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catxsnow · 4 years

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PROTECT YOU D.W.

Request: Could I request something with angst and fluff for Damian Wayne please? One where there's a mission that he isn't involved in because he's injured but his s/o is on it but then he freaks out when her coms are off bcs reader might have been injured or dead but when they all get back to the cave s/o is fine. Thanks!

Warning: angst, fluff, Older!Damian

A/N: I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of writing for Damian

GIF not mine

Word Count: 2.5k

Damian hated being left out of a mission. No matter how damaged he was, there was always still argument that he could pull his weight on the team. The time that he had a concussion he had convinced Bruce to still let him go out, and another time when he had a sprained wrist. Damian always found a way to make sure that he was still going out as Robin, especially when you were going with them as well.

You and Damian had been dating just under two years. He arrived at the manor just about a year after you did. It took a while for him to warm up to you, to anyone there, but you seemed to be the easiest to get along with. Damian found himself allured by you. Your skills were comparable to his and when you had put him on his ass in a matter of minutes, he had some respect for you as well.

The more you trained together, the more he was impressed by you. It didn't help that the longer you spent time together, the more you realized that you had grown immense feelings for him. Feelings that were too stubborn to go away or be ignored. It was why, when Damian had won a spar against you, arms pinned to the mat and hovering above him, you had acted on impulse and kissed him.

He was shocked at first, unsure of where this had come from. It didn't take long for his grip on you to loosen, leaving you just enough wiggle room to flip your positions. Damian wasn't sure if he was more surprised by the fact that you had kissed him or that you had used it again him to win your spar.

Either way, it had led to more kisses, more time together, and a relationship that Bruce was weary about. Damian had already acted so high and mighty when he was fighting as Robin, he couldn't imagine what he was going to be like when the two of you fought together. And he was right to be worried.

Damian became protective of you. He wouldn't let you leave on a mission, or even patrol, without him. He would be the one to constantly have your back because there was no one he trusted more to keep you safe than himself. Damian had fallen in love with you and he couldn't bare the thought of losing you to anything.

It was why Damian had once again tried to convince his father that he was healthy enough to go on a mission. His arm was in a cast, but that didn't stop him from wanting to go along side you against a dangerous mission. It was the first time that you were going without him since you had been dating and he was terrified.

It lead to comments about keeping you safe, being there to protect you, and how useless his brothers were. You couldn't stand by and watch any longer as Damian continued to be spoiled with getting what he wanted. This behavior that he had - about only him being able to keep you safe - it drove you crazy.

"Damian Wayne!" You bellowed. Your voice echoed through the walls of the cave and had caused everyone to freeze in their spots. Damian was yelling at his father to let him go with them as well. He desperately wanted to be there for you, there was just something in his gut telling him that you weren't going to be safe that night.

Damian stopped arguing with Bruce and winced. He slowly turned to face you with his mouth still agape. You stood there with your suit on and hands on your hips, nothing but disappointment fell in your eyes.

Dick looked wearily between Tim and you, unsure of what was about to go down. It wasn't very often that you had yelled at him, much less using his whole name. The tension in the batcave grew as you continued to say nothing until it got unbearable.

"I am a grown adult, I can take care of myself without you being there all the time!" You finally snapped. "I'm tired of you acting like I'm less of a valued member of this team. You go around making it seem like I can't take care of myself! It's degrading. I don't need you to protect me, I never needed you to protect me."

"Beloved, that's not-"

"Save it, Damian," you cut him off, pulling the cowl above your head. He watched silently as you got on top of you bike, revving it up to leave. "Listen to your father, stay here."

Even when you and Damian went on missions together, before leaving the cave, you had always told each other you loved them. There was always the chance that something would go wrong and that someone wouldn't make it back. It wasn't a risk that you were willing to take about missing a final 'I love you'.

However, as you sped out of the cave without another word, Damian had the words hanging off the tip of his tongue. His head hung low as the rest of his family looked at him. They had all known that he was protective of you and that sometimes he did push the limits to keep you safe.

He had never known that you felt that strongly about this. Damian groaned in frustration at your fight, he hated arguing with you, especially right before a mission. You were more reckless when you were angry, and this time he wasn't there for you. No one was there for you, this mission had you going solo.

Bruce looked down to his son, unsure of what to say to him to make things better. He simply squeezed his shoulder before jumping into the batmobile. Tim got in beside him and Dick on his motorcycle.

"Damian," Dick called out to him as the other two left. "They're going to be fine out there, okay? (Y/N) is strong. They aren't angry with you, trust me."

"Better catch up, Grayson."

Damian was freaking out.

His father had announced half way through the mission that your comms had been turned off. He wasn't sure if you had done this yourself or something worse. Either way, if it wasn't for Alfred nearly tying him down to the chair, he would have been off searching the city for you. Damian was terrified about what was going on with you.

He knew that this feeling in his gut should have been something he worried about more. Damian should have known that you shouldn't have gone out on your own, he knew that something bad was going to happen. Bruce had full faith that you were fine, he wasn't worried about your comms being off - which had only frustrated Damian even more.

They should be out searching the city for you to see what happened, not come back to the cave where nothing was being done. The mission had been successful, there was no need for worry about where you were. You were the farthest part from the city, it made sense that you would arrive last.

Yet, even Dick was starting to get a little nervous about your whereabouts. It wasn't common for you to turn your comms off, at least not for this long. Whatever happened to you out there, it had to have been for good reason. There was no point in poking the fire with Damian and getting him more worried about you.

It was different for Dick to see Damian so worried about someone. Of course he worried about the rest of his family, but nothing like he worried about you. In Damian's nineteen short years of life, he never expected to love someone so much. It was an unbreakable love between the two of you, no matter how much you argued.

"Where are they!" Damian yelled. He wanted to take his father's vehicle and race out in the streets to find you. He would have too if he wasn't constantly held back.

"(Y/N) said that they were fine right when the mission was over," Tim tried to reassure his brother. "There's nothing to worry about, Damian."

"Bullshit, Drake," Damian snapped. He paused his pacing to glare at his brother. "(Y/N) never does this. Something must be wrong." It was true, you never turned off your comms unless you were meant to go dark. Damian only hoped that you were doing this because you were mad at him still, not because you were injured.

The only thing he hated seeing more than you getting hurt, was you being mad at him. Whenever the two of your fought, there was always a very short period of time before one of you apologized. Damian prayed that this wasn't going to be escalated. He didn't know that you felt so strongly about this, otherwise he would have been less over protecting of you.

The echo of your bike bounced off the walls of the cave. Damian eagerly perked up from his place to wait your arrival. He had no idea what kind of shape you were going to be in when you finally got here, he was worried about you. Damian stood just beside the place you parked your motorcycle with an anxious look.

The second you put the kickstand down and removed your helmet, Damian had thrown himself in your arms. He pulled away from you only to to place his lips on yours. All the concern and anxiety he was feeling melted away with your touch. It was always you that was able to calm him down.

"I was so worried about you, beloved," Damian admitted to you. His eyebrows furrowed as he noticed the small cut along your cheek and the frown on your face. The pad of his thumb gently wiped below your wound. It was then that he noticed the blood dripping down your neck as well. "What happened?"

"Nothing that I couldn't handle on my own," you assured. The tightness in your voice caught him off guard - you were still mad at him. That was confirmed as you pushed past him and everyone else waiting for you. Just as you were about to leave the cave, it was Bruce that stopped you.

"Why were your comms off," he asked. Damian wasn't the only one worried about you. Not to mention that turning them off could have endangered the whole mission - lucky for you, it hadn't. Without another word, you ripped off your cowl and tossed and threw it backwards for him to catch.

The earpiece in your cowl had been damaged. Lucky for you, the bullet shot in your direction had just grazed your suit, not your head. The cowl seemed to satisfy Bruce's question enough, he didn't say anything else as you left to your room.

"I think you messed up," Dick pointed out the obvious. Damian shot a deathly glare at him and stormed out of the cave as well. At that moment, he didn't care if you were mad at him, he was just glad that you were alive.

He hovered by your door for a moment, debating whether or not to knock or just walk in. As he heard the shower going, he decided to just wait on your bed (shared bed at that point, Damian rarely slept in his own anymore). For once, the room seemed foreign to him, like he shouldn't be in there without you.

This fear that resided within him wasn't fear that he normally had when you went on missions, this was a fear that you had finally had enough of him. This kind of fear overpowered every other emotion trying to break through. It left him unable to sit still and cowering from his own thoughts.

The second that he heard the shower turn off, Damian felt as if his heart was going to burst through his chest. His leg bounced up and down as he waited for you to walk out.

"Damian," you spoke as you opened the door. A towel was wrapped around you and water droplets fell from your hair. You knew that he was waiting in your room for you, and yet the surprise of seeing him so nervous shocked you.

"Beloved, please," Damian stood up to meet you. "I'm sorry that I made you fell this way. I know that you're capable of taking care of yourself, I know you don't need me to protect you."

You said nothing as you continued to pull out a pair of pajamas. Damian sighed at your silence. He hastily grabbed both your hands and forced you to face him. The fear in his eyes took you back. Damian didn't show fear, he always exuded confidence. Seeing him like this, you knew that he was being truthful.

"I love you, (Y/N)," Damian told you. "I only argued to go on these missions because... because I'm petrified that one day something is going to go wrong and that I'm not going to be able to say goodbye, or you to I. If I'm ever going to die out there, I want to make sure that your face is the last I see."

Your bottom lip wobbled as he spoke. You tore your hands out of his so you could pull him into a hug. Tears spilled down your cheeks - you couldn't bare the thought of losing Damian. "I love you, Damian. So, much. I'm sorry that I was angry with you, I know you just want what's best."

Damian shook his head - you were right to be angry, he just wished that he had known about it sooner. Your hands rest at the back of his neck as you pulled him in for a heart-warming kiss.

"Stay with me tonight?" You asked, playing with the few baby hairs at the back of his neck. Your touch sent a chill up his spine. The lingering water on your skin left you cold and you craved the warmth that Damian always had radiating off of him.

"Of course."

"You might not always be able to protect me out on the streets, but you always keep me safe from the nightmares that haunt me."

At the end of the day, that was the protection that you needed the most. You didn't need him to hover over you like a child when you were protecting Gotham. You needed him to remind you that your nightmares weren't real, that they were nothing but a figment of your imagination. Damian was real, and he knew how to keep you safe.

You would always need Damian, even if it wasn't in the way that he imagined.

#damian wayne #damian wayne imagine #damian wayne oneshot #damian wayne x reader #older!damian #dc imagine #dc one shot #dc #fluff #angst #batfam #batfam imagine #robin imagine #robin

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thatwitchrevan · 2 years

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So I would say my parents are both neurodivergent, right, because there's basically no way to argue otherwise. They have three neurodivergent kids, they both have a history of anxiety and depression, and the both exhibit a lot of non-neurotypical behavior. And people talk a lot about being able to understand other neurodivergent folk better than neurotypicals and that's true for me to some extent, but genuinely sometimes my parents are so confusing to me and I think I'm equally confusing to them.

Like, let me give you some examples:

1. My dad occasionally comments on the music I'm listening to and says it doesn't seem like something I would like and he's surprised that I'm listening to it. There was literally several times in a row I was listening to metal and he was like 'this is kinda heavy for you??' and each time I'm like '...no? This is what I listen to?' And he either forgets or is somehow continually surprised? The latest time it wasn't even metal, it was just a very lowkey pop/alt song. He said something along the lines of 'this doesn't sound like something you'd listen to' and I was like 'I listen to a lot of stuff' and he was like 'yeah but still it doesn't sound like your thing' and I was like 'in what way' and he had no answer. He doesn't mean anything bad by it but it's so confusing because he seems to have a specific impression of my music taste and get confused when I deviate from that but I don't understand where this impression even comes from or why these things surprise him??

2. I got a new ring at the ren fair recently and for the couple weeks after I got it I wore it a lot, cause new. Mom got home one day and saw the ring on my bookshelf and was like 'oh you're not wearing your ring' and I was just like '...yeah?' because it was the evening at I was just at home chilling? I still don't get what she was confused about.

3. Generally when I'm talking to my dad sometimes there's just a communication breakdown where I feel like I can't get him to understand what I'm saying, and I also can't understand his response or why he's having trouble understanding, so we're just standing there doing the conversation equivalent of waving our arms at each other trying to make sense of things. Also I make deadpan jokes a lot and then it becomes him saying something that implies he thought I was serious and me saying it was a joke and him either saying he knew it was a joke and he was just joking back or something, or more frequently going 'I can't always tell when you're joking!' even though to me it seemed pretty obvious.

4. The other day me and mom went to the store and she was taking approximately 5000 years looking at the things she wanted to get while I was anxious to get our food and go home so I would wander off to somewhere close by to get the closest thing on the list and come right back and she would have wandered off completely. I kept expecting her to understand that I would be just around the corner and to also choose patterns that would make it easy to find each other but she would just disappear to whatever made the most sense to her brain and I was not clued into it and we both just refused to say 'I'll be in the dairy section' bc 🤷

This is in stark contrast to me and my siblings. There is no one who gets me more than those two and vice versa. Like we have communication breakdowns every great once in a while because everyone does but literally one has a stutter, one goes nonverbal, and I ramble nonsensically, but we still all get each other. We have same the same brain.

So yeah tldr me and my siblings are on one wavelength but sometimes I cannot for the life of me figure out what wavelength my parents are on despite my entire family being neurodivergent in what I would have to imagine are overlapping ways. Probably a lot of it has to do with age and culture and me & my siblings influence on each other when we were young.

#griffin's life #the most frequent communication issue i have w my youngest brother is when i text him one word sentences sometimes #and he's like 'what' and I'm like 'read my mind' bc I'm lazy and i expect him to understand what I'm talking about

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verobatto · 3 years

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Destiel Chronicles

Vol. CX

It was a love story from the very beginning.

The Destiel Reunion after the Possession

(14x03)

Hi there! Another volume from season 14, this time this meta will be Dean centric because season 14 was plenty Dean centric. And episode 3 showed us the demage Michael left on Dean. It also talked about the Destiel reunion after the Possession.

As I said in my previous volume, season 14 is the one I started writing meta, so this will be a resume of it and some new addition in retrospective.

You can find my two metas about 14x03 here and here.

The after Possession damage

I remember when I saw Dean in this episode 'The Scar's it was as if I was looking a semiology book of Psychiatry.

First of all because Dean was acting erratic, anxious, always in alert.

"I've never seen Dean in so bad shape. The anxiety was evidently exposed, and the partial lost of memories and the flahsbacks (...) he's weak, as Kaia noticed, mentally weak... "

I wrote this in one of my metas, and as I said in the previous volume, we will have here another reading of Dean's thoughts. This time by Kaia.

(Remember this is the episode in which Dean asks willingly to Castiel to get inside his head. Subtextually, to Dean, Castiel is the only one he allows to go deep inside his thoughts. It's based in trust and love.)

But let's check AU!Kaia and Dean dialogue:

Kaia: You’re no different from him. Threats, violence anything to get what you want.

Dean: I am nothing like him.

Kaia is reading Dean's fears here. Treating him like an angry killer. All his toxicity is exposed at Kaia's reading.

Kaia: Yeah you are: you always have been!

(...)

Sam: Wait a second: you’re a dreamwalker, too? Your powers, they connected you.

Kaia: Our whole lives, what she saw, I saw. I know where it comes from your anger, your impatience: it's fear. You’re scared and you’re weak

The fact that this while scene was linked to the scene in which Jack and CAS discovered how to save a young girl from a spell. Graphically releasing her by breaking an amulet, is foreshadowing Dean self release from his second Possession. Kaia saying 'what she saw I saw' is practically giving a clue about Michael spying them through Dean's eyes.

So anxiety and depression cohabitate in Dean after Possession.

"Did you see how Dean was like running all the time? He didn't listen to Sam or Jody, he needed to do things quickly. Running here, there, it doesn't matter, bc he was running from himself, and to find and kill Michael was just an excuse."

That was the image of Dean I got from this episode. Then, this dialogue in the car whit Sam in which he describes how it was to be possesed.

He mentions "drowning" that was his desperate battle to conquer his own thoughts and own body. We'll have a lot of recallings to this word throughout the season 14, a lot of monsters representing AU!Michael and his own toxicity trying to drowning him.

Gif set credit @itsokaysammy

Purity and Purge

Before jumping into my idea of what it meant that cold reunion (cold because it didn't have a hug) I wanna talk a little more about how Michael brought the Purgatory into season 14 as a prelude to episode 15x09, but mostly, as a symbolic representation of what being posseses meant to Dean too.

"I was expecting Michael to be the new Purgatory exposure in this season, an opportunity for Dean to bring back the purity from his heart, as he did in Purgatory, the place where he realized he was in love of his best friend.. (sighing)."

This definitely happened and had his conclusion in season 15 with 15x09.

But, the purity of the heart Dean will expose throughout this season wasn't the purity Michael wanted to bring to Earth.

"We could confuse purity with basic Instincts when we talk about monsters. Bc basic Instincts are pure, indeed, there's no contamination in what the monsters wants: hunt, eat, survive. Like animals."

This is directly related to the idea of PURGE Michael wanted for the world. And it also was showed in Dean's behavior in the woods when he was searching for Michael. Basics instincts an animal would use to find his prey. Dean was in basic hunter mode.

The Destiel Reunion

The Destieo reunion had a bittersweet taste.

First of all, when Castiel arrived to the scene, a dramatic music started to play. This is usually used to point out at a romantic couple playing the scene. And because it was specifically played when Castiel arrived and Dean and him exchanged weird looks, it's obvious it was there to show the audience HELLO, THIS IS A REUNION OF LOVERS.

Gif set @jacktwistfan

Until now, everything was sweet, Dean is really happy to see Castiel. He looks as if he was breathing for the first time. His face is showing relief and his heart eyesbfor the angel are out of control. 'There you are. The love of my life.'

And Cas, well, remember when I said he was more emotional?

He smiles at him. Like... Very happy but then... Dean's face turned into... Recrimination.

Cas: I’m sorry. I wanted to be there, but we feared that Michael would sense my presence.

Dean: Sam told me. Ain’t no thing.

Gif set credit @cath-avery

Dean is mad at Cas, because Castiel didn't go to rescue him. Even knowing it could be bad for the plan, deep inside , Dean wanted to see CAS in that barn. That's why their looks. Castiel csn see this perfectly. He even explains this to him. I didn't want to see this but then in episode 14x04 (the next meta) I will explain why Dean was feeling sad, one of the causes was he was feeling Castiel didn't pay attention to him. The 'jealousy' starts to burn (yes, Dean was kind of jealouse of Jack because Castiel spends now more time with him) and this will end up with their break up at the end of the season when Jack will be the one killing Mary accidentally.

Dean being mad with Cas could be the cause of why we didn't have a hug. But also, because Dean felt dirty and ashamed, his mind had been ripped by Michael. Maybe he felt too dirt to go Cas a hug.

Now... Let's jump to the sexual innuendo scene...

There's a huge parallel between this episode and 4x01 in which Dean realized he had a hand print on his left shoulder. Here, Dean noticed the scar in his right shoulder and uncovered in the same way he did in 4x01. I called this Michael's mark vs Destiel mark. And is a blatant representation of why Michael couldn't possesed Dean's vessel completely. And mostly because the scar looked like two phalanxes. As if it was trying to complete a handprint. But he couldn't, because Dean is already taken by Castiel. If this is not romantic trope, I don't know how to call it.

And now... Dean asking Castiel to get inside his head, as an act of trust, marking a foreshadow for 14x10, when Castiel and Sam will enter in his mind.

Dean: Cas, c’mon hit me.

But this will end up being a scene with sexual innuendo, mostly because Misha and Jensen acting choices...

Gif credit @faramaiofnerdwoodforest

Dean's face if one of whom just had the orgasm of his life. His face after realize the sensation that that intrusion by Castiel had made him feel is showing he is aware they just had had an experience. It was OBVIOUSLY very exciting. He even tries to compose himself a little, feeling ashamed, but collecting his hands together towards his own chest. His left eyelid drops a little, just after experienced a very amount of... well... Sensations. It looks as if Dean ejaculated after having great sex with his angel.

This was fanservice, thank you Lord Berens.

To Conclude:

This episode showed us a very bittersweet Destieo reunion. I infer it was because Dean was mad at CAS for not being in the barn to rescue him.

It also had a Destiel sex scene, their first time... 🤣

But it spoke too about the amount of psychiatric damage AUMichsel left on Dean.

Hope you liked this meta, see you in the next one.

Tagging @gneisscastiel @emblue-sparks @magnificent-winged-beast @weird-dorky-little-d @michyribeiro @maleansu @legendary-destiel @a-bit-of-influence @thatwitchydestielfan @misha-moose-dean-burger-lover @lykanyouko @evvvissticante @savannadarkbaby @dea-stiel @mybonsai1976 @anarchiana @angelwithashotgunandtrenchcoat @trashblackrainbow @mishtho @dancingtuesdaymorning @feathered-castiel @bre95611 @zoerayne2426 @justmeand-myinsight @that-one-fandom-chick @proccastinate @studio-hatter @pepevons @poorreputation @mrsaquaman187 @dizzypinwheel @jawnlockwinchester @dwstiel @ladygon @shippsblog @la-random-fangirl @lets-try-this-again-please @mychemicalobsession514 @destiel-shipper-11

@shadows-and-padlocked-hearts @mishtho @dancingtuesdaymorning @nerditoutwithbooks @mikennacac73 @justmeand-myinsight @idontwantpeopletoknowmyname @teddybeardoctor @pepevons @helevetica @dizzypinwheel @horsez2002 @qanelyytha

@destielle @spnsmile @shippsblog @robot-feels @superlock-in-the-tardis @superduckbatrebel @belacoded @madronasky @anon-non2 @cea1996 @lisafu02 @asphodelesauvage @deancasgirl777

If you wanna be added or removed from this list just let me know.

If you wanna read the previous metas from season 14 here you have the link: CIX

Buenos Aires, April 25th 2021 4:25 PM

#destiel chronicles #destiel #destiel meta #season 14 meta #14x03 #14x03 meta #dean winchester #au! Michael #dean winchester meta #castiel #sam winchester #supernatural #spn meta #supernatural meta

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queenofimagines · 4 years

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It’s Happened Before

Request: “heyy can you do one where y/n normally plays hard to get around guys but when she’s really drunk one guy won’t leave her alone and jj saves her. When he takes her home he’s super sweet and y/n is all over him, he likes it because he has a huge crush on her but then he feels bad bc he doesn’t want to take advantage. At some point y/n thinks that he will take advantage of her in her drunk mind and she says it’s happened before. ((Also love ur writing sm))💜” by @maybebanks

Warnings: Mentions of sexual assault

Notes: I’ve never written a fic with sexual assault before so I apologize if it’s inaccurate or insensitive in any way, I promise that is not my intention. If any of you find any discrepancies in my writing of it or find anything offending please let me know so I can fix it and so I can pay attention to it in the future. Thank you!

Also, this ended up being really long... sorry not sorry :)

You loved playing hard to get, and JJ loved that you never made it easy for him. He fell for your spit-fire attitude right away and since then had never stopped trying to make you his. If you were being honest, though, you liked this little game of cat and mouse that you and JJ had started when you met. You liked how he followed you around like a lost puppy, but you also took pride in the fact that you got the JJ Maybank, notorious for only ever having one night stands, to want you and only you.

Everyone knew of your little game, many already thinking of you as JJ’s girl and referring to you as such because of how inevitable it was that you two would end up together. You hoped they were right, and that you and JJ would end up in an actual relationship. You were young, you knew that you still needed to figure out exactly what you wanted out of life and where you wanted it to go, but to you, one thing was for certain: no matter what happened or where you went, you wanted JJ Maybank to be there. But you were scared, scared that he’d get bored of you, scared that he only liked you for the chase. You were by no means a thrill-seeker, often opting to go with the safer options when John B presented you guys with whatever adventurous scheme he had come up with. JJ, on the other hand, liked to run headfirst into danger without even so much as a plan, something that made you uneasy. You were sure that when the chase was over you’d have a few weeks of bliss before the realization that you weren’t actually what JJ wanted would hit him like a sucker punch and that he’d leave you like so many others had. What you didn’t know, though, was that JJ was by no means in it for the thrill of the chase.

JJ saw right through you. He knew that your quick wit was a way for you to cover up your fear and your pain. He knew that fear and pain caused you to lead him on this chase in the first place. And sure, he liked it when you played hard to get, but that wasn’t what drew him in. JJ fell in love with the way you cared about him and the other Pogues. He fell for the way you always seemed to have just enough time in your busy schedule to help Kiara clean up the litter that so many had carelessly left behind at keggers, how you always seemed to have just enough time to cook for John B when he wasn’t taking care of himself like he should have, how you always seemed to know exactly what to say to calm down Pope when he got anxious, how you always kept him out late enough so that he would just have to spend the night with you instead of going home, and how, when it was necessary for him to go home, you always seemed to “accidentally” leave your blankets in his room during winter when you knew it would be freezing. JJ fell in love with you because you cared about him in a way no one else had before, the chase you led him on was just part of the fun, but even without it JJ still would have stared at you as if you had hung the moon just for him.

It was the beginning of summer, and high time for you and the Pogues to throw yet another kegger to kick it off. You, for one, were more than happy to get uninhibitedly drunk to drown out the insecurities you had when it came to your maybe-relationship with JJ. You were on your fourth cup of beer by now, the party only having started less than an hour ago, and to say you were plastered was an understatement. You didn’t have a particularly high tolerance, you and the rest of the Pogues were very aware of that, but you didn’t care, you just wanted to get wasted and have fun. JJ knew something was up with you when you chugged your first beer right away as you weren’t the chugging type. All of the Pogues noticed your strange behavior too. They knew that you were the kind of person to sip your beer until you were buzzed and keep yourself in that state but never surpass it. JJ knew something was wrong and assured Kiara, John B, and Pope that he would keep an eye on you when they brought up that one of them should stay sober enough to make sure you didn’t do anything stupid. He reasoned with them, stating that since he was the only one of the four who hadn’t had at least three beers by this point that he would be the best bet to stay sober. The Pogues were confused, knowing JJ to be the first of them to get completely hammered, but they didn’t question him, instead agreeing and turning back to the party. What he neglected to tell them was that he had already made up his mind to stay sober and watch over you at the beginning of the party and that his decision to have only one beer, although it was more like half a beer since he was trying to be as completely sober as possible without it looking too suspicious, was purposely made before anyone else had even noticed how off you were acting.

You were unaware of the lingering eyes on you, you were also unaware that the eyes staring at your figure weren’t just JJ’s. A boy around your age, a Touron you guessed based on his sweatshirt which sported some college that you just knew wasn’t from anywhere near the Outer Banks, had seen you dancing with some old acquaintances of yours and decided it was time to approach you. You didn’t notice him coming up behind you, but JJ did, he didn’t dare make a move though, knowing you hated that macho bullshit and were perfectly capable of handling yourself, but he was still on edge when the boy placed his hands on your hips.

You thought the boy was JJ, really you did. But the second you pressed your back into him you knew you were sorely mistaken. You quickly turned around, eyeing the boy who had put his hands on you not mere seconds before, telling him to go away. You didn’t want him, you wanted JJ, and even your drunk self knew that you would never want to be dancing with anybody else.

“Come on, baby, let’s just have some fun,” the boy said, grabbing your hips again. But you resisted, pushing him away and beginning to walk away in the hopes that you could find said blondie.

“Hey! Don’t walk away from me,” the boy said, tightly grabbing onto your bicep. “Didn’t your parents ever teach you that it’s rude to ignore someone who’s talking to you?”

“Didn’t anyone ever teach you that you shouldn’t be grabbing girls like that?” JJ responded, having seen the interaction from where he stood near the keg and immediately making his way over to you.

“Listen, buddy, I wasn’t talking to you.” The boy stepped closer to JJ, pushing you out of the way and causing you to trip and fall onto the sand. That did it for JJ, who began throwing punches at the Touron who dared lay a hand on you. The Touron didn’t stand a chance against JJ and you quickly realized that you would have to stop him from killing the boy.

“JJ,” you said meekly, hoping that your voice was loud enough to hear. You didn’t want to talk much louder, your head already pounding from the sudden shift of your body when you fell. But he couldn’t hear you, not over the sound of the crowd egging on the fight.

“JJ!” You yelled, already regretting the decision when you felt the throbbing in your head get worse. JJ stopped, looking over at you with furrowed eyebrows. “Can we just go, please?”

JJ slowly nodded, letting go of the Touron and carefully picking you up to take you back to the Chateau. He sat you down on the couch, beginning to move away to turn the lights on, but your grip on his hand was vice-like.

“Y/N, let me turn on the lights, alright sweetheart?”

“No, stay.” JJ couldn’t fight you when you looked so sleepy and utterly adorable. He made his way next to you on the couch where you proceeded to practically fall into his lap. JJ moved so that you were lying comfortably against him, sure that you would probably just fall right asleep. But instead of hearing your soft snores, he felt your hand reach up into his hair and your lips gently trail across his neck. His heart rate sped up, loving the soft attention he was receiving and pulling you closer, running his hands along your sides, only stopping when he heard your breath hitch and felt your body tense.

“Sweetheart, what’s wrong?” He asked.

“N-nothing,” you responded.

“We don’t have to do anything you don’t want to.” He said quickly, afraid that you thought he only wanted to have sex with you and feeling like he was taking advantage of your state of mind by not stopping you from delivering the physical affection he craved. You quickly sat up, staring at him with watery eyes full of disbelief.

“You-you’re not going to...?” You trailed off, not wanting to say it.

“Sweetheart, I’d never take advantage of you like that. Even if you wanted to I wouldn’t let you, you’re not in your right mind right now and I need you to be fully aware if we do this.” He said, thinking that the tears in your eyes and the look on your face were caused by disappointment. Before he knew it you had launched yourself at him, tightly hugging him to you while you sobbed into his shoulder. JJ was beyond confused at this point but he knew that he just needed to be here for you right now. He slowly wrapped his hands around you so as not to startle you.

“Thank you,” you whispered.

“For what?”

“For not taking advantage of me.”

“You don’t have to thank me for that, sweetheart, I’d never do that to you.” You sniffled, mumbling a response. He dearly hoped you didn’t say what he thought you said, but the waver in your voice at the words you spoke was unmistakable.

“It’s not like it hasn’t happened before.” JJ’s heart broke. Someone had taken advantage of you? He quickly pulled you away from him in order to look at you.

“Who?” He questioned. He was beyond angry, ready to fight the person who had made you feel like you needed to thank him for being a decent fucking human being. You shook your head.

“Some Touron a couple of months ago.” A couple of months ago? How did he not know? How could he have let that happen to you?

“We snuck away from the party, I thought he just wanted to talk but I was just being stupid. He was older and made me feel special so I followed along when he suggested we go somewhere else. H-he started touching me, I didn’t want him to. I told him to stop but he didn’t. He started kissing me and then we heard a gunshot. He bolted as soon as he heard it and I tried to come and find you guys.” You were sobbing at this point, not wanting to remember the moment having not fully processed the situation. JJ began crying too, angry that he didn’t protect you and angry that you had been struggling with this alone.

“No, no, no, that’s not your fault. You weren’t being stupid, okay? I’m sorry, sweetheart, I’m so sorry.” He didn’t know what else to say, what could he have said? What happened to you wasn’t okay and he wasn’t sure how to handle it either, so he pulled you close to him, letting you cry into his chest despite the pain it caused him to hear your broken sobs. Soon you fell asleep, the rest of the Pogues having come back to the Chateau not too long after, quietly asking JJ if you were alright. JJ shook his head, silently telling them that they’d have that conversation tomorrow. They all nodded, John B heading to his room and Pope and Kie heading to the spare room to give you guys some space.

As JJ lay in the dark, calmed by your steady breathing, he stroked his hand through your hair and promised you that he would protect you, no matter what.

#obx #obx x reader #obx imagine #obx one shot #obx oneshot #outer banks #outer banks imagine #outer banks x reader #outer banks one shot #outer banks oneshot #jj maybank #jj maybank x reader #jj maybank imagine #jj maybank one shot #jj maybank oneshot #rudy pankow #rudy pankow imagine

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luhlust · 4 years

Note

Hey, uh idk if I asked this already but can you do a Hatsuharu x Reader based on episode 4 season 2 of Fruits Basket? Because, in that episode Hatsuharu had his meltdown. But instead of him having a meltdown because of Rin it’s because you two and dating and had an argument? And uhm basically instead of him grabbing Tohru, he grabs you. And Kyo like punches him bc y’all are good friends~ and the ending is all fluffy and him apologizing for the argument or whatever. (Sorry if this is confusing)~~

Choose Me

Anime: Fruits Basket

Pairing: Soma Hatsuharu x Reader

Overview: Hatsuharu has been spending a lot of time with Rin making you, his girlfriend, jealous ending up with a huge rampage.

Note: I KNOW YOU SAID INSTEAD OF RIN IT SHOULD BE THE READER BUT I THINK IT'S CUTER THIS WAY. I hope you don't mind~ PLUS IM DONE WITH ALL THE REQUIREMENTS AND IM STILL STUDYING BUT THIS IS SUCH A CUTE REQUEST AND I CAN'T HELP BUT WRITE IT. I love Hatsuharu so much.

•-–-•

You really understand Hatsuharu's relationship with Rin. Maybe, a little too much. You were there for him afterall, helping him cope up with her behaviour, letting him cry on you, you supported Hatsuharu. You love him.

You grew to love him just by being together with him was enough for you so when Hatsuharu confessed he too, fell for you, you couldn't believe it, until his lips touched yours, cloud of smoke blinded your eye, laughing as you stared at his Ox form.

You knew Hatsuharu would need a lot of time to fully move on from Rin so you were okay with letting Hatsuharu settle the phase for your relationship.

Lately, Hatsuharu has been spending less time with you to take care of Rin who once again, escaped from the hospital. You didn't mind how he would abruptly go to her side, you didn't mind how he called you to cancel your plans with a short apology, you didn't mind if he kept choosing her over you.

That is before you reached your tipping point.

When Hatsuharu went back to your shared apartment, he really just wanted to sleep. Rin's words continued to ring in his ear, he is beyond exhaustion. He is not in the right state to hear your complaints.

"So, I just want to have your time! I bought us some tickets to th-" "God, can you just please shut up!"

Hatsuharu glared at you, slamming his bag across the room. Your throat suddenly became dry, hands balled into a fist. Hatsuharu immediately wanted to punch himself for bursting on you like that, he was just so annoyed but even he, himself knew it was not a good excuse.

"(y/n)..." He fumbled on his words, what can he say in a situation like this? He wanted to comfort you, his hands were shaking. Wiping the tears from your eyes, you walked passed him and entered the bedroom, leaving Hatsuharu to contemplate on his actions.

"Fuck.." He clicked his tongue.

Hatsuharu grabbed a bottle of water and drank to calm himself down. When he heard the door opened, he turned around and was ready to apologise but his eyes trailed to the duffel bag you were carrying.

"Where are you going?" He questioned softly, even if he already knew the answer. He was hoping it wasn't what he was thinking. "Away." You smiled at him, masking your emotions like you always did.

"Let's break up, Haru. No, Sohma-kun." Hatsuharu's eyes widened, speechless. You took his silence as a que to leave. Mustering up all your strength, you grabbed the doorknob, twisting it to open the door. Hatsuharu acted fast, he slammed the door close, trapping you against it.

"No. You're not going anywhere! C-Can't we fix this?" His voice cracked, he can't let you leave him. You were the only one who understood him, only one who accepted him as a whole! "Please...(y/n)..." Tears streamed down his face, the sight of him broke you more, you had to be strong. Cupping his face, you wiped his tears, trying to soothe him.

"I'm sorry Haru. You kept on choosing her and I kept on choosing you." Biting your lip, you kissed his forehead, Hatsuharu melted against your touch.

"Let me choose myself this time."

Hatsuharu felt like time slowed down as you slipped away from his grasp.

The door closed and he broked down.

He hasn't heard from you for a week.

It was difficult to be away from him, everything just screamed for you to go back and wrap your arms around him. You stayed with Kyo for the mean time, telling them that your apartment was undergoing a few construction and Hatsuharu decided to stay at the main state.

They really didn't question you a lot, you were that good at lying and hiding plus they are your friends too. You continued on with your life, trying to distract yourself. You were currently asked to bring some materials to Tohru's room. "Oh, (y/n)! That looks heavy!" She mused, standing up to help you settle the materials on the teacher's desk.

You stayed for a while, laughing at how they teased Kyo with Tohru. Sometimes you just want to smack the two at how oblivious these two are to their feelings. Seeing them, reminded you of Hatsuharu. Your heart dropped, spacing out of the window, you wondered if he's doing well.

There's something off about the day, you just felt anxious, like something bad is going to happen.

"Oh, Haru turned dark and is currently on a rampage during the homeroom!" Momiji grinned. "What? Why didn't you say earlier!?" You and the others dashed out of the room, bumping towards several people.

You could hear him breaking the windows, the other students and teacher were ourside frightened. You entered the room, everything was a mess.

Kyo immediately tried to talk some sense into him. "Shut up stupid cat. You're very existence causes trouble for us, all! Stupid cat!" His remarked annoyed Kyo immediately.

"Haru, I don't know why you're causing a rampage, but you shouldn't do that here." Hatsuharu clicked his tongue. You knew this was your fault, you knew why he was angry. Seeing him at this state, made you doubt if your decision was right. "Princess Yuki is such a worry-wart. Afraid I'll accidentally transform on my rampage?" His eyes met yours, a frown replacing his smirk.

"What? You're here? How lame." You stepped closer, hands up in surrender. "Haru, stop it. Calm down." Your voice angered him even more. "Stupid. Stupid. So damn, stupid! You're so twitchy, you'll feel a lot better if everyone would know." He reached out to you, grabbing your arm roughly.

"H-Haru...it hurts..." His grip around you tightened, pulling you closer until Kyo punched him. "I don't care what's your problem but is that how you should treat your girl?!" Kyo placed you behind him, shielding you from Hatsuharu.

"What's it to you? She's not my girl anymore." Hatsuharu's words struck you, you felt yourself losing your composure. "Oh I see. You went for the kitty cat didn't you? I shou-" You cut him off with a slap. His cheeks immediately became swollen, everyone stood shocked at the scene. "Enough, Haru..." You walked out of the room, eyes following you everywhere.

Your steps became faster as the time passed, slowly turning into a full sprint. You didn't know where you were going, you just wanted to get out of there.

The teacher managed to settle the issue down by pouring water to both of them, calming Hatsuharu in a snap. After some counselling, Hatsuharu met up with the others, apologizing for his behavior before noticing you were not there. "Where's (y/n)?" He managed to choke out, it was clear to them that he was very anxious.

"She ran out and we haven't seen her since earlier." Tohru answered, fidgeting, not knowing how he would react.

Hatsuharu excused himself, wanting to look for you. You couldn't have gotten that far, he knows you enough to know where you would go. He reached the door to the rooftop, staring at it blankly. You were crying, he was sure of it, so why can't he just open the damn door?

He was scared.

Scared of what you would say to him, scared to lose you more.

"Triple shit." He cussed, letting the door open, hands shielding his eyes from bright rays. He immediately saw you sitting down, music blasting through your phone.

Your eyes were closed but you knew he was there, a shadow loomed over you. You refused to open your eyes, you too were afraid.

Is this what happens when you fall inlove? Is this what love really is? To be afraid of one another yet still want to cling to one another even knowing the fact that they can hurt you anytime?

Hatsuharu doesn't care about anything anymore, he can't let you go, he could never let you go. You were more important to him, he was just selfish. He couldn't let go of the past but he wants a presen and a future with you.

Hatsuharu is more than willing to put his past behind and put you first, that's what he realised during those days of solitude.

He grabbed your arm, pulling you closer to him, still being wary of not hugging you to close in order to prevent himself from transforming despite how startled you were. "Haru...?" You whispered, hands automatically finding its way around his body.

"Ah, I know now.." He smiled, enjoying the way your body tangled. "Home. I never realised it before. (y/n), you're my home." He buried his head against your neck, letting himself succumb to your scent.

"I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry for not being a good boyfriend. I know, I don't deserve you but you can count on me to make me deserve you, if you let me. Will you let me back?" You stared at him, nodding softly, before leaning in for a kiss.

Hatsuharu pulled you closer, his hand behind your head, deepening the kiss. It was desperate but passionate, the two of you missed each other. You love him, even if it hurts.

But is it really love if it doesn't hurt at all?

Your back was against the concrete, Hatsuharu straddled you, pinning you down as he continued to place kissed along your neck. "H-Haru! We can't do this he-ahh." Smirking upon seeing the purple hue on your neck, you smacked his chest. "But (y/n), let me show you how much I love you." He pouted, why did he have to be cute. Your fingeres played with his two-colored hair, you're really an idiot to this idiot.

"Yeah, yeah. Save it in closed doors will 'ya?" You stiffened, seeing Kyo and Yuki in the other side with a small tint of pink dusted on their cheeks. You immediately became flustered unlike Hatsuharu who calmly complained. "You guys are a cockblocker."

Tohru peered in, confused at why they are standing si stiffly. "Kyo? Yuki? Did you find the-" "IDIOT! DON'T LOOK!"

Hatsuharu had to leave to continue talking with his parents. He got suspended for a week while you were "sick" for a week as well.

Hatsuharu made it up to you for a whole week, assuring you that you will now be his first choice. You didn't have to worry about Rin anymore becuase everytime he needed to visit her, it was with you. He would always shield you if things became a little complicated, covering your ears when she said spiteful words, making me drag you out. That was the last time he visited Rin.

Now he's very clingy to you! Devoting his time and energy to you and only you. "(y/n), why are you too close with Yuki. I don't like it." Hatsuharu held you close, glaring at Yuki who just let out a sigh.

"Love birds."

#fruits basket #kyo sohma #yuki sohma #hatsuharu sohma x reader #haru x reader #fruits basket scenarios #fruits basket x reader

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mha-adore · 3 years

Note

hey! ty sm for doing the matchup exchange with me, i look forward to writing your match! i’m rita and i go by she/her pronouns. i have a preference for men & i’m 16. my quirk would be similar to shinso & inumaki from jjk,, i can control ppl and animals just by saying a command,,, an indicator for when i’m using my quirk would be my eyes changing color & a side effect to using my quirk would be getting light headed.

i’m a libra sun, aquarius moon, & leo rising. a slytherin & intj-t. i’m v polite and reserved when you first meet me. i’m pretty introverted and i have anxiety. it takes me while to open up since it takes me a while to trust ppl. i do tend to get annoyed and angry by others easily,, i’m a bit of a hot head. i’m pretty chill and like joking around once i open up,, i can also be kinda dumb. i’m a bit of a loner and i don’t have many friends. i’m actually a bit of an emotional person but only when it comes to shows, movies, books, etc,, i tend to keep my emotions bottled up. i’m self conscious and self critical. i care a lot about having perfect grades and getting into a good university but i’m so lazy (lots of breaks & procrastination) at the same time,, i end up getting everything done on time though. i’m impatient when it comes to my own things so i like doing things my way bc i feel more comfortable that way. i also like keeping things neat. i’ve also been told i have a resting sad face & that i’m intimidating. i wear a lot of black and i’d describe my style as dark academia mixed with 70s-90s fashion. when i’m at home i just wear comfortable clothing like pajama pants and a t-shirt.

my likes/hobbies/interests are baking, playing the sims, writing, and playing board games with ppl i’m close to. i also like relaxing in bed and spending time with people i’m close to and having fun. i’m interested in psychology, true crime, & history. i don’t like arrogant & closed minded people. i look for a partner who is loyal, kind, & open-minded. my love languages are gifts and quality time (both ways).

i hope this isn’t too much,, ty again! <3

Hey friend, it's my pleasure! Thanks sm for offering 💖

Can I just say super quick that your quirk is really cool? You could command an army of bears, raccoons or fire ants. I would be terrified. Also I'm an Aquarius moon and INTJ too, air moons gotta stay together. I totally got a Libra vibe off you when you first messaged me and you're super sweet 🎀 also I totally get you on the anxiety part, I have anxiety too. I know how terrifying it can be to reach out to new people so please know I'm proud of you for taking the chance to reach out to me 😊 and it's never too much; the more detail the better!

I match you with Shoto!

Say hi to the walking AC and heater unit. A couple reasons I picked him is because you mentioned having anxiety and being hot headed. With his father being, well, himself and his mother being the anxious person she is, Shoto understands both sides of the coin very well and knows how to deal with both parts. He can balance being calm and stern at the same time and he has the patience of a saint. He would give you the time and space you need to grow comfortable around new people and surroundings, as well he would be able to keep you grounded when your temper gets the best of you. He mellows you out. My personal headcanon is that he's a Capricorn sun, Scorpio moon, Virgo rising, Ravenclaw and INFP.

He returns your jokes with dry humor. He can keep a dead serious face while making the stupidest jokes too. He could look you dead in the eye, face straight, and rip a monster fart and not giggle just to see your reaction. Honestly the image of him holding eye contact while aggressively farting is funny in my head. I know I have the humor of a 9 year old.

He isn't bothered by you not having many friends. He's a private person and doesn't want a lot of people up in his business. He prefers few close friends over many distant friends. He knows you aren't stupid and pays no attention to anything you say that may sound dumb. He's heard so much dumb shit he learned to filter it from his brain.

He understands that you're closed off on your emotions. He really can't blame you, he's quite the same. If you get a little teary eyed over a book or movie he'll let you talk it out and cry if you'd like, but he won't push you to be uncomfortably open to him. He values your happiness over his own and doesn't mind you keeping your feelings to yourself. He respects your privacy. Regardless of what you may feel conscious or critical of about yourself he's there to remind you that you're perfect. You're healthy, you're strong and you're doing the best you can. No one could ask any more from you. He's lived a majority of his life feeling outcasted and ignored because of his scar and wouldn't wish the same on anyone, so if there's any part of you that you feel bad about he's always reminding you that you have no imperfections, everything about you makes you one of a kind. You're irreplicable.

He isn't worried about you procrastinating on studying or homework. As long as you get it done and do well enough he isn't concerned. If you ever have difficulty with a subject he's happy to help you study and learn. If you want he can ask Momo to join for a study party if you want the extra help or company. He just wants to see you succeed and get into the college of your cotton candy dreams. Oh and don't worry about your tuition, he has it covered. Don't even mention it to him it'll already be paid off, including books and living arrangements. He only wants you to pay him back by doing your best in school and showing him you can handle the hard work.

He always has a suggestion on ways you can do things but he knows you prefer to do them by yourself, so he'll neber bombard you with his ideas. If you ask for his input he has plenty to give but otherwise he gives you the room to make your own moves. He's a neat freak himself and is always happy to help you keep your room clean and well put together. He has good room decor ideas too if you want to spruce up your room.

He really doesn't see you as intimidating. He sees a confident, independent and strong young woman who can hold her own. He occasionally wonders if you're really sad or if that's just your expression and he'll occasionally ask. He's only making sure you're okay. If you're sad he's on it with a cute or funny movie, some snacks, a shoulder to cry on and a whole night's worth of stuff to talk about.

He likes your sense of fashion, he enjoys darker and warmer colors. He lives for the 80s aesthetic and loves to see you mix the two so effortlessly. He can, wants to and will give you his t shirts to wear at home. He'll also loan you hoodies and sweaters. He won't outright buy you a hoodie, he'll buy one for himself and let you get away with stealing it from him.

He's so soft for home made cookies and would love for you to make him some. Home made dinners are also great. He would love to help you bake and would enjoy baking dates. He'll also watch shows like Hell's Kitchen with you. He isn't exactly a huge gamer but he likes simulation games and RPGs like Sims, Animal Crossing, Pokemon, Harvest Moon etc. He'll binge these games with you all day and night. Your Sims have to get married to each other it's the law. He enjoys reading what you write - what you don't mind sharing of course. He won't go peeking in your personal writing, he knows it isn't his place. Concerning what you do share he'll read it with great interest and share his thoughts and any ideas he has. He would really enjoy writing something with you, like a short story or a comic. He loves how you convey your writing and would be honored to take part in it. His favorite board game is Candy Land, a close second being Monopoly, followed by Scrabble. He pulls out a big ass dictionary during Scrabble just to prove to people that he knows his vocabulary. He loves you dearly but all bets are off during Monopoly, it's a dog eat dog world and he isn't bailing you out of jail. He will, however, offer you real money in turn for properties in the game. No that isn't cheating the rules say nothing about it. He has no problem with a lazy day in bed though and wouldn't mind just dozing or watching shows together. Any time spent with you is time spent well. You two could watch paint dry together and he would have a blast. He'll buy the paint.

With his personal involvment in hero work he has lots of info on true crime cases and can share stories and books with you. He has everything from small robberies to Ted Bundy and beyond. If you have a question about a true crime case he has an answer. As for psychology I imagine he would study it himself, perhaps as a secondary career or freelance hobby. He'll examine characters from books and movies with you and run his own behavioral analysis unit from his bedroom. The FBI doesn't hold a candle to him. He can, will and already has tracked down your enemies and he has their addresses. With his father being the new number one hero he essentially has the force of the law in his hands and if need be, he will use it. He won't do anything unjust unless your safety is in jeopardy but he won't hesitate to bring someone down. As for history he has plenty of books ranging from founding of countries to wars, to major technological advancements to the invention of toilet paper. He knows some very niche history facts. If you need to impress a teacher with knowledge on history he has you covered. He'll make the teacher quit their job in shame.

Shoto is absolutely loyal to the end, open minded and kind to a fault. He understands how it's like to be ignored, misunderstood and bullied and he won't treat anyone else that way. Regardless of his opinion on someone he still gives them respect and kindness. He doesn't care how rude or petty someone acts, they're still a human and deserve to be treated as such.

He goes out of his way to buy you special gifts, he values personal meaning over monetary value. Between a basic cheap necklace and an expensive bracelet of your favorite gemstone and color, you bet he's going for the bracelet. The cost isn't important to him, he just wants to see your face light up when you open the gift. As for gifts from you he doesn't care about how much you spent, he just wants something from the heart. You could give him an origami swan that cost you nothing to make and he would treasure it like a rare antique. As for quality time, he always enjoys a good movie, board game, cuddle session or just a nap. Like I mentioned before, any time spent together is time spent well.

I hope you enjoyed this friend!! 🥀 I'll be sending my part your way soon, thanks again for the offer! I had a lot of fun with this one 😘

#iidastiddies #mha x reader #bnha x reader #matchup #mha matchup #bnha matchup #matchup exchange #shoto #todoroki #shoto todoroki #todoroki shoto #todoroki x reader #shoto x reader #shoto todoroki x reader #todoroki shoto x reader

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sneyrwrites · 4 years

Text

Level Of Concern | Ushijima Wakatoshi x Anxious!Reader

|Wordcount: 1,5k |

|Genre: Fluff, slight angst, I’m an angsty gal. |

|Warnings: Just a reflection of my isolated mood bc of quarantine ;u; (2 months and still going |

|Inspiration Snong: Level of concern -Twenty One Pilots|

|Clarification: The measures taken by the government in my country might differ from the rest of the countries. Here (Arg.) You can request a permit of circulation in case you need it. Assisting someone is a valid reason.|

The world was going crazy. As a college student, you were in self quarantine in your apartment. All by yourself.

Your roommate had gone to her hometown to spend this time with her family. You weren't as lucky. The only thing you wanted was to not feel as bothered by the isolation as you felt. Alone with no one to talk, you were relying only on your phone for a way of communication with your loved ones.

You were specially concerned about your mom, as she was a nurse, in the Frontline of this crisis, and she was exposed to the Covid-19. You didn't want to imagine what would happen is she got infected, your chest constricting with fear just thinking about it. And to make it all worse, your boyfriend was not responding to your texts. You knew it was dumb to be upset by that, Ushijima was never the type of guy to constantly be on his phone, busy with his schoolwork or training, so it wasn't like his behavior changed at all, even if the circumstances had.

You would often visit each other through the weekends, sometimes even staying a bit longer to make up for the long waits. He was on the other side of the city, and most of his weekdays consisted of studying and training. This pandemic had taken away the precious time you two had together, and you were so pissed about it. It would've been awesome if he could've come over and spent the quarantine together.

You'd hoped this odd circumstances would give him some extra time to be on his phone, maybe even able to do a video call to soothe your nerves. Ushijima was your cable to earth most of the time, keeping your anxiety ridden thoughts at Bay with his words. But strange enough, his demeanor towards you was the same if not colder than usual. With all the load of work your professors had given you, you were a little distracted, but the moment you tried to relax, the message left on read on your phone screen made your stomach coil with concern. Was Wakatoshi ignoring you on purpose? Your good morning text was left on read, even after a good amount of hours he still hadn't reply. You haven't felt this way since you proposed a more serious relationship to Ushi. The insecurity was etched in your brain, and on top of that the constant worry about your mom didn't help at all. Sitting on the couch, you typed on the screen. Wakatoshi was on-line, but still, he was ignoring you. You couldn't take it anymore.

"Hey Ushi... I'm really concerned about this whole situation..."

You hit send, waiting as he saw the text and typed a reply.

"There's no need to be. If you stay home there's no danger".

Your eyes opened up with surprise at his answer. Did he just brushed your concern off? That was way too cold even for him. He couldn't be that oblivious. You understood he was a little socially awkward, but this was ridiculous.

Insecurity took the best of you and, feeling rejected, you started to think about your entire relationship.

Since the beginning you were the one who approached him, Ushijima not caring about your person at all. The day you finally had enough of just watching him from the sidelines and you approached him with your feelings out in the open, he just responded with a confused expression.

But still, he accepted.

You tried to spend time together, going to his games and his practices when he was okay with it, which was all the time, almost like he didn't care at all if you were there.

Maybe it was just pity... that would explain how mean he was being. You considered confronting him about it, but decided against it. You were feeling bad enough, a fight with him was just going to drag you down even deeper.

Throwing a pity party, you allowed yourself to drown your sorrows in ice cream and romcoms. you searched on Netflix for a few minutes until you came across the classic "He's just not that into you "

How fitting? You thought ironically.

As your eyes welled with tears, you pressed play

A day had passed, and you still hadn't talked to Ushijima at all. It was a consistent proof that you were the only one into the relationship. If you didn't reach out to him he wasn't going to. Seeing the end of the relationship coming up, you cried again.

You were in love with him, for real. The moments you two had together were happy ones, never once a fight in the six months you were together, and Ushijima was affectionate in his own way, like for example holding your hand on the streets, or treating you to your favorite snack...

But come to think about it, it was his favorite too, and holding hands was really that big of a deal?

After your daily crying session over your failed relationship, you talked to your mom. Luckily she was fine, the hospital providing her with the protection gear. That made you feel a bit better, but still, the whole situation was shitty. You felt like you were in the apocalypse, and the one you loved was not there with you. In fact, scratch that, he didn't even care.

If only Ushi would text you, He could bring down your level of concern, even if it was something small, like a "Hey" or a "u ok?" but your notifications where still as empty as ever.

You had to confront him about your feeling sooner or later, but still, you had no doubt that once you did, everything was going to be over and maybe it wasn’t the best time to do it, in that kind isolation you were going to go nuts, and adding the stress of a breakup was not a good idea.

You were so confused. So doing what you do best, you picked up the phone and ordered takeout. Stress eating was your defense mechanism.

Not even ten minutes went by when the sound of the doorbell filled your apartment. You hurriedly made your way to the door, not caring about your messy look, with your disheveled hair and puffy eyes. It was a shitty situation, and everybody had it rough, so nobody could judge you.

Taking out your wallet with one hand, ready to pay for the food, you opened the door, only to be surprised by who was at the hallway.

“Toshi?” You whispered surprised, it almost felt like a dream, you were tempted to pinch yourself just in case.

What was he doing outside your apartment? In the middle of a quarantine? Specifically him, who was a Mr. Goody Two-shoes.

“Can i come in?” He asked when you didn’t offer. Nodding, you moved aside to let him in, the surprise still present.

You looked at him, in his sweatpants, and the black hoodie that covered his hair. You almost laughed when you noticed that he looked like a ninja with the also black face mask. A back pack that seemed about to explode hang from his shoulder, as his hands carried two grocery bags filled to the brim.

Ushijima noticed your confused gaze and left the bags on top of the table. Taking his face mask off, he shrugged his backpack and looked at you .

“I thought you might be having a rough time by yourself here, so I the permission to stay with you.... I hope you don’t mind. I can leave if you want to.” You still didn’t respond, too commoved to speak. “Sorry I didn’t reply, but my phone got wet and it’s bee glitching since, that’s why I didn’t warn you before coming.”

Well, now you just felt guilty for doubting Ushijima's feelings for you. This was a solid proof he actually cared, and pure love for him filled your heart.

“Do you mind?” He asked again, still not sure. You didn’t reply and walked up to him, attempting to hug him. “Wait, I need to wash this clothes and wash my hands just in case.” Ushijima stopped you, shrugging off his hoodie and going to the washing machine.

There was his logical and responsible boyfriend you knew and loved.

He came back with a fresh shirt on and smelling like your vanilla soap. Wakatoshi was the one to hug you, his arms circling your shoulders and bringing your body closer to him, forehead colliding with his chest.

“Did you finish your online classes today?” He asked.

“Yes, do you want to do something in particular?” Your voice was muffle by the fabric of his shirt but he understood, anyway.

“I brought those wierd chips you like, and some candy in case you were feeling under the weather. Do you want to watch a movie? Or whatever you prefer." He proposed, his hand caressing your hair with affection.

The anxiety and nerves you had all dissipated as you watched Ushijima set the couch with a bunch of blankets and pillows so you can sit on it and have a movie night.

Ushijima really knew how to bring your level of concern down, and that's why you loved him so much.

|Author Note: So this is a stress writing, bc my (ex)boyfriend confessed he cheated on me, so Yay!. Ushijima wouldn’t treat me like this ;u; I’m sorry if it too cheesy, but I kinda needed it|

✘ Masterlist

#Ushijima wakatoshi x reader #wakatoshi ushijima x reader #ushijima #wakatoshi #ushijima wakatoshi #wakatoshi ushijima #reader insert #Haikyuu! x reader #Haikyuu xreader #haikyuu!!#Haikyuu!! reader insert #haikyuu fanfic #fanfiction #one shot #I love this man so much ;-;#Ushiwaka

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gra-sonas · 4 years

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Hi! Can I just say that the thing I'm most thankful for today is you and your blog. It's literally the onlu tumblr I check every single day without fail & especially in times of turmoil your positivity just brings this peace. I'll be the 1st to admit that I'm not a fan of CAM, to say that I've disliked her since TVD is putting it mildly, but I just came from another blog and saw all these posts listing her faults. I know she's not perfect and I don't even like her but those posts weighed me down

2 so I just went back to your blog to reread all your positive response and I just wanted to say thank you. I didn't even expect to feel bad bec of criticism of CAM bec they were very valid points. But hammering it out after all these time is just heavy om the heart. I feel like what we need to do now is to move forward and heal and put her behind us. So I'm looking forward to any positive feeling or thoughts you'll be willing to share with us. You are a force of good and I'm sending you love

Goodness, I’ve received so much love yesterday, I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed that this continues. 😳Your message made me smile tho, and I thank you for your kind words, nonnie! It makes me happy to know that my blog brings you some comfort. ❤️❤️❤️

Ngl, we’ve had a bit of a rough year. First the S1 finale debacle, then a very long hiatus that left the fandom fractured, followed by a rather underwhelming season 2 - it’s no surprise that there’s currently a lot of bitterness being voiced, especially since CAM contributed in different, and sometimes quite significant ways to what’s upset people. Believe me, I too am still bitter about quite a few things.

But I don’t want to let that bitterness consume me, I don’t want to dwell on it, especially now, when there’s a clean cut and a somewhat promising future on the horizon.

For my own peace of mind, I want to focus on positivity, the possibilities, and all the things I LOVE about the show and its characters. Because there’s still so much I love about RNM (the reason why I’m still here, even tho I didn’t watch S2). S3 won’t be on our screens for another year, and I’d rather try and enjoy the time as much as I can (I don’t want another hellatus...).

I got a lot of asks the night when news broke that she’d leave the show (more than 50 👀), and quite a few of them pointed out negative things about her, listed rumors about her behavior (some dating back to times prior to RNM), mentioned rude comments she’s made, stuff like that. And I’m okay with people sending me these kinds of asks (I get it, sometimes it just feels good to blow off steam).

I didn’t publish them tho, bc like you, the negativity tends to weigh me down, and I don’t want to amplify it.

Tbh, I’m just really tired of being weighed down by negativity. The show did that to me for the longest time (especially the last couple of months), and CAM definitely did play her part in that. But she’s gone now, and I’m more than ready to move on.

There’s nothing we can change about the past 2 seasons, none of the mistakes or writing choices that were made can be undone. Canon is what it is (minus that scene, I refuse to acknowledge its existence), and I more than understand that not everyone’s ready to move on yet, that some of that bitterness has to get out first, be discussed and maybe rehashed a couple more times - all in order to eventually let it go.

I want to focus on the good things from now on tho. I want to fangirl, read fic, write fic (haha, as if my muse would let me 😒DEAR MUSE, I HAVE A BIG BANG TO WRITE, PLS DON’T MAKE IT SO HARD FOR ME), make gifs, perhaps rewatch some S1 scenes. I want to swoon over Tyler, laugh at Vlamis, slowly get excited about S3 around the time they return to Santa Fe - just nurture the little seed of hope that things will be better next season.

I really do feel a lot more hopeful now. I’m not as anxious anymore, I don’t dread thinking about the future of the show like I used to. I’m well aware that even with a new show runner things can go sideways. Chris Hollier isn’t some savior who’s gonna magically fix all past mistakes and will never make any of his own.

He just seems a little less unpredictable, a little less “vindictive”, and a lot less thriving on misery, all things I appreciate. He’s also not constantly on social media to either “spy” on what fans are talking about, or barging in to “correct” us when we supposedly focus on the “wrong” things.

We may have lost the hot wire connection to the show runner, but imo that can be an advantage. I’m sure regardless of him not monitoring fan activity on Twitter and Tumblr 24/7, Chris is well aware of how important Malex are to fans, and he knows how important they are to Tyler and Vlamis. I believe he also knows about all the grievances fans have regarding making PoC the villains, mistreating Maria, sidelining characters, and so on.

He doesn’t have to be on social media to be aware of these things (many of the RNM writers are on social media, it would be a miracle if they didn’t talk about stuff like that in the writers room), and I hope he’s gonna fix some of the more glaring issues, and hopefully he’ll refrain from fucking up Malex (I believe they are in good hands with him tho).

Anyway, this got long and super rambly. Sorry, must’ve been something in the water this morning xD

Here’s to a mostly enjoyable hiatus, what I can do to make it a little more silly and fun, I’ll do. ✨💚👽

#nonnie asks

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stonerbughead · 4 years

Text

Maria watches friday night lights (#29)

5x06! The theme of this episode for me is: Maybe Billy and Mindy Are Gonna Be Okay Parents After All!!

all the feels under the cut:

Lol whenever it’s a Luke episode they start in church.

Who else is at church? Let’s see: Julie’s back looking like she wants to Die, and Buddy Jr. fell asleep; Vince and Jess look adorable side by side in the pew.

“Eric Taylor: Kingmaker.” Lol Tami’s reaction is correct: “Kingmaker? Jesus Christ.”

Yeeeesh Julie trying to explain why she’s home from college is soooo cringe.

“What a good lookin couple” @ Julie and Buddy Jr. like they’re five year olds like nooo absolutely not! don’t do that to Julie, Buddy.

Every time Vince’s dad is here I’m so anxious bc I’m truly just waiting for him to break Vince’s heart again!

Omg the mayhem in the Riggins home when Tim calls, between Mindy and Becky and Billy! And omg Mindy sitting on Becky’s legs to keep her from getting up to try to say hi to Tim. Awww they all miss him so much—as do I!

Oh god and now an old enemy is here to press Vince for FIVE Gs???

Julie looks so cute trying to head back to school but I’m scared for her! She has a difficult situation she’s driving back to...if she is actually driving back to college!

Omgggg she just purposefully crashed the car to keep from having to go back???? FUCK, destructive behavior!!!

Aw I’m glad Vince is confiding in Jess about the money but...what are they gonna do 😭

Oh poor Luke, TMU wasn’t interested in him after all! I can see he’s gonna spiral.

Really, they’re all holding the Eric Taylor magazine in the bleachers? Lol

Oh shit the branding themselves thing made it back to the coaches?? TOO MUCH

“It’s every coach’s dream to experience the highest form of idiocy they can muster. And gentlemen, collectively us coaches, we are living our dreams.” Lmaooooooo

Ugh Julie isn’t telling Tami anything about school 🤦🏻‍♀️ “what’s going on?” TAMI KNOWS. Oh god making her promise to not freak out when she’s about to tell her mom she fucked a married TA.

“She slapped me in front of everyone, the whole dorm. I can’t go back there and I don’t know what to do.” Ugh Tami is a good parent for listening pretty non judgmentally considering the subject matter.

Ugh Eric being angry af and asking how old he is, same! “I’m gonna go up there and kick his ass! Who is up there messing around with students, with my damn daughter? One of the TAs?” CORRECT GO OFF ERIC

“Honey, our daughter is destroyed right now. That’s what we need to focus on.” also true ugh they’re such a good partnership

Ugh Eric immediately knowing she wrecked the car on purpose. He’s right and aw Tami doesn’t believe it.

“Maybe i should go traveling.” Uh Julie gurl no you should not! You’re making lots of bad choices and Tami is right, you need to take some responsibility for it!

“I just don’t get why I couldn’t talk to Tim for five minutes.” “Omg Becky because it’s a prison and not a dorm.” Correct, Mindy.

Omg dying at Mindy basically saying “I think you need to have some sex so you’ll stop lusting after a man in prison who is just your friend.” Love this scene of them shopping together!

Is Eric leaving early bc of Julie reasons or football reasons? I think Julie.

“Did you know he was married and had a wife?” Yeah I’d be as hurt as Eric is rn too.....bc she did that! ugh cheating is so awful

Oooooh Vince gave the guy that partial payment and stood up for himself...I’m scared for him! Ah!

“Our daughter slept with another man’s husband.” As someone who’s dad is a dirty cheater, I feel Eric’s disappointment but Tami is right that she needs y’all!

Luke is mad at Vince now. Well fook. They had just buried the hatchet and Vince didn’t know about the TMU bait and switch! This recruiting culture is so toxic.

Oh fuck no this dude is threatening and harassing Jess instead of Vince???? Omg he’s threatening to burn down the bbq joint?! Oh god

Awww Billy tearing up while watching old game tape of Tim’s, my heart🥺

Oh god belligerent Luke is here for Becky now. Billy really is growing up, realizing Luke is drunk and pulling him inside to keep him from driving WOW

Awww the baby in the landing strip dressing room with Becky, what a cute image.

Good point, Billy! “Were you thinking about scholarships when you were playing football at eight years old?”

Oh and he’s letting out a war cry?? Lol “I may have been the smallest guy in my team but I had heart.” Billy’s little speeches are starting to stack up.

Did Vince almost go to Eric but come to his dad instead? Ruh roh!

“Used to be Kennard wasn’t nothing but a little corner boy.” Is this a Wire reference? Lol bc very good one if so.

Oh shitttt this scene of Eric and Tami trying to get Julie to go to college is A LOT. 😭

Fuck! Eric hasn’t shown up to the game bc of this Julie thing, it’s really tearing him up!

Oh wow is this gonna be a Big Moment for Billy leading the team out?

“It’s Friday night in our house.” Oh here we go another Billy Riggins original!

And here’s Eric listening to Billy’s speech! Billy Becomes A Man

“It’s a good job.” Eric says. wow he got that approval! Billy really made it!

“Who you are on that field tonight is who you’re gonna be for the rest of your life, fellas.” And a classic Eric Taylor speech too as they walk out onto the field!

I knew Vince’s dad was gonna confront this dude himself and not actually call in favors. Oh shit he beat the SHIT out of Kennard, I see what they said about him being the king of the block before....the fact that his dad is beating the shit out of Kennard on the other side of the fence as where Vince is playing! DAMN.

Two types of dads in Dillon, huh? Geez!

Yay Luke puts the ball in the lil case at the bar for this game! Maybe things are looking up.

“I’m gonna take credit for everything you did tonight and I’m gonna live off that for awhile.” Wow am I actually proud of Billy’s ability to mentor Luke? Growth.

“By the time we’re done we’re gonna get you a scholarship anywhere you wanna go in the country.” My heart

Ooh and Mindy is playing match maker with Luke and Becky still!

You’re still not over Tim Riggins, Becky??? Mindy making sure that Becky isn’t waiting on Tim getting out of prison is actually a very good move. Oh shit and she’s pulling Luke from her husband over to Becky!!! “You’re both young and hot and you both need to get laid.” Love that she told them to screw like bunnies but made sure to mention protection! So funny.

(Lol Luke being so flustered and saying he promises he didn’t tell Mindy to say that, so cute! I’m dead.)

“You ain’t gotta worry about nothin. Just play football, do what you do.” Oh boy I do NOT believe that. Jess and Vince’s families eating pie together is way too nice, it’s gonna have to be messed up soon I’m assuming!

Damn Vince’s dad talking about how much prison sucks hits hard. “You’re sad all the time and you don’t know if you’ll ever be happy again.” Yep! Maybe prisons don’t actually help people rehabilitate themselves but just disappear social problems and make them worse!

Awww Gracie is so cute and sleepy and Eric’s thinking, hey at least you didn’t fuck someone’s husband yet LOL

“I didn’t mean to disappoint you.” oh Julie! Not just me who got that vibe! Yes we are all sadly very disappointed!

cc @lockitin @iconic-ponytail

#maria watches friday night lights #mine #friday night lights 5x06

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klaushargreevesofficial · 5 years

Text

call my bluff, call you “babe”

steve harrington x robin’s best friend!reader

requests: heeey could you write steve harrington x fem! reader where she is robin’s best friend and she had a crush on steve during high school but he never notified her but one day she went visiting robin during her work and steve falls in love with at first sight (like she has a different personality from robin, she has like a bubbly personality) ijkohghjjkk thank you so much !!

Steve falling for robin’s best friend and her being skeptical bc she liked Steve in high school

title from taylor swift’s “it’s nice to have a friend”

word count: 4,381 (!!)

warning for cursing because i have the vocabulary of a 12 year old boy

“so you don’t care about me, is what I'm hearing.”

“god, you’re dramatic, y/n,” robin laughed, trying to pull on her shoes while navigating around her room. she was failing to maintain her balance, and every clumsy hop around her room served as punctuation of your premature loneliness. Robin was heading to work, an early morning after your late night sleepover. curled up to your ears in her sheets, your eyes followed her around the room.

“I can't believe you’re leaving me to go hang out with steve harrington.” you punctuated your statement with a faux gag. Robin replied with a noncommittal hum and leveled her eyes with yours, serving to agitate you more.

“I'm not hanging out with him. I'm trying to make money so I can afford all of the expensive candy you like for movie nights.” finally dressed and ready for work, robin sat on the edge of her bed. “and you,” she poked your head, “would like him, he’s not that bad anymore! annoying? yes! but an asshole? not at all.”

listening to her lift steve up made you uneasy. all through high school, steve had been your dream boy. hadn’t he been everyone’s? with the hair, the eyes, the swagger in his step as he walked past you in the hallway...you just about died thinking about it. how embarrassing, you thought. having a crush on steve, the untouchable asshole of your formative years, was about as out of character and cringey as you could have gotten. he never spoke a word to you except to ask to copy off of your homework, and even then, he called you by the wrong name. but god, that boy was pretty.

after graduation, you did your best to avoid steve at all costs. not that he would notice or care, but rather for your sake. it was embarrassing to recall the amount of times you had imagined him choosing staying at your house over a party, or fantasized about running your fingers through his hair. it was your character flaw that you decided to ignore and actively suppress. steve was an asshole, and you recognized that. thus, the active forgetting of steve harrington.

the plan to gradually forget about your schoolgirl feelings for steve had been working, working really well. you’d stopped obsessing over that one time he had accidentally bumped your shoulder in the hallway (and walked away without apologizing, thank you very much), and you couldn’t even remember what color his eyes were. then robin sauntered into your house with her spare key and an unperturbed way about her, proclaiming she landed the mall job and “y/n, you’d never believe who my co-worker is.” and then the humiliation that came with liking steve came rushing back.

did you resent steve? not at all. but at certain points, when you were at your lowest, you wished he could feel as lowly and unimportant as him and his adolescent goons had made you feel. sometimes, though you would never admit it, you wished steve harrington would pine after you, simply so you could brush him off and crush his pretty boy heart as he had crushed yours in high school. but thoughts like that made you feel bad, and were definitely not feasible. the only time nowadays that you had a vague hatred towards steve was when robin went to work. screw him for winning over your best friend too.

“go to work, buckley. when you come home, i’ll be here, in this spot, borderline comatose. wake me up then.” you turned to your side and closed your eyes.

“maybe you could come see me at work, y/n! i’m sure my parents would much prefer that, rather than you lounging in my house all day.”

“mmm, they love me,” you replied, already slipping back into a half-asleep state.

------------------------

“y/n!” robin exclaimed. “wait, is that my shirt?” you stalked into scoops ahoy, dark circles under your eyes. you had awoken after another 3 hours of sleep, and after 30 another minutes of being alone in robin’s house, you decided to finally bite the bullet and visit her at work. there was no motivation besides boredom, loneliness, and the hope that robin’s offers of free ice cream when trying to coax you to come still stood.

“i’m exhausted. can i get a vanilla cone?”

“i don’t see you opening your wallet to pay, y/n,” she said, her motions towards the freezer contradicting her words. she scooped a cone for you and one for herself, and you guys chuckled at how quick robin was to shell out ice cream that would probably come from her paycheck. leaning against the counter, you reveled in the silence that settled as you ate your ice cream. you cherished these moments with robin, where you guys could just enjoy each other’s presence, words unnecessary. for as much as the two of you talked, they didn’t occur often, but when they did, they were peaceful.

robin and you both were enjoying the serenity of the moment, and then there was steve. loud, doors swinging, calling (or shouting, rather) for robin. instantly, you were on edge, and robin sensed it. she was aware of your past feelings towards steve, but unaware of how vast and intensely they spread. she was there when you’d comment quietly to her how nice he looked in his jeans, but absent for the doodling of “harrington” in hearts on the margins of your papers.

seeing steve was a gust of wind in your hair and a suckerpunch to your gut, simultaneously. rigid, ice cream dripping down your hand, you turned to robin, who, despite being engaged in a conversation with steve about their break schedules, was subtly keeping an eye on you, making sure you were okay. “uh, robin?” both heads turned towards you, the first time steve had acknowledged you. the “ahoy” on their sailor hats was so aggressively there and ugly, it only served to make you more anxious.

“is this…?” steve gave robin a look as if to communicate something to her, something secret, and you knew immediately what---or who, rather---he was referencing. stacey. he thought you were stacey. stacey was robin’s beau, who you had listened robin talk about, cry about, gush about, for weeks. you felt blessed, as robin’s best friend, to be able to coach her through her first relationship, which you understood must be extra difficult as a closeted gay woman. robin never had any shortage of stacey related topics to talk about, and you were glad to serve as a sounding board. you’d always just assumed you were the only one robin could bounce her thoughts off of, especially because of her sexuality.

steve thought you were stacey. which means...steve knew robin’s best kept secret. of course steve knew. robin had been preaching about how great and un-assholey he’d become since graduation, something that would only be tested and tried by robin’s candid confession of who she loved. you felt stupid for not having figured it out earlier. steve knew.

“no, harrington,” you piped up, finally regaining your ability to speak for the first time since steve had kicked open the door to the Scoops backroom. “my name’s y/n, and we actually went to high school together. i’d say i’m surprised you don’t remember me, but you were an asshole back then, so….” you let your voice trail off, expecting a snarky remark back from the boy in front of you. steve knew.

the only person behind the counter to pipe up was robin. “steve, this is y/n, my best friend, who is acting, surprisingly, much like one of those assholes she constantly proclaims to hate.” although she was addressing steve, her eyes were locked with yours. there was a jovial tone to her voice, she was clearly not upset with you, but you tilted your chin out in defiance, and tossed the remainder of the ice cream cone away. steve knew. he was quiet. “y/n,” robin began, her voice calm, “i’ll meet you at the Gap on my break. 2:45. go cool off, please?” you took a peek at your casio calculator watch. you had 45 minutes to kill. you gave her a curt nod, and completely disregarded silent steve as you walked out of the ice cream parlor. what had just happened?

no, you didn’t mean to completely be a dick. it was hard to dissect your feelings. it certainly wasn’t fair for you to be upset that robin told steve her secret. you were proud she felt safe enough to share that important part of herself with him. if anything, you were more upset that of all the people in Hawkins, she chose your self-proclaimed, one-sided enemy. but still, unfair. and...you sighed. steve hadn’t even said anything to you. could you blame him? he didn’t remember you, y/n, get over it, you thought. how long were you going to let your internal struggle with steve dictate your actions? especially now that there was a chance at a...mutual friendship of sorts, through robin. had you not fucked that up by the scene you’d just caused.

seeing steve dredged up a lot of negative emotions, you realized. it was embarrassing, especially because everything you and steve “had” was fabricated in your brain. one sided, imaginary, call it what you want. and yet, here you were, harboring real, genuine hurt. at what point does an adult let go of these childish fantasies and quit playing the victim? had you only hurt steve’s feelings (which you weren’t entirely sure you did, seeing as he was just so quiet), maybe you wouldn’t have had the mindset shift, but you could tell robin was upset with your petulant behavior. and quite frankly, you were tired of holding on to high school. you turned on your heel, chuck taylors squeaking against the shiny mall floor, and walked back to scoops ahoy.

the parlor was empty. no one lounging at the tables, cheerily eating a sundae. you assumed this was why steve and robin were huddled in the back room, having a hushed conversation that you could only hear remnants of. you chose to ignore steve yet again, but this time simply to give you the guts to ring the service bell repeatedly. if you pretended only robin could answer, it was easier to be annoying. she was used to you. so, with a heavy hand, you rang the bell. ding. ding. ding. ding. as you poised to ring it once more, steve opened the backroom door, scooper in hand.

he let out a breath of what you marked as relief. maybe he’s just glad you wouldn’t actually be ordering ice cream, you thought, until he said, “i was hoping it was you.”

“oh?” you spluttered, forgetting your whole purpose for returning to the ice cream shoppe.

“yeah, y/n, i just,” he sighed as if to organize his thoughts. “you were right when you said that i didn’t remember you from high school because i was a pompous dick.”

“i didn’t say those words!” you defended, then gestured for him to continue.

“well, you might as well have. i just wanted to apologize, because i really sucked back then. i’m working on it.”

were you ever expecting an apology from steve? no. maybe a few months ago you would have revelled in this, would have eaten it up and made him beg for forgiveness. but at this point, you had changed, and you felt that he didn’t even have to apologize. well, for much, at least.

“you’re good, steve. i’m sorry for caring so much about social hierarchy. it probably isn’t even fair for you to apologize to me.” you shrugged.

steve leaned his elbows on the counter, next to the register, and thought for a moment. “fairness is subjective though, isn’t it? like, what’s fair to you might not be fair to me, or vice versa.”

--------------

after you and steve had apologized to each other in the parlor of Scoops Ahoy, you, him, and robin had been inseparable. no outsiders would ever be able to tell that there was ever a time when you and steve weren’t on good terms...or on any terms for that matter. as time progressed, you’d now easily call steve one of your best friends. you rarely were not at scoops ahoy, hanging out in the backroom and avoiding their managers. steve had an open invitation to your movie nights, now, although he wasn’t yet granted key privileges like robin was. (you were sure your parents would kill you if you ever gave steve harrington a key to your house.) you’d sat backseat in steve’s car as he and robin scream-sang songs you didn’t know the words to. steve and robin had a bond that you could never begin to understand, and you and robin had one steve could never understand.

where did that leave you and steve? working on it, for sure. he was funny, intelligent, and quite personable. he was a great friend to robin, and a great friend to you. you felt bad for writing him off so soon. nothing was difficult with steve. you guys had split and shared plenty of burgers at the local diners, and often the two of you would go to the video store, where you educated steve about movies and their importance. steve was clingy, more so onto you than robin. he always wanted to come over, or wanted you to come hang out, or begged for you to tag along when him and robin went on an adventure.

once, steve had sat you down with a very serious look in his eye, visibly nervous, and declared that you were his best friend. he didn’t know what a best friend felt like, he said, but since you were the person he liked to spend time with the most, it must be you. before you could reply with a similar sentiment, he had added “and robin. but she knew that.”

so, yeah, things were good. and they remained good for months.

and then the switch flipped, and steve started skipping trio adventures, and calling off of work on days robin worked. calls were fielded, and whenever you caught him in the streets, he brushed you off with a “hey y/n” and a “gotta go.” you were worried, because he was isolating himself with no explanation. there was hardly a ghost of him in the spots the three of you frequented “what’s wrong with steve?” you had asked robin when you first noticed his prolonged absence. robin hadn’t brought steve up for a week, which was odd. normally conversations were peppered with his name, although you and robin had always tried your hardest to pass the in real life bechdel test.

robin’s response of “i don’t want to talk about him,” confirmed your sneaking suspicion that something had occurred for steve to become so cold. robin and steve were two of the most easy going people you had ever met, so for them to have had an argument seemed far fetched. robin’s stoney features after you had mentioned his name, however, made it obvious to you that an altercation had happened.

----------------

“what are you doing here?” steve stood behind his door, keeping it open only a hair so you couldn’t wedge yourself inside.

“what is going on with you?” you asked coldly. the time for reaching out gently had passed. “you’ve been absolutely ignoring robin & i, and for what, you asshole?”

“oh shit, is she here?” his eyes scanned his front lawn frantically, in search for robin. “you shouldn’t be here, y/n.”

“good thing you aren’t in charge of telling me what i should and shouldn’t do, dad. if you don’t talk to me...i’ll..i’ll scream!”

“go away.” he motioned to shut the door.

surprising him by how compliant you were, you turned on your heel and trotted down off of his front porch into the lawn. pleased with himself for getting you away so easily, he closed the door and turned the lock. as soon as you heard the lock click, and watched steve skate away through the window, you planted your feet and took a deep breath.

and then you were screaming. god, you hoped his parents and neighbors weren’t home, because here you were, in steve harrington’s front yard, wailing. you were screaming bloody murder, pausing to catch your breath with all of the cadence of a baby’s cry. you started from a yell and transitioned into a scream. you screamed in every musical scale known to man. you screamed loudly, and you screamed even louder than loudly. your voice box was your portable “ring for service” bell. so, you exercised it.

it felt like years, although it was only 30 seconds of sound until steve came running out into his front yard. he was trying his best to be angry, asking you “what the actual fuck, y/n,” but he was stifling laughter.

“i told you i would, steve.”“you’re so infuriating!” he let out a frustrated chuckle, and carded his hands through his hair, tugging. “and i’m,” he sighed, facing you with a hollow look in his eye. “i’m in love with you. god, i’m in love with you, and robin’s pissed. so i took a step away for her to cool off, and for me to,” he shrugged,”i don’t know, for me to get over it i guess.”

for all of that screaming you had done earlier, you were now speechless. moments and moments, it felt like a million moments passed and there was nothing but silence. what were you to say? how do you respond to such a candid confession? finally, after what felt like three years of silence, steve cut his sad and unwavering eye contact and headed back into his house, leaving you there, feet planted, stunned into silence and stagnance.

you waited a beat in his lawn, processing. then the only thing on your mind was robin. you made a mad dash to your car, shaking your key ring in an effort to start the engine faster. after speeding an ungodly amount, you reached robin’s house. you parked haphazardly in her driveway, shifting into park before you even braked to a stop.

as you unlocked robin’s door, with your key labeled “robin’s” in big bold letters, she heard the lock jingling and came to the door. “y/n, i was just about to leave and come to your house! i want to go to a movie, is there anything good out?”

“steve’s in love with me?” you spoke silently, feeling small, the gravity of the confession finally hitting you.

“well, that’s not exactly a movie,” she tried to joke, but noticing the sullen look in your eyes, she sighed and took a seat on the couch. “yeah, he is.”

“what the hell, robin?” you took your usual seat to the left of her, sprawling your limbs out. “he told me you were pissed off.”

“well, yeah! you broke your own heart in high school over him, and you were sick for years. imagine if he actually broke your heart? you’d be inconsolable.”

“for him to break my heart, i’d have to feel the same way, dingus.” you poked her arm.

“are you stupid?” she deadpanned, causing you to let out a shocked laugh and sit up straight.

“robin!” you gaped. “i am not in love with steve!”

“okay, you’re stupid,” robin said again, sending the two of you into a fit of giggles. you loved robin so much, that sitting there, laughing and talking about boys was enjoyable, and you almost forgot the two of you were talking about steve. your best friend steve. robin always knew you better than yourself, though, so her implications about your feelings for steve made you think. were you in love with steve? every memory the two of you had shared flashed through your brain like a movie montage. you and steve ordering two different entrees, and then splitting them. steve sneaking you into his house, past his parents, so you could lay in bed and read comics. steve letting you cling onto him during scary movie night, robin calling the both of you pansies in the background. that one time steve called himself daddy and your stomach did a little flip.

“oh fuck, robin, i think i’m in love with steve,” you groaned, burying her head into her shoulder. everything was made complicated by this realization, you knew. robin and steve weren’t even on speaking terms because of this, and you hadn’t even been involved at that point. and you didn’t even respond to steve when he told you. he was probably so upset. further than that, what would robin think if you and steve were to like...try and get together? would she be mad? what would that mean for the three of you as a unit?

you relayed all of these feelings, thoughts, and questions to robin. although she was close to the situation and probably biased, you still trusted her the most to give you accurate and smart advice. her answers always were right, because she knew you better than you knew yourself. robin assured you that her and steve hadn’t explicitly fought, per se, but she had let him know how she felt about the situation and advised him to step away and sort himself out. but no argument had occurred, contrary to your imagined idea. there were no “bad terms” between the two of them, and robin said she felt like if she saw steve this weekend, they’d fall back into their normal relationship and banter. this soothed you.

“but if...if steve doesn’t hate me, and something like, happens, how would you feel?”

“first of all, y/n, you’re dramatic,” you nod in agreement. “as long as he’s not an idiot, and you’re not an idiot...i suppose i will be okay. as long as you’re not, like, gross or anything. but i trust both of you.”

and that, honestly, was all you needed to hear. after pinky promising you would come back to robin’s house later and tell her everything, you left as quickly as you had come, whipping out of the driveway and going back to where your day’s adventure had first started: steve’s place.

you felt like you were walking on eggshells around steve, and although you were so excited you wanted to scream (again) and bang on his door, you channeled all of your nervous energy into a doorbell ring and rocking back and forth on your heels. when steve came to the door, he looked sadder than you left him. his hair was wild, his eyes red.

“i love you,” you stated simply, but you felt like your words fell short. how do you put so much emotion into 3 words? there was no way that this could encompass what you felt for steve. you paused. “there’s no way that those words can encompass what i feel for you.”

------------

“you’re fucking annoying, steve,” robin stated, tossing a piece of popcorn at him as she stood up to leave. it was movie night at his house, and although he wasn’t really doing anything, him and robin were engaged in some playful banter. steve had made some comments about the poor cinematography of the movie robin had chosen, and she was displeased. you were situated snugly in steve’s lap, his arms wrapped around your waist. you vocally agreed with robin because, yeah, steve was annoying, and he gave your hip a pinch, making you jump.

“asshole!” you yelped, peeling yourself off of him.

“you love me,” he commented, not incorrect.

“yeah, but you’re annoying.” you and robin were a united front, always, despite what you and steve’s relationship status was. you wrapped your arms around her tightly. “drive home safely, please.” she nodded and tipped an invisible hat.

“i always do, y/n. you two lovebirds have fun, but not too much fun, because we have work tomorrow morning, steve!” she made a hand motion indicating that she was watching him, moving two fingers from her eyes to point at him.

“aye aye, captain! get some rest, you’ve got a lot of ice cream slinging to do tomorrow. i’m thinking i’m going to hang in the backroom for a little bit.” he grinned as robin groaned, letting herself out of the front door with a sing-songy “goodbye.”

“c’mere, love,” steve said, looking up at you from the couch. you gave him a big smile and returned to your seat in his lap, straddling him.

this was the only thing that was different about movie nights now. you and steve would spend the night together afterwards. steve was your boyfriend now. could high school you believe it? you ran your fingers through his hair, giving him a soft kiss on his forehead. “i know you have work tomorrow, and i wanna spend as much time as possible with you, but i’m really tired,” you mumbled, laying your head on his shoulder.

he nodded with a smile. “that’s okay, baby. let’s lay in bed, we’ll kiss a little, and i’ll let you sleep.” he pressed a kiss to the side of your head.

as soon as the two of you were situated, face washed, pajamas on, covers pulled up to your chins, steve turned to you and pushed a piece of hair out of your face. “i can’t believe i have the coolest girlfriend ever.” “i can’t believe you’re this cheesy, harrington,” you replied, but his words made your chest warm. you were the farthest thing from cool, and all you had ever wanted was steve to think you were cool. although he was, at this point, not a very good judge of being “cool,” because he had evolved into less of a high school king and more of a loveable dork, you were still elated to hear this from him. steve thought you were cool. and you weren’t, clearly, but he wasn’t either. you pressed a kiss to his lips gently, a smile permanently etched onto your face. “i love you, dingus.”

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redandfranticfeelings · 5 years

Text

okay ive been wanting to make a post like this for a while but i wanted to make it an essay and i dont know if i can really organize my thoughts in that way yet, so here’s a chronological bullet-pointed dump to explain my very important thesis:

be more chill is about internalized ableism, and jeremy, michael, and christine are all highly autistic coded. this is going to be very long and detailed but only because there’s a lot of details that work very well under this lens.

there’s probably even stuff i missed but this is already extremely long so it basically just functions as a way for me to collect a bunch of details that i can piece together later in a more coherent manner.

“more than survive” in the context of jeremy being autistic works so much. the theme of wanting to be just socially acceptable enough to not burn out or be harassed is so relatable, and it visually establishes very early how jeremy is isolated from his peers due to his own awkward behavior and hypersensitivity. it’s coupled with his very obvious anxiety disorder, but the social aspect just screams autistic coding to me. i take this song to basically be “not having a meltdown is basically my goal but i would love to be neurotypical enough so i can heighten my standards and actually enjoy my social life.” some choice segments:

“if i’m not feeling weird or super strange, my life would be in utter disarray, cuz freaking out is my okay”

jeremy’s house being a mess is partly due to his dad’s serious depression, yeah, but i believe the other aspect is that jeremy’s executive dysfunction makes it just as hard to clean up in his place

he gets super anxious at the prospect of his expected routine being shaken up and having to make the decision on his own of how to get to school

“so i follow my own rules and i use them as my tools to stay alive” honestly sounds like a euphemism for autism to me

jeremy not really realizing that he’s staring at chloe

“avoiding any eye contact at all” explains itself

michael’s introduction, oh my god, every time i watch this part i just adore it. i could talk a lot more about michael’s autism later but this whole segment sells it especially.

first off, michael keeping his hood up and headphones on in a deliberate attempt to avoid social interaction and stay in his own space is such an autistic mood. even before this scene he’s constantly moving in the background to his music a la stimming. in the later performances he spends a lot more time playing with his hoodie strings and even chews on them!!

the fact he doesn’t talk to or even really look at jeremy until his song is done playing also feels very autistic to me! and the way he dances so confidently and basically pretends even his best friend isn’t there for the time being because he’s engrossed in his own passions.

michael is a great friend but it’s clear that he doesn’t really understand that his coping mechanism doesn’t really work for jeremy, and that even though michael feels confident reclaiming his identity as a ‘loser,’ jeremy doesn’t really feel any better about it. i think a lot of autistic folks, or at least i do, have this tendency to assume what works for us works for everyone around us at first due to our struggles with empathy. michael tries his best but struggles to see outside his point of view. it’s mind-blindness in action and jeremy can’t communicate why it upsets him any better than michael can pick up on it not working for him.

near the end of the song, they have a brief moment where all the ensemble crowds in around jeremy and the lights start flashing, which i interpret as a visual representation of sensory overload.

we’ll talk more about her soon, but outside of jeremy’s fantasies about her, christine also avoids social interaction during this number, constantly hiding her face in a book and avoiding eye contact just as much as jeremy. people forget that she’s not comfortable with unexpected social interaction, and that really informs my headcanon for her which brings us to....

“i love play rehearsal” is an autistic anthem. it also works, possibly even better due to in-text evidence, as an adhd anthem, but combined with the above it makes so much sense for her to be comorbid autism/adhd. i did a breakdown of the song in this context before, but i’ll sum it up here

the song showcases what having a special interest/hyperfixation is like. christine is singing to jeremy, yes, but she really seems so caught up in her own passion without much regard for how jeremy is following it, and even cuts him off from responding to her once or twice because she’s just so hyped up on her own feelings. she also basically implies her happiness is reliant on her special interest which is very relatable.

lines like “you follow a script so you know what comes next” also really sell the interpretation that christine isn’t good in unpredictable situations, and has so many identity issues and likes having something to look to where things are laid out for her. i think that stability is what a lot of autistic people look for, especially teenagers.

also with that in mind, look at how upset she gets watching a play she loves about get rewritten into something weird and new that she doesn’t know.

also gotta love how she still self-isolates before this song by focusing on her book, until she has a reason to infodump to jeremy. and then feels guilty afterwards and goes right back into her book while apologizing for getting “carried away”....biiiig mood there

the whole intro scene showcases both of their awkwardness so much. jeremy gets completely thrown off by her sarcastic comment about the swim team and almost believes it, which implies that he can’t read tone very well. and then christine’s “you’re a virgin” comment comes across like she really didn’t think about how that would sound to jeremy before saying it since she only made the clarification after he was ready to panic about it. she has a habit of speaking before she thinks, i think, the self-harm comment is also very awkward considering she barely knows jeremy.

after that scene we get “more than survive reprise” where jeremy admits to routinely having such bad breakdowns that he needs to step out and go to the nurse which works for both the anxiety disorder and the autism interpretation.

i’m not quite sure whether i see rich as autistic (i see him with a lot of mental issues for sure though) so i can’t say much on “the squip song” but there’s definitely something to describing a confused autistic kid as “almost helpless.” rich definitely has a habit of giving too much information though, i’ll say that.

“two player game” is just jeremy and michael being autistic solidarity: the song. i guess this is a good place to say that jeremy and michael work well as a contrast b/w two sides of autistic community, the side that struggles to function and desperately wants a change bc they’re afraid of being alone forever, and the side that tries to love all their symptoms and embrace their autistic pride. and as coincidental icing on the cake, jeremy wears blue (associated with the derogatory views from autism speaks) and michael wears red (associated with combating said views through autistic pride).

btw you could probably attribute michael’s ability to casually down a long-expired crystal pepsi as a sort of weird sensory quirk. and his fixation w/ that sort of memorabilia honestly feels like a special interest in its own right!

both “nice sideburns....wolverine, right” and “like in x-men????” using fiction as a reference point for real life always gives me autistic vibes (esp the first point where he awkwardly uses it to start conversation). can we assume x-men is a special interest? :3

jake referring to jeremy as a ‘freak’ when the squip turns on is really sad in this context but it also does make so much sense

now we get to the squip.....and what do you know, it uses tactics from abusive therapy used on autistic children. dare i say that “be more chill” as a song isn’t just an abuser’s song, but an ableist’s abuser’s song.

first off, the “spinal stimulation.” here’s a not so fun fact: electroshock therapy has been used to discourage autistic behavior in very recent years. (content warning in link for graphic description of ableist torture)

then the lyrics, in which the squip mostly focuses on jeremy’s posture and physically punishes him for disobeying. jeremy is shown to really struggle to stand up straight and pose himself in a normal, confident way, and i think that tendency to be unaware of what our body is doing is a pretty autistic thing?

the fact the squip singles out stammering and refers to jeremy’s “tics and fidgets” brings attention to two more autistic traits of jeremy’s

the squip basically punishes jeremy for responding “incorrectly” to social situations like rejecting brooke, even if they aren’t objectively wrong. it eventually just starts speaking for jeremy because jeremy seems incapable of acting natural. the squip is an abusive autism parent.

“sync up” demonstrates jeremy’s weird relationship with empathy. he wants to be nice to everyone- will has even called him “deeply empathetic”- but he’s initially really bad at seeing other people’s point of view, which is why he positions himself as sort of against the world, seeing everyone as better than him or trying to set up these barriers of Coolness where everyone else must be perfect compared to him. he’s so surprised to learn that the popular kids also hurt because of his strict idea of the social structure. it’s a combination of low self esteem and a black-and-white viewpoint.

let’s go back to christine. the squip, already established as ableist abuser, finds her “highly unusual” for acting in a way that disregards everyone who views her. she has very strange and specific visions in her head, and it seems very natural for her even if jeremy struggles to follow along.

in later performances, she chews on her sleeve and spins around during AGTIKBI. that’s stimming, babes. also gotta acknowledge “i don’t always relate to other people my age, except when i’m on the stage”

i’m gonna use this section to talk about jake and christine. christineis a bit unsure when interacting with jake, until he validates her interest- her acting is what really touches him. but jake, while good-hearted, has trouble being self-centered and thus not fully aware of christine’s own needs and space. so christine is always a little uncomfortable around him, especially in public, and not always willing to socialize. he is right about her being kind of stuck in her comfort zone, though, not doing anything off of her stage. and he is genuinely nice to her, it’s just a matter of their social strategies clashing.

the fact that the squip blocks out michael...i’ve had a lot of times in my life where i was told that socializing with other “weird” people would be counterproductive for my social development and it was part of why i was stuck with so few friends. so i really feel the idea that blocking out the person who helps you feel confident in your atypicality is framed as a good thing so you can act more socially adept, and that doing otherwise would just drag you both down.

hot DAMN does “loser geek whatever” make so much sense for an autistic kid with internalized ableism.

“it’s not only school that’s rough, being lonely’s stupid tough” makes it pretty clear this isn’t about the school social scene as muc as it is the entire social scene of the world. we may not see it, but it’s just (not) interacting with people in general that jeremy can’t stand.

“michael says that weird is rad but feeling weird just makes me sad” as stated above, makes a Lot More Sense with the idea that michael is both a more confident autistic and really bad at addressing jeremy’s own internalized ableism and desire to make connections outside his small friend group.

everything about jeremy boiling down all his problems to his “instincts” sucking and needing to basically be told what to do really highlights how autistic kids can feel broken because of their inability to fit into the social norm, to the point where we repress every behavior that actually makes us feel comfortable and unique.

not to mention the line about him being seen as a “normal handsome guy” since autistic people tend to be infantilized and never seen as desirable (will roland also implied this line has trans coding which is another discussion altogether but i feel i should acknowledge that here)

all of those terms that jeremy calls himself near the end- namely weirdo, misfit, oddball, freak, failure- all of this sounds like the shit people throw at autistic kids. like this goes beyond anxiety alone, this is jeremy being outcasted and oppressed by the general public due to his behavior. especially the “please don’t speak” part, considering how often autistic kids are mocked for misunderstanding when to speak, how to speak, and what to talk about. jeremy needs some freaking love. :(

“michael in the bathroom” is a panic attack, related to severe anxiety, but i do see a lot of aspects that play into autism as well. the little nervous stimmy movements of foot-bouncing and picking at grout, the explosive sensory overload during the “knock knock” section of the bridge, the whole concept of losing the only person you ever managed to connect to without sacrificing who you are, dealing with this massive change to your sense of philosophy and reality where you pinned everything on one person to ground yourself, and thus you’re now completely lost trying to isolate yourself from this big overwhelming social gathering...neurodivergent anthem all around.

jeremy and christine’s couch interactions during halloween give me such autistic positivity. christine basically echolales jeremy’s weird noise and they both have so much fun vocal stimming that they forget there’s another person in the room. it’s such a sweet moment until jeremy ruins it by realizing that asking her out right after a breakup is Not Really Good For Her.

christine’s reaction to the fire demonstrates a clear case of hyperempathy to me. it isn’t discussed as much as a complete lack of empathy, but autistic folks are prone to feeling way too much especially when it comes to others’ pain. christine talking about how she hates that everyone’s hurting and desperately wants to help but doesn’t know how, and how we’ve already seen how much she struggles to connect with others like jake....it’s a very relatable, very specific autistic mood.

going back to the theme of jeremy and empathy, christine’s above hyperempathy kind of breaks this mold, and while jeremy always does feel for the other kids, by this point he feels so strongly- particularly for christine, who he also saw as a perfect confident being until now- that the squip can manipulate him into “fixing” everyone the same way the squip was supposed to “fix” him. and he never considers that christine doesn’t need to be fixed because he just projects his own insecurity that strongly onto everyone else who seems “weird” in the same kind of way- hence why he assumes michael is jealous of him back in MITB. it’s likely a result of the squip’s manipulation but i feel like mind-blindness is a factor, even if jeremy switches between struggling to process others’ emotions and being extremely empathetic.

michael’s special interest saves the day!!! :D

the whole fight b/w jeremy and michael, assuming it comes from a genuine place of repressed bitterness, has a lot of added subtext with them both being autistic. jeremy accusing michael of “giving up” on social interaction, michael envies jeremy for trying bc michael is clearly Not comfortable in most large social settings, jeremy envies michael for his pride, it just hits home for me i guess

rich calling michael “antisocial headphones kid” honestly how is michael not canon autistic

in the off-bway version michael briefly speaks too loud forgetting that jeremy’s head still hurts which is a relatable Forgot About Boundaries thing. plus him smacking rich playfully forgetting that rich is Still In Pain

“voices in my head” works nice as a fuck-societal-norms-and-just-be-happy song. “embrace the traits that make you so odd” in particular :’)

jeremy remembering christine’s infodump about her obscure bowling alley performance art idea and bringing it up to her again!!!

the squip doesn’t go away because ableism and the anxiety it brings and all the upsetting symptoms of autism don’t go away, but with the right support and confidence you can live with them!!! good message for mental disorders in general and works very well in this context!!!

so in conclusion.....be more chill is autistic pride!!!

#be more chill #bmc #actuallyautistic #autistic headcanons #long post #be more neurodivergent #queue are so busted

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glittertimes · 4 years

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You know I sit with myself so much and I unlearn so much bc I understand that I can hurt people if I don't grow.

And lately I've felt so stuck, and I'm like why I can't I move forward, why don't I feel like I'm growing right now.

And I finally realized part of why I feel that way.

My brain likes to question my motivations at all times, today while I was setting the table my brain was like "Why because you're selfish and this benefits you more than others?"

And earlier I'd seen a post that was kinda like "who benefits when I talk negatively about myself. Where does that come from?" (It was about capitalism and buying stuff that's supposed to "fix" us but it got me thinking)

So I asked myself who's voice was yelling at me. Bc I could recognize that it wasn't my voice, but the language sounded really familiar

And I realized that was my third grade teacher's voice. I learned to question my motives a lot partially because of her.

One time we were playing bingo in her class and I raised my hand bc I thought I had bingo, but for some reason I was wrong (I don't remember it's been like 12 years lmao)

But then I didn't really feel like playing anymore and my teacher goes "Why because you didn't win?"

And it crushed my little 8 year old self bc I wasn't opting out of the game bc I was an entitled brat, it was probably more that I felt embarassed for being wrong, or that I just had a short attention span and got bored lol.

I was kind of a chatterbox and a "traviesa" (there aren't any good words for this in english lmao) but I wasn't entitled or bratty lol.

But my teacher acted like I was the worst kid in the world, so I learned to question myself a lot.

Did I really accidently turn in my paper in the wrong place, or am I lying bc I didn't do the assignment?

Did I spill water on my hw bc I'm a bad kid who just loves destroying stuff or was it just an accident?

Am I setting up the table bc I want to help or do I somehow have ulterior motives that make me a bad person lmao.

I feel stuck bc I'm not listening to what I know about myself, I'm listening to the narratives everyone else created about me.

But I don't need to question my motives so much, bc I know what I'm doing. I'm not setting the table as some evil revenge plot for my third grade teacher, I was just excited to eat the pasta I made lol.

As much as outside folks hurt me with their misunderstanding of my weird little self. I also hurt myself when I choose their perspectives over what I already know to be true about myself.

Sure there are times when I don't notice a bias or a maladaptive behavior, and can learn something from my mistake. But that doesn't mean that I need to scrutinize everything I do, bc it just makes me hypervigillant and anxious 24/7 lol.

Plus if I'm looking for mistakes, it's easy for my brain to go "see you suck!" and shame me for stuff, so I don't end up growing from things which is the whole point of being so self-reflective lol!

#personal

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tinakimyee · 4 years

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The gracious & might hand of God

Originally written on May 20, 2020

Just six days ago late night on May 14, I received the shocking news from Joy that my mom was in the ICU in New York because of an asthma attack that came upon her late night that led to pneumonia in her lungs, seizures with possible brain damage, a heart attack and being sedated for three days while on a ventilator. She went through this alone as my dad wasn’t home when it happened, as well as it being the COVID19 period and only patients are allowed in the hospital, with no visitors at all.

We all let out a big sigh of relief on Monday morning as we heard the good news that she was awake and off the ventilator. I was most anxious to hear an update on her possible brain damage from the seizures. There was further good news that she doesn’t seem to have been that affected by it as she recalled all the details of what happened, and was able to show emotions – very real emotions. She was extremely angry and upset at my dad for not being there when it happened, and how she felt so alone and neglected. There’s history and baggage there about how she often feels unheard and not regarded at certain time by my dad. She was fearful that she could die at any moment, as this asthma attack could happen again and again. There was a sob fest going on when my dad, mom and sister all video chatted for the first time.

As the days continued, my mom’s emotions lifted gradually. I get my anxious thoughts and worries from her, and so I can imagine how fearful and stuck she feels knowing that she will be discharged soon from the hospital, but the very reason and trigger for how her asthma attack started in the first place is still unaddressed. She insisted and demanded that my dad get her a hospital bed and an oxygen tank available at home for her. I’d want that too. Thankfully, my dad, did go out and bought her a reclining mattress that will be ready for her when she comes home. We will try to get an oxygen tank for her too. We are praying for a good asthma & allergy specialist that we can get her connected with as that seems to be the continual struggle.

In all this, I can’t say I was at absolute peace, as I felt like a yoyo as well, up and down in my emotions and thoughts. However, I can admit that I felt an underlying sense of peace and purpose in all this. I saw the opportunities to share about God, and by his grace and I took it! I can see how much easier it is when people are vulnerable and in humbling situations to hear more about God. One of those nights when I was waiting to make the midnight call again to the doctor, I picked up Coronavirus and Christ by John Piper, and was reading through it. Then I decided to send the audio version in Korean to my dad. I went back and forth trying to rationalize it away, thinking that he won’t read it anyway, or he might read it and then get offended and angry, etc. But I went for it anyway, bc if there was any moment in my dad’s life when he was showing humility and remorse, it was now. So I took it. It’s been a few days and there hasn’t been any response from him about it. But I’m happy to have obeyed in this one tiny way to be bold and share about the hope and life I have in Jesus Christ.

When I talked with my mom for the first time on the video call, we both cried a lot. As I was crying, very naturally, the words flowed from my lips about how God loves her, has been with her, and has a plan for her, and that’s why she’s still alive. I told her that for as long as she lives, I am more resolute on sharing to her about who God is. She was listening and responsive, and I said when you get out the hospital, why don’t you learn more about God again. Her response to my surprise was that that she’s gonna go to church when this is all over. I wasn’t expecting that all. I am hopeful. Not in her, but in God and what he’s doing. I have no idea yet whether she will follow through or not, but I’m hopeful that God is definitely working in her through this whole ordeal. I was convicted to help and do as much as I can while I’m here. I recalled the time, more than 10 years ago now, when my parents were going through really hard times and I encouraged my mom through a hand written card with passages from the Bible. She kept that card under the mattress and read it from time to time, and she said it gave her peace. I’m hopeful that God will work in her heart. So, I’ve been sending her some verses, the first being Psalm 23, as it was the most relevant and understandable one for her at this time. She said she read it a few times. PTL.

What I’ve been praying for my dad the most is true repentance – that he’ll be led to realize that he is a sinner and he wouldn’t rationalize it away. I have another flashback from the past when we got into a fight bc I was trying to share the gospel with him, and I was at the point of the talk where I was telling him he was a sinner. He disagreed angrily and insisted that he is not a sinner, and that he’s a good person, and started sharing some of the good things he does. My prayer is that he in fact sees this time that he is a sinner. It’s not just a mistake or a bad habit that he has, but he’ll see it for what it is: sin. And it hurts my mom, it hurts people, it hurts God. If he doesn’t see that, then he’ll “change” his ways for a little while as long as this ordeal is in his memory, but gradually as time passes, he will go back to his old ways. That kind of short lived behavioral modification isn’t the change that I would want for him. Honestly speaking, I had to fight real anger as I also felt that he was neglectful, prideful, and careless. But I fought that with the gospel, telling myself that nobody deserves to know Jesus, and that we are all like that in one way or another. And then I felt compassion and relief soon after. I didn’t want to crush him with my harsh words (which I have done in the past), but I also wanted to let him know how grave this situation is. So, I shot him a message being honest about how he needs to change, but also encouraging him in that I know he loves my mom and is trying. Lastly, I made sure to let him know that true change is only available as God changes our hearts, and that I am praying for him. Then I sent him the 1 Corinthians 13 passage, I hope he read it, and his heart was opened to the Words of Life.

My mom made it alive this time. But the truth is, she will die. Whether it’s in 5 years, 10 years, or 20 years, she will die. We all will. Therefore, keeping her alive physically isn’t my top priority – rather it is to lead her to take hold of eternal life. I felt a renewed conviction in my heart arise as my mom was recovering that for as long as my parents are alive on this earth, that I would speak generously and openly about the gospel. That would be my greatest joy and victory to see my parents and sister take hold of that eternal hope & life that is available in Jesus Christ. It’s a miracle that in just one weeks time, my mom went through an asthma attack, seizure, heart attack, and being sedated & ventilated for 3 days, to being discharged. I am so beyond grateful for that. God is good and kind. Now, I am more hopeful for the TRUE miracle that will come one day as my mom and dad take hold of eternal life with Jesus.

When I was little,and just learning about Jesus, I remember evangelizing to my dad. I told him that I want him to go to heaven with me. His response was, I’ll just hold your hand so I can go with you together. Even at that age, I knew it didn’t work that way. But looking back now, it gives me hope. It shows me that perhaps he does believe or even wants to believe that there is a heaven, and that there is a God. I pray that he will come to believe that there is a God who loves him and he sent his son Jesus Christ to die on the cross for our sins, so that we can be forgiven and live eternally with him.

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