#never related to something so much in my whole useless and pathetic life
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I love you (and I don't want to) (Spencer Reid/Reader)
Requested: Yes
Summary: After three years in love with Spencer, (Y/N) decides it's time to move on. He will never love her anyway, right?
Category: Angst/Fluffy ending
Word count: 4,2K
Warnings: Cursing, but you love me anyway 💜
Masterlist
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It had been three years of her life. Three whole years she had been in love with Spencer Reid. But (Y/N) couldn't deal with those feelings anymore. She didn't want to continue torturing herself, waiting for him. Why? 'cos for him, (Y/N) was just his friend, his very best friend. But nothing more. And she wanted more. She wanted everything with him, and after three years, she knew she wasn't going to get it.
(Y/N) had hinted to Spencer in every possible way that she was in love with him, but he hadn't acted on it. She actually felt pathetic. (Y/N) thought she couldn't be any more obvious about her feelings. The only thing she hadn't done was kissing Reid. And she wasn't going to because it was clear all she was going to get was rejection.
That's why, after three years postponing her own life, waiting around to see if Spencer might actually see her as a woman and not as a friend, she was done. She had to move on from him, even if it was the hardest thing she had ever done.
But working with Spencer didn't make it easier. There he was, every morning, smiling at her from his desk. Asking her how she had spent the night, what she had done. Even inviting her over to his apartment for a movie night. Which with Spencer actually meant watching movies and nothing else. Nothing. Not even holding hands.
In three years, the most physical (Y/N) had even been with Spencer had been the day she got shot in a leg, and he hugged her when she rejoined the team after her leave.
One hug in three years. That was it. Spencer was way more physical with Morgan, or with anyone else, as a matter of fact. That's why it was time to let him go. (Y/N) knew she wasn't going to find another man like him, though maybe that was the idea.
She loved him so much it hurt, and she needed to get rid of that pain.
(Y/N) knew she could get a man's attention if she wanted to. That's why it was so frustrating not being able to get Spencer's. Decided to get him out of his mind, (Y/N) dragged Emily and García for a "Lady's night." And by the end of the evening, she had given her number to three different guys. Neither of them was Spencer Reid, but at least (Y/N) felt her ego boost from getting their attention.
.
- "(Y/N)! I still can't get over how hot that guy was!! did he call you already?"- Penelope walked through the bullpen straight to (Y/N) 's desk, ignoring everybody but her friend. (Y/N) bit her lips and closed her eyes for a second, embarrassed her friend had literally yelled to the whole FBI they had met a cute guy the night before.
- "What? Who?"- Derek Morgan nearly jumped and rubbed his hands together, excited to hear the story, and walked with Garcia to (Y/N) 's desk.
Spencer raised his eyes from the file he was reading and scanned (Y/N) 's face. She was blushed, obviously nervous, and biting her lips as she smiled. What? Was she excited? Happy? Annoyed? and who was Garcia talking about? what guy? (Y/N) wasn't dating anyone. He would know. He knew everything she did. Not that he was a stalker or anything, but he listened each time she talked, and she usually told him everything she did.
Did she? Maybe not anymore. Spencer realized he needed to know what Garcia was talking about, so he pretended to be working but paid all of his attention to that conversation.
- "Thank you, Penelope"- (Y/N) huffed and shook her head- "I don't think Anderson heard you, by the way."
- "I heard her!"- Anderson raised his hand and waved- "Hot guy, she can't get over him"
- "Thank you!"- (Y/N) smiled at Anderson and covered her face with both hands.
- "Oh, come on! Don't be shy. You are not shy. And last night's (Y/N) wasn't shy either!"- Penelope tapped on (Y/N) 's back, as she grabbed the closest chair and moved it to her desk- "So, did he call?"
- "Who are you guys talking about?"- Morgan asked, crossing his arms on his chest, staring at the two women- "What did you do last night?"
- "Turns out this lady right here is the best party girl I've ever met, and in all these years, she had never shown this side of her! Ever!"- Penelope was clearly under the effect of three cups of coffee.
- "What did she do?"
- "Oh my beloved Morgan, you should have seen her!"- Garcia started explaining, and Spencer realized his stomach, as well as his fists, were tightening.
- "Please, don't!"- (Y/N) begged, but it was useless.
- "She was a lioness in the wild, and the hottest guys in the club were her prey. She danced with only the most attractive men in the whole place. And she flirted, and laughed, enchanted them all. Guys were asking for her phone number the whole time we were in that club. I swear I had never seen anything like it before."
- "What?! this pretty lady right here?"- Morgan pointed at (Y/N), who was still covering her face with both hands- "She always refuses to go out clubbing with me."
- "Well, clearly she was hiding her wild side"- Garcia sentenced and nodded at her own words- "So, did he call already?"
- "No. He hasn't"
- "Who?"- Prentiss asked, joining the conversation- "Bachelor number three? Please tell me you are gonna marry that man. It would be a crime not to."
The fact even Prentiss was drooling over that unknown guy hit Spencer harder. He knew (Y/N) was gorgeous and that she could get any guy's attention if she wanted to. But in the last three years, she had ignored every man who had flirted with her. Why the sudden change?
Spencer knew he couldn't ask (Y/N) not to flirt or go out with anyone, just 'cos he loved her in silence. Reid wished he could tell her how he felt, but he knew it was impossible for her to love him. She always took special care of him. She was always there when no one else was. But Spencer considered it as a gesture of friendship, not of love. He was so blind, he had wasted three years of happiness by her side, only because he was sure someone like her could never want someone like him.
Lucky for Spencer (or unlucky in a way), he didn't have to listen to that conversation for much longer. Hotch asked the team for the reports of the last three cases they had worked on, which meant they had a busy day ahead, and the bullpen was silent for most of the day.
Until (Y/N) 's phone hummed around noon, and Prentiss jumped from her desk.
- "Is it him?! is he?"- (Y/N) looked at Emily in shock- "What?"
- "You are acting like a schoolgirl. Put your shit together."
- "Shut up and let me live my life through you for a second! is that him?"- (Y/N) grabbed her phone and nodded. Spencer looked at her friend and held his breath. What was happening? Why was she clubbing and meeting guys all of a sudden?
- "I can't stop thinking about you. I hope you are having a great day. Wanna have dinner with me tonight?"- (Y/N) read out loud and bit her lips.
- "Please say yes and ask him for a picture."
- "Garcia already found pictures of him online"- (Y/N) announced Emily and showed her the mail she had gotten from their friend- "She checked his whole life. And he wasn't lying. The guy is a pediatrician, he is single, never been in jail, gives lots of money to charity...."
- "And he is so hot, Ryan Reynolds would be jealous of him. Seriously (Y/N), please date him. You deserve to be happy, and that guy is screaming, "I could make you happy."
Emily had never been the kind of woman to say those things out loud in the bullpen, during work, knowing anyone might hear her. But that was precisely what she wanted.
She knew Spencer was paying attention. And she wanted him to listen to what was going on because it might be the only way to make him see he had to tell (Y/N) what he really felt for her before it was too late.
Prentiss knew Spencer was in love with (Y/N), though he had denied it every time she had confronted him about his feelings. But you can't hide those things from profilers. Less from profilers who are also your best friends.
Emily knew (Y/N) loved him too, and it was nerve-wracking watching them waste their time and neither of them doing anything to be together.
Maybe the fact (Y/N) was getting someone else's attention would make Spencer react. If not, well, maybe (Y/N) would get a chance to be happy with the club's hot guy.
.
The hot guy from the bar had a name. It was Benjamin, and he took (Y/N) our for dinner that night. He had been lovely and charming, just like he had been when they met at the club. So sweet and charming, in fact, (Y/N) felt he might be the one who could take Spencer from her heart. That's why, when he asked her out again later that week, she accepted.
- "Oh my god!"- JJ walked to (Y/N) in shock- "Who sent you these?"- there was a gigantic bouquet of red roses on (Y/N) 's desk, and the owner was staring at them, absolutely blushed. In three years, no one had sent her flowers. It was impossible not to feel special.
- "Benjamin"- (Y/N) whispered and opened the card that came with the roses- "He asked me out, again."
- "You know, red roses are the most common flower to give to a woman."- Spencer had made his best to stay out of that conversation and every conversation related to Benjamin in the last week and a half. But he couldn't do it anymore.
He was done.
- "Worldwide, everybody gives red roses to say "I love you," turning a beautiful flower into a sad and empty cliché."- Spencer stood up from his desk and walked over (Y/N) and JJ, staring at the bouquet.
- "Sad and empty?"- (Y/N) stood up and crossed her arms on her chest, defensive- "Why would you say that?"
- "When everybody does it, the gesture might turn into something meaningless. A banality."
JJ looked at Spencer and at (Y/N). Since Benjamin was in the picture, it was clear their friendship was in trouble. Reid was more distant and (Y/N) was focused on her date. You didn't need to be a profiler to see what was going on, and JJ knew the wise thing to do was to take a step back and leave the two of them to fix their problems on their own.
Something JJ knew was never going to happen, 'cos Reid would be passive-aggressive and (Y/N) would get annoyed and leave.
- "Why are you so bitter today, Spencer? It's just flowers?"- (Y/N) asked him and raised an eyebrow. Reid mimicked her movement and crossed his arms on his chest as well.
- "I'm not bitter, (Y/N). I'm just telling you this gesture of love that's melting your heart is nothing but a cheap way to get under your skirt."
Morgan, Prentiss, and JJ wide opened their eyes at Spencer's words. But (Y/N) didn't even flinch.
- "And since when do you care if someone is trying to get under my skirt?"- she asked, staring into Reid's eyes.
- "I don't."
- "Then why are you telling me this?"
- "I just thought you were smarter than this. I guess I was wrong."
You could feel the tension growing between them. And the sparks coming from (Y/N) 's eyes that were filled with anger.
Spencer regretted every word that had left his lips ever since he stood up, but he couldn't take them back. What was done was done. And so, he could feel (Y/N) 's friendship and love slipping through his fingers with every word he said.
.
Later that night, Spencer couldn't sleep. It wasn't late, but he hadn't had a proper rest for weeks. Since he first heard (Y/N) was out clubbing with her friends, actually. And now that she was dating someone else, there was no way Spencer could close his eyes.
He felt awful after what he had told her, and he kept trying to come up with an idea to apologize to her. In three years, they had never fought before. Well, he had never been so jealous of anyone getting her attention in the last three years.
He couldn't shake the thought of her being on a date with Ben at that very same minute. They were together. She was laughing. And that would be enough for that guy to fall in love with her. How couldn't he? (Y/N) was perfect. Spencer knew it.
Reid paced like a lion in his apartment. He sipped his third cup of herbal tea, trying to follow (Y/N) 's advice to reduce caffeine at night in a useless effort to sleep better. But he knew coffee wasn't the reason he wasn't going to get any sleep that night. It was (Y/N). (Y/N) and all the feelings he had for her.
Why couldn't he just tell her he loved her? Why did he have to hold those feelings back for so long? Was it too late to tell her? Of course, it was! and even if (Y/N) wasn't in love with Ben, that didn't mean she'd ever love Reid. They were friends, and that was it.
The hum of his cellphone took Spencer from his thoughts. Somehow reading "we've got a case" on the screen made him feel better. At least now he had something else to think about. Reid could focus on saving lives instead of his own misery.
The case could be solved. His personal life couldn't.
Work was where Spencer could hide. It was his escape from his own problems, from his head, and his tendency to overthink everything.
Work was his refugee, his temple. A place he could even call home.
And that's why he lost it when he saw (Y/N) holding some guy's hand in the hall outside the elevator, in the BAU.
- "What are you doing?"- Reid wasn't even subtle at that point. He ignored Penelope, Morgan, Prentiss, and JJ. Needless to say, he also ignored that random man he knew was Benjamin.
- "Hi Spencer"- (Y/N) cut him a short smile and tried to act normal, but she knew it wasn't going to happen.
- "We've got a case."
- "Hi! Nice to meet you. I'm Benjamin"- Ben tried to shake Reid's hand, but Spencer didn't just ignore him. The glance he gave him was so cold and annoyed, (Y/N) was embarrassed already.
- "Don't mean to be rude, but what the fuck are you doing here? Do you think you can come and visit the FBI whenever you want to?"
The whole team was silent. Spencer's words resonated through the empty halls. (Y/N) felt her heart stop and her cheeks turning red with embarrassment and anger.
- "I'm sorry,"- Ben whispered and cleared his throat- "I should go."
- "No, please."- (Y/N) held his hand tighter and turned to him, knowing Spencer was staring at every move she made.
- "You have to work. I just came to drop you off. Take care, ok?"- Ben said, smiling. (Y/N) nodded and slowly leaned in and kissed him.
Spencer's heart dropped. That was it. He couldn't deal with that anymore. Reid turned around and rushed out the hall.
What had he done? What had she done? That was it. He was screwed.
- "Spence?"- JJ found him hidden in the conference room, sitting at a chair, his head resting on the table, covered with both hands.
- "What?"- he whispered, but didn't move- "I know, I know"- he added before JJ would say anything- "I ruined it all."
- "Why don't you just tell her what you feel?"- she asked her and sat by his side. But Spencer still didn't move.
- "What for?"
- "For starters, to apologize for being a dick today."
- "It's useless, JJ."
- "Why?"- Reid sighed and turned slowly to look at his friend. JJ smiled at him kindly and shook her head- "It's not useless, Spence. She loves you."
- "She loves me as a friend."
- "No, she is in love with you. The only reason she is dating Ben is that she needs to get over you 'cos she is sure you don't love her."
Spencer looked at JJ in silence, trying to put those ideas together. But they made no sense.
- "There's no way (Y/N) loves me."
- "She does. She has been in love with you for the last three years, Spence. And if I were you, I'd apologize to her, and I'd tell her the truth."
- "She really loves me?"- Spencer whispered, and JJ nodded- "Why didn't you tell me before?"
- "I tried to tell you a million times before, you wouldn't believe me! now try to find a way to fix this before you lose her!"
Reid stood up and ran his fingers through his hair. JJ was right; he had to fix everything. He had to win (Y/N) 's love back.
But Hotch and the rest of the team walked into the conference room that minute, including (Y/N). And his plans were forced to be paused until that serial killer was caught.
That was a miserable case. Not only because the unsub was killing lonely older women, and no one noticed most of the victims because no one would visit them. Which made the trail of murders was nearly untraceable. But because Spencer and (Y/N) weren't even looking at each other during the whole time they were investigating, and to call it "awkward" was being subtle.
It was hell for both of them.
Being in the jet was torture, 'cos there was nowhere to hide from each other. When Hotch asked them to go to the last crime scene together was the worst. (Y/N) had to ask Emily to go instead 'cos she knew she couldn't deal with Spencer at that minute.
And all that time, all Reid could think about was that kiss. The image of (Y/N) kissing Ben in front of him, and the words JJ had said. That (Y/N) loved him, and that was the reason why she was doing all that.
Solving that case was more complex than he expected because he couldn't put his mind to it. All he could think of was (Y/N).
On the jet back to Quantico, Spencer sat in front of her, decided to talk to her. But she stood up and left in a second, not giving him the chance to open his mouth. JJ stared at him and cut him a short smile, trying to encourage him not to lose faith. Spencer knew (Y/N) was mad at him, and she would act her worst when she was upset. But this time, he knew he had fucked it up. There was no other way to explain it.
Saying "Sorry" wouldn't do it. Spencer would have to do better.
But how?
.
(Y/N) reached her house and closed the door behind her back, still making her best not to cry. She had held those tears back for two days now since she had fought with Spencer, and she refused to weep over him anymore. It was a waste of tears.
Spencer Reid was an asshole, that was all.
All there was left to do was to forget about him. Maybe (Y/N) could text Benjamin, tell him she was already back in town, though she really didn't want to. (Y/N) wanted that night for herself, ask for pizza, watch a movie, do nothing. Maybe take a long bath. She could deal with reality in the morning. But right now, she wanted that night for herself.
Of course, she wasn't going to get it. The knocking on her door ruined her plans before she could actually ask for her pizza.
Spencer Reid was holding his breath at the other side of the door and making his best effort not to faint. That's how nervous he was. (Y/N) looked at him in shock, and for a few seconds, she forgot how mad she was with him because the way he was looking at her was heart-melting.
- "I'm sorry,"- Spencer whispered and gave her a gigantic bunch of flowers- "(Y/N), I am so sorry I was an asshole with you."
- "I don't want your flowers."- she refused to take them and took a step back into her apartment. But Spencer followed her.
- "(Y/N), I..."
- "No, you hurt me. You insulted me. You humiliated me and..."
- "And I love you"- Spencer confessed- "I love you, and I have been an insensitive asshole with you. I know you won't forgive me, but I had to try."
(Y/N) stared at him in shock. She didn't move. She didn't even blink. Spencer stared at her in silence, closing the door behind his back. At least they were now inside her apartment, and she wasn't kicking him out. He thought that was a good sign.
- "What are you talking about, Spencer?"
- "I love you. I am in love with you (Y/N). I have been in love with you for the last three years, and I kept telling myself it was useless to feel this way for you 'cos you would ever even look at me that way. But now that you've got that guy, I've realized worse than losing you for telling you my feelings is losing you over some douchebag for not telling you how I feel."
Spencer was rambling too fast, and (Y/N) was not getting what was going on.
- "So you decided to come here and tell me how you feel so I would forgive you?"- (Y/N) asked him, still mad- "'Cos telling me you love me doesn't make me feel any better, Spencer. If anything, it's making me even madder at you! What the fuck is your problem?!"- (Y/N) turned around and walked to her living room, not really knowing what to do.
- "What?"- Spencer asked, confused, following her around.
- "I've been fucking in love with you for years! and you waited till now to tell me how you feel?"
- "I never thought you'd like me!"
- "I don't like you! I fucking love you, Spencer!"
- "I love you too (Y/N)!"
There was a deep silence in the room. (Y/N) and Spencer stared at each other, neither of them knowing what to do. They were in love. Literally, madly in love.
- "I love you, (Y/N)"- Spencer repeated and took a step closer to her.
- "I know, I heard you"- she whispered, confused. She was so upset and so happy at the same time. She had no idea what she was doing.
Reid didn't know what to do either, how to act, or how to fix things. The only thing he could think of doing was simple: to kiss her. Reid took another step closer to her, and she didn't move away. So he wrapped an arm around her waist and held her tight.
- "I love you, (Y/N)"- he repeated for the third time and kissed her with such passion, yet love, (Y/N) 's knees nearly betrayed her. Her head was spinning. Her body was shaking. She was in love, and the man of her dreams was finally kissing her.
Spencer was finally touching her, holding her, kissing her. After three years.
- "You said roses were sad and empty,"- (Y/N) whispered and looked at the bouquet Reid was still holding.
- "I said a lot of things I regret,"- he whispered and kissed her again. This time, less urgently and more sweetly, savoring her little by little- "And these are special flowers."
- "Care to explain?"- (Y/N) murmured and sighed. Spencer nodded and handed her the flowers again, smiling childishly.
- "Purple roses are not nearly as common as red or white roses are. And that's why they indicate a fascination and adoration."- of course, Spencer Reid had a real explanation for picking those flowers.
- "Purple roses are associated with royalty, and they were often given to queens. That's why it's the only flower I could give to you. You are my queen. You have always been, and I've been a stupid blind man not to see it before."
(Y/N) bit her lips and stared at him, not knowing what to say. Spencer sheepishly smiled at her and leaned in to kiss her. But she stopped him.
- "You were an asshole."
- "I know, I'm sorry"- he whispered, honestly sorry- "I'll live the rest of my life making sure you'll forgive me."
- "You won't get tired of me?"
- "Never"- he whispered and leaned over her- "I've been in love with you forever, and I wanna spend the rest of my life with you."
- "Sounds like a lot of time, Spencer."
- "We've waited three years already (Y/N). I'm not wasting any more time."- Spencer Walter Reid held (Y/N) and kissed her. He knew he had wasted three years, but he was willing to do anything and everything he could to make it up for her. All he wanted now was to make her happy every day.
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Taglist
@all-tings-diego @calm-and-doctor
#spencer reid#criminal minds#mgg#matthew gray gubler#mgg x reader#fluff#angst#dr spencer reid#spencer reid x reader#spencie reid#babymetaldoll writes
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"I guess this is a lesson in not trusting people”
Draco Malfoy x Reader
Requested by @potatothingsz
-> Hiii! I am a big fan of you honestlyyy eee i have read almost every blog of yours (mainly dracos-) anyway! I was wondering if you are open for requests rn? If not totally understand! But if you are tho i hope i can request one? Its a draco x reader one the story goes that draco is fighting with (whatever guy in hp) the reason is that the random guy basically have a crush on you (y/n is dating draco) then draco gets arrogant about it then y/n hears it then they fight cuz of things draco said!Gb!
Word Count: 3.6k
A/N: I hope you enjoyed this!
tag list @the--queen-of-hell @bbeauttyybbx
“And that’s how my parents met the headmaster of Ilvermorny School, all the way in America!” Pansy excitingly shared the news with you and Daphne by the Great Hall.
“How excellent, Pansy,” you said, interested in the conversation, “You should definitely tell your parents to bring you next time.”
“Oh my gosh,” Daphne said, sounding so surprised, “It’s only a week before holiday starts! Why don’t you ask them to spend the holidays with you over there? Wouldn’t an American holiday sound fantastic to you?”
“I second that,” you agreed, “Pansy, you would have the most exciting trip ever!”
Pansy liked the idea of spending the holidays in America, so she smiled, grinning as if it was a mischievous plan. “That is such a smart idea, who knows, I could return from the holiday’s with an American boyfriend!”
“You wish,” you teased, lightly nudging her shoulder.
Before Pansy could come back with a funny remark, Blaise bursted into the Great Hall, causing many eyes to look at him as he was running towards the three of you. He seemed terrified out of his life, as there was fear in his eyes, which was something you’ve barely seen from him. He was such a relaxed and reserved person most of the time, so acting like this without caring if people now paid attention to him was a first.
He placed his hands on your shoulders, huffing and puffing breath.
“What’s troubling you, Blaise?” you placed a hand on his hand, sounding deeply concerned.
He was still huffing and puffing when he said, “Malfoy. Fight. Outside. Now.”
It was like this new, uplifting energy came out of nowhere when you immediately stood up from the table and started dashing out of the Great Hall, along with your friends who followed behind.
There were so many thoughts madly entering your mind, swimming around and suggesting the most horrid reasons as to why Draco was involved in a fight. You were very much aware that he liked making dramatic debates and conversations with practically much everyone at school. But to make a huge scene that caused Blaise to briefly trouble you to stop what you were doing was something petrifying to experience.
Mindlessly, you made several turns around the castle, following Blaise, who had quickly followed your pace, guiding you to the crowd by the outskirts of the castle. It was by the balcony which gave a side perspective of the vast body of water which Viktor Krum and his school used to travel by ship.
It was about time when you were faced with your boyfriend, Draco Malfoy, involving himself in a serious and intense magic and physical battle with Cormac McLaggen, a Gryffindor who was in the year above you.
They have seemed to be quite in focus with the fight, ignoring the crowd’s chants and cheers. Honestly, one thing to be quite disappointed in at some point were the people’s reactions and follow-ups when it came to witnessing fights. There were crowds that would stop and call for help, and there were crowds that would watch the fight as if it was pure entertainment.
You were given the crowd that would watch the fight as if it was pure entertainment, saldy.
Since there was so much going through your mind, without thinking, you jumped into the middle of the fight, hoping you wouldn’t be hit with a spell or a fist fight.
“Enough!” you yelled, raising both your hands to the side, for both opponents to see. They terrifyingly lowered their wands, looking around the crowd, agitated with the eyes around them.
Once they had your attention, you angrily heaved a breath out of your system, which resulted from the start of a massive headache. You heatedly walked to the side your boyfriend was standing by and threw out your hands hysterically.
“What the bloody hell is going on, Draco!”
He did not reply, as he remained silent. He began looking down at the ground with disappointment and struggle in his face, realizing the damage he had placed himself. He was breathing in and out, holding his wand tightly with such distress in his grip.
You absolutely did not have the luxury to receive more silent treatment from him, for you were enraged and impatient with the silence. You rolled your eyes with such fury, “Explain, dammit!”
From the other side of the paused, rather ended battle, Cormac showed a condoling facial expression, which made him slowly walk to the other side, where you and Draco were standing by. He placed a hand on your shoulder, which caused you to briskly turn around.
He then placed a hand on his chest and said, “I believe I am at fault, Y/N.” he suggested, “He must have overheard me telling my friends how I fancied you and got distressed about it. I should have tried to reason with him more because if I did, we wouldn’t have had this fight. I’m sorry.”
You felt pity for Cormac, which caused you to shake your head in disagreement. ‘No,’ you mouthed to him. Disappointed in Draco, you sighed with such upset in your voice that when you turned to him with such a let down on your face, you said, “Bloody hell, Draco, he was the slightest threat you have encountered in your life. You are a foolish person for wanting to start a fight which is considered by everyone with the right mind to be useless. Damn you, Draco.”
Draco stressly placed the palms of his hands on his temples, placing pressure on it, “Y/N, I saw him as a potential threat to our relationship. I thought showing him that you were mine would be able to keep him from destroying our relationship, what we have together!”
You disgracefully shook your head upon hearing the madness he called for an excuse. “Unbelievable, Draco.” You looked back to Cormac with a sympathetic look on your face, “First of all Cormac, you are not at fault here,” which he gave a small, hesitant nod as response.
Then you pathetically turned back to Draco, “As for you, Draco Malfoy, you are in every way in the wrong. You’re the one who destroyed our relationship. That was certainly not the way to show him that I was yours. This made me rethink if the need to do that was even necessary! How could you possibly see him as a threat when you know I’m in love with you? I guess this is a lesson in not trusting your significant other, right? Because it seems like I guess I’ve never been a trustworthy person, especially concerning what we have together.”
Draco rolled his head in frustration and annoyance. He scoffed, “Please, don’t say that Y/N, you’re making me seem like the bad person here.”
You scoffed back, but with much anger, “But you are,” you coldy replied. Without thinking, you announced, “Consider us on a break, Draco Malfoy. Don’t bother owling me during the holidays. It’ll be nothing but a waste of parchments on your end.”
Finished with the debate you had with Draco, you gracefully turned around and placed a hand on Cormac’s shoulder, “Very sorry, Cormac. I still hope you have a lovely holiday despite this.” With a small nod from the older boy, it was your cue.
You turned around, walking away from the scene without thinking of the glares and whispers surrounding you. They were nothing but an audience with no respect whatsoever. Gossip all they want, they’ve got the scoop anyways.
—
You walked among the glaring eyes around you, trying to find a suitable cart to occupy. Surely in most situations, you would be happy to sit anywhere. But many would be really uncomfortable to be sitting around the talk of the town, which meant that they couldn’t use you as a conversation starter while they commuted back to the platform.
Thank goodness for Pansy and Daphne, who you found, securing you an empty cart amidst many occupied and packed carts between yours.
“Hey, Y/N,” Pansy warmly greeted you, helping you place your bags up on the rack.
“I got it thanks,” you told her, pushing your bags with strength.
You plopped down, sitting between the two girls, who looked like they weren’t sure of what to talk about since the travel back to the platform would take awhile. Daphne was playing with her fingers, while Pansy was trying to get Daphne to look up and mouth a conversation.
These girls were the absolute worst in trying to make things discreet but they happened to be attempting to converse with you in the most normal way, without thinking of bringing up anything Draco related.
“Anytime this week would be lovely, girls.”
“Wh-what?” Pansy let out an exposed laugh, “What do you possibly mean, Y/N?”
“Come on,” you rolled your head, “Can’t think of making things normal without happening to mention or bring up Draco and my whole outburst in school?”
You checked the two girls, who were cheekily smiling with such guilt on their faces. You chuckled, standing up to move to the other side of the cart, to sit, facing in front of them.
“You two are the silliest,” you crossed your arms with a comfortable look on your face, “I’m not made out of glass, fools. Come on, the worst things could happen to me.”
“I suppose you’re right,” Daphne cooled down, sighing a relief, “We were just being extra concerned that’s all.”
“And of course…” Pansy seemed to have a hard time continuing the sentence for a second as she tilted her head, mumbling the name ‘Draco’, as she continued, “Most likely isn’t taking it well. We haven’t seen or checked up on him, just to let you know!” she promised, waving her arms out, hoping you wouldn’t bust.
Daphne nudged Pansy’s shoulder, looking at her with an angry look, “You said you wouldn’t mention him! The hell is wrong with you?”
“Me? She said it was alright!” Pansy revolted in annoyance.
“Take it easy, you two,” you warned them. “You two are making things even more weird, and I’m just sitting here telling you not to look at me as fragile!”
“Right, sorry,” they both said embarrassingly.
“I just want to let you two know that this whole holiday of mine will be definitely a time for me to invigorate and rejuvenate on my everyday perspectives. I do not know what my parents have in store for this holiday but either way, I am going to throw this whole year away and focus on building for next year, especially when we come back from holiday.”
“That’s brilliant, Y/N! How magnificent, we will definitely be there to support you through owling you every day.”
You sorrily tilted your head with an open mouth, “Well I’m going to have to ask you the same I warned Draco about.”
“You’re saving us from wasting parchment.”
“I’m sorry, I just think, in order to focus on fixing myself, I-”
“Hey,” Pansy said, as both her and Daphne switched to the other side to sit beside you, “We get it, Y/N and we cannot wait to see you once the break ends.”
“One last group hug before we go our separate ways for a little while?”
--
In the cart that Draco occupied, it was a whole different energy.
During the first part of the ride back to the platform, Draco did not care about searching for an empty cart, or relying on friends. All he did was present a short, cold glare in front of first years, who willingly stood up and rushed out, forgetting that they were about to give away their seats to a couple of older Slytherins.
“Slow gits,” Draco muttered, swimming in his way into the cart as he threw his bag up into the rack without care and depressingly jumped on the seat by the view, which he used to ponder and stare with such a sigh coming from his mouth.
“Chill down mate,” Blaise had the guts, kindly warning his friend, who he sat beside.
Blaise was surprised when Draco calmly replied with, “Whatever, Zabini. I’m calm.”
Given this, he decided to take the advantage and reason out with him. He moved around his seat, trying to shift somewhat nearer to him. “You clearly aren’t. I reckon it’s going to rain over your whole holiday at home.”
“It won’t.” Draco gritted his teeth.
Blaise clasped his hands, shaking his head once, “How do you personally feel about the whole situation, mate?”
Draco looked at him with sore eyes and quickly jumped and leaned exaggeratingly, “Me? Personally? I-” then he turned his body around, facing the entire wall with the window, “Forget it. I don’t have time for this girl-talk.”
--
There was a small suggestion of fear in your mind because there was always a possibility of bumping into Draco thanks to the many gatherings your parents were invited to. It would have been extremely discomposing to see the boy you had called ‘breaks’ on before the holiday started. It would make things more complicated to remember that there were more adults than children in these parties, making it more difficult to find people to converse with.
Luckily, your parents surprisingly cancelled their parties, wanting to spend time with you more. They weren’t cruel or always self-centered, but they were very social when it came to gatherings and mingling with other wizards. So, hearing about this really felt like Merlin was on your side this year.
With the opportunity to tune out from the outside world, staying at home really made things easier to recollect yourself in these struggling times.
There was absolutely no distraction from anyone, giving you time to think about Draco.
It may have been advantageous to give yourself a break from the relationship. Draco, as you obviously know, can be very outspoken. He is the kind of person who wouldn’t be scared to speak up and share his thoughts in any way possible.
He was a head-strong person, the kind of guy that would really go out of his way to execute whatever he felt like doing.
What he did for you was… out of hand yes, but when you think about it, he was thinking about you. As a person who isn’t afraid of fighting for honor and the truth, he just couldn’t help himself and protect your relationship.
Maybe he could have thought things through and settled his issue with Cormac in a more lighter attempt, but if you step into his shoes, you were being Draco Malfoy. He did not want to use the luxury of time and think things through. He was the person who would do it before thinking.
Plus, he may or may not have anger issues, especially when it came to other boys concerning you. A simple talk about you behind his back would really be an issue for him. The least mess he can do is brag about you if they decided to talk about you when he’s nearby.
Huh, you actually chuckled at that last thought. Whether what Draco did was right or wrong, he did love you and what he did was for you. Maybe you were a bit harsh on him, but that’s the thing, all of these trace back to love.
Maybe you thought that he didn’t trust you enough, maybe you were just blinded by so many things.
It was probably right to give Draco another chance when the holiday ended.
When it did, you had a clear conscience as you were making your way back into one of your favorite places: The Slytherin Common Room. Nothing felt like home than going back to the best common room ever. The weather was still cool, so being around the fireplace was a great idea to warm up.
Someone had already beaten you to it, though. Walking past with your luggage, your eyes darted towards a platinum blonde hair, resting by the cushions of the sofa by the fireplace. Being curious, you slowly brought your luggage with you, calmly walking towards the sofa. You peeked in, seeing a sleeping Draco Malfoy.
He seemed to look extremely comfortable with himself. He was wearing a green jumper with a cup of hot chocolate by the coffee table. Had he stayed here all along throughout the holiday?
To answer your question, Draco’s eyes suddenly fluttered open. His grey eyes were looking at the ceiling for a minute. Still standing there, his eyes now moved towards you. You could see the extreme tiredness in his eyes. A lot could be said by his eyes, aside from tiredness.
There were dark circles surrounding his eyes. They could be as dark as half-wahed eyeliner kind of dark. It was awful, he must have shed bitter tears that went on for hours. You could see a hint of pink in his eyes, meaning he did recently cry.
The two of you had a staring contest, as Draco continued looking at you, but as if you were just a dream. You could tell by the way his eyes were narrow, looking half-asleep. You decided that it was time to break the staring contest and be the first to take action.
To test if he was half-asleep, you dropped your luggage, creating a big ‘thug’ sound, and moved around the sofa, to which he responded by having his eyes follow you. You made your final stop when you stood in front of the ends of the sofa, where his feet were dangling off.
To your surprise, he lifted his feet, wanting you to sit on the sofa. You didn’t want to keep him waiting, so you quickly sat yourself on the sofa, having his feet, covered in green and red socks rest on your lap. Your eyes moved from the color of his socks to his grey eyes, as he was still looking at you.
“I’m sorry,” you said, placing a hand on his ankle. You held on his ankle, tightening your grip as you looked at him with sympathy. You looked down immediately, feeling embarrassed and uneasy.
Draco sat up rapidly, removing his feet from your lap as he decided to place himself sitting beside you. His lower body was facing the fireplace, but his upper body was twisted, looking at you with full attention.
He placed his finger on your chin, causing you to look at his worn-out, grey eyes. “No,” he shook his head, “Merlin knows that it should be me saying that. You know that.”
His soft, post-crying voice wanted to melt or shatter your heart, making you frown in front of him. “What I do know is that I went too far in scolding you. It was wrong of me.”
“The amount of scolding was enough for me to realize the immature actions and misfortunes that I have caused. Without you, I wouldn’t be able to realize how much of a childish git I am.” He took your hands slowly, bringing them to him with such a feeling in his heart. “I can’t ask you to forgive me because I’m embarrassed of myself. You deserve so much more than what I offer as a partner. Please do whatever you think is right for yourself before hearts shatter even more.”
Your heart felt like dropping from the sky, collapsing in a pool full of sorrow after hearing those words come out of Draco’s mouth. Was he allowing you to break up with him? What could he possibly mean? There was absolutely no way he could let you do that. He was being out of his mind.
You let go of him holding your hands, to which his eyes widened to, only for you to wrap yourself around him, tightly and strongly embracing him with such love in your body. “Are you out of your mind? We can get through this, Draco. Leaving you after this would show that our love for each other would never be strong as I hoped to imagine. I’m staying with you because we have so much in store for each other. This is merely a minor bump in this journey you and I walk on.”
You could feel Draco let out a small sob from his eyes as he hugged you back, trying to squeeze and restrain himself from continuing to cry even more. “I love you.” was what he tried muttering without sounding like he was going to break down.
You nodded, wanting to join his crying session should he stop holding himself from. “I love you more than you know it.”
He slowly pulled himself from you, looking away from you. He stood up, causing you to raise an eyebrow.
“What’s the matter?”
“I know you said I’d be wasting parchments,” he replied, removing something from his sling bag, which was by the other end of the sofa, “But I wrote you letters that I ended up keeping during the holiday.”
He brought back with him a thick load of envelopes, ribboned with a green ribbon. He looked at you with a warm smile and handed it to you, “I give you the honor of burning it.”
You scoffed, “Burn it? I’d love to see what you were yearning for while you wrote this.” you teased him.
Draco felt a hint of embarrassment in his eyes as he tried grabbing it back from you. You sneakily pulled it away from him, “Uh, uh, uh” you waved your finger.
Draco smirked, jumping on you as he continued to attempt getting the letters from you. This caused the both of you to fall from the sofa and the day continued as the two of you fought on the ground, trying to play like childish children, ignoring the other students arriving in the common room.
Looks like news would spread that love is in the air again as the power couple is back on track with their relationship.
#Draco Malfoy#Draco Malfoy x Reader#Draco Malfoy Imagine#Draco Malfoy Imagines#Draco Malfoy x Y/n#Draco Malfoy x you#Draco Malfoy fanfic#Draco Malfoy fanfiction#Draco Lucius Malfoy#Slytherin#Hogwarts#Hogwarts x Reader#Hogwarts Imagines#Hogwarts imagine#Hogwarts oneshots#Draco Malfoy oneshots#Harry Potter#Harry Potter x Reader#Harry Potter Imagines#Harry Potter Imagine#Slytherin oneshots#Tom Felton#Tom Felton x Reader#Tom Felton Imagines#Tom Felton Imagine#Tom Felton Oneshots#Tom Felton x you#Tom Felton x y/n#Tom Felton fanfic#Tom Felton Fanfiction
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All My Midnights With You (c.h)
Pairing: Calum Hood X doctor! Reader
Summary: How many midnights can you spend with a stranger? Or Four times you see Calum at a New Year’s Party and one time he didn’t.
Warnings: Fluff with a little bit of angst. Implied sexual relations. Mentions of surgery, hospital rooms and vomit. Mentions of alcohol. Language. Some grammatical mistakes (English is not my first language, I’m sorry)
Word count: 6.9 k
Author’s Note: So, i had to make a NYE fic with Cal after all the angst i threw the past few weeks, and I’ve been working on it for weeks now and I’m finally satisfied with it! Please remember that Reblogs, comments and feedback are more than welcome and encouraged! I really love to hear from you guys ❤️ Hope you like it and Happy reading 🦋💕🌻
Also Ps: I made the reader a doctor cause I was watching way more episodes than I should of Greys anatomy and I figured it made sense in the plot
My materialist // wanna be part of my tag list?
Picture taken from Pinterest
One.
The party was loud. It’s not like you mind at all, you knew parties should be like that, it’s just that you’re not used to them anymore. But now, your residency was over and you could enjoy a little break from the neon white lights. You knew no one there besides your best friend, who quickly disappeared from your side to grab yourselves something to drink, leaving you alone amid people with funky hats and numbered glasses.
You didn’t mind, you knew their job as a radio host required them to be more social and if your hospital life taught you something is to know how to navigate through different environments with confidence, you were fine with watching people run around for fun for a change, drinks in their hands and hope in their eyes for the New Year.
You were standing at a corner of the room with your eyes wandering around the room, trying to find your friend amongst the sea of people. That was the first time you saw him.
Tall, with a black button-up shirt with rolled-up sleeves that displayed tattooed arms with various designs you couldn't figure out at a distance, head filled with black curls that were positioned in the most perfect way to make it seem like he didn’t put an effort on it at all, which you knew it must be a lie. His profile was immaculate, you thought since at a distance he looked like he could be sculpted from marble, especially when he smiled and his cheeks took over most of his face. His style wasn’t bad either, although you wouldn't go with a completely black outfit, you must admit that it suited him. At this point, you know you’ve been staring for quite some time, definitely more than it was allowed before it became creepy, but you couldn’t help it. He was beautiful in every single way.
Your friend came back a few minutes later, a drink in each hand to share with you. You thanked them as you quickly pulled your eyes from the stranger, starting a new conversation almost right away, hoping that the blush on your cheeks could disappear.
What you missed, though, was that handsome stranger looking back at you for a moment.
He didn’t notice your previous stare, but you can say that he was curious about the new face that just showed up at his friend’s party. Although he didn't linger on too much as he was quickly swayed away by his friends in different conversations, his eyes met yours from time to time and he could almost swear he saw you blush every time they did.
The party went by without a hitch. It was closer to midnight when the host, a tall man with curly dirty blond hair and the deepest dimples you’ve ever seen, stood in the middle of the room to announce the countdown.
People started to gather around the living room, making their way into the front and looking for someone to share the first kiss of the year, pushing you away from your friend while doing so. In a matter of seconds, you got lost in the sea of people again, you tried to push your way up to your friend again but it was almost useless. With a little huff, you turned around and knocked someone’s drink over.
“Oh my god,” You said, hiding your face in complete embarrassment “I am so sorry! I didn’t look where I was going, I-”
The man chuckled “It’s okay, sweetheart. It was a shit drink anyway”
You looked up and the sight in front of your eyes almost knocked you over. It was the same guy you were crushing on the whole night.
It was almost pathetic the way you seemed to lose all kinds of speech as you looked into his eyes. If you thought he was beautiful before, then you are sure he is breathtaking standing up close.
His brown eyes had such intensity it was impossible to look away, it was almost as he had locked you down with just a stare, and that’s without mentioning his smile. You couldn’t have noticed before, but his smile made his whole face shine, blinding you as you tried to find any kind of compliment that would fit him perfectly. How could someone have the perfect smile?
He chuckled again and you noticed that you were staring waaaay too long for it to be normal. You looked away and started fidgeting with your hands, how come you can perform surgeries and talk to other doctors and patients normally but you are at a loss of words when it comes to a cute guy?!
You were about to say something, anything to make the awkwardness of it all fade away. But the voices coming from the living room interrupted your train of thoughts again. You both looked at the crowd of people gathered a few meters away, they were all staring at the countdown on the TV as they cheered for the New Year to come.
“10, 9, 8,” They sang “5, 4, 3, 2, 1…”
And as the cheer of “Happy New Year” came, you felt two calloused hands cup your cheek and pull your face in another direction.
It was almost instantly when you felt the soft lips of that stranger on yours. The initial shock made you pull back a little before kissing him back. It was soft, sweet, and innocent, yet neither of you wanted to pull away first.
You brought your hands to the back of his neck and pulled him closer to you and his hands flew to hold your waist, still in awe of how perfectly your lips melted against his, almost like they were made for each other from the start.
But everything has an end and you both need to breathe. And, when you looked into his eyes again you knew he felt it too. There was something you couldn’t deny, call it chemistry or spark or fate, but that kiss felt like nothing you’ve ever felt before.
“Woah…” He whispered after pulling away, hands still on your waist as he tried to find an explanation for what just happened “I-”
“Calum!” Someone yelled, making both your heads snap towards an even taller guy with curly hair, seriously, where do you get these people?!
The stranger - whose name was Calum, apparently - let go of your waist as his drunk friend came over “Luke!” He said with a smile, but his eyes told another story. Was he annoyed at his friend for interrupting what was happening?
But Luke didn’t notice that, he just came over and rounded his arms around Calum’s shoulders, wishing him a happy new year and slowly walking him towards the crowd of people who were waiting for him.
You stood there shocked, not knowing what to do or what just happened. But you did notice the way he looked at you, an apology plastered into his face as he was dragged into the sea of people where you lost him once again for the rest of the night.
Two.
Another year, another party.
This time though, your friend didn’t need you to drag you out of the house like they always did because you happily agreed to attend. You told yourself it was because you needed a break from the emergency room, but if you were completely honest, it was because of the hope of seeing him again.
You haven’t seen or heard about Calum since that night at the beginning of the year. Of course, you knew you wouldn’t, you never exchanged numbers nor introduced yourselves properly and your friend told you that they didn’t know him well enough to try to hook you up and that might seem unprofessional on their part, which was right. You told yourself that it was fine and probably for the best since you started getting busier with your job, so you moved on.
Yet, that kiss still lingers on the back of your head. Yes, you went on dates and kissed other people too, but that kiss was something else and you knew he knew it too.
Subconsciously you hoped for him to remember you, to think about that kiss as often as you did. You knew it was a long shot, an almost impossible dream that could only come true in movies or cliche storybooks. After all, you were one of many people he knew and he didn’t even talk to you for more than 3 minutes! One of which you spent in awkward silence and the other you spent kissing.
And even then, your heart dared to hope.
You arrived somewhat early since your friend told you they might be a little bit late so you could ahead and meet them there. And, luckily for you, you didn’t have to go that far into the party to find a familiar face. It just so happens that this familiar face was the same face that overtook your dreams for the past year.
He looked different this time, his hair was much shorter but still held onto the curls that distinguished him from the others. He was not wearing black this time as he chose a simple outfit of jeans and a button-up white shirt with the first few buttons open enough to expose his chest and a feather tattoo that you haven’t noticed before. He was laughing along to what his friend said, sipping on his beer every few moments. You didn’t think he noticed you, but your heart skipped a beat when he looked your way and smiled.
You thought about going in and say hi, maybe even introducing yourself in the hopes that he would remember you, but you needed some liquid courage before even attempting to speak again. So instead of walking towards him, you found yourself making a B-line to the kitchen.
The kitchen wasn’t as crowded as you thought it would be, a few people here and there but they were minding their own business, something you were thankful for because you didn’t know what had come over you. You cursed under your breath, you just made a fool out of yourself! He might think you are a stalker or-
“Didn’t think of saying hello?” A voice called next to you.
You stopped the thoughts running in your head as you looked to the side, almost spilling your drink when you found the eyes you were dreaming of for over a year staring back at you.
He was smiling, a hint of tease shined on his eyes as he laid against the counter. He was still just as handsome but, weirdly enough, it wasn’t as intimidating as before. You could almost say you felt somewhat safe around him, comfortable even.
You smiled at him just the same, your sudden fear of talking to him quickly faded away. You already shared a kiss, how bad of a conversation could it be?
“Why would I say hello when we didn’t even say goodbye?” You teased, making him laugh.
If you thought his smile was beautiful, nothing prepared you for his laugh.
“Touché,” He said, extending his hand towards you “I’m Calum, by the way. Calum Hood”
You shook his hand as well “Nice to meet you, Calum. I’m Y/N”
“Pretty name for a little pretty thing like you” You laughed “I can’t believe it took us a year to finally meet. Are you an Angel or something? So you only show up when needed?”
“Are you always this charming or am I just lucky?” And that was the start of the evening.
You talked the whole night. You found out that he is the bassist of a rather famous band, he teased you about never hearing of them before and you told him that your job didn’t give you enough time to listen to music that wasn't in an elevator. When you told him that you were a doctor, he completely changed the conversation towards you, asking you questions and really getting into it as you explained to him the weirdest things you saw in the ER.
The more and more you talked you knew he was special. He made you laugh and was interested in what you had to say. He answered all your questions and talked about his family and how much he misses them around this time and it surprised you how intelligent and connected he was with his emotions. The deeper you went into the conversation, the more hooked you got.
“I’m sorry I left last year,” He said after a while. You were both standing outside in the garden as the commotion of the party became too much for both of you. So you just talked while staring at the big dark sky above you.
“Don’t be” You reassured him “We didn’t know each other and I’m surprised you remembered me at all” You laughed, but Calum didn’t follow.
“I don’t think I could forget you,” He said in a serious tone, making you turn to look at him to see if he was joking. By his face, you could tell he wasn't “I asked Ashton about you like a bunch of times, but I don’t think he even knew you were here… he’s a great host, don’t get me wrong, he just sucks on making the guest lists small enough to remember all the plus ones” He chuckled.
“You asked about me?”
“I had to know who my midnight kisser was,” He shrugged. “Almost thought I was drunk dreaming or something until I saw you enter the house tonight. I was so glad you remembered me and you didn’t think I was just a creep in the kitchen”
You both laughed this time “Well, lucky for you, I couldn't forget you either, even if I tried”
Calum chuckled as he stepped closer to you, his nose almost touching yours. One step closer and you would be in the same position you were a year before, only this time you were both sure you wanted this.
“And what about tonight?” Calum asked as one of his hands rounded your waist, making your breath hitch “Would you forget about tonight?”
You looked into his eyes, but he had his gaze fixed on your lips, waiting for just one word from you to feel them pressed against his again. You felt your soul leave your body as you realized how much you wanted this.
“I-I guess we’ll have to wait until midnight to find that out” You whispered, and, just as you said that, a thousand lights illuminated the night sky in the far distance.
You pulled away when you heard the first firework, staring in awe while Calum took his phone out of his pocket and started giggling. He showed you the time and it was in fact midnight of the New Year. You couldn’t believe your eyes.
“You timed that shit, didn’t you?” You laughed, but your voice soon drowned out as he cupped your cheek like he did last year and pulled you closer to him.
“If I told you I didn't, would you still want to kiss me?” He asked. You answered him by crashing your lips into his.
The fireworks went off in the sky and around your head, that’s the effect Calum had on you. The kiss was much different from last year’s, this one was more passionate, more mature as you both knew what you were doing. It had a different meaning now that you started to get to know one another, and you hoped you would continue to do so once the kiss was over and midnight came to pass.
You were glad to know that the spark was still there, this time even brighter than ever as he deepened the kiss a few moments later. You knew it was way too soon to think about love, but when you thought about kissing Calum, you hoped it could go on forever and ever.
This time, he pulled away first “You feel it too, right?” He asked in a breath as he held you closer.
You wanted to say yes, to scream it even. You knew about “the kiss” every single romantic movie talks about, the one everyone dreams to have at least once, and you knew this was it. Yet, all you could do was nod.
He brought your face close to him again, ready to seal your lips together one more time… you could guess what happened next.
“For fuck’s sake” Calum murmured as he heard the backdoor opening and his name being called out by one of his bandmates, Michael, you guessed since he was the only one you didn’t know already.
You could tell he was about to cuss Michael for his interruption, but you were quicker.
“Hey, it’s okay” You reassured him “You have people to see and I need to make myself a drink anyways”
Calum smiled at you, thanking you for understanding but still wishing he could stay with you a little longer, all night if it was necessary. He was about to say something when Michael called his name again. This time, Calum flipped him off.
“I’ll find you later, okay?” He said, pressing a small kiss to your lips before disappearing into the house again.
You followed him after a while and went directly into the kitchen to make yourself another drink. The smile you wore grew bigger every time you thought about the kiss and how it was almost ten times better than the first one.
Your mind started wandering towards a future where you could kiss Calum every time you wanted, where you could share evenings and go on dates and travel the world… You found yourself not minding that at all.
But before your fantasies could go any further, your friend came running towards you “There you are!” They said, “I’ve been looking everywhere for you! We need to go”
“W-what, why?!”
“The host is gone and they are kicking everyone out” They said with a shrug “His band also took off”
Calum left? Without saying goodbye again? “Where did they go?”
“From what I heard, their management asked them to go and perform some songs in a party downtown, apparently one of the bands who were going to perform originally couldn’t make it and they were called in replacement”
Okay, you couldn't get mad at that, it was his job after all and it was an emergency he couldn’t help. Still, the disappointment of not being able to see each other again tonight stung like a bee.
As you were waiting for the Uber outside of Ashton’s house, your friend asked “Hey, found your mystery kisser?” They liked to refer to Calum like that, even though they knew who he was.
You smiled “Yeah…”
“Got his number this time, right?”
Oh shit.
Three.
You were late. You were soooo late and you hated that.
Well, it’s not exactly your fault, the patient in room 304 started vomiting all around and it wasn’t his fault either that he needed to go into surgery right after (successfully if I may add) At least your job gives you good excuses.
You just hoped it wasn’t too late and that Calum would still be there.
Another year has passed and you haven’t seen each other at all since that last night in January. You knew that he was touring all year round with his band, at least you knew he was happy doing what he loved. You also tried to contact him through social media, the only problem was that you weren’t the only one and your message probably got lost between the thousands and thousands he got every day. So you spent yet another year thinking of him and dreaming about the kiss that you two shared.
This night, if everything goes right, you would change that. You wouldn’t disappear without at least giving him your number, if he still wanted it, of course. And you wouldn’t disappear without telling him how you feel.
Decidedly, you open the doors to Ashton’s house, and, just as fate’s decided, the first face you see is him.
Calum spotted you immediately, almost like he was waiting for you, and his face softened the instant he realized you were finally there. He wasted no time in walking towards the door and grabbing your hand to pull you upstairs. You didn’t even have the chance to say anything as he opened one of the doors and pulled you inside, locking it and pushing you against the door, pressing his lips on yours.
And there it was again: fireworks.
You placed your hands over his chest as you got lost inside your kiss, it felt just as good as you remembered, better even. You wondered if every time you kissed was going to be like that: utterly magical.
“It’s not midnight yet” You laughed when you pulled away to breathe. Calum chuckled.
“I don’t care,” He said with a raspy, needy voice, pressing kisses along your forehead, your nose, your cheek, your lips “I can’t wait until midnight and deal with the fear of having to leave again”
“Well, aren’t you quite the Cinderella?” You teased, making you both laugh “Are-are we really in a closet right now?” You said, taking in your surroundings in the dimmed light.
“I-.. yes” You burst out laughing again “I wanted some privacy and I thought this was the guest room!”
You silenced him with another kiss, this time sweeter than the previous one “Well, I think is cute”
Calum sighed “I’m tired of both of us not making it after midnight, I don’t think I want another year without seeing you again,” He said, stroking your face with the back of his hand.
“So, what’s the plan?”
He smiled “First, we get out of here” You grabbed his hand and nodded.
You let Calum lead the way, not just to get out of the closet, but also to get out of the house and the party completely. He took you to his car and told you to hop in.
“You are not going to murder me, aren’t you? I have house plants to take care of” He laughed.
“No, that’s the plan for Valentine’s Day” Calum teased and your heart fluttered at the thought of spending Valentine's day with him. Has he really thought about you that way as well?
He jumped in the car and started driving you around the city and through the coast as you talked about everything and anything at the same time. You catch up on your lives as you ate some MacDonalds’ you picked up on your way and you sang your lungs out to the tunes that came out on the radio to celebrate yet another year gone.
You swore you couldn’t be happier and you smiled knowing Calum felt the same.
“..And that’s why I was late today” You laugh.
“I would’ve waited for you the whole night through. But I will admit I thought you’ve given up on me” Calum said, holding your hand while turning around a street you were unfamiliar with “I wouldn't blame you if you did. But I really wanted to see you tonight”
You tugged on his hand “I told you I wouldn’t forget about you even if I tried” He smiled at that.
A few minutes later he parked his car in front of a house “It’s almost midnight” He said, unbuckling his seatbelt “And I thought that maybe this time we can spend it where no one would interrupt” You could tell that he was a bit embarrassed, but the thought of it was really sweet and you would be lying if you said you didn’t want this too.
“So this is your home,” You said as a matter of factly. Calum nodded “Then lead the way, Cal”
Once inside, he poured you a glass of wine and you sat in the living room and kept talking till midnight came around. When the clock struck 12, you were already lost in Calum’s eyes. There was something hypnotic about them that you can’t quite figure out, but also don’t want to. It was a beautiful mystery and you rather that it stayed that way.
“You won’t disappear after midnight?” You asked, face inches away from him.
“I don’t plan on going anywhere, baby,” He said as he closed the gap between the two of you.
This time there was no rush, no firework spectacle in the sky nor noisy friends who could ruin the moment you both had been waiting for an entire year. The kiss held the same passion as the ones that came before, yet you could sense in the way he moved that there was something more in this kiss, a need that only the two of you could satisfy.
“Why does every time I kiss you feel like the first time?” He asked, hands circling your waist and pulling you over his lap in a quick movement as his mouth traveled along your jaw and down your neck “Do you still remember that first time?”
You smiled, hands tangling in his curls as he left a trail of open kisses from your ear to your collarbone “I remember” You said as a breathy moan leaves your lips “I had a huge crush on you since the first time that I saw you” You confess.
Calum hums “Good thing then,” He hovered his lips over yours, gripping your hips as you started moving against him “Cause I had a crush on you since I saw you looking at me across the room”
You brought your hand to cup his cheek and kissed him as your life depended on it. This was nothing like that first kiss you shared, this was needy, dirty, sloppy… The innocence of it all crumbled away as you started to grind on him even harder than before and moaning into his ear.
Calum held your hips as he felt you press against his growing, groaning as you picked up the pace “Is this okay?” He asked, looking into your eyes for reassurance “We can stop if you want, I-”
“Calum,” You said, stopping your movements altogether, “I want this. I want you”
Next thing you know, he was kissing you again, lifting you, and carrying you to his room.
*
You don’t know what time it is when your phone starts ringing. You just know it’s either very late or super early. You untangled yourself from Calum who had his arm around your waist as he pulled you closer while you slept. The curly-haired man mumbled something unintelligible before turning around and going back to bed. You smiled at the sight, if you weren’t in love before then you sure are now.
The phone kept ringing, so you put on a pair of sweatpants and a shirt you assumed belonged to Calum and went downstairs where you left your phone.
“Hello?” You said as you picked it up.
“Dr. L/N? It’s Lou, from the hospital. I was assigned to Mr. Minkus-” A panicked voice said.
You froze when you remembered the patient from earlier, the one who needed an emergency surgery “Is everything okay?”
“He went into cardiac arrest a few minutes ago but we managed to control it. But he is still very weak and needs surgery right now before he-”
“I’m on my way”
You ran into Calum’s room without making much noise. You changed into your clothes and called an Uber. You hated to do it when he was still sound asleep in his bed, but people needed you and you needed to go, he will surely understand.
As the Uber parked outside, you almost forgot to leave him a note, so you scrabbled your number and your name in a random piece of paper, telling him to call you so you could explain everything when he woke up and placed it in the pocket of the jacket he wore the night before, since it was the only thing close to the door at that moment, hoping he won’t be mad when he calls.
So you slipped in your shoes and left. Leaving the man you were surely falling in love with, sleeping safe and soundly on his bed.
Four.
You were at another party at Ashton’s house and this time you were alone.
Calum was standing a few meters away from you with his hands around another’s waist.
“This is the reason,” You thought as you watched him give his significant other a kiss on the cheek “This is the reason he never called or texted after you had sex”
You felt used. Worse than trash itself as you realized he used you for a night’s only fun.
You shouldn’t even feel bad, you barely knew him after all. But why does it hurt so bad?
A year ago you thought you might love him and that he might love you… guess not.
Calum caught your eye after a while, they seem sad. Why? He is the one holding another person in his arms on New Year’s Eve.
And you are on your own. That’s what you get for believing in fairy tales.
He is still staring when you turn around to leave.
You are not waiting until midnight this year.
Five.
Calum is staring at the door like a guard dog. He doesn’t know why he is waiting for you to come around this year, after all, you were the one who left him on New Year’s day almost two years ago. He shouldn’t be waiting for you and yet, he does.
He was mad at first. Furious even, when he woke up the next day and you were gone. Not even a single word for him to find comfort with. He knew he was in love with you from the first moment he saw you and then… you left. He knew he deserved it after the times he had to leave unexpectedly, but he was still heartbroken.
The boys tried to help him, setting him up on dates that meant nothing to him. Nothing like you, at least. Their kisses didn’t light up a flame inside of him, nor made him feel like the king of the world just by laying beside them. No, that was something only you could do.
He tried to start a new relationship by the New Year, yet that came crashing down quickly after a few weeks into January. He still remembered the way you looked that night, the way your eyes filled with tears as you walked away again. He knows he should've felt something in the lines of pride or comfort or even happiness to show you that he could move on without you, but all that he felt was the tugging on his heartstrings when he saw you in pain.
So, maybe that is why he is waiting for you now. He needs to see you again, just one more time and then he’ll know what to do. He will either let go or hold on to you, whatever you give him he will take. But it’s getting late and you are nowhere to be seen.
The fear of you not showing up takes him by surprise. You might as well be at home, or at somebody else’s party wrapped in someone else’s arms for all he knows. He might’ve lost you but.. who lost who first? How could anyone be winning when all he feels is an emptiness at the possibility of not seeing you again? Even though you left him and not the other way around, he is still looking for you.
A loud thud and a scream came near the living room and shook him from his thoughts. Calum got up to his feet as people started yelling for an ambulance. He ran as fast as he could and found Ashton laying on the floor with his foot twisted to the side… it did not look good.
“Mate, what the fuck?” He asked shocked, he knew nothing about ankles and their anatomies, but it was obvious they weren’t supposed to look like that.
“I fell down the stairs and I think I broke something” Ashton hissed in pain “Have you been drinking?” He asked Calum who shook his head, already knowing the next question.
“Come, I’ll take you to the hospital”
They left Luke in charge of the party as they headed towards the nearest hospital they could find. Calum silently lamented not being there anymore in case you showed up, but he wasn’t going to let his best friend stay in a hospital room alone, especially on New Year's Eve.
Once they reached the emergency room, the nurses put Ashton in a wheelchair and took him for examination. A few minutes later he was back and now they moved him to a little bed in the corner of the room as they waited for the doctor to come by.
“I’m sorry I took you away from meeting Y/N again,” Said Ashton after a while.
Calum shook his head “Don’t be. Maybe we weren’t meant to happen after all”
But Calum knew that wasn’t true. He was a big believer in fate and that everything happened for a reason. He knew that seeing you every New Year’s Eve and sharing that kiss with you at midnight had to mean something, it couldn’t just be coincidences without a motive, a reason for that to keep happening. Yet, this would be the second year he has to spend midnight without you by his side. Maybe fate was trying to tell him something he just didn’t want to accept just yet.
And just as that thought came running through his head, the doctor opened the curtain that gave a little privacy to Ashton’s little corner. Calum almost loses his breath for a minute.
“Okay, Mr. Irwin it looks like- oh shit” You looked up from your tablet with the medical records and almost dropped it when you found Calum sitting in front of you. This wasn’t supposed to happen.
You just stare at each other for a few seconds, everything else faded away. Calum thought you looked different with your white coat and your standard uniform, yet none of that made you less breathtaking than you already were, it made you even more beautiful to his eyes.
At first, you thought it was some kind of prank. You changed shifts to work in New Year so that you won’t see his face and here he is. At your job. Next to his friend with a broken ankle.
You cleared your throat and looked away, suddenly finding Ashton’s foot a lot more interesting than it really was.
“Sorry. Looks like you broke your ankle, nothing too serious but you will have to put on a cast so it heals quicker” You didn’t look at Calum, you couldn’t “The ortho specialist will be here shortly. I’m just here to making sure the meds are working fine and that nothing else hurts”
Ashton smiled at you, it was supposed to be comforting but you saw a glimpse of teasing in them, oh this must be so funny to him “Thanks Doc”
You smiled at him and shook your head, eyes drifting towards Calum for just one second before saying “It’s not a problem, Happy New Year” and walking away.
The thoughts were running through your mind like the roadrunner. You did everything you could to avoid meeting him tonight and he still makes an appearance. Unbelievable.
You didn’t even make it five steps before Calum ran up to you “Y/N! Wait”
“I’m at work, Calum” You hissed, not turning around to face him just yet
“Yet we are your only patients” It was true, surprisingly enough, the ER has never been so quiet before. Even the nurses went to hide behind a desk to wait for midnight and drink alcohol-free cider.
You sighed tiredly, you didn’t want to play this game anymore. You slowly turned around and placed your tablet on the empty desk “What do you want from me, Cal? What do you want me to say?”
“Maybe start by saying why you left that morning without telling me?” His eyes were fixed on you, yet they weren’t angry or disappointed. They were expectant, curious about what you were going to say. He knew that this was it, the hold on or let go conversation, and how he hoped to hold on.
You, on the other hand, looked at him like he was crazy “Without saying anything? Calum I left you a note! I had an emergency surgery to attend, I explained it all there and I even left you my number! You were the one who never called and then showed up with a date the next year. How do you think that made me feel, you idiot?!”
“What note? There was no note!” He asked, clearly confused about this new information.
You groaned with exasperation, how can he be so dense? “In your coat, Calum! I left it in the pocket of the blue coat you wore that night, I couldn’t find anywhere else to put it as I was heading out”
Calum stayed silent, trying to remember the exact coat you were talking about. And, in a flash, it all came back to him. He was an idiot.
He covered his face with the palm of his hand, mortified for what he was about to say “I washed the coat the next day as it got stains of food in it” He said with a groan “I found a piece of paper in the coat after I washed it, it was destroyed and I thought it was the receipt of the food from the night before”
You stared at Calum for a moment before bursting out laughing.
Calum, on the other hand, didn’t find it as amusing as you. But the more he thought about it the more ridiculous it sounded, so he soon joined you in a fit of giggles.
All of the hurt you both endured, the pain and the heartbreak… it was all for a misunderstanding caused by detergent?
“Oh my god,” You said as you tried to catch your breath, “I thought you were done with me after we-”
“I thought you were done with me!” He replied, both of you coming down from your highs.
“Calum, I could never. I told you I would never, not even if I tried” You said with a sigh “But seeing you with another after that... “
“It meant nothing,” He assured, walking up closer to you “I admit I tried to get over you cause I didn’t know what else to do. I was falling in love with you and then you disappeared without a trace. I was so angry. But as soon as I saw you that night I knew I could never be over you, even if what we have only last until midnight”
You chuckled “We can never win past that point, can we?”
“We can try,” He said, his arm around your waist and he pulled you closer “I want to try, Y/N. I assure you I cannot make it another year without at least going on a date with you. If you let me, of course. Cause I think we’ll be pretty good together, don’t you think?”
“I think we will. As long as you check your pockets before throwing something at the washer. Cause I was falling for you too, and I don’t think I ever stopped” You threw your arms around his neck, pulling your face closer to his. You missed him like this.
You missed all of him, really. You don’t know exactly what it is that draws you to him, why after all this time of meeting once a year you feel like you knew him since forever. It was new but at the same time so familiar. You know it should scare you, but you feel safer than ever wrapped around his arms “Is it midnight yet?”
Calum shook his head and pointed to the clock upon the wall. Ten seconds.
“Nine, eight, seven…”
“Six, five, Four, three, two..”
“One.” You both said in unison as your lips met again. The kiss that you awaited all year long was finally here and it was full of promise. The promise of a future together, of security and love.
You were sure it could not be a coincidence that every year you spend it by his side, that from the moment you met, no other thought has filled your head. Every piece of you seemed to be molded perfectly to fit him and vice versa. The connection was too strong to ignore and, if you believed in soulmates, then there was no doubt Calum was yours. After all, you went through to meet every year, you knew it must be fate that brought you two together, that and a broken ankle.
Speaking of that…
“HAPPY NEW YEAR” Came Ashton’s loud voice from the corner of the room. Making you both break away from the kiss to laugh.
“He just had to keep up with the tradition of interrupting us,” Calum laughed.
“Please tell me you didn’t push him down the stairs to come and see me” You giggled as you took his hand in yours and walked up to Ashton to keep him company.
“I would’ve thrown myself from the stairs if it meant I would get to see you, darling”
That night you finally gave him your number and planned a date for the next day. But not even five minutes after they were gone, you felt your phone vibrate in your pocket.
“Hello?”
“I had to make sure!” You laughed as you heard Calum’s voice through the speaker.
“See you tomorrow, Cal?”
“And for all the days and years to come, baby”
Tags: @iknowyouthinkimbulletproof @talksoprettyjjx @theshyspy @mystic-232
#calum hood#5 seconds of summer#5sos#calum hood fanfiction#calum hood imagine#calum hood fluff#calum fic#calum hood angst#suchalonelysunflower#calum 5sos#calum 5 seconds of summer#5 seconds of summer fanfiction#5SOS imagine#5SOS fic#calum imagine#4 + 1#calum hood x reader#calum hood fic#calum hood 5sos#calum hood x you#ashton irwin#michael clifford#luke hemmings#new year fic#2021#5 seconds of summer imagine#doctor! y/n#fanfic#angst#fluff
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Friend Killer Kakashi
ao3
words: 2.2k
warnings: angst, mention of gore, mention of vomit, no comfort
He was ready to crawl out of his own skin. His whole body flushed with waves of heat, prickling uncomfortably in his chest, like thousands of pins jabbing both inside and outside of himself. He stopped, gripping the counter to hold himself steady while he dragged shallow breaths into his lungs. He knew he needed to take a deep breath, he was telling himself to take a deep fucking breath, even just one, why can’t he just even breathe correctly, how the fuck was he supposed—
The sound of his fist interrupted him before he’d even realized he had struck out. Knowing it would be several minutes before the pain really set in, he smacked his hand against the counter again and shook his head viciously. Silver strands, oilier than he usually let them get, stung as they met skin while the weight of his hair shifted.
He sucked air thickly into his nostrils then pawed at his nose, grimacing at the spices that overwhelmed the air around him. He tossed the pan into the sink, not caring that it still sizzled or that the oil splashed onto the cold tiles beneath him. He was trying to make pan fried eggplant to go with the premade miso soup he’d picked up last week. It had been a shitty week and he just wanted to make his favorite meal to make everything hurt a little bit less. There was no way it’d be as good as what Gai made, or whatever Dai had done when he first made it for him, but Kakashi figured it would do, and since it would be the first thing he had cooked himself all week, there should be some sense of achievement and dopamine to relish in when it was done. Unfortunately, it had gone terribly.
He couldn’t remember exactly what spices went on the eggplant. Salt, pepper, minced garlic, and then Gai would riff from there. Kakashi hated that—he was fine as long as he could follow a recipe. Gai, however, could just pour a splash of soy, or a squeeze of lemon, or even a drizzle of honey on anything and it was phenomenal, and also, unrepeatable. He could remember what the version he wanted tonight should taste like, and it didn’t matter what bottles he shook out into the pan, it never smelled right. The oil just kept popping onto his arms and hands, and the eggplant got slimier, and everything started to smell way too strong.
Kakashi Hatake, master of a thousand jutsu, and fucking garbage at cooking.
Whatever.
Running his hand along his forehead, he tried to find a single thought to focus on rather than the swirling mess in his head. Rin’s death a few months ago had hit him hard, much like he had hit her. He knew Gai hated to hear him think like that, but she would be alive if he hadn’t been there. If his hand hadn’t crushed through her chest, her ribs scraping along—
He lurched forward, the smell of the kitchen and the visceral memories getting to him at last. His shoulders jerked erratically as he retched into the tiny sink then sunk to his knees. The cold of the floor helped ground him while he wrapped his muscled arms around his stomach, leaning his head against the cabinet until the room stopped spinning.
Pathetic.
Obito would be absolutely pissed to know this was what he died for.
Gai wouldn’t be back from his mission for at least four more days. Kakashi was on a temporary leave pending the results of the investigation into Rin’s death. Ibiki had tried to reassure him the other day that unofficially it was looking good, and should turn out in his favor soon. He was almost certain to be found not at fault. Kakashi had scoffed—even if that was the official ruling, her murder was entirely his fault.
While they weren’t living together, Gai had taken it upon himself years ago to have a spare key, or maybe several spare keys, to his apartment copied and he kept one in a pocket in that garish green spandex at all times. With everything going on, Gai had been by every other day or so that he was in the village. The couch still had a crumpled blanket at one end he had used the last time he stayed overnight, and the one throw pillow with the Hatake crest that Gai wouldn’t let him get rid of. He tossed it out of his way as he flopped down on his back, letting his legs kick up and rest over the top of the dingy couch.
Why did anyone bother with him? Why would Ibiki go to the effort of leaking confidential information about his investigation to him? Why would Asuma invite him out for drinks every Friday night? Why would Kurenai and Genma leave bottles of sake in his mailbox with notes that everything would be fine? Why would Gai.. anything relating to him?
He couldn’t even hold the memories back long enough to successfully make dinner. He hadn’t even reheated the miso soup, and that was only two steps. He couldn’t save Obito, he couldn’t save Rin, he couldn’t convince Gai to leave well enough alone.
What if Gai was next?
Fuck.
He couldn’t let Gai be next. There were a lot of things he had failed at, but damned if he wouldn’t succeed in this. He could not, under any circumstances, let Gai any closer, any further into his life. The further away he could get the overly-enthusiastic shinobi, the better.
He nodded, swinging his legs around to the edge of the couch and letting that propel him into a seated position from which he sprang up. He walked over to the tiny end table and wrenched open the single overstuffed drawer, digging through for a pad of paper and the first writing instrument he could find, a blue pen with the academy’s logo printed on it.
Gai—
I don’t know how to tell you this, but you have to stay away from me. It’s for your own good. No one close to me is safe, even from me.
Sorry. Please understand.
—Kakashi
He read over the messily scrawled note, then tore the sheet off the pad and crumbled it in a fist. There’s no way Gai could read that and not have about a billion questions. Especially with how they had relied on each other through the years, from Dai’s death to Rin’s, this wouldn’t be remotely good enough to get Gai to stay away.
He sat down on the couch again, tapping the pen absentmindedly against the faded lined paper. What do you say to someone to convince them to be done with you completely?
When the key scraped into the lock, he froze.
The door swung wide open, Gai slumping into the apartment. His jumpsuit was nicked and torn and his hair didn’t have its usual luster. He was clearly exhausted, though not chakra exhausted. Kakashi felt the familiar pangs of panic begin to hit—how was he back so soon?
“Hey, ‘Kashi. The client blew the mission terms totally out of proportion—he made it seem like it’d be almost an A rank, and instead it was like a grueling C rank. We’re still not sure if the pay will be adjusted accordingly, but Ebisu is arguing it shouldn’t be because we did still run into trouble—Stone ninja near the border tried to take Chouza out. Recognized him somehow, but no worries, Konoha’s magnificent Green Beast was on the scene and we handled them without any major issues.” He grinned and flexed, posing for a moment before relaxing now that he had reached his destination and sliding his vest off and onto the hook by the door.
“How have you been? You eaten yet? Yakiniku is running a special according to Chouza—he asked me to join him for a post-mission meal and I told him I’d have to swing by here and see if you wanted to tag along. You like their short rib, right? Or are you still on the vegetarian kick?”
It never failed to impress Kakashi how Gai could fill a space, whether it be with his words, his personality, or his posing. No matter how he did it, though, it always was genuine and warm, and it was nearly impossible to maintain the solemn composure he frequently fronted. They made a nice contrast as a pair. Shame they would never have the chance to explore the friendship further.
He looked down at the crumpled paper on the ground and kicked it under the couch, setting the pad and pen aside. Unfortunately, he was going to have to explain in person.
He walked past Gai without making eye contact, the other man stepping out of his way without resistance. He lifted the vest off the hook next to his own vest, brought it briefly to his own chest, and immediately regretted it when the scent of his rival slammed into him. Once again, he shook his head vigorously, then shoved the vest back at Gai.
“Get out.”
He laughed, taking the vest back and slipping it on without understanding. “Want yours as well?” he asked, reaching for the door.
Kakashi felt flushed again, realizing that Gai meant for them to get dinner together. He walked back into the small living room, keeping his back to the door.
“Don’t need it. Get out.”
Gai’s laugh died in his chest, questions rising to the surface. “I… You okay? Did something happen while I was gone? Your investigation results? I told Ibiki to send word if they made the announcement, that asshole—”
“No, Gai. Nothing happened. I just…” Kakashi swallowed and felt his heart frost over. “Just did some thinking. Realized I’m better off without you.”
He scoffed. “Very funny, Kakashi. Come on, grab a jacket or something, Chouza said he’d wait on me to get back.”
“I mean it, Gai. You’re holding me back. The stupid challenges, do you think I actually care? I’ve always been stronger than you, and now that I’ve got the Sharingan, it’s comical, competing against you. I can see all your moves from miles away. You broadcast like a bull. You’re loud, annoying, and a useless ninja. I want you out of my life.”
There was silence for more than a full minute. It might have been as long as the two of them had gone without speaking, ever. Then Gai crossed to Kakashi in two steps, grabbing his left shoulder and spinning him around to face him.
“I know you’re not saying all that ‘cause you mean it, Kakashi. Look me in the eyes and think about this.”
Kakashi steeled himself, making full eye contact with the single grey eye. “Why don’t you think about it, Gai? Honestly? What kind of a ninja can’t even use ninjutsu? Everyone’s just humoring you and letting you make a fool of yourself. You’re a walking lesson in how to not be a shinobi.”
Gai blinked hard, his eyes beginning to shimmer. He cocked his head to the side, his grip on his rival’s shoulder only strengthening.
“’Kashi, I know things are hard for you. I know your brain lies to you sometimes. It’s okay. Listen, we’ll stay here tonight, I’ll cook, we can watch a movie or something, I’ll keep watch so you can sleep and we’ll talk more in the morning. There’s no pressure. I care about you, Kakashi. Let me help you.”
His eyes were swimming now, the passion making tears roll slowly down his face. The silver-haired man refused to move or answer. Swallowing, he made one last effort to persuade him. “Kakashi… please. Don’t do this. I love you.”
Kakashi’s heart, freeze dried, now shattered, crumbling into a powder and blowing away on a light breeze. Of course Gai loved him, and he loved Gai, but could Gai really mean that he… could he love him the way?—
Impossible.
No. Of course not. And even if he did, that just put him in all the more danger.
His resolve strengthened, he scowled back. “Fuck off, Gai. A ninja that only uses taijutsu is useless in battle. Don’t you remember how your dad died? Couldn’t save himself, could barely save you. What did you even do to try and help him?”
He was grateful for the fist that slammed into his jaw, shutting him up and knocking him into the wall.
“Fuck off, Hatake.”
He only dimly registered the door slamming, and possibly coming off its’ hinges. After a beat, a glint of silver flew through the air and lodged into the wall directly opposite the door. Slowly, he gathered himself up and limped over to it, realizing with a sharp ache that it was the key to his apartment. Turning to the mirror propped near the door, he stared down the version of him with grey circles under his eyes, thumbing at the blood growing at the corner of his mouth.
Friend-Killer Kakashi was starting to sound more like him by the moment.
#kakashi can't cook#kakagai#kakagai angst#kakashi angst#kakashi hatake#maito gai#might guy#kakashi oneshot
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‼️TW‼️ sa/r@p3 mentions and sh/su1s1d3 baiting
i knew for sure that i was aroace after a boy who i was very good friends with asked me out. i was scared. i felt so pressured that i felt like i was suffocating. i wanted to run away and never talk to him again. but i couldn’t. he was my best friend at the time, plus he asked me out in front of my mom and his family. so, i just. said yes. and then he invited me to things, which i always made excuses to reject. he wanted to hold hands, and kiss, and he bought me plenty of gifts. you know, that type of stuff. and i thought “eventually i’ll want to kiss him, right? eventually i’ll want to be around him more, right? eventually i’ll be sexually attracted to him, right?” i didn’t know what asexual or aromatic meant at the time. so i thought it was all linked to my history of sa/r@p3 trauma. but, that didn’t really make sense for my lack of interest in being in romantic relationships in hindsight. the relationship only lasted up to a week? and the reason i broke it off was because i felt disgusted and uncomfortable whenever we touched or hugged or when he tried to kiss me or hold hands or he told me he loved me. it all felt wrong, like i was walking on ice and it was going to crack any second. something like that. and when we broke up he said he didn’t understand. and i couldn’t give him a reason, because i didn’t understand either. i cried so much because i felt like i was defective and useless. not to mention he said he was going to off himself/hurt himself because of the break up. which was pathetic. shortly after that i had seen a post somewhere about asexual awareness day. that was the moment i knew what was going on with me. and then shortly after that i found out what aromatic meant. i felt so relieved that something wasn’t wrong with me. i finally felt like i wasn’t alone in my experience and after i found that out, i felt way more secure in my identity. it was life changing. so yeah. if you read this whole thing, sorry and thank you lmao. i just wanted to tell my experience in case someone related. love you fellow aros and aces. :•) <3
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No One Lives Forever Not Even God
Peter Parker x bisexual!reader
Peter Parker x fem!reader
Peter Parker x black!reader
Peter Parker x villain!reader
Warnings: Language, Insomnia, mentions of antidepressants, mentions of drugs, drug use, mentions of addiction, mentions of nazis, parental neglect, mentions of the dead, cemeteries, mentions of meltdowns, corrupt government, mentions of cancer, low self esteem, self destructive behavior, medical testing, thoughts of murder, mentions of injury, and mentions of knives,
Word Count: 6.1k
Songs: Mother- Pink Floyd, He Can Only Hold Her- Amy Whinehouse, A Pearl- Mitski, Me and My Husband- Mitski, Saint Bernard- Lincon, Why Didn't You Stop Me?- Mistki, Nuestro Planeta- Kali Uchis, You Know I'm No Good-Amy Whinehouse, and Love Is a Losing Game- Amy Whinehouse.
"I’ve been in a very poetic mood lately. I think it’s funny how anything could be considered poetry and something you relate too. Like Twitter or any other social media and the ongoing gag of people feeling the need to announce the fact that they’re making moves in silence. But that’s what I’m doing, making moves in silence. If anyone is in my business now I’m politely asking you to remove yourself from it before I make you.”
A/N: I only did one proofread so sorry if there are typos and this is just more of an infodump to set up other chapters so enjoy ig. I almost gonna start another series a social media AU let me know if you'd want to be tagged in either of these series.
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Nightmares come while I’m asleep but, when I’m awake the nightmares of the day just come for me then, so really I’m just stuck. I would like to say the antidepressants are working, it's just the insomnia that comes with them isn't working for me. I’m honestly starting to think mood stabilizers would do me better.
Mother, do you think they'll drop the bomb?
I’m not sure I could blame this all on the pills though. I’d have to give some of the credit to the massive bombshell that a certain ex Avenger had dropped on me.
It's almost like every five seconds a new giant secret about my mom is unveiled to me. Like sure I saw from the video that she’d left me that she had associations with some bad people like Kingpin but nazis?
SHIELD had apparently collapsed because it was infiltrated by Hydra but it was prevalent while my mom was still alive. Seems like she had worked for or with everyone who was anyone. I’m just gonna give her the benefit of the doubt and assume she didn’t know because up until two weeks ago I didn’t either.
Her and Natasha had been recruited at the same time and worked together but for someone who claims to have been so close to her you’d think she’d know that she was dead. “She went off the grid and that was the last I heard from her,” is all she gave me with a smile that even I could tell was fake and I’d just met the woman.
You know when grown folks come up to you and expect you to remember them because they met you once while you were like in the womb that’s kinda my relationship with Natasha. She knows so much about me and I know absolutely nothing about her save for the fact she's a spy meaning she’d be a great liar.
She used to babysit me sometimes if I could trust what she says that is. Apparently I called her “Auntie Nat”. For some reason no one ever thought it was a good idea to inform me that I had a godmother. Maybe they did and I just forgot.
I thought they were supposed to take care of you when something happened to your parents. And the one who’s alive is about as useless as the other. It might be fun to have another person that was considered family. Just maybe not a spy at least I’d know she’d walk out of my life so I won’t get attached.
Mother, do you think they'll like the song?
“Hey mom,” I sighed sitting down in the light dusting in front of her tombstone. “I know it’s been a while and I’ve got a lot to catch you up on,”
It took a bit of digging before I found what I was looking for in my bag. I ran my fingers along the cold surface of the small jewelry box. There was puffy white glue holding the larger pieces together.
I placed the box in the grass sitting next to the tombstone. I removed a purple coiled bracelet and sat it next to the box.
I tucked my legs under my body admiring the piece of jewelry.
“I brought you a bracelet,” I spoke. “It’s kinda like a friendship bracelet cause I have the other. I don’t know if I should leave it here in case someone steals it,” I laughed. “You’d have to be a real shitty person to steal from a cemetery though,”
I curse so often I didn’t realize I did it until I had already done it.
“Ah sorry! Excuse my French,” I chuckled.
“I met Natasha Romanoff and she said she knew you. She said she knew me too. I don’t remember her though…” I trailed off.
For someone who claimed to have a lot to say I sure was at a loss for words. I just didn’t know how to get any of them out.
“Oh! You’re not gonna believe me if I tell you but I got to meet some of the Avengers. Most of them were new though. You’d know some of them. Like Captain America I wanted his help but he couldn’t provide it,”
I had a bit of an episode when I was told no one knew where Thor was. I think it was justified though.
How the fuck do you lose two Avengers let alone the ones that can’t possibly be hidden. One is green and huge and the other leaves lightning bolts everywhere they go.
Mother, do you think they'll try to break my balls?
“The other is Natasha but I don’t think I really knew that yet. She went by Black Widow. I’m sure you knew that though. You probably know a lot,”
I wonder how many secrets she never told me about. I mean I could only imagine all the secrets working for the government would let you in on. Like she probably knew about big stuff like the Tesseract and aliens maybe she could’ve known about that.
“Okay I have a question. I have a lot actually but I think if you answer them I’m gonna get up and run out of here,” I joked.
“Number one is my middle name Natalia because of your SHIELD buddy? Like it might just be a coincidence but it could also be a godmother typa situation or something,”
It was a running theory. She would’ve known my mom before I was born. And if what I was told is true they’d be pretty close too and Natasha translates back to Natalia and I know she’s Russian. It makes sense.
Ooh
Mother, should I build the wall?
“Uh… there’s this boy,”
When was there not? It seems like there was always someone in my life. Carmen in therapist mode said it’s because I put my self worth into my relationship status.
“He’s really nice. Like really really nice. Nicer than anybody I’ve ever been associated with. It’s just he’s like…” I didn't know how to put the next part into words. “He’s just too nice. Too nice for me at least. Like he’s such a good person and I’m just me,”
“And it’s I feel bad,” I sighed. I was getting myself too worked up over this. “Like I keep playing like a game of tug a war with him where I let him in and kick him out again it’s tiring. I don’t even do it on purpose. I feel like we could be something maybe. But I can’t let that happen. I won’t let that happen. It’s a self defense mechanism. At least I think.”
I do it with everyone. I shut them out before they can get it. The less people you let into your life the less people that can walk out.
It’s a bulletproof tactic. At least I used to think it was. Never realized people could get hurt including myself.
“I saw dad,” I informed myself? I guess I’m not sure how healthy it is to have a conversation with someone you know can’t respond and isn't listening. “Like two days ago actually I didn’t say anything I freaked out and ran away. It made me think though,”
Mother, should I run for president?
Made me think about how I’d done so well on my own. Well I’m not gonna take all the credit, most of it was Carmen keeping my ass in line. I haven’t talked to her in a while. I haven’t talked to anyone in a while.
”I found a small studio apartment in Queens. It was the cheapest one I could find. I’m just renting it like an Airbnb right now. I need to find a permanent place and a job,”
I couldn’t find a permanent place at my age unless I had full autonomy which leads me to my next topic.
“So I was thinking about getting emancipated which everything would’ve been a lot easier if you were here then we could just go to court for custody cause you’d win for sure.”
Mother, should I trust the government?
“I know you never got to know how corrupt SHIELD was but do they like keep tabs on everyone who does anything to them or related to them? Because like I did a little snooping and I know they had files for all the Avengers and other people like Kingpin.”
I knew I was going to have to do more than sit here and ask a dead person what to do but ranting to someone who couldn’t spill my secrets was a start.
“I was just wondering how deep it went or if they had hidden stuff on me,”
Mother, will they put me in the firing line?
It’s probably common knowledge that if you mess with the government they’ll mess back. I’d like to think they were like bees. You leave them alone they’ll leave you alone. Only stinging when provoked.
But every branch of the government is like a wasp. They don’t die if they sting and they’ll sting you for no reason at all. They just like to see people in pain.
And I’m sure the energy research branch of SHIELD would probably be more than interested in a walking fire bomb that can move things without touching them.
I mean I’m not going to stop poking things around until I figure out what’s wrong with me. So might as well not complain.
“So I don’t have many things figured out right now and the whole you and SHIELD thing only confused me more so if you could just like come tell me what to do just this once that’d be great,” I laughed.
At first I was contemplating if this was weird or not but hearing me say that I now know this is pathetic. It always has been.
Ooh
Is it just a waste of time?
But I didn’t know if I should keep searching. Maybe I should just pretend like I’d never gotten introduced to the world of powers or mutations at all. For all I know Peter, Carmen, Felicia, Wade and I are just normal people who do normal people stuff.
Sure I wanted answers but I didn’t want to end up like those people who spend their whole life searching for an answer they won’t find any and end up never living at all.
Like a quote my mom used to say all the time “The brave may not live forever but the cautious do not live at all,”
She really just used it so she didn’t have to listen to being put on bed rest but it obviously had a deeper meaning and she knew that.
I keep finding myself stuck on that phrase. That and the whole when the dust settles poem.
I’ve been in a very poetic mood lately. I think it’s funny how anything could be considered poetry and something you relate too.
Like Twitter or any other social media and the ongoing gag of people feeling the need to announce the fact that they’re making moves in silence.
But that’s what I’m doing, making moves in silence. If anyone is in my business now I’m politely asking you to remove yourself from it before I make you.
“Uh I don’t know if I should even tell you this cause you died before it was even a problem in the first place but…” I blew out a breath digging my feet deeper into the ground.
“I’ve been clean for like two weeks now. Which is actually a thing I’m pretty proud of right now.”
I’d stopped using everything except weed, nicotine because those weren’t drugs and even then I used it way less than before. Oh, and my antidepressants too but that’s obviously okay they’re prescribed.
I hated the word clean made me seem like an addict which I wasn’t. I’m many things but I wasn’t an addict. I just didn’t know of any other words to use.
I wasn’t an addict but I’d say the lines between recreational use and dependency were blurring just a bit. I had gotten it straight though. I’m good now. The antidepressants are helping.
Hush now baby, baby, don't you cry
“You have a superpower of just making people feel better immediately. I don’t know if it was the fact you were my mom or what but if you even just put a bandaid on a stab wound it’d probably stop hurting and disappear,”
I wasn’t even exaggerating there was this one time I got hurt at the zoo and she just kissed it and I forgot about the fact that I even fell.
I’m not sure how true that is though because I couldn’t actually recall the memory I was just told about it by my mom a few years after it happened. So I guess I remember not remembering then being reminded. Weird.
“I wanna see the giraffes!” Aaliyah cried, stomping her feet down on the concrete.
This was one of the only times mom didn’t have to work on the weekends and Liyah had to have her way like always.
“Mom!” I screamed “Tell her you said we could see the lions first,”
She just sighed. “Well since she’s the youngest do you think you could be nice and let her go first please?”
“Fine,” I huffed. I wasn’t doing it for Liyah, I was doing it for mom. Even a blind person could see how tired she’d been lately.
Liyah laughed at me sticking her tongue out. She’s such a brat.
“You’re so dumb.” I rolled my eyes at her.
“I know you are but what am I ?” She teased hitting my shoulder before running away.
I took off after her. She may have been fast but I knew I could catch up to her.
I almost had her when my foot got caught on something. It launched me towards the ground and I put my hands down to catch myself but I still hit my knee.
I slid on the concrete scuffing my leg. I didn’t scream because that would make me weak and it didn't hurt that bad. I just bit my lip and stood up.
I didn’t want to limp but it hurt too much to put pressure on my leg.
Liyah had beat me back to mom and when I reached them she was already apologizing.
Fake.
She was just scared to get in trouble. I wasn’t gonna snitch on her anyways.
“Let me see it,” Mom asked, grabbing my arm, pulling me to sit down on a stonehenge.
She reached into her purse and pulled out a first aid kit. She always had everything in her purse. It was kinda like a super power. The black Marry Poppins.
She wiped the scrape with an alcohol wipe and I just barely hissed. It didn’t even really hurt anymore.
She placed a bandaid on it, smoothing her hands on top of it before placing a kiss there.
“There,” She wiped her hands on her thighs before standing up “All better?”
I nodded my head and we went off to see the giraffes because I’m nice like that.
“In case you were wondering, Aaliyah still always gets her way even now. I’d say she’s got me beat on the manipulation game honestly,”
It’s fine though I taught her everything she knows not everything I know. I could still get one over on her if needed.
Mama's gonna make all of your nightmares come true
“I found your pendant, the SHIELD one. Which I guess makes all of this real no matter how much I want it to be fake. I just want this to be a poorly written book where I wake up and the past five years were all a dream,”
God knows how much I meant that. Well maybe I didn’t mean it too much because some people I’ve met in the past five years are people I don’t think I could survive very long without. Even though I kinda exploded on everyone so maybe I’m gonna have to test my theory on how long I can really survive.
“Hey Doc,” I greeted pushing up the door of the restaurant.
“Hey sweetheart, how ya been?” He queried.
“I’ve been better,”
“I hear ya,” He nodded.
Once we were in the back of the restaurant aka his office. I pulled out the diamond. Doc knew everything about everyone and anything. He could also make a duplicate of anything you gave him.
“Whatcha got for me?” He asked, rubbing his hands together.
“This, I’m not sure what it is,”
I placed the bird pendant on the desk. I found it in a shoe box filled with my mom's stuff.
“I was wondering if you knew,”
He lifted it up to his eye to get a better view, His eyesight so bad that his glasses were practically a magnifying glass.
“It’s a crest, I don’t think I’ve seen this before it’s most likely from a government branch,” He placed it back down on his messy desk. “I can do some more extensive research for you if you’d like,”
“Yes, that’d be great,”
“Stop by again tomorrow and I’ll fill you
I wish I never went back to Doc’s place or found out about flash drive, Vulture, SHIELD, any of it. Just when I thought my life couldn’t get anymore fucked up the devil came out the woodworks and spit in my face.
Mama's gonna put all of her fears into you
“I remember all that testing they did after I agreed to do whatever Stark needed me to do sooo badly. I still don’t really know what he did- or he’s doing with all that DNA and other stuff he’d gotten from me,”
Aren’t the Avengers and by default Tony Stark products of SHIELD so wouldn't that mean whoever’s behind all of that could’ve been the one to tell Tony about the fire thing in the first place.
That had been the main thing about the whole Stark situation that I still couldn’t figure out. Someone needs to tell me how he found out and they better tell me now.
“There are multiple lacerations 1-2 inches lining the upper and lower abdomen,” The doctor lady announced to her assistant. Before moving her cold hand away from my side pushing my shirt back down.
Okay that’s chill nothing I haven’t had before.
“We’re gonna have to do another X-ray is that okay?” Her assistant asked. I wasn’t going to bother to learn their names. I was planning to stay that long anyways.
What’s the point? They’re just going to come back and say the machine is broken and then do another blood test.
“Yeah sure,”
I was led into a much bigger room than the last. There was much more machinery too.
I was strapped down to a cold blue cushioned table by leather straps. Straps weren’t really necessary, not like I was planning on lashing out and mauling anyone.
I closed my eyes when the flashes of the machine went off. Apparently I had fractured three of my ribs and bruised my sternum.
You’d think they’d let me go now but noooo they need more blood and then when they were done drawing blood.
They had to hook me up to a machine to monitor- I don’t even fucking know what they were monitoring.
I just know I had all the pads with wires on my temples and chest and everywhere else. It reminded me of that one time I had to do a sleep study.
Except they didn’t have holographs to read off and fancy probably government funded tech then. They sure as hell didn’t have all this whispering either. Or maybe they did and I was just unconscious.
Still I didn’t even want to actually be here and I was cold for once.
“How much long do we have here?” I groaned.
“Not much longer. We just have and MRI left,”
Yeah right. I was gonna be in here for the rest of my life
“I could probably go back there if I wanted answers,” I spoke quietly.
“But I don’t want the government in my business like that well at least just not more than they probably are already at least and the tests are so invasive,”
Mama's gonna keep you right here under her wing
That’s not the only invasive thing in my life. Or should I say was in my life? I don’t fucking care really.
My dad was somehow the strictest and the most lenient person ever. I think he just wanted control.
I used to blame his alcoholism for everything he did but no really he’s just a shitty person. A shitty person who likes to beat on women and take doors off the hinges.
“You are so pathetic!” My mom screamed at my dad.
They had been at this all night. For so long that I’m seriously contemplating jumping out of this small window right now.
Sapphire had no qualms sleeping on the cold tiles of the bathroom floor. Aaliyah and I however were still wide awake.
I’m not sure exactly what was going on in her head but I’m assuming we're still up for the same reason. To kill our dad if he even touches our mom.
I had a kitchen knife in hand as I sat on the bathroom sink. I always had a knife every time my dad started yelling a little too aggressively just in case but this time felt different. Like I was really prepared to stab him this time.
I didn’t know what it was but something felt off.
“Are they done?” Aaliyah asked, rubbing her eyes. The apartment had fallen silent.
“I don’t know. Stay here,” I hopped down off the sink.
I should’ve known she wasn’t gonna listen to me. The kitchen was empty which means they must’ve moved to their room.
The next moment was the sort straight out of a family sitcom except the family was falling apart and the kids were going crazy but otherwise it could’ve very well been an “oopsie” misunderstanding moment. Where the younger child asks “Are mommy and daddy getting a divorce?”
Then the oldest child pulls them into their body and whispers “I dunno kiddo,” or “No they’re just going through a rough patch,” anything like that.
Except it wasn’t that. That wasn’t what she said and that wasn’t what Aaliyah asked me.
God how I wish that was what she asked me.
I have a bad habit of acting before I think. I opened the door opening my mouth to let out the words in my brain.
“You’re dying? How are you dying?”
They both turned to look at me like they were just noticing they weren’t alone.
My mom sighed moving closer to me grabbing my arm.
“I’m- Im not no ones dying,”
The door creaked as Aaliyah pushed her way into the room.
“But you said ‘I need you to step up you need to know how to handle it when I’m dead’,” She paraphrased cleaning out the cuss words.
“It didn’t mean literally dying right now,”
Now I could see how this could be us just jumping to conclusions from like two sentences but she had been weird lately. Like she’s always traveled a lot and been secretive but lately she’s been extra secretive.
And I could tell the secret wasn’t to protect herself so whos to say it wasn’t the fact she was currently dying. It actually makes perfect sense.
I’m starting to wish I wasn’t always right. Stage 4 Lymphoma. Basically we should go coffin shopping pretty soon.
If only she wasn’t so selfish and would get treatment for it. She couldn’t leave me here by myself. Who’s gonna take care of us if she dies.
I’d thought about it before and I decided I’d take on the role of caregiver for my sisters but then it was only a what if situation.
Wade has cancer and he’s not dead but that’s only because he got pumped with like super drugs shit.
Now I just needed to find some super drugs and figure out how to get her to take them.
Fuck Cancer and fuck my dad. Why couldn’t he have gotten the diagnosis instead of my mom. A life for a life type beat.
I guess that wouldn’t have made for a good tragic backstory would it. And what fun is life without a tragic backstory.
My only question is when does the backstory end and when does the actual plot begin because clearly I’m not there yet. It’s only tragedy after tragedy.
Maybe that is my story, just pain and suffering. Someone has to be the butt of the joke.
She won't let you fly but she might let you sing
“You always told me to surround myself with people who you could block out the rest of the world with. Peter’s like that so was Olivia she was one of those people for me. When we weren’t yelling at each other or crying, I mean. Still wish you could’ve met her though,”
“AH YES!” I exclaimed, pumping my fist. “I found it,” I waved the joint in the air.
“Alright come sit down then,” Olivia laughed, patting the seat on the couch next to her.
“Shit,” I muttered. “Where’s the lighter?”
She just laughed at me again. Before reaching into my pocket and slipping it out. I couldn’t help but smile at how intimate that action felt for no reason at all.
I quickly and lightly pressed my lips to hers muttering a quick “thank you,”
About three minutes had passed and I could feel the weed taking course through my system.
My head was in her lap until I abruptly shot up gasping at the beginning of Super Rich Kids by Frank Ocean.
“Dance with me,” I pleaded it didn’t take much convincing because here we were twirling around. Although it was much more giggling than dancing.
I bumped my leg on the glass coffee table and immediately apologized making Liv and I laugh so hard I almost peed my pants.
I was laid out on the soft white fur rug with Olivia laying her chin on my chest. I ran my hands through her hair.
It was actually very easy there were no knots my fingers just glided smoothly through.
“I mean shit,” I breathed “I know I can’t run from the rest of the world forever but until then? Bitch you can call me Flash cause I’m zoomin’.”
She giggled at that before speaking up.
“You don’t have to run you can just stay here with me forever,”
Her words were so genuine it made me want to cry. She basically just said “I love you” in more or less words.
“You know what? I think I might,”
She gave me a tired smile, turning her head to place a kiss on the top of my breast.
I smiled back at her and how adorable she looked right now. I just want to kiss her for the rest of forever.
When I glanced back down at her I could hear her breathing slow and her eyes had fluttered shut. She was asleep.
I felt all warm and fuzzy and at peace and I couldn’t tell if it was the weed or if it was just being in Olivia’s presence.
I wasn’t ready to say these words to her when she was conscious yet maybe I’d never be ready but I’d say them now. Just to get them off my chest.
“I love you,” I whispered.
I never really felt comfortable saying that to anyone. Probably a result of not hearing it enough as a child or something. My family’s never been affectionate anyway. That’s fine because I wasn’t my family, I was my own person.
Stroking her hair gently before drifting off to the land of dreams myself.
So much for forever huh?
It’s funny to think how I took times like that for granted if only I knew those were some of the only moments of normalcy I’d get for a while. I’d spent too much time thinking about what could’ve been with almost everything.
So much so that I didn’t take much time to actually be. Now I feel like I’ve made it to the point of no return. Not mentally but like with everyone else around me. I think I pushed people too far away this time. Not so sure I could get them back.
“Uh I can't really remember what I’ve already told you so I’ll run through it all. This vigilante or superhero Spiderman started doing his thing then I got caught up in his mess.” That was most definitely an oversimplification but what do I look like telling my mom I was a well known thief. “Then his relation to Tony Stark got extended to me so now I kinda do stuff for him but I don’t work for him.”
I don't work for him he might think I do, but in reality he works for me. I had almost everyone at the compound wrapped around my finger.
“I don’t think I really wanna work for anyone. I was offered to be an Avenger in training but that isn’t really my style. I will use his gym though.” I rambled on.
It was kinda weird how easy it was to rant to my mom like this because not like she could voice her opinions about anything. I guess I hadn’t visited in so long that I forgot what it was like.
Mama's gonna keep baby cosy and warm
“Oh!” I exclaimed remembering a very important factor that I left out. “Then we have the whole Staten Island fiasco that I told you about. I remember telling you that. I’m still searching for answers on how I did that too,”
Like some real answers not that radiation BS.
“Your phone’s broken,” I pointed out the cracked screen sitting on the wood.
“Oh shit!” Peter cried “May’s gonna kill me this is the second phone I’ve broken this month,”
I came off way calmer than I was feeling. I’m surprised I wasn’t running around screaming right about now. I was probably just paralyzed in fear.
How do you react in a situation like this in the first place.
“Okay how long are we going to be sitting here? What are we waiting on?” We’d be up here looking down at the fire crackling underneath the pier for like 15 minutes now.
“I don’t know actually,” He sighed.
“Uh…”
How was I supposed to respond to that? That was the driest response to anything in the history of the world.
“Well since I’ve already pinky promised I won’t spill your secret can I ask some questions while we wait for you to figure it out?”
“Sure, go ahead,” He nodded, shaking his arms.
“Okay number one did you think I had died or something because if someone burst into flames in front of me I’d probably think Satan was coming for me. I’d cry too,” I laughed but had to stop myself as the stabbing in my ribs ran through me.
“No, I didn’t think you were dead, you had a pulse,” He pointed out “Maybe I could’ve thought you were dying though. And I wasn’t crying,”
Liar. He so was crying.
“Aw you don’t have to lie I think it’s cute,” I teased if I didn’t feel like my body was falling apart I might’ve poked his side.
“Alright, second question: do the webs like come out of you? Cause that’s kinda disgusting,”
“No, I make them with chemicals ‘n stuff. I’d explain the science to you but I’m not sure how much you’d care.”
I let out a small laugh knowing what feeling would come if I laughed too hard.
“I mean you could explain it ‘m just not sure how much of it I’d understand,”
We both laughed at that.
“On the topic of the webs what’s there integrity like how well do they hold up or like how long,”
“Uh…” He blew out a breath running his hands over his face “As far as I know they last up to two hours. That is unless someone cuts them or something,”
I couldn’t help but wonder if Thorn was one of those someone’s to cut the webs maybe I was the only someone. I didn’t really need to ask the question. Aaron had already answered the question for me when he told me about the deal at the ferry. I just wanted to see what Peter would tell me honestly.
I spent the rest of the night asking questions and cracking jokes. I was talking for so long I didn’t realize how late it’s gotten.
It should be a world record how fast I managed to fuck up 5 friendships. Well it’s my personal best at least. Only took like 4 minutes.
I feel like that’s all I do is just fuck up everything. I used to believe there was a difference between being fucked up and being a fuckup but the older I get the more I realize that there isn’t.
It’s like someone built a self destruct button in my head and every time something good happens to me I feel the need to run away.
Like Peter he’s literally perfect he's smart, respectful, adorable, and selfless. He’s literally a fucking superhero for godsake.
I was trying so hard not to fall asleep. I really was but all the Trigonometry chapter was doing was mixing with the sound of rain outside and triggering the urge to fall into a deep sleep.
“Okay,” Peter tapped his textbook with his pen. I wish I could be confident enough to do math with a pen.
“So sin is equal to the opposite of whatever angle you’re trying to find so first you have too…”
He droned on, I knew he was talking about the math problem lying on the bed in front of me but I wasn’t listening. Maybe if I sat at the desk I could actually be paying attention right now.
“Y/N?”
“Hmm?” I sat up on my elbows yawning.
“Are you tired?”
I just hummed again. Until I realized what the question was. I reached for my phone and it was already 9:03 that woke me up for sure.
“Oh shit! I gotta get back,”
Not like I’d get in trouble or anything but Carmen would get on my ass about the fact I didn’t come back when I said I would then she’d make something out of nothing.
I scrambled around trying to find all my things to put them back in my bag.
“Wait it’s raining though,” Peter pointed out.
“Yeah,” I chuckled “It’s New York it’s always raining,”
“Yeah but it’s cold and wet and dark so if you tried to skate you’d probably get hurt,”
I knew what he was doing and it was working because frankly all his excuses were shit because one I don’t get cold and two I could just walk and there are lights everywhere but I was gonna stay anyway. I was too tired to argue right now.
“May!” Peter shouted.
“Yes?” She called back.
“Can Y/N stay for the night?”
“Yeah if her parents are okay with it,”
That’s how I ended up wearing some shirt with some dumb science pun sitting on the couch watching Aladdin for like the millionth time ever. I was singing along to One jump ahead when I felt eyes on me.
I turned my head but before I could make eye contact with Peter he acted as if he was watching the movie the whole time.
“What?” I giggled. Fuck, I hadn’t like genuinely giggled in the longest time.
“Nothing,” He replied, turning back towards the TV again.
This time I was the one to stare at him wondering what was going on in his head. Not even the fourth song in and I was already yawning struggling to keep my head up.
This goes to show how much willpower I had because I couldn’t even stop my eyelids from falling shut. I deserved to sleep though I’d been exhausted lately.
There’s only like 6 people on this planet that I trust enough to fall asleep around and surprisingly Peter had become one with like 5 months of knowing me.
I would still trust him if given the chance I’m just not sure how much he trusts me right now. I understand though. I don’t deserve anyone’s trust.
Taglist:
@tomdiddlyumptious
#peter parker#peter parker fanfiction#peter parker x reader#peter parker imagine#reader x peter parker#peter parker drabble#Peter Parker x Vigilante!Reader#peter parker x you#peter parker x fem!reader#peter parker x y/n#peter parker x black!reader#peter parker x bi!reader#peter parker x bisexual!reader#peter parker x poc reader#peter parker x#peter parker x villian!reader#spiderman x villian#spiderman x thorn#peter parker x thorn#MCU x Y/N#mcu series#mcu x reader#mcu#Thorn Series#thorns prick
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Diabolik lovers Chaos Lineage: Shu Sakamaki (Story 14 + CG)
In terms of the gameplay: The black choices lead up to a bad ending, the white choices lead up to a good ending. Please no reposting onto other sites, ask me before translating this into another language too!
Place: Scarlet mansion — Living room
Shu: Ngh!
Kino: You know you can’t win with a brute force approach, right? Ha!
*Kino throws dagger*
Shu: Nn… ! I’ll make sure to fully deal with you exactly that way then.
Monologue
Kino-kun has been magnificently defending himself against Shu-san’s raised sword, and the space he created while doing so was used for him to counterattack with another dagger.
However, Shu-san was luckily able to step outside the danger zone Kino-kun’s attack created.
While I watch both of them fight, I secretly pray for them to stop, and yet none of both sides shows any sign of giving up.
Place: Scarlet mansion — Living room
Kino: Kch… you’re unexpectedly good… but how will you dodge this one!?
*Kino throws another one*
Shu: Your movements are monotony.
Yui: (Good, he avoided another attack… !)
Kino: Don’t act so full of yourself. Just because you’ve been sleeping everyday, you shouldn’t act so surplus with your strength...
Shu: Seems as if you’re slowly getting anxious. You mustn’t be good at proofing your strength, are you?
Yui: (Both of them seem to have equal strength, but they also seem to slowly run out of breath…)
(However, I still know Shu-san has at least some superiority. If he continues to fight in this state… !)
Kino: Tch… he’s really unexpectedly strong...
…That’s it. I think I came up with a good idea.
Yui: (Eh… Kino-kun… why is he looking over here now?)
Shu: ...Don’t tell me
Kino: I’ll make sure to take the most important thing from you first then!
*Kino throws dagger*
Yui: Kyaaa!?
(The dagger is flying right over here!!)
Reiji: Damn it!
Shu: Fuck!
*Shu protects Yui*
Shu: Are you alright… ?
Yui: Shu-san… !
Kino: Fufu… that’s no good. You make it even easier for your rival to get a chance!
*Kino throws another dagger*
Shu: Ngh… !
Yui: Shu-san!
Kino: Fufu… you still don’t have enough? I’ll deal with your wretched self until you can only crawl then!
*Kino throws two more*
Shu: Aghh!
Yui: Ahh, stop!
*blood drops*
Shu: Don’t… worry… it just cut the side… of my arm a little...
Yui: ...Nn! You’re obviously lying to me… Nn, you’re also clearly losing a lot of blood right now… !
Kino: Yes, Yes. And you even were close enough to finally receive your highly wished checkmate!
*Kino throws two more*
Reiji: Kch… !
Yui: Reiji-san…
Reiji: I am terribly sorry, I can barely protect you with my hand already being at its limit. I do not know whether or not I can repel them all...
As we are right now, we are the same as hostages. This place is now completely under his control, it allows Kino to aim for us at any point.
Yui: Nn, then the inside of this room is—
Kino: Have you considered escaping from here? If you’d like to get covered in a concentrated fire of daggers, why don’t you try it?
Yui: ….. ! You’re playing an incredible unfair game!
Kino: Whether it’s unfair or not, I wouldn’t want someone to cause a disadvantage with protecting another, while the others are on the wage of war.
It’s not difficult to understand that your brothers are merely hindrances for yourself now too, you should be aware of that by now, huh?
Shu: ...They’re a hindrance? Don’t be stupid...
I’m only here to fight you, for the sake of protecting those guys!
*Shu stabs Kino*
Kino: Aghh!
Yui: (He caught up to the distance Kino-kun created in an instant… !)
Kino: Ngh, how dare you do this...
Shu: You can’t only win with your pathetic sword technique. Even if I’m simile to a hostage that you can damage,
You should give up on clinging onto those useless delusions about being the successor to this old man’s powers.
Kino: Useless… ? What has been useless about it!?
What does a blessed person, who naturally has everything in his life, understand about any of this anyway… !?
You, who always had sheltered upbringing, and never experienced disgrace put over yourself!!
*Kino activates something*
Shu: Nn… !
Yui: W-What’s that!?
(Some sort of semi-transparent light is surrending Shu-san’s position)
*Shu falls over*
Shu: Ngh… you… what did you surround me with… Nn
Kino: This has been created by the church, it’s a magic spell that summons a talisman to catch a vampire while being chased.
Once a vampire is confined within this power, he’ll lose the strength to move.
I’ve been saving this in case of an emergency, since it’s limited to only be used once.
Shu: Why are you even possessing this sort of thing to begin with...
Kino: Who knows? This shouldn’t be worth worrying about now anyway, right?
Even if you try struggling with this magical spell on you, you won’t be able to pass through this barrier until a certain amount of time has passed.
Right now you’re as unable to move as a dartboard getting hit with darts!
*Kino throws dagger*
Shu: Aghh!!
Yui: No, stop it! Shu-san!
Reiji: Shu!
Shu: Nn… don’t come closer, Reiji!
That guy just waits to be able to aim for you as well… so don’t move an inch from over there.
Reiji: Kch… but!
Kino: Look, Look, I wonder how many you can take? I won’t allow you to die so easily on me, ha!
*Kino throws another one*
Shu: Ah… !
Yui: No! Stop it!!
(Shu-san’s whole body is completely stained with his own blood already… he’ll be killed if things continue to go like this!)
Ayato: That guy… why is he so desperately fighting, while also risking his life to protect us… ?
We’re enemies, and yet this shit doesn’t make sense.
Yui: ...Because you’re siblings...
Ayato: Hah?
Yui: I know you argue with each other every now and then, and I’m also aware of all the things that have happened in the past to you.
*Yui starts crying*
Yui: But, still… even if not all of you are related by blood, you’re still siblings...
Shu-san doesn’t want to lose anyone who's dear to him anymore… !
Ayato: ...What are you crying for now… ?
Subaru: Siblings that aren’t related by blood...
*weird sound*
Subaru: Ngh, kch… !
Yui: (Eh… ?)
*weird sound*
Ayato: Fuck… ! What’s this… Nn
Reiji: What is the matter with them!?
Yui: Now that you say it, everyone is… !
Shu: Shit… this barrier… sucks…
*Shu tries moving*
Shu: Ngh…
Kino: Hahaha! Must be awful to have no control over your body, but serves you right!
C’mon, will you be even more worn out when I send another dagger flying your way? I wonder if you’re able to avoid it this time!
*Kino throws another dagger*
Shu: Aghh…
Yui: Shu-san!!
(If this continues, Shu-san will…)
(I don’t want… I don’t want to see Shu-san get any more injuries than he already has… !)
Kino-kun… ! Stop this already!
Kino: You want me to stop at the most fun part of this all?
Moreover, it’s useless screaming. It already has been settled that this guy has lost this game.
You can’t do anything else other than stay silent, and continue to watch the show.
Choices
1) We won’t give in yet (white)♡♡♡
2) Please stop this (black)
— We won’t give in yet♡
Yui: This hasn’t come to an end yet...
Shu-san would never lose to anyone who only plays this sort of dirty tricks… !
Shu: ….. !
Kino: No matter how much of an idiot you are, can’t you see that I’m the winner of this?
Now that I’ve brought down Shu, I can finally become the king… I can finally become his successor. And I won’t let any of you be a hindrance in my way any longer.
Yui: That’s not true! I know Shu-san would never lose to someone like you. I know because he promised it to me...
That’s why I’ll keep believing in Shu-san, even if it’s until the very end… !
— Please stop this
Yui: Please stop this! If things are continuing as they’re now, he’ll die!
Reiji: Wait!
*Reiji grabs Yui*
Reiji: Did you forget the promise you have made with Shu?
Yui: Reiji-san…
(That’s right… I promised to believe in Shu-san, even if it has to be until the very end)
Shu-san… !
I still believe in you being able to win this, Shu-san!
Shu: Ahh… Thank you.
end Choices
Kino: Aren’t you sick of not being able to stop that farce by now? It’s really starting to annoy me.
I’ll make sure to crush your hope and aspiration all together then. You’ll witness all of it before your own eyes.
*Kino pulls another dagger*
Yui: (Nn, another dagger… Shu-san, please avoid it!)
Shu: Tch…
Reiji: No way… he cannot possibly stand up in his current condition… !
Yui: Such...
Kino: Now, let’s officially get rid of this pitiable appearance right in front of everyone!
???: Stop it!!
Yui: Eh…
Kino: Huh… ? Just now, who?
Ayato: Finally snap out of it already. You can’t just do whatever pleases you...
Shu: Ayato… ?
Ayato: What are you doing, man!? Hurry and get up!
Bastard, what sort of an elder brother acts as if his self-importance is worth being thrown away even after hearing this!!
Yui: ...Huh…
Shu: You remembered…
Yui: A-Are you sure?
Ayato: I sure am! When I saw that dull guy during the time I was worn out, it came together in my head...
I honestly got no idea about what’s going on or whatsoever. But even if I don’t, I seriously won’t forgive you if you lose!
Hey, Shu! Stop pitying yourself already, that’s an order!!
Shu: Ayato...
Kanato: That’s right, I’m very much close to losing my patience too. Didn’t we all refuse to come to this place to begin with?
Although Reiji was the one arranging this plan, why is it that such a thing happened… how unforgivable.
Laito: I at first thought skipping this sort of event, may end up being enjoyable. But I don’t feel like taking part in this game anymore.
Come on, big brother. Do your best for the sake of your younger brothers, okay?
Shu: Kanato… Laito…
Subaru: You haven’t lost as long as you didn’t die! Get yourself together and beat him! Shu!!
Shu: Subaru…
Yui: Did everyone… finally remember… ?
Reiji: It appears as if seeing Shu desperately fight in front of their eyes, triggered something that successfully brought their memories back.
That’s sincerely why he is an unpleasant person to me. That person must have fascinated the others with being so determined to its goal.
I sincerely get fed up thinking how I, myself… am no equal match to this man.
Shu: Fufu… those guys…
Kino: Why… their memories shouldn’t return back to themselves this easily, but yet they still managed to remember.
♡ Roses ♡
Shu’s shoulder: Seems as if I’m still the eldest son, no matter how much I’ve messed up so far.
Shu’s sword: I've not been defeated yet, so there’s no need to make such anxious expressions. Just keep staying behind me, even if anything unpredictable happens.
Shu: It’s strange. But maybe this is the true strength that lies between the siblings’ bond?
Kino: ...Ngh. This gives me the creeps… and yet, I won’t let you have your way!
Shu: If so, I’ll tell you something. I’ll bring you down in order to proof something to you.
— I’ll prove that this fight between siblings is over. And I’ll be the one ending it.
#Diabolik Lovers#diabolik lovers translation#chaos lineage#diabolik lovers chaos lineage shu sakamaki translation#diabolik lovers chaos lineage shu sakamaki#diabolik lovers chaos lineage shuu sakamaki#diabolik lovers chaos lineage shuu sakamaki translation#Shuu Sakamaki#shu sakamaki translation#diabolik lovers shu#Shu Sakamaki#sakamaki shu#kyouxa#reiji sakamaki#sakamaki reiji#kino diabolik lovers
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Say Something
(Or I finally grab my ailing old laptop and decide to write a longer version of the prompt: “Thorin keeps telling Bilbo how much he adores him in Khuzdul and Bilbo does’t know”)
1. Dwalin has had a long time to get used to Durin-caused bullshit.
Yes, he’s aware he’s ALSO a Durin. But his Amad was descended from the ruling family of the Broadbeams and he likes to think that he and Balin got the common sense and intelligence that ancient Dwarrow house was known for. Because Mahal only knew that the Durins didn’t have it. At all.
Case in point: Thorin falling furry arse over boots for that Hobbit.
So all right, Thorin showed uncommon good sense in that respect. Bilbo Baggins was a fine cook and the cookies would make any intelligent, self-respecting Dwarf fall on his knees and propose marriage on the spot.
(Okay, Dwalin didn’t, but that was because he took one look at his King and the Hobbit and just knew....)
But did Thorin have to go about the whole business like a complete clotpole?
Hence:
“Mahal’s balls, Thorin, REALLY?” So all right, he was sorry that he’d spewed ale all over poor Kili but the lad should really be better at ducking at dodging at this point.
Thorin’s suspiciously red ears were the real answer but his King had to snarl, “Shut it, Dwalin!”
There had been an argument. Something something Elrond, pointy-ears, not trusting them, better manners.... whatever. Master Baggins was apparently not the meek and mild little creature they had all taken him for and it was quite amusing to watch the wee one stand up to their grumpy stormcloud King.
Who apparently found it appropriate to blurt out, in Khuzdul: “Why are you so confoundedly irritatingly ridiculously ADORABLE, Hobbit?!!”
Master Baggins had no idea what was actually being said, but the Hobbit simply assumed, based from the surly tone, that Thorin was being Disagreeable and Rude. So he simply put his nose up in the air and responded with: “Bless and confound you too, Master Dwarf!” Then followed this up with a magnificently dramatic exit.
He did not see Thorin turn all the way red, nor the way Dwalin reached out to grab him by his collar because his royal Durin cousin was suddenly wobbly at the knees. Look, Thorin was an idiot, but he was still Dwalin’s king AND idiot. Durin-caused bullshit, right?
Also, Bilbo did not see or hear Fili grumpily handing a bag of coins to Kili.
All Kili said in response was: “Told you so, Fee. Absolute goober.”
2. About that bet - Fili and Kili were not stupid.
Yes, they were young. And occasionally made some silly decisions. But that came with the territory and a little silliness added some fun and excitement to one’s life.
But yes, the brothers both observed their uncle falling for their Hobbit.
The nature of the bet was HOW Thorin would go about wooing the Hobbit.
Fili was of the opinion that Thorin would behave in a manner befitting his status as a King and of the House of Durin. In short, Thorin Oakenshield would be every brooding, swoon-worthy, romantic hero in those Dwarrow romances that their Amad adored and that Fili claimed he never read (nope nope nope - never - what are you talking about).
Kili knew better. He knew his Uncle Thorin would be a complete and utter walnut. A total goober over their Hobbit.
And yes, Bilbo had become “their” Hobbit in very short order. The sons of Dis knew how to recognize a true treasure when they found it. So it was easy for them to adopt Bilbo Baggins as part of their family and had no problem telling him so.
Bilbo’s smile, the hugs he bestowed on “you dear, dear lads” and the extra portions of stew with mushrooms that they got for dinner that night, confirmed that it was the right decision. Also, who knew that mushrooms could be so amazingly delicious?
Bilbo giggled, “I’ll make hobbits of you lads yet. Or since you’re still dwarves, hmm... maybe dwobbits would be better?”
“Dwobbits?!!” was the exclamation of nearly every member of the company. Because of course they were listening in, the nosy buggers.
“Dwobbits,” Ori said thoughtfully. “Has a nice ring to it.” And of course, this immediately went into his journal.
“Dwobbits... that would explain much about the Line of Durin,” Balin mused. He twinkled at Thorin, whose ears were once again, that tell-tale shade of red. The erstwhile King of Erebor looked rather gobsmacked, as a matter of fact. “It has been said that Durin’s beloved was not a Dwarf...”
“Maybe all that hair that should’ve been on your face has gone to your feet, Kili, let me check...”
“Oi! Leave off, Fili!”
“If Mahal and Yavanna would bless us with dwobbits, I would pray that they would all have your beautiful curly hair and your adorable, kissable nose...” Thorin muttered absently in Khuzdul, not seeing the collective facepalming and coin-purse exchanging of the Dwarves close enough to hear him.
Bilbo, not understanding of course, frowned at Thorin, even as he absently separated the squabbling boys, gently cuffing them by the ears. “It’s a bit rude to be nattering about in a language one can’t understand.”
“No, Master Hobbit, I’m simply coming up with some suitable way to explain to my sister how I’ve finally tricked some poor unsuspecting soul into adopting this pair of scamps.”
“Oi!”
Bilbo calmly handed Thorin his own stew - with a generous helping of mushrooms - and said, “I’m sure you’ll manage, Your Dwobbit Majesty.”
Bilbo was going to learn Khuzdul eventually. In fact, he was fairly sure that “Irak’Adadith” meant “Hobbit.” Yavanna knew that Kili and Fili used the word to refer to him often enough.
Also, he was quite proud that he DID get all three royal Durins to enjoy mushrooms.
3. Nori and Gloin were sensible Dwarves and thus, they mostly contented themselves by running the various betting pools that had sprung up over the romance (yes, Mahal damn it, it WAS a romance and an EPIC one at that) of their King and Hobbit.
Hilariously, it was Bifur who kept winning most of the bets. It was almost as if the axe in his head granted him some sort of seer-related powers, enough to rival even Oin’s.
And yes, Oin was Gloin’s secret weapon as the canny old healer employed his gifts of selective hearing to gather all the needed information.
“Thorin Oakenshield, WHAT did you just call me? Bunnanunê? If that means ‘halfling’ - might I remind you, I am a HOBBIT and NOT half of anything, you confounded Dwarf!”
“My tiny treasure, eh?” Oin muttered. “He’s getting creative with the endearments.”
“Reminds me of my darling mizim and how I wooed her...” Gloin mused.
“Gloin, EVERYTHING reminds you of your darling wife,” said Nori.
“And so what if it does -- !”
Bifur interrupted the argument with a smug grin and a clear request for money. Yes, he won the bet again.
4. At this point, Bofur decided to start making toys for any future royal dwobbits. Bifur was quite, quite sure that Bilbo and Thorin would end up having a tiny, dark-haired and blue-eyed dwobbit at some point. Maybe there was something to the stories about Hobbits springing up from cabbage patches. Maybe Bifur really was developing Seer abilities.
In any case, “Uncle Bofur” would be happy to spoil any dwobbits with toys, while also aiding and abetting in mischief.
5. Look, Bombur did his part in all these shenanigans. He and Bilbo traded recipes throughout the journey and he was definitely NOT imagining the pink in Bilbo’s cheeks when Bombur gleefully disclosed Thorin’s favorite foods.
He also wasn’t above nudging the odds favorably when Bilbo invariably came up with something new and delicious that Thorin would enjoy. And yes, he was right there when Thorin inadvertently blurted out an utterly twitterpated marriage proposal to Bilbo that the Hobbit had mistaken for a “thank you.”
“You’re welcome,” Bilbo had said with a sunny smile. He wasn’t quite sure why Dwalin was suddenly at Thorin’s side at that point, but he did give them both second helpings of dinner.
He did chalk up Dwalin’s hand on Thorin’s collar as some sort of Dwarvish shenanigans (really, Dwalin and Thorin sometimes gave Fili and Kili a run for their money when it came to ridiculous mischief).
Bombur just beamed as he caught the money bags coming his way. He was actually second runner up to Bifur when it came to the betting.
6. There was an ongoing argument between Dori and Balin.
Balin was of the opinion that Khuzdul was still their sacred, Mahal-given language, and as such, could not be shared with non-Dwarves.
Dori was of the opinion that Bilbo was a true Dwarf-friend and for Mahal’s sake, SOMEBODY had to do something regarding the truly pathetic pining of their King over his Hobbit. Yes, it was romantic and adorable but really!
Somebody had to take Bilbo aside and get him to realize what Thorin was really saying, so that their poor king could be put out of his misery.
And anyway, the Consort-to-Be of the King Under the Mountain should really learn Khuzdul.
Of course, Balin was merely stalling, because he loved a good argument and he was storing up all these wonderful, wonderful points because he was a good adviser and wanted to aid Thorin in giving any old, conservative, useless, greedy nobles collective apoplexy.
He also knew that he could count on Dori in throwing any potential threats to Bilbo off the Mountain.
7. All right, Ori had enough of this insanity.
Really, he was as avid a Storyteller as Bilbo was and he simply couldn’t end this tale of fighting dragons, regaining Erebor, tricking woodland Elves etc. etc. with: “And our King Under the Mountain was a complete and utter walnut who let his Hobbit go back to his Shire without ever letting him know how much he was loved. The End.”
Yeah, nope!
So Ori waited and watched for his opportunity and Mahal deigned to bless his efforts.
They were all currently engaged in the tedious work that scribes and historians generally left out of the tales, but were still important in rebuilding Erebor. The scene was thus - Ori and Bilbo and Thorin Oakenshield and a pile of paperwork that needed to be worked on.
It was most peculiar how Bilbo turned pink as he watched Thorin Oakenshield pull out a pair of spectacles from his pocket and put them on.
“Is there something on my face, ghivashel?”
Oh. OH.
“Well, yes, there is. Something. On your face.” Bilbo flailed.
“Surely you’ve seen glasses before, amrâlimê,” Thorin teased.
“It is STILL not polite that you keep calling me all these absurd things that you refuse to translate,” Bilbo retorted.
And at that point, Ori was absolutely DONE. “I think I would like a pot of tea. Bilbo?”
Bilbo eagerly took the offered “out” and all but pulled Ori out of the room, both of them ignoring Thorin, who was definitely not pouting. Bilbo did assure the King Under the Mountain that he and Ori would return with tea for him as well. The not-pout was erased with a brilliant smile. Bilbo waved weakly at him even as it was Ori’s turn to drag him away.
As soon as they were safely out of earshot, Bilbo slumped against Ori. “Glasses, Ori. GLASSES.”
“I know, Bilbo.”
“How does he still look so MAJESTIC and HANDSOME in GLASSES? This is most unnecessary, Ori. This is RIDICULOUS. And why am I telling you all this? I’ve gone and lost my mind, that’s it. Mad Baggins, Mad Bilbo Baggins...”
“There, there, Bilbo. If it helps, he feels EXACTLY the same way about you.”
“Don’t be ridiculous - he’s your King and -- “
“ Amrâlimê means ‘my love,’ Bilbo.”
“What.”
“Ghivashel means ‘treasure of all treasures.’ They’re endearments. Words of love. Every last one of them.”
“WHAT.”
Ori smiled. And anyone else who would have seen the smile on the quiet little Scribe of Thorin Oakenshield’s Company would have called it bright as the sun and terrible as the sea.
“I’m going to teach you Khuzdul, Bilbo Baggins.”
8. There was something comforting in confessing his love using his mother-tongue.
Thorin Oakenshield was quite resigned to the fact that he had lost any hope of gaining his One’s affections after the whole debacle with the Arkenstone and the dragon sickness. Yes, apologies were made and yes, the friendship had been mended.
And yet, Thorin was too shamed, too angry at himself to even ask for more. Bilbo had his home in the Shire, his books, his armchair and the memories of his family. There was an acorn in his hobbit’s pockets that deserved to be planted at Bag End.
Bilbo deserved all that, his own happily ever after. Thorin could never be part of that. He didn’t deserve it.
“I wish you would stay with me forever,” Thorin said one day, as he and Bilbo sat together by the hearth in the King’s own private rooms. He smiled as he shaped the words in his language and prepared to give Bilbo some excuse, a chance to banter and tease.
“I want to stay with you forever,” Bilbo suddenly said in near-perfect Khuzdul. “But you have to tell me why, Thorin Oakenshield.”
Oh, Mahal. Mahal have mercy on him.
“Please say something... ghivashel. Amrâlimê.” His darling Hobbit had turned this enchanting shade of pink and suddenly, Thorin found his words, the right words, at long last.
“Because you’ve had my heart all along, Bilbo Baggins.”
Also, kisses had to be done here. Because hearing those words from his Hobbit’s lips meant kisses, kisses that were eagerly returned, that had Hobbit hands twining in his hair and Thorin murmured a heartfelt apology as he saw tears gather in Bilbo’s eyes.
“I love you too, you confounded, ridiculous Dwarf.”
9. Bilbo eventually learned that Fili and Kili had been calling him “Little Uncle” the entire time. He laughed, he cried and then gave the boys extra helpings of pie for dessert.
A certain Dwobbit with curly dark hair and big blue eyes would always love the stuffed plush dragon that his Uncle Bofur made for him. Yep, Bifur won the betting pool again.
No, Fili and Kili absolutely did NOT have furry feet. But yes, they were proud to be Dwobbits of the Line of Durin.
Gloin had to be reminded that the Line of Durin tended to find their Ones in the most unconventional ways. This was the only logical explanation as to why his darling Gimli would eventually end up married to Thranduil’s son, Mahal save them all.
Many, many generations later, it was said among the Dwarves of Erebor that leaving knitted things and flowers at the feet of the statue of Ori, the Scribe of Thorin Oakenshield’s famed Company, would lead to blessings and luck in love.
- end -
#thorin you walnut is the best goddamn tag i’ve ever found - you guys are AMAZING
#bagginshield#thorin oakenshield#bilbo baggins#thorin you goober#fili and kili#dwalin#ori is a BAMF#i crack what i want
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Hiya! I saw your blog and was interested in asking for a romantic matchup! You can involve nsfw if you would like.
My name is Ronan, my nickname is Ro, my most used pronouns are she/her/he/him. My sexuality is demi-sexual meaning I don’t get sexual attractions to people unless I have formed a strong emotional connection with said person. My zodiac is Scorpio (that’s pretty much all I know about that lmao) also my personality is ISTP-T
Starting with my mental trash I have a VERY low self esteem. I never liked the way I look and probably never will. I suffer from chronic depression that’s pretty much taken over my life. I have a very hard time with social cues and can come off as an asshole most of the time and I’m extremely blunt. People tend to think I’m cute since I’m fairly small; I’m a 5’3 Nordic female with thicker thighs. I am absolutely OBSESSED with The Legend of Zelda franchise, it’s been apart of my life for as long as I can remember. I’m pretty musical; I play bass, drums, and sing. I also voice act so that’s really fun. Not gonna lie I say I have a huge ego but really I just hate everyone. Having depression I mostly lock myself in my room and work on my art.
How I look: I have black/brown hair in a boy cut. I have big round hazel eyes, my face is round with slightly chubby cheeks and freckles. I want to get my lip pierced but sadly have not gotten to that yet.. My fashion sense is kinda everywhere but I typically go for the cottage core aesthetic. I love muted nature ish colors, I think they look so pretty. I love to go on long walks and sit alone at my local park. I find being alone outside very calming. When I’m not outside or in my room I’m mostly playing video games with my friends and kicking their ass. Believe it or not I used to do boxing but now I just lift weights and workout some. I have a long history of physical illnesses that really render my body kinda useless so I always try to strengthen myself up however I can. I spent most of my childhood in the hospital due to these illnesses. I have been homeschooled my whole school years but I taught myself German, Japanese, and computer science. I actually have a job around it. I’m terrible at explaining my feelings and asking for help so telling people I love them is a huge chore for me. A lot of the time you can find me alone singing to myself with my eyes closed daydreaming.
I love to read. My friends say I’m really boring but whatever. OH I’ve always wanted to be a DJ. I know its a really weird dream but it just looks so cool. Nobody ever expects the sick quiet girl to want to be a DJ. Speaking of shy I’m a huge introvert if you couldn’t figure that out already. I’m extremely shy, don’t talk to me I’ll run away or you’ll be enveloped in my Zelda talk. I have amazingly crazy music taste (according to my mom) I listen to mostly heavy metal and Corpse Husband.
NSFW: Huge HUGE brat. You want me to do something? Yeah fuck you. I’m a huge sub you can pretty much do anything to me. I have a big daddy kink like please let me call you daddy UGH. Also praise but degrade me at the same time? Please thanks. I’m also a pillow princess. Um um ddlg yes thanks.
I match you with…..💖BEN_DROWNED💖
NSFW bellow~
OK OK I KNOW I KNOW, DON’T @ me for picking Benny boy for you Ro. I just think it’s the right fit. Let me start off with the whole depression thing, BEN relates to locking himself in his room and hyperfixating on something. At least you’ll have a gaming buddy to get you through it. Plus, he’s a very competitive guy. Get him to not cheat and you will have fun for hours. Not to mention you sound a bit like Jeff in the way that you can come off as rude. BEN and Jeff are pretty good friends, so you’ll make a wonderful partner for BEN.
Voice acting? BEN will love that, he’ll try to get you to do different characters from his video games or even anime characters. He loves your chubby cheeks, likes to squish them and make them puckered and then give you kisses. It’s quite adorable. Zelda talk? Yeah you don’t need to worry about him running off about that.
BEN will be obsessed with the cottage core, probably likes those little white flowy dresses. Maybe one day wear those elf ears and surprise him, I think he’d think it’s cute. You should definetly do his makeup, put that holographic glitter on his cheeks and some hair clips in his hair- maybe a skirt if he feels up to it.
BEN is very understanding about your illnesses, in fact he would be super impressed that you even lift weights. And is so so supportive about you wanting to be a DJ. He gets excited and calls over Jeff to show him. He’s not very shy about saying I love you, maybe the first time but after it’s constant affection.
For the smut! He can get rough sometimes, loves the daddy kink. He’s the type to soak all that up like a sponge. Praises you for taking his cock so well but will call you pathetic for making those noises. Probably wants you to wrap your thighs around his head and suck your clit for hours, he likes to feel you cum.
Ok Ok I hope you enjoyed that! I love how you have a big ego and then- low self esteem, sounds like me. I literally hate myself so much and then… holy shit I’m the hottest person alive. I know what depression is like, those thoughts just wrap around your throat and choke the life out of you, and it’s not even fast. It’s every day just heavier and heavier, dragging you down and making you feel horrible. I mostly lock myself in my room too, but writing helps me through it. I love love love your hair, boy cuts are so cool. And get that lip piercing! IT WOULD LOOK AWESOME. I love that you’re talented in music, I wish I was musically inclined. Scorpios are so cool, like I said, my best friend is one and so I LOVE YOU GUYS.
I am so incredibly proud of you, homeschool and then the illness stuff must be so hard but you are so strong for going through it. You don’t deserve it but sometimes life works that way. It’s ok to be shy and introverted. For the record, I think you would make an awesome DJ. DO it, I believe in you, so should you. I mean we all have our passions, work hard enough and I promise you’ll get there. I used to write a lot about my feelings and nobody ever read it, but I continued and look where I am now! Im so proud of myself for having this account, and you for being ALIVE. Thats all you need to do, you don’t need to be cool, or popular or skinny to be an amazing person.
Ro, I swear you are an awesome person. I can clearly see it, and I promise one day you’ll look in the mirror and think the same. If your friends say you’re boring they aren’t your friends. They sort of suck because reading is so cool. Without readers I couldn’t be a writer now could I? I believe in you. I know you can do it. Lifting weights is so badass I couldn’t even- I can barely do 5 pound weights man. Ya know I believe that the people who go through the most pain and sadness are the ones who will be the happiest in the end. The universe has to give us back what we lost, there is balance in everything and pain is only temporary. Everything is temporary. So I promise it’ll be ok man, and hey, you’re valid. I see you ro, and I know that you’ll make great places someday.
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Eeeeeeee!!! Congrats on ten years!! I am having FEELINGS about this! All of your OCs are my favourites and I am so grateful for Stingrae’s support. I would commit CRIMES for a rewrite of GG, but mostly I want to know whether you have any favourite things you want to share? <3 <3 <3
Thank you Polly!!!! <3<3<3
We all owe Stingrae so much I stg.
I would also probably commit crimes for a rewrite of GG but frankly that’d still involve me having to WRITE it so idk if it’d help. XD
Oh jeez MY favorite things??? Uhhhh okay let’s see...
The fact that I am STILL loving this story and very devoted to it even after years, many of which were just radio silence. I knew that I was the slow and steady type, but it’s nice to have confirmation. XD
The fact that when I started writing this fic I was younger than Lu Ten is at the beginning, and now I am older than he’ll be at the end. Jk that’s not a favorite thing it’s just a pathetically hilarious thing forgive me lol. XD
I think I was one of the first people to say “actually Lu Ten would kind of be an imperialist jerk” long before I knew the term “imperialist”
ALL THE HISTORY AND CULTURAL THINGS I’VE LEARNED FROM RESEARCHING FOR MY FICS. I learned a lot of history as a kid but good curriculums on Chinese history just didn’t EXIST back then, or at least didn’t exist in the homeschooling catalogs my mother was able to access, so it’s really nice to have a hobby that also helps me learn stuff.
Huang and Wu Sheng. I love them so much and I’m very proud of them and how they always catch new readers’ attention because they are NOT what you’d expect of Dai Li agents. I can’t wait to expand upon them and their backstories in upcoming fics.
Shirong, and how people can’t decide if they love him or hate him or relate to him or all of them at once. XD
The fact that, ten years later, people have FINALLY STOPPED ASKING ME if I took Shirong from a certain other fic, because the idea of different writers looking at the same baby name lists is a foreign concept :P
Literally everything about the Preservation Branch, I’m so proud of my dumb museum guards
The fact that it’s been so long since I first wrote GG and I’ve written so much other stuff since then that a lot of things people REALLY wanted elaboration on back in the day (Enlai, Huang and Wu Sheng) have kinda fallen to the wayside. I get a lot more questions about Nanyue and the Dai family now. The passage of time sure is funny!
Just the fact that I was actually able to write Gilded Green at all. Like. It’s hard to explain. But I had to grow into my writing. Or my writing style, or approach to writing...idk what to call it. But this thing I do? With the worldubilding? And the OCs? And just the careful web of....stuff? I always wanted to do that, even as a kid, I grew up on massive stories like Star Wars and Lord of the Rings with crazy worldbuilding backgrounds and deep meanings and elaborate politics and I could not figure out how to tell stories like that myself.
I remember being 12 years old staring at a bunch of concepts for an original fantasy idea I had and realizing that I had no idea how to make them work because I was too young to understand how the world worked. I remember deciding to shelve that whole story because I realized I didn’t even know what I didn’t know. Tolkien and Star Wars didn’t really explain how the worldbuilding happened, it was just THERE and I couldn’t figure out how to make it appear for myself, it wasn’t exactly easy for a child to figure out. Sometimes I envy kids these days who’re growing up with, like, Elena of Avalor, that show lays out some FANTASTIC political responsibility concepts in ways kids can understand, I could’ve used that as a kid.
I was also crap at understanding how people actually interact with each other and just....had all these issues with figuring out how to make a story work, not at the writing level, but on a my-understanding-of-the-universe level, which was kinda humbling and also kinda scary. And some of that was youth, and some of that was undiagnosed ADD making it so that I just didn’t Get Things, but either way when I tentatively started writing GG and realized that wait, I think it’s making sense, and the characters are interacting and it’s not weird, and I think I’m GETTING it, omg, AM I GETTING IT??? That was a great feeling, even if it did feel like I was balancing on a tightrope.
ALSO the way in which you can KINDA track me slowly going from raised-in-a-conservative-Christian-environment to WELP-I’m-queer-and-pretty-progressive-now over the course of my writing, tho that may be hard to see if you don’t know what you’re looking at. I can see it tho, lol. I was fortunate in that my upbringing was just kinda incidental because my mother was too tired to consider any other approach to life, and as time went on my family all actually grew into very different, much better people. I was kind of the trailblazer in that regard tho (not fun) and frankly it was fanfiction that helped me get over my queerphobia and internalized misogyny, and it was the racebending protests that cropped up around The Movie That Shall Not Be Named that made me start to realize how racism actually worked and what cultural misappropriation was. If you squint you MIGHT be able to make out where in my stories I started getting excited over my newfound beliefs and started frantically shaking more sexualities over my characters like “I have GOT to de-heteronormative-ize this” XD But yeah this fic has been a big part of my life and you can see me changing as a person if you know where to look.
MY OCs. The fact that my OCs win people over so well! I had a very volatile relationship with OCs in my youth - self-inserts were A Thing Of The Devil in fandom back then and were to be mocked. I was, I’m semi-sorry to say, part of that crowd - never flamed anyone directly, because I was raised to Not Be Mean, but I joined in on the mocking on private message boards. These days I look back on my youthful indiscretions with eye-rolling fondness, because I can now see how much internalized misogyny I was dealing with and I’m very much over the whole idea of Mary-Sues. But the community I was with did actually have a lot of GOOD writing advice as well, and it was a fun group of people, so I can’t fully regret my time there. When fandom drift eventually caused me to float away, I took those lessons on what made an OC annoying and useless with me, and when I started writing OCs of my own, I made sure to go in the opposite direction. It really seems to have paid off!
The fact that I’ve managed to collect a small but loyal following and see the same names popping up after I post something. I don’t think I could handle being a BNF, but knowing that I’ve got a dozen people who consistently read and enjoy my stuff? That’s so cool. <3
There’s a LOT of other stuff, really, but off the top of my head...here you go! <3
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A Character Analysis on Pan
A small character analysis/defense on Pan (spoilers up until EP. 11)
Before I begin talking about Pan, who was also crying buckets after EP. 11 aired?? SERIOUSLY, the actors in this show are ALL phenomenal. Every single character that cried this episode, made me want to fcking CRY A RIVER.
After watching this episode, I honestly loved how well thought-out every single character was written, including Pan. However, when I was scrolling through the comments I was actually quite surprised that there were a handful of people who actually disliked Pan. I think everyone is pretty much entitled to their opinion, but I would like to take a closer look at who Pan is and why she does the thing she does.
To start, let’s focus on Pan’s insecurities.
Pan is someone who feels like she is undeserving of love. Someone who feels like she’s not enough. I think at one point in our lives, we all felt this way. The feeling of never being enough to anyone, lacking the courage to do what we really want to do because we feel as though we are inadequate.
It’s also the key reason why I think Pan escapes to the fantasy world. A world where she can freely ship the person she likes with anyone she wants - her small happy space. The crazy fanfics, the over the top shipping, isn’t it to distract herself from her own pain? When you break it down, isn’t that like most of us? Watching movies, reading fanfics, reading books, it’s like a break from our own mind and immersing ourselves into something else. Yes she’s a crazy fangirl, but she’s, as cliche as it sounds, very human.
It’s also why I love Pan (and in extension Soda). Fangirls in films (AND IN REAL LIFE) are always displayed as crazy lunatics with absolutely no brain cells, and yes, there are people that are extremely intense, however that’s NOT the majority. Yes, Pan and Soda can be over the top with their imagination, but their intentions were never to hurt anybody. So, the moment their fanfic caused a problem, Pan apologized to whom it directly hurt.
I think this scene in particular showcases one of Pan’s strong points but also one of her weak points. She is someone who wants to do the right thing (note on the word: want). However, what she thinks is the right thing to do can very much backfire on her.
This leads to one of the main reason, I think, people don’t like Pan. The way she makes decisions in Kim’s body without his consent.
This is where people’s opinions diverge, while you can state that Pan is a selfish character for doing whatever hell she wants in his body, I would argue otherwise.
Let’s be clear: Pan never asked to be put into Kim’s body.
From the start, she didn’t want it. She actively protested against it and continually said it throughout the series.
You could argue that just because she never asked for it, doesn’t mean she should do the things that could hurt others.
And, I would say you’re right.
In EP. 10, Pan decides to reject Way’s confession as Kim. In retrospect, she shouldn’t do that because the person Way confessed to was Kim, not Pan.
However, Pan thinks this is right way to handle this affair. Dating a guy that dates his teacher while also cheating on various exams, isn’t exactly someone she pictured her crush, Way, to be with.
In all honestly, she’s doing this because the good guy she believed Kim to be, wasn’t all that squeaky clean. From the very start, Pan has stated she wanted Way to be with someone good.
After she finds out Kim isn’t exactly a good guy. She becomes persistent in rejecting him.
until...she’s proven wrong.
This is one of Pan’s greatest trait. The ability to reflect on her mistakes and making attempts to make amends.
The moment she realized that her perception of Kim was wrong, that she doesn’t have the whole picture, is when she corrects herself.
She does what she thinks is right. She gets it wrong. She works to make it right again.
I admire this about Pan.
When I was a teenager, the amount of things that I got wrong, the things I didn’t correct, but should’ve still linger on my mind. If you’re still a teen and think that you haven’t made mistakes or that the morals you hold now will forever be the same, I would say - wait. The more your world broadens, the more you realize that you were being quite small-minded. When I think about my past, I think there were people I should’ve apologized to properly, people I should’ve treasured more dearly and people I should’ve tried to understand better.
And Pan, a teenage girl manages to do just that.
Pan is not a flawless character by any means, but to call her a character that is selfish and stupid undermines her strengths. If she was truly a selfish character, she would’ve rejected Way even when she found Kim wasn’t as bad as she thought he was.
Pan is someone who cares, she cares a whole lot.
EP. 11 hits on this point even further.
Khet, our resident observer, says this about Pan.
“You should stop thinking about other people.” THIS.
If you don’t believe Pan is actually someone who is selfless from ME, at least believe it from our resident softboi-goodboi-deserves a happy end boi, KHET.
When we get to the climax of the story, Pan has to choose whether to be in her own body or pretend to be Kim for the rest of her life.
And she is conflicted, extremely conflicted.
Sure, it’s easy to say, “she should just go back to her own body”...but the reason she decides against it is all the more heartbreaking.
The first reason being Kim’s family.
Kim has a family that needs and loves him. Something Pan notices firsthand. She watches Khet suffer, believing fully that his brother is gone and that he can no longer rectify the relationship he has with his brother.
Pan has stated prior that Khet was always someone that was by her side when she was troubled.
Even in this particular episodes, he tries to hold a calm front in front of her, only to bawl when she’s not looking.
Pan recognizes this and seeing the person who’s been comforting her this entire time is something she doesn’t think light of.
The second reason...is her own family.
This part had me on the verge of tears.
Pan’s only family, is someone that’s not even blood related to her. Her mom and dad aren’t around anymore and the only person she can call family is her step-dad.
However, she never fully acknowledges him as her dad...because of her guilt. The guilt that she’s a burden and someone who shouldn’t exist. Knowing that her existence is causing everyone to suffer, isn’t an easy pill to swallow.
The moment Pan realizes that her step-dad is suffering and that he’s in debt because of her medical fees, the guilt only gets worst.
The only person she can call family, is the person she’s hurting the most. The feeling that if you didn’t exist would make things better for the people you love is one of the most painful realizations.
Even if you know that they care, even if you know they’d want you alive. That doubt, even that 10% chance that they’ll live an easier life if you weren’t around, will always be in the back of your mind.
And that’s exactly what Pan thinks.
She can’t help but think that if there’s a chance she could stop being his burden, maybe he’ll get a second chance a life.
A life where he doesn’t have to hold back for her.
This leads to her conclusion:
She sees that Kim has a reason to be alive.
He has a family to take care of.
He has a brother to make amends with.
He has someone who is waiting for him.
And Pan?
If she returns in her body, the only thing she’ll be is a burden to the one person she calls family.
Through her confliction and confusion, Pan has determined that Kim has more reasons to live than her.
Fortunately, there is one person in her life that argues otherwise.
Khet (I love him so much and whoever doesn’t like him, I don’t get you on a personal level. I can make another post abt him too), calls Pan out on her insecurities.
He asks her if she thinks she’s not important.
This topic has been touched upon throughout the series. Pan’s lack of self-confidence and believing that she isn’t good enough.
Haven’t most of us been there? Feeling insignificant, feeling pathetic and just...plain ol’ useless.
Again, Khet reiterates this...
Pan...is thinking about what’s right for everyone.
She really is.
A selfish act is something you do for yourself, but is giving up on her body to be Kim something a selfish person does?
Khet instantly recognizes this and calls her out on it.
But that’s not what gets Pan to do anything. It’s when he says this:
It’s when he says this, that she thinks about what she should do for Kim.
Her next action was to rectify the situation between Kim, Way and her. To make sure Way understands what is happening (and boy is this boy clueless LOLL).
Let me clearly point out that her next point of action was not for herself, but to figure out what is the right thing to do for Kim.
Again, solidifying her selfless nature.
I would even go as far to say that the two selfless characters in the show are actually Pan and Khet. The way those two try to look out for one another is quite sweet.
To end this rather long character analysis (i swear i was going to make it short LMAO), Pan is a well-written character.
From her wild antics to her insecurities, the writers clearly depicted a life of a fangirl.
A little intense, but sweet nevertheless.
Pan, I believe is a self-less character, doesn’t know her strengths or self-worth but always tries to do what she thinks is right. It’ll go wrong, she’ll fuck up, but her heart is always at the right place.
I love her a lot and I hope more people appreciate the character that is Pan!
#the shipper#theshippertheseries#the shipper khet#the shipper kim#the shipper pan#the shipper way#the shipper soda#khetpan#ohm pawat#prigkhing sureeyaret#first kanaphan#fluke pusit#piploy#thaidrama#gmmtv#mypost
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I live-blogged watching BvS and Justice League on FB earlier; here are my unedited thoughts. :P
Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice
I'm watching Batman V. Superman (because bad movie night I guess idk), and during the opening scene rehashing the Waynes' deaths (for what feels like the millionth time in cinematic history--seriously, y'all, we can be done with that for a while and definitely don't need a 5 minute slow-motion scene about it), when Thomas says Martha's name as they're dying, I burst out laughing because (i) I didn't remember that he said her name during this scene and (ii) is this supposed to be some kind of foreshadowing for the really dumb crux of the movie where Batman and Superman stop fighting because omg their moms have the same name? I literally can't stop laughing. This movie is such a joke. 🤣
Having the Robin costume in this film with absolutely no context is just stupidly pointless fanboy pandering. Anyone who actually gives a crap about Batman lore should realistically hate that.
Lex Luthor, one of the richest and most powerful men in the world, bitching about not having power is definitely on brand, but I am just super *not* a fan of the quirky, kind-of-nerdy-and-awkward Lex Luthor this film decided to go with. The hardcore businessman Lex Luthor from the 90s and 00s will always be the Lithor I like best. Y'know, the one based at least in part on Donald Trump. That one.
This Jesse Eisenberg version is way too much of a Mary Sue. Businessman *and* scientist *and* awkward nerd? Yeah, Jesse Eisenberg played Mark Zuckerberg, but I'm not sure Lex Luthor should be Mark Zuckerberg.
Ugh, I totally forgot about the Darkseid-foreshadowing dream that's never going to go anywhere because, let's be real, DC is never going to do a live-action film with Darkseid (and it would be awful even if they did). Also, Batman using guns in that dream is a thing I'll never be cool with. I don't care what kind of world he thinks he's living in in that dream; Batman has established principles and pretty much only goes against them in alternate universes.
Jesus, I forgot about the whole Flash-from-the-future scene, too. DC wrote a lot of checks we're never going to be able to cash in this film. Promising an Injustice-esque Superman-is-evil kind of storyline that they're never going to do anything with...why would they do that?
So in the dream, Darkseid-related stuff is going on (which, in Justice League, does sort of happen with Steppenwolf) and Superman says "she was everything to me, and you took her away from me." Then future-Flash says that "Lois is the key". Are they implying Batman has premonitions? Are they giving him a superpower? 🤣
Oh, that's right, they blew up the U.S. Capitol in this movie. 🤣 These scenes that are supposed to be really serious and filled with tension just keep making me laugh.
Why did they decide Batman needed to make a kryptonite spear? I mean, other than plot reasons so they could use it later against Doomsday. Batman uses projectiles and his fists; he rarely uses swords or spears or whatever.
Why did they decide Doomsday had to be created using a mixture of Kryptonian and Luthor's DNA? In the comics, Doomsday is an experimental clone based on ancient Kryptonian DNA. Why (in my opinion) make Doomsday so much more pathetic by adding human DNA into the mix? Freaking weird decision.
"Mm." What a weird quirk to add to Luthor's character. "Mm" every other sentence. What's that all about?
Luthor manipulating Batman into fighting Superman is...so unbelievable. Luthor manipulating Superman to hate Batman, waaaaay more believable. But no, that's not what they went with. They went with Luthor manipulating Batman for two years into wanting to fight Superman. Superman just randomly came to hate Batman on his own and only got manipulated into fighting him at the end. They could have just gone with hey, Batman's suspicious of everyone and would naturally be suspicious of a superpowered alien, especially with the whole setup they did at the beginning that coincided with stuff from Man of Steel. But nope. Nope, they went with the dumber plot.
Doesn't Luthor have way too much info about all these heroes' secret identities? Are we just pretending secret identities don't matter anymore? That's too 90s or something?
Why does the kryptonite spear make an "omg I'm a glowy thing" sound? 🤣
And now we're at the stupid Martha part that makes no sense because if you were about to die, you wouldn't say "save [mom's name]"; you would just say "save my mom!" 🤣
Batman would totally save Superman's mom even if their moms didn't have the same name. It's just such a stupid, stupid plot point and lends itself to endless mockery. 🤣
I *do* like this fight scene where Batman is making his way through the goons to get to Martha. The choreography is really good. Reminds me a lot of the Arkham video games.
Man, this Doomsday just...doesn't really work on a fundamental level. What makes comic Doomsday so powerful and terrifying is (i) it's not just a mindless monster, but is actually intelligent and can plan and strategize; (ii) iwas created through such extreme experimentation that it was repeatedly destroyed and then remade again over and over and over to give it endurance and formidably; (iii) and it's pretty much unstoppable from all that experimentation and uncontrollable because of its intelligence.
Also, what's with this explody thing Doomsday does in this film? A monster can be terrifying without being able to blow up a bunch of stuff. I'm not sure what the point of explody Doomsday is other than lazy writing.
The military hit it once and came to the conclusion that not only does it get more powerful "every time we hit it," but also that it's unkillable? Okay. More lazy writing.
And we're back to one of my biggest issues with Man of Steel: Superman just not giving a shit about collateral damage. Even if the island they're on is uninhabited, that doesn't exactly mean he should just be fine with blowing a bunch of shit up in the course of this fight. Sheesh.
How did Lois know they needed the spear again? She had no reason to go underwater to try to get it. This whole "let's make Lois useless time and again so Superman can save her" thing is really annoying.
Superman's "death" scene carries so little weight if you know (like pretty much everyone should have known, let's be real) that he's not really dead. Like, sure, for the characters it means something because they don't know he'll be back, but for the audience? At least for me, it doesn't make me feel a whole lot.
So all the soldiers at Superman's funeral--do they know they're carrying an empty casket? Just curious.
The dirt rising off the casket at the end for a split second is soooooo dumb. For anyone naive enough to think he *is* really dead, just let them think it. Just let that be a thing. Come on. (Also considering that he doesn’t just come back on his own; it takes a charge from a Mother Box in Justice League for him to come back. That makes this end scene a lie, too.)
Ok, BvS is done. Need another drink and a snack, then I'll move on to Justice League. 😅
Justice League:
Haha, obvious Superman facial CGI right off the bat, omg, I forgot how horribly obvious it is. 🤣
Also forgot that we're starting off with parademons right away. Sheesh.
Do all of Snyder's films have to have gratuitous slow-motion scenes at the beginning? Ugh, dude.
Everyone just throwing Bruce Wayne's name around in relation to Batman all the time. Secret identities are dead, y'all. No superhero can have a real life, I guess.
Ugh, I forgot this film pushes Batman/Wonder Woman pretty hard. 🙄
"It's cool if I show a bunch of Amazons with their midriffs showing as long as they have visible ab muscles, right?" Idk, Snyder, is that how armor realistically works? 🙄 Also, is it necessary for them to have lipstick on? That doesn't even exist on Themyscira, ffs.
The multiple (as I remember; only one so far) innuendo-based jokes really bring this film down, imo. "Clark said you were the thirstier woman he'd ever met." Really? Ugh. 🙄
The plot of this film is so LOTR. Amazons, Atlanteans, and Men all get Mother Boxes, sort of like the various rings of power. There's plenty you can pull from comics, y'all. You don't need to pull from other stuff.
Flash as comic relief I'm okay with. I'm not sure how I feel about *this* Flash's comic relief. I'm not a huge fan of the writing.
Break time because Je'von wants to go out on the balcony lol. 😅
And we're back. So can Steppenwolf breathe underwater? Is that a thing?
I guess it's supposed to be super funny that everyone disappears except the fastest one of them? Sigh. The writing in this film is just so awful.
Cyborg's CGI also isn't great. I really wanted more for Cyborg because he's awesome. Sigh.
Snyder must have loved being able to do stuff with Flash. All the slo-mo he could want.
I'm not a fan of neurotic Flash, afraid of pretty much everything. He can be funny in so many better ways, but instead let's just have him be afraid of everything and make sexual jokes every now and then. 🙄
"Let's keep having Cyborg wear sweatpants and a hoodie so we don't have to spend so much on CGI. It totally won't look ridiculous." 🤣
Batman making the argument to use technology he doesn't understand to try to bring Superman back from the dead is just so out of character it's not even funny. First of all, Superman didn't need technology to come back in the comics (whether or not his "resurrection" was silly is irrelevant). Secondly, Batman literally has an enemy (Ra's al Ghul) who resurrects himself on the regular, and Batman (i) knows it's a bad idea because it messes with Ra's's sanity and (b) would never consider using the Lazarus Pit even though he has a relative understanding of how it works. This film just literally disregards established character traits in favor of it's stupid-as-hell plot. Ugh.
Superman is vulnerable to magic, idiot writers. He shouldn't be able to fight Wonder Woman's lasso. Uuughhh. Have any of the writers of this movie ever actually read any Justice League comics? 🤦♀️
Well, those cops definitely know Superman's name now. Since you all keep saying it in front of them.
Superman hasn't even been gone for that long (seemingly; I mean, it's hard to tell, but S.T.A.R. Labs is still doing research on the Kryptonian ship in the same genersl area as in BvS, so idk), so all this talk about what he does or doesn't remember seems...weird.
Why not wait until you defeat Steppenwolf to let your mom know you're back, Superman? For all you know, you could die again. Wouldn't that just be harder on her after seeing you back?
Why was the lasso just sitting on the Batmobile instead of with Wonder Woman? Plot so that Aquaman could say some *super funny things*. 🙄 That's not even how the lasso works, you dumb writers. Someone has to direct another bound by it to speak the truth. Seriously, do some research. Ugh. It's not that hard.
"So your plan is dying? You really are out of your mind."
"I'm not the one who brought a pitchfork."
See, the writers prove that they can be actually funny if they try. *If* they try.
The "everyone trying their best to hold off the big bad until Goku gets there" vibe is super strong in this movie. 😑
Part of the reason the Justice League is a thing is because no one hero can do it alone. That means it all shouldn't be riding on Superman's shoulders. If you actually know how to write the Justice League, that is.
Don't know how I feel about everyone getting perks due to nepotism now that they know Bruce Wayne...must be nice to be buddies with the richest man in the world. 😒
The Flash vs Superman race at the end is more pandering. Ugh. It would be better if Flash was less pathetic as a character in this film. Super awkward is just not very funny, y'all. Write actual jokes instead.
Okay, that's over. What a trip. Both those movies are still pretty much garbage. 🤣 The question is, will I ever watch Man of Steel again? Probably not; I hated Man of Steel more than both those movies, actually. Wrote a 3-page rant about how awful it was after seeing it in theaters originally. $3 was still way too much money to spend on that crap. 😅
Oh, side note for the after credits scene: will they ever actually go anywhere with that? They might do an okay job with a Justice League vs. Legion of Doom (or Injustice Society or whatever villain team incarnation they would decide to go with) film. That might not suck.
#myri's thoughts#live blogging (sort of)#Batman v Superman#justice league#dccu#omg the awfulness is just wonderful#if you read carefully you can tell when i start getting drunk lol#WW is the only real saving grace in either of these movies
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An essay on why I fight for Wonho
I think there has been too much of this “why do you even care that much?” bullshit lately and I’d like to make things clear, at least for my part. And I am assuming many other Monbebes can relate.
Indeed, why do I care? Wonho was never my bias, I have always liked other groups too, I have seen hundreds of groups come and go, it’s just one member in that group and although I want him to return, I actually want this entire industry to burn down to ashes even more and yes, that would mean death sentence to all idol groups.
But first of all, let me ask this question in return: Why does it bother you that we care? Who gets to define what’s a useless endeavor? What makes you think I can’t simultaneously care for “more important” issues? Why the hell are you judging us for wasting time on this, when we all already know you wasted days watching that useless Youtube vine compilation, binge-watched that one Netflix series you didn’t seriously even care about, played that one stupid mobile phone game when you should have been sleeping, ate those two boxes of cookies that could’ve lasted you two whole weeks? Who are you to say things are useless just because it’s not your favorite idol group or whoever the fuck you care about, who’s under attack? Why do you think we have explaining to do, when literally none of this has anything to do with you personally and it’s literally you who fail to see the implications this incident had?
I don’t need to explain why I found a person inspiring as an idol and human being, why I found his background story motivating and moving and why I found his presence in Monsta X very important for the entire group’s mental health, group dynamics, success and happiness. I don’t need to explain why I find it upsetting that the people I cared about are torn apart because of no fucking reason, and that I can see that pain from their faces as they’re forced to pretend Wonho does no longer fucking exist?
I don’t fucking think I need to explain why I have empathy for a person who is under a police investigation just because. I don’t think I need to explain why I don’t find it fair that someone is under an attack for doing something that is not deemed as illegal in the most civilized, democratic countries. I don’t need to explain why I want to defend someone who’s kicked out of his group because of conservative internet trolls and a couple whose own background is about ten times more shady than Wonho’s. I don’t think I need to justify myself protesting for him, when he is fired from a job that has absolutely nothing to do with the things he’s being accused of. I don’t think I need to explain that unlike many others, I am indeed capable of reflecting this incident against the bigger context and see how flawed the entire Korean legislative system is.
But let me do your homework for you asshats and explain what this bigger context is. It’s the context where simply having an allegation of whatever kind placed against you is enough to ruin your entire career. The context where people are literally lying about a person’s background and have been caught doing that, but can still continue with the investigation. The context where people can be punished again and again for things they did ages ago, apologized for, moved on and learned from. The context where literal rich drug dealers, convicted criminals sitting in prison, their minions and ENTIRE companies (cough pdx101 cough) might be able to escape from justice, but this one unfortunate person whose existence is only justified by the Korean population if he is superhumanly perfect and flawless, is brought down for allegedly committing a crime that was not harming anybody and was committed six fucking years ago. The context where you can be punished for something so meaningless that it feels like there is indeed space for a conspiracy theory or two. The context that paints idols as literal gods and goddesses who are not allowed to have pasts, backgrounds, redemption arcs or flaws to their character. The context that is taking idols from their hard-earned positions just because someone influential enough had a personal grudge against them. This context where Koreans are not protected by their own companies or labor unions but can be treated like non-human playthings, chess pieces and pawns just for having human traits.
I don’t think I need to explain why I have empathy. I don’t think I need to explain why this bigger picture I see doesn’t only clash with my morals, but also potentially hurts hundreds of thousands of other people, because something like this could easily happen to them, too, especially if we now use this incident as an example of how things should be handled in similar situations. And if you as a person fail to connect the dots, if you personally fail to see why this is giving an ugly view into a ruthless society many of my friends and loved ones have no other options but to live in, I think that’s on you. That’s literally your personal problem, not mine.
Wonho was not inspiring because he was flawless, he was inspiring because he demonstrated character growth. He was not inspiring because he never did any mistakes, he was inspiring because he kept improving and kept sharing his love and gratitude toward his fans. He was not inspiring because he had wealth, connections and endless virtuosity, he was inspiring because he built his career from nothing and still remembered to explicitly thank his family, his friends, his loved ones and his fans every single day. That alone is something we can’t say from many other people.
And if you think my argument is flawed because I was biased? Yes. I am biased. It’s not suspicious that people care about stuff more when it turns out to be personally relatable. Stop fucking pretending you are so virtuous, wise and pure that you already fought against bigotry, oppression, discrimination and bullshit in its all forms, way before you were even fucking born. That does not give you more social justice woke points, it just makes you annoying. Just because some Monbebes woke up to notice how flawed, ugly, embarrassing and pathetic the kpop industry can be now that their own favorite idol is attacked, is not a bad thing if it leads to them protesting against similar incidents in the future. Just because people cannot fully grasp issues before it has something to do with themselves doesn’t mean they can’t now use that realization as a boost to change the entire society.
Yes, we intend to not bring only Wonho back, but also bring down the entire industry that made it possible for things like these to happen. Yes, we as human beings are capable of empathizing with people who we don’t have much to do with, but it’s not wrong if we fight even more fiercely when we try to protect our own. When was the last time you have done something similar?
If our movement brings light to the fact how little protections workers have in Korea, if our movement makes people see how devastating consequences bullying and baseless accusations can have on people, if our movement continues talking about the same problem that caused a person to commit literal suicide a month earlier? If our movement makes it transparent to everybody how much power all these companies have over their idols and how they can not only treat them like shit after trusting and rooting for them for several years, but also silence all the remaining members and force them to continue even if they’re at a breaking point? If our movement brings light to the fact that maybe, just maybe it’s not fair to punish people for things that they might not only NOT have done, but also are literally meaningless even if he did them ALL, especially because they happened before he ever even was an idol?
Well, I’ll call it a movement that exists for a good fucking reason.
One of my Korean friends, after being told about this, said that well, the only thing I now need to do is to change my favorite group and move on with my life, because I am literally just a customer and I can’t change things. And you know what? That is exactly the problem here. Without knowing it, she summarized the entire problem up perfectly with that one sentence.
She and so many other Koreans (and non-Koreans) consider idols mere products. They think idols are here to sell us a certain image of a perfect, successful person who does not really exist as a human being. Idols just represent something the Korean society aspires to be, but if enough people get fed up with them for whatever reason, just to bolster their own feelings of revenge and jealousy like in this case, idols can be dumped and forgotten in a matter of minutes. That hurting one idol does not really matter, because there are people lining up behind him to do his job even better. That being an idol is an endless cycle of improving oneself, requiring less and less time for resting, recovery, privacy and human rights and asking less and less forgiveness from the audience. That if you get an important position in the society, it’s on you if you cannot handle the negative publicity that might follow. That if you have done one mistake once, it prevents you from ever moving on in your life, because it can come and bite you in the ass whenever, arbitrarily, just because, even if technically you had already been forgiven long time ago. That people who have gotten money and fame do not earn those positions because of hard work, but because they are supposed to be superhuman. And because there is no such thing as a superhuman, every and any idol can be brought down whenever they show the smallest sign of humanity. Even if that sign of humanity is just them showing open solidarity and empathy for a friend and colleague that was wrenched from them for no reason.
She and so many other Koreans think the only thing they can do as normal citizens is to pretend this one “flawed, miserable” individual never existed, because they are powerless against the decisions of the companies, press and rich conservative trolls?
And for some reason, somehow, these same Koreans fail to see how that reflects the state of their entire society and how it affects their own rights as workers, as human beings. They fail to see this very, very crucial factor: that idols are more similar to everyday Koreans than they are to the entertainment companies, wealthy chaebol CEOs and a couple of filthy rich drug dealers who escape their own punishment because of their even richer dad.
Idols are NOT extremely wealthy celebrities who have a freedom to choose their own paths, influential politicians who can escape from scandals after scandals or sons and daughters of the company leaders and estate owners of Korea.
They are workers who have inhumane working conditions. They are faces to faceless, cruel companies who are intentionally hiding behind them to cover their own tracks.
Idols have no real rights, freedom or future, and thus, they represent us normal people. What you do to one of these idols, you essentially do to every single one of his/her fans. You take our dreams away, you punish us unfairly for things we tried to learn from, you take away our voices that we used to express our own oppression and challenge the status quo.
Idols are not us, but they represent us more than any of these companies, leaders, rich heirs and heiresses and CEO’s could ever do.
And that’s why I’m fighting for Wonho.
__
And please miss me with that cultural relativism bullshit. I know injustice when I see it. I can distinguish suffering and pain even in cultural contexts I am not born into. Also? Maybe if Koreans don’t want us to meddle with how they handle their own problems, maybe they should have really been thinking twice before trying to buy the entire world with the help of their idol industry. We can hold companies accountable. We can demand change. Companies and wealthy shitheads are not representatives of a culture. We know there are Koreans with us in this fight.
And if this doesn’t change with us, right now, today... it will sit down with us until something like this happens again, and then the change will come in the shape of a fucking tsunami.
And what are you going to do at that point, stand in the fucking way, or pretend your past mistakes can no longer hold you accountable?
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i’ve been awake for over 24 hours
I haven’t been on tumblr in years. i stopped using it after high school, but I don’t know why. but now I’m back tonight, because I needed someone to talk to, but I have no one to listen. i have friends, i have family, i have a boyfriend. i have a therapist. but no matter what: i feel so unheard, so unseen, and so ignored by everyone in my life that i literally feel like i have no one to truly turn to. for anything. so, here i am. hope i get a warm welcome!!!
here’s the thing: i’m NOT a depressed person. i’m not sad, i don’t have any major mental health issues apart from anxiety and some adhd. and before you take that the wrong way, please don’t. i just got my master’s degree in social work and i’ll be starting my new job as a therapist in a couple of weeks.
but, i’m also NOT a happy person. tbh, i can’t really describe my overall ~mood~ or whatever you wanna call it. i kinda just wake up and survive the day, every day. i take it one day at a time ... kinda like what AA says to do; but no, before you ask or the thought crosses your mind, i’m not an addict. at least not a alcohol/other drugs addict ??? sorry
maybe this is why there’s no one to listen when i need them to. i fucking ramble about literally nothing before getting to the point.
it’s weird that i’m writing right now (ok, typing???). i haven’t done this since i was little. it feels good to do this, to have some sort of outlet when you feel so fucking unseen and unheard by every. single. person. around you.
so i haven’t slept in over 24 hours. it’s my own fault for sure and i have adderall to thank for that (yes i’m prescribed). i decided to start a blog again because i’m sitting here, still wide awake in my apartment, alone, while my boyfriend is sound asleep in my bedroom.
so what’s my fucking problem??? why do i want someone to talk to?? i don’t know honestly. i just feel like lately all i do is listen to others, help others, give myself completely to others. and in return, i get nothing. nothing even close to what i give, or to what i’m capable of giving. which is sad. not for me particularly (maybe?), but for others, yes, i think so.
i’m not saying that i expect anything in return for helping others, because i don’t. i didn’t enter the field of social work for the fucking money. and i know a lot of fucked up shit is going on in the world right now, and in no way do i want to minimize ANY of that. i’m just feeling a little lost and lonely, so i’m hoping this is a new outlet for me to sort out those feelings.
the last couple of hours, i’ve had a LONG string of thoughts. if you read through, you’ll eventually found out how they started. but one of the things i’ve been wrestling with in my mind is the type of person i am.
you see, it’s difficult to be “that” person for others your whole life, especially all the fucking time. if you’re anything like me, you know what i mean by that. and if you aren’t anything like me, well, first of all congrats!!!!, and secondly, i’ll explain what i mean.
when you’re “that” person for others, like myself, it’s easy for other people to walk all over you. take advantage of you, take you for granted, expect you to ALWAYS be there no matter the cost. and of course, why wouldn’t they? you’re always there to help. you’re ALWAYS there to offer support, guidance, and advice. you’re nurturing. you listen. you’re a fucking irreplaceable, loyal to death friend. if you’re VERY much like me, you’re also the one person in your family who isn’t a total fuck up (at least not publicly?)
you’re also nonjudgmental, and you were blessed with the curse of being empathic towards others at all times. empathy of course is beautiful and a very good thing to have in this life, but do you know how hard it is to feel for every single person around you.. and not have anyone feel for you???? damn
also, you never let anyone down!! ever. you’re reliable, dependable, trustworthy to the point where it’s almost sketchy because like??? who can be that way to everyone else at all times? you guessed it- people like me and people like u!! (if this is even semi-relatable, i’m sorry)
but people like us, like you, like me, tend to do this thing where we keep the same shitty fucking toxic people around that have hurt us, continue to hurt us both indirectly and directly, and who have let us down time and time again, because we continue clinging on to the fucking useless hope that “someday they’ll change”. someday, they’ll realize how fucking important you are to them and how shitty their lives are, and would be, without you in it.
you- we - also live by honesty and truthfulness, and assume others just live by this as well. but then you’re proved wrong over and over and over again, yet you never fucking learn your lesson because you are STILL hopeful that somewhere, somehow, deep down, other people DO stand by the morals you try so hard to stand by in life. most of the time, though, you’re completely avoiding the reality of other people and their experiences and who they really are, only to try to fit your own narrative of how you see things and how you think things should be.
if this sounds anything like you... i’m sorry. i know it all too well.
i grew up as the “golden child” in my family. not just my immediate family. my entire fucking family. the pressure to be perfect has lead me to develop debilitating anxiety in my 20′s, and it is what it is, but like, why the fuck couldn’t i have anxiety in high school like a normal teenager? why now?
so yeah my anxiety’s pretty bad. it’s pretty bad tonight, which is why i turned here. to tumblr. to try to write out my thoughts. which, by the way, i’m sorry, because this is an absolute fucking mess and makes no sense. if you are reading this, though, thank you. thank you for listening when no one else seems to.
anyway. growing up with the pressure of being *perfect* has a cost. at least for me it did: 1) anxiety of course, and 2) perfectionist tendencies. these have literally- LITERALLY - ruined my entire college and graduate school experience. perfectionism combined with anxiety is a recipe for fucking disaster, and i’ve been cooking it for years.
i am deliberately writing this without proper punctuation/grammer/whateverthefuckyouwanttocallit, not capitalizing my letters etc., because i want to not have to be so perfect all the time on here, if this is something i’m going to stick to. i know that sounds silly but it’s actually been very difficult for me to write in all lower-caps and i’m very worried that no one will even read this and HEAR ME because of my literacy negligence (i have no idea if that’s even a real thing or if it even has meaning but it sounded right)
do u want to know why i decided to write this though, truly? what lead to me feeling like i’m “spiraling” - apart from no sleep in over 24 hours now? well, get ready to laugh, because i truly think i’m pathetic and going crazy.
i went to dinner tonight with my boyfriend and his fam. our waitress was a girl i used to know years ago in high school. my boyfriend knew her too. in fact, he knew her VeRY well. for the sake of my anxious overthinking, i don’t feel like going too much into the details of *that* situation, so thanks in advance for understanding.
anyway. this corny bitch made a joke about the current political environment. i won’t say what exactly, because i’d really like to keep my identity as concealed as absolutely possible on here. but long story short, no one really laughed - every one just kinda smiled awkwardly. but you know who did laugh? my boyfriend :)
TO ME, it seemed intentional. she wasn’t fucking funny, for one. she made a bad - no, a very bad- joke. like one of those corny dad jokes. not even a dad joke actually. a step-dad joke, except your step-dad is a loser that you hate, who treats ur mom/dad bad, has no sense of humor or a horrible sense of humor and idk, just fucking sucks you know ???
sorry that got kinda dark and it was unnecessary but do u know what i mean??? and no, that was literally not relevant to me or my family system/structure in any way. just kinda came to me, ya know? ...writing works in mysterious ways man
alright so if you don’t agree, that’s fine. i already told you to get ready to laugh, because i am well aware of how insane i fucking sound. but you know what makes anxiety & perfectionism 100x harder to cope with? insecurities. and i’m FULL of them.
so anyway. we left dinner. him & i were driving home. i will admit that i did have some wine at dinner, and i wasn’t drunk but i definitely was feeling cocky enough to stir the pot with him. so, i casually said, “hey... didn’t you date _____?” *insert annoying waitress’s name who i knew once upon a time*
i said it very calmly. very coooool. v collected and nice. he said “no? i’ve never even talked to or hungout with that girl”.
i wish u could see my face as i’m writing this right now bc i cannnot. like i gave u a choice.... the opportunity. tHE SIMPLE opportunity - a chance - to be fucking honest................................
this dude. straight up. lied to my face. about this fucking girl. ???????
YEARS AGO, they most certainly did talk. a lot. in fact, my crAZy ass searched their names on facebook to find their old little love notes to each other that they posted on each others’ walls. which were very cringey but nothing that made me feel jealous or insecure (for once). after all, they were from years ago- i’m talking 5+ - so likeeee.... why would he lie (:
oh and they definitely did hang out because.... i remember clearly.... a PICTURE OF THE two of them *together* *hangin* (prob bangin too) (sorry) years ago in this now-waitress’s bedroom. i believe it was a ~webcam photo~ that they took on the new mac computer her parents prob bought her. so this photo is now NO WHERE to be found. and believe me, i looked. no, i LURKED. i went to the beginnnning of her instagram posts and deep into her uploaded facebook pictures. ok, not ‘deep’, i literally got to the first pic she ever posted on FB just to try to find this damn picture. and it took me for. fucking. ever. because this bitch has prolly posted a million pictures in the last 5+ years like who does that???
but i swear to fucking whatever the fuck that this picture exists. i have fucking seen it. i’d describe it in perfect detail right now as if i saw it today, but, once again, i’m concealin my identity, yo, so i can’t do all that. v sorry
anywho. this dude - who i call my boyfriend (and yes i love him very very much and our past is absolutely fucked but that’s a whole other story for a very different time) - had the nerve, the audacity, to tell me to my face, that he “definitely doesn’t have a picture with her” because “they’ve never hung out or talked before” ... ?!??????
obv i sent him screenshots of the dirt i dug up on facebook from 5+ years ago (i.e., the old posts between them in case ya forgot during my rambling) bc like, caught ya in a lie sir. red handed.
i might be late on mentioning this part, but here’s the fucking kicker (and i’ve never used that phrase and i don’t know why i said that but ok?): TODAY, for the first time in MONTHS, literally!!!, bc of the virus and the quarantine and all that, i got ready today for dinner with his family. like actually got ready. i spent HOURS doing my make up. i don’t even remember the last time i did my make up, ok. i dressed in a really cute outfit. i felt fucking very good about myself. i thought for sure when he’d come pick me up to go to dinner he’d at least say something. at least acknowledge it. he has literally only seen me in raw form for too many days now. like, complete bare face and sweat pants basically every day since march.
but. did he even look at me twice?!!? no. did he mention anything about how i looked? how it was drastically different from my everyday attire the last couple months? did he take 2 seconds out of his day to say something corny or flirty to me? even just, “you look beautiful”??? honestly i would’ve even appreciated, “you look beautiful, for once” ???
did u guess the correct answer? well if u didn’t, it’s N O.
but u know who he did look at twice.
our waitress at dinner.
(:
i think i wrote enough for one night. if u think this is my anxiety/perfectionism/insecurities combination spiraling out of control after being tamed incessantly for 20+ years, PLZ TELL ME.
but also, if you have a fucking brain, you’d know that:
1) this is definitely NOT the first time i’ve responded to something like this the way i did, and
2) i really just needed to ramble on and vent about all the shit that’s been going through my mind the last 2 1/2 hours, so there’s that.
have a good night get some sleep!!! thank u for ur time.
#why#me#cantsleep#upfor24hours#adderall#waitress#insecure#perfect#anxiety#sorry#helpme#help#needsleep#dontwanttotho#goodnight#getsomerest#ily#thanku
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The Concept, Chapter 5
Ao3 Link
It’s been too long since I’ve gone on.
Warning: Contains themes and scenes that are not suitable for everyone. Specifics are: overdose, suicidal ideation and related, depression, and insanity
Henry learned rather quickly the place he found himself in was hell.
Then again, he knew it from the time he worked there, but the disheveled state of the building made the tyranny of the aura all the more prevalent.
There were locked doors, broken and flickering lights, creaking floorboards, the massive ink machine he remembered Joey tinkering with and creating.
Joey Drew. The name left a sour taste in his mouth.
Henry easily powered up the machine
He almost jumped out of his skin when a plank fell from the ceiling, cursing it out and sputtering, hand gripping his heart.
The damn cutout that just… appeared, out of nowhere, almost like it was set up, it’s black, dark, venomous pie cut eyes following him, trained on him, a vice on his body.
He looked beyond it.
He stiffened, walking up to the… thing mechanically, no choice but to investigate, to try and piece together the shattered bits of clues.
The… the sight of Boris’ mangled and vivisected body. It was sick, something very wrong.
Preternatural, twisted a fairytale gone south faster than the stock market crash of ‘29.
Henry did not have very many good memories of working here, but his old desk brought in a wave of nostalgia. But from what? Maybe it was just the joy of animation. Of bringing things to life with his hands.
To grow and create.
Back in the day, Joey made him stay late with him to work on animations.
Pushed him, encouraged his workaholism.
Work hard, work happy.
Then it got worse.
Work hard, work harder.
Happiness ebbed away, and stress alongside exhaustion strained into the job.
More and more effort, pushing himself harder, forcing himself to his limits.
Work your hardest.
Looking at the doodle on his desk, the doodle he had frantically covered, marked with a note for Wally to hide it, he realized how much time he wasted there. Cowering in some strange version of friendship and fear.
Mostly discomfort.
The friend that overstayed his invitation.
The invitation being into Henry’s life.
He tried to force him from his family, pushing the idea of a ‘studio family’, neglecting his own family, his wife and his daughter.
Sure, Diane and he did not last - but he had Linda.
His daughter, who he ignored and pushed away while he worked for Joey. He should have spent more time with her instead of leaving her with Diane or with one of her grandmothers, he should have bonded with her more.
He realized that when he left.
His daughter was so happy, such euphoria coursing through her when he told her that he quit, and she had taken him by the hand to spin around their living room with him, chanting, “daddy, daddy, you’re finally home!”
Now, for some inexplicable, insane, god damned reason, he was back. He was back in the place he lied to himself about. The studio was never anything good, it was a prison, a prison sealed with stockholm syndrome, a jail cell with the most cunning locks.
And here, back in this Hell… something was so very wrong.
Starting up the machine was easy.
The ritual was strangely familiar, as though he had performed it before, but maybe in a vague dreamlike state.
Was it deja vu?
No, he had definitely done this before….
______
Red eyes.
Angry, hurt, red eyes.
Henry stared at Joey. Something was off about him.
_____
The change in the man was obvious now. There was no doubt about it, he was changed. Skin dark like black tea, eyes red like rubies, magenta glasses, a tall stature on his shoulders yet bound to the wheelchair, black jacket, white pants, all familiar and yet so strange.
“Joey?” he murmured. The man ignored him pointedly, eyes narrowing. Red eyes, red, eyes, alexandrite red eyes. Whose were those? Whose lanky body? “... Johan?”
The man before him froze.
Then he smiled nervously, a smile Henry knew very well, but why?
“Let’s talk.”
____
“You promised one more run,” Henry growled, jabbing a finger into Joey’s chest. He rose a hand in a worried protest, a hand that Henry plucked out of the air. Their eyes met, Joey’s puce fearful and confused, he did not recall making such a promise. Henry’s second hand grasped his wrist, and he twisted. Joey howled, back snapping straight with the pain he could not escape from. Seconds, agonizing seconds, passed, and with a sud- SNAP. Joey felt like he could not breathe.
Henry’s hands were on his other wrist, bringing it down onto the counter with a crack. Johan wordlessly howled, doubling over on his broken wrists.
“That should teach you not to lie,” Henry growled. Joey, on his knees, gasped in air as tears spilled over his cheeks painfully. “I expect you to finish on the next run, or if I were you, I would fear for my hands.”
Joey nodded soundlessly and slowly, shaking and shivering.
Henry walked to the door, slipping through it without a word. Johan, stuck in his kneeling position, lowered his forehead to the floor, allowing his tears to drip through his lashes.
Shakily, a smile spread on his lips. Soon it will all be over. Soon it will all end. He would be forgiven! What a benevolent master Henry was! How kind!
Forgiveness!
What a remarkable, impossible, wonderful thought!
___
Dear reader, the next moments are no fault of mine. They are the result of another, whom despite pleading, constantly put aside their wellbeing. And so, it is with a bitterness I divulge the plaintiff cry of self inflicted impairment. This is their fault in two major ways.
I am merely relaying it.
He regretted deleting the Numerica.
He had to have something.
Everything hurt, his wrists ached, more than with the pain of the chains that normally enveloped them, tight and cruel.
He wanted something to relax his mind.
He wanted it.
He NEEDED it.
He groaned.
His closed eyes snapped open, a grin lopsidedly spreading on his lips.
He knew where he could get something of the sort.
He rummaged in another’s dimension, pulling his hand back.
In it, yellow pills.
Half of one was one dose, right?
Shrugging, he tipped the whole thing into his mouth.
He smiled and let the drug take over.
Colors, brighter than he had ever seen in his life, due to his impairment, splashed over his vision. Pain vanished. Ink dripped from his lips.
The colors heightened.
Brighter.
Whiter.
Maybe death would be good.
He did not regret stealing the pills, he never would see him again, anyways.
Johan’s final gift to him, his death with the other’s instrument.
He groaned as the pain from overdose kicked in.
His stomach throbbed and his head ached.
Pain hit every nerve.
He wanted to curse him. To curse them.
But he could not, he was powerless, and he felt tears prick his eyes, only the bright green of the numbers on his vision.
They dripped down the sides of his face, slipping into his hair, shame burning into him again. He cried out in agony, needless needles jabbing into every muscle, tearing him open from the inside out like claws, ripping into every single bone and tendon, a gluttonous devour of any clean feeling he held.
He wanted to die as the pain coursed through him, but he knew he would not be able to.
He choked on his tears, unable to move as the pills wrecked his body, forcing him to scream out, his voice raw and aching, trapped more than before.
He gasped and sobbed, hating himself.
Hating his weakness.
Hating everything about himself.
Pathetic.
He tried to curl up to let the pain ebb away, but the pills kept him still.
He hated himself.
He closed his eyes, and sobbed.
Why did they do this to him?!
Why were they giving him more pain than he was in already!?
Did they hate him?
They must, right?
There was no other explanation.
Confusion sank into him. He thought they loved him. Did… did they never love him?
He felt his shoulders slump.
No one could love him.
Obviously.
He was just a glitch bitch, a worthless shit, empty code, useless machinery. Pathetic, broken, a toy. Nothing. A zero.
They were right to hate him.
He was nothing good, nothing kind, a liar, a drug addict, a murderer, and now, a thief.
Pathetic.
Such a blight.
A disgrace.
He moaned, hand clenching on the pill bottle.
He wanted the pain to end. He wanted it to all go away.
He wanted everything to go away.
He wanted to die.
And this was a reminder he could not.
He hated himself.
____
Henry’s lips kept taking his attention. He had to focus, he needed to barter this right.
“I can do it in a thousand runs,” Johan assertively insisted. Henry shook his head. Joey scowled. “How about you try to repair our world using only ones and zeroes, huh?”
“I’m not the one who committed genocide,” Henry growled, his hand fisting on the table. Johan swallowed roughly. “Fifty at most.”
“Fifty!” Johan exclaimed, disgusted. “Fifty runs will never be enough for me to code even half of south america!”
“Then a hundred will suit you just fine!”
“Seven hundred fifty!” Johan lowered.
“Seventy five!” Henry challenged, eyes narrow.
“Eight hundred!” Joey insisted.
“A hundred,” Henry returned, not planning on conceding.
“Seven hundred is my lowest,” Joey grumbled, eyes looking over Henry, slitted and frustrated. “You can’t rush art.”
“This isn't god damned art!” Henry roared, leaping to his feet. “This is my goddamn life!”
“It’s my goddamn life, too!” Joey seethed. “Y-You don’t understand what you’ll be taking from me! People I love, people I car-”
“What fucking people!?” Henry demanded in an explosion, eyes wild, hands slamming onto the counter, making Johan jump back in fright and shock. “Other yous!? Is that it!? Fuck that, when this is over I’m going to make sure you never see them again! They’re distractions! All of you, every fuckin’ version is a liar! That’s probably why you get along so nice and dandy, oh, he’s a murderer, that’s fine, we all killed someone last week! Is that it!? And how many of you share the same fucking deviance?! How many of you are sods, huh?!”
“Henry!” Joey sputtered, flushing and grabbing at his heart pin. “Y-you’re bisexual, how can you say such a thing? How can you be so, so crude?”
Henry scowled, and then stopped, sighing and slowly lowering himself back onto his chair. Joey watched him with hurt in his eyes.
“I’m sorry,” Henry said, sincere. “I didn’t mean to say that, I got mad and I wanted to bother you. What I said was wrong.”
“It’s okay,” Johan murmured, sitting down in his wheelchair, his hands wrapping around his cup of tea. Henry’s cold hands pressed over his, and their eyes met. Joey’s lips quirked up in a small smile, Henry’s following in his smoother fashion. “Six hundred?”
“Two hundred.”
“Five hundred is the lowest I can do,” Johan shook his head.
Henry sighed, and stuck out his hand.
“Five hundred it is, then,” he said, sealing the deal with a shake.
Johan made his way to the door, opening it, paining a blue tack on the wall.
“This is run one.”
_____
Johan messed up. Repeatedly.
The artist was trying so hard, and Henry continuously got madder and angrier with him.
He wanted to please him so badly.
To be good!
He could be good!
He could!
Please, believe him, he could b-be good….
He offered Henry runs every time he failed.
With bright hopeful eyes.
Tears in them.
He was lowered, down, down, down, to 414.
____
He could not move properly. Something familiar, horrifically, hideously familiar, pressurized his chest. He was… on his knees? Something restraining him from falling. His blue black hair was splayed everywhere, messily spiking over his eyes. He swayed his head side to side, trying to get a bearing of his surroundings. A wry, tight grin crossed his lips, like someone tearing through paper unevenly with a knife.
Right.
He gave a hollow laugh, whistling to himself and swaying.
He could wait.
He was patient.
He would wait for the good doctor.
Eventually, the door clicked unlocked and swung open.
Footsteps waxed near him, and he continued to whistle and sway, head rolling on his shoulders and chest like a twisted pendulum.
The footsteps paused, and he tensed, a grin mangling his already eerie features.
Silence.
“Boo!” he sharply snapped his head up, jolting at the doctor before him, wild eyed and beaming maniacally. He dropped his notepad on the floor, the restrained man sticking out a leg to cover it and pull it back. The doctor, with his hand on his chest, glared at him as he cackled and hooted with laughter. “Aw! C’mon doc! You’re as white as a ghost!”
“Enough, Ramirez,” the doctor ground out, trying to get back his notebook. Joey grinned at him, kicking up the pad, bouncing it off his shoulder and catching it in his mouth. Quickly standing to full height, he towered over him, grinning smugly. “Joey Drew.”
“Fine, have it your way, Dr. Stein,” Joey grumbled tossing the book. His terrifyingly happy demeanor shifted to one of melancholy, and he sat back on the floor, straight jacket making him feel horribly itchy. “What’re you here for? To gloat?”
“No.” Henry flatly replied. “The lobotomy procedure was cancelled.”
“Really?” Johan’s head slowly rose, eyes wide with wonder. “And… and that means no split brain treatment either?”
“Neither.”
“Oh, thank you,” he breathed, sagging against the wall. “Oh, Doctor, thank you.”
“Are you going to take your medication without fighting this time?” Henry questioned blandly, measuring out a thick, black liquid, into a thin, cylindrical tube. Joey stared at it in disgust, hesitating before shaking his head in the negative. Henry grimace. “Take the goddamn medicine, Joey.”
“I don’t want that,” he grit out painfully, eyeing it with disgust and some fear. Henry approached him swiftly, holding him down on his shoulder. He glanced at him from the corner of his eye, flushing from embarrassment. “I’ll do it for a kiss.”
“Just take the it,” Henry growled, pushing the vial against his lips. Johan pursed them. “Come on already! Take it!”
He shook his head.
Henry’s nails dug into his shoulder, the glass painful through his lips. Joey reluctantly, feeling contempt toward himself, parted his lips.
“There we go,” Henry hummed, running a hand up and down his shoulder. Joey shuddered, his eyes squeezed shut. The taste of the ink… ink? What ink? INK.
With a skreech, he jolted back to reality, screaming, aching, trembling, thrashing.
He made sure he had command of his limbs, sharply lifting his hands and waving them in his face. He curled up, and cried.
Was that real?
Was his entire world a drug induced nightmare? Were the people he knew here just… just other people in an asylum? Was it all fake? It was, wasn’t it? There was no explanation. He was alone.
No.
He refused to believe that he was nothing more than a dream, he was real.
Think of the others.
More proof he was fake.
No.
He was real.
Nothing could stop him.
He was nothing, and nothing would stop him.
No.
He had to believe.
Belief never got him anywhere.
No.
He had to hope.
He had to hope, as belief abandoned him.
Hope was all he had, and he would use it.
He set his fingers to the keys.
Hours passed in his work. He slipped away to visit the others, having completed the necessary amount for the run, proud of himself.
In a few runs, he would have to meet with Henry.
He was not scared, he finally reconciled with his closest, and he was ready to face one of them again, he was ready.
He saved, and waited for Henry to come.
He fidgeted, an unfamiliar dull aching permeating his body.
What was wrong with him?
He coughed, feeling the throb from the simple action he was all too used to.
What was happening?
He tried to focus on the clock. It made him smile. Time worked again. It was a big accomplishment on his end, even if he saw it as a small feat. It was difficult, but he had done it.
What was wrong, why did he feel so… off?
.
..
…
Pain spiked into all his being, every limb screaming, each cell shrieking.
He screamed, darkness flaring through his sight, and he felt the wheelchair dissipate from under him.
All he could feel was pain.
Agony seeped into every pore, his lungs burning, his eyes welling, his chest heaving as torment ripped though his body.
He could not move, all he could do was feel nightmares claw at his eyes, false memories of needles jabbing into him, tight restriction holding him in place as fire swept through him, razing every nerve.
“Johan! Are you alright!?” Henry’s voice cut through like a knife. Johan felt a strong arm on his back pulling him to sit. He felt himself get carried to the couch when it became clear he would collapse again. “Oh, Joey, you weigh less than ever before… Joey, pal, wake up, I’m going to get you something to drink, stay put.”
Joey groaned as he forced his bleary eyes open. To his relief, most of the apartment was still in place, and it seemed no progress was lost. Just a bit longer, and he would finish.
He sighed contentedly, leaning back against the couch, gripping it with one hand. Solid. The sensation made him want to laugh and cry out of elation and anticipation.
“Alright, Joey, I’m ba- holy shit!” Joey’s eyes rose to view the wide eyed stare of the other animator. His gaze was drawn to the top of his own head, following Henry’s look. He looked down at the hand on his lap shamefacedly as he caught the merest glimpse of silver. Silver! The other hand hastily shoved it off his forehead and back, not wanting to see any of it. He felt so young, but he felt so tired and ancient, and his body showed it. Henry rushed over to him, gentle, broad, calloused hands slipping through the locks in wonder and with great curiosity. “Your hair… it’s not black anymore. Or even blue.”
“Sorry it’s ugly,” Johan muttered, reaching to his knees and pulling them to his chest, Henry making an odd noise in his throat. “The cause of it is likely the fact that as our world becomes more filled, and as time measuring objects like clocks and calendars appear, I started to show the age I would be. I don’t suppose I aged very well, did I?”
“Joey, listen to me,” Henry’s voice was strange. Joey slowly looked up at him. “This isn't the first time I saw you with white. This is the first time it stuck. And it’s okay.”
“No it’s! It’s!” Joey made a frustrated sound, gritting his teeth. “I don’t! Want! To die! I don’t want to grow up! I’m still twenty two, no matter what my body looks like! I! I! I!”
“Calm down!” Henry soothed him, taking his hands off his face, where he was not even aware he was clawing at in his panic. "No, hey, don't worry about it! I think it... it looks nice! It suits you. And the tips… the tips are still black and blue.”
“Really?” Joey asked quietly, not wanting to grow a false hope. Henry nodded. “I’m certain I look like a buffoon.”
“Not at all,” Henry chuckled. “It’s kind of like a paint brush.”
He ran his hand through it again, Joey leaning into the gentle caress.
Henry’s hand continued to make its way through his hair repeatedly, until Johan felt his eyes slowly drifting shut. Henry’s hand slipped to his jaw, turning his head gently, until they were face to face. They looked at each other in their daze for a long moment, then eyes widened, and they both snapped away, muttering excuses to no one, Henry’s flush more apparent than Joey’s due to their skin tones.
“Here.” Henry muttered, thursting the cup of water he got at the other old gentleman, the liquid circling the glass as centripetal force tugged on it, a small amount leaping over the side, the drops landing on Johan’s hand. Henry’s breath seemed to freeze, and he shoved the cup into Joey’s hands. “Now, drink it, and don’t stop once you start. Doctor’s orders.”
“You... alright there, Hen?” Joey asked, lowering the empty glass, wiping his lips with a small napkin that moth brought him. “Thank you, Gracehopper. Henry, you look… hungry? Is there something I can get you to eat?”
“No, no, I’m fine,” Henry shook himself out of it. “Uh, should we see how else you aged?”
“Sure,” Joey sighed in defeat. “It’s not like I’ve ever had go-”
A rumbling tore them from their conversation. Joey groaned.
“It’s destabilizing again. You should go.”
“Fine.”
Joey glitched himself into his wheelchair as Henry made his way to the door. Joey stirred before his computer before looking over at the man.
“I’m almost done,” he called out behind him. Henry paused, and left.
______
And then he was done.
He wept.
He cried his heart out.
He sobbed and shook.
Since, when all is finished, the shock hits.
Henry stood before him as he cried.
He hugged him, awkward from the wheelchair.
“Ten more runs,” Henry reminded, and Johan nodded and wiped his tears. Time to make them last. Hold each precious moment, for he will never have it again.
____
Johan waited quietly for Henry to appear.
When he did, they strolled onto the streets of Manhattan, weaving through the people.
People, something that had been missing for thirty long, long years.
Still, thirty years of life stolen.
Henry and Joey knew it was time to set things right.
They came back to the studio, the ink machine powered on, the computer on, and the world turning to black and green.
Joey typed in the formula with tears in his eyes.
Tears of hope.
The reset button appeared, and he and Henry silently approached it.
“YOU CAN’T ESCAPE ME, JOHAN!” a voice that never was roared, calling the name like a mockery. “LISTEN TO ME, I AM GREATER THAN YOU WILL EVER DREAM TO BE!”
Pipes swirled up onto his ankles and ink welled against his limbs, restricting and grasping him, pulling him back to hell. He cried out, and Henry turned back to ask what the matter was, and his eyes widened as he saw Johan, being pulled back even as he dissipated, an arm wrapped tight around his throat.
Henry let out a battle roar, running back, punching the attacker in the face.
The man, for man it was, swore and stumbled back as Johan wheezed and typed a code as fast as he could to get him and Henry back to the button, and paused everything. Henry looked back at the man behind them frozen in time.
He stared at him.
“Joey?” he said, pointing at the default with confusion, eyebrows quirking at Johan.
“No.” Johan grit out. Henry scowled, pieces falling into place. He forced Johan to face him, the dark man refusing to meet his eyes. “What is your problem?”
“You have to deal with him,” Henry insisted. Joey bit his lip and looked to his shoes. “That man, that thing, that, that monster, he’s your problem to deal with. If you don’t get rid of him, he will always be a part of you. You will never be comfortable with who you are as long as you don’t face him. So go! Fight back!”
“Forget it,” Johan muttered, wheeling himself to the reset button. Henry let out a huff of frustration, going over to join him. “Are you ready?”
“Yeah, yeah,” Henry curtly answered. “And you?”
“Yes,” he lied. He put his hand to the grey button, watching it fade into a deep indigo. He looked to Henry with a tilt of his head. “Your hand, if you please.”
Henry, saying nothing, placed his hand on the button as well, gold flowing from where his fingers met the code. It entwined with the blue, merging and dancing as one, sapping and strengthening each other, growing and changing and making something completely unheard of. There was a hum, and the button glowed green.
Active.
“Are you ready?” Henry inquired, his fingers twitching on the button, starting it.
“I am,” he fabricated. Inhaling sharply, he said, “Let’s do this.”
“Just so you know,” Henry’s hand tightened into a fist. “I don’t want to see you again. After whatever this is. I never want to see you ever again.”
Johan felt his heart break.
Again.
Something was wrong.
“Okay,” he whispered, ignoring the pang racing through his body.
“Well?” Henry prompted right hand pushing Joey’s left onto the button. “Click it now. On the count of three.”
The world was going to end, and Johan found it shoved in his face.
“Three!”
“Henry! Please, please, wait wait wait!”
“I thought you wanted us to end it all?”
“I don’t know!” he wailed.
“Two!”
“Please no! God, please wait, please, no, wait!”
“One!”
“Henry!”
He pushed their hands onto the button, slamming it and making the bright green glow gleam and glitter and glint and spread, time slowing, Johan able to see the numbers slowly making their way to the activated event.
He stared at the green numbers, eyes widening, and then
NOT THE FIRST TIME.
He gasped.
NOT THE SECOND TIME.
N-no… no, no, that does not make any sense, unless he had…
THIRD TIME.
He deleted his own memories.
Tears dripped down his face, memories flooding him, leaving him trembling, shaking, a tsunami of horror and disgust.
“Are you okay?” Henry’s voice asked him.
“Are you okay?” he asked twice before then.
Johan could not breathe.
Memory wipe?
Again?
Should he do another?
A fourth?
He looked back at the default Joey.
Henry was right, he would never leave him be if he did not fight back against it.
They stared at each other.
With a sharp turn, Johan wiped his memor
Johan Ramirez woke up in an abandoned apartment in Brooklyn.
He went to work and quit it.
He built a studio called “Joey Drew Studios”.
He built a computer.
He built an ink machine.
He deleted himself.
He destroyed his world.
He rebuilt everything, so slowly.
He stared at the default Joey.
Memories flooded back.
Guilt, guilt, guilt.
How many times will he repeat this?
How many times will he meet the same people?
If he moves on… what will change?
He would have only met others twice, if met at all.
Could he move on?
He hesitated.
“Joey?” Henry asked for the first time.
A chill ran down his back.
Everything will change.
It is changing now.
He turned his wheelchair slowly to face the fraudulent version of himself, sitting high and proud as he rolled to him.
To it.
To nothing.
He was the mother fucking Johan “Joey” Drew Ramirez, and nothing could take it away.
“You. Are. Not. Real.” he forced from his mouth.
The copy grinned.
“You never were.” he breathed, closing his eyes. “I am me. I am Joey Drew. You are not. You are coding that broke off of the original, because I was afraid of who I was not.”
He rose his head and stuck his chin forward, hands… perfectly steady.
“I’m not good looking. I’m not confident. I’m not smart.”
He inhaled, long and slow.
“And that’s okay. I don’t need to be.”
“I have been told that I am kind. That I am funny. That I am okay. You are not.”
He opened his eyes. The man before him wavered and snapped.
“I love who I am. And you are not me. And I deserve everything I’ve made for myself.”
He turned back around, and wheeled back to Henry.
No more memory wipes. No more feeling wrong.
Meant to be like this.
He was proud of who he was.
He shined his pin on his palm, smiled, and reset with Henry along him.
“Hey, so,” he called to him in the vortex, everything being pulled to them. “Henry, can… do you think we can meet up after all this? I’ve got something to tell you.”
Henry looked at him.
“I know you said that you don’t want to see me again, but… it’s important.”
“Can’t you tell me now?” Henry asked, testily. “While this is all ending?”
“This has happened before,” Joey told him. “All of this.”
“Really now?” Henry asked, curiosity sparked. “Among everything else that’s happened from what you’ve done, this one might just take the cake.”
“Will you meet me?” Johan questioned, tilting his head. “Tuesday, at the old park?”
“I’ll meet you in nineteen thirty, eh?” he smiled at Joey. “Change some things up?”
“N-no,” Joey shifted. “As soon as possible. I’ll probably… go home.”
Henry gazed at him.
“Tuesday at the old park it is,” he quietly affirmed.
Joey smiled at him.
He smiled back.
“I love you, you know,” he said.
“Yeah, yeah,” Henry muttered. “Love you too.”
Joey blinked, then beamed as reality warped around them.
Things were going to be great.
The end.
.
.
.
No.
He still has so many problems.
So much delicious fear, insanity, pain.
He’s not done yet.
Not by a long shot.
He has a job to do, he has a world to fix, and when all is said and done, it will end.
And it is not the end.
It cannot be….
Three pairs of feet surrounded the code that once was the body of Joey Drew.
It will not be...
“Well?” A wavering, glitching voice prompted. “Do we know who’s next?”
Not for a long long time…
“I believe he is,” a pulsing, tired one replied, turning to the last of them. “What do you think?”
Not until the drawing is done and framed and hung….
The ink demon only grinned, all teeth and no happiness.
…. The End.
#joey drew#henry stein#joey drew x henry stein#henry x joey#the end#the concept#the big picture#control art#control writes#mystery#insanity#fever dreams#batim#bendy and the ink machine#ptsd#gracehopper#loops#tw:#overdose#attempted suicide#internalized homophobia#suicidal ideation#depression#queue pasa?#long post#creatorship
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A Little Help
This is a role play between @the-sloth-woman and myself. It features her OCs Alrick & Lilly and my OC Yuki
Status: On Going
Word Count: ---
ღ Warning: This role play contains events and situations that may be a sensitive topic for certain readers. It also contains slight NSFW as it progresses. ღ
♬° ✧❥✧¸.•*¨*✧♡✧ ♬° ✧❥✧¸.•*¨*✧♡✧ ♬° ✧❥✧¸.•*¨*✧♡✧ ♬° ✧❥✧¸.•*¨*✧♡✧
The suns final rays of light touched over the Sakamaki mansion. It was quite ’early’ for those who lived their lives in the darkness. However, the young man was used to this, being up early that was. The dusk air always felt so liberating, so... welcoming. The bright light of the sun always seemed to rejuvenate him somehow- though he had no idea why. With one final deep breath, and a quick stretch, he returned to the mansion.
Yuki always enjoyed his ‘morning’ runs, he actually needed them. Life now was quite... stressful, and running helped. Reiji Sakamaki was the only other awake at this hour, and he was hard at work. He never took much notice of Yuki, however, when it came to house work- Yuki did what he could to assist. The two worked quietly together, not really having anything to say. Reiji made it very clear that he was not ‘comfortable’ with Yuki being here, but he didn’t really tell him to leave either.
Today, Reiji seemed to be cleaning for something- his critiques were a bit harsher than normal. Yuki could over hear him saying someone was visiting the mansion, though he did not catch a name. It didn’t really mean much to Yuki, as once Laito woke up, he would be... busy.
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Alrick stood outside the Sakamaki manor door far earlier than he would have liked. It was his day off, and he would rather have spent his evening sleeping in with Lilly than running errands for his father. But he knew better than to ignore his wishes, so here he was waiting outside the Sakamaki household.
After a few more moments a familiar led him inside. The house smelled like fresh cleaning products, too much so for Alrick’s taste, but he appreciated the gesture nonetheless. He walked into the atrium of the manor and waited for someone, probably Reiji, to meet with him.
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Finally finished, Yuki sighs as the cursed chimney was finally clean. This truly was the worst job in the house. Even worse it made him all dirty. Better get clean before Laito wakes up. In a bit of a hurry, Yuki gathers all of the cleaning supplies and rushes for the main entrance.
In his heist however, he failed to notice the familiars in the room. Not to mention the very real guest that accompanied them. Before he could stop himself, Yuki runs right into the guest. The ash and soot from the chimney spilling all over.
“I-I-I-!!!!”
Yuki’s eyes widen and his entire body starts to shake. How could he be so careless?! He had no idea who this guest was, but if they didn’t kill him- Reiji would! He couldn’t bring himself to look up, he could barely breath.
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“Ah!!” Alrick looked down at his now ruined jacket. He glared at the young man who stood shaking like a lead before him. “What the Hell is wrong with you?! Can’t you look where you’re going?!”
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Yuki flinched at the stranger’s words. He gripped the bottom of his shirt tightly, trying to steady himself.
“I-I... s-sorry... I was....!”
His vision starts to blur, as tears started over flowing. Always messing up. Truly useless. Just as his knees were about to give out a hand finds his back. Touching it softly and a familiar feeling washed over him.
“Now now... crying all ready? We’ve all but just woken up.”
Laito had come up behind Yuki and looked at his pathetic stalker. Yuki quickly covered his face with his sleeve, trying to wipe the tears away.
“L-Laito-senpai. Sorry... I... made a mess and...”
Laito smirks and looks at the man he knows as uncle, though he uses the term lightly. He moves back from Yuki and looks at the mess. With a small whistle he waves the issue.
“You best clean it up, Reiji will be so angry.” With a quick nod Yuki is on the ground cleaning quickly. “Don’t forget this big piece of waste as well~”
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“Disgusting,” Alrick muttered, taking off his jacket. “You’re going to pay to get me a new one, Laito,” Alrick addressed his nephew with a sneer. “Who is that human? Is he your new idea of a pet?”
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“Something like that I suppose.” Yuki’s heart skipped a beat at Laito’s answer. He never usually admits to questions relating to their... whatever this was.
“He’s mostly just an annoying Stalker, barely worth anything.” Yeah, that sounded more like it. Yuki feels the flutter in his chest change to a pulling feeling. Of course, he wasn’t anything more than a stalker in Laito’s eyes. Finished cleaning Yuki stands up and bows to the stranger.
“I... I’m sorry... for getting you dirty...” Laito’s eyes glance at Yuki, then to his uncle. Yuki raises and looks back at Laito for more instruction- or praise- or anything really.
“Alrick-san...!” Reiji’s voice comes from atop the stairs. Immediately he is at their side, glaring at Laito and Yuki. “Honestly, you assault someone you don’t know for him? How low.” Reiji offers Alrick a familiar to take his coat. “My apologizes, allow us to clean this. You came to retrieve something correct? Father wore to me about this. You can wait in the living area while I finish it.”
Laito simply watches his half brother and uncle. Yuki could tell something was off with Laito, but he wasn’t sure why. Who was this man?
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“Finally,” Alrick muttered, handing the familiar his coat. “I’m disappointed, Reiji. Usually you don’t let the house get so,” his eyes flickered back to Yuki, “dirty. Since when did you start taking in male humans?”
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Reiji scoffs in disgust at the mention of the human boy. “It is not mine. Laito is responsible for him being here. Normally it isn’t a bother.” He sighs adjusting his glasses. “Although of course today would be different.”
Laito glares a bit at Reiji, moving to take the dust bag from Yuki. “Such cruel words, Reiji. After all the hard work he does for you~” Yuki blushes at Laito’s praise. He lived for these moments. “Ah! I know~ What better way to welcome our dear Uncle then by letting the little bitch keep him company. After all, that is a perk of having one right? Sharing it with others~?”
Reiji sighs and glares at him. Yuki’s eyes widen and he moves to try and protest when Laito covers his mouth. “Just wait right there, Uncle. Reiji will get your- whatever it is you are waiting for- and I’ll provide you with some entertainment!” Laito grabs Yuki and rushes off, despite Yuki’s obvious protest.
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Alrick raised a bemused eyebrow at the pair running off. “Interesting,” he muttered mostly to himself. “I can’t imagine what kind of things Laito does with that bo-“ he stopped, suddenly the images of what Laito could be doing filling his mind. “Never mind.” Alrick sat in the couch in the atrium and folded his hands behind his head.
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Reiji excuse himself, refusing to be apart of Laito’s game. Hopefully allowing Alrick to leave before the younger vampire could even finish his plan. Moments past for the visitor alone.
Why! Why did he have to do this!? Now of all times... it was so embarrassing. Mortifying, and this stranger was going to see.
Yuki stood just on the other side of the door way. Frozen in fear. Laito has forced- well... asked... convinced? Anyway, Yuki was dressed in woman’s clothing and wig piece. When Laito speaks of a ‘bitch’ this is what he means.
But, there is no way Yuki could go in there!
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Alrick tapped his foot in irritation. On one hand he didn’t want to see any vulgar show, of Laito wanted to put on one, but on the other he was, well....bored. Reiji was taking too long for his liking and there was nothing better for him to do than wait. “If you plan on entertaining me then I’d like to actually see it!”
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Yuki flinches at the sudden demand. He grips onto the skirt, tugging it down a bit. Trying to force himself to move but... but...!
“Go inside all ready.” Laito’s voice barely hit his ears before he was pushed into the room. Stumbling and stammering until he was in front of Alrick. Falling in front of him, helpless on his bottom.
“O-Ow...” Yuki whines a bit then looks up at the strange man. His body trembles as he stares into his eyes.
“P-Please... don’t... I... “ He didn’t want to be here. Didn’t want to do this. If this man was like the Sakamaki, he may bite him. He belonged to Laito, right? So why? Why would he force him into the arms of someone else. It didn’t make any sense. “M-My...! My blood... b-belongs to L-Laito-s-se-senpai so...! You can’t....”
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Alrick tilted his head to the side and stared down at the young man before him. He didn’t look bad dressed as a woman, but the whole scene was laughable regardless. Alrick tilted back his head and let out a laugh. “Do you really think you have the right to resist me if I wanted to bite you?” He grinned and snatched Yuki’s wrist from the floor in a lightning-quick movement. “How arrogant,” he teased, his hand squeezing Yuki’s wrist.
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Yuki gasped in pain from the pressure put on his wrist. With his other hand, institutionally trying to push the man’s arm away. “I...! Can’t but... Laito-senpai...”
Tears started to fill his eyes once more. If this man bit him, he’d be ruined. Laito would never want him again, he was sure of it. “P-Please... l-let me go...”
“Ah~ isn’t she just wonderful?” Laito’s voice calls from the door. He walks over to them and kneels down to hold onto one of Yuki’s legs. “I don’t mind sharing with you, Uncle, of course~ After all you are a guest. It would be so rude to not offer you a refreshment, no?” Yuki looked to his love with terror in his eyes. Surely he was joking?
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Alrick sighed and dropped Yuki’s hand. “How hospitable,” he said sardonically. “And don’t call me uncle,” Alrick snapped. He looked Yuki up and down once more and leaned back into the couch. “I’m not so low class as to take any blood you throw at me. And besides, unlike you I find sharing disgusting.”
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Laito pouts slightly. How utterly boring. He drops Yuki’s leg and raises to his feet. “Suite yourself. Then simply enjoy the company of a Bitch as you see fit.” With that he leaves the two alone. Yuki pants a bit, feeling very relieved that nothing happened. After composing himself enough he stands.
“... T.... Thank you...” His body was still a little shaken. He wanted to leave, but Laito has told him to stay with his Uncle so, he couldn’t. So, he stood there, awkwardly. He wasn’t one for starting conversations, or even knowing how to. What entertainment could he possibly be. Beside that, he would much rather just be with Laito. He wouldn’t mind so much being dressed like this for him.
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“Don’t,” Alrick resisted the urge to lick his fangs. The whole ordeal had made him thirsty, but he wasn’t going to give Yuki or Laito the satisfaction of knowing it. “I didn’t refuse for your benefit, so don’t get any ideas about that.” Alrick looked at Yuki’s shaking and gestures to the couch. “Sit,” he instructed. “Your trembling is irritating me.”
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Flinching yet again, Yuki nods and sits- as far from Alrick as possible. He clenched onto the skirt once more, pulling it down. It was so uncomfortable. He kept his eyes fixated on his own hands. To terrified to look at the man. Unknowingly to him, since Alrick brought up the shaking, it only mad it worse. His feet now making small noises as his legs quivered.
It was hell being this anxious all the time. He simply wanted a nice day with Laito. Now here he was with a relative and- Wait. A relative. Perhaps... he could ask him about Laito. The two did not seem close but maybe, just maybe, this man had some information he could use. First he would need to ask him. Yuki took in a deep breath, trying to calm himself.
“E... Excuse me...!” He blurts out rather loudly. He blushes deeply realizing it and covers his mouth.
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Alrick raised his eyebrow. “Yes? What is it?”
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Yuki pauses for a moment to re-collect himself. That out burst was, unplanned, and took him off guard. “I... well... You’re... related to Laito-senpai... right?”
This is so outside his comfort zone, but he couldn’t let a chance like this slip by. If there was a chance to learn something- anything- about Laito, he’d do it.
“He... called you uncle so... you must be... in some way...”
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Alrick let out a bitter laugh. “Yes, I have the distinct misfortune to be related to the Sakamakis. And he is, unfortunately, correct. I’m his mother’s brother, so that makes me his uncle. Why?” His tone turned mocking.
“Are you trying to cozy up to me order to win his favor? It won’t work, as you can tell we aren’t fond of each other.”
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A relative through his mother. Yuki barely knew anything about her- other than the fact that she was a live at some point and now isn’t. “N-No... I... perhaps a little...”
Yuki blushed slightly, getting found out all ready. “I... Laito-senpai is... precious to me.” He finally looks at him. “I was wondering if... you could... tell me how to... or rather... maybe teach me...?” His words trail off at the end as he starts to get nervous about asking for help.
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“Teach you to win the affections of a man? Sorry, I don’t have any experience with men,” Alrick smirked.
He looked Yuki up and down and saw wild desperation in his eyes. Laito didn’t seem to be too fond of the boy, but he didn’t seem to hate him either. Alrick wondered just what the extent of their relationship was. “Are you telling me that you have affection for my slut of a nephew?”
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Yuki’s face lite up at his words. “Senpai isn’t... I mean he... I...” He couldn’t lie saying that Laito didn’t get around. He knew that all too well actually. There were countless times Laito would call him, during the act. “... I love him... very much...”
His voice was like a whisper, and laced with hurt. It hurt him to say that because no matter how many times he did, Laito still didn’t love him back. “I... I would do anything... so if you... if there is anything you can think of that could help I...”
Yuki didn’t really know what to ask. Alrick said he didn’t have any experience with men- but he wasn’t interested in that subject really. All he cared about was how to win Laito’s affections. Not any man’s. His and his alone.
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Alrick looked at Yuki, an idea forming in his head. “So, you say you love him, hmm? Well, I suppose I do know a thing or two about my nephew that might help you win his affection. But what do I get in return for telling you?”
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Yuki’s eyes light up at his words. Anything at all, would be helpful at this point. He wanted something in return, of course- no one gives anything for nothing. “I... don’t have anything to give you...”
He excitement falls as he thinks for a moment. What could he give an immortal? He had no possessions. “I’m... a hard worker so... maybe I could... do things for you? Like... jobs... or... “
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Alrick’s own eyes lit up. It was just what he had been hoping to hear the young man say. “A hard worker? Well, that isn’t exactly what I wanted, but I think I can manage to find some use for you.”
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“I... don’t think I have anything else... so...” Yuki smiles softly. In truth, he would do really anything- well within reason. Though... Laito has let others touch him before. The thought of those times made Yuki’s skin crawl. “S-So... what... can I do...? How can I... be better...?���
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“Do something to show me that you are capable of being useful. So far I’ve seen, well,” he looked down at the dirt still splattered on his pants, “that you’re useless. So prove me wrong.” He thought for a minute of things he wanted Yuki to do. “Go make me something to eat.”
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Yuki whines a bit, remembering his mistake. He was useless. However, this was his chance. Cooking he can do! “O-Of course! What... is your favorite? I can... make anything...” He stands with a look of determination.
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“I want strawberry crepes,” Alrick grinned. “With lots of whipped cream. And don’t take too long with them.”
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Yuki smiles and nods. This was easy! Crepes were something that he’d made many times over. Rushing into the kitchen, it takes him no time to finish them. He is sure to add extra whipped cream just as asked. Although Yuki likes to add his own style to dishes. Since Alrick wanted a lot of cream, that was inside of the crepe. The strawberries he made into a nice purée- leaving some pieces in tact. Satisfied, he walks back out to Alrick. “I... I hope this is... all right.”
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Alrick eagerly took the plate and took a big bite, getting whipped cream on his nose. He chewed for a minute, thoughtful. “Not bad,” he said after a moment. “I suppose you can do a few things right.”
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Yuki smiled, bouncing a bit with excitement. He was happy to be able to do something right. He also let a small laugh escape him, seeing this scary man look like this was funny. Alrick has a bit of cream on his nose, it was cute. “I’m glad...”
He waited until Alrick was finished, not wanting to disturb the meal. When he was finished, Yuki took the plate. “... h... how else can I... prove myself...?”
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Alrick considered this, still not noticing the whipped cream on his nose. In truth he did have a list of things for Yuki to do, but most of them were back at his own manor. Of course he doubted Laito would even notice if the boy was missing. And if he did, well it would be a funny way to annoy him. “Come home with me, I need to prove that you can handle yourself in a foreign environment.”
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Yuki’s heart sank. Leave? He couldn’t leave. Would Laito even notice he was gone? “I... you... can really help me... right...? If... I leave...”
He didn’t want to leave Laito’s side. If he did, who was to say what would happen. But then again, this could be helpful. Wasn’t there a saying, distance makes the heart fonder? “... I-I’ll go... if you’re certain...”
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Alrick’s voice was a smooth purr. “Of course I’m sure. Who else better knows Laito than his dear uncle, hmm? Besides, this will give him a chance to miss you, won’t it?”
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Perhaps, this was a good idea. Maybe Laito would miss him. At least, he hoped so. At that moment Reiji returned with a item Yuki couldn’t make out.
“I apologize for the delay.” Reiji looks at Yuki, who was still dressed in his woman’s clothes. His eyes tore at Yuki, he was disgusted with him. It made him extremely self conscious, wanting to disappear. “I also apologize for Laito’s behavior. Parading the boy around in such a manner. It is quite an embarrassment.”
Yuki could feel the tears bubbling up in his eyes. He had all ready cried twice today, that was a record.
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Alrick got to his feet. “Well, someone has to be held accountable for his behavior. You,” he looked at Yuki. “Retrieve what Reiji has for me.”
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Yuki stiffen and looks to Reiji. He walks towards him and offers his hands for Reiji to give him the item. “Oh... after one sitting you have moved on to some else?” Reiji muses giving Yuki the small package.
Yuki did not meet his gaze, and held his tongue. He wanted to defend himself and his actions, but what could he say. “Do you plan on taking him with you? I suppose it matters not to me.” Yuki walks over to Alrick, holding onto the package- imagining that he would have to hold it anyway.
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“He’s making up for ruining my clothes,” Alrick lies effortlessly. “You don’t mind, do you? It did happen under your watch, I suppose you could do his punishment if you wished.”
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“It is not my place to give him punishment.” Reiji says scoffing. “You can do with him what you wish.”
Yuki knew that Reiji did not care of his departure, but what of Laito. Surely he would protest it right? Or, would they even tell him? “Well then, I shall escort the two of you out. Did you want to keep him dressed as such?” Reiji ask eyeing Yuki.
“Oh... r-right...I could go and change...”
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“Yes, go change. And be quick about it, I want to go home.” Alrick turned to Reiji. “Is my jacket finished being cleaned?”
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Yuki nods and rushes off to his room. Reiji summons his familiar to deliver Alrick’s coat. “Of course. I apologize again for the inconvenience.”
Yuki quickly takes off the female clothing. It felt so much better to have that wig off and pants. As he changed, part of him wanted Laito to appear, but he did not. Yuki wondered if he knew about this plan to leave. Was he angry, and just ignoring him? Perhaps he should leave him a note? Just to be safe?
‘I’ll be gone for a while. Though I am not sure how long.
I love you, Senpai.’
He lays it on his pillow and heads back down stairs to meet Alrick at the door. “I... I’m ready...”
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Alrick put his coat back on and nodded curtly. “Good, lets go.”
He lead Yuki out to his car and got in the back, already intent on making Yuki tackle the library when they arrived home.
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Yuki sat quietly, holding onto Alricks package. “... is... there...” He starts to speak. “...have I... earned some...” How should he word this.
He wanted to ask about some information on Laito now. Since he had done as told so far. “C-Could you... about... Laito-senpai...”
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“Hmmm,” Alrick chewed his lip thoughtfully.
“Laito likes word games. Crosswords, things like that.”
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Yuki looks at Alrick, pouting involuntarily. “I know that...!” He says rather impatient.
“Laito-senpai does a crossword everyday. He gets so focused on them sometimes that he doesn’t even notice me watching.” Yuki blushes a bit, thinking on how Laito looks while doing this puzzles.
The small glances he’d give Yuki when he decided to take a break. “I... want to know how... what can I do to... win his favor...”
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Alrick grinned. “I never said my information was perfect. You’ll have to accept that until you do something else that I want you to do.”
The car rolled to a stop outside the Rosenfeld manor. Alrick stepped out and marched up inside my the manor; leaving Yuki behind.
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Yuki bites his lip, cursing himself for being so naive. Of course, that he’d have to work harder to get real information. He was so distracted in thought, that he failed to notice the car stop and Alrick leaving him. He didn’t until the familiar opened his door and he stumbled to get out. The mansion was, very intimidating. Then again, most things were to Yuki. Not forgetting the package he rushes after Alrick, tripping a few times before getting inside.
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Alrick stepped into the main entryway. “Lilly!” He called. A girl with bright red hair appeared on the stairs wearing nothing but one of Alrick’s shirts. “Where have you been” She asked, not noticing the door was left open.
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Yuki came in, and almost ran into Alrick again. Luckily he looked up just in time to stop himself. Yelping softly, then sighing with relief that he managed to stop. He steps to the side, as to ask Alrick what he should do now when he saw a woman. He eyed her to notice she wasn’t wearing any pants. The shock immediately brightened his face and he used the package to cover his eyes. “I-I-I’m sorry...! I can go back outside...!” He stutters distressed and turns around.
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Lilly squealed and immediately dove behind a pillar on the staircase. “Alrick!! Who is this?!”
“This,” Alrick said, broadly gesturing to Yuki, “is Laito’s new paramour. He’s going to be here learning ways to entice Laito. In fact, he’s a decent cook. So he can start by making you breakfast. Right, Yuki?” Alrick teased.
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Yuki tensed at Alrick’s word choice. He wasn’t sure what a “paramour” was, but it sounded... serious. He turns, keeping the package over his face. “I-I... o-of course...!” He keeps his face hidden and runs out do the entry room. Not sure where the actual kitchen was, he peeks back in- covering his face still, “I... don’t know where... the kitchen is... I’m sorry...”
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“I’ll show you,” Alrick huffed and marched down a small hallway to the kitchen. Lilly blushed bright red and ran back into Alrick’s bedroom to change, not understanding the new person in the house.
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Yuki hurries after him, completely embarrassed from what happened. “I... I’m sorry...! I didn’t know... there would be other people...” he mumbles looking down as he followed Alrick’s feet. “J-Just let me know... what to cook and I will...!”
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Alrick chuckled to himself. He was enjoying this already. “Waffles,” he instructed. “And coffee. And then clean the kitchen. And bring it up to my room”
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Yuki nods, determined to prove himself. “How... will I know where your room is..?” He ask looking around the kitchen. He would have to clean all of this...? Best to not make one while cooking. “I-I’ll make the waffles... and coffee... and clean but... then you’ll tell me something more right...?”
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“Of course I will. And as for my room? Well, you’ll just have to figure that out,” Alrick laughed and left the kitchen, heading back to his own room
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Yuki nods and rolls his sleeves up. He waste no time in making the breakfast for Alrick’s human friend. He wasn’t sure if the girl likes anything else with them- so he made sure to leave the butter and syrup on the side. Same with the coffee- leaving everything out of it. In the kitchen he managed to find some serving treys- and got everything on a trey, so he could carry it.
Now the only problem was fining the bedroom before it gets too cold. Yuki could see familiars around, but back at the Sakamaki’s they were useless to speak with- not to mention scary. He would have to find it on his own. Gripping the try tightly, he started his search. Checking down every hallway and knocking on every door.
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Alrick collapsed back onto his bed with a wide grin. Lilly stood at the end of the bed, her cheeks still flushed from running into Yuki earlier. “Alrick, just what is going on?” She asked, nervously playing with her shirt.
“I’m playing a game,” he replied plainly. “Don’t you think it will be interesting to see how Laito reacts to missing his own little pet?”
Lilly looked like the answer was no. A knock at the door made Lilly jump. “Dammit, I wanted to see him get lost,” Alrick said.
Lilly opened the door to see Yuki standing there with a tray of food. “Hi,” she said quietly, feeling very uncomfortable.
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Yuki blushes seeing the girl again. “S-So-Sorry...! I... brought this for you... um... I-I didn’t know how you liked it so I was sure to not add in anything!” He says rather quickly, keeping his eyes down. He wasn’t sure if he was allowed to come in, or if he should leave it there. The trey rattled as his body began to shake. “U-Um... s-sorry again I... what should I...?”
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“Put it on the desk,” Alrick drawled lazily. He rolled over and sat up. “Hmm, is the kitchen spotless?”
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Yuki moves past the woman and puts the trey down as he asked. Turning towards him, Yuki is mindful not to look at the woman. Far too embarrassed. “Y-Yes...! I... cleaned every where...” He fidgets a bit, feeling really uncomfortable. “I... I can wait outside if you... wanted some... privacy...” He was used to this, in a sense. Laito often has guest over.
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Lilly quickly moved out of the way and sat back on the bed, pulling her legs to her chest. She hated it when Alrick did spontaneous things like this.
“Let me ask you something,” Alrick addressed Yuki, learning over to grab Lilly’s coffee and handing it to her. “Just why are you interested in Laito anyways? What do you see in him?”
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Yuki tenses a bit at Alrick’s words. “Why do I...” he got asked this question quite often. With a small smile he looks up at the older male. “Because it’s him... Laito-Senpai is... amazing. He is kind... and thoughtful... when everyone else... ignores me... Laito-Senpai doesn’t. He saved my life...” he blushes thinking about that day, when he met Laito- and fell in love with him. “I know... he’s not perfect... that I can’t simply... be what he needs but...! I want to...!”
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Alrick laughed. “Even when he fucks ten other people behind your back?” Lilly took a sip of the coffee and looked Yuki up and down. She knew just what it felt like to love someone and know that they didn’t reciprocate.
“Well I think it’s sweet,” she said, smiling softly. “You seem like a really nice person, I’m sure Laito will come around eventually.”
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Yuki bites his lip a bit, it’s not behind his back. He knew, he knew every. Single. Time. Anytime Laito was with someone else, he was either all ready around to see, or Laito reached out to him via text or phone call. There have been plenty of times where Yuki sat on curled up in his room while Laito was on the phone having sex. “... thank you...” was all he said however. Putting those depressing thoughts aside, he completed a task right. “Um... do.. I get my next... reward now...?” He ask timidly.
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“I suppose so. Lilly, is the food good?”
“Oh yes,” she nodded enthusiastically. “Thank you very much for breakfast.”
Alrick turned back to Yuki. “If you want to win Laito’s attention you need to put up more of a fight. From what I remember his favorite partners were those that he could play with and break to his whim. If you’re already giving in to everything he says he won’t have any fun.”
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Yuki pouts a bit, “But I...” He knew what Alrick wasn’t lying. Laito did turn away from him the most when he felt ‘bored’ “... how... can I do that? I... don’t want to fight him...”
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“Well,” Alrick thought for a moment. Yuki seemed to have as much physical prowess of a mouse, and as much fire in his soul as a pot of ash. “You don’t have to physically fight him. He’d probably break your arm if you tried. But if he wants something don’t just give it to him. Say no, be bratty, be,” he smirked, “hard to get.”
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“I-I could never... what if he gets mad at me...?” Yuki couldn’t even imagine that. “A-And be... hard to get... how...?” This whole thing had him on edge. “I... don’t think I can do that... if he gets mad... and leaves...” his body starts to tense up again as tears form in his eyes.
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Alrick rolled his eyes. “He won’t get maaaaad. It’ll be more interesting for him. And you want to interest Laito, right?”
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“More than anything...!” Yuki says eagerly. He wasn’t sure about this but, if it was for Laito then, “... c-could you... teach me more...?” He ask softly. “I... I don’t know... anything about this and I... don’t want to mess up...” Yuki wipes his eyes and bows deeply. “Please...! I’ll do anything... I can keep cleaning... and cooking... I’ll do everything in my power...”
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“Oh you’ll absolutely need to do more. In fact, you can start on my homework for school. It’s due Monday and I don’t particularly feel like writing an essay today. If you do a good job I’ll give you more points.” Alrick paused. “What grade are you in? You do go to the same school as us, right?”
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Yuki looks up a bit confused. “I... I’m a first year...” He fidgets with his sleeve. “I... can do my best... e-even if I don’t know the material... I can do research... I won’t let you down...!”
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“You’d better not,” Alrick warmed. “If you do I just might give you some bad information.”
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Yuki nods determined and gathers all the now dirty dishes. “I... I’ll go clean these. Then come back to do your essay...” He bows slightly and excuses himself back to the kitchen.
While the human is away, a presence suddenly makes it’s self known in the bed room. Laito lightly touch’s Lily’s shoulder, inhaling her scent playfully. “I can’t imagine needing another human around when having one this delicious~” He comments maintaining a now firm grasp on the girl. “Uncle~ you wouldn’t mind offering her as an apology right, Nfu.”
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Lilly shrieked and tried breaking free of the now intruding vampire’s grasp. Alrick leaped off the bed and towered over his nephew, his hands balled into tight fists. White-hot rage coursed through his veins and it took all his willpower not to punch Laito in the mouth. “How dare you lay your filthy hands on what is mine?” He hissed through his teeth.
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Laito smirks up at his uncle. He releases the human, tossing her slightly. “I assumed we were sharing now.” Laito’s eyes sharpen now looking towards the door. “Don’t look so angry Uncle. Your wrinkles show so much more when you make that face.”
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Lilly immediately scrambled away from Laito, her cheeks burning. Her arm felt hot where he touched her, and she self-consciously tugged at her shirt sleeve.
Alrick sneered at his nephew. “Honestly Laito, you act like a baby who’s lost his favorite toy. You’ve certainly put a lot of work into retrieving your human. If I didn’t know better,” he smirked, “I would think you were attached to him.”
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Laito is about to respond when Yuki walks back into the room. “I finished cleaning... I can start on your-“ he freezes seeing Laito. Eyes widen with a mixture of fear and excitement. Why was he here? “S-Senpai...!” Laito pushes past Alrick, “I simply wondered where the stalker went. Seems he’s found someone else to annoy. Thank goodness~ enjoy him.” He coldly says glaring at Yuki. With that Laito leaves, vanishing from the house.
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“Tch,” Alrick snarled and stormed over to Lilly, grabbing her arm in an iron grip. “Ugh, you smell like him now. Go shower.”
She trembled in his grasp and nodded, running off as soon as she was able. Alrick sighed and turned towards Yuki. “Bastard” he muttered. “Well, you should be happy about that at least.”
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Yuki stood very still- almost too still. Like there was something... happening to him. His eyes were locked on the ground, his body tense.
“... H-Happy...?” His voice was soft but surprisingly firm. Yuki looked up to the vampire, his eyes stern. “You... told me he wouldn’t...!” There were tears in his eyes, but not like before. Not sorrow filled or embarrassment. Anger. “How is this helpful. If Laito hates me now... how is that good?!” He sounded so different from his usual meek self. This new found emotion seemed to imitate around him.
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Alrick crossed his arms and stood his ground. “You’re more dense than I thought. Isn’t that what you wanted the entire time, to know that he cares?” He twisted the last word in mock sweetness. “He’s jealous.”
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“J-Jealous...!” Instantly any aura he may have been emitting vanished. The anger left his eyes and voice. Back once again to his normal unsure state. “H-How do you... are you... Senpai wasn’t... was he...?” Yuki blushes and wipes his eyes. Could that be it? Was Laito jealous of him leaving? “... if he was then...! C-Can I stay here longer...? I won’t be a bother...! I’ll work really hard...! Please let me... keep learning from you...”
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Alrick pretended to think about it for a moment. “As long as you don’t get into any trouble while you’re here. And if you finish my essay. AND if you apologize to Lilly for being the cause of that pervert touching her. Then maybe I’ll let you stay,” he smirked.
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Yuki’s eyes sparkled as he nods. “O-Of course! I won’t...! I-I mean I will apologies and not...! And of course I’ll do your essay too I...!” He stammers a bit. “I’ll... begin on the essay... and then apologies to L-Lilly -San once she’s finished...” He beams happily, excited by this new development. Laito actually jealous? If he really was then, that meant he liked Yuki- even if it was just a little.
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“Start the essay now,” Alrick waved his hand. “You can go to the library if you need to look something up. Then, if you do a good job, we can think of more ways to make Laito jealous.”
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Yuki nods happily and runs off. This essay was about some kind of historical event... of which Yuki had no knowledge of. Thankfully this was a really big library, hopefully it could help him? Yuki wasn’t really the... book worm type but- for Laito he’d do anything. He found a couple books that had the event in question among it’s context. It took a lot longer than he thought to read through it all, hours had past and he was finally done with reading and note taking.
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Lilly had made her way down to the library after her shower. She intended on working on an essay of her own, but the presence of the human made her more than a little nervous. She hid behind one of the bookcases, occasionally peeking out and watching Yuki work.
He didn’t look like someone who wanted to hurt Alrick, but she didn’t want to take any chances. She kept her eyes on him, remaining completely hidden until she accidentally knocked over a pile of books.
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Yuki stretches a bit, rubbing his eyes as well. This was going to be a long night... probably even into the day hours. Maybe there was some coffee in this house? Yuki wasn’t the biggest fan of the beverage, but it did help keep him awake. Just as he was about to stand a pile of books suddenly fall.
He stiffens, thinking he caused it and looks around. After noticing that it wasn’t his fault, he looked around to find the source. “H-Hello...? Is... someone there...?” He was a little scared. Dealing with vampires is one things but... ghost were still scary.
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“Shit,” Lilly muttered under her breath. “S-sorry!” She called out. She grabbed the nearest book and stepped out from behind the bookshelf. “Sorry! I was, um, just looking for this!” She turned it over in her hand. “1001 uses for Elderberries,” she said. “Yeah.... real useful.”
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Yuki let’s out a sigh of relief. “Oh... Lily-San...” he smiles softly, just happy that it wasn’t a ghost. “Do... you have a report due as well? I... I could do it... for you...” he offers though honestly he wasn’t sure if he could.
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“Oh no! I mean, I’m, I have a report due, but I wouldn’t ask you to do it for me,” she said hastily. Lilly made her way to Yuki’s table and sat in front of him. “Um...how’s alrick’s essay going?”
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Yuki sighs a little and looks down at his notes. “Well... part one is done...” He says softly. A few moments ticked by, sort of painfully slowly. “I... um... I’m sorry for... what happened before.” He says blushing a bit. “Senpai... only touched you because of me...” saying that out loud, kind of made him feel good. The thought that Laito actually came to see him... it felt nice.
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Lilly felt her cheeks heat up. “I-it’s okay!” She stammered. “I know Laito isn’t the most...conservative with his hands. I’m just relieved Alrick wasn’t more angry about it,” she played with her fingers. “He can be very possessive sometimes.”
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Yuki feels the awkward air loosen a bit and he closes the books up. “That’s good... I... wouldn’t know...” he doesn’t really know how to respond. Deciding that the essay still needed to get done, Yuki brings out some lined paper gets his notes in order. Quietly he moves to tie his bangs back, they always get in the way when he’s trying to focus. He couldn’t help but worry that Lilly would mock him. Everyone as school always starred at him, and the other boys picked on him for his hair constantly.
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Lilly smiled softly. “Your hair looks really nice like that,” she encouraged. She felt horribly guilty for spying on Yuki, she could see that there was no malicious intent inside of him. “I bet Laito thinks it’s just adorable.”
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Yuki’s body tenses, causing him to drop his pencil and his face to grow hot. “I... I-I...!” He stammers and quickly picks up a book to cover his face. “N-No...! I... look re-really dumb...!” He whines remembering the millions of times people have told him different. Tears start to burn his eyes. “Y... You don’t... have to lie...” he says weakly. There have been girls that give him back handed compliments. There was a time when he thought he could trust girls but... they only got close so their boyfriends could ambush him later.
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“No, no! I wasn’t lying, I promise!” She reached out a hand to give him a reassuring pat on the shoulder, but thought better of it. Alrick wouldn’t be happy if he caught her touching him, and she was afraid of making him feel worse. “I meant what I said,” she said quietly. “I don’t think you look dumb at all...”
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“No, no! I wasn’t lying, I promise!” She reached out a hand to give him a reassuring pat on the shoulder, but thought better of it. Alrick wouldn’t be happy if he caught her touching him, and she was afraid of making him feel worse. “I meant what I said,” she said quietly. “I don’t think you look dumb at all...”
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Yuki shakes his head and tries to brush the compliment off. He puts the book down and wipes his eyes. “I... I’m...” He sniffles and gets all his things back in order. Yuki really has no idea how to positively deal with that. All he knew was to go back to work, keep his eyes down, and not say a word. The more the speaks, the harder people tend to hit him.
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“Oh...” Lilly looked at his eyes brimming with tears. “I’ll...um, wait,” she says, leaping up from the table. “Just a second, I’ll be right back!”
She turned and took off into the shelves of books, disappearing behind one corner.
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Yuki looks up a bit, confused and startled by her sudden movements. He had work to do, so he didn’t give it too much more thought.
This paper wasn’t going to write itself, and it had to be perfect. Hopefully he could pull this off, he was only a first year after all. What standards did the upper classes even have? Would the teachers notice it wasn’t written by Alrick? Would he get in trouble?! That thought hadn’t crossed his mind yet.
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Lilly ran back, a box of Kleenex in her hands. “Here!” She said, a little too loudly. “I’m sorry I was gone so long, I just thought.... that these might be good!”
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At the suddenly presence and burst of noise, Yuki fumbles and drops his pencil. “Aha-!” He looks up to see Lilly offering him some tissues. A bit startled but he reaches out for some. “T... Thank you... s-Sorry...” He says wiping himself up and getting his pencil.
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“S-Sorry... I... didn’t mean to... cry like that...” Yuki says softly. “You... were just being nice... right...?” He offers her a small smile. “I... should finish this... for Alrick-San...”
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“Y-yeah, I was... I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you cry like that...” She slid into the seat across from Yuki and nervously played with her bracelet. “I’m sorry Alrick is making you write his report, that’s not very fair of him.”
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Yuki shakes his head and pokes at his head. “Not the first... homework I’ve done.” He says laughing softly. “Laito-senpai... doesn’t like to do his either...” he says thinking of how many times he’s stayed awake doing Laito’s homework. “So long as... he can help me I don’t mind...” Yuki looks over at her, “... did... he... um... I mean... that... n-never mind....” he blushes and looks back down.
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“Did he what....?” She tilted her head to the side. “You can ask me, I promise I won’t get angry. I’m sorry that I scared you earlier, but I won’t do it again.”
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“Did... he... get that...?” He ask pointing at the bracelet. “It’s... pretty...” Yuki is sure to continue working on the essay while asking her. He didn’t want to be here all night.
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“Oh,” she blushed and looked at her bracelet. “Not...exactly. It was gift from my mother from a long time ago. Alrick has a similar one...” She wasn’t completely lying. It was from her mother, just not how she implied. It was a symbol between the covenant between her and Alrick, a sign that she belonged to him. “It’s called a slave bracelet...”
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The led from his pencil snapped at her final words. Oh gosh! What had he done?! Why did he ask that! “I... I’m sorry! I shouldn’t have asked! Please forget I even brought it up!” He panics and nervously clicks at his pencil. “W-Well! Y-You know... ua...! At-At least you have a tie to him...!” He says in a panic. “I... I would... ah- b-but...! That’s not... um... j-just forget it!!”
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“It’s okay,” she smiled softly. “A lot of people have asked me about my bracelet. It’s not ugly or anything, it just reminds me of my mother. You don’t need to feel bad about asking, I promise.”
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Yuki still felt bad for asking. The word slave was negative, but still... it’s better than nothing. “Do you... l-like... Alrick-san? I mean...! You don’t... have to answer that... sorry...” He bonks his head a bit. Why would he ask more dumb questions?!
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She blushes as red as her hair. “I....” She began, unsure of how to answer. “I.... I love Alrick more than anything,” she confessed, the words stinging as they left her mouth. “B-but he doesn’t feel the same way about me. And I understand that, I do... I mean, aside from the obvious reason, who could ever love someone like me?”
Her hand flew to her mouth. She had said more than she should have, and now she had the sudden urge to crawl into a hole and die.
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Yuki’s head couldn’t help but tilt, “Obvious...? Why... would you say that...?” He’s honestly shocked by her answer. “I thought that... I mean... I assumed...” thinking on it, perhaps he was just ensuring his slave was fed? Who was he to know what an actual relationship looked like. “... it’s okay... I get that...” he says offering her a small smile. “We’re the same then...”
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“I, uh, well.....” she looked around, still embarrassed by her sudden confession. “He says that his kind can’t feel love... it’s different for vampires, but not demons. So, my feelings are kind of pointless.” She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. “Please don’t tell him about this...?”
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Yuki nods and zips his lips. He was comfortable enough now to write without feeling tense around her. “I’m... going to... write this okay...? Um... if you want any help with yours... I can...” He offers her a smile and gets to work.
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She shook her head and pulled out her own notebook. “I’m okay, thank you. I might need some help with math later,” she chuckled, trying to to make the sudden ache in her chest lessen. She opened a book and began writing her own essay quietly.
♬° ✧❥✧¸.•*¨*✧♡✧ To Be Continued ♬° ✧❥✧¸.•*¨*✧♡✧
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