Niyyah

One of my favorite concepts in Islam is Niyyah, which is the intention in one's heart to do an act for the sake of Allah. Our actions are judged according to intentions. And Niyyah literally means intention. As a Muslim, I know I am not perfect; I don't pray perfectly, I don't live perfectly, and I make a lot of mistakes. But, I am doing my best to lead a pure life on the straight path. Perfection is impossible, niyyah is what matters.

Click here to learn about how I became Muslim last year.

Click here to learn about my struggle to learn Arabic.

Curious about what I look like? Click here.

Update: Dating Life

Many people believe that dating is forbidden in the eyes of Islam. In this article, here, you can read more about why I disagree with that notion. I wrote previously about a guy named J, in these articles: here and here. 

Sadly things didn't work out; he and I never did met up in person. It seems that we didn't have the same values and he didn't mind stringing me along. Ever since I gave up on him (just a week or so after moving out to Walnut Creek), I have become a little wary of meeting anyone else on any other dating website. Surprisingly, I’m not too heart-broken or upset about it. When I moved here, I was busy with Ramadan, my new job, and then I was busy with Eid. Now, I am swamped with work and I also have a broken toe. Quite honestly, I want true love and happiness. But I would like to think that it will happen when I am ready. It’s not a big deal.

Update: Sorry I have been Away

I'm sorry that I have been away for a few weeks; I have been busy with my move to California and starting a new job, as well as enjoying my first Ramadan as a Muslim woman.

As much as I love adventure and new beginnings, I found that uprooting myself from Wisconsin and relocating to California was much more difficult than I had anticipated. For the first 2 weeks, I felt like something was missing and I felt very lost and alone in a strange, new place. Maybe moving to Walnut Creek was hard because I was finally on my own in the real world; I have never lived all alone. I've either lived with my parents or my ex-boyfriend, but never alone. So moving 3,000 miles away from everything I've ever known was really difficult. I felt as though I had to re-build everything from the ground up and create a new home for myself.

Even though I love California, I would often find myself crying or feeling lonely. I felt like I had no connections and I wasn't sure what to do in my free time. I felt so needy, emotionally unstable, and I constantly wanted to eat, sleep, and do nothing. Then, I became sick with a terrible cold, so that created a lot of chaos and I was tired all the time. I shut myself away from everything and everyone for a few days. Shutting myself away made me so sad and I became anxious and scared. I started wondering why I moved out here to California. I felt like a stranger in my own home.

Starting my new job as a summer school teacher helped me gain confidence in myself. After I learned to be comfortable hanging out with myself, I started to feel less lonely. Slowly, I've made some great connections here in California. I've joined a women's exercise group, and one woman in the group has really helped me feel welcome. I have also established myself within the Walnut Creek Muslim community. One family in particular has taken me under their wing and has made the transition to living here much easier. I also have started decorating my home and creating a sacred space. After work, I love to come home to my place. I have never had my very own place before and I love it. I even set up a small, private prayer room. And each and every day, I count my blessings and what I am thankful for. Slowly, I am starting to learn how to stand on my own two feet in a completely different world.

I was expecting this Ramadan to be flawless; no ups and downs. I wanted to believe that I was so strong and courageous that this Ramadan would be perfect. The fact that it wasn't perfect is what I think made it perfect. For example, I moved at the beginning of Ramadan and wasn't able to fast while traveling and during the move. Second, I ended up getting a terrible cold and the body flu and couldn't fast for 3 or 4 days. I shut myself away and didn't join the community at the Masjid. I was lonely and crying a lot during Ramadan. But finally, things changed when I prayed more, focused on my blessings, and asked Allah for help. I met new people and established myself in multiple social circles. And Ramadan is coming to an end. Yet, I feel like I grew so much. It was perfect because it wasn't perfect. I have truly been blessed this Ramadan. I am so thankful that Allah called me to Islam.

Ramadan 2017: Days 1-3

Day 1

Two days ago was the first day of Ramadan; I fasted from dawn until dusk. For Muslims like myself, Ramadan is a time of spiritual enlightenment. It's about learning self-discipline and renewing our connection with our faith. It is also an extremely social occasion. Muslims are encouraged to mend broken ties, visit family and relatives, invite guests to share the iftar (meal in which we break our fast) experience.

I studied Islam for about 6 years before I became Muslim, so this is not my first Ramadan. In the past, I participated in parts of Ramadan, but never fully. This year, though, is my very first Ramadan as a Muslim. The fasting during the day wasn't the hard part; it was iftar that was really difficult for me. In fact, it was a very lonely experience.

My family isn't Muslim, so I feel like I can't really share Ramadan with them. What's worse is that I felt forgotten by other born-Muslims.

I went to a Masjid (mosque) here in Wisconsin that I've never attended before. Although I was a acquainted with some of the people there, I felt extremely left out. I would say hi to everyone and they would enthusiastically and warmly say hello back, but after that, everyone seemed to keep to their own cultural groups. I was left to sit at a table, eating alone for most of the evening.

In addition, it was chaotic and loud. I could understand what anyone was saying because there were so many people talking at once. Being deaf at a local gathering can be an isolating experience in itself. But it was also the first fast-breaking evening of Ramadan. I was in such emotional pain. I actually went and hid in my car in the parking lot. I sat there, alone in the dark, and I cried.

I cried especially because I would be moving to California soon. I fear that I will have a similar experience there, especially because I don't know the area. And I have connected with one of the Muslims sisters there online, but besides that, I will not know anyone. I cried that night because I have waited to long for this Ramadan, and it ended up being such an isolating experience.

I texted J, the Egyptian-American man in California that I am interested in. I wasn't sure if I felt 100% comfortable enough to cry on the phone and tell him what happened, but I did want to talk. I thought maybe he could make me feel better. Sadly, he didn't answer when I called.

I left the Masjid and went home before the midnight prayer and I saw a message in my Facebook inbox from the sister in California that I met online. Her name is Ameera. She asked me how the first day of Ramadan was and I literally began crying some more. But this time, I was crying from relief. Someone actually remembered me and asked me how I was doing!? I was in awe. I explained to her what happened and she was upset about my experience. She promised me that in California it would be different and that she would make sure of it.

I spent a full hour that night crying and praying; I made dua (supplication/personal prayer) so many times. I called out to Allah and asked him to remove the pain in my heart. I asked him not to be angry at the sisters who made me feel left out because I know that was not their intention. I asked Allah to bless all my sisters and brothers during Ramadan. I asked that Allah help me during this difficult time. I also asked Allah to help me draw closer to J and get to know him better. I asked Allah to help me seek out my other half and find true love. And then for the rest of my dua, I spent a half hour thanking Allah for His many blessings. There is so much that I ought to be grateful for.

Day 2

The next day, while fasting, Ameera messaged me and said that my story last night bothered her and she wanted to invite me to a sisters Facebook group. All Muslim women in the Bay Area of California, almost all of the women are from Egypt. She invited me to join. I wrote a post introducing myself. The response I got was so overwhelming. Everyone was welcoming me, saying I should come over and spend time with their family, they were inviting me to events, someone actually offered to pick me up from the airport when my flight came in, I had offers to show me around my new town. I was told that I was invited to all gatherings and all iftar meals.

And then on top of the comments in that closed Facebook group, at least 50 of the sisters from that group sent me a personal friend request and personalized messaged of welcome. They all can't wait for me to come to California. And many of them gave me their phone number and address. They told me to let them know if I need anything. The last thing they want me to feel is as if I am alone.

For those of you who don't know me very well, I cry about everything. I cry during solidarity moments in movies, I cry when I am happy, I cry when I am sad, and I sometimes laugh so hard that I start crying. So when all of these Egyptian sisters were welcoming me into their homes and into their hearts, I couldn't stop myself from crying tears of gratitude.

For iftar that night, I joined two of my best friends for iftar. One of the sisters recently was married. The other sister flew out for her wedding Friday and was headed back Monday (today). Nikki, Arooj, myself, and Nikki's new husband Zaland broke the fast together (iftar) with some middle Eastern food, dates, water, pizza, ice cream, and Chinese food.

After the iftar, I talked to J on the phone; I told him a little about what happened the night before at the Masjid, but I didn't tell him that I had cried. J told me not to worry. He said that he is sure that I will find my place in California even though he will be 6 hours away. I told him about the group of Egyptian sisters. I told him how excited I was to be learning more Egyptian Arabic, how to cook Egyptian food, and learn more about the Egyptian culture. He said that made his heart very happy. Talking to him just makes me really happy.

I went home the second night of Ramadan with a happy and grateful heart.

Day 3

Today was the most difficult day of fasting I have ever experienced and it was because I accidentally missed suhoor, which is the pre-dawn meal that we eat to help sustain ourselves throughout the day of fasting. I overslept and missed my meal, so I had to do without. In 5 days, I move to California, so I had to start packing. It was so difficult to pack and get everything ready; I was so tired and hungry. My head was throbbing and I had absolutely no energy or desire to physically move around. I was also really, really crabby about everything.

I broke the fast alone tonight with water, dates, almond milk, chili, sushi, and sorbet. Then, I watched some Netflix and did yoga and meditation.

Today was a challenging test, but I prevailed. Allah strengthens those who turn to him.

The rest of the evening, I think I am going to study the 99 names of Allah. I feel so happy and inspired.

I still can't believe that I move to California in 5 days!

The Nikah!

My best friend is getting married today. It reminds me of my own quest for true love. I am so glad that she has found a spouse. I cannot wait for them to be forever bonded. The Nikah ceremony is later this afternoon. And then Ramadan begins at sundown! And then in 8 days, I move to California!

Click here to read about Big Life Changes.

Click here to read about Ramadan.

Click here to read about how I became Muslim.

Read here about why I am relocating to California.

Hello, Friends!

I was reading this article (here) and it reminded me of my own path to Islam. You can read my story here.

With Ramadan 2017 right around the corner (tomorrow after sundown), my blog post today is going to be short. I'm also spending the day preparing for my best friend’s Nikah (wedding ceremony), which is tomorrow during the day (click here).

For right now, I just wanted to say that I am praying for all you Tumblr-folk. May Allah bless you and keep you, whether you are Muslim or otherwise. I love you all--no matter your identity or background. I pray that you are all happy and safe. If there is anything that is troubling you, please feel free to talk to me. If I can alleviate your burdens in any way, let me know.

Click here to read about what Ramadan is.

What the heck is Ramadan?

When I told my family that I was Muslim (click here), they weren't too thrilled (click here). My mother, especially, has been really concerned about my well-being. It was breaking my heart feeling like I was walking on a tightrope trying to please my family, yet also trying to live my life as a Muslim woman. I've been praying for my parents to become more supportive and understanding. And recently, my mother (with no sarcasm, condescension, or judgment in her voice) asked me what Ramadan was and why it was a big deal. The fact that my mother cared enough to ask me this really made me happy.

I explained that Ramadan is a very Holy Month for Muslims around the world. It's a month of intense prayer, self-reflection, spiritual goals, charity, and fasting. We refrain from eating and drinking from dawn to dusk for the entire month of Ramadan. Fasting is about purification, so it goes beyond just food and drink. The entire month is about exercising self-restraint. This means avoiding gossiping, backbiting, arguments, sexual intercourse, and impure thoughts during the daytime fast. Ramadan is about acknowledging the spiritual realm and acknowledging the subordination of the physical realm. It also teaches Muslims to stay away from worldly desires and to focus entirely on the Lord and thank Him for His blessings. It's a rejuvenation of the religion and it creates a stronger bond between the Muslim and the Lord.

Just before the fast begins, we have a pre-dawn meal of power foods to get us through the day, the suhoor. We break the fast like Prophet Muhammad did many years ago with a sip of water and some dates at sunset. That first sip of water is a spiritual experience! After sunset prayers, there is a large feast called iftar. It's usually shared with family and friends. It's a kind of social event. Every night during Ramadan, Masjids (mosques) and other organizations set up tents and tables for the public to have free iftar meals. Leftovers are often donated to homeless shelters and soup kitchens.

There are some people who are exempt from fasting: children, the elderly, people who are sick, pregnant, nursing, or menstruating women, people who are traveling, and professional athletes.

During Ramadan, phrases like Ramadan Kareem or Ramadan Mubarak (Blessed Ramadan) are said. Some people will say Kul 'am wa enta bi-khair (May every year find you in good health). And there are many lanterns that are lit called fanoos. They are centerpieces at iftar tables or hung in shops and from balconies. In Muslim-majority countries, wealthy families hold majlises, where they open their doors for people to pass by all hours of the night for food, tea, coffee, and conversation.

The end of Ramadan is really intense. There is even more intense worship done than is done the rest of the month. Laylat al-Qadr is the Night of Destiny, which falls during the last 10 nights of Ramadan. Muslims believe that this is the time that God sent the Angel Gabriel to the Prophet Muhammad and revealed the first verses of the Qur'an. On this night, angels descent to the Earth, sins are forgiven, supplications are accepted, and blessings and mercy of Allah shower upon Muslims all over the world. It's a special time. It is said that this time is better than 1,000 months of worship.

And the end of Ramadan, the end of fasting, is celebrated by a three-day holiday called Eid al-Fitr. This is when children get new clothes, gifts, and cash. There are many early morning Eid prayers the day after Ramadan. Families spend the day together eating and enjoying the sunshine. Common greetings are Eid Mubarak (Blessed Eid) or Eid Sa'id (Happy Eid). Muslims are encouraged during Ramadan and Eid to show much happiness, give as much charity as possible, pray Fajr in the local Masjid, go early for Eid salaat (prayer, read the Takbirat in an open field, and greet others warmly.

Ramadan is truly a big deal for Muslims and I can't wait for my first Ramadan as a revert Muslim.

Click here to read about my Big Life changes.

Click here to read about how I was called to Islam.

Click here to read about how I became Muslim.

Big Life Changes

My life has gone through a series of transformations in the past 6 months and the changes continue to unravel as Allah showers more and more blessings upon me and those I am closest to.

My best friend, a fellow revert (convert) is getting married in three days to a wonderful Muslim man. They are both young and I have witnessed every effort they have made to have a halal relationship that will lead to a halal marriage, InshaAllah. After all, in Islam, a marriage is a lifelong commitment that is made with the blessings of Allah. If anyone deserves a long and happy marriage together, it’s this couple. 

I am getting ready for Ramadan, which begins at sundown in 3 days, right after my best friend’s Nikah (wedding) ceremony. Though I have experienced numerous Ramadans as I was studying Islam for the past 6 years, this will be my first Ramadan as a Muslim revert. It’s going to be a very special Holy Month for me. I have purchased incense, lanterns, and I’m preparing physically, mentally, spiritually, and emotionally for Ramadan. I hope to please Allah. In fact, I feel that every day I get closer to Allah.

In addition, I will be leaving Wisconsin in 10 days. Soon, California will be my home and I will start a new job there. The Muslim man that I talked about in my previous posts lives in California. And InshaAllah, he and I will soon meet for the first time. I couldn’t be more excited. One day I hope to find true love. I can’t wait to see where the next month or two takes me. 

Click here to read the story of how I became Muslim.

Click here to learn about why I am leaving Wisconsin relocating to California.

Click here to see a picture of me.

Click here to read my thoughts about dating.

Click here to read about the guy I am interested in.

Do you like tea? Click here!

Wanna follow me on Instagram? ashley.aftermyshahada

As I was lying in bed late last night, I began thinking about Mother's Day, which consequently led me to thoughts about teenage acne, which ended up leaving me with feelings of love and gratitude for my mama. Yes, that sounds strange, doesn't it? Allow me to better explain what I mean... So, as I was lying in bed, staring up at the glow-in-the-dark stars on my ceiling, I thought about the many tumultuous years and the rocky relationship that my mother and I have had while I was growing up, before I became Muslim. Even today, my mother and I don't quite see eye to eye on things. I often feel like she is judgmental, pushy, closed-minded, and controlling. I started to think about the ways in which I have come to love her and appreciate her since I became Muslim. Allah commands us to love, respect, and obey our parents. Especially our mother. Mothers and women in general are given such high respect in Muslim society. I began seeing many of my mother's good qualities since becoming Muslim. She is patient and selfless; she is resourceful and organized. And she loves me. Though we argue about various things sometimes, and though she has not fully accepted the fact that I am Muslim, my mama has been a huge support lately. In less than 20 days, I move to California to start a new life with a new job. I would not be able to relocate to Walnut Creek, California without all the help that my parents have been providing these past few months. Then, I began thinking about the ways that perhaps my mother has been supportive throughout my childhood, ways that I did not fully appreciate at the time, but could perhaps appreciate more now. I know she has always loved me and wanted the best for me while growing up, even though we butted heads often and even though I didn't always agree with her method of going about it. The funniest thought that came to my mind last night had to do with teenage acne. I remember when I first started puberty, I had acne. It wasn't like my face was polka-dotted from the acne. But I did have some acne and I was very self-conscious about it. My mother took me to dermatologists, got me special prescriptions for acne cream, acne medication in pill-form, as well as very special, expensive (yet, effective) face wash and facial soap. The reason this thought made me smile was that my acne wasn't severe enough to warrant concern. Sometimes teenage acne can cause scarring on the face if it is bad enough, but my acne wasn't like that. My mama just want to make sure that I felt good about myself. She didn't want me to be self-conscious. I appreciated her efforts, of course. But at the same time, I don't think I fully understood her kindness at the time. Often, while growing up, I did not appreciate the many of the privileges that I had. I thought I did, at the time. But looking back as an adult, as an ever-changed Muslim woman, I realize that I took so many things for granted. I took my parents for granted. And for that, I am deeply ashamed of myself. Because it went further than just assisting with my teenage acne. My parents worked very hard to offer me every possible opportunity. They always did was they believed to be right. They always tried to do whatever was best for me. And while growing up, I did not always see it that way. I know that my parents have forgiven me and I know that Allah has forgiven me. I know that my slate was wiped clean as soon as I became Muslim. But still, sometimes it is hard for me to forgive myself for the way I treated my parents while growing up. Looking back, I feel deep, deep shame and regret. However, I am always grateful for my change in disposition, my change in perspective, and my change of heart. It has brought me closer to both my parents, especially my mom. And she and I have a lot of catching up to do before I move to California. Happy Mother's Day 2017

My Dream Home

I’ve been thinking a lot about what I want my future home to be like. I am a simple, yet classy woman. I like modern designs with a little flair. I don’t need anything particularly fancy or expensive. And I don’t need my home to be huge. When I get married, I plan to have 2 children. And I most definitely will have a dog. 

I put together some pictures of general designs that I find appealing in some way or another.

KITCHEN/DINING

LIVING AREA

BATHROOM

KIDS

PRAYER ROOM

ADULT BEDROOM

EXERCISE ROOM

OUTDOORS

OFFICE/LIBRARY

LAUNDRY ROOM

The Jitters

A few days ago, I wrote a post explaining why I think dating is halal for Muslims (click here). Yesterday, I talked about my own experience, particularly with online dating recently (click here). And although in my second article I talked about everything that is going well, this post today is going to talk about my concerns with my current situation's potential. 

Maybe you guys have some thoughts, advice, or words of support.

A FEW CONCERNS

My first concern is regarding the distance between J and I, which was partially addressed In the article I wrote yesterday (click here). I will be moving to California in about 22 days, but once I do, J and I will be located 400 miles away from each other (6-7 hours).

We have plan for our first date and he does not appear to be too concerned about the distance, but it doesn't thrill me that this is going to be a long-distance thing right off the bat, especially because I will rely on public transportation, whereas he will have his own vehicle.

It's not that I am not willing to try this and it's not that I couldn't handle the distance. But it does present some challenges. It's important for relationships to have balance. And even though he has no problem coming to see me, I know that he can't always be the one to commute. We aren't even dating yet and I know that it would be unfair for me to expect him to do all the work. How would I go see him? I'm not sure. It's going to take a bit for me to get on my feet and I'm afraid it might end up being super expensive for me to travel to see him often.

And then I began thinking: what if things do work out? What if things get serious? Then what? The future is what concerns me. If I fall in love with this guy and we are talking about major long-term commitment, then what? One or both of us is gonna have to compromise if we want to be closer to one another. Would I have to move? Give up my job? Would he? The last thing I want is to fall in love and then not have it work out because of this situation.

Another concern I have is balancing the rest of my life. When I relocate to California, I am going to be in a new place, on my own, being independent, and working hard to succeed at my job. I also want to foster a happy environment for self-growth. And Ramadan is fast-approaching and it will be the holy month of Ramadan when I move to California at the beginning of June. On top of all that, I have J: an amazing guy that I like. I am worried that I won't be able to balance all aspects of my life with everything on my plate.

My last concern is that everything has been going well between J and I, and I am a very truthful/straightforward person...but I accidentally told a lie a few weeks ago without meaning to.

J is Egyptian-American and we often bond over my knowledge and experience of his home country, culture, food, and other middle eastern traditions and aspect of daily living. Part of this is because I have many Middle Eastern friends, especially friends from Egypt and have had much contact and experience with the culture over the past 6 or 7 years.

However...he became excited and surprised when I could name Egyptian pop artists like Amr Diab, among many other things. He jokingly asked, "Are you sure that you never had an Arab boyfriend before?" This is where I lied.

I didn't mean to lie, though. It just popped out.

And I hate myself for it.

About 4-5 years ago, I did date an Atheist Saudi man for almost a year; he was an exchange student a few years older than myself. I left as soon as I realized that he was verbally, emotionally, physically, and sexually abusive and manipulative. (And yes, I know the stereotypes that exist about Middle Eastern men, but I know that there are far more non-abusive men than abusive ones.)

I don't like to think about that part of my life and I rarely talk about it. So when J jokingly asked if I had ever had an Arab boyfriend (due to me being to knowledgeable about things), I accidentally messaged him back and said no. I told him that I have learn many things over the years from my Muslim and Middle Eastern friends. And that part is very true. But the other part is a lie.

I am so angry with myself.

I wonder if J will be upset later if he finds out that I told a little lie. I think he will be understanding. But at the same time, lies don't help build a foundation of trust. And the guilt of my tiny lie has been eating away at me.

Those cover basically all my concerns. Many of you read my articles and probably think that I am so confident. I am confident in many ways, yes. But I also have insecurities. And regarding this new dating stuff with J, my insecurities cause me much anxiety.

FEELINGS OF INSECURITY

For example, J is not aware that I am Deaf. And this is a big part of my identity. In previous articles, I have talked about and explained my deafness; it is not something that I am ashamed about. Click here, here, here, and here to read related articles.

Deafness and hearing loss has a lot of stigma and there are many assumptions and misconceptions floating around about the Deaf community. Many times, I might avoid telling someone I am Deaf until I have time and an opportunity to properly explain my situation. I speak clearly, I don't have a deaf accent, I can lipread, and I use hearing aids, as well as sign language. But, there is so much that people must understand about my world. It is much easier to explain things in person and while interacting with them, rather than discussing it through text messages and allowing their mind to jump to wild conclusions.

I hope that J won't be turned off by my deafness; I hope that he will accept me for who I am and not be upset that I kept such a crucial piece of information about myself from him. I hope that he will understand why I want to explain in person when we finally meet. I hope that he does not see me as disabled. I hope that he does not pity me.

The second thing that I am very insecure about is my weight. In this article (here) I talk about the issues I have with my weight. I gained a lot of weight over the past 2 years and I am working to fix that. The weight I am at now is the heaviest I have ever been and I am self-conscious about the way I look.

My worst fear is that first impression when he sees me. When we finally meet in person, I wonder what he will think. He knows I value health and fitness. He knows that I am in the process of losing weight. But he doesn't know what I look like right now. I don't want him to find me unattractive because I am a little pudgy right now.

On top of my main concerns and my insecurities, I also have been thinking a lot about my flaws.

I AM NOT PERFECT: I HAVE FLAWS

First of all, I have a history of being impulsive. As I explained in this article here, I am a true romantic at heart. Actions speak louder than words and I love romantic gestures, no matter how small. But I also love words and expressions of love. I like being texted "Good morning, Modhesha". I love cute emoji smooches. Thoughtful things like this just make me swoon. Simple things like this make me so happy.

I have always fallen in love fast and without measuring risks. I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching their highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a person, rather than with the person themselves, and I have hung on to relationships for a long time (sometimes for too long) waiting for the person to ascend to their own greatness. Many times in romance, I have been a victim of my own optimism. And this time, I am trying to go slow and attempt to shield myself from having my heart broken, yet again.

Another one of my flaws, especially at the beginning of relationships, is that I overthink everything. The uncertainty of everything is exciting, but also anxiety-inducing. Am I texting too much? Did I sound dumb when I said that? Why hasn't he texted back? Should I wait for him to contact me instead? The new-ness of it all is exhilarating, but I want it to go well, so I start to second guess myself and overthink things.

My third major flaw is that I am needy and crave attention! I don't mean this in a revolting, psychotic way. I am just someone who loves to be texted at least once a day. I love sweet forehead kisses and I love hugs and cuddles. I need validation. Sometimes I don't want to be alone. I need attention and I want to feel special.

In the past, I usually have to make all the effort. I am a thoughtful person by nature; I like making surprise breakfasts, making art projects for my significant other, writing cute cards or sweet notes and leaving them to be found in the bathroom or kitchen. I try to do little things every day to show my love and appreciation. And I guess all I want in return is the other person to make that same effort. Is that too much to ask? I'm not sure.

So, basically, I am afraid that my neediness will scare J or end up pushing him away. It doesn't take much to make me happy, but I like to talk every day and I want to feel needed, appreciated, I want my jokes to be laughed at, and I want to be wanted.

I have concerns, insecurities, flaws, and now I want to talk about my fears.

MY FEARS

My first fear has to do with my parents. They are protective and already worried about the fact that I am moving from Wisconsin to California. And they are not very supportive about me having reverted (converted) to Islam. So, I can't imagine if they knew I signed up for an online Muslim dating website and I like someone I met online. They would lose their minds if they knew I had plans to meet him in person in June. And if things get serious, I think they will be upset that I found someone to date, especially if that person is Muslim. I imagine they would tell me that they are helping me to get on my feet and make a life for myself, not chase after boys.

I love my parents and I know they want they best for me. I wouldn't be where I am today without their love and guidance. However, they can be a bit closed-minded and overly controlling. I don't want a potentially good thing with J to be spoiled, so I have decided not to tell my parents about J until I know whether this thing is serious or not.  

REJECTION

I think there is an overarching theme here. Can you see what it is?

With what I said about my concerns, my insecurities, my flaws, and everything else, I am starting to think that maybe my #1 biggest fear is the fear of rejection.

I want to be accepted and appreciated. The prospect of being cut off, demeaned, or isolated makes me anxious. I sometimes fear that I am unloveable or I worry that I will never find true love. I have been in a few relationships were my needs were not met or where I wasn't valued. I have dated people who did not love me for me. That is why stuff like this is hard for me. All I want is to find The One. And I have had many failed attempts.

If I open my heart to someone who ends up rejecting me, I know that it doesn't have to be the end of the world. I know that it is ok to feel sorrow, loss, fear, loneliness, anger, or whatever other feelings that come up during the grieving process. And I am working on believing that whatever experiences that arise as a result of connecting with people, I can initiate, deepen, and enjoy relationships in a more relaxed and fulfilling way.

I think that if I can become less afraid of what I am experiencing inside, and less afraid of myself, I can become less intimidated and more empowered to love and be loved.

ALL IN ALL

I know this post seems really negative, but there are many wonderful things about this situation between me and J. I talked about a lot of the positives here, in this article. But, well, I am a hopeless romantic and I tend to feel deeply and love fearlessly and I want so strongly for this to work. I know that I can come across as a bit neurotic sometimes.

That's ok. It's one of my more endearing qualities, right? Haha

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

Any thoughts? Questions? Advice? Suggestions?

(If you haven’t read this article here and this article here, then please do so before responding with advice. I want you to have all the information before making suggestions. Thank you so much! I love you all!)

My Online Dating Experience

Ah! This is the much anticipated post about my experience dating online as a Muslim woman! This is the post that everyone has been waiting for since I mentioned it yesterday (click here-please read yesterday’s post first!), so here I go. Am I having success? Or has it been an awful, overwhelming experience? Well, keep reading to find out!

BACKGROUND

I was born and raised in Wisconsin (USA) and I will be 27 in a few months (August 2017). On June 3, 2017 I will be moving to California (USA) because I accepted a teaching position at a private school that will begin June 12th. In less than 25 days, I will be embarking on an exciting, new adventure. The only think that is currently missing from my life is love and romance.

I'm an energetic, spunky, fearless, educated Muslim, which sometimes is a surprise to people because I am also I'm a romantic at heart. I'm an idealist and a strong believer in the power of love and I hope and pray one day that I will find true love and a life-long companion. I love the idea of love and I enjoy every novel ever written by Nicholas Sparks. The whole idea of loving and being loved by someone is intoxicating! The concept of soul mates is beautiful: two people who are fated to be together and will always find a way to one another no matter what the circumstances are. I radiate positive energy and I love cheesy holidays like Valentine's Day. No matter how many bad experiences I have had and no matter how many times my heart has been broken, I desperately believe that love exists and I will find it one day.

Yes, I have a lot on my plate right now: completely relocating to a different state, establishing my life in a new place, starting a new job, and on top of all that, Ramadan is fast-approaching (my first Ramadan as an actual Muslim). With that being said, I still want to find true love, which is why I signed up for online dating. With everything that I have on my plate currently, I figured that I am not likely to meet someone or fall in love any time soon, so I might as well just dip my toes in the water and use online dating as something to pass the time with the hopes of meeting someone eventually.

DATING IS HALAL

Many Muslims tell me that dating is forbidden in Islam, which irritates me. I am a firm believer than dating can be halal (click here to read why I think Muslims should date.) Many Muslims also tell me that Allah guides us and only He will reveal a match to us when we are ready. That statement also irritates me. Yes, I agree that Allah has a plan for our lives, but I also believe that we must also play a very pro-active role in our own lives in order to achieve our goals, dreams, and desires. Online dating is my way of being pro-active even though I have a lot of new changes and responsibilities on my plate right now. I have very high expectations and standards. I have had enough relationships and interactions with people to realize that I don't want to settle for anything mediocre. Like I said previously: I am a romantic at heart and I want to find true love and a life-long companion.

WHAT I AM LOOKING FOR

I admire integrity, honesty, and respect. I believe that trust is the foundation of any good relationship. I like people who are intelligent, sincere, and genuine. I need someone who is responsible and reliable while also being fun, exciting, and adventurous. I want to be with someone that I can make memories with. I value hard work, passion, and determination. I am warm, affectionate, understanding, and thoughtful, and I want to be with someone who is the same way. I want a partner who can make me smile and laugh. I want someone who will see me as an equal; I need someone I can build a life with. I am a modern, progressive/liberal Muslim and I need a partner who shares my values.

Is there anyone in this universe that might possibly match that description? Would there be someone out there as modern, progressive, and liberal as myself? When I signed up for Muslima.com, I was doubtful.

ONLINE DATING IS LIKE BUYING A NEW CAR

Online dating is definitely interesting. It's a little bit like shopping for a car. You have an idea of the basic make and model that you desire. And you probably have a list of specifications and options that you would like to have, but you also understand that finding the perfect car for you will be a challenge. So, you are going into the process with the idea that you will probably have to settle on the best car that you can get. You accept this reality and you begin your search. You look at a million pictures, read lots of details, make comparison, and hopefully you will find something that sparks your interest.

Online dating is trying to find a partner after sifting through a sea of selfies and self-advertisements before landing on one that you think might satisfy you most. You "favorite" each other in the same way that you add items to your Amazon Wish List of Pin recipes you want to try later, then you schedule an in-person interview during which you'll have all manners of “nonversation” while in your head furiously trying to calculate whether or not this person should advance to the second round.

The process of online dating I described sounds like the opposite of romantic, doesn't it?

OVERWHELMING

Within minutes of posting my profile, I had over 300 messages from men interested in chatting with me and getting to know me; I wondered how many of them actually read my profile instead of just looking at my picture and deciding I was attractive. I eliminated all messages from men not living in the United States. This left me with about 100 messages. I sifted through those messages and narrowed them down to people living in California, the state in which I would be moving to in less than a month. This left me with about 30 messages. I narrowed it down further to men that lived within a 50-100 mile radius of Walnut Creek, the town I am moving to. This left me with about 15 messages. I read through the profiles and deleted almost all the messages except 5.

After one or two messages exchanges between me and these five individuals, I was shocked. I was asked how wide my hips were, if I had any disabilities, if I would be willing to meet their family soon, and I nearly unplugged my computer. These men clearly did not share my interests or values. And they clearly did not view the concept of dating in the same way that I did. I deleted all those messages, but a few hours later, my message box was flooded with about 800 more messages. It was overwhelming.

MATCH MADE IN HEAVEN?

But there was one profile that caught my eye: an attractive, Egyptian-American, laid-back, well-educated, liberal Muslim man only a few years older than me. For sake of anonymity, I will call him J. So, J messaged me asking to get to know me more. When he asked for my phone number, I froze. Danger alarms rang in my head. But then, he clarified and said that texting would be easier than emailing messages back and forth on Muslima.com. I agreed with him, so we began communicating via WhatsApp.

THE BASICS

Almost immediately on WhatsApp, we got the big things out of the way: we established that we both love dogs, which is important to me. And then more seriously, we established that we are both looking for friendship and dating with the potential opportunity for a relationship, and maybe, just maybe, marriage in the future. J very clearly stated that he isn’t interested in rushing into things. This comforted me.

We talked about what we were looking for and what is important to us. He said he is looking for a kind, smart, funny, simple, family-oriented girl who would will become his best friend. He wants someone who is romantic, educated, and ambitious. He said that he needs a woman who is enlightened and open-minded; someone who is religiously disciplined but also progressive/liberal. J needs a Muslim woman who carries herself equally between the Islamic world and the American/Western world.

That describes me almost perfectly. With much excitement, we continued getting to know each other.

We messaged back and forth about our daily lives, careers, and education. And we discussed family, politics, and our childhoods. We discussed hobbies and life goals. We also talked about our views regarding children, careers, sex, and marriage. Almost immediately, I was able to decide that I was interested in getting to know him and talking further. I saw him and I as being very compatible; he felt the same way.

However...

MY BIGGEST CONCERN

From the very beginning, before we even started talking via WhatsApp, I saw that his profile said he lived in California, but not in the same city that I would be living in. That didn't really bother me and I didn't feel like that was a concern. Later, after talking more and feeling a connection with the interest of pursuing one another, I started thinking logically about how big the state of California actually was. This prompted me to look up what the actual distance between us would be: 403.5 miles.

Immediately, my heart sank.

I haven't even moved to California yet and there is about 2,000 miles of distance (a 31-hour drive) between us. And when I finally do move in less than a month, there will still be about 400 miles between us?

How is this even going to work?!

THE END OF THINGS?

I messaged J and I brought up my concerns about him potentially living 403.5 miles from Walnut Creek, which is (according to Google Maps) about 6 or 7 hours away driving, 10 hours away via Transit, or a 1.5-hour flight. 

To be honest, if I were on another dating site, and I was living in Manitowoc, Wisconsin, and someone from Indianapolis, Indiana sent me a message about wanting to get to know me, I would probably check out their location, see that they live about 6 hours away, and delete their message because I don't see potential in building something with someone who lives that far away. 6 hours is quite the distance. 

This is why I am concerned about J living so far away, especially because when I first move to California, I am not going to have my own vehicle at least for the first 5 months, perhaps longer. My condo is within walking distance of where I will work, and I plan to bike or take public transportation everywhere.

I was sure that this might be the end of things.

I was surprised when he wasn't concerned at all. He told me that the distance was still 100% driveable and regardless whether we spent time in my city or his city, it would be memorable and we would probably have many really amazing weekends. 

His response pleased me greatly, but hasn't eliminated that concern from my mind completely.

MOVING FORWARD: Me and J

So, after about a week spent messaging on WhatsApp, I decided decided that it was safe to give him my cellphone number and add him on Facebook. 

I also checked the Muslima.com website. After not checking it for a week, I had over 1,500 messages from various men. None of them were as appealing as J. Staring at all those messages was also extremely overwhelming, so I decided to officially delete my profile on Muslima.com.

Don't freak out, let me explain.

I'm not rushing into things and I didn't delete my dating profile because I am 100% convinced that I have found my soulmate. I only deleted it because J is the only person I am interested in right now and beyond that, the website wasn't meeting my expectations. So, now I can just focus on myself, relocating to California in 24 days, beginning a new job in less than 35 days, and I can focus on getting to know J more.

WHERE WE ARE AT NOW

It's crazy to think that he and I began talking almost a month ago and things seem to be going extremely well. I think that the distance between us (me being in Wisconsin at the moment and him being in California) is helping to create a solid foundation on which to possibly build a friendship or potential dating relationship. We text back and forth just about every day and we talk on the phone about once a week now. I am hoping to Skype with him at least once before we meet in person, but if that doesn't happen I suppose I won't be too devastated. We are planning to meet in person a week or so after I move to California and I can't wait!

INCREDIBLE GUY

J is incredibly intelligent, responsible, patient, understanding, and handsome. He's truthful and straight-forward with me and I'm attracted to his love for adventure. I like that he is open-minded. I am also attracted to the classy simplicity of who he is and his lifestyle. He works hard, but he also plays hard and is interested in bettering himself. He has wonderful goals and dreams for the future and he is very affectionate. He is always making me laugh and the sweet texts he sends to me make me to smile.

It seems that he is just as enthralled with me as I am with him, which is a good thing.

Because I am such a romantic at heart, I desperately want things to be as amazing in-person as they are right now through texts, emails, and talking on the phone. He seems like an amazing guy. 

However, I can't help but worry.

UP NEXT: MY FEARS & INSECURITIES

Be on the look out for my next post tomorrow or later this week, which will talk more about my dating/love life concerns, my worries, my insecurities, and my fears. I will also talk about my flaws and some of the little things that might make me appear to be just a tad bit neurotic! Haha

LINKS TO SOME OF MY OTHER ARTICLES

Curious about what I look like? Click here. 

Interested in the story of how I became Muslim? Read about it here. 

If you want to learn more about my views on Islamic dating, click here.

I am a scientist and a Muslim. How is that possible? Click here and find out! 

I don't wear hijab every day, click here to read about my preference. 

Click here to read about me relocating to California. And click here to donate to my GoFundMe to help me with the costs of relocating for my job. 

Read about my struggles with weightloss here. 

What was my family's reaction when I told them I converted to Islam? Find out here. 

Click here to read a funny story about how I injured myself while praying. 

Click here to read about how much I love my doggy. 

Click here to read my thoughts on Liberal Islam. 

Want to understand what Sharia Law REALLY is? Here is the article I wrote. 

Click here to read about my struggles with learning Arabic. 

I think women should pray while on their period. Click here to read why. 

My thoughts about science and religion can be found here. My ex-boyfriend and I used to argue about this topic a lot. 

Click here to read my first article about the Muslim Ban and click here to read my second article about the Muslim Ban. 

Click here for a list and links to the first 50 articles that I wrote on Tumblr. 

Wanna know my views about LGBTQIA+ people? Click here. 

Dating is Halal

When Muslims tell me that dating is not allowed on the premise that dating inevitably leads to pre-marital sex, I always roll my eyes. That is a ridiculous argument that is not grounded in sound logic whatsoever. To me, dating means getting to know one another. Many Muslims argue that "dating" is an intimate relationship that involves touching and kissing, which ultimately leads to pre-marital sex, but I disagree completely. It doesn't have to be that way. The people in the dating relationship are the ones who define what "dating" means to them.

The choice of a marriage partner is one of the most important decisions some people make in their lives. I agree that it should be taken seriously. But ruling out dating altogether out of fear that it will lead to sex does not give the two people much credibility. It makes it sound like everyone is sex-crazed and can't control themselves. And that just isn't the case.

Dating is a discovery period; it is a time where you can get to know one another. If you would like family involved, then by all means, get them involved. I think that getting the opinions and advice of close, trustworth Muslims about the person you're dating is a good idea. Even non-Muslims seek the advice and guidance of their friends and family sometimes.

I would like more Muslims to realize that we don't all date for the same reasons. Some people are looking for a relationship, some people date just for fun, some people date because they want sex, and some people date because they are serious about finding a compatible partner. I want to find someone who completes me and that is why I believe that dating is halal.

Dating is a discovery period. It is a fact finding phase where when you get involved with someone, you go in with a reasonable level of trust and then use your discoveries like an internal system of checks and balances. You must talk about boundaries, values, and awareness.

I do not believe that you can make the decision to marry someone until you have gone beyond the point of seeing past attraction, appearance, chemistry, and common interests; it is all about shared values. And you can only find out if you have shared values and a foundation of care, trust, and respect that can lead to a loving marriage if you take the time to get to know the person for who they are through dating.

I don't think that the biggest mistake people make is having sex while dating. I think that the biggest mistake people make is assuming that because they find someone attractive, feel a chemistry with them, and share some common interests, that it is a great match and will make a wonderful marriage. Blind assumptions like this are the worst mistake people can make because when you use attractiveness, interests, and chemistry to make a decision about marriage, it will never work. The most important thing to consider here is shared values.

I have dated a few people over the years and my most recent relationship ended due to dissimilar values, wants, and needs. Darrick did not want children and did not want to ever get married. I wanted the opposite: I wanted someone to propose to me and ask me to stand by them for the rest of their lives. I want to be a mama someday. Besides that, he was content with going to work, coming home, watching TV, playing video games, and then going to bed. The exciting dating relationship we once had was over and I felt abandoned and alone even though we lived together. Darrick never cleaned and he hated my family. Then, I converted to Islam and he disliked that because he was an Agnostic-Atheist. He made fun of me for being religious. All in all, there were many reasons our relationship didn't pan out. I jumped in head first and moved in with him after dating for only 3 months. I am moving on, wiser and stronger than ever before. But this doesn’t mean that I regret dating Darrick. I feel sad that he didn’t treat me well, but dating him and living together actually helped me learn about my own values and goals. That’s why I don’t regret anything. I don’t regret my relationship with him because it ended up being a huge turning point for me in terms of self-growth, self-love, and self-awareness.

I learned the hard way that if you don't take the steps in dating and don't take the time to lay the foundations, then you will end up in a terrible relationship or marriage that probably won't work out in the long run. Dating is something that takes time. I encourage all Muslims to get to know someone, but don't be quick to give them everything: whether it be sex, trust, or commitment. Don't jump in head first. There is no rush: it is a process that takes time.

This is why I believe in dating. I know that some Muslims disagree with my viewpoint, and that is ok. "Dating" means different things to different people. With that people said, be on the lookout for my next article, which will talk about my recent experience on the Muslim dating site Muslima.com.

Click here to read about how I became Muslim.

Click here to learn about the REAL Sharia Law.

Click here to read why women should pray while on their periods.

Click here to learn about a religion-disagreement my ex-boyfriend and I had.

Click here to read about the importance of supporting Muslims with mental illness.

Click here for the list and links to the first 50 posts I wrote on Tumblr.

My views about LGBTQIA+ issues are here.

Please pray for Syria. Click here. 

A picture of me can be found here, in case anyone is wondering what I look like!

I am Muslim, but I am also a scientist! Click here to learn why.

I have a lot of respect for you. You're blog is amazing and I'm so happy you're promoting Islam in such a way. Jazakallah.

Shukran, my friend! I am glad that you like my blog! Your kind words mean so much!

Motherhood

I was watching Sense8 on Netflix. Lito went home to his mama in Mexico after the tabloids outed him as gay. He apologized to her about the ordeal and she said, "You have nothing to apologize for. Come here, my baby penguin." And then they embraced. She accepted him.

When I have children someday, I plan to call them my baby penguins. I don't care if they come out as LGBT or if my children denounce Islam. I don't care if they mess up in school or if they are movie stars.

One day, I will have children. And I will teach them to live with their eyes wide open, to love freely, and I will do whatever it takes to help them make their dreams come true.

One day, I will be a mama penguin. And my baby penguins will be loved with all my heart.

Faith and Science

People see me as an energetic, passionate, free spirit. They also know that I believe very strongly in science. This confuses some people because I am Muslim. “How can you be an academic? How can you be a scientist?” These are questions they always ask me.

The thing is, my love for science doesn’t preclude my faith. For me, science is another language we use to talk about the same miracles that faith talks about.

There are some people who argue that the language of faith doesn’t make sense. Only science makes sense. When they tell me this, I can only smile.

Science makes sense? Ha! You actually think that quantum physics makes sense?! Like a particle that can be here and not here? Or do these people mean sense like gravity? A force that no one knows why exists?! 

Neither science, nor faith, has all the answers we may seek. But together, they have the potential to offer fulfillment, at least they do for me. It is alright if people prefer science and don’t have faith. But I just happen to be a free-spirited, academic woman who is both a scientist and Muslim.

For many people, science and religion seems to be like the opposite of one another. Some people say that science puts rationality above anything else and holds the assumption that things can only be proven through facts and empirical studies.

And some people might say that faith holds its own truth and assumptions, that sometimes might not be rational or can be proven with empirical evidence, but for its followers, faith is just as real as science because they choose to believe it.

But I see things differently. I don’t see it as one or the other. What if both sides are equally true in the way they see the world? Just with totally different point of views?

For example, people use language to communicate with one another, and in a sense people use religion to communicate with one another within the same religious community and with their god or gods. And just like language, people learn it out of necessity or because of their own interests. What bothers me is when people force others to learn languages that they might not feel the use of, or have no interest in. No one should be forced into anything. We are all beings who are free in this world.

Moreover, each language has its own rules and logic which you can’t simply label right or wrong. Mandarin grammar can’t be used to understand Punjabi, just like the rules and syntaxes of other languages can’t be applied to languages other than its own, especially the ones with totally unrelated roots. In this sense, each language operates within its own logic and uses its own vocabulary, grammar, and syntax to communicate. There’s no right or wrong language.

Either way, I feel that learning different languages is always useful, both the language of science and the language of faith. And personally, if I could, I would try to learn and be fluent in as many languages as possible just to deepen my knowledge of the world around me. Learning about and experiencing the world is a beautiful phenomenon and there is no right or wrong way to do it. We must do it with respect, courtesy, and an open mind.

People are born with their mother tongue, but it doesn’t mean that it limits them from learning other languages and one day being able to speak as fluent as those who were born with it. It also doesn’t mean that if they encounter someone who speaks a different language than them, they must hate one another. All it means is that your mother tongue is the basis where you learn other languages and just impossible to forget. Either your mother tongue is science, faith, or, like for me…it is both.

For me, science and faith make sense. Especially in the 21st century. I am a free spirit, modern Muslim revert who love science. And I disagree with those who say that you can’t love science if you are religious or spiritual. Science and faith have both taught me so much. Science is still lacking in its answer to find the meaning of life, and at least my faith helps provide that answer. And what is life but a quest to find the meaning of our existence?

Click here to learn about how I became Muslim.

Click here to read a previous post that I wrote about science and religion.

May 1, 2017