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samwisethewitch · 1 year

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Aromatherapy for Processing Trauma

Aromatherapy uses scent, usually in the form of essential oils, for physical and emotional well-being. Our sense of smell is very closely connected to memory, and certain smells can have an effect on our emotions and mood.

Essential Oil Safety and Ethics

Because this is the Internet and because certain multi-level marketing corporations have intentionally spread misinformation about essential oil safety, let's talk about a couple of things real quick.

You should never, ever eat or drink essential oils. These are very concentrated extracts of the active compounds from plants, and just like you would never sit down and eat 200 pounds of lavender, you shouldn't eat lavender oil. Ingesting essential oils can have very serious side effects, up to and including organ failure and death. Just don't.

If you want to work with a liquid plant extract that you can take internally, I recommend trying a tincture or a tea.

Use caution when applying essential oils topically. Again, essential oils are very concentrated, so they can cause skin reactions even if you are not normally allergic to the plant they come from. Always do a patch test to check for an allergic reaction before applying an essential oil to your skin or putting it in a bath. Some, like cinnamon oil, should never be used topically.

Always dilute your oils. Whenever you put essential oils on your skin, mix them with a carrier oil (like olive oil or coconut oil). Typically for adults you want to only use two drops of essential oil for every teaspoon of carrier oil, but you might use a stronger or weaker concentration depending on your body and your needs. If you're adding essential oils to your bath, make sure you mix them into a bath salt (either Epsom salt or plain table salt) before adding them to the water.

When you diffuse essential oils, make sure you don't use too much. For a typical aromatherapy diffuser, you really only need 1-5 drops of oil.

Be careful using essential oils around children and pets. Contrary to what some MLMs say, essential oils may not be safe for your baby or your dog. If you have kids, make sure your oils are stored out of their reach. Don't diffuse essential oils around babies under 6 months old, and don't apply oils to the skin on children under 3 years old. If you use essential oils on your older child's skin, they should be TWICE as diluted as for an adult (so you would use HALF as much essential oil for the same amount of carrier oil). If you diffuse oils around your kids, don't run the diffuser for more than 60 minutes. Follow other essential oil safety rules.

If you have a pet in the house, only diffuse essential oils in open, well-ventilated rooms, never let the diffuser run for more than 60 minutes, and make sure your pet is able to leave the room if they want to. Never apply essential oils to a pet's skin. Research your oils to make sure they aren't toxic to your pets.

Moving from safety concerns to ethics concerns, don't use essential oils in public spaces. Many people don't tolerate these scents well because of health conditions, allergies, or chemical sensitivities. For this reason, you should only practice aromatherapy in your own private space.

Try to be an eco-conscious consumer. It takes a whole lot of plant material to make essential oils -- one pound of lavender oil requires 250 pounds of lavender buds! That's a lot of natural resources. Even "wildcrafted" or "wild harvested" products may still be contributing to overharvesting. Try to limit your environmental impact by using oils sparingly, avoiding oils made from endangered plants, buying from companies that use sustainable harvesting practices, and reusing or recycling the bottles.

Making Aromatherapy Trauma-Sensitive

Because scent is so strongly connected to memory, scents that remind us of a traumatic event can trigger anxiety or panic, or even make us physically ill. Before using aromatherapy, think carefully about the scents you feel drawn to and whether they may be triggering for you.

For example, if your abuser wore a floral perfume with rose and geranium notes, the scents of rose and geranium might activate your fight or flight response, even though those are usually considered calming scents. If your abuser wore a cologne or deodorant with a lot of woodsy notes, you might want to avoid woodsy essential oils like cedarwood.

If at any point you start to feel triggered or activated when using aromatherapy, stop using that scent until you can speak to a therapist or counselor about your experience.

Helpful Essential Oils for Trauma Survivors

Note: Much of the information in this section comes from Elizabeth Guthrie's book, The Trauma-Informed Herbalist.

Lavender (Lavandula angustifolia): The ultimate relaxing scent. Guthrie says that lavender "allows a person to completely relax. It is a wonderful tonic for a person who has been overthinking situations." Lavender is really helpful for anxiety and paranoia, especially if your anxiety takes the form of doom spiraling or thinking about worst case-scenarios.

Cedarwood (Cedrus virginiana): An excellent grounding scent. Guthrie says that cedarwood "is loved for its ability to help people reconnect to themselves." Be aware that Atlas Cedarwood (Cedrus atlantica) is endangered due to overharvesting -- try to use more sustainable varieties.

Rosemary (Rosmarinus officinalis): Great for mental clarity. Rosemary strengthens memory, and it can be useful for people who struggle with short-term memory or who are dealing with brain fog or gaps in memory as a product of trauma. Rosemary promotes alertness.

Clary Sage (Salvia sclarea): Promotes a sense of well-being and helps decrease feelings of stress.

Sweet Marjoram (Origanum majorana): Brings balance to the body and mind. Marjoram has a relaxing effect and can help release tension.

Geranium (Pelargonium graveolens): Another relaxing scent. Guthrie says that geranium "can also help a person who is feeling jumpy, as if they're living in a horror movie and a jump scare is just around the corner."

Chamomile (Anthemis nobilis): Reduces anxiety and relieves feelings of depression. Chamomile also famously helps with sleep issues such as insomnia.

Patchouli (Pogostemon cablin): Very strong grounding. Guthrie recommends patchouli to help reset the sleep-wake cycle for people struggling with insomnia and/or fatigue.

Bergamot (Citrus bergamia): Balances emotional energy and uplifts the mood. Guthrie recommends it for brain fog from exhaustion and for aid in letting go of anger.

Eucalyptus (Eucalyptus globulus): A superstar for healing, whether physical, mental, emotional, or even spiritual. Guthrie recommends eucalyptus "to jumpstart the emotional healing process" and "to release the feeling that their trauma is part of their identity."

Sweet Orange (Citrus sinensis): An uplifting and energizing scent. Great for bringing up the mood, promoting happiness, and helping with burnout.

Aromatherapy on a Budget

Listen, y'all. Essential oils are expensive. Ethically sourced essential oils are even more expensive. I save some money by 1.) using essential oils sparingly, and 2.) buying pre-mixed blends. I'll typically look for a blend that contains several oils that I want to work with instead of buying each oil individually. Right now I'm working with the "Harmony" synergy blend from Eden's Garden, which contains lavender, cedarwood, rosemary, clary sage, sweet marjoram, geranium, and chamomile.

If you can't find a blend that has all the qualities you want, you can still save money by buying a blend with most of the qualities you're looking for, then adding one or two low-cost oils. For example, I wanted a slightly more grounding effect than the blend I'm using has, so I add a little bit of patchouli oil to bring in that earthy, grounding quality.

Sources:

The Trauma-Informed Herbalist by Elizabeth Guthrie

"5 Benefits of Clary Sage Oil" by Corey Whelan

"Marjoram Essential Oil" on AromaWeb

"The 8 Proven Benefits of Chamomile Oil and How to Use It" by Jill Seladi-Schulman, Ph.D.

"Essential Oils & Pets" on Saje

"Are Essential Oils Safe for Kids?" by Teresa Carr

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cheshire-qilin · 8 months

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(CW: CSA and grooming topics mentioned; should be content warned and all)

(also this is a personal side blog to @/system-of-a-feather)

Why is starting a post always the hardest thing to do?

Anyhow, I was talking to @reimeichan and I thought it would be nice to revisit the topic again and might be neat to share it with those that might want some perspective that I don't see brought up much, but the longer that I am out of the 6 year trauma loop that I was stuck in, the longer I realize that my experience was a very unique dissociative experience that even among "trauma holders" is not really the most common standard, but I also know it isn't abnormal either for people with DID.

When I say "6 year trauma loop" I mean that for six years straight following The Trauma I was stuck in, anytime I was near the front it was almost always 24/7 all consuming flashbacks and when it wasn't it was emotional flashbacks and trauma rumination that overloaded my ability to process things. As a result, the only real moments I had any peace back then was when I was as far from the front, as dormant as I could be as any moment where I had any sense of consciousness or sentience was immediately filled with nothing but pain, fear, and hurt.

I think in that sense, it was an understatement to call myself a "trauma holder" more so that my life as a part was just trauma. In regards to that, you couldn't really talk to me about anything, or talk me out of it, or really even properly comfort me because even if I could "hear" internally, even if I could "hear" externally, very little of what could or would be said really would not be processed beyond a superficial level - not because I didn't want to listen, but because I functionably could not process anything at the point of overload that the chronic state of flashback put me in.

I say that because I think it might be important for those that can't really communicate or get a productive conversation out of a trauma holding part that is in a similar position to the place I was. It's not a personal support issue on your end, nor is it a personal refusal on their end. They're not there to be receptive to much. Please be gentle on both yourself and them regarding how communication might be.

Additionally, trying to deal with anything more than surviving and not-being-in-pain can be very stressful and overloading for a part in that position. We had tried brainspotting with our therapist and Riku (I think) at the time ended up connecting with me when I was otherwise dormant and I admittedly got really pissed and aggressive and mentally slammed a door in their face for so much as contacting me because it deeply upset and hurt me to be conscious even slightly. It was important and I think - even with how short that interaction was - it was a really important step to helping me out, but do walk carefully when interacting with parts that are in a similar state. Anger and aggression are often a response to hurt, pain, and an act of self defense and/or a response to overload. It's important to understand that even the most gentle and scared and "fawn" response parts in these situations can be momentarily internally hostile and/or perceive you as the threat.

With all that considered, in my experience and opinion, more than anything, it is absolutely important to respect and honor a part's desire to avoid being near the front, interacting and talking. If they want to be dormant, it is best to let them stay dormant (not to force them, but also to not intentionally try to engage them). It might not seem that painful or hard or it might seem as a "greater good" to bring them out and make them talk, but it's retraumatizing. They will likely end up out on and off whether they like it or not regardless of your actions by the nature of trauma and triggers being hard to control. Take their natural fronting frequency and meet them there. Help them when they are already here and I would really ask people to be considerate of parts that simply don't want to exist due to being in a similar position.

Your "greater good" and the systems sense of "needing to process it to heal" is not considerate to parts that are not ready or not comfortable dealing with life. Your desire to "heal properly" does not give you the right to treat trauma holders like obstacles to overcome and tasks on a list to recover. If anything, if I had to say which parts needed to be treated the most human, it would be those parts as they likely got the most inhumane treatment already. Take yourself out of the picture if you intend to help these parts, it will likely get in the way of actually being there for them and trust me, we can tell when you are talking about "helping us" for yourself and "helping us" because you actually care and are concerned about us. It is very off putting and very uncomfortable.

That being said, those are key points from my experience as a part that was in that hell that I wanted to iron out as they were things hosts, protectors, and non-loop-stuck trauma holders took a while to learn.

What @/reimeichan had asked that made me want to revisit this topic was about how I got out of it, which I answered like... half a year back or so here. I actually have not read my original reply to preserve the current and present look back on it as that response was written by Rin/Lin 1.0 and I am Lin 2.0 aka Qilin so while I am still that part, they were not me.

As for getting out of it, I don't think there is advice I could give a part in the same situation. I don't think there is any point to me giving any advice to a part in the same situation, they likely don't have much bandwidth to change what they are doing themselves. At least, I know I sure didn't. So I am not gonna write anything for "the part in the loop", I don't have anything to say other than that I'm sorry you are suffering, you deserved better, you deserve better and do what you need to survive. There is an end to it.

My main advice goes out to those that are wanting to help a part in that situation, which is advice that I got from talking about the situation with Riku - who I largely credit for helping me out in the beginning.

If the part is as chronically overwhelmed and stuck as I was, it can be extremely helpful to have a part simply exist around them with no direct pressure or interest in the topic of the trauma or the flashbacks they are obviously experiencing and to just be there as a stabilizing force near them. It can be awkward, it can be a bit of a rough interaction, you might be seen as somewhat annoying, you might honestly get a lot of bleed through from the part and that will suck, but sitting there with them can help a lot with slowly regaining some more sense of awareness internally.

It can be particularly more helpful if you can give them something even a bit distracting or interesting in the present to ground them to away from the hell loop in their mind. For me, Riku found some good old classic Vocaloid music covers and would sit there and find something that would help sooth me and after a few times of this I actually grew a strong comfort to a specific song. It helped a part of my brain in the loop wake up and go "I really need that song" which while small, was a huge step in the sense that I was - even mildly - looking for something to soothe and calm myself despite being swamped in flashbacks.

Finding that one comfort, that one distraction, is a foot in the door that can be a starting point to build a bridge out of there. Once that song actually did good to slowly calming me down, it opened me up to have a SLIGHT interest in seeing if there is anything else like that which made me feel or think of anything other than my trauma. That opened me up to looking at OTHER songs on my own volition. I wanted to seek an internal experience that wasn't trauma or dormancy. It motivated me to exist despite everything to try to get anything slightly positive.

Riku was honestly great at fostering this and honestly, I think they're really stupid OP with this sort of thing because they were unintentionally and just instinctually really good, but its really helpful to enthusiastically engage in their small piece of, well peace and helping them grow that base into something more.

They often sat and would try to remember old songs from my era of existence to try to find again or catch up on and it was fun - even if I still felt like shit - to have those low energy, low effort explorations. That eventually lead to them noticing that I really liked a lot of Wooma MV videos and asked about it, to which I kind of got a little excited and they were like "hey you know, we draw now, I could help you out if you want to learn Wooma's art style"

And that was honestly huge for me. It was an actual hobby, an actual thing to study, an actual thing to THINK about that engaged my brain and my frontal lobe which made me ground a bit so I could engage and enjoy in the hobby. A lot of the time I still needed Riku for emotional support and a sense of stability, but this became a strong foundation of our relationship with one another and they authentically became the first part that actually treated me like a person and a friend in the system through this shared hobby.

As I stabilized a little more and the routine hobby of doing art together became more of a casual thing we learned to do, we talked ab it more about things, often real things where trauma topics came up and we were able to just listen and hear each other out.

(below this part is likely hyper specific to myself and my trauma, I am sharing it for myself and for a case example)

They sat there with me through so many bad episodes, they didn't need to ask, but they knew - one of the things that my brain went to a lot in my flashback and trauma loop was just the sheer betrayal and cruelty the world had on me back then.

(CW: Somewhat raw grooming and csa talk)

I had immense hurt and grief. We were a kid, a traumatized, lonely, isolated kid that was very desperate, very in need of someone who cared about us, who was kind to us, who liked us, that saw us as a person with issues and not only would stay there with us, but actively loved us unconditionally. We were desperately in need of anyone to be nice to us, anyone to be gentle with us, anyone to care for us and love us. We had already been through so much and we really needed someone - anyone, just one person. We thought - I had thought - we had that. I thought we had a person that was like that. I trusted them entirely. I thought I loved them entirely. I thought I found the person I'd have in my life forever. I had the person who would save me, who would protect me, who would be there to build my new life away from trauma and hurt with. Before I had the chance to admit that to them, they admitted it to me. I was over joyed and in less than a week, I had somehow been turned into a sex object and over the next year, I'd be nothing but a sex object. Not only did I loose that person that was nice and kind and caring, not only did I loose a friend and someone I loved, but I had become nothing but a sex toy and object of someone else's desire. All of it ruined in less than a week after what felt like the best day of my life and a change that I waited to change but only got worse.

The world had saw a broken and injured kid begging for help, and fed me to hell hounds that then consumed my corpse for years. My brain never let that go, my brain kept that on repeat. I was a lonely kid. I trusted. I was happy and over joyed. I was stabbed. I was used. I never stopped being lonely. I never stopped being sad. I never stopped being hurt. I was a lonely kid. I trusted. loop loop loop for six years.

(CW cleared)

I was a lonely kid- but during one conversation, I had casually brought up that and Riku had sat there and went, "That's really awful, in a different way I can relate.... but... you know, at the very least, at least we have each other right? You had no one before, no one cared about you, no one loved you, no one gave you attention, no one had genuine interest in you but.... I'm here now and now we have each other."

And that didn't have any huge immediate changes, but it really stuck because it did break that loop a bit, as for the first time, it did make me realize that I wasn't a lonely scared kid desperate for some help. I had at least one person I had a genuine connection with, a person that both existed internally and that I could tell - by the nature of sharing a brain - had no ulterior motive other than genuinely being my friend.

And at that point, I was a lonely kid that did get a friend who was authentically interested in me, authentically cared about me, that was authentically gentle and kind and authentically loved me unconditionally. I had what I had needed that got me into the situation I was abused in. Why would I have to go back over as to why that abuser used me and hurt me? Why did that person matter anymore?

The starting point of the trauma loop had been addressed and answered. The narrative of lonely -> manipulated -> betrayed -> hurt -> lonely was changed to lonely -> got the care they needed -> life???

And to that narrative point, I think its important to sit there and find what is that starting point and fulfilling what that starting point of the loop needed to have it go in a different direction.

But with that being said, I still don't recommend directly trying to figure it out as the part that is not going through it. It can come off as very invasive and that cerebral approach to being there with the part you are trying to help will make you feel distant, cold, and will likely feel like an ulterior motive.

To that point, I cycle back. Just sit with the part, speaking or not. Sit with them and meet them at their interest and rate of being around.

Honestly, there are a number of other parts in this system that were in the same situation at me, and there was a space and periods here and there when we were both stuck in only emotional flashbacks that I had grown to really like, and I honestly miss them sometimes. I very much want to help them out of there which is why I've been actively discussing this topic with Riku and Ray, but these sorts of things take time. I will be overjoyed when they are ready to be helped, but until then, I'll be waiting for them.

Anyways, enough rambling, I've held the front during Riku's personal time for an hour to write this and I ought to give it back to them. Hope this long post was insightful or helpful to anyone reading it.

#actuallydid #dissociative identity disorder #trauma #c-ptsd #recovery #healing #flashbacks #trauma loop #advice #alter: lin #trauma recovery #trauma processing #system dynamics

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whats-in-a-sentence · 1 year

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It is one thing to process memories of trauma, but it is an entirely different matter to confront the inner void – the holes in the soul that result from not having been wanted, not having been seen, and not having been allowed to speak the truth.

"The Body Keeps the Score: Mind, brain and body in the transformation of trauma" - Bessel van der Kolk

#book quotes #the body keeps the score #bessel van der kolk #nonfiction #trauma #trauma processing #inner void #void #soul #unwanted #unseen #truth #speak your truth

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furiousgoldfish · 1 year

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How to process trauma as a multiple (a person with dissociative identity disorder, OSDD or DID), taken from the book "Becoming Yourself: Overcoming Mind Control and Ritual Abuse" by Alison Miller.

First part of processing trauma as a multiple is that you need all of the parts that are holding some memory of that event; you need the pain holders, the sensation holders, anyone who was present or saw what happened, anyone who holds even a tiny bit of memory or pain or sight or sound, needs to cooperate in order for the trauma to be processed correctly. Unprocessed trauma can be used to trigger you, to trigger your parts, in case of mind control even to control their actions, it can cause emotional flashbacks, make you feel like you're re-living it or are stuck in it, often some parts will be stuck in the moment and unable to get out. In order to process it, the trauma needs to be put back together from all of the parts, and then processed only cognitively – meaning, without any emotion or sensation involved, just seeing and realizing what had happened to you, and with what results for your life. Then, you can introduce emotion and sensation to it, and your brain can make correct connections to what kind of feeling and pain was caused by what event, and store that information properly. Once you have all of the event completely understood and all of the emotions linked to the events they were caused by, the memory should be complete and able to get stored in the long-term memory side of the brain, where it will finally start fading, like normal memories do. Once it's there, it's unable to cause any more emotional flashbacks, panic attacks, or trauma symptoms, it would become a regular memory.

Now, how to do this when you're a multiple and you have many different insiders holding parts of that trauma, a lot of them unwilling to uncover what their part of it is, some of them holding just some of the sensation and some of the pain and unaware of the rest? What needs to be done is explaining to each of them what you're planning to do, and persuading them to give their part of the memory or feeling that they're holding, because it's going to make the burden of it lighter, and they will not be judged or punished for it. For some people, this will mean working around with other parts, that are assigned to punish certain parts for showing emotion or revealing information – they also need to be persuaded to not punish or sabotage the process. The book claims you don't even need to know all of the alters, just ask who has any part of the memory and persuade them, with explanations and benefits to what you're doing, to participate.

Once you have them all in, you need to get a big box, or a treasure chest, or a big bucket, or it can be a storage box, and you tell them to put all of the emotions, sensations, pain, fear, panic, anxiety, grief, anger, sexual feelings, bonds, love, shock, terror, anything they might be holding from that event, to put that feeling into the box. I was surprised to find out I could do this, because I've never done anything like it, but I could easily feel relief when every single sensation got sealed in the box, it was almost unbelievable. Then, you all sit together in front of a projector, or a television, or in my case, I physically transported us all in front of the event, so that we could watch it all happen. This way, all parts get a complete memory of the event, and awareness of what actually transpired, instead of the small part they were holding onto. First time you watch the memory, you watch it without any feelings or bodily sensations, all of that is in the box, and if you start feeling something, you pause, and put that feeling into the box, to continue watching the event using only the cognitive side of your brain. That is the only way you can get a good idea of what happened, without getting completely overwhelmed with sensations and pain. For the memory I was processing, I even cut the sound out and put it in the box, because it was less painful to see it without hearing it.

After seeing it once, you introduce feelings, little by little, and you don't need to feel it all in full extent. It's enough to add a little bit of feeling only to help your brain to connect it to the event. Just to link whatever discomfort, pain, sensation, grief and shock is related to the event at hand, it doesn't need to be felt in full all over again. You watch the memory again and again, until you're able to connect every sensation and emotion to it's cause. If there's any part of the memory missing, any sensation or information or feeling that you can't recall, you ask what part has got it, and ask them to put it in, to find out just what is hiding in that trauma.

When you're sure as you can be that every memory is back in it's place, you talk to all the parts to hear their version of how it felt and what they're feeling and thinking about it. You see what information they've gained from it, and how it changes their view of their function, or their life experience. If some are in grief, shock or terror, you make sure to offer them comfort and bring them back from the despair of it, and show them that other, different things happen in the future, that protect you from anything like that happening again.

After you've managed to do this, you can put the entire memory into the box (or treasure chest, or bucket, or whatever you feel is most appropriate), with a little opening for the chance that some other part of it will come up and need to join the memory, and the box can be stored as a processed memory. This should help your brain to store it as a long-term memory and for it to stop causing trauma symptoms.

I unfortunately have not been able to complete processing a single memory this way yet, because I keep missing parts and pieces, and parts holding them will not come up or cooperate with me, but I am hopeful that figuring out more about my parts and system will eventually enable me to process trauma properly. The information on how to do it gave me options to do things I couldn't do before. For instance, I could approach my child insiders who are stuck in the past, and show them the events of me running away from the abusers, having another place I can live in, show them that different future is possible and that freedom is possible. For those who've been brainwashed, I've been able to show them the events where the person who brainwashed them later abandoned them, ceased their function, and later distanced themselves to the point where they no longer recognize my voice or my face. (This sadly, only put my child insider into deep grief because they depended on that abuser for having a purpose and they're now just upset full time.)

I'm sharing this for the chance that someone else needs this and can use this information. I've never seen it laid out like this before. The examples shown in the book told the story of people taking a few years to intensively work on processing trauma, and then overcoming the symptoms of ptsd, which I find incredible and hard to even believe, having the ptsd symptoms for over 10 years now.

If anyone needs this book and is currently unable to buy it, I'm willing to share the pdf privately.

#osdd #did #multiple #system #trauma processing #cptsd #ptsd #processing trauma instructions #alison miller #becoming yourself #overcoming mind control and ritual abuse #dissociative disorders #dissociative identity disorders

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lorelei-system · 1 month

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So this happened last night:

This is the first time I (or any other alter, from what I remember) had a flashback like that to something trauma related. I’ve been having a couple experiences of suddenly seeing/feeling a particular moment in the past that I usually can’t remember, only for a second, but it was always just random moments. This one… the feeling I got was that something really wrong and bad was happening. It’s such a familiar feeling. And this gives me hope. Something is changing. Maybe we will be ready soon.

(Also directly after this I saw someone (in innerworld I suppose) point a gun at me. And then someone said “busted.” I feel like those may be related. We definitely have an alter who wants to keep these memories locked away.)

#did osdd #did alter #did system #osddid #actually did #osdd system #cptsd #childhood trauma #trauma processing #riley speaks

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struggling-to-find-home · 2 years

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Me: I wonder why I feel like shit and have no energy to do anything

Me, a few days later: Ah, it was trauma processing

#from what I deduced from my own body‚ there are two types of processing: active and passive #active is: Congrats!! Your body is now going to be reliving the terror you once experienced and had to push down!#It will be fucking awful‚ but at least after this the specific trigger won't exist in the system!! good luck dealing with the aftermath tho #passive is: you are going to slowly feel like shit over a few days as the body slowly processes the trauma‚ but the bad effects will #fade almost immediately after you are done. Good luck feeling like shit for no particular reason‚ though!#for some reason I almost always forget about the second one so every time it happens or ends I'm just like *surprised Pikachu face*#anywayssssssss #toxic family #toxic household #dysfunctional family #toxic parents #toxic mother #dysfunctional parents #trauma memes #trauma processing

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nikitasys · 6 months

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I am so mad at certain family members for "protecting themselves" (basically by looking the other way) from my trauma & the suffering it entails.

I am angry because I don't have that privilege.

I don't have the luxury to choose to protect myself from hearing/talking about it.

I don't have the luxury to just ignore the pain.

I have no choice but to feel the gaping wound all the damn time.

— Kita, host/caretaker

#system stuff #did stuff #dissociative identity disorder #did osdd #actually did #plural gang #plural community #did system #multiplicity #plural system #traumagenic system #trauma healing #trauma #trauma processing #trauma recovery #actually traumatised

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traumaisnofun · 9 months

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I may be completely wrong about this but a long time ago I had a therapist who said that victims blame themselves because it gives them the illusion of control over what happened to them which I thought was a little reductive. Then a few years later I realised that although it isn’t the whole picture, part of accepting what happened to you a) happened to you and b) wasn’t your fault is truly emotionally and viscerally (not just intellectually) accepting a reality in which soul destroying things can happen to you at anytime and you have no control over it.

I know it seems kinda backwards because our nervous systems are already acting like that and we can’t control it and that’s the problem but I think maybe those of us who’ve repressed the hell out of ourselves need to catch up to what our bodies know in order to accept it and then process it and move on. Idk what do you guys think?

I will say though depending on your trauma it differs as to whether you will ever actually be that vulnerable again so I guess it’s a balance of accepting but also not living in fear idk

#personally I’m terrible at being in my body 😅#let alone emotionally processing things sigh #childhood trauma #trauma #trauma recovery #recovery #trauma processing #cptsd #ptsd #shame #self blame #victim blaming

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drarrily-we-row-along · 2 years

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Harry had been told that he was a lot.

In many cases, it wasn't just that he was 'a lot', he was told that he was 'too much'. Sometimes with words but most often without. It was fair, he supposed. He did have "really big feelings", life felt like a lot.

Everything felt like a lot to him, so it made sense that it would feel like too much for other people when they undoubtedly had their own shit.

He'd learned from a fairly young age, to press it down, to suppress feelings and emotions, to make them (and subsequently himself) smaller. It was easier that way. And over the course of time, he did it more and more, because it made other people's lives simpler.

That was the truth of it.

It was easier to make himself small, to cut himself into bite sized pieces for other people (so that they didn't do it themselves). It was easier to only give the parts of himself that were required in a given situation, to change himself slightly depending on the needs of those around him; to meet their needs, to be the person they needed him to be.

And it was fine.

Harry was fine.

Until Draco Malfoy showed up unannounced one evening, looking fucking gorgeous with his perfect undercut, and his eyebrow piercing, and tattoos covering his arms (and probably elsewhere), and a cigarette dangling from between his lips. His gaze had glanced over Harry where he stood at the bar, waiting for a round of drinks, and then returned to him. His brow furrowed minutely as he slowly looked Harry up and down again.

He tried to suppress the shudder, the tingle of excitement in his fingers and toes, but going by the cocky grin on Malfoy's face he hadn't succeeded.

(Read more below the cut)

Malfoy strode across the bar and stopped in front of Harry, "Come on."

"What?" he asked, startled and more than a little confused.

"Leave with me."

"What?" he repeated, looking around because surely he must be talking to someone else. "Me? Why? Where?"

"Aren't you sick of it?" Malfoy asked. "The playing, the pretending?" he added, "the pretense of it all? Aren't you fucking exhausted of having to live for everyone around you and never for yourself?"

"Yeah," he said before he could stop himself.

Malfoy grinned widely. "Leave with me," he repeated.

"Where are we going?" he asked.

He raised an eyebrow, "Guess you'll just have to come and find out."

And in spite of what some might call better judgement, he followed Draco Malfoy out of the bar and watched as he slung his leg over a motorbike. It was ridiculously attractive and Harry didn't know what he was meant to do.

"Get on," Malfoy said, running his fingers through his hair.

After a split second debate Harry threw caution to the wind and slipped on behind the other man.

"You're going to want to hold on," Malfoy said, and Harry barely had the presence of mind to grab his waist before Malfoy was taking off into the night.

He zipped through the city, weaving in and out of traffic with much of the same skill that he possessed on a broom, and Harry wasn't a repressed teenager fighting for his life anymore; he could admit that it was sexy.

There was something freeing about relaxing into the movements of the other man's body as he steered, about having absolutely no idea where he was going or what was happening. After a long ride, they ended up outside of a muggle apartment building and Malfoy stepped off.

"Where are we?" Harry asked, still following Malfoy as he started toward the building.

"My flat," Malfoy replied, scanning a card that made the door beep and allow them entrance.

"Why?"

He glanced over his shoulder and his eyes skimmed over Harry once more, "Honestly?"

He shrugged.

"You look like you could use a good shag."

Harry spluttered.

"No offense. Just," he shrugged as he slid a key into the keyhole, "when was the last time you weren't trying to please someone?"

And Harry wanted to be offended. He wanted to offer an indignant, passionate rebuttal but if he was being honest he couldn't remember the last time he'd done something purely selfish.

"Thought that might be the case," Malfoy replied, even though Harry hadn't said anything. Or maybe because Harry hadn't said anything.

"And what do you get out of it?"

Malfoy raised an eyebrow, "Apart from sex?"

He nodded.

"Nothing. That's the beauty of it, Potter. Just," he shrugged, "be."

-----------------

It hadn't been a one time occurrence.

Harry wished that he could say he was surprised about that, but honestly having a place to come and blow off some steam felt beyond good. And getting to come and be whatever he was in the moment; mad, or sad, or joyful, or any other emotion one could imagine, was a revelation.

Malfoy became Draco and then they weren't just fucking anymore. Then they spent hours in bed or lazing about Draco's flat drinking tea or beer and eating the ginger biscuits he always kept on hand. And Harry found the gift of getting to be whoever he was in any given moment, extended to their talking as well.

He talked and talked and talked, and then he talked some more. About anything he wanted to. He talked about good things, he talked about the world they lived in and the dreams he had for it. But surprisingly, more often than not, he talked about himself.

Harry found himself talking about things that he thought he'd either made peace with or shoved down far enough that he'd never have to deal with them again. But in the quiet space between them, in the bed or on the sofa, even out on the little balcony where Draco went to smoke sometimes after sex, Harry spilled his secrets and laid bare his soul.

And Draco let him. He never met him with pity, or with the encouragement to just buck up. Instead he was met with words like, "that must have been very difficult", "I'm sorry that happened to you", "that wasn't fair", or (Harry's favorite but also least favorite in the way that it made his insides feel all tangled) "that wasn't your fault and you shouldn't carry the weight of that."

Draco talked too, sometimes. Probably not as much as Harry did, but with just as much of a variety of emotions. It seemed, to Harry at least, that Draco hadn't really been given permission to feel his feelings either and it helped in some way to have that in common.

It all continued like that for eight months until one night, after Harry had an absolutely awful day, and he just couldn't get himself set to rights. It was August and Draco's flat was a little hot, especially with the doors to the balcony open so Draco could smoke.

He was talking about something, designing a tattoo for a customer, perhaps? When Harry couldn't hold it in anymore, "Why do you do it?"

"What?" Draco asked, looking at Harry like he'd lost the plot. "Tattoo people? It's a job, one I'm quite good at. I thought we'd talked about this-"

"No," he said, shaking his head, trying to clear it, trying not to look a gift horse in the mouth. "Why do you put up with me?"

Draco looked so taken aback that Harry wondered if perhaps he'd spoken in parseltongue. "Why do I put up with you?" he echoed.

"Yes," he said, crossing his arms over his chest. "I know I'm a lot. With my trauma and my baggage, and even without all of that I'm such a mes-"

"Hey," Draco said, stubbing out his cigarette and climbing back inside. "Hey," he repeated, brushing a thumb over Harry's cheek.

"Why?" he whispered.

Draco climbed into the chair with Harry, straddling his lap as he carded his fingers through his hair. "You're not a lot."

"Pfft," he huffed. "Draco, I have more trauma than-"

"You're not too much," he said. "You aren't too much for me because I'm not carrying your shit for you," slowly he brushed a thumb over Harry's temple. "I'm sitting with you in the mess because that's what friends do."

"That's what we are?"

Draco shrugged, "What would you call us?"

"I don't know," he whispered.

The other man looked at him for a long moment, eyes searching him in a way that always left Harry feeling breathless and flayed open. Too much and too little all at once. "Listen to me," he said. Then, "listen to me," whispered softly as Draco brushed his curls back from his forehead. "We don't have to put a name to this for you to be my favorite person. You," he exhaled, "You have lived through so much-"

"So have you," he inserted defensively.

Draco nodded, "So have I," he agreed. "And acknowledging that I have experienced horrific, traumatic things; that I was a child; that I made wrong choices but that those choices were made out of fear and out of love," he shrugged, "it helps me to see how we're all a little broken. And no one wants to admit it."

"Draco," he whispered, heart cracking inside of his chest.

He brushed a kiss over his brow, "so much of the wizarding world hasn't dealt with the trauma they've experienced. Where people have simply told themselves that the danger is gone, so everything can go back to normal. But that's just not how people work," he said. "And when I look at you, I see you."

"What?"

Draco took a deep breath, searching his eyes, "You know that you're not okay."

"That is very true."

He nodded, "and I see you pretending, for everyone else's sake, but it's not for your own sake."

His brow furrowed, "Is that not what everyone is doing? Pretending for everyone around them."

"I don't think so," he said slowly. "I think most people are pretending for their own sake, they don't want to look at their hurts."

"But I do?"

The corner of Draco's mouth curved and Harry wanted to kiss him there, to taste his soft, secret smile the way he had so many times at this point. "You do."

"Must be a bit of a masochist," he said, trying to joke, trying to brush it off, because it felt like too much and somehow not enough for Draco to see him this way.

"You know the cost of hiding," Draco said softly. "You've experienced the costs of not grieving, of not letting your wounded heart express its ache. It hurts now, yes," he agreed, "but it hurts more to let them remain unclosed, to let them fester, to let bacteria in, to let them split open again and again and again."

He thought about this for a moment, thought about his life, about all of the things that had been asked of him, about how little was given to him in return. When he closed his eyes he could see it, his bruised and battered heart. He could see the way that those wounds cut through the tissue and muscle. And he knew Draco was right. "How'd you get to be so smart?"

Draco hummed and Harry could hear his smile before he opened his eyes to see the pleased way it curved up Draco's mouth. "Can I tell you a secret?"

"Always," Harry murmured, stroking his hands up and down Draco's back.

"I went to muggle therapy after the war."

His eyebrows rose in surprise, "Yeah?"

Draco nodded, "And then I was so interested in the way that they heal themselves from the inside that I wanted to learn more about it."

"Yeah?"

"Yes," he said. "I've taken a couple of classes, to learn more, to understand. For me," he hurried on, "but also for other people."

"You're amazing," Harry said, as genuine and earnest as he'd ever been. "I love you."

Draco's mouth popped open, "sorry?"

"Sorry-"

"You were just asking me if we were friends," he said like Harry had baffled him.

Which seemed fair. And Harry desperately wanted to get up, wanted to apparate to flee, probably would have if Draco hadn't been sitting on him. "I-" he said, heart beating unevenly, too fast, too hard, too loud.

"Hey," he said, nudging Harry's nose with his own.

"I-" he tried again without knowing how to finish that thought.

He kissed the corner of Harry's mouth, "You don't have to hide from me."

"I'm literally under you. There's nowhere to hide," he huffed irritably.

Draco laughed, soft and ringing, "Harry," he murmured. "You can feel what you feel. You don't have to push things down. You don't have to..." he trailed off trying to find the right words.

"Make myself small," Harry whispered for him, filling in the words he was struggling to find, and aching with the hope that it was true.

He hummed, "yes. Yeah," he repeated. "Don't make yourself small for me."

"There's an innuendo there, I'm sure of it."

That comment seemed to startle a laugh out of Draco. "I love you too," he sighed through his laughter. "I have really enjoyed the past eight months."

"Seriously?" Harry asked, laughing as a tendril of bitterness and disbelief wrapped around his heart.

Draco nodded, "I'd be up for seeing where this could go if you are?"

He couldn't stop the smile on his face anymore than he could stop the tears flooding his eyes, overcome by relief, by the sense of love and profound peace in being seen and loved all the same. "Yeah," he whispered. "Yeah, let's see where this goes."

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In the next 5 years, Harry and Draco would change the wizarding world's view of therapy "mind healing" the media would call it, even though Draco insisted it was more a healing of the heart.

Healing became a journey, something that more people took seriously, and at the end of it all, it was Harry's proudest accomplishment. He may have defeated the forces of darkness when he killed Voldemort, but the work he and Draco did restored light to the world.

#listen. i don't know what this is #trauma processing #thanks therapy #drarry #love #soft #healing #talking about trauma #dealing with trauma #trauma #on a soapbox BUT: this is my biggest complaint- when we pretend everything just became fine like magic after voldemort died #adding this one to my projecting on fictional characters series.

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lenx-also · 5 months

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>> Why must I fix what I didn't break? <<

There is something to be said about being relentless in the face of healing from hardship.

It's not our fault that certain things come into our lives, whether that be person, place, or situation. We don't ask to be taken advantage of. We don't ask to be hurt. We don't ask to be used. Yet it's still our responsibility to heal those wounds. It's a heavy burden to carry and sometimes? All you need is a break. And sometimes those breaks are too far and few in-between.

The work never stops, yet neither do you. Persistence is key. Living well is an act of radical rebellion.

But sometimes, you just need to breathe.

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morgannotlefay · 1 year

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This is My space between

I was not made for the angels;

These stone feathers were never My choice.

Cumbersome wings were grafted onto My skin,

Breaking My back, My lungs, My voice.

I was not made for the fallen;

These sins nailed to My hands should never have been yours to decide.

you scorched devilish horns onto My crown,

Scarring My hope, My faith, My pride.

What I was made for is none of your concern;

you have taken My choice, My right, My safety.

Saintly wing in sinful hand, I give an almighty wrench;

you will not take this cup from Me.

Fractured feathers, blood, and marrow crawl earthbound.

Airless and in agony, bruised breaths I take in.

Relief bleeds from My pores—this garden of pain I suffer is worth it;

I have finally torn out My aching, unsuited wing.

Someday I’ll rip out its match and cast My horns into the sky,

That day will come on its own—when I have the strength to try.

I will tear down Heaven and walk through Hell,

And in the space between, I will heal.

I wrote this a while back as an entry for a Poetry contest The last 2 lines are still so profound to me and I wanted to share this with anyone on this site that may be dealing with religious (or any kind of) trauma. I hope you find your Space Between, where you can heal.

#religious trauma #tw religious trauma #ex mormon #exmo #tw exmormon #ex christian #ex evangelical #ex religious #religious trauma poetry #poetry #trauma #trauma poetry #trauma processing #healing #mental health

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system-of-a-feather · 9 months

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Back from therapy and Riku recommended me to ramble about this a bit here, but in terms of the narrative of our CSA as I see it, I was a very broken and very hurt child who really needed gentle care and affection and in a time of need, rather than getting that, I was fed to the wolves and eaten alive and left spat out the other end way worse than whatever horrid state I was in before I was eaten.

As far as the narrative goes, from that point my life froze for years until the past year or two, and it took a while to get time to restart, but while that pain and hurt is real and it was horrifically unjust and cruel and nothing that I deserved, I have the care and affection that I needed at the time here within the system and the few people in our life that our system puts in our company.

I was failed by the world and the adults and peers around me there and got horribly hurt and taken advantage of and that betrayal was deadly, but it really is okay now because I have what I need to live again. It still hurts if I sit on it and simmer on it and I don't think itll ever go away, but life continues beyond the simmer and I'm ever thankful for my second chance at doing and getting what I needed now that I am free and honestly, I am blessed to have the care and love I needed even if it came late and after a horrible failure.

I honestly have more support and care and a more intensely supportive system that helps me and cares about me more than I ever could have dreamt of having before hand, so honestly, I struggle to hold long term complaints. Horrible things happened, but I currently have way more than what I could imagine when I was in need, and its met so much more than I requested that it does honestly make up for all the bleeding wounds I took on.

I guess I forgive the world for the cruel joke cause I guess I am just thankful to be part of this system and have so many supportive peers in this brain and body with me. It makes me feel like part of something and like I belong and am wanted and cared and thats really all I wanted since I've existed. I'm pretty happy and satisfied and its weird to say considering I was trapped in it for years upon years, but the CSA trauma I held just seems to disappear in the background as a side arc to my life the longer I float around the front and Ray helps me integrate more into the system. It's authentically kind of becoming an "oh that, right" than the endless spiraling void it used to be.

#alter: lin #anyways I or XIV have to get home from therapy #lots of love ❤️#lin rambles #recovery #csa recovery #trauma recovery #trauma processing

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dying-weeds · 3 months

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No it's defeat

#vent #traumacore #mine #ventcore #actuallytraumatized #trauma #actually ptsd #trauma vent #traumacore vent #acceptance #trauma processing

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quinloki · 8 months

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I’mma muse about some stuff and it’s going to get a little lot dark so please tread carefully.

Topics will include assault, trauma, trauma processing, projection, and messy healing.

And oddly enough, it all started with realizing what defining moment it was that made Marco my #1 blorbo over Eustass Kid.

I love Eustass Kid - from canonical character to head canon king, I just love him. He is, as I’ve said, to me the quintessential dom - the quintessential Kinkster. Maybe it’s the aesthetic, or the misfits of the misfits vibe his entire crew has going on, or maybe I’m just projecting my own ideal onto a big beef cake.

Of all the mental/emotional deep dives I could go on, I’m not here to muse on that.

I realized Marco had overtaken Kid for me when I found myself craving dark fics with Marco. Not the kind where he’s being dark, the kind where Teach has his face in the dirt and his ass in the air and is threatening to slaughter all the survivors if Marco struggles against him.

And I realized that one of the biggest reasons for that - and I think most dark content - is the validation it provides. That the things I survived weren’t as avoidable as I used to believe, they were neither my fault nor within my control.

It’s a validation that even strong people can be victims and being one doesn’t make you weak or worth less.

It provides a way to navigate the healing after ward, and because we see the darkest parts of the trauma we can see the messiest parts of that healing too. The good days that weave between the neutral ones that are tied down by the awful ones.

The validation that healing is messy. For our heroes as much as for us, for the people we admire and disdain.

And fiction, fan fiction especially with the added layer of connection I feel that exists, let’s us apply those traumas not just from the hands of villains, but also heroes, such as they may exist in the original world. Good guys can do bad things - the person your community exalts Can be the villain who hurt you. The delinquent who broke your nose can also be the one who pulls you from a burning building.

We are complex.

It’s easier to process that complexity on the canvas of fictional characters sometimes than to face it directly. And I think that’s okay. I honestly think it’s wonderful - a beautiful, if not often misunderstood side effect of creativity.

And sometimes? Sometimes we break those beloved characters and end the story with them shattered. Because that could have been our end. That is the What If we hadn’t survived.

And I don’t think we’re always aware of this - I know a few people who don’t even realize how traumatized they are. They’re flippant, coping with humor, about things that make your blood run cold when you hear them. Sometimes denial fuels people, and they’re okay because they’re too strong to be a victim, too functional to be broken.

So we don’t realize why that drive is there. Why we want to see certain events presented in fiction. Why it feels like relief, or why we cry at parts we wouldn’t expect to prompt tears.

But kink, fic, bdsm, etc. as long as you aren’t exploiting or harming someone real, then I don’t think there’s a single thing wrong with how dark your content gets.

(If you start actually wanting to harm someone though, please seek professional help. Your fantasy/coping lines are blurring with reality and you’re gonna need external assistance carving that line back into place.)

But, odd as it is, to me, bad things don’t happen to Kid (I mean the canon material beats him up enough as well). Kid’s the rock that weathers everything so his crew stays protected. So *I* stay protected. Even if he was broken he’d never admit to it, not in any way that would lead to processing it and healing from it.

But to me, he doesn’t break.

Marco can. But Marco can also heal from it, and I’m not talking about his Devil fruit. I’m talking about wounds you can’t just bandage or regenerate. He’s strong, so strong, but he’s been through the ringer, and you only need to apply a little more pressure… and then heal with him afterward.

That makes him, to me personally, more relatable. And thus back to the seemingly innocuous reason for this - that’s why he’s my #1.

#quin muses #mentions of assault #trauma #trauma processing #projecting #musing on the need for and important of dark content

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