₊°✧︡˗ˏˋ❤ˎˊ˗ 𝖩𝖺𝗇𝗎𝖺𝗋𝗒 ₊°✧︡˗ˏˋ❤ˎˊ˗

I hope everyone has had an amazing start to the new year, I know it can be tough and January lowkey sucks but it will get better! 2022 for me was a long year of recovery and somehow I'm kinda clean (although I still don't know how to feel about it, especially when people comment on how much 'better' I'm doing but I'm taking it a day at a time.) Anyways, I kinda feel like 2023 might be a good-ish year so I hope it is for you too <3

ps. I know this list is early but I'm like a toddler who gets to excited to wait for anything and ruins it, so here is the early but one of my favourite rec lists to make. (idk why but it was particularly fun this month lol)

this year I'm also gonna try putting out some decent content starting with my fics (available here). I'm currently only writing for Steve and Eddie from Stranger things but in the future I may try writing for other fandoms (the Xavier Thorpe fic was a self indulgent piece idk if I'll carry on writing for him though), I'd really appreciate anyone to give feedback and reblog cause it keeps me motivated (pls I'm actually begging for some attention lmao my last two fics have got like zero attention and I genuinely don't know if I'm a shit writer or something else lmao, pls even if you hate it lmk! I'll take anything atp).

anyways... ignore my rambles as always, the last piece of news im sharing is my new series I'm starting soon! where I'll be diving into the history of metal and what it means to the community etc so if thats something you'd be interested in you are more than welcome to join the army of maggots I've got going on (I say an army but I'm pretty sure it's just me lol).

[please respect writers terms, I am not responsible for what kind of content you consume but please be aware that minors will be blocked if they chose to interact with 18+ content.]

more fic recommendations available here

⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚｡˚ ⋆ -- 𝖲𝗍𝖾𝗏𝖾 𝖧𝖺𝗋𝗋𝗂𝗇𝗀𝗍𝗈𝗇 -- ⋆ ˚｡⋆˚୨୧⋆｡˚ ⋆

The mixtape detectives by @babyrunsforfanfic

Want me like I want you by @beezywriting

Under the covers by @stevesbabysittingservice

Hey Steven by @munsonsreputation

If you loved me (why’d you leave me?) by @1986harrington

When we are together by @foreverromanticising

I’m never going to dance again, the way I danced with you by @all-alone-he-turns-to-stone

Love as sweet as honey (and lover I’m hungry) by @stevebabey

Time after time by @musingginger

Sharing secrets by @livingintheupsidedown

A virtual romance (new series!) by @justmeinadaze

Tis the damn season (series!) by @katyswrites

Bad at love by @loveshotzz

⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚｡˚ ⋆ -- 𝖤𝖽𝖽𝗂𝖾 𝖬𝗎𝗇𝗌𝗈𝗇 -- ⋆ ˚｡⋆˚୨୧⋆｡˚ ⋆

Need you tonight by @sebuckyverse

Flipped by @ashwhowrites

Bottom of the bottle by @fanficsgal0re

New sensation by @darkdarkroom

Fooled round & fell in love (series!) by @bimbobaggins69

Lavander haze by @munsonsreputation

I think I’ve loved you forever by @cinemaquinn

Something new by @newlips

In the middle of nowhere (ongoing series!) by @sweetpeapod

Mine and yours by @muertawrites

Morning coffee by @jamdoughnutmagician

⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚｡˚ ⋆ -- 𝖡𝗎𝖼𝗄𝗒 𝖡𝖺𝗋𝗇𝖾𝗌 -- ⋆ ˚｡⋆˚୨୧⋆｡˚ ⋆

Side effect by @delaber

cherry blossom by @buckycuddlebuddy

Everyone’s watching him (but he’s looking at her) @writing-for-marvel

Shouldn’t have gone by @imyourbratzdoll

⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚｡˚ ⋆ -- 𝖫𝗈𝗄𝗂 𝖫𝖺𝗎𝖿𝖾𝗒𝗌𝗈𝗇 -- ⋆ ˚｡⋆˚୨୧⋆｡˚ ⋆

Chocolate & promises by @michelleleewise

lost prince (ongoing series!) by @xxntiimulti

For better or for worse (ongoing series!) by @wheredafandomat

⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚｡˚ ⋆ -- 𝖷𝖺𝗏𝗂𝖾𝗋 𝖳𝗁𝗈𝗋𝗉𝖾 -- ⋆ ˚｡⋆˚୨୧⋆｡˚ ⋆

Flower power by @pythonees

Siren song by @wintervalewritersecond

Rumors by @yourmidnightlover

Kiss me and shut up by @elysianrogers

Invisible string by @mntalbrakdown

Foxglove to adorne thy dells (ongoing series!) by @nevermoremagic

Something that we’re not by @profound-imagination

Artists collide by @shesluxurious

⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚｡˚ ⋆ -- 𝖱𝖺𝖿𝖾 𝖢𝖺𝗆𝖾𝗋𝗈𝗇 -- ⋆ ˚｡⋆˚୨୧⋆｡˚ ⋆

So gorgeous it actually hurts by @folkloreslovechild

UPDATE 8

Wow! So it’s been almost 2 years (like literally almost to the day) since I posted "Update 1″, and boy oh boy did a lot of shit happen.

- I went back to work - I never got that internship that woulda changed my life (oh well) - I’ve gotten to travel way more than I woulda thought possible 2 years ago (not the traveling itself, I love to travel and have access/ability to but moreso in terms of the pandemic/state of the world) - I still don’t have a great grasp on my depression. I know I have it. I know. And its definitely a rollercoaster but shit triggers me and idk what to do ya know? I end up feeling like a zombie. - I almost got my dream job. But didn’t. When I say dream job, I mean I have literally been dreaming about it since I was 12 or 13 years old. I reapplied when a reopening was posted but I think I’m just not meant to be. Like that scene in La La Land (god I love La La Land, like its my favorite movie of all time kinda love) when Mia is explaining that maybe her dreams will never pan out bc maybe shes not good enough? Or maybe she’s just one of those (many) people who has always wanted something but its just a pipe dream that needs to be moved on from. Its not like thats what I want, but its whats realistic and you cant be disappointed if your expectation is disappointment, ya know? - My sister moved out and I’m really happy for her but things seem to be happening for her and other people and it feels like everyone around me and I’m just stuck??? I’m not sure theres a better way for me to explain it other than that. Its no ones fault, but everyday of my adult like theres this slight, nagging feeling that my life is simply one long series of unfortunate events. And yes, good things are woven in and its not like everyday is some big, unbearable catastrophe but some days definitely are. I really don’t know how else to explain it. I think its beyond depression. I’d never hurt myself or someone else but I had this shit realization the other day that I don’t remember the last time I was like really, truly, unbelievably happy (not just with one thing, or day, or event) but like GENUINELY happy in life. And I don’t know that I ever will be again. Idk I sound so shitty rn. - I hate my job but love the people. I also have no other options in life it feels like. WHAT DO I DO?!

Anyways the absolute lunacy of the bullets above, I’m trying to move on in/through life as well as possible. And I wanna become better. In all facets. I gained a lot weight back. Which makes me angry and disappointed. My highest ever was 197 and the other day I was 195 again. Again. Can you believe that shit? My family while I love them are bad influences and have been for a really, really long time. I feel like I just give in bc 1) their expectation is that I’m fat and thats never gonna change so who are you kidding and 2) were all doing it (eating and being fat) so who cares? and 3) its like they think im judging them or being unfair to them when I wanna better myself. Idk. Its not intentionally malicious but the consequences feel dire.

SO ANYWAYS!!!!!!!! God I need to learn to shut up. I’ve lost 3lbs in the last week and back to 192. Slowly making progress but FOR REAL THIS TIME. And I know I said that last time, but circumstances are different and theres no more excuses.

On that note I’m gonna go to Safeway rn and go buy some fruit bc I’m hungry and if I wanna eat thats what I’m gonna let myself eat. I know I shouldnt starve but also eating like a piggly wiggly has so far gotten me no where.

I’m gonna end this here. This is therapeutic for reezie and I feel better just reflecting on this insane rambly episode I’ve just had. Yall pray for me for reezie and I shall be doing the same. LETS STOP WEIGHTING FOR CHANGE YALL!

P.S. My cat keeps walking across my chest and around the room yapping to be let out but I don’t get why he doesn’t get that I love him too much and I wanna be around him 24/7 bc he makes me feel better. But also he’s a cat and a dummy at that so I guess I should be happy he spends any time indulging me at all.

P.P.S. I, like the rest of the world, am in the middle of a Stranger Things Binge and volume 2 of ST4 was released today. V1 was released at the end of May but I waited til now to watch bc I wanted to rewatch and I wanted to be able watch all of ST4 at once and not have to wait which was deff the right call. I started V1 yesterday and finished it this morning and am now on ep 8 of 9 and idk WHAT I woulda done if I woulda had to wait a month to continue, like fuckkkkk that lmao. But anywho I’m gonna continue but I want some fruit to have so I’m gonna finish the other half of ep 8 and then ep 9 when I get back from the store (also holy shit ep 9 is apparently 150 mins???? thats 2 and 1/2 hours thats a fucking movie bro!!!!) but yeah. I’m lowkey stressed to finish it though bc 1) i lowkey dont like this whole steve/nancy plot. I know a lot of ppl do but I really like her w jonathan so yeah. and 2) I’m scared Eddie will die. He’s a really great character and I think hes really cute and its not fair that the worst has been assumed of him. I relate to that. I know some major character is expected to die in these final two eps and I really hope its not him, but also I really hope they were just lying to us bc I literally dont want anyone to die. I mean mike is prob my least fav but still i love mike and dont want him to die. also theres no way in hell theyd ever kill off finn wolfhard so thats an unrealistic expectation anyway. So heres to eddie, steve, and all those mfers bc I really do love this show and these crazy ass characters. But most of all, to my fav character, erica. BC YA CAN’T SPELL AMERICA WITHOUT ERICA BITCHHHH.

.

Captains and Strong Independent S/o’s

☁︎︎ request:  Oikawa, Kuroo and either Bokuto or Ushijima (I cant choose!) reacting to a (fem or g/n) reader who does some type of martial art and they’re kinda tough/strong and (maybe they’re the team manager and they don’t take no shit) and the captains kinda crush on them for it? (I like to imagine Oikawa having a tough gf who stops Iwa from being mean to him and jokingly threatens Iwa that if he wants to hurt Tohru he has to go through her

☁︎︎ pairing: oikawa x reader, kuroo x reader, ushijima x reader

☁︎︎ warning/s: swearing, felt a bit of angst while writing for ushijima’s idk why tho it might just be my imagination :> 

☁︎︎ a/n: also dont know if it’s obvious but i kinda got carried away with ushijima’s 

Oikawa Tohru

• is a smug little shit every time you’re with him or in the same room at least 

• like,, he could piss Iwa-chan off to death and he won’t get hurt for it? now this is what he calls power

• sincerely loves and adores you, but at first, he kinda got sad that you’re so self-sufficient, you practically don’t need him 

• but he’s now long accepted that you’re just so you… and in your relationship, it’s you who does the protecting and looking out by a whole lot (ofc it doesn’t mean he loves you less) 

• that’s why he gets so so soft when he gets his turn in being the person who’s leaned on

• as their manager, he loves how you get things done so effectively, even Kyotani bows down to you, as he should—he always says in his head, smiling as he looks at the feral boy getting flustered around you  

• he listens to you all the time and we all know Tohru backing down is so rare 

“Oy, you’re overdoing it, let’s go.” 

“Head home without me, Iwa-chan,” he mutters mindlessly as he screws up another serve, a scowl on his face as he bends down to get another ball; but he freezes at an instant upon Iwaizumi’s words—no, Iwaizumi’s threat.

“Suit yourself, I’ll call y/n.” 

Oikawa has never changed stance so quickly in his life, cleaning up the gym as he sends smiles to his best friend’s way every five seconds, hoping he won’t tell on him on his cute but scary girl who could easily kick him unconscious. 

• he uses your name to threaten anyone who wants to cross him and they will back down immediately

• also likes to show off because he knows you treasure him so much; he likes to be babied by you especially in front of others 

“y/n-chan c’mere,” he softly says, whining a bit. The rest of his team look at the both of you in astonishment as you take the captain in your arms, Tohru’s cheek on your shoulder, looking back at the bewildered look on his teammate’s faces while you sit side by side on the bench. 

They could never get used to someone as tough as you having such the softest spot for Shittykawa… like how could you even stand him? 

“Really tired,” he mumbles, a small smile on his lips when you run your fingers through his hair. “I know, you were great as always, let’s head home so you could rest.” 

“Y/n-chan, today, Iwa-chan hit my head when you were out to get water. It really hurt,” he says, still in your embrace as he smirks at his teammates. 

Their mouths fall open, Iwaizumi’s eye twitching in irritation for his shitty best friend. 

“And Maki-chan…” Hanamaki grits his teeth, looking at him pleadingly in panic as his mind runs through everything he did today, wondering what he could’ve done to your beloved. “He ate my milk bread; I was really hungry.” 

Yup, Maki and Iwaizumi knew there was hell to pay, gulping in unison when you pull away from your boyfriend and narrow your eyes at them. 

“Iwa-chan. I thought we agreed you weren’t hitting Tohru again.” 

A chill runs down his spine, Tohru simply looks at you with pride, pulling you into his lap as he wraps his arms around your waist before you get the chance to throw hands at Iwaizumi.

Kuroo Tetsuro

• loves loves LOVES your remarks, your attitude, the way you take no crap from anyone, like “ah, he’s scared shitless, that’s my girl” 

• dw, you’re not a thug or anything, but men who force their feelings on you will see heaven’s gates early 

• and kuroo’s so pleased about it. sure, he’d love to get the chance to act all cool and brooding and possessive in front of other suitors but what’s more fun is watching their dejected faces as you say—

• “how many times do I have to turn you down? I have my tetsuro, now back the fuck off or I’ll break your nose.” 

• you had no idea he was just outside your classroom waiting for you, arms crossed and a cocky grin stretching his lips when you lock eyes with him

• “chibi-chan!” he calls off cheerily, and you bet he’ll tease you about it til death do you part 

• “don’t just stand there, give your tetsuro a hug!” 

• laughs about how your friendly banters with yamamoto always end up with you winning the argument 

• you rub off as mean bc you won’t take any disrespect, even a little—and that’s great

• those are one of the things he loves about you 

• but he’s always worried you might get hurt or hated for it, though he knows you are very much capable of beating anyone up even kuroo himself

• so he’s always holding you back, and I can’t stress this enough, but this man knows you could fend for yourself and he is so proud you’re his partner 

• he just wants to make certain that no one’ll hurt you, okay kitten? 

• your conversations often go like this: 

“I’ll beat up whoever tries to lay a hand on me.” 

“don’t say such reckless things, you’re not superman.”

“uhuh, geez, I’ll be fine, I don’t need you to walk me home.” 

“well news flash, your tetsuro, needs his y/n to walk him ho—ow,” he mutters when you slap his chest. 

“go home with kenma.”

“I don’t want kenma,” he scowls, already irked that this is turning into an argument.

“too bad,” you deadpan.  

“ugh,” he groans, “imagine a girlfriend who actually listens to you, just imagine.” 

• he is the one and only person you’ll gladly accept lectures from, bc his lectures are always reasonable and for your own good

after checking and verifying that you were completely okay, you knew he was about to go down to business. 

“you got into a fight? What are you? a thug?” he crosses his arms. You were both inside the gym along with the rest of his teammates who looked like they were far too preoccupied to listen. They were all clearly listening in though, except Kenma of course.  

watching your figures from a few feet away, it was obvious that he was scolding you, and Lev already had a ridiculous visualization of you hitting Kuroo. Everyone was worried you’ll fight him, or maybe even hit him, well, everyone except Kenma, of course. 

The setter knew that you would never ever lay a hand on kuroo as if the 6’1 captain was fragile. He also knew that you loved and respected kuroo too much to actually get agitated just because he was scolding you, you aren’t an unreasonable person. Lastly, he knew that kuroo would be going soft on you in five minutes tops, his best friend is hopeless like that. 

Kenma was right, he always is. Your back is glued to the wall behind you, Kuroo’s hand beside your head, his face extremely close to yours that you’re left flustered which is rare. 

After you were rambling on about how you had to put that girl in her place, going off about how it made you so mad and he should cut you some slack, he knew just how to shut you up. And it worked. You’re speechless. 

“what was that again, hm? go on, you surely had a lot to say,” he mutters, acting all tough as if he wasn’t dying to just kiss you now. when you don’t respond and stare at him and his lips instead, he already gives in. yes, just like that. “you were wrong to do that, okay?” he breathes, the worry from earlier on making its way out through his voice. 

“I know, I’m sorry.” 

Locking lips with you, you pull him closer to yourself, and kuroo had purposely decided to kabedon you on this wall since his broad back would be shielding the two of you from his teammates’ line of sight. 

After pulling away, he pats your head, licking his lips. “I forgive you, I’m not mad anymore.” You look away in embarrassment, realizing how petty you must’ve seemed to him. He sighs before hugging you, chin atop your head. 

“Make this the last time, okay? I swear you’re shortening my lifespan having me worried all the time.” 

You hug him tighter as a response, kuroo letting out a breath of contentment. Regardless of how tough you are outside; you are and always will be his soft little kitten and it was his greatest honor that you allow him to take care of you like this. 

Ushijima Wakatoshi

• is probably a little too used to the idea of his most treasured girlfriend being extremely capable and self-sufficient 

• his teammates would always look at him like ‘why are you not stepping in,’ every time you’re in a tough spot i.e. having an argument with someone or having a too-touchy suitor 

• then they’d be like “oh, that’s why,” after you flung the despicable creature out to space 

• he thinks so highly of you, not only are you physically strong, you’re even tougher on the inside too

• this is kinda a given but I’ll say it anyway—he can be unintentionally insensitive (well your relationship is kinda new)

• example no 1: 

you were arguing with goshiki and while he would normally like to ignore you and let you have your way; he was getting annoyed bc the argument was far too petty. 

“I’m gonna surpass him!” 

“and I’m telling you that you ca-

your mouth is clamped with a big hand, and it took you only a second to realize it was Wakatoshi because only he would have the nerve to lay a hand on you like this. he still doesn’t say anything, dragging you with him in an empty hallway for privacy.

finally after you stopped walking, he turns to you and looks at you expectantly. “what was that for? Did you even wash your hand,” you mutter, slightly annoyed. 

“I haven’t touched the ball yet, don’t worry,” he lowly says, making you sulk because he totally missed your point. “still, you didn’t have to make me shut up by clamping your hand against my mouth.” He’s too… not gentle with you sometimes. 

“you were going to say something you shouldn’t to goshiki.”

“he said something he shouldn’t have.” 

he only narrows his eyes at you and you do the same, anyone from your class would’ve been scared at the sight. You were both known as the cutest yet intimidatingly scary couple. 

• you were in the early stages of dating and though you understood each other well, it wasn’t really enough yet

• it’s all good though, because once you tell him that he was too uncaring of you and your feelings he does something that no other man would do: 

• apologize, admit his mistake, reflect on it a lot and,,, actually change!! 

• he’s much softer to you after that, and he finally realizes that you were still his precious girl and you were sensitive when it came to him 

• cursed himself for being too reliant on how you never seemed sensitive or needy

• doesn’t dwell too much on regret, just treats you 100x times better 

• is fascinated with your passion for martial arts but is against you overdoing training

• one time, he was torn between dragging you out of practice or just turning a blind eye to your visible exhaustion since you’re always so tough anyway, you’ll manage 

• but then he remembers his promise to himself to never treat you like you aren’t the most special person to him so he excuses himself from practice and heads to your training room 

you sat alone, your back to the wall. everyone else has gone home but you stayed because your muscles were too sore and you felt like you couldn’t even walk for another day. maybe it had something to do with how you’ve been training too much. 

you’re startled upon seeing shoes on the floor you blankly stared at, looking up to meet eyes with Ushijima. “Wakatoshi,” you say in surprise. 

he is expressionless as he bends down across you between your legs, and you had to admit this was something you weren’t used to from him. “are you okay?” he asks, his voice soft as velvet. you’re taken aback by his question, looking away in embarrassment. 

Wakatoshi rarely asks you that, and most of the time it was only when you said the word ‘ow’ when you accidentally hit something. you clear your throat, bringing your hands together to play with your fingers, “I’m okay.” 

it was silent for a few seconds before you hear him sigh, not only that, warm, gentle hands had found its way to yours and you look at him, bewildered. “is this okay?” he asks, looking down at both your hands and you nod. “your hands are much smaller, compared to mine at least.” he says, but you’re too flustered to even understand that. 

“are other things okay too?” he asks, and like his former statement, you didn’t understand. your silence doesn’t stop him though, he decided to push his luck. tugged gently by your wrist, your back’s no longer pressed to the wall as ushijima wakatoshi pulls you in his arms for the first time in your very few months of dating. 

“wakatoshi,” you mumble, your heart racing so much you’re sure he feels it against his chest. he’s so warm, welcoming, and in his loving hold felt like the rightest place to be. “you’re not feeling okay.”

you don’t respond, opting to bury your face at the crook of his neck instead. “I’m here, I know you’re tired.” 

you both stay in that position for a long time, it was addicting to be cradled in his arms and he felt the same. “y/n,” he whispers, and you hum in response. 

“you’re strong. very strong. you don’t need a man at all.”

your heart skips a beat, “toshi are you breaking up with me?” 

you hear a soft chuckle ring in your ears, “let me finish. as I said, you’re very strong. you look like you’re always so tough. but you’re not, and so…” he trails off, so you pull away to look at him, hesitance evident in his eyes, his palm still pressed at the small of your back. 

“you’re not always strong. in fact if I dare say, you are fragile, and I care about you. so please, allow me to be there for you all the time, I’ll be here, just like now.” 

General Taglist [Open]: @noyasbitchh @dinablossom @haru-the-secret @strayczennies @lalisbitch @tinymidgetsstuff @animebs @astrealia @kittykitkatstrawberry @hajimesbbygrl @kellesvt @24hr7dysdizzy @arnxldss @elianetsantana @vicassa @floraraine @beanst0ck @leinnah @kageyamasgirl @deafeningart @minibobabottle   @franko-pop @moonlightaangel @throughtheinterstices @micasaessakusa @dixonsbugaboo @thevillagehiddenintheinternet @ultzuko @yappychan @dipsydoo542 @devilgirlcrybabiey @dai-tsukki-desu​

can you give me some webtoon recommendations? name some of your favorites! :)

i am here to answer folks 😎

all of these webtoons can be found on webtoons.com! I'm not sure about the whole daily pass thing they've got going on (which sucks tbh) but like,,, you could probably find it online illegally. NOT THAT I CONDONE ILLEGAL ACTIVITY HAHAHAHA ᵖˢˢᵗ ⁱᶠ ʸᵒᵘ ˡᵒᵒᵏ ⁱᵗ'ˢ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ

I'll split these up between completed and in progress :) most are still in progress though

COMPLETED

1) Gourmet Hound (166 chapters)

this is like, my all time favorite webtoon. it follows Lucy and her quest to find all the chefs that left her favorite restaurant, Dimanche! it’s a really heartfelt story and the food illustrations make you really hungry, so make sure you have a snack before you sit down to read it. each character’s name is also food-related, so that’s pretty cool too! and the diversity in this webtoon is AMAZING. it’s the only webtoon i’ve ever read that has a hijabi character in the main cast. the development is done really well and it explores themes of loving and letting go. all in all, it has a bit of everything. i personally love food-related things, and this centers around it, so i was set LOL

(also a bonus is that this webtoon has NOT succumbed to daily pass hell, so you can binge read the whole thing. legally.)

2) Hooky (200 chapters)

if you like stories of witches, this is the one! the summary and beginning chapters are deceptively lighthearted. DO NOT BE FOOLED! the story really develops further on and explores numerous conflicts, a big one being (if i remember correctly) witch vs. nonwitch. if you like to see struggles between two sides, not a good-and-evil but just people-who-want-the-best-for-themselves-and-their-loved-ones type of thing, this is good for that. also, sibling love! the two main characters are Dani and Dorian, and while there is someee romance, i like how this story centers around the siblings first and foremost. ALSO THE ART??? I LOVE HOW THE AUTHOR DRAWS SETTINGS SO MUCH and am unabashedly jealous because i am completely incapable of doing so   just like,,,, even if the story doesn’t pull you in, you can at least stare at each panel for long stretches of time.

(unfortunately succumbed to daily pass, but you can read it on mangaowl or manganelo!)

3) Spirit Fingers (167 chapters)

aww, this one is cute. Amy is 18 and lacking in self confidence (her family definitely doesn’t help). but HEY she joins a wacky art club!! without her parents knowing!! HECK YEAH!! unfortunately it takes more than joining an art club for her to learn to love herself (it is a long journey after all!). i love this webtoon because it explores the problems of multiple people, not just amy: her high achieving brothers, her mother who had to give up her dream, the different members in the art club, Amy’s girl friends. the art is unique and has a cool watercolor-y texture! and the main couple is just adorable, too. if you’re an artist especially, i recommend this because that’s a big theme and you get to see these characters expand their art styles! which is very cool!

(you can read this one fully on 1stkissmanga)

now here’s where the majority of my recs are:

IN PROGRESS (all can be read on webtoon.com)

1) The Makeup Remover (currently 71 chapters)

i look forward to this every tuesday and friday because oh man!!!!!!!!! idk about you guys, but i am thinking about beauty standards A Large Amount of the time, especially when i consume media. and this webtoon is all about beauty standards (specifically in Korea, but still applicable like. everywhere). Main character Yeseul ends up having to partake in this beauty competition and, with her experiences through it, she begins seeing makeup and beauty standards for the huge role they play in society. i said it already but i LOVE LOVE LOVE this webtoon because it really challenges you as a reader to think about your own perspectives. why do we find the things/people beautiful that we do? what shapes our perception? how much of it is marketing, and how much of it shows in our daily lives? what assumptions do you make about people based on how they look? AGHH im sounding like an essay prompt instead of a reviewer but man. if you like webtoons that examine society through a critical lens (gosh i sound like an english teacher), this is the one. 

2) Odd Girl out (currently 261 chapters; on season 2) 

okay, first and foremost: if you’re NOT into long winded drama, this probably isn’t it for you. i will admit im not a fan of long problems that get dragged out, especially in a school setting, but i did keep reading this webtoon and i am glad that i did! the character development here is amazing and ONE CRUCIAL THING is that the whole first season (which is many, many chapters. at least over 100) focuses on the friendship between our main 4 girls. if you don’t wanna wait for a romance storyline (which comes in season 2), then you’ve gotta have the patience of a saint. i loved this though because lots of romance webtoons cast friendships aside or use them to further the romantic plot. platonic relationships are great to read about and this one does it masterfully! main character nari is resilient and emotionally strong, and it’s great to see her ruin her enemies

3) Cursed Princess Club (currently 110 chapters; on break before the final season)

this is another one about beauty and societal expectations, but in a fantasy setting! it’s really funny and the cast of characters is heartwarming. Gwen is a princess, but she doesn’t look like the typical princess. she accidentally stumbles upon the Cursed Princess Club, which is exactly what it sounds like: a club for princesses that have been cursed and are trying to find their self worth despite not being conventional princesses! now that i think about it, this is like a lighthearted mixture of Makeup Remover and Spirit Fingers. although while i do say “lighthearted”, this webtoon has its fair share of mysteries and exploration of deeper topics. but its funny throughout

4) Brass & Sass (currently 83 chapters)

ahh this one is really cute and the art is cute, too! i also like how this has a diverse cast. high schooler Camilla kinda sucks at band, but dangit if she’s not passionate. Victor is some type of musical prodigy but he’s a brass-hole (hahaha get it. no that’s not original i ripped it from the summary). now i KNOW I KNOW, the whole “perky girl and asshole guy” is so overplayed BUT DON’T FRET! this isn’t the type of story where the girl “fixes” the guy, or where the guy is an asshole to everyone except the girl. believe me, the character development and relationship development in this story is SPLENDID. there’s no real antagonist. it’s just a bunch of high schoolers trying their best to make themselves and everyone else happy, and that’s hard! the story is carried more by the characters than by the plot, but it works well in this case since the characters are strong and each one has a presence. 

5) Surviving Romance (currently 10 chapters)

this one is relatively new compared to my other recs but it’s by the author of the Makeup Remover so yaknow i had to hop on it. BUT IT IS VERY DIFFERENT! first off, it’s a horror, so keep that in mind. the best way i can describe it is a mixture of the standard “girl falls into a story” genre, Groundhog Day, and zombies. Yeah. Bascially, Chaerin is our main girl and she’s in a romance story that’s she’s read a bajillion times, so she knows the day has come for her male lead to confess his love! except he doesn’t! because he becomes a zombie instead! hahaha well that sucks! it’s only got 10 chapters but i am very into it, and it seems to be taking an emphasis on platonic relationships, so i am very closely watching 👁👁

6) The Witch and the Bull (currently 60 chapters) 

another witch story! and the art is GORGEOUS. more witch + nonwitch conflict, too! our main dude, Tan, is the royal advisor and he’s hella bigoted against witches. our main girl, Aro, happens to be a witch. and Tan needs her help to make him into a human again (because he got turned into a bull. that is worth mentioning). this is a very barebones summary and there’s a lot more that goes on, but that’s the general gist of the beginning!

ANYWAYS. this got very long, predictably, and i rambled for each title, predictably. i’ve got more that i’m reading, but i really like these 9! i also made comments on the art for a lot of them, which might not matter to some people, but i feel like my art was very impacted by each webtoon i read. if you’re an artist i recommend finding a webtoon you like and studying the art; try implementing parts you like into your own style! 

anyways, i am FINALLY done talking. bye yall 

*sequel* to actual fucking quotes from the shiftblr coffeehouse discord server

once again, it's out of context because x1000 funnier

also x1000 longer than previous post

"ur satan is gnc af"

"Bestie I’m already having gender envy over a fucking demon please"

"O_O ODEPIJHFbavevisdpvfhzdcnjawedsidjksjdkoeirjfmkdsoeirujdksodifjndmksoidfjdksidfj ITS" NOT IN MY FRAFTS IS SPEDNT 1 hour PN THAT SHIT"

"AUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"

"ohoho sexy"

"I am very proud of myself"

"himbo x edgy fuck"

"YOU COULD SQUISH HES CHEECKS"

"he has teefs"

"SQUASH"

"good for biting 📷"

"he's a himbo basically"

"B͂̒̄iͫ̍̈tͧ̓ͯè̄̇"

"bifth"

"i havent watched blue exorcist in years but mr okumura my beloved </3"

"MY LIFE QUESTIONS HAVE BEEN ANSWERED"

"is it important information to mention that the person i put up for my turn is the son of satan" "I know like 1 thing about everyone who isnt ranboo lmfao"

"crimes"

"tumblr sexyman"

"idk why but my first thought was cowboy onceler"

"I vibe with him but he is very long and twisty"

"steampunk e-girl"

"steampunk tumblr sexyman"

"Canonically bi crimelord I agree!!"

"OOO FRIEND SHAPED"

"ARTIST SIGHTED"

"they look like someone i would want to be friends with but is way cooler than me so i'd never actually talk to them"

"babby..... would die for him"

"honestly i probably kin him"

"i'm sure he's lovely but he looks way too much like my ex i'm sorry-"

"i'd be down for another rotation! i have another twink to show y'all"

"Also :00 blonde friend"

"Let us all infodhmo"

"Hsjagdvbs shhh im on phone"

"Nix woukd you like to joon?

"skitters away"

"I have two braincells and they both drink dumb bitch juice"

"oof wait whats the order again i have 0 memory"

"i want to bond with him over cosplay-"

"Awkwardly watches in band kid"

"One day I'm gonna a broadway star"

"which isnt to say they were bad. they were just fortnite dancing during rehersals"

"I threw it so hard my glasses flew off and slid under the stage right divider"

"anyway heres my boi"

"emo"

"haha emo"

"virgil sanders kinnie"

"he looks like he listens to my chemical panic at the fallout boy"

"Bro I bet he'd kick my ass with his deck"

"bird man my beloved"

"fuck i had so much to say and then i forgot it all"

"Birds!!"

"guiguhuh"

"crabrave"

"She sounds like someone I would end up stealing her personality"

"yess name collector gang"

"alias glass aiden haven absinthe fish brick rice"

"But I have Cypress, Remure, Genesis, Lemres, and Comet"

"And she's named after a mars candy bar bc alien"

"Hey, if plato went by plato, you can be king thief"

"im not dissing my gramma like that shfojd"

"My dad has seven legal names" "bitches be like *looks at fictional character* *steals their name* it's us we're bithces"

"coraline lowkey traumatized me but i adore it regardless"

"mmmmmm magic man :]"

"°0° green man"

"criminal (affectionate)"

"he would shoplift a candy bar from walmart and then brag to all of his friends about the sick stealing he did"

"despite the fact he's canonically been capable of overpowering a minor deity"

"i would commit so many crimes for him"

"Very babey"

"Yes please tell green man he is very pog"

"he also keeps a lot of dumb secrets"

"but I will sorely miss the chaos and energy of this here chat until I wake again" (by request XD)

"i just say words and if they're funny then they're funny"

"* or extremly chaotic either works"

"at this point we are just taking turns rambling"

"oH--"

"bc my brain has a schedule"

"Hopefully they have gyoza there or I will lose my mind"

"hehe yes spooky man"

"my ghost glucose guardian"

"the head of the undead group that lives there, and we end up dating. (yes I date a ghost, no I will not be taking constructive criticism /lh)"

"ghosts r just inherently sexy"

"i mean im becoming a squid thing so"

"Raven quirk raven quirk!!"

"ł â m p"

"łæmp"

"mothman: ooh lamp you look very nice today! do you come here often? mothman: wait shit no"

"I'd date a ghost"

"mine is still accurate, i am still sobbing (/j)"

"p e e p e e"

""@nick wilde is a tumblr sexyman" is the best thing i have ever seen"

"im sorry im cackling like a dying hyena"

"you're all 12 year olds"

"PEENIE"

"He once caused global warming on accident so he could get a tan"

"god, what a himbo. i love him"

"that reminds me of my friends kin assigned me jesus"

"Man outside of battle be like: princely crying but then in battle hes like: "CATACLYSM! DISASTER! DEVASTATION!" Chill out man"

"Every time I talk about satan it never fails to shock people it's my favorite thing to do"

"im kin assigning him roman sanders" ""Oh yeah he caused global warming because he wanted to get girls" "he what""

"oh damn i forgot satan was straight"

"twink appreciation club"

"give us the twinks"

"my first thought was bottom-"

"so many people to try and get his dad to love him"

"daddy issued"

"OH MY GOD ITS WILBUR"

"Big boy but"

"anyways janus is swagggg"

"........................."

"gib twink"

"give twink then i will share"

"holds him gentle like hamburger"

"This dumb bitch opened a book that said "do not open" and got possessed by a little bastard"

"he is. fragile creachur"

"klug is beauty klug is grace i would let him step on my face"

"If I'm playing swap and I have to hear one more "Pwanet Powew" Im gonna lose it"

"Who is to blame? Pandora or the box?"

"Bakugo isnt my type but I respect the drip"

"i say like my type isnt long-haired pretty boys and girls that look so gnc that people have a history of confusing them for men"

"hes a gremlin and i can appreciate a pretty gremlin"

"that is to say i am attracted to VFlower vocaloid. This is a confession."

"note i am a lesbian"

"You may like Schezo wegey"

"why does he have one single expression"

"soul soul eater passes the vibe check"

"magic wand"

"I Want To Hold His Hand"

"i would commit a war crime for him any war crime idc which one"

"my favorite one is when he sounded rlly gay because he said "Muscular bodies keep me satisfied""

"p e a n u t"

"Klug is a homophobic homosexual its just facts"

"grug from the croods is peak male performance"

"jaw drops to floor, eyes pop out of sockets accompanied by trumpets, heart beats out of chest, awooga awooga sound effect, pulls chain on train whistle that has appeared next to head as steam blows out, slams fists on table, rattling any plates, bowls or silverware, whistles loudly, fireworks shoot from top of head, pants loudly as tongue hangs out of mouth, wipes comically large bead of sweat from forehead, clears throat, straightens tie, combs hair Ahem, you look very lovely."

"tag yourself im the fireworks shooting from the top of the head"

"i like essays"

"central time gang"

"11:11 pog-" (wait... is that a suprise angel number?? yes it is lovelies just for you <3)

"Then again im also a dumbass bitch who wonders what the souls in soul eater taste like. SERIOUSLY THOUGH. THEY LOOK TASTY AS HELL!!!! LIKE GODDAMN BRO YOU'RE MAKING ME FUCKING HUNGRY. Like. that shit- it's Bone Apple motherfucking Teeth. hell yea my guy. Im hongy now.... shlorp I'm seriously considering this. Like. They seem kinda like a liquid? But a solid? Are they like jello? The fuck they taste like my guy???? I keep imagining they're like sour, like sour candy maybe? Or do they taste salty? Sweet? Maybe some combo of two? Do they even have a taste or is it about the texture? The sensation? God my mouth is watering what the hell. I am starving. I think I need to go get a cookie. I'm gonna go get a cookie. Brb. I'm better. I'm still craving souls though. Which is a weird-ass cringey thing to say but I'm being dead-ass rn. They just.... look tasty???? And I wanna eat one. Thus. I am shifting to Soul Eater for the express purpose of satisfying my fucking cravings. enjoy"

"points were made"

"jello? more like helloooo schloooAHFJDSDAIDWNALDHSJKDAIDANDM"

"WAIT I THINK I HAVE AN ANIME GIRL BITING VIDEO TOO"

"anime girl voice: mmm! mm... ahhhhmp!! mmm, mmm... aaahmp!"

"i think it sounds great i'm going to start eating like that"

"several people are typing"

"do these look edible to you"

"forbidden gummies"

"when I was on lsd I couldn't eat my fruit gummies because I thought they were alive because they had little faces on them"

"oh shit yeah don't do drugs"

"anyways general consensus is puyos are edible, ty for your input everyone"

"everypony is a word so powerful it can bring nations to its knees"

"pls the self control it's taking me not to say "hewwo everypony" in gen chat when someone new joins-"

"hewwo evewrypony uwu deaw cewestia i hopwe it doewsnt wain owo"

"ive cooked up a sowution wiwth the knowwege ive acwued. they say a kitcwen time saves niwne, but im just savwing two. Ive gathewwed the inwedients to make a time sowbet. Thewe's hawdly woom fow seconds when the seconds mewt away."

"I had a ten year old sister... you know what happened to her??? very sad, very tragic... she turned eleven....."

"NIIICE"

"Guts dont say the secks word :( /j"

"watch your fucking language in front of the president"

"im so sorry lumi"

"i think you're like ehhhh 8/10 funny"

"now me???? 10/10. Hilarious"

"sometimes i have to take a step back and remember that this is the same guts i follow on tumblr /lh"

""ok every here's some good shifting advice!!! uwu have a good day" "yeah i did lsd and ate fruit gummies""

"i have one setting and it's whatever this is"

"my bitch ass cat just pushed the door open with his fuzzy face and now my sleeping dad is being lulled into dreams by Cosmo Sheldrake's 'Pliocine'."

"me on discord: nick wilde"

"me on tumblr: shifting water! haha funne! me on here: my hermit crabs are cannibals also i want to eat souls."

"im sorry yOUR VIBESA RE JUST SO DIFFERNT"

"u give off older cousin ive never spoken to but always admire at the family gatherings vibes"

"what the fuck"

"BC I HAVE LIBERTU"

"If you adopt me then yes"

"am I qualified for dad jokes???"

"we're all a lot smarter on tumblr"

"I'm like "awww... sweet... sweet little shiftlings... posting such sweet shiftling content... so pure, so wholesome... does not even know abcs....""

"can't think before you speak if you never think B)"

"I'm not responsible enough to be a mom"

"cat pet"

"show us pictures of the cat or i will do Crime"

"maybe thats me being a coward tho"

"MOTH!!!! MOTH MY BELOVED"

if y'all want I can make this a series bc shiftblr keeps giving me more content

non-navigational maps

y/n's new to the giant busy crowds of new york so she wanted to ask someone for help

pairing: peter x fem!reader

status: strangerz

Warning: shy reader (idk if this is a warning but just in case)

y/n's POV

new york sure is loud, like really really loud. but thankfully i found a park or something so i can relax a bit and really look at my map. i couldnt understand a thing. seriously how do people use a thousand subways just to get to one place?

after a few minutes i gave up and tried to ask someone for help which isn't very fun for me considering i barely talk to strangers...too shy for all of that but my familly will murder me if i wasnt home by 6 and most importantly im STARVING. hmm lets see, a mom and her toddler? nah shes probably busy as it is trying to stop her little boys tantrum, the old man in the bench infront of me? yeah why not- nope his ice cream just spilled on his shirt poor thing. i wanted to help him out but someone already did, a boy i think wait no he looks older maybe my age?  i dont know, i can only see his back, his hair looked cute though soft, brown, light, did I mention soft?- ok y/n stop it.

"Damn it!" The old man cursed "should've gon for the vanilla" he shook his head, I laughed his comment, he 'should've' gotten vanilla coz his t-shirt was white and it wouldn't stain that much *laughing* ugh so wholesome

I heard another voice, a much younger voice. I looked up from my god damn map to meet the back of the boy who's helping the guy out, laughing at what he said. His laugh is cute too

"But chocolate tastes better sir, I think you made a great choice" he wiped the excess now I know chocolate ice cream off the old mans shirt

"I always make the right choices kid, the names Stan" the once grumbled old man, smiled just from an act of kindness by a boy my age, he held his hand for him to shake

"Peter, Peter Parker sir" he shook his hand and smiled he said something to Stan which made him laugh. I giggled from their interaction just happy from what I've witnessed. for some reason I find guys my age helping others attractive it really shows me how good of a person this guy is, it makes me feel like not all boys my age are bad, I don't know hopefully I'll see him soon

*A/N: YES IM PUTTING A STAN LEE CAMEO IN HERE, if you didn't ask...The old guy I'm talking abt is Stan lee ;)*

After looking at my map a billion more times to try and not talk to people I gave up again and kept looking around, since there wasn't anyone else in this side of the park I decided to walk, if I'm staying for a while might as well get some exercise am I right?

I walked for a few minutes until I found a group of benches again so I looked for someone unoccupied, not sketchy, and hopefully is in a good mood, till i found a beautiful woman probably in her 40s or something ( but she looked amazing though)

she seemed nice as well, she just had that vibe to her so i decided to ask her, yayy can you feel the sarcasm?? I'm TERRIFIED

she was sitting on the bench, lifting her glasses every once in a while to read the book she had in her hand. i slowly walked up to her, nervous. what should i tell her? that im new to the area and if i couldnt find a Mcdonalds soon ill turn into the next hulk? the nerves seemend to fade away once we we locked eyes, she had brown welcoming eyes, a smile ill probably never forget plastered on her face.

"hello sweetie, what can i do for you?" her voice was like honey sweet, and calming as well.

"oh uhm sorry to bother you but i- i am kinda lost and i-i cant find a burger place kind near the are-" i was a stuttering mess! But thankfully i got interrupted from humiliating myself...by the- who is this guy? Oh wait! That's the guy that helped the old man! Peter? Yeah Peter, Peter Parker

"sorry i took a while aunt may, theres this old guy named stan, he spilled his ice cream all over his shirt so i decided to help him and i bought him a new one! should we go..." the boy trailed off, he looked cute not gonna lie, he had the same features as the woman infront of me, brown eyes, soft brown hair, and a kind spirit definitely. "s-sorry was i interrupting something?" he rubbed the back of his neck embarrassed

"no its okay peter, this lovely lady right here is just lost would you be a doll and help her? im bad at maps as it is" she laughed pointing at me. the second he looked at me blood rushed to my cheeks, he really was cute. i gave him a small wave and a barely audible 'hi' but luckily he picked it up and replied with a 'hey'

"i-im"

"Peter, yeah I know. Kinda heard saw helping the guy out. That's really sweet of you...what you did" I blushed "a-a-anyways I'm y/n" I wiped my clammy hands on my jeans to take the sweat off quickly before he shook them.

"Uh nice to meet you too?" he fiddled with his hands his smile growing bigger with every second he looked at me "y-you needed help?" He asked blushing and also eyeing may like he's frustrated from her or something, I laughed at his face and opened the map in my hands

"Uhm, well i-I'm supposed to go to the 21st street 3rd Avenue or somethig by 6 coz my parents will kill me if I was late since were new here, but I think there's enough time to go find some burger place or something since I'm starving and there should be a Macdonalds around the corner right? Oh my god I'm so sorry I'm rambling...I do that a lot when I'm frustrated.....and hungry haha" I nervously laughed mentally kicking myself for being such an idiot to a boy I potentially liked

"Oh no no, I don't mind. So uh you live in queens?" He started off smiling a bit, I was scared for a second since i didn't tell him about that part how would he know that?

"Oh uhm, I'm from queens and the 21st street 3rd Avenue is in queens" he probably got nervous since he saw my slightly frightened face, but it softened once I knew that he wasn't a creepy stalker or some shit

"Y-yeah yeah queens, sorry" why the the fuck am I apologizing?

"No it's fine, you don't need to worry. You probably couldn't find the 21st because you held the map upside down?" he chuckled flipping the map and I just died in embarrassment like can the floor eat me or something?

"I'm such an idiot oh my god" I face palmed and laughed a little the world has something against me I am sure of it

"No you're not, you're new to the busy subways and noisy streets it's fine" he assured me and continued on chuckling, can this day get any worse? "well ironically there isn't a burger place near this area" well great "but t-theres this deli sandwich shop that I always g-go to, uhm I don't know if you'd like that but it's uh really good" he squeaked red swarming to his cheeks and the tip of his ears

"He can show you, if you want? Since you're new and everything he'll be happy to help" the woman buts in smirking, turns out she's been listening to our conversation than reading her book. She sent Peter a wink and packed her stuff

"But what about the library may, you said you wante-"

"It's ok Peter, just come home before 7 and be safe!" She patted his shoulder and gave me a smile. It all happened so fast but I smiled back. Guess I'm gonna go eat with a handsome stranger?

"Well uhm sorry about my aunt" he cleared his throat "wanna g-go grab a sandwich? It's like 10 minutes away and uh we have like" he checked his watch " 3 hours before it turns 6 so plenty of time..." he trailed off, I could either decline and not explore with a cute boy and get lost again? Or risk it and potentially get kidnapped....yeah the answer is pretty obvious

"..uhm yeah sure, let's go" I ushered him taking the map and stuffing it in my bag "well, after you"

I'm thinking of doing a part 2 idk 🤷🏻‍♀️

Have a wonderful morning/afternoon/evening/night!

-quacksonlover

I need something to do. I've lost my passions. Apathy towards everything. Lately, I'll put my earphones in, turn the music up, and just scroll for hours, all the while feeling shitty inside. I lost myself, somewhere, somehow. And I don't know how to get back.

This past week I tried to do some sport. And I did. On Wednesday I did some exercise following an app, and on Thursday I went for a run first thing in the morning. And it felt great. I somehow had energy afterwards. But still nothing to do really. So it was wasted. And of course, the next day the muscle aches hit and you regret ever going out in the first place.

I'm always hungry because I'm bored. And I go to the kitchen and think, I want to eat, but I also want to loose the quarantine weight so I tell myself I shouldn't. But after the third visit to the kitchen, I give in. And then I feel bad about it. Plus this summer heat is killing me. So done with it tbh. But still a good two months more of it, basically. No seaside or pool, I might add.

I'm just finding it very hard to not be negative. But that seems to be my personality. A pessimist about everything and anything. Except maybe when I'm trying to cheer someone else up, or in those brief moments of positive thinking that last a few hours and then get crushed...

A mutual asked me on here recently what I meant by "mental mess" in my header. Well, friend, this is what I mean.

Add to the mix my current life stage and you have the cherry on the top. I failed to finish university this term, which means I have to pay more money to get those 6 credits I'm lacking in order to graduate. The actual graduation ceremony has been cancelled in the end because of coronavirus. I'm currently living at my parents house, which is never easy. And it's so stressful. It's never easy to move back home once you've become accustomed to your own way of doing things. There's also just so much tension in this house. It's exhausting.

Also, I'm stressed because I hardly have any savings left, and I hate the idea of having to rely on my parents if I want to move out. I'm trying to get a TEFL qualification so I can teach English and hopefully get a job that allows me to live and work away from here. And that in itself says a lot. Because I'd always said teaching English would be the last thing I'd ever do. But I guess I've basically found myself with no other viable option right now. And who knows, maybe it won't be so bad. Idk. But anyway, I need to finish it before I can start sending CVs out. Besides, I have no place to go back to. I left my apartment when I moved back here. And the flatmates I had are also gone. So it's basically starting from zero. I'm just so sad that my university days are practically over and the real world sucks balls. Why does growing up have to be like this? Can we fast forward to when I have my life together and feel content with my surrounding circumstances? I'm not even asking to be fully happy. Just enough to be okay. Contentment is the only way to get through this hell. Happiness is an illusion. We can experience happy moments, but it's not possible to live 100% happy every second of everyday. Not in this world. At least, that's how I see it right now...

I'm both dreading and looking forward to a wedding I have in a few weeks. One of my best friends from uni is getting married to her longtime boyfriend. A super cute couple. I'm so jealous of her. She seems to have her life all figured out. Her boyfriend has a good job in Germany, and after the wedding they're both moving over there. She has a job waiting for her too. And they already have a cute little apartment. Give it a few years and they'll have their beautiful children, etc, etc.

The wedding is both a celebration, but also a goodbye. And not just of the happy couple. I know most of the other invitees. They're also good friends of mine. And this wedding is probably the last time I'm gonna see any of them for a long time. And that makes me so sad. But at the same time, I'm so excited to get out of here and celebrate with my friends for a few hours. For a few hours I can forget my worries and just live again. Plus, I plan on downloading some of this mental shit to them. Long overdue. It'll be interesting to hear their perspectives. And to be honest, I just want someone to empathize with how I feel. My parents don't get it. Neither does my brother. And that just adds to the whole mess.

On another note, I'm also kinda low-key worried about Covid-19 at the wedding. My friend has told me they're doing their very best to ensure the recommended distances are kept between people, chairs and tables at all time. Masks will be compulsory and there will be hand sanitizer everywhere. So it should be fine. But still, it does make me a little nervous to go out and be around so many people.

Anyway, enough ramblings for one day. Thanks for reading, if you made it all the way...

Starcrossed Losers VII (Josh Wheeler xReader)

A/N: So I guess most of you already heard the news about Daybreak… It sucks, and I’m really upset about it, but don’t worry, I won’t stop writing about the show, I love the story and I think as long as there are people interested in it, we can keep it alive. With nothing else to add, I hope you enjoy the chapter, see you on Thursday

Words: 4,153

Warnings: Blood, dead people, feelings, Y/N has a breakdown at some point and Eli is there to kinda calm her down??? idk, bad writing cause I just can’t proofread to save my life.

Previous chapter // Next chapter

I sent Wesley and Angelica to talk to Eli but it was a failure so now I’m waiting here while they get medicines from another place. I’m hungry as hell and waiting for a solution isn’t helping my anxiety. So I write a third note apart from the ones Wesley and Angelica put about going to the pharmacy on Josh’s hand saying I‘m looking for more bandages (cause now we only have one left) and that he better don’t move from where he is or I’ll knock him off again.

See? this is what I mean, people only cause you problems if you’re a good person. Will Josh wake up to thank us for doing all this stuff? Probably not, cause he’s too busy thinking about kissing Sam to be a decent human being. 

But who am I to judge anyway, is not like I was the embodiment of selflessness. I was going to end Alex’s relationship, that’s the kind of person I am.

——————————————

“Alex, hey! Alex!” I’ve been standing outside his place for what it feels like the longest time, it’s freezing and dark out here; if my parents notice I’m not home I won’t hear the end of it, but this is important. I need to know exactly where I’m standing on Alex’s life.

‘Y/N, you literally told us like two chapters ago that you and Alex never talked about the kiss, what the hell are you doing?’ Well…

“Y/N? Is all okay?”

Just keep reading.

“Stuart,” I say in a tone of surprise, “I didn’t know you were coming over to Alex’s”

“Yeah, we’re gonna watch a movie” Stuart says, giving me a curious look, “I didn’t know he had invited you”

“He didn’t,” I say quickly, “no, I just need to talk to him about something… school stuff.”

“School?”

“I know it’s late, but you know me,” I shrug, trying to sound as casual as posible, “I got all anxious about it and he wasn’t answering my texts, so…”

“Oh, I think it’s because he’s taking a shower,” He smiles, “but hey, let’s go inside so you don’t freeze to death.”

“I really don’t wanna bother…”

“Come on, Y/N, you’re a friend,” Stuart replies, “it’s better if you stop worrying about it and ask him, you’re here anyway.”

We walk inside Alex’s house and I sit on the edge of the couch, unable to control my anxiety. I look over to my friend and a sudden idea hits me. I could tell him and all would be over…

Stop! What did Katie just told you? I can’t do it with Stuart here, I can’t ruin their date. I can’t ruin my friends’ relationship just cause I’m confused about my own feelings. This is dumb, I can live with the doubt, I don’t have to do this. I’ll tell Stuart to not worry about it and I’ll-

“Y/N?” Alex appears at the end of the stairs, his hair is damped and his shirt has tiny droplets. But overall he looks nice.

And that’s when I realize, Alex never dressed like that for our outings. Or for when I was the one going over to his house to watch movies. He never did any of those nice things he does for Stuart. I discovered (with lots of pain) that if I ask him right now to tell me who is he in love with, he’s not gonna say my name.

And that’s all I needed to know.

“Uh, hi,” My voice comes out hoarse, I try to fix it before I continue, “you know what?” I look over to Stuart, “I can fix it on my own, don’t worry about it. Thanks for letting me in though.”

“Are you sure?” Stuart asks me in confusion.

“Yeah, I’m sure. You…” I look intently to Alex, making sure he knows what I mean with what I’m about to say, “clearly have something more important going on here. Don’t worry, I’ll do fine.”

Alex opens his mouth to answer but nothing comes out. He stares at me with a pained expression. Stuart walks me out since he’s the closest to me.

“Enjoy the night for me, will you?” I ask him once we’re outside, “and take care of Alex, he’s the only best friend I have.”

“Sure thing, boss,” He chuckles, “have a good night, Y/N. Try to not get so easily scared about little things.”

——————————————

“I don’t get easily scared,” I grumble, holding tightly the bandages against my chest, “fucking Stuart, being super nice…”

My rambling dies as soon as I’m in front of Josh’s bed. He’s tied up and has a piece of fabric on his mouth. Crumble is standing beside him.

“Uhm,” I look at her, “what the fuck?”

“He’s safe,” She mumbles, looking at his hand with hunger, “Don’t worry, he still has all of his body parts. Except for the finger.”

“I want to ask… but at the same time, I’m too afraid to do so,” I shake my head, and put the bandages on the table next to me, “that’s enough, we’re fixing this on our own, Crumble. I’m talking with Eli myself, he’ll give me whatever it is he has on that fucking pharmacy and he will do it, now,” I point to Crumble expecting to look at least a bit threatening, “no biting while I’m gone!”

“No biting,” Crumble shakes her head with enthusiasm.

Cut to five minutes later, I’m standing next to the curtain and screaming to get his attention.

“Eli Cardashyan, get your ass here right now!”

“Ah, have you guys come to your senses?” He’s got an annoying smirk on his face, “Do you have my lotion?”

“What the fuck are you talking about?” I ask, “No. Wesley and Angelica haven’t returned but Josh is getting worse and I need medicine. Please.”

“Open this shit up, then.”

“No can do, Wesley took the keys with him,” I reply.

“Then I’m sorry but I can’t help you.”

“Can you stop acting like a child for a second?” I huff in exasperation, “Neither Josh or I ever did anything to you at school. Help him.”

“But you saw,” He points his finger and wiggles it through the curtain, “you saw how they treated me and you never did anything about it.”

“Dude, if I would’ve tried to help every single student that the jocks mistreated I’d have been killed in the first month. I wasn’t fucking Sam Dean, no one knew my name and sure as hell no one respected me more than they respected you. How important is that now anyway? That happened months ago when dogs were still normal size.”

“Well, now more than ever my survival depends on whether or not I like or trust you. And I don’t. So I want you out of here.”

“Fine,” I try to grab his finger but he takes it back, “give me the medication and I’ll make sure we all leave the mall tomorrow morning.”

“For real?” His eyes widened.

“Well, yes asshole. Isn’t that what you wanted?”

“I was fucking with you just to get on your nerves,” Eli raises his hands, “I have no medicines.”

“You don’t… What?!”

“I told Wesley before, I don’t have what he needs. That’s why they decided to look for it elsewhere,” He chuckles, “but it’s good to know you’re easily persuaded.”

“Fuck you, Eli!” I exclaim, “All I’m trying to do is to keep Josh alive, cause I don’t run away from problems and I’m totally capable of facing them, okay?! I need him to be okay, cause then all I did was a waste of time!”

And I’m having a crisis, I’m totally having a crisis when I fall to the floor crying over a stupid dying boy. 

“Hey, calm down,” Eli scrunches down to be at my level, though he can’t really touch me cause I’m sitting way further, he stays as close to the curtain as possible, “I’m sure Wesley and Angelica will get them, don’t lose it.”

“I’m such an asshole,” I cover my face with both hands, completely unable to stop the tears, “I can’t seem to do the right thing no matter what”

“What do you mean? You’ve been taking care of Josh for a whole day, you’re not an asshole.”

“I’m only doing it cause I feel guilty!” I shake my head, “I did something horrible to my best friend and my sister, and now I want to fix it with another human being so I feel less guilty about my shit. And I just fucked it up again. I should pack my bags and leave”

“Dude whatever you did, I’m sure it doesn’t make you a monster. I mean, Baron Triumph already took the title.”

I hate this. I’m drowning in stress and I’m telling this to Eli out of all people. Now he most certainly will use it against me and I can’t do anything about it. The worst part is that I’m truly scared of what might happen to Josh if we don’t give him the right treatment. He still has the chance that was taken from me months ago. He can be reunited with the person he cares about the most.

I manage to calm down enough to clear my head and stand up, I clean my face and I look over to Eli with a threatening expression.

“For the record, I’m not crying because of Josh”

“Yeah, I could tell because your speech had no shit to do with him”

“I just have a lot to deal with,” I take a deep breath before continuing, “I know I’m not a monster. I said I was an asshole. And if you tell them anything of what just happened I will-”

“No need to put a knife on my throat,” He interrupts me, “I won’t tell them.”

“How do I know you’re being honest?”

“Cause you just had a breakdown in front of me and I don’t want to see that again, that shit’s scary,” Eli stands up too, “whatever happened before the nuke, well, you said it, it doesn’t matter anymore. It’s all bullshit now.”

“But you said…”

“Yeah, whatever,” Eli starts to walk away, “go back to Josh, make sure he’s not swallowing his tongue or something.” 

I really want to keep the conversation going, but he’s right. I should go back to Josh. And thank fuck I did, cause I came back to a horror show. 

Crumble was sitting at the edge of the bed, watching a bowl filled with larvae as they were eating out of Josh’s hand.

“Am I going to come back to some freaky shit every time I leave you alone?” I ask in fear, pulling her away from the bed, “What is going on?”

“They’re eating the infection,” She replies happily, “you said we were gonna fix this, so I helped you fix it.”

I look at his hand and I can’t see the skin, but we saw something about it in class, I think, like a semester ago. I don’t know what to say except for…

“Thanks,” I sit on the chair I slept in last night, “I can’t believe we didn’t think of that.”

“It’s cause you can’t think with an empty stomach,” Crumble nods, “we can share my worms after they’re done if you want”

“I don’t eat people…” I scrunch up my nose in disgust, “or worms. Or infections. Thank you for the offer, though.”

“Okay,” she turns around and goes back to have a conversation with her dolls.

“It’s been a hard couple of days,” I mumble, looking at Josh and trying to feel okay with the gross sound of the larvae eating his flesh, “but somehow, I’m okay with it.”

I try to remember exactly how did Josh and I meet. The first time, I mean. When we did our school project.

“Y/N L/N and… Josh Wheeler” Crumble mentions, and I straighten up in my seat.

“Who the hell is Josh Wheeler?” I say under my breath.

“That’d be me,” The boy at my right says, turning his body towards me.

Ah, shit. That’s awkward.

“Oh, sorry,” I smile apologetically, “I hadn’t heard your name before.”

“That’s cause I’m new here,” He smiles, “it’s alright, don’t worry. Josh is a common name anyway, so plenty of people don’t remember how I look.”

“I’ll make sure I’m not one of them.”

“That’s very appreciated, Y/N. I can call you Y/N, right?” He asks.

“That’s my name after all,” I grin.

“Cool,” Josh nods, “so, about the project…”

“If you can do it this thursday, I’m free.”

“Me too. We can go at my place if you want, my mom won’t be home so we won’t bother anyone.”

“Uh,” I hesitate for a moment, “Not that I don’t love going over to strangers’ houses but…”

“Don’t worry, I won’t try anything funny,” Josh chuckles, probably knowing exactly what I’m thinking, “but if you feel uncomfortable we can just go to your place, or the library”

“No, it’s fine. We can go to your place,” the dude seems decent, so I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt, “see you next thursday, at two outside school, then?”

“Sure,” He gives me a small smile before heading out of the classroom and we keep going with our lives.

——————————————

“We’re here!” Wesley pulls me back from my thoughts and I jump from my seat towards the entrance of the store.

“You got the stuff?”

“Oh, we got the stuff,” He shows me Angelica’s bag, packed with white bottles of pills. I squeal a little and give Wesley a tight hug, “look at that! Someone’s happy”

“I didn’t want to carry his ghost for the rest of my life, so yes. I’m relieved,” I grab the bottles but Angelica takes the bag from my hands, “hey!”

“I’m gonna make edible slime for him”

“Are you serious?”

“It won’t take long, besides he’s asleep now, right? And Crumble said she found a way to get rid of his gangrene, so he’ll be fine.”

And that’s when it hits me, Josh is going to be fine.

“Yeah… yes. Do the slime then, I’ll be with Josh.”

“You can rest if you want,” Wesley offers, “he’s out of danger.”

“I got used to being there, you know?” I shrug, “it won’t hurt to sleep one more night on the chair.”

It’s a lie, of course. It will hurt my neck and back, but I need to see the work completed, I need to see him with color on his face and laughing stupidly at his own jokes. 

——————————————

“You have a bad memory?” I ask Josh while pointing at the three post-it notes on the kitchen.

“Nah, that’s just my mom making sure I do what she needs me to do while she’s out,” He brushes it off, “just ignore them.”

“Okay,” I walk over to the living room and sit next to him, opening my backpack, “where should we start?”

“I think the second subtheme was the most extense. I was reading it during lunch and I feel like it will take us years to finish it, so maybe that?”

“You were reading about chemistry during our lunchbreak?” I giggle.

“Well I didn’t want to look like an asshole today, like, what if you had done research on your own and then came to my house to hear me say ‘oh, I don’t know what our work is about, I spent all night playing Outlast’ that would’ve sucked”

“I guess,” I reply, “let’s use all that knowledge then, before it fades.”

“I have plenty of knowledge,” He nods, keeping the joke alive, “I even googled the words I couldn’t understand.”

I laugh again and he joins in happily. He’s nice, I wonder if we’ll still talk after this.

——————————————

Spoiler alert, we didn’t. We finished the work, we got a ‘B’, we high-fived and said “hey, nice work” and we moved on. Cause that’s what you do when you’re seventeen and you’re paired up with someone you barely know. I had other stuff in my mind to be thinking “You know what could be fun? If I befriended that Josh guy I met in chemistry class”, I kept my promise, though. I never forgot his face, and he remembered my name and waved at me whenever he saw me in the halls. That was sweet.

When I wake up the next morning Josh’s aspect has improved. He’s not pale and isn’t sweating as much. The bowl with larvae is gone and it’s been replaced with the one with slime.

I rummage through my stuff and find a small package of cookies. I also pull out my notepad and cross them from my list. I’ll make sure to replace them before I leave. Halfway through my breakfast, Josh moves slightly and raises his hand, which is still reddish but now is a normal reddish and doesn’t smell like Ghoulie.

“Goodmorning, champ,” I smirk.

Josh looks at me and drops his head back on the pillows.

“I’m alive.”

“You are,” I eat the last cookie and drop the package, “eat up. Angelica made it for you.”

He turns his head towards the table and sees the slime, sitting up with more strength and animosity than the day before, he takes the bowl on his hands and tastes it carefully.

“Good?” I ask, he nods in approval.

“Cool,” I get up to leave, but he speaks up.

“Wait,” I turn around to look at him, “how long have you been there?”

“Oh,” I blush, not really wanting to answer the question, but I figure that if I don’t do it, someone else will, “the whole time, probably?”

“You stayed the whole night again?”

“I know you don’t like that-”

“No, thanks,” He replies with a soft, tired voice, “I was a dick the other day, thank you for looking after me.”

“I was making sure you were alright, that’s all”

“I know. I’m really sorry for treating you like that, you didn’t deserve it.”

“I’m glad we’re on the same page now,” I reply, “cause that means I can go without feeling guilty.”

“Oh. Right.” I think he looks disappointed for a second, but it goes away as soon as it comes, “You’re leaving…”

“I have to go restock so…” I don’t wait for a reply and I flee before he speaks to me again. 

Why? Oh, cause I hate confrontation and if I hear him I’ll probably want to stay. Turns out I kinda got attached to stupid Josh for spending a whole day watching over him and now is like that puppy you rescue from the rain, that you know you can’t keep but it has the cutest eyes you’ve seen and it’s just so cute? Yeah, I know you know what I’m talking about.

I’m on my way to retrieve the stuff I left on the store when I run into Josh. He’s out of the bed and is looking quite lively.

“Hey!” He grins, “I wanted to thank you.” 

“Dude, you already did that,” I roll my eyes smiling, “you need to stop before my ego flies through the roof. I’m telling you, you don’t wanna see-”

“You saved my life, Y/N. Along with the others, sure,” He adds, “but you went out of your way to stay and made sure the others got the medicines. You could’ve left me to die and you decided to stay and help.”

“Well, I needed my redemption. I didn’t do it just to be nice.”

“You kind of did,” He points out, “just like how you called me by my name whenever you got the chance at school, and how you offered me help to find Sam even though this was supposedly Triumph’s territory. You’re cool.”

“Thank you. You’re nice.”

“Don’t call me nice,” He shakes his head, “you say someone’s nice when you don’t have anything else to say”

“No. It depends on how the person says it. I say nice when there’s plenty to say,” I correct him, “but I can list all of it if you want,” I think about it for a moment before I start to enlist, “you’re sweet and caring, and resourceful. And you’re brave, cause instead of joining any tribe, you have been looking for a girl all on your own-”

“Okay, okay!” He stops me mid-sentence, “you win. Nice is good. I get it. Stop.”

Josh smiles openly at me and I catch myself thinking about how pretty his smile is.

NO. We are not going over the road again, Y/N. Don’t even think about it.

“Anyway, I wanted to thank you, so I got this for you” He pulls out a pair of bright, lime-green skates from his backpack, “I decided it was my turn to do something for you so I got you new skates.”

“Holy shit,” I whisper, trying to look cool about it, “any reason why you chose this color?”

“I don’t know, they felt like you,” Josh says simply, “if that makes any sense.”

“Thanks,” I mumble, and I know, I know I’m blushing.

Now more than ever I need to leave before this feeling grows into something more dangerous.

“You’re not even staying the night?”

“I told Angelica I would stay until you were better. How do you feel?”

“I feel…” He doubts for a moment, then continues, “I feel better.”

“Then my work here is done,” I smile, “take care, Wheeler.”

“I know it’s sappy to say it, but I will kinda miss you.”

“Shut up,” I roll my eyes, avoiding eye contact.

“Seriously, who will take care of our injuries when you’re gone? You should leave a notebook with instructions about what to do in case of stabbing, ghoulie bites, sunburns and stuff like that. You must have googled those too on your boring days, right?”

I laugh, nodding.

“I did,” I didn’t, but you know, fanfiction writers are dedicated as fuck to their research, “but maybe some other time? if we see each other again, I’ll make sure to have the notebook ready.”

“Deal,” Josh is beaming, not for me though, he just seems happy to be alive. 

My heart can’t take that sight so early in the morning, so I look away.

“Uh, Angelica told me they wanted to talk to you…” I mention.

“Oh,” The boy frowns, “okay.”

I follow him those few steps so I can say goodbye to Wesley and Angelica too, and luckily enough, both of them are sitting next to each other.

“Hey,” Josh raises his voice, “what flavor is this anyway? Antibiotic apple or, uh…” He chuckles, “triage truffle?”

Ah, there they are, the silly jokes. Fuck, I’ll miss that stupid sense of humor.

“They call it Josh-Cut-Off-His-Finger-Because-He-Sucks-Dick Berry,” Angelica answers softly.

“Rude,” I reply, then I realize she’s crying and my heart drops, “Hey, what’s wrong?”

“What’s going on?” Josh asks beside me, “Are you crying?”

“Come with us,” Is all she says before standing up and taking us outside the mall where they lead us towards a car.

Wesley opens the trunk and we stare at a corpse covered with a white sheet with bloodstains.

“We found her body on the way back.”

I look over to Angelica to find some kind of sign that this is all a bad joke, surely that can’t be…

“Show me,” Demands Josh, I hold my breath waiting for the worst.

Wesley pulls the sheet away and there’s no longer a face where it should be a face. It’s destroyed. The only thing that I recognized, is that yellow pin she used to wear all the time on her clothes.

“No…” I whisper.

“Sam,” Josh leans shakily against the trunk and carefully caresses the hair on her head, “oh, Sam…”

It’s more than I can take. I walk away from the car and turn my back to them, hands against my eyes so I don’t start crying for the second time that week.

This is not fair. It was supposed to be a happy ending. Josh, finding the girl and me finally free from any guilt. It wasn’t supposed to end with Sam Dean’s body at the back of a car. 

I wanna say that I’ll leave anyway. That I’m still packing my bags and walking out. But no. I’m staying cause I can’t leave Josh when they just took away from him the only thing that mattered the most. I know how that feels, and it sucks to have to live it alone. It hurt when Alex walked away after I had killed Katie. I’m not gonna do that to Josh, or anyone. I’m not scared. 

I’m staying.

Taglist.

@letsbloodmagic @hollywaterpls​

I could've skipped dinner today and had an orange instead but I felt like I needed to have some kind of bread in front of my grandma so I ate a small sandwich of french bread with zaatar and some tomato, last day I eat white bread, my mom buys some kind of brown toast that is 123 cal per 3 slices which is like how the fuck lol, so I'll eat that for dinner from now on and when there is no more I'll have only fruit until she buys more and gives me, idk I feel like I'm restricting very good but I'm not expecting much, was talking to my friend and he was mad at me I have been barely answering his messages and he was like really sad over it I did tell him I've been sleeping all day but I felt like he didn't believe me and I felt bad so I told him I started a "diet" again which is why I've been sleeping so much but idk if I should have done that... I don't usually tell people I'm trying to lose weight cuz it never goes good soooo yeah I might have fucked up? Also if I end up not losing much weight it's gonna be embarrassing lol, well we haven't met in person actually we met through mutual friends during lockdown and he was gonna come over with other friends for my birthday but I was worried I had covid and told them not to come so not like he's gonna know whether I've lost weight or not lol, the only places he's seen me is my face in video chat and my pictures on social media which are all from the times I hit my lw and very old pictures so he doesn't know what I look like, that just makes me wanna be skinnier than the photos he's seen when I see him... yeaaah lol the last picture I posted was from my birthday last year when I hit a new lw on my birthday so I'm gonna have to go under 55 if I wanna be "skinnier than the photo" which might take a long time... yeaaah idk, kinda wanna keep going on the scale till I'm under 60 then start weighing myself once a week so not only will I have to behave around food all week so I don't fuck up the progress before I see it on the scale but also it'll be a surprise every week, if I lose more than a kg in a week it'll make me happy and if I don't it'll make me mad lol so idk I'm still not sure if I can pull that off, I do get mad when I don't drop after a good restriction day so that's mainly why I want to start weighing every week instead of every day... idk I'm just rambling at this point we'll see, it's a long road till the 50s anyway so I have time to think about it lol. But like seriously I'm literally dreading weighing myself tomorrow cuz I've had two consecutive great restriction days but ik I'm not gonna be at the weight I wanna be tomorrow cuz weightloss doesn't happen overnight and I can't lose half a kilogram from this morning till the next especially that I haven't moved around much and I haven't exercised and I lost my pedometer so idk how many steps I made but ik I've been sitting down all day... Logically I can't drop 500 g till tomorrow, but when I weigh myself tomorrow and I haven't lost those 500 I'm gonna get mad cuz I'm a stupid impatient fatass and I wanna drop the weight already, talking about dropping the weight I really really wanna eat... like I'm soooo hungry, and it's not even 10:30 PM so it's gonna be a loooong night... maybe I'll allow myself one more loquat today if I really need to but I'll try my best not to, I'm gonna study a bit cuz I still haven't studied then sleep early today, I don't trust myself when I'm hungry, maybe when I'm done studying I'll write up a motivation letter for myself I love doing those lol ik it's stupid but I love writing even tho I'm a shitty writer but I tend to write scenarios that could happen later to motivate myself to do what I need to do and it's more fun than motivational but like if I write that after I'm done studying first off I'll stay up later so maybe I'll be able to sleep in tomorrow and delay my lunch, and also I won't be tempted to eat cuz to reach what I'm writing I can't eat, yeah I'll do that, I used to write it on paper when sitting in a boring class at school but maybe this time I'll write it on here and post

it privately, putting up a table to write imagines is too much work for me at this hour of the day lol, well I'll go study for a bit and get writing

lowkey part-timer!Jisung

Pairing: Yoon Jisung x Reader

Genre: Fluff, Christmas-themed, bullet-point scenario

Summary: A Christmas romance sparks between you and the cute, bubbly part-timer in your local grocery store.

Warnings: None

A/N: First story in the Christmas-themed scenarios I’m doing! I’m hoping I’ll be able to finish all of the rest 17 scenarios by Christmas!

Jisung was the cute part-timer at your local grocery store

He’s been working as the cashier in aisle 8 after he’s graduated from uni after he couldn’t find a job that pays decently

He decided to stay in his hometown, after suffering in a totally new city, and got a part-time job as a cashier that paid pretty well

You on the other hand, bought your own studio after moving out of your hometown

Your job as a photographer caused you move out and go to other places rather than your small town that always made you feel caged

You were putting together all your pictures you had taken the past week since you had to put out a new project soon

You decided to take a break and have a quick lunch then walk around to the parts of the city that you hadn’t been able to see yet

When you come out of your studio with all your necessities, you realize that a bunch of people were putting up Christmas decor and trees around their shops

It was Christmas? Already?

You celebrated Christmas, for you were a religious person, but you never got the whole holiday spirit type of thing

You didn’t really enjoy Christmas songs or the cold really

when you came out of your house you had only slipped on a thin cardigan with your camera and everything in your purse

You hated the cold

You had once been locked out of your house one winter and had to wait outside until your parents got back home from work

You were practically frozen when your dad discovered you covering your body with the welcome mat

So yah you had a trauma of the cold

You quickly take some pictures of the snow and all the people getting on ladders to decorate the light posts and rooftops

You smile at your work and skip down the sidewalk to the farther parts of town

You find yourself in front of a market which you had never seen before even when you were driving around when you first came

Maybe it was new?

You went in since you were hungry anyway and they most likely had samples

Meanwhile, Jisung was helping some of the other workers take out boxes and such, since no one was really in the lines

You were eating some of the sample dumplings when you see a chip bag fall

You’re about to pick it up when you feel more chip bags falling on you

You lift up your arms to shield yourself and let out a small shriek

You lose your balance when a heavy box falls on you

“OMG I’M SO SORRY! ARE YOU OKAY!?!? OMG OMG!”

You’re ready to give the guy a piece of your mind

But then all your thoughts are lost bc

Wow

This guy was cute

He was almost pouting while putting the bags back in the box

He noticed that you were standing back up so he quickly got up and bowed to you

“I’m so sorry….I-I didn’t see you there!”

You’re about to tell him it’s okay, but then suddenly a man who seemed like the manager came storming over

“YOON JISUNG!? WHAT ARE YOU DOING!? JUST BC IT’S ALMOST CHRISTMAS TIME IT DOESN’T MEAN YOU SHOULD LOSE YOUR WORKING MENTALITY! YO-”

“It’s fine! It was my fault! I suddenly stepped in front of him while he was passing.”

You defend jisung and he’s actually really surprised!?!?

Bc a normal person would be complaining w/the manager

And it would end up w/jisung mopping the floors or something

Yea this wasn’t the first time jisung caused trouble lol

But here you were LYING so he wouldn’t get in trouble

The manager is left speechless bc he kinda looks down on Jisung

So he storms away annoyed

Jisung glances at his furious manager then thanks you

“This isn’t the first time this happened & i prob would’ve gotten fired. thank you so much”

You grin bc omg he was so cute?

His santa hat was about to fall off so you reach over and straighten it up

Making jisungs cheeks turn soo red you thought he was gonna burst

You leave after that whole incident and you come back a week later

You just couldn’t get jisung out of your mind

You were sorta hoping to see him somewhere around the area where you live but no luck:P

So you just decided to go to his workplace yourself

When you entered, you were really shocked bc it was reallyyyyy busy

There were so many more ppl than last time

It was prob bc Christmas was now a week away

And ppl just buy presents last minute ya know

They were also preparing more food for family&friends so yah

You grab a pack of gum and head to the shortest line which was aisle 8

You were looking at your pics that you took earlier and that’s when you hear a familiar voice greet the elderly woman in front of you

You look up w/hope that it was Jisung and boi oh boi yes it was

This time he was wearing a headband w/reindeer ears that were somehow slightly slanted

After he greets the woman in front of you goodbye he turns to you with a smile then it falters when he notices

Wow it’s that really cute girl that defended me from my devil-ish manager

You just politely smile, not knowing if he remembered you since you were irrelevant ya know

But then he totally remembers you bc

“OMG IM SO GLAD TO SEE YOU AGAIN! DO YOU REMEMBER ME? AH~ AGAIN, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR SAVING ME FROM GETTING FIRED!”

“......uh...no problem?”

He grins and tries to make small talk w/you which is cute aha

Even tho you’re only buying one pack of gum

He somehow takes ten minutes to scan the barcode and charge you ???

I can’t with jisung he’s such a cute, underappreciated bean

You were in the middle of a very intense convo about beavers so you decide to meet him at a nearby coffee shop on Christmas Eve (may or may not be where barista!daniel works but you should go check it out :P shameless self-promo)

Both of you forget to give ea. other your numbers

But hopefully both of you will remember about that date meeting

AND YOU DO

fate really is on your side

You enter the coffee shop at like 6pm bc you weren’t sure if you guys decided the exact time to meet

You guys didn’t lol

But ya know

Fate will bring the two of you together right?

You wait for thirty minutes, but still no Jisung

You’re starting to think that he forgot, but then remembered he had a shift that ends at 9pm

Idk how you knew that but...it works

so you decide to just sit there and sip on some drinks

you take pictures and all

You’re so immersed into taking pictures of everything around the whole shop, that you don’t notice the timid and nervous looking man entering the now, almost empty cafe

You’re frowning at the picture you just took when you feel a tap on your shoulder

You turn around to see Jisung with a sorry, but excited grin on his face

You greet him with a wide smile as he apologizes how he didn’t know what time he had to come

He starts to ramble and you shush him

Like why does this guy say ‘sorry’ so many times?

“It’s fine. We both forgot to say a time to meet up. Besides, I wasn’t here that long”

He seems a tiny bit less sorry so the two of you start the convo about the beavers again

The talk about beavers went to zoos then went to how your lives went then led to your jobs, your interests, your hobbies, what that girl was wearing, blah blah blah

You felt like you really had a connection w/jisung

The two of you, as cliche as it may sound, clicked immediately

It only felt like five minutes passed, but the coffee shop owner had to kick you guys out since it was thirty minutes past closing time

You swap numbers this time and plan to meet each other at the same place tmrw @ 7pm for the annual Christmas tree lighting at downtown

Both of you lived alone and you suggested “why not have the loners meet up on Christmas Day?”

Jisung didn’t have work and you didn’t want to stress about your projects, so the two of you had agreed

As you walk back home you cant help but feel so giddy

How was a man having this much of an effect on you?

BECAUSE YOU HAVE A THING FOR HIMMMM

You smile at all the snow piling up and gape at how beautiful everything seemed

You have never felt so excited for Christmas

The next day comes by SO SLOWLYYYY

You weren’t able to sleep from the anxiousness and expectation you had for the next day so you were sorta tired

But you got dressed in simple clothing and went out for a walk and to buy Jisung a Christmas present

You didn’t know what he liked since you literally starte talking to him a wk ago

So you settle for some Christmas-themed socks, beanie, a pair of house slippers, and a gift card to the coffee shop you had been at yesterday

As you walk in and out of stores, you couldnt help but sing along to the Christmas carols that were playing

which you had never done b4

you did a double take and stopped singing, but you found urself humming along to “It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas”

And you also couldn’t help but oogle at all the stuffed animals that filled the walls

They were SO CUTEEE AND FLUFFYYYY

One of the stuffed ducks reminded you a lot of Jisung so you decided to buy it

You bought a lot of things, but they were all for a decent price so :))

It gets really dark really soon and it’s 6pm

ONE MORE HOUR TILL YOU MET JISUNG

You hurry back home and quickly dress in layers since it was going to be collldddd

The weather forecast said there was a 99.99999999% it was going to snow, so you couldn’t risk it

Even tho the weather forecast is always wrong

You pack your camera again bc you were planning to create a Christmas themed project nxt

As you run out the door you send Jisung a txt saying that you’ll be right there since it was five minutes till seven

When you arrive in the warm shop, your glasses immediately fog up causing you to groan

You try to fan the fog away but to no avail:)

Then you hear a big laugh and you turn to sorta make out a figure that looks like Jisung

He takes the end of his sleeve and cleans your glasses and you’re met with the brightest smile you have ever seen in your whole entire life

Maybe that’s when you fell for him

Tho it was a person you had known for a little over a week

You felt like you knew Jisung since you were a kid

He hands you a cup of peppermint hot chocolate and pulls you along to get a good view of the Christmas tree b4 too much ppl come along

You get there just in time and wait a few moments until the announcer comes out onto the podium

You and Jisung both cheer as the five minute countdown starts

The minutes go by so quickly and you jump up and down to keep yourself warm

Then you see a few snowflakes falling on Jisung

You both look up to see that ITS SNOWINGGGGGGG

The whole crowd of people ooh and ahh

And some kids squeal in glee

You softly smile and get out your camera to take a few shots of the falling snow

When you’re done there’s a minute left on the clock

You suddenly remember your present for Jisung and quickly get it out and hand it to him

“Merry Christmas!”

Jisung gasps and says ‘thank you’ in such a genuine way that it fills your heart w/pure happiness

He then shuffles around his backpack and takes out a large box that’s prob filled w/similar things as you gave him

You start to hear the announcer countdown from 10

ten

And that’s when Jisung starts to speak

“H-Hey, Y/N?”

Nine

“Hmm?”

Eight

“I know it’s been only like two weeks since we met”

Seven

But I can tell you’re such a nice person, ever since the day I first saw you”

Six

“You’re such a great person…and….uh”

You furrow your brows

What was he trying to say?

Five

“We have so many things in common than I thought we would”

Four

“I really thought i would get fired that day i dropped the chip bags on you”

You smile at the memories as the crowd gets louder and louder as the time to light the tree get closer

Three

“A-And ever since I saw you....Y/N...I uh”

You roll your eyes at his weird stalling

Two

“JISUNG! SPIT IT OUT!”

He looks at you w/wide eyes

One

“I-I LIKE YOU!”

The crowd erupts in cheers and claps w/kids screaming and laughing at the lights that shown brightly

The announcer shouts “now go home!” with a hearty laugh

Jisung stands in front of you with his hand clamped over his mouth

You stay silent and stare at him in shock

What were you supposed to say?

Sure you liked him, but you weren’t sure if you wanted to date someone you had known for a week

“T-THAT CAME OUT WRONG!”

you tilt your head in confusion

“What?”

“I don’t like you! NO NO I DO LIKE YOU! B-BUT-”

You burst out laughing at his panic

“I like you too, Jisung! But how bout having our first official date after getting to know each other a bit longer than a week?”

And the two of you stand in front of each other w/goofy smiles on your faces, in front of the glimmering, 30ft tall Christmas tree, underneath the moonlight in the gently falling snow

dang this was pretty bad lol

mon, jun 7, 2021, pt 2

ok i’ve decided that multiple posts a day is fine. i spent way too long looking for a header image for this blog and i’m not sure why, since i don’t intend for anyone but me to see it. i guess i just wanted it to be nice anyway. i ended up just choosing a plain mint green. before i did that i chose a profile picture, it’s just a random meme i have that makes me laugh, and idk why but it feels relatable. in case i change it in the future, it’s that girl from neon genesis evangelion and it says “it’s wednesday, or as i like to call it: thursday” idk why it feels relatable it just does. anyway enough about memes. it’s 5:05 now and I finished my english homework but idk, i’m feeling down now. not sure why, maybe because of the homework, maybe because i wasted a long time looking for an image for a blog no one will see. i was actually feeling pretty good after my first post, maybe because it felt good to post, or maybe something else. either way that feeling went away sometime between then and now. (i posted it at around 3:50, i think) (should i include timestamps on these? i think that would be interesting but i’m not sure whether to put the time i started writing the post or the time i finished it, cause i spent like about 15 min on the last one just putting down everything that my brain said. well, most of what my brain said) 

actually, writing this is making me feel a bit better again i think. i was honestly planning to probably procrastinate my math homework until tommorrow morning (it’s due when i have class, which is at 2:30) but i’m feeling a bit more capable of doing it now. i guess this really does help. i mean, i still don’t WANT to do my homework, but i’m feeling less down. maybe if i listen to music it will be bearable. either way i should do it soon because my concerta is starting to wear off, and the more it wears off, the more frustrating and unproductive homework is. woah, in the middle of writing that sentece i started dissociating or whatever, i’m not sure if that’s the right term. it’s been a while since this happened. it used to happen a lot. at the moment it’s kinda coming back and then going away and then coming back. i feel kinda sick. i should probably eat something.. all i ate today were two protein bars. ugh, if that’s how i’m eating i’m never gonna gain weight. why is it so hard for me to gain weight anyway? i’ve never been anorexic or anything, i just rarely get hungry because of my meds, which makes it really hard to eat. i love the days when i don’t have to take my concerta and i can enjoy food. those days i do tend to be hungry all day even when i eat meals, so i have a lot of snacks too. i guess not having to constantly get up to snack is kinda convenient, but i still hate the side effects of concerta. 

writing this feels good, but i should really do my math homework. i’m dreading it now though.. this feels safe, i just put whatever comes into my brain, onto the keyboard, no focus required, if my brain wanders, it comes back beacause i’m still typing the thought, i don’t have time to move to another one. well maybe that’s why this is easier than homework, idk. it feels good to just put whatever down, without sticking to a topic at all, it feels freeing. i thought i hated writing, maybe i just hate writing things when they’re meant to be coherent. writing this is fun, if i wanted to start talking about pokemon right after talking about my medication, i could! and no one could tell me not to, it’s my blog post and there are no expectations. i guess that’s how it’s different from like, creative writing, even though you can write about whatever you want, there’s still expectations, like a narrative and for things to make sense. this is great. no rules, no expectations for it to be entertaining or interesting, just putting down whatever i want. i could do this all day. but i think that’s what crazy people do. crazy people write pages and pages of rambling and incoherent thoughts. will i go crazy if i keep writing paragraph upon paragraph of whatever pops into my head? or is this just like a diary? is there a difference between a diary and the ramblings of someone insane? is the difference that one is written by an insane person? if so i guess the writing is not the cause of the insanity, so i’m probably safe. not that writing alone can cause insanity, but things like ignoring the outside world in favor of writing everything you feel like probably could. i mean, most unhealthy behavior could probably cause insanity if done for long enough. is this unhealthy? spending a long time writing down everything i feel like without rhyme or reason? IS this any different than a diary? i have no idea. ok this is creeping me out now.

i really should exrecise more often, i used to get a good amount, with walking home from the train station every day, as well as walking whenever i went anywhere with friends, but now i literally just sit on my ass all day. my ass is literally numb atm. ok i’m feeling a bit more motivated now, i think i’ll start on my math homework. as soon as i was nearly halfway through that sentence my motivation dropped again... idk wtf is up with me, is it normal for feelings to change within seconds and then go back again? i had like, 3 seconds of motivation and then it left. it just came back, and then promptly left again, i feel like emotions are the ocean waves right now (not trying to sound poetic just can’t think of another way to put it) like, for a few seconds i felt good, then it left, then came back, what’s up with this? my feelings aren’t usually this fickle. maybe it’s just that i’m hyper aware of them right now since i’m writing it down in real time. that’s probably it. anyway, gonna get up and stretch, but i don’t think this will be my last post for today.

Day 88 (Monday June 8)

i woke up from a crazy dream where my siblings ad i were traveling by car in some magic world and i was katara. i dont remember much, but i tried to press an entire treebranch like you would flowers between the pages of a book while the city law enforcement was chasing after us. at one point we walked in on a presentation and when they told me to get off stage i asked if ic ould please speak for a moment. they told me no, so i asked pretty please. i think that was a re-occurring part of the dream. 

i dont really rmember the specific order of what i did today, but here we go. i  spent some time outside today with my cat and ate a sandwich, but it was so unbearably sunny that we went inside. i later came back outside in the evening at like 8 pm when it was cooler and shadier and i brought a spray botttle with a little fan on the top. i sat on a towel in the grass and kept an eye on my cat and watched tiktoks until my phone died, so i switched to playing with the grass and making grass chains that kept falling apart. i spent so much time outside that my mom got mad at me for not responding to her calling for my help inside. at some point i could hear the neighbor kids playing hide and seek in their backyard. im always afraid that they think i’m spying on them, since i face their house because thats the side of the yard my cat likes to hang out in. thankfully theres a big minibarn in the way, so if im sitting in the grass i cant see any of their backyard. 

i was hungry and wanted potato slices, and then i remembered that we owned an apple peeler/slicer/corer combo thing and i thought it would be cool to try using that instead of cutting the slices by hand. the peeler part had too strong a spring, so it dug into the potato so i just moved it back lol. it worked really well other than that. i sliced it, put it in a pan with some oil, and then tried cutting up an apple with the thing, but the spikes that hold it in place just bore a hole into the center instead of pushing it into the blade, so i just cut it buy hand perpendicular to how you normally cut apples. i thought it would be a fun idea to try and bake one of the slices, so i put it in a pan with a little pad of butter longside the potato in the oven, flipping both ever so often while watching youtube in the kithen. i added a little brown sugar to the apple slice. the potatoe turned out good, its hard to mess up lol. but the apple tasted like ass. the butter i used was salted, and the apple was sweet instead of tart, so i just threw it away. im glad i only used one of the slices instead of like 3 like i had origionally planned. i think if i used unsalted butter and a granny smith it would turn out ok, but i dont think im going to try it again lol.

i took a couple driving practice tests in the morning, but i got frustrated that i didnt know stuff and gave up. i promised myself that i would try again later today, but i kept procrastinating whoops. its 2 am but i might give it a shot. i have to practice a lot tomorrow, because if i dont pass i probably wont get to take it again for like a month because all the bmvs are so busy and only taking appointments. 

i was scrollling through tiktok and found an audio i thought was funny and would fit one of my ocs so i did a really rough sketch animatic that i’ll eventually clean up. i would add it to the post but im on my laptop right now because my phone died and my sister borrowed my charger :/ i’ll add it in the morning if i remember. yall are going to make fun of my for having a teeth kink or something tho because thats the only part of the sketches i put any effort into (pensive face emoji  😔) (idk if that worked i just copid and pasted it lmao) 

i dont acually know much about my friend’s oc (Osimiri/Osi) that i’m shipping with my oc (Valka) other than she’s kinda grumpy so i scrolled back through our texts to see if she gave me a ref or any character description and i found a bunch of her cute art of GillFauns (thats thier ship name because Osi is a siren (gill) and valka is a goatfolk/tirfling so she has hooves (faun (even tho she’sa goat not a deer shhh))) and now im re-obsessed with them omg <3 and i also realized that i have no idea if i’m drawing her correctly/ how my friend intended her to be interprited. our art styles are SO different, and with hers i have to just guesstimate what she means with her character designs. (tbh she’s not that good at art but i still love her drawings because she’s so passionate about it and i love some of her ocs) but because of a combo of her art not being that detailed and me just drawing from memebery and not knowing the character that well, i have no idea if i’m taking too many liberties and stealing the character away from her. although on the other hand she doesnt really actively use that oc. she was meant to be a dnd oc, but idk if she ever actually went to ANY of the meetings. if she did, it was before marching band ended and i was able to join dnd club. 

anyway sorry this post is so long, i fing it easier to ramble and get my thoughts down when im on a keyboard than on my phone typng is much faster and a lot of fun so i always type more lol. but uhhhh its 2 am and i want to take a driver’s test or two before i go to bed, and get to sleep at a decent-ish time. 

July 9th 2018

Tumblrrrrr :D It's me. Your fav. I'm so good. Yes. So good. My life is incredibly full and I'm a full ass person and it's cool. I'm not going to lie though, I haven't put myself in a position for disappointment for a while. Not since Vince. I wasn't sure if I would. I'm not sure if I want to. And obviously Vince was a whole lot more than disappointment. But! Similar. Heartbreak is just like, exaggerated disappointment. You feel loss? Waste? Sadness? It's interesting, I think. I've only been truly heartbroken twice in my life. Lmao I did not set out to write about this but I guess we're going to. Um. And both of those times I think that I almost enjoyed it in a strange way. I remember after Vince just dipped tf out I was so completely broken that the whole world seemed different. I was watching it happen, but not living in it. I wasn't present for shit. It was like a quasi-death. A part of me died and was watching the rest of me function and be a person, but in reality? I was not a full person. I was half a person, half watching things happen, half experiencing things. And then!!! There were moments when suddenly that part of me re-entered my body?? My soul?? And the colors were bright again. Brighter than they ever had been. The most beautiful moments I have ever known. It was very similar with Austin but the difference was that I was not present for a lot longer after him. I dipped out for a solid two years after Austin. Well. Until I met Vince. And that was not good. I was not good. Somehow I have learned how to fix myself. I learned how to escape the lie and keep myself present. It's neat. 3 months? It only took 3 months. I can do anything for three months. So. What is heartbreak to me now? What is the risk? What is the sadness, really? I thought my love died to him, I thought he had won, beat me. He had swung his sword enough, finally slayed me. But I was wrong af. I have never been happier and healthier than I am now. Last night was fun. It was a good time. Yesterday was incredible. My song did well for its first day. I got a lot more listens than I did on any of my others when I first released them. And chocolate texted me about it :) I'm not sure how interested in pursuing that I am at this point. It was fun writing the song and the lyrics are fun but in reality? I'm really leaning more towards the "no" side at this point. I was in a different situation when I wrote that, when I met him. And he's fun and I don't doubt that it would be fun. I do hope to see him again before I can't again. But. There's no sure things about what will happen. I like things to develop kinda naturally and smoothly. I don't wanna force anything. Just cuz I write a song about sucking some dude's dick, doesn't mean I necessarily will. And I actually had a lot of other people text me about it too!!! All good things!!! No bad feedback on this one. Genuinely I am shocked. I got soooo much shit for my other songs. Like. So much. And some of it was dumb shit, like this kid from my youth group left a comment on one of my songs and it was about how one of my lyrics was "wrong" but it just went over his head a bit. And so now I kinda laugh about it, but I'm so hungry for every single person's praise and love that at the time it was hurtful!! I was like??? Wtf. Why did you feel the need to say that on my soundcloud? I see you every week you weirdo? I could've explained the lyric to you, and then neither of us look bad. Could've saved both of us embarrassment. But no. You just had to go and do that. Idiot. "Idiot" is one of my favorite things to say now. Just how Dwight says it in the office. Dwight is the cutest. He's my fav. We're similar, I think. Obviously he is a character, and in many ways, I am too, just not as violent, perhaps. Haha. But driven and excitable and unsure and sensitive. I am easily messed with. Idk. People tell me I'm like Dwight. Who tf knows. Anyway. So yes, my song release was a success. And my picture didn't get taken down from insta! Which is awesome. I like it a lot. I look hella fine. I always look fine tho. Let's be real. Umm and then the rest of my day was very nice too :) Significantly better than expected for sure. Not that I exactly thought it wouldn't be good. I knew, to some extent, as I usually do with these things. But. 11 hours is a long time to spend with someone. I don't do that often. If ever? Have I ever? 11 hours. I think the last time I did that was when I went to Bandon with Scott. When I was 16. Woah. That's crazy to think about. I mean, I guess it's not super normal. People don't do that. They should though, maybe. It's fun. It's nice. I'm not sure how much I should say. I like to talk/write about things, in depth. However, that isn't always smart. Not always a good idea. Sometimes, it's a good idea to keep your feelings all up inside of you. And it's about 50/50 with my judgement calls on these sorts of things. Like Chocolate? I was concerned that might be a bit much, and it turned out fine. Better than fine. The response was good. But like when I wrote about shit with Zach I did not expect such an aggressively upset response. So. Wtf do I know, really? Ok. So. Here's the thing. I'll just say this. And it's going to be difficult and upsetting for me not to say a whole lot more. But I'm not going to. I have a lot of thoughts, and a lot of things going on inside of my head. And I'm not sure if I'm putting myself in a good situation, I'm not sure if I trust the situation. And yet, as I tend to do, I will trust the situation and let the things happen to me and see what happens. End of story. Also!!! I started writing another song today!!! That's exciting. I've never jumped into a new one so soon after I released one. I'm happy with how this one is going too. I have a chorus and the first verse. Kinda pounded that shit out in about ten minutes. I was inspired. I think I'm going to call it Bury, Bloom. Some of you, well, like two of my readers may know what I'm referencing there. Lmao. I don't tend to write things to or for or about people that I know they will never read/listen to. But I believe this is one of those times. She won't ever see this or hear this. Unless things change dramatically. But I'm a pussy and so they won't. Oh well. Here's a thing that I have been thinking about; I think that identifying the line of events in life is really important. I wrote a little bit about this a few months ago but I haven't really been able to get it out of my head. I think this might connect to the meaning thing. And maybe that is why my subconscious (?) is telling me it is important. I'm having to start with myself. From the beginning. This thing led to this thing and then this and that, so on and so forth until every passing second. Endlessly. Until I die. Um. But it's like, every single person, every single thing, every single thought, has influenced my actions which create who I am today. Similarly, I have had a part in creating a part of everything around me, things that are inconceivable to me. Actions I have taken, actions I have not, all of it. Indecision is decision in itself. Stagnation is an action. How does it tie into meaning? I don't know. I gotta think about that. The machine. The machine though! I'm a part in the machine and the machine would function differently if I functioned differently. Ok. Ok. So if the machine can, certainly can, function differently and "produce" different things, then it must!!! It must be producing for a reason. Why though? What reason? What is the production for? I've been thinking about the refrigerator thing a lot too. That little gift of a metaphor that Benadryl gave me. So. Here's how I see it, right? The multiverse exists. Right? Almost definitely. There is a "universe", a time, in which matter doesn't exist. Matter, energy, none of it exists. There is no refrigerator at all. It isn't even about whether someone is using it or watching it or appreciating it, it simply isn't there. And you have to think of it this way, perhaps: A home, a universe, in which a fridge never existed would not miss the fridge because it does not know the fridge. But! If a home that already had a fridge all of a sudden did not have one, there would be a noticeable difference. If! Time were different, if TimeTM were to suddenly break, as we know it to be, the machine could cease. SO! Since the machine exists at all, and there is a lack of machines as well, the machine existing in the first place must mean something. It must have purpose. It has to. Because otherwise it just wouldn't exist. Why though. That's the thing. I can't outrun all the "why though"s. It's endless with these sorts of things and I could throw it right back but I don't like to argue like that. Why though? Is a valid question, and I would like to know. So you know what?? I will take your why though and turn it into a solid answer. I've progressed quite a bit over just the last few weeks even. Hm. Maybe if I can tie the two things I just talked about together that might get me even further. Fuck Kant. He can't kill philosophy for me. I'll know the shit you glorified con man. Nice job killing the conversation, you garbage person. I like most philosophers, no lie. But Kant? Socrates? Assholes. No good. Not worth their salt. That's what I say. Plato?? Wayy better than Socrates. 100%. Socrates can suck me. Anyway. I'll get really upset if I keep writing about Socrates. Lord knows. Tumblr. Thank you for giving me a place to put my ramblings :) y'all are wonderful. I know a lot of people only follow me for my selfies cuz they're a little slutty and sexual like 90% of the time, but I don't really care. Maybe the reason doesn't matter as much as the existence of it at all :p lol. Look at that. Life is cool. I love being alive. It's funny because I've been thinking recently I might die. Because that would be so ironic. I think that would be a little funny. Not in a "haha she died" sorta way but it's like, I have always wanted to die. Since the moment I was old enough to have real feelings. 13? Probably. I have seriously considered suicide for years and years and years. I've felt dead, at least in part, a majority of my quasi-adult life. And now I do not. For the first time ever. For the first time I am excited to wake up, I'm excited to think, I'm excited to be me. I'm excited for my future. I think it'd be really ironic if I died rn. Like the kind of irony that I would wanna write about. I think if I were about to die right now I'd be really disappointed I couldn't write a poem about it. I'd be a mad ghost. Someone better write about the irony of my death if I die. Ya know?? Ok. I haveee to try to sleep. Again, thanks for listening Tumblr. Hopefully I will be able to write more specifically about many things, soonish. Goodnight, until next time :D