thinking about him ( anarky )

˖˚˳⊹"i really do love you.. im sorry"˖˚˳⊹

-warnings: Angst, depress!on, su!c!dal thoughts, detachment, scars, body dysmorphia, disassociation, not proofread, chubby reader. -chars mentioned: Scaramouche -wc: 0.6k -a/n: i dont even know what to say.. Um this is .. something.. enjoy?

masterlist

as someone who felt every emotion more intense than others, it also meant feeling more sad. it should've been fine but you simply couldn't feel happy.. you have friends and family but still felt so lonely..

“helloooo” scaramouche waved his hand infront of your face to get your attention.

Suddenly looking up, you see him frowning at you. “what’re you thinking so hard about.. do you not wanna watch the movie?”

“sorry.. i just spaced out” you said embarrassed.. “just continue the movie, ill pay attention this time”.. Scara simply muttered a small ‘fine’ and resumed it.

Scaramouche is your best friend, the one you share everything with. But.. he could never understand the depth of your emotions.. The void you feel inside.. The aching loneliness that consumes you at every moment.

“Yes lets go to the beach!! itll be perf....”

“ooh i just bought a new bikini…..”

“wont it be too sunny? ill get tanne….”

you drowned out their conversation and thought of excuses to skip… you had no other choice.. a bikini wouldn't cover your scars, stretch marks or tummy fat.. it would be on display for everyone to see your insecurities and then they'd hate you.

“guys im sorry but i have to study this weekend.. exams are close”

“again? but didnt you say the same last week…”

“oh come on! itll be so fun…”

“ugh she does the same everytime…”

Ofcourse they wouldn't understand.. They had the perfect body..

The words were blurred as you tried to read them.. Nothing made sense to you anymore.. Your exams were near and you have to study but the words together don't make sense anymore..

Sighing, you went to splash some water on your face to wake yourself up. Looking up into the mirror, you saw failure.. Someone who cant study.. Someone who wouldnt be able to make a living..

You sat back down at your desk.. You can study and change your future right? its just a book..

But.. you cant make yourself read the words anymore.. you felt so tired..

Why cant you also be like others?.. Everyone else is so successful and perfect.. They have good grades, perfect body and happy lives..

You sat on the edge of the roof.. This used to be your hang out spot with Scara but eventually you both stopped meeting there.

“where the fuc- YOURE HERE?” Scara dramatically sighed, huffing. “Ive been searching all over for you. Come on, ive made dinner.. you have to eat something”

You chucked softly at his caring nature and nodded silently.. “Scara?” he was about to leave but turned back to look at you “yeah?”

“I love you”

He chuckled in confusion “yeah yeah i get it, i love you too. no need to get all sentimental with me, its just dinner.”

You turned back to the sky once he left. He probably went to your kitchen to fill a plate for you..

You smiled at the thought. He was the best person you could've asked for..

And it hurts. He cared for you so much but you couldn't appreciate it..

Leaving never had to be this painful.. But a tear fell down and you closed your eyes, recounting your memories..

There were so many happy moments you never got to enjoy.. Sad moments you stayed numb.. And the huge gap in your memory.. and nobody knew how you felt because you never let them.

‘Im so tired… Im so tired..” You looked at your feet, dangling off the roof.. ‘i hate this .. i dont wanna do this.. but theres nothing else to be done’

You took a deep breath in.. “i really do love you.. im sorry”...

…..

tags: @rubywonu @stygianoir @unsavoy-melon @kashiiwi @babbledabble25

stay - chris sturniolo

summary - based on the prompt "stay with me tonight, please." where chris comforts y/n after she gets hate

warnings - hate comments, lil angsty

a/n - this one is kinda short but i like it so hopefully you guys do too

why is y/n here again?

i get the feeling y/n is using the triplets for clout

i thought we made it clear nobody likes y/n

lmao y/n really thinks she has a chance with chris who's gonna tell her

The comments came flooding in on the new car video the triplets posted, where I joined them as a special guest. It wasn't the first time I had gotten hate for being friends with them, but usually I was able to ignore it as there wasn't very much of it. But this time, I couldn't just ignore it when the majority of the comments were mean ones about me. Overwhelmed with sadness and anxiety, I stood up from the couch as I announced that I was going to head back to my place.

"Are you sure? Is everything okay?" Nick asked me.

"Yeah, I just don't feel good all of a sudden." I replied.

Nick and Chris shared a glance before looking back at me.

"I can get Matt to drive you home if you want?" Chris asked me.

"No, no, don't worry about it. I'll text you guys later, okay?"

I made my way out the door and into my car. I waited until I had pulled out of the driveway, but then the tears started rolling down my cheeks. Am I really that bad? I thought. It was only about a five minute drive back to my apartment thankfully. Ignoring the smeared makeup I could see in the mirror, I went straight to my bedroom and laid down, staring at the ceiling. I tried not to, but I picked up my phone and started reading more of the hateful comments directed at me. My promise to text the boys when I had gotten home was long forgotten as the sadness took hold of me, and I fell asleep, tired from crying.

Chris's POV

I thought it was strange how y/n suddenly decided to leave. It was very unlike her, and she didn't even give a good reason, simply saying she didn't feel good. I tried not to worry about her too much, but as time went on I just couldn't shake the feeling.

Our new video had been up for a while now, so Matt, Nick and I decided to check YouTube to see how it was doing and if people liked it. Right off the bat, we could see that it already had more views than we normally get, which at first glance seemed like a good thing. I watched as Nick's eyes widened at the computer screen, mouth hanging open. I grabbed the laptop to see for myself what made him so shocked. Scrolling through the comments, almost every one was about y/n. My expression quickly changed to match Nick's as I read through them.

"Dude, do you see these? They're all about y/n, and they're terrible!" I said, showing Matt the screen.

it's so obvious that she likes chris. im embarrassed for her

do people actually like y/n?

why would they hang out with a girl like y/n? shes not even that pretty

My heart dropped as I finally realized why y/n "wasn't feeling good".

"Matt, you have to drive me to y/n's place, right now." I said urgently.

Matt seemed to understand instantly. "Okay, I'll go start the car."

When we got to her apartment, I told Matt he could go back home and I would call him if I needed a ride. I grabbed the spare key from my pocket as I unlocked her door. There was no sign of y/n in the kitchen or living room, so I made my way to her bedroom. I softly knocked on the door, but there was no answer, so I slowly opened it. My heart broke when I saw her curled up on top of her covers, dried mascara on her white pillows. Without even thinking, I moved to her bed, and gently laid down next to her, pulling her into my chest.

Y/n's POV

I felt someone wrap their arms around me, and for a moment it startled me as I opened my eyes, but when I realized who it was, I snuggled deeper into his chest as I began crying again.

"Shh, it's okay. I got you." he said gently.

We just laid like that, with my head in his chest until finally he spoke again.

"I'm so sorry I didn't realize sooner."

"Am I really that bad, Chris?" I asked, sniffling.

"Absolutely not, y/n. Those people are just morons who aren't happy with themselves so they like to pick on other people. I know they upset you, but that's exactly what they wanted to happen. You can't give them what they want."

I let his words sink in for a moment. "So you read the comments?"

"Yeah, and they're wrong by the way, about everything." he said, looking into my eyes.

I realized what he was saying, but I was too tired to bring it up right now.

"Stay with me tonight, please?" I asked him.

"Of course. Let's get you under the blankets though, it's getting cold."

I giggled as he lifted me up to pull the blankets out from under me. I rolled over, and he pulled my back into his chest, as we matched each other's breathing. I sighed contently as he gently played with my hair sending tingles down my spine.

Just as I was falling asleep, I felt his breath as he whispered against my neck.

"I love you, y/n"

hi! your blog's been encouraging to me as a trans guy, but i've recently felt that i should no longer call myself that/should just "go back to" being a girl, and idk if my train of thought makes any sense...so i just wanted to ask someone w more experience (but feel free to ignore this rant/call me out if im not making sense btw)

so yeah, my cousin's been out to me as a (binary) trans man for a few years now, and in trying to find understanding, i came out to him a few months later, but got a very flat/kinda disgusted reaction. despite my consistent support for him over the years, he has continued to "joke" about my looks/short hair and dismisses any attempts at serious conversations or even just jokes about gender/being a guy too. he also calls me things ive told him makes me uncomfortable (gender-wise) and then acts like it means nothing. he generally brushes me off by telling me to stop trying to compare myself to him, and is either prickly about it or just in-your-face "idgaf what you're talking about and i'm tired of you." it barely hurts me anymore, but ive felt connected to trans-ness for so many years (longer than id even known he was too) and his reaction to this part of me has honestly made me wonder if i'm just making it up/am trying too hard or something,,,like maybe i'm just trying to cover for being a gross 20-somethings woman ?? idk ?

i'm probably just being over-sensitive, and i dont feel it's outright malicious or anything (maybe he just doesn't think/care about it as much as me?), but i have nobody else to ask (no irl friends/people im out to) and i'm currently renting/living with him, which has brought these worries to the forefront. thanks if youve read this far, but please don't feel pressured to respond!

Your cousin sounds like he has a lot of internalized transphobia he's directing at you. Unfortunately there are trans people who try to prop themselves up and make themselves feel more confident in their transness by tearing down others. You are not being over-sensitive, and regardless of what he thinks he's doing, he's actively being cruel to you. You are well within your rights to be hurt by his actions. Living with someone who is constantly being transphobic to you is traumatizing- detransitioning can be a coping method for those who have to constantly defend themselves from transphobic abuse.

If its possible, I would recommend trying to see if there are any queer orgs in your area you could connect with (physically or online). At the least, you may find some people who can give you emotional support, and they also may be able to find you a better living situation. Even if that's not possible right now, keep reminding yourself that his behavior is cruel and you are allowed to be upset about it. You do not need to take any of his opinions on your gender seriously. You are not making up your transness or trying too hard. You are not over-sensitive, you are being hurt.

Hello Author!! I've read a lot of your fics and I love your work!! Even though I would like the roles to be reversed from time to time, it's always up to Weems to take care of others a little bit.Return of the elevator (return the device if the English do not have the same expression as the French, or perhaps the translation will be understandable 😅) I think it would be a nice idea To work, But that's not the reason for my presence here, I read in one of your fictions, I no longer have the title in mind but it's when the reader is tired and weems takes care of him, you mentioned From a difficult student for whom the baby monitor is useful, I have a question, what is the use of the baby monitor? Is it like a camera with microphone to see and speak with the student if she Is busy elsewhere? I really can't imagine what use this is for him but hey my request is a story about why wednesday ended up sleeping at weems and how the baby monitor Has been used ? I'm really very, very curious about this situation, thank you for reading, have a good day, author!

The Baby Monitor

Pairings: Ms Thornhill x Weems x Wednesday (platonic)

Word count: 1.9K

Summary: Wednesday has been too busy to listen to what she needs. Sooner or later, she is forced to listen.

TW: passing out, not eating, not sleeping, illness

A/n another Wednesday fic!

“Wednesday come on, you have to eat. I know this investigation means a lot to you, but you need to take care of yourself, or you’ll be useless.” Enid begged.

“Im so close. I can feel it. Enid, go to lunch I will join you soon.”

“This is the third day you haven’t shown up to meals wends you can’t keep doing this.” Enid frowned before huffing and storming out of the dorm.

Enid was at the end of her patience. Wednesday had been working non-stop for days. She hadn’t been eating properly or sleeping, but because her grades stayed the same nobody else really seemed to notice too much. Enid was considering going to weems about the issue. If there was one person who could tame the addams it was her. Since all of the drama last semester Wednesday had been slightly more accommodating to the British principle. But that wasn’t to say she would listen to her without a fight.

Lunch came and went with no sign of Wednesday at all. They both had botany after lunch and despite all the fuss Wednesday was yet to skip any of her classes. She probably knew it would warrant a trip to weems. After all the issues with Ms Thornhill were cleared up, she was back to her old self, the bubbly easygoing botanist and dorm mum they all knew and loved.

Enid sighed in defeat and gathered her things. She disposed of her lunch scraps and tray and shouldered her bag, heading off in the direction of the conservatory.

Taking her seat, she watched Wednesday enter. She seemed slightly off kilter. Mildly sluggish and more pale than normal. She was squinting as if the light hurt her eyes and yet she almost seemed as if she was sick and downplaying it. Enid wouldn’t be surprised with how little sleep she had been having. Even an addams body was more susceptible to illness when run down. Wednesday flopped down in her seat without her usual poise or grace. Enid raised a brow, she looked much worse than she had in the dorm. The trip to class seemed to have sucked the life out of her.

Slouching in her seat she rested her head on her folded arms on the desk. Before she knew it enid realised Wednesday’s breathing had evened out slightly. But her sleep was short lived. Ms Thornhill called on the raven to come solve some questions on the board.

Wednesday lifted her head wearily and glared.

“Now Miss Addams.” Thornhill said tapping her foot impatiently. Wednesday gave a tired sigh and stood, swaying. After slowly making her way to the front one step at a time, she swayed badly. Ms Thornhill came to her side. Putting a hand on her shoulder.

“Wednesday? Wednesday, what’s wrong honey?” She asked but the words were garbled to the young Addams. Her eyes rolled back in her head and her body dropped like a stone. Ms Thornhill was quick to catch her in her arms. Slowly she sank to the floor, lowering herself and her student to lean against the wall. She sat against the front of the room with Wednesday tightly in her hold and mostly draped across her lap, unconscious.

“Enid.” Ms Thornhill said in an urgent voice. “Get Ms Weems in here this instant. The rest of you wait outside. Now!” She said as she kept her tight hold on the addams. She looked so peaceful yet so tired even while she was unconscious.

The class scrambled to carry out the instructions. Ms Thornhill knew the nurses were away for a conference, Ms Weems had sent a staff wide email that morning about it. She had said if any issues arose to contact her directly. This defiantly counted as an issue.

Ms Thornhill sat and waited. Wednesday’s head was in her lap as she traced her fingers over her pale face to remove the small hairs from her face.

After a few peaceful moments of quiet the door opened.

“Marilyn?” Came the accented voice of the principle.

“Im here. Shes still out cold.” The botanist responded.

A moment lapsed before Ms Weems face appeared over the desk and she came around to join her staff member on the floor.

She laid a gentle hand on Wednesdays forehead. “She seems a bit warm. Do you know if she felt ill at all?” The principle asked with concern.

“Not that i know of but she seemed exhausted.”

A tentative knock sounded on the door and both teachers turned to see enid standing there awkwardly.

“Ms sinclair? Do you have something to say?” Ms weems asked with a raised brow.

“She hasn’t been sleeping. Shes been too busy with her investigations and i don’t think shes eaten either. It’s been about four days and she’s not taking care of herself. I’ve been trying to get her to listen and i was going to come to you this afternoon, honest. I didn’t know it was this bad or i would have done more sooner.” Enid said talking a mile a minute and wringing her hands.

Weems brow softened. “Thank you, Enid. We’ll take it from here. You’ve been more helpful than you realise. You're a good friend.”

Enid nodded and left again.

“Well, she doesn’t look like she’s waking up anytime soon and it seems she’ll be in need of close care for a while. I’ll take her to my quarters for her recovery. She would simply escape if she was left in the infirmary. I won't be surprised if her fever is the beginnings of an illness from a weakened immune system. Most likely from lack of sleep. I’ll take her off your hands Marilyn.” Ms Weems said and smiled.

“I’ll drop by after class.” She said and gently slipped her arms under the addams girl and passed her limp from to Weems.

Weems stood up straight and propped Wednesday’s form up so her head rested in the crook of the headmistresses' elbow, with her other arm supporting her legs.

The principle expressed her thanks and swiftly and fluidly swept from the room, ignoring the looks from her students as she walked to her office with the addams unconscious in her arms, looking pale and sickly.

After making it into the haven of her office she gently set Wednesday down on the couch so she could set up the spare bed for her before she woke up.

Rooting around in one of the spare drawers she found what she was looking for. A small plastic white device that had been left in storage by the previous Principle. A baby monitor. No way was she leaving the addams without being able to monitor her closely. She set the device down on her desk near Wednesday, she took its counterpart with her to set up the room.

After she had finished wrestling with the fitted sheet, she threw on the final covers. Just as she begun tucking in the top sheet, she heard rustling on the monitor. Swearing softly, she hurried from the room back to her office.

As she arrived, she saw Wednesday stand up, bracing herself on the back of the couch to stay upright as she tried to escape. Weems crossed her arms.

“Miss addams! Where do you think you’re going?!” She said and her resolve softened as she noticed the glassy look in her students' eyes. In hurried steps she came over to the young troublemaker who looked at her blankly.

She placed a tender hand to her forehead before moving to her cheek.

“Your fever has risen.” She said, smoothing down her dress. “No matter, we will deal with it. Come now.” She said and grabbed the monitor before guiding Wednesday by the elbow to the room. The raven walked on wobbly legs and uneven steps from a few paced before weems simply scooped her into her strong arms.

“Ms weems!” Wednesday mumbled in protest, her eyes drifting closed as she leant into the headmistress who hummed in a mild concern.

“Come now Wednesday, you can barely stand. To bed with you. I’ll have the cook bring some light food and we’ll get some medicine into you. And in future don’t be so difficult. If you need help with anything, simply ask my darling. We don’t need this to happen again you stubborn girl.” She scolded laying Wednesday down in the bed before tucking her in. Wednesday simply hummed weakly in response making Weems frown.

“Rest now darling. I’ll contact the chef.” She said and set down the monitor on the bedside. Wednesday opened an eye to glare at it.

“I don’t need that.” She said closing her eyes again.

“Wednesday addams, you will remain here until i see fit. Whilst you remain in my care you will keep that monitor on and in the room. Break it and spend a week in detention for destruction of school property.” She lectured before softening slightly. “Im here to help you, don’t be so stubborn. If you would rather have your mother look after you that can be arranged. And I’m sure she will be far more doting than i.” She said and smiled down at Wednesday, who grunted and rolled over.

“No.” She huffed.

“Goodnight darling I’ll be back soon. Rest up.” She said and left.

After contacting the cook the make Wednesday a light chicken noodle soup she grabbed her laptop and came to sit by Wednesday's bedside while she worked.

After a while she heard a knock and went to get the food from the cook. Gently she woke up Wednesday who pouted which was borderline cute with her pink flushed cheeks and nose. Weems frowned at the glassy look in her eyes and lifted a glass to her lips.

“Drink.” She instructed and Wednesday glared before greedily gulping down the water.

“Not so fast darling, leave some to take your medicine.” Weems said and handed Wednesday two small white tablets. Wednesday glared at them but took them before weems lifted the spoon to her lips. Wednesday drew the line there, taking the spoon from weems. But her hands shook, and no soup stayed on the spoon. Weems gently took the spoon back and Wednesday relented.

“Let me darling.” She said and Wednesday allowed the headmistress to spoon feed her the broth like a child. After she had eaten Weems insisted, she rests some more as she settled the Addams back into the nest she had established. As she rested once more Weems gently typed out some important emails on her computer, still sat on the bed with her legs up and lent against the headboard. She had promised Mortica she would look after the young addams and that was exactly what she planned to do. She was learning a fair bit about Wednesday. For example, she was quiet the cuddler in her sleep Weems realised as her leg was trapped by Wednesday who had curled into her side and wrapped her pale arms around Weems thigh. Weems smiled down at the sleeping girl and drew slow circles on her back as she slept.

Weems may not have ever had children, but she loved Wednesday like her own even if she wasn’t able to show it often, she cared for her. And she would make sure Wednesday was well enough soon to receive the lecture of her life.

beetlejuice (2)

please read part one before reading this or it will be confusing!

-

now that you’ve found out what jack’s been doing while he was away, you didn’t know what to do with yourself now.

every moment that was spent with him, you wondered if the girl was behind the scenes this entire time.

you still couldn’t believe that he had lied to you your entire relationship, he even told you that he loved you and you said it back.

just for a day you wished you had someone’s shoulder to cry on, your best friend was the first person that you always ran to whenever you had a problem but this time, she was away on a trip overseas for a while and communication was the best in her area.

jack knew what he had done, he had made you look like a fool.

he told you all these false promises and all these lies.

what a fool you were to believe them in the first place.

something deep down in your heart kept telling you that everything was going to well and soon everything would come crashing down and erupt into flames, and how badly you wanted to be wrong about that.

the only thing that was able to relieve your broken heart was to cry.

you sat in your bed for what felt like says on end, crying over someone who wasted all your time in the long run when he knew himself that he didn’t want a relationship with you.

never did you believe that heartbreak was supposed to be this painful and whenever you heard your friends tell you about it, you didn’t believe them for a second because you never understood or knew what it felt like.

the first person to call you after the news broke was neelam.

“hello? y/n?”

“yes?”

“i’m so sorry, i should’ve told you sooner ..”

“you .. knew? this entire … time?”

“well ..”

“neelam, you knew all this time and you allowed it to happen? how could you do this to me?!”

you immediately hung up and threw your phone across the room, not caring whether it broke or where it landed.

now, if your emotions weren’t through the roof in the moment, you wouldn’t have made the executive decision to launch your phone across the room, but everything in this exact moment was justified.

the one person you thought you could trust betrayed you and nobody was providing you with answers.

the only thing that you wanted to do was to be hugged and told that everything was going to be okay.

that’s what jack did when he saw that you weren’t feeling the best, but now he wasn’t here to comfort you.

the next few days went by and you began feeling like yourself again.

you went out and bought yourself a new phone, you rearranged your apartment so it could feel like home again.

you’d been cleaning up when you heard a knock at your door. quickly, but hesitantly made your way to unlock and open it, to your surprise, it was your best friend.

you both squealed in excitement and immediately hug each other.

“you don’t understand how much i’ve missed you.” you told her as you were smiling from ear to ear.

you both pulled away from the hug as you let y/bf/n in.

“just so you know, i’ve been caught up on everything and jack deserves to get his ass beat.” she said nonchalantly.

“well i’m glad i can spare you the details, im tired of telling people the same thing.” you said as you flopped down on the couch.

“i say you put his ass on blast.” y/bf/n said. you quickly looked over at her with squinted eyes, “i like the way you think.” you smiled at her as you got up and grabbed your phone and set it up in the kitchen.

you sat in a seat as you started the live, “so as most of you know, recently, it was revealed by HIMSELF that my ex boyfriend, mr jackman thomas harlow, and yes i said his full name, decided that he would publicly cheat on me. but before all this happened, he was just laid up under me telling me how he wanted to put kids inside of me and how ‘i was the only girl that ever mattered to him’.”

you watched as the viewer count skyrocketed from just 100 to 15,000 people.

DOJACAT: LMFAOOOOO

LILNASX: not the “he wanna put his kids in you” oh my godddd

DRUSKI2FUNNY: 😯😯😯

URBANWYATT: he ain’t tell me all this .. in y/n we trust!

you then clasped your hands together before laughing, “and this is the best part is, he wanted me to sign an nda so he could sneak around and do shit like this!”

THEESTALLION: 😦😦😦

THESHADEROOM: 👀👀👀

USER2919: HAVE YOU SEEN THE NEW GIRL?

“i havw seen the new girl and she looks like a fucking troll, but i mean if that’s what he wants then so be it.”

you heard your best friend laugh in the background and you followed with laughing as well. you stayed live for the next half hour talking about nonsense.

“alright y’all, imma get off of here before i start going into further detail.” you waved bye to the camera while laughing to yourself.

you knew what was going to happen, jack didn’t care about your feelings when he posted that picture, he didn’t care about what the outcome of this would be, so why would you?

this was your get back at him hurt the way he hurt you. lying down, you were on the verge of sleep when your phone began to ring.

-

a/n: last part to this will be posted later on today!

I have SO much to say about Jaiden's decision but I 100% agree with her and whatever the Cucuruchos are doing

I dont care, specially i dont care what Cellbit says about them

Because that has been the whole mindset of the islanders so far and it only have caused more problems than fixes

Because we have the best example of what happens when you don't agree with Cellbit's ideas

Foolish

Foolish since the very beggining was pro-Federation. He wanted to play around, because he is an inmortal god that has lived many lives and has seen everything. The Feds gave him a family and love he always wanted. But he was always VERY honest about his feelings, he always says how he liked the Federation and how he wanted to be Cucurucho's friend (mostly because he wanted a cloud and a gun).

And what did they do to him?

Beat him up

Treat him like a fool, like the dumb guy, the poor "omg he is so stupid we should help him see the truth with torture". He was left behind in The Nether, only to be attacked by everyone else when he managed to come back thanks to Philza

And everyone, including Cellbit, went to kick him in the balls. The only one who stopped them, was Roier. Roier who is Cellbit's husband but mostly, Foolish's adopted son.

Foolish is technically Cellbit's family and what did he do? He so supposedly care to the ones he is family with? He decided his believes were more important and added into the bullying

So now, look at Jaiden

Jaiden who is practically alone. Jaiden whose only friends are Roier and Foolish and we know how much Cellbit doesn't care if they care about someone else, if that person betrays him, he wont take a double look to see if there's something else going with with that someone.

Jaiden, who was spyed and mistrusted because of how much she loved Cucurucho, because she managed to see they were individuals apart from The Federation, like Walter Bob was. Fucked up individuals, but their own people in the end

I understand her lying. I understand wanting to hide into Cucurucho's side because nobody else is doing it. Because she was honest all the time and the only ones who appreciated that honesty, apart for Foolish, were the Cucuruchos

Cellbit has trauma, im not denying that. Cucurucho has fucked him up, but Jaiden has trauma too and she tried to be honest with everyone about it, only for the rest to laugh in her face

So now she is becoming like Cellbit. She is going to mistrust everyone. If all the fucking island only cares about what Cellbit needs to tell about The Feds, because he is sooooo reliable, he is the smart one, he is the only solving the riddles, he is the hero! Then she is going to do the opposite and switch sides completly to defend the ones she loves. And right now, she loves the Cucuruchos. Always have loved them since her past life.

And fuck everyone, but specially Cellbit (said by her character, mind you), if he thinks otherwise.

She is tired of being in the shadow of someone else biased opinion

And if she is wrong? Then so be it, everyone always believed she was wrong in the first place.

She, has nothing to lose anymore

Twisted wonderland as lana del rey songs

Riddle ( Wildflower Wildfire)

im sorry but THIS SONG ITS SO HIM honestly is most because him relatioship with his mother

the part where lana sang about her mother in the hospital. SO HIM

either, all the stuff about flowers warm and things like that remind of him!!

Here's the deal My father never stepped in when his wife would rage at me So I ended up awkward, but sweet Later then, hospitals, stand still on my feet Comfortably numb, but with lithium came poetry

Trey (Chemtrails over the country club)

So, trey and cottc, the same vibe.

yknow, all the peace and normal life stuff in the lyrics reminds me trey plot

im truly can see trey playing this song with his wife in a beutiful afternoon.

Washing my hair, doing my laundry Late night TV, I want you only Like when we were kids Under chemtrails in country clubs It's never too late, baby So don't give up

Cater (beautiful people, beutiful problems)

I gonna be honest, lust for life its so cater vibes!!

i confess that was hard to think in a song who matche cater plot, cause i wanna something kinda pop bu it still about him second face

The i just came bpbp.

We get so tired and we complain 'Bout how it's hard to live It's more than just a video game

Ace (Diet mountain dew)

Ace has to be born to die and i fight with u if you disagree.

BABY YOU NOT GOOD FOR ME

to be honestly this song is how i feel about ace

Diet Mountain Dew, baby, New York City Never was there ever a girl so pretty Do you think we'll be in love forever? Do you think we'll be in love?

Deuce (How to disappear)

WAIT I CAN EXPLAIN

well, in the lyrics lana sang abou that guy who lost in himself and fight every night

and we know that deuce is a ex deliquent

and idk, this song is sweet like deuce mas match with him a lot

just read the lyric and you will understand

Joe met me down at the training yard Got cuts on his face 'cause he fought too hard I know he's in over his head But I love that man like nobody can He moves mountains and pounds them to ground again I watched the guys getting high as they fight For the things that they hold dear To forget the things they fear

Leona (Norman fucking rockwell)

OMG FINALLY

guys, nfr its SO LEONA

the part where "goddam man child' yknow? period.

You guys can say "but leona is more ultraviolence" MY ASS

nfr king i said so its true.

Goddamn, man-child You fucked me so good that I almost said: I love you You're fun, and you're wild But you don't know the half of the shit that you put me through Your poetry's bad, and you blame the news But I can't change that, and I can't change your mood Ah-ah

Ruggie (god know i tried)

Now we have a honeymoon dude!!!

nothing to say, the song say itself

i even need to explain?

Sometimes, I wake up in the morning To red, blue and yellow lights On Monday, they destroyed me But by Friday, I'm revived

Jack (wild ate heart)

Jack my baby.

this song. jack. the same.

its just what how a imagine jack

I left Calabasas, escaped all the ashes Ran into the dark And it made me wild, wild, wild at heart The cameras have flashes, they cause the car crashes But I'm not a star

Azul (money power glory)

I kinda always think in azul when mpg starts to play.

could be million dollar man tho but mpg is better

the chore is him.

I want money, power and glory I want money, and all your power, all your glory Alleluia! I wanna take you for all that you got Alleluia! I'm gonna take them for all that they got

Jade (old money)

omg my ultraviolence guy is here!!!

he SO lana del rey vinyl

old money makes my cry everytime

My father's love was always strong My mother's glamour lives on and on Yet still inside, I felt alone For reasons unknown to me

flyod (doin time)

I LOVE HOW FLOYD HAS THE SAME VIBE WITH THE DOIN TIM GURL

fuck even THE SAME MBTI

yeah he´s a bitch and we love it!!

Evil, I've come to tell you that she's evil, most definitely Evil, ornery, scandalous and evil, most definitely The tension, it's getting hotter I'd like to hold her head underwater (Summertime) (Ah, ah, ah)

so, english its not my first language so you probably will found mistakes. maybe i do a second part

I think Shadowsight’s story was more of a tragedy with him living because he never got actual closure for the shit he went thru. A half-assed “apology” from pretty much the whole damn forest except for his parents who wanted him punished for being manipulated and abused and some (Lionblaze) even wanting him dead iirc?? And he just? Clocked in to work the next day like nothing happened and kept being a medicine cat? He got the bad ending actually imo. I don’t like Shadowsight bc I’m tired of “the most specialist uwu sad softboi #8763” being churned out in the series but at least he’s compelling unlike Alderheart, Rootspring and Nightheart and his story is one most people wanted to see end well after all the horrific abuse he faced. But it didn’t? It felt… empty and mean spirited? Which isn’t new for the Erins but usually they do it to women so nobody gaf. Idk I just felt like especially the other medicine cats should have done more to atone for their cruelty. They’re all comrades under the same oath yet they were so fucking awful and treated him at best like a useless nuisance and at worst an enemy. Shadowsight literally ate deathberries out of desperation for an answer that would appease everyone and it’s so obviously a suicide attempt but brushed out to fit the narrative. He deserved better and it was genuinely disappointing that nothing else was done. “Oh Shadowsight, you ARE useful!! Yes you’re allowed to sit with us again. Huh? Apologize? For what” <- Mothwing probably

I feel like him going onto become a bg character with no baring on the main plot and his only acknowledgements are characters going "there's that dumbass who released cat satan" is just. not the plot I think people would have wanted from the guy who played TBC's punching bag for six books straight lol side note....i miss when side characters/bg characters got to have stories and tidbits. Mousewhisker having a crush on Minnowpaw...Spiderleg and Daisy's whole thing....we used to have interesting casts :(

I quite like Shadowsight, I think he stands out from the other examples by actually being strange and offputting. He does weird things and characters comment on his appearance and intimidating looks, makes me actually understand and empathize with his "outsider" status, ya know? Also thanks to osmosis from my mutuals he's a girl to me so there's that lol I think him being so put down by others (facing actual adversity) makes him interesting and my irritation with that comes from the story trying to "both sides" it rather than acknowledge the wider array of issues at hand. I don't think an apology is necessarily needed, I just kind of like narrative acknowledgement. But I'd need to reread TBC for a more succinct argument (i wanna reread tbc anyways, i just need time lol maybe when im bored on campus i'll do it)

I wouldn't call the deathberry thing a suicide attempt, though you could arguably make the interpretation that it is a cry for help in some regards; I think that just wasn't the authorial intent. I do agree he deserved better, it's a bit disappointing how we haven't gotten to see him more :( where is my Shadow and Frost bonding moments :(

its very stressful and painful and honest to god heartbreaking when my mom tells me to avoid stepping in when my dad is being abusive bc she's worried he'll get worse towards her if i do . shit got rlly ugly tonight. im very very tired of having to just watch & hear this shit happen. im very tired of having to pretend it doesnt effect me. im tired of being made to stay out of the way im tired of being told to be nice to that man im really so tired. my whole life basically in this house ive had to live like 😐. i dont think either of them really realise how deeply this shit has broken me apart over and over again thru my life. ive been having to be the Neutral Mediator since my childhood with this. its very distressing for a child to have to tell their own mother that this shouldnt be happening. that its not normal.

i dont think any of them understand how often i/my alters think about Ending It For Good. why woildnt i? do you think the way ive grown up makes a person feel like they even have a future at all? especially when as a kid i was afraid he was gonna try that first and kill us both. i have a deep internal thought that i need to do it before he does ir first

my mom is still talking like shes on voard with having him move out of here soon but like. when is soon. soon is coming, right???

i csnt let that not happjen

i will lose it if that plan falls through

i dont rlly have any drugs or anyrhing to ease myself

i dont know what to do

shpuld i just run away?

i dont have anywhere to go. i have no friends no job nothing like that but this is just so painful to deal with. and. honestly. i cant leave her alone with him. i cant. i know my existence and presence does little to acrually help keep things from going worse; but i feel that if i wasnt here, it would get way way worse

my mom has so many breakdowns abt how nobody wnats to save her or help her

i do

i do

but she doesnt want to LET me. i dont know what she wants. i dont know what im supposed to do anymore. ive given all my advice. i tey to listen to her ans let her vent but its not enough i guess

@queerbashir I promised to elaborate on my thoughts about Trapper and Frank in O.R. so let's hope it doesn't get eaten this time!

I left tags on this excellent and funny meme saying:

#ok but what he actually says is deep down there's no real hatred and he means it

@queerbashir said:

#idk breakfast i think he means it#but maybe im projecting

It's possible there was a miscommunication here, because we both said "he means it" and seem to be referring to different things. But what I was originally saying was that the meme (which, again, is great, 10/10 no notes) has the opposite meaning of the original scene.

That scene in O.R. is one of the closest looks into who Frank is that both Trapper and the audience ever get. Unusually for Frank, he just sort of starts opening up to Trapper. I think the circumstances of working long shifts in surgery together make Frank feel a little closer to Trapper, and exhaustion loosens his lips a little bit. For all that Frank is an antagonist, there is a certain level of closeness between Hawkeye, Trapper, and Frank. They don't want it, but it's there. Living in such close quarters with Frank and knowing first hand what he's going through, because they're going through the same thing, forcibly humanizes him. They associate with Frank, sometimes: In Dear Dad, Again (s1), Frank is in a fight with Margaret and spends time with Hawkeye and Trapper. He drives them crazy, but they still treat him basically like a very annoying friend. In Dear Dad Three (s2), they're so bored Trapper and Frank play cards together. Frank is a presence in the social circle.

Crucially, Frank wants to be in the social circle. Frank's insistence that "I didn't come here to be liked" is defensive; he knows nobody likes him and says fine, I didn't want them to like me anyway. Margaret tries to reassure him that everyone is just jealous, because Frank is so superior. In this scene, we get a moment of unusual honesty from Frank. He's aware that no one likes him and it bothers him. This comes after Frank leaves for a break after getting upset at Henry taking Hawkeye's side in the O.R. chatter. Honestly, no one wants to hear this, but Frank has a point. Hawkeye can usually say whatever he wants in surgery and he's at the least allowed to do it and at the most rewarded for it. When Frank says things, he's usually told to shut up. The difference isn't always the content of what they're saying or that Hawkeye is right, it's that people like Hawkeye and that he earns a certain amount of leeway by being the best surgeon. This is difficult for Frank to understand and he feels like it's unfair which he's not entirely wrong about.

So after getting, from his perspective, jumped on yet again, Frank sees Trapper isn't working and opens up to him a little bit. He opens the conversation with a stab at genuine gratitude and humility which is extremely rare for Frank. He doesn't quite hit the mark, but he gets pretty close. Frank was genuinely horrified by the mistake he almost made with the kidney and reacted the way he did in the moment because it's very uncomfortable to be publicly called out for such a serious mistake, even if it's deserved. We get a clue later in the conversation as to why he chooses Trapper to open up to, other than simple availability. Frank asks why no one likes him, and says:

Well, we got along fine, for the first two weeks.

Trapper doesn't argue. In fact, he more or less confirms it, by saying that time was wasted. So Trapper and Frank at least peacefully coexisted for the first two weeks. What happened? I suspect the answer is Hawkeye showed up. Frank then says:

But, deep down, there's no real hatred, is there?

And Trapper says:

Deep down? No.

I think Trapper means it, because he's just too tired to lie. I also think it's consistent with their dynamic. Hawkeye and Trapper don't like Frank and they enjoy tormenting him, but there's no real, deep hatred. Frank is a thorn in their side because he's there, but they don't hate him the way they hate the war. They don't want him dead, and while they do enjoy watching him suffer sometimes, they also feel pity for him. Trapper then answers Frank's question: why don't people like him? It's not for any of his crimes, or any of the reasons the fandom usually cites for hating him. It's this:

It's just that you're a joyless person, Frank. 

Which is honestly so much harsher. This is changeable behavior, but it's not something Frank knows how to change. I think being joyless is at the root of a lot of Frank's conservatism; he can tell that the mood dies when he walks into a room, so he huffs that they're all rule-breaking degenerates who are going to hell. This also explains some of his hypocrisy, because being with Margaret is just about the only time he does find joy. There are times Frank tries to join in the fun and his attempts are mocked. Frank is a miserable person to be around, and that's sad. Frank knows it, too. In a rare moment of honesty, he tries to explain it:

I'm from a very strict family. We weren't allowed to talk at meals. We couldn't even hum. Anybody who hummed got a punch in the throat.

Trapper says:

That's terrible.

And it is! In a different moment, Trapper might make a joke. Hawkeye certainly would. But in the weird atmosphere of this sleep-deprived, Trapper just tells the truth. He doesn't say that excuses Frank's behavior, but he acknowledges that it is terrible. Frank then follows with one of the single saddest things I've ever heard:

I think that's why I became a snitch. So I could talk to somebody.

Frank then describes a situation where he didn't snitch on his best friend and felt so guilty about it he ended up snitching on himself, probably snitching on the friend in the process, even possibly losing the friend. Joyless person.

At this point, Trapper is done with this conversation. Trapper has been falling down exhausted the entire time, and now he can barely keep his eyes open. He can't really process what Frank is saying anymore and tells him that. So when he agrees to Frank's request and says:

Friends, Frank. No more hostility. No more hatred. Friends.

At that point, he's saying whatever he thinks will make Frank stop talking and let him sleep. Of course directly following it with:

Now, shut up, Frank, or I'll kill ya.

Is funny. But there isn't any real hostility in it. Trapper is just tired. He'd say something like this to Hawkeye in this situation.

Trapper and Frank have an unusually personal conversation and Trapper says "deep down, I don't hate you, you're just a miserable person to be around."

Revelations

Cw: Religious Themes

And I saw a beast rising out of the sea, with ten horns and seven heads, with ten diadems on its horns and blasphemous names on its heads.

He is the Antichrist. The one who burns everything he touches, even himself. Even those he loves. The mark of the beast is black, it oozes around his skin, burns in the cleansing light. Billy Hargrove had seen the beast, and the beast had been himself.

And the beast that I saw was like a leopard; its feet were like a bear's, and its mouth was like a lion's mouth

He had tried to fight it. How does one try and fight themselves? When every whisper the beast cooed lay in bare truth? 'Nobody's coming to save you Billy. Let the pain consume you. It'll all be over soon.' And all he could do was feel the hot tears of morality, the last of his fight, drip down what no longer was his face, felt what no longer were his hands kill and maim.

And to it the dragon gave his power and his throne and great authority.

His anger. His own pain. Rage was Billy's fuel, rage for this town, his father, his stepsister. Rage had made him a monster in his own right, the beast knew that, the beast Billy only knew by one name, the Antichrist. His own sick mind which no longer was his mind secretly relished in burning this world to the ground, to destroy all that had hurt him. God had denied him justice, had left him in the hands of a lesser devil, only to be taken and hollowed out by greater evil.

One of its heads seemed to have a mortal wound, but its mortal wound was healed, and the whole earth marveled as they followed the beast.

The army grew. The seals of damnation broken. Billy wondered if God would still let him into heaven. If He would understand he had tried to fight it, but he was so God damned tired of fighting. "Please Max..please you gotta believd me.." He was so tired. So fucking tired. His body no longer his body was moving, he tried, he really tried, prayed that Max could see it in his eyes that were no longer his eyes that he was still trying to fight. The tears that fell, the tears that were his tears, he hoped she knew was his.

And they worshiped the dragon, for he had given his authority to the beast, and they worshiped the beast, saying, “Who is like the beast, and who can fight against it?”

Billy had known only hate. Grew up with hate and anger, had only known happiness when an angel had walked beside him on the beach, an angel that abandoned him when she could see the true colors of his heart. Billy wondered if she had known his fate, had known he'd be the harbringer of this worlds doom. Even if she had, she had blessed him with hope, cursed him with it. A cherub rested in his arms, a girl with God's power. A cherub that touched his cheek like an angel had done so long ago. "Seven feet..you told her the wave was seven feet."

Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.

Billy remembered this quote, something his pastor would say when he still attended church. His whole life he had fought, struggled. Now a cherub rested her hand against his cheek that was his cheek, felt his tears that was his tears. Billy had to fight. Just one more time. Hate and rage had consumed his heart like a vice, but now all he felt was love, even as the swords of the Devil stabbed into his sides, stabbed into his chest. He had fought. He had won..and for once Billy was free. He laid beside Max, wishing he had done more, been nicer, he hoped she understood. "Im sorry." And it was gospel. As he took his last holy breath, he thought of all the wrongs he did, what short life he had lived, but anger and pain did not fill his heart, nor did sorrow and regret. He stared up at his sister, whos hair was as red as the sun, she would have the life he never had, and she would be a harbringer of light.

hi jade!! hope it’s not too late for my thoughts on june baby cause here they are <3 sorry i have a lot of them

first of all, bernie being the sweetest and trying to give her a dad talk 😭😭 and the junie jar!!! he’s so sweet i love him. calling eddie “her boy” and asking if he’s the one keeping her tired omg

She kisses you. It's a little drooly as baby kisses always are, but it's the best thing that's happened to you all day. It's always so surprising when she initiates affection. That she loves you just as much as you love her. 

i swear junie gets a hundred times cuter every chapter!! that line, “that she loves you just as much as you love her” made me so emotional, cause i’ve been telling you in every commentary how junie is so loved and knowing that she can, in her own baby way, reciprocate it!! it’s lovely!!

EDDIE ASKING TO TALK TO JUNIE ON THE PHONE 😭😭😭

Junie’s babbling for his attention and he'd rather die than not give it to her

HES SUCH A GIRL DAD I LOVE HIM SO BAD

Your eyes flicker between him and the flowers. "I- nobody's ever got me flowers before. I don't know what I'm s'posed to do with them. I don't… have a vase." 

He hadn't realised he'd be the first guy to get you flowers. It makes him wanna wrap you up and hug you, because how is it fair that a girl like you never got flowers? Not once? 

I actually don’t even know how to say, just wanted to somehow highlight that part. “how is it fair that a girl like you never got flowers?” do you wanna make me cry? <3

He thinks maybe he can see the way you might've been before, in that moment. There's something so young – and you are young, as he is, as he keeps forgetting – about your face and how you take praise. You look like you want desperately to brush it away, and you look like you want him to give you more. 

jade, you put into words exactly what i was trying to say in my part 2 commentary. eddie saying that he keeps forgetting how young they actually are, how there’s still this sense of youthful in their lives. It brings me back to that “I think he likes me” scene from part 2 😭

Even the flat of your forehead begs for affection. He can almost feel it from looking at you – the warmth of your skin under his lips. He can't decide whether he'd kiss you from temple to temple, or smack dab on your crown. Between your brows, at the tail of them. The corner of your eye might work. Anything would work.

ANYTHING WOULD WORK. you’re insane i love you

He's hoping, maybe one day when she's old enough to understand, he could get her behind her own guitar. He's not kidding about starting a band. 

not him making plans for the future with them 😭😭😭 teaching junie how to play guitar – not his, but HER OWN 😭😭😭

The way you talk, so charming and careful, the sweetness of your newfound shyness and the rough hint of ever-present tiredness you carry, it all seeps into your singing. Eddie adores it.

and

You’re making it impossible to concentrate, looking as earnest, homespun, and ridiculously pretty as you do. Pretty in more than just your looks. The way that you watch him, the way you rub a pattern over Junie's ribs, it’s all so indicative of your heart.

i absolutely love the way you write eddie’s perception of her, how full of attention and gentle it is – to notice and appreciate the tiredness she carries, to say that the way she watches him and lovingly touches her kid is indicative of her heart. that was so heartfelt.

You'd never know he could play Master of Puppets a month after it's debut from the way he performs now. 

baby you can’t bring master of puppets up. i got war vol 2 flashbacks (im joking i actually thought that mentioning that as to show how nervous he is was such a good reference)

You'd never expected that part, though of course it makes sense – sometimes she smiles and you wanna call the newspapers – and you don't think Eddie's insincere. He seems like he genuinely wants to know and that's enough for you to want to round the table and throw your arms over his shoulders. 

eddie’s genuine interest in junie and how that affects her is such a beautiful thing and i could go on and on about it. but “sometimes she smiles and you wanna call the newspapers” was SUCH A LOVELY line that i had to take a break so i wouldn’t cry my eyes out

You turn to him to take him in properly. You beam, because this is an outlandish conversation and you're enjoying every second of it and he looks just as happy as you feel. 

and

Your teeth click together, a funny retort squashed down by his unexpected admittance of faith. He always does this; Eddie loves to tell you the kindest things anyone has ever told you like they don't cost him a thing. 

and also

His attentiveness makes your hands feel heavy in that you remember you have them, and you remember what it's like to want to hold someone else's. 

jade. i love them. i love you even more for writing them like this. i’m so invested in their happiness i’d read about them forevermore

You eat your own ice cream in the seat next to them and wonder if this is forever. 

in addition to my last comment, kinda hope it is 😩 no but honestly that line felt like someone ripped my heart out. so fragile. why.

Eddie wipes her chin with the side of his hand and watches her head fall. He wears a loving smile. It makes you want to cry, to know someone else loves her. 

“to know someone else loves her” THATS WHAT I WAS SAYING like. eddie really loves junie. his whole weekly (not to say daily) routine changed as soon as she showed up on his porch and now he really truly loves her. i can’t imagine how relieving (i don’t think that’s the word i was looking for but that will do) it must be for her to have someone that chooses to love junie, that learns how to love them in a practical way

"I think you're the first person to see it who isn't my mom. No one ever looks at me this long,” he says quietly.

“It suits you." Something pretty hiding in plain view. 

you were MEAN for writing that (i say this with so much love). that got me screaming into my pillow.

Eddie leans into it. “You wanna give me one for the next?” he asks, a short fall from salacious. 

NO CAUSE I WAS GRINNING AND BLUSHING LIKE A LITTLE GIRL WHAT HAVE YOU DONE IM A GROWN WOMAN

and when his bravado slips. and it leads her to thinking that he’ll reject her and she can’t have that. so she just kisses his cheek and thinks that she would be okay if that was all she ever got. babe. that was poetic cinema. the way i could see that playing in my head.

jade, baby, i don’t think I’ll ever get tired of saying how much i really, truly love and appreciate your writing. how every little thing makes so much sense to me, every feeling, every movement, every description. you’re so talented and so smart and so, so good – i mean it in the broadest sense of the word, you’re not only such a good writer but a deeply, honestly good person and it’s something that always strikes me in every detail of your writing. i love it. and i love you!! so much!!

as always, i’m super proud of you. and i can’t wait to see what’s coming next (but please take your time, and take care of yourself, yeah?) ily!! 💌 - lu (god that was long im sorry)

sobs violently and for hours...... lu 😭😭😭 lu!

u always notice the things I'm sure no one will notice cos they're so stupid specific, but also sometimes you point things out I didn't even notice myself and make me feel so loved and AH!!! AHHH! I am really truly speechless, it means so much to me that you're still reading after all this time and that you always have such thoughtful and not to mention EXTREMELY GENEROUSLY KIND praise 😭😭 I love u forever ♥♥♥

You don't have to respond or anything. I actually feel bad for writing this bcs i don't wanna burden anyone with this but if i don't say anything I'll lose it.

TW for R-word, PTSD, Depression, Self-harm and just really bad thoughts overall.

I'm honestly going insane. I don't even feel real anymore and it sounds corny and dumb but I truly don't. Nothing is helping, no therapy or any amount of pills are working for me. It's like, everytime I'm left to my own thoughts, I go crazy.

I hate it, I hate how I can't remember anything from 6-11 years old other than my cousin and his friend, the only childhood memories I have is my cousin and his friend r-wording me. They're 6 years older than me, I was just a kid. Barely 6, they were preteens. I don't understand why this happened to me and I'm so angry. I can barely sleep, 2 hours a night is amazing for me. But even in my sleep I have nightmares. They're awful, I wake up crying and covered in sweat. When I'm at school, one second I'll be fine and the next all I can feel is him and his friend. Its been years since I've last seen them but they're still there and they won't go away. I can still smell them, feel them, hear them. It's like it's happening all over again and I'm just so tired. I don't know what to do with myself. Everytime I think about having to live with this for the rest of my life, I feel an overwhelming sensation of just straight up agony. My chest hurts, my throat closes up and my eyes get watery. I'm tired of crying every night. I can't live in peace, these flashbacks I get are awful. It's like a flash of pictures in my head and my body reacts to it, like I'm a little kid with two grown men hurting me all over again. I tried fighting back of course, he just didn't feel pain. No matter how hard I kicked and punched and bit him. He wouldn't even flinch, it felt like God or whoever is supposedly up there, was on his side. It still feels like that. I can't even begin to understand why, if God is so powerful and real, why did he let that happen to me? It feels like it's my fault, God punished me for something I did and I just have to deal with it.

I hate how I'd let it happen all over again. Because at least it was just me, he threatened to hurt my sisters if I didn't let him and his friend. I didn't really have a choice, I couldn't let them go through that. So I'm grateful that he stuck to his word and my sisters are fine, I don't know what would happen to me or what'd I would do if they were hurt like i was and honestly still am. I'm sorry, I just feel so lost and faded. If that makes sense? I don't know what's happening to me and I'm scared of that. Thank you and have a goodnight, sorry for this shit I sent you but I wholeheartedly would snap if I stayed silent.

hey anon, it's alright i totally understand just wanting to say anything you've been thinking about.

i firstly wanna say im so sorry for everything's thats happened to you, nobody on earth deserves to go through that, im so sorry my love. and it was not your fault, the only person that's at fault is that scum, not you. you did nothing wrong, absolutely nothing.

i understand it's really hard and finding it so incredibly hard to find the point in trying to continue when you feel like you aren't getting better at all, but from my experience it does get better, it might take days, months or even years but eventually it does.

if you ever want to talk it vent anon feel free to send me a private message, i'm always here to help absolutely anyone, even if it's just to vent and get everything off of your chest.

i'm so sorry, my love, you're loved and i hope everything gets better for you❤️🫂

VENT: TRIGGER-WARNING

I’m not jealous, my Borderline is.

Im not that jealous. I’m not scared of others taking my partner or else. I’m scared he fall in love with someone else.

Im jealous of him being where we wanted to be. Where we went two weeks ago. I need to work to make money to survive feed my cats pay my bills pay the animal doc. To buy groceries. I can’t go there right now. We got a lot of fun and I’m happy he can relax there but I’m jealous Caus at this moment there are friends I also wanted to meet there. Now he got like two friends (yes one annoys him but still) there. And new ones we made there. He can relaxe and life his life there and I can’t.

I also want that kind of fun I also wanna relaxe and Do not need to worrie about anything here. Just to escape reality for one moment again.

I need to do everything in my apartmant alone. Fix my lights set up my pc and my washing Maschine. I need to fix my cables and my electric. I need to sell the kittens I got I need to make my household and go to work for like 8-9 hours a day. I don’t have really ly much free time.

The psychiatrist I once got a appointment at told me I should not be working. I should be in a close mental hospital. I should take a break Caus my mental health and stability is as fragile as anything can be.

I haven’t had thoughts about suicide in a long while but in the last three days I was thinking about it a lot again. So much that I want to stop existing again so bad.

I don’t see a point in living anymore. We are suposed to work all our life’s to pay some bills just to exist at the edge of being homeless just to keep going no matter how broken we are. Just to have like a month of vacation in one fucking year. Days for days we are working non stop. This isn’t fun this isn’t life!

This isn’t supposed to be life. Why do we keep going like this? The world is already burning but we still try to ignor it!

I’m so done with my life. I’m so so tired I just wanna rest I wish the thinking would stop I wish my breathing would stop I wish to simply stop existing but I some how can’t. The little friends I made are at this point to or to good.

Even he try’s to focus on positive thinks and try to help me thinking about them to but I don’t see anything positive. Nearly everything I planed this year is not possible to do Caus of work.

I just wanna escape. I wanna go back where I feel like a human where I feel free and happy.

Sylt was the first time after two years wegre I truly felt happy and appreciated. Whee I could be myself and have people around me with the same energy. Where I was seen as the man I am

But it feels like Nobody is listing to me. Yes I wanna dye. So badly I wanna just stop but Nobody let me. Nobody just thinks about telling me they understand my thoughts.

I try my best to get healthy. I take my meds I make me a routine and shit but it still DOSNT work. Yes it takes time but I don’t have this time.

My cats make me crazy that I’m scared that I get so angry at them that I break theyr necks. I’m daylie crying Caus of them. I’m constantly angry Caus of everything I’m done.

I’m at a point where I don’t wanna feel anything anymore. I’m at a point where I want to take so many drugs that I just stop feeling.

I rather be homeless than exist like this. Some times I play with the thought to leave everything behind me without telling anyone. And I nearly did it. I can’t open up at the moment and I know nobody can see it but why. It’s so clear how broken I am.

So yes. Im jealous. Even life fucks all of us I would kill to not be here, to not be me, I just wanna escape from everything and run away and yes maybe it’s stupid and yes maybe it will kill me but I’m fine with it. The urge to self harm again is so fucking big but I give my best to not do anything.

I’m tired of everything.

Yes I want my friends to have fun. Yes I want him to feel happy but I’m jealous. I want it two. I want to be there so fucking bad but I can’t.

Nobody can save me. Nobody can help me. Nobody understands it in the way I want to be understood.

It hurts my soul and heart but I don’t think even he can keep me alive for much longer. I love him so fricken much but the world is hurting me so fucking much that I just wanna fucking dye. Life makes me unhappy and it hurt to exist and see others happy. Yes they wanna work but I don’t it’s just pain I’m happier without it and I rather run away in a different country and be homeless than exist here any longer.

I can’t describe how bad my mental health is and how bad I wanna stop existing. But they can’t help me.

I just wanna cry. I wanna cry in his arms and be as broken as I am. I wanna stop hiding it but if I do I will break really really bad. And I don’t know if I will survive it.

I want him to see it. I want him to read it and to come to me but I know it won’t happen and I don’t want to be a burden for anyone….

I wanna be free.

I wanna be loved.

I wanna be happy.

I wanna be me.

I wanna life.

I’m just dead.

I’m dead inside.

I’m a walking shell.

Everyone is done here.

The world is burning.

When will it finally end?

When will it finally stop…

Lilith Clawthorne x gn.reader (part 1)

Y/N Pov.:

Our kind used to live peacefully on the isles but the emperor caught most of us and used us to satisfy his hunger for palismen. Even if we looked almost like every other witch, he used the little differences of ours to justify his discrimination and terrible behaviour against us.

We are related to the palismen but called nylem. Our bodies are similar to the average witches but we have black tattoolike marks which covers almost our whole back. Its in form of 2 big wings. In the night, when the sun in completely gone we can let the marks transform themselves into actual functional wings. But when we try to to this in the day, the skin on the back peels slowly off and the wings grow out of our backs which is very painful. The reason why the emperor wants us is simply because we release similar magic to when you break a palismen when we transform during the day. So he thought it was his right to look us up in his personal prison and force us to transform during the day. A few staff members would come and feed us every once in while. Im not sure but i think a few nylems had refused to eat because they were to tired and couldn’t bear the pain anymore. But its just a rumour. I wouldn’t really know since we all live in separate cells in order to keep us from making plans together. Maybe i was the last one alive. Maybe i will be the first one to die. I layed down in my cell, waiting for another faceless guard to throw the food to me but instead a blue haired woman opened my cell. I sat up and looked at the woman. She was very pretty. She slowly walked towards me as if she expected me to attack her. I’m chained to the floor and the wall behind me but sure…. After she realised this too she kneeled in front of me. “The emperor wants to try and talk to you in a few weeks. You’ll be able to take a hot bath, eat normal food and wear clean clothes if you cooperate and behave.” She gave me a skeptic look. She turned to the guard outside the cell: “They understand me right?” “ nobody really knows. Its said they used to talk once but we haven't heard one talk in months” , the guard said with a deep voice. She looked me in the eyes. “If you can understand me please nod or give me a sign.” I shook my head and tilted my head toward the guard. “You want him to leave?” I nodded. The guard turned to us. “Ms. Clawthorne, i don’t recommend staying with this beast alone. Its not worth it.” She waved at him signalising him to leave. He listened obediently. “We are alone,” she said. I nodded and smiled. “What else does the emperor want from me. Do i not serve enough already?” My voice was shaking and it hurt to speak because it has been so long since i last talked. She seemed furious and stood up. “The emperor allows you to stay in his castle and provides you with food, water and medical supplies. How dare you-” “Well i don't know about the others, or what is left of them, but i have a slightly different perception. I mean you do see these chains right?” “They are there so you don’t attack the castle again and hurt us!” Now thats it. I stood up (as well as these chains allowed me to). “We are tortured 3 times a week for hours, we are chained to the walls and grounds-“ i stopped because my throat started to bleed and i had a metallic feeling on my tongue. “We?” She looked confused. “How many of us are left?”, i asked. “You are the only one. The last one died 2 months ago. They all stooped eating and drinking after a while. We think it was a disease you are immune against.” “A disease? Really? Are you really that naive? You do realise we are tortured right? Or do you think we are just dramatic wannabe vampire-werwolf fans or something?” She looked down and seemed to think about it. “Even if you are speaking the truth…. How do i know i can trust you?” Seriously? How do i prove my suffering to the obedient and naive guard of the emperor. A tear ran down my face. I looked at her. “You dont have to trust me, but please, if you cant get my out of here-“ I was ready to give up.

Give up on hope. Give up on life… "Please….. if you can't let me leave…" i stoped and looked at her face. My face was covered with tears that rolled down uncontrollably. "If you can't get me out of this misery……. kill me." I whispered the last part but she seemed to understand. A tear rolled down her face. She stood up and left. Closed the door. The guards returned. And i still sat on the ground of my prison cell. My face was still covered in tears, Everything turned to normal. Nothing changed. I waited. One day passed. Two days passed. Then a week. And a month. Nothing. Nothing fucking changed. I ate less and less. I just wasn't hungry anymore. Did seriously nothing change. Everyday hurt like hell. Till i heard a loud groan and several punching noises. The door slammed open and a woman rushed towards me. I couldn't move. I couldn't speak. I could barely see her. I was too weak and too tired. She quickly took of my chains and carried me out. Once we were outside and she sat on her staff i saw black. Everything sounded muffled till i heard nothing. Everything was black and quiet. I felt nothing. It was such a relief. It was like this for hours till i heard muffled noises again. "I did everything i could but i don't when they will wake up. That poor thing was starved, dehydrated and hurt like nothing i had ever seen before. It's a miracle they made it till you reached me." "I know," a familiar voice said. I groaned. Everything hurt. I tried to sit up but my body wouldn't let me. My hand slipped of the edge and i fell off what seemed to be a couch. My face kissed the floor. It was hard. "Urrghhhhh", i groaned. "Shit", i heard the familiar voice call. Footsteps rushed towards me. Cant everybody just leave me alone. “Oh my titan, Luz, Eda i need a little help”, the familiar voice called is soon as she reached my side. I lifted my head a little to look at the woman next to me. “Ms. Clawthorne?”, i asked hysterical. “Yes, darling. Don't worry well get you back on your feet in no time. Just hold on.” She turned to the door. EDALYN CLAWTHORN IF YOU DONT COME DOWN THIS INSTANT I WILL THROW YOUR APPLEBLOOD INTO THE OCEAN.” Only a few seconds later a white haired lady bursted into the room with a brown haired child under her arm. “I am here” she huffed exhausted. Lilith started to give the two of them instructions on what to do while she helped me to get on the couch again. Ms. Clawthorne sat next to me and seemed really annoyed. After a few minutes passed the two dorks returned with bandages and other stuff. They put the things down on the table next to me a and left the room. The lady looked at me. “I’m going to have to take your shirt of.” The woman said. She saw my concerned look and added: “Your back is probably infected since transforming rips your actual skin. You’ve lost a lot of blood over the last few weeks…. and months… but until a while ago your body was able to regenerate. But now… your as weak as an abandoned stray kitten.” I didn’t say anything. She slowly took of my shirt, trying not to hurt me. I pulled my knees to my chest and hugged them, trying to hold back the tears. So she did come back to me. The naive lady was nice after all. “Im sorry but this will hurt a little,” Ms. Clawthorne interrupted my thoughts. Shortly after a sharp pain echoed through my back. I hissed and sank my nails into the couch till the pain softened. I felt her warm fingers on my back. While she took care of my wound i just enjoyed her touch. It was a little comforting. I placed my head on my knees while she put some sort if glued stripes and cotton on my wound. Her hand stroke my back one last time before she tapped my shoulder and said she was done. I put on my shirt again and bowed to hear, signalising my thanks. She smiled and bowed a little too. “You have nowhere to go right? You can stay as long as you like. I’ll prepare a second bed in my room. That way i can keep an eye on you wound… if thats alright with you of course.” I nodded. It would be great to have a place to stay in till i can repay them.