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courtforshort15 · 2 years

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A Discussion of Choices

Pairing: Matt Murdock x AFAB Reader

Summary: you're not quite sure what to do about this new development, but Matt will be there, regardless of the choice

Trigger warning: conversation about abortion

Masterlist

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Inspired by the overturning of Roe v Wade

Matt would 100000% support a person's right to choose and to make their own decisions regarding their own healthcare.

Maybe he'd feel a certain way about abortion, have his own personal beliefs regarding the topic, but ultimately I think he'd support a pregnant individual making the right choice for themselves.

Sorry about any typos, literally wrote this on my phone.

You weren't sure when you started crying.

At first, you had been too shocked to feel much of anything, really. Just absolutely numb to everything around you as the two pink lines grew bolder on the stick laid out on your bathroom counter. The timer hadn't even finished ticking down before the results were splayed out in front of you, your future staring you in the face.

Pregnant.

The word bounced across every corner, ledge, and crevice in your brain, speeding up and growing in noise with every pass.

It wasn't long before the breath in your chest struggled to get out, the panic ensnaring your body so completely that breathing was now out of the question. Your heart pounded so hard it felt like it was going to burst out of your chest, the thump-thump roaring so harshly in your ears that you vaguely wondered how Matt could ever stand hearing multiple heartbeats at once.

Matt.

The thought of him caused your body to jolt, the full body twitch imploring you to take a seat on the edge of the bathtub. You forcibly pushed down the bile rising from your stomach, rejecting the idea of losing the contents of your stomach to the toilet for the third time today.

Stumbling, you took the three steps to the bathtub, vision already swimming. Once sat, you buried your head in your hands, a wave of hot, downright miserable tears immediately rushing down your face as you hiccupped.

At first you tried to muffle the cries, biting your lip so hard it bled, but thirty seconds in and sobs wrenched themselves so brutally past your lips that silence wasn't even close to a possibility.

Under any other circumstance, you might have been embarrassed at how suddenly your face had turned a horrid mess of smeared mascara and blotchy skin. You allowed yourself a pass, just this once, as the word pregnant continued to torment your terrified mind.

This

This wasn't

This wasn't how this was supposed to happen.

The world sped back up around you as you cried, body curling in on itself as best as it could from where you sat.

You knew it wasn't the end of the world. You knew that. But it didn't stop you from feeling this heavy weight suddenly being shoved on to your shoulders, one you had always known was a possibility, but had actively chosen to ignore, relying on the pill and condoms to keep you protected from an unwanted pregnancy.

You didn't want kids. Or at least, you didn't want them right now. And Matt....well, you didn't know what he wanted.

You sobbed harder as ideas and thoughts and emotions ran through your head, unable to organize and form a coherent sentence, as if your own mind was on strike against you. You frantically sifted through all the different pieces of information you now needed to consider, trying to gain some sort of an upperhand on a situation that was very rapidly spiraling out of control.

What health insurance did you have? Where was their plan information? Was abortion covered?

Did you have enough money to pay for it?

Where did you need to set up an appointment? Was this something your normal doctor could help you with, or did you need to go somewhere else?

What was your current PTO balance? Did you have enough time off saved for the appointment?

How far along were you? Would it even be considered legal at this point?

What was Matt going to think?

You hated to admit it to yourself, but you couldn't decide if his feelings on the matter were the most important part of the equation, or the least.

You hadn't discussed your thoughts and needs and wishes on the matter. Five months had seemed too soon for such a topic, the two of you just enjoying your time together and seeing what could come of it, but children hadn't yet come up. Maybe it should have.

Your phone rang.

Startled, you reached over to grab it off of the counter, flinching when you saw his name flashing across the screen, as if he had known you were thinking of him. You toyed with the idea of rejecting the call, but grimaced when you realized he'd already called twice and you had failed to notice it. Your beautiful, passionate, stubborn boyfriend was your first thought in the morning and the last one at night, and suddenly he was the last person you wanted to talk to at the moment.

You knew he'd pick up on the fact that was something was wrong, and while you usually loved how perceptive he was and how he always knew what you needed before you did, right now you hated it. And even while you hated it, you were loathe to reject him, to deny him.

You often tried to tell yourself that you weren't as far gone on him as you were, but you failed. Repeatedly. Flat out crashed and burned every time.

Taking a deep breath, you accepted the call and put all of your effort into trying to sound as normal as possible, if only to avoid Matt Murdock's voice of concern that you often found yourself on the receiving end of. You knew he'd had a long day at the courthouse, and he deserved a night of peace, or at least a few hours of peace before throwing himself into the underworld that was Hell's Kitchen after dusk.

Luckily it was only 7pm and in the middle of summer, so he had a few hours left before the neighborhood's criminals truly came out to play.

"Hey, Matt."

"Hey, sweetheart," his voice floated up from the phone in your hand. "What are you up to?"

"Uh," you froze, trying to think up an excuse that didn't include sobbing in your bathroom. You ran a clumsy hand through your hair, ignoring the pain as it forced its way through the tangles that seemed ever-present on your head. "Just finished eating dinner."

"Oh, perfect," you could practically hear him grin. "We were just gonna hop over to Josie's for a few beers. You want to come join us?"

You sighed, pinching the bridge of your nose. Under any other circumstances, you would have loved to go hang out with your boyfriend and his friends. "I'm not...I'm not feeling super great. I'm just gonna go to bed."

Matt was quiet for a second, and you cringed. You almost always accepted their invitations. To decline now would send him a signal that something was very much off, and before he even spoke, you knew what he was going to suggest. "Are you ok? Look, I'll just head your way instead. I was with Foggy and Karen all day, I can hang out with them another time."

"No!" You choked out. "No, I'm fine, really. I just need to sleep it off."

He was quiet again, and when we spoke, his voice was a little more firm. "I'll be there in ten minutes. Can I bring you anything from the store?"

Fuck.

"No. I'm ok, I don't need anything. I'll leave the door unlocked, you can just come straight in." It was pointless arguing with the man once he had his mind set on something.

Thirteen minutes later you had managed to change into pajamas and were curled up on the couch, waiting on the man who had so abruptly changed your life, even before this unexpected equation was thrown into the mix. If you hadn't been nauseous earlier, you certainly were now.

There was a gentle knock on your front door before it opened, revealing the Concerned Face of Matt Murdock (TM) as he pushed his way into your apartment. His cane was folded up and placed on to the table you had next to the front door, and he took his red glasses off as he shut the door behind him. His unfocused eyes were aimed in your direction, a soft smile on his face.

He couldn't see you, but he saw you, in more ways than you had ever imagined a partner would be able to, would want to.

He had a grocery bag in his hand and you could spot the bright yellow color of your favorite flavor of Gatorade peaking out. For a man with so little concern for his own wellbeing, he sure had every little piece of information stored in his head regarding the things that you found comfort in when you weren't feeling well. If you hadn't been so nervous, you would have basked in how sweet the Devil of Hell's Kitchen was with you while simultaneously spending so much time bloodying his fists night after night.

"How are you feeling?" Matt asked as he made his way over to your couch. He got down on his knees in front of where you were laying, leaning down to place a gentle kiss on your forehead. His calloused hand found itself on your cheek as he pushed hair behind your ear. "You don't feel warm."

"I'm fine," you told him tiredly. "Just an awful headache." It technically wasn't a lie at that point. Dehydration had set in as a result of your crying episode earlier, and now your head was downright throbbing.

He hmmmd quietly in reply, his fingers toying with the lobe of your ear. "Did you take a Tylenol? I bought you some, wasn't sure if you had picked up another bottle after I depleted your stash."

You smirked slightly. "I'm surprised you don't have liver damage with how much Tylenol you take on a daily basis."

"Shh," he hushed you in good humor. "I'm trying to be a supportive boyfriend here. Don't call me out like that."

"A real supportive boyfriend would let me do what I needed to help numb my pain."

He grinned. "I draw the line at being insulted while trying to take care of you. My ego is fragile and it deserves the same care and affection I am giving you."

You rolled your eyes fondly. "Maybe you shouldn't be such a baby."

The word slipped out so suddenly that you couldn't stop your body from having the reaction it did.

Baby.

Terror.

Anxiety.

Utter panic.

The reaction was so intense that it instantly (and unexpectedly) put Matt on edge. He froze, his focus on you sharpening, and God, you could practically see the hair on his skin rising.

"What is it?" He all but demanded. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," you choked out, chest still tight. "It's nothing." You halfheartedly tried to push him away as he crowded further into your space.

"I've never felt you react like that," he stated fiecerly. "That wasn't nothing."

"Matt-"

He pretty much growled out your name, effectively cutting you off. "Your heart is pounding, I can feel you struggling to breathe. Tell me what that was."

"Alright, alright," you forced out, trying to rotate on to your back, but his sudden hand on your shoulder stopped you.

Sighing, steeling yourself against the possible fall out of this revelation, you mummbled, "I'm pregnant."

Matt froze, unseeing eyes widening. His posture was still stiff, but you seemed to have knocked him off his feet, so to speak. He cleared his throat loudly. "What?"

"You heard me, Matt," you whispered, sitting up slowly, grateful when he finally let you move as he swayed slightly on his knees. "Pregnant."

Matt licked his lips, as he often did when he was nervous. "You're...you're sure?"

"Yup. Took the test three times. To be honest, I'm surprised you can't hear a heartbeat. Must not be that far along," you said faintly, playing with the hem on your sleep shorts. With every breath he didn't say something, your panic grew, until he placed a gentle, yet shaking hand over yours and rose up from his spot on the floor to sit beside you on the couch.

"And...how are you feeling about it?" He asked cautiously. You laughed, trying not to sound bitter, knowing he didn't deserve it.

"Not great," you told him honestly, almost flinching at your own words. "I, uh...we haven't had this talk yet, have we?"

"The sex talk? Bit too late for that," he deadpanned, though his lips caught a quick smirk at the end. A sudden laugh burst out from your chest, this time one that was more genuine.

"No," you shook your head, smile fading. "The...baby talk. As in, do you want babies? In a general sense, I guess."

Matt hmmmd again, though this time he did so as he leaned back against your couch, settling in for what you both knew would be a heavy conversation. You brought your hand up to your mouth to pick at the hang nail on your thumb. It was one of your major tells for any sort of anxiety you were feeling, and Matt quickly caught on to it, pulling your hand into his before it could make its way to your mouth. It was extremely settling, and you wanted to cry at his display of casual yet intentional comfort he offered you.

"No, we haven't," he agreed, briefly kissing the back of the hand he now held in his, before sliding his fingers through yours and bringing it down to his lap. "I guess we're getting that opportunity now."

"Seems so," you replied, fighting hard not to fold in on yourself in prepartion of what you were about to say. This conversation with him needed to be open and honest, and you didn't want him to think you were holding yourself back from him, even while the topic was difficult. "So...I can start first. I don't think I want kids. Especially not now."

"Okay," Matt said easily and without pause. "That's okay."

You were almost taken aback at how simple he made that acceptance sound. Swallowing, you soldiered on.

"And you?"

"To be completely honest, I haven't really thought about it."

"Seriously?"

"Yeah," he shrugged. "Most of my life has been about reacting to what's going on in front of me, not what was super far down the line. I had to pass a class, had to prep for a case, had to fight a man mugging an old woman, had to seduce the pretty, citrus-scented girl Foggy introduced to me." He gave you a smirk at that last one, reminding you of the night you had met five months ago when Foggy had been playing Matt's wingman at a bar in midtown. "But those were all things that were short-term goals, nothing long term."

"Oh, I'm just short term?"

Matt barked out a laugh, pulling you to lean against him as his other hand settled across your shoulder from over the couch. "That's not how I meant that."

"You're doing great at this baby talk, Matt," you told him. "You've made this super simple. No need having the baby talk with a man who was never planning on sticking around long enough anyway."

"Shut up," he you told you affectionately, placing a kiss on to the top of your head. "Can I finish?"

"You did finish. That's why we're here and having this conversation."

"Jesus." He was still laughing, and you found yourself grinning in return, unable to deny yourself, and him, this moment of happiness in an otherwise serious conversation. "As I was saying...I haven't really ever though of kids. If the person I was with wanted them, I'd be open to discussing it. And if the person I was with didn't want them, then I'd be very happy to enjoy our lives, just the two of us."

You were silent as your absorbed his words, brain trying to keep up.

"That's you, by the way," he said when you didn't respond right away. "The person I'm with...I'm hoping it's always you."

"It's only been five months," was all you said. The objection sounded weak, even to your own ears.

"I knew after one." Matt squeezed your hand, another kiss placed to the top of your head. "But even if...even if our situation was different, even if I really wanted kids, or even if this was short term, I'd still want you to do what's best for you."

"But this involves you, too," you said. "I know that I'm the one who makes the final decision, but your opinion matters, too."

"I know. And I'm not sure how I would have reacted if you'd done something without telling me, knowing what we are to each other, but this is your call. I support you either way."

"Ok," you nodded, taking a deep breath, finding a sense of relief in what he had said, but unable to completely squash down your anxiety. "But are you sure? I know how you feel about...killing. Is that what you think this would be?"

"No," he said adamantly.

"But you're Catholic."

"Doesn't matter." He was still shaking his head. "This a medical procedure. It is a personal decision. This, what's growing inside you, has the potential to be more, of course it does. But that's not where we're at right now."

"Some people believe life begins at conception."

"Maybe it does. Maybe it doesn't," Matt shrugged. "But your life matters, too, and I want you to be happy in it. I need you to be happy in it. And if this is what you need to be happy, then I support that choice."

You were crying again. You tried to take your hand from his to cover your face, but he wouldn't let you. Instead, he rejected the idea of you hiding yourself from him so completely that he pulled you fully into his lap.

"It's so hard," you mumbled into his neck. "It's a really hard decision to make."

"I know, sweetheart," he soothed quietly, playing with the ends of your hair.

"I don't want this," you all but whimpered. "Not yet. And maybe not ever."

"Okay. That's okay." He shifted to pull you closer. "What do you need from me?"

"I need you to come with me. Please?"

"Of course. You don't even have to ask." Matt lifted your joined hands to kiss the back of yours again. "And maybe, while we're there, we can ask about something that might help us not to have to make this decision again. Maybe something that might...be an option for me?"

You picked up on what he was saying and made a noise of disagreement. "I can't ask you to do that."

"You're not, I'm offering. If we change our minds in a few years, there's usually success with a procedure that will reverse it."

"I...just don't make the decision lightly, please," you said, fidgeting with the buttons on his shirt. "Not yet, not for me."

"For us, then."

You sniffed loudly.

"...okay," you settled more fully against him, and he responded by squeezing you to him tighter. You didn't know what you'd done to deserve this man. "For us."

You held each other for a few moments of silence before you spoke again. The weight of the pregnancy was still heavy on your shoulders, but Matt was willingly sharing that burden with you, and you found that it didn't seem so awful to bear.

"Thank you," you said quietly. "Thank you for understanding."

"No need to thank me, sweetheart," Matt whispered, pulling back far enough to touch his forehead to yours. "I'll always be in your corner, no matter what."

And you believed him.

If you're planning on leaving a negative comment, please don't. A lot people are hurting over this. The point of this isn't to offend or start arguments, just to highlight the struggles that many AFAB indivduals, and their loved ones, are faced with, regardless of their circumstances.

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#daredevil #matt murdock #human disaster matt murdock #marvel #right to abortion #right to choose #abortion is healthcare #matt murdock x reader #afab reader #soft matt murdock

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small-strong-bookish-butch · 1 month

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I'm almost done reading The Handmaid's Tale, and I don't like it. I've never read it before, I know it's a classic, and I was intrigued enough to keep reading.

But.... God, where do I start? Ranty jumble below the cut.

Especially after Roe V. Wade got overturned, a lot of people were like "Ooooh, it's just like Handmaid's Tale!"

I Googled if Atwood is transphobic, and got mixed results.

Within the interview I read, she said she doesn't predict the future, she just reads a lot of history, which put a lot of the book into context....

I think, as someone who does not know a lot of history and isn't interested in history, a lot of the events in THT seemed to be just:

[Atwood in 1985 voice] "Ooooh, what if slavery [against Black people] in the U.S. happened to white women?"

The no-reading rule. Only used for their bodies. Punished by mutilating their hands and feet. Public lynchings, to put it bluntly. De-gendered (?) for 'running away.' All dressing the same. Not allowed to use their own names. Being sent to 'the Colony.' Being traded among men if they misbehaved.

There are probably many more examples I'm forgetting.

But what really got it for me was the mention of the "Underground FemaleRoad." Really?? You're going to basically name-drop the historical way that enslaved people could actually escape and give them and their allies no credit for any of it???

I know, I know, practically the definition of cultural appropriation is "a white person does something that POC have been doing for a while and doesn't credit them/takes it as their own invention", but like, seriously?!

She wrote this whole book about "oh no what if Bad Things happened to White women 😢😢😢" and didn't mention anything about like, slavery or colonization or imperialism or anything like this that's happened to people of color in history, let alone the US Slave Trade.

Uhhhhh what else....

A lot of the ways the book talked about sexuality and purity culture and Christianity felt very like.... a mix of dramatic irony, regular irony, and almost post-ironic?

Like, especially with the prayers— you could tell that the Aunts did mean it sincerely, but I couldn't tell how much Offred herself did (or would have) actually disagreed with the Biblical teachings if they hadn't been used to like..... oppress her into subservience or whatever.

(Like when she talked about how her mom was pro-choice and how she, as a teenager, was 'humiliated' by how her mom would like, go to pro-abortion protests and be proud of people's right to choose. My personal reading of it was that, had they not been in this new overdramatic apocalypse, Offred would still feel like that and not be pro-choice at all.)

I think I need to cite my sources on all that; like, most of the time, with how THT talked about [patriarchy, reproductive rights, 'women's' bodies, abortion, Bible verses, the paranoia of getting caught doing something wrong, etc.] I couldn't tell if the narrator was saying something ironically, or if it was meant to be taken ironically, or if it was supposed to be post-ironic, and we all— including the narrator— were supposed to understand that it had started ironically and had now evolved past that to mean something totally opposite its original meaning....

(Though honestly, I don't think the book or Atwood is smart enough to be as post-ironic as you'd think for most of it.)

The fucking. "Pen Is Envy." I wanted to scream. 'Aunt Lydia told us that. They were right. I see the pen and do feel envy" are you serious right now? Really?! Really. It's all so fucking absurd. To take Freud's words, who was well known as a pseudoscientist, and use it as a 'male privilege' analogy in the sense where it's logical??? Get real.

The Marthas were mentioned briefly as having brown skin, and I assumed, given the almost no context of any of it, that they're women of color who are like, housemaid slaves and aren't seen as good for anything else?

I don't remember any mentions about what happened to the men of color, anywhere.

Overall? I hated the book. I spent most of it waiting for it to get interesting, or even to feel like Offred gave any fucks about like, courage or anything meaningful (beyond surviving a room without a light fixture or whatever the fuck). I didn't like her as a character, I didn't think she was a useful narrator, I think there were whole swatches of things that were left out and unexplained, and the book doesn't make sense. Full stop. It doesn't make sense. I felt a sense of unease while reading.

Overall I interpreted the book to be very...... pro-gender- and biological essentialism and white supremacy and eugenics in a "white people can be the only people" kind of way, and I think Atwood's perspective is NOT well-clarified enough to be strongly against any of that in a way that is meaningful, let alone action-oriented.

#personal #the handmaid's tale #i have opinions #abortion #margaret atwood #reproductive rights #gender essentialism #biological essentialism #white supremacy #tw white supremacy

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max1461 · 2 years

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Ok, so suppose I am Just Some Guy. And suppose that I would like to see certain social and political outcomes. Like, seriously, straight up: what should I even do?

The reformist says vote. Which, yeah, I think is probably worth doing. But 1) you only get to do it very occasionally, and 2) the effect size is absolutely miniscule. So, sure, I vote, but if I really want to see change in the world, that on its own is not going to be satisfying to me.

The revolutionist says, you know, prepare for The Revolution. Raise (class, other) consciousness, or organize a cadre or whatever. And, sure, spreading (class, other) consciousness is something I can do, that probably helps in general, but again, the effect size is tiny. And like it or not, The Revolution is not coming any time soon, if ever. Pretty sure getting involved in an actual militant group would be a waste of my fucking time, in that it would have zero positive effect because the revolution is not fucking happening. And zero positive effect is a net negative effect because of opportunity cost. So, then, raise consciousness. Well I guess that's half of what Posting is, and I'm pretty good at arguing for my positions IRL too. So got that one squared away.

And then there's the... well, they don't really have a name, but the camp who says "do direct action under the current system, even if it doesn't lead directly to revolutionary change". And yeah, they are obviously correct. Unionize. Volunteer at (useful) things. Protest shit. Etc. And I think that's the best shot most people have at making real change in the world, but it still feels so hopelessly inadequate. Like the gears of power are turning, working themselves in various directions far above you, and the best you can do is sort of... very slightly resist their momentum and nudge them in a different direction, even when organizing with lots and lots of other people.

And I've tried to keep this post general so far, but now I'll be specific: how does one most effectively achieve socialist policy aims in the United States at this time? Cause to be honest, when I really think about it, seems like the answer is "just can't, sorry". Like it's just... not going to happen. And voting and direct action and consciousness-raising are still all probably worth it, because when you've got a big bleeding wound, having a band-aid is better than having nothing, but that's not very heartening. And since the pandemic the labor movement seems to have been getting stronger, which is definite cause for hope, but it's been in such a sorry state for so long that things still seem quite dark.

And I'm writing all this in light of the Supreme Court decision to overturn Roe v. Wade, which has got me thinking about what political victory even looks like. I mean, conservatives fought for this for fifty years, and they got it, and for what? Is their dream of a traditionalist monocultural society now realized? No, not even remotely. Have they made any inroads towards the sort of world they want to live in? Barely, I'd say, when it really comes down to it. They've done a huge amount of harm to a huge amount of people, and spent half a century of effort, and they've gotten what I imagine must feel like the hollowest victory possible.

So is that what political change necessarily looks like? You fight for fifty years through the halls of power for one tiny morsel of your ideological program, and then you get it, but the rest of the world has moved on to such a degree that you still feel like it's a losing battle (as, from talking to them, I think conservatives basically do)?

Anyway, just some thoughts.

#society

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she-karev · 17 days

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Birth

Age Rating: 12+

Chapters: One of Two

Fandom: Grey’s Anatomy

AN: Hey guys here’s the next story I hope you like it and I’ll post the next one in the morning.

Summary: Amber is in a delivery room in labor with Andrew by her side and Addison Montgomery as her doctor.

Words: 1930

I groan out in pain lying in my birthing bed wearing a hospital gown so I can finally give birth. Unfortunately, there’s a lot of pain before that happens based on how I’m leaning forward while my uterus tightens up. All I can do is hold Andrew’s hand as the next contraction comes and hits me like a truck. Dr. Addison Montgomery is also in the room feeling around my stomach as I collapse on the bed once the contraction ends. I let go of Andrew’s hand and he rubs it clearly hurting after my vice grip.

Addison moves back and checks the monitor for my vitals, “Okay Dr. DeLuca your contractions are 10 minutes apart and you’re progressing very nicely.”

Her diagnosis is pissing me off, “Oh god that’s what you call progressing nicely you rotten old bat. Ugh! I call it a bumpy road trip down to hell.”

Andrew steps in to humanize me as he curls his fist to make sure I didn’t break any bones, “She didn’t mean that, the ‘rotten old bat’ part.”

“I think I did.”

Andrew chuckles nervously and tries again, “We both appreciate you taking the time to deliver our baby. I’m sure your schedule is packed.”

Addison isn’t mad though she just grins, “Oh no please ever since Roe V Wade was overturned, I’m in the front row of the fallout. A birth is something I needed to bring some joy into my life and remind me why I first got into OB so thank you.”

I sigh at that, “Any chance you can thank me by taking over?”

Addison chuckles, “It’s okay everybody reacts to giving birth differently. I’ve been in this specialty for almost 30 years believe me I have seen it all.”

I exhale as Andrew chuckles and explains, “I wouldn’t bet on it Dr. Montgomery, Amber is a very unique individual.”

I glare at him, “Shut up Andrew nobody is asking for your opinion.” He simply nods knowing better than to challenge me in the state I’m in.

“I’m sure you both know this but the next step is to wait for the contractions to get a little closer together before asking you to push.”

“Oh god they get closer together?” I ask terrified then remember I have an MD, “Wait a minute I knew that. Of course, I knew that I’m a doctor I would have to know that.” I sigh and remorse comes to me as I face Addison, “I’m sorry I called you a rotten old bat. You actually look very good for your age.”

She chuckles at that, “It’s okay and yes you did know that. If you didn’t, I would be dealing with your brother intern year again.” I chuckle lightly at that, “Don’t worry Amber you know everything you need to know about giving birth and whatever you forget your husband will be there to remind you. Your next contraction is in ten minutes I have a consult to get to but I will be right back.” Dr. Montgomery begins to walk out the door with Andrew looking worried about being left alone with me but he stands by my side and holds my hand again.

“Okay so breathe through your nose.”

“Do not tell me what to do.” My hormones and contractions are making me extra cranky, “Ugh I need to walk around get me off this bed.”

“Are you sure?” Andrew asks causing me to glare at him which scares him so much he complies, “Okay then let’s walk around the room for a bit here we go.” He helps me off the bed and I make it to five feet before I lean my elbows against the table breathing in and out with Andrew rubbing my back to comfort me, “So I’m gonna risk poking the bear and ask have you thought of a name for the child to be?”

I look behind to narrow my eyes at him, “Really? Now? You pick now to ask that? I am about to push a melon through a keyhole and you choose to bring up how we’re lagging in the name department?”

He rubs my back and continues, “I think now is the right time, I know we said TBD but we should probably D it before we have a chubby faced baby and a blank line on the birth certificate. We ruled out your mom for obvious reasons, what about grandma’s? I’ve got Aria, and Adelina, you?”

I inhale deeply and exhale before responding, “You mean Miriam and Ruth who rejected me and left me and my brothers to fend for ourselves in foster care when their son and daughter couldn’t take care of us? You want to name our loved daughter after those negligent bitches?”

He winces at that harsh reminder, “You know what let’s forget grandparents how about we meet her first and it’ll come to us.”

I groan at my discomfort again, “Whatever gets you to shut up I will take it. God why did I talk myself into this? Why didn’t I wait until electric wombs were invented or cloning was in human trials? I could’ve saved myself so much misery.”

He runs his hands through my hair, “You’re doing great just breathe through the pain.”

I breathe like he suggests, “Shut up about my pain, you don’t know what is going on inside my body right now.”

“I don’t know I was beaten and stabbed I’m sure I can relate on some level.”

I grip the ends of the table as sweat drips from my forehead, “I was beaten too and this right here this is like getting stabbed a hundred times in your pelvis and you’re pooping out your insides.”

His eyes widen at that image, “That does sound painful.” Suddenly my emotions get the better of me and I go from angry to sad because I start to cry and then sob like a lunatic. I can tell Andrew is surprised but he stays and rubs my shoulders, “Oh no, hey it’s okay the pain is all a natural part of labor I don’t know it personally but the one upside to riding this out is having a baby in the end to make it all worth it. I mean that’s something isn’t it?” I still sob though and I can tell Andrew is stumped but trying to mend me as he affectionately rubs my back, “Come on I’m sorry I would make it so this process has no pain at all. I would make it to where you push and then pop we have a baby trust me.”

I sniffle and stop sobbing but I still have tears in my eyes, “It’s not the pain, I grew up in a hell house, my foster parents were crap, my brother beat me to near death and I worked in a hospital during covid I can handle the pain.” I tear up and my voice hitches, “I’m sad because I’m afraid of continuing the cycle.”

“What? What do you mean?”

I sniffle as I walk back to the bed with Andrew helping me up, “I mean what person thought ‘oh look here’s a baby now I have something to hit’ maybe my dad didn’t same for my mom but look at what they did in their trial as parents. I already look like my mom what if I do to our kids what she did to hers?”

He looks at me in sympathy as he helps me lie down in bed and covers me with a blanket, “Amber-”

I hold my hand up to silence him, “No I know what this is, I know it’s the hormones causing all this crazy thinking and I should ignore it but I can’t because there’s no off switch and it’s not like some creep in a bus you just avoid eye contact with. All of this uncertainty brings me back to my childhood when I would watch my mom get dragged away by orderlies screaming nonsense about the government watching us through the smoke alarms which I genuinely believed until that day. And now I’m about to become a mother and suddenly I think ‘what if I’m like her?’” I tear up again, “And she was the worst mother in the world. What if I’m just the latest in my family’s long line of horrible mothers?” I sob again, putting my hand over my eyes so I don’t see the look on Andrew’s face as I break down in the worst time possible.

“Shh it’s okay it’s gonna be okay.” I still sob as he tries to soothe me, “Look I thought the same thing when I started getting manic okay? Remember when I was at my worst and I took it out on everyone and you especially?” I sob harder at that memory, “Sorry I have a point here I promise. I thought the diagnosis was the end and I was just like my manic and reckless father who refuses to talk to me. I pushed you away, I quit my job and I let myself get in the deep end. I thought I was doomed but I wasn’t, Carina, Webber and Bailey they all showed me that and I decided to prove myself wrong and I did. And now I’m good not cured but good and despite everything I did I earned your trust back. I did that and I am so glad I did because it brought me to this moment with you.” I calm down a bit remembering that as awful as that period of our lives was it brought us closer together and made us stronger as a couple.

“Look I’m not saying I’m not scared too I get terrified thinking I’m gonna screw up this kid like my dad screwed me up but I know that I’m not and I know that you’re not gonna repeat your mom’s mistakes either.” I wipe a tear away as my sobs lessen, “I know you had a crappy mom but at the very least you know what not to do. You’re the strongest, most caring, and compassionate person I know and this kid could do a lot worse for a mom. Amber we’re not our parent’s, we’re us and I don’t think I know we’re gonna end our family pattern. It stops here with me and you. It ends with us.”

My sobs stop completely as I let his speech sink in and I become less afraid. It’s the hormones but it’s also my fear of ending up like my mother that has been in my mind for years. I don’t know how this is gonna go but I know how it’s not and I’ll be damned if it does. His last words hit me and I raise an eyebrow at him recognizing it, “You read that Colleen Hoover book I got for me didn’t you?”

His eyes widen at that, “Well…I…” He sighs as he confesses, “It was on your nightstand I decided to read a chapter…I ended up reading the whole thing while you were asleep.” I laugh at that imaging him reading a recently popular romance drama that even got me stirred up in emotions, “It was pretty good.”

I nod in agreement, “It was. Thanks for making me laugh.”

“Thank Colleen.” I chuckle, “The next contraction is in 30 seconds do you want to hold my hand?”

“Don’t hate me if I break it.” I grab his hand and grip it as the next fireball of pain takes me causing me to scream.

#greys anatomy #greysanatomyedit #greysedit #amber karev #andrew deluca #addison montgomery #season 19 #elizabeth gillies #liz gillies #giacomo gianniotti #headcanon #labor pain #mine

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wartakes · 9 months

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When Domestic Politics Become a National Security Concern (OLD ESSAY)

This essay was originally posted on June 29th, 2022 - not long after the verdict overturning Roe v. Wade was handed down by the Supreme Court.

Basically, this was me commenting on how I increasingly see crossover between the world I operate in (national security, defense, etc.) and the domestic political environment in the United States - which is needless to say, NOT A GOOD THING.

(Full essay below the cut).

I hope for a lot of things these days. I hope for better things for myself, for my friends and family and loved ones, for people all over the world at large.

But more than anything, I really just wish we could stop having history for just a day or two.

Like, fucking really. Can it just take a smoke break? I’d really like to write one of these about something else for a change instead of whatever event is sucking my soul out that month and it feels like there’s been even more of that already this year than the last couple years combined.

The big event most recently of course was the U.S. Supreme Court overturning its own prior decision on Roe vs. Wade, stripping nationwide abortion rights and immediately putting the lives of countless women at risk. As if this wasn’t bad enough in its own right, it seems that there are troubling signs on the horizon for what the majority-Republican appointee court has its sights on next when it comes to stripping away rights that many of us thought were settled at this point. Needless to say, it’s been an utterly demoralizing week for myself and just about everyone I know.

Now, you may be asking yourself: “KomodoDad, why are you writing about this here? Aren’t you a war guy? Why are you going on about domestic politics?” First of all: if you really are unironically asking that, go fuck yourself, I’ll write about what I want to. Second: all of this is fast becoming a national security issue and that’s really bad and we should all be concerned (that is, those of us who haven’t already been concerned for a long time now).

I started thinking about this on the friday that the Roe decision was passed down and it festered in my head even more over the weekend that followed. I could see it not only in the reaction of victorious right-wing forces celebrating their accomplishment and lashing out further at their opponents, or in the various police crackdowns on people rightfully showing their displeasure at this rollback of bodily autonomy. I also saw it just in the reactions of people I know, a great many of them struggling to keep from saying something that would get them banned off of social media or worse. Even more than I saw during the George Floyd protests of 2020, I’ve seen this bubbling rage coming to the surface in so many people who A.) haven’t been prone to outrage before; and B.) aren’t all necessarily leftists or as far left as some of us are online.

I look at the pattern we’re locked in, with a powerful and vocal right-wing minority continuously ramming through its agenda even when the majority of Americans oppose it, and that majority of people getting more and more frustrated when nothing seems to be done to try and roll it back, and I suddenly get very concerned. I get concerned because I am a national security weirdo, and when I look at what’s going on now and I look at what’s been going on the past five, ten, twenty years, I start to see patterns that if I noticed them in a foreign country I’d be going “uh oh, that doesn’t bode well for them.” Basically, it feels like more and more of our domestic political issues are turning into national security concerns due to their intractability and that’s not good.

I want to stress before I go any deeper that I’m going to try and not make this a doomer piece. I speak every other minute about how I abhor doomerism in all its forms and that’s the last feeling I want to encourage with my writing. But I do want this essay to be something that at least makes you feel concerned if you weren’t already and motivate you to action. I’ve actually avoided writing about this topic for a while to be perfectly honest with you. I’ve seen more than a few articles and several recent books about the possibility of Civil War II and by and large I’ve felt they’ve been scare pieces trying to make a quick fear buck. While I’ve admittedly still had a low-level concern about that sort of thing, it’s been just that: low. I hadn’t yet felt a need to address it. But after this past week, I think I’ve finally felt like it’s necessary to talk about the risk of civil conflict for everyone’s sake because I feel shit like what’s happened with Roe is only going to keep coming hotter and heavier and we need to understand what we’re dealing with if we’re going to do anything about it.

Worrying Signs

As usual, I feel the need to define some terms and explain some of my concepts a bit more. If I casually say “everything is national security now” with no context, that can be taken a lot of ways. After all, national security and national defense do touch upon or are connected to multiple corners of our economy and day to day lives, even if we don’t always see it. When I say “everything is national security now” what I mean is that more and more political issues are rising to the level of contention or intractability where they carry with them a threat of widespread violence – be that violence against civilians, the state, or whatever or whoever else. They start to rise to the level that they’re disrupting or preventing the carrying out “good governance” (or whatever might pass for it) and all the things we might consider part and parcel of being a “normal”, peaceful, functional country. Things as simple as being to go to the grocery store or go to school or wherever without the threat of getting merc’d being off the scale. They rise to that level because their intractability prevents any kind of solution through existing non-violent channels for whatever reason – such as those channels being flawed and broken, or just being plain non-existent in some cases.

This is nothing new (unfortunately). We’ve seen this before to varying degrees. The most notable and destructive instance of this in American history is of course the original U.S. Civil War, where the issue of slavery became so intractable that it could not be resolved by peaceful means and became a violent conflict when the South took up arms in defense of it (if anyone ever tries to tell you it was about “states’ rights” just ask “states’ rights to what, motherfucker?). Other examples also exist at varying scales and intensity of violence. The Whiskey Rebellion of 1791 against the Federal government and its powers of taxation is one example, which involved a large-scale Federal and state military response but very few killed or injured. There are of course, other examples that don’t quite rise to the level of civil war or outright rebellion from multiple periods of American history, such as violence against activists in the Civil Rights movement. Another pertinent example in light of the Roe vs. Wade decision is the history of attacks – sometimes deadly – on abortion providers in the U.S. (which have consequently skyrocketed over the past year in case you were wondering).

So, yes: certain political issues becoming increasingly unsolvable by peaceful political means and becoming security issues as well as political issues is not new. However, whenever it happens, it should still be cause for concern even if its “mild”, because it signals greater problems afoot. In that vein, if you start getting more and more issues that are becoming security issues all at the same time, it stands to reason you should be even more concerned. That’s why I feel it’s even more cause for worry now due to the fact it feels like more and more issues are all reaching that point simultaneously in recent years.

There’s also the matter of the way in which the issues become intractable or contended, because sometimes it creates the false impression that the problem is no one is “compromising” or finding “middle ground” like “adults” (or at least that’s what braindead columnists in major newspapers are trying to get us to believe). With many of our “controversial” issues today, there often seems like there’s actually a majority of people who are in favor of some kind of progressive change or action. We’ve seen this with gay marriage, abortion rights, gun control, and with multiple other issues that we’re told are “controversial.” The problem is that the minority of those who oppose any positive change on these issues are mostly unwilling to cede any ground what-so-ever; with more and more issues are seen by them as being hills to die on (or kill on). Even mild amounts of change are cause for outrage and screaming bloody murder, as we’ve seen with what it took to pass even lukewarm gun violence legislation in the aftermath of multiple mass shootings this year (and the reactions to said lukewarm legislation from some on the right). Every single political battle becomes one that these reactionaries want to fight to the death over (both figuratively and – increasingly – literally).

And that’s what they are: reactionaries. Don’t let these people fool you into thinking that they’re only “conservatives.” This is not to say that conservatives are necessary “good”, but this just isn’t what they are. A philosophical conservative (on paper) isn’t supposed to necessarily be opposed to all change, but only wants gradual, limited, incremental change (the subtext here for anyone on the left of course, being, that they want that change so that they can “manage” it and maintain power and privileges in the process). But reactionaries want to actively turn the clock back and re-fight past battles that they’ve lost. It’s not just good enough for them to slow down change or even halt change, they want to go back and undo change to fit their own worldview.

The Rachet Effect of Rage

Therein lies another problem, because the deadlock we’re in isn’t really even strictly a deadlock. Movement is certainly possible, but it feels as if the only movement we can achieve lurches us further to the right. You’ve probably heard this described before by people more politics savvy than I am: the idea of the rachet effect; where the design of the political system prevents moving back to the left and only allows movement to the right. It becomes harder and harder to dismiss as you have the Democratic Party – the supposed guardians against the sort of setbacks we’re experiencing (if their campaign literature is to be believed) the party currently in power, failing to do anything to substantively improve our material conditions while continuing to allow the right to drag us further into their corner despite not even supposedly being in power anymore. The Democratic Party seems fundamentally incapable of exercising power once it has notionally achieved it, while the Republican Party has spent the last two to four decades building up power and institutions in such a way that it can continue to wield power even when it is – on paper – still in the opposition.

That brings us to the situation we’re in. Where when we’re not at a standstill, we’re being ratcheted further to the right with various court challenges and other manipulations of the structures of power by the right. Any attempt to move further to the left is blocked or thwarted by the mechanisms developed by the intractable and reactionary right – be it the Republicans or various other far-right groups that have sprung up like mushrooms in the past decade – and aided by the incompetence, unwillingness, or even outright complicity of the liberal establishment. This is a situation that has left many – myself included – feeling disenfranchised and powerless to act on our own or to convince those in power to act positively.

You may not remember, but I’ve written about this sort of thing before in a different context, when I discussed insurgency and counterinsurgency and our failings in understanding it. Insurgencies, rebellions, civil wars – all the various kinds of intrastate violence, start when domestic political grievances become unresolvable by peaceful means. Eventually, at least some of those who are advocating those grievances – after it’s become clear they have no way of affecting change or even negotiating for the possibility of change under the current systems – feel that they are forced to take up arms and use violence in order to do so.

Maybe now, if you weren’t already concerned with the buildup of impotent rage many in this country are feeling at the same time that those on the right seem more than willing to resort to violence to drag us back in time and keep us there, you might start to understand why I am.

As the right dig in deeper with their extreme stances, you have the opposing current of everyone else who want change slamming up against them. While the right stands as a bulwark against change while shoving everyone else backwards, the frustration and the rage of everyone else builds. What happens when you have more and more people who aren’t somewhere to the right of Genghis Khan increasingly feel they have no other way to try and stop it or to improve things the way the system is currently constituted? What happens when they feel voting does nothing, that politicians aren’t willing to engage with them, and where it feels like any other response ends up with them being beaten and tear gassed? You can fill in the blanks. It’s not good.

All is Not Lost

If you know me, you know I don’t like treating the future as written in stone. Time is not, in fact, a flat circle. We do all still have agency. We can still affect things in the world around us. We are not absolutely doomed to a certain large-scale conflagration of civil violence and destruction along with all manner of other misery. We are not completely powerless to stop events. There are reasons for hope. But if things don’t change in a big way, if enough people don’t act and soon, we’re definitely on the road to something bad.

I have no idea what that something could potentially be and no one else can be absolutely sure either – so if anyone else tries to give you any prediction other than a series of plausible possibilities, take it with a large grain of salt. I don’t want to get too deeply into those because I don’t want to scare or depress you any more than you absolutely need to be right now. All I will say is it could be anywhere from something as high-key and violent as the Syrian Civil War, to something more on the level of Italy’s “Years of Lead” or the Northern Irish “Troubles.” A lot of that really depends on what happens more in the years to come/years preceding any hypothetical conflict (which again, is not certain to occur). But even if only the “less bad” types of civil conflict break out, it would still be horrific for large swathes of society and the world at large. We shouldn’t want any of that in any shape or form.

Again, I try not to be alarmist or doomsaying – the exact opposite, in fact. What I’m telling you today is not meant to fill you with dread for the sake of dread; it is not meant to black pill you or turn you into a nihilist or a doomer. What I want to do is simply drive home the seriousness of the times we’re in – to reinforce what the last few years have taught us: that this is not just a game, or a temporary phase that will eventually fizzle out on its own. We are, in fact, in a real crisis. We are in a Wikipedia article that has not been written yet – or exists and is going to be retitled sometime in the near-future. How that article will read in the future is on all of us. This is meant to be a drive to action to try and improve this situation and prevent it from spiraling further out of control, not an attempt to get fear clicks and paralyze you with foreboding. We need to channel our fear, our anger, our frustration; channel it into meaningful action.

Part of me isn’t entirely convinced we’re not already well into the early stages of what might be some kind of civil conflict. That with all the mass shootings, street brawls, and other violence, we may already be in some kind of “Years of Lead” or “Troubles” or Weimar Republic-esque disorder. If that’s the case, that only reinforces the call to action to make sure that the conflict we may or may not already be in does not progress to more destructive phases – not only destructive for us as people living in this country, but destructive for the effects it would undoubtedly have on the entire world due to the centrality of the United States in its day-to-day affairs. We owe it to not just ourselves, but to all people everywhere out of solidarity.

What are some of the things we can do now? A lot of the things we need to do are things people have already been telling us to do and that we need to double down and commit more to as we move ahead. Getting to know your neighbors and your community and participating in mutual aid; joining, starting, and supporting progressive organizations be they labor unions, advocacy groups for specific topics or general change, or organizations that help people get resources that they may not be able to usually access; participating in direct action and pressure campaigns when necessary; also, while we’ve learned that voting alone doesn’t bring about change, I’d still say that it’s something we cannot ignore as a too (I’m not going to give you an electoralism lecture because I don’t buy into that myself, but voting isn’t a useless gesture and is critical to prevent more backsliding, with some of the progressive victories we’ve seen this year being proof of that).

I know that last paragraph is a very generalized, non-specific list of suggestions. In my defense, at the end of the day, I am still a national security and international relations professional, not a domestic political animal. There are people out there you can and will give you more specific and helpful advice on this front that I can. I just want to make sure that you’re taking home that there is a real urgency to seek out said advice and guidance and act on it. All is not lost, do not despair; but know that the pressure is real and the need for action is real. I leave you with this: all of our lives have intrinsic value; when something has value, you fight to defend it.

Stay safe out there and keep on keeping on.

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tellthemeerkatsitsfine · 2 months

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Over the last year or so, a few of my favourite singers have released new albums, and I’ve been really excited about it, and thought I’ll listen to it and then write a post about it. But every time, I found the albums just a bit disappointing. Not bad or anything – some of them have had great songs on them. But all of them have made me think, this is fun but not as good as some previous stuff they’ve done. I didn’t post about any of them because I don’t need to write a post about an album that’s pretty good. I write about things when I get so excited about them that I just have to share it with someone.

That is some context to keep in mind when I say: holy fuck, the new Grace Petrie album.

It came out two days ago, and I've already listened to it all the way through twice. I try to do that at least once with new albums, as I don't like that the album is becoming a dying art, now that we can just pick and choose the tracks. I mean, 95% of my music listening is done by just picking the tracks I like, but every once in a while I try to listen to an album from start to finish like it's 2004 again, because some albums are meant to be listened to that way, and sometimes you get more out of it in context. I try to, at the very least, do it once when a new album comes out.

This one I did twice in a row, because it felt so much like a coherent album that it seemed worth doing again. The track order seems intentional, starting angry and cynical and political, moving into more personal but depression-based, then into hopeful optimistic cynicism-free love songs, then circling back to the political stuff but this time from a more hopeful perspective. It works so well as an album, and the songs are lovely, and it's been a long time since I've been this excited about a new album.

If you want to listen to the whole album in a row, you can do it here:

youtube

But if you're interested in that, you really should buy it on Bandcamp at the link I posted above, it doesn't cost that much and it's a way to support this kind of music, both directly with your money, and she sends things to her mailing list about how this affects chart position and that affects other things, I don't know how it all works, but I do know that if I like something that's available on Bandcamp I try to buy it on Bandcamp because that supports artists. I mean, I take media for free all the time, I don't pay for any streaming services (besides NextUp) because they're largely shit for both the artist and the consumer, but Bandcamp is actually good for both sides, it's great for the consumer too because they let you download correctly labeled DRM-free MP3s of all the tracks and it's really easy to use. No annoying extra stuff, just a folder with the 11 songs and a JPG of the cover image, which is also the thumbnail of the above YouTube video, which is. I mean. I don't wish to objectify Grace Petrie in a post about her feminist album that was released on International Women's Day, but Jesus Christ.

Anyway. The actual songs are so very good. I think her voice must have gotten even better in recent years, it's always been good but I don't remember being struck this hard, when listening to her previous stuff, by the power of her vocal range. There's also so much going on instrumentally in most songs, but then a couple of lovely stripped back ones near the end, and I like the combination.

I always say with my very favourite music and comedy things, they feel like the person wrote and performed this because they had something they really cared about saying, and not just because it's a new year or a new cycle and they're supposed to be put something out. This feels so much like the former. All these expressions of love and anger and engagement.

Meanwhile in Texas is the song that I've been waiting for someone to release for nearly two years. There was so much anger when Roe v Wade was overturned, but I remember at the time, reading all the stuff and taking in all the ways that artists reacted via some form of art, and none of it felt like it captured the situation enough to give me the vicarious catharsis I was looking for. Grace Petrie's written one that does.

The album starts on a ridiculously high note, I think the first track is probably the one I'll end up listening to on repeat the most times, though it's always hard to tell that when an album is so new. The Best Country in the World, just a classic anti-Tory protest song, where her vocals get to soar in this trademark way that Grace Petrie does so well, but I think it might reach higher heights than ever in this one. It builds and builds into a perfectly placed swear word at the end and I assume this is her new live show closer, right? It has to be. God, I'd love to see another Grace Petrie concert.

I could go through every song and explain why it's so great, but I'll cut the post off here and just say: it's not a long album, it's 11 songs and about 42 minutes in total. Do yourself a favour this International Women's Weekend and listen to it all in one go, it really rewards that. Also buy it on Bandcamp. Trust me. You won't be disappointed.

#Bandcamp

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gubes-sweaters · 2 years

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Unexpected Turns: Chapter 13

Author’s Note: I was going to post this about two weeks ago, but Roe V Wade was very sadly overturned. Since I’m pro-choice, it felt a bit insensitive to post something like this. So if this isn’t your cup of tea because of everything going on currently, I completely understand.

Content Warning(s): Pregnancy, childbirth (if you want to skip that section it's after the third banner and it ends right before the fourth banner), small mention of amniotic fluid

Word Count: 3.8k

Chapter 13: My Little Love

The contractions started late into the night. Spencer was already fast asleep, and you couldn’t get comfortable for the life of you. You were finally asleep when you felt the contractions. At first, they were brushed off as Braxton-Hicks just like last week when you had thought you were going into labor. You were currently a week from your due date, and you couldn’t wait to not be pregnant anymore. You were done with your swollen feet that you could no longer see, and you were finally excited to meet your baby.

When another wave of contractions crashed into you, they felt different from before. You decided to get up and walk around a bit, but when you stood up gravity took hold. You stood for a second in shock thinking “Did my water just break?” You sit on the foot of the bed trying to catch your breath before you lean over and slightly squeeze Spencer’s calf muscle. You try to shake his leg slightly and call out to him to wake him up. Once he wakes up, he shoots up and realizes you were at the bottom of the bed.

“Is everything alright?” He asks before rubbing his eyes and reaching for his glasses.

“I think I’m going into labor, like for real this time,” you say, your voice wobbling for a bit.

“Okay, okay, uhhh-” he mutters to himself before getting up and turning on the bedroom light.

You try to breathe through the aftermath of your contractions as Spencer rushes back over to you.

“How about we count the length of the contractions and the time in between to determine how quickly we need to go to the hospital,” Spencer says, sitting down next to you before he begins rubbing your back.

You rock back and forth as he tries to relieve some lower back pain you’re having. The both of you end up sitting on the edge of the bed working out your plans for an hour as Spencer times your contractions and the time in between them.

“You have fifteen minutes between your contractions. We can take more time if you want,” he says, obviously nervous. He laces his fingers into yours, and you lean your head on his shoulder, thinking about your options.

“I’m going to take a shower, and we’ll go. I should probably call JJ and my mom.”

“Okay, I’m going to grab our hospital bags out of the nursery. If you need me, just shout,” he says, giving you a kiss before helping you up off the bed.

On the way to the hospital, Spencer is clearly more shaken up than you. For some reason, as you had stepped out of the shower, you felt completely calm, which you never had anticipated before. Your mom, JJ, and other people in your life who had a baby said that once they had gone into labor they were pretty calm. You thought you’d be too stressed, but you weren’t. Other than the unnerving pain you felt, cloud your brain a bit, your head was completely clear. Once you got cleaned up, you checked in the nursery to make sure everything was ready for when everyone came home from the hospital. Looking around at the gorgeous nursery that you and Spencer worked so hard to complete, it gave you a sense of peace. Almost as if it was the physical embodiment of all the love and dedication the both of you had already poured into a baby who wasn’t even here yet.

Spencer, on the other hand, was a bit of a wreck. Logically, he knew everything was fine. Based on your contractions and the time it would take to get to the hospital, you guys would get there in plenty of time. All of that information and statistics he had retained throughout your pregnancy, also made him think about all the rare chances of things that could go wrong. He never wanted to think of the absolute worst, so instead, he would peek over his book, that he was pretending to be engrossed in, from the living room. He was staring straight into the nursery from the couch as you folded a few of the newborn baby clothes and stacked diapers and wipes in the drawers beneath the changing table. You weren’t privy to the fact that Spencer was a nervous wreck, you had just thought he was reading a bit while waiting for you.

When you finally walked into the living room he felt a bit more relieved. He got you down to the car which already had the car seat sitting in the back ready. You couldn’t tell if he was shaky and nervous because he barely ever drives or if it’s because you’re in labor, most likely a mix of both.

You just had ended your phone call with JJ and you had already called your mom. JJ is stopping by your apartment to make sure everything is put together one last time because you’re a bit nervous. Your mom had to quickly rebook her flight, and you feel a bit bad because she’s been going back and forth so often to see you. You assume it’s in attempts to fix the broken relationship the two of you had when you moved out here, and you do appreciate the effort.

“While we're waiting in traffic why don’t we finalize our favorite baby names. I have a feeling we won’t know for sure until they’re finally here, and I can see them though,” you said.

“I've been thinking about Atlas for a boy, and for a girl I really like the name Hazel,” Spencer says with a wholesome grin painted on his face, almost as if he was recalling a memory. You tried thinking of where either name had come from that would elicit a reaction like that, but you couldn’t quite remember.

“I love the name, Lillian. I feel like the nickname Lilly is so cute, but Lillian could fit the baby later in life,” you said, reading through a long list of names you were trying to shorten.

“What about a boy's name or a more gender-neutral name?” He asks, looking over at you quickly.

“Well, I like the name Oliver for a boy, but I think it’s a bit overused. I really like the name, Channing. It makes me think of a girl who I went to school with who was super sweet, but it also makes me think of the actor,” you say.

“Who?” Spencer asks.

You take a moment to laugh to yourself because how do you explain the movie ‘Magic Mike’ to Spencer right now. You quickly think of a movie that he may have possibly seen.

“Have I ever had you watch ‘She’s the Man’ with me?”

“No,” he says, thinking for a second.

“Okay, we can watch it when we get home,” you say with a small laugh.

Once you get settled into your hospital room, you are already seven centimeters dilated. Nurses bounced back and forth, coming to check up on you often. With your baby coming only a week early there wasn’t much to worry about, but with the recent stress that has just now dissipated your blood pressure was a bit too high for their liking. You got an epidural and when the pain was finally relieved, all you could feel was the pressure and the baby's movement, and you were so thankful. Even though the epidural gave you the jitters, which apparently was more common than you thought. Spencer sits beside you and rubs your shoulders as you eat ice chips early in the morning.

It’s around ten am by the time you are fully dilated and ready to deliver. At this point, you’re so thankful for getting an epidural. Spencer was able to hold your hand and help you the entire way. He helped brush your hair out of your face and told you how good you were doing.

The nurses and the obstetrician helping to deliver your baby were also super encouraging. You were glad that earlier on in your pregnancy Spencer had pushed for you to find what hospital you wanted to have your baby at. You can see how it’s now to your benefit, even though it wasn’t the closest hospital to you.

When the doctor tells you one last push, you’re out of breath and exhausted. When you stop, you can feel a little movement. For a split second, the entire world feels like it’s come to a halt and anticipation builds, before a tiny cry erupts into the room.

“It’s a boy!” You hear a small shout from one of the nurses just before she sets the crying little baby on your chest.

Spencer was beside you with a wide grin. They swiftly whisk your baby away to clean him up. Spencer looked over at you, and you shooed insisting that you were okay, and you were concerned for your baby. He walked over and peered at the tiny baby who was being swaddled in a pastel blue and white striped blanket.

It was late into the afternoon when JJ came into the hospital room with Will and Henry, who was holding her hand, trotting alongside her. Your little boy who still was missing a name was just now waking up from another nap. Spencer set the book he was reading down when he saw them walking into the room.

Your little boy opens his eyes before scrunching his face up a bit. He gives a big yawn, and you fall in love just a little more. JJ walked up to you very gently with eyes as big as saucers.

“Hi,” she drags out the ‘hi’ in a hushed tone as if she were approaching a wild animal. Too afraid to be too loud or sudden.

“Hey guys,” you respond while slightly maneuvering your son, so he could be better seen, but still comfortable and supported.

“Wow, he looks just like you,” Will chimes in, his southern drawl coming through.

“I know that’s what the nurses said,” you say, smiling proudly at your baby. Spencer comes by your side to admire the little one along with everyone else.

“Can I see?” Henry states, not being quite tall enough. In response, you scoot over slightly and pat the hospital bed. Will then helps Henry up, so he can get a good look at the newborn. Henry just ‘oohs’ and “ahhs” at your son, but he refrains from touching him, almost as if he knows how delicate and precious the newborn is.

After Henry gets a good look and everyone else makes small talk, like most children, he gets bored somewhat fast. Henry proceeds to ask for a snack and since Spencer was the only one who had money for the vending machine, Spencer, Will, and Henry all took off down the hall.

“So, I want to ask you a question,” you state.

“What is it?” JJ responds inquisitively.

“Do you want to be his godmother? You always know if anything ever happened to Henry, Spencer, and I as his godparents would always watch after him. I trust you just the same,” you say with confidence.

“Of course I do! Who's going to be his godfather?” JJ asks.

“Spencer and I talked about it and we're going to ask Morgan when he stops by later,” you respond.

The afternoon was filled with visitors, balloons, teddy bears, and bright smiles. After JJ left, Garcia and Morgan came soon after. Garcia came strutting into the room with a huge smile and a huge teddy bear and Morgan with a big smile and food. You had forgotten how late in the day it was, and you hadn’t eaten much of anything yet. Garcia was more than ready to hold the little baby and while she was occupied Morgan clapped Spencer on the back before giving you the best hug he could. That’s when you and Spencer asked whether he would be his godfather, of course, he said yes.

After Morgan held the baby for a bit, it was just about time for your son to take a nap once again. You also wanted to take a nap, but the baby was just starting to fall asleep on your chest. So you could take a nap without feeling a bit odd leaving him in the cramped bassinet next to your bed, Spencer elected to read to him. It was heartwarming to see your boys lay together. The tiny newborn curled up on his chest while Spencer got comfortable before cracking open a book.

When you woke up from a nap it was very dark outside, but Spencer was still awake with the tiny baby curled up on his chest, but instead of reading, he was admiring your son with a wholesome smile.

“This is a sight I could get used to,” you say, slightly startling him.

“I was thinking. I really like the name Atlas,” you state, smiling at the tiny baby. You glance over and see that he is reading Homer's Odyssey and that’s when the memory hits you.

Rain was slapping against the jet. With every small bump or odd movement of the jet you shivered. You never liked flying and being on a large jet like this for the first time was a bit scary. Of course, it would be your luck that in your first case you had to leave for was across the country. You were already anxious. After all, your phone was blowing up from your boyfriend because you didn’t come home yesterday. You were supposed to, but the weather was even more treacherous last night than it is right now. You were curled up in a seat while most of the team was fast asleep. The only other person awake was Spencer, who had multiple papers sprawled out on the couch.

You peak over at Spencer and his conglomeration of papers. You get up and scoot past JJ, who was fast asleep with a bag of Cheetos resting in her lap.

“Hey,” you say, sitting down next to him. He glances up at you with a shy smile. You two haven’t known each other for long, but he was always sweet from the few interactions the two of you had.

“Sorry I don’t mean to be nosy I’m just a little stressed with flying and my flying companion bailed on me,” you say with a sad laugh, in reference to JJ.

“Oh yeah, I didn’t like flying the first time either. You get used to it. If it’s the turbulence you’re worried about, we’ll be just fine. It’s very rare for a place to crash through turbulence. You know, through 1980 and 2008, the FAA reported only 234 plane crashes, public or otherwise. It’s not common enough to worry about,” he says, gathering a few of his papers before shoving them into the highly worn satchel. He pulls out a book.

“This is The Odyssey in Homeric Greek, but I’d be more than happy to translate it for you. I mean if that’s okay with you. You look like you could use a distraction,” he states.

“That would be nice,” you say with a small smile.

“Did you get that from The Odyssey?” you ask, scooting yourself back up in the bed.

“Yeah,” he says with a small smile. When he smiles at you, you know some things would never change, his smile that makes your heart soar is one of them.

“That sounds perfect,” you respond while mentally recalling the memory of when he read The Odyssey to you.

The next day, you face-timed your mom before her flight out. After breakfast, Hotch stopped by with Jack. Wanting to congratulate you and asking if there was anything either of you needed. Jack was very similar to Henry in that he was very intrigued by the baby at first, but then after a bit, he became bored. After they took off, you took the time to quickly email your dad on your phone, with pictures of your son, who finally had a name after last night.

Emily stopped by with doughnuts for you two. She had said that you were going to give everyone in the BAU baby fever because he was so adorable. She wanted to see him before she took off for a small vacation with her girlfriend Fiona. You wished her a good trip and told her to tell Fiona she said hi.

Finally, your mother arrived, and it was safe to say she was enamored with the tiny baby. She got excited to hold her grandchild.

“Ohh I can’t wait to see you all the time!” She says while rocking the infant.

“What do you mean?” You ask her with a frown on your face.

“Marcus got a job offer in Maryland, and I was looking at this beautiful house in Montgomery County,” she says with pride. You immediately want to throw yourself out the nearest window. Montgomery County, Maryland borders Virginia, and that’s a bit too close for your liking

“Mom the houses out there… I mean it’s pretty pricey,” you say.

“I know, but we’ll go half on the house. Plus, I’m not looking to live in a mansion, so what’s the harm,” she says, making faces at your baby. You just give her a silent nod before moving on to the conversation.

If you could roll your eyes anymore, you would. This was one of the biggest problems the two of you had when you were a child. She had to be the center of attention or at least take all the credit when you were the center of attention. You couldn’t tell if she was living vicariously through you or if she was just jealous. She also lived beyond her means so often, dipping into the savings account your father and her used to share. You hope she isn’t rushing with this boyfriend and moving in quickly just so she could move closer to you.

You were comfortable with her being here often or even going back home to visit her, but living so close to Virginia makes you want to roll your eyes until they fall out of your head. You just try to placate her for the time being since you don’t need an argument when she’s holding your newborn baby.

After a bit, she drops the conversation, now steering it towards more mundane and easy conversations. She does that until the baby inevitably gets hungry and when he does, she finally hands him back to you. You feed him and burp him before finding a way to politely get her to leave. You just use nap time as an excuse.

Soon after, a nurse came in and checked on you. Stating she came by earlier, but didn’t want to intrude with visitors. After she checked up on you and saw Atlas sound asleep, she said everything was fine, and you could go home tomorrow. Afterward, Spencer got in the hospital bed with you. The both of you tried watching a movie on your laptop, but you weren’t able to focus.

“What’s wrong?” Spencer says, pausing the movie.

“My mom,” you say with a huge huff. He gives you a small inquisitive expression, silently asking you to elaborate further.

“She’s just always had this thing where she butts herself into everything I do. To be honest, the only time I’ve ever had any piece was when I dated Jo because she hated him. Everything I’ve ever done is because she wanted me to do like pageants, competition dance, softball, soccer… which was only because JJ played soccer. She was all about appearances and moving to Virginia was my escape I guess,” you say with a tired look on your face.

“I’m sorry sweetheart,” he says before he kisses your temple.

The two of you sit in silence as you look over at the small baby. Spencer follows your gaze over to the infant who was sound asleep in the bassinet next to the hospital bed.

“I just want to go home,” you say.

“Me too,” he says before turning more towards you and wraps his arms snugly around you, burying your face in his chest.

In the morning you diligently signed papers as Spencer packed your bags up. He dashed down to the car to put everything in quickly. It was fair to say the both of you were antsy to get home and spend the next couple of weeks together. You feed your son as you look out the window admiring the cloudy sky as it starts to drizzle. You sit back in the hospital bed one last time and relax. You look up at the TV that was across the room, squinting your eyes to see the news coverage. When you see a familiar face, you quickly turn the sound up. It was the chief of police making a small statement about four officers being fired in relation to the “recent string of murders” as he called it, but it was so much more than that. Not wanting to upset yourself, you decided to turn it off.

After your son was finished eating, you clipped the strap back to the nursing bra and threw a hoodie you had packed on. Soon after, Spencer came back, albeit slightly out of breath, but he was back nonetheless. He helped you put Atlas into the baby carrier and put a small hat on him that Garcia crocheted herself. Two of the nurses who helped look after you guys the past two days came to quickly say goodbye and coo over the cute baby one last time.

When the two of you stepped out into the chilly air, you tucked the baby blanket from the hospital a little closer to his tiny body. You lifted your baby out of his carrier and Spencer went around to the other side of the car to put it in the back seat. You strap him into his car seat, making sure to be delicate. After you’re finished, you ask Spencer if everything looks secure, and he agrees before walking over to the driver's seat. You offered to drive, but he insisted.

You place a gentle kiss on his cheek. You were trying to say so much with a simple kiss. You were trying to convey how much you appreciate him and all of your love for him. Judging by the way he turns to look at you with wide eyes that mirror your adoration for him, he understood.

Taglist: @striving4averagegirl @measure-in-pain @tvandfanfic @haylaansmi @rexorangecouny @sophiario

#crimnal minds #criminalminds #criminal minds fanfic #criminal minds fanfiction #dr spencer reid #spencer reid #spencer reid fanfic #spencer reid fanfiction #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid x you #spencer reid x y/n #spencer reid angst #spencer reid fluff #spencer reid imagine #mgg #mgg x reader #matthew gray gubler #unexpected turns series #stellas writing

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souryogurt64 · 2 years

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Unsourced quote from a 29 year old male musician going around with 24k notes about how social media has suddenly made teenagers evil harassers only in the last 3 years and parents need to take phones from their kids because all of the sudden out of nowhere people are harassing musicians due to misguided attempts at social justice. All of the comments on this post are positive saying he's right and they love him. Find and read the interview and he's talking about how, seemingly for no reason, he and other musicians he's friends with are being heckled at shows because of evil teens who shouldn't have phones and their evil social media rotting their brains with social justice propaganda.

All this sets off a very bad feeling so I Google his name because I don't know who he is and one of the top results is a grooming accusation. The individual (who is transmasc) was 16 when they became a fan and was 18 and therefore technically an adult when they made contact, and the musician was in his mid-20s, but it's obvious he knew this relationship was inappropriate as he made comments about "feeling like a creep" and the other party being "mature" for their age.

Anyway a guy in a rock band is not automatically entitled to quiet reverence from every person he meets or performs for because he thinks he is god's gift to humanity cause he plays guitar. Girls in bands like The Slits were raped and stabbed trying to tour and perform because of the opinions they had and because they wanted to exist in the same places as guys. They didn't shit their pants and cry because some teenagers they and their friends were shitty to booed during their set and were annoying on Twitter.

After the Riot Grrrl movement there was a backlash against feminism so strong girls were getting gang-raped in public during sets like Limp Bizkit and Korn and no one did anything. Obviously on a national scale Roe v Wade got overturned, but in terms of rock music, the writing has been on the wall-- Netflix made a show about Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee and conveniently did not depict the part where she filed for divorce because he repeatedly kicked her while she held their newborn baby, Rolling Stone is obviously siding with All Time Low and planned to the entire time, bands like Brand New are making a comeback, and people have started to shamelessly say things to me that wouldn't have flown at all a couple years ago like ask me to interview a known white supremacist or confidently tell me they're proud to announce Shane Dawson is a huge influence on them or they're excited to share with their fans they are touring with a guy that beat his girlfriend so badly she was hospitalized. Plus there's Billie Joe Armstrong quietly following Johnny Depp on Instagram after his piece of shit son sexually abused a 17 year old.

Most dire I think was the Astroworld thing-- eight people died, including a nine year old child, and even though it wasn't explicitly a women's issue a cameraman threatened to kill or seriously injure a young woman who was begging and pleading for help because people were dying because he assumed she was just hysterical and wanted attention and what she had to say didn't matter, and her life and other peoples lives, including that of a nine year old, mattered less than stopping some coked-up ego-stroking bro-fest for a couple minutes. Especially since Travis Scott had a history of encouraging crowd violence at shows.

I'm not linking the post or saying who because I don't particularly want drama over some band or guy or whatever he is I've never heard of, especially since I know I listen to, and post incessantly about, plenty of "problematic" rock musicians that are also shitty misogynists and have done terrible things. But people on here need to be smarter and think critically about what they're reblogging, who they're agreeing with, and what rhetoric they're spreading when they reblog posts like that and how that rhetoric contributes to the massive feminist backlash that's happening right now. Every Tumblrina on here screams and cries and acts so shocked and appalled when Roe v Wade gets overturned and like they never saw it coming but they spent years reblogging blatant antifeminist and anti-choice rhetoric like hand-wringing posts about women who get abortion for the "wrong" reasons and how the "wrong" feminists focus on the "wrong" issues like focusing on "choices" and how cringe feminism is because of "some" feminists.

People need to be smarter, especially before they reblog a post from a 29 year old saying parents need to isolate their kids and take away their Internet access because he's throwing a temper tantrum after the teenager he behaved inappropriately with (and the teenagers his friends behaved inappropriately with) are standing up for themselves instead of treating him with reverence and worship and enabling him to do whatever he wants because he's bigger and older and in a rock band. People need to pay attention to what rhetoric they're spreading, especially when it's a loser like that crying about icky social justice warriors on Twitter. You guys are all so stupid it hurts

#also that dumbshit was saying they shouldnt have been online during covid #bro SCHOOL was online

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nottskyler · 1 year

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I couldn’t sleep last night and part of the time I was upset about the Church’s press release related to the overturning of Roe v Wade and the abortion law that took effect in Utah (which has very secret combination vibes because the average person did not think it would be overturned and this law passed without my hearing about it two years before it took effect). I know it’s a very passé topic, but I’m going to try to put my feelings into coherent words.

1) President Nelson is a doctor and should know better than to speak on a field that is not his expertise. OBGYNs and people who have worked in fertility know very well that having a fertilized egg is not what makes a baby. Yes, it is an important ingredient, but number of fertilized eggs doesn’t not equal how many babies you get. It’s not when life starts or people with uteruses would have no hope of being exalted because of how many fertilized eggs our bodies reject. Saying fertilization is when life begins is an insult to everyone with a uterus who struggles with fertility. (And a flat out lie with our current medical knowledge)

2) Life begins at fertilization is not the official Church stance and speaking during a press release as the head of the Church is attempting to change doctrine without going through the proper process (unanimous vote by counsel of prophet and apostles which should include their wives). Abortion is banned because it is “like unto” murder, not because it actually is. Saying life starts at fertilization changes the crime of abortion to be more akin to murder.

3) Regardless of all of the above, the Church is supposed to support religious freedom. We live in an era where a lot of beliefs are not part of an organized religion, but that doesn’t mean they don’t deserve to have the same rights as people belonging to an organized religion. Abortion is considered vital for women to be equal in society by the majority of Americans. The Church should not be rejoicing in restricting the agency of a large group to live according to their beliefs. It goes against religious freedom, but of course the institution of the Church only supports “religious freedom” which is actually forcing others to live according to my beliefs even if they believe differently.

4) One of the main reasons the Church is not terrible for expecting its members to not have abortions is because of the social safety net that the Church provides. If you can’t afford a doctor, your ward leadership will step in to pay for it and even drive you. If you can’t afford housing, the Church will help you get housing and gainful employment to pay for it. Ward members will help and give free childcare. Unless the Church plans on using its $100 billion to make sure no one lives in poverty, it has no room to expect people outside the Church to live its beliefs (if you ignore the whole religious freedom stuff we supposedly support).

5) Everyone takes for granted how dangerous and risky pregnancy and childbirth are. Yes, we all are because someone took that risk, but people should be allowed to opt out of that risk because medical knowledge has advanced to allow that. Pregnancy is rough. I know media loves cryptic pregnancy stories, but that is the exception instead of the rule. HG is the absolute worst and no one should be forced to go through 9 months of that. And no one should risk their life giving birth if they don’t want to, especially people who already have children to take care of (who also likely know the risks better than before having their first kid as they’ve already gone through it).

6) The whole multiply and replenish the earth stuff works a lot better by persuasion than by force and the scriptures literally say that forcing people to keep commandments means amen to your priesthood (sorry President Nelson, your power diminished by supporting someone forcing people to do something). Living wage, housing first homeless programs, accessible childcare and healthcare, better air quality and communities (ie not car dependent), etc will do so much more to convince people to keep surprise pregnancies than making it illegal to get an abortion. I think a lot of people would have more children if the world was better, but nobody wants to listen to that.

So yeah, the Church needs to do a lot of repenting, including President Nelson. It’s wrong to deny abortions because you think pregnancy is as easy as getting fat and ejaculating and are privileged enough to not see the extent of poverty and how it ruins families. Investing in artificial wombs will do more for birth rates than any abortion ban (as it won’t change the birth rate whereas abortion bans will cause women to opt to be sterilized rather than deal with an unwanted pregnancy). And by their fruits you shall know them, letting young girls die from pregnancy and childbirth is a pretty rotten fruit.

#queerstake #abortion

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samwisethewitch · 2 years

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The Day Our Grandmothers Warned Us About

Just a head's up: this isn't going to be as polished as my usual blog posts. I didn't plan this post in advance, so this is kind of just a stream-of-consciousness thing to help me process what's going on right now. Apologies for any factual or grammatical errors.

Today is a really weird day for me. I finished my bachelor's degree this morning, alone on my couch at 9:00 AM. But the fact that I just completed my undergrad has kind of been overshadowed, because I woke up this morning to the news that the Supreme Court is drafting a decision to overturn Roe v. Wade.

(I think there's some confusion about what "drafting a decision" means: has the Court made a decision or not? Justice Alito's draft is of a majority opinion, which means the Court has already voted and that the result of the vote was to overturn Roe and Casey. However, during the drafting process they'll continue discussion, and it's not unheard of for Justices to change their votes during this process. But I'll be honest, I don't think that's likely given the current, right-leaning makeup of the Court.

TLDR: The decision isn't official yet, so there will be no immediate changes to US law, but it's unlikely that any of the Justices will change their vote, so we will almost definitely see Roe overturned in the next two months.)

Can I be honest for a second? I'm really scared.

Roe v. Wade being overturned used to be a "that could never happen" scenario for me. Changes to Supreme Court law are really, really infrequent, and they typically require some sort of new argument that shines a new light on the case. There are no new arguments in the abortion debate. It's been at a standstill literally since the Middle Ages. We've all heard all of the talking points before.

Roe and Casey have also provided a convenient rallying point for conservatives. It's been a very easy moral appeal for political candidates -- claiming you want to fight abortion basically guarantees you the white, evangelical vote, but because it's a Supreme Court issues there's historically been very little individual politicians could do about it. It's an empty promise that you never have to fulfill.

Just a few years ago, the general consensus among political scholars (at least according to my college political science classes) was that Republicans didn't actually want to overturn Roe because they would lose their easy appeal to single-issue, anti-abortion voters. Basically, it was all talk. That, like a lot of things about how American politics used to work, has gone out the window with the birth of the Trump-style Far Right and Alt-Right movements.

And now, for the second time in 18 months, I'm watching my phone for updates on news stories that don't feel like they could possibly be real. First it was the attack on the US Capitol by alt-right insurrectionists on January 6th, 2021. And now it's the largest step backwards for bodily autonomy since before my parents were born.

And it's not just about abortion. Reproductive justice has never just been about abortion.

entalIt's about my right, and the right of every person regardless of gender or anatomy, to decide if, when, and under what circumstances they want to have children. This includes the right to prevent pregnancy with birth control, the right to get pregnant if/when we want to, and the right to needed fertility treatments. It's the right to adoption, surrogacy, and paid parental leave. It's the right to freedom from forced sterilization and to adequate medical care. It's the rights to comprehensive sex education and to give birth in the way we want to. And yes, it's the right to terminate a pregnancy.

When Roe is overturned, thousands of Americans are going to lose some or all of those rights. I'll probably be one of them.

I live in Georgia, which infamously passed a "heartbeat bill" in 2020 that banned abortion after six weeks. (For the record, many people don't even realize they're pregnant that early.) The bill was ultimately ruled to be unconstitutional, but Georgia still has a strong anti-abortion policy, including requiring people seeking abortion to get counseling specifically designed to discourage them before they can get the procedure, and only providing pubic funding for abortion in cases of "life endangerment," rape, or incest.

In September, 2021, Texas passed Senate Bill 8, its own version of the heartbeat bill, which effectively banned abortion after six weeks and, for some extra dystopian flare, offers a $10,000 bounty to any Texas citizen who reports anyone who helps a pregnant person obtain an abortion -- including by helping them travel to another state where the procedure is legal. Several states have "trigger bans" on the books that will go into effect as soon as Roe v. Wade is overturned, many of which ban abortion completely. I wouldn't be surprised if Georgia's heartbeat bill makes a comeback.

See, here's the thing: the Supreme Court's decision doesn't ban abortion on a national level, but it gives states the ability to decide their own laws, up to and including a total ban. Theoretically, that should mean that a pregnant person in a state like Texas could travel to a state like Colorado, which has state-level abortion protections. But conservative states are getting around this by following Texas's lead and mobilizing citizens to crack down on out-of-state abortions.

In the pre-Roe days, Americans who wanted to terminate their pregnancies and could afford to travel went to other countries to get safe, legal abortions -- like Sherri Finkbine, a television host who famously went to Sweden to get an abortion after being exposed to thalidomide. Under policies like Texas's, even this could be subject to punishment.

And frankly, if that doesn't sound like some dystopian horror shit, I don't know what does.

I am very lucky in that I have never needed or wanted an abortion. I have medical insurance that covers my preferred method of birth control. Birth control works really well for me, without many side effects. And I want kids! I want to be pregnant someday! And I am still fucking terrified.

I don't talk about it often, but I have a reproductive disorder that can cause various pregnancy complications, including a 300% higher chance of miscarriage and a higher risk of preeclampsia, which can be life-threatening. There is a chance that any eventual pregnancy of mine will be high risk. Which means I'll need healthcare -- and I may not be able to get that care without Roe v. Wade.

Let's talk for a second about incomplete miscarriage. That's when a pregnancy is miscarried, but the body can't pass the dead embryo or fetus on its own. It's horrific, and if left untreated it can cause an infection or sepsis. If the body doesn't pass the tissue on its own, the pregnant person will need treatment in the form of a dilation and curettage (D&C) surgery or by taking misoprostol, aka "the abortion pill." Except... both of those treatments are technically abortions, and because of that are banned in states like Texas.

It's currently illegal in Texas for doctors to give misoprostol to patients who are more than seven weeks pregnant. And under Texas's new laws, doctors are unable to offer D&Cs unless a patient is quote, "in danger of death or a serious risk of substantial impairment of a major bodily function." That means that, even in the case of an incomplete miscarriage, pregnant people have to wait until they get sick enough to be considered in danger of death -- and by that point, it may be too late.

Let's recap: I have a medical condition that, among other things, increases my chance of miscarriage if I get pregnant. Since between 10% and 20% of all known pregnancies end in miscarriage, and I'm three times more likely to miscarry, that's a 30-60% chance. Let's split the difference and call it a 45% chance that I'll miscarry my (planned and wanted) pregnancy. And it's highly likely that, by the time I'm ready to stat trying for that pregnancy, my state will have passed laws making it illegal for my doctor to treat my miscarriage.

So, when my partners and I decide we're ready for kids, there's almost a 1-in-2 chance that I will miscarry my first pregnancy, and my doctor may be severely limited in how they are able to help me.

If that happens my options will be: 1. Wait it out and hope my body passes the fetus on its own before infection sets in; 2. Schedule an appointment in a state where abortion is still legal and hope I don't go into labor on the plane ride there; or 3. Attempt a "self-induced" or "DIY" abortion. Option 1 is dangerous and could lead to serious health problems, a loss of fertility, or death. Option 2 is expensive and traumatic. Option 3 is dangerous and traumatic, and although it's technically legal in Georgia, I could still be arrested on other charges like improper handling of human remains.

Oh, and if I go with Option 2 or 3, I'll have to do it without help if Georgia has passed Texas-style abortion laws. Under those laws, anyone who helps a pregnant person obtain an abortion can be sued, even if they were using legal means to get one. So if my partner goes with me to a clinic in another state, or even drives me to the airport, they could potentially be punished. If they help me with a self-induced abortion or take care of my while I'm recovering, they could be sued for assisting in an abortion -- even though the abortion was legal.

Those are the legal, probably-legal, and semi-legal options. There's also always underground abortion providers, which may or may not be safe and definitely aren't legal.

What did our mothers and grandmothers do before Roe v Wade? Frankly, they died. They died from being forced to carry dangerous pregnancies to term. They died from sepsis from untreated miscarriages. They died from unsafe, illegal abortions and from DIY procedures gone wrong. And it is fucking horrifying that, in 2022, we're going back to that.