#I cannot leave the app as I have family on there who check my work | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

inkskinned · 5 months

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i got rickrolled today but it didn't work because i have adblocker installed, so youtube just told me i violated the terms of service. yesterday i was trying to edit a picture as a joke for my girlfriend, and google made me check a box to prove i'm human because i wasn't "searching normally".

it isn't just that capitalism is killing fun and whimsy, it is that any element of entertainment or joy is being fed upon by this mosquito body, one that will suck you dry at any vulnerability.

do you want to meet new friends in your city? download this app, visit our website, sign up for our email list. pay for this class on making a terrarium, on candlemaking, on cooking. it will be 90 dollars a session. you can go to group fitness, but only under our specific gym membership. solve the puzzle, sign up for our puzzle-of-the-month-club. what is a club if not just a paid opportunity - you are all paying for the same thing, which makes you a community.

but you're like me, i know it - you're careful, you try the library meetings and the stuff at the local school and all of that. the problem is that you kind of want really specific opportunities that used to exist. you are so grateful for libraries and the publicly-funded things: they are, however, an exception - and everything they have, they've fought tooth-and-nail to protect. you read a headline about how in many other states, libraries have virtually nothing left.

do you want to meet up with your friends afterwards? gift your friends the discord app. you can choose to go to a cafe (buy a coffee, at least), a bar (money, alcohol) or you can all stay in and catch a movie (streaming) or you can all stay in bed (rent. don't get me started) and scream (noise complaint. ticket at least).

you want to read a new book, but the book has to have 124 buzzwords from tiktok readers that are, like, weirdly horny. you can purchase this audiobook on audible! your podcast isn't on spotify, it's on its own server, pay for a different site. fuck, at least you're supporting artists you like. the art museum just raised their ticket price. once, they had a temporary exhibit that acknowledged that ~85% of their permanent art galleries were from cis white men, and that they had thousands of works by women (even famous women, like frida! georgia o'keefe!) just rotting in their basement. that exhibit lasted for 3 months and then they put everything away again.

walmart proudly supports this strip of land by the street! here are some flowers with wilting leaves. its employees have to pay out-of-pocket for their uniforms. my friend once got fined by the city because she organized a community pick-up of the riverfront, which was technically private property.

no, you cannot afford to take that dance class, neither can i. by the way - i'm a teacher. i'm absolutely not saying "educators shouldn't be paid fairly." i'm saying that when i taught classes, renting a studio went from 20 bucks an hour to 180 in the span of 6 months. no significant changes to the studio were made, except they now list the place as updated and friendly. the heat still doesn't work in the building. i have literally never seen the landlord who ignores my emails. recently they've been renting it out at night as an "unusual nightclub; a once-in-a-lifetime close-knit party." they spent some of those 180 dollars on LEDs and called it renovating. the high heels they invite in have been ruining the marley.

do you want to experience the old internet? do you want to play flash games or get back the temporary joy of club penguin? you can, you just need to pay for it. i have a weird, neurodivergent obsession with occasionally checking in to watch the downfall and NFT-ification of neopets. if i'm honest with you all - i never got into webkins, my family didn't have the money to buy me a pointless elephant. people forget that "being poor" can mean literally "if i buy you that toy, i can't afford rent."

you and i don't have time to make good food, and we don't have the budget for it. we are not gonna be able to host dinner parties, we're not made of money, kid. do you want some kind of 3rd space? a space that isn't home or work or school? you could try being online, but - what places actually exist for you? tiktok counts as social media because you see other people on it, not because they actually talk to you.

there was a local winter tradition of sledding down the hill at my school. kids would use pizza boxes and jackets and whatever worked, howling and laughing. back in september, they made a big announcement that this time, rules were changing, and everyone must pay 10 dollars to participate. when im not scared shitless, i kind of appreciate the environmental irony - it hasn't gone below 40. so much for snow & joyriding.

i saw a bulletin for a local dogwalking group and, nervous about making a good first impression, showed up early. the first guy there grimaced at me. "sorry," he said. "there's a 30-dollar buy-in fee." i thought he was joking. wait. for what? the group doesn't offer anything except friendship and people with whom to walk around the city.

he didn't know the answer. just shrugged at me. "you know," he said. "these days, everything costs money."

#spilled ink #warm up #“why did u tag it warm up” bc i wrote it off the cuff while drinkin coffee lol #btw the 30 dollar buy in for the dog walking is bc they pay the organizer a small pittance so she can #run fb ads and stuff and like she does put in a lot of work i don't mind paying her #but that's exactly what im fucking talking about like.#ppl can't afford to volunteer their time anymore and we all understand it!!! everything costs money for everyone!#like we didn't have to use to say ''do you mind paying me back for the stuff we ate''#we used to be able to afford to feed our friends once in a while!!!

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jnnmclm · 20 days

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Hi! I, JOANNE MACALAM is speaking up towards the infamous notorious donation scammer LAURA DERAMAS.

I am a filipina based in USA. Ive known LD through a childhood friend of mine back home.

Never met her personally. Just like all of you here I too am scammed into some sort by her. As you can see, Laura has been using me as her bank account. Zelle, Venmo, Cash App and even Paypal.

Honestly, it didn’t cross my mind that this is all just her bullshit. Growing up in the Philippines, these things could possibly happen. I started to doubt her when my paypal account was charged with $1,800.00 that was sent by a guy. I informed her about the matter and she told me that it was a guy who scammed her of paying after she sent some “photos/videos” in exchange of money. LOL now up to this day I still owe Paypal $1,800.00. Stopped doing her favors, but she kept on messaging me all the damn time. Calling me even in the middle of my work. Even at night when am already sleeping. Pleading to please do her another favor. I tried calling paypal. There is nothing I can do, I now owe $ 1,800. This girl dont take NO for an answer.

I started giving her my cash app, venmo and zelle since I cannot use my paypal anymore just so she will stop. Always saying it will be the LAST TIME. But of course its not, there is just always something going on with her life. And I keep feeling sorry for her. I can’t give her money, I dont have those. I barely make it here in America plus sending money to my family in the Philippines, supporting my siblings with school. I have 7 sibs btw and my dad has already passed so its just me and my mama. Coming from a poor family, I sympathized for her thinking that there is nothing I can lose if I help her, I can’t help her monetarily so by me being her point of access to help here in USA to Philippines is okay. It won’t hurt nobody or so I thought.

Earlier this year, there was a network outage in my state, after it was back, I can no longer use my zelle. I did not suspect that my Zelle acc was reported by some of y’all. I was thinking it was the network outage. I tried to call my bank, zelle, network provider but I cant get no answer, they keep passing me to each other, I changed my number. Same thing. I can’t use zelle. And instead of dwelling about things that are beyond my control, I just let it go. I told Laura of what happened and that I can no longer help her through Zelle. Now you might wonder, why are you still helping her? Didn’t some of you keep helping her because she just have this fucking annoying tactics that will make you fall for it. The emojis urgh! The HUHUHU every end of a sentence. I am so done with it.

I kept ignoring her, muted her. Didn’t answer to her calls. Because now she is “borrowing” money from me. I dont have money to lend. Then I got a notification of a money transfer in one of my remaining account, checked my messages and then there was her telling me someone send money to me and apologized that she didn’t asked permission. What can I do at this point? Its not my money. When I opened the app and check, with an attached note from “Tmblr”, it poked my interest. Whats in tmblr? Why does people give her money this much? The other night, I created this account and searched for her name. I swear, my yawning was replaced with cold sweat, shaking hands and anxiety. The bitch has been scamming ppl! I saw Kyra45 post about her. I reached out. And I dig deep down to all these mess. Kyra45 informed me that my name, picture even my dog and my plant business in the Philippines was used in an account. I was livid, mortified and most of all, humiliated.

Tonight, what lead me to writing this is because I searched for my name in the search engine and I was dumbfounded. As a woman who is trying to make my life better, leaving my family to provide a better life? This is too much. My trust for this lady is broken, my image is broken. My identity was stolen. She made my brother dead, my family homeless and me going back and barely afford college.

I messaged her tonight, I informed her what I found out and how disappointed and disgusted I am to her doings, making profit out of our brothers and sisters in Palestine and Gaza. This behavior has a special spot in hell.

I apologize for all of you of what Laura Deramas has caused. Unfortunately, I cant make all your money come back. I will stopped my communication with her as I dont want to be a vessel of her scams. From the bottom of my heart, I am really sorry, I should’ve known better. May this be a lesson for all of us. Continue to be compassionate to others and keep spreading kindness.

Xoxo, Joanne

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thefertilewitch · 11 months

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Important Info on Malevolent Spirit Attachments

Is life kinda hectic or almost like a bad dream? Have you tried everything or thought a where it could be coming from? Tried every practical and spiritual trick and things are still very weird and you feel your life is out of control?

Have you ever considered there could be a bad spirit attachment? Well you should, as a practicing Witch with over 20 years of experience and being a psychic medium, my advice would be to check on if you could be being haunted. Yes I said haunted! I was born with a lot of different spirit attachments and the people around me, not even my parents understood what was happening.

I discovered almost 10 years into my practice that bad spirits cannot be transmuted and that they must be banished. I don’t believe in just banishing bad spirits, I believe in putting them somewhere so they can’t just come back to you or your neighbors, family members or random people, to find out more about the work I offer please visit my website www.divineservicesapothecary.com

but if you need some free advice, please keep reading. Every witch has her own way of banishing bad spirits but I personally have quite a few ways of banishing them however when dealing with the really bad ones that have a reason for their attachment or a vandetta I prefer to start with some type of image of the spirit or spirits.

I really love using my printer to either print a picture of a known spirit or creating a picture of it based on my intuition. I’ve even used AI, a popular AI to create images is an app on Discord.

Yes using a printer to print an image works because paper is made from trees, which trees are apart of earth and is very magically significant.

I print the picture and consecrate it for my magical and earthly purpose, dress it with the appropriate herbs, oils and definitely sulfur, salt and I perform an exorcism incantation and command the spirit to leave, if the spirit refuses, I will go straight into astral travel to take it where I want to. Again, if you don’t understand, I wouldn’t attempt to do this work yourself and you should contact myself or someone else you can trust will handle the situation.

Some oils I recommend are camphor, rosemary or eucalyptus oil, all of these oils will connect you with the spirit realm so you can meditate and see the spirit clearer, you also should be burning rosemary, copal, dragons blood or frankincense.

Once I have either banished, secured the spirit at the appropriate place and reconnected with my body and mind, I then burn a black or white candle to ensure all of the energy of the spirit is gone, although any color candle will work as long as you tell it what you need it to do.

I allow the candle to burn down completely and then I burn either in my fireplace or fire pit the paper and all of the wax and herbs to ensure the spirit is gone!

I know this seems like it’s simple but it really isn’t as simple as it seems because every banishment is not going to be the same.

I believe an important aspect that is missed once a banishing is done is healing work right afterwards. To heal is to make while again and you may have anxiety, depression and just feel like crap after being haunted or harassed by a bad spirit. Also to heal means to restore your power, your spirit and feed yourself with the elements and herbs. I always use a candle and write a healing petition for this. Taking a warm bath or shower afterwards helps as well while healing.

I hope this crash course helps, especially witches who are being haunted, I do not recommend someone that doesn’t feel comfortable or someone that doesn’t know what their doing to even attempt to deal with a malevolent spirit, contact someone who knows what their doing who specifically knows about spirit banishing and working with spirits, for example someone with knowledge of necromancy, otherwise it can make things worse.

Spirit attachments can happen for many reasons, all spirits shouldn’t be allowed in your astral or earthly spaces.

Be aware that invisible forces that have nothing to do with “God” can and will manipulate your reality, they do this to alot of people, especially unaware people, they can trick and fool us into believing they are helpful but if you have long term bad luck or long term struggle, it’s not always that witch or Christian that hates you, you could be being haunted.

For more info, feel free to contact me at 770-686-7461or visit my website and schedule a consultation www.divineservicesapothecary.com

Blessed be

#witchcraft #Bad spirits #Banishing #Spirit attachment

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dweebsfilingcabinet · 2 years

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DOLL ORDERS // TERMS AND CONDITIONS

These are the terms and conditions information regarding purchasing my dolls! If you have any questions, feel free to ask, I don't bite!!

Always check my bio for commission status. You're more than welcome to post photos of your dolls on socials as long as you credit me/link to my tumblr!!

- Starts below the cut because it's lengthy!

PAYMENTS and SHIPPING:

- Payments are done Via PayPal, or Cash App! If these don't work for you, we'll talk and see what we can work out!! <3

- I prefer people to send me the payments on PayPal through the "send money to friends/family" option, because PayPal doesn't take out a fee that way. If you need to send it through a business invoice, please send 5$-10$ USD extra to cover the fee PayPal docks me so I don't have to pay out of pocket for your shipping.

- If there are orders ahead of yours, you do not need to pay to get on my queue. I'll do your order regardless. Your place in my queue will depend on when you messaged me. I line my queue up in order of who contacted me first to last. So if you message me first, you get the first slot. Message me second you get the second slot, if you're the third person to message me you get the third and so on.

- I take the whole payment WHEN I START on your doll. I will always message you with a heads up as to when I am going to start, and you can send me the payment (doll+shipping) then!

- Speaking of payment; I will not turn away a customer who is under 18, because I know plenty of people younger than that who have income and can cover their own payment. However, if you ARE NOT the one who will be paying for your doll, and someone else is paying for it FOR you, PLEASE ASK PERMISSION BEFORE PAYING ME WITH THEIR MONEY. Even better, discuss getting me in contact with them somehow before paying, so I know its okay. I feel like it should go without saying, but I really don't want to be contacted by a parent/friend/guardian saying "X paid you with my money and I need that money back right now because I didn't give them permission!!", after I've already started on your doll--because at that point, I can't give the money back. Better safe than sorry.

- As well as the price of the doll, you pay shipping. I buy labels via pirate ship and will offer both USPS and UPS options, and you are allowed to pick your own shipping according for what works best for you!

- When you give me your shipping address, it does NOT leave our chat except to go to pirate ship, just so I can get your label printed. I'm not out here collecting peoples addresses and I'm absolutely not sharing them.

- I do ship out of the USA!

- I will always send you your tracking number, as well.

- Tips are always appreciated and welcomed :) absolutely not required!

*** Paying In Two-Halves:

- This isn't something I have done often, but this is something I'm willing to do. It is an option. If you are on a financial schedule that only allows you to pay half of your payment when I start, I'll allow you to pay half then, half later.

My only few conditions for this:

- I WILL NOT SEND YOUR DOLL UNLESS I HAVE FULL PAYMENT. This ensures that I still get paid, and you still get your doll. Even if it takes a little longer, no one's getting scammed.

- I will wait no longer than 2 weeks for the other half of the payment. The sooner you get it to me, the sooner you get your doll. It's an inconvenience to me to hold a doll for too long.

- If you are unable to make the 2nd payment, I cannot refund the first payment, as I have likely already started work on your doll. This means I have used my time and resources already, and I cannot send the money back to you FOR that reason.

DETAILS:

- Sewing isn't my whole life: as well as working on your orders, I have other things to do, and life sometimes throws us for loops. One doll order of a single doll can take a week or two! As all my dolls are 100% handmade (no sewing machine at all), they are very time consuming to complete. Please be patient!

- I can keep you updated on the progress of your doll as I work, or I can keep it a total surprise until it reaches you! I have done both!

- If you need your order by a certain date plan accordingly and tell me up front; I can't promise I will be able to manage that, though. I usually do not rush orders, as I don't want to rush my work.

- Extra clothing items cost extra. They take time to make, and I also have to buy more materials. They sometimes cost even more depending on material/complexity of the item because it takes longer to do, I have to take an extra trip to the craft store. If the clothing item is something I wouldn't be able to complete, I will tell you up front, but this hasn't happened yet. You can order as many extra clothing items as you prefer, but know it costs extra.

- You can order more than one doll, just please know it will take longer to complete your order. The biggest order I've done so far is three at once but I can definitely do more! It will just take longer. (Also, depending on where you are in the queue, you may be waiting a while if there's people in front of you.)

- I can make a number of accessories, including jackets, scarves, hats, bandoliers, felt pistols and felt knives, and I've even made fishing rods and mangoes. Have an accessory in mind? Raise the idea to me, and if I think I can do it, I'll tell you! If not, I will tell you upfront that I can't :) Accessories also cost extra.

- I have the right to refuse to make a doll/certain clothing and details if I do not feel comfortable doing so, or if I do not feel confident in my ability to do so.

REFUNDS:

- I can offer up to 25% of a refund of the total price only if your package has gotten lost. I will ALWAYS take your package to the post office and send you tracking, but once it is in the post offices hands, I am unfortunately not responsible for happens to it. I have still taken the time to make the dolls. I have never had a package get lost so far!

- I will try to help you find your package, though! I can always call the post office and see if I can get their help!

- I do not accept returns. Once you get your doll, it's yours.

- These are more along the lines of art dolls, and they are 100% hand made. They are delicate. They are NOT toys and are not meant to be handled by children or handled recklessly. If you damage your doll, or it is damaged under your care, I am not responsible for it. Care tips are provided for you in your box.

- If your doll sustains minor wear and tear, and you think its something fixable, GET IN CONTACT WITH ME. Send me photos and I'll make a diagnosis! If I can fix it, and you pay shipping round trip, you're more than welcome to send the doll back to me for repair and I'll do it for a small fee and send it back to you!

#handsewn dolls #handmade plush #handmade dolls #handsewn plush #commissions #plush commissions #doll commissions #dweeb speaks #terms and conditions #commission info

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over-dramatic-diary · 1 year

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the first time i knew i was in love.

I really enjoyed the format of telling y'all a story from my life that defines me as a person. So we're gonna do that again. I give you, the first time I knew I was in love.

I was seeing this young man who we'll call Spencer. So I had been seeing him for about two months, though we had recently decided to only be friends because his mental health was not the best at the moment, and he didn't want to cause himself much else to worry about for that time. But we never were only friends. We kissed and talked deeply, and told each other things we probably shouldn't have. In the end, on the night of his birthday, I had tried to plan a little board game night, but it had been last minute enough that he and I were the only attendees.

So we played stupid games, drank more than we should have for a Tuesday night, and skipped over to a friend's apartment for a brief birthday smoke session. After, we got Canes, where he got a large sweet tea and then proceeded to spill all over his living room. We watched the both most idiotic and funniest sitcom of all time. In the end, we were playing my family's somewhat stupid secret card game, and decided to play Two Truths and a Lie. We got down into the game, and my options were as follows:

I cannot count how many cousins I have on two hands

I broke my spine because I fell off the playground age 8

I've never been in love.

Was the final option somewhat leading? You bet your ass it was. But I believed it to be true. But, as I was getting ready to head home for the night around 1 am, I stood up, Spencer kissed me, and I stopped before heading to the door. I looked at him and told him that I might have fibbed a bit that night. When he asked what I meant, I responded as such:

"I fibbed when I said I've never been in love. Because I think I'm a little in love with you."

I meant it, too. I thought I was falling in love with him.

He kissed me again, and said "Let's leave it at that for tonight." And so I left.

The next day, we had work late together and Spencer asked if I wanted to go to his apartment and watch some tv after rehearsal and just hang out. I swear on the stars, I didn't think anything would come of this hangout other than maybe a short makeout session, and talking. Boy, was I wrong.

We go to his apartment and continue on the aforementioned dumbass tv show. We watch an entire season, and then we start bouncing back and forth cueing up and playing songs that we would show to an alien if they asked us what human music was like. I played Dreams by Fleetwood Mac and You Matter to Me from Waitress. Spencer played Hallucinogenics by Matt Maeson and Lana Del Rey.

I heard a thundercrack outside the window. I check from his balcony, and it was pouring, and the weather app says it's not stopping for hours. I was planning on walking the two blocks back to mine, so I ask him if I could sleep on his couch. He says sure, so we go back to music and stupid videos. I realize something a little while later:

He doesn't have a couch. He has a loveseat. And I am either stoned or bold enough to remark out loud that I just realized that I probably couldn't sleep on his couch. He looks me dead in my eyes and says "Oh. We both know you're sleeping in my bed."

DEAR LORD. I didn't know a man could make me feel so looked at. He gives me sweatpants to wear, and I take my earrings out as he puts on one last episode. He turns the tv off and heads into his bedroom. He takes off his shirt. Then his pants. That's when I knew I would be learning more about Spencer than I thought he would let me.

We get into bed. We kiss. Spencer asks how far I wanna go, and I tell him I want to go his speed, as far and as slow as he wants to. Soon though, there isn't a single layer of fabric between us. We spend the entire night tossing and turning, taking breaks to talk. That man told me things in his bed that I will take to my grave. I shall say no more on the subject, except that we only got about three hours of sleep that night.

It was the first time I had ever made love or spent the night in another man's bed.

I woke up the next morning, and we agreed to hit snooze for five more minutes. I lay my head across his chest, and we hold hands before either of us is fully conscious. Soon, I pick up my head, lean on my elbow, and stroke his chest gently to wake him fully. He turns his head to me, and just as he opens his eyes, he moves them into a shaft of early morning sunlight coming through his blinds.

This is the moment I knew I was in love. Fully and truly and indubitably. I knew because his normally dark and bottomless eyes were suddenly the most intense hue of gold that I had ever seen. It was not a color or a shade or a tint. This gold was far too piercing and sparkling to be anything but its purest form. I will never forget the way they both looked and looked at me.

I am feeling nostalgic and reflective tonight, and I thank you for listening to it.

Goodnight loves.

- Jackson

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htvewor · 2 years

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Ctf themes 6.60 pro c2

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If you can permanently flash custom firmware read on, if not go to 5.Ĭopy the CIPLFlasher from the Pro C2 firmware you downloaded to the PSP Game folder on the memory card, then run the application from your PSP to make the custom firmware permanent.

#Ctf themes 6.60 pro c2 install#

Remember you can only permanently install this firmware on a PSP 1000 or a PSP 2000 that is not an 88 v3 version.

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Thats it, its a simple as that your PSP is now running custom firmware and can take advantage of all the additional abilities of a hacked PSP, however read on for information on how to permanently flash the custom firmware if supported by your PSP, or how to enable the custom firmware again if you power your PSP off.ĭownload PSP Ident Unzip and copy the program to your PSP Game folder like you did with the custom firmware installer, then load PSP Ident up on your PSP.

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Inside this RAR file you will find 3x folders that you need.

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To update the PSP simply extract the PSP folder from the 6.60 update RAR file and move it to your PSPs memory stick.Īs you can see below the PSPGAMEUPDATE folder contains the EBOOT.PBP update. Updating your PSP to 6.60 (Skip this if you are on 6.61) To begin Download the Official PSP 6.60 firmware and update your PSP. This however only needs doing from a cold boot, if you leave the PSP in standby like most people do (you probably do this without realising) then you will not need to enable it. If the firmware is permanently installed it means your PSP will boot directly in to the custom firmware when powered on, if not it means you will have to enable it again by launching a simple app. I will cover finding out your PSP version later in this guide, all you need to know for now is that if you own a PSP you can follow this guide and get homebrew applications running on your PSP. However its very easy to re load the custom firmware on a 88V, PSP 3000, PSP Go or E1000. Something to note is that you can only permanently install this firmware on a PSP 1000 or a PSP 2000 that is not an 88 v3 version. You can also add new features to your PSP via kernel mode background plugins, for example the ability to take screenshots in games. You can also convert your old PS1 games and play them your PSP. This allows you to easily carry around more than one game, and helps to save your PSPs battery as it does not need to power the UMD drive when playing games. Why would i want to install Custom Firmware on my PSP When custom firmware is on your PSP you can use emulators, homebrew applications and even backup your games to the memory stick. So you can now follow this guide if you happen to have updated to 6.61. Its of no benefit to you updating to 6.61 after all this time, however the custom firmware has now been updated to support 6.61. Note: On the 15012015 Sony released PSP firmware 6.61, some three and a half years after the last 6.60 update. The PSP Custom Firmware 6.61-Pro-C2 will work on all PSP models from the original PSP to the PSP Go and even the E1000, all you need is to be running the official 6.60 or 6.61 firmware to install and use this custom firmware. You will be able to play any game released to date on either 6.60 or 6.61, you will also be able to connect to the PSN and buy stuff. If file is multipart dont forget to check all parts before downloading. This is an easiest way to send files to someone who cannot accept them live.

Ctf Themes For Psp 6.60 Pro B10 Registration No DownloaduploadĬtf Themes For Psp 6.60 Pro B10 Download File ForĪfter upload, share files instantly via Social networks or via Email with your friends or family.

Ctf Themes For Psp 6.60 Pro B10 Download File For.

#Ctf themes 6.60 pro c2

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samwisethewitch · 3 years

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Coping with religious trauma

CONTENT WARNING: THIS POST CONTAINS DISCUSSIONS OF MENTAL ILLNESS, TRAUMA RECOVERY, AND HOMOPHOBIA. The advice in this post is intended for an adult audience, not for those who are legal minors.

A lot of people find their way to paganism after having traumatic experiences with organized religion, especially in countries like the United States, where 65% of the population identifies as Christian. (This number is actually at an all-time low — historically, the percentage has been much higher.) Paganism, which is necessarily less dogmatic and hierarchical than the Abrahamic religions, offers a chance to experience religion without having to fit a certain mold. This can be extremely liberating for people who have felt hurt, abused, or ignored by mainstream religion.

To avoid making generalizations that might offend people, I’ll share my own story as an example.

My family joined the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, better known as the Mormons, when I was nine years old. The Mormons are an extremely conservative sect of evangelical Christianity that places a heavy emphasis on maintaining a strong community that upholds their religious values. The problem with that is that Mormon values are inherently racist, sexist, homophobic, and transphobic. As a teenager in the Mormon Church, I was told that as a woman, my only purpose in life was to marry a (Mormon) man and raise (Mormon) children. I was discouraged from pursuing a college education if it meant delaying marriage. I was not allowed to participate in the full extent of religious ritual because I was not a man. I was not allowed to express myself in ways that went against Mormon culture, and I kept my bisexuality secret for fear I would be ostracized. I didn’t have any sort of support system outside the Church, which inevitably made the mental health issues that come with being a queer woman in a conservative Christian setting much, much worse.

I left the Mormons when I was seventeen, and by that time I had some major issues stemming from my time in the Church. I had been extremely depressed and anxious for most of my teen years. I struggled with internalized misogyny and homophobia. I had very low self-esteem. I had anxiety around sex and sexuality that would take years of therapy and self-work to overcome. I wanted to form a connection with the divine, but I wasn’t sure if I was worthy of such a connection.

I was attracted to paganism, specifically Wicca, because it seemed like everything Mormonism wasn’t. Wicca teaches equality between men and women, with a heavy focus on the Goddess in worship. It places an emphasis on doing what is right for you, as long as it doesn’t harm anyone else. It encourages sexuality and healthy sexual expression. Learning about Wicca, and later other types of paganism, helped me develop the kind of healthy spirituality I’d never experienced as a Mormon. Although Wicca is no longer the backbone of my religious practice, it was a necessary and deeply healing step on my spiritual journey.

I’m not sharing my story to gain sympathy or to make anyone feel bad — I’m sharing it because my situation is not an uncommon one in pagan circles. The vast majority of pagans are converts, meaning they didn’t grow up pagan. Some had healthy upbringings in other faiths, or no faith at all, and simply found that paganism was a better fit for them. Others, like myself, had deeply traumatic experiences with organized religion and are attracted to paganism because of the freedom, autonomy, and empowerment it offers.

If you fall into this latter category, this post is for you. Untangling the threads of religious trauma can be an extremely difficult and overwhelming task. In this post, I lay out six steps to recovery based on my own experiences and those of other people, both pagan and non-pagan, who have lived through religious trauma.

While following these steps will help jumpstart your spiritual healing, it’s important to remember that healing is not a linear process — especially healing from emotional, mental, and spiritual trauma. You may have relapses, you may feel like you’re moving in circles, and you may still have bad days in five or ten years. That’s okay. That’s part of the healing process. Go easy on yourself, and let your journey unfold naturally.

Step One: Cut all ties with the group that caused your trauma

Or, at least, cut as many ties as reasonably possible.

Obviously, if you’re still participating in a religious organization that has caused you pain, the first step is to leave! But before you do, make sure you have an exit plan to help you disengage safely and gracefully.

To make your exit plan, start by asking yourself what the best, worst, and most likely case scenarios are, and be honest in your answers. Obviously, the best case scenario is that you leave, everyone accepts it, and all is well. The worst case scenario is that someone tries to prevent you from leaving — you may be harassed by missionaries or concerned churchgoers, for example. But what is the most likely case scenario? That depends on the religious community, their beliefs, and how involved you were in the first place. When making your exit plan, prepare for the most likely scenario, but have a backup plan in case the worst case scenario happens.

Once you’ve prepared yourself for the best, worst, and most likely outcomes, choose a friend, significant other, or family member who can help you make your exit. Ideally, this person is not a member of the group you are trying to leave. Their role is mainly to provide emotional support, although they may also need to be willing to run off any well-meaning missionaries who come calling. This person can also help you transition after you leave. For example, you might make a plan to get coffee with them every week during the time your old religious community holds worship services.

Finally, make your strategy for leaving. Choose a date and don’t put it off! If you have any responsibilities within the group, send in a letter of resignation. Figure out who you’ll need to have conversations with about your leaving — this will likely include any family members or close friends who are still part of the group. Schedule those conversations. Make sure to have them in public places, where people will be less likely to make a scene.

If you feel it is necessary, you may want to request that your name be removed from the group’s membership records so you don’t get emails, phone calls, or friendly visits from them in the future. You may not feel the need to do this, but if contact with the group triggers a mental health crisis, this extra step will help keep you safe.

Of course, it’s not always possible to completely cut ties with a group after leaving. You may have family members, a significant other, or close friends who are still members. If this is the case, you’ll need to establish some clear boundaries. Politely but firmly tell them that, although you’re glad their faith adds value to their lives, you are not willing to be involved in their religious activities. Let them know that this is what is best for your mental and emotional health and that you still value your relationship with them.

Try to make compromises that allow you to preserve the relationship without exposing you to a traumatic religious environment. For example, if your family is Christian and always spends all day on Christmas at church, offer to celebrate with them the day after, once their religious commitments are over.

Hopefully, your loved ones can respect these boundaries. If not, you may need to distance yourself or walk away altogether. If they are knowingly undermining your attempts to take care of yourself, they don’t deserve to be in your life.

During this time, you may find it helpful to read other people’s exit stories online or in books. One of my personal favorites is the book Girl at the End of the World by Elizabeth Esther. Hearing other people’s stories can help you remember that other people have been through similar situations and made it out on the other side. You will too.

Step Two: Seek professional help

I cannot overstate the importance of professional counseling when dealing with trauma of any kind, including religious trauma. Therapists and counselors have the benefit of professional training. They are able to be objective, since they’re approaching the situation from the outside. They can keep you from getting bogged down in your own thoughts and feelings.

I understand that not everyone has access to therapy. I am very lucky to have insurance that covers mental health counseling, but I know not everyone has that privilege. However, there are some options that make therapy more affordable.

There may be an organization in your area that offers free or low-cost therapy — if you live in the U.S., you can find information about these services by checking the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) HelpLine or visiting mentalhealth.gov. You can also look for therapists who use a sliding scale for payment, which means they determine an hourly rate based on the client’s income. And finally, if you have a little bit of extra cash you may want to look into therapy apps like BetterHelp or Talkspace, which are typically cheaper than in-person therapy.

If none of those options work for you, the next best option is to join a support group. Support groups allow you to connect with other people whose experiences are similar to yours and, unlike therapy, they allow you to get advice and feedback from multiple people. These groups are often free, although some charge a small fee.

Finding the right group for you is important. You’re unlikely to find a group for people recovering from religious trauma but, depending on the nature of your trauma, you may fit right in with a grief and loss group, an addiction recovery group, or a group for adult survivors of child abuse. If you’re a member of the LGBTQ+ community, you may be able to find a queer support group. (The LGBTQ+ club at my college was an invaluable resource in my recovery!) Depending on your area, you may also be able to find groups for specific mental and emotional issues like depression or anxiety.

Make sure to do your research before attending a meeting. Find out what, if anything, the group charges, who can join, and whether they use a curriculum or have unstructured sessions. See if you can find a statement about their values and philosophy. Make a note of where meetings are held and of who is running the group. Some support groups meet in churches and may or may not have a religious element to their curriculum. It’s best to avoid religious groups — the last thing you need right now is to be preached to.

Getting other people involved in your recovery will make you feel less alone and prevent you from getting stuck in your own head. A good therapist, counselor, or support group can help you realize what you need to work on and give you ideas for how to approach it.

Step Three: Deprogramming

“Deprogramming” refers to the practice of undoing brainwashing and reintroducing healthy thought patterns. This term is normally used in the context of cult survivors and their recovery, but deprogramming techniques can also be helpful for people recovering from a lifetime of toxic religious rhetoric.

To begin the process of deprogramming, familiarize yourself with the way organizations use thought control to shape the behavior of their members. I recommend starting with the work of Steven Hassan — his BITE model is a handy way to classify types of thought control.

The BITE model lays out four types of control. There’s Behavior Control, which controls what members do and how they spend their free time. (For example, requiring members to attend multiple hours-long meetings each week.) There’s Information Control, which restricts members’ access to information. (For example, denying certain aspects of the group’s history.) There’s Thought Control, which shapes the way members think. (For example, classifying certain thoughts as sinful or dirty.) And finally there’s Emotional Control, which manipulates members’ emotions. (For example, instilling fear of damnation or punishment.)

Here’s a simple exercise to get you started with your deprogramming. Divide a blank sheet of paper into four equal sections. Label one section “Behavior,” one “Information,” one “Thought,” and one “Emotions.” Now, in each section, make a list of the ways your old religious group controlled — and maybe still controls — that area of your life. Once you’ve completed your lists, choose a single item from one of your lists to work on undoing.

For example, let’s say that in your “Information” column, you’ve written that you were discouraged from reading certain books because they contained “evil” ideas. (For a lot of people, this was Harry Potter. For me, it was The Golden Compass.) Pick up one of those books, and read it or listen to it as an audiobook. Once you’ve read it, write down your thoughts. Did you enjoy it? Why or why not? Why do you think your group banned it? What was in this book that they didn’t want you to know about? Write it down.

Once you’ve worked on the first thing, choose something else. Keep going until you’ve undone all the items on your lists.

If you want to go further with deprogramming, I recommend the book Recovering Agency by Luna Lindsey. Although this book is specifically written for former Mormons, I genuinely believe it would be helpful to former members of other controlling religious groups as well. Lindsey does an excellent job of explaining how thought control works and of connecting it to real world examples, as well as deconstructing those ideas. Her book has been a huge help in my recovery process, and I highly recommend it.

Step Four: Replace toxic beliefs and practices with healthy ones

This goes hand-in-hand with step three, and if you’re already working on deprogramming then you’ll already have started replacing your unhealthy beliefs. This is the turning point in the recovery process. You’re no longer just undoing what others have done to you — now you get an opportunity to decide what you want to believe and do going forward. This is the time to let go of things like denial of your desires, fear of divine punishment, and holding yourself to unattainable standards. Get used to living in a way that makes you happy, without guilt.

Notice how each step builds on the previous steps. Therapy and deprogramming can help you identify what beliefs and behaviors need to be adjusted or replaced. Your therapist, support group, and/or emotional support person can help you make these changes and follow through on them.

These new beliefs and practices don’t have to be religious — in fact, it’s better if they aren’t. If you can live a healthy, happy, balanced life without religion, you’ll be in a better position to choose a religion that is the right fit for you, if that is something you want.

Your new healthy, non-religious practices may include: mindfulness meditation, nature walks, journaling, reading, exercise, energy work, learning a hobby or craft, or spending time with loves ones — or it might include none of these things, and that’s okay too. Now is the time to find what brings you joy and start doing it every day.

Step Five: Ritual healing

This is an optional step, but it’s one that has been deeply healing for me. You may find it helpful to design and perform a ritual to mark your recovery.

Note that when I say “ritual,” I don’t necessarily mean magic. Rituals serve a psychological purpose as well as a spiritual one. They can act as powerful symbolic events that mark a turning point in our lives or reinforce what we already know and believe. Even if you don’t believe in magic, even if you’re the least spiritual person you know, you can still benefit from ritual.

You might choose to perform a ritual to finalize your healing, or to symbolically throw off the chains of your old religion. It can be elaborate or simple, long or short, joyful or solemn. It might include lighting a candle and saying a few words. It might include ecstatic dance. It might include drawing or painting a representation of all the negative emotions associated with your old religion, then ritually destroying it. The possibilities are literally endless. (If you’re looking for ritual ideas, I recommend the book Light Magic for Dark Times by Lisa Marie Basile.)

One type of ritual that some people find very empowering is unbaptism. An unbaptism is exactly what it sounds like — the opposite of a baptism. The idea is that, if a baptism makes a Christian, an unbaptism makes someone un-Christian, no longer part of that lineage. It is a ritual rejection of Christianity. (Obviously, this only applies if you’re a former Christian, though some of the following suggestions could be adjusted to fit a rejection of other religions.)

If you’re interested in unbaptism, here are some ideas for how it could be done:

A classic method of unbaptism is to recite the Lord’s Prayer backwards under a full moon. (For a non-Christians version, use a significant prayer from whatever religion you have left.)

Run a bath. Add a tiny pinch of sulfur (a.k.a. brimstone) to the water. Get into the bath and say, “By water I was baptized, and by water my baptism is rejected.” Submerge your entire body under the water for several seconds. When you come back up, your unbaptism is complete. (You may want to shower after this one. Sulfur does not smell good.)

The Detroit Satanic Temple has a delightfully dramatic unbaptism ritual. For a DIY version, you will need holy water or some other relic from the faith you were baptized in, a fireproof dish, a black candle, and an apple or other sweet fruit. Light the candle and place it in your fireproof dish. Toss some holy water onto the flame (not enough to extinguish it) and say, “I cast my chains into the dust of hell.” Take a bite of the apple and say, “I savor the fruit of knowledge and disobedience.” Finally, declare proudly, “I am unbaptized.” You can add “in the name of Satan” at the end or leave it out, depending on your comfort level.

Personally, I’ve never felt the need to unbaptize myself. I’ve ritually rejected my Mormon upbringing in other ways. Maybe someday I’ll decide to go for the unbaptism, but I’ve never really felt like I needed it. Likewise, you’ll need to decide for yourself what ritual(s) will work for you.

Step Six: Honor your recovery

Our first reaction to trauma is to hide it away and never speak of it again. When we do this, we do ourselves a disservice. Your recovery is a part of your life story. You had the strength to walk away from a situation that was hurting you, and that deserves to be celebrated! Be proud of yourself for how far you’ve come!

You may choose to honor your recovery by celebrating an important date every year, like the day you decided to leave the group, the date of the last meeting you attended, or the date you were removed from the membership records. Keep this celebration fun and light — get drinks with friends, bake a cake for yourself, or just take a few moments to silently acknowledge your journey.

If you feel like having a party is a bit much, you can also honor your recovery by talking to other people about your experiences. Share your story with others. If you’re feeling shy, try sharing your story anonymously online. (Reddit has several forums specifically for anonymous stories.) You’ll be amazed by how validating it can be to tell people what you’ve been through. `

Another way to honor your recovery is to work for personal and religious freedom for all people. Protest laws with religious motivations. Donate to organizations that campaign for the separation of church and state. Educate people about how to recognize an unhealthy religious organization. Let your own story motivate you to help others who are in similar situations.

And most of all, take joy in your journey. Be proud of yourself for how far you’ve come, but know that your recovery is a lifelong journey. Be gentle and understanding with yourself. You are doing what is right for you, and no god or spirit worthy of worship could ever be upset by that.

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lilyofthesword-writes · 3 years

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Kokkuri-san (Loki Oneshot)

Summary: You are on your way back to the Tower when you sense a strange energy emanating from it. Loki is there to help.

Pairing: Loki x F!Reader (established relationship)

Word Count: 1,718

Warnings/Disclaimers: Opens with description of being unable to breathe.

A/N: I tried to provide enough information for this to be a stand alone, but it does still act like a follow-up to Sorceress. And if you would like more information on the game Kokkuri-san, I highly recommend checking out the podcasts Kowabana and Toshiden both created by Tara A. Devlin at Kowabana.net. Just a heads up, this is NOT sponsored by anyone. I just enjoy listening to scary stories, and this became one of my favorites.

Masterlist

Molasses had seeped past your skull, compressing your brain uncomfortably. Or at least that’s what it felt like. A wavering darkness flowed around you as if you were underwater. Your lungs were sluggish to take in air, and it was getting worse. The longer you were forced to endure this pressure, the harder it was for you to focus, to breathe.

-up...

A voice muddled through the inky blackness.

Wa- up...

It sounded so familiar...

Wake up...

Nat, maybe? Were you asleep?

WAKE UP!

Your eyes shot open, unwillingly taking in the light of the Quinjet. The air you sucked in felt like gravel in your throat. Nat’s steely grip on your shoulders were beginning to ground you in reality.

“Wha- What happened?” Your throat burned as you spoke.

“Some kind of dream.” Her concerned eyes bored into you as you tried to blink yourself to full consciousness. “You were breathing heavily before you just stopped altogether. You okay?”

“Y-yeah,” you half lied. You didn’t feel nearly as bad in the dream but it still felt like sludge was creeping across your mind. Whatever energy you were getting close to was some kind of nasty. “How far are we from the Tower?”

Nat released you from her hold. “About an hour out.”

The pressure on your head was only growing worse the closer you all got.

“Okay...” you sucked in a deep breath.

Sitting in the seat across from you, Nat eyed you wearily. “You sure you’re good?”

“Yeah,” you nodded, pulling out your phone. “Just going to break one of Fury’s rules. Something is going on at the Tower.”

An eyebrow shot up her forehead. “One of those sixth sense things, again?”

“You could say that...”

You pulled up Loki in the messenger app. You could astral project yourself to talk with him, but that could be more dangerous with whatever energy was infecting the Tower.

You: Hey. We’re almost back. What’s going on there?

Loki: Good evening to you as well, Darling. You can feel the energy from where you are?

You: Yes, it’s very... Palpable. ☹️

Loki: Well, we could use the extra help. It seems that the Ant-Man’s daughter played some spirit summoning game before joining him here for the summer.

You: And it followed her... Great... Is she at least okay?

Loki: She is unharmed. More spooked than anything.

You: Good, good. Did she mention any specifics? Like which game?

Loki: She did, yes. Although, she is unsure if she remembers it correctly. I believe she said it was Kakariko.

You: That can’t be right... That’s a village from a video game series.

Loki: So I learned recently with the Spiderling’s assistance.

You: Did she mention anything else?

Loki: She spoke of strange symbols as well as numbers being written in rows on a piece of paper. A coin was used as a conduit to pick each symbol.

You huffed and smacked your head in realization.

Kokkuri-san

Similar to a Ouija board in nature, missing or mucking up a step could be dangerous. Summoning spirits really should not be a game, something you concluded after cleaning up several messes on campus caused by the students who believed themselves master magicians despite their lack of experience. You couldn’t blame them too much for wanting to try since you had played a variety of those games in traveling with your family as a child. In Japan, Kokkuri-san was all the rage in schools.

Bumping your head on the back of the seat impatiently, you checked the time on your phone for the millionth time. You were about twenty minutes away now. Estimating the physical distance, you debated on just teleporting to the Tower instead of waiting in agony during the small amount of time.

Your phone pinged with a new message.

Loki: How are you faring?

You: Better than before. Energy barrier helps. How’re things there?

Loki: I have Lang and Cassie in her room with protection. The spirit cannot reach her there. However, it is lurking about. Stark is none too pleased.

You: He’s not blaming you, is he?

Loki: He tried. It did not last long.

You: Good. We should be there shortly.

Loki: I’ll be waiting, Dove.

Placing the phone in your pocket, you huffed.

“You know,” Nat chimed in, “We should be pretty close now. Just go already.”

Contemplating a moment, you answered, “I don’t know... I’ve only practiced long distance teleportation a few times.”

“And you were successful. Count this as extra practice. Now get out of here.” The harsh sound of her words was mitigated by an encouraging smile.

With a nod, you took a deep breath and teleported to the landing pad. You were about a foot away from the floor when you reappeared. Loki was already there to catch you. The god knew you too well.

“I dare say you might be getting the hang of this.” He held you close like he was making up for lost time.

You reached up and cupped his face to pull him in for a kiss. “Only because I have a very patient teacher.”

“I have missed this,” he breathed, his lips brushing against yours. “But I believe there is a young girl waiting for our help.”

Aside from Stark’s ranting about how ghosts weren’t real, setting up the library went off without a fuss. Between the salt, candles, charms, your spells and Loki’s seiðr, there was no way this could go wrong.

After confirming with Cassie that she had indeed played Kokkuri-san with a new friend who had recently moved to the States from Japan, you had coaxed the whole story out of Cassie. At their slumber party, they had started to play and were spooked by a sudden power outage and strange noises, causing them to let go of the coin used to slide over each symbol. With their connection to the conduit broken before properly closing the game, the kami/spirit latched onto Cassie and followed her here. The best bet was to re-summon the kami in a more secure environment and properly close the game. Luckily for all of you, she had kept the 10 yen coin her friend accidentally left behind, something you needed for all this to work.

You were quadruple checking the last set of charms when Loki snuck up behind you, wrapping his arms around your waist and nuzzling your hair. “Everything ready, my little sorceress?”

“As ready as it will ever be,” you huffed before turning on your heel to face him. “This always makes me a bit nervous.”

He pulled back to look at you while he spoke. “Everything will go according to plan. Besides, you have me here. Nothing could possibly go wrong,” he chuckled, a teasing grin painted his face.

“What an ego,” you exclaimed and lightly smacked his chest. You couldn’t help your own smile. “Just go get Scott and Cassie so we can get this over with.”

“As you wish,” he relented, teleporting away after stealing a kiss to leave you flustered. It was certainly one way to lighten the mood.

The summoning had gone well enough. Both you and Loki knew for sure just by the feel of the energy the right kami had come. It was getting it to leave that was the problem.

“Kokkuri-san, please return.”

The coin slid to いいえ/iie no matter how many times you all reset it to the middle of the board.

No.

While you and Loki both grew in frustration, Scott was busy keeping Cassie calm. As level headed and clever this girl could be, the repetition was getting to her. Loki decided another tactic was in order. A few unintelligible words under his breath that you barely heard and the kami was visible on the table.

A tall kitsune clad in white and red robes hissed and glared at Loki, but made no move to attack. It knew it had no chance with all the preparations you two had done. Its four tails flicked in annoyance and its white, almost silvery ears pressed back. You held back a sigh of relief. This kitsune was not as strong as it could be, having not lived long enough to acquire its maximum nine tails and its full power.

“What is it you desire, Spirit?” Loki spoke loud and unwavering.

“Same as Mischief God. Fun,” it growled through its broken English. Despite the ability to hear it now, none of you dared remove your fingers from the coin.

“Well, you certainly have had your fill. Now begone! Return to your realm,” he challenged.

The kitsune’s tails waved wildly as it contemplated its next move. Its eyes flitted to Cassie, softening almost apologetically as it gazed upon her. Similar to its Western Fae counterparts, it did not fully understand that its version of fun was not the same as it was for mortals.

“分かりました。/Wakarimashita,” it huffed, bowing as it turned its attention back to you and Loki.

Understood.

You felt the coin move again. This time it was to the top left of the paper to hover over はい/hai. Yes.

It then promptly glided to the torii gates drawn in the top center. The kitsune vanished from the table, the energy it left behind dissipating rather quickly. You all said, “Thank you,” in unison before pulling away from the coin.

“So... Is that it?” Scott asked with a mixture of confusion and the need to ensure his daughter was safe.

“Not quite,” you mused while picking up the paper.

“What do we do?” Cassie chirped.

Your raven-haired god looked to you curiously. You didn’t tell him about the next part.

“You don’t have to do anything,” you grinned, “The next two parts are easy.”

Picking up the paper, you began tearing it. You counted as you went until you hit forty-eight.

You held up the coin for all to see. “Now. Part two is going to be more interesting.”

“Do tell,” Loki purred.

“We have to spend this within three days.” Your grin slipped into a more mischievous smirk.

Cassie’s eyes sparkled with hope. “So does that mean...”

“Uh-huh. It’s time for a vacation. Who wants to go to Japan?”

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recommendedtoelle · 2 years

Text

Cultivating Mental Health

Checklist for When You’re in a Slump

Have you eaten something nutritious?

Have you taken your meds?

Did you drink enough water?

Did you leave your room?

Have you gone outside?

Did you check in with friends or family?

Did you get enough rest?

Have you showered recently?

Are you wearing clean clothes?

Did you wash your face?

Is your space clean?

Did you brush your teeth?

Anxiety/OCD

Obsessive Thinking

Seeking Reassurance

Recovering from People Pleasing

Reflection Questions for Anxiety

Dealing with Catastrophic Thinking

SIFT Method

What Anxiety Can Be Trying to Tell Us

Strategies

Dopamine menu

Grounding

Healthy responses to enforce boundaries

Coping Strategies

Meditation and breathwork

Forming healthy habits

Clench all of the muscles in your body for a few seconds and release them when you’re overwhelmed

Therapistaid Worksheets

ADHD

Small tips

Meds

Deadlines

@imperfectinspiration planners

Trauma-Informed Therapy

Somatic therapy

Movement therapy

Art therapy

Craniosacral therapy

Nature therapy

Brain spotting

Inner child work

Find a Therapist

Inclusive Therapists Directory

Therapy Den

Violet (LGBTQ)

Therapy for LatinX

Asian Mental Health Collective Directory

South Asian Therapists

National Queer and Trans Therapists of Color Network

Therapy for Black Men

Therapy for Black Girls

Melanin and Mental Health

Perfectionism

Coping with imperfection

Distinguishing healthy self-care from perfectionism

Depression

Getting outside and over a “slump”

Real Self Care

Self-care vs. Self-sabotage

Feeling Like You’re “Too Much”

Have I held space for my own emotions lately or am I expecting other people to do it for me?

What content have I been consuming? (Social media, shows, music)

Am I surrounding myself with people who make me feel celebrated or who unknowingly affirm my insecurities and fears?

Small Habits

Don’t make jokes about wanting to die

Compliment someone else at least 4 times a day

Initiate conversation as often as possible

Treat your intrusive thoughts like they’re an edgy 13 year old

Don’t talk to people who usually make you feel bad

Boundaries for Social Media

I will only spend two hours a day on social media

I won’t scroll in bed

I will unfollow accounts that don’t promote my wellbeing

I will block accounts that don’t promote my wellbeing

I will not use social media to stalk my former partners

I will share things that give me joy instead of seeking approval

I will take detox breaks every three months

I will delete apps that begin to impact my mental health

Supplements

Magnesium

Vitamin D

Omega 3s

HPA Adapt

NuAdapt

ADHD: make sure to get enough protein and hydrate!

Avoidance: These Things Make Your Life Much Worse

Distractions: TV, keeping overly busy, video games

Opting out: withdrawing from people, places, and situations

Thinking: thought challenging, stopping, and replacing

Substances/self harm

Catchphrases

Your message is getting lost in your mess (@destini.ann)

Feel deal heal

If it’s hysterical, it’s historical

Behavior is communication

Connect before you correct

Perspective Shifts

If you don’t say no, your body will do it for you

Other people’s emotions are not your responsibility

You are not your emotions

Pity is disempowering

People only have power over you when you give them your attention

The opposite of trauma is play

Whether you think you can or you cannot, you’re right

We don’t grow without challenges

Willingness to fail is the key to success

I deserve more compassion than this

My mental health is worth more than this task

I don’t need to earn my rest

Perfection doesn’t exist

I am going to take a break and try again later

I’m not a machine, don’t treat me like one

Signs I’m Doing Well

Waking up earlier

Reading

Eating well

Spending time in nature

Seeing friends

Going on Duolingo

Dressing nicely

Creative hobbies

Dancing

Laughing

Stretching

Showing Up for Myself

Wearing my fave makeup and clothes

Doing my hair

Jewelry

Making my bed every morning

Yoga

Annoying Advice that Actually Works

Squeeze an ice cube in your hand to calm down

Deep breathing

Grounding (54321 method)

Go for a walk

Opposite action

#mental health #wellbeing #anxiety #ocd #mental health strategies #adhd #perfectionism

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bomberqueen17 · 4 years

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traveling

(don’t reblog, I am not prepared for this to go way out of context on other people’s dashboards)

I know, I know, but I’m traveling for Thanksgiving.

I’m going to the farm where my isolation pod is, where I’ve been working all summer on the line at my sister’s poultry slaughterhouse. We’ve got one last big job-- everyone’s turkeys. Two processing dates for two batches-- we’re processing for another producer, as is traditional, and if he’s got 40-pounders like last year we’re gonna beat him up.

Yeah, I don’t live locally, yeah I’ve been working at my actual-income job for the last three weeks since we processed the final batch of chickens for the year, because yeah, I need actual money to survive. Yeah, that means I’m traveling from a hotspot (7% testing positive in Erie Co. as of yesterday) to... well, another hotspot, Rensselaer Co is up over 3% as of yesterday as well. (I got the NY Covid app on my phone and monitor it obsessively.)

(I’ve been strictly quarantining for weeks for this, only going, well, to work, in a retail store*, because I have to, because the unemployment ran out, because there’s still work that’s gotta be done, because my employer’s not getting rent relief or any kind of stimulus check, because there’s no money unless you’re already rich. I haven’t been into a restaurant since March. I haven’t been outside my house without a mask on in a couple of weeks now. So, how good a “quarantine” is that? You fucking tell me.)

(*I work in the office in the back. Yeah, I don’t talk to customers. Does that make me at lower risk? It’s all the same building, it’s all the same ventilation system, it’s mostly the same room. IDK; I leave my mask on. Does it help? I don’t actually know.)

I’m on an Amtrak train because I’m tired, because my car is not in great shape at the moment, because I’m going to get a ride back with someone afterward. (Yeah! More traveling. We’re reprehensible.) And this car is crammed (to strict guidelines, a maximum density-- they mark the trains sold out at 50% capacity) with college kids who are going home, because it’s terrifying out in the world and they want to see their mothers. And maybe that’s going to kill some of their mothers. And maybe some of their mothers are going to kill them.

The thing about all of this, as I look around at all the people traveling for Thanksgiving, and read all the Spicy Hot Takes on the Internet about how people traveling for Thanksgiving are the downfall of society, is that neither of those two parties are wrong. I am both of those. I think traveling is a terrible idea. And here I am, on a fucking train, watching the sun rise over corn stubble somewhere just outside of Batavia.

Because the thing is, this kind of shit is why humans organize themselves into governments. This is what a government is supposed to be for. A government is supposed to manage a fucking health crisis epidemic. It cannot come down to a college kid standing up to their family and opting to spend Thanksgiving alone (and possibly dying alone in their dorm room because their suitemates didn’t dare defy their parents and went home and brought the virus back). It cannot come down to a frightened parent telling their child to stay away. Humans are humans and we need human things, including and especially other humans. It’s got to be someone’s job to look at the big picture and allocate resources and implement policies to do what is necessary. And not half-assed impossible-to-enforce policies like “don’t have more than ten people in your house, privately”, which, if you’ve ever had an overbearing mother-in-law, you try telling her you’re not coming over and see what happens when she won’t buy Christmas presents for your kids in retaliation, you try dealing with your husband’s feelings about it, you try standing all alone against that like, fucking, Cuchulainn but with a frying pan and crying kids, like, fuck.

No-- policies like “we’re paying every restaurant’s employees to stay home and we’re giving paid sick leave to every wage earner whose job has been deemed essential”, kind of shit. Rent relief. Promises of re-hiring bonuses. Shit like that. None of this verbal-shaming-only bullshit that only makes people mad and doesn’t actually fucking stop any of the problem behavior.

I promise you, if there was money in it, the anti-mask rabble rousers would have a whole lot less traction.

It cannot be my individual effort. It can’t.

(I’m wearing an N95 I found in my basement with a three-layer fabric mask over the top and I’m fucking miserable and my face hurts and I have four and a half more hours of this to go. Oh my god does my face hurt. Shit these things suck.)

But I have to do this; it’s essential agricultural work. People have to fucking eat.

(Yeah, I’m going to wind up violating the law by eating Thanksgiving dinner with more than ten people, because that’s how big the farm isolation pod is; my immediate family was six, and now there are husbands and kids, and if we’re all here to process turkeys we’re going to fucking eat dinner together afterward, we’ve all been quarantining for it. Are we supposed to spend the day working together, eat lunch in shifts, and then eat dinner in shifts???)

Worst of all, the half-assed finger-wagging broke-ass attempts at stopping this are mostly being made by Democrats. Thousands of small business owners being ruined by this are going to blame Andy Cuomo (who is indisputably a piece of shit anyway so they’re not wrong in spirit, even if they are in specifics), and are going to vote straight-ticket Republican the rest of their lives over this. Across the country, lame-duck Republicans are going to trash the place on their way out, and the Democrats who come into office and try to fix it but don’t have any money to spend are going to be blamed for it, and in years to come, everyone will blame the Democrats for this. Just watch! Fuck your facts, fuck your feelings. Shrug. (I mean, to be fair, the Ds probably could get money, but they also only believe in giving money to rich people, which seems to be why our government thinks it exists. So they’re gonna bail out fucking Amazon or something and people will starve and they’ll wag their fingers at the progressives who voted for them to stop the bleeding and say we’re asking for too much. They very much will deserve it, in the end, and then Rs who never gave a shit in the first place will sweep gleefully back into power and strip the carcasses for scrap metal and sell it. I mean, I’ve seen this before, I’m old now.)

I’m tired. Please don’t reblog this, I’m not ready for people to read the first sentence and flame me over it for months. (Nobody ever reads the whole thing before they send anon hate.)

#don't reblog #current events #COVID-19 #thanksgiving #is it a mega-spreader event at this point?#probably #fuck i don't want this disease #but i have to live my life #i have to help my family #it cannot be up to me #do // not // reblog

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jjk-anime-horray · 3 years

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Meetings and Misfortune

Dazai Osamu x reader x Oda Sakunosuke

Series Summary: While Dazai finally gets over the death of his friend and moves on with his life, he has to watch him unnaturally return into the would, and now he has to watch him turn twisted and into everything he hated in a way.

Chapter Summary: Dazai finally reveals to the agency the situation they are dealing with, but their important meeting is interrupted by a public incident.

Trigger Warnings: Emotional trauma, mentions of extreme violence, mentions of emotional distress, mentions of illegal activities, and strong language.

Previous Chapter: Needed Connections

"Dazai, so you are saying that the usual agency's level of vigilance may not be against your undead associate if they choose to attack us, and the new unknown group radicals I presume." Voiced the president in his authority laced tone after Dazai finished explaining to the agency the new situation they are in.

"Not maybe, will not be, everyone should travel in at least teams of two, the unknown group we do not have any information on, other than the fact that they can raise the dead an control them, whether it's one person with the ability or one person with a necromancy ability and another one with a mind control ability, I have no idea. We do know that we could very possibly see more revived assassins in the coming times until we find the ability user or whatever is resurrecting them."

"Alright, everyone pay attention!" The president doomed, but mostly at Ranpo eating snacks in the corner. "I am going to make it official that everyone stay in a group of two or more at all times for everyone's safety for the time being, the groupings will vary from day to day based on daily assignments, but it's going to be a new rule that you cannot leave the building unless you have a partner with you. Dazai and (Y/N), shift your investigation to work on finding the new radical group, everyone is dismissed."

With that everyone rushed to go to various activities and investigations, but not without an eerie uncertainty that wasn't present before. Whatever it was is was definantly keeping you on edge, and you had a feeling that something it wasn't going to go ideally today at all, but you didn't know why, the classic hunch.

"Hey Daz, do you have any ideas where to start with looking for this new group, I have one, but it's something neither of us are going to like."

"If you mean anything other than asking the port mafia if they've had any rival groups show up than no, but it's quite the possibility that we could ask mutual-boom...... Did you hear that (Y/N)?"

"Yeah I did.....Do you know where that came from? It was kind of faint so maybe it was someone dropping something like a BUZZ BUZZ...wait a second Yosano just texted me."

Check the news. Was all that flashed on your phone's screen, and now you're curious so you check the news app, but the headline was far from pleasant.

BOMB SET OFf BY UNKOWN ROBBER GROUP AT BANK TO ESCAPE, MORE DETAILS TO ARRIVE SHORTLY.

"Oh shit, Dazai I know where we're heading next."

-----

"Well this is definantly not what I wanted to do today." He said staring at an computer, occasionally making a little clinking sound.

"You never want to do anything Dazai." You said as you were going through they bank's filing system.

The two of you were currently going through the bank's resources to find out what exactly the robber's stole. When you got to the crime scene it was blatantly obvious that this was not the usual heist considering that once you got there the two of you were told that no alarms were set off during the thieves stealing process. Meaning that they got in undetected. What was even weirder is that no money was actually stolen. The current bank you were at also offered an high-end, state of the art security vault to filthy rich buyers, with that being said the robbers most likely didn't use the bomb to escape, but to get into the vault instead.

So, the two of you were figuring out what they stole because clearly they went through a lot of trouble to get to it, and it had to be something more than just high value considering that the vault looked completely full, and all the items currently resting in it were family heirloom jewelry, paintings, and almost virtually anything a rich person would want to keep safe.

But, due to the bank's privacy policy there is not master list of all of the items in there, instead they kept in portfolios of the buyer's, so they two of you had to cross check every item in there until you figured out what was missing. While Dazai was checking the security footage, you were checking the items.

"Do you see anything on the security feed that hints to who these guys are?"

"Unfortunately the group of three were smart enough to have their faces completely covered, so the answer to that would be no. Also unfortunately there is no feed useable after the bomb was set off, but given the fact that they didn't bring any bags with them means that they stole something that could fit in their pockets. Maybe like a flash drive or something."

"Actually not a flash drive." Is all you said to cause your partner to turn around, then you elaborated. "It was a key, but unfortunately the buyer paid the bank extra money to keep their name anonymous, so we don't have any leads from that."

"Well, we know what the key looks like or do we not?"

"Yeah, there's a picture right here." You hand him the file containing all the information given about this key.

Unlike most keys it has two heads meaning that it's meant to unlock two different things. They key itself is made out of silver, engraved with some sort of writing all over it but you don't recognize it. It's also tarnished, meaning that it's probably very old along with pretty beaten up.

"It's kinda funky looking, wonder if someone shoved it down my throat it would kill me or not." With that you give your partner a classic glare. "Or not."

"Uh huh, that's what I thought, it does say that key was previously owned by a private collector, while it doesn't say their name, it does say their gallery if you could even call it that is 'Baroque.'

"Wait.....that's the auction that a bunch of filthy rich people go to quarterly, and some of the port mafia go there as well, but how are we going to even get in it's by invite only. We definantly not on the list, and last time I checked it's in about a little less than a week, do you have a miraculous plan. We could always steal someones invite....."

"We aren't going to steal anything! I have a plan, but it's stupid, and it would be a miracle if it worked."

"What might that be?"

"Ask Chuuya to see if he's willing to take me as his plus one."

At this point in time Dazai was the one staring at you, but not in they death glare way, in the way like did you literally just say that to my face sort of way.

"I'm so betrayed (Y/N)."

"Well do you have any better ideas?"

Truth be told he didn't, and he knew that his rival did have an invite because he saw him go to that auction in the past. He knew if he asked he would most definantly be killed in a matter of seconds, but you actually had a slim chance of actually convincing the short red head to help you, even if it's only temporary.

"Do you have any tips before I go Daz?"

"If you want the annoyance to actually give you a chance, you should bring some high-end wine as a bargaining chip."

While nodding in agreement, you stood up, and rushed to find the port executive. Walking into what would most likely become a complete disaster, but it's the only shot you got.

#anime #weeb #manga #x reader #platonic #romantic #odasaku x dazai #dazai osamu x reader #bsd dazai #dazai osamu #bungou stray dogs au #bungou stray dogs x reader #bungou stray dogs #bsd x reader #fan fiction #odasaku x reader #odasaku #oda sakunosuke #chuuya nakahara

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hes-writer · 4 years

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Better Half (2)

Summary: Y/N is pregnant and Harry is not ready

Warnings: just angst

Word Count: 2405 words

A/N: o god it’s been a long time. but here you go! i’m a bit rusty so please be kind <3 if you like it, let me know : D

It was hard enough for Y/N to accept Harry’s complete rejection of her pregnancy, but it was even worse seeing him walk away only to fly miles and miles apart from their little ‘family’. It had only been a few days since he had left and Y/N couldn’t help but let complete loneliness encompass every aspect of her life.

He somehow managed to integrate himself from work, to school, to her family home, and being the love of her life--it wasn’t easy erasing his lingering presence completely, especially when mutual friends cluelessly asked her about his well-beings. Y/N hadn’t told anyone else about her state, but it would probably be out in the open soon enough in case the paparazzi caught pictures of her leaving the clinic.

What she still could not grasp was his blatant decision to leave. It wasn’t like Y/N trapped him into having a baby--at least, she didn’t think so. Harry and Y/N talked about their future on late nights, while the lights were turned off and the only light illuminating them was the moon. They conversed about the prospect of their future; what they wanted at the moment and what they wanted later on. She missed those times when everything seemed to pass along delicately, where every second spent together would be a gust of pure and utter happiness. Y/N thought she took that for granted.

----

Y/N knew that she had to move on, especially since she had yet to receive a message from him. She was stuck at home reading the basics of what not to do while pregnant, trying to wrap her mind around the minuscule details that could affect their baby. Somehow, she still found herself drifting to thoughts of him; what would they be doing now if he responded the way she thought he would? Would she be wrapped in his arms, his chin digging gently into her shoulder while his ring-clad hands covered the small bump on her body? Would he be double-checking every single thing she ate to make sure that it was good for the development of their baby?

Y/N sighed in the empty living room, her legs curling towards her body to keep warm, the blanket barely doing its job. Her laptop dimmed in brightness, signifying that she hadn’t scrolled in a while.

She realized she had to move on and go forward, but how was she supposed to do that? When everything she knew was him. Harry was a staple part of her life and they were together for quite a long time. Right now, it seemed as if she had no idea who he was anymore. His once caring nature that she was delighted with for the time they were together vanished into thin air. Harry wasn’t the same Harry and Y/N had no idea why. She didn’t know what she did to make him this way.

She still loved him--that was no question-- but she had to love herself more. Still, it was hard to let go. Y/N never expected to be alone when she became pregnant. She just wanted an answer to the million questions buzzing in her head. How was she supposed to pull herself back together?

---

“Are we going to talk about this?” Y/N questioned frustratedly through the phone speaker. “I have to know if you want to be a part of this,”

The phone beeped, signaling that she had used up the minutes of leaving a message in his voicemail. For the past two months, Y/N received nothing from him, apart from the surprising addition to her bank account. Y/N knew that it was Harry’s way of being there for her, but it left a bitter taste in her tongue because she didn’t want money from him--she would find a way to figure out the expenses. She just wanted him to be there. His presence was something she craved for the past two months, yet he didn’t cave to her pleas.

She was sick and tired of reading an ‘I’m busy’ response flash through her phone screen; so so sick of having to be redirected to voicemail when wanting to speak to him about something urgent. Y/N shouldn’t be surprised though, she hasn’t heard his voice when it was directed only to her. His interviews showcased a very happy Harry and although she should be glad that he wasn’t down in the dumps (like she was), Y/N was scowling at his brightly gleaming face for not sparing a few minutes for his girlfriend. Can she even call herself that?

Her eyes welled up with tears of frustration, hands just about to rip the wispy strands of hair floating near her hairline. Why couldn’t he talk to her? She wanted to know if he wished for her to send the ultrasound pictures to him. Y/N repeatedly asked herself if she should journal her experiences and send it to him--just so he could at least have the minimum compliance with this whole thing. Should she tell him about what the doctor told her? How their little baby was slowly growing features that she cannot wait to see-- if they looked more like her or Harry. Does he have the right to know what was happening to her body? Day by day, her breasts become tender; her back a little achier. And her emotions heightened to an extent where she cried about the little things that he used to do around their home.

----

“The doctor said I have to keep a healthy diet to nourish our baby, H” Y/N’s voice drifted through the grand hotel room suite that Harry had been staying in for the past couple days. These rooms started to blur together recently, not much difference held the four walls except the city he was in. “It would be easier if you were here, you know? Would probably force me to eat my veggies,” Y/N chuckled jokingly, but Harry could sense a sadness in her undertone.

He frowned at her statement but chuckled softly just the same. She was prone to late-night snacking. The voicemail ends and another one begins. Harry shifted his back on the rough pillowcase.

“Hey Harry,” He sat up at the sudden change in her tone. “I don’t know if you even listen to these but if I sound sick right now,” She coughed, “It’s because I am.”

Harry could feel worry bubbling up in his tummy. His instincts telling him to book the next flight home and take care of her. With a quick glance at the timestamp of the voice note, he deflated seeing that it was sent about a week ago.

“Morning sickness is a bitch. I just puked my guts out and now I’m craving pickles,” A loud thud sounded with Y/N’s little, “Oop, I dropped my pickle.” Beep.

He giggled at her clumsiness, his nimble fingers rubbing at his tired eyelids. It had been a long day of shooting for him for his new music video, but his brain couldn’t seem to shut off despite his body protesting for sleep. So, he stayed on his phone, tapping through his apps and finally facing the reality he consciously avoided. His thumb pressed on the next voicemail from five days ago.

The first thing he heard was a sniffle, making his eyebrows shoot up to his forehead, “I-i miss you a lot, Harry. And I hope that you miss me too.”

Of course he missed her.

“Or not, that’s okay too. Unless…?” She prolonged the last syllable, a remnant of hope dwindling in her tone.

Beep.

He bit his lip, gnawing at the skin while switching to the second of the last voicemail. This one was from three days ago.

“I really hope you didn’t listen to that last note,” Y/N stated timidly, “My emotions are all over the place right now. Did you know I cried over the water not being hot enough for my bath?”

“It sucked a lot, but it did eventually. You know, turn hotter,” Harry smiled at the thought of her being so passionate about her bath taking. She mixed the right bath salts and foams so that it smelled so heavenly-- he couldn’t help but join in too. “Hmmm,”

He could just imagine her cute face pulling into a thoughtful look, lips pursing in a slight pout while she gathered the words for her thoughts. “I’m almost in my fourth month now,”

Harry nodded along with her as if she was right beside him, “Can’t believe it’s been that long since…” Y/N drifted off as realization hit her. “Since I told you,”

He gulped, shame filling the inside of his body. “B-but that means I can find out the gender of our baby soon!” He winced, the pain in her voice was evident. He knew that she wished for him to be there, but something was holding him back from owning up to the result of his actions. His breath got caught in his throat as he realized just how close she was to giving birth to his child. Well, not close but still close.

Beep.

“I met someone,” Y/N started. “I met him a while ago and I was debating on whether to tell you, so here I am. I still love you, I always will but I think that..” She choked slightly, “I think that it would be best if we broke up, officially. I don’t know what we’ve been for these couple months but it didn’t feel like we were in a relationship, H.” The message was from a day ago.

He breathed deeply. “I think that we ended when you decided to leave.” Harry agreed with her, the hairs on his neck standing up, giving a foreshadowing shiver to blow through his body. “I mean god, you’re such an arrogant son of a bitch! Was it so hard to say you’re sorry for what you did?” She questioned with a strain in her voice. “I didn’t want your money, I just wanted you to be here,”

Harry tried to open his mouth, but nothing came out. His throat was dry and he was glad that she wasn’t here or else he would’ve made a complete fool of himself. He was sorry. He wanted to tell her repeatedly even if she didn’t believe him. He had to make sure that she knew just how much he loved her despite not being able to fulfill what he should be.

“It’s hard talking to you, you know that? Like talking to a brick wall,” Y/N said snidely, “Haven’t heard from you in so long,”

“Are we going to talk about this?” Y/N questioned. “I have to know if you want to be a part of this,”

Beep.

And he does! Harry wanted to be part of this so bad but he can’t. He felt rushed and pushed in a direction that he did not want to go to at this time of his life. He hurt the love of his life because of him, but she couldn’t really blame him for that, could she? No one should have to be someone they didn’t want to be. A father, he thought.

But no one should have to raise a child alone.

He shook his head, trying to clear his mind and set focus on what he actually wants to do. All caution was thrown to the wind when he decided to call her.

His heart was thumping hard in his chest, blood was rushing quickly past his ears. He was beginning to sweat. This was the first time in months that he was willingly talking to Y/N, and god, did he expect nothing more than a proper lecture on how his ass couldn’t be bothered to pick up the phone once after countless voicemails. What a dick, he thought to himself.

The phone clicked.

“Hello?” Y/N’s velvety voice filled his ears.

“Y/N” He breathed her name out in relief.

“Harry? Is that really you?” She questioned incredulously. “Why are you calling me?”

He blinked back tears prickling at his waterline, his heart pounding harder. “Heard your voicemails. Wanted to check in on you,”

She snorted, “A bit late for that, but I’m doing fine.”

He closed his eyes for a few seconds, carefully threading the next words to say to her. It was going better than expected as she hadn’t yelled at him yet. But somehow, her calm demeanor plastered indifference and he didn’t know if that was better or worse.

“I-i’m so--,” He began.

“Sorry? Sure you are, H.”

He swallowed thickly, “Yes, I am. I really am.”

“I appreciate it,”

Silence overtook the connecting line, neither of them knowing what to say to each other. The distance had taken a toll on their relationship, making it as though they hadn’t been together for years. Harry and Y/N were strangers, despite creating a little human that was reminiscent of both of them.

“Y/N? The movie’s about to begin,” A deep voice echoed through from Y/N’s line, “Let’s go love,” He could hear Y/N shush the person speaking.

“Harry?” She said hesitantly, “I have to go now, okay?”

He nodded slowly before realizing that she couldn’t see him, “O-okay, wait!”

His voice cracked, “Do you think we can work this out?” His arm was stuck in its position of holding the phone close to his ear.

There were things that they’ll never know between them. However, the love was very much alive; Y/N admitted to it and Harry was sure that he could still feel the butterflies fluttering in his stomach when he thought of her. It was the sole question if they can work it out between them and Harry was afraid of the outcome because he knew just how rash his actions were.

But they were Harry and Y/N, they validated each other, almost as if they needed each other to function. Y/N was the better half of him and he didn’t doubt it one bit. And Harry might as well be Y/N’s rock because she had lost stability for the months that he wasn’t by her side. Despite the dues they’ve yet to face, Harry wished for what he already had.

“We’ll be alright,”

------------------

or will they? so anyways, it’s been awhile. im sorry about that. im hoping to post a few more before the year ends. been working on some old stuff, some new stuff-- cause you kNOW i’ll be writing something (surprise!) angsty since ‘falling’ wrecked my emotions

-------------------

permanent taglist: @fangirl-moment-x @kissme-hs @agoddamnmango @harrys-kingdom @harrysstyleseyes @calums-sugarbaby @queenbeestuffs @ashkuuuu @kettxo @send-me-styles @ofpeppermintbays @littledreamybeth @trustfulhaz @harrysfeastedflower @harrystxleslx @befourep @moonandstars-xo @babebenhardy @particularnarry @mendesromano @harrystylinsince1994 @juliassgem @miscll-fangirl @little-dragon-ate-my-heart @myfangirlworld @haroldssfedora @winchesterwife27 @w0wfxck @arypesanchez @harriemelonsugar @someinsanefangirl @derangedcupcake @bobo-bush @peachesaquari @shawnsnovel @ivegotparticulartaste @adore-you-hs2 @combativehood

#harry #harry styles #harry styles one shot #harry styles angst #harry styles one shots #harry styles oneshot #harry styles oneshots #harry styles angsts #harry styles imagine #harry styles imagines #harry styles fan fic #harry styles fanfic #harry styles blurb #harry styles blurbs #hes-writer #better half

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darkobssessions · 3 years

Text

Oh my god I am tired.

And it can’t be fixed by a good nutrient dense meal. Several days of good nutrient dense meals. Good sleep. Animal organ supplements and cod liver oil.

Not eating sugar. Not spending a fuckton of time on facebook.

Having a course to go to (that on it’s own is EXHAUSTING ME).

Ticking items off my checklist isn’t helping. Sitting and doing nothing because I’m too tired isn’t helping. Being honest on social media isn’t helping because I get advice that literally makes me want to off myself.

Speaking to support welfare people isn’t helping because no matter what I say I will still look like an alien with wildly gesticulating hands and I will still speak gibberish to them. They will not understand the struggle. They smile and nod with sympathy, or is it empathy? And the meeting ends and I have to leave and start again. Transitions terrify me. I tell them this and they need examples.

Where should I start? Changing a table in a restaurant sends me into a panic because I am now looking at an unknown patch of wall and even though it is the same beloved restaurant I cannot enjoy a bite of food because it feels like I am in a different ‘space?’

That I screenshot the position of my apps on my phone so I know where I had them if they get scrambled? And any change I instate I have to check I am used to it by switching back and forth between layouts to see how I feel with each one? That if change is just done without that buffer period I feel physically ill and cannot move on?

That every new job or change my partner makes to his routine is a change to my micro-routines and I spend a week or more in actual psychotic episodic stress, sobbing, melting down, with a building tension and despair, until suddenly I am okay with this new thing. Until it changes AGAIN and I am not.

That I feel the micro differences between how things were and what they have changed into. In a way that no one else notices. If a hat gets crushed in my carry on (which my favourite new one did this weekend) and it is flattened I know it will never go back to being how it was when I bought it, even if I fidget with it, bend it and try to reshape it. It is not MY hate anymore. It is a different hat. And it will never feel the same on my head as it DID. It will probably not be a favourite item anymore after this.

That I can tell the difference between the slight change in colour of a piece of clothing if something has spilled on it that won’t come out, or I am making art and I have second thoughts about using a certain product and then do it anyway and the end result is just a hairline difference from what it looked like before BUT I CAN TELL and forevermore that piece of art is ruined, even if I give it as a gift, I don’t LIKE it anymore and it will never be the same. When I add too much ink to some fine writing and it is ugly now.

When something changes with my hair or my body, like going to the dentist and I am out f sorts for weeks feeling the new tooth shape in my mouth and crying and grieving over the parts that were lost. How do I tell these people this? How do I explain to them that I just cannot rest if such a change has happened without an adequate time to prepare or grieve? That in the same way a compulsion operates, I cannot complete a task if something is missing, or move on if I am not 100% okay with where I stand with regards to any one thing.

So really why would a meal help?

Or some seemingly friendly people listening (while not understanding a thing)?

Or tons of free time (I should be doing important tasks in) that I end up wasting in existential dread?

Why does it matter that my brain is a supercomputer if I can’t organise my life? If I am burned out and I DO NOT want to engage with courses that ask me to stretch myself beyond the reasonable limit of compulsions not a single one of the others has?

I am exhausted, burnt out and still every day, dancing the dance without the dopamine, and patting myself on the back for not going on a murder spree, choking up all the drugs, crying in bed all day, giving up, destroying my possessions and just screaming gutturally.

In many ways I am destroying my life by not being able to care, have motivation or move forwards in a healthy way.

Need this course for the visa so I can stay with my partner in his country who is the only person who really knows me and takes care of me.

He works a full time job and I sit at home in existential dread knowing full well I should put in those job applications (for the 10 measly hours I am alloted to work weekly), catch up on university emails and work (I don’t care even though it is what has me in this country to begin with), set up my depop listings so I can get some living money...

Lists, lists, tasks, steps in order and priorities...

Or even to gather my poetry for a book. Or to write a story of my experiences. But can I do that either?

Battling with the stubborn ‘I’m not doing it’ attitude even though it IS for me, for US to move forwards.

Trying to get my stubborn brain to understand that there will only be more of this apathy, boredom and struggle UNLESS and only if I can survive through this difficult thing, make it work, and grow as a result. I’ve been through enough pain and difficulty that I cannot reasonably tell myself to just struggle with it because ‘it will be okay in the end’. It never has been before why is this time different?

By being challenged to do these things now technically it should lead to a change because we have set it up differently than it ever has been before. It could lead to becoming independent for the first time in my life. And maybe even enjoying it. Make my greeting cards and products that I have so much fun making but for lots more people than just family and friends.

Share some of my stories, writing and art.

Come out into the world as who I really am. Be a bit less afraid. Dress up how I would like to. Filter my words less.

Be in touch more with that ageless space within me from whence all this comes. Do the ancestors justice by making use of all the things they literally died to bring into the world.

Stop being so paralysed with dread and guilt.

Open up more.

And maybe I won’t feel happy, but I will be on my way towards fulfilled, and I have a suspicion that’s the only thing that will fill my cup

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kalimagik · 4 years

Text

How You Get The Girl

Based off of the song “How You get the Girl” by Taylor Swift

Tom Holland x Reader

<4K

Warning: Some cursing...but a lot of floooof - I just love happy endings, so be ready!

A/N: Here is the second part that follows my last fic “The Moment I Knew.” I wrote these ones a while ago an wasn’t sure if I wanted to share them or let anyone else read anything until my friend convinced me to start putting them on Tumblr, so I hope you like it! It you do, like, comment, reblog, or follow. Happy reading <3

*Not My GIF! Credits to Owner

It had been about 6 months since Y/N left her flat in London to spend some time back at her childhood home with her family. She had hoped that being around everything familiar would help her to forget the past year and a half and life she had built in London. She had gotten drunk with her friends, but that didn’t help. She would wake up startled in the middle of the night by dreams about how things used to be. They seemed so real to her. Once the holidays ended, Y/N knew she needed to go back to London before the New Year. As much as she wanted to avoid the holiday by staying at home, she needed to get back to her post in London.

Once leaving the airport, Y/N found a car to take her to her flat.

“Could you take the bridge?” Y/N asked the driver.

“Are you sure? That adds 20 minutes,” the driver responded.

“Yes please. I’m in earlier than expected and am not due back for a while.”

The driver nodded his head and put the car in drive. Y/N looked out the window and with each corner the car drove by, the memories came flooding back. There was the coffee shop where she had met Tom. There was the market where they did their weekly shopping together. There was the arcade where Tom had won her a large plastic ring. There were just too many memories. Y/N snapped her head forward to look at the road ahead of her. The red light in front of her cab lasted forever, but that was fine with Y/N.

“Is it going to be alright?” Y/N thought to herself.

The glaring red gave her a feeling of the unknown. She didn’t know.

“Common, Y/N! Don’t do this!”

“TOM! I told you! I can’t just wait for the time where I will fit into your life. I need someone who makes themself as available for me as I do for them. I need someone who is committed to this relationship. Jacob and Zendaya made it for my party and they’ve been just as busy as you. I cannot take the excuses anymore,” Y/N yelled through the tears.

Tom had been in her flat for nearly two hours trying to plead his case, but it didn’t do anything to change Y/N’s mind. She pulled out the largest suitcase she had and started packing.

“Where are you going to go?” he asked.

“I’m going home, Tom. I need some time away from here. Can you please just give me that?”

“When will you come back?”

“I don’t know. I bought a one way ticket. I need to be near my family,” Y/N blurted as she threw sweaters into her bag.

“Sweaters? It’s summer time! Are you really going to run away from this?”

“I’m not running away! I’m finally choosing me! Can’t you understand that?” Y/N turned around to face him for the first time in nearly an hour.

“Can I at least call you? Or come and see you?” he asked hopefully.

I would really prefer if you didn’t. I need this time,” Y/N responded as calmly as she could.

“Will you call me when you come back?” Tom tried again.

“I don’t know. Good luck, Tom. Maybe I’ll see you again,” Y/N said with so much pain.

Y/N wiped the few stray tears from her eyes as the cab pulled up in front of her building. Seeing it for the first time in all those months just reminded her of why she had left. Nevertheless, she pulled herself together, picked up her bags, and climbed the steps to the place that had once felt like home.

Walking inside, she turned on the old lights, the electricity flickering after having not been used for so long.

“Hello house,” Y/N whispered as she took her place all in.

Not a thing had moved. Zendaya asked to stop by just to bring her mail in and the pile was all that showed that someone had still lived there. Sitting down her bags in the kitchen, Y/N went through her six months of mail to see if anything caught her eye.

“bill, bill, magazine, bill, six bank statements, magazine, invitation…” Y/N stopped as she looked at an envelope addressed to her.

There wasn’t a return address, but Y/N easily recognized the handwriting that spelled out her name. She flipped it over, trying to decide if she wanted to open it, when she read on the back flap ‘I’m really sorry. Please just read this…’

She couldn’t do it though. She threw the envelope back on the table and stared at it.

*RING RING RING*

Y/N jumped as her phone went off in her purse. Finally peeling her eyes off of the letter, she went to fetch it.

‘CALL FROM Momma’ her phone screen read.

“Hi Mom!” Y/N answered, putting on a smile even though her mom couldn’t see it, “I just got back to my apartment, haven’t quite settled in though.”

“That’s great to hear! I just wanted to check in and make sure you got back alright,” Y/N’s mom said excitedly through the phone.

“I did, thank you. I’ll tell you all about my trip tomorrow though, I’m feeling drained from it and just need to get myself settled.”

“I understand, honey. I’ll let you go! I loved having you home! Love you, Y/N/N.”

“Love you too, mom. I’ll talk to you tomorrow. Bye!” Y/N ended the call and let out a deep breath as she looked around again.

Before heading up to her bedroom, she sent Daya a quick text telling her that she was back in London and grabbed her bags to lug them up the steps.

*BZZZZ*

“Give me a minute!” Zendaya laughed as she walked away from her group at the pub to check her phone, “Oh my gosh…” Her face went straight.

“What is it?” Harry asked her as he took a sip of his beer.

“Y/N’s back in London,” Zendaya said just as surprised as everyone else at the table.

Upon hearing the news, almost every pair of eyes went to look at Tom.

“Did you know she was coming back?” someone asked him.

“No. I haven’t heard from her in six months. I was starting to think she wouldn’t be coming back,” Tom answered slowly, “Did you know she was coming back, Zendaya?”

“She had told me a few months ago that she was going to eventually, but never said when. I’m just as surprised as you to be hearing from her,” the actress answered honestly.

“Should we go see her?” Harrison asked almost timidly.

“She said she is turning in early tonight. It was a long day of traveling,” Zendaya said as she read the message a little further.

“Tom, you okay?” Tuwaine asked as Tom sat there silently.

“What do I do guys? I obviously still love her…” Tom finally said as he thought back on the last six months.

He could barely think about going on dates with anyone else, so he didn’t, despite his friends urging him to. He checked her social media almost regularly and asked Zendaya constantly if she had heard from Y/N. His work was just something he went to and did every day, but he didn’t care about it. It wasn’t the same without her there. He was a complete mess until 2 months into her being gone, his mom convinced him to write a letter with everything he was feeling in it.

He wrote down everything he wanted Y/N to know. He knew that she had asked him not to contact her, so he sent it to her flat hoping that she would read it when she was back in London. It didn’t make him feel much better because she wasn’t there, but it allowed him to continue on with everyday life even if he was still hurting. Hoping that maybe she would read it was really what kept him afloat.

“Do you think she read my letter?” he asked no one in particular.

“She didn’t say anything about it…” Zendaya answered, “but maybe she hasn’t gone through her mail yet. There was six months’ worth!”

Tom could just nod his head.

“What do I do?” he said hopelessly, “Do I wait until she calls me? Do I go and see her?”

“Let me try and talk to her and see where she is first, Tom. Don’t do anything too irrational,” Zendaya tried to talk him down.

“Fine. But I need to hear something about her soon…”

Y/N tossed and turned the first night back in her bed. It wasn’t that it was uncomfortable. In fact, it was like a cloud that had been puffed just for her, but the letter sitting on her kitchen table seemed as though it was screaming. Y/N couldn’t stop thinking about it and wondering what Tom had to say to her. Maybe that he had found someone else and moved on. Maybe that he didn’t love her anymore. Maybe to say that she had been wrong about the whole thing and he could never agree with her. Every possibility went across her mind and none of them were good.

Flipping over one more time, Y/N checked her phone. 2:30 AM. She should be sound asleep right now! Lightning flashed light through her curtains and her ears were filled with the sound of rain drops hitting her windows and the ground outside.

Letting out a loud sigh for no one but herself, Y/N threw off the blankets and got out of bed. She quickly went down the steps, flipped on the kitchen lights, and held the letter in her hands for a second time. She looked at it for what felt like an eternity contemplating whether or not she should open it.

Not bringing herself to do it, she carried it back up the stairs, sat it on her night table, and scrolled through social media to distract herself. She favorited some tweets and then switched to Instagram. That’s when she stumbled across a picture that Sam had posted around the time she got back. She could see the smiling faces of all the people she had met through Tom. In the middle of them was the smiling face of Tom himself. Y/N hadn’t really let herself explore the feelings she might still have for Tom. She had felt the pain for so long that she just wanted to be numb to the whole thing. This picture though, seeing him in a natural setting for the first time in months, opened the floodgates.

Of course she still loved him. How could she not? She had spent the last six months avoiding all thoughts of him, but apparently the simplest picture brought back all of her feelings. How could she know if he had still felt the same way? It had been six months.

That’s when, without thinking, Y/N grabbed the letter from her bedside table and used her fingers to open it up. She examined the few sheets of paper and the handwriting that was so clearly his.

‘My Dearest Y/N it started. Reading the words brought tears to Y/N’s eyes. She wouldn’t let herself sob though. She read Tom’s sorry’s and tales of how he was such a mess without her. Y/N’s heart opened for him, but the letter dated 2 months after she had left…A lot could have changed for him in the four months that followed. But he signed it ‘With all of the love I could possibly possess, The boy whose heart is always yours’ How could anything change that much?

*BZZZZ*

Y/N sat the letter down to look at her phone screen. It was Zendaya.

‘I see you’re active on social media at 2:30 AM. Go unlock your door. I’m coming over to see one of my best friends for the first time in MONTHS!’ the text read.

Y/N laughed as she could hear Daya’s voice through the text.

She quickly slid the letter back into the envelope and put it into her bedside table drawer. She pulled a sweatshirt over her head and went down the steps to unlock her door. She slid into the kitchen to put a kettle on the stove and make some tea.

“Knock! Knock! KNOCK!” Zendaya called walking through the door.

“In here, Daya!” Y/N called as she pulled out her assortment of tea.

“You are looking absolutely radiant!” She smiled as she popped into the kitchen.

“I look disgusting. I didn’t even shower the plane off of me,” Y/N laughed.

“I don’t think that matters. I haven’t seen you in six months! You look beautiful in my eyes,” she said as she wrapped Y/N in a hug, “How have you been? I’ve barely heard from you at all?”

“I’m really sorry for that. I was living in the moment at home, ya know?” Y/N tried to explain.

“I get it. Are you doing better? Are you here to stay?” Zendaya pried.

“I think so. I missed London. I missed my life here. I couldn’t stay away.”

“That makes me happy to hear! London missed you too! Plus, I am so sick of being around boys all the time! The group needs you!”

“Daya…” Y/N slowly said, pouring the water, “I don’t think I’m going to be hanging out with the group. I’m sure they don’t even want to see me…”

“What are you talking about? I was with them when you texted me and Harrison asked if we should come see you right then!”

“Wait…You were with them when I got back? So they know I’m here? All of them?” Y/N tested, not wanted to come right out and ask about Tom.

“Girl! You do not have to do that with me! Just ASK ME ABOUT TOM!”

“How is he?” Y/N asked timidly, blushing at Zendaya’s directness.

“He hasn’t been himself. You have to know this is killing him. He misses you. For fucks sake, he was asking me about you every day!”

Y/N looked down at the mug in her hands, trying to figure out how to proceed with this subject.

“You should just call him,” Zendaya interrupted her thoughts.

“I can’t do that. I’ve picked up my phone a million times…”

“It’s up to you, but he will answer,” Zendaya encouraged.

“Thanks, Z. Can we be done with this now?”

“Sure. Only if you tell me all about your time at home! Spill!”

Y/N smiled as she began to catch up with her with her friend at 3 AM.

Three gloomy days had gone by and Tom still didn’t have any word on the girl he loved. She’d been in London for three whole days and hadn’t called him. The silence was deafening to him. He couldn’t take it any longer. He needed to do something.

“Guys. I need to make a gesture. I have to see her.”

Tom was breaking as he stood in front of his friends.

“Have any of you heard from her? Haz, you grew pretty close with her. Can you give me anything?”

“Tom. If she had reached out to me, I would have told you right away. Why would I keep that from you?”

“I know, I know. I’m sorry, mate. I’ve just been on the fucking edge. Why hasn’t she called?”

“I wish we knew. I really wish we did.”

As the boys contemplated what Tom should do, Zendaya finally made an appearance after three days.

“Long time, no see!” Harry joked, “Where have you been hiding?”

“I’ve, uh, been with Y/N actually. We had a lot to catch up on…” she responded, looking at everyone but Tom.

“Did she say anything about me?” He asked, hope in his eyes.

“Tom. You know that’s not my place.”

“Please, Z! I’m going out of my mind here. I’m trying to respect what she asked of me, but I don’t think I can much longer.”

“We did talk about you, but she wasn’t giving me much. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. Thank you. Do you think I can go see her?” Tom asked.

“It’s up to you. I don’t know. Like I said, I can’t get a read on her.” Zendaya tried to explain.

“I’m going to see her. I need to. What should I say to her? I don’t want to come on too strong.” Tom asked.

“Tell her how you feel. Tell her what you know she needs to hear. I think it could be romantic,” Tuwaine chimes in.

“I’m going to do it. I’ll see you mates later. Wish me luck! Z, don’t tell her that I am coming. Got it? I can’t have her running away again.”

“Fine, Tom. Go get her.”

London was rainy this time of year. It was always rain or snow and today, the rain was coming down harder than the day that Y/N had gotten back. She had finally unpacked everything from her six month excursion home and picked up the packages that she had shipped back to London.

For the first time, Y/N was able to flop down on her couch and relax. She flipped on the TV to watch a Christmas movie (after Christmas). The sound of Anna Kendrick talking calmed her down and the sound of the rain made her eyes start to flutter as if sleep would come at any minute.

*Knock, Knock, Knock*

Y/N was so startled that she shot right up. She wasn’t expecting anyone, so she didn’t know who it could be.

Wrapping a blanket around her, she made her way towards the door.

*Knock, Knock, Knock*

Whoever this was, they were not very patient. Y/N looked out the peephole, but couldn’t see anything because of the rain. She unlocked each of the locks that lined her door and opened it up to come face to face with a drenched Tom.

“Are you insane, Tom?! You are going to catch pneumonia!” Y/N looked at him in shock.

“I need to talk to you and I will stand here until you let me,” Tom said while looking her straight in the eye.

“Come in I guess. I can’t leave you out there.”

Y/N opened the door enough for Tom to walk in. She had no idea what she was feeling or how she was going to be able to talk to him.

“What is it Tom?” Y/N asked as they stood in her front hallway.

“Please, please, just let me say this,” he asked.

“Okay,” Y/N nearly whispered as she wrapped her blanket around her tighter.

“It’s been the longest fucking six months of my life. Back at your birthday, I was too scared. I couldn’t tell you what you wanted to hear. But love, I want you. I want every bit of you. For worse and for better. I will wait forever for you. I know that I completely broke your heart, but I will do everything I can to be the one to put it back together for you, if you haven’t done that already.”

Y/N looked at Tom with teary eyes. She didn’t know what to say, but Tom wasn’t done yet.

“Y/N. This is my absolute favorite picture of us. I couldn’t bring myself to change it after you left. I messed up so badly. I have not been able to forgive myself for it.”

Y/N looked at his screen saver. The picture had been one of her favorites too. It was their first Christmas together. Tom took Y/N to see the place in London with the most beautiful Christmas lights. She had been in awe and so excited at the same time. Tom couldn’t stop holding on to her all night. One of their friends had snapped the picture of them right as Tom kissed Y/N on the cheek with his arms wrapped around her waist. It really had been a perfect night.

“Y/N?”

She snapped out of the happy memory.

“I know that there is no excuse for why I wasn’t there that night and why I didn’t even call you. I had to of lost my mind then. There is no excuse for it. I left you all alone though and I was too much of a coward to tell you why and I’m so sorry. I don’t expect you to say anything to me right now, but I’m telling you, I will wait forever for you. You are my person. I just need you to know that.”

Tom finished his speech. He definitely hadn’t prepared at all, but that was how he felt.

Y/N knew it must’ve been so hard for him. She couldn’t stop the tears from rolling down her face. Tom had just poured his heart out to her, but she didn’t know what to say. Was it okay for her to just go back to him? She was so confused. Her head was telling her that she couldn’t in order to avoid any kind of pain later, but her heart was a different story. Her heart wanted her to open her arms and take him right back into them. She hadn’t stopped loving him over just six months. He was all she thought about and cried about and dreamed about.

“Okay, I know I said I didn’t expect you to say anything now, love, but could you give me some sort of sign?”

Y/N realized that the two minutes she had sat there pondering, must’ve seemed like an eternity to Tom.

“I’m really just trying to gather my thoughts, Tom. I knew that I’d see you again, but I honestly didn’t know what to expect or what I would do. I don’t have anything to say that is nearly as beautiful as that, but I did miss you. I missed you so much Tom…”

Y/N finally looked up into Tom’s chocolate eyes, which were twinkling like when she first knew she loved him. Let’s be honest, she knew she couldn’t let him walk away. She still loved him. And the feelings she felt for him didn’t come around for people very often in a lifetime.

The tears fell faster from her eyes as she tried to wipe them away.

“Hey, hey. I didn’t mean to make you cry,” Tom looked so worried for her. He slowly inched forward, putting out a hand to wipe the tears for her. He couldn’t stop himself. That was one of the things she loved about him.

“I love you, Tom,” Y/N finally blurted out, “I love you so much.”

Tom smiled the biggest smile that he had made in months. His heart filled with so much joy and he couldn’t believe that he has her back as his again.

Tom took both hands, one against her cheek with a thumb wiping the last of her tears and the other wrapped around her waist and onto the small of her back to pull her closer to him. Their lips connected, finally, after six lonely months. Tom got the girl.

#tom holland #tom holland fan fic #tom holland x reader #mcu #marvel #peter parker #peter parker x reader #spiderman #kalimagik #happy reading #new fic #songfic #taylor swift song

110 notes · View notes

living-dead-parker · 4 years

Text

Homecoming Queen

Summary: Request by @kalianoble - I was thinking something along the same lines being Tony's daughter and friends with the team And someone actively is trying to replace her, but she sort of pours out everything into her music and songs that she writes

Inspiration: Homecoming Queen by Kelsea Ballerini

Songs Used in the fic (not my original writing, credit goes out to the musicians): With Ears To See And Eyes To Hear & The Left Side of Everywhere by Sleeping With Sirens

Pairings: Avengers x stark!daughter, Shawn Mendes x stark!daughter

Warnings: cussing I think, implied sex, ooc Avengers

Word count: 1.9 k

"Oh come on, she's not trying to replace you," your friend Serena states, trying to reassure you. Your frown deepens as you lean back in your chair until you're nearly falling off of it.

"The other day, she was in my dad's lab, laughing and chilling with him and Bruce, as if they've been friends their whole life. Then, they barely acknowledge me and she would try to get rid of me way too quick."

Your friends wince, not entirely too sure how to respond to that. However they do feel bad, seeing how much it's taking a toll on you. Meanwhile, you sulk in your pity. As spoiled as it may sound, you'd always gotten attention from your dad and the Avengers. They never bothered to get to know any other interns or temps. Why now? What's different this time around?

Eventually, you find yourself back home and upon entering the common room, you see Peter, Sam, and Bucky sitting on a couch each. Much to your disdain, Chrissy, the Avengers thief is there too. You feel the dislike bubble inside of you. A smirk evident on her face.

"Hey, you," Bucky calls out, offering you a smile.

"Hey," you respond, not feeling or sounding too eager. They all pick upon it, but what they don't pick up on is the way Chrissy glares at you. Chrissy scoots closer to Peter, resting a hand on his thigh. You chose to ignore it.

"Is everything okay?" Sam asks.

"As much as I'd like to chit chat," Chrissy speaks up, sounding way too sweet to actually be sweet. "I think Tony might be looking for you."

"He is?"

Chrissy shrugs, picking at her nails, not looking up at you. "Last I checked," she mumbles. You roll your eyes, walking off towards your room. He would have called it it was important.

From that point on, nobody talked to you for the rest of the day. You stayed in the comfort of your room's solitude. Not a single person asked about you. Not when Chrissy was there to entertain. An angry sigh escapes your lips as you watch them all play a game of Cards Against Humanity without you. Everyone laughs as Chrissy cheers from winning another round.

The days seemed to pass by much in this fashion. Days turned to weeks, which turned to months. It was slowly growing on you until being alone was all you wanted to do anymore. The lonliness began to eat you up, making you feel depressed and angry. You'd begun to feel like you were truly loosing your place, and slowly, your assurance in your purpose.

Chrissy continued to climb the ranks and everyone was wrapped around her finger. You'd try to reach out to the others, understanding that communication is a two way street. However, it always seemed to fall apart as soon as Chrissy walked into the room. You're convinced she's watching your every move because she's always there to intercept every single interaction. Ultimately, she got to a point where she was invited to events.

Parties, galas, and any other event was no longer fun because all you ever got was a simple greeting and a rushed five minute conversation.

You sit alone at a table at one of your father's gala after parties. The gold dress you wear making you stand out, yet no one approaches. until you see an all too familiar man slowly walk up towards your table. Curly brown hair, warm brown eyes, and an inviting yet excited smile. It's contagious as you find yourself smiling back.

"This seat taken?" he asks. Looking up at him, and with a certain excited gleam, you shake your head eagerly.

"Feel free," you respond, watching as he pulls the chair opposite you out and takes a seat.

"I'm Shawn-"

"Mendes, I know," you cut him off. He looks amused as you gasp from how rude you're being. "Sorry, I didn't mean to cut you off. I'm Y/N-"

"Stark, I know," he cuts in, a s mink on his lips as he leans back. You never really took him as a cocky person, bout here he is, making a Stark all flustered. "Can I ask why you're all alone?"

You seemed to naturally let your guard down around him. The walls were quick to fall and you held such deep and personal conversation with him. He reciprocated, letting you in on tons of personal information. As the night continued, the two of you talked, danced, and laughed together.

From that point on, the two of you became close friends and Shawn introduced you to the amazing world of writing and making music. As your family continued to push you away and fall into Chrissy's hand, you learned to write your feelings away in some of the most lyrically beautiful prose you could. So much so that Shawn was taken aback by it all.

As time passed, you found yourself constantly examining your relationship with Shawn, realising that it's not as platonic as you'd expected. The cuddling, the kisses, the hand- holding and gentle touching. Maybe the fact that you'd just slept with him last night, just before he's meant to leave for tour.

"Are you sure you'll be fine?" he asks, stepping out of the restroom, towel wrapped around his waist. You bite your lip as you watch him walk over. He picks up your shirt from the floor and tosses it at you nervously.

"I'll be fine," you tell him. He nods, still unsure. You sigh, kneeling on your bed and crawl over to him as he stands leaning against your bed. Your arms wrap around his shoulders, lips pecking his shoulder. "Seriously, I'll be fine," you assure him. "Maybe I'll write something new while you're out being a popstar," you joke. He chuckles, placing his lips to yours.

"Maybe you'll write something better than me," he states when he pulls away. "Who am I kidding? I know you can."

Your heart swelled at his words. How can someone be so sweet and caring? So loving.

Once he left, you were stuck by yourself. However, you didn't allow yourself to get upset because you decided that you cannot buse all your happiness around Shawn. So, you got up and got productive. You showered, cleaned your room, got breakfast, and cleaned some more. You managed to say hi to your dad before Chrissy came along and you went back to your room. You grabbed your notebook and your pen, walking over to the garden room, guitar case on your back.

"Okay, we can do this," you say as you pull your guitar out. You flip open to the last song you wrote, one that's close to completion. Just needs a line or two. You then press record on your phone's voice recorder app.

"Falling over and over again," you sing, trying the chords you'd accidentally strummed the other day. You decided to keep the same general progression. "Oh, why does it have to be this way?"

The sound wasn't working, so you ditched the guitar, trying to find a sound through other mediums.

"From the place I was, to the place I am, to the place I want to be," you sing, following your own tune, letting your voice be your guide. "For the mountains I've been climbing over and under and over," you continue, finding your voice.

"From the place that I was to the woman I've become, I'll be there to see the tower you fall from," you belt out, really getting into it. "No this kingdom isn't quite what it may seem. You're an illusion you'll never be queen."

You sigh, flipping the pages in your notebook. "We'll come back to that one later, let's try Left Side of Everywhere," you tell yourself. This song was complete, now it's just a matter of recording it.

"There is no doubt tonight," you sing as you strum along on the guitar. However, you find yourself ditching the actual lyrics and singing something new. "I'm falling, I'm falling so in love with how you are to me. For you I would give anything, try to be a better person."

The words took you by surprise as you think of Shawn. You take a pause, falling into a rabbit hole of emotions and thoughts.

First and foremost, you're in love with Shawn. How could you not be? He's been nothing but kind and supportive of you. He's helped you through multiple breakdowns and he's given you purpose again. Sure, you've always had purpose even before he came along, but he helped you realize thats you're so much more than Tony Stark's daughter or a friend of the Avengers. So much more than just Shawn's friend. It doesn't matter if everyone is blinded by Chrissy's temporary shine, because you're so much more than that and you have things to say. Shawn encourages that. You don't need people who easily push you away and forget about you when someone new comes along.

"Now that I have the world in front of me," you sing excitedly. "I'm never turning back. How could I ever let this go?"

You pick the guitar back up and press record again, repeating the line and letting all your thoughts out.

"So many times I fall, I'm falling, I fall apart," you sing. "I'm so concerned with pity things, it drags me farther down. Why do we run from things we're scared of? I see it now it's all so clear. No, there's no turning back from here. Now that we have the world in front of us, we're never turning back. How could we ever not believe?"

It all seems rather silly, but you grow more excited with every word. You lose track of every word you've sung, but good thing you recorded it. Finally, after a minute, you end it, settling on going back to a loving tone,

"How could I ever let this go? I love the thought, what this all could mean. You're the only good thing left in me. Now that I have the world in front of me, I'm never turning back. How could I ever let this go?"

With that you call it a day.

Three months later, Shawn comes back, way too excited to see you. He arrives at the tower, meeting you in the common room where everyone, Chrissy included, is hanging out. He steps out of the elevator, quick to pull you into his arms and press his lips to yours in a sweet yet passionate kiss. When the two of you pull away, you grab his hand, pulling him towards the hall without acknowledging anyone.

Back in your room, you show Shawn your semi completed album. He listens to it, a large smile placed on his lips.

"So?"

He pauses as he pulls you into his arms. "It's amazing, just like you."

You smile, pulling him in for a kiss. He smiles into the kiss, pulling away to mumble a simple question. "Be my girlfriend?"

An excited squeal escapes your lips as you eagerly nod. Loving every second of this moment. You're excited. For your future, in music and with Shawn. Hopefully, a reconciliation will be in your future as Well, but for now, you're okay with where you are and you believe everything will fall firmly into place.

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