#and i’ve given it a lot of thought and analysed it for myself from both main povs | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

lostfracturess · 2 months

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Hi I apologize in advance for the rant you’re about to read 😬

Okay, so I’ve been going on endless rants about angst and how writers tend to fall back on the same tropes and how exhausting it is for readers, and I almost didn’t read the most recent chapter of symptoms and causes because you’d said how angsty it was going to be.

That being said, the reason I’m sending this is because you’ve done what so many people fail to do: write angst that didn’t leave me feeling hopeless and empty at the end. The promise of an eventual happy ending definitely helps, but the anguish you write for these characters just fits the situation so well. And you’ve written it so that a happy ending actually feels possible. The mentality, how broken and terrified they both are. The trauma Gojo clearly has and the love the fact that she loves him anyway. The fact that she withdrew and gave them both space but he can’t stay away, and she loves him too much to send him away. You’ve made them worth rooting for. You’ve made him a character that can be redeemed and given readers a desire to see him redeemed because in everything, his choices that end up being selfish are literally driven by his desire to protect others from himself. Self-destructive mental illness, man.

I think what makes your writing compelling, at least to me, is that you seem to understand when enough is enough. You didn’t reach the point of no return and dive headfirst off that cliff, you stopped just short of that point and gave enough hope that things will come back around. I just want to see them happy, man. Gojo feels so deeply that he doesn’t deserve happiness or love but he does. Even with how broken he is, he deserves to find the strength to fix himself. And that feels like what you’re setting up. It feels like you’re setting up the “I will learn to fix myself because this person is worth living for” instead of the idea of “this person is the one who saved me.” IMO the latter is one that feeds the toxic issues because it’s based codependency and being unable to function without the other. I love the idea of her standing beside him while he learns to love himself, not carrying him to it. (I’ll stop here because I could go on forever about that)

Just. Hi, I’m Kiko (aka @siriuslysatorusimping). I rant a lot and I love writing that dives into the psychology behind things. The way you’ve captured what an internal spiral can look like, the panic, it’s all just 😭

(Also, hi, I’m Kiko. I’m autistic and adhd af and I tend to over explain and over justify because I always want to make sure I’m not coming across as rude when I’m trying to give genuine compliments so I hope this reads as praise and not me being a bitch 🙃)

hey kiko, no apologies needed at all, i really love your analyses actually !! never thought about it too much how angst can become too overwhelming for readers, because my tolerance for angst is like sky high so i'm even more glad that i didn't ? overdo it.

but the anguish you write for these characters just fits the situation so well.

so glad that the drama they go through feels (partly) real for readers. that's really my biggest concern, that their motives and actions don't feel natural?

The fact that she withdrew and gave them both space but he can’t stay away, and she loves him too much to send him away. You’ve made them worth rooting for.

ahhh so glad you noticed that !! she was really ready to fight it all but then instead noticed how he is struggling and if she would push him more (what she would have loved to do) it really would have just gone the other opposite way.

but when he's at her door, she still lets him in and takes care of him, because even if she resents him, she still cares so deeply. that's also why she asked him if he had nightmares. because she still cares.

his choices that end up being selfish are literally driven by his desire to protect others from himself.

yes 100 percent !!

I love the idea of her standing beside him while he learns to love himself, not carrying him to it.

yes yes yes !! i totally wanted to write a female lead who will not hold his hand and sweet-talk to him about his addiction because apparently he's really shitty deep into it. she will mirror him the hard truth about his issues without second thought even if it hurts.

because otherwise he would just keep up his avoidant behaviors. but that's also what scares the hell out of him, because he's not used to, firstly face his fears at all and secondly to have it so clearly mirrored back at him, at least not in this intensity.

guess in his past his previous partners and friends just tiptoed around the issue but not her. she's like, okay we have this issue here, how we solve it, because i want you and i want you to stay alive apparently.

but after he rejected her again after she literally confessed her love to him it really was too much for her. even the strongest female leads have limits so that hurt her awfully. (okay lol no i went on with my babbling, i'll stop here 😂).

The way you’ve captured what an internal spiral can look like, the panic, it’s all just

also so so happy you picked up on the nuances of the mental health struggles i'm trying to depict. that kind of internal spiraling, the way anxiety and self-loathing can warp a person's perception.

i love messy emotions and diving deeper into how they affect literally everything that we do, even without us knowing !!

thank you so so much for taking your precious time to share your thoughts, i really appreciate it and love talking about the psychology behind the story !! have a good day ♡

and no worries, your message absolutely reads as sincere praise, not at all rude !!

#inbox #symptoms and causes

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wishblown · 2 months

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The narrative that unfolds over the next five chapters is about the dead, but of course all stories about the dead are really about the living.

— Erin-Marie Legacey; Making Space for the Dead

January Reads!

On Women by Susan Sontag — 4/5: really solid collection of essays, definitely worth getting your hands on; especially to have them all in one place and to be able to draw connections. Sontag’s first essay of this particular collection (The Double Standard of Aging) is probably my favourite and the perfect opener; so concise, doesn’t sugarcoat, quintessential Sontag. The Salmagundi Interview was super interesting to read as well, as were her responses to other feminist critics/writers of the time. Even when I find myself disagreeing with Sontag, there’s still something gained from being able follow along her argument.

Making Space for the Dead by Erin-Marie Legacey — 4.75/5: I got this from the library after the author was a guest on a podcast I listen to and the way she talked about her work and this book in particular just fascinated me — the book did not disappoint! fantastic read if you’re at all interested in urban burial culture (in France) particularly around the time of the French Revolution. not much prior knowledge necessary as (historical) context is mostly given and explained. the way Legacey takes you through time is so interesting, sometimes funny (bc it’s about people), pretty gory at times, and oftentimes even touching. so glad I read this! even helped me learn more about (post-)Revolutionary France

War of the Foxes by Richard Siken — 5/5: have read this collection so many times at this point, I always take it with me when I move somewhere even when it’s only a temporary home just to have it by my side (and for poetry/life emergencies). still as important to me as it was when I first read it as a teenager, I’m just discovering new parts, patterns, meanings, familiarities.

Crush by Richard Siken — 5/5: what’s there left to say. same as above. an essential. a need.

Kindred by Octavia E. Butler — 5/5: read this together with a friend as part of our long-distance book club as we’d both been meaning to get into Butler’s work for some time now. it’s also so fun to read something at the same time as them and hear their thoughts on what we’ve been reading, especially when it’s a complex novel such as Kindred. what made this extra fun was that the edition I got from the library had discussion questions for classrooms at the end so we actually ended up kinda going through those as well. (my friend’s a literature grad and super smart and well read so it’s always so enlightening to hear their thoughts). this has been a long tangent about the tiniest book club. Kindred is a masterpiece! Butler’s voice is so different to a lot of other writers I’ve read, less descriptive, ‘poetic’ writing, more matter of fact, telling you how it is, which results in removing some of the barriers between narrator and reader especially in intense scenes. She does this without ever losing the reader though, you’re still right there, just without the ‘flowery’ language and the separation that metaphors can create bc Butler simply has no need for them and kinda also does not allow you to flee into ‘prettier’ words (hopefully that makes sense; Butler’s writing was just so distinct to me). And her characters! The nuance and depth she creates, for some in just a few short scenes. As someone who’s read a fair amount of scifi and time travel literature I’ve also really liked how it was done here, how the time travel was instrumentalised. Incredible work, I’m so glad I finally got around to reading it.

Pick Me Girls by Sophie Passmann — 4.5/5: not quite a memoir but not a book that tries to speak for everyone either (which is one of the issues some took with it I think). Passmann goes over her own history as a ‘pick me’ and analyses the phenomenon through her personal experiences and a feminist lense. some of the conclusions she comes to are interesting and I liked that she was critical with her own past actions whilst recognising the circumstances that led to her behaviour and that it’s ok to know and do better now. it’s a call for women to perhaps dare to be pick mes in the way that they should allow themselves to pick themselves and be loud and how it’s okay to try to be unique (if you’re not simply trying to separate yourself from other women for the sake of it) if that’s what it takes to free yourself from the need to please others. it’s not a bad read at all if you’re aware that the author isn’t trying to speak for everyone.

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shoutingbehindanonymity · 1 year

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The Venting of a Sad (Maybe Almost) Grad

I am entering the second semester of my seventh year of my personality psychology doctoral program. Despite still collecting data, I need to complete my dissertation and successfully defend it by the end of this year since both my funding will run out and I would go beyond my school’s allotted time to degree should I not.

I am possibly so close to finishing this program and earning that fabled degree. But all I feel is regret, dread, and fear.

Regret: The overwhelming feeling I have towards the last 6+ years is regret for screwing myself over in multiple ways. I am pretty sure that psychology did genuinely capture my interest at one point. However, aside from a slightly more notable yet vague interest in emotion due to my own problems, I did not really have a specific focus in it. I entered graduate school under the program of personality psychology specifically for how broad it is. I ended up making quantitative psychology my minor concentration due to wanting to challenge myself to master statistics and other mathematical aspects of psychological study, only to fall at that spectacularly and end up with somehow less knowledge and confidence in it. I did not work enough to retain the knowledge and sharpen the skills I was meant to develop during courses and I am lost and useless even in my very specific and practically useless dissertation topic, all while taking much more time than I should have and wasting my and everyone else’s time, energy, and hope. And all of this within a field that itself does not lend easily to career paths outside of pedaling the information to younger folk via academia. I’ve grown to resent personality psychology as a whole and much more so myself within it. I’ve wasted the time I should have spent developing professionally in a viable field or trade or skill or anything, as well as developing personally. My twenties are gone, and I have nothing to show for it but worse mental health and debt.

Dread: Even setting aside the regret, as I am sure everyone here can understand, I am filled with dread over the next couple of months regarding my dissertation. As I said before, I am still collecting data (which in itself is proving to be a large administration problem) and need to run the analyses, update my proposal, write the analyses and conclusion, work with my busy advisor for feedback, revise to an acceptable document, get the approval of my committee, and find out an alignment of their schedules for my defense before the middle of April. And I know how I am. Even with things being relatively calm at the moment (although they really shouldn’t be, I should be doing more), I am struggling a lot. I don’t see how I can get myself to get all of this done in time, and then actually pass the defense given my incompetence and the (necessary) critical nature of my committee that I saw during my defense. And to balance this with working as a research assistant with our major project underway, I doubt that I am the type of person to do this, the type of person to actually deserve a degree.

Fear: And even if I do manage to complete this, I am terrified of what is after. I will fully admit; even when I entered this program with the intent of staying in academia and becoming a professor, school has been a buffer for me. It allowed me to stay in the only environment I have really known and knew myself to excel in for too many years. But now even that has deteriorated as I find myself unable to recall even the basic information of my field, let alone conjure any critical or creative thought, while constantly making mistakes in the simplest work tasks. I’m now scared to tell people what I do because it immediately and rightfully prompts them to assume me to be knowledgeable and competent, a point I will soon get to again. And I hear the stories of my colleagues, far more brilliant and determined than I, getting screwed over in the job market once they graduated. About how earning a Ph.D. doesn’t make you a shoo-in for career opportunities but instead thrusts you into a hyper-competitive environment that relies on much more than what your program would have prepared you for, skills that I lack the capacity or competency to teach myself now. It only gets harder. And school has protected me when it shouldn’t have, giving me the leeway for mistakes and lowered expectations and doing nothing on the days where I can barely muster getting out of bed, luxuries I know I will not get again.

So even if I graduate, that just leaves an incompetent man wearing a coat of paint that suggests basic competency in the middle of a landscape demanding hyper-competency. Combine that with how I never filled the gap my dissolved interest in academia left and I am stuck feeling shitty whenever asked about what I want to do once this is done. What all this wasted time and opportunities was for. Why I chose to continue doing this to myself despite how much it hurt. It’s because I’m a coward without a will to go anywhere or do anything. I lack goals or vision or even interests at this point. I say that I can’t imagine myself being in any other position outside of school, but I mean that in the worst way. To be honest, as dramatic as this sounds, even now with a clear forced goal of doing my dissertation, it’s hard to keep going. And if I do graduate and those metaphorical bowling alley bumpers are dropped, no matter how hard or how many times I try, I can’t imagine myself living in the future beyond that point. Let alone a future in which I am actually content or fulfilled.

If you read this, I do actually appreciate it. I know it is just a bunch of whining and I am admittedly afraid of the possible reactions given my previous attempts at expressing this. I know that the problem is likely primarily me and not academia itself. I am not really sure what I am seeking by writing and posting this. Maybe just the chance for someone that knows grad school to even partially see my perspective and maybe show their own side or offer any advice from that point. Just tired of hearing the folk in my program, in their own unique ways, tell me that this is all entirely my imagined and self-generated fault and that nothing is actually wrong, at least nothing that I am justified in talking about.

#grad school #depression #venting

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virghogh · 3 years

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NCT Dream Birth Charts x Hexaco Results Analysis pt. 3

recently NCT Dream were on a new reality show called Mental Training Camp where they are doing a variety of activities and all of their behavior and interactions are being analyzed by professional psychologists

ofc my virgo sun mercury ass was thrilled and I had their birth charts pulled up the whole time to cross reference.

I wanted to share some of my personal thoughts on how the 2 might connect!

Thank you for all the support on the previous parts <3

part 1 // part 2 // part 3

**key: in the hexaco charts the blue represents the Dreamies, the orange is an average result of 300 college students who took the same test**

Haechan - “Popular and Ambitious”

✨gemini sun // leo moon // cancer mercury // gemini venus // gemini mars✨

they started Haechans analyses by labeling him as popular and ambitious, and even without looking at the hexaco or his birth chart these 2 traits are very easy to see in him. Haechans birth chart and hexaco are really interesting and almost refreshing to me because everything is so straightforward. I honestly think Haechan is a very what you see is what you get kind of person. I think the psychologists on the show were feeling some of that interest and refreshing feeling too because they described him as being very different from the rest of the group (and the college students), and kind of special. A somewhat rare personality.

the first thing they talked about was his insane level of extroversion. I have to say when I first saw that I choked on air a little. Not only is it just ridiculously high, but it’s also so obvious given his birth chart too. looking at the hexaco chart, the focus on extroversion and then how the other areas are either just around the average or below is very interesting to me. we saw something similar in a few of the previous dreamies too. Some of them had highly above average scores for one area and to me that says a lot about the dominant parts of their personality.

Looking at haechans birth chart, we all know he’s practically on par with Seventeens Hoshi for being an iconic gemini. Having such a social, extroverted and excitable sign in 3 different planets will certainly make someone extroverted, but charts have to be looked at as a whole as well and he’s also fortunate to have a leo moon because it doesn’t add any kind of introversion. He is a pure excitable, affectionate and social extrovert. His extroversion can be seen in the ways he’s very interested in whats happening “out there”. Gemini’s are very curious and restless and like to explore the world and environment around them, and have a lot to gain from connecting with people.

Right after they mentioned this though, they quickly added that it’s actually somewhat rare for highly extroverted people to be highly conscientious too. If you look at his hexaco his next highest scores are conscientiousness and openness. Even though gemini is a mutable sign and likes to try new things and stay entertained, they are some of the most determined people I’ve ever met. You do not want to get in between a Gemini and their work. Gemini is a very mental sign as well, they’re good with tasks and enjoy getting them done and focusing on their work. As well as his firey Leo moon. Leo is a sign that I often think can change quite a lot depending on the chart and houses but his with the gemini, is creating a highly focused, ambitious and driven person.

they described him as the “relief pitcher” for the team when in crisis. He’s the one that comes into the game for a round or 2 when things aren’t going well to secure their win, then steps back out. If this isn’t the most accurate description for haechan and gemini/leo?! Leo and Gemini are both highly intelligent signs, I feel like people don’t talk about that a lot with leo but it’s true! Also his combination of leo with gemini is interesting because sometimes people have drive, ambition and passion, but there are other placement that kind of complicate how it gets expressed. And they can’t always fulfill all of their desires and passions. But having all gemini and that one leo is really in his favor, he’s very “this is what I want, so I’m going to get it”. It’s easy for him. He can easily bring his ambitions to fruition which is why he’s the “relief pitcher”. It’s gemini magic and leo talent honestly.

this was the extent of what they said for Haechan but I have more I’d like to add!

his openness is on par with his conscientiousness and that is also no surprise because even though gemini gets a rep. for being “detached” it’s actually a fairly open sign too. What gemini is open about depends greatly on the other placements, and in haechans case with his only other influences being leo and cancer, he can easily be open about those traits and desires. The attention, validation, love and affection. They are all very big parts of him, and he also has no problem speaking his mind. But he also isn’t as obsessive as other leo and cancer combinations because of his overwhelming gemini. It’s very “in this second I want affection” and then the next second he’s over it. With haechan I’ve always found it interesting how he is so openly affectionate but it never seems like an unhealthy attachment thing? he isn’t reliant on it, and can easily go from wanting it, to not. It’s very uncomplicated. This is also part of the Gemini rep. they are very flighty and their minds change by the second, but are also very self-reliant and independent. This is also why his emotionality is low even though his openness is high. Again, I don’t think he’s an emotionally driven person, he’s just open with his desires.

tldr; talented, confident, skilled, self-sufficient and independent. He is driven by exploring the world and people around him, he enjoys making connections. Very open about his thoughts and needs, but emotionally uncomplicated. His drive and ambition is bottomless, never-ending. What he wants, he gets.

Jaemin - “Optimistic My Way”

✨leo sun // capricorn moon // leo mercury // virgo venus // leo mars✨

I would like to start by saying that Jaemin is the sole reason that it took me so long to get this post out. This boy has always, and probably always will, confuse the hell out of me. And I’m sure he likes it that way. Actually, I’m confident he likes it that way because he admitted to the psychologists that on the test they took he answered number 3 for every question, so he wouldn’t have to reveal too much about himself. This is why they labeled him as “my way”, very “do what I want” kind of person. They said he really made them use a lot of brain power, and I relate lol. Even outside of this post every time I watch nct dream I’m always trying to understand Jaemin. So here goes my best shot at understanding this man.

they mentioned jaemin is difficult and complicated, he’s hard to read, and he’s someone that cannot be perfectly described with one personality test. I agree, which is why I hope one day we can get those house placements please!

The first thing that caught my attention based off his chart is how small his blue hexagon is. I actually had to double check that the blue was him and not the average😅 because of how he answered the test I don’t know how accurate the hexaco is? they didn’t really comment on that but they did continue to reference it.

the main thing they talked about with Jaemin was about how he is very aware of what he does and doesn’t like, he knows who he gets along with and who he doesn’t, he has no problems showing when he doesn’t like something, and he is very uninterested and borderline apathetic when it comes to things and people he is simply not interested in.

I think where I get really tripped up with Jaemin is because he has 3 leo placements, yet I feel like he doesn’t act much like a typical leo in my opinion? At least not to the cameras. I honestly think Jaemin might be someone who is very different off camera and at home. When I see jaemin I see flashes of it, but I get a lot of his earth influence.

I want to start with his capricorn moon because I feel like it’s something i see the most in him. For starters, it is literally why he is so private. Even before this show, it was a well known thing amongst NCTzens that Jaemin is a very private person. He also comes off as very reserved, in control and calm. Jaemin answering every question with a 3, so that it neither over or under represents him, but puts him in the questionable middle, is very capricorn moon. Not wanting to be understood. Not wanting to appear as having any exact problems. They’re practical, controlled, level-headed... right? They’re not the ones with messy emotions, couldn’t be them.... That’s the whole capricorn struggle. The moon is put in a very tough spot with Capricorn. Scorpio moons are in fall and Capricorns are in detriment. But it works very differently. Scorpios have wickedly intense emotions that they are kind of scared of, so they hide them, but they want to be understood and feel safe enough to express them. Capricorn moons straight up deny their feelings.

On the bright side though, I feel like his Capricorn moon is also responsible for the other part of his personality which is: how weird he is. Capricorn moons are also known for being ridiculously funny and weird. Very weird. I think this is also where his Leo comes in and kind of teams up with his moon. Leo’s are natural performers and sometimes when I watch Jaemin I find myself being like “he is really putting on a show right now” but not in a bad way, I’m always highly entertained lol. He is a natural performer.

In haechan’s section I mentioned how, to me, leo is one of the signs that can change so drastically depending on the other planets and houses. I think jaemin is a really good example of this, because even without his hexaco chart we all know Jaemin is a huge introvert. He is actually a self-proclaimed introvert. He is open is the way he shows it, and he even said in a show that talking with people is hard because he loses so much energy. I think his Capricorn and Virgo play a big role in this and it’s why I’m so curious what his houses are and where that leo is. Because even though our moons affect us a lot, with 3 leo placements i would expect someone to be a little more extroverted.

Where I also see a lot of his Leo though, is of course, with how affectionate he is. he’s also very creative and a huge provider. A big misconception with leo is that all they do is take. This is one side to leo, and Haechan is a good example of that side because he has the gemini and leo moon, but Jaemin is a really good example of the strong provider and caretaker side of Leo. With his earth placements too. he is definitely someone who prides himself on taking care of people.

now to compare his hexaco to his birth chart, his extroversion, emotionality, agreeableness and honesty-humility is lower than average. Sure, part of that could be the way he took the test, but I also think it can be seen in his very controlling earth placements. Having earth in 2 of the planets that hold a lot of our emotions and expression, and the fact that it is virgo and capricorn and not taurus, is making him very in control of his emotions and expression, and he has strong boundaries. It also makes him more introverted. The low agreeableness is just his whole chart honestly. Leo is a fixed sign, and even though virgo is mutable, they still have very particular ways they like to do things, and capricorn is a leader and takes charge.

His openness is interesting to me and I wanna say that I think it’s very similar to what I wrote for haechan. He’s open, but not necessarily emotionally driven. He is open about the things that drive him, so not emotions, but something else. Work. His morals and values. His boundaries. Things he does and doesn’t like! lastly, his conscientiousness also fits into this, virgo capricorn and leo are all extremely driven, passionate and hard workers and we know work and stability is a high value and priority of his.

tdlr; hard to read, very private and likes it that way. He is driven by work, ethic, stability and providing. He knows his values, and has little interest in things he doesn’t care for. Optimistic, weird, funny and a natural performer. Likes to be in control and needs to recharge a lot. Probably the most different off camera and at home.

and that’s part 3! Thanks you to everyone that has tuned into this series it was so much fun. Thoughts and feedback are always welcome <3

#cant believe I finished :’)#what does everyone think?#kpop astrology #kpop #NCT dream #mine #astrology #zodiac signs #jaemin #Haechan #astrology observations #astro community #renjun #mark #chenle #jeno #jisung

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dreamescapeswriting · 4 years

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The Late Night Café ~ JJK [M] [Request]

↬↬↬Word Count: 4.9K

↬↬↬Genre: Prince!AU, Non!IDOL, SMUT, Fluffy

↬↬↬Pairing: Prince Jungkook x Fem!Reader

↬↬↬Warnings: Sex without contraception (wrap it before you tap It), cunnilingus,

"I don't think you understand the sincerity behind this Jungkook!" His mother slammed her hand down against the throne as her son treated this as though it was a joke to him but to him it was.

"What's the big deal? You're only going to set me up with someone I do not wish to be with so just get on with it." It was no secret that the Prince wasn't happy with the idea of an arranged marriage but if he wanted to take the throne and become King he had to marry before he turned 24 years old which was less then six months away. No time for him to find someone to fall in love with but plenty of time for his parents to force a marriage onto him where he would not be happy.

"Please Jungkook-"

"No. I don't want to talk about it anymore." He walked out of the throne room and away from his mother who was still calling out for him to stop but he didn't want to hear it. He didn't want to hear another speech about how it was for the good of the Country and if he didn't do it there could be serious consequences, it was always the same lecture.

"Jungkook are you going to sneak out again tonight?" Taehyung - his personal guard asked him as they walked side by side through the stone castle, Jungkook chuckled at how scared Taehyung was about it but it was something Jungkook had mastered over the years. He was always sneaking out of the castle late at night, he'd dress up in normal clothes instead of the suit he always had to wear and then he'd walk around the streets acting like anyone else his age would.

"I am."

"Is there anything I can say or do to stop you?" Taehyung knew it was useless since there was nothing he could possibly do,

"Is there ever?" Jungkook teased as he reached his chambers within the castle, Taehyung sighed bowing and walking away from the doors.

Inside was a huge King sized bed with curtains around it, all draped down to cover the red silk sheets that were on the bed. The rest of the room was quite boring, books were along the walls but nothing that interested Jungkook, all of them were about his training, and royal history, he wasn't allowed anything exciting as it could distract him from his Royal duties as the Prince. Everyone thought that this life was perfect and easy but they were wrong being a prince was far from easy and far from perfect.

A rapid knocking sounded on his door and he ground lifting himself from the bed and going over to the door,

"Yes, Namjoon?" He asked the tutor that had been teaching him for the last 7 years,

"Assignments," He handed Jungkook a folder full of papers and smiled at him,

"I'll see them on my desk next week?" He nodded at the request knowing it was no good to say no to Namjoon, he took the folder into his room and threw it down onto his own desk flipping through the pages. He had no classes that afternoon so he saw no harm in starting to do some of the work he had ahead of him, it was all about the history of the palace, how his family had come into the power and then sections about the royal guards. Boring drabble that made him want to throw the folder out of the window.

Four knocks on his door meant that the guards were changing over, midnight he let out a breath of relief. Jimin - the second personal guard - would be taking over the night shift which meant he would be able to slip out easily and have Jimin cover for him while he wandered around outside of the palace walls for a while. He slipped into some jeans and a hoodie before heading out of the door to his room,

"You have ten minutes, run." Jimin handed him some cash and chuckled as Jungkook lifted up the hoodie hood and began sprinting in the direction of the guard exit within the palace, he had about ten minutes before the next one would come out of the door and see him.

Being in the town was a total bust there was nothing happening, it was a Monday night so everything was practically closed. The bars were empty and Jungkook was wondering about bored but even this was better than going back to the palace. He was about to give out on finding somewhere to sit when he saw a cafe with its lights still on, he walked up to the window to see you sitting on the counter reading from a book with a hot chocolate in your hand eyes glued onto the page you were reading from. He chuckled watching you as your eyebrows furrowed together clearly reading something you didn't like, the way you smiled as you turned over the page made Jungkook feel warm inside and before he knew it he was heading inside of the empty cafe.

The bell above the door made you jump up and look around your eyes landed on Jungkook and you almost slopped off the countertop.

"Are you open?" Even his voice sounded angelic to you but you were so lost by staring at him you hadn't been able to form a sentence yet, Jungkook felt his pulse quicken as you stared at him. For a second he thought you knew who he was - everyone did but whenever he came into down dressed down with his hair down no one seemed to be able to tell he was Prince Jungkook.

"Erm, open? Yes! Sorry!" You jumped down from the counter and left your book on the side so you could serve him without being distracted,

"Sorry, we don't get anyone at night," You laughed nervously taking out a notepad and pen,

"What can I get your sir?" He smiled walking closer to the counter, he pressed his palms against the marble and looked through the menu.

"What do you recommend?"

"My famous hot chocolate, it's not on the menu though."

"Famous?" He laughed looking at while raising his eyebrows, you nodded at him and smiled.

"I make it whenever there's no one here, it's an old recipe because between you and me..." You leant across the counter to whisper to him despite there being no one you both,

"The new machines scare me, I burnt myself once and then they put me on the night shift so I've not had to use one since." You laughed softly and Jungkook couldn't help but smile at how adorable you sounded, the way your throat made a wheezing sound as you sucked in some more air - it was too cute.

"Then I shall take a famous hot chocolate created by the amazing...Y/n." He read off your name tag and you smiled,

"My famous hot chocolate coming right up for?" He smiled at you,

"Jungkook-"

"Ah like the Prince, cute." You wrote down his order and went off to make it while making your self a fresh one at the same time. He looked down at the book you'd been reading and smiled, it was the same book his mother used to read to him as a kid,

"The little prince," He whispered picking it up and flicking through your copy of it, along the margins was small notes you'd made in pen and he read through them all. Analysing your handwriting as he went, it made him laugh that whenever you were angry about something happening inside of the book your penmanship would get a little rougher.

"You like the book too?" You asked while you waited for the milk to warm up, he jumped dropping the book down onto counter as you made him jump up in surprise.

"Sorry, I'm quiet and sneaky." You laughed it off and he chuckled along with you,

"I used to love it as a child."

"Do you read now?" You questioned going back over to the steamer and checking on the milk,

"Not as much as I'd like, I'm in a slump." He lied going over to a table in cafe and sitting himself down.

"Ah, I can give you some titles if you like?" He heard the familiar sound of whipped cream being sprayed from a can and he smiled,

"Please, if you don't mind."

"Of course," He glanced up hearing you closer to him this time and watched as you placed down a giant mug of hot chocolate in front of him, on top was a pile of whipped cream, marshmallows and a flake for a little extra taste.

"Enjoy," You went to walk away but he called out your name to stop you, he was intrigued by you and wanted to know more instead of letting you go back to your book just yet.

"Those books you recommend?" He questioned doing anything to make you stay there with him just for a few more minutes, being with you made him feel normal and not like the prince at all. It was refreshing to him to be around someone like you, someone he didn't have to worry about freaking out on him because he was the Prince.

After a week with you, Jungkook began to realise that the reason you didn't know he was the Prince was that you didn't pay close enough attention to it all, you never watched anything on the news to do with it because you would much rather be reading, doing some of your hobbies or sleeping. Over the last week, you'd lent Jungkook a lot of books - he'd explained that the job he worked he wasn't available to go out during the day so spent most of his nights awake.

"What did you think?" You asked as you slid him a hot chocolate, it had become customary every night for him to come by with the book you'd given him to read and talk to you about it.

"I don't like it, why would she fall for him? He's all types of bad for her." You'd given him twilight of all books. He'd mentioned never reading anything that wasn't factual books and you wanted to give him something on the plainer side as well as a little romance,

"Trust me, in midnight sun it all makes sense." You laughed sipping on your hot chocolate,

"Did you get around to any of the movies I suggested?" He glanced up and you and shook his head, he'd been dying to watch the movies you'd given to him but he never had the time during the day, with reading he could sneak it in between study sessions, practice and while he waited to sneak out but movies were harder.

"Not yet," You sighed scooping up some of the whipped cream from his cup on your finger and placed it into your mouth, he watched in awe the whole time. It would be a huge lie if he said he was attracted to you because he was, very attracted to you in a strong way.

"You'll have to come over one day and we can watch a series together, there's this horror...one I've been dying to show someone." He frowned as you trailed off and stared out of the window, he followed your gaze to see Jimin and Taehyung standing around they were dressed in regular clothes but he knew they were there for him but he continued to ignore them and act as though he had no idea who they were.

"Friends of yours?" You laughed looking at them as they stared at Jungkook and you together,

"Something like that." He mumbled looking down at the hot chocolate, it would be a shame to waste it now so he just held up his hand to them, signalling that he'd be two minutes.

"They don't look happy they have to wait," You whispered feeling slightly disheartened that he was going to leave again, he sighed looking at you.

"I'm not happy that I have to leave, we all have to make sacrifices sometimes." He tied to laugh it off but he was really upset about all of this he could already feel himself falling for you which was bad since he would have to be away from you very soon.

"I'll be back tomorrow, we can talk all about those movies you want to watch with me." He smiled at you taking your hand in his, you felt a jolt in your body as he touched you. Before you knew it he was leaning across the table and leaving a small and gentle kiss on your lips.

"See you tomorrow," He whispered running his thumb along your bottom lip and leaving you alone with the book he'd borrowed and the half drank hot chocolate in front of you.

The Queen tapped her foot as she looked at her son,

"You were spotted kissing her, so who is she?" Jungkook rolled his eyes, Jimin and Taehyung hadn't been there when the kiss had happened so it was evident that she'd had someone else following him for the last week.

"Assuming I'm correct you'd had us followed for a week so why don't you tell me who she is mother," His tone was coming out like a bratty teenager who was being caught in a lie and was being told off but he didn't care. He knew what his mother was about to do and he wasn't happy about it,

"You won't be seeing her anymore, I'm stepping up your security so no more sneaking out." She straightened up and watched as Jungkook scoffed her before leaving the great hall, slamming the doors behind him as he left her alone there.

"Was I too harsh?" She asked Yoongi who was standing beside her, he looked down at the floor.

"No your highness, he needs to learn the rules are there to be followed." But she couldn't help but feel bad for him, she knew what it was like to be in love with someone you could never have and she swore never to let her own child go through that and yet here she was doing the same thing her father did to her.

"Follow him, make sure he's in his chambers." She mumbled to Seokjin and Hoseok who was standing by the doors, they nodded and walked out without another word to the Queen.

Three nights in a row and Jungkook was a no show, you were starting to think he regretted kissing you and that was why he hadn't come back.

"Another night another disappointment." You whispered to yourself as you waited for the next waitress to come and take over,

"There's some dude outside for you, said he's ready for the movie marathon?" Your heart raced hearing those words,

"I cleaned, I've done everything, see you tonight!" You threw down your apron and rushed outside to the street to see Jungkook leaning against the alleyway wall, his head was hanging low as he pulled the hoodie up over his head.

"Movies?" You laughed walking up to him, he looked up at you to make sure you were you before he took your hand in his.

"Lead the way. I'm sorry I haven't been here...I was caught up at work." He lied trying to ignore the pounding in his chest as he held your hand for the first time in three days, being away from you was hurting him a lot. The idea of never seeing you again pained him so he'd slipped Seokjin and Hoseok a sleeping pill each before leaving out of his balcony door and climbing down the drainpipe.

"It's fine, I'm glad you're back." You smiled walking towards your apartment building still holding onto Jungkook's hand as you walked together, he was casually swinging your arms back and forth.

"Are they scary horror films then?" He questioned as you unlocked the front door to the apartment building, you giggled at how nervous he sounded about it.

"No Kookie, they're just a little Gorey," You promised him though that if he got scared he could hold onto you through them,

"Can I hold onto you through them anyway?" He whispered as you reached your front door, your back was against the wooden door but you nodded while staring into his eyes.

"Y-Yes."

You phoned into work that night taking a sick day so you could continue your time with Jungkook, he faked a phone call to his work and came back to you.

"So which film is next?" He questioned sitting down next to you and wrapping his arm around your shoulders, over the day you'd grown more and more comfortable around one another, stealing kisses and glances whenever you could and now it was as if you'd known him forever.

"I'm going to get you into the lord of the rings movies, you're going to love them," He chuckled watching as you got excited over the idea of him loving a movie with you, he stared at the side of your face as you flicked through the channels with the remote in your hand.

"What?" You laughed feeling his hand brush the hair out of your face,

"I just wanted to see your beautiful face again." He laughed leaning across and kissing your cheek softly, you put the remote down after clicking play and turned to look at him.

"Do it again," You whispered turning your head so he would kiss your cheek but at the last second, you turned your head connecting your lips. The same sparks you'd felt the first time came rushing out of you, your heart began to pound as he kissed you lovingly. His hands moving to cup either side of your face as you struggled to get into a comfortable position on the sofa.

"Come here," He chuckled lifting you up and sitting you down onto his lap so he could kiss you better, you giggled bending down to connecting your lips once again, whining out when he ran his hands down your spine.

The makeout session began to grow in heat and he pulled off his shirt revealing his toned body, you bit down on your lip running your finger down his abs as he took off your shirt next as you went to hide your body he shook his head at you.

"You're gorgeous, don't hide from me." He gently kissed you again standing up, you screamed into the kiss wrapping your legs around his waist as he began walking towards the bedroom laying you down against the sheets.

"Are you sure you want this?" You questioned when you watched him slowly begin to undo your pants,

"I've never been so sure about something in my life, are you?" You nodded your head desperately not caring about how desperate you looked. Anyone would be a fool to resist Jungkook right now.

"Need you." You whispered pulling him down into a kiss while your hands massaged his already hard member through the fabric of his jeans, he let out a low grunt as you finally came into contact with him and you smirked hearing him. You couldn't wait to hear more.

Sinking to his knees in front of you he began to kiss up to your thigh, letting his fingers run between your folds as he teased you a little wanting to get you riled up before he'd even entered you.

"J-Jungkook," You begged for him to do something, anything except this constant teasing and he chuckled blowing air onto your clit and smirking as you wiggled under his breath.

"So cute when you're needy Y/n." He slowly pushed two of his fingers into you knuckles deep holding them in place so you could feel him just below your g-spot, you began rocking yourself on his fingers but he pinned your hips down to the bed.

"No baby, let me do the work." The nickname sent shivers down your spine, he hadn't called you anything except for your name yet and that nickname made you needier for him.

"Then do the work," You hissed at him, frantic for him to move his fingers in and out of you. Once he did your head rolled back against the mattress making you cry out his name feeling him spreading his fingers a little each time he thrust them into you, curling them whenever he heard you moan in a way he liked.

"So sensitive," He whispered kissing your clit slowly sending your brain into a fog,

"I wonder-" He cut himself off by licking stripes up and down your clit as he continued to thrust his fingers in and out of you, increasing your moans as if you were an instrument he was playing.

"F-Fuck!" You whimpered hands going out to either side of you on the bed and clutching onto the sheets around you, you clenched around his fingers as he began to suck on your clit, occasionally removing his fingers from your core and dipping his tongue into you.

"S-Shit! Jungkook please!" You begged for him to keep going, your eyes rolling back as you could feel your orgasm beginning to build the more he ate you out like that on the bed.

"You wanna cum Princess? You wanna cum on my fingers?" You nodded frantically and he chuckled returning his mouth to your over-sensitive clit and hummed on you edging you all the more.

"Cum." He ordered darkly continuing the rough movement of his fingers, your eyes screwed shut as you cried out his name loud enough for the neighbours to hear you coming down from your first high of the night.

As you went to sink down onto your knees he brought you back up, kissing you softly,

"No baby, if you suck me off I'll blow right here, j-just lay down okay?" You nodded at him and kissed him again, kissing down his jawline and sucking on the exposed skin and he groaned laying you down against the bed and lining himself up at your entrance.

"P-Please," You whimpered looking him in the eyes, he smiled taking your hand in his as he slowly eased himself into you groaning out at how tight you were around him. He stayed still for a moment, letting you both adjust to the new feeling, if he were to move now he wouldn't last long at all.

"S-Shit you're so fucking tight." He mumbled against your lips kissing you as he slowly began to move in and out of you,

"S-So big." You mumbled back to him making him chuckle as you wrapped your legs around his waist begging him to move faster which he gladly accepted, moving your left leg around his shoulder and angling himself deeper into you.

Heavy grunting and loud moaning filled the room as he pushed in and out of you at a ruthless pace looking into your eyes as you cried out his name,

"Don't stop!" You begged, holding onto his face as you kissed him roughly begging for him not to stop. He was filling you up in ways you'd never felt before and you didn't ever want it to finish,

"I won't baby I won't." He chuckled moving his hand down between you and rubbing your clit, you throbbed around his length making him groan as you got tighter around him. You were letting out loud whines and whimpers that were bringing him closer to his release, he'd imagined you like this beneath him all week, imagining the way you would sound when you called out his name and moaned it loudly for everyone to hear.

"Jungkook!" You ran your fingernails down his back as he pushed himself deeper into you, it was as if something took over him then. He began to get rougher with his hip movements, snapping into you relentlessly as he felt his high drawing closer to him.

"C-Close." You whimpered to him looking into his eyes,

"M-Me too," He added glad that you were close, he didn't want to be the guy to cum without making you cum first, he let out a shaky breath as he pushed you further onto the bed and put your leg around his waist again.

"F-Fuck...Squeeze me-ugh- like that again babe." He begged you as you wrapped your legs around him pulling him deeper into you, he groaned loudly feeling you do that whenever he thrust into you.

"Jungkook I-I can't hold it a-anymore." You whispered to him and he chuckled leaning down to kiss you, kissing from your lips up to your ears.

"Cum around me baby, cum all over me like a good girl." At the mention of you being a good girl you lost control, your hips bucked up and your legs shook as white took over your vision. Sending you over the edge as you cried out his name, a warmth spreading through you as you came around him.

"S-Shit! J-Jungkook I love you!" You cried out loudly hips bucking wildly as you felt him twitch inside of you pulling out and spilling onto your stomach with a few pumps of his hand,

"I love you too." He whispered looking into your eyes as you both laid there panting heavily to one another.

You screamed as the door to your bedroom was kicked open and guns were aimed at you, Jungkook wrapped his arms around you covering you with the sheets. You were panicked while he looked calm about all of this happening around him,

"Mother," You stared at Jungkook as he watched the Queen walking into your room, you knew she was the Queen because of the crown she had on her head and the way she carried herself as she walked into the room.

"M-Mother?!" Your voice cracked as you asked him that, your eyes danced around to each of the guards who were now putting their guns away and standing to attention. Two of them were the boys who had been outside the cafe the last night Jungkook had come to see you.

"At ease, Jimin and Tae stay, the rest of you out." She ordered and all of them left without questioning it, Jungkook was still holding you close to keep you clothed.

"Can you give us a moment?" He questioned looking from his mother to you, you hadn't spoken a word yet and you wouldn't meet his gaze, you just stared at the bed waiting for them to leave you both alone.

"You have five minutes."

When you both emerged from the bedroom the Queen was sitting on your sofa, Jungkook had tried talking to you but you couldn't reply back to him. You hadn't been able to think of a single thing to say to him yet,

"Would you like some tea?" You asked the Queen, bowing a little as she made eye contact with you.

"No thank you, I heard you make a nice hot chocolate but it is neither the time nor the place for that." She stated, looking at you up and down trying to determine if you were good for her son or not but she could already tell that you were, you stopped bowing and stared at the floor.

"I wanted to come and see who was making my son so happy, over the last week he's smiled a lot, it's the first time I've seen him like this since his father died so it's rather refreshing." You looked at Jungkook who was nervously staring at you already, he was trying to figure out if you were okay with everything happening around you.

"I didn't know he was a Prince, your highness-"

"That's okay, he should have told you." She raised herself from the sofa and walked closer to Jungkook.

"I expect to see you home tonight and at dinner, bring her along." She told him looking over at you and smiling brightly,

"We'll figure out a way around the arrangement, I'll speak to Yoongi and the council." She meant the Royal council that had been the ones to decide he needed to marry royalty before becoming King, seeing the way he was with you really made her change her mind on this. Deciding that he needed to be happy,

"I see that you would give it up for her...I'll see what I can do." He thanked her and bowed as she left your apartment.

"Prince Huh?" You asked nervously and he laughed softly at your reaction, he was nervous that now you knew the truth you would start to treat him differently but you seemed okay.

"Do I have to call you your highness now?" You whispered as you walked over to him wrapping your arms around the back of his neck, Taehyung and Jimin were still in the apartment with you watching your every move.

"Only in the bedroom," He winked bending down to kiss you but you groaned pushing him away and looking at his personal guards.

"Do you want hot chocolate?" Jungkook acted offended as you offered them the famous hot chocolate that he'd come to you for.

"That's my hot chocolate," He mumbled watching as you walked into your kitchen getting ready to make everyone a cup he was just thrilled your feelings towards him didn't change when you found out he was the Prince.

Tagline:

@writingdreamsnottragedies @snowy-meowl @jooniesdarlingdimples @lyoongx @mitzwinchester @fan-ati--c @callingmyangel @rjsmochii @kneel-begyourpardon @taestannie

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theliteraryanalistist · 2 years

Text

It’s 10:00 AM on New Year’s Day, I’m off my meds, and I’m reeling from another reread of Tyrant Baru Cormorant, and @canmom‘s excellent essays on the books.

I want to start by saying that I don’t trust myself fully with this analysis. We as people are in a constant state of flux, and what I feel today may not be what I feel tomorrow, or a week from now, or month, year, myriad, etc…

Which is really just me giving myself license to make mistakes here. To get it wrong as I attempt to get it right. Apologies in advance for my 3k word stream of consciousness essay, there’s precious little editing or cohesiveness here.

I’ve felt a lot (A LOT) of things reading Seth Dickinson’s marvelous Masquerade series and Bryn’s wonderful analyses of the works. The analyses especially have been wonderful, because in reading The Masquerade I feel the kinship of understanding. Here is an author speaking the language I wish I knew, a clarion horn, calling me home. But Canmom’s response, her writing examining the work? That has given me the words and framework to better understand my love for The Masquerade. It’s one thing to love something, it’s another thing to understand why.

Also, full apologies, I’m more a poet than a critic, so the only language I have to respond to both the work and the analysis is fraught with simile and metaphor, more aping the meaning I mean to convey than directly stating it. While I’m more eloquent for having read a wonderful analysis, I’m not where I want to be. Thus, we come full circle, I’m making the room to forgive myself for being imperfect, thus allowing me the license to write at all on these topics.

Also, also, I’ve wanted to write responses to these essays (and the larger work of The Masquerade) for a long time. But while my mind has mostly turned over the questions of imperialism and colonialism and sexuality in Cormorant’s world, I think it’s especially fitting that I start with the essay on gender in Cormorant’s world because I haven’t had the space to put to word my thoughts on those subjects. As a trans woman unfolding herself out of a closet of her own making, transitioning now from a transitory space of dedicated nonbinary to a more binary space of womanhood, the essay on gender feels… right.

1. Response to point #1

a. What is gender?

b. This is a question I’ve carefully avoided for most of my life, because it’s been safer, and more comfortable to refuse to understand what gender is. I understand that my own relationship with gender isn’t healthy and isn’t conventional. But I’ve studiously avoided trying to define gender to myself and others because it’s a construct that feels distinctly inapt to describe my relationship with the world.

c. But it’s so important for understanding Baru’s relationship to her world (and my relationship with mine) that at some point the mountain must be climbed, the dragon faced, and the deed done.

d. Canmom is right, gender is both explicit and implicit. There’s dictionary definitions and obvious answers to direct questions, but understanding what gender is requires an understanding of both the overt and covert ways that it shapes and colors our relationships to the world around us.

e. So in this essay I’d say that I understand gender to be a framework. A broad understanding of people who look and act a certain way in certain trends.

f. I’d also say that queer and trans movements in the West in the contemporary world have been asking and answering this question for decades now. Gender is something different to each different person, a meaning and framework both internalized and externalized. It’s something that matters a lot to some people, (for example some trans people who are very binary, and find joy in their chosen gender expression) and to others it’s a violent cage that destroys in its act of generalizing and defining (a number of enby people I know fall into this realm? Of thought).

g. Ultimately gender is more important to some than others, and there’s not a universal definition, but in spite of that failure to be defined, gender paints the relationship of every person to their worlds both internal and external, and you can’t ignore it in The Masquerade.

h. Which is a lot of nonsense words of me trying to say that I don’t really get gender, but I feel both bound and freed by it, and that its weight is omnipresent in the world of the Masquerade.

i. Canmom referring to gender as a form of magic feels… right. Again in a way that I don’t have the words to explain. If sorcery is something unknowable in its purest form, more ritual and spell than physic-based cause and effect, then gender is a sorcery all its own.

2. Point #2, the Egregore

a. It’s a novel term for me, but it’s a wonderful framework for examining both gender and nations in our world and the Masquerade. If all social patterns are constructs, then understanding that nations and cultures and gender itself are constructs by which we are pressured to act in accordance with, then gender and nations are both certainly egregores. Egregrores? Egregrojores? How tf is this word spelled, let alone pronounced? Some English speaker I am.

b. There’s a wonderful through line here, understanding patterns of behavior as constructs and blankets, from Baru’s line “Culture is a mill…” to Canmom’s “…there is no such thing as a country…” Again, she’s helping me find the words to speak my understanding of The Masquerade.

c. How do you ignore the construct? Live in spite of it? Everyone around me believes my many-named nation is real, and works to forgive it for its many sins, when these are acts perpetrated by individual people together that propagate harm on a scale the world hasn’t seen before. The cultural, economic, and military hegemony of the US is… it’s a lot. And it’s beyond the scope of this essay, or my brain to grasp. But the US isn’t an extant thing. It’s a construct, a pattern, a tidal wave of belief that shapes the world, and in order to acknowledge the harms that it perpetrates I have to acknowledge it as a thing, in spite of its lack of existence.

3. The Egregore as a Demon

a. At this point in reading and rereading the essay I start to find my feet again. Understanding the construct as a demon, as a thing both ethereal and present, it fits. It gives words to what I previously was unable to define. Gender isn’t law. It’s a mill, it’s a construct, it’s a beast with which I have to bargain and perform and debate and interact, because to ignore it is folly. But to obey it is a folly even greater. If I’m going to exist in the world and benefit from Dickinson’s writing, and benefit from Canmom’s analysis, then I have to acknowledge the Egregore. For only in knowing and understanding the beast can you do battle with it, and etc, etc…

b. It’s at about this point in my essay that I start to feel really, extra, pretentious. How do you fight a nation, or a framework? How do you dismantle the harms that people do, ostensibly in your name? Is it in the personal work? Educating your friends and family? Is it in the social work? Doing service and education for the community? Who am I to think that I could begin to right and write the wrongs of a nation, let alone gender? Im just a particle of water in the tide, and I can hope that I’m flowing in the right direction.

c. Gender, as Canmom expertly points out, exists in the context of culture, history, and the rest of the web of the world. Gender for the ancient Norse is different from gender for the Falcresti which is different from gender for the contemporary trans person, which is different from gender for the myth of the American man. Just as gender propagates and shapes behavior, it is itself changed by its affect on the world. Gender cannot remain the same throughout history.

i. Which is remarkably similar to the Cryptarch’s Qualm:

1. Your power is secret, and in secret it is total. But to use your power you must touch the world. To touch you must be touched, to be touched is to be seen, to be seen is to be known. To be known is to perish

ii. Is this intentional? Did/does Seth understand how similar the construct of power in the world of The Masquerade is to the construct of gender? That nothing, not even evil can remain the same if it is to exist?

iii. Going back to the quote:

1. “In fact, culture was like a mill: it accepted knowledge and people, and it changed them in certain ways, and it even redesigned itself in the process. Change was intrinsic to culture.”

iv. Which is directly drawn from Monster where the Cryptarch’s Qualm is first introduced, I’d hazard a guess that the similarity is indeed intentional. Maybe not between gender and power specifically, but between culture and power. Here were get to see the intentionality of Seth’s design. There’s a relationship between gender and culture and power, all of which are egregores that have hold over us. To spite them is to interact with them. To interact with them is to be touched by them and changed by them. We cannot be free of gender without it shaping us. It’s insidious.

v. But that insidiousness is the core message of The Masquerade series, I’d argue. That cultural hegemony shapes us, and that decolonization requires being colonized in the first place (obvious, I know, but bear with me here). Only through knowing the enemy and the ways in which they hurt us can we begin to understand the ways in which we are hurt, and thusly, the ways in which we may heal. We’ll come back to this in a moment in both this essay and Canmom’s. I’m excited.

4. Response to “Conditioning, socialization, and Baru’s sexuality

a. Small addendum, I’m skipping a lot of Canmom’s essay. There’s good stuff there, just stuff I either feel unqualified or uninterested in responding to here.

i. It largely deals with gender and its construction in various cultures outside of what I know, or it deals with sex work which is another realm that’s largely outside of my experience. It’s good, fascinating writing, it’s just not something I feel qualified to respond to yet.

b. As a fledgling trans woman, socialization is a… hold on, I have a quote from Seth on reddit here that is particularly apt

i. Beware economics! It is a dismal science, full of lies and ideology, derived not from observation and testing but hypothesis and grudge.

ii. Replace economics with socialization and you get the idea

c. I think any attempt to support the theory of socialization is to pull from the pit of bioessentialism and state that categorically “all biologically male people have a certain set of experiences that etc…” You can’t engage in the theory of socialization without, I think, being inherently transphobic. There’s a reason a certain British author of ill repute with her manifestos and reach is regarded as transphobic, and it’s because the core of her ideology is. In affect her writings and statements and manifestos become transphobic because they’re sourced from the same pit.

d. There are other, more eloquent, and smarter people than me who can explain why socialization is so fraught. For my part, let me say that no person’s relationship with gender is exactly the same. Thus, every trans person’s relationship with gender and being trans becomes unique. Socialization then becomes an idea guilty of the sins of gender itself, the redrawing of many peoples as one monolith. That statement that all those born with penises (which is another reduction, but I hope you understand why I’m using this one, it’s the faulty reduction that bioessentialist and transphobic people are starting with) are inherently men because they are treated as such. It runs parallel to the faulty idea that queer people are queer because of some shared oppression and suffering that is used to exclude ace, and bi people (and in the end game divide gay and lesbian people, each division and category a weapon which is used to weaken movements and experiences. I am queer because I am, not because I have suffered for being queer. Fuck all other definitions and explanations).

e. One of the really interesting facets of Baru’s sexuality is, as a trans woman, seeing myself in her and her attraction.

f. The guilt in being attracted to someone of the same gender (which was similar to the guilt of being attracted to men when I understood myself to be a man. Perhaps all sexuality is vile in my good Christian upbringing. But that’s neither here nor there). There’s an association of filth, of being unclean somehow, with the attraction. There’s something desperate and cleansing there, in the act and process of attraction and love. Baru (and myself) is defined in part by her sexuality, and the whole world (again, reductive, but you get the point) conspires to work against and deny her, her truth, and her self.

g. Seth’s writing of Baru discovering the operant condition done upon her, and the beginning of her work to undo it is really remarkable. The prose is direct, straightforward, not nearly as poetic as some of Seth’s other writing in The Masquerade, and perhaps it’s stronger for that. The content of the writing is the remarkable thing here. In an explicit understanding of the ways in which Baru has been intentionally hurt and shaped, we can begin to understand some of the operant conditioning placed on ourselves by gender, capitalism, and modern-day empires. In Baru’s decolonization we are given some of the tools for our own.

5. Response to “The Parents”

a. Canmom’s right,

i. “… they’re fucking great.”

b. I think that in a work this heavy, that deals with homophobic violence, colonization and decolonization, one needs humor. One needs joy. Not because it makes the work more bearable (though it does), but because it reflects and amplifies our reality. In spite of empires and egregores, we are capable of experiencing love, capable of experiencing joy. In fact, love and joy are tools of un and regendering ourselves, they are tools of decolonization. Because to exist with love and joy in spite of the Farrier-like myths that would say there is none to be had for the queer and the trans person is to disprove some of the core tenets of their project. The pastor, the politician, the eugenicist, the normative banker, each has an investment in the world as it is. Each has a stake in maintaining cultural and economic hegemony, in the queer person existing as part of the myth the normative forces have built for us.

c. Seth has another cogent and relative quote for this from their blogpost The secret design of The Traitor Baru Cormorant

i. “And so Baru must confront these stories. On Taranoke she faces down the arriving colonizers with their racial doctrines. In Aurdwynn she has to play the feudal power game. At the Elided Keep she confronts the dragon of the tragic queer story, the dominant narrative about her happiness and future. Each of these narratives is a story in which a woman like Baru traditionally has no power or agency, and yet each time, she chooses not to reject the story but to find a passage through.”

d. That line hits me every time I reread their blogpost, “… the dragon of the tragic queer story…”

i. What a singularly powerful way to describe our collective cultural traumas and fears.

ii. That belief that we can never be happy if we dare to be queer? That is a myth, a fable, and a singularly mighty and terrible one. A dragon. And there is a dragon’s hoard of joy to be found on the other end. In the passage through.

iii. Tbh I’m tearing up just thinking about it, but then again I’m still off my meds.

6. Response to Exorcising the egregore

a. Bro I don’t have the words anymore. The demons we face are too vast, too mighty. And yet we have tools to fight them. And we have a part to play. American Abolitionist Mariame Kaba has a marvelous talk about “doing your work…” None of the evils we face, empire, bioessentialism, capitalism, normative gender, none of them can be fought by a lone hero. There’s a distinctly (I think) American response to injustice, which is to attempt to take it all on, on your own. A belief that once you’ve uncovered these evils you must do the whole of the work in battling them. But you can’t. I can’t. None of us can. What we have to, what we can do, is our work. These evils are defeated not by lone dragon-slaying heroes, but by a collective. I can’t stop America from being an Imperialist force on the world stage. But I can criticize it to local voters. I can get more educated and involved in local politics. I can write to and provide support for local imprisoned populations. I can be a particle of water, that is part of the wave that shakes the foundations of our world. And Seth can by writing The Masquerade. And Bryn can by writing this fabulous essay. Together, we build a better tomorrow.

b. To draw, I think, the perfect quote to encapsulate how I feel about both The Masquerade series, and this essay:

i. “So let’s just say: thank fuck for writing like this, and let us endeavour to find another step towards the world that terrifies the Masquerade.”

#essay #critical response #baru cormorant #The Masquerade #Horse-Archers and Anti-Mannism (on The Tyrant Baru Cormorant part 8)#bruh I wrote this in 2 hours exactly #im well and truly back on my bullshit

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shipping-receiving · 4 years

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“Is there a chance you won’t be okay?”

An Analysis of Hwang Si-mok and Han Yeo-jin’s Final Scene in Stranger/Secret Forest Season 2

Alright, it’s been almost a week, I’m still crying every time I re-watch this scene, and somehow I’ve written 3,500 words about five minutes of this damn show, so here we go:

As with Stranger/Secret Forest Season 1, Si-mok and Yeo-jin’s final scene in Season 2 ended with a farewell meal, complete with soju. On a very basic level, this meal felt significant in a season where Si-mok was subject, more than ever, to interrupted meals or meals he didn’t particularly want to be present for – at least until he was able to have a drink with Yeo-jin in 2x12, and then lunch with her in 2x13.

More importantly, though, this scene is the most loaded scene we’ve ever witnessed between these two characters. That’s saying something for such a nuanced, detail-oriented show, in which two people placing their phones in a storage locker at a detention centre can possess such emotional weight, particularly when played by two actors who make very subtle and sophisticated acting choices.

I’m struck particularly by the way this scene bursts with subtext – things unsaid and unresolved – when Lee Soo-yeon could just as easily have written a neater, more light-hearted exchange that reaffirmed their connection, more along the lines of their final scene in 1x16. There are a thousand other ways their farewell could have been presented to us that would have given a greater or at least a more comfortable sense of finality, even taking into account their character development over this season. This lack of resolution is evident not just from what happened during the scene, but also when the scene happened within the episode itself. The meal occurred after Yeo-jin had been bullied by her colleagues, but before she met her new boss – at this point, it seemed to the viewer that her promotion would likely bring not the pride she experienced in S1, but more challenges and isolation.

More so than the Seo Dong-jae cliffhanger, this scene makes me think that this was written with a future Season 3 arc in mind, one in which Si-mok and Yeo-jin’s relationship will continue to evolve and deepen substantially (whether that will be ‘romantic’ remains to be seen). Considering they’re the core partnership of this series, there was a deliberate withholding of stability in their farewell, rather than an affirmation of it. I won’t go so far as to say destabilisation – because despite their separation, I think their bond is more profound than ever – but at the bare minimum an absence of certainty, when it could have been written otherwise.

Anyway, on to the breakdown:

The scene opens with Si-mok carefully folding a napkin and placing cutlery on it for Yeo-jin, a simple gesture of care that Cho Seung-woo plays with a startlingly gentle attentiveness. Immediately, it signals that there’s been a shift in Si-mok – how he’s able, at least with Yeo-jin, to do something that isn’t just polite, but also thoughtful. The director even snuck in a little clue that Si-mok is thinking of Yeo-jin as he’s doing this – Yeo-jin actually appears at the left side of the frame from the start, as the camera pans over to Si-mok:

In this shot, Si-mok is visually separated from Yeo-jin by a pillar. This could be read on the one hand as a kind of sectioning out of his mental space – a visualisation of his thoughts of her as he prepares her cutlery – and on the other hand, as a foreshadowing of their impending separation. (I do, however, enjoy the first interpretation more. It reminds me a little bit of her sketch of the inside of his head from 1x06.)

Back to the napkin: if you look closer, Si-mok didn’t fold a napkin for himself – his spoon and chopsticks are on the table next to his bowl – so this isn’t just a matter of neatly setting the table for their meal. In a very small way, he’s anticipating her needs, just as she has done with him in much more demonstrative ways in both seasons (helping him with his headaches being the most obvious one). This isn’t something he’s necessarily actively worked on in the past two years; he’s still the person who doesn’t instinctively say ‘hello’ over the phone, or ask after someone’s kids without being reminded. Yet, it’s a capacity for care that has expanded significantly, at least where Yeo-jin is concerned.

Compare his behaviour with the equivalent scene in 1x16 – back then, he only ordered a bowl of noodles for himself and not for her. Interestingly, Yeo-jin’s comment to Si-mok during that part of the S1 scene was, “Gosh, you haven’t changed one bit,” suggesting that he was, by nature, somehow unable to be considerate to someone else. Just from the opening to the S2 scene, we see that that comment is not or no longer true, at least when it comes to the way he acts around her. In both the S1 and S2 scenes, he was the first person to arrive for their meal; in S1, the first thing he said was, “Why are you late?” and had already ordered his soju and noodles. This time, however, Yeo-jin asks him, “Why didn’t you order something first?” – implying that although she was late again, he was patiently waiting for her to arrive.

There’s also a difference in the way he responds to her appearance. Now, I personally don’t think we can frame Si-mok’s connection with and care for Yeo-jin in conventional understandings of romantic attraction (which is not to say romance isn’t possible for them canonically, I just think it will manifest differently). Nevertheless, I’d say that he responds to her haircut in a way that is probably as close to the mechanics of attraction as we could possibly expect from Si-mok – not just the shock of “oh, you cut your hair,” but lingering looks and nostalgia for when they first met; nothing at all like noticing that she’s wearing lipstick and saying, not so kindly, that it looks weird. In fact, in a direct parallel to this moment in 1x16, Yeo-jin asks him if her haircut is “weird”, and he says, “I just meant it’s different.”

(I think the way he stares at her is not wholly due to being ‘transfixed’, but also because he’s trying to figure out what such a drastic change means, and why now, and whether he has to worry. Basically, his brain is trying to compute; part of his stare is him trying to analyse her behaviour, just as part of it is him revisiting his memories of her from two years ago, and part of it might well be an attraction he doesn’t quite understand or know how to reel in. He does stare at her for an inordinately long time.)

Switching over to Yeo-jin, I really enjoy this little routine of hers when they have meals together – how she narrows down options for him to a series of questions, and even helps him decide on occasion. It never feels like she’s trying to speak for him, but rather that she knows his likes and dislikes. Her question in this scene – makgeolli or soju – is phrased like her question in 2x02, when she asks him to choose between stir-fried octopus and hot pot; when she specifically requests a lot of cabbages, she must be thinking of how he ate lots of them in 2x12. This kind of care comes naturally to Yeo-jin – we’re talking about the person who took in a murder victim’s mother in S1 – but it’s still a form of intimacy, and one that Si-mok is clearly used to as well.

Soon, though, we have our first indication that things might not be so comfortable – not in the sense that their bond has weakened, but that there are fundamental shifts occurring in both of their lives that affect this bond. Si-mok, after a lot more staring, points out that her short hair reminds him of when they first met. (He wouldn’t have needed to take that much time to come up with that simple observation, which makes me think he was trying to choose his words carefully.) With enthusiasm, Yeo-jin responds with, “I haven’t changed a bit, right?” – echoing her comment about Si-mok in 1x16.

Perhaps Yeo-jin had meant this comment sincerely in the moment, but given context, her cheerfulness feels performative. We’ve just witnessed her crying after being bullied by her colleagues, in contrast to the warmth that she enjoys with her old Yongsan team; we’ve observed her changes – a result of maturity, disillusionment, a loss of innocence – throughout the whole season. In fact, she seems to have cut her hair precisely because she feels weighed down by all that has unfolded, just as one might after a break-up or some kind of painful life event. It’s a decision that seems to say: I acknowledge that everything has changed around me, but maybe doing this will make me feel like myself again, or the ‘myself’ of two years ago.

Si-mok, of course, isn’t quite so able to agree that she hasn’t changed. Multiple times this season, he’s observed the changes in her – “You don’t draw these days?” in 2x06, “Didn’t you want to work in police administration?” in 2x08, “You weren’t the kind of person to postpone things.” in 2x12. Now, he doesn’t respond to her question, and instead looks at her in silence, smiling only ever so slightly when she shakes her head playfully (and we know that she can make him smile wider than that). Perhaps he’s even choosing to withhold any judgment of her. But this is a moment, I think, that factors into his decision to ask her that question at the end of this scene.

Next, we have confirmation that Si-mok was the one who asked Yeo-jin out for dinner, just as he had in 2x02 once he’d settled into his new posting. It isn’t clear in 1x16 if it was Yeo-jin who’d asked to meet Si-mok when she found out he was being posted to Namhae, but it’s been affirmed twice this season that he prioritises this time with her (even more so than meeting his own mother). Then, he breaks the news to her that he is leaving for Gangwon Province this weekend.

In 1x16, Yeo-jin finds out that Si-mok is leaving from the special investigation team, without Si-mok being present. At the time, they still think he’ll be sent to the US for training, and Yeo-jin is visibly disappointed. She has the same crestfallen look on her face in this scene, in front of Si-mok. She doesn’t want to be separated from him, and when she asks about his cases, it seems she’d expected him to stay for quite a while longer to see them through. Mind you, Wonju is only about 1.5 hours drive from Seoul (yes, I mapped it), but Yeo-jin still looks like she’s had the rug pulled from under her. Perhaps, in an uncertain time, she’d hoped that Si-mok would be in her life more than the few weeks he’d spent in Seoul.

Yeo-jin’s responses in both 1x16 and 2x16 are a pretty big indicator that she has feelings for Si-mok (whether she’s aware or willing to acknowledge those feelings is another matter). I suppose one could argue that her reaction is simply out of sadness at the thought of being separated from a friend, but based on certain events in S2 – for example, Choi Bit questioning Yeo-jin about her relationship with Si-mok, and Yeo-jin deflecting – I think the viewer is at the very least meant to question whether their bond is truly ‘platonic’. This isn’t the type of show to include superfluous details just to tease their viewers, and in any case, Si-mok and Yeo-jin’s connection has only deepened through the course of this season despite being on opposing sides of the council. It feels like the emotional stakes are much higher this time than back in S1.

As Yeo-jin is absorbing this news from Si-mok, there are a couple of little details here that feel significant to me, but could be nothing: first, the way Si-mok half-holds out his hand as Yeo-jin is pouring her soju, just as he’d held out his hand when she was pouring makgeolli in 2x13. Second, how she pours out a cup of soju for herself first, but not for Si-mok. In any other situation, it might seem impolite – after all, Si-mok is the one who’d chosen the drink – but here it seems that she’s pouring a drink to steady or busy herself more than anything, and she doesn’t drink from it till after their toast.

Following this, Yeo-jin confides in Si-mok that “I never thought the council would end like this. [...] Will the higher-ups be replaced with more honest people while I’m catching bad men out there?” When he replies with, “Why are you talking as if those two are the same?”, it’s yet another of his probing questions, questions she never seems to have an answer to. The Yeo-jin of old would never have assumed that all the higher-ups are dishonest – she has always seen the good in people – but she feels betrayed by Choi Bit, the one person she sincerely respected. Here, she changes the topic rather than opening up, reverting to her most comfortable mode of showing care for someone else by asking Si-mok why he looks so tired. It’s a guardedness that we’re not used to seeing from Yeo-jin; when Si-mok met with Choi Bit at the start of the episode, he describes Yeo-jin as someone who “opens up easily”, even if she doesn’t “blindly trust or respect just about anybody”.

While Yeo-jin is evasive, Si-mok is more willing to be vulnerable in comparison. His openness isn’t surprising, given that Si-mok has shared more about his life and thoughts with her than with anyone else, but it is still heartwarming to see. Instead of brushing off Yeo-jin’s comment, he tells her about his dream of the prosecutors from the Western Office. For anyone else, this might not seem like a significant conversation topic, but for someone who hardly ever dreams (which Si-mok mentioned in S1), it feels like he’s sharing something special with her. This dream, and his factual recounting of it, seems to be a means for his brain to process the traumatic events of two years ago.

Before Si-mok tells Yeo-jin about his dream, there’s a quick insertion here – a lament about seeing your boss in your dreams – that suggests that she is still troubled about Choi Bit, more than she’s letting on. Again, Si-mok doesn’t push her to elaborate, though I think he’s been absorbing all the things that seem off with Yeo-jin since she arrived. Yeo-jin proceeds to analyse his dream in her head, but doesn’t verbalise her interpretation (that Yoon Se-won might be considering suicide, since he went off in the same direction as two characters who have both passed). As she’s deep in thought, Si-mok tilts his head questioningly at her; she says that he probably won’t have time to go anywhere else this weekend, implying that she was thinking of bringing him with her to visit Yoon.

Knowing that Si-mok won’t be able to come with her, however, leaves Yeo-jin resigned. As she announces, “All right, then,” I wonder if this is the moment that she’s choosing to steel herself. The two people she treasures and respects most in her life (Si-mok and Choi Bit) are disappearing from it, and she will have to learn to move forward without them.

Now, we come to their toast. In the corresponding scene in S1, their toast is bittersweet, but has a sense of resolution; upbeat piano music plays in the background as Yeo-jin says, “Goodbye, I won’t be able to see you off,” while Si-mok echoes that with, “Good luck in your new position. Sorry I can’t attend the ceremony.” In S2, the music is quieter, and much more sombre – I’ve been describing it in my head as ‘breathy sad wooooo music’ – even as Yeo-jin laughs and says, a little helplessly: “It feels like we keep repeating this.”

Si-mok, on his part, doesn’t even echo her laugh with anything more than the barest smile. Instead, he says, with a deep sincerity: “Take care, Senior Inspector Han.” As I mentioned earlier, there are many ways that they could have written or played this scene to convey even a little more resolution – choosing different music, or having Si-mok smile along with Yeo-jin, or even giving Yeo-jin a bit more notice of his departure so that she can prepare a gift (as if to say, she doesn’t draw as much these days, but she would for his sake). But the viewer is made to feel all of their reluctance, even sadness at this separation, even if those feelings are hidden beneath pleasantries. “Well, I guess I’ll be okay,” Yeo-jin says, as if there’s a possibility that she won’t be – that this is something she has to recover from in the future.

Si-mok considers her words, her phrasing, her demeanour, tilts his head at her again and says: “Is there a chance you won’t be okay?”

This, above all other lines, shows how much Si-mok has grown in the past couple of years because of Yeo-jin’s influence. Whereas he started S1 cold, guarded, and isolated from the rest of his colleagues, he has arrived at a point where he has cultivated enough of an emotional sensitivity to ask her this question – to show her care, just as she has shown care to him and other people around her. I’d even venture to say that Si-mok feels, himself, that there’s a chance he won’t be as okay with their separation as he might have been two years ago. In 2x05, during the conversation with Seo Dong-jae outside the prison, Dong-jae asks Si-mok: “You don’t feel a tad bit sad even if you’re sent far away, do you?” Si-mok answers, “No.” That doesn’t feel so definitive anymore. There isn’t anything either Si-mok or Yeo-jin can do, given that they both prioritise their careers and understand that these careers follow a certain trajectory, but parting feels a little bit harder this time.

Yeo-jin answers Si-mok’s question as reassuringly as she can, with an adorable smile and shake of the head; she lets out an “ah” after she downs her soju, as if to reorient herself. Yet, her cheerfulness in the rest of the scene – her excitement at the food, her over-enthusiastic chewing – rings empty as the sombre music continues to play in the background. For perhaps the first time in the entire series, there is something about Yeo-jin that seems feigned. Strangely, it is Si-mok’s blank expression that represents the more authentic emotion in this scene – communicating the very resignation that Yeo-jin must be feeling inside, beneath a facade that might read as comical in any other context.

“Is there a chance you won’t be okay?” is, in fact, the last thing that Si-mok says in this whole scene, despite quite a few more lines of dialogue from Yeo-jin. The way he looks at her for the rest of the scene, though, is charged with meaning. It seems to say: ‘I don’t really believe that you’re okay, but I’m going to give you space because I can tell you don’t really want to talk right now.’ It’s not as if Yeo-jin hasn’t confided in him before – their phone call in 1x15 was especially intimate – so it’s not that Si-mok is incapable of listening to her. Still, he respects her choice to deflect, and continues to observe her closely while ignoring the pajeon, even leaning forward right at the end of the scene. This very overt concentration on her is something we’ve never really seen from Si-mok before; even in the rooftop scene in 2x06, which is probably the most loaded scene they share after this one, they’re standing beside each other and rarely make eye contact. Here, his focus on Yeo-jin is palpable.

As much as this scene felt heartbreaking to me (thanks breathy sad wooooo music), it actually left me with a lot of optimism for the development of their relationship in the future. Lee Soo-yeon has said that she has enough material for five seasons of the show, and while I’m not so sure we’ll get as many seasons as that, it feels like she’s pushed Si-mok and Yeo-jin out of their comfortable friendship – planting the question, “is there a chance we won’t be okay?” I wonder if we’ll see something quite different in the third season (which is apparently in discussion!), which surely won’t see them on opposing sides again.

I’ve been burned by enough ships that can potentially be read as ‘platonic’ to know that I shouldn’t hope for any overt romance, but Si-mok is such a unique character and has such a unique connection with Yeo-jin that I’m hopeful that their relationship could be deepened with nuance, even if it doesn’t become romantic in ‘recognisable’ ways. (I have other thoughts on his asexuality/aromanticism that I won’t get into here.) It’s precisely because their connection is built on mutual trust, respect, and understanding that it remains so compelling, and I think this scene promises growth, and some resolution, whenever we see them next.

#tvn stranger #secret forest 2 #stranger 2 #stranger #hwanghan

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theonceandfutureking6481 · 3 years

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BBC's Merlin Season 1 Episode 4: The Poisoned Chalice Analysis

This is one of my favourite episodes, in this season, mainly for Merlin and Arthur. They are wonderful in this episode, and this is the first episode where you really see them starting to truly care about each other. This is a show fundamentally about love and the relationships between every character, and Merlin and Arthur are at the core of the show. Everyone in this episode though is so brave, and I admire them all so much. I talk a lot about a lot of different elements of Merlin on here but what I really love about this show is how much the characters inspire me, how much I admire them because I'm not sure I could ever be as brave as these characters, but I'd like to be.

Merlin's courage

There's not much in detail I can say about this but Merlin is so brave at the start of this episode. To burst into the king's hall and publicly accuse another king of attempting to poison Arthur. It's funny but one of the parts of Merlin's courage I most admire isn't his bravery to die for Arthur, it's his willingness to speak out when somethings wrong, his willingness to publicly embarrass himself, his willingness to be brave even when he could be wrong. It's a reachable form of courage, I don't think any of us frequently (or ever) have the opportunity to die for others, but in many ways the fact that we could all be as brave as Merlin in this way, that's what makes it feel so much more unattainable and thus more admirable.

The bigger courage though really is when Merlin drinks from the goblet, honestly even though Uther made him, Arthur probably would have drunk it but Merlin didn't let him. Merlin knew he would die if he drunk from that goblet, because he believed Nimueh to be telling the truth (which she was), but (as Arthur says) "he did it anyway." To meet death so willingly, it's not like jumping in front of someone in the moment in a battle, he had to make the choice to drink that poison because he is willing to sacrifice his life for Arthur's. And it hasn't got anything to do with destiny yet, he cares about Arthur, Arthur's his friend and Merlin's a good person. It's just a very noble moment for Merlin, Uther was making him but at the same time you could see Merlin choosing to drink from it, that's a choice and that was incredibly noble.

Arthur and Uther

There is tension between Arthur and Uther in this episode, between their views on the world and honour. It is, I think essentially summed up in.

Arthur: Because his life's worthless?

Uther: No, because its worth less than yours.

It's funny, you can see Uther's perspective here. He is right about one thing, Arthur is the future king, even if he's not inherently worth more than Merlin the stability of the kingdom rests on a secure succession and Arthur is Uther's only heir, there is more at stake here.

But Arthur's also right, a world in which any single person's life is protected more than others because of their social position is not a good place. It is not something Arthur believes in, but in Uther's world its just a given, it's not even a question that people ask.

Uther: This boy wont be the last to die on your behalf

Arthur: I can't accept that

Arthur never accepts this inevitability, he always seeks to risk his life first before any one else's and people follow him because of that, people (even his enemies) see the nobility in him because of that. His refusal to accept what to Uther appears to be an inevitability of kingship (Not a welcome one granted but one nonetheless) is what's going to make him a better king than Uther. As Morgana emphasises when she's persuading Arthur to go.

Morgana: And what sort of king would Camelot want? One that would risk his life to save that of a lowly servant, or one that does what his father tells him to?

Isn't this really just the point, Arthur will be a better king than his father because for him his right to rule is in some way always premised on his fulfilment of what he sees as right. Arthur is always trying to prove himself, especially in the early seasons. In Season 2 Episode 2: The Once and Future Queen when Arthur is fighting in a tournament under an alias so people don't know its him (and they will hopefully not let him win), you really see this.

Gwen: You have nothing to prove, least of all to me.

Arthur: I have everything to prove, to myself.

This is the fundamental point, Arthur is always trying to prove himself often to his father or others but always primarily to himself. Because he needs to prove to himself that he can rule Camelot, that he is deserving of it, so for the fact that he's going to be king to hold any weight he needs to do what he thinks is right, because if he doesn't then what sort of king would he be anyway?

This ties I think into what I mentioned in the last episode about Merlin and the greater good. The idea that Merlin never really makes the choice to kill Morgana or Mordred, except for in a moment where it was Morgana or Arthur, where it was a certain in the moment choice. Yes, he reaches a point where he tries to let them die but this is different to outright murder, and I think perhaps a Merlin who would have killed them is not a the Merlin we know, it is not a Merlin that could have formed Camelot. Arthur and Merlin's goodness comes from always trying to do the right thing, whatever the sacrifice to themselves, and if they hadn't been those sort of people then there is no way they could have been people who made a better kingdom.

Gaius: Arthur may give you a hard time, but at heart he's a man of honour. Not many people would have risked what he did for a servant

Uther

Uther's interesting in this episode, he has one of his worst moments in the show, not the worst thing he's ever done but certainly one of the worst things we witness. He purposefully lets Merlin die, we could understand it when he wasn't letting Arthur go after him, but to try to destroy Merlin's only hope for a cure to teach his son a lesson, that is cruel and so wrong. This takes valuing Arthur's life more than Merlin's to a whole other level, he values Arthur's obeying of him more than he values Merlin's life.

This goes to another feature of Uther's character I was just thinking about. He constantly mistakes control for love. He seeks to control both his children, he wants them to obey him, and if they openly defy him or disagree with him he punishes them. But he does love them, probably more than he loves anything else. When Morgana stages a coup against him and tells him how much she hates him he is broken, and he literally never recovers he does love them that cannot be denied but he spends so much of his life mistaking his controlling them for an expression of his love. It is an expression of his fear, he is scared of being out of control as he was when his wife died. Magic can be dangerous but mostly it caused him great suffering (although really it was him), so he seeks to control it absolutely, there is no nuance there and this is how he behaves towards his children. Hate and fear are terrible things to be motivated by, and Uther shows that. His hate comes from his fear, and his cruelty comes from there as well.

One thing, Uther does accept his fault at the end of this episode. It's not really adequate but its better than nothing and in its own way shows that Uther is capable of character development, and the fact that he will fail to do it in the most important ways is sad. His moment when he says to Arthur that Nimueh "is evil", it is so clear he is talking more to himself than anyone else. Isn't that a sign of trying to persuade yourself, he has to tell himself that Nimueh's evil cause ultimately she was just doing what he asked, and if he doesn't villainise her absolutely than its his fault too.

The one moment that really does redeem Uther a little in this episode is when he tells Arthur that "You did the right thing... I'm proud of you Arthur, never forget that." The last comment is telling, Uther knows he's not the best father, he knows that Arthur probably doesn't realise that Uther is proud of him. So the 'never forget that' is a reminder, I think, for when Uther inevitably forgets that himself. It is a reminder, for us, in its own way that Uther is trying to be a good father, and at least in this realm Uther realises that he very often fails.

Morgana

One interesting thing I noticed in this episode was how frustrated Morgana is with her life. I've never really noticed it before, but its in everything she says and does, even in the episodes before this. Even before she turns against Arthur and Uther and Camelot she is angry, not just at them, she's angry at her life. You can tell she feels like she doesn't have the power to do anything, like she's being controlled and perhaps like she isn't able to anything good or right because of Uther and her position, she feels pity for all the magic users but she is a part of the body that persecutes them. How do you reconcile that?

Morgana: Sometimes you have to do what you think is right and damn the consequences

There is so much frustration in that, and everything she says in this scene. I don't know exactly what this says about Morgana's character or her eventual place in the story but its interesting to note. Perhaps its to say her hatred of Uther and eventually Arthur isn't only because of her sympathy for magic users and eventually her own fear and feelings of being unloved but perhaps has its roots in her anger at this time, in Uther's control and her own powerlessness.

Merlin and Arthur

This is Merlin and Arthur's episode, so its kind of funny it took me so long to get to them, but there's really not that much to analyse in the wider scheme regarding them. They just are, and they are wonderful.

This is the episode where you see they do truly care about each other and they are truly good friends They risk their lives for each other with barely a second thought, and yes that is partially their own honour and decency but it is also fundamentally their care for each other that motivates them. You can tell when Merlin's thinking about destiny when he saves Arthur, it becomes such a huge part of his characterisation later on even though he loves Arthur more by that point he also admires him more so Arthur's destiny seems more important. Merlin doesn't really admire Arthur that much yet, he respects him and cares about him but the sheer admiration he will have for him comes later, and it is that admiration that makes him care even more about Arthur's destiny, because he believes in it far more. Right now though it is just their goodness and their friendship that motivates them.

The final moment between them though is beautiful. The moment when Arthur goes to Gaius' chambers just to check that Merlin's all right, even though he's obviously been told he is. He brushes it aside as usual, brushes how much he does actually care about what happens to Merlin (I mean Arthur did just go on a perilous quest that could have led to his death for him so I think Merlin gets it). But the moment at the end of that scene is lovely. There is just such mutual respect and recognition of each other and what they've done for each other, and the way they look at each other is just so wonderful.

Merlin: Thank you

Arthur: You too

Nimueh

One quick note about her. We will find out eventually what her motivations really are, that she's obviously not just evil. That she is angry at Uther and understandably so. And I wonder if in her there is a parallel for Uther I hadn't considered before. Both of them were involved in Igraine's death and Arthur's birth. And it was as a result of this action that Uther outlawed sorcery and began the great purge. She out of everyone knows best how hypocritical Uther really is. And in her own way, though it is obviously not her fault, it is her actions that set off the great purge. Uther made the choice to blame her and all magic but nonetheless it was a spell she cast that was the trigger, and I wonder if in her own way she feels guilty (just as Uther feels guilty about his wife's death) but like Uther she takes it out in anger rather than guilt. I'm not saying she should feel guilty, perhaps over Igraine's death but certainly not the great purge. However, she most probably does, and like Uther I think she's refusing to feel that guilt, and to avoid that guilt she chooses hatred and anger instead.

Bravery

Everyone in this episode though, is so brave. Gwen, Merlin, Arthur and Gaius all do risky, brave things that could get them killed, though maybe not killed in Gwen's case but certainly in huge trouble. Gwen sneaks into the dungeons and Gaius does magic. We will learn more about Gaius' character later but he is in many ways not a brave person, he is the sort who witnesses injustice and stays quiet, he's not brave. But he's brave here, he does magic, for Merlin, because he loves Merlin like a son. All the courage and bravery in this show comes from the love people have for others, and that's an important message, that the people we love and our own ability to love others can inspire us to be better people and to be brave.

Their immediate response to Merlin's apparent death moreover is guilty, they have nothing to feel guilty about, it's Uther's fault, but they blame themselves anyway. There is in that a contrast to Uther, who refuses to blame himself. They don't take their pain out in anger, they accept it and even though they have nothing to be guilty for the fact that their immediate response is guilt does say they are better people, braver people than Uther.

Other things

Morgana holding that butter knife ready to fight Bayard's men is the funniest thing ever. Like its an impressive butter knife, but it is still so clearly a butter knife.

Also so many bad guys plans in this show rely on Arthur or Merlin being fundamentally good people, like when your plan involves using people's goodness against them you need to re-evaluate your choices in life. I suppose its part of the point though- that they are willing to harm the innocent or take advantage of goodness in their anger. Uther punishes goodness in this episode.

My new motivational quote—> Gaius: "As the Old proverb says: Hard work breeds..........a harder soul." Merlin: "There is no way that's a proverb. You just made that up."

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song-of-oots · 3 years

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Fuchsia Groan: my (un)exceptional fave

A while ago a friend of mine was asking for people to name their favourite examples of strong female characters, and my mind immediately leapt to Gormenghast’s Fuchsia Groan because it always does whenever the words “favourite” and “female character” come up in the same sentence. In fact scratch that, if I had to pick only one character to be my official favourite (female or otherwise) it would probably be Fuchsia. There are not sufficient words in the English language to accurately describe how much I love this character.

The issue was that I’m not sure Fuchsia Groan can accurately be described as “strong”, and until my friend asked the question, it hadn’t even occurred to me to analyse her in those terms…

Actually this isn’t completely true; Mervyn Peake does describe Fuchsia as strong in terms of her physical strength on multiple occasions. But in terms of her mental strength things are less clear cut. She’s certainly not a total pushover, and anyone would probably find it tough-going to cope with the neglect, tragedy and misuse she suffers through. In fact, this is something Mervyn Peake mentions himself – whilst also pointing out that Fuchsia is not the most resilient of people:

“There were many causes [to her depression], any one of which might have been alone sufficient to undermine the will of tougher natures than Fuchsia’s.”

Anyway, this has gotten me thinking about Fuchsia’s other traits and my reasons for loving her, going through a typical sort of list of reasons people often give for holding up a character as someone to admire:

So, is Fuchsia particularly talented?

No.

Is she clever, witty?

She’s definitely not completely stupid, and her insights occasionally take other characters by surprise, but she’s not really that smart either.

Does she have any significant achievements? Overcome great adversity?

Not really, no.

Is she kind?

Yes. Fuchsia is a very loving person and sometimes displays an incredible sensitivity and compassion for others. But… she can also be self-absorbed, highly strung, and does occasionally lash out at other people (especially in her younger years).

So why do I love Fuchsia so much?

Well, I’ll start be reiterating that I don’t really have the vocabulary to adequately put it into words, but I will try to get the gist across. So:

“What Fuchsia wanted from a picture was something unexpected. It was as though she enjoyed the artist telling her something quite fresh and new. Something she had never thought of before.”

This statement summarises not only Fuchsia but also the way I feel about her (and for that matter the Gormenghast novels in general). Fuchsia is something I’ve never really seen before. On the surface, she fits the model of the somewhat spoiled but neglected princess, and yet at the same time she cannot be so neatly pigeon-holed. It’s not just that her situation and the themes of the story make things more complex (though that is a factor); Fuchsia herself is so unique and vividly detailed that she manages to be more than her archetype. She feels like a real person and, like all real people, she is not so easy to label.

Fuchsia is also delightfully strange in a way that feels very authentic to her and the setting in general (which is particularly refreshing because it can all too often feel as though female characters are only allowed to be strange in a kooky, sexy way - yet Fuchsia defies this trend).

She’s a Lady, but she’s not ladylike. She’s messy. She slouches, mooches, stomps and stands in awkward positions. Her drawing technique is “vicious” and “uncompromising”. She chews grass. She removes her shoes “without untying the laces by treading on the heels and then working her foot loose”. She’s multi-faceted and psychologically complex. Intense and self-absorbed, sometimes irrational and ruled by her emotions more than is wise, but also capable of insight and good sense that takes others by surprise. She is extremely loving and affectionate, and yet so tragically lonely. Simultaneously very feminine and also not. Her character development from immature teenager to adult woman is both subtle and believable. She has integrity and decency – she doesn’t need to be super clever or articulate to know how to care for others or stand up for herself.

Fuchsia is honest. She knows her own flaws, but you never catch her trying to put on airs or make herself out to be anything other than what she is. She always expresses her feelings honestly.

She’s not sexualised at all. I don’t mean by this that she has no sexuality – though that’s something Peake only vaguely touches on – but I don’t really feel like I’m looking at a character who was written to pander to the male gaze (though her creator is male, I get the vibe he views her more as a beloved daughter than a sexual object).

Finally, I find her highly relatable. I am different to Fuchsia in many ways, but we do have several things in common that I have never seen so vividly expressed in any other character. This was incredibly important to me when I was a teenager struggling through the worst period of depression I ever experienced – because she was someone who I could relate to and love in a way I was incapable of loving myself. Her ability to be herself meant a lot to me as someone struggling with my own identity and sense of inadequacy. It didn’t cure my depression, but it helped me survive it.

What am I trying to say with all this?

I love Fuchsia on multiple levels. I love her as a person and also as a character and a remarkable piece of writing. I mention some of the mundane details Peake uses to flesh out her character firstly because I enjoy them, but also because it’s part of the point. Her story amazes me because it treats a female character and her psychological and emotional life with an intense amount of interest regardless of any special talents or achievements she happens to exhibit. She doesn’t fit the model of a modern heroine but neither does she need to – she’s still worth spending time with and caring about.* To me the most important things about Fuchsia are how different and interesting and relatable she is – and how real she feels.

* To be honest, this is part of the point of the Gormenghast novels in general. The story is meant to illustrate the damage that society – and in particular rigid social structures and customs – can do to individuals with its callous indifference to genuine human need. Fuchsia is one of many examples of this throughout the novels. These characters don’t need to be exceptionally heroic in order to matter – they just need to exist as believable people. And despite how strange they all are, they often do manage to be fundamentally relatable.

Why am I talking about female characters in particular here?

The focus on “strong” female characters and the critique against that is pretty widely acknowledged. Growing up, I definitely noticed the lack of female characters in popular media and the ensuing pressure this then places on the ones that do exist to be positive representations of womankind – someone girls can look up to. It’s very understandable that we want to see more examples of admirable female protagonists, given that women were traditionally left to play support roles and tired stereotypes. The problem is that the appetite for more proactive female heroines can sometimes lead to characters who are role models first and realistic human beings second (characters who I mentally refer to as Tick-All-The-Boxes Heroines). It’s not a problem with “strong” proactive heroines per se, but rather lack of variation and genuine psychological depth (not to mention a sometimes too-narrow concept of what it even means to be strong).

Male characters tend not to have this particular problem because they are much better represented across the whole range of roles within a story. You get your fair share of boring worn out archetypes. You get characters who are meant to represent a positive version of heroic masculinity (and now that I come to think of it, having a very narrow and unvarying presentation of what positive masculinity looks like is its own separate problem, but outside the scope of this particular ramble). We don’t usually spend time obsessing over whether a piece of fiction has enough examples of “strong” male characters though, because we’re generally so used to seeing it that we automatically move on into analysing the work and the characters on other terms. And because there are often more male characters than female, they don’t all bear the burden of having to be a positive representative of all men everywhere. They exist to fulfill their roles, and often exhibit more variety, nuance and psychological depth. They are also often allowed to be weird, flawed and unattractive in ways that women usually aren’t (which is a damn shame because I’ve spent my whole life feeling like a weird outsider and yet this perspective is so often told primarily through a male lens).

Tl:dr; Fuchsia Groan is a character who feels like an answer to so many of those frustrations that I felt growing up without even truly understanding why. A large part of why I love her is simply because of how much I relate to her on a personal level. I admire her emotional honesty and her loving nature… But there’s also a part of me that was just so relieved to find a female character who exists outside of the usual formulae we seem to cram women into. She is unique, weird and wonderful (but non-sexualised). Psychologically nuanced and vividly written. She isn’t exceptionally heroic or talented or a high achiever – but she does feel like a real person.

Female characters don’t need to tick all the right boxes in order to be interesting or worth our time any more than the male ones do.

#fuchsia groan #gormenghast #mervyn peake #female characters #mental health #depression #long

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wokestonecraft · 2 years

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I’ve been reading Francesca Bray’s Technology and Gender: Fabrics of Power in Late Imperial China and I have a lot of thoughts about this book, particularly in regards to how history focused on women is handled today. Now, this book was published in 1997, but it and many of the other works it references are still heavily drawn upon today, especially the work of Dorothy Ko and Susan Mann. It has a lot of very solid research in women’s material culture, but the parts I want to draw on are the introductions the various sections that contemplate historiography and the “why's” and “how's” of how historians do history, in regards to each of the subjects. I have a post somewhere about Silvia Federici’s intro to Caliban and the Witch and how she picks apart various approaches to women’s history, and I am glad that I read it this summer before diving deeply in Chinese and women’s history. There’s a lot of context regarding post modernism and post structuralism that colors current historical research that I don’t think the average non-historian is familiar, and that I wasn’t all that familiar with before this year. What sparked this particular post is the section “Medical History and Gender History,” which is Bray’s introduction to reproductive medicine and culture in late imperial China, and she heavily discusses the idea of “bodies” or rather the “body” as both a concept and a tool of analyses. I find this very interesting as there is a very thoughtful discussion of how the body in post structuralism (and Western thought in general) is disconnected from the material relates that shape it, and how this colors research into other societies that may not share these views, and how it can impede our abilities to reconstruct how people in the past viewed themselves and their bodies. While Bray is not nearly as critical as Frederici is, she still points out how important the interaction between material reality and bodies is to thinking about how societies are formed, particularly in regards to gender. One footnote that I think should have been a full-fledged part of the intro continues from this quote: “I find myself at odds with the current trend in feminist theory that dismisses the role of material reality in shaping identity.” In the footnote, Bray continues

“The attitude seems perversely ahistorical. While I agree that ‘discourse’ shapes our understanding and experience of our bodies, I cannot agree that discourse has in effected invented the body, of that it encompasses, because it has created, everything we know and feel through our bodies. Lynne Segal may be right to say “we can only know bodies through discourse” (1994: 228), if we accept the dubious modern Western presumption that all knowledge must be expressible in words. But knowledge is only part of what it means to be human, and to imagine that we can only apprehend our bodies through discourse implies a rarified cerebral and hyperliterate mode of life, lapped by the comforts of modern civilization with its attendants discontents.”

This is particularly relevant as the entire book that this is from is all about material culture, specifically the material culture of women, including the role reproduction played in their lives. Bray coins the interesting and, I think, very useful term “gynotechnics” to referred to the technologies developed and used to manufacture felinity as well as material goods, especially since “gynotechnics” are often dismissed by historians of technology and development as mere “crafts.” How material culture forms ideas of gender and vice versa is an absolutely fascinating part of women’s history, as what work is acceptable for women to do or expected of women is both a reflection and tool of femininity. Within the Chinese context, the ideas of the “outer” vs “inner” sphere has given rise to much debate, especially what it meant for women to be “confined” to the inner quarters. Dorothy Ko has written a very worthwhile book on elite women during the 17th century called Teachers of the Inner Chambers that tackles this discussion, while striving to shed light on the roles women did play and what change they did or did not effect, but the idea of being separate from the body is not as prevalent in Chinese thought as it is the West. Ko has written another article that would lead into her work on the history of foot binding called “The Body as Attire” that focused on the relationship of clothing and the body in Chinese. thought, particularly in regard to signifying civilization versus barbarism, as well. as gender and other social statuses. In essence, the body and the mind are much more linked than in Western thought, which is heavily influenced by the legacy of mind-body dualism, but even the concept of “the body” is different in Chinese thought, encompassing the body itself and clothing. Dorothy Ko writes

“Charlotte Furth, in her studies of gender in Chinese medicine, has reminded us how futile it is to speak of "the body" as a unitary historical subject that is constant across temporal and cultural divides. The classical Chinese medical authorities, for example, conceptualized "the body" in terms of cosmology instead of anatomy:They saw the human body -- the domain of medicine -- not so much as biology as a discourse on embodiment. It took as its subject not the physical body but the patterns of change in human life.”

I feel like that historians who are interested in women’s history as a whole should be aware of the diverse ideas surrounding “the body” and the affect these have had with women across varying cultures, especially in this current time period where academics throw around the idea of “bodies” so casually. In my own personal academic experiences, there is somewhat of a disconnect with the more philisophical domination of certain ideas (I note Judith Butler in particular) and the actual relevance to history. I’m not saying that deconstruction isn’t a useful tool, as asking “why” is one of the key components of history, but at certain point, it can get so abstract to be ultimately irrelevant. Throwing around abstract re-definitions that were created in specific academic context bog down historians, as these ideas filter through the humanities. I think is why I found Bray’s book very compelling, as I think she took a very balanced approached of examining material culture in the context of cultural thought and vice versa.

But these are essentially just my reflections on this book

#Francesca bray #feminism #women's history #radfems #radical feminism #radfems please interact #mine #basically Francesca bray very politely came for their asses lol #I might write more about how post modernism is filtering into all areas of women's history and how it can be useful and detrimental #I really don't like Foucault tho lol'#I find him very condescending

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strangertheory · 3 years

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I hope you’re doing well :)

I'm doing okay. Life has its ups and downs.

I haven't been as active on this blog as I used to be, and I'd like to share with you all a little bit of context and what's going on in my life.

(This is a long post in which I'll overshare a bit and dump some of my feelings into paragraph form, so if anyone doesn't feel up to reading a multi-paragraph post about my depression and anxieties don't feel obligated.)

I have been a freelancer for the last three-ish years. I didn't like the way my former employer treated me or other workers, so I quit and I tried running my own business. It was really great at the beginning. Things felt promising. I had (and still have) customers who I love working with and who value my work. It enabled me and my sweetheart to travel and go backpacking and work remotely and see so many places we'd never been and meet so many new people. But no matter what I did, I couldn't figure out how to make my freelance work grow beyond a certain amount of projects at any given time and I was probably not charging enough for my services for a long while. The pandemic hurt a lot of my work too, and many of my customers disappeared while they tried to figure out what they needed to do for themselves too.

I've been incredibly lucky and in spite of things not working out, I had a wonderful few years running my own remote business while traveling and having experiences I never would have otherwise had. But right now I'm searching for new employment and hoping to find an opportunity in a larger company again while also still working for a few customers who still need me and have continued to hire me for projects, and the job search combined with my freelance work and the pandemic and various other personal life events has made life more complicated and more emotionally stressful.

The job search is a discouraging process. The pandemic has been emotionally draining and stressful, but I am very fortunate and I have been fully vaccinated. But the job search is weighing on me a lot emotionally. I swing between feeling confident in myself and my network and my opportunities, and feeling as though there must be something wrong with me and my skill-set and my resume and that I must be going about things all wrong and fearing that after three years of not making enough to pay the bills while freelancing and after draining all of my savings trying to make my own company work that things aren't going to turn around any time soon.

I've also been feeling a deep emotional wound around my relationship with my family. They care about me on a certain level very, very much... but they don't truly love and accept me as who I am, and they're very prejudiced and set in their ways. This has been weighing on me more lately since I'm recognizing that my parents are getting older but I haven't figured out a way to reconcile with them on issues that mean a lot to me. I just want them to love me as I am and accept me for who I am because I love them so much but I'm struggling to figure out if there's anything I can do to change their mindsets or if I'm even ready to try doing more than what I've already done in my efforts to do that, since it would involve even more emotional energy and vulnerability that might not even make a difference or could even make things worse between us. I think I've already tried and done a lot in my effort to encourage them to change their hearts about things, and I probably need to spend more time seeking therapy and making peace with my lack of control over their ideologies and opinions and to make peace with the way they choose to love me even if they're not accepting of every part of who I am. But it's hard.

And I suppose I also have plenty of anxieties around certain aspects of the online Stranger Things fandom itself these days too. That's certainly also a factor in my absence.

I have really enjoyed sharing my ideas and theories with you all, but I don't want my thoughts and feelings and convictions and ideas that I choose to share to provoke any conflict that I don't have the emotional l energy to process in a healthy way.

I might escape this funk at some point and happily return to writing long posts and analyses about ideas that I have. I don't know how long I'm going to feel the need to take a break. When I have so much in my life that I'm already worried about, I am trying to spend my free time in ways that make me feel happy and I suppose right now I'm feeling emotionally vulnerable and unwilling to share my feelings about a story and characters that I'm overly emotionally invested in. I use fiction to escape from my real-world troubles and to find catharsis, but at times (like right now) I slip into being too emotionally invested to the point of connecting too strongly with fictional scenarios and being concerned with the opinions of other fans in ways that impact my wellbeing in a negative way. I need to sometimes step back a bit until I've recentered myself emotionally.

I value the friendships that I have made in this corner of the internet so, so much. Your interest in my ideas and our sharing of our different theories and our mutual fondness for this wonderful series and its characters has brought me a lot of joy and helped me feel less alone in many ways. But when I'm feeling like my family doesn't understand and respect me and I'm feeling alone, I do need to be wary of looking for finding understanding online when there's a certain culture of misunderstanding and drama if I accidentally wade into the wrong online circles that aren't seeking to understand me or seeking to share their thoughts with me in a mutually respectful way but are seeking to feast on social media drama or people who are seeking out someone to be angry at who they don't know and who they can turn into the scapegoat for their own worries. Strangers online aren't always kind and they aren't always willing to remember I'm just another fan and human being.

So with my depression and my increasing anxiety around my relationships and communities both online and offline I've been quieter here lately. I've been trying to spend less time in fandom spaces and trying to get more time outside in the fresh air, get more sleep, spend time with people who I know love me and allow me to feel heard and understood and respected, and figure out what I need for my health and happiness that I'm struggling to find.

I want to reassure you all that I'm very lucky, that I'm very safe, and that I have no worries about food or a place to live or anything like that and that I have a good network of people in my life who will make sure I'm okay. But depression and anxiety and other undiagnosed mental health struggles and unemployment and family issues can weigh on a person.

I'm still here. Thank you for spending time with me in this corner of the internet even if I've been really quiet lately. I still love Stranger Things. I still appreciate the friends I've made here. And maybe I'll return to blogging more regularly and with enthusiasm and joy when we have new content or when season 4 is released. I don't know where I'll be at emotionally later today, tomorrow, or next week. I'm taking things one day at a time. Sometimes I might write about my ideas and reply to Asks, and sometimes I might not. Sometimes I might reblog posts by others that I appreciate, and sometimes I might not post anything at all for a while. Thanks for understanding. ♥️

#do not reblog #personal

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triptuckers · 4 years

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The Myth of Soulmates - Spencer Reid

Request: no Pairing: Spencer Reid x reader Summary: You believe in soulmates, and you want nothing more but to believe Spencer is yours. But are you ready to confront him about it? Warnings: language Word count: 1.9K A/N: I read about the myth of soulmates according to the greek mythology and boyyy did I love it. I’m also binging criminal minds and head over heels for the entire cast. I haven’t finished it yet (I'm on s6e7 as I'm writing this) so PLEASE no criminal minds spoilers in the comments/reblogs! I’ve included some of the characters that are part of the first few seasons. there’s no spoilers in this. enjoy reading! :)

Being part of the BAU had its pro’s and con’s, as any other job. You loved your job, but weren’t too happy when you received an urgent call from Garcia around midnight. She called to tell you Chicago probably has a serial killer, and the local police had invited the BAU. You changed back into your work outfit, grabbed your go-bag and headed to the plane.

Everyone on the plane is asleep. Except for you and Spencer. You’re sitting in front of him and watch as he’s going over the case files. He had been quite irritated when he arrived, which you thought was unusual. But then Morgan pointed out that he was on a date with a girl he set Spencer up with. This, too, was unusual. Spencer never went on dates. You figured it was probably all Morgan’s plan.

Spencer is murmuring softly to himself as he looks at photos of the crime scenes. He had offered you some of the files, but you told him you needed to rest. You had intended to, but then Spencer sat down in front of you and you couldn’t help but stay awake. You loved looking at Spencer. And now he’s going over case files, it is less likely he’ll catch your eye. Given that the others are all asleep, they also won’t catch you looking at him.

How the rest of the team hadn’t found out you’re head over heels in love with Spencer remains a mystery to you to this very day. They spend their days profiling people, analysing behaviour, getting inside people’s heads. Yet not a single person showed a sign they knew about your feelings for Spencer.

And even if they did know, you weren’t sure something could happen between you and Spencer. Apart from relationships between co-workers being a tense subject and sometimes even forbidden, you didn’t think Spencer felt the same way about you. Sure, you are close, but that’s probably just because you two are the youngest of the team. It’s like you being close with Emily and JJ because they’re women.

Spencer still doesn’t seem to notice you. You’re glad. He’ll probably never feel the same about you, and if he sees you looking at him like that, things would probably be awkward between you two for a long time. And then the others would find out, too, and then you’d probably be too embarrassed to even talk around them.

He never showed any signs he might be into you as well. On top of that, you believe in soulmates. And god, do you want Spencer to be your soulmate. But if he was, you would have known. You didn’t even know if he believed in soulmates himself. He might. And if he does, there’s still a big chance you’re not his soulmate.

You decide that drowning in your own thoughts about him isn’t going to help you. You’ll just stick to looking at him when he’s not looking at you, and to talking with him about other things than work.

‘Hey Spencer?’ you say. He hums to let you know he heard you, but doesn’t take his eyes off the files in front of him. ‘Do you believe in soulmates?’ you ask him. The question makes him look up this time. ‘Why do you want to know?’ he says. ‘Just curious.’ you reply a bit too quickly.

Spencer closes the case file and leans back into his chair, looking at you. ‘I don’t know, to be honest. If soulmates are real, how do you know when you’ve met them? And what if they’re not how you expected them to be? What if you don’t like them? There’s a lot of possibilities, but the concept of soulmates does intrest me.’ says Spencer.

‘Are you familiar with the myth of soulmates according to Greek mythology?’ you ask him. Spencer shakes his head. ‘No, I’m not.’ Yes he is. But he wants to hear it from you. Your face lights up as it always does when you get excited about a topic. Or maybe just because you know something Spencer doesn't. Which is rare.

‘It’s really interesting. According to the myth, humans weren’t how we are today. They were born with four arms, four legs, and a head with two faces. Humans were very proud but also dangerous. They soon became a threat to the Gods. Because they wanted to become the new Gods, in a way. And so the Gods didn’t like that, obviously. And Zeus came up with a solution. He split the humans in half. Not only would there be more humans to worship them, but they wouldn’t be as powerful and proud. But the humans were just miserable and in pain, and they had so spend the rest of their lives looking for their other half, their soulmate. They wouldn’t eat or sleep and didn’t care if they died. They were heartbroken, literally. Because their heart got broken in two.’ you say.

‘Wow.’ says Spencer. ‘I didn’t know that.’ Yes he did. ‘It’s fascinating, right? Makes you look at the world in a totally different way.’ you say. ‘So, do you believe in soulmates, then?’ Spencer asks. ‘Oh, I certainly do. I don’t know if I believe the myth, but I believe there’s a special someone for everyone. It just makes sense to me.’ you say.

Spencer nods slightly, and turns his head to look out the window. You don’t look out the window, your eyes are still fixed on Spencer. ‘How would you know if you met your soulmate, though?’ asks Spencer. ‘I don’t know. I just know. You just feel it, I think. That doesn’t make sense.’ you chuckle. ‘Yeah, it does.’ says Spencer. ‘I can’t explain it either, but I understand what you’re trying to say. It’ll probably be like someone turned on the lights in your mind.’ ‘Yes, I suppose so.’ you say.

‘What if you never meet your soulmate, though? That’s also a possibility.’ says Spencer. ‘I don’t know what I’d do if I never met my soulmate.’ you say truthfully. ‘Really? You think that’s all that matters?’ says Spencer. ‘Well, no. But I’ve dreamed of meeting my soulmate ever since I was a little kid. For as long as I can remember.’ you say. ‘What if you’ve already met them but didn’t realise it?’ says Spencer. ‘Oh, I really hope I’ve already met them.’ you say.

Spencer raises his eyebrows and chuckles. ‘You said that fast. Someone on your mind?’ Fuck. Calm down. He can’t know. Then again, he’s a genius. He could have figured it out a long time ago he just didn’t tell you. But how do you hide something like that? What if he found out and didn’t tell you because he’s not interested in you like that?

‘Y/N?’ says Spencer. You hadn’t realised how far you sunk into your thoughts. ‘Sorry. Dozed off for a second.’ you say. ‘Yes, I noticed. I asked if there was someone on your mind?’ he asks. ‘Actually, there is someone on my mind, yeah.’ you say, avoiding eye contact. ‘Really? Who?’ he says. ‘Like I’m gonna tell you.’ you say and you chuckle.

‘I can keep a secret.’ says Spencer. You shake your head. ‘It’s not about wether you can keep it a secret or not.’ you say. Spencer gasps. ‘Is it someone we both know?’ he says. ‘Shh!’ you say. ‘You’ll wake the team!’ ‘Aha! So it is someone we both know!’ he says cheerfully. ‘But there aren’t a lot of people outside work that we both know. So it must be someone that works in law enforcement. That’s still a lot. You’d have to see them frequently, and know them.’ he’s talking fast. He’s talking to himself rather than to you. He’s solving it as he’s talking. ‘But other than the team we don’t see people at work that regularly. So that means it’s someone on the team. It’s not Rossi, he’s way too old. Not Hotch, either, he’s also too old. Morgan doesn’t seem like your type so that leaves...’ Spencer finally looks up at you. ‘Me.’ he says softly.

‘I’m going to get a fresh cup of coffee.’ you say hastily and you quickly get up and walk away from Spencer. You pour yourself a cup of coffee as slow as you can. However, after some time you can’t stall anymore. You slowly walk back to your seat, not looking at Spencer. There’s an awkward silence between the two of you as you drink your coffee and try to remain calm.

‘Why didn’t you tell me?’ says Spencer. ‘You and your stupid genius brain.’ you mutter softly. ‘I kept it to myself for so long. I should’ve never said anything about that stupid myth.’ ‘Actually, I already knew about that myth.’ says Spencer. You glance at him before quickly looking out the window again. ‘Not helping, Spence.’ you say. ‘Sorry.’ he says. ‘Wait, if you already know the myth, then why did you say you didn’t?’ you ask, giving him a confused look.

Spencer shrugs. ‘Wanted to hear it from you.’ he says. You narrow your eyes at him. ‘Why?’ you say. He shrugs again. ‘Just because.’ he says.

You shake your head. ‘No. You always have a reason for everything. Your reason can’t be “just because”, that’s not like you at all.’ you say. ‘I wanted to hear it from you.’ says Spencer. ‘That’s the reason. Because you’d tell me.’

You give him another confused look. ‘I don’t get it.’ you say. Spencer sighs. ‘Look, I’m really not good about talking about my feelings.’ he says, his cheeks turning slightly red. ‘But when Morgan set me up for a blind date, I didn’t dare to say no. I’ve never wanted to go on a blind date. Morgan said I needed to go out more and maybe I do. I just hoped it’d be with you.’

‘If you’re messing with me, Spencer, it’s really not funny.’ you say. ‘No, no, I’m not.’ he says quickly. ‘Look, on the first day we met at the BAU I instantly memorised how you like your coffee so I could get you some if you wanted it. I always sit next to you on the plane or in front of you because I like looking at you. You make me feel like no one has made me feel before. Whenever I’m with you I feel safe and calm. Like coming home after a long day. I just feel at home when I’m with you. I swear, I’m not messing with you.’ he says.

‘If you felt that way, how come you never showed it?’ you say, failing to repress a smile. ‘I told you, I’m not good when it comes to talking about feelings. And also I never really thought you’d feel the same.’ he says. ‘Well, I’m glad I brought up that myth.’ you say. Spencer smiles at you. ‘Yeah, me too.’

You glance over his shoulder at the sleeping team members. ‘You think they heard anything?’ you say. Spencer looks over his shoulder at the others. They’re all fast asleep, no one showing any signs they woke up during your conversation with Spencer. ‘I don’t think so.’ he says. ‘Good.’ you say. ‘Let’s just keep this between the two of us ‘til we solve this case and get back home. Then we can figure it all out, okay?’ you say. ‘Okay.’ says Spencer and he smiles at you again.

‘So, you’ve read all about the case. What do you think so far?’ you say. Spencer takes the files in his hands and looks at them. He starts explaining his thoughts but you’re too busy looking at him to listen to what he's saying. After a few minutes, he’s onto you and catches your eye. You smile and he blushes. At least you could look at him without being afraid he’d catch you looking at him.

A/N: If you want to request something, make sure to read my house rules Here’s the list of characters I write for. Everything that I have written can be found on my masterlist. Please don’t repost my work, as I spend much time and effort on it!! Thank you for reading! Much love, Jo

#carliehansonwya #Spencer reid x reader #Spencer reid #criminal minds #Spencer reid x you #Spencer reid imagine #Spencer reid oneshot #Spencer reid fluff #Spencer reid blurb

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companionship · 3 years

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okay one big post to get the finale out of my system! it's been lovely reading all of your analyses and reactions, and looking at all your amazing gifs and edits :')

fair warning: this is going to be so stinking long omfg

the things i enjoyed:

vincenzo remaining an anti-hero through and through, especially the fact that he didn't hold back at all when it came to myunghee and hanseok's death. he gave them a taste of their own medicine and then some forreal, their deaths were brutal but oddly satisfying, and i'm saying this as someone who usually hates violence/gore. throughout the show, they've always hinted at what he was Truly Capable Of and boy did we get to see it

vincenzo fumbling in hanseok's house and not being his usual self – a lot of people thought it was ooc, which i understand! i felt like that was the Point, to show that for once, he's not the invincible mafia consigliere that everyone thinks he is. what he did to the man who killed his mother and the army of security guards was a reaction, but this is the first time he's flustered, caught at a disadvantage, and faced with the very real possibility that he might lose somebody incredibly important to him. idk it made him more human to me

vincenzo literally not hesitating for even 0.1 seconds to fold his entire body around hers when he thought hanseok was going to shoot again – yeah that whole bit made my heart clench i feel like a crazy person i won't get over it

the chayenzo hospital scene... my god it was so tender my heart broke. the laugh they both shared, out of sheer relief that she's okay. the little joke about paying for the private room. the way not much was being said, but everything was being said at once. the way they looked at each other, as if it wouldnt ever be enough :( the quiet acceptance that this is their last night together, and that he's going to have to kill a bunch of people after this, but for now they have this. for however brief.

chayoung being chayoung – her big ass personality at the courtroom at the end after winning ms oh's case. her hopping around in those heels, looking elegant and sleek, mocking the hell out of rich conglomorates. she's in her element again and it made me so, so happy to see. i absolutely adore her, she's everything really. after all that loss and the whole ordeal, i'm glad she's able to return to what she does best: putting capitalists back in their place

mr lee being Very Much Not Dead – idk how i wouldve been able to handle it after witnessing hanseo's death like im glad he got the chance to be a dad

the kiss – my god....

the things i didn't like:

hanseo's death – lmao is it even a surprise... say what you will about his death being foreshadowed, but i really just hated hated it. i hate that hanseok won this one. i hate that hanseo worked so hard to redeem himself, only to lose it all. i hate that he was given a taste of what a real family was like, and then having it taken away so cruelly. even though i said above that i didn't mind that vincenzo was ooc at the mansion, i was still screaming at the screen because there were plenty of opportunities for the situation to be reversed. i don't necessarily blame vincenzo for hanseo's death, but i do wish that they had a funeral scene for him. i wish they acknowledged his sacrifice, and how pivotal he was in turning the tables. if not for hanseo, vincenzo really couldn't have pulled any of this off, from the interpol tipoff to the tracking device in the watch. idc idc hanseo is in malta rn, enjoying the sun and the beach, going to therapy, and teaching the local kids how to play hockey even though there's no ice :(

chayoung being bedridden the whole finale – like... NAH lmao this aint it chief... if things went my way, she wouldve gotten out of the hospital depite her injury and dealt with myunghee before handing her off to vincenzo. i loved their animosity for each other, and i wanted chayoung to be the one at myunghee's apartment waiting for her, rubbing it into her face. i wanted chayoung to verbally finish myunghee with that sharp ass tongue of hers and really dump a load of salt on her wounds. then vincenzo could do whatever the hell he wanted. you could argue that the show is called Vincenzo but i really dont care lmao it started with chayoung avenging her dad and she should've been able to strike the final blow. also what was her big second party? are we really just going to ignore her capacity for evil? after all that moral work done, after that time she spent coming to terms with using evil to combat evil, we're just going to... keep her bedridden? park jaebum u will pay for this

vincenzo losing his family – besides hanseo's death, i think this was what i hated the most from the ending. the start of the show showed us vincenzo's departure from the mafia with the very clear intention of Not Returning. the capo died, his loyalties lie with no one, paolo can suck it. throughout the show, we see him repeat over and over that he wants to get the gold and skip off to malta to enjoy a peaceful life there, while reflecting/repenting for the things he's done. vincenzo was gearing up for a lifetime of solitude. the whole point of the show was for him to find a real family and have a real chance at happiness. park jaebum really said FUCK THAT! we're gonna have him ditch the family that he built from scratch with the love of his life and then make him return to the family that tried to kill him AND make him the capo... pjb said we're gonna separate vincenzo from the family that accepts his past and sees it as a strength and not a weakness. the family that was formed out of solidarity, the family that he fought for and fought alongside with blood, sweat and tears. not to mention the goddaughter of his? sorry i would laugh if it didn't actually rile me up so bad

vincenzo not being able to come back to korea – i've said this in another post of mine, but given that he is The Vincenzo Cassano with all those resources at his disposal (guillotine file, mr ahn/mr cho/the chief etc.), the fact that he isnt even able to stay in korea for 30 fuckin minutes after finishing hanseok was ridiculous. the whole police chase was dumb as hell considering that the show has managed to stop politicians and mf presidential candidates from going after him like ? huh LMAO park jaebum had an on-demand pigeon army in this show and Yet he can't stop like 10 suddenly-righteous policemen. another big ass HUH

chayenzo (here we go...):

NOPE! i've reflected on the ending and decided that i'm going to be petty and salty for a while more before coming to terms with it

i can rationalise and try to be positive and tell myself that their love is enduring can transcend space and time and that in due time, they will find their way back to each other, and i have no doubt that they will because they're one soul in two bodies. it's quite literally canon that they're soulmates.

but let me wallow for a second

here we have two people who have done questionable and terrible things in their past coming together, growing together, grieving together, fighting together... you get the gist of it. you have two people who have found a home in each other. two people who, for all intents and purposes, were about to live in a whole lot of bitterness and solitude if not for each other and the life they built together (chayoung didn't have friends like that, and her family is gone too). to separate them like that at the very end is cruel. i know chayoung and vincenzo are mature and incredible and will be able to function without the other next to them. i know that they will still excel as lawyers and will defeat evil with their underhand methods the way they do so well but my god are they going to feel the absence and miss each other

my point is that they shouldn't have to. from what i could tell, they can't even communicate on a regular basis bc he'll be tracked and whatnot, hence the postcards. a postcard every month is a poor substitute for all those nights they stayed up drinking makgeolli and celebrating their wins. its a shitty replacement for coffee dates and fist bumps and all the moments in between. after everything they've been through, after literally fighting to death for their family, they don't deserve this. they don't deserve to meet up once a year for a couple of hours. they don't deserve pockets of time in malta or korea, their life in a perpetual countdown to when they're going to see each other next

they both deserve love and some semblance of peace (finally finally). they both deserve to have someone to come home to after a hard day of work, because doing what they do cannot be easy. they both deserve a family, deserve to have someone next to them that accepts their past and would embrace their future. they both deserve a hand to hold and a shoulder to lean on. i know they will still be It for each other despite the distance, i just wish the distance didn't even exist in the first place bc its stupid and cruel and their love shouldnt have to be proven or tested with time and space. let them stay together. let them grow together. let them be.

side note: song joongki and jeon yeobeen need another project together idc take it up with god

tl;dr: park jaebum u will be paying for my therapy bills

#vincenzo #tvn vincenzo #this was cathartic #if u made it to the end here's ur kiss #this is more for archival purposes than anything #also this is what happens when my best friends arent caught up yet and i have no outlet

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wouldduskwood · 3 years

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Descendants of Despair Part 44

During the drive back, Jake began casting awkward glances in my direction. I hoped he wasn’t regretting what had happened. I definitely wasn’t. Finally, my curiosity got the better of me. “What is it?” I asked. “Uh...I probably should have asked this before we had sex for the first time...but…” he paused and raised an eyebrow. “You’re concerned I might get pregnant?” I asked, grinning at his discomfort in asking. Jake nodded without taking his eyes off the road. His fingers tightened around the steering wheel. “Look, it isn’t that I am opposed…but…” I put my hand on his thigh and squeezed it gently. “We are hardly in the position to provide a good home for anyone. I have the contraceptive implant in my arm. It works for around 5 years, so I have a good 3 years left on this one...look...I am very real about what can happen when a woman is out alone. I won a lot, but I also lost some. Even though I had moved off the street...I hadn’t forgotten it...this gave me some peace of mind.” I replied warily. Everything in my life had revolved around the horrors I had faced growing up. Now, safe with Jake, it was easy to forget until I was faced with a situation like this. Jake’s hand gripped mine. “I won’t let anything happen to you,” he declared. “No matter what.”

I struggled to form an answer, so instead kissed Jake’s cheek lovingly. He turned and smiled at me briefly before returning his eyes to the road. We drove the remainder of the way in silence. As we arrived back home, Jake took my hand and led me through to his set up. Sitting on the floor with an arm around me, he caressed my hair as he checked everything that had happened while we had been out. Finally, satisfied we were safe, he glanced in my direction. “You look exhausted. How about we shower then we need to get some sleep so we don’t make mistakes tomorrow.” I nodded warily and allowed Jake to lead me through to the bathroom. We showered together, embracing each other as we washed. Finally, as the water began to cool, we got out, dried off and dressed for bed.

I fell asleep as soon as I lay on the floor in Jake’s arms, waking to the sun breaking. Jake was still snoozing, his arms wrapped lightly around me. As I moved, he woke quickly. “Mmh, everything okay?” he whispered as he kissed my head. “Yeah… nervous I guess.” I mumbled. “Trust me, I am too…” he acknowledged. “We will get the camera work done this morning. All going well, I will have eyes in there by this evening. If not, we abandon and...I dunno...forget Phil?” Jake grinned hopefully. I pushed him lightly, feigning anger at him then pulled myself out of his arms and began to get ready.

We left not long after we had woken, too edgy to stay around the house and complete the menial tasks of cleaning and laundry that we usually occupied ourselves with in the mornings. I dressed in the business suit we had managed to obtain during an outing one day and tied my hair back in a bun. Some glasses with fake lenses completed my business ensemble. The drive towards town seemed quick as I barely had time to get my thoughts together when we were pulling up a street away from the police station, far enough that the cameras wouldn’t pick up our car from being in the area and close enough to jam the signal. I sat quietly, allowing Jake to work and internally panicking.

This whole situation was out of my depth. Usually, when I needed something, I came up with a quick plan then barrelled head first into action. Being able to think on my feet and adapt to situations was what had kept me alive at this point. But now, Jake’s concern for my well-being was beginning to leach into my own concerns. Suddenly happy with my place in life, I wasn’t willing to lose that. “Okay, done.” Jake sighed as he leaned back in his seat. “Now, they may try and solve the problem themselves or they may contact a real firm to fix them. I guess we just need to wait and see.”

I nodded warily. Wait and see was always a tough game. We occupied ourselves by attempting small talk. It wasn’t always an easy task as the situation meant we were trying to remain light and breezy... but most of our lives before now had been anything but that. After a while, we started kissing instead. It was a lot easier than talking and made us both feel connected. Finally, after what seemed like hours, our decoy phone began to ring. Jake cast me a quick look, his eyes wide. He handed me the phone and I swallowed sharply before answering.

It was only a few minutes of my life, but it felt like an eternity, under Jake’s anxious gaze. Finally, I hung up the phone and handed it back to him, completely ready to throw it at him. “It’s set up, I’ve got access in half an hour.” I stated as calmly as I could. Jake nodded warily and sat back in his seat, his eyes closed and breathing heavy. I looked at him helplessly, unsure what to say or do to make the situation any better. Finally, he took a deep breath, turned to face me and smashed his lips against mine for a moment. Then, he turned his back on me. “You have everything you need. Go.” Jake said coldly.

I knew why he did it, but it was still unnerving. Not a good way to start. Walking towards the prison, I rehearsed over and over the routine we had established. Upon reaching my destination, I found I had never been more intimidated by a building than this one. It wasn’t the security or the fact that the building was swarming with police and criminals. It was the sudden realisation that I was completely alone in this and nothing from my past could entirely prepare me for what was coming. Being with Jake had lowered my defenses.

‘Confidence is key,’ I told myself as I made my way through the security, flashing the ID lanyard Jake had put together. I couldn't believe the idiot didn't check to make sure the ID was genuine. Making my way to the desk, I signed in, only partially listening to the complaints they were making about the downed cameras. Rather, I spent the time analysing my surroundings, looking for easy escape routes and things that might potentially stand in my way. I followed my guide through a couple of corridors and found myself in the security control room of the prison. Screens flicked between various angles, all showing black. The angles changed every 10 seconds or so, shown by a location and camera ID displaying under each blank picture. “Okay, I will just need a bit of time to work through the system and find the bug.” I stated firmly, placing myself in the seat usually occupied by security.

I logged into the network, using the details they had so haphazardly provided me. To begin with, I opened a simple command shell programme, hoping that the string commands I typed would be enough to fool them into thinking I was doing the job they had employed me for. Sitting back in my chair like I was in for a long wait, I looked towards my companions and said; “Now I just have to wait for the programme to pick up on whatever is going on. It may take a while. If you have other work that needs to be done, I can stay here and man this. This system is out of commission until it runs through anyway so all I can do is sit and stare at the screens.” I said, aiming to infuse as much conviction as I could in my statement. My unassuming form coupled with a look of boredom was enough to have them look at each other then agree to leave me to it. I knew that I wouldn’t have long alone, so I had to act fast.

Taking a USB from my pocket, I quickly plugged it into the back of the system and sent Jake a message that I was ready to go. I watched as Jake’s hack appeared on screen, various scrolling strings of complex code appeared with a task progress bar. I watched impatiently as the code ran, hoping that we would have enough time to get through before I was sprung. Around 10 minutes later, I received a message on screen claiming success. I quickly penned a message to Jake to let him know his application had been a success and I had completed my part of the mission, then I hid all traces of the application as best as I could just as the security team arrived back. Thankfully, Jake reinstated the camera network just as they arrived.

“Good timing,” I smiled. “It looks like it was just a failure from overloading. I have fixed that and given it a bit more leeway in case of overload in the future.” I shook their hands then led the way out, trying not to run as the cameras would now pick up on my face. As soon as I left the station and was clear of their cameras, I took off running to one of the escape routes I had practised. My phone began buzzing and I answered it quickly, while running. “Which route are you taking?” Jake asked urgently. “A.” I replied hastily as I jumped. “I’ll be at the fire escape when you arrive.” He announced and my line went dead just as I heard something behind me and turned to see a figure running over the building I was on. Without thinking, I jumped onto the final building and headed straight down the fire escape, landing just as Jake arrived.

Rushing into the car, I closed the door quickly behind me. “Drive,” I growled. Jake cast me a concerned look but followed my instruction. I turned to see whether my pursuer had kept up but couldn’t make out anything as we were travelling too fast.

“What happened?” Jake snarled. “I thought everything had gone well?” “Someone was waiting…” I stuttered.

Part 45

#duskwood jakexmc fanfic #duskwood jake x #duskwood jakexplayer #duskwood jake x player #duskwood jake x mc #duskwood fanfiction #duskwood fanfic #duskwood #duskwood jakexmc #fanfiction #fanfic #jake x mc #jakexmc #hackerman

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writeraquamarinara · 3 years

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as with everything else in life, I’m late to making this post. I tend to make one around Jan 1st every year, but it’s now a few days after that, and all i can say for myself is that time is non-consequential during a pandemic, right? right.

anywho, this is my usual “thank you for keeping me going this year” post, but with even more fervor. 2020 would not have been nearly as tolerable without you all in it. and when i say all i really do mean all. thank you to anyone who follows me here or has read and supported my work on AO3 or has sent me a message or an ask or even just likes my posts. you can never know how many people’s hearts you’ve touched, lives you’ve made better, but i’m telling you now: you made me smile and laugh and feel love in a year that could have easily stolen all that. thank you for sticking around.

a few more specific shoutouts are under the cut to keep from flooding your dashes. i hope you’re all having a wonderful start to the new year.

much love, mari

to @anniemurphys: ria, i cannot thank you enough, for so many things. you played such a vital role in turning this year around for me. your friendship, and the friendships you’ve helped me make through book club, kept me smiling from week to week. i never wanted to leave our meetings, no matter how long they’d already gone. I could listen to your literary analyses and life advice for days on end. you’re such a kind, patient, loving person, and I’m so lucky to have you in my life. here’s to another year of freaking out over taylor swift albums and the power inherent in voluntarily turning oneself into vegetation.

to @bigdsgirl: heidi, you’re one of the sweetest, most hard-working people i know. you amaze me, and you graciously humor my latest hyper fixations—somehow always knowing, always reblogging content related to what i’m obsessing over at the moment. you give such great advice and have such a calming presence that i love being in chats and on calls with you. i cannot wait for more zoom movie nights in 2021.

to @hellodinoflower: raptor, you’ve supported me for so many years now, and whenever i feel down about my writing i’ll go back through the comments on some of my old fics and yours always make me tear up. you’re so thoughtful and kind and excited about my work that i cannot help but be the same. i hope you enjoyed the little dino reference in pride & publishing—i tried my best, i really did—and i hope you’re doing well. sending you so much love.

to @soyforramen: soy, i promise i’ll get to your head canon asks some day. i promise i haven’t forgotten them; i’m just uncreative and uninspired, but what else is new. you, however, are brilliant and kind and thoughtful, and your guidance in making both life and fic-writing decisions has been so important to me this year. wishing you so much luck with school this year, and even more happiness.

to @ithoughtyoulikedmereckless: rach, where to even begin? you’re the person i talk to when i’m feeling happy or sad or annoyed or angry or pretty much anything, really. our FaceTime convos are my favourite, no matter what time of day we have them at (somehow, the ones at 10pm are just as crazy as the ones at 3am, and i don’t really understand how or why, but i love that for us). i’ve learned so much about myself through my conversations with you, and you keep me level headed when i start doubting myself too much. you understand me on such an amazing level and i’m so lucky that you reached out to me so many years ago. i’m so lucky that we just happened to find each other on here and just so happened to move near each other this year. i still cannot believe i get to see you in person and go on walks in the woods with you. you’re such a talented photographer, writer, painter, baker, and all around artist; an incredibly kind and funny person; and i aspire to be you. i’m rambling now, but just know that i love you.

to @catthecoder: lav, my light, my love. seeing your icon and username on my dash makes me smile so hard. you just give off the best vibes and chatting with you always leaves me feeling like i’ve been basking in the sunlight for the past few hours. we need to make a resolution to sprint with each other more often this year, even if 2021 is going to be as hectic as ever, as i find so much joy in reading your snippets as we go along. you’re such a wonderful writer, and i often read your gift to me from years ago for inspiration and comfort. i hope you’re doing well and am sending so much love.

to @stirringsofconsciousness: stirrings!! i know you’ve had a super busy year, but you still made time to chat with me and i’ll be forever grateful. i often think about the advice you’ve left for me and the thoughtful responses you’ve given to my personal posts and find so much inspiration in your own words and actions. i also still cannot get over the time when you sent me a post of artful vases because you thought of me when you saw them. mortifying ordeal of being known who? anyways lol, i just wanted to thank you for being in my life and wish you a happy 2021.

to @heavy-lies-the-crown: alex, i just wanted to thank you for putting your time and energy towards answering my incessant questions this year. you’ve been an inspiration to me as a writer ever since i first found your work, but you’re also an inspiration to me as a person, and i’m always thinking about the advice you’ve given me. i hope you had a wonderful end to 2020, and that 2021 brings you even more joy than seeing your posts on my dash brings me. much love.

to @stonerbughead: maria, you brought so much happiness to my 2020. your support for my work took my breath away every time, and I swear I nearly cried when I saw your latest comments on pride and publishing. you put so much time and energy into this fandom, and into supporting the people in it, and I hope you know that it doesn’t go unnoticed. we all love you, and we’re so lucky to have you; your fics are brilliant, your podcast highlights are a joy to read, and your disdain for ras is hilarious. thank you for being you. sending lots of love.

to @sullypants: sully, it’s been years and i still marvel at how lucky i am to know you. you’ve taught me so much, from how to be more thoughtful to how to navigate therapy and self-love to how to be a kinder person in the world. you introduced me to ask polly and you send me really nice asks and you’re one of like four people who interacts with my posts on a consistent basis, which makes me feel a little less alone in the world, if that makes any sense. i’m going to stop myself from rambling on or else i might cry, but i just wanted to thank you for—here comes the cliche—changing my life (doesn’t everyone we meet change our lives, in some way or another? but you’ve changed mine considerably, and for the better). sending you so much love (in the form of both yellow and blue heart emojis)

to @justcourbeau: mel, our paths cross less frequently now than they used to, but that doesn’t mean i don’t think about you and the conversations we’ve had, or smile when i come across your posts on my dash, or when i happen to open up instagram once in a blue moon and see you’ve posted on your story. please never stop sending me sparknotes memes—especially cask of amontillado ones. your words of advice from the night i called you, distraught, a few years ago live in my brain rent free, and i will continue to carry them into 2021 with me. i hope 2021 treats you well, and that you achieve all you want and more. sending you an immense amount of love.

to @protectorofthesmoll: your string of comments on pride and publishing made me cry multiple times, i swear. i still read them back every so often, when i’m trying to muster the courage to start up on the new chapter. your support means so much to me, and it amazes me how far back it goes: I’m pretty sure I have at least two asks of yours sitting in my inbox, from back in 2018 when I had barely any followers or supporters, both of them writing prompts that I never filled. i promise i’ll get to them one day. anywho, i just wanted to thank you for your support this year, and every year before that. wishing you so much love and happiness in 2021.

to @panalegs27: 2020 was the year of figuring out that we have so much in common: a hatred of dating apps, confusion over tumblr’s obsession with the raven cycle, and an attraction to logan lerman with gray hair. thank you for chatting about all of these things, and more, with me; seeing that you’ve sent me a post always makes me smile, and our conversations make me laugh. wishing you even more love and laughter in 2021.

to @indiebughead: maria, it’s been so lovely getting to know you more over the course of this year. i love listening to your stories and living vicariously through you, lol. (i want updates on new neighbor boy, asap!) thank you for listening to my petty rants and for encouraging me to make bad decisions and be salty on main when i want to be. i couldn’t have asked for a more supportive conspirer ;) sending lots of love.

to @redundantoxymorons: iz, you’re one of the smartest, most eloquent, most supportive people i know. i know 2021 will be both stressful and exciting in many ways, and i wish you all the best. i know you’re going to thrive wherever you end up, and i’ll cheer you on as you navigate this new world, just as you’ve done for me all these years. i’m so lucky to have you as a friend, supporter, and beta, and all of our conversations bring me so much joy. pls continue to gush about taylor swift and rec books and send uquizzes with results that make me feel Known in 2021. i love you very much <3

to @cracklr: leda, i’ve missed your passive aggressive smiley faces, but your gushing insta comment more than made up for that, i promise :) sending you so much love and happiness in this new year <3

to @dottie-wan-kenobi: dottie, the posts we send each other make me so upset, but in a good way—the “if i just had to see this nasty shit then so do you” kind of way—and i love that about our relationship. who else would understand how disgustingly hilarious something is other than my wife? no one, that’s who. i often think about how you were the first friend i made in fandom, and i’ll be forever grateful for that: i couldn’t have found a better person. i love you so much, and am sending you all my love.

this list of shoutouts is really much shorter than it should be, but my brain is currently friend and i cannot seem to think properly anymore. therefore, i’m going to call it a day and reiterate my above statements that I love you all, and I hope you have a fucking amazing 2021.

#i can't find my 2019 one of these so i've decided i need to start tagging them with something so i can read them back #so for posterity:#end of the year appresh #anywho #none of this is edited or read over #so if it's embarrassingly cheesy or there are typos... welp

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