“maybe there’s something you’re afraid to say, or you’re afraid to love, or somewhere you’re afraid to go. it’s gonna hurt. it’s gonna hurt because it matters.”
a sample of one of the pages from the book i’m writing! it’s a children’s picture book (ages 3 to 7), which will constitute of a mix between dr Seuss and Beatrix Potter. it’s called Cardamom Can’t Bake!
If the world is a book and God is the author my mess of a life suddenly makes so much more sense.
I'm the best friend character set to die tragically in chapter 5 only to somehow make it out barely alive, with 5 new mental illnesses and a badass style change.
Honestly, I'm thinking 24/7 about that new character from my book that was based off of Achilles, the character who was raised to be a king, and a hero, and a general, who believed he was entitled —destined— to become it all. And he believed that so deeply, he believed on the fairness and righteousness of it so much he became blind by everything else out of the desire to make the world a better place.
Also thinking about how he had so much faith in everyone around him, how deeply he cared about everyone he called family, how much he wanted to give those people, only to learn —right after his lover died (and yes, he's loosely based off of Patroclus)— that they were fighting alongside him for their own selfish interests, not because they believed in him.
I'm thinking about how hard he fought his own demons to be deserving of the throne he thought he was destined to inherit, how many personal demons he had to overcome to be what he thought his people needed, how deeply he believed he alone could make the world better — and how wrong he was about that. I'm thinking of the moment he realizes that, after everyone betrays him and his lover dies.
And I'm thinking about the maddening rage he will unleash on the world, how he'll burn and destroy out of spite, how he'll kill and slaughter just because he can, how he'll destroy everything he was because he lost everything and therefore, everyone else should loose it too.
I'm thinking about him slowly descending into madness, him isolating so much in his own head nothing matters so he might as well do whatever the fuck he wants. And he wants to inflict pain upon everyone because he wants people —the very people he fought so hard for— to learn the pain of his sacrifices and understand what it cost him.