#also fight scenes are so long bestie like what am i supposed to look at
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ok but daredevil better get a cooler looking suit soon bc he looks like that one suit bruce had i think in the dark knight movies idk i don’t remember
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Chemical Romance
Pairing: Chris Evans x Reader
Summary: Chris won’t have you running away from him. You’re his. He owns your heart, and now he’ll own all of you.
Words: 4.5k
Warnings: RPF, smut, slight dubcon(ish), jealous and possessive Chris, toxic relationship, recording without permission, forced marriage
A/N: I wrote this months ago and pulled it out to share it with my bestie @donutloverxo . Berry finally convinced me to post this and helped me beta this. Babe, I love you!
You were way past your teenage years, and yet you had the urge to giggle like one. If you licked your lips, you could still taste the trace of wine that had stained his lips. The memory of them pressing against you, brushing gently until they tangled in a mix of tongue and teeth had a delicious heat burning in your face. This was a good date, the third good date with a good man you met, and you were excited for more.
Looking over your shoulder you saw the lights of his car disappearing in the dark of night and you sighed contently, shutting your door behind you and dropping your keys in the bowl by the door. All of a sudden, your body broke into goosepimples, a chill settling over you and it took you a moment to understand why. Your body was recognizing the dark presence before your mind could.
“Good evening sweetheart. Had a good date?”
The door was right behind you, you could easily grab your car keys right now and run away. And yet all you could do was hold onto the wall as your knees trembled. You’d never been good at running away from him anyway.
Chris was lounging on your sofa, watching you with those arresting blue eyes that you knew changed shades with his mood. His beard was thicker than the last you’d seen him, and his lips were pulled into a sardonic smirk, eyes glinting furiously.
“How?” You sputtered, still rooted to your spot. You could run, you should run, but you knew you wouldn’t go far. He let you go only so far to give you a false sense of achievement, a mere taste of relief and freedom until he snatched you back to himself.
“I always think that every time you leave, it would be the last. You’ll realize that its futile, you’ll realize that we’re meant to be together.” Chris said, “But never did I imagine you to be stupid enough to be with another man.”
His voice had been described as dreamy by many, even by yourself, but right now it only rang of danger and anger. Softness was Chris’s weapon, to deliver the meanest words with a smile that was poison sweet. One time, you had loved to taste that poison yourself. Did it still run in your veins and taint you?
Looking at you from under his lashes, he spread his legs and beckoned you to him. You gulped before following, not daring to look away from him until you were before him.
“Kneel” He ordered softly. You knees hit the ground, the rug digging into your skin. He watched you watch him, eyes locked in a dialog of their own until his rough hand caressed the skin of your cheek. You leaned into his touch, hating yourself for being a slave to him and your desire. Even on your knees, the familiar feeling of peace flooded your senses. Nothing made you feel as alive as worshiping him. And nothing killed you as much as loving him.
“Please” You begged, pressing a kiss into his palm. “Don’t do this to me.”
Chris regarded you with a look that was almost tender, his blue eyes staring into your own as if unearthing every secret you had ever kept from him. He pulled you closer, close enough to have you raise up and hold his shoulders while his lips brushed gently against yours.
“For as long as I live, you are mine. You know that. Why must you fight it?”
It had been a couple months since you last saw him, since the pads of his fingers had glided over the curves of your body and claimed you as his. You melted, you melted like the butter in a hot pan, sizzling with the heat of his ardor. One taste of him and you were ready to forget why you had left him, why you had packed up and left his house when he was out. Chris Evans didn’t just play your body, he also played your heart. He loved you so hard that it hurt.
You wondered if you should fight, if you should scream or cry. But you knew it the moment you walked inside your house tonight: you were going nowhere but to him. He held you as you captured his lips in yours, a hand fisting his hair and tugging. He pulled until you were on his lap, his beard scratching your skin and reminding you of all the ways he had marked you before.
Panting, you pulled away when he breathily whispered your name, eyes liquid and feral and kind. He was a man of many layers and you had unveiled the darkest of them. He no longer hid the rawest parts of him, and you never knew if it was a good thing or not.
“Pack up, I’m taking you back home.” He said, hands settling on your waist. “I am not spending one more night in a bed without you.”
You nodded, stealing another kiss until you surrendered to his demands. Again.
Dodger ran to you, whining and wagging his tail as you sat down to give him better access. You’d missed your furry companion, his coat soft on your cheek when you nuzzled into him. Chris chuckled, rolling your bags into his room while you and Dodger had your little reunion.
“I am so sorry Bubba” You cooed to him, scratching behind his ears. “I missed you so much. Did you miss me, hmm?”
Dodger barked, rubbing his body against you. You laughed, cuddling your little boy. You’d missed waking upto him snuggled by your feet and the soft pattering of his feet as he followed you around.
“He didn’t eat right for a week after you left. You were being a bad mommy.” Chris said coming behind you. He petted Dodger before pulling you up by your arm, your chest flushed to his. You loved how he smelled of coffee and beer and cinnamon. He tasted of them too, bitter and addictive.
Your fingers traced a path in his beard, lips pressing into the hollow of his throat. It scared you how much power he had over you. You’d promised yourself you’ll break away from his hold when you found him snooping in your phone again. His possessiveness knew no bounds. If Chris had it his way, he’d hide you in a castle made only for his eyes. But right now, in the heaven of his arms, you couldn’t remember why you left him in the first place.
“I am sorry.” You whispered, hugging him tight. His arms came around you, holding you so possessively close that even death couldn’t rip you apart. Chemical romance, that’s how Scott had explained your relationship once. Your friends had stopped complaining, had stopped warning after losing count over how often you broke up and got back together.
“I am so pissed at you.” He said in your ear, breath warm on your skin. “I want to erase every lingering trace of that man’s touch from your body. But more than that, I need to remind you who you belong to.”
You refused to look at him, burying your head in his chest even as you held him tighter.
“I belong to you. I know it baby, I made a mistake.” You said, voice muffled. Chris tutted, pushing your face away firmly as he forced you to meet his intense gaze.
“Here I am, feeling guilty for even touching other women during a scene that is supposed to be my job. And my girl goes around fucking other men because we had an argument?” He hissed, a nerve throbbing in his temple. You pouted, bottom lip wobbling as you tried not to cry. You were raised to be a strong woman, someone who could speak for herself. How was it so easy for this man to reduce you to a sniveling woman for something that wasn’t even your fault.
“I didn’t fuck him.” You countered and Chris’s eyes flashed. You stared at each other until Chris practically growled and dragged you towards the bedroom. Dodger trailed behind you, stopping once Chris ordered him to stay put.
His bedroom, a space you had shared and abandoned all too many times was the same as always. It reeked of his aftershave and cologne, the stars winking at you from the window that overlooked the ground. Chris shut the door, rounding on you and pushing you towards the bed.
“You didn’t fuck him?” He spat, ticked off. “You let him touch you, you let him put his hands on what belongs to me.”
You shivered as your back met the cold sheets, bouncing slightly on the mattress. His anger was scary, but more than that it was exciting. It was you who had brought this strong, powerful man to this animalistic side. You, who could make him scowl and shout and get his heart pumping enough to bring blood to his face. You, who made him primitive as he held you down and fucked you into submission.
“We only kissed.” You said, knowing how to provoke him. That kiss was nice, it was sweet. But your body craved rough and hard, it craved to be possessed and used and worshiped. It craved Chris who left his handprints on your butt and his spent in your cunt. It craved Chris who kissed you until you were out of breath, who whispered the filthiest things to you as he buried himself in your warmth over and over until you were too hoarse to even cry.
He knew it, he read that in your eyes and in your touch that seared through the layers of clothes on his body. He knew you were getting under his skin on purpose, hurting him the way he hurt you so many times. Neither of you held back.
You tore away at his clothes, bucking your hips frantically in a bid to get closer. Chris cursed, squeezing your ass in his large hands and grounding his hardness on your thigh.
“You are testing me” He warned, naked flesh touching yours and hands entwining. You ignored him, the wetness dripping down your core begging his attention.
“Eat me” You cried, wiggling under him. He held fast, rubbing his cock on your abdomen, groaning softly. He nuzzled your neck, kissing softly on the spot he knew drove you wild. His weight prevented you from moving too much, not allowing you to do anything for yourself.
“You don’t tell me what to do baby. Not after letting another man touch you. Not after you walked out on me again.” He said angrily, forcing his gentle touch on your body that craved his roughness. You sobbed against his mouth, getting drunk on his lazy kisses and feather soft caresses. You knew what he was doing, you knew he wanted you to break and beg. And you had no dignity.
“Please” You begged, pathetically with tears in your eyes. “Give me what I want Chris. I’ll be good to you, I promise.”
He smirked, sucking a pert nipple in his mouth and rolling it between his tongue. You moaned, struggling to move more. It wasn’t enough to have you under him. He needed more than your compliance. He needed your surrender, he needed you to love him with a hunger as great as his. He was greedy.
“Even when you beg, you look like a goddess. You’re my angel, but I’m not gonna let you go to heaven. We’ll sin together in hell.”
He dove in, tongue swiping away your juice in a practiced move as you howled at the suddenness of his attack. Your thighs held his head captive between their plump flesh, mewls spilling from your mouth without restraint as he finally gave you what you wanted. You pulled on his hair, steering him closer to your core that was flaming under his mouth and flooding with pleasure.
“Oh Chris!” You moaned, writhing and trembling. You had missed his beard scratching the sensitive flesh of your inner thighs, missed his nails digging in your flesh to keep you steady, missed his tongue poking inside your warm cavern to taste your sweet nectar. Chris never worshiped you like a devotee to the lord. He worshipped you like a man summoning the devil, by spilling blood and leaving marks that stain the soul.
“Look at you go darling, so beautiful” He praised, easing a finger inside you and curling it. You threw your head back, shattering with an orgasm that took your breath away. Pleasure was a feeling you were familiar with, but combined with Chris’s love and anger, it formed the most intoxicating mix that got you dizzy.
He kissed the swollen head of your clit, gently easing you down from your high with praises whispered directly to your leaking cunt. He cupped your pussy, grinding his heels against you as your eyes met.
“Nobody else will touch you here. Or anywhere else for that matter.” He ordered and you nodded, still desperate for him. His cock was red and angry, warm drops of precum leaking over your stomach and you tugged at him, asking to fill you up.
“Chris, I need you inside me. Please.”
He crawled up and laid beside you, jerking you on top of him. Your hands found his chest, lightly playing with his nipples and the spattering of hair there before moving down to cup his hardness and his balls. He jerked at the first contact, closing his eyes as his breath hitched and you smiled at your own effect over him. You could reduce him to a mess just as well he could to you.
Pumping his length, you licked it slowly, lathering it with your saliva. You remembered the day you’d named it Cumstopher Rogers and he’d slapped you with it, making you choke on him until you had to apologize.
“Put me inside you now because if I have to take over, I’ll choose which hole it goes in and you probably won’t like it.” He growled in impatience. You clenched, his threats going straight to your core.
You positioned yourself over him, sinking slowly and gently, feeling every part of him against your spongy walls. With your thighs flush to his, you stopped to just let the feeling of fullness last a little longer. No matter how many times you’d been with each other, the feeling of Chris being so deep inside you never got old. If you could, you’d never be empty.
“All my holes like your cock Mr. Evans. And I? I love it and your butt and your chest and arms and face and everything else.”
You moved at a slow pace, bouncing gently while holding onto his thighs. Taking his hand in yours, you placed it on your chest, asking him to play with your nipples as you rode him.
“You feeling powerful, baby? You feeling good bouncing on my dick?” He asked, pinching a nipple almost to the point of pain. You nodded, leaning down to kiss him as he started thrusting up a little, hitting your cervix when he went too deep. You rolled your belly, clenching your muscles around his length so that his eyes flew open and hands dug into the softness of your butt.
“Oh Chris, I missed this.” You told him, tasting the sweat on his temple. He nodded, his huge arms wrapping around you and pulling you intimately close.
“I missed you too, which is why I will make sure you never leave me. This is not your power move, this is mine.” He darkly murmured and your eyes met his in confusion. He looked at the side and you followed his gaze, mouth dropping open at the camera that blinked at you with a red light on.
“What the fuck, Chris?” You shout, trying to move away when he rolled you over and under him, thrusting in hard.
“Oh yes, what the fuck baby” He said, holding your wrists as he picked up his pace. “You think it’s okay to pack a bag and leave me every time? You think it’s okay to date other men, to kiss other men? You are mine. And if anyone needs proof of that, now I can show it to them.”
You cried out as he went harder, a pressure building deep inside your belly. Tears escaped your eyes, gazing into blue ones that you loved and hated with a passion. You could have asked him to stop now, you could shout that you don’t want him and he’s sick. But you didn’t. You knew he would stop if you really wanted him to, and as much as your heart broke and your chest tightened with hurt, you loved him. You loved his twisted ways to keep you with him. You loved it when he went above and beyond, got crazy in his desire for you. You were wanted. You were cherished.
“Fuck you.” You cursed, meeting every thrust of his with a raise of your hips. Your eyes closed, sweat dripping down your body as you let the animalistic part of you take over, screaming and tearing and fucking each other like two people whose only goal in life was to be embedded in the other’s heart and psyche.
“I’d like to see you try to walk out tomorrow after tonight.” Chris said, delivering punishing strokes that were agonizing and titillating, that were fire and ice. You held onto him, leaving crescent shaped scars to join the numerous tattoos across his body. He took you apart, fucked you so good all you could do was say him name and fall in a glittery haze of his presence. He came inside you, filling you to the brim and crushing your body with his weight.
You weren’t leaving, that much was obvious.
Throwing in your clothes haphazardly in the bag, you promised yourself this would be the last time you did this. You will not come back to this house and this bed. Chris and you were done for good. The past few months had followed the same pattern. You both rekindling the dying flame of your relationship, mending the broken hearts and trust until it went back to hell.
There were too many arguments, too much shouting and angry sex. Every time you sat down to talk, it ended with your legs in the air. Your mother was right. He wasn’t right for you. Chris wanted to be your hero and your villain. He wanted you to think of nobody but him. Any friends and family that warned you against him had to be cut off. He’ll dismiss every article the paparazzi published about him but would throw a fit if you so much as smiled at the cashier in the grocery store. He kept you close like a dog on a leash, feeling jealous at the very sight of you talking to any man. You’d wanted to give this relationship a chance, but as of twenty minutes ago, Chris had made sure it was over.
You wondered about taking your pictures, but it was better to stay away from any temptations. This was happening, and as much as it broke your heart, you will not come back to him. Zipping up your bag, you straightened just as Chris stormed inside the room, jaw clenched in anger.
“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” He barked, “Put your stuff back. I’ll be damned if I let you leave me again.”
You scowled at him, wiping the stray tears from your eyes. He had no right to ask anything of you, not after what he had just done.
“Fuck off Chris. I am leaving, and you can’t stop me.” You shouldered past him, sadly looking at Dodger who was whining softly as he watched you move. He had seen this happen enough times to know that you’re not coming home.
Chris marched behind you, snatching your wrist and pulling you back to himself. The blue in his eyes was darker, like the sky covered in thunder clouds. You squirmed, pushing against him.
“You. Are. Not. Leaving.” He hissed, looking scary and mad.
“How dare you? After what you did today?” You sobbed, hitting your fists on his chest. He held your jaw, bringing your face closer to him so he could peer into your watery eyes.
“I proposed! I got down on one knee. What the fuck is your problem?” He shouted, spittle flying from his mouth.
You shook your head, looking at him with an expression of disbelief. Is he that oblivious?
“Marriage is permanent Chris” You said, voice suddenly soft. “Marriage is living your life devoted to your partner. We can’t break up and leave and come back again. It’s a responsibility. You and I, we haven’t been able to keep a stable relationship. How the hell will we keep a happy marriage?”
Chris frowned, not liking what you said. He pushed you against the wall, caging you in with his huge arms on either side. You could smell the chocolate and wine on his breath from dinner, his hair all messed up from when he ran his hands through it. On his neck still hung the necklace you’d got him.
“Look at me” He said, pressing his forehead to yours. You breathed deeply, finding it difficult to maintain an eye contact as charged with anger and passion as this one. “You love me, you still love me. It’s all in your eyes. Why won’t you marry me?”
You wanted to curl into a ball and cry. Why did loving him have to be so difficult? Was love worth the fights, the tears and pain and loss of independence? Was loving him enough to keep you going? You were so tired of this back and forth with him. You’d never even talked about marriage before, having been too busy trying to keep any sort of relationship alive. Why would he do this to you?
As your limbs got heavier, you leaned forward and hugged him. You held him to yourself, soaking in his warmth and smell inside you for what would be the last time. You could not give up so much of yourself to sustain this love. Soon enough, there would be nothing more to give and the love would be dead.
“You need to let me go Christopher” You said to him, lips close to his ear. “You need to understand that love is only the beginning. I can’t keep doing this anymore. Please, just let me go.”
Chris hugged you tighter, his head resting over yours and heart beating strong beneath your hand. He was your night, full of twinkling stars and dark mysteries. But dawn was approaching fast, and you needed to bid goodbye to the moon to greet the sun that awaited you.
“Never.” He promised, “You are never leaving me again. I’ll fucking make sure of it.”
He picked you up suddenly, ignoring your protests as he carried you back into the bedroom. Kicking your bag aside, he dropped you on the bed, raising a finger to stop you. He took out the ring from his pocket, the very one you had refused this evening and held it to you.
“Put this on.” He ordered and you rubbed your eyes in exasperation.
“No.”
You both glared at each other, adrenaline coursing through your veins. Fighting with Chris had always been a thrill, more often than not ending with wild sex on any and all surfaces in sight. But today you were determined to end it. You’d not let yourself become weak at the sight of his cock.
“Okay then, you’ve left me no choice.” Chris said. He picked up his phone and tapped away on it, doing god knows what. You sighed, getting up and putting your stuff together again, ignoring his presence behind you. Chris threw his phone on the bed, looking stoically at you work. You were just folding the last of your clothes when your phone started buzzing. You ignored it for a minute, but it kept up, almost falling off the table with its vibrations.
“What the fuck” You gasped, looking at the hundreds of notifications pouring in as more followed. You quickly opened your Instagram to see you’d been tagged by Chris.
And she said YES!
Below that caption was a picture of the both of you from a couple months ago, cuddled up and smiling at each other.
Comments and likes from everyone were popping in, and soon enough, you saw your mother’s call. You stared at Chris, utterly in disbelief. What had he done?
“Try saying no now. You’d be the bitch who broke Chris Evans’s heart, the bitch who played him. Try walking in public between people who’d see you only as a slut and nothing more.”
Your world came crashing down. You were not some hotshot celebrity like Chris. You were just a girl trying to live her life the best way she knew how to, and how it ended up entangled with this man you’d never understand. Even if you shouted from the rooftops the truth of today, no one would believe you. Chris’s fans would tear you to shreds, destroy your life with their mean comments and attacks. And your family would not be spared either. They’ll be exposed to a celebrity scandal, dragged through the mud along with your good name.
“Oh god Chris, what have you done?” You choked out, falling to your knees. He came before you, gently caressing your head before kneeling in front of you. Cupping your face, he kissed you deep and hard, countering your hate with his love that hit you like your own kryptonite.
“I told you. I told you I’ll never let you leave.” He breathed against your mouth, pulling you closer. You dug your nails in his arms, hurting him with the hurt he just caused you, but he didn’t even flinch.
“You’re a monster” You said, chest heaving with emotions.
“Yes, I am. But you know what darling?” He said sweetly, “Even after this, you still love me. I am a monster, but I am a monster you created and one you love.”
You ended up on the bed, sprawled underneath him again. Even with icy hate in your eyes, your heart burned with love for him. It was unnatural, it was chemical and wrong. And yet, it was your reality. He was yours, no matter what he did. And you were his, regardless of every protest that you ever made.
“Now, I’ll ask this one more time. Will you marry me?” He asked softly, looking at you like you were all he ever saw.
“Yes” You breathed, watching silently as he slipped the ring on your finger and kissed it. Meeting your eyes, he settled over your body, his arousal pulsing over your thigh. Sealing the deal with a kiss, Chris went to remove your shirt.
“Then let’s celebrate. After we’re done, we can call our families with the good news.”
#chris evans x reader#dark!chris evans x reader#chris x reader#dark!chris evans#chris evans#chris evans rpf
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Hi. Itk here. Believe me, don't, doesn't matter. Thought I'd drop (after you summoned ha) by given the chaos and try to enlighten the ones who choose to believe me, as much as I'm capable of.
The first thing I wanna say is: stop trying to figure out their relationship. You most likely never will. Fans are stuck on both extremes, when the actuality of it is far more in the middle (perhaps even up or down and all around ha). It's complex and strange and not at all "normal" (as normal as they could be, anyways).
It's not as simple as "oh they're just a closeted couple who engage in bearding and have kids and behind closed doors they're just a regular, old married couple and a big, happy rainbow family".
Doesn't sound like itk info, believe me, I get that but observing the fandom I'd say it almost is because most fans simply hang on extreme simplistic ideas of what their relationship is.
Second thing I'd like to say and unfortunately seems like it's not at all obvious but: do not believe anything they share publicly. Not saying they're lying compulsively, but they are public figures and they have a lot at stake to just casually drop the actual truth of any given situation.
Just don't. The same salt you have regarding itks, have towards them. It'd do you some good...Believe me. Unless you are involved in the entertainment or political life, you cannot even begin to fathom what it's really like, the level of manipulation, falsehood and well, overall deviation of it. It's quite disturbing tbh. So just always take whatever's said and shown with a good amount of salt. With public people hardly anything is accidental or casual.
I think the most prominent question now is...Why? Why would they do something like that? Regardless if you have the ingenuity to believe the little scene they made or not...Still, the question lingers.
With my level of "in the knowness" I cannot for sure say the real reason, yet from the pieces I've collected so far, seems to be a multiple gain scheme. It was a high risk, they were well aware, and it paid out in the way they were expecting, minus small bumps here and there. But overall it seemed to have worked in their favor. How in the hell, one would ask?
Believe me, I used my best sneaky capabilities to find out exactly why but they were smart enough to keep this one locked tight, minus a few loose lips. And from those all I've heard was that "whatever the purpose was, it worked out".
As weird as it may sound to the innocent mind, it's actually not at all, given that even leaked nudes are not at all leaked or accidental, and those tend to (at least in the past) get immense amount of backlash. It's not the first time famous folks fake a fight, surely won't be the last.
A lot goes into public image, it's not black and white as "well but it looked bad on Jensen", "it looked bad on the prequel", etc. You'd be surprised as how little this truly matters given the level of manipulation they are able to pull on the public. And well, even with them...It happens all the time. Both made mistakes far worse than just "not telling my bestie about my new project" and fans would eventually let that go and put them back on the pedestal.
So just remember, always: not in the industry? then don't judge anything because you simply do not understand how it works.
Another piece of itk information I can give besides "this was planned and it worked" is: they are fine. From what I've heard they are not fighting over it or going through anything more dramatic than what they usually have been going through ever since they met haha.
So just sit back and chill out. Breathe, read fanfiction and remember that we will never truly get answers, because even what comes out of their mouths are most of the time carefully thought out and directed to have a specific meaning and effect (why do you think Jared mumbles and rambles so much?).
Another interesting piece of itk: you know how they always say they never fight? Even though that sounds insanely hard to believe even if they were just friends because who knows someone for that long and is constantly together and never fights? Unlikely, right? Yes, as obvious as that was. But unfortunately a lot of you seem to believe that, given the level of shock you had for this little twitter feud (as fake as it was). Yeah. They fight. A lot.
They fight as much as individuals in their situation would. Like I said, not at all what most people absentmindedly seem to think it is. They go through a lot. Way more than anyone who isn't in a similar situation would understand. It's messy, although they try their best to make it simpler in the ways they can.
On top of being in a very complex situation, they both have strong personalities and one of them is quite hard to "pin down". So altercations happen a lot, but they know how to deal, and they are exceptionally good at making sure that doesn't interfere in their work (oh well, at least not any work that doesn't benefit from intense emotional exchanges, anyways 😉...chemistry isn't something random, you know? haha).
I find it quite...interesting (to put it nicely) that a lot of hats easily believe they are a couple that lies constantly about almost every aspect of their lives, yet, they cannot believe they would fake a social media narrative. It makes no sense whatsoever.
It'd do you all good to be a little less tendentious and look at them as, you know...Humans? They are not what they seem to be, just as you guys also take in different versions of yourselves in different situations, they do too. And don't be so hopelessly naive to actually believe they see fans as "hashtag family". This is their work. And as grateful as they are for supporters, they certainly do not consider them family. To the point of never lying and trusting you with their life.
I'm sure they love their fans, but come on, saying they would never lie because that's mean to fans is just beyond naive. They've been doing it all along and oh, another interesting info? They don't think they're doing anything wrong.
Yeah, sounds weird, you'd think they'd feel guilty. But again, unless you were media trained, you'd never get it.
From years now if there's one consistent info I've gotten was this: they don't feel obligated to tell you anything. They believe they are doing "what they are supposed to do, the right thing for everyone involved".
So. Yeah. And hell, they are right about not being obligated to say anything about anything, I guess.
Well, I hope that was helpful or at least entertaining. It's hard to share info without accidentally making it obvious who I am for the lurkers (sure you guys were well aware that they lurk around the fandom). But it's safe because as long as I don't provide evidence, I'm fine. Just walking a thin line between sharing and not sharing something too specific that would be easy fir them to know who has that info and although they can't do anything against itks, they can manage to cut us off somehow and I enjoy having access lol, so that'd be a bummer.
Anyways, take itks and J2 themselves with a ton of salt haha! You are lovely, btw, you seem very kind and I enjoy your blog very much! much love!
itk anon everything you said was <333 and i agree with like almost all of it. very nice analysis and ask thank you ! i don't always believe everything j2 put out but the whole stunt being a false narrative just seems wrong so idk what to make of it. regardless i myself can sometimes get carried away in my star-struck love of j2. and i am a tinhat so well :) and now they look to be really good and taking a break from here was well worth it <3
''You are lovely, btw, you seem very kind and I enjoy your blog very much! much love!'' i love u so much hope u have a great day !
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It’s my birthday today and I was wondering if you could do Jesper celebrating the reader’s birthday?
Jesper Celebrating the Reader's Birthday
a/n - keep in mind, fics don't normally come out this quickly, but I saw this and wanted to release it on your special day! This may be a little uncoordinated but I hope you enjoy and have a brilliant day! Also, just to let everyone know, requests are closed for a few days, just so I can catch up on requests xoxo 💞
Warnings: nothing?
Tagged: @mrs-brekker15 @i-am-the-1930s @inthegistoftime
it is guaranteed
you hear me?
guaranteed
that he will try to plan you a party
it's Jesper, he has to
so he'll set up streamers and a huge poster displaying your age
for all who enter the Slat to see
he'll get Nina to distract you, taking you out for waffles probably
his words would probably be exactly like this:
"I don't know Neens, just take them away from the Slat and don't come back till, like ummm seven."
she'd look at the half hung decorations and many more still in boxes disapprovingly and ask:
"You didn't plan this out did you?"
"Are you accusing me, the Jesper Fahey, himself, of being disorganised?"
She grabbed her coat and you, covering your eyes as she went, very clearly conveying something was happening, then left without a word more.
so, by now, you knew something was happening
or at least suspected it
but would go along with it for Jesper
trailing after Nina until your feet were sore
finally having enough and asking if you could stop and sit on a bench
she agreed with a groan
so, she was obviously tired too
"How long do we need to stay out?"
"I really do not know what you're talking about, (Y/N)."
"Come on, I know there's a surprise back at the Slat, I just need to know how long I have to wait to go home."
she'd continue to blatantly refuse the very idea of a surprise until she randomly gave in
and you'd smirk, happy to get the answer
as soon as it neared seven, she'd try to drag you back to the Slat but you'd tell her they wouldn't be ready yet
Nina would not listen and take you firmly by the wrist, marching back to the Slat
when you got there you were right
of course
bestie, can you predict the future?
no, actually
you just know how frazzled your boyfriend can get
but you were surprised to see even Kaz was helping
it did not look like he wanted to be there voluntarily
but still
you take what you can get
it was an effort so you appreciated it
when Nina would let out a dramatic gasp at the sight of Kaz Brekker hanging up decor, Jes would notice you
yelling at Nina to take you out again or to your room
just go over and peck him on the lips, tell him you don't really care about the streamers and he'll relax
even if he wanted it to be perfect
you have all the calming techniques down bestie
Kaz will sigh exaggeratingly and drop the colourful swirly thing he was eyeing with disgust
it would be between his forefinger and thumb as he did so
and this meant it was twice as funny to you
oops you may have laughed
you received a glare in return
aww such a nice present
everyone say thank you Kaz
anyway
there's probably a table with gifts on it
kaz got you a new book
but left it anonymously
no message on the tag even if you know it's him
you thank him and he pretends he has no clue who gave it to you
"Awwww, thanks Kaz."
"I didn't get you a gift, (Y/N). It's obviously from someone else."
Inej would get you some sort of herbal tea I think
if you don't like tea then it's probably also a book
wow what a match for those two
thinking the same thoughts
Nina may have forgotten to get a present and would promise waffles instead
or she'd have tried to sneakily get a board game while you were out earlier
you acted like you did not notice
it's a grammy award for you
Matthias could have either gotten you some kruge because he wasn't sure what you wanted
or a new scarf, coat ect.
he has a pretty good taste in fashion
now, Jesper would either wait till later to give you his gifts
because aww, sentimentality
or he'd give you them with everyone else's to make you blush publicly
at that point, you wouldn't care
either way, he'd keep at least one spare to give to you in private
I think his gifts would be a little something like this:
a type of jewelry, whether it be a necklace or an anklet, it would have a J on it
he probably bought a matching one for him with your initial on it too
a necklace feels a little more personal but could be taken advantage of by enemies
like in finding out you were together
not like it was oBVIOUS or anything
but an anklet would ultimately be sturdier and less likely to be taken as a means of affection from a loved one
so anklet it is
chocolates that are actually quite rich in flavour and are rare in Ketterdam
he saved up some money for those
if you like to play with his rings
he'll have bought you one
again, it may be a little blander to avoid it being interpreted as a gift of love by enemies
you didn't mind it being a little more hidden
Jesper was happy with you and you with Jesper
so you felt no need to show off to the world
you would probably take it off if you had to do any good old fashioned fist fighting
pocketing it quickly
he'd also give you a nail makeover the next day
but you would have to paint on his nails in return because if he tried, he would probably mess up while using his non-dominant hand to paint the other
you could match because #couplegoals
he'd bring you breakfast in bed the day after your birthday
being so busy planning the day before, he didn't get you any
I hate to disappoint but it would not be made by him
he would burn everything
so Matthias' second present to you is the breakfast
delivered by Jesper
he'd probably be sat at the counter making snarky remarks about Matthias' cooking
until he got whacked with a tea towel
if you're an early bird
Jes would be given the task of distracting you and stopping you from walking downstairs
or getting out of bed at all
this could be easily done with the persuasion of cuddles
then Matthias would yell for him and he'd have to leave to get the tray
when he brings it up he'll sit you between his legs, leaning your back against his chest and resting the tray on your knees
may feed you bites that sOMEHOW end up like a lady and the tramp scene
even if it's a slice of french toast, he'll manage
would tactfully steal little bits off your plate
and you couldn't really be mad at him because he would just smile charmingly
(maybe with half a piece of bacon sticking out of the side of his mouth)
but charming none the less
he might have a gift hidden in the corner of a chest of drawers somewhere you find one day and he remembers he was supposed to wrap that up and give it to you
if it's almost a year later and near your next birthday
just leave it on his dresser
no words need to be exchanged
the only difference is now one of your presents is less of a surprise
oh cards
kaz would write in his a simple,
'Inej made me write this. Have a good day. You are one year closer to being dead. Congratulations.
-Signed sincerely, Kaz Brekker'
Nina and Matthias share a card
meaning she wrote it and he signed his name with an extra
'I hope you have a lovely day, (Y/N).'
Nina's message/ the main one in the card would be:
'I can't believe we're all growing so old now! Anyway, we love you, hope you enjoy the presents and your birthday. You deserve it! Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Nina'
Inej's would have a very sincere message:
'(Y/N),
You are truly a wonderful friend and person, helping everyone with anything they may need. I feel so lucky to have you as my friend and I hope you will continue to be for years to come. You deserve a fantastic day and I hope you get one, I know Jes will try to make it perfect!
-From, Inej x
p.s - I tried to get Kaz to sign a card, but he was smirking and wouldn't let me see it before he put it in the envelope, so I'm terribly sorry if it's rude.'
now to Jesper's
'Love,
I adore you with all my heart and wish you a truly happy birthday. I hope you like the gifts I bought, I wanted to symbolise my love for you through each. I know one or two presents are a little bland but I hope they mean as much to you as they do to me. You are the most amazing partner I could ever dream of having, and every time you do something, I never expect it.
You are unpredictable, my love, and I can honestly say I do not mind it. In fact, it is one of the many factors that made me fall in love with you. Have a happy birthday!
-Love from Jesper, xxx
p.s - Kaz looked terrifyingly happy when he finished signing your card so be careful, he probably pulled something.
you might have cried
yes
you, a Crow, feared on the streets sniffled over even Kaz's message
knowing if he didn't actually want to, there was no way he would have signed that card
all in all, you have a great birthday and Jesper (and everyone else) makes you feel really special
#jesper fahey x reader#jesper fahey x you#jesper fahey fluff#jesper fahey fics#jesper fahey imagine#jesper fahey headcanons#shadow and bone x reader#shadow and bone x you#shadow and bone fic#shadow and bone imagine
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Ok ok wait probs not the kinda request you expected but theres this movie called over the moon about a moon goddess losing her one true love and near the end she sees him again for a moment and they sing THE MOST HOPELESS LOVE SONG IVE LISTENED A MILLION TIMES ALREADY AND THEY SING PARTLY IN MANDARIN and im just thinking if the boys saw that with reader would they imagine theirselves in place? Would leo sing it mindlessly forever, would raph desperatley wish? I just gotta know bestie im desperat
Okay I'm definitely watching this movie tonight but for now I'll stick with the clip (bitch u got me crying on main) how am I supposed to maintain my emotionless personality now???
But I'm so hyped to write this now, buckle up my space children, and you might want to grab some tissues~
TMNT Headcanons
The boys reacting to the Yours Forever scene:
Leonardo
This was fine
This was totally fine
Holy shit it was a damn movie, why was it giving him feelings??
He'd been at your place for nearly 3 hours and you'd only started the movie halfway into his visit
You told him it was a kids movie
So why the hell was he getting teary eyed?
The Facade™ has been compromised
Leo didn't speak a lot of mandarin, just a few simple phrases that Splinter had taught him
But you'd clearly seen this movie more than once because he could hear you faintly singing along
Your mandarin was flawless
You didn't notice the way he was looking at you, too enraptured by the movie
His gut was twisting when he looked back at the screen
He knew he'd be humming this for at least a week
Andddd now you were sniffling
Shit shit double shit and then some
Leo awkwardly wrapped an arm around your shoulders, hesitant
You immediately snuggled into his side, pulling your blanket closer to your chin
"I've seen it like seven time and I know they're fictional but it just makes me so fucking sad" you were hiccuping between words
"I can see that, are you okay?"
You furiously rubbed at your eyes
"yeah- just gets me feeling stuff. I'm not a huge fan of that."
This man's eyes were boring into your skull
"I want what they have though, I'd give an arm and a leg for someone to look at me like they look at each other. That's some real shit, y'know?"
Leo stared at the tv screen, rubbing your shoulder, you couldn't see the flushed green of his skin in the dark
"yeah. Yeah I know."
Donatello
You had no idea that Donnie spoke mandarin
It really shouldn't have surprised you though
I mean come on, it's Donnie for fucks sake
He was excited to watch the movie with you, all of the ones in his collection he'd watched 100 times at least
Needless to say he jumped on the opportunity to watch something other than jurassic park
You'd brought your laptop and projector and settled down on the roof of an abandoned building, the same one you both usually stargazed on
You'd seen the movie twice before, this was his first time
So when the 'Yours Forever' scene came on the last thing you were expecting was for Donnie to join in
He had a very nice voice but you never knew he could sing like that
You stared at him in shock
The poor boy stopped the second he realized you were looking, leaving you singing solo
You nudged his shoulder and nodded your head at him, a way of saying "hey, don't leave me hanging here"
Now you were dueting a love song with a turtle on a rooftop
Best Saturday night ever
Donnie couldn't look at you for the rest of the night, not even when he walked you home.
But the expression you left on his face after kissing his cheek and ducking into your apartment made it all worth it
Raphael
Raph wasn't one for emotions
You weren't either
So the both of you did your best not to react during the movie that his brothers had invited you to watch with them
You were sandwiched on the couch between Raph and Mikey, Splinter, Leo, and Donnie sat on the opposite sofa
Splinter didn't miss the longing eyes that his son was giving you
Raph couldn't believe that a damn kids movie was making him feel things about you
You seemed oblivious, completely stone-faced, eyes locked on the screen
Internally you were waging a war against yourself, screaming at your own subconscious not to glance at him
No looking
Don't you fucking dare
That damn duet made you feel shit and you wouldn't be caught dead looking at your friend the way you really wanted to
Especially knowing that Splinter was watching you as well
You definitely felt the turtles eyes on you though
Raph was fighting the same battle with himself
He knew what he wanted to do, but he knew he didn't have the courage to do it
Not with you
Not with his family there
You were just a friend
So why was he looking at you the way the characters had been?
Damned if he knew
It wasn't until the end of the movie that he'd noticed his hand in your lap
You'd wrapped both of your own hands around his and held him there, you honestly didn't remember doing it
And he made no effort to pull away
Michaelangelo
Alright listen
You and Mikey have seen this at least 20 times together
The boy suggested it to you
And now you've both convinced the rest of the boys to watch it with you
So when that scene comes on you both already know the routine
You both start singing
You realize you're both singing
His brothers realize you're both singing
You both stop abruptly
He turns an even darker shade of green
You're screaming at your skin to stop turning red for fucks sake
He wishes that was him
You wish you were her
He's gonna be thinking about this all week
You're gonna make an impromptu phone call to your best friend to rant about it
You guys have done this 20 times now.
How the fuck have you not noticed
The boys opt not to point it out
They've got a bet on how much longer it will last
Donnie's been leading for the past three weeks
He's not losing this shit
I hope I was able to capture what you had in mind dude! I'm also forcing my best friend to watch this movie with me tonight. If you were thinking something different let me know. Other than that I hope you like it as much as I do! 🧡
~Mars 🌠
#tmnt x reader#tmnt raphael#tmnt michelangelo#tmnt leonardo#tmnt donatello#tmnt 2014#tmnt 2016#tmnt headcanons
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-Second And Third Chance- Tony Stark x Female Reader
☼-☪-☼
Kody: favorite dilf- i’m sorry lmao
Movie/Show: after endgame. but no one is dead because i’m still in denial.
Summary: (Backstory included) Being the fiancee of Tony Stark was all you could dream of, but not everyone is perfect and Tony is certainly no saint. Even with Thanos being gone, Tony is still obsessing on how to keep you safe from other worldly beings, but due to his own ignorance ends up losing you all by himself.
Possible Triggers / Warnings: angst with fluff ending, cursing, Tony being Tony, F.R.I.D.A.Y and Wanda being your besties lmao,
☼-☪-☼
you wondered how you were ever came across such a man. Narcissistic, arrogant, just completely full of himself in every way possible. You had met the infamous Tony Stark at a shield ball/party so long ago. He was charming, you’ll admit, but you were fully aware of his playboy status.
you wore a long black off the shoulder dress that started skin tight at the top and flowy at the bottom, also sporting a slit down the side of the dress. Some said hi and gave you compliments on your outfit. You wanted to find Fury so you could talk to him as he was the only person you really knew.
walking along the floor a woman holding a platter of drinks offered you one and you gladly accepted it. You spotted Fury a few tables away, talking amongst Natasha Romanoff and Steve Rogers. Once you made it over, you slipped yourself into a empty seat.
Fury noticed you first and patted your shoulder “Didn’t think these parties were your scene Agent L/n” he spoke with his usual formality. You hummed into the glass of wine as you took a sip “They are not, but i needed a reason to drink” you admitted, earning a chuckle from Natasha.
you then took the time to look at both of them and smile “Natasha Steve. Still doing the whole saving the world thing?” you say. Steve cracks a smile and nods once “The world can’t seem to give us a break” he says. A chuckle bubbled in your throat “Not that you would take it though, right cap?”
you four spent a good thirty minutes talking about the usual, until Maria Hill showed up then you got to talking about new missions that he Fury only trusted you all with. You were like Fury third in command. Someone Maria had recommended if something would have ever happened to her.
not to long Natasha and Steve had left the party earlier then expected, but they were always in the rush. You, Fury, and Maria were now standing next to the table. Maria’s phone rang and she slipped it from her bag and pressed the green button “Yes?...Give me ten minutes”
she hung it up and put it back in her bag. Fury looked at her with a questioning stare “I’m going to assume Romanoff or Rogers were on the end of that line. Would the rest of us be needed?” he asked. Maria shook her head “No. Just a minor problem. I’ll call if it escalates”
Fury nods once and gestures with his head to the exit, dismissing her. They were so loyal to each other. Maria then sends you a polite smile before exiting the ballroom. You placed your cup on the table were you all resided minutes ago “Should we be concerned?” you ask.
he shakes his head “They’ll be fine. I like to come in at the end anyway, makes me alluring” he says, making you stifle a bit of laughter. “Right” you agreed not really wanting to dwell in that subject. Only seconds later is when an unfamiliar voice spoke “Nick”
both you and Fury turn around and see the nice tailored suit belonging to the less nice man of Tony Stark. Fury cracks a small grin and holds his hand out “Stark, fashionably late” he points out. Tony grabs his hand and shakes it “Well if i wasn’t i’d be stuck looking like you losers.”
did this grown man just call you both losers? Okay then. You folded your arms over your chest, not really paying much attention to there very testosterone filled conversation. Tony eyes removed themselves from Fury and looked at you “and who is this?” he asked.
you removed your eyes from the people walking past you and looked towards the billionaire “ This is Agent L/n. works alongside Agent Hill and myself” Fury explains. You give Tony a polite nod “It’s Y/n L/n” you say. Tony grins and went to say something more when Fury coughed.
“I’m going to use the bathroom. Tony don’t be weird” he spoke before leaving you both by your lonesome. Great. “May i offer you another drink?” he asked and you shook your head “I already had one and i have to be alert at all times. It’s in the job description. Very fine print”
“Sounds like you need a vacation or a xanax” he makes a face, earning a small smile from you “Maybe, but i like my job too much” you reply. Tony steps to the side and gestures with his hand for you to walk. You didn’t see much wrong with that, just a friendly stroll. Why not.
you step in forward and Tony lifts his arm up a bit for you to link yours. ‘What a charmer’ you thought before slipping your arm through his. YOu both began to walk slowly through the ballroom “So what does your significant other think about how much you work?” he asked.
‘very slick’ “I don't have a boyfriend or girlfriend at the moment. Tried dating on the job, but no one really understands how much working here changes you in a way” you explained, Tony nodding along with your answer. Being an Agent had its perks and downfalls.
“Why did you get into this line of work, if you don’t mind me asking?” Tony questions. It was strange seeing him be so genuine with his wording, the complete opposite of what Fury, Steve, Natasha, or Maria had to say about him. It was pleasant.
you gulp, a few choice memories deciding to flood your mind “I worked CIA with my sister for awhile. Our whole family was worked in some form of Government job. Then the 2012 attack happened and we were told to stand down. Me and my sister were stubborn so we didn’t”
you inhale deeply and managed to keep your formal smile upon your face despite the urge to down another glass of wine and call it a night “No one knew about aliens back then, but we wanted to help people in any way we could. In hindsight it was very stupid of us”
your mind began to wander to something else, the smile fading from your face and be replaced with a blank stare. For an expression so neutral it would be hard to tell that you were reliving a terrible memory. Crashing, a blood curdling scream, your pleas, and a then silence.
Tony looked at you once you had stopped talking abruptly and used his free hand to pat your shoulder. You broke out of whatever horrific trance you were in “Sorry, zoned out- anyway my sister ended up passing, i was charged with treason funny enough, but Fury convinced them to drop the charges”
Tony chose to ignore the brief daze you were in for your own sake and you two continued your stroll. The night ended with more talking and much needed laughter. He also offered you a ride home and you gladly took him up on that. It was really nice.
when you got to your house he asked you on a date to a very nice restaurant near your place. You accepted even though your brain was telling you not to. On the day of the date you ended up being called in and canceled. He said he understood and that you could reschedule anytime.
you never did go on that date
☼-☪-☼
just like most things it only happened once and you figured that was that. Spending a couple magical hours talking to Tony Stark would be any girls dream and just like dreams you awoke to reality. You had a job and had many other important things to do beside fantasize about a billionaire.
that was until Hydra took over Shield in 2014, you and Fury faked your deaths. Tony actually went to your funeral, wearing sunglasses and standing away from everybody. It was pretty sad, but you had a job to do. fury actually came back, but you stayed in hiding.
then in 2015 when Ultron was a the main problem and you were itchy to bash some robots skulls in- wait they don’t have skulls. Whatever, Fury wouldn’t get involved. Then Sokovia became a giant plane and Fury caved. After a year of doing grunt work you could finally fight.
all the staff, including you loaded up a helicarrier. You made your way to the command center where Fury and Maria resided “Ah Agent Y/n. Glad that you could join us. Already suited up i see?” Fury points to your all black outfit and mask.
shrugging, you walked towards the front “I’ve been ‘dead’ for a year, cut me some slack for being excited” you say. Fury nods, agreeing with your statement before facing forward. “Set a course to Sokovia and making it fast” Maria announced.
and with that, you were off
☼-☪-☼
Maria hacked into the Avengers coms and connected Fury’s, your’s, and her own. “Where else am i gonna get a view like this?” a woman said through your earpiece. You instantly recognize it as Nat. You missed her so much, god you couldn’t wait to talk to her again.
“Glad you like the view Romanoff. It’s about to get better” Fury spoke, folding his arms behind his back, interlocking his hands. The helicarrier started to raise above Sokovia. Holy shit this is high. As you ascended you were able to see Nat and Steve standing together. Nat cut her hair, it looks pretty.
rest of the staff began to enter the command room and set up “Nice right? Pulled her out of mothballs with a couple old friends. She’s dusty, but she’ll do” he spoke. “Fury you son of a bitch” Steve said right back. Did he just curse? That had to be Ultron.
“Woah, you kiss your mother with that mouth?” Fury said with a fake surprised tone. His comment made you chuckle a bit since he had a foul mouth. Hypocrisy am i right? “Altitude is 18,000 and climbing” Maria spoke, typing away on her keyboard like desk.
another guy spoke up from behind you “Lifeboats secure to deploy, disengage in three...two...take them out ” he clicked one final button and sat back. You felt the helicarrier rumble beneath you, which meant the lifeboats were being sent to the ground.
oh shit. You were supposed to be on one of those. “Shit!” you yell before running out the command room. You raced down the stairs and made your way to the deck. You watched as a lifeboat flew right below. This is such a bad idea. Your doing it anyway.
taking a couple steps back, you mentally prepare yourself before running as fast as you could. As you touch the edge you jump and launch yourself off the helicarrier. The lifeboat came closer to you until your shoulder collided with it. You hissed and slowly pushed yourself up “Damn- that’s gonna sting”
“Did you just jump off the helicarrier?” Fury says through the coms
“Who did?” Steve spoke
“Oh you know, backup-” Fury replies before Maria cut in “Sir we have multiple bogeys on our starboard flank” she spoke and indeed when you looked up you saw a bunch of Iron man suits flying above. Oh shit. “Show them what he got” he replied back.
you reach down and pull both guns out the holsters that were on both of your thighs “It feels good to be back” you said to yourself. You heard something fly above you that wasn’t a Bogey and saw War Machine- Rhodey blasting through a bunch of them. He’s pretty cool.
just as you were about to bask in the moment a Bogey landed on the lifeboat and came charging at you. It swung and you ducked just in time, lifting your foot to kick it in the chest. As it stumbled back you raised your gun and shot it straight in the head.
the literal lights behind its glass ‘eyes’ flickered until it shut off and it fell to the ground. “It better not be that easy to kill the actual Iron Man” you spoke. “And your not gonna find out” a voice spoke. You turn around and see Tony in his suit, with his arm raised, ready to attack you.
you raise your hands “Woah- What the hell Stark!” you shout. Oh shit- you had a mask. “I’m on your side” you add. Tony tilts his head “Really, prove it” he says. You slowly move your hand. as to not startle him and slowly pull the mas down from your face “Hey Tony”
he visibly tensed up. His mask retracting back into his face. Still has handsome as ever. He reaches up with both arms and takes off his helmet, dropping it to the side. “So is faking your death a Shield initiation thing or you just really didn’t want to go out with me?” he asked.
you cracked a smile and dropped your arms to your sides “I told you work gets in the way” you said. He went to say something when four Bogeys landed on the lifeboat. Damn you couldn’t let any on until you landed. Tony groaned dramatically and shot one in the chest, causing it to fall off the ship.
“No. See regular work doesn’t involve faking your death. I went to your funeral you know?” he says. You drop off and push off the seat and onto the Bogey, wrapping your thighs around its head. You push the barrel of the gun against the top of its head and shot “I know. I was there!” you shout.
“Oh that’s just great. You saw me all vulnerable and teary” he says with a scoff. what was happening right now. You drop to the ground and the Bogey grabs your leg, pulling you back. You shot it in the arm and it lets go “I actually didn’t know you cried. That’s kind of cute though”
you shoot the Bogey in the head and stand up on your feet. Just as you are about to take a step, a metal arm wraps around your neck, pulling you back. Oh yeah there was four. You went to reach behind as Tony shot through it’s head. The grip around your neck was released and you pushed it’s corpse off.
“Your welcome” Tony spoke, he still sounded snappy. “Your such a baby Tony. What can i do to make you stop moping?” you ask, putting one of your guns into the holster. You look behind you as the lifeboats pull up next to Sokovia “One date after all this. So i can show you what you missed of course”
you crack a smile, pulling your hood off your head. You raise your hand and hold up one finger “One date. That’s it” you say and he nods along “That works for me” he replies before picking up his helmet. He puts it on his head “But you’ll come back for more” he says as his face is covered by metal once more.
☼-☪-☼
present
you ended up did going on that date with Tony and he was right, there would be multiple date and girts until he finally asked you to be in a relationship. It was any big grand gesture that you expected from him, it was simple and sweet. It took him three years for him to propose in 2018.
but he was always one to wait.
the second battle with Thanos, but everyone seemed to be somewhat recovering, but Tony wasn’t himself anymore. You already knew he was a workaholic, but it had never been this bad. He’d stay up all night working on new tech. Security, suit adjustments, anything.
when it first started happening you chalked it up to his response to trauma. One night you suggested he’d go to therapist. Just one session and if he thought it would work then he could continue and vise versa. Tony ended up shooting down the idea with a couple harsh words.
it was strange to see him yell at you because he had never done before. It was like you were talking to an entirely different person. It scared you to be honest, but you loved him. A whole year after Thanos had gone by and he was just falling deeper and deeper into his work and less into you.
“Friday, is Tony awake?” you spoke, pouring coffee into a black mug. You place it on the silver tray and grab the light beige cardigan off the counter, slipping it over your white sports bra. “Yes Miss. Would you like me to inform him your coming down to the lab?” Friday asked.
“No that’s alright. I’d rather surprise him. Thank you Friday” you say and grab the tray off the counter, it had a mug of coffee and a plate of pancakes. You knew he wouldn’t have eaten already “Just doing my job Miss” she replies. You smile to yourself. You liked listening to her accent.
☼-☪-☼
you push open the door with the side of your hip since your hands were full “Tony!” you call out, looking around the lab one time. You stop as you see your lovers head pop up behind a machine you were unfamiliar of “Y/n? What’re you doing up? It’s late” he said, putting down a tablet.
you roll your eyes and walk over to the big table in the middle, placing the tray down “It’s nine in the morning, love” you reply. Was he starting to lose track of time now? This place needed more windows clearly. Tony put on a confused face as he scratched the back of his neck “Really?”
nodding, you lift up the mug of coffee from the tray and make your way over to Tony. You dodge a few tools laying on the ground and hand him the cup “Drink” you say. He takes it from you and brings it to his lips “Thanks” he says. While he drank you studied his face. He looked so exhausted.
it broke your heart
“You look terrible by the way” you comment, causing him to crack a small smile. “You said yes to this face, remember that” he retorts. Well he wasn’t wrong about that one. “That is true, seriously i want you out the lab today and into bed. Tomorrow is an important day”
Tony goes silent for a moment and you can tell he was trying really hard to think “Tony” you said, your voice sounding like a mom who was getting ready to lecture there child for forgetting to do homework. “I know i know- important day. Can’t wait for that...day”
you narrowed your eyes “Friday” you called out. “Yes Miss” she replies instantly. “Read me Tony’s schedule that he set for himself for the week” you ask. Tony steps forward, but you take a step back, moving away from him. “There is nothing on Mr. Stark’s schedule this week Miss”
wow
moving away from Tony, you walk over to the table “It’s our anniversary tomorrow you ass” you snap at him. Tony sighs and runs his hand over his face “I’ve been busy-” “You’ve never forgot it before” your tone was unusually calm, which through Tony off.
“Thanos is dead Tony”
“I know-”
“Then what are you doing?!” you shout, shocking yourself at the loudness of your own voice. “I’m trying to keep you safe!” he exclaims. Your fist clench. God you loved this man, but you wanted to punch him in the nose “You know i thought that you would get over this, but i can’t take much more”
your words seem to scare Tony a bit, but you continued to speak “It’s been a year Tony. You don’t sleep next to me, we barely talk unless it’s me making sure you don’t fucking starve to death, we haven’t been intimate in god knows how long. I’m tired of being neglected”
crying for a man was so pathetic, so you reached up and wiped any forming tears away with your thumb. Tony reached his arms out and wrapped them around you. You wanted to push him away, but he hasn't hugged you in so long, so you gave in.
he rubbed the back of your head as you let a few tears fall onto his shirt “I’ll stop okay- look i promise i’ll get some sleep and will have a whole day together okay?” he says. You were mad and you wanted to scream at him, but you also loved him and wanted to give him a second chance.
“Okay, but i swear Tony. You screw this up and-” you were cut off by him placing his lips on yours. Damn Stark. You smiled lightly into the kiss and pull away a couple seconds later “and you’ll throw me out on my ass i know.” he says.
you ended up making Tony go to sleep in your shared room while you cleaned up his lab and such.
☼-☪-☼
the anniversary, night
you were waiting outside a restaurant since Tony wanted to show up in his car to ‘swoon’ you wearing a black jumpsuit, it was his favorite color on you You looked at your phone and noticed he was about ten minutes late, but that didn’t worry you much since he liked to be fashionably late.
he’d come. He wouldn’t risk his last chance.
would he?
☼-☪-☼
after two hours Happy ended up picking you up and taking you back to your home. He apologized for Tony a couple times, but you said it was fine. Once you got home you kicked off your heels at the door. You were kind of running on autopilot just in shock and realization at the same time.
you knew what you had to do, but at the same time you didn’t want to, but it was over. You gave Tony a chance and he blew it. Nine years down the drain in a flash. You just couldn’t believe it. Walking down the hall, you wipe your face from the warm tears.
shutting the door to your shared bedroom, you go over to the closet “Miss you seem to be in distress is there anyway i can help?” Friday spoke. For an AI she was very self aware on feelings. “Is Tony awake Friday?” you ask, going over to your closet. “No Miss, he is asleep in the lab. May i call someone for you?”
you open the closet and pull out a suitcase you had in there and bring it over to the bed “Call Wanda” you say as you unzip the suitcase, opening it up and throw it on the bed. “Of course Miss, contacting Wanda Maximoff” she replies. After a couple seconds you hear her voice.
“Y/n? It’s late, are you alright?” she asked. You had confided in Wanda about your relationship problems with Tony since you were both in a long term relationship. You had also told her about the anniversary thing and Tony’s last chance. she said if it didn’t work out yo could stay at her place.
“Hey Wanda- uh. Yeah i know it’s late but-” you didn’t get to finish speaking when Wanda cut you off “Are you crying? Tony didn’t come did he? Know what? i’m on way. He better like a car through his window” she threatens, you could hear her moving around and the sound of keys. Well damn-
you began to grab your clothes from your dresser and stuff them in your suitcase “He’s sleeping, just pull in the front. I’ll send you the gate code okay?” you say, beginning to take off the jumpsuit you were wearing. “Fine, but no promises if i see him in the street. I’ll see you soon Y/n, goodbye”
Wanda hung up the phone “Friday-” “I sent Wanda the gate code. Before you leave would you like to leave a message for Mr. Stark?” Friday asked. You grab a dark green sweater and jeans from your dresser and throw them on quickly. You didn’t bother to pack the jumpsuit.
you wanted Tony to know why you had left so he could see the consequences of his actions and so that he wouldn’t tear the city apart thinking you were kidnapped. “I will, can you record a holographic message?” you ask. “Yes Miss, also Wanda will be arriving in 15 minutes”
“Okay”
☼-☪-☼
Tony awoke to the sound of his alarm blaring off into his ear “Shit. Friday shut that off!” he groans, lifting his head from the table “Yes Boss” she replies and the alarm shuts off. “Y/n has left a message for you to listen too. It is very important” she adds.
“Play it” he says going to lay his head back down on the table “It is a holographic message, Boss” Friday says. Tony begrudgingly lifts his head and leans it on his arm “Play it” he repeats. A second later you appeared sitting on the chair at the table with a blue hue around you.
“Hey Tony” you spoke a half smile on your face. tony would have found comfort in it if he doesn’t your puffy eyes and saddened expression. His head lifted on his arm “Remember our anniversary, you know your last chance and all that? Yeah.” you began. Tony sighed mumbling curses under his breath.
“I care about you, i have since you talked to me at the Shield dance, but i haven’t been your first priority in a while and i get it, but you promised when i left Shield that you would always make time for me. I know that Thanos shook you and you won’t admit it, but you need realize that something bad isn’t lurking around every corner”
Tony watched as you reached up and rubbed your eyes, the scene tugging on his heartstrings “We need a break from each other Tony, just for a little while. I’m going to stay with some friends. Please try to help yourself, get out the lab, clean yourself up, all of that.”
you pulled something off your ring finger and placed it on the table. Tony looked down and saw the silver ring with three aquamarine stones. He remembered proposing to you with it. You said the color reminded you of his reactor. Weirdly enough your hologram looked up at him and smiled.
“I’ll be waiting” you said and then flickered away “That’s the end of the message, Boss” Friday says. Tony slowly picked up the ring off the table. You had recorded the message in hear, talking to his sleeping body. He wished he had woken up.
☼-☪-☼
three months later
staying with Wanda was fun, but after a month or so you decided to get your own place. As much as you loved your big house you shared with Tony you bought small cabin well away from the city. It was quiet, it was outdoors and you loved it.
when you and Tony got engaged you ended up retiring from Shield so you could be more at home and help Tony with his work, but now even though you didn’t need a job you also didn’t like the idea of sitting on your ass. In that night of packing you put your old suit in there while on autopilot.
It took awhile, but you called up Fury and he was more than happy to let you back in “What does Stark have to say about all this?” he asked and you just sighed quietly “What Tony doesn’t know won’t hurt him” you replied and he didn’t ask any more questions after that.
getting back into your old life was pretty easy. All you needed was to get back into your regular exercise regiment that you had been lacking on and you felt more confident than ever. You didn’t feel neglected or forgotten, the complete opposite, you felt badass.
one day when you were walking out the store after picking up some groceries you felt eyes on you as you walked along the sidewalk. After years of being an Agent you knew when you were being followed. What was strange was that it felt like someone was watching you from above.
having a hunch at who it might be you quickly looked up and see a quick blur of red and blue swing away from your vision. Was this kid following you? but why? You duck into an alley way and walk slowly. You hear him drop behind you and follow your steps.
“Peter”
“Hi” he replies in nervous tone. You turn around, placing your free hand on your hip “Why have you been following me all week Peter?” yopu ask. You haven’t talked to Peter in months. Did he need something? Peter lifts his arm and grabs the top of his mask, pulling it off of his head.
he was lucky you were in a remote part of the city “Mr. Stark told me you weren’t together at the moment” he starts, looking at his feet. “I just wanted to make sure you were doing alright” he says and flashes a toothy grin. Aw- wait. “Did Tony ask you to check on me?”
Peter shook his head “No. He’s been busy with setting up the new senteries and therapy- i mean i don’t know. I just missed you and i can tell Mr. Stark is trying to change, but i hate to see you both so sad. I couldn’t imagine not being with Mj” he says. This kid was too adorable.
not only that he went out of his way to see how you were doing. Wait- what did he say about Tony “What senteries?” you asked, stepping closer to him. Peter started to fidget a bit “Uh- i really have to get going-” “Peter” you said in a demanding tone.
he exhaled deeply, knowing he wasn’t getting out of this “Mr. Stark has a whole line of senteries to sell to the senator so he can finally retire from being Iron Man. Not fully retire just on a long term vacation- that’s what he called it.” he spoke. Holy shit- you hoped he had done this for himself
and you as well- but mostly himself
a smile creeped onto your face. The most stubborn man you had ever met changed. “When does he plan on doing this?” you say to Peter “A dinner party this weekend. I wasn’t supposed to say anything until it was done. He was going to do some grand gesture to show you he’s changed”
you shook your head and placed a hand on Peter’s shoulder “Don’t be. For once i’m doing the grand gesture”
☼-☪-☼
saturday
after figuring out and planning on when and where you were going to show up you decided to tap into Friday’s systems and watch most of his speech then find Tony when the time was right, preferably when he was alone. Being with Tony for so long you figured out a way to enter your shared home, undetected.
once you were in the building you hid away in a spare room that was never used “Friday show me the room Tony’s in” you spoke, pulling out your phone “Yes Miss” she spoke and on your screen you saw Tony in the dining room. You lift your phone and flick it so its projected off the screen.
your eyes latched to Tony as soon as it turned on. He looked so different and healthy. It was pleasing to see that he was doing much better. You were also glad he took your advice. A warmth invaded your chest, it’s like you fell in love with him all over again.
gosh how you wanted to run into his arms that very moment.
“So Stark, why retire now?” the senator asked, taking a sip of wine from the glass he held. Tony seemed to tense up the question, but no one noticed other then you and Tony himself “If you asked me three months ago i would have told you to go to hell and that i don’t need to retire”
“and now?”
“Well back then i had my fiancee and thought i was the king of the world. Then i lost her because of my workaholic nature- also i’m not retiring Iron, Man will still be here for whoever needs him, but i think it’s time i put my future wife first if i want to keep her” he shrugs his shoulders casually.
most at the table were stunned into silence before the senator lifted his hand for tony to shake “I guess Tony Stark does have a heart” he spoke and Tony shook his hand. You felt something warm come down your face and reached to wipe the tears away.
god- what a charmer. Always knew just what to say.
“Well this was fun, but my finacee i’ve been talking about is actually here on the moment” he said. Wait what? You looked at the screen as Tony’s head turned towards the camera, sending you a wink. How the hell did he find out?! Tony grabbed a pen from his pocket and signed the paper.
“Happy will show you all out” Tony waved them off before walking out the room “If you step out the room you’ll be able to meet Mr. Stark in the hallway” Friday spoke. Oh so she snitched. Betrayal at it’s finest “Thanks Friday” you spoke before stepping out the room.
as you turned your head you come face to face with your husband to be, except he seemed nervous? “You look great- well you always look great” Tony says, making you form a smile “I’m proud of you” you say back. Tony reaches up, using this thumb to wipe away a stray tear.
“That means a lot coming from you. I can’t believe i let you slip away” his voice got darker, a frown forming. “I’m right here” you open your arms out. tony takes the opportunity to wrap his arms around your waist, pulling you flush against him. “But seriously Tony i will really leave you next time”
he nods “I know i know. You can have the whole house if i do” he says, making you chuckle. After a moment of staring into each other's eyes, silently making up for lost time. “Oh my god Tony Stark if you don’t kiss me right now-” you didn’t even need to finish before his lips were on yours.
the kiss was desperate and starved for a deeper feeling. Who knew one person could miss another so much? After this, you speculated you’d be stuck to his side like glue for a couple weeks before he say something stupid to piss you off.
Tony’s hands traveled lower and lower until they gripped the back of your thighs, causing a familiar feeling to bloom within you. He pulls away from your mouth and his lips attach to your neck, leaving hot open mouthed kisses. Zero to one hundred real quick.
“Tony” you breathed out. You could feel the smirk against the skin of your neck. Horny bastard “Tony seriously” you say, a laugh bubbling in your throat. He pulls away and looks at you ‘I’m trying to seduce you. Why are you interrupting?”
you shake your head and hook your arms around his neck “I love you, you idiot” you say, trying to catch your breath. A ego filling grin decorated his face as he pecked your lips “I love you too. Now let me get back to work” he says and goes back to kissing your neck and his hands worked off your belt.
yeah- you were in love
☼-☪-☼
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☼-☪-☼
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i know they're losing (chapter 2)
Hello everyone! Since the last chapter received such a positive response (well, if screaming could be called a positive response), I've decided to not make you all wait long for the second chapter of this fic. Also, I have no self-control. Anyways!
Once again obligatory disclaimer this is characters not people, don't ship real people, etc.
Chapter Title: over snow and winter's morn
Chapter Wordcount: 3203
Content warnings: more discussion of death, also quite a bit of Scott being a bit of a dick. He's going through it, besties.
AO3 Link
Chapter 1
Actual fic under the cut:
Jimmy doesn’t get a chance to return the ring any time in the next few weeks. Scott must have told Katherine that he visited, since she doesn’t come to bother him about it, and every time Jimmy tries to go to Rivendell, something gets in the way. Demon attacks, urgent business in his empire, once even Scott’s own guards turning him away. Apparently Scott is a ‘busy elf’. Jimmy doesn’t doubt he is, but he also doesn’t doubt that Scott’s actively trying to avoid him. Scott is a petty man, ultimately, and Jimmy knows this, used to love it like he loved all his husband’s flaws, all his imperfections that were perfect to Jimmy. Now, though, it just hurts that Scott’s turning that pettiness on him.
Finally, something changes. Jimmy gets an invitation (in person!) from one of his closest allies; Lizzie wants to hold a ball, and she wants as many people as possible to come. It will be fancy and formal, with dancing and politics and all the things Jimmy’s just a bit awkward with, but he is an extrovert at heart, and well...Scott will be there, as Lizzie warns him.
“I know you and him don’t really get on, so I get if you don’t want to come. I really hope you will, though, it’s going to be a fun night!”
Jimmy nods. “I’ll be there! I need to talk to Scott anyways, actually, got to return this ring to him. It’s important, I think.”
“Gotcha! See you there,” Lizzie says with a broad smile. Jimmy appreciates that she doesn’t ask any questions about the ring, especially given that it’s the one thing holding together his emotional state right now.
And that’s how he finds himself frantically searching for something fancy enough to wear to a formal ball, wishing he’d had the forethought to plan for this a bit better. Scott would have planned, he thinks, would have had an outfit laid out for each of them and the time it would take them to get there exactly calculated.
He shakes that thought off, settling for a green tunic with copper accents. It’s not the most elegant thing in the world, especially when you take into account the slime that’s dripped onto it, but it’ll have to do. It’s representative of his empire for sure, and the copper is a nod to his ally. It’s good enough, and that’s what matters, Jimmy thinks.
Lizzie greets him when he enters the ballroom, smiling widely with her new fiance by her side. “Jimmy! Glad you could make it!”
“Yeah, yeah, I did make it! Here I am!” The smile he gives her is genuine; he likes Lizzie. She's fierce and kind all at once, the best kind of ally.
Joel offers him a brief wave, which Jimmy happily returns before Lizzie drags him off to chat.
“So, heard from a little birdy you’ve actually been visiting Scott,” Lizzie says, a grin like the cat that got the bird on her face.
“As a favor to Katherine,” Jimmy quickly clarifies.
She nods. “She did say that, yes. She also said she heard about the visit from Scott himself.”
Jimmy hates himself a little for being pathetic enough to ask “What did- did she say what he said? Was he talking about me?”
“She didn’t say exactly, but he seemed ‘shaken up’, apparently...and a little wistful.”
“Oh, no. Lizzie, no.”
“Say, why did you have his ring?” She’s still grinning, a little more evil this time.
“It’s a long story!” Jimmy blurts, and flees. How’s he supposed to say ‘oh we were married on a server where we thought we were going to permanently die and then we respawned here and now Scott’s refusing to talk to me because the grief over my last death is slowly killing him’ tactfully? There’s just no way to do it! Nice one, Jimmy, now she thinks you’re in love with him or something, he thinks ruefully. Not that he isn’t- wasn’t. Wasn’t. Scott’s made it very clear that he and Jimmy are through.
Still, even with his depressing thoughts, the ball is pretty okay. No one’s gotten assassinated, there haven’t been any demonic appearances, Lizzie’s already showing off her engagement ring, and he’s pretty sure Joey’s going off about how hot demons are. It’s a decent party, by empires standards.
Scott makes an appearance some twenty minutes or so later, stepping into the ballroom with typical elven grace. He’s not a very elven elf, as he once told Jimmy, short and sarcastic with a love for mortals, but he still looks twice as elegant as everyone else in the ballroom. The shakiness in his step from a few weeks ago seems entirely gone, and for a minute, Jimmy’s heart leaps in hope. Maybe he’s getting better?
Well, only one way to find out. Jimmy swallows the complicated knot of emotion in his chest as he crosses the ballroom, coming to an ungraceful stop in front of Scott. Up close, the elf looks worryingly pale, and there are dark circles under his eyes. He looks like a strong breeze might sweep him away.
“Lord Codfather,” Scott greets.
“Elvenking,” Jimmy returns, dipping his head a little. Look, Scott, he can be formal too, alright? “Care for a dance?”
Scott stares for a long moment before giving a single nod. “I suppose I wouldn’t mind.” He takes Jimmy’s outstretched hand in his own gloved one, letting Jimmy put a hand on his waist as they start into a simple waltz.
Now, Jimmy is a terrible dancer, and he’s not too proud to admit it. He steps on Scott’s feet, gets off-rhythm once or twice, and nearly crashes them straight into Lizzie and Joel. But despite their current status as enemies(ex-spouses?), Scott says nothing about it. He’s silent, in fact, seemingly caught up in the music. There’s something wistful about his expression, something soft and gentle hidden under his icy facade. If Jimmy tries hard enough, he can almost pretend that the two of them are back in 3rd life, dancing under the stars, and Scott is looking at him like he’s the most precious thing in the world.
The illusion is shattered, however, by how heavily Scott is leaning on him by the end of the dance. He’s unsteady on his feet, grip like iron on Jimmy’s hand and shoulder. Though Jimmy can’t feel his hands though the gloves, when he brushes against Scott’s arm, it’s still a little too cold to be entirely right.
The music slows and then pauses before the next song, and they head for the edge of the dance floor.
“Thank you for the dance, Codfather,” Scott says. He steps away, face falling back into the emotionless facade so quickly it’s hard to be sure the tender expression of a moment before wasn’t a dream.
That’s the final straw for Jimmy’s fragile self-control. “Can we please stop acting like we don’t know each other?”
“What else do you want from me?” Scott snaps back.
“I- something! Anything! Just acknowledge that I exist, won’t you?”
“Acknowledging you exist doesn’t mean I’m still in love with you, you know.”
“I know,” Jimmy says, a little softer, a little bitter. “I know, trust me. I just want you to stop- to stop hurting yourself to try and avoid pain!”
“That’s not what I’m do-”
“Then what are you doing? Enlighten me, o wise elf!” They’ve kept their voices low enough, but people nearby are still starting to stare at them. Jimmy can’t bring himself to care. “You told me it would destroy you to lose me, but you’re losing me now by pushing me away!”
Scott’s expression is pained for a moment before he covers it with a glare. “I’m trying to do what’s best for the both of us, Jimmy.”
“No you’re-”
“I am an elf, and I cannot love a mortal. Humans are quick flames, burning and changing quickly. You’ll fall in love again, and you’ll forget me. There will be a mortal who loves you- I’m sure there are many already.”
“But I don’t want a mortal,” Jimmy protests. “I want you.”
“You can’t have me.”
“But why? Why, Scott?” His voice breaks, embarrassingly enough. “You said you loved me, you promised me all the time we’d be able to- to carve out, to steal from the universe.”
“I can’t give you that!” Scott snaps. “You’ll live sixty more years, maybe, a fraction of my life, a blink of an eye to an elf, and I can’t even give you that long! Not when I have to be the elvenking before anything else. Nothing I can do will ever be enough for you.”
“Enough for me? For ME? All I want is for you not to die to your own dumb plan and acknowledge my existance once in a while!”
“And all I want is for you to realize I can’t love you again!”
“Why can’t you care about me?”
“Why can’t you move on?” Scott counters.
“You’re not moving on, you’re just trying to forget!” Jimmy shouts.
In the silence that follows, he realizes that most of the ballroom must have heard the end of their little lovers’ quarrel. In fact, Lizzie’s somehow appeared next to him, laying a hand on his arm.
“Is everything alright, boys?” Her tight smile says that they will most certainly get kicked out of the ball if they continue this, and Jimmy can’t blame her.
“My apologies, Ocean Queen,” Scott says, switching to a formal tone with ease that Jimmy envies. He dips his head in respect, and only Jimmy sees how his hands tremble. “Everything is alright, but I am afraid I will have to leave early.”
She smiles again, dangerous this time. “No need to worry, Lord Smajor. Do try to avoid picking fights with my allies, next time, though.”
“It won’t happen again,” he promises, and sweeps away.
“Coward!” Jimmy shouts after him, anger making him bold. “You’re a coward, Scott!”
“Stop it,” Lizzie scolds. “You’ve already made quite the scene, and I did essentially kick him out. I’m not sure how much further you really want to carry it.”
“He is though, Lizzie, he’s a coward! Doesn’t want to face me because that means facing- well, facing everything that’s happened!”
“What do you mean, everything that’s happened?” Lizzie turns to the gathered audience of people who have been watching the spat, shooing them off as best as possible. They slowly disperse, thank goodness. “You and he are enemies, right?”
Jimmy almost winces. “It’s a bit- it’s a bit more complicated than that.”
“I can see that. Jimmy, that looked like a messy breakup!”
“It, um, well, it was. Sort of.”
“Oh, Jimmy.” Lizzie’s giving him a sympathetic look, which she follows up with a tight hug. “Next time, how about we don’t invite him?”
He nods against her shoulder, rage leaving him as quickly as it came. Instead, he just feels...tired. “Thanks, Lizzie.”
“Of course. We look after each other, yeah?’
“Yeah.”
Jimmy leaves the ball exhausted, still reeling from everything that happened. The few lingering bits of anger are what gets him home, a bitter taste in his mouth from the bitter words he spat. Coward! You’re a coward, Scott! He refuses to regret them.
Scott’s ring nearly ends up in the swamp again, but Jimmy’s cooled down enough by the time he gets back that he can’t bear to throw it away. Instead, it goes in a box which he tucks into his old storage chest, somewhere he’ll never have to see it again. Scott can go to hell if he wants the ring back after all that.
-
For a while, Jimmy’s plan to tuck the ring and never think about Scott again seems to be working. Lizzie visits a few times to check on him, but she never asks specifically about Scott, and Jimmy doesn’t say anything about him. He receives radio silence from Rivendell, and he tells himself that it’s good, that he doesn’t want to hear from Scott.
So yes, his plan is working, up until he gets a knock on his door and opens it to find Scott there.
The elf looks terrible, frankly, almost worse than he did at the ball. His hair, which is usually so nicely done, is a mess, cyan strands falling all across his face. His clothes are wrinkled and have swamp mud on them, his eyes have dark circles as violent as bruises, and he’s swaying a tiny bit. In short, he looks like he didn’t sleep for a week, chugged coffee, and fought god in a denny’s parking lot.
Jimmy thinks he’s kinda hot.
No, he doesn’t. Fake news, brain.
“Hi,” Scott says.
“Scott? What- why are you here?” Jimmy’s voice rises, in shock or outrage even he doesn’t know.
“I came to apologize.” Though he looks like he’s going to pass out at any second, Scott’s voice is steady. “I was scared- I am scared. I’m terrified to lose you again. But I shouldn’t have pushed you away and hurt you.”
“No, you shouldn’t have!” Jimmy snaps, but there’s little real rage behind it.
“I know. I- uh- fuck.” Scott’s hands are shaking as he pulls out a little box from some hidden pocket. “I brought a gift as an apology.”
Jimmy takes it, curious despite himself, and finds that what’s inside is a silver bracelet with little crystals embedded in it. Flowers are the predominant design; he recognizes roses, hyacinths, irises, anemone, and poppies. On the underside, there’s elven lettering, though Jimmy has no clue what it says. The whole thing is a little clumsy, not quite as professionally made as the ring Scott once gave him, and Jimmy looks up at Scott. “Did you make this yourself?”
“Mhm. I did my best, but it’s not as nice as I’d like.”
“It’s pretty,” Jimmy says.
Scott’s shoulders slump with relief. “It’s spelled, too. Protection, good fortune, that sort of thing.”
“Do the flowers mean something?”
“They do.”
Jimmy doesn’t press for details.
“I-” Scott starts again, a tremble in his voice that wasn’t there before. “I’m sorry, Jimmy, I really am. I won’t ask you to forgive me, but I needed to apologize before my time ran out.”
“Is it that- that dire?”
The barest nod. “This is what I chose to do with it. Making that, coming here. You deserved an apology.”
There’s a moment of awkward silence, Jimmy staring down at the bracelet.
Scott breaks it. “It wouldn’t be fair of me to ask you to love me. I can’t promise you eternity. I can’t promise you happiness. I can’t promise you that I won’t have to be the elvenking first and a husband second. But I am yours still, if you’ll have me.”
A part of Jimmy is very tempted to throw both Scott’s gift and his love back in his face. He can’t bring himself to stay mad, though, not when Scott’s looking at him like that, with so much raw vulnerability. So much devotion, like Jimmy’s the most precious thing he’s ever seen. It would be so, so easy to break that last strand of fragile hope in his expression; he’s offering up his heart on a silver platter, ready to shatter. Jimmy could- should- yell at him, reject his gift, tell him that he’s ruined any chance he has at Jimmy’s love.
Jimmy kisses him instead. It’s messy and it’s sudden and he very nearly drops Scott’s gift in the swamp in his haste to tangle his hands in Scott’s hair and press their lips together, but it’s real.
The little startled noise Scott makes gets cut off by Jimmy’s mouth on his. Scott’s lips are chapped and taste a little of glowberries, but Jimmy doesn’t care. He’s going to kiss his damn husband, something he thought he was never going to get to do again.
When they finally have to separate, Scott’s breathing hard, cheeks flushed. It’s a good look on him, Jimmy thinks, much more alive than his pale, rigid expression from before.
“So, I’ll take that as you want to stay married?” Scott’s voice is wry, collected, but his blush ruins the smooth effect.
“Of course I do! You absolute idiot!”
“Just checking.”
Jimmy kisses him again, just to shut him up. Scott goes with it easily, leaning into Jimmy’s embrace without complaint.
They pull apart quicker this time, and Jimmy holds the bracelet out. “Can you help me put this on?”
Scott nods. His hands are cold against the skin of Jimmy’s wrist when he fastens the clasp, but Jimmy grabs them and holds them in his own warm ones until they don’t feel quite so much like ice. It’s something. It’s a beginning.
“Come in and catch up with me?” Jimmy offers.
Scott nods again, and he doesn’t let go of Jimmy’s hand when Jimmy turns to go inside.
They talk about a lot of things. Empires, 3rd life, nightmares. Pufferfish, cake, flowers. They talk about the trials and tribulations of ruling; really, Jimmy complains that people keep attacking him and Scott nods in sympathy.
Eventually, though, the sun is starting to set.
“I need to get home,” Scott says. “You need sleep, not to stay up all night talking.” He goes to get up, and Jimmy immediately lunges, catching his sleeve.
“Don’t go! Please,” he adds, feeling his face flush at how desperate he sounds.
“Jimmy, darling, we both need to sleep.”
“We can sleep! I just….nevermind.”
“No, no.” Scott kneels back down, peering at him like Jimmy’s a puzzle that needs solving. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.”
“Jimmy.”
“I don’t want to be alone!” Jimmy blurts, and immediately flushes again. “It’s just, I’ve been alone for a long time, and there’s this demon thing that keeps showing up, and I’ve only just got you back, I’m not ready to let you go, and-”
“Hold on. What was that about a demon?”
“There’s this demon creature that I keep seeing, and it’s really messing with me,” he manages. “It sounds like you, sometimes, but all distorted, and I can’t handle it! You know me, I’m not brave or smart or anything, I’m just Jimmy!”
Scott’s frowning, worry wrinkling his brow. “Alright. How about you come to Rivendell for the night, then? I can protect us both easier there.”
Jimmy nods, feeling especially pitiful as Scott helps him to his feet. “Thank you.”
“Always. Do you still have the ring I gave you?”
“I do, I just….give me a moment to remember where I put it.”
“Good. It’s important.” Scott doesn’t elaborate, and Jimmy is too distracted looking for the ring to ask what he means.
Scott’s offer of protection feels flimsier when he has to lean on Jimmy as they travel back to Rivendell, but even then, it’s impossible to feel quite so afraid now that Jimmy isn’t alone anymore. And it’s even harder to fear anything that could happen when he’s safe in a warm bed, his head tucked against his husband’s chest. They’ll be okay, Jimmy thinks. They’ve been given another chance, and this time they’re going to get it right.
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his father's son
ayoo back again. these are always so much fun to make because otherwise it's me just yelling at my ipad of everything i'm thinking while exercising and singing show tunes and that's never fun. basically, all of my thoughts while watching his fathers son. hi bestie @lady-ofmagic-andstars
OH
IS THIS WHAT I THINKI IT IS
KNIGHT RUNNING?
CAMELOT RED WITH THE CAPE FLUTTERING?
PLEASE
SAL;DFJSADLKFJASLDKFJASLDF
KNIGHT MERLIN
HE ACTUALLY LOOKS SO GOOD HOLY CRAP
ASLJSALFASD AND HIS FACE WHEN THEY FIGURE OUT THAT THAT THIS IS AN ATTACK
STOP THE EPISODE JUST STARTED 🥵🥵🥵
omg merlin is still wearing the cape wtf he looks so good pls bbc have mercy
go away now agravaine.
let me relish in the joy of merlin wearing a cape
damn
you're welcome for this btw 😎😎
stop 😭😭 not arthur thinking that he's not worthy
ok i wish knew arthur knew his destiny but also i know why he can't know but i just don't want him to be sad because he's doubting himself yk???
i actually hate agravaine actually stop i feel like it's harsh but drop dead please 🤪
arthur is so good he just wants peace. agravaine please stop you're making him doubt everything that he is
i wish arthur listened to merlin but after watching this ending i can appreciate it
'i can't just kill a man in cold blood' 🥺🥺
arthur don't push him away he's just trying to help 😪
merlin has his blankie 2x this episode and you better believe that i'm commenting both times
arthur is just. i feel so sad for him sometimes. he's still so young and he has to rule a country now and just-
i get why arthur is doing what he's doing and such but i'm still sad.
alskdjfaslkdfjasdf jeez arthur not knowing abt merlin's magic is just. wow this episode is starting off strong 🤪🤪
ARTHUR DON'T BE MEAN 'stick to what you do know'. i mean. fine i'm just sad. SOMEONE TELL ME WHY I'M SO SAD SO EARLY ON IN THE EPISODE IT JUST GETS WORSE I NEED TO STOP
agravaine please leave now
ok that was hot how arthur walked in after the fact though. 'arthur pendragon. pop off'
arthur just wants peace i'm so sad he doesn't want to kill him but jsalkdfjsal;dkfjasdf
watching spn i watch the beheading a lot so i was expecting it but this is merlin haha
GWEN
WHY IS SHE THE BEST I ACTUALLY LOVE THEM TOGETHER. fvck you agravaine. actually die. please STOp
ok so merlin says 'dont push your friends' and while arthur says that he doesn't need anyone, at least he doesn't say that merlin isn't his friend. it's the little victories 😭
these castles are actually gorgeous
agaravaine please die now. stop
you manipulating arthur by claiming these things will make arthur into a good king is just making me so sad
fricken 'appropritate person' aalskdfj;alskdjfasldf
i literally just want arthur to be happy
dude i'm like 13 mins in and i'm angsting so hard over this
'a matter of the heart'🥺🥺
agaravaine die please :,)))))))
ok i'm so sad for arthur
he's still so young and he has the weight of his entire kingdom on his shoulders. he just wants to be a good king for his citizens and he wants peace and every good thing is just taken from him. he doesn't want to kill caerleon. he wants to marry gwen. and we have FREAKING AGARVAINE. this is why we can't have nice things.
ok the arthur using merlin as a punching bag transitively but also literally?? idk my head is blank. but like; merlin is letting himself be used as a punching bag and also it's his 'duty' to let arthur use him as a punching bag? idk idk thoughts?
stfu i don't want these white old men saying long live the king
pls chill
alright alright morgana
she is actually p good at getting onto annis's side so i'll give her props for that
oh shoot kneeling down to the queen? this is a power move but not a power move yk?
CLOAK
ok this is dumb but i love seeing merlin meander around with his little chores
ok what is bbc thinking when they have the "oh i'd never sleep in a bed with merlin" am i supposed to laugh? well i'm not. alrighty then
gwen :,) look at her in her pretty dress
you're breaking my heart right now arthur
you're BREAKING GWEN'S heart right now arthur
laksdjf;laskdfjasdlfkj I. JUST. WANT. THEM. TO. BE. HAPPY. please i need to read fanfic i'm angsting too hard over this
you tell him gwen. you're a badass and arthur is a sadass
i will not take gwen hate or slander
oh frick i was voted onto my school's hoco court so basically i had to walk across the football field and i felt so awkward and arthur walking down the step while everyone stares at him; i wonder if he feels as awkward as i did
LMAO 'he's not alone gwen' and pan to the arthur standing on a cliff alone?? pls
aw the domesticity 🥺
leon ruffling merlin's hair and that clink was such a good clink
where were these knights last episode. i'm suing
saj;flasjslad and arthur just loking at them fondly pls. he's so sweet i love him
'he's our king' that line makes me feel stuff
arthur sdfsd;as i just want him to be happy
MERLINS BLANKIE. WHY IS HE SO CUTE
bruh 💀 i laughed at the pure absurdity of him tripping over the tent
ok ok you know that vine 'two bros chilling in a hot tub 5 ft apart bc they're not gay?' that but 'two bros, chilling in 2 separate tents 5 ft apart bc they're not gay'
was- was that supposed to be a slap?
arthur is so earnest here and i love him he's the sweetest
sa;ldkfjsldfa arthur being protective over merlin
annis is such a badass. actually queen energy here. literally
merlin saying that they're friends again and arthur not denying it :,))))
these knights are so honorable
stfu agaravaine
'only one person who is just an honorable... ME' - arthur pendragon. HAHA sorry i cackled at this
agaravaine. i stg if you look at morgana like that i'll actually gank you
you absolute freak pervert person
alright ik morgana is evil and everything but i stan her improvement in magic
like- can merlin please get on with learning more magic??
as;dlfkjasdlfkja THE RING. dude i can't rn
merlin saying 'camelot needs you alive', i'm going to say yes.. but also if we swap out 'camelot' with 'i' then this is just a perfect insert line for fanfics :,)
THANK YOU OLD FRIEND. PLS you can't do this to me
aw when arthur asks if merlin is ready and merlin says ready
dude this episode is making me a lot more sad than it should
dude what is annis's champion. like look at his shoes??? they're leather?? literally stab him in the foot and we're golden.
youre welcome for the feet pics ;)
ok idk abt you guys but i can't write fight scenes with swords that well so i just base fights off tv and stuff and if you want inspo this is a great fight to write
legit the first battle with arthur and lancelot in the courtyard? yea i stole that
omg even with the champion is on his knees he's still taller than arthur??
alsjfalskdjasldfkjas ARTHUR AND MERLIN MEETING EACH OTHERS EYES AND ARTHUR NOT KILLING ANNIS'S CHAMPION
dude the trope of 'you make me want to be a better person'?? please i live for this stuff
ok the knights saying long live the king? i love that
alright alright annis&arthur
annis is ACTUALLY queen energy i love her. i love her pop off queen
oh shoot annis hit morgana where it hurts. bring up uther that's right queen
oh yes more castle pics 🥵🥵🥵
a aaw the ceremony for them
merlin and arthur are PALS i love them togehter
stop. there are so many words but i'm so glad they're lads
arthur is lying so awkwardly on that bed HAHA
DUDE THIS IS SO PRETTY AND CUTE AND OH MY FRICKEN ALSKDFJALSDJFASDLFKJASDL. alrighty then
yes arthur you're a dumbass you're lucky that gwen is taking you bad she's a frickin badass biatch who doesn't need you
alright arthur say what you mean why don't you
are we.. are we gonna kiss rn
THE SOUND TRACK PLEASE I LOVE IT. THE ROMANCE SWELL I ACTULALY LOVE IT
THEY'RE SO PRETTY TOGETHER
i love arthur in his night clothes and his bare feet. like that just makes it feel so much more domestic and homely and they love each other and just everything they're actually everything. THEYRE SO CUTE.
ANYWAYS i'll be back next week to endlessly rant about a servant of two masters. thanks i love you bye 😘
#merlin#merlin bbc#arthur pendragon#bradley james#king arthur#gwen#angel coulby#morgana pendragon#katie mcgrath#gaius#agravaine hate squad#richard wilson#colin morgan#emrys#gwaine#lancelot#leon#pervical
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It’s the post everyone’s been waiting for!
It’s taken a little while for me to get around to this, but it’s worth it for being able to make a full reaction post. This is really long so I’ll put it under a cut, but check it out for my complete scene-by-scene reaction of Miraculous’ “Felix” episode!
(´∀｀)♡
Okay, I’ve been putting this off for days now so it’s time to finally get to it. I’m comfy and undisturbed and have my supplies ready to go.
I know next to nothing about what I’m going into. I’ve seen a little bit here and there because some people haven’t tagged their content properly, but I haven’t watched either of the trailers. I haven’t even looked directly at the images of Felix which have been going around. I’ve tried to stay as blind as possible, so as a result I’m pretty excited but also very anxious. I’ve taken two beta blockers today and I’m considering taking a third.
I usually liveblog episodes on our Ladybug PV Discord server (message me for an invite!) but this time I’m making a proper post out of it. I’ll be typing up my reactions as I go then cleaning everything up a little bit afterwards. I think it’s the first time I’ve done something like this on my blog so here goes!
- “Script: Thomas Astruc” NO. HE REALLY COULDN’T JUST STEP AWAY FROM THIS EPISODE GRACEFULLY, COULD HE. HE HAD TO GET HIS HANDS DIRTY. I’m not going to say “fuck this man” but, you know, identical sentiments. I’m opening my chocolate bar.
- God, Emilie looks more like ET every time I see her. Such an awkward model.
- Oh but wait, Sébastien Thibaudeau was on the script? That does actually give me some hope! Next to Zag himself he’s the only writer on this mess of a show I trust. HE FIXED WAYHEM, CAN HE DO FELIX A SOLID TOO? PLEASE. PLEASE SÉBASTIEN OL BUDDY OL PAL OL FRIENDA MINE
- Does Gabe have anything else to say to his wife other than monologuing his Miraculous plan over and over? They say people in comas can still hear things but Emilie’s probably double unconscious from how boring her husband is.
- DON’T LIKE THAT KNIFE SOUND EFFECT FROM THOSE RINGS. Am I supposed to find it sweet that Gabe’s taking such good care of their wedding bands or is he about to use them for evil? Also where’s Felix.
- ADRIEN SWEETHEART. I maintain that it’s weird to have a statue of your wife/mother/self in your own garden but it kills me that he’s just sitting there in front of it like a lost kitten.
- “Of course, someone will get you right away.” IS THAT FELIX. WAS SHE ON THE PHONE TO FELIX. WHERE’S MY SON, NATHALIE HAVE YOU SEEN MY SON
- That wide-eyed look Adrien turns up towards the window is killing me even more. I’M SO SAD. I see he also hasn’t noticed he’s sitting in the middle of a giant butterfly circle, unless he’s so used to it being Gabe’s logo that he’s just not paying it any mind. When was this all built? Has Gabe always used a butterfly motif even before he got his Miraculous and it was just a great coincidence, or did he commission this whole garden area after Emilie went missing? I guess you could pass it off as eccentricity but in the real world that would be a HUGE red flag that Gabe murdered her. I dunno man.
- DON’T WAVE AT HIM LIKE THAT, NATHALIE. YOU RATTED HIM OUT IN 5 SECONDS IN THAT THEORETICAL FUTURE WHERE YOU DISCOVERED HE WAS CHAT NOIR. YOU DON’T CARE ABOUT THIS BOY. >:V
- “It’s been one year.” HAS IT? Hasn’t Adrien been at school for at least a year now? Didn’t his mom vanish two years prior to that?! Maybe she’s talking about how long Gabe has been fighting Ladybug and Chat Noir but knowing this show’s messy timeline it could be anything. WHERE’S FELIX.
- That’s the song from Chat Blanc! Was that something his mom taught him? OH NO, I’M EVEN SADDER NOW. This is what I mean about Sébastien’s writing, we’d never get this kind of focus on Adrien from Garbage Man Astruc. This kind of character exploration does wonders for ML whenever it’s brought up so I hope this is consistent.
- SHIT, GABRIEL’S OUT OF THE HOUSE. SOMETHING’S WRONG. THOSE EXPENSIVE LEATHER SHOES HAVEN’T TOUCHED ACTUAL GROUND IN YEARS. ADRIEN GET OUT OF THERE.
- I do like that Adrien doesn’t get up when his dad comes to stand right next to him like that. It’s just informal enough. He’s waiting for Gabe to make the first move this time and that’s nice development considering how stiff and cold their relationship was in S1.
- OOOOH GABE THAT’S AN AWKWARD CROUCH. Any lower down and his back is going to go. He’ll be stuck there. I do LOVE that he’s trying though, I don’t even know what he’s going to say to Adrien but this is already SO good.
- “There’s something important I have to talk to you about.” Finally time for The Talk, huh.
- GABE PLEASE. ADRIEN’S WAY TOO CHIRPY TO HAVE ACTUALLY CAUGHT ON TO WHAT YOU WERE GOING TO SAY. HE THINKS YOU’RE TRYING TO SAY YOU LOVE HIM OR SOMETHING ELSE RIDICULOUS
- “I’ve noticed how close you and Nathalie have become!” CLOSE ENOUGH. Still in the ballpark of Adrien thinking his dad has real human feelings!
- “HOW COULD YOU POSSIBLY THINK SUCH A THING??” I GENUINELY LAUGHED OUT LOUD AT HOW ANGRY GABE WAS ABOUT THAT. I’m not sure what to think of the “Nathalie replacing Emilie when Emilie’s technically still alive” plot either but GABE’S DECIDED FOR ME. Also good job yelling in your son’s face when you were JUST having a moment, good luck getting back up off your knees in order to storm away, old man.
- Oh alright, he did get up, but it was with a strange angry bow-legged prance. I think he still had trouble.
- I love the way Adrien just kinda wide-eye-blinks at him, like Gabe’s emotional outburst is going totally over his head. He’s been dealing with akuma FAR too long to be bothered by this.
- Guests, plural? I’m guessing Felix is one of them but is he with someone else? That makes sense given he’s (as far as I’ve gathered) the same age as Adrien so he wouldn’t be running around far from home unchaperoned, but OHHH this is so interesting.
- So they ARE claiming it’s been one year since Emilie vanished! This just doesn’t work as a Season 3 episode, especially with Nathalie and Gabe’s romantic development being as far along as it is. Emilie’s been gone for at LEAST three years by this point! Read your show bible once in a while you horrible garbage man!!! Also ADRIEN SWEETHEART THAT’S A LITTLE PREMATURE. You can say “went away forever” when you’re three years into her disappearance, the anniversary of one year really isn’t long enough to claim she’s never coming back!
- OH NO, IT’S THE GIRLS. I’m already bored. Unless Luka is here I really just do not care what they’re all up to. I haven’t missed Marinette at ALL in the first two-and-a-half minutes and I don’t want to see her now. WHERE’S FELIX.
- I’m sorry, how are Lila, Chloé AND Kagami all on a video call together without any blood being drawn? Also for god’s sake PLEASE leave Adrien alone, you want to ask first if he’d LIKE some company or if he’d prefer a quiet personal day to think about his mom? OF COURSE NOT MARINETTE, YOU WOULDN’T WOULD YOU.
- Okay, a video message is definitely a better idea than trying to break into his house AGAIN. At least then he can watch it whenever he feels up to it. The first good, safe, noninvasive idea Mari’s had for SEVERAL episodes when it comes to Adrien.
- I’M REALLY TORN WHEN IT COMES TO THE ENGLISH DUB. On one hand I hate how little screentime Nino has when he’s not just being Alya’s fashion accessory, but on the other hand I’m so glad they switched scenes the moment Nino started his video because I CANNOT handle his dub voice. Nino just deserves better in general really.
- HE WAS CRYING. MY BOY WAS CRYING AGAIN. I’M NOT COOL WITH THIS. IT’S NOT ABOVE YOUR PAYGRADE TO GIVE HIM A HUG, NATHALIE.
- ALRIGHT HI ELSA. IS THIS HIS AUNT? THAT’S SPOOKY.
- Her name is Amelie? So their parents had twins and named them Amelie and Emilie, and they turned out the same right down to the over-the-shoulder Dead Anime Mom hairstyles? That’s lazy parenting down to a tee, can’t mix your twins up if you never have to learn the difference between them in the first place! But that’s INTERESTING that Felix is (I assume, still haven’t seen him yet) from Emilie’s side of the family, I’ve always had the impression he was a petit Gabriel.
- OHHH THAT’S MY BOY! I CAN SEE MY BOY IN THE DOORWAY!!! OH MY GOD GIVE HIM TO ME. GIVE ME FELIX. GIVE ME MY SON.
- ADRIEN IMMEDIATELY JUMPING ON HIM IN A HUG IS ABSOLUTELY PERFECT. WHILE FELIX’S HAND IS STILL OUTSTRETCHED FOR A HANDSHAKE. I know this episode is going to go downhill because there’s no way it won’t, but this one single moment is EVERYTHING I WANTED. I should just close the tab now and leave it at this, I really should.
- “Do you remember when they used to have so much fun pretending to be each other? Once they had you and Emilie fooled for a whole weekend!” WHERE HAS THIS BEEN FOR MY ENTIRE ORDEAL GETTING THROUGH THIS SERIES. I don’t even care if this Felix is a stone cold bitch, it’s enough to know he and Adrien were besties when they were kids and Adrien still wanted to hug him the second he walked through the door. AMAZING.
- “I WON’T BE FOOLED A SECOND TIME.” WHAT DOES THAT MEAN, GABE. THEY WERE PROBABLY TODDLERS. ARE YOU JUST SO USED TO GETTING YOUR ASS HANDED TO YOU BY CHILDREN THAT YOU’RE SUSPICIOUS OF EVERY SINGLE ONE NOW
- Aww, Felix is American (dubbed, anyway). I was really hoping he’d be British with all the references to London over the last season. He does have a nice voice though! I can tell he shares Adrien’s actor but he’s got the softness I’d have expected from his character. There’s kind of an interesting look about his face though, I wish they’d tweaked it a bit to give him a sharper look but I guess he IS like 14, he can afford to still have a bit of baby-cheeked roundness. I’m going to find the positives in every part of this because I will NOT give Garbage Man Astruc the satisfaction of being disappointed like I know he wants me to be. It’s been a fucking war from the moment I saw his name in the writing credits and my best weapon is being pleased about everything in this episode.
- Okay, he looks a little better in the following closeup where his eyes are slightly narrowed. I think it’s the slightly-below-the-chin angle which doesn’t really work for his character model with his soft cheeks and high collar. FELIX IS A BABY.
- WHY WILL NOBODY SHAKE HIS HAND. Adrien hugged him instead and Gabe is ignoring him completely, Felix is clearly so perplexed and I love it. He’s fourteen! He’s fourteen and doing his best with social graces but NOBODY WILL HELP HIM.
- “Felix, you know your uncle’s never been the physical sort!” HE KICKED HIS OWN SON RIGHT ACROSS PARIS IN THE LAST EPISODE BUT SURE, IF YOU SAY SO.
- “Oh, how sweet! You’re still wearing your wedding band!” YEAH? IT’S BEEN LIKE A YEAR?? Again this would make more sense if it had been around three years like we KNOW Emilie’s been gone for, but picking someone out for still wearing their ring after 12 months?! And why isn’t Amelie more emotional about this anyway, isn’t it her sister who’s missing? I wouldn’t be poking fun at MY sister’s husband for keeping his ring if SHE went missing. No wonder Felix seems like he turned out weird.
- I CAN’T MAKE OUT THE NAME OF HER BRANCH OF THE FAMILY AND IT’S KILLING ME. SOMEONE LET ME KNOW WHAT THAT WAS. Graham de Vanily? I can’t place the words. I mean I’m going to keep calling Felix “Agreste” no matter what but I’d like to know what canon is trying to get at.
- “It’s been a long journey from London” I KNEW IT, I FFFFFFFFFUCKING KNEW IT. SO THEY ARE BRITISH?! BUT THEY HAVE AMERICAN ACCENTS?! I mean I guess they’re French first and foremost, but what the fuck is with the American accents if you’re making a POINT about them being from London?! I can’t wait for the French audio to be released, I really want to know what Felix sounds like there. Regardless AAAH MY SON IS FROM MY CITY, I’M SO PLEASED.
- “TakeFelixtoyourbedroom.” EASY GABE THEY JUST MET, ALSO THEY’RE COUSINS
- Poor Felix looks so depressed being saddled with Adrien. Sweetie it’s okay, think positive! You could be stuck with Marinette and THAT would be a true nightmare.
- Now why does Felix keep glancing at Gabe? Is there something going on there? Is he suspicious about what happened to his aunt? I can’t imagine he knows anything about the Miraculous so what’s the deal here?
- UuuuuUUUUGH we’re back with the rest of the gang. I’M NOT INTERESTED, SHOW ME MORE FELIX.
- “Help me Tikki! What would you tell a Kwami friend who’s lost their mom?!” You’re talking to a 5000-year-old demigoddess, Mari, I don’t think she’s gonna relate.
- MARI YOU CAN’T CONFESS TO ADRIEN. NOT AFTER CHAT BLANC. GABE WILL LOSE ALL HIS CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT TO WRECK THE LOVE SQUARE AND ALSO THE MOON’S GOING TO EXPLODE. WHY ISN’T BUNNIX HERE TO SLAP THE TABLET OUT OF YOUR HANDS
- Should Tikki really be encouraging this?! I have no idea where in the timeline this is supposed to be. Maybe this is at a stage where she doesn’t know Adrien is Plagg’s chosen so there’s no reason to steer Marinette away from bonding with him. Or maybe every episode just plays by its own rules and there’s really no such thing as continuity in this series. I want to see Felix again.
- YANKING AT AN ELECTRONIC DEVICE ON THE OUTER EDGE OF A BOAT ISN’T GOING TO END WELL. DON’T. I do love how :D Alya is about it though, if nothing else I love what a supportive friend she is.
- Oh, the tablet didn’t go into the water! I’m genuinely surprised by that. Though I imagine Felix is going to fuck things up in some way so he’ll probably be the one to destroy the video somehow. We all know the relationship development isn’t allowed to move forward so SOMETHING’S going to happen to it.
- Thank god we’re back to the mansion. I’m surprised and pleased that (for now at least) we’re only getting the girls in small doses and the plot is mainly focused around the Agrestes. Gorizilla is my favourite episode to date and it did a similar thing with allowing Marinette to be a side character for once along an Adrien-centric plotline, so hopefully this episode will be similar. I’m liking its odds so far but who knows what Horrible Garbage Man Astruc has up his sleeve.
- “I’m really sorry I didn’t come to your dad’s funeral.” I’M SORRY WHAT? PARDON ME? THAT’S AN ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM I DIDN’T EXPECT. As a side note I love Felix being killer at basketball for some reason, he doesn’t look like the athletic type at ALL but he still made that net over his shoulder without even LOOKING. Goddamn. Can everyone please appreciate how cool my son is!!!
- “My father thought it would be too hard on me, considering everything that’s happened this year.” So Felix lost his dad VERY RECENTLY. OUCH. DON’T LIKE THAT. Or I DO like that because it’s already giving his character some extra depth when we’re still only just getting to know him, but on an emotional level I don’t like that.
- “He’s very... protective of me.” CHAT BLANC REALLY WAS A HOT MESS OF AN EPISODE WASN’T IT.
- Now Felix is giving Adrien a hug?! I didn’t see that one coming. My canon Felix would mean it but I don’t quite trust this new Felix yet, he’s probably up to something.
- WHAT A JARRING PIANO TRANSITION. Also why?! What does he have to gain from swiping Adrien’s phone? He’s probably got a terrible roaming plan on his own mobile, that’s always my problem when I go to France. If you truly loved your cousin you’d let him browse Reddit on your phone, Adrien. This is worse than not coming to his dad’s funeral.
- PLAGG KNOWS SOMETHING’S UP. He ought to, in another life he and Felix are STILL dealing with each other.
- Okay I take back what I said about Felix’s voice. Bryce Whatshisface isn’t doing a very good job separating the tones. I can buy that Adrien and Felix sound very similar but their delivery should be completely different! I really do want to watch this in French, I get the feeling it’ll sound much better.
- AH YES, HERE WE GO. I’m getting the feeling this is Garbage Man’s part of the episode. Squished cheese aside, I do like the implication Felix does (or did) card magic and karate. I’m thinking of that Mickey Mouse episode where he vanishes Donald’s car keys with a hand trick except it’s Felix vanishing Marinette’s phone when she’s about to text Adrien or something. I’ve got to draw that.
- “Mind if I take a shower?” WHY, FELIX. I mean I’d probably want to shower too after the London-Paris commute (and I’m sure he’s only going in there to wreak havoc, put food colouring in Adrien’s shampoo bottles or something) but what a weird time to ask!
- I mean Plagg has a point about difficult home situations not justifying bad behaviour (and I feel like that’s not what’s going on, with how he was glaring at Gabe I think he’s behaving like this for some other reason), but Felix’s dad LITERALLY DIED. Like they had a funeral and everything. Emilie is just “missing”. They’re SIMILAR but that’s still a false equivalence because Adrien’s got hope to hold on to and Felix doesn’t.
- So we’re not going to talk about how Felix got into Adrien’s passcode-protected phone? I guess he could have done the fogging-up-the-screen trick from Oblivio. Standing around in a steamy bathroom in three layers of clothing is a great way to sweat yourself out and ruin your hair though, way to get even more gross than a five-hour commute between countries.
- “Of course that idiot has a crush on a superhero!” EASY THERE, MR HOWLING-ON-A-ROOFTOP-BECAUSE-HE-SAW-THE-GIRL-HE-LIKED. WE’VE ALL SEEN THE PV.
- I’ve just noticed Felix has a ring too! I don’t know how I missed that before this scene! That’s NICE. He’s still not allowed to have it on his middle finger (LET HIM SWEAR) but that’s a nod back to Chat Noir which I really appreciate!
- ROSE HAS BEEN ON THE HELIUM. SOMETHING’S NOT RIGHT THERE.
- FELIX KNOWS CHLOÉ! THAT’S NICE, THAT’S GOOD. I LIKE THAT. That’s also a really nice little video from her, I love the few small moments we’ve had that affirm she and Adrien really ARE friends, whether she wants to date him or not.
- OOOH HE DELETED THE VIDEOS. I’m curious about him borrowing Adrien’s clothes too, are they going to dress the same? You’d think Adrien wouldn’t give someone an exact copy of the outfit he’s currently wearing but I genuinely don’t know if he owns anything different. I hope they don’t just use two Adrien models for the rest of the episode, please let me see Felix properly :/
- WHY. HONESTLY, WHY. CAN I PLEASE GET AN EXPLANATION FOR WHY FELIX IS DOING THIS.
- OOOH MARI YOU’RE NOT GONNA LIKE THIS. I can imagine Felix is going to say something nasty and that’ll set the girls off and bring about the akuma of the week. I’m mildly entertained but I’m still not engaged with this idea without any proper explanation. We’d better get something by the end of the episode which justifies what’s made Felix do this, because “he’s just evil lol” would be a reeeeally low move from Garbage Man Astruc.
- MARI SWEETIE. YOU’VE GOTTA LEARN TO CHECK A ROOM IS EMPTY BEFORE YOU RUN INSIDE AND START FREAKING OUT VERY LOUDLY. LUKA’S HEARD ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING.
- Luka is such a nice character. Why does he get to be so high quality when Felix has been turned into a cheese-smashing phone-stealing gremlin? I mean I KNOW why, but I’d like to think the showwriters are better than this. They’re not, but I’d like to think they are.
- WHAT A VIDEO MESSAGE. I love how Luka’s just sitting there grimacing while Mari speeds off into battle, he doesn’t know what she’s about to do but he knows better than to try stopping her.
- Back with Gabe and Nathalie. Is this what was being foreshadowed when Gabe claimed he wouldn’t be fooled by the boys’ identity switch twice? Is he GOING to be fooled again or will he be the one person who can tell immediately that this isn’t his son?
- “FELIX.” WOW, HE REALLY WASN’T FOOLED TWICE. RESPECT. He may have trouble getting up off the ground if he sits down too low but he can at least identify his child in a difficult situation like this, props to Gabe this week.
- “All this disappointment might just help us get rid of our unwanted guests!” SHUT YOUR MOUTH, FELIX IS A DELIGHT. The only unwanted guest here is Astruc on the writing team.
- “Felix... I told you that you couldn’t fool me twice.” Way to blow your identity in five seconds Gabe. I guess he hasn’t sent out the akuma yet so this might just be a personal monologue, but he starts addressing his victims directly so often at this stage that I’m really not sure what they can or can’t hear. SHIT’S RISKY.
- OH OKAY, SO HE’S SENDING THIS TRIPLE AKUMA AFTER FELIX? AND/OR ADRIEN, DEPENDING ON HOW HARD IT IS TO TELL THEM APART? I guess that’s what he means by getting rid of their guests, if the house is attacked by a monster (or monsters?) they aren’t going to want to stick around, but I REALLY HOPE YOU’RE TAKING ADRIEN’S WELLBEING INTO ACCOUNT HERE GABE OL BUDDY :/
- “TIKKI, SPOTS ON! MNUURGH” ME TOO MARINETTE. I’M REALLY ONLY 12 MINUTES INTO THIS.
- I’m gonna be honest, I’m not really interested in the girls. I was hoping for a real triple akuma (like Oblivio was apparently Alya and Nino together) but they’re all just villains we’ve seen before. There’s stuff I could comment on here but I just want to see more of Felix, that’s what I’m here for.
- “Nathalie, get Adrien to a safe place far from his cousin!” YOU’RE REALLY JUST GONNA SACRIFICE FELIX LIKE THIS. I guess that makes sense, I WAS complaining during Chat Blanc that Adrien is Gabriel’s weak point, so all things considered I’m not surprised that he’ll protect Adrien but just flat-out wants Felix dead. Fair enough.
- WOW. I THOUGHT ADRIEN WAS GOING TO BE HEROIC AND DEFEND FELIX BUT HE WANTS HIM DEAD TOO. Or was that a double bluff to make the akuma think he MUST be Felix so he can lead them away and keep his cousin safe? He’s just run off with a wild cackle so I’m thinking it’s the latter. HE’S A GOOD BOY AND A TRUE HERO.
- I also find it kind of funny how Nathalie will jump in harm’s way to defend him when there have been INNUMERABLE other episodes of Gabe just setting an akuma directly on Adrien for the hell of it. Maybe because there isn’t really any ‘harm’ here to start with; the three girls’ powers are probably the least violent of all the akuma we’ve seen so far.
- AM I REALLY ABOUT TO SEE FELIX DRESSED AS ADRIEN DOING KARATE. I HOPE HE’S GOOD AT IT.
- OH MY GOD HE IS GOOD AT IT. That’s cool! I was expecting him to totally flop considering how badly his imposter trick went down a few minutes ago, but it’s nice to see he’s as capable at fighting as he is at basketball. When do I get to see his magic card tricks?
- YEAH I FEEL THE SAME PLAGG. WHAT’S EVEN HAPPENING. Not that I think Adrien shouldn’t save Felix, I just want to know WHY Felix felt like he had to do this in the first place! I feel like “can I PLEASE get a waffle” except instead of watching the employees fight I’m watching this episode careening away with no pauses to explain what’s going on.
- FELIX C’MON. STOP CAUSING PROBLEMS ON PURPOSE. I can tell Garbage Man Astruc still has the reins here because causing even MORE trouble even AFTER Adrien saved his ass is a completely illogical course of action. PUT SÉBASTIEN BACK IN THE WRITERS CHAIR.
- “WHICH PART OF THE WORD ‘NO’ DID YOU NOT UNDERSTAND?!” Oh perfect, great, can’t let this episode end without accusing Felix of not respecting consent! That’s a hot button issue and if Garbage Man Astruc can get him on that bandwagon then fans HAVE to hate this character! Great move! Fucking pillock!
- WOW CHAT THAT’S MEAN. I guess accusing Felix of having no friends is justified in the context of the episode but yikes :(
- Was that a flash of humiliation from Felix there? God will one of the writers PLEASE save this character, PLEASE don’t let this episode end without someone getting him out of the Garbage Man’s big meaty claws.
- Excuse me WHAT? Felix is talking directly to Papillon?! So he knows about all the Miraculous stuff?! Oh NO, is this about getting his dad back? I don’t know whether the One Wish is common knowledge (I don’t think it is?) but maybe Felix put the pieces together on his own back home, so all his behaviour here has been trying to incite an akuma that he can take advantage of to appeal to Papillon?! Or he could just be a bitch all on his own, which is probably what the Garbage Man would prefer, but this makes a lot of sense all of a sudden.
- BRO HE NEARLY DIED. BRO. BROOO.
- “I hope you’ve learned your lesson!” YOU’RE NOT EVEN GONNA ASK ABOUT THE PAPILLON THING? YOU CAN’T JUST TREAT THIS AS A REGULAR DISTURBANCE, FELIX KNOWS SHIT ABOUT THE MIRACULOUS YOU GUYS--
- FELIX’S MOM IS REALLY GOING TO BLAME HIS DEAD DAD FOR THIS? HARD YIKES. NO WONDER FELIX IS WEIRD.
- I’m expecting this isn’t over, because Felix still clearly wants something specific that he didn’t get, but I’ll take this cute hug for what it is. He didn’t have an evil expression behind Adrien’s back this time either and the music is all soft and nice, plus he FINALLY got a handshake from Gabe, but I absolutely do NOT imagine this episode will end without getting an extra shot in at the PV fans somehow. We’re not getting off this easy.
- Why doesn’t Gabriel want Adrien to go after Felix? Is he scared he’ll try to run off, or ask them to stay longer when he really wants to get rid of them?
- AHAHA FELIX STOLE GABE’S RING. WHAT A BRAT. Was that the “jewelry” he mentioned wanting in return for helping Papillon? I figured it was a Miraculous thing but maybe not.
- OHHH, look how much Felix loves his mom! This is such a sweet scene. I particularly like the idea that Amelie was trying to get the rings back to give one to Felix because the way she was speaking to Gabe made it sound like she wanted them Just Because. But you can’t mention some wild story connected to the rings and then not explain it! I want to know what that is, I want to know why Felix is so fascinated with it!!!
- ALSO, FELIX GETTING A BIG KISS RIGHT ON THE FOREHEAD. EXCELLENT. I’ll fucking BET this is another scene Sébastien sneaked in because it’s such an emotional quality shift from the whole clone mess. Like what the fuck even WAS that.
- Yep, Felix is still evil! WHY THOUGH. WHAT’S GOING ON. CAN I PLEASE GET A WAFFLE
- I was expecting a worse ending, but “Felix can’t ever come back to Paris because Gabriel will kill him with his bare hands if he does” is decent enough. If there’s no further confirmation (and NO, anything Garbage Man Astruc tweets later on does NOT fucking count so don’t try me) I’m going to take it that he WAS actually sorry for what he did to Adrien. That’s better than nothing.
.
.
WELL THAT WAS AN EPISODE. That actually wasn’t nearly as bad as I thought it would be - it could have been a lot better but it could have been a lot worse too. The beginning and end were nice enough even if the middle part was Garbage Man Astruc’s usual atrocious mess of self-service, though I do particularly despise the hamfisted consent issue shoved in there just to generate extra reasons to hate the character. WE GET IT, YOU DON’T LIKE FELIX. OFF YOU FUCK.
I’ve slept on this next paragraph to give myself time to formulate some concrete thoughts about the plot, so... Well, it was a mess, that’s for sure. They spent way too much time establishing how oH sO eViL Felix was and not nearly enough time actually explaining his character.
Why is he acting out like this? What has he got against Adrien in particular? Is he really sore about Adrien not supporting him at his dad’s funeral or is that just what Adrien thinks is his problem? What was his relationship with his dad before he died? Was his troublemaking all about trying to provoke an akuma and ask Papillon to help him get his family rings back (which he was clearly trying to steal from the moment he walked through the door, only Gabe wouldn’t shake his hand the first time), or was that just a side effect of causing shit for no reason? Did he mean his apology to Adrien at the end? WHAT was the deal with the rings and the story attached to them? There’s a whole interesting story buried in here which just got completely overlooked by the emphasis on how terrible he was and that’s really disappointing.
I did like his damaged-but-still-good relationship with Adrien though, there’s still hope there and maybe Felix (if he ever shows up again, which I only hope he does if it’s NOT another excuse for Garbage Man Astruc to shit on the PV fandom again, for the love of FUCK don’t give this guy multiple opportunities) will start coming around and making the effort to be a better cousin since Adrien’s given him a second chance. I don’t know. What I liked just as much was Marinette actually barely being in this episode at all, for the first time since Gorizilla she’s ALLOWED to be the supporting character again and that’s GREAT.
I don’t really know what else to say. I’m exhausted. Adrien’s a darling and I think I prefer my Twin AU, though canon Felix being a delightful little gremlin who causes problems-on-purpose is something I can work with in the future too.
Thanks for coming on this... interesting journey with me! I posted a set of tweets last night which I’ll leave here to finish up:
#josie's art#josie talks about things#miraculous ladybug#felix agreste#this can go in my felix tag for organisation's sake#and NO i'm not going to start calling him felix vanillagrahams or whatever his canon name is; leave me alone#anyway here's the post everyone wanted; it got VERY LONG but i ain't even sorry#i usually liveblog on the PV discord server but i felt this deserved its own post of basically-the-same-thing-but-neater
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Love Bytes 06 | Boolean Logic | KNJ (M)
Last time on Love Bytes 05: Your friends have good intentions when eavesdropping on your first tinder date. When things don’t go exactly as you imagined, there’s comfort to be found elsewhere. A charming gesture takes your breath away and you find yourself dangerously close to crossing a line you’d never thought of before.
Rating: M (Explicit 18+)
Word Count: 12.8K
Series: Love Bytes (6/?)
Genre: F2L, fluff, humor, SLOW BURN, friendship feels, ANGST! pining, sexual tension, smut, Bestfriends!au, CollegeProjessor!Namjoon, S O F T Namjoon, did i mention slow burn??? :)
CW: anxiety, panic attacks, some negative self-talk, dirty talk, teasing, grinding, dry-humping
Pairings: Namjoon x Reader, brot7
masterlist // previous chapter // next chapter
Do not repost.
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It’s been twenty minutes since Seokjin barged into your apartment and started listing all the things you did wrong on your date. You’d be mortified if you hadn’t already dealt with Yoongi earlier in the evening, telling you much of the same. He’d already covered the basics of looking at your date and given you a touching pep talk about knowing your worth. You’d be double mortified if not for the fact that you’re slightly distracted.
Not even thirty seconds before Jin walked in, you’d willingly put Namjoon in a position to grope your tits and it’s been on a relentless loop that surfaces between every other word Jin has to say. Kim Namjoon. Dorky professor? Firewall enforcer? Clumsy bestie? Thorn in your goddamn side? It’s only consuming every bit of brainpower as you wordlessly nod along to Jin’s lecture about the importance of posture in showcasing one’s demeanor.
Namjoon has been sitting across the room with a plate of half-eaten food before him, growing more amused by the tale Jin spins of your disastrous behaviors. He’s blowing everything way out of proportion, but you can’t muster the energy to fight him on it, not when the gears are grinding so hard to form a solid reasoning behind your earlier actions. But every time your eyes gloss over and you replay the scene in your mind, your stomach forms knots that cause you to repeatedly cross your legs over one another. You’ve done it at least three times now and both men have definitely noticed so you’re consciously fighting the urge to repeat the action.
Jin attributes it to your fidgety nature, tying it back to the way you had squirmed under the scrutiny of your date. “Y/N, I don’t think you’re really getting it. I need you to pretend we’re on a date. Here. Namjoon, be the observer.”
“Gladly,” Namjoon replies, happily slurping up a mess of noodles and fixing his gaze on your reaction.
You don’t even bother wasting a glance on the man on the floor as Jin angles his body towards you. He folds a leg over his lap, plants an elbow on the back of the sofa and rests his cheek on his palm as he leans towards you. The famous panty-dropping smoulder makes an appearance and you can’t help but feel a bit flustered by the intensity he brings to the charade. Your shoulders raise like they might shield you from the attack of such a gorgeous face. “Tell me about yourself, Y/N.”
This is torture.
You drum your fingertips on your thighs and look down at them briefly before remembering your conversation with Yoongi. Nervous eyes tear themselves away from the stubble coming in on your kneecap, forcing you to focus on the piercing gaze of Seokjin.
“Well…” you begin, fully intending to let this play out, but freeze once your eyes land on his face. “Why do you look angry? I can’t talk to you when you look like that.”
“What do you mean? Do I really look angry to you?” Jin’s brow sinks even lower towards the bridge of his nose.
Stifling a giggle, you nod and smack your lips. “It’s good practice if I ever go on a date with grumpy cat. So cute, yet so grumpy.”
You boop him on the nose and he swats your hand away. “Are you going to tell me about yourself or continue to dishonor the memory of grumpy cat?”
A sigh passes your lips. “I don’t know what to say,” you finally admit with a wince. “My life is so boring. Like, what am I supposed to say? Hi, I’m Y/N. I work on people’s computers all day and answer boring emails and support calls. In my free time I like getting drunk and laughing at videos of cats falling off of things, playing video games with friends --most of which are men by the way, is that cool?-- and going for walks at sunset.” You pause and let him take that in. “Ooh, or should I be like every generic profile I’ve seen? I like going on adventures! Hanging with friends! Living my best life. I’m an old soul. Here for a good time, not a long time! EL OH EL hit me up on Snapchat.”
The animated nature of your features quickly fades as you slump against the cushions. “I mean and here I thought I was boring as fuck. But Chul comes along and actually proves to me that I can be topped. And not in the yummy dom way.”
Namjoon chokes on a piece of pork and smacks his chest a few times, successfully dislodging it from the back of his throat.
Jin curiously roams his eyes across your face, flickering back and forth between your eyes and lips. “Ah, so... you prefer to be the sub?”
A heat rises to your cheeks and you know answering is a trap, but the longer his question hangs in the air the more flustered you become. “Are-Are you kidding? Like I’m gonna be the sub. You know I have to control everything.”
Lies are easier to tell when they’re coated with a layer of truth, no matter how thin that layer may be.
“True.” Namjoon swallows, the remnants of his cough sputtering from his mouth.
Jin considers your answer for a moment and grins, flashing you his pearly whites. “So you dom then? What’s that like?”
The other man in the room dribbles water onto his shirt at the question. He’s about ready to give up on breathing altogether. Jin knows it, too. That’s what makes this game so much fun.
You drag your teeth across your lip, trying not to think about the implication that Jin is also not a dom. “So! Enough about me. Tell me about yourself, Jin.”
With that, Seokjin snaps his fingers and points at you. “Ding ding ding! We have a winner! People love to talk about themselves. If you’re out of ideas on what to talk about, ask your date something about himself based on whatever random information you have. Give him a chance to impress you. Take me, for example. I am the head chef at Heart & Seoul, where I give everyone a taste of my heart … and soul. Everyone who has ever tried my food says it reminds them of home. You should come by sometime. I’ll make a plate special for you, courtesy of the handsome god of cookery.”
You roll your eyes. “Well, that’s certainly a statement.”
“Ask me about my food!” he prods, nudging you with his elbow. “Don’t you want to know what kind of plate I’d make for you?”
“Jin, I already know your food is good. I don’t need to ask--”
“It’s Barbe-cute,” he blurts, clearly proud of himself.
“You’re so…” You try to finish the thought but start laughing as he breaks into his own windshield-wiper cackle. A defeated half sigh, half grumble follows the trail where your laughter leaves off. “I just feel like this is the worst part, you know? Trying to explain to people who I am and why I matter. It’s like, on one hand, I don’t care! This is awful! And I don’t have to prove anything to anyone. But then… on the other hand… What if they don’t like me? Like Chul? Chul made up his mind the moment he saw me in person. He didn’t like me and I don’t know that there’s anything I could do to change that. I feel so stupid! ‘Cause I’m like, bro, didn’t you see my photos? Didn’t you look at my profile? Like why you gotta be so judgy when we talked all day?”
The man on the couch next to you uses his large hands to anchor the wrists that you’ve unconsciously been waving around during your tirade. “Okay see, this is what I’m talking about. You need to slow down and stop waving your arms whenever you speak. Imagine you’re a sloth. Slooow motions.” He uses his grip to slowly push you back against the cushion. “Relax.”
You puff air out of your lips indignantly. “Jin, I can’t. I’m not wired like a sloth. I’m more of a...a...” You shake your head, unable to find the word you’re searching for.
“Hummingbird,” Namjoon chimes in quietly, rapidly flapping his fingers up and down to mock you.
Jin laughs at the comparison, pushing you back against the seat when you begin to rise. “Oh, little hummingbird. Sit. Stay.”
Your brow furrows and a pout stains your lips as you comply, rigid shoulders resting flush against the couch.
“Good girl,” Namjoon adds with a snicker.
Ignoring the excitement stirring in your belly at the words, you narrow your eyes at him and he clutches his heart. “Oh wow if looks could kill…”
You finally sigh, dragging your hands down your face. “Jin, I get it. I suck at everything.”
“Oh don’t start that,” he scowls, jabbing your knees with a bony finger. “You’re perfectly fine. You may be a mess but you’re actually a very adorable mess.”
“Fuck off.” You wriggle away from his touch, grimacing at the nod of agreement Namjoon sends your way. “Both of you.”
“I mean it.” Jin laughs between words. “You are a delight, Y/N. Just because you have things you need to work on doesn’t make that any less true. And I'm only telling you that you need to work on these things because you are my dear, dear friend. I want to see you succeed and live your best life." He cocks his head to one side and gives Namjoon a pointed look while you're distractedly glowering. "Especially if you're dating another mess of a human, maybe someone even worse than you. Someone has to have manners. You can't both be terrible at everything."
Jin's eyes snap back to your face as he becomes the focus of your deadpan stare. "Thanks for the pep talk.”
A hand clasps your shoulder and the weight of his arm drapes across the expanse of your back. He uses his grip as leverage to press you against his torso as he scoots closer to you. "Oh, it's okay. You just have to stop trying to knock your date out. Just try to focus on that one thing for your next one okay?”
“I kind of don’t want a next one,” you grumble, allowing your cheek to fall against his collarbone. “Not if it has to feel this bad after every time.”
Wisps of his hair tickle the side of your face as he shakes his head close to yours and tightens the hug. “You don’t give up! You can’t give up! Trust me when I say the next will be better!”
You hum a doubtful note against the fabric of his shirt and push him towards the opposite end of the couch. “If you say so.”
“I know so,” he replies matter-of-factly, catching the antsy circles the chopsticks in Namjoon’s hand are drawing in the noodles left on his plate.
Just like that he begins to feel guilty. There’s something going on here, and he can’t quite put his finger on it, but there’s no doubt in his mind that he truly walked in on something he wishes he hadn’t. They’ve all been waiting for him to make a move and now it’s possible that he’s trying. Today was a dud but one thing is certain: it would be so sad to see him lose you to a stranger because he’s too scared to elicit change. Namjoon isn’t going to outright ask him to leave, but it’s written all over his face. Maybe it’s time to let whatever developments have obviously been happening between you two continue.
With a loud sigh and stretch, Seokjin rises from the cushions and makes his way to the door. “Well, I think I’ve made my point. I should get going though. Don’t let this experience bother you too much.”
You spring from the couch and catch the door as he opens it. “I’m fine. Really.”
He shoots you a questioning look but you pull him into a quick hug that allays most of the tension within it. Namjoon unfolds his legs and stands as you exchange goodbyes with Seokjin and usher him out of your apartment with a tired smile.
The door finally closes with a dull thud. Your shoulders deflate with the air in your lungs as you turn the heavy deadbolt. Namjoon’s palms find purchase on the precipice of your shoulders, fingers dipping softly into the crevasse made by your collarbones. You melt back into his touch, throwing your head into his chest when the pleasurable chill of the massage works its way down your spine.
“You don’t have to do that. I’m not that stressed. Really,” you weakly attempt to reason with him, silently wishing he’d never stop. A moan rumbles in your throat, making your brain go numb.
“I know,” he mumbles while continuing the controlled movements of his fingertips. “Fist of Fury sounding good?”
“Mmm, I was thinking about something with more comedy.”
“Way of the Dragon then?” he suggests, gently leading you towards the couch in a slow waddle.
“Please don’t make me watch it in English,” you groan, shuffling in time with his strides. “I don’t think I can take that dub again.”
“Fine, fine. Hold up.” He offers an amused smile as he pushes you towards the sofa as he searches for the DVD in question.
The loss of his touch leaves a chill in its wake and you instinctively pull on the fuzzy blanket scrunched into the gap between cushions. You drape it across your torso and bury your arms underneath just as Namjoon pops the DVD into the xbox below the television. He mindlessly grabs a controller, flicks the lightswitch, and shoves the nearby ottoman with his foot until it’s closing in on the sofa. You react before it can hit your shins.
As he flops onto the cushion beside you, the sensation of your legs brushing against each other has you leaning towards him with a shiver. The startup screen highlights his face as you lift the blanket, offering coverage despite feeling the heat radiating from his body. You just want to feel someone next to you. Much to your surprise, he accepts the offer and huddles in, pressing your bodies close together.
Quelling the shakiness of your exhale, you reach over to grab the controller from his lap. Instead the muscles of his thighs flex as your hand drags across them. You’re already apologizing as you jump in place, retracting your hand as quickly as possible while fumbling to look for the controller. He looks down at your hand and then back up to your face, silently pursing his lips as he drops the controller into your palm.
"Sorry," you mumble again as you navigate through the menus, not daring to peek over at his face.
"Don't worry about it," he whispers, sprawling an arm over the couch cushion behind you. His fingertips lazily tap against the contour of your shoulder, wishing that the t-shirt was smaller, thinner, something that could expose more of your skin beneath the blanket.
You fail to contain the deep inhale that causes your chest to rise and slowly breathe out the nerves constricting your lungs. As you start the movie and set the controller on the armrest, you turn your head to look at him. “Hey.”
“Hey,” he parrots back at you. The warmth of his leg presses into your thigh, serving as a reminder of the wetness between yours.
“About earlier, I…” you trail off, unable to finish the statement. The needy touch-starved thoughts haven’t yet worn off and you curse your brain for letting you taint your friendship with impure thoughts of the man beside you. How could you possibly tell him that you weren’t thinking clearly before when you still want him to touch you, when your pussy clenches any time he pushes his body against you? The familiar sound of the title music fills the silence.
“Don’t worry about it,” he repeats softly. “Let’s just… watch Bruce Lee, hmm?”
His words somehow simultaneously bring you comfort and disappointment. You smile and nod, shifting your attention back to the television, though you can feel the feathery touch of his fingertips flirting with the hem of your sleeve seconds later. As you shift in your seat to relax your head against him, that same touch trails up your shoulder to brush a mess of hair from your neck before settling comfortably in the space between them. You chuckle at the old woman staring down Bruce Lee as your eyelids grow heavy. There’s no way you were even going to make it five minutes in, but you attempt it anyway.
“She lookin’ at him like a snack.” You’re relying on your thirst to keep yourself awake. “I agree.”
Namjoon snorts. “She’s looking at him like she’s gonna call the cops. Are we watching the same movie?”
“My bad. I’m self-inserting for granny,” you murmur, voice growing wearier by the syllable.
“Are you already falling asleep? We can watch it another night if you’re tired.” You can feel his eyes boring into the top of your skull as your eyelashes flutter against his chest.
“No,” you argue weakly, not bothering to lift your head to meet his gaze.
“I can feel you closing your eyes.”
“No,” you say again with a slight shake of your head that doubles as an excuse to nuzzle into the warmth of his chest.
“So if I took my phone out right now and snapped a pic, your eyes wouldn’t be closed?”
“Nope.”
“Not nice to lie,” he teases softly, smoothing the hair back from your forehead.
“Shhh, don’t talk during movies. You’re missing the part with the soups.”
He cradles your head with a scoff, resisting the urge to impart a goodnight kiss to the top of it as you obviously doze off. Your arm falls into his lap with the sound of a dull ‘pat’. Immediately his hand carefully draws yours away from the danger zone and sets it loosely over his. The gentle twitch of your digits against his palm beckon him to lace your fingers together. Butterflies wrack their way through his stomach and he soon complies, giving your hand a gentle squeeze as he does so.
Do you realize what you do to him? Probably not. Being here feels like walking a tightrope that he keeps wobbling back and forth on. But leaving would kill the adrenalin rush and leave him with nothing. He’d take the highwire any day if it meant there was a chance you could be waiting on the other side.
He’s determined to make it further into the movie, and he has every intention of nudging you awake, but not even five minutes later his eyelids droop and his neck bends back over the top cushion.
Just a few minutes. I’ll wake her up in a few minutes.
───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────
The change in volume from the end credits to the top menu of the DVD catapults you from slumber. You groan as you crane your stiff neck up towards the open-mouthed, snoring man whose warm chest you’ve been napping on. The grin creeping across your face threatens to break into a giggle, but you muzzle the sound before it can leave your throat.
The haze of sleep still clouds your mind and as your eyes travel up the dark skin that stretches up to his jaw, empty cravings for intimacy permeate the fog. Your head lolls back down and you scrunch your cheek against the base of his throat with a shaky exhale before turning towards him. You skim your lips over the muscles in his neck, shivering at the thought of pressing down. Pushing away the growing urge to suction your mouth down on his flesh, you lightly tap the side of his cheek. “Joonie.”
He groans loudly as he lifts his head off the cushion, but offers no other words of acknowledgement. Discomfort spreads across his features, brow knotting as he palms the back of his sore neck. His other hand firmly wraps itself around your knuckles, subconsciously dragging your palm across his lap as he stretches his limbs out. Heavy arms come back down and constrict you in a sleepy hug; the comfort it brings threatens to take you back into the world of slumber, but you shake off the impulse to close your eyes again.
“I’m gonna go to bed,” you announce softly against his white t-shirt, basking in the warmth of his embrace.
He peers down at you through dark, half-lidded eyes and struggles to bring a response to the forefront of his mind. You trace your fingers along the contours of his jaw, causing him to lean into your sleepy caress. Before you can register the movement, his lips graze the precipice of your forehead and your stomach lurches into a somersault at the sensation. Wait. Did he just...?
The bubble of his dream-state finally pops. Suddenly everything feels too real. His eyes widen and his heart drops, desperately wishing he could awaken from this moment panting and sweating within the confines of his bedroom. Is there a chance you’re not aware of his embarrassing mistake? He pulls back and the sharp sound of his lips smacking together awkwardly fills the room as the menu loop resets.
“Sorry,” he mumbles, abashed features straining to look anywhere else. “I’m gonna go.” He shifts uncomfortably, wriggling out from beneath your form, but your fingers reach out and curl around the solid mass of his forearm.
“Stay,” you whisper. “Please?”
You can’t fight the way your heart is pounding, desperate to feel the tickle of butterflies in your stomach at least one more time, to find your hand enveloped in his warm, comforting grasp. Deep, dark eyes settle on yours, searching for any excuse to decline such a tempting offer. When he comes up empty, you also find yourself at a loss for words and you shake your head, trying to come up with some explanation for the blurry lines you’ve been drawing all over your friendship with him.
You rationalize that it’s not crazy to find comfort in the arms of a good friend. How many times has Jennie kissed your forehead without meaning anything by it? How many times have you held hands with her and platonically snuggled up together? Is it really so different now that Namjoon is the one beside you?
Your mind flashes back to the moments leading up to Seokjin’s arrival. You were the one to guide him towards you. Your lips never touched, and you refuse to accept the fraction of your brain that screams of its disappointment. The fact that you got close enough to expose the possibility of Namjoon as a makeout partner is a thought you’re struggling to bury. That’s what makes him different. That’s what makes it difficult to let him leave.
You know it’s selfish, but there’s a shred of something that you can’t allow yourself to acknowledge. Until you fill the void of a relationship in your life, or sex at the very least, maybe this is exactly what you need. It’s harmless, really. Just a comforting snuggle buddy. It’s harmless... right? You ask yourself again, the echo of his heavy breaths fresh in your mind. The memory plays again: one hand clasps around his neck and pulls him down towards you, the other guiding him teasingly towards the lace of your bra as your noses brush against each other; it’s enough to set your cheeks on fire but not enough to retract the offer.
“Don’t leave. Please, just… Just lay with me again?” you plead quietly. Could you sound more pathetic? There’s never been a more appropriate time to wish you were built like a computer, or at least something you could flush the short term memory from, but here you are: painfully human and seeking complacency.
You keep your eyes fixed on him as you rise, his expression never falling into the expected air of pity. Shock. Confusion. Maybe even relief. But never the pity you anticipate. The television coats his features with a soft glow and your shoulders instinctively relax as his smile molds shadowed dimples along either side of his mouth. The word of affirmation that escapes him is barely audible over the sound of the tv.
The room grows dark and silent all too fast as you tap the power button on the back of the screen. Warmth radiates from his hand as it trails down your arm, finally twining itself between your fingers as he waits for you to lead the way. Of course he’s memorized the steps to your bedroom, but he’s not about to let impatience reveal the alacrity within.
It’s no trouble to navigate in the darkness and you find yourself needlessly tugging him closer. You’re quick to hide your own eagerness under the guise of fatigue, forcing a loud yawn from your mouth as you flop back into the center of the bed. He stumbles forward a bit before catching himself on the soft mattress, quietly climbing onto it as though the weight of his body will shatter its molecular structure.
Tonight the moon is blocked by the clouds in the sky, and the unusual pitch black nature of the room is a little unnerving. It’s easy to imagine shadows moving when you can’t see anything clearly. Before you can burden yourself with unnecessary anxiety, Namjoon’s palms are dipping into the mattress on either side of you, parallel to your waist. You can feel him ascending like a silent panther, closing in on his prey. Stale air hitches in your throat as he hovers above you, a delicately placed knee sinking into the space between your thighs.
The heat from his core sears shameful desire into the surface of your flesh and you attempt to close your legs. The inside of your soft thighs squeeze against the unexpected muscular mass of his, trapping him just below the wetness you’re refusing to acknowledge. It doesn’t take long for you to become keenly aware that if he leans any further up he will be wearing it and you press your legs even tighter together, despite knowing the barrier of muscle between them makes the task impossible.
Your palm reaches up to find his face, curling under his jaw to cup his chin in a playful venture to diffuse the tension in the air. It’s closer than you expect. There’s a strange relief in the realization that he can’t see the way your jaw falls open. That relief quickly dissipates when his plump lips press against the pad of your thumb, causing your sharp inhale to cut through the white noise of the fan nearby.
He laughs softly, breath hitting your skin in puffs as your fingernail scrapes against his upper lip. This position is not exactly ideal, considering the erection beginning to form in his boxers. With one leg trapped between your thighs and the other plunging into the mattress beside you, all it would take is one lazy dip of his pelvis to allow you to feel how you affect him.
“What are you doing?” You find your voice, but it sounds hoarse and foreign, and you make no effort to hide the accusation dripping from your own guilty lips.
“I…” His heart drops to his stomach. What is he doing? The more time that passes leaves the memory of you on the couch feeling increasingly surreal, like a cruel joke originating from a desperate imagination that he’s foolish enough to believe. He squeezes his eyes shut, struggling to think of something that will fix this mess. The rain pattering against the window is soothing and it tries to wash the awkwardness from the air, but it’s not enough.
Then a lightbulb goes off, and his hand is already gently bringing yours down to the mattress. His voice is even, despite the humiliation coursing through him. “I dropped your defenses.”
“You what…?” Before you can contemplate the meaning behind his words, his hand tightens around your wrist, pressing it into the soft mess of blankets beneath you with his full weight. You strain against his grip as he begins playfully jabbing at your waist with his free hand. You scrunch your hips towards your elbow as you swat fervently in the direction of his arm to no avail.
Strong, stubborn fingers poke and prod all of the sensitive spots he’d briefly had the pleasure to acquaint himself with. You do your best to keep the laughter from spilling out, but he isn’t satisfied by the restraint you’re showing. The noises he wrenched from you earlier had been so delicious and he’s desperate to pull more, so he dares to pinch his fingers at the tender crease in your skin between your thigh and hip.
You buck your hips and cry out at the sensation, the fabric of your shorts riding up just enough to grant his fingertips access to the outermost edge of your panties. His eyes roll into the back of his skull for a fraction of a second, reveling in his success. Your hand clamps down on his bicep, nails digging in hard enough to leave marks. He would be hissing and backing off if not for the delectable sound of you stammering out a slew of pleases on repeat.
Are two fingers all it takes to make you beg me? He muses, pleased with the visual he’s created for himself in the darkness. He can feel his cock poking out from the hole in his boxers, sensitive head sliding against the soft fabric of his sweatpants.
“Joonie, please! I’m gonna--” A snort escapes the back of your throat and you choke back a gross fit of giggles as his fingers twitch against the cotton fringe beneath your shorts. “It’s too much!”
Those are definitely a string of phrases he’s going to file away for later. He licks his lips before loudly smacking them, enjoying the fact that you can’t see the devilish smirk playing at the corners of his mouth. “Really? ‘Cause, uh, I don’t feel a thing.”
His thumb and forefinger pinch against your flesh in that same sensitive area, ripping another uncontrollable cackle from you. Even in the darkness, it’s easy to tell that you’ve got tears in your eyes from the way you’re pleading with him. Your clammy fingers slide along the lean muscles in his bicep, tapping him repeatedly as though a referee will appear and save you from his relentless fingers. Your head falls back and you half-bury your face into a pillow to muffle the way you’re howling beneath him.
“Please, please, please,” you beg between pained wheezes, hopelessly bucking your hips up towards his. “I’ll do anything. Please. Please. Please. Please. Namjoon...”
He does his best to avoid your frenzied thrusts, dodging to the left and right to keep his now rock hard dick from touching any part of you. But the breathless way you’re pleading and panting against the pillows has him melting, daring him to grind his aching cock on your hips. His fingers slowly drag a delicate path away from the cotton he’d been trying to build the courage to do something more bold with. They trace invisible teasing lines downward and the abs hidden beneath your soft layers of flesh finally stop contracting. This time the final laugh that escapes you trails off into a breathy moan, body flaring with desire for more contact while simultaneously fatigued from twinging and fighting against his mischievous digits. Namjoon’s form lingers above you in the darkness with your crass groan refusing to leave his eardrums.
Hot breath fans the shell of your ear, his already deep voice somehow dropping an octave lower as the gravel in his throat fights the word bubbling out from it. “Anything...?”
Why does he keep doing that? It’s driving you insane. You don’t think you’ve ever heard his voice take on this tone before tonight, even in jest, and it’s making your ears ring with how hard they’re now straining to take in more of that delicious, gruff whisper. You have no choice but to hold your breath to quiet the exhale that threatens to reveal the lust coating your thoughts.
Just as you’re certain he’s about to drop his weight onto your thigh and expose the wetness soaking through your shorts, Namjoon pulls his head back with a loud contented sigh, flopping down onto the mattress beside you. Maybe he’s just giving you a taste of your own medicine. Can you blame him after all the mixed messages you’ve been sending? You’ve been filling pretty much every conversation with sexual tension lately; it makes sense that he would try to dish some back at you.
In your defense, Tinder hasn’t exactly been the fun, liberating experience you’d been promised by the app’s promotional messaging, and your frustrations are starting to become palpable. Even your vibrator can’t keep up with the rollercoaster highs of your sex drive right now. Poor Joon is just caught in the middle of a very, very bad drought and you’ll be damned if you let your friendship become a casualty of your desire for a little rain.
Coward. The thought reverberates against his skull hard enough to make him shake his head as he props himself up on one elbow.
“Help me hook my laptop to my TV so I can watch movies on the big screen,” he says, cutting through the self-loathing. Knowing you’re glaring at him in the dark, he pauses. “What? You said anything.”
“Just get a Firestick. They make those things specifically for people like you. I don’t need your incompetent ass calling me every time you can’t get it working.”
“You always gotta be rude about everything?” he tuts. “Besides, Firestick ain’t gonna help with what I want to do.”
The conversation allows you to forget the shame dripping out of you and you flip onto your side to more comfortably counter his point. “You can get every YouTube video on the planet on that thing. Not to mention Hulu, Netflix, PrimeVideo… Like, you can get anything you want to watch at the push of a few buttons. Well, everything except…” you trail off, the gears in your head spinning fast enough to come undone.
He swallows, knowing you’re about to call him out. “I don’t need a Firestick,” he reiterates.
Your cheeks flush. Porn. Of course it’s porn. Just another thought you don’t need floating around your head: Namjoon jerkin’ it to whatever weird shit he’s into. Honestly, you’re almost afraid to touch the laptop with how much he’s probably used it for that specific purpose.
“Of course not.” You sigh as your palm pushes him back against the bed, eager to just forget the night and feel the same way you did last week. “You’re gross.”
He huffs at the accusation, even though he admits to himself you’re completely right and doesn’t audibly argue the point. He also doesn’t fight the way you force him down, resting his head against a soft pillow as the weight of yours comes down onto his chest. Instinctually, his arm reaches around you, pulling you closer with his fingers tented against the small of your back. You shiver into his t-shirt, briefly catching the scent of his deodorant before closing your eyes.
“So, that’s a no then?” he asks dejectedly, voice rumbling up through the ear you’ve got pressed to his chest.
You chuckle into him as you nuzzle your face back and forth a few times, reveling in the way it feels to be in such a comfortable position with another person, even if it is Namjoon. “I guess I can do it since you’re indulging me right now... I won’t tell if you don’t?”
His fingertips move down your back to idly play with the band of your shorts, tracing lazy lines across them. You tense, taking all the self control you currently possess to stop from grinding your hips into his thigh.
He hums in response, finally resting his hand respectfully above the fabric of the t-shirt at your waist. “Okay,” he whispers.
You lay together in silence, listening to the increased assault of raindrops at your window. Normally with the fan going like this you’d be feeling chilly and be rushing to pull a blanket over you, but with the heat coming off of him in waves, you’re feeling rather warm, almost sweaty. It feels like the breath in your lungs isn’t enough and you take in a few deep, noticeable inhales and exhales. Your heart is pounding like you just ran some kind of incredible marathon.
“Y/N… You ok?” Even sleepy, you can still hear the concern dripping from his tone.
You take in a couple more hungry breaths. It almost feels like a panic attack sneaking up on you. But why now? You’re not even doing anything worth freaking out about. Is it the stress of the day? Is it the embarrassment?
“Yeah… Just...anxiety...” you manage to pant out weakly, your chest heaving frantically for more air. “I’m sorry."
He fishes for your hand in the darkness, turning his face down towards the top of your head to plant a small, innocent kiss there. “Shhh, shhh, I got you. It’s okay. You’re okay.”
“I’m sorry,” you say again, trembling fingers gripping his with a sense of urgency, like at a moment’s notice he’ll melt away and you’ll be left alone. “Don’t leave, okay?”
He twines his steady fingers between yours. “You don’t have anything to apologize for. You’re okay. Try to breathe deeply. I’ll be right here.” He starts to inhale loudly, causing your head to rise with each deep fill of his lungs, and fall with his audible exhales.
Over the course of a few minutes, your breathing aligns with his, and you’re even holding at the same moments to help your body relax. When you seem stable, he wants to say something comforting, but simply gives your hand a gentle squeeze once he recognizes the soft snore leaving your mouth.
───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────
“Joonie, did you clean your apartment before I came over?” you’re eyeing the spotless nature of his abode suspiciously. “Since when do you not throw your shirts wherever?”
He smiles, pleased with himself as he folds his arms and crosses the room before sinking into the couch. “Since you always complain about it.”
You stare him down incredulously. “It’s just… I’m shocked. It’s so unlike you.”
“What?” He scoffs. “Are you seriously gonna complain now that my place is clean?”
“Hmph. Where’s your laptop?” you question,
He pulls it from the folds in the couch cushion sheepishly. “Hold up.” He’s opening it and typing in the password as you flop down next to him.
“If you seriously left porn on here knowing I was coming over to do this, that’s on you. Gimme. I wanna see what fucked up shit Professor Kim gets off to.”
He tries to cover the screen, but you can still see the raunchy frozen frame beneath his splayed fingers. Your eyebrows raise, taking in the sight of a nude woman’s body straddling a well-endowed man on a black leather couch. It’s tough to push back the smile fighting through your pursed lips. “Couch cowgirl, huh?”
“You know…” He fumbles to close the tab and thrusts the computer into your lap, clearly embarrassed at the thought of you seeing any of that. “I don’t stand over your shoulder judging your porn choices.”
You shake your head and scoff. “What makes you so sure I watch porn?”
“I know you,” he groans, rolling his eyes.
“I’m sorry!” You laugh, beginning to navigate to the display settings. “I’m not judging. It’s just a little more tame than I was expecting.”
“You’re judging,” he declares finitely. “And what the hell are you expecting anyway? What kind of fucked up shit are you into, hmm?”
Your face flushes and you stop typing. He laughs. “See? Just that reaction there tells me you’re one hundred times worse than me. You’re just better at hiding your search history.”
You swallow hard and snap the laptop shut. “Joon, you knew I was coming over to do this today. You had all night to clear out your embarrassing stuff. It’s not my fault you’re a dumbass.”
He starts to quietly interject. “Actually, my IQ is--”
“I don’t care what your IQ is. You’re not goading me into telling you my porn preferences. I’m just here to help you get your laptop hooked up.”
“Is that why you’ve closed it?” he asks with a smirk.
You blink at him a few times. “N-No.”
He laughs again and you can feel your face burning, knowing that he’s pridefully drinking in the sight of your mistake. “Don’t worry. You don’t need to say a thing.” He leans in, closer than you expect and begins speaking in a low, gravelly whisper that freezes you in place. “I already know what you like.”
You do your best to keep your breathing steady, but it quickly turns into a sputtering mess when he cups your chin and trails his index finger down your neck, stopping just above your breast bone. With no effort at all, he guides you down with the press of his finger until you’re laying flat on your back. He steadies himself over you with a strong arm that sinks into the cushion beside your face, effectively boxing you in as he descends.
“You like it when I take control,” he announces, an unfamiliar confidence in his husky tone. “Don’t you?”
At this point, you know your jaw is trembling as it hangs stupidly open. Every word you can think of dies on your tongue as his free hand draws a line beneath your t-shirt, up your belly and teases the lace trim around one of your breasts. You shiver as he drags his fingertips back and forth in the valley between your tits, growing more and more desperate for him to reach beneath one of the cups and take you into his hand. Chest heaving, you turn your gaze away, hoping he will spare you the embarrassment of looking into his eyes with the hunger in yours.
“Yes,” you whisper weakly, knowing he’s got you. If Jimin has been teaching him how to play Chicken, he has taken it to the next level and it’s gone past the point where you think you’re able to willfully extricate yourself from the situation.
His hand shoots up from beneath your shirt to clasp your jaw, forcing your face back into position. “Look at me when you answer.“
You let a tiny moan slip at the rough contact and your eyelids flutter for a moment before meeting his gaze. His eyes are dark and eager, pupils blown out to the size of dinner plates, perfectly set to devour you. You need it now. You need him now.
“Yes…” you whimper. His hand drops like lightning down beneath your bra, molding as much of your tit as his strong grip can manage.
“Fuck yes,” you breathe, clasping your arms around his neck and desperately bringing him down to meet your lips.
He moans into your mouth as he comes crashing down, greedily sucking the air from your lungs with every last taste he imparts. The hand that had been supporting his weight tangles itself in your hair as you buck your hips up into him, thirsty for more of whatever he’ll give you. The rocking passage of your hips causes him to mirror the motion, grinding his thigh deliciously up against your clit. You mouth falls open with the need to take in air at the sudden friction in your jeans. He uses the opportunity to slip his himself past the barrier of your teeth and deep into your mouth, gliding his tongue across the surface of your own.
While this has never been a thought that’s crossed your mind in the past, you can’t imagine not knowing his taste. And yet when you try to describe it and pin down his delectable nature, it slips away. Your lips crash harder around his, hopelessly searching for the moment that your thirst will be quenched and never finding it. You want him more than you ever thought possible, in any way possible. It’s like he’s everywhere and nowhere at the same time, flooding all of your senses with a ravenous need that refuses to fade, even as you drink him in again and again.
As he pinches a pebbled nipple between his fingers, you whine through a gasp and fight to bite at his bottom lip, sucking it through your teeth. You hold him in place long enough for him to prop himself up on the couch and move back. Like hell if you were going to let him have all the power.
“Please,” he groans through gritted teeth, sounding incredibly vulnerable. It’s like music to your ears. You drag your teeth over his lip slowly one last time before letting it snap back to him.
With an ease you’re not used to, you’re able to push him back and sit up, carefully untangling your legs and rising from the couch. He’s about to pull you back towards him when you point to the middle of the couch. “Sit there.”
His adam’s apple bobs a few times, dark hunger never leaving the spark in his eyes as he positions himself as instructed. Clasping the outside of his knees, you force them closer together as you straddle his lap. With your legs spread like this, you can smell how wet and ready your pussy is, so you know damn well that he can too. You should be embarrassed and hiding your face in shame. You should be, but you’re not.
Your fingers knot themselves in his hair as you slowly roll your hips across his lap. Your voice is low and husky, filled with messy impatience. You’re ready to fall apart at his hands if he’d let you, but first you want him to know how it feels. “Is this how you like it, Namjoon? Is this what you want?”
A sharp inhale gives you your answer, but you continue to roll your hips just above his lap, hoping to elicit an erection. He groans as he buries his face into your neck, sliding his hot tongue over a particularly sensitive area and latching himself on. You realize you’re going to buckle quickly under the ecstasy you’re not used to feeling. Feeling reckless and bold, you reach down into his sweatpants, grasping for the cock you know has to be rock solid at this point.
Your hand clumsily slides against the gray band at his waist, unable to even clutch the drawstrings in your haste. The harder you try, the more your fingers seem to tangle in them. Soon you find yourself trapped, unable to move your hands away from the gray material they’ve become encased within. Using the brunt of your shoulder, you force Namjoon off your neck and much to your horror the laughter spilling out of him becomes squeaky like a windshield wiper.
“Wooow!” Jin’s disappointed voice has you breaking out in a cold sweat, frozen as you take in the broad shoulders dressed in Namjoon’s clothes before you. “Are my eyes deceitful like you? How many times have I asked if you had feelings for him? And now I catch you like this? What do you mean, none? I’m sure I asked at least once!”
As you shake the hair from your eyes and try to break free, the horror intensifies as the man before you morphs into a giggling Hoseok.
“Tsk-tsk-tsk. Dirty girl,” he chides, bringing his arms around your neck. “How long has it been? Have you forgotten how? I can help you remember if you want.”
You shut your eyes, trying to wish the temptuous voice away, but when you open them it’s now Jungkook staring at you, cackling. “Showing him your tits wasn’t enough, noona? You want him to touch you too?”
He tuts as he leans forward, and you begin to slide from his lap, which seems to be growing larger and steeper by the second. You’re desperately trying to get your hands free so you don’t fall, but it’s no use; you can feel yourself slipping away.
“Oh, are you stuck?” His obnoxious guffaw echoes into the darkness encroaching the apartment. “Well, since I’m a nice guy, let me help you with that. I’m really good with straps.”
He stands and you feel yourself fall, but he catches you by your bound hands, causing your elbows to knock against your head. You feel about 2 feet tall in his clutches as he suspends you in the air with one hand. The other starts pulling on the tangle of gray drawstrings, causing your body to twist in his grasp. With a sharp tug, he has you completely unraveling in a dizzy haze. You clamp your eyes shut again to avoid the vertigo jeopardizing the stability of your stomach contents.
You hang in Jungkook’s grasp, his cackle reverberating through your skull as you feel a gentle breeze caressing your body. As you open your eyes and look down, you realize you’re completely naked, and as you fight against his hold, your body spins. You’re face to face with Taehyung, his eyes cold and calculating as they roam across your body, searching for imperfections. He cocks his head to the side, wearing an expression of granite as his eyes slowly, painfully ascend your exposed flesh.
He blinks at you a few times before breaking into a boxy smile. “Wow. I’m glad we kept your clothes on.”
As you recover from the sting of his words, you fight against Jungkook’s grasp and attempt to swipe at Taehyung’s gorgeous face. As he leans back, his visage morphs into Yoongi, who stands there looking perplexed by your current predicament.
“Hobi’s right. You are easy, aren’t you?” He quirks an eyebrow and turns away, his form evaporating into the darkness.
Again you fight against the man holding you in place. This time you fall, but you land softly against a couch cushion with the cheshire grin of Jimin looming over you.
“Oh, Y/N… You went home with Namjoon-hyung, hmm? I thought you liked me?” His smile quickly falls into a rare scowl, all traces of mirth absent in his stone gaze. The jealous venom biting in his tone causes you to wince. “It’s fine. I have better options.”
“I know,” you whisper, closing your eyes and allowing the tears to fall, attempting to descend further into the cushion.
Your body congeals into the cushion, slowly melting through it and sending you hurling into the darkness. Your knees hit a hard surface with a loud crack, but it doesn’t hurt. Nothing hurts like the words in your head. You know they’re right.
A spotlight appears over you, drawing attention to your lack of clothing and you clutch your knees to your chest to cover yourself as best you can. As you look around for an exit, you notice a mirror running along the wall behind you, taller than you can even fathom. Quick to disregard the sight of yourself, you turn around and there’s another one waiting ahead of you. Glancing around the room again yields dozens and dozens of mirrors in every direction. There’s nowhere you can even pretend to hide.
So you stand, tears stinging your eyes from the heartbreak of the truths you keep telling yourself. You shuffle over to the nearest mirror, feeling like your feet are sinking into sand and unable to fully rise with each step. Your reflection stares back at you: tired, cold, tear-stricken. You exhale and shove at the glass, unhappy with the person you see staring back at you. Instead of shattering or at least cracking like you expect, the glass bends in and bounces back, forcefully sending you into the mirror behind you. Your back lands against the hard surface and you slide down, allowing yourself to just sit and cry.
As you hug your knees close to your chest again, a fuzzy warmth envelops you. Clutching at the soft blanket that covers your body, you look up to see Namjoon’s dimpled smile starting back at you. He lowers himself to his knees and embraces you from behind, arms cradling you, lulling you into a place of comfort. It’s only when you stare ahead again that you can see the smile now gracing your own features.
He always finds a way to help, doesn’t he? With a contented sigh, you turn your body to gently bring your lips to meet his. The warmth of his body floods yours once more.
───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────
You awaken to your lips pressed against something hard. Your eyelids flutter a few times and you can just barely make out the shape of Namjoon’s arm pressing into your cheek. You must have rolled away from him in your sleep. Thank God. The sweat that trickles down your neck somehow runs cold and you shiver, tugging at the blanket covering your shoulders that was definitely not there when you closed your eyes. With a few deep breaths, you attempt to calm your heartbeat. You’re in your room. None of that was real. You’re safe.
Gently wiping your saliva from his forearm, you carefully shift your weight and turn your body to face him. Thankfully, he appears to still be sleeping, half tucked beneath the same blanket. What do you know? Even the human heater must get chilly sometimes.
Your heart still pounds wildly against your ribcage; it’s so loud that you’re almost afraid the sound will rouse him from slumber, but he lays peacefully beside you. There’s a hint of moonlight breaking through the clouds, and it casts just enough light to illustrate how angelic his features look while reposed. With the dream still fresh in your mind, you feel the need to reach out and make sure this is real.
Your hand gently glides through his hair before cupping his cheek and stroking it with your thumb. You catch yourself wondering how you might explain the action, should he awaken at this moment. For now, all that matters is the tranquility the subtle movement provides; it coaxes you into security. As your heartbeat calms, you rest your head on his chest. There’s a dull thumping that you can feel beneath your palm and you swear time stills as you lose yourself in its soothing cadence.
───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────
Sunshine can’t seem to clear the clouds enough to illuminate the room. It still feels like it could be too early to rise, but the sound of birds chirping over the soft patter of rain lets you know that it’s later than you might believe. You blink a few times, irritated that you’re rising at all on a Saturday morning when you could be sleeping the day away. It’s not like you have anything planned. As you stretch your spine straight up, a pair of lean, muscular arms constrict your chest and waist, lazily pulling you back into a prime spooning position.
You lightly massage the pair of forearms pinning you in place with oblivious fingertips. That’s right. Joonie’s still here.
He’s careful to keep your form from his pelvis, knowing that it wouldn’t take much for you to feel the stiff bulge tucked into the band of his sweatpants. Whatever alternate dimension he’d stumbled into last night had given plenty of fuel for his fantasies: your moans, your touch, and kiss you had nearly shared.
But with the gray fragments of daybreak twinkling through the blinds, reality has to kick in at some point. He knows there’s no way you would pass up the opportunity to make fun of him should you feel even the tip at your back. Now’s not the time to tempt the luck of the universe, not when he has you like this.
You do your best to ignore the blush creeping across your cheeks as you settle in, lacing your fingers with a firm squeeze to his. He lifts his head and sleepily sets it in the crook of your neck, hot breath fanning the surface of your skin and giving you new chills with each exhale. "Morning, Geeksquad."
You hum in response, leaning back into the sensation. He breathes deeply, taking in the subtle mingling scents that linger on your form: the hint of lilac conditioner in your hair, the traces of moisturizer on your skin, the remnants of perfume spritzed some time ago, and the fragrance he can’t place as anything other than “you.” He could stay here for hours just breathing you in, trying to figure it out, but any description would fall short of capturing its perfection.
The tickle of his breath at your neck causes to you shake your head against the pillow a few times, attempting to hide the smile curling the corners of your mouth. You’re content with the scene staying as it is and you’re almost relaxed enough to drift back to sleep when the ceiling above you allows the first long creak to break through the quiet of your bedroom. Then another. And another. Soon there’s a steady familiar squeaking of the bed frame in the apartment above. An awkward silence falls between you both, but quickly fills with a rhythmic squeaking.
It was too much to hope that the noisy neighbors could put off their sexcapades until you weren’t in a compromising position with a friend. You side-eye the light fixture above you as it rattles in time with the sound of the headboard now hitting the wall. You know from experience that the noises will dull in time, but it doesn’t make right now any better.
Just as you’re about to say something, there’s a slew of loud “yes”es that cut through the room. Not daring to look back at Namjoon now, you scrunch your face into a grimace and silently pray for the bed to fall through the ceiling and crush you. Neither of you are willing to say anything, either embarrassed or enthralled by the lewd visions plaguing you as a result of the sounds above.
While you can't recall the most recent dream to grace your subconscious, an encore of the previous one pervades your thoughts. The image of Namjoon feeling you up as you make out like a couple of horny teenagers has you squeezing your thighs together and tensing your body against him.
Desire charts a course from your brain straight down to your pussy, the noises descending from the ceiling only serving to heighten the fantasy. The thought of him cupping your tits and pulling you back into his chest creeps into your mind with every second you spend tucked beneath his arms.
You bite your lip and stretch again, this time purposefully nudging your ass into him with a forced yawn. Even through a heavy knit layer of cotton, you feel the hard shape that butts up against you. A soft, sleepy groan croaks out from the base of his throat, which only allows the perverse reverie to further take over.
Dropping his forehead against you, a heavy, tight-lipped grumble sends vibrations up your neck. This, combined with the creaking bed frame and muffled moans from above, sends a hot, prickly wave of adrenaline surging through you. A restrained puff of air forces its way through his nostrils as his nose sweeps against the sensitive spot at the base of your neck.
Your pussy clenches at the sound of his weakness, like the gravitational pull of your soaking cunt can draw in his cock if those muscles deep inside can contract hard enough. You're hyper aware of the way your shorts are riding up, removing that extra barrier between you both, but you're too worked up at this point to care.
You reach back, wordlessly carding your fingers through his hair. The action elicits another faint moan into the flesh of your neck, sending the high of your adrenalin to new heights. Silent, jagged breaths wrack the outline of your chest as he tightens his arm's hold on your waist.
He makes a fist to keep himself from grabbing your hips, knuckles trembling against your belly and clearly struggling to keep things PG. But you're not having it, not after the dreams that have plagued you and the filthy things running through your mind. Hoping to lure another lewd sound from him, you wiggle your hips and shimmy your shoulders to provide the cover that perhaps you're trying to get comfortable. His fist opens and desperate fingers sink into the flesh beneath your t-shirt.
It's not a request, but a harsh demand in the form of a whisper against the shell of your ear that leaves you absolutely quaking beneath him. "You don't want to keep doing that."
The subdued whimper crawling up your throat nearly dies behind pursed lips before transforming into a pleased hum. Your hips seem to have a mind of their own, rising to challenge what may or may not be a bluff, and slowly grind back into the erection firmly planted at your backside. You're too enticed by the possibility of a gratifying answer to stop the word falling from your mouth. "Why?"
That definitely came out brattier than intended. A swarm of angry butterflies pump their way through your system. Their fluttering clogs the path to your brain that tends to lean towards subtlety. Dull fingernails dig into the skin at your hip and shoulder tight enough to leave marks. His hips thrust forward for the first time, slowly dragging the mass of his cock up your ass and then back down in delicious, languid strokes.
You hold back the moan building in your throat and a sharp sigh chokes its way past your lips instead. The subsequent needy, ragged inhales fill the space around you. Your back arches while your hips remain in place, causing your chest to rise as you knot your fingers in his hair. When you throw your head back and close your eyes, he bites his lip to quell the urge to pepper kisses along your exposed neck. His restraint is admirable, but the toll it takes on him is palpable at this point.
“I think you know why,” he accuses in a low whisper, dropping his forehead against you again and halting the stroke of his hips.
“I won’t tell… if you don’t,” you promise, your chest about ready to cave in on itself from the amount of pressure his arm is now squeezing into it.
Feeling brave, you offer one more subtle roll of your hips, tempting him to follow the provocative pattern. Now he’s the one who tenses. He’s still, holding his breath for just a moment in disbelief as the dull sound of the lovers above cut through the air. Then you feel the sliding of his palm across your abdomen and a greedy exhale at your ear. Fingers dig into your flesh, holding you in place as he answers your unspoken question with gentle rock of his hips. You respond with hungry need, clasping your hands over both of his as the rhythm of your bodies begin to sync.
He lets you lead the campaign to your mutual destruction. If this is hell then he’s happy to be the fiery tide at the back of a devil disguised as a moon goddess. His hips ebb and flow against whatever pace you set as you listen to the lovers upstairs and soon you find yourself wishing for more. You feel as though at any given moment his cock is going to spring free and rub against the meat of your ass-- and you're ashamed to admit that you couldn't be more turned on by the thought.
His fingers start to tease the band of your shorts as he rocks himself against your ass, savoring the way you’re panting. He slows his pace without realizing as he drifts into his own fucked-out daydream. It becomes clear you’re at his mercy when you whimper his name at his unintentionally lazy thrusts. The tides have turned.
You’re definitely about to say something you might regret --as if you didn’t have enough of that going on already. Your dripping cunt urges you to beg, to plead with him to go farther. You’ll set up as much porn on his TV as he wants. But right now, you want to be touched so badly you feel like you’re going to explode. “Please.”
What he wouldn’t give to hear you say that again. He hooks a finger beneath the fabric at your waist and dips his tongue out to wet his lips, which deliberately skims your neck. This time you moan and he finds himself echoing the sentiment as he decides he’s going to take his time with you and pull out as many “please”s as you’ll give him.
You jump when your cellphone’s ringtone cuts through the room. He holds back the sob building in his throat, leaving only choked air in its wake. It’s suddenly clear to you that the only other sounds in the room are both of your labored breaths. You strain to reach out towards the nightstand and Namjoon’s arms reluctantly give way to your movement. He immediately rolls onto his back and stares at the ceiling in disbelief as you fumble to swipe at the screen.
“Why do you do this to me?” he whispers to himself, and rolls away from you to contemplate the meaning of life.
“H-Hello?”
“What uuuuup, bitch." Jennie’s voice is loud and carries through the receiver even though the volume isn’t at its highest setting.
You wince, trying to shake the lingering nerves from your voice. “Heeeeey, Jennie.” You stumble through a few incoherent syllables. “A-Are you back?”
“You sound guilty. What are you doing?”
“I wasn’t doing anything, Jennie,” you scoff.
“Doesn’t sound like it. Oh, did you go have a rebound bang after that shitty date yesterday?” she asks excitedly.
“What? No! I was just minding my own business. Relaxing.” You swallow, sparing a glance at Namjoon. “Alone.”
He raises his eyebrows at you and your roll your eyes, mouthing the word ‘what.’
“Okay, okay! I got it. I don’t need to hear about how great your vibrator is again. I get actual sex from actual real people, Y/N.”
Your mouth falls open and you cringe at her statement, tearing your eyes off of Namjoon’s giggling form. He folds his arm over his face to hide his laughter, but from the corner of your eye you can still see his body convulsing.
“You know what!” You shriek, rising from the bed and scurrying out of the room as fast as possible. “I don’t need this. Is there a reason you called?”
“Obviously you don’t check your email. I’m on my way back but Taehyung stopped by and asked me to retouch those photos he took.”
“Taehyung drove all the way there to ask you that?”
“He was apparently out this way for a gallery or something. I don’t know. He stopped by with a flash drive and asked me to work my magic aaaand ta-daaa. Well. Open your email. It works better if you can actually see what I’m ta-daing about.”
You swallow, putting her on speaker as you open the mail icon on your phone. Sure enough, there’s an email from Jennie with several attachments. Your eyes skim along the text in the body of the email and settle on the photos below. Holy shit.
“Well? What do you think? Pretty good right? I mean I haven’t touched them all but Tae and I picked out what we thought were the best of the best for your profile. He liked the artsier looking ones, but I said hey man, sex sells. And it does, Y/N. So sell that shit. Put em up, get some matches! Oh and don’t worry I didn’t use any liquify shit to make you look thinner or anything. I just focused on accentuating your natural beauty and fixing the lighting with some adjustments to levels and curves, maybe a few color balance filters. Honestly though, Tae knows what he’s doing with a camera and I didn’t have to do much for most of them. Some cropping and smoothing out wrinkles in the backdrop to make it look more like a real beach. Adding some plants in places for dimension.”
You stand there staring at the photos, quietly taking in just how gorgeous the pair have made you look in each one. “Honestly they look so good. But this is so much work for my stupid profile,” you mumble as you scroll through, admiring the images that you still can’t believe are you.
“Y/N, sweetie. I love you. You’re a catch and I can’t wait to see you find the person who will appreciate and love you even half as much as I do. But you need to get laid. Badly. Right now you’d probably fuck anything that moves. I wouldn’t be surprised if you told me you banged that meathead Jungkook. Even though we both know he’s a fuckboy. Totally pump-and-dump type. One hundred percent not boyfriend material. Not even worth the trouble of a fuck, honestly. But you know we on about those arms… I’m pretty sure he’s the only person we know that could actually do your fantasy of being fucked against a wall and, like, not even be tired from holding you up...” she trails off, lost in her own thoughts.
The words don’t embarrass you, even if Namjoon can hear them; you’re too distracted to find yourself even remotely fazed. You’re too lost in the work they’ve presented here, too shocked to say much of anything because of how excellent a job they’ve done. Can this really be you? Is this what you look like on a good day?
Namjoon listens in, taking this opportunity to inspect his own arms. He flexes the scrawny muscle in his bicep, trying to will it to grow bigger with a glare. His head snaps up. Your fantasy. She said ‘your fantasy.’ Is that really what you like?
He looks back down at his muscles, entertaining the possibility of such a scenario. It seems challenging, but not impossible, considering he’d half-carried you up three flights of stairs not too long ago. Then again, that’s a little different than holding someone up while thrusting into them and not giving a sloppy performance. What a fucking thought. Restraining the urge to palm himself over his sweats, he brings a curled finger to his lips in contemplation while eavesdropping on the rest of the conversation you don’t seem interested in hiding.
“And because you fucking suck at selling yourself, this is the easiest way to you get there. You get the sex out of your system and then you find mister right --or misses right; I don’t judge!”
You sigh, knowing she’s the one with experience. Jennie has a new prospect every week, but she knows how to utilize others’ infatuation to her advantage, get what she wants, and discard them as she sees fit. And she does it so effortlessly that you can’t help but envy her. She would know better than you could ever hope to.
“Thank you, Jennie. Really. I-I’m so grateful. Just… thank you. I’ll put these up and see if I get any hits.”
“Don’t get sappy on me, Y/N. It’s no big deal. Dudes are gonna be lining up to get in that pussy, babe. Don’t even worry ‘bout it, ‘kay? Love you bitch.”
“Love you…” The call ends and you wander thoughtlessly back into the bedroom.
Namjoon’s shit eating grin says everything that he doesn’t, but you settle into bed beside him and choose to ignore the look he’s giving you in favor of scrolling through the images again, completely disregarding the way you two were previously dry-humping to the sounds of your neighbors going at it. Namjoon’s frustrated sigh lets you know he hasn’t forgotten.
“Apparently Taehyung and Jennie worked on these together,” you say, pulling up the first one to show him. “Do you…” You hesitate, suddenly feeling shy and you nervously on your earlobe. “Do you think this is okay? Like am I lying to people if I put these up? I feel like they’re too good. I feel like they’ll expect this all the time and I don’t think that’s really fair.”
Namjoon’s eyes soften as he takes the phone from your palm. He licks his lips as he scans the details in the photo: the curve of your smile, the sweetness in your eyes, the way your head coyly rests upon your shoulder. You’re beautiful, as always. Makeup doesn’t really change that. But your smile radiates positivity and light in this particular instance; you’re practically glowing.
You twiddle your fingers together as you wait for the verdict, unable to read his stoic expression. “Well?”
His eyes roam from your face down to the photo a few times and he cracks a smile. “I think you need to stop worrying. I don’t see a difference.”
Your eyebrows furrow. “Don’t you think I look too… good there?”
He mirrors your confused expression. “I think you look as good as you always do.” He catches himself when your confusion turns into bashfulness. “You know, for a nerd.”
You scoff and roll your eyes at the short lived compliment before propping your head up on his chest. Your finger pokes the screen, swiping across the images one by one and taking some time to review them with him. Not a single insult passes his lips. There’s nothing but praise spilling from him, finding something unique and genuine to compliment you on with each photo. He must sense your insecurity because he pauses each time and reminds you that he’s not being paid to say nice things. You silently thank him for at least trying to build you up. Surprisingly, it helps.
“I guess I’m using them then,” you sigh in defeat, rolling away from him as you take the phone back. You’re already downloading the photos so you can set them to your profile.
Namjoon rises at the opportunity, suddenly feeling sick to his stomach at the thought of you actually finding someone. Because Jennie is right. With photos that actually do your beauty justice, people will be flocking to you in droves. It seems too real now that you’re eagerly putting them on there. “Tinder won’t know what hit ‘em,” he says dejectedly.
You’re too distracted to properly catch the disappointment in his tone. “I hope so.”
“Hey... I’m gonna go, Geeksquad. I just remembered I made plans with some of the guys and I want to make sure I run all my errands ahead of time.”
You hum a note of approval and almost miss the way his face twists in anxiety because as you look up, he transforms his stress into a soft smile. Still, you see just enough to know you’re being a rude bitch right now and it’s bothering him.
“I’m sorry.” You drop the phone and cross the room, pulling him into a tight embrace. “Thank you for staying with me, Joonie. I… really appreciate you. I’m a mess and you always take care of me. So thank you. For real.”
“I know, Geeksquad.” He strokes your head a couple times before taking a few steps back. It hurts too much to say what’s on his mind.
“And, um… before Jennie called I…” You lock eyes and you mouth the words you wish to say, but they don’t come as you want them to, “just got caught in the moment. I’m sorry.”
He blinks at you a few times before vigorously nodding. “Yeah.” He clears his throat after hearing the crack in his own voice, bringing it a few octaves deeper to protect his ego. “Yeah, uh, me too. Don’t even worry about it, okay? I’ll, uh, I’ll text you when I know what we’re doing.”
You nod enthusiastically, a grin spreading across your face. “Okay!”
With that, he disappears and you hear the unlocking of your door and the soft click when it closes behind him. Picking your phone up from the bed, you struggle with setting the order of the photos. You save and resave different combinations for about 10 minutes until a notification blocks your screen. You’ve got a match.
#moonchildnetwork#namjoon smut#namjoon x reader#bts smut#namjoon fanfic#namjoon fic#bangtan seonyeondan#bangtan boys#namjoon au#namjoon x you#bts scenario#bts imagine#namjoon imagine#namjoon#kim namjoon#bts fanfic#bts fanfiction#namjoon fanfiction#bts au#bts fluff#bts angst#friends to lovers
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Tip Toes
Summary: I’m on my tip toes, trying to see past my ego. Reaching for something more than this feeling of being important. Leaving my heart behind is bleeding, but my pride is screaming. My future will listen to me, listen to me.
Warning: I wanted to write angst, but this came out. IDK how to label it. Listen to tip toes by half alive while reading. issa long one
Y/n had not dated much. Actually, she did not start looking for a relationship until her freshman year of college. By then there weren’t many people she talked to and considered a friend; therefore, the idea of dating someone, being close to someone that was not her friend, did not pique her interest. Around the time she met Brendon and Sarah, she had lost all hope in a romantic relationship. It almost seemed too good to be true, a truly happy relationship seemed unattainable.
This feeling came in waves, making her feel nauseous like she was on a boat in a hurricane. It became truly difficult to accept a happy reality that ended in kids of her own and a husband or wife, but she knew it was just about impossible. Her best friends were a married couple and a gay man (who was also in a happy relationship), they always rooted for her. But they didn’t understand, she was a twenty-something-year-old who had no idea how to even kiss someone. Everyone always told her (especially her friends) that it was admirable that she held out for so long like she was waiting for the right person or something.
In other words, y/n would describe herself as the biggest virgin on earth, and it genuinely was from a lack of trying.
It almost felt as if her own future didn’t belong to her.
Some days were better than others, just like the day Sarah asked her to come to hang out at her house. y/n had just gotten done with finals, so she had basically a month of sitting around and waiting for the Spring semester to finally start. Sarah and Brendon cuddled on the couch, y/n on the chair in the corner of the room actually watching the movie and trying to not pay attention to the couple that was no doubt finger banging each other under the blanket they shared.
“I think I should go,” y/n said, “I have to work in the morning so I can’t stay up too late.” She stretched her arms and legs when she got up from the chair. Sarah seemed to be frightened out of a daze when she looked up at her friend.
“Oh, okay!” Sarah chirped, pushing Brendon away from her, “Do you want me to walk you out?”
y/n shook her head, “no thanks, I’m fine.”
“Well… I’ll see you later?” Sarah asked. Y/n didn’t really want to. It wasn’t that she didn’t like hanging out with them, they always made her feel lonely. And sad. But mostly lonely.
“I don’t know, I have a busy week at the hospital; I will text you when I get time,” y/n said before bidding the couple goodbye and leaving the house.
Sarah looked at her husband, who had gotten entranced by the movie in the five minutes since he was trying to sneak his hand into her pants. “You are such an idiot.”
“What did I do?”
-
Y/n got home that night very confused about her feelings. Her brain was spiraling out of control with delusions of being married and having someone who would dote on her the same way Brendon did Sarah. At the same time, she never really paid attention to them behind the scenes, so maybe they’re dysfunctional and she never saw it.
That didn’t make sense, if she knew one thing about the couple, it was that they talked about everything. And Sarah told her everything, every fight they had, Sarah would go to y/n’s apartment and sit until Brendon sulked his way over.
Every time she thought about the couple, she got a weird sensation of butterflies in her stomach.
No, she thought, I am not developing a stupid crush just because I’m sad and lonely.
That night she couldn’t sleep; it didn’t help that she knew she did have work in the morning and the hospital was unforgiving when the lab techs were late. By the time she finally stopped swimming in her thoughts, she had dreams of her friends, holding her hand and kissing her on the forehead.
It was 6 AM before she knew it, and she had to get up and get ready for work.
Hopefully, tea would help wake her up before she got to work and did a piss poor job.
-
Y/n had never been more appreciative of the hospital. She had fond memories of staying there, almost dying, meeting so many different doctors that she just didn’t have it in her to leave.
Sarcasm, that was the key to understanding her outlook on life. Constant use of sarcasm.
But she would be lying if she said that today, and every day for the past week, she was so glad they had a week full of emergencies and a trip planned for a conference with Lab Technologists across the country. This trip would take her to Boston and all she could think of was the idea of seeing every museum she could for one full week and going to a conference full of people who had a thorough understanding of microbiology and hematology. It was almost enough to make her come in her jeans.
What she did not appreciate, was Brendon coming to visit her while she was supposed to be working. She had just gotten a lab sample to test for any drug she could when Brendon waltzed in with In N Out in his hand. He greeted her with a hug and handed her the bag.
“Sarah is at work,” he sighed, “she doesn’t get a lunch today because she’s busy or something, so I thought I’d visit my bestie.” She was too distracted to notice what he was saying. Brendon tried to call her name, the third time she snapped.
“What do you want?” she half yelled, looking away from her specimen.
Brendon looked taken aback; he didn’t even know how to reply when he has never seen her so angry before. Her coworker, a younger man by the name of Jeremy Ren, looked up from his microscope and stepped over to her area.
“L/n, you go take your lunch break, I’ll take care of this shotgun,” he took the test tubes and brought them back to his microscope with him, still eyeing the two.
She scoffed and stomped out, ditching her lab coat at the door. She led Brendon to the hospital cafeteria and sat down with him in the corner.
“What’s wrong? You usually aren’t so…” Brendon trailed off, “Are you still being overworked? Have you talked to your boss about time off?”
Y/n shook her head, “I’m just… fine, I’m fine.” Internally, she cringed. If she talked to him about it, maybe she could resolve the war she had inevitably put herself into.
But the idea of not telling him anything was far more appealing. Nothing had to change.
“Are you sure? You look tired, have you been sleeping?” He reached over and grabbed her hand, tracing his thumb over her knuckles.
God, Brendon, she thought, Stop being so caring, it’s not helping my situation. She pulled her hand away and tucked it under her pants. This couldn’t happen. She did everything she could to give herself a reason not to develop a stupid crush on the man in front of her. She could only come up with two.
1. He’s married to her best friend
2. He definitely wouldn’t see her the same way
Number two made her heart bleed. Not literally, she knew the severity of an actual bleeding heart, she worked in a hospital for Christ’s sake. But if she were to imagine the pain, this would be it.
“I’m just… excited for this trip to Boston next week,” she confessed. It wasn’t a lie by any means, she stayed up all night a month ago when she heard she was going on the trip, planning what she wanted to pack. This didn’t change the stare he had on the table where her hand used to be, and his hand still sat.
“Oh, that is coming up, isn’t it?” he put a smile on his face, trying to quickly recover from whatever feeling he felt. “I’m sorry, I’m a bit off today. We haven’t seen you all week, we miss you at the house.”
She frowned. There was an impulsive need in her to put her hand back and comfort him. But she knew she shouldn’t do it because she knew it would only make her feel worse.
“I’ve been busy with work, had a lot of emergencies and stuff,” she explained, “I’m free this weekend, I’ll try to come over before I leave for the airport on Sunday.” That was not what she wanted to say, why did she say that?
“Sounds like a plan!” he seemed happy with that suggestion though, so maybe she didn’t have anything to worry about. “How has your week been, then? What kinda emergencies did you get?”
She and Brendon talked for a while, she told him about the guy who came in with necrotic tissue on his arm from heroin, and he told her about his charity live stream and how proud he was of everyone who donated.
Watching him so happy as he explained what happened, she felt herself swooning. They sat in silence for a few moments after he finished speaking, both focused on eating their food. One of the surgical nurses walked passed them with a smile on her face.
“Y/n, I didn’t know you had a boyfriend!” Brendon smirked and opened his mouth to explain that they weren’t a couple, but the nurse continued on, “you’re always going on about how lonely you are! It’s nice to see you’re finally getting out there.” Y/n’s eyes were wide, and a blush crept across her cheeks.
“Uh… thank you, Andrea,” she said with a shaky voice.
“So proud of you, my dear,” Andrea smiled brightly t the two before she walked away, bidding them goodbye.
“You’re lonely?” Brendon asked when Andrea was out of earshot.
y/n couldn’t speak as she stared at her fries, the only response she gave was a small nod.
“Why are you lonely? You never date… or expressed a desire… to date.” Damn you, Sarah, she thought, that was supposed to be a secret.
“well… lately, it’s been a bit different,” she sighed, “I’m almost 30, I’ve never been on a real date or…. Done anything, really. I thought I’d at least have a boyfriend by now.” That was easier to get off her chest than she thought.
“You’ve never done anything? Not even like… a kiss?” Brendon knew he was badgering her now, but this was so unbelievable to him. She was so smart and beautiful; how could anyone look passed her?
She shook her head, eyes still on the fries that were no longer steamy, “Can we drop it please?”
Brendon took in the shakiness to her tone and decided to drop it like she asked. This topic would definitely come up later with Sarah, though. He had so many more questions.
When they parted ways after lunch, Brendon couldn’t hold back a smile as he leaned down to kiss her on the cheek. She blushed harder than she had at lunch when she said bye to him. No one, besides her parents and grandparents, had ever kissed her on the cheek.
She kind of liked it.
-
Sarah told Brendon everything he wanted to know. She didn’t know why, at first, but he explained what happened during lunch.
“But you can’t badger her or make her feel bad,” Sarah emphasized, “She always felt self-conscious about it, even after we became friends.” Brendon understood, even though he never had to deal with stuff like that. He had lost his virginity early on, and everything just came naturally after that.
“I would never.”
-
“So, what’s with you never dating anyone?” He had promised not to pry, but now it was late at night in y/n’s apartment and he had more than a few drinks in his system. Sue him, he wanted to hang out and she brought out the wine.
“I just… don’t do it?” y/n had a few drinks in her too, the wine was making her feel like being truthful. If she were sober, she wouldn’t be telling hi anything, but maybe she needed to get it off her chest? Drunk y/n thought so, anyway. “I didn’t get my first boyfriend until my freshman year of college, and before that, I only had minor flings with girls from my school. I don’t know, dating always makes me anxious.”
“And you’ve never done anything?” He knew her answer already. This was beginning to get repetitive and even drunk y/n was fed up with it.
“Why do you keep asking that?”
“Because it’s… it’s so rare! You’re like a unicorn!” he laughed at his comparison. She shook her head, she felt kind of offended, but she knew what he was saying. He hadn’t meant it to be an insult at all, he was kind of proud of her, even with pressures that a woman date and be married by her age, she didn’t feel that. She was unabashedly herself.
He didn’t know what came over him when he opened his mouth next, “I mean, I can always help you.”
y/n looked into his eyes, and she swore that if she were a meme, she would have question marks floating around her head. “What?”
“I mean if you ever want your first kiss… or something else… I can always help you,” he didn’t know why he was saying it, but he couldn’t help but offer. The offer was outlandish, yes, but he knew Sarah would be alright with it. She had mentioned before how much she liked y/n, in a more than platonic way.
Before this whole topic came up, Brendon was planning on asking her to be their third, if she wanted to be. However, she told him she hadn’t dated someone very seriously.
“But… wh- h- Sarah?” y/n was blushing, her face and ears were bright red. This was not how she expected this to go.
“She would want to do the same thing, she has a thing for you,” drunk Brendon was an honest Brendon, apparently, “was gonna ask you if you wanted to go on a date with us the other day but obviously I didn’t.”
Y/n didn’t know what to say. Like, of course, he had to do this when she was drunk and couldn’t very well keep her thoughts to herself.
“Um…. Are you asking me now if I want to go on a date with you and Sarah?” y/n asked.
“Well, that wasn’t my first question,” Brendon leaned closer, and cupped her face with his left hand, “Tell me to stop if you want me to stop.” He continued leaning in, slowly but surely. He waited for her to protest; when she didn’t say anything, he finally connected their lips. If he were to compare all of his other kisses to the one right then, she wouldn’t be the worst. She was inexperienced, but her lips were soft and tasted like peppermint from her seasonal chapstick.
When she pulled away, he almost chased after her.
For the rest of the night, he explained the logistics of kissing, and eventually, they both fell asleep on the couch after he went on the the longest tangent on what kind of guitar he would get now that his “cream dream" was gone.
-
She left for Boston after saying goodbye to Brendon or Sarah. She had also talked to Robert (her other best friend) the day before the trip; he yelled at her for not telling him right away about everything that had been happening. To be genuinely honest, she needed this vacation after her night with Brendon.
It was a relief when Brendon left in the morning after they had kissed. The memory of her first kiss still burned in the back of her mind, but she didn’t want to focus on that. Right now, it was her time to relax.
That was until Brendon texted her asking what hotel she was at. She told him, just assuming he wanted to make sure she got there safe. Why would she think anything else?
She should have thought of something else. Now she was sitting in her room, scrolling through the TV when she heard the knock at the door.
He didn’t, she thought, please tell me he didn’t.
She opened the door and saw the couple standing in front of her with giant smiles on their faces.
He did.
“what are you doing here?” she said instead of greeting them.
Sarah let herself in, “we wanted to surprise you! You’ve wanted this vacation for a while, and we thought you’d want company!”
She really didn’t want company, but she put a smile on her face anyway.
-
After spending the whole week with Brendon and Sarah, y/n was exhausted. She only got a real break from the two when she was at the conference. They had both wished her luck that morning and went back to giggling under the blankets of their shared bed.
Now she was back in Los Angeles, and she was so fucking happy to go back to normal.
However, they didn’t necessarily go back to normal. Brendon spent a lot more time at her apartment than he used to. He started to initiate cuddling, press kisses to her cheek and hairline, and hugging her more than he used to. She started to see more of Sarah, as well. She did it more subtly. She bought y/n drinks and take her to fancy restaurants, surprises her with jewelry and takes her shopping, anything really.
All y/n wanted was for one of them to say something.
And when she least expected it, Brendon did.
“Have you ever wanted to lose your virginity?” Brendon asked during a movie one day. y/n shrugged, she couldn’t say she was surprised, she knew he would ask eventually.
“I guess,” she sighed, “its just not something I really let myself think about. I never thought anyone would… y’ know, want to. And I’m 28, no one wants to date a virgin at my age.”
“Don’t say that,” he took her hand in his. Recently, it had been his sign of comfort to lace his fingers with hers and rub his thumb along the back, “I already told you, me and Sarah love you…”
y/n couldn’t look up at him, she only stared at her fingers. She didn’t say anything, either.
“you never answered, you know,” he whispered, “let us take you on one date. A fancy restaurant, or a movie, whatever makes you least anxious.”
y/n shook her head. The feeling of drowning, even before saying yes, was obvious. She felt like she couldn’t breathe and had to remind herself how to focus on the feeling of his hand in hers.
“or, we can keep it low key, not label it… just the three of us?”
“um… okay..” y/n thought, “no labeling, just… just us. Let’s go see the new Jumanji.”
“That sounds perfect,” Brendon smiled down at y/n.
Maybe her future did belong to her.
#brendon urie fanfiction#brendon urie#brendon urie imagine#brendon urie x reader#sarah urie x reader#sarah urie imagine
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Okay I have to vent. Please someone talk to me about this movie. I just...
I have no idea what this movie was. This was like, ten ideas thrown in a hat and just shuffled around. This was...the same guy who did TFA? Really? This post is so long and has spoilers so I’ll just put it under the cut...
I have too much to say about Reylo so I’m going to keep that separate. So...
The PACE OMG MY NECK IS BROKEN. This movie needed to sloooow doooown holy shit. We’re in a new location like every five seconds.
Not a fan of the “McGuffin” aspect. It was very contrived. Everything they needed to find was always conveniently found. Oh, there’s the ship we’re looking for! Oh look, there’s the dagger! Oh look, thanks for rescuing us Lando and giving us exactly the info we need! Oh, thanks for that Zorii, that’s exactly what we need to escape! Eh...
I felt so little? Why did I feel so hollow? Maybe because of the pace? It didn’t let you BREATHE. Unsurprisingly, the Rey/Ben scenes were where the real emotion and heart was but even they were so brief.
ROSE. I’m so insulted on KMT’s behalf like wow, way to sideline a really good character who could have easily just gone with the group on their “adventure.” She really should have gone with Poe and Finn, leaving Rey to do her own thing. But no, gotta have “the trio” that was painfully forced.
I can’t believe I’m saying this, but even Hux is underutilized and I’m not even a fan of his. His “betrayal” also felt super random and petty. (Richard E Grant is so classy though like he just makes a good baddie.)
Janna was nice, but didn’t really need to be there. Same with Zorii, though I liked that she brought some background to Poe. Lando was more of a throwback than really needed as well, but I’ll happily have his cameo.
Pleasantly surprised with Poe--then again, Oscar is a very charming and compelling actor. But I am convinced Finn was supposed to have this arc. Between the two, Poe definitely has a larger role and better overall arc.
Which makes me scratch my head on why John dragged Rian when Finn once again, didn’t do much except for worry about Rey. Does Finn have any reservations about fighting stormtroopers? Nope. Thinking of that stormtrooper rebellion? Nah. We’ve literally never had a stormtrooper and they do nothing with this story line. Nothing.
I’m thinking maybe John cares less about his character and more about just having a role that’s revolved around filming with his besties. He got to film with his buds and Finn being Force sensitive is implied so he got what he wanted I guess.
Wow I’m still back to being angry about Rose. Finnrose...they completely disregard TLJ. You’d have no idea the impact Rose had on Finn based on this movie and that’s really, really sad.
Not enough Ben Solo man. The style, the look, the cockiness even though he has one line...I cry. I’ll come back to him on my second post.
Palpatine’s return isn’t explained beyond “I have died before. Some say the paths to the dark side are unnatural” or some shit like that. I have no idea how he’s alive or what the hell machine that was that he’s hooked up to.
The sith temple or whatever that was looked cool but there’s...not really a fight? I know this is Star Wars but ships blasting at each other is far less fun to watch than say, Rey and Ben kicking ass together. I was bored by the space battles. Now I’m wishing for that damn Matt Smith theory where Palps takes on a younger form so Rey and Ben could have a battle together. At least we had some prequel jumps I guess...
They actually did pretty well with the Leia footage I was very surprised. Carrie forever. <3
“You cannot deny the truth that is your family....unless your family is bad, then you can deny it and change your name and everything!”
Dyad. What does this mean. Why was this barely touched on. Why if they share one life force is Ben not a Force ghost where is he I need to know.
I will rant on this later but...how am I supposed to celebrate and smile at the end when the literal conflicted hero who’s story we care most about just died. Saving the girl he loved. And the damn pacing gives her NO TIME to mourn or process this. I am...
This movie...is a mess. It does have some enjoyable moments, clearly the Rey/Ben dynamic is the highlight, but it’s a chore to get through and by the end, you’re just tired and need some water. I feel like I need to see it again but I...don’t want to.
Oh and Rey saw a vision of her and Kylo on the throne together. 1) I need to see it, because that throne only seats one person. 2) The movie probably would have been 100% better had she joined him and we see where that goes.
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The Perfect Date...
So, basically, this movie is about a kid named Brooks Rattigan:
They say his name about 50 times in this movie, so it’d be kind of hard NOT to remember it.
Anyway, he’s a poor kid who wants desperately to get into Yale. Kind of like Rory and her need to get into Harvard during the first 3 seasons of Gilmore Girls, but where Rory was quirky Brooks has to be self-centered or else the movie just won’t work... I guess.
The problem with Brooks’ dream is despite his good grades and extra curricular activities, he is unable to answer the one question I’m sure all of us have had problems answering:
Typical high school movie stuff... and high school stuff in general. If we’re being honest, I’m almost 30 and I can’t answer this question.
Anyway, Brooks has best friend named Murph:
Let’s just say, Murph is the reason I sat through this whole movie. He is computer smart (he’s also dyslexic and plans to write his college’s admission essay about this, which is probably one of the most interesting things that happened in this movie and wasn’t mentioned after he offhandedly said something early on... which, you know, seems to happen a lot) and has a crush on Tuna Melt Guy :
Yeah. Tuna Melt Guy, as he is called the entire movie (the guy doesn’t even get a name which is a problem in itself), orders the same sandwich every day (I guess) and their story is basically a b side, not really touched on, but we assume they end up together by the end type of deal.
There’s also this guy named... Brad the Stereotypical Douche (he has an actual name, but I can’t remember it):
Basically, Brad (or whatever his name was) made a deal with his uncle to take his cousin to a formal at her school, but his girlfriend Madison is supposedly home alone and he doesn’t want to do it. SO, Brooks volunteers because he a) needs the money for Yale and b) really wants to drive Brad’s Douche Mobile (I thought I took a screenshot but I didn’t, so just picture any stereotypical “douchey” cars and you’re golden) just once in his poor boy life.
Brad’s cousin, Celia Liberman:
Who I was kinda hoping WOULDN’T end up with Brooks (we’ll get to that) is that stereotypical “tough” girl who stomps around in her boots and throws a fit when asked to wear a dress (i.e me circa 2005-ish).
So, Brooks takes her to her dance at the most pretentious looking school I have ever fucking seen:
And they do some bad dancing (because the quirky, “tough” girl needs to be a bad dancer... I’m also a bad dancer, but I wouldn’t call myself quirky) and Brooks happens to see HER:
The girl of his “dreams” I guess. I can’t remember her name, but I’ll just call her Veronica because that’s who she plays in Riverdale.
So Veronica, apparently, has a very rich dad (according to Celia, he’s basically sleazy Batman). She’s so rich, in fact, she has actual valets at her house parties:
And she lives here (more on that later).
While on his “date” with Celia, she offhandedly mentions he should make an app where he pretends to date girls who need a date. She’s joking, but Brooks takes it seriously and asks his computer smart bestie Murph to help him make an app:
The app is basically GrubHub but for dates. Basically someone sends Brooks a message asking him to go on “dates” with them and they get to decide his personality, his outfits, and whether or not they need him to talk or listen (man, where was this shit when I was in high school) They set it up like ANYONE can use it, but only girls do in this movie (which it’s fine... I guess?).
So, Brooks starts getting messages and becomes who these girls need him to be. A salsa dancer, a cowboy, a douchebag... just whatever they needed he would do it. So, in a way, it’s not a terrible premise, but it starts to get to his head.
He basically starts pushing Murph out of the whole App process (you know, the creator of the App) and it gets to the point where they don’t really hang out anymore (again, typical high school movie plot), but again we’ll get to that in a bit.
I should probably mention Brooks’ dad:
Mister Rattigan (I can’t remember his first name) is a part time teacher and writer, but he hasn’t written anything in a while (not since his wife left him and started a new family with a new guy). He really wants Brooks to go to the college he works at, but Brooks is deadset on Yale. Which, in retrospect, knowing that your kid wanted to go there you’d think he would have been a bit more supportive.
He’s not a bad dad, not by a long shot, but he’s the typical movie parent who is quirky but wants something for his son that his son doesn’t want (until the end when he decides to go to the college his dad wants him to go to and that’s after his dad gives him a speech about how he’ll support his decision).
So, yeah, moving on. Celia calls Brooks out of the blue to ask him if he wants to pretend to date her to make her crush Franklin jealous. She uses his crush on Veronica to get him to agree. He readily does and tells her about his app.
She makes fun of it, because of course she does, on the way to the party and that’s when they end up at sleazy Batman’s house with the private valet company? I guess?
👆 Franklin 👆, of course is a pretentious hipster because he HAS to be otherwise how would Celia know that she belongs with Brooks and NOT this guy. He basically goes on one of those stereotypical music snob rants about how vinyl is the only way to appreciate music and Celia agrees because he’s cute. This I can relate to because in high school I too went along with stuff because someone happened to be cute.
So, Celia and Brooks start to “date” to make their crushes jealous. Celia also asks Franklin out because they need an “excuse” to break up. While this is happening, Brooks is supposed to be getting close to Veronica because they really don’t have any scenes together UNTIL his and Celia’s “break up,” but that doesn’t happen for a bit.
While “dating” Celia reveals that her dad is conveniently friends with the Dean of Yale and offers to ask him to talk to the Dean about meeting with Brooks. He agrees because OF COURSE he does and the meeting goes well because apparently Brooks researched the guy and lied about how one of his “interests” just so happened to coincide with the dean’s interest. Because that’s normal... I guess.
Afterward, they go and hangout with Murph who commented earlier that week about how he and Brooks weren’t hanging out as much anymore since they made the App. Despite making plans with Murph, and telling him he would not break them for the the App, Brooks does it anyway pissing Murph off in the process. And also dismissing Murph’s worries that he messed up with Tuna Melt guy when he pre made his sandwich (don’t worry, he didn’t, but again this isn’t even touched on much after this until the very end).
Needless to say, adding more drama to the story, Murph switches shifts (at the job they both share) with another dude and calls Brooks a “selfish prick” so yeah, and what pisses me off about this entire fight it takes until almost the very end for Brooks to do anything about it (on screen) which is really fucking annoying, but I won’t get into it.
Anyway, on her date with Franklin, Celia realizes they have very little in common and decides to stop whatever it was they were going to become because of that AND the fact that he reveals himself to be the graffiti artist she doesn’t like (her and Brooks have this entire conversation early on in the movie about how “Trashbag” is probably a white, overly privileged rich boy, and it turns out she was right):
Her bad date makes her “realize” she really likes Brooks (you know, like any typical high school movie... of course someone has to catch “feelings”), but he’s oblivious and doesn’t see that (which makes me wonder how these two end up together, but that’s... not important right now).
His obliviousness aside, they decide to go along with their epic “break up.” But Brooks, idiot as he is, decides to bring in some real truths that Celia had trusted him with and because of that she slapped the shit out of him:
He, being the oblivious idiot that he is, doesn’t catch on and thought seh was acting. Sending her a text that basically said “👍” and goes after the girl he “wants.”
Veronica:
The “perfect” girl... according to Brooks. Who, not surprising” was willing to makeout with him mere SECONDS after his “break up” with Celia... okay.
But, like all of these movies, the “perfect” girl dumps his ass when she realizes he’s been letting girls buy his time to go on dates with them. She’s also (rightly so) upset that he lied to her earlier about where he’s from (Celia told Veronica he was from... some uppity town when he really wasn’t and I guess he never bothered to tell her the truth).
So, yeah, Veronica wants nothing to do with him as does Celia, but Brooks tries to dance with Celia anyway (finally realizing, I guess, that he actually DOES like her at the dance AFTER Veronica walks away.
But Celia turns him down by telling him “I am not your back up” which made me go “oh, maybe these two WON’T end up together” (I was wrong).
So, Brooks has no one and he’s really sad, and he does that typical high school movie thing where he lies in bed, moping, trying to get Celia or Murph to answer his texts (they don’t.)
The next day at school, Murph and he do talk and he apologizes for pushing Murph away, and they make up. WHICH SHOULD HAVE BEEN SHOWN ON SCREEN SINCE THE SUB SHOP SCENE!!! OH MY GOD!!
Anyway, here’s them making up:
Also, “tough” girl Celia has a moment with her parents where she basically goes all John Mox on her mother and basically says, “I don’t WANT your life.” You, know as you do, but unlike Mox hers ends with a Liberman family hug:
I do not take good screenshots...
Anyway, after all of this, Brooks is seen finally writing his college admissions essay, but instead of writing to Yale (like the movie makes us believe) he decides to go to UConn like his dad wanted (plus he had a full ride so, I mean, Yale or not that’s what every kid wants when entering college) he writes a “admissions” letter to Celia basically asking her if they can date.
Yeah.
So, yeah, they start dating (as do Murph and Tuna Melt guy? I think?) or it’s implied they start dating. They kiss at least, so I’m going to assume they start dating (but they’ll probably break up six or seven times because Brooks and Celia seem like THAT couple).
It was an alright movie, I’ll admit, but it was also a typical high school flick. So, take it or leave it I guess.
Oh, one more thing, I still don’t know if he was able to answer the question regarding who he is, I stopped paying attention... mostly. Yeah.
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“I Love You.” “I Know.”
~Summary: Logan can't believe Patton hasn't seen any of the Star Wars movies, so he decides they're going to binge them all. Feelings are accidentally revealed, and cuteness ensues.
~A/N: I made this in one day after hearing about @tinysidestrashcaptain 's birthday! I hope I did well on this fic as I am currently a little under the weather.
Read it on AO3
~Ship(s): Logicality ~Rating: G Warnings: None Word Count: 2099
~Tag List: @artisticlnsomniac @insert-epic-blogger-name-here @juni-raptor @mythicalquill @screamingoutinrage @frigglishsprite413 @notveryglittery
The coffee maker slowly filled Logan's Stormtrooper mug. He'd woken up a few minutes ago and hadn't even dressed properly. He was clad in a Star Wars T-shirt, pajama pants with tiny R2-D2's printed on them, and fuzzy Chewbacca house slippers. Typically, Logan wouldn't wear such... unusual attire outside of his room, but today was special, today was May the 4th.
Patton walked into the kitchen wearing a shirt with a kitten, paw-print pajama pants, and fuzzy unicorn house slippers. "Morning, Lo!" He smiled, flushing slightly at seeing the other dressed so casually, "I like your PJs!"
"Thank you, Patton, May the 4th be with you," Logan greeted.
"Huh?" Patton looked confused.
"It's a play on 'may the force be with you'," Logan stated plainly.
"Ooh, this is one of those Star Wars things, right? Also, I love that you're participating in a pun holiday, Logan!"
Logan sighed slightly, smiling unnoticeably. Ever since he'd began to develop a crush on the fatherly trait he found himself enjoying puns more and more, "Puns aside, Patton... have you,, seen the Star Wars movies?"
Patton thought for a moment, "I don't think so, I just never got around to it."
Logan's jaw dropped, "Never?"
Patton shrugged, "Guess not."
"Patton, I will not stand for this."
"Then maybe you should take a seat!"
Logan rolled his eyes with a hint of a fondness, "You know what? I will take a seat... with you, in my room, with all 6 of the Star Wars movies."
Patton smiled at the idea of spending more time with Logan, "I thought there were 9 movies though?"
"We don't count the prequels, and the new movies are good, no matter what others say, including Rogue One."
Patton chuckled at how passionate Logan was on the subject, "Alright, Han SoLo... GAN!" Patton laughed at his own joke.
Patton's pun combined with his outburst of laughter made a blush spread across Logan's face. He couldn't help how flustered he got when Patton looked so adorable, but he willed himself to hide the pinkness.
~*~
After they ate breakfast together, popcorn was made, and they settled into the comfort of Logan's Star-Wars themed bedsheets. They sat under the covers, not quite snuggled together, but with their legs touching.
As they observed the previews for movies long-since released, Patton spoke up, "I'm glad you're introducing me to these movies, Logan!" he beamed at the other.
Fortunately when Logan blushed from Patton's adorable smile, it was mostly hidden by the dimmed lights and drawn blinds (for the movie theatre effect), "Of course, I'm a fan of the movies and I feel that you will enjoy them too."
"I'm just glad you're here to watch them with me! That way I don't have to watch them... solo!" Patton laughed again.
Logan threw his head back in mock annoyance, but in truth, he was trying to hide the smile that crept onto his face from Patton's humor.
"You sure do like Han Solo, don't you? You've already made two puns about him and you haven't even seen the movies yet," Logan pointed out, amused.
"Well, Harrison Ford is such a sweetheart and he's just so cute! Who's your favorite character, Lo?"
"While I appreciate each character's importance to the series, I'd have to say my favorite is Princess Leia. She's royalty, she kicks butt when she fights, her ambition is admirable, she's incredibly intelligent, and she knows how to get what she wants. I could write a whole essay about the reasons why I love her- and Carrie Fisher, may she rest in peace."
Patton nodded sympathetically, remembering the loss of our princess, Carrie Fisher, "Well, maybe I can be the Patton Leia to your Han SoLogan!" Patton smiled, trying to lighten the mood.
Logan blushed at the romantic implication, "Um,, yes. I believe I would like that very much," Logan couldn't help but smile, could his crush actually want to be in a relationship with him?
Patton giggled, "Yay! I still don't know that much about the movies, but from what I've seen they're such good besties! And I'm glad you want us to be besties like they are!" he smiled and focused his attention on the tv screen, still showing previews.
Logan's face reddened, it appeared Patton was not trying to start a romantic relationship with him, and Logan had just implied he would like to. Oh no. What would Patton think when he sees that Han Solo and Princess Leia are a couple? How would he react? Surely he would figure out Logan has a crush on him, would he still want to be friends after that?
Logan realized panicking was helping nothing, so he tried to take his mind off the subject and simply focus on the time he had left with Patton as friends before his feelings for the other were exposed.
The previews soon ended, and the sounds of the iconic theme filled Logan’s ears and calmed him, distracting from his worries.
~*~
By the time the kiss scene between Han and Leia arrived, Logan had forgotten about revealing his feelings, but the scene served as an unfriendly reminder, sending panic through his veins. Cautiously, he looked over at Patton, expecting the sight of him discomforted and awkward with the romantic development between Han and Leia being compared to his and Logan's friendship.
However, Patton was grinning at the screen and squealing, "Awww! That's so cute!!!"
Oh, thank goodness, Logan thought, he seems to have forgotten all about what I said earlier. He let out a breath, not noticeable to Patton though, and attempted to relax.
Though Logan wouldn't admit it to himself, he was slightly... disappointed. He hoped perhaps Patton would return his feelings and admire the unintentional Star-Wars related love confession, but he supposed it was for the best Patton didn't remember, helping him to avoid any possible heartbreak.
Logan shook his head subtly, pulling himself out of his thoughts and back to the movie.
~*~
Eventually came the scene where Leia kisses Luke, which greatly confused Patton, "I thought Leia liked Han? Why did she kiss Luke?"
"I believe it was to simply make Han jealous, I try not to read too much into the 'love triangle' some fans believe exist between Luke, Han, and Leia."
"Oh, okay," Patton turned his attention back to the screen, "Well don't spoil anything, but I hope Han and Leia get together! They'd be so cute!!!" Patton sighed dreamily.
Logan's face flushed again, not doing anything to acknowledge Patton's comment, both not to spoil anything and not to draw attention to how much he was blushing.
If Patton wanted Leia and Han to become a couple, did that mean he wanted he and Logan to become a couple? Logan had technically said he would like to be the "Han SoLogan" to Patton's "Patton Leia," so Patton knew Logan wasn't uncomfortable with the idea, but is this really what Patton meant?
Once again, Logan focused on the movie to distract himself from his own internal conflict.
~*~
"I love you."
"I know."
Tears spilled from Patton's eyes as the pair exchanged their last words before Han Solo was frozen in carbonite. Patton sobbed silently and leaned into Logan's chest.
Logan was slightly surprised at Patton's actions, but wrapped an arm around Patton nonetheless, attempting to comfort him.
Upon feeling Logan's embrace, Patton wrapped his arms around Logan's torso, burying his head further into Logan's chest and crying.
Though Logan was inexperienced with affection, he attempted to gently rub Patton's back, hoping this would calm him, he assumed it was working from the way Patton had stopped crying slightly and leaned into Logan's touch, smiling through tears as he was held in Logan's arm.
Logan was blushing madly, but grateful Patton couldn't see his face. He continued to hold Patton in his arms for as long as Patton seemed to be content.
Logan's mind raced as he tried to determine what this meant, Patton had initiated physical contact with him, (which is one of the 5 love languages, particularly one that Patton seemed to enjoy) and when Logan returned the physical touch, Patton encouraged him with non-verbal cues; moving closer.
So far everything seemed to be going well, but this wasn’t enough evidence for Logan to draw a clear conclusion. Rather than thinking about it over and over, Logan decided it’d be best to, once again, focus on the movie.
~*~
Leia and Han had just kissed after Leia explained she and Luke were siblings, and that she loved Han, and Patton, still cuddled close to Logan in his protective hold, squealed in delight, “That’s so sweet! They ended up together!!”
Logan blushed further, wrapping his arms around Patton slightly more as he was closer to him now. He glanced over at the clock, and upon seeing it was nearly noon, spoke up, “Patton, perhaps after this episode is over we should take a lunch break so that we can discuss,, um, the movies... together.”
Patton made a hum of agreement, “Sounds great, Lo!” he snuggled closer to the other trait, and the blush deepened on Logan’s face.
Logan began to mull over whether or not to bring up the subject of their friendship being compared to Princess Leia and Han Solo’s relationship during their marathon break. Eventually though, he decided it would be best to talk about it, rather than leaving the subject ignored and his questions unanswered forever, so for the rest of the movie, Logan thought about how to approach the subject, what he should say to Patton, what the chances were of him being rejected, and how to deal with the heartbreak.
~*~
When the movie finally ended, Patton smiled, sighing contently and lying his head on Logan’s chest, “Those were awesome, Lo! Thank you so much for introducing me to them! I can’t wait to see the rest!”
Logan chuckled, “Indeed,” his face was heating further from Patton’s new closeness, not that it was unwelcome.
Logan took a breath to steady himself, “Patton, I...” he trailed off, sure of what he had planned in his mind, but too nervous to say his words quite yet.
“Yeah?” Patton curiously asked.
“Um... perhaps we should make ourselves some lunch now,” Logan proceeded, removing his arm from its place around Patton and moving off the bed quickly.
Logan’s quick movements caused Patton to flop against the mattress, as he was practically lying on Logan. “Oh, yeah. Alrighty! Let’s go get us some food,” Patton smiled, covering up the slight disappointment he felt at no longer being held in Logan’s arms, cradled closely against his chest.
~*~
As they ate they discussed the movies Patton had seen so far, and their conversation continued back in Logan’s room as they sat across from each other on Logan’s bed, “Which non-human character was your favorite?”
“Oooh, that’s tough, I’d have to say Chewie ‘cause he’s just so cute and huggable!”
Logan nodded in agreement, “I admire his battle tactics and his loyalty to Han Solo," Logan paused, seeing his opportunity, "And um,, speaking of Han Solo...”
“Yeah?” Patton gazed at Logan with kind eyes.
“Um,, before the movies, you mentioned that... well, rather, you offered to be the, um, ‘Patton Leia’ to my ‘Han SoLogan,’ and,, I agreed,” Logan started, fidgeting nervously with his hands. “But, at the time you said this, you were under the impression their relationship was entirely platonic, and um, well, now that you’ve seen the movies and uh, know that their relationship was romantic...,” he sighed, “Uh, I suppose what I’m trying to say is...” Logan looked into Patton’s eyes with a glimmer of hope, overshadowed by fear, “Do you... still want me to be your,, Han SoLogan?”
A huge grin burst across Patton’s pink face as he eagerly nodded his head, “I would love for you to be my Han SoLogan!”
Logan let out a sigh of relief, grinning uncontrollably, “I’m happy to hear that Patton,” Logan hesitated for a moment before opening his arms, offering Patton a hug.
Patton’s eyes lit up before he tackle-hugged Logan, causing him to fall back onto his mattress. Patton shuffled so he was lying on top of Logan, arms wrapped around his neck as he nuzzled Logan’s chin, sighing contently.
After getting over the initial shock from the hug, Logan wrapped his arms around Patton’s torso, holding him protectively against his chest, smiling. Logan let the comfortable silence settle in around them before he spoke again, “Hey, Patton Leia?”
A soft giggle from Patton, “Yes, Han SoLogan?”
“I love you.”
Patton grinned again before replying, “I know.”
#my fics#star wars#may the 4th be with you#logicality#love confession#fluff#romance#thomas sanders#sanders sides#my posts#logan sanders#logic sanders#patton sanders#morality sanders#pantton-sandacers posts
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The Ultimate List of LGBT Kpop Songs/MVs
This has come about because whenever I come across queer kpop lists I am disappointed by how short and repetitive they are. My goal is to have THE MOST comphensive list of songs and music videos with any sort of lgbt themes.
Each song or mv listed will have a little (or not so little) description explaining how gay it is or why it is gay. This does mean I’ve let some more questionable songs and mvs on the list but from the description I shouldn’t be leading people astray or getting their hopes up. (I decided against including covers of songs eg. where the artist hasn’t changed the gender in the songs. bc I feel that would become too messy and complicated. Also there are artists and songs I dislike on this list, and some artists can be considered problematic however I felt that if I excluded anything based on personal opinions it would make the purpose of this list invalid).
Hopefully kpop fans can diversify their playlists and discover new bops, as well as giving comfort to lgbt+ kpop fans. I plan to update this list as new gay content is released :)
PLEASE GIVE ME MORE SUGGESTIONS FOR THIS LIST
Playlist of this List
UV & JYP - Itaewon Freedom
Itaewon is the multicultural district in seoul, also one of the prominent “gay” areas in s.korea. this song is a gay anthem in korea.
Baek Ji Young - I Won't Love Again/Sarang Ahn Hae
a beautiful lesbian romance
K.Will – Please Don't
the ultimate plot twist mv and is THE gay kpop mv
Sistar – One More Day, I Like That, I Swear
In One More Day shows when friends turn into lesbian lovers, but one is still in a relationship with an abusive man. The latter two mvs have fanservice based touching plus those gay vibes
ANDA – Touch
a very lesbian mv
Baby Soul & Yoo Jia – She's a Flirt Feat. Jang Dongwoo
a lesbian relationship but one of them is still with a man
After School – Because of You
love triangle between 3 women
Red Velvet – Wish Tree
a one-sided lesbian love. I will mention ‘Bad Boy’ for having some fanservice moments and the rainbow outfits in ‘Peek-a-Boo’ is peak gay culture
Holland – Neverland
Holland is described by many news outlets as “The First Openly Gay Kpop Idol” make of that as you will (Because you can argue about being first and whether he is actually an idol, despite being a Korean person making pop or alternative pop music). Regardless he is openly gay and his song is most definitely gay and his mv is explicitly gay. Bless him
4L – Move
in the aftermath of a massive breakup, the female character ends up having a lesbian one night stand which further confuses her while she deals with her heartbreak. This mv is more in the fanservice and objectifying females/lesbians category.
Loona – Chuu: Heart Attack, Yves: New
light lesbian themes, up for interpretation
10cm – Help
The male characters struggle with their relationship as they worry how society view them
DIA – Seoraksan In October
light lesbian themes, up for interpretation
VIXX LR – Whisper
light gay themes and touching, symbolic based and possibly just fanservice. Some consider their other hit ‘Beautiful Liar’ as gay, however, despite the homoeroticism in that mv, the plot is about struggling with your two inner selves rather than a male & male relationship.
Day6 – What Can I Do
in a very messy love triangle (or octogon, who knows??) Wonpil has a one sided love for Sungjin, the plot is somewhat continued in their mvs ‘I Loved You’ and ‘When You Love Someone’.
Sweet Revenge – Cry to Your Heart's Content
lesbians, lesbians, lesbians
INFINITE – The Eye
some scenes of this could fall into the category of fanservice and skinship, even though it is very emotionally charged
Gugudan – Chococo
Sejeong experiences a gay and chocolatey epiphany (a minor scene)
San.E – Story of someone I know
Depicts an ex-girlfriend dumping him for a girl
Brown Eyed Girls – Abracadabra
Queens of sexual freedom, there is an almost kiss at the end.
Girl's Day – Female President
an almost kiss scene, in a feminist bop (a song made not too long after s.korea elected their very first female president, Park Geun Hye. Note: this was made well before she was exposed for being the worst™ and consequently impeached, which is a shame for the first and so far only female leader in s.korea to leave such a ignominious history.)
BTS – Blood Sweat and Tears, I need you, Run
In Blood Sweat and Tears Jin kisses the male demon statue that seems to represent Taehyung. The other 2 mvs have light gay themes with skinship type moments
Imfact – Lollipop
kissing on the cheeks and other skinship for fanservice
Wonder Girls – Why So Lonely
a sort of but not really kiss scene
Crispi Crunch - Thumbs up
a very questionable mv but does include a trans woman, or crossdresser, near the end. Also the teasers for this mv included the two dudes kissing, nowhere to be found in the actual mv though (or on the internet now.... ???)
Lim Chang Jung – Open the Door
Includes a gay kiss
Glam – Party XXO
a bi anthem, lyrics specify about not caring about gender when searching for love
N.O.M – A Guys, Nature of Man
the group were less of a kpop group and more of a gay club act who then released 2 singles
Orange Caramel – Catallena
more so in the lyrics than mv but not completely ignored in the mv, Catallena explores how women are supposed to compete with each other in society and how that becomes confusing when females look up and idolise other females, and even further complicates when you fall for a female. Additionally, the meaning can also be about how girl groups are pitted against each other but they also admire and love each other
Nell – The Day Before
Deals with homosexuality and suicide
Harisu – History (with Turbo), Liar, Shopping Girl, Reaction, Foxy Lady, etc.
A transgender model and actress who also had a pop career for a period of time
Mercury – Don’t Stop, Let’s Party
a girl group which has one member, Hanbit, who is trans
SNSD – Dancing Queen, Divine (Story Version), All Night, Love & Girls, etc.
Dancing queen has lowkey gay lyrics. Divine is one big lesbian drama. In All Night Sooyoung and Yuri have major gay vibes towards each other. Both All Night and Love & Girls include drag queens. GG’s discography is so large so there’s plenty more lowkey gay songs.
Lee Hyori – Miss Korea, Going Crazy
Miss Korea critics beauty standards for women in korea, and includes drag queens. In Going Crazy Hyori crossdresses as a man and then sleazily flirts with tons of women
Mamamoo – Um Oh Ah Yeh
plays with crossdressing and gender identity, and kinda gay. And they have a song called “Girl Crush” which is supposedly platonic by Korean pov but worth a mention
Monsta X – All In
Hyungwon and Minhyuk are shown to be together, this is possibly why Hyungwon’s dad beats him
GFriend – Navillera
Eunha and Yerin are confirmed to be depicting a couple throughout this mv. There are hints that the rest of the group are also coupled up but aren’t as far into their relationships yet.
Suran – Sad Pain
two differently disabled women find comfort with each other
Triple H – 365 So Fresh
heavily implied polyamorous relationship and threesome between 2 guys (Hui & e.dawn) and 1 girl (Hyuna)
Mad Clown – Love is a Dog from Hell Feat. Suran
the story of a trans woman and her wife. Side note: interestingly enough Mad Clown asked his brother to play the trans woman, which brings up some questions about their personal lives – how close to this story are they?
Bestie – Excuse Me
in this mv the girls have a magical pair of glasses that reveal the true intentions of men, the final group of men they come across are revealed to be gay
Maman – Obvious Story
a lesbian song by a lesbian singer in a lesbian mv
Kriesha Chu – Like Paradise
a lovely and trendy lesbian date
Song Jieun – Don’t Look at Me Like That
depicts how gay people feel in conservative korea, feeling judged for their love
XIA – Tarantallegra, Even though I already know
crossdressing and gender identity, plus gay vibes especially with the dancers
Heechul & Min Kyung Hoon – Sweet Dream
a love triangle including Kyunghoon’s one-sided love for Heechul
Planet Shiver & Crush – Rainbow
an anti-discrimination song
CoCoSoRi – Mi Amor
the kiss at the end, otherwise pretty het
SVT JUN & THE8 – My I
in the realms of fanservice, male duet song and performance
U-KISS – Quit Playing
threesome scene including 2 men (Kiseop & Hoon) and 1 woman
Kangta (H.O.T) – Polaris
deals with gender identity
Super Junior D&E – Still You, I Wanna Love You, etc.
In Still You Donghae and Eunhyuk find each other, “bromance” or just plain gay vibes. I Wanna Love You could be a gay duet or not. Most releases from these guys are lowkey gay so.
Jo Kwon – Animal
a gay diva delivering a gay bop
Beenzino – How Do I Look?
has a couple scenes (not many) where gay men/couple are depicted
Bebop & Humming Urban Stereo – MAEM MAEM
looks like they are on a date
WJSN – Secret
some minor gay vibes, gay staring, hand holding etc.
9Muses A – Lip 2 Lip
an almost kiss (in a pretty het mv)
9Muses – Wild, Sleepless Night
Wild has fanservice based touching plus vibes. Meanwhile Sleepless Night has a scene which heavily implies lesbian sex
History – Psycho
yet again fanservice based touching plus those gay vibes
Luizy – Baby Ride feat. Hyunsik of BTOB
just two bros being bros on their bro date y’know
Uhm Jung Hwa – Dreamer, Watch Me Move, Ending Credit, House Mix Performance, etc.
QUEEN OF THE GAYS
HA:TFELT (Yeeun of Wonder Girls) – Truth
shows a lesbian couple
Jo Sung Mo – Immortal Love
depicts a heartbreaking secret gay relationship
Z.Hera – D Island
depicts a powerful interracial lesbian love story
Yuri & Raiden – Always Find You
fight me this is lesbian af as long as you cut out the last 3 seconds
MISS $ – Just Let Me Live feat. Skull
complex love triangles, and possessive love, with plenty of lesbian themes
Chaness – SeSeSe
dark mv with lesbians doing what they can to be together
Lee Jung Hyun – Michyeo
Lee Jung Hyun becomes crazed when she learns of her boyfriend’s affair with another man
Homme – Still Eating Well
it’s a bit of a stretch but 2 dudes and 1 girl scenario, dedicated to more of the “bro” time than the hetero plot
Lady – Attention, Lady’s Night
A girl group made up of transgender women (Sinae, Sahara, Binu and Yuna)
Shinhwa – This Love
a massive stretch but voguing is gay culture so we can’t ignore that, plus the use male back up dancers is… interesting
Kim DongHee – I Feel Like I’m Dying
Lesbian storyline
Seo In Young – Scream (19 Ver.)
there’s some gayish scenes in there, nothing major
Aoora – Body Talk, grab or bite, heartfreak, etc.
he tries to pretend his stuff isn’t gay but he isn’t that good at it tbh. it’s pretty transparent how gay everything is even if he does include shots of boobs. he could be bi???
May Doni - Molla Ing feat. 2AM
has some gay scenes
Cheetah – My Number
Includes a male dance team which are very femme, or are drag queens (?? If someone knows please tell me)
Yu Mei – Suddenly
cute lesbian love
Risso – OMG
cute lesbian couple
Luna – Free Somebody
not necessarily gay but you can understand lyrically how this connected to the lgbt community in korea and how it is now one of their staples at pride
f(x) – Chu, Pink Tape Art Film
In Chu Krystal wears a marriage equality shirt that says ‘Legalise Gay’. Pink Tape Art Film has light lesbian themes. Amber in general defies female gender roles in both western and eastern cultures.
진주 – 미로 Feat. 엄지원 & TBNY
a lesbian storyline
Gangkiz – Honey Honey
a girl gang run amuck being troublesome and having the times of their lives. Has possible lesbian themes.
UP10TION – Attention
some gay fanservice choreography
Sweet Boy – I LUV HER feat. NUVO
This falls into the category of men objectifying females and lesbians, an almost kiss
Stellarjet – Guiding Light
the main character spies on her neighbour and falls for her
Brown Classics - Nostalgia Feat. Yozoh & Eric
has a gay storyline
Rainbow Blaxx – Cha Cha
minor lesbian themes with skinship and fanservice
Epitone Project – Hate
a delicate lesbian love story
4Men – First Kiss
The female character is devasted when the man she loves falls for another man
toheart (Key of SHINee and Woohyun of Infinite) – Delicious
Key and Woohyun might think they are trying to win over the same gal but in reality they are winning each other over
Taemin – Move
I was struggling whether to put him on the list as he is lowkey a gay icon eg. Move where he finally threw off the shackles of gender based choreography and fully embraced his androgyny. he has plenty of songs and performances that all exist in this realm of androgyny, and a lot of his discography, both Korean and Japanese, could be gay but it could also be straight, it’s very easy to interpret whichever way, which I do think is intentional. (please refer to Ten’s section further down where I share my conflicting feelings about referring to people like Taemin as a gay icon if you are interested)
Seeya – Shoes, Crazy Love Song
heavy drama plot with lesbian themes, the mvs are connected
Park Jungmin (SS501) – Not Alone
an anti-discrimination bop and includes a drag queen
Pentagon – Critical Beauty
All the members are coupled up, and there’s a very questionable scene with e.dawn and a banana. A small mention of their mvs ‘Like This’ and ‘Runaway’ which has some very minor scenes of guys together but it’s very ambiguous and a major stretch to even label it as fanservice.
CS Numbers – Cry Out With My Heart
two girls go on a road trip
Bumkey – Bad Girl
The female character keeps on flirting with the male character but in the end it turns out he’s into guys
4minute – Whatcha Doin’ Today?
Jihyun may have accidently made two guys go from fighting each other to kissing each other, not to mention Gayoon has some lesbian vibes throughout the mv
i11evn – Porn Star Feat. Suprema
in the lyrics he talks about being bi (watch out for Suprema using, rather seemingly misusing the dreaded term “no homo”)
Gain (Brown Eyed Girls) – Two Women
some interpret this song to have lesbian themes
Infinite Flow – Rainbow Feat. Kim Jong Wan of Nell
the lyrics depict the depression and desperation of being gay in korea (sidenote: a personal favourite of mine that I discovered years and years ago and it still has a very emotional effect on me)
Dynamic Duo – Heartbreaker Feat. Kim Jong Wan of Nell
the anger and sadness of struggling with homosexuality in korea in the lyrics, the mv’s plot ignores the song’s meaning
Epik High - AMOR FATI Feat. Kim Jong Wan of Nell
In the very words of Tablo “I wrote 'Amor Fati' for people who are mistreated because they were born the way they are.”
IU – Peach, Red Queen, Everyone has Secrets feat. Gain of Brown Eyed Girls
Peach was written in dedication to former f(x) member Sulli. Red Queen’s lyrics also romanticise a girl and it is said to yet again be about Sulli. The lyrics of Everyone has secrets can be very relatable to the lgbt community.
Nam Tae Hyun (Winner) – I’m Young
a love song where the lyrics only mention a masculine pronoun
2YOON – Why Not
these lyrics can be interpreted as gay
EXO – Playboy, They Never Know
The lyrics of Playboy make more sense when you interpret as a secret gay relationship. The live performances of this is the opposite of heterosexuality. (note: Jonghyun wrote Playboy). In They Never Know the lyrics have moments like “Love is Blind” and discussion an unconventional love, it is widely accepted to have a strong gay theme. Also special mention to their 2017 winter album “Universe” for being completely 100% gender neutral
Oh My Girl – Knock Knock
Girls singing about girls
Black Nut – Beenzino
Black Nut takes his fanboying for Beenzino to the next level
Jonghyun – 02:34, Monodrama, Cocktail,
most of these songs have light gay themes, and make more sense when interpreted as gay. You delve even deeper into his discography and interpret them in a gay light.
Gain & Minseo - Imi Oneun Sori (The Footsteps of My Dear Love)
From the OST of the Korean film The Handmaiden, which itself has lesbian themes.
NCT’s Ten - Dream in a Dream
This is a bit of a reach but the inclusion of Lucas in some of the scenes of this MV is an interesting choice. Also I would like to give a shout out to NCT U (Ten & Taeyong) - Baby Don’t Stop, for being a lowkey gay tune even if nothing about it can be pointed out as explicitly gay. He has released a song called New Heroes, which lyrically talks about standing up for what you believe in and working hard to get successful whilst facing adversary, which is a great message, but with Ten’s almost meme-like status of being a “confident gay” (despite not actually being out) this song has definitely made a lot of people claim it as gay anthem, make of it as you will
(I feel conflicted about this; 1. he’s not standing up for the gays as a gay person if he isn’t out and people shouldn’t pressure him to do so, especially when he is a foreigner in s.korea; 2. it’s all well and good to quietly within the fanbase to joke about confident/panicked gays, or gay icons, but it can go too far, especially when it becomes their branding and only personality trait to both fans and the broader (western) kpop fanbase. these issues also apply to many like Sunmi and Taemin.)
Twice - What is Love?
The girls take turns in depicting and parodying famous cinematic couples, so fanservice based crossdressing and gayness.
and hopefully plenty more to come ~
#gay#queer#lgbt#gay kpop#queer kpop#lgbt kpop#kpop#list#k pop#k-pop#korean#korea#south korea#representation#bts#red velvet#after school#snsd#exo#jonghyun#taemin#shinee#smtown#jyp#f(x)#loona#vixx#whatiobsessabout
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☕️ on the ladies of court (Kiara, Hana, Madeleine, Penelope and Olivia)
So, Nonny, I am not sure if you meant my feelings on the characters of the court or how they are written. Lucky for you my mouth is big, and I have opinions on both. Apparently a lot. Get snacks.
Let’s do this.
PenelopeHer Character: So listen, I know that homegirl has all kinds of anxiety, loves poodles, has some funny ass moments…you know, good/relatable things. Here’s the thing, I am always going to look at her sideways. Penelope set up the MC for assault. People are going to say, she didn’t mean to, or she did it to stay in court. I just hear “blah, excuses, fuckery.” Her arm wasn’t twisted. She could have opted out. The part that really fucks me up about this is twofold. Firstfold: After Penelope sets you up, she acts as if she did nothing wrong. Bitch knew she set you up and was all like “congratulations on your dick and crown.” That is beyond two-faced. Secondfold has a lot to do with the writing (and I forgot my nonwriting point).
The Writing: I want to get over the shit that Penelope did, but the writing makes sure that I don’t. Not because the writers want me to forget, but the way that the plot disproportionately services her character compared to others (Hana and Kiara namely) keeps me from making that journey with them. Penelope gets all kinds of attention, especially in Book 2 and Book 3. Again, Penelope is the one who hired and paid for the photographer that took the scandalous photo of your assault. She was the one who got Tariq in your bedroom as well. These are actions she took. Now, look at how Penelope gets treated. We have to be super duper nice to her to get her to confess to her part in the bullshit. Later on in the book during the nameless beer garden scene, Penelope along with Kiara thinks the MC is going to be mean to them because Madeleine, A Demon, is ousted. No mention of her part in a plot that features assault. I am not gonna let that shit die. The writers do. Other than the option at the tea party where you tell poor Penny that you do hold that shit against her (as well as the next generations), this is never brought up again.
Also, they give Penelope a backstory of having crippling anxiety (which I can appreciate because mental health struggles are no joke), which conveniently comes to the forefront when we are about to learn that she did some fuckshit, and that takes center stage to lessen the blow. Again I don’t hold Penelope having anxiety against her, I do dislike it being used to redeem or excuse shitty behavior. Oh and the writers go out of their way to center her in her narrative. Penelope needs a boyfriend? Don’t give her Maxwell, he is an LI and for the MC only. Let’s give Kiara a brother that we never knew existed. He will love animals, and animal care and Penelope. She deserves.
OliviaHer Character: With Olivia, my feelings for her went through stages. At first, I was like, “fuck you, and everything about you for the rest.” I would choose all opportunities to be petty because fuck her. Then around the apple baking scene, I still didn’t like her, but I didn’t hate her. I think I started to love her Book 2. When she directed that hatin’ energy to drag Drake and A Demon and not the MC, then I could like her. Now, Olivia is a gem, and I love her. I love her shade and that she is not the one to fuck with. If I was about to go into a fight, I want Olivia on my side. You know she carries a switchblade and subscribes to STAB HIM™ as a lifestyle.
The Writing: I enjoy the writing too. This is a redemptive character arc I can get behind. Olivia starts off as a bitch, but over the course of the books, you get a lot of chances to sympathize and grow with her. Over time she sheds her abrasive front and shows that she is fiercely loyal and dedicated, but will still cut a bitch because, again, she subscribes to STAB HIM™. Also, Olivia’s growth is not at the expense of someone else. To be fair, a lot of the opportunities for her to be vulnerable and have the reader empathize with her are centered on Liam. Liam is the first person to stick up for Olivia in the series. Her motivations for her involvement are focused on her feelings/loyalties to him. Liam extends a lot of kindness to her. Olivia’s relationship with Liam as a vehicle for growth is never for the endangerment of Liam. You don’t look at their relationship as an abusive or potentially abusive. Can’t say the same for all the ladies.
A DemonIT’s Character: I read TRR before RoE, and even with that in mind, I hate this heifer. In Book 1, I disliked IT. Book 2 cemented my hatred though. A Demon in TRR2 escalated from fucking annoying to, for all intents and purposes, full-on sociopath. IT plays with the people around her on a psychological level, using her increased access to power for the purposes of manipulation and control. A Demon makes no bones about it either. IT doesn’t pretend to act in anyone’s best interest but its own. This is apparent before IT says what it says about Hana at the bachelorette party.
For those that have forgotten, after faking a fatal chocolate allergy and publicly debasing Hana at an event she planned for A Demon, IT says to the MC that it intends to psychologically break her. IT wants to do this. For fun. This is why from then on I call it A Demon because that is some fucked up evil shit. I thought it was a narcissist, but I am now like, “this bitch is a sociopath.”
While I am sure that A Demon is toxic and awful, I can also acknowledge that sometimes it’s on the receiving end of some shit. She got dumped twice. First Leo breaks off his engagement with A Demon to go on a cruise for an American (that may or may not chose him). Then Liam dumps her for an American (that may or may not want him) after A Demon agrees to a nonmonogamous relationship. I view her like Mellie from Scandal in a lot of ways. They both are women who dedicate their lives to men who do not give a fuck about them. Mostly for power. Is Mellie from Scandal still terrible? Yeah. Does Mellie’s terribleness make Fitz any less of a fuckboy? No. Liam is not a fuckboy, but he did like drop her out of nowhere. Leo is kind of a fuckboy.
The Writing: I feel a way about how Penelope is treated, but it pales in comparison to my feeling about the writing A Demon gets. Especially this redemptive arc that they just have to do. We can’t just fucking hate this Demon for the rest and leave it at that. Nope! Nah! Nuh-Uh! A Demon needs a multi-chapter narrative to have the reader feel bad and eventually like IT. The fact that there is dedicated narrative bandwidth for this is terrible enough, but the lengths at which the writers are going to make this happen. [insert long exasperated sound of frustration of your choosing.]
Look at everything that has to happen for “redemption.”
First, A Demon has to take a job IT does not need or want to force a closer relationship with the MC in an effort for them to bond or whatever. I guess the idea is that A Demon is supposed to be so fucking good at being the MC’s press secretary that they become besties. Sure. Okay. It’s such a shame that A Demon sucks in this role. A Demon as a press secretary isn’t all that great. IT has poor time management. Who the fuck expects a client to read over 100 index cards or a textbook dossier just before an event? Also, why put all your energy into such things when they can be rendered useless in a 5-10 minute conversation? A Demon is also the kind of press secretary that requires you to do damage control for them. Fuck the fuck? I hire you to spin for me, and I have to apologize for you? Not to mention IT puts in me in outfits that don’t match the occasion. Why are my titties kissing the breeze during a daytime luncheon? Why? (Also, why didn’t Liam want to kiss my exposed titties? That bothered me as well.) A Demon sucks. Kiara or Justin (before he tried to shoot at me) would have been better choices for this job.
The other significant effort made to make A Demon’s unsolicited redemption arc happen is a romantic relationship with Hana. Yep. The writers hint at this early in the drinking game diamond scene in Fydelia. It was gross then. Why? A Demon has said that IT wants to psychologically break Hana. For fun. IT had taken actions to do that before that was uttered. A Demon calls Hana a dog when commenting on agreeing to have Hana be part of her court. That same chapter IT points out that if Hana does not get a match, she will be kicked out of court. This doesn’t happen to Penelope or Kiara. A Demon then fakes a chocolate allergy and then publicly humiliates Hana. When confronted in front of Hana later, IT writes it off as hazing. There is no apology. It’s treated like whatevs, get over it girl. So having the idea that Hana is being set up to date someone who once said and did things with the intent of psychologically breaking her is trash. Setting up Hana for potential abuse is not cute or adorable. It’s troubling.
Since the writers are really building this relationship to do the heavy lifting of this redemption arch, A Demon and Hana being a thing is brought up again during the Gala. This time the writers know that we know about the psychological abuse. So when the MC tells A Demon to stay away from her, A Demon merely says that Hana is over it. Yeah, that sociopathic threat from the last book, entirely being written off as a non-factor so that this relationship can happen. Kind of similar to how we are just supposed to be cool that Penelope helped coordinate an assault on the MC.
Pretending that A Demon did not say that IT wanted to harm Hana and acted on it, does not undo it happening. When A Demon was a clear antagonist, that line added to her villainy. It built her up as an adversary to not just the MC but the women of the court in general. Now that A Demon is not intended to be in opposition to the MC anymore does not make the things that she has said or done less painful.
During the most recent chapter, this relationship is hinted at AGAIN. If A Demon comes along for your bachelorette shenanigans, IT asks Hana to dance, after a wholly half-assed apology. A Demon does not take ownership or responsibility for any of her actions. Again. IT says “if” like there is the possibility A Demon is not in the wrong. (For those of you who need to be told, A Demon is in the wrong.) The “if” communicates either A Demon either does not see what IT did as wrong or problematic (it was) or that IT knows that it’s wrong but feels ITs actions were in some way justified (they are not).
So much time is spent trying to have the reader have a change of heart about A Demon it makes the negligence the other characters receive that much more offensive.
KiaraHer Character: Kiara is intelligent, strong, ambitious, and is not afraid to push back against expectations. She does this a lot in the short amount of time that we see her. Most recently in Valtoria, if the MC criticizes her and her father’s wishes for not being personal enough, Kiara counters that their wishes are personal to them. Kiara has the building blocks to be someone fascinating. She is a WOC in a predominantly white space, who is driven to serve her country despite her country not always seeing it for her. Not to mention Kiara is a polyglot. Also, her family is impossibly beautiful. Especially her mama. I wish I could say more, but I don’t get to say much else without speculating because she gets so little time.
The Writing: I have spoken at length about how the writers have treated Kiara. I will not regurgitate the whole essay here. I will say that I wish the writers would put as much effort into Kiara as they do about A Demon and Penelope. Up until recently, the writers have gone out of their way to not write Kiara. We have Zeke because Penelope just can’t have Maxwell and the writers did not want to talk about Kiara. I will say the writers are better about this now. Still not great. (I have to watch you guys write romance for a sociopath but Kiara can’t get a hug from Rashad or Drake? I call bullshit. #LetKiaraGetLove2K18) The writers did make a point to talk about some of Kiara’s feelings and her trauma post Homecoming Ball and having the MC and Drake hear and validate her concerns. That was nice. I wished the writers did not have to be pressured to write about her.
HanaHer Character: Hana (like Kiara) is a WOC who is given all of the talents but none of the time. I will say that some of the growth that we do get to see with Hana makes her that much more endearing. Especially in Book 3, Hana gets to be funnier than we ever get to see her. When she drags Drake with that impression of him during the drinking game is still legendary and will forever take me out. “I would use whiskey for cologne, but I wouldn’t want to waste the whiskey.” That is just funny. Fight me. Hana also has so many aspects to her. She is a WOC who also identifies as LGBTQ+, she is working through a psychologically damaging upbringing (her parents deliberately sheltered their daughter so that she can be dependent/malleable to their control, which is fucked up) but she still has not let that corrupt her spirit in a way that it would someone else. Like Kiara, a lot of what sets Hana apart does not get explored and does Hana a considerable disservice.
The Writing: Woosah x 10^10. I need all of the calming breaths for this. If anyone in the TRR is done a disservice in terms of the writing, it’s Hana. Kiara’s treatment is terrible, but this is amplified in Hana. The problem is generally the same for both of them. The times when the narrative should be about Hana, it is not. Hana has so many opportunities where the focus should be on her, and the writers either half-ass it (at best?) or just drop the baton (at worse?). Dropping the baton seems light. They actually do not even extend their hands to receive the baton, let it hit the ground, urinate on it, then quit the race to watch Netflix and eat chips.
@lizzybeth1986 has done extensive writing on the many ways that Hana has been mishandled regarding how the writers treat her. I really want to focus on the way the writers choose to utilize Hana to uplift or guide other characters that she does not get in return. I am probably going to repeat a lot of Lizzy’s sentiments, but you asked for me to give my tea, so sit down, get your pinky out because I have some tea for you to sip.
I am going to start with the most frustrating thing about the writing for Hana, she is always positioned to be a tool. Hana who is a love interest is written in a way that the only reason that we care about her is that she is useful.
With the MC, the majority of her diamond scenes are about Hana giving the MC a leg up in the next chapter. I can understand that this is done to get more people to buy her diamond scenes. Hana is a female LI for a fanbase that is mostly straight women so I can see why the writers do that. With that said, in Book 1, Hana’s second diamond scene is the Cordonian Waltz. In that diamond scene, you learned a lot about Hana and got the skill. Later diamonds scenes tend to lose the learning about Hana over acquiring the skill. If Hana is your LI, you don’t always get to experience her romantically outside of the diamond scenes that are clearly intended to be sex scenes. Outside of sex, the diamond scenes with her as your fiancée versus your friend are coded almost exactly the same. Compared to the apparent difference between other LIs as your fiancée and your friend, it seems lazy.
Hana’s relationship with her parents is framed around usefulness as well. The last chapter in Valtoria is dedicated to wrapping up the story arc of Hana’s relationship with her parents. In Book 2, she is not on speaking terms with her parents after firmly rejecting Neville as a suitor. This is after the build-up of the fact that her parents have trained (yep I said trained and not raised) her for the sole purpose of attracting and maintaining a relationship with a wealthy man. A wealthy man that would elevate Hana and her family socially and economically.
Xinghai, her father, makes a point to say that his daughter was not raised to be independent, which carries all kinds of unfortunate implications. Lorelai and Xinghai have deliberately isolated and created dependency in their child, so she is compelled to obey and would be fearful to leave. Hana’s parents read like destructive cult leaders. The Lee household is a doomsday cult of 3. The doomsday, in this case, isn’t the world ending, it’s Hana dying a spinster. I kind of feel like I should expand on the crack theory of Hana’s parents raising her using the same techniques as destructive cult leaders.
Hana’s parents come to Valtoria to make her come home or totally disown her. The resolution one would think of is that her parents accept that Hana doesn’t have to marry and she is grown, or Hana lets her parents disown her, and she cultivates her own self-worth outside of her parents’ demands. Hana does not exactly get either. Hana proves her independence by showing that she can still be useful to her parents by getting Rashad to work with Xinghai’s company (using the flimsiest device, Hana knows the son of the Portera Group’s CEO). Instead of Hana asserting herself as capable and willing to live without their approval or support, she goes out of her way to reinforce their belief that he is meant to be useful. This allows Xinghai and Lorelai to continue to view her as an asset and does not challenge the terms of their conditional love.
Hana’s conflict with her family being resolved in this way, as an afterthought, is unsurprising. The opportunities to develop Hana outside of struggle or usefulness (like during the Shanghai chapters) are just not taken.
While the writers do not want to take the time to explore Hana’s experience as a WOC, talk about her sexuality or being in the closet (Hana’s parents exclusively speak about male suitors.), they are willing to use Hana to lay the groundwork for A Demon to come out and complete a redemption arc no one asked for. This is disturbing.
Hana has to form a relationship with a woman who wanted to abuse her. How is this healthy or good, or even acceptable? Throughout a great deal of Book 2, A Demon continuously berates and humiliates Hana, publicly, as part of a plan to push Hana over the edge mentally. For her entertainment. When given the opportunity to take ownership of ITs past actions, and actually show remorse or regret, A Demon does neither. Instead, the writers are going to put Hana in the position of having to forgive her abuser to redeem her abuser. This is not something that Hana would do for her own benefit.
You can’t even say that this is for the power of love. How does Hana building a romantic relationship with a woman who used to torment her do anything good for her? That is not even taking into account that Hana is a Chinese woman being put in the position of forgiving a White woman who wronged her. People of color, particularly women of color are consistently practically required to make public statements of forgiving people (usually white) who have grievously wronged them to position themselves as worthy of someone giving a damn. You see this again and again. The most recent that comes to mind is when families of the Charleston Church shooting victims saying that they forgive Dylann Roof. If any of them showed visible anger for what that man has done, the anger would not be seen as righteous or reasonable it would be seen as stooping to his level. POC cannot even be angry when they should be because their anger is a threat and reason enough to diminish them. Hana showing anger would be a threat to A Demon’s attempt to rebrand herself as a romantic option. Hana has yet to take A Demon to task for the way IT has treated her. She may not know about the true nature of the threat that A Demon made, but Hana definitely knows about all of the other ways that IT was shitty to her. The threat was not an idle one. It still doesn’t matter, Hana will be asked to place her pain to the side where no one but her can see it so that she can outstretch her arms to embrace A Demon, then scissor into the sunset.
Penelope would never be asked to not only make nice with someone who tormented her but initiate a relationship with them. She had her grievances with A Demon’s treatment of her addressed with the WHOLE GROUP vying to protect her. Penny got a whole brother out of thin air that wears his durag every night to lay his hair because she deserves nothing less. If they can make an entire person appear to romance Penelope, why can’t they make a stud, a stemme, or a man to sweep Hana off of her feet?
The part that makes this even shittier, yes that is possible, is that the coming out story that A Demon is likely to get, Hana should have gotten. Hana’s sexuality in terms of her past or even that much of her present is not explored. We as the reader are just supposed to believe that Hana is a virgin that has only been set up to be in a relationship with a man, but she somehow knew that she was gay, dealt with and adjusted to that despite a lifetime of isolation. Makes sense to me! Her parents as recently as Chapter 15 STILL talk about setting her up with men. There is nothing to indicate that she is out to them. I don’t even think if the MC is her fiancée, that the relationship is presented as more than platonic.
Hana is not even the only Asian Woman in the Choices universe that has dealt with her sexuality and growing into it or questioning. Kaitlyn has a whole coming out arc that was given time and nuance in The Freshman. It wasn’t to serve anyone but herself. Kaitlyn coming out was not a device to explore introspection with Arjun. You as a reader are not entertaining a plot where Kaitlyn says she’s gay and the rest of the time we spend teaching Arjun not to be a homophobe as opposed to Kaitlyn publicly accepting this part of herself. Yet Hana has to be a part of A Demon’s coming out/redemption story. Okay. I see you.
Those are my thoughts
#long post#long as fuck#long reads#it's a long one#i have way more feelings but space and time are issues#i need sleep#here is the tome you did not request
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