#AND i had to come home to my toxic and pressuring family like give me a goddamn break
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another thing i hate about high school movies is them always portraying the bullied kid as the one that gets the highest grades and always focuses on studying, as if any kid who has to spend the day being constantly harrased would devote the limited hours they have away from such a toxic environment on schoolwork
#i was so close to flunking out of hs because i was way too fucking depressed and exhausted from being treated like subhuman all day#AND i had to come home to my toxic and pressuring family like give me a goddamn break#bunny says...
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Number eight with Azriel please!
Hi, love! Here you go. A mishmash of angst, fluff and smut. Hope you enjoy!
Number eight: “I want my mate to tell me where the hell he was. Then he can get his comfort.”
Warnings: Depictions of toxic family relationships. Smut. 🌶️
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“Are you alright?”
A warm hand landed on your arm, the pleasant scent of Mor’s perfume hitting you. The hint of vanilla was a source of comfort, a feeling of home.
Over your shoulder, you offered her a smile that didn’t meet your eyes. Nodded. She saw right through it.
Nobody understood better than she did — what it was like to return to the poison of the Court of Nightmares, where your estranged family lived. It had taken you years to get out of their vitriolic clutches, and the unexpected mating bond between you and the High Lord’s spymaster had been a saving grace; a reason to leave, a place to go. Life had been so colourful and vibrant since he’d taken you to live in Velaris with him; you’d never looked back.
Until tonight.
It had been entirely your choice. You knew nobody would have judged you if you’d chosen to stay behind. But a couple of months earlier, you’d grown sick of feeling useless and idle. You’d asked — begged — Rhysand to give you some sort of official role in his court; something for you to do. He’d been more than happy for you to play courtier, to perhaps even strengthen relations between the Night Court and the Court of Nightmares that had become strained over the years. Yes, you’d insisted, you could do it, and take away that sort of pressure from Mor, too. You’d sooner face your family than she have to face hers.
And perhaps you’d been a tad naive about how easily that might come to you. You’d had confidence in yourself, right up until you’d come face-to-face with your father, your brothers. They’d sneered at you at Azriel’s side and sneered at the Night Court attire you were decked head-to-toe in and sneered at your confidence. And sneered and sneered and sneered.
And suddenly you’d found yourself to be that cowering, tongue-tied victim again. You felt like an utter farce, parading around in such clothes and pretending to be confident. You weren’t sure you’d ever really gotten away from them, or ever really would.
And when your brother had feigned leaning in to kiss your cheek, and had uttered words that had sliced you all over, you’d known — you had failed.
“Whore.” He’d growled, his lip curling at the form-fitting, revealing dress you’d once felt comfortable in. “Mother would be ashamed of you, whore.”
You didn’t know if anybody else around you had heard. But the way your mate had tensed was indication enough that he was on high alert and ready to strike out if necessary. He remained that way for the entire evening.
You turned to face Mor, now, all of you having returned to the Town House. You didn’t bother to force a convincing tone as you answered, “I’m alright.”
“Let’s open some wine.” Her arm linked through yours, and she tried to pull you towards the doors to the kitchen. You planted your feet.
“Where is Az?”
The beautiful blonde pursed her lips, glancing over at Rhys and Cassian, who had also heard your question. You stared between the three of them, awaiting an answer. Your mate was nowhere to be found; had disappeared after setting you down on the doorstep.
“Where’s Azriel?” You repeated.
“He’s probably gone flying — to let off some steam.” Cassian said, not sounding at all convinced by his own words.
You heaved a sigh. What you needed, right now, was your mate with you. To hold you through the echoes of what had been an awful night. His absence was just another horrible layer.
“Come.” Mor tried to pull on your arm again.
“I’m really tired.” You slunk back. “I think I’m just going to head to bed.”
Her gaze swept over you for a moment, before she nodded, leaning in to kiss your cheek. “Sleep well, then.”
It was as you passed Rhys and Cassian that you stopped, utter exhaustion weighing you down.
“When he gets back,” you said, “tell him to just come to bed. Please.”
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Hours passed. You didn’t sleep. Couldn’t. And still Azriel did not return.
You’d settled yourself at the glass doors that opened out onto the balcony, noting that you were as cold there as you had been in your empty bed, without a hard, warm body and wings to warm you. You tugged on that golden, glimmering cord of your bond, waiting for some response. But…nothing. Anxiety bloomed in you like nothing you’d ever felt.
It shaped a little into anger when you finally glimpsed a passing black form and, moments later, heard the front door opening and shutting downstairs. Relief was a weak flame snuffed out by irritation. Perhaps a little bit of hurt.
You caught the deep tenor of the three male voices below, deliberately lowered to make their words indiscernible. Perhaps it was that which snapped your tether and had you pushing to your feet. If he wasn’t going to come up and speak to you right away, give you some sort of explanation as to why he’d taken off and blocked you out, you would go to him and demand the answer.
You shucked a robe on, practically ripping your bedroom door off its hinges. There was a pause in the murmurs below, and you knew Rhys, Cassian and Azriel had all heard you leave your room and were awaiting your appearance. You hoped your footsteps padding loudly down the stairs were warning enough that you weren’t happy.
As you appeared in the doorway to the sitting room, all three males looked up. Azriel’s eyes swept over you — your nightgown and robe — and he looked just about ready to jump up and shield you from sight. You held a hand up, cutting that thought off before it could properly form.
“Don’t even start with the territorial male bullshit.” You said coldly. “No one’s staring at my tits.”
Both Cassian and Rhys cleared their throats, very deliberately making sure that their gazes were anywhere but on you. Azriel’s jaw ticked as you turned to him.
“Where have you been?” You demanded.
He said nothing, his eyes boring into yours. You raised an eyebrow in expectation, but it was Cassian who spoke up.
“…it’s been a long, tense night for everyone.” He reasoned. “Visiting the Court of Nightmares is never a pleasant experience. What you both need right now is each other’s comfort. Surely you just want to forget about tonight and—”
“I want my mate to tell me where the hell he was.” You snapped, not tearing your eyes from Azriel. “Then he can get his comfort.”
Cassian slunk back in seat, raising his eyebrows as he lifted his glass to his lips, drained it, and then reached for the bottle. You folded your arms over your chest, waiting.
Finally, Azriel shrugged. “I went back to the Hewn City to have a catch-up with my wonderful brother-in-law.”
You clenched your jaw. “Why.”
“Because he’s a cunt.”
You almost flinched at the utter venom in his tone. He was always soft-spoken, always guarded, precise and measured in the words he used. It wasn’t like him to just…let his anger speak for him.
“I didn’t ask you to do that.” You stared at him. “Why would you—”
“Nobody talks to — or about — my mate like that.” He seethed. “Nobody.”
So he’d heard exactly what your brother had said. And he’d bided his time — before striking.
And of course, a part of you, somewhere beneath the anger, adored him even more for it. But it would just make things worse in the long run. It would make it harder for you to return to the Hewn City and represent the Night Court without your family seeing it as their personal mission to terrorise you whenever they could. You’d left to get away from that. To grow.
“So…what?” You shrugged. “You killed him?”
Azriel stared at you, his eyes molten. “I could have done, you know. The Mother knows, I wanted to. But that kill is yours, should you ever want it. I just took the time to remind him that his death could come a lot sooner if he chooses to disrespect you like that.”
“You had no right, Azriel—”
“He called you a—”
“I know precisely what he called me. What he said.” You spat. “I grew up around it. I’m used to it. But you’ve gone and made it worse.”
Az’s jaw clenched. “How.”
“Do you know what they think?” A lump formed in your throat that you swallowed down hard. “They think me weak and foolish. They think you seduced me away from them. They think that I was brought to the Night Court merely to service you, and Cassian and Rhys.”
You took a shuddering breath, your eyes pricking with tears. “And those thoughts? I couldn’t care less about them. They’re pathetic, and they mean nothing to me. But I do care that they think I’m weak. I care that they think me too much of a pathetic, cowering female to speak up for myself, because I’m not.”
Azriel’s eyes softened. “I know you’re not.”
“But by dealing with my brother on my behalf, you’ve only confirmed that for them. It’ll only make it ten times worse the next time I visit.”
You could see understanding dawning in his eyes. And a rational part of you knew that he’d acted on the carnal impulse of a male protecting his mate — that he hadn’t stopped to think about any of this. That he loved you.
But you…you couldn’t give over to that rationality right now. Not when you were still so angry, still so shaken by what had happened. You didn’t blame Azriel for wanting to protect you; to act without speaking to you first, however, made you feel as weak as your family thought you to be.
You wiped your tears away, shaking your head. “I’m going to bed.”
“I’ll come with you—”
“No.” You turned. “Stay and enjoy your drink.”
The words hit their mark, and you saw the scathing hurt in his eyes as he slumped back. You’d probably regret it later.
But in that moment, you were too tired to care.
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Despite your exhaustion, sleep didn’t find you properly. You drifted in and out fitfully, every little noise seeming to jolt you awake. Every single time, you found yourself glancing over to the empty space beside you.
You weren’t sure how long you lay there for, but your anger steadily morphed into loneliness, and trying to sleep without Az curled around you left you feeling as empty and cold as arguing with him had. You hated fighting with him.
And you knew he’d meant well. That he’d just been defending you because he loved you. Already, you were wishing you hadn’t been so hard on him.
You jerked awake again as you heard the door slowly creak open. You watched through heavy eyes as Azriel filed in, making a conscious effort to be as quiet as possible — before noticing you were awake.
He studied you for just a moment, and then dragged his feet to the end of the bed. He slumped down onto his front, his long body stretching from the foot of the bed, right up to where you lay. You watched, allowing him to slot himself between your legs. He rested his head on your belly.
“I’m sorry.” He murmured, pressing a kiss against it. He gazed up at you through thick, dark lashes. “Really sorry.”
You breathed a soft sigh, your hand reaching out to brush strands of hair from his face. “I’m sorry, too.”
“What could you possibly have to be sorry for?”
You shrugged. Your fingers toyed absentmindedly with his hair as you said, “I shouldn’t have been so hard on you. I know you were only defending me.”
“I was blinded by my own rage at your brother, though. I should have thought more about how you felt. You must never, ever think yourself weak. You’re the furthest thing from it.”
A soft smile played on your lips. Az’s chin dug into your lower belly as he peered up at you, his fingers brushing indolent circles on your outer thighs. Your own eyes were hooded as you stared back at him — your mate. You loved him so ferociously.
He hadn’t even thought twice about defending you, even against a baseless insult.
“I really am sorry.” He pressed another kiss to the soft skin of your belly, the muscles there contracting at the sensation. “It’s such an honour for me to defend you that I sometimes forget you don’t need me to.”
“Don’t get me wrong, Az.” You watched him — watched his nose graze the silk of your nightgown. “I love it when you stand up for me. And had that been anyone else, I would have left you to it. But with them, it’s just…complicated. I suppose I still feel like I have something to prove.”
“You don’t. But it’s going to take time for you to realise that.” His tongue poked out, licking the fabric of the indentation where your belly button was. “You know, don’t you? That what your brother said was ridiculous. The only people your mother would feel disappointed in are them.”
Your breath hitched at the sensation of his tongue moving through the fabric. You tried to stay your thoughts, to remain on subject. “I…I know.”
“You’re incredible.” He shifted down, pulling your nightgown up as he did. “Beautiful.” He pressed a kiss to your now-exposed navel. “Strong.”
The cold air of the room brushed over your bare sex, and you jerked as Az nuzzled his face against your fine dusting of hair just above. He grazed his lips there, breathing in your scent.
“Why don’t you come to bed?” You breathed, brushing his hair back. “It’s late. You must be tired.”
“Mm.” He hummed. “After I’ve apologised.”
You had no objections as he finally dipped his head, levelling his face with the very centre of you. His eyes flicked up momentarily to meet yours, and then he dove in.
Your head fell back, a low moan escaping you as his tongue swiped out and licked a stripe right up you, from your entrance, up, up to your clit. He kissed the area first, his lips a sensuous scrape against the sensitive nub of nerves. Your hips lifted off the bed, and he slid his hand up, pressing them back down.
“I love you.” He breathed the words onto the damp heat of you — a place he had worshipped time and time before, and would continue to do so as the world and its stories changed around you.
“I love you too.” You breathed, and another moan broke from your throat as his tongue swirled around your clit. “Gods, Az.”
You felt him smile against you, and you utterly melted into the bed as he began his expert worship of your body, always knowing which areas drew which sensations from you, which touches had you moaning the loudest.
His tongue built up its pace, working at your clit as he slipped a hand down, gathering up your wetness on his fingers. He slipped one into you, pumping a few times, curling it inside you, and you gasped.
“Another?” He murmured against you, teeth grazing just slightly.
A small whimper left you. “Yes. Yes.”
And so he slipped a second finger in, and you were happy to give over to every sensation in your body as he began to pump in and out, his fingers moving in tandem with his tongue. Tension coiled low in your stomach, a dull, pleasant ache that was building and building until your legs were trembling.
“Az.” You groaned, hips lifting again. “Fuck, I’m gonna…”
“Take it.” He lapped at you, lapped and lapped as if he might never get another taste. “Take everything you need. Cum for me.”
Only a few more thrusts of his fingers, a few more strokes of his tongue, and you were tumbling off that precipice into place of weightless elation, stars bursting in your eyes, your ears ringing, your body shaking. Az continued to lick and stroke you through it all, murmuring encouraging, soothing words.
And when the force of your climax subsided, and you were utterly spent, he pulled his fingers out of you. Sucked your wetness from them. And then climbed up the bed to lay beside you.
He was very clearly hard as a rock, the outline of his straining cock visible. You made to reach for him, but he gently took your hand.
“No.” He said softly. “This was about you. We have tomorrow. And the day after that.” He leaned down, kissing your head. “And all the ones after that. But now it’s time for sleep.”
You didn’t protest as he lay properly beside you, tugging you against him and pulling the blankets around you. His fingers laced through yours, both your hands resting on your stomach.
“I’m so proud of you.” He whispered into the darkness, kissing the nape of your neck. “So fucking proud.”
You smiled, relaxing into him. Closed your eyes.
You were just drifting off as you heard him murmur, beneath his breath:
“My mate. My entire world.”
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So I lay in your arms and pretend that it's love | trevor zegras.
based off olivia rodrigo's song- scared of my guitar!
trevor x singer nameless oc!
not too sure if i wanna do gif's or pictures like that above..trying something new out (:
word count: 2.3k+
warnings: tbh, she's toxic...pls dont be like her.
─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──
◦
Perfect, easy, so good to me
So why's there a pit in my gut in the shape of you?
Distract myself, say it's somethin' else
Maybe I'm just overwhelmed, maybe I'm confused
◦
for around 11 months it was pure bliss...the two of them everywhere and anywhere. onlookers looked on with smiles and hushed whispers about how 'in love' they were. the two of them moved quickly in their relationship, but nobody found anything weird with it based on how their friends watched them and how they spoke about one another in the media when asked. trevor loved bringing home flowers whenever he came back from a roadie, or just because he felt like it. he showered her with gifts from the get-go as her own life was beginning to fill with riches, as her music career took off.
but once the 1 year mark was coming closer and closer, she began to feel a sense of dread. a sense of anxiety and fear, she hadn't had before. whenever she heard his name in passing or whenever somebody asked her about him, she'd freeze and stutter; not sure what to exactly say. or what was weirder, was that she spent more and more time at her apartment in la and not at his newport house...claiming that the record label was hounding her for an album and she was working day and night, like a dog. she did whatever she could in order to not think about him may it be hanging with friends, driving up and down the coast to san diego to visit family and taking spur of the moment trips with her friends. and when people asked her what was wrong or what she was thinking about, she'd always say 'work' and every white lie that came with that topic.
but when she see's trevor sporadically, she understands why she fell in love with him in the first place. he's charming, relentlessly nerdy, incredibly kind and respectful; all of which she adores. and while basking in that feeling for a bit of time, she feels guilty about how her feelings change when she's not with him. she then chalks it up to work, and how much pressure the label is giving her. so maybe just maybe, she'll stick it out with trevor.
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Barely sleep when you sleep next to me
But I keep thinkin' I'll find a cure
I say that I'm fine, I tell you all the time
I've never felt so happy and sure
◦
shortly after their one year, as she stays with trevor about once or twice a week, she can't help but toss and turn all night. claiming she's just stressed and overly exhausted, and he buys it all. he buys all her, "I've never been happier" or "I've never felt so sure about something in my entire life". he buys the, "once im done with the album ill move in with you." too, yet she knows they wont last. that sickening and dreadful feeling that keeps her up at night.
she goes to all of these lengths just to keep her heart from collapsing and her conscious from crumbling above her, and yet she knows right from wrong. she know's that the one that would be hurt the most is him.
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But I'm so scared of my guitar'
Cause it cuts right through to the heart
Yeah, it knows me too well so I got no excuse
I can't lie to it the same way that I lie to you
◦
but then when she sits down to write and come up with the chords for a song, she cant help but cry. everything becoming too much for her, her closest friends and producer seeing right through her. her music speaking the words, she can't help but think but not say. she knows that if she lies in a song, she'd be betraying her heart and her soul. her music being her lifelong love and escape, would truly affect her relationship with it.
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So I lay in your arms and pretend that it's love
◦
around a year and five months, she stopped writing. she stopped playing her guitar until the early morning hours. she stopped recording, citing that she was dealing with some personal issue. once the acknowledgment of 'oh shit, i need to break things off- soon' hit her mind one day during a writing session, she knew she couldn't write or sing until she did just that. and so she made her way down the coast to newport to do just that, but when she walked inside she saw a doe-eyed and blissful trevor in her midst. she crumbled right then and there, allowing him to make their way to the bedroom. she laid in his arms, not being able to fall asleep once again; and reminding herself that she loved trevor .. or at least needed to remind herself more. was it though? at least on her part?
◦
I was ravin', no boy like you
I had the nerve to just stop stringin' you all along
But I'm not half as decent as you
I'd rather be tied to someone, even if they're wrong
◦
trevor was the guy, she thought when they first met. she thought that they were end game and would go to the absolute ends of the galaxy to believe that, to show and make people believe it too. and after some point, she felt guilty about stringing him along and talking about their future plans together. another morning she stopped by abruptly on her way from san diego, she knew she had to break things off with him. yet when she arrived at his place, she found him making breakfast and the brightest smile she hadn't seen in awhile. he went along and continued with his breakfast but not before making a cup of coffee for her and a extra serving of his breakfast for her. before leading her over to the dining room table and held her hand as they ate. guilt crept up her spine as she looked at him, talking about something that had happened on a road trip and she felt a pang in her heart. she was a coward. rather than break the band aid and say what she'd wanted to say for months now...she let him continue to speak.
he was a better person than she was, she thought. he would have ended things a long time ago if he'd felt what she'd felt or thought. he wouldn't have continued to string her along. he was a good person like that. but her? she was half the person he was, he was a good person with good intentions. the culprit?
she didn't want to be alone.
◦
I make excuses, my friends know the truth is
I'm not as alright as I claim
I say that I'm fine, I tell them all the time
As they watch all the life fade away
◦
the life was draining from her and her friends watched as it did. she was hiding herself away in her los angeles apartment, shortly after she stopped writing. they were all rightfully concerned with her mental health and wouldn't take the 'im fine's!" she hurled at them time and time again. they even reached out to trevor and even he could not get her to come out of her shell. though, he never got the full story of why she was like that. he dropped around unannounced before and after practice, sometimes staying the night but most times slipping out after she'd fallen asleep. but not without a soft kiss to her temple, and tiptoeing out. his family and friends grew concerned when he opted to stay in newport for the offseason. by the offseason, she'd gone back into the studio and pushed through. the studio eating up whatever she had written, and loved it all.
◦
I pretend that it's love, love
'Cause what if I never find anything better?
The doubt always creeps through my mind
So we'll stay together 'cause how could I ever
Trade somethin' that's good for what's right?
◦
with no end in sight, she continued to push through with the relationship, trying to get back to how things were before when she was without a doubt, happy and in love. when trevor does finally leave the sunshine state to go visit family and friends, she stays up thinking about her and trevor's future. would she find anybody better than him? would she find the love that they shared early in their relationship? would she find somebody almost as arrogantly confident? somebody with an infinite passion for what they do? their (affectionately) dumb friends who adored her? and somebody with a zest for life? her journals filled to the brim that summer with what had been eating her up inside.
when trevor comes back right before the season begins, he take's her out to malibu one early morning before the sunrise. she was groggy and tired from the night before, and so when she was awoken abruptly she groaned; trying to desperately to go back to bed. trevor said that he wanted to go for a sunrise and she hummed, thinking he'd go by himself. but instead, he tickled her enough to wake her up and she dreaded getting out of bed. they drove up to malibu that September 2nd, and held one another as he wrapped his arms around her from behind. he bit the inside of his cheek, body filled with nerves and anxiety. he whispered her name to begin with, and in the most trevor and most un trevor way, he proposed. she turned around to see him with tears in his eyes and visible anxiety washed over his features. she smiled softly feeling the inside of her scream to say no and beg her to leave the life she grown used to the past mere months. her smile grew wider and faker, as she said yes. trevor had gotten her dream ring from new york, and she gushed as he pulled it out. tears swelled her eyes as she felt her heart tug at the effort he'd made for her. she was going to show him the same effort as well, even if it hurt her to no end.
◦
her record label demanded an ep of some new songs they knew she undoubtedly had written after she got engaged. her album release was a massive success, going #1 and platinum in many countries. her career was reaching new heights and she was engaged? she was the it girl everybody wanted to be. yet she felt so very far from it, but kept that signature smile on at all times.
she felt herself buy into the idea of marrying trevor when she saw how excited her family was when they showed up to a private dinner the very evening of her album released. they gushed and gushed over the ring and endless possibilities her and trevor could have together. she saw how good both of their families bonded and got along with one another. she could feel the pride and gratitude that oozed off of trevor that night. he loved - no absolutely adored this life the universe had bespoked upon him. the singer was just another addition. he thought he had everything before they met, but when he saw her get absolutely hammered at a party they were both invited to; he was enamored. the grace she carried herself with when dancing, talking, singing and most importantly; the love she oozed for her friends was intoxicating. he could not and never wanted to get enough of it.
the look he gave her that night was one she'd never, ever forget in this lifetime. it was how all girls wished to be looked at. the one that would spare nothing to make their partner happy. the one where you know they'd go to the ends of the earth for you and with you. it was as if she hung the moon and the stars for him.
who would pass that up?
◦
I let the thought in, it's already done
◦
she brought into the idea of going through with the wedding after the release party and found herself immersed in wedding planning. she found herself non stop traveling with trevor that summer, after a serious playoff run. she found herself thinking of their future together because lets be honest, it was there. and she couldn't help but get excited just a bit when trevor had said, that she was going to be most beautiful bride and future mom to ever grace this planet. she looked at him through the mirror and again that look, captivated and brought her in.
◦
But I lay in your arms and pretend that it's love
Yeah, I lay in your arms and pretend it's enough
◦
their wedding was a dream. an absolute dream. hollywood and hockey royalty showed up and showed out. the wedding of all weddings. they danced the night away to taylor swift. then as a surprise, trevor and his groomesman shamelessly, did a group dance to one of her upbeat songs as she sat there blushing like a fool, covering her face in embarrassment. they spent the night basking in everybody's presence, the singer not having a second to spare a second thought about what was going to be coming in the next few months. she knew that the world and everybody in their lives would be asking about kids and what not. yet, she pushed that towards the back of her mind. she played the role of a loving and adoring newlywed. she smiled to the camera's as if there was no tomorrow. her friends actually believing that she was happy and that she had found her way back to trevor. and in a way, that was true. she felt stuck with no way out.
the couple retreated back to the ritz carlton new york hotel suite, with a bottle of very expensive champagne, thin slice pizza and new york cheesecake. after stuffing their faces in between making out, the two fell asleep. or at least trevor did. the singer looked up at the ceiling, wide awake and unable to sleep. she had played the part this long...what was another ten?
─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──
umm....sorry about that! part two is coming at some point because i wanna hurt myself even more lmao...
please like and reblog if you did and id love to hear your thoughts too!
tags: @cuttergauthier @zegrasbabyyy @hockeyboysarehot @slafgoalskybaby @sc0tters @sweetestdesire @jayda12 @starshine-hockey-girl @cellythefloshie
#trevor zegras#trevor zegras x oc#trevor zegras x reader#trevor zegras blurb#trevor zegras fic#trevor zegras imagine#anahiem ducks#hockey#nhl#hcckey blurb#nhl blurb#hockey fic#nhl fic#nhl imagine#hockey imagine
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Can i request a comfort fluffy fic with Scarlett Johansson x f!reader? reader being extremely stressed out about finding a new job , work, school and her toxic life at home(since reader still lives with her family even though reader desperately does want to move out of her parents house and not using Scarlett as the main reason to). Reader is just so tired and beat down that she just wishes to be a housewife.
Housewife
Being a college student nowadays sucked. Everybody put so much pressure on you and overloaded you with work online that you barely had time for a break.
In addition to that you’re family put even more pressure on you and didn’t even get along so you could concentrate. They were always screaming and throwing stuff around until you couldn’t contain yourself anymore.
So every time you had to learn you made your way over to your girlfriends, Scarlett, even when she wasn’t there. It wasn’t uncommon for her to enter the house and be surprised when she saw you at the table clearly frustrated.
She hated days like today, where she found you sitting at the table, your eyes red from crying and a frown evident from the frustration. “Hello my love. Are you alright?” She asked carefully as she made her way behind you. “Hi babe” you mumbled trying to understand your notes while Scarlett messaged your shoulders.
“What’s wrong? Cmon talk to me” you sighed and turned to her. She sat next to you and waited for your answer. “I can’t do all of this anymore, school, my family, all this pressure… it’s getting to much. I can’t even take care of our relationship anymore” you cried out burying your face into you hands. “Lovely, why didn’t you tell me sooner? We can find you a tutor and we can find a solution with your family”. It hurt the blind to see you like this, so hurt and overwhelmed.
“Scar, you don’t get it. I do not want to and I cannot anymore. It’s too much, I just wanna stay home and take care of the house and the people” you told her silent tears running down your face.
To be honest, Scarlett was in love with the idea of coming home to you every night and being able to spoil you while you could take care of her. But she didn’t want you to depend on her, you should be able to life on your own, just in case.
“My love, I’m sorry I didn’t realize all of this sooner but I think I’ve got an idea.” She told you and pulled you into her lap where you buried your head into the crook of her neck finally feeling home. “How about you move in with me and as soon as you have your degree you can be a house wife… my house wife” you couldn’t contain your excitement and pressed your lips to hers in a row of kisses.
“Are you sure it’s okay if I move in with you? I don’t have any money I could really give you” you suddenly were concerned but your girlfriend was quick to deal with them. “I don’t want any money! I only want more time with you and for you to be alright” she insisted. “God, I love you” you mumbled against her lips.
The next day you told your family that you were moving out. And the day after that your friends and your girl helped you move your things.
You got a tutor and finished your degree as soon as you could. And as soon as you were out of school? You loved being a housewife while sometimes freelancing. Scarlett treated you like a queen and you did the same to her.
You’ve never been happier and she hasn’t been either
#reader insert#marvel#marvel x you#natasha romanoff#natasha romanoff x reader#brooooswriting#natasha romanoff x you#marvel x reader#scarlett johansson x reader#scarlett johansson x you#scarlett johansson
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Mycelium and Mexican Gothic
While sitting and listening to music, I got thinking about Mexican Gothic by Silvia Moreno-Garcia. Over the past few days, I have been ruminating on what I'd like to write about regarding this story and how it has affected me. Typically, my process for writing essays, formal or informal, involves a lot of black tea and annotating. Today, inspired by Hozier and Noah Khan, I want to have a brief interpretation/contemplation of a single topic instead: mushrooms being a metaphor for toxic family dynamics in Mexican Gothic.
SPOILERS AHEAD IF YOU HAVE NOT READ THIS NOVEL!
(Also, this is highly summarized because I am a creature fueled by caffeine and chaos and can't be bothered right now. Please forgive any errors).
Taking place in the isolated mountains of Mexico's countryside, Mexican Gothic points a crooked and mishappen finger at the horrors lying beneath the Doyle family's history and home. Noemi, the protagonist of the story, arrives to the Doyles' house to call into question the care of her cousin, Catalina, who has been sending frantic and incoherent letters about voices and apparitions since moving into her English husband's home. As Noemi spends time with the Doyle family, and her cousin, she begins to unravel more of their secrets. Eventually she becomes so deeply involved that, before she knows it, she is taken prisoner.
Now there is a patriarchal element to this novel that I find fascinating. The Doyles' are made immortal by becoming hosts for "The Gloom" a conscious mushroom network that has inhabited thier bodies, home, and minds for centuries. The Gloom controls the house and thier minds, but it is Howard Doyle, the patriarchal figure, who physically and spiritually controls his family. God-like in power, he has been ingesting these mushrooms for hundreds of years. So, to maintain his power, and in return for making his family immortal, they must give up thier lives, bodies, and offspring to him when necessary for the most henious reasons.
Like a snake, he stays alive by sliding from body to body, consciousness to consciousness, and he cannot be stopped. Meanwhile, those he takes over are completely erased from existence or thier consciousness remains trapped in The Gloom. They become an echo... A phantom in the house they have lived and died in for the rest of time. All in the name of tradition and family.
This is a great allegory of how family, tradition, and generational trauma can affect the living. Our bodies store memories from hundreds of years ago, and whether we know it or not, feel it or not, our family members have weaved their genetic memories into our bodies. We are a mycelium of memories. It is in our blood and stretches out to those joining our families and learning our customs.
Of course, at least I hope, most of the time this is not in a creepy The Last of Us kind of way, but in a loving and grounding ancestral kind of way. I believe there is always more good than bad. However, regardless of patriarchal or matriarchal themes, this novel does an excellent job of illuminating the expectations children feel pressured to meet (in the most extreme way) to please/satiate a parental or authority figure. It's also an incredibly creepy and interesting way to examine the lengths families, even unrelated groups of people, will go to preserve a way of life. Even when it goes against everything they stand for morally and physically.
I also wondered to myself, why mushrooms? Lately in popular culture we are seeing a rise of mushroom media, and although humankind has always had a certain reverence for them, this novel along with shows like The Last of Us call into question where this circulated fear of being taken over by mushrooms comes from. I don't have an answer for this, but it is a dynamic question to contemplate.
Why do we fear being taken over by nature? Is it our physical minds we fear losing, or our autonomy in the abstract? Would we even notice it was happening, or would we find out too late like Noemi in Mexican Gothic? Could we escape even after we were captured?
I don't know. But what I do know is if any of these themes strike your fancy check out this brilliant novel. It truly had me on the edge of my seat all night.
**If you are interested in this story, please note that it is a gothic novel and has many triggering themes surrounding gore, sexual content, and horror. Always do research before reading if you are unsure :) Stay safe out there.
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My life after Void state/law of assumption
Hey everyone,so as you all know I have manifested my dream life a long time ago but these few last days smth amazing happened to me that I never even knew I needed in my life.....I moved in with my boyfriend and I feel even more fulfiled 😍❤️🙌
Plus I realised that I don't want to get a job or study, first of all bc I have manifested coming from a millionaire family so I always have millions with me and second of all bc I don't like testing one thing or working like a "slave" just to say that I am working (cause you know still many People decide to get a job bc they don't want to be labeled as lazy)
Since I learnt about the law my confidence sky rocked and apart from that , when I entered the void and actually saw full "big" results for the first time in my life, everything has been so perfectly perfect since then uggh so I just wanted to make a post about my life,smth like a diary so I can motivate others and also keep it as a sweet memory when I look back on my blog😭😍🙌😚
Life is not too good to be true,its actually too good and it's true !!! I live in a beautiful cozy home with my lovely man 😍,he takes good care of me,we sleep together,make love to each other,we go out together we cuddle a lot we cook together we dance together, I've met his family, I'm deeply close with my bestie, I have a perfect supportive open-minded happy stylish beautiful and healthy family, I have my desired surname, I revised my grades, I graduated school and now due to being a millionaire I won't ever have to study or work in my life instead I will have fun spending my money on vacation etc, I have the prettiest clothes accessories makeup products shoes etc,when I'm bored to cook or to do ny makeup I manifest it being done on it's own, I feel gratitude daily, I wake up seeing at my man staring at me and kissing my neck softly and going through my hair, I go to fun parks pretty often, I meet kind hearted humans, I have long healthy jet black silky hair, I smell like vanilla and cherry naturally I'm hairless I have pouty round pink smooth lips I am short and cute I have tanned skin and rosy cheeks I have big black sparkly eyes with long blank lashes I have defined brows I have clear glass soft skin I have Loren Gray's exact face shape/size, I have white straight teeth,my nose looks like a fairy nose and my feet is cute tiny and pretty 🦋 I don't have any pressure or toxicity surrounding my life, I'm not religious anymore,my self concept is lit and I manifest instantly, I'm always calm, I am super talented I run fast I'm photogenic and videogenic I can speak the languages that I like I have the most amazing fighting skills I am the best singer and dancer my makeup always looks on fleek I never had an unwanted past I see my loved ones being happy healthy and safe like they don't even get a cold and overall I feel so good with the life that I"created"🙌😭❤️💞😊follow your dreams and don't give up, you got this,the 4d should be your centre of attention
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CONTENT WARNING
Mentions of miscarriage, possible financial abuse, religion in places it shouldn’t be, maternal mortality.
I see the way most men parent and I think “why would you pressure your wife/girlfriend into having kids that you’re going to ignore?” The more time I’ve spent in the family dynamic of my mother’s boyfriend, it is being made very clear that in his head, women are just here to make children. He has about 6-7 children (I do not know because I have yet to meet them all) and he just gives money. His children come over and yet it is my mother, his eldest daughter or me, who is made responsible for the younger boys while he goes to work or soccer. Not only do I believe dynamics like these are because of the patriarchy/misogyny but I also believe they are a result of capitalism (in all of its stages) and affect the health and wellbeing of women negatively.
Most men see women as a vessel for children. This has been made clear by both my observations of individual heterosexual relationships and my knowledge of women’s access to contraceptives or abortion in North America. On the topic of the heterosexual relationships that I have witnessed, I will use the ones I am around most often, my grandparents and my mother and her boyfriend. My grandparents had their children in the eighties, my grandmother was a stay at home mom and my grandpa went out and made money. At the time of having her first child, she had no access to contraception (or no knowledge of it ) and no access to safe abortion. Therefore, the only answer was to get married. She had four daughters and an angel baby. After the loss, she had her tubes tied. While raising her family she had no say in where they lived or what her husband did with the money, she just had to be a homemaker. Obviously, this was normal for her culture and time but looking at it through a modern lens, it is a sad and lonely life. My mother’s boyfriend does something similar. He isolates her. They only go out with his friends or do what he wants. They live in a bachelor style basement apartment. She was on birth control that was causing major health issues and instead of him wearing a condom and her stopping it, she decided to keep it on (birth control patch) and suffer silently. She still got pregnant despite the patch and he said she had to keep it. She had no say in what to do with her own body or life. She was trapped, not having the financial resources to leave. After Christmas, she lost the babies to which he said something like: “just pray, it’s in God’s hands” because he somehow believed that would bring back the already decomposing fetuses. Not only was this a traumatic experience for my mom but around the same time her dad almost died and her boyfriend was the biggest burden in trying to go see him or do anything for my grandmother.
Parenting for a lot of men, especially in modern times involves either being the parent to punish children (the scary parent) or just giving money. There doesn’t seem to be an emotional aspect. In recent years there’s been an ever more common “baby mama” dynamic in families, it has always existed but it just seems to be more prevalent now. Men will have children with a woman, sometimes children she doesn’t even want and leave her for another woman and do the same thing repeatedly until they either kick the bucket or get married and ultimately cheat on their wife. This is incredibly toxic for everyone involved. These men then go on to have booming careers and everything they want in life while the woman is stuck taking care of his kid(s) that he sees for at most five days a month. On the days they do have their kids they will do the absolute most, post about it on social media and get praise from their friends but behind closed doors tell their children “I only have to love you every two weeks!”. I am giving this opinion from two perspectives, the child and the observer. In the position of the child, it is magical when you’re younger because you get to have a sleepover at daddy’s apartment and eat candy and go to the arcade but as you get older you hear what your parents say about each other and you feel like a burden to both. From the side of the observer, I see that the kids don’t get to actually bond with their father or have a second parental figure most of the time. He is more so viewed like how you would view an uncle or cousin than a father. There is no possible way for you to have more than 3 kids with different mothers and give them all equal opportunities and attention.
Dynamics like these are the result of the patriarchy and capitalism. “In a patriarchal society, women are excluded from fully participating in political and economic life” (simply psychology). This point is made especially true for women with children. With the baby mama dynamic, the woman is giving all her financial resources to raising the child and the man is giving a set amount per month which is barely enough to feed the child most times. Women are already paid less than men in North America and other parts of the world but now add being the sole provider for children that you originally didn’t want and were pressured into having. The average cost of raising a child up to 18 in Canada is $293,000, that is almost $300k that could have been spent on education, housing, retirement, etc. In “traditional” dynamics, the man is the breadwinner and the woman stays home to raise the children. The woman has no work experience or money of her own which in the event of an emergency gives her a huge disadvantage. Furthermore, these issues go hand in hand with capitalism because patriarchy and capitalism go hand in hand. Both are built under the traditional model of men going to work and women staying home. But what about now? Nowadays, women have to go to work and then come home to do more, now unpaid, labour. While men get to come home from work, relax, play video games and participate in other hobbies, women come home to cook dinner, help the kids with homework, clean the house, etc. In this dynamic, the woman is exploited entirely for her body and labour, by both her boss and her husband/boyfriend. Many women feel that their male partner does not equally contribute to responsibilities in the home (American Psychological Association).
Finally all of these things combined negatively affect the health of women. Women risk their health with every pregnancy and birth. Many complications can arise that are so much more common than people think. In Canada 3-20% of women develop gestational diabetes (Diabetes Canada). The USA has a scary maternal mortality of 32.5 for every 100,000 births according to the CDC (all age groups included but the older, the higher the risk). This informal essay was not meant to discourage having children but to inform anyone reading the effects of having children that aren’t always talked about.
https://www.simplypsychology.org/patriarchal-society-feminism-definition.html#:~:text=In%20a%20patriarchal%20society%2C%20women,home%20(Nash%2C%202009).
#radblr#radical feminism#radical feminist safe#terfsafe#radical feminists do interact#terfblr#girlblogging#this is a girlblog#black feminism#pro lifers just want control#pro choice#anti capitalism#anti patriarchy#pro women#misandry#why do men#informal essay
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6️⃣SUDRIANVERSE:HAPPY LATE 6/6 DAY!!6️⃣
Have:
Percy Avonside
Lord Harry Patrick Barrane
Andreas Roldan Guerrero Hidalgo Hunslet
I legit thought he was number 6 until I went back to his series and it’s actually 2 welp I’m dumb so here’s he’s msr #6 xD
Duncan Barclay (I’m so very sorry sweetie I didn’t finished you)
rambling time:
alright I knew I wanted my percy to be inspired by raggedy Ann dolls specifically the hairstyle and the overalls, I gave him a scarf 🧣 to represent “a scarf for Percy” episode and of course they’re little hat with the sodor mail logo and her mailbag with their whistle and lucky bell as keychains (I forgot to to draw them but say it’s behind her back) 🔔 I was gotta decorate her boots more but I it slipped out my mind and I was originally gotta make them red. Of course they have their pins on their bag a bear pin for “wooly bear” a butterfly 🦋 for aeg (I know I know people still don’t like it please don’t come after me) and their gender-fluid and pan pride pin.
Patrick or Harry was the easiest to be honest like nearly all of my cfr designs was mainly inspired by glowynviator except I added some minor changes like an orange scarf 🧣 his boots and pants color change and design and he got classy pristine gloves and earrings and of course a pompadour which is fitting for his nature (I know it’s looks like wally darling xD that’s the idea 💡)
long rant on stuff cause it gets dark on some parts and cause Duncan and Andreas’s storyline takes place
Andreas I was originally searching up Argentinan fashion for him cause he’s afro Argentinan in my human au cause his basis was sent there but it was formal dress wear so I went with that along with fancy British style cause my Andreas comes from old money an wealthy family and he totally shows off like Gordon he’s also got a cape jacket like him but I couldn’t decide which one cause I did so many of them I’ll post them later and maybe do a poll on it even though knowing me I’ll use all of them haha
(Gordon 🤝 Andreas they r besties they gossip have coffee and Gordon was the first standard guage driver to visit Andreas in the hospital 🏥 after the accident this does apply for Alfred as well but he’s was a prick and he and Andreas got into arguments) and also like Gordon has his own fair share of toxic dysfunctional relationships ridiculously high standards and the pressure to be perfect though unlike Gordon Andreas was originally engaged through an arranged marriage by his family mainly his abuelo which secretly stressed about it for he had no feelings for her and if he was honest never felt attracted towards girls even though he was well liked and known and popular and that his stomach often churns at the thought the same goes with more intimate activities that he doesn’t really wish to have children at least not yet and gosh-
Like y’all (his main inspiration was Encanto Isabela and her family I guess you can say he’s a genderbent version as despite his own emotions thoughts and fears he was determined to not frightened of disappointing his family and being the golden child and the oldest (he’s meant to be a foil to Gordon and Alfred who are meant to be parallels to one another’s it’s complicated) he’s very grateful he managed to convince his abuelo to let him have the opportunity to work on sodor under the excuse it would be good to have more connections the railway needs assistance and this would be great experience in an effort to put the marriage on hold among o th her things (cause he did fight in the war with his engine but his family mainly his abuelo was too worried of losing him and practically begged him to return back home even giving money 💰 to Andreas superiors and Andreas ends up returning early like less than a few months athough the marriage was cancelled after his family found out after his accident later on still wondering if some of his family members move to sodor which Andreas deliberately put off and revelations are revealed which leads to huge arguments and Andreas is no longer welcomed into the family not officially disowned but it’s was more of a like until he got his act together to him and it stung cause they couldn’t tell it to his face yet at the same so relieve cause he felt like he couldn’t handle so many people in the room overall it’s extremely messy but he still feels thankful that he got a support system on sodor and he got out of a rather toxic and kinda forced heteronormative environment
Duncan has so many outfits and hairstyles that I’m drawing out cause my guy goes through the wringer he’s got so much character development going on but I went with one of a more healing style he wearing something’s that’s causal yet comfortable (of course I drew him with a guitar he finds comfort in music and yeah he’s in his pride colors) he’s not pretending to be this overly happy guy in an effort to please others as his way to cope with the situation but ge wrote his red outfit I’m leaning towards boilersuit/jumpsuit (which he ends up burning and throwing away cause well it’s kindave stained while he was doing his hardest to recuse Andreas like he accidentally injured himself in the attempt to free Andreas think suletta and her hands but he was freaking out in full panic not thinking and now every time he looks at it looks st himself his stomach turns to kits he stays seating he’s shaking cause it reminded him so much of what was Andreas when he was recused and how he was almost…killed… BY HIM…he was severely injured and barely alive but still somehow breathing
First time you see him he’s got a Mohawk, it’s messy but cool looking but to others on a outsiders views he appears not to care about appearance which does rub (mostly Andreas who’s obsessed with making perfect appearances and self-importance) leads to them butting heads a lot like it’s kinda an isa and Mira situation where they’re both envious of one another where Duncan is jealous over how between the two numbers 6’s here it’s appears that a majority of folks prefers Andreas while Andreas even though he’s in an environment where he can express more freedom and won’t be punished for it he still can’t downright be more vocal towards authority (at least till the hours of the incident where he argued with the supervisor but it was more on the lines of safety and not recklessness) treatment or say everything on his mind with vulgar languages and he is a bit impressed on that but wishes Duncan had common sense and not just complain about everything and anything
So yeah they rubbed one another all the wrong ways and Duncan calls him “mister perfect” Andreas retorts to him being a hypocrite yet didn’t hesitate to put his life on the line and recuse him and Duncan just felt excruciating amount of guilt and also reeling from that situation since it’s also traumatic for him like he was right there when Andreas getting crushed and unfortunately the first actually see how bad lead injuries were on Andrea’s and it ran and it wasn’t a pretty sight and I will let you guys fill in the head. It’s but for Duncan, his mental health was taking a toll on him
A majority of his colleagues (the msr the ones who knew Andreas was he longest they held him responsible some even right blaming him (like I wrote that Andreas family were gotta sue him as well as the railway but that was stoped by Andreas but that didn’t do well for Duncan emotionally) for everything others not speaking or or even acknowledging him like he’s existence leave it like glares they’re grieving they’re dealing with this situation and it doesn’t excuse their actions or their treatment of Duncan but it explains it it’s still not right but it’s like all sadnes all around. Even though Duncan has the support and comfort of the Skr members he still feels like he’s responsible and begins to overwork himself like bag eyes despite his smiling attitude like his hair outgrew the passing couple of months and he’s putting it in a braid or ponytail he’s wearing less red (I got an idea on his that looks like) yet he neglecting his own health then he comes back after his run in with the scientists where he was knocked unconscious and he’s wearing yellow like he dyed his hair he subconsciously changes to match Andreas ponytail and a more fitting attire and ugh my heart
#ttte#ttte percy#percy the small engine#ttte andreas#ttte patrick#ttte lord harry#lord harry#ttte duncan#my art lol#my art <3#my art sketch#my art#my art stuff#my art owo#my art style#my art :d#6/6#This was meant to be a happy day for them but the ng 6 gang have their storylines so intertwined it’s wouldn’t make sense to have just one#humanization#ttte humanized#It’s gets worse before it gets better for the narrow gauge number 6s and god they all needhugs#They recieve therapy thankfully everyone does when realizations come in like at first I thought it was I don’t know how to explain when#stuart blamed Duncan and expressed his emotions verbally towards him beating him down but I realize they’re all dealing with grief#differvently since I thought a more vocal fury meme we like atlas since we saw him blame Duncan or even falcon or Stanley due to their#expressions but yeah everyone’s not fine like andras oh his I been reading up crushing incidents and what happens to the body cause#dude was literally crushed and buried under two heavy materials also for the marriage part he did choke spit like isa#yeah encanto is a huge insp 4 Andreas’s backstory and I’m posting this a week late and now I’m back at the apartment with slow internet#I got art class tomorrow for two hours in Mexico fun so I’ll talk more about these two and outfits later peace ✌🏿
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‘ever realised one of your friends is a terrible person’ SPILL
if i were to spill completely, we’d be here all week because this has happened to me on MULTIPLE occasions, but i’ll give a brief rundown of The Big Three as i’ve come to call them
-the toxic codependent homoerotic adolescent girl friendship is basically a trope at this point, but i had one of those and she was like. a genuinely awful and terrible person. i met her in like kindergarten and dealt with her bullying/manipulation/abuse until like eighth grade when i finally dropped her. they reached out to me in like my senior year of high school to apologize and explain themselves and i have forgiven them and we follow each other on social media and stuff now. they’ve grown and learned since then, they were a kid in a really shitty and abusive home so like i get why they were the way they were - especially cause their parents did some insane shit to my family as well which was a whole thing. but still they Were shitty and awful to me and there’s not an excuse for that, so i doubt i’d ever be able to be real friends with them again, so we stick to liking each others posts occasionally on insta
-had a friend from fourth grade until my sophomore year of high school who just completely ghosted me and the rest of our friend group after they got really depressed and stopped coming to school. and here’s the thing, i obviously know how bad mental illness can get and we all were really sympathetic and worried for a long time. when i tell you it took a year for this friendship breakup to happen because we were all really forgiving and trying to be there and understand what was going on with them, i mean that. we had multiple interventions, multiple attempts at getting them to talk to us. meanwhile they were also constantly posting on their twitter and communicating with their online friends but couldn’t send a single response to our pages of texts asking if they were alright. there was one time when one of us texted them to check in and then they SHITTALKED HIM ON THEIR TWITTER like lmao?? he was trying to be a good friend?? one time we showed up at their house to drop off something and try to invite them to see a movie with us that weekend and they HELD THEIR DOOR SHUT so their mom couldn’t open it and let us in. and they were also REALLY WEIRD AND FETISHISTIC of our trans friend when they were around. like “uwu smoll bean” levels of weird
-friends with her from fifth grade until literally this past summer, but she was just genuinely a horrible friend and person for so long and it took me so long to finally cut her off cause i didn’t wanna risk losing the rest of my friends but they all had issues with her too lmao. she always seemed to target my insecurities and make me feel shitty about things she knew i already felt bad about. and she was also a huge hypocrite, insanely self centered, and also weirdly mean and judgmental?? like she had the weirdest shit to say about the queer community despite BEING queer herself and i was always like ??? girl what. and her victim complex was fucking crazy, she somehow managed to make three of her closest friends telling her she had been a shitty friend and should probably be better about that into us saying all that cause she’s black. like girl in what world does me pointing out that you’re really weird about my mental health and are acting like a hypocrite have to do with racism. what does you inviting our friend to visit you and then nearly abandoning him to go to a party bc he doesn’t like them and also pressuring him to drink after he told you he doesn’t want to have to do with racism. answer quickly.
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Mental Health, Guilt And The Art "Community"
TW: Unaliving Thoughts
Maybe people understand that feeling: Your mental health is at a steady decline and you´re unable to seek professional help so you need to cope with it yourself. But there is always that sneaking feeling that you dont deserve to feel suicidal or depressed. You have a home and your family isnt always bad to you. So how dare you feel bad if people have it worse than you?
I feel like that a lot actually. But sometimes it helps to vent out what all happened to you and you realize that maybe your life was messed up after all. But under the surface. Still that guilt remains, maybe Im blowing it out proportion. Maybe Im faking it.
But I never before felt guilty for not harming myself.
But that changed recently. I was part of the LazyEule fandom and a member of her server. Her server is a poorly moderated mess she doesnt interact with. There is one kid mod who is abusing their powers, banning people who disagree with them and letting their friends do whatever they want.
And thats where my mess comes in. That server is the perfect MicroCosm of the art community in general. You have lying, backstabbing and in-groups. Favortism and feuds. And naturally it got worse when the 12 year olds happened. (Okay that is just a joke but we all know that one fandom ruined by children.)
Now I wont give much context. Its private and a lot to handle but I will summarize things a little: Alcoholic Father, aggressive brother, misfortunes and emotional neglect and abuse. I suffer from an eating disorder and fondness for painkillers. I also lost my last job thanks to our family name being so tainted they harrassed me out of the office, sending me into an inescapable limbo.
With other adding to it, but this is the constant pressure I deal with. So sometimes when it gets too much I spiral into selfdestructive behaviour. Like picking fights to give me a reason to hate myself.
That day I noticed that behaviour and left the main chat to enter the vent chat. Picking a harmless topic to vent out some steam without being too much. Some random child came in and just bragged to me how great their life was so I told them "Leave me alone then" and it appears that girl was massibly popular or friends with the mod because the dead as hell vent channel was suddenly swarmed by 3 other people. With two of them heavily dogpiling me and the third trying but failing to mediate. And so what I planned to be a harmless rant about my art became me fishing for reasons to hurt myself.
I wasnt a saint, but I also was spiraling into an episode. I was vulgar, hostile and bitterly awful. So Im not even complaining I was banned. But I cant get over what lead up to me leaving. (Yes I left willingly)
A friend suddenly became obsessed with me "being the adult" as if that means I cant go into a mental breakdown. She could tell I was distressed and when it all got to much I openly stated that I wanted to die. And expressed suicidal intentions. And for some reason my "friend" leaked a private story I shared in DMs with her to the whole server. Because I encountered a prankster once who openly admitted to faking suicidal messages. So not only did she share this story without my concent but she called me an attention seeker and suicide baiter. To win an argument with me.
In a panic I left the server. Went to cry ugly adult tears in the bathtub and planned to harm myself, but my family came home and they needed me to do something so that intense mindset passed and it´s like you come to your senses. I talked to my friends and got myself together.
Learning the same people who did this to me now banned someone over a naughty meme.
The art community and its "quirky" children love to boast about mental health and awareness and taking things serious. But in reality they will simply weaponize it against you. The art community is a joke. Being an artist was a mistake and I will always regret wasting so much time on such a vile toxic hobby.
I wish I had harmed myself, just so I wouldnt feel like a faker and suicide baiter.
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I think the biggest reasons that I don’t understand or know what emotion I’m feeling most of the time is not only because of the toxicity of my upbringing, but also because my default reaction to everything is anger. Then when I notice I’m angry I quickly try to change it to anything but that emotion.
Like, the moment I feel an uncomfortable feeling that I believe I shouldn’t be feeling I’m quick to push it down. In fact, there are many times if I don’t ignore or suppress my emotions I instantly become numb. And a lot of it does come from the fact I’ve learned, from my upbringing, that any emotion outside of anger or happiness is completely wrong. Thanks to my upbringing I made it a rule that I don’t want to be so violently expressive like my family, because in those “acceptable” emotions I always gotten hurt. Either physically, mentally and/or emotionally.
If I cried or expressed anything that wasn’t blinding happiness I would be reinforced that what I feel is wrong and invalid. To be told I should stop crying because there was no point. To be peer pressured by my own siblings to stop crying and to stop being sad all because “I should be grateful to have what other children wish they had.” To be mocked and ridiculed by my own family over the fact I was “sensitive” and “make it too easy to make fun of.”
A constant reminder day in and day out that all my emotions and thoughts were wrong. And so when I’m starting to feel any emotions I’m quick to avoid it. It have gotten so bad that I would shut down and disassociate. I been doing it for so long that most of my life is a complete blank to me.
I have drank before I turned 21. If I recall, I was with my biological mother at the time. The year I was pretty much proven how easily I can be given up without a care. During my year with a woman that I practically didn’t know, at the age of 11-ish, I did share a beer or two with her and my brothers. She wasn’t the one that offered it. That honor goes to the man who sexually assaulted me, also known as the father of my 3rd brother. But when I came back to New York I didn’t drink.
Yet, on my 21st birthday, the man I grew up knowing as my brother forced a beer down my throat. All in the spirit of celebrating that I was legally allowed to drink. This was the same man that beat me as a child whenever his daughter, who’s 5 years younger than me, would lie about me hitting her. The same brother who “jokingly” held me over the stair railing and laughed, and then say how he “wasn’t going to drop me”. The same brother who was a raging alcoholic and extremely abused to everyone but our parents. My siblings would have fist fights amongst themselves.
Even when I told him I didn’t want to drink, he still forced me to drink. My sisters also have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. So, it’s clearly no surprised that I too would drink as another form to avoid my emotions. I hate the taste of alcohol. But god damn did it give me that fact sense of joy that was missing from my life.
The only time I no longer care about anything or anyone and just enjoyed. So much in fact that during one of my brother’s birthday celebration, I drank so much and was so out of it I vocally admitted I hated every single one of my siblings and wish they were all dead. But everyone laughed and said how it was just the alcohol talking.
Alcohol was the only time I felt some type of freedom. So much so that I truly felt nothing. And not feeling anything was so amazing that I wanted to chase after it. Making it a challenge to only allow myself to drink once or twice a year. Or to drink on special occasions or I was home. And that alone made it difficult to realize that I fallen for the quick medicine of being an alcoholic.
And as I’m reaching my 2 years sober, I’m trying so desperately not to buy a bottle. Especially after I been working so hard on my health, both physically and mentally. I come so far, but it’s still so difficult to emotionally deal with things.
I still have trouble relaxing and learning that doing “nothing” is a form of self care. After getting so far in the application process for an apartment to then being told it can’t be done was a bigger blow than I could ever imagine. Initially I did get upset. I then tried all the coping skills I been learning, from trying to breathe and taking a step back.
Instead of taking a step back I went numb for a moment. I was in complete disbelief and in shock. After a bit I tried problem solving and thinking of how I would get through it. In other words, I was doing the only coping skill that got me still alive. If I’m busy I can’t feel, if I can’t feel I’ll be ok. What hurts the most about this is that shock just gave me the raging urge to drink again.
I don’t understand what about this moment that has me so desperate for the taste of alcohol. It could easily be that I was already in a rough spot and the news was like a nail getting ready to be hammered into a coffin. Because I at least recognize that sudden rush that I need to not be here. The heavy desire to completely get so lost that when I come back I “might” be able to deal with myself.
Nothing like your whole body suddenly feeling heavy and your mouth and throat become so dry. It’s the kind of dryness one gets when they’re dehydrated and need to drink water. But instead of your brain thinking of water, juice or soda, your brain and tastebuds all scream alcohol. Where it’s like a whole body numbness that can be seduced with drinking. It’s like become so dizzy that when you look around you, everything is a complete blur. Where your nose can smell the alcohol that your mouth can already taste. Where it’s an annoying buzzing noise whispering “just one sip. One sip and I won’t drink anymore.”
But the part that gets you, and is the reason you’re frozen in place, is because you know that voice is lying to you. Has much as you can practically feel the cold liquid sliding down your throat, it’s a struggle to remind yourself that you went down that path and there was nothing for you there. Nothing like fighting the urge to drink by remembering all the guilt that happens when you drink. The guilt of having no control. Knowing yourself well enough to know how badly you want to jump into on coming traffic. Reminding yourself how, even though those thoughts became a whisper, you can still hear the desperation to end yourself. And you know what’s going to turn bring those thoughts screaming with vengeance at the forefront? Drinking!
It’s so hard to be sober when I still am not able to deal or even feel my emotions. Because god damn do I want drink till I can’t remember my name. I want to forget everything. But I fucking can’t! All because I’m trying to heal and do better for myself. But oh how much a good round of fireball sounds perfect right now. Yet if I touch that I ain’t going back.
If I do drink, then all my progress would be for nothing. I would have to start all fucking over again. I don’t want to do those 6 months again. Nothing like that first year of being sober where I realize how often I really drank. Nothing like every 2 to 3 weeks, without fail, I had to sit with myself and fight the urge to walk into a liquor store.
I think I’ll be ok, for now. I know I’ll be ok after the urge steps aside. But oh boy, it’s gonna be a lovely week.
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ANOTHER MHA AU IDEA!
ANOTHER MHA RANT WITH ME COKO! >:D
Currently stressed though, so, this is me getting that stress out! Apologies in advance!
I have yet to find a name that fits this AU so for now it's nameless but here is what you need to know about it! :D
Not me forgetting my warnings for y'all.
⚠️⚠️⚠️ WARNING: MENTIONS OF TOXIC ENVIRONMENTS! ⚠️⚠️⚠️
Anyways, this AU is quite old - like perhaps at least, three years old? Four or five if I remember correctly? It was one of my first AUs and it has gone through so much editing/recreations to get to the point where I'm satisfied.
(I FORGOT TO WRITE THAT IT WAS INSPIRED BY THIS WATTPAD FANFICTION WHERE SHINSOU BECAME IZUKU'S YOUNGER BROTHER. LITERALLY! HE WAS YOUNGER THAN IZUKU! I CAN'T REMEMBER THE NAME!)
Edit: I found it! It's called "With Love, Comes the Pain by Kirityu_Ryukaro" in Wattpad!
The link: https://www.wattpad.com/story/198360554-with-love-comes-the-pain
I read a fanfic and wrote down the title of this AU which was 'Broken but Not Lost' and boom! Something clicked and I thought and thought till the AU was completed! Well, maybe just the plot points but hey! Here is what I have!
PLOT POINTS -
Izuku is much, MUCH, older in this AU, somewhere between mid-to-early thirties.
Currently 11 for me, Izuku is 34 in this AU!
Izuku 'adopts' Shinsou when he was 15-17 years old.
Once again, I had to go through my notes and get a stable answer he was 25 while Hitoshi was 6! A 19-year difference if you want to know!
Also, he didn't legally adopt Shinsou, he asked if he wanted to come with him after Shinsou admitted to his "not so safe" environment that made Izuku boil with rage.
It would take 2 years before Shinsou asked Izuku to take him away from his group home. Where Izuku informed Shinsou "No" before asking again if he really wanted to; there's a reason why he asked that >:).
Izuku comes from a traditional family which led to a whole lot of problems that ended with Izuku running away when he was around 17.
Izuku hates his father.
Izuku 'loved' his mother and little sister, yes, you read it right, Izuku had a little sister in this AU!
It sounds like the usual, Izuku had a... shitty father and only had a tiny support system with only his mother and little sister but hear me out! A subtle theme this story has is generational trauma which is- a lot to unfold.
Generational Trauma or Intergenerational Trauma, in the shortest term, is trauma passed through the generations. The best example I can give is Enchanto.
I.E) A family member went through something traumatic experience and left those wounds unable to heal properly.
Subconsciously or consciously, it varies between family members, they project that trauma to their children, and those children, who learned it from their parents, projected that to their (grand)children.
It's just a cycle of broken people and open wounds being passed down from one generation to the next.
Why do I mention this? Izuku's father also faced the same type of... pressure that he gave to Izuku and it took so many years for the man to realize that.
Another subtle yet major theme(s?) is processing grief/mourning/overcoming grief because Izuku may care for his mother, he, however, adored his little sister.
His little sister was born sickly and it only got worse as she aged. The illness took her life when she was 13 years old while Izuku was 15. His mother a year afterward also passed away when he was 16, leaving Izuku and his father left of the Akatani family.
Izuku's father ended up in prison at some point in Izuku's life and he remains to be in jail for life. (Not that he cared, mind you, Izuku hates his father, and just because he's in jail won't change that fact.)
Izuku does have a quirk! It's a copy quirk!
This quirk idea came from this fanfic: https://archiveofourown.org/works/32035747/chapters/79355059
Called "Mimicry by Monkeygirl77
The quirk is called "Final Stage" which is an emitter type of quirk that resides in the eyes. Whenever the user looks at someone he can "copy" the quirk of someone. What I took from the fanfiction was that as soon as the quirk is copied it permanently stays with the user. The downside to this is that it can't be turned off which is why the user must always cover their eyes unless they want to copy another quirk.
It's even worse when he's in a crowd; it can cause sensory overload because of the number of quirks that are present in a crowd.
Shinsou is an orphan. I have no backstory for him yet it has been a while since I thought of this AU so it'll take a while!
Shinsou has - a lot of issues - the main being: trust, abandonment, and confidence issues.
Shinsou and Izuku are known as a vigilante duo; yes I stand for vigilante Shinsou and Izuku! But this time a father-son vigilante duo!
Izuku has been an active vigilante for 14 years now!
He started when he was 20!
He started as a person helping out shady people, that turned into a hacker, and soon a vigilante.
Shinsou started when he was at least 11 because it took a lot of convincing for Izuku to even agree to train Shinsou.
Izuku just wishes for Shinsou to live a happy, calm life but if being a vigilante and probably a hero is what Shinsou wants? He'll try his darn best to make it happen.
Izuku has been avoiding arrest for a long time now!
Izuku and his father will meet again but in a more fair environment. If you know what I mean.
I think that's all I have for now? I'm trying to remember it all but my brain sucks, so, I'll talk more next time! I have no theme song or name for this AU so bare with me with this. :')
THANK YOU FOR READING SEE YA! (also have a steady rest of your day!) -coko out.
#izuku midoriya#older izuku midoriya#parental figures#surprise adoption#shinsou hitoshi#mha au#my hero acedamia#boku no hero academia#found family#coko is back from the void
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I always read Frankie in that scene like hes doing it almost put of resentment. He's the one who clearly wanted to do any of this the least and Ive always wondered if he agreed to go partially beacuse he would feel guilty for being the only one to abandon them.
But his relationship with Tom seemed a bit rocky or complicated and now hes dead, and that guilt keepa rising. Like even in death, Toms still managed to keep Frankie feeling shame or guilt into doing what he wants. And in that moment it felt like he was done with it.
He signs it so abruptly and sort of aggressively as if this is the last time. Like he gives this up and he can finally be done with the guilt tripping pressure Toms always put on his life and he thinks giving his share up will finally free him from this obligation he unwillingly has towards a now dead man.
Hes exhausted and somewhat resentful and Tom is at the centre of all of it and he just takes that offer as an out to be done with this feeling.
Molly though, I'd have some words for her considering she wasn't even married to Tom anymore and her share should go to their kids alone. She should know very well what his shortcomings were and should logically suspect Toms own actions may led to this. And that maybe its selfish to force the others to give that up for what Tom caused for himself.
(Of course in my little world me and Molly would be having a stern chat about how leaving Frankie with nothing after whats likely going to be a traumatic memory for all of them, is borderline cruel and a bad situation to keep a recovering addict in when hes the one who tried to avoid everything Tom did and still had Tom put all of his own guilt onto Frankie that scene in the rain Tom I could strangle you you said nothing while Frankie was drowning in a guilt thats not his fault)
Thank you so much for sending that ask my way 💕💕💕
Hard agree on all accounts, here, Nonnie. Especially the strangling Tom part during the scene under the rain. And I don’t think I’d be that gentle, I’d fucking make it bloody, and I’d make it last.
😇
Tom is toxic. A piece of shit. Doesn’t own up to anything. Can’t even pay for child support, as the “notes” Molly leaves on the fridge for him in the garage demonstrate. You know, the one he looks and huffs at before cracking a beer open and taking the wheel to drive his kid to school. A real class act 😒
Santi gives him a chance to come clean when they’re in the jungle after leaving the village, and he sticks to his lie. By default, he pins it on Frankie who was the other one with a gun (I’ve watched that scene in literal slow mo so many times, none of his shots reach their target, bless him, he’s a pilot, not a sniper) but he might as well have pinned it on Will or Ben, had it been them up on that hill.
And it’s convenient because Frankie is already riddled with guilt, layers and layers of it, so he just shoulders one more, to burden his soul, because he thinks himself guilty anyway, for so many things (come here my love I’ll fix you).
You’re right, he’s the most reluctant to go, comes across as the least greedy, despite having a family to provide for, and the Millers and him are the ones to call out Tom on his bs when he loses them precious time in Lorea’s house. Frankie’s tired, he’s had enough, he wants to go the fuck home. That shot he fires in the kitchen, the one that glints in his eyes, shows us one more crack. It is going to be traumatic (come here my love I’ll fix you). The way he barely contains his anger at the end when they reach the coast. He’ll do just about anything to go home, he’s had it. So he signs that damn paper. And tries to move on.
As for Molly, in her defence, I think she’s wholly unaware of any of this. I think in this final scene, with that woman I assume to be a lawyer or an accountant, they’re still down there, they haven’t gone home yet. I think they just take it upon them to “fix” it, I really don’t think she knows about the family trust. But yeah, you’re right, let’s reach out to her and ask her to please give back some of that cash to the Morales 😁
I… am sorry this is so long. I’m way too passionate about this movie and could talk about it for hours on end. And I’d slash throats for this idiot.
(All gifs @nicolethered)
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Obsessed ; Rafe Cameron
masterlist
Pairing: Rafe Cameron x reader
Summary: “Till death do us part.”
Warnings: Mutual toxic relationship! Rafe being overly obsessed with reader, heavy smut
A/N: 900 followers wtf ily <33 so sorry if this isn’t my best work :(
(Y/N) laughs as the feeling of his soft lips peppers her lower abdomen. It has always been so exquisite. She almost doesn’t want to let go.
“Rafe!” She sighs, throwing her head back. “We have to go to your sister’s birthday dinner.”
“Just stay,” he replies, trailing his wet kisses down to her thighs. She shivers from the tingling feeling in the pits of her stomach. “We don’t have to go.”
“Of course we do,” she answers, running her fingers through his hair. He groans when he feels a sudden tug, but he likes it.
“I have to make a good impression on Sarah and your parents, baby.”
“They can’t stop me from loving you,” he chuckles, finally parting from her skin and staring up at her (E/C) orbs.
How can someone look so magical?
“Rafe, come on,” she sighs, bending down to plant a kiss on his cheeks. “You can do anything to me tonight.”
“Anything?”
“Anything,” she nods, laughing slightly when he goes straight for her stomach again. “If you keep doing this I will leave you hanging tonight.”
He pulls away, groaning. “Okay, okay. Come on. Let’s go.”
Being in a relationship with Rafe Cameron feels so amazing yet surreal. She heard things about him before, how he was having a hard time trying to fight his anger issues and his addiction, but she always felt intrigued by his presence.
Every time she went to a party hosted by some kooks, her eyes will always meet his blue ones.
It felt like fate.
Rafe holds her hands in his as they walk down the carpeted floor to the big table filled to the end with their friends and a few family members.
“Woah, this is a big family,” (Y/N) smiles, tightening her grip around Rafe’s fingers.
“Rafe, you’re early today,” Ward greets, and (Y/N) smiles before Rafe pulls her to his back, as though shielding her from him. She quirks a brow.
“And this is (Y/N), I assume?” He asks, extending his hand out. (Y/N) smiles and wraps her hands around his.
“Yeah,” Rafe grunts, and pulls her back to his side.
“(Y/N), I’m glad you can join us,” Rose appears, her red lips pulled into a warm smile. “We’ve heard a lot about you.”
(Y/N) looks up to Rafe, her heart beating. Did he tell them about her?
That’s the last thing she would ever guess from him.
“Hey, nice seeing you with Rafe, (Y/L/N),” Topper smiles, and Rafe watches as he helps her down to her seat. He raises a brow but decides against it.
“Hey, yeah,” (Y/N) replies, glancing at Rafe and back to Topper. “It’s nice seeing you here, Tops.”
Rafe’s hands travel to her thighs, tracing invisible circles whilst glancing around the table. He doesn’t feel like making any new conversations with anyone, and he definitely doesn’t appreciate the way Topper is more chatty with his girl than before.
Since when is Topper interested in the same girl as his?
His grip around her thighs tightens. Maybe it’s the annoyance from watching his own best friend flirting with her. Or maybe it’s the anger coursing in him when she does the same thing.
“Hey, you brought a girlfriend!” Sarah greets, bending down to give Topper a kiss on his cheeks. “(Y/N), right?”
“Yeah,” (Y/N) replies, extending her hand to greet the blonde Cameron.
Always the crowd-pleaser, her.
The whole time the dinner sets out, Rafe can’t wait to just get the event over and bring his girlfriend home. He never wants (Y/N) to get closer to his family, and doesn’t intend to. The last thing he wants is for Sarah and (Y/N) to become best friends.
“Yeah, and then guess what?” Topper asks, waiting to drop the punchline. (Y/N) laughs at the enthusiasm, and then shakes her head.
“What?”
“I didn’t even get it!”
“What?” (Y/N) laughs, eyes shut and hands clutching onto her stomach. “You were never this funny, Tops. What happened?”
Here we go again with the Tops. Why is she even calling him that?
Rafe pulls her chair closer to his and whispers into her ear. She perks up from his hot breath. “Let’s go home.”
“We haven’t sung the birthday song, Rafe,” she sighs. “Come on, let’s just wait for another half an hour.”
And she returns back to Topper like he isn’t there.
Rafe stands up, scraping the linoleum floor of the restaurant as he did so. A few family and friends stare at him, but without giving them a glance, he pulls (Y/N) up with a grip around her arms.
“Rafe, ow! What are you doing?”
“We’re leaving, come on,” he grunts, retrieving his phone from the table and stuffing them in his pocket.
“Why? We’re not done yet?”
“Yo, man, what’s up?” Topper asks, being so confused after getting stopped midway of him trying to tell another story. “You haven’t seen the cake yet.”
Rafe doesn’t say anything and continues to pull her away to the exit. She moans from the tug in pain, but her expression is plastered with an apologetic look to everyone around the table.
“What the fuck is wrong with you?” (Y/N) yells, prying his arms away from his grip and immediately starting to apply pressure to the pain.
“I don’t like seeing the way you’re talking to Topper,” he finally speaks, walking straight toward his jeep. He stops after a few seconds, looking back to his shoulders to see if she’s following him, and resumes his walk when her angry face follows him.
“We’re just talking. Rafe, I don’t appreciate you pulling me away like this just because you’re jealous.”
He stops walking and turns back to look at her. “You were practically begging him to fuck you, (Y/N). Don’t you realize it?”
What. The. Fuck.
“Fuck you, I’m not getting into the car with you,” she says, slowly feeling hot tears filling up her eyes.
“You are, and that’s final. Get the fuck in.”
He steps closer to her, trying to get ahold of her, but she’s quick. She moves away, blocking his view of her face so he doesn’t see the tears that are streaming down her face.
He’s got way too far this time.
“(Y/N), get in. Let’s talk about this on the way home. Come on.”
She doesn’t move or say anything, but when Rafe finally engulfs her into a hug, she doesn’t let go. It’s crazy how he’s able to make her feel absolutely worthless yet needed at the same time.
“I’m sorry, baby. Get in the car with me?”
And she goes in after him.
. . .
Rafe has never discarded a girl’s clothing faster than he unclipped the hook of her bra.
(Y/N) sighs, still so sore from yesterday’s activity, but she wanted this more than before.
She had never thought about how hot her boyfriend looked when intoxicated, but after tonight’s party, all she wants is to have all parts of him.
Rafe helps her down to her knees, piling her (H/C) hair up into a high ponytail and letting her fingers wander around the waistband of his boxers. He throws his head back, the anticipation killing him.
“Quick, quick, come on,” he grunts, opening half of his eyes to see if they’ve got an audience. The bathroom seems deserted, and he looks down at her again.
She starts with her kitten licks on his tip, watching as he squirms and his breathing becoming heavier. She likes it like this; she feels totally in control.
“Don’t tease,” he groans, tugging her chin up so she can look into his eyes. “You know better, baby, come on.”
She takes him whole, and he can feel himself hitting the back of her throat. He groans, throwing his head back because the feeling still amazes him every time.
She grazes her teeth against his member, sending vibrations throughout his whole body and he has never felt this amazing before. He groans, stopping her movement with his hands before he could get sent into complete oblivion.
“What’s wrong?” she pouts, and that’s enough for Rafe to pick her up and throws her against the sink. She yelps, but her heart is thumping excitedly.
“Wait, wait, you can’t,” she whispers, holding his prying hands into a halt before he can touch her in the throbbing areas. She bites her lips, “I’m sore, remember?”
“I’m not gonna let you touch me without letting me touch you back,” he grunts.
He wants all of her.
Please.
“Rafe, we can’t,” she chuckles, turning herself forward so she’s directly facing him.
“I’m sure you can handle it,” he whispers, pushing her against the door and letting her breath tickles his jaw. He can’t handle another few more hours of not touching her; he’ll go absolutely crazy in any minute.
His hand trails down to her aching core, and he watches as she jolts upright.
“Are you sure you don’t want this, baby?” he coos, “Because you’re wetting my hands.”
(Y/N) attacks his lips with so much force he topples backward, and Rafe’s back hit one of the stalls’ door. He groans, feeling himself getting harder than ever, and pulls her away with his fingers around her neck.
“Do that again, and I’ll make sure this is the last time I’ll be fucking you.”
Before she can reply to his snarky remark he turns her over so her front is pressed against the door. She groans, cheeks flat against the blue door.
Rafe brings one hand slowly up to her neck while the other trails down to her core, collecting her juices with his fingers before he brings them up to her pink lips. He gets closer to her ears, his own mouth watering.
If she ever thinks he would stop, she’s completely in the wrong.
“So wet for me, baby,” he whispers, playing his fingers against her lips and watching as she struggles to taste herself. “So eager for me?”
“Please, Rafe, do something.”
Rafe groans, his cock swelling painfully. Oh, he loves listening to her pleas and her begs. He can come undone from all of that hassle.
Her own hands grab the one playing with her lips and bring it closer to her pussy, and she sucks in a breath while pressing his fingers into herself. Rafe bites his lips, being so close against her he’s basically fucking her through his pants.
She knows how to move against him, and it drives him crazy. His lips are slightly parted as he watches her fuck herself with his fingers, soaking his own digits with her juices. The bathroom is now filled with her lewd noises, and Rafe wishes this moment will never end.
“People are going to hear us,” she complains, but she doesn’t do any effort to stop his fingers from entering her. She throws her head back against his shoulder, and Rafe uses the opportunity to leave a trail of wet kisses down to her neck.
“Let them,” he whispers. “Spread your legs, baby, come on.”
She doesn’t do anything, still so absorbed with the euphoric feeling starting to form in her stomach. Rafe groans, hating it when his requests are getting denied, and stops her hands from forcing his into her.
“Why’d you stop?” she moans, half annoyed when the familiar knot starts to dissipate into the thin air.
“You’re getting comfortable,” he replies, and before she can say anything else, his hands quickly pull her skirt up to reveal her glistening pussy under the orange lights of the bathroom.
“No panties?” he licks his teeth, waiting.
“Just making it easier for you,” she shrugs, and Rafe almost comes to his end at the sight of her all smug and proud. He wishes for nothing other than to wipe that look off her face, but he kind of likes it on her.
Rafe pushes himself into her and hears as she squirms from his size. After so many times they had done the deed, he would have thought she would have gotten used to him. It gives him a certain pleasure when she does the same reaction when he first enters her.
Rafe pushes up one of her knees, widening her up, and starts going at her at a much faster pace. The sex with Rafe always ends up rough, but tonight’s leaves some kind of a different feeling in her.
“You like that?” he whispers, tightening his grip around her neck. “You feel so good around me, baby.”
She doesn’t reply, still so high from the exaltation as she presses herself more against him if that’s even possible to reach her high. She moans against his shoulder, shutting her eyes and feeling her hot tears wetting her cheeks.
“Mhm,” he grumbles. “I know baby, come on. Let me help you.”
Rafe’s orgasm explodes as he lets out the hottest moan ever, filling her up with his seed and feeling her clench around him.
There is no doubt that this girl is absolutely driving him insane.
And he loves every part of it.
She melts into him as she reaches her high, head thrown back and lips parted, and Rafe involuntarily wipes the tears pooling under her eyes. She opens her eyes once she’s finally regained her balance, helping herself off Rafe and pulling her skirt down.
She places a soft kiss against his cheeks, feeling so tired she can pass out in the toilet. She walks to the sink with Rafe’s arms around her waist, still so unsure if she’s fit enough to walk on her own.
She looks up at Rafe through the big mirror, watching as he stares down at her fingers under the running water.
“How do you know where I am?” she asks, tilting her head to one side. “How do you know I’m in the club?”
Rafe’s eyes go back to focus on her mesmerizing orbs. After a while, he answers back. “Why? Are you cheating on me?”
“You know it’s not like that, Rafe,” she sighs, closing the tap and pulling a cheap tissue paper from the side. “I’m here for my friend’s birthday party.”
He doesn’t reply, and she bumps her shoulder against his.
“You’re not stalking me, are you?”
Rafe pulls her against him and breathes into her scent, “Of course not. It’s just fate that I met you here.”
She caves in and pulls him in for another kiss.
. . .
Is it normal to feel watched at all times?
The typing motion stares back at her as she tilts her head at the computer screen. She really doesn’t get it.
Her phone vibrates against the dining table, and she answers the call without a glance at the name.
“Hey!”
“Hey, Tops? What’s up?” She greets, finally cracking a smile after a whole day of being worried over being watched.
“I’m wondering if you’d like to help me out with a gift I bought for Sarah. You know, since you’re a girl.”
She stays in her position, her mind fleeing back to a certain brunette she had just kissed an hour ago.
Would he be okay with this?
It’s not like she’s cheating on him. It’s just helping a friend out.
“Yeah, sure, I’ll be at your house in a few minutes.”
Rafe has been nothing but a sweetheart to her. There may be some times his issues accidentally slipped in, but she was gentle with him. She caressed him until he was okay again, and they never spoke of it again.
She glances at the red mark around her arm from Rafe’s grip a week ago, and grimaces.
“Hey, Tops, sorry I’m so late. I stopped by for gas just now.”
Topper smiles, allowing her into his mansion and motioning her to the living room. A few gifts wrapped in purple and pink wrapping paper stare back at her, and (Y/N) widens her eyes.
“Holy shit, you’re truly a great boyfriend.”
Topper laughs, patting the empty seat beside him and pushing a small velvet box in her hands. “What do you think?”
“Is this for Sarah?” She smiles, showing her pearly white teeth. Topper can’t help but notice the dimples on her face.
“Yeah. Do you like it?”
“Yeah, I love it,” she nods, moving the small box around to get a better view of the ring under the light. “She’s a lucky girl.”
Two hours later, Topper holds the door open for her as she smiles at him. From a distance away, they look like a couple in love.
It’s no surprise that a certain figure a few cars away is clenching his fist and jaw whilst staring at the two of them.
“Thanks, (Y/N), you’re the best,” Topper sighs, pulling her into a side hug. “Give Rafe a hug for me, yeah?”
(Y/N) laughs, pushing his shoulders playfully and walking down the steps to her own car. “I always know there’s something between you two.”
She doesn’t feel like driving back home and decides to stop by at an ice cream place to get herself a milkshake, even when it’s already 10 p.m.
She likes it when she’s all alone on the island at this time of the day as she’s free to do anything she wills. She drives straight to the store, oblivious to the black jeep following her from behind.
“Can I get an oreo milkshake?” She smiles, watching as the cashier nods and goes back to the back to make her milkshake. She opens her phone, and taps on the first name on her contact.
Hey, I miss you :)
A few seconds later, her phone dings.
Rafe: Did you have fun?
“Your milkshake.”
(Y/N) jolts up to the sudden voice, and smiles apologetically at the cashier before getting her drink.
Have fun? What?
“You didn’t reply to my text.”
“Jesus fucking Christ, Rafe!” She exclaims, holding her hand out for support on the counter. She glances at the cashier, but he seems to be in the back again. “What are you doing here?”
Rafe looks down at her and god, she has never felt so small than ever. She gulps and places her drink down, because this is slowly starting to make sense.
“Rafe, are you stalking me?”
He doesn’t reply, but it’s enough for (Y/N) to turn on her heels back to her car.
The constant feeling of being watched. The random motions outside of her window and the pair of eyes she felt everywhere when she was out with some friends.
“Wait, wait, (Y/N)!” He groans, pulling her hands and halting her walk. “Please don’t leave, okay?”
“How can you do this? Don’t you trust me enough?” She yells. His jaw tightens, and she involuntarily takes a step back. “Rafe, you’re scaring me.”
“I’m just protecting you, alright?” He grunts, “And what the fuck are you doing at Topper’s house?”
Oh. So this is what everything’s about.
“None of your business,” she shoots back, and with a final thrust, she frees herself from his grasp.
Rafe laughs, wetting his lips. Before she can say anything else, he pushes her against her car door and watches as she squirms.
“You’re my fucking girlfriend, of course it’s going to be my business.”
There’s no way out of this, not when everything she’ll say will be regarded as a lie. Unless. . .
“Yeah, I fucked Topper,” she whispers, cheeks pressed against the cold metal surface of her car. “Is that what you want to hear?”
“Hm,” he sighs, and flips her over in a swift. She yelps, having to face him directly now, and all of her brief confidence dissipates into the air.
“Wanna say it again?” He whispers, his lips so close to her skin she can feel his heat.
She stares into his eyes again, feeling so scared now that he’s got her cornered, but the exciting feeling growing inside of her seems to outweigh all her fear.
“I fucked your best friend.”
“Wrong answer,” he answers, and pulls the car door open before pushing her in.
Rafe’s lips attach themselves against her collarbones as she grunts softly, pulling on his hair and fighting against every energy in her to push him away.
But she seems struck by his touch again. She can’t let go.
“Wanna get so smug on me again?” He groans, fingers trailing down to the button of her jeans before he pops it open.
(Y/N) throws her head back against the seat, so engulfed in the feeling she doesn’t ever wanna let him go. Rafe notices the change in her behavior, and god knows how much it riles him up.
“Beg.”
“Rafe,” she grunts, “Don’t play with me right now.”
Her hands reach for his fingers, but he slaps her hands away.
“Do that again and I’ll fucking kill you, (Y/N), I swear to fucking God.”
(Y/N) bites her lips, because a death threat shouldn’t leave her all perked up.
“Please,” she whispers.
“You know I’ll take care of you, right? And you’re going to let me take care of you. Can you do that?”
“Yeah.”
“Don’t see Topper again—” he tugs on her chin, “—or I’ll fucking kill you for real.”
“Okay.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah,” she nods eagerly. “Please, baby, touch me?”
He chuckles and bends to her eye level, watching as she tries to contain herself.
“Till death do us part?”
“Rafe—”
He grips her thigh, “Till death do us part?”
“Till death do us part.”
-
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As promised: let's talk Hades, and how acts of abuse can create toxic environments for everyone around them, and also how people react to those environments--and to them being disrupted.
(For reference, I have just kicked Theseus's ass for the first time, it was exactly as satisfying as it was intended to be, and then I got predictably slaughtered a couple of chambers into Styx. Spoilers for everything through that point, but please no spoilers in reblogs/comments for anything after that!) Also, TW for a whole lot of discussion of abuse, particularly verbal and emotional abuse, and abusive familyworkplace dynamics.
Okay, so. To start out with, Hades is an abusive parent. He engages in innumerable acts of verbal and emotional abuse towards his son, because yep, that's what you call it when a parent constantly berates and belittles their kid for every perceived failure, including the ones the parent themselves could have prevented. Sometimes especially the ones the parent could have prevented. Zagreus failed at his office clerk job because Hades refused to teach him how to do it and then blamed him for not already knowing how. Cerberus tore up the lounge because Hades, who was actually there, chose not to stop him. Hades created, possibly deliberately, and then took full advantage of every opportunity he saw to insult and demean his kid, and the clerk job flashback shows us that he was doing so even before the escape attempts started. I'm pretty sure we're all on the same page here, but: yep, that all constitutes abuse, even if they're gods. Even if Hades has reasons for Being Like That. Even if you think Zagreus seems okay and unharmed by it (which: repeatedly throwing yourself into a gauntlet of violence that inevitably ends in your own pain and death because you're so desperate to escape home, not actually an indicator of someone who's okay). We all good on that?
Cool. Because I'm not really here to talk about how Hades' abuse directly impacts Zagreus right now (although there's for sure an essay in that too). I'm thinking about how it impacts everybody else.
Hades isn't as obviously unreasonable with anybody else in his kingdom the way he is with his kid. When we see him lecture somebody else, it's usually for an actual failure to do their job: Hypnos for literally falling asleep on the job and not doing anything that was assigned to him, Megaera for letting us past her so many time, Orpheus for being a court bard who refuses to sing. His attitude is super confrontational and unpleasant, but on the surface it doesn't necessarily look as fucked-up. Thing is, though, whether any individual act of aggression towards an employee/family member is justified or not (I would generally argue 'not', because aggression towards employees/family members is, y'know, not justifiable)--it's not about the individual acts. It's about the entire cultivated atmosphere of toxicity and abuse.
One of the very first things Meg ever says to us is, "I'd rather be on your bad side than his." Up until that point, we've got no reason to believe Meg has any history whatsoever of fucking up at her job. In fact, we've got plenty of reason to believe she's good at it. She's fiercely proud of it, she's frequently Employee Of The [Time Period], and we've apparently never even met her sisters because she handles her shit herself. But she's still scared of Hades. Dusa, who is an anxious wreck at all times because oh god what if she gets fired what if she gets fired what if she gets fired, in spite of apparently being absolutely exemplary at her job, is scared of Hades. Every single shade in the Hall is clearly terrified of Hades, and it's not because of what he's done to each of them. It's what they've seen him do to other people.
Which is how toxic environments work, whether they're work environments or families. The Court of Hades is of course both, always, with the bonus hell layer of you can't quit even if you DIE. An abuser in authority doesn't have to target you in order to make you feel scared, cowed, and desperate to please them. Humans (and gods who are basically extra-powerful humans) are good at learning by example. The residents of the Court get the picture.
So this Court is a minefield--and everyone except Zagreus is very good at tiptoeing around mines. We see it in Meg, so desperate to do her job well. We see that Hypnos very clearly does not give a shit about anything, but he still makes sure to have a list of excuses ready if/when Hades ever confronts him about failure to do his job, just in case. We see it when Achilles tells us that my ability to help you is constrained by the authority your father gives me, or whatever the line was sixty runs ago when he couldn't let me into locked chambers. The system, such as it is, works, and if Nyx talks to Hades as little as possible, if Thanatos avoids the Court entirely, if Achilles treads very carefully and knows how to keep his head down--well that's just the system, right? That's just how things are.
Even Zagreus seems to have had a role in that system as the court fuckup. He's the kid who didn't have a real job or purpose. He could take the focus of Hades' generalized, day-to-day ire off of everyone else, without triggering some of the more direct and violent ire because the work he was doing didn't really matter (a LOT of Hades' rage-triggers seem to be related to job performance, which means that the people with real jobs are of course the most at risk). And he could do so "safely" (big emphasis on the quotation marks there) because he alone of the court is Hades' actual kid, who's Prince of the Underworld no matter how much he fucks up. If one of Nyx's other kids gets something really really wrong, she might be able to protect them from some consequences, but Hades doesn't have any layer of supposed parental affection holding him back from getting violently furious about it. Zagreus gets a nice bedroom and the abuse is limited to words rather than divine power, and Hades is a dick to everyone but he only occasionally condemns people to eternities of torture, and only for good reasons like refusing to sing when your job is to be court bard, so it's fine, everybody's fine, everything's totally fine, right?
Except it's not fine when everybody is so clearly worried about anything going wrong. And it's especially not fine for Zagreus, who's the person to finally say no. He's leaving, for his own sake, because he deserves better and he's finally convinced he can have it. And that turns the whole system into disarray.
I am endlessly fascinated by the ways this game portrays different characters reacting to this upheaval in their carefully-mapped minefield. It's different for authority figures and peers and servants, different based on how people are positioned in the house under Hades' rule, and it's so spot-on and I love it.
Nyx, for instance, is absolutely calm about the whole thing, because Nyx has power. Hades can't hurt her. Hades can't even really do much against her children, not when Hypnos and Thanatos are gods in their own right. Yes, Hades rules the kingdom, but Nyx owns the land, and she gives no shits about his rages. And it's interesting, too, to see the lines she doesn't draw. The deal seems to be that Hades doesn't fuck with her, and doesn't outright threaten her kids (because Hypnos is bad at his job, demonstrably so, and Hades hasn't ruined him yet), and she doesn't interfere with the way he treats the people around him. She gives Zagreus advice and support and the mirror, but she also doesn't take a direct stand against Hades. He can't hurt her, but he could make life...difficult. She's protected, her position in the minefield is more of a safe viewing platform than slogging through the middle of it, but the mines are still there.
And then we have Achilles, who is one of my favorite characters in the whole game because of how he reacts to this whole situation. Achilles, like Nyx, is so supportive. Every single time you see him he has something encouraging to say. He gives us his Codex, secretly finds us weapons, trained us for years, clearly wants us to succeed. And still he's limited, not necessarily out of fear for himself (though he has to be scared for himself, he knows what Hades does to people who anger him), but out of concern that if he gives Zagreus too much help in one way, he won't be able to provide help at all later. He's still so careful.
Achilles and Nyx are so fucking important to this story because they're the only authority figures Zagreus really has in his life except for his father, and they are so supportive. They're what keep this story from being a nightmare of psychological horror and depression. They can't stop the pressure from Hades and this life in his house being miserable for Zag, but they can give us hope, remind us that Zagreus is still loved. And they have such an incredibly important role when it comes to guilt, which is one of the biggest ways toxic systems maintain themselves.
If Zagreus leaves, what happens to everybody else? Who takes Hades' wrath then? Who becomes court scapegoat if he's not there, and also, who gets punished for his escape? These questions matter, and we see him worry about it! He asks Nyx and Achilles both, is it going to be okay that you're helping me, are you going to be alright, will my father hurt you for this? And they are both so firm about telling him no. No, I will be fine. See, here's the list of reasons about why I'm going to be fine, why my position in this minefield is secure. They make a point of telling us that it's fine, that we do not need to hold ourself back from getting out of this abusive situation for their sake. That is instrumental in Zagreus's ability to keep making these escape attempts without feeling too guilty and worried and selfish to go on. (Another thing that's actually really important in setting up that dynamic--we see that Hades cares about Cerberus, even if he's using him as a pawn against us, and Cerberus seems to be the one figure in court who Hades doesn't get mad at. The dog isn't at risk, and that is really essential in keeping the story from getting too grim.) These people who we care about refuse to let themselves be held hostage to secure our good behavior.
It's also really useful for raising the stakes later in the story--we see Hades arguing with Nyx once or twice, and we see Zagreus feeling guilty about it, but it's also a sign that we're making enough progress to piss him off. After I finally made it out of Elysium on my last run, I came home to find him furious with Achilles in a way that actually makes me nervous, because Achilles does not have nearly as much security in his position as he says he does. (Achilles is such a good teacher/authority figure, because he knows goddamn well what Hades could do to him, and still refuses to let fear for his own situation stop him from helping the abused kid under his care escape his. And no, not everybody has the capacity to do that, but it matters so much coming from the guy who helped raise us. It matters so much. I do not even have the words for how much.)
It's also no mistake that many of the people we find supporting us along our journey are either the people with the most power in their immediate environment, or the least. Sisyphus helps us because what more could they do to me than this? Orpheus is a little wild around the eyes and somewhat disconnected from reality, and he wishes us the best because someone should get what they want and also he no longer gives a single fuck what happens to him. Eurydice has her own cozy little corner of Asphodel, as safe from Hades' rage as anybody anywhere in his realm because she's tucked in such an out-of-the-way middle place she's outside his notice. Dusa is so scared of everything anyway that, crush aside, she isn't any more threatened by us escaping than she is just by her everyday life here. Charon is unfathomable and unstoppable; Skelly literally exists to be a punching bag, and yet he also seems basically immune to pain, no matter what we do to him. There's no threat from Hades there.
So the people most at risk when I flip the world on its ear are the ones who have so much standing that they have something to lose, but not enough to protect them from losing it. Which of course brings us to Than and Meg--who are, of course, the two people who also seem by far the most upset by my attempts to leave.
As authority figures, Nyx and Achilles are constantly reinforcing the message that it's Hades' fault, not ours, if they or anybody else get caught in the crossfire of his wrath. I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing, and it's not my guilt to bear. From Megaera and Thanatos, we get the opposite message--I am fucking with things, I am hurting people, and I need to stop. Zagreus isn't just abandoning them, as a friend or brother or lover or all of the above they're Greek gods who even knows. He's betraying them. They were in this together, as friends or lovers or whatever, but now Zagreus is sending earthquakes through the minefield they both still have to stand in. He is about to capsize this boat in the middle of a thunderstorm, he is fucking with the system, and they're the ones who are going to get most hurt.
I'm so curious how this is going to work for Than, who out of everyone we meet holds the closest role to Nyx's in terms of being sheltered from Hades' wrath. He's the guy who gets to leave, after all, even though he always has to come back. I've seen the least of him out of anybody so far because it took forever for me to get to Elysium, but two things really stand out and I'm so interested to see where they go. One, he really genuinely does care about Zagreus. He wants us safe, he wants us unhurt, the accessory he gives us only grants its bonus if we clear a room without taking injury, he keeps showing up to help. And two, he wants us to give up and go back and recognize how good we had it. Which is SO fucking interesting, considering how miserable Zagreus so clearly was, and how legitimate his reasons for being miserable were.
It makes me wonder so much about Than's standards for comparison. Does he know something we don't about what's waiting for us on the surface, something that might theoretically hurt Zagreus even more than staying down below? Has his life, which apparently allows him more freedom than anybody else in the Court, sucked horribly in ways we haven't seen, and that's why he spends so little time there in the first place? Either of those things is plausible, both of those things are plausible, and yet either one leads to this sense of patronizing, because he refuses to simply tell us. If something terrible is awaiting us, don't give us vague warnings, tell us what it is and let us decide for ourself! If you're fucking jealous because we might get out entirely and you're still stuck coming back here, say so. If you're worried about your mom--and he does bring her up, how could Zagreus turn his back on her like that, does seem to worry for her--then let's have an actual conversation about how many times she has insisted I do this and also how much I love her.
And, right, it's clear that a lot of Thanatos being upset is simply, you were going to leave me without even saying goodbye, you want to leave ME, which is understandable! But, like, he is demonstrably the one god who gets to visit the surface. He's the one person we actually COULD expect to see again. And he is absolutely also upset because there's an Order To Things, and we're fucking it up. We used to be his careless callow reckless friend who could talk back to Hades and get away with it, and now we're not, and everything is changing and we might leave him altogether, and we might leave him alone in that court without us, and he hates it.
Is it a short-sighted, selfish fear on his part? Yes, absolutely. Even if he's not scared of Hades on his own behalf, he is still frightened by what happens if we upset this system--and maybe it's the sanctity of a much bigger system than the Underworld that he's worried about! Maybe it's the whole divine and cosmic order. Whatever system he wants so badly to protect is enabling the abuse Zagreus has been dealing with for however-long he's been alive. Whatever system he wants so badly to protect OUGHT to be overturned, or at least shaken up. But this is what toxic systems DO. They convince the people within them that they have to be maintained, that a broken system that hurts the people within it is far better than no system at all, that changing the world is too scary and too dangerous. And Thanatos wants his whatever-Zagreus-is-to-him to be there, because he loves him and also because that's how the world works, and those things are all tangled up in one another, and that is how relationships are in a messed-up family like this so therefore I love it.
And Meg. Meg, the best for last, my dear, beautiful, furious, bitter, scared angry tired girl. I adore her. I am absolutely never going to date her, because the thing Zagreus needs most in his life hurts her, more directly than anybody else in the story, and that sucks, and it's not Zag's fault but they still shouldn't be together. Meg has taken more injury from this situation than anyone, quite literally as well as metaphorically, and it's not her fault any more than it's ours, but oh boy it has made her lash out and it's awful and it's perfect.
Meg's place in the Court of Hades is unique because she's not dead, not a mortal, not anything other than a god--but she's also not family. Nyx is not her mother. She's very much part of this system, she and her two sisters belong to Hades-the-realm and therefore also Hades-the-king, she can't leave, but she also doesn't have that protection of Nyx watching out for her in the same way. She's not royalty. She and her sisters (if you ask Hesiod instead of Virgil, which seems to be the interpretation the game's going with here) sprang from the blood of maimed Uranus at the same time as Aphrodite, but fuck knows Aphrodite isn't claiming them as siblings. And she can't be fired, exactly, but she sure can be demoted, and she sure can be made miserable in her job. Meg is vulnerable in a way very few people in Hades' employ are. She's a lot harder to do away with than any one random shade, but she's also a lot harder to miss blending in with a crowd.
What's more, she's the one person in this whole mess who is specifically tasked with stopping us from leaving. Hypnos isn't ordered to put us to sleep and keep us in our room. Thanatos can't be compelled or punished if he doesn't hunt us down. Achilles isn't told to lock us up and keep the keys. Meg is the one stationed at the doorway to Tartarus to keep us in. Meg is the one who gets in trouble when we leave. Meg (who Hades knows goddamn well Zagreus cares for, or cared for, who he absolutely knows we used to date) is the one who has to fight us again and again and again. And she's the one who keeps dying.
Again, it's this incredibly fucked-up guilt/hostage situation deliberately designed to keep people from fleeing abusive situations. Meg's insistence on fighting us now puts Zagreus in the position of having to hurt her himself again and again. Now suddenly we're the ones sticking a sword in our ex-girlfriend. Now suddenly someone can point to our desire to leave, to flee, to escape, and say, how selfish. How cruel. How terrible of us to want to go, when we're even willing to hurt the people we love to do it.
Except, right: Hades is the one who demands Meg stand there and stop us. Hades is the one who puts both of us in that position. Meg is also in an abusive situation, and she's willing to hurt us to protect herself. "I'd rather be on your bad side than your father's." It's easy to blame her at the start for being complicit, for being a tool of our father's abuse, for being on his side. It gets harder as the game goes on. I've killed her so many times. There's no way for her to beat me. She knows at this point that she can't beat me. She still fights, every single time, still throws herself upon that spike, not because she thinks she has any chance of stopping me but because she is so damn scared of what will happen if she doesn't try.
In fact, Meg's the one person we have actually seen face consequences for our actions so far, instead of just facing the threat of them. Her sisters are here. Her sisters, who she clearly does not want here, who are wild and violent and who she does not want in her life or anywhere near her, let alone near the job she takes so much pride in. She gets to deal with them now. (Hades doesn't have to deal with them. They're still not allowed in his court. But Meg does.) She gets stabbed, and bludgeoned, and shot, and lightning-struck, and poisoned, and every other thing we do to her. Thanatos doesn't. Nyx and Achilles and Hypnos don't. Bug Meg? Oh yes. Meg pays.
And yes, ok, she is complicit in this system. Everybody is complicit in this system. Zagreus who's trying to escape on his own behalf instead of overthrowing his father for the sake of everyone he'd otherwise be leaving behind is complicit in this system. Pointing fingers and pulling strings of who's more at fault? and who do we blame for this? is exactly how this sort of system perpetuates itself. Your sister always talked back at the dinner table and put everyone in an even worse and more violent mood. Your coworker refuses to work more than forty hours a week so now you have to take overtime to pick up their slack. You're enabling your dad by asking your sister to shut up, you're enabling your employer by working as hard as you do so you don't get fired, everyone's at fault, everyone's to blame, everyone is--
It's not everyone. It's Hades. It's Hades at the root of everything, and probably something big and institutional and fucked-up even beyond him. But even if everyone down in this Underworld does have to be trapped here forever, even if he's trapped here forever, Hades is neither challenging the system that put them here nor trying to make that fate better for anyone else stuck with him. He's just created an entire kingdom of backbiting and misery and people who can either go along with his whims or suffer the consequences.
At this point in the game, Meg is so fucking tired. Every time we run into her in the lounge, hunched over a table, the venom in her voice when she tells us "Do I look like I have anything to say to you?" is so bitter and so exhausted. There was a system, and she knew her place in the system, and it was a system divinely ordered by the gods themselves, and sure it was cruel but that's the literal will of the universe as far as she knows it. She had a role, and her role was vengeance and punishment and violence against those who'd committed the most egregious of sins in life, and there was a point to it, she was the divine deterrent to convince people not to do those things, and that was just, and that was right. The GODS THEMSELVES said so. How do you argue with that? You can't possibly argue with that!
And Zagreus is arguing with that. In trying to leave, he's questioning the unbreakable rule that nothing in the Underworld ever gets to leave it. In disobeying his father to do so, he's questioning the unbreakable rule that what the gods say is LAW. He's breaking everything.
And of course he's not trying to do any of that. He's not trying to destabilize the system at all. He's just trying to get himself out of it, to a place where he feels like he belongs and maybe a parent who's slightly nicer to him than this one. But toxic systems like this one break when the people within them have access to another option. When the kids find a way to actually leave, and not answer the phone, and not come home for holidays, and not deal with it any more. When the employees have the economic freedom to quit. When opportunities granted by education, money, social support, etc etc etc, show up and give people a choice. Even if the option is only ever for Zagreus--he's demonstrating that an option exists. Which is, of course, the one thing the system cannot ever allow.
I really like this game.
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Confident 02 | jjk
↳ Summary: After giving Jungkook the best suck of his life he’s left wondering if what you said was true. Was it really your first time? ‘Cause Jungkook thinks you might’ve lied.
↳ Pairing: Jungkook x Reader
↳ Genre: Smut, fluff, angst, college au, fuckboy! jk, our fav cheeky virgin reader!
↳ Rating: 18+
↳ Word count: 8.8k
↳ Warnings: swearing, mentions of past toxic relationship, mentions of being pressured into sex, mentions of body image, mentions of stds, Jungkook being very confused, no smut in this part
↳ a/n: here it is !!! thank you for all the love for the first part, i hope you enjoy this part ! please feel free to leave any feedback <3
↳ Series: 01 | 02 | 03 | 04
Previously...
“She said it's her first time.” He pauses, looking up at his friends' concerned faces. “I think she might’ve lied.”
“I’m sorry, what?”
Jungkook groans, cradling his head before banging it on the table. The utensils on the table rattle and clang, bringing unwanted attention to his mini breakdown. Taehyung is quick to place his hand under Jungkook's forehead just as he goes in for another blow. “Ok, Jungkook- Jungkook!” Jimin giggles beside him. “Fucking stop, people are staring.”
Jungkook pauses and subtly peeks out of his long bangs, checking to see that Taehyung’s words were indeed true. He breathes out and sits up in his chair, fixing his shirt to play off that he wasn’t just having a mental meltdown.
Jimin rolls his eyes, “soooo are you gonna talk now, cause’ I have a horrible headache and you’re really not helping.”
Jungkook nods opening his mouth to speak. “Alright so uh, I met a girl last night and-”
“I thought you went home?” Taehyung shoves Jimin’s shoulder and Jungkook glares, “yeah, well that clearly didn’t happen.” He rubs his temples, “could you do me a favour and let me speak first, and then you can ask the questions. Ok?”
The two boys nod, settling into their seats as Jungkook delves back into his story.
“Alright so anyways, I saw this girl and like, I haven’t ever seen her before? She was literally perfect”. He exhales looking at nothing at particular as he continues. “Gorgeous face, prettiest lips and oh! speaking of her lips, God the way she sucked-”
Despite what Jungkook said earlier, Taehyung feels the need to intervene. “Ok as much as I love a good suck myself, I need you to stop here, we don’t need the graphics.” Jimin nods in agreement even though it’s clear he’s not paying an ounce of attention. Jungkook smirks at the memory, but it soon drops as he remembers one tiny detail. He places his hands on the table, total seriousness etched onto his face. “But here’s the kicker, she said it was her first time.”
Confusion.
“So did you or did you not take her virginity?”Jungkook crosses his arms. “No, after that she just up and left.” “Wait, fuck”, Jungkook suddenly realises, “I didn’t even make her cum”, he groans and Taehyung bursts into laughter. This finally garners Jimin’s attention, his dazed eyes squinting. “Who’s the girl?” Jungkook sighs, “if you were listening before you would’ve heard me say that I don’t know her.” Jimin leans forward,“well can you at least describe her? I pretty much know everyone who attended the party”
Jungkook doesn’t have to think that hard. “She was wearing this plaid skirt and like a white top-” Jimin’s eyes widen, “Holy shit, Y/N?! Man, Jin’s gonna kill you.” This makes Jungkook pause, thoughts running back to the text he had received from Jin. “Wait, they’re not a thing are they?” Jimin chokes, “God no, they’ve been family friends since like forever, Jin’s practically her protective older brother.”
That explained his text earlier. Jungkook furrows his brows, more questions beginning to arise and spill out of his mouth. “How come I’ve never met her and if she’s a virgin, then how- how did-”, Taehyung cuts in, “dude she’s done other things before.” More confusion. “And how would you know that?” Taehyung smirks, shrugging as he gets up out of his chair. “I'm gonna get a drink, Jimin, you want anything?” God, his head is spinning. “Sure, you know my usual.”
It was the way Taehyung spoke too casually, like your lifestyle choices were common knowledge. How the fuck hasn’t he met you, yet his friends seem to be well acquainted with your existence? “What the fuck was that look?” He focuses on Taehyung from where he orders his drinks. “Did you see it Jimin? Kinda sus.”
Jimin remains nonchalant, blowing a strand of hair out of his sight before answering one of Jungkook’s urgent queries. “Jin never introduced you to her because well…” He looks Jungkook up and down with an unimpressed look. “You would get your grimy hands on her immediately. And Then after that, It’s like she never existed ” Jungkook opens his mouth, rebuttal on the tip of his tongue. “Don’t argue with me boy, the second you met her, you already wanted her on your dick, did you not?”
Jungkook is shocked to say the least, jaw hanging open as Taehyung makes his way back to the table, drinks in hand. “Oh God, what did you tell him?” Jungkook slams his fist on the table, yet again grabbing the attention of people around them. “That is not true! I have standards, and what about you two. You guys are just as bad.” He points accusingly at the bruises peeking out of Taehyung’s loose shirt, “Look at Tae! Those hickies are probably a combination of the three girls he fucked last week!”
Jimin doesn’t want to get kicked out of the cafe, so he attempts to calm down a soon to be raging Jungkook. “Look, to put it nicely, you’re a heartbreaker, you lead girls on whereas Tae and I actually tell people we’re not interested in anything more than a hookup.”
Jungkook seems to understand where he’s coming from. He can admit, he does have quite the reputation if the amount of times he’s been slapped in the face says anything. But now, with this newfound information, he can also admit that you’ve certainly intrigued him, that was for sure.
Jungkook wants to see you again.
Not for a rump in the sheets, but rather a friendly conversation.
It was just his luck that he had heard through the grapevine that you had been invited to one of Jin’s small pool party get togethers. If Jungkook was being honest, he’s quite excited to be within your vicinity again but he knows he needs to keep his cool. Especially after the series of death threats and slaps on the neck from Jin. He shudders at the memory.
And so, Jungkook prepares himself more than he usually does. He wants to do it right this time. No flirty teasing, just friendly innocent conversation. He makes sure to carefully pick out the right swim shorts that display the thickness of his thighs. Not for any sexual gain, more so to show off the hours spent at the gym in hopes that maybe he can get you to become more interested in him as he is to you. He sounds desperate, and he’s sure you’re not that materialistic, but he has this nagging want to impress you somehow. He huffs and does a few pushups, for extra measure of course.
He’s not sure as to why his brain decided to make him act this way. You’re more or less a stranger to him. However, when Jungkook begins his short journey to Jin’s house he really lets himself think, which usually isn't a good idea.
Jungkook doesn’t know you, but you’ve definitely left an imprint in his mind which makes you all the more fascinating. It’s news to him that you seem to be very close to his small circle of friends which is probably thanks to your deeply rooted friendship with Jin. That new piece of information had been bugging him since the day he met up with Taehyung and Jimin. Surely his reputation couldn’t be the only reason why you’ve never met him. Right?
Parking his car in Jin’s enormous driveway, he makes his way up to the grand front door. Sometimes he wishes he could live a life like Jin. He grew up being fed with a silver spoon his whole life. Having everything paid for instead of rolling in the miseries of college student debt.
Once Jungkook makes his way into the large house, he sets down the drinks he had brought onto the kitchen counter and watches his best friends goof around and enjoy the summer sun with a warm grin. He chuckles quietly when Jin pushes Jimin and his perfectly styled hair into the pool. Jimin screams a slur of curses while Jin quickly runs beside a sleeping Yoongi for protection.
Slipping out of his loose oversized shirt, Jungkook scans the entirety of Jin’s backyard, looking for the face that has been haunting him since that fateful night. She’s not here. He reexamines the pool seeing nothing but the chaotic mess of his favourite people, and he sighs. Just as he prepares to step out into the blazing sun, the sound of his stomach growling stops him in his tracks.
Thinking about you made him nervous. So nervous that his stomach couldn’t bear the thought of breakfast. However, after the realisation that you hadn’t arrived just yet, makes him do a full one eighty, long strides taking him to Jin’s expensive fridge.
His head is already deep into the fridge when he hears the sound of the sliding door opening, revealing a dripping Jin with a small scowl on his face. It seems Jimin finally got his revenge. “I’m starving you got any leftovers?” Jungkook queries, his head popping out from the cool air of the fridge.
Jin grabs a fresh towel and whacks it against Jungkook’s naked back. “What’s the point of even asking when you’re already going through my damn fridge!” Jungkook flashes Jin an innocent grin and glows when he discovers a small bowl of Chinese takeout.
It very quickly dawns on Jungkook that in order to enjoy a nice warm meal, he would need to heat it up. His stomach all but roars, not used to the lack of food in its system and Jungkook wants to cry. He wants to cry and it's not from the angry hunger pains, but rather something extremely laughable. He has to use a fucking microwave.
You’re running late, there’s sweat running down your brow and you feel like your arms will fall off any second. The weight of snacks and alcohol you had brought making you stagger as you finally enter Jin’s enormous home.
The one and only thing that’s on your mind is the refreshing feeling of slipping into Jin’s pool while sipping on an iced beverage. This motivates you enough to put all the strength left in your exhausted being to speedily walk into the kitchen and throw everything onto the counter.
“AHH FUCK!” You flinch at the sudden scream, hugging your body protectively. Jungkook slowly pops out from behind the other side of the counter, his doe eyes big and wide. “You fucking scared me Jesus!” He exclaims, running a hand through sweaty bangs.
The air had escaped your lungs long before you could utter your next sentence as the sight before you has you freezing. There he was, Jeon Jungkook in all his glory. Tanned skin and taut muscle sculpted by the Gods. You didn’t mean to stare, but how could you not! Your eyes had a mind of their own. He’s glorious, every single part of him, and you’re not even afraid to admit it. Your eyes are quick to eat him up, tracing the art staining the whole of his right arm and you wonder what every swirl of ink means to him.
Jungkook coughs awkwardly, going in to scratch at his neck. You imagined he would tease you about your obvious ogling, but it never came. Strange. “Why were you hiding?” You ask, dropping your gaze from his body in order to arrange the snacks into neat piles, using it as an excuse to slowly step closer to him. “Oh! Uh-”, he scratches his head, looking down at his feet before jumping five feet into the air, a startled gasp leaving his lips when the timer of the microwave goes off.
You burst into laughter and Jungkook flushes in embarrassment. Jin had told you about Jungkook’s embarrassing fear of microwaves but you never thought you would see it first hand. You hold in the laughs that tickle your throat and try to settle him down by lightly touching his shoulder. He flinches at your touch.
“Are you okay?” You’re really close to him now. Your chest is practically pressed up against his and Jungkook gulps. How was it possible that you could look even more stunning than the last time he saw you? Your cheeks are glowing from the soft golden rays of the afternoon sun and the way you look up at him, your soft smile curling makes his head spin.
“Yeah, I’m good”, he breaks eye contact in embarrassment. “Sorry, just uh, microwaves are scary you know?” You giggle up at him. Is this really Jungkook? The Jungkook you’ve seen flaunting a new girl every week just to abruptly break her heart when he can’t promise anything more than sex?
You’re not complaining, he’s quite adorable like this.
You’re not too sure why his personality has the sudden switch up. It could possibly be the fact that he’s with his closest friends and doesn’t feel the need to put up his playboy persona. Although, the way he blushes when he looks at you plays a different story. Do you make him nervous? Surely not, if the memories of that heated night are anything to go by.
“So uh, are you gonna head into the pool?” His empty stomach is long forgotten as he gestures to the large backyard, you nod up at him excitedly. It’s then Jin decides to bust back into the kitchen, a stern gaze set on his face. “Y/N, can I speak with you for a minute?” Jungkook cautiously takes a step away from you, your bodies no longer close to each other and you notice this with a small frown.
“Yeah, sure”, you relent walking over to Jin who places a protective arm around your shoulders. Unknowingly to you, Jin traps Jungkook down with a hard stare and signals Jungkook to go outside, to which he accepts with a nod.
“I know what you’re gonna say, and no I do not see him like that”, you cross your arms defensively. Jin sighs, “I just don’t wanna see you get hurt again.” He places his hands on your shoulders, full lecture mode on. “Let’s face it, you’re a hopeless romantic, I can’t trust that you won’t do something stupid, but you and Jungkook… You’re both important friends of mine and-”
You’ve heard his overprotective brotherly speech plenty of times, “I know, and I’m so thankful that you’re looking out for me. I just don’t see the harm in befriending him, you’ve never let me speak to him before.” Jin releases his hold on your shoulders to fix the mess of his wet hair, “and there's a reason for that.”
Why was he so damn hard-headed. Jin loves Jungkook like he loves his family. It just didn't make any sense to you that Jin could approve of their friendship but when it comes to you, he completely shields you away from any interactions with the so called playboy.
“When are you going to stop protecting me from boys?” Jin senses your frustration immediately. “I may be younger than you, but I’m also an adult just like you. An adult that can make her own choices.” You exhale slowly, “You’ve let me befriend your whole group and they’ve been nothing but wonderful to me, I don’t see the wrong in getting to know Jungkook.”
Jin lets his guard down. You do have a point, maybe he was being a little too overprotective. He gives you a soft smile, you look away.
“You’re right, I am in no position to dictate your decisions and who you choose to hang around with, it was wrong of me to treat you like that. Jin looks out into the pool, watching Jungkook tackle Taehyung. “I’m sorry I was a bit too harsh, Jungkook’s a good kid, he just got into the wrong crowd at first. Although, you gotta promise to tell me if he hurts you, cause he knows I’ll beat his ass.”
You laugh accepting his apology, “are you sure about that? He’s a literal muscle pig.” You both begin to make your way outside and Jin shoves you slightly, “hey! You know I’m right.” Jin shakes his head and brings you into a comforting hug. “Yeah, yeah whatever.” He rolls his eyes, you beam up at him and together you walk out into the warm sunlight.
It hadn’t even been a second since you stepped outside, and already Yoongi’s long term girlfriend, Jieun is squealing your way. “Y/N! I’m so happy you're finally here, the amount of testosterone out here was starting to make me feel faint.” You giggle at her exasperated tone, pulling her into a tight hug.
Nonchalantly you peel off your flowy sundress, it’s stickiness from your sweat making you cringe. “I missed you last week, why didn’t you come to class?” Jiuen pouts, “I'm sorry bub, I somehow caught a cold, but I trust you have some notes for me.”
The way Jieun flutters her lashes at you innocently forces a roll from your eyes. Slathering sunscreen onto your arms, you reprimand her, “I swear you’re only using me for my notes, you literally never listen in class! Can you get my back please?”
She hums while you turn around, her small hands kneading sunscreen from your shoulder bones to the small dip in your back. Jieun continues to blabber on about the joys of life, not even checking if you’re listening to a single word she says. Instead your eyes are zeroed in on a certain someone.
Your staring is blatantly obvious but you don’t care. It’s only when Taehyung spots your burning gaze with a small smirk does he signal Jungkook to turn around to meet your flirty grin.
Holy shit
The sun does a real great job of highlighting the gorgeous curves of your body adorned in quite possibly the smallest baby blue bikini he’s seen on a woman. Your breasts practically spill out of the tiny triangle cups and the pretty colour compliments your skin beautifully.
Whilst Jungkook can admit you have one of the hottest bodies he’s seen in a while, his eyes surprisingly don't linger on your delicious curves for too long. Instead, he finds himself utterly enamoured by the way your eyes crinkle slightly when you smile prettily at him, your cheeks glowing with it.
It suddenly dawns on him that you are the first girl that has truly enchanted him, and no, your ridiculously gorgeous body had little to do with it.
Jungkook does not mind this change one bit.
So, instead of staring at you like a gaping goldfish, he matches your flirtatious body language with a boyish grin and a small wave. His previous nerves dissipating only to be replaced by confidence and polished charm. He doesn’t want to scare you off with his sudden look of epiphany just yet, but the new unfamiliar feeling you give him is surely doing exactly that.
“My, my, Yoongi wasn’t lying.” Jieun stifles a giggle when she notices how Jungkook’s attention has steered towards you and only you. You’re quick to turn around, brows furrowed. “What are you on about?”
“Oh you know… You and Jungkook”
You grimace, tired of the repeated topic of conversation. “Just because I sucked his dick once does not mean we're a thing”
“Oh really? He’s asked me an awful lot of questions about you I was beginning to think otherwise”
“Wait, really?”
Jieun has the widest cheshire grin plastered on her face, it's starting to look quite unsettling.
“Really.”
You’re thoroughly shocked to say the least. You thought your fast, fleeting blowjob, sort of, was nothing special. A usual escapade to get his daily fill. Ordinary. Unmemorable.
However, it seems to be quite the opposite.
Jieun grabs your hand and swings it back and forth, exactly like a mother would do, although she’s merely two years older than you. “I know Jin’s been up your ass about Jungkook and frankly I don’t blame him he’s still a little shit from time to time but, he’s actually quite fun to be around and honestly I think his playboy tendencies seemed to dial down a bit since he met us.” The two of you giggle quietly amongst each other, quick feet making your way closer to the pool to avoid the scorching pavement.
Your toes are the first to dip into the pool and you practically moan at the cold water melting away the blistering haze that sticks onto your skin. The water is icy at your waist and you love it. “So my advice would be not to worry about him, instead it's his little army of plastic bimbos that you should watch out for.”
“Ahh, internalised misogyny. We love to see it.”
Jieun acknowledges you with a hum as the two of you float around the calming abyss. She then swims closer to you, nodding her head into the direction of a lonely Jungkook, who lazily stares at your alluring form. “I think your loverboy over there wants to talk to you.”
Jieun swims away before you can protest, leaving you to face the handsome man before you. His eyes are round and docile, yet his stare is tantalising, it pulls you in as if he’s slowly reeling you in with a rope.
The water delicately ripples around your body when you approach him and you internally sigh in awe at the striking features of his stunning face. You want to use this opportunity to finally get to know him, and perhaps form a new friendship.
You take note of the lack of Jin’s hawk-like eyes or for better the lack of any eyes on the two of you. You’re alone, huddled into one of the far corners of the pool, your conversation private, just for two pairs of ears.
You open your mouth to speak, “So-”
“I-”
An uncomfortable silence stills the air and you both halt your words to giggle quietly amongst yourselves. God, this is awkward.
“You go first”, You offer, tucking a wet strand of hair behind your ear. Jungkook follows the subtle movement of your fingers before taking a deep breath.
“I feel like we should discuss the elephant in the room”
You're stunned. “Huh?”
“You know… That Friday night?”
Of course you knew what he was referring too, yet you wondered why as you honestly didn’t think that night had much impact on the man.
With a raised brow you ask, “What about it?”
“I’ve just had a lot of... thoughts”
You scratch your head feeling puzzled. You’re sure Jungkook has had better blowjobs in his lifetime. Hell, Jungkook did most of the work that night. “Do you usually discuss the past hookups you have, or am I just lucky today?”
You’re teasing him, nevertheless Jungkook tilts his head back towards the sky. All he wants is clarification, only this conversation is heading down an awkward path, so he decides to spit out what’s been bothering him for the past few days.
“Okay listen, I know this is odd to say, but ever since that night, It’s like I can’t get you out of my head.”
Your ego inflates at his statement and you smirk. You knew you could suck dick well, but according to Jungkook you seem to have quite the talent.
You smile proudly, “damn, look at me go, I can’t believe I have the campus playboy wrapped around my finger.”
Jungkook scoffs, both in annoyance and embarrassment because shit, he could have worded that differently, now he sounds like the clingy girls he fucks.
“Yeah, yeah let’s not pretend like I was the only one enjoying myself here. Weren’t you the one practically begging to be touched?”
You’re amused. “Weren’t you the one who couldn’t make me cum. Yet came from their own handjob?”
Jungkook tongues his cheek and looks away. The way you speak so casually intimidates him. No girl has ever spoken to him this way, in fact, Jungkook’s the one who usually likes to tease. He can slowly feel the creeping heat alighting his cheeks and God does he hope you don’t notice.
You patiently wait for Jungkook’s reply, a sly grin adorned on your pretty face. However, Jungkook doesn’t say anything, rather he frowns and immaturely splashes water at your face.
“Jungkook!” You sputter, wiping at your face to rid of the chlorine in your eyes. “What the fuck was that for?”
He shrugs, “sorry my hand must’ve slipped”
You don’t take that for an answer, your petty nature crawling out as you splash him back harder than he had done. “Hand slipped, my ass.”
You cross your arms smugly, a small laugh blossoming out of your mouth when Jungkook cutely rubs at his eyes.
It’s after a minute when you realise Jungkook hasn’t stopped furiously rubbing his eyes. The circular motions of his hand move so intensely that it begins to look painful and irritating. “Fuck, it stings”, he exclaims in agony.
Shit, you inwardly curse, gently touching his wrist, concern lacing your features because you didn’t think getting chlorinated water in one's eye would sting that much. You analyse his facial expressions closely and you wince at the redness surrounding his eyes from his harsh rubbing.
On the contrary, Jungkook knows exactly what he’s doing. He’s competitive and won’t back down from a fight, even if it’s just fun banter, so he continues his little scheme just for the fun of it and hides his small grin under his large hands.
You’re now slightly panicked, “fuck, Jungkook I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hit the water that hard I-”
Jungkook cracks.
Ever so slowly, he peeps his eyes out at you and watches with a mischievous smirk as your face morphs from alarmed to annoyed in less than a millisecond.
You tighten your grip on his wrist and attempt to slap his hard chest with your free hand, however Jungkook’s reflexes are fast and he grasps your hand tightly, a teasing glint in his eye.
“You little shit-”
All of a sudden a loud holler is heard from the front door, rousing a relaxed Jin out of his chair as he sprints while simultaneously yelling at the ruckus being made. It’s then a stampede of both familiar and unfamiliar faces come crashing in. Some jump straight into the pool to cool off from the blazing sun while others rush to the table of assorted alcohol, desperate to get an ounce of it in their system.
Word seemed to go around about Jin’s supposed small get-together unbelievably fast, causing the once tranquil Kim Seokjin into a raging volcano.
You’re pressed right up against Jungkook’s solid chest and he surprisingly pays you no mind, even though your perky tits are deliciously pushed up perfectly against his body. Jungkook’s eyes are not settled on them, rather he pays close attention to the amount of people dangerously plunging into the pool at a fast rate.
Jungkook protectively hugs your shoulders to shield you from the rowdy party goers who definitely do not understand the definition of personal space. Your heart swells when he then delicately places your head in the crook of his neck and wraps an arm around your fairly exposed body, essentially guarding you from frantic wet limbs and ignorant individuals.
You feel comfortable and safe, so comfortable that you wouldn’t mind staying like this for a while if it weren’t for the throng of college students delving into the cooling water.
Jin’s house begins to fill with unexpected guests very quickly and you wonder how Jin is handling the situation. You suppose not very well when you see him whipping people with towels, red ears making an appearance and his booming voice following him.
Jungkook wants to get out and he’s sure you feel the same way which is why he smoothly slots his hand into your own, long fingers wrapping around your hand to carefully pull you through the growing crowd of people in the pool.
Whilst pushing past a variety of college students you are met with many stares, even worse, numerous envious eyes and whispers of possible gossip. You try your best to avoid their gazes, the hard stares reminding you of the last time Jungkook held your hand to push through groups of people.
Water drips down the curves of your body and lands in little pools around you when you step out of the pool. At this point you’ve garnered even more turning heads that examine every inch of your skin closely. Their stares itch your skin and you feel akin to an animal kept in a zoo enclosure, curious eyes breaking down your confidence, you want to hide.
You usually like to pride yourself on your confidence because you know you’re hot and you know your worth. It had taken many failed relationships to build up your self love and nourish the scars and memories of questioning if you’re good enough.
You fight on and squeeze Jungkook’s hand, mostly for some sort of reassurance. It shocks you when he astonishingly squeezes back and softly rubs his thumb over the back of your hand. It’s almost as if he knows how you’re feeling.
You glance up at him shyly. Jungkook keeps his eyes straight ahead. He smiles a different kind of smile than the one he had directed to you a few hours ago. His lips are in a permanent smug smirk. His usual playboy smile. He flashes it at everyone as if he’s asking for their approval and even goes in to high-five a few people who are unrecognisable to you. You soon realise that this is what Jungkook thrives on. People, validation and his notorious reputation he’s created for himself.
Jungkook lights up at the presence of crowds, flirty smiles and people calling his name, whereas you want to crawl into your skin and run away because from the perspective of outsiders it looks like you’re just another one of Jungkook’s flings that will soon be forgotten by next week.
Well, you hope you won’t turn out to be one of them.
At last you find yourself away from the heart of the party, your dress in hand but your body still wet nonetheless. Jungkook is in the same state as yourself, droplets of water dribbling from his dark hair and onto the timber flooring. He leans into your ear, “I’ll go get us some towels, stay here.”
He’s gone before you can reply, making small conversation when he passes by various people, his boisterous laugh echoing down the halls.
You’re alone now, and defenceless at that. There’s not many people you know here, besides the few odd people you share a class with and some sleazy frat boys that hold a similar reputation to Jungkook. You want to find Jieun so you can hug her or maybe ask her if she can take you home, but she is nowhere to be found.
Fuck, You remember leaving your bag on the kitchen table, unsupervised with many personal belongings stowed away inside. Using your dress to cover the most of your exposed skin like a blanket, you stride over to the kitchen and sigh in relief when you find your bag untouched and in perfect condition.
Snatching up your bag, you grab your phone and immediately text Jieun to find out where the fuck she’s hiding, but there’s a part of you that knows she’s probably fucking Yoongi somewhere. Traitor.
Jungkook finds you to be in a completely different part of the house than where he asked you, one towel wrapped around his neck and the other draped over his arm. You haven’t noticed him yet, your frantic fingers texting a treacherous Jieun, “princess, didn’t I tell you to stay put?”
You’re startled. Switching your phone off you stick your arm out, waiting for Jungkook to pass you the towel but he doesn't. Jungkook gently pushes your shoulders so that you turn away from him and carefully wraps the towel around your body like a cape. You hold the edges of the fabric to help him hug the towel around yourself, keeping it tighter to your body.
Your voice is quiet, “thank you.”
Jungkook leans down to meet your face, “What was that?”
Even though Jungkook had been in the pool longer than you, his cologne still sticks to his skin and you kind of want to breathe more of it in, but that would be weird.
“Oh, I said thank you.”
You’re close to him again, although this time he towers over you with a look almost identical to a predator meeting its prey.
Jungkook’s eyes flirt around your face and descend. He shamelessly drinks up the swell of your breasts and whatever skin is visible amidst the fluffy towel around you. It’s strange. You had noticed Jungkook doing the exact same thing when you were alone with him. The difference though was that his looks were cursory as if he didn’t want to make you uncomfortable. Now, It's like a new persona had taken over him and he was ready to pounce at any sign of a green light.
He’s stuck in a trance, fuckboy tinted glasses fogging his vision.
You force out a giggle and playfully shove his shoulder, “my eyes are up here, you know.”
His reply comes lighting fast, he’s definitely been in this position before. “I know, just admiring them.”
Jungkook wants to hit himself the second his reply spewed out of his mouth. He desperately wants to reassure your unimpressed (though also very cute) face, because goddammit he wanted to be respectful. Jungkook knows he has a tendency to slip into a new personality when the right amount of people hyped him. Call it being two faced, he knows it's one of his fatal flaws.
“I'm sorry.”
He says it genuinely.
Jungkook only just got to properly meet you, he doesn’t want to give you the wrong impression! He can admit, your first ever official meeting (moreso hookup) wasn’t ideal, yet the way Jin dragged him through the mud undoubtedly made him understand that you weren’t the type of woman that should ever undergo the treatment he puts his hookups through. Scratch that, any woman shouldn’t be treated the way Jungkook treats them.
You're now fully covered under the towel, not a sliver of skin on display. You don’t know if his apology was genuine. “It’s ok I guess, I expected nothing less from you anyways.”
“Right.” He’s messed up.
You clear your throat, “I’m gonna go get changed, maybe look for Jieun unless-”
Jungkook finishes your sentence, “-she’s fucking Yoongi.”
You exhale, “yeah.”
“Jeon Jungkook!”
The voice makes you halt at its familiar tone. Jungkook doesn’t notice your growing panic as he too freezes in his spot.
No, it can’t be.
The world plays in slow motion when he walks into your line of vision. His assertive stride, smug smile and sharp eyes.
Jeong Suho.
His name explodes inside of you like a blistering fire yet your heart feels ice cold. He is the very man you have spent weeks trying to avoid and even more trying to get out of your head.
The world plays at a normal speed when he approaches Jungkook. Their facial expressions are the same, the way they greet each other is the same. They’re practically the same breed of fuckboy, born from the same mother.
“Been awhile since I’ve seen you around.”
Jeong Suho was a person that Jungkook didn’t really mind, In fact there was a point in Jungkook’s life where he would’ve considered Suho to be one of his closest friends. They were two peas in a pod freshmen year of college. Never giving a fuck about their education and always present for any opportunity to get completely wasted with as many girls they could possibly seduce. Nowadays, Jungkook would rather keep his distance from him.
On the contrary, you were one of the many girls that had fallen deeply for Suho’s alluring charm. You fell so hard, you thought that maybe just maybe there was a possibility that you could secure a future with him. Obviously that was not the case.
You thank your lucky stars that Jungkook was there to distract Suho while you make your haste escape. All you need to do now is somehow locate an unoccupied bathroom, preferably without having to walk in on someone getting it on, and then you could get the hell out of there.
You must admit, you look quite ridiculous right now. Navy blue towel wrapped tightly around your body, your small head peeking through. You could probably pass as some form of E.T cosplay right now. You don’t care if you look rude, pushing and shoving whoever stands in your way. You only have one goal and you’re so so close to succeeding-
“Wait, Y/N! Is that you?”
Fuck.
Do you run? Maybe duck behind some poor innocent student looking for a good time? You huff, you're already sticking out like a sore thumb, there’s no use in trying to hide when the enemy has already spotted you. Even worse Jungkook motions you over with a wide gleaming smile. If only he knew how much you’re dreading this interaction.
Grudgingly, you walk over, looking like an irritated gremlin with your towel still firmly secured around you. Jungkook makes matters worse by pushing the towel off your head, releasing your scruffy ball of hair. You grimace.
“I didn’t know you knew Y/N?”
Suho sends a smirk your way. You however, glower.
“Yeah we go way back, don’t we baby?”
You force a tight lipped smile, howbeit you look as if you have a mild case of constipation.
“Sure.” It comes out rough through gritted teeth.
Suho notes your frustration, a sly grin carving onto his punchable face. He turns towards Jungkook, seemingly blocking you from their conversation, yet you know Suho wants you to hear what he has to say.
“You know it’s a shame. Y/N’s gorgeous, ten outta ten body, knows how to put it to good use, however she never let me fuck her. Don’t you think that’s weird?”
Jungkook stays silent for a minute, eyeing your shaking fists and angry eyebrows. Jungkook may be dumb, but he sure knows how to read a room, thus leading him to the conclusion that your relationship with Suho isn’t something you’re very fond of and that he should probably get you out of here.
“Uhhh no, that’s not weird at all actually. What I think is weird is the fact that you think you have this sick claim on every girl you’ve defiled and even worse, you’ve always had this strange need to chase after every virgin you see like some perverted cherry picker. Yeah, that’s weird.”
Suho laughs right in his face, spit grossly tickling his skin. “That’s rich coming from you Jeon, weren't you quite the cherry picker in your freshman days, no?”
Jungkook doesn’t know what he expected from this conversation. It definitely wasn’t this.
It's obvious that Jungkook isn’t a saint, he really fucking far from it. Although, one thing's for sure, it’s his absolute hatred for the way his brain was wired in his freshman year of college. Yes, Jungkook still remains as one of the standing campus fuckboys but he’s gained a few more brain cells since then.
Jungkook opens his mouth to retort, only to be met with Suho’s back as he turns his attention towards you.
“Y/N, darling if I were you i’d make a run for it, ya know keep your chastity intact or whatever.” His smile is saccharine sweet, though his words are sickly sour.
The months of pent up anger stored within your being bubbles and overflows like a bad science experiment. You’ve quickly decided that now’s that time to expose the shitty excuse of a man, and quite frankly you don’t care that you have an audience. Actually, an audience would make this all the better.
Your finger is strong, pointing accusingly at his broad chest. “You know what you stupid motherfucker? Don’t waltz in here with that dumb smile of yours when you know you have some disgusting cheesy infection growing down there.”
Suho’s eyes widen slightly. It was no secret he was a walking STD, just about infecting every girl that was naive enough to sit on his dick.
Everyone at the party has definitely stopped to listen to what you have to say. You even spot Jin from the corner of your eye sending you a proud smile. “And while we're on the topic of cheese, Learn how to wash your fucking dick!”
You don’t let him have a moment to speak, grabbing Jungkook’s hand and pulling him out of the house.
A few people applaud, some girls praise you on your way out. You give them no mind, you’ve had enough for tonight.
Jungkook starts his car, no questions asked. It’s obvious to him that there’s bad blood between you and Suho. What you don’t know is that Jungkook can also relate.
Technically there was no bad blood between them, moreso the hurtful memories and manipulation Suho put him through. To put it simply, Suho was probably the worst influence Jungkook could ever have as a vunerable freshman.
The crunch of gravel and soft melodies that spill out of Jungkook’s radio converse with eachother and fill the defeaning silence that sits between you and Jungkook.
Jungkook doesn’t even know where he’s going, he just drives.
Every so often he checks up on you from the corner of his eye. Your knees stick tightly together and point away from him. Your fingers curl and uncurl, leaving cresent moons in your skin. And to finish it off, your face remains still, hostility completely washing over your features. If Jungkook didn’t know any better he would think you’d jump out of his car and make a run for it at the chance of him stopping the car.
It’s seven sniffles later when Jungkook decides he knows where he should take you.
The night sky is clear and the stars burn brightly to accompany the full round moon. It’s the perfect setting for release and maybe a screaming session if you’re up for it.
Jungkook makes a stop behind a forest of tall trees and a dirt path. You sit up immediately.
“Where are we?” Your eyes are rimmed with tears, “I want to go home.”
Jungkook shuts the engine off, “you never told me where you live.”
“Well you never asked!”
Maybe you shouldn’t have yelled because from the looks of it, Jungkook just wants to help you out and clearly you’re not being the friendliest right now.
You curl back into yourself, “sorry”, another sniffle.
Jungkook brings your fists into his hands and warmly opens them up. You refuse to look at him, it doesn’t deter Jungkook one bit.
Tenderly he brings a finger under your chin, gradually bringing your eyes up to his. Jungkook takes his time with you, careful to not set you off until you’re face to face with his warm eyes.
“I brought you here because it’s apparent we both need let out some pent up steam.” He drags his fingers delicately across the curve of your chin and back into his lap. His touch is fleeting, you miss it already. “I just thought you may want to vent or just shout out into the void, it’s up to you.” You nod, fully trusting Jungkook’s intentions. “And at any time you feel like going home just say the word and I’ll take you there, okay?”
Your heart swells in adoration at his caring nature, though you can’t help but wonder how he can have such a sudden change in personality depending on where he is and who he’s with. It’s unnerving.
Jungkook clicks his seatbelt off and heads out the car, “put your dress back on princess, I’ll be out here waiting for you.” You mutter your confirmation and do as he asks.
The cool summer air kisses your skin and runs through your hair as you step out of the car. Jungkook is already by your side dressed in an oversize hoodie with another in his hand as well as a fuzzy blanket.
Jungkook steps closer to you, holding the hem of his hoodie to slip over your body. Without a second thought you raise your hands causing Jungkook to chuckle at how cute you look dwarfed in his clothes.
The same cologne you smelled on his skin earlier lingers on every fibre of fabric around you. His scent is everywhere, swirling around your head, instantly calming down your anxieties. You smile at him, “Lead the way Jungkook.”
Jungkook leads you up a small hill and you notice the trees opening up to display a lush field of grass. However, the sight before you leaves you in absolute wonder. You stand completely still and take it all in.
The night sky is dark but the city below illuminates is beautifully. Your gaze bounces over all the buildings, skyscrapers and their dazzling bright lights. It’s peaceful up here, you decide as you take a glimpse of the hundreds of tall structures looking so tiny, so ant-like.
Jungkook is settled behind you, his legs comfortably folded underneath himself. He remembers what it was like the first time he saw the view, which is why he doesn’t blame your stunned silence and glazed eyes.
“How did you find this place?”
You find your way towards Jungkook and plant yourself right beside him. “I don’t know, I was just driving aimlessly one night and found it, It’s nice right.”
You hum, “it’s beautiful.”
Jungkook murmurs in agreement as you lie down on the woolly blanket beneath you. The stars twinkle and glimmer amongst the deep blue sky, creating a serene experience. You shut your eyes.
“I hate him.”
Jungkook looks down at you, you don’t see him though. “Suho?”
“Yeah”, you exhale deeply, “I can’t believe I had to see him again.”
Although Jungkook knows you can’t see him, he swivels his body around to face you properly. “Did you guys date or something?”
You scoff, “pffft you know Suho doesn’t date anyone.” You open your eyes, meeting a pair of round docile ones. You continue, “Suho was the first guy who every gave me an ounce of attention. Before him guys never looked my way. Jungkook remains silent, letting you pour out what’s on your mind.
“Suho had me fooled, I thought I was special to him, thought he saw something in me that was different from the others. Turns out that was his game after all”
You speak so animatedly, your hands wave around in the air, your eyebrows scrunch when the memories come back to you. “It’s stupid really, how I used to gush to him about finding the one person in the universe that was created just for me. I guess he used this as my weak point.”
Inhale, exhale.
“He made me believe he was that special person for me, used it as an excuse to pressure me into sex.” A tear rolls down the side of your face, falling perfectly in a straight line. “I almost gave in, but something just felt so wrong. Every time I said no he would call me terrible names, tell me that no one would want me if I never gave them what they wanted. And I believed him.”
Another tear escapes your wet orbs, Jungkook is there to wipe it this time.
“I broke it off after I found out he fucked my roommate and gave her some disease.” You chuckle, “I guess I’m lucky I never let him fuck me huh?”
Jungkook’s heart breaks at your saddened eyes and the way Suho treated you, he sweeps a stray hair out of you face. “I think you dodged a bullet there princess, what he did to you was pure evil, no one, and especially you don’t deserve that”
You sit up, wiping remaining tears and thanking him as you go, “It’s your turn now.” You pat his thigh, “tell me why Suho got you so riled up tonight.”
Jungkook shuffles in his spot, “It’s actually kind of similar to you.”
You gasp sarcastically, “no way he pressured you into sex too?”
He laughs, eyes squeezing shut, “No, no, nothing like that.”
You lean closer to Jungkook, giving him the same attention he had given you. “My father left when my mother found out she was pregnant with me, so growing up I had no male figure present in my life. My mother stopped at nothing to give me that to the point that almost every week I’d wake up and see a new man drinking out of my favourite mug. I didn’t mind it because I was only a child and some part of me always hoped they would stay, but they never did.”
“My mom was a hopeless romantic. She held so much sentimental and idealistic views on love that it stuck to me. She always told me that there was someone special out there just for me.” You smile at the similar belief, Jungkook sighs.
“Cut to college, Suho was the first friend I made. I had no experience with girls whatsoever, and I still held on to my mother’s faith. Whenever I talked to Suho about it he would always shut me down or make fun of me.”
“He told me that all my feelings are bullshit, and that I only felt that way because I’ve never hooked up with anyone before. Next thing I knew we were going to parties every week getting absolutely shitfaced and fucking every girl I laid eyes on.”
You nod, listening intently. “And tonight, he hit a nerve. What he said made me realise that I’m just as bad as him. He moulded me into this person and now I have a reputation.”
Jungkook’s eyes drop, “he broke my concept of love before I even got to experience it.”
You never knew Jungkook was in a place like this. You always thought he was like Suho, built to break hearts and show no emotion when it came to love. Jungkook was nothing like that. His heart was truly big, desperately longing for someone.
Placing your hand on top of his own you comfort him as best as you can, “oh, Jungkook, trust me when I tell you this, the love in your heart is not broken. Think about it, most people you’ve met have been through college right?” He nods, “there are so many other people out there that you’ve never met, soon you’ll be able to find that someone and learn how to love. I know you present yourself as this emotionless playboy, but once you let that part of you go it’ll feel so freeing.”
Jungkook stares deeply into your eyes, he’s so thankful that he decided to bring you here, he can’t contain his happiness.
“Can I like, hug you?” Jungkook asks shyly. You smile, and it’s so big and bright Jungkook might as well be staring at the sun. Before he knows it, you’re tackling him into the most wholesome hug he’s ever had. You’re warm and you smell like vanilla, It feels like home.
“Get up”, he says abruptly, extending his arm to pull up your confused self.
“What-”, Jungkook cuts you off, “have you ever just let yourself scream?”
Jungkook has intertwined your hands together, and your heart pounds at the realisation of how well they fit together. “Well, no but I assume that’s what we’re about to do right now.”
He pulls you closer to the edge of the small hill, the view of the city sparkles right in front of you. “On the count of three, one- two- three!”
You scream, you let it all out and God does it feel refreshing.
The two of you sound utterly insane, but none you give a single fuck. You scream until your lungs burn and your throat itches you to stop.
The volume of both of your voices ring out into the night sky only for the moon, stars and yourselves. The night is still young but Jungkook wouldn’t have it any other way.
With you he lets go of everything, all the past mistakes, all the hurt because at this moment he feels like he could fly, soar into the clouds.
He feels infinite.
Taglist <3
@zibermuda @uskookie @jeonscandies @melaninkpops @apollukee @hollowtree10 @liliskies @madygswich @pjmochii @eggbutnotyolk @gyukult @yukiehyukie @purplepearl07 (couldn’t tag) @tae165 @youurkryptonite @94ser0da @french-myfries @zippytheshark37 (couldn’t tag) @we8joon @tearvantae @emrysts @inspinkyring
#ficswithluv#h0neypjm#mine#jungkook#Jungkook Fanfiction#jungkook smut#bts#bts fanfiction#jungkook x reader#bts x reader#jimin#taehyung#hoseok#seokjin#yoongi#namjoon
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