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zeep-xanflorp · 7 months

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rambling about the rick-unity-wong talk bc i'm upset about it

r: look, it's clear you weren't lying when you said you could've taken over earth because your finger just took over america. i need you to help me fix that.

u: oh, it took that to make you believe me?

r: why should i believe you? you show up unannounced and hijack a state.

u: i called you! multiple times! you ghosted me.

so there are two ways i think you can read rick not believing unity. one is that he believed it was trying anything to stay in proximity to rick even though he was asserting boundaries, or two, he did actually believe it but wanted to deal with the situation on his own or just wanted it gone. either way, he didn't want to be around it.

then there's the part about rick ghosting it. like okay yes. unity tried giving rick a heads up but the fact is that it knew rick wasn't answering its calls. it Knew rick wouldn't know it was there unless it made a big deal about it being there and that's what it did. it literally showed up without permission and assimilated a whole state on rick's home planet, in rick's country. just to get his attention.

w: rick, is that true?

r: she dumped me. why would i answer her calls?

and now we get a blatant explanation for why rick was ignoring unity. i imagine it would've been clear enough anyway without this explanation but rick is still upset from being broken up with. so he decided to ghost it with no explanation, cutting it off entirely.

w: alright, i'm going to commit a cardinal sin in couples therapy here, but rick, i think you're wrong. [..] you had an outer-space lady who was worried for your life and your response was hostile enough to cause a huge problem.

u: thank you.

w: now you're asking her to both forgive you and solve it?

now, the mistake wong makes here is assuming she knows the full story. obviously she's smart and i think she gave her best analysis based on what she knows of the situation, but in her ignorance she fails to listen to rick, her patient.

the whole theme of this episode is rick asserting his boundaries. he doesn't want to see unity because last time he did it ended catastrophically for him. he's not ignoring it out of pettiness but as a defence mechanism. a coping strategy. and when it decided to follow through with its plan of coming to america anyway, destroying the boundaries rick had in place, it made him lash out.

rick also has a tendency to self sabotage when things are going well for him, whether he realises it or not. he abuses morty when they get too close. he made unity party with him instead of doing its duties. his actions push people away, keeping them at arms length.

i believe his boundaries are in place to prevent these episodes of self sabotage. so when they get ignored and discarded, he goes back into that mindset.

and wong, who would be aware of this at least vaguely, blames unity's actions on rick ignoring it which is not fair in the slightest imo.

w: unity, i think the reason rick brought me here is that he doesn't know how to indicate to you he's changed. because he's changing very slowly. but he is.

now this is something i had trouble understanding bc i am a shameful rick apologist at the best of times and couldn't remember what he actually did wrong. his crime in this instance was when he was distracting unity from its work, influencing it to drink and party all the time and avoid its responsibilities. this became too much for it, especially when it saw how rick used the same methods to detach himself from his family.

so it broke up with him, leaving him to spiral into the worst mental state we as the audience have personally seen him in in present day - his suicide attempt. unity doesn't know about that, and i'm guessing wong doesn't either, because all rick needed to say to wong was that their breakup ended horribly for him so being around it is difficult for him and maybe she would've understood more. but no that's too much vulnerability for old man sanchez.

rick has changed since then. i imagine he better understands why unity left him. i also think he knows that it wants the best for him but struggles with accepting that. that's what led to this mess of a situation.

he feels hurt from being abandoned. it feels hurt that rick couldn't understand why it left. and all of this culminated in a messy situation where unity acted drastically to get rick's attention, and rick in his stubbornness and pain refused to accept it.

and so. i think wong spoke too quickly. i think she definitely knows rick's patterns and is right to call him out but made an unfair judgement on only him because even she expects the worst from him. he is changing, but she is encouraging unity not to give him a second chance because he's not there yet. when really that decision should be up to unity.

even though it does take agency at the end. after unity releases america from its hold, we get this absolutely heartbreaking scene between it and rick.

r: i trust you now.

u: that's nice. but i don't trust you.

unity turns rick's lack of trust in it back at him, and it's telling the truth. it feels betrayed by rick's actions in this episode because it only wanted to make sure rick was alright. to it, rick seems to be punishing unity for caring about him.

anyway in conclusion. rick is mentally ill, wong was a little too harsh on him in this episode bc it's a complex situation, and unity will act drastically if it can't get rick's attention. it's unfair to blame it all on rick in this case (even though things are normally his fault) bc while he did act immaturely in response, he wasn't the only one that escalated the conflict so drastically.

this is not a refined analysis. i might fix it later but no promises.

#rick and morty meta #rick and morty #rick sanchez #rick n morty #r&m #rnm #rick c 137 #rick c137 #rick #rick and morty spoilers #rick and morty season 7 #rick and morty season 7 spoilers #unity #dr wong #air force wong

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soda-boots · 11 months

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Nearer to Thee

Album - Titanic Rising - Weyes Blood

Song right now - A Lot's Gonna Change

Haleemah told me she doesn't want to me to care about her and that really hurt me. I don't even know how to feel but just sad. This coupled with that dumb argument I had with Alicia a few weeks ago, I always just seem to push people away. I don't know how to pick a battle and I always seem to just be in the wrong constantly. Does that mean I just am always wrong.

Song - Andromeda

I don't even know how to interpret that except from harshly. Maybe it is a sin that a friendship has run its course. She said sometimes I'm very condescending and that definitely is a problem. I need to make a conscious effort to be more nicer and more kind when talking to people or maybe I shouldn't bother becoming close to people. There's no need to ever get in disagreements (what's the point it just makes things unnecessary tense).

I'm really enjoying this song.

I'm ready in try

I think I should take time to look inwards and reflect on why I push people away like this. Why do I feel the need to voice an opinion, negative or positive ? What's the point in being snarky even if unintentional ? Everyone says I'm so monotone and rude and have an odd sense of humour? Is this some sort of defence mechanism or am I truly just intrinsically a horrible person. Someone who just struggles to be normal in this way. To make and then keep friends. I"m so over this.

song - everyday

Then again love's not easy

I don't feel like I want to do this anymore. Tears keep streaming out of my eyes. Maybe I rely to much on people for emotional attachment and that's why it hurts so much when they disagree with me. Maybe I fail to see how I make people feel so when they do get cross I don't fully realise and so I keep going lacking the foresight of how unnecessary and aggravating it is to them. Am I so cold?

The idea just flashed in my mind of maybe Haleemah is going to or has apologised for what she said, but why should they. Why should they apologise for how they feel. I upset them and I now face the repercussions for it.

song - something to believe

and at night I just lay down and cry

the waters don't really go by me

Why can't I seem to keep a good friend without an occasional argument. I just wish I was just different from how I am now. How do I change myself ? Someone tell me. Someone please just help me be better. God help me.

I stay quiet and it's a problem. I voice my opinions and its a problem in my friendships. What's that happy middle ?

I just noticed that the Titanic rising cover is a actually a bedroom submerged and that there is a women in there. I never noticed that before. Previously I just thought it was some abstract art. It's so weird that that just came to my vision.

I feel trapped in the underwater room that is my off-putting personality.

My aunt mentioned that 'at my big age I don't have a girlfriend'. I don't want to always go back to this but it seems to be a reoccurring theme. I just fail to hold people on. To attract them and keep them long enough to stay. I'm so dramatic but this whole event hurts me so much.

song - Movies

Some people watch until they explode

It feels like some societal failure that I can't seem to get a partner and that no one has ever wanted me. Not my own friends, not strangers . My family a lot of the time, I always seem to just be always reprimanded for being myself. It feels like maybe I am just wrong. I genuinely mean this when I say it. No one else is to blame but myself for how outcasted I am. It's not a case of oh I haven't found my own people. I might just need to better hold myself to be better palatable I need to change, to be better.

I loved the ends of 'Movies'; for a lack of better words it was so cinematic. I need to be a better person. Lord guide me into being better.

Song : Mirror forever

You threw me out of the garden of eden

you lift me up just to fall me hard

[...]

I'll see you around the next time you come to town

This definitely feels like the end of a friendship, and that may just be me being melodramatic. Maybe tomorrow will come around and we'll still be friends, and this will just be me being a emotional wuss who likes to write self absorbed drivel about how horrible they are in a weird self-harmy attempt to regulate and work through their feeling. is this even a healthy coping mechanism or a self-pleasuring one.

'oh baby take a look in the mirror'

I might stop here, but I don't know yet. I still want to finish this album as I'm really enjoying it.

song- wild time

'Let these changes make you more holy and true'

Is it a wild time if I always seem to get myself back in these situations. Edit: Is it self harm to check if you message me? I should stop.

I need to stop lending my charger because now my laptop is about to die and I have no way to charge it.

song - Picture me better

I've always been like I want to write more and Ellis mentioned something about that but I can't remember what exactly what (strange)

Tell you how much you're adored/ There is no point anymore/ Waiting for the call from beyond

I'm on the final track. I should write more happy stuff. I should write about 15th July and the day I had with Jack. That might be fun to write about and no existential dread stuff allowed and no crying neither.

doing : Nearer to Thee

is such a beautiful instrumentation piece and a wonderful closer. I'm replaying it and I must say strings always get me going, always.

#andromeda #weyesblood #titanic rising #diary #musings #drivel

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mintmoth · 2 years

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Okay so I just finished chap 4 and as the resident scarabia appreciator I figured you would be the best person to word vomit my ideas to (You don't have to answer this if you don't want to)

But like the drama the betrayal, god it was so good

Like I can understand both sides of the story. I get why Jamil snapped as hard as he did, but god when Kalim started begging to Jamil to tell him that what Octotrio exposed wasn't true BROKE ME. It dosent help I kinda relate to Kalim in the sense I tend to worry if Im being "too much" for people so seeing Jamil call him obnoxious and crap, albeit not in the right headspace, really struck a chord with me. God I want them to be happy/friendly with each other again tho TWST please let them-

But honestly after that my brain has been fixated on a potential Kalim overblot. I don't know how it would happen (probably some trauma he keeps under his cheery facade like another guy we know *stares at Cater*), though I have an idea that during his overblot he pushes everyone away. Hes not angry at anyone or anything but hes scared and he dosent want to put anymore of what should be HIS responsibilities on anyone, ESPECIALLY if Jamil is present.

Like the potential angst has not left my brain help me-

OKAY BUT I ABSOLUTELY DO WANT TO ANSWER THIS (also because I am sick and cannot do much aside from be on my phone when I am actually awake l m a o)

So firstly yes holy crap I believe book 4 hits so hard because it is so deeply sad from both sides of things. It's very easy for people to look at both Jamil and Kalim and understand them and their actions, feeling pushed so hard and made to be responsible and care for others, as well as loving people deeply and the play into the insecurities of ultimately being resented by those you love most

All of the books have people pushed past their breaking points and trauma spilling to the surface but god book 4 is this horrible open wound of desperation and heartbreak

I also deeply want them to be able to move forward being healthier about their relationship and actually building a friendship because like, they do have fun together off and on after book 4, Jamil's anger is mostly misdirected from the position he's been forced into, and they're both able to actively talk better about things between the two of them- idk I know we'll never get to fully see how they grow and change but I really do stand by me saying that I believe both of them have the ability to bring about change within their families when they are finally able to hold their own positions

But on to the second part here, absolutely Kalim has so much traumatic shit he's dealing with. Like since he was a child he's had adults trying to full on actually murder him. Like he makes little jokes in passing about being kidnapped or poisoned and such, and how it's made him hard to take by surprise so it's played off as a joke, but SERIOUSLY?? That is so much emotional damage to just have to play off for laughs, but sometimes all you can do is laugh in order to not fully process it

Kalim has shown to be a people pleaser and to meet everyone as if they're a friend, and it's a wonderful trait on his part but due to his past it's also probably a defence mechanism in a way. I'm reading a little deep here but honestly, imagine you've been kidnapped more times then you can count, had more attempts on your life then you can recall, had to witness your childhood friend fall into a coma because they were poisoned in an attempt to murder you specifically- like Kalim is a walking target that nearly everyone he meets could be attempting to take a swing at. But he doesn't shy away or meet people with an overt caution, no. He meets everyone with this overwhelming friendliness. He makes himself not a threat to others, and he makes potential threats his friends. How better to be kept safe then to be surrounded by people who care about you? To remove the idea of threats by being someone people can see the good within, someone to eat, drink, and be merry with? What good would come from harming someone who treats you so well

And I'm not saying this would be an intentional act on his part, no. I'm not sure he's even aware of how people pleasing he is outside of the thought, "other people have more problems then me, so why would I bother them with mine". He's just grown up unable to trust nearly anyone and as such is navigating through life doing what he does best, having fun and living in the moment, making friends and surrounding himself with people he doesn't need to be afraid of

But that's also why Jamil's betrayal hits so much harder, as he's the one person in Kalim's life that Kalim has never had to fear or doubt for even a moment. Jamil has always been a safe haven, an olive branch amongst the knives. And Kalim finds out Jamil has been sitting within a growing well of resentment and anger this entire time

And it is absolutley heartbreaking

And yes, it's played for laughs with Kalim not understanding after that Jamil is still upset, or that they cannot just magically be on even footing, but a lot of aspects of Kalim are consistently played for laughs. It's hard for people to take you seriously when you cannot even take yourself seriously

So absolutely if he were to overblot it would be less of him lashing out at people around him and more of him lashing out at himself. All of those feelings he laughs off and pushes away in favor of smiling and joking with others, them all bubbling to the surface in a way he could not even begin to contain

Having Kalim overblot would be genuinely absolutley harrowing to witness

#ask #anonymous #twisted wonderland #twst wonderland #twst #kalim al asim #twst kalim

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embrassemoi · 3 years

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Surrounded by the Moon and Stars ✷ 18

Pairings: Sirius B, Remus L, [F]Reader CW: mentions of abuse, throwing up, depression, horrible coping mechanisms, implied sexual references A/N: Read CW for this chap.

【 Masterlist: Previous Chapter | Next Chapter 】

Chapter 18: Love Isn’t a Magic Potion

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February 14th, 1976

There wasn’t quite another person like James Potter who knew what unrequited love felt like.

After years of harbouring feelings for Lily, making a fool of himself, his failed attempts of trying to impress her; she never seemed to take interest. Lily always sent him disgusted looks, never passing up the opportunity to call him a dirty arrogant toe-rag.

And sure, it phased him sometimes; her words cutting deep, but despite it all, James still believed in the fairytales, the sparks, the magic of true love, finding your soulmate — your better half. His parents were his main inspiration for love. Years — decades they’d been together and still, the love they held for one another, so fierce and unstoppable, it even shocked James at times.

A long time ago, when he truly understood the concept of love, he made a promise that he wouldn’t settle for anything but for the fairytales, the sparks, the magic of true love, finding his soulmate — his better half.

He wanted all of it. The good days, the bad days, the glitter and sparkles, the cheesy one-liners; long walks on the beach, nursing them back to health after they caught the flu, watching the sunsets, dancing in the rain — even the stupid petty arguments. He wanted all of it.

No matter how long it took to find them, he would; after all, everyone had their person.

Maybe that’s why he chased after Lily for so long — hoping for that romantic love — the love that’s made for movie screens — the type of love that conquered all. But he wouldn’t continue to beat on a dead horse, especially if Lily didn’t want that.

He wouldn’t force her and certainly, he wouldn’t harass her.

But, James would consider himself lucky, he found his friends — they were already his platonic soulmates and he’d go to the ends of the earth for each of them. His parents, the Marauders, Marlene, now Whiskers; he was always surrounded by only the purest amount of love.

He was never a person to cover up his emotions — hardly, that is. He wore his heart proudly on his sleeve, never once letting others dictate his life and the way that he loved. He laid himself bare, open, and there was a beauty to it that words couldn’t describe.

Love truly conquered all, whether it be romantic or platonic.

But to the women that fell in love with Sirius Black, well — there wasn’t quite another group of people like them who knew what unrequited love felt like — not even James ‘Oi, Evans!’ Potter could compare.

Love is shit.

Love is cruel.

Love is unfair.

Sirius would go on date after date. One fleeting look and soon enough, he had women at his feet, falling for his devilish charm that captivated them in seconds.

They swooned over his chiselled jaw and thick glossy hair; eyes so mysterious with profound, moonlit mirth. The epicanthic folds highlighted his sharp and pointed look that they swore cut through them, searching through the deepest part of their souls.

He was a part or used to be a part of the oldest and most noble Pureblood families in the country. He was rich, of high status, French, could speak five languages and a mischievous bad boy straight out of your classic Muggle film.

Falling in love with Sirius Black was an easy task, so simple and it could happen in a blink of an eye. The realization would come either fast or slow depending on the poor lovesick git who let themselves fall.

But getting Sirius Black to return that affection was an impossible task.

He was raised as a gentleman and would play the part before becoming bored. They were all fillers, the people he dated.

He would admit it, he’s a bit of a dick.

He never fell in love with anyone he’s dated so far — never got past the fancying stage and even then, it was never strong. It never made him feel those butterflies that James described them as. His heart never jumped, never sped up fast, he never felt his skin heat nor did their laugh ever put him into a trance — nothing like what he described them to be like. If anything, he’d always break it off with the girls he found himself getting too comfortable with; always severing it before it became too much.

Although, it technically never was his fault that they fell in love. Most of his admirers like to daydream from afar, or they’d make a promise at the beginning — no strings attached.

Well for them, it did. It almost always ended with strings attached with Sirius holding a pair of shiny scissors at the end of fried thread.

He did not believe in the fairytales, the sparks, the magic of true love, finding your soulmate — your better half.

But that doesn't mean he didn’t want it.

But, above all, Sirius Black considered himself to be a realist. Unlike James, he couldn't — he wouldn’t let himself believe in that shit anymore. Love is disappointing and it does nothing but hurt you, nothing but a filler he used to distract himself with, no matter who it was. Love did not fix his fuck ups nor himself.

All of the adoring admirers, the ones that lined up for him, they would all leave if they caught a glimpse of the worst parts of him. The ugly, nasty parts. He used rage as a means of defence, he pushed the people he loves away, he was moody, dramatic and above all, reckless.

All they wanted was to take, use him for his body — they wouldn’t love him if they knew him. The real him: the ugly side along with the beautiful one he wore. The side that wasn’t always adventurous, daring, bold, brave… happy, go-getting.

Nobody would stay for the ugly part of him.

In that regard, Sirius was unloveable. Completely, utterly unloveable.

Currently, the uglier, caged part of Sirius re-emerged as he writhed around in his bed. Eyes moved rapidly behind eyelids, squinted in pain as he squirmed around, clutching the bed sheets tightly. His head flopped from side to side as he was unable to wake; stuck in a nightmare.

“You mudblood lover —” “Don’t call them that!” “Babies, Regulus, babies!” “It’s killing me to stay.” “CRUCI —”

Sirius woke with a jolt, choking on a strangled scream that clawed at his throat. His mind seemed to be encased in a wordless static, muting him to the noise around him as he felt the rapid, hard thumps against his chest. Distantly, he could feel his body raking in waves as the sticky, cold feeling of his sweat dripped from his temple and down the side of his face. It made his hair stick to his forehead uncomfortably yet somehow, despite the sweating and the overwhelming feeling of heat, he felt ice cold.

He swallowed thickly, sniffingly away the stinging growing behind his eyelids but failed as a few stray tears had already settled on his cheeks. Sirius looked around frantically, meeting the familiar red and gold bed sheets that were now pushed off of him as he sat upright in his bed. Red velvet drapes hung around the sides, pulled together as slivers of bright light sliced through them. It made him squint and focus on the surroundings.

Soon enough, it felt like a weight lifted off his chest, marked in unspoken forgiveness once realizing where he was.

You’re safe, his inner voice spoke firmly, It was just a dream. A dream.

“Wakey, wakey Padfoot!”

He had just enough time to wipe the freshly fallen tears away before James ripped back his curtains, jumping into his bed. He drew a deep sigh, avoiding James’ eyes and trained them to look outside.

Upon the grass and mountains, snow sprinkled on much like sugar over a cake. The distant chirping of birds could be heard singing their usual song, or more like an alarm clock, as they soared high in the sky without a worry in the world.

If only Sirius could be a bird, what a simple life he would lead.

“Fuck you,” groaned Remus, “He might be awake, but I’m not.” His eyes clenched in annoyance, throwing his blanket over his head.

“Well aren’t you lovely? Isn’t he, Sirius?”

“The loveliest,” he managed to grit out, throat groggy and dry.

“Shut up!”

“Okay, calm down big bad wolf.”

“Well,” he mocks James, his voice going an octave higher, “This big bad wolf can maul you.”

James beamed brightly, the ever morning person he was, unaffected by Moony’s response. Instead, he padded his way over to him, shaking him before Remus flipped the covers off his body, tackling him into his bed.

“Do you guys think I should cut my hair?” James managed to get out as he gasped. Remus sprawled out on top of him, pinning him in place as he was being crushed from his weight. “I want to make sure I look good for today.”

“You’re always in need of a trim,” Peter called out.

“You look fine,” Remus added, “Besides, you and scissors are not a good move right now.”

Meanwhile, Sirius’ stomach felt hollow, worry ate at his very being before he felt something rise within his throat. Quickly, swinging his legs over the edge, Sirius made his way to the loo in a rush while James and Remus were both distracted.

Peter was there, rifling through the cabinets with his toothbrush dangling from his lips. “Morning,” he said, not quite looking over to him, “Do we have any more toothpaste? I keep telling Prongs not to use so much…”

“Get out,” he managed to say before shoving Peter out of the door, closing it shut. He barely managed to cast a silencing charm before opening the lid of the toilet seat, throwing up. For the most part, Sirius gagged on air before finally attempting to collect himself, preventing hyperventilation.

Foolishly, even up until that dreaded night, Sirius had an ounce of hope. For what exactly, he wasn’t sure. Perhaps it was hope that Regulus might have turned out different, or maybe it was hope that he’d finally be accepted, even though he knew that would never be the case — never with parents like Walburga or Orion.

But every time he dared to dream, to hope, he was always quickly reminded why it hurt. Hope was dangerous, a false sense of reality — a taste of what people dreamt and chase for but could never quite grasp.

It was more addicting than any kind of alcohol he drank — or the girls — or pranks.

Eventually, he got up from the floor, jumped in the shower and followed his morning routine before wrapping a towel around himself and stepped out.

Sirius was drying his hair before catching a glimpse of himself in the large mirror in front of the sink.

Sirius had never been insecure about the way he looked. A part of him, the arrogant and narcissistic part of him knew that he looked good and he’d flaunt it. But there were times like today, where he’d look at himself, but feel as if he’s looking at a familiar face that wasn’t his — a monster reflected back.

He wondered if this is what Moony felt like.

For a moment, Sirius let his face rest, allowing the helpless, loitering fear and guilt he felt engrave its way onto the smooth surface of his skin.

The eyes looking back at him today were his father’s, his hair reminded him too much of Regulus, his high cheekbones reminded him of Walburga and the tired, slightly crazed look reminded him of Bellatrix.

A member of the Black family, that's what people saw when they first looked at Sirius, the heir of the most noble and ancient house of Black.

Sirius Orion Black.

Orion Black… Even his name made him want to cry out in rage. Another reminder.

Pushing back his wet hair, he studied the faded scar that disappeared into his hairline.

It was more apparent than ever that Sirius had scars.

But unlike James, whose scars were from happy memories of the Quidditch pitch, or Peter, whose only scars were from chopping chocolate for a fancy baking recipe — and lastly, Remus, whose scars were visible, laid out for everyone to see, Sirius’ scars were invisible.

He wore them day in and day out without anyone ever knowing.

With a blink, he drowned out his thoughts immediately; his dreams, his past, his thoughts were for another time.

He sucked in a breath, clicking the door open.

Remus was the only other person still in the dorm. He stood in front of the mirror, buttoning up his white school shirt before ducking down and grabbed his bag, shoving in books, his wand and any other loose pages of parchment that he assumed was for his little study group.

“Where’s Wormy and James?” He asked, not liking the way his voice sounded wobbly and hoarse. His eyes no longer peered up at his chap, instead looking around the room. Anywhere but his face.

Thankfully, Moony didn’t seem to notice, preoccupied with the now overflowing pile of Valentine gifts and cards on his bedside. He grew frustrated with them with every passing second as they littered his space.

“Accio bin!”

The black bin from across the room flew into Remus’ hand, quickly shoving the letters in but soon a guilty look flashed across his face.

Remus had always been too considerate about their feelings, perhaps Sirius should take a page from his book.

Sirius had a pile accumulating on the carpet beside his trunk; it seemed like more and more people every year were confessing their feelings, but this time, Remus seemed to be getting a lot more along with the rest of the Marauders. But he smiled, happy to know that Remus had been getting some action. He fucking needed it.

“Er — sorry, Pete’s off to Wood’s room to borrow their toothpaste and James —” Remus cut himself off, bringing a hand to the sides of his temples as he moved them in circular motions. “I’m pretty sure Prongs went to find Y/N. Something about finishing a sign or a song for today —”

Sirius bit back a laugh, “A song?”

“I guess he’s fucking Paul McCartney now.”

Remus passed him, disappeared into the loo, giving enough time for Sirius to get dressed.

It was his third dream that week about that night and it was wearing down on him emotionally. He was losing sleep, he wasn’t eating, he was reclining from the Marauders, he was so prone to anger; lashing out, yelling… he didn’t like how he was acting — it reminded him too much of Orion.

And the thought made him sick to his stomach. He didn’t want to be a monster.

Lost in his depressing thoughts, Remus re-entered the room. But instead of walking up to his bed, Remus halted, looking directly at him before he crossed the room, putting a protective, encouraging hand onto his shoulder. A serious and calculated look crossed his face.

“Do you need anything?” He spoke in a hushed voice, as if he were to speak any louder, the walls might hear.

Sirius felt unexpected annoyance brewing in his chest. Bloody fucking Lupin, of course he knew — using his heightened senses to sniff out his distress.

Unlike Sirius, who hid his emotions, who covered and buried even a sign of weakness, who searched for answers high and low, Remus was so blunt — clear cut with his emotions. He knew just what to say, knew what was happening before others did even if they hadn’t even spoken yet.

He wished his thought process was as clear-cut as Moony’s.

“What do you mean? I’m fine,” he said, faking nonchalance. Jokingly, he prodded Remus’ cheek with his finger, “Turning into Moomy, again?”

His friend did not smile, concern still latched on.

“You know I’m always here for —” Before he could say anything more, Sirius hastily grabbed his bag, slinging over his shoulder, bolting out of the room.

Hiding — running away from his problems — that’s what Sirius was an expert on. And like that, he switched off that part — the ugly, unloveable part of his brain for the day.

When Sirius reached the Great Hall, he wasn’t surprised when a dozen owls bombarded him with letters and chocolates. It brought a sly smile to his lips

What? He did say he was arrogant.

“Looking grand, Black,” Marlene teased as she observed the overflowing amount of cards already in his arms. She ruffled his hair as he was forced to take the seat next to L/N. Marlene turned to chat with Dorcas, who finally was back on her feet and kicking it.

“It’s not even eight and your bag is filled?!” Peter exclaimed, baffled.

A part of Sirius didn’t feel annoyed as he sat beside her. Maybe it was because his main stressor, the Black family, was out of the picture and he’d been desperately trying to control his lash outs, but Sirius was stumped. Since the break, especially after the ‘Muggle’ incident, he found himself tolerating her presence.

Just a bit.

He understood why James, Remus, Lily, Marlene; why everyone took a liking to her.

But he had an inkling as to why.

Although, his mixed feelings towards her were not helping in the slightest as he dealt with the string of recent events in his life.

She was the one that spoke first, which surprised him.

“Ugh —” Y/N fiddled with the hem of her robes, “Kettleburn wants us to switch the Puffeskin between us. I was thinking since we’re in the same house, we could keep it in one of our dorms. I was thinking about keeping it in yours.”

“Why not yours?”

“They liked to hatch in warm places. Your dorm has a fireplace, right? I remember James telling me you had one… And it would make it easier since women can go into the boy’s dorms.”

For some reason, he couldn’t stop himself — he just couldn’t. “I bet you’re trying to get off quick.”

The accusations did not sit right with her.

For someone like Sirius, someone who dealt with the worst shit imaginable; someone who'd been beaten down, both metaphorically and literally — someone who by the textbook was supposed to curl in on himself — keep to himself, be small, avoid drama, don’t cause arguments — Sirius did anything but that. Everything he did, he made sure to cause a reaction.

“No —”

“Are we about to argue because you want to win, or is it because you want to learn?.”

“You’re so arrogant. I don’t need you for grades. Your brain probably grew twice in size when I turned you into a dog.”

“Didn’t ask.”

“Then why are you replying?”

Sirius rolled his eyes, “Very creative.”

“Do you ever just shut up?” She snaps. Her face inched closer to his.

Unbeknownst to her, for a second, a second that he’d never admit, Sirius' brain falters. They hadn’t been this close to each other since that day after Kettleburn had assigned their group project. He catches the smell of faint floral — tulips, he thinks. Or maybe vanilla? Books? Tea? He couldn’t place it.

But his heart did a funny thing. It never does a funny thing like that and it concerns him. He wasn’t sick, was he?

Silence lingers.

L/N scoffed, “Well finally, it looks like you have.”

Although, she seems completely unphased by their closeness.

“Huh, you really do shut up.”

He snorts, his brain finally working again. “You nag an awful lot.”

“Well, you —”

“Whiskers. You’re a woman, how do I look?” James asked. He came bouncing up to them across the hall from the entrance. He twirls a little, showing off his outfit. In one hand, he held a sign and a bunch of roses. “Would you fancy me?”

“Dropping hints, are we, Potter?” She smirks playfully, “Anyway, I know you nicked that from Sirius.”

Sirius looked over to him, his head nodding up and down but was surprised that she noticed the difference, “She’s right, that is mine. Maybe that’s why you look so good.” He meant for the remark to come off as a joke, but cringed as the words spewed from his mouth. He sounded like a complete arse.

James ignores him, “I have everything planned.” Then, he holds up a sign, all in baby pink with hearts dancing across the page as a huge message declaring his affection for Emmeline was written in bold fonts. I looked fairly cheesy, but that was James for you. A romantic at heart.

“Well,” he starts, clearly happy, “Do you like it?! I’ve also got a song written!”

“Remember the last time you wrote someone a —”

Y/N kicked him, hard, under the table, which caused Sirius to look at her sharply before his face turned annoyed again. She hadn’t even glanced his way yet. She continued to calm James down, giving him a pep talk while Sirius would jump in with encouraging words.

“Of course we love it — is it for Lily or —”

James shakes his head and they both knew who he was referring to.

“— Then Emmeline will love it even more! Get the girl, Bambi!”

James smiled triumphantly, sticking his fist out for a fist bump before running off happily towards the Ravenclaw table.

“Y’know,” Y/N starts, talking to Sirius as they both watch as James gets up on the table, preparing to serenade Emmeline in front of the entire Great Hall with a guitar that vaguely looks like Remus’. “You can choose not to be a dick.”

Surprisingly, he laughed, small, but there. And then, he finds himself responding to her comments, “I beg to differ.”

“Then beg.”

Sirius’ eyes widened, feeling his mouth go dry. He bit the inside of his cheek, eyes fluttering shut a couple times. It didn’t help that she smirked at his reaction and it made Sirius feel funny. An odd swoop piddled at the base of his stomach.

“I’ll take that into consideration for later,” he settled on.

Remus and Lily waltzed into the room, both holding small cards of their own. L/N and Sirius shuffled over as much as they could to fit in with both Remus and Lily.

A part of Sirius’ routine had started incorporating Lily doing his hair. Most often, she did pretty braids or buns — but of course, not without James pouting to him later. He only hoped that with Emmeline’s new presence, James would stop.

“Ooo la-la!” Y/N mocked, swiping one of the cards from Lily and Remus. “You two are popular.” She turned to face Lily.

“It’s n-nothing, really, “Lily stuttered, her head ducking down. But her eyes seemed to look up at her, seemingly in hope of some recognition.

“Don’t be so modest!”

“A-hem!” James’ bostal voice. His foot wobbled on the edge of the table that made them all nervous if he were to fall. He finally concluded his song. Lily looked over and smiled, glad to know that James had finally chosen a different target to annoy.

“Fuckin’ barmy,” Remus muttered out, a hand going to cover his mouth in suspense. His hand travelled down to his chin-stroking his jaw.

“Emmeline, thou beauty —”

“Oh my god,” groaned Remus again, sinking in his seat from the second embarrassment but smiling nevertheless.

However, Marlene whopped loudly, a large grin on her face.

Lily looked over to the scene, her eyes finding their way back to L/N, Peter paled slightly at the scene, Marlene was howling in laughter along with Sirius.

But much like himself, L/N found herself laughing with them too.

Her laughter rang out, and Sirius found himself drawn to the noise. But what was worse, was that he wanted to hear it again.

And even though he knew that other women and even men were staring at him right now, ready to give him all their affection and attention, Sirius found himself unable to look away from her.

He felt his palms getting sweaty, his heart beat harder, he wanted to sit closer to her and a smile tugged at his lips but he forced it down.

Fuck.

It was almost as the realization hit him there like a thousand tidal waves.

His heart jumped, it sped up fast, he felt his skin heat and her laugh put him into a trance — everything like what James described it to feel like.

If it was what he thought it was, Sirius wasn’t quite pleased with his newfound knowledge. He already had too much shit to deal with and certainly, someone like her was not worth it.

As the thought arose, there was something else that pulled him from these thoughts; it was the very shit that Sirius was dealing with, coming to haunt him again.

Regulus entered the Great Hall and Sirius had the urge to run to the nearest bin again. He hadn’t seen him since that night.

Within seconds, Regulus sensed his gaze and their eyes locked.

He wasn’t proud of Regulus, if anything, Sirius resented him — hated him and his entire body spiked in anger as he stared at him. He chose his path. But he couldn’t help but feel immense, dreadful guilt.

He could’ve done more, been there for him more, talked to him more. There were so many possibilities, so many outcomes and Sirius managed to end up with one of the worst paths imaginable.

He both wanted to scoop him up in his arms, cry — hold onto him tight like how they used to years ago, but the other part also wanted to take a Beater’s bat and swing a Bludger at his head.

His head shook slightly, just enough for Regulus to get the hint.

There was a hard, hopeless expression on Regulus’ face as he seemed to take a sharp inhale, his shoulders slumping within every passing second.

They were from two separate worlds, more evident than ever now. They weren’t brothers, not really.

Two of the brightest stars were torn apart forevermore.

Once the bell rang, Sirius sprang out of his seat and walked down the halls. He dodged owls, letters, chocolates and even a few love potions. There was a familiar void that punched its way through Sirius’ chest.

It was too early for firewhiskey, he couldn’t get knackered, he couldn’t talk to James, not when he was this happy and getting a pack of smokes from Remus — he’d bloody know within seconds what was wrong and call a Marauder's meeting or sort out some intervention for his sanity. Besides, he needed to apologize to Peter for how he acted that morning.

So the next best thing; snogging — a quick shag.

The next girl that tossed a flirtatious wink his way, he immediately approached. She was pale, had brown hair, soft skin and he vaguely recognized her but couldn’t quite place it. They flirted, Sirius would suggest it, she smiled, nodding her head and giving out a breathless sigh as Sirius dove for her lips, walking into the nearest broom closet.

Things were fast, almost a blur. She reached down, fumbling with his buckle before it clanked to the floor; he unbuttoned her top, hoisting her up and pushing them against a wall. She let out soft whimpers and he groaned into her neck.

The sensation, the building pleasure had left as soon as it came, leaving him feeling empty once more. He peeled off the girl, checking if she was alright like every other time. He didn’t know her name, forgetting it, and smiled awkwardly as she dressed.

He watched her leave the broom closet, the door clicking softly behind her. He could hear the faint scuffle of her shoes as she skipped down the hall excitedly. She had gotten what she wanted, a piece of Sirius; the Sirius that he put out — the pretty, nicely packaged Sirius.

Bent down, sinking to the floor, rocking on the balls of his feet, arms wrapped tightly around his legs and his head resting on his knees; emotions pooled through Sirius, attacking his frail heart.

Sirius laughs; it was dry, sad, pathetic, defeated. It was hard enough to hide with smiles, pranks, the random girls, sex, but those happy hormones that he craved, it was never, ever enough.

He couldn't go on like this, he had to fix something because something else was bound to break.

His laughing became strained as the walls of his throat began to close, eyes filling with tears. But now, finally alone, he let them cascade freely as his quiet sobs echoed in the dusty closest.

Love isn’t a magic potion.

━━━━━━━━━༻✩༺━━━━━━━━━

【I hope it was clear in this chapter that in no way am I trying to romanticize Sirius's trauma】

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shinjaeha · 3 years

Text

ipytm ep 3 (thoughts + spoilers)

this is going to be a tough post for me to do bc honestly...this ep just left me feeling so run down. i know that the cast and crew have always strived for realism and authenticity with this series, but this one was just a lot to take in :/ my thoughts are gonna be even more all over the place than usual but idec at this point. having to rewatch this ep again is really fucking hard (even harder than itsay ep 4 bc even though that makes my heart ache, i still feel some sense of satisfaction from the development we get...this just leaves me feeling defeated in every way).

you know the drill: not an analysis, just me ranting as usual bc free therapy (and boy do i need it after this one)!! i had so many feelings watching this ep (esp towards teh but what’s new), so here goes.

we begin with the drama students rehearsing for jai’s new play, and the introduction of the plum wine which will be the recurring motif in this whole ep. the use of the plum wine in this also kind of reminds me of how teh initially disliked coconuts until he started falling in love with oh-aew and started to like them instead...i’m guessing that’s the parallel they’re trying to draw with the plum wine comparison in this.

teh’s having a hard time getting into character (which we already know from last ep was always going to be one of the toughest challenges for him as an actor). his character in the play is supposed to have a sex scene, but he’s struggling with this bc he can’t put himself in his character (akin’s) shoes, so jai ends rehearsals early.

jai gives them all logbooks which he basically wants them to treat as diaries where they’ll write everything they feel/learn and hand it back to him (he’ll be the only one reading them). ngl this already had me feeling kind of yikes (esp now as i rewatch this knowing how everything went down) since jai already has inside knowledge about teh’s feelings on his relationship with oh-aew which he can take advantage of :/ more on that later though...

it’s sad to me that so much time has passed since teh’s argument with khim and he's STILL avoiding her. khim was someone that he respected immensely (and was such a great mentor for him) so it just sucks to see that their relationship has deteriorated so much since the first two eps. teh might have had his reconciliation moment with oh-aew last ep, but there’s still a lot that he’s not ready or willing to address yet.

i understand that teh’s just encouraging jai about his work when he tells him to stop having others comment on it, but at the same time, i disagree with him bc i think it IS important to get other peoples’ opinion about your work. how else will you ever be able to see things from other perspectives if you don’t?

anyway, teh tells jai he’s seeing a play, and jai asks teh if he’s bringing oh-aew...the look on teh’s face is telling enough that things aren’t going great between them (at least on his end). this brings us to the logbook scene, where teh’s homework for the day is to write about the similarities and differences between himself and his character in the play. this gets teh to reflect on how he feels his relationship with oh-aew is changing, or specifically, how oh-aew seems to be changing so much that teh feels like he’s becoming someone else entirely...and does that mean that he still loves him the same?

i feel like this is a fairly common issue with people that have been in a relationship for a while (and this is their third year together now), so i understand how teh might start having doubts. it’s nothing that oh-aew’s done, it’s just that sometimes all these small changes can keep mounting up to the point that they feel much bigger than they actually are. oh-aew’s really just doing what everyone else does, which is grow and change as they get older, but teh’s still stuck in the past trying to hold onto what they used to have instead of evolving with oh-aew. the way teh picks at all these little changes of oh-aew does make me think that he’s self-sabotaging himself. he’s just so afraid and insecure that oh-aew will change so much he leaves him, that he has to nitpick at reasons why oh-aew’s the one that’s growing away from him (though when we watch the whole ep we know that that’s not the case at all). it’s like a ‘if i push him away first, then he won’t push me away’ sort of self-defence mechanism. either way, teh’s a constant overthinker...and he’s always been his own biggest enemy since the start, so it makes perfect sense to me that he would do this to himself here too.

i know that they’ve been together for years at this point, so things are not quite as exciting as they used to be, but it hurts to see oh-aew be so happy about getting an A for his class, and teh be so unenthused about it. oh-aew has to basically beg teh to give him attention and praise. remember when teh used to get so worried when oh-aew did badly in chinese class...and now it’s like whatever to him just bc he’s not tutoring him/they’re not in the same major anymore :((( i know it’s prob both bc teh’s still hurting that oh-aew transferred majors, and from seeing oh-aew succeed while he feels like he’s failing, but still...

also, not inviting him to see the play with him bc he thought oh-aew wouldn’t be interested/oh-aew kept falling asleep whenever they saw plays together ;;; i get the reasoning from both povs, but it still is nice to be asked :(

so one thing i have to say about the progression of their relationship here is that i just feel this huge disconnect from last ep and this ep?? i know it’s bc of the time skip (since it’s a year later basically), but to go from the end of ep 2, where they’re promising to love each other forever, and then to teh feeling disillusioned/as though he’s falling out of love with oh-aew basically right after that?? it’s so jarring. i feel like we lose so much with these time skips bc the transition from ep 2 to ep 3 is never really shown, so there’s this lack of flow there. like we’ve skipped a step entirely and something’s missing. this is the disadvantage of only focussing on one year per ep since there’s not enough time to explore as much character and relationship development when we’re only seeing an hour long snippet of an entire year. it just makes things feel superficial since so much of what we should be seeing is missing...and we basically have to fill in all the gaps ourselves.

okay, back to oh-aew ranting to his friends about how he feels like his relationship with teh is fading away bc they don’t have the same interests anymore, but also wondering if that’s just normal for long-term relationships. bless that boy that came to ask oh-aew for his ig :’) at least he knows that he’s wanted and has options, even if he obv turns him down bc of teh (for now).

plug and mangpong are dating!!!!!!! and mangpong does a horrible job of trying to hide it 😂 sidenote, but i love the way pp delivers lines sometimes (like the “just shocked”), he’s so cute. plug and mangpong’s legs touching...and the wave of nostalgia that came over me (and oh-aew) during that ;;; oh-aew seeing their blossoming relationship would make him reminisce back to his own experience of falling in love with teh...when everything was still so fluttery and new. so when teh texts him about using his car to help jai move, he looks happy. like he wants to rekindle those feelings again too.

that being said, it’s kind of sad to me how even jai shows more interest in oh-aew’s major than teh (when he asks him for his opinion on how to get people interested in his play). oh-aew’s got some good ideas and is more than willing to help (esp since he wants to connect and find a common interest with teh again). also, just bc oh-aew doesn’t want to be an actor anymore doesn’t mean that he’s completely uninterested in it. god, watching this part again hurts bc oh-aew looks so happy and optimistic. he worked so hard to help teh (and jai) only for them to betray him like that. it made me mad originally, but now it just breaks my heart :(

jai’s running acting classes again for his play, and this time it’s a workshop to help them tap into their feelings. it’s like an intimacy exercise where they give one another consent to touch certain body parts. teh is still struggling a lot with this. i think teh craves intimacy, but as he doesn’t feel that connection in his personal life to oh-aew anymore, so it’s difficult for him to draw on his experiences. he can’t even remember the first time he had sex with oh-aew properly anymore. as usual, teh’s too in his own head to just go with the flow and ~feel things (which isn’t new since teh’s had problems with this since itsay), but it’s def something that he’ll need to learn how to do if he wants to become an actor. he’s trying, but the fact that he can’t get to that place makes him feel even more insecure than ever that he might never be able to get there. imo one of the reasons teh works so hard, and is as driven and ambitious as he is, is that he’s afraid that he’ll never be good enough. he puts so much pressure on himself, and the issue with that is that he’ll never be able to live up to his expectations that way.

teh is also very much alone now. oh-aew has his group of friends to talk to about his relationship with teh, but teh just has jai at this point. he’s pushed khim away...and he and oh-aew aren’t communicating effectively (which is also why they’re on SUCH different wavelengths in terms of where their relationship is at), so there’s literally only jai for him to talk to about all his relationship issues. and to me at least, jai seems to have ulterior motives (particularly when you consider that the subject matter of his play is pretty much the same thing that teh’s going through rn). it’s times like this when i do feel kind of bad for teh, but then again, he brought this upon himself the way that he almost always does...and it leaves me frustrated instead.

jai kissing his professor though...also their conversation?? i have QUESTIONS...

that whole interaction with teh when jai catches him spying on him and the professor was SO awkward. idk what it is about teh but i have never encountered a character that has given me as much secondhand embarrassment as he does. when he starts touching the bars and avoiding eye contact i just- why, teh why?????

moving on, i’m thinking there’s prob more to that scene that we don’t know about bc jai’s shifty like that...but it’s purpose is also to shift teh’s perception of jai. before this, he pretty much just saw jai as his friend and mentor, but seeing him kiss someone else pushes him to think of jai in another less platonic light. like the first spark of attraction.

the both of them go to see the mime show (babymime), and i know that the point of this is so teh can learn to just feel and let go the way that the mimes in this play do, but idk it’s just kind of funny to me the contrast between the last scene and this one.

the leg touching scene again but this time with teh and jai...thanks, i hate it :///

teh’s already feeling like he and oh-aew’s interests are making them drift apart, so by connecting with jai, it’s that initial feeling of attraction that he used to feel with oh-aew all those years ago. jai is that cool senior that he respects...he’s goal-oriented and has so much in common with him (in a way that he feels that oh-aew doesn’t anymore), so it doesn’t altogether surprise me that teh latches onto jai in this way. esp when all their conversations revolve around what teh’s most passionate about, and what dreams they’re striving towards in the future.

it doesn’t surprise me bc teh’s affections shifted in a similar way from tarn to oh-aew when he was first starting to realise his feelings for oh-aew too (though at least he and tarn were never officially dating during that time...)

there’s a genuineness to the way teh praises and encourages jai that isn’t there when he’s doing the same to oh-aew :( and that coupled with teh lying to oh-aew about him having dinner with jai while oh-aew is at home, completely oblivious, painstakingly photoshopping his boyfriend’s face on the poster of the play TO HELP TEH instead of doing his own uni work, makes me so fucking upset for oh-aew.

it’s interesting to see how different their personalities are even when it comes to something as simple as the way they read their texts. oh-aew is so ready to accept whatever teh tells him at face value, but teh overthinks everything to the point where he jumps to a certain conclusion in his head about it instead.

but yeah, it’s just really tough to see oh-aew try so hard for teh, only to see teh do nothing back for oh-aew in return. there’s only so much one side can give. it’s the absolute lack of effort on teh’s part to even try to make things work with oh-aew that is the most frustrating thing of all. oh-aew is carrying their entire relationship rn and it makes me feel all “and for what?? why should he even bother??” about it.

sneaking to sit at the river with jai is like this forbidden, new experience, so it just enhances that feeling of attraction that teh is already feeling towards jai. and esp when he starts telling him about his previous relationship with james, the significance of the plum wine, and how jai ended up breaking up with him. since it’s reflective of teh’s own experiences atm (even in how he kind of self-sabotages himself to push people/oh-aew away first), he clearly takes it to heart. and it makes him want to do an even better job since the play is an autobiographical one for jai. not to mention, teh supposedly being the only one that jai told his story to makes him feel ‘special’......and we all know how teh likes feeling as though he’s special to someone. you can see it in how dejected he is when he thinks jai only told him his story bc he wanted him to get into character better, but perks up the moment jai says he actually told him bc teh’s been doing such a good job (and to encourage him). like i mentioned before, teh’s already feeling vulnerable and isolated from everybody else, so hearing any sort of praise (and esp when it’s from someone that he looks up to as much as jai), is going to pull him in.

when they were hiding from the security guard i was like ughhh i know where this is heading and i. don’t. like. it........

the problem is that i know where teh stands on this. like i know that there’s some attraction on his end. but i don’t know where jai stands. is he intentionally manipulating teh’s feelings for his play? is there any sincerity there? i think it’s obvious that he can tell teh is attracted to him from the glance that they share in this scene, but i can’t get a handle on what he actually wants (which i guess is the point of making his character as mysterious as it is but still). and if he can tell, and he doesn’t actually like teh back in that way, it makes the end scene even more yikes imo.

hmmm teh lying in the pool trying to recreate that feeling right before their first kiss when the both of them just let everything go and sank down into the water. that’s how you KNOW the next scene is supposed to be angsty...bc just like how their first underwater kiss had a sense of sadness to it bc they were hiding, their first (on screen) sex scene has that same sense of sadness, only this time it’s bc teh’s using his attraction to jai/his method actor desire to get into character to fuel the sex instead of bc he genuinely just wants to have sex with oh-aew. and if his reasoning for the sex is bc of that, then his task to recreate their first sexual experience will never live up to the actual first time they had sex (when they BOTH wanted it, and there were no other factors involved).

that’s not to say i don’t think teh doesn’t love oh-aew anymore. i think that there HAS to be some level of love still there amidst all of the confusion, but it feels a lot more like he’s testing his love/attraction to oh-aew during this scene (sort of like how he did with tarn in itsay) than a proper ‘love scene’. like he’s trying to reconfirm his feelings, whilst using oh-aew as inspiration for his role at the same time. it makes my heart ache that this is the first love scene we get from them this series, and it’s marred by the context of what we know is going on in teh’s head. like i said, it’s this permeating sadness throughout...and just knowing that oh-aew has absolutely NO IDEA what’s going on with teh and why he suddenly wants to have sex makes it worse. oh-aew’s been trying to make things work, and in his mind, teh spontaneously coming over like this prob makes him think that things are getting better between them since this is also the closest thing to teh showing any sort of initiative to work on their relationship in this ep so far...

and that’s not also taking away how beautifully this whole scene is shot. i’ve always loved the way that teh and oh-aew play and flirt with each other (bkpp’s chemistry is honestly unparalleled!!) so it was nice to see them be kind of playful before they started kissing again (if you ignore how sad this scene really is). i LOVE the inter-splicing between their first time on the beach and the present. the way the score swells, and little moments where you can see their feet and fingers interlocked on the beach. it gives you such a visceral visual (and totally takes me back to itsay days when that sort of imagery was used a lot more). i just hate that since we know the truth, this scene is more uncomfortable than satisfying despite how nicely shot it is.

i wish we got more domestic moments from them. i know their relationship has sort of grown past those initial moments of flirtation, but it truly makes me sad that we don’t get to see more of them as a couple in general in ipytm. moments like this where they’re lying in bed cuddling each other are so few and far between that i always feel like i have to cherish every little fleeting piece of fluff that i can get. even if idek if this can really be called fluff since the context sort of ruins it.

oh-aew’s still got his heart attack bag :’)))

he was soooooo happy when he met up with his friends 😭 but also, how the hell is it possible for teachers to move deadlines up like that. i FEEL that panic... poor oh-aew...

teh’s in rehearsals again and this time he’s wearing his moon shirt which...i do NOT need those ep 3 itsay vibes rn when i was already dreading this last ten minutes with everything i have in me :((( but anyway, jai’s brought plum wine to class and we know that teh doesn’t usually drink, but he does this time. he tells teh that the taste will change over time (it symbolises the ageing of the relationship process), and teh says it’s a pity he won’t get to taste it next time since jai wants to go abroad to study. then teh tells him he’s worked on the acting exercise and wants to try it out with jai, and i feel like we all knew where it was going to go from here.........

they really had to hammer it in with him missing oh-aew’s call too huh :/

as soon as they started the touching/intimacy exercise again i was just waiting for the catch. even on this rewatch i’m still sitting here chanting “don’t do it teh don’t do it” knowing full well that he kisses jai and there’s no changing that. but then when they cut to oh-aew walking up the stairs with the posters and you hear just how much time he’s sacrificed to help teh/jai on this...sacrificing time EVEN NOW just to go over to their uni to give them the posters when he has a presentation due tomorrow that he and his friends still haven’t finished working on...it’s just heartbreaking knowing what he’s going to end up walking in on.

whether it’s itsay or ipytm, teh’s default state is confusion. so while i think that there’s a certain amount of attraction towards jai there of course, i kind of get the feeling that he’s confusing his feelings of connection with jai (bc of their shared interests and passion) with him falling in love with jai. i feel like his attraction to jai reminds him of what it was like when he was first attracted to oh-aew, and since things have changed so much between him and oh-aew, it’s like he wants to recreate and capture that feeling again with jai (which is also why he wears the moon shirt...he wore that during itsay ep 3 beach scene, which was the moment when the attraction really started to burn between him and oh-aew). he can’t feel that same spark with oh-aew anymore, so he transfers his feelings to jai since, at this point in time, he feels closer to jai than anyone else. instead of growing alongside oh-aew, it’s like he’s choosing to revert back to a time when he was happier.

we know that teh has always been the type of person that will act on his impulses when he feels them. that’s WHY it was so hard to watch...bc i knew while watching that last scene, he was never going to restrain himself or put a stop to those feelings bleeding over into action. and esp not when it could benefit him in some way with his acting too.

in the end, it just makes me so devastated for oh-aew. and i really hope that he doesn’t let this go bc he thinks it’s just teh method acting or getting into character or whatever...i know that teh’s feeling a lot of conflicting things rn, but that’s not an excuse. he really fucked this one up.

the thing is, it’s not that i don’t think teh is capable of acting this way (i’ve seen a few people say that this is ooc for him, but it really isn’t? this confusion and impulsiveness has always been a part of his character from the very start...he was always the one that had the most trouble dealing with his feelings out of the two of them), but the time skips don’t do him any favours bc we lose all those moments that take him to what he’s currently feeling. when we don’t have those moments, then it’s a lot harder to sympathise with him. in itsay, bc we always knew how teh got from point a to point b, even if he did frustrating/silly things, i always understood where he was coming from. i always felt for him. i GOT his struggles, which was why i was always able to empathise with what he was going through. in ipytm, he just comes off as unlikeable bc of how superficial his feelings seem (from what we’re being shown on screen at least).

falling out of love with your significant other/starting to feel things for someone else is obv a fairly common experience, so i don’t blame teh for FEELING like this, but it’s how he treats oh-aew throughout this that doesn’t sit right with me. even if you feel like you’re falling out of love with someone, or that they’ve changed since the first time you fell in love with them, you’d think there’d be some motivation to at least TRY to make things work with them before giving up. we never see that from teh at all. instead, he just see him becoming infatuated with jai (so we barely see teh/oh-aew together in the first place). and while i can see now that a lot of this is due to his own insecurities and inadequacies, it’s also just so disrespectful to oh-aew who's the one that we see putting in all this time and effort (it calls back to their whole “don’t give my time to others” scene in itsay bc we see oh-aew giving so much of his time to teh through helping him out with his play, while teh’s giving that time that should be for oh-aew to jai now). no matter his reasoning, watching teh act that way towards oh-aew does make it increasingly hard to root for him. there’s just too big a disparity in how the two of them choose to act and devote their time to their relationship.

what’s frustrating is that in itsay, teh would fuck up but he would always try to make amends with oh-aew in some way. he would always come forward to try to sort things out after...but there’s nothing here. even after their dinner fight in ep 2, it’s OH-AEW that reaches out to him first (even though it’s teh’s fault that they fought in the first place). where’s that boy that dressed up in his old school uniform in order to talk to oh-aew at his school? or made a whole chinese idioms scrapbook for oh-aew? or gave up his uni admission for oh-aew? i understand that characters and motivations change (and he was obv hopped up on his first love with oh-aew at the time), but it’s just really, really sad to see teh keep messing up and not even try to meet oh-aew halfway with this. yes, you can fuck up, but there are only so many times you can keep fucking up before it starts to look more like a pattern of shitty behaviour than a few forgivable missteps.

another issue is that there’s been so much focus on teh and his flaws that a lot of the time oh-aew comes off as a side character to teh’s story. previously, i understood that since teh was grappling with his sexuality. it made sense that his journey was the primary focus of the plot and character development. but i always felt that there was more room to explore oh-aew’s story (and i thought that we would get a lot more of that in ipytm...esp after ep 1), but it just feels like we kind of skimmed past all of oh-aew’s growth and struggles adjusting to bangkok/uni life so we could turn the attention back to teh again. i just hate that we never get to see more of how oh-aew’s changed in teh’s eyes (other than the surface level things like his hair, new car and major), and that we never get to see more of oh-aew’s life when it’s not related to teh in general. i hope that we’ll get more of oh-aew in the last two eps, but i really don’t know what they’ll give us anymore.

at this point, i don’t even want them as endgame anymore given everything that’s happened in the recent ep. and it pains me so much to say that bc teh/oh-aew are so immensely important to me, but they’re just in such different places in life. and teh esp has so much more growing to do (i think i said this last week too? teh...). oh-aew deserves to be with someone that can see his worth as he is (that won’t cheat on him for one!!). i just want him to be with someone that can make him happy. what i wanted most for them out of this was for the two of them to grow to a better place (together and as individuals), and while i still want that for them as individuals, it’s hard for me to want them to be happy together anymore. at least for the time being.

i’m kind of at a loss for how they’re gonna work through this (and i genuinely want oh-aew to be able to explore his options too...particularly with someone that will actually treat him better than teh’s treating him atm). so at this point it’s kind of looking to me like a break up is inevitable? but i do think it’s necessary for both of them rn. i feel so heartbroken about it though...like ipytm is actually making ME go through the breakup...breaking up with all my beloved itsay teh/oh-aew memories :((( anyway, i think a break up is also conveniently the best time to put a time skip tbh...so we’ll see if that does end up happening now in future eps.

this one took such a long time to write up bc i wrote like a quarter of this RIGHT after i finished watching the ep (so you can clearly tell which parts were me right after the ep, and which parts were me after i had some time to sit on what happened 😂), but i thought it was best to take a bit of a break. i didn’t rewatch it again until i calmed down a little and sorted out my thoughts some more (though i know this is still pretty messy). but yeah, i’m still very much interested in watching how they things are going to progress from here...but i can’t deny how sad i’ve been feeling after this.

#i promised you the moon #ipytm #text #i feel like i always need to rewatch ipytm eps bc i'm so HEATED during the first watch #but then by the second one i've usually calmed down so much more #like i obv still have a lot of things that i'm not super happy with (and rewatching this again didn't really bring me joy) but still #i get so invested in itsay/ipytm that sometimes i just gotta take myself out of the situation and go live my life for a bit #i was meant to post this yesterday bc it's been sitting in my drafts for too long but i just woke up (it's 2am) so what better time hah

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yoonpobs · 3 years

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forget him | jjk

pairing: jeon jungkook x oc (ft. jin)

genre: angst, unrequited love, jk is sad :(

words: 1, 109

summary: he wants you to see him

“You’re a fool.” The wind is strong against the expanse of your skin. The small hill you found in the midst of all the chatter was your sweet escape from wandering eyes of people who would rather look than pry. Jungkook was different.

“A fool in love.” You say sadly but there isn’t any real sadness to your eyes. It scares Jungkook that you’ve trained so hard to have just blinded yourself from feeling; often thinking your expressions were just a reflection of what you thought of the world.

“You should run. You’ve got a better life ahead of you rather than all of … this.” He gestures towards the crowd of people below you.

Your eyes skim over the huddled heads and you want to feel like you were one of them but you truly weren’t. People like Jimin and Taehyung have been together before they knew how to speak as they navigated their way through the throes of life. Namjoon and Hoseok weren’t any different but they were vulnerable when the organisation found them. The anger that burnt and imprinted itself onto the empty space where hope meant to lay was a reason that they stuck around for so long; why their loyalty was embedded into their system.

“You too.” You simply say. Jungkook didn’t belong here. You’d argue he was more of an odd one out than you were with the way his optimism still peaks through amongst all the pessimism that looms over the atmosphere.

He scoffs as if he can’t believe you. But Jungkook has always been careful, wary about the people here because it was second nature to him to not put trust in anyone. A defence mechanism you wish you could master but your poor heart often peaked through more than you’d appreciate it too.

“What if we run away?” Jungkook adds, voice hushed as if he was afraid anyone would hear.

If he’d hear.

You shake your head.

“My loyalty … it lies here, Jungkook.” You tell him softly. You see the way his brows furrow and that’s his way of showing you a glimpse of how his heartbreaks.

“With Jin?” He pushes.

You freeze. You’ve tiptoed around the conversation log enough because somehow it was easier to suppress the way your heart yearns for the unavailable when your words failed to make a reality out of it.

“With the organisation.” You hiss, finally glaring at Jungkook who looks as lost as you felt.

“Don’t fucking lie to me ___. Not now.” He snaps.

You dig your palm into the dirt beneath you and ignore the pain that shoots up your arm as you pour salt on your wound. There was no use to heal when all you were bound to receive is hurt.

“I’ve always been for the organisation Jungkook. These people are my family and—and I’ve never felt more wanted than I do here than anywhere else. You had a family before all of this, right? Newsflash Jungkook: the closest thing I have ever felt to what a family feels like is these people … I’m not going to throw that all away just to feel … free. Freedom isn’t a choice for me as it is for you Jungkook.”

His expression morphs into one of hurt as he recoils like your words have scathed him. Jungkook was probably a masochist, he thinks to himself. He fell in love with the one forbidden fruit that would end up burning more bridges than he could handle, but he wouldn’t argue with how his heart reacted when he was around you.

Older, just little over a year than he was but so so broken. A bird without wings that still wished to fly and he couldn’t help but admire the way you fought the rest when they were being unreasonable. Or the way your voice was louder when it needed to be and silent when you found no use in a conversation. It was as if he only loved the people that would hurt him, and that enough was proven with the way you turn your head from him after you say your piece.

“It could be.” He whispers, shuffling his body until he’s kneeling by your side.

“Don’t tell me you don’t know ___.” He leans his forehead on your shoulder and he’s thankful for the fact that you don’t pull away.

Yet.

This was better than the attempts of having you close before the heist.

“I know but it can’t be my truth.” You finally look at him and he sees all the repressed and conflicting emotions that pool in your irises. You suddenly look a lot like the girl you were ten years ago when you first joined, right after Jungkook was recruited. Nothing about your expression said you wanted to fight, in fact; you looked tired. Like you were ready to leave this life but not the people.

Or a person.

“Why can’t I be him?” Jungkook asks when you push yourself away from him to hug your knees to your chest as you hear bellows of commands from the base.

“I ask myself the same thing.”

The two of you settle into silence and Jungkook knows that this is it. There isn’t any way to make you understand or have you feel the same way he does. It was the incessant reasoning of his mind that existed before he knew of the harsh realities of the world, the way that people like you needed to fight to survive. It was a horrible reminder of what he had before this life.

“I love—”

“What the fuck are the two of you doing?” A voice cuts Jungkook off and you’re thankful. You don’t know what you would’ve done if he had told you the one thing that you were trying to avoid for the past three years.

“Sorry. Just needed to clear my head.” You turn around to offer Jin a soft smile.

He eyes the two of you sceptically and doesn’t bother questioning why Jungkook looks frozen and defeated by your side. You dust the dirt off your pants and stand up. It hurts because you don’t reach a hand out to Jungkook to help him up like you usually do. You just leave—Jin by your side.

He watches the way Jin’s arms wrap around your waist, a mark to his territory. But he didn’t love you like that. Not the way you, to him; or Jungkook to you. He just liked that he beat his brother out of something.

Jungkook purses his lips and draws his dagger from his pocket.

He needed to say goodbye to his past.

#bts fic #bts imagine #bts fics #bts imagines #bts JUNGKOOK #bts #jungkook x reader #jungkook angst #bts angst #jungkook imagine #jungkook fic #jeon jungkook x reader #jeon jungkook angst #jeon jungkook imagine #jeon jungkook fic

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maxwell-grant · 3 years

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Having seen your thoughts on his deeply-unpleasant daddy, might I please ask if you have any thoughts on The Gladiator himself, Hugo Danner? (THE SUPERMAN WHO MIGHT HAVE BEEN, if you will).

What would you do if you were the strongest man in the world, the strongest thing in the world, mightier than the machine? He made himself guess answers for that rhetorical query. "I would—I would have won the war. But I did not. I would run the universe single-handed. Literally single-handed. I would scorn the universe and turn it to my own ends. I would be a criminal. I would rip open banks and gut them. I would kill and destroy. I would be a secret, invisible blight. I would set out to stamp crime off the earth; I would be a super-detective, following and summarily punishing every criminal until no one dared to commit a felony. What would I do? What will I do?"

The thing that strikes me about Gladiator is that it almost feels like the book is unfinished. The quality and pace of the book is all over the place, but you can boil it's general story down to "unlucky bastard is born Superman before it's time for Superman to exist, without the necessary support, mindset and structure to become Superman, in a world that neither supports nor accepts the existence Superman, and just as he's about to have the life-changing epiphany that could make him something, he gets struck by lightning and dies in the 2nd-to-last paragraph".

The whole book is like if in the first Spider-Man story Peter Parker just gave up after Uncle Ben died and we never saw him again. It's a superhero/supervillain origin story that gets cut short right as it's about to lead to the birth of the character proper. It's frustrating, yes, but to my scavenger goblin brain that likes to dig through pop culture's trash to find nice forgotten trinkets to polish and make into something new, it also invites a lot of promise, if we get into the question of what could have happened to Hugo Danner if he didn't die on the cusp of his origin story. It's an idea I plan to use for my own pulp writings.

It's not so much whether or not Hugo MIGHT have been Superman, so much as: COULD he be Superman? Maybe, maybe not. I'd argue not, because even with all his power, and even with his parents trying to raise him as best they could, even with Hugo genuinely trying his best to be good and heroic and turn his gifts to mankind, it wasn't gonna pan out. The right pieces weren't there, the family structure wasn't there, the necessary aspects of the origin story weren't there, and ultimately, Hugo Danner wasn't cut for it. He is a failure at everything he tries to be super at.

At college on the football field, he kills a man. As a soldier on the Great War, he slaughters thousands for years, but fails to end the war, despite having been able to do so from the moment he enlisted. He is fired from a steel mill for working too far beyond the abilities of his fellows, and then fired from a bank for freeing a man from a locked safe, because the bank president suspected that Danner planned to use his powers to rob the vault. He tries using his powers to enact social change and fails again and again. He can't even enjoy daily life, because he cannot compete fairly with ordinary people, and because of that he must constantly hold himself in check, never able to fully express himself. And when he's presented with the idea of creating a race of people like him to dominate the world and to “conquer and stamp out all these things to which men of intelligence object,” he finds it ultimately distasteful, because he knows better than to expect good things to come out of his life. And then he curses God and dies. The whole book is one long argument as to why Being Superman Sucks.

He's not the break from tradition that Superman represented, he's a sci-fi superman who met the same tragic ending his predecessors did. In that paragraph above, the very first thing he thinks about, after remarking over his failure to end the war, is thinking about becoming some galactic dictator murdering everyone who steps out of line, before he considers becoming a fascist super-detective. Kind of a damning perspective to present your hero, isn't it? If Gladiator was released today, exactly as is, people would be quick to assume it's an origin story for a Homelander/Plutonian/Omni-Man kind of character. Hugo Danner was a Superman deconstruction before that became a pop culture cliche.

My favorite sections of the book are those that describe Hugo in the war. By far the best-written and most evocative, almost bordering on horror story. And they may be the most damning sections of them all. He never forgives himself for not ending the war when he could, because he's spent all those years killing and toiling away when he was just about the one person who could conceivably leap all the way to Germany and force the war to end. I imagine a lot of pulp heroes who suffered in the war, or any war, and walked out of it with a resolve to protect and do good by others, would be pretty pissed when discovering that, all along, there was this living god among them who actually could have ended the war single-handedly, but was just too damn busy slaughtering his way through fields of people who couldn't possibly fight back, to think about it.

And for all that Hugo says that he hates war and murder and bloodshed, he sure seems like a total natural for it:

Hugo, out of his scarlet fury, had one glimpse of his antagonist's face and person. The glimpse was but a flash. He was a little man—a foot shorter than Hugo. His eyes looked out from under his helmet with a sort of pathetic earnestness. And he was worried, horribly worried, standing there with his rifle lifted and trying to remember the precise technique of what would follow even while he fought back the realization that it was hopeless.

In that split second Hugo felt a human, amazing urge to tell him that it was all right, and that he ought to hold his bayonet a little higher and come forward a bit faster. The image faded back to an enemy. Hugo acted mechanically from the rituals of drill. His own knife flashed. He saw the man's clothes part smoothly from his bowels, where the point had been inserted, up to the gray-green collar. The seam reddened, gushed blood, and a length of intestine slipped out of it.

Hugo stepped over him. He was trembling and nauseated. The bellow of battle returned to Hugo's ears. He pushed back the threatening rifle easily and caught the neck in one hand, crushing it to a wet, sticky handful. So he walked through the trench, a machine that killed quickly and remorselessly

Hugo was learning about war. He thought then that the task which he had set for himself was not altogether to his liking. There should be other and more important things for him to do. He did not like to slaughter individuals. The day passed like a cycle in hell. No change in the personnel except that made by an occasional death. No food. No water. They seemed to be exiled by their countrymen in a pool of fire and famine and destruction.

And then later, after they kill a friend of his

He leaped to the parapet, shaking his fists. "God damn you dirty sons of bitches. I'll make you pay for this. You got him, got him, you bastards! I'll shove your filthy hides down the devil's throat and through his guts". He did not feel the frantic tugging of his fellows. He ran into that bubbling, doom-ridden chaos, waving his arms and shouting maniacal profanities. A dozen times he was knocked down. He bled slowly where fragments had battered him. He crossed over and paused on the German parapet. He was like a being of steel. Barbed wire trailed behind him.

Bayonets rose. Hugo wrenched three knives from their wielders in one wild clutch. His hands went out, snatching and squeezing. That was all. No weapons, no defence. Just—hands. Whatever they caught they crushed flat, and heads fell into those dreadful fingers, sides, legs, arms, bellies. Bayonets slid from his tawny skin, taking his clothes. By and by, except for his shoes, he was naked. His fingers had made a hundred bunches of clotted pulp and then a thousand as he walked swiftly forward in that trench. Ahead of him was a file of green; behind, a clogged row of writhing men. Scarcely did the occupants of each new traverse see him before they were smitten. The wounds he inflicted were monstrous. On he walked, his voice now stilled, his breath sucking and whistling through his teeth, his hands flailing and pinching and spurting red with every contact. No more formidable engine of desolation had been seen by man, no more titanic fury, no swifter and surer death. For thirty minutes he raged through that line. The men thinned. He had crossed the attacking front.

A man dipped in scarlet, nude, dripping, panting. Slowly in that hiatus he wheeled. His lungs thundered to the French. "Come on, you black bastards. I've killed them all. Come on. We'll send them down to hell."

And years later, when he's thinking back to the misery that had been his life:

His deeds frightened men or made them jealous. When he conceived a fine thing, the masses, individually or collectively, transformed it into something cheap. His fort in the forest had been branded a hoax. His effort to send himself through college and to rescue Charlotte from an unpleasant life had ended in vulgar comedy. Even that had been her triumph, her hour, and an incongruous strain of greatness had filtered through her personality rather than his. Now his years in the war were reduced to no grandeur, to a mere outlet for his savage instinct to destroy. After such a life, he reflected, he could no longer visualize himself engaged in any search for a comprehension of real values.

If he could but have ended the war single-handed, it might have been different. But he was not great enough for that. He had been a thousand men, perhaps ten thousand, but he could not be millions. He could not wrap his arms around a continent and squeeze it into submission. There were too many people, and they were too stupid to do more than fear him and hate him. Sitting there, he realized that his naïve faith in himself and the universe had foundered. The war was only another war that future generations would find romantic to contemplate and dull to study. He was only a species of genius who had missed his mark by a cosmic margin.

Even when he's thinking about the places where he went wrong, that he blames himself for, even when's engaged in introspection, his thoughts still gravitate towards violence and hatred, of squeezing continents into submission and of how much the masses are stupid to not appreciate him (because really, all Hugo wants is to be loved and appreciated for what he is), and how unlucky he was to miss his mark.

There's just no place for Hugo Danner. Maybe it was actually rather merciful that he got to have his misery ended briefly by lightning strikes, before he could either turn into something worse, or have his life ruined more throughly.

#replies tag #pulp heroes #gladiator #hugo danner #superman

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silverducks · 3 years

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Game of Thrones - Jaime Lannister

A rambling character study of Jaime Lannister from Game of Thrones.

Part 1a – Jaime’s Character Arc

This post is going to look at my thoughts on exactly how I see Jaime’s character arc in Game of Thrones, based on just the show. But it’s also to set up my future posts where I explain why I find it so darn hard to understand why he had the ending they gave him. At least beside the obvious - because the writers wanted to.

Yeah I know; I’m late to the GoT train wreck of a final series. But I have a lot of thoughts and hence why I’m here typing away.

(And this is where I start to really go all English Lit exam analysis on you, so a warning for anyone who actually might be reading this post, LOL!)

My Intro to this series of posts btw, is here.

So, spoilers be below.

Ok, so to help explain why Jaime’s ending makes no sense, I firstly need to explain what exactly his character arc is in the show, or at least how I perceive it. As mentioned in a previous post on honour vs loyalty, for Jaime I see his character arc being about two, interconnected things – redemption and identity.

In series 1 and 2, he’s not a nice character – he’s a self-righteous, proud, full of himself, snob. He’s arrogant and cocky and says pretty cruel, snide things to characters we do like. And as we see him through the PoV of characters like *Mr Honourable Eddard Stark, Jaime is pretty despicable to say the least. And that is before we even get started on the whole pushing a boy out of a window because he caught Jaime having sex with his own twin sister. Oh and just as an FYI, Jaime is also called the Kingslayer because he killed the King he was sworn to protect. So yeah, most people watching the show don’t like him at the start, and neither do most of the other show characters we do like.

And from a story telling perspective, Jaime’s character can either get worse, better or stay the same as the show goes on. And in this story, he gets better, with a few slip ups along the way, and it’s fascinating and glorious!!

Like, I can think of nothing that even comes close to the amazing way Jaime Lannister’s character develops in Game of Thrones and how we as a viewer change in our perception of him.

But that only makes his ending so much more frustrating and disappointing…

Before I start rambling away though, just as a point to note; I’m using terms like good and better person and right and wrong quite loosely here. Obviously the world, even in a fictional world, isn’t all that simple. As that would be a whole other massive thematic and philosophical thesis, and it’s not really that relevant, just take the “general” meaning of the ideas, but with the understanding I know it’s a bit more complicated. Where I think it does become more relevant, I’ll expand on the ideas in that particular context. If I sound a bit flippant at times, it’s because of the whole black vs white vs grey, and how there are “rules” in storytelling that wouldn’t necessary apply to our own, real life reality. There are things that we need to take into account when we analyse characters in stories vs actual, real people. And on a side note, this is one of my favourite things about Game of Thrones, the complexity and moral ambiguity of both its characters and its story themes. But yeah, that’s a whole thesis in its own right.)

Redemption Arc

So, redemption. In order for us to start to like this character, and see him as a good guy, he has to go through a redemption arc. Like pretty much rule number 1 of storytelling. That means we have to watch him and believe in him becoming a better person. Conversations like the whole oath vs oath issue, or his chat with his father about his nicknames in series 1 makes us take notice of a character, maybe even be more invested in a character and their shades of grey, but it’s not really redemption. And considering how far in debt he is in the good vs bad guy department, he has a lot of work to do.

And my goodness, he does it. Like, I mean, this guys’ redemption arc is astonishing! He goes through so much, rethinks and challenges everything he once thought/knew about himself and his world, faces all his past wrongs and bad character traits and becomes not even a better person, but a hero! He goes from a bad villain who kills kings and pushes kids from windows, to becoming one of the main heroes we’re rooting for by the end of the story.

(A quick disclaimer here, like I’m not saying Jaime is ever, or ever will be perfect, heck, he’s human and this is Game of Thrones and Jaime’s more messed up than most. But when you think back from where he started and where he’s been, it sure is impressive – if we ignore his actual ending that is, LOL!)

And his glorious redemption arc all pretty much starts around the time he starts his fun road trip with Brienne in series 3.

So, just to give a few of his finer redemption points (and just remember his series 1 and 2 actions and our opinion of him in contrast):

He stops Brienne from being raped and gets his hand cut off for the trouble (Ouch! But suffering, especially from doing something good, gives lots of redemption points.)

He risks his life to save Brienne from being mauled to death by a bear. Like, he’s recently lost his sword fighting hand and has no weapon, but he jumps in the bear pit anyway and puts himself between the bear and Brienne. He then helps Brienne out of the bear pit first and then only just makes it out alive himself. Oh and if that wasn’t enough, he basically tells the bad guys that he’s leaving with Brienne, or they will have to kill him. Like he says this to the guy who not so long ago chopped his hand off. (Just think on that one a minute ok.)

He keeps to his promise/oath to Catelyn Stark and continues to help her daughters by giving Brienne a priceless sword and some stunning armour so she can find and help them. (This also helps Brienne, because he knows she’s not safe in Kings Landing, and gives her a purpose, because he knows that’s what she needs.)

Firstly offers to sacrifice his own life needs and goals and those vows he’s now starting to hold more dear to save his brother. When said brother then screws up that opportunity, Jaime then also helps said brother escape from being killed, going against his sister and father, who want his brother dead. (Yeah, the Lannisters are an interesting family… And you wonder why Jaime is a little messed up?)

Takes RiverRun without any bloodshed. (Like pulls off the perfect bluff in GoT siege history so that he can make sure his army succeeds, but no one is killed. (I don’t count the Blackfish, who chose to fight to the death rather than escape/get taken prisoner.)

Joins the fight for the battle against the dead, even if it also means renouncing his entire house and lineage and putting himself at the mercy and judgement of pretty much all his enemies and all he has wronged. (One of which has a habit of roasting her enemies alive with Dragon fire)

Oh and also risks his life in above mentioned battle against the dead.

A pretty impressive list imho, lots of redemption points there and that’s not even including everything else he does. Following the general storytelling themes of forgiveness and redemption, Jaime basically ticks all the boxes by all the good deeds he’s now done. And that’s one of the major reasons why we as viewers now love him so much as a character.

But that’s not all, of course. As we discover also in series 3 (a pretty important series for our Jaime), it’s not even just about him doing good things, but we realise as an audience we’ve (intentionally by the show) completely misunderstood him! Yes, he did kill the King he was sworn to protect, but only because said King was mad and was about to blow up the entire capital city where hundreds of thousands of innocent people live. And not only did he do this incredible honourable thing, but because it did go against his vow as a Kings Guard, he’s ever since been derided as the Kingslayer, Oathbreaker, Man without honour. A horrible set of nicknames that he’s borne, because he doesn’t think people would care or understand anyway. (Of course, I want to add in here that it’s partly the negative trait of pride too, thinking himself as the Lannister Lion, above having to explain himself to the sheep.)

Anyway, all this has worn him down a lot over the years and it’s messed him up good and proper. It kinda makes your own initial dislike of Jaime through *Mr Honourable Eddard Stark’s eyes seem a little unfair. Especially when the guy was barely more than a kid at the time (16 or 17 I think). And his defence mechanism to deal with this is one of the reason’s he is so cocky and arrogant – he uses his dry, often cruel humour, to mask that he does actually still care. In fact, it’s worked so well, I think at the start of the show, Jaime believes it himself; that he is a horrible, hateful person. But he did have that honour inside of him once; he did care and try to do what was right. And when you think back to his scenes in series 1 and 2, they take on new meaning now. He’s no longer such an evil arrogant, cocky knight we all pretty much immediately hated.

And as this revelation happens around the same time as he starts doing all those good deeds, it all helps work together to make us re-evaluate Jaime and grow to love him and become invested in his redemption arc even more.

(*I feel the need to add a disclaimer here, I do like Ned Stark a lot as a character. But it is interesting that as the show goes on, he almost does the opposite to Jaime – we see he actually isn’t always as good as we thought, that perhaps honour tripped into bitterness and prejudice a few times. That perhaps Ned, as much as we like him, is less full white and more speckled in shades of grey after all...(which makes him a more interesting and nuanced character imho, so rather than undermine him, it makes him more human.))

And when I rethink Jaime’s scene with Robb Stark when he’s captured, where he gives Robb the choice of ending the war if Robb can beat him in single combat, well, it adds even more depth to his character. Of course, Jaime knew he would likely win, as did Robb, so Robb refused. And as a viewer who was all Stark=Good, Lannister=Evil (except Tyrion) at the time, I was glad Robb wasn’t stupid or arrogant enough, like the Kingslayer Mr Jaime Lannister, to fall for that.

But then I remember the parallel in series 6, when Jon Snow (Stark=Good) gives exactly the same choice to Ramsay Bolton (Bolton=Spawn of Satan). Ramsay can either fight Jon in single combat, or they can all send their troops to die in their war. And as a viewer now, NOW! I think Ramsay is weak and awful for not agreeing (because he knows he can’t win too) and so sending all these soldiers to an early grave. Which is like 100% opposite for pretty much the same scenario of its series 2 counterpart. Of course, we HATE Ramsay and he has no, I mean literary NO! redeeming qualities, unlike Jaime, who we never, ever hated in the same way. But it does make you think about the whole idea of perception as well as actual deeds here. And that actually Jaime, you could argue, was doing the honourable thing by asking Robb for single combat, to spare the lives of both of their armies… I mean, obviously he wants to win the war, but maybe, he also wanted to spare as many lives as he could, too – like Jon in the series 6 equivalent. Maybe not so arrogant a request from our Jaime after all…

And another point to add in here, which further adds up to Jaime’s redemption arc, is Lady Brienne of Tarth. Yes, I’ve saved her to last for a reason, as she is, imho, THE catalyst for this amazing change we see in Jaime. If you’ll notice, a lot of Jaime’s good deeds involve Brienne and start happening around the time the two characters meet. And that very fact further proves that Jaime was and can be a better person.

He does not like her at first and she’s not quite your typical maiden. Not only is she a “beast” (to quote Jaime), but she’s a fighter, full of honour, self-sacrifice and steadfast in her purpose, and more than a match for him. Oh and she’s also his captor, dragging him to Kings Landing with a rope around his hands so they can trade him for the Stark girls.

So yeah, not the most cordial of first meetings. He pokes fun at her, trying to get her to snap, to prove she’s not as good as she seems. But she doesn’t, because she is that person, she is true to herself and not pretending. Unlike so many people Jaime knows, she is genuine.

And he’s impressed by her skill and courage as a fighter as well. She is able to best him in the sword fight (granted when his hands are tied and he’s been sat in a cage for over a year, but he is like renowned for being one of the best sword fighters in the entire realm). Also when she fought the men who had murdered the women they found hung along the road – both as justice and to give the murdered woman a proper burial. She isn’t all talk, she can, and does fight. I bet Jaime wasn’t expecting that! And as sword fights are his thing, what he pretty much defines himself by and is most proud of, that’s a pretty big for tick from Jaime for Brienne right there.

Basically, she is a) an honourable person b) sticks to her oaths c) also able to fight (and therefore protect people) and d) refuses to let him get the better of her. The perfect, chivalrous embodiment of a brave, honourable Knight. A true Knight in all but name, whilst Jaime is now a Knight in nothing but name.

Now, I’ll discuss this more in the identity arc bit, but basically all this challenges Jaime, makes him rethink his own bitter images of himself and his world. She reminds him of his younger self, when he wanted to be that honourable Knight. And seeing this reflection of his younger, naïve and less world weary version of himself in Brienne, it helps to trigger this change in Jaime. It makes him remember who he once was, what he once stood for and believed in; that ideal that Jaime once believed is actually possible - of the brave, worthy Knight people sing songs about. And it started to make him want to be that person again. And this in turn, makes him want to start to do the right thing, to start to put honour first, which paves the way for his redemption arc very nicely.

I won’t talk too much more about Brienne here, because I think her relationship with and influence on Jaime deserves its own post. But I do think it is the specific personality of Brienne, together with the very fact that she is an ugly, “beast” of a woman, that triggers Jaime’s arc in just the right way and enables it to be so profound.

One last note on his redemption – I’ve said before it was partly his Lannister Lion pride that caused some of his suffering in relation to his nicknames. And indeed part of his arrogance is because he does think he’s better than everyone else (although not to the extent we first thought). He is the Lannister’s golden son after all and the Lannisters are basically the most powerful and wealthiest House in Westeros. It is a bad trait, yeah. But even this, even this! gets sorted out in series 8. From my list of redemption points, see the second to last point above – he faces judgement. Like a guy who had too much pride to admit he actually killed a King to help save hundreds of thousands of lives, actually, of his own volition, faces his enemies to be judged and to atone for what he has done wrong. Yeah, he also offers excuses at said trail, but if I’m honest, they do sound quite genuine to me. Is it any worse than what your typical soldier would do in a time of war? Fight in a battle and kill people? Try to capture the person (Ned) who’s wife captured your brother to avert a war? And we already know now he was justified in his killing of the mad King.

So, all in all, with this new insight into Jaime’s character, especially also seeing him through the increasingly positive eyes of Brienne (more on that later), who we know really is good and honourable, we have both a better understanding of his past actions, see his ongoing internal struggles and conflicts as he strives to do what is right and along with all his good deeds as the show goes on, we see him slowly (with lots of unfortunate set backs as well) become a better person. So come series 8, his redemption arc up to THAT scene, is glorious and basically complete.

And then there’s his identity arc. The other side of his character development, which is just as important for me and very much interconnected with his redemption.

(Like, seriously, there’s so much going on with this character that I could write essays, no a whole thesis I bet! I seriously can’t wait until I get to read him and Brienne’s chapters in the books and discover even more sides and shades to this character.)

But I’ve rambled on for far longer than I intended on his redemption arc, so I’ll save his identity arc for another day. (And hopefully it won’t be as long). Then we can get into the fun stuff like that hand he lost, that famous bath scene and his, how to put this, interesting relationship with his sister…

#If you were brave enough to get this far #Thanks for reading #And hope this made sense #Just my rambling thoughts #Yeah, I have a lot

#Game of Thrones #Jaime Lannister #Brienne x Jaime

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linkspooky · 4 years

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The Curse’s “Creed”

Jujutsu Kaisen has a set of unique antagonists. Curses that are made of and emerge from the darker side of human emotion, and yet have gained intelligence and emotions of their own. They are at the same time, human and completely inhuman. Underneath the cut let’s explore the unique psychology of Jujutsu Kaisen’s most terrifying villains.

1. Living True to Their Desires

In chapter 92-93 after already sealing Gojou there is a unique dialogue scene where after gaining victory, Mahito, Jogo, Choso, the three intelligent curses still decide to throw caution in the wind simply because they can. They act according not to logic, but to their own desires. To summarize the situation lightly all three curses, plus Fake Getou engineered the Shibuya incident with the primary goal of sealing Gojou. They also have a secondary goal of giving all of sukuna’s fingers to Yuji in order to grant Sukuna possession of the body and persuade him to their side, with those two objectives victory would be on their side. However, rather than doing the logical thing, Mahito suggests they do the illogical thing.

They kill Yuji now, not because it serves any strategic purpose but because Mahito simply wants to. He wants to throw the whole plan off not for any good reason, but just because he strongly dislikes Yuji. It’s a situation that is all risk and practically no gain. For a human there would be practically no reason to do this besides “I want to”, but for a curse this move almost makes sense. Curses are the living embodiment of whims. They are desires. Understanding that curses lack the ability to say no to their own desires the way humans do is important to understanding them.

The origin of curses lie in human beings. As Megumi explains, negative emotions that are regularly repressed subconsciously flow out of people and gather in places. These story concepts are based on several real world psychology concepts.

The Shadow.

In Jungian psychology, the "shadow", "Id", or "shadow aspect/archetype" may refer to (1) an unconscious aspect of the personality which the conscious ego does not identify in itself, or (2) the entirety of the unconscious, i.e., everything of which a person is not fully conscious. In short, the shadow is the unknown side.

Because one tends to reject or remain ignorant of the least desirable aspects of one's personality, the shadow is largely negative.

Repression.

Repression is the psychological attempt to direct one's own desires and impulses toward pleasurable instincts by excluding them from one's consciousness and holding or subduing them in the unconscious. Repression is a key concept of psychoanalysis, where it is understood as a defence mechanism that "ensures that what is unacceptable to the conscious mind, and would if recalled arouse anxiety, is prevented from entering into it."

Collective Unconscious

Collective unconscious (German: kollektives Unbewusstes) refers to structures of the unconscious mind which are shared among beings of the same species. It is a term coined by Carl Jung. According to Jung, the human collective unconscious is populated by instincts, as well as by archetypes: universal symbols such as The Great Mother, the Wise Old Man, the Shadow, the Tower, Water, and the Tree of Life.

Basically to put these three ideas into practice as an explanation for the emergence of curses. Every person has an unconscious part of their mind. This is made up of all the anxieties and undesirable aspects of ourselves that we are mostly unaware of. People do not live their lives constantly confronting the worst aspects of life, or their own negative emotion, so to live from day to day most people choose to repress, that is a defense mechanism that pushes unsavory things to the back of your mind. Finally if everyone has an unconscious mind comingles and forms a society, then Jung posits that everybody in that society collectively generates an unconscious as well.

For example in the fight against Toji, Getou summons a Kuchi-saki Onna. This isn’t a traditional Yokai, but rather an urban legend that went around in the modern ages. It’s a story that people started telling about a woman who wearing a face mask walks up to a man, asks them if they’re pretty, and if he says no she kills him, if he says yes, she cuts his face up to look exactly like hers. This urban legend is told and retold enough times and enough people believe it that it basically enters the popular conscious. Jung’s idea of the collective unconscious is the same, that myths emerge from the fact that people existing in a society all tend to share the same experiences in life and therefore often tell the same stories over and over again.

Curses’s emerge from this collective repression that humans do. Humans are built from lies. Humans feel hatred, murderous intent, but choose to repress these emotions instead of acting on them.

What Jogo is referring to is the persona. If the shadow is what’s underneath the surface, then the persona is the surface. It’s the mask that all humans wear.

The persona, for Swiss psychiatrist Carl Jung, was the social face the individual presented to the world—"a kind of mask, designed on the one hand to make a definite impression upon others, and on the other to conceal the true nature of the individual"

Persona is the way humans engage other people. Behavior is in part a performance. The way you behave changes based on who you are around, you don’t swear in front of your grandma, but you might if you’re hanging out with friends. Therefore you’re always intentionally presenting a portion of your personality and trying to show what you consider to be your best traits rather than your worst traits. The conscious mind decides, it acts, it performs, whereas the unconscious mind that we have no control over simply is. Which is why Jogo says that curses products of an unconscious mind are simply more honest than regular human beings.

Curses lack that mask. They can’t repress, they can’t lie, and they can’t ever deny their whims.

2. I Desire

This panelling in Mahito’s plan to either kill Yuji or offer the fingers to Sukuna is symbolic of this divide between conscious and unconscious. There are two faces to Yuji Itadori. There are two people essentially dwelling within the same body.

There is the forward facing Yuji, a well meaning boy who wants to save everyone he possibly can and surround himself with friends so he doesn’t want to die all alone like his grandfather. Then there’s Sukuna, the reverse face, the other side violence, selfishness, and the idea that might makes right personified. They may seem like total opposites, and yet they exist within the same body.

Sukuna... Sukuna is literally called a two faced spectre. He’s thematically designed around the concept of having too faces. But, Sukuna and Yuji aren’t the only two faced characters. Everyone has two faces, ultimately.

Yuji seems like he is too much of a good boy to have anything in common with Sukuna, but once again the idea here is dualism and not opposites. Yuji and Sukuna are two sides of the same coin. Yuji for all of his good intentions, is also capable of murderous anger, and relying on violence and strength above all else to solve his problems. Sukuna isn’t Yuji’s opposite, but rather someone who exist on the other side of Yuji.

And Jung would argue that this collectively exists for all people. Yuji can have a terrifying curse like Sukuna existing in his shadow. Getou who was a decent, caring person can suddenly snap one day and decide to kill every last person on earth. Curses argue that these violent desires, these horrible urges, are not inhuman but rather that they’re perfectly human and emerge from human nature. Jogo uses this reasoning to assert that because they are unfailingly true to these desires that curses are more human than human beings themselves.

This is in part what the small fry and reverse retribution arc was about.

Junpei, who is for the most part a normal good kid who loves his mom is also casually thinking about how if he had a button to press that would kill all of his bullies he would press it without hesitation. At the beginning of the arc Junpei isn’t seriously thinking of killing them of course, but those negative emotions exist in his head. Junpei is the standin for the everyman character. It’s an understandable feeling, if you were being bullied consistently and didn’t have a happy life, part of you would just wish the bullies would go away by any means necessary.

It’s not that hard to believe that the desire to kill is a completely human urge rather than an inhuman one. After all, humans make weapons, humans make wars, all of these are ugly sides of human nature that we often turn a blind eye too rather than confront.

Mahito argues to Junpei that there’s no reason for him to restict themselves. Because Mahito lacks what most humans would call a conscience, or a set of restraints. It’s like most people might feel the urge to kill their bullies just because they want the pain to end, but also most people have a switch that prevents them from acting on those urges. For Mahito that switch is broken. He has no mechanisms of repression, he’s pure desire.

So he doesn’t get it. He doesn’t get why people would choose to restrict themselves in any way. He doesn’t understand why people would want anything other than absolute freedom. What Mahito encourages Junpei to do is to live more like a curse. To do what he desires when he desires without needlessly holding himself back or thinking of the consequences.

It once again sounds inhuman but it emerges from human psychology. There’s an idea that overlaps with the shadow called the Id. Freud and Jung basically had models for the unconscious mind, Jung had a split model with Persona / Shadow while Freud split the mind into three.

In the ego psychology model of the psyche, the id is the set of uncoordinated instinctual desires; the super-ego plays the critical and moralizing role; and the ego is the organized, realistic agent that mediates, between the instinctual desires of the id and the critical super-ego

The id is a set of uncoordinated instinctual desires. For example if you had a cookie on a plate in front of Mahito and you told him not to eat it for five minutes, Mahito would have already eaten the cookie before you finished telling him. Mahito is pure Id, without any other part of the ego to interfere in his decisions. Freud split the ego into three planes, and just by coincidence there are now three major curses left.

Mahito, Choso, and Jogo. This is what we call a freudian trio, each character corresponds with one area in the model of the psyche. Mahito who is the most impulsive and desirious of the three is the Id. Mahito is unrestrained, while he seems to enjoy the company of the other curses he doesn’t seem to mourn Hanami’s death at all (when even Jogo reacted to it), and decides everything even his involvement with Junpei who he merely found interesting until he didn’t based on a whim. He lives his life unrelated, unattached. Which makes sense because Mahito is literally the embodiment of the fear to connect that stops people from getting close to others.

Choso is the opposite of Mahito. He’s the one most tied down. While Mahito emerges from the human psyche, Choso himself is literally a half-human half-curse hybrid with human emotions which makes him the most human of the trio as well. Mahiro is unrestricted, but Choso deliberately chooses to bind himself to his family, and his blood ties. Unlike Mahito he’s genuinely upset when he loses those ties and feels an obligation to kill Yuji to destroy them. He literally even uses blood as his weapon, and blood is a symbol of connection. This makes him the super-ego, because he’s the overly restrained and critical one.

Jogo, the middle ground between those two extremes who is also the only one trying to stick to the plan is the ego. While he’s the one trying to remain logical, it’s also easy to appeal to his curse nature and just like it’s the ego’s job to negotiate between the Id, and Superego, Jogo is the Ego because he serves as the middle ground between the two extremes who keeps their long term goal in mind.

Mahito can only think of his goal in the short term, and Choso can only think of the family ties he’s obligated to uphold, which makes the role of being the one to reconcile them both into looking at the big picture falls to Jogo.

Jogo is still a curse ultimately though, and he’s easily persuaded by Mahito’s appeal to desire rather than his logic.

Despite being capable of logical decision making Jogo is ultimately, prey to his impulsive nature as a curse. He doesn’t want to lose at the game, or left behind from all the others, or deny his desires and because of that he gets lured by Mahito into making the illogical move.

If in humans the conscious mind is the ruler, and the shadow is the subject then its the reverse in curses. The shadow is the ruler, desire will trump everything else while conscious mind will always fall underneath the rule of desire. Curses are capable of thinking and being logical, but they don’t have the switch that lets them repress themselves like humans do, and that’s what makes them so deadly.

#mahito #jogo #choso #jujutsu kaisen #suguru getou #curses #jujutsu kaisen meta #jjk icons #jujutsu kaisen theory #jjk meta

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fredheads · 3 years

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wip w(thursday) - college au

FP jolts awake at half-past-eight to a sound like the house is coming down. He sits up in bed, pushing his messy hair out of his eyes, and squints in the light coming through the window. There it was again - a shuddering, grinding noise that made the base of the lamp rattle violently on their night table. Then a crash.

Half-expecting an earthquake or fire, he stumbles downstairs in his boxer shorts. “What is going on here?” he yells, bypassing the kitchen to storm into Gladys’ room.

Gladys turns to look quizzically at him from where she’s standing on a kitchen chair, Fred’s cordless drill held in one hand. There’s a hole leaking plaster in the wall in front of her, and a crooked wooden shelf held up by two twisted metal brackets.

“I’m putting up shelves,” she declares, flicking the bangs out of her eyes with one hand. FP storms over to investigate the damage.

“Like hell you are. You wrecked this, look.” He points at the splintered brass brackets holding the shelf to the wall, where Gladys had driven the screws so deeply into the plate that they’d cracked. The metal was dented inward in an alarming state. He pulls on the lip of the wood. “This is going to-”

“Be careful!” Gladys snaps. With one sharp tug FP had removed the entire shelf from the wall, sending plaster crumbling all over the floor and their feet. Gladys gapes at him.

“Why did you pull it out!”

“I shouldn’t be able to pull it out! Did you even try to put it in a stud?”

“It was stable enough until you got your big mitts on it,” Gladys gripes, lining the drill up with the last bracket on the second shelf and firing the trigger. A truly horrible noise erupts as she grinds the screw into the plate, plaster crumbling down from behind the bracket as the metal bends.

“Augh, stop!” FP covers his ears. “Some of us are trying to sleep!”

“Oh, grow up.” Gladys steps down off the chair and plants her hands on her hips, cocking her head to examine the shelf. “I’d ask you if it’s straight, but I wouldn’t want to over-tax your neanderthal brain.”

FP slaps the shelf, and it falls immediately to the bedroom floor, the ill-fated screws and metal plates jangling away into the corner of the room. Gladys’ mouth drops open, and the shock on her face is so funny that FP bursts into unexpected laughter. Suddenly he’s choking as Gladys swings the flat of her hand hard into his throat, pushing him several steps backward and effectively cutting off his windpipe.

“Sorry,” she says flatly, removing her hand as FP wheezes for breath and tries not to gag. He doesn’t get the sense that she apologizes for much. “Force of habit.”

“Fuck.” FP holds his throat, struggling to breathe. “Where did Fred find you, again? The mob?”

Incredibly, Gladys just tilts her head back and laughs deep in her throat. She really was pretty when she laughed. Not that he was looking. But they could have done worse as far as Fred’s hopes of finding a cute roommate had gone.

“Did you have to come down here naked?” she asks finally. FP glances down at himself. He’d grown hot in the middle of the morning and swapped his sweatpants for the first pair of boxer shorts his hand had touched in the drawer - a gift from Fred last Valentine’s Day with huge pink hearts all over them.

“Well, I thought there was an earthquake, didn’t I?” FP gripes. “Give me that. Fred has a stud finder upstairs.”

He swipes the cordless drill out of her hand and storms back to their bedroom. When he comes back down with Fred’s toolkit in hand, Gladys is sitting on her dresser with a mug of coffee.

“You want?” She indicates a second mug on the small end table. FP takes it begrudgingly and gulps from it. It burns his tongue, but it’s as delicious as the pot she had made yesterday.

“Watch and learn,” he says, sliding the stud finder along the wall. He roots in Fred’s toolbox for new brackets and nails, carefully mounting the hardware before setting the shelves on top. Gladys begrudgingly holds them as he fires the nails in.

“I lost this chapter of the lesbian handbook,” Gladys says wryly. FP’s surprised - he hadn’t thought she’d had a sense of humour. It also makes his shoulders prickle in a weird way that he’s never been able to shake, the same odd, out-of-depth feeling he gets when he’s talking with other gay people. He’s not used to it - doesn’t know if he’ll ever be. Gladys keeps chattering away, oblivious to his discomfort. “Cars are what I’m good at. Don’t go to the student garages if you want an oil change, they’ll rip you off. I got it handled.”

“Do I look like someone who can’t change his own oil?”

Gladys raises an eyebrow but shrugs complacently. FP glances awkwardly down at his boxer shorts again - he had considered changing when he’d got upstairs, but hadn’t wanted Gladys to think it was for her benefit. “My apologies to your masculinity.”

She bends down and starts picking up the bent nails, piling them in her hand and ignoring him. The shelves stay put. FP hovers awkwardly, not sure where they’re leaving this conversation, until Gladys stands up, brushing her hair out of her face.

“I’ll take it,” he says, opening his hands so she can dump the busted nails in. But Gladys doesn’t hand them over.

“I didn’t grow up with much either,” she says measuredly. “My mom raised me alone on waitressing tips for the most part. I got here on my scholarship and from selling weed to a bunch of freshmen all throughout high school.” She shrugs and empties the handful of nails into his palm. “Just wanted to say I get it. But don’t think you’re the only person here struggling.”

“Thanks for the tip,” says FP flatly, being purposefully exasperating. He can’t keep himself from being rude sometimes - it’s a defence mechanism as reliable as his drinking had been. But Gladys seems nonplussed, turning around and ignoring his reply. She starts piling books from her desk onto one of the shelves and stepping back to admire them as though he’s not in the room. After a while FP turns around and lets himself out, feeling grumpier than ever for a reason he can’t quite place.

#gladys jones #fp jones #fred andrews #ive had this bitch written since last summer lmao #rip to my plans for the rest of this chapter that i dont remember #but these three as housemates is everything to me #dedicated to briana my love

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mono-red-menace · 3 years

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yet another patented adi vent. scroll past.

one issue that comes up that makes me so. weird about relationships is that friendships are so temporary. i'm a bad friend. i cant keep in contact i start to drift off because i'm scared they don't like me. with dating, it's different, they'd have to break up, we'd spend more time together because we're dating yk? it'd be weird if we didn't.

i'm your girlfriend, you'd only date me if you like me, so i talk to you more because you like me. (though i'm always scared you don't like me)

so like

i think part of the reason my brain convinces me i love you is that i know you probably don't care about my attention as much as i care about yours, i know that if i don't keep in contact you'll probably leave me, and i'm scared of being left alone..

i think my desire to date anyone who is my FP (today we welcome back an old friend, FP, aka favourite person, a term that's served me well) is a defence mechanism against my self-hatred. i don't believe i'm worthy of your attention, and i want to be, and i know i can't be, so i struggle to hang on and get myself way too deep.

i stop talking to friends because i see myself as not good enough, i fall in love because you're so perfect to me and i don't want to lose you, i obsess about how you don't actually love me, how could you, you just pity me, i push people away by being too scared they'll leave, the only people who stay are those who hold onto me hard enough.

i'm a horrible friend because i can't love myself because i can't find out why i hate myself. i don't care about what my dad said to me as a kid i don't care about what happened when i was younger i don't think i'm useless i don't hate myself for being gay or trans. i don't think i'm some hideous wretched thing most of the time anymore.

i think i hate myself for Being traumatised. and i think i hate myself for Being neurodivergent.

i think those are why i can't convince myself i'm worth loving.

i hate myself for my trauma, i hate myself for my neurodivergence, i hate myself for my behaviours based on those factors, i don't improve because in my mind those behaviours are Bad, i'm BAD for panicking that someone will leave me and i'm BAD for not understanding social cues and i'm BAD for having mood swings and i'm BAD for getting overstimulated and i'm BAD for being so impulsive and i'm BAD for forgetting things.

i cant stop myself from doing them because they're triggered by themselves.

how do i stop a behaviour when my hatred for the behaviour causes the behaviour?

my reason for coming to you with my breakdowns isn't because i want to guilt you into loving me, it's because i'm scared and i trust you and you make me feel safe, but in my mind i'm Manipulative, trying to keep you trapped in a relationship with me.

my feelings of affection for anyone are bad in my brain, regardless of what they are. in my brain, i'm Predatory, evil, i try to trick myself into thinking i love these people when i'm only in it for myself. that i don't care about their feelings, i just want to use them to feel good.

when i hurt myself, it's because i want to punish myself for my behaviours, i feel like i deserve the pain, the scars, the shame that comes with them, but i can never hurt myself bad enough, No Punishment is great enough for my brain.

to my brain, my scars aren't deep enough, not red enough, if i can't leave these scars then it proves i'm evil, because otherwise, in my brain, i'm just Pretending to be mentally ill so people will feel bad for me, so i can abuse them more.

to my brain, when i throw up i'm not allowed to stop until i can't anymore, until it hurts to move, because otherwise i'm being to lenient, i'll never learn, and i'm proving i don't want to change.

to my brain, when i hit myself in the head, or slam my head into the wall, it's never enough until i start seeing flashes with each impact. until i get dizzy and nauseous, until i get migraines.

it's punishment. for. existing while traumatised.

i cant be lenient to myself.

i have to punish myself.

it's my perfectionism, learned from my childhood.

i have to be perfect otherwise i'm worthless.

to me, my trauma is a flaw, and because i'm traumatised, i'm worthless.

and i don't know how to convince myself that's not the case.

#vent #long post #self harm #emetophobia

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moonlightlover21 · 4 years

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Beliath x Ethan fluff

English is not our first language so we are sorry if there are any mistakes. If you find any mistakes feel free to tell us.

Ethan p.o.v.:

It’s been 3 days since Vlad kept us from leaving the mansion. 3 days since I last slept. I just can’t get the horrifying image of that poor girl out of my head. Her entire throat was ripped open, exposed to all of us. The smell of her blood still lingers on my clothes. Sometimes I can’t understand why Vlad always chooses Beliath and me to get rid of all the corpses. Maybe he trusts us the most or maybe we’re just his errant boys, so he doesn’t get his delicate noble hands dirty. That ass!

I’m way too tired to think of anything else right now and my eyes keep falling shut even though the sun hasn’t risen above the horizon. If I’m honest I am terrified of going to bed, it has been some time since I’ve had my last flashback but I feel like the horrible death of that girl might have triggered something I thought long forgotten. In times like these the screams of my comrades still ring in my ears. Even though I don’t want to, the darkness keeps creeping up on me till I can’t tell the difference between dream and reality.

Beliath p.o.v:

After a successful night of partying and drinking(blood) I slowly tiptoe my way up the stairs trying not to wake our pretty blond boy from his beauty sleep. As if he really could hold me back from going out. As I pass Ethan’s door, I hear soft whimpering coming out of the room. Seems like I am not the only one having a good time. He probably won’t notice if I take a look. Slowly I open the door but to my surprise I’m not blessed with the sight of a naked beauty but rather with a sobbing Ethan. The fuck is going on? A little bit worried I take a step into the room, I’ve never seen him like this before. I’ve never seen him so vulnerable… Slowly without making any noise I approach his bed. “Hey, hey! Ethan wake the fuck up!”

Ethan’s p.o.v.:

*Meanwhile in Ethan’s dream*

First it appeared to be a dreamless sleep, but suddenly I hear gunfire, bombs exploding and screams of terror and pain. Then it all comes crashing down on me. The war, the battle of Verdun, my comrades, my friends, my love… All gone, all dead. I’m in the middle of a battlefield, fallen soldiers surround me. I try to get out of the trench and drag the wounded back into safety. But my comrade tries to hold me back: “You’re going to get yourself killed! You can’t help them! Stay down!”

“I still have to try. What kind of medic am I if I can’t even help them!” I scream at them and run into No-man’s-land. As soon as I got the first men in the trench, I run out to get the others but as I drag him back, I feel a sharp pain in my back. Horrified I look down at my chest only to realise that the front of my uniform is slowly getting soaked with my blood. I fall to my knees and feel two more shots hitting me, one on my shoulder blade and the other going straight into my spine. I begin to fade into unconsciousness as someone calls out to me. With the last of my strength to look in the direction the voice was coming from. Dread settles into my body as I realise that the one calling my name and running towards me is my love. I can’t recall his face but he was the only one stupid enough to come for me.

All of a sudden, a high-pitched tone fills the air. Right before the bomb hits the ground, I whispered my last “I love you”. So, this is it, wait for me on the other side I will follow soon.

The ringing in my ears continuous, I lie there for minutes or hours without a sense of time, drifting in and out of consciousness. The next time I come to myself I feel the last rays of sunlight hitting my face, as I turn to watch the sunset a hooded figure blocks my sight. Slowly the stranger approaches me. He kneels down beside me and grasps my chin to turn my head towards him. His pale yellowish eyes glisten in the last light of the day as he stares into my soul.

“Poor little soldier”, he coos to me “this will be your last day in the light.” The stranger leans down to my neck and suddenly a stinging pain overcomes me. I want to scream but no sounds leave my lips as my life is sucked out of me.

With a scream I wake up and find myself looking in Beliath’s worried face. I can see his mouth moving but I can’t seem to understand what he is saying. Still caught in the horrors of my dream I throw myself into his arms and cry for the first time in what feels like an eternity.

Beliath’s p.o.v.:

Finally, after shaking him and screaming at his face I was able to wake him up. Out of nowhere he embraces me and starts sobbing into my chest. After the shock wears of I find myself hugging him back, slowly caressing his back as he pulls away from me. “Well that’s something! I just wanted to go back in my room before Vlad kicks my ass and then I find you hear crying like a baby.” I said jokingly. But Ethan doesn’t answer like always he just looks down and sniffles. My mocking grin leaves my face as I realise that this is serious. I grab his shoulders and ask him: “What the hell happened?!”

“I…I’m sorry. Just…. Go to your room. I will be alright.” “I’m not going to leave you like this. Just tell me what happen!” Ethan sighs and lays his head on my shoulder. He starts telling me about his dreams and the horrible things he had to go through and the loss of someone very special to him.

Silence settles over us as I let everything sink in. “Wait…. you’re gay?!” The realisation hits me like Vlad’s walking stick. Ethan’s face turns crimson red. “It’s none of your business. Why, does it bother you?” “No, not at all…sweetheart, it’s quite the opposite. One would say I’m rather excited,” I say as my smile returns to my face. Ethan pushes me away and stares blankly at my face. “Quit joking and fuck off! I don’t know why I even told you all of that. I should have known you would fuck with me!” He tries to get up but I hold him back. “Calm down, I wasn’t making fun of you. It surprised me that you opened up to me, nothing more. I guess I could call myself honoured that you would tell me of all people.” I always knew his bad temper was some sort of self-defence or coping mechanism. All of us had a pretty bad past and I think that’s what connects us. “I’ve got an idea so we can your mind of things,” I say as I manoeuvre us so that he sits in between my legs, his back pressed against my chest. Ethan gets flustered again and his whole body tenses. “The fuck are you doing you ass?” “Just trying to calm you down.” He sighs and relaxes.

We sit like that for a while no words being said. Ethan gradually relaxes more and more till I can feel his head fall down on my shoulder. I smile to myself and softly kiss his temple. As I carefully adjust us to lay more comfortably, Ethan murmurs in his sleep and turns around to snuggle into my chest. I, too can feel myself drifting off. Suddenly light fills the room and a very familiar voice screams out for Ethan. Confused and still half asleep I see Raph standing in the door. “Good Morning Ethan, Vlad wants to hold a meeting in the library so please hurry to be there on time.” Raph turns around and just before he closes the door he says with a chuckle: “You too Beliath.”

You can also find the fanfiction on Wattpad under the same name. Requests are open of course, so if you want us to write a short story about the boys and Eloise feel free to tell us.

#moonlight lovers #moonlight lovers beliath #moonlight lovers ethan #beemoov #ml ethan #ml beliath #moonlight lovers fanfiction #vampires

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gloriousfarmkidpasta · 4 years

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I cried more than I have ever when watching a show. Even more than season 1 and 2. Ander's story hit me so hard and even though it seemed like they just randomly gave him cancer, in real life, that is something that springs up on you. You ignore signs and only check when forced or told to. It hits close to home.

The entire 'Polo' episode I felt like I just didn't stop crying. I felt it was so perfectly done. Lu being the murderer was perfect for me. She was drunk. I doubt she would've done it of she wasn't. All she wanted was for Polo to stop hurting the people she loved. She pushed him back not realising what she had done after Polo had said those horrible things to her. And in that moment she understood Polo I feel. They both killed on moments of rage and anger after being mocked and trying to protect people they love.

And then when everyone came together I didn't really understand it at first. But when Lu said that they were family in her speech, it made me realise that as much as what happened in season 1 had broke them apart, it also brought them closer together.

And then when Polo fell. I just burst into tears. I know. I know. He's a murderer. But when you see the remorse and the fact that it's a tv show I find it hard to hate him. Alvaro Rico played this role so well. He was so remorseful but at the same time just wanted to make things better. He wanted everything to be perfect which is why he pushed everything he'd done away until everyone else reminded him of it. It's a complicated feeling for me I love how complex he is but at the same time he Murdered Marina. HIS BEST FRIENDS SISTER.

And then when Guzman forgave him and held him. I felt that so much. When you've known someone for so long and love them. When they hurt you it kills you inside. And no matter how much you think you'd rather see them suffer, when you actually see it happen, it kills you. And Guzman realised this.

I feel like all my ships got somewhat ruined this season. I mean there was still some hope for Guznadia in the future and those phone calls broke me, I was still mad cause sometimes you want to protect yourself with this imaginary bubble but the truth is this is real life. Sometimes you need time and space apart and when you find your way back together, the person you've become can influence how you feel about that person. I hope they find their way back to each other. I wish they had more scenes together this season. Also that mast kiss though. Ugh I wish there was more.

And then there's Carmuel. I don't know what happened. But I didn't like it. I know Carla was trying to protect her mother but she then broke her own heart as well as Samuel and Yeray's. And then Samuel used Rebeka to try and get over Carla as well as putting her mum away in prison just off of the intuition of that stupid inspector that her friend will get Nano freedom to come back. I just ruined it for me. Rebeka deserved better. I feel like everyone deserved better this season. And then when Samuel was just sat eating Macaroni on his own :/

And then Omander. WTF. I just dont even know. I understand Ander pushing Omar away when he first found out because it's a defence mechanism when you're dealing with something like that. But when he lied about cheating with that guy and then lay in bed crying. It just hurt me so much. And then Omar never properly admitted to cheating with Malick. I was also quite suprised that he was angry at Ander for lying about cheating when he actually cheated on Ander although it's everyone's personal feelings I guess. But I'm so glad they found their way back to each other. And I'm so happy that Ander is in remission. And that little throwback to season 1. It's so hard not to love them.

I'm going to talk about Caye/Polo/Valerio. I understand why they got together. Honestly it never really weirded me out. I loved it. Valerio felt accepted and not judged. And I feel like he was starting to fall for Caye. Polo had to ruin it all though. And I feel like him and Caye had love in a different way to what he and Carla had. Their love was more desperate for companionship more than anything. I think that's why Caue said to him that she didn't love him the right way. Because they used each other but they felt accepted. As much as Caye anoyed and angered me for what she did I really felt for her when Polo died. Because when you love someone no matter what the variation of that live is, it hurts you to see them suffer or in pain. And then at the end when she and Rebeka just sat in the steps hugging I felt that. Cause Rebeka lost her dad. She knows that both matter what kind if person you are, you hurt when you lose someone you love.

One thing I am annoyed at is the fact that Lu and Valerio never apologised to Nadia and Guzman for the video. However I do love Nadia and Lu developing friendship and so I think that Nadia knows that Lu can't admit her mistakes that quickly. Although that doesn't excuse what she did.

Anyway I'm so excited to see if theres anything new to come. I hope that people come back such as Nadia, Lu and Carla to visit because I dont want it to end. It will never be the same without the original and season 2 cast. When that song came on when they were walking out the club about goodbyes I fully broke. It felt like this was truly goodbye.

I feel like I ranted so I'm gonna stop. Theres mixed reviews about this season but ultimately I do understand most of their decisions.

#nadia x guzman #guznadia #elite s3 #elitenetflix #Netflix #Élite #Lu #Carla #Nadia #Omar #Ander #Samuel #Guzman #Polo #Rebeka #Cayetana #Valerio #Carmuel #Omander

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confusedhost-archive · 4 years

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A Dark Shadow

(A venty oneshot I wrote last night When I wasn’t feeling very good.)

Ao3 link

Description: Tokoyami didn’t know what his quirk was, and when he finally learned the truth, he was terrified.

Warnings: Depression, bullying, suicidal thoughts, suicide mention, self harm, disturbing imagery(?), no happy ending(?)

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Tokoyami was a late bloomer. He didn't get his quirk until he was eleven and labeled 'bird head'. At this point, he hadn't expected to have a special power. He was sure that his quirk was just his face, like so many other mutants. He remembered exactly how it had been. The other children, with better, cooler quirks laughed at him. "Mutant! Monster!" They teased. Monster. That was a new one. Usually it was just mutant. The new nickname made him feel bad. He didn't like it. It's alright. They can call you whatever they want. Feel grateful that you don't have it worse. Tokoyami was afraid. Something was talking to him, and he didn't know what. This voice sounded very nice, but it wanted him to stop feeling bad. How did he do that? Tokoyami didn't have time to figure it out, because nearly immediately afterwards, something pushed it's way out of his stomach, an inky black mass. It growled at the children. They ran away. The knowledge of his new quirk made Tokoyami forget about the voice that had whispered reassurances into his ears. Looking back, maybe he should've realized what his quirk really was sooner.

The second time Tokoyami met Dark Shadow, they really talked. This was two weeks after the first incident, and more than enough time for everyone, including Tokoyami, to pin the blame on the girl the next class over, who could make holograms. Tokoyami was on the roof for lunch. He was thinking about the shadow that could've been his quirk, and how upsetting it was that it was all fake. You shouldn't feel like that. What about how blessed you are? Your parents still love you. You aren't quirkless. You live in a nice house. You have it so much better than so many people out there. Don't feel bad. That's rude to others. That strange sensation of something forcing it's way out of his stomach came over him again. He squirmed in discomfort. The voice made him stop. No. You have a quirk, and this is it helping you. Let it. Get used to this feeling. Some people have to cut themselves open to use their quirks. You’re lucky. So Tokoyami stopped moving and let that black mass come out again. "Hello," Tokoyami said, waving at it. "What should I call you?" The mass tilted his head. "Hello. I don't know." "That's fine." Tokoyami nodded. He knew a lot about not knowing stuff. "Do you want me to give you a name?" He asked. The black mass nodded. "Okay." Tokoyami looked the mass up and down, hoping that inspiration would hit him. He noticed that the mass looked like him. "You look like my shadow. So I'm going to call you Dark Shadow." Dark Shadow looked happy with this information. "Thank you!" He'd said happily. "I love my new name!" The knowledge that Dark Shadow liked this name made Tokoyami forget about the voice that had whispered advice into his ears. Looking back, maybe he should've realized what his quirk really was sooner.

Over the span of four months, Dark Shadow would appear more and more frequently. Soon, he could come around four times a day. Tokoyami loved it. Dark Shadow was his best friend, and the more often he could come around, the better. Until, of course, Dark Shadow started appearing when he wanted to sleep. Tokoyami could remember the first time it happened. It was on the evening of his twelfth birthday, and Tokoyami was tired. He shut the door, turned off the lights and dragged himself into bed. The moment he got comfortable, the voice began plaguing him with thoughts of what he'd done wrong that day. You were annoying her. Remember her face? She didn't want to be talking to you. Next time, think about other people a bit more. If you want to be a hero, you need to stop being so selfish, and do more for others. That tugging feeling that Tokoyami never quite got used to pulled at him again. "'Ark Shadow? Whad're you doing here?" He asked. He was drowsy, but Dark Shadow's movement was keeping him awake. "I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know-" Dark Shadow sped from place to place, looking panicked. "Toko, I'm so energetic I can't even breathe-" Tokoyami opened his arms, whispering a soft, "Come here." Dark Shadow nuzzled into him, and Tokoyami hugged him tight. "Toko, the dark feels really nice, but it's so much. It makes me feel really powerful. I don't think I like it," Dark Shadow explained. The knowledge that the dark made Dark Shadow more powerful made Tokoyami forget about the voice that had whispered mistakes into his ears. Looking back, maybe he should've realized what his quirk really was sooner.

Each and every time Dark Shadow appeared, the voice would speak to him. Usually, Tokoyami could pretend that it was giving him advice or was trying to help him out. By his thirteenth birthday, those excuses wouldn't work anymore. Kill yourself. Tokoyami was in the middle of grabbing some juice when the voice spoke. At this point, Dark Shadow was out at all times of the day, and the voice spoke to him at all times as well. Blatant suicidal thoughts were completely new though. Kill yourself, it will fix all of this. Fix all of what? It was the first time Tokoyami had spoken back to the voice, and he wondered if it would do anything. How you act towards other people, how you are so annoying, how you are doing horribly at becoming a hero, how you can't even use your quirk properly. All of it. I can't be a hero if I'm dead. Try again. "Tokoyami!" A cousin called, ruffling his feathers. "What's up, little man?" Tokoyami gave the smallest grin. "The ceiling." See? That was a horrible joke. Completely overused. You can't be a complete embarrassment if you aren't here to embarrass yourself. "Good answer, good answer. How's school going for you then?" Your logic is completely flawed. "Well. I'm keeping my grades high. I'd like to get into UA and with how low their acceptance rates are, I believe I'll need to be good academically." Tokoyami said. He isn't here to listen to you ramble. You should shut up. Forever. He is actually here to listen to me ramble. He began the conversation, idiot. And so Tokoyami spent the night fighting the voice and keeping conversation with his family smooth. Some sick part of him enjoyed the fact that he was able to juggle both conversations at once. The rest of him hoped he'd never need to do that again. The knowledge that the voice wanted more than to see Tokoyami succeed in life made Tokoyami forget what exactly it was that the voice had said. Looking back, maybe he should've realized what his quirk really was sooner.

By age fourteen, Tokoyami had realized that the dark made all his thoughts worse. There was nothing in the dark to distract him from Dark Shadow and the voice. He would need to just sit there, waiting for half an hour to fall asleep. Sometimes he'd cry. The voice would tell him that he was weak if he did that. Sometimes he would stop breathing. It hurt so much, and he would turn, back and forth, clawing at his throat until he could breathe again. Sometimes he would hold his breath. It hurt so much, until it was all he could focus on, and the voice would be quiet. If it didn't hurt enough, the voice would tell him that he's weak. That he would never be able to be a hero if his pain tolerance was so low. Tokoyami hated it. He wouldn't bother anyone though. Because he wasn't really depressed. He was just suicidal sometimes, and that was just for attention. That's all it was. He didn't really need help. And, even if he did, it would be rude to tell other people. He didn't want to be rude. The knowledge that he wasn't really depressed made Tokoyami forget that that all of this was just a bunch of things the voice had said. Looking back, maybe he should've seen what his quirk really was sooner.

At age fifteen, Tokoyami was used to looking at high up places and wondering if that was a good place to jump from, or cutting up vegetables for dinner and wondering if the knife was sharp enough to cut himself with. He was used to watching the news and seeing heroes and villains fighting and wanting to jump in between. So it was no surprise to Tokoyami that when he got to UA highschool, he heard the voice whispering about the defence mechanism that could chop him in half, and that if he could get to the roof of the school, he could jump off, and by being here, he could easily jump in the middle of a villain attack and die an honorable death. On their first class trip, they encountered villains. The voice told Tokoyami to save the people that he'd landed with before letting himself get hurt. All the villains had been defeated before Tokoyami could get hurt. The voice got angry. On their second class trip, the entire class had been rolled down a hill to fight earth golems. Tokoyami fought long and hard. The voice yelled at him because they still didn't make in on time. It was his fault. Tokoyami didn't sleep at all that night. The next day, Tokoyami trained to be stronger. He needed to control Dark Shadow in the dark. He did his best, but his best was just crying as the voice and Dark Shadow screamed that he was weak and worthless. It was an act of desperation that made Dark Shadow quiet down. It took two full hours of screaming for them to shut up to make only one calm down. Tokoyami said that it was good progress. He also said that it wasn't enough. Tokoyami didn't sleep that night. The next evening, they went out to play a game. 'The test of Courage' they called it. Villains attacked in the middle of it. Tokoyami only managed to loose control of Dark Shadow, letting him go on a rampage. It took the others luring him over to a villain for him to actually manage to help. The voice was angry. Tokoyami didn't manage to fall asleep until someone gave him a sedative. He didn't dream. The knowledge that he was messing up the entire class made Tokoyami forget that he'd done some good things too. Looking back, maybe he should've seen what his quirk really was sooner.

When Tokoyami was sixteen, he finally managed to realize that he really was depressed. He really was suicidal. That didn't mean anything changed though. Tokoyami still felt like the worst. He still listened to the voice, and the voice was beginning to become more convincing. On one nice spring night, he stayed up until 2 in the morning, a sharp knife prepared and a suicide note already written. The voice, Dark Shadow, and Tokoyami had been planning this for nearly a month. He copy and pasted the well thought out suicide note to the chat of people who had real sleep schedules and wouldn't be awake at this hour.

Good morning everyone.

Tokoyami pressed send.

I'm sorry for ruining your day, but I will be gone by the time you all wake up.

He moved over to his vanity, grabbing the sharpened knife that he'd pulled from the kitchen.

I know that I sent this to only a handful of you, but I didn't want anyone that is awake at this time to see this and stop me.

"Do you really want to do this?" He asked himself, his fingertips only brushing the handle of the knife.

Show the others this note, please, so that they understand what happened.

"Yes." He answered himself, steeling his resolve as tears pricked the corners of his eyes.

To all of you, I love you, and I'm so happy we met.

"Yes. You want to do this." He repeated, grabbing the knife with shaky hands.

You made all of this so much more bearable.

"You do. You really, really want to do this." He forced out, holding the knife above his wrist.

My decision isn't your fault in any way, and I don't want you to feel guilty over what I've done.

The edge of the blade touched bare skin and Tokoyami choked out a sob.

Please, become heroes and live your lives the way you really want to.

The voice was quiet.

Do what you love, and do it well.

Dark Shadow didn't come out.

Save people like me from doing what I've done, and live long.

"You want this." Tokoyami reminded himself as he pressed harder.

Become beautiful people, and live the life I wanted.

On the counter, Tokoyami's phone glowed with a notification.

I'm sorry that I needed to die.

The sound of an ambulance wailed outside the 1-A dorms.

With all my love,

Everything was red.

Tokoyami

-----

That brings us to now, where Tokoyami sits in a hospital bed, arms wrapped in bandages. Two hours ago, he'd woken up. An hour and forty five minutes ago, he'd been told that Tsuyu Asui had been awake at the ungodly hour that he'd sent the suicide note. She'd panicked and called for an ambulance, knocking on his door, understandably fearing for his life. An hour and a half ago, Tsuyu Asui had come into the hospital room, crying, and asking if she could hold his hand. "Please..." She'd whispered with her lisp. "I- I justh want to make sure that you're real." New tears had rolled down both of their cheeks. "To make sure you stayed with us." They'd cried together for an hour, then Tsuyu had to go. She promised that she'd visit everyday until he was released. She promised that she would take care of him enough for the both of them. Tokoyami believed her. A therapist came in at the thirty minutes mark. He asked some questions, before letting Tokoyami ramble about the voice and Dark Shadow. Tokoyami told him how it had been like this ever since he got his quirk at eleven years old. He talked about how he kept on hearing this voice that spoke to him, telling him things that he did wrong. He talked about how, at age thirteen, the voice began telling him to kill himself. Tokoyami had to keep quiet for a moment as what he'd done hit him full force. It had hurt so much, and the red, everywhere- What about his mother? His father? His teachers, his classmates, Tsuyu? All of them would be affected by his death. God, what had he done? The therapist left after Tokoyami finished telling him how the voice would speak and Dark Shadow would appear. Five minutes ago, a quirk specialist had come in. He grabbed Tokoyami's hands, and the boy was engulfed by a warm glow. He left nearly immediately after. One minute ago, the quirk specialist came back in to tell Tokoyami the news. "Your quirk is... Not great for your mental health," He began. "Your quirk is a depressant. In order to use your quirk, you need to have these thoughts. This voice is a side effect of your quirk that is made to help you have these thoughts and use your quirk. You..." The specialist sighed. "You can't get rid of this. It's your quirk, and the best we can do it give you anti-quirk pills. Those also may not work, because your quirk is sentient. This depressive state is..." The man got up. "Incurable. I'm very sorry." He left the room, likely to tell his parents about the bad news.

Looking back, maybe he should've seen what his quirk really was sooner.

-----

Tsuyu came in the next day to find a crying Tokoyami. "Tokoyami?" She called, placing the black rose she'd brought in at Tokoyami's feet. "What'th wrong?" She asked, sitting on the edge of the hospital bed. "This- This is because of my quirk, Tsu!" He whispered, horrified. Tsuyu tilted her head in confusion. "Tsu, they can't fix me because my quirk makes me like this- They can't fix me because they can't fix my quirk." Tokoyami watched as tears watered in the girl's eyes. She covered her mouth with her hand, her quiet sobs still noticeable from beneath. She pulled him into a hug, gripping the fabric of the hospital gown tightly. "You didn't detherve this..." She gasped into his shoulder. "You didn't detherve any of this." Slowly, Tokoyami hugged her back, warm tears pricking at his own eyes. His chest squeezed painfully, and there was lump in his throat. "I just want to feel better," He choked out, the wet tears on his shoulder feeling almost comforting. "Is that too much to ask?"

The black rose fell to the floor.

#Venty #Oneshot #Bnha #mha #Tokoyami #Fumikage #Depression #Self harm tw #Suicide tw #Suicide mention #no happy ending #A dark shadow #Dark Shadow #Bullying #Vent #Fanfiction #Fanfic #Book #Writing

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retrauxpunk · 5 years

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silicon valley grand finale recap: 6.07

everything under the cut, complete with spoilers :)

okay alec berg

okay

you won me over as i suspected and hoped and wanted you to but i dared not hope too much because of what a clusterfuck 6.06 was in my opinion

i had low expectations as a defence mechanism

but i’ve just watched this magnificent 45-minute farewell behemoth of an episode and you know what? FINE.

FINE

IT WAS REALLY REALLY GOOD and it’s good enough that i’m now slightly less mad about 6.06 because you know what OKAY the dumbass rushed-execution plotline about the AI — yeah okay now that the finale’s out, OKAY, YES, it was WORTH the russfest deus ex machina fucker to get THIS.

a really good finale that i’m. HAPPY WITH.

i FELT THE EMOTIONS when i was meant to feel them! it resonated! it was brilliant!

oh man

i don’t know if i have too much to say because i’m just quite happy with it and now that the whole thing’s over, i no longer have the suspense? but okay let’s see

so firstly i woke up to a DM from some fucker (someone i’d intermittently chatted SV with on instagram after they reached out to me; someone who, prior to this, i would not have called a fucker) and all i saw were the notifications reading something like ‘have you seen the episode’ and ‘heartbreaking’ and i swear to god i was fucking livid because, like, i recognise that that’s not a spoiler DETAIL about PLOT per se but i’m one of those freaks who, when i really like something, i don’t want to know fucking ANYTHING! including the emotional reaction anyone has to it because then!! then!!!! i fucking start thinking about what happened! it’s giving me some kind of information that i previously did not have and which i did not want to have because i DO NOT WANT my experience coloured by other people’s reviews! because they give away SOMETHING

(if you were doubting the veracity of me relating to richard the most out of the characters. behold this petty rage and tell me i’m wrong)

(also i KNOW it could’ve just been saying ‘the show’s over now and that’s heartbreaking’ but the point is I DON’T KNOW THAT RIGHT because you only get a truncated view in notifications and it’s not like i’m gonna open the fucking chat to CHECK if it’s ACTUALLY A SPOILER at the risk of viewing S P O I L E R S)

(they don’t call me the richard hendricks bitch for nothing, that moniker has a new dimension now)

yeah so i blocked this guy (and then sent him a technically polite and civil but otherwise really fucking pissy DM in response after i’d watched the episode) and then went about my day

i had a good day, which was good. gotta be in the right mood to consume the final installment of my favourite tv show ever.

i started watching.

documentary, huh? this is. INTERESTING.

and it becomes clear that something’s fucked up. even without instagram fucker’s comment, it is clear. given the fact that richard looks like a lonely soul in a retirement home at the beginning of the documentary, with all the colours/backdrop and the weighty comments of how ‘everything was fine’

and then there’s the party ... hurray ... richard in the cake! love it. sometime do some fic/art of richard popping out of a cake in a jarrich context lol

monica’s gift of the text messages! that’s really sweet and i loved it.

THE DOT. HOLY SHIT RICHARD YOU EAGLE-EYED MOTHER FUCKER

also u fuckin nerd with the ellipsis comment........... tbh i get it, i appreciate that joke

(oh jared. dutifully laughing at all his jokes. LITERALLY LIKE HOW SOMEONE WITH A CRUSH LAUGHS AT ALL THEIR CRUSH’S DUMBASS JOKES HHHHHHH)

I really enjoyed when jared mansplained and got bitten by monica lmao i just ............ i’m not fully able to articulate why i liked it but i REALLY ENJOYED IT hahah

GILFOYLE!! appearing with the lock the doors comment and cliff bars and a gun ...... oh boy i love him ;_;

i enjoy that they explicitly(ish) mention that gilfoyle’s an alcoholic lmao

also, dinfoyle shippers, gilfoyle passing out in the men’s room after a rendezvous with dinesh? huh? huh? -aggressively nudges and winks-

...anyway

i love that it’s the combination of richard’s obsessive meticulousness and gilfoyle’s hardcore work ethic and security-mindedness that reveal this fatal flaw with pied piper. it’s a nice collaboration of sorts and it speaks kind of to each person’s greatest strengths (diligence, thoroughness) (i mean we know richard’s other greatest strength is the talent of his coding and gilfoyle’s other greatest strength is also his brilliance and also his being smoking hot but y’know i didn’t say greatest strength at the exclusion of others...)

OH MAN

YES GILFOYLE you have a strong moral compass and want to kill the monster!

laurie being in prison .......................for no clearly defined reason.....and her hair’s still perfect..... yeah i’m here for it. also she does strike me as someone who’d do pretty much fine in prison lmao

i liked richard and jared’s rooftop conversation. i ..... i was annoyed with jared mentioning gwart because THAT WHOLE THING WITH GWART AND JARED LEAVING AND THEN COMING BACK AND THE I MISS YOU AND WHATEVER I DON’T CARE WHILE LITERALLY CRYING AND ALL OF THAT STILL FEELS LIKE AN ARC THEY STRAIGHT UP FORGOT TO CONTINUE/RESOLVE AND I’M STILL FUCKING MAD but aside from that i liked the conversation.

this whole series has been instance after instance of richard’s idealism and moral compass seeming to thwart his success because he refuses to do shitty things and instead chooses the harder but ultimately morally good path, and it’s ...... i love that this culminates in him making one of the most difficult/painful idealistic choices of all: let his dream of six years come to fruition and possibly (rather than certainly, at this point) ruin the whole fucking world, or kill his dream and really truly make the world a better place by SAVING THE FUCKIGN WORLD?

UGH YES *chef’s kiss*

love that jared’s agreeing with him/supporting him the whole time and you can fucking SEE richard calming down from his initial rage and seeing that, oh, okay, no, he has no choice, he Must kill the beast he has created...

and at that point screaming FUCK from the rooftop seems like a pretty sane response

love the cut to him in his i-mean-business blue hoodie (was it his blue hoodie? i can’t remember but i feel like it was?) being like ‘gilfoyle’s right’ lol

THE THING WITH DINESH’S CAR AND CRACKING TESLA’S ENCRYPTION

this was cool enough that i did not care about technological feasibility, Rule of Cool achieved

and dinesh’s speech about how he couldn’t be trusted! oh boy

like jared said, it was a magnificently courageous moment of cowardice. LOVE. IT.

(also i couldn’t help thinking, lol was this done as a response to kumail nanjiani’s schedule clashing with the others so they had to have all his scenes separate rom the rest of the cast? i mean either way they executed it stunningly)

oh BOY THE THING WITH GABE AND JOHN STAFFORD!!! and you know if gilfoyle had been friends with john stafford then maybe john would’ve fucking called gilfoyle and checked before fixing this shit!!

is this what they intended? i’m not sure. but it sure makes the gilfoyle chess subplot seem a lot less frustrating than the other going-nowhere-but-comedic-relief subplots that were in themselves fine but made me mad when i saw how rushed 6.6 was

gabe lmao

fuckin gabe

BUT GOOD ON GABE FOR LETTING DINESH KNOW JUST IN CASE!! THANK YOU GABE!!!

and OH BOY DINESH! YOU CAME THROUGH! YOU HAVE A GOOD CORE AFTER ALL! YOU COULD’VE DONE NOTHING AND BECOME RICH BUT YOU CLIMBED A SKYSCRAPER’S WORTH OF STAIRS AND SAVED THE FUCKING WORLD!

lmao i loved kumail nanjiani’s horrible wheezing as he opens the door and then despairs and then wheezes his way up the surprise additional stairs, i actually started laughing in my seat. brilliant physical comedy.

also loved gilfoyle’s ‘are you jacking off’ ‘did you do one push-up’ jibes lmao

brill

YES DINESH SAVED THE DAY!

AND GILFOYLE SAVED THE DAY! WHEN RICHARD (not entirely unreasonably) FUCKING FROZE AND GILFOYLE MADE AN EXECUTIVE DECISION AND TRUSTED DINESH AND IT PAID OFF! YESSSSS

oh and speaking of trusting dinesh. richard being like ‘dinesh you fucked us’ and then apologising and dinesh being all ‘you’re good, i’d think i fucked us too’ AHHH *chef’s kiss*

THE RATS? LMAO THE RATS? verging on maybe too ridiculous but I THINK I LIKED IT.

oh boy

CONAN

BILL GATES LOL

KARA SWISHER

PRESUMABLY MANY OTHER BRILLIANT GUEST STARS I MISSED

YES

oh man that convo on the roof! the only issue i had with that was jared being relegated to the seats behind them WHY ! WHY WAS THAT!!

ok i’m gonna headcanon it as like, they were gonna make room for him but he was like ‘OH NO NEVER MIND I’LL SIT BEHIND YOU, I LIKE BEING ABLE TO WATCH OVER YOU ALL’ ok there i fixed it. it’s plausible and i fixed it.

gilfoyle drinking entire bottles of tres commas? man he’s so hot and alcohol-soaked i’m astonished he hasn’t spontaneously combusted yet

THEY SAVED THE WORLD ;___;

MY BABIES SAVED THE WORLD

oh and now the present day................ (of the episode) ......

gavin as a trashy romance novelist and denpak as his long-suffering ghostwriter/collaborator? LOVE IT LMAO yeah sure why not!! and that scene when they’re arguing but then have this breakthrough about their novel in progress? AMAZING HAHAHAH i hope they’re happy together

RICHARD IS THE GAVIN BELSON PROFESSOR OF ETHICS WHAT THE FUCK

I MEAN OKAY FIRSTLY he is well-qualified to be an ethics in tech professor given his experience

BUT DOES IT NOT KILL HIM TO HAVE GAVIN BELSON IN HIS TITLE LMAO

maybe gavin made a hefty donation to stanford and bighead gave enough of that to richard that richard doesn’t mind

maybe at this point richard’s developed a good enough sense of humour to tolerate it because if he didn’t, he’d go fucking insane

he said he was happy .................... was he? i’ve no fucking idea tbh. what do you guys think? richard’s happy with a high-paying non-stressful job, or richard’s sad and despairing? ......i’m gonna go with the former. maybe wistful. maybe he’ll start another company one day. idek.

god when he said his best friend gave him a job ... for a second i thought it was jared. but oh well. OH WELL. OH WELLLLL.

LOVE that big head is president of stanford and it’s not addressed AT ALL how that happened and you know what? we had enough of him failing upward that we don’t need an explanation! this seems totally plausible! amazing.

and josh brener’s acting when they’re like ‘do they call you that because your surname is bighetti’ .......... amazing

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH DINESH AND GILFOYLE STARTED A COMPANY TOGETHER AND HOLY FUCKING SHIT OH MY GOD

hey i just realised is NEWELL ROAD the place where the guy who bought dinesh’s laptop from the office clearance sale lived where gilfoyle turned up pretending to be geek squad to punch a hole in the laptop????!!

okay i just went back and checked and that’s not it. BUT newell road is the street the hacker hostel’s on!

which is fucking adorable and i love it.

ALSO

AS FAR AS I’M CONCERNED THEY FUCKING MADE DINFOYLE CANON BECAUSE LOOK GILFOYLE SAYS THAT THING ABOUT DINESH BUYING THE HOUSE NEXT TO HIS BECAUSE HE LOVES HIM AND DINESH HAS NOTHING TO SAY BUT ‘FUCK YOU’ AND YOU KNOW WHAT

YEAH THEY DID IT

THEY STARTED A COMPANY TOGETHER AND GOT MARRIED

i swear to god when they said there was a meeting i just briefly imagined the ‘meeting’ was them sneaking off to a supply closet to fuck or something

YESSS

so we didn’t get jarrich but WE GOT THIS

okay whatevs i’ll take what i can get *blows coolly on nails*

jared working with the elderly! that thing about having parents and being someone’s parents! that’s so beautiful and makes so much sense it works somewhat as a salve to the darkly comedic but ultimately not really necessary punch to the gut that was the discovery about his biological parents.

judy reading one of gavin’s romance novels HAHAH YES

oh boy! the reunion!

i swear to god when richard and jared walked up to each other IT STILL FUCKING FELT LIKE THEY WERE GONNA KISS

everyone hugging!

GILFOYLE LOOKING TO THE CAMERA WHEN RICHARD AND JARED HUG

to me, that’s him being like ‘look at these two. ten years and they’ve not realised they’re in love yet’ hahahha

oh and Monica working for the NSA? yeah i can see it hahahah

jian-yang’s crazy jungle empire? yeah fuckin checks out

(RON’S PANIC WHEN RICHARD STARTS ADMITTING GUILT AND HE HAS TO BACKTRACK LMAO love the law jokes/references)

dinesh referring to gilfoyle’s horrible corner hahaha it’s so clear they fucking love each other they wouldn’t have fucking started a company if they didn’t also THEY LIVE NEXT DOOR TO EACH OTHER WHAT THE FUCK OH MY GOD THANK YOU FOR THIS GIFT

at first i was like oh god did richard and jared not see each other for years??? but then there was that line about ‘i saw you last week’ and i’m so happy again. headcanon best friends (not to say that big head isn’t also a best friend of richard’s) and they catch up and love each other and then fall in love down the line (TIME TO WRITE A FIC LOL)

WHEN JARED HAD THE THING IN HIS BAG I GUESSED IT WAS THE ALWAYS BLUE THING AND WHEN IT CAME OUT I ACTUALLY PUT MY HAND OVER MY MOUTH AT ALL THE FEELINGS AND OH BOY OH BOY YESSSSS

<3333

richard losing the thumb drive. HA.

good. good setup

now the spinoff of sv is this apocalyptic hellhole because the thumb drive fell into the wrong hands and now pied piper have gathered to face/fight the apocalypse

i..... could write that fic. i could.

i imagine in that apocalypseverse jared has super surprisingly become a ruthless leader of a tribe, dinesh and gilfoyle are dual rulers obviously (or like, scavenger rebels on the fringes), monica has a terrifying tribe of followers or has made herself indispensable to another leader, richard is working as a tech slave for someone horrible (or is out in the woods after being stranded away from civilisation when the first attacks/clusterfucks occur) but then gets rescued by jared/the rest .............. yeah

OKAY ANYWAY

in short i really really liked it and i think the whole idea of them having to purposely fail to save the world from the terrible genius of what they’ve created is a fitting and deliciously bittersweet way to end this wild journey and i LOVE THIS WHOLE FUCKING SERIES and i don’t wish it had ended any other way

except for richard and jared kissing and sailing off into the sunset of course

#rain watches sv s6 #silicon valley #sv spoilers #sv s6 spoilers #silicon valley spoilers #precipitation #my sv text posts

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