#I can go into so much detail about these songs
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Baby Daddy | friends to lovers (to parents)
Summary: After you have a one-night stand with your good friend Harry and become pregnant he doesn't know for certain that the baby is his, but he has his suspicions.
A/N: Requested! Here & Here. This was originally posted on Patreon.
Word Count: 13,995
Warning, smut, pregnancy trope (there will be talk of y/n going through her pregnancy and all that entails but not in great detail), mention of abortion, alcohol consumption, teeniest bit of angst, lying, fluff
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You stared down at the pink double lines on the stick that indicated you were pregnant. How could it be? It was a one-time thing! He’d only come inside of you once (and you’d also only had sex the once). How was it possible that he knocked you up? You shook your head and frowned as you sat down on the toilet lid and thought back to that night 7 weeks before.
~~
Harry was there for you. To console you after the gut-wrenching breakup with Joe. Which had kind of surprised you. Your roommate had been at work so you called your best friend, Erin, and she was busy already but told you she’d see you the next morning as soon as she could. You called your cousin. Voicemail. And then you called Harry, not thinking he’d even pick up. But he did – I need to go out for a drink. Joe just broke up with me. Come get drunk with me.
Harry showed up at your apartment and wrapped you in his arms and you sobbed into his armpit, which smelled really nice you thought, and when you looked up at his face to tell him as much he laughed and kissed your forehead, “You’re too adorable to cry. Come on angel. Let’s go get us a drink and talk about everything.”
One dirty martini got you yammering on and two had you sitting far too close with Harry grinning dopily. Three had you complimenting his green eyes I always thought you had the prettiest eyes I’ve ever seen… and spilling intimate details about you and Joe that no one else knew.
And four? Well… Four martinis had you pressed into the wall next to the bathrooms with Harry’s hot mouth all over yours as he confessed how he’d always wanted you. And then it had Harry calling a taxi to bring you both back to your place.
“Shhh!” You giggled as Harry collapsed on your mattress and pulled you down with him making you nearly knee him in the balls.
“You shhhh!” He pawed at your bum and then ran his lips against yours as he closed his eyes, mouth half-cocked in a smile.
You weren’t being as quiet as you should have been. Your roommate could’ve heard you and Harry and that would just have opened up a whole can of worms you weren’t willing to delve into.
See, not only did she think you were still dating Joe, you and Harry were good friends. Since grammar school. And your roommate was one of your closest friends who was also very good friends with Harry. So, keeping quiet while you were on your bed with him at 2 in the morning as you unbuttoned his jeans was imperative.
He was just trying to distract you from how upset you were about Joe. He bought you drinks and had a few of his own. He kept pulling at your lip when he’d see you start to pout, and he’d make a dumb joke or compliment you so you’d feel better. Then you two were laughing and swaying together on the dance floor to one of those popular radio songs that was kind of sexy with a slow beat, he whispered into your ear that you were cute, and then his hand found your hip and the whole world stopped.
That’s how Harry wound up in your bed pressing kisses to your neck as you both hastily undressed. That’s how he wound up between your legs, eating you out until you whined that you wanted him inside of you and so without care or thought about what could go wrong or what you were getting yourself into he slowly pushed himself in and you gasped.
“Oooh, fuck that feels good…” he breathed when he felt you wrapped around him. Every rock of his hips pulled and then pushed his cock through your walls.
He whispered to you like that all throughout. Soft and sexy. His deep voice had you tingling and his cock had you absolutely gushing. Everything about having sex with Harry was intimate and sweltering. You’d never been fucked so good in your life and even though you were still upset about your recent breakup, Harry’s dick and his dirty mouth were pulling you through the murky heartache a bit faster.
He fucked you so good you saw stars when you came. And the fact that you came in the first place was a feat in and of itself. Because Joe had never once made you come in all the time you dated him.
But it had been the best. It was just what you needed in that moment. His hands and lips on your body, his deep voice in your ear telling you how he’d always wanted to do that with you, messy hair, sloppy kisses, wet thrusts…
And when he came you told him to come inside of you and you felt every bit of that as he pumped into you, gushes of his sperm filling your insides as he kissed you softly through his orgasm while you gently ran your fingers into his hair.
All of it was so good. It could have been like a fairytale, some sort of epiphany where two friends suddenly realize they’ve been in love all along and they live happily ever after. But the problem was you were both a bit tipsy and you’d fucked without a condom. And the following morning when he ducked out before Esie woke up was the last time you two ever spoke of your drunken night.
And now here you were with a positive pregnancy test that looked up at you tauntingly.
You’d had your suspicions but hoped you were wrong. You started getting a touch queasy around 10 am while you were at work and your normal vanilla latte didn’t sit right with your tummy anymore. And then there was the exhaustion. You were so tired you were falling asleep on the couch by 8 pm every night and Esie teased you about it.
But the biggest clue was when your period didn’t come. You were regular like clockwork and you knew then but just didn’t want to admit it to yourself.
You weren’t sure what to do. You knew without a doubt it wasn’t Joe’s. You two had been having issues a month before he broke up with you and you hadn’t slept together since then. That left one option for the father and you certainly weren’t going to tell Harry about it. At least not right away. You figured he didn’t deserve to be tied down to you like that. Perhaps you’d just get an abortion, or maybe you’d have the baby and never tell anyone who the father was.
Whatever you decided, it wasn’t going to be an easy decision.
. . .
“Harry’s here,” Esie spoke when you walked into your apartment after work. She was sitting on the couch, “In the bathroom. Just wanted to let you know so you don’t have a scare when he walks out. You’ve been so jumpy lately.”
You gave her a weak smile and nodded, “Oh. Thanks.”
You kind of wished he wasn’t in the bathroom. You had to pee badly. Maybe worse than you ever had in your life. That was another thing, as the weeks drew on your bladder somehow seemed to shrink and you were constantly peeing.
The moment he opened the door you raced past him to take your turn.
“Well it’s nice to see you too, Y/n,” he laughed as you pushed the door closed and sat on the toilet in relief.
There was no time for niceties. Your bladder was about to burst. And not only that… you were in a bit of a foul mood. As nice as Harry was, you just wanted to get into your PJs and curl up with a book and ginger tea to soothe your queasy tummy. You really weren’t keen on entertaining him that evening.
When you finally joined the pair in the living room you’d already put on your comfy clothes and washed your face clean of makeup.
“Oh, you staying in for the night?” Harry spoke as you plopped down into the soft cushion.
“Yeah. Not feeling very good right now. Why? Are you guys doing something?”
Esie laughed, “Y/n’s been really forgetful lately,” she turned to look at you and tilted her head, “It’s Harry’s birthday today, Y/n. We were gonna take him out. Remember?”
You groaned and dropped your head back into the couch cushion, “Fuck. I totally forgot. I’m sorry, uh,” you looked at Harry and forced a smile, “Happy birthday.”
He shrugged, “It’s fine. Just another day. You don’t have to come if you’re not up for it, Y/n.”
You shook your head and pushed yourself from the couch to stand, “No. I’m coming. Let me just get dressed…”
And yet the other thing that was becoming… well, a thing… was that some of your clothes were a bit too tight in the waist. In the morning you could put on almost anything from your closet and it’d feel normal. But by the end of the day, your clothes had suddenly shrunk. The first pair of jeans you pulled up your legs buttoned but they were tight. So you cursed and tore them off, kicking them away before settling on leggings and a sweater.
At that point, you were around ten weeks and you had yet to go to the doctor, which you knew was bad but you weren’t sure what to do. Part of you wanted to have a baby, even if no one ever knew who the father was. But the other part of you wanted to continue on in life as you were before that night with Harry. Before you got pregnant.
Your small group of friends were already at the bar when the three of you arrived. Everyone ordered drinks and you had a water.
“Not drinking tonight?” Seth commented.
You shook your head, “Not feeling the greatest today.”
Harry sat down next to you and put an arm over your shoulder, “You didn’t have to come. I know you’re not feeling great. Stomach bug or something?”
You turned to look up at him and in that moment you felt a bit of relief. Like there was nothing to be scared of. Harry was a good guy. Someone you trusted and could rely on. Maybe having the baby wouldn’t be so bad. Especially if it turned out anything like him.
“Yeah, I think so. Just feeling blah…”
“Well thank you for being here. It wouldn’t have been the same without you,” he grinned and those damn dimples were like an elixir, soothing and restorative. Maybe it was pheromones or just being tucked under his arm so close or being given his attention, but you knew for sure that he was attractive, you’d always thought so. But now? It had morphed into some dreamy kind of residue that clung to you all the time. Made you wish you could just reach up and press your mouth to his. Tell him the truth and see what happened.
You thought about it often. That night. How ardent it was. You’d never had it like that before. You two just fit together so well. Everything slid together like it was a key into a lock. He touched you just how you craved, his warm lips were sensual, his words, his voice, his body, his laugh.
Harry stayed by your side all night. Everyone sang him happy birthday and he pinched your arm when you told him he was getting old. You couldn’t tell if that was just him being himself around you or if he was kind of flirting with you. But you brushed off that thought easily. He could have any girl he wanted and even though you sometimes wondered about the way he was looking at you, you couldn’t allow yourself to get hung up on that.
You had bigger things to worry about. Much bigger things. And just being next to him with his fingers at your shoulder, his deep raspy voice in your ear, the subtle flirting… it was in that moment that you made your decision about what you were going to do with the baby.
After you finally booked your first appointment with your doctor your decision to keep It was crazy but you wanted it. Doing the whole single-motherhood thing might be insane but you were determined. Somehow you felt a connection to the little life growing inside of you and the idea of being without it suddenly felt worse than letting your life go back to the way it was before.
It was months before anyone caught on. Before your best friend Erin figured it out. You were glad that none of your friends were observant enough to notice too soon (and that the weather had been cool enough that your wearing baggy sweaters didn’t raise any eyebrows). You felt like you needed those few months to adjust to what things were going to be like. To make a plan, to settle it within yourself that you were going to have a child and you were going to do it alone.
Well, mostly alone. You weren’t sure when or if you’d tell Harry. It might have been selfish to keep it to yourself but somehow you felt like it would mess up his life. He’d be forever stuck in your little town. Kind of like you probably would be.
“Can I ask you something,” Erin whispered as she pulled you aside.
You sighed. You’d noticed her eyeing your belly region since you arrived at her house. And on that particular day in May, it was oddly sweltering hot so you refused to put on anything that would have you sweating more than you needed to. You were at the point in your pregnancy where your comfort started to take precedence over hiding what was happening in your body. You couldn’t take it any longer. Five months pregnant and the baby was already bigger than was normal. Your doctor had made a joke that you’d have a 9 lb baby. Which didn’t sound funny to you at all.
Of course, Harry would make a massive baby. You wondered if he’d been big when he was born too.
“I know what you’re gonna say and it is exactly what it looks like,” you put your palms on both sides of your growing tummy.
Erin flitted her gaze down to your tummy and up to your face as she put her hand over her mouth, “Oh my god. Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I needed time to let it sink in. Just didn’t want to deal with talking about it really. It’s embarrassing.”
Erin shook her head, “No it’s not. You know you can trust me. Right? So it’s Joe’s?”
You blinked your eyes and looked down at the grass under your sandaled feet. You’d rehearsed what you’d say to everyone but you hated not telling the whole truth, “I haven’t gotten a paternity test but…” you shrugged. Hoping that was enough. Not a lie but certainly not the whole truth.
“Oh wow. So he knocked you up and then broke up with you? Or wait… does he not know?”
You shook your head, “No one knows. Except for you now. And the doctor of course. Oh, and my mom. That’s it.”
Erin was having a little backyard barbeque. Most of your friends would be there. You figured with your outfit, a pair of linen shorts with a stretchy waistband and a tanktop that should have been a bit breezier but instead was rather tight, people would notice. Not everyone had arrived yet but you were anticipating a coming out of sorts. It made you nervous but you couldn’t really hide it anymore.
“So no alcohol for you then,” Erin snickered as she placed two bottles of wine on the outdoor table.
“Yeah. No booze for me for a bit,” you laughed with her. It was nice to have your best friend in the loop finally. You had wanted to tell her so many times. Nearly did the moment you saw the lines on the pregnancy test. But you just never found the right time to do it and selfishly you wanted to keep it a secret a little longer before everyone found out.
And just as you assumed, everyone who came, who knew you, took note of your obviously pregnant belly. Those who knew you asked about it, while those who didn’t didn’t. Most were perfectly polite. But your thoughts and attention were elsewhere because you were most nervous to see Harry. To face him and take in his reaction.
You were in the kitchen putting buns on a platter when he finally joined you. You hadn’t really looked in his direction much when he arrived because you were too nervous to see his face when he noticed your belly.
“Hey,” his voice was soft and disarming. You turned to look at him as he walked up behind you and squeezed your shoulders, “Gonna tell me what this is all about?”
You looked down at your tummy and then pulled another bun from its package and shrugged, “Well, I’m pregnant. What more should I say?” You laughed as you glanced at him and then back down to the platter. The words felt acrid because you knew why he was asking and now you were going to have to lie to him.
“I can see that, Y/n. How far along are you?” His expression was serious. He was clearly not in the mood for jokes and you could understand why.
Was he doing mental math? He probably was. Harry was not a dumb man. His first question to ask how far along you were indicated as much.
“About 5 months.”
It was silent for a moment. You crumpled up the plastic bag and looked at him and the expression on his face was telling.
“What?”
He shook his head and leaned his hip into the counter, taking the plastic from your hand, “Is it…” he took a breath and searched your eyes, “Is the baby…?”
You shook your head, “No. It’s Joe’s. Don’t worry.”
A full-on, flat-out lie. You hadn’t planned on lying directly like that but how could you tell him the truth? You’d already dug your hole so deep, might as well keep going.
“You sure? I mean… I thought you said that you two hadn’t… like… we didn’t use protection, Y/n,” he lowered his voice.
Letting out a breath you nodded, “Don’t worry, Harry. Really. You’re not on the hook for this. Okay?”
“Yeah. Okay. Does Joe know?” You were surprised that he appeared… disappointed.
“No. Hardly anyone knows,” you laughed, “Well, after today everyone’s gonna know I guess.”
Harry carried the tray of buns outside for you. You told him you could do it. That you were on bun duty because it was one thing Erin would allow you to help with. But he insisted. In fact the rest of the afternoon he was doing lots of small things for you. Once you were seated to eat he gathered up all the sauces and brought them to you, asking which you’d like and spooning them onto your plastic plate. He refilled your cup with water every time it got low, helped you stand up when you started to get out of your chair after eating, and then brought you a cupcake when you mentioned to Erin how good they looked.
But Harry was kind of always like that. He was the sort of friend that did nice things for all of his friends. Except there was something this time. Perhaps it was just your own perception of it based on the little secret you had, but his attention was not taken for granted. You appreciated his kindness.
And before he left he pulled you to the side and hugged you into his broad chest, “Let me know if you need anything. Okay?” He cupped your face in his hands to look at you.
You nodded, “Okay. Thank you, Harry.”
. . .
Harry learned you hadn’t gotten a paternity test when he talked to Erin about you. You had made it seem like you were sure it was Joe’s but how could you be so sure? The timing was suspicious to him, especially since you told him, the night you two had sex, that Joe hadn’t touched you in over a month. And that’s kind of what put everything into motion with Harry coming on to you. He felt like when you told him that, you were laying down some kind of hint. So that part he remembered clearly.
But he remembered everything quite clearly from that night. He might have been a bit tipsy but there wasn’t a moment he’d forgotten. Like how he orgasmed inside of you. And how after he’d come you both laid together with his cock still inside of you as he gently rocked in deeper, which he was now sure had only pushed his come further into you.
And that had been so dumb. Of both of you. You asked him to come inside of you and he did without question. That was where his horny/tipsy brain let him down. But what choice did he have except to believe you when you told him the baby wasn’t his?
He wouldn’t press the issue but he wasn’t going to ignore his suspicions either. He’d push them down and choose to believe you but not without being a bit more watchful.
. . .
Once all your friends knew you were pregnant word spread a little faster than you preferred. You just hoped that it wouldn’t get back to Joe because if it did you’d have to confess that you lied and then all hell would break loose. Or that’s how it felt anyway. Maybe that was a bit dramatic of you with whole hell-breaking-loose talk but you were allowed to be dramatic!
All your life you’d done things the normal way. Under the radar. Never causing so much as a peep when you didn’t like something just so you wouldn’t offend anyone. You put up with a lot of shit from other people who didn’t take your thoughts and feelings into account.
So now things were different. It was like being pregnant had changed you. Where you once were a quiet doormat, now you were a bit louder with demands.
“Jesus. What’s gotten into you?” Erin laughed when you plopped down onto your couch after you just told her you had no desire for a baby shower and to drop it.
You put your hands on your belly, “This. I think being pregnant has like changed my brain chemistry or something. I have no patience for bullshit anymore. And a baby shower? Really, Erin? That sounds awful.”
Erin sat down next to you and put her hand on your bump, “I like the new you. And I can’t wait to meet this little one who’s giving you this new attitude.”
You laughed, “Yeah. Me too. The closer it gets the more scared I am but also really excited in a way.”
“You realize I’m throwing you a baby shower whether you say yes or not. I love your new gives-no-shits approach lately but come on, Y/n. You need things and if Joe isn’t going to pitch in then you need help from all your friends.”
You knew she wasn’t going to give up on the baby shower idea. You felt like a fraud, though. Gifts and a whole afternoon spent in your honor because you went and had sex without a condom?
“I know you’re gonna do it anyway. All I ask is that you don’t make some big announcement. I don’t want Joe to know about it or anything.”
Erin sighed, “Why don’t you tell him, Y/n? He could help you with everything too. And I know you two broke up but it’s something to think about ya know? Like he could pay child support and you’d have the father listed on the birth certificate and it’s good for like, health stuff too. Like anything that could be hereditary from Joe?”
Pursing your lips you looked toward the window. You’d already decided on telling Harry at some point. You’d gotten past the whole single mom, doing it on her own BS when the doctor told you the same thing. How important it could be to know the baby’s father’s medical history. You just hadn’t figured out when to tell him yet. Timing would be important but the shame of having lied all along was really what was keeping you from telling him.
“You’re right. The doctor told me the same thing. But, it’s not that easy…” your pulse increased as you looked at Erin. You didn’t know why but you felt the need to tell her everything. To come right out and just tell her. She was your best friend after all. You could trust her not to say anything.
“I know it’s not easy but come on… he’s gonna figure it out at some point. He was just at Seth’s house the other night when I went to pick up Marcy. Seth’s cousin knows you’re pregnant and so do half of his friends and if Seth finds out you know Joe will find out.”
Sighing you leaned your head back into the couch cushion behind you, “It’s not Joe’s.”
Erin was silent for a moment and then you felt the couch shift as she angled herself to face you, “Okay. And do you know who the father is?”
Nodding you turned your head to look at her, “Don’t say anything to anyone. But it’s… Harry.”
Her eyes nearly bulged from her head as she stood up and paced in front of the couch, “Harry Styles? Our Harry?” She stopped and looked at you, shock on her face.
“Yes. That Harry.”
She continued pacing, “How? When did… but…”
“It was just one night. Right after Joe broke up with me we went out and he came back home with me and then that was it. Got knocked up from just the once.”
“Holy shit… Okay… Okay…” Erin sat down and took your hand into hers, “Harry’s a really good man. I just know he’d be supportive and loving with the baby. I actually think Harry being the father is way better. This is actually,” she puffed out a laugh, “This good news! Oh my god, this is… and I think you two would make the best couple. He’s always had a crush on you and–“
“Stop,” you put your hand up, “One thing at a time. Okay? I’m not thinking about any kind of romantic relationship right now. I’m just concerned with getting this thing out of me healthily and figuring out how to tell Harry in the first place.”
“So you’re gonna tell him. Okay… Listen… I’m not going to tell anyone. You already know that. But this, Y/n… this is good. Okay? Harry and you? You don’t need to be thinking about the future of your relationship with him right now but you’re set, girl. If Harry’s the dad? But you better figure out how to tell him soon. He’s been talking to some chick he works with. I don’t think it’s anything serious but still…”
Rolling your eyes you shook your head, “I’ll figure out when to tell him. It’ll be when I’m ready. And if he starts seeing this other chick then good for him. He deserves happiness.”
Erin scoffed and rolled her eyes, “Yeah sure.”
. . .
You didn’t realize how much it would affect you seeing Harry with someone else. The girl was cute. She was nice and her perfume smelled pleasant (which was good because you were very sensitive to smell as of late and most scents made you want to puke).
Harry had stopped by at Erin’s to drop off a few things he picked up for your upcoming baby shower while you were there and the girl was with him because they were on their way to a movie. A date.
The introduction was nice enough but you didn’t like it all. You hadn’t expected to feel the way you were. And it was your fault in a way. Maybe things would be different if you’d just told Harry already.
“How’s our baby, doing?” Harry put his palm on your stomach and you could have burst into tears. The “our” baby was innocent. Your tight-knit friend group all called the baby our baby, but somehow in that moment it just hit different.
Swallowing down your emotions you put on a smile, “It’s good! Super healthy. Just another month and a half and I’ll get to meet the baby. It’s gonna be big, though. Doctor says it might be close to 9 lbs.”
Harry blinked and slid his palm down the thin material of your flowy maternity shirt over the bump and looked at you as if he was trying to speak paragraphs to you in a glance, “Wow. That’s… big. And how’s the mommy? Are you feeling okay?”
You nodded and looked from the girl who was standing next to Harry looking at your massive tummy and then back up to Harry, “Feeling tired. And this thing is huge and heavy. But we’re healthy, so…” you shrugged and Harry removed his hand from your tummy but he kept his eyes on yours.
“I’m glad you’re healthy. That’s the most important thing. Oh, and here,” he walked toward the table where he placed the shopping bags and pulled out a box of your favorite pistachio and vanilla cookies from the bakery you loved. “Made an extra stop to pick these up for you.”
Erin and Harry’s girlfriend or whatever she was stood and watched as your eyes teared up and Harry handed you the small container. He had been nothing but sweet and helpful to you during your pregnancy and all the regret you already had about not telling him came pouring out of your eyes in that moment. It was ridiculous.
“Hey, what’s wrong? You still like these yeah?”
You nodded as Harry pulled you into his arms, though the big bump in your tummy made it hard to have a proper hug, “I’m fine. Just emotional some days. Thank you, Harry. This is so so kind of you.”
You hated that this chick Harry was with had seen that. Hated that you were so sensitive and that Harry was with someone else. Hated that you looked like a bloated beluga and that your thighs were aching for no fucking reason. You hated that despite the gross feeling in your gut you wanted to devour the cookies like a starved madwoman.
“You want me to stay? Want to talk?” His deep voice in your ear as he rubbed your back was calming. And if you were a sliver more selfish than you already were you’d say yes and have him stay with you and skip the date entirely and you’d revel in watching the disappointment on his date’s face when he told her he was choosing you over her. Even though she was nice, that would have still felt really good.
But you wouldn’t do that. Wouldn’t interrupt Harry’s plans that way. Looking up at him you shook your head, “No. That’s okay.”
The look on his face slowly transitioned from strangely hopeful and soulful to something like defeat. Disheartened. You pulled at his hand and smiled before mouthing thank you.
When Harry and the girl left Erin sighed, “I don’t mean to be nosy or push you or make you feel like you’re doing something wrong but I really think you should tell him and do it soon. Did you see the way he was looking at you? Y/n… I know you saw that. He’d drop everything for you. He’d break up with that girl and I guarantee the moment you tell him it’s his he’d do anything. That man is smitten with you.”
You shook your head and took a bite of a cookie, “No he’s not. Look at me? I’m a mess. Everything is puffy, I can hardly move… look at this!” You lifted your hand up to show her your swollen fingers.
Erin laughed and pushed her fingers through yours, “Beautiful. You’re gorgeous. Glowing. An entire life is being grown right here,” she put her hand over your tummy, “And Harry Styles is in love with you all while thinking this baby is someone else’s. Mark my words, Y/n. The moment you tell him is the moment you’re gonna learn how far gone he is for you and how he’d do anything to make you happy.”
You laughed and shook your head but you did wonder. Because Harry had been a certain way with you since the day he learned you were pregnant. His doting and his gentleness were not something you could ignore.
. . .
The morning of the baby shower had been good. Your mother took you to get breakfast and you both walked together along the path near the lake for some exercise and fresh air. The only two people in the world who knew about Harry being the father were your mother and Erin. Your mother had met Harry before and she was quite fond of him. Everyone was fond of Harry, though.
“I just don’t understand why you haven’t told him, Y/n.”
“Well, it’s because I lied about it, Mom. I wasn’t thinking clearly at the beginning of the pregnancy. I don’t know if it was hormones or scrambled brains or what… Now I’m sort of regretting it but I’ll figure it out. He’ll know soon. I just need to figure out how to break it to him.”
“How to break it to him? Well, maybe something like… Hey, you. You knocked me up. This baby is actually yours and not Joe’s. Sorry for the inconvenience but that’s the deal.” Your mom laughed, mimicking your voice.
You laughed and shook your head, “Yeah it’ll probably be something like that. I just hate that I lied about it. Because I’m not a liar. I thought I was doing it to protect myself… I don’t even really know what I was thinking but I will tell him. Soon.”
When you arrived at your apartment most everyone was already there. Including Harry. The place was filled with little decorations and baby things. A table overflowing with presents and some sat on the floor next to the table. Another spot where there was food.
You didn’t know what the sex was going to be and didn’t want to know until the moment it was born so the decorations were neutral colors with a few splashes of blue and pink here and there. It was cute.
“There you are…” Harry swooped in and took the tray of goodies your mom was holding and he kissed her cheek, “Nice to see you! How have you been?”
You and your mother followed him to the kitchen, your mother giving you a knowing glance before she responded, “Just great. Everything is pretty much the same as it was since I last saw you, except now my baby is pregnant.”
Harry chuckled and once the tray was placed on the counter he draped his arm over your shoulder and hugged you, “And how are you?”
He always asked how you were. Always offered to help. Often would buy you random things he thought might make your pregnancy easier. Creams, pads for your back, nausea bands, teas…
“I’m good. Closer and closer. How are you, Harry?”
Soft pink lips turned up as he kept his sparkling green eyes on you, “Good. Happier now that you’re here.”
You rolled your eyes at him and just as you were about to retort Erin popped into the kitchen, “The lady of the hour! Come! I have to show you something!”
The baby shower was relatively fun. But it was tiring. It lasted longer than you had anticipated and you tried not to complain. Opening every present was a bore. A full-on snooze fest. Most things were just practical stuff you’d need. Lotions and powders, things to make bath time easier and safer, diapers, bottles, cleaning things for said bottles, a special baby food blender, onesies, socks, bibs, blankets… But you didn’t complain because you didn’t want to seem ungrateful.
It was a sea of pastel yellow, green, creamy whites… The cake was good, though. And finally, when everyone started to leave you felt like you could breathe. Having a small apartment packed full of people felt like you were a zoo animal on display. But the remainder were welcome and you appreciated that some straggled behind to help clean up.
Your mother left once all the dishes were clean and put away and then it was just you, Erin, your roommate, Harry, and two others who were helping put things away so you didn’t have to lift a finger.
You were sitting on the couch with your legs propped up on a pillow when Harry sat down by your feet and pulled them into his lap.
“Hey!” You laughed and started to pull away from him but the moment his thumb mushed into the tender part of your sole you gave in and relaxed your limbs.
“That was easy. Thought you’d gripe a bit more. Feels good yeah?”
You nodded, “It does feel good, actually. My feet are so swollen, though. Sorry.”
Harry continued kneading at your feet, rubbing sore spots and you were working to hold back your moans, “Stop it. Your feet look fine. This is normal anyway isn’t it?”
“Well, yeah but still. Even my fingers are puffy,” you laughed.
Erin sat down on the chair near the TV and smirked at you, “Y/n doesn’t believe it when I tell her she’s glowing. She’s sexy as a pregnant woman isn’t she Har?”
You narrowed your gaze at Erin in warning.
Harry laughed, his eyes on yours, “I think she’s just as lovely as always. Pregnancy definitely suits her.”
Everyone else joined in the living room and you moved your feet from Harry with a quick thank you as you felt the baby kick. You put your hand on your tummy and gasped, “It’s kicking!”
“Can I touch?” Your roommate asked as she moved from her spot to make her way to you.
“Yeah. Go ahead,” you smiled and showed her where to put her hand. But there was no movement. You poked at the spot and groaned, “Ahhh… a tease, this one.”
Erin walked over and put her hand on your tummy. Nothing. The baby didn’t budge. It often did this. Whenever you’d feel it move it stopped moving for anyone else. Not even your own mother had the chance to feel the baby kick in your belly.
Your two other friends also tested their luck, “It’s always like this. I’m the only one who’s ever gotten to feel it kick. I don’t know what it is.”
“You try,” Erin looked at Harry as she backed away to sit.
Harry licked his lips, “I mean… only if it’s okay. I don’t want to–“
“It’s fine. If you want to it’s okay. Really. Probably won’t move but ya know. Why not?” You laughed.
Harry scooted himself across the couch to sit right next to you as he placed his hand over your tummy where you pointed.
“Hey there, little one. Uncle Harry is here saying hello,” you watched Harry as he spoke in a soft tone. His deep voice had your skin prickling and your heart rate increasing. No one else really spoke to the baby and somehow seeing Harry do it drew the smallest bit of emotion up in your chest as he looked into your eyes and slid his thumb next to yours.
But then it kicked. The baby kicked and kicked again. Harry laughed and placed his other palm over your tummy so he was holding you with both hands and the little sucker was doing acrobatics all of a sudden.
“It’s never done that…” you spoke as you laid your palm over the space, “For anyone but me.”
“It’s kicking for me,” he grinned and his eyes softened as he cooed in a hushed voice looking down at his hands, “Hey baby. We can’t wait to meet you.”
“Maybe it’s your voice,” you whispered and Harry looked like he was in awe. Eyes twinkling with emotion.
“I feel so special.”
“Can I try again?” Erin stood over you two. Harry moved his hands away and the moment her palm took over the place Harry’s was the baby stopped moving again.
You laughed and felt around, jabbing gently into your tummy, “I don’t know why it’s doing this. Come on little human. Kick for Erin…”
You caught Harry’s gaze on yours. He had a small smile on his mouth and his cheeks were flushed.
Erin shook her head, “Ahh it’s okay. Now’s not my time.”
“We should probably get going.” The pair who arrived together both stood and said their goodbyes. Harry got up and went into the kitchen as you walked your friends to the door and thanked them for their help.
“Go talk to him,” Erin whispered in your ear.
“What?” You scrunched your face in confusion.
“Harry. Go talk to him. He’s in the kitchen and I think he’s upset or something.”
“Why would he be upset?”
Erin raised her brows at you and looked toward the kitchen and mouthed, “Just go.”
Sighing you waddled toward the kitchen and noticed Harry had his palms flat on the countertop as he looked downward at the platter of cupcakes silently.
“Hey…” you gently put your hand on his tricep, “Are you okay?”
He looked down at you and nodded, “I’m fine. Just… needed a minute. Felt like it was nonstop today ya know?” He pushed himself from the counter and let out a forced laugh.
“Okay. You seemed upset just then. Wanted to make sure nothing was wrong.”
Harry opened his mouth and then closed it before he shook his head, “I’m fine. Thank you.”
“Oh!” You reached for his hand and pulled over your tummy again.
The kicking was nonstop as long as Harry’s hand was on your tummy, “Hi there. You wanted to say hello again, didn’t you? I am flattered you seem to like me so much. I’m your favorite, aren’t I? Your secret’s safe with me little one,” he bent closer to your tummy to speak to the baby.
If he didn’t give you butterflies before, well that whole exchange certainly did. You were aware your hormones were going bonkers too. Just seeing Harry had put you into overdrive, though no one would ever know it. Who knew pregnant women got so horny? Your doctor told you it could happen but looking at his big hands on your bump, the soft smile on his face, the look of something that could easily be mistaken for fondness in his eyes had your head spinning.
You laughed when Harry looked up at you and stood back to his full height, “What? Baby likes me more than the others. Pretty sure we’re gonna be best buds.”
A small breath fell from your lips at the thought. At Harry thinking it.
“I sure hope so. Just a little over a month. Doctor says could be sooner due to the size.”
“Yeah. You said on track to be a big baby,” he smiled and looked down at his hand on your bump and then back at you, “Will you…” he cleared his throat, “Please let me know if there’s anything you need or want. I can, you know, help. And… if you go into labor I’d like to know. I’m sure you already have a plan with your mother and Erin but…” he trailed off his words as you put your hand over his.
“I’ll let you know if there’s anything. You’ve already been so helpful, Harry. I’m beyond grateful for you. And when I go into labor I’ll make sure someone calls you.”
He nodded, “Thank you.”
There was something about that moment. How tender and vulnerable it was. Your eyes locked and his hand on your tummy with the baby kicking inside. His baby. And it felt like he knew it too. Like he could see through your bullshit and he was just waiting for you to tell him the truth. Praying you’d spit it out once and for all.
And that had stuck with you. The moment the baby had kicked for him was like a signal for you. Some kind of omen or something (not that you believed in those kinds of things). It was time to tell him.
“You wanna come over tomorrow and help me set up the crib?”
. . .
You slept like shit. Which wasn’t too outside of the norm since Harry’d gotten you knocked up. His massive baby was pushing on all your organs and made it hard to get comfortable in bed at night. And just when you’d start to doze off you’d need to pee or there was a sharp pain or your leg would cramp up.
In short, by the time Harry arrived the following day to help you set up the crib, you were in a terrible mood. You were still going to tell him the truth but you were unsure of how it would all go down now that your mood was spoiled. Where you’d been so hopeful before, now you were doubtful. What if he was repulsed?
You had wanted time alone with him. Your roommate was out so it would be perfect. It felt like it would be better to tell him when no one else was around.
He brought croissants and jam and your favorite cookies. The moment you saw him with the bakery box in hand and a warm smile on his pink lips your bad mood was suddenly lifted slightly. Just the sight of him was a breath of fresh air.
When he sat the box down he pulled you in for a hug and kissed your forehead, “How are you feeling today?”
You rolled your eyes because he was too perfect. Too sweet.
“I’m… well, I’m tired. Didn’t sleep much. This thing makes it hard to get comfortable and my back aches. But… we’ll survive.” You laughed it off.
Harry’s brows pinched together, “Okay. Let’s get you off your feet then. Here,” he pulled you into your bedroom where the unopened crib box was sitting. He gestured for you to sit down on your bed, “Sit.” He helped you scoot into the headboard and stuffed a pillow behind your back before he turned, “Let me grab the box in the kitchen.”
You watched him quickly exit your room and looked around yourself. He had no idea what kind of bomb you were about to drop on him. Your nerves were all over the place. You were sure that was part of why you didn’t sleep well the night before. You couldn’t put all the blame on Harry’s baby.
When he returned to the room with the pastry box and two plates, “Cookie first? Or croissant with jam?”
“Mmm…” you looked into the box, “… cookie I think first.”
“Cookie for mama… here you go,” he handed you a plate with a cookie and you huffed a laugh. God, just hearing him say that had your toes tingling.
Harry began to remove the parts from the box and handed you the instructions to read over, “Okay. Read to me what I need to do first.” He took a bite of a croissant.
“Attach small end panels A to posts D with lock washers and connector bolts. Here,” you turned it so he could see the figure in the picture with the parts and he began to put sections together as you read off the instructions.
You wound up getting up to help him even though he told you to stay put. You insisted anyway and handed him the small tools as you read the directions.
“This is so much more work than I thought it’d be,” he laughed as he tilted the nearly put-together crib upright.
You covered your mouth and looked at its frame. It was almost as if none of what was happening was real until you saw the crib there, at the foot of your bed with Harry’s hand on one of the corner posts.
He reached out to rub your arm, “You okay?”
Once again, your emotions and hormones were wrecking you. You sat down and Harry sat next to you.
Sniffing you nodded and laughed, “I’m okay. I just can’t believe there’s a crib in my room for a baby who’s going to be here sooner than I’m ready for.”
“I know it’s wild. I never really imagined what it’d be like to put a crib together before.”
You smiled sheepishly and looked down at your tummy. You wondered if the correlation between Harry being near you and making your heart race had something to do with the baby always kicking only for him. Especially when you looked into his eyes and he was looking at you like that.
“So, uh…” you laughed, “You still seeing that one girl from work?”
Harry cocked his head and looked at you with an amused smile, “Maybe. Why? You never once asked about girls I’m dating before.”
“Oh… I was just curious. You don’t have to answer or anything,” you frowned and moved to stand but your movement lacked grace and you only fell back into the bed and Harry put his hand on your back.
“I was teasing. You can ask me anything, Y/n. But it’s just casual. Haven’t been out with her in a couple weeks. Might not see her again outside of work.”
“Why not? She seemed really nice,” you were thrilled by the news but tried not to let just how thrilled you were show.
Harry laughed through his nose as he kept his eyes on yours, “Just cause. Kind of felt like I was leading her on a little. Never really was that into her.”
You nodded and pursed your lips to act casual but Harry’s hand was still on your back and your roommate was coming home soon and you needed to tell him. It felt like your room was closing in around you. It was time.
You inhaled deeply and swallowed, “Um… I need to tell you something. It’s kind of big and…” another deep breath and the feel of Harry’s hand soothingly rubbing your back that felt like he already knew what you were going to say as if he were coaxing it out of you gently. “Uh…”
“It’s okay. Take your time.”
You smiled at him before closing your eyes and blurting out the words, “Joe’s not the father.”
Harry’s soft caresses slowed down as he pushed his hand upward to your shoulder, “I kind of had a feeling it wasn’t his.”
Popping your eyes open you looked at Harry, “You… didn’t think it was Joe’s?”
Harry shook his head, “Felt like you weren’t telling me everything. Are you gonna tell me who the father is then?” He raised his brows. He knew. He already knew. But he needed you to say it. To tell him. You could see it in his expression that he knew.
“Well, that kind of just leaves one person, doesn’t it?”
“I don’t know. You tell me, Y/n.” He wasn’t going to make this easy but of course you deserved that.
Pushing out a breath you nodded and put your hand on your tummy, “It’s… you.”
Harry nodded his head as he kept his eyes on yours. You swallowed thickly when he removed his hand from your shoulder and stood up before running his fingers into his hair and began to laugh.
You didn’t know what was going through his head but his reaction was… well it wasn’t what you imagined and now you were wondering if you should have just kept it all in. Never told him or anyone the truth. Because letting another full human being into the mix was daunting. Harry had his own life and hobbies and he was dating and he was in the process of looking for a house to buy and he’d recently talked about getting a dog…
You started to spiral in your thoughts, regretting that you told him at all. Feeling like you’d just made a grave error when you felt Harry’s arm slide behind your back, “Hey… come on. Don’t cry…”
It hadn’t even dawned on you that you were crying. You were too overwhelmed by the feeling of rejection and embarrassment to take note that tears were pouring out of your eyes.
“Sorry!” You squeaked and hid your face in your arm, turning away from him.
Harry pulled you in closer and smushed his lips to your temple, “Shh…”
You gasped to catch your breath and felt the warm singe of embarrassment still frothing over your skin. The tears weren’t helping anything because now you just looked like a lunatic. Unable to form words or look him in the eyes. You’d even put on mascara before he came over so you’d look cuter when you told him he was the baby daddy.
“We’re gonna have a baby,” he spoke against your hair and ran his hand up and down your arm gently.
You laughed and buried your face into his clavicle.
“Can I tell you something, Y/n?”
You nodded, and a muffled okay came from your mouth as you kept your face tucked away.
“Can you look at me first?”
“Harry my face is gross. You don’t want to see this…”
“Nothing about you is gross. You’re breathtaking. Please look at me.”
Another puffed laugh fell from your mouth. Breathtaking. That was a bit of an exaggeration.
You slowly pulled your face away from his chest and tilted your head up to look at him. The grin on his face stretched upward and he ran his thumbs under your eyes, “Look at you. Nothing gross here. Bit of makeup down the face. You don’t need this stuff anyway,” he wiped the smudged mascara and you brought a hand up to wipe with him.
“Sorry… I should know better than to put mascara on these days. Everything makes me cry,” you ran your fingers under the delicate skin of your eyes as Harry continued wiping at your cheeks.
“It’s an emotional thing. All this. Good to get a cry in here and there.”
You laughed and sniffled. Harry didn’t let his pupils stray from yours.
“So, listen…” he inhaled, “I want to be with you. I have wanted that. When I learned you and Joe broke up I thought that was my chance. But then we slept together and I thought you regretted it. You kind of acted funny around me for a bit after that so I backed off. But really, I wanted to scoop you up and make you mine. Figured maybe you just needed time to get over Joe.”
You were stunned. You blinked your eyes and shook your head, “You… I thought…” A breath fell from your lips.
“It’s okay if you don’t want me like that. But I do want to be part of this,” he placed his hand on your pregnant belly, “This is ours. I want to help. I want to do everything I can to be there for you.”
“You want to be with me? Like…” You blinked in disbelief.
“Yes. Like I’m in love with you.”
He’d just blurted it out so casually. As if you weren’t in a delicate state and that sentence couldn’t send you to your grave. As if those words wouldn’t have your head spinning and your heart raging behind your ribcage. As if him loving you was the most obvious thing.
“Wha– you… I’m surprised. I… love?”
“I’m sorry. Maybe I should have waited for that one. But you did just tell me I’m the dad so… call it even,” he laughed.
“You’re laughing? Harry… this is…” you started to tear up again as you pushed at his chest. He’d waited all this time to admit he was in love with you and somehow it just seemed unfair, “You should have told me. This would have all been so different.”
“And you should have told me, Y/n. I could have been here with you. Could have driven you to every appointment and we could like… talk about everything and… be together. If you even want that.”
He was right of course. If you’d just told him sooner maybe everything would have fallen into place. Maybe it would’ve been easier.
“Well, what do you think?”
“You’re right. I should have told you much sooner. So this is my fault. I’m… I just didn’t expect you to tell me you love me.”
Harry folded his big palm over your hand and pulled your fingers between his, “I tried doing everything I could to make it obvious to you. I’m still wondering what you think about it, though.”
“It’s... I really like you. I haven’t thought about it too deeply, though. I didn’t want to focus on you too much because you were dating that girl and–“
“Forget about her. Took her to one movie. Went out to lunch twice. Not so much as a peck on the cheek. Would’ve flaked on our date had you told me to stay that one day. Remember that?”
You nodded and smiled, “Yeah. I do.”
“So tell me what you think. Just be honest. I can handle it. I’m a big boy, Y/n.”
You forced air through your nose, “Okay. I like you. I think it would be nice to be in a relationship with you and do this together. I’m sorry I lied to you.”
“Don’t worry about that. It’s in the past. So, you wanna be with me?”
You nodded. It all didn’t feel real. Harry was this gorgeous man, the whole package with his shit together while you were a swollen, hormonal, puffy-faced girl who had no idea what she was doing.
“Good. Now, I promise I’ll finish the crib but can I kiss you? Want to kiss you so bad.”
You sputtered out a laughed yes and rolled your eyes but Harry slid his hand to the back of your head and cut off your exasperated laugh with his mouth over yours. And all the apprehension and uncertainty, the disbelief and the worry melted away as his lips smushed against yours.
And as it was, you were already halfway there – to horny. Lately, that’s just how you were; Always at the tip of horny and tired. But when his tongue slipped into the seam of your lips your response was to push your tongue against his and place your fingers through his hair, nudging yourself closer.
You didn’t stop there, though. Your other hand found his thigh and you flexed your fingers over the dense muscle. The memory of the night you slept together came rushing back. His body was solid and broad and no matter where you touched him it lit your fingertips like flint.
He placed his hand over yours and pulled your fingers upward, “Y/n…” he breathed your name as if he needed to hear it spoken out loud again. It was desperate. Starved. The man was starved. You wondered if the last time he had sex was with you. Selfishly you hoped it was. And selfishly you hoped he’d want to fuck you again.
You felt his hand on your jaw and then his thumb press into your cheekbone, “I missed this mouth, Y/n. I need you…”
He drew his mouth down to your neck and you felt him tongue at your pulse point. A shattered moan escaped your throat when he collared one side of your neck with his big palm and continued brushing his lips on the other.
“I need you too, Harry…” The sentence drizzled into the air like a steamy mist. And then his hand was on your breasts. Your very tender and achy breasts, “Oh god!”
Harry parted from your neck, “Are you okay?”
“I’m… god I’m just…” you didn’t want to say it but you needed it. Needed him. Craved him, “Really, really turned on. It’s been like this for a bit. It’s my hormones.”
Harry pushed a laugh through his nostrils, his heavy gaze dropped to your blouse-covered breasts and then back to your eyes, “Hormones? Is there anything I can do to help with that problem?”
His question was cheeky. The edge of his lips flitted upward teasingly and you laughed, “Yeah. I think you can help.”
Harry licked his lips and pressed his nose against yours, “Tell me what I can do. What do you need?”
His breath was humid against your mouth as you reached for him with puckered lips, an attempt to just get back to it but he backed away from you, dimples carving into his cheeks, “Ah ah ah… I asked you what you needed, Y/n. What’s gonna make you feel good?” His fingers trailed down over the fabric on your blouse.
“I want to have sex. You’re the only man who’s ever made me come and I can’t stop thinking about that night.”
“Really? No one else has ever made you come before?”
You shook your head, “No one else.”
A sudden visage of something like pride and plume took over his face, “And you want that again, do you? Want me to make you come, Y/n?”
“Yes.”
Harry’s hands were gentle as he pulled you back into his arms and smeared his mouth over yours until you found yourself lying on your side facing Harry with his hands on your round belly, “This is mine? I did this to you?”
“Yep. Got me knocked up on the first try,” you splayed your hands over his as he brought them down to the stretchy hem of your blouse and bunched at the material to move it out of his way and expose your tummy.
“It’s not cute. I’m sorry,” you watched as your shirt was lifted and Harry was confronted with the sight of skin stretched tight over your belly.
Dragging his fingers over your bump and to your tits he shushed you, “So cute. The cutest. That’s my baby in there. And you’re so sexy like this.”
He sat up to his knees and helped you out of your top, revealing the thick strapped greige maternity bra that fully covered every inch of your breasts. With his eyes on yours, he reached around to your back to unhook the tiny metal clasps until your straps shimmied free.
His lips parted as he peeled the fabric away from your engorged tits, “Oh fuck, baby…” He pawed at them and softly kneaded in his palms over the flesh, “Feels okay? I don’t wanna hurt you.”
“Yes. It feels so good with your hands on me.”
He moaned as his pupils roved every inch of your skin, dipping down to pull his tongue over and around your nipples only stopping to softly suck before his plush lips feathered kisses down your torso and the sides of your belly.
His fingers slid into the waistband of your pants, “Taking these off, all right?” He peered up at you.
Your chest was already heaving as if you were in the middle of being fucked and you nodded, “Okay.”
The nice thing about maternity wear was that it was easy to remove. Harry got you out of your cotton and lycra pants before you had time to feel shy about letting him see the kind of mess you’d made of your panties. Also greige like your bra.
“And clearly we need to get you out of these things too, Y/n,” he tutted as he cupped the meatiest part of your hips with his palms, “Don’t we?”
You giggled and nodded, “I know it’s a mess. I just can’t help it. The doctor said it’s normal to be like this.”
“Poor thing,” he looked down at the wet stain at the front of your panties, “Could’ve been taking such good care of you all this time.”
You felt your panties slip down your hips before cool air hit your wet pussy and you closed your eyes, “Sorry. Haven’t shaved down there or anything since… well…”
Harry’s graveled moan was accompanied by the feel of his hands on the insides of your knees as he pushed you open, “It’s beautiful.”
You opened your eyes to look down at him between your legs and his dark pupils were already on yours, “Really?”
“Really. Everything about you is so…” he smoothed his palms up the insides of your thighs from your knees and then paused, “I forgot. It’s not good for you to be on your back too long. Isn’t that right?”
You laughed and pushed yourself up by your elbows, “Yeah. That’s true. Did you read that somewhere?”
He nodded, “Not ashamed to admit I did in fact read that somewhere. So, would you like me to eat you out? And if so,” he teased his fingertips into your thighs, “What’s most comfortable for you?”
“I mean, yeah I’d like that but… truly unnecessary given the state I’m in.”
“The state you’re in? You mean pregnant?”
You chuckled, “I mean given how horny I am. I’m just saying you don’t need to prep me or anything.”
“Oh, I can see you need no prepping. It’s not so much about that as it is just making you feel good. Get comfy. I’m gonna lick your pussy.”
Another laugh fell from your chest when you heard the front door to your apartment close. Esie was home.
Harry clambered off the bed and shut your door in haste, “Fuck. I didn’t know she was coming back so soon.”
You scooted yourself back into your pillows, “We’ll just keep it quiet. But I do have one request.”
He raised a brow at you as he returned to your bed placing one knee on the pillowtop mattress with his palms down as he awaited your request.
“Can you take your shirt and pants off? I feel really… on display like this while you’re fully dressed.”
Harry grinned and pushed himself back to plant both feet onto the floor as he pulled his shirt off and then worked at his jeans, bringing them down his legs. You didn’t care that Esie was home. You needed to be fucked. You needed Harry. And the more skin and ink he revealed the more your mouth watered.
Just like 8 months before, he was an impressive sight. All tall and lean muscle (but kind of soft in some spots), inky drawings over long, well-thewed arms, and a broad torso with pecs you could bite into.
He climbed back into bed with you, quickly invading your space with the expanse of his body swathing over you like a mantle before he brought his hands to cradle your face and pressed his lips against yours.
He lowered his palms and groped at your tits, a bit rougher this time, but it only elicited a lewd mewl from your throat. Sensitive as they might be, having Harry touch you at all could only be a good thing.
“You like that, do you?” Harry spoke against your lips with a jesting tone.
You responded with a squeaky bleat to the affirmative when you felt him put pressure on your nipple, smushing it just between his thumb and middle finger.
He licked up from your bottom lip and ran his tongue over yours when you felt his fingers reaching for your other nipple.
Two loud knocks on your door startled you both, “Hey I’m home! Just letting you know!”
“Okay, thanks, Esie!” You and Harry quietly laughed as he put his palms on your knees.
“Do you think she was just telling you she was home, or reminding you to keep it down in here because she could hear us?”
You shrugged, “I don’t know. I mean… I doubt she thinks I have a guy in my bed right now. Much less it being you.”
Harry’s grin softened and he resumed from where you left off before Esie interrupted, this time his lips started at your neck. You relaxed back into the pile of pillows as you watched Harry slowly move further away until he was mouthing at your hips and peering up at you.
But then you felt his finger. It was just one but you felt it tickle at your crease. He ran it lightly along the seam of your pussy up and down before finally dredging in, parting your labia, and slicking it through your pussylips, completely wetting his finger.
Harry kissed at your mons and the curve of where your belly began to extend upward before bringing his lips back down closer to your throbbing clit but not quite there.
When he circled his finger at your slick entrance you rocked your hips, needing to feel his finger pushing inside of you. He kissed your skin at the apex of your thigh with a smacking sound and then finally thrust in, reaching through your insides and then pulled back, hooking his finger upward so it bumped into your spongy g-spot.
But the moment you felt his warm mouth kiss your clit and then tongue all around the tender and needy nub you gasped and reached down to put a hand in his hair, “Yess…”
Harry was surprised by how turned on you were. Slippery and puffy and he’d hardly touched you. But he’d read about how some pregnant women can be very horny until the end of the pregnancy. Ever since the day he learned you were pregnant, even though you told him it wasn’t his, he still learned what he could. Everything from how the body changes and what you might be going through and feeling, to nutritional needs, as well as the best sex positions (he was just a man after all). He never knew most of the things he learned and he was glad for it now that he was getting to have you again.
He wished you’d have told him, though. Wished he could have been there for you emotionally and physically… whatever you needed he’d have done it. But god it would have been so sweet to have been able to call you his girlfriend and show you off to everyone then take you home and fuck your horny little pussy every night.
No need to dwell on the past, though. He was absolutely over the moon that you finally told him and that his suspicions were correct. He was ecstatic you wanted to be with him so he’d make the most of it.
And the small squeaks and pants you were making as he fingered and sucked your clit were all good sounds. Hot. You were hot. So fucking sexy. He really loved how needy you were too. As big as your tummy was, you were grinding your hips down over his finger and lifting into him.
He couldn’t see your face from his spot but your fingers in his hair and the quiver of your thigh told him all he needed to know.
“Fuck…” you breathed out, quiet as you could, “Ohhh… shitshitshit!”
Your pussy pulsed and squeezed at his finger as you began to come. You draped your free arm over your mouth to cover up the gasps and hitched breaths as much as you could.
He’d never in his life made anyone come so fast. He had hardly gotten himself warmed up but there you were, shaking and sighing as you orgasmed into his mouth and around his finger.
When you began to close your thighs around his head and roll to your side to escape his mouth he pulled his finger from your pussy and gripped onto your hips to keep you still so you didn’t fling yourself off the bed.
He sat up and looked you over, smoothing his hands over your arms and to your tummy, “That feel good?”
You laughed and nodded, “Umm. Yeah, I’d say that felt good.”
Harry leaned down and peppered kisses to your tummy and pushed you to your side before he tucked himself behind you and pulled your back to his chest where he began to smush wet kisses to your neck, “You came so fast. You’re so sensitive, Y/n.”
“Mmmm…” you closed your eyes and then felt the bulk of his cock pressing into your backside. He was still wearing his boxer briefs. You pushed your ass back against him and heard a lusty moan vibrating over your ear.
You wanted more, unsurprisingly. Every time you masturbated lately it was two or three orgasms per go, which had never been the case before you got pregnant.
Harry rutted into you, his cock solid and aching. He hadn’t had sex with anyone since you and now he was desperate to get his cock wet. Desperate for you. No one else did it for him after you.
“Getting my underwear all wet,” he breathed his words between kisses and rocks of his hips, “You need some more, Y/n?”
Harry’s hands were cradling your tummy and rubbing at your tits as he humped against you and you nodded into your pillows, “I need more. Want you inside of me.”
Music to his ears. “Yeah? Need so much from me, don’t you? Need my baby in your womb, and my cock deep inside at the same time?”
“Fuck… yes I do…”
Harry leveraged himself up by one arm and pulled his underwear down his legs as fast as he could manage. His cock was throbbing and weeping at the tip already. He hoped he didn’t disappoint this time around because he was certain he wasn’t going to last long.
You turned to watch him and reached down behind you to wrap your fingers around his cock as he settled back onto his side. You felt the dribble of precome at his slit and spread it down his cock slowly, “I just wanna make sure… I know we slept together without a condom once but, like… I don’t know if you were sleeping with anyone else or–“
“You’re the last person I slept with. But we can–“
You moaned, cutting off the rest of his statement where he was about to suggest a condom, “Oh good. Just fuck me then.”
Angling his thick cock to your entrance you raised your hip to guide him in and with an easy thrust forward he spread your pussy apart and drove into you languidly. You both moaned in relief. You kept yourself turned to look at him as he entered you until he was pasted against your ass.
When he reared back and pushed in you laid your head down on the pillow. Every inch of him getting stuffed into you was filthy and wet sounding.
Harry kept a slow pace as he buried himself in and pulled back before thrusting into your sloppy wet hole. His balls were already squeezing as he rocked into you, “Pussy feels so good, Y/n. Fuck baby…”
You slid your fingers over your clit and buried your face into the pillow as you moaned his name. He could hear your muffled noises and he leaned back so he could see as he split you apart on his cock.
Everything was wet between your legs as he watched himself slide in and out, his cock coated in your cream already. Sloppy thrust after sloppy wet thrust. He dragged his thumb over the space of your pussy where you were gripping around him as he rolled into you, feeling the way you stretched for him.
You felt the liquidy heat of your orgasm slowly seeping through your nerves and your organs with every slick plunge of his cock. He filled up the space of your pussy just right, every stroke of him through your aching core glided against all your secret little crevices, bumping your g-spot and slithering through to your guts.
You’d done well to keep quiet as quiet as you were. You’d gotten good at quietly coming over the years of having a roommate. But Harry was testing this skill of yours.
“Wrapped around my cock like you needed it, baby. Listen to how creamy you are,” he inhaled sharply through his teeth before continuing to whisper into your ear, “All for me. Gonna make you come as many times as you want. Buy you a house where we can raise our little family together. Fuck all my babies into you…”
Harry didn’t know exactly what he was saying. He was delirious; holding back his orgasm as he felt you trembling around him. He grunted as he continued, “Gonna keep you satisfied, take care of you and our baby. Protect you…”
His words weren’t all that filthy. Not as filthy as they could have been but somehow the talk of raising a family with him and protecting you pushed you off the precipice and over the edge. You bit your lip and your whole body trembled as you hastened your fingers on your clit.
“Shit… holy shit…” Harry breathed out when he felt you coming around him and practically convulsing in his arms. You moaned as quietly as you could but his hips were slapping into your ass as he fucked you through your release.
You’d never come so hard in your life. You were sure it was because you were having actual sex with a man you’d wanted for so long all while your hormones were going haywire. Your pussy pulsed and fluttered, clenching on Harry’s cock as he squeezed his eyes closed and choked out a gasp, gluing his hips to your bum, grinding in and began to pump his come into your cunt.
He thought he could wait until you were done but you kept coming and shaking, your pussy vibrating over him like a siphon trying to milk him. He couldn’t resist, “Fuck!”
His cock throbbed violently inside of your warm channel as he emptied every drop of himself into you, holding you close as he rutted inward, dredging his cock as deep into your pussy as it could go.
He felt your hand reach over his forearm and rub as he opened his eyes and caught his breath. You were sweaty and gorgeous lying on your side all fucked out with your eyes closed and a satisfied smile on your lips. He kissed your cheek and squeezed your bum in his palm.
“I love you, Harry.” You whispered.
You’d said it back, finally. Harry leaned over to see your face, “Say it again?”
Opening your eyes you sighed and turned your head to look up at him, “I love you.”
Harry tilted your chin toward him and kissed your lips softly, “I love you, Y/n.”
It would have been bliss to have just stayed like that in Harry’s arms, with his soft pink lips dragging over your skin all night. Perhaps another round even. But there was the matter of the unfinished crib and your roommate, Esie who was about to find out about you and Harry.
“Promised you I’d finish the crib before I left,” he pecked at your cheek and sat up.
“Why don’t you stay the night?”
“You sure? That means Esie’s gonna know.” He grinned.
“I’m positive. I think it’s about time everyone knows.”
He couldn’t have agreed more.
. . .
Watching Harry holding your baby was like something out of a dream. He was standing, cradling her little head with his big palm and kissing her soft peach fuzz forehead between whispered words you couldn’t hear.
When he finally turned to set his eyes on you the look on his face was unlike anything you’d ever seen from him before. It was awe and love and overwhelm and joy all wrapped up in his eyes.
“I love her so much. And I love you. I can’t even describe–“ he blinked the tears from his eyes as his lip quivered and you reached out toward them.
“Come here. Sit with me.” You beckoned.
Harry sat next to you on the hospital bed and situated the little one into the crook of his arm between you two. You reached up and ran your fingers into his curls, “I love you, Harry. I’m so happy. Both of you make me happier than I’ve ever been. I’m glad we ended up together.”
Harry leaned in, carefully so as not to smush the precious life in his arms, and gave you a chaste kiss, “Me too, Y/n. I can’t believe how perfect she is. How amazing you are. I’m just blown away right now.”
You breathed out a laugh as you both stared down at the life you two had created. A beautiful sleeping bundle and she was all yours. All his. When her little lips stressed open and she let out the tiniest crackle of a yawn your heart felt like it was going to rupture from being so full of love.
“She’s beautiful, Harry. Look at her.”
“I know. I can’t take my eyes off her.”
You were exhausted but flying. Every kind of happy chemical; oxytocin, dopamine, serotonin, and endorphins were all flowing through your veins unencumbered. The labor was a difficult one, though. Harry’s baby was big. She came out at just under 9 lbs and you learned that Harry was a big baby as well. You cursed him a few times but after everything was said and done you couldn’t have been happier.
You fluttered your gaze from the man holding your child to the sweet little thing in his arms over and over. Your little family, all whole and healthy and happy.
“You should get something to eat, Harry. You haven’t eaten.”
He looked at you, those starry green eyes that could melt you right into your bed, “You just want to be alone with her don’t you?”
Shaking your head you laughed, “I mean that’s really not the motivation. I was just thinking about how we’re all healthy and it’s the most wonderful thing. But you haven’t eaten. I haven’t seen you eat anything since before I went into labor. It’s been like a whole day, more than a whole day, Harry. And while I scarfed down my jello and the little protein drink you were holding her and you haven’t left my side so you have to be hungry.”
“I am a little. I don’t want to leave, though. I feel like I have to be here in case anything happens…”
Cupping his cheek you shook your head, “Nothing will happen to us. The cafeteria is still open. You can get something and bring it up here. My mom won’t be back for another hour or so. Just grab a snack even. I need you healthy.”
Harry leaned into your palm and closed his eyes, “Okay.”
He placed your daughter into your arms and kissed your forehead as he gently caressed her cheek, “I’ve got the two most beautiful girls in the world. I’m the luckiest man alive.”
“I think you’re just as emotional as I am right now,” you laughed. “Now. Let me have a minute alone with my daughter while you grab a quick snack.”
“Okay, Mom. You’re the boss.”
You took his hand, “Hurry back, Dad.”
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Pick a Pile: Message from Your Spirit Guides
Disclaimer: tarot readings are not replacements for professional advice. Take what confirms, not confuses. You make your own fate. In this reading I’ll be describing the energy of a guide and what messages this guide has, and extra details! Each row of emojis is a pile.
Help a Palestinian family, even $1 helps!! 5 is close!: 1 2 3 4 5
🕊️ 💸 ☁️
🌞 💌 🌊
🎴 ⚜️🏛️
💦 🦊 ⛲️
🌳 🃏 🌌
👸 📿 🏡
𓆸⋆｡°✩.
Pile 1 🕊️💸☁️
[Ace of Wands, Death, bottom of the deck the Hierophant, three of clubs]
Hello pile one! I would describe your guide with the word divinity? I keep trying to find a good word, and words like angel came to mind but I feel the scope of your spirit guide is larger than what one may first think. Like maybe you hear that word and think of the soft smiling guardian angel image, whereas this energy is more like the holy, intense concept. A larger, driving force. The intensity is emphasized, I'm not sure if sometimes you feel “the essence” of this energy and it’s off putting to you? Or this could be how the energy manifests, like receiving help or guidance that comes as very big changes or intense situations that later give way to blessings. It feels fair, in the way a being with an aerial perspective of human life might be fair, if somewhat separate from the human experience. If your belief includes a concept of God, this energy may be related to that. The three of pentacles is on the top of the deck and again there's the three of clubs; there may be the impression of a larger energy because perhaps there’s multiple energies working together as a collective to help you, including deceased loved ones. There’s a lot of people of religious backgrounds in this pile who have/ had faith in concepts like angels/archangels or The Trinity, and those concepts are relevant here, especially if you only pray to God (or Saints?) and don’t engage with the concept of spirit guides too much. The main takeaway is this is a force of energy, possibly multiple combined, that especially helps you with new opportunities and cycles. They love to see you going through new opportunities and generally bring good tidings to your life and energy, helping you transmute and grow. You are like a flower in bloom to them.
Extra guide details: spiritual, church, late night walks, snowflakes, cactus, in bloom, transmutation, trios. The blue sky is significant, especially in relation to ice, winter, and snowflakes (this is emphasized). Shock, electricity. Bright light flashes. Crackling, popping. Intense, holy.
[Domination, It’s Always Teatime sideways, 9 of cups rx, 4 of pentacles, 10 of wands, who in the world are you?, follow the white rabbit, top/bottom of deck: knight of pentacles rx/ the Chariot]
Everyone always wants a piece of the pie, in detriment, "let go" (“I can’t let go”)
Your guide has a message about forgiveness; there’s past pain or disappointment keeping you very stuck in an unpleasant energy. The 4 of pentacles flipped over while the song I was listening to went “let go, let go.” There’s a sense of someone having wronged you, or possibly a cycle of wrongs between you and another. It’s the energy of someone taking advantage as if you were weaker than them, someone messing with you just because they can. Whether this was once or continuous, it has stewed in your mind, and so energetically you’re stuck in this moment of being wronged. You may unintentionally create feelings of self blame or shame with your hurt. You may ruminate over what made you upset, and your brain may cope with the intense emotion by directing anger towards yourself, but you may not consciously notice, so it continues to stew and get more enmeshed in whatever else you're holding on to. Or, your emotions could be intense on a physical level, and so the constant anger is like poison to your body. Your gut in particular could suffer or you could have issues with adrenaline. What comes to mind is the 8 of swords rx. When you work on releasing this embedded pain, you’ll be able to fly away from this cage. You’ll be able to release some of these wands that the 10 of wands figure is burdened by.
There’s another message about finances. Some of you give far too much to family or others, to where you might not be able to pay your bills or live adequately. And for many, your family is not as grateful as they could be. Your message is telling you to hold on to more of your money to release yourself from some of this unhappiness. Really sitting down and committing to healing, however that looks for you, may also help finances. Some of you may be in a not-so-good job that’s affecting you mentally, but you’re too drained to look for something better. Healing will rejuvenate some energy & enthusiasm to improve your situation. Therapy and meditation come to mind. You’ve been stuck in this pain long enough that you might’ve forgotten some parts of yourself, which is where meditation may be helpful for rediscovery. As you heal, opportunities can increase “exponentially,” I feel. It’s like you just need to detach from this energy enough and then I’m seeing you follow a thread that’ll take you all over the place to all kinds of opportunities. I see a turtle coming out of hibernation, slow with all the earth that’s caked up on it for the last few months coming off. That’s you coming out of this, and this guide is here to help you heal and transmute the hurt. This guide especially helps with your root, sacral, solar, and heart energies, with the heart being the most concern right now. Despite the darkness, I see and feel the excitement and curiosity that will be in your energy as you work through some of these attachments (attachments from pain, trauma, rumination, exploitation, physical trauma too I hear). This guide has so much love for you! And there’s pride as well. Good job and good luck pile one, you can do it!
Extra Details: trees blooming outside apartment, Christianity, works in shipping/ fulfillment, PS2/ old video games with chunky graphics (esp with ninja or samurai characters), Final Fantasy (especially XVI, or XIV?), 3, 303, 333, angels, sitting in a dark room (especially with the light on in the hallway. If you do this to brood maybe you could turn this into meditation), lights/electricity/water cutting off (there’s a theme of being in the dark while upset, you might need better lighting in your home!), collective/ co-op/ compound, feeling like you’re in the wrong environment (literally the climate where you live may not be compatible with you but could also refer to a social environment like work. Astrocartography may help), pie, boxes, purple thread/yarn, string of fate, purple yam, pouting when you cry or when angry. Mars in Libra, Taurus, Sagittarius, or knowing someone with this placement. If you have Mars in Libra or Taurus, that may be where the struggle in asserting boundaries is coming from, there’s a need to be more protective of yourself and body or health). Scorpio energy is significant, may be in profection year of your house in Scorpio, or it maybe a prominent sign in the Solar Return (or an SR in the last 3 years). Eye of Providence. Bright colored eyes. Angel- NewDad, Let Go- NewDad, Becky- Be Your Own Pet, Washing Machine Heart- Mitski, Cane Shuga- Glass Animals
Thank you for reading!—Tip Link | Paid Reading Info in Pinned Post (in-depth spirit guide readings available!)
𓆸⋆｡°✩.
Pile 2 🌞💌🌊
[Seven of Swords rx, Death, top/bottom of deck: princess of swords rx/ princess of pentacles rx, Protection]
Hi pile two! Your guide is very eager to come through with your message; I was picking up your energy way before I started your reading. For everyone this relationship is different, but the energy seems to be a loved one who passed at infancy or before childbirth. For some, there may have been a twin absorbed in the womb or something similar? Otherwise this is just a relationship you have to an infant, including from your family or close circle, even cousins. This could also be up to toddler age as for some maybe you had a friend in infancy this applies to. This guide has a very young, playful, loving, and fun-loving energy, and “kind” I hear. They like to flit or hang around your energy lol, if you’re sensitive you may notice them around as it’s like a child having fun around you. If you have a deceased pet (especially a medium or big dog with white & brown fur?) they may like to come around with the pet and this amplifies the energy. I’m not getting much about what specifically this guide helps with, but I think them being in your energy helps lighten it, or they may just like to be with you because they love you. For some of you if you had sudden lightbulb moments where you saw through or realized the truth about something, this guide sometimes helps you have those moments, they help you realize things for what they are, both in life and your relationships.
Specific Message for Some [!!TW!! Abortion, Miscarriage]: Some of you had an abortion, miscarriage, loss of a child, I also feel this applies to some of you that absorbed a twin in the womb—you’re not being kind to yourself, like you have a bitterness towards yourself after this event. This guide just wants you to know there’s no shame, hate, bitterness, anything like that from their end. They have lots of love and support for you, and you don’t need to carry a burden over what fate led to, or what has already come to pass. Especially if some of you blame yourself because of a physical activity you did before it happened? They want you to release these emotions and heal how you can. Also, some are not grieving this in particular but you started having a hard time for other reasons after this event, and it’s been depressing you. They are wanting you to face these factors “head-on” so you can heal and recuperate, especially if you need to physically recover from something but you’re having a hard time with other things going on.
Extra guide details: feeling warm, loss/death, fate, angels, small angel figurine, cherubim, Cupid, hearts, Valentine’s Day or similar imagery, church, natural disaster (especially hurricanes, tsunamis, earthquakes; these may be symbolic), excitement, childlike wonder and innocence, purity, twins, Gemini energy, Aries energy, toy blocks, popping/ patting/ banging/ thumping noises (especially a cover, grate, or vent? I see this guide running down your hall banging the wall and giggling), smelling something clean or good, soft hair, ribbons, stuffed animal (bunny)
[Becoming Braver rx, Such a Curious Dream rx, Seduction, Fehu, Nine of Cups, The Empress rx, Paths, Stork, Dog]
Your message is about letting yourself be vulnerable. You may force yourselves to be strong and it’s hard to undo the persona. To the point where defenses are indiscriminate; you may have times where you avoid good things to protect yourself but let toxicity into your life because you were blinded by something. Your guide is wanting you to relax when new opportunities come and learn when to lower walls. There’s a huge message about travel, you may have the opportunity to travel soon (especially with a friend or love interest), or maybe you’ve been avoiding a needed getaway, especially because of transportation? This is a good opportunity to let loose and clear your energy, and if you do have some issue with transportation, your guide wants you to resolve it if you’ve been avoiding it on purpose. This guide values freedom, and you being limited in yours by solvable issues frustrates them. You’re also limited by your disbelief that good things can happen to you when there’s already opportunities to experience good things, and they want you to challenge that perspective. This guide is all about taking things head on like a little warrior lol, Aries energy.
If you do have a new relationship (including platonic) or love interest, there’s a message about lightening up and letting yourself enjoy the fun parts of the beginning stages. That’s a theme across your whole message, to enjoy new beginnings, and not be afraid of nurturing or forging healthy relationships. This may help you get out the stagnant energy following you, especially if it’s coming from other people. Discernment is required when putting your walls up, otherwise your defenses are stretched thin and padded too much in the wrong areas. It’s like your defenses became a way to deny yourself happiness, the right to be vulnerable & soft. Your guide wants you to address this, to engage in the passionate parts of life, to break this cycle and start a new, better one. Again, in particular, they are encouraging fun in your social life & traveling. Also, if you have a choice of putting energy into unfulfilling relationships or mending better ones, take steps to mend real friendships.
Extra Details: moths, butterflies, & “bugs in your lawn” are significant—especially tiny moths or red butterflies, also crickets? A playdate or playroom like you might see in a preschool, nursery, or the corner of an office. 404/44/444, the Sun (I see a Sun painted in a spiral), also the Sun in tarot/ oracle, stiffness, left eye/ jaw/ face pain? Melanie Martinez, bright blonde hair or bright-colored eyes, smelling a baby or holding one up to your face (a memory?), crystals, crystal angel figurine, congenital or genetic, video games, watching old media or memories, VHS, needing more nutritious food especially if you crave ice or non-edible things, paying attention to your body on a day to day basis, allowing yourself to be more creative—esp with your self-expression like clothes or makeup, letting yourself be excited out loud. Building your faith or ability to believe again, especially believing things can be ok. New chemistry or passion with someone, challenging a lack mindset, luck, predestiny, leaves on the vine
If you already felt drawn to pile one it may resonate, this guide may be related to the energy described, or they could be referencing another guide you have
Thank you for reading!—Tip Link | Paid Reading Info in Pinned Post (in-depth spirit guide readings available!)
𓆸⋆｡°✩.
Pile 3 🎴⚜️🏛️
[7 of clubs, 4 of diamonds, 10 of diamonds, top of deck: Queen of Hearts]
Hello pile three! For many of you this is a past life connection, or an ancestor (especially maternal). Or both, most guides in this pile lived a while ago, some more like in the 1800s, but for some it’s back to the 1400s, and for some even farther. There’s some kind of familiarity, responsibility, or bond—like fate, or the family tree and such things that have far-reaching effects. I picked up a mysterious vibe and not as much about them specifically. The energy reminds me of Morticia Adams a bit lol but there’s masculine energy here too for some. The masculine energy feels a bit more aloof/stern or self-assured, an Aries-like confidence, whereas the feminine energy is a little more playful or like a black cat in comparison (so take that as it fits if you’re familiar with either energies). Actually, before I finished writing this section, I noticed the King of Hearts is under the Queen of Hearts, so both a feminine & masculine guide with past lives/ancestry ties, or a relation to each other—they could be a pair, could be in your energy. This guide (or guides) likes to be around you sometimes when you’re doing things you like, especially your nerdy or geeky interests. If you have a garden, or take walks in nature or near flowers, they also like to use these flowers as signs, or be with you in those moments. They support you when you’re doing those things you like, especially what you do for money or hobbies, as many have family that don’t support you or are pressuring you down a specific path, especially medical or something lucrative. They are around to encourage you and instill confidence in your own decisions; they are on your side. This guide helps you with general success, stability, and good luck, particularly in the material world. They do things on their end to ensure success in your endeavors, to show you things will be okay and you’re taken care of when you put effort in. They are big on success, confidence, financial increase or independence. If there’s something about a document, form, ticket, certificate, or similar that’s significant right now, I’m not sure why but your guide is bringing attention to it, and it seems like things will turn out well with these diamond cards. This could also be something magical in paper form, like a charm or spell you did.
There are more spiritual people in this pile who practice tarot, magic, manifestation, etc. This guide especially helps the energies from these along on their end and helps bring success to your practice, this is really emphasized; the word “magic” is emphasized as well. This is particularly true if you do spells or manifestations using paper or physical methods. This guide cares about you and wants to see you succeed in your efforts!
Extra Guide Details: red roses (especially seeing one bloom or in full bloom), romantic songs (slow or sad ones), camcorder/ old camera, grainy photos or videos, VHS, long black clothing, long &/or wavy dark hair, magnetic, alluring, mysterious, black, red, dark red, dark purple, fleur de lis, wallpaper, “darker” styles, crows, large and/or weeping trees. Kintsugi (may be significant to your healing which this guide may help or bring attention to. The episode of Bojack “Good Damage” is significant for someone because that came out super specifically), boost/surge of confidence, patience in your readings or other efforts, gusts of wind or other signs in nature, windfalls of good luck or abundant finances, magic, maternal, ancestry, old, pale
[Vision, Discrimination, Restlessness, 8 of diamonds, 2 of hearts, 6 of clubs, 9 of spades, 8 of spades]
I see a Fleur de Lis again in the symbols on your cards, so that could really be significant! Off the top what I get is you have a growing idea, especially a vision for your life or something you want to do. This is mostly a plan or not even that, a dream. Your head may be up in the clouds; your guides are wanting you to ground. There’s a growing agitation in you as this dream or desire for something different fills your mind, and being ungrounded is exacerbating this. These guides are all about putting action in, so they want you to more closely guard your mind against that which detaches you from reality or the present too much. If you are spiritual they especially want you to use discernment in your practice at this time and don’t indulge in spiritual things that unsettle your mind or make you confused too much. You’re needing a practical and detail-oriented energy like Virgo so you can organize this beautiful dream!
Many of you are in the midst of a long-coming choice, especially about work or education. For example, reaching the end stage of studies/ training and deciding on the next path. One choice you feel negatively about or you’re being pushed into. Another choice you like but are pressured against doing, or also feel negatively about because of some fear, like financial stability. This could represent a current job or major if you’re wanting to leave. Serious reflection is needed! This thing you hate may be a major investment. You may feel like picking this because it seems stable, but you may not be considering burn out (which is tough on your body) or emotional pain if you force yourself. It’s not a better financial choice if you’re not able to see through your investment. With the thing you like, you have talent or interest, but maybe because it doesn’t seem stable or you’re not sure how it would work, you haven’t put in a lot of practical planning. This could also refer to wanting to make moves with a partner. This is exacerbating those restless feelings, as you get more pressured and don’t have a plan for the choice you like. Your guides need you to put that discernment and practicality into this decision process. Really think about what you’re willing to do, capable of doing, and what first steps will look like. Be realistic—not pessimistic about finances so you have a real idea of the effort needed to create success. Especially be realistic about emotions; don’t get clouded by fantasies, examine patterns and choices. Your guides are here to help you with success, but they can only do their part on their end. Factor in things like burn out and any negativity you have surrounding these choices, reflect, weigh pros & cons, because that ultimately will impact the effects of this decision months down the line. Be mindful of your environment exacerbating fear and confusion as those things detach you from reality, especially your family & work environment. Consider if you will like the environment you’re going to, as picking a place you don’t feel comfortable in will take a toll. This also applies if your current work environment is really stressing you out. This is the other side of the financial aspect to consider, if you will be able to reap any benefits in an environment that's discouraging, or if you can find a healthy way to approach that at all. Overall, channel restless energy into practical thinking! Merge your inner child & dreamer with the mature self. Ask your guides for help creating success in whatever you do!
Extra Details: reading cards/cartomancy—some of you scrap readings abruptly when you struggle (or other hobbies). This guide helps with this sometimes, especially if words or thoughts come to mind until you get the right one, as if your guide reads with you. This guide is particular (Virgo energy, you or them), and doesn’t want you to quit too easily. If you read cards (esp if you only read tarot) your guide may encourage you to expand such as trying a new form of card reading (again this may fit another hobby). Diane, Mr Peanut Butter, or Penny from Bojack, E. Asia, Japan, coastal area or island (can also be family history, an interest), Greece, things that creep out or sadden others but are significant or interesting to you, Peppermint- Jack Stauber. “Find a penny, pick it up, all day long you’ll have good luck!” Cloves, picking somewhere to move, esp to a city/ university/ near the ocean, inner child, fruit, childhood home/town, playing house as a kid, writing/songwriting, singing (“he never said I couldnt sIiiiIng”), singing as a child in a group or specific place, passed down songs, sketching fruit, interests from childhood, cartoons, codename: KND, Chowder (show), eye dr, surgeon, exam, paying for certification
For clair-people: if you ever feel a guide going NOO >:( especially if it feels disproportionate to the situation or while you’re doing your spiritual practice— I think that’s the masculine guide I described lol. They may be a bit jarring to your energy but they don’t mean you poorly, they just have something like a dry sense of humor and don’t adjust their tone lol but you can always set boundaries if you want
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Pile 4 💦🦊⛲️
[I Wonder What Will Happen Next, princess of swords, six of swords]
Hello pile #4! For many of you this guide seems to be a past life connection and/or relative. There’s a child-like joy, so you could’ve known this guide in your youth in a past life (or this one?), and/or they could have died young. Or, they are just connected to this side of themselves, as there’s also wisdom + older energies mixed in there for some.
This guide has a major affinity to water, in their lifetime(s) the coast or water in general was significant to them. They like and encourage you to spend time with water. At first I saw a beach with no one else around (this could be their past life or your current one), but then I got something about you going to a water park, so even though this guide prefers peace & quiet, they love water and you having fun or embracing your inner child more lol. This guide is related to the home, as well as quiet outings in nature—especially in the Summer. They are very related to your recuperation in these spaces; they’re big on the effect your surroundings create on the mind. They enjoy when you do comfy or rejuvenating activities in the home, like baking cookies because they keep excitedly showing me these fresh hot cookies lol. Their focus is on you using these times well to have the “wherewithal” to go forward in the world, especially if your life has been more about rest or “focus” recently? They want you to take resting or relaxing seriously as your foundation. They also encourage you to recuperate your thoughts + organize your mind during these times, so that you’re clear-headed going forward and know what is true. Your guide came in with the word “quiet” which I see but it’s funny because when this energy wants to say something I feel they say it really loud and pointedly lol. Like they ARE quiet or you may notice a stillness when they’re around? But, when they’re excited they energetically shout like a happy child. Another thing about the guides in this pile is many seem to have lived possibly a few hundred or more years ago, because they use somewhat archaic or very specific language. They have an affinity or relation to older architecture and a time when there was less human impact everywhere. You may notice a pull towards things related to them or that they like, especially water and coastal areas, older architecture, older media (even songs from a few decades ago), calm environments, or a pull to take walks in nature (especially the woods). For many, either you or this guide has a significant relation to Britain.
Extra Guide Details: quiet, the ocean—especially a beach with little to no human activity, relaxing at home, egrets/herons or other waterfowl, cookies (very significant), homely (cozy), rushing water, sailing or travel over water, trust/truth, alone in nature, past life connections, water park, nostalgia/ older media, church or a place of spiritual beauty (the emphasis is on the physical building and how it affects one’s mind rather than religion itself, though if you are religious they encourage you in your faith), baptisms or initiations (extra significant; this period of your life may be an initiation into the next especially in spirituality.
[Find the Lesson, Extremism, Resistance, 9 of pentacles, the High Priestess, Eihwaz]
This guide wants you to incorporate a lesson into your life you’ve been resisting. There’s something you or someone with a strong relation to you is struggling to accept, and it’s getting to the point where your/their behavior or mentality is getting more unstable as this is resisted. This could be something like refusing to accept a love situation is over or didn’t have a chance, and instead getting more aggressive or obsessive about love. It seems strong emotion is involved, but it doesn’t have to be love, just any situation that’s tough to swallow or has resulted in “acting out.” Take a higher perspective, and take time to appreciate the learning aspect of this experience, as there’s a lot of growth it could provide. Introspection, deep reflection, prayer, or spiritual practice with the intent of clarity & understanding are encouraged. If this is someone close, your guides still want you to learn something, such as boundaries or paying more attention to who’s unstable towards you + protecting your energy. There’s a point about raising stability & independence, and communicating what needs to be said without going overboard or blowing up. You seem to already know this with the high priestess. You’re aware of this needing your attention or “cooperation." Or, you’re aware of a lesson on some level, but your guides want you to act accordingly and not just look the other way lol.
Once you “maintain” or integrate this lesson, it’ll be easier to move into a financial blessing or material success, especially if you’re planning something but feel overwhelmed or lack the resources. I’m not sure why the word maintain came to mind, maybe this is a continuous lesson but you backpedal, such as setting boundaries but making concessions on them. If so, your guide wants you to maintain the lesson learned. Maybe that’s also why the word cooperation came to mind; your guides want you to cooperate with them on moving forward. Also, if one of the things you’re “yearning” for is increased spiritual awareness or ability, then this guide is saying that resolving this situation and accepting it is what’ll bring you closer to your spirituality. Especially if you’ve been going overboard with spiritual things to the point where it’s affecting your mental health. Overall, your guides stress balance, discipline, and willpower.
Extra Details: a very large building with older architecture and a central courtyard between the buildings, like a university or a very old church? Needing to communicate something (like an important conversation you’re preparing for or putting off) (this guide is helping with this). A recent breakup/rejection or putting off a breakup (don’t force this to fit, whoever this applies to already knows. Could also be a platonic breakup or familial separation). Edinburgh. Yoga. Ancestors (again for some of you this could be a relative). “Cosmic phenomenon” (the sky, seeing something in the sky, or things happening in the night sky? As well as the movement of things through space such as astrology/astronomy). Animals, particularly those that accompany you when in nature; they could be related to your guide. Especially a red fox in the woods? Sail Away- The Long Faces. The guides in this pile were very lovely energy to interact with n_n. Also if you read any cards, when this guide is around you may notice an urge to read without reversals. Pile 6 may be significant if you were already drawn to it.
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Pile 5 🌳🃏🌌
[2 of cups rx, 3 of wands, 10 of swords, King of Swords, 3 of wands rx, the hierophant, bottom of a different deck is also the hierophant]
Hello pile 5! Your guide didn't come through with much about themselves except that it’s a feminine energy. They’re focused on you/ don’t need to describe themselves specifically at this time. Instead, your cards tell your guide’s relationship to you. This guide is like a personal teacher or shows you how to cut through lessons. This guide’s presence and influence is most felt or seen in emotional lessons, as their energy provides much needed balance. When you’re going through an emotional situation— especially from a “failing?” or ending relationship—this guide helps incorporate logic & mental fortitude into your thoughts. It’s interesting that there’s the three of wands twice from different decks, causing the figures in the cards to mirror each other. While you are trying to heal emotionally and facing the future, this guide is also doing work on the other side, looking into and guiding you in the future. Imagine walking down a path in the forest, and there’s someone extremely tall with you who can see far ahead on the path, see the obstacles that need to be cleared, as well as which paths are least treacherous, it’s like that. In this second three of wands, a female figure towers over a town, holding a little ship and looking out into the sea; that represents how your guide looks out for you. Your guide has much to teach you, they bring wisdom and help you find the lesson in endings and trials you go through. They’re like a school teacher with a much more personal sense of responsibility, guidance, and protection over you. The energy reminds me of an ancestor, though that’s just for some, but the sense of responsibility is similar at least. It could even be a passed on parent/guardian, grandma, great grandma etc. If a situation is not helping you grow, if something holds you back or blinds you, this guide may “cut to the chase” and intervene. The hierophant also came out twice. This guide is very “I said what I said,” like when someone is authentic nothing they do needs further explanation, it is what it is. Similar to how an adult may do something for our own good growing up, and we don’t understand their perspective until later. They may work with a higher energy or group to guide you. If you have faith or worship-based practices, that may be significant to this guide or the energy they use to help you.
Extra Guide Details: the energy didn’t bring forward many details, and ones that did come out are ultra specific. This guide is very wise and a little on the serious or quiet side, but kind with vast knowledge. Maybe even having ancient knowledge, for some. If you work with herbs for your spirituality, especially for spiritual insight or travel, that’s significant to this guide and they may be especially present then—though they help bring you some of that insight even if you don’t do that. Your guide gives off a primordial, vast, ancient, or powerful feeling; not necessarily that old but their breadth of wisdom makes them feel that way. “Big bang” & “solar flare” came out so those may be significant, though I feel they also symbolically describe the energy of your guide. They have had many experiences or lessons, and are now able to impart what they know on you. They have gone through similar things to what you have if not the same in their time, so that’s part of why they’re able to help. If this guide is not an ancestor, and it’s not for some, then they may work or interact with yours.
[4 of diamonds, 7 of spades, 6 of hearts, 8 of hearts, ace of spades, Jack of hearts, A Moment’s Regret]
Your guide has a past, present, future message. In the past, this pile was enjoying relative stability. There were feelings you felt very secure in, literally somehow your material security may have been significant. Examples are (but not only) a friend group or going out with friends a lot, a serious relationship including engagements/ marriage, a relationship with shared finances, relative stability and contentment with those around you or in the family, positive financial investing/planning. Something happened that pulled the rug out from under your feet. A loss or sudden perspective shift of what you had emotionally, and this could have suddenly impacted your finances or sense of security. For some of you, there could have been some kind of legal proceedings or official documents you had to go through because of this situation, which added difficulty to an already shocking time. You had something fulfilling or at least something normal and then some kind of grief took over, a huge ending that feels sudden. Some of you felt something was off but didn’t engage with that feeling as things seemed okay. Your guide’s message of the future, which I think is very fitting considering I talked of them looking out onto your path, is that it all depends on your choice. In your future I see opportunities for emotional healing or intimacy, but the growth you take from this situation depends on you. This is especially true if this has to do with other people like an ex; what your emotions look like going forward will depend on if you’re willing to invest in something new and truly stable (yourself) as opposed to things that only seem nice but cannot hold against the test of time. Regardless, your future may have some healing connections in it with friends, family, or others; there may be opportunities to grow something real if you’re willing to rebuild that vulnerability and inner stability. If you commit to your own emotions and apply wisdom even when you’re going through this dark change, the light at the end of the tunnel is very bright and will give way to better things “no matter what,” but life is still what you make of it.
As the final advice, “a moment’s regret” reiterates what I said. In the future, you may be faced with the “test” of the lesson. There may be a situation to see what you have learned and if you’re sticking to your guns emotionally, to see if you are committed to bettering yourself. Your guide says don’t “fiddle around” (lol), thinking that you’ve done the wrong thing, trying to think about if things were different, if you could go back, if you gave something bad another try, if if if. Stay present and look at the facts. If you’re committed to yourself and not sacrificing yourself for others, or sacrificing your wellbeing for a moment’s pleasure, then you can guide yourself to a better situation always. This is especially for you if you have a situation with an ex or an emotional vice/crutch. Good luck & good job pile 5, you can do it!
Extra Details: mugwort, astral or spiritual travel/flight, great grandmothers or grandmothers, ancestral line, grieving a loss, 111, divorce, thinking of someone’s health, social drinking or overdoing it (and healing from this). If you read cards your guide really emphasized “shuffle better” 😭 if you don’t already shuffle a lot lol. Gambling, recovering from an addiction or vice (I hear “social addiction”)? Long term relationship suddenly ended. Don’t look at the past with rose-tinted glasses. E/ SE Asia; [not only] Vietnam, Japan, China (especially if there’s ancestry or a family member served there). If none of this reading resonated or makes you worried because this is not you right now then this is not the right pile for you and another pile is more appropriate, especially if you felt drawn to 3. If you did resonate with this, and you already felt drawn to pile 1 or 6, that may be significant. If you work with your guides directly I feel this guide may be one that says what they have to say and then leaves like they have things to do, and while you may feel them around a lot they don’t necessarily “linger” or stay outside of a specific moment.
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Pile 6 👸📿🏡
[the Empress, two of cups, Status]
Hello pile 6! Your guide has very strong feminine energy and is likely a close relative in your family tree, even one you knew in your lifetime. This could mainly be a mother or grandmother as there’s a very strong maternal bond or feeling. It could also be other close feminine loved ones like a sister (especially twin sister), wife, aunt, cousin, even a really close best friend. It’s possible for them to be farther along in your lineage but for most this guide has a direct relationship to you. The work they put into their lifetime may have had a direct effect on yours, like your family’s current financial status, house, or belongings may be tied to this individual, others who live in your home, or others you have a close relationship to. There’s a close connection and need to guide you, like it's a continuation of their life or natural for them. If you knew each other while they were alive, you possibly had an intertwined but complicated relationship, things left unresolved. If this resonates to someone specific in your life or family, and that person’s partner also passed (a passed mother + father, grandmother grandfather etc), they collaborate with them to help you. They also guide the people around you in a way that helps, especially family. This guide is either important spiritually or important to YOU spiritually which would make sense if this is a loved one; I feel this is one of your main guides or the guidance they give you carries a lot of spiritual weight (guiding you may be important for them in their journey also). I got a very specific message for someone that if you have a connection to a female deity/ entity (especially if you have a maternal view of them or view them as more of a mother than your own?) and you became a part of her following, this could represent her. For very few of you this could even represent a living relative whom you have a very close connection to; they may somehow help you on an astral or some other level, especially if they pray a lot. If this pile doesn’t resonate even a little, another pile is a better option!
Extra Guide Details: praying & chanting out loud or reciting mantras especially in a temple, prayer beads, kneeling or bowing during prayer or ceremony, video games (literal games or the song), cactus (you may have had a prickly relationship with this guide, or this could be otherwise significant or symbolic), family (if you are not related to this guide I feel you still know their family), uncles are significant. Spiritual protector. Mirroring. Spiritual Elder or mentor, "spiritual ancestor" (someone who is not necessarily blood related but somehow elder to you in your belief, or an ancestor who was very spiritual/religious). Folk or indigenous practices
[King of Diamonds, 9 of diamonds, 9 of spades, 7 of diamonds, Jack of hearts, ace of hearts, ace of spades, King of clubs]
Your guide is bringing attention to some upheaval in your life. Something is in the process of changing or has already changed in your family or home. Some of you may have experienced a loss (especially a younger person in the family), and/or there may have been a transformation of finances. Examples include receiving money suddenly but having to spend it, a change in career, inheritance, etc. This could also apply to someone close to you or in your home, especially if you did recently have a loss then I think you’ll be observing the effects of this on someone, especially a male relative. There could be a family gathering related to this. This change of people or finances could have seemed coincidental or the timing could have been very specific but I’m not sure how; someone could have felt it coming. The cards show that though tumultuous, change has its allotted time in our life.
Fate is a culmination of time, but also our own efforts. This change brings beginnings to you or your loved one’s lives, and a chance to transform both pain and good things. If there is anything you feel passionate about at this time or would like to invest into, now is a very good time to think of or work towards that. Especially if you are grieving something, using that grief to propel you to new phases will help you grow. Other people around you (including bosses) or your family could be helpful at this time, or you to them. We can’t always choose endings, but we can often choose beginnings. Allow yourself to be transformed by that which happens to you, and in turn, see the changes in the transformations you create.
Extra Details: living in a city/fast-paced life (current or dreaming of it), somewhere that feels like a fairytale, travel over water or a home near water, castles, emotionally or financially investing, taking a leap of faith or risk. Spiritual hygiene, protection, and grounding are important if you feel vulnerable right now—your mental state influences your spiritual perception. If you feel overwhelmed feel free to take a break from spiritual practice or routines. Cleansing the home may help a lot. Your guide helps protect you but wants you to keep yourself grounded as well. New jobs or developments in jobs like a bonus or check. Financial decisions related to events out of one’s control. Fluctuations in finances. Cooking/ cooking with family. Happenstance, coincidental, or seemingly fated events. New beginnings (including meeting someone interesting or helpful) that may bring financial or emotional blessings but there’s a need to keep a level head and be reflective. Going where you’re appreciated, physical changes in the home. New business idea or passion. Divination practices (this may be one thing to take a break from if you feel overwhelmed). Reaping what was sown, harvest time. Something about being bullied or for some of you maybe your guide was bullied in life? If that resonates I especially feel this is a time for you to reap blessings but also to seek them. Making the most of something, blessings whose effect depends on your effort & perspective. Emotionally protecting oneself, using logic about things which emotionally rile you (like love interests or sudden whims). You guys are most likely to have another significant pile if you felt called to another one.
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it's where I belong
Summary: Rancher Boy!Javier Peña’s queer awakening
Tags: bisexual Javier Peña (although his identity is not explicitly stated); the bartender ships it; javier peña x OMC
Words: 1,937
Note: Title (and general inspo for this installment) is taken from the song Pink Pony Club by Chappell Roan. You don't have to read the rest of Rancher Boys for this to make sense, but you should bc it's great 😌 Happy pride :)
Masterlist
Once, Javier Peña walked into a bar in June.
It wasn’t that kind of bar. Or at least, he hadn’t thought it was. But looking around, he noticed a lot of people who seemed…sparkly, somehow. And affectionate. And there, on the back wall by the pool tables, hung a large, rainbow-striped flag, fluttering over the bricks.
“Can I get you anything?” A bartender appeared in his line of sight.
Javier tore his gaze from the flag.
“Whiskey, on the rocks.”
The bartender adjusted her cutoff flannel while the card machine booted up. It was tied beneath her chest, and the edges of a tattoo snaked along her ribs, the finer details blending into skin darker than Javi’s.
As Javi took out his card, he started, “Is this a…a bar for…”
Lord only knew what he thought he was trying to say. Thankfully, the bartender took pity on him. “A gay bar?”
“…Yeah.”
“Not explicitly. ‘We’re friendly to all’,” the woman quoted pointedly. She pushed a coaster toward him with that very declaration stamped beneath a depiction of a familiar sign. Friendly’s, read the green neon loops- the same as the ones above the door he’d entered through.
Ah.
“We just like to make sure everyone knows.” Her head tilted. “Is that a problem?”
“No,” Javier said.
After a beat, the bartender relaxed. “There’s not usually this much rainbow stuff in here. But we always go big for pride month.”
“Pride month?” Belatedly, Javi recalled the rainbow logos and merchandise that he’d noticed appearing over the past few days. Because it was…June? “Oh.”
The bartender had stepped back to dry some clean glasses. Now she smiled slightly, turning to face him. “You new in town?”
From a booth near the pool table, several voices rose in chorus with a soulful pop song playing from the speakers. Five sets of masculine shoulders swayed; they exhibited not a shred of self-consciousness. The bartender sent them a fond look.
“Temporarily. I’m here for a few weeks on business, with my pa.” Javi sipped his whiskey, the burn a warm, familiar comfort.
“Workin’ hard, then,” she deadpanned.
Before Javier could reply, her face softened, all her attention diverted to a second woman that had appeared beside him, leaning over the bar. Her black sequined top let out a spill of cleavage that Javi quickly averted his gaze from.
“Hola, mi amor,” the second woman cooed.
“Hola, nena.” The bartender set down her work and met the woman over the bar top with a lingering kiss.
“Puedo tomar una bebida? Tengo mucho sed,” the woman purred. Can I have a drink? I’m so thirsty. But it wasn’t any of the bottles behind the bar that claimed her attention. Her eyes danced up and down the bartender’s body, gleaming.
She angled Javi a sharp, appraising glance. Javi met her gaze, then deliberately looked away, sipping his drink. Satisfied, she sat back on her stool.
The bartender, after extracting another kiss from the woman, brought her a glass of something clear and full of ice, and Javier listened to them talk. About their days, about their friend’s new cat, about what to have for dinner tomorrow. They sounded like every other couple Javier had ever known. They could have been Steve and Connie, if Steve and Connie knew anyone who would adopt a hairless cat or complained about gringos clogging up their favorite taco place.
Two of the men in the booth embraced when the song they’d been singing ended. One of their friends threw a fry at them, dramatically lamenting his own singlehood. Javi looked down and swirled the ice cube remaining in his glass, feeling simultaneously alone and strangely reluctant to leave.
The bartender reappeared in front of him. “Another whiskey?”
Clearing his throat, Javier straightened. “No, I shouldn’t. Thank you.” He made to stand and don his sunglasses
“Come back anytime. A lot of nice people come in this time of year.”
Javi gave a nod to her and then to her partner. The woman smiled in return, and Javier left the rainbow flags rippling behind him.
—
Twice, Javier Peña walked into a bar in June.
It wasn’t that kind of bar, but you wouldn’t know it looking around. The place was full of bubbly, happy people of every appearance on the gender spectrum, and some off the spectrum besides. Rainbow was too limited of a word to describe the variety of colors on flags.
All the same, it felt…relaxed. Homey. Pool balls cracked from a trio of tables. Too-big groups squashed into booths, giggling over knocked elbows and pressed-together thighs. Dancing broke out sporadically, the odd couple swaying alone or groups unable to resist the combination of the music playing and the contents of their glasses.
“Oye, whiskey boy!” The bartender Javi had met before popped up behind the counter in front of him. “Nice to see you again. The same on the rocks?”
Tonight she could have been mistaken for a college bartender, in a t-shirt snipped and tied to within an inch of its life. Glitter streaked her long black braids. Javier couldn’t help but wonder if her more feminine partner had had a hand in either statement. Tonight the bartender’s eyes were wide and bright, as if absorbing the energy in the bar and reflecting it back.
“Just a beer, thanks.”
Javi found a stool near the end of the bar, bottle in hand. He didn’t really have a plan of any kind. He could, technically, take someone back to his hotel room, but he didn’t relish the thought of his [pops] potentially seeing them leave tomorrow morning. He wasn’t in the market to make friends. His usual play was to nurse a few drinks while people-watching alone, but somehow that felt…wrong, here.
Or maybe it was Javier who was wrong. This place sure felt like a gay bar tonight, and he didn’t really have a place in one of those. Everyone else seemed to have friends and lovers and grins on their faces. What was he doing here, besides bringing the mood down with his brooding?
“You’re looking at that bottle like it’s about to break your heart.”
Javier looked up (and up, and up) at a man with desert-blond hair sticking out from under a Texas A&M ballcap. He was good-looking, Javi supposed, and dressed pretty normally if you didn’t count the sinfully tight fit of his shirt. He might have been one of few people in the bar besides Javi himself who didn’t have rhinestones somewhere on their person. Fine lines were just visible at the corners of his eyes, so it might have been his rangy build- or maybe the openness of his smile- that made him look young.
All of Javi's dependable wittiness seemed to have fled. His mouth quirked by muscle memory. “Nah, beer’s about the only thing that hasn’t broken my heart,” Javi tried.
The younger man laughed. “Can I get you another one, then?”
And so Javi allowed himself to be drawn into conversation with the man. Jason, his name was. The bartender gave him a friendly nod as she deposited their drinks- he must have been a regular here. It was nice, talking to someone- about himself, about Jason, about nothing at all. This kind of…companionship, however brief it would end up being, was something Javier hadn’t realized he’d been missing.
He relaxed into it. Into the comfortable, friendly atmosphere of the bar. Javi wasn’t blind. He saw the admiration in the younger (for he was indeed slightly younger) man’s eyes, heard the comments that tiptoed just this side of flirtatious. He didn’t discourage it. Why would he? It felt like it’d been a damn long time since Javier had been so enjoyed.
And he found himself enjoying Jason in return. There was a warmth, an awareness prickling in Javi’s chest that he recognized. It spread the longer they sat and talked, sparked in his fingers, the ends of his hair. It felt like…something loosening in him. Some knot unraveling that he hadn’t ever acknowledged was there.
As the night wound down, though- as their knees bumped and their laughter came warmer- Javier felt the knot drawing tighter again. He came to a decision. Quickly, gruffly, he confessed: he’d never done this before. He hadn’t set out find someone like this, didn’t want Jason to feel used- but Javi did want him. Had he mentioned that part?
As Javi half-stood from his stool, breathing hard, mouth dry, Jason’s look of surprise melted into something else. He placed his hand on Javi’s knee. Jason’s warm smile set fire to Javier, and the knot in his chest turned to ash and flaked away.
—
There was more than one knot to his fears, Javier would discover. There was a whole web, intricately tangled and connected to subjects he would have never imagined. Some of the knots he picked at thoroughly, taking the time to smooth every kink (ahem) in their connecting cords. Some, he would realize, during the course of his research, were actually stupid, and these he excised without a second thought. Others, he wasn’t sure he’d ever be able to undo completely.
But that was for future-Javi to worry about. Present-Javi was tangled in much more pleasant things, like bedsheets and Jason’s unexpectedly strong arms. They spent many long, long nights together over the next few weeks. A few mornings, too, making Chucho raise his eyebrows upon seeing his son dash back through the hotel to shower, shirt buttoned askew and sweat still gleaming on his neck.
It was a dizzying fling. But Jason was a good teacher, and Javi had never been one to shy from a challenge. By the end he’d have Jason flush-faced and gasping, making jokes like “my best student” and “Remind me to bring you a gold star next time”.
Javi didn’t remind him, of course, and Jason didn’t bring any gold stars.
He brought something else.
“I got you a present,” he said, and Javi did a double take.
“What?”
“I mean, it’s just a little thing, they sell them everywhere during pride month, and I just thought…” Jason shrugged, fidgeting bashfully, and held out his hand.
In it sat a small pin in the shape of a waving flag. Its rainbow stripes were unmistakable. Javi stared at it, his throat constricting. Slowly, he took it from Jason’s palm, the metal cool against his fingertips.
“You got me a pride pin.”
“You don’t have to wear it, or put it anywhere visible, obviously. I just thought…to remember me by. To remember yourself by.” Jason looked up from under his lashes then. Whatever else Javier took from their time together, Jason wanted him to remember the significant conversations they’d had.
Emotion swelled unexpectedly in Javier’s chest. He reached out, wrapped his fingers in Jason’s hair, and tugged him closer. Jason accepted his kiss with a sigh of pleasure, and they spent the next several minutes memorizing each other’s taste, the feel of their bodies pressed together, warm and firm.
Finally they parted, lips swollen, breath mingling. “Thank you,” Javier said, voice rough. “I’ll remember.”
He didn’t wear the pin. But he put it in his pocket, and it gave him a little jolt every time the edges poked him.
–
Their paths didn't cross again. But Javi takes the rainbow pin with him everywhere he travels, and on a ranch in Tennessee, he takes it out and studies it. He thinks of a man, and a woman, and another flag striped in red, blue, and black.
Thanks for reading :) ♥️♥️
Dividers by strangergraphics
#javier peña fic#narcos fic#javier peña x omc#javier peña fanfiction#pedro pascal characters#pride fic
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Yoongi x Female Reader. Soulmate AU
Summary: There’s no one on this planet you hate more than your coworker/secret crush Min Yoongi. He’s an arrogant, rude, womanizer who gets under your skin every single shift and you can’t wait for your day to be over so you can get away from him. Unfortunately when Jimin, your caseworker from The Ministry of Adoration, shows up offering you both a raspberry jam filled cookie, things take a surprising turn for the worst and you can no longer get away.
Warnings: Swearing, hints of smut (nothing graphic or really detailed), mentions of death, a little angst, Yoongi gets around. Might get updated later
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Chapter 1-Coffee and Cookies
Word count: 4,268
“I hate him.,” you mumbled leaning on the counter of Perks Perkup Cafe where you were currently employed.
“He’s really not THAT bad.”, your best friend and coworker Mina replied.
“No he really is. He’s arrogant, he’s rude, he thinks he’s soooooo much better than everyone just because he had one song go kind of viral. He’s late like everyday and never gets reprimanded because Mrs.Perk has some weird disgusting crush on him. I just want to wipe that stupid smirk right off his face.”
Mina rolled her eyes, “He’s also charismatic, charming, funny, nice when he wants to be, a good salesman, easily one of the hottest guys on the planet, aaannnddd even you downloaded that one song.”
With a huff knowing she was right you took a sip of water just as your other coworker and archenemy Yoongi finished up with a customer who was happily sliding her number across the counter to him.
“Great here comes the demon kitty now.”, you groaned.
“Shhh, if he ever hears you call him that he really will give you reasons to hate him.”, she chuckled.
“Ladies,” he winked before heading to the back office.
Truth be told you might’ve had a teensy tiny not really that small crush on Yoongi ever since he accidentally spilled a latte on your shoes during his first month of work over a year ago and then profusely apologized with red tinted cheeks before offering to buy you a new pair and dinner on top of it.
An emergency came up and you weren’t able to make it to the dinner but you’d hoped to be able to reschedule. Unfortunately he never gave you that chance because after that night the shy sweet blonde turned into a menace, showing up late, always begging to leave early, never cleaning or prepping, and spending most of his time getting different girls numbers. He was rude to you. Always calling you a prude or making hurtful comments. He tried to get under your skin any chance he got.
You’d be lying if you said it didn’t hurt every time you saw him shamelessly flirt in front of you or loudly tell your other coworker Namjoon about all of his random one night stands. At this point you weren’t sure if you hated him because of who he was and how he treated you or simply because he wasn’t yours. But that was a secret you’d take to your grave. You made hating Yoongi part of your personality and in no way would you let that go.
The rest of your shift went relatively smoothly. You and Mina kicked ass while Yoongi sat in the office only coming out if he sensed there was a pretty girl in the building.
“Are you sure you don’t want me to stay? I don’t mind getting there a little late.”, Mina checked with you one more time.
“No it’s okay. The busy hours are done with so we shouldn’t get more than a customer or two at a time. I can handle it. Go celebrate your brothers birthday.”
With a smile she bounced out the door leaving you to spend the final hours before closing with Yoongi.
Unfortunately for you your one or two customers at a time remark came back to bite you thanks to a high school graduation happening a block over from the cafe.
You stared at the line of people all looking back at you with agitation as you tried your best to take orders and make orders and cash out while still trying to smile. You went to the back looking for Yoongi, but he was nowhere in sight so you took a deep breath to collect yourself and returned back to the front greeting the next customer in line.
Just as you were adding the whipped cream to the top of some girls cup of sugar with a splash of coffee you heard the back door swing open.
“Jesus Y/N, why didn’t you come get me?”, Yoongi asked hurriedly tying his apron behind his back.
“I tried but you were no where to be found. But of course you would show up when there’s a pretty girl involved.”, you spat back handing the girl her drink while trying to ignore her giving puppy dog eyes to Yoongi.
Without responding he headed to the register to take a few more orders before helping you knock out a few of the drinks that were built up. It took about 35 minutes but the two of you were able to get everything caught up.
Throwing a towel down on the counter you wiped some of the sweat off of your forehead really regretting not taking that job at the ice cream parlor instead.
“Here have some cold water.”, Yoongi said handing you a bottle.
“No thanks. I don’t need your pity water.”
“Oh my God Y/N, I’m just trying to give you some water. Why does everything have to be a fight with you?”
“Maybe because I’m tired of having to pick up your slack.”
“Well maybe I’m tired of your bitchy attitude.”,
“Yeah well maybe I’m-“
Before you could finish the sentence someone on the other side of the counter cleared their throat.
“I am so sorry. How can I hel-“
Your fear of upsetting a customer turned to joy when you spotted one of your favorite regulars, Jimin. He had been coming into the cafe for a few weeks and you always enjoyed it. He was personable and friendly. Not to mention very handsome. He’d come in and order a large iced mocha and occasionally a slice of banana bread, make a little small talk and then quietly work in the corner. Judging by his tailored designer suits and briefcase you figured he probably worked for one of the various law firms that surrounded the cafe.
“Hey Jimin, how are you doing today?”, you asked immediately perking up.
Out of the corner of your eye you saw Yoongi mocking your excitement, but chose to ignore it for now and focus on Jimin instead.
“Hi Y/N. Just the usual today.”, he smiled back.
“Of course!”, you said while ringing up his iced mocha.
Yoongi got to work on the drink while you handed Jimin his change.
“So things not getting any better between the two of you?”, he asked putting away his wallet.
You scoffed, “Not even close.”
“I see. Well that’s not good. We’ll have to work on that.”, he said taking the drink that Yoongi had quietly sat down on the counter before returning to the back to start the closing process.
Jimin thanked you with a wink before taking his usual seat. His words still playing in your head.
As you were scrubbing away at one of the machines you heard the door chimes ring signaling someone was entering the building. You turned to greet who would hopefully be your last customer of the day.
“Oh Yooonnnggiiii”, you heard a sickeningly sweet high pitched voice.
“Ugghh”, you rolled your eyes recognizing the woman. She was one of Yoongi’s regular hookups. Rose or Lilly. Maybe Violet. You weren’t really sure what her name was and didn’t care enough to ask.
She was desperately in love with him and would drop to her knees faster that he could say suck. You almost felt bad for her knowing that he was only using her as a last resort when he couldn’t find anything better.
Yoongi came walking out of the back office smirking as you made a gagging motion.
“Seriously? You couldn’t wait fifteen minutes to set up a booty call?”
He shrugged his shoulders, “Hey, she offered and who am I to say no?”
It didn’t take long for you to watch him grab her hand and pull her towards the bathroom as she giggled. Your stomach twisted in disgust, but your heart broke at the sight.
He must’ve had an off night or one of the best experiences of his life because it was less than seven minutes later that he came walking back behind the counter with flushed cheeks and you saw the woman embarrassedly heading towards the door with tousled hair and running mascara.
You busied yourself by scrubbing away at a coffee stain on the counter that had been there since before you started so you knew it was useless, but you just wanted to avoid any interaction with him that you could.
You jumped when you heard someone clear their throat not expecting another customer five minutes before closing time.
“I uh I finished all the dishes.”, Yoongi said not making eye contact.
“Okay? Do you want a cookie?”
“Wow Y/N.”
“Well it’s part of your job Yoongi. I don’t need you to walk me through it.”
“I know that Y/N. I just wanted to let you know so that you didn’t go back there to do it.”
“Yeah well while you’re at it why don’t you go disinfect the bathroom too.”
“Sorry no one has ever been so desperate to get in your pants.”
“Oh go fuck yourself Yoongi.”
“Don’t have to. I have people for that.”, he smirked.
“I hate y-“
“Hi guys!”
You jumped at the peppy voice coming from across the counter before feeling an immediate sense of relief.
“Hey Jimin.”, you smiled as Yoongi rolled his eyes.
“Hi Y/N”, he smiled back.
“How about a cookie?”
“I’m sorry what?”, you chuckled at his odd question.
“Here”, he said sliding over two raspberry jam filled cookies.
“Oh no thank you Jimin. I’m not much of a jam person.”, you politely declined.
“I stayed up all night baking these. I’d really love to get your opinions. I’m calling them Raspberry Romances.”
Thanks to the deep pout he was giving you and the way his eyes twinkled you couldnt say no a second time so you grabbed the cookie popping it in your mouth in one go.
“Mmm actually not bad.”, you said trying to keep the crumbs from falling out.
Jimin smiled before sliding the other cookie closer to Yoongi.
“No thanks. My parents taught me to never take candy from strangers and I’m pretty sure that applies to cookies too.”, he shook his head.
“Come on Yoongi. Jimin isn’t a stranger and would it kill you to not be an exhausting asshole for two minutes of your life?”
Letting out a long sigh of defeat he reached for the cookie popping it in his mouth, “Its okay. Name needs work though. Sounds like something a Girl Scout would sell.”
You rolled your eyes at his attempt to fake disinterest.
“Great! Thank you guys so much.”, Jimin clapped his hands together.
“So what got you into baking all of a sudden?”, you asked trying to make small talk and avoid Yoongi’s glare.
“Oh just a new hobby I guess.”
“Pfft I’m gonna go lockup so we don’t get any more customers trying to poison us with random cookies.”, Yoongi said walking towards the door.
You shook your head, “Ignore him. You’re welcome to bring any of your creations for me to try any time.”
Jimin smiled as he watched Yoongi round the counter. As Yoongi walked closer and closer to the door you felt an odd sensation in your chest. It got tighter and tighter the farther Yoongi walked away from you until it felt like you had been stabbed in the heart with a burning knife.
“Ahh call and ambulance. I think I’m having a heart attack.”, you cried doubling over in pain.
“Nope! No heart attack.”, Jimin said a little too cheerily given the situation.
You looked up noticing he was pointing towards the door where you saw Yoongi doubling over gripping his chest just like you, “What the fuck? I’m too young for this shit.”, he cried.
Instinctually you ran over to check on him forgetting about your own troubles. As soon as you got within a few feet of him though you immediately started feeling better. Yoongi did too as he was able to catch his breath and stand up straight.
“Oh I’m so glad it worked! And so quickly too!”, Jimin excitedly bounced watching this all unfold.
“So glad what worked?”, you asked turning to look at him.
“The cookies I gave you.”
“So you did poison us. I knew it!”, Yoongi exclaimed walking forward.
“No no no, let me properly introduce myself. My name is Park Jimin and I am your case worker.”
“I’m sorry what? Our case worker?”
Jimin nodded, “Yes, your case worker. I work for the broken souls department.”
“Great. It’s worse than poisoning us. He drugged us.”, Yoongi dramatically waved his arms around.
“I did no such thing.”, Jimin responded offended.
“Please explain what’s going on in detail.”, you said trying to diffuse the situation.
“Right. So I work for The Ministry of Adoration in the souls department. We’re divided into three different sections, Complete Souls, Broken Souls, and Lost Souls.”
“Oh my god. That’s it. I’ve died and gone to hell. I am in hell right now.”, Yoongi groaned from next to you.
“Shut up and quit being so dramatic.”, you hissed before turning back to Jimin, “Maybe start the explanation from the beginning.”
With a loud sigh he continued, “Everyone is born with 50% of their soul. Someone else in the world is born with the other 50%.”
“Oh like soulmates!”, you exclaimed.
He smiled, “Yes exactly Y/N! And it’s everyone’s destiny to find their soulmate to complete their fulfillment and bring the souls together. Most of the time the two souls are compatible and get along smoothly with no issues. Sometimes though they need a little help to move along and their cases are then sent to my department hence the broken souls.”
“Okay and what the fuck does this have to do with Y/N and I? Why did we feel like we were dying a few minutes ago?”, Yoongi spat.
“Well you and Y/N are soulmates.”
You and Yoongi both let out a deep laugh at the same time. “No we’re not.”, you quipped.
“Yeah we hate each other.”, Yoongi added.
Jimin nodded in agreement, “Yes which is why I’m here. I’ve been watching you two for several weeks now hoping you’d work it out on your own and I wouldn’t have to step in but after your little argument today I knew my help was needed.”
You couldn’t believe your ears. Maybe Yoongi was right and you both really were poisoned by a handsome guy in a Gucci suit.
Jimin continued, “The cookie I gave you was a new prototype that we’re working on. Normally we’d just lock you two together with some handcuffs and call it a day. But with this cookie it gives you a little more wiggle room and will hopefully make the experience more enjoyable therefore having a higher success rate. Thanks to the cookies the two of you can’t be more than five feet away from each other or you’ll feel that little pain in your chest. A heartbreak if you will.”
“Why are you doing this?”, you asked.
“Well you and Yoongi are running out of time to become compatible and fall in love. Once your souls run out of life they disappear forcing you both to then turn to the lost souls department lead by my coworker Jin where you’ll be subjected to an eternity of loneliness and despair and not to mention countless unfunny dad jokes. And trust me, you DON’T want that to happen. Which is why I gave you two the cookies. It’ll force you to have to spend time together and get to know each other and hopefully that gives you both the little nudge you need to finally let Cupid in with his little arrows of love.”
“I know someone I’d like to shoot with an arrow right now.”, Yoongi spat.
Ignoring him you asked, “So what happens if we don’t fall in love?”
“Welllll, you have three weeks from today to share true loves kiss.”
Yoongi went to speak but Jimin quickly cut him off, “And no you can’t fake it and just kiss. We’ll know whether it’t true love or not.”
Yoongi sat down in huff and you continued, “Okay and what happens if we don’t kiss?”
“After the three weeks, if no true love kiss has happened, then your soulmate bond will be broken. And then the two of you will have to decide whose soul you want to continue unscathed and who you want to be sent down to the lost souls department. It not a the best situation but at least this way we can save one of you instead of loosing both.”
“Wow un-fucking-believable.”, Yoongi muttered beside you. You were speechless.
“Well I think that was enough excitement for one night. Remember not to stray too far away from each other.”, Jimin said walking towards the door.
“Wait what if we have questions? Or something else happens?”, you panicked.
“Don’t worry. I’ll be around when you need me.”
And with that he walked out the door letting it slowly shut behind him.
“What are we going to do?”, you asked turning to Yoongi.
“I’m gonna go grab my shit and go home.”, he said walking towards the back. Hastily you followed after him not wanting to stray too far. He grabbed his things and headed towards the door with you on his heels.
“Y/N, stay here. None of this is real. I don’t need you following me around like a lost puppy all the time.”, he said before slamming the door in your face.
It only took a few seconds for the pain in your chest to return causing you to double over. Thankfully it quickly disappeared when Yoongi returned out of breath clearly having experienced the same.
He grabbed your hand pulling you with him, “Come on. We’ll stay at your place. We just need to stop at mine and grab a few things.”
“Umm excuse me? Why do we have to stay at mine?”
He sighed, “Because I live with two other roommates who will never stop giving me shit about this and you live alone.”
“Okay. Fair point.” You didn’t exactly want to have to live with all these random people anyways.
His apartment was pretty close thankfully and much nicer than you expected. As soon as he opened the door you were surprised to see everything clean and organized. A faint scent of cinnamon and vanilla hung in the air. His two roommates were on the couch watching a movie.
“There you are! We were wondering when you’d get home.”, one of them exclaimed.
“Of course you were late because you had to find a friend for the night. At least she’s way prettier than your usual catches.”, the other spoke. His comment making you blush slightly.
Yoongi grabbed your hand beginning to pull you down the hall when one of the guys spoke up, “Hey aren’t you gonna introduce us?”
“Yeah don’t be so rude Yoongi?”, you spoke trying to poke a little fun at him sensing his irritation.
“Oh for fucks sake.”, he grumbled before pulling you into the living room.
“Y/N, these are my roommates. This is Jungkook and that one is Hoseok. This is Y/N.”
You politely smiled and waved at the two men who seemed much nicer and friendlier than Yoongi.
“Great. Everyone is pointlessly no introduced and I have things to take care of.”, he said pulling you back down the hall.
“Don’t forget to use protection.”, Jungkook shouted after you eliciting a giggle.
Yoongi motioned for you to take a seat on his bed, “I’m just gonna grab some clothes and my laptop.”
You shook your head, “No thanks. I know what you do on that bed.”
“The only thing I do there is sleep. I never bring girls back here.”
“Why not? Don’t you want to be comfortable instead of always hooking up in a car or random bathroom?”
“I don’t know. It just feels too personal if I bring them here. You know into my space. I only save that for people I actually care about.”
You didn’t think he was capable of having feelings like that and then it hit you.
You smirked, “So you care about me? I mean you did let me into your personal space after all.”
“Don’t think too much into it. I just didn’t want to be doubled over in pain while I packed.”, he rolled his eyes before turning away so you couldn’t see the blush forming on his cheeks.
Once he had all his things packed you both snuck past Hoseok and Jungkook who were too busy fighting over the last piece of pizza to notice you anyways.
Swinging the door open to your apartment you suddenly felt really self conscious. It had been several months since you had a guy over and the fact that the guy next to you was Yoongi didn’t make it any easier.
Conveniently you heard him chuckle from behind you.
“What is it Yoongi?”
“Nothing. Your place is cute.”
You rolled your eyes before walking further into the living room.
“I’ll get you some blankets and a pillow. You can have the couch.”, you said motioning to the corner of the room.
“Umm yeah that’s not gonna work.”
“Well make it work because I am not sharing a bed with you.”
“Alright fine. I’ll take the couch and you can sleep in your bed and we’ll both be in excruciating pain all night because you peer pressured me into eating a cookie from some demonic Betty Crocker wannabe.”
You closed your eyes internally smacking yourself for forgetting the whole reason you were stuck with Yoongi to begin with.
“Fine. We’ll share my bed. But no funny business.”, you huffed past him.
“Wouldn’t dream about it babes.”
“Could you please hurry up. I’d love to get to sleep at some point tonight.”, Yoongi groaned.
“Almost done. Just rinsing off.”, you said. The large size of your bathroom was the main reason you chose this apartment but you were really regretting it in this moment. You tested it and Yoongi standing outside the door was just too far away so you both agreed to stay in the bathroom together as you showered and did your nightly routines. Shutting off the water you peaked around the curtain to make sure he was still staring at the wall.
“Okay I’m coming out now. Don’t turn around.”
“Y/N I’m not going to look if you don’t want me to. Just please hurry the fuck up.”, he spat clearly getting cranky.
Quickly you dried yourself off before getting your pajamas on.
“Okay”
“Can I turn around now?”
“Yeah sure.”
Your mind was probably playing tricks on you but you swore you saw a hint of red running down his neck.
“Hey tomorrow I nee- Oh my God Yoongi.”, you exclaimed bringing your hands over your eyes before turning around. “Seriously? You couldn’t warn me that you were just gonna strip naked.”
“I’m getting in the shower. Of course I’m gonna be naked. And I promised I wouldn’t look at you. I don’t care if you look at me. Plus I know you’ve been dying to catch a glimpse of all this.”
“Oh please don’t think so highly of yourself.”
Thankfully his shower was quick and he was dried off and changed within minutes.
Your bed was small forcing the two of you to lay shoulder to shoulder.
“Can I ask you a question?”, you spoke breaking the silence.
“Sure.”
“Why do you have a tattoo of a cookie with a smirk on your butt cheek?”
“You were checking out my butt weren’t you?”, he laughed.
“Answer the question.”
“His name is Shooky. It was something I had drawn one day and then after a few too many drinks one of my friends dared me to get it as a tattoo.”
“And you thought your butt was the best location?”
“You don’t even want to know where Jungkook got a tattoo of the pink bunny he drew.”
“He didn’t.”, you gasped.
“He did. He calls it Cooky on a coc-“
“Okay that’s enough.”, you stopped him before he could go any further. He laughed before letting the room fall into a semi awkward silence.
“You still awake?”, he asked after several minutes.
“Mmmhmm.”
“Well I just remembered that my brothers wedding is this weekend so uh I guess you’re gonna have to be my date.”, he said barely above a whisper.
“Okay. It’s not like we have a choice anyways.”
“Yeah, I guess so.”
You both laid there in silence for a while but you could tell neither of you were close to falling asleep.
“Hey Yoongi?”, you asked.
“Yeah?”
“I’m scared.”
“Don’t be. We’ll figure something out. Besides we both know I’ll be the one who walks away from this anyways.”
You rolled your eyes before turning away from him. You should’ve known better than to look to him for comfort.
Yoongi laid awake staring at the ceiling while sneaking little peaks at you.
The truth was he was scared too, but he’d never let you know that. Scared of what might happen. Scared of what might not happen. Scared of the fact that he has loved you since the minute you introduced yourself to him at he cafe even though you’ve never reciprocated the feeling. Scared you’ll find out that he’s only a jerk to you as a defense mechanism to hide his true feelings.
He was most scared because he knew at some point the truth was going to come out.
#bts#yoongi fanfic#yoongi x reader#min yoongi#bts fanfic#yoongi fic#yoongi x y/n#bts x reader#yoongi au#soulmate au#bts yoongi#park jimin#jimin#bts jimin#raspberryromance#bts fic#yoongi
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I made this to cope with season 2 and now it's the only playlist I listen to
#send help#good omens has me in a chokehold#good omens#crowley#aziraphale#good omens season 2#ineffable husbands#I can go into so much detail about these songs#and i might#Spotify
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I’d love to hear your thoughts on what Eldritch peredhel entail
-@@outofangband
Sorry this took so long @outofangband and thank you for asking this I am! Delighted! And am preemptively putting a read more down because I cannot shut up about they <3
alright I'm just gonna put stuff and headcanons down as they occur to me so expect low-moderate levels of coherency
shapeshifting is an obvious one (gets weaker down the generations) but because my brain is Like This I have caveats!
thanks to my whole peredhil things=gender allegory that my brain spit out without my permission I've long struggled against my inherent feeling that while they can shapeshift they don't like it
but because I'm now aware of my brain's reasoning I can say it's because of ✨fantasy dysphoria✨
that's oversimplifying, obviously, but peredhil already have so much issues with working through who and what they are and compromising between body and mind and spirit that actively choosing to change into/present as something/someone who They Are Not is. Not usually their cup of tea.
As a whole they tend to have specific forms that they prefer as being closer to themselves, and distinct enough that it doesn't feel like they're faking something they're not
(changing to look like a different person, or a edited version of themself is Very Very not fun unless either explicitly for disguise or shenanigans)
(the exception to this is that Luthien can make herself look almost perfectly human without any real issue. she doesn't do it often but especially as she ages she likes to catch glimpses of her reflection and get both excited and sappy. this is in contrast to making herself look almost perfectly like an elf which makes her feel like her skin is on fire.)
(Also I'm pretty sure all of them can flip their agab presentation while only feeling varying degrees of off, and even then it's a different feeling than the shapeshifting dysphoria. Dior and Elwing are the two who I think mind it the most)
They all have the (agonizing to write) trait of feeling very distinct relationships to their species in their body vs soul/mind vs spirit/fea and they all feel it very differently! This isn't exclusive to Luthien's line but the maia blood does make it worse.
Oh! This is a new headcanon of mine actually but!
They all have faces that are very very hard to capture in image. They are the bane of portrait artists (and, to a degree, sculptors) everywhere because the art never looks accurate to life
It's not blatantly off it's just. missing something? Or something was added? maybe it's a little too wide, or narrow, or long, or short, in one place or another
It's not unrecognizable but if you've ever seen the subject in real life you can just tell
It's especially bad with Luthien (and Daeron) and Dior (to a lesser extent) because everyone literally sees them differently, as in their features will be slightly different depending on what each person finds attractive/aesthetically appealing and beautiful
(not a lot, again, it's not unrecognizable, but there has never and will never be any accurate depiction of Luthien as she was as a person)
(as a concept, though, as the most beautiful creature to have ever existed in Arda, a little of her image exists in every portrait lovingly made of a beloved spouse, every child's drawing of their family, in biological sketches of songbirds and field mice, in a sculpture of a stranger's face. Daeron remembers his sister perfectly, but he collects these regardless)
(Arwen, Luthien come again, isn't described as such by her grandparents. Galadriel and Celeborn both knew Luthien, and while Arwen and her father both look as closely to her as genetically possible, to those who actually know them both it's nothing more than uncanny family resemblance. Luthien was to most a concept personified, Arwen is a person with concepts imposed on her.)
The list of people who have seen Luthien how she actually, physically, defaultly is, essentially consists of Melian, Daeron, Beren, and Dior
Beren doesn't see her as she is right away because he doesn't know her right away, but they learn about each other and she shows herself and he sees her and by the time she rescues him from Tol-im-Gaurhoth there are no echoes on her face
(He's always a little bit haunted that he nearly died without realizing he'd never quite seen the truth of her before)
Neither Thingol or Beren can quite see their own features on their children's faces. They clearly take after their mothers, after all!
(This leads to much affectionate eye-rolling on Melian and Luthien's part)
Hair stuff!
It's alive! kinda! it's definitely not normal hair!
It moves a lot on its own. Sometimes like a breeze is blowing where there isn't one. Sometimes more like tentacles. It depends on its mood.
They've got some very pretty traditional cosmic horror vibes swirling around on their heads. It's very sparkly and colorful but in a Forbidden Shrimp Colors that your brain is unable to comprehend way so it reads as iridescent black mostly, or holographic white, where applicable
Luthien's hair actually is a glimpse into space, Daeron's is a glance at a star
(Luthien's magic hair cloak survives, I think, into the 4th age and beyond, though if anyone/anything has found it they certainly don't know the origins of the beautifully intricate living star map. It has seen the reign of countless north stars, yet the lines always point to the same coordinates- where the ancient, sunken, ruined remains of what once was Tol-im-Gaurhoth lay)
Speed round!
Fangs and talons and horns oh my! Are they tooth and keratin and bone, or are they petrified wood and gem and stone? Yes!
They all smell a little like ozone and a lot like petrichor, flowers, and Green. If you've smelled green you know what I'm talking about. Also, unfortunately, like bird. Birds don't smell great, especially wet bird.
Weird Foresight Powers++
(Most of them don't have actual foresight, but all of them are more in-tune with the Song than is natural for an incarnate)
Their eyes glow, most notably in the dark, unless the irises turn black as they sometimes do. They are also all unnaturally bright versions of the less-spooky parent's- Dior's are gold, Elwing's are blue-green like a tropical sea (Elured and Elurin split the color between them- ultramarine and emerald), Elrond and Elros have pale star-gold, Elladan, Elrohir, and Arwen all have silver.
(Daeron and Luthien being the exception again, because I decided they have Melian's eyes before I decided this, and I don't know what color eyes Thingol has. Watsonianly: Melian's spooky genes overwrite a lot. Luthien's genotype is probably much closer to his than her magically overwritten phenotype)
Their sclerae turn black and their pupils white, on occasion, usually when using powers
They don't bleed right. It's a little too red for an elf, a little too light for a human, and it shines strange as it beads like quicksilver on the skin
They have very shiny, cool skin. Luthien looked like her's was silver plate under a stretched stocking, the rest toned it down from there but it's still noticeable.
The Song is. Attached to them. They are all very much Main Characters. Their lives have a clear story arc with symbolism and narrative parallels. They are all subconsciously aware that their lives are a fairytale, whether tragic or no, and yes this has many Implications and affects. They are not the only ones like this, but they are the only ones who, to some level, know they are in a story.
This is the fundamental separation between them and everyone else.
The difference in how they perceive themselves between heart soul and spirit is very difficult to explain and understand, but not impossible to someone who knows them and is willing to put in the work.
The life-long knowledge that they are Important to the Song and their every choice and event they experience and their mere existence serves a greater purpose in a way that most other people simply do not- that's very, very isolating.
No one else can understand how they see the world. Very very few people are willing to try, and even fewer in a way that's not frustrating. There is a reason most of them find only one person to latch on to outside of their family, and a reason they hold on through hell and high water.
(This is about being neurodivergent)
#asks#outofangband#eldritch peredhil#gonna go into more detail about preferred shape forms here bc it's important to me but not relevant lol#luthien: nightingale/s (obviously) but also a starling and to a lesser extent various other birds- preference toward passerine and raptors#wolf and deer are both fine- wolf especially for snuggles- she can go bat and enjoy it but only after thuringwethil#(which is a whole thing for her to unpack)#dior: cat (male calico specifically) wolf and bat#and then a kingfisher starling nightingale red-crowned crane and a bird of prey (currently thinking maybe a swallow-tailed kite?)#e^2 1.0 don't actually have the same feeling towards shapeshifting bc of the whole consumed by doriath to become Entities thing#so they're closer to maiar vibes-wise than even luthien entirely was#elwing: starling beach mouse and then pretty much most seabirds#but on the whole Song's Specialist Little Guys thing#obviously its up to individual philosophy on if free will can exist in the face of Destiny#my opinion is yes but i think all of them have a different take#luthien thinks no but is happy/fine with this and thinks its very romantic. daeron also thinks no but is resigned and ultimately content.#neither of them understand the average person being deeply uncomfortable at the idea of the lack of free will#their mom is a maia this is just normal to them#dior thinks yes at first but flips around a lot through his life#its a pretty hard no post-death but when he gets reembodied he becomes deeply aware that he is No Longer Important but nothing changes so??#elwing thinks absolutely not and uses this to cope. she feels like she has so little agency already#at least if it's cosmic there's nothing she could've done#at least if it's cosmic her mistakes are worth something#(she needs so much therapy)#earendil is the only spouse who comes to fully understand this. he cant decide what he thinks. every option seems horrifying in its own way#elrond and elros both think yes and use this to cope. they can be better. they can make things better.#there may be a story but they can make it a happy one.#they're people and that has to count for something.
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it’s so beautiful to me that what triggers anya’s memory of her past isn’t some big national secret or something inherently tied to the politics of her family or even her social class, it’s just a simple sensory detail of sitting in a carriage on a hot day and catching sight of a boy running after them
#anastasia broadway#anastasia musical#anastasia#dimya#i mean i get that this is the whole point of iacot alksdfj#but like#it's just a small thing?? and that feels so much more honest??#idk#also like#i know she has Been Through It but the narrative is so gentle to her#like this is just such a kind and gentle way to be reintroduced to who you used to be you know??#even though the song ends on a sad note it's still a very safe and comforting environment#a boy talking about a hot summer day and it turns out you were there too#and then we can get into the fact that the way he tells stories is exactly what she needed to unlock her memory#bc he uses sensory memories and specific details in the same way we remember childhood#like we don't think about the Overall Things going on at the time but we remember the way the food smelled or the texture of the clothes etc#and that's a much more interesting and Real story to me than anything else they could have done#letting this girl who has survived and endured so much have a moment to just. be. and letting her think about ribbons and a boy#which is why when ppl try to make her a figure either sympathizing with or against the revolution it doesn't work for me#bc it's not a show about revolution it's a show about a girl remembering the way her nanna smells when she hugs her#and in this context. that matters more#idk it's a story for the girls!!!!!#for the girls who don't remember everything but they remember their grandma's perfume and the way the carpet felt under her feet!!
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Plot aside, I'd forgotten just how charming the animation of Lupin Zero is
#disclaimer that i am not an animator nor even an artist but! i love the toothy line style they use for the characters#obviously meant to be reminiscent of analog productions#i love that the frame rate (?) seems to be the same as part 1 if my player's frame-by-frame function is to be believed#i love all the lovingly rendered period details in the backgrounds#(and the jokes! i lost it in january when i realized lupin's mothra (モスラ) poster actually read “tesla” (テスラ))#i love the expressions and the references to other ’70s animation by the same creators (you can fit SO much f.uture boy conan in here)#i DON'T love the weird light-distortion filter they slapped over the entire show but i respect the vibe they were going for with it#strange lovely hit-or-miss (but hits hard when it counts) little show designed to be a half-forgotten memory#we'll see how i feel about it as a whole now that it's been [checks the wiki] just a few days over a full year but man. i'm glad we have it#lupin zero#lupin iii#edit: oh right i forgot the cringe in e1. though to be fair soon after yoko's song starts it cuts to lupin looking up to/emulating jigen so
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looking in every part of the internet to fuel my hyperfixation no one has ever heard about.
results: none
#gamezz.txt#this is about yona#you should listen to her music btw😁😁 kellon alla and pilvet liikkuu minä en are some of my favorite#it’s by far my most normal interest but how much i can talk about it is unparalleled#like i have to stop myself from talking about her music. i have an entire universe in my head because of her music LOL#like for each song. at least in her earlier albums the lyrics are so powerful. the words compliment the atmosphere of the song#its perfect to visualize how the world looks. the coloring. the people within it#OK ok i wrote like an entire detailed essay but i deleted it😢 you see what i mean by having to stop myself. i could go into so much detail#i would give anything to see people talk about her music….
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.... OK I really hope I can keep this dude ♥
#miranda talking shit#Like... I just want him around me... Yeah. First visit I thought it may be how I felt. Now I'm like lol yeah#8+ hour visit later... Not even that I just... Am being used for sx like we talk so much#We talked about past experiences and love and children etc. Like... I guess we just vibe. Or rather I feel like we do#We make each other laugh and he seem to want to touch me and want to tell me about things#He talked about metal (or we about music but I'm not a metal head so) and he played songs for me#He found my reactions to them funny. Some song did some guitar thing and I was like “woah!”#He laughed and after the song went into explaining what it was. How it was done and such#“i wonder what you think about this... Or... Well maybe you won't care. But I think you may find it interesting?”#Me already clawing at the phone: yes yes I'm interested show me!!!#I love having people show me things willingly. Like even if it's embarrassing or whatever like hey I am going to love it#He showed Warhammer figures he had painted and talked about that#I love hearing people info dump like omgggg hiiii tell me everything uwu#I took up the... Idea of being fwb and being like... Exclusive about it. And he was like “I mean... I haven't really been seeing anyone els#Mainly bc I don't want to and bc it's so... -makes eye contact with me-“ me: tiring?”-deep sigh-yes so tiring.... “#He shared a lot of personal things in general and one thing in detail he definitely didn't have to#I mean I casually say I got daddy issues but that's like... Yeah my dad never cared for me and my siblings that's just how it is ya know#Idk man. Been a while I... Felt so... At ease and.... Open so quick with anyone. I liked Linus quick but not in this way#I hope I get to keep him around me for more... Like he's.... I think we have things in common but we are definitely still different enough#Want to learn everything I can about him. Plus he let's me be... Overly affectionate and serviceing him like an doting mom (how I want to#Treat everyone in my life but I know majority don't accept it). I get to bring him a drink and help him get dressed to go outside#Men who just goes along with how I want to express affection and not hate it is great#I mean. I don't think he have been touched this... Affectionately before either. I'm very intense and like.... Yeah it's like I'm in love#With you. Sorry I'm stroking your face and looking into your eyes and all :/#He just smiles. Me with basically heart shaped eyes and he's like: :)#Some nerdy brunette: hi (: me: omg? Spend all your free time with me???
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#hey tay anon im just gonna respond like this. i feel u!#im not a fan but im intrigued by some of her work so then i rabbithole a little bit now and then and i get the appeal#and always what makes me let's say chill about things is the separation between a public persona and the real human behind it#and we wanna see the real person if were a fan. of any musician any celeb#or were a fan of the TM which is totally fine to indulge in that like its the whole point right.#actually in reality its always a little bit of both. anyway so like that helps me to not be affected too much by the shitty stuff#like i believe that ppl of this status (like tay having built fame on the kinda songs she has paired with the image of trashing exes)#write about things that are true to them - at least in core feeling or in little details - and have an image that fits it and go for max#exposure. and i think everybody involved just know its just bs and says little to nothing about the actual human whose face is used for#that image. like harry and the sex symbol status like sdklfjsldk#i feel like in the end the only thing that matters is that the reach said image gives is how many people can be affected by the music.#makes them feel things. gives them something that can put words and sounds to their own lives. and she does that very well
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I have so much to say about Album so I’m just going to start typing and see where it goes.
This drawing is based on The Protector, which is,,,,,, aaaaaa. Jason Sweettooth Williams does really amazing, he conveys the emotion so well in this recording, it's insane. Also the music is so good. Literally gives me shivers.
In my understanding this song is about a father who had some bad experiences in his childhood when he tried to seek comfort in various unhealthy coping mechanisms, and he doesn’t want his kid to go through the same thing so he tries to make sure they feel safe. Because the ‘protector’ that they need isn’t someone to fight off bad guys, it’s someone who will make sure they feels safe and loved and cared for, to protect them from what they might do to themselves. But the father hasn’t quite figured this out, he gets close to understanding in the song, but he’s still so scared and desperately doing everything he can to protect his child. Like telling them to avoid certain places - presumably places where he has had bad experiences. But it wasn’t because the places are dangerous, it was because he was vulnerable as a kid and didn’t have someone to help him navigate the world. The main thing is that he wants the child to know that he will always protect them, no matter what.
This a bit vague but point is this song is really good and listening to it has had an effect on me. Thank you Joe Iconis thank you Jason Sweettooth Williams.
#joe iconis#jason sweettooth williams#my art#also yeah the kid in the song is probably older but this drawing is more of a vague interpretation of the meaning#I want to draw more pictures based on album but idk#I LOVE the nurse and the addict but I don't really have an interpretation of it lol#my mind during the protector is like taking note of details and obsessing over lyrics and connecting dots and getting really emotional#and my mind during the nurse and the addict is just taylor trensch oh my fucking god. oh my go- oh my god. wow.#I actually have so much to say about pretty much every song#if you want you can request a song from album and I'll draw it - bonus if you give me a snippet of your own interpretation#actually I'm going ask for this specifically; please give an album song + what you think it's about
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Absolutely BUZZING right now because I've written a musical and me and my friend are working on finding a way of staging it which is so!!!!!!!!!!! Fucking!!!!!!!!!!!! Exciting!!!!!!!!!!! But neither of us can compose!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And three of the songs are fucking AWFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And we can't say or do anything for at least six months!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But STILL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
#The working title is This Book Is The Property Of Felicity Burrows#Which is a mouthful but whatever#I've probably posted about it before bc it's the one I wrote the initial story of when I was like. Ten.#it's a horror/thriller with brutal bloody murder#which everyone apparently thought was a normal thing for a ten years old to write about#In fairness we were supposed to be writing horror stories at the time#But there's something about it that made me go “...why was this the story I chose and how am I describing shit in quite so much detail”#that was before my downward spiral too so it's not even a part of that#Anyway one of the song's working titles was “how many English lit references can we get into one song before somebody complains”#which was fun to write#: )
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hi rosi! well, i was the anon from yesterday or whenever about the fantasy about being with you and read all your tags so like...i guess i'll be an emoji anon! i'll decide by the end of the ask which ill use i guess lmao. how was your day? i kinda wanted to ask like, so i guess you just go in your car and hangout at parking lots or whatever a decent amount, is that just to get some alone time? i forget what your current living situation is. also like what do you do for fun?! i know your a lil weed girly and you do your art (which i love btw, i want to try and buy a piece next time i get some kind of spare money) but is there anything else you like to do? i hope you had a good day whenever you get around to answering this<3 (btw i wanna smooch you i am telepathically kissing you right now)
- 🎤
Hi hi hi!! Welcome 🎤 🫶💖
My day was pretty good! How was yours lovely? 🥰
Hmmm why I chill in my car is kinda complicated tbh. But I guess the main reason is so I can smoke and just kinda relax and enjoy myself ya know?
Yes yes yes I am a lil weed girly 🥰😇 and I do love my art (any sort - painting, photography, coloring 💖, scrapbooking, trying to get back into drawing)
I’m also a huge music nerd! I went to a performing arts high school and trained in vocal music. Learned a bunch of music theory and did a buuuunch of voice lessons. My goal was to be an opera singer but life had other plans.
Other than that I’m kinda boring. Just like chilling and watching shows (occasionally movies but I’m a sleepy baby so I usually fall asleep pretty fast).
#ok ok ok let’s get a lil more detailed shall we 😇#I usually reply only in the tags but I KNEW I was going to run our way too fast so I needed to say the basics up there (which felt weird 😂)#I had a pretty good day so far ngl! I was there for moral support for my friend (ended up taking forever but everything turned out good)#now I’m just chilling in my car for the night 🥰#as for why I spend so much time in my car - at the beginning of the year I had to move back with my parents#pls don’t get me wrong I’m super grateful to have a roof over my head and a bed to sleep in… its just not the most comfortable place#the main problem I have is not being able to smoke anymore (I used to be able to smoke inside at my last place so it’s just an adjustment)#I was hoping to be able to smoke out on the deck downstairs but my dad didn’t like that either#so I just chill in my car and smoke in here and watch and color and paint#I mean another reason is I’m a night owl and my dad sleeps in the living room (due to health problems) and I don’t wanna wake him#I guess long story short is I’m more comfy in my car than in my room which is sad but true#not to mention I live in the basement and there’s so many spiders ☹️ if you didn’t know this about me - I’m terrified of spiders!!!!!!!!#thank you so much for the compliment on my art 🥺🥺🥺🥺 I wish I could give you a big hug!!#absolutely no rush trust me I understand not having the cash for extra things (also by the time you’re ready maybe I’ll have more available)#but yeah like I said other than weed (which can be paired with anything tbh 😂) and art - music is my other love#i sing all the time (especially when im alone haha) and one of my fav things to do is watch mouthdropping talented performers#usually they’re broadway based but they can be all types of genres…. I just usually lean towards the ballads#the songs that have lyrics that hit your heart and music that warms your soul - the ones that make me sob uncontrollably 😂#I have a feeling I’m running out of space sooooo enough about me!! how are you?! how was your day?? tell me more about you?!#I noticed you picked the 🎤 …. do you sing??? or did you just randomly pick it?#omg!! I felt your kiss 😳 I’m telepathically sending you kissies right back to you 🥺🥺🥺#thank you for the ask 🥰🥰#I’m shocked I still have room???? like you’re telling me this isn’t 30 tags? ok sounds good#I’m super proud of myself tho#usually I run out of room SO fast and then I get sad cause I either have to redo it or not say everything I wanted to#anyway I hope you have such a wonderful day/night 🥰😘😘#ask#🎤 anon
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NEW YEAR, NEW ME
( A collab with thee lovely lele @bloombabydoll )
If you want to reinvent and rebrand yourself, or just continue to make positive improvements in 2024, the first thing is to evaluate your current year.
EVALUATION
Reflect on how things went for you. Was there continuous growth? Were there many difficult times? Did you discover anything major about yourself and so on. Try to summarise your year in (a) paragraph(s) at least.
Oversee your goals. Which ones you didn’t, did achieve, difficult ones, easy ones and the impacts it had on your life.
Compare your dream girl then and now. Is your visualisation of your life currently different to the one you have now and why?
List any major losses or successes you’ve had in your life, and how they have helped you or why it matters to you.
This evaluation can be as detailed or simple as you like, but as long as you have a decent outline of your year.
PREPARING & PLANNING
To prepare for 2024, you want to know what you want life to be like in 2024. Something realistic to a point, but still is a growth journey.
Think of something that you can associate with 2024. This can be a word, a symbol, art, a song, a book, a movie, a place, or even just all of these things. When you think about your goals and your journey, this is your theme. This is something that should relate to your goals or your dream girl somehow.
For me, I chose a word and a song. My word is growth because, for me, 2023 was a year for just being able to shed my old self which I did achieve however I just felt there wasn’t much growth as an actual person and not just in my environment.
For my song, it is Mayflowers by Proleters and Taskrok. This song is the epitome of what I would imagine, is the most polished mindset. I would say perfect, but having a perfect mindset is near impossible. I want to have a mindset glow up because I’ve just been hard on myself lately which has caused my confidence to plummet.
Before we get into the fun part of the preparation stage, we have to do some organisation in our life. I want you to take a look at your daily lifestyle and your habits, and be completely unashamed about this.
Then categorise these habits into two sections; Leave and Leap. Leave habits are habits that you are leaving behind in 2023, leap habits are habits that are leaping into 2024 with you.
Any habits that are self-destructive, addictive or generally harmful are leave habits. Beneficial habits and self-building are leaping with you into the new year.
I want you to do the same for people in your life, all environments (school, work, online etc) and anything else you believe needs to be sorted out.
This works better if you can reason with yourself why it is a leaping or leaving habit, but don’t try to convince yourself a bad habit is good or vice versa.
Now, I want you to document an honest paragraph about who you are right now. List your bad and good habits, your strengths and weaknesses and your behaviours. This one requires a bit more detail.
Then, write a paragraph about who you will be in 2024, your dream girl. List her habits, lifestyle, behaviours, mindset, strengths and anything else extra. I’ll explain later but do not include materialistic desires in this your dream girl. Once again, this one also requires details.
Stemming from those paragraphs, I want you to create specific and achievable goals. SMART goals are best, but I want to introduce you to how I set goals.
I divide my year into quarters. For each 3 months, I have 3-5 goals for those months. Usually, it’s one from each area of my life. Then, I break down these goals.
Questions and How They Help
Why do I want to do this goal - For motivation and commitment.
How it’ll benefit me - For the sake of improvement.
How can I involve myself in this goal - To achieve your goal.
I prefer this method because it is a lot simpler for me, as I am just a young girl and my bigger goals are more in the future in which I’ll utilise SMART goals.
To create good goals; Make sure they align with your current values and life principles first. Try to avoid creating goals that you have just taken from the internet. Those goals just aren’t it and you most likely won’t follow through with it.
Be specific. Don’t say you want to eat more healthily, instead say you want to include (a certain group of veggies/fruits) in your diet and reduce the intake of ( food/drink).
E.g using eating healthy example
I want to eat healthy -> I want to start including foods that boost my immunity system and support my skin while reducing those that have the opposite effect.
Then break down those quarterly goals into monthly, weekly and daily goals. Make these habits that you can establish in your lifestyle and have a way in which you can refer back to your progress.
EXAMPLE GOAL BREAKDOWN
Quarterly Goal - Read 6 books.
Monthly Goal - Finish 2 books.
Weekly Goal - Be or near half way of one book.
Daily Goal - 20 minutes of reading per day.
AREAS TO SET GOALS IN YOUR LIFE
Academics
Spiritual
Fitness/sport
Health and wellbeing
Mental health
Personal life
Relationships
Hobbies and recreation
Now for the best part- vision boards! Collect all of your favourite images that embody your quarters or the whole year, then put them in one place where you can see them regularly!
Some ideas are a scrapbook, Pinterest boards, mood boards, playlists etc.
Choose your theme; It can be your healthy girl era, your academic come back or whatever you want. You can have more than two btw.
Use quotes! Then actually say them in your daily life as a way to shift your mindset to reflect said quote.
Include inspirational people. It doesn't even have to be a millionaire or a very well established person, it could be your friends or someone on the internet.
Be imaginative. Your vision board doesn't have to realistic in my opinion, as the whole point of it to me is that viewing it daily and considering it to be part of your life one day allows for you to open up to those opportunities.
Materialistic Wants
I feel obligated to make this a separate section. This section is practically tangible objects that you want.
However, when choosing this said object that you want, mindfully think about why you want that thing specifically.
It doesn’t have to be meaningful, but as long as each thing on that list has got a purpose to you, and will serve you, I think it’s all good!
Conclusion
If you want, you can definitely start implementing habits before January. However, I believe that as long as you go into 2024 at least knowing who you want to be and shedding away any limiting beliefs, you’ll be fine.
Make sure to incorporate some self care rituals into your daily life as well✨
To end this, I hope everyone has a very merry Christmas! And that 2024 they will achieve to close that gap with their current selves and their dream girl selves! 💖🙏
#that girl lifestyle#becoming her#becoming that girl#that girl#green juice girl#clean girl#pink pilates princess#pink pilates girl#pink pill#wonyoungism#new year#new me#reinvent yourself#im rebranding#resetting#self worth#self help#self reflection#self growth#self love#self care#self improvement#self development#inner peace#inner work#self reflecting
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Hey I've been observing from afar through your reaction blogging, I haven't been in mcyt as much since the dsmp ended but I still care about a lot of the people in the mcyt circle and I'm interested in what goes on - care to give a rundown of what happened at this twitch rivals thing everyone keeps talking about? (no pressure only if you want to) Aside from the fact I'm sure it was terribly run like most twitch rival events are, but it sounds like there was more to it than that
okay so. i am going to be missing quite a few details because i missed a day myself + my streamer could not care less, so i heavily encourage others to add on stuff i missed
this was a multi-day competition, running for 5 days with prize rewards from 1k to 100k. it started with i think 150 players, with select numbers of people getting eliminated each round. day 1-2 are fairly normal, at least for twitch rivals. of all the games that got played through the whole event, i'd say like 1 was actually good, and maybe 2 were decent, at best. most are bad, poorly-executed, poorly thought out, or just boring in terms of both player enjoy-ability and content creation.
DAY 3 EDIT:
now, sapnap's been sapnap for this entire event already. obnoxious, a bad sport, but most notably, playing DMCA'd songs. the event ran on proximity chat, so while he was unmuted, everyone around him would also be subject to said songs, which could mute vods at worst and terminate accounts at best. most people are fed up with him at this point. while everyone's trying to come up with solutions for the glitch, sapnap spams the discord with useless shit. couriway calls him out in the discord, calling him annoying and obnoxious, then later calling him a cunt in twitch chat. sapnap uses couriway and feinberg's name in his stream title for clickbait and talks shit about them + their friends (hbg/house builder gang). he also makes some weird comment asking if couri is homophobic because sap was talking about having skeppy's dick in his mouth?? or something?? i'm unsure exactly how day 3's issue of the glitch resolved.
day 4 is also your average experience with your usual range of average to horribly painful games. sapnap continues to be a bitch and not take responsibility for his stans attacking anyone in sight, but what else is new
day 5 is. bad. the game set for deciding the final competitors can be cheesed (if you let someone else do all the work, you can punch them in the last second and steal their win) and eliminates like 20 people at once. on top of that, a glitch happens that leaves the server on standby for at least 30 minutes while admins decide what to do. firebreathman sends a picture of a bare naked ass in the discord. someone else sends a photo of their debit card. streamers entertain themselves in various ways, including growing a cactus (fulham), playing osu (purpled), collecting other people's streams for their overlay (fruitberries), playing slime rancher (badboyhalo), and building real-life furniture (couriway). tubbo (who was already eliminated at this point) starts jumping between streams and asking in chat for the tea. the game is eventually replayed, deciding the final 4 players, but it's just as broken and at that point, no one wants to be there anymore. it's revealed through multiple streamers (purpled, i believe also feinberg) that twitch rivals games are not tested before being ran. the only testing done was a stress test to see if the server could handle all original 150-some players. this explains why the games are so bad and poorly organized (some games take over an hour, others barely 30 minutes).
the final four are sapnap, shadoune, sneegsnag, and i think feinberg. it's the most anticlimatic game of connect 4 you can imagine. sneeg eliminates sapnap, and shadoune eliminates fein. notably, fein's game glitches during a throw, which despite being obviously a glitch, the coordinators brush off as being "part of the game". fein and multiple other streamers spend time analyzing every pov frame by frame and all agree that yeah, that was a glitch. shadoune and sneeg are left for the finals. they come to an agreement that this is stupid and a horrible event. tired of this bullshit, they purposefully stall the games and run a podcast for approximately 2 hours, forcing the coordinators to bend to their commands hunger games-style. essentially since the first glitch of the day people were begging twitch to just split the money, something that wouldn't be easy according to tubbo, because everything is pre-signed and delegated before the event. sneeg and shadoune give no fucks, and force the coordinators to split the money anyway, winning the day through the power of friendship. i cannot stress enough how no one wanted to fucking be there by the end of all this.
#muse talk#bumble-punch#ask to tag#aaand scene#i think#this is very long i am sorry. a lot of shit has gone down.
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