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syubub · 3 years

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2021 Reading for BTS and the collective!!

Wow wow wow! I didn't disappear or get dragged away by a demon. No no, I just got thrust into unexpected shadow work and I now have an unhealthy obsession with sea shanties and a love of pasta.

I had this idea planned to be early in January but that didn't pan out so I'm doing it now. I have another yoongi reading in the works and another fun thing coming soon as well!!

I promise I won't bore you to death any longer but I hope you've all been doing well!!

Disclaimer: This is for entertainment purposes only and not to be taken as fact.

If this message doesn't apply, let it fly!

Cool cool cool.

Let's get it.

💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜

Oki. I first want to say that this I gonna be long lol. I did a meditation and gathered some little pieces of things y'all might need to hear and then I pulled cards for every month. The fountain tarot deck is the cards for us, the collective, and the rider-waite cards are for bts. It'll make more sense when I add picks and stuff. I did a little extra card pull for yoongi for the month of May too :) I'll make sure to type out all the cards in text so you know what they are (the pics are kinda wack.) I also used my pendulum to ask if there was a bts related event for every month and that's at the bottom. It's just to take in the possible energy for the month and something that could result from that energy!

LETTUCE BEGIN (hehe)

Starting with the section for the channeled messages. I want to reiterate that this was collective so if it doesn't resonate with you, the message might not be for you! Use your intuition.

(Enough talking. Damn)

So. As I said this was through meditation and connecting to the big column tree thing (I told my cousin about the tree/pillar and they were like,, "so basically a big energy dildo in the æther?" .... I CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT IT. h e l p m e) and asking if there was any messages or advice that needed to be delivered and it was... intresting?

Things came fragmented. So there was little messages like, "Its gonna be okay" and "things are changing for everyone" and "open your eyes if you want to see" (that's sassy.) There was one particular thing that was confusing me though. Straight up it was just "flower" on repeat and like a really bad picture of a flower? Like you could tell what it was but it was bad quality. Anyway, I was like "okay. Kindly shut the fuck up. Pls." And I wrote down flower, pink flower and rose. Sooo.... idk but there you go.

More messages were things like, "the block isn't in your head", "try calling forth that which you seek" and... February. Possibly there is specific (very very very loose) connection to the 10th-19th? I'm not to sure what or why but I'd say maybe look out for opportunities on these days and also maybe external events.

Continuing with dates. In the last this 21 and January 21 came up. It came up again but with 2 messages. So first, either 21st is a day where something is put into motion (possibly private or public) or announced and the second was "add them together dumbass" that's not very kind but 3. Again this has been discussed too but but but... maybe a signal of a third mixtape 👀 (not necessarily on the 21st per say but possibly in March? I'm really not sure).

Oki. I got side tracked like I always do and started thinking about tattoos and stuff and I really want koo to have a peony tattoo. I feel it in my BONES. It would suit him so well. and as I was thinking about tattoos I heard, "don't be surprised if yoongi gets/shows a tattoo this year" ??? What the fuck? I think maybe they messing with me but now I have hopes and I don't want them to be crushed and thrown to the wind :(

Back to normal stuff, "the theme is growth" I think that fits very well with the reading. "Blue might be a lucky color" self explanatory. It might be lucky. "Start practicing grounding and centering" this was LOUD. This will help you in how you react to events in the future. Really do practice this if you haven't.

This is where it gets a little weird. So, I got a message that said "start living as if you never existed." I am not a 100% sure what this means but I think I have a pretty good guess. I hate to make it sound weird like this but by sort of focusing on something that is so hard to comprehend (because our brains can't comprehend not existing very well) you kinda break the 4th wall? Like in Deadpool when he addresses the audience and is aware that he is a character played by Ryan Reynolds? anyway, focusing on something that seemingly impossible you kind of accidentally open up the floodgates for a lot of other things. I would say if you are not in the right headspace to do this don't do it but it can be a powerful way to break up the monotony of reality. The theory that everything happens simultaneously bc time isn't a linear progression events blah blah we are energy blah blah the multiverse blah blah.. Theres so so so so so so so so so much about this and how it applies to things that I could probably write you 10+ dictionaries worth of material but for the sake of simplicity and not wanting to write a novel right now, I will continue. The main lesson is to start challenging your perception of the world around you. Ask why and why and why and why. Essentially seeing cracks in the matrix. Pulling your head out of your cosmic ass, realizing that rose you're smelling is actually daffodil ect. It's not supposed to bring you fear but just kinda encouraging you to question all the things that you perceive as given truths.

I tried to make that sound cohesive but really it's such a big concept that I can't really wrap it up all nice and neat.

Oki. May and March are also important times.

Listen to your intuition and try not to take everything so seriously. I'm not saying to check out and go squat in the Himalayas but it's important to find joy in the now. Life is already tough enough so don't forget to watch a silly show that you like or change your hair to a style you've never tried, wear makeup in a very loud way. Just have fun and don't worry so much about things that you can't control. Listen to yourself and your intuition.

Well that was all over the place. Let's get on to the actual tarot part now.

For the record, the pictures are right to left.

January for the collective

We have the empress, the sun, 7 of swords and a fortune that says "act well your part; there the honor lies"

Hmm. Ngl I was a little confused to see the empress and the sun for January... I mean it hasn't been great. So I pulled clarity card 7 of swords. The 7 of swords is all about betrayal. It's about the deception and and actively getting away with things. This is people lying, cheating, sneaking and the works.

This makes much more sense!! The Sun card is usually about joy and success and happiness but in this case I see it as illuminating the betrayal. It's shining light on the deception and keeps the spotlight there. Its also an energetic card so I think that shows passion for uncovering the truth.

With the empress card too I think January is all about getting creative in all forms. Creative ways to protest, to mourn, to celebrate, to connect. Also taking in the abundance that we DO have. The beauty that surrounds us. I like to think of aphrodite energy for this. Its not just love and passion and creativity but is also asserting yourself and having strong passion for what you love and fighting for it. Did you know aphrodite was also called upon in ancient Greece in times of war? She was honored as a goddess of war but still a goddess of love, the sea, fertility ect. What I'm trying to say is that being a creative and "feminine" energy is in no way weak. Sometimes the most powerful things come from this energy. Love aggressively with good intentions. The point is that you should take whatever you're feeling and translate it into something creative or something you care about. The fact that covid is still a thing really sucks but take any rage, hurt, sadness, joy, love whatever and use that shit to make something amazing. Bake bread and punch the fuck out of it, paint your frustration, play hopscotch in higheels while you listen to heavy metal. You get the point.

Now January for BTS!!

We have the death card. (I only pulled one card bc I have things planned from this)

January has been... strange? To say the least.

This card can be a lot of things for them. I think this points to more maturity in their music? Like they've finally ditched the "shiny kpop boy band" label and are being taken seriously in the west. I also think that they're going through a musical/concept transformation~ I think it also signified the change in plans bc of the Grammys perhaps they had things planned an that fell through so they were forced to rapidly change plan/course.

For January: possible mixtape or announcement.

February for the collective

We have 8 of coins reverse and hanged man reverse.

The 8 of pentacles reverse talks a lot about self improvement. Doing that good good inner work and self care. Working on developing parts of you that you've maybe neglected. It's also learning how to work with how you are instead of wishing you weren't the way you are. If you have a therapist its a great time to maybe ask for any extra tips that you can practice daily to help you even more. Maybe exploring more into insecurities relating to finance or jobs or your passions. If you don't have a therapist but you have the means to get one I always highly recommend. You don't have to have "problems" to see a therapist. Everyone could use a non biased point of view that is literally trained to help you be you best self. If you can't get therapy, I get it. Shits tough rn but there's still things we can do to better ourselves like Journaling and reading therapy blogs or self help books (not the taky shit) or trying a hobby you fell out of touch with. There's also a lot of places where you can get therapy promise on the internet. Most importantly, better yourself in the way that you need. Take time in February to take notice of what you want to improve upon. The 8 of coins reversed does come with the warning not to get stuck in perfectionism. Go easy on yourself and if you find yourself getting frustrated when working on projects, try to take a step back and practice whatever it is in a fun way and then come back to it later

Hanged man reverse talks about knowing that you need to chill but you don't. You'll need too. Maybe you'll find yourself swept up in work and tasks and you're over whelmed and know you need to stop and catch your breath but you resist. Why? Well, perhaps you're trying to ignore reality by filling the empty spaces with things and stuff so you don't have to face what's bothering you. Not wise. Take time for yourself. There's also the flips side where people are just kinda stuck.. creative block. Maybe you want something to turn out one way and it just isn't, so your stuck and frustrated and can't move past it. Let go of your expectation of how it should be and let it be what it is. Go with the flow and maybe you'll see a new way to overcome your problem. You'll eventually get that break through that you need! The theme of February is about self improvement. Listen to yourself.

February for BTS

We have judgment.

Hehe yeah. This card is about rebirth and the inner calling. Letting go of the old to step into the new version of you. This is also a very spiritual card lol. This can talk about a new decision that you have to trust your gut on. This is a very significant card that screams comeback to me. It also can talk about sharing your struggles with a group of people and that to me sounds comeback ish. Maybe this will be an announcement in February, maybe they'll be working on it idk but this is ultimate comeback energy so I hope they utilize this for a big group project!!

February: possible BTS comeback (even my pendulum knows)

March for the collective

The chariot and justice

This plays directly off of February! With the chariot you're taking the self improvement that you've done and putting it to action! Now is the time to act on the dreams and passions that you have don't wait and hope for the best. March is about action and standing in your power.

Justice card is cause and effect and truth. What you do will have consequences good or bad. Not doing anything also has consequences. Cease the moment and make the best of it. You'll be taking responsibility for what you do. You start a business? Now you have the responsibility of running it and you get the credit. Stuff like that. Stand by your decisions with conviction and trust yourself.

There's also the side of justice that talks about bringing justice. If you've been wronged, you'll be brought justice if you stand up for yourself.

We also carry the continuous lesson of learning what we truly believe and challenge those beliefs!

March for BTS

Oki we have the hermit and the 6 of pentacles reverse.

Well... let's start with the 6 of pentacles reverse. This can really talk about being so generous and giving to everyone else that you forget about yourself. I think that maybe they might be over exerting themselves and giving so much that they're exhausted physically and emotionally as well. I think too, they take on so much of our pain like its their own? Idk but this would be a good time to do a large scale fan project to show them a little extra love!

With the hermit card it talks about a self introspection so they could be looking inward as a team and kinda evaluating their bond.

I also see this as maybe being alone as in they maybe can't physically go to the grammys? Or maybe they had been planning the rescheduled concerts and they had to be pushed back even further? Things like that. Regardless this signals re thinking/reevaluating the goals that they have and considering what direction to go in!

March: possible mixtape or solo project?

April for the collective

We have 6 of coins and 3 of cups reverse.

Let's start with the 6 of coins. It's about sharing. It can be about charity so sharing money via donation but also giving time, effort, energy to people as well. Giving knowledge is good too! It's an all round exchange. Maybe someone lends you money or you lend money to someone. It's give and take. It's a two way street. It's also a card of balanced finance. So money stuff should be looking promising around this time (for you U.S people this could point to more stimulus help as well)

And for the 3 of cups reversed... I see this as reopening of places and people struggling to find the balance. So think people who've been in lockdown celebrating by throwing a big party... yikes. This card reminds that we should be mindful of the long-term consequences that come with our actions.. maybe also people that are experiencing fear of being in public places now. This is only one facet though. Bc I think this also means in general, missing being with friends and having a renewed relationship because you've really realized how important it is to have these people that mean so much to you in your life. Don't forget that you have people that love you and want the best for you. Call them when you feel alone.

April for BTS

The heirophant

Mhmm. This one kinda gives me vibes that they'll be mentoring people? Idk but I see them more as the heirophant teaching what they've learned/ know to help guide others. HOWEVER this could also be them taking a new task under their belt. Learning something new. Since this is as a group reading I assume that this talks about the group as a whole. This card is also very tradition oriented so maybe they are taking lessons that are connected to traditional Korean culture? Maybe its for RUN or maybe its to incorporate into music and preformance. Think bts mma preformance but all of them learning together? Idk, it's just a thought (maybe wishful thinking). It also talks about seeking counseling so maybe they'll do yoongis idea from the most recent RUN.

This can also be them embracing this kind of leadership/ status.

April: I got nothing. It does feel like something though

May for the collective

Five of cups and queen of cups reversed

Five of cups is disappointment, regret and self pity. Now honestly this to me looks like possibly a tightening of restrictions yet again. Regardless of the situation that this is talking about, the best thing you can do is not wallow in the bullshit. You scrape yourself off the pavement and move foward. You'll need forgiveness of yourself and others and that if shit isn't going your way, you need to pull your head out of your ass and look around bc there's options out there. It's like drowning in a kiddie pool. Just stand up, dude. The water is like 5 inches.

Queen of cups reversed talks about self love and self care. It's more of that look inwards energy. Think about really taking care of yourself. May might be emotionally draining so you need to be ready to take care of you! Part of self care is making sure that your boundaries are well enforced.

Be on the look out for codependent behaviors. Check in with yourself.

The queen of cups is very intuitive and having it in reverse can talk about you not taking enough time to listen to it. Make an effort to meditate for like 5 minutes a day at least. Do something to let yourself connect to your intuition and higher self.

May for BTS

9 of pentacles

This about enjoying the fruits of your labor and absolute abundance and luxury. This could talk about them rolling in the dough after signing a new partnership or having a concert or something if the sort. This could also be a time where we see them buying new things like houses, cars and rings (lol) but also this could be them doing a very high production value project! Also namjoon and his bonsai army are thriving in this time!

May: possible concert or scheduled concert event. Activity of some kind.

Yoongi interlude

I asked for one card to give me an idea of what the mystical May 13th really is. I got: the star, 2 of cups, 4 of wands, the world and the sun.

Guys. I can't with this. 2 of cups is a card of union, romance, soulmate. 4 of wands is celebration, joy, homecoming, bliss. The world is completion and the sun is happiness, joy, marriage, enlightenment.

I've said it a billion times but that's some soulmate shit. So soft so cute and May will be eventful for his personal life.

June for the collective

Death and the heirophant reversed.

Wow wow wow death is transformation and a new chapter so a new way of life and something new/ different that changes how we see things. Again this could be relating to new covid things and new policies and stuff like that but also new as in new to all of us. Groundbreaking perhaps?

The heirophant reversed talks about teaching yourself. Being your own teacher and making your own path. This might be spiritual or otherwise. Challange what the world wants from you and instead listen to what you truly want bc you don't need anyone's approval. Continue to ask questions about why things are the way that they are.

June for BTS

Page of pentacles

Oki oki page of pentacles means a new creative venture and manifestation. Maybe something that they've been wanting for a while finally comes to fruition. This might be the start of a new project that they haven't done before or something cross genre? Idk but its a really good sign of being motivated for a new endeavor and manifesting any projects that they've ever wanted to do. Love this promising energy!!

June: idk

July for the collective

10 of swords and 9 of cups reversed.

10 of swords signals a painful ending. Also deceit. Its a necessary end to a long battle. The only thing you can do is control how you react in these situations. You just kinda gotta surrender into the pain and know that it's temporary. Take time to reflect on what happened and why and how it will help you grow.

The 9 of cups reversed talks about valuing stuff and material things over emotions and spiritual things. This can be talking about society in general, that we are becoming more aware to the fact that there is often more value placed on ephemeral items rather than humanity as a whole. This also can be talking about coming to the realization that we've been working so hard towards... something we don't really care about simply because we were told that it's what you do.

If you want something different to happen you have to put in effort. You can't be sitting in front of a water fountain being like, "damn. I'm thirsty. I really really want water so why isn't it in my mouth yet?" Like?? Hello? You have to take the first step, my dude.

Certainly don't try to do anything that would cost you finatial security or health.

You have the potential to find happiness within yourself. So try looking inside instead of looking outward.

July for BTS

4 of swords.

This is about rest and relaxation!

Taking time to meditate and take some time to look at what you've done objectively. Ots like the hermit in a way but much more focused on resting and relaxing so you can come back stronger and with better direction. Maybe they'll take a break for a couple days but I really see it as them reassessing options. Especially if July goes how I think it will. Maybe they'll film something like In The Soop again? Maybe we'll see bon voyage type thing? Idk. But it could be something kinda out of the spotlight? Maybe something more healing?

July: maybe something?? I'm not sure but it seems like something might be in store.

August for the collective

5 of coins and the wheel of fortune

Well let's see. 5 of pentacles talks about isolation and a negative mindset. This talks about falling on hard times but its a temporary set back. This energy can be talking about falling on hard times emotionally as well. In the card it shows a woman outside of a church shivering and cold but she's too busy thinking about all that she's lost that she doesn't notice the warm church that she could step into for shelter.

But then with he wheel of fortune that talks about fate/destiny, opportunity and luck so maybe this is a necessary loss so that a new door can open. This does kinda tie in with July as well. The end of something is painful but it's often a necessary thing. Might be a bit uncomfy but that's how things change. Again I see this maybe hinting more towards society but none the less it's definitely a theme for August to have doors closing and new ones opening so be on the lookout for that.

August for BTS

The devil.

Now don't fret. The devil talks a lot about choice. Most notably the choice between instant gratification and and something more substantial and the devil leans towards indulgence. It also has a lot to do with the shadow side. This could talk about ~scandal~ sure, but I think its more of a time where you become aware of negative patterns and you shine a light on that part you've ignored. On a much lighter note this card talks also about an incredible bond between people. It can be unhealthy if not given space or boundaries. Listen to pied piper and come back to me.

I also REALLY REALLY REALLY hope that this card points to this: sexuality. The boys have always been pretty pg when it comes to the topic of sex and embracing sexuality so I really do hope to see something more daring and grown up and exploring a tastefully sexy concept. On the same vain as sexuality this card also talks about kinks and stuff like that so don't be surprised if we get more outfits like fake love Era bondage harnesses.

August: ???

September for the collective

We have the world and 10 of wands reversed.

The 10 of wands reversed talks about carrying burden. Doing extra work and taking on more responsibility. Doing everything by yourself and carrying this heavy load alone will get you burnt out quicker than anything. You might be taking on too much and you'll need to prioritize what you really need to focus on. I also think there will just be a lot happening in September for a lot of people. It's a lot of working hard because you know it's good work or because it's what's right. This could be social responsibility that's placed on you or work responsibility. For whatever reason this burden isn't something you want to share with others because you think its yours alone to deal with. It's not though bc you'll figure out eventually that if it hurts so much you'll find a way to lessen the burden. 10 in tarot is all about the completion of a cycle and going through the wands cycle is hard work because for anything to be made of passion, you need to put the work behind it. The burden isn't forever, the heavy work load will lighten but this is you seeing things out. It's a good thing!

Especially considering this is paired with with world. The world is all about completion and that's what you're doing here is finding completion. You are seeing things out until the end but you just need to learn to give up some responsibility, lessen your burden.

This also talks about hard work being put into wider social spheres as well. Things like the vaccines becoming more widespread through the whole globe or at least better planing and infrastructures not related to covid. Things are looking up!

September for BTS

Knight of swords reverse

This bad boi is restless energy. It's being so pent up that you're ready to burst and you really want to take action but you can't because something is keeping you from taking that action. Again I do think this is kinda covid related in regards to touring bc if they do tour in 2021 its gonna look a lot different. This energy can be a bit impulsive and directionless so I think maybe they'll channel this into album material something? I'm not really sure tbh. I'm suprised this energy didn't show up earlier because it almost seems inevitable.

September: no clue

October for the collective

Ten of coins and the star reverse.

Welp let's start with the 10 of coins. Its about wealth, financial security, and long term success so this is a pretty prosperous time. This talks about the obvious monetary wealth and material wealth but also an abundance of opportunities. So this is definitely a good time to enjoy whatever consistency you have. This energy is really really abundant in the career space as well. So October could be very prosperous in the job field and you'll have likely found what it is you really want and could be successful at. This could be the actual act or just the idea. This is could also talk about investing in something for your future, this could be time or money.

With the star reversed it can talk about a loss of faith and a disconnection. This often points to feeling like you've just been forgotten or left out. Like the universe doesn't give a shit about you and left you out to die. Things might seem unfair but always try to look for the lesson that you can take from the experience. Seeing the 10 of coins and the star makes me think that a lot of people have kinda lost faith in their manifestations and also just in the concept of not living in a state of need. Especially if you see other people doing well and you've been trying so fucking hard but you haven't gotten a break. I know we hate to hear it but this can serve as a test of faith. Or rather an opportunity to get your shit in line and take a second to breath. Do something good for yourself and then continue on. This star in reverse serves to show you what no longer sparks joy and helps you find what does and what that initial spark was in the first place. Helps you get back to the original vision/ spark.

October for BTS

5 of pentacles reverse.

This signals the end of difficult times and getting that groove back. The last month was restless energy with no where to go but this month that energy is certainly put to good use. They might be figuring out what has been missing In their lives and starting to rectify that. They are definitely reminded that material wealth doesn't bring spiritual or emotional wealth. Might be also feeling a bit alienated too.

October: something is likely but idk

November for collective

Six of swords reversed and the moon.

Transition and change is prevalent. The 6 of swords is about leaving behind the familiar. Maune this is leaving a job, a new change in the status quo, leaving a relationship ect. The thing you have to keep in mind is just how amazing this is in terms of what it will do. It will alow growth!! And bring clarity!! Thos can also be societal as well, something being left behind in favor of something new. It's letting go and reflecting so that you can move foward.

This is strengthened by the moon card. The moon card is the subconscious and all the things that come with it. The anxiety, the illusion, the uncertainty. You'll want to deal with whatever emotions come up. The moon can signify a confusing time where things aren't what they seem to be. That's the illusions so you'll have rely more on intuition at a time like this. Your dreams might hold significance in this time as well. Listen to your guides and your own guidance because it will help you understand more than you did before this journey began. Using moon cycles to your advantage in November might really help you!!

November for BTS

7 of wands

Challenge and competition. People are envious of bts. We know this. But people will be challenging them for what they've gained: music industry domination. This might co.e in the way that people will spread vicious rumors in attempt to disenfanchise or possibly it will be a fair fight. It could also be a challenge/ battle for some other aspect that involves legal matters.

My best guess though is good old competition. Bts has proven again and again that they will continue to do what they do how they do but they will not be trampled over. In the best way this could renew some of that spirit in friendly competition. They will tear eachothers throats out for a pack of ramen so maybe a bit of competition will be good for them. It keeps life intresting.

November: nothin

December for the collective

Two of cups and the emperor!

Let's start off with the emperor card talks about stability and order. It can also signify being the "breadwinner" so its a good sign that you'll kinda be on top of your shit. The emperor is also an amazing leader so you might find yourself taking on a leadership role too! This is very organized energy that works very smoothly!

two of cups is such a lovely way to end out the year! It's love and partnership and attraction so if you aren't in a relationship by this time you might meet someone who strikes your fancy!! On a none romantic relationship note though, this card is also great for business partnership bc it signifies that you're on the same page and have the same goals in mind!

It's harmonious relationships and trust between them!! Love love love this energy so much! Cups are the suit of emotions and this card is so promising.

If you are in a relationship, this can talk about "falling in love all over again" like you're just reminded of how good they are.

December for BTS

Queen of cups

Intuition, creativity and emotional stability. They're using intuition to guide their moves foward with emotional maturity. They are in a place of knowing what they want and why. This would be a good time to work on an album or a book or to release them. The queen of cups is like the friend that you can tell absolutely anything and somehow they have a helpful answer. This card is really calm and it can also talk about subconscious thoughts.

I think that bts is maybe making more of a conscious effort to make sure that what they do is just as emotionally fulfilling for them as it is for us! They might be kinda pondering the future at this time and considering if this is what fills their emotional cup!

December: possibly a thing?

Now these cards are the vibe of the year and some advice.

For the collective (on the left)

Three of swords and judgment reverse.

The fortune says "accept the challenges, so that you may feel the exhilaration of victory"

The 3 of swords is about disappointment and hurt and heartbreak. It's about the emotional release that we all need when shit gets tough. Don't pretend to be strong. If you need to cry, fucking cry. This year is about letting go of expectations and do what you have to do to release so you can move foward and not have these things pile up.

You have to make an effort to not let yourself take on what other people think of you. You aren't defined by what some asshole says. You define yourself.

Judgment reverse is about self doubt and ignoring your path. It's being stagnant and being harsh on yourself. This year has a focus on building yourself up and noticing when you are not. Bring light to the things that are holding you back without harsh judgment for yourself. You can't beat yourself up. If you make a bad decision you know not to make it again. Take accountability and move on.

The oracle card is inner temple.

Seriously all the focus of this year is in self improvement and dear god, please take time to work on yourself spiritually!!! Everything you want to know is there if you take the time to listen. This should be a place where you feel safe and welcome. It definitely should not feel like something you HAVE to do.

For BTS

10 of swords and page of swords

The fortune says "you create your own stage. The audience is waiting" (how tje fuck?? This is the perfect fortune)

The 10 of swords is a painful but necessary end. This is accepting the current situation. They maintain focus for 2021 for them is adapting and keeping their spirits up.

With the page of swords it talks about new ideas and that kind of creativity. It's also a lot about communication so I really think that they'll be figuring out new ways to connect and new projects that will be prosperous.

The oracle card is Pleiades

This is what we talk about all the time. Bts has helped so many people want to be better and do better. They are uplifting humanity and giving people a sense if belonging. Bts finds you when you need them most 💜💜💜

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Wow I had to write this up over 2 days bc this was so fucking long. I need a nap. Idk if I'll proof read this before I post it so don't hate me for the mistakes (honestly, there's like 10,000 spelling and grammar mistakes in my other posts too 🙃)

I hope you guys enjoyed it and maybe this will be helpful to to have a forecast of some possible energy for you to look out for!!

Also bts bc I love them. I have another bts 2021 reading I'll do soon too!

Hope you guys are happy and well 💜

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thebadchoicemachine · 3 years

Text

Despair Suits Ultimate Run-Through

Okay this has been sitting in my drafts for months I’m just posting it because all my drafts are stressing me out.

Wilbur - Ultimate “Guitarist” / Ultimate Distortion (despair)

- He’s the least true despair oriented out of the family. He loves messing with other people but doesn’t enjoy despair himself, something nobody including himself really realizes until Tommy is dead and he’s pissed because it’s not fun when HE’s the one mourning.

- He works with twisting perceptions and rules against people, there is no true good and all that. You do something nice? Well actually you see it’s cause so much more despair here etc etc..

Tommy - Ultimate “Playmate” / Ultimate Pawn (despair)

- Really just a brainwashed kid hyped up on death and despair because it’s what his family is built off of. He holds it to a religious degree and takes it very seriously.

- He’s the most like Junko out of the despair family, the rules of the game are sacred to him otherwise it’s no fun. He really does his own thing so long as it’s within the goals others have set for him to accomplish. His role is mostly fulfilling other’s plans. He simultaneously has the most and least freedom out of the despair grip, being able to function however pleases so long as he fulfills his task but he is completely obligated to fulfill all and any such tasks.

Tubbo - Ultimate Hazard / Ultimate Hope

- Much like Tommy he’s really just a brain washed kid who is drunk on despair because it’s what his friends do and it’s all he’s ever known.

- Helps him realize the reaason he stuck it out so long was becuase he already had jope, belief and drive that things would be better

Ranboo - Ultimate Journalist (main character)

- He is a journalist. He tries bis very hardest to be objective while still remaining compassionate and driven.Honestlyy he never intended to become a journalist. He started keeping notes to help himself and ended up submitting one for a school project he procrastinated on. Turns out he’s an excellent story teller as well as truthful, it won a contest and was featured in a paper and before he knew it he was writing for big news full time.

- He doesn’t even accept a lot of pay. His main and constant condition is, so long as everything is factual, his words not he twisted.

Niki - Ultimate “Baker” / Ultimate Agent

- She was already in the habit of not being upfront with her ultimite so as to be able to just get to know people first. She can work much easier when people don’t think they’re being worked at, if they knew they were going against an ultimate they become eager to prove it wrong so she went by “Ultimate Baker” for most of her life.

- As the Ultimate Agent she is extremely good at conflict resolution and always able to get some kind of goodness through her advocating. Ever since she was a child she found herself to be the only one who stood up for victims. She is very multi-talanted as it takes different things to get different people to listen. The skills she’s built up include a BS detector that’s off the charts, being genuinely one of the friendliest people you’ll ever meet, and being able to kick your ass seven ways to sunday.

Puffy - Ultimate Pirate

Schlatt - Ultimate Tycoon

- Tubbo convinces Puffy Schlatt is going to kill him. Schlatt has actually been very kind and mentor-y to Tubbo. He’s a good fit because his gruff additude isn’t too jarring for despair-washed child to dismiss but he is genuinely helpful at heart. He wants everyone to be safe.

- Tubbo is unerved by this shift in views happening to him and half-truthfully vents his feelings of unsafeness to Puffy, who posiosn him.

Hannah - Ultimate Florist

- Famous for growing the best flower garden in the whole country alll by herself, she has a strict rule about anyone else interfering with her plants. Also, generally a plant expert. Knows a lot more than just flowers. She’s strong as hell (maintaining one of the most revered gardens in the whole world by yourself involves a lot of running and lifting) and can also find the perfect blend of colors, smells, and meanings

Jackstanifold - Ultimate Determination

- I love the idea of more abstract talents! Like, “Ultimate Moral Compass” sounds really unique but he was actually more like “Ultimate Hall Monitor.”

- He got picked on by adults and other kids alike for not having an “applicable” talent. Determination isn’t like being a Ultimate Baseball Star or Ultimate

Fundy - Ultimate Game Designer

- Has several popular games under his belt.

Sam - Ultimate Guard

- Actually, he hates his ultimate. He’s strong and scary and can keep people in check sure but he’s also hella fucking smart as well kind and just wants people to be safe and happy. He wished people didn’t focus so much on his enforcement and more on his protecting.

Purpled - Ultimate Astronomer

- Actually spends most of his time playing sports, he’s very athletic and wanted to play something professionally but his knack for the stars kind of dragged him away. He doesn’t mind too much though, he really does love space!

Quackity- Ultimate Rogue

- It’s like he’s trying to be a Troublemaker™ (like Celest) but ends up more a Fuyuhiko. Albeit without the depressing jumpstart to his turn into genuinely wanting to help. It’s more of a slow burn.

Charlie - Ultimate Forensic Chemist

- Acts as their detective/doctor character

- He’s in like an uncanny valley of a mad scientist and just some friendly dude. Sure, he experiments plenty (to the point it’s questioned why he’s forensic specifically or chemist specifically) but his speciality as an actual successful sciencest is in forensics chemist.

Karl - Ultimate Astrologer

- Sort of works like Angie but less... awful. He’s more genuine and happy and understands other’s opinions and skepticism.

- Honestly he more psychoanalyzes people and sort of personalizes some therapy then he does fret about their starsigns.

Sapnap - Ultimate Arsonist

- He is very proud of his flame abilities. He holds a “No one gets hurt unless I want them too.” Attitude about his fires. He knows just how to make a flame worse or better and was consulted in several forms be it weapons, demolition, or prevention. Basically, dude knows everything about fire.

George - Ultimate Model

- Not necessarily a model for his looks, rather his appeal. He just has a face people apparently love. Companies would play vast sums of money for him to pose with their product as it seems whatever he was attached to would sell like hot cakes. Even when he was a child his school made him sit alone in front of their stand as a mascot instead of working with everyone else.

Eret - Ultimate Aspirant

- Kind of the other side to Jack’s coin. He earned his ultimate title because no matter what he was put in he worked his hardest in and improves tremendously, not always beyond others of course but he himself gets better than he was. He as a mind and a drive for success.

Dream - Ultimate Prey

- Ultimate prey. Governments from all over the world would drag him into their battlefields to test their powers. He’d been shot several times actually but no one ever managed to catch him.

#despair in suits ♣ ♠ ♦ ♥#dsmp AU #dream smp #dsmp #dsmp danganronpa

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sweetestlamb · 3 years

Text

Keep Bugging Me

Summary: Dosan and Dalmi try to get over each other and fail miserably. A story about cockroaches in love.

Author’s Note: I find it really cute that Dosan is willing to run to help Dalmi at the drop of a hat despite the current state of their relationship and his misconception that she is now with Jipyeong but I get real tired when the efforts are one-sided for too long and the way things ended I definitely think that Dalmi should be the one to reach out to him, so that’s what this is. My imaginings of how things should go after today’s episode. ( I am basically ignoring the preview where it looks like Dosan runs away, nope we not running.) There was a lot more I wanted to incorporate but this took me a few hours today and that’s all I can spare so I hope you enjoy it, happy reading!

With a long winded sigh that depletes her diaphragm she musters up the strength to catapult herself from her chair, sweeping her disheveled hair behind her ears once more before giving up and letting the strands do as they will. The sense of powerlessness lingers as she recalls her frantic phone calls and pleads for assistance, her heart had lodged itself deep in her throat each time she was turned down, although sympathetic no one was willing to drop what they were doing to help her.

It hardly came as a surprise especially for someone like her who learned early that the world would knock you down and there were very few people who would offer you a hand when you were down. She chose to get up on her own and fight against the current of life but today’s fiasco only served to remind her that in the blink of an eye everything she carefully planned and created could come crashing down like an avalanche.

Hearing his voice again had been just as overwhelming, the deep timbre just as soothing has it had been three years ago. Hearing it in that video did nothing to prepare her for the real thing, she tried to put up a strong front but she knew that she needed him and his brilliant mind; those capable hands. She didn’t deserve his help she knew that, her vicious words replaying in her mind all those years ago on what should have been a joyous day. Yet, just like all those years ago when he had no obligation to help her and it would not benefit him in any way he still showed up. Looking every bit as devastating as she’d seen him at the networking event. No, even more because this was the real Dosan showing up. Slipping in her computer chair easily as he threw out orders to the other members of his team, in all the important ways he seemed like the same Dosan but the air that surrounded him was no longer wavering, it was certain. He’d found his voice.

She sighs rubbing her hand across her face again, hesitating before deciding. She picks up the forgotten jacket, the crisp scent of his cologne wafting up her nose and temporarily immobilizing her.

Shaking herself free from her mental prison she grabs her purse and rushes to the door, phone already in her hand as she presses his name in her contacts. She doesn’t know where any of this is going but she has a reason to see him, she won’t let this opportunity go to waste.

Closing the door behind her, she props the phone against her ear using her shoulder before she hears the tell-tale sound of a phone ringing echoing down the hallway. With a gasps she sprints down the narrow hall before turning a corner and seeing him, his back is turned to her and his shoulders are slumped she watches with bated breath as he pulls his phone from the crevice of his pocket. He stares at it and after a moment’s pause he silences it and walks away.

He straightens to his full height before shoving the phone into his pocket, swiftly exiting the building.

“Dosan-ah.” She whispers to this retreating back but he moves further and further away until he reaches the door and she loses sight of him completely. More than anything she wishes she could apologize to him for those callous words she said all those years ago, if he’d felt a fraction of what she’s feeling right now she regrets her decision that day. She’s never regretted anything more.

“Oh, Ms. Seo I didn’t know you were still here. You must have worked late. Please let me drive you home.”

Sniffling and willing her tears not to fall she turns around, plastic smile spread across her lips as she greets Mr. Han. His dimpled grin does nothing to soothe the aching in her chest, but she pushes that aside and gently nods at his offer.

On autopilot she walks to his car and opens her door before sliding into his car briefly she considers that her own car is parked in the garage close by but she’s too exhausted to drive right now. Her heart and her head equally throbbing.

The ride home is relatively silent, Mr. Han attempts to engage her in conversation but her head is too filled with Dosan to offer anything more than one word answers and eventually he stops, turning up the radio instead.

She misses his longing stares across the console, his own eyes wavering as she stares longingly at her phone for a call that won’t come.

*******************************************************************************************

Maybe I should go back to San Francisco.

The thought plagues him as he lays restless in his old bed, he’d entertained the idea of staying in a hotel until his mother had knocked him upside the head and dragged his suitcase inside the house before he’d even recovered from the blow. His smile had been blinding as she struggled up the stairs before he rushed to help her, easily lifting the luggage and wrapping his empty arm around her shoulder. He’d missed her like crazy, San Francisco had some much to offer but some things were irreplaceable.

Now he’s having second guesses once more, he’d thought he was ready to be back in Korea, ready to see her again but he was wrong. There was something about his place that shook his confidence, made him the same bumbling idiot that he’d thought he left behind when he took off on that plane. It feels like he’s been wearing new shoes and now he’s back in the old ones, he hates it. He truly did not plan on seeing her again, she had made herself very clear all those years ago, he was not the Dosan from the letter and he would never be.

He wasn’t smooth or thoughtful, he was just Dosan and though he wished that was enough it wasn’t. He thought he had accepted that, in San Francisco he did everything to forgot her. He never spoke about her or sent her the paragraphs he would write, he threw himself into coding with a painstaking fervor and he worked until he was successful and waited for happiness to find him.

But happiness didn’t appear after he was named the most valuable developer of the year.

It made no appearance when he bought a new car that he would have only dreamed about driving before.

Still remained missing when he was offered another contract from one of the top companies in the world.

But then he got that call and despite everything he said to his mother, trying to convince himself as much as her, his decision was simple. He had the ability to help her, so he did.

The adrenaline made time slow down and simultaneously speed up, it wasn’t lost on him that every member of Samsan Tech was in the room all to help Dalmi, despite everything they’d been through she was still one of them. The strangest part had been the addition of Injae honestly, she’d spent so much time as Dalmi’s antagonist it was hard to reconcile that they were working together, that for once she would not be rooting against Dalmi.

Everything had been going better than he ever imagined, she was as pretty as ever, gorgeous even while panicking and almost fainting it was a feat only possible by Seo Dalmi. But he had pushed that thought to the back of his mind, the black box cauterizing any hope he had of rekindling their romance.

Their moment had passed. He wasn’t the one she wanted. What did he expect when the person who had actually written the letter was right there?

It shouldn’t hurt this much but it did, It ached like a reopened wound.

He’d only wanted to get his jacket back, the added bonus was seeing Dalmi but he wasn’t delusional enough to think that she had be waiting for him while he was gone.

His blood still boils both from the phantom hand on his chest and the words that cut him like a knife.

Stop showing up. You’re making us both uncomfortable.

There had been more but those words stuck with him.

Us.

They were an “us”, close enough for jewelry that came in black boxes. It was time for him to stop fooling himself.

The three years without Dalmi had been torture for him but evidently that was not the case for Dalmi.

He was going to accept that.

*******************************************************************************************

It takes him days to finally reply to her message and she tries her best to stay calm but her heart has missed the memo and instead triples its beats and almost pounds out her chest when his name flashes on her phone.

Inhaling deep gulps of oxygen, she opens his message after ignoring for as long as she can- a measly ten seconds. Her pride has flown out the window it seems and she’s not particularly fond of relocating it.

Don't’ worry about it. I have any jackets like that now. You can throw it out.

She gapes at the words on the screen, not at all the response she expected and she clutches the discarded jacket tightly in her hands as if to promise the object that she will do no such thing. Scooping her hair into a ponytail she responds.

No. It’s a nice jacket you should get it back. Where are you? I can bring it to you.

She stares at the message long and hard, scrutinizing each word painstakingly. It might appear overzealous, too eager and the image of him ignoring her call still plays on repeat in her mind. Maybe he simply doesn’t want to see her, that is his right after the way she ended things. But logic alone is not enough to stop her fingers from pressing send, she doesn’t want to have anymore regrets.

Minutes tick by with no response and she worries her bottom lip between her teeth as she glares at the phone willing Dosan to answer.

Please. Please. Please. Please.

Despite her silent prayers, her phone is still and she contemplates sending another message although she has nothing else to say, terrified that this will be the end of their conversation.

Then a message vibrates her phone, two messages actually. Mr. Han’s name also flashes on her phone but her fingers instantly open Dosan’s instead and a tentative smile makes its way across her face as she reads the message.

I’ll be near Sandbox tomorrow. I will pick it up.

Unable to control her emotions anymore, she squeals as she falls backwards on her bed, legs happily kicking as she hugs the phone close to her chest rolling side to side before she loses her balance and crashes to the ground. Her pained shout fills her room and her grandmother's voice rings out, “Dalmi, what was that? Are you okay?”

Embarrassed but bursting with energy she shouts back, “Yes! I’m okay. I fell off the bed.”

There is no response and she giggles as she imagines the exasperated look that will run across her grandmother’s face. She may have lost her sight but her attitude and snark are still very much there.

She knows that this changes nothing and she shouldn’t get her hopes up but still her feet drag her to her closet to find the perfect outfit for tomorrow, she will make sure to knock him off his feet this time.

*******************************************************************************************

Dosan knows that he should have been more adamant about not needing the jacket, if only to avoid seeing her again. But he was weak and one rejection was all he could muster, he glances at his watch she should be arriving in a few minutes.

Being back in the coffee shop they would often to go together is tugging on his heart strings but he fortifies himself, that was years ago. There is no use clinging to the past now, especially when he’s the only one doing so. He takes a hearty gulp of his iced Americano, desperately needing a distraction from his thoughts. When suddenly someone sits in the empty chair in front of him. Blinking he looks up and meets a face that does not belong to Dalmi. The woman now occupying the seat is pretty for all intensive purposes of the word with rosy red lips and long dark lashes.

But he feels nothing but confusion by her sudden appearance and he voices that after his shock wears off, “I’m sorry that seat is reserved. I’m waiting for someone.”

Lifting a thin curved brow, the woman seems amused and no closer to leaving, “Oh? Is this person a girlfriend?”

Dosan feels his cheeks burn at the blatant flirtations, over the years his ability to understand women has marginally improved with a success rate of 53% instead of the 12% before he left Korea. He has had many offers to date, none of which he has accepted. There was someone that hadn’t left his heart yet and it was impossible to make space for another with her so deeply wedged in there.

At his silence she smirks now, “I’ll take that as a no. I’m not usually this forthright but you are probably the cutest guy I’ve ever seen.”

He made the mistake of sipping right at the moment and he chokes on the liquid as it lamely spills out of his mouth.

Her giggles are light and melodic as she eyes him, “See? I even found that cute. What’s your name?”

He’s at a lost for words and that’s when the door chimes, and when he looks up he locks eyes with Dalmi.

She is a vision in a plum colored business suit and her hair cascading over one shoulder. He almost forgets to breath.

She walks to him immediately, his jacket folded over her arm.

As she comes closer her eyes finally lock on the person occupying her seat, he watches them widen before narrowing into two thin lines. Then like a switch she stands taller and smiles facing him, “Dosan-ah, I didn’t know you were expecting company.”

His eyes dart back to the mysterious woman who is smiling but for some reason he remembers an episode of Animal Planet he watched while in the U.S about snakes that lulled you into a sense of comfort before striking.

He begins to speak but his comment is interrupted, “I was just leaving. It was a pleasure meeting you Dosan-ah. Don’t be a stranger huh?” And true to her word she collects her belongings before opening a tiny emerald purse and extracting something thin.

A business card.

it is slick and modern with gold lines and her name printed in bold letter, Han Ji Yoon.

Reaching across the table she deposits the card into his slack hand, her fingers lingering minutely before she draws away with one final dazzling smile she is gone, as suddenly as she arrived.

The silence is deafening in her departure before Dosan hears the scratch of metal on wood as Dalmi reclaims her stolen seat. When he peers up from the business card he meets her smiling face, her eyes however are dull lacking the joy that her face is presenting. He wonders vaguely if something happens.

“Who was that?” He shifts in his seat, shame curling in his belly before he realizes that he has no reason to feel shame. Dalmi does not care if other women are interested in him, it probably made her elated to see him with someone else. Proof that he was moving on and he would not be intruding on her life and her relationship. He would no longer be an inconvenience in her otherwise ideal life.

So he answers honestly, “Just someone I met. She seemed interested in me and came over to talk.”

Dalmi turns to look out the window as he sips on his Americano before he can offer to get her one she is speaking again, her lips barely open but the words are clear nonetheless.

“How about you?”

He tilts his head, not quite following along with the direction of this conversation. He was unaware that they were on a level where they could discuss his potential relationships. More evidence that she is completely over him, the mere thought of her with Mr. Han is enough to sour his day but she is comfortable asking him about other women.

“Well I am.....-”

He never gets to finish his sentence because suddenly Dalmi’s phone vibrates, buzzing on the table and instinctively he glances down at it and feels his heart pang.

Han Jipyeong.

She makes no move to answer it and he feels nauseous, she must know about his feelings and this is an attempt to spare him.

He makes things easier for her standing up and nodding to her phone, “You should get that. I have to be somewhere soon. Thank you for bringing this.” With a slight bow he takes his jacket from its spot over the back of her chair and takes one step away.

Her hand shoots out and captures his wrist and it feels like she thrust into his chest and squeezed his heart.

“Dosan-ah you don’t have to go. I can call him back later.”

He shakes his head, “No. Take it.” And with that he picks up his coat and with a moment’s hesitation he also picks up the business card.

He misses Dalmi’s jaw clenching as she watches him walk away, again. The vibrations of her phone falling on deaf ears.

*******************************************************************************************

“Hello?” She blinks away tears and she tries her best not to sound like she is on the verge of falling apart.

“Oh, Ms. Seo it’s me. I wanted to know if you wanted to get lunch together.” Mr. Han’s voice rattles through her speaker as she watches Dosan through the window.

She spent all morning finding the right outfit and then perfecting her no make up makeup look, eager to see him despite her head reminding her that this wasn’t a date she was simply meeting him to return his jacket. Nothing more and nothing less.

Then she’d seen him with someone else. A pretty woman, looking at him like he was an item on the menu and she was very thirsty. And the rush of jealous and irrational anger that consumed her made it clear that it was not possible to just be friends with Dosan. She couldn’t paint on a happy smile if he decided to date someone else, she wanted to be that someone. She wanted to hold on to those huge hands and never let go.

“Ms. Seo?”

She shakes herself from the memory, hurt still bubbling under the surface. She hadn’t gotten a chance to hear Dosan’s answer to her frankly invasive question but his actions were loud enough. She wanted to rip that card into pieces and stomp on the papery bodies.

“Sorry, I was distracted. I can’t do lunch today. I have a lot of work to catch up on. Are you still coming over for dinner on Friday? Grandmother wants to know, you know she always makes your favorites.”

At his agreement, she stands up and leaves. Maybe it’s time to move on, Dosan clearly has already. Once again leaving her in the dust.

*******************************************************************************************

He goes on a few dates with Ji Yoon, and they have a good enough time together. She laughs at his jokes even though there are times her laughter is delayed and he wonders how genuine it is. She’s impressed by his car and the restaurant that Chul-san recommended, hmming at the perfect medium rare steak on her plate.

But he feels nothing, no fireworks not even a spark but his friends convince him that it will come. These things take time, so he can’t just give up after a few dates. He pointedly ignores the voice in his head that states that his feelings didn’t need time to grow for a certain someone, they had hit him like a freight train and he just hung on for the ride. He doesn’t voice that out loud because that would be counterproductive in his journey to eradicate his feelings for her.

So he goes through the motions and comes home each night with a sour taste on his tongue and a different face in his dreams.

Then Friday arrives and he decides to stop wallowing in his own self-pity, ignoring his mother’s insistent statement that “he should just call her”, that is the absolute last thing he should do. He doesn’t want to be the person who stops her happiness, not again.

But there is something he has to do and he needs to take a risk to do it.

He called Saha earlier in the morning, pretending not to hear Chul-san’s voice in the background despite the fact that it was 7:00am in the morning and they had no reason to be together, now was not the time for teasing.

He would make time later.

She’d seemed suspicious when he asked about Dalmi’s schedule but ultimately told him the information he needed to know so with a heavy heart he rolled out of bed and hopped into the shower, he needed to see someone very special.

Picking up the scarf and table mats he had knitted the night before he runs down the stairs, squeezing his mother in a one shouldered hug before bolting out the door.

A woman he doesn’t know answers the door and he stands nervously, wringing his hands his head tilted toward the ground.

“Yes? Are you here to see Dalmi? She is at work right now.” She apologizes and something about her feels familiar and he looks up and her eyes immediately inform him of who he is speaking to.

Stuttering he stumbles over his words before finally getting out, “No. I am here to see...”

But a new voice joins them and instantly tears pool in his eyes when Dalmi’s grandmother comes into view, she stares straight ahead but there is no reaction to his presence. She can’t see him. Her world is shrouded in darkness.

He gazes at her and wonders why these things only seem to happen to good people? Where is the justice in the world?

“Hi, I don’t know if you remember me but-”

“Nam Dosan!” She shouts his name and his heart swells from her obvious glee, she steps forward and makes grasping hands in the direction of his voice and without pause he steps into her hold, allowing her to surround him in a warm embrace.

“How could I forget you?” She squeezes him tighter and he doesn’t fight her hold. He’s been cracking apart at the seams her hold is putting him back together.

*******************************************************************************************

Dalmi turns off her computer, stretching her arms high above her head. Her sister is still on her computer clicking away but she can’t stay another minute her brain has turned to mush.

Another message from Saha flashes on her phone, once again asking her if she’s left for the day yet and telling her not to work overtime.

Go home quickly. They don’t pay you enough for this.

Their relationship has blossomed from where it started with Dalmi on her knees begging the designer to work with her. Their friendship had amounted in a fairly similar fashion, Dalmi bulldozed her way into the girl’s life after the boys left and after a new coffee dates they were inseparable. The sassy designer the only one who knew about Dalmi’s true feelings and how she had pushed Dosan away for his own good.

“You did the right thing. But you’re an idiot. Why break up with him if it was going to hurt you so much?”

That specific piece of wisdom had been regaled when Dalmi showed up drunk at the other girl’s house, banging on the door and crying until she was granted entrance. If looks could kill Dalmi would have been buried six foot under instantly but alas mental homicide was impossible so she lived to see another day. Their bond had been cemented in that moment, she woke up the next day with mascara lines on her face and a thick blanket thrown across her on the couch.

“Here have some coffee and then get out of my house. “

Dalmi took the coffee but she didn’t get out, they spent the day together talking about boys and heartbreak and she pretended not to know who Saha was talking about when she mentioned missing someone, “a little bit, really just a smidge.”

So she listens to her friend, probably her best friend not that she’ll share that moniker with the girl, she would like to keep some of her pride thank you very much.

“I’m heading home. Today is family dinner, do you want to come over?” She inquires already knowing the answer based on her previous attempts but she is nothing if not resilient.

Injae doesn’t even look away from her computer before answering, “No. I have a lot to do here. You go ahead.”

With a shrug she nods, collecting her belongings before walking out the door.

When she pulls up to her house, she sees an unknown car and she wonders if someone came to visit her mother. Then bright lights fill her side mirrors and she sees the familiar sight of Mr. Han’s car pulling up behind her.

Hopping out her car, she waves at him. Eying the bag in his hand, he always brings something despite protests from her and her grandmother.

Before she can properly greet him, he asks “Whose car is that?”

She looks at the car again but nothing comes to mind, “I don’t know I was wondering the same thing. Let’s go inside and find out.”

And so, they both walk to the door, Dalmi taking out her keys and prying open the door. She is greeted by boisterous laughter and slipping off her heels she enters her home, unprepared for the beautiful scene that welcomes her.

Dosan is sandwiched between her mother and her grandmother, the latter holding his hand as he hangs on her every word.

“Dosan-ah”

“What are you doing here?”

She twists caught off guard by the vicious tone of Mr. Han’s voice, his eyes are glossy and hard as he watches the same scene.

instantly Dosan gently pulls his hand out her grandmother’s hand and she greets them as well, “Oh Dalmi, Good Boy you’re both home. Dosan stopped by, why don’t we all have a meal together?”

The tension in the room is thick and Dalmi is lost as she watches Mr. Han glare at Dosan as if he has committed the greatest crime.

With a voice barely above a whisper Dosan speaks, “No that isn’t necessary. I don’t want to intrude. Thank you for talking to me. I’ll fix all the bugs you mentioned.”

Dosan simply stares at her grandmother for a pregnant moment before he makes his decision and he wraps her in his strong arms. Her grandmother immediately responds, hugging him back and whispering something only he can hear.

Bowing to them all Dosan walks past her, never meeting her eyes regardless of her hard stare penetrating through his face.

Before she can bolster up the courage he is already walking out the door.

“I’ll see him out.” Mr. Han offers, following Dosan out the door and she watches breathless.

*******************************************************************************************

“What were you thinking coming here?” He shouts at the developer’s retreating back, anger simmering in his blood. He had a family now and he wasn’t going to let anyone take that away from him. Dosan could have anyone in the world, why did he have to come back and ruin everything he had been building?

He was finally to ready to tell Dalmi how he felt, no more cryptic messages and codes that needed deciphering, he was going to lay his heart on the table. Show her that he could be the Dosan from the letters, he could be her safe haven.

“I just wanted to see her grandmother, I didn’t meant to run into her. I asked Saha she told me that--”

But he’s too angry to listen to reason, he just wants Dosan to go away, for good.

“I thought I made myself clear in the elevator. You need to move on. I am the one she calls now when she’s in trouble. I am the one who comes to dinner with her family, that person is me. You are just a piece of her past. A past she has forgotten, stop coming around and making us uncomfortable. Don’t come here again.”

He realizes a second too late that Dosan eyes are shifted over his shoulder and when he turns around Dalmi’s angry tear streaked face fills his vision.

“What are you saying Mr. Han? What is happening?” Her voice quivers, breaking on the last words and guilt rises as he looks at the clear betrayal on her face.

“I’m leaving. I won’t come here again. You made yourself very clear.” Dalmi makes to follow Dosan but he steps into her path, needing to explain himself. He just needed a chance to bat.

“Let him go.” He pleads with her but she snatches her hand out of her reach and stares at him with wet eyes.

“Why would you say those things to him? What did you say to him in the elevator, are you the reason he’s avoiding me?!” He has never heard Dalmi raise her voice before, even when he was giving her harsh but honest feedback she was calm and accepting of his feedback. The woman before him is someone new, someone he’s never witnessed before.

“Answer me!” He’s reminded of her screaming those same words at Dosan.

Swallowing he finally answers her, “I like you. I like you so much it aches Dalmi, I was watching for three years. I thought you would start to notice me but... I don’t understand. Why can’t it be me? Why does it have to be him? I’m the one who wrote the letters, I was the one who comforted you.”

“You lied to me! You and my grandmother. You both lied to me and you created someone who doesn’t exist. You only wrote to me because you owed her a favor, it wasn’t real.”

“That’s not true. Maybe at first, but I grew to enjoy writing them. You comforted me too. I can be the person that you want, just give me a chance. I want to be with you.”

Then impulsively he pulls the ring box from his pocket, flipping it open and thrusting the box at her. It shines brilliantly from its satin pillow, diamonds twinkling in the moonlight. It was almost as beautiful as the receiver.

He get his answer when she barely looks at the ring and instead looks out into the street as if Dosan will materialize again.

So this is heartbreak.

“I’m sorry. I should have given you an answer a long time ago. Thank you for those letters, you did comfort me during one of the hardest times of my life. I wish I could repay you somehow. But I can’t repay you with my heart. I’m sorry I really am.”

He closes the box, putting his bat away. It seemed that even after getting a chance to bat he just wasn’t what Dalmi wanted. He’s never struck out before, the pain is crippling.

Before he can reply to her rejection she is already bursting through the gate. The engine of her car loud in the dead of the night.

“Yeong sil-ah what’s in front of me?”

“A man in his 30s possibly, holding a black square box and crying.”

He wipes at his face, his fingers come back wet. He didn’t realize when the traitorous tears escaped and he wants nothing more than to suck them back up. He feels pathethic.

“Oh Good Boy, come here.”

And he falls apart in the warmth of the first person to ever treat him like something worthwhile, his only family in this world. He clings to her as sobs ravish his body.

*******************************************************************************************

He’s such an idiot, he knew better than going to her house but he still went and he was immediately punished. Of course, they had family dinners together. They were dating after all, it was natural that Mr. Han would be a welcome guest in their home. While he was the outsider. This was the way it was meant to be from the beginning after all, he had taken credit for someone else’s good deed. He deserved all the pain and suffering he was receiving now.

Thankfully, his house is empty when he pushes open the door and he makes it to the couch before breaking down, hot tears leaking from his eyes as he recalls how comfortably they had come into the house together. It wasn’t the first time that much was certain. Three years was a long time.

But it had been worth it, hearing how useful the app had been for her as she lost her sight, how grounding it was to have a program to help her during the transition after losing her vision. He wanted to cry for her loss but she was fighting so hard and finding the good in her situation, she had praised him until his cheeks hurt and he knew that nothing he ever made would make him as proud as Noongil.

The ringing of his doorbell knocks him free from his thoughts and he presses himself away from the couch, expecting to see his father’s embarrassed face explaining how he forgot his keys and why have a son if not to open doors for him? He sighs in preparation for the conversation before choking on nothing when Dalmi’s red-eyed face appears behind the door.

“Dalmi-ah.”

“Dosan-ah.”

They speak at the same time and then they are both still, gazing at each other in silence.

He has the urge to pinch himself to make sure he didn’t fall asleep on the couch but before he can she speaks, “Dosan-ah, can I come in?”

Honestly he has no idea why she’s here. She had no reason to follow him. Maybe she’s here to second Mr. Han’s word. He can’t stomach that conversation a third time.

But then she blinks and a stray tear escapes.

“Please.”

So he can do nothing but step aside and let her in. She has always been his kryptonite.

She toes her shoes off before stepping into his house, looking around before her eyes land back on him.

“I think we need to talk.”

It seems he was right. He tenses at the ominous words and lets out a deep breath, “No. I understand. Your....he was very clear. I understand now. I promise.”

He can’t’ bring himself to finish his sentence, to name exactly what Mr. Han is to Dalmi, he would much rather not think about it and avoid them both until his heart admits defeat.

Dalmi steps into his space, her hands pausing by his face before she softly holds his cheeks. He freezes, completely lost in her gaze as more tears stream down her face. She looks heartbroken and he almost feels angry, shouldn’t that be his expression?

“Dosan-ah, I missed you so much.”

Punch to the gut.

“I thought about you everyday. Every minute of every day. Every second of every minute. I was so happy you were doing well Dosan but .....I missed you so much. I wanted to be by your side.”

He pulls his face out of her distractingly warm hands, his own clenched in tight fists on the side of his body. What is she saying? She has...someone. Why is she trying to confuse him, is this a game?

“What are you talking about? You broke up with me because I wasn’t him. You want him, he’s the one that you’ve loved since you were a little girl. I wasn’t enough. You told me I wasn’t enough!”

He’s crying too now, all the pain he’s been containing exploding out as he shatters before her eyes. He can barely see her through the sheen of his tears and he rubs at his eyes, storming away from her in shame. He doesn’t want her to see the affect she still has on him, he should be stronger than this.

“I lied.”

He stops.

“I lied about everything. I just wanted to spend your birthday with you but you kept talking about the lawsuit and I knew you wouldn’t leave, you would think it was your fault and you didn’t deserve to live your dream. I pushed you away so you could have a chance at success. I never wanted the Dosan from the letter, that was a fairy tale. It wasn’t real. I know that now Dosan-ah, I want you. I thought I was strong enough to let you go, but it’s my one regret. I.... I love you.”

During her speech Dalmi has been making her way over to him, climbing the stair he froze on before meeting him eye to eye.

“Dosan-ah, I love you. I mean it. There’s no one else. Just you.”

There is no one else. Mr. Han doesn’t have her heart, he glances at her hands finding all fingers empty. As if she feels his gaze on her hand, she grabs hold of his trembling appendages.

“Please say something.”

“Dalmi-ah, I love you too.” His voice cracks, bursting with emotion.

A smile brighter than the sun stuns him as Dalmi falls into his waiting arms. He holds her tightly, never wanting to let her go ever again. If time stopped now he would die happier than he’s ever been.

She nuzzles deep into his neck and he rubs his head against her soft sweet smelling hair, before he feels something plush land on his Adam’s apple.

Her lips.

He stiffens in their embrace and when she pulls back, her eyes are fixated on his lips.

He missed her so much.

“Can we go to your room?” Her voice is deeper and raspier than he’s ever heard it, the tone immediately going to his groin as he imagines her hoarse from something else entirely.

He nods in acquiesce, taking her hand before they ascend the stairs together. Anticipation thick in the air.

He doesn’t get a chance to be embarrassed about the state of his room because once they breach the doorway, he is bodily shoved into the door slamming it shut. Dalmi peers up into his eyes, searching his face before standing on the tips of her toes and catching his shoulder to yank him down and smashing their lips together. He stands still at first, lost in the wet sensation of Dalmi’s tongue swiping at his lips until she pries them open.

She moans prettily as she licks into his mouth, sucking on his tongue as she slides her fingers into his hair moving his head to better fit their mouths together.

He feels lightheaded as Dalmi steals his breath, he breaks their connection gasping for air only to be assaulted again, her lips suctioning the thin skin of his throat and there’s no denying his arousal now as his hard length presses into the zipper of his dress pants. When Dalmi accidentally bumps into the rigid line he jolts, twisting his hips away in shame and he waits for Dalmi to step away and slow them down. Things are moving astronomically quick, faster than the speed of light.

His brain spasms when he feels a small hand molding around the length protruding from his pants.

“Dosan-ah, can I?”

He doesn’t know exactly what she’s asking for but he’s too turned on to say anything but yes, yes, God yes. This has been the focus of one too many dreams that ended with disappointment and sticky sheets, if this is a dream he prays he falls in a coma and never wakes up.

“Yes. Anything, yes.”

Her eyes glint dangerously at his words and then she’s slithering down his body, until her knees meet the floor. His tongue is heavy in his mouth as he watches Dalmi on her knees, she’s so beautiful it’s unfair. Her lips are disastrously red and sore and perfect.

“I thought about this a lot.” She whispers, wrecking him with her slow intentional movement.

He gasps loudly as she drags the metal of his zipper down, unbuttoning his pants and tugging them down his waist. He closes his eyes at the sight of his desire tenting the front of his tight boxer brief, leaving very little to the imagination.

“Dosan-ah. Open your eyes.”

His body listens to her command easily, eyes opened wide as he takes in the view of Dalmi so close to where he needs her the most.

Then as if worried she’ll scare him away, she gently removes his boxers. Inquisitively looking at the length that springs free, before a hand wraps around the wide circumference near the base. He groans almost collapsing from the immense pleasure that wrecks his over sensitized body.

Without any warning she strokes from the base to tip, gathering the viscous liquid that has pooled and using it to smooth her motion, up, up, down, up.

“Dalmi-ah, you don’t have to do this.” He moans out, he has to let her know that this isn’t necessary he’s just happy to be able to kiss her again and be the one who she turns to. This is more than he ever expected and honestly more than he can currently handle.

She tightens her grip, tongue poking out the side of her wide lips as she closes the gap between them. She pops the moist head of his cock into her mouth and this time he does crumble to the ground and Dalmi climbs into this lap chasing him, then swallowing him further and he thinks of coding strings and the sequence of pi, as his balls tighten up and his end draws closer- embarrassingly fast.

Emboldened by his gasps and whimpers she bobs her head, licking at his tip as she strokes the base with a corkscrew move that has his toes curling.

“Dalmi-ah, I think I’m gonna....please stop. I’m too close.”

Humiliation battles with desire, as he feels his release rushing over him. Dalmi ignores his warning, sliding him further into the wet plush cavern of her mouth and he sputters open, overloading into her mouth as she struggles to swallow around the length in her mouth.

Wow.

Nobody has ever touched him before, he’d been offered countless times seen as an exotic treat in the California sun but none of them were tempting enough to make him forget the woman who was currently sprawled in his lap lapping at his spent cock.

Dalmi sits up, wiping at the white droplets that escaped the seams of her lips and it’s a vision erotic enough to have his member jumping, ready for round 2.

“Dosan, I need you to listen okay?”

He’s unprepared for the business-like tone of her voice especially as she pushes his now flaccid cock back into his boxers. He blushes hard fumbling to do that himself but she smacks his hand away, “I got it. I did this, so I should take responsibility.”

He blinks at the statement, before pinching himself. Hard.

She smirks at his pained cry, “Not a dream.”

He blushes looking away with squinted eyes.

“Dosan-ah. Your parents are home. I heard the door open when I first started.” She motions to his crotch and he is in too much shock to react to her words, instead he continues to lay on the ground with his legs spread.

She heard his parents arrive home and continued.

Who is this she-demon?

“They haven’t called for you yet. But I’m sure they will soon. We’re going to go down and act normal okay?”

Act normal. Like Dalmi hasn’t just sucked his brain out through his dick. Right. Sure. He can do that.

“Dosan, my son? Are you home?” His mother’s voice travels up the stairs and he jumps up, haphazardly tugging his pants back up his waist and tucking his shirt back inside.

Turning to Dalmi he asks, “How do I look? Does it look like we’ve been doing...things.”

She raises an eyebrow at his word choice, before stepping closer and combing through his hair with her fingers.

“You look....distracting.” At his confused stare, she licks her lips and tries again, “You look disheveled. Straighten your shirt and untuck your shirt. You’ll look more relaxed. Actually change those pants completely, they have stuff on them.”

He looks down at himself and sees the sticky spot on the waist of his pants, dammit. Red-faced he walks to his closet, pulling an identical pair of pants from a wooden hanger. He starts to take off the soiled pants before remembering that Dalmi is still in the room. When he looks over his shoulder, her eyes are already on him as she unabashedly watches him undress.

“Dalmi-ah.”

“Hmm?”

“I need to change.”

“Okay, go ahead.”

They stare at each other, unblinkingly.

Then there is a sharp knock on the door.

“Dosan-ah, your mother and I heard talking in here. Are you home?”

Throwing caution to the wind, Dosan rips off the pants and hops into the fresh pair. Leaving the shirt untucked as suggested by Dalmi and running a final hand through his hair. With a nod at Dalmi, whose eyes are shining too brightly while he’s on the verge of a heart attack.

Finally pulling the door open, Dosan rubs his neck sheepishly as he greets the expectant faces of his parents.

“Oh Dosan-ah, doesn’t the car outside belong to the pretty CEO? The one you wanted to date? What was her name again, Danmi? Dalni?”

Before he can correct his mother, who he knows for a fact is aware of Dalmi’s name as she had mentioned the girl just days ago. If he was brave (stupid) enough he would glare at her, but as it is all he can muster up is a pleading stare.

Brazenly Dalmi presses the slightly ajarred door all the way open now coming into view. His dad’s eyes widen in shock and then pride, the last time he saw that look was when he told his parents he would be going to San Francisco.

His dad looks even prouder now.

While his mother looks....smug.

“Hello, my name is Dalmi. It’s a pleasure to meet you both.” She bows low at the waist and he looks away from his parent’s stare, not ready to answer any of the questions in their eyes.

“You are here very late. I imagine you both were working on something very important.”

His mother throws them a life preserve and he grabs on to it.

“Yes! Yes, Dalmi-ah had some questions about her business that couldn’t wait. She’s heading out now. I will walk her out.” Dosan is still a coward, he is man enough to admit that.

Dalmi easily goes along with his lie, “Yes. My company is working on a self-driving car. I had some questions about the coding. I apologize for coming over so late.”

Both his parents perk up at the mention of her project, his mother quipping that if Dalmi’s project is a success then she will no longer need to take her driving lessons.

They finally allow Dosan to escort Dalmi out the door only after they have set up plans for dinner the following day, his mother adamant that they formally have a meal with the CEO that Dosan is helping. He almost groans at her lack of subtlety.

Once they are safely outside, Dosan breathes a sigh of relief.

“I’m sorry about my parents. They can be.... excitable. If you would rather not come to dinner tomorrow, I can come up with an excuse for you.” He offers, not wanting to scare the girl off before they can fully restart their relationship.

“What are you talking about? I’m looking forward to dinner with my future in-laws. I want to hear more about the pretty CEO you want to date too.”

He hangs his head, groaning as Dalmi giggles dragging him into another kiss, he lifts her up holding her tightly.

This time, he’s never letting go.

*******************************************************************************************

“So, do you believe them?”

Her husband smirks, almost clapping in glee. “Not a chance.”

There shy little boy wasn’t so shy or little anymore.

#start up #startup #tvn start up #Nam do san #seo dal mi #episode continuation #Smut #but also feelings #dodal #I do want to write something that ignores the show and makes them one big happy family #but I decided to follow the show for this one

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somuchnonsense · 4 years

Text

October Drabbles 21-25

More drabbles

21. Late Night (post-canon Wangxian fluff, mildly NSFW)

It’s past the time that Lan Wangji should be asleep—and he was, actually, until Wei Wuxian crawled into bed with him. Often, Wei Wuxian will just curl up beside him, or perhaps wrap his arms around Lan Wangji and tangle their legs together, and then go quietly to sleep. Tonight, though, he woke Lan Wangji up with kisses on his neck turning into soft nips to his collarbone, pulling his clothing aside to reach further down.

“Go to sleep,” Lan Wangji murmurs, half awake, a soft rumble under Wei Wuxian’s mouth on his chest.

“I will.” Wei Wuxian’s lips flutter against his skin and Lan Wangji shivers. “After.”

Wei Wuxian continues to move downward, kissing a meandering path across Lan Wangji’s stomach. Lan Wangji reaches down, half thinking about pushing him away or pulling him up to settle beside him, but in the end, he only rests his hand on Wei Wuxian’s head, fingers sliding into his hair. “Is that a yes?” Wei Wuxian smugly murmurs into Lan Wangji’s lower stomach, tongue venturing out to trace a line between his muscles while he waits for an answer.

Lan Wangji hesitates for only the briefest of moments before answering, “Yes.”

22. Blushing (post-canon Wangxian fluff, more mildly NSFW)

It was so easy for Wei Wuxian to fluster Lan Wangji when they were young. All he had to do was make a nuisance of himself, say something blatantly flirty (despite not realizing himself that he was flirting), lean into Lan Wangji’s personal space, and he’d be rewarded with subtle hints of panic, yelling, red ears and, if he was really successful, a blush spreading pink and pretty across Lan Wangji’s cheeks.

Since his death and return, though, the tables have turned and it’s Wei Wuxian who finds himself flustered more often than not, all his shameless behavior backfiring on him. Even now, when he understands that flirting with Lan Wangji will never turn him off, Wei Wuxian can’t seem to find a way to tease that doesn’t end in him blushing, usually with Lan Wangji’s lips on his or in other more interesting places. Lan Wangji has become very good at shutting him up, sometimes making an absolute mess of him in the process and sometimes only making Wei Wuxian desperately wish he would, holding tight to his wrists or pinning him down so he can’t get what he wants until Lan Wangji says he can.

And worse still, sometimes when he flirts obnoxiously, Lan Wangji will turn and just give him this look, not quelling, not threatening, not even promising, but just so fond, so openly, unabashedly in love that Wei Wuxian doesn’t know what to with it. He loves Lan Wangji just as much, but it’s still a shock sometimes that anyone could love him so deeply and unshakably. It brings heat to his cheeks, but more so a warmth to his heart, and a feeling that it doesn’t matter if he can’t tease Lan Wangji anymore; all that matters is this.

23. Poetry (modern AU Wangxian fluff, feat. songwriter LWJ)

Lan Zhan writes a lot of songs for other people, working hard on the kind of poetic lyrics and dramatic orchestral music he loves, and which he’s managed to make a name for himself with. He’s only written one song for himself, though, and not so much for himself as for Wei Ying. It’s one of the first songs he ever wrote, when he was an idiot teenager in love wondering if he’d ever fulfill his dreams of being a songwriter, or of having Wei Ying by his side, not just as an annoying classmate and maybe friend, but as someone who knew how Lan Zhan felt and loved him back.

There’s a part of Lan Zhan that always cringes when he hears Wangxian, which (mercifully) exists only as a demo recording sung by him. What was he thinking with that title, or those painfully unsubtle lyrics? But mostly it makes him smile at how quickly and helplessly he fell in love with Wei Ying, even before he particularly liked him, and how he’s only fallen more in love with the passage of time. It also makes him smile because there’s so much hope, not explicitly in the lyrics, but in the feeling of the song, translated from how he felt when he wrote it—and he knows now that he was right to hope.

“I still can’t believe you wrote me a love song when I thought you hated me,” Wei Ying says once when he convinces Lan Zhan to play the demo again. “A sappy as fuck love song.”

“I never hated you,” Lan Zhan responds, a fond smile playing at his lips at the memory of when he tried to convince himself that he did. “And I know perfectly well that you love this song.”

Wei Ying grins and gives him a kiss. “I do love this song, and I love you.”

24. Spicy (unspecified Wangxian fluff)

Wei Wuxian finds it impossibly cute when Lan Wangji tries to eat spicy things for him, especially dishes he cooked which no one in their right mind would try to eat. (He thinks they’re good, but he’s aware that other people are weak and wrong—uh, have different opinions.) It’s not that he wants Lan Wangji to suffer, but it’s sweet that he loves Wei Wuxian enough to try, and it’s simultaneously adorable and hilarious how he tries to hide the effects as his cheeks flush and he starts to sweat and he blinks furiously, his eyes watering and his lips pressed tightly together to hold back a cough.

On the other hand, Wei Wuxian loves Lan Wangji and wants him to be happy always, and that’s why one night when he’s cooking for the two of them, he makes a sincere effort to make the most bland and inoffensive food he can manage. It looks so pale and dull and his hands itch to douse it in pepper, but he restrains himself, setting the dishes on the table as is and calling Lan Wangji in.

He can see the moment Lan Wangji notices, his brow furrowing ever-so-slightly as he scans the table and then looks up at Wei Wuxian, his expression midway between confused and affectionate. “Well, go on. Eat!” Wei Wuxian prods.

It’s the most boring meal Wei Wuxian has ever eaten in his life (when he had a choice, anyway), but it’s worth it for the way Lan Wangji actually seems to enjoy eating it instead of having to brace himself before each bite, and for the fond, appreciative looks he flashes Wei Wuxian in between. “It was very good,” he says at the end, entirely unprompted.

“I’m glad,” Wei Wuxian says, “but I’m not making any promises about it happening again soon.”

Lan Wangji smiles softly and shakes his head. “I would expect nothing less.”

25. Clothes (pre-canon WWX gen, feat. Jiang sibs & JFM)

For the first few years in Lotus Pier, Wei Wuxian accepts whatever clothes are provided to him without complaint. He’s grateful to have a place to live and food to eat and clothes without any holes in them to wear. What those clothes look like isn’t important—and even if it was, he’s afraid to object to anything, afraid of being too greedy in case Jiang Fengmian decides it’s more trouble than it’s worth to keep him. Even when Uncle Jiang asks what he wants, he’s hesitant to really ask for it

Eventually, though, he starts to feel more comfortable, more secure in his place here. (If Madam Yu hasn’t managed to kick him out by now, he’s probably safe, right?) And one day, when a tailor comes to measure him and Jiang Cheng and Shijie for new clothes, Uncle Jiang asks, “What color robes would you like this time?”

“Black!” Wei Wuxian answers. He imagines he’ll look very grown up and manly in black, not to mention have an easier time sneaking around at night if the mood strikes him.

Belatedly, he worries that he’s being too demanding, but Uncle Jiang only smiles and says, “Black it is, then.”

“Only black?” Shijie asks. “You don’t think it’ll look nice with some color underneath?”

“I suppose.” Wei Wuxian considers, trying to picture himself in his new robes. “What color do you think, shijie?”

“Decide for yourself,” Jiang Cheng grumbles, but Shijie ignores him and says, “I think you’d look great in red.”

Wei Wuxian beams as though she’s given him high praise. “All right, then. Black and red for me.” He can’t wait to see how he looks in his new robes.

#mo dao zu shi #mdzs #cql #the untamed #mdzs fic #cql fanfic #the untamed fic #wei wuxian #lan wangji #wangxian #yunmeng trio #wangxian fic #mine #fic #flufftober

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gunmetal-magnus · 3 years

Text

And what if I can’t? What if I’m not worthy of my ideals?

As I stare out my apartment window and watch the drizzling sky, I’m drawn to the subtle gradient of yellow. Clouds coasting through the sky, gray yet without dismay. And the sun? The sun will live to break another day, that I am confident in. I only wish I were so confident in myself.

....

Life is strange. Mine in particular looks like it might be going in a good direction. I’ve been getting interviews for jobs and as someone who’s spent their fair share of time hopelessly unemployed and depressed, not knowing what to do with themselves (besides salsaing with suicide ideation), I should be elated about any progress. I wish I could say that I am or even that I was but that wouldn’t be accurate. The truth is that I’m a harrowing hailstorm of things - surprisedsleepybusycuriousthankfuloptimisticexposedhorrifiedcriticalnervousanxiousinsecurepressuredtired - it’s all a bit overwhelming, isn’t it?

Knocking on the looming doors of success, I find myself feeling the crushing weight of my expectations. The walls are a deafening white with not a texture or pattern in sight. If you try to touch them they ripple like water. There are no windows for me to peer through. Fog creeps around me like a cheetah stalking its prey. It’s so thick you could choke on it. Success is...scary.

I know I know, that sounds a ridiculous thing to say, shouldn’t I be more afraid of failing? Welllll...no. You see, the weight I mentioned earlier was not merely crushing, it was also comforting. Over time failure became familiar and eventually, my friend. I got used to failure as the status quo, smothered in its cosy embrace and the threat of change, of combing out of this embrace into the chilling embrace of uncertainty, of becoming someone worthy of their success - it’s unfamiliar, it’s scary. But just what is so comforting about not achieving your goals - about not getting what you really want? For me it’s because of one paralyzing question: And what if I can’t? What if I’m not worthy of my ideals?

“But…I’m…I’m just a soldier, I-I’m not worthy.”

It’s a terrifying prospect that I could give something my all and find that I just couldn’t do it. I don’t want to be saying “I did my best and it wasn’t good enough,” because what I may mean is “I wasn’t good enough. I don’t have the power.” But that’s exactly the point! I do have the power and if that is true then I have to come to terms with my responsibility to that power - that it’s up to me to use that power because when you can do the things that you can do...and then the bad things happen...they happen because of you. I don’t want that burden so it’s easier to cast it off and reinvent the narrative by claiming powerlessness. It’s easier to identify as a fraud and be done with it, to say to myself “men like me should’ve never dared to believe.”

Haha…paradoxically in our journey to discover our own power we discover just how little power we hold, that our only power is in ourselves. Time and how bound we are to what we know at present, our surrounding circumstances, and the fact that we’re only people who can only do people things - these serve to remind us that the power of what we control and free will are only so vast. It’s strange - you are responsible for how you use your power but not the outcome because you’re not omnipotent. Bad things don’t always happen because of you. Sometimes they just happen. Sometimes things in general...just happen.

Let’s say I achieve success, what then? The pressure to maintain is immense and to exceed - it’s even more so. Who perpetuates this pressure? For many of us it’s society but the greater threat lies within the darkness of our own hearts. The societal gaze is nothing without validation and that validation comes from our self-worth and how grossly entangely that is with achieving success. There is an expectation of linearity and escalation in progress, if you get good grades you’re expected to keep getting good grades and then some, so it’s shocking and disappointing when you don't. People wonder how that could’ve happened, you wonder how it could’ve happened, you start to doubt yourself...should you though? Writer and retired athlete Christopher Bergland challenges the expectation of linearity in success and explained in a conversation with his daughter, “I learned as an athlete that in order to succeed and become the best that I could be, I had to fail again and again—but always keep trying. Inevitably, every time I raised the bar, and took on a new athletic challenge, I would have to fail first in order to ultimately succeed and break a record." He embraced failure as part of the ebb and flow, it was part of success. To him, failure was no reason for doubt. So why should it be for me? I don’t know, because life’s not that simple I suppose? Identifying as unworthy and fraudulent, these are not easy to shake. Negative self-identity manifests itself in habitual self-sabotage. Worrying about how we align with our perceptions of ourselves, procrastination via instant gratification distractions like Instagram scrolling and going back on our promises such as taking that drink we know we shouldn’t become commonplace - habitual and they will take habitual work to undo them.

Even so, is this really just about the burden of ideals? Perhaps not. Susanne Babbel writes in her article “Fear of Success'' that the physiological reactions to trauma and excitement over success are similar - too similar. “When we experience a traumatic event — such as a car accident or a school bullying incident — our body associates the fear we experience with the same physiological feelings we get while excited.” Heart tensions, shortness of breath, quivering and more - they are triggered in me by both stimuli and my body cares not for the messenger, only the message and that message is “be afraid.”

if I’m responding to excitement as if it were trauma, the question is what is my trauma?

…

Babbel mentions that throughout our lives, we may be made to feel less than, “many of us — especially if we've been subject to verbal abuse — have been told we were losers our whole lives, in one way or another. We have internalized that feedback and feel that we don't deserve success.” I knew someone who made me feel like this, I called her my mum. I spent a lifetime being told by her in one way or another that I wasn’t good enough. I remember being dragged into the unlit attic by her for losing a crayon as a child, I remember being shouted at for getting some mediocre grades in junior high school - being told that I better do better, I remember being told that she had given up hope on me - I remember, all of it. We don’t talk anymore - except we do. I internalised her voice and I made it my own, I began to identify with failure. I have an excerpt from an old journal entry that illustrates this identity crisis all too well.

5.11.20

“Sometimes I really wonder

If it’s better

To be a

Fuckup

Than a Success

Without

The Interesting Mess.

...Why do I have to compromise the things that make me who I am to be happy?...Why can’t I have my misery?...I hate doing the right thing...Maybe I like being a failure, a mess, a no man’s man.”

By this time I had long since left home but you can’t outrun your demons, only challenge them. I have only begun to unravel this voice due the therapy I have recently completed and am fighting this battle every day. Sometimes I lose and they gain territory. Other times I manage to reclaim it and even add more. It’s an endless battle.

And yet, the voice of Failure clings to me like some foul smog. Since he doesn’t want to let me try and fall, he’ll say, “It’s comfortable here. Flounder into the fondue of failure, it’s what you know - it suits you. What precisely is so wrong with failure in the first place?”

…

It’s a good question. In an ideal world, the answer may be, “nothing in particular,” because I don’t need to succeed to be valid - do the people you love need to be successful for you to love them? I should hope not. However, it is not so simple for me to love myself. Failure will cost me something more than money and a career. The price of failure is stagnation, embracing the non-linearity of progress and I hate that. I’m grossly impatient and want to move forward with my life, not wallow in the depths of Misery Mires. I’ve been stuck here all my life and I’ve just begun the journey out of here. Failure, as far as I’m concerned, you don’t suit me as well as you think. I must change sometime because I don’t want to die in the claws of the demons from which I was born.

I can’t stay in my comfort zone. Yet I can - I’d even quite like to. Why? Because...because...deep down I’m still reconciling with the idea that I’m worthy, that I’m worthy of living a life worth living, that I can be what I say I am without fear that it’s all a lie and always will be. The only way for me to challenge such a belief is to fly in the face of it - to say that “I am worthy” and to act like I mean it, whatever that means - I don’t quite know yet. My therapist and I agreed that this would be a long road and that ideals are nothing without practice. I guess all I can do now is drive…

“If you aren’t worthy, you’ll keep trying until you are.” In order for me to be worthy of my ideals, I first need to believe that I even have a shot. Beyond that, I need to believe that I deserve to take it. Being worthy means recognising my power to change and the responsibility to act that comes with that. Simultaneously, my power is not all-controlling as I am only a person. Success isn’t linear and failure is a part of that. However the burden of trauma is heavy. The self-sabatory habits I picked up from that will require me to reinvent my self-identity and in turn deconstruct those habits. Lastly and perhaps most importantly, I need to be willing to give the process time. Can I? Haha! - s-sure, why not?

Perhaps one day I will find myself staring out into the sky - maybe it’s drizzling, maybe it’s not. Maybe through an apartment window, maybe in a lush field as the gentle breeze brushes by. The clouds are coasting by as they always have, slowly but surely. What colour are they? Who cares, I don’t even know what colour the sky will be. Maybe it’s illuminated with a lovely peach pink that reaches out and touches the heart of my inner romantic. Maybe it’s an apocalyptic red that leaves you weak in the knees - the possibilities are endless but it doesn’t matter - it doesn’t matter what may be. What matters is what will be and

I will be watching.

I’ll say I’m worthy and

I will mean it.

I don’t know yet know how

But I will

Because that’s what I’ve decided.

#self worth #fear of failure #fear of success #trauma

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colourshot-draws · 3 years

Text

Cup

Birthday celebrations are brought to a grinding halt when a cup is broken. By Vyvyan. Which doesn’t seem out of place. They soon find out this is much more than just a cup. Can you tell I enjoy writing comfort things involving Neil? I think he’d be decent at it, good vibes and all. (Mild Trigger Warning for: Kind of implied past abuse and a panic attack).

** Neil was happy for once. It was his birthday and his friends were actually celebrating it. If he had stopped to think about it too much, he might have thought it odd but the dynamic in their house had changed ever so slightly. It wasn't calmer by any means, there was still a good chance that Vyv would stick your head through a wall at any given moment but there was a silent understanding that they were there for each other - if they really needed it.

And thank god for that.

Vyvyan had been helping set the table (something that surprised everyone), in fact he'd insisted on doing so. He'd been making a mighty effort to be kind on Neil's birthday, only playfully scaring the man so bad that he'd fallen down the stairs and almost broken an arm. Still, Neil couldn't complain (and that was what he was best at), Vyvyan had undergone quite the personality switch overnight. Which is why what came next was all the more jarring.

“FUCK” A loud crash and swear punctuated Neil's rumination. He immediately looked up, eyes landing on Vyvyan standing over a (presumably) dropped cup. The noise had jolted Rick into alertness, even Mike had looked over (although seemingly unbothered). Neil immediately rushed forward, assuming he'd be the one clearing it up. He mumbled a quiet "Heavy, even on, like, my birthday?" before bending down to pick up the pieces. He didn't however, expect the small whimper that left Vyvyan as he moved towards him. Neil cocked his head up at him, hardly believing his ears. Vyvyan had stepped back, face going white and an awful had shaking begun to take over.

"Vyv?" Neil questioned. Vyvyan didn't answer, seemingly too panicked to say anything. "Vyvyan?" He tried again. Still nothing. Until...

"Fuck." Well that was something. It was quickly followed by a few more swears, all in quick succession - each one more panicked than the last.

"Vyv, it's just a cup, man." Neil moved towards him, reaching out. Vyvyan practically jumped away.

"NO!" Vyvyan exclaimed, perhaps a little harsher than intended. "No, no, you don't understand. I was trying to be all nice and-" He exhaled shakily. "-And I messed it all up like a fucking idiot." He punctuated the "idiot" with such venom that Neil realised this was not just a cup to him. Neil's expression changed to that of concern.

"I...I swear it's okay. You didn't mess anything up, right?" Neil kind of kicked some of the broken shards away to illustrate his point, even throwing in an attempt at a smile. Vyvyan remained unconvinced, his shaking hadn't stopped. "Vyv, you break things all the time, what's different about this?" That had not been the correct thing to say, Vyvyan's face darkened.

"YOU don't understand! I was trying this time, really trying and I still can't manage to get it right-" Vyvyan’s voice went up a few notches, perhaps unintentionally. He looked a sight, yelling while simultaneously shaking like a leaf.

"Vyv..."

"NO, Neil, you don't-"

"Vyvyan!" The hippie never raised his voice. At any other time, this would have been enough to shock the punk into shutting up but this was not a normal situation. He just continued to rant, only becoming more panicked by the second. Rick and Mike were looking on in disbelief, not daring to make a comment. They hadn't seen the punk look anything close to vulnerable before. "Vyvyan. Listen to me" Neil said firmly, trying to get his attention. It wasn't working. "Oh floppy disks...VYVYAN!" Vyv stopped, looking if anything, more afraid - a few tears collecting in his eyes. Neil immediately felt guilty for yelling. "I'm...not angry at you for, like, dropping a cup. I promise." Neil said, much softer this time. Vyvyan's brow furrowed, seemingly unable to fathom someone not being terribly angry at him for this kind of thing.

"You're...not?" He managed to croak out after a few seconds of silence. "Of course not, man." Neil swore he could hear the gears turning in the punks head, mulling this piece of information over. Neil didn't want to consider why Vyvyan needed to process that, let alone hear it in the first place but if it helped his friend - he wouldn't argue with it. He tried to slowly approach Vyvyan once more, watching fear flit across his features again.

"I won't like...come near you if you don't want me to, man. I just want to help." Neil may have looked like he was handling this well but truth be told, he could hear his own heart beating in his ears. There wasn't anything stopping Vyvyan from reacting violently...Neil had never dealt with scared Vyv before. But Vyvyan didn't react with violence, more the opposite, those earlier few tears now turning into a cascade. Well that had been the last thing Neil had wanted to do, god he wasn't very good at this whole comfort thing, was he?

Vyvyan on the other hand, wasn't much focused on Neil worrying about his comforting skills. As he stood there, fists clenched, hot tears running down his burning cheeks and a messy mixture of anger and fear contorting his features - he became keenly aware of everyone's eyes on him. That they were all staring, holding their breath, terrified that he'd lash out at any second. By god, couldn't they tell that he was utterly terrified as well? He hated that he couldn't move, his body wouldn't let him and as his teeth sunk into wobbling lips - he was reminded of how pathetic he felt (and must have looked). It didn't help that Neil was looking at him with such pity in his eyes, it made Vyvyan feel like being violently ill. Please for the love of god, do something you bastard, help me - just stop staring- Neil granted his wish, although unknowingly. Vyvyan felt Neil lightly touch him on the arm, perhaps to try and comfort him. That was enough to make his skin crawl and without thinking he grabbed the hippies arm, pushing it away. Neil didn't react, he just silently stared at Vyvyan. That look of pity had been replaced by... concern and his usual mopey expression had become softer - albeit still sad. Neil wasn't angry at him, hell he didn't even look scared of Vyvyan. He just looked like he cared. And Vyvyan felt a little of his inner defences crumble at that. He relaxed his grip on Neil's arm, hardly realising how harshly he'd been holding it - although the hippie hadn't complained. Watching Vyvyan soften slightly made Neil do something he'd never thought he'd do.

He hugged Vyvyan. And Vyvyan didn't push him away.

Neil wasn't confident in too many of his skills, even cooking and cleaning (which was his main job and still he wasn't too sure about that). However, he knew he was a good hugger. Vyvyan seemed to agree in some way because as his arms transitioned from hanging limply by his side to embracing Neil back, he could feel how much the punk had needed one. Vyvyan wasn't a loud crier so the only noise that punctuated the air was a few soft sniffles as he buried his head in Neil's shirt. No one said anything, no one could. Neil didn't even complain about Vyvyan’s studded forehead poking into him.

It was only when Vyvyan let go did everyone seem to regain their ability to speak. "U-Um-" Rick piped up, Vyvyan could hear his voice wavering. He looked up, over at the poet, noticing that he'd gotten all teary. Bloody hell. "I was wondering if y-you'd like to watch Bastard Squad or something…" He was making an effort to hide the fact that he'd been upset but Vyvyan could hear it in his snivelling tone of voice. He made a mental note to tease Rick about it later. Still the offer was nice...wait it was still Neil's birthday!-

"No, no way." Vyvyan rubbed his eyes, trying to erase any evidence that he'd been crying at all - though he knew there wasn't much point. They'd all watched what had happened. "It's still Neil's birthday. He probably has some dumb hippie show he wants to watch or something…" The hippie comment went unnoticed, Neil was too busy breaking into a warm smile - it looked a bit out of place on his face.

"I, like, don't mind. Not at all." Neil really didn't. A hint of Vyvyan's signature grin returned as he nodded.

"RIGHT!" He jumped onto the couch, settling down, seemingly forgotten about his earlier gripes about it being Neil's birthday. The rest joined him, although it took a little rearranging to get them all to fit (no one felt like leaving each other out this time around). That's how Vyvyan ended up next to Neil, head lying on the hippies shoulder. Mercifully none of the guys pointed that out, in fact they didn’t seem to actually care. Vyvyan had underestimated how much his...episode had affected his housemates. Even Mike, who currently had his sunglasses pushed so far into his face - in an attempt to sustain his cool guy look - that Vyvyan would be surprised if they didn’t leave terrible red marks.

“Thanks” Vyv had whispered to Neil, halfway through Bastard Squad. Neil hardly believed his ears, in fact he would have asked the punk to repeat himself but he was making a point of avoiding the hippies gaze. Neil decided against making it harder for the man and just nodded, smiling in response. Vyvyan grunted, a noise of acknowledgement, before turning his attention back to the tv. This certainly had been a day of firsts and Neil felt that was a good sign. After all, the hippies birthday should produce good vibes (and positive change, all that “frightfully boring hippie nonsense” as Rick would say).

#the young ones #neil pye #vyvyan basterd #mike the cool person #rick pratt #tyo #fanfic #this isn't a fav of mine #but here you go #I really enjoy writing Rick getting upset #i feel like he would get teary #about his housemates being distressed #even if he definitely doesn't want that to be true

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spell-cleaver · 4 years

Note

(Luke Palpatine AU) There were soft voices coming from Luke's bedroom. Vader knew that his son hated him, that he despised him, but he couldn't help himself. He lurked closer, peering in through the half open door, and what he saw bright simultaneous joy and sadness to his heart. Luke was sitting on his bed, talking to Nova, and he was actually smiling.

Previous parts on the masterpost here!

There were soft voices coming from Luke's bedroom. Vader knew that his son hated him, that he despised him, but he couldn't help himself. He lurked closer, peering in through the half open door, and what he saw bright simultaneous joy and sadness to his heart. Luke was sitting on his bed, talking to Nova, and he was actually smiling.

Vader paused as he lifted his hand to knock, to draw attention to himself. It was still so rare for him to see Luke smile that he wanted to soak in the moment even if it wasn't meant for him, and all of a sudden he was hit with a surge of gratitude for Sabé. Sabé, who'd brought Luke happiness even in the depths of his miserable life, and had taught Vader's son love and goodness and light when all Vader had done was try to beat it out of him.

Vader didn't want to interrupt this. Not at all.

Exploring Palpatine's precious vaults, tearing through Sith holocron after Sith holocron, had... not been a pleasant experience. He hadn't wanted to report everything to Luke anyway, despite his promise, but now...

He couldn't destroy this moment of peace. Luke deserved this, and Vader deserved to stay away.

So he turned, heart clenching...

"Vader?" Luke asked, looking up. He froze. "Are you finished in the vaults?"

Vader paused, let breath fill his lungs three times, before he said, "There was far too much in there to be certain that I have finished, but I believe I have found most of what can conceivably be found."

"Are you here to report, then?" Luke asked, sitting up against his pillow. Sabé smiled at him, then more tentatively at Vader, from the armchair she'd pulled up next to the bed. "What did you find? What are your theories?"

Vader paused again. "I can report now if you so wish it, Majesty."

Luke nodded. He was in a much better mood than he was earlier, it seemed; the japor snippet sat snug about his collarbone. Vader's heart soared and shattered at the sight of it. "If you're ready?"

Vader let his respirator breathe again, and suddenly he felt odd, standing and towering over Luke and Sabé while they were seated. He used the Force to pull another one of Luke's armchairs over to next to the bed and seated himself, ignoring the way the chair creaked underneath him. Maybe it would collapse. Maybe it would make Luke laugh again.

"I... am ready," he said. He could feel Sabé's gaze on him.

"Then what did you find?"

Vader winced. "It seems that Palpatine put... a great deal of energy into researching this, little angel. There are all sorts of texts and holocrons which discuss this very ritual, and there are few decisive, accepted opinions of ancient Sith scholars. I believe a great deal of what Palpatine's plan was based on was merely his own theories." And his foresight, which was far more of a problem—it was famously accurate. But Vader didn't want to scare Luke.

Too late. Luke was scared, though he could tell he was doing his best to stay strong. "And what few decisive, accepted decisions did you find?"

"The body cannot hold two souls," Vader said simply. "Any sentient species researched was incapable of holding—"

"Researched?" Luke paled the moment he started thinking about what, exactly, that would entail.

"Yes." Vader stiffened as Sabé shot him a look. This was why he hadn't wanted this... "The human body, in this case, cannot hold more than one soul, and more specifically the soul it was naturally born with—natural attachments between body and soul—"

"You mean the act of living."

"...yes. But it is harder for the invading soul to seize control and settle into the body than for the original soul to fend them off, especially if the original being is Force-sensitive. So it is considered necessary for the invader to be far more powerful than the original, in order to be assured of success when faced with resistance."

Despite the morbid subject, that last part was said with hope. Luke was powerful—so, so powerful. If the worst came to the worst, Luke could...

"I'm doomed," Luke said. "There's no way I'll be able to resist my father."

Vader stared.

The boy shifted awkwardly. "He is all powerful."

"Luke..." Vader broke himself off. "You are far more powerful than Palpatine."

His son stared at him.

"What?"

"That is why he wants you as his vessel in the first place, I believe," Vader said, shaking his head—well, helmet. "Your connection to the Force is unparalleled, undoubtable. If it came down to it, you could resist him."

Luke looked at his fingers, entwined in his lap. "How?"

"Little was documented in the holocrons about how one resists or battles for dominance of the body, but I suspect it would be a similar skill to shielding, or resisting invasions of your mind—"

"Which I can't do. I can't keep you out. I could never keep him out."

"Because he kept you that way," Vader insisted. "Untrained, easy to overcome. But this is something we can change—"

"No."

Vader blinked. "What?"

"I trust you not to kill me," Luke said. His hands shook as he said it, and the words cut Vader to the core. "I trust that you don't want to hurt me. But you have hurt me, Lord Vader, and I refuse to train with you. I will never train with you again."

And as he said that, Vader thought he might have heard a death knell.

"Even if it may be the difference between life and oblivion?" he asked. "Even if it may be the only thing that allows you to keep control of your body?"

Luke kept his gaze steady. "Even then," he uttered, and the pieces of Vader's heart were crushed to dust.

He deserved this, he thought to himself.

He should've expected this.

If he lost his son, he knew, it would be all his fault.

"...very well," he acquiesced. "Then we shall do our best to simply keep him away from you."

Sabé was giving him a look. A fierce, furious look, and he knew exactly what she was thinking, but no. He could not. He could not.

...even if it was to save Luke's life?

He stood abruptly. "That is all for today, Majesty," he said to Luke. "I... will inform you if I learn anything else."

"Thank you, Lord Vader," Luke said, as Vader turned to leave the room.

His happy mood from earlier was completely gone.

Send me the first sentence of a scene from this fic and I’ll continue it!

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#luke palpatine #luke skywalker #darth vader #sabé #my writing #random words on a page

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call-me-merlyn · 3 years

Text

I found a list of my favorite things you ever said to me. I cried in a way that I haven’t since I was a small child- broken by my parents’ words, mistakes, and anger. I curled my knees to myself and remembered that I can do hard things. I started to wonder where we went wrong. Because my feelings for you never changed. But then I realized that was never the issue. These words I read now ring as true today as they did over the four years you wrote them. But I want them back. I want you back. I want pragmatism and growth. I want to talk about the hard things and work them through. But I can’t tell you that. I can’t tell you anything because you don’t want to hear it. Because you’re hurt and you want space. So if you stumble upon this blog- the one I told you not to look at all those years ago- I will let a few snippets of your words remind you. Mind you, these are 12 out of about 30.

1. Baby. I want the future with you. It just hit me so hard. I want the visions I have. I want us and I don't see that changing. We are the most beautiful couple I have ever encountered. Not just because we're both convinced the other is drop dead gorgeous, but because I see such magnificent potential in us, together. We are that rare couple that could actually have the dream life that everyone wants and fears is impossible or that they don't deserve it. Health, happiness, adventures, perfect children, successful careers, growth and excitement, cuddles, intellectual stimulation, respect for each other, kisses that leave us breathless, freedom, good friends that we both care about, a lovely home, a dorky dog or five, all the sex we can handle, our families coming together wonderfully, and true fucking love. I want it all with you and I believe that we can have it with all my heart. Ugh I want it and I'm so excited to build towards the future we want. With you. Every damn day, one day at a time.

2. Morning love. To build a home? I'll always like yours more. I'm binging your music this morning. Speaking of songs that make me cry. Night in shining armor? I love that whole analogy. Your words are one of my favorite things about you. I love the music that spills from your lips, whether you're singing or laughing or reading or teasing me. It's all heavenly music to my ears. I'm so proud to be your person, your once and future someone. I love you so much. The dark times have passed baby, you brought the light back into my life.

3. This one's hard to explain. I've never met someone who is such a clean harmony. Your identity, your character, is a beautiful, pure chord. Every interaction I have with you I hear that resonance, and the notes weave together perfectly. That chord resonates with who I am on such a deep level, and I could hear it from the very first moment we interacted. I want to listen to that chord every day, to hear it form your melody, day in and day out. Puzzle out it's layers and listen to you add more. And to play my own song to match yours, to create our own wonderful song in this life.

4. You elicit feeling so well with words, sometimes it makes me feel inadequate

The way you express yourself so effortlessly

Because I've always prided myself on communicating verbally

But it comes pretty effortlessly to me too

Especially when I talk about you

I know I keep coming back to this, I'm sorry

But it resonates so strongly with me

To imagine you as a song, chord, or melody

The way your music weaves with mine

Haunting, ethereal, and divine

You make my eyes and heart shine

With love and affection, at my most painful times

When I can't feel it about myself

You come to my house and put happy memories upon my shelf

I want to show you how much you mean to me

So that you will always see

You are my light

And in the middle of the night

When I roll over and feel your breath

On my neck, I don't fear death

Because a life next to you is a life worth living

The love I have for you is a love worth giving

5. I was watching How I Met Your Mother, and to be honest that show really means a lot to me. I'm not sure why I bonded it with it so hard, it feels kind of silly in retrospect, but I did. In the episode, the main character runs into the girl who left him at the altar for another man, and they talk about true love and who you choose to be with. And the guy has an open moment about his yearning for that special connection that people find so rarely. That spark between people that's so unique and magical when it occurs. The song Careful by Michelle Featherstone plays in the background. I'm sure you've heard it, and it just pulled at my heartstrings. Maybe listen to it as you read this? Bc I am as I write. It makes me think of you. I've said it before, and the words fall flat, but I'm so damn grateful for you. Every piece of you. The fractals, the perfectly formed little moments of unadulterated Merlyn, that come together to form this perfectly cohesive being of fucking light. You know me. And I don't like to admit that I falter, or that I need help from anyone. It goes against what I've been trained to be by my father, my experiences, and my own cynical nature. Before you walked into my life...I wasn't entirely happy. I was missing something. I could feel it. And it made me ache. I went looking for it everywhere, even though I wasn't sure what it would look like when I found it. But I knew how it would feel. And you... you rescued me. From my own damn self. I'm prone to loneliness for a number of reasons. I'm solitary. I like to be independent. I'm proud. I can be harsh and judgmental. I get exhausted by humanity. I can be very sensitive when I'm vulnerable, and I don't like to give more than a handful of people the power to touch my heart. But since you walked into my life? I don't have to look anymore. I have never felt such constantly genuine, gentle, fierce, and unselfish support from anyone. Not from my parents, not from friends, my cousins, my lovers. No one has ever looked at me the way you do. No one has ever been so unyieldingly loving. Every time I have trusted you with more of my heart and my self, you do your absolute best to make me feel valued and loved. No matter how that best manifested, I have always felt your effort. You are always careful with my heart. I used to carry around this utter, soul crushing feeling that I missed someone. Someone vital. But there was no one to miss. And I didn't know where to direct that desire for connection. I got lonely because I wanted someones company...that I didn't know. But since I met you, I haven't felt that even once. I have only rarely felt lonely, and even in those moments, it was because I fucking missed YOU. Your laugh, your touch, our connection. And that's such a revelation to me. To know the face of the person I feel I've been missing all this time. It's been you. I love you, Merlyn. You are an unparalleled treasure to me.

6. God damn it Merlyn, I have so much love for you. I'm so lucky to have you, the thought of losing you is a nightmare. I want late night quesadillas and then to push each other to eat right. I want to scoff at each other's baby names until we get to ones we both love. I want to be your shoulder to lean on, cry on, or try to dislocate with a kimura. I want yours to be the same for me (maybe without the kimura bit?) I want to sing duets with you and write stories on lazy Sunday afternoons. I want to make you grin and I want to make you bite your lip. I want to hear your breathing every night when I go to sleep. I want to put Tristan on my shoulders, have a debate with Chris, try to get your cat to like me. I want you to cuddle into me and let me hold you at night even when I get hot because you're the most precious fucking thing in the world to me. I want you to train with my dad and shop with my mom. I want to get drinks with your mom and laugh at your dad's dirty jokes. I want to travel with you, go jet skiing on tropical islands and throw snowballs at each other in the mountains. I want to walk around crowded cities with you until I get too anxious but you tell me to chill out and stop being such a baby about it. I want to hear my daughter call you mother. I want to see you spin like you did when I first walked you home. Nothing brings me more joy than the thought of sharing the little moments, the big moments, and everything in between with you. Nothing is worth jeopardizing that future for me. I love you with all that I am. Count on it.

7. I just read all your words top to bottom and they hit me hard. I've been looking at them as bits and pieces. One day, one note at a time, not a tapestry. All together in one sitting, I can just feel where your heart was, and maybe still is. I hope it still is in some ways, because I've never been loved like how you love me. Not with such admiration or surety. I've never been wanted the way you want me. It makes me feel simultaneously unworthy and determined to live up to your love. It breaks me to feel the pain in your pen strokes. I want to wrap you up in my arms and fend away anything that would ever make you cry. I hate myself sometimes for making you cry. It breaks me every time, a corruption of my purpose. Every time, to read the simple words "today was hard..." It rips me apart. I love, live to see you smile. To laugh with you. To make music with you, whatever the form. I'm sorry for all the pain I've ever caused you, my darling. It's never my intention. You are my most precious gift, and words fall short of expressing the breadth and complexity of my feelings for you. They boil down to what you've written over and over again though: I want this life with you. I want all the complications, all the routine days, all the late night phone calls, and the adventures. I want to walk around knowing we have the same last name. I want you. Endlessly I want you. I wish I could pull a fragment of that feeling out of my chest and give it to you just so that you'd understand. God I miss you. I love you. You are my partner, and I hope that stays true for the rest of our lives. I can't say it enough. You are everything to me. I want you to express every part of you, never stop, because I love them all. Every mellifluous note in your melodies, every word of poetry in your fascinating mind, every fierce moment on the mat, every tear that falls in your fragile, vulnerable moments. I want to be there. To give you love and to be the best partner I can be. For you. God I can never say enough

8. Kay I'm heading to bed so gonna write this out. It's difficult. Love defies definition by its very nature. Which is a paradoxical statement right out the gate but whatever. I started writing my response in a philosophical approach but it didn't feel right. There's no need to ramble about Forms or essence or any of that philosophy mumbo jumbo. All that matters is how you opened my eyes. I used to think that love was about passion above and to the detriment of everything else. I used to think that love and pain were joined at the hip, inseparable. I used to fear that love was a curse, a burden, a surrender. I used to think that to fall for someone was a trap, and that you were taking a terrible gamble by giving someone the power to destroy you. I used to think that relationships were ropes and that love was a noose. I used to think that love was jealous, demanding, forceful, combative. I used to think that love was sporadic and messy. I used to think that there was no true, sustainable happiness to be found. You've turned it all around. Hell, you've upended the board and thrown away the rulebook. You've shown me that love is a balance of passion and choice, that they should play off each other build each other up. One is useless without the other. Passion will burn you out, but so too can you drown going through the motions. I've been through both. You're the only one that has struck the balance with me. You've shown me that the only necessary pains from love are the growing pains. I've been given and dealt horrible wounds, been through wars. Our relationship is the only one in which both parties can put their weapons down. You've shown me that love is a tank of oxygen when you're drowning, a shoulder to lean on, an investment. Trusting you with my heart has liberated and empowered me. I believe that trusting me with yours has done the same for you. We use that understanding of each other to lend strength, to give joy, to protect. You've shown me that relationships are lanterns and that love is the sun. You lit up my world. You've shown me that love is generous, thoughtful, gentle, supportive. You've shown me that it's steady and pure. You've shown me that happily ever after isn't just in storybooks. It's attainable. We have an obligation to chase it. We've been given a gift. And I will be grateful for it for the rest of my life. I will cherish it. I will cherish you. You've given me everything. You are my true love. Goodnight I hope you sleep well

9. Darling, gorge yourself on my love

I pray to God that it’s enough

To fill you up and keep us above

The water line of that rising slough

Darling, gorge yourself on my heart

I pray to God it’s what you need

Ignore the pain in the darker part

Come home again to me to feed

Darling, gorge yourself on my mind

I pray to God it’s what you want

Those angry echoes you may find

Don’t let them drive you from this haunt

Darling gorge yourself on me

I pray to God I’m what you crave

I know I’m flawed but I can be

The one who saves you, the one you save

Oh darling, I’ll gorge myself on you

On your mind and body, heart and soul

So darling, gorge yourself on me too

To keep us human, keep us whole

10. I want us to be tethered by the sea, to back each other to the hilt, to paint the walls red with love, to get lost in the light. Baby I promise I will take true care of you, tell you that some things last, and know you better than your piano. Because you found me. You came out of nowhere, you made me fall in love with a single touch, and this ain't a haunted house no more. I can't take my mind off of you. Only you can help me to forget the terror that comes and goes in waves. You keep me warm, and I know that all will be well and we'll be just fine. So don't give up love. Three more months, flyin your way home to me. We'll be inches apart and even closer at heart. So send me your location, cause I'm jealous of the wind that ripples through your clothes. Put your eyes on me, and I know a place that we can get away. Say you won't let go, tell me it's real, and let's go somewhere only we know. We won't need to take our clothes off to have a good time, but I'll get the lights and you lock the door, cuz we won't leave that room til we both feel more. Cause I see it all without the lights. No one will ever see you the way my eyes do. You are something to behold. Elegant and bold, you are unforgettable. You are the fire and the flood. Last night I woke the fuck up, realized I never wanted anything so much as to drown in your love. If you could read my mind love, what a tale my thoughts could tell. I feel life for the very first time: love in my arms and the sun in my eyes. Ohh I fall apart, and I can't help falling in love with you. I still can't believe that I found love where it wasn't supposed to be. Right in front of me. At (college). I made a fumbling play for your heart, and the act struck a spark. I want to be with you for the rest of my life and beyond. No grave can hold my body down. I'll crawl home to you and go straight into your arms. I'm in love with all that you are.

11. You always wonder about the future. What makes you different from the others. There are infinite answers, but some of the biggest ones are that..you make me understand and feel things that people always say but never mean. Until you, I've never truly wanted all of someone. And I mean it when I say I want ALL of you. I am in love with every inch of you, every word that comes out of your mouth, every little habit, every quirk. I have wanted every piece of you in every moment that I've known you without fail. I have never adored anyone or anything so much. You are perfection to me. In the truest sense of the word baby. You make the cliches make sense. You make them feel not cliche. It's incredible. You make sense in my bones. I am so in love with you. I can picture nothing more glorious than a life with you. That's how I know you're the one. Because it's obvious. And when it's right, it should just he obvious. Easiest choice in the world.

12 Goodnight ____. I hope you sleep well. I really enjoyed hanging out and listening to you play tonight. I know you were half joking about how I should be paying you compliments, but your music abilities really are such a gift. It always makes me happy when you use them. You get this energy about you that’s so wonderful to see. I’m listening to your soundcloud stuff again now. Been a while since I’ve done that, haven’t had access to the account for a bit. I wish you had more of your stuff on here. It’s all so lovely. It always makes me think about us. You don’t seem to care for it much, but especially To My Future Someone. I hope I live up to all you dreamt I’d be when you wrote those words. I hope to the gods I’m the one you sang about. Because you are everything I ever wanted in a true love, and more. Things that I didn’t even know I needed. You’ve made me a kinder, much more grateful man. And a happier soul. You deserve the best in this world, and I’ll always do my utmost to be him. I’m so in love with you. I’ll talk to you tomorrow, my light. Sweet dreams.

When did the thought of losing me stop being a nightmare? Because the hurt was never more than this. Never more than this love. You said in another snippet that you’d do anything to be the person I built a home with; you’d do your best to be the my person and to never hurt me. But you don’t want to be with me. And you chose your nightmare over your dreams. And I still choose you. I still chose you every second of every fucking day. It was my nightmare too and I’m living it.

But, I’m changing. I’m harder now. The tears don’t fall quite as easily as they used to. And at least I know who I am now. I am a warrior. I am beautiful. I am strong. I am new. Don’t think 8 weeks can change someone?? Come see me again. I’ll show you exactly who I’m not anymore. The only thing that hasn’t changed is my love for you.

And if you want to lose these words and this love, so be it. I won’t fight you. I won’t fear you or that anymore. I don’t want to be the only one fighting. I can’t. And I won’t be afraid of my worst nightmares because they have come true and even though I pray I won’t lose you, nothing in this life is certain. If you don’t want to fight, I will be someone else’s light someday. And I will shine unashamed; unabashed; strong and sure. I will bring beautiful children, music, and love into the world. But until then, I’ll be my own light, and set my darkness aflame every morning, just as I have since the day you left. After all, there’s not much darkness left anymore.

#journalentry #long reads #personal entry

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oneweekoneband · 3 years

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Vacation

There’s a lot of clichés about artists burning out just as they come through with their brightest work, and in some people’s version of this story, that might be the frame for Vacation, BTMI!’s final album before breaking up. Personally, I’ve never bought into those monomyth-esque narratives about bands’ inherent career arcs, and so I’m not inclined to view the album this way. I will say that while I absolutely love it, I don’t think it’s necessarily the band’s best album. It’s also just not accurate to think that this was a point of “burning out” for BTMI!, since Jeff started writing for his solo career almost immediately following the band’s dissolution.

Still, Vacation does hew eerily close to a lot of these rock ‘n’ roll archetypes. It was a momentous album, it was probably the most publicized release the band had seen, it represented a new musical direction that seemed to present itself as the summary of Jeff’s experimentation with genre and songform over the rest of the band’s career, and the band very much did break up after its release (although, as with ASOB, it took a few years for that to become official).

About that publicization: while I’m somewhat sad that I missed out on most of BTMI!’s career (being, you know, too young to go to shows or even think much about punk for the first 5-ish years), I’m still glad I found them when I did, because the build-up to the release of Vacation was a really interesting time to be a fan. In 2010, almost a year before the release, the band began a roll-out of singles to get people excited about the new material, and it worked like a charm on me: the boisterous first single “Everybody That You Love” seemed like a sign of great things to come if its electrifying lead guitars and dizzying vocal hook were any indication. “Hurricane Waves” and “Can’t Complain” showed even more diversity to look forward to when the band released them in 2011 ahead of the album. In addition to that, Jeff launched a whole new label to sell Vacation (and much of the other stuff released through Quote Unquote) through, Really Records. Clearly, he was trying to communicate something about the step forward he wanted Vacation to represent.

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And fans like me, despite knowing that “Side Projects Are Never Successful” and that Jeff was never in it for the fame, had reason to believe not only that this might have been the band’s big shot, but that they might actually make it big – or at least to become big enough to continue to exist as a full-time touring band that played music for a living. The Vacation singles were getting media coverage like no other previous BTMI! release had, and they marked a direction for the band’s music that, while retaining the punk integrity and musical ambition of the earlier albums, also proved more melodic, cleanly-produced, and accessible to a broader audience. While previous albums got recognition in the punk scene, Vacation looked like it had “crossover potential.” And when it finally arrived, there were even more positive signs: within half a year of the release, “Can’t Complain” made an appearance in “The Office.”

Of course, for all this to work, the album had to be good, and thankfully it was better than that – despite what might have sounded like my talking it down, it definitely represents a new high for the band. It’s Jeff’s own favourite BTMI! album, and I can see why: its complexity is something to be proud of. He had always been influenced by artists falling outside of the punk spectrum, but here those influences are more pronounced than ever, and the band finally breaks free of its ska-punk chains with a sound wholly its own. Brian Wilson-esque harmony arrangements and multi-part songs abound, and in a similar fashion to To Leave Or Die In Long Island, a couple motifs from individual songs (“Campaign For A Better Next Weekend” and “Sick, Later”) turn up in multiple places on the album for thematic cohesion. If SMiLE was Wilson’s “teenage symphony to God,” Vacation might be Jeff’s “adult symphony to punk rock.”

Many of my favourite songs off Vacation stand completely alone in the BTMI! catalogue, with little stylistic precedent. “Why Oh, Why Oh, Why (Oh Oh Oh Oh)” is a brash, thunderous fusion of Elvis Costello’s melodic sense and Bruce Springsteen’s maximalism, with a wealth of memorable melodies and lyrics that are all Jeff’s own. “Can’t Complain” is that rare song that manage to “rock quietly” – it’s both hushed and urgent in its muted acoustic chords and slide guitar lines, panicking at the pace of everyday life while simultaneously realizing how much there is to be thankful. And of course there’s the glorious, dynamic opener that slowly builds from a nostalgic piano riff accompanied by subtle, emotionally-charged chord changes into an explosive hardcore-punk charge, with vocals ranging from Jeff’s cleanest, quietest-ever singing to his more characteristic shouting to a group chant at the end.

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But even when Vacation retreads familiar territory, it still feels like it’s moving forward. “The Shit That You Hate” stands in a long line of 3/4 5-6-minute slow-burn songs appearing on BTMI! albums, but it feels like a perfection of that particular type of song rather than a simple revisiting. Jeff’s weak, warbly falsetto note when he sings “Hold onto your hope” always gets me a little choked up. “Hurricane Waves” might recycle a melody from To Leave Or Die In Long Island during its bridge, but the rest of the song is all new, providing that melody with a fascinating recontextualization to great effect. The aforementioned “Sick, Later” has a zig-zagging riff in an unusual time signature combination that still manages to be incredibly hooky, as well as some of my favourite lyrics on the album:

The first time that I took you to the hospital,

I was tired and you wanted to die,

I drove off, and I couldn't understand at all

Fuck, I didn't even walk you inside,

I thought we all wanna die, we all wanna die,

And I thought that was fine, I thought that was fine.

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One of the album’s most instantaneous joys comes from “Vocal Coach,” the shortest true song on the album. Jeff’s vocals were probably the most consistently difficult factor in terms of getting listeners outside of punk to take BTMI! seriously; they’re somewhere in between the traditionally-expected “bad” vocals of classic punk and the cleaner, more melodic style of singing dominant in pop-punk. Either way, they definitely don’t play to mainstream ears (perhaps this is why “Campaign For A Better Next Weekend” starts the way it does, and for that reason, Vacation might be the best place for a listener that’s not well-versed in punk to jump into the band’s discography). On “Vocal Coach,” Jeff takes on this problem with a healthy dose of irony, penning an ode to the imperfections he loves in music, the “dirty covers, dusty grooves and deep scratches.” But with a melody reminiscent of Pinkerton-era Weezer, he also expresses his own frustration with his inability to transcend the ugliness of his own singing: “I get embarrassed when my voice pops out and it’s not like in my head, / If I got a new vocal coach and I could hit the notes, you’d fall in love again.”

I understand that frustration – I’ve sung in more than one band, but before I even started playing in a band, I never thought I could be a singer because I thought I wasn’t good enough. But over time, I slowly realized that the reason I thought that was because I was comparing myself to singers who were already considered to be superhumanly-gifted, and that not every singer needs to be that way; there are thresholds of “good-enough,” and realizing where you fall in that can be a very freeing experience. I learned to sing by imitation Johnny Rotten and Billy Corgan, singers with definitively “bad” voices that nevertheless managed to communicate pretty much exactly what they wanted to in their songs. And Jeff Rosenstock was another big inspiration to me in that respect: he was a “bad” singer who nevertheless sang his songs defiantly, against popular tastes, because who else was going to do it for him? (Not to mention that as a “rock ‘n’ role model,” Jeff seems like a much better guy than Johnny or Billy.) But like Jeff, I know that there are times when singers wish we could do more with our voices than what seems to be within our natural ability, and we start wondering if it’s just a matter of putting in the right amount of work to “perfect” that voice. “Vocal Coach” brilliantly captures the nuances of this feeling in under two and a half minutes in an unforgettably catchy tune.

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It couldn’t last, though. Even Jeff seemed to know it, as he sang on “Vocal Coach”: “ I'm aware that I'm kind of getting scared the love that I thought had no bounds is coming to an end.” Vacation proved that BTMI! could be made more accessible and reach a wider audience, but there were limits to that growth. Just what reasons lay behind those limits will always be a bit obscure, but after a while, it became clear that despite being their most successful album to date, Vacation wasn’t going to be a true “commercial breakthrough.” To be fair, I don’t even know if that’s what Jeff wanted. I haven’t been fully clear on why the band broke up, and strangely, Jeff even seemed a little vague on it in this interview, citing one member’s moving to Australia as part of it. It didn’t have much to do with a lack of commercial success (Jeff claims the band wasn’t even on as much of an upswing in popularity as fans had come to believe at the time), and I doubt he would have soldiered on with his solo career the way he did if it had. In fact, I suspect his solo career is probably more well-known by now than BTMI! was even at their peak.

In the end, I’m just happy the band go to do what they wanted to for as long as they did, and that BTMI! brought so much to my life and the lives of other fans like me. I’m also incredibly grateful I got to see them at least once, on their last tour before they broke up in what turned out to be my first real punk show. It was, in some ways, kind of a fluke: I was 16 and the band had planned some tour dates in Canada, including Ottawa, which was truly shocking, considering that almost no one big (outside of the Wu-Tang Clan – look that one up, it’s a strange story) comes to Ottawa. But it was even flukier than that, because it turned out that my parents had planned a road trip to Toronto for our family over the date BTMI! was playing! Of course, I checked the tour dates and sure enough, they were coming to Toronto too, so I got the tickets for that show instead and saw them for the first and last time at the loft above Sneaky Dee’s with my sister. It was an amazing experience, and I can’t think of a better way to have been introduced to live punk. I was caught off-guard by the mosh pit, but it was a friendly one, and I ended up spending most of the show in it. The band played almost every song I could have hoped for (“25”! “I Don’t Love You Anymore”! Every great song on Vacation!) and I ended the night a sweaty, dehydrated mess. As Jeff came down from the stage into the crowd after the show, I gave him a big hug and told him how awesome I thought it was. And while I hadn’t brought a blank t-shirt for the band to spray-paint their name on (a tradition from the early days they were still doing at that time), I bought one of their special “bilingual shirts” that I assume were made specially for the Canadian leg of the tour. I still have it:

#Bomb The Music Industry!#BTMI!#Punk #Punk rock #Vacation

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crackinglamb · 4 years

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001 for dragon age?

Did you really want an essay? Cuz you’re gonna get one. I’ll stick with DA:I, since that’s the only one I’ve actually played. I have passing familiarity with the other two games, but not enough for details. And as always, it got really long while I was writing it out, so under a cut it goes.

Favorite character: Probably obvious. But it’s Solas. Love him or hate him, no one can deny that he’s a complex, intricately written character with lots of facets we have yet to see all of. Plus, he has a delicious voice and I’ll own that kink, no one can shame me.

Least Favorite character: *sigh* Vivienne. I wanted to like her, I really did. She’s a powerful, ambitious woman in her own right, a successful mage, an adept at the Game. She has strong motivations of her own, even if they’re written with a bit of a cliche. But that’s also part of her problem. She’s willfully blind to the suffering of her peers. She’s bought into the propaganda of the Circle and the Chantry. She’s like a political centrist and I find that distasteful.

5 Favorite ships (canon or non-canon): Solas/Lavellan; Dorian/Iron Bull; Varric/Hawke; Krem/Maryden; and finally a headcannon one: Solas/Ghilan’nain. There are a wealth of layers to a relationship between them, and a bucketful of explanatory suppositions for why he is the way he is now.

Character I find most attractive: Do we really need to revisit the voice kink? Are you gonna make me spell it out? *snort* Of course it’s that damned Egg. No, I don’t sound too happy about it, do I?

Character I would marry: None of them. They are, every single one of them, a hot mess disaster that I would never tie my life to, even if marriage wasn’t a convenient religious construct.

Character I would be best friends with: Varric Tethras. That dwarf is bloody loyal to a fault and he deserves nice things and people who care about him just as much as he cares about everyone else.

A random thought: How did I get here? I wasn’t supposed to be here. I just wanted to write the aforementioned happy ever after for Varric. How did this happen?

An unpopular opinion: *nervous laugh* My bestie is gonna kill me, but...Cullen isn’t as changed as people tend to think he is. The overall arc of his ‘redemption’ falls flat imo. I mean, all we really get from him is recognition that he has an addiction, has seen some shit and his attempts to deal with those. He falls under ‘forgiveness doesn’t equal another chance’. For a man who has been through as much as he has, his worldview is still pretty narrow. Having been on the receiving end of someone like that irl, it simply doesn’t appeal in my fiction.

My Canon OTP: Hah! Solas/Lavellan. And not just because I’m writing about it to the exclusion of everything else right now. I think it’s also the most in-depth view of Solas as a character. His romance gets the most information about him by sheer numbers.

My Non-canon OTP: Varric/Hawke. Hands down. You cannot tell me that a man like Varric, over protective and loyal, would not lay down his life for Hawke and tap that ass while he was at it.

Most Badass Character: Leliana. That woman is terrifying and yet all I want to do is give her a hug and a mug of hot cocoa. She has the strengths of her convictions, the agility of her mind, she will fuck you up before you know what hit you and yet...she’s vulnerable under the surface. But she doesn’t allow that vulnerability to break her. Aside from a single instance, she never even lets anyone see it. She’s remade herself over and over. She probably could use a nap and a snuggle from her nugs.

Most Epic Villain: IMHO, DA:I doesn’t have a strong villain. It has a series of boss fights. The story isn’t finished, and the game is basically a placeholder in a franchise. It’s too soon to know whether or not Solas counts (I don’t think he does, though, and if he does, I will be extremely disappointed in the writing team).

Pairing I am not a fan of: Cassandra/Varric. I’ve yet to see it portrayed with proper application of enemies to lovers. The start of their relationship is frankly abusive. She holds him prisoner and repeatedly threatens his life in close quarters and she never makes amends for it in canon. Bad tempers that lead to interpersonal violence are not cute or romantic. I love Cass, I sincerely do. But I do not ever see that ship as doing anything more than sinking to the bottom of the Waking Sea.

Character I feel the writers screwed up (in one way or another): Bianca Davri. There was so much hype. So much. And she was astoundingly underwhelming when we met her. Love is truly blind, because given the portrayal we got, I have no idea what the ever loving fuck Varric sees in her.

Favourite Friendship: Solas and Iron Bull. Now, this is assuming one saves the Chargers and Bull becomes Tal-Vashoth. They go from butting heads on every single blessed thing to playing mental chess to pass the time and prove several points to themselves and to us, the players. They learn so much from each other. I get the warm fuzzies. Runner up to this is Solas and Dorian. Two men who are frighteningly similar but can’t see it. Or won’t admit it, anyway. And again, they learn so much from each other.

Character I most identify with: Okay, it might be a cheap cop out, but the Inquisitor. I too am not getting paid enough to deal with the shit life throws at me while simultaneously being responsible for the well being of both myself and a person dependent on me. Granted, my little person isn’t all of Thedas, but I wouldn’t say that makes it any less important. And I too am canonically disabled by the end. It’s rough being a spoonie.

Character I wish I could be: Ack, I don’t think I’d want to be any of them. They all need therapy. Possible exception is Cole. I like to help, just as much as I like to be left to my own devices if no one needs me. Speaking in riddles? Unleashing a torrent of compassionate wrath and disappearing before anyone makes me bleed? Having a deeper connection to the world around me? Sure, I can get behind those. I’m a Gemini.

Thanks for the ask. You know I love it when you make me think.

#ask #fandom ask #dragon age

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mwdders · 5 years

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Rumours

Requested by anon: hello, I hope you’re still accepting requests, congrats on 500!! I have a Tom Holland request please, I know this isn’t on your prompt list but was kinda hoping you’d make an exception. So can it be where the reader and Tom are dating and everyone knows but no matter how much they make it public that they are dating whenever they’re on press tours Tom is always asked if he’s dating Zendaya, and in one interview that Tom, reader and Zendaya are doing the interviewer asks and although Tom reply’s no, they keep asking so reader snaps and gets angry putting them in their place saying everyone knows that Tom is dating you and has been for 2 years, hope that makes sense, thank you!! x

W/C: 1.5K

Warnings: swearing

Pairing: Tom Holland x reader

Enjoy x

“Hi guys! How are you all?” You walk into the room and see a big sofa, cameras and an interviewer you’ve met too many times to count.

“Hi Cheryl, it’s nice to see you again!” You hug the young girl, to which she seemed surprised, “You too, take a seat.” You turn on your heel and sit between Tom and Zendaya, shuffling a little to get comfy, as Tom places his arm around the back of the sofa, his fingers lightly brushing your shoulder.

“So, it only seems like yesterday that I was interviewing you on the press tour for Homecoming! How time flies!” You giggle and nod in agreement. “Today I’m going to just ask questions in general about the film, about rumours in the media, about everyday life really,” You all look at each other and nod simultaneously, “Let’s begin.”

She asks Tom questions about Chaos Walking and the two animated films in which he’s voicing characters and what that was like, she asks Zendaya about Euphoria and how it was filming that and getting into a character so different to anything she’s played before.

“Now Y/N,” You smile at her ready for her to ask you about all the work you’ve been doing, “What’s it like working with two of the most talented actors in the industry right now?” Your face drops and you pause, “Erm,” Tom can sense your discomfort and interjects, “Y/N is just as talented as me and Zendaya, she’s working on a lot right now,” He turns to face you, “Aren’t you darling?” You smile at him, “Yeah I am, I’m in the Disney remake of The Little Mermaid and I have my TV show on the aswell, Pretty Little Liars: The Perfectionists so I’m busy busy.”

Tom’s hand slips from your shoulder to your waist, rubbing circles on your hip in a comforting manner. “Yes of course, what was it like on PLL working with Sofia Carson? Janel Parrish? Intimidating at all?” You were confused about the direction of her questions, she’d been so complimentary to Zendaya and Tom and now it was like she didn’t care about you. “Not really, they all made me feel so welcome when we met and we became friends instantly. They’re both very successful actresses but they are just people, not intimidating at all.” You chuckle nervously, “Great,” the interviewer nods, and rolls her eyes a little, her attention moving to Tom.

“Now, they’re always a lot of rumours flying around, let’s confirm or deny them shall we?” She’s handed a different card, “Y/N, is it true, that when you went to the after party for the Grammy’s that you and Shawn Mendes danced on the tables to ABBA’s dancing queen?” You laugh, “No! That is not true.” You laugh as do Tom and Zendaya,

“Okay okay, so is it true that in school you were the nerd?” You blush, “I wouldn’t say nerd, but I did okay in school, and yes I was into geeky stuff and had different interests to everyone else but no not a nerd.” Zendaya laughs loudly at this, “You were such a nerd.” You shake your head laughing, “Sounds to me like you were a nerd.” The interviewer smirks and you just smile unconvincingly at her.

“Alright moving on,” She turns to Tom, she’s asks him a few things in which he denies everything, “Okay so this is probably the most talked about thing in the media and the rumour that has the most fire,” She pauses before her eyes flicker between all three of you, “Is it true you and Zendaya are dating Tom?” Your eyes widen and you look down at the floor, Tom tightens the grip he has on your hip, “No, we’re just really good friends.” You feel his eyes on you but you keep your gaze down, “You sure? You guys are always together and would make such a great couple.” You shift uncomfortably as she continues, “Come on, surely there has to be some sort of chemistry there? You spend so much time together on set and with the chemistry your characters have on screen surely that sparked something?” Tom coughs nervously, “Not at all, it created a really good friendship that I’m happy to have but nothing romantic.” She furrows her eyebrows, “I think you’re lying to me! How could you Tom?” She jokes but nobody laughs, “I saw how uncomfortable you both got when I asked, that wouldn’t happen if there wasn’t something there. You can tell me!” You grit your teeth, biting your tongue in an attempt to not say anything. “Honestly, we’re just friends, always have been. There’s never been anything romantic.” Zendaya says her tone of voice flat, clearly annoyed too.

“I still don’t believe it. Your co stars all say how cute you guys are so there has to-“ You cut her off, “Can you just stop? They both told you it’s not true and everyone always asks this and it’s disrespectful because me and Tom are very public about our relationship and the fact that I’m his girlfriend and interviewers still do this, and I’m sat right here and you’re still harassing him! You know we’re dating, we confirmed our relationship 2 years ago on your show! I hate that you don’t have the decency to show me respect.” You practically yell at her causing Zendaya and Tom to stare at you in shock. “Oh I’m-“ you scoff, “You’re what? Sorry? Don’t make me laugh,” you stand up and take your mic off, dropping it on the sofa. “I’m done with this.” You walk out of the room, stepping over extension wires as you go.

You open the door, walking down the corridor to your dressing room, “Y/N! What the hell are you doing?” Your manager shouts at you. “Go back in there.” You shake your head,

“Why should I? She was rude.” She flares her nostrils in anger, “I don’t care! It took a lot of organising to get her company to be on this press tour so go back in there and finish that damn interview.” You cross your arms over your chest, “No way! She completely overlooked me and praised Tom and Zendaya to the high heavens so I’m pretty sure they can finish it by themselves!” She glares at you, “Don’t be so stupid Y/N! You’re overthinking things. Please finish the interview.”

Before you say anything the door opens and Tom and Zendaya walk out, you turn to face them, “The interviewer doesn’t want to carry on. I think she feels bad,” You keep your face blank, “So she should.” Your manager scoffs, “This is pathetic Y/N, so what she asked you a couple of odd questions, you should be glad it’s not the same stuff again and again.” You roll your eyes, “Odd questions? Ruby they were shit questions, they undermined me and made me look like nobody compared to Tom and Z.” She sighs, “Fine, I’ll go and talk to her.” You nod, “So you should.”

“I didn’t know that you were so bothered by that.” You turn to face Tom, “What? My boyfriend constantly being asked if he’s dating someone else? Of course it bothers me.” He sighs, “It annoys me too but by now I let it go over my head. Everyone knows we’re together and there is only the odd interviewer that still asks.” You purse your lips, the anger still bubbling inside you. “Yeah I know. It just annoys me because we have no privacy in our relationship for this reason, to stop rumours and stop interviewers and fans asking about you and Zendaya but people still ask and sometimes I wish we could get our privacy back again because being overly public with our relationship doesn’t make a difference.”

“I know,” he sighs and pulls you into him, hugging you as you place your head on his chest. “I think about that all the time.” He kisses your head and you sigh, “I just wish interviewers would ask about us every now and then, not just you and Daya.”

You stand there in silence for a few minutes, “I love you, you know that right?” He mumbles in your ear, you push away from his chest and look him in the eyes, “Of course I do.” You run your fingers through his hair causing a small smile to appear on his lips, “I love you too.”

— —

tomholland2013

tomholland2013: This is my girlfriend @ynln we’ve been together for 2 years now and we need the media to respect that, we are very public about our relationship for the sake of rumours, because I get asked about dating @zendaya so many times in interviews and it’s disrespectful, me and Zendaya are friends and nothing more. She is one of y/n’s best friends and she hates it just as much as we do. So please be respectful of my relationship because if I’m asked again about dating anyone other than y/n I’ll stop doing press altogether. Thank you to the fans who are respectful and appreciate my relationship with y/n, you’re the best. I love you.

ynln: this is cute, I love you, thank you for this

tomholland2013: of course, I love you too

zendaya: say it louder for the people in the back

ynln

ynln: my favourite boy and favourite girl, I love you

tomholland2013: okay but this photo

tomholland2013: shit I love you too btw

tomholland2013: but tessa

zendaya: oh my god shut up @tomholland2013

—

This is shoddy but cute, I think

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