#when you play your comfort game and the characters starting talk about their traumas in a Ouija season
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#destiny 2#guardian crow#destiny the game#cait#when you play your comfort game and the characters starting talk about their traumas in a Ouija season#calus wtf#I need to tag this as spoiler?
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HANG OUT WITH THEM
i. part two: hang out with these characters (part one)
ii. gender neutral. reader | unedited version (lmk if I used any gendered terms!)
iii. cw: spoilers in manga (chrollo's part), mentions of death, massacre/slaughter, torture, trauma, and violence. stealing, fluff & semi-angst (?)
iv. characters: gon freecs, killua zoldyck, kurapika kurta, chrollo lucilfer, feitan portor.
GON FREECS
You hang out with the boy a lot as the two of you develop a rapport with one another and grow closer. The two of you would often be perched on top of a tree branch as he casts his fishing line into the middle of a swamp. He would ask you questions about your past, how you lived in YorkNew City, and even about yourself constantly while he was fishing.
Talking to Gon is comforting, although he is extremely enthusiastic. You might find yourself baffled as to how he appears to be fulfilled while not harboring any unwelcome feelings or thoughts. But naturally, that wasn't the only thing. He would take you around the town's outskirts. And to pass the time if you were in his place, you two would play a variety of board games.
KILLUA ZOLDYCK
When Gon wasn't allowed to practice Nen for two months because of his injudicious decision of fighting Gido, you and Killua trained together without Nen because Killua don't want Gon to be left behind. Since neither of you was particularly talkative throughout your training session-unlike Gon, who frequently emits a lot of commotion when the three of you are together-it was really awkward and silent.
You're just reluctant to approach him because you two weren't really close. But even so, he would give you advice on how to grow more powerful and tell you about what you should concentrate on. As an outcome, the more you two trained together over the course of the two months, the closer you two grew.
The two of you are hardly alone together unless it involves training, combat, etc. The three of you traveled to Whale Island after leaving Heaven's Arena to meet Mito Freecs, Gon's aunt, and Abe, his great-grandmother. They were quite friendly to you, and his great-grandmother told you and Killua plenty of stories about Gon. Gon once left the two of you because his aunt asked him to go get some supplies she needed to prepare later.
You offered your assistance to Aunt Mito with the laundry. Killua was watching you as you washed the clothes since he isn't really sure how he can help you or do things like that. He would speak about his experiences and escapades as an experienced assassin, a member of the notorious Zoldyck family, and the future heir to the family to keep you entertained. However, it wasn't all that entertaining to hear about how he was actually tortured as a baby.
You also shared your stories with him when you were younger. Being from your typical family, you didn't find it particularly interesting. To your surprise, Killua laughed and thought you were humorous when you were younger because of both your foolishness and your intrepid nature. You attempted tossing him your left slippers, but he deftly sidestepped it. Indeed, the day was enjoyable.
KURAPIKA KURTA
(Prior to the massacre of the Kurta Clan)
He would come and see you in your leisure time and encourage you to read in the neighborhood library with him. You would undoubtedly concur that it is Kurapika after all. You two would sit side by side on the couch in the serene library, and before starting a new book, he would offer that you execute an exchange. For instance, he may recommend a book to you and vice versa.
The majority of the novels he read are far more serious than you may think. He always recommends history or biographies of philosophers who lived a century ago, as well as crime, mystery, and science fiction, works. Despite how much you like it, you feel a little ashamed about the works you're recommending to him since they seem so plain to him. [Unless you have the same taste w/ him]
Most of your hangouts are just solitude and calm, but you like that tranquility. Along with Pairo, the three of you are going to stay in the forest as you three would for an adventurous hangout. You would capture fish or other creatures that are suitable for human consumption.
(After the massacre of the Kurta Clan)
You feel much closer to your childhood friend now that you've seen him again. He lost his positive outlook since, as you are aware, criminals killed the members of his clan. If you were in his position, you wouldn't have any optimism at all. Therefore, you are always at his side to lessen his sense of isolation and provide him with emotional support. A conversation with him may be quite intense and passionate. He would often speak to you late at night about his unsaid emotions, his grief, his trauma, his enmity, and the survivor's guilt.
He's still a huge book nerd, so you two would borrow books from the local library and read them together while relaxing in the calm setting. You are just brought back to the past by it.
CHROLLO LUCILFER
(When you were still living in Meteor City)
Chrollo introduced you to Father Lisores, the owner of the church that you saw. (First chapter) And now, you're affiliated with him because you look like you're on the verge of death and he pities you. In exchange for your assistance with his charitable endeavors and your assistance each time there is a mass for children and other Meteor City residents, he provides you with a place to live, food, and other requirements.
Furthermore, you got to know some of Chrollo's friends. They all treated you well, but Chrollo is the one you get along with the best. Despite the difficulties of his life, he is bursting with positive energy. He frequently stops by the church and enjoys bringing you unusual items.
Most of your time together would be spent in the church's rear chamber, where he would show you other items and instruct you in speaking Gelman. (In the universe of Hunter x Hunter, probably English). His discoveries and his astute thinking never fail to captivate you. He frequently blushes when you praise him, but in all honesty, he kind of craves it since he wants to impress you.
Chrollo requested you, Sarasa, and Pakunoda to voice dub a Mighty Sweepin' Power Cleaners VHS tape into your mother tongue so that the kids in Meteor City could watch and understand the episode. It gave you an immense thrill to voice-dub the role that was given to you, and it warmed your heart to see the children moved and enthralled.
(Phantom Troupe / After the slaughter of Kurta Clan)
After Sarasa's death, Phantom Troupe was established with the intention of exacting retribution. You presently hold the fourth rank and are a member of the Phantom Troupe, a group of malevolent thieves. You two don't spend much time together since Chrollo is so busy keeping up his leadership role, looking for items that can be of great use to the group, or if he wants to steal a particular item. In fact, it only happens once in a blue moon.
But you can't blame him after all. Though when all of you are gathered up for a meeting, he would give you pieces of jewelry, books, and others that you love, which you presumably think that he stole, it feels nice that he's thinking about you.
While waiting for the remainder of the members to arrive, you would speak with them about significant topics and share what you had learned from your mission. His responses to you are brief since he is still engaged with the book he is reading. You feel sort of sad about it but chose to not complain.
FEITAN PORTOR
While the troupe was in York New, he would pay you many visits at the gaming shop where you work, and would practically gaze at you as if you were a ghost or something - well, he's waiting for you to end your shift. You can't concentrate on your work due to his scary glances, and he physically stares at everyone that walks into the shop.
You would advise him to cease doing that after your shift, but he would act unaware even though he understood what you meant. You two would saunter through the Saloma Mall, only glancing at the merchandise in the storefront windows, not bothering to go inside because you're saving up your money.
But there was a time when you spotted a bracelet that piqued your curiosity, but it was so pricey that your wage wasn't sufficient to pay for it. Feitan was aware of this but remained silent. After dropping you off at your flat, he goes to the shop where you spotted the bracelet you like and snatches it violently.
He handed you the bracelet the next day. Unaware that he had stolen it, you were perplexed by how he was able to purchase it. When you questioned about how he was able to afford it, he just said that they were confidential.
Feitan isn't a particularly chatty person, and neither are you, but whenever he comes to see you while you're at work, you strike up a conversation with him, and honestly, talking to him is much more comfortable than talking to other people because he's direct and doesn't sugarcoat his words, which is what you like best.
He just listens to your rambling while paying attention to what you're saying, but he obviously won't be overt about it. The two of you would play video games in your flat after your shift. Because he has a strong sense of competition, he usually defeats you. He constantly invited Phinks and Shalnark as well.
#hunter x hunter#hunter x hunter x reader#hxh#hxh fanfic#gon x reader#killua x reader#chrollo x reader#kurapika x reader#headcanons#feitan x reader#reader insert
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Relationship & NSFW Dynamics —
✨ Noctyx Edition ✨
First (1st), we want to re-emphasize that we are writing for the characters. Second (2nd), this is merely our opinion and how we write them.
─── ⋆⋅☼⋅⋆ ───
🔗 Sonny 🔗
Pet Names: Babe [More often than not, just calls you by name]
╰┈➤ Relationship Dynamic:
The Noctyx's boy with the least amount of past trauma. He's just "VSF!! 💥 💥 💥"
This mans way too busy kicking down doors to be worrying about relationships. Like, Sonny, finding his way into a relationship is completely accidental. In the beginning, he just thinks you are really interesting, and the more time you spend together he starts to find you really attractive and then uh-oh someone’s caught feelings.
He was in so much denial at the beginning of your relationship. Once he's over that, however, be prepared to be sucker punched by random bouts of sweetness. And the fucking duality of this man. You will have whiplash from how sudden he can go from being rough and serious to sweet and silly.
Also, be prepared to be worried 90% of the time because of his job as a police officer with his damn obsession of rushing in and busting doors down.
[[NSFW under the cut!!]]
╰┈➤ NSFW Dynamic: Switch (Dom leaning)
So it's pretty obvious why Dom-leaning but… Switch. Listen, he gives as much as he takes. Like, he's incredibly kind and caring, but also he's a masochist. And a bit of a sadist??? Again: switch. Could see rough play being one of his interests. He likes the idea of you – consensually – taking control of him.
.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.
🔮 Uki 🔮
Pet Names: Starlight, Stardust, Babe/Baby, and the occasional Honey
╰┈➤ Relationship Dynamic:
Okay, now not to be a broken record but, once again: we're talking about the characters.
The man's lore is sad™. He's been through some pretty traumatizing stuff, and as a result, we feel like he's not really all that horny most of the time. Also, it's kinda hard to think about romance when you grew up living in survival mode.
He needs someone who will be understanding and patient with him. He’ll also need space at times, but he’s good at communicating that, so if he doesn’t bring it up — get ready to cuddle the fuck up. Most of all, just love him. Pamper him, comfort him, love him. He deserves the world.
And if you don't treat him right? Be prepared to have the Uki protection squad after your ass.
╰┈➤ NSFW Dynamic: Switch (Sub leaning)
Now once he's comfortable with you? That changes things. He'd likely be more open to trying new things, and boy, would his mouth start to run. Overall, just take care of him. Pamper him some more. He deserves it, okay? 🥺He is still a switch, though. And if he finds you cute? Prepare yourself.
.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.
🎭 Alban 🎭
Pet Names: Sunshine, Babe/Baby, Honey, Sweetheart, & Little Cat
╰┈➤ Relationship Dynamic:
Another sad boi 😞 Similar to Uki: it's kinda hard to think about romance when you grew up living in survival mode.
Sadly, this man has trust issues. He has a hard time opening up because he doesn't want to hurt anyone or get hurt. He already lost one dear friend, he doesn’t want to risk losing more people.
It'll take some time to work through those feelings, but once he does, y'all are fuckin golden. Alban's very doting and extremely caring. He's like a prince without the royalty aspect. He'll be opening doors for you, carrying your stuff- carrying you.
Also, side note? Please tell him to stop stealing expensive gifts for you. Sonny can only let it slide for so long.
╰┈➤ NSFW Dynamic: Switch | Soft Dom
Pure switch right here, baby 🤌
The most bullyable bottom and the softest of Dom's. Could see him having an interest in primal play. Basically playing games of cat and mouse with you. Who's the hunter would likely depend on what kind of mood he's in honestly. He'd never admit it, but he kinda likes it when you take control from him (in a consensual way of course.). Honestly, too? This guy just goes through random bouts of horniness just by looking at you.
Similarly, to some of the other boys, if you ask him to try something new, he'd be pretty open to it.
.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.
🐑 Fulgur 🐑
Pet Names: Babe, Little One/Little Lamb (Legatus), Dear, & Sweetie (Archivist)
╰┈➤ Relationship Dynamic:
First things first, we need to make it clear that we typically write a combination of Legatus and Archivist [typically a little more Archivist leaning].
However, it doesn't matter if we're following Legatus lore or Archivist lore; this man has too much shit happening around him, and to him, to be worrying about relationships. But hey, that's alright! He's been sent to the past, so fuck all that! Now he can get rid of all that pent-up anger! :D
In the beginning, you'll get more of the Legatus personality. He'll come off as cold and aloof. It'll take a bit, but as long as you don't give up, you will crack through that hardened exterior. Once you're in the relationship, Archivists' personality shines. Incredibly caring and comforting. He's an old soul.
╰┈➤ NSFW Dynamic: Switch (Dom leaning)
Now, the juicy stuff.
This man will. Fuck. You. Up. He can either be extremely soft or really rough and there's no in-between. Dirty talk and degradation galore during rough play, but only the sweetest praise when he's soft. Sensory play is probably a really big thing for him (both giving and reviving).
Side note; when he's on the reviving end, make sure he keeps his hands on that bed frame. The last thing y'all need is him accidentally breaking any of your bones.
.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.
🎧 Yugo 🎧
Pet Names: Angle, Muse, Babe, Sweetheart, (My) Doll [But only adds the "my" when he doesn't like they way someones looking at you]
╰┈➤ Relationship Dynamic:
4 outta 5, another sad boi less gooo 😂
The only member of this group who at least has some type of experience. Kinda hard to date tho when you're leading a resistance. Honestly, though, this boy is the most straightforward of the five.
First off, this smooth mother fucker. He's very confident in his ability to woo. Be prepared to be rizzed to hell and back. Yugo’s very physical in his affection; he’s a pretty big fan of PDA. More often than not, you’ll find his arm wrapped around your shoulders or waist. Yugo prefers to give personalized gifts.
He's a people person. Man was both a DJ and leader of a revolution, after all. You cannot hide your emotions from him. He can and will read you like a damn book.
╰┈➤ NSFW Dynamic: Dom
He knows you're horny before you know you're horny.
Pure 👏 Dom 👏 Energy 👏. Try to argue with the clapping hand. You can't. Good luck trying to Top this man. It'll be a real struggle. The only time you're on top is when he's literally too exhausted to move.
Also, hope you don't mind getting it on in public places. Has one VIP booth in his club constantly reserved for the two of you. And don't worry, he'll make sure you're never caught.
─── ⋆⋅☼⋅⋆ ───
Btw if you guys are interested in seeing a post just dedicated to scenarios with some of the kinks we think the bois have, then this post needs to hit at least 300 notes. Hope you enjoyed~
-Mod I ✨ & Mod S 👿
P.S. Want a say in what we write more of? Please answer this form!
#sonny brisko x reader#uki violeta x reader#alban knox x reader#fulgur ovid x reader#yugo asuma x reader#noctyx x reader#nijisanji x reader#sonny brisko#uki violeta#alban knox#fulgur ovid#yugo asuma#nijisanji noctyx#nijisanji en#nijisanji#x reader#gn reader#gender neutral reader#Written by Mod I ✨ & Mod S 👿
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1. tame the ghosts in my head
Woman | Joel Miller X Reader
Series Rating: Mature/Explicit
Chapter Summary: Joel Miller finds an unexpected face upon his return to Jackson.
Tags: Joel Miller x Reader. Age Gap. TV show characters. Mostly Cannon compliant for show and game.
Chapter Warnings: references to canon type violence, injuries, swearing, medical exam, illusions to loss & grief.
Words: 2437
Series Masterlist | Author Masterlist | Playlist
Familiarity is a foreign thing in this world. A priceless gift from the universe if you’re deemed to be so worthy, it’s a treasure to be treated as so, but when one is lucky enough to be chosen, fear tarnishes it. Gifts only last so long before they are taken away, leaving only grief and loneliness in their wake, making you wonder if it was really a gift at all or just a cruel prank. Yet, it gets you everytime, roping you into its trap.
It might be 20 years since you’ve laid eyes on him, but that stance, those brown curls, you would recognize them anywhere You spent the younger years of your life committing him to memory. You feel the trap tugging you toward him. You can’t be caught up again. You tell yourself you won’t be.
“Joel!”
He turns around, dark brown eyes meeting yours. He doesn’t expect anyone else to know his name here. Why does it sound familiar to him?
It all escapes from the recess of your mind. That all-encompassing file titled “before,” flies open. Memories come flooding back of him and of Sarah. You’re only conscious of the first trap, but there are others lying in wait. You and Tommy talk about her sometimes, but this brings up so much more.
He looks confused at first. You watch him wrack his brain. He recognizes you, but from where? You’re not the kid he once knew. The fresh, doe-eyed look of a 20-something new graduate is replaced by the 40-something worn woman you’ve survived into. Finally, it dawns on him.
“Well, I’ll be damned.” He walks over to you, disbelief written across his features.
“Hi.” You smile.
“Hi.”
It’s an awkward thing. Do you hug? Shake hands? You were Sarah’s babysitter from the time she was 6 until she complained she didn’t need one once she turned 13. The two of you still hung out when you were back from school. Joel usually slipped you a $20. You would’ve done it for free, never expected the cash, but you were also a broke college student. You never turned it down.
The lure of a familiar face is strong. The two of you settle on a comfortable distance. Closer than strangers, further than family.
“Tommy told me you were here at Christmas. He’s been worried about you.”
Joel nods. “It’s been a long couple of months.”
“Just months?” Your brows shoot up.
Joel fights back a smile. He remembers the smartass remarks you used to give Tommy when he teased you while you waited for Joel to cough up the cash he owed.
Flashes of coming home to pillow forts and Sarah’s giggles, arts and crafts with glitter that littered the house for weeks afterwards, and the countless other memories play in his mind.The memories send a pang through his chest, but he can handle them now, and here is another person who holds those precious memories.
“Relatively speaking of course.” The smile breaks through on his face. It’s starting to feel less foreign to him these past few days.
Joel wasn’t the most smiley person when you knew him 20 years ago. It suits him, you think. Another lure. Another diversion you don’t catch because you are so aware of the trap you’re sure it set, you don’t see the other one hiding. You won’t let the universe give you another person just to take them away.
“Of course.” You return his smile.
“I’m supposed to get checked out at the clinic. I think they gave me bad directions. Either that or my memory is shit.”
“I was just headed there. You can follow me.” Nod your head in the general direction.
“You’re a nurse.” He seems slightly unsure.
“Memory can’t be all that shitty, I guess.” You shrug. “If you call 3 months in the trauma unit being a nurse that is.”
“You got the education. I remember that.”
The keys jingle in your hand as you unlock the doors. The lights buzz to life with a flip of a switch. The slim medical supplies you have are neatly organized on shelves. It’s enough to care for basic needs. Scout teams sometimes bring back supplies from other places when they go on longer expeditions. All medications are safely locked away. You have the only key. You count the meds on a weekly basis with Maria and go over your meticulous logs. There’s a board-certified doctor in town. He practiced family medicine before the outbreak. He’s good with routine stuff but didn’t want a key. Too much pressure he claims.
You deal with the big stuff. Gaping wounds, infections, whatever it was that resembled surgery in this world. You play doctor, nurse, surgeon, and midwife. It falls on your shoulders and what you can remember from school. There are a few medical journals and textbooks on your shelves. Dr. Pooley has taught you a lot, but his knowledge is more outdated, more about family medicine. More often than not, you fail. People remind you; you do the best you can, you’re not trained for this, supplies are limited. Sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn’t.
“You can take a seat.” You nod toward the medical table.
Joel nods, hopping up. “Did Ellie stop in last night? She said she would.”
“Yeah she did.” You wash your hands with soap. “Seems like a good kid. She’s got quite a mouth.”
Joel chuckles. “She seem okay?”
“For someone with two bites on her arm, yeah.”
He looks up, his eyes a mix of fear and concern and then it goes away. “Tommy told you?”
“Yeah… wanted to make sure I was the one who checked her out.”
“He tell anyone else?”
“Probably Maria.” You shrug and watch the uneasiness leave him. “I won’t tell anyone, Joel. It’ll either get people's hopes up or cause a witch hunt. Besides, doctor patient confidentiality and all that.”
He looks relieved. “Thanks.”
You nod. “Now, take your shirt off.”
He raises an eyebrow. You roll your eyes.
“I swear if you give me some snarky comment, I will stab you with a scalpel.”
He cringes feeling fantom pain in his scarred abdomen. “Noted.”
“You okay?” You catch the twinge on his face, stare at the gash on his neck.
“Yeah… it’s just…” He sighs, slowly unbuttoning his shirt.
For a moment, you are 22 years old again and sense of medical professionalism ceases to exist. It’s embarrassing really, the crush you had on him. Though, it’s just as embarrassing that it’s still affecting you. 20 years ago, you thought the world was more likely to end than anything remotely close to this happening. It seems Ironic now.
The nurse in you returns before his shirt slides off his shoulders. Your eyes go wide as you spot the big, angry scar on Joel’s abdomen. “What happened?”
Your fingers press around the scar, inspecting it. It’s cruel and jagged, still pink, but healed. It’s several months old and there’s no signs of infection.
“Your fingers are cold.”
You roll your eyes. “What happened?”
“We came across some raiders. I took them out, but not before one of ‘em got me with his broken bat.”
“Fuck, Joel.” You press a little firmer, searching for any signs of sensitivity or irritation.
It hits him that he’s never heard you curse. He bites back the tilt of his lips. He doesn’t think you would appreciate it. He never teased you like Tommy did. He was more of a quiet observer before the outbreak. He still considers himself so, but there’s an urge to tease you now. Maybe he wants to steal a slice of pre-outbreak life back.
“Does this hurt at all?” You continue to press all around, this time looking in his eyes. You’re firmly in his personal space now.
He never got to look at your eyes this closely before. They’re beautiful. He reads so much swirling in them. He still sees bits of the 22 year old he knew, freshly graduated and eager to help a world so close to damnation. He sees the shadows floating around, the trauma of living in this world. He sees it in others all the time. He sees it in himself everytime he looks in the mirror, but he wants to know what caused the darkness in yours.
He catches the fine lines that have started to age your face, and a few silver hairs beginning to weave through your natural hair color. He thinks they suit you.
“Joel.” Your voice is firm, shaking him out of his thoughts. “Any pain? Discomfort?”
He shakes his head. You let out a low whistle. “You’re one lucky bastard. It’s a bang up job on the stitches, but it did its job.”
“It got infected. Ellie managed to get her hands on some penicillin.”
His eyes darken. There’s more to the story, but you know better than to ask. One doesn't just “manage” to get their hands on penicillin, especially out here.
Your eyes scan his abdomen, but it is purely medical this time. Joel has several old scars covering his back and abdomen consistent with what you expect. The gash on his neck has already scabbed over, a couple of days old. You do your best to clean it without opening it back up.
You bring your stethoscope to his heart. It thuds in your ears. He breathes in at your instructions: long and steady in, long and steady out. His breath tingles in your ear. Your eyes scan up his neck and face. You think he might be just as handsome now as he was 20 years ago. He meets your eyes and you snap back to the tasks at hand. Heat rises over the back of your neck. You pull away before it reaches your cheeks.
Joel keeps quiet the whole time. His eyes track your every movement; a hazard of living in this world. It’s a hazard you learned to drop when within the walls of the settlement, though it took you years to do so.
His blood pressure is a little high, nothing too concerning or surprising. It’s not like you have medication to help. “How old are you?”
Your eyes meet again. “56.”
You wrack your brain. You helped Sarah with his birthday on numerous occasions. “September 26, right?”
“You remember?”
“I believe I helped put on several of your birthday parties.” You crack a smile, writing it down on the form. You have one for each member of the settlement in case of emergencies. “Shit… that’s-”
“Yeah, I know.” Joel crosses his arms. He hasn’t put his shirt back on yet. His biceps bulge, drawing your eye toward them. It hits you; maybe adult you also has a crush on Joel Miller. You shove that thought to the side. You’re avoiding that trap too.
Joel catches your eye. You swallow, hoping he didn’t catch you staring. “You can put your shirt back on.”
He nods. You don’t watch as he buttons it up. You study the file in front of you like it’s the next great American novel. “Do you know your blood type?”
“O negative.”
“You absolutely sure?”
“You calling me a liar?”
“No, but I’d hate to tap you on the shoulder asking for you to transfuse blood and the person drops dead because you had O positive or some other type.”
“I’m sure.”
You nod, marking it the chart. Joel’s shirt is back on. You can’t decide if you’re relieved or not, but something else catches your eye as he struggles with the last button.
“Hold out your hands.”
His eyes roll but obeys. You visually inspect them. Nothing seems wrong at sight.
“Now make a fist.”
He does, internally cursing when his right hand shakes and shutters. It still doesn’t close all the way. Taking all those fireflies out the day before doesn’t help matters. He eyes you, but you’re completely focused on his hands.
You place your index and middle fingers in his palms. “Now squeeze.”
You feel the fight in his right hand. Its grip is loose compared to the left.
“I broke it back in September.”
“How?” You take his hand. It’s warm and calloused. You ignore that part away as you feel through the bones and tendons searching for misplaced bones or built up scar tissue.
“Took out a Fedra guard leaving Boston QZ.”
“Define took out.” Your inspection continues.
Joel shifts looking away from you. It gives you a good look at his profile. Your eyes flicker up the muscles of his neck, his strong jaw and the scruff that covers it. You catch sight of a faded scar on his temple. He didn’t have that 20 years ago… you kick yourself for remembering that.
“It was just a hairline. Healed up fine on its own.”
You raise an eyebrow. “Obviously.”
Joel refuses to meet your eye. He doesn’t answer your question. Your annoyance grows.
“I’ll give you some options. Stunned? Mamed? Knocked unconscious?”
“Look, I'm not the person I used to be.”
You straighten up. “Nobody is, Joel. We’re literally in hell.” You push back images of your own actions- and inactions. “Now tell me so I can make a rough estimate on the force you used.”
Joel sighs. He remembers the cracking of bones. The way the guard went limp. It doesn’t haunt him. He would do it again to protect people, so why is he so hesitant? Is it that he associates you with Sarah?
He swallows. “Killed.”
He waits for you to kick him out, for a look of disgust to cover your face, but it never happens. You simply keep going with the exam. “Okay.”
You hit a sensitive nerve in his hand. He hisses. “I think it was more than a hairline… but it seems to have healed okay all things considering.”
Joel nods.
“I’m going to rig something up to help you strengthen the hand. It probably won’t help the nerve though.”
“You don’t have to.”
“But I will. I’ll drop it off at your house this evening.” You make note of a few things on a clipboard. “Otherwise, I’m giving you a clean bill of health.”
“So I’m free to go?”
“Free to go.” You nod.
He’s almost out the door when you turn around. “And Joel…” He stops, meeting your eye for the first time since his confession. “We’ve all had to kill people, do ugly things for the sake of survival. Don’t think you’re the only one.”
He wants to ask further questions, but you turn your back to him and it dies on his tongue.
#joel miller#the last of us#tlou#joel miller x reader#joel miller x you#joel miller fanfiction#pedro pascal#woman (joel’s version)#woman (joel miller)#Joel miller age gap#joel miller baby sitter
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finding out her husband is pregnant hcs ; grelle
requested by ; anonymous (26/05/23)
fandom(s) ; black butler
fandom masterlist(s) ; hub | specific
character(s) ; grelle sutcliffe
outline ; “Can I have Grell finding out that their afab Tans masc husband is pregnant? And how they find ways to make the pregnancy less dysphoric ?”
warning(s) ; references to dysphoria, brief references to transphobia, descriptions of pregnancy and pregnancy related stuff
note ; this takes place in a modern au with a human!grelle as i’m not sure if shinigami can canonically even reproduce — also this takes place in the uk (obviously) so they don’t need to worry about medical costs (nhs — woop woop)
you’d been feeling extremely unwell for days and grelle had to pretty much force you to go to the hospital after the millionth ‘it’s probably just something that i ate’
and after a few dozen tests the staff were pretty damn certain about the result and the both of you just about fainted
you weren’t trying for a kid, you were both using birth control, and you were in no way prepared to deal with the trauma of being reminded of your anatomy for nine months straight
so you went home and you sat down together and talked
it was a long discussion where you spoke about all of the options you had at your disposal, what you wanted to do and how she could help you with what you wanted
she was absolute insistent that it was your decision to make and that the discussion was only happening so that she could create a game plan to help you with whatever you chose
you had several of those long discussions, actually, over the course of a work week as you thoroughly weighed out your options and consulted your gp and spoke to a therapist you’d been putting off going to
and in the end you made the decision that you wanted to keep the pregnancy, telling grelle that same day and the two of you started to work on a plan to help you deal with what was going to happen
grelle, of course, was spearheading the operation and fighting anyone who tried to stall her in getting whatever you needed or wanted
she insisted that it was her duty as a wife to take care of her husband, and she was doing a damn good job of it
she got you a prescription for some medication to help with morning sickness and made sure to keep a good stock of pain medication in case you started to swell or feel achy as the pregnancy progressed
she makes sure that the fridge is stocked with your favourite foods or current cravings and will immediately get rid of anything that smells too strong and makes you feel ill
buys you lots of baggy clothing early on — large men’s jumpers and shirts and jackets that hide your bump and don’t have the same feminine energy that typical maternity clothing tends to have
she comforts you when you realise that you can no longer keep up with your hrt due to the pregnancy, always there with a warm hug and comforting words and genuine advice to help you from back before she was able to start her hrt
fetches you anything you need — whether that’s food, drink, a hot water bottle, an ice pack, your phone, just anything you want
when your bump gets too heavy she’ll hold it up from behind, letting you lean back against her as she takes on the weight for a short while
she has gotten into several physical alterations with people who refer to you with feminine terminology and isn’t shy about berating people who misgender her ‘darling husband’
she makes sure that you never miss a checkup and if you’re too dysphoric to look at anything but the screen, then she’ll help cover it from your view during the ultrasounds
decorating the nursery was a two person job but it was great fun — and you thankfully managed to complete it early enough in your pregnancy that you weren’t showing yet, meaning you were able to play a much more active part in the process
she changed your contact name in her phone to ‘seahorse hubby’ as a joke in the first trimester and you both found it way funnier than it was so it stuck
she’s not shy about complimenting you and always tells you how handsome you look and how amazing and selfless you are for creating a whole life — for expanding your family
if your ankles start swelling or you end up with muscle pain, then grelle will happily offer to massage you to ease your aches and pain
runs you warm bubble baths every night to help ease the weight of the pregnancy for you
forever googling your symptoms and trying to find more stylish masculine maternity wear — and losing her mind when she realises that nobody seems to be selling it
(says it could be a good business idea and goes to write it down before continuing with her rant against the clothing industry)
makes sure that you have constant access to mental health services and midwives and doulas to make sure that your mental and physical well-being are the best they can be throughout pregnancy and even post partum
she buys this little spinner thing so that you can let her know how bad your dysphoria is that day and she can react accordingly (green = minimal, orange = present, red = really bad)
always at your beck and call and will answer every text or phone call from you — no matter how much it irritates william or her other colleagues
but they let her off because they’ve met you before and know that pregnancy probably isn’t fun for you — even if your wife won’t stop talking about how ‘awesome’ you are and how you’re going to be ‘the best dad ever’
grelle is with you every step of the way and she tries to be with you physically as much as her work allows — being the most supportive wife she can be and, eventually, becoming the most loving mother you could ever want your child to have
she loves you deeply and appreciates the difficulty of what you’re going through by choosing to carry this pregnancy to term, so she becomes your biggest cheerleader and most passionate advocate
someone who’d give you the moon if you asked and who’d fight everyone who got in her way
and that’s why you love her as much as you do
#sleepingdeath#trans masc reader#fluff#fluff hcs#black butler fluff#black butler x reader#kuroshitsuji fluff#kuroshitsuji x reader#grelle sutcliffe fluff#grelle sutcliff x reader
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Your favorite song
[chapter one] [chapter two] [chapter three] [chapter four]
Summary: When Vecna’s curse affects you, someone who doesn’t consider himself as a hero outside of D&D comes to save you with his amazing guitar skills, playing your favorite song to save you from it.
Author’s Note: Heavily follows the plot and contains spoilers! If you haven’t watched S4 I wouldn’t recommend reading this fic. Maybe you could save it for later? This chapter is mostly the reader spending alone time with Eddie. Also the summary is for the entire series, not only for this chapter. Please read the first chapter before reading this one! And if any of you are wondering how long this series is going to be, I unfortunately don't have an answer to that right now. Hope you enjoy!
Word Count: 3.7k
What to Expect: Eddie Munson x reader, Reader doesn’t believe in supernatural things before she does, Detailed story telling about reader’s trauma and a nightmare that is connected to it, Eddie comforting and taking care of the reader, Really sweet moments with Eddie and more. Oh and also the usage of the nickname 'Sweetheart'.
Spoilers below cut, you have been warned!
After Dustin ran away, he came back just as fast and said, ‘Okay as fun as it was, we have no time to lose.' and continued,
'So about Hawkins being haunted; What I’m about to tell you can be a little difficult to understand…’ He said and told you all about the 'Upside Down' and the demogorgons, a little girl with superpowers etc. It was difficult to understand, like he said. You never believed in supernatural things before.
Eddie was handling it better because he experienced one of those supernatural-murder things first hand. Though he was still confused about the monsters since he didn't saw any involved in Chrissy's murder. Not that he could see any, at least.
After Dustin and the others finished explaining what was going on, Robin lastly said 'Look Eddie, (Y/N), I know they sound delusional right now but trust me, they've experienced it before. More than once actually. Like, a LOT.' She was speaking faster now, the way she did whenever she was talking more than she should have. 'I've experienced it before too. Theirs was more smokey, dust related and mine was more in a human-flesh typa thing but... yeah.' She stopped talking with a small smile on her face, understanding that she had to shut up from the way Steve looked at her.
****
You and Eddie asked some questions that you wanted to ask about this strange parallel world. After your little Q&A session ended, you started to brainstorm about Chrissy's murder. From what they have told to the both of you, some dots finally started to align in your head but you guys were nowhere near to solving this case.
After a few minutes, Eddie and Dustin started to talk about D&D. They were talking about a character named Vecna and its curse. Turns out Vecna was a strong character who did curses on the D&D players' characters and 'It' was famously known by all the players. All of you except Dustin and Eddie were confused about why they were talking about the game right now.
But the more they talked about it, the more similarities there were between Vecna and whatever invisible creature you were facing at that moment. So, they decided to name the invisible murderer after that game character, Vecna.
When the talking came to an end, everyone was tired from all the adventure that they had today and it was getting late. Eddie and you were still talking about the news that you have just learned. The rest of the group on the other hand, started to grab their belongings. They were ready to go home and get a good night's rest. When all the others gathered around the door, ready to walk out, Steve said 'Hey (Y/N), you're not coming?'
Ever since you lost your parents, you didn't want to go back to your house. It didn't feel like home anymore and it brought you nothing but sadness. After that mall fire, you spent the night at your friends' houses. The ones who allowed you to stay at their place changed from time to time since you couldn't have crashed at their place for too long; It wouldn't have been appropriate. You knew you had to go back home and face the truth but you didn't feel ready yet.
'I can't go back to Ashley's house again, I've been staying over at her place for 3 days already and I haven't had a chance to talk with anybody else. Can I stay with one of you guys tonight?' You asked, feeling a little ashamed.
Without leaving others a chance to talk, Eddie asked:
'Why don't you stay with me tonight? I know it won't be the comfiest night of your life but I don't wanna stay here alone with my own thoughts.'
You turned to him and calculated your option. Staying the night with Eddie actually didn't sound like a bad idea. Sure, he was a wanted man and there was no bed in the shack so it was going to be uncomfortable. But you were going to be alone with him, it was a perfect chance to get to know him better. So you said, 'That's a great idea, I'll stay with you.'
The others were surprised at how fast you were going but they were also really happy. You had this crush for months now and you two were finally spending time together. And him having an interest in you too was a cherry on top.
They were a little worried about you staying in the shack though; Jason could've find both of you and you could've gotten into trouble too because of Eddie. Although they were worried, they respected your choice and promised to bring you guys some food for tomorrow. Then, they left.
Once they got into the car and disappeared into the forest, you started to look around. There was nothing but boat related stuff in the shack, obviously. But you were looking for a little pillow or an extra blanket. Once you understood that there were none, you turned to Eddie. He was watching you all this time, with an amused expression on his face.
'What are you doing?' He asked.
'Looking for something ...comfy to sleep on.'
'In this shack? Good luck finding it, sweetheart.'
That nickname he just called you made you blush. You didn't want to give in so easily but it was hard. You turned to him, trying to look annoyed. 'There's gotta be something we can do. What about we take some pillows from Reefer Rick's place?'
****
After you sneakily took two pillows and a big blanket, you went back to the shack. You two were like ghosts, you didn't make a single sound while going in and out. After you came back to your hiding place, Eddie turned to you and said,
'Okay so tell me about yourself.'
'What do you wanna know?'
'Hmm... like how was little (Y/N) in middle school?'
You chuckled at his question, wondering why he asked this out of all the others he could've asked. It was a sweet and caring question though, so you liked it. As you started to think about all the memories, it felt like such a long time ago. And it was actually. But you didn't want to grow up. You didn't want time to pass quickly. Especially right now.
After you told him all of your stories, the good and the bad ones, it was his turn. He told you about how his head was buzzed and he was in a band group. Then, he told you about the talent show that they took a part in. Talent shows have never been your thing so you couldn't remember that day. He helped you remember it by giving you a little theatrical show. He told you about the magician guy with the bunny, mimicking to get the bunny out of the black magician hat.
Eddie was so good at acting and he absolutely knew how to lighten up the room with his charm and funny sense of humour. You were cracking up while he was giving you a show, even he was laughing at himself for being this silly. You were having an amazing time. Then he continued with a talented girl who painted a little amazing canvas and the cheerleader team. He did a little move, copying the moves they made during their performances. Then he remembered Chrissy.
His playfulness was now replaced with an emotionless expression. He was looking at a distant view, deep in thoughts. You immediately went next to him, looking at the same direction. You were standing side by side now, looking at the sky which was full of stars.
'Look Eddie, It's not your fault. None of it is your fault.' You said, placing a hand on his back, occasionally moving it up and down to reassure him. Eddie didn't want to look you in the eyes. 'Maybe I could've done something to prevent it...'
'No don't do this to yourself, please.' You forced him to turn to you, to look at you straight in the eye. 'You couldn't have known what was right, we still don't know what 'Vecna' truly is and what it wanted from her... You could've gotten yourself killed, Eddie.' You said, feeling the tears beginning to form in your eyes.
'Hey hey hey, no I'm right here. C'mon now c'mere.' He said, almost in a whispering tone while opening his arms widely for you to hug him. You closed the distance between the two of you, waiting for a moment for him to pull you in closer. After his hands found its way down to your waist, he wrapped his arms around you and you laid your head on his chest. The feeling of his arms around you, squeezing your body lightly made you feel safe. It was a really beautiful and comforting feeling you have never experienced before, not like this.
You stayed like that for a while until Eddie broke the silence by saying 'As much as I'd like to spend the whole night cuddling like this, we better get some sleep. You never know what tomorrow holds for us.'
****
Before going to sleep, you and Eddie had trouble figuring out where you should sleep. Since you two only found one blanket, it wasn't going to be easy. But you also had another problem. Like what if someone came to the shack looking for Eddie in the middle of the night? You sleeping on the ground wouldn't have caused any problems since people didn't know that you two were close. Also sleeping on the floor would've been more comfortable than sleeping in a small boat.
And also neither of you wanted to take things faster than it should've been. You had so much time ahead of you, right? So, Eddie was going to sleep in the boat, the boat cover was going to be on top of it just to be safe and you were going to sleep on the floor. He gave you the blanket and helped you form your little 'bed'. After that, you laid down and he kneeled beside you, placing a small kiss to your forehead.
'Goodnight sweetheart.'
'I love that nickname.' you chuckled, feeling the burn in your cheeks and the butterflies in your stomach.
'Goodnight Eddie.'
****
Some hours went by while the two of you slept peacefully.
Then, in your dream, you saw your parents. They were waving at you, calling your name. They looked so happy and …alive. You thought that it was real. That you were there, with them. As the time went by, you understood that it was a memory. A memory from your middle school times actually. It was the first day of middle school, you were so excited to go back there and hang out with your friends. You have spent an amazing vacation and you wanted to share it with them.
It was a beautiful sunny day, the sun was shining brightly in the sky. You were getting ready as your mother called you from the living room saying ‘(Y/N), come on honey you wouldn’t want to be late to your first day of school, right?’ You said: ‘I’m coming mom!’ and rushed outside, with your backpack on your hand. Your mother helped you get into the car and your father started the engine. It was nice to have them drop you off at school. You felt safe with them.
After a short amount of time, your father parked the car in front of your school and all of you got out. You were so excited, ready to go to your new class. You grabbed your backpack and your mother helped you to put it on. When you were all set, you started to walk towards the main door of your school. You were halfway there when your parents shouted at you, calling your name saying ‘Have a nice day at school (Y/N), we love you so much baby!’ You turned to them and saw that they were waving hands, looking happier than ever. You returned the smile and waved at them before going in.
And your vision started to blur, your sight becoming worse. You couldn’t see anything because of the smoke that was covering your vision. You started to understand where you were: in the mall, during the goddamn fire. There was smoke everywhere and all you could hear was the sirens of the ambulance and the fire engine. You were searching for your parents, trying to look everywhere but it was impossible. It was getting harder to breathe and you thought like you were being strangled. After a few seconds, you saw a fireman running towards you. He looked so worried and he yelled ‘I’m here okay? I’m going to get you out of here as soon as possible!’ You were a little relieved but you were still worried about your parents. Although you were struggling to get oxygen, you were shouting: ‘MOM! DAD! WHERE ARE YOU?’ You kept repeating to shout until you felt like your lungs were burning…
‘Mom, Dad…’ you were murmuring in your sleep. It was obvious that you were seeing a nightmare. Eddie started to hear your voice as it kept getting louder and louder. He immediately jumped out of the boat and ran next to you. In the process, he accidentally hit his foot on something, something rigid. He couldn’t see what it was because there was no light. He cussed to himself, saying ‘Shit shit shit.’ But thanks to that little accident, he was now fully awake.
After he sat down next to you, he saw that you were shaking. You were sleeping in a place where a ray of the moonlight hit you, illuminating your face. There were little beads of sweat on your forehead and you were squinting your eyes, hard. He was in a shock but he knew he had to hurry. So, he grabbed your shoulders and started to shake you slowly. He didn’t want to make a wrong move, that's why he was acting carefully. As the time went by, your voice kept getting louder. ‘MOM, DAD!? WHERE ARE YOU!’ He started to shake you firmly now. ‘(Y/N), Wake up! Wake up (Y/N), wake uup!’
And then, you woke up. For the first few seconds, you started to look around the room, trying to figure out where you were. You were still shaking a little, eyes wide open and mouth agape. Eddie was still holding your shoulders, trying to ground you. You were close to a wall so he grabbed your pillow and put you in a fowler’s position. When your eyes finally met, you felt relieved.
He was talking to you in a soft tone, almost whispering: ‘It’s over now (Y/N). You’re here, I’m here. You’re safe with me.’ And urged you to come closer to him. Once again you closed the distance between the two of you, hugging him tightly as if holding him loosely was going to result in him fading away. His long, untamed hair was on your forehead, mixing with your sweaty hair. You wanted to stay there, like this, in his arms for as long as you can. You thought that he was going to back away to give you a little space but he didn’t. He held you in his arms and you nuzzled up against him.
When you finally came to your senses, you started to talk slowly, your bottom lip trembling: ‘I saw this nightmare before. It literally haunts me and I can’t escape it.’ You were now sitting in front of each other, looking at each other’s eyes. He gave you an understanding look, his eyes observing your face.
‘You were screaming ‘Mom and dad’ repeatedly, I don’t wanna cross a line but would you like to tell me what happened?’
‘If you want to, tho. No pressure.’ He said, trying to look nonchalant in case you didn’t want to talk about it.
‘No, it’s fine. I will tell you about it.’ you said and told him all about that day. When you finished telling the story, you also added ‘I’ve been having these ongoing headaches recently and occasionally I’ve been seeing the same nightmare. But I don’t remember experiencing it this badly before.’ You lowered your gaze, you were now looking at the blanket. Your hands were on top of it and without realizing, you started to play with your hands like you did whenever you got anxious.
‘I’m sorry (Y/N)...’ He said, frowning.
You quickly added: ‘That’s why I’ve been staying at my friends’ house for some time now. Going back home makes me aware of the reality we live in -as if I ever get a chance to forget- and rubs the harsh reality in my face.’
‘I understand.’ He said, unable to form any convenient phrases. Instead of turning this into a therapy session, he abruptly said: ‘Well, I am not going into that small boat again! I’m going to sleep here, next to you.’ He was never good at comforting someone or talking about feelings. His coping mechanism was to use sarcasm and that pretty much explained everything. No one really expected anything from him when it came to reassuring someone with the help of using words. He tried to keep things light hearted and as playful as possible, trying to distract the person from their own dark thoughts.
‘But what if they see you from the window?’
‘Let them, I don’t care. You need me right now’
‘Aand I refuse to go back to that boat, folding in half just to fit my ass into that small space.’
And when he saw that you were smiling again, he felt warm inside. Seeing you all miserable when you were having that nightmare was one of the worst things he had to experience but it was now all in the past.
He immediately stood up and went to get his pillow, running funnily just to make you laugh. And it was working, you were laughing. All the sadness in the air slowly disappeared and both of you were grateful for that. After he got his pillow, he quickly returned to your side and you scooted over to give him some space under the blanket. For a second you two remained still, not quite sure what to do with your hands and all of that.
‘Uh, this is kinda awkward isn’t it?’ Eddie said. ‘Like, what are we supposed to do now?’
‘Well, we could cuddle if you’d like..’
‘Ah yeah sure.’ he said quickly, in an awkward-Eddie way and turned to your side. You two found the most comfortable position to cuddle and after a few seconds, he started to play with your hair, running his hands through it as you both slowly drifted off to sleep.
****
When the morning finally came, you felt the warmth of a ray of sunshine on your face. You slowly opened your eyes and saw Eddie sleeping right next to you, having a peaceful little smile on his face. As you were yawning and getting ready to say good morning to him, you heard the door of the shack opening loudly.
You immediately freaked out and saw some figures standing on the doorway. You were ready to wake up Eddie when you saw a figure approaching inside. Turns out it was Steve. He yelled ‘FOOD DELIVERY’. At that moment Eddie literally jumped on the floor and instantly tried to cover himself with the blanket, not making any noise. After his drowsiness went away, he understood that it was Steve who was yelling like crazy on a peaceful morning. ‘Ah, what beautiful a way to wake up!’ Eddie exclaimed, his voice filled with annoyance. It was probably the crack of dawn, he thought to himself.
‘Hey! Morning sleepyheads.’ said Max while getting inside, holding a paper bag full of snacks. ‘Heyy..’ you said, still having that raspy morning voice. ‘You guys know what time it is?’
‘It’s 13.46.’ Dustin stated, checking his watch. Eddie and you were both shocked. You guys said ‘What?!’ at the same moment, earning a laugh from the others. ‘Guess you got a good night’s sleep guys’ said Robin, unaware of all the shit you went through in the middle of the night last night. You managed to say ‘Yeaah, right..’
****
After you two had a breakfast -which was dry cereal- ; Robin shared the news. She said that the police were definitely looking for Eddie and that there has been another murder just like Chrissy’s. They said the murdered guy’s name was Fred Benson and that he used to be a member of the school’s newspaper team. ‘What does Vecna want from highschoolers?’ You asked genuinely. None of you seemed to have an answer to that but it was obvious that there was a connection. One that you couldn’t figure out for now.
And Dustin said, ‘That’s what we’re gonna find out.’ confidently.
****
Thank you so much for reading chapter two of the series!
If you like this part, let me know by liking, reblogging or even leaving a comment. All of it and feedbacks are appreciated. Also if you want to be added in the taglist, let me know!
Stay in tune for the next chapter <3
taglist:
@theold-ultraviolence
#eddie munson#eddie munson x y/n#eddie munson x reader#eddie munson x female reader#eddie munson fic#stranger things s4#stranger things imagine#stranger things fic#joseph quinn#steve harrington#dustin henderson#robin buckley#max mayfield#yourfavoritesongseries#writings
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So, I saw your request is open and you can do reverse 1999. Can I request for one? :)
I identified as a genderfluid and I use any pronouns. I'm queer and don't really have preferences over gender, so you can assign me with any character.
As for my age, I'm 16 years old. So, please assign a character that around that age (around 15-17) :)
Now, the personality part. I'm INFP 4w5. At first I come up as an easily angered and annoyed person because my resting face. But when you're already close with me or become friends with me in general, I comes up as more friendly and reliable. Also I will not afraid to talk anything, but still in the ranges of consent and trigger warning if that person btw. I almost forgot but I'm calm for the majority of time, but I can get easily panic under pressure.
Okay, about my hobby. I like listening to music, playing games, reading book, drawing and any indoor activities in general.
Sorry, if I write some of this in not so descriptive way Anyways, I hope you have a great day and don't forget to hydrate :3
You're so sweet omg :3 This feels unoriginal but I think you and Medicine Pocket would go really well together <333
(P.S: I will refer to Medicine Pocket with he/she/they pronouns and will use them interchangeably)
Medicine Pocket
Honestly, you guys probably didn't start off very well when you first met...
They thought you were so fun to tease though
But then once the two of you grew closer, he realized how nice you actually were :3
She appreciates how straightforward you are in regard to conversation, as well as your respect for their boundaries <3
They definitely have some trauma that they wouldn't feel comfortable talking about, so he's glad you respect that.
She likes your calmness and thinks it makes it even more fun to tease you
BUT if you ever get uncomfortable or start to panic they will stop immediately
It may not seem like it but he cares for you a lot <3
If you ever do start to panic and it's not her fault, she's not the best at calming you down, but she will certainly try her best!
He'll take you to a quiet place and either let you talk about it or just hold you
They're not one for physical touch, but will always make an exception for you ^_^
I feel like Medicine Pocket would either really like rock music or scenecore stuff
If you're not into the same kind of music, he probably wouldn't listen with you........
She still loves you she just doesn't like music that's anything other than what she listens to
They're also not one for reading unless it pertains to science or other things they're interested in
Would absolutely LOVE it if you ever read to him though
It doesn't even matter what you're reading, he just loves your voice
A/N
I'm writing this on my school computer in my hospital bed rn.... Writing with Grammarly on is way harder than I thought it would be </3 Anyway you are sooo so sweet :3 Have an amazing day, take care <333333333
#r1999 x reader#reverse 1999 x reader#medicine pocket x reader#medicine pocket#matchup event#x reader#matchups#reverse 1999#r1999
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Thanks for reading my guidelines. I go by the mun-alias Midnight, also Raven (she/they), early millennial, living in the CET timezone. My activity level is medium to low, my reply speed is slow, please don't rush me. English is my second language. I'm from a german roleplay community and immigrated to Tumblr in 2022 after our old platform got shut down. I'm still learning about Tumblr rp etiquette and guidelines, please be patient with me. If you see me doing something unusal or weird feel free to correct me at anytime but be respectful about it.
01. To interact with me, you have to be 18+ (mun and muse). I am not affiliated with The Boys, its creators or the actor Karl Urban and I don't own the character Billy Butcher. I claim ownership of my own written headcanons and texts only. The Boys is an R-rated series and this is a general trigger warning for mature content such as blood, gore, violence, abuse, trauma, sex, sick humour, foul language, weapons, drug use and overall rude behaviour which can be expected from this muse.
02. It should go without saying but at the same time cannot be stressed enough: mun ≠ muse. On some occasions people were not able (or willing) to differentiate between me and my character which led to them feeling offended ooc and hardblocking me midconvo without communicating their discomfort. Butcher can be tremendously rude and aggressive, he swears excessively and is quick to insult your muse if he dislikes them or feels provoked. Writing him close to the canon is very demanding and getting his tone of voice and demeanor right is one of the greatest challenges that I've ever came across in 15+ years of writing. It's such a bummer when I put in the effort and the result is totally misinterpreted. Make sure beforehand that you can absolutely handle interacting with such a muse and do not take anything from him personal or too serious. I am completely different from him, I consider myself friendly, patient and very chill about most things and I'm always willing to talk things out.
03. Besides roleplaying I am also a hobby gif maker, therefore personal blogs are welcome to interact with my posts. Just make sure you don't reblog or comment on roleplay related stuff which includes tag games, writing examples, headcanons, threads and answered asks. Speaking of asks: I will generally react in-character whenever possible. I've received some messages in my inbox that I can't quite classify. If you want to talk to me, the person behind, please put your text in brackets or mark as "for the mun" so I know for sure you're addressing me and not my muse.
04. I haven't very much in-character text on this blog yet, since I mostly rp privately in DM's or on sideblogs. I'm very open and curious to try threads, I'd love to have some writing on my blog whether it be novels, oldschool style shorter postings or some in-character chatting. This would come closest to the 'Pinnwand' we had on our old platform and I still miss it a lot. I'm using the beta editor, which should be standard at this point anyways, and I am able to trim posts. Feel free to hit me up if you're interested and are comfortable with doing any sorts of public threads. You can also just send me an ask (off anon to start a continuous interaction) or tag me in a starter. I highly prefer german and I'm not open to english advanced literate, where complex prose is required. I have little to no experience with it but maybe I'll get more comfortable in the future.
05. When it comes to writing, I ask for a few things: no godmodding, power play or meta gaming. I also don't like forcing or rushing certain interactions that don't feel like natural character progression. Plotting beforehand is welcome but not mandatory. If it ever feels like being stuck we can pause the writing and have a small plotting session between scenes or even for the same scene. I am a big fan of the "yes, and" approach. Give me something to work with, don't let your replies be "dead" and passive. I get discouraged very quickly when I get little to no input and have to come up with moving the plot or interactions myself all the time. I don't have an estimated length for texts, it always depends and I usually don't match length just for the sake of having written a lot. I am not too fond of texts that are artificially bloated and there's essentially nothing happening.
06. I'm multiship and multiverse, meaning every ship takes place in its own verse if not communicated otherwise. I personally enjoy shipping a lot if there's good chemistry but Butcher is difficult to ship and due to his background pretty much unavailable for romantic bonding. It's not impossible though. I'm also interested in any setting where I get a chance to write him as an unhinged villain and diverge from the canon more liberately.
07. My approach to curating my dashboard is quite different, I would say, compared to what's considered standard (clean dash, small circle of mutuals). I follow a lot, and I mean a shitton, of people. I follow every blog out of interest and curiousity but please understand that it's impossible for me to interact with everyone. Also due to my gif making I get quite a bit of notifications when I'm actively posting sets, I'm prone to accidentially miss out on notifs about new followers/mutuals. My dashboard is fast and busy and I like it that way, I've made a conscious choice about this. It has become a wind down ritual for me, just silently scrolling, catching up and finding lots of stuff I enjoy without feeling obligated to contact people or getting replies done. Yes, I am here for rp, but I like to do lots of other things on Tumblr, too. There's periods of time where I don't have the energy to work on drafts or talk to anyone, not even folks who I have grown to genuinely like. Rest assured that you never did anything wrong when I disappear for a while. If I have any sort of issue or problem I will communicate it. What I'm not willing to do is constantly giving activity updates on a schedule. If I go on hiatus for longer I will most likely make a post about it. It's my personal opinion that no one should ever feel pressured into explaining why and for how long they are away.
08. Don't be a cunt. I have zero tolerance for homophobia, transphobia, racism, ableism, sexism, hateful comments in general, out of character drama, gossiping, constant negativity, passive aggressiveness, vague posting, guilt tripping, gaslighting and other similar behaviour. Just be a decent person and we're fine.
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Penlight Spoiler Reviews (Sayori Part 2)
Download Penlight (Pay what you like) from Itch.io here
Past reviews: Quick Review - Nozomi Routes - Sayori (Part 1)
Turq's reviews: Hiroko Robot - Hiroko Tickling - Nozomi Zombie
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So... last time we met with Sayori and turned her into a Doll.
This time we're going to discuss the impact of Personality Play on a person and outright give Sayori dissociative identity disorder. As a person diagnosed with DID and a victim of personality play abuse I have a lot to talk about on this topic. I hope you don't mind me being a little over-indulgent.
CW: The Alter route will discuss topics of IRL hypnotic abuse and the long-term effects of personality play on a person's psyche as well as perspectives of how DID presents in my personal experience. I put the reality segments in italics to help people skip over them.
ALTER ROUTE:
Note that the name I refer to the Alter by in this review is the name I gave her. It is not even remotely canon. Aiko, Megumi and Yuri are the default names given by the game. Please do not take the naming convention I used to reflect DeMille's authorial intent. I use it mostly to match the screenshots and give some more pump to a narrative twist.
The first half of the review contains some seeds of discussion topics that I want to grow out so I highly recommend reading that one.
This route is my biggest hypnotic trauma being played out in visual novel format. I'll sprinkle my thoughts on the reality within the fiction. I'll put the reality pieces in italics if you want to skip them.
So if the Doll Route is based on the concept of boundaries and respecting someone's comfort then the Alter route answers the age old question of "What if your hypnotist were hit by a bus" that is to say, what are the impacts of going about your life with dangerous and permanent programming still in your head?
I suppose another theme would be one I vibe with intently. "Be careful who you entrust your mind with"
Sayori asked "what's the worst that could happen?" at the start of his hypnosis scene. Sayori, always so careful to think about things before committing takes her time with the doll suggestion. What if she didn't advocate for herself and set up firm barriers?
"What's the worst that could happen?"
Alter Route is a winding map of many paths and much of it is still yet to be written. The route begins with Sayori being asked to adopt a carefree persona who hates to study (and has a crush on Kyou). He also specifies that this persona will have no idea that Sayori even exists.
You, the player, are given a prompt to provide her a name.
I called her Sapphire. First playthrough and so shall again for this review. I picked that name with intent. I'm still not 100% sure it was a good idea, but I did.
Is it because of the alliteration? The blue hair? My referring to my hypnotic eyes as having a "sapphire flame"?
I said that this route was my biggest hypnotic trauma being played out on the screen?
In 2003 a dumb 19 year old met a man online named AW. AW saw that teenager's mind was fertile ground for character play. He planted a couple of alters in that kids head but none were as beloved nor as important as his little recruitment doll. His "slave" (oh how I have grown to hate that word) who he trained to bring him pretty girls...
The name I feel comfortable with in this current era of my life is Dawn. I prefer people call me Dawn when I am in this headspace, though I don't mind being called Camden and can tolerate being called Cammie when it is said by someone affectionate of us as an individual. But I am fractured. Diagnosed with DID in 2023. I type about it every now and again.
He called me Sapphire.
It was the name of a roleplay character... I even have Sue-Chan art commissioned of her. I have another piece at my bedside desk and have had it much of my adult life.
I have done a lot of thinking on if my DID is a result of this extensive play or if my DID simply made my mind more susceptible to it. The question is moot for the most part but I have found comfort in believing that there were elements of our heart which we were unaware of at a young age...
And AW reached in and found those elements within us. He found the part of us that was unburdened by sexual or gender repression and was able to personify our hypnosis obsession in a way we simply could not otherwise. He saw it. He identified it. Named it... Then dared to claim ownership of it.
In the game, Sayori takes to the suggestion swimmingly. She embodies the traits of this alter personality. She becames [Sapphire]. Giggling and acting shy around her beloved Kyou, she demands a tour of the house and Kyou becomes increasingly concerned that this act is going a little too far and you are given your first option.
For simplicity's sake I'll divide the path into 3 distinct branches (I made up the names for clarity as they do not have names on the official route tree):
Golden Ending - In which Sayori is woken up in Kyou's room and is so freaked out by the lack of memories between going into trance and waking up that much like Doll Route she refuses to let Kyou hypnotize her until she feels confident of the safety. In this route [Sapphire] does not come out ever again.
Day Lost - In which Kyou does not wake Sayori up and lets [Sapphire] go home and spend a night at home and isn't woken up until the next day at school. In this route Sayori's trust is broken enough that she seeks Nozomi's help, not Kyou's in saving her from this situation.
Week Lost - In which Kyou does not wake Sayori up and instead he decides outright to program [Sapphire] to be the dominant persona and avoid detection from the outside world.
For the Golden Ending there are a number of prompts during Sapphire's (let's drop the bracket gimmick and just call her that, it's better than saying Alter Sayori over and over) brief stint where you are given the option of bringing Sayori back and after she is justifiably upset about waking up mid-conversation in a different room you are given an option to summon Sapphire again.
I like that the chaotic nature of the initial encounter allows a number of options to go between what essentially are the options of "let Sayori exit Kyou's room" or "let Sapphire exit Kyou's room", especially as Kyou himself is making a decent number of assumptions about Sayori and her willingness to go along with the suggestion.
Kyou is a very big believer in the idea that a person's willingness to obey a suggestion is equivalent to a person's consent to the suggestion. This is because Kyou is a dumb kid and he is playing with fire.
If he does not try to force Sayori to calm down by imposing the carefree persona upon her she will accuse Kyou of projecting his infatuation of Nozomi onto her and become frustrated that he would dare override her core traits with such dangerous programming.
She notes that hypnosis shouldn't make her act the way she clearly was acting and admits this requires further study after cram school. She insists Kyou dedicate himself to further study on the topic too.
His study, which to his credit he does commit to, comes up empty. He believes Sayori is in denial that part of her yearns to be carefree and act as Sapphire had.
Sayori does her own research and...
Sayori is best girl.
She admits herself foolish for going along with it but is committed to the science of understanding what is happening to her. As a test she tries to resist Kyou's sleep suggestion but when she put her head on the pillow she was compelled to sleep deeply. She could not stop it. No matter how hard she tried.
She recognizes that the best hypnotists in the world could not do as Kyou has done.
Kyou gets defensive and starts a fight which escalates. At present you only have the option to apologize but there is a greyed out option for future in which you can bring Sapphire back.
I'm interested in seeing that path in the future.
After the pair talk it through Sayori thinks to involve Nozomi as a third party consultant. She wants to see if Kyou's hypnosis is as powerful on anyone or if it is just her and she knows Nozomi will instantly agree to this.
Sayori is a bad friend. In Doll route she refused to allow Nozomi to interfere with the hypnosis but in this route she weaponizes her knowledge of Nozomi's hypnosis fetish in order to have someone to test on. Even the safest penlight hypnosis has the potential for danger and it's hard to reconcile her involving Nozomi, even in a route where Kyou has proven himself not a shithead.
After school they test the penlight on Nozomi.
and it confirms in Sayori's mind the hypothesis that the penlight is odd and makes hypnosis act in ways it shouldn't. She even notes that the CIA have been trying to do what Kyou has managed for decades and a random high school kid accidentally stumbles on it.
Sayori really hates how Kyou just bumbles into success when she has to fight so hard to scrape by.
Now in the Nozomi route I mentioned that the timelines are pretty rigid for Sayori and to a lesser extent Hiroko. Sayori has cram school every day except for Sunday (which is a day taken by Hiroko's tennis tournament) and much of the Doll route requires maneuvering around study club, an optional obligation, and cram school which is necessary or she will be contacted by her father.
The other Alter routes will involve consequences for Sayori's grip on her responsibilities relaxing a little. Here she is still trying to be everything she should be while dealing with this extra stress.
That all said, she rushes out of the scene when Kyou finished the simple down and up with Nozomi. She has to go to cram school. She vanishes so fast that Nozomi is left sitting at the table running her fingers along the table and processing the fact that a fantasy from her mind control stories just came true and it's all suddenly over.
So Nozomi, with an opportunity to make her fantasies come true, tries to convince Kyou that it would help Sayori out to do more tests. She insists that it is in Kyou's best interest and she promises that if Sayori is upset then she will take full responsibility. She gives Kyou as many outs as possible to tempt him.
You have to deny her twice.
If you accept then there's a rough draft of an unfinished path but it also provides the most Sleepyhead moment in the game.
I swear to heaven Sleepyhead is going to cosplay Nozomi Akemi at a hypnosis convention one of these days...
Turning her down is one of the most mature moments Kyou has in any route.
His crush has just begged him to do the thing this entire affair was for and he turns her down.
I'm proud of you Kyou. You're a good boy. Also Nozo truly cannot be trusted around hypnosis.
You're a lovely girl, Nozomi, but you're insatisable. We all love you for it. But you cannot be trusted.
Look back to the Doll Route and the thing with the culture festival application. Sayori ruins her relationship with Nozomi because he couldn't trust her around the promise of hypnosis or Kyou with the temptation of working with Nozomi.
It's interesting when we get to see these dramatic irony stings.
The next day Sayori turns up and tells him to destroy the penlight. If you refuse then Kyou will force Sapphire out again use her willingness to go along with Kyou to entrance her again and both deprogram Sayori and erase Sayori's memory and then the next day utilizes Nozomi's offer to test more to do the same with her. Alone again but he still have his penlight.
In the good ending. He uses the penlight to deprogram Sayori and destroys the penlight. The story cuts a few months later and Kyou has become a regular at Study Club and is picking himself up. He is treating Sayori's insomnia via therapeutic hypnosis and is truly thinking about becoming a real life hypnotherapist.
He also pulled off the culture festival and though Sayori was not involved, Nozomi kept him on his toes.
The pair have grown close and know a lot about one another's lives to the point of which Kyou asks Sayori on a date to an arcade and she is surprised that he would ask her to such a location and Kyou mentions her talking about how much she enjoyed arcades before high school.
Sayori notes that they may be having a date but she still is still moving if she gets into med school and they won't last long. Kyou acknowledges that it's worth enjoying the moment even if it doesn't pan out.
I love her.
Now this route involves erasing Sapphire in both good and bad ending. She barely got to exist. Less than 5 minutes into the world.
Shall we go back in time to that initial encounter and meet her now?
An interesting part of the Alter routes where Sayori and Sapphire are bouncing back and forth (intentionally or unintentionally) is that this is the only route that has "rules" to keep a track of.
Any time Sayori is turned into Sapphire or Sapphire is turned into Sayori there is a complete void between times that the Become... trigger was used.
Sapphire recognizes that she was given a trigger to have a "carefree and fun" persona installed and assumes that "Sayori" is the name of this. Any time someone calls her it she becomes more and more aware of the situation.
Another rule is that Sayori and Sapphire have a common history and this is a really interesting thing that instantly caught my attention and proved that DeMille understood the assignment and either studied dissociative identities or is quite capable of understanding how they are expressed.
There is nothing about Sapphire that isn't part of Sayori. She is not how Sayori would imagine someone without inhibitions or a caricature of a carefree person. Sayori simply remembered a younger point of her life when she used to visit the arcade with her father and how her life felt before she became weighed down by expectations and the stress of not being able to keep up with her studies.
Look up at those last two pictures. That's Sayori at the end of the Golden Ending and Sapphire at the start of the Alter path. That smile isn't unique to Sapphire. Sayori can smile like that too. She can visit the arcade and have fun. That is a huge part of the story that is being told here. There truly is nothing within Sapphire that doesn't already exist within Sayori. They share a beautiful blushing smile.
It's not fully developed as a story where this was the core of the tale would be but I think that is something that makes it all the more effective. It's succinct. A concept I am completely blind to but I do like it when others pull it off. I am not saying that Sapphire is 12 year old Sayori (well. My thoughts are more nuanced than that at least. We'll see what I mean a little later). I am saying Sayori was asked to conceptualize a carefree version of herself and Sapphire was constructed from the emotions that she was once familiar with.
Which makes for not just an effective story, but a reflection of reality.
AW met us from a roleplaying group. Sapphire was not the only character we played in those days. But she was the only hypnotist character. When we were a teenager we were deep into reading hypnotic theory. We burned through so many books between ages 16-25. But there's a difference between reading how to do a thing and doing it.
But Sapphire was a character and so in posts she would think about different types of inductions by their name and talk about things like convincers and depth signals. She spoke in a grandiose pattern. She was confident. In charge. Dominant.
I don't know how many people AW had us hypnotize but he recognized that we did not have the confidence to do so when we were lucid. But in Sapphire's headspace there was no filter, no cogs turning... it was fluid. A person who knew their stuff, believing they knew their stuff... no delay, no bravado. Was I what I imagined a hypnotist to be or was I just a version of myself unburdened by a shame of kink, a fear of eroticism, any notion that this was not who we were and what we were built for.
I recall in the 2010s when my friend group met "me" in my iteration at the time... there was no hypnosis that time. Just a call from the heart to fill a void in a tabletop scene. Our playable character was transformed into the personality of a femme fatale and we needed to act as her with no time to prepare. We closed our eyes and reached inward. Sapphire is not the shape we sought but it was the shape that reached up and took control in that moment.
We think about that moment a lot. I took the name "Honoria" that day. The shape of "me" had changed. I wonder what shape I was before AW got a hold of me. Sapphire existed before AW... but he poisoned her. Changed her into something else. It makes me wonder what experiences, emotions and memories forged me. I wasn't always here. But now I am...
And I don't just disappear in silent moments or the years between activty.
I'm also a sucker for rules in storytelling and so when things like which name is spoken out loud or the trigger is used I am keeping these things in mind. I wanted to mention that early as it plays in as we go.
So Kyou does not bring back Sayori and Sapphire laughs about how Kyou's hypnosis must have failed when he calls her "Sayori" and she does not recognize the name.
And with Kyou's negligence on full display, Sapphire heads out of the house, not even recognizing her own name. He assumes she'll just snap out of it when the situation calls for it. He doesn't realize the level of distress that can be caused by leaving someone in a literally "altered" state interact with the world and their life.
We used to call it "channeling". Evidence had shown that hypnosis could let our younger self do things that they couldn't do in an unaltered state. Eventually they started to lean into it. At work. In intimate situations. When they needed to perform. When they needed to play a character, to push through barriers of fear and doubt. Close your eyes. Let yourself enter a flow state. Become the person you need to be...
We were already a transgender woman pretending to be a man. This just made us a transgender woman pretending to be a man needing to pretend to be other people just to function in basic life tasks. It felt pathetic. It felt so alienating from my sense of self. I didn't identify with my body or my mind. In seeking ego death we hypnotically abused ourselves to the point of which we were just an idea of a person who had a legal name that didn't feel like our own...
I did this to myself, I would think.
The next day Sapphire ambushes Kyou at the gate. He notes it's odd but he's just happy there's someone happy to see him.
Kyou doesn't realize this is the alter personality and calls her Sayori, convincing her that Kyou is still trying to make the hypnotic compulsion from the previous day work.
Kyou's reply is not to tell her to Become Sayori again. It is to panic about what Sapphire will do when she hears the wrong name being spoken by the teacher and her friends...
In his defense, Sapphire did scold him in trying to trigger her in a public place.
But he still prioritizes a comfortable landing for Sayori over the danger of allowing Sapphire to run rampant.
This priority is the source of much of the drama in the One Day situation.
During class people do infact call Sapphire "Sayori" and she is horrified and confused by it.
We are given two options.
"It's a prank" - Change her back
We'll focus on change her back for now and come back later for "It's a prank". After all. Kyou may be able to tell himself that he is prioritizing Sayori's safety and doesn't want to wake her up to a public setting but the longer he puts this off the more distress both Sayori and Sapphire will be in.
It would be irresponsible to actively encourage this situation to continue by gaslighting or worse programming a woman in distress to lean into her altered headspace to avoid confronting the reality of the other persona being upset when they wake up.
...so let's have Kyou bring Sayori back.
Penlight hypnosis causes the hypnotee to blank out entirely. We saw this directly in the "Reversal" route. This counts for altered states too. We had seen it when Sayori woke up suddenly in Kyou's room and we saw her reaction to it in the Golden Ending path.
Imagine how terrified she would be waking up a day later with no memories of her night. Knowing that some other version of herself had lived a day in her life. Spoken to her parents. Attended school. Acted as if it were here.
The sentiment makes her sick to her stomach.
Sometimes in our emails and chatlogs we find little bits of evidence of our actions and behaviors, areas of the internet we had posted in with no recollection, even after system discovery.
AW had Sapphire make her own Yahoo account to send messages from, I have the sign-up email in my inbox. When I saw it my blood froze cold. I still do not know the password and it has been locked from my attempts to get in. It terrifies me to think of all the things I would see if I managed to get in.
I don't think I can describe the powerlessness and vulnerability that comes when you realize that the continuity of your own experience has been disrupted and even in the face of evidence you're unable to reconcile it. You know that it was you. You cannot deny that. But it still remains alien. You have no memory at all of the situation or scenario. It makes you feel so hopeless and untethered.
She takes it fairly well, given the circumstances.
Sayori retreats to the rooftop club ordering Kyou to stay the hell away from her. She is beyond terrified.
Kyou, being Kyou, instantly starts internally pouting about how he is not at fault for how people take his hypnotic suggestions and that it is unreasonable to blame him when hypnosis cannot force someone to do something they didn't want to do.
Typical Kyou stuff.
He does note he should have been better about safety and beats himself up a little about his mistake, though.
From here the school week continues on with Sayori avoiding Kyou. She instantly speaks to Nozomi, someone she knows can help her with matters of hypnosis. Nozomi even gives Kyou a firm talking to and tells him in no uncertain terms "you hurt my friend. You have to atone. On her terms, not yours."
Nozomi is wonderful. She really gets to shine in this route as she is the voice of ethics in hypnokink. Ironic, given how quickly she throws that all away when she has an opportunity to go under for herself but she knows her stuff, she knows her ethics.
It speaks to how much a person can let their own safety disappear when they are given opportunities to play. I'm certain all the older members of the hypnosis community had some brushes with dangerous individuals due to their own level of self-neglect.
But Nozomi does know what ethics are and she wants to protect her friend. She does a fantastic job of it.
She acts as a mediator and invites Kyou to her house the following day so that Sayori has a safe space to work out what the heck is going to happen next.
At Nozomi's house they gather together and Nozomi lets Kyou have it, she all but screams at him.
(Nozomi and I share a soapbox)
The rant Nozomi gives on ethics at this point is one of the highlights of the game for me and not just because of my connection to the reason she's yelling. She speaks passionately about how ethical hypnosis is performed, she uses the word "hypnotee" several times (proof that DeMille is read up as the fictional space and public consciousness tend to favor "subject") and notes how Satoshi, the senior from last year's show, had performed correctly.
Nozomi's anger at Kyou is something that reminds me of a number of my close friends in the best possible ways.
Sayori even notes that she is certain Kyou meant no harm and that she forgives him. Nozomi's reply is "Not until he gets on his hands and knees"
Better be careful, Sayori. Nozo is coming for your "best girl" crown.
Sayori is Sayori though and she is not going to submit herself to deprogramming hypnosis without understanding the situation in full and having control over how the matter is handled. This may not be the consent/rapport version of Sayori's story but she is still the same woman. Well, Sayori is anyway.
Sayori notes that the level of control that Kyou has demonstrated matches years of conditioning with a hypnotist and shouldn't be replicated with 2 sessions worth of trance.
AW and I met in 2003. I broke it off with him in 2010...
Sayori wants to understand the rules and pontificates that if they are as she thinks then if Sapphire came out she would not recall anything between the last time the trigger was used and the present moment. Sayori is also certain if she heard the trigger phrase she would be incapable of resisting it.
To prove this she asks Kyou to use it.
And it works. Sapphire returns, giggling at the magic trick of Kyou teleporting her from school to Nozomi's house. She's just delighted to be out of class. She is hypnotically compelled to hate studying after all...
Sapphire takes it all in stride and seems to have no qualms with Nozomi's presence, outright saying that she assumes Nozomi invited them over because of her "hypnosis-loving giddiness". Sapphire knocks Nozomi off her balance by outright identifying her fetish and laughing at how Kyou clearly picked up on it too.
All Kyou needed to do was say "Become Sayori" again and the scene would be over, hypothesis confirmed. Alas, what can go wrong must go wrong and Nozomi's mother enters the scene and Kyou prioritizes the comfort of Sayori waking up in an awkward position over her safety.
He convinces Nozomi to let the conversation play out and just trigger Sayori when the mother has gone. Right? Sorted.
A small chat turns into lunch.
Lunch stretches on and Sapphire starts talking it up. We learn a little more about Nozomi's board game hobby and the fact she has a secondary friend group she plays games with on some evenings.
Sayori's phone goes and Sapphire excuses herself to answer it... and then goes missing.
The next sequence is a lovely wild goose chase of Nozomi and Kyou unable to find Sapphire (her phone is turned off!) and worrying that Sayori's father referred to her as "Sayori" and Sapphire worked out she's the installed personality and ran off to prevent anything happening to her.
Remember how I said the timelines of the game are rigid. Saturday is a good day for this to happen. Sunday is Hiroko's tournament after all...
...and Saturday is cram school for Sayori...
Her dad was upset she wasn't there and Sapphire, hypnotically induced to hate studying, hung up on him and turned off her phone and ran off to have fun.
The goose chase has some wonderful characterization of Kyou and Nozomi bickering, a brief Hiroko cameo and some character history for Sayori.
They find Sapphire at the arcade. In every route, as noted by the ending of the Golden Ending, Sayori has fond memories of going to the arcade with her father prior to high school and she was actually remarkably good at video games and found them relaxing fun.
Sapphire is just built from that feeling after all.
I do not know how much research DeMille did in this route. Turq told me in reading blog entries (this specific route was written this year) that DeMille was not happy with how this route was written and I was surprised to hear that. As a person with DID and former victim of personality play abuse I felt the nuances were handled remarkably well.
One of the theories of DID (which is a dramatically contested topic in psychology. I should do a post on the 3 major theories that are kicked about someday) is based on Attachment Theory. In child's psychology they are developing aspects of identity, self and personality which are typically reinforced by their relationship to caregivers and the stability of their environment.
Attachment Theory posits that while the child is developing they come to have subconscious expectations of their environment based on how they are treated that cause a level of anxiety and avoidance with Secure Attachment being low anxiety/avoidance and Disorganized Attachment being high levels of anxiety/avoidance. Disorganized Attachment is more than just anxiety/avoidance, though. It comes from unstable environments where the child cannot reliably act in a certain way to get their needs met. Caregivers and authority figures do not respond well either via abuse or neglect (for instance an alcoholic mother may be violently and angry towards a child at night and then loving and apologetic in the morning) leaving the child feeling confused and afraid and unable to rely on stable protection and affection. Thus the personality and stable sense of self does not develop as the child is not modeled a correct way to behave, leaving them without a stable core.
Add in some cPTSD to the mix and you get some fun stuff happening in the brain.
Incidentally Disorganized Attachment is something that comes up in the development of BPD (which includes Identity Confusion as a diagnostic criteria) as well, which is why some psychologists believe that DID is just BPD with extra steps. As I said it's a contested field.
That all is to say that Sayori's relationship with her parents is strained. They are always working, something she and Kyou bond over, and she herself is busy to the point of breaking trying to live up to their expectations. Maybe I'm just headcanoning it but Sayori and her father clash a lot when Sapphire goes against his wishes.
So it is truly remarkable to me that Sapphire regressed to the point in her life when she used to visit the arcade and play games with her father. Sayori always refers to him as "father" and (in this route) Sapphire always refers to him as "daddy". I chose to put weight on that, even if it's not intended by the author.
Every one of her routes this love of video games exists but you'd never see it if she didn't have a reason to let it shine. It's not that she's ashamed of it. She just cannot be the person she was before and it's part of the reason she resents Kyou. Kyou can just take it easy and coast without even trying. She's sacrificing SO MUCH and cannot even feel confident about her ability to succeed.
Sapphire just takes the weight of that responsibility off of her.
Oh it's been a while since I used a photo. I got caught up talking about psychology stuff. I do that sometimes. Here. Have a Sayori kicking Kyou's butt at Street Fighter!
Sayori decides that this proves her theories about the penlight hypnosis without a shadow of a doubt and requests Kyou allow her to hypnotize him with it.
She does so at Nozomi's home and much like the Nozo-Reversal route we have a quick blank out from the induction to 20 minutes later. Nozomi and Sayori worked hard to be safe about their suggestion and we witness one of the most interesting scenes in the game from an ethics standpoint.
Kyou remains in trance and during this 20 minute window is forced to deprogram Sayori and remove Sapphire and sleep triggers from Sayori's mind.
We'll get more into the ethics of just erasing Sapphire in the final segment of this route...
Kyou argues that the penlight isn't a mind control device and Nozomi, clearly done with Kyou's denial and is about to get into an argument when Sayori steps in and notes how Kyou believes that the penlight is just a hypnosis tool and not a mind control device and if such were true then he would not obey any programming that he did not want to.
She orders him to break the penlight.
Kyou obeys.
But he fights the compulsion.
He fights it with all his might.
Seeing just how much he struggled in this scene reminds me of the ending of Nozo-Trance where Kyou commanded her to be his girlfriend. The penlight can overrule agency and in this moment Kyou cannot resist. He screams, begs the girls to stop, swears at them and cries out at the top of his lungs.
But he obeys.
Kyou is livid. Yelling at both girls that they had no right to subvert his will and destroy his hard work. He even threatens to build another one... and it is in this moment when...
Sayori hugs him and shares a moment of perspective. They had both been violated by the penlight and left to feel confused and afraid at the complete lack of control they each had in their own mind.
The ending to this route is actually rather positive. Sayori's father relents enough to let Sayori ease from her studies a little as it is clear that she had a burnout that erupted in her behavior during Sapphire's reign and that she was working better with full rest anyway.
Any Sayori route tends to include a note that moderation helps her more than obsessive study. Burnout will actually kill her but she needs to make the change from inside. She's a proud woman with a firm sense of control on her experience. She does not want to be told what to do, but she benefits a lack of pressure.
Kyou, Sayori, Hiroko and Nozomi start a D&D campaign together and Sayori finds an affinity for acting out characters in the setting.
Trust me, I can relate.
So this is what happens if Kyou wakes Sayori up on the school day after creating Sapphire.
...what happens if he didn't?
What happens if Kyou is arrogant enough to think Sayori is better as a carefree lady who hates to study?
What if Kyou decided he wanted to keep Sapphire?
"It's a prank" Route:
Every now and again I pull up my chatlogs with AW and one question plays in my head over and over again.
"How could I trust someone like this with my mind"
I pulled up chatlog and did a word search for "memory" to see if he ever did amnesia shenanigans with me. I found this exert:
AW: so she's pretty much wholly brainwashed at this point
AW: her memory, personality, beliefs etc… are all customizable
AW: she's got a second, deeper moral compass now. 'right' is what pleases master, and 'wrong' is what displeases master
As I read this all I could think was how did I let someone talk to me like that. How did any part of me accept that he could be allowed to mold us... it was such a violation.
If there is one thing I am grateful for it is that hypnosis in reality is not hypnosis in Penlight. The things AW commanded us to do were unconscionable. But we simply did not obey. But we did not run from him. It took him trying to make moves on people in our vanilla real life to make us break it.
If Kyou decides to trick Sapphire into thinking everyone is calling her Sayori as a prank, she instantly starts to threaten Sayori's entire career by complaining about study club and how much she hates school. Kyou doubles down.
Kyou doubles down in the worst way possible.
He hypnotizes Sapphire to always hear the name "Sayori" as Sapphire and to always unconsciously refer to herself in speech and writing as Sayori. By the absolute grace of DeMille Kyou remembers enough to make this suggestion in a way that saying "Become Sayori" will not be heard as "Become Sapphire". Though in my opinion the fact he even thought to close that loophole speaks to how unethical he is being right now. He knows what he is doing and is doing it anyway.
When Kyou is a little fuck he really makes me hate him...
During this hypnosis session Kyou starts thinking of Sayori as "Sapphire's other personality" before internally correcting himself to say "real personality".
That's one of the biggest themes of this route. "Real".
In the first two routes, Sapphire was a suggestion gone awry. Her autonomy (as well as a good use of "compartmentalized memories" in dialogue) is noted in the "Bring Sayori Back" (Day Lost) route but it is in this route that Sapphire and Sayori are treated as full dissociative identities.
Having just committed an atrocity on Sayori and helped smooth out any wrinkles in the personality he installed in Sayori's mind (that is commanded to have a crush on him), Kyou wakes her and she confesses her love. Kyou reciprocates.
Kyou's denial is legendary enough that if DeMille revealed he had a hypnotic compulsion to have the worst possible take in any scenario where the player isn't controlling the situation, I'd believe her.
Sapphire is all about the public displays of affection and starts being intimate and close to Kyou at school, pulling him to the rooftop club. There she mentions that she is dating Kyou and they are practicing hypnosis for the cultural festival.
Nozomi's hypnosis radar is pinged.
After Hiroko incredulously calls her bullshit, Sapphire doubles down and states that she is going to have a proper date with Kyou during the coming weekend. When reminded that mock exams are coming up and she should be studying, Sapphire happily says she will blow it off in order to spend time with her love <3
Nozomi's bullshit detector is pinged.
However, Nozomi is Nozomi. So she simply chimes in that as Class Rep it is her duty to help with the cultural festival and she must be involved in this hypnosis show. There is no options in this. They will attend Kyou's house tomorrow and there is no ifs or buts.
Sapphire also proves she cares about her friends and notes she is prioritizing Hiroko's tennis match for Sunday. Sayori is a good friend, even when her moral limitations and over-controlled behaviors are turned off.
Why, yes. I do know what I typed in the last review.
Have you considered Sayori is best girl, though?
Nozomi spends the day scripting out what will happen with the hypnosis session (no shenanigans, just scripting) and is enjoying herself but then Sapphire gets the phone call. Same time as it happened in the previous route. Sayori's father is livid that she is not at cram school. This time however we get to hear the argument and it is fairly pointed.
Sayori cannot avoid going in this route. It's interesting to note the differences between Sapphire without Kyou's reinforcing her presence in Sayori's mind and how she is here. The other Sapphire just hung up the phone. This one ended up going.
Nozomi excuses herself before noting "Sayori has never missed school. Not once. Not regular school of cram school."
She notes the discussion about second personalities and knows damned well what is going on here.
My beloved audience, behold! It is the thesis statement of this entire route. Also I will remind people of what Nozomi's first action is when she gets a hold of the penlight in Nozo-Reversal route.
There are so many times in this game where characters make overt ironic references to other routes. This is most certainly one of those moments.
After cram school Sapphire and Kyou meet up for their date and Sapphire talks about how she had intended on getting in a higher level high school but had not been able to be accepted elsewhere. She was happy to have Nozomi and Hiroko still in her life but it marks the moment that Sayori had become obsessed with study.
She visits the arcade and notes how she used to visit with her dad. Once again I note the fact that this Sapphire is less childish than the previous one. I feel the "Bring Sayori Back" Sayori was regressed to who she was before high school, referring to her father as "daddy" where here she calls him "dad" every time. Sayori always says "father".
Kyou's hypnosis has integrated Sapphire and Sayori and more importantly associated the memories, just not the behaviors. This Sapphire is an adult and she has full ownership over her actions during high school and has decided that she does not want to be that person anymore. She is happier like this.
Sapphire plays an arcade game and thanks Kyou for letting her "relive a happier time in her life" before dragging him down for dinner.
The two bond over their estrangement from their parents. Kyou is from a broken home with a father he barely sees and Sayori/Sapphire have a paramedic mother they barely see and a father who doesn't do anything to help anyone and Sayori/Sapphire disagrees with what he does and they argue about it.
She had wanted to become a doctor to make them proud even when they did not have economic advantage but Sapphire is not as sold on the idea. A doctor needs to keep up on study for their entire career. She has no interest in such a life.
Kyou starts to realize he is making a huge mistake and that programming Sayori to go against everything she stood for.
Finally realizing what Nozomi was trying to tell him before he realizes that he's done a horrible thing and tells her that they have to break up. He confesses everything. That he used hypnosis to change her personality, that he expected she would snap out of it, that he is going to throw her entire future down the drain and it's not right and they have to stop.
Then Sapphire pulls the rug out from under him.
We have just lost cabin pressure...
So you may have noticed that I was calling her by the alter's name this entire time.
The game text is still calling her Sayori and has been since we reprogrammed Sapphire to unconsciously hear the name Sayori as her own. Kyou has been calling her Sayori. The entire game up until now has been treating this character as if she is Sayori but with her personality adjusted.
This scene has the game switch the name card back to Sapphire.
She's known the whole time that she is the installed personality. She worked it out on the first day when people were calling her Sayori. The installed personality was supposed to be "carefree and fun-loving" and she sees those traits in herself. Therefore it stands to reason if she behaves in the way Kyou's hypnosis was supposed to make her act and people called her the wrong name then she is the one who Kyou created.
And she's okay with it.
Moreover she knows Kyou can just say "Become Sayori" and be done with it.
And she is NOT okay with that.
"What is this "real" business? I am as real as can be, Kyou. Do you mean to say I am not the original? That I am a creation that must be destroyed now that I have inconvenienced you?"
"Kyou, I am no parlour trick for you to put away once it has been used. I am real. I have lived a life."
"Do you... do you really think you have the right to take that away from me, Kyou?"
Sapphire explains she has existed as a feeling within Sayori for some time and that her experiences these past few days are her own and belong to no one but herself.
Flooding with tears she says that what Kyou calls "fixing" her is actually Killing her.
One thing I see argued back and forth in support groups is the concept of a core/original/real personality. Many therapists, especially those approaching from the perspective of the IFS model and expect there to be a "Genuine Self" waiting to emerge. I do not share this viewpoint and even if I did , how ethical would it be to assume the birth identity is the only valid one when we've been living as a woman for 3 years.
Even still... would "birth identity" and "the original" even be synonymous. I consider "birth identity" to be the boy from London, not the person in the stories we were told of our childhood.
I may not have full memory of my childhood but I am fully aware of the things the "little monster" did. I wasn't allowed to grow past it. Suspended from school 3 times, expelled once, hospitalized a kid by cracking his head on a concrete pillar, stole, broke into places, got brought home by the police a couple times. All before hitting 10 years old.
I do not know who that child my father would tell me stories about was. I don't identify with him. I do not feel him inside me. I am aware it was me who flooded the toilets, punched a teacher and broke into abandoned buildings.
I also remember the refrain in my head in those young years "don't be like them." I remember moments of oblivious bliss and moments of being consumed by an all powerful righteous fury in my heart. Simultaneously a happy child and an angry adult. Seeds that would grow into Cammie and Camden. Yet neither of those were my name... they wouldn't be for another 20 years.
When we transitioned. We didn't know we had DID. Camden had been running the system for a few years at that point and was finally able to express openly and outwardly... and so on days when we couldn't present femme our self-loathing and emotional volatility increased. We began to hate with a burning passion any expression of masculinity and our English heritage.
We began to hate our birth identity existing within us. We tried to erase him. End him.
It's actually a common practice for people going through gender transition. Here's a comic that makes the point more clearly than I ever could. See my tags for it? This comic convinced me exactly what the game is saying firmly. The Boy has a right to exist within our heart. We don't get to put him away just because he's not convenient to our gender expression anymore.
Kyou is told firmly that to erase Sapphire from Sayori would be murder and that Sapphire believes Kyou is a better man than that. She acknowledges this is a heavy topic and gives Kyou time to think. Our little idiot hypnotist is left completely out of his depth, forced to accept that he has given life to this alternate personality and such gifts cannot be revoked lightly.
What follows is a sequence at school where the rooftop gang gather and Hiroko stresses about her performance in the tennis tournament may impact her scholarship giving Sapphire the opportunity to show how carefree she is about scholarships. Nozomi confronts Sapphire with the knowledge that she is an installed persona and is horrified to find out that Sapphire not only knows this but does not care to be "fixed".
The conversation also bounces back and forth between using the names "Sayori" and "Sapphire" enough that Hiroko and Nozomi notice traces of Kyou's meddling. He confesses that he has programmed her to hear the name she is comfortable with whenever someone is clearly addressing her.
Nozomi is LIVID at hearing Kyou tried to mitigate harm by disguising it. She knows just how monstrous and unethical that is.
This is something that I fear isn't delved into enough within the ethical routes of the game. There are shadows of it here but I really feel like there needs to be a route that is specifically about owning mistakes.
As Turquoise pointed out in his NozoZombie review, a good hypnotist can still make no errors and still hurt a person. Kyou is entirely the type of person to utilize amnesia suggestions to bury mistakes and put things "right" but typically this only happens in the bad endings of routes.
I know too many people who played in the 2000s with dangerous hypnotists who crossed boundaries or made abreactions and tried to make the hypnotee forget rather than owning their mistake. I truly feel this is a topic that DeMille would knock out of the park if it were the sole focus for a storyline.
I also want to know that Sapphire's speech patterns at this point of the story are unique to her. Sayori has a grandiose way of speaking and the way that Sapphire talks is in character for Sayori but where Sayori's expanded vocabulary and wordy ways of speech is treated as her being a little loquacious, Sapphire embraces the concept of "eccentric", utilizing some phrases that she uses as a point of comfort such as "as you like".
Oh and as a British expat, I do love when I can feel DeMille's nationality bleed into this Japanese setting. It just makes me happy in the same way playing a 90s era RPG with American pop-culture references or seeing Brock eat a "jelly donut" would.
On the rooftop Nozomi caves in to despair, realizing that her friend is the one being killed. Sapphire insists that Sayori still exists within her mind but she has no reason to yield her existence to her. Nozomi's crying starts attracting attention and so Sapphire concedes that Sayori needs to be part of this conversation but it has to happen later in a safer place.
"Wait! Not here. And certainly not now [...] do you have any idea how Sayori will react were she to wake right now? In this place?"
Sapphire says that they need to perform the hypnosis in the privacy of the study club, where Kyou first hypnotized Sayori.
If you've not played this route yet, I want you to cast your mind back. Kyou did indeed hypnotize Sayori for the first time in the study club. This is a true statement.
But there's something odd about it, don't you think?
Kyou notices too but cannot quite identify what it is until Sapphire says that in order to make a safe landing spot for Sayori the conditions need to be perfectly replicated. Including Kyou and Sayori being alone in the room.
What is she scheming, I wonder?
After school Sapphire enacts her role as head of the study club and Kyou waits until afterwards to meet with her. Nozomi makes a final plea to bring Sayori back and tries to explain that Sapphire is not a real person and that the fact he can erase the hypnotic trigger is a proof of this fact. Kyou, who has spent time with Sapphire and recognizes her as a unique entity, disagrees.
Kyou's denial is legendary, though. Nozomi is making sense. She feels this "Sapphire" is simply Sayori following hypnotic programming, acting in the ways that Kyou told her to act and there is no separate individual. There is just programming that needs to be removed.
I like that this argument is left as a firm disagreement between Kyou and Nozomi. The ethics are dirty as can be in this situation. Kyou literally created a personality that is hypnotically compelled to love him. Earlier in the route Nozomi says that Sayori is "under duress" when Kyou says they are in love and that is right.
The situation has spun out of control and now the morality of it has become ungovernable. It is wrong for Kyou to permanently change Sayori into his girlfriend, it's the same situation as the endings where Kyou forces Nozomi to become his girlfriend. It is wrong to deprive Sayori of her autonomy, her life, her years of hard work.
Erasing Sapphire should be a cut and dry case.
But Sapphire is advocating for herself and does not consent to being erased. The whole situation boils down to whether or not you believe Sayori is following hypnotic conditioning or if Sayori and Sapphire are separate individuals with autonomy.
To add in further moral murkiness, Sapphire has come up with a scheme.
She will finish out her high school career pretending to be Sayori. Acting as a stuffy and studious woman, friend to Nozomi and Hiroko and stay away from her beloved Kyou. Earn their freedom by going through the motions and then after school is over she can return to Kyou and not have to worry about her parents or friends or society nagging about her behavior ever again.
Obviously that is an unacceptable circumstance.
Makes it easier to just ignore Sapphire's consent. She's not "real" after all...
But Sapphire is smart enough to know this may be the case and has selected the Study Club as the location of their hypnosis instead of Kyou's home.
That's the thing that was odd about the location. Kyou hypnotized Sayori in the study club for the sleep suggestion. Sapphire was created at Kyou's home.
She knows that if Kyou tries to bring Sayori back then he will be forced to manage the fact that she has lost 5 days of her life. Sapphire is so intent on living that she has put Kyou in a position where refusing her is disadvantageous. Sapphire is an evil mastermind when her back is to the wall.
In her mind to "include Sayori in this conversation" would be to destroy herself. Once she loses her ability to advocate for herself then Kyou would be the only one who could speak to Sapphire's autonomy and Sayori, Nozomi and Hiroko would never treat her as "real".
We know this. Nozomi said as much just before this meeting.
Sapphire admits, she has no right to demand this of Kyou (though she did think to put him in a position where refusing would end poorly) and that if he simply remembers her and keeps her in his memories then it could be enough.
You are then given the option to bring Sayori back or not.
Bring Sayori Back - Go Along with Sapphire's Plan
Should you go along with Sapphire's plan then she will have Kyou use a fake trigger to "bring back Sayori" and invite Nozomi to come into the room and begin acting out as if she were Sayori.
As soon as Nozomi comes in she keeps asking Sayori if she's okay. Telling Sayori that it's been 5 days. That Kyou hypnotized her.
Sapphire sells her role and is as livid and rigid as one would expect Sayori to be. Nozomi starts peppers every sentence with Sayori's name. Truly concerned about her friend.
Then Nozomi proves she is smarter than Kyou and knows her shit with hypnosis.
"Sayori" does not even react. She is hypnotically compelled to hear either name and internalize it as the name she should hear. Nozomi said Sayori every sentence in order to slip in a "Sapphire" and see how she reacts.
Sapphire fails to notice and Nozomi knows that the pair of them had lied to her...
In despair she once again cries for her friend to come back and Sapphire springs into action.
We get a timeskip to the final day of school. "Sayori" hangs out with her friends and Kyou remains a social parriah. Everything has gone "back to normal".
As they pile out of school Hiroko notes that Nozomi looks jumpy and just doesn't want to be there. Sapphire looks at Nozomi and assures her that she is amongst friends and she shouldn't be so tense. That if she had anything that was concerning her she could speak up and she would be happy to help her see things in a new light.
We flash back to the study club room.
Sapphire didn't use the penlight. She threatened to use the penlight.
She kept Nozomi in line via threats because she enjoyed watching the discomfort in her face whenever Nozomi was caught in the moral quandry of doing something or not fighting against this injustice. Sapphire gets off on having power over people and making them stew in discomfort.
Full credit to @spiralturquoise for pointing out that in the doll route there is a moment where Kyou has a thought box where he is convinced Sayori is enjoying his discomfort.
I am convinced that Sayori in every route enjoys watching people in moments of discomfort. It certainly explains her reactions to NozoZombie's stage show and why she makes the best audience member to be watching the events.
There are actually a number of little bits of foreshadowing in other routes. In one route Hiroko even jokes about how "we don't need two Sayori's around here". I look forward to replaying the game and catching the little asides.
DeMille has a very firm idea of who these characters are and is so gifted at maintaining their internal consistency. More impressive given how each character is dramatically altered when they interact with the penlight.
The bad ending concludes with Sapphire reuniting with Kyou andf starting their new life together with her performing a little bit of jabbing at him to see his own discomforted face contort as he struggles against the morality of his actions.
This ending has Kyou and Sapphire break off from the world and alienate themselves from family and friends to dive into a life consumed by one another. I find that this is one of the more intriguing fail conditions of the routes. Isolation is a big theme of all the bad endings. Whether Kyou ends up ostricized due to his misdeeds, sacrifices connections with the girls for what he feels is the safest option or is consumed by a hollow life where kink has consumed everything.
The doll bad ending is of a similar calibur where Sayori has no cares or interests outside of how wonderful hypnosis feels and so Kyou finds a full time job in maintaining a hypnojunkie and his life entirely becomes about catering to those needs.
Intimacy and connection is the good end. Isolation, even when alone together, is a bad end.
But that's a bad end. Let's bring Sayori back instead.
Kyou's lip trembles and he mumbles out his apologies. Sapphire just smiles back and closes her eyes in acceptance.
"You... You need to Become Sayori again."
Sayori wakes up and is stunned, scared and confused. Nozomi rushes in to hug her friend and they go to Kyou's home in order to sort things out. It was where the suggestion began and thus it seemed prudent to handle it there.
Nozomi and Kyou explain everything and Sayori listens and absorbs. She is numb by the end and tells them what it felt like for her. There are no memories at all of her time as Sapphire and she could not impact anything from within their mind, she was simply trapped in a void.
Kyou takes this as confirmation that Sapphire is a being unto herself.
Sayori agrees, noting that her hubris enabled this and that she should have been careful to entrust her mind to an idiot clod. She now has a dissociative identity to show for her arrogance. Sayori fully accepts that Sapphire is a separate entity born from her thoughts, emotions and memories and does have a right to exist.
Sayori is the best girl and I love her.
She gives Kyou two options. Erase all the programming and lock Sapphire away inside her mind forever, unable to come out and interact with the world. This option is as good as killing Sapphire but will allow Sayori full control over her life.
The other option is to integrate their consciousness to function together. Nozomi is horrified to consider this option, noting that it would be the end of Sayori's aspirations for med school.
She gives her signature Sayori smirk and boils it down to a simple statement.
"Ruin my life or destroy hers."
You bring Sayori under penlight hypnosis once again and are given the final option of the story.
Sapphire... I won't leave you behind - Sapphire... I have to let you go.
First off I note that Kyou frames this choice as being about Sapphire and not Sayori. I say that with no judgment or commentary. It's simply a fact of the route.
To erase Sapphire ends the game with an abrupt timeskip. The rooftop club want nothing to do with Kyou and he lives out the rest of his school career in solitude. Sayori manages to recover her lost week and feels confident about her chances for med school.
When Kyou speaks to her on her last day of school she is blunt and angry with him. She says every time she sees him she remembers how close she came to losing everything.
She says trusting him was her mistake and she takes ownership of it...
But Sapphire's life was placed in her hands and he sealed her away forever. Sayori wants Kyou to live with that. She wants him to miss her for the rest of his life.
She says goodbye and Kyou never sees them again.
I can think of few things in life more painful than being revoked access to speak to someone you love. To see them in front of you. To interact with them and to know that you are no longer on the "inside" of their trust. That you know the true names and shapes of the person... the people behind those eyes and know that you no longer have permission to see that. You are no longer allowed to hear their individual voice. It is a pain I would never wish on anyone.
And oh the level of self-loathing in internalizing that you have no right to be upset about it. That you are not owed access or trust. That you have to just live with the knowledge that they would take it all back if they could.
I know what it's like to miss someone for the rest of your life.
...so...
What if we integrate the pair into a single consciousness?
This time Kyou programs the two to have a line of internal communication and the ability to trade the body when they need to.
The timeskip happens again and Kyou has once again gone the final months of school alone. He is not soon to be forgiven for his actions. But as exams end the rooftop club have a date to go to karaoke to celebrate. Sayori is pessimistic about her propositions but did promise to celebrate. She also promised to talk to Kyou.
The rooftop club approach him and invite him to the celebration. As Sayori speaks with him, cold and upset, she is caught in moments of aside where she is caught in an internal argument.
The scene at the karaoke club is so beautiful and shows that not only has Sayori adapted to include her alter self into her life but Nozomi and Hiroko fully accept Sapphire as the 4th member of their group. Hiroko and Sapphire even seem to get along greatly.
Sapphire comes out to Kyou's comfort and delight and explains that Sayori pulled out of her emd school plans and they have to live a completely different life to accomodate their ideology clashes.
Kyou himself being one of them.
Sapphire and Sayori have internal conversations that Nozomi and Hiroko ask to be filled in on and for all it is worth this is handled just as it tends to be in my lived experience. DeMille did a good job of showing what "healthy multiplicity" looks like in a social dynamic and I cannot begin to thank her enough for that.
The whole "split personality" thing in fiction is always used as a source of drama. Internally as the turmoil between two (or more) individuals fighting over the solitary life. Externally as people not always knowing which alter they are speaking with.
I always appreciate when it's shown as just a part of who a person is. That people struggle to keep up with the shifts but are capable of following the changes and being aware that the person they are speaking to contains multitudes and the statement "they are the same person" and "they are different people" are both true at the same time.
In support groups I tend to see a common refrain that "DID is actually boring. It's just traumatized people trying to live their lives." and I agree with it. There's so much less mythology and intrigue in reality. This scene does a good job of showing the mundane reality of a person who has attained dynamic system communication and has people who they trust and share their truth with. The clumsiness and uncertainty of how any of it works and just trying to not stumble or apologize too much.
I often think I don't deserve the way people see me. See us. I've never been able to be what I am lucky enough to receive for others. In support groups and in life I have met other people who have these experiences and I fuck up. A lot. I try to not worry about it because I know I'd forgive the people around me if they messed up. But it takes earnest care and trust to be open with another person and for them to accept you and adapt their behavior to invite you in. It heals my heart to see Nozomi and Hiroko roll with it, even if they don't fully comprehend it.
During the karaoke party Kyou asks Sapphire where they stand, if they have a future or if tonight is a goodbye.
Sapphire takes him outside and admits that she still loves him and as Kyou reaches out to make a connection Sayori steps in and scolds her alter for breaking their agreement.
The pair get into an outloud argument over the situation and the impact Kyou's hypnosis has had on their shared life.
Sayori had to talk to her parents and tell them that her stress had caused a breakdown and she needs to adjust her life goals in order to accomodate her abilities. Sapphire jabs that Sayori would have had a miserable life treading water if intervention had not happened. Sayori notes that being forced to surrender her dreams is not a favor.
The sequence ends with Sapphire saying that she forced Sayori to give up her dreams. Giving up her love of Kyou is a suitable price.
Kyou will always be the one who ruined Sayori's life and saved Sapphire's. Sayori cannot bring herself to hate him but she cannot allow him to be in her life.
In a bittersweet ending, Kyou allows Sayori/Sapphire to return to the karaoke bar and he walks home.
The end.
The route is interesting in that there is real basis for it and yet the dynamics of the route lean more heavily into hyperbole than most need to. Adjusting a person's identity and risking them gaining a dissociative disorder is a very real issue within the hypnosis community.
I recently made a post about the topic which was inspired by my playing this route. I have no desire to out any of the people I have spoken to in the weeks since I posted it but a number of people have approached me to thank me for the post and share their experiences which mirror much of what AW did to me.
Then there's those Disney Deer files that are so imfamous at altering people's personalities and compartmentalizing their thought process that there are major online publications doing exposes on the topic.
DeMille handles the situation both in the present of noting what happens when a person's behavior is shifted by hypnotic conditioning and just how dangerous it is to give birth to alter egos via hypnosis. I feel there is full respect in her depictions and spare for Kyou's behavior being on a spectrum of irredeemable and fucking stupid; the characters treat the scenario with the gravity it deserves. I never felt like anyone betrayed their character's core while arguing on the agency and legitimacy of the alter personality.
I don't know if this is going to be the best storyline for anyone or be relatable to anyone outside of a very narrow window of individual... but as a member of that pinpoint Venn diagram... I appreciate that this story exists.
I think DeMille knocked it out of the park and I cannot wait to see what happens in the grayed out paths when they are written. Even if it hurts to read.
Next time we'll visit Hiroko. Though Turq has already handled the Tickling route if you want to read that now.
Going to take some time to focus on Not Penlight for now though. This took an age to write and edit.
#dawn posting#penlight#hypnosis#hypnokink#DID#watch me post my trauma in public#t4e#sayori is best girl#media myself and i#media essays
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Rules: List 10 of your comfort shows, then tag 10 people
I was tagged by @sorry-bonebag and @bengiyo (thank you both!). It's funny to see so many folks talk about not having 10, when I had trouble narrowing it down 🤣 So, here are shows I've reached for for comfort recently, in no particular order:
Until We Meet Again. Listen, I get that it's depressing, but it also ends and mends the intergenerational trauma set up in the first 15 minutes, and in the Dean/Pharm storyline the show queues up typical drama problems just for everything to be fine, it is SO comforting. And if I need to cry, ep1 part 1 will get me there, guaranteed.
Azumanga Daioh. This show...is so weird lol. It's a 20-year-old anime at an all-girls high school. There is a 10-year-old prodigy, a weirdo transfer student, a butch beauty, a simp, a loud class clown...it's not exactly GL because the girl who has a massive crush on her classmate never does anything about it and that's not really the plot. There is no actual plot, it's extremely slice-of-life except when it ventures into absurdity. It's extremely quiet and chill for this reason. The stakes are so low!
Star Trek: The Original Series. Like Ben, I am a Star Trek fan forever. TOS is my favourite and I've rewatched... a lot. Rather than the stakes being low, they're high but everyone is exceptionally competent and can solve impossible situations. And I really, deeply love the problem-of-the-week style storytelling and found family vibes.
What Did You Eat Yesterday? Everyone already knows this one, it's so good. Their relationship is so wonderful and the food is delicious and inspiring. In this show, things aren't perfect and that's ok, and I get deep comfort out of that.
HIStory 2: Crossing the Line. I love a sports anime, and this hits the key notes: you have to have love for the game and play with integrity and with your team in mind, and never give up on your dream. And this installation was pretty short, so easy to binge.
Our Dating Sim. This is recent but I've already decided to go back and rewatch this rather than start something new at least twice, so I'm counting it. Something about how these two settle into the friends to lovers dynamic is just delightful their familiarity and ease transfers to me through the screen.
Ingredients the series. Everyone calls this our pandemic comfort commercial for a reason. I have rewatched it a LOT. It is incredibly domestic and very chill, and once again full of good food. It helps that the episodes are so short so again, it's an easy binge.
Avatar: The Last Airbender (series). Another one that lands on multiple people's lists. This show is incredible and has such good character arcs. I will never get over how perfect the change in Zuko was handled. This one is partially comforting because of how long it's been in my life and how many times I've watched it, but also the found family vibes and the problem of the week format once again is very comforting to me.
Love Sick. I know. But it is the first BL I saw, and it stuck with me. I usually skip around the BL cut when I go back to this (which I still do). Pun and Noh spend a lot of time together in silence or with the OSTs playing, and do a lot of talking in body language and eye contact. Even though they're young and awkward and things are unresolved for so long, when they're together just the two of them this show (and their relationship) is easy and comforting.
60s Batman. There are several sitcoms that I would watch an episode or two if it's on (Frasier, the Nanny, Third Rock from the Sun, Golden Girls, Schitt's Creek), but the Adam West Batman is just... incredible. It is so silly. It is so earnest. It was ahead of its time. And once again, that problem of the week storytelling with incredibly competent characters is deeply comforting to me.
[Also shout-out to sorry-bonebag's Taskmaster mention because i have definitely rewatched it a bunch too!]
Tagging @italianpersonwithashippersheart @callipigio @my-rose-tinted-glasses @chickenstrangers @justafriend-ql @belladonna-and-the-sweetpeas @visualtaehyun @solitarywandering @thewayofsubtext @respectthepetty no pressure as always!
#tag game#thanks for the tag!#until we meet again#uwma#azumanga daioh#star trek#st: tos#what did you eat yesterday?#kinou nani tabeta#history 2: crossing the line#our dating sim#ingredients the series#ingredients#avatar: the last airbender#love sick the series#love sick#batman#batman 66
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Can you give some general headcanons for how Tomura and Dabi would be as boyfriends?
Sure!
Shigaraki
Contrary to what a lot of people seem to think, I believe Shigaraki would actually be a very good boyfriend. One good indicator of how someone will treat a lover is how they treat other people they care about, such as their family or friends. And after Shigaraki matures, he treats the other members of the League very well. He values them, values their dreams and goals, and gives them the freedom to do whatever they want, even though it would make total sense for him to boss them around. I don’t see any reason he wouldn’t apply those same behaviors in a romantic relationship.
Also remember how Mr. Compress made an offhand comment about wanting to eat sushi, and then months later, when the opportunity presented itself, Shigaraki got sushi for the League? That shows he listens to the people he cares about and actually remembers things they talk about wanting. So if you were his lover and you mentioned some item you’d been wanting, even if he didn’t have the means to buy it for you right then, he’d definitely remember it and go back to get it for you when he could.
Shigaraki would be affectionate (especially after gaining full control of his quirk) and would have no shame at all when it comes to public displays of affection. He’s not the type of guy to worry about social norms.
He would probably want to date someone who likes video games. We know we enjoys talking about them and gets along better with people who play them (like Spinner, the only character I remember seeing him just casually talking to about anything unrelated to the League or villain activities).
The worst part about dating Shigaraki would be that he would want to have most dates at home and it would be hard to drag him out for an actual date at the movies or a restaurant. You’d have to either enjoy at-home dates or come up with a way to convince him to get out more. He’s a bit socially awkward so he’s probably going to occasionally do or say things that are slightly embarrassing. But he means well.
As for sex, I think Shigaraki is 100% a clueless virgin and would require a bit of coaching from you. But once he gets the hang of it, he would be a great lover. For one, he’s not the selfish, greedy type at all, so he would definitely want to give you as much pleasure as possible. In fact, he might just enjoy watching you get off as much as he enjoys getting off himself. I think he would be surprisingly tender and sweet in those intimate moments.
As for kinks, I doubt he has many. Even though he probably watched a lot of questionable hentai, he’s pretty happy with just normal sex. But if you wanted to try something different or something kinky, I think he’d be very into trying whatever you like. He’d be open to anything, so long as it’s something you want. He would probably really enjoy role playing or involving costumes (especially if it’s costumes of his favorite game characters).
Overall, an A+ boyfriend.
Dabi
As much as I love Dabi, I think he’d be kind of a lousy boyfriend. At least in the early stages of the relationship. He’s very self-centered and self-involved. He wouldn’t even be interested in trying a relationship until after he’s had extensive therapy. But! I don’t think he would be abusive. Just… selfish and emotionally distant. At first. After he falls in love, like truly in love, I think he would open up to you and start to see you as even more important than himself.
Dabi would need a lot of reassurance. You’d very often have to reassure him that you love him, that he’s irreplaceable to you, that you’re there for him. Also prepare to have him trauma dump on you often. But if you love him, you’ll be happy that he feels comfortable talking to you about his problems. He’d also have a keen eye for when you’re feeling down about something. He’d definitely be able to tell if you’ve had trauma in your life, and he would genuinely want to help you feel better.
Dates would be pretty fun. He’s got an energetic, almost manic side to him so expect some wild dates like dancing or going to amusement parks or haunted houses. But he also has a lazy side, so expect a lot of boring nights hanging around the house too.
Dabi wouldn’t be very affectionate in front of others, if at all. The most you’re probably going to get out of him is hand holding. But in private? He would be clingy. He’d also be very casual about touching you. He’d just sit down beside you and lean his head over on your shoulder or just absently stroke your hair while the two of you are watching a movie.
Would definitely be the type to get jealous easily. Though I don’t think he would go full on obsessive yandere, I think he would get very annoyed if you gave other guys a lot of attention. He’d probably just sulk and be slightly rude and snappy until you assured him that he’s the only one you love.
As for sex, he’d be a selfish lover at first. He’d totally be the type to want a quickie in the restroom of the movie theater and he’d feel like it was a successful quickie if he got off, even if you didn’t. But if you got really close, got into a serious relationship and he was in love, he would get much better in this regard. He would want to make you feel good, make you want him to touch you. And I’ve said this before but once he realizes how much you want him, he would be a major tease. He’d love making you ask for it. And if he knew of something he did that turned you on (a certain look he gives or a certain way he sits or moves), he would do it all the time.
As for kinks, he probably has several. I feel like he would definitely be into pain-related kinks, both giving and receiving. Look at all those staples and piercings. Yep, he’s into pain. He’d probably get really turned on by piercings (and he would absolutely go crazy for you if you let him pierce you). But I also feel like he wouldn’t be insistent on these kinks. If you’re not into them, he doesn’t want to pressure you into it. He’d be satisfied with some lighter forms of it, like very soft spanking or lightly biting you. He also might have a tendency to be rough unless you tell him outright that he hurt you and you didn’t like it. Then he’d feel bad about it and be more gentle from then on. He only wants the fun kind of hurt that you both enjoy.
He’d start out as a C- boyfriend but would end up a solid A if you got into a long-term relationship and serious feelings developed.
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Consider this your opportunity to be an Astrology Bitch and go off about Leo Stede!
(signed, a Virgo sun, Cancer moon, Capricorn rising who simultaneously is and is not an Astrology Bitch, more of a Tarot Bitch tbh)
Okay! You asked for it lol.
I should start by saying that I'm an August Leo sun. Stede is a July Leo, as confirmed by the show:
July Leos are...different somehow? It's not a bad thing and it's not their fault, and if anybody else comes for them we August Leo's will throw down for our siblings, but there's something about the vibes! Maybe it's the Cancer proximity, idk. If anything my anecdata suggests that they're more well adjusted than the rest of us. 🦁❤️🦁
Anyway, I immediately sat up and noticed when they cut to the gravestones because it's second nature for me as an Astrology Gay. Obviously I didn't know Stede at the time and I don't actually know what went down as the character was developed, but I wouldn't be at all surprised if I learned that at least one person in the writers room was a fellow Astrology Gay.
So I completely forgot about his birthdate because a) ADHD and b) swooniest romance I'd ever seen, but I started thinking about it again when I showed up like a year late to the fandom and saw people talk about whether they were Ed coded or Stede coded. I am heavily, heavily Stede coded for neurodivergent reasons, but he also exhibits certain Very Leo traits that I recognized immediately.
Leo stereotypes:
Let's get the stereotypes out of the way because while they do apply sometimes (especially for Stede), there's no need to rehash them in detail.
Leadership, which he struggles with at first but a) takes up the mantle of it anyway and b) improves enough that by the end of the season the crew that wanted to mutiny saves his life.
Good hair. Nuff said.
The man has an auxiliary wardrobe for fucks sake.
His "theatrical instincts are finely honed" and while Izzy says it to encourage the fuckery, it's not a lie.
The Revenge
If an 18th century Leo was going to custom build a pirate ship and money was no object, they would 1000% build the Revenge. I could see arguing that a Taurus might build something similar, but honestly I'm not sure a Taurus would become a pirate by choice. Maybe a Taurus might build like, a pleasure yacht or something. A Libra might build a ship that's as good-looking as the Revenge but sharing expensive tastes isn't enough to convince me either. Stede's money allowed him to build and decorate luxuriously, but plenty of rich people used to comfort didn't have ships like the Revenge. As Nigel says during his tour, it's just so incredibly him.
Now for some feelings stuff:
Leos love it when other people are happy, and when we can be involved in fostering that at all for people we care about we are ON IT. Stede wants to create space for others to get what they need to make that happen. Literally in the first episode he talks about the Revenge as somewhere for his crew to work on their trauma and communicate their feelings.
The above is also an extension of Stede's instinctive generosity. Canon doesn't tell us where Ed got his clothes for the French boat party in episode 5, but given that Stede has an auxiliary wardrobe (which he shared with Ed almost immediately) the most likely scenario seems like he loaned (or maybe even gave!) it to Ed. Another possibility is that it was on the ship where Frenchie found his and Oluwande's outfits, but the purple jacket in particular seems very extra in a way that says "Stede" to me.
Speaking of episode 5, let's talk about the party game. Obviously the main takeaway is that Stede has enough of a handle on passive aggression to make the French assholes tear each other apart, but it's not just the passive aggression, it's in the delivery. With sufficient motivation (Ed's hurt feelings, if not his own) we see Stede command the room with confidence. He chooses his targets well. He knows just what to say to get them to agree to play the game at all. The fire wasn't part of the original plan but it shows just how powerful those hard-won skills are when he wants to apply them. (This doesn't feel like it merits its own bullet point but Leos are protective, ride-or-die friends, something else we see in this episode.)
Stede's love language, imo, is quality time. There are arguments for others (there's also a really good meta about his love language causing miscommunication with our touchy-feely boy Ed, if I can find the link I'll edit) but quality time seems the most appropriate to me. Another part of the whole generosity of spirit thing is that he seems to enjoy what a friend of mine called "engineering experiences" for people i.e. crafting activities and jam sessions for the crew. The most obvious of these is the treasure hunt for Ed, which of course comes out of his fear of Ed leaving, but it's also a way for them to spend time together. I'm not at all surprised that a lonely, bullied kid would grow up to value quality time.
I would also extend this to the clearly routine (but still extravagant) breakfast for two that we see Calico Jack crashing in episode 8. Not to mention the first breakfast he and Ed ever share up on the maintop in episode 4. It's not fancy, but he wakes Ed up to share in that moment because he's enjoying the sunrise and the marmalade, and I can't think of anything more Leo than enjoying something then immediately wanting to share it because someone else might enjoy it too.
Stede's not perfect of course, despite all those seemingly positive things I just said. In the way of some Leos he is frequently thoughtless, up to and including when he didn't make to the dock. I can't speak for every Leo but I have definitely accidentally flirted with/been read as flirting with people before, whether I was attracted to them or not. And yeah his quarters are nice but he could have used some of that space for more crew quarters, right? And how could a Leo possibly misread "what makes Ed happy is you" as badly as he did?
Well I may be an Astrology Binch but I mostly like it (and anything else that puts personalities into discrete groups) as an analysis tool. It's just a fun lens to examine behaviors through, IRL and with fictional characters. Also, the show is clearly trying to examine things like trauma and self-loathing in ways that are gonna inform character behavior way more than a hypothetical astrology enthusiast in the (admittedly pretty queer) writers room. But the vibes? The vibes are so there.
#There's also an entire essay I could write about Leo traits people don't notice or care about but I can do that later#Rhys isn't a Leo though Taika is#Rhys is an Aries and Aries/Leo friendships and relationships can work out extremely well#I appreciate Taika for his Leo vibes#which are not the expected ones#I love seeing a Leo who seems occasionally bored during interviews and stuff#more grumpy Leo representation please#stede bonnet#because this next one came up in the results for Stede's name I'll add it too#stede bonnet has a caretaking kink#which isn't not a Leo thing either lol#ofmd#our flag means death#ofmd meta#our flag means death meta#character meta#astrology is fake but#fictional character astrology#oh also let's not forget all that sunny Leo energy that's part of so much Stede fanon#that feels relevant#afaik we don't have a birthdate for Ed#but it wouldn't surprise me at all to learn he was a Scorpio because the man can BROOD#I can also see him as a couple other signs though so I would need to think about it for a bit longer first#also I couldn't shoehorn it in but something about the difference between confidence and self esteem#Leos can definitely have one but not the other#*points to self*
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What makes Futaba Sakura from Persona 5 the autistic girlie ever of all time? Here's what the people have to say:
Futaba-related asks/reblogs: x
This post will be updated after each round!
Image ID in alt text and under the readmore.
[Image ID. White slide with a screenshot of Futaba in the bottom left corner. She is surrounded by text boxes which read,
"She’s a hikkikomori and a hacker genius. She initially has bad social anxiety due to trauma and does not leave her room."
"She's just like me fr fr (im autistic girlie)"
"Generally described as being incredibly introverted and socially anxious, however having no problem opening up if the conversation is about something that interests her. She also has a deep interest in hacking and computers (if the protagonist claims to have built his own PC, she asks for the specific details on it, such as GPU, CPU, RAM, ect.) There are more details I feel are autistic but I'm not sure how to word them !!"
"Talks in Video Game references and wired expressions. At one point she leaves a conversation because an Anime she wanted to watch was on. Helped me come to terms with my own Autism. Covered her face with a weird mask and a towel (separate events) because she didn't want to show her face in Public. Gets pissed off that someone messes with the her Neo Featherman Figure (basically the Persona equivalent of Power Rangers or Super Sentai). Overall just a massive nerd."
"First of all: The way she sits . little gremlin girl. Second of all. Social awkwardness (she has SO MUCH). Third. She's 15 years old and an international hacker, i mean come on, you cant DO THAt unless youre at least a little autistic. 4. Constantly tries to wear things over her head to avoid being looked at. Five. Her room is the dirtiest place on the planet, filled with snacks and figurines etc. Sixth. Look come on please shes autistic"
"She has social anxiety, doesn't really understand social norms and relates a lot of her real life experiences to video games. She also hyperfixates on the things she's working on and says a lot of strange things without thinking about it."
"Futaba is intensely afraid of social interaction (living in her room for years, unable to exit the house without a meltdown), including her almost constantly wearing headphones (which, to be, read as sensory comfort items). She's only really comfortable around her close friends and family, around who she becomes a lot more excitable and energetic. She has deep and passionate interests in the things she loves, and tends to become hyper focused on whatever shes tasked herself with, even neglecting her own health during which. It's very easy to equate her love of video games to a special interest, as it influences the way she sees the world, to the point where she calls the main character her "key item", since he helps her agoraphobia, saying she needs to "level up" to improve her social skills. To top it all off, her voice actress, Erica Lindbeck, has stated that she played Futaba as if she was autistic."
"Girl had so much autism stored in her body."
"It is very obvious in nearly everything she does that they intended for her to be autistic. Literally just watch almost any cutscene with her and you'll see it (well. Ideally after her palace is taken care of since she's going through stuff and the 'tism is less obvious as a result)"
"she is soooo autism girlswag coded. When you first befriend her and hang out, the characters all have trouble sort of connecting with her, but once they realize they are being way too obnoxiously formal/normal they start asking her about stuff she is interested in, which then she talks very excitedly about. Im sort of passively watching someone play persona 5 so i might have gotten something wrong but eee she is so coded to me <3 and not in a bad way imo ik sometimes things can be TOO stereotypical but yknow yknow"
"Struggles with social interactions, special interest in computers and video games, her English voice actor intentionally played her with the idea that she's autistic."
"She's obsessed with and so good with computers she was a world reknowned hacker before the story even began, she struggles with interacting with people and was bullied through out her entire childhood for being "weird" and being able to memorize books and other things. Her outfits almost always include her wearing headphones (which i personally hc to be to reduce sounds) and there are scenes where she experiences sensory overload that turns into panic attacks. A lot of her character arc is about how after a personal tragedy she completely isolated herself from the outside world and now shes trying to ease back into interacting with people with the support of her family and new friends. When trying to connect with her, the quickest way they got her to relax and open up was when one character got her talking about an in universe sentai show she loves. Also her English voice actor said in interviews that she performed Futaba with her being autistic in mind because everything abt her character just reads as autistic and seeing someone struggle w the same issues I did was super important to me when i got into p5."
"Futaba is incredibly autistic-coded. She couldn’t leave her room or speak to strangers due to trauma, but she also was “quirky” before the trauma. She’s a computer genius and can get so obsessed with her work that she doesn’t hear or acknowledge other people. She wears headphones almost all the time and sits with her knees up (odd posture). Lastly, her mother was known to also be “odd” and was also very absorbed in her work. Autism is often inherited, so my personal read is that both of them are autistic. I’m missing lots of things I’m sure but she’s the best."
"All of her interests are special <3, major social anxiety, partially nonverbal (just like me fr), one of the only people she's constantly jokingly mean to is also very autistic coded which idk if that's a me experience but i can only be joke mean to other autistic people. allistics wouldn't understand. She cannot sit properly!!! Very important she has that autistic ball sitting position"
"She’s a genius hacker nerd who up until certain events in the game never left her room or her house due to trauma. She’s gets nervous and overwhelmed very easily once she starts expanding her comfort zone, but she doesn’t let that stop her. At certain points when she has to interact with people she isn’t comfortable with she puts on a disturbing doll head mask. At one point she has a miniature meltdown in the middle of a crowded store, because she tried pushing her boundaries a little too fast and got overwhelmed until the protagonist was able to find her. She loves anime and collects figurines and gets annoyed when her display of them is messed with. Her personality is socially awkward and kind of bratty when she’s comfortable and I don’t mean that in a negative way at all, she’s great!"
"very bad with people, obsessed with programing and Nerd Shit, i love her and she is very cool"
"she has a massive special interest in technology, her entire character arc is helping her learn to socialize, she sits like a GREMLIN"
"she is a epic hacker gamer girl so we are within the margins for trans and autism, she has a hard time with eye contact, she has intense social anxiety and wahooooooo she has the special interests !! on a side note she has chronic fatigue so damn just like me fr!! and shes so fun!! ack!!!" End ID.]
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Meguru Bachira (Blue Lock) - Accepting the Monster
"Tell me, monster. What should I do? What will it take for those two to acknowledge me?"
If there's one hidden truth that's apparent once it's open, it's that we all have dark sides. With happiness comes sadness, with joy comes anger. We can't have yin without yang. However, there's so many of us who can't accept that we sometimes have inner monsters. We carry trauma that builds up over time stemming from childhood experiences and begins to take a life of its own when unchecked.
I'm going to talk about a very notable character whose claim to living is their inner monster and that's Meguru Bachira from Muneyuki Kaneshiro and Yusuke Nomura's compelling hit soccer anime/manga series, Blue Lock.
To describe Blue Lock in a nutshell, it's about young Japanese soccer strikers (players whose specialty is goal-scoring) being chosen to compete in a very rigorous training program called Blue Lock for a chance to become a striker strong enough to help Japan take on and surpass the world's best soccer teams. Bachira is introduced during a initiation game of tag, where whoever has the soccer ball last in their possession once a specific amount of time expires is removed from the Blue Lock program. Bachira "tags" the series' main hero, Yoichi Isagi, who had a chance to "tag" a fallen player and drive them out. Instead, Isagi tags a more competent player after Bachira encourages him to "tag" a stronger player. Bachira and Isagi would then form a friendship after that moment, where the former explains to the latter that he has a monster instead of him and is looking for fellow monsters and potential ones in the making, one of which is Isagi. The two would form a team and they looked inseparable.
Instead, Bachira was taken from Isagi after a game in the Second Selection phase of the Blue Lock program due to a rule stating that winning teams in that round can take any one of the losing team's players. Isagi becomes determined to take Bachira back from the team that took him and also prove himself to that team's captain, Rin Itoshi. When the time came for Isagi and Bachira to "reunite" in a rematch between the two teams, we finally learn about Bachira's past.
Bachira grew up really loving soccer more than anything else. He loved it so much that it irked his fellow peers. Bachira became bullied for being a bit too weird about soccer. Bachira's mother tried to comfort saying that Bachira is following the "monster" inside his heart. That "monster" was imploring him to keep playing soccer since Bachira's mother had a creative "monster" that drove her work. However, Bachira's "monster" starts to become problematic as coaches and other players noted how invisible they feel when they play with Bachira. Bachira notices that the people around him don't have monsters, but he still does and takes pride in it. However, the monster inside him starts to grow into extreme loneliness.
The first time I saw Bachira's past and the monster, it made me think about one thing - the Hearing Voices network. It's a mental health support network for people who hear voices in their head, see visions that are out of the norm, and/or have unusual experiences that can get extreme. Individuals facing their conditions are often treated with a lot of disdain and a lack of understanding. They have to deny and suppress their thoughts out of fear of being deemed crazy.
Bachira says that no one understands how he feels and what he sees. He was having a mental health crisis that went beyond depression and anxiety. Something that couldn't be easily fixed. It wasn't until he met Isagi that his perspective started to change. Isagi was Bachira's first real friend.
People talk about how some major mental health problems are caused by brain chemistry and bad genetics. But you know, sometimes, they are caused by a lack of attention when growing up as a child. What if relationships that were supposed to aid in your social development suddenly disappeared when you start to feel differently about things within good reason? What if the one thing you love was suddenly occupied by people who didn't want to be around you anymore?
Why wouldn't a "monster" start to appear in the face of terrible social context?
Bachira's monster was a response to his trauma and it becomes more apparent once the final Second Selection game was played. Bachira notices that Isagi and Rin are starting to eclipse him. He becomes hesitant over how to play during the match. Isagi and Rin's monsters were on a very different level because they were about surpassing their own limits first and foremost. Bachira also comes to a realization that because of Blue Lock, he doesn't need the monster anymore and not rely on other "monster" players (like Isagi) to justify himself playing soccer.
Bachira's words about not needing the monster anymore makes me think about how certain labels can be useful at first, but end up being harmful once they fulfilled their purpose. I don't know about any of you, but I felt this way when I was struggling with my "clinical depression" label. I carried it to a huge deal, but over the past few years and meeting new people that changed my outlook, I've been trying to shed that label slowly. I want to believe that I can still do great things and meet loving people even if my condition says otherwise.
I think about the people who receive mental health diagnoses and have been told that they're doomed. Next thing you know, their lives spiral out of control. What's worse is that the people who are supposed to help actually end up doing more harm than good. They get told that there's some things that are considered stable parts of life (i.e. hold a full-time job, have a romantic relationship, etc.) they can't do anymore. I think about the discrimination they face when it comes to not being "normal."
While some things are definitely affected for the worst, I do believe that people with mental health problems are more capable than they think. We can make good lives for ourselves with the support of others who believe the same. We can definitely take on the most basic things alone, but we definitely need people to treat us with compassionate understanding. Blue Lock may not be a mental health clubhouse, but I love how its unique combination of egoism and communal setting changed Bachira. I know there's definitely people like Bachira out there who want something that drives them to better themselves while bettering others.
And about the monsters inside of us, I think it's harmful to shame them. You better damn-well acknowledge them like Bachira did. They were doing the best they could to protect you. Though I think about something Bachira's mother said to Bachira when he was sad - believe in the monster in your heart. Sometimes, the monster in your mind is a lot worse than the monster in your heart. It can rationalize every thing that happens to you in a very binary fashion. The monster in your heart is your true/base desire and I believe Bachira finally awakens to that as he just wants to play soccer with joy no matter what anyone else says.
That's the kind of monster I want more people to embrace.
#Meguru Bachira#Blue Lock#childhood trauma#mental health#monster#dark side#manga#anime#Muneyuki Kaneshiro#Yoichi Isagi#Yusuke Nomura#sports manga
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💕 self-love time! talk about which ones of YOUR creations (edits, artworks, fanfics) you like the most then send to other creators to do the same 💕
thank you so much!❤️ sorry this took me so long to answer 😅
i'll start with jori since she's the first one i created! i know it may not seem like it lately but she's the main baby of the other 2 main babies i have! ive projected so much of myself and interests onto her that i became attached quickly lmao! she's also the one who i insert into every piece of media that im consuming and like enough. like, if im playing dead space i totally imagine her in the place of isaac. or if im playing a backrooms game she's the one running around and trying to escape from the monsters lmfao!
her story has taken different shapes and changes since i actually brought her over from red dead online. her twin brother, mika, doesnt exist in red dead online and was solely create for cyberpunk purposes.
i love the pic on the left because i just think she looks really badass lmao! and i like the one on the right because im not usually patient enough to set up sets and backgrounds but this time i stuck it out and i loved it! it's simple compared to what others can do but im still proud of it!
next is the love of her life, driss! back when i first started getting into modding my game i actually shipped her with river. i was trying to get a cute shot of her and river looking out at the sunset over the ocean, but sine i was so new to modding i didnt know bigger characters like river had a different locomotion type so i couldnt get any poses to work. as a test i replaced an NPC couple with jori and driss and that was when i fell into a hole lmfao! i thought they looked so much better together so i kept them going!
their ship name is Broken and Beautiful because both of them have past traumas that still effect them but they found comfort and understanding in each other.
i love how soft both of these pics are! especially the fire behind them in the one on the right!
lottie is my second of the main 3! she also started out as a red dead online OC! i usually try to make her come off as a flowery, cottage core, disney princess aesthetic type. she's the softest and shyest of my OCs but she can be fierce too! she smiles at strangers in the street and will lend a hand if they look like they need it but she does it with caution because... its night city lmao!
i chose these pictures in particular because i just thought they were the coolest ones. i do have some pics that showcase her as soft and flowery but i just couldnt resist showing these ones instead! the one on the left was made to be a tarot card called The World. the pic on the right was me trying out a greaser AU on her! i really love how they both came out!
the last of the main 3 is phoenix! i made her fully expecting to just leave her to collect dust, just like certain other OCs, (and i feel so bad for them 😔) but i became attached to her very quickly too. i based a chunk of her personality off of vash the stampede from the 1998 anime trigun. after a short while of that i actually ended up shipping her with him lmfao! currently she doesnt have a backstory because nothing has really inspired me yet but at least i know some things about her current life!
i think these pics are perfect for show casing her as she currently is. she lives in clutter but not, like, dirty clutter if that makes sense? she just likes having stuff and buying things that interest her. i mean doesnt everyone? haha! she doesnt really save her money for anything other than rent and bills, everything else is purely impulse.
her favorite treat is donuts and when she's willing to share one with you thats how you know she likes you! her favorite thing is to make people smile!
onto stuff that i made for other people!
i really loves these pics that i took of mishka and claire for @thelonestrider! mishka looks SO GOOD in purple! and claire is chef's kiss! i had a lot of fun taking pics of her! i got such freeing vibes from her so i had to have her enjoying the sun's rays!
i took these ones for @holofishes and i totally consider wren to be one of jori's besties! i think they'd have so much to talk about and i get such warm vibes when i see them together! jori is usually very sweet and kind but when it comes to her friends she'd kick anyone's ass 😉
the sunflowers and butterflies in the first pic took so long to place! but it was totally worth it! they're both rays of sunshine!
#Cyberpunk 2077#caer-oswin#Scorpion#Driss Meriana#Nomad V#Street Kid V#My V#My OC#OC: Jori#🦊#OC: Lottie#🦌#OC: Phoenix#🐦#Ship: Broken and Beautiful#Other People's OCs#OC: Mishka#OC: Claire#thelonestrider#OC: Wren#holofishes#i might have gone over board 😅
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A bit of a rant here...
Just because Mario and Luigi have lived potentially traumatic things, doesn't mean they must have trauma. Everyone processes traumatic events differently, everyone has more or less resilience and abilities to bounce back from hard events. And it's a lot easier to handle, to not have trauma, when you had good experiences in the meantime and won in the end.
Considering that Mario and Luigi seem to start their day all fine at the end of the movie, in the Mushroom Kingdom where they now live, I'd say they had a big scare, but were positively reinforced from that experience. If they had trauma, it was minimized.
Don't take me wrong: I absolutely live for traumatized characters. But I find it frustrating that no one else appreciates the Mario Bros for their psychological resilience, that no one writes or talks about it. They're able to live happy and with minimum scars from their adventures. That's a hopeful message for those who are still learning how to be resilient and how to handle traumatic experiences.
It provides hilarious content too. In the canon Paper Mario games, Paper Luigi dies at some point, and from the moment he finds his brother, he's like "heh, we all run out of 1-ups one day." Dude ends up in hell and he doesn't care as long as his bro's with him. In Origami King, he's stuck in-between walls, in "another dimension", but he doesn't mind it when he's out. He's trapped between gears? No matter, Mario has fixed him, he can go. Trapped in a genie lamp? He wants to play again. (It's incredible how Paper Luigi has very little self-preservation instinct, while his 3D counterpart has maybe too much.)
I understand the attraction for fluff content between the Bros, the intense twin hurt-comfort tropes, but at some point, well, don't think that coping with trauma this way is never maladaptive. It's not always cute, to never be able to sleep unless your brother is near. Or to not be able to live apart for more than a few hours. At some point, one of the Bros might have enough (or both). And I feel a bit sad that I see no one showing that coping reactions to trauma can be very unhealthy, when they decide to go for extremely-traumatized-bros tropes.
So I guess, what I wanted to say, is that there are different ways to take the Bros' reaction to the movie events, that go beyond "hurt-comfort". It can be ugly, showing that their "cute" ways to handle trauma is starting to poison their life. Or it can be hilarious because the Bros are so psychologically resilient, they can't be beaten by counting on psychological war or fear factor.
And remember. The opposite of love is not hatred. It's indifference. Or even, cruelty (the love and pleasure of causing pain).
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