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✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧ And I wouldn't marry me, either.
You were Azriel's mate, but it took losing you three times for him to realise.
[this is long. i'm talking 5k words long so i've split it into two parts. anyway, azriel is the best bat boy and no i won't hear anyone out. i'm so excited to write for him and hope you enjoy. it's very angsty but that's what i love. i hope i can write more for him and maybe other characters if you like. it's been a while since i've actually read the series so if any information is wrong, do let me know. also it was my first time using the term y/n and yes, i cringed NOT PROOF READ... enjoy]
warnings: references to sexual assault and references to suicide. nothing explicit but please don't read if this is sensitive to you.
Part 2 soon…
✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧
The first, was the worst...
You were Rhys's half sister, the bastard daughter of his father. But when your mother had died giving birth to you, Rhysand's mother took you in and raised you with your brother and sister. You were so little and adorable that your sister loved you at once. Rhys did to, at some point of your life, you were sure he actually cared about you.
But when his mother and sister had died, his eyes shifted, he started to look at you with contempt. After all, you were only his half-sister. The worst half. He only kept you around because it's what his mother would have wanted.
And because there was no way Cassian and Azriel would ever let anything happen to you.
Besides, Rhysand knew when to use you.
Although Azriel was his spymaster, you were pretty good at staying swift-footed too. And you were frankly, very terrifying when you wanted to be.
You tread with power through the war camps, all of them looking at you as you went. All of their gazes wrecked with a predatory gaze. They either wanted to have their way with you, or kill you. Or both.
Rhys had said you could handle it, it was only supposed to be a check in. Cassian hadn't liked it, neither had Mor but it was Azriel who had almost- and for the first time- disobeyed his high lord to accompany you. But no, your brother wanted you to do this alone, so alone you would.
Just to show him you could.
'I can come with you,' Azriel had said, standing in your room as you tied your boots up. 'I won't even have to be seen.' At that, his shadows wrapped up your calf.
You smiled at them, as if they were his own pet. 'I'll manage just fine. Besides, i'm sure that's what Rhys wants, me needing a man.'
It had done nothing to calm your friend. The worry was still stuck between his brows, marring his handsome features. You'd held his cheeks, your wings hiding the two of you. His large ones (enough to swallow the both of you) over-lapped yours.
It was the last time you'd feel your wings.
The war camp wasn't as easy as you'd hoped. It was terror and horror in a place. You'd been to the court of nightmares, you'd gone to the slaughter of the spring court after they killed your family. But this, this was hell of another kind.
You had no idea how many days you'd been locked up, wrists bound in chains and hanging from the cell roof above you. Blood rolled down your arms from the force you'd tried to use to get them out. Your eye was swollen shut and your body trembled in pain.
All because they wanted to know your brothers secrets, and you wouldn't budge.
Your check was only supposed to be a day, but you were sure it had been longer. Days of endless pain and torture. Your uniform hung in rags of stripped material, your hair matted with blood and hiding your face.
You'd used the last of your energy to keep your walls up. You weren't anyone's mate, you didn't have anyone on the other end trying to feel what you felt. But should Rhys come looking (though you doubted it) you didn't want him to feel it. You didn't want anyone in your mind.
The gates opened with a sickening clash.
One of the Illyrian's knelt in front of you, his wings hiding those coming in behind you. 'Listen sweetheart. I don't want to make this any harder than it's about to get. All you have to do is tell us your brother's hide outs.'
You grit your teeth, staring down at the ground.
'So loyal, to a man who doesn't care if you live or die.'
Suddenly, your wings twitched as hands grasped them. Brute hands, the sort you wouldn't want touching any part of you.
Fear spiked in you, horror twisting your gut. 'What are you doing?'
'I told you I didn't want to get things messier, darling.'
You whipped your head from side to side, trying and failing to get a look at the assailants behind you. Your wings were being held apart, no matter how hard you tried to bat them away. You knew the sort of people they were, and what they did to girls like you.
That's when the begging started. 'No, no please. Anything. I'll do anything! Beat me, kill me, rape me, not my wings, please!'
'Anything?' the bastard asked, tongue poking out from his lips. 'Then tell me where your lord's hideouts are?'
You should betray him, you thought. He would never lose his wings for you. Perhaps it was stubbornness that kept you from, or maybe you were clinging to the last bit of love you want from him.
The bastard scoffed, 'anything, she says. Your brother has his own bitch wrapped around his finger.'
That's when they started hacking at your wings.
Your screams tore through your throat, blood spitting and dripping down your chin. Tears soon joined when they hacked away at the bone, the membrane, the flesh of it all. The three of them worked through your screams and your tears and your pain, tearing and cutting at it like it was nothing more than paper.
Not your whole life.
Let them hear you. You hoped your brother heard you, you hoped all and every court heard the pain.
Eventually, even you couldn't keep screaming. The only sound was the hacking away at your wings and the drops of blood.
'Now look at these beauties. I've got a perfect spot on my wall for these.'
They left you after that. There wasn't much more damage they could do. It already felt like they'd destroyed your life. You had never really thought about your wings, they were just part of you, as much as your wit or hair was. But they'd took it and now, you felt empty. Never would you fly with Azriel again, or use your wings to smack Cassian over the head.
Rhys, your dear brother, had took that from you.
The days blended in together after that. You were pooled in your own tears and blood, vomiting up anything they forced down your throat. No, they'd made it very clear they didn't want you dead. They just took pride in making it feel like you were.
At some point, you'd stopped reacting to the gate opening. You let them do whatever they wanted with you. Your wrists were still chained, arms still hanging up, your clothes hanging on your thin body in strips of dirt.
'No...' you heard a mumble. 'What have they done to you?'
Suddenly, the chains gave way and you lurched forward, with no strength to catch you. Luckily, you didn't have to, as strong and warm arms pulled you into his chest.
'Hey, wake up, look at me, dammit.'
Azriel.
You'd know the voice in the darkest days, in the pit of your worst nightmare you'd know.
You try to speak but your head's heavy, your lips are stone and your arms can't lift to hold onto him. You're exhausted, you're dying. The only thing you could do use all your strength to try to open your eyes.
'Please, please, look at me. You have to look at me,'
You were trying, you wanted to tell hm, snap at him, but you couldn't.
You felt Azriel shake, or maybe you were. Then, there was wet drops landing on your cheeks- you flinched.
'I'm sorry, i'm sorry. Rhys! Rhys! hurry up, please!' he was screaming. You'd never heard him scream before.
You heard the rush of feet at the cell doors, you knew it was your brother. You knew it from the presence of him, from the shuffling of feet and chocked sob. Your brother didn't cry, least of all for you.
'Her wings, oh mother, her wings,' said Azriel, his voice barley above that of a whisper.
Your wings. You didn't need reminding. They were gone, long and far gone. You were without a part of you, the very part of your soul that loved to be free. Never would you watch the stars up close or fly over everyone. Never race Cassian or make jokes with Az.
No, this would destroy you.
'y/n,' your half-brother called. 'No, y/n. Can you hear me?'
Your lips parted, mumbling. 'Hurts.'
Azriel's grip on you tightened. 'I know, we're gonna get you out of here, just hold on for me.'
You wanted to tell him you would hold on, you'd always need to hold on to him. That, no matter what he asks, you'd do it. To kill, to live, to breathe, to die.
And that's when it clicked. Amongst all the pain and the doubt. In your blood soaked clothes. In the fear you wouldn't make it, there was a tug. Weak and one-sided, but there. You knew you'd be safe with Azriel, knew you would always be with him.
Mate.
✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧
The pain subsided to a dull ache, there and beating but not excruciating. You were warm and covered in a soft material. Nothing like the cell you'd been kept in. Your fingertips sunk into something soft- a bed. Your bed. It was familiar in its lavender scent to you and the silk wrapped around you gave you some semblance of warmth.
Your wings.
Even coming to consciousness was difficult. You were exhausted but light, without the weight of wings holding you down. You'd never realised how much you needed to feel that weight, to feel pulled down in order to be free.
Gone, all gone.
Your hand twitches around something cold, a shadow holding your hand, creeping up your side.
'You're awake, thank the couldron.'
It wasn't Azriel, master of the shadows. It wasn't your mate. Mate. The word replayed like a terrible song in your mind.
How dare the mother do this to Az. How dare he- nothing but loyal and kind- get stuck with a person made in darkness, who bled shadows, who's heart was so full of hate there wasn't room for love. They'd cursed Az, with you.
But luckily it wasn't him, it was Rhysand.
'It really happened,' you whispered, voice hurting from the screams.
He sighed. 'I'm sorry, i'm so sorry. We-we thought you weren't going to make it, you'd lost so much blood.'
In spite of the pain in your shoulders, you made a shift, turning from him as he ranted on about your condition.
'y/n... sister, please,' he said. He'd never called you sister before. He'd always been content to treat you just like you worked for him.
'Leave me alone.' you couldn't bare to look at him, couldn't bare to face him. The shadows at your hand grew heavier, as if more were piling on. You stretched your fingers away from them, trying to get them off you.
'Are you in any pain?' asked Rhys.
'Get out,' you mumbled.
The end of your bed dipped where Rhys settled, hand splayed on the covers, begging for your hand. 'y/n.'
'Get out!' you snapped, body tense and straining. You felt your wounds open up, blood wetting the bandage around you. But you didn't care. You'd happily bleed if you couldn't fly. A part of you, sick part of you wanted to be left there. It would be better than false sympathy.
Be better than your mate being disgusted.
'Get out!' you yelled again, voice tearing through an aching throat.
'I just want to help you! please, let me help you!' said Rhys, standing from your bed and walking around, trying to face you.
'I don't want your help!' you screamed. You reached for the closest thing you could, a jug of water and chucked it toward him. You aim was terrible, marred with pain and exhaustion. 'Get out!'
Though hesitant, Rhysand slowly started walking back to your door. He did it all looking at you, his hands out to show he wasn't gonna hurt you, but you didn't care. You went for the glasses next and chucked them but they landed against the door which he disappeared through.
Before it slid close you caught sight of Cassian , Mor and Azriel. All crowded, all waiting to see you.
You'd be happy if you never let them see you again.
'Can we see her?' you hear Mor ask.
'Give her time,' said Rhys.
The shadows at your hand grew heavier, darker, tighter.
'Go away!' you yelled at them. To anyone else, you probably looked crazy, screaming to darkness. But the shadows understood. They departed, slithering away and under the crack of your door where you could see the shadows of feet.
Tumbling from bed, you stumbled over and locked the door, leaning on it to and catching your breath. Your nightgown was starting to get sticky with blood all over again. When you closed your eyes, you pictured the cell, the rough hands holding you down, the chain keeping you up.
And the pain, it all washed over you. The hacking at your back, the sting of a slap. It hit you like a tone of bricks as you slid to the floor.
There was a knock, rattling the door.
'y/n,' Cassian. 'Please let us in.'
Us. You felt him on the other side. Your mate, his presence lingering. His shadows under the door, wanting to come in but keeping their distance.
He didn't know. It hadn't snapped for him, you could tell. It was one tug on your end, a chord in your heart. At least he couldn't feel what you did. At least you could shoulder it alone.
'Please.' his voice was almost your un-doing. He sounded so sad, so desperate. It hurt you just to think you were hurting him.
Tears streamed down your face as your curled your fingers into a tight fist. You assumed Mor had left with Rhys, leaving you there with the males.
Cass was always like a brother to you. Granted- a brother you had slept with once or twice- but he was your best friend. You'd always been close to him. But you'd always been good, a happy person.
You couldn't be that for them now, perhaps ever again.
It lasted like that for hours. Cassian and Az begging to come in, you curling into a ball with tears down your cheeks and blood down your back.
Eventually, they gave up. You couldn't hear them anymore and the shadows of their boots had disappeared.
Except Azriel's shadows that still lingered under your door. Maybe he'd ordered them to be there while they left you.
Eventually, you managed to find your footing on shaking legs. Your room was large, one of the largest. It was just as much a mess as it was when you'd left for you mission, clothes thrown over the place, books propped open on the pages you'd left them on. Everything was the same but could never be again.
It took you longer than you'd care to admit to get to your windows and throw the curtains close. Candles light at your request, the house looking after you as it had since you were a child.
You caught sight of yourself in the full length mirror. It seemed smaller, everything in the room felt too large and you too small, as if you were being swallowed by the expanse of it.
Your frame was small in the mirror, your hair disarrayed. Your eyes were red and shutting of their own accord from the tears that had drained you. The starving in the cells had made you look weak, made you feel weak.
And your back. There was no more looming black figures there, no more fluttering. There was just nothing. In spite of the ache as you lifted your arm, you felt around your back, feeling the hitch there, the lump from where they'd been torn from you.
You cry. You sob. You scream.
The scars were long and the nightdress was sticking to you by the blood you'd shed. All you could do, was hold yourself up as your body wracked with tears.
A breeze came from your windows, shadows tugging at the curtains.
You felt him before you saw him. You wanted to tell him to leave you but you couldn't talk without chocking. Without feeling like you couldn't breath.
Azriel had you in your arms before your knees could hit the ground. He fell with you, softening your body on the floor. His arms held you into his chest, his legs caging you into his body. His head rested on yours as he held you. He didn't try to talk, he didn't try to help. It was just him, you and his shadows.
✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧
Azriel remembered dozing off with you, his head on yours. His arms holding you into him, as if it was up to him to keep the sadness away and take it for you.
Afterall, you were his best friend. He should have been there for you, and he'd failed terribly by letting you get hurt and your wings stolen from you. He could hate himself every day for it, for letting you down. But it would never amount to what you felt for yourself and that killed him.
He could see it in the way you cried, in the way you were already keeping everyone out. He'd rather die than let you go through all the pain alone.
When his hands had been scarred by his brothers, you'd help heal him, tell him about everything he still was and all the power he still held in his hands. In the worst days, when he didn't let anyone touch him, he let you.
It was always you.
Azriel wasn't sure how long he'd been asleep, or how deep. He was sure he was still with you, still in your bed.
His shadows crept up on him, engulfing him slowly and whispering to him. Your name, just your name on repeat. It was enough to lull him back into sleep, to keep him calm.
Gone. Missing. y'n. Roof.
He shot up and ran fastest than he ever had in his life. It was as if he'd never been asleep but had been fighting a battle with the way he raced over.
He burst through the doors, the cold hight air hitting him.
You stood facing the stars, your bloody back to him. It wasn't as much blood as when he'd found you, but it was still enough to put a lump in his throat.
Immediately his shadows fell to you, cascading down your body and wrapping around your waist. There was a breeze in the air, pushing your hair back and exposing more signs of the pain and torture you must have gone through.
'I'm not gonna jump, if that's what you're thinking,' you said. You didn't even have to turn to him. The shadows probably told you enough.
'Why are you up here?' he asked, walking to you slowly and with careful steps. As if every step closer could you push you away from him.
'I'll never feel the win properly again,' you answered.
Azriel gulped down his own pain. You’d never sounded so small. ‘Can you get away from the ledge?’
'I'm not on the ledge.'
'You're too close for my liking.'
'Leave if you don't like it.'
'Don't do this,' he said.
'Do what?' you asked, folding your arms over your chest. You were cold, out in the hight but you wanted to see the stars. Needed to see them.
'Make me leave. Make everyone leave you. I know that's what you're doing. It's what you do every time,' you could feel him dawning closer. His shadows were all around you, almost drowning you.
‘Every time,’ you scoff, stepping down and turning on him. ‘It’s not every day you lose your wings Azriel! But don’t let me stop you from leaving, flap them and go!’ You yelled, unable to stop yourself, no matter how hard you tried. You didn’t want to hurt him, you just wanted to be alone.
Mate. Mate. Mate.
'You jump and I’ll catch you,' he said. He was a step away, he could just reach out and touch, just a gentle caress. 'I swear it, whatever you do, I’ll follow. I’m not letting you get away.’
He watched your back shudder as he reached out, brushing knuckles against your shoulder blade. He heard your sharp inhale follow.
'Don’t think I won’t follow, y/n.'
Finally, you turned around in his shadows. You couldn’t meet his eyes but at least you could face his chest.
His hands were gentle on your shoulder as he rubbed it gently. 'Can I get Madja to clean you up?' He asked.
You nodded as he led you away. You truly did not deserve your mate.
✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧
Fifty-two years later...
When Amarantha had trapped the high lords of Prythian under the mountain, it hadn't be a conscious choice to follow your half-brother down. How Amarantha had allowed it, you weren't sure, but perhaps she wanted to use you just like her brother, or she thought it would bring more pain for him to see you suffer under there too.
You and Rhysand had barley spoke the last two years.
It had took you almost two months to heal fully enough to leave your room, another few months to face your family again. But even then, everyone knew something had changed in you. You didn't laugh as loud or smile as wide.
Rhysand was careful to ever let you out on a mission. Mor tried to take you out every night. Cassian spent all day every day with you and Azriel- he'd healed you better than any nurse.
Still, you had not told him he was your mate.
Still, you thought he wouldn't want it.
Still, you cared for your brother enough to not want him to go alone.
But being under the mountain, you could avoid your mate. At a painful price.
Until her. Rhys's mate. He hadn't shut up about her since he first met her, much to your dismay as you had to sit around and listen- having absolutely nothing better to do. And it only got worse when she turned up under the mountain. She was declaring her love for Tamlin- again, annoying your brother, and throwing Lucien into danger- which rather angered you. You had nothing against the ginger.
Rhysand had once sent you to find the girl to summon her as part of a bargain he'd made. He didn't want to go, he didn't want to look too forceful. You'd been lucky enough to find the two tangled up in each other against a cold wall, clothes ripped and hips moving together.
'Well, well well,' you'd intterupted.
Tamlin all but growled at you, but feyre was looking over you- evidently confused. She had no idea who you were. You, in your skimpy outfit that Amarantha kept you in (they all dipped low at your back, showing off your scars) and your eyes that were like a night sky.
'Amarantha's looking for her pet and Rhysand is looking for his. Honestly, i'd be a bit more worried if I were you. You know, considering Lucien still has an eye to lose.'
The two parted with your words as you sent Tamlin back to his master, the high lord glaring at you as you went. While Feyre tried to fix herself.
'Rhysand is over there, better not keep him waiting.' That was the first time you met her, having no idea how much trouble she'd be worth. The family that she'd become.
But Rhysand made sure you knew it all. From when the bond snapped in him and he'd stumbled. He ranted and ranted as they climbed out.
If only you were so talkative about Azriel. If only you could talk about him with your brother. But you'd tried not to painfully think about him. Climbing out of the mountain. It was all you could think of.
Maybe he'd have forgotten you? it had been fifty years. He'd probably realised how happy he could be without having to take care of you.
Rhys was allowed out of the mountain, he'd felt the breeze in his hair but you hadn't in fifty long years. You stood there a moment, bathing in the warmth as everyone left, as everyone ran off for their families and courts and the war that was inevitable. Eventually, Rhys offered you his arm. 'Shall we go home?'
He winnowed you there, on the balcony of your home. In a cloud of black smoke, the two of you appeared.
He went first, slipping through the doors slowly- like it could all be taken from them any minute.
You were hesitant, taking a moment to glance at the landscape behind you. It hadn't changed, not at all. The mountains were still there, everyone was still alive. Your home. In the last years it hadn't felt like home, but how could anywhere ever feel so close in your heart.
When you could find your feat again, you managed to slip through the doors. You were suddenly aware of how little clothing you were wearing, just enough to cover your chest and run down your legs. A chill settled down your back, your scars would be on show. What a way to great them all after fifty years.
Mor had her arms around Rhys's shoulders, crying into his shoulder.
Behind them you caught Amren, with something like tears in her eyes. You were just about to tease her before a body barrelled into yours in a blur of red syphons and your feet were lifted from the ground.
'Cassian.'
His arms tightened around you. You shoulder started to dampen with tears, his tears. The last time you'd seen him cry around you was when he'd seen a dog with only three legs. 'I'm keeping you on a leash from now on, stupid idiot.'
Your arms wrap around his shoulders, a smile gracing your lips. 'Is that a promise?'
He held you longer, tighter, not daring to let you go but at least settling you on the ground. He sighed against your head, controlling himself. 'He's missed you, you know,' he said. He was the only one you'd told, about your mate. 'Now that you're back, tell him. He deserves to know.'
Cassian slowly pulled away, holding you at arms length and smiling at you. He kissed your cheeks and then your forehead before parting to Rhysand.
Mor approached you next, slapping you in the arm.
'Ow!'
'Why would you follow him?' she snapped.
You blinked at her before she took you by the arm she'd slapped and embraced you, like a sister would. You dared not looking over her shoulder to find the one who hadn't come to you. Maybe Cass had got it wrong...
Mor pulled away, wiping at her eyes.
Azriel was as beautiful as the day you left him. His hair was the same length, he was the same height. He was just as you left him. It was hard to tell fifty years had passed on him.
And inside of you, tugging in your soul and heart you felt the familiar string of gold throbbing. But you still didn't feel that tug. You'd hoped it would have faded from you after half a year separated. Or at least have snapped for him. But no such relief.
He approached you, slowly. As if he was scared of scaring you away. But you just stood there.
His arms were delicate and soft around you as he brought you into his chest. He still smelled the same, cedar wood and shadows. Shadows that wrapped around you, shielding you from the rest of the room. They caressed you, head to two.
You held onto each other for what could have been another fifty years, but this time, it wasn't so painful.
✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧
Although nobody wanted to part after yours and Rhysand's return, you were exhausted. A trip to Rita's could wait another night or two. The only thing you wanted to do was hide in your room.
Strangely, your room looked lived in. As if somebody had moved in since you'd left. A moment of anger replaced grief. Had they brought someone else and given them your room? but then you smelt it, Az.
Lying in bed that night, exhausted, you couldn't find sleep. You closed your eyes and pictured Amarantha. You'd never been afraid of her, you weren't afraid of anything. But you re-played the horrors. Watching servants beat Feyre, watching Amarantha use your brother and on the occasion, even you. How she flaunted. How the most powerful lords were weak.
Under your door, shadows seeped in, rushing across the room to you. You smiled, watching your hand disappear in their darkness.
'Azriel?' you called.
There was shifting on the other side of the door before he slipped in, clicking it shut behind him.
You sat up in bed, shadows moving with you. 'Couldn't sleep?'
He wondered in, looking around your room. 'Sleeping's been... hard.'
You rolled over, opening the blanket and nodding your head. You couldn't think about the bond, not yet. Not while he looked so.... ruined. Beautiful- the most beautiful person in the world, but sad. As he climbed in next to you, you could see the dark circles under his eyes, his shoulders slumped and his wings too.
His eyes scanned over you. You were in a thin and silk night dress that only brushed your knees, but the way he looked at you, mother you could've been naked. 'Fifty years,' his voice sounded barley controlled. 'Fifty years. You followed your brother down for fifty years? Why would you do that?'
You gulp. 'I would've done it for any of you. Except maybe Amren, she'd probably enjoy the peace for fifty years.'
You go to brush your hair back but Azriel seizes your wrist. He was angry. That's why his voice was rough and his chest rising and falling with barley controlled emotions. Could he feel it? your nerves, your lying?
'You left. You should've stayed, y/n, you know Rhysand didn't want you under there with him,' he said. 'For fifty years I haven't been able to sleep through a night thinking about the pain you must have been going through. After I swore to keep you safe, after I promised to catch you every time!'
'You couldn't have stopped me. You didn't promise, Az.'
His grip grew tighter. 'It went without saying.'
You looked around his eyes, seeing the pain and grief there also. Slowly, you brought your other hand up. He flinched as you took his cheek but eventually settled as your thumb ran over his cheekbone. 'I won't leave again, ok? I promise.'
He gulped, letting go of your wrist and looking down. 'I slept here,' he mumbled, but just loud enough to hear you. 'I couldn't sleep in my room. This was the only place I could rest.'
Your heart stuttered. Your hand dropped from his cheek. This man was your mate. Your mate. Your only love, whether or not the cauldron deemed it.
Azriel took your hesitation. 'I-i'm sorry, you probably didn't want to hear that. I've probably ruined your one place of peace-'
'Stay,' you said, before you could think of what you were asking. 'Sleeping wasn't exactly easy under the mountain either. I just trust I won't have to put a wall of cushions between us.' as if you wanted that. As if you haven't thought about his calloused hands all over you.
Azriel smiled and stayed the night.
✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧
The third time he almost lost you, broke him...
✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧
#acotar#azriel#cassian#rhysand#rhys acotar#feyre archeron#tamlin#lucien vanserra#azriel x reader#azriel x you#azriel x female!reader#cassian x reader#books and reading#booktok#angst#azriel x cassian x reader
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As You Wish | Yoongi x Reader
Pairing: Werewolf Yoongi x Reader
Word Count: 21k
Warnings: 18+, Spice but no Smut, Yandere, Obsession, Fear, Non-Consensual Kissing, Grieving, Passive Suicidality, MC experiences major depression, Non-Consensual Touching, Breaking and Entering, Stalking, Depictions of Gore, Blood, Technically Cannibalism? Loss of Spouse, Loss of Child, Forced Found Family, Hunting, Mass Death, Attempted Burning and the stake, MC is hit by a man (not Yoongi)
I do not condone the acts displayed in this story nor do I believe any members of BTS would actually engage in this type of behavior. This is simply written for entertainment purposes and should not be taken as a reflection of my own values, opinions, or morals.
Preview: You couldn’t even scream when the door was ripped from its hinges, the beast breaking through it like it was wet parchment. You were petrified in place, hyperventilating and trembling at the sight of it.
It was a giant wolf. It was covered from head to toe in midnight black fur although there were spots that seemed thinner than others that were littered in scars - slashes and bite wounds from what you could only imagine were others of its kind. It was larger than a horse with a head so huge it could bite your own clean off in one impressive snap. And then there were the eyes. They were glowing an ice cold silver in the dark with a glare that felt sharp enough to slice through you while a gnarled scar marred the fur and skin of its right eye.
A/N: I’m exhausted and grad school sucks but I really wanted to get this out for your guys. I hope you enjoy it, I spent way more time on it than I wanted to. I really thought it was only going to be 8k yet here we are…21k. Anyway, I miss all of you - sorry this is so long lol, this is SUPER UNEDITED. As usual, I can’t wait to see you in my inbox and comments, I love you and hope you enjoy
The sweet scent of flowers greeted your nose as you cracked open the window for the first time in months.
Despite the warmth of sunshine and the bright green strokes of grass outside, it very well could have still been winter. It felt as if no time had passed since that fateful day. In your heart, winter still raged on. There were gnarled, ice-coated branches there and a torrent of never-ending snow. It had frozen over since then.
You carried this sense of numbness you had never thought you would be capable of, it was as if your very soul had been corroded by frostbite. Any love or passion or warmth had been snuffed out like a match in the dark.
That was the thing about grief, it could change a person into something that was beyond recognition. And your grief was immeasurable.
When you got married, you never imagined your husband would die within the first year.
It truly had been a cruel winter that year. The two of you were making do with what food you had. He had always been so smart, planning out what you could have each day so that it would last until spring. The only problem was the fire wood. No one could have anticipated how cold it was going to be and if you hadn’t burned as much kindling as you did you were certain you would have frozen to death.
You could still remember that gentle look he had given you before he left. The soft touch of his fingers to your cheek, the gentle kiss he left you with. He still had every ounce of charm he had had as a boy. He had always been kind and sweet to you. He was the gentlest man you had ever known. That was why his death hurt even more.
You had been worried the minute he left, but as minutes bled into hours and the winter sun quickly disappeared behind the mountains you were frightened to the bone. He had only an ax and a knife with him. He brought no food and no more clothing than what was on his back. He was planning on making a short trip and if he didn’t come back right away the chances of him surviving the night were slim to none.
His body was found the next day.
Honestly, you didn’t remember that day all too well. Everything was a blur, you could faintly remember hearing the voices of a few men from the village, the feeling of your raw throat after screaming senselessly, and the surplus of food and supplies that were sent your way with small slips of paper that read: “Our condolences.”
They wouldn’t let you see his body and that was something you would never forgive them for. You didn’t care how bad it was, you wanted to see him with your own eyes and you were never afforded that closure. But you had heard enough from hushed whispers outside.
“Pieces,” they had said.
He had been mauled to pieces. They couldn’t even find all of him and what was left of him had huge teeth marks raked through flesh. It was an animal attack. Just like you and your husband, they were hungry.
And now you were all alone. You were a pariah, one that people pitied, but a pariah nonetheless. You would never be able to marry again, not that you wanted to, but no one would want a widow as their wife. That was the way of things, you were meant to live out the rest of your days in solitude. Nothing more than a sad story mother’s would tell their children as you passed through the markets in silence. Your story would become a warning for children not to wander off into the woods. Your tragedy would become a lesson.
The only lesson that you had learned was that love meant pain. You had given yourself to someone entirely, and when they had parted from you, you were left with nothing. That was the danger of love, losing yourself.
After months of wishing you had followed him out of this world, you were hit with the sudden clarity that you were being selfish. He had left to try and save the both of you, but here you were wasting the life he had given you. He had sacrificed himself in order for you to keep living for the both of you.
Choosing to live was so much harder than choosing to die.
You shoved those horrendous thoughts to the back of your mind as you traveled through your small cottage, prying open every stiff window that you passed by. Living meant starting with the little things, like getting your home in order. It didn’t feel the same without him, but at least now that it was warmer out you wouldn’t have to stay inside and constantly be reminded of his absence.
You stripped your bed, gathered up the used linens, and scooped up piles of worn clothes from the floor before depositing them in the basket. You were distracting yourself, that much you were certain of. But any distraction was welcome, you couldn’t bear the silence filled thoughts of him any longer.
You heaved the basket up onto your hip and made for the door, pausing as you were faced with the blooming greenery beyond the threshold. The breeze was cool, the air was fresh. The world was starting over once again, why was it so hard for you?
You shook the troubling thought from your head, squared your shoulders, and took a deep breath. You could at least try. And so, you stepped outside for the first time in months and faced the world. It was almost like nothing changed. The birds still chirped, the insects sang, and the rush of the river called from a distance.
That was the other thing about grief. While it felt like your world ended, in reality, it still rushed onward.
The soft grass sunk beneath your feet and sprung back to life as you walked, your body tense as you approached the forest. You weren’t going in too far, it was just the edge where the trees were still spread out and not too thick. You just needed to get to the river. But you couldn’t deny the sense of paranoia that was set in your bones. This was where he died, where he was mauled and consumed by whatever inhabited the forest. It would make sense that whatever animal that had ended his life was still prowling in the shadows, waiting for its next meal.
“Stop it,” You snapped at yourself, your voice hoarse from lack of use and louder in the soft sounds of nature.
You weren’t going far, you were going to be safe. There was no reason to be so anxious when you wouldn’t be putting yourself in danger. You weren’t walking into the lion's den, you were doing laundry.
Despite your scolding, you still snapped your head in every direction when you finally reached the river. You were unsettled by every little noise, hyper aware of everything that was going on around you. For a task that was so mundane, you felt so on edge.
The rush of icy water against your hands was enough to help you focus on the task at hand. The river had finally unfrozen. While your husband and yourself frequently bathed in the river during the warmer months, you had no plans on doing that anytime soon lest you be chilled to the bone and catch your death. Maybe when you were younger you would have risked it all for a moment of fun. But you were older now, matured by time and tragedy. It was harder to have fun now.
You threw the shirt you were washing on a rock beside you, the force of the toss resulting in a loud, wet slap. Your body bent forward under an oppressive imaginary weight as your icy fingers braced your face, a frustrated sigh leaving your lips causing your body to sink even further.
Living for two people was going to be even harder than you thought. Even these simple, menial tasks felt exhausting. It had been a miracle you had been able to drag yourself out of bed, that you had made it outside, that you had even journeyed to the river. But those things should be easy, so why did they feel so hard?
You felt weak.
Useless.
Helpless.
You couldn’t help but think had the roles been reversed, he would have been stronger than you. He would have mourned but he would have been able to survive. He would have been able to find another wife, he would have had the children he always wanted, and he could have been happy. It was hard to not feel like it should have been you, like you were just wasting the life he had given you. It was hard to not crumble beneath the crashing waves of grief that eroded your resolve.
It was too hard.
A high pitched whimper broke you out of your spiraling thoughts, your hands dropping to your lap and your head snapping to attention. You held your breath and pursed your lips, listening closely to try and hear the sound again.
And there it was again. Although this time it was much louder and much longer. It sounded like something was in pain. And your curiosity got the better of you.
You shifted your basket to the side and stood, gathering your skirts in one hand as you carefully lept from stone to stone as you crossed the river. Your heart raced as you slipped once then twice, the stones slick from the rushing water, but the cries were becoming louder and closer and you felt as if you had no other choice but to find out what they were coming from.
Once you crossed the river, you moved slowly through the grass so as to not startle whatever it was that was frightened. Every now and then you would pause and hold your breath, listening intently for the creature's cries before following them once more. You could just barely make out the shape of the animal, its body concealed by a thick underbrush of branches, leaves, and thorns.
You dropped down to your knees with abandon and blindly reached into the shrubbery. The cries were much louder now as the creature was startled by your invading hands. Thorns raked through your flesh as you grabbed hold of the small furry body and pulled, trying your hardest to gently remove the little animal. A loud cry made you stop, halting all of your progress. It looked like it was tangled up in something.
You quickly moved on to your second plan and softly placed the animal back down before grabbing thorn laced branches and snapping them with your bare hands. You hissed in pain as blood beaded up from the small cuts that now decorated your palms. You couldn’t fathom where this sudden rush of determination came from or why you felt like you so desperately needed to do this. That same rush that came over you to find the animal was present and even stronger with the desire to free it. You felt it on some deeper level, that you just couldn’t leave it behind.
There was a generous pile of branches beside you now and you could very clearly see what you were dealing with. It looked like a puppy. It was very small with soft chocolate brown fur, a short nose, and the cutest pointed ears. Its big brown eyes were welled up with tears, its tail tucked between its legs, and its entire body shook in fright.
Your horror stricken gasp was muffled as you involuntarily covered your mouth in surprise. The poor pup was tangled up in a snare. The wire was cinched tightly around its hind leg, chest, and foreleg, cutting in so tightly that blood was visible on the metal. The poor thing had run right into the trap and was stuck. You could only hope that it wasn’t intended for the puppy, that it had run into some hunter’s trap purely by accident.
Your already lacerated hands went straight back to work trying as you attempted to untangle the snare as gently as you could. You hissed as it sliced your palms but paused only a moment to wipe the blood off on your pinafore before continuing your work. By the time you had finally managed to undo the trap, beads of sweat clung to your neck and the sun had moved a decent way across the sky.
“There you go,” You murmured, “you’re free.”
The puppy, although now free, didn’t move. Its deep brown eyes stared up at you as it continued to whine, its entire body still shaking with unadulterated fright.
“Can you walk?” You asked, sitting back on your calves to get a better look at the animal.
You were shocked when it responded, in a way. The puppy attempted to stand and then walk, but it only made it two steps with a clear limp before it collapsed flat on its belly with a yipe.
“Of course you can’t, I’m sorry,” You cooed as you reached out. Your hand paused in midair, hesitating before trying to touch the puppy. It was probably a wild dog, so it was not a good idea to go touching an animal that very well could bite you, no matter how cute it was.
The puppy, as if it had read your mind, answered for you by leaning forward and sniffing your fingers with a cold, wet nose, before lapping at them with its little tongue. It was like any other puppy then, it wasn’t aggressive yet.
You chewed your lip in thought as you watched the pup. It wasn’t a good idea to take in stray animals, but it was injured and leaving it in the forest would be like ringing a dinner bell for all the predators in the area. All of the blood the pup and yourself had shed was certainly not helping. And then there was the crippling loneliness of your cottage. A dog would be good for that. It would be something to share the space with, something to break up the cacophonous silence. And, when it grows older, it would be good for protection as well. The benefits outweigh the negatives you selfishly refused to think of.
With the pup’s approval, you lifted it up and cradled it into your side much like a mother would her child. You giggled in delight from the feeling of a wet nose burrowing its way into your shoulder and neck, sniffing the cloth of your dress and your skin like it was trying to become accustomed to you.
You crossed the river even slower now on your way back, very aware of the precious animal you were protecting. When you stopped at the river bank, you gathered your abandoned laundry and placed the puppy in the basket. You didn’t really care about the dirt, grass, and blood that would inevitably stain the fabrics - afterall, they still needed to be cleaned and you had much more pressing issues to attend to.
You walked back with a sudden urgency in your steps, a small trill of excitement buzzing in your being. After months of isolation and misery, something so small had brought you joy, something that had been unimaginable a few hours before.
The pup was much calmer now, softly panting instead of crying as it laid in your basket of sheets, eyeing the world that passed by as you brought the two of you back to your cottage. When you made it inside, you shut the bottom half of the door, leaving the top half open to allow fresh air in without the risk of the pup wandering out and falling down the stone steps. When you placed the basket on the ground it nosed at the sheets for a moment before limping out of the basket.
“No, no, no, stay right there,” You chided, gently scooting it back into the sheets, “you’ll hurt yourself worse if you do that.”
You stayed a moment, locking eyes with the pup to ensure that it would stay and understand. When you were certain that it was calmed you finally turned your back and headed into the kitchen. You rummaged through the cabinets, searching for the healing salves and creams you knew had been there months before along with the strips of makeshift bandages.
Within mere moments of turning your back on the puppy you were alerted once more by its cries. It had tried following you again but was now laying in a heap on the floor, tangled up in the sheet and crying from the pressure it applied on its wounds.
You dropped the bandages and rushed to the pup, cooing as you picked it up and cradled it against your chest. The little thing was an escape artist, that was certain.
You let out a deep sigh as an uncomfortable thought brewed in your mind. It was the only option that you could think of, even though it was terribly unpleasant. Before you could dwell too much you headed towards the back of the cottage where a single door was fixed into the frame. It stuck at your first pull but relented on the second, the hinges creaking in defeat as you entered the room.
Any furniture that was in the room was coated with a thin layer of dust having gone undisturbed for months. That old wound in your heart was bleeding around the edges now, the pain of avoided thoughts bubbling back up to the surface.
There was a crib against the far wall of the bedroom.
You swiftly moved to the back of the room and gently placed the pup inside the crib. The sides were high enough that the injured dog would be unable to climb over and you were confident that this was the safest place for the poor thing.
But even that knowledge couldn’t stop tears from pricking at the corner of your eyes as your hands subconsciously cradled your belly. Your pregnancy had been short lived. Losing your husband had been the catalyst to losing your child, but you couldn’t help but blame yourself. Even though the midwife had promised you it wasn’t your fault you couldn’t see how that could be true. If you had been stronger, if you had taken better care of yourself, you would have been able to save that last piece of him.
If you hadn’t been pregnant, maybe things would have been different. Your husband would have stayed and you would have figured out how to make it through the rest of the winter. But you had been pregnant, he had left to find more resources because of that, and even though he sacrificed his life for you and your unborn child you hadn’t been able to save them.
You couldn’t see how any of this wasn’t your fault when you were at the center of it all.
The feeling of cool tears rolling down your cheeks shocked you back to reality. You weakly wiped the tears away, sniffed, and shook your head. You needed to clean yourself and the pup up, you had priorities.
You rushed around the cottage, busying yourself with what needed to be done. You ran to the water pump and wet some rags, retrieved the salves and bandages, and grabbed a bowl of poultry meat for the dog. This was a welcome distraction.
You were greeted by excited, squeaky barks when you returned to the abandoned nursery. The pup eagerly paced back and forth, its little tail wagging so hard its entire backside wiggled. You let out a gentle giggle before releasing it from the crib and sitting the two of you on the floor, pulling the pup into your lap and distracting it with a strip of meat while you assessed its injuries once more.
You blinked once and then twice in confusion. You could have sworn the wounds had been much worse not more than half an hour ago. The slashes were still bloody and in need of tending to, but they were not the deep, gnarled gashes that had once needed stitching. You were either still out of your mind or this animal had the fastest healing time you had ever seen.
It was much easier to believe that your mind was failing you. And so, you got to cleaning and wrapping the wounds. The pup was surprisingly well behaved, only whimpering every now and then as you touched a tender spot but it didn’t jerk away and did its best to stay still as it ate. The more time you spent with it, the more you realized it was much smarter and more aware than you had once thought. Everything about the little creature seemed eerily human when you thought about it too much. It was better to not think about it too hard.
Trapped in your own mind, you hadn’t realized that you had finished your work. Not until you felt the gentle lap of a little tongue against the wounds that decorated your palms, jolting you back into the real world.
You pulled your hands away with a pained hiss before reprimanding the puppy, “No, no, no, I don’t know where that mouth of yours has been. The last thing we need is an infection.”
The puppy whined in earnest and nosed at your palm once more before you pulled your hands away again and scooped the little thing back up into your arms. This way, it wouldn’t be able to mess with the cuts.
After you tended to your palms, applying salve and wrapping them securely, you couldn’t help but notice the odd tingling you felt emanating from them. It was warm and fuzzy and completely unexplainable - your salves had never caused that sensation before.
As time passed and the sun crossed over the sky before dipping beneath the horizon, the feeling became stronger until it was a pulse-like thrum causing your hands to tremble before steadily declining until it was nothing more than a memory. And an odd one at that.
It was when you began to turn in for the night, that everything fell apart.
You didn’t notice that the crickets had fallen silent nor that the wildlife of the forest had completely disappeared. You hadn’t noticed the hollow ringing that came from the wind slipping between the trees. It was the calm before the storm, and you had no idea what was coming.
The candlelight was dim, casting soft ochre colored shadows over the wood and stone of the cottage. The puppy slept soundly in your arms. Everything was calm.
That was of course until a howl fractured the peace. It was so loud you could have sworn you felt the floorboards shake as a rush of fright went down your spine. The soft lull of sleep was suddenly long forgotten.
The pup in your arms stirred at the noise, its ears perking up and its head frozen in place as it recognized the sound. It was on high alert. It knew what was out there.
You shakily stood and approached the door, the top portion of it still unlatched and swung outward. Outside of the lamp affixed to the stone above the door, the forest was pitch black. You could barely make out the twisted shape of the trees and the brooke that had once been in sight was obscured. But, what was even stranger, was that you were certain that the shadows were moving.
You tilted your head to the side, squinting your eyes as you tried to make out what exactly you were looking at. And then, it was close enough that the light bounced off of it and you were met with the horrifying sight of a set of bright silver eyes staring back at you from the dark.
You were frozen in an instant. But once you realized those eyes were steadily coming closer with a hulking form attached, you acted on instinct, slamming the door shut and latching it closed. You could only hope that the door would hold against whatever that thing was.
Your chest rose and fell with heavy pants as you became more and more unsettled. Why was it so quiet? Why couldn’t you hear something so big moving? Where was it? What direction was it coming from? Your back met the wall and your weak knees had you sliding down to the ground.
Your entire body was shaking in pure terror. There was something out there, something massive and monstrous. You held the pup in your arms tighter, bringing it to your chest for comfort as well as protection.
You yelped as a loud bang popped the eerie silence. Whatever it was, it was slamming its body alongside the cottage. But it wasn’t doing it mindlessly, like it thought it could break through the walls. It was purposeful, it was an attempt to frighten you and determine where you were. It was smart.
You curled into yourself as it came closer. You could hear heavy, sharp pants in between the vicious snarls that it was making. It sounded wild, primal, and predatory. It was hunting.
The pup in your arms began whining and wriggling around as it tried to escape your grasp and all it was doing for you was frightening you even more. All it was doing was making more noise, drawing more attention to itself. And you knew it had, the creature outside had gone silent. It was listening.
And then chaos unraveled in seconds.
You couldn’t even scream when the door was ripped from its hinges, the beast breaking through it like it was wet parchment. You were petrified in place, hyperventilating and trembling at the sight of it.
It was a giant wolf. It was covered from head to toe in midnight black fur although there were spots that seemed thinner than others that were littered in scars - slashes and bite wounds from what you could only imagine were others of its kind. It was larger than a horse with a head so huge it could bite your own clean off in one impressive snap. And then there were the eyes. They were glowing an ice cold silver in the dark with a glare that felt sharp enough to slice through you while a gnarled scar marred the fur and skin of its right eye.
Your body slowly began to slump to the ground, falling weak before the wolf. You looked like the perfect prey, like a rabbit that was so frightened its own heart had stopped. It seemed that the wolf thought similarly. It approached you slowly like it was still on the prowl as angry snarls left its gaping maw. You could feel your blood run cold as you caught sight of its enormous teeth, each one long enough that they could be made into daggers. Whatever this creature was, it was no mere wolf, it was something else entirely.
Your hold on the pup was weakened as your chest and forehead met the ground, bending beneath the invisible weight of the wolf’s presence. From beneath the cover of your hair you could make out its large paws and hooked nails mere inches away from you. It was so close now that you could feel puffs of its hot breath disturb your hair and ghost over your neck. You were breaths away from death.
You couldn’t decide if you wanted to flee or embrace it as you had once desired.
A soft whimper involuntarily escaped you as you waited, feeling the tip of its nose brush over your head as its snarls grew louder. A sudden loud yapping broke the tension.
The pup was frantically barking at the wolf and lunging at it in a playful manner all the while standing in front of you like it was trying to protect you. The sight would have been comical had you not been on the brink of passing out. This tiny puppy was fiercely defending you against this monster.
And, to your surprise, it was working.
Once you gained the courage to raise your head you were met with the sight of the wolf’s intense gaze trained on the puppy. More specifically, its gaze was trained on the bandages covering its wounds. The wolf looked back at you, its hauntingly silver eyes making you flinch. It continued to stare at you for a long moment like it was contemplating something, that of which you were unaware of. But then its gaze hardened and its predatory stance relaxed. It had made its decision.
Without another snarl or howl it nipped the pup by its scruff and began to carry it out of the cottage. It stopped for a moment once it had successfully squeezed out of the broken door frame and looked back at you, this too was a look that you were unable to decipher. It gave you a slow blink and then turned, carrying the pup back to the forest and disappearing into the darkness.
It was in that moment that you finally realized that it had not been a dog you had rescued, but that wolf’s pup.
And with that realization you completely collapsed to the floor and were dragged into a dark, dreamless, restless sleep.
~~~~~~~
Yoongi had come to realize that there wasn’t much that you could do to discipline a two year old, especially a two year old that was a shifter.
His daughter, Binna, had little control over her form and had a knack for slipping away and getting into trouble. That was something he could blame on his other pack members, specifically the youngest three.
He huffed out a sigh as he carefully extracted twigs and leaves from her messy hair, flinging them back into the underbrush. She was the very definition of a wild child. And while it wasn’t uncommon for pups her age to be curious and adventurous, it was uncommon that she so readily welcomed and followed humans.
Humans were dangerous, that was something he had tried his best to get her to understand but she simply couldn’t. She was too young to understand how they could hunt her and hurt her, far too young to realize what that meant, and far too young to understand that it was a human that had taken her mother away from them.
Then again, she hadn’t known her mother all too well. That was evidenced by her clinging to any female shifter she had found and babbling out “mama” to the wrong mothers. She knew her mother was missing, but she couldn’t match the face to the name. He couldn’t really blame her all that much. Her mother had been amongst the best hunters and was oftentimes absent as she hunted for the pack’s survival. Yoongi was a defender, he was there to ensure the safety of everyone that resided within their territory. He was at the front lines. And because of that, his wife was often gone and he was almost always home. To his daughter, her mother was a faceless being.
“Let me see,” He demanded firmly, trying to unwind the bandages that were already slipping from her skin.
She nipped at his fingers playfully, her serrated canines gleaming as she giggled. Yoongi tried his best to suppress his smile, he was supposed to be upset with her. He sighed once more and grabbed the edge of the bandage and began to unwind it.
“No,” She cried in a drawn out whine, “Mama gave me! Mama gave me!”
Yoongi froze, startled as he registered her fractured speech. She thought that human in the cottage was her mother.
He could see why she would think that, you had taken care of her after all. From what he had seen from the wounds he knew they came from a hunter's trap, snares made from silver that were so small they had clearly been designed for pups as no adult shifter would ever be able to be caught in that small a snare. It was clear that you had rescued his daughter and taken care of her in his absence.
And for some reason, Yoongi could only press his lips together in a firm line and failed to correct his daughter. At the end of the day, she wasn’t necessarily wrong.
Yoongi knew you.
He had known you for a while now. He had watched you the day you and your husband had moved in. The two of you had chosen a location that was incredibly close to their territory and so he scouted you out for days to ensure that you wouldn’t stumble too far from your home, to ensure that you weren’t a threat.
He had thought you two were safe, and that was his biggest mistake.
Yoongi would not say that he was enamored with you, but he was definitely interested in you. He had gone his entire life knowing to never trust a human, but as he observed he couldn’t help but be enthralled by your little human quirks.
You were so blissfully unaware of his presence as he silently stalked you. Your husband, like his wife, was often gone during the day and you were left to amuse yourself. For someone of your age, you had this odd youthful aura about you. He would watch as you would jump into the brooke, spinning around and splashing with abandon not unlike his child would.
That version of you that he knew though, that was long gone. Loss has aged you, hardened you. Even though you were completely ensnared by fright he could see the hollowness in your eyes when he had ripped your door from its hinges.
The both of you had been irreparably changed by loss.
And then there was the other problem. He was indebted to you and you were now in his care. While he refused to acknowledge any attachment he felt for you, he couldn’t deny the attraction. It was incredibly wrong considering his own disdain for humans, but he couldn’t help himself. There was something else there, this odd discomfort in his chest that demanded to be felt, a sour feeling in his stomach at the thought of your frightened face.
This was not good.
Contrary to popular belief, wolves do not mate for life. And as a shifter that was even more true. While many chose to bond to one another, it was not horribly uncommon to find a new mate if one were to leave or die. And, very rarely, there were intense bonds that made it so that you did mate for life. In the case of his wife, it was not that type of bond. Of course he was hurt, of course he missed her, but it was not the debilitating grief that you experienced. It was natural for his kind, evolutionary even.
The attachment, this bond he felt for you paired with his daughter’s stubborn belief that you could be her mother made him make a decision far faster than he should have.
You lost a husband, he lost a wife. An even trade. Why could you not fill those roles for each other?
~~~~~~~
The following days were ones where you lived in a state of fright and confusion.
When you awoke the next morning you were greeted by the feeling of the floor against your cheek and a stiff ache in your joints. Apparently, you had spent the night collapsed on the floor.
When you finally mustered up the strength to stand there were several things that were brought to your attention. Firstly, that there was now a gaping hole in the wall from where your door had once stood. Secondly, the events that occurred the night before had not been a grief conjured hallucination. And thirdly, the pain in your hands had completely disappeared.
Upon unwinding the bandages you were met with completely closed wounds and thin scars that looked years old. Your suspicions had been proven correct, that wolf and its pup were certainly not just animals not with the way a few stray licks had healed your palms. Your fingers trembled in fright at the realization before you grabbed another roll of bandages and wrapped them tightly in a panic.
Out of sight, out of mind.
You followed the same thought as you gathered up sheets, a cord, and pins with the intention to cover up the missing door to your cottage.
Out of sight, out of mind.
Unfortunately, that was not possible for you. Before you could even attempt to hang the sheets you were frozen in place a foot away from what was once the threshold. On the cobblestone porch was a carcass. You stared at it, dumb in shock as you tried to understand what you were looking at. It wasn’t a complete animal, it had been skinned and cleaned and left on your porch laying out on a thick piece of brown paper packaging. At first, you considered the possibility that it was another mourning gift from one of your neighbors in town but that was very quickly debunked. For one, they typically cooked the meat or met you at the door. And secondly, there were clear claw marks in the bone and large tooth impressions left behind. You had a sick feeling that you knew where this came from. But it didn’t make any sense, no wolf could clean a carcass like this - this was work done by human hands.
Despite your conclusion, when you raised your head you were once more greeted by the sight of the wolf. He was much closer than he had been the first time you saw him the night before. He laid right by the end of the treeline - half of his body submerged in shade and the other half bathing in the golden glow of the early morning light. Those silver eyes were watching you intently, waiting to see what you would do next.
That only confirmed your suspicions, he had brought it for you. It was a peace offering of sorts, a truce. In spite of that knowledge your hands still trembled when you grabbed a corner of the parchment and dragged the carcass past the threshold. The wolf’s alert and tense body almost immediately relaxed. It was like it was relieved.
It stared after you for a moment longer, gave you a slow blink, and then rose and melted back into the forest - vanishing as if it hadn’t even been there in the first place.
And so you hung your sheet, peeled the flesh from the bone of the carcass, and disposed of the remains.
Out of sight, out of mind.
~~~~~~~
When you woke the next day, the makeshift curtain was pulled to the side and wrapped around a bent hinge that was still mounted to the wall. Another thing you were certain wolves were incapable of.
And there, on the stoop, laid a pile of wild berries and fruit on a small, clean cloth. And, not far away, the wolf was there once more. Although this time it was much closer, so close in fact that you could visibly make out the twisted scar around its eye. It was laying down, much like a dog would, with its large head raised in alert. Those silver eyes flicked slowly from the present and back to you three times, a clear signal that it was waiting for you to take them. It only relaxed when you brought them inside just like the day before.
This pattern between the two of you persisted for several days to follow. And, no matter how you tried to forget what had happened that night, this creature was making it virtually impossible. It was ironic how you had once longed for company and were willing to settle for it from a dog but now that you had someone, well something, watching over you you were incredibly unnerved by the ordeal. But you couldn’t exactly shoo the hulking creature away.
And so each day passed and more presents followed. One day it was bunches of wildflowers, another it was game of varying sizes, and another was a thick pelt that had been handcrafted into a blanket for the cold spring nights. You didn’t know how to exactly decline a gift from a mythical creature. Wouldn’t there be horrible repercussions for that?
The urgency to put a stop to this odd arrangement became even more apparent when a gold pendant was left at your door and the wolf had crept so close that it was less than fifteen feet away. It was beginning to make your home its territory and now it was somehow stealing items you had only dreamed of affording when you were young. It was all too much.
You wound the chain of the pendant around your fingers as you hesitantly crept down the stone steps. The creature perked up in interest, elevating its head again as you slowly approached it, your body shaking in fright in spite of your attempts to school yourself into a false confidence.
“I-” You paused to clear your throat, “I can’t accept this. You’ve done more than enough for me, you’re forgiven.”
It only cocked its head to the side in response. You were just a crazy woman talking to an animal, weren’t you?
“Here, take it,” You tried again, reaching out your palm to it as the chain caught the sun and glistened in the morning light.
It was looking at you like you were dumb.
“Fine,” You sighed, “I’ll just leave it here then and you can take it back to wherever you got it from.”
You lightly tossed it onto the grass and turned your back on the creature before briskly walking back to your cottage. And, despite the haste in which you walked, you were no match for the massive wolf.
A startled shriek left your lips as you felt a large, warm body bump against your side and thick fur rub up against your skin. Another shriek was forced past your lips when its tail wacked you on the backside like it had a mind of its own.
Gold glinted in its teeth before the pendant was unceremoniously dropped on your stone steps, the placement much more haphazard than it had been that morning.
If this had happened a few days before, you were certain you would have been more frightened, but now your patience was far too thin and you were in desperate need for your privacy and a sense of normalcy.
“If you’re going to keep bringing me things, at least let them be useful! Like a door, for instance. You know, that thing you ripped off of my home!”
The wolf huffed in what almost sounded like an amused chuckle before rising and stalking towards you, crowding you up against the side of the cottage. Your heart pounded as you realized you had made a grave error, you were not the one in charge here.
You clenched your eyes shut as you felt a warm puff of air over your face and a wet nose prod your cheek. You shook as you remembered the creature's giant fangs and huge body. You were certain now that it was going to eat you now that you had denied it, these were the repercussions that you feared.
What you hadn’t anticipated though, was the feeling of it pressing its head on top of yours and whining like an overgrown puppy. It was acting like you had hurt its feelings. You hesitantly cracked an eye open only to see this huge, scarred, wolf nuzzling your head and then your hands like it was begging for affection.
A surprised laugh came straight from your chest as you shakily began to pet the wolf. The wolf that had previously been ready to kill you after you had accidentally kidnapped its child.
“Alright, alright, cut it out!” You squealed, laughing hysterically as it began to lick you. You quickly froze when you realized that that was the first time you had laughed in months. It was the first time you had laughed since your husband had died.
You gently pushed against the wolf’s large head as you side stepped around it, a frown now tugging down the corners of your mouth. It felt so wrong to be happy.
Your companion noticed your swift shift in behavior. It ducked its head down and nosed at your back not all that gently as you stumbled forward.
“Don’t you have a child you need to get back to?” You hissed, a sudden wave of irritation rushing over you.
This wasn’t all that uncommon for you. The rapid changes in your emotions. It was easy to feel joy wither away to apathy, to frustration, to anger. Oftentimes you felt like you had no control over how you felt and it left you grasping at straws as you tried to hold yourself together. It was just so hard.
“Go on, go home,” You sighed, flicking your hand in the general direction of the trees, “I don’t doubt that you’ll be back tomorrow anyways.”
The wolf stared at you again, as it tended to, before purposefully bumping its large body against you once more and making for the forest. It hesitated for a moment, looking back over its shoulder to give you one last look, and then it was gone again.
That was what you wanted, wasn't it? But if that were true then why did you hate the loneliness that you were left with so much?
~~~~~~~
That morning, early in the morning, you were awoken by the sound of a hacksaw.
For a brief moment, in the hazy grasp of sleep, you allowed yourself to settle back down when you realized it was just your husband getting an early start on the daily chores.
But your husband was dead.
With that sobering thought you jolted fully awake, gripping your blanket tightly in your hands and pulling it up over your mouth as you struggled to control your breathing. Your neighbors were out of the way and they rarely came to visit anymore outside of the kind supply drops they had provided you with throughout the rest of the winter. So, if it wasn’t them, then who was it?
You rose and with the blanket still wrapped around you, you made for the door as quietly as you could. Once again, the curtain was pulled and fixed to the side like it usually was whenever your companion came to visit you. But the person that stood outside, mere steps away, was very clearly not the massive wolf you had come to know.
You could only see him from the back, but he was very clearly a man. He was a decent height with longer, thick, raven hair that began to curl at the ends. From what you could see of him, you could make out stretches of porcelain skin. He was wearing a loose fit white top and he had rolled the sleeves up past his elbows exposing pale forearms with impressive veins and hands that looked like they had been carved from marble.
Your cheeks grew warm as you realized you were spending far too much time appreciating his appearance rather than worrying about what this stranger's intentions with you and your home were. “What are you doing here?”
The man continued his work, sawing at the wood until the cut was complete before he responded. You then realized that he had been very aware of your presence the entire time, he had not been startled at all.
“You asked for a door, did you not?” He replied, sarcasm tainting his words, as he brushed the sawdust from his hands and turned to look at you.
His face was just as lovely as the rest of him. Dark brows, doll-like lips, and deep brown eyes that had the gentlest slope to them. He was beautiful, that was undeniable.
But what was most apparent and most worrying, was the long scar that ran over his right eye. A scar that you had most definitely seen before. Your body stumbled backwards on instinct, trying its hardest to create more distance between the two of you.
The man raised an eyebrow, a look of pure amusement etched into his features, “You weren’t afraid of me yesterday but you are now? You are a confusing little human, you know that?”
“You - that’s, that’s not possible!” You gasped, tightening your hold on your blanket. “What you’re insinuating is not possible!”
He chuckled to himself, leaning his weight back on his hands as he dropped his chin down, “You want me to prove it to you? I could if you really wanted me to, I do like these clothes though so I’ll only do it if you give me a reason.”
The thought of watching this man, creature, wolf, whatever he was burst out of his flesh and take on a different form was horrifying enough that you were certain you would faint at the very sight. Already you were shaken by the thought of this being possible, you didn’t know if you would be able to handle the sight. Not to mention that subtle innuendo that whenever he decided to take the form of a man again he would be as bare as the day he was born. It was all too much.
“Please don’t!” You cried, “Don’t do that!”
“As you wish,” He nodded with a teasing smile as he turned back to the door in progress. “Perhaps some other time.”
“What is it exactly that you want from me, if you are who you say you are?” You asked.
“I am responsible for you.” He said with a shrug, picking up the saw once more and continuing his work as if what he said made any sense at all.
“No, you are not. No one is responsible for me, you owe me nothing.”
“I don’t? I would think I at least owe you a door, that is what you said after all, remember?”
Heat rushed to your face in pure frustration and embarrassment. He was just as infuriating and insufferable as he was when he was an overgrown dog…that is of course if you were truly willing to believe in that sort of thing. But how else could he have known about your request for the door? Why else would he believe he was responsible for you had you not saved his child’s life? Unless he were some creepy, stalking stranger, he would have no knowledge of these events. This man was the very thing your town hunted and was frightened of.
“Just the door then? That’s all? You will leave after you’ve finished it and your debt will be repaid. You will leave me alone?” You asked.
He paused for a moment, a confused expression taking over his face. He looked at you as if he realized he couldn’t comprehend what you were asking of him. “You confuse me.”
“I confuse you?” You laughed, “I woke up this morning to a strange man outside my home claiming to be something that up until this morning I didn’t believe in, who claims he is responsible for me and owes me when all I want is peace and privacy!”
“That, that confuses me.” He admitted.
“What?!” You cried in exasperation.
“How can someone who so clearly hates being alone also want to keep it that way?”
You wrapped your blanket around yourself tighter, as if that would somehow shield you from the sudden sense of exposure that washed over you. You were feeling vulnerable. You were feeling seen.
“You humans are social creatures, not unlike my kind, yet when you need help, when you’re in distress, you push your pack away. It goes against every natural instinct that you have, it doesn’t make any sense.” He laughed with a shake of his head.
“You are alone here, you have no one to protect you. I can keep you safe in every meaning of the word. Whether that means building you a door, forgive me by the way, or guarding your land. I want to protect you.”
There was a gentle flutter in your heart, one that you desperately wanted to stomp out but were failing to do so. You hadn’t been affected by someone like this since your husband and you didn’t know if you should feel guilty about that. He was supposed to be the one allowed to move on, not you. These feelings weren’t supposed to be for you, they were supposed to pass. It was your job to mourn his loss; he was supposed to be your one and only love. These feelings were supposed to be wrong. So why, deep down, did you enjoy them?
Instead of telling him to leave, to abandon his work and yourself, you made the mistake of giving him a chance. You made the mistake of entertaining him.
“I don’t even know who you are,” You said with a laugh of disbelief.
“Yoongi,” He smiled, a wolfish smile, “And you do know me, I’ve been here longer than you know.”
That wasn’t the comforting sentiment that he was trying to make it be. Just how long had he been watching you? You were reluctant to linger on that thought much longer, so you moved on.
“How long will this take you?” You asked, shuffling closer to his work.
“Not long. Lucky you, you happened to pick a shifter whose trade is in woodworking.”
“A shifter? So, that’s what you are?”
Yoongi pursed his lips, his brows furrowed, he was thinking. It was like he was still deciding if he could trust you or not. He was deciding just how much information he was willing to give up to you despite the fact that you had seen him in his other form.
He nodded.
“Are there…are there more of you?”
“Yes,” He reluctantly admitted, you had already seen his daughter after all.
“Why is it that I have only met one of your kind now?”
“Because, we’re discreet. We have to be. You found my daughter in that hunter’s snare, remember?”
“Your daughter,” You echoed, “is she alright?”
Yoongi practically preened at your concern. All you were doing was giving him validation, you could and would be a good mother to her. You could be a good mate for him.
“Our kind heals fast, she’s already running around causing more trouble,” He chuckled, “but don’t be mistaken, I am grateful for what you did for her. You saved her life and you helped heal her. I owe you much more than you know.”
“I saved her life? You couldn’t mean…”
A grim look descended over his pretty features, a dark gaze settling in his eyes as he paused his work once more, his hands tightly gripping the tools they were holding. “That’s exactly what I mean. We have been hunted since the dawn of time. Woman, man, child, it makes no difference to them. Their entire goal is to eradicate us, they think we are abominations. It wasn’t enough that they took my wife, they tried to take my daughter as well.”
Your heart ached in sympathy for him. You knew that feeling, the overwhelming wave of grief and pain that attempted to drown you in your suffering. You had lost your husband and a child, Yoongi was just as familiar with loss as you were.
You crept closer to him, so close that you could feel the warmth that radiated off of his body like a stove. Hesitantly, you reached out to him and rested your hand on top of his. You could feel his grip go lax, his hand relaxing beneath your touch.
“I know how terrible it can be to hear someone apologize and tell you that they know what you're going through, but I think this is one of those rare moments where it’s true.” You said.
You could feel his gaze on you and the scarred skin of his hands beneath yours. He felt so incredibly close, this was the closest you had been to anyone in a while. You swallowed uncomfortably as you felt his hand turn over and the skin of his palm meet yours as his fingers laced their way in between yours.
“My husband…he was killed this winter. I’ll never know what happened to him, or why it happened, but knowing that he’ll never be here again is the most painful thing I have ever felt. It’s indescribable.”
Yoongi tried his best to suppress the inappropriate smile that wanted to make its appearance known on his lips. You two truly did complete one another. You were two pieces of a puzzle that had not been intended to fit together, but had been carved up and forced together. You were altered, created for one another. He gave your hand a gentle squeeze, stroking his thumb down the curve where your palm met your finger in rhythmic swipes.
“I know that feeling, I understand it well.”
I understand you, he wanted to say.
“People like us, we should stick together. We can trust one another like no one else can.” He murmured, gently brushing up against your side.
That was enough to wake you up from the dreamlike haze he had put you in. You stepped back, breaking your fingers away from his and holding your hand up to your chest.
It was too soon, too much, you couldn’t be that close to someone, to a man nonetheless. You couldn’t trust him, you couldn’t trust anyone.
Yoongi took a step forward and you took three back, retreating from the momentary comfort you had felt. But instead of looking dejected like you assumed he would, he looked determined, he looked sure of himself. And that only made you stumble back even more, stepping up your stone steps and into the house.
“I’ll leave you to your work.”
This is what you did. Despite the entrapment you felt by your loneliness, it was familiar, it was right. The loneliness was easier.
It was the only thing you knew you could hold on to for certain.
~~~~~~~
In the days that followed, you became antsy to get out from beneath your visitor’s presence.
You hurried past your uninvited guest, hoping that he wouldn’t notice you with his back turned to you. Your hopes were quickly dashed.
“Where are you going?” He called over his shoulder.
You came to a halt with an exasperated sigh, “Am I answering to you now?”
He only hummed in response and for a reason that you could not conceive, it lit you alight with agitation. “Where I go, is none of your concern!”
That caught his attention, his head slightly jerking to the side as he watched you from the corner of his eye. “It’s not safe out there, not when you’re alone.”
“I was fully capable of finding my way through the forest before you got here, I seriously doubt that I have lost all sense of direction.”
“It’s not your sense of direction I’m worried about,” He sighed, “There’s more of my kind out there and more of your hunters - both of which would not bat an eye at a human getting caught in the crossfire.”
“It’s never been a problem before,”
“No, but it is now.” He said with a stern glare, his eyes not meeting your curious gaze, but instead staring into the distance. His shoulders were tense, his forearms flexed, he looked as if he was burdened with knowledge that he could not share.
“Yoongi, what is that supposed to mean?”
“Don’t wander off too far,” He deflected.
You stayed for a moment, suddenly unsure as to what you should do. Moments before you were ready to get out from underneath his oppressive stare, but now you were intrigued. Yoongi had told you about the shared hatred between your species. The humans hunted the shifters and the shifters were reactionary killers. They followed an honor code closely and truly believed in an eye for an eye. So what had happened that now made it unsafe for you to traverse the woods when before it had never been a problem. Why would Yoongi’s kind attack you unprovoked?
Despite your stare, Yoongi was blatantly ignoring you, pretending that he didn’t notice you hadn’t left. That was enough to let you know that the conversation was over no matter how much you poked and prodded.
Without another word, you left. Contrary to what Yoongi had believed, you wouldn’t be traveling too far. Your cottage and the shifter would not be in view, but you knew the way like the back of your hand. It was past the brook, and a good walk through the evergreens. What you were searching for was a small clearing.
The trees lined the space in almost a perfect circle, something that appeared somewhat unnatural amidst the organic shapes of the woods. In the middle, there stood one weeping willow - completely out of place and the only one of its kind. And at the base of its gnarled roots was a simple stone with your husband's name carved into it. The earth was still turned, a reminder of just how fresh his death and the wounds they left behind on your heart were.
You gently lowered yourself to the ground, your skirts folding beneath your knees as your fingers pressed into the dirt. You had often thought about crawling back to him, you had dreamed of being wrapped up in his warm embrace again, the two of you entwined and buried beneath a comforter of soil and flowers. In your dreams you were intertwined so tightly that years from now if anyone were to find you they wouldn’t be able to tell where you began and he ended.
“Hello my love,” You whispered despite no one else being in the clearing. And of course, you were met with the silence, the ever present reminder that he had left you and that he was never coming back.
You sniffled as your fingers smoothed down the fluffed dirt before digging into your basket and pulling out the prettiest wildflowers you could find with which you then began to arrange around the stone. You knew it wasn’t right to spend so much time here, you were holding on so dearly to someone that was gone and no matter how much love you held for him it would never be enough to revive him.
When you were satisfied with your arrangement you allowed yourself to empty your eyes of the last of their tears before patting your cheeks dry with the edge of your pinafore. With clear eyes, you were now able to see a few things that you had missed before.
Hanging from the boughs of the tree were several things. There were colored glass stars and moons that were strung up on several branches all of which varied in color and reflected the sun through them, casting brilliant shards of light over the earth. And, amongst those, were small wolves carved masterfully from wood. You slowly stood, your brows furrowed in confusion as you tapped one of the stars with a shaky finger. It swung back and an ethereal ringing sounded from within it.
What were these doing here? At your husband’s grave?
You looked back at the wooden wolves before you began to piece it together. Yoongi, he had a wife. Was this for her? Was this their version of funeral rites? But if that were true then she would have died recently, but why would she be buried here, where your husband had been killed and laid to rest?
Your heart thumped, your palms began to sweat.
No. No, you refused to believe it.
Their words began to rush back to the forefront of your mind, “pieces,” and “consumed.” Your husband had been ripped apart and eaten, there was barely anything of him left behind.
It was her, it had to have been her, she had been the one to kill him. But if that were true, then who had killed her?
“I am responsible for you,” Yoongi’s words echoed through your mind.
They had a code of honor, they believed in an eye for an eye. Or, a spouse for a spouse.
You turned your back on the burial sight and balled your fists up before pressing them against your eyes. Out of sight out of mind. Out of sight out of mind. Out of sight out of mind.
Yoongi wouldn’t, Yoongi couldn’t. He wouldn’t do that to you, he wouldn’t take someone’s spouse from them, he wouldn’t make you feel the same pain that he did.
A rumble pulled you from your panicked thoughts, your breaths still fast and shallow. But what you thought had been the earth shaking, was something far more menacing. Across the clearing stood a wolf, a wolf that was not Yoongi. It was too small to be him and the fur was the wrong color. But the size alone told you that it was clearly a shifter and by the way it was looking at you, you were certain that you were in danger.
You stood still, hoping that if you didn’t make any sudden movements he wouldn’t be provoked but you were sorely mistaken. You could see its muscles tensing up as it crouched low and shifted its weight back towards its hind legs like it was preparing to lunge. No matter what you did, it had already made its decision to kill you right where you stood.
You hadn’t realized you were screaming until you felt the raw pain in your throat, your body acting on its own will to survive as you reeled backwards and hastily began to climb up the tree. If you were lucky, it couldn’t climb, but there was still a human inside of that creature - it was smart, you had seen Yoongi hunt you down before, after all.
You shrieked in fright as you heard the mangy wolf approach, its large paws ripping through the ground as it raced towards you while all you could do was try and climb higher. Unfortunately, you weren’t fast enough. The wolf leaped and its massive teeth tore into your skirt and ripped you from the tree. For a moment, you were completely weightless - you were airborne. And in that brief moment of freedom, you were quickly grounded by reality when you came crashing down to the ground, your forehead just clipping the top of your husband’s headstone as you went rolling down into the grass.
You knew what would come next. This time, the embrace of death would wrap around you. There was no getting around this. But what confused your shock ridden body even more was the pure dread you felt from the realization that you were going to die. You had once welcomed death, begged for her, prayed for her even, but now when you felt her looming over you you realized that you weren’t ready.
You missed your husband, but you weren’t ready to join him.��
And, just as you felt the hot breath of the shifter mist over the back of your neck, it was just as quickly ripped away.
There was a symphony of snarls that followed, the sound of flesh being torn, booming growls, then a pitiful whimper, and a loud snap. And then, all fell quiet.
You were still dazed as you felt warm arms slip beneath your own, pulling you up into someone’s lap and pressing your body back against an even warmer, bare chest. Long fingers prodded at the warm blood that slid down your temple and a deep, frantic voice echoed in your ears - the words were unintelligible.
“I told you not to wander off,” Yoongi said, his lips just beside the shell of your ear, the first words he had said that you could finally understand.
“I told you,” He repeated, his voice wavering and full of emotion as he trailed off.
You looked at him wearily, your head feeling much heavier than it had earlier. His eyes were wide, his pupils blown. The look on his face could only be described as haunting. He was cradling your face with both hands. His thumb stroked your cheek, but his eyes were trained on the weeping willow. He looked just as shaken as you had been before.
That sinking feeling was back in your gut. The suspicions you had were coming back to your rattled brain. But still, you turned and wrapped your arms around his neck, collapsing your body against his completely as you felt yourself slipping away.
He was calling your name, his voice panicked as he held you against him even tighter. You rested your chin on the pale stretch of skin of his shoulder and started back into the treeline. You were finding comfort in the man that you were almost certain was involved in your husband’s death. You were embracing the suspected killer of your husband.
And in your delirium you caught sight of something out there, something you weren’t sure was even real. It looked like one of the clerics from town, his white robes reflecting the sun as he hastily retreated back into the cover of the trees.
A bloodied, naked corpse laid where the mangy wolf once stood.
You found comfort in a killer as a man of god ran away from the sight of the worst sin, murder.
~~~~~~~
Yoongi’s watchful gaze never left you, even when you thought that you were away from prying eyes. When he said he wanted to protect you, that you were his responsibility, he meant it.
It wasn’t safe for you to be alone this close to the woods and this far from town. Even though you chose to ignore this, he knew that he was right. He was oftentimes put on edge when he would think about the possibility of someone wandering through the woods and stumbling upon your cottage. And, even worse, he could imagine what someone would do when they found a beautiful woman, alone, in the middle of nowhere with help miles away. His paranoid suspicions had proven to be true with what happened days before.
“Who was he?” You had asked when you had woken up.
When you had slipped into unconsciousness he shifted once more, swinging you onto his back and racing back to your cottage. It would have been comical to try and watch his massive wolf form squeeze into your home while dragging your body inside, but in that moment Yoongi had trouble finding anything remotely amusing. He had been too frantic to switch back into his human skin and it took him several moments of concentration before he was able to do it.
“He was no one,” He plainly said, his brows drawing together as he dabbed at the wound that split open your forehead.
“You didn’t know him?”
“No,” He sighed, “He was just a nomad, a packless wolf. He must have caught your scent and tracked you down.”
“Was he going to eat me?”
You were met with a sickening silence as Yoongi pursed his lips and bandaged your cut. His silence was a clear answer.
“But, I’m not an animal. There’s plenty of deer and rabbits…” You trailed off.
Yoongi set down the roll of gauze and leaned towards you, cradling your face once more in his hands. “Humans and animals are not all that different, you eat, you sleep, you mate, and you both give chase. Many of my kind see yours and animals as one in the same. What only matters is the hunt.”
Human, shifter, or hunter it didn’t matter, he had grown to trust no one outside of his pack. There were nefarious creatures at every corner, whether he was one of them was still to be decided. His behavior certainly appeared to be nefarious, to an outsider.
He could hear the thrum of your heart in your chest and the quickening of your pulse as you digested his words.
“Don’t be afraid of me, I would never hurt you. I just want to take care of you.” He murmured as he leaned in closer to you and pressed his lips to your forehead is a soft kiss that pulled a sharp breath into your chest.
Since that day, Yoongi’s behavior has drastically changed.
During the day he worked, far slower than what was normal or necessary, and he watched you fulfill your mundane tasks for the day. While they should have bored him, they did quite the opposite. Everything you did seemed so curious, enthralling even. He couldn’t explain this odd tether he had to you. The only thing that he did know, was that he had to be near you. Whatever this was, it had become far more than just a sense of duty he felt towards you.
During the night, when the moon emerged, he would shift and watch from the shadows. He would watch you pull your curtain closed and float from room to room. He would sit as still as he possibly could and listen to your heart beat slow and your breathing even out as you fell asleep. He would sit in front of the gaping hole where your door once sat and he would keep watch, pride stirring in his chest as he protected you.
It was during the night when his daughter would come to visit. Some nights he could hear four paws ripping through the earth as she excitedly ran up to him, other nights he would be greeted by the sound of two little human feet running through the grass. And sometimes, she would morph between the two forms, flickering between the two states like the unsteady wave of a flame.
But, there was one constant with her.
“Mama,” She would whisper, crawling on all fours up the steps.
And every time he would nip her by her clothes and settle her back down in between his massive paws.
It was a silent “not yet.”
You were his responsibility, but his daughter wasn’t yours. Not yet at least.
The three of you had unknowingly settled into a routine. And on the day that the door was finished, that pattern was finally disrupted.
You had grown accustomed to Yoongi’s presence. If you were being truly honest, you would admit that you had grown to like him. You would never admit it to anyone but his presence had filled that hole in your heart that your husband had left behind. You knew that his saving you had caused this pivot in your emotions and in all honesty you were incredibly confused by them.
Yoongi was kind and incredibly gentle in spite of how your initial meeting had gone. His voice was soft when he spoke to you, his smile reassuring, and the gentle touches calming. It was hard not to like him, and it was even harder to remember that he wasn’t human.
But the reminders were there. The odd glow in the depths of his eyes, the wolfish smile, the predatory gaze you had caught sight of whenever he thought you weren’t looking and the looming suspicions you had about his implications in your husband’s untimely death. He was still a wolf, there was no denying that. But you approached it all with the same logic you tended to fall back on: out of sight, out of mind. It was simply easier to not think about it. That, as well as your traitorous feelings for him.
The clouds came out of nowhere the day the door was finished.
“No, no, no, no, no!” You cried as you frantically ran outside and towards your clothesline where you had hung all of your linens.
Yoongi watched you dart in between the fluttering clothes and sheets as the rain slowly began to descend and the wind threatened to whip everything away.
“Yoongi!” You called.
The shiver that sent down his spine was strong. That was all it took for you to rattle him, just the mere sound of his name on your lips was world shattering. You didn’t know just how easily you could ruin him.
“Yoongi, help me!” You called again, your voice stern this time. He thought it was cute when you tried to be in charge.
There had been a definite shift in your relationship after he had killed that wolf for you. You had started inviting him inside for dinner, watching him work, and even spending the evenings with him outside, leaning up against the warm side of his wolf form. And in turn he would accompany you wherever you needed to go, keeping a close eye on you, and a firm hand on the small of your back.
You had grown impossibly closer than you had ever thought you would be capable of. Hell, you hadn’t even questioned why he was wearing your husband’s clothes when you woke up - you weren’t even upset. You were beginning to feel alive again.
The two of your hurriedly gathered the linens. Yoongi had turned it into a game, ripping items off of the line right before you could touch it like it was a race. In all honesty, he made you feel like a kid again. The both of you were laughing, stumbling over the laundry and bumping into each other as you raced inside.
“You were supposed to help me, not compete with me!” You scolded him, dropping the sopping wet pile of laundry into your basket.
“I can do both, dearest.”
Dearest. That had been a recent occurrence. It slipped from his lips one day, it had caused your heart to stutter and your blood to rush and ever since then he had not gone a single day without letting the term of endearment grace your ears. He loved seeing how flustered it would make you, the way he practically purred around the word.
“Or, you could just be kind to me for once.”
“I’m always kind to you, have you not enjoyed the gifts I’ve brought you?” He asked, a faux pout on his pretty lips as he slowly stalked towards you. You could almost see the wolf in him when he did that, you could visualize the swing of his tail and the way his massive head would tip down as his glowing eyes locked in on you. It was there, in the swing of his walk and the taunt muscle of his shoulders. It was an ever present reminder that he was not like you.
You backed up, almost coyly, as he approached. His broader steps quickly gain on your short, shuffled ones. The cold, spring breeze rushed over the exposed skin of your neck, the open doorway was now behind you. But, before you could rush outside and back into the rain and allow him to give chase, he reached behind you and jerked his arm back. In that instant you felt solid wood press against your back, the new door settling perfectly into the once empty frame and blocking off your exit.
You let out a shaky breath as he leaned into you, his chest against yours as he raised his arm above your head. With one swift movement there was a click and then his arm settled by your waist and another click followed. He had locked the door behind you. You were trapped in your own home with the wolf.
The silence that followed was deafening.
Short breaths were passed between the two of you, both of you waiting for the other to make a move. Your lashes fluttered as your gaze traced the contours of his face. You often wondered if he knew just how lovely he was, scar and all.
You swallowed harshly as you raised your hand to his face, your fingers trembling with desire before softly grazing the bottom of the scar. Yoongi’s eyes slipped shut as he moved forward allowing his face to lean into your touch, his body pressing impossibly closer to yours.
“Yoongi,” You whispered.
And with that one simple call of his name, he lunged and went in for the kill. His pretty lips collided with your own as his hand moved to cradle your jaw and tilt your head back with the force of his kiss. With your back against the door there was nowhere for you to go, but there was nowhere else that you wanted to be.
You gasped as you felt his free hand slowly trail up your leg and over your hip before settling on your lower back and sharply pulling your hips against his. A pitiful whimper was passed from your lips to his from the sudden desire that was pooling in your lower abdomen.
A moment of clarity came to you, your mind pushing past the haze of desire when you felt your feet leave the ground. Yoongi buried his face in the junction of your neck and shoulder, his lips and teeth making quick work of the skin there, as he walked. It was when you felt the soft cover of your bed beneath you that you realized what was happening.
“Yoongi, wait -” You tried, but his movements did not falter. His fingers were making quick work of the laces at the back of your dress and he showed no sign of stopping any time soon.
He looked desperate, like he was going to die if he could not have you and the only way to relieve himself of his pain was to unveil every inch of skin that you were concealing from him and each stretch that was exposed was just as quickly covered by kisses and nipped by sharp teeth.
You couldn’t deny the attraction you had for him or the lust you were practically dripping with from his touch. But it felt like you were laying on a bed of needles when you were reminded of your late husband’s death as you were willingly laid down in your marriage bed with a man who was not your husband.
“Please,” You gasped, gripping his shoulders, “not here.”
That seemed to catch his attention as he finally stilled himself. From your position it looked like he was trying to gain some control over himself. His breathing was still heavy, but he had stopped touching you. He looked up at you slowly, his chin just barely brushing over your bare sternum. When he finally looked at you, you stopped breathing. His eyes were lit with moonlight, a silver glow emanating from their depths.
He was more wolf than human in that moment, a creature that was acting purely on instinct.
You cupped his cheek once more and while he flinched at first, he slowly relaxed beneath your touch. He was still eerily silent, and in that moment his behavior reminded you almost entirely of the first time you had met him when he was in his other skin, fully shifted into his wolf counterpart. It was those watchful eyes again, those eyes that held so much depth and awareness that it was startling.
“I can’t, not here.” You repeated.
He blinked slowly, once, twice, and then a third time as he cocked his head to the side. You felt a twinge of fear at that gaze and, shamefully, the rush of lust in your veins. Your body went lax as you allowed him to gather you in his arms once more. He was calmer now, his pace slower as he unlocked the front door and carried you into the night. You could see flickers of your Yoongi in him, his touch much softer as he laid you down in a bed of grass that has been permanently laid flat by the giant wolf that guarded your home.
That night the sky was completely open, not a single cloud obscured the stars or the body of the full moon. It was utterly beautiful. Just as beautiful as the feeling of fresh dew on your back and just as beautiful as the sight of your breath crystalizing in the cold, spring air. But nothing was quite as beautiful as Yoongi. The way that his bitten lips parted with soft gasps and deep moans, the way that his porcelain skin shone beneath the moonlight, and the way that he struggled to part from your lips. It was the way that he would rather kiss you than breathe. Everything about him was beautiful.
You had many regrets in your life, but this would never be one of them. Not when he held you like this, like you were the only person in the world that mattered. Everything about this was supposed to be wrong, unholy even, but that was what made it that more enjoyable. That was what made you tense your legs around his waist, curve your hips against his, and wrap your arms around the back of his neck - drawing him towards your pulse point where he had been nosing at, sucking, and kissing almost obsessively.
When your body shook with pleasure, a rush of warmth and tingles spread beneath your skin, your back arched and your neck was bared. And before you could even realize what was to come, his teeth had already sunk into your neck and shoulder without hesitation accompanied by an almost animalistic growl. The pain was there, it forced a scream past your lips, but it mingled deliciously with the rush of pleasure that emanated from your very core. You gasped and shook, your vision blurring as you were assaulted by your senses, your nails digging into his shoulders.
There it was again.
There was a flash of white in the treeline. It was there for a moment before flickering out of sight as you felt yourself barely clinging to consciousness.
You were being watched again, there was something or someone out there that was following you - watching you in your most vulnerable moments.
You tried to get Yoongi’s attention but he was in a similar state, the both of you lazily holding onto one another and barely moving as you began to drift. Your lips moved but no words were spoken, your tongue felt heavy in your mouth, unable to form words.
Yoongi’s lips were stained with your blood, his eyes heavy lidded but now returned to their dark color that you knew and loved. You tried again to speak but found yourself unable to as he pressed his forehead against your own, his fingers brushing back your messy hair.
The heavy lure of sleep was steadily pulling you under. You supposed it could wait until tomorrow.
Out of sight, out of mind.
~~~~~~~
When you woke up you were back in your bed and you were alone.
The cottage was dark, the windows all closed and the curtains drawn tight. When your eyes fluttered open you had almost believed that it was still night, that you were still outside with Yoongi and you had only momentarily dozed off. But the familiar comfort of your blankets and pillows quickly dismissed those thoughts.
Now wide awake with your sheets pooled around your waist, you could only wonder about where your wolf had gone. Had he left you already? Had he taken your words to heart when you told him that he was to leave when his service was finished? Had he abandoned you after you had shared your most intimate moments with him? What had you done?
You felt a sense of shame wash over you as you stumbled from your bed, dull aches throbbing at various points of your body that only reminded you of what had transpired the night before. Once you collected yourself you made your way to the door your wolf had crafted for you and when you grasped the handle and pulled, you were met with a locked door.
Your face scrunched in confusion as you turned the lock the opposite way and moved the bar at the top of the door but when you tried it again it still would not budge.
You had been locked in your own home like a canary in a cage.
Your heart dropped into your stomach and your throat felt impossibly tight as tears began to brim in your eyes. You had trusted him and in turn he had trapped you. How foolish you were to think that you could trust another man and here you were, a betrayer of your husband’s memory.
You sat on the floor curled up by the foot of your bed with a weak grasp on your blanket around your shoulders. There was an unexpected heartbreak that demanded to be felt in your chest, how could you mourn someone who you never really truly knew? Yoongi wouldn’t even tell you about his family, where he came from, or his people. Your relationship, whatever it was, had been an uneven exchange and you had clung to him so quickly because you had been so lonely. It was unfair.
You quickly swept away the tears from beneath your eyes when you heard a lock turn and light began to permeate the darkness as the door swung open. He came back.
The gentle smile he had entered with melted away, a look of concern taking over his face. He crossed the room and you rushed to stand, your arms crossing over your chest to protect and soothe yourself. You flinched away from his touch as he attempted to cup your jaw, the look of hurt and confusion on his face only inspired anger.
“Why are you crying? What’s wrong?” He asked, trying to bridge the distance between the two of you as he moved closer while you took to stepping around the bed. You needed to keep him away, you couldn’t be swayed by those gentle touches and kind looks.
“You locked me up, Yoongi. Why would you do that?” You sniffled as you attempted to keep your voice strong and firm.
“I didn’t lock you up-”
“Then why was the door locked? Why couldn’t I get out?” You asked, before leaning forward and grasping a cord that was strung around his neck and nestled beneath the fabric of his shirt. “Why do you have this?”
When you pulled the necklace out his hand shot out to grip your wrist in warning, but the damage had already been done. There was a key on his necklace, the key to your cage.
“I’m protecting you.” He whispered, his tone deadly and his gaze dark with warning. “You saw what happened, it’s dangerous out there - I can’t trust anyone with you.”
“No, you can’t trust me,” You corrected him before jerking your hand out of his hold, “This is my home, Yoongi, my home! You have no right!”
“I have every right, you are mine!”
“I am not!”
His eyes were burning again, he was having trouble keeping his anger in check and you weren’t helping in the slightest. His chest was heaving with every breath and his jaw was tense. You watched him take one long breath in and then out before his arm shot out as he grabbed you by the wound on your neck forcing a pained gasp from your throat.
“I told you, I am responsible for you, I need to protect you. This means that you’re mine and that I’m yours, this is a bond that goes deeper than marriage, do you understand that?”
Your lips trembled as emotion welled in your chest, that told you everything that you needed to know.
“You killed him, didn’t you?”
The silence you were met with and the empty look in his eyes was more than enough to confirm. Yoongi had been your husband’s killer. You stumbled back and heaved, waving away his hands that tried to steady you as you felt sickness stir in your stomach.
“How could you? Why? Why did you do it?!” You cried, your fingers shaking as they grazed your lips in pure shock.
His hands were raised as he tried to step closer to you, it wasn’t a defensive position, it looked more like he was trying to calm a startled animal.
“He killed my wife,” He said, his voice much gentler than you expected in your state.
“He wouldn’t!”
“No, but he would kill an animal, wouldn’t he?”
He stopped approaching you and you had stopped moving away, your body having locked up in a state of pure shock.Your silence was enough for him to continue.
“By the time I got there he was already taking her pelt, she wasn’t even able to shift back.”
He had skinned her. He didn’t know there was a person inside of the wolf that he had killed, and he had skinned her.
“I took what was owed to me, he killed her so I killed him and I don’t regret it. The only thing I regret is what that did to you and your child, and I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. But I tried my best to give back to you what was taken. I can protect you, I can take care of you, I can give you children, and I can love you.”
His pupils were blown out, there was a look of pure desperation in his eyes. It was a look that made your heart shudder in your chest.
There was a horrible ache in behind your ribs, it felt like it was on the verge of collapsing. It was undeniable that you cared for him, but the sickness that churned in your stomach was rivaling those feelings. You had never felt so betrayed before by anyone. You thought that he would have been different.
You couldn’t even bear the thought of looking at him in the moment, it hurt too much and you knew how powerful those eyes of his were. You refused to be swayed at that moment.
You knew that no amount of words you could say would force him to leave, so you did the next best thing and sprinted for the door. You barely made it a few steps before he lunged and grabbed you by your waist, picking you up with ease as you writhed in his hold. You turned into a feral animal, throwing yourself around wildly and scratching at any available skin you could find as you cried in shrill screams.
“Stop fighting me!” He grunted, throwing you down on the mattress and pinning your wrists down at your sides as he pressed his knees into your kicking legs. “Calm down.”
A scream of frustration burned your throat as your muscles strained under his firm grip. There was no use in fighting him, he was far stronger than you could ever hope to be. And so your body eventually tired itself out, your limbs going limp as you shook from a mixture of fatigue, fright, and dimming embers of anger. The skin beneath your eyes felt tight from all the crying you had done and the skin around your nails throbbed from the scratches you had carved into Yoongi’s forearms. But of course, those flesh wounds had already healed.
You flinched as he released one of your wrists and stroked your face, indirectly drying your cheeks of their lingering tears.
“You’re scared, now. Confused. But that’s alright, you’ll learn that I am the only one who can take care of you.”
You stayed silent and stubbornly turned your head to the side when he leant in to kiss you, but your actions did not deter him, he only laid a soft kiss to the corner of your mouth with a contented hum.
“I’ll prove it to you, I can give you everything that you want.” He whispered beside your ear before he finally stood and the blood rushed back to your arms and legs.
You scuttled backwards up the bed as he gave you one last lingering gaze and then he slipped out of the cottage and locked the door shut behind him.
He had trapped you once again.
~~~~~~~
You had laid there for a long time, frozen after what had transpired. Everything you thought that you knew has been completely and utterly wrong. It had all been a lie.
You slowly sat up and slid your palms into your lap. Your nails were stained with dark blood, you had hurt Yoongi afterall, not that it had mattered. To him, it had probably been no more irritating than a kitten’s scratch. You were once again reminded of his incredible inhuman nature.
You needed to leave, now was your chance to escape him. It was an odd feeling that stirred in the back of your mind. The night before, there was nowhere else that you would rather be, and now you wanted to get as far away as possible. You wanted to run.
With that thought in your mind you lept to your feet and made for the window. You knew that Yoongi would be able to find you, tracking you would be more of a game than a challenge. But if you left now, you would give yourself a head start. You would make for town and when you entered its boundaries it would be too risky for him to come after you. He wouldn’t be able to get you in either skin, the hulking form of that wolf far too obvious and the flesh of his human skin far too vulnerable when outnumbered.
You pried open the shutters and undid the latch. You hiked up the skirt of your night dress, baring your skin to the cool breeze, and swung your legs out of the window and allowed your body to drop down. You needed to go, there was no more time for hesitation.
Your dress was held tight in each fist as you began to run, the light fabric brushing over your legs as you moved. In that moment you had wished for a pair of shears to shorten it.
A pitched howl echoed through the trees and your heart thrummed even harder in your chest. Your limbs froze on instinct and your ears rang with the sound of your blood rushing. It was too high of a tone to be him, you had heard the sounds he had made when he tore that other shifter to shreds. It wasn’t him but it was someone else.
A small, dark, furry form shot out from the cover of the trees and darted through the clearing. Its pace was sure yet frantic, like it still didn't have control of its four limbs nor its speed. As it came closer you began to take cautious steps backward. You knew who that was, it was the pup.
You watched in horror as the creature’s gait became wild and the pup began to trip over itself before the fur exploded from its skin and in its place was a little girl sprinting through the grass.
There was no denying the impossibility of what you had seen, after all you had seen it with your own eyes. There was no forgetting this.
“Mama!” She cried as she collided with your legs and displayed an impressive strength that was disproportionate to the size of her body, sending the both of you to the ground. The world turned sideways for a moment, and there it was once more. That flash of white that you had been seeing for weeks now. But it was closer this time, close enough that you recognized what it was. From the shape of the clothes on the fleeing form, you knew it was one of the clerics from the town. Has he been watching you all this time?
“I missed you, mama,” She said, pulling your attention to her as she stared down at you with a pair of dark brown eyes that sent chills through your veins. She looked so much like her father.
“Binna,” His voice shot through the air, “Remember what I said? Be gentle, you don’t want to hurt your mother.”
“Sorry!” She giggled as she pressed her cheek against your collarbone, her eyes fluttering shut and her long lashes casting shadows over the skin beneath her eyes. She wrapped her arms around your neck and hummed, the warmth from her body seeping into your skin.
“Sorry, mama.” She repeated.
You gently laid your hand over her back, your breaths still uneven as you pulled the two of you into a sitting position. “Sweetheart, I’m not your-“
“Binna, do you want to go see your room?” Yoongi asked, dropping down into a squat behind his daughter, his eyes on you as he spoke.
Binna let out an excited hum of agreement, scrambling up onto two legs that still wobbled unsurely beneath her weight. You noticed that she was never completely stable in either skin she wore, it was like she was still trying to figure out how four legs and two legs worked.
“Come on, dearest,” He said, holding his hand out to you. You sat there for a moment, stubbornly, but his gaze was unwavering and his body was as still as a statue. You knew there was no fighting him and he had played dirty by bringing his daughter into the equation. He knew that you wouldn’t want to start anything in front of her, the last thing that you wanted to do was frighten her.
You let out an angry huff and rushed to stand without his help, storming past him and walking a few paces behind his small daughter who would toddle every now and then before bending over and trying to walk on all fours instead.
As frustrated, frightened, and irritated as you were, you couldn’t deny the tug at your heart when you watched Binna crawl up the front steps of your home and scamper inside. You could hear the sound of her bare feet tapping against the wood floors and you couldn’t stop the resulting burn in your eyes. You had always wanted to hear that sound, you had always wanted a daughter of your own.
But Binna wasn’t yours.
But it was hard to long for that when you watched her disappear into the once empty nursery. You didn’t like what Yoongi was doing, he was messing with your head. He knew how badly you had wanted your child, how you had tirelessly grieved your husband, and now he was trying to patch everything together and force your lives to fit with one another.
You knew that he could understand your loss, he had lost a wife after all. He would do anything to avoid that happening again, and if that meant locking you up while he was gone, then he would do that. But that wasn’t what you wanted. You had locked yourself up for months on end, turning your home into a mausoleum as you grieved the loss of the life you had once had. You refused to do that again.
The door shut and the lock clicked.
You heard him approach and then you felt his warmth as your back and his breath disturb the hair on your head. It wasn’t all that different from the first time that you had met.
His fingers grazed your own and your hand twitched in response but you didn’t move. He intertwined your hands and pressed his forehead against the back of your head, breathing in your scent.
“You have to let me go, Yoongi.” You whispered.
He froze and a low, warning growl thrummed in his chest causing the hair on the back of your neck to raise. It didn’t matter what skin he was in, your body recognized him as the predator that he was.
“No.” He simply said.
“You’re not being fair -”
“I’ve been nothing but fair. I broke your door so I fixed it, I killed your husband and I gave you myself, you lost your child and I gave you Binna. I have been more than fair, so much so that I even gave you my love when you did not want it.”
You ignored that last part, the love you felt for him causing a stabbing pain of betrayal in your heart. It wasn’t fair that you still felt the way you did about him after everything that he had done. After he had tricked you.
“I am not Binna’s mother.”
He quickly hushed you, spinning you around by your shoulders and staring into your eyes, “She can hear you, she has very sensitive ears and a gentle heart, you don’t want to hurt her do you?”
You bit your lip in frustration, “It’s not fair to her mother.”
“You are her mother.”
And that conversation was over, he wouldn’t hear any of your protests and you feared hurting Binna too much to continue to broach the subject. You were caught in between a rock and a hard place. And the worst thing was that it was hard not to love Binna.
She was curious, mischievous, and sweet. She had been the same way when you discovered her as a pup, but you adored her even more this way. All she wanted was your attention, she was a little girl that was desperate to be loved by a mother.
“Why did you leave?” She stumbled over the words, her little fingers twisted in the fabric of your skirt as you had started dinner, the light of the sunset cast over her eyes and bursts of silver shined in their reflection.
You didn’t know how to respond.
“Mama’s back now, you don’t have to worry about that baby.” Yoongi answered for you with a gentle smile as he pulled her onto his lap.
“Forever?” She asked, staring at him with wide eyes full of wonder that only a child could possess.
“Forever,” He repeated, his eyes tracing over the profile of your face.
The questions didn’t stop there. It was a full moon that night and Binna demanded to be outside. Yoongi had briefly told you before about their connection with the moon. It was almost religious, but even that wasn’t a good comparison. It was a part of them.
“Shift.” Binna had commanded, tugging at your skirt again as she had quickly grown accustomed to.
“I can’t Binna,” You explained, lowering yourself into the grass so that you were more level with her height. “I’m not like you, or your daddy.”
Yoongi had stayed close to you all day, keeping a watchful eye on you to make sure that you wouldn’t try to leave them.
“But…” She said, her words trailing off as her face furrowed in confusion, “It was white.”
You were confused but a quick look at Yoongi cleared that up. His gaze was glassy like he was remembering something, something that he didn’t want to think about. Binna must have meant her mother, she must have seen her before she left. Her pelt must have been white.
Yoongi cleared his throat after a moment, “I think it’s time for bed.”
Binna, even though she was a shifter, was still a child. She whined in protest and went limp as Yoongi scooped her up in his arms and held onto your hand, guiding the two of you back into the house.
The door shut, the lock clicked.
The both of you cleaned Binna up together, her feet and hands dirty from struggling to crawl in her human form and her hair a mess of twigs and leaves. She had laughed as she watched the pile of leaves grow beside the basin and attempted to jump into it like it were a much bigger leaf pile than it really was.
And when she was clean, fed, and tired, she crawled into the center of the bed and reached her arms out for you. Your heart ached again. As soon as you laid down she was curled into your side, her little arms curled into her chest as she pressed her nose against the bite mark on your shoulder, taking in deep breaths.
The lamps in the room were snuffed out one by one, the room becoming progressively darker until it was completely plunged in darkness and only the gleam of silver eyes at the foot of the bed were visible. The bed dipped beneath Yoongi’s weight as he climbed in, laying on the other side of the bed behind his daughter. When he laid down he rolled over, wrapping his arm around the two of you and pulling you in closer to him.
Binna hummed a happy noise, burrowing deeper into your shoulder and burying herself beneath your blankets.
“What is she doing?” You asked, the first time you had spoken a direct question to Yoongi since that morning.
“You smell like me, it’s how we identify each other. She feels safe with you.” He explained.
“So that’s why you did it.” You said, a bitter edge to your words as you smoothed your hand over Binna’s freshly washed hair. “She doesn’t know any better.”
“That’s not true. She chose you, and so did I. She knew you were safe, that’s why she let you take her that day. And this,” His fingers ghosted over the mark sending chills down your spine, “was purely for my own selfish benefit. I wanted everyone to know that you’re mine.”
“You didn’t even give me the choice.”
“I love you, and I know that you love me.”
You remained quiet, not willing to agree or disagree with him. It was hard to make sense of madness, whether that be Yoongi’s or your own.
“You’ll see it eventually, this is what you wanted.”
~~~~~~~
When you woke the next morning, you immediately knew that something was wrong.
Firstly, Yoongi was gone. The spot on the bed that used to be your husband’s was cold, he had been gone for a while. Secondly, Binna was curled into the corner of the room, hiding beneath a blanket as she shook. And when you looked closer, you could see the tip of a snout and a still tail peeking out from beneath the blanket. She was frightened. Thirdly, there was smoke in the air, something was burning.
You stumbled out of bed when there was a pounding on the door.
“Open the door!” A man yelled, the door knob shaking as he tried to open it himself. Your instincts were screaming at you that something was wrong.
“Open up, and pay for your crimes!” He yelled again, this time throwing his weight against the door.
That couldn’t be right? Crimes?
You crept closer to the front window, the wood shutters were pulled shut but there was a crack that you had peered through, unnoticed, many times before. This time, the sight that you were met with was horrific. There was a large, angry crowd with torches outside - illuminating the pitch black field around your home.
You had heard of these events before, but never had you considered that you would become the victim of one, not when you were so isolated from the town. But it was happening now and you needed to act fast.
You rushed to the corner where Binna hid and scooped her up into your arms blanket and all. Her snout sniffed at your bite wound before she began to settle down. You ran to the nursery and to the very back of the room where the crib sat. You gripped it with one hand and with a strength you didn’t know that you possessed you pulled it aside. Your heart pounded and your breath was coming in harsh pants as you moved to the window.
“Binna,” You whispered, forcing yourself to make your voice as soft and soothing as you could. You had one priority right now and that was to get her safe. You had seen what those hunters were capable of before. “I need you to run as fast as you can, and I need you to find your daddy. Don’t stop running until you're safe, don’t stop no matter what you hear.”
Binna stared back at you, her ears perked up as her glossy silver eyes poured into your very soul. Binna was a little girl, but she was smarter than any human child. You trusted her.
A loud thwack sounded from the front door, a sound that you weren’t all that unfamiliar with - it was the sound of an ax striking the door. Your motions became faster and more panicked than before, your nails ripping at the bottom of the window that groaned as you forced it open. You grunted and with one more hard push, it popped and raised and there was enough room that Binna could slide through.
“Don’t stop running, be very brave.” You whispered before pressing a quick kiss to the space between her ears and lowering her as close to the ground as you could. And then, her body left your hand and her dark fur disappeared into the night. You could only hope that she could find help on time.
You had a terrible feeling that you weren’t going to make it out of this.
A loud crack and sharp splintering sounded from the front door and then the thud of boots entered the kitchen. You stayed as quiet as you could but you knew there was no hiding and you needed to buy Binna time.
You slid an oil lamp off of the dresser and hid by the door, waiting for it to open. The boots approached quickly, they didn’t want to give you time to get away and they were hunting you down. This was nothing like the way Yoongi had hunted you, it was un-practiced, frantic, amateur.
When the door to the nursery slammed open you brought the lamp down on the back of the man’s head and sent him crashing to the ground as blood pooled onto the wood. But when you darted out into the hallway, there was already someone else waiting for you.
You swung the lamp towards him with a scream but he dodged, grabbing your wrists and bending them in such a way that a sharp scream echoed through the cottage as you lost your grip and the lamp shattered upon impact with the ground.
The man from the nursery was up and moving and now he was behind you, pulling rope from his belt.
“You fucking bitch!” He yelled, and before you could move he had punched you clean across your face, sending you sprawling on the ground.
You could taste blood in your mouth as he straddled you from behind, wrapping the rope around your hands.
“Get off of me!” You screamed, wriggling desperately but to no avail. All it earned you was another strike to your head that made your vision blurry and spotted.
When you came to, you were being dragged out of your house. The door that Yoongi had painstakingly crafted was shattered.
And, as soon as the three of you were outside, torches were thrown and the house was lit aflame.
“No!” You screamed, guttural sounds that ripped through your throat. “No, no, no!”
Your husband had built that house. It was the only thing that you had left of him. It was yours, it was where you were supposed to make a family and grow old together. And now that dream, that life, was being burned to the ground.
It was absolute chaos.
The smell of smoke burned in your nose and made your eyes tear up on reflex. When you had thought of all the ways that you could possibly die, you had never considered this as an option. You wriggled violently in your bonds like a wild animal trapped in a snare. The rope was digging into your wrists leaving behind raw, bloody wounds. There was no escape, but you couldn’t help but try. If you didn’t free yourself, then this would be it.
There had been a time where you craved nothing more than to be reunited with your deceased lover, but when faced with the frightening reality of death you wanted nothing more than to live.
Violent, raw screams tore through your throat as you were held down to the ground. There were hands everywhere, gripping your shoulders, your legs, and one in particular that was knotted in your hair.
“Silence, witch!” A man yelled, pressing down on your neck and forcing your face into the dirt.
“Witch? Witch?!” You shrieked, another manic scream breaking up your words as you writhed against the ground.
You could hear the murmurs of the crowd that surrounded you and with a strained eye you could see nearly the entire town gathered around you and the men that held you captive. It was clear what this was, but you didn’t want to believe it. You didn’t want to believe that your own kind would turn on you like this. But that seemed to be your plight, those you tried to trust always turned out to be a wolf in sheep’s clothing.
The hand that was wound in your hair tightened its grasp spurring a pained gasp from you as they began to drag you. You could only desperately writhe in the dirt as you were pulled closer to the crowd. You were certainly a sight, your hair a deranged mess, filled with leaves and twigs with dirt smeared down your cheeks and staining the tips of your fingers. Their rough treatment of you had only served to make you appear as the very thing they feared. The thing they were accusing you of being.
You finally came to a stop in front of the town elder, the men behind you forcing you into an upright position on your knees, your arms still painfully stretched behind your back.
The elder looked at you in what could only be described as disgust.
“Behold, the witch who has brought a curse upon our village,” He spoke, his voice raspy and low, causing silence to descend over the group in order to hear him.
“I am no witch-“
“Quiet!” The man behind you yelled before delivering a harsh smack to the side of your head, forcing it to snap to the side as you cried in pain.
“The accused has brought death to all of your doors. She who murdered her unborn child in a covenant with the devil and brought those beasts to our home, and she who slayed her husband to feed those wretched demons and seal their bond to her will continue to slaughter us where we stand. What say you, shall we stand by and allow this to happen?” The elder said, opening his arms to the crowd who voiced their agreement.
This was the man who had known you since you were a child, the very man who had approved your courtship with your husband, the same man that married the both of you. This was the man that would ultimately kill you.
Yoongi was right, humans were horrible creatures.
Your body had gone limp, your head rolling forward as if your neck could no longer bear the weight of it. Desperate, wounded cries burst from your lips. You had not killed your baby, you had not killed your husband, but there was nothing you could say to change their minds. They had already made their decision.
“The punishment for these crimes shall be paid by that of which you are familiar,” The elder said, gesturing to a horrifying sight looming behind him, “Hellfire.”
You couldn’t hear the screams that burned your throat, you could only feel them. There was a loud ringing in your ears and the feeling of your feet and shoulders digging into the ground as you were dragged toward the stake and unlit pyre before you.
They were going to burn you alive.
Your cries for help were left unanswered, there was not a single look of empathy on anyone in the crowd. He had truly convinced them all that the deaths that had plagued the town were because of you. They believed you were the one that had brought the shifters upon them even though that didn’t make sense, they had been there long before you and longer than they realized. But there was no getting through to them. What the elder spoke was considered divine nature.
You sounded like a wounded animal, horrific sobs and screams shaking your body as you were tied to the stake. Nausea swirled in your stomach and your heart pounded, the fear that you felt was indescribable.
Vaguely, you understood that you were mumbling something repeatedly under your breath which was not helping your perception with the crowd. It looked like you were trying to cast a curse upon them. And if you could, you would.
But what you were saying was far from that. All you could brokenly whisper was, “I did not kill my baby.”
The scent of smoke became even stronger and from in between layers of your hair, you could see a torch flickering. The flames wavered, almost teasingly in nature, like it was deciding whether or not it would engulf you in its fiery embrace. Ultimately, that would not be its decision.
“Return from whence you came, witch,” The man before you spoke, and with the crook of the elder’s finger, he lit the pyre.
Heat licked at your feet and ankles as the fire slowly but surely crept up the logs and branches piled around you. This would be a long, slow, tortuous end to your life and that was what they wanted. They wanted to put all of their rage, pain, and hatred onto you and they would make certain you experienced the full extent of their wrath.
Tears rolled down your cheeks as you accepted your fate. You cried as you watched the flames lap at the edges of your skirt - eating away at the hem. In a matter of seconds it would eat the fabric away and begin charing flesh and bone.
But it was when you lost all hope, that fate decided to play yet another trick on you.
Frantic cries were coming from the crowd and when you raised your head you were shocked by the sight of six massive wolves emerging from the trees. It took no time for you to realize that they were just like Yoongi. Binna had made it back to them, she had gotten them to come and help you and thankfully she was nowhere in sight.
The crowd pressed in closer to the elder, who’s face had gone gray at the sight of the wolves, as the six shifters surrounded them, corralling them all into one place.
In the midst of the madness, you hadn’t noticed the presence behind you until you felt your ropes loosening.
It was Yoongi.
The fire was searing both of your clothes yet he remained, slicing through your bonds with deft hands. He had come for you, he had saved you.
The moment your bonds slid from your hands he wrapped his arms around your waist and pulled you from the stake and pyre, the two of you sinking down to the ground in each other’s embrace.
“Yoongi,” You choked, your lungs thick with smoke and ash.
“Shh,” he hushed you, “just breathe, breathe for me sweetheart, just like that.”
His hand came to rest on your chest while he guided yours to his, taking in exaggerated breaths so that you could follow him.
Yoongi was many things: your husband's killer, your captor, your protector, and lastly - your savior. It was impossible for you to describe what you felt for him as it was no longer black and white. If there was anything you did believe, it was that nothing was ever that simple. There are many truths and many lies, it all was dependent on what you wanted to believe.
You coughed again, the force of it shaking your entire body as Yoongi pulled you into himself tighter. You were in his lap, chest to chest, with his nose buried in your hair. You could feel him breathing in your scent, a growl radiating through his chest when he realized it had been tainted by smoke and other men.
“I thought I lost you too,” he sighed before pressing a desperate kiss to your temple and then your cheek. He treated you like you were the most precious thing in the world.
“Help us!” That raspy voice called out to you again.
You slowly turned your head to face the elder who had placed himself in the middle of the crowd, using the bodies of his people to shield him from the wolves that were steadily circling them.
Help them.
Help them?
Help them?!
You cocked your head to the side, a look of bewilderment and rage taking over your features. Why should you help them? After what they had done to you? After what they had accused you of?
Humans were horrible. You didn’t need them, after all, you much preferred to be alone.
You didn’t need other humans.
“Yoongi?” You whispered, maintaining eye contact with the elder.
“Yes?” He leaned forward, his lips brushing against the shell of your ear.
“Kill them all.”
You felt his warm finger trace the curve of your jaw before turning your face in his direction. He looked down at you in a mix of adoration and excitement before leaning in and pressing his lips against yours in a hard kiss.
“As you wish,” He murmured before setting you down on the ground and joining his brothers.
In a matter of seconds he burst free from his skin, a giant wolf in his place alongside the tattered remains of his clothes. The crowd screamed in fright from the sight of his transformation and then from the massive fangs of seven wolves.
You sat there, knees drawn into your chest as you watched Yoongi carve his way through the crowd and toward the elder. And, with great ease, he forced the man to the ground and ripped his head clean from his shoulders. A large spurt of blood soared through the smoggy air, painting the grass a vibrant color.
You watched on as several more people were felled by the shifters, their gruesome screams quieted by large jaws and hooked claws.
You were numb, you couldn’t find it in yourself to care about their lives that were swiftly ended - their souls ripped from their bodies.
You craned your neck back and stared up at the full moon, eyes dull, red, and finally dry as more gurgled screams were silenced.
Out of sight, out of mind.
#bts x reader#min yoongi x reader#yandere#yandere bts#yandere yoongi#bts fanfic#yandere yoongi x reader#yandere kpop#yandere bts x reader#werewolf yoongi#werewolf yoongi x reader#yandere werewolf yoongi#yandere werewolf yoongi x reader#yoongi x reader#yandere werewolf#werewolf bts#werewolf bts x reader
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Happy Spring Equinox, and Aries SZN! 🐏
🔆 Neptune in 2h: This placement can be very tricky because Neptune rules illusions & confusion. If you have this in your solar return, BEWARE, there's a chance you will experience uncertainty when it comes to things like tax returns and finances in general. This is also the house of self-worth, so this could indicate confusion in this area. Even a loss or drop in self-confidence.
🔆 Saturn in 1h: This can manifest in many different ways. But usually you may feel restricted in some way this year, this could even lead to you feeling like an elderly person as you become more mature. The universe will send you a lot of roadblocks this year, and it may feel like you are constantly stuck in life. My advice us to roll with the tides literally, and don't get too down. Because this can also lead to depression. If you've already experienced your Saturn return, this may be a bit easier for you as someone who is still in the beginning stages of their life. Saturn may bring up old lessons and test you to make sure you've learned your lesson.
🔆 Taurus/Libra Asc: These Ascendants are ruled by venus. So already we can see that the year will most likely be intel, venusian based events & circumstances. Such as Love, beauty, finances, business, and socialization. The house Venus sits in can show where most of your focus will be.
🔆 Sun in 3h: May show an increase in popularity, you may be learning a lot, and involved in social media. Talking more with people online, and even meeting people with similar interests. For my 2023 SR my sun landed in the 3rd house, and about a week after my birthday I started tumblr. It got more attention than I expected. I also had the asteroid Webb (3041) in the 1h and Fama at 29° in 11h. So that probably just added a little boost and shows that it was meant for me to start this blog.
Edit: (I actually had a 3rd house stellium)
🔆 Venus 4h: You or your mother may be more interested in beautifying your house, according to the position of Venus in the 4th house. This also indicates that your home life may be more peaceful, unless Uranus or Mars is present, which can show movement. Furthermore, Venus can indicate romance for the year, along with the 7th house. If you engage in romantic conversations, you may experience deep emotional connections with people. Also, you may find yourself meeting very familiar people, even if you haven't met them in this lifetime, and it can feel like you have met them before. The 4th house is very karmic, so it can show partners from the past coming back, whether that be good or bad. However, you can find yourself feeling nurtured within connections or doing the nurturing. Additionally, you may meet romantic partners from home, which could mean that you could meet them online or through family. Overall, your love life will be private and possibly more secure.
🔆 Lilith 7h: According to my natal x Sr chart, Lilith sat in my 1st house while in my separate Sr chart, she was in my 7th house. This indicates that Lilith dominated my experiences in 2023, and as a result, Lilith and I have become friends. Lol. When it comes to relationships, expect the unexpected, similar to Uranus in the 7th house or conjunct the Descendant. Lilith in the 7th house brings taboo experiences when it comes to partners and long-term relationships. Your relationships may have a significant taboo nature to them. In my case, I had vertex and Lilith in my 7th house, which indicates not only taboo encounters but also fated meetings.
🔆 Sun in 9h: Will point towards a year of exploration and studying/learning new things. You may travel a lot during this year, or if you're seeking to study a big topic, expect to learn a lot. This could change your view of life. 9h is traditionally the house of God. More than likely, you'll find yourself learning more about God or feeling a calling to get closer to the masculine part of God.
🔆 Sun 3h: In the previous sun 3h note, I should have mentioned that the 9h represents the house of God, while the 3h represents the house of the goddess. If you have the sun in the 3h house of your Sr, you may find yourself tapping deeper into your feminine side. This can unlock your creativity and help you manifest your desires by using the ancient principles of the universe. Use your feminine charm to attract what you want and your feminine touch to expand your creative hobbies and talents. As someone who already has a spiritual nature and a sun in the 3h house of my Sr, I have felt a stronger pull to tap into my feminine energy, and have learned a lot about this aspect of my life.
🔆 Sharing the same Sr placement as a partner/friend: If you have this with a person you know, you guys could be super close and/or share a lot of the same experiences that year.
🔆 Vibilia 1h: Vibilia is the name for the Roman goddess of travel. @themedialmercurial made a post on this asteroid. I'll link it below. So you guys can go check your natal placements. However, in the 1h for SR charts, this asteroid can point towards guaranteed travel or even life-taking you through many journeys. The sign may give more insight into how this may play out. Also, it's a bonus if you have planets in the 9h house as well. Vibilia post: 1 2 3
Asteroid number (copy & paste)
144
🔆 Juno 7h: May feel a need to commit or get in a relationship this year. Juno represents commitment and partnerships and with it entering the house of pong term partnerships/marriage. It's not uncommon to see these natives getting engaged, married, or entering a long-term connection. This will be even more prominent if you have a vertex here as well.
SR Ascendant Ruler can show where a lot of your focus will be this year.
🔆 1H RULER IN 3H: Your focus this year will be learning, traveling, writing, social media, and acquiring new skills. I would also recommend looking at where the planet of your solar return ascendant is in your natal chart.
🔆 1H RULER IN 6H: Your focus this year will be work, schedules/routines, and health. You may struggle or gain in this area. You may find yourself wanting to create a steady schedule to keep yourself organized. You may also take on more responsibilities this year, this will be a year of working. Putting in those hours to get what you want, you could even be more prone to illnesses/ enemies this year. Your co-workers/work environment will affect you a lot. I would also recommend looking at where the planet of your solar return ascendant is in your natal chart.
🔆 1H RULER IN 5H: Your focus this year will be having fun, doing what brings you joy, and possibly a lot of short-term flings. You may find yourself attending a lot more outings and parties. If not this then you'll be having a lot of attention and working on creative endeavors. This is a year of pleasure and individuality. So do what your heart desires, and take more of an interest in you. Associate yourself with people who make you happy. On the downside, you could become overly involved in partying, drinking, etc, and this may become detrimental to you. I would also recommend looking at where the planet of your solar return ascendant is in your natal chart.
🔆 1H RULER IN 9H: Your focus this year will be travel, attaining wisdom, and becoming closer to God. You may be seen as adventurous and knowledgeable this year. People may be to you for advice this year as well. Travel and possibly even moving is a big chance here as well. Education, God, your beliefs, religion or spirituality, and life views will be important as well. I would also recommend looking at where the planet of your solar return ascendant is in your natal chart.
🔆 1H RULER IN 2H: Your focus this year will be finances, assets, financial investments, financial literacy, and working to improve yourself and/or your worth. You may put a lot of energy towards building yourself up for a valuable future. And also enjoying yourself more or even spending more money. You may make a bug purchase this year that impacts your finances. I would also recommend looking at where the planet of your solar return ascendant is in your natal chart.
🔆 Vertex in your Solar Return shows fated events that you WILL experience this year. These events will be signs of a pivotal point in your life and will affect the rest of your year.
Vertex in 1h: Your appearance, how others see you, a person you meet may change how you and others view you
Vertex in 5h: You may experience a lot of joy and pleasure, sexual encounters, short-term flings, babies/children, creativity
Vertex in 6h: health, work, schedule/routines, more responsibility
Vertex in 7h: partners, may meet a long-term partner/marriage partner, weddings, and a venus-ruled/dominant person
Vertex in 8h: Strong passionate connections, intimacy, your shadow self, a very big life altering experience, inheritances, and death.
Vertex in 9h: travel, higher education, spiritual teachers, and your beliefs
Vertex in 10h: your career, reputation, authority figures, and accomplishments
Vertex in 11h: friend groups, worldly topics, friends, your goals and wishes
Vertex in 12h: spirituality, dreams, solitude, and illnesses
Vertex in 2h: finances, assets, family/generational wealth, resources. What is valuable to you, and gains
Vertex in 3h: speech, writing, neighbors, siblings/cousins, everyday commute, popularity, and social media
Vertex in 4h: Your mother, your home life, moving houses, your ancestry/roots, women in the family, your womb, and emotions.
🔆 Valentine (447) 1h: This asteroid represents love and is one of the strongest love asteroids, in my opinion. This occupying the 1h shows that you will most likely be falling in love especially if this conjuncts your asc, because it's also making an aspect to your dsc (7h, the house of partners/relationships). This will sweep you off your feet, and Valentine shows a sacrificial kind of love. Likely, you'll find yourself doing things you never thought you would do for love. This can be indicative of realizing you have fallen in love with a partner.
🔆 Destinn (6583) 7h: This asteroid in solar return shows what is destined to happen this year. In the 7h, it will be destined for you to meet, get married, or get into a long-term impactful commitment. This encounter will likely feel fated.
🔆 Sun conjunct Amor (1221) /Cupido (763): You could be a lover girl/boy this year. Amor means "love" in English. So, this being conjunct, your sun can show that some of this year's themes will be love. Cupido shows that Cupid will be shooting you with an arrow of love. You will find yourself deeply admiring a love interest. These are just the beginning stages of the strong feelings you will feel for this person. Expect a year of love.
🔆 Lovelock (51663) 7h: You will likely meet a romantic partner whom you are deeply attached and form a deep loving bond with. This can show that you'll be locked and in love with this person as well.
🔆 Union (1585) 7h: Imma keep this sweet & short.... yeah, you'll be coming into union with your person more than likely. This asteroid represents a union. Marriage is also likely to occur.
Ps: Union conjunct sun can also signify this!
🔆 Sunshine (3742) conjunct Venus: ☀️ Sunshine conjunct Venus, can show happiness when it comes to finances & love. You can experience great bliss and luck, it'll be like a breath of fresh air.
🔆 North Node conjunct Sunshine (3742): You will experience a lot of happiness this year if you have been having sadness/depression. This shows a forecast of Sunshine! Good days are ahead
🔆 Sunshine (3742) 1h: Similar to the north node, you will find yourself being very happy & satisfied with life and yourself. You could have an increase in self-confidence. You'll also be seen as a beam of light by those around you. Be sure to get a lot of sun, and summertime could benefit you greatly.
🔆 Briede (19029)/ Groom (5129) 1h/7h: likely to meet your spouse or be a bride/groom.
🔆 Boda (1487) conjunct Vertex: This shows a fated wedding happening.
🔆 Vertex conjunct Alma (390): the point of fate meets the asteroid of the soul/soulmates. These two combined can show an encounter with a soulmate
🔆 Eros (433) 1h/ conjunct asc: Eros is sexual attraction, in the 1h this shows you will experience sexual encounters & romance.
🔆 2h ruler in 12h: Your finances may go through losses when it comes to finances. On the other hand, this can also show receiving money from hidden sources, or through spiritual practices. This can also show that manifestation and visualization can help you attract money. Since, the 2h is 11 places away from the 12h, and the 11th house rules dreams, goals, and aspirations. You can set a lot of unreasonable goals for your finances this year. The 12h is also the house of expenditures as it is ruled by Jupiter/Neptune. So you can gain a lot of money but also spend a lot, or either spend more than you have. If traveling abroad, you can spend a lot of money traveling. Be careful not to get scammed this year, and be watchful of your money because it could even get stolen or lost. Also spending money on spirituality. You will value your spirituality and alone time.
🔆 2h ruler in 7h: Your finances will likely go towards a partner or a relationship, you could be the provider for your partner/spouse. This could show spending money on a business, or a wedding. This shows you will value your relationships.
🔆 2h ruler in 2h: The 2h lord in the 2h, shows you will value money a lot this year, you'll have tunnel vision when it comes to finances. You can spend money trying to make money and investing. This is honestly pretty good for investing. You could also be wanting to spend money on things that have great value and bring you quality.
🔆 2h ruler in 8h: This combination, shows that you may be sharing your money, or even joining your assets with a close partner. This is the house of shared finances and joint ventures. So don't be surprised if you and your partner open up a shared account. This can show spending money on businesses. There may be inheritances, or loans involved this year.
🔆 4h ruler in 12h: This year may indicate spending a lot of time at home, alone. This can also show deep emotional problems coming up. You can find your origins within spirituality, and even experience loneliness in your home life. The 12h rules foreign settlement, and the 4h is the home, so this may also show moving abroad, or finding a home in a foreign place. This can also indicate a strong spiritual connection to your ancestors. With the 4h showing what brings us comfort, this can show that spirituality, alone time, and water/foreign travel will bring you comfort.
🔆 4h ruler in 9h: Similar to the 12h but less emotional, this can also show traveling, and find comfort, in traveling or settling in a place that is foreign to you. You will be expanding your horizons this year, and more than likely finding a new home. This can even show not having the most stable home, like you may travel a lot this year!
🔆 4h ruler in 7h: You may find yourself moving in with a partner, or being in a relationship that brings you a lot of comfort, and emotional security. This may be the year where you establish a long-lasting relationship.
🔆 Pluto conjunct IC/ 4h: Your home life will change, and go through a transformation. This is an indication of moving to a new home! Your sense of security will be shaken up. This will be softened if you have the moon or Venus in the 4th house as well because Pluto can be super intense.
🔆 Uranus conjunct IC/ 4H: This is another big indicator of moving, and most likely a long-distance travel and it could be random. Because Uranus represents unexpected shocking changes, and it'll most likely happen very fast.
🔆 Uranus conjunct DC/7H: This shows your partnerships, which will be surprising. There may be something unexpected happening in this area, this doesn't always have to be horrible especially if you have benefic planets here as well. If it's here alone, then this may show a long distance or relationship that has a lot of ups and downs. This can show your partners may be unconventional in any sense, they could even be from a different caste than you. With Venus and Uranus here, you may unexpectedly get engaged, or married. This can show an unexpected/ surprising love meeting as well.
🔆 Fortuna (19) in 1h/conjunct ASC: This placement, can indicate fortune and luck coming to you this year!
🔆 Fortuna (19) in 2h: Fortune when it comes to your finances, and extra money.
🔆 Atira (163693) in 1h/conjunct ASC: This asteroid represents prosperity through selflessness, so this year you may find you do things for others that bring you abundance. You may have to make sacrifices this year to gain something bigger & better.
🔆 Midas (1981) in 1h/ conjunct ASC: Everything you touch this year will turn to gold. Your skills/talents will bring you a lot of abundance. Others will see you as a source of good luck. Expect major fortunes this year.
🔆 Amalthea (113) in 1h/conjunct ASC: Amalthea represents infinite abundance, so this one is pretty self-explanatory. This year, money will find you regardless of circumstances, you could receive massive amounts of opportunities, and lucky situations coming towards you. This could even show blessings when it comes to your physical appearance.
🔆 Opportunity (39382): Depending on the house placement can show where you are likely to receive the opportunity this year. In the 1st house you will be brought many opportunities, you can have many chances to go towards your goals. In the 2h, your finances, and how much money you spend. This could result in having many opportunities to make or spend money, or even save. This could also be great for investments.
🔆 Tyche (258) in 2h: Luck in finances...
I hope you guys enjoyed this! Happy New Year, and let me know if you want to see my solar return chart for 2024!
𝐃𝐢𝐯𝐢𝐧𝐞 𝐃𝐞'𝐋𝐮𝐱𝐞
𝐇𝐨𝐭 𝐀𝐬𝐭𝐫𝐨𝐥𝐨𝐠𝐲
𝐏𝐚𝐢𝐝 𝐑𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬
#astro community#pretty caramel#astrology posts#astro notes#astro observations#astro posts#astro placements#natal chart#astrology#asteroid#astrology blog#astrology tumblr#asteroid astrology#astrologyposts#solar return#solar return notes#love astrology#astrology birth chart#aries szn#spring equinox#astrology facts#forbidden astrology#forbidden essence#hot astrology#astrology thoughts#astrology transits#astrology talk#astroblr#astrology community#meditation
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the boy spurned as evil and the girl of his youth
sukuna x reader
w/c: .6k
tags/warnings: angst, i'm afraid. young!sukuna. depictions of blood. ur dad's an asshole. fem!reader. no use of y/n.
a/n: please check out the lovely artwork by @demonzaemon that inspired this piece!!! i'm definitely down to write a second part about a reunion, so let me know if that would interest anyone!
masterlist
read part two here
thinking about sukuna at 10 years of age— he's been abandoned by his family and scorned by his village because of the strange way he looks. he has to steal stale bread during the night to survive. he has to take shelter in the ruins of an abandoned home. he has to bear the harsh elements. he has to do it all alone.
that is, until he meets a curious little girl by the riverside during the spring. he'd found an old, frayed fishing net the day prior, and while he hopes to catch something he can eat for dinner, he catches your attention instead.
and you marvel at him as if he's the most remarkable thing you've ever laid eyes on. you're poking at the harsh lines that mar his skin. you're pulling at his pink hair because you're convinced it's fake. you're counting his arms as if the extra two will eventually disappear.
he doesn't mind though. he's too caught up in the fact that someone's touching him. that he can feel the warmth of your skin against his. he can hardly believe it when you scamper off, calling over your shoulder gleefully, "i'll meet you here again tomorrow!"
after that, everything changes and he finds himself in your company more often than not. you sneak your meals out of the house each day, even though your portions are meager. you bring him a few of your blankets, even though it means you're cold at night. what he appreciates most though? the fact you look at him like he's human.
then, what is simultaneously the best and worst night of his life happens. you fall asleep beside him in the overgrown grass near the river. its early autumn by now and the stars are twinkling in the sky, so your body clings innocently to his, seeking his warmth.
he takes the opportunity to study you in the moonlight. to commit every detail of your face to memory. he considers the fact that you feel safe enough to fall asleep beside him, even when every other person in the world has deemed him evil and sinister.
eventually he's lulled to sleep by your slow and gentle breaths, but not before coming to the decision that he is yours and you are his. and while you're the only thing in the world that the young boy has to his name, he's okay with that.
then, all too soon, he's awoken by yelling and it's not a moment later that you're ripped from his arms by your father. he's screaming about how you've defiled yourself by associating with such a despicable fiend.
"no, he's my friend! he's good!" you wail, your arms stretched toward sukuna in a plea for help. "don't let him take me! please!"
and he tries. he really, really tries. he runs after your father, beating at his back in an attempt to free you, but he's just too small. his body is weak from years of malnourishment. the older man pushes him to the ground with little effort and sukuna's palms slice open upon the sharp stones protruding from the earth.
crimson spills from the wounds, but he can hardly feel it. the ache in his chest is too consuming. too agonizing. it's unfair that such a little body should house so much pain, but that seems to be the story of his relatively short life.
so as he calls out to you, his voice broken and desperate, he knows it's the last time he'll ever see you and he's forced to come to terms with the universe's cruel edict— that he deserves to spend his life alone.
#m!writes#sukuna#sukuna x reader#sukuna imagines#ryomen sukuna#ryomen sukuna x reader#ryomen sukuna imagines#jujutsu kaisen#jujutsu kaisen x reader#jujutsu kaisen imagines#jjk#jjk x reader#jjk imagines#sukuna angst#ryomen sukuna angst#jujutsu kaisen angst#jjk angst
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Shadows of the Heart
Prologue
Azriel x Reader
Summary: After years apart, Y/n returns to Velaris, bearing the weight of sacrifice and secrets from her past. Reunited with Rhysand and his Inner Circle, she navigates the complexities of rekindled friendships and unresolved tensions.
Y/n’s powers are inspired by Scarlet Witch from Marvel. She is a sorceress living in Vallahan, with her family hailing from the night court.
Word count: 1k-ish
Warnings: mentions of blood, wounds, but nothing particularly graphic
Azriel stood off to the side, quietly observing the cozy scene in the House of Wind's living room. There was Feyre, nestled comfortably on Rhys's lap, her giggles echoing softly as she leaned in to catch his whispered words. In the corner, Amren made an art out of lounging, a smirk playing on her lips as she peered over her wine glass. Cassian had wrapped an arm around Nesta, her head bent together with Gwen and Emerie, engrossed in a lively discussion about their latest read. The ambient buzz of conversation, punctuated by the occasional clink of glasses filled with Rhys's impressive wine, created a backdrop of contented harmony.
Azriel tried his best to shove aside the twinge of jealousy that crept up on him, watching his brothers and their bliss. He didn't want to feel like just an onlooker, basking in the warmth of their happiness, yet here he was. His mind wandered to Elain, who had opted for an early night. Would her presence have allowed him to drift away from this feeling, to find solace in her gentle smiles and tender gazes? It seemed chasing fae after fae with hearts as bright as the sun was his lot in life. Yearning for a sliver of light in his shadowed existence, a beacon like Elain, or Mor, someone to take him out—that's when he noticed it—his shadows, usually so still, began to stir anxiously around him.
In danger, in danger, they whispered, urgency threading through their murmurs.
In pain. Falling, falling, the ones closest murmured, their voices escalating into a desperate shout.
Springing to his feet, Azriel scanned the room, brushing off the puzzled glances thrown his way. Then, a sharp thud echoed, quickly followed by a cry that cut through the relaxed chatter. In a heartbeat, he was dashing towards the balcony, with Rhys and Cassian hot on his heels, all three propelled by the sudden urgency to uncover the source of the disturbance that had just intruded upon their peaceful evening.
Bursting through the balcony doors, Azriel was met with a scene that defied all expectations. Chaotic runes smeared across the floor in hasty, overlapping strokes forming an intricate magical circle. At its heart lay two figures: a faerie kneeling, her skin so pale it shimmered with almost ethereal light, ebony locks sprawling untidily about her. Her eyes, aglow with an intense crimson, matching the runes surrounding her, pierced through the night. Dark stains marred her robes—wounds, he realized, still seeping blood from her arm and leg. She cradled Mor’s head in her lap, their gazes locking in a moment so profound, that Azriel felt the world around him come to a standstill. He swore he felt his heart stutter, a memory long forgotten trying to urge its way out. Mor, his attention snapped to, was equally pale, her lips tinged a sickly shade of blue.
“What did you do to–” Just as Azriel began, he saw the female look behind him, exclaiming, “Rhys!
“Y/n?” Rhys ran to her, his hands frantic, unsure of whether to hold her or lean for Mor.
“Rhys” She began again, her breaths coming out in spurts. She grabbed his hand as he leaned down to hold her, “Poison…she’s been poisoned, needs tonic–”
Barely finishing her sentence, her eyes rolled back and she collapsed, Rhys’s hands halting her from hitting the floor.
“Call for Madja” Rhy yelled. “Mor’s been poisoned and perhaps Y/n as well.”
Before Azriel could react, Cassian stepped up, carefully lifting Mor, while Rhys carried Y/n, both moving swiftly back into the sanctuary of the house.
They found a bedroom with two twin beds, laying one on each.
Madja, a whirlwind of expertise, raced around both, focusing her skills on stabilizing Mor's precarious state. Meanwhile, Rhys was tasked with a grim duty, pressing down on Y/n's wounds, which despite the salves and a plethora of cloths, continued bleeding relentlessly.
"It's the runes," Amren interjected, her voice slicing through the turmoil like a blade. All eyes, save for Madja's, who momentarily lessened the fervor of her tonic mixing, turned to her.
"She utilized ancient magic," Amren stated, her declaration hanging in the air, dense with implications, yet devoid of further explanation, prompting Rhys to press for clarity.
"And that means?"
The urgency lacing Rhys's voice caught Azriel off-guard. Who was this female, who seemed so familiar and why was she so important to Rhys? He felt a spark of anger at the way Rhys held her, despite knowing Rhys's heart belonged to Feyre.
"It means she offered her blood as a sacrifice. Likely to transport herself and Mor here. Inspect Mor for runes," Amren directed without pause.
Before Amren's words could fully settle, Madja cut through the sleeves of Mor’s dress, revealing an arm ensnared by crimson runes, mirroring those that marred the balcony.
It was then that Azriel's senses sharpened, recognizing the scent that pervaded the air—a metallic tang he had initially overlooked in the chaos. Blood. Those runes, those symbols, all wrought from blood. Recollections of the massive circles they had traversed to enter this scene played back in his mind, causing his stomach to churn. It was reflected in Feyre's gasp as she rushed to aid Y/n, while Rhys was overtaken by a wave of nausea.
The room, already tense with fear and uncertainty, was engulfed in a silent horror as Madja's voice, though trembling, broke through the silence. "She's correct. The blood serves as an anchor for Morrigan's soul. The runes must bind Morrigan to..."
"Y/n's," Rhys provided, his voice steady in the thick silence.
"Yes, to Y/n's very essence," Madja concluded. "This means Y/n will continue to suffer, to bleed, until Morrigan shows signs of recovery. In exchange.”
A heavy silence settled over them, punctuated only by the rhythmic thud of Madja grinding her herbs, as the gravity of their situation unfolded.
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Author's note: Hi everyone! I’ve been a lurker in the acotar fandom for ages, this is my first time writing, so do let me know what you think. I'm not totally sure how far I want to take this series, but I do have longer chapters planned ahead.
#azriel au#azriel shadowsinger#azriel x reader#azriel x y/n#acotar series#acotar#acomaf#acowar#azriel x oc#rhysand#morrigan#acotar fanfiction#azriel acotar
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Do Your Worst
Pairing: Azriel x Reader
Summary: Azriel’s lover is having a hard time, but no amount of acting out can push him away
Warnings: mentions of violence (torture)
Notes: Sorry for the silence, I’ve been having terrible writer’s block but I think I did okay with this one!
Image Credit: Pinterest
Today was rubbish. Probably one of her worst days yet.
It had been exactly two months since Hybern captured her from Azriel’s post and took her to their war camp deep in the Spring Court’s woods. Exactly two months since she’d been tortured for information she’d die before giving up. Exactly two months since she’d made peace with her death. Rhys couldn’t track her immediately, Mor and Feyre’s searches came up empty each time, and even Azriel’s shadows couldn’t pick up a clue. Azriel had driven himself mad, downright insane, trying to find her. Each day he spent every waking hour looking for clues, scouring the forests for her scent, and each day he returned to bed with nothing to show for it. It took Amren and Nesta a month to finally locate her. In that month she laid cut and bruised, chained to a wooden post like an animal, struck, cut, and burnt for every question she refused to answer. They left her in the middle of that camp, exposed to the heat of the day, the cold of the night, the rain, the wind, and the thunder. They made her into a spectacle.
She only thought of her family, her Azriel, the entire time. My Azriel, she’d think each time they brutalized her. My Azriel, my Azriel, my Azriel. Rhys collapsed when she allowed him into her mind after they brought her home. He would never forgive himself for sending her on that mission, nor would he ever show his brother what she’d shown him, for Azriel very well would have sent Prythian to immediate war.
And while the cuts, bruises, burns, and broken bones would heal completely, the skin of her back would forever be changed, marred with angry, raised scars from a heavy leather whip. She could barely walk.
The first time Azriel saw the lashes on her back, he was helping her undress the night she returned home. Each movement caused her to cry out in pain. She tried to bite her lip, clench her fist, grip Azriel’s arm, tried anything to keep from crying, but nothing helped– the pain was too much. It would’ve been a mercy from the Mother to fall apart, limb by limb, bone by bone, instead.
Azriel had seen all the other scars when Madja was working on her; those alone made him sick and wild with a hideous rage, potent enough to crumble the mountains surrounding the city into nothing more than powder on the ground. The lashes on her back– the thought of some wretched male stripping her and lashing a whip over her soft, warm skin in the mud and rocks– filled him with a fury so intense, so horrid, he could’ve wrapped his bare arms around the sun and pulled it down to earth. Set everything on fire.
That very night, with names in his ear courtesy of the shadows and Cassian and Rhys positioned at her door, Azriel made each of those names pay. He was back by sunrise, tucked into bed beside her, wing draped over her restless body, and she was none the wiser.
“You’re killing it,” Madja’s appointed physical therapist, Jarrah, encouraged as he watched her do her exercises. He was tall and muscled with glittering, golden-brown skin, looking ever the Summer Court high fae that he was.
“It’s killing me,” she ground the words out, mincing each syllable as they passed through her teeth. Pain gripped her legs, lower back, and upper arms like a vise as she fought to complete a rep, the movements squeezing every last bit of energy out of her and collecting on the mat below in puddles of sweat. “I can’t do it, Jarrah.”
“You can and you will,” he squared his shoulders at her, smile fading as he willed her to find her strength again. In recovery, he’d taught her, there were good days and there bad days– healing was not a linear process.
Some days she did well in physical therapy and pushed herself– the pain only meant she was getting stronger. Azriel would be absolutely beside himself with pride and their friends echoed as much.
Other days, her body seemed to give out in protest, the pain too unbearable, and she’d wonder if she’d ever be the same again. Azriel would encourage her– she knew it wasn’t pity– but she couldn’t stand it all the same. She’d collapse onto the floor against her will during physical therapy, shoving Jarrah away with shame when he’d tried to help her up each time. Sometimes, she’d wake up in the dead of night, clammy, and nauseous from a nightmare that felt more and more real each time she had one. Azriel held her to his body whenever she’d jostle awake, heaving and shaking, stroking his warm hands up and down her arms. Other nights he held her hair back as she retched her dinner into the toilet, panting and crying silent tears.
“To expect linearity is to set yourself up for failure,” Jarrah lectured during their very first session when all she wanted to do was get to the hard stuff, to prove that she was alright– that she was still whole. Jarrah did not mind her bad days, but something died within her every time she left training without making any notable progress– every time her body failed her when her mind seemed to be giving its all.
From the moment they started their session this morning, Jarrah noted her body was fatigued and her mind was somewhere else. Oh dear.
“We can take a break–”
“No!” She buckled down and held her position, determined to prove to herself that even on her worst days she could succeed. It was the most enthusiastic response Jarrah had gotten all session from her so he allowed it. He watched her body tremble from the strain, the sweat bead at her temples, the fatigue in her eyes as she fought the pain in her spine.
Her body could not bear it anymore. She felt her traitorous legs give out beneath her and the ground came up faster than she could register, faster than Jarrah could react. A strangled cry crawled from her throat as she collapsed and her body trembled in a pain her mind could barely process.
“Fuck,” a familiar voice rang out from the gym’s entrance and Azriel ran in. Just great. What was he even doing here? After the first training appointment in which Azriel could barely keep himself from choking out Jarrah and coddling her, he agreed to not interrupt her sessions thereafter. His disregard for their agreement made her feel so small.
“Fuck,” Jarrah echoed. He was at her side in two steps, arms outstretched to help her up, but she scooted away as fast as her leadened arms would allow, turning her face away in shame.
“Don’t touch me!” She croaked.
Jarrah stopped himself by the time Azriel was at her side, crouching beside her and taking up what felt like all of the oxygen in her space. Breathe, she tried to remind herself but with Azriel hovering and Jarrah a foot away, both watching her crumpled pathetically on the mats, she couldn’t.
“Are you alright?”
“Get her some water!”
“That’s enough for today, let’s get you some food.”
“... My love?”
Azriel’s soft voice pierced through her terrible thoughts. She felt his strong hands reach under her armpits to help her up but she pushed against his biceps, swatting him off in a desperate attempt to move away. But the pain made her so dizzy, it was difficult to create any real distance.
“Don’t!” she cried out, for it was all she could do, and Azriel dropped his hands immediately. “I can get up on my own.”
Azriel didn’t move. Jarrah placed a comforting hand on Azriel’s shoulder. “We should give her some space.”
Azriel clenched his jaw but it didn’t stop the twitching of his upper lip. He stood abruptly, swiveling on his heels so his face was only mere inches from Jarrah’s, who’d since quickly retracted his hand to himself. To his credit, he kept his shoulders square, but even he wasn’t immune to the pure threat in the Shadowsinger’s glare.
“My mate is in pain, she can’t even stand up, and you want to leave her like this?” He growled.
Anger grappled her lungs, stealing whatever air she’d managed to collect. That was the problem. “I can stand up, Azriel. I’m not made of glass.”
It took her a few minutes, but she did it. She first rotated her hips so she was on her hands and knees. With one foot underneath her, she pushed herself up, trembling, sighing, moaning as her body resisted the upward movement, but she finally stood.
Azriel clenched his hands at his sides to anchor himself back, to resist from helping her. He knew she was capable of doing anything, that she didn’t really need him. Part of the reason he was so hesitant to pursue her all those years ago was because she was so independent that it intimidated him. Azriel wasn’t sure what he brought to the table, what he could do better that she already did for herself, how he would fit into the life she’d built for herself.
But that didn’t change the fact that he would still do anything for her. It didn’t take away that primal need to protect her. He tried his best not to suffocate her but sometimes he couldn’t help his instincts when his love for her outweighed everything else.
She allowed Azriel to link his arm with hers as she waved goodbye to Jarrah, silently apologizing for Azriel’s outburst.
“Let’s get you something to eat, yeah?” His voice was soft as he led her out of the gym and to the townhouse’s sunlit sitting room. “You did so good today, love.”
“I’m not hungry.” Was all she replied. She couldn’t stomach anything after such a rubbish session. Fear that she would never be the same ever again set in, but nobody would understand. No one could even fathom what it would do to her if she couldn’t keep doing her job, going on these missions, protecting this city. If she was relegated to a desk for the rest of her life, she’d have lost everything she’s ever worked for.
“Sure you are. At least something small to keep the medicine down.”
Madja had her on a cocktail of herbs and elixirs– something for the pain, something for the scars, probably something for how fucked her mind had become– she couldn’t keep track. Azriel kept track for her. She swallowed the pills and the bitters he gave her and allowed him to rub the salve into her scars before bed. Whatever. This was life now– being shoddily held together by some combination of antibiotics, gauze, and ointments.
She shook her head in defiance and Azriel sighed, stopping her just before the doorway to the living room where the rest of their friends sat. She was so stubborn– if she didn’t want to do something, no one could get her to do it. It was a quality he admired but also a quality that drove him downright mad at times like this.
“What’s bothering you?”
“You mean besides healing at a snail’s pace and sitting on my ass all day in this house while everyone else goes to work– fulfills some sort of purpose? I’m doing just great.” The smile did not reach her eyes.
Azriel tilted his head as if to say No, really. I know there’s something else. He could read her like a damn book– it had always been that way.
She hesitated for a moment before confessing, “I don’t know if I’ll be the same ever again.”
Azriel’s face softened at the anxiety that weighed on her shoulders so heavily they sagged.
“Of course you will, love. It’s only a matter of time.”
“It’s been two months and I can’t even climb the stairs without needing a break. My body hurts by the time I go to bed. I can still feel my back– the scars–” the words caught in her throat and she quickly cut herself off before she choked on them, unable to talk too much about it without feeling her body and mind repulse.
“Come here,” Azriel wrapped his strong arms around her frame and pulled her into his body so close their hearts beat in sync before each other as if in private conversation. “The physical training, the medicines, the therapist, you’ve got it all going on. No one here is working harder than you right now.”
“But what if it isn’t enough,” she mumbled into his chest, a single hot tear catching on the fabric of his sweater. She turned her face into his chest to wipe the tear away completely and Azriel’s heart broke for her. He wished he could reach into her chest and pull out the pain with his bare hands, fly with it to Ramiel and drop it at the peaks where it could never find its way back to her ever again. “You know better than anyone, you could do everything right and it still wouldn’t matter. I just need to get better. Be myself again.”
“I will love you no matter what happens. Even if you are never the same, I will still love you. This changes nothing.”
She pushed him away abruptly, hastily wiping away tears as if Azriel couldn’t see them. He didn’t get it. This wasn’t about him, about him loving her. This was her life. If she couldn’t get back to who she was, fill the roles she’d spent her whole life caring about, where would she stand among her family? Where would she stand in this life? In this world?
“But it changes everything for me,” her eyebrows furrowed incredulously. “I want my body back, my mind back. Thanks for letting me know you’d still love me if I were to be this fucked up forever, but that’s literally the last thing on my mind right now, Azriel. I don’t want to be fucked up forever, I want to get better, and I need you to want that for me too.”
Azriel tried to find the right words, stuttering in his search to say the right thing. He didn’t mean it like that. He only ever wanted the best for her– would kill for her to have what’s best for her. “I-I didn’t mean–”
“No, I’m sure you didn’t.” She huffed, storming past him into the sitting room. Instant guilt flooded her as soon as she left him. Azriel helped however he could. Perhaps it wasn’t his fault that he couldn’t put himself in her shoes in this very situation, but he’d gone through something traumatic too, and Azriel definitely knew a thing or two about helplessness. Still, she felt so alone. Azriel tried, but he wouldn’t understand what it was like to be a woman tortured in a camp full of males. What that took from her. She wouldn’t explain it.
Azriel watched her storm off, feeling as if he was failing her all over again. Every night, he watched the dullness in her eyes grow as he handed her the medicines. When she laid down in their bed with practiced monotony so he could rub the salve into the scars stretched across her back, he bit the inside of his cheeks to keep from crying. They were nasty things, raised and swollen with blood and she flinched every time he touched them, as if he were delivering the lashings all over again. She was hurting and he felt so helpless. He vowed to always protect her and take away her pains but he could do neither of those things and the thought of it ate him alive everyday. Only the Mother knew the true lengths he’d go to for her. That man would do anything.
In the sitting room, Azriel brought her a sandwich that he put together in the kitchen. Nuala and Cerridwen insisted that would make it, but he politely refused. He wanted to be the one to do it.
“Az, I told you I’m not hungry,” She murmured as he handed her the plate.
“You need to eat something if you want to keep the medicines down,” He reasoned again.
“I know what Madja said, I was there,” She snarked, crossing her arms. She was so tired of people telling her what to do. Jarrah telling her what exercises to do, Madja telling her what medicines to take, Rhys telling her that she shouldn’t try to work again so soon, Feyre telling her she should take more walks, Cassian telling her to drink less wine, Azriel forcing her to eat more food.
“Okay, darling,” He placed the plate on the table when she wouldn’t take it from him.
“Turkey and swiss, okay!” Cassian peeked at the sandwich, nudging her arm. “And he cut it in half too.”
“Just the way she likes it. In half though, not diagonal– too much crust in one bite if it's cut diagonal,” Azriel smiled from where he sat across the table from them. She could have cried at the sight of him, at the love in his eyes, in his voice. Words were never his strong suit but Azriel more than made up for it in acts of service. This was how he showed his love. This was him reaching his hand out, begging for her to take it, to let him in. To let him help.
And she didn’t know why she had such a hard time letting him in. She didn’t want to seem incapable of anything, and letting herself fall apart the way Azriel would allow her to terrified her. She’d never fallen apart before. She didn’t know how she could do it without completely tearing herself and every past wound open again. It broke her heart to watch his smile falter when she didn’t reach for the plate.
“I’m going to bed,” she stood up as quickly as her body would allow and left the room. It was too much. Azriel’s disappointment, everyone’s expectations, watching her, studying her, readying themselves to be there for her if she did explode. She never needed this much attention in the past– to receive so much of it all of a sudden made her feel like she was made of porcelain and everyone was expecting her to shatter at any moment. She could hardly breathe in that room and needed to get out before something within her cracked further.
The stairs loomed before her, mocking with how many there were. Grabbing the bannister until her knuckles paled, she hoisted herself up one step at a time, maneuvering her body so that her entire weight wouldn’t be on one leg for too long.
Nesta appeared behind her, climbing the steps she’d taken over the course of minutes in just mere seconds, with a stack of books in one arm and a handful of her gown in the other. Nesta stopped a couple steps ahead, turning around and looking down at her through long eyelashes.
“Well this is pathetic,” Nesta snorted.
“Fuck off,” she meant to sneer, but it came out in a breathless huff instead. Pathetic indeed.
Nesta let her skirts fall from her right arm as she extended it toward her.
“I don’t need your help.”
“You definitely do.”
“Don’t you have those smutty little novels to get back to?”
“Shut the fuck up and take my arm, or bust your ass on these stairs, I don’t care.”
Begrudgingly, she took Nesta’s arm. Neither of them spoke, but Nesta patiently guided her up the stairs, supporting her where she needed it. Out of the entire Inner Circle, she got along the most with Nesta. Their conversations usually followed a very similar pattern as this one did, but only because they each saw a little piece of themselves in the other, even if they never mentioned it.
“Heard you being a bitch downstairs,” Nesta finally spoke when they cleared the last stair and stood at the landing so she could catch her breath.
She couldn’t find it within herself to take offense. “I love him more than I’ve ever loved anything or anyone. I don’t know why I do this,” she confessed. She didn’t need to explain further. Nesta automatically understood. When they locked eyes, that silent comprehension flowed between them again and for the first time since arriving back home from the war camp, she felt relief. The kind of relief that made your heart beat out of your chest and go a little dizzy. The kind of relief that came from being completely understood without having to spend the energy trying to put the thoughts and feelings into comprehensible words.
“I know. It’s not your fault.” The words fell softly from Nesta’s lips. It was the last thing she said before she led her to the library. They sat in arm chairs across the fireplace and read for hours in each others’ company. No one came looking for her. No one tried to force a plate of food down her throat. No one wanted her to do those stupid mobility stretches. Nobody was asking her if she was okay. It was everything she needed. So why did she still feel restless, like something was missing?
Azriel.
She left the library after she’d calmed down. In the quiet, amongst the books, when she thought that was all she needed, she felt misery instead. She needed Azriel. She wanted to lay in bed with him forever, feel his skin on hers forever, stay in his warmth forever, feel their heartbeats sing side by side forever. Azriel forever. Nothing else would compare.
When she reached their room, it was empty. Disappointment flooded her chest, but she knew Azriel was giving her space. As she moved closer to the bed, she found a new plate of food waiting beside a note. A remade sandwich, cut down the middle as always.
Your favorite. Was all the note said.
Indeed it was. She polished off the sandwich in a matter of minutes, as ravenous as she was. Actually, she was hungry when Azriel first offered one to her in the sitting room, but she was too stubborn to take it then.
The bath towel beside the note on the bed was warm to the touch. From the soft sound of trickling water in the bathing room, she knew he’d run her a bath. The air above the tub smelled of sandalwood– his scent. As she stripped off her clothes and lowered herself into the warm water, the scent encompassed her as if he was in the room with her right then, waiting to join her.
Surely, an hour or two must have passed. Her eyes pried open, the water and soap around her body in the tub still warm and feathery like a winter duvet. She didn’t know when she’d fallen asleep, only that it was the best sleep she’d gotten these past two months. For the first time since coming home, she slept with no nightmares and no nausea to rouse her from rest. She didn’t even dream. She simply passed out.
When she finally left the bathroom, her body wrapped in the towel he’d warmed for her, she found Azriel sitting on the bed with a book nestled in his large hands. As she stepped through the doorway of the bathing room, he looked up, smiling softly. Pure love shone in his eyes like a beacon, flashing and blinking in the darkness that war camp left her in.
At the sight of his soft smile, the gentleness of his features, the relaxed sag of his shoulders, she felt something break.
Sensing a shift in her demeanor, he lowered the book, eyebrows knitting together.
"What's wrong?"
Those two damned words. She bit the inside of her cheek, walking weakly to Azriel's side of the bed. He placed his book on the nightstand and sat up straighter, anticipating her next move.
She climbed into his lap, straddling his hips, and laid her upper body against his torso, nuzzling her face into the crook of his neck. Her arms wrapped around his body tightly, breathing him in like he was the oxygen she lived off of. Anything else, anything that was not Azriel, and she could just die right there.
He brought his arms around her tightly, heart sinking when he felt her hot tears on his neck. She did not shake. She did not sob. He only felt the wetness on his skin and the erratic heaving of her chest against his as she fought to regulate her breathing.
He did not say anything else. He held her, unmoving except to rub her back or run his hand over the back of her head, smoothing her hair. His other hand held the back of one of her thighs to keep her in place as she grew increasingly limp in his arms.
"I've been such a wretch." Her voice was heavy and filled with sorrow. "I've been such a wretch to you. I'm sorry Az."
"Oh my love," He held her as close as he could, willing her to feel the love he held for her in his chest. His love for her ran everywhere his blood did, from his toes to the top of his head, every day and every second, his astonishment of her coursed his body like an electrical current keeping him alive. Without her, there was no pulse.
"How do you put up with me?" He felt her wipe her nose on his shoulder and he couldn't help the smile on his lips.
"Because I love you, and I know your anger has nothing to do with me."
"But you should not have to put up with it."
"I will put up with anything when it comes to you. You don’t ever have to worry about that when it’s you and I,” He pulled her back so he could look into her eyes. “You went through something horrible. You’re going to need time to work through it all, but I will be here for every moment of it. I’m sorry if I’ve been suffocating you, darling. I only do it because I can’t help it. When I see you hurting I wish I could take all of it from you and put it in me.”
“I never want you to hurt,” she told him earnestly. The thought of him going through what she did filled her with rage so sudden and consuming she couldn’t begin to imagine what Azriel felt when they finally found her at the camp.
“I could never when I have you looking out for me,” He smiled that cheeky, boyish smile that came out so rarely.
“I’ve just been having so many bad days. I should be happy that I’m back home, that I’m safe now. I don’t know why I’m feeling like this, and it comes out at the wrong times in the wrong ways. But I don’t know what I’d do without you, Az.”
“Even on your worst days, you’re the best of us. So do your worst. I can handle it."
The disbelief in her eyes melted away when he cradled her head, smiling earnestly– and gods, she wished she could commission Feyre to paint him like this– a man smitten. With all the tonics and creams Madja had forced on her, she had a sneaking suspicion that none of them would truly heal her. They helped the symptoms, but never the cause. She’d accepted that it would take a damn miracle to heal the cause. And here Azriel was, pleading and lovely, looking like her damn miracle.
She let him undo the towel from around her body and lay her into the soft covers, warm from where he sat while she was in the bath. Turning over, Azriel smoothed the salve over her scars as he did every night. But for the first time in months, she finally replied to his attempts at starting conversation as he worked. For the first time in months, she laughed genuine laughs that felt only slightly foreign– much like old friends– in her throat. For the first time in months, as he tenderly slicked Madja’s balm over her scars, praying to the Mother for her health over each one he touched, she did not flinch.
#azriel#azriel shadowsinger#azriel imagine#azriel x reader#acotar#acomaf#acowar#acofas#acosf#rhysand#rhys acotar#cassian#feyre archeron#nesta archeron#elain archeron#amren acotar#mor acotar#sarah j maas#lucien vanserra#acotar fanfiction#acotar series
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was thinking about next-gen kids and decided to doodle a couple. elaborated thoughts below:
Iphis is named with the same naming conventions that Sally used when naming Percy - primarily, mythological figure who had a good fate. Nice for Percy to honor his mom by naming his own kid the same way and Annabeth gets a fun nerdy mythology name. Also sending good vibes to their kid. Plus middle name directly in honor of Sally, of course.
Specific myth is Iphis and Ianthe, with the idea that a.) it's gender-neutral so works regardless of kid's gender and b.) not only does Iphis have a good fate, but arguably nothing bad happens to them ever and they get helped out by like three whole pantheons who show up in a literal parade and they live happily ever after. Percy and Annabeth are pushing for the BEST vibes possible.
(Also I am a very strong proponent of the "I don't think they'd name their kids after dead family/friends" so none of them have that)
Iphis of course inherited the Jackson family early grey hairs <3
Virginia is named after Juniper (cause Juniper is specifically implied to be Juniperus virginiana). She's probably been childhood bffs with Iphis since Iphis was born.
Chuck is Chuck. I gave him a Yankees jersey cause you know he's being raised as a sporty kid.
Do you ever think about how OP Frank and Hazel's kid would be. It's ridiculous. Quadruple legacy, including 2/3 of the Big Three. Frank by himself was already so OP the gods had to nerf him. Hazel came back from the dead and Frank kinda just said "nope" to dying that one time. Hazel presumably has every power that Nico has which is. A lot. Not to mention what Hazel has been shown to just be able to do on her own (including but not limited to SINKING AN ENTIRE SMALL ISLAND). Ares/Mars kids can functionally be completely invulnerable sometimes and also have some limited necromancy. Combo that with Hades/Pluto kids also being hard to kill and having necromancy as one of their main powers. Not to mention how Pluto geokinesis might combo with Chloris (goddess of spring) powers? And this kid is 100% being protected by both Nico (who is probably a deity by that point) and probably Pluto himself as well? Hello?
Anyways Hazel and Frank's kid is a total powerhouse. Possibly functionally immortal. Easily strongest demigod of her generation.
I like to think the latent Chloris legacy would crop up (probably in combo with Mars and Poseidon's plant aspects) and give them an accidental Persephone-type theme and that's fun. Frazel's goth daughter who takes after her grandmother (and uncle).
Figured since Frank is Canadian and Hazel is from Louisiana they'd go for a French name. The flower theme was not intentional on their part it just happened. Law of demigod naming conventions appears nonetheless.
I figure Leo might not have kids of his own but he probably still hangs around with Hazel and Frank so of course he's going to make their kid a cool thematic robot pet. He's probably her godfather or something.
Ronan is literally just some kid who showed up at the Chase Space who coincidentally was a legacy of Freyr and could shapeshift. Magnus and Alex obviously can't have kids cause they're dead, BUT some orphan with essentially a combo of their powers just shows up on their doorstep? Their kid now.
The ironic part is of course their shapeshifting powers just happen to be because they're distantly related to one of Annabeth's friends. Ronan finds himself suddenly gaining two parents and two cousins (Iphis and Lily) in rapid succession.
He only picks up Magnus' last name though cause Alex has 100% disowned her mortal parents.
He has a seal flipper cause shapeshifting and apparently "Ronan" means seal. I just wanted to draw those two showcasing their shapeshifting a lil bit.
Might try to doodle the other next-gen kid thoughts I had at some point but idk when. anyways yeah.
#pjo#percy jackson#riordanverse#mcga#< for ronan#pjo ocs#pjo next gen#< ??????????#my art#Virginia may or may not have a crush on Iphis who knows#also Virginia is 100% worrying constantly about living up to her dad's legacy as lord of the wild#meanwhile like Iphis and Lily are just going ''haha powers go brrrrr''#Iphis knows their parents want them to have as uneventful of a life as possible so they have absolutely zero worries#Lily meanwhile isn't worried about living up to her parents' legacies cause she knows she's OP as fuck#she is just fully aware that she is the most powerful demigod of her generation zero contest (or is she...?)#the only way she wouldn't be is if demititans turned up somehow#but who knows! they might! they could!#but regardless Lily is just under the assumption that She Is The Best#Ronan and Chuck dont really have any of that to worry about they're just vibing
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Let's Get Out Of Here
Aha, the writer’s block is gone! I’m not sure what this is but I hope you guys like it! Please leave your thoughts in the comments.
~*~*~*~
Eddie had wanted to leave since he stepped foot into the god-forsaken town. As soon as he’d passed the town’s border in the backseat of the social worker’s sedan, he knew he didn’t belong there. Hawkins was everything he despised about society; white picket fences for the rich, small town boys who thought they were better than everyone else, and snobby adults that turned their nose up if he so much as looked at them.
So yes, he’d been imagining a way out since he got in. He’d imagined Corroded Coffin making it big and getting to leave Hawkins together, best friends living the best life on stage while sharing their music with the masses. They wouldn’t be the outcasts that people treated like shit beneath their boots anymore, they would be something important. Unfortunately, that dream was squashed by his experiences over Spring Break. His old friends wouldn’t so much as glance at him much less leave town to hit the road with him.
Gone were the friends that would listen to him narrate a campaign for hours on end. Gone were the the friends that would drop everything to practice one of Eddie’s spur of the moment song ideas. After Spring Break of his third senior year, Eddie was alone.
He managed to avoid criminal charges by the skin of his teeth with a bogus alibi fabricated by the surprisingly-still-alive-Chief Hopper. He was finally able to graduate from high school and get a full time job to raise some money. But everything else was ruined. The friends he’d had since sophomore year were gone, the trailer he’d called his home was savaged, and his body was marred with gruesome scars that still wrought pain on the worst days.
On the bad days when the pain kept him in bed, he’d fantasize about leaving Hawkins. New, more achievable dreams centered around moving someplace new with Wayne. They’d pack everything up in the van and truck and just take off. They’d leave the tragic Midwest behind and head somewhere bigger like LA or NYC to take the world at storm, Munsons against the world as it had always been. Unfortunately though, they just didn’t have the funds to do that. Wayne couldn’t leave the plant when he had no savings to his name. And Eddie didn’t have anywhere near enough saved from working at Thatcher Tire to support them both.
He still had nothing going for him in Hawkins though. The harsh glares and pointed insults had only worsened since Chrissy’s death. He had to leave. But, he’d always been a coward at heart and he wasn’t brave enough to leave on his own. He would be trapped in the town that hated him until he died or something happened to force him out.
The one thing he had still was his family. It had lost several members but it had gained even more. The Party had managed to creep passed his defenses to find a place in his broken heart. Steve and Robin in particular grew close to him, assigning themselves best friends of Eddie Munson 1 and 2, respectively. They would hang out around Wayne’s new trailer, bother him at work, and he’d bother them at theirs.
It was on one of these impromptu hang-out sessions that a spark of hope developed in his chest. He’d been mourning his cowardice and inability to leave in silence until Steve started complaining about feeling trapped in his empty home. It was then that Eddie saw an opportunity.
“I don’t know, man. I know it sounds stupid, how can I feel trapped in a big house? But there’s just nothing there! And it’s, it’s suffocating, man. I don’t know how much longer I can stay there.”
Steve murmured his words against the end of a cigarette, his body leaning against the side of the car that Eddie was pretending to work on. But how was he supposed to focus on changing a timing belt when the object of his affections was expressing a will to leave?
“I don’t think it’s stupid,” Eddie nearly fell over as he rushed to reassure him. “Hell, I’ve felt suffocated since I got here.”
Steve hummed softly and took a puff of his cigarette.
Eddie smirked sardonically and chuckled to himself. “Maybe we should leave together. You could stop being a ghost in your parents house and I could stop being the murderer that killed his classmates. We could get a place together and decorate it half jock, half metal. That’d be a sight.”
Steve looked over at him with squinted eyes. “Really? You’d want to leave with me?”
“Why not? You’re one of my best friends, Stevie. I’d love to leave with you.”
The suspicion melted from Steve’s expression and a genuine smile took its place. He dropped the cigarette to the gravel ground, pulled the tool from Eddie’s hand and pulled him into an all-encompassing hug.
“Let’s do it! You and me. And Robin, I don’t think she’d let me move without her. We’re a package deal, if that’s okay.”
Eddie laughed and it’s him, high in the moment despite it all being a joke. “Of course! You can bring your emotional support lesbian and I’ll bring my Sweetheart. Then we’ll take the world by storm.”
Steve held onto him for another few moments before pulling away. “Okay, when do you want to leave?”
The smile fell from Eddie’s face. “Wha- seriously? You actually want to leave with me?”
“Um, yes? I feel like I made that pretty obvious.”
Eddie blinked. “Um, okay. How about the end of the summer. Then we’ll have enough time to find a place and raise some cash.”
Steve grinned. “Sounds good! I’ll tell Robin. See you later, Eds!”
Eddie could only watch him skip to his car in shock. Steve continued to surprise the hell out of him. He’d shocked him in the Upside Down by being a genuinely good guy. Again when he’d fought the entire basketball team two weeks afterward to protect Eddie’s honor. And now with plans to rescue him from the stifling hatred of Hawkins.
When he pulls him into a gentle kiss as soon as they step into the apartment with Robin behind them griping about carrying all the bags, that’s a nice surprise too.
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#They make Robin carry all of the bags so they can pick their rooms first#they end up sharing anyways#they move to a city and live the lives they could never live in Hawkins#and they’re happy#stranger things#steddie#fanfic#steve harrington#eddie munson#robin buckley
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Every Pagan Holiday
JANUARY
KALENDS
1st January
Origins: Ancient Greece/Rome
Observed by: Hellenic/Roman polytheists
Honouring Janus/Juno, first day of the Year. Kalends brought us the word 'calendar'.
ÞORRABLÓT (THORRABLÓT)
End of January/beginning of February
Origins: Iceland
Observed by: Heathens, Asatru
Midwinter Festival honouring Thor, usually by feasting and poetry.
FEBRUARY
IMBOLC
2nd February
Origins: Celtic polytheism /Ireland, as St. Brigid's Day
Observed by: Most neopagans, Wiccans, Druids, Asatru (as Charming of the Plow)
Imbolc is the most widely known and observed pagan holiday in the months of January and February. It falls at the beginning of spring/end of the winter for the Celtic peoples; marking the changing of the seasons, as most holidays do. St. Brigid is a Christianised form of or inspired by the Celtic fertility goddess Brigid who is celebrated on this day.
PARENTALIA
13th-21st February
Origins: Ancient Rome
Observed by: Greco-Roman polytheists
Translating to 'Ancestors Day', Parentalia is a nine-day celebration of deceased ancestors. Historically it was observed by feasting and making offerings and sacrifices to the dead and spirits of the underworld.
VÁLI'S BLOT
14th February
Origins: Old Norse
Observed by: Heathens, Asatru, Norse polytheists
Váli's Blot is considered by some Asatru to be the Norse equivalent of Valentine's Day but is widely acknowledged as a season changing festival. A day for marriage and celebrating with family and friends, and for remembrance of Váli, the son of Odin who defeated Höðr on this day.
LUPERCALIA
15th February
Origins: Ancient Rome
Observed by: Greco-Roman polytheists
Festival thought to honour a wolf who raised abandoned princes, celebrated originally by sacrificing goats to the gods, feasting, and, for fertility, nudity and fornication.
LESSER ELEUSINIAN MYSTERIES
17th-23rd February
Origins: Ancient Greece
Observed by: Hellenic polytheists
Initiation to the cult of Persephone and Demeter by sacrificing a pig. Prelude to Greater Mysteries, initiations held on these dates. Once completed, initiates could then move onto Greater Mysteries in the autumn.
ANTHESTERIA
27th February - 1st March 2021
Origins: Ancient Greece
Observed by: Hellenic polytheists
Athenian festivals dedicated to Dionysus and the dead. Held around the full moon in the month of Anthesterion, which in the Gregorian calendar this year roughly translates to 27th February.
THE DISTING/DÍSABLÓT
End of February/beginning of March
Origins: Uppsala, Sweden
Observed by: Heathens, Asatru, Norse polytheists
Celebration of Valkyries and other female spirits, called dísir. Sacrifices were made for a good harvest. Celebrated still by an annual market in Sweden.
MARCH
KALENDS
1st March
Origins: Ancient Greece/Rome
Observed by: Hellenic/Roman polytheists
Honouring the god Mars/Ares. Kalends brought us the word 'calendar'.
OSTARA/EARRACH
20th March
Origins: Anglo Saxon paganism, popularised as Ostara by Wicca
Observed by: Anglo Saxon Pagans, Wiccans, Neopagans, Druids (as Alba Eilir), Heathens (as Summer Finding), Ásatrú (as Sigrblót)
The northern hemisphere's vernal equinox, the word Ostara was introduced though Wicca and named for the goddess Eostre. Surprisingly unrelated to Easter in all but name, Ostara symbolises the beginning of spring. As a seasonal holiday it is widely celebrated by many different groups of pagans.
RAGNAR LODBROK'S DAY
28th March
Origins: Icelandic Sagas
Observed by: Ásatrú
Day of remembrance for Ragnar Lodbrok, Viking King of legend
APRIL
KALENDS/VENERALIA
1st April
Origins: Ancient Greece/Rome
Observed by: Hellenic/Roman polytheists
Celebration of the first of the month, this one honouring the goddess, Venus.
REMEMBRANCE FOR HAAKON SIGURDSSON
9th April
Origins: Norway, C9th
Observed by: Ásatrú
Day of remembrance for ruler of Norway who claimed lineage to Odin in the Icelandic Sagas.
WALPURGISNACHT
30th April
Origins: German Christianity, originally Saint Walpurga was known for banishing witches and other pests
Observed by: LaVeyan Satanists
Anton LaVey chose to celebrate this holiday as a follow up to the spring equinox and due to its past association with witchcraft.
HEXENNACHT (WITCHES' NIGHT)
30th April
Origins: German folklore, as Walpurgisnacht but witches were alleged to convene with the devil in this night
Observed by: Temple of Satan as 'a solemn holiday to honour those who were victimized by superstition'.
MAY
BEALTAINE/BELTANE
1st May
Origins: Celtic (Ireland/Scotland/Isle of Man)
Observed by: Wiccans, Neopagans, Celtic reconstructionist, Ásatrú/Heathens (as May Day)
One of the more well-known pagan festivals, Beltane is a festival of fire and the beginning of the summer. Also widely referred to as May Day, it is celebrated by lighting fires.
KALENDS
1st May
Origins: Ancient Greece/Rome
Observed by: Hellenic/Roman polytheists
Honouring the goddess Maia, for whom the month may have been named.
REMEMBRANCE FOR Guðröðr of Guðbrandsdál
9th May
Origins: C11 Norway, Icelandic Sagas
Observed by: Ásatrú, Norse, heathens
Guðröðr had his tongue removed by Óláfr for rebelling against violent conversion from Norse paganism to Christianity.
JUNE
KALENDS
1st June
Origins: Ancient Greece/Rome
Observed by: Hellenic/Roman polytheists
Anniversary of temples to Juno Moneta (protectress of money, her temple was where coins were made), Mars/Ares (God of war), and the Tempestates (goddesses of storms).
ARRHEPHORIA
3rd Skirophorion (translates to mid-June)
Origins: Ancient Greece
Observed by: Hellenic reconstructionist
Feast in celebration of Athena and fertility.
MIDSUMMER/SUMMER SOLSTICE
21st June
Origins: Agricultural holiday/longest day observed for centuries by many civilisations. Christianity can date to as early as C4th
Observed by: Wiccans/Germanic neopagans (as Litha), Asatru/Heathens, Druids (as Alban Hefin)
One of the main four holidays in the Wheel of the Year and popularised by Wiccans and neopagans as Litha which is taken from the Anglo-Saxon words for June/July, this is the longest day of the year and the middle point and sometimes considered the beginning of summer.
JULY
REMEMBRANCE FOR UNNR/AUD THE DEEP MINDED
9th July
Origins: C9th Iceland
Observed by: Ásatrú, Heathens, Norse reconstructionist
Aud was a traveller in the 9th century moving between Dublin, the Hebrides, Orkney, and finally Iceland following the deaths of her husband and son. This day is to honour her memory.
HERACLEIA
July/August
Origins: Ancient Greece
Observed by: Hellenic polytheists
Festival dedicated to Heracles the demigod and his death, involving feasting and celebration.
AUGUST
LUGHNASADH/LAMMAS
1st August
Origins: Celtic Britain (Ireland, Scotland, Isle of Man)
Observed by: Wiccans, Neopagans, Christians (as Lammas), Ásatrú (as Freyfaxi)
Named for the god Lugh, this festival is one of the Celtic harvest festivals and marks the beginning of the harvesting months. It was celebrated by climbing mountains, bull sacrifice, offerings, and feasting. Handfasting is commonplace with Wiccans in modern times.
REMEMBRANCE FOR REDBAD, KING OF THE FRISIANS
9th August
Origins: C7th Frisia (area of Germany/Netherlands)
SEPTEMBER
NOUMENIA
8th September
Origins: Ancient Greece
Observed by: Hellenic polytheists
Celebration of new Hellenic lunar month. Offerings of honey and incense made to household deities.
REMEMBRANCE FOR HERMANN THE CHERUSCAN
9th September
Origins: C9th CE
Observed by: Heathens, Ásatrú
Hermann the Cheruscan, also known as Arminius of the Cherusci tribe, led the defeat against the Romans at the Battle of Teutoburg Forest and is lauded for saving Eastern Germanic peoples from being conquered by the Roman Empire.
AUTUMN EQUINOX (NORTHERN HEMISPHERE)
22nd September
Origins: 1970s neopaganism
Observed by: Wiccans and Neopagans (as Mabon), Ásatrú (as Winter Finding)
Named Mabon by prominent Wicca and Neopagan Aidan Kelly, after the Welsh mythological figure Mabon ap Moldron, the autumn equinox is one of the harvest festivals and marks the beginning of autumn in the northern hemisphere. Mabon is a relatively new pagan holiday not based on any specific historical festival, but traditionally people around the world would celebrate some kind of harvest festival around the end of September/beginning of October.
OCTOBER
PYANOPSIA
7th October
Origins: Ancient Greece
Observed by: Hellenic polytheists
Pyanopsia, or Pyanepsia, is a festival to honour Apollo, one of the most important deities, God of music, the sun, knowledge, healing, and archery - amongst other things. During the festival, two special offerings would be placed on doorways and carried to the temple. These offerings were a bean stew, and an olive branch wrapped in wool with honeys, pastries and seasonal fruits hanging from it.
REMEMBRANCE FOR LEIF EIRIKSSON
9th October
Origins: C10th CE
Observed by: Heathens, Ásatrú, Norse pagans
Remembrance for Leif and his sister Freydís Eiríksdóttir, children of Erik the Red, who are cited with being the first Norse explorers in North America.
THESMOPHORIA
12th-14th October
Origins: Ancient Greece
Observed by: Hellenic polytheists
Festival held in honour of Demeter Thesmophoros, goddess of agriculture, and her daughter Persephone, goddess of death and life, Queen of the Underworld. Celebrated primarily by women, this festival is linked with fertility, and we know very little about it due to its secretive rites. It is thought that it involved the sacrifice of pigs (although some sources say women), and abstinence.
REMEMBRANCE FOR ERIK THE RED
28th October
Origins: C9th CE
Observed by: Heathens, Ásatrú, Norse pagans
Erik the Red, probably named for the colour of his hair and beard, was the first permanent European settler in Greenland. His children were explorers too, who went to America, and although his wife converted to Christianity, Erik remained faithful to his Norse pagan gods.
SAMHAIN (HALLOWE'EN)
31st October-1st November
Origins: Gaelic - Scotland, Ireland, Isle of Man
Observed by: Celtic pagans, Neopagans, Wiccans
Pronounced SOW-in (sow rhyming with cow), Samhain was originally a harvest festival marking the beginning of winter. The day itself is the 1st November, but celebrations begin on October 31st, and this has become the accepted associated day. It's a festival of the dead, where the síthe, fae and spirits, can enter this realm from their own. Wiccans talk of a 'veil' thinning, meaning the boundary between worlds. Similar death related festivals around this time can be noted in other faiths from across the globe, and of course in the modern Hallowe'en.
WINTER NIGHTS (VETRNAETR), ÁLFABLÓT/DÍSABLÓT
31st October
Origins:
Celebrated by: Heathens, Ásatrú, Norse pagans
Winter Nights is mentioned in the Ynglinga Saga as one of the three greatest blessings of the year, the other two being Sigrblót in April, and þorrablót in late Jan/early Feb. Winter Nights is the celebration of the beginning of the winter season; Álfablót is a sacrifice to the elves, and Dísablót a sacrifice to the female spirits (dísir) and Valkyries.
NOVEMBER
REMEMBRANCE FOR SIGRID THE HAUGHTY
9th November
Origins: C9th CE
Observed by: Heathens, Ásatrú, Norse pagans
It is not actually known whether Sigrid Storråda, or Sigrid the Haughty, was an actual historical figure, an amalgamation of a few, or simply a myth. The lore goes that she was proposed to multiple times and turned down many but went on to orchestrate conflict when a potential suitor - Olaf Tryggvason, King of Norway - attempted to convert her to Christianity.
DECEMBER
REMEMBRANCE FOR EGILL SKALLAGRÍMSSON
9th December
Origins: C10th CE
Observed by: Heathens, Ásatrú, Norse pagans
Day celebrating the poet, farmer, and berserker Egill Skallagrímsson, who is recalled in The Icelandic Sagas by Snorri Sturluson. Egill is known for his many killings and escaping death by writing an epic poem after being captured when washing up on our Northumberland coastline.
SATURNALIA
17th - 23rd December
Origins: Ancient Rome
Observed by: Roman polytheists, some Hellenic
Like Yule and Lesser Dionysia, Saturnalia was the Roman winter festival celebrating the coming return of the sun and honouring the god Saturn. The standard feasting and drinking feature, and slaves would be treated as equals like Dionysia. Saturnalia is another festival cited as being picked up by Christians and used as inspiration for Christmas.
WINTER SOLSTICE (YULE/MIDWINTER)
21st December
Origins: Germanic nations, as early as C4th CE
Observed by: Norse pagans, Wiccans, Neopagans, LaVeyan Satanists, Ásatrú, Heathens, many Germanic nonpagan peoples
Yule is the midwinter festival known commonly among pagans as a time for feasting, being with loved ones, remembering ancestors, and looking forward to the return of the light and warmer days. Many pagans will celebrate Yule for more than one day, some celebrating a week either side, some for longer, up to two months, and some for twelve days afterwards. True Yule would have originally been in January for midwinter, but King Haakon the Good
moved it to coincide with the Christian celebrations in the 10th century, as told in the Ynglinga Saga.
On the 24th of December, Anglo Saxons are said to have celebrated 'Mothers Night' honouring female ancestors.
RURAL/LESSER DIONYSIA
End of December/beginning of January
Origins: Ancient Greece
Observed by: Hellenic polytheists
Smaller festival honouring the god Dionysus (Greater Dionysia took place in cities at the end of winter). Feasting, mask wearing to stop distinction between classes so that everyone could feel equal, sacrifices, parades, and phallic display were all used to celebrate.
#wheel of the year#wiccan#pagan#heathen#greek#mythology#holidays#religious holidays#pagan holidays#non-Abrahamic holidays#witch#witchcraft#witchblr#pagan wicca#polytheism#paganism#witches#witch holidays#witches holidays#pagan witch
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MARSIAN ENERGY
🔳So the last post we focused on divine feminine energy, Venusian energy. Adoring the delicate and light side of our sister planet, Venus. Today's post will focus on the yang to Venuses yin, Mars. The red, fiery and frisk planet of our solar system.
🔳In ancient Rome Mars was said to be the God of War and represented the military power as a way to bring prosperity and peace in Rome. He is also the father to the notorious Romolus and Remus, the founders of the great city of Rome. It is believed that when war would hit Rome, the proud father Mars would help the military win over.
🔳In the astrology world Mars is the depiction of masculine energy, just like how Venus is for feminine energy. They both represent this youthful power of the two genders. Being also close to the Sun, Marsian energy is organic, primal if you will. There isn't a lot what happens behind closed doors, no mystery to be explored. Mars represents this ongoing life energy, competition, agression, assertiveness, our sex drive, actions and desires. Mars is what keeps us going and gives us courage to keep going.
🔳Of course it's master is Aries, the cardinal fire sign. Aries is the sign who brings back spring into our hearts after a long and cold winter. It takes a lot of effort waking every creature from it's hibernation period, so there really has to be a lot of drive and determination. Aries is also depicted as the Ram of the zodiac. This animal is known to live in flocks, always having a leader. The leader takes good care of the group, even fighting to death for it's territory. The Ram is known for it's power, exerting 800 pounds from just a simple headbutt. So of course Aries will firstly be described as "heads on first".
🔳Aries is also known as the baby of the zodiac, since he is first on the list. This meaning he has alot of wisdom and knowledge to acquire. These fire babies do not like being told what/how to do something and in that they can hurt themselves the most. Aries is also the sign of passion and motivation, confidence and bluntness, optimism and drive. They are naturally ambitious and love to take charge of the situation even though not knowing much ahead. Even though they love to be in charge, every Aries always has that moment where they question themselves are they truly doing good, but nevertheless they still keep going. They adore being loud, friendly, spontaneous, passionate and above all adventurous. If you ever want to go on a fun trip, get yourself an Aries to hang around. These Rams light up the room with their witty humor and charisma, wanting to befriend all. Aries really is the extrovert of all the signs, that's for sure.But they do get a bad reputation for being overly aggressive and explosive. Aries has a long way to go, patience really can be a friend to them, but they despise it. Their impulsive manner can cause damage quite rapidly in their life.
🔳The biggest lesson I want every Aries to learn is to dive deep into the emotion of fury. Fury is a wild anger most Aries are known for, but they use it sometimes in the wrong way. This emotion is a sacred emotion, known to break worlds apart. So when used wisely, at the right time and the right place it can cause a good outcome. Other than fury, Aries needs to learn to be less selfish in ways where their hobbies, activities, friends or family come first. Be sure toask questions, learn from others and your own mistakes, journal and write down everything. I know it can be hard staying at home, not wondering all over the place, but make sure to have one reflection day for a better you, Aries. A lot of the time people will describe you as an only angry, kaotic, selfish and annoying sign but will forget to see the passion, loyalty, openness and friendliness of your sign because the bad can sometimes overshadow the good.
🔳The other sign that was traditionally ruled by Mars was our dear mysterious Scorpio. Now why would astrologers brand a watery sign such as Scorpio to be ruled by the firey planet Mars? Even though we can say that Scorpios are very similar to water signs because of their strong emotional intelligence and psychic, "sixth" sense abilities Scorpio also derives a lot of caracteristics from his ancient ruler, Mars. Scorpio is also a passionate leader, who will win you over with their charisma and dedication. They are very direct with whom they trust, passionate with their lovers and outstandingly loyal to their family. Scorpios are not afraid to take action just like Aries but they do it in a calmer, more thought threw manner unlike our baby Aries. The caracteristic both Aries and Scorpio hold are their courage. Courage for change, action and their belief system. But nevertheless they are very different, since Scorpio is also ruled by Pluto. The planet of the underground and death.
🔳Mars can also have destructive tendecies when positioned in the wrong house/sign. Mars in traditional astrology is considered a MALEFIC planet. Meaning it can govern unfavorable influence in an individuals chart.
🔳If in a fall or detriment it can also bring some confusion to the table. Mars is how we express ourselves and how we approach day to day situations. As said above it is our natural energy of "doing", so when put in a house or sign where Mars feels homesick it can sometimes be challenging. This does not mean the end of the world...it means you have to find the wisdom and courage to light your Mars up, even if it doesn't come naturally. But do have in mind to pick your fights wisely. Do not exhaust your self and take away your integrity and peace. That's the lesson every Marsian native should have in mind.
Let's get into some of my observations for our Marsian individuals, shall we!
🔘 Aries rising are so hot and funny and they absolutely know it! They seem very open and kind to the public. A good sense of style aswell.
🔘 Aries moons are a lot in my perspective. If handled well this placement can be very idealistic, passionate, quick and energetic...but they can be very short tempered and loss interest fast if not kept active and interested. They love a good rant with others and love to see their partner or friend laugh and explore with them. Very driven and very blunt.
🔘 Aries mercury are very quick on their tongue, of course. They can be very good writers in my perspective. Autobiography is calling for a Aries mercury. They are very direct with their words and don't think a lot before speaking.
🔘 Aries in the first house can be an amazing placement or a complex one. If a planet such as Saturn is placed here it can bring a lot of self reflection and problems with insecurity. It can also feel as if you want to take action for yourself, but are afraid to.
🔘 Aries venus I've wrote in the Venusian post, but I'll write it again here shortly. Aries venus fall in love very fast, love primal energetic sex and can come off as "vanilla", but that doesn't mean it's bad just very straight to the point. They are also lovers of any head fondling and scratching, kisses around the neck and ears and they love their lovers to be vocal and not shy!
🔘 Mars in the 7th house need to be in charge, they don't want their partner telling them how/what to do. They also might get married later in life. The assert their needs and wishes within the relationship with ease, if not in a air/water sign. They really need to learn compromise and to not act out at every inconviennce.
🔘 Mars in the 9th house can be either go getters in school/collage or the procrastinator. They also love traveling all the time. I've met a few who change their address every once and awhile or love backpacking!
🔘 Mars in the 12th house can repress their natural instincts a lot of the time. Very secretive about their actions and can have some issues with repressed emotions aswell. It can also attract the wrong people, even violent people. Solitude can be difficult at times for these natives.
🔘 Aries in the 11th house is a very loyal friend to have around. They are extreme extroverts and people pleasers. Not a very peaceful social life. They love to party, get to know new people and don't have a difficult time getting to know others.
🔘 Aries in the 4th house need a good family where they can speak and act freely. They are very hands on with their family. Love to take their family on trips. They will go to the end to defend their family.
🔘 Mars square Venus can be a tricky aspect. It means challenges in balancing your soft side and masculine side. It can bring a lot of anger and hate into a relationship. The lesson here to learn is to communicate deeply your deepest emotions with loved ones, not to just turn your head the other way. This can also mean you have very very high standards in relationships and partners often times can't fulfill your expectations. It also creates a lot of frustration and passive aggressiveness in relationships. The goal is to work though the tough times and not want everything to be picture perfect.
🔘 Mars dominant people are in my perspective people that you can smell miles away. They are so sure of themselves, always competing, also doing some sort of sports or activities, always speak up in school or in friendly surroundings, always on the hunt for new things and new people. I also see this in Sun, Pluto and Moon dominant people, they are really easy to spot!
🔘 Mars square Jupiter individuals have a lot of enthusiasm and energy, if not handled well they can become very tired and needy. I've met a few people how have problems with insomnia with this placement because they cannot figure out how to deal with all this energy.
🔘 I've also met a few Aries sun with Capricorn moons that are really into stripping. They know their clients love them and they love the money they get from it!
🔘 Aries sun men have a very fragile ego along with Leo, Gemini and Libra men. They get very mad if you put your cards on the table and want something more in the partnership. Don't you dare interfere with their independence and free spirit lifestyle. I've also noticed Aries men love dogs and when they get there's it's always some high energy dog like a husky, border collie, dogo argentino etc.. Not big cat lovers.
🔘 Chiron in Aries can mean a lot of shame in the individuals life. They've felt very worthless in a past life and feel like they are incompatible of leading or being up front. They also felt like they couldn't be themselves and had to be the chameleon of the group a lot of the times.
🔘 Mars is Cancer is the death of me, if we're being honest. For the girls I haven't really seen big problems other than people taking advantage of them and not giving them the chance to glow. For the guys it's so destructive, they are so sneaky and manipulative at times and never say how they feel. They can become quite aggressive and emotionally abusive. But if handled well, they can be the most laid back fellas ever...I've never seen that to be honest, the only one's I've ever seen are the one's that feel very left out of the male group so they act in violence to show domination and security. The guys can feel like the have been neutered and are not enough of a man. But in reality they are made to hang out with the girls and just chill, there's no shame in that.
#astrology observations#aries rising#aries sun#aries venus#aries moon#mars planet#marsian#masculine#scorpio#astrology#zodiac#astro placements#astro posts#natal aspects#natal#natal chart
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Lay All Your Love On Me
Chapter 1- Trust Fund Baby
Josh Kiszka x Reader
Word Count: 2,257 (Short one, sorry guys)
AN: Hi everyone! Here is the first chapter of Lay All Your Love On Me from me and @mar-rein12! We hope you enjoy and please leave comments or feedback, we want to learn on what we can do better. This is a short one so prepare for more chapters soon!
Warnings: 18+, Angst, Flirting, Cursing, Degrading, NO smut yet... be prepared for the near future though.
Late March 2023- Spring Semester- Junior Year
“Okay let's run that scene one more time. We're gonna pick up with y/n’s first verse and continue through it. And please, more passionate guys give me some emotion. And 5, 6, 7, 8…”
The instrumental begins to play and you prepare yourself for the worst scene with the most insufferable guy you’ve ever met, Josh Kiszka. You get uncomfortably close to him, getting ready for one of the more enjoyable parts, pushing him into the artificial rock wall. He takes an extra step towards you, closing the gap even more. You push him hard and begin to sing and Josh gives you a cocky ass grin as he props his body up against the wall, watching you intently as you walk towards him. He’s disgusting.
You reach up to grab his face. Slowly, but painfully, you drag your hands down his chest not being able to ignore his toned body beneath his thin, white shirt. Without a doubt, your disgusted look was written all over your face and was easily recognized.
“CUTTTT. Stop the music.” Dr. Coleman, the director shouts, slamming her papers onto the table in front of her.
The music stops and Josh lets out a frustrated groan and both of you turn to Coleman who is furiously walking towards the stage, flailing her arms.
“What the hell was that? Sky and Sophie are madly in love, you both look like you're about to throw up on each other. We have been working on this since February and you guys still can’t get your shit together.” She slams her hands on the stage looking up to the two of you.
You look to Josh to get a read on him, seeing if he agrees or not on what Dr. Coleman just said. Turning to him, inconspicuously, you see a look of annoyance.
Since freshman year Josh has always thought he was the best thing since sliced bread. He thinks he should either have the lead role, or that the other actors around him weren’t good enough to work “alongside him.” And that may lead back to the fact that his daddy gives a generous deposit to the music department at the University of Michigan every year for the musicals. Josh has always been told that he's been the most talented man anyone has ever seen, by directors, family, and many others. But to you, he was just an egotistical, trust fund baby.
“I don't even want to see the crawl, something needs to be figured out here before we move on next week. There is no chemistry or love, I'm not buying a bit of it. We're done for the day, rest up for next week everyone.”
As everyone begins to clear out Josh looks at you and furrows his eyebrows, “Yeah mama, why don’t you love me?” His hands clutching his heart. “Show me some love y/n.” A shit-eating grin plastered across his face.
“Fuck you.” You mutter under your breath as you walk away from him.
“I know you want to.” You hear from across the stage while grabbing your stuff. Without looking, you knew his body would show he was enjoying the moment way too much. Cocky little shit.
“Y/n, get back here. Rehearsal is not over yet for you two,” The director motions to Josh. “We have a long weekend since everyone is off on Monday, so you two NEED to build a connection with each other, hangout or something, or else someone is losing their part.” She says sternly and begins to walk away leaving you two to talk it over.
“... Its not gonna fucking be me, so you better start lovin’ on me, y/n.” Josh whispers, feeling his warm breath against your ear.
“In your dreams, Kiszka.” Rolling your eyes towards him, grabbing your bag and leaving before this situation could get any worse.
As you walk back to your dorm late that night, you prepare to be interrogated by your curious roommate, Charlotte. Putting in the pin to your dorm you walk into the shared living space and see Charlotte working on her English paper that she, of course, pushed off until the last minute.
“Procrastinating again I see?” You joke as you put your backpack near the door.
“Of course, what else would I be doing? But now I have an excuse to stop because I need to know the tea. How was the rehearsal?” She says shutting her laptop and turning herself to you on the couch.
You debated lying to her and just saying it was good and move on, but you needed to rant.
“Pretty awful actually. I’m being threatened that my role might be given to someone else.” You flop onto the couch next to her.
“What! Why? I thought you were perfect as Sophie?”
“I am.” You try not to sound cocky. “But my ‘love interest’ and I don't seem to have the connection the director is looking for.”
“Josh Kiszka?” She says with a smirk.
You roll your eyes, knowing what's about to happen.
“But he's sooo hot, how could you not be attracted to him? I’d kill to be in your position right now.”
You weren’t going to lie. He was a very attractive man, but he's so stuck up.
“He’s such a dickhead, Charlotte. He's too cocky for his own good. And I know that if the chemistry isn’t there it'll be my part taken away, not his, since his dad practically buys his parts for him.”
“So what are you going to do?”
“The director wants us to get to know each other and form some type of ‘connection’ but I don’t see that working out.” You scoff.
There is a moment of silence before it is broken by Charlotte's horrifying idea.
“You guys could fuck, break the tension a little, you know?” She says elbowing you in the side.
“WHAT, no fucking way. I don’t want to even kiss him in scenes, let alone fuck him.” You think about the idea and have to physically stop yourself from gagging. You cringe, as a shiver travels down your spine.
“Well I would gratefully take the part from you to get a little Josh action, or from any of the Kiszkas.” She giggles.
You begin to think about it and a pang of jealousy washes over you. You didn’t know why, but you didn’t like the feeling.
“I’ll figure it out, I might have to be the bigger person and reach out to him over the weekend.”
You grab your bag, dropping it off in your room and walk to your bathroom, needing to cleanse yourself of the negative energy from tonight. As you begin to take off your clothing, you think about what Josh would look like without his shirt on during the actual performance.
It's one thing to feel what's underneath, but seeing it is another. Subconsciously, you get a shiver all over your body, hardening your nipples. What is going on? You never thought about him like this. Maybe because you really never thought about him much at all?
Freshman and Sophomore year had been a breeze, only having to play side characters, but this is your first main role as Sophie.
When Coleman came to you before winter break and told you about the spring musical that would be put together by her with her ‘best students’ you got excited. You were happy to be considered one of her best. You studied that movie and musical all until the last moment before auditions that were held a week before winter break was over. They were very small due to the limited people chosen to get a chance at a role. You and Sophia ‘Bitch’ Michaels, or that's at least what everyone in the theater department liked to call her, were trying out for Sophie. When the cast list was posted on the department's website, you were ecstatic. But some weren’t. You got many threats from Sophia that night, but that was shortly followed by you blocking her number.
Not having many roles in romantic plays you were inexperienced, but in real life, it was no problem. Most weekends, you often wake up to new, unfamiliar faces in random beds, but it wasn’t any secret. You wanted to have fun in college and get experience with lots of people, and didn’t mind that people knew.
You wondered if Josh knew. But why should you care? You never cared if anyone else knew, so he's no different. You hop into the shower, having many thoughts about the night and what would happen in the future. As you finish rinsing the soap off your body, you wrap yourself and hair in a towel. You step out from the shower and scurry back into your room.
Your room showcased you perfectly. Many posters of your favorite musicals and some dance awards you earned throughout highschool. You connect your speaker to your phone and play some music quietly to not disturb Charlotte from her work. As you close out of Spotify you look to see one notification on messages.
11:12pm Josh: So do you want to figure this out or do you want me to text Coleman now and start looking for a new lead, or do you want to do that yourself?
11:16pm y/n: Simmer down Josh. It's not my problem, I have to work with a pretentious piece of shit! 🙂
11:18pm Josh: Someone seems to be bratty this time of night.
11:19pm y/n: Did you text just to be an ass or did you actually have something important to say?
11:22pm Josh: Well I was going to see what you wanted to do about this so we don’t have to find someone new for your part.
You scoff at the fact that he's so confident that it would be you getting booted.
11:24pm y/n: Oh so you don’t want me gone, is that so?
11:27pm Josh: I just don't want to have to learn how to work with some new moron that doesn’t know how to act for shit.
11:28pm y/n: Aw so cute Josh, you admitted I can act 😘
11:30pm Josh: Don't get a big head y/n. So what do you want to do?
You sat there and thought about it for a moment, and it always went back to Charlotte's comment earlier.
“You guys could just fuck, break the tension a little you know?”
11:39pm y/n: Do you wanna go out or something? We can go to that bagel place down on the main street, their everything bagels with lox are so good.
11:41pm Josh: That's so cute y/n, you wanna go on a date with me? 😏
11:44pm y/n: Well do you have a better idea?
11:48pm Josh: You can come to my place, work on some stuff. We can watch the movie so you can see what real passion and love looks like, seeing that you’re the ‘campus slut.’
God he's awful, but this role is important to you.
11:51pm y/n: Jealous that you don’t get any Josh? Are you pussy deprived?
11:57pm Josh: So when do you want me to send the text to Coleman? Now or do I wait til tomorrow?
11:58pm y/n: Fine, when do you wanna do it?
12:01am Josh: Tomorrow at 8. I live in the apartments next to the dining hall, apartment 322. My brother will be gone at band practice, so we will have the place to ourselves.
12:03am y/n: Okay, and how long will he be at ‘band practice’ for?
12:04am Josh: Well his BAND PRACTICE is from 8-10, and then he’s staying at his friend, Scotts, apartment for the night to work on some music or something.
12:06am y/n: Was that orchestrated by you?
12:07am Josh: I’ll see you tomorrow at 8, goodnight.
As you stare at your phone, you are in disbelief at the conversation you two just had. There was tension, and not the kind you had expected. As you sit in your towel, you're brought back to reality when you realize Heartbeat by Childish Gambino is playing.
“I might just text you”
You thought over how he was making you think and feel…
“Turn your phone over”
Things you didn’t want to feel from him…
“When it's all over”
You had a feeling of desire…
“No settling down,”
A feeling of wanting to be desired…
“My text go to your screen”
Specifically…
“You know better than that”
From Josh Kiszka.
“I come around when you least expect me. I’m sitting at…”
You quickly shut out of Spotify knowing that was your sign that you were done for the night. You change out of your towel and into your Michigan T-shirt and plaid PJ pants.
You walk out to see if Charlotte had retreated to her room or was still working on her paper to share what had just happened.
“You still working, Char?”
“I think I’m done for the night, I’ll take the points off for not having citations.” She laughs while closing her laptop. “ Did you reach out to Josh?”
“No…no not yet. We’ll see what happens tomorrow, I guess.. Good night Char.”
“Night y/n.”
With that you tuck yourself into bed with one thought only, Josh Kiszka.
#gvf smut#greta van fic#greta van fleet fan fiction#greta van smut#gvf fic#josh kiskza fanfic#josh kiskza smut#josh kiszka x reader#josh gvf#josh kiszka#gvf
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INTRODUCING... THE HURT SONG SERIES !
— note ! each of these fics have a song that have inspired them. this series is in random order; meaning that the masterlist is in order of fic release but the member will remain unknown until the story has come out. have fun & bring tissues - you might need them.
warnings of each fic along with pairings will be added when the fics are released (extra suspense!).
click “keep reading” to check out the fics planned & send an ask to be added on the taglist for each story!
➤ CUPIDS MISTAKE. CLICK HERE TO READ.
♫ crybaby by the neighbourhood.
playboy!enha x reader, slight enemies to lovers au, angst & fluff.
synopsis ! you’ve never understood why he gets so many dates all the time, he’s bloody insufferable. you can’t stand him at all, yet everyone else is crazy for him. i guess, you’ll find out what’s so irresistible about himself, soon. after all, he’s already planning your valentines date together.
➤ ANAGEPSIS. CLICK HERE TO READ.
♫ cologne by beabadoobee.
stranger!enha x reader, strangers to lovers au, angst & fluff.
synopsis ! working at a perfume shop certainly had it’s perks but none of them were as remarkable as meeting him that one late afternoon just before closing time. that day led to flirtatious conversations at least three times a week, to dates around the city and to packing your bags three years later.
estimated release date — unknown.
➤ FIRST LOVE SCAR. CLICK HERE TO READ.
♫ first love/late spring by mitski.
classmate!enha x reader, high school au, fluff & angst.
synopsis ! the first love is always the most memorable, along with being the least expected. the butterflies as soon as you wake up, stealing glances at one another during shared classes, timidness coursing through your veins when talking to one another. but does it always last?
estimated release — unknown.
➤ DEATH KISS. CLICK HERE TO READ.
♫ born to die by lana del ray.
popular!enha member x reader, apocalypse au, mainly angst
synopsis ! it was easy to be head over heels for the schools heartthrob. the difficult part, however, was gaining his attention, especially with the tons of other people who seemed to be better suited for him. who would have thought the outbreak of a zombie apocalypse would bring you two together?
estimated release — unknown.
➤ ARRANGED APART. CLICK HERE TO READ.
♫ moonlight by chase atlantic.
prince!enha member x royal!reader, royal au, angst and fluff
synopsis ! you’re both from families of power and wealth, ruling the country comes with great responsibility. it also comes with the feeling of being alone but when you two meet; it’s as if there’s no one else in the world apart from you two. even countries can’t come between your love for one another.
estimated release — unknown.
➤ ONE LAST DANCE. CLICK HERE TO READ.
♫ one last time by ariana grande
demon!enha x reader, demon love au, fluff & angst.
synopsis ! from all the horror films you’ve watched, you expected demons to be scary rather than have the sweetest looking smile you’ve ever seen along with becoming your only companion. that is, until he has to leave your side next to join the devil once more.
estimated release — unknown.
➤ THE VOID OF LOVE. CLICK HERE TO READ.
♫ grenade by bruno mars & the only exception by paramore
mafia!enhypen member x reader, mafia to lovers au, fluff & angst
synopsis ! he’s never been swayed by love. with his ruthless job, there’s never been time to fall in love nor does he want to. but they say that love comes when you least expect it. and, boy did it hit him like a bullet in the chest
estimated release — unknown.
#enhypen#enhypen series#enhypen fluff#enhypen angst#enha fanfiction#enhypen imagines#enhypen scenarios#enhypen x reader#lee heeseung#heeseung imagines#jay park#jay imagines#jake sim#jake imagines#park sunghoon#sunghoon imagines#kim sunoo#sunoo imagines#yang jungwon#jungwon imagines#nishimura riki#niki imagines#heeseung x reader#jungwon x reader#sunghoon x reader#jake x reader#jay x reader#niki x reader#sunoo x reader#enhypen heeseung
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What are the ROS + Luka and family favourite colours and seasons??
Oohhh 👀 Good questions and a fun one to answer!
Ash
Favorite colors: Black and Red
Favorite season: Winter!
Because they can use the excuse of helping MC warm up to hold their hands 😳🤭 And also, they have a lot of fond memories of staying the nights over with MC, drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies Viktor baked, and also celebrating Christmas with MC and Viktor, and their Mom and Luka as well. Even if they always stressed out on what to give MC every year 😆
Rin
Favorite colors: White, Gold, Silver
Favorite season: Spring!
Not too cold and not too hot, plus they have beautiful memories and love going to Spring Festivals in Japan with their mom, dad, and little siblings (plus the seasonal food there but they won’t admit it outright 😆)
Santana
Favorite colors: Beige, White, Brown (maybe?) They usually don’t really care that much about colors in general.
Favorite season: Summer.
It’s the time for them to visit and spend some time with his family, going to the beach and just hang out with them. And it’s the only season they’ll use their accumulated vacation time on, exactly for that purpose.
Skylar
Favorite colors: Blue, White, Gold (and other colors as well, but those three are their main ones 😆)
Favorite season: Fall.
They really love how the leaves turn yellow and orange, how they drift down to the ground quietly, and how the dried leaves crunch under their feet. Also, they sometimes love to fly over wooded areas a bit during the Fall to see the spectacular view from above.
Luka
Favorite colors: Black (obviously 🤭) and Grey
Favorite season: Fall.
He used to love how muted the sky can be during Fall and the rainy days and how cozy it is to just stay at home, warm and see out of the window. It’s peaceful and quiet for him. But ever since that fateful night, he finds himself not being able to enjoy the season as much anymore, as it is marred by the memory of his brother’s death…
#asks#anon ask#char: info#full cast ros#ro: ash#ro: rin#ro: santana#ro: skylar#char: luka#if: vendetta#vendetta if#if vendetta#if game#if wip#dashingdon#choicescript#hosted games#choice of games#interactive fiction#interactive novel#interactive story#interactive games
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☆*:.masterlist.:*☆
Welcome to my masterlist! I try to update it asap, but lmk if I miss something! If you prefer ao3, click here. masterlist below the cut.
NETWORKS: @k-labels @ateezlovenet @kflixnet @cromernet
DISCLAIMER:
Work with mature themes, NSFW, 18+ or triggering content SHOULD NOT BE INTERACTED WITH BY MINORS. If you see tags related to such themes and are a minor or do not feel comfortable, DNI!
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[f] fluff || [s] smut || [a] angst || [sugg] suggestive || [tw] trigger warnings ||
[misc] miscellaneous || [hc] headcanons
ot8 series and headcanons
your fan, _____ [f] [sugg] - series with separate ml
bf!ateez when you are working from home [f] [s]
ateez as signs of love (relationship hcs) [f]
kim hongjoong
the chemistry of christmas [f] [sugg] (ao3)
motivate me [s] (ao3)
rewind and remix [a] a little bit of [f]
avaritia [s]
feverish [f] [misc]
in the rain [f]
hand hug [f]
park seonghwa
after hours on christmas eve [f] (ao3)
feels like home (part 1) (part 2) [f] [sugg] [a] (ao3)
family for hire (series - separate ml) [f] [sugg] [misc]
long exposure [s] [a] [misc] ft. wooyoung
in memoriam [a] [s]
bang bang [s] [misc] -> mafia!au
love was spring [f] [slight a]
making wishes [s] [f] ft. wooyoung
this world [f] [s] [misc] -> biker!au
take me back [s] [f] [slight a] -> biker!au
cat named mars [f] [hc] -> catboy!hwa
bonnie on the side [s] [a]
essence [f]
timezone [f] [slight a]
page me [f] [festive fic!]
impressionism [f] [misc]
with you [f] [misc] [a]
both [s] [f]
feel alive [f] [a] [misc]
panacea [f] [misc]
dawn [s] [misc]
jeong yunho
come fly with me [f] [slight a] [misc]
all of me [f]
the meaning of 'jeong' [f] [a] [misc]
like the cherry blossom falls [f]
guy.exe [f]
kang yeosang:
curiosity [tw] [misc]
sangshine [f] [misc]
song mingi:
use me [s] [a] (ao3)
use me part 2 [s] [a] [f]
one new message [a]
burning [f] [misc]
choi san:
wilting to bloom [a]
safe and san [s] [f]
golden hour [s] [f]
jung wooyoung:
grilled cheese philosophy [a] [tw] [misc]
long exposure [s] [a] [misc] ft. seonghwa
making wishes [s] [f] ft. seonghwa
choi jongho:
cliche [f]
#ateez#ateez fanfic#ateez hongjoong#ateez seonghwa#ateez yunho#ateez mingi#ateez wooyoung#ateez san#ateez yeosang#ateez jongho#seonghwa#hongjoong#jongho#wooyoung#yeosang#mingi#ateez au#ateez imagines#yunho#san#ateez x reader#ateez scenarios#hwaightme#hm/writing
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2024 Wheel of the Year (Sabbats)
Pagan Wheel
Feb 2 – IMBOLC (also called Candlemas, Imbolg, and Saint Brigid’s Day) It is midway between the Winter Solstice and Spring Equinox. This sabbat reminds us that the light is growing stronger and that the harshness of winter will start to fade. To celebrate the growing light, many Pagans will light candles on this holiday.
Mar 19 – OSTARA /Spring Equinox: light and darkness are in perfect balance on this day. Moving forward, daylight will continue to grow as we head into Spring. It is a time to celebrate balance and the arrival of Spring. It represents new beginnings and the freshness of a new day. What’s past is in the past and past and it’s time to move forward.
May 1 – BELTANE (also known as May Day) (pronounced BELL-tain) This is an exciting and energetic holiday that celebrates sexuality, fertility, and all of the life that comes with Spring. It is a time of great joy and celebration! Feel the creative energy of the Universe. It is a time of renewal and rebirth … a time to grow as a person and reinvent yourself if you so desire.
June 20 – LITHA / Summer Solstice The Sun is at its maximum strength … it is the longest day of the year. This is a season of growth, fruitfulness, abundance, and strength. It’s a great night to perform spells for money, abundance, and financial security … and the strength to do what you need to do to be successful.
June 23 – Midsummer’s Eve: the night before Mid-Summer (June 24). It is considered a night of potent magick. Many Witches will be performing rituals and casting spells on this night. It is also a night when fairies roam the land. If you work with the fairy realm, this is an important night for you!
Aug 1 – LAMMAS (also known as Lughnassadh) the first harvest festival. It celebrates the first grains harvested for baking bread. Celebrate by baking or buying a loaf of bread and sharing it as a celebration.
Sept 22 – MABON / Fall Equinox: the light and darkness are in balance on this day. But it marks the change from the light half of the year to the dark half of the year. Moving forward the darkness will grow longer and the daylight will grow shorter. It is a celebration of the second harvest festival and is celebrated by feasting and visiting with family and friends.
Oct 31 – SAMHAIN (pronounced SAH-win) (as known as Halloween) This is the Witches’ New Year! The veil between worlds is thinnest and the dead are thought to return and visit. It is a night to communicate with the spirits, spirit guides, and ancestors. It is also a night to work with Tarot cards and Crystal Balls!
Samhain is also a time when we come to terms with death and are openly encouraged to let go of our fears of it. It is a time when we acknowledge the hard moments of life that we usually don’t think or talk about. If there are things we need to let go of, Samhain is a good time to release them!
Dec 21 – YULE / Winter Solstice: The real reason that this time of year was celebrated .. before christianity existed. We are halfway through the dark part of the year. The darkness is at its peak…moving forward the light begins to grow stronger and days become longer. You can see why the newly formed cult of christianity, which is what it was at the time, choose this time of year for the birth of christ…the light grows strong and brighter…the Sun is reborn. Yule traditions include burning a Yule log, kissing under mistletoe, and placing an evergreen tree in your home to represent the sustaining of life during the winter.
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