#and throughout the whole series he promises to change things from how they have been for hundreds of years | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

atlabeth · 10 months

Text

(not so) simple pt3 - anthony bridgerton

pt1 pt2 pt4

summary: coercing lord bridgerton into pretending to court you to avoid the affections of a baron is very simple — that is, until it isn’t.

a/n: so first of all let me apologize for how long it took for this to come out. literally nine months. a whole baby has passed. i lost my bridgerton inspo HARD but like i always want anthony bridgerton even if it's deep within me and that just came through today as i finally pushed through and finished it. hopefully you guys still care about this series because i sure do and the end is in sight, like i literally have most of it written i just have to do the in between parts and connect it all and this horrible wonderful terrible amazing mini series that has killed me will be done. anyways here she is and i hope you enjoy!!

wc: 9.7k

warning(s): historical inaccuracies, fluff, angst, a lil bit of violence/injuries, a cliffhanger that will make you want to kill me. yn is going kind of crazy because she's never felt pleasant emotions before

The next month was akin to a blur. With each day your mother grew more and more excited about your courtship with Anthony, so much so she’d even begun knitting a blanket as a wedding gift to the Bridgertons.

(When she’d first told you about it over dinner, you’d nearly choked. You were beginning to dread telling her the truth more than you dreaded your fake courtship).

That, perhaps, was beginning to become a lie. Dread was not the proper word for how you felt about your courtship.

It was still strange, knowing that everyone around you believed you and Anthony were to be married. Though your secret was still one well-kept, you could hardly contain yourself whenever you overheard snide remarks with you at the center—it seemed they had still not gotten over the fact that their precious opportunity at becoming a Bridgerton had been stolen by you. Perhaps their daughters would get their chance in the next season, once you and Anthony had broken things off.

But that was not enough to hold his image in the same sour view as before.

Anthony was irritating as ever, yes, and but he was no longer the mere rake, the sarcastic older brother who firmly believed you were running out of time, the womanizer Lady Whistledown painted him as.

At least, you did not see him as such. He certainly did not act that way around you anymore.

Anthony Bridgerton was lighter around you—he smiled more, laughed more, joked around with you in a way that Benedict told you he hadn’t seen in years. And of course, he was only able to tell you that because Anthony brought you along on outings with his family.

The Worthings had always been friendly throughout the years with the Bridgertons, especially because of your closeness with Eloise and, more so when you were younger and before her debut, Daphne. You were fond of the rest of the family as well, Benedict and Colin looking on you fondly as that of an annoying younger sister much like Eloise—you were happy to fill the role. Francesca was pleasant when she wasn’t off traveling, and Gregory and Hyacinth were always a delight. Hyacinth seemed more attached to you because of the courtship, and truly looked forward to welcoming you as a sister.

Anthony had always been the older brother that foiled your fun with Eloise, that urged you to take your role more seriously if for no other reason than to influence Eloise down the path as well.

Now you felt closer than ever to him, and though it was merely for your ruse, you couldn’t help but enjoy it.

Stranger yet, though, was how your image of Anthony had changed since that first dance the night you agreed to this ruse. When at first you could only stand his company because of the promise of continuous jabs and protection from suitors, you now found that you actually… enjoyed being around him. You recalled the night out in the Bridgerton gardens with Anthony far more than you should have.

He certainly had no right to keep you awake at such late hours the way he did.

You no longer despaired early wakings to promenade with him, no longer wrinkled your nose at the prospect of dancing with him. Though you still dreaded the glitz and the glamour of the ton all the same, Anthony himself did not spurn the same response.

Of that, you did not know exactly what to think, but you supposed the absence of misery was something to celebrate.

You and the viscount were becoming friends. You enjoyed his presence. You began to look forward to your next outing with him, time spent with him outweighing your dislike of early wakings.

You were a frequent visitor of Bridgerton family outings because of your friendship with Eloise, and you only found yourself more involved with their picnics and promenades through Anthony.

Invitations found their way to your doorstep far more often because of the Bridgerton name attached to yours, and you found you enjoyed them more on Anthony’s arm.

You attended operas together in their private box. He frequently called on you, leading to conversations in your drawing room and promenades all about. You dined with them at least once a week, always sitting next to Anthony and whispering things to each other throughout.

In addition to the time you spent with Eloise, your proximity to the Bridgertons, especially Anthony, was near constant.

And you enjoyed every moment of it.

Truly, there was something very wrong with you.

But perhaps the strangest of all was your newfound fame. If there were ever any hope of keeping your ruse even the slightest bit secret, it was crushed by virtue of Lady Whistledown, who aided you with your most fantastical feat yet—you were mentioned by name in every single edition she’d published since the night you and Anthony partook in your first dance together. The ton knew you well now, far too well, and even when you were not around the viscount you were attuned to the glances and whispers of gossips.

You found it interesting how easily you had become a source of intrigue, simply because it looked as if you were the object of Anthony’s affections—but you also found it largely annoying. You did not much like the attention.

Running off to the country sounded better and better with every passing day.

“I swear,” you muttered as you went through the stack of pamphlets, “news of our relationship makes up half of Whistledown’s repertoire these days. Truly, we should get a cut of her wages for providing so much material for her.”

Anthony’s lips quirked up in a smile. The two of you were sat in your drawing room, chaperoned as usual by Julia, a stack containing each edition of Lady Whistledown during the length of the season set between the two of you. It was past the traditional hours of a caller, but the “advancement” of your “relationship” allowed Anthony leeway. He had brought with him yet another pamphlet of Lady Whistledown, which Eloise had confronted him with after getting her hands on it.

“We do seem to be quite popular,” he agreed. “But at least that will make it easier for the news of our parting to spread.”

“I just wish she did not make it so dramatic,” you huffed, and you picked up the most recent edition that Anthony had brought. You brought up the pitch of your voice and made your accent as haughty as possible as you read the printed words:

“The mystery that is the Viscount Bridgerton and Miss Worthing continues to unravel. The two were sighted together in a box at the newly redecorated Adelphi Theatre, admiring the opening night of Rossini’s Tancredi. I begrudgingly commend them on the taste in opera; I too, am a fan of Voltaire. One can only wonder the sort of activity they commenced in with their privacy.”

Anthony allowed himself a laugh as you shook your head and let out a sigh. “It’s ridiculous. She makes it sound as if we are engaging in the most scandalous behavior there is, when we were merely watching the opera! The only activity we commenced in was discussion.” You set the pamphlet down on the table with a huff. “It was quite intellectual discussion, if I do say so myself.”

“Certainly,” he said with a nod, and he smiled wryly. “Are you saying you are not a fan of all this attention, though? Surely it is your dream for every member of the ton to know of you and your exploits.”

“I am certainly not—” you began, but your attention was drawn to the doors as your mother walked inside.

“Lord Bridgerton!” she exclaimed as a smile tugged at her lips. Though your mother looked happy, you saw through the practiced expression—she held a letter in her hands, turning it over and over as if to calm nervous energy. “How lovely to see you here.”

“It is just as lovely to see you, Lady Worthing,” Anthony greeted, the charm flowing effortlessly through his words. “And may I just say how effervescent you look, even at this late hour?”

Your mother smiled. “You know exactly what to say to get yourself out of trouble, don’t you?”

“It is a virtue,” Anthony joked, and when he stood up you did as well. “I apologize if I have overstayed my welcome—I simply enjoy your daughter’s presence far too much. She is a sure credit to your family.”

“Oh, it is of no mind,” she said, brushing her hand through the air. “I always enjoy having the Bridgertons over. You are no exception.”

“You flatter me so, Lady Worthing, but I must insist I take my leave.” He bowed to her and then turned to you, taking your hand in his and pressing a delicate kiss to the back of your palm. “I bid you a good night, my lady.”

You suppressed the flutter in your chest at his touch. Your hands were typically gloved whenever you held hands during dances or promenades, but not at this hour. His lips against your bare skin made your breath catch for a moment, even for such a slight occurrence.

“I can escort you to the door,” you said, smiling through the uncertainty in your chest.

Anthony nodded, a small smile on his lips as well. “I welcome your company, my lady.”

Anthony offered his arm and you took it, and you could sense the excitement from your mother even from afar.

“Do not stay out too long, you two!” she called with a grin as you strolled out the door, and you had to stifle your laugh.

“You are going to be the death of me, Miss Worthing,” Anthony murmured in your ear as you walked out, his breath tickling your skin.

“Not if you get to me first,” you countered.

“I think the opposite is far more likely,” he said.

“How so?” you said, feigning disbelief. “You are the one keeping me up past natural hours with your presence. You are the one dragging me with you into Whistledown infamy.”

“But you are the one who got me into this in the first place.” Anthony glanced at you. “Quite the predicament, I might say.”

“Oh, do not act as if you are not enjoying it by now,” you said. “We are friends at this point, yes?”

A small smile quirked on his lips. “I suppose so.”

Again, that warmth in your chest. If Anthony knew, he would surely understand that he was far more likely to be your undoing than the other way around.

You reached the doors, and when you opened one and peeked outside, there was a notable absence of a carriage.

“My deepest apologies Viscount Bridgerton.” You turned around to see your head maid hurrying across the floor, slightly out of breath. “There has been a miscommunication between our two estates—your carriage will arrive, but it will be delayed. It should not be too long a wait, albeit, but—”

“It is of no worry,” Anthony interrupted, bowing his head. “I thank you for your dedication. Please, enjoy the rest of your night.”

She looked to you for confirmation and you nodded. “Thank you, Emma. You can retire for the night.”

She smiled gratefully. “I appreciate your kindness, my lady. It shall be here soon.”

You let go of Anthony’s arm as she began walking to the servant’s quarters and you pushed the door open again.

“What are you doing?” he asked.

“We have time to waste,” you said, looking back at him mischievously. “Do you trust me?”

“…You make it seem as if I shouldn’t,” Anthony said.

“Oh, relax. We have some time to ourselves and a night sky above us. Surely you can indulge me once.”

“I believe I have indulged you far more than once,” Anthony said, but he followed you anyway. He planted his hand against the door, taking the weight off of yours, and for some reason even that act made you take a deep breath.

Thank God for the cool air, you thought hastily as you stepped outside, because your cheeks were burning for no good reason.

“I apologize on Emma’s behalf for the delay,” you said, thankful that he was following slightly behind you. “The Worthing estate has been in a state of disarray lately. I try to help around, but my mother insists it’s not my place.”

“I already said it was a nonissue,” Anthony said, and you bit your lip as he took a step closer and put you on equal ground. You’d no idea what was wrong with you.

“And I thank you for your continued grace, but I still feel as if I must apologize anyway,” you said. “You likely know of our… monetary issues.”

His brows knit together. “Of course, but that means nothing. Of your status, I mean.”

You smiled a bit. “To you, perhaps. But my mother is so ashamed of our lack of staff, she hardly ever has her friends over for tea anymore. We’ve never been able to afford much, but we had to let many of our staff go over the past summer.”

“It is noticeable. You’ve no doormen, few maids and servants,” Anthony said. “But it shouldn’t matter to any true gentleman.”

“I suppose that makes you a true gentleman, doesn’t it?” you said playfully.

Anthony chuckled. “After all the years my mother has spent trying to turn me into one, she would certainly hope so.”

“That is why this is all such a problem.” You glanced at him. “Why my mother is so delighted of our courtship. She believes you will be my— our entire family’s— saving grace upon marriage.”

“Quite the burden upon us,” he said dryly, though his words did not hold the usual humor. There was a certain solemnity about him.

“Indeed.” You sighed. “Our ruse frees me from the hand of other men for this season, but there is still the problem of… of what awaits.” You wrapped your arms around yourself, the night chill beginning to get to you along with something else. “I am certain I will think of a plan eventually, but still I worry more each day of what I will do when it is all over.”

Anthony didn’t say anything, and you didn’t fill the silence though you felt his gaze upon you. Suddenly, though, you felt the heaviness of fabric over your arms.

Anthony’s jacket, you realized when you looked at him. Your lips parted, words stuck in your throat, but he didn’t give you the chance to get them out.

“You were cold,” he shrugged, answering your question before you could ask it. “It would be unfathomably rude to force my dearest betrothed to freeze.”

“You noticed,” you said.

“Always,” Anthony said.

You care.

You could not help but stare at him, if not just for a moment, because— because God, the man was beautiful. There lay no use in denying it. There was a reason that, despite being the ton’s most infamous rake, he was still so desired by countless ladies.

His eyes almost as dark as the night around you holding a kindness he didn’t share with many, his white undershirt with slightly-rolled sleeves in stark contrast to it all, the curve of his jaw and the slope of his nose and the barest coif of his chestnut hair.

He was beautiful, and he was the one thing you could not have.

“Miss Worthing?”

Which did not matter, because you did not want him.

“My apologies.” You blinked and cleared your throat, Anthony breaking you out of your spell, and you gestured with your head as you continued along your way. Heat burned inside of you, all the way from the tips of your ears to the soles of your feet, and you could hardly stand it.

“You seem… distracted,” he said.

That was one way to describe it.

“Apologies,” you repeated with the slightest of smiles. “I’m merely… in my head, is all.”

This was all fake. You had to remember that, even if you had to bash it into your head for it to stick. The charm practically oozed off of him, and though you’d been near immune to it when you were able to despise Anthony, it was much more difficult not to fall victim to it now that you considered each other… friends.

You are a lady, and he is a gentleman, you could picture your mother saying. It is nature’s oldest tale. There is no shame in it.

He is my brother, and you hate him, you heard Eloise scoffing in the same vein. The thought made you smile.

“Where are you taking me, Miss Worthing?” Anthony’s coy voice brought you out of your stupor once again, and you blinked.

As you looked around, you realized you’d already made it there. You turned to Anthony with a smile, your hands out as you gestured at the open field of grass behind your estate.

“Isn’t it obvious?” you asked. “I’ve brought you here to stargaze.”

“Stargazing,” he repeated, and he laughed a bit. “I’ve never…”

“You’ve never stargazed?” you finished, and he nodded. “It makes sense. A serious viscount such as yourself cannot be bothered with such frivolities.”

Anthony shrugged. “If you enjoy it, I would love to try.”

“It isn’t something you try so much as you just do,” you said as you sat down on the ground. You smoothed out your skirts and then looked up at Anthony, amused by the expression on his face.

“It’s alright, my lord,” you said. “I promise, the grass will not hurt you. My maids have worked out many a stain in my youth, so I assure you that will be alright as well.”

“I have a carriage coming,” he said.

“They can wait,” you said. “Can they not?”

He hesitated for a moment, and then his lips quirked into the slightest smile as he took a seat next to you. You took his hand, ignoring the skip of your heart, and you pulled him back so you were both lying down.

“How do you feel?” you asked. “Have you fallen ill yet?”

“Very funny,” Anthony said wryly. “I am just fine. Your worries are much appreciated.”

“I would never worry about the great Viscount Bridgerton,” you said haughtily. “He has everything handled at all times.”

“Hardly,” he countered, and he let out a sigh. “Lately it seems as if I’ve got nothing handled at all.”

You made a noncommittal noise. “Then you are quite the actor, my lord. You’re very good at looking perfect.”

“You think I look perfect?”

You turned your head to see Anthony looked at you, a sly smile on his lips, and though your rolled your eyes you could not hold back your amusement.

“Yes, Viscount Bridgerton,” you said playfully. “Quite perfect.”

“It is good to know that my betrothed no longer hates me.” Anthony allowed one of his hands to rest in the grass, and you could feel his eyes on you.

“Oh, we are not betrothed yet,” you said offhandedly. “The way my mother acts, though, you would certainly think so.”

“Well, then,” Anthony said, “would you further prove your devotion by showing me some of your constellations?”

You chuckled. “Of course.”

Your gaze turned to the sky, squinting slightly as you searched for your favorite. When you did, you made a sound of triumph and you sat up on your elbows. “There— do you see those?

He frowned as he pushed himself up as well, and in his focus he unconsciously leaned closer to you. “I do not see anything,” Anthony said, and you laughed.

“Right…” you shifted closer to him, and you took his hand in yours as you held it up to the sky. “There.” You traced the outline with his finger, and you glanced at him. “Do you see it now?”

“I do, but…” Anthony’s lips twitched into a smile for a moment. “It is just… lines. A triangle with lines.”

You laughed, full and bright. “It is, that much is true. But it is the constellation of Libra, in relation to astrology.”

“I did not know you were educated on astrology.”

“Oh, I am certainly not,” you said. “But it is the sign of my mother’s birth month, and it was the first constellation she taught me to find. Now, it is always the first one I seek out on nights such as these.”

His eyebrows rose ever so slightly. “You used to stargaze with your mother?”

You hadn’t truly realized the implications of what you’d said until his words, and you paused for a moment before you took your hand away from his and laid back down.

“It is alright if you do not want to talk about it,” Anthony said softly.

“It is not that,” you said, and you sighed. “It is just… that the relationship I have with my mother is a complicated one.”

You felt Anthony’s eyes on you still, and you bit your lip.

“I have always felt so small whenever I look to the stars,” you murmured. “I think it is part of the reason I still do it— for the perspective. To remind myself of how minuscule I am in the broad scheme of things.”

“I… think I feel the opposite, funnily enough,” Anthony said. “I do not stargaze, obviously, but I have always viewed an individual’s contribution as meaning far more than I can even imagine. Each and every person who has walked through my life has made some sort of impact— you have been, and still are, one of those.” He looked over at you with a surprisingly earnest expression. “You are certainly not minuscule. Not by any sort of margin.”

You found your cheeks heating up from his words, and you could not hold back your smile. “Why, Lord Bridgerton, that was quite a compliment. Are you sure you are feeling well?”

“I feel wonderful,” he said, his eyes still not leaving yours. You felt your cheeks heat and you had to look away.

“I know my mother only wants what is best for me. She pushes me so because there is no other choice, and she truly believes that it will just… click for me someday.” You pulled Anthony’s jacket tighter around your arms, but it was of no aid when the chills came from within. “And I feel as if I am failing my entire family by not being able to accept it.”

“I understand what it is like to have the weight of your bloodline on your shoulders,” Anthony said after a moment’s hesitation. “It is my job to ensure that my family stays afloat, that our finances are handled, that my siblings are provided for, that everything runs smoothly without a hitch. It is…” he huffed a small laugh. “It is overwhelming, I cannot lie. But it is my responsibility as the head of house, and so I take it on.”

“You are saying that I should pursue a real courtship,” you said dryly.

“That is not what I am saying,” Anthony countered with a glance at you. “You were correct when you said that I could leave at any time if I so desired. I do not, but if I wanted to, I could. I am pushed on through even the most difficult moments because of my love for my family. Everything I do is for them.”

“I still am not following.”

“If you want to be happy, then you must find your motivations,” Anthony finally said, “and you must follow where they lead you. No matter where that is.”

“So you are supporting my ill-advised rebellion.” You sat up, looking down at him with the beginnings of a smile. “Is that it?”

“I thought that quite obvious the moment I agreed to this ruse,” he responded wryly. “You are a bad influence, Miss Worthing. I am a man of honor.”

“Of course.” Your words were laced with mock austerity, and you sighed. “I just do not understand why I was born the sole daughter of a struggling family. It seems a cruel joke when there is none I despise more than marriage.”

“We are quite similar, you know,” Anthony said offhandedly. “We both have the fate of our families on our shoulders, and we both know what we must do for our name. It should be woefully easy, but… it isn’t.”

You shook your head. “We are not similar, my lord. Perhaps in structure, but not in much else.”

He raised his eyebrows, silently urging you to go forward.

“You are a man,” you said simply, “and you have everything because of it. You can have whatever life you please. It is not required of you to marry, though your mother might like it to have an heir from the first son. But I have nothing— I am nothing— without a man. The life that I so desperately want is one that I will never be able to have, not without giving up everything I hold dear.”

You swallowed thickly in your throat, turning away from Anthony to not give him a view of your imminent tears. “I either have to marry a man I will never love or abandon my family and become a disgrace, but I do not want either. It is as Eloise has always said — I just want so desperately to fly. Unfortunately, my wings are doomed to be clipped.”

“Miss Worthing…” Anthony started, but he trailed off just as quickly. He could not seem to find the right words to quell your worries, and it infuriated him beyond any sort of reason. He did not have a way with words like Eloise, he did not have the effortless charm of Colin nor the presence of Benedict, and he most certainly was not able to comfort others like Daphne — and yet the need to fix problems he himself was incapable of fixing washed over him so suddenly and so intensely he could hardly bear it.

“I am truly sorry.” It took him far too long to break the silence that hung in the air, only punctured once by your sharp intake of breath in an attempt to hold back tears. “I wish there was more I could do for you. There should be more I could do for you as a viscount, but…”

Sure that you would be able to hold back any tears should they decide to pester you once more, you turned to face Anthony with what you hoped was a convincing smile. “You need not apologize, my lord. You have already done far more for me than any rational man should have in your position.”

“One could argue it is because of you I’ve done all this,” he said. “You have a way about you that makes a rational man want nothing more than irrationality.”

That brought a genuine smile to your face, thankfully able to avoid the tears you thought were sure to come.

“You flatter me, Lord Bridgerton,” you said wryly.

“Anthony,” he said, and you blinked.

“Pardon?”

“I believe we are far past Lord Bridgerton,” he explained with a slight smile. “What, with how many times you have bared your soul to me this season, I should think Anthony is perfectly acceptable.”

You felt your cheeks heat up under his warm gaze as you nodded. “Then Anthony it shall be.”

Trying to recover from the embarrassingly soft moment, you cleared your throat and turned away once more. “Of course, your permission is not needed to refer to you as your name rather than a title, but I suppose it cannot hurt.”

This time, the smile was nearly palpable in his words. “Of course, Miss Worthing.”

You shook your head as you said your name. “If I am to call you Anthony, you shall call me by my given name as well. It is only fair.”

He raised his eyebrows. “When has fairness ever been a concern of yours in regards to me?”

“Anthony,” you said, though not without slight mirth, “will you do it?”

“If it is what you desire.” Anthony then said your name, and you could not deny how your chest spurned in such a way at the sound.

There was so much you yearned to say, so much on the tip of your tongue, nearly all of it relating to the man in front of you. How could there be so much of him on your mind, when just a mere fortnight ago you were joking with him about how much you could not stand him?

After ensuring none of your inner emotions were visible on your face, you turned back to him and offered a small smile. “It certainly is.”

But as he smiled back at you, that slight quirk of his lips that softened his features and brought out the light in his eyes that you had grown to appreciate but he did not have nearly enough…

You feared you were beginning to desire much more.

You looked at the sky above, and the stars twinkling back at you suddenly made you remember as you turned back to Anthony.

“We should get back,” you said. “It would be woefully inappropriate for a man of honor to miss his carriage.”

His lips twitched at your words. “You end our outing so soon?”

“You were against it in the first place,” you pointed out. “And I believe this has lasted far longer than I initially planned.”

“I was also against your ruse,” Anthony said, and when he stood up, he offered his hand. “But you seem to be quite skilled at changing my mind.”

It was so different from all the others, when he offered his arm for a promenade or took you to the dance floor, and it was why you hesitated. But you pushed the thought aside as you took it, and Anthony pulled you up from the ground.

“I suppose I am,” you joked.

“Thank you for this.” He brushed off his clothes, a smile as genuine as the others pulling at his lips. “It was enjoyable.”

“Just enjoyable?” you asked playfully.

“My apologies,” Anthony said. “This was fantastic. Incredible. Is life-changing satisfactory?”

You nodded, biting back your smile. “I believe so. Nothing with me is anything less than life-changing.”

“That is certain,” he agreed.

Anthony offered his arm and the two of you began walking back to the front of your estate. The silence was comfortable as it lingered in the air, only broken once you stopped in front of the carriage that he was indeed late for.

“I do mean it,” Anthony said, “my thanks for this. Sincerely so.”

“Of course,” you said. “If you ever find you are in need of some stars, my yard is always open.”

His lips quirked into a slight smile. “The stars do not have much meaning without you beside me to give them one.”

You huffed a slight laugh as your gaze turned upwards again. “Well, that is Cassiopeia,” you said with a gesture at the sky, and you managed a wry smile. “Though you will probably just see more lines.”

“If you tell me they are more than lines, then they are more than lines,” Anthony said. “That much, I know.”

You felt the warmth rise to your cheeks, and you curtsied to him. “I will see you tomorrow, Lord Bridgerton.”

“I will see you tomorrow.” Anthony hesitated, gazing into your eyes with abandon. He lifted your hand and pressed a gentle kiss to it, murmuring your name before he let it go.

And then he entered the carriage, though there was some form of reluctance in his movements. You waited until his departure, even longer after until he and his men were nothing but a speck in the distance, and it wasn’t until then that you could breathe freely.

“My lady?”

Your focus was broken at the sound of your lady’s maid’s voice, and you blinked a multitude of times as you turned around.

“Julia,” you said. “What brings you here?”

“You, my lady,” she said with a slight laugh. “You’ve just been… standing out here. Alone. Doing nothing.”

“My apologies,” you said with a practiced smile, though you wrought your hands together. “I appear to be in my head tonight. You needn’t come out here for me.”

“I wanted to make sure you were alright,” Julia said. “Is the viscount gone?”

“He is. I saw him off.” The skin where his lips touched still burned, and you felt a swell of something inside of you. “I— I should be settling in for the night.”

You began walking in at a hasty pace, but Julia easily matched it. “Of course. I will help you get ready.”

You shook your head, and you couldn’t help but cast one last glance out the door before it closed. You cleared your throat and looked back at Julia. “All I request is that you help me into my dressing gown, and then you can retire. I would like some solitude tonight.”

She nodded. “Of course, my lady.”

“Is my mother still awake?” you asked as the two of you walked up the stairs together.

“No,” Julia said. “She retired shortly after you and the viscount took your leave.”

“Good,” you murmured. You did not think you could deal with her much tonight. Not after… whatever it was that went on between you and him.

Julia did as asked, helping you out of your layers and into your nightgown before she took her leave.

Lying in bed alone, you found yourself staring at the ceiling, unable to fall asleep.

All you could think of was Anthony. His eyes boring into yours, the heat of his lips against your bare hand, his willingness to do something he likely saw as ridiculous merely because it made you happy. The weight of his jacket against your shoulders, the attentiveness he had towards you for him to have realized.

The softness with which he said your name, every syllable a symphony in your ears, more beautiful than anything simply because Anthony spoke it.

Oh.

Your heart hammered in your chest as the realization struck.

Oh.

You were doomed.

Split down the middle. It was an apt designation for how you felt in the coming days and weeks.

One part of you—the idiot, lovesick part—wanted nothing but to spend more time with Anthony Bridgerton. A singing heart every time Julia told you he awaited you in the drawing room, weakened knees when he offered his hand to pull you onto the dance floor, an unavoidable smile throughout any of your conversations. You finally realized what all those ladies saw in the Viscount Bridgerton.

The other part—the intelligent part that knew this was the one thing that could absolutely not happen—wanted nothing more than to ignore his every call. To stay silent during promenades, to refuse his dance offers, to stay shut in your room when he called on you. To be able to avoid him in every possible way because you could not encourage your feelings further.

It was terrible. Awful. Horrendous. You were quite sure that you loved Anthony Bridgerton, and the one thing you were meant to do was not love Anthony Bridgerton.

The more time you spent around him, the more you thought about him, the more you felt for him, and there was not a single way to avoid it because his courtship was the only thing keeping you above water.

You really were doomed.

“Are you even listening to me?”

You blinked as Eloise said your name, and you looked over at her. “I apologize. I was in my head.”

“You’ve been in your head quite frequently as of late,” Eloise said, and she huffed a sigh as she flopped onto the couch next to you. “I can only assume my brother is to blame.”

You felt your cheeks heat. If only she knew how true that was.

“He is part of it,” you admitted, turning your head slightly so she could not see any visible embarrassment. “It may not be easy to be a Bridgerton, but it’s by no means easy to be courted by one, either.”

“I can imagine,” she said with another sigh. “For how serious Anthony always is, he certainly is dramatic.” Eloise eyed you. “Would you like me to speak plainly?”

Your brows creased slightly, though you still didn’t look at her. “Always.”

“I honestly think he may be enjoying this,” she said. “Anthony has never been much for… anything, really. Anything besides duty. He’s pleasant around us for the most part, and I love him with all my heart, but he’s always so serious.” She shrugged. “It appears that you’ve brought out another side of him.”

Your breath caught in your chest for a moment. You still could not bring yourself to meet her eyes. “Truly?”

“Truly,” Eloise nodded. “When you end this, I believe he’ll come out the other side a better man. So I suppose I should thank you for this whole ruse.”

A smile played on your lips for a moment, but it fell just as quickly. You’d always known it was going to end—the ruse was your idea in the first place—and yet you were the one fighting against her impossible feelings. You were a damn doomed fool.

You had to fight the urge to hit your head against the back of the couch. You felt as if you were going insane, but you could not reveal the whirlwind inside your mind to anyone.

“There is no need to thank me,” you finally said. “It’s been a pleasure.”

“A pleasure,” Eloise said dryly. “Really?”

You nodded, finally sitting up and looking at her. “Yes. Anthony was a bit of a nuisance at first, but…” you smiled just at the thought of him. “We’ve become friends after all this time. Quite close friends.”

Eloise’s nose wrinkled, and then she sighed yet again. “I suppose it is a good thing if you two are getting along. As long as you will still trade barbs with me about him.”

You chuckled. “Always.”

You couldn’t tell her. You wouldn’t tell her, because there was no use in creating such a problem for no reason.

You loved Anthony, you were sure of that by now, though you had not previously thought it at all possible. And none of it mattered, because by the end of the season, your courtship would be a distant memory.

You and Eloise continued your idle chatter, but your heart was not in it. How could it be, when you could only think of Anthony? You could only think of Anthony, the one man you never thought you would want and now the one man you can never have.

It was ridiculous. He turned you into a ridiculous woman and you would never forgive him for it.

You’d always wondered how you would end your ruse when your mothers had grown so attached to the courtship, the idea of you as a Bridgerton.

Your mothers were no longer the problem.

The middle of the season came and went, your feelings for Anthony growing ever stronger—your disdain for those feelings grew alongside them.

Your parents were working harder than ever as the peak of the season approached—your father spent most nights bent over documents and papers regarding the finances, pushing pennies so that you would be able to afford the frivolities of the ton and appearing on the arm of a Bridgerton.

Your mother had a job of equal difficulty—she had to maintain the Worthing image and name. It had never been the best to begin with as one of the poorer families of the ton, but Anthony’s courtship had pushed you through the ranks. Your mother was determined to keep you there.

The pairing between you and Anthony should have remained the same stagnant charade, but it was difficult to act the same as always with your feelings evolving ever so. It did not help that both your mother and Lady Bridgerton were convinced a proposal was to be just around the corner when nothing could be further from the truth.

And it was not as if they were wrong for holding that belief. Were this a traditional courting, Anthony would likely be preparing to get down on one knee—instead, your promenades consisted of discussions on how best to end your situation.

(“Perhaps you could have a meltdown,” Anthony had suggested once. “It would certainly not come as a surprise to the ton—they would merely see it as what has been coming all along.”

“Your faith in me is truly astounding, Anthony,” you said dryly. “It is sure to be a mystery on how we did not work out.”

He chuckled and shook his head. “I am only trying to work with you. Must I remind you that it was you that started this, all because you did not want to get married? This would simply be an extension—you’ve never wanted to marry a man before, what is one more to add to the list?”

“Yes, but…” you shook your head and sighed. “I fear we may have performed our act too well. At this point, it feels as if any means of our splitting will hurt our mothers and cause a riot in the ton, no matter how we do it.”

“I think you may be right,” Anthony said, and he frowned. “I do not know whether I want Hyacinth to find out you will not be her sister through Whistledown or through me—I know I could not handle the look on her face, but to let her discover it through gossip seems even worse.”

You could not help a sly smile at that. “Are you telling me I have charmed your family even more than I had before?”

He offered a smile of his own. “I believe I have charmed your family just as much, if not more. Your mother adores me more than ever.”)

No, it did not help that your mother adored him, and it did not help that Hyacinth and Gregory adored you. Every second spent around Anthony and his family pushed you further to your doom, and what a lovely doom it was.

Seeing Anthony dressed up at every ball was also not of aid, and you could not help but smile when your eyes met at the latest ball. You knew of your mother’s watchful eye over both of you, but you found you didn’t care when he offered his hand.

“You look beautiful,” Anthony murmured so only you could hear it as he led you out to the dance floor. You took up your positions and started the waltz—you had Anthony to thank for the increase in your skill, for the amount of dancing you did these days made it impossible for your ability to remain stagnant.

You chuckled a bit. “Thank you, Anthony, but nobody can hear us. You do not need to keep up appearances.”

The smile remained on his lips for just a moment too long before he blinked and nodded. “You are correct. I suppose it is just becoming a habit.”

Butterflies erupted in your chest, and in your flustered state, you fell out of the rhythm and missed your next step. If it hadn’t been for Anthony leading so well, you would’ve fallen.

How could he just say those things? How could he just say those frustratingly charming things without blinking an eye, words that made you trip over your feet and spurned warmth in your core and drove you insane?

Did Anthony even know what he did to you?

“Are you alright?” he questioned, and for a moment all you were able to do was stare into his eyes. They were beautiful.

“Yes,” you finally managed, clearing your throat as you glanced away for a moment.

It is just becoming a habit, he said, words that near perfectly echoed your own situation.

Each time you slipped your arm around Anthony’s, each time he was a caller in your drawing room for an early morning—early mornings which you were becoming all the fonder of with each outing—each time he smiled at you in that way of his, each time you looked into those warm brown eyes, each time he was just the slightest bit too close and you were able to feel your heart speed up and your breath hitch.

Being around Anthony Bridgerton was becoming a habit for you, you realized, a habit you did not want to let go of.

You did not realize Anthony was speaking to you until he said your name again and you snapped out of your thoughts, staring at him for a moment before you nodded.

“Apologies,” you covered up, “it seems I am very in my head tonight.”

“It is alright,” he said, smiling softly. “I was merely asking if your outing with your parents the other night went well.”

“Yes,” you breathed, “yes, it was quite pleasant.”

Though you answered, you could still hardly focus. And it was all because of the man you were dancing with, because of the delicate yet sure grip he had on your hands, because of the sweetest eyes you’d ever known gazing at you with reassurance.

You were horribly in love with Anthony Bridgerton, and there was nothing you could do about it.

“…So,” Anthony said as the two of you trailed through the streets, “remind me what you have roped me into?”

“I have not roped you into anything,” you said. “I am taking you to a rally; one for the advancement of women. I believe it would do you some good to see what your myriad of sisters put up with because of men like you.”

“Men like me?” he repeated, having the gall to sound slightly offended.

“Yes, men like you,” you agreed. “Men who do not even question why they are so deserving of their position so high above us, and do not even think to change things because society solely benefits them.”

“Do you ever get tired of your constant bitterness?” he asked dryly.

“No,” you responded cheerfully, “I only get tired of you.”

“Ah,” he said with a nod. “That is why you have not only decided to be my fake courtee for an entire season, but to willingly bring me along on one of your weekend escapades.”

“I put up with you so I will not have to put up with those even more irritating,” you reminded him.

“And that is why you always smile at me with the strength of a thousand suns while we dance?” he asked. “Why you continue to promenade with me and indulge my conversational whims and accept me without complaint as a constant caller?”

You shrugged, and you hoped the heat rushing to your cheeks was not visible. Perhaps he could read you better than you thought. “As I said, it is so I will not have to put up with those more irritating. I have come to appreciate you.”

“Times like these, I wonder if we are truly faking it,” Anthony said. “We already bicker as much as a married couple — perhaps we have somehow skipped the engagement and the wedding and gone right into the arguments.”

“I believe that is simply called friendship, Anthony.”

He raised his eyebrows, a smile tugging at his lips as he said your name. “You see me as a friend?”

“And now I regret saying it,” you laughed.

“Oh, do not lie,” Anthony said wryly. “Why have you brought me here, if not to argue on the way?”

“It is simply a learning experience for you,” you scoffed. “It is actually quite enriching, Anthony. You may want to take your leave now though, lest you end up learning something.”

“You are truly hilarious,” he said, devoid of emotion. He glanced down at the basket you carried in your hands before looking back to you. “And what is in there?”

“Any goods I can spare,” you said. “I am one of the poorer ladies in the ton, but I am still more fortunate than many of the women that attend these rallies. They are often working mothers and sisters trying their best to support their families, but it is hardly ever enough. I do what I can to make it even the slightest bit easier for them.”

Anthony went silent, and when you glanced at him he had an odd look on his face, his gaze set on you.

“What?” you asked, and he offered the smallest smile.

“That is quite a gesture,” he finally said. “Most families in society tend to ignore anyone beneath them. They would not be caught dead in a place like this.”

“They are not beneath me,” you corrected. “They are not beneath any of us. None of them have chosen the lives they lead; wealth begets wealth, and poverty the same. It is a vicious cycle that hardly anyone is able to break out of. I see no reason why I should not use my privilege to make anyone’s life even the slightest bit easier.”

“Besides,” you said with a raise of your brow, “you are here with me, are you not?”

Anthony nodded after a moment. “I suppose you are rubbing off on me.”

You smiled. “I am glad to have gotten through to you on at least one thing. Helping others with your wealth is perhaps the best thing for you to pick up from me, I think.”

“You are quite good at ruining the moment, are you aware?”

“Oh,” you said with a cheeky smile, “I absolutely am.”

You soon made it to the opening where the rally was being held. Though some were underground in the metaphorical sense, this one was rather out in the open. It was in a darker corner of the city, so you supposed the organizers did not think they would be disturbed.

You wandered around with Anthony for a bit as you emptied your basket to a variety of women and youths, and by the time the first speaker had begun, you had handed out everything you’d brought.

You took Anthony’s hand and pulled him behind you as you moved through the crowd to get closer, and when you tried to let go of his hand, he wouldn’t let you. You smiled up at him, and it seemed as if he’d only realized what he’d done in that moment.

“I do not trust this part of town,” he whispered to you. “It is for your protection.”

“Of course,” you whispered back, though you could not hide your mirth as you turned back to the speaker.

It was wonderful. She spoke of all sorts of things relating to women and the betterment of your sex, how they deserved a place in Parliament and a voice and respect for more than motherly duties, how—

“This is unseemingly,” Anthony huffed.

You frowned. “How?”

“This is hardly a proper place for anyone.” His eyes darted around.

“This is where I am to end up if I do not figure out a better way out of the ton,” you said. “This is how a majority of London lives.”

“I am aware of that,” he muttered. “Do not think me so naive that I do not understand my privilege. I just…” Anthony shook his head and sighed. “No matter. How many of these have you been to?”

“Five, I believe.” You frowned. “Six, actually. There was the time I told my parents I was ill and snuck out.”

“It is a miracle you are still alive,” Anthony marveled.

You shrugged. “I never said I was intelligent. Merely smart.”

He laughed, genuine and full, and you found yourself smiling.

And then there was yelling.

Your brows creased again as you looked to the front, only to see a man. His burly and unkempt appearance weren’t the only off-putting things about him. He spat rhetoric against everything the rally stood for, and the look in his eye was chilling.

You’d heard of this happening before, of men from the city who indulged their baser instincts and liked the world just the way it was now, invading rallies and meetings held by women just to create problems and spread fear.

Some cries ran out around the crowd, and your head whirled around to see other men like the one yelling pushing through the sea of people, intimidating and snapping their way through. You went to take a step back, but Anthony was already ahead of you as his grip on your hand tightened.

It appeared that this was one of those times.

“Ah,” you said, beginning to back up alongside Anthony. “I forgot to mention one thing to you.”

“And that is?” he asked, annoyance coloring his words.

“This gathering is not exactly legal.” You winced as a pairing shouldered past you, but you held fast onto Anthony’s hand. “I’d say it’s quite illegal, actually. Which is why it can be interrupted in this fashion.”

“Wonderful,” he breathed. “I’d say that it is time to take our leave. Would you agree?”

“Yes,” you said, “I would.”

The glint of a knife caught your eye even from afar, gripped in the hand of one of the men, and a lady’s scream pierced the air.

And then full-on chaos broke out.

Everything after that was mostly a blur. Something triggered inside of Anthony, clear in the wild look in his eye, and his only thought was seemingly to get you out unharmed. It worked for the most part, to his credit, though you didn’t get away completely unscathed.

You also did not get away together. Somewhere in the middle, someone had barreled between the two of you and broken your link. Anthony had lost you in the rush, and he felt as if he was going insane.

This may have been your idea, illegal as it was, but he was not going to allow anything to happen to you. He couldn’t allow anything to happen to you— he couldn’t.

He shouted your name, once, twice, three times, his heart pounding in his chest as he tried his best to navigate through the insanity. This was no longer a rally, this was a riot, and with you missing Anthony truly feared the worst. His stomach twisted into knots just thinking about it.

He’d just passed an alleyway when a hand darted out of nowhere and pulled him to the side; though his first instinct was to break away, the weight of his anxieties disappeared when he saw who had dragged him over.

Anthony said your name with complete relief, his shoulders dropping as the tension faded away. “I couldn’t find you, and I thought the worst— thank God you’re safe.”

“Thank God you are safe,” you murmured, and he chuckled as he shook his head. Somehow, in this situation, you were worried about him.

“I still cannot believe you are here,” Anthony huffed. He moved to the edge of the alleyway to watch, waiting for the chaos to clear out. “Is this truly what you are engaging in every weekend? Barbaric riots where its attendees are lucky to make it out alive?”

“I promise,” you said through a shaky exhale, pressing your aching fingers to your chest as you held your good hand against your bleeding nose, “they are never like this.”

His eyes darted back over to you, and that was when he noticed the injury. “God, what happened to you?”

You opened your mouth to diminish it, but Anthony moved over and began examining you for worse injuries. You let out a breathy laugh and shook your head. “I am fine, Anthony, trust me. Men in these parts believe in one vein of equality, at least, seeing as I was punched in the face.”

His eyes widened and it only made you smile more. “Do not worry. I punched him back.” You held up your hand, bunching it into a fist. “I believe my knuckles will bruise something fierce later, though.”

Anthony shook his head, another breathless laugh taking him. “You are truly something else.”

“And I am fine,” you assured, though the slight strain of your voice said something different. Anthony did not notice, though, and he moved back to his spot on the edge watching for clearings.

“You said you have been to six of these before,” Anthony said. “And they have never been like this?”

“Never.”

“Then I assume this riot was something special they planned just for me.”

“You jest, but you may not be far from the truth.” You chuckled but immediately winced. “You are bad luck, Anthony.”

“I am bad luck?“ He turned and fixed you with a pointed look. “You are the one who threw herself into the middle of a fight; it is fortunate you got away with so few injuries.”

You huffed a laugh but a sharp pain once again shot through your chest, far more extreme than the last, and you barely managed to stifle your gasp of pain. You took your hand away from your nose and pressed it against your side, but all it caused was an even greater ripple of pain throughout your entire body.

When you took your hand away, every part that had been against your dress was coated in a shimmering layer of blood, a small drop falling from your finger and splattering to the ground below. Your heart caught in your throat as you weakly pulled at the hem, crimson red seeping through the laceration in the fabric as a confirmation of the injury below.

So it seemed you had not been lucky enough to get away with only a bloody nose and bruised knuckles.

“...Anthony?” you managed weakly, your limbs growing heavy as your vision began to blur. “I… it…”

Anthony’s head whipped around. His eyes were the last thing you saw, wide with fear and lips moving in silent panic as he lunged towards you.

And then the world around you faded into darkness.

perm tags: @dv0412 @siriuslyslyslytherin @maruchan77 @simonsbluee @kwyloz @masteroperator @louderfortheback

bridgerton tags: @theonewithallthemilkshakes @rach2602 @milkiane @korol-lantsov @heyyitsreign

not so simple tags: @ifilwtmfc @readers-post @fangirling-galore @funkydinosaurs @baby-i-am-fireproof @mess-is-my-aesthetic @likeballet @mdkfh @brezzybfan @magical-spit @lafy-taffy @miss-celestial-being @mercurysrhapsody @evilsailorsenshi @mainstreambitchlife @aangsupremacy @chloepluto1306 @lostaudfound @panhoeofmanyfandoms @blhemmings @my-acrylic-heart

#anthony bridgerton x reader #anthony bridgerton x you #anthony bridgerton fic #bridgerton x reader #bridgerton fic #anthony bridgerton fanfic #x reader #bridgerton imagine #sadie writes

417 notes · View notes

margoshrmargoshing · 2 months

Text

IT'S BRAVERN THURSDAY BABY. THEORY TIME

(SPOILERS) I watched the ninth episode of Bravern twice in a row (I want a third time) and I am BURNING WITH EMOTIONS.

So. We confirmed the theory that Bravern is Smith, and even the crazy conclusion that Bravern is in some sense a kid/descendant of Smith and Knuth (or I watched with my ass?? in general, after watching i thought he used her power in some way for this to happen)

This answered some questions and created new ones. Let's say, how did Bravern know Isami's name in the first episode, is Bravern a deathdrive and who is he anyway.

But then who is the Lewis Smith we have seen throughout all the previous episodes? Where did Bravern come from if Smith had not yet died there and how did he even return in time?

We still haven't been told what the rest of the Deathdrives need and who they really are. Knuth's true goal was to merge with Smith, but he did not agree in this world. If he was Bravern from the beginning and was there with himself, then perhaps it's like a loop: the Lewises die and become the new Braverns. So, maybe there is a universe in which Bravern did not appear at all?

If he had agreed to merge with Knuth, then this would have collapsed the loop and Bravern would not have appeared in the next universe, and both worlds would have died - the first because of Isami's despair and the victory of Vanitas and Pessimism over Bravern, and the second because of for Deathdrive attacks and Bravern's absence

Maybe the Lewis and Bravern loop is Knuth's selfish wish? She said that she rewinded time over and over again, "repeating their tryst”(or something like that). Perhaps the moment of Bravern's appearance was the very “tryst” that she repeated? Killing and reviving Lewis again and again for the sake of this feeling? The loop can't end there every time

FUCK I THOUGHT THIS WOULD BE A FUNNY ANIME COMEDY WITH A FUNNY HUMANPHILE ROBOT AND THERE IS THINGS HAPPENING NO WORSE THAN EVANGELION. I SHAKED AND NEARLY CRIED WHILE I WATCHED THIS SERIES I WAITED A WHOLE 168 HOURS (!!!) IT WAS UNBEARABLE

THIS IS HYPERFIX

I will miss Lewis TERRIBLY. But I know that he will remain with him, in a different form though, and that there would be no other way out, but they will still be together and will be able to fulfill the promise. He was destined to this for Isami's sake every time

Other notes:

—Knuth's VA performed MAGICALLY, just LISTEN TO THIS WHAT HER VOICE HAS

—The voice actor of Vanitas is no worse 🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏HE HAS SUCH A GREAT LAUGHTER

AND AT THE END, WHEN HE MOANS IN DEATH, I NEARLY DIED MYSELF. SO MUCH EMOTION

—I’m shocked by how they changed the design of Bravern and it reminds me of the changes to Optimus from the third season of TFP. Bro went to the gym

—I realized that I prefer original to Russian voice acting because Japanese actors are not shy about YELLING.

—LULU 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞

—Lewis flies naked and glows as if he was censored

Overall I'm shocked

#bang brave bang bravern #yuuki bakuhatsu bang bravern #bang bravern #bravern #bravern spoilers #bang brave bravern #bravern theories #bbbb #lewis smith #isami ao #ao isami #knuth #margosher🚛

61 notes · View notes

sandrayofsun · 7 months

Text

I may be Team Top??

As promised in my last post, I'm making a diary entry for TopMew!

I'll start by saying that I have not been a fan of this couple throughout the show, but I did like their characters separately. Something that I felt a lot throughout the series was the lack of chemistry and awkwardness surrounding TopMew. Mind you, I've watched "A Boss and a Babe," I KNOW ForceBook has chemistry.

In saying that, episode 8 has officially changed my mind on the TopMew train hehe.

Specifically this scene

Mew's revenge era is honestly what made me like him the most... Unpopular opinion maybe, but I found it really relatable that he is doing things he normally doesn't do and becoming someone different. Top did a really shitty thing to him. Despite him being "perfect," being a virgin, having good grades, and being respectful, Top still cheated on him. It opened his eyes to the fact that no matter how "good" he is, people are still capable of doing shitty things to him.

So why not do all the things you've never done in the name of being hurt. No matter who he is, people can hurt him no matter what, might as well go out with a bang.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The bathroom scene was interesting because it's the first "civil" conversation they've had since the whole fight blew out. and Top is now seeing the effects of his affair with Boston reflecting on Mew. Even with Mew rubbing Ray in Top's face, he still is only worried about Mew and what is happening to him.

It's honestly slightly refreshing that Top isn't taking the jealousy approach because he knows that at the moment he's lost that right. He can't blame Mew for running to Ray because Top set him on that path.

Top was presented to us as a selfish character, one who is used to getting what he wants, and not having much to work for (a little bit like Boston). Him going to Cheum and voicing his concerns for Mew, even taking a little bit of heat from Cheum (you go girl), shows character development on Top's part, and honestly gives me a little bit of hope for their end game.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I want to touch on Mew for a sec, and his "relationship" with Ray.

I think it is so intentional the way that they have framed this phrase for Mew and Ray. How Ray is someone that Mew "should" love, but obviously doesn't, because Mew loves Top and knows deep down that Ray will never fulfill that role in his life (the same way Mew can't fulfill that role in Ray's). Even hesitating to kiss him when they are alone is evidence enough that Mew is pretending.

Curving Ray's kiss and saying they should go and have fun is ultimate "get me out of here" behavior. Mew doesn't want Ray. Simple as that.

I also need to call out the fact that the next time we see RayMew kiss is because Mew is trying to prove a point to Top. Only then does he use Ray to make him jealous, but isn't actually willing to do it in private.

Top's face during this whole scene made me sad tbh. I really felt for him, he was manipulated by Boston and thrown under the bus by Nick. Overall, he did a shitty thing, but that doesn't mean he didn't love Mew or want to be a better person for him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This scene called to action the fact that Mew is still jealous over Top. Calling him and Boston out for sitting next to each other and telling them they're free to hook up again was funny but also important to TopMew's relationship.

Top still being there for Mew, helping him when he was throwing up and then sitting next to each other on the floor gave me MAJOR SandRay Episode 1 parallels. But also look at Mew :(

He's asking Top why he has to be an asshole because he still loves him. He is in love with an asshole :((((( and I'd like to point out that this scene was the MOST chemistry that I have seen from these two thus far.

Both of them are hurt, and are hurting for the other. I think deep down, Mew wants to make amends, but also he needs to do this for himself. He needs to spiral a little bit to realize where he is headed. he needs to make Top hurt a little (as sad as that may be).

Top on the other hand is hurt because he did this. He caught feelings, and then messed up the person he loves. He doesn't know how to fix what he broke, but also knows that they are meant to be.

This is what really changed my mind on them. Before it felt like both of them had masks, and didn't really see each other, but now they're both at low points, and seeing each other for the first time. But still loving each other from afar despite the turmoil they're going through.

Top taking care of Mew after everything at the end of the night was so heartwarming. A man who probably has never been one to take care of others, spending what little time with Mew he can get.

I'm really looking forward to seeing where these two go, and huge props to ForceBook for the amazing acting job they're doing!

See you guys next week!!

#only friends the series #only friends ep8 #only friends #topmew #forcebook #sandray #firstkhao #bostonnick #neomark #send help #mewtop #ofts top #ofts mew #ofts ray #ofts sand #ofts nick #ofts boston

107 notes · View notes

rash0mon · 8 months

Text

reason of living: akutagawa ryūnosuke

debatably, bungou stray dogs is easily the most existentialist anime out there, as the main premise of existentialism (in a rough sense) - that reason of living is something individual to man, is an underlying compartment of the series, making it as awe-inspiring as it is. each character is seen to either have, or be striving towards finding their distinct reason for living. now, i wanted to retrospect a bit into akutagawa's character and how his reason affected him, his actions, morals - as well as how it possibly shifted (especially in recent chapters of the manga and anime episodes). keep in mind that at i am just laying down my opinion and observations of akutagawa`s character - some things may be fairly obvious, some uncertain or not matching your opinion, which is why i leave space for conclusion, theory, discussion.

pre-mafia

generally, we know little about akutagawa`s life before the mafia, other than small snippets shown throughout the main manga as well as in beast (although beast is an AU, it can still effectively aid in understanding his character in the canon universe). as akutagawa's companions were annihilated, it seemed that he had no reason to live. where, as we all probably know, this soon happened afterwards. from then on, everything changed.

mafia

after that night in the forest, akutagawa's life completely shifted - or moreso, he got a new life. his whole new reason of living being - pleasing dazai, getting validation from the person who gave his life a new meaning. exploring the relationship and dynamic between these two is a whole another post, which is why i shall keep it short. now, i would like to note that even if akutagawa has an unhealthy attachment to dazai, and is being emotionally manipulated by him - he is very much sensible of it. in fact, akutagawa is remarkably self-aware and perceptive, especially of the people around him, just more subtly, through his cold layer of stoicism. he is not the cold-blooded murderer with no sense of morality that many like to paint him as. yes, he is intently focused on achieving dazai's approval, pursuing that ideal in a way familiar to himself. he knows that it is not what is considered "right" by general moral rules, but he does not do much about it, as his reason of living would then diminish. dazai leaves him with a looming sense of inferiority, as he feels he is worthless no matter what he does, unless he is to achieve dazai's attention and approval. this sense of inferiority haunts him, and guides his recklesness and death-or-glory actions.

he sees the ethical issues in his own actions, and he knows there is a better life for him. he just doesn't pursue it. this is also portrayed well in his relationship with kyouka, which could have been yet another repetition of the abuse cycle started by mori and continued by dazai - but it was not, as kyouka found the world of light. he is even happy for her, as we can see. this is one of the few snippets where we can see his sensibility when it comes to others. when he stated "i knew a man with the same eyes as yours", referring to himself, in a way, he sees that he also could`ve found the world of light. but at that point, it seemed to be too late... or at least that is what he thought.

akutagawa doesn't hate atsushi. he sees him as a reflection of himself, himself if he had a different reason of living, if he met dazai a bit later, if he pursued the world of light. he is jealous of him in a sense, yes, but he does not blame him for the fact that he didn't get dazai's approval as many like to speculate. atsushi is the first person who challenges akutagawa's "way", philosophy of living. as he sees himself in him, he fulfills their promise of not killing anyone for 6 months... perhaps because of a faint hope for the world of light? he holds onto this even as a vampire, which shows his pure determination. and it makes me think, that he did not go and protect atsushi only because of dazai, as often speculated, due to the points stated beforehand. as dazai stated: “Akutagawa—he’s like a sword without a sheath.” Dazai grinned from ear to ear. “He’ll surely become the Mafia’s strongest skill user in the not-so-distant future, but for now he needs someone who can teach him how to put that sword away.”

perhaps, atsushi is that person for him rather than dazai.

chapter 88 and vampirism

as stated beforehand, akutagawa obviously does not go to save atsushi only due to his wish to be approved by dazai. there is something deeper underlying, and we have seen numerous times before that akutagawa genuinely cares about, and admires atsushi in the same way he admires and is happy for kyouka - although he would not admit it explicitly, of course. akutagawa fights fukuchi alongside atsushi, leaving himself in a completely vulnerable state, in a simple wish as to redeem, or prove himself in a way. to fulfill his meaning. he is in a special rush to do so even so because of his lung disease, which has a severe impact on the intensity and ruthlesness of his actions throughout entirety of the series. he lays his life down, but he does not go down without a fight. he stays true to his purpose...until his last moments.

at his last moment, in the given panel, however, something changes. we see a different vision of akutagawa. as he lets go of his coat, and is able to manifest his ability without it, i would say that his reason shifted. he states "i don't need words, but only actions", which is the most important sentence in understanding his character and development if you ask me. words being dazai`s words of approval, which he lets go of, like the coat he gave him. a new reason emerges, "actions". he does not need dazai anymore. he only needs himself, raw. this is further emphasized as his coat is lost in the sea by atsushi, who he gave it to. there is no reason to hold on to the past anymore... as a new era emerges.

a new era where akutagawa is not alive, apparently. he is a vampire. however, we can still see that he holds on to some of principles that caused him to change in the first place, such as not killing aya, and keeping the promise he and atsushi made. even when not concious of his actions and controlled by fukuchi, he still holds on to it. which leads me to believe, that there is truly hope for him. atsushi shares the same line of thought... as his perception of akutagawa gradually shifts to a positive one, which is why he wants him to snap out of his vampirism. atsushi understands akutagawa to the core, as they are two sides of the same coin. which is why he hopes for him. if possible, i wish for him to let go of the vampire curse and continue on developing his new reason of living... his new life. we can only long for that at this moment.

we have seen the gradual evolution of akutagawa's character throughout the series in terms of seeking his reason of living - something that is central to each character in bungou stray dogs. which leads me to end this post with what dazai stated to kyouka, which quite well describes his, and all of the other characters ordeals in striving to find a reason to live:

Your anguish isn’t yours alone. What should one do, when what they want to be isn’t what they’re best at? Everyone fights, searching for the correct way to live their lives. What do they seek by fighting? How ought they live? No one can say. All we have is the right to waver. Like stray dogs that have hit rock bottom.

96 notes · View notes

lavfeyson · 9 months

Text

loki season two is starting to be promoted and here’s your reminder NOT to watch it

the loki show did damage to not only loki’s character as a whole, but to bisexual and genderfluid people as well.

for years, loki has been a comic character that is well known for their bisexuality and genderfluidity. a huge component to this was the ‘loki: agent of asgard’ series written by al ewing (a personal favorite of mine). many queer people opened up their arms to welcome this representation. had i known i was bisexual at the time that mcu loki was my favorite character ever, i just know i would’ve been ecstatic, which i was when the first looks at season one came out.

the first red flag should’ve been when it was revealed that in loki’s tva files, his sex was labeled as “fluid” when it’s actually his gender. i remember people being skeptical and wary about it but continued to hope for the representation that the cast promised in interviews beforehand. (if anyone is able to find which interview this was in, please let me know so i could link it.)

then as the series went on for the next six weeks, hopes of there being representation dwindled. there was the line of “a bit of both” when sylvie asked if loki courted princes or princesses and he assumed it was the same for sylvie, which was SOMETHING at the time! people were happy… for the first few days or so. we quickly realized that this was probably disney’s way of telling but never showing considering their infamous prejudice against lgbt+ rep. it was quite literally the bare minimum — a throwaway line so to say that could easily be forgotten by the average viewer. i recall that lots of people were huge shippers of loki x mobius and thought that maybe, just MAYBE, there would be something more explicitly romantic between them and hey, maybe there will be in season two! but it’s disney. you can understand that there’s not a whole lot of hope.

then comes loki’s genderfluidity. to start off, the whole existence of sylvie is the most damaging. in agent of asgard, loki has confirmed that no matter how she presents, she is always loki. there’s no “female/lady loki”, it’s all JUST loki. so to change up loki’s name, bleach her hair, and contradict whether or not she IS actually loki throughout the show is… questionable.

the line of “have you ever met a woman variant?” was just insane writing. all lokis can identify/present as women if they please!!! their shapeshifting abilities give them an advantage of presentation being easy for them, but all in all, every single loki can canonically identify as a woman. when that line was delivered, all the other loki variants looked confused as if they didn’t know. loki’s genderfluidity was never at the forefront of the writers’ minds, writers that were caught to be fucking weirdos on twitter! you can find what old tweets i’m talking about on twitter… but i digress. why would the loki variants not know such an integral part of their identity?

and the KISS. THE FUCKING KISS. we’re not angry that loki kissed a female-presenting character instead of mobius like many wished, no no no that’s not the big issue because bisexuals should never have to prove their bisexuality to anyone and they can kiss whoever the hell they want. we’re angry because loki kissed a female-presenting variant of HIMSELF. all throughout the first season, the writers went out of their way to try to differentiate sylvie from loki despite sylvie having been born as a loki variant, but there’s literally no way to separate sylvie from their lineage because at the end of the day, that’s who she was born as. no amount of bleach will change that fact. (i hope i made this easy to understand; not a lot of people get why this is an issue.) and regardless of whether or not that kiss was romantic, the fact that it even HAPPENED was a slap in the face to genderfluid fans of loki, and if the leaks for season two are right, that whole thing between the two will be continued since most of the season one writers worked on season two as well.

on top of this awful rep, known abuser jonathan majors will be in season two as another kang variant. i’ve heard that marvel had bigger plans for him, but due to these allegations, they’re limiting his presence as seen in the trailer, obviously meaning that they know.

hence why i ask fans to boycott/simply not tune in for season two if you care about queer people. if you’re desperate to watch, at least don’t use disney+. just because s2d is gone doesn’t mean other websites don’t exist. i also recommend reading ‘agent of asgard’. if you have any questions, don’t hesitate to ask me and please be respectful; your feelings about the show don’t dictate how hundreds of others feel, especially if their concerns are valid.

#loki #loki show #loki series #loki season two #loki trailer #loki laufeyson #mcu loki #anti sylvie #anti loki series #marvel #mcu #marvel cinematic universe #lgbtqia #queer rep in media #lily speaks tumblr edition

75 notes · View notes

theothersecret · 9 months

Text

I need to say this so bad guys have you seen Nimona? Balister. Balister guys. I’m about to spoil the movie so spoiler warning for Nimona, this is also and primarily about Kaladin Stormblessed btw

First of all Jessie Gender made a review of this movie and the new Spiderverse movie and she described what I’m about to attempt to way better than I ever could so here’s the link to her explanation.

But basically watching Nimona gave me so many feelings and also a great example of what frustrates me about Kaladin’s character, so here I go again-

What frustrates me the most about how Kaladin is treated in canon is that we see how much Alethkar has failed him, and every darkeyed person, and every Parshman, and yet Kaladin’s badassery arch is supposed to be how he proves himself as a Knight Radiant. This system that’s failed him continues to do so throughout the whole series, getting better at times in portrayal, but that’s the way Alethkar has functioned for so long. We’re meant to see that not all lighteyes but to be perfectly honest it frustrates me that the people still making the big decisions in this series are the people the system brings into power, not Kaladin, not the other “underdog” types. He still works under them and constantly deals with the ways Alethkar’s rules about eye color have shaped all of the people he interacts with. Like Jessie says, nobody’s made to change for Kaladin. He has to change for them.

And even worse is that the other huge conflict Kaladin faces is his internal struggle with mental health and his relationship to himself. Kaladin’s perspective of his worth and what he deserves is royally fucked because of the trauma he’s gone through and the ways he’s dealt with it. Kaladin does not believe that he’s a good guy who deserves to be happy and deserves respect. He’s a depressed lower class darkeyed soldier, previously enslaved, that saw his brother die in war, something that is part of Alethkar’s very foundation and core values, something that is undeniably out of his control and built so deeply into the system, and yet Kaladin feels like he failed his brother. He assigned himself the guilt and responsibility for what happened because he was in the battle, not realizing that the anger he holds toward the men in charge is completely called for. Not realizing that he was a teenage child soldier who literally could not have done shit to control anything about that event.

All of this build up for his character could have been so well executed—and that’s such a fucking shame. The stormlight archive is far from finished, but is Sanderson going to actually give Kaladin the arch that he, and the people who go through things synonymous with his struggles, deserves to see?

Going to my actual point bringing Nimona into this, Balister is a great example of what I wish to see be done with Kaladin. It’s a completely different scale of a story, but what I love about him is that he comes to realize that he was never going to be what he was promised he could be as a knight. He was recruited as a diversity hire and trained as a show of good faith towards “inclusion,” not justice. Not change. He realizes that the system he serves isn’t what he cares about, but instead what he cares about is the way the person he loves sees him. His focus shifts from earning his respect through serving a system that was never made for him, to opening his eyes to the pain he and others like him have had to endure, and sharing that pain whole heartedly to make a change.

If I could wish anything for Kaladin, it’s that he’s shown some damn respect. I want somebody to walk in on him getting frustrated with Dalinar, with Adolin or Shallan, and say, “What you’re thinking is right. You do not have to accept this.”

Because Kaladin’s struggles are so real, and Sanderson somehow managed to convey that, it’s so entirely possible to tie his arch together with those beliefs he has about himself and Alethkar being brought into the spotlight and reevaluated. I feel like Sanderson will probably (hopefully) do this with Kaladin’s struggles with guilt and shame, his pattern of assigning himself the blame for things outside of his control, and the aspects of his turmoil that are internal.

But my fear is that the same won’t happen for what’s happening outside of Kaladin. And this is where my opinions come into play, because I do not believe that a few good guys are going to enact the systematic change that needs to happen for like, half of Alethkar and probably beyond. I don’t think Kaladin can swear an oath to protect those who can’t protect themselves, and then sit back and aid the people who did this to them try to figure out how to not be bad. No, I think he should give those powerless people that power to protect themselves. I think the very best thing Sanderson could do with Kaladin as a character is to have him realize that he can’t save everyone, but he could fight for them to have a chance of defending themselves. That he’s been looking in the wrong places for what he needs. I would love love love to see him reprocess his memories, his internal beliefs about himself, and while he heals those long-ago formed wounds, come to reprocess alongside the lies he believed about himself, the lies he’s believed about how to save the world, and his place in it. I want his self love to be intrinsically tied to this. Imagine how fucking fantastic of an arch that would be for him.

#cosmere #stormlight archive #the stormlight archive #kaladin #kaladin stormblessed #sanderson critical #i guess #balister boldheart

82 notes · View notes

rawliverandgoronspice · 9 months

Note

TLOZ translations always seem to be a bit shitty. I still see people talk about the weird translation of the Demise monologue at the end of SkSw. I think someone said that Demise was more general with his statement, as in there will always be forces from the demon tribe fighting against the light or smth? Not specifically "us three will always fight". (I've read it a few times, but hard to remember, sorry.) (On the topic of SkSw, I kinda dislike how much it impacted theories within TLOZ, some theories are really cool, don't get me wrong. But now, even games that existed for years before suddenly are being pushed to fit with the lore presented in that game. Ganondorf being the best example: He no longer is his own character who did bad things because of his own will and actions, it's now "He did it all because an evil curse made him do it. He had no choice, he was born as a vessel for the demonic lord." The implications that "the curse of Demise" also would mainly go for the already vilified race of the Gerudo, and make their one male an evil warlord is already kinda... yeah... no. (Not to mention that there are other demon lords throughout the franchise that have nothing to do with Ganon.)

Ohh speaking of this I recently saw this post that did a good translation of that very moment, and pretty much confirms what you are mentioning anon; that it's basically a promise of that cycle coming back moreso than Demise himself coming back (especially since his actual and definitive death is a big deal in that game).

But yeah, I agree it has taken a huge space in the way the series is thought about. I pretty much completely missed that hard turn, as I couldn't play Skyward Sword when it released and wasn't super into Zelda afterward anymore (I had gotten too edgy.... 2011 was the year where I got obsessed with every horror videogame in existence basically except for Resident Evil for some reason I could never get into that series ANYWAY WAY off topic........), so coming back a few years later had me very ???? puzzled about how the theories had reconstructed themselves around Hylia and Demise and endless cycles (it's not that it wasn't a thing before, but I wouldn't say it was as much a Series Trademark as it is now).

But yeah. Ganondorf having his own motivations makes him immediately stronger as an antagonist, especially since his deal is quite complicated all things considered.

I am having a thought about how a lot of Zelda villains' motivation is a sort of rebellion against nature. I have scratched enough digital paper about Ganondorf's situation, but like... Minish Cap Vaati is also very much motivated by his refusal to remain small and whimsical and seize power instead of staying in his lane (and then he gets horny in Four Sword so, maybe let's not go there), Zant is.... Zant, Hilda in A Link Between World has been cosmically punished for trying to reject the Goddesses and create a world on its own terms --like SERIOUSLY this is HORRIFYING I feel like we don't talk enough about how utterly nightmarish of a reality that paints for Hyrule as a whole-- Girahim is devoted but fights for the side more or less destined to lose... It's interesting how Hyrule is hostile to change and anything that threatens the statut quo.

(then you have the occasional Majora and Yuga, whomst I dooon't think really fit the above category --to their full credit! and then you have Bellum, who is..... a blob...... And I don't remember enough from either the Oracles game or about Malladus to put them in either category, I need to replay those games)

Hyrule really has this frightening quality to it when you stare at it for too long: that your two only options are to either graciously submit to your assigned cosmic role, or fight it and become darkness incarnate in some way. A Link Between World showed, quite starkly, that trying to escape that binary choice is *not an option*.

92 notes · View notes

winters0689 · 6 months

Text

The Burning Maze is my favorite TOA book and it brings me so much pain… so much pain… but I LOVE IT!!!!

I love that Grover is in it! (He is one of my favorite characters from the series) and Meg dealing with going back to her childhood home! The Arrow of Dodona was, as always, a fantastic character.

It was nice to see Piper and Jason again and that, even though they broke up, they still deeply cared for each other. Caligula was such a good antagonist and Medea was also so good, especially with Piper taking revenge and killing Medea.

Crest was such a fun character and his death is kind of traumatizing, like, Apollo is trapped, in literal pain and forgetting himself as Grover and Meg were dangled over Helios’s essence and Crest kept distracting Medea even as he was stabbed by her like… that’s SO FUCKING DARK!!

I love how it ended with Apollo vowing to keep Jason’s promise to remember to be human.

Other miscellaneous things that I enjoyed was also:

Apollo’s dreams that involved Caligula, like the one in which he ordered a guard to kill Tiberius and the one in which he basically pretended to be the Sun God.

I also liked Caligula’s motives in that Apollo was VERY valuable to him alive, but rather than being like Commodus, who wanted to kill him so that he can rename Indianapolis to Commodianapolis, he wanted to take Apollo’s remaining essence and combine it with Helios’s to become the new Sun God (not to say that I didn’t like Commodus’s motives, it’s just that Caligula is very interesting in that he wanted to become the Sun God)

Honestly Caligula as a whole was such a good character. He has such an intimidating presence throughout the book, and I loved it when he finally got to see Apollo he kind of gushed over him, being excited to finally have him in his clutches, and I love how after Apollo stabbed himself he was all ‘I won’t touch a sorceress’s purse’ and how he was so upset that Piper was knocked unconscious. Honestly if there ever is a TOA show they gotta cast the Emperors right because all the Emperors are horrible yet interesting in their own merit.

I love the conversation that Jason and Apollo had before they left his dorm. I love how Jason tells Apollo that he tried to defend him to Zeus and that Apollo was shocked. I love how Jason made him promise to remember his experience being human and how, even to the last book, Apollo is still thinking about the promise he made.

I love how Meg is just able to show Apollo her memories?? How the fuck did she learn to do that??!! Also the fact that it’s never addressed how she can do this.

Speaking of Meg, I love how revenge obsessed she is, like she was full on ready to murder Caligula and how at the end acknowledges that she was taking her anger for Nero out on Caligula instead (not to say Caligula doesn’t deserve it, but moreso that she realizes that instead of confronting her feelings for Nero, she pushed those feeling into killing Caligula) and I love how Meg is such a strong character, having to deal with going back to her childhood home and having to revisit those old, painful memories of a happier time in her life that was taken away from her, and how, in the final book, she confronts Nero and finally stands up for herself and as she says ‘defeats the Beast’. I just love Meg’s arc.

I love Apollo’s self sacrifice. He has always been a somewhat selfless character, willing to save others over him, but this truly defined his character, how he was willing to do anything to save his friends, and how he most likely would have succeeded had it not been the Arrow of Dodona. I also love how Meg calls him a hero and how his perspective of what defines a hero is being changed.

I love how Wah Wah has SUCH a hatred of Tip Toe Through The Tulips by Tiny Tim that he would rather tell Apollo and Piper where the shoes are than to bear through the music.

I also love how, to me, the kind of dark comedy of Caligula taking your very words LITERALLY!! It’s almost comical how a character vows something only for them to realize ‘oh shit’ as Caligula gleefully fulfills on that promise (like when Wah Wah would give his heart to Caligula or how he ordered for a poets tongue to be cut out and dipped in silver so that they could see his ‘silver tongue’) it’s just… Caligula is SUCH a good character!

I love how Aloe Vera is constantly fretting over anyone who has any injuries. I just like how Apollo wakes up sometimes covered in Aloe Vera’s healing slime.

I love the entire Macro’s Military Madness section. I love as Macro was talking about taking Apollo and killing the satyrs that Coach Hedge was struggling to open a pack of grenades. I love how Apollo landed in another dumpster again and how he peed himself and got himself some pink camo pants.

I love Coach Hedge, he’s such a funny character, especially when he was ready to fight the Automatons in Macro’s Military Madness and had to basically be dragged away.

The entire section of Apollo in molten chains as Medea tries to kill him is such an intense moment. It is such a dark scene, especially as Apollo is loosing himself, loosing his memories and how he is in pain and his skin is being described as being cracked open?! It’s such an intense scene and is one of my favorite moments in the book and one of my favorite moments in all of the Riordan-verse books.

I love the Meliai and how they say ‘HAIL TO THE MEG’ I just love how badass they are. I also love how after they kill Incitatus everyone is just staring at the Meliai with shock and horror.

There are so many other amazing scenes in the book! Honestly it’s one of my favorite books of all time. Honestly the TOA series is so good! I do admit that Apollo is sometimes annoying with how arrogant he is, but his character development is so good! I adore these books so much, so if anyone can recommend me any good fics PLEASE DO!!!

#trials of apollo #the burning maze spoilers #lester papadopoulos #meg mccaffrey #toa caligula #toa #sorry for the rant

49 notes · View notes

maple-the-awesome · 6 months

Text

We'll Meet Again...I Know When || Chapter 31

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x GN Reader

Words: 2,745

Overview: Given your old-fashioned personality and obsession with all things 1940s to 1980s, it’s no wonder that most people refer to you as an ‘old soul’ who would’ve rather lived back then than in the modern era. Little do they know, you already did, but with your previous life as Hollie Stark cut short, you’ve been left with some…unfinished business, to say the least. Top of your list? Finally getting to marry your thought-to-be-lost fiancé.

Series Masterlist 🤎 Marvel Masterlist 🤎 Fandom Masterlist

CHAPTER THIRITY-ONE: READ THE ROOM

If you had known it would have resulted in you having to work with Bucky and Zemo, you would've never opened your door for Sam. Despite how civil you're trying your best to be, a part of you wants to slap them both for different reasons, although if thinking more rationally, Bucky's only crime against you is breaking your heart by turning his back and walking away without so much as a goodbye. Zemo, on the other hand, tried to frame Bucky for the UN Bombing, traumatized your nephew by showing him a recording of his own parents' brutal deaths, and ultimately tore the Avengers inside-out. Needless to say, you're having a really difficult time so much as glancing at Zemo's smug face without wanting to fulfill your previous promise to break his nose, and it's not like he's doing much to save himself from receiving that fate either.

"So, what's with the frosty air between you two, hmm?" He gestures between Bucky and you with the champagne glass his butler hands him, his eyes flashing with mischief as he takes a drink, "Now that I think about it, I don't believe I've seen you say a word to each other this entire time. It would be a shame if you've broken up. You were quite the 'couple' last we crossed paths."

You do your best not to give him the satisfaction of your attention, continuing to watch out the jet window instead while spinning your ring which is the only distraction you unfortunately have during this long flight. While you may hide it well, it does hurt to know Zemo's words hold truth. Bucky has barely said a damn word to you since the apartment, purposefully going out of his way to avoid even addressing your presence despite being on this whole mission together. Hell, so far he's been more willing to respond to the criminal who terrorized him than the person who used to be his fiancée...Did you really hurt him that bad to somehow be worse than Zemo?

"Where are you taking us?" Thank God for Sam who has proven himself to be the only person on this trip you can stand to be around. Reading the jet's rigid energy, he's quick to try changing the topic, yet Zemo refuses to address his question right away, taking his time setting down his drink in exchange for picking up the book that has been balancing on his lap.

"...Sorry -" He 'innocently' pretends to have only just heard Sam, "- I was just fascinated by this. A lot of it's scribbled out, although it seems to be an important letter; a heartfelt one, from what I can make out. 'Holiday Edwardine -"

By the time you zoned in to your name being mentioned, it was instantly cut off by two steps - two heavy footsteps before Zemo was suddenly pinned back against his chair, his neck trapped in Bucky's gloved hand which doesn't show much restraint with its iron grip.

"Touch that again and I kill you," Bucky's voice is a whispered threat, yet still heard throughout the dead silent jet as no one does or says anything about his unexpectedly aggressive behavior. Even Zemo only responds with a short nod and a quiet gasp for air once Bucky finally removes his hand, allowing him to breathe easy once again.

Ripping the small notebook from his hands, Bucky shares a quick glance at the shocked expressions Sam and you wear before returning to his seat wordlessly. You follow his movements, watching as he awkwardly pushes the notebook back into his coat pocket while shifting his head towards the window as if he can feel your burning stare.

Zemo clears his throat, giving off a tone that some might believe to be genuine, although it loses its effect on all of you, "I'm sorry. I understand that was the name of your late wife. As for the list of names on the other pages - people who you've wronged as the Winter Soldier."

"Don't push your luck," Bucky grumbles, again shifting in his seat as if doing so will somehow get him further away from this situation.

You want to ask - to reach your hand out for his and gently question what's wrong. You knew Bucky must still struggle with parts of his part, so you're not surprised that the Winter Soldier's victims would remain on his mind, but Hollie as well? He should realize by now that you don't blame him; you've insisted it enough times. He knows you're alive and well in this life, so he doesn't have to let any guilt about what happened weigh him down...but you keep your hands to yourself instead of saying a word of it aloud, looking down at your lap as you decide it isn't your place to press anymore, after all Bucky made himself quite clear earlier that he doesn't want you worrying about him.

"...I'veseen that book before. It was Steve's. When I told him about Trouble Man, he wrote it in that book. Have you listened to it? You like it?" Sam breaks the silence, once again trying to turn the conversation towards one he hopes won't start a fight. Little did he know that he'd be the one to partake in the next bickering session because of it, not convinced by Bucky's claims that he 'liked' the soundtrack. Even Zemo would agree with Sam that it's a masterpiece, yet that would be the extent of their common ground.

"You must have really looked up to Steve," Zemo takes the conversation away from movies and music, deciding to tip-toe over the line of what's acceptable to say and what will get him punched, "I realized something when I met him for myself - that the danger with people like him is the very way we put them on pedestals, idolizing them as storybook heroes and symbols of hope until we become blind to their flaws. From there, wars begin, cities fall, innocent people lose their lives...You remember that, right? As a young soldier sent to Germany to stop a mad 'icon'? Now, do we really want to live in a world full of people like Red Skull?"

"Steve was a pretty far cry from Red Skull, though," You point out, speaking for the first time since boarding this jet which brings Zemo's attention from Bucky to you, "Let's not forget that super soldiers aren't inherently corrupt. You can see it anywhere with shitty people being given power useful for their own benefit. It doesn't necessarily take super powers, just an escape from accountability that goes to your head. That's why Steve was so carefully chosen - Why Dr. Erskine didn't simply hand off the serum to the first fit soldier to cross his path. He picked the little guy from Brooklynn because he knew that's who would fight for what's right, not for his own interests."

"And I couldn't agree more. Steve Rogers was a unique exception, but how many people are you willingly to bet will follow in his footsteps? Certainly not those 'Flag-Smashers', I would think," He has a point you can't argue against. Steve and Bucky are good people who didn't let their superhuman abilities change that, and while you're sure there are more people like that out there, it isn't safe to just cross your fingers hoping they'll be the ones who come across any super soldier serum circling the globe unmanaged, "That's why we're going to Madripoor."

"Yeah, I have some questions about that. What's exactly the deal with Madripoor? You keep talking about it like it's Skull Island or something," Sam asks.

"It's an island in the Indonesian archipelago. In the 1800s, it was known as a pirate sanctuary," Bucky explains distantly.

"But it's kept its lawless ways since, which means we can't simply walk in as ourselves. Three people associated with the Avengers would only cause unwanted attention, perhaps a few bullets sent our way," Zemo swirls his champagne glass in hand as he eyes Sam and you, "You both will be easy enough to conceal, although I'm afraid James will have to become someone he claims to be gone."

You glance at Bucky who stiffens, only sparing a quick glare at Zemo then back out the window. You can't say the idea sits well with you either...

When Zemo said Madripoor is 'lawless', you expected something like Hell’s Kitchen or Detroit, but this is far, far worse. The streets are literally packed with crime, every corner having someone who casually stands around with a large gun in hand while every shop specializes in illegal goods. A few steps out of the car and you felt as if you had just walked straight into a GTA game on steroids except unlike a video game, none of you have extra lives to spare - Well, you might, but you're not quite willing to part with this one just yet.

To avoid looking suspicious and getting shot for doing so, you have to put full faith in Zemo's plan, something you never thought you'd have to do ever. Admittedly he seems to know what he’s doing, although you would complain that he's being a little too cheerful while doing it. Not once did he flinch when all eyes focused upon your group as you entered the Brass Monkey Saloon nor did he hesitate to introduce Sam to the bartender under his temporary identity as 'Smiling Tiger'.

You feel for Sam, especially when forced to choke down a drink made of the fresh insides of a snake, however your pity must wait until later because you have your own role to strictly stick to here. A humble and forgettable assistant, you're to remain silent yet observant while accomplishing whatever small tasks are ordered of you (not that you plan on doing any more for Zemo than required for this act). It’s annoying, but easier than drinking snake guts, so you're not about to complain.

You had noticed when entering the saloon that several patrons have taken special interest in Bucky, their whispers once again meeting your ear as you wait for Sam to gain the courage to finish his drink, however you try not to concern yourself with. In any other environment, you'd be ready to pick a fight with anyone bold enough to start gossiping about the 'infamous Winter Soldier's' presence, but here and for this mission, Bucky's past is exactly what you need people to pay attention to.

You can hear Sam gag quietly after the bartender finally walks away, hopefully to set up a meeting with this 'Selby' person Zemo says can provide you guys with information. In the meantime, you look up and manage to catch Bucky's eyes only briefly before they dart back to watch the other patrons. You roll your own eyes and find somewhere else to look since even undercover in a crowded bar, it seems he can still find time to be mad at you.

Suddenly, Bucky stands straighter and grabs your wrist, giving it a slight tug that moves you subtly in his direction. You would've wondered why if not for immediately feeling the presence of someone else walking up behind you. Turning around, you find a man has squeezed his way out of the crowd to where he now stands practically toe-to-toe with Zemo.

"Got word from higher up. You ain't welcome here," The man threatens, although despite his attempt at intimation, Zemo hardly does more than blink.

"I didn't come here for business with the Power Broker, but if he insists, he can either come to talk to me..." With a smug undertone to his voice, Zemo trails off while gesturing to Bucky who has already let go of your wrist, but only in exchange for having a hidden hand hovered over your hip to keep you close in front of him, "...Or bring Selby by for a chat."

The man seems to size Bucky up, and since you’re standing between them, it feels as if he’s also looking you over, however if he wonders who you might be or notices that the ‘Winter Soldier’ seems awfully protective over you, it goes unsaid. Sparing one last hostile look at Zemo, the man disappears back into the crowd, allowing you to let go of that breath you’ve been holding and for Bucky to remove his hand, "'Power Broker'? Really?"

"Every kingdom needs its king."

Surveyingthe crowd, you notice several men beginning to slowly surround your group. You keep your eyes trained on them, your hand cautiously lowering to your belt where you keep the taser you had stubbornly refused to part with earlier. Whether he saw the concern on your face or sensed the approaching goons for himself, Zemo pushes off the counter and locks eyes with Bucky, "Zimniy Soldat…Ataka."

Just as one of the men places a heavy hand upon Zemo’s shoulder, Bucky swiftly pushes you behind him before grabbing the man’s hand, twisting it until it snaps, but he doesn’t let go, instead forcing him to walk backwards until at the center of the room. There, Bucky goes head-to-head with him and all his little buddies who decide they might actually stand a chance against a super soldier.

If anyone hadn’t been paying attention to your group before, they’re definitely not missing the show now. The crowd watches in awe as Bucky easily beats every fool who swings a punch his way, doing so with little emotion written over his face; the complete opposite of how Sam and you observe the chaotic scene in front of you.

"Didn't take much for him to fall back into form, did it?" Zemo leans over to whisper to you, his comment being one that will boil your blood if you think back to it later, but for now, you’re too focused on Bucky.

You can hardly stand seeing him fight as the Winter Soldier like this, even if it’s just pretend. He can handle himself, you know that. He’s within control and doing this of his own volition, but that doesn't mean he should have to. You know this is hurting him inside, only serving as a cruel reminder for what he once was. It’s torture to see and recognize that hidden pain in his eyes as he slams one of the men onto the bar counter, keeping him trapped there all by the strength of a single hand crushing his throat. You might not be a mind reader, but you can guess what’s going through Bucky’s right now: how many people has he done this to without control or mercy? How many people has he actually killed using the same method?

Sam also shows his concern over how far this has suddenly gone, especially when the echo of guns’ cocking becomes impossible to dismiss. He places a hand on Bucky’s arm, however he’s called off by Zemo who’s quick to remind you both through whispered breath about the risks of losing character now.

“Molodets, soldat.”

Selby will finally see you. Your efforts of concealing your identities and that little ‘show’ Bucky put on has won you another step towards finding the super soldier serum. That should be a good thing that takes some stress off your shoulders, but it doesn’t.

Bucky’s expression is frozen in a blank stare, his movements almost automatic as he simply lets go of the man and lets him slide off the counter. Somehow his breath is louder in your ears than the mumbling of the captivated crowd - a crowd you almost completely forget about.

“...Hey, you okay -?” You whisper, reaching to touch his arm as has always been habit for you, however you instantly retract your hand when Bucky jerks away, his eyes once again only briefly meeting yours - this time with an emotion you can’t quite put a name to - before he roughly pushes by to follow Zemo.

Your hand feels stuck in the air until you awkwardly lower it and bite your frowned lip. There’s a burning in your eyes and an aching to your soul, one you fear might become too obvious if you let yourself dwell on it for too long, so you suck it up and trail after the others all while bitterly electing to ignore the way Sam watches you sympathetically in your peripheral vision. You're thankful he can’t ask with everyone else around. It’ll hurt less if you just don’t think about it.

NEXT CHAPTER ->

<- PREVIOUS CHAPTER

34 notes · View notes

doingitforbokuto · 4 months

Text

The White Knight - Chapter Six

-> KNIGHT!KITA SHINSUKE X PRINCESS!READER

-> Previous Chapter

-> Series Masterlist

Summary: Your father wants to protect you, no matter at what cost. But what does that mean for your future? Can you still be with the man that you love if your father has different plans for you?

Words: 3,521

Warnings: talks of arranged marriage, wound treatment (not graphic, mentioned), angst, talks of death

Your Point Of View

The needle pushing into your skin stung, no matter how many times it happened. The royal physician rushed to your room as soon as he heard what had happened. The news of what had happened to you had spread throughout the castle like a forest fire after a maid walked past your room and was alarmed by Kita shouting for her to get help.

Your knight had not moved from where he kneeled by your bedside. When the physician came to deal with your wound, he only shuffled a bit to the side to give the other man some room to work. But he did not leave. Just like he promised. Maybe he wanted to leave, to find the man who had done this to you, but you held onto his hand so desperately that there was no room for any questions: You needed him here, with you. So he stayed.

Other knights had already been sent out to capture Garret anyway, so Kita could best serve you by helping you stay calm during the painful treatment of the wound. It was hard to stay still when every time the skin on your collarbone was touched, when even the air that brushed against it seemed to burn. But that wasn't what you focused on. You focused on the hand that was holding yours, on the only touch that you would ever need in your whole life. Had anyone else's touch ever felt this good? You could not remember. It was like his hands were the ones you had been longing, waiting for your whole life. Nothing else mattered. Not even the pain, not the fears. They all vanished the moment you closed your eyes and focused on the man beside you, on his breathing, on his skin on yours. There was no other feeling that mattered but the love you had for him. Even if he didn't feel the same way. Even if it could never be. At least you could love him now, you could bask in his presence now. And you would continue to do so for as long as you could. You hoped it would be a long time.

The door to your room was shut again, but not locked. Under normal circumstances, Kita would have left the room as to not disturb the work of the physician, but now, you had insisted he stayed. After all, you didn't know who to trust anymore. No one argued with you about that. Your safety was the most important thing right now, anyway. If they thought that him holding your hand was improper, they did not mention it. At first, Kita had tried to pull his hand away from you, but you held onto him firmly. You needed him.

Other people could interpret the touch as something romantic, as a sign that there was more than an appropriate relationship between the two of you. You knew that, of course. But that did not change the way your whole being longer for him. You still wished that he would hold you longer, tighter. Wrap his arms around you like he had done when he had carried you to your bed. If he would just touch you like that again, everything would have been worth it, just to feel his touch for one second again, you would go through all of this fear and danger all over again. So you held onto his hand, whimpering as another stitch was made. If having a wound was what would make him keep his hand onto your skin, you would gladly take that pain. His touch made you forget all of the bad things that had just happened to you. The only thing you could feel in that moment was him: His warmth, his skin on yours.

With a concentrated look on his face, the physician finished the last stitch on your wound. In order for him to be able to work on it properly, he had to remove your dress from your chest, leaving you in only your underdress. Your chest was still covered, but the cut of the underdress was much deeper, exposing just the tiniest bit of the soft swell of your breasts that was usually hidden by your clothes. Like the gentleman that Kita was, he turned his head, averted his eyes and locked them onto the ground.

And as you looked at him, you couldn't help but wish that he didn't look away. That he looked at you the same way you looked at him now. That he, too, would try and map out every little detail of your face.

You took in the way his hair fell. The way his ears turned a slight shade of pink, just the same his cheeks did. By now, you had committed him to memory. It was impossible for you to forget the way his cheeks rounded out or the way his nose curved. Even though he had a more stoic manner most of the time, you had never missed the softness in his features. Maybe it was because he had always been so kind to you or maybe it was just your affection for him that made him even more handsome, but what you saw when you looked at him was the most beautiful, handsome man you had ever laid eyes upon.

Everyone else saw a knight, one that had even admitted to being afraid of dying. They saw a man who they thought would not be able to protect you the way that he was supposed to. But you didn't see that, you never had. You had always seen a man that knew the dangers of his duty and faced it anyway. For you. Who cared about you. Who deserved so much more than you could ever give him. He should ride by a Lord's side, by your father's side and receive all the honor in the world. But instead, he was stuck with you and no honor worthy of him could ever be bestowed upon him by your hand.

“There,” the physician said. “All done. I will let your maid wrap the bandages around your chest so the wound is protected. Make sure to rest as much as you can, overworking yourself can lead to the wound opening up again.” He shot you an apologetic look as he gathered his things.

Your maid stepped towards you while Kita helped the physician to the door. It hurt you to let go of him, but he really could not stay with you while your maid undressed you to bandage the wound. The whole time he kept his face turned away from you, making sure that there was not a bit of your exposed body that he could see. But you could still see the red tips of his ears. In all of this mess that you were in now, the small bit of red skin that shone through his hair seemed like a little glimmer of hope. It was the one thing that made the edges of your lips curl upwards, not a real smile, but some piece of happiness nevertheless. The maid wrapped the bandages around your chest and shoulder so that the whole wound was covered in it and protected before helping you into your clothes again. There would probably be some visitors, your father and brother, maybe Alysane if she was allowed to see you, so you had to be somewhat decent. As if you really cared about being decent in front of your family after almost dying. But, well.. it wasn't you making the rules.

“Do you need anything else, princess?”

“No, Clara, thank you.” You gave her an exhausted smile. All you wanted was to rest, just rest.

“I will check back in with you in a bit, just in case.” She squeezed your hand gently. In the time that she had been your you had really grown to appreciate her. Clara wasn’t someone who hid her emotions or pretended to be someone she was not, like so many people around you did. So when she acted like she cared about you, you knew that she did actually care. It was always nice to know that the people close to you want to help you. And though, yes, she could be quite talkative at times and loved to gossip, but that wasn't always bad. She loved to hear and share new information, but she never did it with bad intentions (even if gossip often led to bad things in your world). It had actually given you a lot of useful information about some people at court and helped you steer clear of many bad people. Sadly, it hadn't helped you now.

Clara stood up to leave and Kita returned to your side. He could not see it as he was standing behind your maid, but you did not miss the way that she glanced at you before turning to leave. It was just a split second, but you could practically see the questions that were going through her head spelled out on her forehead: "Is he always this close to you? Does this bother you? Do you like it? Is this something more than just him protecting you?"

Of course, she did not say any of that out loud. As nice as she was to you and as much as you liked and appreciated her, it was not her place to ask you such things. Maybe in another lifetime, you could have been friends and she could have asked you. Maybe in a different world. But not not in this one. In this one, there was always an invisible wall separating you from everyone else. Even from Kita. Even he did not dare to ask you about the thoughts running through your head.

And there was nothing you could do about it. There was no way for you to tell him that it was alright to be close to you because it wasn't. He wasn't allowed to ask you such things and you weren't allowed to tell them to him, not because it was what was best for you, but because that was just the way that things were. And you did not make the rules. You never would. Your life would never be the way that you wanted it to be. You would never be able to be as close to Kita as you wanted, you would never be able to give him what he deserved. All that you had done since meeting him was make him feel bad for not protecting you well enough, make him uncomfortable with your panic and stupidity and steal his handkerchief. You were completely useless.

“Princess..” Kita’s voice was gentle, careful. “It’s alright. It's alright.” His hand was on your arm and it felt like the most natural thing for him to do; like his hand had been molded just to hold you.

The tears streaming over your face did not stop under his touch, if anything, they got worse. He wasn't supposed to be doing this. Or, he was supposed to be doing this, if the way this felt was any indication. He was made to hold you. It was just that someone had decided that it wasn't appropriate for him to be doing this. Well, not someone. Your father. He decided what was appropriate for you to do. He decided everything, for everyone. And there was nothing you could ever do about it. You could never love Kita the way you were both meant to.

Everything was horrible. Everything was pain again and not even Kita's touch could make you forget about it.

As if your father could hear you thinking about him, he walked in, flanked by two of his guards, another one no doubt waiting outside with the two knights already ordered there for your protection.

“Your Grace,” Kita immediately moved to greet him, bowing down. He shot you an apologetic look. Did he miss touching you just as much as you missed his touch? He had to. There was no way that a love like yours could be a coincidence. It was a force bigger than you, pushing you towards him. Of God wanted you to love him, he had to make him love you too. Right?

“y/n! I heard what happened, my dear.” Your father walked up to your bedside, his guard following him.

With so many people now filling the space, Kita had no choice but back up and make room for the three other men now demanding your attention. But your attention wasn't on them. You tried and follow Kita with your eyes but the broad bodies of the king's guards obscured your view. Reluctantly, you looked up at your father. The tears were still wet on your face, but you held yourself back from spilling even more now.

“Oh, my dear.” He repeated as he sat down on the side of your bed, a hand on your forehead. With gentle motions, he brushed stray hairs and sweat from your forehead. His hand felt warm against your skin and it reminded you of when you had been still a child and had your parents comfort you when you were sick. When was the last time you had felt this kind of touch from your family? Not since your mother's funeral. The thought made the tears flow again all by themselves.

“Oh,” your father whispered again. “Oh, sweetheart.” His hand didn't stop brushing over your skin as he turned around and quickly motioned for the other men to leave you two alone.

It was like a wave that came crashing down on you. It wasn't just what had happened today, it was everything. Your mother's death. The loneliness you had felt for so long. The pressure coming down on you from all sides. The expectations. The way you didn't know what your future held for you because you didn't know what man your father would choose for you. The love you had for a different man, that you could never have. It was the nightmares you had every time sleep overcame you. It was the fears that haunted you. It was everything. Everything hurt.

Only when you had calmed down enough to breathe steadily again did your father speak up again. “I am so sorry this happened to you, love. I promise you: I will make sure that Garret is punished for what he did. And your knight, too. How could he let this happen?!”

What? “No,” you gasped. “No, it wasn't the knight's fault!”

Your father raised an eyebrow. “Really? Because I heard that the knight on duty this morning let you go into your room all by yourself.” Oh. Oh, he wasn't talking about Kita. Thank God. But still - it still wasn't the knight's fault!

“He was right outside the door, talking to the maid like I commanded him to do.” Your heart was still pounding in your chest. Would you have a broken rib by the end of this, too?

“He should have known better than-”

“Father.” You looked deeply into his eyes. Eyes that weren't cold, but angry and clouded by worry for his child's safety. “Trust me. It wasn't his fault. Do not punish him. For me. Please?”

He hesitated for a moment. But then, his eyes softened and he sighed. “Alright.” He kissed your forehead. “If that is what you say happened. But I'm still not happy with him.” His eyes turned serious yet again. “And what about Sir Kita? Should I be happy with him?”

How could he even ask that? Could he not see how perfect Kita was? “Yes, father.” You tried not to blush. And probably failed miserably. “He saved me. I would probably not be here without him right now. Or.. Garret’'s plan would have worked out.”

“I am sick and tired of men trying to weasel their way into a marriage. With you, especially!” The tone your father now used was one you rarely heard. One of anger and frustration. “I am trying to keep you safe. I -” He choked up for a second. You knew what he was about to say.

“I am safe, father.” You squeezed his hand. “Mother knew that you would keep us safe after her death. You kept your promise to her.”

“But you are not safe.” Did you see tears glimmer in his eyes? “Look at you!” He motioned to your bruised and hurt body. “I promised to keep you safe and yet here you are, wounded on bedrest because I could not keep you safe!”

“This is not your fault. You can't-”

“This will not happen again.” The emotional look vanished from his face and left you with your father like you saw him almost all the time: A calm, distanced king who ruled over everyone and everything. One who would not take “No” for an answer.

“There will be no more men coming to try and grab at your hand because I will decide on the man who will marry you. I was wrong to postpone this. The sooner I decide, the better.”

No. No, no, no. No! This could not be happening. You weren't ready yet. You needed more time! More time to be with Kita, to love Kita, to give him what he deserved. Even if just quietly, you needed to love him. To do something good for him. To change for him. You needed more time. Time with him.

“Father, I don't think that-”

“You do not need to worry about this.” As harsh as the reality behind his words was, the way he said them was soft, gentle. Like he was reassuring you instead of shutting you up. Perhaps that was what he thought he was doing. “You do not need to worry about any of this. Soon, you will be safe. I will keep you safe. Always.” He kissed your forehead. “Rest now.”

—

“You're supposed to stay in bed.” Clara's hands were gentle but firm as they pushed your shoulders back onto the bed.

“But I need to see Alysane.” You had been crying for God knows how long. Your head felt as if it was about to explode and not a single thought seemed to be coherent. Everything was a mess and you needed someone to help you sort this out. There were only two people who could help you with that: Kita or Alysane. And seeing as your feelings for Kita were pretty much the reason behind your distress, he was probably not the best choice.

“She hasn't come to see me yet.” You felt like a sulking child. You probably sounded like one, too. “Why hasn't she come to see me yet?” Your father had been here, your brother too. So why hadn't your best friend been there?

“I don't know, your highness.” Clara’s eyes avoided yours. Quickly, she moved to place the covers over your chest again. Oh, but she did know. And you knew that she knew. If anyone in the whole castle knew, it had to be the maid who gossiped with everyone, about everything. She probably knew any news before even your father did.

“Why hasn't she come to see me?” You asked again, this time more intently.

She still avoided your now piercing gaze. “I'm not supposed to tell you.”

That was it. You have had enough of people telling you what was right and wrong! You swung your legs out of your bed, pushed her to the side and rushed out of the room.

“Princess?” Kita sounded almost panicked. “Where are you-? I don't think you are supposed to-”

“I do not care what I'm supposed to! I want to see my friend, so I will see my friend!” Your scream echoed off the walls of the hallway. This was improper behavior for a Lady. For a princess, this was horrific behavior. But what did that matter now? What did any of your behavior matter now that you had fallen in love with your knight? There was nothing you could do that could be worse. At least not in the eyes of your father, your brother, every other Lord and Lady in the kingdom. Everyone else, too. They would all think that it was a bad, distasteful thing for you to do. Oh, if they only knew that it was the best thing you had ever done.

“You need to rest.” Kita held onto your arm.

He was right. You were weak and could already feel your knees getting weaker every moment. The rush you had gotten just a few seconds ago was wearing off and left you feeling even worse than before.

“Please,” you begged him. “Please tell me what is wrong.”

You could see the pain in his eyes. What was hurting him so much? And what could you do to help him?

“You are not the only one Garret wanted to kill today,” Kita whispered. He couldn't even look at you. But he still caught you when your knees finally gave in.

-> Next Chapter

21 notes · View notes

butterflydm · 1 year

Text

wot reread: the gathering storm (prologue - chapter 6)

spoilers through the gathering storm.

Okay, here we go. Ready to head into the last three books. My own memory of reading these books should not necessarily be trusted, lol, as I have learned with my reread as a whole and how different many of my opinions & beliefs are from what they were before. Some things were confirmed for me (yep, Tuon was a huge waste of potential) but other things were contradicted (nope, Mat is not a Bad Friend like he gets represented by much of fandom, but has been incredibly loyal throughout the series, even after Rand kinda starts being an asshole to him). So this will be interesting for me, to see how much I may have remembered or forgotten.

1. So this first section of the prologue seems mostly about setting up the Bad Vibes that are coming with the Last Battle. A farmer in the Borderlands sees strange clouds, has a vision, and decides it’s time to turn his scythe into a weapon (along with other people around him). I assume this is Rand being unwittingly ta’veren at people en masse, inspiring them to head north to help with the Last Battle (though that begs... several questions).

2. *sigh* Once again, we are all about being inside the slavers’ heads and not caring about the slaves. Next PoV section is a sul’dam. I am just... tired of sul’dam at this point. Okay, anyway, they’re freaking out because their damane have been shielded by Rand. This is apparently an extension of Rand’s ending scene in KoD, from the PoV of one of the sul’dam of that battle, because she talks about Rand losing his hand and then “picking it up like a glove”. I’m gonna try to get past my now-instinctive annoyance with all things Seanchan and see if I can figure out the purpose of this scene.

3. “The promise of freedom might be part of some scheme” seems like such a twisted line to put into the mouth of a slaver, just saying. “Freedom” for her but not for the women that she views as tools and pets.

4. Again it is so frustrating that Nynaeve doesn’t spill the sul’dam secret here, just like it was frustrating at the end of Knife of Dreams! She wants to heal the injured damane, she hates that Rand is sending them back into slavery, so why is she giving a helping hand to the Seanchan Empire by not spilling the damn sul’dam secret to the Dragon Reborn? And the sul’dam likely wouldn’t even believe her, at least not now, so it’s not like the actual scene would change that much! (but Rand would believe her and then maybe he would have some options) Jordan was stacking the deck as hard in favor of the Seanchan as possible and he also just HATED anyone sharing useful information with Rand ever, at any time.

5. Yeah, this scene was definitely written by Jordan because I’m getting just as pissed off about Rand’s storyline as I was at the end of Knife of Dreams, lol. I feel like I could have guessed this scene was by Jordan even if I didn’t already know, because I am so annoyed at Nynaeve carrying around the Idiot Ball of protesting against Rand’s decision but not giving him any reasons to make a different one, even though SHE KNOWS THINGS that he doesn’t know. This is definitely Jordan’s CoT/KoD energy. Just. Talk to Rand. About the actionable information that you have! Rather than refusing because Women Only Talk About Important Things To Women and Men Only Talk About Important Things To Men. I am hitting you with a pillow in my head, Nynaeve. Please know that.

6. ...what the actual fuck. Rand is completely letting the Seanchan off the hook for being terrible and blaming everything on Semirhage (”I rest more easily, now”). What the fuck? They are still SLAVERS, Rand. Anyway, he talks here about how he MUST have peace which... I’ve talked about this before but giving Rand this attitude kinda completely nullifies any plot need for Mat to marry Tuon. Rand is already prepared to roll over for the Seanchan, with no need for a marriage tie to convince him. The Mat-Tuon marriage is just so completely pointless in every possible way, because Rand was willing to bend regardless and ready to hand Tuon the keys to the kingdom, essentially.

7. ...have I mentioned recently that I really hate the direction that Jordan decided to go with the Seanchan in CoT & KoD? Man, it was such an intense and interesting storyline with fascinating (though horrific) throughlines all the way through Winter’s Heart, and then Jordan salted the cake instead of using sugar and now the whole storyline is just... inedible and deserves nothing but being tossed in the trash.

8. On the plus side, the sul’dam doesn’t think about the male a’dam even once, so it’s possible that Semirhage actually DID duplicate them herself and Rand was able to confiscate her entire stash, leaving none for Slaver Overlord back in Ebou Dar. On the minus side... everything else in this scene.

9. Oh, it’s Tylee. Perrin’s slaver BFF and the person that he sold 200+ women to. If you’ll recall from Knife of Dreams, he’s chill that she’s a slaver because she was nice to him personally and helped him out, so he didn’t care about what she might be doing to anyone else because slavery is just too hard to fight, y’all. Perrin Aybara: moral integrity of swiss cheese. Anyway, it’s been two weeks, Tylee’s missing her BFF and hoping she doesn’t have to face him across a battlefield later on; echoes of Mat & Tuon lol. Oh, yeah, and the hauntings that Elayne & her people were experiencing in Knife of Dreams (I think) are affecting the Seanchan now too. It is a little funny that, because of when they landed, Tylee & lots of the Seanchan just think that the Westlands is a place where food rots really really quickly, not knowing that it’s the Dark One’s touch.

10. Oh, nice the Seanchan army gets attacked by Trollocs! Sweet move by the Dark One. I approve. This is like when the gholam killed Tylin. I can’t imagine why I would possibly be upset that the invading slaver army is getting killed off by the ‘bad guys’. Theory time: before Jordan decided to go all-in on alliances, turning the Seanchan army into chaos makes sense as to where he was potentially planning to go with them, at least for me? We’ve seen the results of a complete breakdown of society among the Aiel, and seeing that begin among the Seanchan as a result of the sul’dam secret being openly revealed would have a great deal of sense as a plotline, and it would have taken them out of the equation so that Rand wasn’t fighting battles on two fronts. There’s not really any need for the Seanchan troops to bolster the Westland troops in the Last Battle -- the Dark One literally only has as many people/Shadowspawn fighting on its side as the author decides. That’s a completely flexible number.

idk idk, it’s hard to say where Jordan was planning to go with the plotline originally except it feels like he radically changed his mind between Winter’s Heart and Crossroads of Twilight.

11. Checking in with Graendal. Let’s see... her deal was that she was sowing chaos by sending very bad orders to Ituralde by pretending they were from his king, and then Moridin snatched her up and said she had to work for him now. This section essentially works as a catch-up on the Plot Thus Far from the Forsaken’s point of view. Okay, the purpose of the Forsaken gathering is that Mesaana and Demandred want to rescue Semirhage from Rand. Demandred seems to care more about getting to Lews Therin/Rand than actually saving Semirhage, though. Anyway, Moridin is pissed off (his hand hurts lol) and tells them that they are absolutely NOT to rescue Semirhage under any circumstances. After Mesaana and Demandred leave, he lets Graendal know that Rand is going to Arad Doman and that she must make certain that he does not establish peace there (but don’t hurt him or kill him).

12. Oh, nice, Ituralde pulled a reverse Trojan Horse on the Seanchan army that was going after him. (this is the... northern front of the Seanchan? The northwestern front?) Though, honestly, it’s almost frustrating to see him still doing so well when I know his PASSIONATE AND SINCERE DEFENSE OF HIS HOME ends up getting cut off at the knees because We Must Ally With The Slavers At All Costs. I bet if someone told Ituralde about the sul’dam secret, he’d have been able to do something useful with it.

13. Sanderson gets rid of the first of many dangling plot threads by having Faile unceremoniously kill Masema rather than dragging that story out any longer. Good for her, etc. Done and dusted. I do have to laugh a little bit about Faile telling everyone not to tell Perrin, because Perrin can sell two hundred women into slavery but isn’t willing to kill a man who has created a murderous cult (despite being fully willing to kill people at other times). I mean, that does track with how he behaved in the last few books.

14. And now we are out of the prologue and into the main story, starting with a Rand PoV. We pick up with him in Arad Doman, where he can feel that Aviendha is getting closer. I find it... somewhat sad that this section here is the first time we’ve really gotten Rand thinking in depth on the bonding, at least from what I recall. Elayne bonded Rand with the three of them back in Winter’s Heart and we NEVER got Rand’s emotional reaction to that (or his emotional reaction to sleeping with Elayne!). He notes their worry and thinks that he can’t regret letting them bond him, even though he should. And he thinks about how he’s ‘using’ Min here, which is a very interesting tie-in (for me) to his regrets about ‘using’ Mat back in The Fires of Heaven (Min has sometimes superficially felt like “a Mat that Rand is allowed to sleep with” at times, in terms of how she’s been treated in the story -- lots of knives, has protested they aren’t a hero, treated as an emotional connection to Rand’s past, though that feels a lot more honest for Mat than Min). In terms of the “Min forcing herself into a pleasing mold for Rand” watch, we learn that she’s recently taken to bathing with lavender soaps. Rand notes that he finds it somewhat odd that Min dresses up her trousers & shirts with lace... which is hilarious, because she’s literally only doing it for him and his internal thought on it is “???”. Hey, Min. Maybe if you. Maybe if you had a conversation with Rand about your relationship, you’d find out that he liked you just fine the way you were, before you started making yourself miserable and dolling yourself up for him every day. Just a thought.

15. It’s so hilarious that Min manages to sound jealous when talking about how Rand is thinking about Semirhage, the Forsaken who is currently his prisoner. She’s got a gift. “You’re thinking about her again.” I would have respected Min so much more as a character if she’d just shanked Semirhage herself and then dealt with the fallout of how that affected her relationship with Rand. Honestly, what is the point of all her hidden knives if NOT to kill someone unexpectedly. But Min is very much a reactive/passive character when it comes to plot beats, so she just worries uselessly instead and damsels around the place.

16. He takes a moment to think about Elayne and what he can sense of her emotions from this far away -- he thinks that she’s relieved, which makes him hope that she’s won the throne, or closer to it. Okay, at this point in time, Rand is thinking about how he needs to make a truce with the Seanchan for the Last Battle but “after that, the Light could burn them all”. So Rand isn’t currently operating under any kind of belief at this point that the Seanchan aren’t worth fighting. He actually.. and I’m curious if this is from Jordan’s notes or if this bit was pre-written or if it’s all Sanderson, because I don’t think Jordan ever has Rand think about this clearly in the earlier books, but here it’s clear that the reason Rand believes full-bore that he MUST have peace with the Seanchan is because of what the ‘Finn told him (honestly, between this and Mat’s marriage prophecy, the ‘Finn carried a lot of water for the Seanchan -- I guess we shouldn’t be surprised that 'Finn, some of whom wear human skin, are fans of slavers, lol). That does make his choice here more understandable -- Rand has been prophecy-obsessed for books -- but it still means that Mat’s marriage is completely pointless from a narrative or tactical standpoint, lol. I wonder if that’s why Jordan decided to go for a ~romance~ angle for Mat? Because he realized that he’d voided out the narrative and tactical reasons, but the prophecy was already out there in the text, so he kinda had to figure out a new angle?

17. Hey. Hey, Min. You also know the sul’dam secret. You’ve been hanging out with Rand since Lord of Chaos and banging him since A Crown of Swords, and are really the one person who has most intimately witnessed how incredibly difficult this entire war against the Seanchan has been for him and how he’s failed at trying to stop them... could you maybe give him some useful information between all the sex? Maybe take a break from telling Rand’s secrets to Cadsuane and tell the Seanchan’s secrets to Rand instead. Just a thought.

18. Next up is Egwene, and serving Elaida this night at dinner. Ah, the first sentence is a reminder of all the corporal punishment that happens at the White Tower. And we can’t even blame this on Elaida, because the White Tower was like this before, and back twenty years ago in New Spring. And the Wise Ones are like this too. This was very much a Jordan thing (likely carried over from how he ‘learned’ at the Citadel). Note that even Egwene doesn’t think that beating your students is actually a bad thing in any way. She sees herself still crying when she gets beaten as a personal weakness that she needs to train out of herself, but thinks that Silviana is just ~doing her duty~ when she beats people to the point of tears.

19. Egwene is doing her best to point out the dissent and cracks that already exist in the Tower as a result of Elaida’s leadership, and feels like she’s getting through to people. Egwene is still getting forkroot every day, and almost always has two Red Ajah Sisters as ~guards~, specifically Katerine and Barasine, it sounds like, who are part of the group who captured her originally. Egwene has also been doing what she can to remind the Tower of Elaida’s ‘failures’ (like not successfully capturing Rand, and the failure of her force that was sent to subdue to the Black Tower). We also learn that the Dark One’s touch is increasing here too, with hallways shifting locations and now an actual tapestry changing to be more violent and bloody. Egwene has learned the wisdom of not stretching herself too thin - “ You scrubbed a floor clean by first picking a single spot and getting to work”.

20. As Egwene is arriving Elaida’s quarters, a ‘haunted’ Gray Sister is leaving. Is this the ‘ferret’ sent from Salidar who got commandered by the Black Ajah hunters and blackmailed into honeytrapping Elaida?

21. lol, the Amrylin’s quarters that Egwene imagines that Siuan must have had sound way more ~spy-focused~ than I remember Siuan’s quarters actually being. She had the one box that was set to destroy important papers if anyone else opened it, I think, and then just simple furnishings for the rest.

22. Egwene being certain that she would have taken Green (which is also the Ajah she pretended to be in Cairhien) -- honestly, would not pick that Ajah for her and it really feels like it’s left-over from Jordan basically deciding that Green is the Liking Men Ajah and Red is the Hating Men Ajah and everyone else is chopped liver, lol. Egwene just does not vibe Green for me at all! Brown for love of learning, White for finding legal loopholes, or Blue for ~vibes~ and dedicating herself to a cause all seem like they would suit her better. But she wants to marry the man she’d like to take as a Warder so... Green it is.

23. Oh, yeah, the Gray sister is Meidani, and Egwene recognizes her name as belonging to one of the ‘ferrets’, and Egwene is here to be Elaida’s server at her dinner date with poor Meidani, who deserved better than being blackmailed into spending time with Elaida. Egwene notes that Meidani looks terrified! (does Elaida not notice Meidani’s fear because she’s self-centered or does she enjoy it because she’s sadistic? the question of the hour. Ah, soon answered. She’s enjoying Meidani’s fear).

24. When Meidani mentions that some Sisters are worrying over the Seanchan (a worry that Elaida dismisses), we get a vivid reminder from Egwene’s memories of how hellish her experience with the Seanchan was and how monstrous they are to women who can channel -- she STILL gets PTSD flashbacks from her time in the collar and has not-too-deeply-buried trauma from it. I genuinely wish I could go back in time and get Jordan to answer some pointed questions about what the POINT of all this was? It’s so weird to me that the ‘boys’ and the ‘girls’ are being given such RADICALLY different vibes in their respective Seanchan-related interactions, starting in Crossroads of Twilight (Mat’s vibes with them are pretty horror-based in Winter’s Heart). Was it meant to be a critique on how so-called ‘good’ people are actually sometimes willing to support evil as long as the evil doesn’t hit close enough to home? But the evil SHOULD have been hitting close enough to home, at least for Rand and Mat, because Mat and Rand both care deeply about specific women who can channel! Mat grew up with Egwene & Nynaeve; he had a whole book about becoming friends with Elayne; he knows that his little sister can channel! Rand is literally IN LOVE with two women who can channel! Just... ???

25. Egwene blames Elaida here for everything that’s gone wrong and... eh. Elaida IS a bad leader but she was put into place as an unwitting puppet by the Black Ajah (so she foils/mirrors both Egwene and Rand -- Rand worries a lot in the early books that he will be turned into a puppet, and Egwene was raised to Amyrlin Seat with the intention of being used as a puppet), so removing Elaida might help a bit, but removing the Black Ajah would help more.

26. I like Egwene’s moment with Meidani here a lot -- she reassures her, gives her something solid to stand on to give her a bit of courage, validates the trauma that Meidani has undergone during her time back in the White Tower. This is a really good little moment here, that shows Egwene as a genuinely good leader. And I also like Egwene using deep breathing to help herself calm her own anger.

27. Serving Elaida at dinner has changed Egwene’s focus -- it’s more important (in her PoV) to keep her attention on holding the Tower together rather than removing Elaida from power, as she believes that Elaida will overreach and remove herself from power. I mean, again... I kinda gotta give Egwene an “eh” on this analysis too. Elaida has been able to force a LOT of things into being that go against Tower custom, so I’m not so sure as Egwene is that she would eventually just go ‘too far’ and get pulled down by the Hall.

28. It’s interesting to me that Rand laughing in the box during Lord of Chaos was meant to mark an internal ‘breaking’ point for him & LTT but Egwene laughing while being beaten is meant to mark an internal ‘breakthrough’ (in a positive way). Honestly not sure what it means in the narrative tbh. It’s positioned here as Egwene finally understanding what embracing pain means (as the Aiel say to do).

29. We go from Egwene Thinking Like An Aiel (TM) to an Aviendha chapter. Aw, it’s sweet that Aviendha is trying to see the Domani refugees from Elayne’s perspective and not just her own. We also once again here have the vibe of Rand-Elayne-Aviendha being one complete relationship (with Rand-Min being a completely separate relationship). That’s really the vibe that Rafe needs to break down in order to make the four-person relationship not feel like a harem. Because here, Aviendha thinks about how she plans to marry Rand with Elayne and doesn’t spare a single thought for Min (and why would she, tbh? she’s met Min ONCE). But it’s just so weird that there’s a narrative expectation that Aviendha and Elayne need to be close and be first-sisters in order to both be with Rand, but Min can do whatever and is never touched by the limits or cultural rules that bind other people or even by Rand’s own protectiveness. Min doesn’t need to be Aviendha’s first-sister; Min doesn’t fall under the category of “avoid her to protect her”. That contributes both to the harem vibes of Min being a completely separate relationship, and also to the vibes of Min being a plot device instead of a character that other people might actually interact with and have expectations about.

30. Honestly, this whole song-and-dance about how Aviendha can’t approach Rand until she ~earns honor~ just feels kinda silly. Rand, Aviendha, Elayne, and Min all CONFESSED THEIR LOVE and BONDED. She is INSIDE HIS HEAD. It’s just plain silly that she’s been moved into Rand’s plotline and proceeds to completely avoid him (and equally silly that Rand just passively allows Aviendha to avoid him while having sex with Min every night... sadly, it’s completely in character for Min to jealously hoard Rand. So far, Min has had one moment of selflessness in this entire relationship and, even then, she ended up being the person who has benefited the most from bonding Rand). This is a place where I do think that Jordan might have written things differently, simply because it makes zero sense to send Rand, Aviendha, & Min all to Arad Doman if it’s not to actually forge together that specific neglected side of the relationship. Aviendha and Min should be bonding! Rand and Aviendha should be spending time together (including sex! Aviendha doesn’t have hang-ups about sex before marriage and now things are good with Elayne, so it should be go time). Aviendha going to the place where Rand is only to not hang out with Rand at all is... just a bizarre narrative choice (especially when we get to The Event later on; at that point it’s ridiculous that Aviendha wouldn’t come running).

31. Okay, as the Aiel approach the place where Rand is, Amys... sort of grills Aviendha, and we get this weird “Min will be easy to work with/we will reach accommodation” conversation where they feel more like they’re going to be business partners than sharing in a romantic relationship with the same person. Again, yeah, it’s just so weird that Min exists in this odd bubble all on her own. Aviendha believed that she and Elayne NEEDED to be first-sisters in order to share Rand, but Min is just... idk, going to be over there somewhere, I guess. I do like Aviendha’s semi-annoyed thoughts that she loves Rand because of HER choice, not because of Min’s viewing. This is a major reason why I like Aviendha’s relationship with Rand more than Min’s with Rand. Min-Rand (and, of course, Mat-Tuon) is very much “prophecy first and then force the love to happen by brainwashing yourself into it because you don’t think you have a choice” and I’m... not into that vibe, essentially.

32. I like the actual tone and vibe of Aviendha’s PoV here -- I just feel like it should have been followed up with actual Rand-Aviendha interactions in this book. This PoV itself actually vibes really well with Egwene’s last PoV and I definitely see why they decided to place them next to each other.

33. Oh, hey, @markantonys - I’m at your boy’s first PoV chapter in this book! lol, anyway, Gawyn is watching some of the... rebels’ army? It sounds like. I’m pretty sure he has zero clue that Egwene has been captured by the White Tower. Pretty sure he’s on an information diet. Gawyn does know that the general he’s faced against here is Gareth Bryne. Gawyn is struggling with his duty. Gawyn really is... he kinda is one of the purest examples of someone who is actually faced with what we’re constantly told Rand is bringing to everyone everywhere -- the emotional turmoil and chaos amid breaking old ties and forging new ones. Because Gawyn thinks here that Bryne ‘should’ be with Elayne in Caemlyn, then immediately asks himself, well, where should I be?

34. This actually continues the theme from Egwene through Aviendha and now to Gawyn -- so far, we’ve had a series of characters considering themselves, their duty, their honor, and their strengths. Questioning the foundations of what they know about themselves. Egwene ‘finds’ herself through embracing pain and dedicating herself to her duty; Aviendha wonders why the Wise Ones treat her as if she has no honor; Gawyn thinks here -- he wasn’t certain he had duty, or honor, left to him.

35. Anyway, I’m glad that Gawyn has slowed down enough to give himself a chance to actually, um. Think. His duty is to Elayne and Egwene, he thinks here, so why is he on the side that is opposed to them? SUCH a good question, Gawyn. He’s thinking through why Elaida might have put him here, outside the city, when his Younglings can’t possibly actually make a dent in the rebels’ army. The gears in his head are turning! Genuinely, I am very pleased, lol. Will of the Amrylin or not, this was a deathtrap. Argh, no, after all that thinking and questioning, he rides back to his camp. GAWYN. YOU WERE SO CLOSE.

36. Rand next. “What he wanted no longer mattered.” Hmm. Rand is thinking about this in the context of how he is constantly surrounded by Aes Sedai these days but. Hmm. Rand thinks about Mat, as you do, and is given a vision of Mat dicing. Rand hopes that they will be reunited soon. I am stabbing the narrative with shearing scissors.

37. So, Rand is currently hanging out with Bashere. Whose wife was almost killed recently. And who then agreed to talk to a mysterious person because his wife almost died. I’m just putting that out there.

38. I genuinely loved Rand’s conversation with Harine here. It felt like it had give-and-take, though we can see how Rand is definitely on the edge of exhaustion and impatient, and it’s nice to have a Sea Folk character who is actually having a conversation with someone instead of just trying to browbeat them. He asks her how the Atha’an Miere handle men who can channel and then (when he finds out that, unsurprisingly, it’s a death sentence, either immediate or somewhat lingering) tries to talk to her about saidin being clean now and how that means that the way people treat male channelers needs to be changed. Literally! Why did it take so long for any conversations about this to happen in the books? Why was Rand just lazing around for two books post-cleansing when he could have been doing PR like this? Again, yeah, I really like this conversation! He believes he’s going to die at Shayol Ghul, so he’s not doing this for himself. He’s doing this for the other men who are like him, and all the ones who will follow. This is a really good moment. And we can see the turmoil (and the LTT memories!) in Rand in this moment, as he tries to convince her that saidin is clean and that more men don’t need to die to protect the world (just him). And it feels like we’re really getting into his head so far, re: LTT’s memories and him thinking about the bonding earlier.

39. Literally this chapter of Rand’s PoV has been TUGGING at my HEARTSTRINGS. Rand worrying that his death will lead to destruction and turmoil among the nations because he’s strung them so tightly together! Regretting that he didn’t help the world during the last breaking because he was so consumed by what he’d done and his grief and guilt over Ilyena! Rand worried about men who can channel still facing hatred and death sentences! Rand talking with Elza (lol) and Corele about the taint being gone and yet people not acting as if it is and Corele being frank and honest but also KIND with him. And we ARE still on theme from the previous three chapters -- duty is heavier than a mountain. Rand thinks here about how duty binds him as tightly as prophecy does. And Rand’s thoughts here on wanting to leave the world a better place very much echo Egwene’s thoughts on how she wants to focus on holding the White Tower together and rebuilding it rather than being arrow-focused on bringing down Elaida. Your duty is to the future and not the past.

40. I don’t care about Semirhage’s interrogation by Cadsuane because Semirhage should have just been killed at the end of Knife of Dreams. Things in the section that I DO care about -- how is Merise and Narishma’s relationship as Aes Sedai & bonded Asha’man going? Oooh, Cadsuane feels like Merise is ~flaunting~ having an Asha’man Warder. Going well, then? Seems to be going well enough.

41. See, I do like Ituralde’s PoV sections but... they should have been Mat’s. MAT should be the main general/soldier PoV that we see. Mat should never have been yeeted off into the Seanchan storyline; it’s just been so ill-fitting and annoying, and Jordan had to introduce a new PoV character just to give us the “war sucks” kind of storyline that Mat’s memories and situation were literally invented to give us. Mat just... every time he leaves a storyline, he leaves such big holes that require MULTIPLE people to try to patch up and fill. When he left Rand, he needed to be replaced by both Bashere and Min. When he left Elayne, there was a whole completely random army and ~dashing commander~ who showed up who had never been mentioned before to fill the spot in her plotline that would have been better suited to Mat & the Band. And Mat should have been the general fighting AGAINST the Seanchan and coming up with clever tactics against them, not the court jester capering for the slaver overlord’s disdainful amusement. Endless, ENDLESS sighs over the direction that Jordan decided to go with Mat’s plotline.

42. “Abandoning ones’ homeland to invaders... well, Ituralde couldn’t do that. Not even if the fight was impossible to win.” Honor and duty, even onto death. The theme continues. The note here, “the ravens had begun” (their work of eating the carrion of the battlefield) - perhaps is the reason that Jordan decided to make the Seanchan’s main symbol the same as the Shadow’s - the Prince of Ravens is the prince of the butcher’s bill after a battle (which possibly also leads into another name).

(to borrow the question Gawyn asked himself -- where is YOUR honor, Mat? where is your duty? It’s not in the arms of the woman who invaded your homeland, despises your friends, would enslave your family. Cords of duty and prophecy but, while in Rand’s case, both prophecy and duty drag him towards Shayol Ghul, in Mat’s case, they each pull in opposite directions. Duty, loyalty, and honor say that he should be by Rand’s side during the Last Battle. Prophecy demands he abandon his homeland to allow it to be ripped apart by the ravens. So, Mat, why does your prophecy ask that you abandon duty, loyalty and honor... and why do you allow yourself to follow that prophecy when it tells you to sacrifice everything to the blood-soaked avatar of war and death? where is your duty, Mat Cauthon?)

43. lol, I feel like this bit here with Leane and Egwene is Sanderson poking at one of Jordan’s oddities/kinks -- “Odd, how a novice to be instructed could be beaten but a prisoner to be interrogated could not.” IT REALLY IS, Sanderson. It really is. (I mean, it could be Jordan poking fun at himself but. It kinda vibes like someone else) Anyway, the Weird Relocations caused by the Dark One are increasing. That’s the main thing in this section.

Notes for this section: it’s confirmed in Sanderson’s retrospective that the first two parts of the prologue -- the farmer and the sul’dam -- were written by Jordan.

#wot reread #the gathering storm #wot #wheel of time #wot book spoilers #wot spoilers #the wheel of time #rand al'thor #egwene al'vere #aviendha #gawyn trakand #i also manage to talk about #mat cauthon #despite him not appearing in this section

65 notes · View notes