#mental disability mention
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well, friends. i’m sure a good lot of you have seen this post. i was denied today. i have to contact a lawyer and i don't even know how to begin advocating for myself outside of simply contacting the firm an ex-friend of mine used to obtain disability.
if you would rather not read the whole vent, i completely understand. but if you would still like to provide answers or support to me, here are my main issues.
i need advice from others who have been denied disability and have gone through a lawyer to obtain it. i need advice on what to do about getting started with victim advocacy. that's about it, i reckon. i love you all. my dm's are open. you will be blocked if you clown.
and yes, i realize my stim blog is not the place to talk about this. i understand, but this is my largest audience and i feel i would be a fool to not post this somewhere it may be actually received.
tw for mental health talk / long vent under the cut, particularly of the despairing kind, and also mentions of CSA / CSAM, psychosis, and my general disabilities. if this post needs more trigger tags, please let me know and i'll add them.
my whole life i have been treated as if i am not struggling because i can do the bare minimum to keep myself alive. i can survive, but never thrive, and even surviving now has become difficult. i can't feed myself regularly, my guardians do that for me. i can't stand for longer than a few minutes at a time without extreme duress and pain, which makes cleaning, showering, and going out super difficult and beyond draining. i can understand abstract concepts and certain ideas and am emotionally intelligent, but i struggle heavily with understanding money or how government works, particularly when it comes to laws and loopholes. i don't know when i'm "being had", as it were, and others have pointed this out to me throughout my adulthood. it feels as though this entire disability journey has been me "being had". they gave me something to cling on to, the possibility i may be able to receive real help, and it seems as though they basically knew the whole time they were going to deny me again. for the fourth time. i know that is unrealistic but, it does feel that way.
i wrote several full length books when i was a child / young teenager, and had two published. i won't share the titles because i have outgrown what i wrote and find them childish and frankly embarrassing, but everyone upon learning that i have written and had novels published, immediately jumps to the conclusion that i am some kind of self-sufficient, incredibly intelligent and capable person. i have never once been able to effectively take care of myself. without my guardians, i wouldn't be able to manage money, insurance, bills, cars, groceries, among other things. i don't even halfway understand how insurance on anything even works despite having been shown how it works.
i can see something, be "taught" to the best of someone's ability, and i will still not be able to learn. this has been a constant issue throughout my life, and the american public school system has continually helped these issues perpetuate. all schooling has done is teach me how to parrot back concepts and ideas, remember them for a limited amount of time before losing them to the void, and not how to fundamentally understand and learn them or utilize them in daily life. even higher education was like this, and i was not able to thrive throughout my experience with college despite making mostly okay grades (i cheated and lied a lot, okay. i'm not proud of it but i felt i had to get through or i would be severely punished). i had to a sign an agreement that i personally still do not fully understand to "obtain" my associate's degree, and i do not know why despite the fact it was explained to me, in detail. the information has not registered, and i now no longer have anyone that was involved in said agreement to explain it to me. everyone i say this to is like, "what? that doesn't make any sense." and i'm like. yeah. it doesn't, and i have zero ability to explain it to them in a way that makes sense.
i mention my associate's degree because i am sure in some form or fashion it was used against me in the disability process, since i was "able to complete higher education". also it should be noted i did an early college program. also probably has been used against me. also cheated through most of it.
people have always considered my kind of autism to be hyper competent, since it appeared that way when i was a child, despite showing several signs that i was struggling with a math-centric learning disability, called dyscalculia. i have since deteriorated to the point of barely having the knowledge a young adult should have, about how life works financially and honestly in general.
i have extreme fear about what may happen to me without proper assistance. my guardians will be able to take care of me for some time, but after that? that feels like a black hole to me. it doesn't exist nor will it while i am under-assisted, and this black hole fills me with utter despair. i try not to let it permeate my daily life, so as to not dwell in a future that doesn't exist yet and has the possibility for change. but god. it fills me with literal existential dread, and it is becoming so much more difficult to ignore the older i get.
a lot of factors have been used against me my entire life to deny me assistance, and these reasons being yet another factor has really dredged up a lot of shit from my past.
this is besides the point, but i also learned recently that CSAM was made and distributed of me when i was a child and wow. that has hit me in ways i cannot even describe. part of me is like, why was i not allowed to know after the fact, even when i became an adult? i was directly involved. why did no one tell me my abuser was convicted for counts of spreading CSAM, and that they lied directly to the court system about their inappropriate actions with me? i was disenfranchised in more ways than one by more than one person on allowance of my abuser, and i am just now hearing about it. i don't know how to deal and i don't know how to get started with victim advocacy in my area.
but at the same time, whilst being treated as severely more competent than i am, i have also been infantilized relentlessly, by nearly everyone around me. how does this make any sense. i feel incredibly stupid and uninformed and at the same time privy to things about my disabilities others are not, while not being able to effectively communicate it. i feel i am screaming and begging for help, nearly at my wits end with a lot of things, and all of it is reading as "owie booboo" to anyone who could do anything to help. i feel i am falling through the cracks, and i fear having to crawl back up through them. i fear i won't make the trek. i fear i will lose motivation and let myself rot. it feels like no one in a position of power has taken a true effort to really help me and i cannot help or advocate for myself. i am very scared.
on top of all of that stuff, i am withdrawing pretty heavily from cymbalta, experiencing heightened panic attacks every day, PNES (psychogenic non-epileptic seizures), more episodes of psychosis and hallucinating than i'm used to, all of my mental and physical issues are out of control, and now this disability stuff. i also won't be able to see a psychiatrist for...maybe a week or so more, so no bridge meds till then.
these last couple weeks have just really kicked me down. thank you for reading if you got this far. i appreciate you more than you know and i have no idea where i would be without y'all and this blog. i love you all so very much.
-ish
#ish talks#disability#vent#mental health#CSA mention#CSAM mention#physical disability mention#mental disability mention#psychosis mention#hallucination mention#dyscalculia#neurodivergent#autism#victim advocacy#PNES#ableism
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I don’t want to sound mean or some shit when talking about how exercise shouldn’t be randomly suggested to disabled people period but I also want it to be clear I’m not just saying that shit in a fit of anger.
Both my sister and brother were almost killed because doctors would rather push them to keep exercising on the regular than figure out what the hell was going on with their health. I have numerous family members who’ve died because no one gave a shit about their health as long as they keep up “regular” things like exercise. I was guilted into exercising to “manage” my “issues” until I couldn’t even walk and then I was guilted some more. I didn’t even know I had asthma until I was seventeen and someone told me that light running wasn’t supposed to be horribly painful and restrict your breathing. And that’s only a nice chunk of my reasons!
Like, it’s dangerous, period. I don’t care if we’re talking about mental health or physical health, telling people to exercise when you don’t even know what they’re dealing with, telling people that exercising is The Way to manage their disabilities, telling people they need to exercise or else “of course you feel bad!” is dangerous. I’m not trying to be dramatic but I’m not lying when I say it kills us. It hurts us. Exercise isn’t inherently healthy and even if it was, some of us CANNOT meet your standards of health! Just. Listen to us. Please.
#disability#actually disabled#cripple life#actually mentally ill too#actually neurodivergent as well#i will never meet the standard of health an#i just#mmhhh#someone say this makes sense please#chronic illness#chronic disabilities#asthma#chaos is speaking#ableism#death mention
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"Common sense" is not actually a thing.
If something is common sense to you, it is actually simply just because at some point in your life, perhaps a very long time ago, it was made explicit enough for you, and you were able to internalize it long term.
Even mainstreamly, things that are common sense to some are not to others. Then we have differing backgrounds, and then we have disability, about which this post was originally first of all intended.
"Common sense" is literally very close to "basic DNI". Or, "this food contains allergens. You know, the basic ones."
#psa#social stuff#disability#mental disability#neurodivergency#neurodivergence#neurodivergent#neurodiversity#neurodiverse#autism#autistic#actually autistic#actuallyautistic#intellectual disability#again i have autism and don't have id i just know that this is likely relevant to id and it is also likely relevant to other disabilities >#that I'm not recalling#leviathan.txt#yay I finally made this post#food mention#disabilityposting
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Every time I end my therapy sessions we feel so positive and hopeful with our little goals for the week and then I come in on Monday like,
"Yes, I have been journaling very well. Unfortunately The Horrors have gotten worse."
#disability#disabled#hearing impaired#chronic illness#chronically ill#chronic migraine#chronic disability#chronic pain#invisible illness#illness mention#illness tw#mental health#therapy#blurb#funny#invisible disability#spoonie
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My new therapist: your mental health isn’t perfect, but it’s nothing to be ashamed of :) if you broke your arm, you wouldn’t be ashamed of that
Me, internally: bold of you to assume I would be unashamed of a broken arm
#The funny thing is that I’m not even ashamed of my mental illnesses#She just kinda assumed I was#But I still appreciate her reassurance#she’s a wonderful therapist#Disabled#disability#actually disabled#mental illness#actually cptsd#c ptsd#ptsd#depression#anxiety#mental health#tw mental illness#mental illness tw#tw cptsd#tw ptsd#tw ptsd mention#ptsd tw#cptsd#cptsd tw#the ueue after q is silent
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Abuse is abuse
#actually bipolar#bipolar disorder#bipolar mania#bipolar1#mental heath support#bipolar depression#disabled#mental health#mental health matters#infp#narcissistic abuse#abuse recovery#physical abuse#verbal abuse#abuse mention#actually abused
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As long as I’m with You
Steve Harrington x You (short)
Summary: Steve wakes up to another bad night you’ve had this week
Warnings: hurt/comfort, talks of poor physical and mental health, doctors, suicidal ideation, medication use, drug use, chronic health issues, BPD if you squint, disabilities, use of the word “girl” x times, negative self talk, mentions of sex, angst, fluff~~
This is based off my own experiences and inspired by my pal Morgan’s version; feel free to check hers out
Tick tick tick
The clock strikes 12 and then 1, 3, 5am in the morning, no sleep no rest it’s an every day cycle. The same shitty cycle.
It’s a new year, but not a new you.
Sitting in your walker in front of the excruciatingly bright television screen, high as a kite, everything in existence running through your mind 100 mph, sometimes the weed helps the pain. Sometimes it induces it or even makes it worse. Right now it’s doing nothing for you. Looking over at your loved one sound asleep. You don’t want to bother him with your whines or crying. So you just sit there silence, tears rolling down your cheeks; while you watch some bullshit on YouTube.
Sniff Sniff
“Baby?”
Shit.
“..yea?” you say in a whispered tone
“Are you ok? what’s wrong?”
“Ah, you already know”, you’ve used that line probably over a million times
Steve comes along your side expecting a few dried tears, but his eyes widen when he’s sees the collar around your shirt bitten, snot dribbling down your mouth and throat, crouching down, he lies his head onto your thigh looking up at you, “Talk to me sweetheart”
“No.”
“Hey, I know you’re hurting”—
“GOOD FOR YOU! Congratulations you know I’m hurting, you know I’ve been hurting for fucking years. I’m glad you’ve acknowledged it unlike some people”you sniffle getting up in a hurry to take a piss as he follows with sad eyes leaning against the door frame
“I’m fucking tired, I’m so goddamn exhausted nobody will ever know what I’m dealing with!”, you say wiping your ass not bothering to wash your hands, “I can’t do anything I can’t run, I can’t jump, can’t go to the stupid, fucking grocery store without one of those motorized carts.. my back hurts, my fucking knees are throbbing, stupid fucking nerves won’t calm down FUCK! It’s not like I can get in the bathtub to calm my muscles down. Nothing is helping! No medication, no PT, no injections, no nothing! Why?? am I just resistant to any source of help or treatment? I-I can’t even lay in the goddamn bed to sleep. That’s all I have left is rest!! What is rest!? I don’t know what the hell that even is”
“I know baby I know”—
“NO YOU DONT STEVE, all you know is what you see. I wouldn’t wish on our worst enemy, my worst enemy to feel what I feel. That’s how bad it all hurts. The most evil, sick and twisted person in this world, I would never wish this upon. I just..”, getting dizzy you collapse on the bed sobbing into your own hands, then eventually into Steve’s shoulder as he rocks you, tears spilling from his own eyes—
“Nobody cares, nobody wants to help me. nobody cares unless I’m rich and can afford to give them any and ALL the things off my back, but I can’t. Even with the money you make it will never be enough to help the poor girl who’s too young to have any kind of issue. It’s “all in my head” I’m just fucking crazy. I could break my own neck and still be told it’s only from anxiety. Nobody cares just”—
“I care” he exhales
“It doesn’t matter if you care, all your care is useless, all your help is worthless to me because it gets me nowhere. Nobody’s love and care gets me nowhere. It’s nothing all but fucking false hope. Don’t you get that? None of you still to this day seems understand that. Stop praying for me to get better. It’s never going to happen. I can’t take it anymore.. I just wanna die! All I wish for is to die but, I can’t even have that. It’s like all of you want me here, to live and suffer for the rest of my life for y’all, it’s not fair, fuck that”, your trembling, body in fight or flight
“Don’t say that, you know I’d do anything to take your pain away”
“It doesn’t matter what you’d do because you’re not a doctor. You’re not a professional, you can’t help me get better.. sucks to hear but it’s the truth Steve..fuck”—
Steve’s really trying not to beat himself up over your words, he knows you’re in pain, it comes from a place of anger, frustration and fear
“I have all these pain medications I could easily take all at once, so I’ll never have to wake up in this position ever again. Why can’t I do it huh? I could end right here right now you never have to suffer again, but I just d-don’t; If anything, I’m the most selfless person for staying alive for YOU just so I can be alive but in pain all over again for YOU!”, your tone getting higher and higher in pitch
“I-I’m sorry.. I wish I knew the right words to say baby”, he’s trying his best to stay strong for you
“You’ve got to be sick of me, tired of me. All I do is cause more money to come out of your pockets, more exhaustion, more burdening, more crying, more everything bad for you. You already deal with your own shit. I do nothing but make your own mentality worse, hell you’re making your own self worse being with a person like me. A broken and useless excuse of a human being. You deserve somebody who can go hiking with you, go to the beach, travel with, who can do the bare minimum. Can’t even fuck you properly—
“STOP! Stop that right now” he shouts
You freeze because he’s never raised his voice at you, atleast not on purpose at such a vulnerable time
“I hate it too. You know it hurts me to know that you hurt and I’m sorry that I can’t take the pain away from you. My sweet, sweet girl I’m so sorry that nobody has given you the chance to hear your voice, to help heal you..but I’m gonna make you the same promise I make you almost every single night. As long as I’m with you, I will try my best with all my power to make it a little bit more bearable for you to be here, and I am so grateful that you are still here and choose to be here with me for us to be together. I know you hurt, but as long as you’re with me, I’m going to do my best to put a smile on your pretty face, beautiful sunshine of a smile because you’re my sunshine.. y-your smile gives me life did you know that?”
You nod. He tells you all the time
“I- I’m tired for wishing to feel ok for my birthdays, every Christmas. All the shirts and posters you got me for Christmas? I haven’t even touched them yet, you know why? Because the selfish person in me doesn’t give a fuck about none of it. The only thing I care about and want and NEED is pain relief and that’s too much to ask for isn’t it? Apparently wanting to be better in the world it’s too much to ask for”
“You deserve to feel better”, he says while his hand travels up your back to rub your tense neck, “You deserve to be free from all of this and I can’t give that to you. You’re not selfish baby you’re hurting. I love you for you. I knew what I was signing up for, and if I didn’t want that I wouldn’t be here right now with you. I know the sacrifices Ill have to make, the tears I’ll have to shed, the strength it’ll take me to pick you up when you’re down, but I fell in love with you, how you are, and who you are”
“Who are you kidding Steve, you don’t even know who I am. The real me. I don’t even know who I am anymore. I wish you met me when I wasn’t sick then maybe you wouldn’t be so stressed out a-and.. and,” you start sobbing again, it’s all too overwhelming
“Hey, hey look at me, no. I met you at the right time. You need me just as much as I need you. You may not think you’re worth nothing but you’re worth everything to me. Yeah you have a good and bad days..—
“I’ve had nothing but bad days for the past few months Steve”-
“I know, I see it, I hear it and I witness it, I may not can feel it, but at the end of it all, you still love me. You’re still here. You still want to cook for me. You still get up to brush your teeth and I’m so proud of you for still trying to care for yourself. That’s the biggest job you’ll ever have, and it’s been a very hard job hasn’t it?
You nod, as he nods with you
“Yeah, it has, but you don’t have to do it alone anymore. I want to provide for you. I want to take care of you. You’re my girl, you deserve so much and as long as I’m with you, I will try every day, every hour, every second or minute, to make sure you know how loved, how great and how amazing you are. How great and amazing you’re doing for yourself and for me. How strong you are”—
—“im tired of having being strong all the time”, interrupting him
“I know you are. You are so strong for being on this earth, even when you don’t want to be. I wouldn’t ask for anybody else, you’re it for me always. Will you continue to let me try to make it better for you every day? To take care of you?”, he squats in front of you, cupping your wet cheeks, kissing your forehead
“But Stevie.. you know you’re getting your own hopes up because nothing you do helps either and I feel like a piece of shit for saying that because”—
“I know what you mean, you don’t have to be sorry. I understand you may not have hope but I do. All my Hope goes towards you and it always will. You are the most important thing in my life. I’m not gonna give up on you, on me or on us, ok sunshine?”
..”okay”, you repeat rubbing your temples
“Head hurt, darling?”
“yes”
“From crying too hard?”
You nod, looking away in shame, “It’s okay, I’ll get your Migrane cap from the freezer and i’ll set your pillows up how you like, just sit tight”, he says it standing then pausing at the doorway, looking over his shoulder, “I love you”
“luv you—
“Hmm? What was that, I couldn’t hear you” he exclaims
“I said love you gosh.. shut up”, you barely crack a smile
That was enough to get him through the rest of the night.
#steve harrington x reader#steve harrington x disabled!reader#steve harrington x ill!reader#tw sui talk#steve harrington x fem!reader#steve harrington x gn!reader#tw sick mention#mental health awareness#steve harrington fluff#steve harrington x chronically!ill reader#steve harrington x sick reader#steve harrington angst#stranger things#joe keery#chronic pain issues#bpd#spoonie
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To ignorant fucking doctors/psychiatrist /therapist:
thanks for:
- Assuming/insinuating that I am semiverbal and slowly losing whatever ability to have to speak from pain ON PURPOSE.
-Assuming that I am over reacting by using a mobility aid- because I'm in so much pain. (I can barely fucking stand let alone walk at all. I am shaking so severely that it hurts to even use a Cane )
-Assuming after displaying obvious traits of autism, and being disabled mentally to the point it not only impedes my speech but my ability to socialize and work- that I was not only delusional from my BPD but also a hypochondriac and liar looking for attention. And seemingly thinking I am less likely to be autistic because I'm AFAB and got good grades.
-Assuming when I was literally sobbing from migraines since age 6 that I was a hypochondriac (later diagnosed with chronic tension migraines)
-THANK YOU for not realizing that ptsd and c-ptsd was a actual diagnosis and asked me to define the diagnosis and list its symptoms. (Literally asked me: "What is post traumatic stress disorder?" Apparently he never even heard of it despite being a psychiatrist)
-Assuming I've gone to inpatient so many times because he assumed I "refused to take any medications in the past 3 years." (Which is a actual blatant lie )
-saying I can not use my aac despite me having mentioned my speech loss episodes.
-dismissing all my experiences and thoughts on my own mental health as delusions because at the time I had a diagnosis of schizophrenia.
-telling me it was my fault I was being verbally and mentally abused because I was "ungrateful despite living under her [the abusive family member] roof."
This all actually happened!!
I understand doctors are human and not perfect but at bare minimum actually listen.
So to all the medical professionals: stop dismissing patients, assuming things about them and actually listen.
And to anyone who has experienced this or similar situations I'm sorry.
(Just to clarify for those who can not easily read tone - the thank you is heavily sarcastic in this post. I am quite frustrated.)
#actually disabled#disabled#physically disabled#chronic pain#chronic illness#disability#disabled punk#neuropunk#mentally disabled#physical disability#tw mental hospital#tw: ableism#tw abuse#tw ableism#tw medical trauma#tw medical mention#angry post#inherent mistreatment in the medical field
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SUMMARY: A group of strangers awaken to find themselves placed in a giant cube. Each one of them is gifted with a special skill and they must work together to escape an endless maze of deadly traps.
Mod Sus really really likes this a lot. Traps are cool, the consept is cool, the gore is great, characters are great. Chef's kiss movie except kinda slow.
#cube (1997)#science fiction#mystery horror#1990s#canada#north american movie#mentionable warning#abuse#(towards the mentally disabled character)#gore#horror#movies#poll#mod rec
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i dont want to hear about the "weird" guy you saw who said the world was going to end. shut up about the person who was clearly experiencing psychosis or some other mental health episode. stop taking photos of them, telling your friends, staring or calling the cops, its not that hard to ignore them i promise you.
#tw ableism mention#disability#nuero punk#mental disabilities#nueropunk#mental health#anti psych#psycosis#be a decent human being#i swear to god if my mum dosent shut up im going to cry#its not that hard I promise
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I really think people underestimate how hard it is to get help for being suicidal. The "healthcare" system is so hostile towards disabled people and therapists aren't an exception.
What sort of safe environment can therapists foster for discussions about being suicidal when therapists are taught to threaten their patients that they'll be taken away to psych wards if they're "too mentally ill"? How can you discuss being suicidal when with some doctors, for some patients, the very mention is enough to get them institutionalized [which can involve the police]?
How can you "get help" when you're disabled or otherwise marginalized in some way that makes doctors think you don't deserve it?
How can you discuss wanting to die when the system put in place to "help you" only seems to encourage it?
#actually suicidal#suicide mention#disability#ableism#sanism#institutionalization#punkstyle#actually mentally ill#mad punk#ok to reblog as always#sorry to get heavy but#its a heavy topic#especially for someone like me ngl
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My goal is to be as obnoxious about physical disabilities on everyones posts just like neurodivergent ablebodied people are on ours
#theres a difference between derailing and pointing out that we are left out on EVERY FUCKING DISABILITY POST FROM THESE PEOPLE#like i dont do it on neuropunk or posts about specific mental illnesses#but if you say disabled people and ONLY mention mentally disabled people I will be in your notes#we are constantly forgotten about. it is not the same as yall coming onto physically disabled peoples posts about being a cripple#and bringing up your adhd#and you KNOW what youre doing because you say uhh not to derail but#chronic disability#cripplepunk#cpunk#spoonie#chronic pain#disability
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Some people really hate the idea of mentally ill people fucking up or making choices that damage ourselves and it's so exhausting. So many people talk about how people should be able to make choices about their own body until it's mentally ill people self-harming, or doing drugs/alcohol, not taking meds, doing things generally considered "unhealthy" and then they decide no, actually, people should be able to take control of your right to make decisions about your body because people deemed "mentally ill" just can't be trusted.
Somehow we're not allowed to do things that bother other people, or hurt our bodies, even if other people do shit like that all the time. Somehow people considered "sane" can exercise to the point of making themselves ill, can drink and "occasionally" do drugs, can refuse to take medicine and even self-harm in ways but we're often not allowed to without someone threatening to violate our right to decide about our bodies. Because we don't understand consequences or we "might kill ourselves" but it's so ridiculous.
Like yes, we might kill ourselves. We might fuck ourselves up. We might destroy our entire lives. And? People do that! It happens! It's part of living. People do dangerous shit, people fuck up, people hurt themselves. It's not like we're the only ones who do that but even if we were, you can't puppet other people's lives just because they're living them differently.
Not without violating their right to make decisions about their body. Not without being involved in a violent system that destroys mental health and bodily autonomy. Not without being a part of a violent system that will try to make sure no one is ever free.
#chaos is speaking#ableism#sanism#disability#actually mentally ill#mental illness#mad pride#mad punk#psych abolition#bodily autonomy#self harm tw#self harm mention#suicide mention#mental health
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tumblr is such a horrible place for people with ocd.
"if you do or did this youre BAD YOU'RE A HORRIBLE PERSON WHO DESERVES DEATH PENALTY FOR YOUR UNFORGIVABLE CRIME YOU ARE NEVER GOING TO CHANGE OR BE BETTER"
like, maybe understand that people aren't saints or human crap, if no one got directly harmed and if it isn't intentional, please explain things with a more positive len if is possible.
obviously this isn't about saying "hey guysss dont be a nazi thats bad :(((", im talking about mistakes anyone can make without necessarily having bad faith.
#tw nazi mention#moral ocd#scrupulosity ocd#racial ocd#ocd#pure o ocd#ocd pure#pure ocd#actually obsessive#actually mentally ill#actually disabled#actually neurodivergent#actually ocd
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warning! i may start getting the winter crazies on top of my usual crazies bc when i cannot go to the gym and exhaust my mania physically (and also just Get Out of this House) due to unwalkable weather i start turning from a docile aquarium ray enjoying its food puzzle ball in spite of all the human hands stroking and poking at it, into a tiger without a watermelon full of hamburger to roll around its "the Bad kind of zoo" concrete cube enclosure where it is getting drugged and/or tazed regularly
#sporadic warbling#i try to tune out the dysphoria aspect of losing muscle mass bc thats not a healthy part to fixate on#but i do in fact need Physical Activity to be Mentally Healthy so when i'm cooped up with nothing heavy to lift i get irritable#like as in the physiological state of irritability like no getting around that fact i need those endorphins badly lmao#having this brain bug while also being disabled sure is An Experience#animal abuse mention#i mean it is a metaphor for what is not animal abuse but i sure get made to feel like one sometimes#i am very thankful people i've met online are kind i owe everything to those seemingly ephemeral social bonds
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KEEP COPS OUT OF MENTAL HEALTH EMERGENCIES
This past week I was in crisis (again) and texted the 988 suicide hotline. I told them how many pills I took and they advised me to stay put while they send someone over.
I begged them not to send cops. I've had cops called on me for mental health emergencies before and every time I panic and bolt. They promised not to send any police, just paramedics.
They lied.
When the cops forced their way into my house I ran. They used 4 cars, each containing 2 heavily armed officers, to chase me 16 blocks (barefoot) before tackling and cuffing me. I was unarmed and wearing pyjamas.
I am so lucky that I am white. I am so so lucky because I honest to god don't think I would have survived the encounter if I wasn't... Later that day, as they near my bed in the hospital, I heard them bragging about beating up a black disabled man and breaking his wheelchair.
Cops are pigs. They should NEVER be sent during a mental health emergency
#acab#all cops are bastards#oink oink#long post#mental health#suicide mention#crisis line#fuck the police#disabled person#actually bpd#vent (?)
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