#You don't know how long I've been wanting to make this post
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Want Some Help? | Jeon Jungkook One Shot
Summary: When your boyfriend can't seem to satisfy you anymore your roommate decides to lend a helping hand.
Pairing: f!reader x Jungkook (crackhead roommate energy)
Word Count: 4.7k (got a little carried away but when don't I 😂)
Warnings: Explicit language, smut and cheating. He spits in her mouth at the end lol and hella pet names. Aight that's all you're getting lol gotta read the rest to find out.
a/n: This is the last thing I'll be posting before I go on a little hiatus. I'll make a post in a couple of days to explain but I'll let this circulate a bit before I do. I hope you enjoy it! (barely edited lol)
Requested by a lovely anon 💜
The sounds in my room are obscene to say the least, more from Brian's side than mine today though. I don't know what it is but something about him isn't doing it for me anymore. Is it the fact that I have a new Adonis for a roommate? Perhaps, but Brian's need to overcompensate for it makes situations like these even more awkward than they need to be.
"You like that?" he asks, him being so close to cumming with me barely working my way up to it. "Yeah" I respond breathily, trying my best to play the part so this can hopefully be over sooner rather than later. "Fuck" he groans at the sight and sound of my little gasp when he just barely hits that spot but I know he won't be able to figure out how to do it again.
Brian isn't a selfish lover but the dynamic between us has changed ever since Jungkook moved in...
He hasn't been as focused on me which now that I think about it is pretty damn selfish. I'm just making excuses for him at this point. He's more focused on his ego and playing it up for my roommate than he is into loving his girlfriend. I don't know how much longer I can be in this relationship if he keeps acting like this.
"Shit I'm close, are you?" he asks and I nod my head furiously, thanking whoever might've been listening to my plea and seconds later he's cumming inside the condom and I do my best to copy the moan that I let out when he's actually done a good job at satisfying me and it seems to be convincing enough since he's giving me that cocky grin before he kisses me again.
"You wanna shower?" he asks and I shake my head, "You go ahead, I'll shower later. Plus, didn't you say you had work early tomorrow morning? I'll let you get cleaned up in peace so you can head out" I say and he nods his head before going to the bathroom and throwing me a towel before closing the door and turning on the shower.
Luckily he didn't try to clean me up because there's definetly not much to clean since I didn't cum.
Once I'm finished and I've made myself somewhat presentable I put on my robe and head out into the kitchen to grab myself a glass of water. "Have fun?" my roommate says from the living room couch as I pass by on my way to the kitchen. "Shit Jungkook you scared me" I say, holding my hand to my chest.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to. Have a good time tonight?" he asks again, his eyes dragging up and down my form, lingering on my chest and when I look down I see that my nipples are very visible unbeknownst to me since I hadn't cared to think about the fact that Jungkook might've come home.
I wrap my robe tighter around me and cross my arms as I head into the kitchen. "Yes I did thank you very much. Did you?" I spit out quickly, hoping to avoid talking about my sex life with him. "It was alright. I had a long week so I decided to turn in early but um..." he trails off as he watches Brian walk down the hallway and into the kitchen, giving Jungkook a stern look before coming over to talk to me.
"You alright?" he asks before placing a way too intimate kiss on my lips in front of Jungkook who I see has turned his head back to the TV and isn't bothering to pay attention to the game Brian is trying to play with him. "Yeah I'm fine. Are you heading out?" I ask, very hopeful that this visit will come to an end and thankfully luck is on my side this time.
"Yeah I gotta get going but I'll come over again soon" he says, looking over at Jungkook before giving me one last kiss and heading towards the door to put on his shoes. "Text me when you get home!" I say and he winks at me before walking out leaving me rolling my eyes once the door is shut.
I slump against the counter, glad it's finally over and when I look back over at Jungkook he's not too interested in whatever he has playing on the TV anymore, his focus solely on me.
"What?" I ask him, brows scrunched together and trying to figure out what his deal is. "Why'd you fake it?" he asks and I choke on my spit, caught off guard by the unfiltered question. "Excuse me?" I ask, scandalized that he had been listening enough to even catch onto something like that.
"You probably wanted it to be over huh?" he asks, assuming what the answer was and unfortunately that was the case but I'm not letting him have the satisfaction of being right. "I don't know what you're talking about" I say, turning on the sink to fill up my cup again but before I can even pull it out from under the tap he's taking it out of my hand.
"Hey!" I call out, trying to grab it but he holds it just out of reach. "Can't keep you satisfied anymore?" he asks raising a brow at me, a smug look on his face since it seems he can read me like a book based off of my body language alone. "He keeps me very satisfied thank you very much, not that it's any of your business" I say and reach for my cup which he thankfully relinquishes.
"I know you're lying" he say and I cock a brow at him, not knowing how he could possibly know the truth. "Oh yeah? What makes you say that?" I press, placing the cup on the counter and crossing my arms over my chest, forgetting the fact that I'm completely naked under this and giving him a better view of my cleavage.
"You're not very quiet when you do it by yourself you know. What do you use? A dildo? One of those little roses? Maybe both?" he questions leaning in closer to me and making my eyes bug out of my head. "How did yo-" "These walls are paper thin doll, so believe me when I say that I can hear every little thing you do to yourself in there. But please, don't stop. I would hate to be deprived of that pretty little voice of yours even though it is quite distracting sometimes" he says, grabbing my cup and holding it between us as a clear invitation to leave if I so desire.
I take it and rush back to my room, slamming the door behind me and I can hear him chuckle from the kitchen. Fuck he really wasn't kidding when he said these walls are thin.
I flop down onto my bed facedown and scream into my pillow, utterly mortified that he's heard me ever since he got here. I need to wear a muzzle at this rate since there's no way I'm stopping just for his sake. A girl's got needs and if Brian isn't going to fulfill them then I've gotta do it myself.
I get up off my bed after I finish my little temper tantrum and change the sheets before taking my robe off and jumping in the shower to hopefully wash off all of Brian's scent. I can't stand to think about him anymore especially after what Jungkook said about him...
After finishing up my shower and drying off my hair I reach into my drawer to get my tried and true rose bud to help me out tonight. Yes he guessed right but I'll be damned if I ever let him see it.
I lay down and try to turn it on and after I've used it for a minute or two it just shuts off. "Fuck" I groan out, forgetting the fact that I had forgotten to grab new batteries for it. The TV remote has the same size batteries right? It's worth a shot to go check since I'm pretty sure he's gone to bed already.
Walking out to the living room in my robe again I'm met with Jungkook still sitting on the couch watching the same thing he had been when I first came out here.
I try to turn back around once I've seen him but he stops me by asking me if I needed something. "I just wanted to borrow the batteries from the remote but you're still using it so no worries" I say and try to leave but he stops me again. "I'm pretty sure I bought a new pack of batteries not too long ago" he says and I sheepishly admit I used the last of them.
"Oh okay well here, I can just finish this up on my laptop" he says while taking the batteries out and putting them in my hand, giving me the source of my pleasure for tonight. "T-thanks" I stutter and close my finger around them as if they would disappear if I let them go. "Is everything okay?" he asks and I nod my head while walking down the hallway, not knowing that he's hot on my heels.
"What do you need the batteries for?" he asks as we're a few feet away from my door making me jump. "Didn't know I was behind you?" he chuckles and I glare at him, hoping that'll make him back off but it does the exact opposite, causing him to smirk and glance around my room and soon notices the rosebud that I stupidly left in the middle of my bed.
"I was right" he smirks leaving me groaning and rolling my eyes as I storm into my room, not bothering to close the door since I know he's not going to leave me alone anytime soon.
"What? You know I'm just teasing you. You're free to do as you please doll, I'm not gonna stop you. I was even nice and paused my movie so you can have your fun too" he says, leaning against my doorframe and since he's being shameless I will too, deciding to switch the batteries out and turn it on to check but unfortunately it does the same thing and dies less than thirty seconds after I turn it on.
"Shit" I curse under my breath and he stifles his laughter by covering his mouth. "Yeah yeah laugh it up. You're just lucky all you need is your right hand to get off. Can you just leave me alone?" I ask, laying back down on my bed, exacerbated and ready to call it a night since the odds have flipped again. My good luck for the night being Brian's quick departure.
I don't pay attention to how high my robe has ridden and it seems as though one of my legs has slipped through the gap giving him a full view of my upper thigh and hip, one wrong move leaving me exposed to him.
He gulps but I don't bother to notice and only do when he clears his throat. "What do you want?" I say, throwing my arm over my face trying to hide the shame that all of this has caused me but fail miserably. "Want some help?" he asks and I sit up right away at his words, "What?" I ask, my reaction as dramatic as if he had grown two heads.
"Do you want some help? I can get you off real quick if you'd like? It'll be like one roomie helping the other" he offers as causally as if he had asked to borrow five bucks. "You're joking, right?" I scoff but it seems as he very well is not as he take a step into my room and he watches for signs for protest but I give him none.
"Not really no. I'm simply offering to help a friend in need. That's what we are right? Friends?" he questions as he takes a step closer.
He calls out my name when I've stayed silent for a while, not being able to take my eyes off him even if I tried. As long as he stays in this room he's got my attention. "R-right, friends" I respond and he takes a seat on my bed, a respectful distance away but it feels as if he was already on top of me.
"But Brian-" "Doesn't need to know" he says, cutting me off and making it harder and harder for me to say no. He scoots closer to me and takes the rosebud out of my hands, unbothered by what it's used for and simply places it on the nightstand next to me. "It's your move" he says, leaning closer to me, his breath fanning my face and I look at his eyes, mine going back and forth before his look down at my lips.
"Tell me to stop" he says, making things easier for me but when he's mere millimeters away I lean in.
It's soft and sweet at first, our lips connecting and breaking a few times, still giving me an opening to pull away and say stop but after a few more kisses like that he deepens the kiss. While keeping our lips locked for longer he angles his head a bit more, his tongue now in my mouth and soon he beckons me to do the same and I do which gives him even more of a green light.
He places his hand on my cheek and angles me just right before he switches up and presses down on my shoulder a little and leans in closer as a silent plea for me to lay down.
I crawl back on the bed instead and he follow as I lay down on the pillows with him hovering over me. "Fuck been thinking about this view for a long time" he admits and before I can say anything in response his lips are already on mine again.
"Can I take this off?" he asks, toying with the tie that is seconds from coming undone of it's own accord. "Yeah" I say, adrenaline pumping through my veins at the thought of doing this, of cheating with my roommate who is someone I won't be able to run away from after this.
He pulls the belt and in one smooth motion it's undone.
The way he looks at me as he takes both sides of the robe off of my body is a sight that could make me cum untouched if given the chance. Watching his eyes darken up as they roam all over my body until he's tracing them back up to mine where it's as if a whole new man is hovering over me, one that looks so insatiable and ready to break me at any moment.
"Fuck you're so pretty" he say, leaning back down to kiss me but soon trails his lips down my neck and to he valley between my breast. He settles on kissing one of them and slowly brings his lips closer to my nipple where he looks up at me for permission which I give right away. He smirks and puts his thumb and pointer fingers into his mouth and places them on the opposite one twisting and toying with it before he places his mouth one the one in front of him.
Once his lips make contact my fingers immediately lace through his hair, needing to ground myself with something and he hums around in in approval when I tug on it a bit.
"You sensitive here doll?" he asks when he lets go of it, the cool air causing a chill when it hits my damp skin, him having made a mess of it from his clear desire to do this. I let out a whimper in response and he nips at it before switching to my other breast to give it the same time and attention he gave the first.
My hips start to buck up after a couple more seconds of him switching between my breasts and lips when he hears those pretty voices he had talked about before, wanting to taste them on his tongue this time.
"Someone's eager" he says against lips but I turn my face to the side leaving him kissing the column of my neck until I'm squirming about leaving him smiling against my skin.
"Does my doll want more?" he asks and I whimper in response, not being able to bring myself to utter words of confirmation when I have a man like him already causing me so much pleasure, but it's not enough.
I need more.
"Jungkook please" I breathe out, done with this teasing and so worked up already from not gaining release earlier. "Please what?" he asks trailing his lips back up to mine and kissing them one last time before pulling back and waiting for my answer. "Please help me cum" I plead, wanting what he had promised me earlier.
He chuckles dryly and places a kiss on the corner or my mouth before responding. "Here I am taking my time with you but you still only want one thing. Don't you like it when I play with you like this?" he asks, trailing middle finger down my torso until he's come in contact with my clit, sliding further down past it and checking to see what my true physical reactions have been to his ministrations.
"Seems like you do" he says, circling around my entrance with that same finger when he feels how wet I am. "This all for me?" he asks and close my eyes once he's dipped one of his fingers in while using his thumb to draw circles around my clit but once my breathing picks up a bit everything stops.
"What?" I pant, confused as to why he would stop. "I asked you a question. Is this all for me y/n?" he rasps, looking down at where his fingers had once been and cursing when he notices how wet they are. "Y-yes, all for you" I choke out and he leans in as if he was going to kiss me but stops before I can even brush my lips against his.
"Can you say my name princess?" he whispers, posed as a question but we both know the only way this continues is if I comply. "Jungkook" I whisper out, his name now tasting different on my tongue. It's almost if I have to put more effort into pronouncing each letter, my throat suddenly running dry.
"Louder doll. It's the least you can do to help me forget how you've moaned his name in here time and time again. Probably another sad excuse of an act to fake your high" he says, going back to playing with my center, his finger going in and out at a faster rate now before easing his way into putting in a second one.
"Fuck Jungkook" I groan, this time a little louder than before that grants me a kiss on my neck, his motives to stay away from my lips being to hear all of my reactions to what he's doing to me. Wanting to discover new sounds and reactions that sound more genuine and are ones that I can't even hope to hold back with the pleasure he's giving me.
"That's it, keep going. Want your voice to be the thing I remember most about this, hear it over and over again, ingrained in my memory. That way when I forget how you taste it'll be something that I'll still be able to come back to. Hearing how I make you feel, not yourself and definetly not your sorry excuse of a boyfriend, me. Let me hear how I make you feel" he rasps in my ear making me shiver and arch my back off the mattress.
"Jungkook please, please" I beg with my ego gone, the only thoughts in my head being him and how incredible it'll feel once he's made me cum. "Just like that doll, scream my name if you need to, I don't mind" his calm cool and collected tone of voice driving me mad. How can he be whispering these things in my ear and taunting me like this while I'm a complete mess under him, barely being able to breathe let alone think straight.
I pulse around his fingers and he can tell that I'm close when I let out a moan after he hits a certain spot, hitting it over and over again, knowing that that's going to be the thing that'll make me come undone.
He leans back and looks down at me, his flushed cheeks and swollen lips make me insane, his calm and cool façade in my mind broken when I see the way he's watching me. Taking in every gasp, every moan, every whimper of his name and it makes him want to try even harder to get me to that high, needing to see what I look like when I cum.
"Just like that doll, you're doing so well, sound so pretty" he murmurs and with a few more words of encouragement I'm coming undone. When I try to look away he grabs my chin and makes me keep eye contact making everything seem even more intense.
Once the rising and falling of my chest has slowed down and his playful fingers inside me gain him whines of overstimulation he finally takes them out.
I expect him to get up and wash his hands but instead places them in his mouth, moaning once my taste hits his tongue leaving me swallowing dryly, needing that glass of water now.
"Open your mouth" he says after he takes his fingers out and I comply curiously, doing as he asks and the next moment I feel him spitting in my mouth before smashing his lips on mine one last time.
After kissing me senseless and exhaustion flooding my system my kisses become sloppy and he laughs against my lips before finally pulling back. "Where are you going?" I ask and he laughs again at my groggy state. I'm going to go get a towel to clean you up" he says and I sit up quickly, my mind slowly clearing up.
"Wait, what about you?" I ask, taking note of the tent in his pants but he simply chuckles and brings back a warm towel just like he said. I had expected the same treatment Brian gave me today but when I try to reach for it he pulls back. "No you lay down, you're still out of it" he says, trying to be serious but also satisfied that he only had to use his fingers put me in this state.
After he finishes cleaning me up he gets up and throws the towel in the laundry basket and comes back to sit on the bed next to me, cupping my face and studying my features. "You okay?" he asks, clearly sensing regret already.
"Yeah I'm fine. I just never thought I would do something like this" I admit and he mouths a quiet 'Oh' and takes his hand off me but I grab it before he can get too far. "I'm sorry I'm just confused and clearly not thinking straight" I say, trying to backtrack knowing that I've hurt him by saying that.
"Thank you for doing this for me" I say timidly and he laughs. "What?" I ask, clearly not understanding what about this situation is funny.
"I'm sorry" he says, his laughing soon dying down and I wait in silence until he's finally composed himself. "I'm sorry it's just not everyday that your hot roommate thanks you for finger fucking them" he chuckles and my cheeks heat up, thoroughly embarrassed now that he's put it like that.
I reach behind me and grab a pillow and throw it at his face which makes him laugh even more. "Jungkook stop this isn't funny" I whine and he stops a couple minutes later. "Alright alright I'm sorry, you were just getting way too serious about it" he explains and wipes away a fake tear.
"This is serious! I just cheated on my boyfriend with you" I exclaim and he shakes his head, placing the pillow I threw at him out of my reach and sighs before responding. "You and I both know that you've been ready to end that relationship for a while now" he says and I open my mouth but the words die in my throat.
"That's what I thought" he says and we sit there in silence for a moment while I pull the sheet over me. "Just break up with him already, I can clearly see that you're miserable" he points out and I hate that he's right.
"Why do you care? Should I break up with him so I can mess around with you?" I ask and he shrugs his shoulders. "We can do that if you want to, but from a friend's point of view I think your life is so much better without him" he says and I sigh, knowing again that he's right, telling me the things that I've thought about over and over again but just never did anything about.
"I'll talk to him" I say and he nods his head. "Good because with the number I did on your neck he's definetly gonna know that something went down" he laughs and my eyes go wide, forgetting to tell him to not leave any marks but I know I'm fucked.
"Here" he says, grabbing the hand mirror I have on my dresser and I know from one glance that hoodies and turtlenecks will be my new signature look until this all clears up.
"Jungkook" I growl and he giggles, never taking my scolding tone seriously. "What? Don't act like you didn't like it" he chuckles and I sit up, grabbing that pillow and throwing it at him again. "I hate you" I huff but he laughs again before placing a knee on my bed and making it dip under his weight.
My breath hitches as he inches closer and I can't do anything but lay down, slowly trying to run away from his lips in my mind but falling back into that same position we had been in for who knows how long.
Once I'm flat on my back and he's hovering over me again I swallow as best as I can, making him let out a dry chuckle. "Wanna run that one by me again doll?" he asks, cocking a brow at me and I press my thighs together, hating myself for doing it but needing some sort of something to keep me sane but it's of no uses when he leans in closer and I hold my breath, not knowing what he's doing or where this is going but when I close my eyes I granted with that same chuckle again.
"Goodnight princess" he says against my lips, his weight gone off my bed seconds later leaving me sitting up in process. "Wha-" "My pretty doll needs to figure out who she wants to play with if she wants more" he taunts and I cross my arms and pout a little, hoping that'll get him to come back.
"Aw don't be like that. After all the work I put in to help you feel good. I thought you would've been more grateful, not greedy" he taunts and I roll my eye before uttering a quiet 'Goodnight'. "Thanks for giving me memories to help me fix this" he says, looking down at the very clear outline of his hard on and I swallow again, intimidated from finally being able to see his full size.
"I promise, if you make up your mind...I'll make it fit" he teases and winks at me granting him a scowl in response. He grabs the door handle at the same time I grab the pillow and throw it which he blocks by closing the door. "Goodnight doll" he says one last time and shuts it behind him.
I spend the rest of my night willing myself to sleep and when I finally start to doze off I start hearing Jungkook's soft moans and grunts leaving me wide awake again. Now I really know he wasn't lying...
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like she used to
alexia putellas x sister
i have been writing this for ages and it has just sat in my documents folder since january. i don't usually post stuff i write so this will probably get taken down at some point. i've written 13k words so far but this is just the first 4k.
~~~~~~
I hadn't expected to get the call up, not at all really. But Mapi tore her meniscus and apparently the first team found themselves in need of a backup centre back and I was the best option from the B team. It's a compliment, really. Mami is very proud of me and she is excited for me and my sister to play together in a few weeks, even though she is still recovering from her surgery and I will probably not make it off the bench. I am only 15 and 10 months, usually they wait until you are at least 16 and a bit before you can play.
But, I don't really know how to feel. Thankfully Alexia won't be in training with me for now and I try to avoid thinking about what will happen when she eventually gets better and I have to face her again.
Alexia is my older sister by a lot. There's a 14 year age gap between us and I used to completely and utterly idolise her. She and Alba were two superheroes, always by my side when I needed them. I put them on a pedestal like they were the greatest human beings to ever walk the planet. To me back then, they were.
I was only four when my father died. All I remember from that time was the big black invisible sheet that hung outside his study and the dark and scary emotions that swallowed our house whole. Alba and Alexia would argue about who got to cuddle me at night and I was so unaware what was happening that I would happily agree, wiping away their tears when it all got too much.
The death of our father made our family unit stronger. Mami, Ale, Alba and Elena - it was all any of us needed and we supported each other in whatever ways we could.
Mami had to pick up more shifts at her job, so she couldn't pick me up from school. Alexia had just got her license so she would come in a break during training and pick me up in her training gear.
Alexia didn't have time to drop me off at home so I would sit and watch the training with whoever wanted to give me company when they were injured.
Most days, Alba would come and pick me up and take me on the bus all the way home. She would play cartoons on the TV as she sat at the table and did school work. Some days, when she had the time she would sit with me and watch Alexia's training and we'd all go home together. Alba used to say she enjoyed the training. Looking back, I think she just wanted a free ride home and an excuse to not do her homework.
As I grew up, everything just worked. Alexia and Alba were still living at home as a support to Mami and everything was perfect. My sisters were my idols, my Mami was my shining star. She still is. She would do anything for her daughters, as long as it meant we were all happy.
That is why it has been so hard for her over the past two years.
I have not been happy, not really. My football has been thriving, I have represented my country in the under 17 age group and I am a consistent starter idol the Barcelona B team. I spent two years in La Masia before they sent me to the B team last year and I have only been improving since. Everything is going well. Mami says I have had a better start to my career than Alexia did.
Maybe that is why Alexia hates me. Maybe Mami is just saying that to make me feel better about it.
Alexia and I, despite the 14 year age gap, were always inseparable - for the first 12 years of my life. She was at every single school event, football game, she picked me up from trainings when she could and would train me herself in the garden. We shared a common passion that Alba was not interested in at all - we both love football, we eat, sleep and breath it. Football is everything. She was the one who gave me that mentality.
"Football is life, Lena, you are lucky you are so good because now you also get to live football and hermanita, it is the most incredible thing."
She had whispered that to me when I was 11. We were sat on the beach, a place we visited frequently throughout my childhood, both of us staring out at the reflection of the moon on the sea. Alba was fast asleep, her head in Alexia's lap as she snored lightly, completely oblivious to our conversation.
It all fell apart over three years ago, although I don't have the first clue as to why.
It was not an explicit event that ruined everything, more my older sister growing up and flying the nest that was so secure and established over years and years of shared success, happiness, failure and grief. She moved out of home long before that, but her split with Jenni upset her, I think, a great deal. I wouldn't know because she didn't really tell me anything - that was strictly Alba's business.
I didn't even know they had broken up until 5 months after it actually happened.
"Mami, why does Jenni never come over any more?"
It was an innocent and normal question, but the look on my mother's face told me everything. Everything about Jenni and everything about my sister.
I think that was the first knock. She hadn't done anything wrong but I had loved Jenni and Jenni had loved me. I would have thought that she would have told me they broke up. Maybe she didn't want to, maybe she just forgot. She does a lot of that these days.
Before she and Jenni broke up, she still came to all of my games. She never missed one game before I transferred to La Masia and would insist on taking me out to ice cream after every one. She would tease me for not scoring like she does, even though I play as a centre back.
"You need some training from Mapi, she is a centre back and has the most lethal free kick, hermanita! She is the best defender I have played with, but don't tell her I said that. I think you will grow up to be better than her."
She was excited that day, I had made a few good saves and I think that was the first time she really saw that I had the potential to be great.
I remember the first game she was late to. I noticed immediately but we both pretended she was on time - she only made it to the last 10 minutes but I put it down as traffic or being caught up at training. She was busy, it takes a lot to be La Reina.
I remember the first game she missed entirely. She wasn't there at the beginning and she wasn't there at the end. I was 13 and I didn't have a phone yet so I couldn't call Mami and ask her to come pick me up because Alexia was too busy. I told myself it was because she was too busy. I didn't want to say she had forgotten because that was too hard for me to handle.
I remember vividly sitting outside the stadium as the sun set. My coach had asked where my sister was, I was a bit stuck with what to say but I managed to convince her I was fine and she could go home.
Alba came and picked me up after work that night. It was dark and she looked sad but when I asked if she was ok, she just shrugged her shoulders and said everything would be fine.
I found out from Mami a few weeks later that Alba was sad because I had never once been forgotten anywhere. Alba saw that as the destruction of our strong family. I suppose she was not wrong.
Alexia never said anything about that game but she was at the next. She didn't take me out for ice cream after, instead patting my head and telling me she would drop me off at Mami's work.
"I have things to do, Elena, I am very busy. Hopefully soon Mami will let you catch the bus on your own. Maybe Alba can take you soon so you know the correct routes."
Her words hurt more than I could admit to myself, I told myself to stop being pathetic. Mami asked why I was crying when I walked into her office. I told her I had played terribly and she comforted me. I think she knew I was lying. I think that is why she had tears in her eyes when she released me from her grip-like hold.
Since that day, Alexia has been to 3 of my games. She went to one more of my old club games but she was sat beside Alba, her eyes glued to her phone the entire match. I was so unfocused that the ball deflected off my face and we conceded. I was taken off with a bleeding nose but when I looked up in the stands, my sister was still staring at her phone. Alba had run down the stairs and was by my side when I entered the little sick bay.
I cried then too. Most people thought it was because of the bleeding nose or the conceded goal. Alba knew that wasn't the real reason.
The penultimate game she watched was the final of the under 15s Catalonia cup. I don't know what she did during the game because Mami told me not to look up. She said she didn't want me to get distracted but I think she meant to say she didn't want me to get hurt.
I think I still idolised Alexia at that point in time. She was still my older sister and she was still the best player in the world. She still had weekly dinners at home, although she wouldn't sit next to me and sneakily take all the food I didn't want off my plate anymore. She stopped staying to watch a movie after dinner even though my favourite part of the week was falling asleep in her lap as her hands combed softly through my hair.
I remember when I was accepted into La Masia, Mami held a nice big dinner. It was right in the middle of covid so it was technically illegal, but we had a lot of my family over. Mami invited a few of the Barcelona girls as well and Mapi and Leila reminded me of what it used to be like before Alexia stopped loving me.
The reminder of the before was more painful than I liked to admit, and the night ended when the tears that had been burning in the back of my eyes finally spilled out as I was talking to Mapi.
She immediately pulled me into her arms and asked what was wrong and I struggled to find a lie that would be believable.
I settled on saying I was upset about everything changing - which I suppose was true.
I remember Alexia looking mortified and breaking eye contact as soon as I looked at her. She told me off that evening when Mami was in the shower and Alba was talking to someone else. She told me I needed to be grateful for everything I have been given and that she paved the way for me.
It was even worse when she said I would never achieve the things she has. She said it was because I didn't have the mentality that she did, that I had it all so easy.
It hurt the most when she told me she was disappointed in the person I was.
"I hope we never share a shirt, Elena, because the day you play in the first Barcelona team is the day that we have run out of players. It will mean that football players are week and female footballers can not be weak. You do not have it in you to be like me, to do what I have done to get to where I am."
The venom in her voice sent a cold shiver down my spine and I felt like I had been stabbed. I didn't cry that time. I waited until I was in my bedroom to sob my heart out.
The last time she ever watched me play was the next day, but she didn't have an option not to. I played terribly, my first game as a La Masia student, my sisters words repeating over and over in my head.
That was really what tipped the relationship I once shared with Alexia on its head. The pedestal I had put her on was destroyed and suddenly she was just another player. I barely saw her as my sister any more. She couldn't love me, you wouldn't be able to hurt someone you love so much.
I have barely seen her since. She still comes to our family dinners on Thursday nights - she still very much loves Alba and our Mami. But I tell Mami that I have training with Barcelona B late on Thursdays. It finishes at 6 and dinner starts at 7, but I just organise to go to my friends' houses for dinner instead.
Sometimes we both have dinner together at home, but it is awkward and I hate it. I think she has probably forgotten about what she said to me in June of 2021, but I don't think I will ever be able to.
She doesn't like me, but it's ok because I have learnt to accept that. But I will never not love my sister because she was once everything to me.
~~~~~~
"Pequena Putellas!" Patri's excited shriek is what welcomes me into the dressing room on my first day. She tackles me into a hug and squeezes me tight. "It has been such a long time, mi favorita!"
The last time I saw Patri was only last year at the champions league final. I had sat with my whole family but I went to the bathroom when everyone else went and spoke to the players. I don't think Patri would have seen me.
I can only smile as she continues.
"I remember you as the little 8 year old who would sit and watch our training sessions after school! I was so confused by you when I first arrived here, you know. I remember the first time Ale let you play a game with us and you were so good!"
"Nobody doubted that you would be on this team one day!" A new voice entered the conversation.
"Marta!" I hugged the brunette closely. She was always one of my favourites.
"I am proud of you, pequena putellas."
Her words are familiar as I have heard them out of my mothers voice time and time again my whole life. But they seem foreign coming from Marta and it is an unwanted reminder of my sister. I don't know why - maybe it is because I have always associated this Barcelona team with her. I don't remember the last time she said she was proud of me.
I don't remember the last time she said anything to me, really.
"Gracias, Marta, I have missed you." I bury my head into her neck and she holds me closer.
"You have not been around as much since you transferred to La Masia. I wanted to come and watch but Ale never extended an invitation and I didn't want to overstep." I shake my heads at her words and she frowns.
"Alexia doesn't have time for my games, she hasn't for a while. It takes a lot to be La Reina."
Marta's frown deepens at my words and the attention of a few spanish players is captured. I should have spoken quieter, I forgot how many people in here speak catalan.
"It is ok, she is very supportive, but she just can't come to my games. She makes it up in other ways." I am lying through my teeth but Marta will never know.
"I am sure, she must be very proud of you, being selected in this team for the first time, it is a big deal, you are very young."
All I can do is nod, my energy is all being put into holding back my own tears. I don't know if Mami told her. I don't know if Alexia even knows that I was selected.
"Get changed now, I am sure Jona will want to talk to you before the session, especially with the game tomorrow."
I nod again as Marta pats me on the back and walk over to the cubby that says my name. It feels a bit surreal, really.
I never really thought I would see my name on a Barcelona cubby, accompanied by my new number that I chose in the meeting a few days ago. It was always a dream, but I never thought it was achievable. Alexia always seemed like a superstar, a superhuman of sorts and I would never reach that kind of level.
But here I am in the team that I always wanted to be in - in no way am I anywhere near my sisters level but I am on my way to being like her. I just wish she cared. I wish she was proud of me like Marta is.
Her cubby sits across from me and I try to tear my eyes from it but it sits and stares right back at me. I feel like an intruder in Alexia's space, this is not for me, she would not want me to be here.
I tie my laces quickly after that and head out onto the pitches to begin training.
I have trained with the first team twice before, but the Barcelona Bs were always slightly seperate and we could keep our distance from the first players. Jonatan is a familiar face and I feel comfortable as he smiles and me and motions for me to follow the others to the gym.
It is weird, being promoted within my own club. I am not so much a new signing, but a replacement - I am not good enough to be in the first team but they had no other options when Mapi injured herself.
I used to worry that people would say I only get opportunities because my last name is Putellas. When my sister told me I was weak all those years ago, that idea sort of cemented in my head, I suppose.
I never told my Mami what her daughter said to me because it would upset her. I told Alba half of it when she found me crying in my room a few days later but made her promise to not tell anyone. She couldn't say anything to Mami, Alexia, anyone at all because it would only make Alexia think I was weaker.
She was furious and tried to tell me it was untrue but it had already been said. I believed Alexia's word more than anyone else. To me, she was a superhuman.
But when I spoke to Jonatan a few days ago he made me feel like I was wanted within this squad. He made it clear that he wants me to integrate completely into the squad in the next few years and that he can see me playing soon even though I am only 15.
I told him I didn't want anything special because of my surname.
He told me that he chose me because of my first name.
"Elena Putellas," he said with a grin, "you may be as good as her, but you are not your sister. This is a professional environment. As long as you perform, which I know you will, nobody will care what your name is."
It was a big boost to my confidence.
Aitana Bonmati caught up to me quickly as I walked to the gym.
"You are big now." I chuckled but did not look over, I didn't need to really. "But not that big. You are only 15, si?"
"Yes, I am 15."
I met Aitana when she first joined the club. She always used to say that she would steal me and take me home with her because she thought I was adorable. It is strange that I am now sort of in the same team as her.
She started playing for the first team when I was 8. I was older then, I played my own football and liked staying with Alexia so I could kick a ball around with her teammates when they were done.
Aitana was one of the few who would stay every time I was there. When Alexia didn't want to wait she would drive me home herself, all the way to the other side of Barcelona. We would always stop for ice cream on the way home.
"I have not seen you in too long, Lena. I have missed you a lot but you have been doing very well in the B team. I am very proud and I take credit for your abilities." She spoke in such a dead pan voice but it was somehow still filled with emotion.
"I have missed you too, ABC." It was a nickname I gave her the first time she drove me home. I had been learning about the alphabet in English class and had the little song stuck in my head when she told me her full name. I used to sing her initials in the tune of the song but it quickly merged to me just saying the three letters.
"I have been to a few of your games, you know?"
I look at her in confusion, I have never seen her there. She just nods.
"Alexia never invited any of us but she was never at the ones I went to so I would sit in the stands with a hat and glasses so people wouldn't recognise me, but I was there. I went to your La Masia games as well. You have become a phenomenal player, Lena."
She has always spoken with such sincerity. I have missed her a lot.
"Maybe you can drop me off at home again tonight? I have missed you."
She chuckles and pulls me into a side hug.
"I was waiting for you to ask, little Lena. Oh you are not so little any more!"
I chuckle as well and let my head fall onto her shoulder as we enter the gym. My eyes scan the room, looking at all of the players on their equipment, nerves quickly settling inside me.
"Don't worry, it's all easy." Aitana seems to read my mind. "Just come with me and I will show you how to do everything. It will become second nature in the next few days."
The gym session went quickly as I was taught all the different exercises. I was familiar with most of them, having done a very similar program in the past with the B team.
We went out onto the field to do some drills and I played well. Jonatan was impressed and so were the first players. My teammates? Maybe, not quite, I don't think. I still haven't been in a team list, so I suppose I'll be their teammate when that eventually happens.
It wasn't until we reached the ice cream shop that Aitana started asking me all the awkward questions. I should have seen it coming.
"Why do you never come to our games anymore, Lena?" I was very grateful for the scoops of gelato in my hands. Eating it delayed my response as I tried to come up with something to say. I shrug as I eat.
I can not say it is because I do not get along with Alexia. It is too hard for me to say now, even after all these years.
"I'm not sure. I suppose I got busy with my own training and school. I have been to a few but I usually go home with Alba pretty quickly after they finish." It is only half a lie but she just shrugs, apparently not believing my words.
"And why is it that I am driving you home from your first ever first team training? I thought Alexia would have wanted to." I anticipated a question like this but that does not mean I wanted her to actually ask it.
"Alexia is busy." I hope that Aitana understands I don't want to talk about it. I haven't spoken about my broken relationship with my sister to anyone. I think she can sense something is wrong though, because she puts her spoon back into her ice cream and grabs my arm so I am staring right at her.
"If you ever want to talk, I am right here, Lena. I know you don't like people knowing what is going on inside that crazy head of yours but it is good to release your feelings."
She definitely knows something is wrong so I appreciate her not pushing.
"I have outlets, I play football, I play the piano, I am ok, aitana, I really am."
She eyed me as if to say she didn't believe me but dropped the topic anyway.
"When did you get so good?"
chapter II
#woso fanfics#woso#woso imagine#alexia putellas#putellas!reader#alexia putellas x reader#barca femeni#fcb femeni#alexia putellas imagine
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Check to see if you have a 'bring your hair dryer to work with you' therapist.
I'm serious. I've been in and out of the mental healthcare system in the UK and US for over 20 years and if I have learned anything about clinicians it is that they divide care into "want to make the client "sane"" and "make the client able to live a comfortable/happy life" categories.
Let me explain.
There's a really good post that can be found here: http://benedante.blogspot.com/2016/12/the-hair-dryer-incident.html
The long and short is a person was struggling with obsessive compulsive disorder who worried that if they left their hair dryer plugged in then they would burn down their house. This had them disrupt their life to check on their fear and their clinician told them to bring the hair dryer to work with them so when the panic set in they could see the hair dryer was with them and it would soothe their fear with minimal disruption.
The blog post above goes into it. Mental healthcare professionals arguing over whether this was "enabling" and a detriment to healing and coping versus those who saw that the life disruption had been solved and it's okay for the client to not be healed if they can live their life.
-
So. Get a 'take your hair dryer to work' therapist. Ask yours about the hypothetical and see where their priorities lie. Are they trying to help you or heal you? They may sound like the same thing but they're not always. Ask yourself what you want from your circumstances?
We have DID and our therapist always treats us as individuals (something the DSM-V specifically warns clinicians against) because she saw how much damage it was doing for us to try and shift and change our behavior to be socially accepteable. It's better for our mental health to embrace "being insane" (my words, not hers) than to repress ourselves to the point of denying anyone the chance to get to know us.
Every clinician will carry baggage with them. That's just normal. But you got to know where their priorities lie. There's a lot of stigma in the mental health field. Knowing if they'd encourage you to act a little crazy for the sake of your peace and comfort helps.
At least. That's our opinion.
#watch me post my trauma in public#ocd#bpd#cptsd#did#therapy#therapists#mental health#camden posting#albeit me and Wynn are blended as fuck today
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Hii, I've got a request in mind, thinking about Hannie but ain't not sure if it fits Seungmin too (that "honey can you bring my towel" scene he acted at that tv show lives rent free in my mind), so it's a first time thing + shy reader + he puts her hand on his hard on (Idk I feel like they give such a sneaky vibe, in a moment you're laughing with him and the next you're underneath him). Steamy make out, dry humping, handjob, whatever you feel more fitting, just pls don't let poor bb with them blue balls 👀
Little note: can I be 🍦 anon? ❤
MY BABY 🍦im so sorry its taken almost 3 months to write this:( better late than never though! i hope it was semi worth the wait<3
i had no idea what you were referring to so i had to go on tiktok n find it n i THINK i know what youre talking about!
Word count;2,760
18+, MDNI SMUT WARNINGS UNDER THE CUT
©ANY translation, copy & paste, posting of my work is strictly forbidden for ANY posts/ writing i post.
main masterlist here.
SMUT WARNINGS: PIV, whiny hannie, handjob, fingering(f rec), spit, creampie, dry humping, teasing, hannie & y/n are both subby?, slightly nervous hannie, tit play, slight mommy kink
You're currently sitting on your new boyfriend, Han jisungs bed while he showers in his small bathroom connecting to his bedroom & you're just scrolling through tiktok as he belts out whatever song that's playing from his phone without a care in the world.
You've been dating Jisung for around 3 months but you both have agreed that you can both see it going long term, much to both of your happiness!
You've warmed up to Jisung a whole bunch, being a whole lot more shy before meeting him & he was just as much as a nervous person as you are, but you've both brought out the best in one another. But, because you're both a bit more reserved, you've been a bit too scared to make the first move. You've kissed countless times & he has slipped a finger in once or twice, but nothing else past that, him not wanting to push any more boundaries.
You're just watching some of those true crime tiktoks, sprawled out on top of the messy, unmade bedsheets, not realising the shower had turned off until you hearing Jisung kissing his own teeth & groaning.
"Y/nnie? Can you go into my closet n gimme a towel, I've forgotten mine!" Han yells through the door, dragging out the last syllable & you just hum in response before dragging yourself to where he stores his clothes, towels & blankets & grabbing the first one you see.
"Open the door then Sungie!" you cheer, fingers fidgeting with the material. Jisung slowly opens the door & pokes his head out, not wanting to show anything non PG, he pinches the towel out of your hand but doesn't bother to fully close the door over again as he tries to tie it around his waist before awkwardly chuckling.
"Y/nnie, uh, I usually just.. air dry? after showering & I genuinely have no idea how to tie it like how girls do! If you... don't mind could you tie it for me? Or you can just bring me some sweatpants n I can change in here!" He splurges out, almost being able to hear his heartbeat through the door separating you both.
"You'll just stay damp in there since the steam is hitting me in the face, yeah I can.. I can tie it for you." you reply, trying to sound confident. You give him the time to hold the towel around him & you slowly push open the door, the smell of the shampoo & body wash he used still strong in the air.
You give him a smile & a small giggle, which he gladly mirrors & you take the top part of the towel & tightening it before tucking it in, making it stay put without the need to hold it with his hands anymore.
As you do this though, you realise the towel is a bit of an odd size, it being a bit small despite it being wrapped around his tiny waist, showing off his growing bulge through the tight DIY now skirt he is wearing & you can't help but blush.
"Oi! Don't look! I said I don't use towels I didn't realise they're a horrible size!" as he covers the growing tent under the towel, his chubby cheeks going red as his big eyes look at you & you just laugh but your eyes can't stop trailing down to his now fidgeting hands.
"You're so dramatic Sungie, It's hot in a way, you're so unaware it's funny." You giggle, your fingers pinching his cheeks & he blushes even more before his hands move from where they were perched to swat your fingers away, but as he does so, his towel of course begins to slip & you both realise at the same time, your hands & his hands racing to stop it from falling.
Your hands reach the towel first & you grab it & his hands cup over yours & you both realise instantly, you're cupping over his now even more hardening cock, his own hands keeping you there.
You both look up at your hands at the same time then back up at each other, both of your eyes wide open. He quickly removes his hands from yours, but to both of your surprise, you don't move your hands away.
"Y/nnie, you gonna move your hands or what?" he questions, his voice full of shock. You snap back into reality when he says this & your hands whip away from him, holding them up to your chest.
"I'm sorry! I didn't know you wouldn't lik-" you rush out. "hey hey hey! I didn't not like it, I liked it as much as any other guy would! I just didn't think you would be so bold or ballsy I guess?!" he cuts you off, using one hand to hold the towel around his waist as he is waving the other hand around, trying to get his point across.
You blush at what he says & you pause for a moment, but when you can't really think of a verbal response, you give a physical one instead, & you move your hand to lightly cup him again which makes his hips twitch as he looks at you, his jaw slightly open.
You move your hand slightly, getting a bit of a better feel & he instantly gets harder under your touch & he stutters & you just giggle again at him, looking at his features, watching for the reaction he's giving.
"Is this alright, Sungie?" you ask as you take the extra mini step & lean in to his neck & give it a quick peck before looking into his eyes, smiling at his pretty face. "Y-yeah, can we not do this in the bathroom though? ruins the mood, unless you wanna get back in the shower with me?" he jokes, trying to sound confident despite him absolutely freaking out inside.
You nod your head & take his hand & you both walk back into the bedroom & you straddle him once the back of his knees hit the edge of the bed, him flopping down. "Can I.. remove this? We don't need to though, Hannie." you murmur out, cupping his cheeks.
"Mhmm, please, please please." he pleads before he pushes on the back of your head & he kisses you, his tongue not taking long to begin poking into your own. At the same time, you raise your hips just enough so you can paw the towel away, now leaving him bare beneath you, which makes you think your heart is going to come out of your mouth.
You slowly grind over his cock with your covered core in a slow motion as you deepen the kiss, Jisung letting out a small groan at the contact & his hips buck up when you allow a shaky hand to wrap around his already somehow leaky cock & you begin jerking it at a good pace, his lips involuntarily breaking away from yours for a second, drool completely coating his lips & chin by this point.
"This okay f'you?" you tease, his reactions already giving away the fact that it's more than okay, he just lets out another small whine before moving his head up enough to kiss you again, his hips bucking up into your hand & his precum coating parts of your hand, his tip completely shiny.
You grind down on his upper thighs as you jerk him off, your own little pants swapping between your lips as you get a bit, but no way near enough friction for you to fully get off on.
Hans breathing begins to speed up & become slightly erratic & he moves his fingers from the back of your hair & he rests them on your hips, helping you grind, but not long after, he is fiddling with the waistband & you take the hint, you break your lips from his & take the few seconds to wiggle off your pants, leaving you in your plain cotton panties & Jisungs shirt you stole.
Hi big boba eyes, completely blown out, stare up at you in awe & he sits up, his face level with your covered tits. "Can I take this off too, y/nnie?" he asks & the second you give the okay, he gets rid of it before you have the time to blink, letting out a strained grunt at the fact you aren't wearing a bra.
Once you're left in just your underwear, Jisung flips you over so he is between your legs, leaning over you & he basically has his eyes glued to your now pebbled nipples & he has to bite his lip to avoid drooling all over them & you giggle at his reaction, your cheeks going red with a mix of nerves, slight embarrassment from his eyes burning into you & also love.
Jisung makes his way down slightly so he is level with your chest & he simply admires your tits as his left hand now rests on your inner thigh, thumb caressing it.
"Can I touch you, jagi? We don't need to go any further." he asks for reassurance. "Hannie, stop asking, I'm dying for it, please." you respond, your hips jerking up to convince him. He blushes more than he already is & he lets his fingers trail onto your covered core as he runs his finger up & down your slit, making you bite your lip, trying to not moan too loudly.
"Don't silence yourself jagi, don't be nervous, it's just me." he says in a sweet tone as his fingers move your underwear to the side, happy with himself with the wet spot he caused on the fabric.
His fingers begin spreading your wetness on your slit, making sure to prolong an extra few seconds of attention on your clit before he enters one finger into your dripping hole, a small squelch noise being made from it & your back slightly arching off the bed, Jisung not being able to hold back the smirk now spreading across his lips as he lets his lips latch onto your nipple.
"O-oh shit! Sungie, right there." you whimper, your fingers weaving into his hair as you spread your legs a bit more & wiggling your hips, trying to get his finger impossibly deeper.
He decides to add a second finger as he finds your G-spot & your breath hitches in your throat & your eyes scrunch shut, pulling his hair, him moaning into your tit along with you.
You feel your orgasm beginning to build up as you can both feel yourself clenching around his now two fingers. "Sungie, lie down, wanna cum with you." you whimper, trying your hardest to concentrate enough to speak an actual sentence.
Jisung unlatches himself from your tit & pulls his now soaked fingers out of your cunt, much to his displeasure. He crawls his way to the top of the bed & rests his head on the pillows & you are quick to follow behind him, straddling him again before leaning down to kiss him.
"Can I put it inside? Wanna feel you." He pleads, glossy eyes looking up at you as his hands are resting on your waist. "What's the magic word?" you decide to tease, your fingers reaching down to fondle his balls, making his eyebrows furrow & another bead of precum dripping down his cock.
"Pleaseee, mommy please, please let me." he begs, not being able to stop his ears going bright red as his fingers move their way to your ass, kneading the flesh in his hands as his hips keep buck up into you.
You are caught slightly by surprise by the 'mommy' part of the sentence, but you also know it's exactly something he & now also you're into.
You decide to not let him wait any longer as you're also itching for him to fill you up, your wetness leaving a small slick patch of where you were straddling as you raise your hips & Jisung grabs his pretty dick & runs it over your folds, making you jolt, before aligning himself up with your hole & you begin to slide him inside.
You sink down until you can't anymore & you both hiss at the feeling, him already resting against your spongey spot & the warmth of you wrapped around him making his mind spill.
You raise your hips slightly & then sink back down, setting a slow but pleasurable pace as small moans begin escaping your lips, jisungs eyes completely stuck to you, simply admiring you.
Drool escapes his lips & dribbles down the side of his cheek, his tongue poking out his jaw dropped mouth ever so often as you both share moans.
"Yo-you're so tight jagi, mind is n-oh m, fuck." Jisung babbles, his hands helping your thrusts by moving your ass up & down as his hips jerk up to also meet you in the middle, making you squeal.
You place your hands on his shoulders as you begin to quicken your pace, trying your best to ignore the stinging pain in your thighs as you do so.
Jisung sits himself up against the headboard, making sure to not slip out of you as he settle you both in the similar but different position. You begin grinding on his cock & slowly bouncing as Jisung reaches to begin suckling on your nipple again as his fingers begin to fondle your other tit, making you moan.
"Y-you're filling me so well, Sungie" you whimper as your motions find the best spot where his cock can reach & picking up your speed.
Jisung lets out a loud 'uumph' as his tip hits into your soft spot, making your belly go hot inside, but he can feel your speed slowing. Jisung unlatches from your now spit covered nipple & blows some cold air on it before he repositions you both, helping you lay on your stomach & you lift your hips so your ass is in the air for him, which makes him groan.
"Sungie, put it back in, wanna make you cum." you implore, wiggling your ass in front of him to convince him, which works as he swallows a choked moan before lining himself back up with your sopping cunt & sliding back in.
You both let out a moan in unison as Jisung begins to pick up his pace, trying his best to not throw his head back from the new position & angle, looking down at the way your ass ripples every time his hips hit against it & he can feel his orgasm building up instantly.
You both keep babbling, mostly to yourselves, his pace just right so you can't stop clenching, your knuckles turning white from gripping the bedsheets, your cheek pressed against the bed.
"S-sung- I'm gonna c-cum." you yelp, eyes rolling to the back of your head, Jisungs cock got a white ring against the base of his cock, being able to quite literally hear the wetness coming from between your legs.
"S-me too, clenching t-too much, w-wher-" "Inside, inside Hannie." you are quick to cut him off, rushing the words out just in time before your orgasm bubbles over, your legs getting weak & if it wasn't for Jisung holding onto your hips. As soon as your cunt begins to spasm around him, his own release hits him & his cum paints the inside of your walls white, basically squealing as the pleasure washes over him, his bottom lip all puffy from how much he has been biting it.
He pulls out & slowly helps you lay down fully on your stomach before he lets himself flop down too, straddling your ass & his face level with yours.
You both stay like this, him turning his head slightly to kiss your earlobe, his fingers moving the hair out of your face.
"You wanna get back in the shower then?" you murmur, getting your breath back, chuckling.
"I wouldn't mind that, we are sticking to each other, but I wouldn't mind staying like this." he hums back, smiling to mostly himself as he shuts his eyes, inhaling the smell of your skin, your perfume still a bit faint on your skin after all this time.
"n a mommy kink, Sungie? Who woulda thought." you tease, giggling. "Hey! if you liked it then who cares, its hot." he replies, him trying to hide the slight fluster in his voice.
->Anon list is open!
->Taglist is open!
#skz smut#stray kids#han jisung#han jisung smut#jisung smut#han jisung x reader#kpop smut#smut#han jisung fluff#skz#skz scenarios#skz imagines#skz x reader#straykids x reader#straykids#straykids imagines
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I completely agree with you in that there are many bad faith interpretations of tommy and buck and tommy’s relationship. I don’t know if this one I’m about to share would necessarily be a bad faith interpretation but I’d like your take on it. In the scene where buck comes out to eddie, eddie says to buck “this changes nothing between us” and buck responds with something along the lines of “uh good, that’s a relief”. I’ve seen a lot of people interpret buck’s facial expressions as not showing just relief but relief mixed disappointment because a part of buck wanted things to change between them, in the romantic sense, he just doesn’t realize it. I do agree that buck’s expression as he says the words is interesting but I don’t personally think it has anything to do with him harbouring romantic feelings for eddie. for me it felt like one of those moments where you dread the reaction for so long, that when you finally face the thing and open up, even if the other person’s reaction is positive, it takes a minute for you to really internalise it and let yourself believe it.
Another moment that people often talk about from this scene is reaction to buck saying he can’t stop thinking about tommy. People often say eddie’s facial expression shows some sort of disappointment but again, I don’t know if that’s it? again, it is an interesting expression so I get why people would pause and focus for a minute but to me, it reads as eddie searching for a moment to give his honest advice to buck in the scenario.
Anyway, I’d love your thoughts on those particular moments and how you see them. Again, I’m not saying that the interpretations people are making of that scene in relation to buddie are necessarily in bad faith. I know it’s fun to analyze and interpret scenes in ways that you enjoy and I’d never want people to stop doing that. I just feel like Oliver and Tim have been very clear in that they do not want to tell a story where a guy comes out and is in love with his best friend and if buck was truly disappointed in hearing eddie say nothing’s going to change between them post buck’s coming out, that would be a quite bold contradiction.
Hi anon!
I'm not sure if you actually meant to send this to me because I'm kind of the exact opposite of a person who engages in the practice of reverse-engineering actors' faces to find deep secret meanings that doesn't actually exist in the script. I think it's a slippery slop of a fan practice where if you go "haha he looks jealous here" and want to make it gay in your fantasy world and are capable of compartmentalizing that from the actual text, it's great! If you look at it like it's subtext that is meant to one day come to surface, as some sort of proof that this is not the actual story, you're either too deep in your world that you treat these characters like they have agencies and thoughts and feelings and are not, yknow, fictional - or that actors are making the conscious choice to layer their performances with breadcrumbs for a plot that doesn't exist at the time.
I've seen all these arguments with almost every scene this season. Eddie's face when Tommy enters the bachelor party. Buck's face when Bobby says Tommy is good for him. Bobby's face when he says Tommy is good for Buck. Eddie's smile when they enter the hospital room. Most of these are insignificant and the others have in-text explanation (Yeah, Bobby smiles weirdly in that scene. Guess what, he's kind of planning to kill himself). And like I said, if people want to read these in a pro-Buddie sense and go do fandom stuff with it, that's great. But we all know this fandom is taken over by the question of "will Buck and Eddie happen?" so everyone who's not even doing this in bad faith (I don't think all do) are looking at it in "does this support canon romantic Buddie?" lenses. So much of shipping Buddie is about speculating for the next episode, next season, next whatever that I think it's so easy to find yourself on that slippery slop where you fit every shot, face, editing choice to your interpretation. There's also the sunk cost fallacy at play here - once you do it for so long, it's hard to give up on the belief that it'll happen.
I think both Oliver and Ryan great actors - and that scene is one of my favorites in the season - but no, I don't think there's more to their faces than what they're given to play. Which is as all of them mentioned a billion times, a scene of a guy nervously coming out as queer to his best friend and receiving support. If I'm wrong and the rest of this fandom is right and the production/writers/showrunners are actually fully married to the idea of canon romantic Buddie but The Powers That Be are keeping gay Eddie in the closet as if he's a real person and they're the evil step-mother, and come S10 Buck realizes he's been in love with his bff all along, then yeah in-text, that would recontextualize all their performances. It still wouldn't change what the writers' intention has been with the text as it exists today or be proof that Oliver and Ryan are making acting choices for a hypothetical future SL.
#couldn't fit this in my answer but it's kind of bewildering to me how much of shipping in this fandom is about whether they'll become canon#i mean look at ao3 one of every three fics is a spec fic or a coda#ive been in many fandoms like fandoms with infamous queerbaiting and i dont remember the fandom practice being so solely dedicated to#whether the ship will become canon#instead of like this is kinda gay in the text well i will make it REALLY GAY in my fanfiction and having fun#also 'you' used as universal you here nonnie i agree with you#mimi talks#anti buddie#bucktommy#911
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Anonymous asked: I've been having trouble with having a long dialogue (or a character just talking in disconnected sentences) with a lot of action in the middle. I know the rules ("line break for new speaker," "keep quotes open for multi-paragraph dialogue") but am not sure how to apply in this case. I don't want to have a long block of text between dialogue and actions, but it's not a single running discourse:
"Yes, that should work," A said. (More action, description and maybe more dialogue from the same character goes here)
(A paragraph of description and action)
"And let's not do that ever again," character A said. (More non-dialogue text)
Actually, what you did above is pretty much it. Think of it as "line break for dialogue interspersed between exposition and action."
The one caveat is it's a good idea to make sure you clarify who is speaking if it would otherwise be unclear. Action tags can be especially helpful for this. What I like to do is read through just the dialogue in the scene, cutting out the action and exposition, to make sure the conversation still makes sense.
Happy writing!
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I’ve been writing seriously for over 30 years and love to share what I’ve learned. Have a writing question? My inbox is always open!
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You Kidnapped Me...Again!
Red Hood-Jason Todd/Female Reader
Hey guys! This is just a fun little one-shot I've been working on. Let me know what you think. Hope you enjoy! Just a reminder, my original works are cross-posted to AO3. Also general disclaimer, I own none of the characters used.
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I twist my head side to side in an attempt to relieve the pain in my neck. The detective to my left lets a loud snore, waking himself with the noise, and bolts upright.
"You good there, Johnson?" I ask with a smirk.
"Fuck off," the older man grumbles in reply. He turns and leans over the edge of the rooftop were sitting on. "Any movement yet?" he asks.
"Nope, nothing."
I hand him my binoculars and he takes a look for himself. "Who's CI brought this info in again?"
"Martin's," I grimace as I respond.
"Of course it's Martin's," he sighs. "How much do you want to bet he didn't even vet the info before passing it to the captain?
"I laugh in reply, "knowing Martin, I wouldn't take that bet.
"Silence falls over us again and I glance at my watch. "How much longer do you think they're going to keep us out here?"
"Captain seemed pretty determined so I'd guess it's going to be a long night" he leans forward, resting his weight on the ledge and pulls out a pack of cigarettes, placing one between his teeth and offering the pack to me. He lights both before turning back to the ledge. He glances over at me smirking "What's the hurry anyway, you got a hot date?"
I lightly shove his shoulder. "It's my anniversary, asshole."
He chuckles. "Oh yeah I guess it would be, that sucks. I hope you guys didn't have any big plans."
I take another drag of my cigarette and tap the ash out on the ledge. "Not really, but with our work schedules I feel like we haven't gotten to spend much time together lately."
"I know that feeling" he says with a sigh. "When I first made detective I don't think I saw Carla more than twice a week."
I wince. "And how long did that last?"
"Well I'm on the same last minute, all-night stakeout as you," he says, pointing out the obvious. I let out a groan and he just laughs in response. We finish our cigarettes in silence.
"So how are Carla and the gir-" my question is cut off by a loud bang from the street below.
"What the fuck was that?" I whisper urgently.
Johnson immediately begins searching the ground with the binoculars. "I don't see anything," he replies, continuing to search. Another bang rings out, those are definitely gunshots.
"We need to go down there," I say and Johnson nods in agreement.
We turn from the ledge and make our way down the fire escape, moving as silently as possible. As we descend I unholster my gun, keeping it ready if needed.
I stop walking as soon as we hit street level and scan the area. I listen for a few seconds before I make out the sound of footsteps coming from the alley across from us. I signal to Johnson and we being moving again, this time in the direction of the alley.
We both step into the darkness with our weapons drawn. Another gunshot sounds ahead and I swear its close enough to the see the muzzleflash from the shot. My heart leaps into my throat as Johnson and I both scramble to get to cover. The last shot didn't seem to be pointed in our direction but I wasn't stupid enough to stand out in the open in this situation.
I tuck myself into a door frame, leaning out to check for any possible threats, before concealing myself again. I press my arms against my chest, gun pointed up next to my head. I look for Johnson and see him in a smilar position further into the alley. He looks over at me from the safety of his doorway and I signal back that I'm okay. He nods and turns away to look down the alley.
A full minute passes in absolute silence and Johnson and I lock eyes again. He signals that he's going to move forward and I nod in understanding. He puts his hand up, telling me to wait. As he drops his hand in the signal to go we both step out into the alley. I see Johnson start to push forward and I move to follow him.
I freeze midstep. We're not alone.
I can sense someone standing right behind me but before I call out, a hand wraps around my face, covering my mouth. Another arm reaches around waist, pulling me back and pinning me againt my assailant's body. I try to fight him off but it makes no difference.
I see Johnson glance back and do a double take when he notices I'm not right behind him. He turns to see where I went and we lock eyes. At that moment the hand around my mouth is pulled away, allowing me to call out. Johnson sprints back in our direction but my attacker wraps his free arm around my chest, using both arms to lift me off the ground, and begins moving backwards far faster than should be possible.
I continue to thrash and shout, trying to break free. As we move I hear a vehicle approach and screech to a stop. There's the sound of a van door being slid open and I'm pulled into the vehicle. The door slams shut as the van takes off.
My attacker releases their hold on me just as I hear my radio crackle to life. "He took her Captain," I hear Johnson's breathless voice say "Red Hood's got Todd."
I freeze, still facing the door. Behind me I hear a metallic clasp being undone and the hiss of a helmet being removed. I turn to face him.
After a moment of silence he finally speaks "Surprise?" he says. He lifts his left arm, carding his fingers through his hair, and sheepishly smiles at me.
"Surprise? You kidnapped me!" I shout at my husband outraged.
"Yes, but-" he starts to argue but I interject.
"No buts, I told you no more kidnapping me."
Removing his hand from his hair he wags his left index finger in disagreement. "Technically you said I couldn't kidnap you for any more date nights. This is our anniversary, totally different." He says this like it's a logical argument.
I cross my arms and glare at him. I allow a few moments to pass in silence before I sigh in defeat, dropping my arms to my sides. "The precinct is going to catch on eventually, Jay. This is the fifth time." I say to him.
He leans forward and places a hand on my cheek. I can't help but lean into it. "I'm sorry, baby," he says softly, looking into my eyes. "I won't do it again. I just really missed you and I was looking forward to actually spending our anniversary together this year." The lights from the passing street lights reflects off his eyes, his thumb stroking my cheek.
"I missed you too," I tell him honestly.
Just then I hear a phone ring. Jason lets go of my face and leans back, reaching into the pocket of his cargo pants. He pulls out his cell phone and answers it, smirking at me.
"This is Jason," he answers casually. His smile widens as his eyes sparkle with humor.
"Commissionor Gordan, what can I do for you this evening?" I let out a groan, knowing how this is going to go. The caller responds but i cant make out what's said.
Jason sucks in a quick breath and responds "Oh no! What do you mean he took her again?" His tone is overly concered but he's still grinning at me playfully. I stick my tonuge out at him and he he raises an eyebrow in response.
When it's his turn to speak again he gets back into character, "He can't keep getting away with this. I'll be right there. Please, Commissioner, please find my wife." Another pause. "Thank you sir," and he hangs up.
I roll my eyes at his theatrics. "So what's the plan now?" I ask.
Jason leans over and opens the hatch separating the cabin from the rear of the van. "Hey Dick, pull over at the next corner."
"Will do Jay!" Dick cheerily calls back.
"Dick?" I ask surprised. "How did you get roped into this riduculous scheme?"
"That's easy. I'll do anything for the sake of love," he responds wistfully.
I let out a laugh. "Of course you will."
The van pulls over and Jason and I step out. I see Dick still sitting in the driver's seat with his police radio held up so he can speak into it. He gives me a thumbs up and shouts through the open window that he'll be out in a minute.
As I go to step away from the van I turn to tell Jason goodbye. As I turn he grabs my waist and pulls me flush aginst his body. His other hand tangles in my hair as he bends down, bringing his lips to mine. I wrap my arms around his neck, deepening the kiss. By the time he pulls away I'm out of breath.
"I love you, Mrs. Todd," he says quietly, our lips only inches apart.
"I love you too, Mr. Todd" I respond back with barely a whisper.
I hear the van door slam shut and reluctantly turn around. Jason keeps me in his arms adjusting to embrace me from behind. I feel him press a quick kiss to my hair before resting his chin on the top of my head. Dick walks around the front of the van to where Jason and I are waiting.
"Alright, so I radioed in and let disptach know that I found you after you escaped on foot. I told them that you seem uninjured but didn't go into detail about anything else. A squad car should be here in a few minutes to pick us up."
"Thanks Dick," I say.
"Yeah, thanks Dickiebird, Jason adds.
Dick tosses the van keys in our direction and Jason removes one arm from around me to reach up and catch them.
"You should probably not be here when they get here, Jay."
"Good point," Jason nods in agreement. He releases me and I step back, turning around to face him again. He gives me a quick kiss, still enough to still make me weak in the knees.
"Happy anniversary," he says with a smile. He turns and begins to walk away but stops and looks back.
"See you at the station," he calls back to me. "I'm sure you're too traumatized to continue working tonight," he adds with a wink before getting in the van.
"You're insane!" I call back to him with a laugh.
Not even a full minute after the van disappears from view I hear the familiar sound of police sirens approaching.
#jason todd#red hood#batfam#batman#dc comics#dc universe#dick grayson#fanfic#jason todd/reader#jason todd/oc
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when I look in the mirror I see your art. Idk how you were able to put a piece of a fat persons soul in your art, but you did. Iv never been able to see someones art in the mirror like I have with yours. Where fat people are drawn with the amount of love that you put in.
not me crying about ask on tumblr-
thank you qwq i am always so happy to receive feedback like that! then people see themselves in my art. or like here, my art in themselves?? that's smth new!
I choose my sphere of art to be representation, and goal to bring my part for shifting balance of media image of people, to realistic side, which celebrates the beauty of differences of our appearances
I have joke about it like "Being representative artist has pros and cons. Pros: you will never have artblock. Cons: you will never have artblock". Because there is sooooo soooo SOOOO much work here needs to be done. And i am sometimes worry that i will never be able to draw all i want, ideas i have in 26 are already would take all together more than 100 years. But then i see reactions like this, i think "oh! i've already done something! a lot actually!" and it calms me a bit. It's a honor to know that thing you do made positive impact, that you did your little part of making word a better place, more kind one.
And i guess the secret of Love in my art is my attitude?
I think Love is most important thing in life, i don't mean only romance but like, in general, Love for everything and in every form. Love for your partners, Love for friends, Love for thing you do, Love in cooking, for park near you home, for a frog plushi, for Life. My statement is Life itself is driven by Love, and, appearance of people is like flower field to me: everyone is Beautiful in their Uniqueness. I came long path and there is no ugliness as a concept in my mind at all now, and it gives me so much of inner freedom. And if about fat people - honestly how NOT to see beauty in fatness??? And it's so delightful to draw... Like, it is Love in these drawings because it is literally that i feel and projecting into screen. And like.
I follow one women on insta, her posts are absolutely Ethereal. Imagine that impressionists pastel drawings with cute cottage core dresses but it's videos with very big black women in this dresses running on grass, on that almost painting landscapes, like. Then i saw this i felt like my eyes were blessed, like, she is literal Goddes. And then i knew that she have some haters comments... like. It's just. I don't know how there are two so polar reactions on that. But i prefer my side. Because there is no better feeling than Love
#nwarrior777 thoughts#btw you don't have to do something epic to make world better and more kind#you can just be kind#just be just exist#it's enough#kinda get a bit overwhelmed by that ask not gona lie#will go make some food now
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Recently, I've been really struggling... I can't even open the caps of plastic bottles... My muscles are so weak that I can't even open potato chip bags... My body fat percentage is only 23.5... I feel like I'm really losing muscle... Maybe this is... too dangerous... So I'm going to train my muscles a little... and aim to become a slender macho guy! And...To those who say I'm fat, I'll say it right away... I don't look down on them or say back, but I want to be someone who can say, "I've worked so hard to get here!" in my lifetime...I am currently studying to pass the English Test, the Kanji Test, and the Computer Skills Test.I know how to use the letters, but I can't pronounce them properly... That's the saddest thing...
Today, my eyes look very dead... I feel that I am very tired... That's why... I really didn't intend to lose this much weight... I blame myself... But still, I believe that if I can go from this figure to a slim and muscular one... my body will look good... so I will do my best... And more than anything... these lightless eyes are my constant worry... I've always been the type that doesn't let light into my eyes... so that's really my biggest complex, so I don't like it.
I used to look like this, and was a little overweight...I was 42kg at the time...But now that I'm under that weight, I'm starting to feel a little scared of myself...I smile more than I used to, but...my eyes seem to be getting cloudier and cloudier...it makes me really sad...And what I'm proud of...is my beautiful skin! I moisturize and wash my face to avoid acne and the like...the fact that I don't have many of those is proof of my efforts! And...because I don't like fake photos...I use unedited ones.I always post photos... Thank you for putting up with such a long message! See you someday... (I'll draw the requested illustrations after the evening... I think I'll also do regular audio streams) That's how it was!
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Healing from spiritual psychosis—a survivor's journey from delusion and depression, to happiness and purpose as a practicing pagan.
❗❗This post may not be suitable for audiences under 18. TW: psychosis, mania, delusion, suid*dal ideation, ab*se, religious trauma, manipulation, and mental health struggles in general. Reader discretion is highly advised.❗❗
This one is gonna be long. As a disclaimer, this story is a highly interpersonal journey to me and unique to my experience. I absolutely do not speak for everyone who has experienced spiritual psychosis, and if you want to know more generally about spiritual psychosis, check out my post on spiritual psychosis, what it is, and how to recognize the signs.
To say that I have a crazy story would be an understatement. I kid you not, this will probably be the craziest, most roller-coaster thing you read this entire week. Buckle up, because we're going in.
By telling this story, I hope that I can both help to spread awareness of the dangers of spiritual psychosis, and that recovery is possible. My wish is that this post will help to comfort another person who is still in the healing process from spiritual psychosis, because you are not alone! It is possible to live a religious and spiritual life following a spiritual psychosis episode.
But I will be honest—it is a battle, a journey, and a fight. I was not practicing any religion for close to two years. It wasn't easy, healing isn't all sparkles and glitter, and this story does not go through a linear healing process. In fact, I've been brainstorming how to just format this post for weeks. I'm going to attempt to follow this story chronologically with titles separating different sections.
My background as an autistic military kid and my susceptibility to spiritual psychosis
I have always been fascinated in the occult and drawn to the unusual. As early as I could remember, I had a tendency to see my spirit guides in my rest; I would pray to wolf spirits; I was obsessed with astrology as soon as I learned about it; I would make potions and spells without knowing what I was doing. I was born with an inherent trust and fascination in the mystical—I am an open individual to new ideas, highly imaginative (I write fantasy, after all), and did not grow up in a hyper-religious household. My mom always assumed it was my creativity and imagination speaking in a strange way, but never seemed to be worried about curious religious beliefs when I was a child and teenager. In fact, my family didn't go to church. We were vaguely Christian, celebrating Easter and Christmas, but I was not grown up under a strict, "if you don't believe in God you're going to Hell."
I never grew up scared or fearful of the mystical or religious; I grew up under a highly scientific and militaristic background. I was a military kid. I moved every couple of years to a new place. This shaped my entire perception of the world around me, very quickly—I was an outsider, even from the very start. I was the new kid, the outcast, always feeling like I didn't belong and questioning where I belonged in the first place. I was extroverted, loud, and autistic as well, but since I grew up amongst non-stop change packing up my life and moving on every couple of years, I didn't experience any fear for change. This... created so many problems. That's a story for my therapist.
It created problems, though, specifically in my adaptability and trust. I have always known myself to be an outsider, and because of that, I was not afraid to view myself as an outsider in the religious world. Being a military kid was a massive factor in fueling my spiritual psychosis, because as a teenager, I was in desperate search for a purpose and a sense of family/community. I grew up without stability, and learned to create my own stability. This would be my ultimate downfall and greatest strength as I grew older.
The other major factor that set me up for susceptibility to spiritual psychosis were my disabilities. I learn quickly and deeply with my special interests. I jump from topic to topic with a massive amount of energy with my ADHD. I am prone to obsessions and wanting to check them, as I have lived with extremely severe (now-medicated) Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder my whole life. This, combined with growing up as a military kid, brewed the perfect storm to strike me down when I was a teenager.
How my spiritual psychosis began, and how deeply it impacted all parts of my life
When I was 14 years old, after living in a state for 4 years (the longest I'd ever lived anywhere and finally felt a sense of stability), my life was thrown for a massive loop when I had to move to an entirely different state and go into a high school with complete strangers. I'm not exaggerating when I say that was rough on me. My mental health rapidly declined after I moved states. I was stuck in a transitional period—while I was in a new high school with people I didn't know, I was still talking online to my friends in my previous state. It was gut-wrenching for me to see them having fun with each other in high school while I felt like a silhouette, back to being the autistic new kid amongst a massive school of thousands I didn't know. But this time, it was high school, full of cliques I couldn't fit in, and judgement for who I was.
At this time, I was communicating with one spirit guide in particular. I was still identifying as a Christian, but I had an animal spirit guide who I'd met before I even moved. I would do meditations routinely to ask for this spirit guide's advice and knowledge. I built trust with him (the guide) very quickly, as prior to moving, there was no reason for me not to trust this guide.
Literally mere months after I moved, I started slipping quickly into spiritual psychosis. When I had been previously su*cidal and chronically depressed, I suddenly entered a rapid mania and happiness to the point where I believed there was absolutely nothing wrong. I was placed on a new hormonal medication for my chronic disorder that made me even more susceptible to delusion due to the hormone. It began with the belief of twin flames; this was a coping method because A), I didn't like men and had a shit ton of internalized homophobia, and B), I thought my twin flame was one of my previous friends living in the other state. Another friend from said state affirmed this belief, unfortunately, and this would lead to a chaotic and fast borderline-schizophrenic downfall. Nothing is more dangerous than an outside force reassuring someone with OCD that their delusional obsession is real.
My spirit guide confirmed and reassured me that I was correct in my friend being my twin flame (this wasn't true). I began meditating every single night, as soon as I got home from school slipping into a trance to talk to my spirit guide. I then started to believe that I was a healer chosen by God, and that's why I met my twin flame so early in life. This cascaded into the belief that I received "visions" of my future with my "twin flame" (it was maladaptive daydreaming). Then I started to believe that I was talking to the spirits of my future children with my twin flame. Then I believed I was literally pregnant with an angel spirit, gave birth, and visited heaven. I was taking care of a ghost angel child every moment of my day. And then, catch this, after stopping my belief in that, I believed I was an angel living on earth sent to heal others. I was not at all existing in the real world.
This all was affirmed by my spirit guide at the time, even though it wasn't true, whatsoever. I literally built a spiritual family and world that loved me because I was lacking it in the physical. And it was encouraged by my spirit guide.
Sure, I was a band kid, and sure, I forced myself through my homework, but in my head, I was nowhere near the present, constantly dissociated and losing more and more sleep to meditations where I'd "travel" to the spiritual realm to talk to these "spirits" (again, it was maladaptive daydreaming, lol). This lasted over a course of six months while gradually worsening. To my parents, I looked like I was fine—it was all happening in my head, and I was highly isolated within my bedroom. I did appear to be happy. But if you look at pictures of me during this time, it is incredibly, terrifyingly visible how I was not occupying my physical body and the world around me.
Let's compare that photo of me in 2018 (16 years old) to a photo that was taken of me in 2023 (20 years old), happy and healthy post-healing from spiritual psychosis:
Notice the difference?
Directly after snapping out of spiritual psychosis, and being in a vulnerable state, I was taken advantage of.
This spiritual psychosis would dramatically crash down on a random Wednesday my sophomore year of high school. Both the friends that were related to my spiritual psychosis suddenly cut me off right before I realized it all wasn't real. I got off the medication that I was prescribed directly before my spiritual psychosis began. I woke up in the middle of the night with the sudden awareness that nothing I had experienced was real. It sent me into the worst depressive episode I've ever lived through. To this day, I struggle to describe to others the massive loss that I experienced when I snapped out of my mania. I quite literally grieved a family that I had built, my whole world, and my life got flipped upside down as everything I knew to be real was suddenly not. I was completely, totally alone, in a world that I was unfamiliar with, around people I hadn't known, in a body that I hadn't been in for months due to dissociation. It was the ultimate Tower moment. I had no idea who to talk to, how to ever trust myself ever again, let alone the intense guilt that suddenly plagued me from the sense of knowing that I hadn't found my twin flame, and I had been imagining sick and twisted fantasies of living my life with him.
I realized I was obsessive. I said goodbye to the spirit guide previously guiding me. I had a snow leopard guide for a few months, as I still connected with the idea of spirit guides, but strictly didn't allow her to tell me anything even remotely associated with religion. She was there for comfort, for guidance, and I will forever be thankful of this short-lived spirit guide's protection and care to help me to stay alive in my darkest night.
After stabilizing my mental health, I began to see a black wolf run alongside me in my dreams; the same black wolf I saw as a child. He was familiar, and I began to work with him. I immediately noticed a massive difference in how he communicated with me, versus how my spirit guide during my spiritual psychosis communicated with me. I began to learn healthy communication from spirit guides, and he would stay by my side even when I had no religious beliefs as I healed and reevaluated my entire morality and faith structure. I knew that he was a real spirit, and that I could trust him—he would tell me as it was, he wouldn't glorify, he would protect me from my own self. He was a voice of reason, and I understood quickly that he had been waiting for my previous spirit guide to depart to help walk me back to who I was before I experienced spiritual psychosis. He encouraged me to restart in college, follow my heart, and realize that high school was temporary.
And then I got a warning from him. The first time I'd ever received a warning from a spirit guide. A warning that told me I was about to be in deep, deep trouble.
I received my OCD diagnosis. I relied on my writing to escape, forced myself to try to make friends, but that was... unfortunate. I didn't know or understand how to make a good friend as a teenager; how could I, when I hadn't even been in my body for months? I'd only had friends in middle school, and I hadn't yet learned social dynamics as an autistic person. With all these factors, I was incredibly vulnerable. I was sadly taken advantage of by my abuser. I had maybe a six month gap in between spiritual psychosis and being forced into a relationship with an incredibly manipulative and life-threatening abuser. He would deliberately attack every aspect of my life that were already damaged and unsteady. I was nothing, and that is no exaggeration—I was only a writer knowing I wanted to survive solely so I would finish my book. Though I didn't slip back into spiritual psychosis, I was basically reduced to a body without a soul by this said individual as he had a plan to k*ll me. He'd get away with it morally, if I was worthless and better off dead, anyway.
And knowing that he was trying to make me nothing, I decided to fight. My spirit woke back up that day. I was suddenly alive again to survive.
So, yeah, I went through spiritual psychosis and then immediately got into a relationship with a psychopath with serial killer tendencies. I wish I was joking about that. That's my luck, y'all.
During this intense and severe trauma lasting over a year before I moved to college, I was protected by my black wolf spirit guide. He was a force of comfort, of wisdom, and I inherently understood in myself he wanted me to survive with my own strength. Not delusion; not escape; but instead the power within myself to stand up against my abuser, take hold of my life, and get out. He helped me in my discovery that I was a lesbian, and I would end up breaking up with my abuser for this reason.
I moved to college after about 6 months of healing at the end of high school from that previous situation. It was a massive restart, one that my wolf spirit guide led me to because of my newfound love for nature and its truthful guidance.
I had completely abandoned most of my spiritual and religious beliefs by the end of my senior year in high school. I fought out of my abusive relationship and stood back up, and with my anger and spirit reawakened, I decided I'd move for myself and get away from anything and everything that was connected to that damn state and my high school experience.
I instead learned to make friends when I moved to Colorado through nature and hiking. I began living my life authentically, healing my wounds through laughter and joy. I found my place in the trees, in the forests, by the river, in security. I switched my major to ecology and wrote poetry about the healing hand of nature itself. Though I wasn't religious, I would still do tarot readings with a new deck with my black wolf spirit guide. I trusted his wisdom, I trusted him not to guide me into delusion, as I understood he had been waiting for me to return to my childhood joy.
Quite literally, I found how to be a kid again. I found it in the Colorado snow, in a group of friends, in my autism/ADHD diagnosis. I fell in love; I fell out of love. I moved to Yellowstone National Park to honor my love for the wolf, and then last year to Alaska to become a naturalist. I got contracted by a literary agency for my writing. I went to a therapist every week for three years, working through each and every piece of trauma in high school. I got medicated for my OCD and ADHD and saw a massive improvement in symptoms. I found the divine in nature, began truly smiling, and healing my heart. I started to work out, became confident in my identities, and let go of labeling myself. I found my passion and purpose in teaching about nature's wonder and power. I started saving up and working toward getting a service dog to help with dissociation for my PTSD, and was successful. Each and every night, I'd work on reflecting through poetry. To this day, I have ~40,000 words of poetry documenting and detailing my healing journey, finding love within nature, and happiness in my own independence and self.
I spent an absurd amount of time not touching the mystical with a 10-foot pole, besides my one spirit guide, a deck of tarot cards, and sensing energies in nature itself. I found how to ground myself, how to balance my logic and emotion, how to discern daydreaming escapes from intuition. I redefined my intuition and how it felt. I completely separated from anything and everything to do with high school. It was critical to step away from my craft for a couple of years to fully rebuild who I was.
"So, was that really a spirit guide, then? How could I ever trust any spirit guide again?"
I struggled with this question for a very long time. I swung between wondering if that spirit guide was even real, or if I had made him up, too. I had experiences that I couldn't describe, and a spirit guide I trusted, and I would get confused and stumped.
I first learned to become thankful of that spirit guide during my psychosis. If I hadn't gone through that psychosis, I wouldn't have been alive. It was the only true way for me, at the time, to survive the circumstances I was in. My spirit guide was absolutely real, and he absolutely lied to me, too. But he did it to keep me alive, to allow me a glimpse of what I wanted—stability, strength, love, and family—in an unconventional way. It would motivate me to find my dream life. That spirit guide did what he knew best, and saved me. He understood that I was predispositioned to spiritual psychosis, and when I began slipping into it, he had a choice—he could either abandon me and leave me with absolutely nothing, or let me believe in what was making me happy and keeping me alive. And I said my thanks to this guide years later, but respectfully stated that I would never allow that sort of trickery and lies in my craft again, not when I understood myself, my purpose, and what happiness is to me.
Even later, I would learn that specific spirit guide was sent by Loki, one of the deities that has been guiding me for most of my life. At first, I was angry. I didn't want to talk to Loki, I was uncomfortable with the fact that he would do such a thing, but then I remembered that it was simply the only way to save my life, at the time, when I was already falling into psychosis without the guide's encouragement.
I further learned that my black wolf spirit guide, who had been with me as a child and left during my spiritual psychosis, could not be my guide at that time. Loki wanted me to trust this spirit guide. If my black wolf guide had been my guide at the time of my psychosis, I never would have trusted any sort of spirituality again, nor the wolf spirit that had been sent by my ancestors to protect me. His (wolf) purpose was to protect me, keep me safe, and guard me from delusion (rather that be my own or someone else's). Loki was forced to assign the not-wolf guide to me to keep me alive. Classic Loki, too, sacrificing the painful and deadly truth for the convenient lie. I respect Loki's decision, because I understand now.
Finding the divine in my life before and after psychosis: where are we now?
One of the toughest moves I would make would be listening to the energies of the deities calling to me. Loki would visit my dreams. I had been told by 3 different readers that Loki wanted to work with me. I had to learn how to even trust deities, as I could barely trust my own intuition considering how badly I slipped into psychosis before.
I started to see the divine before, and after, my psychosis, in the form of energy. Not the form that would talk to me and say things I didn't like; not the form that would invade my space; but instead the gentle energy surrounding me in moments where I was grounded and smiling.
I found Loki in my love and passion for storytelling. I found his essence lingering in the Alaskan rainforests, in the chaos of being a deckhand on the Pacific. I found his energy trailing in the form of the sheer chaos I've always lived in, in my deep desire for change. I found it in the laugher from others when I told stories, in the wild with orcas following our boats. I found his energy in my child self, prior to my psychosis, telling stories to my classmates and being my bold self, sticking out like a sore thumb but embracing it.
I found Aphrodite in my poetry, hidden in my heartbreak and deeply interwoven concept of romance. I found her in my love for the ocean as a child. I found her in the smiles of the first girl-friends that I had in my life, in going to a spa with them. I found her in my own sandy blonde hair, in my carefully-crafted prose surrounding a romance in my book.
I found my two wolf spirit familiars (previously, black wolf was my guide) in my excited passion over the wolf. In playing and having fun in nature. In family, in the understanding that I was never alone, and never could force myself to be alone. In the rain, in the trees, in my footsteps on dirt trails, in the smell of the river on a warm day. I felt their energies happily protecting me throughout my life, not forcing a belief onto me or immediately agreeing with one of my opinions, but instead protecting me and acting as holders of the truth.
I realized that my deities are not just new forces, but forces that have existed around me for longer than I can even remember. They are parts of me. I am a part of the universe, and so are they. I began to trust, understanding the signs and symptoms of spiritual psychosis. I recognized that not only was I much older, but medicated, stable, and happy. My spirituality wasn't centered around someone else, it was centered around my perception of the natural world and how special it was. I got into herbalism, deity worship, and at last stepped into who I wanted to be as a child. Not a delusional person in psychosis, but as a spiritual individual respecting my divine team and living my purpose of spreading the joy that nature brings.
What's the lesson to take from this?
The signs and symptoms of spiritual psychosis, and the recognition that anyone can experience spiritual psychosis. Also, that it wasn't all fake, and that the divine does have impact in all aspects of life.
You are never alone! Even if it feels like it, it will get better. You will find the strength, and though in one moment your life may feel worthless, healing is entirely possible.
It is possible to trust the divine again. Give yourself time. Let yourself heal. Ground. Find your truth, build your beliefs on the perception of reality. Do not be afraid to restart and run off to distant lands to heal—it works!
If you made it this far, thank you for reading this one hell of a story. I hope that this will help to inspire someone or reach someone who needs to hear it.
#witchblr#paganism#pagan witch#pagan community#eclectic pagan#hellenic witch#norse pagan#witchcraft#heathenry#lokean#familiar spirits#spirit work#animal spirit#spiritual awakening#spirituality#spiritual psychosis#psychosis#healing#healing journey#self healing#gratitude
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Top 10 Underrated Songs from Musicals (Sad Edition)
so I've been down a wormhole of YouTube rank videos of songs in musicals. And so many of them I disagree with - particularly the ones looking at the sad/evocative songs. So, I decided to make my own ranking of saddest songs in musicals, but I'm gonna try and avoid just posting the usual ones, the ones that I usually see in these videos and instead go for the ones that I WISH were included because they're SOOOOO good
I'm also very well aware that so many people are gonna disagree and argue with my choices (including Louise, who I did NOT run this post by 😂) so please - let me know which ones you think deserve more recognition!
(I don't know which order you're meant to do rank posts in so I'm gonna start with number 10 and lead up to number 1??)
10. That's What You Call A Dream (Bonnie & Clyde)
I have such a soft spot for songs in musicals that are about grief for a dead dream, grief for a life that they could have had - anyone who made it through my Outsiders post will probably know that. And that's exactly what this song is - even with the amount of death within the show, Bonnie and Clyde is not exactly what I'd call a sad musical? You know exactly what's going to happen from the start, and even while you root for the two of them, they're not exactly sympathetic characters.
Blanche, though, she is exactly that. I know some people don't like Blanche too much, and I could go on and on about how I disagree with that and also with the notion that her and Buck are only there for comic relief. But I won't, and I'll instead settle with saying that within the musical she is a reluctant participant within her own life because she is intrinsically tied to Buck because she loves him.
While the other characters have grand dreams of fame and fortune, Blanche dreams of the mundane - this song is all about how she just wants a normal, simple life with Buck. But even that simple life is out of her reach - at the time she first sings this song, they haven't yet rejoined Clyde, but she is becoming more and more aware even then (while they're living within the law) that they're never going to get the life she dreams of, because the police are never going to leave Buck alone because he has a criminal record, and even if he didn't, being related to Clyde is enough to cast suspicion on them at all times. Even so, Blanche loves Buck and sticks with him through everything - and then the reprise of it when Buck's dying, don't even get me STARTED on how beautifully sad it is.
9. Dear Bill (Operation Mincemeat)
I get the feeling that there's gonna be a slight trend in this list of songs in usually upbeat musicals that just come in and absolutely decimate me emotionally. "Dear Bill" is the ideal example of that - Operation Mincemeat as a show is so upbeat, so funny, so melodramatically unique, and all the songs are so enthusiastic and filled to the brim with jokes and word play.
And then there's "Dear Bill" - a ballad in the form of a love letter penned by Hester to their fictitious fallen soldier, drawing on her own past experiences of writing to Tom, her partner who died fighting in the First World War. She reflects on what it's like to be left behind in England while her partner is off fighting - updating him on the day-to-day things that have been going on since he died, rather than offering endless proclamations of love.
And then, midway through the song, she slips up. She forgets that she's not writing a false letter to their made-up soldier Bill, and instead addresses her lost love. The letter is becomes so full of anger and loss and heartbreak, and the audience is forced to remember that Hester was a real person, that the people in the show were all real and all felt this loss at some point or another. And Hester is so tired and angry at the war - "why did we meet in the middle of a war? what a silly thing for anyone to do", just longing for the war to be over, because this isn't even the first war she's lived through. Adding onto that is when Jean, who is listening to Hester writing this letter, later on brings up that line again (in Useful) - "I think that when people meet in the middle of a war, it feels like it means something more" and it's just this very beautiful moment of friendship between these two very different war-hardened women.
8. Lifeboat (Heathers)
Lifeboat is kinda similar in it being a shockingly sad song within an otherwise comedic show. I know that there are probably other, better songs within Heathers I could have listed, but Lifeboat has always stuck with me. The drop from her singing "the tiniest lifeboat with people I know" to her practically screaming "EVERYONE'S PUSHING, EVERYONE'S FIGHTING" is the kind of thing that haunts me when I try to sleep at night.
This is the song of a girl whose entire life has been flipped upside down. She is losing so many people who she loves, all because (from what she knows) they have decided to kill themselves. I know its a comedic line, but there's something so sad in her speech beforehand where she goes "I'm on the damn bus again because all my rides to school are DEAD".
Lifeboat is just this eruption of overwhelming emotion - sadness, confusion, anger, and above all this desperation to understand what's happening to her friends, it truly is a cry for help. Only for it to be used against her by one of her remaining best friends - Heather McNamara is not exactly a good person, but she is trying to be and she has just unburdened her insecurities (yes, in the completely wrong environment but she doesn't know any better) only to be told to kill herself. When I saw Heathers live, it was Lifeboat that brought me to tears - it was a musical that I had never cried at before, and maybe it was just that the actress I saw was incredible, but even so I think it's such an underrated song and one of the saddest musical tunes.
7. One to Seventeen (The Little Big Things)
okay I can't lie, before The Outsiders musical came out, The Little Big Things was the musical I was obsessed with - I've not seen it. I'm hopeful I'll be able to see it. I've read the autobiography, and I've seen the Olivier performance and I'm in love with all the cast.
And writing this list, there are so many songs from this soundtrack that I wanted to put on, but there's something about One to Seventeen that always brings me to tears. Just her absolute desperation, her pain at seeing her son growing up and his accident and I just can't even express it.
Also I just think that there aren't enough shows which show good parent/child relations and that's one thing that I love about The Little Big Things. And listening to One to Seventeen I just get so emotional and I wanna text my mum to like thank her for every thing she's ever done for me and like apologise for when she'd get calls from school saying I'd been hurt or something. Something about I dunno, that moment when you realise your parents are humans too? Like that's what this song feels like to me and it's so sad and beautiful and I love it
6. For Good (Wicked)
This is probably the one that cannot be labelled as "underrated", but also the one that no one's going to argue about it. As such, it needs the least explanation 😂
"I know I'm who I am today because of you" - what a BANGER of a line, just always makes me think of my best friend and how much I love her and miss her. I'm a sucker for friendships - give me friendship over romance any day.
Just the complete heartbreaking notion of being irreparably changed by someone who had originally been your enemy, and then having to realise that you're going to have to figure out how to live without them, but really they're always going to be with you just 🥺
5. Stay Gold (The Outsiders)
I'll be quick on this one, because if you want my full thoughts on Stay Gold I've made a whole other post about it 😂 - I'm obsessed with this show at the moment, and Sky Lakota-Lynch has just got absolutely no right to make me so emotional wit this song.
It's the "sixteen years" verse that gets me every time, just him realising that what he'd always dreamed about (having a family) was something that he'd actually had all along with the Greasers, and while the entire of the gang think that Johnny is the one member that they can't live without, Ponyboy is the one member that he can't live without.
And also the reference to the father who thanks him for saving the little girl and how he just truly thinks that the girl's life is worth more than his. Even typing it out gets me all emotional 🥲
4. I'll Be Here (Ordinary Days)
This is one of my absolute favourite musicals, and this FUCKING SONG has NO RIGHT to make me feel SO MUCH
It's essentially just a recap of Claire's relationship with her ex-husband who passed away. And it's such an important song because throughout the musical before this song, Claire is not exactly a likeable character - she seems kinda rude and standoffish. She doesn't seem to like her current boyfriend, Jason, at all, and the audience is left in the dark as for why?
I remember the first time listening to it and kind of wanting Jason to break up with her? I thought that she was treating him kinda bad for no reason? And then this FUCKING SONG comes along, and it breaks my heart every time I listen to it because she's so wracked with guilt and love and grief.
It's so rare, at least for me, that one song can change your entire perception of a character, but that's exactly what I'll Be Here does
3. Drink With Me (Les Miserables)
I think this is the one that most people are gonna be mad about. Don't get me wrong, I love and appreciate the other fucking depressing songs in Les Mis (i.e. most of them - I could write ESSAYS on Little People and Empty Chairs), Drink With Me will always be the one that makes me sob.
Louise will confirm but I've got a thing about drinking songs and letter songs. They always make me cry a little. There's something about the vulnerability of them paired with the relative simplicity of the music.
Drink With Me is just so powerful - it's entire point is to humanise Les Amis for the audience, to allow us to recognise that these revolutionaries (despite their larger-than-life appearance onstage) are just students. And this alongside the fact that we are introduced to Grantaire as being the drunkard and the cynic of the group, and yet it's not led by him? At some point I'm gonna make a whole post about the meaning of that 😂
But as well the fact that Enjolras doesn't contribute. At least in the productions that I've seen of it, Enjolras doesn't join in - while the rest of them are being humanised, Enjolras remains distant, he remains unreachable to his friends, to Grantaire who truly does idolise him (calling him Apollo, he is the only thing that Grantaire believes in), and it keeps him distant from the audience as well, it allows us to continue to view him as a martyr. But then there's Grantaire who, despite everything he says is afraid to die, and he just wants some inkling from Enjolras that their fearless leader feels the same - the "can it be you fear to die? [...] is your life just one more lie?" is the most desperate beg from Grantaire for Enjolras to confide in them and yeah, I don't know.
For me, Drink With Me is the song where it starts for me - I start crying here, and then don't stop until the end 😂
2. What Would I Do (Falsettos)
I think it's a travesty that Falsettos is almost never on those lists. It's a fucking work of art as a musical. Just so raw and painful and I've never watched it the whole way through without crying at least once.
So yeah, I was definitely torn for which Falsettos song to put in this list - Unlikely Lovers? You Gotta Die Sometime? so many good choices. But this does go back to the thing I said about having grief for a life that could have been.
And also, despite how hard their life together had been, knowing how hard it was to love each other, how painful and drawn-out their illnesses were going to be, the knowledge that Marvin doesn't regret it, that he knows that he would choose Whizzer every time?? That's my roman empire 😂
The fact as well that even in this monologue, he can't call Whizzer his boyfriend/partner, Marvin always calls him "my friend" just is so painful I don't know man
"Once I was told that good men get better with age. We're just gonna skip that stage" is just the most heartbreaking line ever - and the way that in the recording Christian Borle's voice breaks as he sings it will genuinely haunt me until the day I die
1. We Raise Our Cups (Hadestown)
Another musical that there are definitely so many options for "sad songs" - I wanna give "Flowers" an honourable mention because that's the one that really gets me, it's so beautiful.
But Louise and I saw Hadestown in the West End a couple of months ago now, and I had kinda forgotten that it ended with this song and I left the Lyric theatre in FLOODS of tears, and so for that alone I have to give it number 1 position 😂
I think it's partly with the staging on the West End, in "Living it Up on Top" when Orpheus says "to the world we dream of... and the one we live in now", there's a moment when the entire cast turns to the audience to raise their cups directly to them, and the finale with this song just took me right back to that moment and I lost it entirely.
Because I was forced to realise that when Orpheus said that at the start, that was an Orpheus who wouldn't have looked back, who had faith that the world could change, it could be kind to him. But now the Orpheus that they were singing about in "We Raise Our Cups" is hardened and more cynical and so of course he looks back
i just think it should be illegal to end it with this song and then expect you to get on the tube around London afterwards, okay? 😂
OKAY so that's my list - please let me know what your thoughts are as well - any that you agree with or disagree with? Or just your own rankings because I think I'm gonna come back to this in like a week and want to fight myself so... let me know 😂
Freddie 🐸
#broadway musicals#musical theatre#broadway#hadestown#falsettos#les mierables#ordinary days#the outsiders musical#wicked#wicked musical#the little big things#heathers#operation mincemeat#bonnie and clyde musical#we raise our cups#stay gold#drink with me#top ten#west end musicals#west end
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I disagree with Anon! I enjoy accompanying text, as not only is it cool to learn about your process, but I like getting to know the artists I follow. Also, it's your blog; how you post is entirely up to you, and if anyone doesn't like it, then they can unfollow.
Thank you I'm glad some people enjoy my commentary! ^^
I was thinking some of my posts had too much text long before I received that ask so it's not as if I was going to change the way I post just because one anon said so, don't worry. I am still going to explain my process and share my thoughts because I enjoy it and it is sometimes necessary, but I'll keep it more concise because I believe Anon is right in saying too much text can be detrimental.
When I first started posting I also felt the need to introduce myself a bit by adding commentary, but I've been around for a few months now so it's naturally not as necessary anymore.
Yes it's my blog and I'll post what I like, but I also want my work to get more exposure so there's a balance to find I guess. Of course I am not drawing only to get notes on Tumblr, but let's be honest it feels very rewarding when a post is well received and can be discouraging when it isn't, so I want to make sure I don't make it harder for myself by adding too much text.
Anyway, I haven't been posting a lot lately but I'm still out there drawing! I've been working hard on my dance animation and on another project, I hope to be back soon :)
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THE DREAM TEAM
#fate grand order#fgo jp#ryougi shiki#arcueid brunestud#arturia pendragon#You don't know how long I've been wanting to make this post#tsukihime#kara no kyoukai
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queer signalling: louis and harry living their beautiful queer lives, collected by me
since we must take note of our fellow queers when they signal that they are very much one of us, despite being closeted. since i've had a very very queer few years thanks to them, thanks to their signalling, thanks to them being brave.
(!! this list isn't exhaustive, and if i've forgotten your favorite, by all means let me know. there's always room for another edition. it's been a while since i made a compilation and felt there was a need of a new one on my blog. this one goes a few years back, since my last one dates from 2021 :'o. so yeah. here we go.)
harry in my policeman, playing a closeted queer man, based on the book that's long been one of his favorites. lauded by the director and co-stars for how well he portrayed this character, how well he understood.
harry wearing a green flower on his chest for the mp premiere, placing himself (once again) in the same line of history as oscar wilde.
louis's green flowers on his initial 28clothing jersey at the first afhf, which includes bonus roses and 28s all around
the entire late night talking mv bc!!!!!
louis's rainbow stage lights during sibwawc. he really did that. every single night.
the entire dazed magazine happening. “I’ve always tried to compartmentalise my personal life and my working life,” he explains. / “I have unlocked an ability to be myself completely, unapologetically,” he says with conviction." / “I think through my own sense of self and personal journey, I am realising that happiness isn’t this kind of end state.”
louis's gay exit songs: most notably 'ever fallen in love (with someone you shouldn't've)'
harry flirting with stanley tucci
louis and his gay ass tank tops !!! we must point it out !!!!!!
all along
harry kissing a pride flag during harry's house ono in nyc
rainbow flare during the btm mv
harry being gifted a mask of his own face at munich n2, which prompted him to say that he feels like he's wearing a mask sometimes
28 in a triangle for 28clothing!!!!!!!!
kit connor soft launching 28 clothing. a young actor starring in a queer coming-of-age series, who was forced to come out after being accused of queerbaiting. he was the first one, besides louis, to wear 28clothing
harry's grammy's speech "people like me" (which ppl sadly misunderstood), echoing what he's been saying on tour for years. this doesn't happen to people like him. if they only knew, right?
harry's freddie-inspired outfit for the grammy carpet (which also brought back his theme for clown/jester fits, like harryween 2021 n2. wonder why)
louis's merch graphic where a boy is trying to smash a glass ceiling
harry posing for david hockney, actual living legend, gay artist of the ages. "Styles seems to know how lucky he is, adding, with a tinge of disbelief: “I’m in awe of the man with enough one-liners for a lifetime.” As to what those one-liners might be? Styles and Hockney’s mutual silence on that question suggests that what happens in the studio, stays in the studio."
louis having suspicious visuals during back to you, the only visuals of that type on tour
harry's 2022 harryween outfit: dressed as danny (literally. he did that. he went grease on us.) but wearing sandy's jacket
louis at barricade aka held safely in the arms of strong security personnel
harry singing man, i feel like a woman and still the one with shania twain. while wearing a rainbow discoball jumpsuit (parallel with kacey musgraves wearing a rainbow dress to sing it with him years ago.)
louis's gay ass merch for the away from home festival
harry dressed in nina ricci by harris reed, an explicitly gender-fluid line. "At 18 I found myself living in london creating ruffle blouses, corsets, fabric flowers and flares from my kitchen floor (...). My creations at the time were met with nothing but criticism for being “too feminine” or “costume”, teachers said I should focus on “menswear” or “womenswear”. l remember it really wasn’t until I started dressing for myself and who I was that it all clicked. @harrystyles was my first ever client who embraced the fun, fluid and expressive clothing I was creating."
continuous bluegreening. to name a few: harry's werchter fit, all this time lights, satellite caps in two colors only, louis's smiley flickering bluegreen on tour in 2022, the james cordon shit, louis in uncasville. enjoy this post here
harry's snl shoot unseens: him as ariel
louis out in amsterdam at a gay bar
harry going to the women's only swimming pond (on a day it was open for men, but this is important to me okay)
harry's use of orchids in his visuals during 'she' during love on tour '23
the 'hairy mermaid' tour visuals
harry as a mermaid during the mfasr mv. as a supreme physical manifestation of harry as the mermaid he truly is inside. but in his true form he gets chopped up and consumed. literally
as it was mv and its parallels with the matrix, hints to harry as the woman with the red dress.
louis jumping up on barricade against the one spot where a pride flag was draped over it
oh yeah that exact same thing happened in 2022 too
harry forming a skirt with a pride flag in brasil after his pants ripped
that gay ass denim getup with the fur collar?? while wearing the fucking peace ring????
harry and phoebe breaking gender norms in the tpwk mv dance. no i'm not over it yet shut up
louis wearing a basquiat t-shirt, another famously queer artist joining the ranks
harry bought an actual genuine basquiat. flex
harry dressed in skirts for gucci
"happy pride! happy pride! 'tis the season! can you tell i'm relaxed?"
"isn't all of this sparkly bi music?"
satellite mv rainbow planet tshirt
louis's bigger than me promo where he's literally george michael like??? IM SORRY???????
harry kissing lewis capaldi at the brits
harry kissing nick kroll at the dwd premiere. lol
and... harry as friend of D O R O T H Y. sang over the rainbow. we all cried. especially me at this clip of harry glancing in relief at his band after over the rainbow.
#queer signalling#my posts#long post#anyways............. hmu if you have more bc i know there's more that i've forgotten but i didn't want to wait#but these were my personal highlights#this is for me more than anyone i know. i don't really know if anyone's really waiting on this#but i personally have been feeling like i gloss over a lot#and forget a lot#and minimise a lot for fear of making a big thing out of something small#but... then i make big things into something small.#which i hate#going through my archive just shows how fast an event passes by and i just stopped talking about it#ive complained about this many a time i know#anygays#for whoever wants to come scream with me <3#also i have left out some events that were too easily deniable and i didn't want to clutter the post#since what's actual tangibly real and straight from them is so insane already#also that gif is how i feel rn.#how i often feel tbh#i want to be braver again
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I don't know if anyone else feels this way but I think a big reason why I'm so chill about the changes made to the PJO show from the books is because I kind of look at each other as their own seperate canon.
Like, I read a lot of anime and manga, and anime adaptations have a huge habit for changing plot points for various reasons, and as a fan of said anime and manga, I've found that I can enjoy both versions of the same story even with the differences when I look at them as their own universe or canon. That's not to say I don't want them to be faithful or true to the source material, but if a scene or situation plays out differently for a logical or entertaining reason, than I can still appreciate that deviation from the manga even if I still like the other original version of that part more. And I can even like the reversal way if I feel an anime does something better than even the manga. But if I want to, I can look at certain moments as more canon than others because I got 2 different versions of that same scene or moment.
And, I don't know, I kind of apply that reasoning to the PJO series as well, mainly with the books, the show, and even the musical (not the movies put that right back where it came from). So far I'm loving the TV show, and while I miss some of the things they changed (like the pink poodle), this adaptation really is doing a great job with staying true to the heart and spirit of the original book that I personally am not even really bothered by the changes, especially when I remember that the books will always still be there with it's own version, or canon, of events.
Like, I will say 1 thing I adore in the books that isn't really in the show is the fact that a lot of Percy and Annabeth's "rivalry" during TLT has more to do with the rivalry between Poseidon and Athena. I just really like on how this adds a level of "forbidden friendship/love" to their relationship 'cause I personally eat the forbidden relationship trope up, especially when it's done well like with Percabeth.
Yet, even if this isn't really the reason percabeth have beef with each other in the show, I can still appreciate and enjoy that according to the show's canon, they have issues because they genuinely have problems with each other as actual people rather than their parents' rivalry, because at the end of the day, that's the PJO TV show canon, and I can always turn to the books for that version of Percabeth's "rivalry", as that is the PJO book canon.
Same goes for the characters too. I will always have and love my dark haired Percy and blond haired Annabeth in the books, but I can also welcome and love Walker's Percy and Leah's Annabeth from the show. And so far, they along with Aryan are KILLING IT as those characters.
I can love both versions of the characters.
I can love both versions of the same story.
I can look at both versions as they own seperate canon or mix them together if I so wish too (especially since both versions of PJO are written by the same guy)
And that's ok. The adaptation doesn't have to be a complete copy of the books. It doesn't have to have things play out eactly the same way. The characters don't have to look exactly the way they are described as in the books. And that's ok. I will still always have the books to love and appreciate, but I can also start to love and appreciate the new adaptation for it's new spin and twists to the same story that sets it apart as it's own canon while still staying true to the spirit of its predecessor.
Anyway, sorry if I'm not making a lot of sense. I just think the people complaining about the changes in the show are looking at it all the wrong way. The show has it's own canon just as the books have their own canon, or even the musical. At the end of the day, isn't that kind of cool to have different versions of the same story and characters? Doesn't it give you so many more options to look at the story in different ways that you can prefer or choose from? Doesn't it give you new versions of canon that you choose from? And really, as long as the PJO adaptation, or any adaptation for that matter, stays true to the heart and spirit of the original story and characters, do the changes made really matter?
#anyway sorry for the long post#I've just been seeing a lot of people complaining about the PJO making changes from the books and I thought I give my 2 cents#& I thought about how the show dies make enough changes to certain events or plotpoints that you could look at it as its own seperate canon#and how that actually is kind of cool as it gives us another version of the same story and characters#it's actually really neat to have different versions of the same story ya know#its like. if I ever want the Percabeth that has more of a 'forbidden relationship' thing going on. there's always the book canon to fall on#likewise if I want the percabeth where they're rivals because they have genuine issues w/ eachother. there's the TV show. ya know?#and if I want the Athena that I can at least somewhat believe might actually care for Annabeth. there's the book canon#whereas if I want the Athena I straight up wanna strangle from the getgo. I now got the TV show for that😊#same with the characters descriptions#I personally still imagine Percy and Annabeth as they are described in the books#but I am positvely loving Leah and Walker's portrayal of TV Percy and Annabeth so much. especially in these last few episodes.#and don't get me started on how much I love Aryan as Grover. he's the GOAT (literally🤭)#anyway thanks for coming to my ted talk#I just think its neat that Ive now got 2. even 3 versions of PJO canon that I can love together and individually at my disposal now#and I just think the people who are complaining about the show aren't seeing it that way and that's why they're whining about changes#like. chill guys. we still have the books. but now we also the show and musical to give us new versions of the same story and characters#and is that not amazing when you think about it?#percy jackson series#percy jackson and the olympians#percy jackson tv show#percy jackson#percy and annabeth#athena#annabeth chase#grover underwood#book vs show#percy jackson books#percy jackson musical#percabeth
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What are your thoughts on Squidbob tell me now
HI!!! i know you said now and it's been a few hours but we'll put it up to time zones. anyway, i was thinking about this ask and ultimately it's that quote from dan in that interview, right? "best friends, arch enemies, husbands, business partners, partners in crime, soul mates, just mates, who the fuck knows?"
obviously it's antagonistic, but on spongebob's part, it's unintentional (my knowledge is rusty, and i'm not fully caught up on spongebob, though i've seen a few squidbob moments from more recent eps) and when he does hurt squidward, he genuinely feels bad about it – when he picks up on it, at least. but, like, when squidward says spongebob has hurt his feelings or when it's really obvious, spongebob takes accountability and tries to right his wrong(s). even if that means making the situation worse, lol
AT THE SAME TIME, yes, squidward can really hurt spongebob and even enjoys seeing him hurt, but he understands when things have gone too far, and it seems to me like he doesn't just want to be in spongebob's good books for the sake of his reputation. take "fools in april" for example: squidward really hurts spongebob with his "prank" and it's a very public prank where people make clear their disapproval of his actions. of course, no one wants to be seen as the huge asshole, and squidward even says "it hurts, doesn't it?" to plankton when plankton becomes the most hated thing in bikini bottom. BUT when squidward apologises to spongebob, while he struggles, it's clear he wants to (he just physically can't) and he doesn't know everyone else is at spongebob's house. he genuinely just wants spongebob to like him again. (plus, he finds it humiliating when it's revealed other people are there – clearly, it's not about reputation)
the other obvious one is "dying for pie" where he puts spongebob's life in danger and realises he doesn't want to be responsible for spongebob's death nor does he really want spongebob to die at all.
it's also insanely cute to me that he's, like, as far as i know, the only one who calls spongebob "sponge" – i don't think i've heard any other character refer to spongebob like that . . . except maybe patrick? but i might be confusing it with a – you guessed it – squidbob scene.
also the way squidward's voice goes all soft when he calls "spongebob sponge" :') and how he's protective of spongebob too. like in "pizza delivery", when the customer is rude to spongebob and spongebob sobs, we can infer squidward KNOCKED THE GUY OUT!!!!! and he went back over to spongebob and reassured him that the customer was happy with the order and everything was ok :)
squidward also gets flustered when spongebob compliments him and spongebob likes it when squidward is having fun. i think deep down, they both genuinely care for each other, and they both want the other to be happy, they just have different ideas of happiness and aren't sure how to get them to align. there's really great potential there, and i personally love relationships like theirs where it's just so fucked and they're more prone for divorce but they keep remarrying anyway
sorry for this mostly focussing on squidward . . . spongebob is a bit more complicated to me bc he's a mix of childish and mature and you're never entirely sure when which facet will be more prominent. ultimately though i think they have the potential to balance each other out but still have a good time together (as in, they won't settle right into "BORED old married couple"). when i have more thoughts on spongebob's side of the relationship, i will let you know o7
i know this spawned from the "to be loved is to be changed" post tags, but for squidbob's part i feel i was mostly joking or i probably made a tblitbc comment while watching spongebob with my irl and i've forgotten why, LOL – let me think on it some more and let me watch more of the show, and i'll get back to you on that. :)
#oc#answered#anon#squidbob#sorry this is so long and probably an inaccurate assessment of their characters. i've thought on these things but i still always feel like#i'm just making stuff up as i go. i don't really know when i'll ever feel qualified to speak on anything other than yaoi – and i've been#into yaoi since i was a little girl (ever since i was a little girl i always knew i wanted to be a fujoshi) so. you know how it is#regardless i hope you enjoyed my response and i'm always down to talk about squidbob (and spongebob in general) with people ^_^#thanks for the ask luv!! <3#long post
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