Back from therapy and Riku recommended me to ramble about this a bit here, but in terms of the narrative of our CSA as I see it, I was a very broken and very hurt child who really needed gentle care and affection and in a time of need, rather than getting that, I was fed to the wolves and eaten alive and left spat out the other end way worse than whatever horrid state I was in before I was eaten.

As far as the narrative goes, from that point my life froze for years until the past year or two, and it took a while to get time to restart, but while that pain and hurt is real and it was horrifically unjust and cruel and nothing that I deserved, I have the care and affection that I needed at the time here within the system and the few people in our life that our system puts in our company.

I was failed by the world and the adults and peers around me there and got horribly hurt and taken advantage of and that betrayal was deadly, but it really is okay now because I have what I need to live again. It still hurts if I sit on it and simmer on it and I don't think itll ever go away, but life continues beyond the simmer and I'm ever thankful for my second chance at doing and getting what I needed now that I am free and honestly, I am blessed to have the care and love I needed even if it came late and after a horrible failure.

I honestly have more support and care and a more intensely supportive system that helps me and cares about me more than I ever could have dreamt of having before hand, so honestly, I struggle to hold long term complaints. Horrible things happened, but I currently have way more than what I could imagine when I was in need, and its met so much more than I requested that it does honestly make up for all the bleeding wounds I took on.

I guess I forgive the world for the cruel joke cause I guess I am just thankful to be part of this system and have so many supportive peers in this brain and body with me. It makes me feel like part of something and like I belong and am wanted and cared and thats really all I wanted since I've existed. I'm pretty happy and satisfied and its weird to say considering I was trapped in it for years upon years, but the CSA trauma I held just seems to disappear in the background as a side arc to my life the longer I float around the front and Ray helps me integrate more into the system. It's authentically kind of becoming an "oh that, right" than the endless spiraling void it used to be.

Hey y'all, I just thought I'd give y'all a bit of an update on my life since I've been kinda quiet recently.

So, I still can't walk really well. I don't have feeling in half my lower leg and my foot. But I had my MRI on Wednesday and it showed significant narrowing of my spinal canal and severe narrowing of the S1 nerve root. Which explains why I can't feel that part of my leg and foot.

I have an appointment with my surgeon two weeks from yesterday, so we'll see what he wants to do, I guess. The next step when I had my first surgery was fusion. And he wanted me to lose weight before that. I haven't lost weight. In fact, I may have gained some. Because PCOS is a bitch and I can't move well enough to exercise regularly. Anyway. If he doesn't want to do the surgery still, then I'll find a surgeon who will.

I've been so depressed recently. I can't drive, I'm having to ask for rides home every day after work, and I'm sick of it. I'm sick of tripping over my own feet because I can't move one of them, and I'm sick of not being able to do shit. I haven't been able to write or draw.

So I'm making it. I'm just...probably not gonna be around too much. I'll probably be here to reblog and chat. But I wouldn't expect much in terms of art or fic. At least until I get things figured out.

I love you all and if you celebrate, I hope you had a great Thanksgiving!

i cried. i fucking cried at the last two chapters. damn, that was the best one i've read in my whole life. i'll be waiting for the shards of glass!!

omg you are making me blush >///<

This means so much to me. That I was able to evoke emotions in readers and that people were really enjoying the ideas that I wrote down. Comments and replies like this are what gives me (and other writer) motivation to continue . I am myself excited for Shards of Glass if you believe it or not and I hope you will like later the outcome of it >///<

thank you for all the love on the fin fin drawing <3

Merry Christmas everyone! Or have a great day! Either way I hope you’re having a good time.

I really tried to not be late but I got sick just before Christmas and had no energy to finish this. I got a few asks about how would the cousins spend Christmas time so here you go, hope that answers your questions. Also thank you for the lovely wishes, you’re all awesome and I love you! ❤️

Ok I’m back on my break

at my core i’m a marigami lover first and foremost

excuse the roughness I was too lazy to fix it up. and i had to redraw it like four times before it looked right

OKAY so what ive been thinking about for ages is ctommy and being soft vs quiet . because i feel like it's one of those things in his fandom characterisation that sparks the most debate and in my opinion theres a huge difference between the two but i keep seeing people mix them together.

ctommy is soft but he's not quiet, and to disregard either of those things is what makes him less believable in fanworks imo

because on one hand, of course he's not quiet, that's the most obvious and i think one of the most commonly accepted qualms that we have with general fan interpretations of him. he doesn't just lie down and take shit, he's always committed to being an annoying shit, he's straight up rude so often, and even just. vocally. man's loud as fuck. i think that's pretty easy to establish .

but then what i find is that sometimes we veer into the other opposite, by completely denying that ctommy is also very soft sometimes. and by this i don't mean he turns into strawberry shortcake or starts being polite or whatever, but it's the fact that he's not just crass and rude. he's very considerate a lot of the time, he just shows it. uh. in his Own Way let's say. he cares for animals so so much, he's always so apologetic when he thinks he's hurt one of them, for fuck's sake he sung to the FLOWERS. he's very soft with nature, with things he's attached to, with things he perceives as weaker than him and needing protection.

the complexity of ctommy and what makes him so hard to grasp is that he's loud, he's brash, he is NOT a perfect quiet victim who suffers in silence, he asks for help, he's rude, he steals stuff, he's annoying as shit; but he's also soft, and incredibly empathetic, and he has no shame in showing that softness for animals or nature or his friends.

ctommy, and this is very much because cctommy himself acts like that a lot, is constantly vacillating between someone with the maturity of a thirteen year old boy who shouts and swears and pretends not to give a shit, and a boy who will stop everything he's doing to look at the sky or a flower or an animal (which does contrast his stereotypical rude teenager persona, because lots of aforementioned thirteen year old boys Would be embarrassed or whatever to do that).

he does BOTH. he's not just quiet and nice and sad and lonely; but he's not just rude and loud and """uncaring""" (if there is one thing ctommy is not i think we can all agree its UNCARING).

and i think this is why a lot of debates around "woobifying" ctommy (who remembers the july 2021 trenches . the butterfly clips.) tend to point any ctommy design that portrays him as soft, cozy, or even leaning into his feminine side as the be-all end-all of reducing his character.

in reality i think that misses the mark a bit because while there IS something to be said for sure about people turning ctommy into Blonde Anime Child #249824 and stripping him of his Very Vibrant character, i don't think that putting him in butterfly clips and skirts erases him in the same way. i think he could very much lean into that kind of thing . as long as he's still flipping off the camera we're all good

TLDR : fans strip ctommy of his loud-and-annoying persona but in avoiding that some forget that he's a character who's not afraid to be soft

“I'm hoping, you know... He'll call.”

FELLOW TRAVELERS 1.02 ‘Bulletproof’

JUDGEMENT

Finally, her fourth and final card for Trespasser!!

1. The Hanged Man

2. The Chariot

3. The High Priestess

For @borbealis ❤️

happy valentine’s day!! i’m not late time is an illusion

Lil life update - last night me and Kas got a dog and got engaged ❤️

Atta girl!

no honestly did jean genuinely not realize that the car in the ocean was a suicide attempt?? did he really think harry was THAT drunk or was he willingly misinterpreting it so he could shift any sympathy away from harry? because i can absolutely see jean seeing it as a suicide attempt but deliberately choosing to frame it as an irresponsible accident resulting from harry's alcoholism, because that way no one will be like "oh shit harry tried to kill himself?" and they'd instead join jean in condemning harry for his addiction

peepaw looks like he might have just peeped the horrors but being a fun grandpa takes priority 👍 yaaaay

redraw of a great cursed image. I wish we had more interactions with these three they are so goofy to me!