#so im not noticing the other differences like... how im handling my triggers | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

molotovmetro · 1 year

Text

The 141 + König with a s/o who goes non-verbal

Tiny disclaimer: im autistic and have moments of being non verbal during breakdowns etc, so this is based mostly off of my own experience, but if anyone feels like ive said inaccurate or offensive things, please let me know as that would never be my intention. The way I've written this suggests this is a negative feeling (, since thats how i experience it) but I understand that might not be the same for everyone. For some people this might just be a daily or

Requested by @apocalypticseagull

Warnings: mentions of stress and the slightest hint at possible injury, besides that nothing I can think of

M!reader

Ghost

Ghost relates to you. While he wouldn't claim his experience is the same, he gets moments of overstimulation where he wants everyone to leave him alone, and will just stop reacting to people.

When he feels like this, he prefers to sit in his room, either completely in the dark or with only a small lamp on, and have as little noise around him as possible.

If you're in a stress situation, not knowing what else to do to help you, that's what he'll resort to.

He'll take you into either his room or yours, whichever you would prefer, and holds you while letting you get away from all the triggers for a bit. Unless you're dealing with life or death situations, whatever work you have left for the day can wait. Your wellbeing always comes first.

Soap

Soap is a lot more observant than people give him credit for. He's the king of avoiding stressful situations for you whenever he can.

But alas, he can't avoid it every time. Whether you start saying less and less as the minutes go on, or just stop talking suddenly, he notices immediately.

Not that he'd be quick to admit it, but he's got a written list of everything you like, even if it's just something you mentioned in passing. He absutely will use this list to do whatever he can to make you smile and relieve some of your stress.

He'll make sure to find a way to still communicate that both of you are comfortable with. He'll happily lend you his journal to write in, or he'll ask Roach for some lessons in sign language. He'd break his back bending over backwards to make you comfortable if he had to.

Gaz

No matter how often it happens, Gaz still feels a jolt of panic whenever you don't respond over coms when you're on a mission. He almost sags in relief as soon as he hears you hum, or even just hears the crackly static of you pushing your radio's button.

He knows you're a talented soldier and you're more than capable of handling yourself, he still prefers to be near you at all times. What if something happens and you can't tell him? You could be in trouble without him even knowing. He'll, just knowing you're stressed is making him want to reach for you.

He likes his job, likes helping people and ridding the world of danger, but his favourite part of every mission is when you're sitting in the exfil helo after a good mission, and you give him that wide smile he's been waiting hours, if not days to see.

Price

You and Price have been working together for so long, you both know the drill. When he starts to notice you going quiet, he makes sure he only asks yes or no questions. On your side; one click of your radio button for no, two for yes. Throw in some improvised morse code when necessary, and you've got a solid communications system.

Having this system is also a huge bonus during stealth missions, when he can't talk freely without risking being spotted.

He loves hearing your voice, but he doesn't treat you any differently when you can't talk. He'll support you in whatever way you need, without making it feel like he's babying you.

The two of you are a well oiled machine. No matter how stressful the situation, usually you can tell what the other one is thinking just by looking at them. You know you both have each other's back, verbal communication or not.

König

König doesn't mean to make a big deal out of it, and he won't if you don't, but he does worry.

After a situation like that happens once, he commits everything that helps you to his memory, and uses the knowledge to help you the next time it happens.

Even down to the tiniest detail, he'll remember. If you don't like a certain texture or can only stand a certain flavour of drink during moments like this, he's making sure you have everything you need and are as comfortable as possible. Whatever is stressing you will be dealt with by him while you're resting and calming down.

If you want to be alone, he understands and respects that, and gives you the space you need. But if you don't, there's nowhere he'd rather be than by your side.

2K notes · View notes

letters-from-dekarios · 2 months

Text

midnight tears

summary: stricken with grief, anxiety, and the shadow of his former, prouder, self, gale takes to seeking comfort in the swift end he dreamt up many moons ago. tav finds him before it’s too late.

or: gale considers exploding and tav stops him

word count: 2.1k

tags: PLEASE READ BEFORE CONTINUING: this story contains themes of self-harm/suicide. it is not my intention to trigger or harm anyone who comes across this story, but, rather, to share a side of a fictional character I’ve taken a liking to. please do NOT read if these themes, discussed in a reasonable concept of detail, could potentially harm your mental state.

other tags include; gn!tav, act 1 storyline, major gale angst, im still a part of the mystra hate club

He had it all planned out. Written down. He had a failsafe in case things went wrong. Timed it down to the letter, against all the knowledge he had on the orb within him. If worse came to worst, Gods he hoped it wouldn’t, he knew precisely how he wanted to go.

When he first gathered the understanding of the Netherese orb within him, its desperate need to consume the Weave, he was confused. Which was a rare occurrence for him. He was always so knowledgeable that confusion rarely ever happened. He’d question things and soon find an answer, but with this.. no, this was different.

In his quest to prove his love, he only proved his egotism. Something he had tried to stay away from and here he was, indulging in it. How proud was he that he could be able to love the Goddess and Mother of all magic and still be unhappy? Still try to attain more power, more love? How dare he, a mortal man, try and capture the Weave for himself?

Was it really out of love, or was the idea of power and the concept of Godhood too tempting to be toyed with? How did he get this far? How did he manage to do it in the first place, if not by his handling of the Weave itself? He had all the power he could hold and still wanted more.

He was the epitome of a power-hungry, egotistical, jackass.

He deserved the consequences he now had to suffer. He could blame no one other than himself for Mystra’s decision to make him live with it. She could have, very well, killed him right there. But she, by her merciful graces (or what the larger part of Gale perceived as merciful), allowed him to live. He would sacrifice himself to right the wrongs he had created.

As he lay in his tent, one uneventful night, staring at the stars, he pondered the plan he had in his back pocket. He had it figured out for years now, so it wasn’t a question, but he questioned the actual statistics of it. He pulled out a little vial from his bag and turned it over in his hands, reading the neat handwriting over and over again. Midnight tears. A poison whose consequences would only take effect at midnight exactly. If he consumed it in the early morning, traveled far into the Underdark and waited, he would avoid injuring any innocents in the process.

It was a desirable end to his misery, he concluded. If he woke before Tav and the rest of the group, he could be gone before they arose. He doubted they would notice he was missing.

He knew Tav had accepted him for his faults, his lies, and everything else with him. They had encouraged him to stay traveling with them, but he didn’t feel as though he deserved to.

He wondered what the poison would feel like, how it would taste. The seller who gave it to him was vague on the details, and Gale didn’t know if he preferred that or the horrid truth of receiving every component.

He set the poison to the side and conjured a dagger in his hands. He twisted it between his palms, considering the other option to poison. It wasn’t the preferred way to go, but it was his failsafe in case the poison went bad. All he had to do was plunge the magic knife into his chest, and off he would go.

It wouldn’t be the prettiest, he knew that, but it would be better than nothing. His blood pooling out onto the ground, pained cries filling the air- he’d apologize again and again to Mystra, his goddess, his first love, telling her how sorry he was for the stupid mistakes he’d made.

His mouth would taste like copper, eventually, and by then he’d begin slipping away. His body would go numb, he figured, and then his hands would drop. He would fall onto his back, staring up into the vast sky of Faerún, before everything disappeared.

He had a letter written already for his soul to pass on to Tav and the others. He’d apologize to them, too, for letting them down. For not becoming the man they hoped and wished he was. For everything. There wasn’t enough time in all the realms where he could be forgiven for his mistakes.

The longer he sat there, with his thoughts, the more he twisted the knife between his hands. The more he sunk into himself, the harder he pushed it in his palms.

He didn’t even realize he was bleeding until he felt his hands become oddly slippery. He sat up and looked down, his eyes going wide as he saw the blood trickling down his fingers. His heart began to race, his chest becoming tight. He couldn’t live with himself if he died now and took out all his companions with him. Though, maybe he was just being dramatic.

The knife in his hands disappeared and he looked clearer at the cuts on his hands, cursing himself under his breath. He grabbed a nearby carafe of water and poured it over his hands, hissing in pain while they stung.

“Goddess forgive me..” he sighed under his breath, looking around for some cloth he could use to cover his wounds. Then, during one of their battles, he could play it off as an injury received. Why did he do this?

Why was he like this?

He could never know the answer to those questions. The questions that pulled at his heart and broke down in his mind- they had no real answers, they never were able to be answered to begin with. In all his years living as some high, extraordinary Chosen of Mystra, he never found the courage to become insightful of himself. He never understood why he was never enough, or why he couldn’t do things right. Why did he feel the need to lie to cover his imperfections? Why was he so scared that if he messed up, he would never be exonerated?

Mystra had planted the seed in his head that he was not worthy of forgiveness, that death would be the only thing to balance his scale. It got to him. Terribly so, Gale began to believe that she was right. After all, how could one commit such a sin against a God and not be considered unworthy of their forgiveness? He had tried to usurp her authority, whether for love or pride, and had to deal with her wrath. She had every right to not pardon him. She had every right to make him feel how he did.

Though he was rather calm in these situations, no matter what was happening around him, right now he was panicking. His breath picked up, his chest rising and falling faster by the second. Why couldn’t he find a damn cloth?

“Gale?” Tav’s sweet voice broke him from his thoughts. Was he crying, too? He couldn’t tell anymore. He was a whole mess and a half.

“Tav-“

“What happened?” The way they spoke, so much concern in their voice, he couldn’t help but be ashamed of what he had become. How could he sit here, hurting, and hurt others around him? The look Tav gave him was enough to break a thousand realms over again, and he felt awful for making them deal with him.

“I- I don’t know…” he replied, the panic in his eyes as evident as ever.

Tav disappeared for a moment but quickly returned with more water and some towels. They sat down beside him, sighing softly as they took his hands in their own.

He winced, pulling back for a moment before Tav eased him, gently cleaning the wounds.

“Gale..” they started again, and he looked away, ignoring the wounds on his hands. Gods, he was so stupid.

“I’m sorry, I don’t know what happened,” he replied, taking a breath as Tav made sure his hands were okay.

“Gale,” they repeated, glancing down suspiciously at the poison beside him.

He looked to his side, sighed, and then opened his mouth to speak. How could he even begin?

“You promised me,” Tav sighed, waving their hands and muttering a small healing spell. Soon enough, the wounds closed, and his hands were clean again.

“I wasn’t going to-“

“Gale-“ they sighed again, running a hand over their face. “Why do you even have it? We discussed this. It won’t come down to that.”

“We don’t know that.”

Tav looked at him with those sad, puppy-dog eyes. Hurt laced their words, how could Gale be so cruel to himself?

“It’s for safety.”

“Safety of who, Gale? What happens if you accidentally drink it instead of a healing potion? What happens if it ends up in your food?” They asked, eyebrows furrowed together.

“I wouldn’t do that-“

“Oh, come on. We’ve all done it. These damn bottles look so alike! I hardly know the difference between a feather fall and an angelic sleep spell, Gale. It could happen to any of us.” Tav replied, their words rather sharp. Gale flinched, looking down at his fully restored hands.

“I cannot live on if I do not have a clear source of escape should things turn the wrong way,” Gale replied, honest-hearted words clashing with the things he was actually thinking. Yes, he felt that way, but did he think that way? Hardly.

Truth be told, Gale was angry with Mystra. At least, a small part of him was. He had done everything to love her, to prove his love, going so far as bestowing this upon himself, and instead of helping, she cast him aside. If she truly loved him as she claimed to, would he even be here? Why had she left him like this- surely death would have been much kinder. This was just plain cruel.

“I don’t want you to think like that, Gale. I want you with me, with our party, for as long as you can be. You’re supposed to stay by our side, not have a plan to leave us,” Tav took his hands in their own again, looking him in the eye. “Please, Gale. I want you to live. I need you to live. Planning your demise does no one any good, especially not yourself.”

“Mystra-“

“Enough about Mystra!” Tav dropped his hands, frustrated now. “We know. I know. Why are you so devoted to her when all she’s done is bring you pain? It makes no sense to me that you would continue to suffer in her name. You need to be free, Gale. Netherese orb or not, and whether you like it or not, you’re in this tadpole journey with us. I don’t give two damns what Mystra thinks or feels. This is about you, not her.”

Those words struck him. Yes, that tiny part of him agreed, Mystra was harsh for leaving him like this. She was rather harsh to toss him aside after doting on him and his abilities for so many years. But the larger part of him outweighed that piece, and he could only help but feel guilty for thinking such things about her.

“But-“

“No buts, Gale. You’re going to stop this stupid ‘I’m going to blow myself up for Mystra’ nonsense. I know it’s a part of who you are, we all have things we have to deal with, but please. For me, for all of us, you can’t go on with this weight on your back.” Tav sighed, taking his face gently in their hands and wiping away his tears.

“I’ll try to do better, I promise,” Gale replied, letting his face rest in their soothing hands. Why did he always hurt those that he loved? He couldn’t answer that. He never could.

“The next time you start contemplating your death, please, Gale, talk to me. Talk to any of us! We all want to be here for you, and I know I would be so incredibly miserable if we lost you,” They looked into his eyes and pulled his head against their own. Their foreheads touched, Gale’s eyes shut, and for a brief moment, he felt at peace. No matter what happened he knew he had friends to rely on. And for that, he was thankful.

Tav made sure he was alright before returning to the campfire to rest. He tucked the poison into the furthest part of his bag, laid himself to rest, and let his mind slip away into the night.

He would keep the poison and the letter handy, just in case, and it would take quite some time for him to be fully able to talk to the others when he was feeling like exploding, but it would happen. Eventually, he would be okay. Eventually, he would find peace.

63 notes · View notes

idyllic-affections · 1 year

Note

hey I really liked your angle kisses with kaveh. can I request an angsty fic with kaveh where the reader has difficulty accepting affection cause they've never had it before and think it's mocking and condescending instead?

may my guard never drop, for should my heart be allowed to breathe, i fear i may cause you harm.

summary. vulnerability is difficult. trigger & content warnings. none applicable. tropes, pairings, fic length, & other notes. soft angst. kaveh x reader. 0.6k words. they/them pronouns for reader. author's thoughts. FIRST ANON LETS GO!!!! hi lovely, im so glad you liked angel kisses. i hope you'll like this one too <3 it is short, but it actually ended up being a little longer than i anticipated. on a different note, idk why but i title some of my works as if i was a brooding poet LMAO

Kaveh was an affectionate man.

Anyone who knew him could say such a thing with confidence; he was passionate about everything he did, and naturally, that included expressing his affection towards his loved ones. In fact, it seemed that he became even more impassioned when it came to that. Unlike most Akademiya graduates, Kaveh was driven largely by emotion rather than logic, and his emotions were very plentiful. That fact was no secret.

As such, it would come as no surprise that the architect was fluent in virtually every love language.

Was someone he cared for dreading doing a particular tedious chore? Oh, no worries—he'd already taken care of it before they could get too stressed over it; stress isn't good for the body nor the mind, after all. Did they want to go somewhere in particular? He would be glad to accompany them, especially if they felt unsafe going alone. Was a friend of his from the Akademiya feeling insecure about a rejected thesis? He'd sing their praises for hours on end, taking the opportunity to both support his friend and outwardly oppose the Sages and their close-minded interpretation of wisdom.

Kaveh was a lover with a heart too big for his chest to contain, and to some, a fool.

However, a fool wouldn't see the things he did. Yes, perhaps once in a while, he'd be blindsighted by his boundless ardor, but he was not blind to discomfort—he was not blind when it came to harming others. It was something he tried to avoid as much as he possibly could. He was not blind to the way [Name] would avoid his touches oh-so diligently, how the contact seemed to agitate them. He noticed. He saw. He was no fool. Still...

He hated not being able to understand why. For a self-proclaimed empath, he was having a terribly difficult time figuring it out.

"Do you not like when I touch you?"

Archons above, he looked like a kicked puppy, scarlet eyes wide and expression borderline pouty. Expressive and passionate he certainly was. They grimaced, turning back to the fruit stall in front of them and picking out the sunsettias they deemed to be of the best quality. Firm fruit was generally of higher quality than soft fruit.

"It's... not that, Kaveh."

He wordlessly waited for them to continue, reaching out to squeeze their hand in what would have been a reassuring manner, only for them to draw their arm away from him.

A pained look flashed briefly across his features.

"...I just find it condescending. It's not you."

"Why? Who made you feel that way?"

"I don't know, okay?" A deep sigh left through their nose. "I know you don't mean it like that, but old habits die hard, I guess. It's like... It makes me feel like I'm being treated like a child who can't handle themselves, being coddled and pampered... I don't like it."

Vulnerability was a difficult thing. To be truly, earnestly open and honest with someone... the thought alone made their throat tighten uncomfortably, stomach twisting at the simple thought. Many scholars did not openly embrace vulnerability, deeming it to be a "hinderance to the pursuit of wisdom"; they were hardly any different, only they encouraged it in others while refusing to embrace it themselves. However, hypocrisy was unbecoming of an intelligent person. They couldn't be bothered to care.

The act of being vulnerable did not come to them easily.

Responding with aggression, however, did. It had happened more than once with other people who were a bit too pushy. They knew very well that Kaveh didn't deserve that, though.

"[Name]—"

"Can we talk about this later?" they murmured, gnawing on the corner of their lip. "I'm not in a good enough place to talk about this right now. You're sensitive, Kaveh. I don't want to hurt you."

Without waiting for a response, they quickly turned on their heel, the intention of fruit shopping being long forgotten as they darted towards one of the ways out of the Grand Bazaar.

The architect only watched motionlessly in uncharacteristic silence as they left, the sting of rejection searing his skin.

please consider reblogging, it helps me out quite a lot!

#aphelion's drabbles 🌸#aphelion's requests 🌸#platonic genshin impact #platonic genshin impact x reader #kaveh x reader #kaveh x you #genshin impact x reader #genshin x reader

77 notes · View notes

fleshdyke · 2 months

Note

i am a new high school teacher and i would love to hear from you about how you feel like teachers could improve handling your accommodations! it’s a tough system to get any benefit from as a student and i want to make it easier at my school!

im going to assume youre talking about the whole english class thing bc that's what i've been talking about lately lol. in case you didn't catch the whole thing, basically what happened is i missed a day of school bc of a field trip and on the day that i missed we were scheduled to finish the book we'd been reading and in one of the last couple chapters there was a really graphic description of csa. my teacher is really great and always gives warnings for anything potentially triggering in anything we were going to read but again i didn't hear the warnings. anyways next day i came in and started to finish the book, she didn't notice i was reading it so she didn't warn me, and i was totally caught off guard by the whole thing. i actually only read three words of the first paragraph that started the description but it was enough to trigger a really awful flashback in the middle of class lmfao. so i had a panic attack in class, my teacher was very nice about it, she let me leave class and was sorta talking me through it (and sent my best friend to find me in second period after i couldn't find him first period), etc etc. next day i got my teacher to skip past the description, tried to keep reading from there but it was mentioned a couple times after and i had another panic attack. she was very nice about it again, asked me about my birds to distract me, and then told me the ending bc i couldnt finish the book. anyways she wanted to show the movie adaptation of the book and it's pretty faithful to the book so she let me go somewhere else so i don't have to see it. anyways. idk. it's a lot easier to identify the accommodations teachers should take when they don't take them lol. but idk just. believe the students. like just never assume students are doing whatever in bad faith or are actively trying to make your life hard. some of us are at different levels of maturity so just never treat us like children even if you see some of us act like children (including those that are acting like children. it won't help to disrespect them). accommodations like the ones i'm getting to prevent further flashbacks n things like that really aren't hard to deal with. we're trying our best, we're still very new to the world, "problem kids" have way more problems than what they're making for you, you have no idea what else we're dealing with at home, socially, or in other classes, and high school is probably the hardest thing (academically at least) most of us have ever done. don't treat us like children but keep in mind that we're still learning. i'm very open about the reasons i need my accommodations but a lot of people aren't, so if someone says they can't/don't want to read a book or watch a movie and they won't tell you why, don't treat them like they're trying to get out of doing work. give them an alternative. it usually works out

#asks

6 notes · View notes

gumasantan · 1 year

Text

home: a three-part haikaveh fic (1/3)

about: a haikaveh modern treasure hunt AU.

word count: exactly 1.6k words (FINALLY!)

a/n: first fic that's not a oneshot. i'm being experimental in this one, and probably will be in the next parts of this fic. with that said, i'll continuously update the fic until im satisfied to move on to the next part, which will be in the process of being written soon. (SCHOOL SUX) please enjoy!

second chapter: the chamber

third chapter: the outside

“I still cannot believe that they decided that WE should tackle this together!”

An exasperated sigh escapes someone’s lips with an irritated expression on his facials, walking alongside someone else who has an opposite look: Stoic with little to no care about his companion who keeps ranting beside him.

“Don’t they realize that we are the worst set of people they could ever choose?”

The complaints echoed within the hallway surrounded by sandstone with dusts of sand littering the air. The path ahead and even the space all the way back, deeply hidden in pitch darkness. The pair can only have an idea of where they are with the ignited torch illuminating the area, promptly carried by a man with a silver hair, who is starting to get bothered with the broken radio his ears have had the luxury of listening to.

“Why didn’t you just go here alone, isn’t that what you’ve always preferred? I’m sure that you wouldn’t want someone like me disturb you on something like this!”

He hardens his grip on the torch, squeezing its handle with his palm. As they keep moving forward, he sharpens his eyes toward their surroundings, anticipating any trap set up to interrupt their walk that could even quite possibly harm them. But so far, he hasn’t noticed anything nor did it ever seem to him that they were near at triggering one.

Maybe the real trap is being with him, and that trap is about to trigger something far worse than itself.

“Bah! Why did I even agree in joining you?”

Bingo.

“You seem to have hit the mark, Kaveh.” The silver-haired man spoke, facing him annoyingly as he ceased walking.

“What? Did you really think I had a choice? If I didn’t, then the Academy would be crossed with me and I don’t particularly desire to do that.” Kaveh answered him with what should be an already obvious piece of knowledge.

“That was an oversight. You could have simply chose to reject my invitation and I would’ve not bothered one bit.” His adversary coldly retorted back.

“And so? What would you have told them then? That—that I disagree with their decisions simply because I dislike sharing my time with you? Do you know how much that stains my fragile reputation within the Academy?” Kaveh replied, emphasizing the consequences of not accepting one of their tasks because of a petty reason.

“Of course, this is not just about me, but you as well, haven’t you realized? They put so much trust in their beloved scribe to be able to finish any tasks they give you. To see you fail in following them because of personal causes would just be contrary to the principles of the greatly knowledgeable Alhaitham, won’t it?” He continued to loudly speak as he tries to hammer his point.

“That is where you are mistaken.” Alhaitham stops Kaveh in his line of thought with a serious look on his face.

Kaveh slowly closes his mouth as he seems surprised at Alhaitham’s reply.

“We’re nearing the end of this task, so I hope that you do not continue this fiasco any further before I answer you. Yes, the implications are correct, indeed there are hundreds of architects here and there that will be much more willing to undertake this along with me. Yet, even with our personal differences, I still stood by their decision. I hope you know the reason why.” Alhaitham answered, hoping to dispel some of Kaveh’s doubts in his mind.

The two continue to gaze at each other, time seemingly slowing down.

“Is there anything else you’d like to say before we continue along? Or are you going to keep bugging me all about it as we go and I leave you to your own devices here?” Alhaitham asks, knowing full well that he’ll only accept one choice only.

Kaveh closes his eyes and sighs.

“Alright, I’ll only speak if it’s related to our task. I have realized that I may have become too insufferable for you to handle. I want to—“

Midway his heartfelt sentiments, he was interrupted by the sounds of footsteps as opens his eyes to an Alhaitham that already continued his walking down the hall.

He winces to himself as he realizes that he was about to apologize to Alhaitham, to him. A thought that makes him sick to his own stomach. How much of a heavy blow to his own ego that would be and how much it would inflate Alhaitham’s.

Quite frankly, he should have known better.

“Argh! Goddamn it! WAIT!” Kaveh shouts at his junior ahead of him after he recollected himself after that thought.

…

Alhaitham continues to walk forward as he allows the torch to illuminate away the dark that has surprisingly not creeped out the man. Not even when he sees a shadow on the walls growing larger, sensing that the whining baby behind has caught up to him.

“You….why did you just leave me there like that?” Kaveh tries to make his words coherent as he struggles from catching his breath as they finally walk together again.

“I did not leave you, what do you mean?” Alhaitham replies, appearing unbothered by Kaveh’s state.

“Yes, you just did! You didn’t even let me know that I closed my eyes for that long. And to leave me in a place like this, in the dark.”

Frustration evident in Kaveh’s tone as he hints that maybe his companion doesn’t seem to care about him one bit.

“Well, I’m still here, aren’t I?” Alhaitham clarifies, taking it seriously and literally.

Yet, something in what he said made Kaveh soften his look. Almost like when someone presents a plushie of a smiling Aranara in front of a stressed student. That kind of tamed look.

“You could have just left me behind. Seeing how much you can’t stand me, you won’t leave me wondering one bit if you decide to do that. For all I know, you may have some other intentions.” Kaveh looked surprised as he realized the words that just rolled out from his tongue.

Alhaitham stops walking as he stares ahead, continuously and slowly switching his gaze towards the upper corners of his eyes.

Kaveh was left speechless after his own accusation. Sure, words as sharp as knives were mutually acceptable between them whenever they see or interact with each other, but they don’t point fingers, they are never as antagonistic like that.

He could only look down the ground while he dusted off the sand that collected around his shoes and pants after running. Feeling embarrassment in front of a person he should not feel because of.

It is true that he had that kind of firecracker at the back of his mind, but he never intended to say that to him. Alhaitham despises him, that was not news to him, but this he will say: The way he expresses his thoughts from their moments together that life has destined and forced them to be in, are as sophisticated as his carefully-crafted arrogant, indifferent, and sometimes lazy of a personality. He never stoops down to a low.

Knowing that his rival is scared of the dark and taking advantage of that by leaving him alone in a place like this is just unlike him, he’s not that unkind.

“I think you’re displaying your lack of understanding here. It would just be stupidly impractical of me to leave you behind as pathetically as that. I must admit, you were a great help in the first stages of our journey here, and I won’t deny the possibility of you repeating that again. Everything you’ve said is correct. But losing you then, or losing you right now.......would greatly affect my mission efficiency.”

Alhaitham admits with a small tender tone of acceptance.

Kaveh carried on as he continued to dust his shoes and pants off without noticing what Alhaitham thought of him.

But that’s from an outward appearance.

Inside, he couldn’t believe the words that he was listening to.

Did he just passively say that he needs me?

“Don’t get your knickers in the twist. We still haven’t finished here, and I’ll correctly predict like I always used to, that this will be the last time that you’ll be remotely useful in my presence.” A small amount of venom were present in those words. Alhaitham looks to his senior with a sharp gaze.

Something seemed to snap in Kaveh’s mind.

He straightened his posture back to normal as he opened his mouth, looking at Alhaitham, words ready to come out of it.

But he remembered what he said to him before.

All that he could force out was a frustrated sigh.

“Alright, enough with this bickering. I’ve heard enough from you about all of it. Let’s just continue and get this over with, yes? We’ve been through a lot this day and I’m exhausted.” Kaveh returned Alhaitham’s attitude during their entire affair, an admittance of defeat.

He was given with a nod in return.

…

They both look ahead of them, seeing the dark hallway that seemed limitless. This has been a long day after all, and it’s ought to be finished now.

“Wait, might I ask as to if we’re near?” The blonde asked.

“We would’ve been there minutes ago had you just not talked until we were there.” Of course, the usual answer.

“Oh, how I’ve longed to hear that again.” And now, the snarky answer.

“I don’t know why you’re putting the blame on me, you’re the one that keeps on blabbing.”

#genshin impact #haikaveh #kavetham #alhaitham #kaveh #multiple chapters

43 notes · View notes

do-you-deserve-this · 2 months

Text

I don't want to hurt myself all the time, just at the moment, I'm not feeling well right now, physically i am okay but mentally, it feels like a war is being waged in my head. That's possibly a problem that only I know, at least that's how it seems to me. Inner insecurity that was triggered by these strangers in my head with whom I share my voice. I'm angry and sad. Actually, I don't really know how i feel anymore. There are too many voices that say something different. I just do what feels right in the moment sometimes that is wrong and I act impulsively or get angry and don't let this go unnoticed. I don't like this ever-lasting war in my head that seems to have no end and only gets worse. It's too much for me, but somehow I can handle it I must

Yes, after all, there is no other choice: go to someone and tell the truth, that wouldn't be an option for me. Show weakness. I can't do that. I've been hurt too often. I just have to do it myself, maybe even make friends with these angry, screaming, pleading, crying and desperate voices in my head, maybe I'll be at peace if I help them through this war that I've been waging internally with myself for so long, but help, no, I don't need that, I don't want that, or maybe I do, but who can i trust that is probably the real question i can't actually trust anyone, I learned that early on. You should only trust yourself but whoever of me the screaming, pleading, crying or angry version I can't trust anyone, not even myself as I just noticed but if all these people are me what or who am i then and what do I actually want to achieve, what do I want, what do I enjoy and what makes me happy?

Ich will mir selbst weh tun nicht immer nur jetzt gerade mir geht es gerade nicht gut physisch schon mental füllt es sich an als würde krieg in meinen Kopf geführt werden das ist womöglich ein Problem das nur ich kenne zumindest kommt es mir so vor dieses gefühl der inneren Unsicherheit das ausgelöst wurde durch diese fremden menschen in meinen kopf mit denen ich meine stimme teile ich bin wütend und traurig eigentlich weiß ich es nicht mehr so genau zu viele Stimmen die was anderes sagen ich tue einfach das was sich in den moment richtig anfühlt manchmal ist das falsch und ich handle impulsiv oder werde wütend und lasse dies nicht unbemerkt bleiben ich mag es nicht diesen ewig anhaltenden krieg in meinen kopf der ohne ein ende dar zu sein scheint und nur noch schlimmer wird es überfordert mich aber irgendwie Pack ich das schon ich muss

Ja schließlich es bleibt ja keine andere Wahl zu jemanden gehen und die Wahrheit sagen das wäre für mich keine Option Schwäche zeigen das kann ich nicht zu oft wurde ich da durch verletzt da muss ich einfach selber durch vielleicht sogar mich anfreunden mit diesen wütenden schreienden kreischenden weinenden verzweifelten stimmen in meinen Kopf vielleicht bin ich dan im Frieden wenn ich ihnen helfe durch diesen Krieg den ich innerlich führe mit mir selbst ja schon so lang aber hilfe nein das brauch ich nicht das will ich nicht oder vielleicht doch aber wenn kann ich vertrauen das ist wohl die frage eigentlich niemanden das habe ich schon früh gelernt sondern nur dir selbst doch wen von mir die schreiend kreischende weinend oder wütende version keinen kann ich vertrauen nicht mall mir selbst wie ich gerade gemerkt habe aber wenn all diese Personen ich sind was oder wer bin dann ich und was will ich eigentlich erreichen was wünsche ich mir was will ich und was macht mich glücklich?

#thoughts #my thoughts #dyslexia #german #english

1 note · View note

hauntedselves · 2 years

Text

a heads up:

tw: alter death, morbid details

every 3-5 years or so, we have a (usually involuntary) change in who is our daily life part [host]. the way it works for us is that the new DLP (always a new part, not a pre-existing one) will kill the old one and take their place. they will be similar enough to be covert, but different enough that they can handle what the old DLP couldnt (in theory at least).

i became the DLP at the end of 2020. it hasnt been as long as usual, but a lot of stuff happened in my personal life and also, yknow, a pandemic, so im going to see out the school year and then we're going to do a change. so sometime around the end of this year I, as a part, am going to die.

all this is to say, i dont know what will happen to this blog. our last DLP had a popular blog that i didnt care about, so its on permanent hiatus. the same might happen to this blog. or the new parts might keep it running, i dont know. either way, there'll be a post if its going to go on hiatus. so this is your ~5 month notice!

[details under the read more if you're interested]

we're going to try a different approach this time. having a single part handle all the responsibilities of daily life, with other parts rarely if ever switching out unless triggered or specifically called for, clearly isn't working. so we're going to form a group, a subsystem i guess, of new parts who will share the daily life responsibilities. it'll increase switching and therefore dissociation, but also functionality. im curious to see how it'll go tbh.

a better word for the new group would be pack, since theyre all going to be canines or canid-like creatures (werewolves, etc). i dont know the specifics and we won't until it happens, but im guessing there'll be between 5 to 10 of them, probably around 8ish. seeing as how ive been practicing being assertive i think theyll be more comfortable with enforcing boundaries. (i want more teeth.)

i formed during a traumatic psychotic episode our old DLP was having and i ended it by killing them. the pack will kill me and eat my remains, which will help them gain the strength to adjust to living and fronting and all that. this may sound grim and morbid but its not, its just the circle of life. things need other things to die so they can live.

i don't know how i know these things... sometimes you just Know Things when it comes to DID (or at least i do lol)...

#dogpost #nbr #blog maintenance #long post #no bold #feel free to ask qs about how this works for us btw #personal #hs' did

15 notes · View notes

badnikbreaker · 1 year

Text

sonic and guilt is an interesting topic for me — partially because in making lots of stuff canon to my sonic i'm combining characterization that is at times pretty at odds. i was thinking about IDW sonic compared to sonic x sonic, specifically in regards to how x sonic handles being the one ( alongside shadow ) to be the one to kill cosmo. sure, tails pulled the trigger, and i'm not trying to deny tails's responsibility here ( and i say 'responsibility' not to blame him, but because it was a difficult choice he made, but it was the right one, and he deserves to have the strength that took acknowledged ) — but sonic was the bullet that ended her life.

and he knows the weight of that. he's noticeably withdrawn following her death, a little like he was after shadow's in sa2. he stands there, stone - faced but somehow without being hard, and lets tails yell and hit him. he knows the weight of what he's done — and he loved cosmo, she's as close as he's ever come to really losing part of the family he's built, and he killed her he knows how much that means. he's grieving her. but at the same time, i don't think he's guilty. and i don't think it's just because he wasn't the one who pulled the trigger, or because it 'had to be done.' i couldn't even really articulate the particularities. he's grieving her, but he doesn't blame himself, and he doesn't blame tails. he doesn't really blame anyone. the metarex, sure. but sometimes bad shit just happens, just has to be done.

but then i imagine sticking IDW sonic in this scenario and he would just crack like glass. like, can you imagine? he kills someone he loves, somebody his baby brother is in love with ( or, at least, the eight year old version of 'in love with' ). bro would turn into a fine mist, and prime sonic would not fair better.

and my sonic was younger when cosmo died, and he's older now, so some of it can be put aside to time and character development; he's more traumatized and fucked up now! my sonic genuinely has...he's not a control freak in any meaningful sense, but he ( subconsciously ) is seeking control in more ways now, especially post the war, than he was before — and one common show of a desperation for control is guilt that isn't earned. 'it had to have been my fault, because that at least means i had control over it. if it just happened and i had no hand in it, that's scarier because it means it's totally out of my control.' he's not nearly to the level of, say, amy — but it's there, and i think that accounts for some of the difference. bad coping mechanisms, y'know. and the metal virus obviously exacerbates that sort of thing, because he doesn't feel guilty at the start of it — not until people around him start saying he should. ( granted, even without shadow and espio and the others, he would have been pretty guilty by the end. but it would have taken longer to get there. )

but i don't think time is all of it? obviously from a meta perspective it's sonic being written by different people with different characters in mind for the hog, but. i dunno. i wanna reconcile it all! i don't think he's someone who's innately prone to guilt. he wants everyone to be okay and he wants to save everyone and usually does, but innately he's not haunted when it doesn't work out that way as long as he did his best. and he always does! it took a lot of trauma to get him to the point where he's fucked up about surge and kit the way he is.

it's neat! i don't have a real point to this post im just thinkin. love this dude

#sonic : headcanon.#tagging this because there is good characterization stuff in here

4 notes · View notes

merscylilith · 2 years

Text

TOKREV Manga spoiler

Ch.262 ⚠️

Masterlist

Before we start , Takeomi just suspiciously, never been mentioned or no appearance at all. It would be understandable if he really didnt wanted to do with any of deliquent world anymore, but it just hurt if he in silencely beside with Mikey , because Takeomi seems adore how Mikey handle the business, and in which chapter i forgot, but the olace definitely in Brahman's headquarter and Takeomi's gaze really,sus. Let's think positive, the only reason Takeomi didnt involved in any battle between KMG and Toman this time, he might doesnt want worsen the relationship between his sibling, and it was a good decision for him, and Sanzu better not touched his tip katana on Takeomi

Not gonna lie, when i saw Chifuyu, it always reminds me of Draken. Chifuyu literally the glimpse of Draken, who's always protect the captain no matter what.

Wait, there's 4 type of reaction.

Bored, Anger, Rage and Passion ^^

But Hanma is the most relatable one if we heard our enemy says something annoying.

How deep you wanted Haru ? T^T

I really love Haru, and that's make me think i should go to theraphy, for cheerjng everything he does.

The thread of possible activate of Mikey's Dark Impulse was definitely from the dark emotion that cant control. So, the assumption of number 2 from my post yesterday was right. The reason of Mikey's dark impulse activate because his ego of being invisble Mikey got scratch when he heard the spirit of his opponents come to alive.

His dark emotion like, anger and sadness. I have noticed Mikey, never have any emotion other than, anger, happy and sad.

The difference between Sanzu and Mitsuya. If Mikey didnt time leaping, Mikey surely fallen into darkness with no one stay with him. Mikey have no friend at all. Baji ? Other Toman founder ? Im sorry, they are might be a friend but i was referring to real friend that will put up with Mikey's attitude, Draken is a good example of his real friend. But to think Draken have Mitsuya, Baji have Kazutora, Pah-chin and Peh-yan. And Sanzu indeed know how to triggered Mikey's dark impulse and he's ready to have something else after this.

S, there are no one stay with him at the very end. Draken die in when he being in a gang when he shouldnt have to, but he did, in order to save Mikey and Im glad Takemichi willingly sacrificed himself to save Mikey, to prove Mikey that he deserved love and good future.

He smile ?!?!?! Crazy man. Im just thinking that Sanzu being enjoy when he felt the pain as if the violence Mikey hold to show the appreciation for him. Oh wait, Sanzu smile when he saw Mikey's dark imoulse in this battle, reminds me of Mikey asked him smile when he ripped of Sanzu's side mouth ( giving scars ).

The explaination of Mikey's dark impulse definitely had something to do with Sanzu.

Everyone...passout ? Now, what's Mikey ? Who's gonna step up front. To think that Senju not this scenes where Mikey beat her, maybe she would step toward Mikey ? As she wanted to settle down the misunderstood from their childhood, i guess ???

Ok, i have nothing much discussion about this released since i have been make a lot post for this chapter.

And bonus :

Im dying to know what the contains of this book. Might be their friendship.

Im sleep but i earger to play game right now.

masterlist

#tokyo revengers #kantou manji gang #tokrev #tokyo manji gang #tokyo revengers spoilers #tokyo revengers theories #mikey sano #sanzu haruchiyo #hanma shuuji #takemichi hangaki

13 notes · View notes

mammonprotectionsquad · 2 years

Note

its alright, i totally get it 😂

YEAH IKR?? omg... not the way that—

omg omg okay wow i got hit with THOUGHTS

he absolutely is willing to try pretty much anything that he knows makes you happy — what if his MC listened to/watched ASMR to help her relax/go to sleep. and he sees this one day (early on, i'd imagine), asks about it, and ofc listens wholeheartedly as the MC explains (probably a bit nervous about telling him lol). and he's just like "huh interesting — im glad you have something to help u destress" and all

and then later down the line, somehow MC is prompted to tell him that his voice is really soothing (maybe even mentioning back when ray either sang that lullaby or did the pat thing, whatever that MC had requested), and half-jokingly says that if he did asmr, she would be set for life lmao

"Like, even if we didn't know each other like this, and you had a normal life all this time, and I came across your channel? i'd watch and rewatch you till the end of time" XD

potential bonus: "I don't even watch male asmrists but you'd be an absolute exception"

lololol i feel like saeran would be so damn flattered and caught off guard — and he gets an idea, but doesnt mention it to her

and from there, he'd be doing so much research (out of his MC's sight), reading articles and watching various videos of all the different types, from youtubers of different sizes/popularity... and he'd check which ones his MC is subbed to, and spend extra time studying those — and he'd pay extra close attention in everyday situations to any indications or mentions of what sounds his MC can't handle or doesnt like, and the ones she seems to like or be okay with (i imagine the former would be easier to identify lmao)

next thing she knows, like a few weeks later, saeran comes to her and is like "...so, i did a thing—"

...anyways my brain ran wild there sjdvajsgjab

honestly — if he did something like that for me? I'd so freaking flustered before even playing the video or audio omg (*ﾉ▽ﾉ)

shvdjsjs MY FRIEND DOES THAT TO ME IN FRENCH— im not completely fluent yet so its a bit of a different story, shes more just pushing my abilities (which i appreciate) but omg xDD she goes off in french and im sitting there with my slow brain — and then she like sees my lost face and teasingly shakes her head with a disappointed look 💀💀

[417]

OH MY GOD I LOVE EVERYTHING ABOUT THAT! YES PLS!!! And I mean, it's not like he's a stranger to tech stuff. Sure it would be something new but I'm pretty, sure he'd figure out quickly how to set up the microphone, how to sound proof the area he records in (probably with blankets and what not) which settings are best for what sounds, which microphones would be best for the triggers the mc enjoys most... Holy shit that's a big brain rot now 😂

At least your friend does it on purpose. My mom doesn't notice until I ask her to tell me again in a language I'll actually understand more than 3 words in xD

But then there were also instances this summer where I caught her completely off guard xDD

As a little background story: in our village there's a market once a week. And when we went there, we got caught in the rain and got completely soaked. But for some reason my mom was more soaked than me when we made it home. So she jokingly told her bf (who only speaks Greek) that I must've evaded the raindrops. I just stared at her and went "stop talking shit about me! I didn't evade anything!"

My mom just stood there like "🧍🏼‍♀️ how tf did you understand all of that?!" 😂

#becky rambles #[417]

5 notes · View notes

jamesbuchananxsteviegrant · 3 years

Text

I Pick the TV Show, Rogers Shuts His Cake-Hole | Bucky x Steve x Reader (Angst, Fluff)

Category: Angst, Fluff (Suggested) Age: 14+ Trigger Warnings: none, other than the standard explicit language Ship: Bucky x Steve x Reader Summary: Steve Snaps At Reader When He’s Stressed, Resulting In Her Being Very Upset Request: "can u write where steve/bucky is overwhelmed with something and when reader asks to help or is telling them to relax they snap at reader and reader is hurt which makes them feel really bad afterwards. thank you sm. i love ur writings. and this is anon right? is it alright if u dont post my response if its not anon? im sorry. thank you so much. ur blog always pictures great stucky imagines. 💗💗💗" Contains Spoilers for: N/A Word Count: 2,488

---

A given, the super-soldier had been on nonstop missions for the last month or so, but she thought she was helping him feel better, not making him feel worse.

“Would you like anything to eat, Stevie? You’ve barely moved all day.” (Y/N)’s voice is small. Quiet.

She’s leaning through the door of his study where he’s sat putting together his mission reports from the last three or four missions he’s been out on.

He shakes his head but doesn’t even turn to look at her.

Sighing, the woman walks further into the room where her boyfriend is slouched over the desk.

“You gotta take a break, Stevie.” She whispers, resting her hands on his shoulders.

She notices the way they tense up, but he still remains silent.

His fingers continue to write up his report on the laptop.

“I’m worried about you, Stevie; talk to me.”

“I’m busy, (Y/N).”

“I know you are, baby, but you’ve gotta look after yourself too.” She attempts, leaning down to press a kiss to his cheek. He pulls away.

The woman furrows her brows.

“Steve, please, you’ve got to-”

“(Y/N), just stop!”

The shout is sudden and it makes her flinch back away from the man as he turns to face her.

“I’m fine, alright?! I don’t need you babying me all the time!”

She doesn’t respond for a second, surprised at her lover’s outburst.

He says nothing more, simply turns back to the laptop and continues typing away.

“Steve, look how stressed you are. Can you please just-”

“STOP! Okay?! Just stop! Leave me the fuck alone while I finish these neverending mission reports. For once in your life can you just understand that not everything is about you?!”

(Y/N) swears that being shot in the heart wouldn’t hurt half as much as the words that just came out of the man’s mouth.

Her mouth opens and closes as if searching for the right words to say, but that hurt.

Is she really that bad? Is that the truth behind all of this? That she’s clingy? Thinks everything is about her? That was never her intention. (Y/N) is well aware of how important being an Avenger is. Hell, she is an Avenger, for Christ’s sakes.

She says nothing more and leaves the room.

She can’t even decide if she feels sad. No. She’s not sad, she’s not angry, she’s not… anything.

Numb.

Naturally, her feet lead her to their room. Steve’s room. They all basically share the super soldier’s abode since they all got together, but right now she doesn’t dare open the door.

Doing a full one-eighty spin, (Y/N) takes herself back to a place she barely touches anymore. Her room.

It’s pretty empty. Most of her clothes are in Steve’s room, in her own walk-in wardrobe. Her bed is perfectly made from the last time she slept in here - maybe a year ago?

The woman walks around her bed and straight onto her bedroom balcony, overlooking the lake at the back of the compound, and stays there. For three-hours. Until Bucky comes looking for her.

He came home from his mission about thirty-minutes ago only to find their shared room of Steve’s empty. He searched just about everywhere, completely clueless.

“FRIDAY, where’s (Y/N) and Steve?” He finally gives in.

“Captain Rogers is in study five, and Agent (L/N) is in her private quarters.”

Now that makes the brunet furrow his brows.

Why would (Y/N) be in her room and not his or Steve’s?

He prioritises finding (Y/N) first, knowing Steve will be writing up mission reports, no doubt.

Despite them being together for over six-years now, he hesitates when reaching for the handle of her bedroom door. Instead, the man opts to knock.

No answer.

“(Y/N)?” Nothing. “Doll, it’s me; can I come in?” Nothing.

Bucky tries the door handle and finds it unlocked, yet still hesitates.

“Baby?” He calls out. Again, nothing.

He’s cautious now. Scared.

Her room looks as untouched as the last time he saw it, which was a few months back when she was after one of her plushies.

“(Y/N)?”

It’s when he feels the chill of the midnight winds ruffle his hair that he realises her balcony doors aren’t fully closed.

Striding straight over, his eyes widen at the sight of his girlfriend curled up in the corner of the outdoor area, crying.

“(Y/N), baby, hey, what’s wrong?!”

Bucky immediately drops to his knees in front of the woman, reaching for her hands and gently tugging them away from her tear-stained face.

“(Y/N), doll, look at me.” His voice is gentle. Soothing.

She does almost instantly but her sadness stays.

“What happened, baby? Are you hurt?”

The fear and sincerity in his voice is enough to prompt the woman to shake her head. Yes, she’s hurting emotionally, but he needs confirmation that she’s not dying.

The woman immediately sees the relief take over his features, but he’s still concerned.

“What’s wrong, doll?”

Her eyes stray away from his, not wanting to tell him what’s got her so upset.

“Hey, no, look at me, baby,” He whispers, hand lightly grasping at her chin to raise her face back up to his. “What’s got you so worked up, (Y/N)?”

Another shake of her head as she tries to escape her lover’s hold.

“Baby, please, you’re scaring me.”

Her face contorts into something close to heartbreak as she wants nothing more than to reassure the man in front of her.

“It’s okay, Buck.”

“It’s not okay! Doll, I haven’t seen you cry since Stevie nearly died on that mission in Ohio like two-years-ago! Talk to me.”

She takes a deep breath and wipes her face of the shedding tears.

“Do you want me to get Stevie?”

The question is innocent and makes sense, but her eyes widen and she shakes her head desperately.

“No! No, please, no.”

That truly makes the super soldier concerned.

“Doll, please can you tell me what’s happened?”

Never in the last eight-years that Bucky and (Y/N) have known each other has she been so reluctant to see Steve.

Another sob escapes her and it’s breaking his heart.

“Baby, please.”

“Steve got mad at me, alright?!” She manages an attempted shout. “I just wanted him to look after himself.”

“What happened? What did Steve do?”

He’s concerned. Massively.

“I was trying to get him to eat; he hasn’t eaten properly in so long. He’s so overworked and he’s hung up on all these mission reports. He told me that not everything was about me - shouted at me; told me to stop.” She’s whimpering and sniffling again now. “Please get him to eat something, James.”

That last sentence is the one that crushes him. She’s upset, yeah, but above all that, she’s still worried about the blond super soldier.

“Come on, baby, let’s go to our room and get into bed, yeah? I’ll go and speak to Stevie.”

Her eyes meet his and she looks scared, but the ocean blue gaze that he returns makes her bound to his every command.

The woman nods.

“Okay.”

“That’s my girl.”

With the help of the Winter Soldier, (Y/N) manages to stand up, letting him lead her out of her private room and into their shared one of Steve’s.

“Here, let’s get you into your PJs, yeah?”

He doesn’t leave room for negotiation as he helps his girlfriend strip out of her casual dress and into one of his oversized t-shirts.

“You get snuggled up in bed, doll. I’m going to go and get Stevie, okay?”

He hates how she looks nervous at the mention of their other lover’s name.

“He loves you more than words can describe, baby girl, I promise you. He shouldn’t have lashed out at you, I’m gonna talk to him, okay?”

A hesitant nod and forced smile is enough for now.

“I’ll be back shortly, I promise.” He leans over and gives the woman a kiss on the lips, leaving her with one of her favourite shows playing on the TV.

“Bucky,” Her choked up voice calls out just before he leaves.

The man turns from his place in the doorway.

“I love you.”

The smile that takes over his expression is contagious.

“I love you too, baby girl. More than anything.”

Despite his reassurance to the woman, he’s pretty damn pissed for a number of reasons about Steve losing his cool with their girl. Reason number one being, how dare he? Reason number two being, he knows better than to overwork, yet here we are.

Bucky doesn’t even knock once he approaches the glass doors of the study where Steve is sat typing away on the laptop.

The blond doesn’t even glance up to see who entered. He barely heard the door open which enrages Bucky further.

The brunet slams the lid of the laptop shut without saying a word, prompting Steve’s head to shoot up, glaring daggers at whoever has interrupted him.

“What the fuck, James?!”

That makes Bucky really get annoyed.

“Are you serious right now, Rogers?”

“I’m in the middle of about seven different mission reports, Buck, I’ve gotta finish them.” The man sighs, going to open the lid of the PC once more, only for Bucky to hold it down. “James, seriously,”

“No. What you need to do is explain to me why our girlfriend has been crying for the last God-knows how many hours?”

That makes Steve snap back to reality.

“What? (Y/N) has been crying? Is she okay?”

Bucky literally rolls his eyes at that.

“Are you fucking serious, Steve?” He repeats, Steve looking confused, expression contorting as he realises that his boyfriend is seriously angry at him.

“Bucky, what’s wrong? What’s happened?”

The Winter Soldier’s head lolls back as he groans in frustration.

“You seriously have no idea?” He asks, rhetorically, watching Steve look almost scared. “Do you often shout at your girlfriend and forget it happened?”

Cap’s eyes widen at that, and he visibly gulps.

“What?”

“She came in here to make sure you were looking after yourself, which you weren’t, by the way, and you tell her that not everything is about her?! Are you fucking stupid, Steve?!”

He remembers it all too well in that moment, turning his head down to avoid the frustrated glare of his male lover.

“No. No, you don’t get to look away from me. Look at me.” Bucky demands, watching the blond super soldier reluctantly do so. “I come home from my own exhausting mission, search for (Y/N) for thirty-minutes, and find her crying her God-damn heart out on the balcony of HER room; not our room, Steve, no. Her room.”

Steve’s heart shatters and his eyes widen once more.

(Y/N) hates staying in her room. She’d always be in his or Bucky’s without a doubt.

“I- Buck-”

Bucky shakes his head and stands back upright as Steve is lost for words.

“I’m not mad at you, Steve. I get it, you know? You’ve been overworking for the last month, I know you’re stressed, but fuck, baby, you can’t hurt her like that. Do you know how much my heart fucking shattered when I saw her curled up in the corner of her own God-damn balcony?! It tore me apart. She hasn’t cried since you nearly fuckin-” Bucky chokes on his own word as he walks away from his lover.

“I’m sorry! Buck, I’m sorry, okay? I shouldn’t have let Fury send me on that many missions, I- I should’ve said no. I’m sorry.” Steve attempts, standing up and following the brunet, turning him around to face him once more.

“It’s not me you need to be apologising to, Stevie.”

Captain America nods and leans up to press a kiss to the man’s lips.

“I’m sorry, James.”

Bucky takes a deep breath and forces a smile.

“I forgive you. Of course I forgive you, I know you didn’t mean it, but I swear to God, if you hurt her again…”

Steve is already shaking his head.

“I wouldn’t dream of either of you getting hurt. Where is she?”

“Our room.”

He nods and begins heading toward the woman to which he owes more than he can give.

The door is half ajar when Steve gets there, he slowly opens it to reveal his girlfriend in all her glory, curled up under their Captain America themed duvet - which Sam bought the trio as a joke last Christmas. Her face is clear-as-day red from her earlier upset, and it breaks his heart.

The man knocks gently on the day as if not to startle the poor girl.

“Hey, sweetheart.” He offers a solemn smile when she turns to see who’s there.

He hates the way he can see her hesitation to speak to him as opposed to her usual squeal of his name, arms opening wide to welcome him into her cuddle-fest.

“Hi.” She manages, forcing her own smile.

There’s silence floating between them, the only sound being Jensen Ackles, in his role of Dean Winchester, talking a load of nonsense about pie on the TV that’s streaming Supernatural.

“Baby, I’m so sorry.” Steve manages, taking a step toward the bed. “Nothing can excuse the way I yelled at you, and I’m so sorry for that, but, sweetheart, trust me when I say I didn’t mean it. I was so stupidly stressed, and I should never have let it get to that point.”

She nods, truly believing his words, but it still hurt.

The blond sits down on the edge of the bed, not daring to cuddle his girlfriend until she’s comfortable.

“I love you so much, (Y/N) (L/N).”

A bigger smile taints her lips at that.

“I love you too, Steven.” Her voice is barely a whisper but he hears it clear as day.

“Can I hold you?”

(Y/N) smiles and shakes her head as if he was being silly.

“You never need to ask permission for that, Stevie. No matter what.”

With another sad smile, he pulls the woman into his arms and holds her tighter than ever before.

“I’m so sorry, my love.”

“I forgive you, but no more missions for a while.” She whispers.

“Yes, boss.”

Bucky’s leaning against the doorframe, watching the interaction. He took a detour to Tony’s office and made sure to give the billionaire a piece of his mind about making sure Fury didn’t have Steve on any missions for a long time.

“Is this the last episode?” The brunet speaks up, stripping himself of his clothes as he enters their room properly.

“Yeah.” (Y/N) nods.

“I still think we should watch Vampire Diaries instead.” Steve chuckles, mirroring Bucky’s actions.

“I pick the TV show, Rogers shuts his cake-hole.” (Y/N) teases, mocking a line from Supernatural and snuggling herself in the middle of the bed, sandwiched between the two super soldiers - where she belongs. “I love you both.”

“Love you too, sweetheart.”

“Love you always, doll.”

TAGS

Stucky x Reader Only Tag List: polarbearnamedpanda | @marvelous-glims

SFW Only Tag List: @piper-koko-barnes-rogers

1K notes · View notes

vinyleee · 3 years

Text

Kisaki (25) x Reader (18+)

tw: death, guns, blood

☆*:.｡. o

you held your breath as you stood between the two burly men that escorted you in the cramped elevator. the light was dim, even so it produced a glare against the scuffed metal. flashes of vibrant lights shown in the windows from the city, green and purple scattered against the thin surface of your red dress. he had requested you wear it tonight, for it was ‘a special occasion’

“damn how much longer is this lift going to take,” one of the guards grunted out looking at the key panel as he fiddled with his gun. he traced the tip of his index finger over the sights, as if preparing himself to aim at someone.

“heh, might take a half hour more for all we know… boss ordered us to take her all the way to the penthouse so it’s not like we can just get off on the next floor.” The other guard replied rolling his shoulders back, fixing his posture.

you released your breath and looked at the guard to your right, still fixed on his gun. you studied the features of his face as he lifted the gun up to look through the sights.

“hmm what’s wrong miss.. heh.. do you want to play?” he chortled when he noticed you staring. ‘here, don’t be shy.’

he placed one large hand on the small of your back, causing you to shiver. “don’t worry im friendly…”he grinned when you put a hand out to stop him from getting to close. he saw it as an opening, he placed the pistol he had been studying in your hand.

the weight of the gun shocked you, but it felt… almost comfortable. as you wrapped your fingers around the handle the gripping rubbed against your skin. it felt natural to you.

you twisted your wrist left and right to see the different angles of the pistol. nothing was rather interesting about the pistol except for a few tally marks, you guess to mark how many victims it had killed.

“hey now what are you doing giving that to her?”the other man bit out as you raised the gun up to see yourself just what the other guard found so enticing about the gun.

“oh come on were just having fun! right little lady?”,the one who handed you the gun chuckled.

you ignored him and looked up to the ceiling, your eyes moving across the space between the dying fluorescent lights. trying to spot a camera or a microphone somewhere you stood up on the tips of your toes and traced your fingers directly above you were standing. there was a slight convex in the metal that you skimmed the tips of your fingers over.

he was watching.

you felt reassured as you brought your hand back down to your side. “here, Ive had enough fun.” you sigh handing the man his gun back.

“oh silly you.. I’m not,” he put the gun back in its holster and placed his hands on your waist. he brought you into his chest and put his nose to the top of your head, breathing in your scent.

“ugh as soon as I take over this place and kill boss, you’re gonna be mine baby…”he said tracing one hand up your exposed back, from the opening of the dress.

“what are you saying?” the other guard said as he pried his partners hands off you. “you’ve lost it haven’t you? do you know who he is? he isn’t just some wanna be gangster… he’s kisaki.”

‘kisaki.’ the word rang through your ears, and left a warmth in your cheeks as if he had just caressed your face. kisaki, your kisaki.

you relaxed instantly at the sound of his name. ‘ah let him do as he pleases.’ you raise a hand up stopping the guards from a fight that neither of them would come back from.

just then the elevator chimes. “for fucks sake about time.”

you let out an exasperated sigh as you stepped out of the elevator. behind you the two men silently cursed at each other as the followed after you.

“stay by my side”, the guard set on stealing your heart said lightly wrapping his arm around your shoulders and pulling out his gun once more, except this time ready to pull the trigger on anyone who threatened your safety.

the other, more collected, guard walked a few steps in front of you with his gun trained in front of him. he looked down the turns and twists of the hallways that lead to different rooms of kisakis building. he kept his back close to the wall and stuck out his gun first then his head peaked out ever so slightly around the corner.

at the end of the hall you could make out shadows of men pacing back in forth through a crack in the door. suddenly the air around you felt static, why would kisaki call you to his penthouse and have two… very unqualified guards escort you.

your head started to throb as you searched for an answer. each scenario you played out in your head led to someone dying. that was the best case. you didn’t want to think of worse ones, so you stopped to take a deep breath.

‘nothing is going to happen’ you reassured yourself. kisaki would protect you. there was nothing to fear.

as you neared the door to kisakis pent house you heard someone murmur a few distasteful things about you.

“why do you keep that bitch around, she does nothing but distract you boss. your priorities aren’t straight anymore…”

“hmm so that’s how you truly feel,” you heard kisaki laugh.

as you approached the door you pictured the expression kisaki was making as kisaki laughed. his face was probably flushed with excitement, and his eyes were probably just as piercing as ever.

you felt your breath hitch as you thought of his eyes. the way they could make you fear for your life in an instant, turned you on.

closing your eyes yet again, you imagined kisaki restraining your hands above your head and staring you down with those eyes. you imagined him pressing his knee into your dripping pussy and forcing you against the wall.

“ehem”, the guard who had been swatting through turns of each hallway cleared his throat, trying to get your attention.

“hm what is it”, you turned around to face him after he whisked you away from your fantasy.

“we should go inside now before kisaki gets upset that we took so long…” the corners of his eyes squinted as he winced, imagining what would happen to him if he didn’t follow kisakis orders.

“ok then, shall we?” you straighten your shoulders and fix your hair before gently pushing the thick double doors open.

“boss I just think you should…never mind, if you’ll excuse me.” the man who spoke ill of you muttered stepping to the right to avoid coming into contact with the opening doors.

as the doors swung open and the two guards walked into the penthouse you took in as much of the room as possible.

the entire penthouse was made up of windows. lights from the city flooded in making the use of no lights seem rather understandable. kisaki leaned against a mahogany desk directly across from you. his arms folded over his pinstripe vest, his sleeves rolled up exposing the veins from his hands to his forearms. the purple and green lights that had danced across your dress in the elevator now illuminated kisakis figure.

“no,” kisaki gritted through his teeth at the man who wanted so desperately to leave after bad mouthing you. “you stay, and you my darling come here” he raised one finger up and curled it back, beckoning you.

you let out a shaky breath as you stepped forward, your hands bunching up pieces of the red dress he had requested.

“ah why so nervous sweetheart?” kisaki mocked taking long steps toward you, “you look perfect in that dress I ordered for you. as I knew you would.”

“thank you…” you said in a hushed voice, avoiding his eyes.

in a half of a second his hand was on your jaw, pulling your face towards his, “look at me when you speak to me, bitch”

you let out a surprised whimper at his sudden aggressiveness, your face flushed with heat. your head started to spin with anticipation. kisakis lips were inching closer to yours. his breath warm against your mouth.

he licked his lips and smiled as he pulled away, “ah ah ah, not just yet sweetheart we have some business to take care of.”

you shook your head and turned around to see the expressions of the ‘business’. you had known what was going to happen. you turned back around to face kisaki yet again.

he was now sitting on the desk with his legs spread and a mocking smile plastered on his face, “won’t you come sit” he patted his leg.

as you approached him you heart raced, his touch would turn you into a thoughtless animal searching for the pleasure that only he could deliver.

“good girl”, he murmured into your ear, nibbling on it a bit, when you placed yourself into his lap.

you wrapped an arm over his shoulders and placed your other hand on his chest. you ran your hands over the cloth of his vest, eventually you tugged on his tie a bit, begging him silently.

he slid his perfect hands around your waist and pulled you in closer to him. the scent of sage and liquor wafted into your nose as you put your face in the crook of his neck. he was so intoxicating.

“mmm you’re just so impatient tonight hmm” he said tracing a hand up your thigh and under you dress slipping two fingers into your panties.

“boss.” one of the guards whispered, “can we leave?”he rocked back and forth on his heels uncomfortably waiting for a response.

kisaki brought his eyes up to the men and sighed, “cant you see im busy, now be patient and wait for your orders until then.. keep your mouths shut.”

you let out a breath as he turned his attention back to you, biting your collarbone. “ah fuck,” he breathed into your neck. “i just can’t wait to be inside you.” he lifted his head and grinned at you.

you bit your lip as he placed two fingers against your dripping cunt. he rubbed soft, gentle circles into your pussy. your body twitched under his touch, your head felt light and you could feel the heat starting to rise up.

he slid his other hand from your waist directly up to the small of your back while pushing two fingers inside you. he chuckled as he felt you wrap around him in excitement. “oh you want me so bad don’t you slut?” he pushed his fingers deeper inside you. “say it and maybe I’ll give you what you want so bad”

“kisaki I want you… I want you so bad, please.” you whined out gripping his tie tightly.

“aren’t you ashamed, begging for me to fuck you in front of three strangers? mm not so lady like of you.” he said, abruptly pulling his fingers out of you and licking them.

“my apologies gentleman we should get back to business.” he lifted you off of him and placed you on the desk as he stood up. he took his time walking around to reach into a drawer, in which he pulled out a glock.

“kisaki…what’re you doing?” you asked trying to collect yourself after kisaki toyed with you.

“ah don’t worry princess just look at me, ok?” he stepped beside you grabbing your hand and training the gun to the man who had come onto you in the elevator.

“you shouldn’t have underestimated me, I have eyes and ears everywhere. I know what you did to her. offering a women a gun, have you no sense?” kisaki smiled pulling the trigger before the guard could answer in his defense.

you kept your eyes on kisaki even when you heard the guards body thump as he hit the floor. even when you knew the pool of blood that seeped from his corpse would spread out to the furniture. even still, you’re eyes never looked away from kisaki.

you squeezed your legs together when you saw kisakis smile grow and his eyes squint. the light shining in through the windows made him stand out against the darkness of the room. on your own face the light scattered onto you as well.

“now who’s next? hmm?” he chuckled moving his gun back and forth between the last two men. “you, the one bad mouthing my property, and questioning my priorities. you really are so stupid.” again he pulled the trigger. and still you kept your eyes on him. you felt heat rising up in your chest as you watched his smile grow with every person he killed.

“ah, the last man standing.” kisaki released your hand and stood up. he walked over to the last person he was yet to kill in the room. “you did well today, you followed my orders thoroughly. you can leave now. oh but one more thing, call someone to clean this mess up.” he used his gun to point at the bodies sprawled on the floor.

“y-yes sir” the last man stammered out before speeding out the door.

“finally” kisaki raised his arms up as he turns around to face you. “youve been such a good girl you deserve a reward.”

he came back to the desk where you sat cross legged waiting for him to give you the pleasure he denied you before. putting a finger out he removed a strand of hair from your eyes and put it behind your ear.

“do you know how many people I’ve ordered to kill for me? hmm you don’t think I wouldn’t kill for you? after all the things they did to you? stripping you of your clothes with their eyes. you’re mine, and I’ll kill anyone who doesn’t fucking agree. all mine princess, now I think it’s time for you to show me your appreciation. on your knees slut.”

your mouth watered as you slid down to the floor. kisaki rubbed his cock through his pants waiting for you to do as he ordered. unbuttoning his pants you moved one hand up under his shirt to feel more of him. “im getting impatient,” he whispered gripping some of your hair and pushing your face down onto his cock.

you licked circles around his tip and up his shaft, causing him to grunt and pull your hair roughly. you brought your hands up to stroke him as you sucked.

the air was filled with the sound of slurping and choking. you felt him deep in your throat, making you want more.

you’re head bobbed up and down as you picked up speed sucking and licking all around his cock. “ah fuck, just like that” he groaned out throwing his head back with pleasure. your hands came down to your pussy to touch yourself as you pleasured him. the more of a reaction you got from him the worse you needed him.

he pulled you by your hair taking your mouth of off his cock. “did I give you permission to touch yourself?” he leaned down grinning in your face.

“n-no but…” you stammered trying to find the words to say in your fuzzy head.

“then take your hands away from yourself and keep sucking you slut.” he thrusted his cock into your mouth as you brought your hands back up.

you moaned as his dick slid deeper down your throat, you did your best to lick and suck but your movements were getting sluggish from the pleasure.

“cmon,” he whined out thrusting into your mouth, “you can go a little longer. isn’t this what you wanted bitch? or would you rather be riding me right now?”

you looked up at him through watery eyes trying to beg him to give you the pleasure you needed so badly.

he pulled out of your mouth and picked you up laying you down on the table.

“youve done enough, good job princess.” he sighed kissing you lips gently before climbing on top of you. his face hung inches away from yours as he smiled, “since you were so impatient earlier I’ll give you what you want, but I cant promise I’ll be nice.”

he slid the dress of off you from your shoulders, following that he ripped off your panties and bra. he spread open your legs and licked circles around your nipples as he thrust into you.

you moaned out his name in surprise, he wasn’t going to go easy on you. you gripped the sides of the desk as he continuously thrust into your dripping pussy.

suddenly he stopped, taking off his glasses and shoving his tongue down your throat. “you’re insides feel so fucking good” he breathed as your tongues met. he sucked and bit your lip when you released the kiss for a breath, a string of saliva attached your mouths.

“ah ah ah, you don’t get any breaks.” he laughed breathlessly while groping your titties. you let out small whimpers as he slowly started to thrust into you again.

his breathing became erratic and his hands came up to your thighs as he came to his climax. “so fucking close, princess” your insides twitched around him as you neared yours as well.

you felt him twitch inside you as he came, “ah fuck” he whined out, moaning your name.

your hands came up to his face as he thrusted into you slowly, his movements becoming more sluggish. his face was flushed and wet with sweat. the slowness and sweetness of his movements felt even better then when he was going fast.

“ah kisaki…” you released onto his cock as you gripped his tie. he shoved his tongue down your throat yet again not allowing you a break from the pleasure.

“you can hold on a little longer cant you doll.” his warm breath breezed over your face as your eyes teared up once more.

“y-yeah” you gasped trying to catch your breath.

he shoved himself deeper inside you causing your back to arch and you to moan out his name. “god that’s what I wanted to hear, your pretty little voice… now I won’t stop till I have you screaming out my name.”

he placed a hand on your cheek and smiled devilishly, hearing you moan out so desperately gave him his motivation to go rough back.

your mind was flooded with pleasure as kisaki railed into you on the desk. by the end of the night all you knew was the sound of skin clapping against skin and the squelching noises of your fluids mixing with his. all you felt was kisaki inside you, so deep you could feel him in your guts.

you watched his desperate expression as he made you cum over and over again, the smile that stretched across his face every time you moaned out his name and begged him to make you cum. all you wanted was the taste of his mouth in yours. you wanted to feel his tongue in your mouth like two dancers performing a waltz.

you came over and over again to kisaki until you had nothing left. “kisaki… ah… please stop.. I cant cum anymore.”

“oh baby i know you have more in you.” he grinned as he slammed into you faster and whined as the pleasure was getting to be too much for him too.

“ah.. kisaki.. I’m gonna…” before you could get it out kisaki started sucking on your titties as he slowed down the pace.

“i thought you had nothing left.” he laughed when he felt you twitching around him again.

“i didn’t ” you whimpered, hands coming up to his back tugging on the fabric of his vest he didn’t have time to take off.

your body twitched under him as you held onto him, the pleasure wouldnt stop. slowly he pulled his sopping cock out of your twitching pussy and started leaving love bites all over you.

“ahh it still feels…” Kisaki shushed you before you could continue

“just relax,” he said combing his fingers through your hair and sitting you up. “I went to far im sorry. I… I just wanted you to know I’d do anything, for you.”

you relaxed into his arms and closed your eyes. you knew, even if he didn’t kill those men for you, and even if he didn’t pleasure you past your limit. you knew.

“thank you kisaki…”

authors note: this was my first serious ff so im sorry if it ended weird.. I honestly didn’t know what to do. I hoped you enjoyed it either way (^_−)−☆

#fanfic #kisaki x reader #kisaki tetta #overstimmed #tokyo revengers #x reader

127 notes · View notes

oddaodd · 3 years

Text

· Maimed ·

Summary: Tommy finds out Y/n had to resort to prostitution while he was away at war and doesn't handle it well.

Author’s note: This was requested by the lovely @idgaf2022 and I just gotta say I fell in love with this request and Im very happy with how it turned out . As always, I wish you all the loveliest of days. ❤️

Warnings: mentions of prostitution, war and an accident with a knife.

“When where you going to tell me?” Came his voice void of all emotion. His eyes piercing through her skin.

“Tell you what?” She smiled. Her mind refusing to believe she knew what he was talking about.

“I was at The Garrison today” he began There was a man, a man I had never seen before. He spun such yarns about you ” he paused and took a look at Y/n’s face. Her smile long gone. She knew what he was talking about.

“At first I though he must be stupid to come up with such stories about my wife in my pub, but then when nobody believed him, he mentioned the scar you have under your ribs” he spoke pointing at the place where she evidently had a scar.

“Tommy… I..I” But she couldn’t find the words, they were all held back by the knot in her throat.

The war had been hell. Everyone had lived through it differently. Tommy and his brothers and many other men had had to go and fight and Y/n and Polly and Ada and many other women had had to stay behind and run the country while the men were gone. They were dark times abundant with need and scarceness. Y/n had tried her best to keep her and tommy’s baby daughter, Josephine away from need and hunger. Having just gotten married and had their baby, Y/n had her hands tied. She tried to help Polly as much as she could at the shop but sometimes there just wasn’t enough money which lead Y/n to charging fro her company to the men who didn’t serve. All for Jo’s sake.

When Tommy came back she never mentioned it, ready to put it behind her and every night she prayed for Tommy to never find out. All her customers had been from outside of Birmingham after all.

“Did you seriously think I’d never find out?”

“No” she began, taking his hands in her shaky ones she wanted to, but she knew she couldn’t hide it forever. “No, but I just… I just didn’t know If I wanted you to know. I felt so ashamed and I didn’t want to bring it up when I knew I would never have to do it again. Things were hard when you left …”

“ It must have been such a sacrifice” he muttered bitterly and snatched his hands away from hers.

“How dare you?” she spat “You have no idea of how hard it was when you were away, the money from the shop just wasn’t enough!”

“Oh I bet” he said sarcastically “You’ve never liked sleeping alone.”

“Thomas...” she warned dumbfounded on the verge of tears. She couldn’t believe her own husband was making her feel like shit.

But he ignored her tone and her hurt features “Needed someone to keep your bed warm while I was away” he spat mercilessly “Or maybe you just missed the feeling of someone between your legs”

At his venomous words Y/n saw her own hand moving in slow motion before it crashed against Tommy’s cheek. She couldn’t handle him to keep talking like that, digging up a past she tried so hard to burry deep down. Her lips parted at her own actions.

When Tommy’s unchanging face fixed upon her again he noticed the tears that had so vehemently threatened to spill had finally succeed in doing so. Triggering a feeling of deep guilt deep within his soul.

“Fuck you” she spoke in a maimed voice. Tommy prepared himself for more verbal retaliation from her, but she left the room without another word and a few minutes later he heard the engine of a car shortly followed by the sound of tires moving on the gravel.

It was only then when Tommy realized he had maybe taken it too far. He wasn’t acting out of hatred. When he heard the bloke talking about how well Y/N felt snd bragging about having fucked Thomas Shelby’s wife, he felt his anger rise to levels he hadn’t known till before that unfaithful night. The man, obviously was dead before Tommy began heading home.

Nasty emotions had been festering in his mind with every kilometer he drove and when he saw Y/n when he arrived home, it all exploded.He was angry, not necessarily at Y/n, but angry at what she had done, angry at himself. He hated that he couldn’t have avoided what lead to Y/n having to do what she had done.

Y/n avoided her husband to her best efforts for the following week. Polly took her and her daughter in when she knocked crying on her door. Y/n couldn’t shake the nasty feelings Thomas had awoken within her. She couldn’t stand more than an hour without breaking into tears and her heart broke every time her little Jo looked at her with worried eyes, ignorant of what she was going through. It wasn’t something a 7 year old should know about.

Polly understood Y/n’s pain and helped her take care of Jo when she couldn’t find the strength to get out of bed.

“Your mummy’s tired. Let’s let her rest”

She had been there with her all along and when Y/n had asked her to keep her secret all those years ago, Polly obliged without question. She knew her nephew wouldn’t comprehend.

Days went by slow, heavy and cold. One Friday evening, pol had taken Jo to the movies giving Y/n a little time for herself.

Oddly enough, she felt like cooking so she made her way downstairs and began making vegetable soup. After half an hour or so she heard the front door opening.

“Was the film good?” She asked loudly hoping to hear the sound of Jo’s voice, but when she heard the footsteps coming closer to the kitchen she immediately identified them as Tommy’s

“Please go away” she asked in such a broken voice that made Tommy contemplate on going away to not cause her further discomfort, but he stayed because he knew he had to make it right.

“We should talk” he said in an uncertain voice standing at a respectable distance from his wife.

“I don’t want to talk” she spoke shakily. Goosebumps suddenly taking over her body.

“I’m so sorry Y/n, I..”

“You made me feel like dirt” she stated as she heard his footsteps drawing nearer to her with his uncharacteristic apology.

“I spent so much time forcing myself to be alright with what I had to do keep Jo and I alive and then to try and forget all about it when you came back” a heavy breath holding back her years as she began chopping a carrot.

“But now you brought it back up and I... I feel so filthy, I’ve showered three times today and I don’t feel any better.” She continued as the first tears rolled down her cheeks.

“Y/n “He began softly placing a testing hand on her waist. She shook it away.

“Look at me” he pleaded

But Y/n shook her head no. Knowing he was in no place to reproach, he respected her unwillingness to look at him and spoke.

“Im so sorry, Y/n. I was selfish and didn’t stop to think about what you were feeling”

Y/n’s body continued to shake with silent sobs

“I now know I was in no place to judge what you had to do to survive and I won’t ever forgive myself for making you hurt like this”

“Yeah you were in no place” y/n spat with sudden anger as she continued cutting the vegetables with tears in her eyes “Not when you didn’t even stop to ask me and decided to just listen to the part of the story some bloke told you and not...” she hadn’t noticed the force she was putting into her cutting skills until the knife grazed her finger.

She yanked her hand away from the cutting board with a wince and immediately went to grab a piece of cloth to wrap her finger in.

“Fuck, y/n” Tommy said coming to her side when he heard her wince. “Are you alright?”

She shook her head no and he knew she wasn’t answering about the cut.

“Please look at me” he tried again and to his surprise this time Y/n did tilt her face to face him.

The sight of her bloodshot eyes tore cracks in Tommy’s heart. And his hands shook a little when he cupped her face, a few tears threatening to spill from his eyes.

“I love you Y/n” he professed looking into her eyes.”I’m so sorry I was so crass about it. And I promise you’ll never have to do that ever again. I’ll keep you safe”

At his words Y/n’s hands went to his. She understood and accepted his repentance, but it did little to soften the pain she felt. Tommys hands then went to tuck a few strands of her loose hair behind her ear his eyes still set on hers.

Y/n then succumbed to the sudden need she felt for his touch and embraced him with uncertain arms. Tommy corresponded instantly wrapping his own arms around her fragile figure. After a few moments of silence and much needed touch, he asked to her ear if she could ever forgive him.

“Yes” she spoke weakly but she wasn’t entirely certain she meant it. She wanted to forgive him but she didn’t know if she could ever forget his hateful words. Tommy knew it well enough.

@captivatedbycillianmurphy @nyotamalfoy @peakyxtommy @writeroutoftime @lilymurphy03

#tommy shelby imagine #tommy shelby x reader #tommy shelby oneshot #tommy shelby request #tommy shelby angst #thomas shelby imagine #thomas shelby x reader #thomas shelby request #thomas shelby angst #peaky blinders imagine #peaky blinders x reader #peaky blinders one shot #peaky blinders request #peaky blinders angst

514 notes · View notes

theambitiouswoman · 3 years

Note

If you’re okay with sharing, have you ever had toxic behaviors or tendencies and then healed from them through therapy/inner work/etc.? What is your perspective or approach on self-forgiveness?

Yes. Okay so i'm going to ramble a bit on this topic because i am going to give a genuine response and really word vomit my thoughts as i go.

Even as an adult, i know i'm not perfect. i try to be, but obviously everyone has different lifestyles and view points so your actions, no matter how genuine or well intended they may be, might be perceived differently by people. I am the type of person who always apologizes when i do something wrong, always have been. however, i don't always notice when i do something wrong because i can be absent minded at times with 80 things going on in my head, or they are things that wouldn't affect me, so unless you spell it out for me, i really wont pick up on it. im crazy big on communication now. and i provide a very delayed reaction to things that affect me emotionally. i stop for a second, take a step back and really process the situation. because things are more than just how they make us feel. we are entitled to our feelings, yes. feel your feelings. but how we react is a different story. because a lot of times you'll find that situation as a whole is shitty, or the other person has a different view point, or that you're on the losing end of it. once you understand a situation you can forgive yourself, react better, cry about it etc but it removes the factor of a toxic reaction on your part.

i think a lot of my toxic tendencies have always had alot to do with how naive i am- have always been. i remember growing up, since i wasn't exposed to much, there were a lot of situations i wasn't mentally or emotionally ready to put myself in. as a result i reacted or responded the wrong way. a lot of it comes from literally me not understanding and just reacting off my emotions really. none the less, when you're young you can get away with that but as an adult it gets trickier.

i think what got me to learn about my toxic behavior and deciding to make a change was really getting screwed over and hurt over and over again.

for most of my life, i was NOT a good communicator. i blame it on the aries in me. i would say like 3 words and to me inside i felt like i had confessed my soul but people would look at me as if i said nothing. and i dont think people ever got that from me. to be honest i always and still am misunderstood. largely in part because i let people argue with themselves, the truth always comes out.

i was also such a people pleaser and a doormat. people used to take so much advantage of me. and i wanted them to like me lol so i let it happen. and when they screwed me over, i didn't know how to communicate it so i would blow up or handle things in a matter that would automatically make me the bad guy. i would not know how to stand up for myself at all. i would freak out and get nervous. sometimes, i didnt even realise things till months later. i know that's hard to believe lol but its the truth.

i had friends do very grimy things to me, and when they came back around i would forgive them, but i didn't realize back then that i am not the type of person to forgive and forget. i wouldn't address the issue either. so my actions and behavior were totally fucked up.

at some point, after having the same experiences over and over, i held myself accountable. i forgave myself for not knowing what i didnt know. cause really thats all you can do. ive lived long enough where ive seen every single person whos been in my life, great and horrible come back. no matter the situation. life is funny that way. the universe will always continue to expose you to the same situations over and over until you learn your lesson.

a big healer for me, was doing regressive therapy and understanding my triggers and how i got myself to be the person who put myself in certain situations. that was life changing for me. and this is something that is very hard for people to understand and admit to themselves. bad things happen, people do bad things to us and they're the bad guys. yes. absolutely. but why did we put ourselves in that situation? our patterns of behavior stem from layers of experiences and reactions that are mostly learned from in our childhood. did i deserve to go through x things that made me become a certain way and respond to situations and people a certain way? absolutely not. but unless we go down to the root of our behavior, then we cant evolve from being the person who does those things.

ive been through hell and back. literal hell. and i haven't always been the best person to every one based on it. but it was always my responsibility to hold myself accountable, acknowledge my actions, and forgive myself. that's how you grow.

44 notes · View notes

starglow-xx · 3 years

Text

owning a bakery and being discovered by the ada and the port mafia (part 3)

platonic! yosano akiko x f! reader

type of writing: head canons !!

this is part of my head canon series, flour & fluff !!

tag list is open !! go to this google form and fill it out to sign up!

series synopsis: owning a bakery at 20 is tough; even more so when you have to handle members of two opposing organizations! this is your journey to meeting those fools and creating an unlikely bond with each of them. but only at the cost of your peace and sanity.

fandom: bungou stray dogs

content: fluff & platonic stuff but trigger warning!! there may be a sensitive topic for others

*getting grabbed and pulled to an alleyway! alcohol mentioned!*

please remember that yokohama isn’t the friendliest place, especially at night.

previous: part 2 : their beloved president

author’s note: same ages as last time!! (so that means everyone is one year younger than canon; that makes yosano 24)

this one is actually pretty long :0

i got info abt her likes on her wiki page (careful! there’s spoilers!)

and yosano is a queen and no one can tell me otherwise

the doctor is in the house (quite literally)

going grocery shopping was an okay chore in your opinion

it honestly depended on your mood or whatever kind of shit happens when you go shopping

cause like something always, always happens whenever you go do groceries

sometimes it’s good, sometimes it’s bad, and sometimes it’s just plain weird

one time some weirdo proposed to you in the middle of the store asking for a double suicide

he was good looking you’d admit but it’s not like you’d ever see him again

or so you thought

a n y w a y s

every so often, you’d run out of real person food in your apartment

you mostly survive off all of the leftover bakery treats and ingredients—which works out pretty well actually—but bakery supplies unfortunately also run out quite often

and also unfortunately, one time when both fukuzawa & ranpo took a visit to Sakura’s, fukuzawa argued that “no you can’t live off sweets for the rest of your life”

ranpo was scandalized and scrambled to cover your ears

you guys were at it for a while

in the end you sided with fukuzawa causing ranpo to go off about “betrayal from the people he cared most abt” or smth like that

you guys were okay again after bribing him with sweets :)

for bakery supplies you usually have them delivered bc you order them in large quantities bc ahaha no way were you gonna carry like 15-20 50 pound bags of flour no way

when days like those happen, you close up the bakery early so you aren’t walking home when it’s too dark

you scheduled it to happen every first saturday of the month

on those saturdays, you close at 5 instead of at 8

currently, you were at the grocery store looking for basic cooking ingredients such as proteins, vegetables, fruits, and most importantly, snacks

ranpo’s been rubbing off on you

the sun was starting to set and you were walking home with your two bags of groceries when shit went down

tbh you were kinda expecting it cause your grocery run was peaceful for once

but what you weren’t expecting was a wack-a-do to appear out of goddamn nowhere right when you were opening the side door to get to the staircase up to your apartment

like honestly

let a woman do her own thing

the man who grabbed you tried to covered your mouth so you couldn’t scream but you didn’t exactly make it easy for him

you kicked and thrashed around even using the grocery bags—that were somehow still in your hand—as a weapon and the man struggled but he was still bigger than you and was able to bring you to a nearby alley

he reeked of alcohol and you spotted a wedding band on his left hand

not that you cared about the detail in the moment

you kicked him in the groin and in response he let you go only to fall on broken glass that was in the alley way

using the wall to help yourself up, you grabbed a nearby wooden stick and struck him right on his back

your attacker fell and you immediately turned on your heels to escape only to fall back down on the hard cold ground once again

you lift your face up and look back to see the man holding onto your ankle

grabbing a shard of glass—cutting yourself in the process— you begin to swing it at him only for him to easily grip your wrist and stop you

you get ready try and kick him in the groin again but you’re interrupted as your attacker gets sucker punched and flies to wall

you look up to see your savior and you’re blessed to see a beautiful woman, probably not that much older than you are—she’s probably around ranpo’s age— donning a white long sleeve button up, a matching black necktie, knee length skirt, and gloves, along with tights, red heels, and a pretty butterfly clip in her short black hair

but what you really notice is her eyes

ranpo’s eyes were pretty but you like hers just a bit more

you’ve always liked the color magenta

the pretty lady holds out her hand and you take it graciously and thank her as she helps you up

as that’s happening, your attacker gets himself onto his feet and his groan catches both of your attention

he struggles to stand and the pretty lady simples saunters over to him and delivers an uppercut knocking him out cold

you’re stunned and you breathe out a “thank you” making her turn towards you

she notices the condition you’re in

bleeding scrapes on your hands, arms and legs, small rips in your clothes like your tights, blouse, and skirt, and the ruffled state of your hair and clothing

she asks if you live nearby and you tell her that you own the bakery that’s one or two buildings away

when you tell her that, it clicks in her mind that you must be the bakery girl ranpo’s been talking about and the friend fukuzawa was cat sitting for

it’s been abt two weeks since ranpo and fukuzawa first met you and since then, they’ve seen lucky in the office plenty and the boxes of your signature sweets even more

if those two trust you, she has no reason not to

she smiles at you, holds out her hand for you to shake, and introduces herself as the doctor of the armed detective agency

your eyes widen and you smile back at her shaking her hand

“ah! you must be yosano-sensei then! ranpo-san and fukuzawa-san have talked about you! it’s so nice to meet you! im (l/n) (y/n)!”

“they’ve talked about you too, it’s a pleasure to finally meet you (y/n)”

after that exchange she insisted on bringing you home to treat you wounds which you told her it wasn’t necessary

she gave you a pointed look and that was when you realized what state you were in

you sighed and weakly gave in to which she only grinned at

before leaving the alley she walks over to the unconscious man and pulls out his wallet for some sort of identification and home address as you try to see if there’s any groceries still salvageable

after texting the details to kunikida, yosano turns to you poking around the now ruined grocery bags

she simply rubs your back and tells you that the both of you could go buy more groceries together as she was meaning to get some anyways; she even said she’ll pay for you

you refused obviously but she, unknowingly, used the same tactic fukuzawa used with you

“so you’re saying you don’t need groceries?”

“...”

*cue an eyebrow raise from our resident queen*

“...you agency members don’t like making things easy for me huh.”

you gave in reluctantly and at this point you don’t even know why you try negotiating with them

and that’s only three of them

apparently, she was on the other side of the street on the way to buy groceries for the agency when she noticed different produce items on the other sidewalk leading to the alley and she went to check out what happened

ironically, the way to the grocery store from the agency makes you go past Sakura’s but she didn’t realize it until after the two of you had met

before you know it, the two of you are in your apartment kitchen as she cleans and patches up all of your wounds

as she does so the two of you have a little girl talk

you find it quite comforting bc since you opened up Sakura’s you haven’t really had the chance to connect to many people much less other women

you definitely see yosano as your cool, loving, badass older sister

she thinks you’re adorable and agrees with ranpo’s opinion

yup

that’s right

the opinion that you’re like a little kid </3

you called it a betrayal and all she did was laugh at you <//3

“awhh that’s really cool yosano-sensei!—MFPH?!?”

*squishing your cheeks the same way ranpo did* “ranpo-san was right (n/n)-chan, your cheeks are squishy!”

“?!”

after that small fiasco, the two of you talked some more and bonded over your love for flowers, japanese sweets, and much more!!

you even made a date to have a girls day to go shopping and eat out!

you’re internally squealing a bit bc it’s been a while since you’ve gone shopping

yosano notices and she giggles behind her hand not saying anything bc she knows you’ll only throw a fit

the two of you came around the topic of ranpo when lucky passed by

lucky quickly warmed up to the doctor and cozied up in her lap

“i wish ranpo-san was able to meet lucky when he came by the first time, but then again, he’d probably throw a tantrum if i don’t pay attention to him for 5 seconds”

she snorted at that and like fukuzawa, she shared stories abt the slightly older male

“ranpo-san doesn’t know how to ride a train?”

“unbelievable right?”

“for someone so intelligent i expected more from him”

“i’ll be telling that to ranpo-san, (n/n)-chan”

“wha—?! yosano-sensei please don’t!”

like ranpo, she’s also a tease </3

but you love her anyway <3

eventually, she finished patching you up and promised to treat you to a new set of clothes when the two of you go out

“you don’t need to lose a good set of clothes just because of a sleazy man (n/n)-chan! you deserve better!”

you were going to argue that the rips in your clothes were fairly small and could easily be fixed—except the tights—but you stopped in your tracks when you remembered that it was practically useless to argue against an ada member

the two of you walked to the grocery store and bought both of your needed supplies—along with some extra goodies—and then she walked you back to your place bc it was already a bit dark out

but even if it wasn’t, she would walk you anyways

besides, if anything happened to you, she’s 1000% positive that ranpo and fukuzawa are gonna flip the fuck out not that she wont cause she most definitely will

speaking of which

you were drinking a bottle of water as the two of made your way back to Sakura’s when all of a sudden

“(y/n) you do realize that i have to tell shachou and ranpo-san about what happened today right?”

you choked on your water

“yosano-sensei you can’t! if you do they’ll freak! they won’t leave me alone for at least two weeks! one if im lucky!”

“exactly the point”

you just accepted your defeat already knowing that you’d lose

but maybe you can simmer down their anger towards the bastard with sweets and lucky

you arrived at Sakura’s shortly after and after bringing groceries in, you packaged a bunch of pastries leftover from today—bc you closed early—and bc you’re well aware that ranpo doesn’t share any of the sweets you send him with

you even gave yosano her own special box filled with goodies she loves, and a thermos of fukuzawa’s favorite, your special hot honey lemon tea

other than the sweets, you prepared lucky to spend the night at fukuzawa’s

you really really hoped that doing these things would make them calm down

you shivered at the thought of what their responses would be

you felt really bad for giving yosano all these things to carry and that you were keeping her very late

she assured you that she was fine and that if someone tried to mess with her she’d kick their ass

and after exchanging numbers, the magenta eyed queen bid you a good night and walked back to the agency with lucky walking by her heels

arriving back at the agency, yosano was greeted with some concerns asking if she was alright bc she came back from her grocery run pretty late

(she usually goes in the mornings but today was pretty busy so she left in the late afternoon but now it was already dark)

she waved off the concerns and plopped a couple boxes of your signature bakery boxes at ranpo’s desk, the one for her at her own, the last few boxes in the kitchen for any other agent or clerk to grab, placed the thermos on the desk fukuzawa was by, and picked up lucky and handed him to the president

the two males were pleased with what yosano had brought them, and pleased that another agency member had the chance to meet you

fukuzawa was rubbing lucky and ranpo already snacking on treats as yosano expected

but here comes the hard part

or maybe it’s gonna amusing who knows

“i met (y/n) today.”

“we could tell.”

in goes another treat in the green eyed man’s mouth

“would you like to know how?”

“you bumped into each other, had girl talk, made plans to go out, went grocery shopping, and you brought me and shachou presents.”

“great job ranpo-san, you’re almost completely correct.”

this caught the attention of basically everyone bc they knew ranpo was never “almost completely correct”

“we ended up meeting bc she got attacked on her way home from grocery shopping, i treated her wounds, then we had girl talk and did all the other stuff”

ranpo and fukuzawa froze right in their tracks

“i sent all the info of the bastard to kunikida”

“kunikida.”

“yes shachou”

“find out everything about that man and bring it to me and ranpo”

“...yes shachou”

“and yosano”

“yes?”

“text (y/n) and tell her that her cat, tea, and pastries aren’t going to work as a bribe”

just as you finished taking a shower you sneezed

<<previous // next >>

to join the tag list, please fill out this google form i made!! please fill it out even if you are already in the tag list! it’ll make things easier for me to keep track of you :)

taglist: @hanniejji @timeless-tales46 @realitycanbeajerk (i didn’t know if you wanted to be in the tag list or not but i tried anyway :)

italicized means it wouldn’t let me tag you

302 notes · View notes

reidandweep · 4 years

Text

Dinosaurs and Sharks

Spencer Reid x Reader (female)

A/N- Im going to be doing a couple of imagines on some subjects that I relate to specifically. This is the first one, so I hope you enjoy. Also I made up a lot of the American stuff. So sorry if it isn’t accurate as I am from Britain.

Word Count- 4567 words

Warning- Fluff, Angst, mentions of anxiety and panic attacks.

‘Anxiety is a thin stream of fear trickling through the mind. If encouraged, it cuts a channel into which all other thoughts are drained.’ - Arthur Somers Roche.

Everyone remembers their first. First kiss. First love. First heartbreak. First time they watched their favourite film or read their favourite book. One first is always clearer than the rest. Every detail so vivid in a person’s mind. For Y/N, it was her first panic attack.

She remembered the feeling of not being able to breath as her lungs constricted around nothing. The gasping for air as her hands began to shake. She was alone and did not know what was happening. Y/N thought she was dying. That this is what death felt like. It took her approximately 38 minutes to calm down her breathing; her face a canvas of dried tears and her hands aching from their clenched position.

As life continued, Y/N found that these moments would happen often. Anything could trigger a panic attack. She had them over miniscule things like using the wrong coloured pen for her notes. But also, over dramatic events in her life, like being employed at the BAU.

It had always been her aspiration to work for the FBI. Y/N would not let anything get in her way of achieving what she had worked so hard for. Choosing not to disclose information about her anxiety to the team, Y/N had successfully kept her anxiety under control at work. Stepping out when she felt overwhelmed, doing her set routine to help slow down her breathing and her heart rate. No anxiety or panic attacks had occurred at work. Until one late Thursday evening, whilst trying to solve a case, it seemed like there was no way out of the oncoming wave that was about to crash over her.

YN sat at her desk, re-reading over the case for what felt like the hundredth time. They had been in Atlanta, Georgia for three days with no luck. Two more lives had been lost, and if they didn’t work fast enough, another would soon be too.

Y/N was alone in the office in which the team had been situated into for the time being. She had volunteered to look over the victimology once more as Rossi and JJ spoke to the families of the two newest victims, and Emily and Morgan went to the second crime scene as Hotch and Spencer surveyed the third.

Cracking her back as she stretched from her crouched position, Y/N looked at the clock on the wall. The team would be back soon, and she could not see anything new. She had to keep looking. As she delved deeper and deeper into the words before her, her eyes glanced between the pages of the file and the clock, Y/N felt the creeping tension in her chest.

“I haven’t got the time for this.”

Y/N banged her fist on the desk as her chest got increasingly tighter. Looking down at her fist, she saw that it was shaking.

As her other hand moved to her chest, Y/N stood up from her chair and paced across the room.

“Not now. Anytime but now!”

Y/N tried to take deep breathes to ease the panic that she felt. She couldn’t help but to glance at the clock. She couldn’t risk the team seeing her like this. Grabbing the file, Y/N dashed out of the room, looking for somewhere where she could calm herself down.

Seeing an open door ahead, Y/N looked inside the room to survey its contents. Noticing no one inside, she quickly shut the door behind her, dropping the file on the table as she continued to pace the room.

“Breathe, Y/N. Breathe.”

She tried. Y/N tried so hard to regulate her breathes but her chest continued to rise and fall at an increasing rate.

The feeling was overwhelming. She hated that she could never control it. No matter how much she tried. The exercises never worked. Her therapist’s advice was useless. She would have to stay in the room until she calmed down; however long it took.

Sliding down against the wall, Y/N threaded her shaking hands through her hair, pulling on the strands as tears flooded from her eyes. Her cries were quiet, but to her they sounded so loud that they echoed in her mind.

As the team walked back into the precinct, they discussed the evidence in which they found from each scene and interview conducted.

“Both parents of the most recent victims state that their daughters did not know each other. They were all from different areas and attended separate universities.”

Emily nodded at Rossi as they continued to walk towards their allocated room.

“The crime scenes both showed signs of a struggle and personal items were missing from both the bedrooms. This time it was a pompom and a baton.”

The team took in Hotch’s words. Emily walked to the door; hand situated over the door handle.

“Were the girls on any cheerleading teams?”

JJ shook her head at Morgan’s question.

“Well let’s just hope that Y/N’s found something that we’ve missed.”

As the door opened, the team looked in confusion to see Y/N nowhere in sight.

“Maybe she went to get a drink. We were gone for a while.”

The team headed into the room, situating themselves across the threshold as they continued to discuss the new evidence. Spencer lingered at the door.

Something felt off. Spencer noticed that Y/N file was nowhere in sight and that her phone was left on the table. She was never without her phone.

“Guys, I’ll be back in a second. I’m just going to go to the bathroom.”

The team all acknowledged Spencer’s words in their own way; too engrossed in the case to notice Spencer’s perplexed look.

Spencer walked down the hall as he thought of where Y/N could be. As he turned the corner, Spencer immediately noticed the picture on the floor; in the middle of the empty hallway. Walking towards the picture, Spencer crouched down to survey its contents. He recognised it as a piece from the victimology report.

Looking down the corridor, he saw multiple more pictures on the ground. Spencer continued to follow their path, picking them up as he passed each one. He soon came to an end when no more pictures were strewn on the carpet.

Beginning to worry, Spencer wondered where Y/N could be. Just as he was about to head back to tell the team, a muffled sound could be heard.

Spencer stared at the door in front of him. It was labelled ‘Interrogation Room 4’. Spencer knew that no one had been brought in for interrogation so far, therefore, the room should be vacant.

Carefully, Spencer moved his hand to grasp the door handle. Opening the door, Spencer quietly walked inside. As he shut the door behind him, Spencer instantly recognised Y/N on the other side of the glass.

His heart broke at the sight of her. Unable to stand by for even a second, Spencer opened the door adjoining the hidden area to the interrogation room.

Y/N jumped from the sound of the opening door. Looking in the direction of the noise, her breathing elevated as she saw who had opened it.

She could not bear for anyone to see her in this way. The team had seen her as anything but strong. She had never cried on a case. Or thrown up or fainted at the sights they had seen. She was able to control the overwhelming feeling that enveloped her until she was alone.

“Y/N…”

“S-Spen-ce, ple-a-ase le-le-leave.”

Y/N struggled to speak as she gasped for air. Her throat dried from her cries and her face wet from the constant tears.

For a miniscule of a second, Spencer contemplates doing as she asked; until he truly looks at her. He had noticed signs of Y/N being anxious in the past, but he had written it down as nerves from being new to the team. He would have never guessed anxiety disorder or panic attacks due to her confidence and lack of breakdowns on the field. They had all cried or walked away from bodies during their first few months; even Hotch had. All except Y/N. Spencer moved to stand in front of Y/N. Crouching down, he reached for her hands in her hair.

Y/N couldn’t help the confusion that showed on her face as she allowed Spencer to grab her hands from her hair and hold them in his own grasp. Spencer hated touching hands. He hated germs. In her short time at the BAU, her hands had never touched his once.

Spencer locked his gaze with Y/N as he began to speak.

“Y/N, is It okay if I help?”

Y/N slowly nodded her head at his question. He had already seen her hyperventilating. She may as well take his help.

Spencer stroked the back of her hands with his thumbs.

“First, can you look at five things in the room and describe them for me?”

Y/N’s hand shook in Spencer’s as her eyes darted around the room as she tried to focus on five objects. There weren’t enough things in the room. Spencer noticed her increasing distress.

Squeezing her hands, Spencer pulled her focus back to him.

“it’s alright. Let’s try this instead. Describe five things about me. Anything you want.”

Y/N’s eyes travelled across Spencer. First, she locked onto his hair.

“Your hair is short-er-er than it was la-las-st week. You’ve had it cut. I Li-ik-ike it.”

Spencer blushed at her compliment; nodding his head at her to continue.

Y/N could already feel her breathing relax. Her hands still shaking as the sweat on her brow and neck continued to cool her burning skin.

“You’re wearing your favour-our-rite tie. You always wear it on days th-th-at you want to be better. You’ve worn it twice since we’ve be-ee-en here.”

Spencer was shocked at how observant she was with him. Of course, she was observant, she was a profiler, but he never thought it would be in his direction.

“You have one purple sock with dinosaurs on and one blue sock with sharks on. Purples my favourite colour and sharks are my favourite animal too, how weird.”

Spencer noticed that Y/N know longer stumbled over her words, her breathing was evening out and she even smiled when she looked at his socks.

“My favourite colour is purple too. I prefer Saurapods specifically in reference to dinosaurs. Sauropods evolved to walk on four legs and typically grew to enormous sizes. They were herbivores and consisted of dinosaurs such as…”

“Brontosaurus, Brachiosaurus, and Diplodocus.”

Spencer was finding out more and more about Y/N in this single moment than he had in her whole time with the team so far. He determined it down to her walls being lowered due to her panic attack.

“Yeah. That’s exactly what I was going to say.”

Y/N couldn’t help a smile grow on her face from the look that Spencer was giving her. Her hands began to shake less as she held his gaze. Unconsciously, matching her breathes to his deeper ones. She was calming down without even realising.

“Two more things.”

Y/N licked her lips; ridding the dryness as she scanned Spencer to describe another detail.

Spencer tried to ignore the gesture, but he could now feel his own hands begin to sweat in her grasp. He shook his head. He was helping her. He had to focus.

“You look like you can play piano. You have the hands for it. They’re large and smooth. A lot bigger than my little hands.”

Spencer chuckled at her words.

“I actually don’t play piano. I wanted to join the band in high school, but I was already picked on for being so young, I didn’t want them to have something else to use against me.”

Y/N squeezed Spencer’s hand.

“I wasn’t in band, but I was the school mascot throughout high school. I got teased relentlessly for it because of what our mascot was.”

“What was it?”

“A pig.”

Spencer looked at Y/N perplexed. Y/N rolled her eyes at his obliviousness. “The boys on the football team would often make fun of my weight. It crippled me for some years, especially because I had to travel with the cheerleaders, who were a lot skinnier than me. I had to be there at all their competitions to show school spirit. Our school would even give me things to help amp up the crowd.”

Spencer grasped Y/N’s hands tighter.

“Like pomspoms?

“Yeah, and megaphones. When the band played, they gave me a baton to twirl and throw in the air.”

Y/N saw the look on Spencer’s face. She knew instantly why he looked so shocked.

“We found items missing from the two newest victims’ rooms. One was a pompom and the other a baton?”

“Did the baton have a specific symbol on the stick?”

Spencer nodded his head.

“The parent’s said it was blue and white with a manatee on the bottom.”

Y/N rushed to her feet pulling Spencer up with her. Dragging him out the door, Spencer ran to keep in toe with Y/N as she explained to him her thoughts.

The team looked on stunned as Y/N and Spencer came bursting through the door; their hands interlocked, and Y/N’s face adorned with tracks of dried tears.

Before they could question what was going on, Y/N began to talk.

“All three of the victims were mascots for their university teams.”

Morgan shook his head.

“The parent’s said that none of their children were part of the cheer team.”

Y/N began to wave her arms as she spoke, unaware of her hand still grasped in Spencer’s as it moved alongside her own as she spoke.

“Being a mascot does not connect you solely to the cheerleading squad. You represent all teams at the school; basketball, baseball, soccer, football etc. Every year, the mascots go with the teams to their state events. It’s like a sports decathlon kind of event where each universities sports team face other universities. Even the mascots compete against one another’s.”

Hotch looked at Y/N inquisitively.

“And how do we know our victims attended this event?”

Y/N looked towards Spencer to answer.

Spencer cleared his throat as he was aware of the flickering gazes between Y/N and Spencer’s interlocked hands and Y/N tear stained face.

“The items taken from the girls’ bedrooms are all ritual items for the Spirit Games. It’s a superstition that if these items are not in the holder’s possession during the games, that they cannot win. Y/N recognised the logo on the baton. The manatee belongs to the State College of Florida. They have been an exception into the games, even though they didn’t qualify the past few years. That was the stick taken out of Alison Cable’s room. Alison attended University of Colorado; whose mascot is Milo the Lynx. Alison would only have the baton with her team mascot on; unless she took another teams.”

Rossi faced Y/N.

“What are the other items that are need for the ritual?”

“So, there’s the baton for band, pompom for cheer, captains arm band for soccer, mouthguard from the quarterback for football, and sweatband from point guard for basketball. If one is taken, then it’s considered bad luck for all the teams of that university.”

JJ turned towards Hotch.

“The pompom that Melissa Druid’s mother described was dark blue. Melissa attended the University of Georgia. Their colour is red.”

Prentiss agreed.

Hotch looked at Y/N.

“Are you positive about this?”

Y/N began to doubt herself. Worrying that she might have overthought it all. Her breathing picked up once again until Spencer squeezed her hand. With his empty hand, he pointed at his hair, then fiddled with his tie, then pulled up his trouser leg to show his unmatched socks. He was helping Y/N stay grounded.

Y/N looked at Spencer in wonder; all she could think at that moment was how special Spencer Reid truly was. Closing her eyes, she took a deep breath in and out, calming herself down.

As she opened her eyes, she locked them onto Hotch’s.

“Without a shadow of a doubt.”

Hotch nodded his head in approval.

“Morgan and Prentiss, I need you to go back to the first victims’ home. Re-assess the room and ask if either a mouth guard, sweatband, or arm band has gone missing. Question the parents about the Spirit Games. Rossi and JJ, I need you to look into the alumni on the board of the Spirit Games. Get Garcia to do checks on all potential members who had gone to the State College of Florida; correlate it to our profile. Reid, you’re coming with me. We’re going to the State College of Florida. Y/N may I have a brief word?”

Y/N looked towards Spencer. She knew that Hotch would want to speak to her. There was no way he would ignore her bursting into the room, not only holding onto Spencer for dear life, but also looking as dishevelled as she did.

Letting go of Spencer’s hand, she turned to follow Hotch out of the door. As they stood in the hallway, Y/N couldn’t stay quiet with the anxiety pushing her thoughts out of her mouth.

“Hotch, I know it doesn’t look the best, but I promise that Spencer and I were not fraternising.”

She couldn’t handle the blank stare that Hotch aimed towards her, so she continued to talk.

“When I got the position on the team, I made sure my anxiety was under control. I went to therapy. I learnt techniques and I took steps away when I felt overwhelmed. I made sure not to overwork myself. It was going fine. But this case made it feel like we were getting nowhere. I didn’t want you all coming back to find out I had found nothing new. I began to get anxious and I fled the room before you came in. Spencer found me in one of the interrogation rooms. He helped calm me down from my panic attack. I promise you, that’s all that happened. I will keep it under control.”

Hotch waited for Y/N to finish talking, allowing her to take some breathes.

“We all have things we want to keep to ourselves from the team. Privacy is hard to have in this line of work. I didn’t tell anyone about Hailey and I separating until months after. But something like anxiety needs to be told. We can help you Y/N, you’ve seen that yourself today.”

Y/N nodded her head.

“Coping with anxiety and panic attacks do not make you inept to be a part of this team. Each one of us deal with something that make us believe that were a hinderance. But it’s not and it will never be. So, I know it’s hard, but stop worrying about how the team view you. Your part of the family now and if that means having to take a step away or flagging someone over to help calm a panic attack then by all means do it. But I can say that it seems like the best person helped you today.”

Y/N blushed at Hotch’s words, noticing the ghost of a smile on the man’s face.

“Now go to the room and take a rest. When you feel up to it, join Rossi and JJ with contacting Penelope when looking into the alumni and Spirit Games board. You’ve been a massive help so far, don’t think otherwise.”

Hotch squeezed Y/N’s shoulder as he walked past her to re-enter the room.

She watched as each member filed out to go to their assigned task. Her eyes caught Spencer’s as he left the room. Just as he began to walk towards her, Hotch called Spencer over; insisting that they left straight away.

Y/N mouthed bye to Spencer as he waved back. Their gaze not breaking until he walked out of the precinct.

Heading back into the room, Y/N notice Rossi and JJ in discussion.

“Hey guys, is it alright if I take a quick nap? It’ll only be 10 minutes at most.”

Rossi and JJ smiled towards Y/N. The team having been debriefed slightly by Hotch about what had occurred. She didn’t mind. Like Hotch said, they were family and they were there to help.

Rossi opened his arms as he beckoned Y/N into his embrace. She followed his orders and wrapped her arms around her superior. She smiled as JJ rubbed her arms and leaned her head on hers in comfort.

“Take all the time you need Sleeping Beauty; we will be right here.”

Y/N chuckled at Rossi’s nickname for her.

Releasing herself from the hold, she thanked her two friends as she laid down on the sofa. Shifting to become comfortable, her eyes instantly rolled shut from the fatigue of the emotions that had flooded from her body in the past 45 minutes. It didn’t take long until she was deep in the world of sleep.

Rustling and conversation could be heard as Y/N slipped back into conscious. Her eyes still heavy as she refused to open them for a little longer. She could hear the voices of the team around her.

“Is everything packed and ready to go?”

“Looks like it, just got to wake Sleeping Beauty up and we can head to the jet. What don’t you give her true loves kiss, Prince Charming?”

“Actually, Prince Charming is in affiliation to the story of Cinderella. You mean to refer to Prince Philip from the Disney production. In Sleeping Beauty’s original story, the “hero” is a king who meets a beautiful sleeping princess and decides to rape and impregnate her while she’s sleeping. So, I think I will just awaken her as one usually would.”

Y/N couldn’t help but giggle at Spencer’s rebuttal to Morgan.

“Well, it doesn’t seem like you need to Pretty Boy, because Sleeping Beauty is awake.”

Y/N opened her eyes as she rubbed them excessively to clear her vision. She saw Spencer sat on the edge of the couch, his satchel at his feet. Looking around the room, she noticed all the team’s stuff packed; her bag and coat neatly laid on the table. The only people in the room was her, Spencer and Morgan.

“How long was I asleep for?”

“4 hours, 2 minutes, and 36 seconds from when JJ text us that you had fallen asleep.”

Y/N groaned at the clarification that she had slept so long. By the lucks of the packed-up items, the team had found the unsub.

“I can’t believe I slept through everything. Someone should have awoken me.”

Derek chuckled as he threw his back over his shoulder, grabbing the last two boxes in the room.

“We were going to but Prince Phillip over here went into a ramble about the importance of sleep in relation to dealing with anxiety and stress. Just following the doctor’s orders. Even Hotch was afraid to go against his wishes. We’re leaving in five, so I’ll meet you both downstairs.”

Derek left the room, leaving Y/N and Spencer sitting in baited silence.

Neither knew what to say. They had crossed over into a territory of friendship that neither were expecting. Feelings that weren’t apparent before was now clear to themselves. Y/N had always found Spencer fascinating. Spencer was usually weary of new team members, but he had warmed to Y/N very quickly. He wouldn’t have touched her hands if he hadn’t.

“We better not leave them waiting any longer, or else they’ll think I’ve fallen to sleep again.”

Spencer chuckled at Y/N, following her actions as she grabbed her bag. He walked to the door, waiting for her as she put on her coat. Holding the door open, Spencer gestured for Y/N to leave first, the woman thanking him as he turned off the light behind her.

Luckily, the police station was close to the hanger. As Y/N and Spencer joined the team outside, it took them not even 10 minutes to arrive by car.

As the team boarded the jet, idle conversation flowed between the group. Talks of weekend plans and food that would be ordered when people arrived home.

Y/N stood from her seat by Emily and across from Spencer and Morgan.

“No one look at my cards. I’m going to make a coffee, does anyone want one?”

There was a chorus of no from the group as she walked to make her drink.

Pouring the liquid into her cup, Y/N’s chest suddenly felt tight. Her hands beginning to shake; spilling the hot liquid on her hand. Hissing at the pain, she went into the bathroom to put her hand under cold water. As the pain. In her hand subsided, the one in her chest rose again. She could feel another panic attack happening. The only thought she had was to get to Spencer.

Opening the bathroom door, she felt relief as she noticed that Spencer now sat alone on the sofa, flickering through some paperwork that they would more than likely complete once they got back to Quantico.

Not even thinking, Y/N headed straight for Spencer, startling him as she plopped down beside him.

Y/N took deep breathes, once again matching them with Spencer’s.

Spencer glanced at Y/N as he recognised what she was doing. Not wanting to cause a scene with the team which could elevate Y/N’s anxiety Spencer nonchalantly linked his left hand with Y/N’s right one. Repeating the actions, he had done so in the interrogation room.

“What’s your favourite dinosaur?”

Y/N looked over at Spencer as he asked the question. She watched as he put down the file; giving her his undivided attention. Her eye’s flashed down to his socks as she relayed his question in her head.

“My favourite dinosaur is the Apatosaurus. But my favourite prehistoric creature is the Carcharocles Megalodon.”

Spencer couldn’t help but beam at Y/N’s answer.

“Did you know that even though megalodons and dinosaurs are both extinct, they never coexisted. The dinosaurs died out about 66 million years ago. Megalodons came later. The oldest megalodon fossils are from the Miocene Epoch, which began 23 million years ago.”

Y/N felt the pain in her chest ease as she turned to face Spencer, her hands unconsciously moving to fiddle with the one in his grasp. Spencer tried to keep the colour of his cheeks down as he felt her play with his fingers.

“It makes sense.”

Spencer looked at her in confusion.

“Why?”

Y/N couldn’t help but laugh as she answered.

“Because Megalodons would have ruled during the dinosaur’s existence. The minute they go near the water, bam, Megalodon has its dinner.”

Falling deeper into their conversation, Y/N and Spencer were blissfully unaware of the attention from the team they were receiving.

“They seem to be enjoying each other’s company.”

The team chuckled at JJ’s remark.

“Look closely folks because we’re going to be telling this story at their wedding one day.”

The team looked on, watching as the two profilers interacted.

They may not have known Y/N long, but they had all known Spencer long enough to know that what they were seeing was the beginning of something incredibly special.

‘There is never a time or place for true love. It happens accidentally, in a heartbeat, in a single flashing, throbbing moment.’- Sarah Dessen.

A/N- I will be looking into other subjects in my next imagines so I hope you enjoy. The way I’ve portrayed anxiety and panic attacks is how I have experienced them in ways. I haven’t gone into depths how truly bad I have dealt with them because I’m writing it for the character. So I understand please understand if it doesn’t reflect how you may deal or know someone who deals with anxiety and panic attacks experience it. X

Tagged list- @danielleslegacy

#spencer reid imagines #spencer reid imagine #spencer reid #spencer reid x reader #Matthew Gray Gubler #matthew gray gubler imagine #matthew gray gubler imagines #matthew gray gubler x reader #criminal minds imagine #Criminal Minds #criminal minds x reader

1K notes · View notes