do you understand how exhausting it is to be me?

This is my personal trauma core board🦷

Recently, I’ve been having mental health issues, and these kind of images have been somewhat comforting to me because it’s the best representation of what I’m personally going through so I felt like sharing it. I hope someone else can relate or find this comforting the way I can. 

first real breakup. everything hurts. my insides are so tender

I don’t count it has self harm if *I* don’t bleed.

That’s why I never go past the upper skin. I don’t want to relapse again I don’t see it as relapsing if no blood is spilled if feel like it’s ok to let loose a little sometimes. Like a reward

This is so gross. I promise I’m trying to get better but it’s hard

Not feeling very sociable atm, but just thought I'd say hey to everyone out there.

Been getting arty party creative lately, surrounded by stuff, creations and works in progress

Still not sure how I feel about being on another platform where I fail at being sociable or feeling like I have to post.

But I'm trying.......

Really trying in life.....

How to run a social media account without being sociable?

I did a cosplay of someone mentally stable for a few months and I can't believe people actually can live like that effortlessly

this has been the hardest year of my life idk how i’ve survived it

intro

this is probably the 100th time i’ve made a new tumblr, for certain reasons. but this time, i want it to really mean something.

my name is Ayame (or Iris, whichever). i’ve been picking at my skin since i was at least five; i’m in my 30s now. needless to say, i’m trying my best to break the habit for good and get my life in order.

it’s funny. for the longest time, i was certain i was the only person who did this...but this summer, i finally did some research and found out this condition has a name. it has a name and many other people who do the exact same thing. and it’s grounded in mental disorders such as ocd and anxiety, which i haven’t been diagnosed with...but the more i learn about both, the more they make sense to me. 

i find it comforting, knowing i’m not alone.

i guess what i’d really like to do with this blog is to connect with others who’ve had this issue. maybe to share experiences or to share how we try to deal with it. 

so if you are living with the following conditions:

dermatillomania (skin picking disorder)

dermatophagia (picking and biting at skin)

ocd

depression

anxiety

feel free to follow and connect! or at least reblog and share.

They say that people who give good advice are the most broken ones, people who are always kind are lonely inside and those who are always smiling and loving are the ones looking for love. For the past few years, I've been struggling with everything in my mental health. It's been hard to keep myself happy, on top of that I think I have some sort of trust issues, I find it hard to talk to people about how I feel, and I feel like it's my responsibility to always keep them happy. And parents don't make anything better... I find it hard to talk to people face to face, so on this platform, I hope I see someone who I can speak and feel comfortable with. What I want to do here is quite simple I just want to talk to people who can relate and help them as well. I feel more comfortable to talk to people over text rather than in person. By creating this blog I hope that I'll be able to get better and help others get better. I want to be able to talk about a few(?) of the secrets and emotions that I've buried deep inside... I don't think anyone will read this, but thanks if you did :)

no fuck this. BOSTON AND NICK WERE SUPPOSED TO END UP TOGETHER. BOSTON WAS SUPPOSED TO REALIZE HE WAS POLY AND NICK WAS SUPPOSED TO REALIZE HE ACTUALLY MAYBE KINDA REALLY LIKED THAT ABOUT BOSTON. bro relistened to that sex tape so many times. you dont find that suspicious?! NOBODY FINDS THAT FUCKING SUSPICIOUS ??? THIS is my roman empire.

i was too much i was too much i was too much i was too much i was too much i was too much i was too much i was too much i was too much i was too much i was too much again.

i'm so sorry.

I've cried multiple times yesterday, because the flashbacks kept on coming.

And my phone decided to show me the most painful photo memories. I deleted a bunch of photos. Seeing one of my trigger people/abusers' photos while I'm just trying to go about my day doesn't seem to be great for my healing process...

what happened since i moved out and saved myself away from my abusive family, is that my nightmares are now always revolving around my abuser and my family acting more traumatized about it than me. i can't even escape what hasn't healed yet when i'm asleep. how am i supposed to get through this.. i am safe, i got away from them, but the abuse and what's done is still with me. it's never gonna be better, is it?

I want to try REALLY REALLY REALLY hard to be productive tomorrow. I want to wake up at about 9:30 and take a shower and BRUSH MY TEETH!!! I want to start brushing my teeth and get into the habit of it. AND I have an END goal too so I can TRICK myself. I want to brush my teeth twice a day every single day from now until my birthday, so that when me and my fiancé kiss it won't be icky and stuff. I want to tRY really really hard to take a shower every OTHER DAY (shower on tuesday = shower on thursday) and I want to fix my schedule. I want to figure out some work outs for my legs/thighs/hips for stronger legs and stuff because I get pretty tired just walking around!! After my shower today I want to wash my blankets and pillow case, lay on the bed and stretch a bit, and then I can work on writing + talking with my fiancé.

I am not going to eat at all tomorrow, I've eaten too much recently. My mother hid the scale but I know I had lost five pounds.

Everybody is always talking about healing.

But I still don't understand.

How am I supposed to heal?

Destroying myself always came so easy to me,

when I grew up in an destructive envoirnment.

But maybe healing isn't something you have to learn.

Like maths or languages.

Maybe healing is unlearning that all too familiar destruction.

And instead finding comfort in unknown safety.

Maybe all I need to heal is already within me.

And has always been.

Maybe instead of learning, I need to unlearn and let go.

Maybe I've been healing all along.

-ri // 19.01.23

Sorry I haven't made any posts lately. I was having really bad burn out and right when I started getting better I got covid from a family member. I'm trying to focus on getting better before I start writing again. I couldn't write even if I wanted to I'm in a brain fog most of the day and can't focus on anything. Don't worry once I'm better I'll start posting the December Christmas monster stories like nothing happened. Everyone who made a request will still get their request writen I haven't forgotten about it. Sorry for the delay I really wasn't planning on getting sick at all.