reminder to everyone that trauma IS a valid reason to use aspec labels. "i don't know if i'm aspec or just traumatized—" protip!!! you can be both!!!! the thing about labels is that they're not immutable states of being that you're born as. they're literally just words that we use to describe our lived experiences, and if asexual or aromantic or any related label feel relevant to the way that you experience attraction, whether it's a result of trauma or not, they're there for you to use. having trauma as a cause does not invalidate the fact that someone is experiencing lesser or no attraction. that's still the aspec experience babey. use the label if you want it's there for you <3

Fandom Problem #4680:

Outrage over shipping (or lewding) canonically aromantic and / or asexual characters.

I definitely understand the frustration of people just refusing to recognize or acknowledge their identity, since there's so few of them already. But i also see a lot of inflexibility in NOW aro / ace people are viewed or expected to behave. (Mostly either naiive and childishly innocent, awkward quirky teens, or cold robotic and unfeeling). And being aroace myself I rarely see any that actually resonate or feel compelling. Not to say those can't exist ever or that aspec people who ARE happy with them are "wrong" in any way, but I wish the perception what or how an aro / ace person can be wasn't so limited (and honestly---boring).

More of my characters than not are SOME flavor of aspec and all of them have very, very different ways of experiencing it. (And it's not all just "for the representation!!" they just feel natural to the characters and a lot of them are experiences I personally relate to) This includes:

a clout-obsessed social climber who uses relationships as a way of getting what she wants and to boost her ego, and nothing more

someone who's obsessed with the IDEA of romance and really really WANTS to fall in love with someone but it just never happens

someone completely repulsed with sex and romance althogether

an asexual person who wants to try it just to know what it's like but that's all

a sex worker for whom sex is quite literally just "showing up to work" for her, not awful or traumatic or anything, mostly just kinda boring

an aroace person who is so codependant with someone (who's allo) that they basically just form a relationship (along with all the things that usually go with it that the ace person doesn't mind going along with for their sake) I guess what people may call a QPR but that's not a term I personally like to use or find any use for it's okay for others though

someone who's still figuring themself out who hasn't really landed on any specific labels but also isn't really stressing on it that much

someone who takes longer to realize they're aro because for so long what they assumed were romantic feelings was really just feeling flattered, so thought they were "in love with" anyone who was nice to them

aliens whose anatomy includes no sex organs

And sometimes, characters are hot. And characters that are hot get shipped with other hot characters, often with no rhyme or reason other than "hot". Regardless of their canon sexualities. It kinda just comes with the territory of fandom.

(And again I'm really really tired of people using us a a shield to hide their ship hate and sex negativity. Seriously, don't.)

idk y'all but the whole "saiki does not fall in love because of his powers if you take them away he would be normal" and similar variations of those arguments against aroace saiki headcanons (which. why do you feel so attacked for a hc that you need to bend canon in weird ways to justify ships that make no sense) make me so uncomfortable bc they feel just like when people say that ppl who are aspec wouldn't be aspec if they weren't ND or traumatized or mentally ill or whatever similar.

like ok nobody knows if me being ND is what makes me aspec or trans or what but i know i AM regardless. also you can't fucking separate my neurodivergency from me that's not how it works i am not a separated person from it IT LITERALLY CHANGES NY BRAIN STRUCTURE but whatever

wether you see saiki as autistic, gifted (i know i do lmao), both or any other type of ND you cannot deny the man's got HEAVY coding, and that coding comes along with his powers

like if you have watched the show you would 100% get it but the guy is so ND is actually pathetic (affectionate) and part of the feeling of separation is enhanced by him being a literal psychic whose powers work as an extension of his symptoms (the whole "i can hear every thought in a 200km ratio and it physically exhausts me to not be able to filter thoughts" is such a latent inhibition deficit MOOD okay)

so what if he's aspec because of his power/neurodivergency? does that mean he's less aspec? that his experiences in the show are less real? nah they're not

and I'm not saying this all because ooooo having a pink hair anime guy aroace in fan communities is so important oooooo but more like. the entire reasoning of people invalidating it all. like the mentality and the obsession with shipping him just bc he's the protagonist. that type of invalidation can pass onto real life stuff

like ive lived good ol aphobia and dismissal of me being ND going together, not always but truly a handful so that this entire thought process pisses me off but ugh whatever works are stupid everything is stupid is not like anyone who ships saiki in generic romcom style while hating on any and all aspec hc of him are even gonna care that a lot of their arguments instead of being "nah i just don't personally interpret him like that death of the author or whatever" go to "he is actually NOT because his POWERS ARE TO BLAME that he doesn't see people he just sees their bones because of XRAY and he doesn't like kokomi because he READS HER THOUGHTS!!!!!" like have anyone in this app heard what a metaphor is

eh whatever im tired i just wanted to get it off my chest i need to cook my dinner n rewatch the show

Fandoms have really worped peoples idea of what punk is.Obviously the misconceptions and straight up lies about us didn't start with them but they were definitely a huge help in spreading them due to media and the lack of comprehension of it therefore.Like i said in the caption of my recent meme that blew up,being punk is not an aesthetic but a subculture and a policitical movement with the requirements to be one of us being fighting against corruption and helping and generally being kind to minorities and if a character is just edgy without doing that,then they don't deserve to be grouped in with us when they haven't earned it

In real life,when someone goes punk,it's almost always because they're a minority and faced so much discrimation and abuse because of it that they decided to do something about it and that's how they made their decision.I'm not gonna give out details because that would be traumadumping but the reason i went from regular pastel to pastel punk is that i'm a biracial afrolatina who was raised by the white side of their family,mentally disabled because of having a bunch of disorders including autism,mspec and aspec and a former tomboy kid turned femme genderfluid and bigender transmasc.That probably gives you an idea of all i've experienced and those experiences are the reason i decided to start going punk,not because i wanted to be 'cool'.Not that that's inherently a bad reason to but it is a rather ignorant one

Like,look at the characters i used in that meme-Hobie Brown,a black teenager who was forced to grow up too fast or he wouldn't survive,Ichigo Kurosaki,an autistic boy who saw his mom die when he was only a child and was never given therapy and resorted to repressing his emotions to cope and had deal with everyone assuming he was a delinquent based off nothing but his hair color so they treated them badly because of it as far back as middle school,Katara,an indigineous girl born during a 100 year long war who saw her mom get murdered when she was only 4 and adultified and parentified for the next 10 years straight afterwards even though she has an older brother,Luz Noceda,a second gen afro-dominican inmigrant who's bi and gender nonconforming AND neurodivergent and had no friends until her series began because of it,Stephanie Brown,a girl who was emotionally and physically abused by her dad and nearly got csa'd by one of said dad's friend's which traumatized her so much she remembered all the details years later and had to take care of her mom who was a drug addict and then had to deal with a man twice her age constantly degrading her for not being his adoptive son yet calling himself her mentor

Percy Jackson,an adhd and autistic person who's abusive stepdad used their insecurities over their intellegence as insult fuel and grew up poor and getting bullied nonstop and with their teachers not only never helping them but AGREEING with their bullies that they were a bad kid and punishing them for nothing and then spending all five books of the original series having to deal with an older man who'd gaslit them into trusting them so he could kill them when they were only 12 AND literally almost every authority figure(the gods)treating them like shit including the one who's their dad that abandoned them at birth and never made up for it,Dabi Todoroki,a physically disabled man who's disabilities were caused by him trying please his dad who'd started abusing his entire family the second he didn't get what he wanted from them and has been having to deal with everyone praising him as just an anti-hero for almost a decade

They're all punks,some intentionally,some not,but the REASON they are is that they have the punk mentality and show it in their actions,not because some of them are edgy and some of them not being edgy dosen't mean they 'don't count as/can't be' punk and that was caused by their experiences as minorities,not anything else and that's not subtext,it's just text.You don't HAVE to be a minority to be punk but the characters i've seen labeled as part of us more often than not are the ones actively hurting the ones who are and that inherently means they can't be because the whole reason punk was created was to be anti-bigotry and protecting and loving opressed people

Someone who dresses in dark colors and alt accesories and goes out of their way to mistreat people who don't deserve it and are already thought of as subhuman by society isn't a punk,they're a bully and an abuser in the making and if they're an adult,then they already are one and no,them being abused dosen't justify any of that because MANY irl actual punks went through and are even still going through it but didn't have the privilige to turn into a tormenter with no consequences over it.And sorry to tell you this but if you think they are or should be instead of getting justice served on them,then you're not punk either

i've realized that a lot of the things people who abide by the social expectations say are from their own perspectives and they cannot be accurately applied to my trans experience.

'don't transition, you're just insecure/mentally ill/traumatized(/whatever other reasons they have)' are all the failed attempts of a cis person empathizing in a way that ranges from inconvenient at best to transphobic at worst, depending on where they take their assumptions, and these perspectives don't take dysphoria (or euphoria, on the contrary) into consideration as a reason someone might want to transition, because cis people don't know the extent of our dysphoria, as well as the other experiences that we experience alongside it.

this attempt shouldn't be taken too seriously; it happens with many other people as well. 'you're just lazy' (against disabled people) 'you'll meet the right one someday' (against aspecs) 'just go outside, you'll feel better' (against mentally ill people and those facing worser issues besides mere depression) 'just go ahead and try it' (against neurodivergent people as well as those with physical disabilities), 'you'll be grateful when you get older' (against people who faced parental abuse), do these perspectives sound familiar? they all come from the people giving you advice in a way that worked for them, as a person abiding by the social expectations; many people aren't sure what empathy really means, and ao they empathize by giving eachother advice. those answers genuinely work for others like them; they won't for us. in worser scenarios, we're judged or hated because of their failed empathization. and because we're kept near the sidelines, and they manage to help eachother, anyone who doesn't empathize in the way they do is thrown out. people with low empathy and those expressing it in different ways also suffer from this. but even those who abide by the social standards aren't entirely accurate with their empathy, if they have it.

and i just wanted to share this, for anyone who's suffering from internalized transphobia (and perhaps other self views about other parts of your identity), in case it might help you distance yourself from it and worry less about whether they're right. they're not, because they're judging you from their viewpoint as a cis person. try not to take it to heart; you're fine the way you are, i promise.

Submitted May 27, 2023

Ask An Aro Ace ASAW Day 1: Trauma-Based Aromanticism

So today I want to write a bit about what it's like to be aromantic when your aromanticism is trauma-based, such as when a traumatic experience completely cut away your romantic attraction or when you still experience attraction but lack the motivation, confidence, or desire to act on it due to a traumatic experience.

Regardless of your flavor of queer, being queer is always scary in some way. You might be afraid of accepting your queerness, afraid of being wrong and different - afraid of being persecuted and oppressed. You might be afraid of your loved one's reactions, of facing their hate or judgement or even just their ignorance. You might be afraid of navigating through society with your new understanding of who you are, afraid of how this will impact your safety and your job and your ability to buy a home and start a family and get married and have kids.

When you're a trauma-based aromantic, you might, like me, also be afraid of navigating your own community. Afraid you won't be welcome. Afraid you validate bigotry and misconceptions against your community. Afraid people in and out of your community will believe you to be a faker who just needs to be "fixed".

For a long time, I walked this very confusing like where I identified as aromantic to allos but as not-aromantic to aros. I knew allo was no longer a fitting title and that I would not fit in with them. But I was also afraid that I was invading in a place where I shouldn't be in aro spheres. And even after I started broaching aro spaces as an aro, I was very fearful and cautious of revealing that I was caedromantic, someone whose aromanticism was directly tied in with the trauma I survived, which also meant that I couldn't relate to or speak on a lot of aro experiences that other aros had.

And while the target of my fear was me, this was honestly incredibly unfair to the aromantic community, who has never made me feel unwelcome or invalid. The aro community never asked or questioned why I was aro, even after learning the caedro part. They never judged me or silenced me. They never interrogated me. They never pushed me away or told me to leave. Aromantics have only ever accepted and supported me. It was only ever the cis allohets that have made me feel like I am not enough.

And more than that, by talking more and more about being a trauma-based aro, I have discovered that there are a lot more of us than you might imagine. Due to the kind of society we live in, people have trauma, even serious big-T Trauma, is damn common. And trauma changes your brain. It changes how you interact with the world. It changes your relationship to yourself and to others. You can change this further with healing, but trauma can indeed change the brain. It's valid and legitimate if trauma impacts your identity, how you relate to it, and/or how you express it.

But it's scary to admit this and talk about it because the cis allohets only want to use this as a gotchya. For them, this is not the opportunity about the wrongness of our society: exposing people to traumas, gaslighting them over traumas, refusing to provide support and resources for healing over traumas, punishing people for displaying any effects of trauma - it's about using this to invalidate aromanticism.

Any aspec person has heard the anti-aspec claims that being aspec is caused by trauma/mental illness/medication and can therefore be cured, as if we are ill, as if being ill is a reason to harm people. As a trauma-based aro, it feels like you are a direct confirmation of this claim. It feels like your very existence is problematic and harmful to other aros.

BUT!!!

Some people ARE aspec or question if they're aspec or think they're aspec for a while due to things like trauma, mental illness, and/or medication, and this is valid!!! This is the same shitty anti-phase logic like something can be valid and real if it's a phase. You know what's a phase? Everything. Every. Damn. Thing. is a phase. Being a toddler, being a teenager, being alive, bell bottoms, checks being a form of payment, cursive, typewriters, hair length, etc. You know what? Trauma changes you and healing isn't going to return you to who you were before you experienced that trauma. Mental illness is treated and accommodated and coped with but can't just be cured or erased. Some medications need taken for life. It doesn't matter why someone is aromantic or even if they know why at all. Aromantics exist, aromanticism harms no one, and aromantic people deserve to be respected and treated well. The problem isn't that I'm aromantic due to trauma. The problem is that I was exposed to that trauma in the first place. The problem is that support for healing from this trauma is so hard to access. The problem is the way people treat me for having this trauma. The problem is the way people treat me for being aromantic. But being aromantic, for whatever reason, is not a problem.

It doesn't matter if trauma-based aromantics exist or not. Even if we went away or "got cured" (I like being aromantic! I want to be aromantic forever!), anti-aro bigots would still be against aromanticism and seek to harm us. I learned a long time ago that there's no way to make bigots happy. There is no compromise to "I want you to have never existed in the first place, but since you're here now, you're an abomination who should be killed". Targeting trauma and other similar things 'causing' aromanticism is only one way of how anti-aro bigotry is expressed. Even if we didn't exist, the bigots would still hate us. They would still screech that we were broken and wrong and never meant to exist. In my experience, the best way to respond to this in a way that does the least harm to your spirit and soul is to embrace your identity wholeheartedly and exude pride and celebration.

So I'm done hiding. Yes, I am aro due to trauma. Yes, I am happy with this. No, I don't expect everyone to feel the same as me or understand the joy this brings me. No, not all aros are aro due to trauma.

But yes ALL aros are valid and legitimate and deserve to be celebrated!!!

a summary for those who don't wanna read all this, below: as some people have been wondering this, yes, you can identify as aro/ace if you're neurodivergent, traumatized, afraid of commitment or 'too young'. this is because your experiences are still similar, if not the same, as those of other aro/aces, and even if your orientation might change later then this does not remove your experiences during the time where you did identify as aro/ace. diversity in our community is valuable and you are allowed to enter and leave at any moment if you desire. if anyone judges you and points at any of these factors that have held you back, then remember that aro/ace identity is not exclusive towards those who are neurotypical adults without trauma or fears related to relationships. you are still aro/ace if you wish to be, and you are welcome if you're ready.

as for my actual, longer confession: i see people asking whether they're aro/ace or just traumatized/neurodivergent, but honestly? they're not mutually exclusive. neurodivergence can influence your orientation, yes, and trauma or other fears related to commitment can, too. but why should this be proof that you're not aro or ace? let's present this hypothethical where you're traumatized and it scares you off from romantic relationships, and you wonder 'am i really aro or is it just the trauma?' but then let me ask you, how should this prevent you from being aro? if you're averse towards relationships or you think that your psychological or neurological state has influenced you so now you're either not experiencing attraction or disgusted by it, then you still belong in our community! i'm neurodivergent, traumatized and aroace and it doesn't make me any less for being that way. if you choose to identify as aro/ace and later find out that you might want to try out a romantic or sexual relationship, then that's okay too! there's no misinformation to spread because your experience while identifying as aro/ace are still valuable even if you later experience attraction or decide that you want to try it out. there's also a difference between a desire for relationships and attraction, as the latter is the desire for a relationship with someone specific, whether romantically or sexually (in the case where it's a sexual relationship only, then i do not mean you're necessarily partnering; it's a general relationship and it involves sexual things, that's all it is). i offer to you a similar answer if you're a minor who's been wondering whether you're 'too young' or whether you will experience any attraction later. if you lack attraction due to trauma, neurodivergence or your age then your experience is similar to those of potential aro/aces, anyway, as the similarity is that there's no romantic or sexual attraction you're experiencing (which, remember, is the very definition of aromantic/asexual). your experience that is capable of changing in the future is still alike that of aspecs, even if you find out later that you're attracted to someone. that won't change the past. if you want to identify as aro/ace and it brings you comfort or peace, then i say go for it! this is your sign. i welcome you in our community if you wish to enter and i'll respect you just as much if you find out that you want to leave, should the moment arrive. some people may judge you but i ask of you to try and not let it get to you. you're okay just the way you are, whether your orientation was caused by your experiences or not, i promise! orientation can change, anyway. you'll be fine. ^_^

Could you expand on the part about Jean vs Neil's sexuality? I assume you meant how it's portrayed in the book, I never made any comparison, so I'd be interested in hearing about it. But it could be applied to fans too. I've not seen anyone try to say Jean can't be bi or is bi because of his abuse, like people do with Neil and his asexuality. While infuriating, it's sadly not surprising. Nobody ever did it with Andrew either. Just Neil.

yes i meant that there's an obvious difference between how neil, being demi, perceives andrew throughout the aftg books and how jean, being bi, reacts to jeremy and many other hot people he encounters. it's interesting you say you never made any comparison bc for me it's impossible not to compare and see the differences. back in 2020 when i joined this fandom, it was a huge thing for me to discover that certain fanon spins on andreil aren't irksome just bc they're ooc - they're upsetting bc they erase the way nora depicted aspec attraction in a media landscape where aspec rep is still difficult to come by and aspec relationships especially so. learning that these things have names and constitute queer identities was a revelation and made me a very analytical romance reader - and a very frustrated one too bc now that i know that complex romance stories featuring people like me can be written i have little patience for characters being instantly attracted to each other for seemingly no reason.

that's why scenes like this

“I like to indulge,” Jeremy said with a dimpled smile. Kevin’s words mocked him in the back of his thoughts: “Some of them you like.” Jean cut off that line of thinking so fast he felt dizzy. It didn’t matter that Jeremy Knox was annoyingly easy to look at; Jean knew better than to look at another man too long. He’d learned that lesson the hard way and would not survive a revisit.

have a mixed effect on me. on the one hand, i recognize that this is true to the experience of allo people and admire nora for no doubt intentionally writing neil's and jean's sexualities in such a different way. both of them end up in mm relationships altho neither of them is gay - which i think adds nuance to the yaoi lol. on the other hand, to me, a relationship that features writing like this is just inherently less interesting. like, this is literally just my subjective preference but it did factor into why i didn't like tsc as much as aftg.

the things you bring up about certain fans' double standards when it comes to the potential influence of abuse on one's sexuality are very true. nobody ever claimed andrew is gay bc of the abuse he suffered and i don't think people would use this argument with jean, altho biphobia and bi erasure are definitely a thing in many fandoms. interestingly, the scene i cited above adds another layer to this conversation: so the logic of aspec neil deniers was (wishfully using the past tense here) that you can basically bully a person into being aspec and that's why neil isn't really demi, he's just repressed etc etc. but in jean's reaction to jeremy's looks and in his internal monologue throughout the book whenever he finds someone attractive we see that he doesn't welcome these feelings. he's thinking: i'm attracted to him but i've been hurt before and so i don't want to feel this way - it will only lead to problems and more hurt. now, were it true that one can be bullied into perceiving hot people around with the same kind of disinterest as neil, the many instances of sex-related physical and psychological abuse jean has been through would have doubtlessly gotten him there. instead, he's still very much bi and traumatized.

yeah to be clear, people in The Murderbot Diaries think it'd be funny if Murderbot were constantly being sexually harassed by people on the street for being too sexy to resist because they have no fucking clue or willingness of how to be normal about aroace people.

Like people in this fandom literally go on and on about how Murderbot should be Super Irresistably Hot for no other reason than because it'd fucking hate it, and say all of its friends should lust after it and have sex dreams about it and have to cry to their therapists about how sad it is that they aren't allowed to fuck it, (but like, they legitimately say this like it's some traumatizing tragedy of mental health and not just....blatantly fucking absurd and pathetic???) and think this is just a totally normal way to react to a character not being attracted to anyone in any way and they're totally normal great allies to aspec people -.-

Imagine if aces and aros talked about gay people the way gay people talk about us.

"Don't forget: gay people are totally valid and they are welcome in the AIQ community!!! 😊 Sure, they might not experience aphobia like aces and aros do, but people shouldn't have to prove they're Oppressed Enough[tm] to be included! :)"

"To be honest, hating on gay people makes no sense to me at ALL lmao. Like aphobia I get, but for a straight person to insist that everyone MUST get a partner NO MATTER WHAT, and then throw a fit because it's the wrong kind of partner?! I don't know man, I just think it's only control freaks who could really be bothered, yknow?"

"And after 'Demi-Aces and Demi Gods' we are proud to announce our first ever gay panel! It's called "GG: homosexuality 101" and it'll answer any questions you might have about what it's like to be gay (no, they aren't all polyamorous!) ending with a rousing discussion about the place of the G within the AIQ+ community as a whole. Following that, we have 'Asexual fashion history'..."

"Oh my god I am SO tired of homophobia discourse. Like my guys literally NONE of this matters in the real world. Just log off and interact with your real-world community and touch grass, okay?"

"Um... no offence, but why is talking about gay people so important to you? We're discussing aspec oppression and you're very obviously derailing. :/ like it is just NOT the same thing. If you want to talk about gay issues (like I get that it could feel uncomfy when people expect you to have a different kind of partner than you want) make your own post, please."

"Oh, I get this question a LOT haha! Don't worry, it is SUPER common for young aspecs to invent gay attraction in an attempt to repress their own aspecness! If you ever decide that that's what happening, and you were just dealing with internalised aphobia, it's okay! You're still a valid aro/ace <3'

"But like. How... would 'homophobia' even work lmfao. Like you're being restricted from couples' benefits by?? Being in a couple the wrong way???? Literally nobody is going to throw you out of your home for having a child with your partner. 🙄 So unless you can provide ANY evidence that gay people are oppressed FOR BEING GAY (i.e. lacking m/f attraction AND having same-gender attraction SIMULTANEOUSLY) then uhhh maybe you should stop talking over people who are ACTUALLY oppressed. (No corrective rape doesn't count lmfao that is literally just aphobia.)"

"Welcome to AIQ pride 2023!!! Gays and lesbians are allowed but y'all are on thin fucking ice 🤪 Ugh it's just a joke lmfao. It's not serious. Jesus I wish y'all WERE oppressed sometimes, maybe you'd have an actual sense of humour 💀"

"Ummmm sorry, but can you take down your post? This celebrity is REALLY important to the aspec community and I really don't appreciate you implying he could be gay :/ Like he literally already said he doesn't like girls. What more do you want lmfao he's aroace. Why is it so important for you to erase that and force him into an amatonormative relationship? Creepy 😬"

"Sorry but I'm just not comfortable seeing talk about 'homophobia' on my post. I repressed my aroaceness for a really long time by trying to convince myself I was gay and it was super traumatic for me. But even if I hadn't you should've known how this reblog might come across to any young aspecs struggling to accept themselves."

"DNW: gay/lesbian characters. No offence but they're always boring ass issue fics written by teenagers trying to prove how Progressive they are. It's always so ridiculously forced and ooc. Like who CARES if you're gay anyway lmfao just go to a bar and have Good Allo Sex or something, you ain't special."

"Mmmm personally, I think that 'homo' and 'hetero' are more like modifiers, really...? I mean, what matters most is whether or not you're actually IN a relationship. The kind of relationship itself just doesn't really matter all that much. I mean, that makes sense, right? 'No shirt' is a wayyy bigger difference from 'blue shirt' than 'red shirt.' So personally I think homosexuality is valid but it's not an identity, it's just a modifier for allosexuality. :)"

"...ugh, look, what's probably going on here is there's some kind of confounding variable at work, like gay people are more likely to be younger (since it's a pretty new identity) so of course their overall wellbeing is lower. That's just logic. But it just doesn't make sense for gay people to be oppressed: they have their identity validated by straight people all the time. So unless you can explain how you can be constantly validated, but still oppressed, these numbers mean nothing."

Okay, I know I've kinda vented here a lot, but I'm thinking things so I'm trying to put it all on a post and since many of you interact with my other posts I'm just gonna drop it all here. Under cut: me venting about comments or other forms of interaction with my fics in the perspective of an aspec person. Interactions range from aphobia to amatonormativity to people who are probably just uninformed.

Okay, I have no idea how I want this organized, I'm making this up as I go. Let's see what happens.

Let's start with just the amatonormativity/allonormativity.

Confessions of love are not always romantic. The average person has probably told friends and family, "I love you," before. But in the context of fiction, suddenly that phrase is only applicable in romantic settings. Biggest example is my fic where two characters in a platonic relationship confess platonic love after having a chapter of sharing a bed because they've been through traumatic stuff recently and are scared to be separated. (Let Me Help)

Why would you ever think it's okay to tell an author you're disappointed with them because they won't write smut? Like, seriously, why would that ever be okay? If you want nsfw, there are a thousand fics with nsfw you can read. Do not ask me to write nsfw. I am sex averse, so that is not something I'm comfortable with. Part of my religion is not reading, writing, or watching sex scenes, so I'm not going to write it. But there are a thousand other very serious reasons why someone might not want to write a sex scene. And even if it's just that you don't want to, that doesn't mean you should be bullied into writing a sex scene. But, no, people keep telling me it's upsetting that I write Loki as asexual and don't give him steamy scenes. (Captive)

The constant sexual comments. I might not like people being overtly horny, but I don't care. What does make me feel uncomfortable is when they write comments in which they say my confirmed aspec characters are having sexual thoughts? I don't know how to say it. It's like them saying that the explicitly ace character wants to rail another character. I don't know, maybe this is just a me thing. But it feels so...erasing. Like I'm over here handing out ace rep (albeit in fanfiction) and then people just...toss that away? Ignore it, and instead say this character is hypersexual. Like, is it just me, or does that feel really rude and hurtful? Like, if they're going to want to make comments like that, can't they do it somewhere else? (Captive)

The automatic assumption that something is done with romantic intent. Whether that's sharing a bed because of fear of separation, kidnapping, looking for someone, whatever it is. I keep getting comments about one character liking another or whatever. And, I mean, it's less of an issue if they are two characters the audience knows will fall for each other. But with two random characters that don't have anything to indicate romantic feelings, it feels so weird. Even with characters that will fall eventually, not everything they do is romantic. I write exclusively slow burns (okay, idk if some of them are slow burns. Readers have referred to them as such, but if there's like 30 chapters? I think they referred to it that way because they started reading when I first published it, and it took a few years to write. I suppose eventual romance might be a better description). Use some common sense? In like, the first fifteen chapters, like most of my fics are? Nope, not romantic. Like, I understand, there are grey areas. I plan to exploit that later on ("do I really like them?" sort of thing). But it's too early for that. But I can forgive those more. But, come on, not every character in this is a love interest. (Captive, Let Me Help)

Kind of a subsection of that. Part of this is not entirely the readers' fault. But, in one fic, it is very clear that Tony cares a lot about [Y/N]. I have had some people ask if they were in a relationship prior to the story. 1) Tony literally says in the first chapter that he's with Pepper. 2) That man cannot be in the same room as someone under 25 without adopting them. This happens in the same fic with [Y/N] and Bucky. It is established that they have a deep bond, and that, like the rest of the Avengers, she considers him family. And, I don't know, maybe I made it look like they are in a relationship or something, but they aren't. Purely familial. Just because he is the one she is the closest to doesn't make it not familial. (Captive)

Alright, I make it very clear that I write characters as aspec. I include it in author's notes, the description, tags, etc. Yet people still are

(tumblr apparently has a limit for how many words can be in a "block" & I reached it so here I am continuing it #6) surprised when I later say something more obvious about them being aspec. Like, do they not check tags and description beforehand? C'mon. Not that hard. Don't act all surprised. (Captive)

Now for something I considered worse:

I had someone plagiarize my fic before. Some paragraphs were word for word. Except they were so acephobic, saying that asexuals are incapable of love, compassion, empathy, sympathy, or warmth. I asked them if the fic was based on mine (I have no idea how I found it, it just popped up one day on my Wattpad. there are like 10 views, & most of them are mine, so now idea how I found it). Author said yes. And I felt so upset because this person literally stole word for word some of my writing but changed Loki to make it acephobic as frick. Not very happy. But I never did anything about it because the only parts written well were from me. The rest has every single fanfic mistake you can think of. That fic is by no means popular. (Captive)

WIP questionnaire

Thanks to @writingmoth for tagging me!

1. What was the first part of your wip that you created? The maps! The first thing I had an idea for in terms of the world was a map with some names (which was still the basis for my current maps but has changed. hm. A Lot since then.)

2. If your story was a TV show, what would the theme song/intro be? Hate to admit I *have* thought of this. It would probably be "The Curse" by Agnes Obel.

3. Who are your favourite characters you've made? Why? Well I love my BOY Jerod. He doesn't seem like he's a Disaster but then he steadily becomes more and more of a disaster as the book goes on. He's also like...I'm discovering he's deceptively innocent. He doesn't seem like he'd be a Weirdo but . He's a weirdo. Also Gevin and Bronwyn, my favourite toxic twins. So angry. I'm also a big fan of Jamos though?? Like understand he is terrible. But I made him so I love him.

4. What other pieces of media do you think would share a fan base for your story? This is actually a really tricky one. I'm inclined to say fans of older fantasy books would be into it because it has more of that vibe, but idk specifically

5. What has been your biggest struggle with your wip? Keeping track of all the many details. I think honestly a lot of what *could* make it really good is the amount of detail in it, but there's also So Much and I get lost and confused. Help I'm stuck in Words.

6. Are there any animals in your story? Talk about them! Ghhhhh this feels like a callout because the main character has a dog that I consistently forget about!!!! Where is she!! A couple other dogs show up as well, and Laedir has his horse that he's best buds with (we stan a weird horse girlie always). Also there's a creepy deer at one point that *might* be an old god and also a terrifying bone dragon that shows up for one scene to traumatize the protagonist, absolutely wreck an upland meadow habitat, and then turn to dust.

7. How do your characters get around? (ex: trains, horses, cars, dragons, etc.) Horses, by foot, horse + cart, boat if they're by the coast.

8. What part of your wip are you working on rn? In the first editing phase, which for now means me going through it with a fine toothed comb and making notes on anything that doesn't make sense, deleting stuff I Just Don't Like, and correcting small errors. Then I'm gonna go back and fix all of it again.

9. What aspects (tropes, maybe?) of your wip do you think will draw people in? Hmmmmm spooky forests and Weird Deer. Curses as a metaphor for family based/generational trauma, responsibility, environmental destruction etc. Asexual main character (though I gotta stress it's not a book *about* The Ace Experience, he's aspec bc the author is aspec and doesn't know how to write anything else. but it does play strongly into who he is and how he views his place in the world. so.)

10. What are your hopes for your wip? I mean I want to tentatively say I'd love to one day publish it...I know that's a long hard road but I'm letting my toes sit right on the edge of it.

Thanks again for the tag! I'm tagging @kaatiba @somethingclevermahogony @on-noon

A Pinned Post:

¡Hey hi hello!

Some of y’all may recognize a few of these quotes because I shared on our main blog @void-galaxy-shenanigans, but I decided to make a place specifically for them.

~~~

Tag key:

# source: [relationship] - this is for anything we didn't make up. we’ll have ones for our therapist, our psychiatrist, our best friend, our (future) lovers, or social media platforms where we got the quote. if we’re feeling silly/playful we might add # stolen from: [relationship] as well, as a lighthearted joke.

# source: my/our headmates - there’ll be a name in the post, and this in the tags. this is for when it was us but not me saying it. sometimes our headmates just say something insightful that I have to write down. 🤷‍♂️

# inspired by / built from: [source] - this is for ones we made up after seeing something similar elsewhere. our wording is our own but a very similar concept or similar quote may already be out there.

~~~

Other blogs:

@void-galaxy-shenanigans - this is our main blog. serious posts, silly posts, and sometimes we’ll bring together screenshots that we saved. we also reblog here for the most part.

@void-galaxy-art-stuffs - this is where we share digital art we made. maybe eventually we can also share handmade things. we can't do traditional art due to an unfortunate combination of disabilities, but we will do what art forms we can.

@void-galaxys-photos - I/we love to take pictures. thus far everything here was taken on a cell phone, but now I have my *camera* camera back (a compact Sony photography camera) so I’m gonna yoink photos from there to share ☺

@wpffw - this is where we share writing prompts. it’s been quiet for a little due to another wave of insecurity about our writing, but I'm gonna sit down & make/post more this week. please give it some love 💖

~~~

For those of you who don’t already know us, have this little intro (there’s a full one on our main blog, tagged above).

Body Age: 24yo

Pronouns: collectively, he/they²

(² technically, only she/it & occasional other exceptions are off limits, but he/they is easier to ask for. Serenity is our only headmate who differs completely, & uses all but he/it (she/they is what she offers). If anyone uses different pronouns (just he, just they, etc., or Serenity) we’ll make sure to note that when posting.)

Gender: Masc nonbinary / boyflux

LGBA+ Orientation: Polyam (partnered x2) / demisexual/demiromantic but testosterone is causing a pansexual/bisexual/m-spec swing (not fully out of aspec but not so far into ace-space/aro-space) + t4t

Important Divergences: autism, ADHD, D.I.D., complex PTSD

Other Disabilities: POTS, fibromyalgia, ¿chronic fatigue?, ¿traumatic brain injury (TBI)? /// walking cane user (probably should have a rollator too but they're expensive)

Disability/mentally ill professionals we have: psychiatrist (M), therapist (K)

Other: polytheistic witch, following Greek pantheon, Nordic pantheon, & a heavily-edited derivative of the Christian God

~Nico

i see this a lot, so im talking about it.

a lot of the time, pro-queer posts will say this line: "Queer people are not mentally ill". And while that is true--queerness is not a mental illness or a disability and it should not be treated as one--it seems... i dunno, shitty.

TO BE CLEAR, i don't think it's bad because it's saying queerness is not a problem. That part is good!

but i don't like it because it feels like it's throwing queer people who are mentally ill under the bus.

So, shout out to mentally ill queer people. Those of us with anxiety disorders, depressive disorders, personality disorders, dissociation disorders, trauma disorders.

EXTRA shout out to psychotic queer people and mentally ill trans and aspec people; i've seen too many arguments going "they can't know they're queer, they're psychotic! it's just a delusion!!!" or "they're mentally ill so they can't know their gender" or "they're not asexual, they're just traumatized".

You are the sexuality you say you are. You are the romantic orientation you say you are. You are the gender (or genders!) you say you are.

even if you do think it's partially related to your mental illness. Do you think your psychosis influences your gender? That's okay. It doesn't make you less trans. Do you think your trauma does in part influence why you ID as ace or aro? that's also okay. It doesn't make you less aspec. And so on and so forth, for any situation.

And a side note: also shoutout to ND queer people who aren't mentally ill but do get invalidated for their disabilities. Autistic queers, ADHD queers, queers with learning disabilities, queers with intellectual disabilities.

Ableism in the queer community is here, and it's gross and dehumanizing.

So yeah. Shout out to queer people who are mentally ill or ND or both; you deserve the world.

How did you figure out that you were ace? I have trauma in my past so I don't know if that's why I don't care about sex. My only sexual encounters were mediocre and/or traumatic. But I don't CARE enough to try and go have "good" experiences. I barely have sexual interest and even my SI fantasies and fanfics never really focus on sex. Am I ace? Am I demi? Do I just have a low libido? Any advice would be lovely!!

hmmm. most of what I have to go off of is personal experience (and hopefully some other aspec friends and followers will chime in too!) but based purely on what you've said here, I would guess you do fall somewhere on the ace spectrum. but take my opinion with a grain of salt!

figuring out I was ace was a long process—I can't recall any one Eureka moment or epiphany or anything, it was more like years of going, "am I? could I be? I think I am." pretty much the same thing you're doing! basically, the more I learned about what being asexual/aspec was, the more it fit with my own identity and experiences.

I think I first heard of the concept of asexuality in my late teens, and by then I had noticed I was Different. I had kissed/made out with a few guys and felt...absolutely nothing. no attraction or repulsion, no desire to go further, just sort of a "huh. this is boring. do other people actually like this? am I doing something wrong? but he seems into it."

of course my first thought at the time was that I must be a lesbian, but I found the prospect of sex/physical stuff with girls equally meh. I felt the same way about them as I do about guys (and enbys, agender people, the whole gender spectrum) namely: "some of them are good-looking and cool and I would like to date them, but when it comes to the prospect of sex with them I am utterly indifferent." (spoiler alert: I am sex-indifferent.)

[very long reflection and some links under the cut]

which is a disconnect I had always felt, tbh. when I hit puberty and everyone started obsessing over sex and physical stuff, I was deeply confused. why had all my friends lost their minds? why were they letting guys treat them so badly, or hooking up with someone they didn't even like just because he/she was "good?" (were the people I made out with just "bad" at it somehow, and that's why I didn't enjoy myself?) people would casually talk about feeling horny or wanting to fuck some celebrity or classmate or whoever as if those feelings were a universal experience I could totally relate to, and I would kind of, like. nod along and laugh uncomfortably because I absolutely couldn't relate to them. but I was told that I did. all the adults in my life assumed that as a teenager, I must be a horny little libido monster, and treated/educated/socialized me accordingly. to say nothing of how hard pop culture was telling me I definitely, totally wanted sex.

tbh my first clue that I was ace should have been that everything physical I did with romantic partners felt like something I was checking off a list, or like I was trying to fit some invisible rubric of Normal Level Of Sexual Activity For Teenager. oh, I'm sixteen? Taylor Swift told me I should have had my first kiss last year, better get on that. The CW is telling me I should lose my virginity and learn to give blowjobs/oral right around now; I'll add those to the list.

but none of it was anything I was particularly eager to do—it felt like homework. like, "here are the hoops you must jump through to be seen as Normal." there didn't seem to be space for someone who didn't want to do those things with any gender—that meant you were deviant or broken in some way. (it doesn't, of course.)

let's talk real quick about being sex-repulsed vs. sex-indifferent (there are also various other subcategories, but those are the two I hear most often). they're pretty much exactly what it says on the tin: sex-repulsed people find the idea of sex actively uncomfortable or gross or off-putting, and generally don't want to think about or see sex, much less have it themselves. sex-indifferent people don't particularly want sex, but for the most part don't mind exposure to sexual stuff.

I identify as sex-indifferent. like, sure, I'd have sex if I was in a committed relationship and my partner wanted to, but I'll never just want sex for the sake of sex, y'know? at no point have I ever wanted to hook up with a stranger, or a friend with benefits, even under the safest, most hygienic circumstances ever.

for me there's a disconnect between my own libido and other people. I can masturbate. I can look at other people and feel mental or emotional or even aesthetic attraction, but even when all three of those are going on I don't usually feel sexual attraction (I can count the number of people I have felt sexual attraction to in my entire life on one hand, and still have two fingers left. I think technically this makes me grey-a or demisexual, but I find it easier to just say "ace" most of the time unless someone asks follow-up questions.)

so let's compare my experience to yours a little closer. now, I personally can't speak much about the role of past sexual trauma here—I don't have any myself and I haven't researched the intersection of trauma and ace-ness much, except to know that the two are often confused for each other but are actually neither mutually inclusive nor exclusive. but there are definitely people out there who have experienced the whole enchilada and can probably speak about this much better than I can, if you go looking!

"My only sexual encounters were mediocre and/or traumatic"

I would say this on its own is a neutral when it comes to ace/allo-ness. follow-up questions I might ask myself in your place: what made the mediocre encounters mediocre? was my partner inattentive or inconsiderate in some way, or were they doing everything "right" but just not doing it for me?

"But I don't CARE enough to try and go have "good" experiences."

this one is a bigger indicator of probable aspec-ness, IMHO. one of the ways I realized I was ace was hitting a certain age and going, huh, why haven't I lost my virginity yet despite having tons and tons of opportunities? I'm an attractive woman in college, surrounded by other attractive young people, many of whom would jump at the chance to have sex with me and are probably very good at it. why have I just never done that? and why doesn't the idea appeal to me at all?

questions to ask yourself: if the perfect opportunity to have sex fell into my lap (whatever those circumstances look like for you) and all I had to do was consent, would I?

"I barely have sexual interest"

could just be a low libido, but sounds pretty aspec to me. I'd examine the whys and hows here: do you only experience sexual interest under highly specific circumstances? is it ever directed toward real people in your life, or only fictional characters and celebrities?

"and even my SI fantasies and fanfics never really focus on sex."

big same on the self-insert fantasies. growing up, the self-inserts I wrote or imagined were always a canon character's sister or daughter or friend, and never ended up in a romantic/sexual relationship with any of the canon characters—that idea made me uncomfortable and I didn't get why other people's self-inserts existed for that sole purpose, lol. these days I no longer make self-inserts, but I read/write smut because a) it feels like a fun challenge, and b) I see it as another way to advance plot/reveal character/build intimacy between characters, kind of a neutral thing.

"Am I ace? Am I demi? Do I just have a low libido?"

at the end of the day, I can't answer this definitively. no one else can tell you that you are or aren't aspec, because you know yourself and your feelings (or lack thereof, lol) best.

I can tell you that based solely on this ask, I think you're somewhere on the ace spectrum—but I could be dead wrong (I've never met you, and even if I had, I am tragically not a mind- or emotion-reading vampire.)

also, like, there's no pressure here! you can identify as ace today and change your mind tomorrow, and that's completely 100% fine. there's not like an objective, quantifiable truth to be found about whether you are/aren't aspec—it's a label you can take or leave based on your own experiences and feelings.

and however you decide to identify, I hope this helped! I'm gonna link some articles that pose more questions and frame things in different, useful ways.

https://www.asexuality.org/?q=overview.html

https://time.com/2889469/asexual-orientation/

https://www.healthline.com/health/what-is-asexual

https://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/a37039862/am-i-asexual/

This is the only safe space I know of to talk about this

Im pro ship but I'm getting increasingly alienated with pro ship people who constantly say "kids are naturally interested in sex"

Not all kids are. The assumption that all kids will look up sex stuff is a problem, and I want to address it bc it's also international asexual day.

So here's the problems with that assumption

1. Waiting until a kid asks about something based on that assumption of eventual curiosity, will result in ace/sex repulsed kids never getting educated to keep themselves safe.

2. Banking on kids eventually wanting to engage with sexual content reinforces late bloomer ideas, or that they are broken for not wanting to engage in that stuff

This phrase is just so hurtful and alienating and I'm tired of having to be traumatized in order to learn how to keep myself safe

So I'm gonna just say I respectfully disagree because I am both aspec and one of these people who talks about how kids are naturally interested in sex! These types of posts are not invalidating to the ace experience inherently as far as I am concerned, because they are not about ace people.

Posts like these are trying to bring attention to how everyone's sexuality develops at a different rate and people don't just wake up at 18 suddenly interested in sex/romance and they're also often pushing back against this sentiment I've seen a lot of in modern fandom where being into a teenage cartoon character as a teen makes you a pedo somehow. Which is just blatantly demonizing teen sexuality. (i've never seen anyone suggest we should wait until a kid gets curious to give them sex ed in these discussions, so idk what you're on about in this regard???)

You're right, not everyone does become interested in sex! But these posts are not intended to alienate you. Ace people not being interested in sex doesn't mean you can't say it's natural to be interested in sex, because it is! It's also natural to have brown eyes even though not everyone has them! Honestly I think a lot of sex repulsed aces can feel left out in discussions relating to sex to begin with and that's understandable, but supporting aces and talking about ways to improve the way we look at sexuality in young people are not mutually exclusive and I find it kind of tiring whenever this false dichotomy is presented to me.