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sidhewrites · 7 months

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Eighteen! Things are happening and I've completely lost my grip on the pacing of this thing. BUT i have so many notes on what I want to fix in the rewrite. I hope you enjoy eldritch ghost locations, because I had too much fun with this one even if it may not make it into the final draft.

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Josie still has her nametag on when she bursts into the apartment, out of breath and sweaty to find me sitting on the floor of the living room, holding a can of cat food and a cat brush. I don't know why I picked them up, but I didn't know what else to do. I couldn't sit still, watching Renfield toddle around like his usual thoughtless self. I recognize his movements -- the way he lifts his head, the way he swishes his tail while sniffing a bit of floor. But he looks completely different now, a pale grey cat with yellow eyes and colorless paw pads. It doesn't match. I don't know what to do.

"I'm here," she says. "Tell me everything."

I'd already babbled to her semi-coherently over the phone, but it's somehow grounding to recount it again. It makes me feel slightly less crazy, saying it to her directly rather than yelling to a faceless voice over the phone. "Cat -- cat's here." I point at the bathroom, door shut tight.

Renfield lays down behind it, one paw stuck out under the door miserably. But he's making his normal sounds. There's some snuffling and mournful peeping, but no talking. Nothing to worry about anymore.

"Cat was at the vet. You saw. We gave cat to the vet. I think cat killed the vet, maybe? Now cat here." There's no telling how grateful I am that she believes me. I sound insane, and I probably look just as bad, hair unbrushed and falling in my face, eyes red.

But Josie just pushes my hair out of my face and directs me to a chair before shoving a cup of water in my hands. "Drink," she says.

I obey.

While I sip tap water, Josie scrolls through her phone. After a moment, her shoulders droop, and she turns it around for me to see. Sure enough, a vet tech was found dead in a 24 hour animal hospital. The culprit was feline, having left claw marks and easily-identifiable bite marks in the tech's skin.

"Oh god..." I breathe, and spare a glance at the bathroom door. Renfield's still there, miserable and alone. Then, after a second, his whining stops. He retracts his paw, and his shadow adjusts under the door as he sits up.

A man's voice clears his throat. I swallow hard as the shadow paces back and forth behind the door and pauses, likely considering the possibility of turning the door knob.

After a moment, he paces again, and then sits down. There's a subtle shift in the air, something lightens, and Renfield starts to chirp again, confused and sad. He knows what the bathroom is, but he doesn't like being in there when the door's closed. It breaks my heart to hear him crying, but I don't dare let him out. Not while Magnus is still possessing him.

"What do we do?" I ask.

"I don't know." She frowns, eyes on the door. After a moment, two little paws stick out, scrabbling for something to grab. "Exorcism?"

"Does that work on ghosts?"

She shrugs. "I don't know."

"Do you...I don't know, do you have some kind of book? Some magic spell or something to banish him?" I feel like an idiot asking for a literal magic solution, but I don't know what else to do. I'm desperate, and I'm scared.

"I might. I don't know. Maybe..." She purses her lips, trying to think. "I might have something. But I don't know anything about banishing ghosts from cats. Mostly I just know how to talk to them, and I'm not even that good at that."

"We have to do something."

She sighs, rubs her neck. "I think...I might. I'll check."

"Should I go with you? Can I help?" I'm desperate to distract myself. I can't sit around doing nothing.

After a moment, Josie shrugs. "Maybe the Librarian has something. It's a long shot, but..."

"I'll go." I don't even hesitate. Ms. Lark is supposed to know everything, according to some legends. I don't know if they carry any weight, but it's worth it to try.

"Okay. Good luck."

While Josie goes home to look through her personal library, I head to campus, giving the graveyard a wider berth than usual. The sun shines overhead, half-hidden behind late October clouds, and the air is pleasantly cold. It's almost nice out, despite everything. All the same, there's no helping the sudden dread as soon as I walk through the Sutton Public Library doors, but I've got a strong feeling it may just be Ms. Lark sizing every visitor up to see if they'd be trouble or not.

I try to give Carter my best smile as I pass the front desk, just in case he recognizes me as the weirdo from a week ago who was so totally doing a biography project for school and not anything weird about some dead guy from 200 years ago. He watches me make a beeline for the stairs, which does nothing to help my I'm-super-not-suspicious-or-doing-anything-weird vibe, but doesn't say anything as I head down to the basement.

It's just as creepy as always. Maybe even more so, now that we're getting so close to Halloween. I imagine that even librarian ghosts are affected by the veil between this life and the next, or whatever it is that keeps them incorporeal. Unseen eyes seem to bore right through me, judging me and finding me wanting. Always wanting. Never good enough.

I choose not to take it personally.

"Hello?" I call out, wandering through the rows and rows of shelves. "Ms. Lark?" When no answer comes, I venture further into the stacks. The room seems larger than when I was last here, older and and a more ominous, with a strange aura emanating from the old lights. They've got to be decades old by now, miraculously still burning with an eerie yellow glow that seem to deepen the shadows.

I suddenly feel very alone, and very small.

Rubbing one of my still-bandaged forearms, keenly aware of how itchy they are, I make myself go further in. Soon enough, the door to the stairwell is too far away to see over the shelves, and it leaves me feeling stranded in a sea of filing boxes. "Hello?" I call out again. "Ms. Lark? Ruby Lark? Miz Ruby? Ruby Tuesdays? Ruby-Doobie-Doo? Would you come out for a Ruby snack?"

She would, as it turns out, come out for a Ruby Snack. Right as I reach the end of the aisle, she appears out of the darkness, a pale woman standing tall and disapproving next to a reshelving cart that has no reason to be down here. I don't recognize the language of the book in her hands, opened to a page of ornate hand-written text. It looks old. And she looks unhappy.

"Hello!" I say, instead of shrieking, because I am trying to be polite. It comes out louder than I mean it to, however, and I clear my throat, and try again in a whisper. "Sorry. Hello. Hi. How are you?"

Ruby says nothing, but she raises a very expectant and unimpressed eyebrow.

"Right. Don't like people. Got it." I throw out finger guns, because I'm cool and calm in the face of danger and beautiful women. "So... look, hi. Thanks for helping out last week. Turns out the guy you found for us was the exact guy we were looking for. Long story short, he's possessing my cat and wants to then possess an innocent person's soul, and we don't want that to happen. Do you happen to know anything about banishing ghosts like that? We don't think a normal exorcism will work."

She looks at me like I'm an idiot, but that's probably just her neutral face. She's probably totally excited to help me out. No worries.

After a minute of being judged and found wanting, Ruby turns away from me, and I follow her down into the depths of the archives. Now I'm certain this room has grown. There's no way that we're under the library anymore, walking this far in a straight line. But I follow her, past rows and rows of old books and filing boxes, past flickering lights and shelving carts. I stop recognizing the letters on the ends of the aisles. Aa- to Ad- gives way to Greek symbols and geometric shapes, and then to shifting shapes I can't even begin to identify in the low light.

I can't help but wonder how far we've gone. It's couldn't have been more than five or six minutes since we started walking, and I'm completely turned around. There's no end to the room in sight.

"So...How far we going?" I say, but if Ruby hears me, she doesn't react. The silence makes my brain itch and my stomach twist around itself. "So during our research, I looked up more about you. I hope that's okay."

I take her lack of response as an affirmative.

"Anyway, there was a lot about your daughter's life. Jane Lark? I read that she left for a bigger city when she sold the library to the city, and she got married to a guy who -- I mean it doesn't really matter, but he had connections to a couple of scholars, and she wound up being an important researcher in reptile behaviorism. Her name was kind of lost to history, and most of her theories were kind of ignored until very recently, but she did a lot of cool stuff with lizards and snakes and things in the tropics. I don't know if anyone had told you that yet, but It was really cool to learn about."

At some time during my rambling, Ruby stops walking. She turns back, eyes glowing in the dim light. Then, after a moment, she smiles.

"Thank you," she says, and continues walking. I follow her as she turns the corner down another row of shelves, but she's gone. I'm alone in the ocean of books yet again, with no way to know which way has the exit.

A book pushes itself off the shelf and lands on the old wooden floor. It opens itself up and flips to a hand-written page with scribbled illustrations overlapping the text. It's hard to make out, but it looks like some sort of ritual.

In the moment it takes me to kneel down and pick up the book, the lights seem to brighten again, and the air sits lighter in my lungs. I look around again, moving quickly to the end of the aisle, and instantly spot the glowing green EXIT sign over the door to the stairwell.

It's barely fifty feet away.

"Thanks again," I say to the air, and waste no time getting out of there.

Carter turns the book over and over again when I hand it to him to check out. There's no barcode, no token, nothing for the scanner to pick up. Even when he opens it up and flips through the yellowed pages, there's not even a card tracking who checked out the book last.

"Is this book even in our system?" he asks, rifling again through the pages. "What is all this?"

"I don't know. The Librarian got it out for me."

"Which one? I'll have to ask them about it."

"The Librarian," I say, emphasizing the capital letter this time. I hold Carter's gaze, making sure he knows that I know exactly how insane this sounds, but also that it's absolutely and completely true.

[Ok well idk man just take it and bring it back.] "It's due in three weeks, I guess. Same as everything."

There's a tug in my gut as I pick up the book and tuck it under my arm. "Something tells me this one is due in two weeks."

"Yeah?"

"Just a feeling."

Carter isn't happy that I don't elaborate, but he lets me go into the late afternoon light, to possibly do black magic rituals on my cat.

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peninkwrites · 2 years

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A New Era - Ch 2 of 11

Bad and Ant find this all too familiar.

[CW: referenced past character death]

crossposted to ao3

Ch 1

Ch 3

Mafia AU masterpost

~ Bad ~

It’s been years since Bad has stepped into that office. It hasn’t changed. Unless the signs of a struggle count for something, but Bad can’t actually find much sign of Skeppy having occupied the space. The dark cherrywood panels to disguise the more brutal shell of the warehouse are still decorated by the same paintings Bad had put there years ago. Bad would’ve expected something a bit more flashy. A crystal sculpture, a chandelier, something. But it seems that Skeppy had left it intact. Bad can’t help but wonder if it was in the hopes of him coming back one day.

Bad rights the fallen desk chair. It doesn’t change the disarray caused by the blood on the floor. “Oh, Skeppy, what have you gotten us into…” He murmurs, brushing a hand against the armrest of the worn leather desk chair, knowing less than 48 hours ago Skeppy had been here, in reach. Maybe if he had never left, Skeppy would still be here.

Antfrost returns, hesitating in the doorway at the sight of his old friend looking so lost.

“Yes, Ant?” Bad says without looking up from the desk.

“I’ve sent out a few vines, just to scope things out. I haven’t told anyone the details yet. Just told them to ask around, see if anything suspicious happened around here last night,” Ant enters the room.

“Good, thank you, Ant.”

Ant is finding it hard to read Bad’s expression. He looks tired, but not much else. “How’re you… dealing, with everything?” He asks carefully.

“As well as I can be,” Bad remains calm, unfeeling. Ant knows him better.

“He’s valuable, Bad. If they just wanted him dead, they would’ve left the body behind,” Ant knows it isn’t especially comforting, but it’s the best he can do right now.

Bad exhales something almost like a laugh. “Right. Skeppy sure is valuable, huh?” This dry dulcet tone of his is familiar to Ant. It never means anything good. Not that Ant is concerned for himself, rather he knows Bad is already slipping in some way.

“Yeah, he is. And it’s been less than 24 hours. They want us to get scared before they issue demands,” Ant continues. It’s a pathetic consolation, but again, it’s all he has to give.

Bad takes a deep breath, closing his eyes for a moment, nails digging into the leather on the armrest. “What if– What if they–“

“What if they kill him to send a message?” Ant finishes for him, cold and sure.

Bad looks up at him, eyes wide, stricken and almost guilty even though Ant had been the one to voice the thought aloud, but they both had been thinking it. None of this is unfamiliar to them, they had shared the same terrible thought the moment they knew Skeppy was gone, and it had remained present and haunting ever since: Velvet.

Ant continues slowly, carefully, letting the grief that had remained alive and coiled inside of his chest instead unfurl into brutal conviction. “They haven’t sent a message yet, we can only assume they’re keeping him alive for a reason.” His words feel hollow and useless on his tongue. Last time, they had all believed it. They believed it for the days it took for Velvet to be returned to him. Ant knows they’re on the clock, a timeline unknown and out of their control. “And it doesn’t matter, because we’re going to get to him first.” Unspoken, but Ant knows that Bad understands: we’re not losing anyone else.

Bad nods once. “Okay… okay. We’ll get to Puffy first. Talk to her.”

“Yeah, I've had one of ours get in touch with someone down at the docks and… we’ll see if she gets back to us,” Ant sighs.

They can plan all they want, they can be as determined as they want, but the city is still big and complicated and full of too many corners to hide in. Even if someone had seen something, until they come forward the Badlands will remain at the mercy of others. Until an ultimatum or discovery is made by someone else.

“Until then, Ant,” Bad sits down at his old desk. “Tell me how things have been going without me, hm?”

“Good, actually pretty good,” Ant will indulge this distraction. “You know how we got into the police station? It’s because we… we had an arrangement with– you’re not gonna believe this, Ponk, who works for Schlatt. I mean, not anymore, the arrangement was so they could stop working for Schlatt, but they were definitely living dangerously already. Their boyfriend is the Police Captain. So, yeah, we got you what you wanted, but we also have been hearing everything the Captain complains about,” Ant can’t hold his wry amusement. “I think you remember the Police Captain, Bad.”

“Mhm, and how’s our old friend Sam holding up?”

“Considering how many favors it took for Ponk to buy protection for them both? Not as well as he could be,” Ant says with false pity. “We’ve been driving him crazy for weeks now. Ambushing officers, changing locations when they were getting too close, figuring out our own rats, fun stuff like that.”

“Hm,” is all Bad says, but it’s clear he’s approving. “Income?”

“The old classics, money laundering, the occasional blackmail,” Ant shrugs. “You know, getting that close of a source to the cops was… insanely powerful. And Skeppy gave it up. We could’ve broken into the station, you know. To get what you wanted. Easily.”

“And you would’ve been caught,” Bad says. He knows where this is going.

“Yeah. And the last thing you want is… a certain someone knowing the Badlands are interfering with the police,” Ant continues carefully, circling the room, eyes following the blood on the floor. “He did that for you, you know. Skeppy did.”

Bad knows Ant isn’t trying to hurt him. The opposite, in fact. Bad still feels like Ant is twisting the knife in an already raw wound. “I know.”

“I know Skeppy has… pretty much mastered being ruthless in your place–”

“He was always good at that, he didn’t need to fill my shoes, he was always a force to be reckoned with,” Bad murmurs.

“I know,” Ant says not unkindly. “But, despite all that ruthlessness, he really cares about you. A lot.”

Bad’s hands are balled into fists in his lap, he almost doesn’t want to speak for fear of his voice shaking and he also wants to tell Ant he is crossing a line but instead he just nods.

Ant is struggling to offer some comfort. “I know you didn’t want to come back, Bad. Especially not like this. But Skeppy knows you care about him too. And when we get him back, things can go back to the way they were, right?”

“Who said I didn’t want to come back?” Bad says, too calm, too mild tempered.

“Well, you did, right? You’re the one who wanted to… be better for Sapnap’s sake,” Ant hopes this doesn’t sound like an accusation.

“Exactly. For Sapnap’s sake,” Bad’s tone remains cool and level. “I never wanted to leave. This was my family, my home. I left because I had to, to get back into Sapnap’s good graces, sure,” Bad exhales a bitter laugh. “Hm. That hasn’t worked out so far, right? It’s only been… what is it now, five years since my retirement?”

Ant says nothing.

“No,” Bad continues. “Retirement doesn’t suit me, I think. And at this point, I think I’ll have a better shot of reaching out to Skeppy right now than Sapnap.”

Ant can’t say he disagrees.

Both of them almost go for their guns when the phone still on the desk starts to ring. They both relax a modicum, exchanging furtive glances. It continues to ring. Bad realizes it’s his to answer now. Bad picks up the phone, but he doesn’t say a word.

“It’s Punz.”

Bad isn’t sure if he should feel relieved or frustrated that it isn’t a ransome. “What is it? Skeppy?”

“No, Bad. I’m sorry. He’s definitely gone then?” Punz does sound genuinely concerned, but Bad doesn’t have the patience for his sympathies.

“Yes– What is it, then?” Bad says more sharply.

“It’s… I don’t know how much you know about this, but your cop informant just got taken in.”

“What?” Bad pulls back, nodding Ant over to listen in as well.

“Yeah. They’re at the station now. So, if they know something you don’t want the cops to know, might want to get them out. Looks like it was a rough arrest and I’m guessing it’s not getting any easier.”

Bad sighs. He doesn’t care about this right now, he knows he should. “Got it, thank you, Punz. We’ll… we’ll send a little something extra to your pay, alright?”

“I’ll accept, but you know that’s not why I told you. The Badlands have looked out for me, just thought I’d return the favor. Speaking of, I’ll keep an ear out for word on Skeppy,” a pause, weighted by static over the line. “I’m sorry, Bad.”

“Don’t be. We’ll take care of this. Thank you for doing what you did. Stay safe,” Bad hangs up before he can get any more sympathies. “So, this informant.”

“Ponk.”

“Yes, our old friend Ponk," Bad continues. "They’ve been arrested. I guess Sam's new moral compass is just as sticky as I remember. What do they know about what we got from the police station?”

“Uh, not much,” Ant thinks back carefully. “But… they could mention working for the Badlands. That would be enough to…”

“Get Sapnap to put his guard back up, yes,” Bad feels a headache forming. He hasn’t missed this part of the job at all. “Alright, I will stay here, keep looking, see who I can get ahold of. I wouldn’t ask if it weren’t urgent, but there aren’t many people I trust with this, with getting that close to Sapnap, and…” Bad sighs. “Would you keep an eye on them at the station? If they get let out too soon, you’ll know what to do.”

Ant nods grimly. “How far?”

“Try not to kill them. Unless it’s obvious they snitched. Play it carefully. Let’s not be too hasty, alright?” Bad says generously.

“Got it. I’ll check back in later,” Ant still hesitates. “Are you gonna be okay here alone?”

“What?” Bad glances up at him, still surprised. “Well, if whoever attacked Skeppy comes back for more, that would be ideal, wouldn’t it? Be nice to know who we’re up against here.”

Ant laughs dryly. “Alright, fair enough. Just… take care of yourself, Bad.”

“You too, Ant.”

Bad is once again alone in his– and then Skeppy’s and now his again– office. All that’s left out of place is still the blood on the floor. Bad gives himself this moment to press his forehead to the cool surface of the desk. He forces himself to breathe.

“We’re not losing our best friend, m’kay?” He speaks softly, eyes still closed. “We’re going to save him. And we’re going to destroy whoever did this.” Bad laughs, his voice almost distorted pressed against the wood. “Betcha Skeppy will like that part.”

#my writing #mafia au #THIS IS SHORT IM SORRY #im not used to writing badlands and I'm trying to get the tone right so any feedback would be much appreciated!#c!bad #badboyhalo #c!antfrost #antfrost

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humanransome-note · 2 years

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Today at work

let us set the scene

Michael's arts and crafts, early afternoon.

The main cashier (me) looks like he took a few laps through the lukewarm florida rain, but that is in fact not the case, the AC is on the fritz and has been so for months. And this cashier (hi, me again) has been standing in this exact spot for at least 3 hours, having barely moved since opening the register.

enter, customer. White woman, mid to late sixties possibly early seventies, looks like she has not known anything close to real joy since the moment before her torrid love affair with a married man ended and he told her he would be staying with his wife. She purchases a baker's dozen set of bright yellow party bags, and some paint. And throws onto the table, a crumpled "20% off all regular priced items" coupon. The one that comes attached to the bottom of every Michael's receipt.

her total is $13 and some change.

she gives me a $100 and three $1 s.

Now I have not just had a day... I have had a week. (my first week of work in fact!) From sunday to today (friday) I have spent no less then 4.5 hours on my feet every day,

sunday was passable because the cashier on the other register was actually helpful

monday I was alone and almost began crying at the register

tuesday i found a very painful blister that has yet to pop and an ingrown toenail that had to be removed by me with a pair of nail clippers and cheap thread snips.

wednesday my barely there afternoon plans were shot

thursday was filled with glitter and wrapping glass christmas ornaments even though halloween hasn't happened yet

and by today, I was just hoping to get through it.

all of this, mind you, was done in the exact same shirt, which I have been forced to wear for six days straight. (yes I washed it, but I feel like it adds some flavor to this story so I'm telling you anyway.)

the woman, whose total is again, $13 and like 24 cents, gave me a 100 dollar bill and some ones. (with exact change)

Now, this is a Friday afternoon at an art's and crafts store, in october. Have I mentioned that all halloween items are 60% off as well? (because of christmas. yes i know. you, me, an eight yr old girl and her little brother are all fucking mortified by the absolute ignoring of the sacred candy holiday)

so, middle of october, halloween items are 60% off, and most normal people are just getting their decorations now, meaning this art's and craft store is brimming with people trying to get what scraps of halloween decor they can, interspersed with the christmas fanatics getting a head start on that decorative shopping.

there is a line.

so I process this woman's purchase, put in that she handed me cash, check the bill for fraud on the little beeper thing that only works if you have the bill facing the correct side, and put in that she gave me $103.24. for a just barely over 13 dollar purchase

her change is $90 even

I've got her minuscule purchases in a bag, I'm asking if she wants a receipt, and she stops me.

"did you scan the coupon?"

now dear reader, I did not scan the coupon, and that was entirely on me, I will fully own up to that. and in fact I did so once I realized what I had missed.

the face this woman pulled, you would have thought I keyed her car and pissed in the gas tank.

"could you add it now?"

"Ma'am to do that I would need to void the transaction, and I do not have the authority to do that."

she somehow pulled an even worse face before grumbling and taking her bag and receipt.

if I had added the coupon?

a bit over 2.50 would've been taken off.

look, I get it, you like your savings you really do and so do i and the guy behind you.

but ma'am

there are things in this world that you can be much angrier about than the 2.50. and the fact of the matter is you handed me a crispy fresh 100, like im talking it still had that bank fresh crunch to it. and I'm being paid $11 an hour to stand in shit AC on hard tiled floors, mainlining arthritis strength tylenol because of my flat feet and it takes about $13 dollars to Uber here during the week so while it isn't a net loss, per say, the fact is a 10 minute drive from my house to work is a bit over an hour's worth of my time and the fact I am here to process your transaction in the first place is frankly a service to you.

you are not the only old white lady who shops here, you, in fact are not the first old white lady I have seen today, let alone this week, so I'm sorry you didn't save the 2.50.

choke on it.

#wurds #mitchell’s arts and crafts

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spirituallyyellow · 26 days

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17/5/24 pt2

I wonder how long I'll keep writing this much.

In high school, I wrote in my livejournal just about every single day - sometimes multiple times a day, and usually really long entries, too. I kinda believe that writing in my LJ was a major factor in surviving my teens and very early twenties. I wrote deeply personal stuff on livejournal, and I had a physical journal that I wrote in often, too, and then on top of that, I had an online friend who was quite a bit older and pretty much filled the role of my Internet Aunt who I could email for advice about boys, friends, school, body stuff, all that. It's such a risky thing in hindsight, but she was lovely and helpful - a really deep source of support.

I stopped updating my LJ every day when I went to the commune at 19 - this was before internet was easy to access and we had to schedule in half hour slots twice a week, and I was nervous about other people there finding it in search history or something. I'd update occasionally and wipe the history, but mostly I just wrote in my physical journal.

Then a weird shift happened where N and I went from being LJ friends to being RL friends, to dating, to being engaged and then married, and it felt strange to write about my thoughts and feelings when I wasn't always telling him about them.

I worked very hard to try to keep my family from ever being able to see my LJ, and I think when N made the shift to family, my brain kinda went, "my private thoughts are off-limits now".

I don't like it when people I see in real life know about my thoughts.

Anyway, eventually Russia bought and killed LJ, and that outlet disappeared completely. And I had kids, so I had less time and energy to write, and then it kind of became a bad association because every time I did write, it was because everything felt so awful I had to get it out, but then it meant that there would be huge gaps of multiple months or years and then a short entry that basically said, "Everything sucks, I don't know how to cope" and that was it. Just unscrewing the cap juuuuust enough to let out the carbonation, not enough to actually relax.

I think what makes this different is that I finally came to the end of what I could bear. And I do like typing and sending my thoughts out into the internet void - that's a strong hardwired positive thing in my brain, just because I had been doing online journalling for pretty much the entirety of my adolescence, to mostly positive results. I'm still in contact with some of my LJ friends, and obviously I'm still married to N.

The only thing I don't like about this is the lack of comment thread function, to be honest. LJ really nailed that.

Anyway, I've given a couple of people this address - I don't know what will come of it. I did it mainly because I didn't want to actually tell them the whole story - I preferred to link them to what I'd written. It's very exhausting to tell people you wanted to kill yourself because then they have feelings and I feel like I need to attend to them and I can't because my feelings are so horrible.

Also, how do you even comfort someone in that situation?

"No, don't be upset, I'm not really that great tbh"

"It's OK, you would have been a little sad for a short time and then you would have gotten on with the rest of your life"

"It's all right, it's just me, I'm not worth all this"

I don't think that would go over very well, even if it does feel true.

I remember a long time ago, the last time I felt suicidal. It wasn't even that bad, more of a hopeless feeling than anything, an "I'd be better off dead" but not really planning anything kind of deal. I went for coffee with someone I was friends with but not like super deep friends with, and she asked me how I was doing as I seemed a little down. I told her, very calmly, and she started crying, and I was one hundred percent bewildered. Like, girl you do not care about me this much, come on. Couldn't fathom it.

I still sort of feel that way, even with the friends I'm very close to. Like when Pam started crying on that phone call, I felt horrible and ashamed of myself, but there was a little feeling of, "but why though?"

And it's also extremely awkward and weird to try to move on from the conversation, I'm finding. Like how do you go from, Hey buddy, just wanted to let you know I almost tried to kill myself recently, no worries to here's this stupid gif I found? You don't.

I hate it when people say reach out or call me anytime. I have no idea how much they mean that. I don't know what their schedules are like. I don't want to be that person who calls when somebody is already having a shitty day and then all of a sudden they have to be on high alert for their suicidal friend. I don't even know what I want to say, 90% of the time.

It does feel like such a huge thing for people to not know about. It makes it hard to connect to people, especially in real life. I don't want to tell a lot of people, I don't want to deal with the reactions, and I don't want to deal with my inner anxiety gremlin constantly clawing at the walls of my brain, desperate to know what they're thinking.

In early 2020, before covid, I told my best friend from uni about my cousin. And because he was also training as a therapist, we were both really comfortable just straight up asking each other, "How do you feel after hearing this? What are you thinking? What's going on for you right now?" and both of us had the emotional intelligence and self-awareness to be able to name those feelings and sit with the complexity without trying to fix it.

Although, when I told him about my cousin, I asked, "What are you thinking right now?" and the answer was extremely simple.

"I'm thinking about how fucking proud of you I am, and how much I want to fucking kill this guy." He smiled at me, but not in a pitying way. In a caring way. Maybe a little sad. I felt too nervous to spend a lot of time looking at him.

"Do you see me differently now?"

"Of course not. Are you okay?" That of course not did so much heavy lifting. Like it was just a complete given that I was still the same person.

I smiled and said, "Yeah, I'm just - really shaky and sweaty," and he passed me his glass full of ice so I could cool my hands down.

R is really good at just moving on from difficult topics. Probably of all the people I could tell, he would handle it the best, but it's really overwhelming to think about letting somebody else in to all of this mess right now.

I need to do something this weekend. I'm kind of sick - one of these super lethargic, coughing, struggling to breathe sometimes kind of bugs. But I think I need to push through this weekend and do something else because I just can sense how easy it would be for me to spiral.

I've spent all day in bed today. To be fair, I really have been sick and I've slept a big chunk of the day, but it did feel appropriate. This has been such a hell of a week that I had no choice but to take to my bed, like in a Tennessee Williams play.

N and I had a really difficult conversation last night and eventually I said, "I just feel like if this was a Jane Austen novel, I could go live in a mansion in the countryside for a month with a kindly aunt and uncle while I recover from my melancholia."

"So we just need to find a rich aunt and uncle in the countryside," he said with a gentle smile.

I laughed, a little bitterly. "I feel like the closest thing I could have to that is going back to [the commune] but like..." and here I did start crying a lot, "I just don't have the energy for that right now."

He rubbed my foot and said, "Just because it's the right answer sometimes doesn't mean it's the right answer all the time. It does take a lot of energy to be there."

And when I think of going back now, honestly, I'm mostly remembering the amount of shame that got dumped on me, that feeling of, I can never do anything right for these people, I always misread everything, I make it too deep, I'm doing it wrong. I'm doing that place wrong, every fucking time. At this point, to be completely honest, I don't know if I'll ever go back. I'm tired of always being told the same old shit: I'm needy, I'm too intense a person, I always go too deep, I always look like I'm desperate for people to love me. And Andrew, years ago, telling me that I am dangerous when wounded, like I was a fucking dog.

I don't know what I did. That's what really upsets me: people tell me all of this every time I go there, but they never tell me what to do differently. I just have to magically figure it out.

And at home, in my normal life, I have literally everyone around me telling me the opposite - that I'm not needy at all, that I'm extremely competent, that I could do with being more needy, that I'm not too intense for people, that I'm kind and funny and make people feel cared for. It's such a wildly different perception of me that I just have no idea where to even start.

It all feels like a trick. Reach out to people, but not like that. Ask for help, but you have to figure things out for yourself.

You know, like, how am I supposed to deal with this anxious-insecure attachment when literally all the feedback I get about my behaviour is so wildly contradictory? I feel fucking paralysed.

I talked about this with J, my friend and office-share person, and my therapist, neither of whom are Christians, and they were both like, "It's crazy that anybody would see you as needy, I don't see that at all."

And then I have M from the commune being like, "I've known you for a long time, Lauren, and you are..." blah blah blah all those negative things.

And you know what actually, how fucking ridiculous is that. She hasn't known me for a long time - she sees a two week glimpse of me, every few years, during what is usually a really turbulent time in my life, and she's hardly ever even been in the house when I've been there. Even when I was there for the full term, seventeen years ago, I don't remember any significant conversations with her. I had a different tutor, who also gave me shit. It honestly makes me feel like I have Punching Bag written across my face.

I don't know if I'll ever go back - I honestly think at this point that I might not, I might just be done with it, but if I do, I can't see how on earth I could ever sit down across from her and get anything productive done.

I wish I'd had the wherewithal to stand up for myself and tell her to shove her tutorials up her ass. And Andrew, too. And I'm using his real first name because I'm done protecting the identity and role of some asshole who told me that being molested by my cousin wasn't significant enough for him and his stupid tutorials.

The only thing I miss about that place right now is sitting in the small study with a fireplace and a board game. But I miss that a lot, even though it's so small and stupid. It was just the only time in such a long time that I can think of feeling okay in. I almost wish I'd never had it because now I wouldn't know what I was missing.

I believe that God put me there, in that place, at that time, for a reason - so many things lined up to just fit perfectly - but damn, sometimes even gifts feel painful.

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requiemforarainbow · 7 months

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Trying to write with chronic pain flares is...interesting. Under a cut for talk of unknown illness/pain and personal shit.

Follow my NaNo 2023 journey: https://nanowrimo.org/participants/jordan-a-wruck

So the last week of September, I started to have a small pain in my lower right abdomen. It started at about a 2/10 - just a tiny little "oh, that feels weird. Huh." I originally chalked it up to muscle pain because I'm a side sleeper, and my right side is the normal side I get comfy on.

October 2nd. Pain was still there and increased to about a 6-7/10. Immediately got me in to my doctor's Internal Medicine side to see a doc. She ordered bloodwork and an ultrasound. Promised me results in 24 hours.

October 3rd. Doc hadn't called with results by close of business. Meanwhile, the pain spiked to a 9/10. ER TIME! (I HATE the hospital, so for me to say "let's go to the hospital" it has to HURT LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER. Last time that happened it turned out to be my gallbladder.)

ER visit took.... 7 hours. 7 FUCKING HOURS. 2 of those hours were in the WAITING ROOM. 5 was spent in a bed in the HALLWAY in between 2 CLEARLY MARKED ISOLATION ROOMS WITH THE DOORS OPEN AND NO MASKS IN SIGHT. (In retrospect, I forgot my mask too with the pain, and 5 days later ended up with a minor viral infection myself.)

ER doc ordered more bloodwork, urinalysis, an ultrasound, and a CT scan. By the time I got back from the CT scan I was starting to get a migraine, and the pain in my abdomen hadn't subsided either. (Also I learned I'm not actually allergic to CT contrast, but that's another story.) At this point I was betting either my appendix was acting up, my pancreas was being more of a bitch than usual (diabetes is fun!), or something with my liver.

So, total time spent in the ER: 7 hours.

Results from the tests: "Nothing actionable."

Total pain medication given: Z E R O mg.

That's right. NO PAIN MEDICATION. They gave me anti-nausea meds and PEPCID FOR FUCKING HEARTBURN.

Because as we all know, heartburn starts over near the FUCKING APPENDIX.

...Yes, I was and am P I S S E D.

They literally treated me like a drug addict looking for a fix. Even after I mentioned I had a migraine. All because my 9/10 pain wasn't making me scream constantly. My normal pain level is about a 6/10, which is a level that would have most people without chronic pain bedridden and screaming. For me, anything LESS than that is literally background noise.

Oh, did I mention I had my PARENTS WITH ME?! My parents - who are also chronic pain sufferers. My parents who have NARCOTIC PAIN MEDICATION.

Naturally I brought them to the ER to help me "get a fix", right?!

What does my doc give me for this chronic pain, you ask? 800 mg ibuprofen. Which - surprise - doesn't usually do jack shit.

I mean, I get it. The narcotic stuff can be addictive. And with the opioid crisis, they're careful who they give it to. In my state, you have to be under the care of a long-term pain management doc.

Who won't see me because - surprise - I'm a "kid."

I'm 36 and use a cane because of the pain. My primary doc helped me get a disabled parking placard. She knows how bad my pain gets. She knows - but she legally can't give me anything stronger than the ibuprofen. (Which sucks. But I like her.)

But you'd think the ER could have at least given me an ibuprofen!!

Anyway. Went back to the Internal Med doc a week later. The Internal Med doc set me up with a GI consult. (Gastric doc. I'm starting to think it might be warranted because it's starting to hurt every time I eat.) The date of my initial consult?

November 30th.

Yep. That would make the appointment TWO BLOODY MONTHS after the initial pain started.

Luckily they have a priority cancellation list. And I guess someone cancelled because my appointment is now this Friday (November 10).

I already know how it's going to go. They're going to prod my abdomen a little, not find shit, and say "Okay, so we're going to have to scope you."

I've had an endoscopy before, both upper and lower. The prep is a NIGHTMARE. (Note: do not drink the ginger flavor prep with Pepsi. You will want to barf for weeks.)

Fingers crossed the endoscopy will find what the fuck is causing my entire abdomen to feel like someone is jabbing me with a cattle prod every time I eat now.

And that I can get to 50,000 words this NaNo.

#nanowrimo #nanowrimo 2023 #chronic pain #chronic illness #unknown illness

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reblogging4thewin · 1 year

Text

while I've gotten used to the fact that if I spend any notable amount of time around my family, I'm bound to hear a slur at some point,

What I wasn't really prepared for was for my dad to bring up a traumatic memory as though it were a funny story.

It's like I forgot that's a thing that could happen and has happened before.

It was just an ice-bucket reminder that my parents don't see children as people with valid feelings and bodily autonomy, but as property with no rights. (The posts that make the property analogy are really spot on. I believe I have them under #parenting or #childhood trauma or something like that.)

While I couldn't come up with a suitable analogy, I had to say something - not picking a fight that isn't worthwhile bc his mind won't be changed on this, but in the sense of not just going off to build up the upset-ness until eventually it explodes. No need to hold that stuff inside. It wasn't an argument. He said he got that I felt violated. He still chuckled about it; that little me being upset was 'cute'. He got what I was saying, but he still doesn't *get* it. Saying something, although it made me cry, did release the tension. So that's healthier for me.

I'm fine; just gotta feel and stew for a min. Typing this out helped.

In case you're wondering what in particular (bc it's something I talked about before a lot in some tags):

Remember the viral post a year or so ago ab the girl whose mom cut her hair off as a punishment?

Well imagine she did it just bc she wanted the girl's hair to be short, despite the girl's tears and protests? Imagine the girl's hair grows really slowly and took years to get back to the length it was (shoulder).

I was 11/12.

Like everything else growing up, my feelings didn't matter to them.

My dad's view of the thing is that at some point I must have realized that hair grows back and got over it. Which, entirely misses the point. (and also no - that's so infantilizing. of course it grows back. but it grows back really slowly. it's the betrayal.)

Developing your self, image, and agency are important at that age. But it's the bodily autonomy of it all - that's what makes this traumatic. It's being treated like a barbie doll rather than a person. That's what makes it a hurt that stains.

And sure, when a kid is teenie tiny and can't speak yet - you can dress them in cute little outfits of your choosing and I can see how that is nice. But as they grow into their own personality and are able to articulate things, respect them as a human being damnit.

At what age did I become a human being to them? I think they *started* to see me as one when I was 21 and I studied abroad. Started to.

Are we fully there yet even now, at 29? I think there's been some progress since I moved out - a little less entitlement from their end that they cannot dictate whether/when I spend my free time with them. But, whooo boy was this little trip down memory lane a reminder of things I'd rather not think about this weekend (or ever, really).

We made it....less than 24 hours before this happened. I was planning to leave either Monday night or Tuesday morning. We'll see how things go. Like I told my bf when he asked, concerned, about the length of time I'd be here - I can always leave early if need be. Nothing is stopping me. I have things to pack up, and of course Christmas festivities themselves always go pretty well, so I don't expect a lot of opportunity for unpleasantries.

Not to mention the fact that my dad *likes* to needle people (he likes to bug my mom - sometimes it's all fun and games, but sometimes it's a little twisted imo - like needling the very thing you've been asked not to do. my ex was like that actually - I didn't find out until after leaving my ex how many ways he was like my dad (neither of them ever hit or anything like that - but both have broken an object in frustration or anger before, for example); my mom and I had some good talks at the time (I was 20). digressing again). My dad didn't upset me on purpose here though - he genuinely thinks my being upset about the haircut is a cute, funny memory. But he does things like this, sometimes on purpose, sometimes bumbles into them like this, and then when I get upset, he says I'm bipolar. He didn't say that today at least. When I was a kid, he called me a cry baby. All of the time. (actually he did literally bully me as a kid bc he said I needed to be prepared for what kids in school would do (not like your home is supposed to be a sanctuary or anything); but, while I was in fact bullied by 90% of my peers up until like 10th grade, when I was a little kid my dad was the worse bully of any of them. Every tangent this post reminds me of actually makes things worse tbh. Like, I don't think about this very often anymore, so being reminded of the sadisticness here is...yikes. I have thought a handful of times that it's insane that I even talk to him, but in short bursts most of the time things are cordial.)

This only happened because I mentioned wanting a trim this evening. (My mom is a talented cosmetologist.) In the heat of the moment of this memory, I had to wonder why I ever let her cut my hair again after I turned 18. But she hasn't cut it different from my requests since then or anything (though she did *deny* a request once, but the alternative we went with actually worked out better - so that was more of a mixture of an expertise thing but also a little homophobia sprinkled in but I digress); I guess at some point I came to trust her with it again. Just right now after that interaction with my dad, the feelings were fresh again, even though that was about 18 years ago.

No one else has ever cut my hair, but maybe it would be good if I change that next year. I really only planned to change that if I decide I do in fact want an undercut - since my mom refused to do that. I live less than an hour away, but maybe convenience is a factor too. Idk.

I feel a lot better now actually. He also just randomly came in the room and we had a normal conversation for two mins about making a snowman out of a bottle. So, we're ok for the moment. The weekend goes on.

#venting #rambles #childhood trauma #wow I'm wordy

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thedaredevilsgirl · 3 years

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Broken Heart - Part 2

Warnings: A little angst at the beginning. Sebastian Stan being a great best friend and a good shoulder to cry on.

Word count: 1244

A/N: Sorry for the delay in posting part two, I had some personal issues but everything is taken care of now. Forgive any grammatical mistakes, English is not my first language.

Part 1 Part 3

It took less than an hour to hear a knock on your door, you open it quickly and see Sebastian standing there, he smiles sympathetically and shows you the two bottles he was holding.

"I brought Wine in case you want to cry and get drunk and Whiskey in case you want to cry, get really drunk and have a huge hangover tomorrow" He says entering your apartment and putting the bottles on the table.

"Which one do you recommend for a horrible ending?" He asks.

"Definitely Whiskey" he replies smiling.

You hug him tightly and start crying again, he wraps his arms around you returning the hug.

"I can't believe he broke up with me".

"Your tears were already staining his shirt, but he didn't care, he just wanted to take care of his best friend.

The two of them met a few years ago, long before you met Tom, and they became best friends almost instantly, they were almost like brothers, always looking out for each other and protecting each other. Sebastian literally threatened to beat Tom if he broke his heart, and frankly he was thinking of keeping this promise right now.

He helps you to sit on the couch and you take the bottle of whiskey, open it quickly and take a big sip, you felt the liquid burn in your throat and hoped it would ease your pain, but it didn't.

"Are you going to take it straight from the bottle? Is that the level of your sadness?" He asked smiling.

"Yes, that's the level of my sadness" she replied before taking another sip and passing the bottle to him who takes a large sip quickly.

"Ok honey, now tell me what really happened?" he asks worriedly.

"Ever since people found out about our relationship it seems like something has been going wrong, I've been called fat, ugly or self-interested all over the internet and people invade my privacy as if it doesn't matter" she passes her hand over her face trying to wipe the tears that were flowing "Don't get me wrong, most of his fans were super sweet to me and said they just wanted to see him happy, but others...they threw so much hate on me that I don't think I believe I can be his girlfriend anymore myself".

"But what exactly led you to break up?"

You recount everything that happened, all those people in front of your work, your boss fighting with you, the scratched car, and the fight with Tom while the two of you practically drank the entire bottle of whiskey.

"He took their side, said something about them just loving him too much, Then of course I said that kind of thing isn't love and said how much they were hurting me and he said it better end so I wouldn't be hurt" you let your head fall back against the couch.

"Y/N" you look at him "Don't think I am defending him, because I am not, I will always stand by you, what those people did to you was horrible and him defending them was even worse, but maybe he broke up with you to try to protect you" He holds your hand.

"Protect me from what?" she asks laughing.

"You said yourself that it was hurting you, maybe he just didn't want to see you get hurt like that anymore".

You laugh at his answer and roll your eyes.

"Y/N I'm serious, look the life of a known person is hard."

"I know, I knew that when we first started dating, that's why we kept it a secret."

"I know Tom loves you, shit, he tried my patience when you guys first met just so I could convince you to go on a date with him. Do you know how hard it is to have this life? It has been months since I have slept with someone, I am afraid to date anyone, I am afraid that this person is only getting involved with me for fame or money or I am afraid that this person really likes me and gets exactly this hate that you are living, it is terrible, if this happened to the woman I love I would probably break up with her to keep her safe. People see this life of fame and think everything is wonderful, but they don't know how painful it is to see someone you love being affected by it.

You lift the bottle and look deep into his eyes.

"Here's to this fucked up life."

He laughs before taking the bottle from your hand and taking a large sip.

"A toast."

•─────✧─────••─────✧─────•

The first thing you notice when you wake up is the unbearable headache, then you realize that you are naked on your bed and there is an arm around your waist. For a short while you think that maybe yesterday was just a dream and you and Tom never had that horrible fight and it didn't end, but some flashes from the night before fill your head and you realize what a shit you've done.

You look over and see Sebastian lying next to you on the bed also without clothes and you scream regretting it seconds later when it affects your headache.

"More shit" he says waking up, he looks at you and seems to realize also what happened last night.

You quickly get out of bed and start to get dressed.

"What did we do? What did we do? What did we do?" you say nervously, pacing from side to side.

Sebastian gets up and gets dressed as well before grabbing her arm and forcing her to stop.

"Honey, calm down ok" he says.

"How can I calm down, we just ruined our 5 year friendship".

"We didn't ruin anything, hey look at me" you look at him and take a deep breath trying to calm down "it was just sex, you were sad because of the man you love and I was needy, we were both drunk and ended up doing it, but we are best friends and we will stay best friends, nothing will change, ok?" He speaks and hugs you tightly.

"Ok" you answer him becoming a little calmer.

Your life managed to change drastically in less than 24 hours, you ended your relationship and ended up having sex with your best friend to console your broken heart. You were proud to say that you weren't dramatic, but you were certainly living in a lot of drama right now.

"Remind me never to drink again, please," you say embarrassed.

"If it's any consolation, you're great in bed, I'm sure Tom will miss it very much" he says laughing and you slap his arm playfully.

"You're unbelievable" you laugh and turn away from him before heading for the bathroom, but before you can get in you stop in front of the door and turn to look at him "Sebastian, I don't remember if we used condoms or not".

He stands thoughtfully for a few seconds before answering.

"We sure did, we were drunk but we are not irresponsible, don't worry about it" he shrugs and you agree with him.

It was just a one night stand, everything would go back to normal. You and Sebastian have been friends for years and this would not affect your lives at all, nothing would change.

Everything was going to be fine.

#tom holland imagine #tom holland one shot #tom holland #tom holland x reader #tom holland fanfiction #tom holland smut #tom holland x you #tom holland x y/n #tom holland angst

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nomunamuinmybrain · 3 years

Text

Work you out (M)

Pairing: Jungkook x Reader

Rating: M

Genre: Smut

Word Count: 2.4K

In collaboration with the lovely @alwaysdarkestbeforethedawn94

Disclaimer: if you are under the age of 18 please know that this contains heavy sexual themes and mature language.

Summary: Working for Hybe has been an experience. Being Jungkook’s manager is another story. His sharp eyes, firm jawline and snarky attitude was a deadly combination to begin with. The guy easily found his way to your heart and you simply couldn't take it anymore.

Thinking back to how I managed to land such an unimaginable employment opportunity must have been a miracle. Unquestionably, working for HYBE had so many benefits; I swore to never leave this place. Sure, I was a simple manager's assistant, but I was by the side of one of the managers that handled the most important talent in the stretch of South Korea, the entire globe to be honest, BTS. I was assigned the position of assistant to the manager of one of the guys, none other than Jeon Jungkook. I really couldn’t believe my luck. Not only was I a part of one of the most skyrocketing influential enterprises in the country, but I also had the chance to meet some of the most inspiring people in the whole world! Who would have thought?!

Did I have a crush on the guy by the end of my first month working here? Yes, but who wouldn't? He is the sweetest, always polite and courteous. I've met my share of self-boasting asshats; this industry is flooded with such. This guy is worth billions and he has remained ridiculously humble. Word got around about him being a wonderful young man and I could positively say he is so much more up close. Jungkook is ridiculously handsome that’s a given already, but his personality was the real deal-maker. He reminds me of a dark stormy thundery night where I cover myself with my favourite warm fluffy blanket starring out of the window a rich flavored hot chocolate in hand.

In general, I quite enjoy working at the company’s principled environment. Don’t get me wrong, nothing in this world is rainbows and butterflies, but overall, I can confidently say that it’s been a mainly positive experience. Thankfully, the department I am in is assembled by kind, funny people who like to get things done. There hasn’t been a day were I regretted coming here. As for my daily duties as an assistant, working for Jungkook meant keeping up with his appointments, helping him with anything at anytime, managing his schedule, making sure it matches with the other guys' and so much more. I was required to work around the clock and as a single independent woman in her late twenties who was trying to figure out the world around her that didn’t sound like such a bad idea, though I digress. Essentially, I was one of the employees responsible for pretty much anything and everything he needed. Our department was at his disposal 24/7 running around, living that busy life.

That's until the pandemic struck. That was the first time I thought to myself that this might be nature’s valiant plan to get back what man so forcefully took from her. Suddenly, everything was canceled; life got put on a hold. My dearest supervisor, Jungkook's manager, had to stay at home because he had kids. In fact, a lot of people had to stay at home. Abruptly, days became weeks and weeks became months. The desperation and frustration we were feeling was like nothing else ever experienced. Truthfully, it felt like something had been stolen from us and we could never get it back. In this manner, when the gears finally started grinding again I was assigned to be the on-site manager for Jungkook. That meant being in direct contact with him more so than before and of course, being responsible for a ton of other obligations.

Not going to lie, the first months were slightly awkward for both of us and understandably so. We both were used to very different working arrangements. I might have been working behind the scenes before, but now I had to step into the spotlight becoming his own personal shadow, and I am sure he wasn’t really comfortable with that. Taken into account the current situation everyone looked like a volcano ready to erupt.

Once, I happened to accidentally step in a not so common incident; maybe it was a circumstance I wasn’t supposed to witness. He was on the phone at the time, when I saw him. That’s why I decided it was best if I stayed behind the half closed door of the studio. I couldn’t hear what he was saying and it was none of my business after all, but I could tell by the minute I laid my eyes on him that something was wrong. Something had been bothering him; irritation written all over his face. He was pacing back and forth, phone still on his ear. He was clenching his fist so hard I wondered if his nails cut into his skin. He was breathing heavily, almost as if he would burst and his muscles grew tense.

Then, in an instant, it seemed that the call ended and as he was putting the phone in his pocket he slammed his fists down onto the table a loud bang echoing in the room. After some consideration, I knocked on the door to make my presence known and he sharply looked at me. Without having the chance to say anything to him he let out a loud growl and left the room leaving me dumbfounded and unaware by the door. Soon after that, he apologized for the way he acted confessing that he had an unfortunate falling out with one of his closest friends and at the time he couldn’t process what was happening. I would never forget that day. It was the day I came across a not so familiar side to him.

From that day forward, things miraculously became easier and Jungkook was way more relaxed around my presence, we joked around often and he even texted me to ask about a variety of things outside of regular working hours. We managed to develop a teasing relationship full of endless borderline flirtatious banter. He had this other side to him that only a selected few got the chance to know. Jeon Jungkook was indeed a comforting raging night, but he was also an infuriating playful mischievous brat when he wanted to be. This in all honesty, made him a hundred times more irresistible in my eyes.

Life was going on smoothly until Jungkook decided that taking after midnight trips to the gym was perfectly acceptable, insisting that I escort him instead of his bodyguard. I cursed every single time but I went anyway. Forty-five minutes after midnight he was lifting weights, unbothered. Taking secret short glances towards him I contemplated what I had done in my previous life to deserve this torment. Don’t get me wrong, I couldn’t care less about the late hour, but to have this view in front of my eyes was causing me both mental and physical pain. The guy was clearly sculpted by the gods. With his broad chest, muscular arms and thick thighs he could have anyone he ever wanted. He even sported an hourglass figure; He is insanely unreal. That’s the main reason why I decided to sit there preoccupied with a silly game on my phone to kill time until the suffering ended. I was barely hanging from a string at the verge of blowing off the barrier between my personal and professional life.

Out of the blue, with a loud grunt, he dropped the weights, drawing me out of my contemplation. He looked annoyed for whatever reason. He tried his best to seem nonchalant but it was obvious, in his beautiful stern eyes. Could he be craving for an audience? Abandoning every rational thought I had, I put my phone away, looked in his direction as I got up to get water. I smirked at his clear annoyance. Surely, we weren't supposed to interact with the artists this way but I am cranky and sleepy, and for the first time ever, he was being kind of an ass to me. Was I perhaps the reason behind his sudden personality change? The thought kept floating at the back of my mind.

This kept going on for about three weeks or so and I gave him nothing. His annoyance prominent in his expression, more and more as the weeks went by. He was hot but I am sure all he had been seeking was an audience given that he missed it, or so I thought. Thursday evening rolls around and I was particularly iffy tonight ‘because I was extremely frustrated, sexually. This one was making my situation worse, sporting a tight black tank top and skinny grey sweatpants which made him look like a treat. He could easily pass for a bodyguard with those broad well-built shoulders. As my eyes scanned his body I realized this was the first time his tatted sleeve was on display. I couldn’t help but let my eyes wander. By the time I was done his eyes were already fixed on mine and I turned away immediately, embarrassment written all over my face.

Seeking solace in the women’s bathroom I tried to extinguish this ravenous yearning. The feeling of cold water did nothing to help the burning desire that was building inside me. Without warning, a knock at the door was heard, his sweet angelic voice following "Are you okay?" he asked, the remnants of a smirk could be heard still. "Jungkook you cannot be here, I am okay. I'll be out in a minute." I exclaimed, as calm as I could. "It's been ten minutes. I can't continue unless you're there." He insisted, I heard him chuckle after that.

With that, it was now or never, I pushed the door’s handle and made my way outside rolling my eyes in the process and he caught that, quickly moving closer, clearly annoyed, jaw clenched, eyes taking in my features, making him look not quite intimidating but definitely interesting. No, it was my mistake. Not just interesting, he looked ravishing. "As I said, I'll be out in a minute. Then you can finish up" I argued. But he didn't budge, moving even closer, if that was even possible, he was almost a breath away. "I don't feel like working out anymore" he declared like a child whose toy was taken away from him. As if I chose to play heads or tails with my career, I poked the beast further, "What is it that you want to do then?" I asked making sure he heard the annoyance in my tone. Coming even closer, to the point where he was completely pressed up against me, "You" he uttered calmly yet authoritatively. Before I could process what he had just said his soft lips crushed mine with a vengeance, thirsty. Pulling my lip with his teeth, he kept planting kisses from my lips to my jaw trailing down to my neck and décolletage; a surprised panting left my lips.

It felt as if I had involuntarily awakened this beastly hunger within him. His kisses insatiable and his touch was possessive, "I've been thinking about this for so long" he confessed as he took my hoodie off. "Sitting there, not giving a word let alone a glimpse. If you think this is off-limits you're wrong" he growled pointing at himself. "I can guarantee that once we're done here you definitely won't be able to look at me, ever." As he said all that, he managed to get me in a compromising position against the sink, his slim waist in between my legs. He kept my gaze as he lowered his head between my thighs. Little shit kept giving me hickeys on the soft flesh of my inner thighs, so close to my now dripping core. He enjoyed tormenting me and it showed. I was helpless but oh, God was all of this hot. He licked a stripe over my soaked panties, "Oh baby, you smell delicious" and with one hand he took off my underwear completely.

He sank in my folds, letting a guttural moan that I felt vibrating through my core. Not being able to think about what was happening I let myself indulge in my carnal desire my hands tangled in between his luscious hair.

He loved food and I've watched him eat before, but this must be one of his favorites ‘cause he was doing his best not to let a drop go to waste; he acted like a man starved. His hands held me in place, thankfully, ‘cause everything was too much; nothing could stop me from shaking, feeling everything deep in my core, he was too much. He just had to be good at everything. He kept a torturous tempo, from sucking my clit to his sinful tongue penetrating me, and as tears gathered around my eyes he decided to add his slender fingers in bringing me closer to heaven than I've ever been. "That's it baby, let go. Let go for me" he exhaled and just like that I had the most intense climax. My limbs felt numb, my whole body felt like rubber.

Before I could register what was happening he was back at it, sucking my over stimulated clit, my thighs unconsciously closing around his head as oversensitivity hit. "One more, please, come on baby, you can do it" he begged. He kept pumping his fingers while sucking my clit, as if it was his only goal in life. My screams muffled through my own hand clamped on my mouth as I reached my high for a second time that night. I felt it take over me with such intensity I didn't register what had happened. He emerged from between my thighs, soaked from me squirting and with a proud look on his face he declared "Now I look like I had the workout of a lifetime".

He helped me get dressed and pulled me close for a soft peck. He must have noticed my concerned look because he wrapped his arms around me in a warm hug and said "Don't be scared about this, we can work it out. I really like you and I'd like you to stick around". Starring into his eyes, I nodded and he pulled me close for the sweetest kiss, trying to tame my bewildered hair. He helped me get dressed and got out the door first to make sure that no one was around. I waited for a moment and then I got a text.

#bts #bts fanfic #BTS jungkook #jungkook fanfic #jeon jungkook #jungkook x you #jungkook smut #bts smut #idolau #bts imagines #jungkook oneshot #bts one shot #bts text #jungkook text

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tsuisou-no-despair · 3 years

Text

Higurashi TEN (Role Swap AU) - 34 Random Facts

Well, I'm slightly stuck with the question arcs, so instead I'm just going to write up and throw out a whole bundle of random facts about the world, its characters, and things that have or could happen. Hopefully this will lead to something clicking into place for me, and hopefully you'll like it, too.

Kei, Reina, and Mion still use a bat, nata, and taser, respectively, as their main weapons, though Mion's been forbidden from using the taser by Oryou. Hanyuu uses the ritual hoe and swords in about equal measure. Miyoko uses whatever's on hand to frightening effect.

Shion thrives at St. Lucia; however, she is pulled out of the school by her family after Oryou decides that Mion's twin would be better utilized if she was right on hand...

Miyoko does the Joseph Joestar "your next line is..." thing, which almost always works like a charm. (It doesn't work on Satoko or Bernkastel, but the former plays along when she's not in the black outfit)

Hanyuu's horns aren't initially broken, but by the end of the series, they have their signature crack.

Tomitake is a much more common sight in Hinamizawa than he was in the original universe, being a resident of Okinomiya who frequently visits. He's also quite well-liked, mostly because he's there to fix just about anything that breaks.

Rumiko was the original user of Rena's signature nata, as well as the person who first converted the van in the dump into a hiding place.

Satoko finds the contents of the Saiguiden fascinating but ultimately disappointing; she expected something more directly tied to Hinamizawa Syndrome's origins.

Irie almost always manages to get clear of Hinamizawa before Emergency Procedure #3105 is executed; however, he's usually dead in under 24 hours due to his escape catching Tokyo's attention.

Both Ooishi and Akasaka are hated by the Sonozaki family but the former much more so, to the point where Ooishi schedules his visits to Okinomiya when the Sonozakis will be looking elsewhere, such as on festival nights.

Rina targets Kei's dad in the loops where she doesn't die. Kei's mom does not take it well - to the point where she goes L5, in some cases.

Mion's "feelings" for Satoshi are primarily a result of Satoshi being just that nice and caring and good-hearted. It helps that she's enamored with a saintly image of him that's only grown more pure since his absence.

When Miyoko bothers to start telling people about how she's lost in time loops, their reactions are mostly in the vein of "oh, that explains so much".

Bernkastel can be heard by people who are deep in the throes of Hinamizawa Syndrome; naturally, she uses this to fuck with people for kicks.

Okonogi takes the role of the clinic's head after Satoko dies/disappears. He's regarded exclusively with suspicion - if he wasn't only filling the role until the GHD triggers, he'd probably get run out of town within a month.

Rumiko regularly made Miyoko curry after learning that Teppei and Tamae were denying her food; this led to Rumiko taking her curry very seriously because it represented the only "acceptable" way for her to help Miyoko.

Officially, Tatsuyoshi Sonozaki and his wife (Naeko) are Mion and Shion's parents. In reality, Akane is their mother, and whether or not Tatsuyoshi is the father is strictly a matter between him and Akane.

All of the locations from the original universe are present and more or less unchanged, along with a few new "sets" such as Akasaka's apartment.

Satoko has an alternate version of her "Tokyo" outfit that includes a mask that resembles an inverted Eye of Providence. She wears this when acting in Hinamizawa after her death, claiming that she needs to hide her identity due to being known in the village. (Okonogi thinks that doesn't matter in the slightest and that Satoko is trying too hard to be "cool", and he isn't wrong... except that it's managed to keep Miyoko from realizing who it is throughout the loops)

Beyond mahjong, Akasaka, Satoshi, Irie and Tomitake were fast friends. Their name for the quartet is the "Soul Brothers" - thankfully, it's a more serious (and infinitely less horny-focused) group than in arcs like (ugh) Batsukowashi-hen. (Kei still becomes an honorary Soul Brother in some arcs, though)

While she's reasonably familiar with a gun and a bow, Shion's real weapon is her contacts: her stay at St. Lucia (and Rika-in-Gou levels of popularity while there) means she has a slew of St. Lucia-ites (with powerful fathers) who would bend over backward for her.

Akane and Satoko are the two most skilled individual fighters in Higurashi TEN - who wins in a fight between the two is generally decided by who screws up first, but this is usually Akane getting blindsided by a trap unless she's warned. (They fight in more fragments than you'd expect - Akane Kasai is the most dangerous person in Hinamizawa and Satoko knows it.)

Miyoko starts her loops at the same point every time - the morning after the festival in 1982. This is mostly to dodge the abuse from Tamae - the fact that people assume her changed personality is because she's escaped an abusive home is icing on the cake.

The official reason for the Clinic "studying" Hanyuu was that they were researching the effects of her horns' growth pressing on her brain and monitoring the brain tumor-like symptoms (hearing voices, delusions of being Oyashiro-sama reborn, etc.) that it caused; this was all a fabrication hiding the research done on Hanyuu as Queen Carrier. Satoshi was disgusted by this facade and eventually told the Furudes that Hanyuu's brain was fine, leading to them pulling Hanyuu out (and Satoko murdering them as a result).

Irie occasionally mediates the Games Club's punishment games, sometimes getting dragged into it himself. He's a stalwart protector defender of the young club members' honor, making whatever sacrifices he has to in order to make sure that they're not forced into perverted situations or outfits.

Rumiko may or may not have had feelings for Mion, which Mion subconsciously returned; Mion's quietly put two and two together in the months following her disappearance, and it's had a palpable effect on her relationship with Reina.

Ooishi lives in Kakiuchi City and is a part of its police department, and he's not the only former Hinamizawa resident on its force - there's a bright young detective named Natsumi Kimiyoshi who I've heard interesting stories about, though I don't know much about her...

While he's still capable of being the "Magician of Words", Kei's charisma is heavily tempered by the restrained, somewhat cold wall he's put up around his emotions for "everyone's own good".

After all that looping, Miyoko's trauma response to Teppei moving back in and forcing himself to be her caretaker is anger moreso than shutting down. More than a few loops have ended with Teppei killing her after she was too insolent (or too creepy) for him to put up with.

Yukie was a reporter who was extremely critical of the anti-dam protests, especially after the kidnapping occurred. At least some of the antipathy towards Akasaka is due to being Yukie's husband.

When the seeds of distrust aren't sown, Reina's empathy is one of her most powerful tools, making her able to stand up to just about anyone in Hinamizawa and reach out a hand to them. (Sometimes this leads to getting a baseball bat to the head, but hey, she tried.)

Hanyuu can hear Bernkastel at lower levels of Hinamizawa Syndrome than anyone else in the village, and seems to be cognizant of her presence even when she's at L1/L2. The exact details of Hanyuu and Bern's rapport are known only to them.

Miyoko and Hanyuu are closer to each other than they are to anyone else, but there's still a big ugly wall between them due to Hanyuu's quasi-divinity butting up against Miyoko's hatred of any and all gods. Tearing that wall down is an important part of Miyoko's character development.

Irie had (has?) Satoshi's blessing to try and win Satoko's heart; according to Satoshi, Satoko's not entirely against the idea of a relationship. Satoshi also made sure that Irie didn't cross any lines when going after her; after Satoshi disappeared, Irie ceased his attempts until Satoko herself encouraged him.

Everyone is wearing different outfits - the new ones are more or less the same pieces of clothing as the original "position" but with the color palette and general feel of the character filling the slot. For example, Reina's casual outfit starts as Keiichi's - a vest, undershirt, and shorts (and no hat) - but then is adjusted to fit Rena's style and is given a white, light blue, and purple palette. My attempts at mocking up Reina and Mion's designs are below.

#higurashi #higurashi au #role swap au #higurashi ten au #long post #higurashi spoilers #(by proxy)

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thejosh1980 · 3 years

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Little Wing

(Trigger warning: animal/pet death)

Today, right now, I am sat at the spot where Mijo felt his last sunrise, just 24 hours ago.

He was 28 weeks old, he spent 20 of those weeks with me, and my family. He was my family. He was thrust upon me by my wife and mum, who knew Mijo would be the kind of birthday present I'd want, but could never ask for.

When he arrived he was unexpected. Straight from the car, into my bedroom, onto my lap, what a surprise, it was love at first sight. Those eyes, that tail, that round belly, the fur, I was all in. I had to say goodbye to 4 beautiful pets whom I loved dearly when I left Germany, so then and there I made a quiet, whisper promise to Mijo;

“I'll never ever leave you”...

We began like any other Daddy and cat story, playing, eating, talking to each other. We may have made a few messes on the bed learning to potty train, but I couldn't really fault him, he was perfect. He loved cuddles, got under our feet all the time, talked to us a lot and wanted to be a part of everything happening around the house.

He meowed very loudly too. Sometimes he'd meow from the next room sounding lost and worried. That's when I started to realized something was very different about him. It took about 2 weeks, but then I realized, he was totally deaf!!!! No vacuum cleaner, loud bangs, claps, or door slams could get his attention. When he meowed loudly, it was either because he had to, to feel himself meowing in his head, or he was missing us and could smell us, but not hear us in the next room. I had never had a cat who couldn't hear me call their name, so this was going to be a challenge.

Mijo accepted that challenge...

In a short time I figured out how to clicker train him, using a torch. I love training cats. Most folks think it's impossible, but I've taught cats to fetch, sit and come on command in the past.... So, pretty soon I had him jumping up, over and across chairs and tables on cue. I also learnt a way to “call” him; assuming he could see me, if I knelt down and tapped my leg, he'd come a running. Every time. We had it all figured out.

Grab a harness and a lead, and off we go, walking around the garden. This wasn't a cat, this was a dog. He had very little fear, I mean, he couldn't even hear the birds making a racket or the car driving by or the dog barking next door. He was fixated on me.

I bought him a blow up boat, to use in the pool, to help him get used to floating on water. It was a huge boat for his little size, but he'd hop in, and I'd “treat” him while he got used to the motion. The plan was to build him up to a real boat, or canoe or SUP. I could imagine him walking on water.

He was also great with other cats, so I could take him to visit his cousin and they'd play all day (if we'd let them). He'd come with me to visit other family and then... well, then the real adventures started. Mijo and I could go to the river, the park and the beach. We also went for coffee at the busiest part in the local village, and he took it all in his stride. We took bike rides too, as he sat in a special backpack I had for him. I could hold him while skateboarding or put him on my shoulder as I walked around. He was chill, happy to see and smell his silent world.

When Alex or I came home, and he'd be in the bedroom snoozing or gazing out the window, we could come in, take off our shoes, put our stuff down, maybe run to the loo, then we could snuggle up with him, cause he hadn't heard us arrive. He would just be waiting... He'd just wait for someone to step close enough, blow on his ear, feel a vibration and then he'd meow a big BIG hello, purr and snuggle. He was a no pressure cat... But always ready for hugs and pats.

Besides being deaf, he just didn't seem like any other cat I'd had or even met...

But isn't the way it is with all pets? They're all unique.

He loved Alex. He always had a hard decision between my lap and hers, or sleeping close to one or the other. We had a son to take care of, to love and to enjoy. At the beginning, Alex wasn't sure about having a cat, she'd pretty much always been a dog person, but it didn't take long for Mijo to wrap her around his little paw. She was hooked.

We thought he was going to be grow up to become a big boy. You know, Maine Coon sized 5-6 or maybe 7 kilo. We had high hopes for a dog-like cat, big enough to take on the world. We wanted to show him the world too.

After he had his snip (desexing) in mid March, he wasn't very well, and it really traumatized all of us, we just weren't sure why he took it so badly. He was in a lot of pain, even though the operation itself was quick and really good, with no issues. He would spend the day, in his “bread loaf” position, with his nose to the ground. It was like he was conserving all his energy for when we came home or wanted his attention.

Eventually, after a few weeks he bounced back, back to being his usual self, for a while. He actually lost a lot of fur during this time, most likely due to a reaction to the antibiotics and pain killers. Where his collar and harness were, he lost all his hair. It only took a few days, a bit too quick to realize what was going on, he rarely wore the collar or harness after that. It meant we sometimes lost him in the house without his bell on to tell which room he was in, so I'd be running around turning on and off the lights to get his attention and a meow.

It was our fun game of “Mijo Polo”.

We had noticed he wasn't eating as much, and he wasn't as playful. In fact, all his toys were being ignored, and he rarely chased anything we teased him with. When we took him for playtime with his cousin, he wouldn't last as long play fighting. Something was up, we thought he'd bounce back by now.

Overall, he was a very chilled cat, having just had an operation and now with, ringworm, a tooth problem (one adult tooth was causing him problems and needed to be pulled) maybe that was why he wasn't too interested in food. Surely it wasn't bacteria, an infection or a virus in his blood.

In early May, Mijo developed ringworm, which, by the way, isn't a worm but rather a fungal infection. The vet already had us on anti fungal cream day and night. It's very unusual to get ringworm; it's all around us, but a strong immune system, actually, a decent immune system, would fight off any infection naturally. Cats generally just lick it all off their fur. Humans sometimes get it, from a scratch or a wound. It's in the soil, it's in the air.

When we got the treatment for the ringworm, we also gave him an appetite stimulant, to encourage him to eat, but it made little difference. As nothing changed, we went back to the vet a few days later, and did a hypothyroidism test; the results were borderline.

What could be going on?

At the time of his desexing operation, he was 1.7 kilos, a week later he was down to 1.5 and eventually 1.45 kilo. His body was growing a little, but his muscle and fat wasn't.

We talked to the vet and decided, even though his ringworm was infectious, the tooth had to go, sooner rather than later. It seemed logical that it was his biggest barrier to fulfilling his dietary requirements and his well being. We wanted him fattening up, growing up, and being his usual self again, ASAP. We needed to get him back on track towards good health, enough was enough.

On Monday 17th May I dropped the little guy off at the vet for the day. A check up and a tooth pull.

Before any cat gets an anesthetic, they run a simple blood test to determine if the cat is well enough. During the day we got a call that the operation couldn't happen, and that he'd have to stay in over night or longer, with meds to help him, because his red cell blood count was low. 10%. Most cats need around 40%, if there's any complication with the tooth pull, his blood may not clot.

It's official, he was very unwell.

I was at school when I got the news. I was in shock. Our little boy was that unwell? But he does eat (a little), he does walk on the lead with me, he's eating his treats... was he that unwell?

Suddenly we had to decide on some expensive tests to figure out what was wrong with him. I mean, the red blood cells were being eaten up by the white ones, but why?? We arranged the suggested tests and they kept him in over night.

I was very distraught. How can my little guy be so unwell yet behave well? With that blood count, he shouldn't be able to walk, he should be so lethargic that he can't keep his head up!! He should be in a coma.

All in all, theoretically, he should be dead.

So was it dwarfism, hypothyroidism, mycoplasma??? And and and?? Tests... Blood being taken.. Our boy in the vet over night, alone, worried, scared??? Will he make it through the night? I didn't sleep well...

On Tuesday afternoon the vet let us bring him home. His blood level was down to 9.1%. The idea was that, at least at home he'd have cuddles and love, and that might help his immune system. He was lethargic but not completely terrible. I would need to bring him in on Wednesday for another blood test, to see how he was doing.

On Wednesday, it didn't go well, Mijo had gone from 9 to 8.1% blood level. It was now becoming almost impossible to get any blood out of him. I saw how difficult it was 2 weeks earlier when he had the hypothyroid test, they had to try on both legs and his neck to get a half mil of blood! He was a champ and barely complained. But now, I couldn't imagine the pain he went through with even less blood.

He's been that sick for how long?? Why hadn't we noticed?

We were panicking.

The vet suggested we meet with a mature, more experienced doc, on Thursday. We should be able to figure something out, we had to. Each day = less blood = more chance of...

Well, I am a hopeful guy. I realize, I live on hope. I spent years hoping certain people in my life would change, or love me in a way that I feel some love. I always hope things will change for the better. I don't know why, but it's ingrained in me to feel hopelessness or hope... I think I'm never in the middle... or is that called acceptance? OK, maybe I do feel that too, eventually... But it takes a long long time...

I have videos of Mijo on Thursday 20th, he's cleaning himself in the sun, meowing and purring, happy to see me, walking around the garden with me. Full of life and adventure.

At lunch time, Mijo and I go to the vet. He is his usual cute self, always curious at the vets, and now there's a the new guy he's meeting, what an adventure.

Before he opens the cat box he said something along the lines of “Well, because his blood levels are so low, today is really about deciding if he goes to heaven or not...” I'm not sure, but I know I heard words like “heaven” and “euthanasia” early on in the consultation. Shock was setting in. I barely heard anything else he said, luckily we had Alex on the speaker phone.

Turns out, not only is our little guy deaf, he's an anomaly.

Any cat with 8.1% should be comatose. They should barely be able to walk. They certainly can't pee or poo without help and don't drink or eat much. Mijo came out of his box and sniffed around, was alert and ready to meet the new guy!!

The vet was stumped. He had never seen this before, in over 30 years...

We didn't know he was so sick, because, he was, overall, a well behaved cat. His weight he lost, sure, but he was now at least stable. He was eating, it just took a lot of creativity sometimes to spark his interest (mostly warming up meals and giving him treats).

The vet tried to explain to me, but I'm sure Alex on the phone understood it clearly, that we had very little time, well, no time. We had 3 choices that day. Go to a specialist an hour's drive away, give Mijo steroids and hope he had mycoplasma or Immune mediated hemolytic anemia (IMHA) or, lastly, euthanasia.

Wait???? What does that even mean??

The specialist would give him a blood transfusion, and some special custom drugs which should help him. The vet said it could cost in the 10s of thousands, and may help Mijo for a few weeks, but it's not a solution that we are sure would be long term or not.

Giving Mijo steroids would give him a fighting chance, or not... Basically it could cure or kill him. Because we aren't sure what is the cause of the low blood count, it could be IMHA, mycoplasma or something else, but it's a best educated guess at this rate. If it is the wrong choice, he may die quicker than expected.

Euthanasia, no explanation needed.

We decided on steroids. According to the vet, there was a 50/50 chance it would work. If the cause of the blood cells killing off each other was for or against steroids, we'd know soon enough. Still shocked I tried to understand it all. I'm so grateful Alex was on the line and knows this stuff through experience and study.

The idea of taking Mijo an hour's drive north to the specialist, to a cubicle, a place where we may not be with him 24/7, on the off chance that he wouldn't make it and die alone, we couldn't fathom that.

Mijo took the steroid injection like a champ, he always did injections well. He was given some antibiotics to also help. The vet said, that by Saturday we'll know if it was the right decision. We'd know if he would be getting better...

It was decided that on Monday 24th we'd go back in for a blood test to actually see if the steroids were working (cause apparently one can't really tell with Mijo's behavior, the cheeky monkey).

Mijo and I came home, and well, he ate, he was purring, sitting on my lap. The usual deal. When I went out to get the washing in, he tried to go out too, something we, as parents, have been very protective about. He doesn't go out alone, he doesn't go out without a lead or a bell. He's not an easy cat to find if he runs off, not that he has ever tried. He deaf, he can't hear cars or other dangers out there.

I promised him I'd take him out to that side of the house/garden that afternoon...

So we did, we went out, we sat down, he explored. He was well, good, better, best. He was my boy. He trusted me, I trusted him. I'm always amazed how well he walks by my side, like a dog, with loose leash... Taking my steps as cues when to walk, and when to stop.

We also met the neighbor's dog, which was a first, both were not really interested in each other... But still, Mijo knew there's a lot to live for...

Overnight he went great... Woke up with him on my chest relaxing waiting for me to get up and feed him, luckily I have a wife who had to get up for work at that moment. I remember she sang him a lullaby and held him like a baby. It was really sweet to see how much love they had for each other. Rock-a-bye Mijo...

We wanted to him feel as much love as we could. We felt that, if the steroids and antibiotics were doing their part, and we did ours, there's nothing he can't beat. And he sure felt the love...

I held him while doing some singing exercises, close to my chest. It was something we hadn't done before, and he purred. He'd look up and meow every time I stopped making vibrations. He felt it, I felt it, it was a connection.

We spent a lot of time, reading, relaxing and sitting on laps. Alex and I cuddled him, told him we loved him. He was really fighting. He was eating. He was a little more playful than in recent weeks. He wanted to live. We could feel it...

He went from eating half a packet to 1.5 packets a day, plus dry food. He always wanted treats, and I was always glad to oblige.

By Saturday he was wonder cat! Kneading... Purring... Chasing toys... Eager to hang out...

We'd overcome the problem! He was getting better. There's fight, love and life left in him. He was amazing. If it hadn't been for his ringworm (which was also healing very very well) I'd say he was perfect, especially once he put on another few grams...

We had 4 awesome days, loads of energy and love. He was never alone in the house, and rarely alone in a room. We wanted him to know, to feel, that we loved him so deeply and that all we want was him in our life, for adventures and cuddles.

On Monday morning, his appetite went down... He didn't really eat much...

We all left for the day, work and school. I think we were all worried, but he'd been so good and improved so so much, that we were sure he'd be fine. We have the blood test booked for the afternoon, I'm sure he'll pep up by then. The injection could be wearing off too...

Mijo and I went in to the vet, and his test came back at 14%!!! Damn, that's 6 points!! The vet expected 3 to be a big improvement. In fact, if he had 3 or less, euthanasia may have been the only option... Happy days! He was well. He's going to live! He'll be fine.

We're not out of the woods yet, but we are in the right direction.

All that love we lavished on him, not just in the past days, but the past 4 months. The adventures, the friends he'd made (both human and animal) the smells and sights he'd seen, the vibrations he felt, it was all coming together... He was a fighter with a lot of love to give...

We were over joyed. Really, I couldn't have been happier when I got the results. I gave a “whoop” and threw my fist in the air (I've never done that before in my life!).

We changed to tablet form steroids, as they'll be better long term, keep up the antibiotics and off we go...

But we all know, that often people and animals, when they know they are dying, they give it one last shot. And that was it... We didn't realize until Wednesday, that he wasn't actually going to get better...

Mijo stopped grooming himself, he slowly ate less and less... He became more and more lethargic, he started to sit in the “bread loaf” position with his nose on the ground, as he did after the snip, resting. We thought it was the change in steroids, and as I was at school and the girls at work, we just kept thinking he'd pep up eventually.

When I left for school Wednesday morning, he was alert, but lethargic. When I came home early to check on him, he had really changed again.

His belly was a little bloated, but he had hardly eaten. He had trouble walking, it seemed like it was a mix of muscle degradation/pain and confusion. His meowing changed to a high pitch cry, similar to that of a young kitten. He also stopped eating, he wouldn't even touch any of his tasty treats. He searched for any bit of sun to stand in, but he was looking so uncomfortable, his posture had changed, half sitting, half standing. I was grateful, when I carried him to his water bowl, that he drank a lot. He also went to the toilet, I held his tail so he didn't make a mess on himself.

We spent the afternoon outside, as the sun started to set. He loved the sun, I wanted him to feel warmth... I held him, talked to him. I don't know now many times I asked him to please hold on, please fight and that I loved him. He looked more comfortable in the sun.

I did film us walking around the pool. I am forever grateful for technology, so that I could just put my phone down, touch a button and record a moment. As we walked and talked, oblivious to the camera, I recognized a change in his breathing... I may have missed it previously, but for sure, his breath was becoming more and more labored. Every 3 or 4 breaths, he just had to try harder... His eyes were changing too... But I was sure he could recognize me, the way the vibrations from my chest reached his body and the way I smell. He would react from time to time, shifting or clawing at me.

He often touched my chest with his paw. Reaching out...

Mum and I went to the vet late Wednesday afternoon, the earliest we could. I explained it must be the change of steroids. No, it wasn't. They were the same type, it was just that he wasn't able to fight anymore. We discussed the specialist, called them and made a plan to go in first thing in the morning. I arranged for a friend to come with me, and Thursday morning bright and early, we were going up to get Mijo cured. Transfusion, drugs, you name it, we were going to do it. We had to, we told him we'd make him better.

There and then, Alex and I decided to trade in our honeymoon, you know from the wedding we had 13 months ago and still haven't done the traditional thing of a week or two away somewhere. We decided the money we had aside for that, would go to Mijo's specialist costs, because without Mijo, our honeymoon, whatever and whenever we decide to do it, wouldn't be worth doing, if he wasn't around.

I made a firm plan on how to help him through the night. We would hold him in shifts... All 3 of us... If one showered, the other held him. Dinner time, we shared the responsibility, not that we ate much anyhow. We cuddled, we talked, we purred, I would blow gently on his head... He was feeling love and he was fighting...

Because he hadn't eaten all day, we decided to try feeding him with a syringe, with success. With the tablets we were putting into his stomach, I felt he needed something else down there too... With a small syringe, he took it well, lapping up a tasty liquid treat.

When it was bed time, we put pillows around the bed, incase he fell, because he was very wobbly on his feet. He would cry out at random times, possibly from pain, but I think more from confusion. He sometimes wanted to get away from us, as we know, pets know when it's time and usually disappear, isolate.

We barely slept. I managed about 3 hours... But it was tough.. He wouldn't stay still, and eventually we put him in his little bed, near our bed... Of course he didn't stay there long.

At 4am I heard him crying... I found him under the bed... Alex woke up too... His breathing had changed a lot... Every breath was labored. He wasn't getting enough oxygen.

I laid on my back, and Mijo laid on my chest. This was how it often was, especially when I was reading... We did that until around 7am... Alex taking turns, holding him, talking to him, loving him. Mijo could barely hold himself up, he just laid in our arms... Breathing... His eyes began to glaze over...

We discussed our options, we felt the specialist was now a long shot. We didn't think he'd make the drive, he was near the end. Our little man had little fight left... And we wouldn't forgive ourselves for him dying in a foreign place. There were a lot of tears and back and forwards, including mum coming in for cuddles with the little guy at 5am...

Alex called the emergency vet, and we planned to go in at 8:30... Mijo's time had come...

When the sun comes up, if the blind is open in our bedroom, the sun shines right on through to Alex in bed, Mijo was in her arms, while she drank coffee as the sun rose.

Sometime later I took the little guy out to the pool, where we walked and talked, cuddled and loved, around and around, in the morning sun. I talked to him about all the adventures we had, riding bikes, visiting people, the beach and the river. I spent most of that hour, holding him, looking to his eyes... He gazed up, I just hope he knew it was me. I just knew he felt the vibrations of my words.

We both told him, it was OK to let go now. We were ready. But he kept on fighting for each breath... I think he was just like his Dad, always hopeful..

He last moments at home, where in the chair I'm sat in now. It gets the best light, first thing, even though it's inside the “catio”. Alex had sat down while I was walking outside, I seem to do better when I walk, and I brought him in for cuddles with her in the sun... He was bathed in sunshine, in Alex's arms... It was beautiful...

Actually getting in the car and going to the vet, was tough, but it really hit me when I walked in. I held the little guy, and just burst into middle-aged-man tears and sobbing... If you were there, you'd know I was my mother's son, cause she was sobbing too... I couldn't look anyone in the eye... I didn't understand what was going on, or about to go on...

I think I was in another place...

We went into a consult room, and I just laid the little guy down, not thinking of using the blanket we had... The vet explained the procedure and took him away for his catheter and first injection, some anesthetic? I don't know, but apparently it was the right thing, it helped with his pain.

I couldn't even look Alex or Mum in the eye... I just cried...

I still had hope...

When they came back, Mijo was wrapped in a soft blanket, what a great idea...!! He was quieter, more peaceful... The vet left to give us a moment...

He was still breathing, still fighting... I put my ear to his face, and heard him...

I kept making sure his eye lids closed from time to time. I remember back when Catalina, my little girl in Germany, needed to be anesthetized for a check up. The vet put some put liquid drops in her eyes and made her blink, so her eyes didn't dry out... So for Mijo, I did that every once in a while... I didn't want his eyes to dry up... I wanted him to be able to see me, because laying on that table, he couldn't hear me.

I begged Alex not to bring the vet back in for the final injection... I think I may have screamed something at her... I don't know... I wasn't me... I was trying to hold him in my arms, without moving him... I was trying to give him another chance...

I bawled...

I don't know if I have ever cried like that before... I thought I'd be all cried out... I thought all my tears had already left the building the previous hours and days... But there was more... a lot more... and more to come...

I know that Alex and I held hands over his body... I felt the love... I felt his warmth... his breathing... I know I cried tears onto him, there were tear drops on his lips...

I looked him in the eye as much as I could, but mostly, I cried...

I felt the liquid go into him, I felt it go around my hand into him...

I don't know much about what happened after that... I know I didn't want to leave him, I had promised him I would never do it. I regret not holding him once more... I know that at that moment, I felt the life drain out of me... I felt hope die...

I walked out, not knowing what to do, and flopped down on the grass outside... I never sit on grass, but Mijo liked it...

I managed to drive home...

That was yesterday...

Since then I've tried to rest, tried to come to grips with what has happened, tried to connect with a few friends, I've tried... I'm still trying...

This morning I got up wanting to do some sport, washing, then study and take on the day with confidence... It's a new day, I should take that opportunity to get back into my routine... It took all of 1 minute, from bed to bathroom, to be bawling... Except for the time I manage to calm down enough to type this blog, I've been crying... It's now 10am... I was awake at 6:15...

We are running out of tissues..

I felt so bad this morning, I wanted to plead with Alex not to go to work, because I just can't today. I just can't. We have discussed how she copes in these situations, and I know that's how she copes, by going to work, so I kept my trap shut. I just want her to hug me all day, so I can feel her warmth.

I cried so much on the drive to drop mum off at work this morning, she started crying too, and contemplated not going to work... She wanted to be there for me, but I told her, honestly, I don't think I'd be much company today.

I don't know the grieving process, we haven't learnt that in counseling school yet, but I do know, I'm feeling very lost... I feel very numb...

I can't explain it, and maybe that's why folks can never really explain how they feel after someone close to them, or their pet, has passed. We are just lost.

I also feel that I am grieving for my other losses in my life. It's a bit like, it's a culmination of all the others before him, plus him on top, making me feel pain like I have never experienced before.

Grief is just love, with no place to go... Alex and I talked about that quote last night. I used this quote to help me through leaving my 4 pets in Germany, I know I have to find a new place for my love, but for now, I just can't.

I know I couldn't have gotten through this without the support of my Mum and Alex...

While Mum cries at the drop of a hat, she is solid and thoughtful and loving. Alex is strong and experienced in these matters. She knew what to say, and when, even if I did yell back… Both have a lot of time and patience for me.

I know Alex and Mum feel bad, maybe even guilty, for choosing him. Mijo was a present, to give me joy and love and comfort. And he sure did, in multitudes, to all of us. I would never have gotten a cat back then, I didn't feel Alex or I were ready, we were still working through our issues with our pets in Germany.

Alex and I decided that we want Mijo home with us. He was only on this earth for 6.5 months, we expected him to be with us for 10+ years. Taken too early. Once he's cremated we'll have him in a little urn. He was so small, but if there's a little left over, we will either plant a tree with his ashes or sprinkle him down by the river, the first place he went to that was close to water.

The past day or so, I have shared what happened with some friends, classmates and family, and everyone has been so thoughtful and caring. Thank you, it's really helped to know you're all out there, thinking of the little guy. He would have loved to meet you all.

He was perfection. If someone else had gotten him, realized he was deaf, they may not have given him the adventures and life he had. Mum considers him a rescue cat...

So here I am, in the chair, his last chair in his last moments at home.

I can still smell him on my shirt. When I walk around the house, dazed, I sniff my shirt. He had a wonderful smell. The smell of love and adventure. I hope that smell lasts a life time.

I miss his warmth, his meow, which was damn loud!! I miss, that sometimes he'd get lost around the house... Or he'd lose me, around the house. He was gentle, and only bit me once, by accident, piercing my thumb a little. I miss the fact he had 1 tooth growing forward, directly out, making him a tri-toothed kitten with a protruding top lip! He took on the world without fear. I've never experienced anything like it in a cat. My girl Catalina did sit on my shoulder as I walked down the street in Germany, but Mijo, he let me go skateboarding with him, played guitar with me (he'd chew the strings) and one time, I even vacuumed his tail.

All trust. No fear.

Back when he lost all his hair around his neck and stomach after his snip operation, we were pretty concerned. Funnily enough, it grew back pretty quickly, but it grew back white, not grey. He had a ring around his neck and kind of marks on his back wrapping around to his belly. Alex googled it, and actually found out, cats can often have their hair grow back white after trauma or experiencing extremes of temperature if their hair was cut short or fell out.

About a month ago, I sent my dearest of friends, Sandra, a photo of his regrowth, and she commented looks like “little angel wings”...

Fly on little wing, fly on...

RIP Mijo Angus

12-11-2020 – 27-05-2021

Thanks for reading,

Josh

#pet #pet love #pet death #sad story #loss #griefandloss

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yeongwvnhi · 3 years

Text

》일어나《

Supernatural creatures AU

Taglist (send an ask if you want to be added) : @twancingyunhoe @vickylamore @glxwingstar @se0--0ho

Genre: angst!!, fluff, suggestive

Rating: 16+

General Warnings: Supernatural creatures (vampires, werewolves etc), blood, violence, weapons, language, death, poisoning and just dark themes in general.

Chapter Specific Warnings: drinking, poisoning, blood, major character death

Pairing: ONEUS x fem reader 》choose your ending

Synopsis: somehow you came back to life just about a day after dying, scaring the poor guys who work at the mortuary one late night as you flee, not knowing where to go before they found you.

Word count: 2.1k [thanks to @kingleedo for beta-reading <3]

》Next《》Masterlist《

》><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><《

The loud music was keeping the whole street awake. Another frat party from your friend group is taking place again. The smell of potions, alcohol and other mixtures hung heavy in the air as you were dancing with your friends. You all had a glass of whatever you drank in your hands and were swinging around to the beat of the Songs that were playing and just enjoying yourselves.

"Hey Y/N!" your friend calls over the loud music, "Junghwa and his friend keep glancing over here and talking, I saw them mouthing your name a few times!"

A confused pout forms on your face as you sneak a glance at said guys only for them to quickly avert their eyes. "Thanks for letting me know, Hae-in" You mouth over the booming bass and she smiles back at you, mouthing a 'no problem' right back at you.

Finishing your potion in a swift sip you shake a little and put your glass down on the kitchen island, feeling the nice buzz keeping you relaxed as your eyes lazily fly over the crowd in the house. This really was one of those parties where half of the campus came.

At some point Junghwa came over to you and leaned in to talk to you, "You look tired, should I take you home, Noona?"

With half-lidded eyes you barely register him but nod, not knowing what kind of potion you actually drank - you doubt it was one to give you the buzz you were desiring as you felt anything but energetic - lethargic actually. It felt like it was draining everything out of you from the inside out.

Junghwa's worried look goes unnoticed by you as you scramble to get your stuff and leave, just waving at your friends across the room before exiting with Junghwa in front of you.

"You look like you drank some Vampire's booze instead of yours" He comments as he watches you struggling to even step forward without stumbling.

"I- I think so too" You mumble, body feeling heavy, like something was pulling you down and to the side.

"Y/N careful-" Junghwa was barely able to finish his sentence before you fell.

Luckily, he's got quick reflexes so he caught you. "Noona you really don't look good"

"Take me to my father" You mumble, feeling hot all of a sudden, then shivering like you're in the deepest winter. "I-I think someone put Spirit-Iron in my drink when I was distracted…." After that you were out like a light and Junghwa panicked, so he ran to get you home.

—

"Mister L/N!" Junghwa yells after entering the huge house, you in his arms, still unconscious. "It's an emergency!"

Hwanseok was practically flying down the stairs after hearing that and didn't know what to say. "What happened?!'

Junghwa hands you over to your father and follows him quickly into the house's own infirmary. "She said someone must've put- uh… spirit-iron in her drink"

He watches all the color draining from your fathers face. "No way"

"Why..?"

"Because Y/N could die because of that if we don't get help within the next 24 hours!" Hwanseok almost yells. "Fuck, I hope Seoho is in the city"

Junghwa recognizes the name and lights up. "I think I've seen him a few hours prior to the party somewhere, sir"

Hwanseok puts you into the bed and goes down into the kitchen with Junghwa. "We need to find him, he's our only hope since Y/N can't do anything"

"I know where to find him" Junghwa says and stands up, "I'll go and get him immediately"

"Thank you, Junghwa" Your father says and gives the man a tight smile, watching him leave. "Haeryeong!"

—

Junghwa was walking through the rather busy streets of Seoul towards the forest, hands in his pockets and fast paced steps. He didn't exactly know where their house was, but he knew it was deep in the woods.

"Yah" Someone calls after him from behind. "Where are you heading?"

Junghwa halts his steps and turns around, eyeing the blonde guy who stood a few feet away from him. "Is that any of your business?" Junghwa gives a snarky reply.

"I think it is, because you're heading for my home, phantom"

Junghwa clicks his tongue. "I'm looking for the Necromancer"

The guy raises a brow and crosses his arms in front of his chest. "What do you want from him?"

Junghwa groans and pinches the bridge of his nose. "My friend drank a whole glass of spirit-iron and her father said she has less than 24 hours to live" He says, "Is that reason enough?!"

The blonde guy's eyes widen and he steps forward. "Fuck okay" he hisses, "You wait here, I'm bringing him"

So he relents, running into the forest and Junghwa waits.

—

"Mister L/N! I'm back!" Junghwa loudly announces after entering the house with two more people. "I brought… them"

Hwanseok meets them at the entrance and bows. "Thank you Junghwa" He says and then turns to the other two. "And thank you a lot for coming"

"Don't worry about it" the one with green hair speaks up, a friendly smile adorning his face. "We're here to help after all"

"Let me see what I can do" Seoho then says and Hwanseok leads them into the room you're in.

"Oh god, the smell" the grain haired guy says and scrunched his nose, "it reeks of spirit-iron"

Your father turns to him. "Junghwa told me how she said she thinks she drank it"

Seoho steps closer, inspecting you closely. "When did he bring her here?"

"About 3 hours ago. They were at a party"

"I see…" The sorcerer nods and puts a gloved hand on your forehead briefly. "Spirit-Iron is illegal, I wonder who got it and how it got into her drink. According to her state, she doesn't have much time, but you knew that already, I presume"

"Can you.. do anything?" Hwanseok asks with trembling hands.

Seoho exchanges glances with his companion for a few seconds before he speaks. "You see, Mister L/N, his healing abilities aren't all that strong… he can only try and get the toxin out of her system"

"But I can't guarantee for her to wake up again" Seoho adds, a frown pulling at his lips. "If you want me to, I will try and get it out of her, but like I said, I can't guarantee anything"

Your father hides his face behind his hands, a shaky exhale escaping him. "Please… please do it" He almost begs, "If you can't save her… at least you tried"

The two men look at each other again at the state your father is in. "Come on, sir, we'll leave him to do what he can and I'll try and explain everything to you"

Hwanseok just nods and lets the other guy lead him away, closing the door to the room and hoping that Seoho can help you.

"Okay Sir, first of all, I'm Leedo and I accompany him almost everywhere he goes so I know what he's doing" Leedo starts explaining, "he's going to use some magic and pull the iron out of her between the cells- I know it sounds disgusting, but it doesn't hurt and is the safest way to get everything out. Then he will try and stabilize her vitals with a few healing spells"

"How high are the chances that she's going to make it?" Your father asks with glassy eyes and Leedo sighs.

"You said it's been 3 hours so… about 65 percent, since you acted quickly. I'm sure she will get through, Seoho Hyung knows what he's doing, even if he's not the best healer"

Hwanseok nods, running a hand through his hair. "Thank you, I'm sure he will get her back"

Leedo pats your father's shoulder and stands up. "This procedure might take a while. How about we ask if the one who brought her here knows something more?"

"That sounds like a plan. He's probably talking to Yongjun right now" Hwanseok says and stands up, gesturing Leedo to follow him while walking down a hallway. "Yongjun is Y/N's younger brother. I bet he already knows what's going on after my wife freaked out"

"I'm sorry to hear that, I hope she's alright"

Your father nods and opens a door, revealing your brother and Junghwa. "Hey, Junghwa, come with us please"

Said guy wordlessly nods and follows the two men back into the kitchen, all taking a seat. "You're the one who brought her, right?" Leedo asks and he nods. "Alright, Junghwa. I'm Leedo and I want to ask you a few question if that's okay"

Again, he just nods while Hwanseok silently listens in. "So, Mister L/N told me you brought her here from a party?" Leedo asks, eyes meeting Junghwa.

"I did" He agrees, "We were at one of our University's frat parties and she was with her friends almost the whole time"

"Where were you? And did anyone seem suspicious to you?" The green haired man asks, folding his hands in front of him.

"I was always in her line of sight" He answers and scratches his ear, eyes averting to the left for a split second. "I was talking to a friend myself, so I didn't see much going on where she was standing. I only passed by once to go to the bathroom"

Leedo nods, making a mental note before continuing. "Does she have enemies?"

At that question, the male goes quiet for a minute, before finally answering. "I don't think so. I only know how there's one girl in our year who's jealous of her about pretty much everything, but I'm not sure if she was at that party"

"Okay, thank you, that should suffice for now" Leedo nods and pushes the hair which was falling into his face back with a hand. "I think Seoho Hyung is almost done, I'll go and check on him"

Hwanseok nods and Leedo leaves to go back into the infirmary room, just at the right moment. "Quick! I need your help!" Seoho frantically exclaims, hands pressing down on your stomach. "I don't know what happened, but while I was extracting the Iron- this huge wound opened!"

Leedo hurries to his side, taking Seoho's place and pressing down on your wound so the sorcerer could seal your wound.

"Hyung, something is horribly wrong with the smell of her blood" Leedo comments and meets Seoho's frantic gaze.

"What do you mean?!"

"It smells like Vampire-Root"

"Fuck!"

—

Hwanseok has sent Junghwa home after Leedo went back upstairs and has calmed his wife down, now sitting in the living room and trying to keep a positive mind by reading through the newspaper.

It worked until about an hour later both Leedo and Seoho came downstairs, hands bloody and faces fallen.

"Oh bloody hell what happened!" Your father yells in shock as he almost falls out of his chair and speed-walks towards the two men.

Seoho's head lowered as he stared at the blood on his and Leedo's hands.

"There were complications. Not only was your daughter poisoned with Spirit-Iron but also Vampire-Root. There was nothing we could do" Leedo spoke for Seoho. "We're so sorry.."

Your father broke down on the spot and the two men exchanged sorrowful glances. "S-She was the b-best healer in thi-this land" he sobs, "what an i-irony that she got poisoned"

"Sir I wish I could do more for you but-" Seoho says, voice catching in his throat, "but i can't bring her back"

"N-No we wouldn't want you to" your father shakes his head. "I'm still thankful t-that you tried to help"

"I think we should leave…" Leedo says. "Again, we're so sorry"

"It's okay… I-I hope you find the door" Hwanseok sobs and the two guys leave right away, shortly before Haeryeong finds her husband.

—

Seoho and Leedo take a secluded path back into the woods, hands still bloody and sorrow in Seoho's eyes, but they couldn't care less. It irked Seoho to no end about the blood on them from someone who never did harm to anyone before, but still got poisoned in such a brutal way. It was more angering for Seoho to know he failed. He's certain he could have saved you, but yet you died under his and Leedo's hands. If only he knew about the Vampire-Root earlier, he could have definitely saved you, but now it's too late and he couldn't bring you back - his conscience would never let him, and neither would his friends.

#yuki writes #내꺼 하자 #kwritersworldnet #oneus #oneus angt #oneus fluff #tw blood #tw death #tw poison #tw poisoning #yeongwvnhi.txt

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pixie88 · 3 years

Text

Delilah

Chapter 1 - Alone - Third A&E Series.

A/N: I originally posted this on a side blog but I was having trouble switching between the two and I also didn’t want to start again. As I said there this A&E series is a lot more darker, hitting RL subjects I have been through myself please don’t judge me as you can’t make me feel an worse than I have made myself in the past. The stigma around these subjects are real and so many people don’t speak out about them. Friends and family don’t even know the secrets I will reveal in these chapters as I am ashamed and worry about what they will think. I hope this helps even just one person realise they aren’t alone. I hope you like it 😘

I’m not going to annoy people with re-tags, so I’m not tagging in these first two chapters as most my usual tags have read it.

Find previous chapters HERE under Together - Adam & Ellie.

Word count: 1905

WARNINGS: ⚠️ Angst & adult language.

Pairings: Adam x Ellie.

Enjoy!

A Year and a half after the last chapter of A&E Together.

"She's beautiful, Ellie! A girl! We have a little girl," she looks over to him feeding their daughter. All the panic and worry was worth it! She thought to herself as she's getting stitched up.

16 week's earlier.

This pregnancy had been harder on her than Charlie's, her morning sickness had carried on until 24 weeks, she was in pain with her hips and back. Adam made her give up work at 32 weeks. She was reluctant, but knew he was right, plus at home, she could do more research on shops for sale in London.

By the time she had hit 36 weeks she had found the perfect shop, they had a cheeky weekend away in London to view the property while Ellie's mum had Charlie for them. Being heavily pregnant they didn't do much sight seeing, but they did spent a lot of time tangled beneath the sheets in the hotel room. This would probably be the last time in a long time they would have time alone, so they wanted to make the most of it.

When they arrived back home Ellie had to sort out the internal and external work. She had put in an offer and was in the proceeds of owning the new shop being, so close to the end of her pregnancy Adam took over all the dealings of the new shop not wanting his wife stressed. 40 weeks Ellie woke on her due date irritated and fed up with being pregnant their little lady showed no signs of wanting to come out.

That afternoon Ellie was in the bathroom when she thought her water had broken, looking down at the floor, she was expecting to see clear waters but instead she saw crimson red puddles of blood. She calls out to Adam who was downstairs soon rushed up to his panicked wife. Shock grew on his face as he saw what had her so panicky. He quickly regained his composure, trying not to worry his heavily pregnant wife.

Adam quickly called her midwife who told them to head to the hospital after dropping Charlie at Elaine's door. He helped an hysterical Ellie into the car. On the way her contractions started they were very close together so when they arrived, he practically had to bridal carry her out to the car with her bag to the labour ward where they handed him a wheel chair. Once in the delivery suite and after a few puffs of gas and air Ellie start to calm down she was so mellow that she wasn't even bothered when the doctor took a sample of her blood, she usually hated blood tests but the gas and air had worked its magic.

When the doctor came in Ellie was completely out of it. Between contractions, she was drifting, those few seconds between each one felt like heaven "Sorry, did you say your name is Doctor Curry? I bet you had the korma taken out of you at school!" she laughs at her own joke, then apologizes when she realised what she had said "Don't worry, I know it's the gas and air talking believe me, I've had worse. We are just going to listen to baby and see how they are! OK?" She nods.

After 10 minutes whooshing the doctor and midwife didn't look very happy with the result "What's wrong?" She asked him. He had that look all doctor have when they're about to tell you bad news "You baby's heart beat keeps dipping" tears started forming in her eyes "Dipping? What do you mean?" He hands her a tissue "Mrs Barlow, we want to deliver your baby as safely as possible and with the fluctuations of their heart beat you have an hour to deliver this baby, or we will have to take you down to theatre for an emergency c-section" her heart sank "But how am I going to have a baby in less than an hour? She just said I'm only 3 centimetres" She looks up at Adam, he's calm which soothe her.

"Well, we need to first break your waters, hopefully that should speed things along a bit. So, I'm going to leave Charlotte here to do that and I will be back in half an hour to see how you are doing" DR. Curry makes his way for the door. "Ellie, after your next contraction I'm going try and break your waters. So, I need you to tell me when it's over, OK?" Ellie nods the next contraction comes and goes. Charlotte successful breaks her waters "That feels so warm!" Ellie laughs just as the next contraction starts to build.

"Oh my god! I feel like I need to push!" She screams as the contraction takes hold. "Ellie if you need to push, then push, but little pushes!" Scared her body is tricking her, she refuses "I can't! You said I was only 3 centimetres. I'm not ready!" She hisses at Charlotte "Hey Ellie, listen to me if that's what your body wants to do then do it. I will keep an eye if nothing happens we will stop! OK? You need to trust what your body is telling you to do!"

The next contraction build she begins to push... crashing Adam's hand in the process until it fades again "You're doing brilliant, beautiful" Adam kisses her forehead "Anything?" She asks her midwife "Well, I can see the top of baby's head..." She's cut off by the next contractions "There's the head" Charlotte tells her "With the next contraction she'll be here" another starts and Ellie pushes again "And here she is 7:43PM welcome to the world little one!" Charlotte says as she cleans her up.

"Ellie, you did it again! She's here!" Adam cups her face and kisses her lips "Skin to skin?" Charlotte asks, Ellie nods "I'll just get Daddy to cut the cord" she looks over to Adam and hands him the scissors. He proudly cuts through the cord before Charlotte moves her to Ellie's chest "Does she have a name?" Charlotte looks at both of them "We're still haven't decid..." she cuts Adam off "Delilah!" Ellie looks up at Adam as the brightest smile appears on his face "Aww that's lovely! Where did you get that from?" She asks the pair.

"It was my Nan's name" Adam says not quite believing she finally had a name and a name that means something to him. "That's sweet! Ellie do you want to give Delilah to Daddy while we get this afterbirth delivered?" Charlotte places Delilah in a towel passes her to Adam as DR. Curry walks in "How are we do...oh baby is here! Wow how long did that take?" He looks over to Charlotte "15 minutes after I broke her water. She had the urge to push right away!" He looks at her stunned "Whoa! That's amazing have you requested her IV drip yet?"

Ellie looks confused "IV drip?" He looks over to her "We estimated you probably lost just over a pint of blood. This will just stop anymore bleeding" Charlotte smiles at a worried Ellie "Nothing to worry about its just because you've lost more than usually. It's routine"

"I'll go and get what we need. While you finish up in here" DR. Curry says as he leave the room.

Later, Charlotte has shift had ended and a new midwife had taken over "When can I go for a shower?" Ellie asks her new midwife Demi she wanders over checks the IV drip monitor "You have another 45 minutes on this then you should be OK" another midwife walks in and calls Demi out of the room a few minutes later she comes back in "We are going to have to move you up to postnatal ward now" Ellie looked shocked with Charlie's Labour she was allowed to have a shower before heading up.

Her legs were still covered in blood as well as her hospital gown. She got off the bed with her IV drip and into a wheelchair, Adam close behind with Delilah. She gets into her cubicle and take a seat in the chair after the midwife leave, she bursts into tears Adam puts Delilah down in her cot and rushes over to his wife "Hey, what's up beautiful?"

She looks up at him "Everything I'm covered in blood, I'm still in this awful thing. I want get into bed, but I can't sit on there like this! I want to cuddle my baby, but my arms are cover in blood. I feel dirty like I'm a cast member of the walking dead! And from what it sounds like we have a snorer the other side of this stupid curtain" He lifts up his wife's chin "Watch Delilah I'll be back in a minute" he gets up and leaves the cubicle through the curtain.

10 minutes later he comes back with a wheel chair and a midwife "You help her into the chair and grab her bag I'll grab baby" the midwife tells Adam. Wiping her tears she looks up at him "What's going on?" He smiles at her "You'll see now come on!" He lifts her out of her chair and into the wheel chair. They walk down the hall and through a door. Once inside she spots another bed and a bathroom "Adam?"

She looks up at him "This was the last one they had!" She looks at him still confused, he laughs, "£90 a night for a private room with a bath in the bathroom and this lovely lady has said if you've had over 80 percent of that drip she'll take it off you, so you can go for a soak" her eyes well up and she starts to cry again.

"It suppose to make you happy not sad!" He laughs, "Happy tears!" The midwife smiles at them both as she catches sight of Ellie, she shook her head "Oh dear, look at the state of you! They let you come up here like that! You poor thing, let me put her next to the bed and get you off this. Even if I have to put you back on after you can't sit like that!" She puts Delilah next the bed and takes Ellie off the drip before helping her to the bathroom.

20 minutes later all fresh from her shower, she emerges from the bathroom in her own comfortable clothes. Adam is changing Delilahs nappy. He looks up "Feeling better?" She smiles as she nods at him before she gets onto the bed next him. She places a kiss on his cheek, "Thank you!" He looks over to her "Why are you thanking me? You did all the hard work!" He places Delilah back in her cot "You were calm while I was losing it! I crashed your hand and you spent money on a hospital room just to make me happy!"

He laughs, "I did have my own motives! No one, not even me was going to sleep with a motorbike snoring next door!" he pulls her to his chest and pulls over the blanket over the both of them "We better sleep while she does. So, night beautiful!" She kisses his cheek "Night! I love you!" She feels him chuckle "I love you more"

Continue reading this story here - Chapter 2.

#a&e #adam x mc #alone #fictionalstory #angst #child birth #pnd

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protagonistheavy · 3 years

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Still slowly making my way through a Life is Strange True Colors playthrough, but I've been spoiled enough with glimpses of the ending to basically have it all done now.

Something I have to mark against the game is that it has nothing to say about its content, and that's a problem the first game in the series had too (and quite possibly the others, havent played them). There's all this story revolving around emotions, connections, trauma, anxieties... but it's all, 100%, to specifically serve a fairly contrived and straightforward plot. A plot that's really just about a very specific set of circumstances in which characters find themselves in lol. It's not... relatable, it can't really be digested as anything other than what it is -- a drama specifically about an orphan with mind-reading abilities trying to reconnect with her sibling and then solving his murder. Like, there's some stuff you can take away as a real message, stuff about finding resolve after tragedy... but that's just the mundane message of "you have to move on when you are sad : )".

Alex and her powers never cut to anything meaningful. It never gets explored the real consequences and burdens that would come with reading peoples minds/emotions. In fact it handles the whole depth of the power really weird, focusing almost entirely on the gimmick that Alex can eat half of people's emotions nom nom nom. It's kinda silly lmao and it makes the "risk" of using her power feel entirely random on whether or not it's "good" to use it in a given moment. Like... okay, eating Mac's fear is good because it calms him down and lets him explain stuff about Typhon, but... eating Charlotte's anger is bad, because... she would just still be mad I guess.

In general, it doesnt feel like any of these choices are really "choices" to begin with, but specifically options that divert you into either good or bad endings lol. I've yet to really see a HARD choice be given to the player that genuinely feels complicated to pick from, from an emotional pov. But from a gameplay pov, I see the challenge, because the game is just expecting you to intuit what it has decided in advance is the GOOD or BAD option. Which just feels like guessing, until you kinda feel out the vibe the game is going for and just figure out how to go along with it. The original game had a bit of this same problem too, but definitely played with the idea of conflicting moral decisions a lot more -- it very well could do so, because it had a whole time-rewind mechanic to it, so that was its whole gimmick I guess. But that doesnt really excuse True Colors, which just fails to provide real meaningful choices, just choices based on whether you move the plot in the right direction or not.

The pacing also stumbles pretty hard I think. It all feels like the game needs one more day or chapter of stuff to happen, because so much of this feels very rushed. You reconnect with your sibling, and less than twelve hours later, witness his death -- a fast start, but youre given a comfortable amount of time to connect with everyone in these first couple of chapters. But starting from the LARP episode, ugh, things just really, REALLY slow down to focus on Ethan in particular. The whole game is basically built around this entire episode, its easily the bulk of the game as far as actually involving the player. Following this is a painfully slow episode around the Spring Festival, and then the finale. I was shocked to realize that the LARP and Spring Festival are the same day, it just feels like an awful lot to pack all into a 24-hour period.

Going back to choice... it makes me think of the results screen at the end of the episodes, and how it tells you what other players did or didn't do. And like, aside from the most obvious decision-splitters like who to romance and stuff... all of the "possibilities" are basically just, "did you go and talk to this guy?" It's not really about making an impactful choice, like, deciding to help the guy playing the jelly bean game... that isn't really some huge, morally divisive choice. It's just, "do you participate in this element of the game, or do you ignore it." Like, the only reason someone WOULDNT help this guy is just because they didnt talk to him... And lots of "choices" feel that way, especially the side-quests where there's no real consequence to what you "decide" to do.

All in all the game is more concerned about surprising you with twists than it is about saying something meaningful or thematic. "Oooh, maybe Mac isn't such a bad guy!" "Oooh, maybe Diane isn't such a bad guy!" "Oooh, maybe ___ IS a bad guy!" And you're not involved with this mystery, you're not piecing anything together yourself, it's just a walking simulator that holds your hand through an extremely idyllic set piece, navigating you around character dramas that exist just to give you something to nod about. I mean god, the dramas themselves dont even intertwine very well... What does Eleanor's plot or Duckie's plot have to do with anything about the ACTUAL plot? Yeah they have stuff to say ABOUT the main plot, but otherwise theyre entirely disconnected. They're characters living in their own bubbles with commentary about the rest of the world but no real involvement, it's just disappointing. There's no complexity to the plot at all, it's just a long string of "who could it be?" until it just reveals it to you and then gives you the answers.

I also have to say that while it's obviously intentional to try and make Haven seem like a paradise... it's just waayyyy too idyllic at times, making for this uncannily unrealistic setting. A beautiful and well-developed town that's also exceptionally small, has a strong and loving LGBT+ friendly community full of beloved and quirky neighbors, all of which are happy to get together for elaborate Spring Festivals and town-wide LARP sessions. There's supposed to be this element of eeriness with Typhon "always watching" and stuff, but Typhon is NEVER demonstrated to be a worthwhile threat... It's always just other people quivering in their boots when they talk about Typhon. Maybe Typhon would be unsettling if we actually discovered the context of their schemes on our own as players, but instead we learn nothing, dawdling around for a week, until we just happen upon all the information in the final episode. It never feels like Typhon has any real control over Haven at all, especially when seemingly most people also don't like Typhon, so it's not like they're some welcomed figure lol. From the outset they look and sound like bad guys, and yep, they just sort of are.

I wonder what Wavelengths is like. I think that for as pretty and as charming as the game is, its weighed down with a really slow and lackluster plot that doesn't have anything important to say or even commit to. It's just a straightforward story with cute moments, just enough intrigue to give the plot some motion and justify Alex's power. It's really unfortunate how underutilized mind-reading is in this game... Not even just as a gameplay point, where its literal only use is to give extra dialogue. It just doesnt get expanded upon well enough from a story pov either. At one point, Alex is playing a concert for people from town... and I thought, "Oh, this is the part where Alex accidentally reads the mind of the crowd, and she can hear how they're all thinking about her dead brother and it will freak her out." Nope. I was just giving too much credit to what would be an interesting idea to explore when your protagonist is an empath.

The game has lots of cool ideas but doesnt nail any of them especially well. It feels like it was written in one go, with little consideration done to look back on the story and reflect on what to do with it. They came up with an intriguing mystery, but never developed the means to uncover it in an interesting way, instead opting to just guide the player through all the story beats... very slowly... But it IS pretty and gives good feelings, so at least on that end, it's a success.

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kinghoranshit · 4 years

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The Watchers (1D) - 00 Hours

Part 1

I watched the names light up on our hologram. You never wanted to see your name listed. It meant someone put down a sum of money to have you killed during the 24 hour purge. If your name's not on the list, you're free to join in on the hunt or stay in your house; no one could kill you, but the sounds of screams were deafening. The amount of people who turned their backs on their loved ones, both figuratively and literally by killing them, was disgusting. There were even those "friends" who thought it'd be funny to list you.

Now, you're thinking that a purge is such a dumb idea. Want to know what's more stupid?

A bounty purge.

It's the government's way to keep the crime and gambling rates down, and those who may not be fortunate in their social class have a way to level up and gain funds. It became a sport for some. This was the 100th annual year and the names being listed were a lot of celebrities; normally the ratio of high and low status didn't fare this much.

My family and I were in resistance; my mom died trying to protect someone, now it was just my dad and I. We helped those whose names were on the list, not for free of course. We're like bounty hunters, but the opposite. A guard or babysitter sounds so lame though, so don't call me those.

I felt my eyes go wide when I saw all five names that formed One Direction. Who...would do this? They weren't even technically a group anymore; they only just started a virtual reunion tour. They all went solo long ago, so it didn't make sense as to why they would be grouped together. The amount of money put on their heads was ridiculous. Sadly, I didn't see them making it through the 24 hours, unless they have some great body protection, or are suddenly kickass in combat.

The blue hue to the hologram disappeared and it was silent darkness for a while. There were so many bounties this year. It was obvious that they didn't have a limit for the 100th year. There wouldn't be enough of us. Our organization, The Watchers, dropped by a third because it was such a significant milestone year for the bounty purge. I guess people became afraid again.

"Katie," my dad stated.

I sat up and looked at him. "Yeah, what's up?"

"You're being assigned to Niall Horan, Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson, Zayn Malik and Liam Payne."

I blinked my eyes a couple times then cupped my ear for dramatic effect. "I'm what? Say that again."

"Modest!, their management, has contacted The Watchers and asked for you specifically. I guess they must've seen how well you kept Selena Gomez safe last year."

Yes, this work has lent to meeting celebrities, but the conversation doesn't tend to get that far. Last year was Selena Gomez, and the previous was Brie Larson. Both were troopers, especially Brie, she was fun to hang out with when we weren't fighting others. She still messages me every now and then when she's not working.

I cleared my throat. "That's...dad, they've got the largest sum I've ever seen for a bounty. You know how many people will be going after them?"

He smirked. "Is...Katie Lee..scared of hunters?"

I scoffed. "No, I'm not. I just know when my odds of keeping said assignment safe are high or not."

"Sorry, kiddo, there's no getting out of this one. They've prepared to set you up on a hidden bunker and arm you with anything you need if someone happens to find it."

A hidden bunker? Any weapons I want? That doesn't sound like a bad negotiation. I've definitely been dealt with less advantages.

The hologram started up again and it was one of the leaders, Rump. A cynical grin played on his lips. This couldn't be good. It was never good when his face appeared.

"Hello everyone, now that the names have been presented, we would like to bring in a new factor to the 100th year of the bounty purge. Instead of 24 hours, it will be 72 hours. That is three whole days to find your prey and get your prize. Let the purge commence in 48 hours."

For once, I felt sick to my stomach. Is this what fear felt like? Three days to keep these five boys alive? Let's hope no one trying to kill them were great trackers or hackers; if the base was hidden well enough, I could set traps outside and inside. That was going to be a must with the new circumstances.

My teeth clenched and I let out a deep breath into my fists. I sat there thinking for a little bit longer. If I was going to even manage to keep a few of them alive, I needed to leave tonight.

I stood and went upstairs to pack the essentials; I don't care if I have the weapon vault of my fucking dreams, I will never leave my crossbow at home. Every save I've had over the last eight years has been with this crossbow. When I came back into the living with my duffel bag slung on my shoulder and crossbow in hand, my dad actually had a look of worry etched into his face.

"Be careful. I know The Watcher's word is 'assignment comes first, you come second', but if it becomes too much, you get yourself out of there, okay?"

"Dad..." I trailed, at a loss for words. I've never heard my dad speak against The Watcher's word.

"You hear me?" he pushed.

I cleared my throat with a nod. "Yeah, dad. I do."

He pulled me into a tight hug. "Good. Your transport should be here any moment."

I pulled back with a small smile. I was well aware this could be the last time I saw him, but I couldn't bring myself to say the three words. It was a mutual thing we both had. We knew we both loved each other.

I peeked out the front window to see the black sudan parked in our driveway. I gave my dad a peck on the cheek before I slipped out the front door and jogged to the sudan. I opened the driver side passenger door and threw my bag and crossbow in first.

"Please state your ID number," the driver ordered.

"Watcher 402, Katie Lee, reporting for duty."

Carl smirked. "Perfect."

"That never gets old for you, does it Carl?"

He shook his head. "Never."

I laughed and buckled myself up. I pulled out my tablet to find the recent file sent to me. It was everything I needed to know about my transport, the bunker we'd be hiding away in, and the contact info for the supplier.

"So...who are you babysitting this year?"

The driver's never get told who a Watcher's assignment is for reasons. But I've known Carl for years; he was always the one who took me to the helicopter.

I still answered, out of precaution, "An important band. That's all I'm saying."

"Really? A certain boy band?" he mocked.

"You know I won't say the name, but yes that one boy band."

"That'll be fun, I'm sure."

I rolled my eyes in response.

I busied myself with contacting the supplier to get my vault sorted. This was definitely the most reinforcements I'ved used. I felt probably an unsettling amount of excitement to get my hands on everything. I knew that in the line of action I would be less thrilled.

***

The helicopter landed on the last minute created pad. It was a circle created by rocks; a majority of them were like this. I knew that we were in upper Minnesota, near the lakes. I snatched my duffel and crossbow as I got out of the helicopter and followed the other Watcher that had been waiting for me. Now, I was guided to a different car that drove off deeper into the forest.

It looked secluded enough by the trees; the bear traps were going to hide perfectly in the bushes. And if that didn't stop them? I knew that the wiring, jumper cables, and car batteries were going to work wonders for every door and window, along with strips of nails at the edge of the entrance if they happened to surpass everything else. And if they also bypass that? Well, they'll have to go through me.

I'm going to Home Alone this motherfucker up.

I was guided to the front of the house and my jaw dropped at the beauty of the steel siding and roof. Okay, the blueprint did not mention the steel exterior. And from where I stood I could see the small security cameras. There's no way they just built this in a matter of a day. This has had to be used in prior purges.

I walked up the stairs and through the front door. It was...way too fancy. Glass tables and lighting fixtures everywhere, grey couches, a fucking duve in the bathroom, and multiple bedrooms.

What was I so worried about?

I dropped my bag off in the room that had my name on the door and then saw that the rest of the members also had their own rooms. There was one name that I didn't recognize so I went to the door and knocked. It just slowly opened by itself and I peered in.

There stood, a bubbly redhead. She jumped from being startled. "Oh! Hi, I'm Maddy, the onsite medic. You must be Katie, our Watcher."

I furrowed a brow. "Uh...Yeah, I am. This place is a fucking fortress. Why am I here?"

She laughed under her breath and continued to unpack her items. "Every fortress has a fault, and they always like a backup plan."

They must be Modest!. It was clear that this wasn't Maddy's first purge hired under them. Who else has been under their company that they had hidden here? I've never been on an assignment where they had an onsite medic ready.

"Fair...do you know where the band is at? I'm going to need their help."

"In the kitchen, I believe. I will be down to help as well. My station has already been cleaned and prepared."

That was eerily comforting to hear.

"Okay," I replied and left her to her own devices.

I didn't bother unpacking yet. I probably wouldn't to be honest. Getting comfortable never sits right with me. The voices grew louder and louder as I grew closer to them. It was clear they were having a good laugh despite the circumstances as to why we were all here.

I cleared my throat and they all stopped to look at me. I gave them a small wave. "Hi Niall, Louis, Harry, Zayn, and Liam. I'm Katie, your Watcher for the duration of this purge."

"A girl? They hired a girl, who looks to be younger than me, to keep us safe?" Liam remarked.

"Mate," Niall and Louis breathed and shook their heads.

I chuckled and stalked up to the brunette who currently had his hair looking like 2014 Harry.

"I can't make you like me. In fact, that's not part of my job description. But you should reconsider... My crossbow can manage a mile range and shoot three arrows at once. I can also build a gun in under a minute, have practiced in the art of knife throwing...and I have been known to get my hands dirty in a physical fight. What can you do to keep yourself safe, Liam boy?"

The other four held in their own snickers. Liam didn't flinch in the slightest. If anything, his "tough" exterior only hardened, which just made him look even weaker in my eyes.

"I don't buy it. Modest has to be messing with us."

I smirked. "I know your ass will be calling my name, begging me to protect you, as someone tries to machete your body to pieces. You better start playing nice, mate." I stepped back and gestured to the rest. "Come on, troops. We need to set up the traps."

Luckily, Zayn, Louis, and Maddy quickly picked up on how to set up the bear traps so I put them on that duty while the rest of us stripped the entrances with nails. Of course, I knew the risk of having them set the traps rather than myself, but there was a lot to do before tomorrow morning. An hour before the purge starts, I'll set up the electrical traps. Since there were steel doors that locked down, I planned to set the electric currencies in other spots.

I familiarized myself with the layout of the rich bunker as much as I could and the security camera room. Yes, there was an entire room dedicated to the security cameras. My vault was hidden in four different locations so I'd have something at any given moment.

That evening, we were all chit chatting at the dinner table, eating the grilled chicken and potatoes Niall cooked. This was probably one of the best meals I've had the night before a purge; it was weird to feel so at ease. I knew not to get too comfy.

"So Katie, how old are you?" Louis prompted as he took a swig of his beer.

"Yeah, you seem too familiar with all of this. How long have you been a Watcher?" Niall concurred.

I laughed under my breath and dropped the fork onto my plate. "Uh, well...I'm twenty-four, and this has been my life for as long as I can remember. Both of my parents were Watchers themselves. I started assignments when I was fifteen."

"Woah," Zayn remarked. "How many have you killed?"

"That..." I coughed into my hand and ran a hand through my hair. "Hard to say...I don't like to keep track."

Louis leaned back in his chair and looked down at his lap. "How many do you think you'll have to kill for us?"

I raised my brows in surprise. "With that sort of bounty over your heads, your guess is about as good as mine."

"Fuck," Niall scoffed and jugged the rest of his beer.

"To be honest, I've never felt this confident going into a purge. And we've got Maddy for any injuries, it doesn't seem like her first rodeo either."

She smiled sweetly and shook her head. "It's not, but...I've never actually had to jump in. This bunker has always held up."

"Hear that?" I asked. "It'll be..." I trailed off. I couldn't make any promises, even if our odds did seem to be in our favor. "It'll be just another purge."

That wasn't what I mean to say either. Their facial expressions right now broke my heart.

I clapped my hands as I stood up. "Okay, I say we all get to bed now. It will be an early start."

They all nodded and put their dishes away before going to their assigned rooms. Liam sat on the couch by himself. He didn't join us for dinner, nor did he eat. If he wanted to be a loner during this, then I'll treat him as such.

I padded over and sat down next to him.

"You know I'm only here to help. If you hate me, that's fine, but you need to be a team player for the rest."

Once again, he stayed silent. I truly didn't know what his deal was. I wasn't the best at reading that side of a person's mind. I pursed my lips before I got up and went to my own room.

I slipped into my own pjs before I did a few meditations. I set my alarm for six in the morning, the purge started at eight. This is all I have ever known. Preparing every single year to risk my life for someone else's, to defy against this ridiculous event, and if I died this year, it wouldn't be in vain.

Next part: 24 Hours

[Masterlist]

#one direction #1D #Purge #1D purge #fanfiction #one direction fanfiction #1D fic #one direction fic #1D fanfiction #Niall horan #louis tomlinson #harry styles #zayn malik #liam payne #action #comedy #stupid

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