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#I have anxiety! I'm already scared of men - I don't need to know how they kill women children and each other!!

buckyalpine · 6 months

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Fluff, domestic cuteness, more fluff, I know it’s not everyone’s thing but pleaseee hear me out; just imagine beeeefy paramedic Bucky taking care of you when you’re in labor. You’re ex decided to leave halfway, realizing he wasn’t ready to be a father when you were already midway through your pregnancy, not that he was much help in the first place. You managed all on your own, ready to bring your little baby into the world all by yourself which is exactly how you ended up in this situation.

You were so close to your due date, ready to pop at any moment but your cravings for a donut didn't cease so you waddled down to the corner coffee shop in hopes of getting something with double chocolate.

Everything was fine until another customer bumped into you, sending you tumbling to the floor. A sudden sharp searin pain began to radiate through the lower half of your belly making you cry out in pain and it didn't take long for a crowd to form, the number of shouting voices and concerned faces adding to your growing anxiety. Al elderly woman held you hand while you tried to hold back tears; you couldn't get up, still laying on the floor when the faint sound of an ambulance grew louder.

A firm voice cleared the path, 2 large men walking towards you, ushering the crowd away from you first. The one with brunette hair crouches over to you, giving you a comforting smile before asking you a few quick basic questions, all while neatly looking over you for any signs of a major injury.

“Up you go, mama” he lifted you up with 0 effort, carrying you carefully in his thick arms, laying you down gently onto the stretcher. A sudden contraction rips through you causing you to panic more while your on your way to the hospital but he takes your hand in his, giving it a squeeze.

"Hey, its okay, look at me doll, focus on me alright?" He continue to hold your hand while monitoring your heart rate and vitals, timing your contractions since they're happening closer and closer together. "I know it won't make the pain go away but how about I try and distract you, hm? My names James but you can call me Bucky" He threw you a wink while you tried your best to focus on the feel of his hand, calloused palms from lifting, yet soft and warm. You focused on his baby blue eyes and scruffy beard and sweet pink lips that curve into a half smile; no doubt he was a shy charmer.

As soon as the ambulance stops, you're whisked away to the delivery ward, poked and prodded by doctors again. None of this was part of the plan and the pain was getting worse.

"How's she doing" Bucky came by the ward on his break, curious about the sweet thing he helped earlier in the day; surely you had a partner of some sort but he couldn't help himself nonetheless. The doctor directed him to your room, his heart breaking seeing your tear streaked, terrified face.

"Everything alright, mama?" He knew you were scared, hell, he was scared himself just thinking about the situation. He rested his hand on top of yours, careful not to touch anywhere near needles. You'd been at this hospital for 2 hours already and you were still alone without another visitor in sight. "Is uh-anyone-do you want me to call anyone-

You shook your head, biting down on your lip to keep it from trembling, gripping onto him tighter. The pain was becoming unbearable, alerting the doctor and nurse to check on you again.

"She's gonna have to start pushing" You overheard the nurse as she spoke to the doctor, your heartrate racing more. Your panic stricken face wasn't missed by Bucky, still planted in his seat as if he had any business being there. He debated on if you felt comfortable with him there, ready to go or stay, whatever you needed.

"Doll, it's almost time, I can leave-

"Please-please don't go" You shakily cling onto his hand, now frozen in fear when you realize the moment is coming. The baby is almost here and you're alone. There's no one here to support you, no one here to-

"M'not going anywhere, I'm here, you're doin' great" Bucky let you squeeze his hand as tightly as you wanted, coaching you through your breathing while you were prepared to have the baby. "C'mon, push mama, you can do it, almost there"

You were in tears, sweating, crying, and Bucky couldn't help but find you beautiful. Not that he'd say that right then and there but there was something so raw and powerful in that moment, seeing you give yourself to bring in another life. He watched in awe as you fought with your body to push a human out of you.

"One more, just one more and your little one is here, you can do it doll, one last big push" He dabbed your forehead with a cool cloth, comforting you until you let out a final gasp, tiny screams filling the room. You fall back against the bed panting and he still holds your hand, gently rubbing your knuckles while giving you a proud smile.

"You did it, you did amazing mama"

After your baby boy is born, you still occasionally visit the hospital for checkups. You can't help the way your cheeks heat up every time you see Bucky, giving him a shy smile, lingering to talk to him longer than necessary every time you see him. You insisted on buying him and the rest of the paramedic crew coffee and donuts for helping you safely deliver your baby boy. Bucky blushes when you give him an extra donuts as a special thank you.

Each time he sees you, he likes you even more but he doesn't want to push his luck. Not when you're probably still trying to figure things out. Initially he's a little unsure, wanting to give you some space. He's also careful not to overstep any boundaries, making sure he's respectful.

Eventually he can't help himself.

He has to ask you out.

And he does.

3 years and a wedding later

You giggle watching your husband and son both press their heads against your swollen belly, whispering secrets to the little one growing inside as if you couldn't see them.

"Daddy, can she hear us?" Daniel asks with wide eyes, his little hands trying to feel the places where his baby sister was kicking.

"She can hear you baby, let her know you're gonna be her big brother" Bucky chuckled while Daniel continued to talk to your belly like he did every night ever since you found out you were pregnant.

"I can't wait to meet you" He hugs your tummy before crawling into Bucky's arms, ready to go to bed. Bucky takes him to his room, laying him down and tucking him in, pressing a kiss to his head before turning off the lights.

"Sleep tight little man"

"Night, daddy"

Your second pregnancy is nothing like your fist. Bucky is there by your side for every second of it. He takes time off work, cradling your belly so you don't have back pain. He reads up on books to take care of your cravings. He worships your changing body.

"Look at you, Mrs. Barnes" Bucky cooed, loving the way you filled out his Henley, your little belly stretching it while you pouted at him.

"I'm huge Bucky" you whined while he grinned, rubbing your tummy.

"S'cause you're carrying my baby, mama" He kissed your head, his large form scooping you up for some midday cuddles. He holds your close to his chest, excited over his growing family. You smile against his chest, closing your eyes while he rubs your back.

You're so happy you decided you wanted a donut.

1K notes · View notes

stardustdreams-andcaffeine · 2 years

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More | Bucky Barnes (Mob AU)

mob!bucky barnes x f!reader ✧ oneshot

Summary: You're the secretary to one of the most powerful mob bosses in the country, and that's what he was supposed to stay—your boss. The heart often has other plans. Now, you're in a race against time to save the life of James Barnes, the mob boss who has become so much more.

A/N: Longer one today, just as angsty as I'm used to. I write better with the more angst I do and you can't tell me any different. As always, let me know if you have any requests or comments because I love you all! Keep those dreams alive 🤍

Warnings: mob!bucky, vioence, angst, fluff throughout (because I'm really trying here), secretary!reader, mentions of past abuse in relationship, protective bucky

Word Count: 13,122

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I have to make it. I have to.

"Come on, come on, come on," I breathe out, drumming my nails nervously against my steering wheel and peering around the car in front of me.

He's not answering his phone. I have to make it in time.

I take my lip between my teeth, the anxiety in my chest only rising as each second ticks by. Finally I swear under my breath and swerve around the car before me, slamming the gas pedal to the floor. A chorus of honks rises around me but I don't care. All I know is that he's going to die.

My boss is going to die if I don't make it.

You may be wondering to yourself, how did a meagerly-paid secretary end up breaking traffic laws and nearly crashing her boss's brand new Tesla just to get to him in time? Why would I even bother? Why would his life be in danger in the first place?

Well, to understand that, I'm going to have to take you back to where my life of crime began.

If my mother ever heard I had a life of crime, she'd kill me herself, so let's keep this one between us.

|||

2 Years Prior

"I'm sorry sir, but you don't have an appointment and Mr. Barnes is full for today," I repeat, quickly losing my ever-bearing patience with the brash business man before me.

His eyes dart around my desk and to the office of my boss, CEO James Barnes. I've only worked here for a few months and yet being his personal secretary is proving more difficult than I imagined.

"Look sweetheart, just let me through and I won't take but a few minutes of his time," the man pushes, not even sparing me a glance as he walks around my desk. I shoot to my feet and step in his way, not hearing the office door open behind me.

"You can either see yourself out, or I can have someone help you. Either way, sir, you're not seeing Mr. Barnes today." I assert, my heart pounding and blood boiling in indignation.

If there's one thing I've learned in my time working in Corporate America, it's that most rich and powerful men think they're so far above the rest of the world that they're entitled to open doors wherever they go. Thankfully, my boss is one of the better ones.

Definitely better than this tool in front of me. I almost scoff in disbelief when the man goes to step around me again.

"You don't scare me, sweetheart. I'm just gonna-"

I step directly in front of his path, my eyes flashing with anger.

"Either you leave right now, or I'll personally make sure you'll never get a time slot with my boss. And it's Ms. Y/L/N, not sweetheart" I grit out, standing my ground and leveling my glare at the man.

"Who do you think you-"

I feel the warmth of his presence before he even says a word.

"Do you feel a need for career-suicide, or are you just incompetent?" A dark, rough voice sounds behind me, cutting off the business man.

As my boss steps beside me, the heat of his presence washes over me and I don't even need to look over to know that his menacing face is on display. I can see it's impact in the business man's sudden desire to leave.

"Uh, I-I am so sorry sir. I'll be on my way."

As he scurries to the elevator, I feel my cheeks heat as I look over at James. His dark hair is cut short but is left long enough to be perfectly messy. His bright blue eyes are already piercing into my exhausted ones.

"Sorry for the commotion, sir. I'll try to handle them quicker next time," I start, but my nerves are lessened by the slightly impressed look upon James' features.

"I've never seen you get angry before," my boss notes, making more heat crawl up my neck.

"Yeah well, I used to let everyone use me as their doormat, but I don't let people walk all over me anymore." I respond with half of a laugh. He hums at that, his eyes trained on me.

I break the contact first, turning around suddenly to my desk to avoid the way his eyes seem to burn the air between us to nothing.

"Miss Y/L/N, can I have a word with you in my office?" He speaks again after a few agonizing moments of silence. My hands freeze and I slowly turn around to find his gaze inquisitive.

"Of course, boss" I reply, clasping my hands together to hide the way they tremble slightly. James Barnes is quite possibly the most terrifying person I've ever met, and yet the more time I spend in this job the less he scares me.

When follow his gesture to walk before him to his office, he slips his hand to the small of my back as I enter and I swear my skin sets on fire. I hurry away from his touch and into a chair as fast as I can. There's a slight hint of amusement upon his features as he settles back in his massive chair, eying me from across the desk.

"Is...is everything alright, sir?" I question after a minute of the thick silence. He sits straighter at this, leaning his forearms on his desk and clasping his hands together.

"Do you have a criminal record, Miss Y/L/N?"

His question startles me so much that it takes me a moment to respond.

"I'm...sorry?" I question, not understanding where this is going.

"Anything at all," James continues as if I didn't say a word, "Petty theft, aggravated assault, murder-"

"Sir I definitely don't have a criminal record," I cut in, my heart beginning to increase in speed. James nods, his blue eyes pinning me to the spot.

"Good, that makes you unsuspecting," he states, only heightening my confusion, "In order for you to be of best use, not to mention safe, it's best if you know exactly what it is that I do."

I sit completely dumbstruck and left with no response at all. My mouth opens and closes as I search for words, but I can't seem to find any.

"You've got a backbone and you're an honest, hard worker. That, you've proven. And, against my better judgement," Barnes pauses, his gaze taking on a somewhat softer, almost vulnerable gaze, "I trust you, Y/N."

My heart leaps into my throat and something stirs within me when he says that...that word. Y/N. My name. He said my name for the first time since he hired me. I don't know why it has such an effect on me, but it does.

Before I can stop myself, I blurt "I trust you too."

I do? When did I make that decision? And why did I just say it out loud?

Something in my boss's face shifts at my words, but he masks it with his usual cool, calm demeanor. He sits again in silence for a moment, taking in me and my response before he nods.

"The business I run is more lucrative than what the surface shows. I need someone on my side on the surface level, an associate who can assist me in matters at this office."

"This office?" I repeat, my brows furrowing together as my heart begins to race again. What does he mean by lucrative? And why is there excitement bubbling in my gut?

What he says next would change my life forever.

"I'm the White Wolf, Y/N." my boss's low voice rumbles, his eyes bright and clear, "I'm the-"

"King of organized crime, ruler of the New York mob," I interrupt, my eyes wide and my entire being not comprehending what's happening. I should leave. I should quit this job and call the police and leave. I should be terrified. But there's something in those eyes...

What I say next would start that life of crime I mentioned earlier, and quite frankly I still don't fully understand where it came from within me.

"Sure," I simply say, and the shock that splays on James' face must mirror my own.

"Sure as in..." he trails off, waiting for me to elaborate and clarify what we both know I mean. I swallow down my nerves and go with the decision my entire head is screaming against but my entire gut yells louder for.

"I'm in," I say, this time with more confidence, "Like I said before, I trust you. And I get the feeling you'd kill me if I said no."

Humor traipses across his features as he sits back in his chair in surprise. He plays with the ring in his finger, nodding slightly to me.

"That went better than planned," he murmurs, and I don't know why but I feel like smiling. My entire body is buzzing and my head is swimming, but something deep inside of me is waking up.

I've been walked all over my entire life. That's just the way it's been. I didn't know the difference between being nice and being a doormat for people's convenience until I was well into my life. As much as I hate to admit it, there's something about James Barnes that I trust, there has been since the day I met him. I felt it pull deep in my soul and now, knowing what he does and who he is...

It's time I control my fate, time that I grab my destiny and force it into motion. It's time that I stop letting people walk all over me and be the person who has a voice and a say and...and power. I've heard of the White Wolf as long as he's been around. He may be ruthless but he is not cruel. He's always looked out for the city, taken the scum off the streets and done the things the politicians refuse to. I trust James. And something deep within me is shouting that this is right, that this my destiny, that this is the strings of fate pulling.

And I know when to listen.

"Welcome, Ms. Y/L/N," James announces, standing and keeping his gaze burning down on mine, "To the real business."

|||

Seven months later.

One night, about seven months after the conversation that absolutely changed my life, I'm working overtime in the office.

My hands are dug into my hair and my eyes droop closed. I release my hold on my hair to knock back the last of an energy drink, but the liquid has little effect. I desperately read through the computer screen, hoping to solve the legal entanglement before me.

James informed me when I came into work this morning that some over-righteous beat-cop was looking too much into the business we hide behind our Property Management company. I've been here all day long trying to figure out how to file all the necessary forms to make this disappear and seem a joke. That's taken longer than I expected, though, and at nearly midnight, James and I are still here working.

"God, this is awful," I groan, dropping my head to rest on my arms upon my desk, my forehead seeping in the cool of the wood. I hear my boss's office door open but don't even bother moving. Eventually, a soft laugh sounds that makes me drag my head up and look over to its origin.

"You look absolutely pitiful" James comments, his tired eyes dancing with a humor that seeps into my own features slowly. A small smile tugs at my lips as I sit up fully.

"Thanks, that's what I was going for," I quip sarcastically.

He coughs out a laugh that makes my chest tighten slightly and some of the exhaustion part. Over the months working for the White Wolf of crime, we've become...friends. Well, as close to friends as a mob boss and his secretary can get.

"Come on, let's take a break. We've been at this for too long, I don't even know how you can think straight," James mentions. I shake my head, blinking a few times before turning back to the computer screen.

"No, I've almost got this loophole figured out and we'll be golden if I can just-" I'm cut off abruptly by a strong, calloused hand gently gripping my chin and turning it up so I'm looking at James. My heart gallops suddenly and it takes every ounce of strength to keep my composure against the charge coursing through me.

"Y/N, take a break," he mumbles so soft that a shiver runs down my spine. We stay locked like that for a moment until I nod and pull myself out of his grip by standing.

"Alright" I murmur, breaking the tense, charged moment by pointing a finger at him.

"But if you bring out alcohol on the job, so help me James Barnes I'll turn you in to the police myself," I threaten emptily. He laughs genuinely this time, and it warms my spirit.

"Come on, doll. I've got an idea" he urges, walking out to the massive open save before my desk. I eye him warily and step to it, hoping that the sudden skittering and tripping of my heart at that nickname doesn't show. He's never called me anything but my name, before. Now, it's almost too easy to forget that I work for him.

"You might wanna take your heels off," he suggests, which only heightens my confusion. Nonetheless, I slip the footwear off and walk barefoot in my pant suit to my boss.

"Should I be concerned?" I ask, bringing another humored glint to those beautiful steel eyes.

"No," Barnes says simply, my eyes darting to his forearms as he rolls up the sleeves of his button-up, "I've actually been meaning to do this for a while. You're working for me in a very dangerous business, and although your involvement is kept a secret, I want you to be able to defend yourself if anything goes wrong."

His words settle over me heavily as I shrug my close-tailored suit jacket off and lay it on my desk. This is actually a smart idea. I sure don't want to be helpless should the time come and, lets be honest, it inevitably will.

"Okay," I reply, walking warily in front of my boss who's practically made of muscle, "Teach me."

Something dark floods his eyes that he blinks away quickly before holding his hands up in a fighting position, gesturing for me to do so. I oblige, putting my fists up in the best way I can. He walks over to me, slowly taking a few steps around my body to inspect my stance.

"Not bad," Barnes announces before stepping close to my side and placing those large hands against my torso and turning it slightly, "There, like that you can use the power you have against someone who might have a lot more than you."

His touch muddles my mind and I can't help but feel that his burning hands linger for a second longer than necessary before he steps away and back in front of me. Even as he does, I instantly feel like I'm missing something without his warmth. It's been that way since I began working here, though. Every little touch here and there has gotten me irrevocably addicted to the feel of him.

I'm so startled by the thought that it almost shows on my face. That train of thinking is...is highly unprofessional.

"Now, punch me" he orders. I hesitate, but don't lower my fists.

That's also unprofessional, and yet look at us.

"Are you sure?" I ask, and he simply nods. I shrug, "Alright then."

I throw the best punch I've got, but he dodges it easily and grabs my fist in his hand. Before I know what's happening, his leg hooks around my vulnerable one that I stepped with and he throws the momentum of my punch back at me so that I crash to the ground. I know that if he'd done that little move fully my back would've slammed into the ground along with my skull. Instead, he follows me to the ground and wraps an arm around my waist, breaking my fall and easing me to the ground as he hovers above me.

I know he means to say something, but words must die for him too when the all too small space between our bodies is realized. I can barely breathe and it's as if time itself has stopped. I watch his fingers flex on the floor by my head, almost as if he's going to reach out to me but chooses against it. All too soon, the moment is broken when James stands and extends a hand down to me. I take it and let him pull me up to standing, disappointment and relief mingling in my stomach.

"That move can save your life, especially against someone bigger than you." James says, a little bit more distantly than he was before.

I thank him quietly and watch him clear his throat and walk back to his office. He pauses when he reaches the door and looks back over at me.

"Y/N, I want you home in an hour tops." He orders. I nod, still slightly breathless.

"And if I stay longer?" I taunt, not even knowing where the words come from. He tilts his head at me, a challenging gaze taking over.

"Then I'll throw you over my shoulder and walk you out myself."

I almost think he means it from the mischief lingering in his gaze.

Sure enough, I go home an hour later.

|||

Five months later

It wasn't until about a year after I joined in on the mob business that I realized how well I was beginning to know James.

And how much more he was becoming to me.

"Y/N, can you get me-"

I cut off my boss by setting down two steaming coffee cups.

"Two triple espressos with low fat cream," I announce, before fishing the folder out from underneath my arm and setting it on the desk before him, "And the monthly finance report. The guys in finance weren't finished when I came by yesterday, so I made sure they had it done for this morning's meeting."

James stares up at me in shock for a moment. That shock is still lingering when he says, "And the meeting schedule?"

"Already in your computer, I emailed it to you last night. I also sent it out to everyone who's coming and made sure to tell Mr. Martinelli 10:30 instead of 11:00 so he arrives on time." I respond, clasping my hands before me and giving my boss a light smile.

"Oh," I exclaim, turning around suddenly and picking up the package I left by his door, "And this gift basket came with a heartfelt apology from Mr. Lankov. It did have an assortment of toffee-filled chocolates which I went ahead and removed for you."

Mr. Barnes reaches over and slides the basket I set down on his desk towards himself before looking up at me. He looks almost impressed, which is high praise enough.

"Will that be all, Mr. Barnes?" I ask when he just stares at me for another minute. I feel my entire body burning under his gaze and, as usual, the air is thick and palpable whenever we're in a room alone. His gaze hardens again into the cold, meticulous mob boss he is and he nods once

"That'll be all, thank you Ms. Y/L/N."

I nod and turn to walk out only to be stopped by his voice calling out to me again.

"Y/N?" James announces, making me turn to him again. I don't know what I expect him to say, but it certainly isn't what comes from him, "I think you are too close of a friend to be calling me James and Mr. Barnes by now."

My heart stutters, but I keep the emotion that surges from his words from splaying all across my face. He considers me a close friend, not just his secretary. When did it ever become more?

When did I ever convince myself it wasn't more.

"What would you like me to call you?" I ask, and the question seems all too formal. The corner of his lips tug up and the movement makes my stomach flip.

"Most of the people closest to me just call me Bucky," he informs, and a rush thrills my entire body as I nod and try to keep my smile small.

"If you need anything else let me know, Bucky." I reply, and something darkens in his gaze.

I'm frozen for another moment, his stare binding me to where I am. Phantom electricity skitters across my limbs and I realize how much I have to restrain myself from walking closer to him. It's almost as if he's the Earth and I'm the moon, caught in his gravity and unable to pull away, All at once I come to my senses and leave his office quicker than usual. I make sure the door is shut behind me before I press my back up against the cool surface.

My heart is pounding in my chest. That was too personal, that was all too personal and wildly unprofessional. Nothing that was said was but the way he looked at me, the way I melted in my spot at that gaze. It was all consuming, and I didn't think I could breathe in that room. He's a mob boss, my mob boss, and I'm his secretary. James...Bucky is naturally a brooding, intense sort of person so the way he looked at me wasn't unusual. The way my entire being reacted was.

And he's so much more than my boss, no matter how much I may try to ignore it.

As the day goes by, I try to rationalize it all. In the end, I know everything there is to know about him—what he likes and dislikes, his routines, his daily patterns. It's my job to, but he doesn't know that about me.

If he did he'd know that today is my...

I think that same thing over and over to comfort myself that everything is normal and okay, but it only just makes a part of me sink. It's almost as if the thought that I'm not more to him has the potential to break me.

You can only be broken by things that hold you.

I'm jarred from that thought when Bucky's voice sounds over my business phone speaker.

"Y/N, my office" He says simply, his voice holding that natural authority and sharp edge that it usually has.

I get up and am walking into his office moments later. Once I'm inside, I take notice that Bucky's hard at work on some document before him and doesn't even spare me a glance until the door clicks shut behind me. At this sound, he looks up and sets down his pen. He stands slowly and adjusts the cuffs of his suit jacket. That small movement sends my entire body into a downward spiral.

"You tried to hide something from me, Y/N," Bucky rumbles, and my stomach hits the floor.

I did? What did I try to hide?

"Sir, I'm not entirely sure what-"

My word die out as he stalks around his desk and up to me. My entire body is trembling, but not from fear, when he stops before me and stares at me so deeply that I feel like he's taken my heart straight from my chest with his bare hands. I'm not so sure he hasn't.

"It was a valiant effort, really," he muses, and I still have no idea what he's talking about, "But even if I only know you half as well as you know me, there was no way you could've hidden it."

My brows are furrowed when he finally reaches into his suit pocket and pulls out an envelope.

"Happy birthday, Y/N," My boss whispers, and the moment feels all too intimate as he hands me the envelope.

He knew it was my birthday. That thought sends a thrill through me that I wish I could forget. I look down at the envelope and back up at Bucky who stares at me with the hint of a genuine smile on his lips.

"You didn't have to..." I whisper, but he gives me a 'really' sort of look.

"You do everything for me, and I'm pretty sure my world would fall apart without you. Now open it."

That only makes my heart race harder and I can't keep away my smile as I open the envelope. Everything seems to fade away when I pull out what's inside. There's no card, just a single slip of paper. When I flip that paper over, I realize that I'm in love with him.

Because it's a round-trip ticket to Kinsale, Ireland. A place I mentioned only once months ago that I've always wanted to go to.

I look up at him, my eyes wide and already filling with tears that I refuse to let go.

"How did you know?" I breathe.

"You said it was one of your dreams to go, and it's hard to forget when you speak about something so passionately." Bucky's reply softer than I've ever heard him be.

I've seen him kill people, torture criminals, and threaten politicians. I've seen him command his mob and rule with certainty and ruthlessness. And yet here he is, giving me one of my dreams because I mentioned it once.

I love him. I know it then, and I don't think I'll ever escape it. I've loved before, but never has it felt like this. This is encompassing and devouring and scary. It's real and deep and world-shifting. How much in love I realize I am with him is the kind of love I never thought I'd get. And yet...

I know it's unprofessional, but I can't stop from stepping forward and getting on my tip toes to wrap my arms around his neck in a sudden hug. He freezes, and for a moment I wonder how long it's been since he's been hugged. Bucky gives in almost instantly and wraps his strong arms around my torso, tugging me closer to him. I decide in this moment that this is my favorite place to be. Kinsale might have been one of my dream places, but this, in his arms, has just as quickly topped the list.

All too quickly I realize the intimacy of this position and pull away, no matter how much it leaves me feeling cold and alone.

"Thank you," I whisper, clearing my throat and taking a step back, "No one's ever done anything like this for me before."

Bucky just stares at me with that all-encompassing gaze.

"Then they're all idiots," he murmurs, and my traitorous heart surges again.

This man is my boss. He's the most powerful person in this city and the last thing he'll do is care about someone as powerless as me. And yet...and yet, and yet, and yet. I can't stop.

|||

Eleven months later.

Eleven months later and I'm still just as totally screwed.

I can't stop the feelings that bubble through me, that take me over and encompass everything I am and hoped I could escape. I tried convincing myself he was nothing, tried to fall for someone else, anyone else, but I can't.

James Bucky Barnes is intoxicating in the most wonderful and awful way. And I can't quit him.

That's why I'm here at Angel's Fall, the bar every corporate associate and beat cop or detective in our slice of town finds themselves at after work. I haven't been in a while, not much liking the smell or taste of alcohol, but after spending nearly ten straight hours with Bucky that serve as a reminder that I'll never have him, I needed to take the edge off.

"Anything else I can get for you, babes?" The bartender asks as she takes a stop in front of me, giving me a friendly smile. I return the gesture and let out a long sigh, finishing out the last of my whiskey sour.

"Scotch, straight," I request, giving her a tired smile, "Thanks."

"Sure thing," she replies, instantly beginning to make my drink, "You seem like you've had a long day."

I scoff, running a hand through the hair that I freed from my low bun, "Long few months."

"That bad, huh? Well I'll keep these going till you say when, sweetie," she replies, sliding my drink to me. I give her another quiet thanks before she leaves to her job.

"Y/N? Y/N is that you?"

I furrow my brows, not putting the voice to a face. I turn towards the sound of the man to find him standing beside me. Once my eyes land on his features, my entire being runs cold. Instantly what little alcohol I had in my system sobers out and my blood freezes in my veins. It's as if I've been dunked in ice water and I find it hard to draw in breath.

"Ian. It's been ages" I comment, my voice thankfully not trembling like I expected it to be. Ian laughs before me, leaning on the bar and drinking me in with his eyes. I squirm under his gaze, which only serves to make me uncomfortable.

"Damn right," he comments, smirking at me lazily with that smile that wrecked my life nearly three years ago, "I've missed you, baby."

I bristle at the nickname, my heart flinching even if my body doesn't. I know he's probably missed me, I had to move to a new state to escape him the first time. I thought I'd done good, too. I'd gotten settled here for a while and then worked my way up to a job at Bucky's company. The past almost two years in Bucky's business have been so good for me that I almost forgot my life before it, the reason why I was so ready to take on the life of organized crime.

The reason stands before me, proof that our demons never die. They just hide away until we're vulnerable again.

"What are you doing in New York?" I ask, trying to make polite small talk and avoid the obvious elephant in the room.

The elephant being that the last time I saw him, I smashed a lamp over his head before I scrambled out of his apartment and to the nearest cab that whisked me far far away, leaving behind all of my belongings except for a wad of twenties and my cellphone.

"I got a transfer to a firm a few blocks from here not too long ago. God, you look great Y/N," Ian averts. He says my name again, almost as if he can't believe I'm standing before him. I nod, wringing my wrists and shoving my forgotten drink away from me.

"That's great, Ian." I keep it simple, knowing that if I talk too much I'll lose myself again. I spend my mental energy searching the thickening crowd of people for a way out. I even consider signaling the bartender that I need an escape.

I'm barred from my thoughts when his hand, a hand I'll never forget, skims over my arm. I jerk my attention back to him, ripping my arm away from him as fast as I can and taking a step back.

"Woah, calm down baby. No need to be so jumpy" Ian placates, that same easy, manipulative smile that would bring me crawling right back to him every time stretching across his features. It makes my blood turn to ice and my stomach roil.

"Do not touch me," I command, surprised at the strength in my tone. It's a strength I didn't have before I got this job, "You lost that right long ago."

Ian's shock is not easily hidden. He realizes in that instant that I'm not the same girl I was three years ago when he broke me and used me and ruled my emotions. I've grown and gotten stronger because someone saw the potential in me to handle power with ease, to be a part of something bigger and stronger than anything I'd been in before. It may shatter me to be around Bucky every day, but he still saved my life in ways he'll never know.

I used to see the world as good and evil, black and white. Now, after my work in the mafia, I know it's gray. There's evil in the good and good in the evil. No one is ever truly both, and sometimes the ones you think are the villains are truly the heroes.

"I-" Ian cuts himself off with a surprised laugh, his eyes incredulous upon me, "I'm sorry, when did you convince yourself of that lie?"

"What lie?" I grit out, and I almost slap myself for indulging him. I'm quickly unhinging, though, and I know that if I stay in this conversation much longer I'll break back into a remnant of who I was. I try to swallow my bile at the thought. I refuse to do that.

"The lie that you're strong. The lie that you can survive in your own, the lie that you'll be anything or anyone without me," Ian seethes, his words sickly sweet like unsuspecting poison. His words cut me so deep that I almost shatter right there as old wounds I thought had scarred over rip open. Instead, I remind myself of the strength and control I've garnered these last two years working for Bucky Barnes.

And then I slap my ex so hard across the face that my hand stings.

"I am not some helpless little girl that's still in love with you," I grit out, my tone sharper than I've ever heard it before, "You broke me once, you are not going to do it again."

His shocked eyes are so wide upon me that I almost don't register his hand raising to strike me back until my head whips hard to the side and pain explodes across my cheek. When I snap my gaze back to him, my eyes brimming with tears of rage and instability, I see him open his mouth to say something. His words don't make it out.

Not before the crowd of patrons splits and a hand closes around Ian's throat so fast and with such force that his back is slammed into the bar.

Oh, I must've forgotten to mention this before. The Angel's Fall is one of the bars the White Wolf owns.

And here the wolf is himself.

I'm so shocked by Bucky's sudden intrusion that I'm left speechless as his grip tightens on Ian's throat and he brings his face that's flooded with an icy rage close to Ian's clearly terrified one. No one lifts a finger to protest or stop my boss, because they all know who this place belongs to.

"You touch her again and I'll kill you," Bucky growls lowly, and Ian is smart enough to believe him as he nods quickly.

Something warm and bright twists in my chest at his words, even when I know any normal person would be screaming or calling the cops. I've never seen Bucky like this before, not about me at least. About his business, sure. But not me.

"When I let go, you're going to leave this bar and this city," my boss commands, his tone leaving no room for negotiation, "If I ever see you again, I will not hesitate to slit your throat."

Ian whimpers, a sound that I hadn't realized would bring me so much wicked joy, a sound that satisfies the thirst for vengeance that I hadn't even realized I held.

"Now, thank me for my mercy and apologize to Ms. Y/L/N," Bucky orders, his grip loosening enough on Ian's airways to let him gasp out the commanded words.

Once he does, Bucky lets him go. His hand isn't off of Ian's neck for two seconds before my ex-boyfriend is scurrying out of the bar. The noises resume as usual, everyone carrying on as if a man's life was not just threatened. Bucky turns his gaze, still filled with that icy rage, towards me and it softens in a way that melts me.

"Are you okay?" He asks.

I avoid the question completely, hoping he'll forget to inquire about it again.

"Thanks for that," I manage out, ignoring the burning of my now very tender cheek, "I honestly thought I had it under control but then I just had to go and slap him."

"That gives him no right to lay a hand on you," Bucky asserts, taking a step closer to me and running a gentle, calloused hand over my hurt cheek. The simple motion sends electricity surging through my entire body and I somehow feel empty when he clenches his jaw and drops his hand.

"You didn't answer my question. Are you okay?" Bucky asks again, not taking a step back.

My heart is pounding and my body is overrun with so many different emotions that I don't know what to focus on or how to stop it all. I may be looking directly into those steel blue eyes, but I'm miles and years away. Memories of Ian and a version of me I often try to forget flash through my mind and I can't stop them.

"Who said you could parade yourself around like a whore when you are mine?" Ian growls out, making me flinch back and wrap an arm around my torso.

"I-I'm sorry, I didn't mean to-"

My head whips to the side with the force of his hand. The sting sets in with the silence for a few moments, suffocating me and drowning me in my own pain. Then I hear him sigh and walk up to me, his hands now gentle as he turns my face up to his.

"Baby, I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry, baby. I didn't mean to do that, can you forgive me?" His words are sweet and his eyes genuinely sad. I look up at him warily and almost pull away when that breathtaking smile tugs onto his lips.

"For me, baby? I promise I'll never lay a hand on you again. I don't deserve you"

"Okay" I whisper, letting him kiss my lips and then the cheek that he'd hit again and again and again and as long as I'd keep forgiving him.

I don't even realize I'm not at the bar anymore until there's a soft click of a door behind me and I register a warm, strong hand encasing my own as Bucky leads me into what looks to be an office in the back of the bar.

I hadn't even realized I'd zoned out. I haven't done that in...in a very long time.

He lets go of my hand only to capture my face in his surprisingly gentle hold. When my eyes meet his, everything seems to quiet in the blue of his irises. Still, my mind is aching to send me back to three years ago, to broken bottles and shattered hearts patched with false kisses and pretty words.

"You're safe," Bucky assures, his face softer than I've ever seen it, "You're safe and you're here. I don't know where you went just now but I need you to come back to me, okay?"

Bucky's soothing voice brings me back to reality and grounds me to the moment until all that's left is this room and him and me.

"That's it, there you go, doll. Stay right here with me," he breathes, making my heart flutter. We stand in silence like that for a few moments that stretch for eternity, with his thumbs running across my cheeks until the consciousness returns to my gaze.

"You gonna tell me what happened?" Bucky asks, taking a step back and pulling his hands from my face. I almost make a noise of protest at the loss of contact, but stop myself. Instead, I just shrug.

"It was nothing, really. Just an ex of mine who doesn't know boundaries," I respond, but I can tell that he doesn't buy a word of it.

Bucky takes a slow step towards me again. This time when I tilt my head up to keep his gaze, something tender and almost tangible crackles in the air between us, tugging and pulling and yanking us together. In the steel of his eyes is a dichotomy of emotions, ranging from a breaking softness to a stifled rage that I don't think is directed at me. It sends shivers racing down my spine.

"Y/N," he starts, and my knees almost turn weak at that one utterance, "I think you're not telling me because you know what I'll do. But I need you to understand something before you leave this room and we go back to our daily routine."

One of his hands hooks under my chin, and his thumb grazes ever so lightly over my lip and so swiftly that I almost think I imagined it.

"I don't care who I have to kill or what I have to do. I will do anything if it means protecting you. Anything." He vows, that rage still lit in his eyes. But when I look closer, it seems to be fueled by something so much deeper, so much richer.

I don't know why the words slip past my lips but it does before my mind can stop them.

"Ian manipulated me for years," my voice is trembling and unsure and so unlike every other time I've spoken with him, "He'd use me as his punching bag and then cry on his knees for me. I was stupid then, I always came crawling back. It wasn't until this job that I learned to stand up for myself."

Bucky's entire body is as rigid as a board and I know that look in his eyes. It's the look that appears when he grows unhinged and closer to losing himself to the rage and carnal violence. His jaw clenches and he seems to compose himself.

"What do you want me to do to him?"

It's a simple question, but in his eyes I can see what Bucky wants to do. I can see it as clear as day and it sets my entire being on fire. I choke up, though, because as much as I want to open my mouth and ask for him to kill him, I can't seem to. He sees my hesitancy and nods, taking a step back from me and adjusting his suit.

"Just let me know, Y/N," Bucky states, sounding more professional again as he turns and heads towards his office door.

A sudden sense of urgency overtakes me and I dart forward, grabbing a gentle but insistent hold of his arm that makes Bucky freeze and turn back to me. His arm is in my grasp and I realize that I'm holding on to it for a sense of stability as I try to get the words out. I think he realizes it too because Bucky lets me hold his arm, his eyes boring into mine and that professionalism dropping for a moment. I open my mouth, but close it again, my entire being trembling as flashes of every horror I endured with Ian overtake me.

"I want him gone," I finally manage out, my voice barely more than a whisper, "Please,"

Bucky's eyes search my face for a moment before a certain softness overtakes his gaze. I can see in his eyes that he knows exactly what I mean, even if I can't say the words out loud. He pulls his arm from my grasp only to take a hold of my hand and bring it to his lips. My heart nearly explodes from my chest when he places a kiss to the top of my hand. My skin is ignited where his lips touched it and I almost can't think straight.

God, I'm so in love him. I love him so much it hurts.

"Done." Bucky vows, his eyes never leaving mine.

Ian's mutilated body turned up in an alleyway the next morning.

|||

Two weeks later

I don't know how everything could have gone so wrong only a few weeks later. It all just happened so fast.

"Yes sir, the catering should arrive about 7:00 pm...yes sir, thank you sir. See you then,"

Once the phone is hung up, I take the pen from behind my ear and check off the catering company from my list of gala preparations. In just a few days, the company is going to be holding its annual Employee and Beneficiary Gala. My last few days have been consumed with making sure it runs seamlessly.

"Excuse me, miss. I have a 3:15 with Mr. Barnes." A man's voice I don't recognize calls out to me.

I look up from my paper, smiling warm at the business man who stands before me. My smile falls slightly when I see that he doesn't seem all too happy at the moment, but I set it aside.

"Yes, Mr..." I pause, looking over at my computer screen and scanning for his name, "Stark?"

"That's me." Mr. Stark responds.

"Alright. I'll let Mr. Barnes know that you're here and you should be right in," I inform, giving the man a polite nod before calling Bucky. While I inform him that his appointment is here, I can't help the uneasiness in my chest at Mr. Stark's grave expression.

"You can go on in," I inform once I get off the phone, giving the man a quick smile before turning back to my work, my entire being crawling for some reason.

The meeting's normal for the first few minutes, but pretty quickly their voices begin to raise.

"You need to be careful, Barnes! Pierce and his men are looking for any in to attack our organization."

Alexander Pierce, that's the boss of Bucky's largest rival—Hydra.

"Trust me, Stark. I am careful and perfectly capable of taking care of my business." Bucky grits back. I lift my hands off my keyboard, my attention slipping to listening to the words.

"No, you're not, you're being reckless. You're getting too close and you know it! She is a weakness!" Stark practically shouts. I hear a sudden screech of chair legs on the floor and a brief silence.

Whatever is said next is too hushed for me to hear, but I'm able to catch the last few words.

"I'll take care of it. You know I will," Bucky says, and the office door opens.

"I know you will, buddy. I just needed to get you there," Stark replies, shaking Bucky's hand before turning and walking past my desk without so much of a glance.

"Have a nice day to you too," I whisper beneath my breath.

"Ms. Y/L/N, my office" Bucky says abruptly from his office. His tone seems...almost cold, unfeeling. And he called me Ms. Y/L/N.

With furrowed brows, I get up and make my way into his office, closing the door behind me per his request. I settle down in one of the chairs before his massive desk, an inexplicable worry washing over me. Nonetheless, I ignore the feeling and carry on as normal. Thinking this to be one of the many previous briefings we've had on the gala, I begin to give him my report.

"The catering company is all set for Saturday as is the decorating committee and half-orchestra. All that's left is to-"

"I'm letting you go." Bucky interrupts suddenly, his voice so nonchalant and his gaze so flippantly down on the papers before him that I almost don't register his words.

As in...he's...firing me?

"I'm...sorry?" I question, to which his jaw clenches tightly.

"You are formerly fired, Ms. Y/L/N. Effective immediately," Bucky clarifies, and it feels as though the floor's been ripped out from underneath me.

I can barely breathe let alone hear over the sudden roaring in my ears. He's firing me, after all this time?

"Bucky, I don't-"

"Sir," he interrupts, finally snapping his gaze up to mine. His tone and glare are so ferocious that I almost think he'll pull a gun on me anytime soon.

That one simple correction makes my heart shatter. He hasn't been 'sir' in I don't even know how long. And the way he's looking at me right now...it's almost like he couldn't loathe anyone more in the moment. Like he doesn't even know me. Like he didn't just kill a man for me.

Like he didn't let me fall in love with him.

Tears burn my eyes as I steel my face and straighten up in the chair, clenching my hands so hard together in my lap that they turn white.

"Sir," the word is bitter on my tongue and I feel sick to my stomach more so than I ever have, "May I ask why?"

"Your work is sloppy and your intentions with my business, both legal and not, are undecipherable. I have decided that the best intention for me and my business is to part ways irrevocably with you, Ms. Y/L/N."

It takes everything within me to not let my mouth drop open in shock. The hurt that flashes through me is so piercing and raw and real that it arrests my chest. I can't...I don't know what I did wrong.

"You're just going to let me walk away," I breathe, my jaw clenched tightly, "With everything I know about you and your mob. You've killed people for less."

His cold, calculating eyes study me for a minute before he leans back in his chair, his features the picture of nonchalance.

"You won't tell anyone. You and I both know I wouldn't hesitate to kill everyone you love and then you." Bucky informs blatantly.

That's when my heart splinters. Because I can see in his eyes that he means every single word. Emotion blocks my throat as I simply stare back at him, no longer working to hide my shock or pain. I nod once and I stand, smoothing out my silk blouse.

"I've lost everyone I love, you're out of luck there."

The lie burns so strongly on my tongue that it nearly makes me physically sick. I say it to make it true, to trick my mind and heart into believing it. I should hate him. I should loathe him with every fiber of my being. But I just...can't.

With tears that I refuse to let fall swimming in my eyes, I stare down at the man who changed my life, who stole my heart and is now breaking it.

"Whatever it is that you've been relentlessly pursuing these past years, whether it's power or money or blood," I whisper, not daring to bring my voice above it for fear that it will shake, "I hope you find it."

Bucky's gaze bores into mine, something unreadable that's nearly akin to conflict flashing through his eyes. Without a word, I turn and leave, stopping only at my desk to grab my things before leaving. Leaving this office, leaving the mob, leaving him.

And as I drive home with silent tears streaking down my cheeks, I can't ignore the gaping, pain-filled hole in my heart. I hadn't realized how much I needed that business, that man. But I have to move on. I have to.

And yet, I have this awful feeling that I'm not going to be able to.

|||

A few days later

It's the day of the gala, and it's all I can do to keep myself composed.

I've been an emotional wreck the last few days, and as much as I've tried to deny it I can't any longer. I'm in love with Barnes, I have been for a while and as bad as I want it to, it's not just going to go away. Losing the job was like losing Bucky, and I hadn't realized how much I leaned on him until he was ripped away.

"Oh come on, you stupid computer," I grumble, shoving my laptop aside as it launches into an update I didn't ask for.

When I woke up today, I decided it was time I start looking for another job. No matter how much it hurts, I have to move on if I have any chance of continuing on with my life. I was job searching when this piece of junk laptop started to reboot.

My attention is glued to my television and the show I have playing while I wait for my laptop to finish the update. I get so engrossed in the show that I almost miss it when the screen goes bright and it turns back on.

"Finally," I breathe, pulling it back to me and typing in my password.

As soon as it opens to my desktop, my laptop begins to pop up a bunch of random windows from my most used apps, just like it usually does whenever it's powered down and back up suddenly. I close them out with mild irritation, but freeze when my spreadsheet window opens up, displaying the spreadsheet I was working on last.

The guest list for the gala.

My heart stutters. I'd done so good all of today avoiding thoughts of the event only for my stupid laptop to bring it to the forefront of my mind. My heart wrenches as I can't stop myself from scrolling briefly through the list of invited guests. Near the end, I notice my name and stifle the sudden rise of emotions that inundate me.

With hasty, almost frantic fingers, I rush to delete my name from the sheet. Before I can erase my name, my eyes catch on four names at the bottom below mine. Strange. My name was the last one added. I know because I edited and set up this spreadsheet and only added myself when I had double and triple checked that everyone had been added.

Maybe Bucky found four more to invite. I try to accept the thought, but my curiosity takes the better of me and I can't stop myself from pulling up the internet on another window and searching up the first of the four names.

Xavier Taft. 34 years old, works for a bouncer service...wait. Criminal record.

My heart stutters again. With events like this, we're always so careful to keep the criminals down to only our own, and I've never seen this man's name in our regiment before. With furrowed brows, I search up the next one.

Lance Salone. Bouncer. Criminal record.

My heart is racing when I search the third.

Amanda Vice. No criminal record.

I frown, my adrenaline seizing a little bit. Maybe I was too hasty, maybe those two were just-

Oh my God.

My entire body freezes when I notice an article underneath Amanda Vice's search. She's a personal assistant, like me. But she works for Pierce Enterprises, the cover business for-

"Hydra," I whisper beneath my breath, feeling as though someone's taken the world and spun it around me.

With trembling fingers, I navigate back to the spreadsheet and look to the fourth name. I don't even need to search it up to know.

Alexander Pierce.

My heart is in my throat as I fly my cursor up to the top of my spreadsheet and check to see the editing history. My eyes scan the hundreds of entries by me until they rest in the last entry, one done by an email I don't recognize.

One I never gave permission to edit the document.

"They hacked it," I piece together aloud. Nothing seems real as I throw my laptop off of me and shoot to my feet, the world still spinning. The two bouncers, obvious muscle with the clear ability to kill.

I know I should hate Bucky, I know that I shouldn't give a damn what will go down tonight at the gala, but I can't stop myself from reaching for my phone and dialing the number I saved to my phone of the weapons dealer Bucky's mob used. The man I spoke with on Bucky's behalf many a times picks up on the third ring.

"Y/N. I haven't heard your voice in so long, how are you?" the dealer, a man by the name Nick Fury, asks.

"Nick, this is going to sound so random but I need to know if there's been any movement from Pierce or his men in the last week or so," I rush out. There's a beat of silence on the other end before Nick speaks again.

"What's this about? I thought Bucky fired you," he points out skeptically. My desperation is taking the better of me and I nearly snap.

"Damn it, Nick I just need to know! Has Hydra done anything unusual lately that you know about? If anyone would know it would be you," I practically beg. He must hear the urgency in my tone because he doesn't question me again.

"I caught word they were hanging around upstate earlier this week, they're not usually over there," Nick announces. I furrow my brows.

"Where upstate?"

"Some place called The Sky Palace. Heard they were there for a good bit of time snooping around before they got booted out," Nick answers, pausing for a moment, "Y/N, what's going on?"

I can barely breathe, let alone work up a response. The phone nearly slips from my limp fingers.

"Y/N, are you-"

"That's where the gala is tonight" I whisper, an aching, yawning sort of sensation ripping in my chest at the sudden realization that slams into me.

They're going to kill him. They're going to kill Bucky Barnes and they're going to make a move on our mob.

"I have to go," I rush out, my voice trembling and my stomach roiling with nausea, "Thank you, Nick"

"Of course."

I end the call, rushing to grab my purse and throw on the first pair of shoes I can find. As I rush out of my apartment and into the streets of New York as the sun sets low behind the buildings, I no longer think about the betrayal or hurt. I don't ruminate that I'm fired or that Bucky doesn't care for me like I do him. All I can think about is that my family isn't safe tonight, and I have to do everything in my power to protect them. All of them.

As I whistle for a taxi, my phone is already pressed to my ear and ringing as it tries by I reach my ex-boss. The call goes unanswered as I sit inside the cab.

"Where to?" The driver asks.

I almost say the venue, but pause. I set up Bucky's schedule for today, he should still be at his mansion upstate getting ready. He always did like to make grand entrances. Even if I'm wrong, it's only a ten minute drive to the venue. I give the driver Bucky's address and dial his number again as the driver speeds off.

"You've reached the voicemail box of-"

"Oh come on!" I groan out, pulling my phone away and ending the call. My heart is racing so fast that I can practically feel it trying to run out of my chest. I feel utterly powerless right now knowing that Bucky could die and I can help. What if I don't make it in time? What if he's already gone?

Tears blur my vision and sudden heart ache seizes my chest at the thought. I shove it all down and keep myself composed as I try his number again, but to no avail. Thankfully, we're pulling up to his mansion now. I pay the driver and rush out, putting in the gate code and sprinting to his front door. I don't even waste time knocking, knowing he's probably in the garage or his room, and dig up the spare key from its hiding spot to let myself in.

"Bucky!" I shout as soon as I'm in, slamming the door behind me.

There's no response.

"Bucky please! Are you here?" I shout again, but the silence rings in my ears.

One quick check of his room shows he's not here and when I sprint into the garage, I see one of his twenty cars missing.

I missed him. He's already gone.

I curse, checking my phone to see that he's running fifteen minutes ahead of schedule, something he never does. Of all days to be more punctual to his own event, tonight was probably the worst. I hesitate for only a moment as I ponder what to do.

"You'll forgive me later," I mutter to myself before I spin on my heels and jog to the key rack by the door. I swipe the first set I find and press the button only to find his brand new, cherry red Tesla lighting up.

If things weren't so dire, I'd squeal in excitement.

I don't waste time with giddiness, though, and sprint to the car. I'm inside and have the engine running in record time. Not one minute later, I'm peeling out of the garage and onto the road with screeching tires. I press the gas pedal nearly all the way to the floor, the engine roaring in my ears as I whip into the traffic.

I have to make it. I have to.

|||

And here we are, all caught up.

I hope you understand now more than you did before why I'm so desperate to get to Bucky in time. I hadn't realized it fully in the moment before, but now that I just might lose him, I know that he's everything to me. I wouldn't be half the woman I am without him and his constant assurance that I was strong and skilled and perfectly able to stand up for myself.

I can't lose him, not when he's so much more than a boss to me. So much more.

I cut the ten minute drive to the gala down to four. My headlights cut thought the pitch black night as I swerve up to The Sky Palace that's teeming with cars and richly dressed guests. The Tesla screeches as I grind to a halt before a group of gasping patrons and a wide-eyed valet.

His eyes grow wider when he sees me step out of it in a pair of jeans and a hoodie.

"Don't scratch this car if you want to live," I advise as I toss the young valet the keys. He must think I'm joking because his gaze flashes with humor.

He doesn't realize I'm being dead serious.

I don't care a modicum about the horrified, disgusted looks I'm getting from the elite who are still making their way to the Palace's entrance nor do I care about their cries as I break into a sprint and shove past them all.

I can't let him die, I can't let Pierce hurt my family. I can't.

I only stop running when I reach the two men guarding the front entrance with iPads to check in guests. I know them both, since both happen to be members of Bucky's mob. Their eyebrows furrow once they see me approaching them.

"Y/N?" One asks, his eyes nearly popping from his head, "Boss won't like it that you're here."

"Let me in, Sam," I order, my chest heaving with breath, "He's in danger, you're all in danger."

The two men's eyes widen and they share a look for a moment before glancing back to me.

"Y/N," the other begins, but the panic is getting too much and I cut him off.

"Listen, you're all in trouble. The business is in danger of being thrown into chaos, and your boss-" my voice cuts off with sudden emotion, tears swimming in my gaze, "Your boss is going to die if you don't let me in right now."

They only hesitate a moment longer before they step aside. Relief like I've never known it crashes through me. Just before I walk in, though, Sam catches my arm.

"I don't know what the hell's going on, but we're already falling apart without you. We...he needs you, Y/N," Sam whispers.

My heart tugs painfully in my chest and that same hole opens again. I miss them all, I miss the mob and the meetings where we'd all mess around like kids. I miss Bucky.

And with that last thought, I give Sam a nod before turning and jogging into the Palace.

Classical music wafts into the air, broken up only by soft chatter, laughter, and the clinking of glasses. The gala is classy and elegant and beautifully well-done, but I don't take time to admire any of that. Instead, I race through the room in search of Bucky.

I receive more than one disgusted glare and scoff at my apparel and messy, unkempt hair. I don't give one damn as I try to blend in as much as possible to not alert Pierce or his men while searching for Bucky.

I stop when I reach the grand staircase that leads to an upper balcony, taking the advantage of the steps and climbing a few to see the room from a birds eye view. It only takes me a few seconds to spot Bucky near the center of the room. My heart squeezes in my chest and I almost sob in relief to see him alive and safe. Just before I move to rush down the stairs and towards him, I hear a click from the top of the stair case.

I whip my gaze up in time to see one of the two bouncers from the list, Xavier Taft, begin setting up a sniper rifle atop the dimly lit balcony that no one but him stands atop.

My heart stops. Time freezes. My stomach hits the floor and all I can think about is that I can't lose him.

"No," I breathe, snapping my gaze down to see the gun trained on Bucky.

When I look at him, I see Sam at his side and speaking in rushed tones, probably about me. Knowing I don't have many options left, my mind works in overdrive to figure out the best way possible to do this. I need to cause a distraction, one to catch Xavier's attention long enough for me to finish climbing the stairs and get that gun away from him. At the same time, though, I need Bucky to see it happen, I need him to know his life is in danger so Lance Salone, the other bouncer, doesn't surprise attack him.

Bucky's just snapped his head towards Sam, his brows furrowed and his jaw tight when I make my move, my nerves humming.

"BUCKY LOOK OUT!" I shout, my voice piercing and carrying out over the room. Instantly, Bucky's head snaps up to where I am on the stairs and his entire body goes rigid.

I don't waste time watching him any longer and begin to sprint up the last of the stairs and towards Xavier who curses. He wasn't ready to shoot yet, I timed it perfectly. Beneath me, Bucky sees the gun trained at him and he sees Xavier, who now has his gaze on me. Bucky's entire body changes again into a mode of desperation, but I don't see it. I'm focused on closing the distance between me and the gun that's almost ready.

"Y/N!" Bucky roars, but I'm barely listening over the chaos in my brain.

"Bitch!" Xavier growls, cocking the rifle hastily and wrapping his finger around the trigger. He's too late, because I finish bounding up the stairs and crash into him, knocking him off of his feet and shoving the gun off balance enough so that the bullet he intended for Bucky slams into the roof instead.

Xavier's body slams into the marble tile as I tackle him, but he quickly overpowers me, flipping us over so I'm beneath him. Below us, I can hear screaming and glass shattering, but above the panic I swear I can hear a voice bellowing my name.

I scramble out from underneath Xavier before he can pin me, shooting to my feet and sprinting to the sniper rifle still sitting on the balcony. Just as I hear Xavier get up behind me, I knock the rifle over and send it careening down into the panicking crowd.

"I'll kill you for that!" I hear Xavier spit from behind me, and I whirl just in time to see him throwing a fist at me.

Time suddenly slows, and it's like I'm back in the office that day ages ago where Bucky tried to teach me self-defense. My body remembers the way he grounded me from my punch before my mind does, and I snap back to reality just in time to dodge Xavier's punch. Just like Bucky did to me then, I hook my leg around his and use his momentum to shove him to ground. I crash down on top of him and practically feel the slam of his head into the marble below him.

"Y/N!"

My entire body jumps at Bucky's voice, now close to me. I snap my head around to see him bounding up the stairs, blood splattered across his tuxedo as if he killed a man himself down there during the chaos. I almost sob in relief. He's okay. I melt beneath his gaze that bores down into me as he stoops down to reach out to me.

His hand is inches from me when his eyes snap up to something behind me and horror flashes through his face a millisecond before a hand wraps around my waist and wrenches me to my feet and away from Xavier's unconscious body. I gasp, and the world suddenly goes very still and very quiet as the cool of a gun presses underneath my chin, forcing it up slightly. My stomach hits the floor and I hardly find it in me to breathe.

Bucky stands ever so slowly in front of me, his jaw clenched and his eyes spelling murder.

"Leave her alone, Pierce," Bucky orders, and sudden fear clamps over me.

Alexander Pierce has me at gun point.

"Why? I'm actually quite taken with your girl," Pierce responds, tightening his hold on my waist. I squeeze my eyes shut for a moment at the disgust and fear rolling through me before looking back at Bucky. He catches my slight movement and his fury heightens.

"Pierce, I swear to God if you kill her I will skin you alive," Bucky growls.

"See, now we're getting somewhere," Alexander announces, but I can hear the annoyance in his voice. This isn't what he wanted to happen, "What are you willing to give for her life?"

Immediate tears spring to my eyes and I meet Bucky's gaze again.

"No," I beg immediately, not daring to shake my head because of the gun beneath it, "Let me die. I'd rather die."

Bucky works hard to keep the cold exterior upon his face, but I can see between the cracks that he's...he's terrified.

It's only when Alexander moves his arm that restrains me to cover my mouth that I realize my slim window of opportunity. Without thinking, I slam my free hands into the gun that Pierce holds to the underside of my chin hard enough that it knocks his hand away. His hold loosens in sudden shock and I rip away at the same moment that Bucky darts forward and grabs ahold of me, ripping me to him and immediately crushing me into his side for protection as he rips out his own guns and shoots before Pierce can even recover.

The bullet finds its target perfectly, right between his eyes, and it's over.

My entire body is trembling so violently that I cling to Bucky, scared that my knees will give way from the adrenaline. I've never been in a situation like that before, never been so close to death. Bucky drops the gun from his hold and switches his full attention to me, probably realizing just how pale I've turned and how badly I'm shaking.

Keeping one arm secured around my waist, he runs the other through my hair, his steel blue eyes taking in every feature of mine.

"You saved my life," Bucky murmurs, his hold on me so tight in the most protective sort of way, almost as if he's just as terrified as me, "Even after I fired and threatened you."

I shake my head, tears of relief pooling in my eyes.

"I couldn't let you die."

Bucky's jaw clenches and before he can react I throw my hands around his neck, hugging him close to me. He reacts instantly, wrapping both massive arms around my waist and pulling me close to him, holding me tighter than I ever have been.

"Don't ever do that again, doll," Bucky mumbles into my hair, clenching my hoodie in his fists, "Don't be willing to die for me. I don't deserve it."

I don't know why tears are gathering in my eyes but I find I can't blink them away. I only tighten my grip, nuzzling my head into his neck.

"I don't think I can promise that," I breathe, and my next words come out before I can even stop them, "You'll always be deserving."

Bucky pulls away so fast that my heart lurches into my throat. His eyes examine mine so frantically, so dangerously, so desperately as he holds me out from him. His chest is heaving, almost as bad as mine.

"I did it to protect you, you have to know that. Everything that happened before, it was all to keep them away from you," Bucky swears, and my heart stutters at the look in his eyes, as if the police and ambulance sirens filling the air alongside the shouting don't exist.

"Why?" I breathe, hoping on everything he'll say what I think he will. Bucky brings a hand to cup my cheek, shaking his head at me with something almost close to tears in his eyes.

"You're my only weakness, Y/N, and they know it. Everyone knows it," Bucky murmurs and I swear I stop breathing, "If it came to you or the world I'd pick you every time."

My chest is so tightly constricted that I can hardly draw in any breaths. My chest is moving just as fast as his and butterflies are pressing into my stomach in anticipation for whatever is thick in the air between us.

"Don't ever fire me again," I order, and a low chuckle leaves his lips. My humor drains in a second though, and suddenly it's hard to speak without my voice trembling, "I don't think I'll survive it."

Something breaks in his gaze, softens it and turns it so tender and passionate that my skin tingles. He brings his other hand to cup my face to, so I feel completely under his control.

"Are you sure this is what you want?" He asks carefully, his eyes searching mine, "This life will never slow down. Someone will always want to take you from me."

"I'm sure," I whisper, not even hesitating.

His lips are on mine before the words are even fully out of my mouth. My heart leaps out of my chest as I melt into him, pulling him closer as our lips move in perfect harmony. My entire body feels like liquid and lightning all at once and he's the only thing left in the world. One of his hands finds their way into my hair, leaving me completely at his mercy. When he finally pulls back, he leaves a breath of a kiss on my nose and then my forehead before tilting my chin up to meet his gaze.

"You've been more to me for a long time now, doll" Bucky breathes, and a shiver rushes down my spine. He's so beautiful. A smile twitches onto my lips as I caress his stubble-covered cheek.

"I think how I feel is pretty obvious, considering I did tackle a fully grown man for you," I remark, and a surprised laugh rumbles out of him. The sound nearly turns me weak.

"And it was probably the scariest and hottest thing you've ever done," Bucky assures. This time I laugh and kiss him again, but we're both more serious after it.

"This life may not be safe," he begins, his thumb running over my lip, "But you always will be. As long as I'm here, you'll always be safe."

"I love you, Bucky" I whisper, my words a promise. He freezes, something new and bright flashing through his gaze. I don't think he's ever heard those words before.

"I've always loved you, and I always will," he swears, and for a moment my life is completely and totally content.

It doesn't matter what's happening around us, it doesn't even matter that I nearly died a few times in one day. With Bucky by my side, I feel invincible, I feel strong and capable.

"I don't think I can be your secretary any more," I whisper, and his smile is back, turning my insides to butterflies.

"No, I've got a better idea," he smirks, kissing me quickly.

The next day, Bucky would introduce me to the mob as his equal partner.

The King and Queen of crime.

And it would stay like that for the rest of our time.

I don't know when exactly Bucky Barnes became more than my boss, maybe it was always. Maybe I should have known I was in trouble from the beginning, but it's the best kind of trouble. So, if you ever get the chance to do something a little crazy, maybe something you never thought you would, but it just feels right, then you need to do it.

You never know who will become more to you in the process.

#bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes #angst #oneshot #au #bucky oneshot #bucky x reader #bucky #mob!bucky x reader #mob!bucky oneshot #mob!bucky #mob bucky barnes #mafia!bucky x reader #mafia au #mafia bucky #mafia!bucky #fluff #avengers #bucky barnes angst

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pix3lplays · 7 months

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I'm so exicted to see you writing for genshin. Can we have Kaeya, Diluc, Childe and maybe Ayato (feel free to left any of them out if you don't feel like writing for him) reacting to reader telling them that she would like to start family? Thank you in advance! You are doing so amazing here as a writer i love your works

That’s so cute let’s do it! I’ll do Kaeya, Diluc and Childe!

and thank you for being so kind to me! I hope you enjoy what I came up with!

Tw! Reader gets pregnant

-telling the Genshin men you want to start a family-

Kaeya: Kaeya is, at first, extremely excited at the prospect of starting a family with you. But as time goes on, and the two of you get closer and closer to that future you were imagining, he begins to be overwhelmed with his anxiety. He’s anxious to be a father. He doesn’t want his kids to turn out like him. He wants them to have a good, happy life, filled with peace, and he wants them to be able to live without shame. So he’s nervous. And he’s not afraid to tell you. But when you calmly take his face in your hands and kiss his cheeks and promise he’ll be an amazing father, suddenly, in that moment, everything seems okay.

Diluc: Oh goodness. At first this man replies with a firm, “no,” and then he tries to get out of it by saying, “we already have the hawk,” when you’re insistent that you really do want to have children with him. It’s not that he doesn’t Want to have children with you, he’s just the type of man who’s Convinced he wasn’t meant to be a father. He never imagined himself settling down and raising kids, and he’s always had a problem with communication so he has a Hard time expressing this to you. Until it happens by accident. He’s…not ready. He’s scared. He doesn’t know what to do or say but it’s all happening, and it’s happening so fast. He tries to be gentler with you, try to not take his frustration over the situation out on you…but he is STRESSED. Still. There is something almost…soothing about watching you, draped in his coat, pregnant with his baby, as you rock back and forth in your favorite rocking chair.

Childe: He’s very surprised, to say the least. One of those guys who follows up the question of: “Do you want to have a family?” with “are you already pregnant?” Turns out you were, and it was time for Childe to take some responsibility. He’s a free spirit though, that’s for sure, and he’s not ready to be tied down with parental responsibilities yet. But it’s happening, and he needs to learn how to deal with it. Quickly. At first you were almost afraid he was going to leave you over the accidental, sudden pregnancy, but he actually sticks around, he’s just…not sure how to behave himself around you now. He liked you because you were strong. But now you’re fragile, and he’s not sure how to treat fragile people. Still, to your surprise he’s doing his best to be a proper boyfriend, even though he makes a Lot of mistakes. He’ll warm up to the idea of having a family with you, you just need to give him time. And he does get a sort of pride when he watches you waddle around pregnant with his baby.

#Genshin Impact #Genshin Impact x reader #Kaeya x reader #Genshin Kaeya x reader #Genshin impact Kaeya x reader #Diluc #Diluc x reader #genshin Diluc x reader #Genshin impact Diluc x reader #Childe #Childe x reader #genshin Childe x reader #genshin impact Childe x reader #pregnancy

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nauticallyhypnotical · 11 months

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Hello! Do you, by any chance, take request at the moment? If yes, can I request either seb, sam or shane (or all three by drabbles how they would do it) playing with f!farmers breats, where she's sensitive? 👉👈

Sebastian was far from a virgin, but thinking of your perky tits made him pop a boner like one. He caught a peek of your cleavage one day when he was helping his mom behind the counter of her shop. She was taking a call and needed him to ring up your supplies. He couldn't pass up the opportunity to be near you, having developed an intense attraction towards you ever since that rainy day you found him on the dock at the beach. It didn't help that you always brought him his favorite gifts. You were a fantastic cook, and you almost made a better pumpkin soup than his mom did.

Sebastian often wondered what your breasts would feel like after that day. He imagined the soft mounds in his hands, and thought of the sounds you'd make. He'd pinch your nipples, and you'd cry out his name and beg him to touch you more. He's often masturbated to the idea of his dick sliding in between your oiled up tits, and when he'd climax, he'd imagine his cum splattering all over your chest. You had to ask him once why he was blushing so hard when you were telling him about your new truffle oil makers. If only you knew the dirty thoughts that plagued his mind.

He wanted to confess his feelings towards you for so long, but had no idea how to go about it. He wasn't sure if you actually felt the same, and it didn't help him any seeing you be so goddamn nice to every bachelor in town. He hated the way the other men would make you giggle, wanting to have that laugh all to himself.

After seeing Elliott's arm around your shoulders one evening at the saloon, Sebastian decided he was going to go for a ride to clear his mind. He didn't want to lose you to the charming writer, but his anxiety wouldn't let him tell you that. He didn't know you had followed him until he opened the garage and was rolling his motorcycle out.

"Where are you going?" You asked him innocently. Sebastian's eyes lit up when he saw that you ditched Elliott, and suddenly had an idea pop into his head.

"I was gonna go for a ride, do you wanna join me?" He asked. He pulled an extra helmet out of the garage and offered it to you.

"I've never ridden a motorcycle before," you said nervously as you accepted the helmet. Sebastian smiled sweetly at you.

"It'll be fine, just hang on real tight to me, okay?" He said. You nodded, and got on behind him. You put on the helmet and wrapped your arms tightly around his waist, resting the helmet on his back. He put his on and turned to look back at you.

"All good?" He asked. You nodded and he revved the bike up, rolling you both towards the main road that led out of the valley. Although you're still scared, you admit the fear was exhilarating. It took about an hour to get to your destination, a ledge overseeing a distant Zuzu City. Night had already fallen, and thanks to there being little light pollution, the sky was bright with thousands of stars. Sebastian sat on the grass in the middle of the ledge, and you sat beside him.

"What do you see when you look out there?" He asked, gazing out in the distance. You thought for a moment.

"I honestly never liked the city. It's too loud and there's too many people. I really love our quiet little town. It really feels like home to me," you played with a flower in the grass. He gazed down on you fondly before speaking.

"For so long, I thought I wanted to leave the valley and become somebody in the city. But lately, I don't feel that way. I think I found a reason for staying." You blushed as tour next words just flowed out from your mouth.

"You're already somebody, Sebastian. You're everything to me."

"You know, I don't usually bring girls here, if you get what I'm trying to say," he blushed, maintaining eye contact with you.

"This place is special to me. Bringing you here means you're special to me, too." Your heart could just burst at the seams hearing his words. You've dreamt about him confessing his love for you for so long; It's honestly why you spend so much time 'shopping' at Robin's, hoping to get a chance to be near him.

"Sebastian," you whispered, bringing your face close to his. He closed the gap between you, bringing his hands up to hold your head. You melted into him, kissing him with a fiery passion. You ran your tongue over his lower lip, begging to be let in. He happily obliged, whimpering into your mouth as he pulled you into his lap. His heart was pounding a mile a minute as he came to terms with the situation currently unfolding. He couldn't keep his hands to himself, he had to feel you. He slid his hands up your shirt, running his fingers along your back. Being slightly ticklish, your body involuntarily twitched into him as you mewled against his lips. It was hard to contain himself as you moved around so sweetly on top of his raging hard cock. He brought his hands around to your front to play with your breasts. You weren't wearing a bra, and he could have came right then. He gave them a slow squeeze, and let out a shuddery breath.

"God, you're just as soft as I thought you'd be," he whimpered. Your face was beet red and you bit your lip as you looked down at him.

"So, you've thought of me often then?" You ask softly. He bucked his hips up into you.

"Wouldn't be so hard otherwise," he teased. He decided you needed to ditch the shirt and all but ripped it off of you. You cried out as his lips latched onto one of your nipples, rolling the other in his fingers. You ran your fingers through his hair and couldn't stop the praise flowing from your mouth.

"Oh good boy, Sebastian, don't stop, please," You threw your head back as he lightly bit your nipple. He would worship your breasts all night if you'd let him. He pulled his lips off your abused areola to kiss all over your chest, leaving bite marks and hickeys on his mouth's journey to your neglected tit. He snuck his free hand down your pants, almost growling as he felt the wet spot on your panties. He pulled them to the side and felt your slit up and down. He began to rub your clit in slow circles and matched the rhythm with his tongue on your nipple. You rocked against him unable to withstand the stimulation for very long, crying out as your climax violently shook through your whole body. Sebastian's fingers slowed in pace and he sucked on your breast as you came down from your high, panting as you leaned your whole body into him. He simply held you until your breathing slowed to normal.

"I have condoms at the farm. We can continue this later if you'd like," you whispered into his neck with a kiss. He practically pulled you onto the motorcycle after that.

#sdv sebastian #sdv smut #stardew valley #this was supposed to be short but i got a little carried away #anon #mdni #18+ post

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hiddenmoonbeam · 6 months

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yesterday's comphet awards made me think about how i've known for like 10 years that i'm more into women than men, so this isn't the same but either case i clearly needed to write this down so:

i'm 31, almost 32 now, and i've never had a relationship or anything that comes with that. i'm queer, and i live in one of the safest countries for people like us. but i don't know how gay girls find each other. when i finally worked up the courage to try dating apps shortly before the pandemic hit i only had girls as an option because guys felt too scary. i've tried several times. but living in sweden clearly doesn't mean it's easy anyway, at least not when it's in the north because there are so few i keep swiping through everyone until there's no more available. and then you barely match with anyone, and when you do no one speaks first, and when you do talk she stops responding... and the few dates i have been on didn't lead anywhere, because of course it takes time to find the right one, and being on the ace spectrum is so confusing because i don't know if i just need to give it more time but i guess if we don't even bond as friends it's probably not going to change later either...

anyway, so frustration has twice made me add men on tinder as well. because maybe i just need to give them a chance too right? and there are sooo many, so many, jesus, with only girls i had like... "5 people liked you" and within minutes of having guys too there were 99+

so i swipe and i try I TRY ALRIGHT but. men. are so. so uninteresting. i feel nothing. but i don't feel super much about random women either, sure women are generally prettier, it's much easier for me to think a woman is hot than a man, but still, maybe it's the demi thing, maybe i would feel more with time, i have had feelings for guys before so??? (and some specific fictional men are so fine, so maybe, right??)

yeah so. this year (after several overwhelming chats with different guys and one awkward date with one i definitely didn't want to meet again) i ended up forcing myself to date a guy the entire summer. he was nice, and also inexperienced and slow, and he knew i was unsure but i still felt like such an asshole. because in truth i wanted to go home whenever we met. i cried before and after. but i didn't know if it was because i was scared in general because everything was new and i have shit self-esteem and being demi is so difficult when i want so much and i was so worried i'd end it too soon and lose the chance i had + depression and anxiety flared up so bad because of all this so like. everything was shit.

like, in hindsight it's so obvious it wasn't right. it made me spiral deeper into depression again. but i can't really regret it either because maybe i needed this to realize some things, and now at least i've done more than 2 dates with the same person, i've talked with someone about (lack of) experience and how we feel, i've had someone interested in me who wanted more if i'd wanted it too. i've felt excited at the possibility of being kissed, even asked for it finally just to know, and yeah it was just a small peck and it was boring and barely counts tbh but it was something and now i've done that. and i've also had the very weird experience of a guy sitting close with his arm around me and gently brushing his fingers over my arm, and asking if the closeness turned me on... and while it was okay and nice, like he wasn't creepy or anything, i still felt nothing. so while well aware that yeah he was definitely feeling things, i truthfully said "no". which was probably an important experience to have also, to have done that, and to have met a guy who didn't make me feel unsafe about or because of it. because that's another thing, thinking that maybe my hesitations about men was only a fear of ending up with a bad one. and maybe that still plays a part, but also.... god i'm so clearly more gay than bi.

and i think i really did know that already, yet i did all of this anyway, forced myself to try. because finding a girlfriend had proven so fucking difficult, maybe i simply did have to be less picky and more open about men also.

idk how to end this, i don't have a well-thought-out point to make, and i dunno if anyone will even read all this but i'll post it for myself anyway. and just in case someone who ends up reading it feels similar, maybe you're in your 20s or later and feel like everyone else gets to experience romance and sex while you're left behind... well. maybe it doesn't help, but you're not alone. and i'm not alone either, even though it feels like it. just wanted to say that <3

also next time i get tinder im back to only girls.

#the “i want a girlfriend but don't know how to find her so i guess i'll try liking men instead” experience #and #the “i'm gay and demi and dating strangers is horrible” experience #if anyone reads all this 😘#but feel free to ignore it too #it's very personal but maybe it could help someone else feel less alone #LMAO ACCIDENTALLY POSTED WITHOUT NOTICING oh well

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cognitosclowns · 2 years

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Hey! I'm a HUGE fan or your work, and I was wondering if I could have a request for how Andre, Brett, and Myc's s/o would comfort them? I am so soft for these men-

AWE ABSOLUTELY <333 AND THANK YOU FOR THE KIND WORDS OML

sfw!!!! brief mention of drugs, bad eating habits, lack of self care.

Myc

Overall super hard to tell when he's not doing well?

Not only because he keeps things very bottled up overall, but also he has,, no face. hm. MSNDMSNDSM

It definitely gets easier overtime!! His 'bulb' tends to be dimmer, you can hear a certain tension in his voice when he's worrying about smth.

His instant reaction is Ew What Are You Doing. Very twitch-dodge, flinching sorta reaction?

SIGH. he doesn't like getting. attached to people. Stop being endearing. Stop that put those puppydog eyes away you bastard

He isn't a fan of. usual kinds of doting? Sappy 'You Can Do It :)!!' platitudes feel super forced and plastic to him. Even if you mean it genuinely, it just doesn't really. hit.

in the same vein. ughhhhhh talking about his feelings SUCKS go AWAY he is not INTERESTED fuck OFF

Honestly?? Just sit with him?? Crack some jokes, provide distraction, give him contact. Not only is it super calming, but getting a stronger window into your head is. actually pretty nice.

He. likes your mind. He'd never admit it, but being able to see into your brain is super nice. He finds your thought patterns super soothing.

PLUS YOU CAN BE SUPER SAPPY AND BE A BRAT ABOUT IT. Pronounce this snarky bitch dead via psychic damage. Blast his ass with 1000 volts of Love Juice. Think any and all mushy, lovey thoughts. watch his bitch ass get too boggled to remember what he was angsting about.

yes he will make fun of you but. it's worth it he looks so much calmer after.

Brett

OH affirmation does so much and. tbh he needs a lot of it.

He's not the most. confident individual, he has a lot of stress built up in those bones msndsmd.

mmmMMMM. he feels bad for. expressing his emotions. He feels like expressing guilt or anxiety is manipulative, WHICH HE KNOWS IS SILLY, but him feeling silly about it doesn't help it go away?

He's getting better tho! Therapy is a gem, he starts to come to you directly to ask for comfort.

BEST OPTIONS?? The simplest things tbh.

Like reminding him to take some breaths while rubbing his shoulders. Little bits of affirmation, telling him that you love him and that you're proud of him.

AAA <333 also just like. Doing stuff with him. Getting him moving is super helpful!!

Go on a walk (or run) somewhere!! Go out to a park, just do smth to get him outta his own head!! Even just making dinner together, slow dancing in the kitchen while noodles boil!!

It's easy to get stagnant when he's feeling bad, and doing stuff with you is his favorite thing!!

<333 also yes kisses are an amazing option. Your lovely boyfriend lights up so much when he gets a kiss from you <33 brbrbrbr

Andre

yeah he's. not usually very subtle when he's anxious?

Again, he feels super bad asking for help with stuff. Uber-Christian and super repressed family woooooo.

and he doesn't wanna worry you or scare you away?? Like people already see him as The Drug Guy, he doesn't want you to start seeing him differently because he's started showing. yknow. Symptoms.

Honestly?? Best comfort is taking some stuff off his hands.

When he's stressed or in a bad place, it's super easy for him to completely forget to take care of himself.

It's not like he does it purposefully, it's just hard to remember to eat and sleep when he's high-strung.

Make him some food!! soups are <333 and cheap ramen is his favorite shit, he used to survive on that during uni and now it's super nostalgic. Also he's a bottomless pit so dw about making too much food MSNDMSND!!!

Hoist his scrawny ass over your shoulder and wrangle him into bed!! Give him chest and neck kisses, let him rest his head on your chest to hear your heartbeat!!

Remind this silly bitch that you don't care if he stims, or if his tics start up??

He'll 100% try to hide his hands/lay weirdly so you can't see em, just out of General Insecurity. So just. remind him that he's being silly, because you give not a single fuck about em smndsmd!!!

Also one that he never expects, but always seems to help?? Just. remind him it's temporary. Like he knows this song-and-dance, he's done it a thousand times before, he'll do it a thousand times again, and even if it sucks rn it's not unsurvivable.

ITS JUST VERY EASY FOR HIM TO. Lose focus on the past and future? So that reminder is super good <33 helps keep him grounded babey!!

MWA love these boys. Lmk if you had something else in mind!! And as always y'all can add on as you see fit, I love hearing ppl go feral with me MSNDMSD

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sammywammyidk · 6 months

Text

TW: SLIGHTLY / NOT SO SLIGHTLY SEXUAL TOPICS (asexuality and the opposite of it)

ALSO, MANY PARAGRAPHS OF TEXT (RANTS)

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED

This is a very personal topic for me, but I really need advice.

Im so confused. I am currently having a crisis about sexual attraction.

One of my friends brought up asexuality and how I fit the description of it. I have thought about it before and deduced that, no, I am not asexual because there are some sexual things I enjoy reading.

But I looked more into it, and I realized that I felt very uncomfortable after reading those type of things and even watching things like them.

I also realized that body types don't really seem attractive to me, I just enjoy people's company. That's the main reason why I am with my partners because they make me happy and I make them happy via good personalities.

But even though I make jokes about my friend and partners bodies (everyone in my friend group is comfortable with it, dont worry -they make the same jokes), it never feels right. It's funny, yeah, but I don't relate to those jokes.

I do like romantic stuff, that I know for sure. I enjoy kissing and affection and hugs and those of the like.

A few days ago, I realized that I don't think that I am sexually attracted to men, but women are fine. But now I'm not too sure about that.

However, the thing that is throwing me off is that some, well, kinky stuff is enjoyable to me. I think.

My ex partner once told me that because of the "I enjoy some kinky and bdsm stuff" that I am not asexual. But I really don't know at this point.

I'm confused, and I'm scared to bring this up to my friends or close family or even my partners because this is such a taboo topic. I have a constant fear of disappointing others (haha, anxiety yippee!) so that's why I'm going to tumblr. Tumblr is safe. Please, I am so confused. Reblog or comment and help me solve this and get answers.

So, am I asexual?

There are some other things I am confused about as well (regarding ADHD and how I show signs of it, but I'm unsure if I have it and don't want to self diagnose), but this post is already long enough.

Once again, please give advice. I want this to be a friendly discussion or debate without any heat or arguments. Reblog or comment, anything really.

Thanks,

Sam.

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cait-with-luv · 2 years

Text

PART 2 PREVIEW

"If it weren't for seven men that fateful night you wouldn't be here now. They showed you good people did exist. That life can be great, that you can be loved and cared for. These seven men were the men you loved and cherished. These men were your mates. Your safety blanket. And to them. You were their Little Leopard.

Pairing: OT7 X Hybrid!Reader

Genre: Hybrid! AU, Strangers to Lovers! AU, Rich!BTS, Fluff, Angst(And I mean Angst), Polyamorous!BTS

Warnings: Abuse(Mental, Physical and Sexual), Eating Disorders, Depression, Anxiety, Suicidal Thoughts, PTSD.

------

"This is a safe space Y/N. Nobody is going to shame you, hurt you, nothing like that, we don't expect you to trust immediately and that's okay, we'll earn it. No matter how long it takes. You are cared for and safe here. You are not a pet or anything like that. You're a still human just like us at the end of the day. We want to protect you and get you justice towards whoever did this to you okay? Do you understand?" Namjoon says gently sitting across from you ensuring there was distance so you felt comfortable. He wanted to give you space you've probably never had before. Let you come to him. The last thing he wanted to do was scare you.

"Yes master. I understand. I promise not to make you angry." You say in a hushed voice, keeping your eyes down. You had been taught to never be loud or look your superior in the eyes as a sign of respect. You didn't want to mess up. They had been so nice to you, you feared one wrong move then they would mistreat you. The boys felt nauseous hearing you sound so submissive and fearful. Calling Namjoon master.

"Little cub. We are not you're masters. You never ever have to call us that. We aren't like the others. We don't own you, we don't want anything from you nothing at all. You are you're own person. Just call us by our names. We aren't superiors, we're just like you. Human. Yes you may be part leopard to but you are also a human being. You can speakly louder and freely. You're thoughts, opinions and feelings are all valid in this house okay? You can look at us. Nothing will happen. We won't ever get mad at you okay? That is something we promise." Yoongi says softly feeling his heart sink into his stomach. You have so much trauma and fear built up that you really did think all humans were the same. And in that moment he knew. They all knew. They were going help you conquer it all and find the person you really were behind it all and they couldn't wait to see it, the real you. They were going to protect you not matter what it took.

----

Nearly a whole year it's took me to do this I am so very sorry. It was not supposed to take this long I promise but so much has happened in my life that I just couldn't update and mentally I really wasn't here. I've finally got back control in my life and I am very proud of myself to say the least. My computer had also broken so I couldn't update and needed to save up for a new one which was a big challenge and then I even moved which was great but also set me back for updating once again as I was sorting out my new home and trying to adjust but finally everything is blown over or I am working through it amd hopefully back on track for updates and writing etc. Another thing to add thank you so much for your love for this story already and all of your paitence you don't understand how much it means to me! The taglist is huge and because of that I want to yet again remind people that unfortunately it is closed for the time being!

Anyway CHAPTER 2 RELEASE WILL BE MONDAY 24TH OCTOBER 7PM BST AND DOWN BELOW ARE THE CONVERSIONS SO YOU GUYS KNOW! SORRY IF I MISSED YOUR TIMEZONE OUT!

TAGLIST AGAIN IF I MISSED SOMEONE OUT, YOU HAVE CHANGED YOUR USERNAME OR YOU DIDN'T GET A NOTIFICATION I'M SORRY AND LET ME KNOW!

@luciferslvst @pb-n-james @kimsaerom @tinyoonsblog @mintyoonjisworld @malewife-supremacy @army4eve3r @mageprincess7 @dreamamubarak @ot7nem @hayleypearce @yoongiigolden @kinkyduuh @victoryscreech61 @driftapart @carolinexkpop @duskiebaby @colourlyhobbit @toughbook @ah2002 @beeeee06 @euphoriayongbok @bbgniecyy @linospot @jaiuneamesolitaiire @whotfisclaire @rich-man-v @bangtanxberm @pathetic-brat @murkydoesnotloveyou @cheychey-4788 @kookiesandmilk-blog @atinygracie @echo-ethe @yo-alli @blancflms @scarlet1722 @jamlessstars @theblueslytherin @rosquilleta @slash4slashers @chieftoadturkeynickel @m4r1eluvr

#bts #hoseok #namjoon #seokjin #yoongi #jimin #jungkook #taehyung #bts poly #bts hybrid x reader #bts strangers to lovers au #little leopard #bts hybrid fanfic

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herbrattybaby · 30 days

Text

Chapter 7

"Wake up Mr Wayne we have much to discuss"

"Strange? You wont get away with this!"

"I already have"

More electricity passes through Bruce as he screames again

"I assume you thought of yourself untouchable. Well as you can see no one is untouchable"

Another shock passes through Bruce as he screams.

"Shut arkham city down. Its out of control!"

"Shut it down? By the end of tonight i'll be a hero just like you BATMAN"

(Meanwhile)

"Ms Perse is everything alright?" Alfred asked Perse who was biting at her finger nails her knee bouncing a clear indicator of stress and anxiety. What if he's really hurt? Or dead? The thoughts were beginning to be too much.

"I'm just scared" Perse said barely above a whisper. Shes not good at communicating how she feels and still doesn't speak that much. Of course she's gotten much better but not to the point to talking regularly.

"I assure you Master Bruce has everything under control so no need to worry it'll all be well"

Perse nodded and made her way to the bat cave. 'I don't care if he thinks i'm not ready I can't let him do this alone.

"What do you think you're doing young lady?" Robin came up from behind her.

Perse ignored him and started putting on her suit and mask. Robin couldn't lie she looked really pretty. gorgeous even.

"If you insist on going after Bruce i'm coming with you. Can't let you go alone"

"Fine, just keep up chicken tender"

Perse grabbed her hoverboard and started heading towards arkham city. Robin just stands there wondering why he let a little call him an item from kfc. He just sighed and started catching up with her.

Batman had just rescued Catwoman from two face and is now trying to figure out what protocol ten is until Joker almost sniped and killed her.

"You're not safe here no one is"

"Nine lives remember? And by the way who is the little one? Everyone is trying to figure out who she is. Especially Penguin. Saying that he wants her for his tacky collection"

"Kore is still in training shes not ready to fight alone. But when she is ready I doubt Cobblepot will giver her any problems"

"You sure do have a lot of confidence in her. Hope I can meet her soon" Catwoman smiled and went her own way.

'Where is he?!' Perse thought as she rode on her hoverboard. She continued to ride around until she found this building that said "Krank Co Toys" The word 'toys' made Perse want to slip but she had a job to do. no time for that. There were men blocking the entrance ready for a fight.

"Its the brat!" One of them yelled and they all charged at her.

'Theres water surrounding all over this place. Sucks for them'

Perse made a huge wave out of the water and crashed it into them.

'I AM ready. Papa doesn't know what hes talking about'

She made her way inside water surrounding her fist just incase anyone else tried to attack. There was a staircase that leaded down to a large room with a teddy bear in the middle of the floor and Bane looking at something on the wall. Perse knew she wasn't strong enough to take him in a fight but she wanted to ask if he'd seen her papa. So she confronted her fears and approached him cautiously.

"Hello?" Perse said.

Bane turned around and Perse jumped back a bit. She was scared and completely overwhelmed.

"Who are you child?" Bane asked

"I-I was wondering if you've seen pa- I mean Batman"

Bane started laughing.

"You must know we aren't on the best of terms right?"

"What happened?"

"Last time I saw him I was on the hood of his car as it crashed me into the water.

"Ohhhhhhh"

He didn't seem like he was gonna hurt her. But she wasn't for sure.

"So i'm guessing you're Kore am I right?"

Things spread quick didn't they?

"Thats me"

"Well its nice to meet you then Ms Kore"

"Likewise"

Perse didn't expect one of Batmans strongest enemies to be this chill? Maybe he wasn't such a bad guy after all.

"But to answer your question I have not seen the bat anywhere but I don't have a doubt he's here trying to stop Strange"

Perse was trying to keep it together she really was but she couldn't stop the tears that started flowing down her cheeks. What if he was dead? It would be all her fault. She could've been better, stronger, faster. Bane put his hand on her head in an attempt to comfort the now little Perse. Bane wasn't heartless he knew this girl meant him no harm. A part of him saw her as something to protect even though she was strong enough to handle herself.

"There's no need to cry little Kore you'll find the Bat i'm sure of it"

Perse only babbled and started petting his arm with her hand. Something she found comforting. Bane was beyond confused at this point but he just went with it. Bane didn't know what age regression was but he could tell She then hugged his torso and whined softly wanting to be embraced. Bane hugged her gently not wanting to hurt her with his strength.

"Kore, you know i'm your enemy right?"

Perse shook her head and hugged him tighter almost making it to where he couldn't breathe.

"You like me. Meanies did mean things to you"

Meanies? Is she talking about the people that experimented on him? Was she also experimented on? Or maybe just abused? He didn't wanna pry and make her upset. Bane picked her up and sat her on his lap.

"You need to be careful. Not all villians will be as kind as me. Just because someone has a tragic past doesn't mean they're kind"

Perse nodded in understanding and got up making her way to the exit. She smiled and waved to Bruce before continuing her quest to find Batman.

(Hope you all liked this part. I just thought Bane and Perse being friends because of their similar past)

#fandom agere #little space #agere #agerereader #little!reader #age regression #batman agere #agere caregiver #age regressor #agere reader #dc agere

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aftaylorglow · 8 months

Text

get your shit together

these past few weeks, i've been seeing tweets about how joe loved taylor when she was at her lowest, but he couldn't love her when she's at her highest. then a few days ago, i was listening to renegade and thought about that.

i tapped on your window on your darkest night the shape of you was jagged and weak

i think one of the things that folklore and evermore taught us is that taylor can write from any perspective. but it's easy to assume that because she's singing, she's talking from her perspective.

the song has been out for two years so i'm sure i'm not the first one to come to this conclusion, but renegade makes so much sense if you see it as taylor talking about herself from the perspective of a partner.

i'm saying it's joe purely because of when this was written/released and the whole he loved her at her lowest thing. we also know that in call it what you want, she also used "darkest night" as a lyric.

there was nowhere for me to stay but i stayed anyway

one of the biggest mysteries of my swiftie life is the summer of 2016. breaking up with calvin, meeting tom and joe at the same time, dating tom, breaking up with tom, getting together with joe, possibly cheating on one of these men with one of these men...the timeline is unclear to me and i fear we won't ever really know, especially with joe now out of her life.

anyway, i interpreted the above line as her meeting him at a point in her life where she didn't have space for him. maybe when she was still with someone, maybe when she's freshly out of a relationship and didn't want to be in another one yet. but he stayed anyway.

and if i would have known how many pieces you had crumbled into i might have let them lay

taylor tends to be hard on herself. oftentimes, she knows she's that bitch but she has moments where she's so insecure, especially about how her celebrity affects her relationships. i mean we've gotten a ton of anxiety-induced songs these past six years. you're losing me is the latest example with the line, "i wouldn't marry me either, a pathological people pleaser."

sometimes i think she thinks she's not worth everything her partner has to go through just to be with her. i see the verse above as the perfect thesis statement for this observation. it's like, "if i'd only known just how deeply you're messed up, i wouldn't have bothered."

and this hurts because we don't know if her partner actually thought of these things. it's what she thinks her partner must feel toward her, which says so much more about how she views herself.

are you really gonna talk about timing in times like these? and let all your damage damage me? and carry your baggage up my street?

this supports my previous statement about how this is how taylor views herself. she's damaged. she has a ton of baggage. and these are what she's bringing to the relationship. is it worth it? she probably thinks not. it's why she probably said the timing isn't right for them right now. and why he's asking, in incredulity, if now's the time to talk about timing. after all, he's already stayed. he's proven he can tough it out.

you wouldn't be the first renegade to need somebody

this reads as something very dismissive of the other person's feelings. but remember, in this interpretation, it's taylor talking to herself in the perspective of her partner. so she's basically telling herself to stop being so self-centered. hold up her end of the relationship and try.

is it insensitive for me to say "get your shit together so i can love you" is it really your anxiety that stops you from giving me everything or do you just not want to?

i feel like this verse shows her fear of being found out. she has made up all these excuses about why she couldn't give everything to this relationship and she's scared that the time will come when her partner will call her out and discover that maybe, after all they've been through, she's just not willing to try.

which is a very interesting thing to think about! from previous albums, we've gotten songs and explanations from taylor about how early in their relationship, she was the one who wanted to give up. to save him from herself. but he didn't want to leave. he wanted them to work. when taylor was explaining peace, it was clear that eventually she wanted to make the relationship work by making herself and her life seem as normal as possible and not be this elephant in the room. and then, in you're losing me, she begs him to "do something babe, say something." eventually, he gave up on them, too.

you fire off missiles 'cause you hate yourself but do you know you're demolishing me? and then you squeeze my hand as i'm about to leave

once again, this has taylor's self-loathing written all over it. "you fire off missiles 'cause you hate yourself" is similar to "my words shoot to kill when i'm mad, i have a lot of regrets about that" she's aware of her self-loathing and how she turns it outward and hurts her partner. the use of the word "demolishing" implies intent, too.

the last line also supports what i said earlier about her thinking she's self-centered. because isn't it selfish to deliberately hurt the person who held you through your darkest moments and then stop them from leaving when you've been pushing them away this entire time?

anyway, it's 6:41 am and i just wanted to let all this out because listening to it a few days ago and thinking of the song as her talking about herself from the perspective of someone who wanted to love her made me sad.

#so yeah #this is just over 1k words omg #i haven't written something this long in so long #anyways #lyric analysis #taylor swift #swiftie #renegade

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acourtofthought · 1 year

Note

Hi! I’m fairly new to the ACOTAR books (I finished ACOSF a few days ago). I was wondering if you know why people ship Elain and Azriel? I definitely never thought of them together, especially since Lucien is her mate. Has the author teased a love triangle or something? I think I’m in the minority when it comes to live triangles (I love them even if it’s obvious who’s getting picked), but Azriel’s bonus chapter didn’t seem promising.

I checked a few blogs of people who ship them and everything was mostly “off-page”, which was weird to me, because there’s no point of a book about them if they’re already together. It’s like getting a book about Amren and Varian.

Welcome to the Fandom!! You have my respect. Love Triangles give me anxiety 😂 I do understand where the E/riel ship came from. Az, based on Canon, is a very aggressive character who is noted to have an icy-rage that scares the other characters. Enter Azriel's moments with Elain and you see a complete personality overhaul. He's soft, he's gentle, he's polite and proper. He seems like he's nurturing and caring for her. In short, he's a big fat liar around Elain 😂. But some readers find it adorable and sweet, that he's so soft with her. That's definitely a trope that exists, the man that goes out and is all death and destruction with the world yet is a Squishmallow around his love. What E/riels seem to not understand is that is NOT how SJM writes characters. Her females are the badass ones (even if they aren't warriors. I'm not sure if you've read the TOG glass series but Elide and Yrene are like that. Neither is a warrior but they are both extremely strong willed, brave and play major roles in the series). SJM Does NOT write quiet females who need to be protected by the big strong male, she writes equals. Woman that can go toe to toe with the men. And she doesn't write endgame stories for males who torture for a living with females that are bothered by cruelty. She also doesn't write men falling in love with women while they are still currently in love with someone else and not ready to address it (cough cough, Az with Mor, cough cough). And she doesn't write about males who try to prevent the female from doing something dangerous as Az did with Elain in SF. Also, Elain isn't who she's meant to be right now. Yes, she will probably always retain her gentle side but she's not bold around Azriel. She's timid and uncertain when talking to and looking at him. When you realize what kind of pairings SJM writes about you see how problematic their behaviors are around each other. That anyone cries "LOVE!" for E/riel and doesn't acknowledge how awkward and not honest the two are together is a problem. When we see Elain actually begin her journey with her endgame, we're going to see a different side of Elain. The side that stood up to Nesta in SF. The fact that Elain has freely interacted with Az for over a year yet we don't see any of that when she's one on one with Az is a red flag. When Elain finally opens herself up to knowing Lucien, I guarantee we'll see that Elain come out to play.

Enjoy your Day!!!

#anti e/riel #elain archeron #elucien

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feline17ff · 1 year

Text

I posted 3,859 times in 2022

My comments are in pink

That's 1,670 more posts than 2021!

161 posts created (4%)

3,698 posts reblogged (96%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@creativemercinary

@the-lavender-creator

@managerie76

@broadwaytheanimatedseries

@hydepotions

*tips my hat* m'bloggers 🎩

I tagged 3,784 of my posts in 2022

Only 2% of my posts had no tags

#ever after high - 567 posts

#lol - 382 posts

#funny - 342 posts

#made me giggle - 240 posts

#my friends - 220 posts

#eah - 216 posts

#my asks - 169 posts

#writing prompts - 156 posts

#monster high - 149 posts

#incorrect quotes - 148 posts

Longest Tag: 139 characters

#and what does the first passage say about maddie? how can she *not* know she's a character in a book? (she can hear the narrator after all)

I wonder if the tags and links are working for me to find this post

My Top Posts in 2022:

Sparrow: Babygirl, I know video game lore you wouldn't even care about

Ramona: Babyboy, I know true crime facts you should be scared about

Source

88 notes - Posted January 18, 2022

Hey, just a heads up, archive.org needs your help!

I mostly use openlibrary.org which is already AWESOME. They're part of archive.org and an actual legal digital library - AND INTERNATIONAL

Right now (till 31st Dec 2022), archive.org has matching campaign that will TRIPLE the impact of each donation

Do donate! And then borrow a book from this library, or watch an old Film Noir movie!

Donate and, if you'd like, let other users know how archive.org has helped you! Or how you've helped it!

Mine's below! 💖

I found out about it during my Hero Academia phase so cleaned up and create pages for the mangas

And then, some time later, there were borrowable books for them! 🤩

I've watched 12 Angry Men — my first, and as of yet only, black and white movie.

I've read Freakonomics in its entirety thanks to it. I was so obsessed with the book I even read it on my phone in a very user unfriendly way because I still don't know what app works with archive.org.

For an assignment, I borrowed What You Must Think of Me: A Firsthand Account of One Teenager's Experience with Social Anxiety Disorder. It's actually not that long or boring. Unlike what books my classmates chose.

150 notes - Posted December 4, 2022

How do you think the "main" crew (Apple, Raven, Cerise, Briar, Ashlynn, etc) would react to being able to hear the Narrators?- Narrator Headcanon Anon

How indeed, lol

Apple: *Very concerned about what this means but trying to remain polite as ever*

Raven:"...WHAT? Huh. Cool."

Cerise: "Wait, they know all our secrets?" *pulls hood closer. But I would love if when she's alone she just talks with someone other than family with her ears out

Briar: "OMG, that's ridonculous!"

Ashlynn: *sweet about it and tells them about the next shoe sale*

Blondie: "You're reporters just like me! Know of any juicy news happening around Ever After?"

Dexter: *existential crisis aka the thinking maths meme* "I'm so confused. I-I-I don't feel so good."

Daring: "The more the merrier, more awesome viewers for awesome Daring Charming" *winks and finger guns at the camera where the narrators are*

Hunter: "Uhhh, cool, cool" *concerned they'll spill the beans about the gift he's working on for Ashlynn*

Lizzie: "Well, of course they exist! Just because you can't hear someone doesn't mean they're not there."

Alistair, Bunny, Chase, even Courtly: *Agree with Lizzie*

Also, everyone who isn't a Wonderlandian, and I mean EVERYONE, would be wondering what other "mad" or Wonderlandian things they were wrong about

167 notes - Posted February 5, 2022

I think this is the post that started my friendship with Narrator Headcanon Anon iirc 🥰🥰🥰

The kind of friendship these 3 would have:

Sparrow: *crying after spilling something on his new Nikes*

Humphrey: get me baking soda, vinegar, and a toothbrush, stat!

Alistair: *with tears in his eyes and consoling a sobbing Sparrow* I'm here bro, we'll get through this together

Based on a post I can't find "whoever thinks only girls are obsessed with shoes has never met a teenage boy"

221 notes - Posted February 4, 2022

I really love this 😂🥰

My #1 post of 2022

Writers be like:

Angst, my beloved

263 notes - Posted January 16, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

Lol. You writers and your beloved.

#tumblr2022 #year in review #my 2022 tumblr year in review #your tumblr year in review #narrator headcanon anon

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wonderfuldeath · 1 year

Text

.o| NightClub |o.

Hope x Reader Female Reader

Warnings : Swearing, Verbal Abuse , Alcohol

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

The sound of the bass, the smell of sweat and alcohol that sticks to the skin, your body can't know if it wants to move in all directions, or just stop making too much effort. Finally settle down and try to remember what was happening. The night was well advanced, maybe someone would soon put you out, but too bad, the dance floor seems to be turning and you don't want to go home. Anyway, no one was waiting for you, or maybe there was someone, but he wasn't a good person, so you have no remorse. It was a kind of small private nightclub, where the rich and ultra rich could participate in incredible events and if you hadn't come with a billionaire, you could never have passed through the doors. But here it is, your best friend, a pretty blonde who turns the heads of all men, told you that she wanted to have fun. Not to say spy on her equally pretty life companion. Your little nose frowns, remembering that they still exist, you are looking for where is the pretty blonde or the redhead. But the lights twirls, as much as the world around you, and you hit the person behind your back. Already very clumsy, with several glasses in the blood, you turn into a real hurricane. Visibly playing domino with the other people in the place, dropping two. Your mind is struggling to register until you hear the threatening voice of one of the men, visibly in a bad mood.

"- Can't you pay attention, uh ?!

- Excuse me, I'm didn’t do on purpose.

- If you don't hold alcohol, don't drink! How do you plan to pay me back, uh?! ”

A slight stress begins to pass through your veins. Your eyes seem to be able to focus a little more, while you have to get up alone. The man seems to have drunk just as much as you. You didn't have enough money, at least not enough to repay such an expensive suit, for a perfect stranger who seems to have spilled his drink on himself. Your cheeks reddened by alcohol, anxiety and dance, you can feel your heart beating in your chest and stammered several excuses, trying to find your friends again so as not to get you even more into trouble. But no incredible blonde hair, or redhead, just the body that is three times your size, making you step back a few steps, you're heels made slippery by the alcohol sticking to the floor.

"- So? You're going to answer me something coherent, right?

- Excuse me.. But I can't pay back. ”

His laughter is cold as he looks around, making you do the same as if several other people were going to appear, and you feel completely lost. Until a hand rests against your shoulder, making you shudder slightly. On your back, the man seems smaller than the one in front, but his look is cold enough to instantly calm his interlocutor. It was a situation tense enough for your body to no longer feel the alcohol scent, leaving only a bitter aftertaste and a little vertigo when you start to see your new savior.

"- Please excuse my friend. She drinks to forget unfortunate memories. I let go of her eyes for thirty seconds and she was lost in the crowd. You scare me, you know?

- Excuse me? ”

His smile, bright as the sun strikes you first, gently making you smile in return. Reassure you to have someone so gentle and visibly kind on your side, you get closer naturally, to feel safe, hoping that he did not just pretend, to have a little conventional favor. But he smiles at you even more tenderly, taking your hips to bring you a little closer, looking at the man again.

"- How much do you need for the costume?

- Nothing. I'm a little drunk. I'm going home. ”

A positive nod, and the story seems to take a little more funny turn. Taking small steps to the side, while the craziness of the moment takes you to the throat again.

"- Thank you. I didn't think.. Finally... Thank you very much for helping me. Sir, my friend.

- I thought he was going to make a proposal a little too much. Indecent? I wanted to do a good deed.

- She was remarkable, but I was afraid that you would come to hands!

- I had the same fear! It wouldn't have been very beautiful to see. ”

His common laughter gently makes you regain your feet, forgetting all your politeness. Names are exchanged as a little secret, and surely, if you hadn't been so drunk and confused, you would have taken the time to listen to it. Jung Hoseok was a charming man, he easily laughed at your dubious jokes and acted naturally with you, as you had known him for years. Time passes by in a beating of eyelashes, and finally, the pretty blonde comes to bring you back to reality. Life was not stopping, and in a drunken blink, you were in the luxurious car.

"- Oh no!

- Did you forget something?

- My phone. And to ask his number a... How did he say he was called already? Uh… It doesn't matter.

- I'll come and get your phone tomorrow. Or I would ask them to send it back to us.

- Hum-Hum. ”

-X-

Finally, the next morning, a migraine not bearable and pockets under your eyes, you had learned that your phone was volatilised. So you had to buy a new one, reluctantly of course. Predictably, you had not seen the handsome young man again, whom your mind foggy by fatigue and alcohol had obviously easily forgotten and your daily life had resumed normally. Resuming your boring work, in your boring company, sorting papers and affixing stamps on boring cards.

"- Are you aware?

- No, aware of what Meïshi?

- Apparently, your favorite group will make a performance.

- So what? It's not like I had the means. I had to buy a phone.

- But I never said that you had to pay for the tickets. ”

Your eyebrows frown as you watch the redhead waddling on her stiletto heels, before stretching the paper with intense joy. It was not just any ticket, but the most expensive, in the best place, with a pass to have an exclusivity with the members of the group. A small cry of joy passes your lips, quickly choked by your hands, looking all around you in a sorry way. Before you start shaking your hands with joy.

"- When are they for?

- This Weekend. Are we going together? Misty is busy.

- Of course! And then this way I would watch you personally.

- As if I needed to be. ”

Your laughter sounds like crystal, while you separate to resume your daily work, yet eager to be this weekend.

"- Ticket please.

- Of course! ”

Like two children, you show with some joy your passes, and they let you in like two princesses. The noise of the crowd makes your heads turn, but less than the accesses close to the stage, showing the entire group, which for your greatest pleasure, interacted a lot with you. The evening is a pure success, the songs are still full, you no longer know how to bring down the euphoria. But when you find yourself in front of the members, to discuss a little with other privilege, you do much smaller. More discreet.

"- Oh, the Miss of the Night Club.

- The one that Hoseok doesn't stop talking about? ”

Many small glances turn to you, like everyone is trying to understand what Jimin and Yoongi were saying, and you make yourself a little smaller. Anxiety slowly taking you in the throat, as you try to remember what they were talking about. You would have met your favorite idol, you would have remembered it, wouldn't you?

"- You must be confused, or I was really drunk.. It wasn't me.

- Yet I remember that it’s. ”

The same sunny smile, and the same bright look. It doesn't seem to bother the man that you don't remember him, seeming as surprised as you to see you again here. A little lost, you stare at him, trying to understand what he is saying, while he just takes your phone out of his pocket. The one you had lost.

"- But now that you're here, I can give it back to you. You will not have a problem... Call me or send me a message, we'll go for a coffee, okay?

- Uh... Yes? Of course. All right. Why not? ”

And with a beating heart for you, and rather naturally for him, he comes to put his lips against your cheek. Before smiling at you honey way.

"- Like that, we will get to know each other better. ”

#jung hoseok #jung hoseok x reader #bts x reader #bts fluff #bts os #night club #shy reader #oc #alcohol #jhope x reader #jhope bts

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vatican3 · 2 years

Note

Do You have any thoughts about Nihil's friend. Would love to hear if you do.

Prefacing all of this with the fact that you really need to buy into my Nihil-is-a-girl canon for almost any of this to interest you.

I feel like I need to split this up into sections but as I'm writing this I have no clue what those sections will be. But they're all. General concepts.

BESTIE:

Cishet. Sorry.

Except for when I sometimes hit him with the transbian beam because I can't help myself. But we'll get to that.

Despite looking like a massive douchebag this guy is so sweet and full of love. Assigned dogboy.

Best friends with Nihil for a long long time, Nihil is known and loved by his family.

They are roommates. They live in a shitty apartment together. They're in a shitty band together. They go to shitty parties together. They're having the time of their lives.

But he's like, hm, I do sort of want Nihil carnally but as far as I know I am not into men. They get drunk and make out constantly.

Nihil eventually comes around to telling him she's a girl and he's like OHHH THAT MAKES WAY MORE SENSE FOR ME, PERSONALLY.

Upon learning he is avoiding a sexuality crisis (for now. We'll get out the transbian beam in a minute) he's like okay, obviously we should have sex. Nihil also thinks this because she is bored and horny and thinks hey he's pretty sexy that would be fun. This is a great solution to the nights when neither of them experiences success with women.

So they fuck raw every single day basically.

It does not take long for them to individually figure out they are in love with each other but it does take them forever to say fucking anything about it.

There is a weird relationship limbo where they are really not sure if they're dating and are too scared to ask. Bestie has stopped trying to hit on other women.

Their friends in their shitty rock band do not understand what their dynamic is and they are trying to piece it together from context clues and it just is not happening. They are also confused about Nihil's general gender situation but they are beyond asking questions.

BESTIE IS PRIMO'S DAD:

Despite the fucking raw every day they are somehow surprised when Nihil ends up pregnant (there is nary a brain cell between them).

Nihil is vomiting. They think it must be a stomach bug. And then she just keeps vomiting and now certain smells are making her nauseous that didn't before and her period is not making an appearance when it should be. And then they're like, don't think this one's a stomach bug, man.

Bestie is terrified for fatherhood.

But very excited!

Nihil has to speedrun going girlmode because pregnancy is not going to wait for that to get figured out.

Nihil, because of how she is, has about 50 books about pregnancy in her room. Bestie makes the mistake of reading one of them and is now gripped with anxieties about everything that could possibly go wrong.

Bestie tries to gather band friends without Nihil to tell them she's pregnant. They do not understand. He can see the gears trying to turn in their heads. It's not clicking. They are excited for this mystery baby regardless.

Bestie calls his family to explain that hey you know Nihil? Yeah you do. We're having a kid and also she's kind of my girlfriend not clear on that one yet. Try not to ask questions I do not have answers.

He wins some shitty arcade jewelry for them to wear as wedding rings to doctor appointments because they are already not stoked about this greasy freak having a kid with some nice girl but an unmarried greasy freak is worse.

They go to see Bestie's family for Christmas with baby Primo in hand. There are clearly questions. Nobody is going to ask. Bestie's siblings try to talk to Nihil like she's a new person and she's like, I have known you forever what are you fucking doing.

They can pawn off baby Primo on Bestie's extended family and cuddle and fall asleep by the fireplace together. They are so tired. Did you know having a baby is so hard.

BESTIE IS A VAMPIRE:

You don't need me to explain this.

You've seen the Dance Macabre video.

NIHIL IS BESTIE'S GIRLFRIEND FOR REAL THIS TIME:

They are so into each other it's either adorable or disgusting depending on what kind of person you are.

Bestie is at work exclusively talking about his girlfriend and how she is and how excited he is to go home and see her.

I don't have time or room to fit all of my nurse Nihil thoughts prompted by that other person in here. But please understand how much I thought about this concept.

Bestie is so into her and constantly brings home presents for her. Candy. Clothes.

They just fucking love watching horror movies and cuddling and eating Chinese leftovers together.

TRANSBIAN BEAM:

Someone tell this girl she can be butch.

Imp/Nihil/Bestie Femme4Femme4Butch throuple.

Nihil has two hands for two hot vampire gfs.

#there are somehow more thoughts than this that i couldn't really squeeze in.#but #here #mtxt #nfr

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girlvinland · 1 year

Text

This is a little bit of a personal post, but something I kinda wanted to share because I'm happy about how it's been going. I'm putting under a read more just bc of a potential tw though. I didn't mean for it to get long, but it was hard to figure out how to make it short lol.

So like, over the past couple of years with the pandemic going on, I was one of those people who started drinking more to cope with anxiety and isolation. It was never to the point of full-blown issue that needed treatment or anything, but I can definitely recognize that it was problematic. I didn't really drink during the week, but there would be weekends where I would absolutely go overboard with it. I don't think that's too unusual, given how normalized drinking alcohol is. But I was starting to see that I'd say or do really foolish or hurtful things when I was under the influence, and really all it was doing was making my anxiety and desire to isolate even worse. And tbh, since I have been recovered from an ED for over ten years now, I feel like it's somewhat easy for me to look at a behavior and be like, hm. That's not good. Maybe I need to stop that and find a better way to approach what's bothering me.

Admittedly, last year was a difficult one due to a lot of personal stress. In December though, I finally decided I really wanted to stop drinking (or at least take a break and see how long I could go without it). I got one of those counter apps because I wanted to keep track of it, and I read a lot about how alcohol actually messes with brain chemistry (it helps me a lot when I can understand things more from a medical or scientific perspective, especially when so much "stop drinking" stuff is more spiritual or religious in nature, which are things that I am not). Right now it has been eight weeks since I've had anything, and I feel a lot better wrt my anxiety and everything. Still bad days now and again because of general life stuff, but not like it was, and it's more manageable. It's just crazy that like...even just drinking that one day a week would make me feel so bad sometimes.

I feel kind of weird/scared sharing this, but I also feel like sharing it is a good thing, because I don't think people talk about it enough. When we think of anyone who has a problematic relationship with alcohol it's usually elderly men with PTSD or wine moms in denial or maybe frat boys at university. I don't often see people like myself (I think I've spoken to like, one other person who had a similar experience and I only approached them because they were open about it on their own blog, otherwise I would have never known I wasn't alone). When I have seen other people who are like 20s or 30s quitting drinking or taking breaks from it, it usually ties back to some kind of religious reason or being "straight edge" or making it an identity. I don't care about any of that for myself, and I don't want to shame anyone who might have the same problem or approaches it from a different way. But I do think it's important to speak up when you are struggling with something and find out what helps you. And I think it's bad that the entire thing is so shamed because we know the rates at which people have been drinking over the pandemic have risen greatly and we know how normalized it already is anyway. It really shouldn't be shameful to talk about these things in the open, because then more people are likely to open up and help one another.

Anyway. I just wanted to write about it in case anyone else related, and because actually stopping has been really nice.

#by bug #alcohol mention

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