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thekingofwinterblog · 3 years

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It’s all for his sake - Endeavor and the Sunk Cost Fallacy

My hero academia 301 is a pretty interesting chapter, but for me, the most notable piece of it was how Endeavour reacted to the realization that Touya couldnt surpass All Might.

upon realizing that his son might not be able to do it because of inborn physical limitations, he immediatly stopped his training, which frankly was the responsible and adult thing to do.

This stint of real parenthood did not last long however.

After taking the matter to a doctor, he is flat out told that not only cant Touya achive what endeavor wants, but it is a direct result of his incredibly selfish and irresponsible attempt to play god, by trying to breed the “perfect” hero into being.

It is how you react when you lose however, that shows who you really are, and endeavor illustrates that very, very well.

Upon being told in no uncertain terms that his attempts at Breeding an heir failed magnificently, producing a child that was not capable of resisting his own immense power, but also admonished by his doctor for even attempting it, and adviced not to try again, Endeavor instead doubled down, while focusing on the child he screwed over from the start with his attempt at genetic manipulation.

It was all for him you see. Endeavor doesnt use those words, but that is how he spins it here. it was all for Touya, all for his sake. if i stop now, then Touya was all for nothing, a mistake, im doing this for my son.

if im doing this for my son, then im not responsible for any of this.

his wife however, calls him out on it, as she understands Touya much, much more than endeavor does. or rather, she sees him fully as a human being, instead of as a thing, a weapon, a failed attempt at an heir.

Unlike Endeavor, Rei is able to see the way this all is affecting her son. She is able to see, and understand that Touya has fully accepted what Endeavor wanted him to be. a stronger, and better version of himself. however, unlike Endeavor, she only cares about him as a person.

Endeavour by comparison isnt completely uncaring about Touya. like most abusive parents, he does possess love for his offspring, but it is forever tainted by the fact that however much he might care, or not care about Touya, any familial love he has for his son is tainted by the fact that to Endeavor, he is a failed experiment, a failed heir, not his child.

He is the golden child that Endeavor was building up as his true and only heir, who he breed, trained, and molded to for that single purpose, and now that he’s reached a point where he cant continue that legacy.

so, its time to abandon him, and start over new, despite literarily having just learned how stupid this plan was, and that it can, in fact, go completely wrong, with a quirk that will fuck over the person he brings into the world.

Of course, Endeavor doesnt use those words to frame it. there is no way to pretend to be a hero, if you phrase it like that after all. Intead, this is the words he uses.

this is a very important series of panels for a great number of reasons, some that can be debated, argued, and we will probably never know the full truth to the questions because this is a series published in 2020′s shonen jump, and there are things that probably wasnt gonna fly with Hori’s editors, if it was the case.

but lets start with what can not be debated. Endeavor’s words here.

“If we want him to give it up, then we have no choice... Touya... Cant surpass him.”

These are very telling words, and however you believe The third and fourth children of the Todoroki family was concieved, there is not denying the meaning of what he’s saying here.

The only way that my son will stop being an idiot and fall into line, is if we have another baby. that is the only Right way to move forward. it is morally right, because if we dont do this, then he’s going to destroy himself.

there are two ways to interpret this scene.

The charitable way is to read it as the fact that he used Rei’s oldest son’s mental state as a justification of guilting his wife to have a third child, to give this attempt at a superpowered breeding project another shot, despite the fact that they now know that this can lead to a child who is essentially born crippled from his own powers, and despite the fact that Rei obviously understands the effect of them continuing this insanity will have on their oldest son.

the uncharitable way to look at it, is that he used this as justification for flat out raping her, and forcing a third, and then later a fourth child on her.

I personally believe the last one, given a number of factors shown in this chapter(the way this page is framed, the fact Rei obviously didnt want a third child, given she predicted exactly how touya would react, the way her eyes would latet turn when she looks at who is presumably touya which really brings to mind how she would later react to her youngest son’s face after her mental breakdown, etc.), but i’ll frankly admitt that withouth a direct quote from Hori, its impossible to know for sure one way or another.

either way however, this is a very good example of Endeavor both being influenced by, and using Sunk Cost Fallacy to justify bringing another potentially crippled child into the world for his own, selfish goals.

sunk cost Fallacy, is a mental reaction to when you invest more time and resources into a project, that you becomes so emotionally invested into said project that you will continue to invest into it, even if it reaches a point that it becomes clear that the resources you put into it, far, far outweighs the potential gains you can achieve.

because if you give up after having invested years, and years of effort to breed, raise, and train a kid, and then all that effort was absolutely wasted. hence he choose to keep going, despite having learned what a terrible idea this is.

He doesnt care about the fact that his next child might be even more crippled than his firstborn, he doesnt care about his son’s actual wellbeing. he cares about the fact that if he doesnt continue this insanity, then not only will he not achieve his dreams, but everything he did to get to this point was for absolutely nothing.

and endeavor cannot accept that. and so long as he can justify breeding more children into the world, and there being any chance they might inherit both quirks perfectly, he doesnt care about anything else.

and the moment he realised that this kid wasnt gonna cut it either, he did it again. it is not a coincidence, that the age gap between Endeavor’s second, third, and fourth children were all 3-4 years apart. because thats the age where you can usually tell when a quirk will manifest or not, as established earlier in the series.

While she isnt brought up directly by Endeavor as a justification, it is very telling that Endeavor decided on having a third child, only after his second child was old enough that he could tell that that there was no chance she could take the place as his heir instead.

So, he had his third child, and as time passed and it became obvious that he wasn’t gonna be able to fulfill Endeavor’s goals either, he dumped him, and instead breed a fourth child into existence.

and finally, he struck gold. he did it. he produced Shoto.

everything was finally worth it, and now, everything would be absolutely fine. the cost fallacy had reached its end, and it was now all full sails ahead.

except of course it wasnt.

His oldest son, now in middle school, had been raised from birth to believe he would surpass his father, only to be thrown away, and getting to see his father try to replace him, not once, but twice.

frankly, this scene is probably my favorite in the chapter, because it goes to show Endeavor’s mindset. Natsuo made a point that their father completely ignored his older children. and he did... from Natsuo’s perspective. however, having a more thourough picture of things, we can clearly see that this wasnt the case with Touya.

Endeavor genuinly cared for Touya, enough that once he got that child he tried to breed into existence 4 times, he genuinly wanted him to just abandon trying to be a hero. he genuinly thinks of himself as a good dad here, wanting his son to abandon the mission he set out for him before he was born. of course, with context, this heartwarming scene is incredibly sad and insidious, because we understand why Endeavor got so attached to his oldest child. because he WAS the golden child. he was the child Endeavor genuinly cared about, and invested in, and trained personally with great warmth and enthusiasm.

And not only did he abandon him as a failed project the moment he realized he wasnt gonna live up to his ridiculous standards, but he literarily created 2 more kids to try and replace him, just as his oldest son was old enough to understand what exactly his dad was doing. over the course of this chapter, we get to see Touya’s start as a 5-8 year old, his deteriorating mental state over the years, until he finally seemed to reach the breaking point with Shoto’s birth sometime in his middle school years 12-15.

Endeavor is in this scene, just not capable of understanding why Touya so desperately wants to become a hero, when obviously he isnt physically able to do so. he isnt able to understand that he is 100% to blame for the fact that his son is having a full emotional breakdown after literaly being replaced by his siblings.

In other words, Endeavor genuinly think’s he’s a good person. a person who has made a few mistakes along the way sure, but a person who was always justified in the end, and now that he’s having to face the fact that as dabi would later say “The past never dies” and has to face the aftermath of his inane attempt to play god for the pettiest of reasons, things simply arent going to work out.

He isnt going to have a happy family, who can now put the awful early years behind them, he put way too much effort, caused too much suffering and sacrificed too many years of his life for this not to work out as he wants.

after all, if he walks away from this project now, and lets Shoto have a normal childhood, and decide for himself, with no pressure from him, wheter or not to become a hero, then the sunk cost fallacy will have reached a negative end. it will all have been for nothing.

and we know he did eventually double down on this mentality, literarily beating into Shoto that he WAS going to become a hero, and there was not but’s or no’s about it.

there was no way that Endeavor was EVER going to let things be for nothing. His treatment of his older children could not be for nothing. His treatment of his wife could not be for nothing. His treatment of Shoto, and the way he beat him black and blue to train him, could not be for nothing.

Because if it all was for nothing, if everything he feels guilty about was for absolutely nothing, then he was in fact, a bad, bad person, who had no justification for anything he ever did.

#my hero academia #touya todoroki #dabi #endeavor #endeavour #enji todoroki #rei todoroki #character study #301 #meta

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misslolasynastry · 3 years

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Celebrity Synastry Analysis

Married at First Sight - Season 13

Ryan and Brett

Couples' Synopsis 🗯: Brett (yes her name is Brett) is a more liberal pop-chic, glamour, outgoing type of woman. Ryan is conservative, country music, outdoorsy, camo hunter, introverted guy. So far up to episode 11, they arent really into each other but they get along okay. You can tell that there isnt much of a spark, yet they still participate in activites. First day of the wedding, they were like oil and water as Brett felt uncomfortable with Ryan's lifestyle and views as she grew up in a more socially relaxed upbringing. Ryan is more quiet and soft spoken so although he peeps things he doesn't say much. Brett leads most of their activities together and although she is aware of their differences she's modest and optimistic about it. They dont argue theyve just sorta accepted how different they are and casually press on. They look more like coworkers that dont talk much. Ryan has gone on to say that he doesnt feel a connection with Brett and so he doesnt put in much effort toward the relationship. I created a poll amongst fans asking if they think Ryan's lack of connection is valid OR should he try more to make it work as Brett does? The results were 55% with 75 participants leaning towards them just not being a good fit. I agree in that regard.

Below is an example I give for basic synastry clients. One thing astrology doesnt account for is having a connection, as 2 people can be completely incompatible yet still crave each other in a love/lust way. Ive also seen couples that had highly compatible charts but they werent interested in each other. However, despite lacking a natural bond, theyre more likely to come to appreciate one another over time due to how naturally smooth things are. Synastry is more for analyzing the differences in 2 persons' behaviors and personality, as well as how they interact with each other. Youre able to see where you disconnect and where you have similarities. I do them for couples, family members, and best friends.

🌞 Sun - Leo * Scorpio

Represents what each person takes pride in and is the core of their personality. They are incompatible here because they view life and take pride in very different things. Their Suns also create a square aspect which intensifies how polar they are. Leo Suns are more extroverted and take pride in the joys of life, creativity, romance, independence, and things that encourage spontaneity and challenge. Scorpio on the other hand is a deeply emotional intimate sign, as an empath are often more introverted in relationships and prefer a slow and steady intensity. Scorpio is also more a codepenent sign as they feel at their best an most powerful when theyre in charge and can command change in their surroundings. This doesnt work very well with an independent Leo Sun as both of them are fixed (stubborn) signs, one emotional/sensual and the other more playful/fiery. You could see this on their wedding day as Brett felt out of place while Ryan couldnt figure out why Brett couldnt just let go and enjoy the moment.

🌛 Moon - Virgo * Cancer

Represents how each handles emotions, feelings, the way they feel nurtured and nurture others. They have compatible moon signs as their zodiacs are both introverted, sensual, slow and steady, as well as sensitive. Virgo moons are the organizing perfectionists so they tend to pick apart everything they sense and how theyre feeling. As an earth sign theyre very grounded but at the same time are constantly trying to perfect their relationships with others. If youre paying attention to the little details, they will love you for it. Cancer moons are the motherly type and at times codependent because if they care for someone they will try to protect and "mother" them. As an empath they are very sensitive to the feelings of others and do things to try to keep the peace. Because both are introverted, slow paced, and sensitive emotionally this pairing works well. You can see as Brett and Ryan are talking that they feel comfortable with each other especially when sharing their feelings.

🗣 Mercury - Cancer * Libra

Represents the way you communicate, process information, and the key to what goes on in a person's head. They are incompatible here because they process information and communicate very differently. There is also a square aspect which indicates being more prone to misunderstandings as well as having alternate viewpoints on many topics. Those who watch the show can see that they have very different social lives and beliefs. Cancer is more sensitive, family based, an emotional speaker, and empath. Cancers are in a way more dreamy and poetic conversators. They are sensitive to the things others say and fear hurting other's feelings as well as hearing harsh words. Libra is more intellectual, analytical, extroverted, and social. Librans are peacekeepers and enjoy light hearted fun conversation, they arent afraid of blunt direct speaking but dont take well to conflict. However in ways both individuals are people pleasers as these zodiacs feed off the other person, in order to respond in a way they think is acceptable. Ryan prefers a communication style thats more emotional poetic and intimate, while Brett wants someone to joke with and is engaging to have a good time. They dont really talk much and as you can see, Brett engages him more than the other way around. Ryan doesnt feel emotionally connected so often opts out of conversation unless its deep.

💝 Venus - Libra * Sagittarius

Represents your creativity, romance style, inspiration, and foreplay. They are compatible in this area as both zodiacs enjoy this more light and fun essence when doing different activities together. Libra Venus tends to love social activities and things that bring a bit of challenge in to the mix, having a peaceful loving relationship is important to them. Sagittarius is the spontaneous optimistic adventurer, enjoying someone they can grow with and exchange ideas. And because both are able to let go and have fun, theyre able to spend time with each other despite differences. You can see this in the show as both Brett and Ryan still participate in activities together while other couples struggle more.

😡 Mars - Capricorn * Libra

Represents the way you respond to conflict, what motivates you, and the style of sex you prefer. They are incompatible in this planet as they resolve conflict in very different ways. Capricorn the fatherly hardworking zodiac can be more withdrawn and stern, seeking to take some time to calm down before trying to resolve things. They approach conflict by way of hardwork, discipline, structure, conservatism and law. Capricorn Mars play by their rules on whats right and wrong and can have a traditional stance on things. They can get emotional and defensive of what they deem to be law. Libras dont mind approaching conflict head on, because when resolving they tend to remove emotions and analyze the situation. Theyre considered the best judges of the zodiac due to their ability to find balance and bring harmony. However, Libra Mars can be people pleasers and kinda passive about things. If they feel the other is uncompromising they will withdraw. Although Ive never seen them argue, I can predict that Ryan is more on the sensitive side and very matter of fact, while Brett may attempt to get her point across then cave-in once Ryan is noticeably uncomfortable. Although they may be able to trigger each other in the mood by way of Venus, Capricorn mars prefers more slow and steady lovemaking, while Librans like things more fast paced and fun in the bedroom. Im willing to bet that Ryan enjoyed Tantric yoga more than Brett did.

When it comes to aspects traditionally I would break down them all, but when first looking at someone's chart in a basic synastry standpoint, I analyze longevity factors first. Such as aspects to Saturn, Pluto, North Node, and at times Juno. But to keep this shorter, I'll stick to the 3 major aspects. Conjunctions, Trines, Squares

😇 Saturn Trine North Node - support each others growth through maturity and discipline

👥Saturn Conjunct Uranus -traditionalist vs nonconformist, the unexpected and practical nature of each other is beneficial, but feelings of restriction or unpredictability can crumble the relationship

💣Saturn Square Moon - saturn sees moon as overly sensitive while moon feels restricted. It grows worse over time as each feel misunderstood, its up to Saturn to reconcile this issue by being more attentive.

😇Pluto Trine Sun - encourges confidence, positivity, and has a transforming effect on each partner, mostly Sun

😇Pluto Trine Jupiter - optimism remains through difficulty which allow both to persevere through challlenges

😇Pluto Trine North Node - pluto has the ability to transform and empower North Node on their path to success

💣Pluto Square Lilith - good intentions can get lost in the mix as pluto person attempts to transform liliths obvious struggles

😇North Node Trine Mercury - Mercury stimulates North Node's intellect regarding their purpose and karma in unexpected ways.

👥North Node Conjunct Jupiter - optimism and a sense of purpose motivates each other. This can help them succeed in things they do together.

💣North Node Square Neptune - the future of the relationship can be very cloudy, they may seek to look at each other for inward healing and North Node will lose patience for it all

💣North Node Square Venus - indicates differences in where each person wants the relationship to go, Venus prefers lighthearted fun and romance while North Node takes their path more serious.

📒 Final Thoughts: Based on their compatibility and aspects, there isnt much spark or longevity between them. And they may never quite align for that reason. They could attempt to work through these problems but for a lack of connection on Ryan's end, hes less likely to try to make it work. Brett is at least open to it but having different lifestyles and alternative desires for a relationship will make it hard to move forward. This is why having a mutual connection is so important in a relationship because both partners at least have that glue to try and make differences work. The only thing theyve got going for each other is the ability to understand each other's emotions and have a good time. But when examining aspects, Ryan still views Brett as overly sensitive and not disciplined in her reactions. Even if they did press on with their relationship, they may still find it dull, just based on the lack of fun aspects in their synastry chart.

🧜🏽‍♀️ For inquiries regarding synastry charts please visit my profile introductory post, email misslolasynastry@gmail, or shoot me a message. If you'd like me to analyze a celebrity couple im open to doing so as long as you have both birthdays on hand. I can also analyze family members as well.

#mafs #married at first sight season 13 #married at first sight #astrology #synastry #scorpio #leo #spirituality #scorpio and leo #arranged marriage #brett and ryan #western astrology #aspects #matchmaking #chart reading

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toutallyahoe · 3 years

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hi!! could you do some soft hannibal or will hcs? or some soft remus lupin hcs? if not thats fine!

a/n: ayyyyyy

first off i just want to say sorry for not posting a lot these days. shit happened here but now im back (for now) to do hcs!

second off, yall are gonna hate me for this but i dont actually watch hannibal soooo, i dont know how to write for him and such... but remus lupin? fahajshwheahakhd gotchu

third off, high school/past au because i just want to write remus being goofy and also a bit anxious on his nature

anyways, onto the hcs!

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

remus never thought he'll fall in love really

he was more focused on trying to stop his chaotic friends from causing more mayhem but get dragged into it

and his small problem being a warewolf to keep secret

besides, remus has some high expectations even if he doesnt want to admit it

remus would like someone to be soft and caring

loving him and be understanding towards his little warewolf problem (if he tells them)

and most important, he may not have thought about his partner's gender as he was more going to focused on personality really, but still, remus would have liked a female partner

so, imagine his surprise when he caught feelings on a certain [hogwarts house] boy the same year as him?

remus was confused at first

he didnt know what he was feeling and his friends noticed it

remus didnt really want to confide with them, but he knew sooner or later, theyll find out eventually like how they discovered his secret

so, he told them his confusing feelings

and let me tell you, the three boys looked at him confused at first until they looked each other with shit eating grins

well, sirius and james have those shit eating grins while peter looked a bit excited at him

"guess potter isnt the only lovesick puppy huh?" sirius teased as the three began to laugh

until james realized sirius was saying he was a "lovesick puppy" towards lily, which immediately made him shout a unamused "hey! i do not!"

as sirius and james began to banter at each other and peter was trying to be the peacemaker, remus took a second to process what his friend just said

until the realization hit in and made remus red and stuttering mess

remus was in denial, to the amusement of his friends

he cant be!

he wasnt gay— not that being gay is a problem or anything, he never just expected him to be one

he didnt like [name] like that way, right???

he barely knew the guy!!!

remus was in denial for a few days until his friend had snapped some sense to him

by literally dragging [name] to their lunch table

they didnt care if [name] was in another house or not, they still dragged his ass over and made him sit next to remus who was having an internal breakdown

apparently sirius, james and peter decided to be remus' wingman, even if remus didnt want them too

but anyways

sirius, james and peter would ask [name] questions as they ate, wanting to getting to know their future buddy and trying to slip remus in the conversation

they thought they were slick at it, but nope!

they arent

"so [name]? watcha like to do?"

"oh, well i like literatur—"

"you know, our buddy remus likes books too!"

"really? thats nice. i also like chocolat—"

"chocolates?!? wow! our buddy o pal remus has a massive sweet tooth, did you know that?"

"maybe you both could go to honeydukes together this weekend!"

they were that bad

they werent subtle at all

remus is just internally suffering

why was his friends like this?

why was he even friends with them?

remus was super embarrassed but to his utter surprise— [name] actually seemed to be down on visiting honeydukes with him to buy some sweets

of course, [name] didnt really think on it other than a friendly hang out (at first)

but to the three, this was the start to hook their beloved puppy remus to [name]

it took a while but [name] and remus' relationship grown closer and a few months, they finally got together

it almost took a year for them to realize their feeling for each other (remus and [name]) if it wasnt for that mistletoe accident in the greathall on christmas day

sirius and james were bragging that they were the ones to have placed those mistletoe there

but thats a lie

peter did and the two placed mistletoes in other rooms

peter was the smart one to put a mistletoe under above the entrance of the door while sirius and james literally decorated every corner of the great hall with mistletoe because apparently they thought it would made sure remus and [name] would kiss

and that james was also trying to get a kiss from lily under those mistletoes too because it was "romantic" and that itll make her definitely "fall in love" with him

but anyways, [name] was soft for remus and remus was soft for [name]

the two only have little bumps in their relationship but mostly, they try to understand each other and hear one another out

remus always liked their tradition on winter to cuddle in front of the fireplace in the gryffindor common room

remus prefers to be the small spoon but wouldnt mind cuddling [name] too

he likes to be held since he could snuggle and hear [name]'s calming heartbeat

of course those moments are sometimes destroyed by his friends inserting themselves to their cuddle sessions

but remus wouldnt have it either way

[name] doesnt mind aswell

it was annoying at first but over time, he grown fond of remus' friends

another sweet thing that [name] does that makes remus so soft is that [name] makes sure that he is loved

[name] seems to noticed when he is down and will always give him a soft peck on his forehead, embrace him tightly and mutter how much he is adored

[name] also doesnt questions on the scars he had obtained over his little problem

in fact, [name] just reminds him that [name] loves him so much

[name] makes him feel loved and always tell him that he is beautiful in [name]'s eyes

when remus told [name] about him being a warewolf

remus was terrified and thought [name] leave him

but this guy was so full of surprises

[name] was a bit shock and was quiet for a while, but then he just embraces remus tightly and running his hands over remus' hair and whispers he still loves remus no matter what

remus cried that day

what have he even done to deserve [name]?

he doesnt know but he was happy to meet the guy who loves him, even with all his flaws

remus was sure [name] was the one and he hopes he'll get to be a [last name] in the far future

#ask #2 #headcanons request #headcanons #hp #harry potter x male reader #hp x male reader #harry potter #remus #lupin #remus lupin #remus x male reader #remus lupin x male reader #x male reader #male reader insert #male reader #top male reader #seme male reader #dom male reader

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nestable · 3 years

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Feminism in ACOTAR

(This is a bit long so bare with me)

As a politics student and general member of the public who's curious about feminist themes, I've read a lot of feminist writings which have informed my opinion in saying that none of the acotar books can be described as feminist.

I've noticed that the big motivator behind describing the books as feminist is feyres appointment of High lady. Though that may be pivotal in prythian history, we cant ignore the fact that it is still a fairly patriachal society. Having a few women in places of power like mor, amren, feyre etc. Is not enough because women don't grow up on an island and are also influenced by patriachal views or mindsets. In short, just because someone is a woman and is in a position of power, doesnt mean that they will cater to the needs of women or are feminist. Women, especially white women(this is important because sjms writes white feminism) have often gotten into positions of power and actually ignored women and done the same that their male predecessors have done and often threw other women under the bus in order to retain their tokenism status. And the main flaw of white feminism which is the reason why it coined the term 'white feminism' is that it doesnt encompass all the intersectionalities that women reside in and only focus on a western model of what it means to be a woman and anything outside of that is backward and 'barbaric. We see this in the judgement and disregarding of POC's experiences and outlooks on life because they are different to theirs. There are more than enough examples of the white women in the series judging the illyrians which are seen by the fandom as POC's and how they maliciously drag their customs through the mud. Instead of getting these views from illyrian women themselves, we get them from white women who arent connected to that culture whatsoever and who have nothing to say except judgement and critique instead of actually helping.

We see this with the white characters views of illyrian cultures and their conclusion of the condition of women without even having a single conversation with illyrian women. Illyrian women in this set up have no agency and no voice and that leaves the women of the IC to speak for them which is counterproductive. This is wrong in that many western cultures have misinterpreted different cultures and ignored the women in those societies as being disenfranchised and have used this as an excuse to invade and colonize under the guise of liberating women when in actual fact they dont care about the women at all, and are only concerned in reaping the benefits of that culture and keeping them under their control. An example of this is rhys ignoring the treatment of illyrian women but reaping the benefit of having illyrians fight in his wars.

Feyre as high lady

It's unfair to judge feyres actions as high lady as yet because we've barely seen her act, but from the little that we know, she follows Rhys' every action and decision without question. And rhys hasn't done anything for the improvement of women's position socially or economically at all (we all know the state of the illyrian camps) in all the 500 yrs he's been high lord. Apart from Rhys, the inner circle has 2 women in the highest leadership positions and even they havent done anything and have even ignored the plight of women under their jurisdiction, (mor with Hewn city) I dont even think amren cares about anything besides her jewels tbh. So it's fair to assume that feyre will follow in those very footsteps. She already has biased and low views on the illyrians and people who reside in hewn city to the point where she participates in the 'pimp and whore' act that she puts on t deal with them. And we've never seen her speak to illyrian women so to her their voices and autonomy dont matter.

Male feminism in the IC

The only male who can be seen as being feminist in the series is Cassian because aside from simply declaring that wing clipping is illegal, he actually does the ground work to ensure it doesn't happen by offering the women to train with him. Though this is a weak cure for the issues the women face in Illyria, it's a start and far more work than anything the other characters have done in the name of women empowerment.

Another so called feminist figure in the series is rhysand. Why he's described as such defeats me, but I'll go through some points to prove that hes nothing of the sort.

1. He created a library for sexual assault survivors.

Though this is a nice effort, it can't be described as feminism because he doesnt extend the same courtesy to the other women in his territory and is only concerned with women in Velaris. Supporting women who worship you isnt feminism isnt feminism either and we know that the entirety of Velaris see the IC as blameless gods. Based on mors history, its obvious that the women in hewn city are suffering just as much if not more but hes forsaken them to live under mors parents/abusers rule. And creating a safe house for sexual assault survivors isnt as much feminism as it is human decency. Especially considering how much money hes got.

2. Banning illyrian wing clipping

Wing clipping is still a pandemic in the illyrian camps meaning that he didnt put enough provisions to ensure that it stops. Passing a law and ensuring that it is followed are two different things and rhys clearly dowsnt know the distinction. An additional point regarding illyrian women is that it was mentioned in acofas that they were joining the men in rebelling, and if that doesnt say anything about their feelings with him being high lord and how he doesnt cater to them, then I dont know what does. This also speaks to the point of the assumption that women of color dont have agency in their own societies. He said something like the men 'manipulated' the women into joining their rebellion, which insinuates that they can't think for themselves and are completely voiceless and this is a factor of whit feminism, the belief that WOC colour cant speak for themselves and are meek and susetable to being controlled or manipulated. It is a huge possibility that the women can't really express their opinions because they are suppressed by their men, however we dont see rhys interacting with any women and getting their opinion on things. He assumes that they are forced into everything and though we havent gotten the book yet I'm gonna say this is false. The reason being if rhys was such a good high lord and cared for women's issues, why would the women side with their 'abusive' men instead of their so called benevolent high lord?

3. Rhys appointed women in his IC

First of all, appointing women based on merit and qualifications is feminism, not appointing family members and you underaged bride just because 'you love her'. Though mor and amren may be qualified, and that's a massive 'maybe', they haven't done anything to improve the lives of women. Like their high lord they are complacent and Hewn city and illyria are more than enough to prove this. What rhys has essentially done is nepotism and corruption and no one can convince me otherwise.

Going further on the inner circle women, rhys was willing to sacrifice these very women to achieve his goal and this is self serving and anti feminist. The first being abusing feyre UTM and then using her as bait for the attor, then later making a deal with eris even though he knows his history with mor. If anyone believes that these actions are remotely feminist or excusable, then feminism is not for you and need help because its abusive and patriachal.

In conclusion rhys isnt feminist, mor isnt feminist, amren isnt feminist, feyre isnt feminist, azriel isnt even in the conversation and cassian is the only one scratching the surface. Also, white feminism is an exclusive and limited way to portray and execute feminism, women getting leadership positions based on their proximity to men just advances the false notion that women can only succeed if they 'sleep' their way to the top and just because a woman is in a leadership space, thag doesnt make that state of affairs inherently feminist because women are also carriers of patriarchy.

I tried to sum up my points but for more on white feminism, feminist intersectionalites and how being female doesnt make a person feminist, I advice you read Bell Hooks' writings because she touches on these topics in far better ways than I can.

#acotar #acowar #acomaf #anti inner circle #anti rhysand #anti feyre #my take on feminism #stop caling female representation feminism #anti sjm #sjm critical

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citadelspires · 3 years

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So I know character analysis in relation to the evente of True Colors isn't quite in style anymore, but Ive been mentally checked out for a month now and off my game for longer, so now that I'm in the zone again I'm gonna make yall regret it.

By which I mean yeah it's time for me to endulge in overthinking things and talking about how miserable Marcy's life is on a daily basis.

So some of the stuff Ive been thinking about isn't exactly new, we've known Marcy is real into escapism, we know she'd rather stay exploring other worlds than go back and get separated from her friends. But like, Ive been thinking about the specific detail that has me approaching it from a flipside. As much as I know Marcy loves Amphibia I don't think I ever gave enough credit to how much she Hates earth.

The specific detail in question being that she considers the calamity box a perfect birthday present for anne. On a surface level that detail doesnt seem super important, but the more thought I put towards it the more it seems like one of the most important details in the whole thing.

While one could make the argument that Marcy just used it being her birthday present as an excuse to get her hands on it and get it open, I just dont think shes that cunning. Shes smart yeah, but shes not agressive or manipulative with it, I think she genuinely believes, even at that point, that randomly getting sent to another world without her consent would be a good birthday present, the implications of which are unsettling to say the least.

Sure by the time True Colors happens she's got the firsthand experience and view of what Anne has been doing and has seen how good its been for her, so she is able to freely do the "I gave you this" knowing it was good. But at the beginning, everything was completely different.

Marcy wanted to get off of Earth in order to stay together with her friends, but she also knows that they arent aware thats even a factor, and I would even make the argument she isnt comfident enough in herself to think theyd actually go along with it if they knew her reasoning, just so they wouldnt get split up from her. (Honestly I could make a whole nother post about that and how I think part of her reason for not telling them what the box would do was because she was afraid theyd tell her she wasnt worth putting up any resistance for).

So Marcy is standing there, knowing her own reasons why she wants to run to another world, but also knowing that those reasons dont directly apply to Anne. And while she does tend to lose track of peoples wants and desires when she gets caught up in her own head, she knows Anne has parents she loves and cares about that she would miss, and probably all the other stuff we know Anne misses about home. Regardless she calls the box a present for Anne anyway.

Marcy's desire to (literally) escape to a fantasy world makes sense to me. I get it. I cant pretend I wouldnt seriously consider it myself and Im happy here anyway. But even I have enough stuff and relationships here Id loose a lot by going. The fact that Marcy takes no time to think and immediately wants off of earth speaks volumes. For Marcy, the literal only things in the entire world she holds valuable are Anne and Sasha and thats serioisly it.

In the past Ive categorized this as Marcy not having anything really tieing her down to earth and meaning she just doesnt really care for anything or anyone there but I think theres more too it than that.

For Marcy, the thought of leaving Earth is not just a convienent escape from her immediate problem. She knows Anne doesnt have the same things pushing her away from earth and she knows Anne has people she loves there, but she still classifies sending Anne away from earth without her consent as a present. Marcy believes, without even knowing where it will send them, that the box will be so good it will outweigh any negative feelings from the people anne will miss, entirely because literally anywhere is better than home.

Even knowing Anne has people she loves Marcys feelings are so strong that the concept of being on earth as anything more than a tolerable misery Anne has to deal with to be happy with the few things she likes about it just. Doesnt even occur to her. No matter how much Anne holds valuable Marcy cant understand the idea that losing all of that would be worth it and more just to get off of earth, to anywhere else, no matter where, so much so that in her eyes its a wonderful gift to literally anyone, because earth is such an inherently miserable place why would anyone want to stay?

tldr Marcy you poor child what are you not telling us

#amphibia #marcy wu #yes im at it again #sue me #true coloes #true colors #there we go #that one.

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smugraccoon137 · 3 years

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Supergirl Season 2 episode 8 Medusa review part 2

If your curious part 1 was just my breakdown of Kara and Mon-els relationship that got way too long. But as always SPOILERS AND GAY THOUGHTS AHEAD

Me and kel get so excited when Lenas in an episode. Like practically giddy. I can’t help smiling when shes on screen honestly. And yes Katie McGrath is beautiful, but beyond that such a pretty smile and lovely voice. I’m sure ratings started to spike when she joined the cast. Okay enough about pretty girls on to the review

Tipsy fucking Alex though guys I can’t get over this mess of a person.

Alex: if I have to come out to my mom then I choose to do it drunk

Kara: no your not *yoinks beer*

Alex: wait no my coming out juice

Kara Danvers sneaky sneaker extraordinaire can totally interview Lena and find out Cadmus things without anyone knowing. The confidence this goofball has is top tier

Underrated relationship: Alex and Winn though. I really really love Winn and honestly Alex is such big sister energy to both him and Kara.

wow Lenas pretty in the interview scene. A touch of auburn hair from the sunlight really makes this shot and we never get to see her with her hair down. Fan service honestly, or maybe she heard a certain beef cake reporter was gonna come by and wanted to dazzel her.

Lena: hair up is for business. Hair down is for flirting friendship time with Kara

Poor baby thinks she falls short nooooo. Your doing your best godamn your only like 25 jesus. Kara give her a hug she needs love and affection

Kara thinks shes being so sneaky in this interview. Such a golden retriever, bad at sneakin. As soon as she toes the line Lena catches on and kicks her out. Really good acting in the scene, the subtle change in expression to show Lenas guard raising. Good job Katie.

Real quick Lena why is your office so ugly? How do you keep it clean? You spend 99% of your days in this place and its whiter than a hospital room. I hate it. Why is your desk an oval? and why does it have a hole in it? Kara cant eat you out in secret anymore damn.

OOHHHhhhh noooo the fucking gas bomb in the bar what the fuck. EVERYBODIES DEAD JESUS WHAT WAS THAT

Poor Mon-el. What happened at the bar was fucked up, and he feels like its fault when its obviously not.

Love that he and Kara are having bro time playing some Monopoly. Oh no not Kara asking if he likes her. Honestly thought these two had good chemistry in this scene. Im a sucker for dumbass not understanding certain words and phrases. So Kara having to reiterate her questions and finally being like “You don’t want to mate with me do you?” was super fun. Omegaverse vibes mfs. Although I am confused by mon-els reaction “I mean have you seen the kind of women I’ve been attracting?” I honestly don’t know what this means.

Kara internal reaction though: Oh thank god

Wow Kara really just has no regard for her own life, huh? she just opens the door and possibly contaminates herself. It’s good to want to help people, but love you gotta care about yourself too

Good reveal with the fortress of solitude. Oof Kara gonna feel like its her fault all those aliens died and mon-els sick. They do a really good job of showing Karas relationship with her parents through their holograms. She wants so badly to see them again, to talk to them. And she can, but not really. They just aren’t real.

Lena cattily to her mother: im used to celebrating holiday weekends alone at my desk

me to Kara: please invite her to thanksgiving

Okay so Lena being adopted is another interesting parallel to Kara. Also the fact that both Kara and Lena fall into there families shadows, and are left behhind or forgotten. Really interesting how Lena and Karas relationship is so similar to Clark and Lex’s for obvious purposes. Though the CW queer coding the fuck out of their relationship in Smallville really only adds to Supercorp fever. Its always been Homoerotic subtext Harold!

Me watching Lena and Lillian trade verbal blows: Wow ya’lls relationship is fucked up. Lex and Lionelle would spar and fence but you two are on another level jesus

oooooof that last line.

Lena: I know your lying

Lillian: and how could you possibly know that?

Lena: because you told me you loved me. And we both know thats not true

Who wrote this jesus fuck my heart. The PAIN.

Bonus thought Lena thinks Karas smart. Goofball beefcake sneaky sneakster who doesnt know the difference between flirting and friendship is smart she thinks. I love these idiots

Wow Kara just doesn’t wait huh? Oh cadmus is going to be at LCorp? Not on my watch. Lena’s there. I know this because I tune into her heart beat just to check on her cus she likes to work late. Don’t worry Alex it’s for friendship reasons.

That LCorp security guard got princess carried for .2 seconds. Best moment of his life.

God its like dark out. Lenas working on a holiday weekend into the night. I hate this, give her friends.

Lena looks so scared when Kara gets thrown into the giant LCorp sign

And then hurt Kara looking up at her with dread.

Kara internal: fuck don’t come out now. I came here to save you

God I love the protectiveness. Its *chefs kiss*. Hank throwing the beam at Lena and Kara even in her hurt state throwing herself in front of it. Sometimes self sacrifice is gay. But how Lena looks at her after wards like “I can’t believe I’m alive. I can’t believe she chose to save me”. Met with a gruff “Get out of here!”. mm yes this is my kind of content. Fight for me.

I was robbed an aftercare scene but I doubt it will be the last time. (*COUGHS* the “im leaving” phone call *COUGHS*)

Talking about the virus Eliza: what about Lena Luthor?

Kara: What about her?! (super defensive is also a super power maam)

Winn: Luthors can be pretty good actors

Kara: No, I looked into LENAS EYES. She doesn’t know anything about cadmus or her mother

J’onzz: Would you stake Mon-els life on that?

well I guess that really puts Lena and Mon-el right next to each other in priorities huh? Which one is more important?

Wow Lena totally has a crush on Supergirl after that. Flustered dork.

Lena: *laughs nervously* you know that doors not really an entrance

Kara: *upsettit stone face pupper*

Lena: :,)

Okay but the way Lena just says “Anything” all breathless and helpful when Kara says she needs her help. Shes crushin hard

Kara tells Lena her mother is in charge of Cadmus.

Lena: >:(

Annnd the crush is dead. That did not last long. Really love that Lena has such a different relationship with Kara vs Supergirl though, good dynamic having her reactions so different. Which I believe actually relates as a Clark and Lois parallel? Seeing as how Lois has two separate relationships with Clark and Superman.

OOf the way Lenas throat bobs with genuine sadness because who she thought Supergirl was is wrong. Shes just like the rest of them. Thinks Lena is just another crazy Luthor. It hurts

Kara: I know what its like to be disillusioned by our parents, but Im a pretty good judge of character, and you are not like your mother. She is cold and dangerous. And you are too good and too smart to follow in her path. Be your own Hero.

Wow just what a good line. They are capable of some things here and there arent they? Melissa's delivery on this is excellent. And the way Katie McGrath is able to show such depth of sadness and bitterness even from a shot of her BACK is really cool. Great acting in this scene in particular. And I can see why the “desperation to be good” is such a highlighted part of these two relationship. Its the one thing in common between Lena and Supergirl, the place where they can meet in the middle. And the way Lena looks after her as she leaves! AHHH thats the good shit, the pining

Okay big Mon-el scene in coming so if you dont want to hear my ranting skip over this part.

Funny how as soon as Kara has this big impactful scene with Lena full of tension and emotion the writers were like: shit we almost forgot Mon-els dying.

Kara: *staring sadly back into Lenas office kind of wanting to go back in*

Writers: *cough cough* KARA He’s DYINGGGG

Kara: Oh shit right. Mon-el Oh no. My *looks at poorly written handwriting on her palm* romantic interest?

Wow Mon-el looks like shit, poor guy. Someone swaddle this pillow princess and get him some soup.

Heres a question. Kara is visibly upset that Mon-el is dying. Is it because she’s sad that the guy shes likes is dying. Because her friend is dying? Because her father created the virus thats killing him (what the writers want us to think)? Or because no matter what Kara does the people she loves keep falling through the cracks and shes helpless to stop it?

Her parents. Clark. Her adoptive father. Now Lena. Now Mon-el. Why can’t she ever do anything? Why is it always her fault? This poor kid has some deep seeded abandonment issues

Mon-el: you know you look beautiful with the weight of all these worlds on your shoulders.

I do remember my reaction here, cus I thought this was a weird line. A line that was obviously meant to be romantic and complimentary, but it felt unsettled in my stomach. Coming back and watching the scene it sits even more uncomfortably there. He obviously means well, but this line is kind of just shitty. Its a very selfish and unthoughtful thing to say to someone.

Kara’s entire fucking life has revolved around other people and making sure they are happy and taken care of. But having “failed” at such a young age to do the impossible things asked of her (carrying on Kryptons legacy, raising Clark) she overcompensates. Any normal person would just make their life revolve around their family and friends, not healthy but it works. But Kara feels responsibility over an entire world of lost people and lives. So the amount she overcompensates is ungodly. She does have the weight of worlds on her shoulders. This is not a joke or hyperbole. Its just her life. And thats so fucking shitty. And to have someone actually see that and acknowledge it. To make it a reality so to speak. Then to have them say “yeah you look good like this” while you’re a shaking Atlas being crushed. It is just a little too much isn’t it? That pain to have someone see you finally, and then completely miss the point. For them to go “oh wow your so strong. your so brave” instead of “let me help you. you shouldn’t have to do this at all, forget by yourself. But now I am here”.

I imagine this was the scene that crowned my darling himbo boy Mon-Hell? Which is so unfortunate. I hope Im wrong, but I feel that his character might just end up a big missed opportunity

I want everyone to know that me and Kel screamed through the entire enxt few seconds of the scene. We knew the kiss was coming from how they were building it up. But god was it painful, especially for it to be delivered after a line like THAT. But yeah very loud angry screaming

Also not to be that bitch but Kara and Mon-els scene was a total of 1:53 RT, and Kara and Lenas ran at a 1:57 RT. Just sayin...

No Lena don’t be evil thats too sexy...

Okay but the way that Lena just tricks Lillian is so good. Shes so clever. And added bonus she makes her ask for her help, which is nice actually. Lillian's obvious vice is weakness and that is often shown in embarrassment. A woman like this asking for help borders that line of weakness and its nice to see on such a dislikable character. Lena didn’t just get what she wanted she got a point over her mother.

Lena looks good in the purple coat. Repeat she is pretty

Love the mental chess game between Lena and Lillian. Lena offering help right off the bat and giving her the isotope free of charge. And then Lillian making Lena launch the virus to prove herself. Good stuff.

Kara appears: don’t do it Lena!

Lena: why not? im a luthor

Okay so obviously Lena switched the Isotope and the Virus won’t work. But thats what makes this line so perfect. Throwing it back in Supergirls face. Like “Yeah, Im a luthor. And Ill show you what im capable of.” But instead of mass death and destruction Lena saves the day. She saved thousands of lives, and its because shes a Luthor that she was able to do that. Really nice way to full circle that

Wow Lillian really just starts booking it without Lena, huh? bitch

I really love the scene of the virus falling all around National City. The choice of an orangish snow falling was a really really good one. Paired with some excellent music for the mid season finale.

Its sad but I do love Hank just being ready and at peace with death. Im sure he misses his wife and daughters.

Okay but Lena calling the cops is tea. Send your mom to jail honey.

So we’re really not gonna talk about how Lena saved everyones asses? Like don’t you think Supergirl would want to talk to the woman that A) kind of tricked her, and B) saved National City. Thats just what makes sense??? But no we’re going to ignore that the DEO is a kind of shit at their job sometimes. And that the woman that they were accusing of having a part to play in all the xenophobic shit is the one who did their job. BY HER SELF.

Okay rant over. This was a long one review dear god. Really really good episode though. I enjoyed rewatching all the scenes even if it was a mixed bag of feelings. Thanks for reading hope you enjoyed all the screaming!

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claynatanga · 3 years

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till we meet again | iwaoi

iwaoi hanahaki disease au!!

oikawa caught the hanahaki disease as he slowly discovers his love for iwaizumi. while in the middle of a late night call with one another, oikawa started coughing up petals and blood. iwaizumi, who thought that oikawa was just sick brushed it off as him just having a bad cough. later on, iwaizumi had figured out while visiting oikawa one day, that it was not just a bad cough that night that they were having a late night call. it was the hanahaki disease, that he did not believe in had happened to his very best friend. the friend that he grew up with.

will oikawa be getting the surgery and live a sad, unlovable life, or will he suffer his last weeks seeing his best friend fall in love with the manager of seijoh?

!! cw, read before continuing !! : major character death, heavy angst, mentions of blood, potential character death, cursing, hallucinations, mix of lower case and upper case, incorrect punctuations

word count : 4.6k

oikawa huffed, fishing out his phone from his pockets as he impatiently waited for his friend to answer his messages. he was waiting at the front of the school gates, he remembered he promised to iwaizumi that he would wait for him in front of the school gates so they could walk to class together, but it seems that he was running a bit late.

he was waiting for roughly 15 minutes, his legs starting to give up on him for standing so long. he groaned, moving to get his phone from his pockets again to call iwaizumi, but stopped when he saw a figure walking in the distance.

his eyes lit up, head snapping in iwaizumi's direction to wave and greet him. iwaizumi rolled his eyes, but raised a hand and waved back. oikawa was about to call out to iwaizumi, but the words fell short on his tongue as he watched seijoh's volleyball team manager approach iwaizumi. his huge grin had calmed down to a tight lipped smile, a smile that won't reach his eyes no matter how he tries as he watched them interact.

they chat for a few minutes, slowly making their way to oikawa.

by the time they're reach him, his smile had fully went and gone. his eyes didn't shine as they did earlier as he turned away from them and faced the school, the cracks of the walls seemingly much more interesting than whatever they were talking about.

oikawa started staring off to space, not being able to hear anything around him as he got lost in his own mind.

"oh, oikawa-san! i didn't see you there!" oikawa snapped out of his trance. where was he again? he let his eyes wander for a short while as they landed on the girl in front of him. oh. right. school.

"yeah haha hi" he awkwardly muttered, subconsciously letting his hand rest on the back of his neck.

iwaizumi and the manager chatted for a few more minutes, before they finally said their goodbyes and walked away from each other.

'finally, i was getting bored' oikawa thought monotonously, looking back to iwaizumi who had hearts in his eyes.

oikawa furrowed his eyebrows. what's so special about a girl? i mean, he gets it if it's his mom, or sister, or cousin but? he doesnt get it if they're just a schoolmate.

oikawa heaved a small cough, covering his mouth with his hand as he did so. when he lifted his hand back up there was a pink petal. it looked like a hydrangea petal. he remembered a small conversation that he and iwaizumi had a few years back.

"hey iwa-chan, what's your favorite flower?"

"ha? what, are you gonna get me flowers for my grave or something? i'm not dead yet loserkawa"

"what- no i'm not! i'm just asking because i'm curious! jeez mean iwa-chan." oikawa frowned, rubbing the spot where iwaizumi had hit him

iwaizumi thought for a bit, looking up at the ceiling as he does so.

"well, i suppose i like hydrangea flowers"

"the pink one?" oikawa tilted his head to the side, i curious glint in his eyes.

iwaizumi confirmed that by nodding.

he wondered where the petal came from. did it fall from a tree? he shrugged it off, nudging iwaizumi's arm as he started walking towards the school. iwaizumi blinked, shaking off his trance, his head snapped towards oikawa, a pink tint to his cheeks.

"oi! what was that for, shittykawa?!"

oikawa laughed, starting to jog towards the school doors.

"i can see the hearts in your eyes whenever you talk to manager-chan. you like her, don't you, iwa-chan??" oikawa teased as he saw the irk mark on iwaizumi's head grow. he didn't like admitting it, or even acknowledging it, but he knew that iwaizumi, did in fact like their volleyball teams manager. he has talked about her a few times, mentioned her name that even oikawa didn't have the time or care to even remember of.

his smile faltered once more. but when he saw iwaizumi coming at him full charge his grin went back, starting to run away from the devil like iwaizumi.

"damn you shittykawa i told you not to say that outloud!!" oikawa laughed, a little squeak coming out of the end as he tries to escape iwaizumi.

ah, what a peaceful life it is.

a few weeks later, exams was just right around the corner, pulling at every students heads and giving them a headache. oikawa was no different.

although he did seem smart, which he was, he just wasn't keen in a few subjects.

luckily, iwaizumi liked the subjects oikawa loathed, so he asked if iwaizumi could help him in those subjects, exchanging agedashi tofu or grilled mackerel pike for the help.

iwaizumi agreed, acting all grumpy as oikawa called him through discord.

"yahoo iwa-chan!" iwaizumi grumbled a small greeting, oikawa hearing a bit of shuffling and pages turning.

oikawa chuckled.

"oi, what are you laughing at?"

"it's just the way you act all grumpy about teaching me, but i know you love teaching me cause i'm just so irresistible, arent i iwa-chan?"

"yeah, so irresistibly annoying"

"hey! mean iwa-chan!" oikawa huffed, taking out his notebooks from his bag.

he heard iwaizumi chuckle through his headset, and he smiled.

"so what do you not understand in ap history?"

"uhm, everything?"

"tch, expected from a dumbass like you"

"hey! rude! i'm not a dumbass!" oikawa coughed. petals flowing through his mouth. what was happening?

"oh come on, just admit it loserkawa" iwaizumi chuckled. iwaizumi continued to look through his notebook, not minding how oikawa was coughing so much.

"oi, 'kawa, drink some water dumbass!" iwaizumi half muttered, trying to focus on reading the contents of his notebook.

when the coughing continued, iwaizumi frowned, furrowing his eyebrows and looking up from his notebook to stare at his computer.

"hey, shittykawa, are you okay?" iwaizumi's voice was laced with concern for his friend, as he closed his notebook and placed it on his study table.

there were a few more coughs, before oikawa weakly answered;

"i'll be alright iwa-chan, don't worry."

"are you sure? you're coughing pretty bad."

"yeah, i think i just caught a cold."

"well, alright then... if something happens to you tell me immediately, if you don't i'll beat you up."

oikawa let out a small chuckle.

"i'll make sure of that iwa-chan."

now, in any other situation, that would have made oikawa's heart flutter, and his stomach burst with butterflies, but in this situation, he didn't think he could feel that at the moment. his head was aching, not because of studying, hell, he hasn't even started studying yet, but because of coughing so much in a short amount of time.

his throat felt dry, sticky with blood and itchy from small thorns. his study desk was littered with small petals of hydrangea flowers, a few thorns sticking out. his eyes felt droopy and tired all of a sudden, as if he was ready to pass out.

he shook his head.

'i can study tomorrow early in the morning' he thought to himself as he grabbed a bottle of water from his study desk. he drank a few gulps, his face scrunching up in pain as he felt the thorns scratch at his throat.

"hey, iwa-chan, is it fine if we just study tomorrow early in the morning? i'm feeling kinda tired now"

"wha- i dont think you haven't even studie-"

"yes? okay, thank you iwa-chan. i'll see you tomorrow" oikawa hurriedly left the call, as to avoid any questions or remarks from iwaizumi.

a few seconds later, a faint, calm ding ringed through his room. he peeled his eyes open to look at his computer.

iwa-chan! ʕ￫ᴥ￩ʔ (sent at 12:52 AM, February 25th)

[oi, get some rest. you don't need to study early in the morning, just try to remember what you can and write it down. drink water before you go to bed lazykawa. goodnight.]

the message read. oikawa smiled faintly, glancing at his dirty study desk.

"i'll sleep in a bit. for now, i have to clean this mess.." oikawa muttered, standing up and scooping the petals in his arms. this is going to be a pain.

by the time the exam days have ended, oikawa was exhausted. there were bags under his eyes, and his coughing was getting worse. iwaizumi didn't show it, but he worried for his friend.

"oi, oikawa! have you eaten yet?" oikawa stopped in his tracks, his head slowly turning to iwaizumi.

"uhm, no? why? is it lunch yet?"

"dumbass, what do you mean 'is it lunch yet'?! didnt you hear the bell ring?" oikawa blinked. the bell rung?

oikawa squinted his eyes and slowly shook his head.

iwaizumi sighed. 'how much sleep has this dumbass been getting? 2 hours?' he thought, pinching the bridge of his nose.

"sorry iwaizumi. i just have not been feeling well these past few days." oikawa smiled up at him tiredly.

iwaizumi was stunned. 'iwaizumi?' he thought, surprised. the name almost felt foreign to hear, even though it was the name he was born with, the name that almost everyone has called him with.

it felt weird to hear, because oikawa had only called him that when they first met. iwaizumi furrowed his eyebrows.

"iwaizumi?" he parroted his thoughts, looking oikawa in the eyes as if he could see right through him.

"what, isn't that your name?"

"well, it is, but....you never call me iwaizumi. it's always iwa-chan or something" iwaizumi had muttered, tapping his knuckles on oikawa's shared table. oikawa smiled.

"aweeee, is iwa-chan sad that i don't call him iwa-chan anymore?" oikawa chuckled, lazily hooking his head on his hand to rest for as he gazed up at iwaizumi.

"wha- are you dumb?! i was just worried about you, you asshole!" iwaizumi raged, snapping at oikawa.

oikawa let out a weak, hearty laugh.

“yeah, i know."

it had been 2 long weeks. the petals have grown to be half of the hydrangea, the thorns bigger than before, and there started to be much more blood then the first few times he'd cough up petals. iwaizumi had been checking on oikawa almost everyday, sending him messages, calls, and voice mails. all that iwaizumi knew of oikawa's situation was that oikawa was getting sicker as the days went.

he felt like his brain was rotting, slowly turning to nothing but dust.

oikawa had have this happen happen to him before, the feeling of waves of tiredness constantly crashing down his body, his brain felt like it was melting, his legs felt like jelly, his head spinning, making his head hurt like hell.

he scratched at his throat, and hissed when he itched it for a moment too long. his room was a mess. petals scattered around with the occasional blood, and a few thorns stuck to some of the petals.

oikawa sighed. he hasn't had the energy to clean his room for a couple weeks, always feeling so nauseous and heavy whenever he got home from school. oikawa groaned, moving to lay down on his side to try and get some sleep before he started coughing up again. maybe he could get some rest before he-

the doorbell rang.

oikawa froze.

and his blood ran cold.

fuck.

he slowly sat up, gripping the futon in between his hands until his knuckles turned white. he looked around his room, seeing the mess of everything.

he let out a small groan, praying, begging to whoever was up there that it was just a delivery guy that his mom had sent to give him food.

when he got up from his futon, muttering barely even a whisper; "coming" as the doorbell impatiently rang a second time, dragging his feet to his front door, and peeking through the peep hole.

he wanted the ground to swallow him up whole.

standing there, in all of his glory, outside in casual wear was iwaizumi, holding on to a steaming plastic bag of his favorite milk bread that was bought in the small corner store in the neighborhood oikawa lived in.

"ugh, what is taking that lazykawa so long to answer the door" he heard iwaizumi mutter, before he moved to ring the doorbell once more, the sound ringing throughout his house.

oikawa froze in his place, a small blush climbing to his cheeks. he shook off the feelings and lightly patted his cheeks, calming his racing heart down before he made a move to turn the knob of the door.

when the door opened, he peeked outside, looking up at iwaizumi, then down to what he was holding, then back up at iwaizumi. this continued on for a few seconds, iwaizumi slowly growing on an irk mark as it pressed on.

"oi! aren't you gonna let me inside?!" iwaizumi questioned, his patience growing thin. he noticed oikawa froze to stare up at him, then slowly look back at his house, then quickly looking back up at iwaizumi.

"what, you got a fuck buddy hiding in there? tell them that i don't care and that to leave, you're sick"

"pfft-" he heard oikawa chuckle, before he looked back up at iwaizumi with an amused glint in his eyes, his cheeks tinted a rosy pink from the joke that iwaizumi made.

they stared at each other for a few minutes, a small smile playing at their lips.

"so are they gone now? can i come in? come on i don't want my ass to freeze here"

"pfft, iwa-chan, come on, you of all people should know that i don't have a fuck buddy cause i'm not that type of person."

"yea, yea, i know, but what's taking you so long to let me in anyway? your food is getting cold." oikawa stared at the plastic bag in his friend's hands, the steam slowly clearing. oikawa frowned, then lead his eyes away from the bag to stare up back at his friends eyes.

"my house is a mess."

"and? so is mine. we've both seen each others house and we know it's similar to a pigsty." even when iwaizumi made a joke, oikawa didn't laugh, or even crack a smile. a frown still tugged on the setter's lips, which made iwaizumi sport on a frown too.

"it can't be that bad, i'm sure my place is dirtier than yours anyway. just let me in, i don't want your food to be cold when you eat it." with a hesitant glance to his house and back at iwaizumi, oikawa slowly opened the door, stepping aside to let his visitor in.

iwaizumi took off his shoes, placing them neatly to the side while he placed the plastic bag beside him on the floor so he could work on his shoes. once he stood up to his full height, he picked up the plastic bag and took a quick look around the house.

"it isn't that bad, what do you mean it's a mess?"

"i meant my room. i haven't cleaned it ever since i got sick" iwaizumi nodded, going to the kitchen to place the bag of food on the kitchen counter. oikawa happily hopped to the bag, muttering a small "thank you" and "itadakimasu" before biting into the bread. a satisfied hum left him buzzing, already grabbing a second one to munch on.

iwaizumi lingered his stare on oikawa for a second too long, a small smile gracing his lips before he turned away and gazed at the hallway leading to the bathroom and oikawa's room.

the door to oikawa's room was opened wide, and while oikawa was busy chomping down the food that iwaizumi had bought him, iwaizumi made his way to oikawa's room, intending to close the door, but when he got there, a small, pink, almost white petal greeted him just outside of oikawa's room, a few, maybe 6, was scattered outside of oikawa's room.

iwaizumi raised an eyebrow. flower petals? outside oikawa's room? he wondered. when he crouched to pick them up and throw them away, blood was next to the petals. iwaizumi's eyes widened.

blood? who's blood?

his eyes trailed, following the blood which lead straight to oikawa's room. the room was lit up, which made it easier to see. in oikawa's room, scattered petals, thick thorns, some dangerously thin you can barely see them, and blood. some blood on his sheets, on the floor, his study desk.

oikawa peeked a head out of the kitchen to check where iwaizumi had gone to, and when he saw him just outside his room, staring straight at him with wide eyes and a pale face, that he knew right then and there, that iwaizumi hajime had known.

they sat in thick silence in oikawa's living room, sipping on the warm tea that iwaizumi had made for the both of them. oikawa wondered when was the last time he had drank tea. it soothed his throat, and calmed his nerves. but not calm enough.

he heaved a cough deep in his chest and covered his mouth with his hand, catching the petals, thorns, and blood on his hand.

oikawa winced as he opened his hand, staring down at his hand that was full of thorny, bloodied, petals.

iwaizumi watched his expression with a frown, and turned his gaze to look at his friend's hand. he furrowed his eyebrows. iwaizumi knew that oikawa was a total love sick person, dreaming about having a girlfriend, possibly a boyfriend before high school ended. he stood from his seat and went to the bathroom to throw away the petals and wash his hands. when he came back, they sat in silence once again.

oikawa traced the rim of the cup with his finger, staring into the contents of the cup with an emotion that iwaizumi could not pin down. iwaizumi stared into his own cup, looking at his reflection as he blinked back the tears that was daring him to spill.

iwaizumi sighed.

"so how long"

"....which one?"

"how long since you've known."

"maybe a month or two ago."

".....how long?"

"......2 weeks tops"

iwaizumi grimaced. thats so little time.

"get surgery"

"no"

"why?"

"i'd rather die loving the person i fell in love with rather than dying a pitiful, long, unlovable death, iwa-chan."

he was right there.

"who is it?"

"you'll get mad if i tell you who."

"i wont"

"next time"

iwaizumi grimaced once more. when is 'next time'? when he's 6 feet under?

iwaizumi gazed up at his friend with glassy eyes, while oikawa just stared bitterly at his cup. iwaizumi looked back down, clasping his hands together.

"alright. next time it is."

iwaizumi stared longingly at the smiling picture of oikawa atop his coffin, tears brimming his eyes as he stared longer.

he averted his gaze to the ground, tears rolling down his cheeks and dropping down to the floor.

he promised oikawa that he wouldn't cry in his funeral, and instead make embarrassing jokes about him, and when oikawa laughed, saying it would piss his family off, iwaizumi couldn't care less. he wanted to make oikawa's funeral light hearted, the way he wants it to be. but he himself can't even mutter up a single word, trying to choke up his sobs as he covered his mouth with his hand.

he could imagine oikawa laughing at him in wherever he ended up in, saying that he sounded so cocky and sure of himself when he uttered bullshit to his face about his funeral as they planned it in their heads, but now he's just a crying mess, the funeral that he and oikawa planned the night before he died long forgotten as his chest tightened up, and his eyes blurred the colors and details of the world.

iwaizumi was tapped on his shoulder by his team mate, catching his attention as he looked up with fat tears rolling down his cheeks like waterfalls.

"i-iwaizumi-san... it's your turn to speak." kindaichi mumbled, holding back tears of his own. iwaizumi let his eyes wander to the front as he nodded numbly to kindaichi's words. he didn't want to speak. his throat closed up, and his hands became clammy, his heart beating out of his chest, head spinning as a headache rolled in.

he looked back down to the ground, and clenched his fist. he made his way to the front, dragging his feet behind him as he tried to collect his thoughts and words to make a speech.

once he was there, he stared. with a troubled, and lost expression, iwaizumi started speaking.

"hey, iwa-chan?"

"hm?" iwaizumi hummed, playing with the strands of oikawa's hair.

"remember when you asked me who it was?"

"yeah. are you going to tell me now?" iwaizumi questioned, grabbing oikawa's hand and playing with his fingers.

"well, you might get mad."

"i get mad at everything you do, tooru."

"so you're going to get mad when i say that i got the hanahaki disease because of you?" oikawa questioned his friend, grasping at iwaizumi's hand and holding it in his.

iwaizumi froze.

he tightened his grip on oikawa's hand.

"well,"

iwaizumi started off, hesitant in picking his words

"i cant....get mad at you for having feelings." oikawa brought their interlocked hands to his lips. iwaizumi could feel oikawa smile against his hand as he placed a chaste kiss on the exposed skin.

"why not?"

iwaizumi stayed silent, carefully watching oikawa's movements.

when oikawa turned his head to look at iwaizumi, his cheeks flared pink.

"w-what the hell are you staring at, iwa-chan?" oikawa fumbled, squeezing iwaizumi's hand. iwaizumi squeezed back as a response.

"ugh, i hate you so much" iwaizumi grumbled, holding oikawa's head in place as he planted a barely there kiss on top of his forehead.

iwaizumi didn't know why, but a memory of him and oikawa laying down on the couch, limbs tangled together in a mess had played while he was speaking.

if oikawa was here to see iwaizumi's little speech he'd laugh his stupid laugh that iwaizumi had grown accustomed to, finding comfort in his little wheezes and squeaks whenever he laughed. he would laugh at iwaizumi's sappy speech, telling him to cheer up because they're going to get his favorite food later after this is finished.

iwaizumi just bitterly chuckled at that thought.

'if'

'if is such a dumb word.' iwaizumi thought, folding his hands in front of himself as he went back to his spot before.

he thought, he could feel oikawa's presence by his side. he thought he could see oikawa's smile as he side hugged iwaizumi. he thought he could hear his low chuckle as he made a small joke about how ugly iwaizumi looked while he was crying. he thought he got a glimpse of oikawa's dumb brown hair that always looked to be in great condition no matter what. he thought he could feel him.

he thought.

.....

iwaizumi hated it here. it felt suffocating. felt like everyone was hogging up all the oxygen and leaving none for him.

so he left early.

he walked down the street, lifelessness showing clearly in his eyes. the people walking around him bumped into him, some not bothering to say sorry, some even yelling at him but he could care less.

he pulled his scarf closer to his nose, burying his head deeper into the folds of the soft cotton. he weakly huffed, eyes searching the busy street of cars for something. was it oikawa he was searching? he didn't know either.

his eyes lingered on a street lamp before wandering again, slowly blinking. eyes stopping dead on a figure in the middle of the street.

"iwa-chan!" oikawa waved, smiling brightly at iwaizumi.

iwaizumi's eyes lit up, his feet moving on its own.

he choked down a sob as he walked towards oikawa.

walking turned to jogging.

and jogging turned to running.

"shittykawa, what are you doing there! you'll get hit!" iwaizumi let out a cracked chuckle, finally a few inches away from him. he reached out to him, but oikawa dodged, laughing as he ran away from iwaizumi.

"come catch me if you can, iwa-chan!" oikawa challenged, running towards the other end of the street.

iwaizumi's eyes dilated. no, he couldn't lose oikawa again.

"t-tooru wait, no, please, don't leave me again!" iwaizumi desperately called, running after oikawa. the said person laughed giddily, turning to iwaizumi and opening his arms.

"come home iwa-chan! i miss you" oikawa managed a smile, his eyes shining brightly as iwaizumi stared into them.

"home...haha...sure, tooru." iwaizumi panted, hanging his arms around oikawa's waist.

oikawa placed his chin atop iwaizumi's head and wrapped his arms around iwaizumi's shoulders, shielding his sight from the incoming truck.

"yeah. you're home now, hajime."

ah, how cruel life is.

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m4rkiza · 3 years

Text

another headcanon

this feels like a fanfiction but anyway,

leon and raihan is a pretty healthy couple.when theyre in the middle of an argument,if one raise their voice just a bit,the other backs off and suggest to take a few hours,even days to cool down, and then talk about it when theyre calm and is able to think straight to avoid unwanted events.

and currently theyre in the middle of an argument,theres a rising problem in the league,and them being the top trainers with equally great intelligence, theyre expected to solve it

theyve been arguing because when theyre discussing about how to solve it,theres a ...quite serious disagreement , which led into a debating session,so they decide to have time to think about it by themselves instead of discussing about it,just for a day or two.

but theres another problem rising,which came from a different source, a pokemon breeding centre,theres some issue with dragon type pokemon,leon expect raihan to be the only person whos expected to help,but because leon has 2 on his team,he was asked to help raihan. sadly he cant decline the request.

theyre in the middle of their “argument” but that doesnt matter of course,since both got an email to help the breeder to solve the pokemon breeding issue,they push their personal problems aside and try to discuss about it,which sadly led into another debating session. both decide to stop and sit down

raihan lets out a sigh “3 days?”

“..sure i guess” leon answer hesitantly,both actually cool off easily and they certainly dont need 3 days to just cool down and think. 3 days without raihan is too long afterall,but leon assume that maybe,he had pushed the wrong buttons and just agree to avoid another conflict,which wont happen.he knows raihan, but he rather not

raihan tilts his head “you look hesitant, 2 days maybe? ive already set up papers to solve the other problem we had,so i guess 2 days is enough,how about you?”

leon looks up to raihan, “i already figure out yesterdays solution too, so... 2 days? then we discuss about the league issue,then suggesting it to the staff?”

raihan nodded “yes,then we discuss about this and gave the result to the pokemon breeding centre”

leon agrees, finally,an agreement.

the next day comes, leon suddenly has an appointment out of nowhere,oleana certainly didnt tell him about this,and now,leon is sorrounded by hellspawns.

hes in the local kindergarten,which is not bad, but this kindergarten hits different,leon has lost count of kids whos trying to stole his cap and pull his cape off. heck,even one kid almost peed on him.

once hes free from hell,he really wants to reunite with raihan,but theyre on their...relationship break? he doesnt even know what its called because its really rare for them to argue.

but because leon is on the edge of bursting out,he decide to just,take a quick shower to make himself look presentable,and flew to hammerlocke

he arrives at the gym, walking through the hall,being guided by one of the gym trainer,to raihans office. his eyes is already glassy with tears.

he entered raihans office, raihan is there, sitting on the couch with paperworks,he move his head to meet leon,eyes wide when he see a familiar purple hair

“leon? do you want to discuss it now? ive cooled down and i al-”

leon lets out a mewl,a sad one. which surprises raihan. raihan stared at him,brows furrowing,he noticed leons golden eyes were glistening “wait-” he got up,walks his way to leon “dandelion,darling” oh how leon has been craving to be called that, “whats wrong? did i do something-”

“i had a surprise appointment today” leon croak out “i- oleana didnt told me about it-” did he just sob? “i wasnt prepared and we went to a fucking place filled with tiny demonic creatures” he leans in to raihans comforting touch “worst than giratina and darkrai, id prefer to hang out with them rather than those- those kids” leons sobs got more violent “they- they were trying to stole my champion hat and tried to pull of my cape,which almost choked me,dragon”

raihan concerns starts to grow faster when leon called him dragon,since leon only use that particular nickname when he feels unsafe or when hes super stressed out.

“i- i almost cried in place, i was tired for- figuring out the solutions and we had 2 debate in a span of one week, we, we rarely argue dragon,” leons grip on raihans arm got tighter,”those kids” raihan can see pure fear in leons eyes “hit the spot,one- one of them almost peed on me raihan,im glad one of the teacher grab them fast enough,i wouldnt know what id do if that actually happened”

raihan hold leon tight,then make him to sit down on the couch, leon didnt let go of raihan when raihan wanted to take a cup of water, he asked raihan to stay and hold him more, raihan cant blame him,that kindergarten IS basically hell and he doesnt understand how the teacher can withstand those tiny demons, this week has been hectic too,he cant blame leon really,he felt bad about initiating one of the debates but,i guess that doesnt matter anymore when theyve found the solutions.

leon is now on his lap,hugging raihan by the shoulder sobbing quietly. all raihan can do is hugging leon back,making sure he feels safe.

after the sobbing had died down,raihan asks leon

“lee?baby?” raihan calls out, leon lets out a mumble, “let me handle the pokemon breeding issue yeah? its about dragon type afterall,i can do it myself,im just gonna take your typed out suggestions and take care of it by my own,about the league issue,lets just combine our solution and come with a neutral conclusion, is that okay darling? or do you want to discuss about it tomorrow? we can stay in my place if you want”

leon slowly repositioned his body to face raihan,he nodded “yeah, okay,ill let you take care of the breeding centre,but dont overwork yourself raihan, about the league,lets just combine our solutions,it does feels irresponsible though,they expect us-”

“leon,my dearest,lets think about YOU for awhile,the league aint shit,my love,how do you feel about it?” raihan cuts off

“...i..personally,i dont want too..” leon looks down, he wants to give the best for the league,but raihan is right,he needs to prioritize himself just for tonight,so he can give the best to the region tomorrow morning

“there you go,now- let me just-” raihan proceed to carry leon, as if hes a baby,leon just dont give a single fuck at this point,he just want to sleep like a rock for 8 hours,he leaned and put his head near raihans neck,looping his arm around raihans shoulder tighter,hes grateful raihan is big and strong enough to carry a 80kg bulky man like he is

“dragon,love” leon mumbled right next to raihans ear, “im..sorry i initiated the breeding center debate,i .. i shouldnt even argue with you,you knew so much more”, raihan kissed leons head, “no worries baby,i dont mind,you are a bit...selfish sometimes,but its okay,its not like im far from that either,since im the one who started to argue about the league issue,despite me not knowing much about it,im sorry about that too”

leon answered “so we good?”

raihan smiled, “always been”

leon hugged raihan tighter and closed his eyes,trusting his dragon that he will take care of him,when leon opened his eyes,hes already in a familiar place,raihans apartment,to be more specific,hes on the bed,wearing one of raihans t-shirt and...his own pajama pants? raihan is currently putting socks on his left feet,raihan noticed that his prince has woke up, “go back to sleep,ill keep you safe,i wont let rose or oleana to put their hands on you” leon looked at him “but how about you?im not gonna have a day off tomorrow if youre not sitting next to me,whats the point of a single day off if 1 of my favorite person isnt there next to me?”

raihans got surprised “wait how did you know i told them to give you a day off?” leon smiled “instinct”

raihan chuckled while crawling to the bed,setting himself next to leon, “i didnt enter hell today so i dont need one” he teased, leon hugs raihan by the waist,giving it a firm grip “raihan my precious dragon, love,sweetheart,im begging you to stay, please,im not fully sane yet,i need you to keep me on the ground,and dont commit a genocide,raihan pleaaase,do your work at home-” raihan cuts him off “no! you’d help me with it! you need to rest,prince!” raihan answered with a laugh, leon tighten his grip “but i need you! how can you leave me alone and insane like this! how dare you!” leon said,mimicking his voice to sound like a dramatic damsel in distrest

raihan obeys,of course he will,hes actually on the edge too,the breeders are plain out stupid and its no wonder that the dragon type mons had an issue,they shouldve put the baby on HIS breeding center instead,he knows well about it anyway,who the heck brought the baby dragons there?! not to mention how they act like they know more than raihan,the dragon tamer,the only certified dragon type specialist in the whole region. raihan was so fed up,the paperwork from the gym arent helping either,he got 3 helping hands and it overwhelms them all,he guess he should give the whole gym trainer just a single day break to sleep the whole day and get themselves charge. and so he did,he typed out a short email to all the gym trainers,that they will have a day off tomorrow,

leon smiled in satisfaction as raihan typed out the email on his phone,he knew raihan was close to murder someone too,,but knowing raihan,he wont take a day off if leon told him too. but raihan WILL do it,if leon beg raihan to stay with him,hes concerned about it and might talk about it, that he should prioritize himself and not his lover,but not definitely not now,nor later.someday probably.

after raihan sent the emails,he turned off the bedside lamp, and proceed he put his head on leons plump chest, “alright,nighty night prince,i love you”

leon put his hand on top of raihans head,petting it gently“night dragon,i love you too”

then they sleep.

#okay this might be a fanfiction #but i had fun !#i hope you do too #pls dont get tired of my habit #heehee #raileon #raihan x leon #kbdn #kibadan #truerivalshipping #gym leader raihan #champion leon

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chumpmagump · 3 years

Text

24 things you've learned about your 24th year on this planet. 1. After having lots of trouble with love and loss, I've learned I will be ok. Remember you are growing into the woman you are are piece by piece.. reclaiming the person you were before the rest of them thought it was okay to take you away from yourself and you thought it was okay to let them. Many will come and go, but you dont have to lose a piece of yourself with them. Be strong, don't let them. 2. It is okay to love someone but not like them. It is okay to have compassion and empathy yet still hold your ground that you deserve better treatment. Compassion is not synonymous with lack of boundaries. 3. After talking to your therapist and doing some hardcore reflection you know you show traits of bipolar disorder or borderline personality. Your therapist thinks its bipolar, you're pretty sure its BPD.. this hurts because BPD is stigmatised to the shit house - you would almost rather have bipolar. You work in a hospital where BPD presentations are rampant and you diagnose them in your assessments a lot. Your coworkers like to say things like '' we got another borderline up in ED...'' as if its a massive inconvenience. You feel kind of weird being a 'quiet' borderline because you function quite well but know you have this fucked up secret that you keep from others for fear of judgement. Your behaviour isnt affecting your functioning enough to warrant a diagnosis. But that doesnt mean your experience isnt true. You're good at recognising when your triggered and where it originates from, and actively pull back more and more from impulsive decisions. You can sit with your emotion at times and you've stopped abusing phenergan and have been self harm clean for almost a year now? so yay for you regulating more of yourself! 4. You realise searching for validation only leads to experiences of invalidation. Stop doing it. 5. You're good at empathising to a point where you find it hard to be angry at others for long, you sometimes tolerate too much because you can reason with the persons reasoning for acting the way they are. You shouldnt mistake this for respect, because its not. You still need self-respect. 6. Making spontaneous choices has led to some new experiences, like changing jobs, moving towns, meeting new people. You've learned you've missed out a lot in your last 5 years of 20 hood because of fear of rejection/anxiety/ unsafe situation phobia. but now thats all you want to do, you fear staying static for too long more than you do change. You're ready for new exciting things. 7. Friendships matter way more than romance ever will. Build your friendships and you will always feel connected and OK no matter what the status of your dating life is. 8. Going for solitude car trips with your music blaring, singing meaningfully, on a road in the dark to no particular, with no particular deadline is your muse. You spend a lot of time in your thoughts and with yourself, and sometimes you imagine being in company when the loneliness hits. But funnily enough when company does finally arrive, you yearn for the space you had with yourself. Honour that time. 9. What you make of this life literally doesnt fucking matter. You will be born again. You will never get another chance to be in this body, with this family, with these friends, in this place, at this time though. Do whatever you can to enrich your experience and dont worry about if other people are having a better time. Concern yourself with your own experience. 10. You validate yourself. Stop asking your friends what you think you should do about a situation, dont feel the need to tell them every situaiton thats going on with you to hear their perspective. Listen to your own voice. You dont listen to her enough. 11. You dont actually have to put up with people being rude to you anymore, you can voice that things bother you. You're not quite there when it comes to friends you dont know too well.. or family you know blow up easily, but you're less of a people pleaser somewhat and i'm proud

of you for that effort.

12. You realise you need to stop seeking validation that others have hurt you. If it hurts it hurts. Simple as that. 13. Trust a person by their actions waaaaaaaaaaaay more than their words. And give a person 6 months. They tend to send their representative first for a while. 14. Sometimes you dream up people without knowing first who they are. Its ok to do this but don't be surprised when they dont fit the version you had of them in your head. Sometimes living in fantasy is far more intoxicating than what comes to fruition. Sometimes i wish i only knew some people for the period of time where they were warm to my heart.

15. Keep going to therapy, its doing amazing things and slowly but surely helping you change your procedurally learned patterns of behaviour including the desire and panic to want to fix social relationships that sometimes shouldnt be fixed. If someone did something shitty to you, and they are upset with YOU , for whatever reason- this does not mean what they did to you is void. It may even mean they are deflecting and gaslighting you. Get out of there and you know dont like goodbyes of any kind. so in this case slowly drop off contact. 16. people cant read your mind with how your feeling, so tell them.. what they do with that information is on them after that.

17. you dont have to take pictures of everything. You will remember the experience more if you dont. 18. Drink your damn coffee!! its not going to stain your teeth anymore. you are so diligent with your skin and teeth care, you deserve to live a little.

19. Dont have sex with friends, just dont. its messy.

20. Just because someone doesnt choose you, doesnt mean you arent good enough. It means they're blind, theyre not meant for you, or better doors are opening. Sometimes you need to shut a few doors for some to open. Trust the process. 21. Its time to start doing the things yu have said you were going to do for years. Its time to sign up for that dance class, its time to start writing again (and you have been!), its time to start stretching (and you have been!), its time to finish your courses (and you have been chipping away!). The best thing is you are so motivated right now to do all of these things. They no longer feel like words, they feel like happenings. 22. Your body and mind is so much stronger than you think. You are managing a 23 + caseload, and working across emergency and intake. You sometimes dont have a lunch break and work 9 hour days at times. You still have the ability to relay information and type notes at great speed, connect with clients at a great depth and come to eat, shower and have been dedicating time to study and friends. Your body is a machine, and you are so much more robust than you give yourself credit for. People look at you and see a small petite typical white girl, but you are strength! 23. You have learned sex can be a safe and very enjoyable experience this year very recently. Even though the partner turned out to be a careless character emotionally within the friendship, you were able to experience what it was like to be that connected with someone sensually in such an intense way which was a first for you. Now you know what kind of sex you like - well you always did but now you know it exists. Good for you.

24. You spend the most time by yourself with yourself. Validate your own experiences and try to interrupt the fantasy that you should be waiting for someone else to enhance or witness it. i know you like to think about what it would be like to sing in the car with someone next to you, or to laugh about a ridiculous vine and hear someone elses laughter drown out your own, or to dance around your house and have someone watch you in awe... but its okay to be your own witness. This is one is probably the hardest ones of them all... All you've ever wanted is to feel seen. You fantasize about it all time, you live in fantasy because atleast you can always feel seen there. You're not so sure if you put yourself out there you'll leave feeling more discarded and invisible than before. This way its safer. It's time to witness you. It's time for 25. A year full of spontaneity, new experiences, enhanced friendships, self validation and enormous growth.

It's finally time to stop hiding from people, pleasurable experiences and desire.

It's time for 25.

#august 2021 #birthday #reflections #journal #25th

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sleevesareforlosers · 3 years

Note

aaaaaaau hello I Love that analysis you did about ur twitterverse's themes of reputation/perception, that's 100% something I picked up on while reading it and it was one of my fav parts! I was also wondering though if you had anything to say about twitterverse cherri's relationship with waveriding? that was another element of the story I was enamored by just cause it seemed almost religious to it, which was in Huge contrast to how nearly every other character viewed waveriding. and besides just cherri's personal relationship/views with waveriding, I was Also wondering how it feels about other people's views on all that too? (is it only insulted on its own behalf? does it feel insulted on the sun's behalf as well? etc?)

okay ive been thinking abt this all day NOW im ready to go

so yeah, cherri does have a really different relationship to waveriding than even other waveheads. calling it religious is probably right, like when it thinks about the sun its "Her" and "She" and its always capitalized as a bit of a, if not worship then at least reverence type thing. She's important to cherri and it respects Her. I dont know how many other waveheads do that? like theres the same kind of physical effects, trance, etc, and that gets addictive, but the thing thats different is that cherri percieves its way of seeing with its eyes closed as a function of its waveriding. it thinks She took its ability to see in low light and gave it that instead.

Fact of the matter is, the sun is the sun, like theres no power or anything that it has and other waveheads dont have that same benefit that cherri does. thats partly a phoenix witch/destroya thing, partly a just "cherri is a little off" thing, but it doesnt know that its alone in having this ability. thats why it can still See when its in the city and the sun isnt there and Her power doesnt reach into the city. theres other types of power in the city. but it doesnt know this, so its waveriding has gone from a purely physical sun trance/high (as it is with other waveheads) to a religious thing because of this association that cherri has given it. the physical effects are still there obvs and it is like. addicted to that, but even then it interprets its cravings as the sun "calling to it", not as what they really are.

I dont know if it would've developed/been given that seeing ability if it hadn't started waveriding. its a pipeline of the contracted pupils from the constant sun exposure -> straining to see in the dark -> the witch heals it when she sends it back and thing slip through sometimes. probably other waveheads Might even develop that if they also got more than one death but again, thats pretty much just a cherri thing.

as for how it feels about other peoples opinions is like. it doesnt care. after like. everything abt its life cherri's only affected by a select few peoples opinions and like. newsie and chimp never chastise it for waveriding, they just work around it and make sure its still taking care of itself and if cherri went to them and was like 'i need to stop waveriding' theyd help but they arent gonna push it. doc and pony are pretty similar, but also theyre more removed from cherri's life and when they are all together theres something more pressing than the matter of cherri doing something its been doing since it was like ten. and ofc i've already talked abt how kobra doesnt bring up the waveriding one way or another and even if he did, the jury's still kinda out on how much cherri would be affected by his opinion. (im saying be affected by instead of care about bc i think cherri DOES care abt its reputation and stuff but not in a way that would affect its self-image or anything, a reputation is a good thing to care about and cultivate in the zones)

to sum up! yeah calling it a religious thing is right but then sun itself has no power other than radiation

#love saying 'i dont know' about shit in my own universe(s) that im creating #like ehh yeah idk i just work here #danger days #tlotfk #twitter cherri #twitterverse #addiction ment #like to be clear. cherri is an addict. i dont want that to get lost in the mysticism it and kobra are addicts and ghoul was and just #didnt go cold turkey when he started recovering #when and if (twitterverse vs regular canon) cherri quits waveriding it has to quit completely and work back up to limited sun exposure #anyway thank u val this was a fun one!#theultravs

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astralglam · 3 years

Text

𝐒𝐞𝐧𝐬𝐞𝐬 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐨𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫 𝐨𝐝𝐝𝐥𝐲 𝐬𝐩𝐞𝐜𝐢𝐟𝐢𝐜 𝐡𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐜𝐚𝐧𝐨𝐧𝐬 .

1. What does your muse smell like?

without soap or perfume, 683 smells bizarrely sterile, chemical-ish, like a dentist’s office, bleach or cleaning supplies. like hand sanitizer that kills 99.9% of germs. they have that faint smell of powdery clean cosmetics, only because they wear so much foundation, face powder and setting spray. humans like things that smell less artificial, so 683 takes to using cheap perfume (think a teenager who just learned to douse themselves with axe or bath and bodyworks spray), which is artificial in a slightly more palatable way. their clothes (which are almost all second hand) have that mothball-musty smell of a thrifted dress that hasn’t been washed yet, like an old book.

2. What do your muse’s hands feel like?

cold, frigid and icy, almost like a mannequin’s if you left the mannequin in the freezer. their skin is tight over their tendons and fingers, with almost waxy, plasticy skin stretched over their joints and knuckles, which makes them seem very fragile. sometimes their palms are uncannily clammy. their skin on their palms isn’t rough or calloused but they’re starting to get scars on their fingertips from their voyages into the realm of string instruments. they used to have very neat, clean and unpainted nails, but nowadays, they have divots and cracks because 683 is clumsy with the strings.

3. What does your muse usually eat in a day?

683 is often at the mercy of when their friends will decide to cook for them/buy them food. they don’t have any cooking skills and can barely wash and cut an apple (this isn’t because they’re stupid, on atomina they were used to communal dining with a designated set of people who cooked for everyone in their unit). 683 is naturally accustomed to eating plant matter and (unlike us humans) has a way better digestive system for breaking down cellulose and gets a lot more out of their vegetarian diet than you might expect (two stomachs aint for nothin). left to their own devices they just eat Whatever (orange? handfuls of spinach, unwashed, pesticides dont hurt them. microwave a tomato and watch it explode. brave cutting open an avocado and just eating it with a spoon). dinner is when priscilla either buys him take out or sid cooks something for him (and sid is an amazing cook!!!). sid isn’t vegetarian, but his family is, so he knows how to make all kinds of dishes perfect for 683 -- substitute the dairy for nondiary alternatives and 683′s getting matter paneer (with tofu instead), malai kofta (with coconut milk), and aloo gobi (no butter), all sorts of things !!!

4. Does your muse have a good singing voice?

sort of. 683′s voice, by itself, is nasally and weird and a little grating, but their devotion to music lets them make the most out of their “strange” voice and almost use it to their benefit to sound unique, different, super far out !11!11111 their lyrics, instrumentals and emotion combined is what makes them a talented musician rather than just a good quality voice. so while they might not have a very pretty voice, they’re still a skilled singer due to their delivery.

5. Does your muse have any bad habits or nervous ticks?

im assuming this is about bad (physical) habits rather than personality deficiencies (of which 683 has many). 683 stares, like, really just stares at people with reckless abandon, they havent figured out it’s rude. they arent good at even pretending to listen so if they’re disinterested in what you have to say, they’ll look elsewhere, pick at their nails, mumble or interrupt you. always finds a way to make the conversation about themself. very disorganized and messy, has a hard time taking care of objects even if they value them (ex. dropping his guitar, misplacing jewelry, yanking a belt off and breaking it). definitely self pities and has no problem trying to guilt you for everything and anything. is a pretty frequent smoker, but is polite enough not to smoke if you ask him not to.

683 is always a little nervous so their nervous ticks are just their baseline state of being (wringing hands, stammering, talking really fast, making insane gestures all around you but being too afraid to touch you, etc)

6. What does your muse usually look like / wear?

683 looks very put together at all times -- not necessarily polished or professional, but very intentional, in that you can tell they definitely made a conscious choice to dress the way they do. he wore the same dumb uniform every day for the first 20 years of his life, so he’s very excited to try new clothing options.

more femme-ish clothing preferences go to boxy, sleeveless a-line dresses, miniskirts, bright floral patterns, big plastic earrings, headbands, scarves, etc. they like clunky platforms and prefer to wear boots. very 60s mod and colorblocked. she loves bright eyeshadow but tends to go for more neutral lipstick. can never figure out what to do with her hair so she usually leaves it down or does a half-up half-down bun kinda deal.

more masc clothing preferences are bell bottoms, button ups with butterfly collars, paisley print, turtlenecks and fringe jackets, etc. earthy tones and weird nasty olive green. very late 60s / early 70s. prog rock flavor or glam rock flavor. never got into the disco style only because he cant pull it off because he’s so scrawny and twitchy and has no chest hair to impress the ladies.

one thing about 683 is that he hates tight long sleeves and goes insane if he has to wear them. his uniform was sleeveless, so even short sleeves feel really weird and horrible on his arms. prefers sleeveless, can do with short sleeves, 3/4ths sleeve or loose long sleeve, really tries to avoid tight/constricting long sleeves.

i have a pinterest board of potential fits for him although i havent updated it because i barely know how to use pinterest.

7. Is your muse affectionate? How much? How so?

to most people, not really, he’s kind of a weird cagey asshole. oscillates between fascinated with physical touch (suddenly wanting to hug his friends or snuggle with them or grabbing strangers when he’s trying to talk to them) to despising contact (cringes if you touch his hand when you pass him a cup). he didnt grown up with a culture very big on it, so he isn’t sure if he likes it or not yet.

to people he does care about, he tends to take his friends for granted but overperform affection for those he has romantic interest in. not that he doesnt also dearly love and adore his friends, he’s just not the best at expressing his care for them other than random bursts of kindness and dissolving back into his weird normal self. his understanding of romance has come from a very commercial, media-influenced place (he learns about it through television, novels and commercials, it’s not really inherent to his species) so he thinks romance is about buying flowers, holding hands, staring into each other’s eyes for three hours, etc. if he has romantic interest in you, he will constantly over and over again tell you how much he likes you and your company and you are soooo funny hahahhahhfhh, and will be unusually touchy (clings to your arm, sits RIGHT next to you, drops his head on your shoulder, etc).

8. What position does your muse sleep in?

683 didnt know what blankets were until he came to earth (or deep space nine) !!! his old room was perfectly temperature controlled and he already has a lower natural body temperature, so there was no need for blankets at all. human beds with big pillows and blankets are THE COOLEST, so he either curls up underneath a blanket with only the top of his head poking out or he sprawls out like a starfish to take advantage of as many pillows as possible. his special move is to roll up in the blanket like some kind of little alien lumpia.

he’s a fitful sleeper so if you sleep in the same bed as him, he’ll punch you or kick you on accident. he does appreciate company, though, and will also plaster himself up against you and leech your body heat with his weird cold body.

9. Could you hear your muse in the hallway from another room?

depends. they have a very average speaking voice and aren’t necessarily very loud (plus platforms dull footsteps), but if they were excited, they might raise their voice or yell or exclaim something. and then they’re very shrill, so yes, you would hear her.

Tagged by: @sampati im sorry i took like a week it was really fun i love to type letters and words on the computer Tagging: @dynaura or @pataparty (for whoever you want) / @phantombs / @ofgentleresolve (for lamon? or anyone you want, really!!) / @bystcrdust / @kyrieleisen / @baelends / @bup1957

#meme #tidbit #i can never keep 683's pronouns consistent and im too lazy to proofread this #keep your 'lectric eye on me ; queue

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jeagerism · 3 years

Text

i think im lost again

+ word count : honestly idek, ill take a guess at maybe nearly 700-800?

+ characters : levi ackerman, armin arlert, mentions of eruri and eremin (armin and levi r not shipped fuck out of here)

+ warnings : season 3 attack on titan spoilers, mentions of death, modern!au, levi is basically a dad without being a dad (does that make him a dilf??), angst i suppose

+ summary : erwin was always good at this, levi thinks. people stuck to him like glue.

+ author's note : this is just a personal modern!au headcanon that i ranted to a friend abt and decided to make it full out

in modern aus i see eren as looking up to levi, bc he ooks up to him in the manga in some ways, levi cares abt his wellbeing n shit

well armin, since he was chosen to live over erwin, he'd look up to erwin in a modern au

and when erwin dies in that au bc ofc he has to die, armin is still a teenager.

i like to think that they all lived in the same town as kids, and erwin always looked out for armin since he had no one else other than his friends.

he basically lets armin live with him when he's not with eren, who also has no family and sort of couch surfs between jean and sasha - sasha's dad loves eren for whatever reason so he stays there a lot, and welcomes armin and mikasa with him - and so erwin and armin r close

and levi is always around, so he sees armin a lot, even if he takes care of eren more - he lets eren stay at is house on nights when he feels like hes overstayed his welcome at sasha’s.

but levi still cares abt armin bc he sees how erwin cares abt armin and levi is in love with the blond facebook dad

but erwin died when armin is like 15, so he still needs someone to look out for him

and erwin asks levi to do that, bc he trusts him and knows levi would take care of him just like he had

anyways, he asks levi to take care of him and levi does

but armin is a 15 yr old who just lost yet another person who cares abt him

and even tho hes grateful that levi cares for him, he misses erwin so much.

he acts out bc of it bc hes a kid going through trauma and its what kids do. he starts acting even worse than eren and eren is a fucking demon spawn

armin and eren share a room, even tho levi had two empty rooms so they could have their own, and eren has stuff in the other room but armin doesn’t like the dark so eren stays there with him.

and levi isn’t really good at taking care of kids in the traditional way.

he wakes them up every weekday for school by telling them he'll kick their ass if he has to take them himself - but he'll still drive them when it rains or its cold

he doesnt really know how to cook bc erwin always did that, but his notes app is full of recipes erwin always recommended that were easy to follow bc he was always worried that levi always ate too much cold leftovers from days before and noodles

armin knows hot to cook pretty well bc erwin taught him but he enjoys laughing at levi failing at cooking simple shit - he burned water somehow

but levi still tries so its fine

he tries letting armin know hes welcome, and that he can ask for whatever he needs

he'll leave him lunch money on the counter

and when he notices armins jackets getting a little too short around the wrist he drops a new one by his lap when he sits on the couch

he pulls the blanket all the way to his chin if he falls asleep on the couch.

he'll mention he's going to get a haircut when he notices armin's hair getting longer, and says he can go with him if he wants

but armin still acts so off.

before erwin was gone, armin always acted happy, even though he never had much, and levi feels guilty knowing he cant do what erwin did for him, but he's doing this for erwin, and knows erwin wouldnt have put armin in his care in the first place if he didn’t trust him

i see taking care of armin as the task that keeps levi going, just like how killing zeke is what keeps him alive in the anime.

both promises he makes to erwin and wont give up on until he’s fulfilled it

but one day armin just disappears. he doesnt come back after school with eren like usual. so he and levi try calling him and get nothing. eren offers to go look for him and levi tells him to stay safe n waits back home to see if armin will show up there

and he does like 5 mins after eren leaves.

and levi feels his chest just deflate with relief. it was cold outside, and armin was out there alone.

his cheeks and nose r red from being outside for so long

when levi asks where he's been, it comes out harsher than he meant, but its just bc he was worried, and armin rolls his eyes and asks why it matters

levi tells him its bc he's a kid and doesnt get to just disappear without a trace whenever he wants. levi never minded armin doing whatever he wanted - within regulation - but most times he knew eren was with him, or mikasa, someone who would call him if something happened

and armin says “you're not my father.” and starts taking off his jacket and stuff

“yeah, but i am the person who's taking care of your ass.”

and that seems to make armin a little more ticked off than he already was, bc he turns to levi and says, “well i never asked you to do that.”

to which levi replies without thinking, “no but erwin did”

levi and armin never talk abt erwin, ever.

its like an unspoken rule between them. its not that they arent as comfortable with each other - they arent anyways but - they just dont do that, talk abt how they feel abt erwin, and him being gone

armin looks like hes gonna cry before he just says “well i wish it was erwin that was still here instead of you”

ALMOST AS IF HES SAYING HE WISHED IT WAS LEVI THAT DIED INSTEADDD

and levi is suprised that armin would ever, it hurts a little, and he just nods in agreement and says “me too.”

armin doesnt say anything back to it, he just turns and makes his way to his room, slamming the door behind him

and levi is exhausted. in his head he wonders how erwin had done it - balanced college and a job and a fucking teenager

but then he remembers that erwin was erwin, and hed always been good at that type of thing

people stuck to him like glue

thats the first night he lets himself admit that he misses him

he feels like he’s failing at the one thing erwin asked of him

when eren shows back up, levi apologizes for not letting him know that armin had came back

but eren just tells him that armin had texted him when he’d arrived - i have a hc that eren and armin were each others first crushes but uhebdbsi

he tells levi that armin had said hed went to the beach

erwin used to take armin to the beach all the time before he died

he’d collect shells with him, and the ones that armin really liked, he’d give them names

he still has one called smith from the last time erwin had taken him to see the ocean

a few weeks go by after that

they never really talked before, but now it seems almost even worse

the silence that they normally exist in feels empty

but everything felt empty without erwin

eren lets levi know where theyre going to be whenever theyre not home, when theyll be home, etc

levi never asked for him to do that, but he does it anyways

levi’s thankful for the near suicidal maniac at that point

even though he always was

he saw a lot of himself in eren, and he sees a lot of himself in armin too

levi and armin never really apologize to each other, but one night when levi’s attempting to cook, armin walks in the kitchen and watches him place things on a pan

“you’re putting them too close together.”

armin steps beside him and tilts his head to the side, as if hes gesturing for levi to move

and he does, letting the younger and taller boy move the prerolled croissants further away from each other on the baking tray

“they never wouldve cooked all the way through like that,” armin tells him

with a scoff, levi mumbles that he sounds like erwin

armin pauses for a second, before sliding the pan in the oven. levi tells him how long the packaging said they went on so that he can set the oven timer

armin sets it for two minutes longer, and levi’s heart aches

erwin did that, too

“i miss him”

it slips out without him meaning for it to

and he thinks he’s ruined armin’s head again, when he’s supposed to be someone this kid can look up to

but he doesnt leave

armin just leans against the oven and nods “me, too”

after that, things arent bad anymore

sure, it takes awhile for them to completely warm up to each other, but they manage

enough that armin sits in on levi’s cooking sessions just to point out what hes doing wrong - something that helps, bc pretty soon levi is learning

he cooks him, armin, and eren an entire meal without burning anything

eren laughs when armin tells him that the man had forgotten to grab an oven mit and had stuck his entire hand in the oven to grab a pan

levi raises his eyebrow when he notices the way armin blushes at eren’s laugh, of all things

and they talk abt erwin more

they have more to say about him that eren, and its just something the two of them share, so they tend to save it for little moments, tiny snippets of things that remind them of the blond

after about a year, things are good

armin asks to have his 17th birthday at the beach, and who would levi be to say no

levi doesnt particularly like the beach, he detests sand, but its for armin, so he’ll do it

its for his kid

him and erwins kid

at the party, he finds a smile coming to his face when he sees armin actually laughing and having fun

kid had been through too much hell at 17, so he deserved to be happy, even if it was only for a few moments

on their way home that evening, eren and armin passed out from a day of swimming and running on the beach - levi made the both of them bring extra towels to save his car seats from salt water and sand

eren’s head is on armin’s shoulder, and the blond’s is resting atop eren’s head

when they get home, the two of them trudge towards their room, but armin turns and holds his closed fist out to levi

with a raised eyebrow, levi holds his hand out and lets armin drop something into his hand, before the boy pivots and continues his shuffle to his and eren’s shared room

levi glances down at the object in his hand

its a shell

armin names it erwin

#attack on titan imagine #attack on titan #aot #snk #shingeki no kyojin #erwin smith #levi ackerman #armin arlert #eren yeager #snk imagine #aot imagine #shingeki no kyojin imagine #eruri #eremin #aot headcanon #snk headcanon #hc

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its-an-inxp-again · 3 years

Note

Hey

Idk if you ever got the answer to your thing. But I’m a person who is queer but regularly uses the term lesbian to make things simpler. I can tell you why I hate the phrase monosexual- it feels transphobic to me- I am not attracted to men at all, but I am attracted to women, non-binary folks, gender queer folks, and agender folks. If I was with a partner and they transitioned to be a man I would still love them. That wouldn’t change. Sexuality is fluid and calling someone monosexual seems to erase that and really put people in boxes. Everyone has exceptions. And as someone who has identified as bisexual and pansexual in the past and find those not to suit me and fit right (especially since I am not sexually/romantically attracted to people physically/based on appearances- it’s more about personality and what I could do with a person)

I don’t mean this in an antagonistic way, I really hope it doesn’t come off that way(I’m bad expressing myself sorry).

(I’m sorry, I know you’re not trying to be rude. My answer, however, will sound rude and upset because you touched upon some stuff that needs a lot of unpacking to me lmao. Just know this anger is not necessarily directed at you but at biphobia in general.)

Why do bisexual people may need to use the term monosexual?

A. It is descriptive

I see what you mean but as you said you're queer and lesbian is a term to make things simpler, right?

So I wouldnt call you monosexual because you’re clearly not attracted to only one gender (but if you want to who I am to stop you?). Monosexual is someone who is almost exclusively dating/is attracted to people of one gender. There are plenty trans people that are straight or gay that would NOT date a partner if they realized they were a different gender. For real: kat blaque made a video (here it is if youre interested) on youtube about this - she’s trans and she wants to date men and wouldnt feel comfortable on continuing dating if a partner of hers realized they were actually a trans woman all along. She wants to date guys not girls and that's FINE it just means A. She actually recognizes the girl gender, obviously B. She's straight af and that's wonderful! It’s not a box if that’s how her experience is and she likes it that way!

Also how is being monosexual transphobic? Cant a girl just like guys exclusively (both cis and trans) or like girls exclusively (both cis and trans)? It's not even enbyphobic since you dont need to be attracted to a person to support their rights. (Gay men arent attracted to women but can be 100% feminists.) Being open to fuck somebody is not the same as supporting their rights: fetishization is a thing. Again, I refer to the video Kat Blaque made.

Sexuality IS fluid but to some people (like me and you) it is more than others. Some people don’t feel comfortable dating people that dont fall into the gender theyre usually attracted to and thats 100% okay.

B. It helps in talking about biphobia and panphobia in society

Biphobia and panphobia are for the large part based on the assumption that you cant be attracted to more than one gender (not even non-binary and so on) and that if you do you're weird/disgusting/mentally ill/a sexual predator. I can tell you 100% that's the narrative both straight and gay people can and may perpetuate since I struggle w this kind of shit every single time Im attracted to someone no matter their gender (YES, EVEN IF THEY'RE A GUY, BECAUSE THE OTHER DAY I WAS ATTRACTED TO A GIRL AND NOW I FEEL LIKE A FUCKING ANIMAL THAT CANT CONTROL ITSELF, even though it makes NO sense because if it was two girls or two boys the actual number of people my hormones activated to wouldnt change, but it would make my experience not subjected to biphobia!). I’m not saying gay people are the same as straight people. But I do feel alienated BOTH from heteronormative society AND from (subtly biphobic) gay spaces because of my bisexuality. I costantly feel like I’m outside both of those worlds and you know how humans are: I just need a term to encompass it all easily, to say “I don’t identify with any of this” (which is both straight and strictly gay spaces: ie, monosexual). To me is literally the same as saying non-bisexual/non-pansexual.

I dont mean to say lesbians or gays have it easier or are just like straight people. But we do have different experiences and I need terms to express that. It honestly doesnt matter to me if you identify as lesbian or queer (though I think you’re implying you’re more queer than anything). But I do need a term to talk about how society at large treats sexuality; ie, as a monosexual thing. Another concept that’s been thrown around is bi erasure. A strictly monosexual society is bound to view a girl dating a girl (or girl presenting) as if theyre both LESBIANS and erase a queer person the moment they’re in a m/f relationship, because people cant COMPUTE that it may not be the case and that the girl dating a cis straight dude isnt betraying her queerness.To think so is basic biphobia.

In some ways, I think it’s the same as when transgender people started using the term cisgender - which is applicable to both straight people and queer/gay people. They simply needed a term which meant “not-trans” as they were saying “I dont identify with this” (ie the cisgender experience). Does it imply that cisgender people, no matter if queer, have something in common? Yeah, yeah it does. Does it imply that queer people are just the same as straight people, or face no oppression? Of course not. Seeing people being offended upon being called monosexual feels like people being offended upon being called cis to me.

Also, saying that the terms bisexual people use are transphobic is almost implying that bisexuality is inherently transphobic? Or reeks to me of that kind of rhetoric. I use the terms I need to use, just like any other marginilized group does, and nobody outside of that group has any right of denying me that. It’s like I’m trying to create a safe space for myself and people like me and yall come around to judge us YET AGAIN. And I'm just tired of hearing this bullshit. I could accept this kind of criticism only if it came from a trans person themselves, I guess? But it’s not usually trans people who accuse us of being transphobic, in fact, many trans people identify as bisexual and use bisexual terminology lmfao.

“Hearts not parts” rhetoric

Finally, about personality being superior to physical appearance. That's amazing but I do want to note that, not you necessarily, but many people who are into the “hearts not parts” rhetoric are, how can I say this. Slut-shaming people? I’m not sure if you are doing this but I feel it needs to be said just to be sure. A lesbian trans woman can be just attracted to a girl for her physical appearance and just want to fuck her - and THAT'S OKAY. That's fine. I am a sexually attracted to people and that doesnt mean I have to form a deep bond first. Sex positivity is about accepting that people can feel like this and not shame them for this. "Hearts not parts” rhetoric has in the past infantilized, sanitized or outright shamed other queer experiences. It's fine if you feel that way but dont start acting like you're morally superior because of that. That's catholicism with extra steps. My bisexuality its not the symptom of some predatory and animalistic thing that should be purified into something more palatable and less sexual. That’s the same thing they used to say about gay people and now gay (biphobic) people are using this against us. That’s also the kind of thing trans women (especially if they’re sapphic) constantly hear every fucking day. Queer people have a good part of their discrimination rooted in the shaming of purely sexual desires. Forcing ourselves to be more palatable and less sexual is just respectability politics. I’m tired of it. (This is obviously different from being on the asexual spectrum: but you dont see ace people going around pretending they’re morally superior than everybody else, and many are actually very sex positive) You would still love your partner if they were a different gender: that’s great, but that’s not how some (most) people feel, and they aren’t superficial because of this, just different from you.

Also, I think you’d really benefit from hearing a trans person say they don’t care if someone has genitalia preferences. Here it is. This obviously doesnt mean that every trans person will feel like she does, but it does mean that we can’t generalize trans experiences/preferences/what they feel transphobia is. Just like straight people dont get to say what’s homophobic or not, cis people dont get to say what’s transphobic or not. The definition of those terms relies entirely on the community that is targeted by these things.

I hope this wasnt excessively confusing but I wanted to make my point clear.

#ask #anon ask #sometimes i say stuff #tw biphobia #tw transphobia #tw panphobia #tw queerphobia #lgbt #lgbtqia

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chikkou · 3 years

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Will you talk more about Lisa?? Lisa the character specifically but also your feelings on his feelings about Buddy? I just thought your analysis was so good and I want to hear other thoughts you have on her.

yall are honestly spoiling me rn sdhkfdjfks this is like a dream come true

i already got into the stuff with buddy in this ask here but i have a LOT to say about lisa and the connection between her and buddy so u better settle in!

ok so firstly ill start with lisa. i played the original lisa game (lisa the first) not long after it first dropped in 2012, and im not even kidding when i said it changed me LMAO.... seeing a story about a girl suffering is nothing new, but austin jorgensens approach to it was so fucking unique. you dont just witness it, you get to EXPERIENCE it right along with her. many stories that involve sexual abuse/rape show or otherwise depict it explicitly for the shock value, which is both disgusting and, in my opinion, extremely fucking exploitative. i feel that it is horrific to dignify an act so deeply evil with screentime. but lisa stood out to me immediately because, even though you know exactly whats going on, the game NEVER shows anything explicit. everything is layered in subtext and symbolism, and austin is fantastic with indirect storytelling, so you learn so much from just a little drop of information. this applies not just to the game proper, but to the character as well.

in case its not clear: i absolutely ADORE lisa. she is my favorite character in all of the games, bar none. its going to sound kind of fucked up, but as a kid around her age going through some fucked up shit, her committing suicide at the end felt like a sort of victory to me. she knew she could never escape from marty or what he was doing to her. he leaks into every single part of her psyche, everything she ever cared about or loved is ruined because of him, and even the vague memory of her mother is completely corrupted, and turned into a muddled version of him. lisa the first also had the added benefit of some religious commentary, as there are crosses all over their home and marty is characterized as an extremely religious man, which i fucking LOVE and wish had come back in the painful, but its an acceptable loss. anyway, lisa committing suicide at the end was an act of defiance against not just marty, but martys god, as suicide is considered a mortal sin in catholicism. lisa knew she’d never be free of marty in life, so she escaped the only way she could; she was defiant to the end.

ive seen people complain that the painful has a bit of a “lost lenore” thing going on, since lisas death seems to fuel the Manpain of both brad and buzzo, but i actually disagree. on the contrary, its just like austin himself said - lisa will never be gone. lisa is ALWAYS there, with brad, and buzzo, and buddy, and marty, and yado, and the ENTIRE FUCKING WORLD. i dont necessarily think that there is something paranormal going on in the game, but i AM going to say that, unlike other cases of a girl/woman dying for a mans backstory, lisa isnt just a bittersweet memory they can reflect on and then put away when its convenient for them. she is a presence that is felt throughout the entire game. brad sees her more than once, sometimes watching, sometimes reprimanding him. buzzo is clearly haunted by her, as he cries out to her a few times in the joyful. every character who was directly touched by lisa - brad, marty, and buzzo - calls out to lisa as they die. call it their guilt or call it her actions, but in either case, it is clear that lisa just as significant of a character in the painful as she was in the first, even if she cant always be seen. even in a meta-sense, every game in the series - even the joyful, whose protagonist doesnt even know who she is - is named after her. she is at the center of everything that happens in them.

that actually brings me to buddy, because i find the dynamic between her and lisa fucking fascinating. as i previously mentioned, brad never talked about his past with buddy, and snaps at her for bringing up his adoptive son dusty (rando), so it goes without saying that she definitely doesnt know who lisa is. in spite of that, though, lisa is a fucking massive part of buddys life, and while she may not know the person herself, i think she is aware that when people (and brad especially) look at her, they arent seeing HER.

i mentioned it in another post, but even though brad takes it upon himself to raise and “protect” buddy, he seems to almost unwittingly recreate lisas appearance, primarily by allowing her hair to grow long even though he knows what a risk that is to her safety. he also treats buddy in a manner thats incredibly similar to how marty treated lisa (sans sexual abuse, of course) - he insults her, does not let her leave the house at all, and forces her to do unsavory things that no one should ever have to do (in buddys case, this means killing at least two innocent people because brad doesnt want a “weak” daughter). the most literal comparison between buddy and lisa is the fact that they are both very young girls being essentially held captive by their father figures, albeit for different reasons, and both long for freedom from their captors.

theres also the fact that both buddy and lisa have to deal with misogyny and the effects of rape culture firsthand; they both battle against men who feel entitled to do with them whatever they please, and the threat of ongoing sexual abuse looms heavy over both of their heads. neither one can seek help from anyone; the neighbors in brad and lisas town seem complacent at best, if they even know what is happening to lisa at all, and buddys only allies (sans rando) are long dead by the start of the joyful. this is not just a hypothetical or a distant possibility. this is the real, tangible fate that will befall them if they cant somehow secure their safety.

sadly, because lisa wasnt playable in either of the rpgs, we dont know if she was able to fight as brad was, but it is highly probable that she had the innate skill but was never able to learn it (as marty highly discouraged them from learning “their grandfathers karate,” and seemed disgusted whenever brad did so). however, she did have ONE weapon she could make use of, and this is a weapon buddy ends up using, as well - her femininity. she became close to bernard (aka buzzo), made him fall in love with her, and then used him as a last ditch effort to stop martys abuse by having him mutilate her face. im not saying lisa never cared about bernard - in fact, i think she DID really love and care for him - but her own fucked up experiences with “love” meant she really couldnt understand what it was supposed to be like, or that it was wrong to manipulate the people you care about. lisa did very few things wrong - it pretty much just stops at the maiming of the cat and her manipulation of bernard - but she knew that she would never get away from marty without some kind of drastic action being taken, and scarring herself was her last ditch effort before ultimately committing suicide.

buddy ends up taking a somewhat similar tack in the joyful, and like in lisas case, its simultaneously resourceful and horrific. one of buddys key moves in the joyful is to flash the enemy (which the player obviously doesnt see) in order to distract them long enough to get the kill. its fucking horrible and disgusting and makes you feel so dirty, but then, how must buddy feel having to do something like that just to survive? shes just a child, but in a world where almost every man is out to get you, she knows this has to be done to save herself, very much like lisa. unlike in lisas case, though, buddy is successful in securing her safety in this way - lisas effort is for naught, and leads to her committing suicide not very long after.

in a way, i sort of attribute buddys brutality to lisas omnipresence; all of the men pursuing buddy are just like marty, monsters who would harm a fucking child for their own disgusting ends, and i think that when buzzo said that lisa wouldve loved olathe, what he means is that she would have loved seeing so many horrible men being punished for what theyd done. so in my opinion, buddy carving out a place for herself in olathe by killing all those who would subjugate her seems very much in the mentality lisa would have had. sure, there are some innocents who sadly get roped into it, but that would definitely not be her intention; for example, if buzzo could have practiced amputation without harming a living thing, i dont think lisa would have asked him to practice on the cat. note the LACK of brutality at the beehive and the swamp bar, two of the few peaceful places in the painful and both devoid of predatory men hunting for buddy - lisa has no qualm with any of them. but marty? brad could hardly even get a full sentence out before killing him on the spot. i dont doubt that that has a great deal to do with lisas presence.

ok i talked for a while LMAO but basically i think that, in a more metatextual sense, lisa and buddys relationship really strikes me as an accurate depiction of generational trauma. of course it was intentional with the more obvious trauma chain (marty to brad to buddy), but the trauma chain of marty to lisa to buddy is rarely ever addressed due to lisa not physically appearing in the painful. however, i believe it may inform buddys actions a great deal more than people realize - after all, buddys experience is unique, but who could understand it better than lisa? who knows that sort of pain, of being alone on an island, the lone woman trapped with a man (or men) who want nothing more than to cause you harm? even without her realizing it, lisa is guiding buddy, encouraging her to take back what is hers no matter the cost, to punish those who would try to take what they want from her. lisa might be dead, but she is a vengeful presence throughout every game, and buddys actions feel like theyre meant not only to save herself, but to avenge lisa, even if she doesnt realize it. at the end of the day, buddy and lisa both get to exact revenge against all the men who have wronged them, and they succeed. they are aggressive, and violent, and selfish, and ANGRY - and they have every fucking right to be.

#lisa the first #lisa the painful #lisa the joyful #long post #yall GOTTA stop u know good and damn well i will talk about this game all fucking day hdskjdsk #rape mention #abuse mention #lisa #anya's anons

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