#life is actually worth it! glad to have continuous confirmation of that
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helloooo my dearest darling listeners, i am back on my soapbox to regale you all with the marvelous things i witnessed/experienced on my Whimsical As Fuck™️ three hour drive today. not necessarily in order <3
some cute does with bigass floppy ears / very sweet waitress who called me "hon" and put the most tasty looking crepes on my table / a pair of hawks divebombing a golden eagle / a kite (the bird) / a flock of magpies / some GORGEOUS scenery / a rainbow / lovely rain sprinklings / MORE gorgeous scenery, i mean what the fuck / fields of purple/orange/red tipped bushes / a meadow of buttercup-yellow very tall grass, in which many picturesque trees stood / lots of fluffy, adorable, tasty cows / a large herd of likely-feral horses with a wonderful variety of patterns & colors / the fluffiest husky ever / the juxtaposition of cold wind through an open window + warm sunlight / the most stunning snow-coated mountain of whites and blues in the sun, wreathed in clouds / no seriously some really fucking Gorgeous scenery, i was near tears with some of it
#i am feeling. Better Than I Have In A While#you know! last night i was very unhappy that i would have to do this drive!#but after my 2 hour doze in the ihop parking lot#and a nice breakfast of crepes and tea w/ my book#i was feeling better and decided Fuck It. im gonna make myself enjoy this drive#im gonna take my goddamn time and really absorb my surroundings#by fuck i will stop at a rest stop and take a walk! and i did all of it!#life is actually worth it! glad to have continuous confirmation of that#its so nice to drive and actually see things#beautiful landscapes... wildlife... Geography...#instead of just Flat. Scrub. Brown. More Scrub. Dirt. Dead Scrub aka Tumbleweed. Boring Brown Hills. No Weather.#i can go outside the clouds are Full and the air is Fresh and birds are Singing and i am Alive#absolutely unprompted#i expect the feeling of realness to fade soon but i will enjoy it while it lasts!#and maybe if i feel it often enough it will outlast the disconnect!#now i think i am going to treat myself to a pork bun i just bought & get one of the nice beers from the garage#ive Earned It!#you all treat yourself to something you like as well. we have all earned it simply by existing!#you're here today! Yippee! indulge!#im feeling so fucking whimsical today... ill go work on setting up my extra monitor and figuring out how the fuck that works!#my mic has already arrived! i have hope that i will do a test stream Soon!
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Ok no let me explain you a thing.
I can't take it. I literally can't take this moment without making a sound somewhere in the back of my throat. It's the cutest thing ever and it's this frame here that makes it.
Look, I know this is Wan. I know Wan isn't really canon and this is the preschool episode so it's even less so. But there's something in here that is an absolutely canon thing Akutagawa does.
The scene starts off with Akutagawa's typical reverence and excitement that Dazai is sitting near him. Nothing particularly notable there. But then Dazai gets excited by what's going on and Akutagawa gives him this look and I just can't take it man.
Because that's a genuinely fond look. He's happy for him. He's happy Dazai is enjoying himself.
And that's not just a Wan thing. He says along those lines to Kyouka in one of my all-time favourite BSD scenes in general.
It just. I just have a lot of feelings about that. This is a guy who, we know from Heartless Cur and the beginning of Beast, has very little in the way of emotion - but when he does feel, it's rather all-encompassing, even overwhelmingly strong. Things like rage and desperation. It's raw survival instinct.
But then he has. This too.
Here's the thing. In the preschool chapter, silly as it is, Dazai is still fixated on suicide. He has the noose, just doesn't speak about it openly. So, it's probably quite rare that Dazai shows genuine enjoyment the way he did here - and that's worth that small smile.
In the main universe, Akutagawa remembers how Kyouka hated herself to the point of asking to be killed, then sees how fierce she is about defending her new life and self, and decides that he's glad for her.
It really means something to me that one of the very few relational emotions he allows himself to feel is happiness and pride on others' behalf.
It roots itself less in compassion or happiness itself and more in a sense of respect... but remember that Akutagawa hardly gives his respect easily. He gives his respect only to those he considers strong, and in nearly every battle, he finds himself disappointed. What he wants is kind of contradictory - he wants a worthy opponent, so someone who poses a strong challenge to him to prove his own worth as one who will never be weak again... and yet, when they lose against him, he's often disappointed they did not succeed or fight harder, and looks down on them.
Atsushi's motive, or what he initially thinks his motive is, is disappointing to him at first - Akutagawa believes he is trying to prove himself as worthy of living through someone else's acceptance and berates him for it. But that's... exactly what he has been doing. Later on, he continues to question Atsushi for his motives, in yet another of one of my favourite scenes.
He asks him over and over - "why?" And is not satisfied until Atsushi reveals that he's also looking to get rid of the shadow of the orphanage director that follows him like a haunting - that trauma? All that pain thrown in his face? He is fighting to overcome it. He is fighting via proof and change because Atsushi wants to live, and to not have to feel ashamed of that. And that's what it took for Akutagawa to trust him and respect him enough to transfer Rashoumon to him.
I think, on some level, Akutagawa is invested in seeing whether Atsushi will succeed in this. And I think, in spite of everything between them, he will be glad for him if he does.
I just really love this aspect to his character, because while he searches for strength in violence and power and physical skill, it means on a deeper level, he actually sees joy and resistance in the face of despair as true strength that's worth acknowledging.
I want him so badly to accept that as true strength within himself in the main timeline.
I also love it because Beast confirms that Akutagawa would do anything for his sister and I am now free to imagine Gin telling her brother all the things she was learning and how she was slowly connecting to the Black Lizard and feeling overwhelming pride for her but not really expressing that but Gin knowing that's how he felt regardless, anyways that is all
Is this even coherent anymore? Oh well.
#me making an analysis that reads too much into wan number 28746837#sorry but it drives me crazy and i needed to spew#bsd#bsd meta#...i guess.#bsd akutagawa#bsd dazai#bsd kyouka#bsd atsushi#bsd gin#storyrambles
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Gushing About Their Animal Form | Yandere Twisted Wonderland
Azul Ashengrotto
When it's reveaed that he’s actually an octo-mer he thinks you're making fun of him when he sees that fond look in your eyes
But when he meets your enamored gaze more than once since his overblot he gets curious
Sending Jade on the task he expects to get clear results
But alas he does not
Even with his sly attitude and trying to use his unique magic Grimm or Ace&Deuce always seemed to get in the way
Hardly ever catching you alone the more reliable Leech twin has failed
Now onto the other one
Of course Floyd is jumping at the chance to play with ‘his Shrimpy~’
Unlike Jade Floyd can immediately scare off your entourage or at least out run them before asking Azul’s question
You play dumb for a little while hoping it will just throw him off
But he gets to tickling and you just can’t keep it in anymore
“I-haha- like-no haha- love–octopuses! Now p-please s-stop y-you’re gonna make me pee!”
He’s blushing so hard the revelation
‘You like octopuses?’
So life will continue as usual until he finally has the guts to ask you fighting his imagination as he awaits your confirmation
Now if your an animal lover(like me) you’re gushing about how much you love their intelligence
Praising their innate immune system, ability to camouflage, and just absolute innovation when it comes to surviving
While he’s listening to you rant with that sparkle in your eye he decides that he quite loves this side of you
He loves all sides of you but your own passion and interest in him simply by his existence alone is something he’d rather not live without
It doesn’t really matter if you were actually talking about the animal only
So if you behave keep visiting him often he’ll eventually promise to let you see his form
And while he’ll be totally embarrassed that you follow up he’ll hold true and invite you to a second location
You agree and from there it's easy pickings
He can keep you somewhere where only he can get to you
Somewhere where you both can admire eachothers extremities without bringing attention
“I’m glad you don’t mind my tentacles. Now, following through with our deal, would you please stop wiggling away! Isn’t it fair? I let you touch me so intimately.”
If your not an animal lover and you quite literally like the taste get ready for this bottom yandere
You have so much control over him once he finds out he practically embarasses himself to death around you
Don’t say you like eating anyother seafood
otherwise I can see him targeting anyone with any relation
“There’s only room for one worthy to be their prey and it's not worth anything for it to be you!”
Leona Kingscholar
You gravitate to him when your in groups anyways
He figures it's because he’s considered the strongest
And he takes pride in that
But this understanding changes when you start reaching for his ears or tail
He probably won’t actually respond just easily grab your reaching hand or even hold your head far enough that your arms don’t reach
He’ll want to know but he won’t be the one to ask you
But Ruggie will
Then starts your passionate rant about lions and their symbolism in society and all the ways they prevail in the Savannah
He’s…really thrilled though
This means his chances with you are already increased and that gives him the advantage
He begins baiting you
purposefully directing your attention to him with a flick of his tail
Who said male lions can’t hunt!
He sets his snare by pretending to sleep wistfully in some secluded area
So when you inevitably want to sneak a pet he snatches you and proposes an irresistable offer
“If you want to feel me so bad then at least be useful to me when I want to sleep.”
Being a cuddle pet in exchange for the closest you’ll get to a lion
Good enough!
He dangles it over your head
As a way for you to follow his will
“I don’t want you talking with that scuzzball.”
“But-”
“Five less minutes.”
“What?! I-”
“Ten less minutes–”
“Okay! Okay! No more talking with him.”
“Good. Zzzzzzzz.”
Grim~
Its less of a counterpart than his whole darn existence
And you probably will never outwardly express how much you love cats
But he knows you’re not clueless about it
Making makeshift catpaths and cat trees
Playing with him for a certain amount of time everyday
Or how you don’t comment when he feels the need to speed around suddenly before going to bed
Or how you’ll only pet him when he offers
He just has that feeling
But since you’ve never said anything outright he doesn’t have any grounds to correct you
That doesn’t mean he's happy when you get so excited to hear that Chen’ya floating around
“The Great Grim does require his nails to be trimmed...unless I could do it on his skin–”
“Grim!”
“A joke. The Great Grim is not only the greatest magician but has the comedy of uh…funny human!”
#yandere twisted wonderland#yandere x reader#yandere x you#lovelyyandereaddictionpoint#twisted wonderland#leona kingscholar#grim#yandere azul ashengrotto#yandere azul x reader#azul ashengrotto#yandere leona x reader#yandere leona kingscholar#yandere grim
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Final Thoughts on To Be Continued
Ok, I know I was loudly still mad at this show last week in @respectthepetty's notes, who was very kind (and even encouraging) about it. @happypotato48 talked me down a bit by suggesting there was more in the novel that might still come, and he was right! This week we got an explanation that helped me find the through-thread that was missing between the flashbacks and the start of the show, so I can let that go. I was pretty satisfied with that part of this week's finale overall, and was really glad that they added that connecting piece for me.
Short non-spoilery version of where I landed: I was skeptical it was going to land the core storyline, but for me it did. I liked it in the end, but there are a number of hurdles to enjoying this show so I wouldn't recommend this without caveats (mostly related to pacing).
With all of that being said, it's one of the better pulps this year so far, and worth a watch if you love mutual pining, don't mind slow episodes, and enjoy when a show lets its characters make mistakes. I'm glad I watched it.
For anyone curious about this show, here's where this show worked for me, and where it didn't. Spoilers under the cut!
What I Liked
I really enjoyed Ji getting to be petty to Achi at the beginning of the series, and the way the show made clear that Ji knew exactly how conflicted he was about Achi showing up in his life again.
I love yearning, and the yearning in this series was top-notch. The way Ji could not help himself when it came to accepting Achi's overtures, and the way Achi used his overtures to say over and over again "I know you; I know us; I am willing to put in effort to prove I mean it" was delicious.
I did like the flashbacks and how they were doled out through the series to add context and explain what was happening. The timing of the flashbacks in the story was well done and gave us the info we needed when we needed it.
I liked how clear consent was in this show, and how consent alone did not result in a perfect scenario, especially as kids. I did appreciate how the main conflict from the past was essentially teenage boys did not know how to communicate and blew everything out of proportion/did not understand how to think about things from the others' perspective.
And from this last episode, I liked how the show let us see that years of reflection helped Achi realize what things must have felt like from Ji's perspective, and once he had confirmation that Ji was devastated when he left, it makes sense that he would be able to meet up with Ji again with both confidence and contrition in order to get the reconciliation he wants. I also really liked the contrast in the sex scenes between their first time when they didn't kiss for most of the scene and their first time as boyfriends where they can't seem to stop kissing.
Finally, I love competence, and I really enjoyed getting to see Ji be a competent surgeon and Achi be good at his job managing fan expectations of his personal life. Achi handled the relationship reveal with confidence knowing he'd be able to manage the fallout, and his manager was supportive once he was sure Achi actually had a plan.
What I Didn't Like
I seriously considered dropping this show after episode 4 because for the first little while, every other episode really dragged. It wasn't the order in which the story was doled out that was the issue, but there was so much unnecessary footage and scenes lingered too long within each episode. In short, there were moments when this show draaaaaaagged. So in terms of who it works/doesn't work for, having patience for really slow pacing within an episode is critical. It does pick up a bit after ep4, but never fully gets over this problem.
Egregiously in a show where some episodes felt too long, the show also didn't use the time it had to fully close off all the threads it started and some of the plots felt rushed. There was a redemption arc for Ji's father that felt incomplete/sudden to me (not to say people can't snap out of a 10-year depression but I wasn't really given any chance to feel much about this because we didn't really sit with him or his kids after it happened); the side characters' romance felt like it barely got off the ground (they honestly had the time, they just didn't use it), and Poppy's romance and career trajectory also barely got any time (this one is more forgivable as a third and het couple).
Beyond the multiple pacing issues, the acting was also shaky, and while the sex scenes are well staged and cut to hide this, they were a little awkward together during some of the moments of physical intimacy.
For my taste, I would have wanted to see more of the characters working on things and changing their behaviour; a lot of the push-pull in the middle of the series felt circular rather than progressive. Some of it was necessary: Achi did demonstrate he will stick around no matter how hard Ji makes it this time, and Ji did show that he can open up and be vulnerable with Achi eventually, and trust him when there are external threats. But I would have liked to have seen more of the parts that led to the change in them happen. They also spend a lot of time falling into old habits when they started hanging out together again, which was charming and realistic, but I would have loved to see more incorporation of their new lives. Achi basically takes a break from stardom to woo Ji, so we don't get a real sense of what their relationship will be like except in the finale which is quite brief.
I already gave my high-level summary above the fold: TL; DR I'm glad I watched but not everyone will enjoy this one.
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I'm happy there was no season 4.
This could either be a popular, or very unpopular opinion, I'm unsure as frankly I've only began watching two days ago, and finished the show already, (god it was beautiful).
Anyways, I very firmly believe anything after a season 3 would have likely ruined the storyline, it ended on such a beautiful note, something that's so perfectly them. I'm also in a way, happy they never actually did kiss, although realistically I had been rooting for it to happen, the fact it didn't doesn't bother me one bit, it really brings out all the intimacy in their prior actions, and words, I love that their love was batshit insane, that it didn't need a kiss or pda to believe it was reciprocated, frankly surrendering eachothers lives together was more than enough for a confirmation.
But continuing on, I believe a season 4 would have been too messy, they left s3 on a very difficult position to recover off, and a position that didn't need recovering either, it didn't need fixing or changing - not one bit. It was so perfect in my opinion, their last things they did was kill a man together to save one another, then kill themseleves together, literally how much more fitting could it have been for these murder husbands? It just worked so well, that nothing can be more intimate than death for them, in my opinion.
Latching onto the last part of the first section of the post, I really liked how they portrayed the reciprocity of Will's feelings towards Hannibal. When Bedelia ask's Will if he 'aches' for Hannibal too, and it cuts off to another scene, I generally already took that as a yes, as it was a big damn claim, I don't think it's something you easily hesitate on, not when the person in question is a cannibalistic murderer. When he chooses to save Hannibal, and jump off the cliff with him though, that is the real confirmation of course, choosing to leave his wife and son, all friends and absolutely every inch of the life he made - for Hannibal, a man he physically could not get over no matter how hard he tried.
It's perfect, sorry I just finished the show today (like a few hours ago) and I love it so dearly, I've never watched something where the ending felt so genuinely satisfying, even if it seemingly hadn't meant to felt like a finale in that manner, it worked amazingly, I'm very glad it wasn't a s2 situation with such an insane cliff hanger, or else I would have probably just.. never watched the show. Some say it does feel like a cliff hanger, but eventually you can come to terms and realize that their actions, a double suicide in the name of love(?) couldn't possibly surpass anything else they've done at that point, their action's have led them to either horribly idiotic situations, or blissful moments.
Lastly I wanted to mention my original assumption of the ending, I midway through season 2 found out Hannibal was actually a incomplete cancelled show, also prior to that I found through spoilers that will eventually has a wife. Those facts are important because I very weirdly am a person who cannot consume a media without spoilers, (my anxiety is due to that). So I just about know every ending of a show before I'm even halfway into it, although I tend to prefer to wait later, I wondered if finishing the show was worth it so i searched it up, and watched briefly the ending, It was very relieving as if it actually did truly end in a heterosexual way it would have immediately made me quit the show, as yes they are intimite but I still did want any type of closure, without it I would have felt at most pretty indifferent with the ending.
Anyways, the show is beautiful, I love it so so much, even if it's a complete change in genres for me, I love the characters, I love the artistry and creativity in the show, and god do I love the ending.
(edit a day later: guys i totally missed that last scene w bedelia at the end, i still prefer s3's ending but did not know it was implied they were alive!!??!)
#hannibal tv show#hannibal nbc#hannibal lecter#will graham#sorry if theres typos#tis 10:30am#ive been awake since 5pm#spent all day watching hannibal (whoops)
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Faerûnian Writing Challenge
Day 4 | SFW
Camp chores (more like camp life but well-)
Tav put up the lastest tent in the camp.
“Thanks soldier, for what you did. Honestly, was downright ready to call it quits until you came along!” Karlach punches their arm playfully. It burns.
“Start making it worth it, we’ll be needing as much muscles as we could on the road.” Tav punches back. It burns, again.
Being playful is definitely weird, especially with someone who can take their punch without tumbling while also being on fire.
“You tease! Your little stick arms are enough muscles as it is for the both of us!” Karlach squats their arm with her tail.
Tav flexes their arms for a moment. They’re not that stickly, aren’t they–
“Now, to get to know everyone around camp! Who’s that fella over there? Been out since we got here.” Karlach points towards Wyll’s tent.
Wyll who is still dead.
“Best not to disturb him for now, actually. Haven’t gotten around to that yet.” Didn’t Wyll also mention something about wanting Karlach’s head? Tav could sense a headache already once they revive him.
How long has he been dead?
“Oh Gods, truly, is this the best you could get?” Gale pulls out from Tav’s bag several humanoid limbs. “Have you confirmed what these are?”
“No. Got it from the goblin camp.” Tav throws a few of today’s finds into the camp’s chest, “I forgot they hated us and returned there.”
“A mess we made of them!” Karlach jutted in with great enthusiasm from where she was next to Lae’zel.
“Then we stole the food they were cooking.” Tav unhook their armour, letting it clank on the ground, taking off their shirt.
They’ve all been travelling together long enough to see each other change, bathe or get naked. Except for Halsin and Karlach, Tav supposed, but they’ll get used to it too.
“Though I will say, their blood was downright awful.” Astarion has been continuously rubbing his teeth to get rid of the taste but Tav suspects he might need to skin his tongue for that.
“It was a marvel watching Karlach so… efficiently at work.” Shadowheart has been avoiding eye contact with Karlach ever since the tiefling flexes her muscles and literal steam puffs out of it. Instead she devotes her full attention towards a pile of logs she’s trying to set aflame.
Suddenly, a thought came to Tav. “Hey Karlach, do you think you could set the logs on fire with your engine?” They look a tad too eager.
“I don’t see why not!” Karlach charges towards the logs, her arms scooping them all up. Just as they touch her skin, sparks of ember light up from the sides.
She drops them by Shadowheart who gathered herself enough to start fanning. A fire is made.
“A– er, an ailment can provide much assistance when the need arises.” Halsin commented, his hands frozen in place where he's supposed to put down the bowl and dishes. Unlike Shadowheart who is very openly distracted by Karlach, his eyes were towards Tav's half naked form.
Were they doing something odd?
“Oh wow, that’s one hunk of an elf.” She nudges Tav. Direct skin contact. It burns. “Nice to meet you, I’m Karlach!”
“Halsin, the pleasure is mine.” Halsin smiles, his eyes crinkling by its sides.
“Halsin can turn into a bear.” Tav carried the boxes to place them around the fire, making small chairs and tables. “With really soft furs.” They wiggle their fingers to further express the sentiment.
“Oh my god!!” Karlach’s eyes practically sparkle.
“Glad to see at least someone can relate to our most, say… unpredictable travelling companion.” Astarion shoots a jab their way. Tav kicked up sand towards his face.
“Is nobody concerned we might be committing cannibalism upon eating these unsourced meat?!”
Gale’s cries reached no ears as the sound of crinkling fire and various conversations eases the evening into night.
#bg3ficfeb#bg3 tav#my tav#baldur's gate 3#bg3#bg3 oc#bg3 writing#nonbinary tav#gale dekarios#karlach#shadowheart#halsin silverbough#maybe i should put less tags#im just putting these up for fun whike sleep deprived#o well
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BEHOLD. Julien meeting Liam properly for the first time and being really weirdly religious about it. I write these with humanizations in mind but there's nothing explicitly human in this so imagine what you want. About 600 words under the cut (and you can tell where I ran out of steam, lol).
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"You're real."
That's the first thing out of Julien's mouth when Liam's crutches click across the floor and the man comes into his line of sight. They're both standing there, the breath sucked out of their lungs, and neither of them move a step closer. Julien's hand clutches at his chest - he can feel his heart beating a million miles an hour, he's alive, he's alive, and Liam standing right here in front of him proves it, without any more doubt.
"Dear lord, you're real," he repeats, his voice shaky and thick with gratitude. And maybe some tears, as well.
"Thank god, thank you, thank you, thank you," the praise falls out of his lips like they're the only words he knows, remembering who he's standing in front of far too late.
"I owe you my life, I owe you more than my life," he continues on, and he can feel his legs shake as every sinew in them snaps, as every pound per square inch of solid stone grinds his bones into fine dust and collapses his lungs. The permanent bruises throb, dark purple and hot. He falls onto his knees and grunts in more pain, but finds it fitting. Liam's still staring. Julien can't parse his expression. His hands twitch in front of him, wanting to reach out, but how are you supposed to make sense of touching someone so otherworldly, so transcendent? You don't. You can't.
"You, you- I thought I was stuck there forever. Stuck forever, waiting for someone to save me that would never come. But you did, you did, mon ange, you did..."
And now there are more thank yous bubbling past his lips. I need to praise you, worship you, revere you. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
"...My name is Liam."
His mouth is set in a thin line. Julien still doesn't know what it means. He's not great at reading people yet. He's spent too long not having anyone to read.
He breaks out of his spell. He tries to wipe away the tears running rivers down his face with the meat of his shaking hands, but it doesn't quite work. He thinks he sees Liam's own hand reach out, off his crutch, but then it quickly retreats back to the handle. Julien raises to his feet with the help of the wall.
"Liam," he repeats softly, and Liam nods, as if to confirm he got it right. The word is clumsy in his mouth and not at all the way Liam himself had just pronounced it.
Julien's eyebrows scrunch in the way they do when he's thinking hard about something. His eyes flit from Liam's legs back up to his face. He tries not to let it make him angry.
"...I'm glad you're here," is what he settles on instead of fervent appreciation, and this is when Liam smiles. Julien has to remind himself to breathe.
"I'm glad you're here, too. With us."
Us. Us. Liam considers them all a unit, something together instead of separated into those who know suffering and those who dug their way out of it.
He had been trying to be the latter. He doesn't like to think about if it was actually worth it in the end. It makes him space out too bad. He looks up at Liam again. He can't find any words. All he had ever mustered up were prayers, pleas for forgiveness and mercy, and now that he's been given that... now what?
"I don't have anything to give you," he says, and Liam looks confused, now. Julien knows what confusion looks like.
"As thanks," he elaborates, and his hands wave around thin and useless in front of him, "I don't have anything."
"I don't need anything," Liam responds simply, and no, that can't be right.
"You're home safe. That's all I wanted."
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Ya know. I spent most of my life with horrible painful soul-crushing social anxiety.
And after about 25 years of continuous hard work, suddenly, people started pointing out - to my utter bafflement - that I had, in fact, achieved my lifelong dream of being charismatic. I'm 29 now; I feel comfortable in most social situations, and it is a very rare person whom I cannot make laugh.
I am, undoubtedly, finally, charismatic.
But do you know what I found?
I found that now that I have an understanding of which social rules serve which functions -- Now that I have an understanding of just how much damage my awkwardness was doing to people, well,
I found that, actually, my awkwardness never really hurt anyone at all. People were just judgmental dicks to me about it.
Now that I have the skill-level to (most of the time) creatively vocalize what is in my head as soon as I think it and without fear, I can confirm once and for all what I had always suspected:
I was worth talking to when I was quiet.
I was worth talking to when I was awkward, and when the words in my head took time and patience to hear, and when most of my jokes didn't land. I was worth talking to the whole time.
So I just... I hope that if you've ever wondered whether you are worth communicating with, the answer is yes. Absolutely yes. Each of us has a soul worth sharing - and if you and I were talking, I would happily wait for you to speak (or communicate in other ways) without condescending, and I would never shame you for that harmless awkwardness that so many people feel the need to violently stomp out.
You are worth talking to. You just are. And you deserve people who will speak to you with kindness, with patience, and with the basic immutable respect owed to all people.
(I talk about this with some frequency, both on tumblr and in real life. At some point, maybe I'll gather all my thoughts on the matter into one post. At some point, I wrote about my personal experience trying to build my social skill. But I felt the need to say at least a little bit tonight after seeing this other lovely post, and I'm glad I did. It will happen again.)
#original#social anxiety#autism#that one post#actually autistic#self-diagnosis is valid - in case that last tag implies otherwise to anyone. i think it just denotes i am an autistic and not just an ally.#social skills#socially awkward#socially anxious#autistic positivity#autism positivity#like actually genuinely who does it hurt if i tell a joke that doesn't land? esp if the joke is not about another person#this is not a live comedy show this is life ya gotta learn to say 'ah well they can't all be golden!'#which btw is a line i use when my own jokes don't land and it usually plays pretty well actually. i've got a higher hit rate but#genuinely they just can't all be good! anyway i go into that in the post linked at the end there i think#people can tell when you're not sure of yourself socially and a lot of folks instinctively use that against you. and i am here to say that#it's fucked up that they are doing that and they need to step off actually. imagine getting to decide on which social cues are#acceptable and then using that power to be unkind. fuckin gross. i regret so deeply each time in my life i have made that choice.#being a kid who is abused like that so often it was eager to power trip when i met kids more awkward than myself. but it was wrong#and i regret it. and i am proud to say i haven't done that in a long time and instead when i find myself with that power i try to say#actually what do YOU want? to the people shyer than me.#i'm pretty rad now is what i'm saying lol#like all the ways that having a good social stat has improved my life just made me realize what bullshit it is that this was necessary#doing what I did is not desirable or possible for everyone. they deserve just as much out of life as i do.#side note: i think I've actually surpassed a lot of neurotypicals who had never even had to think about social rules 🤣.#like I feel no competition with other people who have struggled socially but now that I'm more charming than people who were dicks to me#I do feel like fuck you!! I win!!!! I can finally see enough of the full picture to say that your arbitrary rules were FUCKING ARBITRARY#I'm also aware of the fact that not everyone finds me charismatic but i am. in all the ways that matter to me. and I'm still growing!#note to future jack: you did save these posts in your notes app on the day this was written.#tbh i am often still awkward i am just not sorry anymore if i'm not hurting ppl. 'confident and awkward' really throws 'em for a loop! XD
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Oh man oh man, where to even START with reliving last night? It was everything I could’ve hoped for Louis and more. When he said FITF was written for the live show he knew he was touring big venues. The songs actually come to life in these places. Even songs like “Angels Fly” which is definitely a slower song had such power and force.
The setlist was expertly crafted and has his own personal “b stage” set where he just pours his heart and soul and RAINBOWS on the floor.
Steve as a musical director is so good. When they eventually get back together I hope he’s doing the MD because the versions of the songs he crafts are so layered and have so much depth.
Michael has more solos and I love that man.
The band continues to sound so great together and you can tell they’re used to playing together for a while.
We ACTIVELY avoided the setlist and I’m so glad that we did. As @crinkle-eyed-boo said, “it is our birthright as people at the first show to be surprised.” And man, you can’t recapture the chaos, excitement, and joy it was hearing all the songs for the first time. Back to You and WDBHG are such surprises and perfect additions to the setlist. The fact that Louis didn’t write WDBHG and still saw that it was a great addition to the set? Genius energy. I had heard Night Changes before so I knew it when it started, but many people didn’t until he started singing it. The energy and fan reaction when he started that? It could’ve powered a small country.
I am not an avid arctic monkeys fan so I didn’t know 505, but I was VERY MUCH in the minority. People got as excited for that as the 1D songs. It sounds great with his voice and I’d like to hear it again.
He OWNED that stage and that crowd all night. Everyone knew every word and were into the whole show. The crowd was much younger than I thought it would be but they were super into it. Thank god everyone was SINGING and not screaming. That might add to the sound, but I didn’t pay to hear Mary from CT scream at Louis. I wanted to hear him.
The show was like an hour and a half and there are no stops. It’s all gas. All the time. Only Saved by a Stranger is a “slow” song, but it’s a deep cut I love so it’s great to hear live. And Louis sounds so beautiful on it. Wear your comfortable shoes, go to the bathroom before, and strap in for an amazing show.
Louis wasn’t as chatty as usual, but he openly said it took him halfway through the show to not be nervous. I’m so glad I’m going to the final show of the US leg to see how he improves and develops.
He is so masterful at picking his opening acts. Snarls and The Academic had people engaged and hyped the whole time. It’s also so amazing to see these smaller bands playing spaces they might not play without Louis’ support. They were all visibly overwhelmed and it was so sweet.
My only complaint with the screens is I would prefer to see him in color instead of black and white because he’s so pretty.
Also, what a fucking amazing community we have. Getting to experience this show with @crinkle-eyed-boo and @sadaveniren was beyond words and seeing @pop-punklouis and other friends was just confirmation that the bullshit of loving these assholes is worth it.
I can’t wait to see Louis take over the world. 💙💙
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20 Questions for Fic Writers!
Another post in a seemingly unending series of posts in which I talk about writing to make me feel like I've accomplished any actual writing. Results so far are middling.
1. How many works do you have on AO3?
53! How and when?? (The answer is "Kà and a pandemic.")
2. What’s your total AO3 word count?
228,456
3. What fandoms do you write for?
Just Cirque du Soleil at the moment, but a long running rp is soaking up the majority of my creative thoughts just now. That's its own whole thing with a blog and fics and AUs upon AUs.
4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?
Wing Dust (Miraculous Ladybug, T, perpetually bemused that I wrote this in the first place and yet here it is at number one)
Downpour (Mad Max Fury Road, G, my first for a fandom that did so much for me as an author)
War Song (Mad Max Fury Road, T, strong contender for favorite fic I've ever written)
Idle in Neutral (Mad Max Fury Road, G, I forget I wrote this one all the time and whenever I get kudos for it I'm like whom??? I love that it has a life all its own.)
Mantle (Mad Max Fury Road, G, another one I continually forget about lol)
That's the curse of writing for tiny fandoms! The ones I have loved most, that have mangled my brain for months on end are destined to have like a dozen readers total. On the other hand it's very gratifying to know I'm writing for a small handful of people extra extra psyched to find content. And in the meantime I have these, many of which I've let myself forget, that have found their audience anyway. It's a very rewarding feeling, like I could make the effort, move on, and still leave people happy years later.
5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?
Most times yes!! And I'm so so lucky to get the most thoughtful comments of all on my most niche fics. Makes it all more than worth it.
6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?
Walkabout and I love it. Cirque du Soleil Kà, T.
7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?
Tea Series by a mile. Didn't know I had it in me until pushed by @studiokawaii , and I'm so glad they did. Cirque du Soleil Kà, T.
8. Do you get hate on fics?
Honestly so few people are aware of them that it's not really a risk. What is hugely embarrassing is the confirmed knowledge that Cirque artists know about and have read some of them. But there's nothing I can do about that, lol.
9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?
Yes! Somehow I feel like I'm always writing it, and then I look at my total body of work and am like "...where is all of it." Historically it was mostly M/M, but Kà got me actually writing F/M for the first time. Most common themes are experience vs. inexperience and tense power dynamics. I'd love to write more dub con.
10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?
Only ever one. Decree, another for Mad Max Fury Road, in which the Vuvalini are each granted one single potentially worldshaping wish à la Puella Magi Madoka Magica. I know why people don't click on it, but I'm fond of it!
11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?
No and tbh I can't imagine anyone would bother.
12. Have you ever had a fic translated?
No but I'd be open to it if anyone cared to take on the project! I love translated fics. What a nice thing to do, granting someone else's work the opportunity for new eyes.
13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?
No, but again @studiokawaii and I have had some great fic/art collaboration in the past couple years with inspiration coming from both directions.
14. What’s your all time favourite ship?
Snape/Harry. I never talk about it, I've never written it myself (I think?? maybe in high school I did), but honestly it's been so long that I think there's no unseating it now. The amount of care, dedication, creativity, and talent coming from that group, even after so long, is truly unique and remarkable. All time favorite ship to write has been Counselor's Son/Twin Sister by a landslide.
15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?
It pains me, but I think I'm kidding myself if I try to claim The Shape of Things To Come doesn't qualify. I love the idea, I know exactly where I want it to go, but something about the enormity of the ground that needs to be covered in order to get there has spooked me.
I also have two highly embarrassing WIPs - one for Shadow & Bone and another for fucking Teen Titans - that I doubt will ever be finished. I just adore both ideas and it's fun thinking they've at least taken some kind of shape somewhere, even if they never make it out into the world.
16. What are your writing strengths?
Creating believable characterization and distinctive voices from very sparse source material. At least that's what I've been told, which I take as an immense compliment. I also think I write tension rather well, whether it be sexual, conflicting emotions, or threatening hostility.
17. What are your writing weaknesses?
Well right now my ability to finish anything feels pretty fuckin weak. I struggle with action scenes, like physical fights or scenes in which a lot is going on in multiple places at once. Hitting a natural rhythm with them is very difficult for me. Pacing for longer fics doesn't come easily to me either, and I always worry if my longer work reads like a bulleted list of stuff I knew needed to happen rather than an actual story with a true and natural flow. That's part of what's bogging me down with Shape of Things.
I also love commas too much.
18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?
Depends. You can't just throw it in there imo - it's a great opportunity for mindful characterization and shouldn't be treated like checking a box, or worse, a reminder to your audience that the source material doesn't match the language you're writing in. I'm not multilingual so the most you're likely to see from me are vague hints at certain dialects and accents in Kà, for instance, since they're not speaking any real language anyway.
19. First fandom you wrote for?
Teen Titans. It's still out there somewhere, likely a somewhat embarrassing blip on the radar of some long forgotten LJ community. I got some early encouragement there that put me where I am today. Nurture and welcome new writers, people!!
20. Favourite fic you’ve written?
Borderline Suspect. I put so much into it. It was a real milestone fic for me, unlike anything I'd ever written before, and it stands so apart in my memory that I just can't choose any other. At the time I thought it was everything I could possibly want to say about Ka and CS/TS, but when it was through I found myself more motivated and inspired than ever.
Some of the most valuable and rewarding feedback I've ever gotten came from this fic, and the intensity of the response, however contained by the size of the fandom, has made me feel incredibly lucky. People came out of nowhere to talk to me about it, send art for it, push me through writing lulls with comments that turned entire days around. I made new friends because of it. I don't see myself writing anything quite like it ever again. Even if I did, I couldn't dream of a more gratifying response. Cirque du Soleil Kà, E.
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Hi! Big fan of your blog, your takes are always so refreshing and lovely to read!
So I'm about 86 percent certain that having expectation about this is just setting myself up for disappointment because I don't really think anything canonically confirming buddie will happen before the last couple episodes of this season (if it happens this season at all) but what do you think about 6x13 being called New Sensation👀
Awww, hi lovely Nonnie! Thank you SO MUCH for the kind words! I hope you know you're awesome, too! :D
I'm glad to meet another person who's in the camp of trying to temper our expectations! *hugs* I hope that like me, you're still having tons of fun watching the show! As for the titles of eps... Yeah, I usually try to avoid reading too much into them. For one thing, they try to include a theme that would be relevant to all the emergency calls during the ep, as well as to our characters, and that means that sometimes the fit is kinda partial. Sometimes it's totally meaningless. I remember how, when we learned that 510 was called Wrapped in Red, a ton of people (for obvious reasons) dug out the lyrics to the love song that the ep title is referencing. So of course they were very hopeful that this was the ep that would bring us one of the guys realizing he's in love and daring to declare it, since that's what the song's about. Turns out, it was more to do with the general theme of gift giving, joy all around and the big party the team ended up throwing for the people who lost their home. And how was the song connected to Chris throwing a tantrum 'coz he was scared, and Eddie deciding to leave the 118? Well, it just wasn't. So yeah, I'm bringing all of this up as a way of saying, we should always limit our theorizing based on ep titles, they're not that reliable.
That being said, I am kind of carefully looking at 'Recovery' because that one is pretty straight forward and, since the theme of an ep has to connect to the 118 as well, it strongly suggests that one of our protagonists will be in recovery, so it seems to imply one of them would have been hurt in one of the prior eps. I wrote here about the possibility that it's Buck who's injured. In addition, I later thought about it possibly being Bobby, dealing with his own recovery from his addiction and how hard it is to maintain that, given his loss in 609 and the dark path it will take him down. IDK if either one will turn out to be true, but this is an example for where I am more ready to believe that the ep title is giving us an indication of what will actually happen in the ep itself.
However, 'New Sensation' (ep 613) is... it just feels too broad and ambiguous to try and extrapolate anything from it. I know where my head's going to immediately as a hopeful Buddie shipper! Buck or Eddie recognizing that they're feeling something for the other man. In terms of when I tend to assume we'd have such a revelation, I always kinda thought 911 would wanna really cash in on this if it went there, so it would use it during a season finale. Which NS is not going to be. So I'm doubtful that's the direction the ep will take. If we are going to get a Buck who gets injured and goes through recovery, new sensation might be about a new direction he takes on following that. Not necessarily in a romantic sense? It could be about him and his journey with his self worth. It could be a continuation of Bobby's storyline. And it could be something we're not seeing coming at all, because it will play off of events that will only start unfolding in 6b. I also have to say that if Buck does get injured in the ep titled 'In a Flash' and then going through a vision of an alternate reality in the ep 'In Another Life' followed by the story of him healing in 'Recovery,' then I just can't see every ep title in 6b being about primarily about him, and I would think that makes it more likely that the new sensation in the title has nothing to do with him.
It might have to do with Eddie, who we know from Kristen's interview will try dating again in 6b. That would fit with NS breaking away from whoever 'Recovery' is about. My other Buddie shipper thought is, what if Eddie's discovering his attraction to men and that's the new sensation in the title? It could be, especially since just having a repeat of the arc where he dated Ana would be too boring, so this one would have to offer something new, some different revelation and/or experience. I don't think that this is an unlikely option, but I'm also afraid it might be my wishful thinking. Because as you can see, there are so many possibilities! And also, I have to admit that if Eddie does discover he's into men, I would expect that to be unveiled quite close to him realizing his feelings for Buck. And like I said, I would assume that to happen in a season finale, so for s6, that would be 618.
Sorry, I know this is long, but I wanted to do the most for you, so I threw out there all the thoughts that I had when I heard the title and that I then put aside. I hope this is at least somewhat helpful? Have a great day! And here's as always my ask tag. xoxox
#buddie#911meta#buddie meta#911 meta#9-1-1#evan buckley#eddie diaz#edmundo diaz#evan buck buckley#ask#anon ask#911 speculation#bobby nash#fandom love#kindness#thank you!#<3333#911onabc#911 on abc#911abc#911 abc
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@rescuefield from here
His suggestion that she stay the night had been a genuine one, a grasp, an olive branch, a desire to capture how they were once. Chris couldn't even recall the moment where they became so strained, where laughter, teasing and love had turned to... regret, anger, sorrow. When they were together nothing was like it was, Jill had even commented on it and it did very little to help mend whatever issues they were having, and the shared virus had only deepened the negative feelings they both were clearly feeling. The entire dinner was like walking a tight rope, the thread two seconds away from snapping, just the scrape of silverware against the plates and the occasional hum as they chowed what little they could down with the very low appetites they both had.
He wanted space, that was the main reason he didn't want her doing the dishes, perhaps they could talk after dinner, yet Claire tarried in the room, sat at the table as he glared down at the sudsy water and after the silence, he just... broke. He couldn't do this anymore. Her explanations didn't help the anger and.... he wasn't sure what the feeling was, but it was heavy. A vice in his chest that stopped him from taking a deep breath ever, and with a huff he shuts the water off, turning with towel in hand as he dries his hands.
Claire's following statements flood him with conflicting emotions and all he could do is glare, scoffing as he finishes his task with the towel. The thing was... she was correct, he did try to send her away, and it wasn't because he didn't think she was capable, but the truth of the matter was far deeper, far more deep seeded than he was willing to dig in the very moment and so he just shakes his head, dismissive. " How could you even think that I would think that about you? " He asks, defensively. It hurt, knowing she thought that when all he thought about when it came to Claire was how much she meant to him, she was his world, and he was proud of her and she deserved way more than what he could ever give her. Perhaps they should cut ties? Let her get away from him before she became yet another mangled corpse.
" But hey, glad that's out in the open, Claire. You think that I have a low opinion of you, absolutely fantastic, to hear that confirmed. " His tone is bitter, the perfect stone statue of a soldier crumbling just after a single conversation off the mission. He was notorious, a legend, titles that rang hollow and filled him with so much bile, and yet he dealt with them knowing he couldn't focus on such prestigious compliments when he had a war to fight. And yet once the tactical vest was off and he was just a man, a human being, a brother, a complete out of body-fuck up. The weight tumbles down on him and the look in Claire's eyes constantly told him that she resented him, and his desire to push her away from the work he did continued and and round and round it went.
Despite the shattered image of himself, the fact that Claire believes she wasn't enough nearly sets him off, it hurt, the one thing he was sure about was that he loved her and if she didn't believe that. What even was he? A toy soldier? No other personal relationship of his really lasted, everything he talked about was for the damn cause. She was his last tether and he failed at every opportunity to show her the truth. Why the fuck couldn't he just voice his thoughts correctly?
" Maybe I'd want you around my work more if you didn't have that resentful look in your eye. You think just like they all do, parroting what they all say. Look at your brother, Claire. I get the job done don't I? Ignore the corpses beside me, just look at the soldier. Ignore the man behind it, he doesn't exist, he's not worth the effort to get to know or listen to because he got himself into this life. You think you're not enough? Guess it runs in the family. I'm nothing but a gun and someone who fucks the people I love up. Someone who fails constantly to protect what I actually care about. So yeah, maybe the resentment I know you have for me is warranted, maybe I do want to send you away.. Maybe I don't want you around when I work... because... "
He stops, tears prickling his vision, and with a grunt he tosses the towel onto the counter, already beelining for the door. " Just go. I don't want to talk about this anymore. "
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I posted 6,975 times in 2022
That's 1,720 more posts than 2021!
937 posts created (13%)
6,038 posts reblogged (87%)
Blogs I reblogged the most:
@doctorstrangeaskblog
@elennemigo
@strangelock221b
@ben-locked
@fanartka
I tagged 6,332 of my posts in 2022
Only 9% of my posts had no tags
#stephen strange - 925 posts
#strangebatch - 699 posts
#benedict cumberbatch - 694 posts
#doctor strange - 679 posts
#doctor strange in the multiverse of madness - 627 posts
#fanart appreciation - 532 posts
#trials & tribulations of a writer - 288 posts
#defender strange - 275 posts
#beautifullystrange - 256 posts
#loml - 244 posts
Longest Tag: 140 characters
#at the end if the summer they used to give out tee shirts with that summer's theme on them to kids & adults alike - if you filled your sheet
My Top Posts in 2022:
#5
She Wore Gardenias In Her Hair - chapter one
a Stephen Strange x Female Reader fan fic
summary: It's an historic day for Stephen Strange, and those that know him best. His wedding day. It must've taken a very special woman to capture the heart of this Master of the Mystic Arts--let's see if the day turns out as romantic as his fiancee is hoping for. And if this once very confirmed bachelor finds the sort of happiness he'd never dared to dream could someday be his.
characters: Stephen Strange, Female Reader/Y/N, Wong, Cloak of Levitation, more to follow in future chapters
genre: pure, unadulterated romance
rating: general...for now 😉
word count: 2.6k
Stephen hadn’t gotten quite the full night’s rest that he’d been hoping for. Well before midnight, he’d seen you to the door of the suite your parents and sisters had taken for the holiday weekend and had lingered as long as he could before kissing you goodnight--tasting your sweetness one last time before the vows to come, which would change both your lives forever. Then he had opted to walk several blocks downtown towards Bleecker Street, just to take the time to reflect upon the momentous step he was about to take. One which Stephen had never imagined actually taking place, either in his old or new life. But one he knew now was as wonderfully inevitable as the fate that had brought him to Kamar-Taj--a broken man who, by virtue of his once unbearable misfortune, had discovered that his true vocation was unselfish service to humanity. Well worth the price of the loss of both his hands’ utility as a surgeon par excellence—as well as the loss of most of his petty vanities.
When convenient, he’d ducked into an unlit alley and portaled the rest of the way back to the Sanctum. Cloak, along with Wong-- who took his responsibilities as Best Man with dedicated relish-- had been waiting up for Stephen in the small study attached to the Sanctum Master’s rooms. In lieu of a bachelor party—the groom had flatly rejected the idea of such an event at the very first mention of such—but knowing Stephen’s educated taste for bourbon, Wong had managed to purchase a seven-year old bottle of Maker’s Mark Weller Special Reserve (certainly with the proceeds from his Shanghai fight club wins, Strange assumed). “A toast to the bride, my friend,” his fellow master told him, cracking the seal on the bottle and pouring out into two antique crystal tumblers that had been part of a gift to the New York Sanctum from Benjamin Franklin--whom history failed to report, had dabbled in a bit of magic himself from time to time.
“How you ever stumbled upon such a smart, gentle woman with a heart soft enough to tolerate your ego and overlook your usual rash behavior, remains a continual wonder to me,” he announced, and then chuckled warmly, slapping Stephen’s back for good measure, “But I’m damn glad you had wisdom enough to not look the Universe’s gift dumbly in the mouth, and took her up for all that she is worth!”
His glass still raised, Stephen nodded his head in unstinting accord. “I’ve never agreed with you more, Wong. As the most undeserving of men, I can only think I must have done something very right in my…” he framed his next few words in a one-handed air quote, “…‘in my youth or childhood’ to be given the mercy of her love. And I plan to give her every reason to stay by my side, every chance that I’m allotted.” He took a long quaff of the rich, amber fluid, enjoying the good burn as it went down.
“See that you do,” Wong grunted, before swallowing down his own.
Soon enough, Wong capped the bottle, telling Stephen he had promised you to make sure your fiancée’s sleep went uninterrupted; except for the most dire of emergencies, Wong would be taking up the mantle of Sanctum Master until the newlyweds returned from their too-brief honeymoon. Thus, he had practically ordered Strange off to bed, although Stephen was happy to oblige. He had already planned on meditating, hoping it would ease him into a night with dreams filled with only the best of things. With only you.
It wasn’t wedding jitters or a case of cold feet that had denied him his full rest. ‘Twas sweet anticipation of what had longtime been unthinkable for Stephen—pledging his heart in a lifetime commitment to a wonderful soul who understood him as no one in his past ever had and loved him without reservation despite the wealth of flaws he’d been working to overcome since he had had dedicated himself to protect and defend Earth as an initiate of the Mystic Arts. This night, his mind had wandered back to the lucky day he’d first seen you in Metropolitan General’s ER.
Stephen had been there to visit with Christine Palmer—their first face-to-face meeting since he had Blipped back into existence. Both their schedules had been hectic and overfilled. His with attending to shoring up the cascade of fissures in, and allaying the disruptions to, this reality’s stability, in the wake of his necessary tampering with the integrity of Space and Time to resurrect countless lives across the Universe. She with an overwhelming host of medical emergencies brought on by the sudden return of patients that had disappeared five years ago, mid need, and new ones created when those Lost tried to piece together their old lives in a world that had long since moved on. Watching Christine in action, confident, commanding, and compelling in her unique way, had left Stephen aching in places he hadn’t had time to even consider since his return. That old ache, which could never be satisfied, to be a doctor once again, and jump into the fray at her side. And the quiet ache of knowing that he had missed his chance to love her properly—as they both had deserved of him—and build themselves a life together.
Still, Stephen had hung back a while, envying the vital purpose of the doctors and nurses all around him. There were so many new faces since his tenure there had ended, some much younger and more fresh-faced then he ever remembered being throughout his internship and residency. A pretty, dark-haired nurse attending to a crying preschooler caught his eye. The little girl seemed to be lost, having apparently wandered in off the street. He found himself moved by how gently the woman took the child in hand and calmed her down, eventually making her giggles bubble forth amidst the hectic ER. There’s a special kind of magic in that, he remembered thinking; one I never mastered, nor even attempted. But this one makes it look effortless. Stephen had assumed correctly, that you had a background in pediatrics—and was doubly impressed when he went on to discover you were a board-certified midwife as well.
The next time he’d seen you, he’d stopped by the hospital cafeteria to grab a quick cup of coffee with Christine. Touching base only, for she had made sure that Stephen understood she was seriously involved with someone. She’d already been seated when he got there, with a large cup of coffee waiting for him, just the way she remembered he preferred—and was deep in conversation with the pretty nurse from that day in the ER. He ended up sitting opposite you, with his old flame making introductions, but having to dash off a few minutes later at the behest of her pager.
Left alone, the two of you had settled into a comfortable conversation, which went on longer than it felt—a good half hour until you had to excuse yourself to meet a laboring mother-to-be in Admissions. Before that, Stephen eventually mentioned having seen you with the crying child that afternoon—and you dared to ask if he was the Doctor Strange from the Avengers. The hero who had traveled through time to find the solution to set the world to rights. He’d been quite taken by two things at that first meeting: the honest respect in your eyes—not hero worship, but a smart appreciation for the work he did and the painful sacrifices you had intuited he had made in that arduous quest…and the pretty shape of your mouth. The easiness of your smile and the tender looking fullness of your lips. Lips that any man might speculate had been made especially for kissing. Even then, he’d been willing to wager your kisses would be as magical as your bedside manner with that young girl. So that as you rose to say goodbye, he couldn’t not ask for your number—eagerly hoping that you’d agree to see him again, and sometime soon.
Nineteen months later, you were practically living together, as well ensconced in his Sanctum quarters as in his life—and Stephen had never looked back. Not once. Your relationship had grown so naturally, and you had quickly acclimated to the magical aspects of life as a world-famous Sorcerer’s girlfriend, with your feet planted firmly in your work, and your arms ever ready to welcome him home from his extra dimensional travels and supernatural battles. You’d filled his heart with a happiness he had never anticipated could be his, and his bed with the warmth of being well and truly loved—and a passion that brought back the vigor of his youth. Forcing him to set warding spells to soundproof every room of his quarters; you might appear decorous to your patients and co-workers, but you sure knew how to let him know how much you loved him—and how very well he satisfied you.
For Stephen, your relationship was the one good thing that came out of The Blip. If not for those five years, you’d never have met—as you would still have been in training for your dual career. And likely with your age difference, he wouldn’t have given you a second look. The twelve-year gap was a helluva lot better than seventeen. You were mature enough to know what you wanted, without needing to compromise to get it. While being young enough to remind him that life didn’t come to one, hat in hand—one must pursue happiness with the gusto of youth, even with silver at one’s temples. As he had pursued you; as you had pursued one another.
Yes, the two of you were naturals together alright; your softness and compassion, your sly sense of humor and loving heart, the perfect fit with his sometimes snarky and tunnel-visioned angles and edges—and that the deep heart, which he had only come to realize was his since discovering the mystic arts, was most fulfilled when he was doing the right thing. No matter the personal cost.
It was your second Christmas Eve together when Stephen slipped a modest diamond ring upon your finger. By New Year’s Day, you’d set the date, and now it was here. Memorial Day weekend, late spring in New York City, a long weekend that would enable your far-flung family and friends to attend. Stephen’s guests were far fewer in number. Except for an estranged brother, he had no immediate family. He had never had the time or inclination to cultivate a coterie of friends in his old life, although those he’d made among his fellow Masters were loyal and true. He was glad to tailor the wedding plans to your needs, for your happiness had now become his own. Besides, Stephen firmly believed that he was getting the better end of the deal.
His trip down memory lane had soothed him enough to override the low-level beat at the back of his brain, which had grown more and more insistent in the past week. I’ve never been husband material…I’m too cocky and self-absorbed, too impulsive and sardonic, to be the life partner you deserve. And my life’s work now—it’s not at all conducive to domestic bliss. Not when I can’t say with any certainty where in the world, or worlds or dimensions, I’ll be at any given time—let alone the ordinary…tomorrow. Plus, he just couldn’t shake the overall feeling that he simply wasn’t good enough for you. Stephen knew very well how you would answer each of these justly arrived at estimations of himself, with a loving wisdom that dispelled his doubts and reservations as though there were as insubstantial as the ghosts of his past. Seeing himself through your eyes was the sole remedy that made him feel worthy of the love you offered him.
And so, sleep at last overtook him, and when Stephen awoke by habit, just a few minutes before his alarm, he couldn’t remember nodding off, but knew it was thoughts of you alone that had ushered him into his rest. Unlike habit, Cloak was hovering bedside, and even without the physical connection usually required for him to read its emotional state, Stephen could feel that its nerves were near as frayed—for his sake--as a typical groom’s on his wedding morn. “Everything’s going to be fine—I promise,” he chuckled as he swung his legs over the opposite side of the bed, “You know that. Besides, you’ll be with me the whole time, and no one besides Y/N and Wong will even have a clue.” Cloak approximated a nod, and then zipped over to the wardrobe, where Stephen’s suit hung waiting. “It’s hours until the ceremony—relax, please. Keep this up and you’re gonna make me nervous.” Cloak’s shoulders drooped a bit, and it floated over to the window, nudging aside the draperies to let in the sunshine and keep watch until Stephen would be suiting up for ceremony.
A knock upon his sitting room door spurred Stephen to grab his robe before padding over to answer it. He opened the door to find Adept Miriamme with a loaded breakfast tray. A vegetarian omelet, with sides of bacon and sausage, buttered toast, orange juice, and fresh coffee. He could smell the added chicory rising above the rest of the aromas, and his stomach rumbled. “Master Wong wanted to be sure you had a good breakfast, Doctor Strange,” the timid Miriamme squeaked, and Stephen had to refrain from chuckling again. The new initiates seemed to be getting younger and younger these days—or was he simply getting older?
“Thank you, Adept,” he told her, motioning her to put the tray on the end table beside the two-cushion sofa.
She nodded, looking very much in awe of finding herself in the Sanctum Master’s rooms, set it down and quietly headed to the door, before turning back. “Best wishes on the day, Sir.”
He grinned, “Thank you, Miriamme. It’s kind of you to say so.” She smiled back, looking a mite relieved her chore was done, and then left him to his breakfast.
Stephen was surprised at the hardiness of his appetite, grateful for Wong’s wise provision, and ate nearly every morsel--while realizing that the next meal he sat down to would be as a married man. So many firsts to come, so much to look forward to. And he planned to experience each of them to the fullest. Before his life in the mystic arts, he had sleepwalked his way through the simple joys and pleasures of life, always in pursuit of more spectacular things; of fame and accolades, and the considerable fortune that came with them. His vocation in the Mystic Arts had proven to him that a humble life of real service had so much more to offer than that of his medical career. While you had taught him that love—real, honest, head-over-heels, unselfish love—was the key to the exact happiness that had eluded him since he’d set out on his journey as an adult.
Enrapt in these pleasant musings, feeling the sweet butterflies of anticipation for all that he was gaining today, Stephen checked the time before jumping in the shower. He smiled to himself as steam filled up his bathroom, knowing that his wedding gift to you would be delivered soon. Imaging the beautiful smile that would light your lovely face once you finally opened it.
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215 notes - Posted April 25, 2022
#4
MCU Stephen Strange as a Dad:
with Peter Parker/a son:
He’s sometimes gonna be a hardass because he knows how much potential Peter has, and he wants to nurture that for when he’s not around to look after him--but most of the time Stephen tries to calmly reason with him. He admires Peter’s big heart, especially because it couldn’t have been easy having lost his parents so young, and then his father figure, Uncle Ben, and his mentor, Tony Stark.
And when The Kid does the right thing, all on his own (which Stephen quickly realizes is as natural to the young man as his brown eyes and fair skin)--and even more when he surpasses Stephen’s expectations--Dad!Strange is so flipping proud of his boy, to the point where he’ll get all choked up and instructs his son ‘just don’t tell Wong about this, he’ll never let me live it down’.
with America Chavez/a daughter:
Stephen would start out all ‘okay young lady..’ and ‘you’re gonna get a stomach ache’ and ‘didn’t I try to warn you not to...’, but pretty soon he’d be all soft and doting and want to spoil her because she’s had a rough life, and he can see she’s much braver and stronger than she gives herself credit for. He’d be the Dad that waits up for her when she’s out late with her friends/gf, but pretends to be asleep in his chair when she comes home a few minutes past curfew, letting her believe she got away with it, while he’s just happy she’s home safe and tried her best to respect his wishes. He’d love to accompany her to the Father-Daughter dance, but only if she asks without any prompting, because to suggest it himself would be very uncool.
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247 notes - Posted May 26, 2022
#3
Here is a Stephen strange prompt for you that I wrote down for my one shots thought it would be cool to see your writing for it. "Broken Cup" reader or character a coffee shop worker sees Stephen with his shaky hands struggling with the cup and he drops it breaking it. Or could be them two alone at home when she hears the cup break.
Hope you have fun dear!
I wrote this part before I got really sick--though it doesn't contain an actual broken cup, the spirit of it's there. Since I'm not sure when I'll feel up to finishing it, I figured I'd share what I already came up with. Hope you enjoy it @ravencatart xx
pairing: Stephen Strange x Female Reader
rating: wee bit of angst, mostly fluff
word count: 1.2k (so far)
His tremors were pretty bad today. She couldn’t help but notice-–and given the precipitous fall in temperature the past couple of days and the scent of the coming snowstorm in the air, she really wasn’t surprised. Because she’d been feeling it too. In the bones of both ankles, broken years ago and patched up with metal plates and multiple screws. And in scars of her own, which she painstakingly hid from the world, as they symbolized the weakest and most desperate time in her life.
Since mid-November, when the first serious frosts had settled over the Village, he had taken to wearing gloves with the fingers cut off at the second knuckle. She had guessed he chose to keep the ends of his fingers exposed to allow him better control in gripping things; it made sense that he would want direct contact with his skin to be certain he had objects well in hand. But even those gloves couldn’t hide the painful looking scars that ran the length of his fingers, and in the months since he’d been coming into the coffee shop (usually two or three times a week, and sometimes even four) whenever she got close enough, she made sure not to stare. It was more than common courtesy—her own scars, which she went to painstaking lengths to conceal, had taught her just how it felt to get the curious, and worse, pitying looks they summoned from strangers.
Silver Fox—that’s what she had named him, based not only on the white streaks of hair at his temples, but because he struck her as the embodiment of the word distinguished…and because he was the finest looking man she’d ever seen.
Looks that had a movie star quality about them. Cheekbones fine enough to out-pretty most super models. An endearingly crooked sort of smile, that started on the left corner of his mouth and—if he had reason to smile broadly--spread gloriously to fill his handsome face, like sunshine filling the sky after a sudden spring downpour. Plush lips, full and tender looking, like they were made for kissing, surrounded by a well-trimmed moustache and goatee. She often wondered how he managed that, with the way his hands trembled at times. Maybe he had a significant other who helped him with that; she knew he probably wasn’t married, as he wore no wedding ring.
And his eyes. Breathtaking, really. Pale, crystalline blue in the vivid sunlight that came through the plate glass window of the store front, though at times she could swear there were swirls of green and even gold in their depths. He seemed a keen observer of the world, like his exotic, mesmerizing eyes didn’t miss a trick. Sometimes she caught him watching her, and she always blushed, wondering if he discerned that she’d developed a wicked crush on him.
Today, Silver Fox had ordered a chocolate croissant (one of his favorites; he clearly had a sweet tooth) and instead of his usual black coffee laced with chickory, hot chocolate with a double shot of salted caramel. Elise—the new girl—had served it to him in a ceramic mug. She didn’t know any better, and apparently he hadn’t thought to ask for a disposable cup instead, as she herself would’ve known to fill out his order.
He had placed both palms around the mug, probably enjoying the heat of the beverage upon his damaged hands, and his eyes were closed, as though he was concentrating hard. She watched him take a deep breath and exhale hard, like he was bracing himself for a difficult task. And her heart went out to him as he lifted the mug barely an inch, lowering his mouth to the shaking beverage to take a single sip. That was never going to do. She just had to help him, somehow.
Without a moment’s hesitation, she set the slice of white cheddar-topped apple pie in front of another regular patron and turned without a word to grab one of the thick, cardboard to-go cups and filled it to the brim with the sweet chocolate, hit it with two shots of salted caramel, and then topped it with a generous spray of whipped topping, the finishing touch a drizzle of caramel over the cream.
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253 notes - Posted January 15, 2022
#2
Can someone please explain to me why my heart does a little lurch when I see him this way? I mean, I don’t even know 838 Stephen, and yet I love him and wanna protect and cuddle him.
What is this power that Stephen and so many of his Variants have over me? Is it the witchcraft of Benedict Cumberbatch? Or perhaps because my love for Stephen Strange has taken on a life of it’s own?
259 notes - Posted May 12, 2022
My #1 post of 2022
For the Stephen Strange x Female Reader prompt: how about a cute fluffy little thingie where the question comes up whether Cloakie ever needs to get into the washing machine?
I hope you find this cute & fluffy, Nonny. Thank you for the prompt, it feels good to stretch my writing muscles, and I'm hoping it helps get me in the writing groove again!
pairing: Stephen Strange x Female Reader, established relationship
characters: Stephen Strange, Reader/Y/N (also a practitioner of the Mystic Arts), Cloak of Levitation
rating: general audience, fluff with undertones of mutual longing
word count: 1.5K
You had left Stephen to sleep in this morning. As happy as you were to have him safely home at last (and having proved both your relief and delight to him three times in all, throughout the very delicious, velvet dark of night) you had awakened to watch him sleeping peacefully (his battle wounds already on the mend from the healing spells you’d cast when he finally stumbled through the portal from Crete), and had resolved to make him take some much deserved downtime for at least a day or two.
And so, you had silently slipped from his bed, loathe to leave his warmth behind, but fully intent upon spoiling him rotten in even the most mundane ways. Sorcerer Supreme he may be and a heroic, selfless servant to humanity, but he was still a flesh and blood man, and he deserved every ounce of the love and attention you planned to lavish upon him. You soon had his favorite, non-magical, breakfast foods prepared and left warming in the oven for once he was awake.
Next, you had gathered his discarded, slightly bloodied but heavily battle-singed tunic and leggings from the bathroom floor (where they’d fallen when you’d peeled them off of him the night before) for a thorough laundering, and once they were clean and dry, you worked the restoration spell yourself, instilling each magical stitch with protective charms and all the love that bloomed anew within your heart each day you were blessed enough to call yourself his woman. Though Cloak was in obvious need of a good washing too, it had flitted off the very moment that Stephen had let himself sag into your arms, and you hadn’t seen a flash of it since. You decided to track it down later, determined to relieve its Master of that chore as well.
Tiptoeing into his bed chamber, you found that Stephen had flipped onto his stomach, his arms tucked beneath his pillow and the sheet nestled around his waist—so that you went all soft inside, biting your lip against a longing sigh at the sight of his warm, inviting flesh. His broad shoulders that carried so many thankless responsibilities. His perfectly toned expanse of back, marked here and there with battle scars, which ever drew your loving attention, as though you would give him the sweetest, most gentle gratitude, which an unknowing world owed him for the protection he provided it. Aye me, you thought; the lover’s sigh of Juliet often came to mind when you looked upon his beautiful form, amazed in knowing that his heart belonged to you as much as yours did to him.
“I can feel you watching me,” he mumbled into his pillow, his sleepy voice so rich and deep that a thrill ran through you and settled in your solar plexus. You had to tighten your grip on the laundry basket, defying the sudden urge to jump his bones.
“I wasn’t sure if you were awake yet,” you tried to reason, blushing as much from the fib as from the spark of desire he had conjured without even trying. “I didn’t want to disturb you, darling…”
Stephen gave a sinful sounding groan, and with some effort and a wince or two, turned onto his back. Obviously, he was still feeling the effects of his struggle to cast a trio of immature Lamias back into the Shadow dimension from whence they had escaped; likely he needed another rubdown with the charmed salve you had treated his muscles with last night. “I was hoping you had every intention of disturbing me, honey,” he replied, smirking wickedly and patting the mattress beside him.
“Stephen,” you tutted, setting the basket with his clean robes on the foot of the bed. “You needed your rest, and…well…” you shrugged, looking away from the warmth of his gaze, trying to maintain a semblance of decorum, “…so I decided to…putter…”
His smirk grew into his trademark, shit-eating grin. “Putter?” he chuckled, “Pray tell, my saucy sorceress, how exactly did you putter?”
When he looked at you this way, it got harder and harder to concentrate on whatever task was at hand, let alone expressing yourself cogently. You knew for a fact that Stephen enjoyed how flustered you got when he turned on the charm, and how easily you turned to putty in his hands. You squared your shoulders, trying your best to keep your cool. “I’ve got breakfast keeping warm in the oven, and…I took care of your laundry…”
“You didn’t need to do that, honey,” he replied softly, sitting up and patting the bed again, looking touched by that modest tender of your affection. “I don’t expect you to take care of me that way, sweetheart.” Stephen reached his hand out to you, the heat of the moment quietly banking, as a sort of wonder filled his gentle blue eyes.
Of course, that was enough for you to take a seat and slip your hand into his. “I know you don’t, but…but I like taking care of you, darling. It makes me happy. And since I can’t be with you when you go into those…dangerous situations…” Tears prickled your eyes, but you blinked them back, remaining as resolute as ever to keep him from seeing how much you worried about him when you couldn’t be there to protect him even a little. “Since I can’t help you fight your battles, the least I can do is make your life…comfortable, and…well, worry free.”
He raised your hand to kiss your knuckles. “You already make coming home the best part of any day, honey. Which is the surest motivation for me to give whatever enemy I’ve gotta face, a swift and mighty kick in the ass.”
Though you rolled your eyes, you allowed yourself to take his loving assertion to heart, then leaned in to brush your lips to his, lingering as you asked, “So, um…you ready for some brunch?”
“Not until you’ve given me a proper good morning kiss,” he husked, and cupped your jawline in his free hand. At his prompting, you parted your lips, allowing Stephen to deepen your connection, well beyond what anyone would consider ‘proper’. You hummed contently when he finally released you, and then opened your eyes to catch him grinning as he teased you, “Yup- I’m definitely…famished…now.”
You gave a little shiver at the innuendo, considering it a promise of later satisfactions, and stood up to hang his sorcerer’s kit in the closet and put away the rest of his clean clothing. Stephen slid out of bed, clad in his comfiest pajama bottoms, and pulled a well-worn, gray cotton tee over his head. You caught a flash of red out of the corner of your eye, as Cloak ducked its collar just inside the doorway. Noting your attention, it zipped away, leaving only a swirl of air in it’s wake, while you called after it, “Hey! I was looking for you this morning. You’re due for a good wash up before you leave the Sanctum again.”
Stephen came up behind you and planted a kiss just beneath your ear, while sliding both arms around you. “Yeah, not a good idea, sweetheart,” rocking you gently, “Unless you’ve got a degree in cat-herding I don’t know about…”
“I’m sorry- what?”
His breath tickled the sensitive skin of your neck as he chuckled, and you felt his amusement in the soothing vibrations of his chest against your back. “I discovered early on that Cloak prefers to see to its own…maintenance. Except when it’s experienced some kind of physical damage that requires magic—or a tailor—to repair…”
“Seriously?” You wondered for a moment if your boyfriend was teasing you again.
“Absolutely,” he assured you, “For some reason I haven’t been able to decipher—since it’s an open book about everything else—Cloak is a creature of privacy when it comes to…bathing.”
You had to giggle at that. “And I suppose it prefers to shower when you’re not around?”
“God, no,” he laughed, urging you into the hallway and on the way to the third-floor kitchen, where brunch awaited, “Once we’re out of the way, Cloak is gonna indulge in a good, long soak in my bathtub. So, we need to steer clear of my chambers for, um…about an hour…”
You smacked his shoulder lightly, “Now you are teasing me!”
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654 notes - Posted January 9, 2022
Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →
#tumblr2022#year in review#my 2022 tumblr year in review#your tumblr year in review#I HOPE PEOPLE WILL CHECK OUT MY TOP POSTS (beneath the cut) AS 3 OF 5 ARE FICS#in this year of extended writer's block I'd like to show I accomplished something#trials & tribulations of a writer
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HuntJay Texts (Friday)
Hunter: 😍I’m Hunter Clarington and believe me the pleasure is all mine.
Hunter: I adore you too. I know it’s not always easy or comfortable but then I think the end effect could be losing you and I really don’t want that either.
Hunter [deleted]: Please don’t fall in love with someone else.
Hunter: You love with everything you have, while your immediate circle has been the same, life and experience has told you the world is not. You’re dating someone who’s experience has been quite the opposite. I think it’s understandable that you sometimes have concerns. But yes I think it’s wonderful that you don’t want to hold anything back with me. Maybe I could learn from you here. I keep thinking about how to be worthy of you but as long as it’s you and me, for you and me, I think we’re going to be okay.
Hunter: If I come to SF for the holidays maybe we can find a beach there and do just that.
Hunter: Those are all good ideas. I’ll see what works best. I used a couple of extra days after thanksgiving since I thought I wouldn’t be going to Paris and knee jerk reaction after the break up was that I’d need to find somewhere else to live. But we do get a substantial time off.
Hunter: Good, that’s the plan.
Hunter: The point is that I’m not bringing you back to the penthouse. Not while we all adjust to this. As for my office. Let me butter up Catie and send her on a nice leisurely lunch when I can lock the door and not worry about her key.
Hunter: I’m not a big nickname guy either. Kind of didn’t like them really; until Seb. Funny how he does that huh? You are the only one who would ever admit to seeing me beautiful like that Jay. I think it’s the most fitting.
Hunter: Or one of us goes with him. Or — he calls Marc.😣
Jay: I'm waiting for Mattie while he's in Taekwondo and I must look like an idiot, grinning from ear to ear because I just got official confirmation that I now have this phenomenal, love of a man for a boyfriend. I feel like a teenager but oh well - I'm just so happy. Finding someone like you, in New York City, it's just a dream.
Jay: You honestly continue to amaze me. You don't think of yourself as someone who has a lot of facility with emotions but you're being so insightful of my fears. I appreciate you thinking about it like that.
Jay: The temptation is to say the cliché, that you're more than worthy, you're too good for me. But I think that's unhealthy. I think we should think of each other as exactly the same worth - not the same person (that would be weird), but the same kind of person - good, flawed, complicated. A fit for each other. You have nothing to be worried about - you're exactly what I've been hoping for.
Jay: Aw San Francisco beaches are cold even in the summer, and even in Santa Cruz, where the beaches are warmest, it would probably be too chilly. But we can find a firepit at the beach and see if snuggling by it will do.
Jay: You and Seb had the same knee jerk reaction about Paris, of course. 😕
Jay: When I had lunch with him yesterday it was quick but he actually seemed to be doing well. He had more energy, was smiling more. And he said he had a date, did he tell you? He didn't want to talk about the guy with me but he said it was just a coffee date and it was probably nothing. But I don't think so! 🙂
Jay: Glad you have the logistics sewn up on Operation Office Makeout Session. I appreciate you going to any trouble. We don't have to do it if you're not in the mood.
Jay: Ok, Beautiful. It /is/ the most fitting.
Jay: Oh let's not ruin this nice textversation by talk of Marc. He's never been a friend of mine, if that helps. Not really. He's always been nice to me, but we've just never "clicked."
Jay: [deleted] Also Seb wouldn't let him near me.
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looking through your AS doc ive had a bit of an "oh" moment... it explains me and my symptoms so well. i dont really know what to do next, because i have a feeling going through the nhs is going to get me nowhere.
one question: do you know if theres a link between RA and AS? my grandmother had RA and i was wondering if there could be a familial/ genetic link or if its just chance
(thanks so much for your info on AS!!!!)
:)
thank you so much, i’m so so glad it’s been helpful for you!! i actually have the unique experience of going through both the us american healthcare system and the NHS due to studying abroad, so this was my experience:
US (note that i had a really good rheumatologist, my gf looked at reviews for every doctor in the state)
i & my doctor thought from my symptoms i had AS
diagnostic blood tests for ESR, CRP, HLA-B27, RF, ANA, complete blood count, complete metabolic panel
pre-medication blood tests for hepatitis A & C, HIV, tuberculosis
urine panel
chest x-ray
MRI of spine and SI joint
after getting these tests and while waiting on results, my rheum put me on 20mg prednisone daily for a week.
results: elevated ESR outside normal range, elevated CRP within normal range, low vitamin D. everything else was normal. negative x-ray; MRI showed herniated disk but not inflammation.
because my bloodwork showed inflammation and the prednisone helped my pain and fatigue, my rheum said my pain was definitely inflammatory, diagnosed me with AS, and prescribed me Humira. i started out with injections every other week and then increased to weekly after 3 months when i still had a lot of pain in other joints. occasionally received short-term 20mg prednisone daily during flares.
NHS
got set up with a GP in mid-September, had appointment in early October for referral to continue Humira. they referred me urgently and because i already had an AS diagnosis and had been on 20mg prednisone as-needed before, they gave me some prednisone for flares (although definitely not enough to last the wait time).
received a rheumatology appointment for February 4. they said they needed to confirm the diagnosis and put me on etoricoxib (NSAID not available in the US).
got switched to celecoxib (NSAID) after 9 days because the first med didn’t do anything and gave me bad side effects (GI upset, vertigo). new med was not very effective but helped slightly and didn’t give me side effects.
blood tests for CRP, HLA-B27, hepatitis A & C, HIV, tuberculosis. chest x-ray; MRI of spine and SI joint. same results as before.
i received a phone appointment in April and they said because there wasn’t inflammation in my MRI, i was in remission and any pain i was experiencing was “leftover” from previous inflammation, but i was no longer inflamed. this was obviously bullshit because i was in the worst pain of my life and wholly unable to function. they kept me on celecoxib and referred me to physical therapy, and didn’t do anything else. i survived until i got back to the US by taking prednisone that i acquired extralegally.
so you could either try to go through the NHS and be prepared to go private later if you didn’t meet their strict diagnostic criteria (they follow the NICE guidelines) or fundraise etc to go private without going through the NHS if the waitlist was too long. personally i think it’s worth considering going through the NHS until you’ve gotten imaging and bloodwork so you don’t have to pay for that, but it depends on your time-sensitivity. i also don’t know how common it is for private UK doctors to contradict the NHS in their diagnosis.
we don’t know enough about how AS and RA work to know how they might be connected, just that certain things (mainly rheumatoid factor versus HLA-B27) are associated differently, but seronegative RA is definitely possible as is HLA-B27— AS. as with the overlap between a lot of autoimmune diseases, some people have both AS and RA, although if the true rate of comorbidity is known i haven’t been able to find it. anecdotally my grandmother had RA, too!
thank you again and best of luck to you 💕💕 feel free to send me another ask or DM me if there’s anything else i can help with!
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When they make you cry
pairings: Hawks x Reader, Dabi x Reader, Bakugou x Reader, Aizawa x Reader, Izuku x Reader, Tamaki x Reader
Tamaki, Bakugou and Hawks are in a female!reader perspective, the rest of them are Gender Neutral
warnings: angst to fluff
masterlist
Hawks will get cocky, laughing in your face when he sees your shocked expression.
Both of you were going at each others throats, spitting insults to one another, just your recent daily routine.
Now Hawks knew you were a tough gal, which in his head made it alright for him to strike a really painful nerve into your chest.
As you remained speechless he turned around, a winning smirk plastered on his lips.
Just as he took a few steps forward, sobs wrecked your body as you hid your face in your hands.
"I d-don't think I can take this anymore Keigo" your broken voice reached his ears.
A pang of guilt pierced his chest once he turned around to face you.
He did this. He made you cry. He completely drained your happiness out. He hurt you.
His teeth dug into his lip, his eyes stinging as tears picked at them.
At that point, he didn't give two shits about who's right and who's wrong, his arms reaching for you and wrapping themselves around your shaking form.
He held you there for a while, listening to your cries that gradually turned into soft sniffles against his chest.
"I-" He opens his mouth but his words remained stuck at his throat.
"I don't want us to end..." you mumbled, your own words throwing you into another sobbing fit.
"We won't end here kid, I've got you...shit...I'm a fucking idiot...of course we won't end sweetheart...c'mon look at me" he raised your chin up gently, looking into your red eyes.
"I'm sorry, fuck I'm sorry...not just for today, for every day before this, I-, God... don't leave kid, p-please"
You stared at his face, tears now streaming down his cheeks as his grip on you tightened.
You swallow the lump in your throat, grabbing his hands in yours.
"Something has to change Keigo...I miss you...we've been distant for months. Sometimes you don't even come home to me, do you know how that feels?"
"I know, I know, I swear... I miss you too. I'll tell you about everything I promise. Let's go home please."
You hesitantly nod, putting your heart on the line for the last time.
And now looking back, you're glad you did.
//quirk: flesh manipulation (the reader can manipulate the molecules in a person's flesh just by touching it, making them useful mid-battle to make the other heroes ready to fight again in a matter of seconds, but also making them a threat to their enemies )
If there was one thing he despised about you, it was your guts.
Hell curse him for falling in love with someone so stubborn.
To live through a relationship with Dabi meant that you had to have though skin. You had to be strong enough to bite your cheeks and endure the issues that people in regular relationships never face.
He enters your home, covered in bruises and cuts, asking for your first aid kit.
You sigh to yourself, your usual nagging and yelling never reaching his ears.
You place the first aid kit onto your bedside table, turning your back to him, tiredly walking out of the room.
"Hey-" his voice calls out to you, quiet and confused.
You close the door behind you, making your way to your couch.
One of these days it'll be the last time he walks into your home, the last time you help him clean his cuts and the last time you hear his voice.
The weight of uncertainty pulls at your chest harder with every passing day.
He chose to continue living like this, he is the one that keeps ruining his own life, it's his ambitions that are making you this miserable.
Once he patches himself up, he sits on your bed for a while. Your silance meaning one thing and one thing only. You finally realized how pointless being with him is, you finally got it through your thick skull that he's nothing special to dwell about.
Time passes by quickly, a few hours already gone yet he's still glued to the same spot, not having the strength to leave your room, too scared to face your rejection once he gets out.
He should be happy for you, you won't be hurting anymore, you'll be able to find someone better.
He slowly twists the knob, taking slow steps through your living room.
You are laying on your couch, tear stains on your face and a tissue crumbled in your hand.
His chest tightenes at the sight. You cried yourself to sleep. He wonders... how many times did you cry over him? How many times would you just lay here as he carelessly roamed the streets?
He should leave...he should spare you the pain he brings. You were the only good thing in his life and by continuing this he'll ruin you, piece by piece.
You showed nothing but kindness to him, you made him realize that some people are worth getting close to, you being a hero also making his resolves shake under his feet.
He stretched his arm out to your cheek, careful not to wake you up.
He left a soft kiss to your temple before leaving your house.
-----
You woke up to a persistent ring of your doorbell.
You felt terrible...your hair was a mess, your nose was all clogged up and your eyes burned from all the crying.
You opened your door with annoyance, mad at whoever decided to burst your sadness bubble.
"Hey doll, I would've let myself in but my hands are kinda busy"
Your boyfriend stood there with a backpack on his shoulder and a carton box in his hands.
"So...do you happen to have a room to spare for a year or two...maybe three?"
You stare in disbelief your hand covering your mouth.
"I know that me being a villain might be a setback but...I got some hair dye? I might even consider letting you fix my jigsaw face."
Your body crashed into his, the box dropping to the ground as you squeezed your arms around him.
Maybe he can make you as happy as you make him.
You knew he was rough around the edges, but you never even imagined that you would be the one his rage would be directed at.
As soon as insults came crashing your way you left the room.
You were just trying to calm him down, placing your hand on his shoulder as you urged him to stop shouting and just let it go.
His rough hands grabbed yours, throwing your hand away like you were a mere fly, his quirk burning your skin.
You tried calling out to him just for him to snap around and scream at you.
Once you reached your dorm tears freely rolled down your cheeks.
You yearned for a normal relationship, longed for some peace and quiet just for a week or two.
Yet you just couldn't let the blonde go, always hoping for some miracle to come your way and take ahold of his ego.
--------
It's around 2 am and he can't fall asleep for the hell of it.
You're not picking up his calls nor answering his texts and you've been inactive on social media for hours.
Kirishima has been urging him to go to your dorm for two hours already, spamming him massages about him not being manly enough to win you back.
It's not like he doesn't want to, he just has no idea how to. Should he get you something? Get you some food and flowers? Where the fuck can he find all these things at 2 am? Isn't that how people in movies apologize or something...
He hates when you're mad at him, he is scared shitless of actually scaring you off and pushing you away.
A knock at your door snaps you out of your thoughts and a small flame of hope warms your heart for a split second as you make your way to your door.
He's holding a gray hoodie and a pair of bento boxes.
"That's not gonna fix it Katsuki."
"I know shitty woman you didn't even give me a chance to speak!"
You're sure that that's the first time Bakugou said the word "sorry" in his whole life.
The way it rolled off his tongue was shaky but somewhat determined, his hand grabbing ahold of yours gently.
Guilt was evident on his face as he stroked the bandages covering your hands.
"It's not that bad Katsu, and I understand that it was an accident." you mumbled trying to pull from his grip so he can focus on something else.
He grabbed ahold of your wrists, bringing your palms to his lips.
"I'll work on it, I promise. It'll never happen again. I mean it." you just give a soft nod, leading him to the table.
"Good. Now let's eat, breakfast is the most important meal of the day!" you cheered, opening the bentos and stuffing your mouth with rice.
"Y/N...it's 4 am."
"Exactly, now eat, you're not gonna let me eat all of this by myself?!"
For this man, it was close to impossible to make his s/o cry.
He cherishes the relationship he has with you, making you feel special every single day at a time.
So when he sees you crying, he's confused and alarmed.
He reaches for you, trying his best to give you the comfort he thinks you need.
When you push his hands away and scream at him...Oh boy...
He's terrified.
Did he do something? Did he forget your anniversary? Your birthday? Did he eat your snack from the fridge??
You're pulling at the strands of your hair, your head buried into your knees as you sob.
He looks around, eyes widening when he sees a photo of himself and some girl kissing on the screen of your phone.
He wasn't there? He has proof! He was in a meeting! All of his colleagues could confirm that, he just needs you to listen! Please listen to him.
He's talking...blabbering...begging for you to just look at him.
As soon as you look up for a split second, he's hugging you, smothering your face in kisses as you weakly try to push him away.
Finally he leans his forehead against yours, letting out a long sigh of relief when he realizes that you're not crying anymore.
"Please Shouta, please, if you even have any respect for me, don't lie to me." you mumble out coldly, turning your head from him.
"Y/N, I would never, ever do that to you! Never! I love you so much, please, you have to know that, you do know that!"
You're too stubborn, but he calls all of his colleges one by one, putting them on speaker for you, asking about the time of the meeting or details of the meeting and they all have the same answer.
So now, your throat is dry and there's a lump in your throat, guilt eating at you as you try to apologize.
He couldn't give two shits about any of that, all he has to know is that you're okay and that you're still his.
He's not letting you go for the rest of the day, you're wrapped under the blankets with him as he makes sure you never believe the bullshit you see online.
"Sweetheart if I ever cheat on you, that's the day I cut my own dick off and bleed to death."
It makes you giggle and then laugh hysterically and he's just looking at you with the biggest heart eyes 🥺
Izuku would never do anything to make you cry.
He pays attention to every single detail in your relationship and he especially pays attention to your feelings.
What he is really bad at, is taking care of himself.
He doesn't take in consideration how you feel when he comes home all stitched up and tired, or how he stays up late to train and push himself further than his body can take.
However one day, he is exhausted from his training and he barely has any strength left. His phone rings and he is rushing out the door, already panting.
You don't reach him in time to stop him, so here you are, hours later next to his hospital bed.
The villain wasn't too powerful, but his state caused him to pass out in the middle of the bettle field.
As soon as he wakes up, you're yelling at him, but at the same time sobbing against his chest.
"I can't just stand here and watch you hurt yourself Zuku... I can't, I can't, I can't....O-one of these days you're just gonna slip away from my hands, I can't. Please" You're grip on him softens as you loose the strength in your hands.
His arms wrap themselves around you, trying his best not to flinch as you rub against his bandages.
His eyes are watering, realization dawning on him as he holds your tired body against him.
You're right...He sees the state of himself after a lowlife villain with a pathetic quirk sent him into the hospital. He doesn't even want to think about what would've happened if there was someone much stronger out there.
"Hey Y/N...I-...I might take a week off, to rest yeah? Does that sound good?"
You nod, wiping away the tears as you sniffle.
"And you won't be training at night anymore. And you won't be staying up late!" you scold as he rubs your cheeks.
"I won't. I promise." he places a kiss at your temple, pulling you onto the hospital bed next to him.
"Let's sleep for a bit yeah? I might owe you a few hours..."
You're crying, he's crying.
He's down on one knee and he's stuttering, his hands shaking as he hears you cry out a happy "Yes".
He barely gets the ring on your finger, burying his head into your neck as soon as he gets to his feet.
You always thought that he was going to propose to you at home, maybe some homecooked dinner with roses and candles. You didn't mind that option either.
You were surprised that he even suggested a walk in the park.
I mean, it was a really small park with little to no people in the area but it was beautiful nonetheless.
You're all giddy and happy as he takes your hand in his, his eyes always glancing at the ring on your finger.
Once you spot an ice cream stand you leap in happiness, rushing to get ice cream for the both of you.
The lady selling it smiles brightly at you.
"Is that the lucky guy?" you nod grabbing your icecream as Tamaki hides behind you.
"Good job sweetheart, you're making this lady very happy, I can feel it in my old bones" you laugh at her remark as you nudge Tamaki forward.
She hands him his ice cream and winks at him.
He's blushing and thanking the lady before running off to an empty bench.
”He’s a lil’ shy but he's got the spirit” you say to the lady as you rush off to get him.
You take the time to really study the ring, the beautiful blue crystal shining in the sun.
”I...I hope you l-like it...Nejire helped me out. Uhm I probably shouldn't have said that...S-she-"
"I like it Tama...I love it actually" you place a gentle kiss just at the corner of his lips, his hands grabbing your cheeks and kissing you deeply in return.
His cheeks are warm and his lips are slow against yours but you melt against him, letting him place you in his lap.
"Oh my God, I have a fiancé, oh my God, I have to call Mirio and tell him you said yes. You said yes, right?"
You laugh as you shake your head at him, playing with his hair as he fumbles with his phone.
All of the pictures are from the original anime/manga (please do correct me if I'm wrong in the comments below)
The Tamaki one has no angst in it because I had to heal from all of the emotional rollercosters.
___________
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#hawks x reader#dabi x reader#aizawa x reader#izuku x reader#tamaki x reader#bakugou x reader#keigo takami x reader#touya x reader#bakugou headcanons#bakugou katuski x reader#izuku midoria x reader#tamaki fluff#hawks x you#hawks fluff#dabi fluff#aizawa fluff#izuku fluff#bakugou fluff#hawks imagine#dabi imagine#izuku imagine#bakugou imagine#tamaki imagine#mha#bnha#mha fanfiction#villan x reader#gender netural reader#gn reader
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