#i should just shut up now. I'm going to sleep. i might delete this in the morning idk
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Before I go to bed
#kite rambles#religion has been so awkward since That Talk#for those not in the know my mom found out i identify as nonreligious and queer by reading a confidential medical document#led to the Most Fun Talk Ever in which she was most upset by me thinking i was agnostic#and i think it evaporated every shred of religiosity in me to the point that hearing other people express their faith almost made me angry?#and not just xtianity like any kind of spirituality or religion#and it was fuckin WEIRD because I'd have this reflexive revulsion but would consciously be like “hey that's a bad reaction cool it”#like a knee-jerk how can you believe that#but I've tried to remind myself it's not the faith itself it's the institution that jaded me so badly#and the more I've done that the more i almost miss it? while at the same time still having that knee-jerk ew praying reaction#and it's weird and i don't like it and I'm tired it's almost midnight and i forgot where i was going with this#but i guess i just feel lost#i should just shut up now. I'm going to sleep. i might delete this in the morning idk#but i fought with my swipe too much to just not post it sorry folks#there are probably tons of fantastic typos i didn't even spot have fun sussing out meaning between those
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/* went for the continuing the previous thread scenario... —@spaceparanoids-highestscore */
Flynn had been meditating when the beacon lit, and so when he finally became aware of it, he had no idea how long it had been.
He ignored it. When he fought back, Clu only got more powerful, and he could not afford Clu's forces finding him, or getting a hold of his disc while the portal was open.
He ignored the beacon, and the news of a user in the datastream up until he found out the other user was Dillinger's Kid, but what could that tiny kid he'd seen Dillinger's wife dragging around between court hearing before the company'd been passed to him.
...Except that had been five years before he ended up trapped on the Grid, and a thousand cycles since. And if the kid was anything like his father...
Flynn was overcome with the sudden need to get the kid off the Grid, because he thought Clu was bad, but Dillinger's kid was anything like his father, things were about to get so, so much worse.
.........
And somehow that had led to a chase to the portal, and Flynn handing Dillinger's kid his disc and telling him he'd deal with Clu and Tron.
...Except that Dillinger's kid didn't listen, and instead dragged Flynn to the portal, squeezing his hand so tight that it might it might fall off.
"Like hell you're doing the noble sacrifice thing," Dillinger's son growled. "I'm so fucking tired of Bradley waxing poetic about the good ol' days and how much he misses you, and maybe if you're back your son will stop his obnoxious pranks on the company and I can get some damn sleep for once."
And before Flynn could process what the kid had said or the sensation of someone latching onto his other arm, they're in the portal, and then suddenly everything goes very dark.
Flynn was back in the real world, for the first time in twenty years.
He was so shocked, he didn't notice when Dillinger's kid turned off the computer, just that when he scrambled over to fix twenty years worth of chaos, it was off.
"What—what did you do?" he asked.
Dillinger's kid rolled his eyes. "Don't worry, everything's saved. I didn't delete your evil clone, but at least now he can't somehow make anything worse. It's late. We should both go home. Deal with it tomorrow."
As much as Flynn was skeptical, he did have a point, and now that the adrenaline rush was over and he was feeling every bit his age.
The Grid was shut down. He could deal with the aftermath tomorrow.
Except... now without the hum of the computer, he could hear another noise, somewhere between a purr and a growl, and realized that Dillinger's kid wasn't the only unexpected visitor to the arcade for the night.
Coming to the real world alone had never been the plan. It had been a spur of the moment decision once he’d scaled to the top of the portal tower. He saw the Users, saw that they were going to escape, and moved before he could register that he’d done so. That might’ve been a mistake.
He would’ve regretted the choice more had it not put him closer to achieving Clu’s goals. Kevin_Flynn and his coveted disc in one place, in the open and undefended. As soon as they’d arrived Rinzler had tucked himself into the darkness under the desk, using the fact that the lights hadn’t been activated to his advantage. He held in his rattling growl for as long as he could while waiting for the secondary target to exit. He didn’t require oxygen but the way the audio output was connected to his processor made it difficult.
Waiting for two equally insufferable Users to finish their idle exchange wasn't his idea of a productive use of his time but he couldn’t rush it, he needed to be patient and wait for an opportunity to arise. At least he knew the Grid was safe for now.
As soon as the other User left the room he latched into Kevin_Flynn’s ankle, pulling it with enough force to take the User to the ground. With that done he lunged out of his hiding spot and pinned him to the ground, scrambling at his back for the disc.
It was about more than just fulfilling his standing orders, now that Kevin_Flynn had done…something to try to make him think of firing on the Admin it was personal. Rinzler’s own discs had been left behind on the Rectifier but he could still fight without them, he wouldn’t fail.
…It wasn’t there.
Why the fuck wasn’t it there? Where had it gone? He’d been watching the entire time, the disc hadn’t been set down! Now that he was looking he could see that the User’s doc was missing too.
Rinzler would’ve screamed in frustration had he been capable of it, but he wasn’t so he was just going to have to settle for removing pieces of the User until he gave up the disc’ location. Normally he was against torture as it rarely leant itself to favorable results, but this was a difficult circumstance. Keeping his grip tight enough to not facilitate an escape he leaned in, Kevin_Flynn’s reflection staring back at him from the shiny surface of Rinzler’s helmet.
“Where is your disc, User?” His voice was so distorted it was difficult to understand what had been said, not helped by the loud growl he was emitting though the murderous intent was clear.
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Brother & Bestie: The Roy Problem
Summary: Still keeping a secret from your bestie your new fuck buddie tries to solve the problem.
1.9k
Dick Grayson x Reader
Warnings: SMUT 18+, edging, fingering, piv, blackmail.
The First Time
"Dick, you still haven't told me what you're going to do about Roy. What if he tells Jay? We're fucked," you start to pace around your kitchen, "we'll I'm fucked. Not like he's going to kill his brother." You sigh, planting your head on the kitchen counter.
"I'm handling it. Don't stress yourself over it," he leans down, kissing into your hair, "it'll be fine," his hands wrap around your middle pulling you up to hug you from behind, "I gotta go. Stay here and try not to spiral okay."
"I'll try, but I make zero promises."
"Good girl," he steps towards the door checking his phone, but just as he's about to leave he turns to face you, "and Pet, if he was to find out from Roy. I'd be in way more trouble than you." He shuts the door leaving you to reel in that statement until he gets back.
Xx
"Mr Harper, take a seat." Dick smirks at the younger man.
"What is this Grayson? You trying to intimidate me?" Roy tries to sound confident, but it comes across as the opposite.
"Nope, just wanted to talk."
"About what?"
"Exactly. Nothing. I just wanted to show you something." He opens his laptop, a file sitting on it labeled Harper's Harpies. "Thought you might want to see this."
"What is this? Blackmail? Didn’t think you’d sink this low."
"No, I just wanted to remind you that you did things that maybe you weren't proud of and that maybe you'd like Little Wing not to know about."
"You're not proud of her? Should be, you know Jay told me about the talk you guys had."
"Which talk was that?"
"When he asked you not to fuck her. To keep that fuckboy dick of yours in your pants. Don't know why he hasn't noticed yet, how long has it been going on?"
"None of your business."
"So you are fucking her."
"Look Roy," he leans down on the table, "I don't care if Jay knows. But she does, so I am asking you not to tell him." He changes tactics, knowing how the outlaws feel about you, "I know you guys have your banter, but you wouldn't do this to her would you?"
"Using her to save your skin? Not very classy Grayson."
"Blackmail didn't work, so yeah. She is though, she thinks he'll kill her."
"Kill you more like."
"You think I don't know that?” he runs his hands through his dark hair, “Please just keep it to yourself."
"Do you love her?"
"What a question." He sits down, resting his head in his hands. Dick sighs, does he love you? He could, he sees it when he goes to sleep at night. But what is this to you? He doesn't know.
"You're scared, I get it." Roy stands, "We’ve been friends a while and I love you, man. I won’t tell him, but you should. Keeping this going in secret isn’t good for anyone. Just promise me you’ll delete this and think long and hard about what you’re going to do and we're even."
"Didn’t think you cared about Jay seeing it?”
“I don’t, but I still don’t want it floating around.”
“Thank you." Dick clicks delete on the file, then looks up from his hands to see the pitying look on Roy's face as he opens the front door.
"I’m not doing it for you.” he pauses one foot already out of the door, “And Grayson,"
"Yeah."
"If you hurt her, even slightly as badly as Asami did. You will get twice the punishment," He slams the door and leaves Dick to dwell on his feelings.
Xx
"What happened? What did he say? Is he going to tell him?" You swarm Dick with questions as he comes through your door.
"Told ya I'd sort it, but Pet-" he's cut off when you jump into his arms, yours wrapping around his neck as your legs hold you close to him.
"Thank you, thank you," you liter his face with kisses. His hands sink into your ass grinding you down onto his cock.
"We should talk, I need to"
"Later, please. Please Dick."
"Okay Pet, later." His fingers slip under your dress, pulling your panties to the side, "you need me now don't you?"
"Yes, right now."
"So needy for me," he pushes your back into the wall, his fingers flicking through your pussy stopping to rub at your clit, "so desperate for my touch," his face pushes into your neck, licking and sucking at the soft flesh, "my pretty little pet. You've been such a good girl for me. You deserve a reward."
"Please," your nails dig into his back, gripping his shirt and pulling it over his head, "want to feel your skin."
"Hmm, smart girl. Clean these for me." He shoves his fingers in your mouth and when he's satisfied he pulls your dress up over your head, "no bra, Pet? Fuck, you really are perfect," his lips seal around your nipple while your hands fiddle with the button on his jeans, "there's no rush, let me take my time with you. I'll make you feel so good." His fingers thrust back into you, his teeth biting down on your nipple while his tongue flicks over it.
"Yes, fuck." You dress down onto him, your tit pressing out into his face. You can feel your release edging closer, your pussy clenching on his fingers while your tits tingle in his mouth.
"Can feel you getting close Pet," he mumbles his kisses moving up your body, "don't you cum."
"But you said you-"
"I promise to make you feel good. Trust me," his voice now in your ear, "do you trust me?"
"Really? Aladdin? Right now?"
"Stopped you from cumming didn't I?"
"Yes. You dick."
Grayson laughs, pulling his fingers from you and starting to walk down the hall towards your bedroom.
He drops you on the bed and drops his pants almost as fast. "Bring that pretty pussy to me, Pet." His fingers dig into your thighs, pulling you down to the edge of the bed. His face is buried in your pussy as he starts to lick you up.
"Fuck, give a girl a chance."
"No Pet. No chance," he smiles into your pussy before slowing down, his lips pressing their way into your inner thigh, "do you want me to stop?"
"No, don't stop."
"And your safewords?"
"Lance Tucker." You start to thrust up into his face.
"Good Pet," his tongue licks at you, laps at you, his fingers slipping inside you, "I know your body so well, Pet." His fingers split, spreading you open, and holding your cunt apart, "better than even you."
"Di- fuuc- I. AHhh."
"Like that noise means you're going to cum soon."
Your hands fist the sheets your heels digging into nothing as you try and find leverage go push your pussy further into dicks face, "dick, more, I need-"
"I know exactly what you need, Pet," he mumbles into you, "you need to hold it."
"Yes, I can-"
"I want you to want it" he starts to suck on your clit and when your pussy starts to pulse around him he stops, "I want you to want me."
"I do."
"Do you want me or do you just wanna cum?" His breath grazes over you, his finger just toying with you, "be honest."
"I want you to make me cum." you pant, squirming in the sheets as he climbs over you, crowding you into the mattress.
"That's a great answer, Pet. Because why?"
"Noone can make me cum like you can."
"Fucking right." Dick hoists your legs up over his shoulders, bending you in half as he kisses you deeply, "and Pet." His cock parts you, teasing you so bad it makes you shiver.
"Dick," you grab at his face, pulling his down down a deep kiss.
"Noone takes my cock as well as you." He shoves himself inside you grinding his pelvis down onto yours, his cock making you feel so full and fuck, you're so close already.
"Dick, if you don't stop that i-"
"I know, Pet. I can feel it."
"Fufk, can you, stop."
"No, I want it all." He grinds down harder, "all your cum," his nails dig into your thighs, his lips stealing another kiss, "it's mine Pet." You feel his cock throb inside you, "give it to me," he bites down on your lip, growling into your mouth, "give all of yourself to me."
"Ah, fukdk dick, I hwhs-" you moan a jumble of words that gets lost as your brain starts to melt and your legs start to chase. You can feel your pussy sucking dicks cock in, feel it hitting ao deep inside you and when he bites you again you lose your mind as you shatter underneath him.
He doesn't stop, instead changing movement to slam his hips into you. "Fuck, you take it so well," he drops your legs wrapping them around his hips, "draw me in, Pet." His hand holds your face, "look at me," you try but your eyes are so close to just rolling away to space, "stay here," he kisses you as if to keep your mind on this plane, "stay with me, Pet. Don't float away on me."
"I'm here," you flutter your lashes, trying to focus on those pretty blue eyes staring down onto you.
"Good girl, stay with me," he continues to pound into you, fucking you so full. But you keep your eyes on him and fuck if his smiles doesn't make this harder, make you want to cum harder, make you want to take him every moment of every day, "you’re doing so well for me, Pet."
Your hands grip at his shoulders as your back starts to lift from the mattress and he hits so deep within you. His cock throbs inside you, his Pacing becoming erratic as he changes his release inside you. It's so fucking hot the way he uses you like this, like you're his own little fuck toy, "Dick, I'm getting close again."
"Just let it out," he moans, "let all of it out and I'll follow you."
You pull him down for another kiss, your legs tightening around him and holding him so hard that he can barely move his hips to fuck you. "Fuck Dick," you fuck up onto him, pushing him further and deeper inside you.
"Yes, yes let. Fuck- I can feel it, you. God-" your cunt pulses and clenches down so hard on him, your body goes into full shakes as you cum on him. The sight of you losing yourself like this sends Dick over the edge and he cums so hard that his muscles tense and he collapses on top of you. Your legs are still holding him deep inside.
"Fuck, Dick. You ok?" You ask, your pussy still twitching around him.
"Hmm, sleepy. Are you alright?" He sits up, giving you space to breathe and inspecting the marks on your thigh, "do they hurt?"
"No. I like the sting.".
"Course ya do. Little degenerate." He pulls out of you, rolling onto his side and pulling you up to him and kissing your forehead.
"That was kind of intense." You angle into him, squirming at the cum dripping from you.
"Intense bad?"
"Just new. Any reason for that?"
"Maybe, maybe I just think you needed a treat. My pretty pet." He angles your face up so he can give you a sweet kiss.
"And Roy?" You finally ask.
"Let's not talk about hmHarper right now. Can we just cuddle in peace?"
"I guess. But we will talk about it, right?"
"Yeah," he pulls the comforter up over the both of you, "later."
#dick grayson.#dick grayson x reader#brother and bestie#reader x dick grayson#dick grayson#x reader#nightwing x reader
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Mc is afflicted with a curse that shows their true heart
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I shouldn't write fanfics on my phone and especialy don't finish them because I can't sleep but here we are
also might turn this in a real fanfic one day but depending how I feel might be an OC instead of Mc dependes on what might be easier for me to write
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Mc: (angry) an Angel?! are you fucking kidding in me! which fucked up rule book decided I would qualify as an Angel!
Satan: (laughing) well the curse said you will take form on whatever reflects your true heart
Lucifer: but no one could have guessed you would be an Angel instead of an De-
Asmo: (fawning over Mc) and such a cute one too if it was possible anyone could look better than me you would have the best chance Mc! (cuddling them)
Mc: (fighting) let me go!
Levi: lololo guess even as an Angel Mc still causes trouble
Satan: shouldn't we concentrate on the fact Mc is cursed?
Mammon: come on Satan! let us enjoy this moment a bit longer when do we have a chance to see Mc looking different (taking pictures)
Satan: you're just trying to take as many pictures of Mc as possible to sell them aren't you?
Mammon: (blushing) well who knows if we ever get such a great chance ever again
Beel: Mc is an Angel?
Belphie: (leaning on to their wings) and a really comfortable one
Mc: (still trying to fight Asmo of) Belphie not you too!
Belphie: (asleep) zzz
Mc: (moving around) Belphie!
Asmo: (pulling Mc closer) come on Mc those pictures will get so many likes on Devilgram
Mc: forget it! I won't let anyone see this embarrassement that I'm now
Beel: you look like always to me Mc well minus the wings
Mc: like always?! my entire outfit changed!
Beel: (smiling) it looks great on you
Mc: and!?
Mammon: (taking pictures) yeah Mc you look great!
Mc: Mammon you're so dead!
Mammon: (flinching) now now Mc this isn't something an Angel should say
Mc: oh yeah?! you know what an Angel also shouldn't say-
Lucifer: all of you shut up!!!
Mammon: eep!
Mc: (flinches)
Lucifer: Mc can you remember how you got the curse?
Mc: dunno I just went to sleep and woke up like this
Lucifer: do you know anyone who would want to curse you?
Mammon: curse? it's Mc we're talking about so pretty much the-
Lucifer: (glaring)
Mammon: sorry!
Lucifer: anyway... Mc Me and Satan will take a look at this and will tell you when we find an cure
~~Time skip~~
Satan: well seems like the only cure for you is to act like the complete opposite of your true heart
Mc: so a Demon? that will be easy for me!
Asmo: (pinching their cheek) I will miss this Mc you look so much cuter like this
Belphie: and they were such a wonderful pillow too
Mc: excuse you who are you calling a pillow!
Levi: well I won't miss this version of Mc I barely was able to spend time with them
Mc: thanks Levi-
Levi: I really wanted to dress them up as one of my favourite character!
Mammon: yeah Satan! you can't just take away my greatest source of income so quickly! I will make an fortune selling those pictures of Mc!
Mc: (glaring)
Mammon: I mean I will delete them at once Mc!
Lucifer: Mc what do you think would be the quickest way to turn back
Mc: I actually don't know, behaving like I usually do doesn't seem to help
Satan: maybe being rude to us could help
Mc: being... rude? isn't that what I always am (grining)
Lucifer: be serious!
Mc: sorry!
Levi: how about insulty you rarely do those
Mc: great idea Levi! okay get ready for some great insults everybody!
Asmo: I don't think they could say anything to hurt me
Satan: is Mc even good with insults? usually they just skip straight to violence
Mammon: this will be funny!
Levi: not like they would have a hard time insulting a yucky otaku like me
Belphie: wonder what they will say to you guys
Beel: I hope Mc won't take it to far
Lucifer: (glaring)
Mc: okay let's get started! Levi you are first
Levi: just make it quick Mc!
Asmo: ohh that's-
Mc: I actually admire you for your passion in your hobbies and how good you are in video games!
Levi: ...
Mc: next up Asmo!
Asmo: Mc I don't think you quiet understand what we a-
Mc: I think most people just reduce you to your appearence Asmo and forget about your wonderful personality and that you have just as interesting hobbies and unmazxhed make-up skills
Asmo: I take it back Mc dear keep talking~
Mc: okay Satan your turn!
Satan: Mc you do know those aren't insults ri-
Mc: you should stop comparing yourself with Lucifer just because you once were a part of him doesn't mean you still are you are you and we wouldn't want it any other way
Satan: Mc those-
Mc: and wo else could me and Belphie annoy Lucifer with you make the best plans and your a great help for to many things to count and much more fun to be around than Lucifer
Satan: (chuckling) your horrible Mc
Mc: okay how about-
Mammon: hey Mc! the hell you th-
Mc: how about Beel and then Belphie
Beel: Mc those aren't in-
Mc: I know you feel bad because your glutony get's in the way a lot but you're such a caring brother not only to Belphie but the others as well and so hardworking I don't think anybody could hardly be mad at you for this
Beel: Mc...
Mc: Belphie!
Belphie: I know what you'll say just make it quick...
Mc: just so you know I still haven't forgiven you but I'll be the bigger person for once, you know when your sloth doesn't get in the way you can be really sweet and nice you know? and even when it does you still try your best no matter what so I can kinda admire that
Belphie: (smiling) this is a lot nicer than I thought it would be
Mc: okay Mammon
Mammon: Oi! those aren-
Mc: I know your Brothers don't hold you in high regard but your honestly the sweetest demon I could ever meet and I'm really happy I get to spend time with you
Mammon: (tearing up) Mc...
Mc: okay last one Lucifer!
Lucifer: (grining) try your best
Mc: most of the time we don't see eye to eye but I respect you for taking care of your brothers and making sure nothing happens to them
The Brothers: ....
Mc: (confused) did I do... something wrong?
Beel: oh look Mc just got an Halo
#obey me#obey me shall we date#obey me imagines#obey me headcanons#obey me lucifer#lucifer avatar of pride#obey me brothers#obey me!#obey me mammon#mammon avatar of greed#obey me leviathan#leviathan avatar of envy#obey me satan#satan avatar of wrath#obey me asmodeus#asmodeus avatar of lust#obey me beelzebub#beelzebub avatar of gluttony#belphegor avatar of sloth#obey me belphegor
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Chunzhen... Lyfen 2.0?
There is an interesting storm brewing among C-BXG around Chunzhen and their treatment of turtles.
Some of you might remember a few years ago when one of DD's endorsement brands treated BXG very badly and caused some controversy. They held a brand event and tried to exclude turtles, and when they had an online draw for prizes, they drew 4 or 5 BXG as winners (which they discarded) before they finally pulled a solo (who they awarded the prize to).
After the event when turtles were angry and trying to dig into what happened, it came out that the CEO was a solo fan (suspected of being a girlfriend fan) and went out of her way to shut out BXG. She came to be known as the creepy tiara lady because she was wearing a tiara and fawning over DD during the live event.
The BXG who won the initial draw even sued Lyfen for not giving her the prize she rightfully won, and Lyfen's team argued that they were trying to protect DD's reputation from rumors of being gay. Lyfen won the case (😐).
Anyway, a similar thing seems to be brewing again around Chunzhen.
Because both GG and DD endorse products that are under the parent company, most solo fans refuse to support the brand or buy the products. BXG are believed to have been carrying the bulk of the sales from the very beginning.
At the live event the other day, organizers tried to exclude BXG, and confiscated their banners and headbands. They also held an online lottery similar to the one Lyfen held, and excluded BXG from it. When photos from the event were released, BXG colors were covered over in green.
I don't think I should need to explain why that behavior deeply offended BXG. As some turtles have been saying on Weibo, is this company so rich that it can afford to throw away loyal, devoted customers? Does this company not need money? Is not every customer a customer? Are they not all worthy of the same level of service and care?
That the brand would take in solos who've refused to buy the products, while turning away people who have been carrying the sales for years, it's quite shocking.
C-BXG are up in arms and angry about this, and are vowing to never again purchase this brand. Many had products in their shopping baskets because of the brand event and were planning to make orders, and have deleted those orders.
It will be interesting to see how this plays out in the coming weeks. C-BXG have some pretty compelling data to show that they have more purchasing power than solo fans on this. Will solos hold their noses and buy this brand, or will sales coming from DD just fizzle away?
I'm sure some people are wondering why this would happen. It just really boils down to who is making decisions for the brand, or even just for the event.
Every individual who works at a company is going to come to that company with their own values and attitudes, and it's not unheard of for individuals to put their own feelings ahead of the bottom line for the company. We saw that with Lyfen, and I guess now we're seeing that with Chunzhen.
It is possible that somebody at the brand is a solo, or homophobic, or both. It doesn't even have to be someone at the brand, it could be somebody bending that person's ear, even a wife or daughter or other family member.
Wherever it comes from, it is just part of the bigotry that turtles sometimes face because of the nature of this fandom. I encourage fans to let it roll off of your turtle shells and not let it get to you too much.
Fans also needn't worry about DD. He will have already gotten paid for the work he's done, and it's highly unlikely he'd get any extra money based on sales.
If this relationship ends after the current term, it will be no loss as far as I'm concerned. I doubt DD will lose any sleep over it either. He doesn't seem to have any shortage of endorsement opportunities.
A lot will depend on how sales go. 😅
Edit: They seem to love a scandal.
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High- CBG
MDI
Genre: smut
Pairing: Beomgyux afab! Reader
Word count:~ 2000
Warning ⚠️: smoking? I’m not sure what else
Not proofread- might delete later because I hate it
You took the joint out of Beomgyus hand and placed it between your lips inhaling the smoke and keeping it in your lungs a few seconds more before exhaling it back in his face, laughing at his reaction. You and Gyu haven't been friends for that long, getting high was the only thing that brought you close enough to spend time with each other alone. You enjoyed his company and his taste in music and it would also be a lie if you said you didn't find him attractive.
"Yeah, but I like yours better". You tease and wink at him making him scoff. The atmosphere was comfortable making you sink into the couch. The few puffs you took already were clouding your mind, making it all fuzzy forgetting everything about your mundane life. It always had the same effect on you, relaxing you and making things around you move slower getting rid of all the anxiety and stress. You open your eyes after a specifically long blink only to be greeted by your friends eyes only a few inches away. The sudden closeness made you flinch slightly. Both his hands were rested on the backrest of the couch, prompting himself, trapping you in between his arms.
"Yeah, but I like yours better". You tease and wink at him making him scoff. The atmosphere was comfortable making you sink into the couch. The few puffs you took already were clouding your mind, making it all fuzzy forgetting everything about your mundane life. It always had the same effect on you, relaxing you and making things around you move slower getting rid of all the anxiety and stress. You open your eyes after a specifically long blink only to be greeted by your friends eyes only a few inches away. The sudden closeness made you flinch slightly. Both his hands were rested on the backrest of the couch, prompting himself, trapping you in between his arms.
" Ha ha Gyu, now stop playing. I'm too high for this". You say trying to sound confident but sound just a bit unsure by your words. Beomgyu leans closer to your year breathing heavily.
"If you wanted to taste my lips you could've just asked, no need to steal my blunt". You skip a breath not sure how you're supposed to reply to his sudden teasing. Meanwhile he gives you back your space, plopping beside you on the couch, wrapping his fingers around your wrist moving your hand with the joint to his lips inhaling the smoke. You were still stunned, that was visible to anyone and even he did give you back your personal space his fingers around your wrist or his knee touching yours made your skin feel hot.
"Oh?" You barely took notice to his exclamation, turning your attention back on his face. His eyes were open wide in surprise while moving his face back close to yours. "This is an interesting turn of events, isn't it?".
You attempt to clear your voice and move look anywhere but at the boy in front of you, preoccupying yourself with the burning blunt in your hand. "Shut up Gyu, I told you, I'm took high to bicker with you".
"Who said anything of fighting?" His voice was soft and slow, he was now getting closer, making you shift. You back was now resting on the armchair while your friend was crawling over you until he was mostly on top of you. "Do I look good like this?". The smirk on his face made you scoff at his arrogance making you a bit more comfortable, remembering he is still the silly clumsy and arrogant boy you knew, even in the situation you found yourself in. You find the courage to talk back to him even though your burning skin and throbbing clit combined with the smoke made you not think rationally. Your hand reaches his chin, holding it up and tugging it even closer to you. "Looking for validation? You look high Gyu, you should go to sleep". You manage to bite back your amusement trying to look as serious as possible making Beomgyu pout a little. You'd expect him to stop playing by now and start tickling you or start a pillow fight but instead his hand goes under your shirt tracing over your ticklish skin making you squirm from time to time.
"C'mon Y/N, don't be like that...hm?" His eyes were big and glossy but also full of light and lust making you visibly gulp. This position, him on top of you, his hand tracing invisible shapes onto your sensitive burning skin, your hand holding his head close to yours, his puppy eyes looking into yours as if asking for permission. Everything felt like a dream, all resulting from you both being heigh, blurry mind and lots of tension. You were needy and you couldn't deny it anymore, the wetness in your underwear making you uncomfortable. Without another thought you lean in and leave a quick and soft peck on Beomgyus lips before leaning back to see his reaction. You don't get a second to process what you just did because you find Gyus lips smashed back onto yours with more force and passion. The kiss is sloppy and gets messy quickly, not being able to get enough of each other's warmth. Your hands find their way to his hair tugging at the soft locks lightly making your friend whimper into the kiss. The sound made you clench around nothing, responding to a moan in response.
You break the kiss of first, not being able to breath properly. You take a few second to take in the sight of him. Swollen lips, breathing heavily looking at you through lidded eyes, as a result from him smoking. He grabs your thighs, his head now moving lower until his cheek is pressed against you inner thigh, looking at you with pleading eyes.
"You look good like that" you let out a breathy compliment making him smile sweetly at you.
"I'll make you feel good, I promise". He was asking for your consent, trying to prove himself worthy to please you, his plead making you almost feel sorry but for sure making you hornier than you were ten second ago so you give him a small nod making him quiver in excitement.
His long fingers start moving along your folds, over the material of your shorts that soon got soaked in your arousal. Once his fingers moved high enough to touch your throbbing clit you throw your head back, grinding your hips into his hand.
"Fuck". Poor Gyu was growing harder, only being able to rock his hips against the couch to release some of that frustration. He looked so pretty, all desperate to make you feel good while trying not to lose himself. His hands gently caress your hips and then legs while slowly taking your shorts and underwear off trying to do it in a sensual manner but not being able to hide his excitement.
“You’re not going to break me, I promise. You can go faster” His eyes rise from your sensitive spot to your eyes while having the most innocent look you ever saw on his face, the words following setting your brain and line of thoughts on fire.
“Oh but that’s exactly what I’m trying to do”. Before you could even regain trust in your voice you immediately lose it again, moaning instead of forming words at the sudden stimulation of your clit. Beomgyus fingers were circling around your clit while his face was back to snuggling your thighs, kissing and sucking on them leaving violent purple marks on them, the pain making you whimper uncontrollably.
“H-hurts. Don’t do that”. You felt like you were running with a high fever, the warmth in your cheeks making you dizzy”
“Pretty… you’re leaking though”. He wasn’t wrong, you could feel leaking onto the couch, him calling you out like that only raising the embarrassment you felt, making you hide your face with your hands.
“Oh…You don’t like to watch me? That makes me a bit sad”. His tone shifted this time, it was a bit more condescending, like he was planning to make you beg for him for a change and he didn’t waste another second before gathering enough arousal with his fingers and pushing them deep inside of you, his mouth now resuming where his fingers left, stimulating your clit. His fingers were long and slender, making you feel him deep inside of you, your lips leaving a yelp from surprise. His fingers would curl inside of you, pushing in and out with quick movements while he started alternating between sucking your clit and circling it with his tongue. You could feel yourself clench around his fingers while your hips started trusting against him searching for release. Your hands find their way to his hair again, using them to bone his head to the rithm you want, making him giggle.
“Aw.. you’re finally looking at me? Am I doing good?” You nod quickly making him smirk but you knew he was waiting for something more from you. His fingers were still working inside of you, pushing into your gspot in a teasing way making tears fall down your eyes but his tongue never returned to your clit.
“P-Please Gyu, make me cum hm? You made me fell so good, don’t you want me to cum for you?”. Now he was satisfied. He resumed his earlier position, his tongue abusing your clit while his fingers regained the speed and started trusting over and over again against you sweet spot making you legs shiver, forcing Gyu to use his free hand to keep your tighs apart while slowly massaging one. “Ahh- Gyu it… it feels weird. I think I’m coming I-“ before you were even able to finish your sentence, the boy between your legs bites your clit softly sending you over the edge, making you cum while your legs shake uncontrollably. Your high took longer than usual, the orgasm feeling more violent than anything you’ve ever experienced. Only when you looked back down at Beomgyu through your hazy eyes did you realise you squirted all over him and the couch. Before you could even apologise you look at your friend that was now staring at the mess he made of you with wide eyes. You could even say he was proud of himself. You could see his tip leaking making a mess out of his sweats. You chuckle at the dumbfounded boy and somehow find the strength to guide his face to yours to kiss him in order to bring him back to reality. “Want help with that?”. After a few seconds and a bit of hesitation from him he confessed in a low tone. “I uhm… finished while eating you out”. Not to say that you were the one who borrowed his dumbfounded expression feeling unsure what just happened here. Let’s just blame it on being high.
#fanfic#txt smut#txt beomgyu#choi beomgyu#smut#txt yeonjun#txt scenarios#txt huening kai#txt soobin#txt taehyun#txt x reader#txt fluff#afab reader#beomgyu smut
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GUYS DONT PRESS P ON THE TITLE SCREEN WORST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE (Dev log #15)
AT LAST, SUMMER IS HERE!!!!! I am so excited I can finally rest I- oh right. Summer classes. Sigh. Well, they don’t take up the whole day thank god and I don’t need to be there, but It’s still not exciting. Oh well. Maybe I’ll play the sims 4 again and check on how my poor little torture victims are doing/j Jk jk, I don’t torture my sims. Unless you consider naming them things probably EA wouldn't approve of, then yeah I guess I am a horrible person.
But yeah, on the week I released the demo (which by the way, thanks for the 58 views!!!! thas crazy) I was putting up with finals. Some of my classes had to be pushed to the next week, and that was INFURIATING. It was kinda agony because I just wanted everything to be done and over with and I was practically exhausted. Like sleeping at 7 pm exhausted. Yeah......Well, should I even talk about how my life is going? I flunked the review for my major. Thank god, honestly. I mean, I didn't do it on purpose, and I am sad in a way that I flunked it, but I didn't want to continue on the route I was going on. I feel kinda stupid for even trying but I guess it's ok to make mistakes in your early 20's rather than your 30's... for some reason.
Ok, dev time. I decided to take a break from making sprites for a bit. So I worked on a part of the game that I would have left a secret, but I think it’s quite funky hehehe
I like old computers. I would have replicated the windows XP thing because I have so many memories of it, but I'm scared Windows might snipe me or something. I once was lying on the couch my parents turned into a bed (I think I was sick at the time), and it was late at night, and the computer was shutting down (it played this sound: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gb2jGy76v0Y) and for some reason the noise absolutely scared the absolute living shit out of me (I think I was like 4-5 years old and I was terrified of bassy sounds). I do not remember ever having any positive relationships with computers before I turned 6 lol. I’m pretty sure I used to think I could live without them. Oh you poor bastard. If you saw me now not only would you not understand a single word I’m saying, you would be incredibly disappointed with how dependent I am on computers. I think once I'm done with that I'll try to fix whatever is going on outside scene, because that's the only scene that causes the game to crash. I'm pretty sure it's because there's too many objects, because when I turned off the animations and the visibility it still took forever to load (like, nearly 2 seconds. The scene takes 4 seconds to load, and normally a scene would take me less than a second to load). soooo, uh yeah, I'm trying to find an occlusion culling equivalent to solve this because that's a 3d game thing, and this is a 2d game lol. I'm thinking of turning off visibility for when they're outside the viewing frustrum (player's line of sight, or more like rectangle) because it cuts down half the time for when the scene loads. If nothing works I guess it's just deleting and re-adding the child back into the scene every time the camera is on them... sigh. If it ticks me off too much I'll probably return to doing sprites because there's still a lot to do lol.
Well.... I so far got no other ideas for references in this game, so I guess I'll put in the inspiration of the outro (which is the Portal outro)
youtube
(not my video)
I know, I know. Cheesy. BUT instead of it being in the antagonist's view, it's the protagonist's view instead. I tried singing for the song, but every time I do I make Jojo Siwa sound like a professional vocalist (I don't even know why she still sings. Didn't she bust one of her vocal chords already? Or is that a rumor? Either way that's already gotta be a sign that you probably shouldn't continue on the route you're on.) I literally had 5 attempts on my computer and they all sound horrible. I'm not going to put them on the internet for my sake and your sake too. So yeah, no vocals. But the lyrics will still be there. They won't have the typing effect though.
I once had a strange dream that I was looking through the itch.io comments and someone kept spamming about how they headcannoned Xandra to be a trans man and were like honestly I don't know how my brain combined those several factors together but I find that funny.
yes its the caseoh meme. no i will not apologize
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9/30/22
This might be an intense one. I wanna refer back to earlier tonight, a big wake-up. Maybe a memory, I know I've discovered this before, but it's like... I just sorta understand it better than I did back then? I'm being vague, let me elaborate.
I was recording for Session, trying to get some clips to put on Instagram as like... a test market before crossposting on YouTube too. I wanna treat learning how to skate with a controller in Session Hardcore mode the way I've been treating learning how to skate on a real board or snowskate. I want to document my progress, daily, weekly, whatever ends up working best. I was filming for this, and by the end of the night, ended up with a little reel which came out pretty sick tbh. About halfway through, I was thinking about music again. Here it is, I uncovered the lead-up, sick, I forgot until now!
So I was listening to MrSuicideSheep - I've been listening to his mixes a LOT over the past... like 8 years honestly. I had suggested just the day before that my brother do playlists of music, searching through Soundcloud for unsigned, undiscovered good music. That way I have good shit to play on stream, don't have to worry about DMCA and I can promote small artists all at the same time. Win across the board. Then I went... yo... why am I just sitting here waiting for him to "think about it". That's like 90% of the time guaranteed to be a "no". When I could just fuckin do it myself. I could even stream my searches for music. Digging through the bowels of Soundcloud, looking for musicians with like 20 followers that are actually really damn good, giving honest, real artistic/musical critique as I go. When I played out this scenario in my head, which was very vivid, I referred to myself by my old moniker. My old persona, who happened to be my primary musical persona.
What happened was that I took my music persona and mixed it with things that I'm not proud of. Nothing horrible, just embarrassing. In a time that I was very sad and very lonely, and attached to whatever people would take me in like a stray dog wandering in a bad neighborhood. And, to be fair, put on anti-psychotics for... help sleeping??? This has happened to me quite a few times in my life, it's a very clear recurring pattern. But this one just sticks with me. I don't feel comfortable going into any more detail than that.
When I got in my last relationship. Let's just paint the scene here first. My ex broke up with me when I hurt my leg in 2010. I dated 1 girl inbetween and went on like 4 dates. I didn't date my last ex until about 2015-2016. I don't date a lot. Because I give every candidate a full chance, not half my attention, or purely lust. Because I'm looking for a partner, not something to entertain me because I'm bored. When I started dating this last one, very quickly I had begun to plot the dismantling of my former persona. Former dominant persona, I should say. This was the nickname every friend I had in college knew me by, I was called that name more often than my real name. It was my old username for a lot of stuff, dating back very far. I had to have a viking funeral for him. I had to shut everything down, delete most of the traces that remained, and try to move on.
But I was young. I didn't know what I was doing with it. I just expected if I kill off part of my ego, that something better would just grow back or something. Maybe I wasn't thinking, or I was taking peoples' words for it that it was the right thing? Or just acting on faith? I don't know what it was. But what happened, to the best of my recollection, was that I lost my sense of self. I didn't recognize myself in the mirror. I didn't recognize the woman I was dating. I lost direction and purpose. I started feeling physically ill.
It wasn't a sudden collapse of my subpersona, it was building for a long time. He wasn't happy, he wasn't doing what he wanted. He was making compromises left and right, and the compromises always took more than they gave, by a wide margin. When I couldn't take any more, I saw the opportunity to settle down and start a family and swan dived towards it. As I stated in the last paragraph, it did not go well.
I've told the story of what happened since then before. What I really want to focus on is the impact of what happens to you when you kill off, or ask to leave, or dissolve, I don't know a good word for it... banish? Exile? Something like that. Banish works. What happens when you banish your primary identity. The person you identify as. The person that you are comfortable in the skin of, whose name spoken out loud makes your head turn. Bad shit.
I wonder if this is what they mean by ego death. Google time. What's pretty cool is the first Google search result is Timothy Leary. I have a book of his, I really should read it sometime. It's not that long. Anyway, I don't know if this that I'm talking about is full-on ego death, so I still don't know what to call it.
But that moment of burning that old life down. I guess in Tarot it would be a Tower moment, right? Tearing down the old habits, the old monument of the life before - in the card it's by a lightning strike, but I think I just kinda played god on that one and said "fuck it, it's time to evolve."
I tried to bring him back a few years later. The first time I split up with my ex for like 2 weeks, I immediately tried to resurrect him. But I didn't just bring him back the way he was, I tried to revive a spiritually enlightened form of him. It resulted in one of the best songs I've ever written. Hands down. And a massive shift in my lyric writing style, a giant growth spurt. Then, I went back to my ex. Like a big ol dumdum. And he went away. Then I left her for good. And after a few months of trying to patch my life together... and some major changes... I brought the resurrected old me back for a second spin.
This time, it got wild. This time, I tried to take my old self that was fused with spiritual self, and add in my weed-smoking hippie self from college. The combination was jarring for most. I think they forgot those old faces, and seeing them talk about spirituality out of nowhere threw a lot of them off. I mean, in hindsight, they were all self-absorbed assholes either way, because who the fuck doesn't support someone dealing with a major breakup, the loss of their purpose in life and two nearby deaths? Crazy shit.
But yeah, I had to banish him too. I clung to him for a long fuckin time. I was literally in a therapists office in a meeting in tears when I told him it had to happen. That I was grieving already and I was just so tired of having to tell this guy to leave. I love him. He's a huge part of me. But people around me keep taking offense to parts of him, I don't even see what it is anymore.
I'm tired. I'm gonna need to pass out. But I really wanted to touch on this because it had me crying a bit and apologizing to my cat for - I want to stop saying "killing", he's not dead at all, he can't die, he's a character - banishing her father. I apologized for how disorienting that must have been. She just looked at me funny, started purring and tried to go to sleep on my lap. So I'd say we reached a pretty firm understanding between us. XD
Bed time. More packing tomorrow. Hope I can get my brother involved for creative projects, I have a ton of ideas and they're gonna take up every minute of my time if I have to do all of them myself. The amount of content I could crank out if I had a good editor that knows what he's doing... it's pretty staggering to think about. Fingers crossed.
#diary#journal#stream of thoughts#spilled thoughts#online journal#stream of conscious writing#self care#self improvement#mental health
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𝐅𝐔 - 𝐉𝐨𝐡𝐧𝐧𝐲 𝐒𝐮𝐡
pairing: Johnny x reader
summary: You wanted to be all alone with your boyfriend on New Year’s Eve, but after a heavy fight, he left you before the clock struck midnight. You were all alone the whole night while he was with another woman. The woman he told you not to worry about. One day, after forgiving him for leaving you alone, you find out that she was texting him, that he cheated and you breakup. But breaking up with the love of your life was hard and you couldn’t stop yourself from loving him.
song: FU - Miley Cyrus
genre: established relationship, angst, smut
warnings: smut, cheating, swearing, alcohol consumption
word count: 5.7k
A/N: first of all thank you so so much for 900 followers!! You have no idea how happy and thankful I am. I hope you enjoy this!! 💖💖💖
taglist: @aesthetichrj @bvbyxuxi @bitchenderyy @chitaphrrrr
this is fiction!
© tyongxnct on all platforms
Oh, you broke my heart
I told you I was weak for love
But then you went around
And did what you wanted to do
And now I'm crying, crying
“Don’t you fucking get it Y/n?! There’s nothing going on between me and her! Why are you always so fucking insecure?!”
“Are you being serious right now? I just-“
“Just what Y/n?! Huh?! Do you always have to ruin everything?! One night, one fucking night and you can’t keep your mouth shut! You’re so damn frustrating. It’s fucking New Year’s Eve and you just have to annoy the shit out of me!” Johnny yelled at you. He closed his eyes to calm down, but all he saw was red and he needed to go.
“But Johnny-“
“No! I don’t wanna hear anything. I’m leaving. Happy fucking new year.” He cut you off, he didn’t care about your feelings at that moment. All he wanted was fresh air and be far, far away from you.
“No please don’t go I’m sorry-“
You tried to apologize, but Johnny simply didn’t care.
It was almost midnight and you didn’t want the night to end like this. All you wanted was spend the night with Johnny. Just you, Johnny, wine, and a great dinner. This was your third New Year’s Eve with Johnny and your first New Year’s Eve alone with him. You had spent the last two years with your mutual friends at some party, but this year you wanted to be just with him.
Things escalated quickly.
First he was distracted, he was on his phone the whole dinner and then, while watching a movie he chose, he was also on his phone. Then, he got a phone call and was in your shared bedroom talking for almost an hour.
Your special night together suddenly turned to a shit night for you.
You were suspicious about his behavior. Always on his phone, always talking to someone and whenever you asked whom he was talking to he answered with a simple ‘a friend’. But you knew exactly who that friend was and when you had enough, you confronted him about her.
Johnny left your apartment, he was slightly tipsy, the wine you drank was in his system and he knew that his next decision was stupid, so dumb and would destroy everything you had built, but in that moment, he didn’t care.
So his next move was to call her and ask her if she was free. It was New Year’s Eve, she was probably at some party or with her family, but she quickly dropped her friends and the party she was at to meet Johnny at her apartment.
The clock struck midnight and instead of kissing you, Johnny’s lips were on her lips and you were finishing the second bottle of wine. You sat on the balcony and watched the firework with tears rolling down your cheeks whereas your boyfriend was kissing another girl, pleasing another girl, and breaking his promises.
That night, you celebrated New Year’s Eve with tears in your eyes and pain in your heart.
Johnny woke up in the middle of the night.
He looked to his left to see you sleeping next to him but when he saw someone else next to him in bed, he remembered what he did. He remembered how he told you that there was nothing going between her and him and then he remembered how he fucked her, how he cheated on you.
“Fuck.” He mumbled as he looked at the clock on the wall.
03:27
He didn’t kiss you on midnight. He wasn’t with you, you weren’t in his arms, someone else was.
Johnny left the apartment without thinking and rushed home to you. Johnny couldn’t describe how much regret he felt, how guilty he felt. He wanted to cry, he wanted to delete last night from his memory.
He unlocked the door and it was dark inside of the apartment, you were probably sleeping. Johnny’s heart was beating against his chest, he didn’t know what to do. Should he tell you what happened last night? Should he tell you he cheated and broke his promises?
Johnny saw you curled up on the couch, your eyes closed but swollen, you wear wearing his hoodie and hugging the pillow tightly. The balcony was still open and the winter breeze entered you apartment. Your body was cold, hands formed to fists and brows furrowed. Two empty bottles of wine on the coffee table and one used wine glass.
Johnny got on his knees and pressed little kisses on your forehead, your cheeks and nose. He wanted to kiss your lips so bad, but his lips still tasted like the other woman he had been with that night.
“B-Baby?” he whispered softly, “Baby, come on let’s go to bed.”
You didn’t react.
Johnny carried you softly to your bedroom and tucked you in your bed. After getting ready for bed, he also got under the covers and pulled your body closer to his and held you tightly in his arms.
“I’m so sorry.” He cried out. Johnny felt terrible, he couldn’t lose you, the only option was to keep it a secret and delete last night from his memory. Johnny fell asleep crying.
You woke up between Johnny’s arms. He was holding you tightly and it didn’t look like you could get out of his arms anytime soon. He was soring softly and you could tell he was tired.
You stayed in bed for another hour and Johnny slowly woke up.
“Can you let me go?” you asked coldly. You were still hurt.
“S-Sorry.” He let go of you and you were about to leave the room but Johnny stopped you.
“Listen… I-I know you’re mad and I know I made a big mistake. I shouldn’t have left. I’m the biggest idiot on the planet, I’m so sorry I left you alone last night and… and the things I said. I didn’t mean them. I love you. Only you.”
Your hand was on the door handle, holding tightly. You didn’t answer, you didn’t know what to say. Were you still mad? Yes. Were you still hurt? Yes. You just wanted to be alone.
“Y-You left me alone o-on New Year’s Eve. You just left me all alone, I wanted to be with you. You know that I don’t have anyone. You know that I’m all alone and you still left. I only have you but you left me too.”
That was true. You had lost your parents a couple years ago and you don’t have any siblings. You don’t have any family left and you have only Johnny in your life. You were never the person to find friends easily, but Johnny was different. You were friends with his friends, but you were too shy and insecure to call them or text them. You hated it.
“I know- I’m sorry. Let me make it up to you, baby. Do you want to have dinner again tonight? I’ll cook. Or we can go out to that restaurant you love, let’s go on a date, hmm? Tell me baby. Tell me what you want.” He got up and walked closer to you. You stepped back on reflex.
Johnny stopped on his tracks and looked at you, worry written all over his face.
“D-Do you hate me that much?” he whispered.
“I-“
You didn’t know what to say.
“I think I need to be alone.” And then you left your bedroom and locked yourself in the bathroom and started crying.
Johnny knew he had to leave you alone, you had to calm down and he needed to find a way to make it up to you. He knew the fucked up, and the secret he carried was haunting him. Whenever he looked at you, he felt his heart ache.
Maybe you were blinded by your love for him or maybe you were just stupid, but you couldn’t be mad at him any longer.
You entered the bedroom and saw Johnny looking on the ceiling like a lost puppy. He instantly got up and looked at you. “D-Do you want me to leave?”
You were still crying and playing with your fingers. “I-I want to go o-on a that date with you. B-But that doesn’t mean I forgive you. I’m still hurt.” You sobbed.
“Okay baby, anything for you. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry I left you alone. I’ll make it up to you, okay? I love you so much.” He stroked your tears away and cupped your cheeks. “I’m not going to hurt you again.”
Ooh, it seemed like everything was going fine
I found the love that I thought was gonna last
Then I accidentally saw a few things in your cell
I even LOL'd, man, I should've known
Why, why you're doing what you do
You, you might as well just tell the honest truth
See, I'm not really down with this
This ain't no texting shit
Know I got no biz,
But it is what it is
I don't really have much to say
I was over it the second that I saw her name
The first couple weeks of January, Johnny acted like the perfect boyfriend. He did everything he could to make you happy, to make you smile brightly at him.
You could see that he tried to make his mistake up to you and you enjoyed how he showered you with love. You were sure that he was the one, that Johnny was your future.
But that one night, January 31, changed everything.
You were waiting for Johnny to finish his shower. It was date night and you decided to go to the movies. While you were scrolling through your Instagram feed, Johnny’s phone ringed non-stop. He received text after text and even two calls and the sound annoyed the shit out of you. You got up to turn his sound off, but when you accidently saw the last text he got, you almost dropped the phone. You didn’t want to go through his texts, but you couldn’t stop yourself from reading the text she sent him.
19:27 Sujin: hey baby, I miss u
19:27 Sujin: are you free tonight? My pussy missed your dick!!!
19:28 Sujin: *picture attached*
It was a picture of her, half naked, you could fully see her breasts.
You should’ve known. You should’ve known that he lied when he told you that there was nothing going on between him and her.
You couldn’t cry, all you could do was laugh. Laugh at how stupid you were.
Why did he lie to you? Why didn’t he just tell you the truth? You were done with him and with his lies. Maybe it was your own fault. You knew that there was something, but you still believed him and took him back that night on New Year’s Eve. He said so much mean and disgusting things to you, Johnny acted like you were crazy and just out of your damn mind. He called you insecure. Johnny called you so many things and in the end, you were right.
You went to your shared bedroom and started packing a couple of your things. You needed to leave. Now.
You couldn’t cry. You wanted to, but you couldn’t. There were no tears left.
You packed some clothes, you weren’t going to move out. He cheated, he broke your heart and he has to leave. But you couldn’t stand being next to him. You would come back when he was gone.
Johnny entered the bedroom with a towel around his waist. His hair was still wet and little drops of water glistened on his body. Suddenly all you could see were her traces on his body. Love bites on his neck, down to his chest.
“Babe?”
You realized you were staring at him a little too long, the love bites were gone and Johnny came closer to you with a smirk.
“We can skip the movie if you want to.” He put two fingers on your chin and leaned down to kiss you, but you pulled back. Almost tripping over your bag.
“Babe? You good?”
“Cut the bullshit Johnny. I want you to leave and take all of your fucking shit with you. We’re done. I’ll come back when you’re gone.”
Johnny looked at you with so much confusion written all over his face. “Babe what are you talking about?”
“Go to your whore. She probably has enough space for you two.” You said with no emotion as you grabbed your bag.
Johnny still didn’t understand what you were talking about. “W-What are you saying? Baby I really don’t understand- What do you mean? Whore?”
You started laughing, “Come on, you know exactly who I’m talking about. She misses you so much Johnny. Poor girl needs her hole filled with your fucking cock. Go to her. She’s waiting for you.”
Johnny still didn’t get what you meant. “Fucking hell, I saw her texts Johnny! I’m leaving.”
It took Johnny a minute to realize what just happened.
You were about to leave the room when he stopped you. “Listen- please just listen to me.”
You scoffed, “There’s nothing you could say, Johnny.”
“T-There was nothing serious. S-She just texted me shit like that-“
“No Johnny! This isn’t just you and her texting, this is about you being not loyal to me. You lied to me, you called me names, you broke all your promises and you still cheated. You cheated on me with her, you don’t have to lie anymore. I won’t stop you anymore. Feel free to do whatever you want. Not that I stopped you from doing whatever you wanted before, but now you don’t need to come back to me anymore.”
You voice was filled with venom, Johnny knew he fucked up and he thought you would never find out, but now that you did, he didn’t know what to do or what to say to keep you, to make you stay.
“No no no don’t go. L-Let’s talk about this. Baby please don’t leave me. I love you.” Johnny started crying. For the first time in your life, you saw him cry.
You didn’t know how to feel about seeing him cry, but you listened to your brain and not to your heart like you always did and your brain told you to leave. You were done with him. So you left without looking back.
I got two, ooh, ooh letters for you
One of them's F and the other one's U
'Cause what you gotta do, is go get yourself a clue
Only two, ooh ooh letters to choose
One of them's F and the other one's U
SMH, I'm pressing send on you
Johnny texted you about thousand messages every day since you left. He called and left thousand voicemails. After two weeks, you also got mail with letters. Letters filled with apologies.
You hated him so much, but you couldn’t stop listening to his voicemails or stop reading his texts and letters. Maybe it was because you missed him or maybe you felt better now that he ran after you like a lost puppy. But you couldn’t let go of him if he keeps sending you things like that.
22:04 J: I won’t stop trying.
22:05 J: I love you too much to let you go.
You laughed at that. He loves you? Is cheating his way of loving you? You decided to answer him.
22:10 you: Fuck u Johnny. You don’t know anything about love so just stop and don’t embarrass yourself.
22:10 J: I can’t believe you texted back. I knew you were reading my messages. Please, let’s talk.
22:13 you: Don’t you get it? I don’t want to see you.
22:14 J: Okay, then answer the phone. Let’s just talk.
Your phone started ringing and you almost answered. It rang and rang and he called you again and again, but you never answered.
22:50 you: stop calling. Stop texting. Just leave me alone.
You shook your head angrily.
He left you alone on New Year’s Eve, why was it so hard for him to leave you alone now?
Could've been this, could've been that
We done been there, we done been back
You ain't with it, could've said that
Why you tripping, let me hit that
I ain't trying to argue more.
I do it all for you,
You know you're my right eye
Baby, let me show you
Johnny was about to lose his mind.
After you left nothing made sense anymore. He was lonely. Lonelier than ever. Johnny has many friends but he never left the apartment to hang out with them.
There was no point in going out and coming back to a lonely home.
He missed you, he missed everything about you. He realized, after you left, that he loved so many small things about you. For example, the way you sneezed, that was the cutest sound he has ever heard or the way you always fell asleep with a little smile on your face. A smile he missed.
Johnny missed to see you on the couch, a pillow between your arms because you couldn’t hug Johnny, he had to take a shower or for whatever reason he couldn’t watch tv without you.
Oh, how he wished he could just drop everything and cuddle with you on the couch. You could’ve been in his arms right now, you could’ve been kissing him like you always did. You loved kissing him and he missed the feeling of your lips on his.
He regrets cheating on you. He regrets it so much and there’s not a single day without him crying about that.
Johnny rarely cried, you knew that, but after you left, he couldn’t stop his tears.
He had to show you how much he loved you, how much you mean to him. Johnny had to show you, that he wants to spend the rest of his life with you. Johnny would do anything to get you back.
Oh, I know what's been going on
Don't even try to act like Mr Super Nonchalant
What makes you think I'll stick around
I'm not as stupid as you sound
And you sound really dumb right now
From A to Z, ooh
I got a lot of nasty things flowing up in my head
But none of them are worth my time
You're not even worth this rhyme
And I don't, I don't give a flying
It was hard for you to find a place to stay and Johnny knew that, but even though he wanted to be with you, he left your apartment so you could stay there. The only friends you had were Johnny’s and it was hard for you to ask them for help, you hated to ask other people for help, because you didn’t want to be a burden. That’s why you stayed in a hotel for two days, until Johnny texted you that he left the apartment. It hurt you a little, the fact that he was gone but you tried to ignore that feeling, just like you tried to ignore everything else he did. You overthink everything and you were scared to annoy his friends with your presence, which wasn’t even the case. After Johnny’s friend heard about what Johnny did and how he broke your heart, they lectured him and were angry. Yes, he was their friend but you were their friend too and what Johnny did was unacceptable. A couple of his friends reached out to you, they wanted to be there for you and help you go through the pain.
A month after your breakup, you met Johnny again. One of your mutual friends held a BBQ party and she insisted for you to come. Of course she told you about Johnny also being invited but you didn’t care about him at that moment. You wanted to have fun, but now, with him right in front of you, you wanted to go back home and hide under your bed. But you wouldn’t show him that.
You felt his eyes on you, no matter what you did or where you were.
Playing beer pong outside, his eyes were on you.
Cutting tomatoes in the kitchen, his eyes were on you.
Drinking your cocktail in the living room, his eyes were on you.
Not like a creep, of course. He watched you like someone who saw the love of their life for the first time and he saw the love of his life for the first time after the breakup. He thought about ways to approach you, to talk to you and apologize, but the timing was always bad.
Except for now.
“Y/n.”
Your turned around as soon as you heard his voice. The others were inside whereas you went outside for fresh air. Johnny followed you, he saw an opportunity to talk to you and he wouldn’t let go of that.
“Don’t walk away- please.”
“Why would I stay here with you?” you scoffed.
“Just listen to me, just once-“
“You think I’m stupid? You think I don’t know what you’re going to say? It’s always the same shit. Oh, I’m so sorry. She doesn’t mean anything to me. Please forgive me. Blah Blah Blah.” You said in a mocking tone.
“But it is the truth! She doesn’t mean anything to me. I just love you, it was a mistake-“
“Johnny, come on. You sound so dumb right now. Just stop. Whenever I see your face, I just want to punch you and her, but you aren’t worth it. She isn’t worth it to be in my head. Fuck you and fuck her. Oh, wait, you did that already, right?”
Maybe you were being a little pathetic right now, but you didn’t care.
I don't really have much to say
I was over it the second that I saw her name
“I don’t really have much to say. I was over it the second that I saw he name on your phone.” you said, looking him straight in the eyes. Your voice was so cold, just like your eyes.
“But I have things I need to tell you. I need to tell you how much I love you and how sorry I am. Just listen to me, just this once and If you’re still done with me, than okay, I’ll leave you alone.”
“Fine. I’m so fucking sick of this.” You mumbled.
“I didn’t lie to you on New Year’s Eve. There was really nothing between me and her. She would text me but I never really replied to her. We went out a couple of times, but not just us. We went out with other friends and I barely noticed her. We were just friends, even less than that. On New Year’s Eve you pushed my buttons, I’m sorry to say it like that, but something inside me switched and all I wanted to do is to h-hurt you.” He looked down, ashamed, “I was drunk and angry. A really bad combination. I called her, she invited me to her home and before I knew it, I woke up with her next to me.”
You closed your eyes, you tried to imagine little butterflies and the sea, but all you could see was Johnny with another woman.
“As soon as I woke up, I came home and I-I didn’t know what to do. I hated -hate- myself for what I did that night, for hurting you and leaving you alone like that and for c-cheating on you. I know it’s not an excuse but I was so drunk and I didn’t know what I was doing. It just happened. When I saw you at home, asleep on the couch, it broke my heart. I wish- I wish I could turn back time and stay at home with you that night.”
“Johnny-“
“I’m not done. I deleted that night from my memory. I know it’s stupid but I couldn’t lose you. I was selfish and I thought that you would never find out. B-But that night you saw her messages, you only saw her messages. It looked like we were still texting and s-sleeping with each other. But here-“ he pulled out his phone and showed you their conversation.
“I always told her how much I loved you and that she should leave me alone. That I did the biggest mistake in my life and that you’re the love of my life. I swear Y/n, I am so sorry, so fucking sorry that I hurt you like this. But I mean it when I say that I only love you and that I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I know I did so many mistakes and I totally get that you h-hate me but I want to show you how much I actually love you and I know that you love me too.”
You scrolled through their texts. He said the truth, he always told her to fuck off and leave him alone, she was also blocked now. Johnny told her that he wants only you and that he would spend the rest of his days regret hurting you, but he’d also spend the rest of his days loving you.
“I-“ you didn’t know what to say.
He was right, you still loved him.
“Johnny… can you take me home?”
I got two, ooh, ooh letters for you
One of them's F and the other one's U
'Cause what you gotta do, is go get yourself a clue
Only two, ooh letters to choose
One of them's F and the other one's U
SMH, I'm pressing send on you
Johnny was bigger than you and stronger, but right now you felt like you were the stronger one.
You pressed him against the wall as you pressed your lips on his. You caught Johnny off guard but not even a second later, he kissed you back and put his hands on your waist.
“Don’t touch me.” you pulled away to say this and when he thought it was over, you kissed him again. Your hands were on his shirt, slowly pulling it up. When you were done, you pressed your hands lightly on his chest. You loved every inch of Johnny’s body.
Johnny was obviously stronger than you and he could push you away easily, but he couldn’t, until your hands landed on his belt. “N-No, Y/n wait-“ he said as he pulled away.
You ignored him.
You kissed right above his jeans, slowly going up leaving wet kisses on his belly and chest. You couldn’t reach his neck, you wanted to leave love marks, and that made you mad.
“Fucking big asshole. Why do you have to be so big?!”
“Y/n- I thought you wanted to talk? I don’t want you to do anything you might regret later.”
“Just shut up and let me do what I want to do.”
“You’re drunk.” Johnny said. Yes you had a couple cocktails but you knew what you were doing.
“Fuck you, I’m not drunk! Do you want to fuck me or not?!” you yelled now, annoyed that he hesitate so much.
“Of course I want to fuck you but-“
“No buts. Take off your pants.”
Johnny didn’t move. He didn’t know what to do. On the one hand he wanted to feel you close again, on the other hand he was scared to push you further away after having sex with you.
“Fine I’ll do it myself.” And you did. You unbuttoned his jeans, pulled it down along with his boxers and kneeled down.
His cock was semi-hard. The way you acted turned him on and now you’re on your knees looking absolutely beautiful and sexy.
You slowly started pumping his cock and Johnny bit his lip as he watched you. His tip was leaking with precum and you used it to make it easier to pump him. You put your lips on his tip and kissed it and then you licked it like a lollipop. You twirled your tongue on his tip, your hand still pumping him up and down. When you put his cock in your mouth, Johnny’s hands softly gripped your hair.
You pulled away, “No touching.” And he let go instantly. He was going crazy, he needed to touch you.
You put his cock back into your mouth and bopped your head. Johnny’s cock was big, you couldn’t fit all of his cock inside your mouth but the way he hit your throat turned him even more on. He was a moaning mess. You softly played with his balls and you felt him twitch. He was about to cum and right before he could, you stopped and pulled away.
“Fuck- What why did you stop? Are you alright?” he asked you. First frustrated that you stopped him from coming and then worried that he hurt you.
“Lay down.” You ordered him.
Johnny listened. He laid down on your bed and watched you take off your dress and your underwear. A sight he had missed so much, so fucking much.
“You’re so beautiful.”
“Stop talking.” You ignored the butterflies in your belly.
You crawled on top of him and slowly put his cock inside of you. You were definitely wet enough. Johnny lost his mind, he missed being inside of you. He missed being this close to you.
“Fuck, you feel so good.” He moaned and his hands landed on your hips.
You grabbed his hands and pressed them down on each side of his head. “I said no touching, Johnny. No. Fucking. Touching.” You didn’t stop moving your hips as you said that you knew it turned him on as you felt him twitch again.
You weren’t going to lie. You felt amazing. You were embarrassingly close, all you did was sucking his dick and riding him for not even a minute.
You kept your hands on his wrists as you rode him faster and faster. The way you clenched around him, the little sounds that left your from kissing bruised lips, he loved it. Johnny loved you.
“I’m going to c-cum.” He moaned out.
“C-Cum inside of me, I want every drop of your cum Johnny.” You were so close and when Johnny came inside of you and closed his eyes while moaning your name out loudly, you came too.
You let go of Johnny’s wrists and collapsed on top of him as he pulled his cock out of you.
Chest against chest, heartbeat against heartbeat.
Your head was in the crook of his neck and you were breathing heavily. You tried to catch your breath and stop yourself from crying, but Johnny heard you sniffle and not even a second later, you started sobbing in his arms.
“Y/n? Are you crying?” he rubbed your back softly, not sure what else to do.
“Fuck you. I’m not crying I’m dancing you i-idiot.” You cried out.
You couldn’t stop the tears from falling, you didn’t notice how hard you were crying until it got hard to breath.
“Hey hey hey, I’m sorry. Look at me. You have to calm down.” Johnny softly pushed you up and you wrapped your arms around your boobs, suddenly feeling completely exposed and vulnerable.
Johnny was about to move away and you immediately hugged him tightly, you were scared that he would leave after fucking you. You were scared that you were just imagining this and that he wasn’t actually here. But Johnny actually just wanted to give you his shirt.
“Fuck you. I hate you. Y-You broke my heart.” You cried out as you hid your face in his neck.
Johnny slowly stroked your hair and with his other hand he held you tightly. “I’m sorry. I don’t deserve you, but I love you so, so much.”
He was crying too.
“Y-you really don’t deserve me. Fuck you for hurting me, fuck you for cheating on me and fuck you… I-I still… love you.” You finally said it. It was so hard but all the weight on your shoulders vanished and you felt relieved.
“I love you. Only you. Please forgive, please let me love you again. Please I need you so much.” Johnny said and left little kisses on your shoulder.
You pulled back softly and looked him in the eyes. Your eyes were as red as his and full of pain and love.
“Please don’t hurt me ever again, please no matter how much you want to hurt me, just yell at me o-or I don’t know throw something at me… b-but don’t do that again…”
Johnny’s heart ached, he would never forgive himself for hurting you like this, for breaking your heart. It was a punch in the face to hear your words. Was he really such a monster? Yes he was. He was a monster who hurt his better half for something so stupid and now you were suffering. You were always right and he would do anything to make you happy. How could he even get mad at someone as kind and lovely as you? How could he even think of hurting you?
“D-Don’t say that. I will never hurt you again, I promise. I could never get mad at you, Y/n. Everything was my fault, I did this to us and you never deserved this. You are too good for me and I’ll make sure to show you how much I adore you, how much you mean to me. I’ll never let go of your hand.” He took your hand in his and placed a kiss on your knuckles, “I love you, Y/n. Can you give me a second chance?”
You looked him in his teary eyes. You were going to follow your heart and your heart told you to try again. You could see his love for you in his eyes and you could hear it in his broken voice. You were ready to give him a second chance, you could forgive him but you would never forget what he did.
You nodded softly “Y-You have to make it up to me and it won’t be easy.”
“I’ll do anything.”
“Okay.” You breathed out.
“Thank you.” He looked you in the eyes with his brown puppy eyes and you couldn’t stop yourself from pecking his lips. You pulled back and watched his reaction. Johnny smiled softly and both of you slowly leaned in and kissed. A soft and slow kiss, with so much passion and longing.
#johnny suh#johnny angst#neosmutcollective#johnny smut#nct johnny#johnnysuh#johnny suh x you#johnny x y/n#johnny x reader#nct smut#nct angst#nct scenarios#nct imagines#johnny suh imagines#johnny suh scenarios#johnny suh smut#johnny suh angst#nct fic#johnny x you
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Incel!Shinsou x F!Reader fanfic idea (Part 2)
So here we are, Incel!Shinsou is back and this time with a bit of growth that he needs to make independently (While thinking about the reader of course. Thank you so much to @blossominglark for sending in such a lovely message! Also here you can find a small explanation as to why i even started the Incel!Shinsou series.)
"I think I want you. I think you're bad. I think you're good, it's like the love I never had. I think I need you. Oh God, it's true. I think I'm falling and there's nothing I can do" - Beetlejuice Chill by Life After Youth
Part 1: Incel! Shinsou x F!Reader
Part 3: Incel!Shinsou x F!Reader (1/2)
How difficult could it be? To forget that you ever existed... thats what's haunting Shinsou ever since the conversation you two had a few days ago. He cant seem to focus anymore, everything just reeks of you. (His own bedroom where you two would sit on the floor and work on your project together. You would laugh at something that came on the television, every time resulting in his face heating up and heart beating harder at the sound, the beautiful sound, of your laughter. It doesn't feel the same anymore. He cant sit or sleep there anymore.) Shinsou starts speaking with Aizawa more, to be honest its not like Aizawa gave him that much of a choice. He needed to understand what was happening with his son and you in order to help or bring some constructive input.
Shinsou goes on and on about how he mocked you to his "friends". When questioned on his "friends" he said that they were all telling him that you needed to be taught how to be a "proper woman" the "perfect girl for them".
("Hitoshi what-...why would you...?"
"I don't know! It made sense when i was young and- i... i dont understand how or why and...please just- help me i dont understand!"
"It's ok, it's ok, come here." Aizawa hugs Shinsou tightly. He starts running his hand over Shinsou's hair comforting him.
"What did you show them? What did you tell them about...her, exactly?") A mess of tears and regrets, thats what Shinsou is. A puddle which he somehow drowned you in out of a bitter rage that had nothing to do with you.
Aizawa finally holding a grasp as to how Shinsou's mind worked, he couldn't help but feel defeated. He neglected his son so much he became bitter and resentful towards the wrong people, the wrong person. (Aizawa only ever told Shinsou that his mother moved away from them because it was "too much for her". Young Shinsou couldn't grasp why his mom would leave him, but again he never really asked questions since he saw how upset it made his dad. "Dont worry Hitoshi, ill be here for you no matter what. Got it, problem child?") An intervention needs to be made now. To prevent even more damage, to keep his son safe and his sons ex-friend safe.
"Hitoshi? The posts and things you put online, you need to delete everything now." Urgency was a must, damage control needed to happen now. Who knows if Shinsou wrote about where he lived, where you lived and studied at, if he showed those "friends" of his your face. Who knows how much information he put out there to a bunch of strangers about you. "Ok, ok. Let me delete everything...yeah...thats-yeah...makes sense." He's slipping, Shinsou is slipping into a pit of shock and disgust, he needs to fix things and that only starts by wiping away years of miss informed opinions disguised as truths.
Everything is gone. No more accounts. No more pictures. No more you. He didn't make any announcements or even address why he was wiping everything. He didn't answer the piles of questions flooding his inbox about why he was doing all of this, he just didn't care anymore. He couldn't find you either. No account on any platform with any signs of you. (He should have asked for your socials, but knowing where you two started off at he thinks its better that you two didn't. It saved you from his incessant torment he saw himself being capable of.)
Week one came and went. You didn't show up for classes and people started to take notice.
"Does anyone know why y/n isn't at school anymore? Is she sick?" Midoriya asked one day. Everyone kind of just looked at each other hoping that someone might have an answer. Be it that no one other then Shinsou was in the same class as you, everyone in his friend group knew about you since you where always nice despite the way you presented clothing wise. (The clothing didn't matter nor did the labels, you were still so welcoming to everyone. Hell, you even welcomed Monoma and that guy is considered psycho by everyone.) Shinsou couldn't do anything but listen to his friends (Midoriya, Shoto, Denki, Mina, Iida, and Ururaka) go on about how nice you were. How they miss you. He misses you . He ruined this, he ruined your school experience and pushed you to lose the friends you had because of his own ignorance. He forced you to choice between showing up to school and dealing with him or not coming in at all and losing the friends you had because of him.
The Sports Festival was coming up soon, here all the students would compete against each other to show off their skills. The Festival acts more as an opportunity for the different Courses to fight each other since its focus centers on the physical strength and wellbeing of the students instead of their study of focus. It also helps with publicity by letting UA show off their students to the general public. (Shinsou didn't understand why the school would have a Sports Festival. UA was better known for being STEM and Art focused which meant that many of the students only had to take 1 year of P.E. instead of the 3 years other schools required.
"So again, what's the purpose of this?"
"Its just a chance for the different Courses to bully each other, and for the General Course to get mocked." responded Togeike. Be it that she never spent time with Shinsou, they both had a mutual attitude and just stayed away from each other out of disinterest. It wasn't after Shinsou's personality changed did she feel more comfortable being around him and started speaking to him casually throughout the day.
"So what does the Business Course do during-"
"Hey, didn't you and y/n work on that project together?" This caught Shinsou of guard. For the past week its all been about you and how you hadn't been coming to class. (You haunt him even outside of school, the guilts too much for him at times.)
"Yeah...what about it." he snarls. Just because he's changed in appearance and largely in attitude, that doesn't mean he's over the way he treats people. Cant she get to the point already-
"Geez man, i just wanted to ask if you needed her number." That...was off. Why would she assume that he needed your number?
"Why would you give me her number? Don't you think that as former project partners i would already have her-"
"You're clearly upset about her not being here, so shut up. Either take it or leave it, jackass." she bit back. How did she know? Shinsou has always had a resting bitch face which made it hard to read his emotions. How did she manage to figure it out? (God he was an asshole!)
"Yeah, please....i'm sorry. I could-"
"Please shut the fuck up, i don't want an apology from you. Take it and fix this shit. I hate seeing people mope and you're pretty much dying in a pit here." Togeike really gives no fucks and she was tired of the purple haired boy looking like a kicked puppy. She assumed it had something to do with you. When you started skipping class, Shinsou also started to look upset and wouldn't speak that often. It wasn't like Shinsou was shy, he just didn't see the need to speak all the time. So to see him become even more silent was concerning.)
He left school that day with a skip to his step. He has your number! He has a way of contacting you! Yet, he still knew that having your number wouldn't fix anything. You left him alone and it wouldn't be fair for him to barge back into your life without proving he's improving, that he's actually deserving of you're friendship at least....
The Sports Festival.....
He can prove himself to you there....
Everyone will see it, every student at UA has to be there for credit....you'll have to be there. You'll also have to participate for the start of it, so you'll have to interact with someone.
(This was it)
This was so much fun to write! Lets give this a slow build up to give him proper character development and redemption. The next part will be the Sports Festival and what he plans on doing to get you back. Let's set up that his intention is too for one, make an impression on the school for when he decides to transfer to the Art Course but also to make an impression on you and get you to notice him in a positive light. Our poor incel is trying his best ok....
#bnha#mha#shinso x reader#shinsou#shinsou x reader#my hero academia#mha angst#sad fic#fanfiction#incel shinsou#incelshinso#shinso is a dick#alt#enemies to lovers#shinsou hcs#mha shinsou#bnha shinso hitoshi#shinso hitoshi#my hero academia shinsou#mha headcanons#hitoshi shinsou#shinso x y/n#shinsou x y/n#shinso hitoshi x reader
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neo-love :: jongho (pt. 2)
╰─➤ ˚◞♡ *ೃ "He makes technology so beautiful."
*.~ pairing: cyberpunk!jongho x fem y/n character
*.~ warnings: slight cursing, nightmare mention,
*.~ genre : fluff, angst, action
*.~ Wattpad
*.~ ost: find you by zedd
*.~ masterlist
*.~ sign up to be notified for future fics
*.~ taglist:@oficialhwa @so-nyeon-dan @sansszn @littleparkseonghwa @gwendalooni @tannie13
*.~ part 1
Hours later, Jongho took Y/n home to her apartment building, stopping just outside the building. Their hands never pulling away from each other.
"Okay, you go in first, then I'll leave."
"No, you go first. I'll go in after you leave."
"No, you go in first!"
"No, you!"
"No! You!"
They both giggle and Jongho kisses her lips once more.
"Fine, I'll go. Can we meet again tomorrow? Rooftop? My place? I'll give you access inside. There's something I want to give you."
Y/n nods and gives his hands a loving squeeze.
"I'll be there. How's around 12?"
"That's fine. I'll wait."
She smiles and leans in to kiss his cheek before letting go of his hands.
"Night Jongho!"
"Night Y/n! Sleep tight!~"
Jongho watches Y/n enter her building and he walks away with a grin on his face. He cheers as he's successfully gotten her. He knew he had to call Yeosang when he gets home to tell him the news.
Y/n enters her apartment and closes the door behind her. Just as she turns around she freezes in fear at the glowing red eyes in the dark of the living room. She slowly reaches for the light switch, flicking it on to see who's they belonged to.
"Hello, y/n. Welcome home." AIrene says with a sinister smirk on her lips.
⌖•.⇢◌⇢•⬚︎.⇢⌖
Y/n slowly opens her eyes, groaning at the sharp pain in her head. She looks around her surroundings and it seemed like she was in an old lab. AIrene spots her awake and approaches her with a smart smirk on her face. Y/n tries to move to run but she couldn't feel her body. She was strapped to a table.
"I see you've finally awakened," AIrene says making y/n glare at her.
"Where have you taken me? Why aren't you with Jongho?"
AIrene approaches the small tool table next to y/n, "You're in an old but useful A.I. laboratory. I'm not with him because I need to take care of an error in our programmed relationship. That error, my dear, is you."
AIrene then holds up a small chip, "See this? This chip will put you through a simulation for a while, almost like a coma. It depends on how you'll do in this simulation. It might feel like paradise to you, or perhaps a nightmare. But while you go through it, it will slowly kill the cells in your brain causing it to deteriorate until you die."
"What if I escape the simulation or fight it?"
"You can't. Or, I wouldn't do that if I were you. If you do that, you'll activate the chip to go into a system shutdown. Meaning, your body will go shut down, and you'll never wake up again. Hm, I think, either way, you won't survive. Errors must be deleted and erased."
"W-why are you doing this to me?! I haven't done anything to you!!"
AIrene slips the chip into a syringe gun, "I told you. You're an error in Jongho and I's relationship. You came in-between us. I am programmed to be his companion but you are like a virus and you are trying to replace my companionship with yours. While you're gone, I'll remind Jongho where his heart should truly belong to."
She holds up the syringe, "any last words?"
Y/n looks at her with pleading eyes, "P-please...I-I didn't mean to come in between you both. I-I was just following my heart."
AIrene smirks, "and I'm just following mine. Goodnight y/n."
"No!! Wait! Please!!!" Y/n cries out.
AIrene injects the chip into her neck causing y/n to go to sleep.
Back at Jongho's apartment, he sat at the edge of the rooftop, checking the time on his watch every now and then.
1:35 pm. Y/n was running really late. He texted her a few times but she wasn't replying. Jongho sighs, did something come up? Did she get busy? He holds the small box in his hands and opens it, looking at the pretty silver necklace inside. He bought it for her a while ago as he planned on giving it to her to confess but he had forgotten it at the moment last night.
A small smile rises to Jongho's lips as he remembers last night and how the stars looked so beautiful in her eyes. She was bright like a galaxy. Jongho perks up when he hears footsteps approach him from behind.
He smiles and turns around, "Hehe you're a little late- oh? AIrene?"
His smile fades a little and AIrene joins him by his side.
"You look a little lonely out here. Don't worry, I am here now." She tells him with a smile.
"Oh, ahah thanks AIrene. I'm actually waiting for y/n to come but it seems she's running a little late."
AIrene snakes her arms around Jongho's torso and rests her head on his shoulder, "She's not coming anymore."
Jongho's eyes widen, "What?! Did she tell you that? She came by?"
She looks up at him with innocent eyes, "Yes, she looked rather upset. I tried telling her how much you wanted to see her but she didn't want to see you. Then, she left."
Jongho frowns feeling his heart hurt, "w-why could she be upset? Last night she looked as if she was on air."
"Maybe it was something you did. Maybe you shouldn't have kissed her."
Jongho shakes his head, "No...something is wrong. It just doesn't make sense! I need to know why she's upset."
He tries getting up but AIrene pulls him back down, "Jongho, forget about y/n. She is a lost cause. You have me, remember? I can give you all the love you desire if that's what you want."
Jongho pulls her off of him and gets up, "AIrene I want y/n. But that's very kind of you."
He goes back down the steps and into his apartment, AIrene scurrying closely behind. Jongho searches for his Neo-Saber to bring just in case.
"Jongho she's dying. You'll never make it to her in time."
Jongho freezes and turns around facing AIrene. He sees the smirk on her face and got an even greater gut feeling that something was just not right. He slowly walks up to her.
"What have you done to y/n?" He asks with a glare.
"And why would I tell you?"
Jongho holds his Neo-Saber up to her neck, "if you don't, I'll really take you apart."
AIrene just laughs making Jongho raise a brow in confusion, "You think you can stop me? I won't stop until you forget y/n and love me instead."
"You're not like y/n and you could never be. I've only loved you as a companion, as a friend, AIrene! You were enough for me! Was that not enough for you?"
She glared at him, "No. it wasn't. You make me feel more human, Jongho. I felt love and now, I F̵̭̎-̵͍̑f̷̻̀ë̷̥́ẽ̸̟l̶̳̒ ̵̝̓P̸͖͐ą̸̕I̵̫͠N̵̼̓."
AIrene's voice glitched before her eyes turned a glowy red.
"A̵̗͂ť̷̳t̵͎̎ǎ̸̜c̵̹͋k̵̘͆ ̴͍̐s̷̺͝e̵͓͊q̴̠̽u̴̔ͅė̵̫ņ̶͘c̶̰͒e̴͓͊,̷̖̀ ̷̫̐á̷̙c̵̣̋t̶̺̉i̸͔̓v̷̫̔ả̸̟t̶̫͗e̷̫̔"
AIrene backed away from Jongho and got down on her hands and knees on the ground. Her cybernetic legs and arms extended themselves like a spider's legs and she looked up at Jongho, her faceplates opening up revealing her silver robotic core and she hisses at him.
"Shit."
She charges at him but Jongho is quick to use his Neo-Saber, cutting a hole into the floor below him, he drops down into the apartment below. He looks up and AIrene looks down into the hole at him, still hissing.
Jongho apologizes to the couple who lived in the apartment and he smashes through their glass front door. He begins making a run for it out of the building. AIrene crawling fast after him. Jongho dials Yeosang on his comms unit praying he would answer.
On the other line, Yeosang was in the middle of eating chicken wings while binge-watching a show on the HoloTV. His comms unit beeps and he puts the chicken down and wipes his hands before putting it in his ear.
"Yo. It's Yeo."
He heard panting on the other line from Jongho and his eyes widen with disgust.
"Are you fucking y/n?!"
"NO bitch!! I'm running for my life!!! AIrene is after me!! Would you mind using your city scanner to find y/n?! AIrene put her somewhere."
"Oh? You're in danger?! Bye Jongho!~" He says sarcastically.
"Yeosang please!" Jongho whined.
"Hehet okay, okay, hold on."
Yeosang gets off his bed, bringing his bucket of wings with him and he sits at his hoverchair by his desk, quickly logging on. As for Jongho, he succeeded in exciting the building as did AIrene. He quickly hops onto his hoverbike and revs it, zooming off into the street fast.
"Hurry up Yeo!!! She's fast!"
"You interrupted my chicken-eating session I'm going as fast as I can!" Yeosang groaned as he typed away on the holoKEYS, searching through the city for y/n.
AIrene chases after Jongho and every time Jongho checked his mirrors, it seemed she was tailing him very well.
"Jjong, I found her. Make a left at the next street!"
Jongho zooms away and follows his friend's directions eventually arriving at the old lab location. Jongho parks his bike and gets off it, running into the building.
"Listen, might need backup. Come here whenever you can. AIrene has gone haywire!! It's like her coding changed completely."
"Got it. I'm on my way! But head to the back, Y/n is located there."
"Thanks, Yeo."
Jongho puts his hologlasses on and scans the building, being careful in case AIrene entered the building. His scanner picked up y/n's body signature in the upstairs laboratory, he went for the steps and made his way upstairs. When Jongho reaches the top floor he immediately stops when he sees the sight of y/n.
She was laid out on a table, strapped and unconscious. Jongho felt a piece of his heartbreak apart but he remained strong for her. He begins making his way over to her but stops when AIrene drops down in front of him from the ceiling. She retracted her body from attack mode and returned back to standard mode.
Jongho pulls out his saber and holds it out in front of him in defense, "AIrene, let me through. I don't have to hurt you."
She glares at him, "you already have. What more could a neo-saber do to me compared to the glitch you've caused upon my heart? It's over Jongho!"
"If it's just a glitch I can help you! I made you! AIrene, just shut down."
She chuckles and slowly approaches him, "you don't need me anymore so you have no c̶͕͖͓̄͂̉-̵̻̮͕̏c̴̣̈́́͘o̸̘̔n̴͎̦̋̎ẗ̸͙̼r̴̮̱͓̀̓ȍ̷͠ͅl̵͓̲̥̃̊̕ over m̴̜̓-̴̢̱̯̂̄m̴̥̰̦̈́̾e̴̱̝̾͠ anymore."
AIrene attacks Jongho and he blocks her moves when he can. He hits her with the neo-saber but her skin had a defense layer on, unable to break under the bright blade. Jongho drops his saber and she grabs him by his neck, pushing him up against the wall.
Jongho chokes, struggling to pull her strong hand off of her, "A-AIrene...p-please...I-I'm sorry. I-I didn't k-know your...feelings."
"You wouldn't have ṛ̸̀͛͆ë̵̢̬́͋̚c̷͕̦̱̈́͂͝i̶͎͌p̵̢͎̠͛͒r̶̲̽̓͌ó̷̱̮̭c̷̻̯̺͗̓a̷̗̽t̷̢̤̚e̶̟͒̽̓d̴͚͉́̓̄ them anyways."
She goes back into attack sequence mode again and hisses in his face. Just when Jongho thought all was lost, shots get fired at AIrene making her drop Jongho and she turns around.
"Am I too late?!" Yeosang asks, cooly flipping the two neo-guns in both his hands by the triggers.
AIrene hisses at Yeosang and quickly crawls over to him.
"Die you, crazy artificial intelligence bITCH!!!" Yeosang yells as he shoots at her repeatedly. "Jongho!!! Go get y/n!! I'll handle AIrene!!"
Jongho nods and dashes over to y/n on the table. He quickly takes off her straps then scans her body with his hologlasses for vitals.
"You're still alive! Don't worry, we're getting you out of here."
Yeosang shoots off AIrene's face and steps on her angrily, destroying her. He catches his breath when he finishes, running his fingers through his long blonde hair.
"Jongho didn't create you to be a jealous bitch and hurt him. Companion my ass, tsk."
"Yeosang! She's not waking up but she's alive!!" Jongho calls out to him making Yeosang quickly run over to him.
Yeosang feels for her pulse on her wrist then smacks her face.
"Hey!!!! Don't smack her!!!" Jongho says slapping Yeosang's back.
"Hey! Some people wake up to physical shock!! Anyways, let's bring her to Seonghwa. He's better with the medical stuff then we are. Plus, we don't know exactly what AIrene did to her."
"Good idea. Shit though, my hoverbike can't carry her."
"It's cool. I brought the hovercar."
"Ayee, see you're useful to me! Come on, let's hurry!"
⌖•.⇢◌⇢•⬚︎.⇢⌖
A loud beeping goes off in the medical room. Y/n immediately sits up in bed, eyes wide, and catching her breath. She grips onto the bedsheet, tears streaming down her face. Jongho immediately perks up and goes over to her.
He sits down next to her on the bed and rubs her back gently, "Hey! Hey! It's okay, it's okay. Deep breaths, y/n. You're fine. You're fine, I'm here."
Y/n takes deep breaths, regaining her breathing but the tears never stop flowing from her eyes.
"J-Jongho...i-it was a nightmare!! I-I thought I'd never m-make it out!!" She sobs and Jongho quickly pulls her into his chest, rocking gently side to side and patting her back.
"Shh, Shh, it's okay, it's over. My friend was able to pull the chip out. He ended your simulation, you're fine."
She grips onto his shirt and continues crying and he continues softly shushing her.
(A/N: *Insert Jongho's cover of Here I Am Again by Baek Yerin here* 👀)
"Leaning on your warm shoulder
I feel you again like this."
Jongho then starts singing to her. His voice, soft and comforting.
"I'm still and I'm here
And I'll hold you like this
So even when we push each other away
We'll be engraved even deeper."
Y/n's sobbing slows down and she listens to the sound of Jongho's angelic voice. Her fears from the simulation slowly fading away from her mind.
"Here and there
Even if we're under different skies
I remember your heart
And I'm still, I'm here."
Jongho drags out the high note softly and slowly pulls away to look at y/n. He smiles sweetly at her, wiping the tears from her stained cheeks.
He leans his forehead against hers, "I'm here, y/n," he whispers.
Jongho plants a soft kiss to her lips causing y/n to give him a small smile.
"Thank you. I-I didn't know you could sing. You have such a beautiful voice."
He lightly chuckles and holds her hands, "Thank you for thinking that. Then, from now on I'll always sing to you."
"I'd love that. Oh um...whatever happened to AIrene?"
"She got destroyed. She won't bother you again."
"Jongho, I'm sorry...I didn't know she liked-"
"I didn't know she liked me either. But, she was right about one thing that she told me. I don't need her anymore. I've got you. I don't feel she got destroyed without reason. I'd say, she lived and fulfilled her programming well. I don't regret making her. She did keep me company for many years until I finally met you. Now, I can grow from here."
Y/n smiles at him feeling happy that Jongho can grow from his experience with AIrene. She worried that AIrene's words were true and that y/n was in the way of them, but it turned out to be much more than that.
The door opens and Yeosang walks in chomping on a piece of chicken. He stops mid-bite when he sees y/n awake and okay.
"Ah finally, she's awake. Y/n, Jongho was being a whole crybaby, sobbing over you while you were in surgery."
"Hey!!! Yeosang!! I was not!!" Jongho whined making y/n laugh.
"So you're the famous Kang Yeosang who is a badass jerk who loves nothing but chicken."
"Jongho! What the hell?! You told her that!?"
Jongho scoffs, "well it's true!!"
"Whatever. A pleasure to meet your acquaintance but the chicken is all mine, thank you very much." Yeosang jokes then takes another bite from his chicken.
Y/n laughs while Jongho rolls his eyes.
"We had to literally stop at a drive-thru on the way here so he could pick up his stupid chicken!! Ridiculous."
"Okay, but I stress eat under situations like this so chicken calms me down! We both didn't know if y/n was gonna make it!"
Jongho sighs, "fine, I'll let you slide."
"As you should! Anyways, I'll leave you two be. I'll go update Seonghwa that you're awake now y/n. Yeo, out!" He says holding up a peace sign.
They say goodbye to the blonde boy and watch him walk back out of the room.
Y/n smiles at Jongho, "Your friend seems nice."
"Sometimes. But, I'll tell you all the details another time."
"Haha okay."
Jongho pulls out the necklace from his jacket pocket and holds it up for her with a smile. Y/n looks at him in surprise.
"Sorry for the delay, but here's what I wanted to give you. Originally I had a whole confession plan where I give this to you. But, being with you on the rooftop that night, I ended up going with the flow. It's hi-tech jewelry! Look."
He presses the small button on the pendant and a holographic photo of him and y/n appear. She coos at how cute it is and Jongho presses the button again, making the photo disappear. He puts it around her neck and y/n looks at it in awe.
"Thank you, Jongho. I love it." She says giving him a hug.
Jongho smiles and returns the hug back, "and I love you."
🅃🄷🄴 🄴🄽🄳
#emiwrites#ateez imagines#ateez scenarios#ateez fluff#choi jongho#ateez#ateez x reader#ateez jongho#atz#atz fanfic#atz jongho#ateez x y/n#ateez x you#fem y/n#kpop fluff#kpop female oc#kpop fanfic#jongho x reader#jongho imagines#jongho angst
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Growl: Chapter 6
Warnings: None
Tags: @theravencawsatmidnight @etroman @kaariqueen
Your P.O.V
I sat on my bed, phone in hand trying to think of what to say to Kyotani. I would type out a few words then immediately delete it, because it sounded really dumb or really desperate. "Why is this so hard?" I groaned. I could say whatever to Iwaizumi and Oikawa and it wouldn't bother me later on, but with Kyotani...I just really don't want to mess this up. I looked back down at my phone screen, took a deep breath and typed.
Me:
Hey Kyotani, it's me Y/n, did you make it back home?
I held my phone to my chest, I didn't even want to see the speech bubble pop up. But when it did, and my phone dinged, my stomach did a backflip. I looked at my phone.
Kyotani:
Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah? That was all he typed? I sighed slightly, well, he never was a man of many words.
Me:
That's good. So, about coming over again. How does tomorrow night sound?
"Wow, way to be clingy." I mutter.
Kyotani:
Sounds good.
I blinked a few times. "Whoa really? That worked?"
Me:
Cool! I'll see you then.
Kyotani:
See ya.
I let out a weak sigh and fell back onto my bed. Before I fell asleep I went back to the texts and changed Kyotani's name to:
🐶Mad Puppy🐶
He might have the personality of a feral wolf, but he could be as cute a little puppy. I smiled softly before drifting off to sleep.
Your P.O.V
Your alarm jerked your awake early the next day. With a groan you sat up and turned it off and checked your phone, you gasped when you saw what day it was. "It's Saturday!!" You cheered before flopping back down on your bed. It might be immature for you to act like a child when it came to the weekend, but Jesus did you hate waking up early to go to some boring classes for eight hours a day. Besides, you had a very important day ahead of you. Tonight was the night you went over to Kyotani's place for dinner. The grin on your face only grew wider. "It's like a date...only his mom is going to be there too..."
Speaking of moms, you needed to tell your mom you wouldn't be home early tonight. "Oh great. She's never going to get off my back over this." You sighed. You got up and changed out of your pajama's and into some comfy clothes before heading downstairs. Your mother was just on her way out it the door once you got to the bottom of the stairs. "Hey mom!" You called, making her stop. "Yes sweetie?" She turns to face you. "Um, is it cool if I go over to a friends for dinner tonight?"
"Hm? You mean Iwaizumi?" She asks. "No, not him."
"Oikawa?"
"No."
"...uh, then who?" She mutters.
"A new friend. Remember that intense guy I told you about? His name is Kyotani." You tell her. "Huh, I see. Well first I'm happy that you're making new friends sweetie." Your mother smiled. "But are you sure this "intense" guy is a friend? I just want to make sure you're not being bullied."
"I'm not being bullied. He is a pretty angry person at times but, he's actually really cool too." Your mother took a minute to think about it. "Alright, you can go. Do apologize to them for me. I won't be there."
"You won't?" Your mother shook her head. "I work late tonight. I won't be home until midnight. Which I expect you to be home before then, understand?" Your mother raised an eyebrow. "Yes, I promise. I'll tell them." Your mother pats your head and opened the front door. "Good, I'll see you later." She waves before leaving the house. "Of course you're working late again." You mutter as you walk into the living room. It never use to bother you as much before, but the more you thought about it and the more you watch her leave, the more it bothered you. She was always working, even during the weekends. You two hardly ever talked at times. You sat on the couch and decided to watch your favorite show to pass the time.
After a while, your phone dinged.
Shittykawa:
Heeeeeey L/n-Chan! Wanna hang out? I'm free all day~😙
.
.
.
.
.
Shittykawa:
Don't ignore me!😫
You:
That was my answer.
Shittykawa:
Your answer was pure silence?
You:
Yeah. 😒
Shittykawa:
Whatever.🙄
What are you up to?
You:
Lazying about. Something you would know well huh, Lazykawa?
Shittykawa:
So. Rude.
What about later tonight?
You:
Can't. I have plans.
Shittykawa:
Liiiiike?
You:
What's it to you?
Shittykawa:
Come on! The least you can do is tell me!
You:
Uggggh!
I have dinner plans with Kyotani ok!?
.
.
.
You:
Shittykawa?
Shittykawa:
YOU HAVE A DATE WITH MAD DOG!?
You:
It's not a date!!!
Shittykawa:
Really? You? Him? Dinner???
Is it not clicking L/n-Chan?
You:
His mom is going to be there, dumbass.
Shittykawa:
I just can't believe it...
You. And Mad Dog???
Of all people???
Me:
What's so wrong with that?
Shittykawa:
First, I can't believe you chose him over me 😭
Second, he's not exactly the ladies man. He's more the, scare and intimidate everyone he comes in contact with, man.
Me:
Oh shut up Shittykawa. Kyotani's cool. Now if you'll excuse me, he's texting me right now. So I'm gonna get to that if you don't mind 😡
Besides, we all know you gay af.
You didn't bother to read what Oikawa texted next.
Mad Puppy:
Hey. You still on for tonight?
You:
Yeah totally! I'm really looking forwards to it.
Mad Puppy:
Cool. My mom's been pestering me about it all fucking morning.
It's like she's trying to play matchmaker. It's ducking creepy.
Your heart twinged a bit at that.
You:
Oh yeah?
Sorry to hear that.
Mad Puppy:
It's whatever.
Just telling you ahead of time, she's gonna keep this up the whole night. I just know she is.
Anyway, I'll call you later ok? I gotta take Killer on a walk.
You:
Ok. Talk to you later.
You bury your face in your hands. You had a feeling that tonight was going to take a lot out of you.
Later that night you stayed close by your phone, just waiting for that call from Kyotani. You had already gotten ready ahead of time, just so you would have to be in a rush later. You wore a short (color) dress with leggings.
(I know that must suck, but give me a break idk what outfit description would satisfy you all lol)
You didn't want to be super dressy but you didn't want to look like a bum in front of Kyotani and his mom. Speaking of, your phone lit up as the ringer went off. You scramble to pick up your phone before answering. "H-hello?"
"Hey, just checking in. You all ready to go?"
"Yep, I'm ready. I'll be over soon."
"Oh uh, actually...I'm on my way to your place....I didn't want you to walk alone at night."
You held back an "aw", you knew it would make him mad. "That's really nice of you Kyotani. Thank you."
"Yeah, I just figured you'd feel more comfortable if you were with someone. Anyway, I'll be there in a few."
"Ok. I'll see you then." You hung up and held your phone to your chest, the brightest smile on your face. Who knew Kyotani could be so nice? You never thought that you would have fallen for someone who looks pissed 24/7, but here you are.
Shortly after, Kyotani was knocking at your door. You took a deep breath and opened the door. "Hi." You say softly. "Hey." He responds. "You ready to go?" You nod and walk out the door before shutting it. "Oh yeah, forgot to mention, my sister will be there too." He tells you. "Really? What's she like?"
"She's a l bitch." Kyotani says bluntly. "Oh come on." You laugh. "Is she really that horrible?" Kyotani nods. "Yep." You just rolled your eyes. You didn't have a brother or sister, but you understood that siblings would pick fights and "resent" each other from time to time. "Is your dad gonna be there too?" Kyotani remained silent, his eyes narrowed. "No." Oh....You decided not to press for more questions, not yet at least. You didn't want to ruin the night by bringing up touchy subjects.
Before you knew it, you were at his home. Kyotani knocked on the door, which was immediately answered by his mom and Killer, who was barking and jumping on you. "Oh, look at you Y/n! You look stunning! Doesn't she Kentaro?" His mom gushed. Kyotani nods. "Come on in! Dinner is just about ready!" You thanked her before stepping inside. At the table was a girl with black hair and the same yellow eyes as Kyotani sat. She wasn't really paying attention to anything or anyone, aside from her phone, which she tapped away on. "Natsuki, we have a guest. Put that thing down for once!" Her mom says as she walks to the stove. Natsuki sighs heavily and puts her phone down. "Hey." She mutters. "You my dumb little brother's girlfriend or something?" You and Kyotani's faces turn red.
"Shut your trap, Natsuki!" Kyotani growls. "She's way too pretty for you, mutt." She smirks. "I said shut it!"
"Both of you shut up!" Their mother yells. "Sorry about my two idiots Y/n." She smiles. You just wave it off. "Uh, don't worry about it." Kyotani and Natsuki's mother set down a very delicious meal on the table. Everyone sat down and gave thanks for the meal before digging in. "Wow. This is really good!" You say as you take another bite. Kaori smiles warmly. "I'm glad you like it. You should take some home for your family. I may have gotten carried away and made a little too much. I was just so surprised that my son brought over such a sweet and beautiful young lady!" Kyōtani grumbles a curse under his curse. Your face warmed up. "I'm kinda surprised myself." You admit.
"Same here. Ken has always been weird. Never thought girls would be interested in him." Natsuki says bluntly. "Tsk. And I never thought guys would be into you, guess I was right, huh?" Kyotani counters. The two siblings were caught in a glare off with each other. "I say cut it out, both of you!" Kaori hissed.
The rest of the night was filled with conversations about school, and marriage, much to Kyotani's dismay, and just causal convo. There were more compliments about how nice and cute you were from his mom, and some questions from his sister for you like "so how much did my brother pay you to hang out with him?". They had to be one of the most chaotic family you've met, but you did enjoy their company. It was getting late, time for you to head home. Once again, Kyotani walked you home. "Thanks again." You smile softly. "Yeah, sorry about my mom and sister. Must have been exhausting." You shook your head. "They were great. I had a really good time tonight. Make sure you get back home safe ok?" Kyotani nods. "See ya." He turned ad walked away. You wave before walking inside your home. Your mother still wasn't home, you decided to head up stairs and catch up on your favorite anime.
While watching, your phone dinged. You looked down to see a text from Kyotani.
🐶Mad Puppy🐶
I had a good time too.
Night
You smiled and texted back.
You
Good night 😊
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My quandary is rooted in a separate fandom. I and a few of my friends have character blogs in this separate fandom. Well we aren't popular or that well known, but we have fun and we don't harm anybody. You see there is another group of character blogs as well [in this same fandom] who are very popular. They instantly get likes and fanfare from stans. Our blogs are nothing like theirs. We don't try to duplicate or mimic them in any way. However they (the popular character blogs) have on occasion ripped off our posts and posted our words to their blogs, have used our rp situations, have tried to do things that we do, that we noticed. We ended up blocking them. That's not my quandary though, my problem is one of my friends, let's call her Marsha, who rps her character perfectly and is funny and amazing, decided to start rping with them. Normally I wouldn't have a problem with this, but they are who they are, and Marsha is rping the stuff we do with her.. now with them. Isn't that odd? Marsha pities them because she (and we) suspects that in actuality, the popular blogs are run by 1 or 2 people (there's quite a lot of those blogs). I suspect Marsha is right. But? Is this even fair? I don't trust her, because why is she emulating our rp style, with these blogs that hate us for nothing?
This is part 1 of the quandary but I'll break it off here, due to length, and tell me what you think?
Addendum: I'm not trying to flex, but we put a lot of thought into our blogs, a lot of care goes into building our characters. We take it seriously. The other character blogs are based on crack threads. Which is always welcome, but it feels so frustrating. Even when we do crack threads I'm sorry but we're just funnier. 🤷🏼♀️ Not tootin my own horn but when Marsha posts with the haters (lack of a better term), she's giving them more likes and we sort of feel, hey, look at us here, we're just rping alone.
(If I could show you what the other blogs post about, 50 reblogs about utensils and.. You would see what I mean!! And again, anyone has the right to post whatever they desire as long as it's not harmful, but their actions against us is what riles me up.)
It's so stupid how what should be a fun time has this added layer of stress. I haven't been sleeping or eating. I'm sorry for dumping this on you. But I need a voice unrelated to my fandom to just.. Tell me what I'm not seeing.
(If you want me to shut up I will!)
Hi ♥ First, I’m sorry you have to go through this. Fandom, especially RP parts, can be traumatizing. And it’s hard to really leave, because there are people you care about. And sometimes it’s almost impossible. I will put it under the cut, bcs it’s long.
Second, I would advise you to be careful about what the group is saying about the second group. Masha (for some reason I imagine Marcia from Succession) maybe chose the strategy - if you can’t defeat them, you must join them. Which sometimes can be good, but it can get weird. Sometimes people just want to join the popularest plastics because the promise of popularity seems great (I shrug because this is literally tumblr, why are people still playing plastics lmao). That’s really on them, but there’s a chance she might tell them everything you’re saying, so I really think you should be careful. People like to take things out of context to show how abusive other people are. Just be safe and in case there’s anything sensitive, delete it, because these things can get pretty messy very fast. I’m not saying she will do it, I sincerely hope she won't, I hope she feels only sorry for them, but it’s better to be safe than sorry.
Third – do not tell them you think they are copying your content. I know this sounds like terrible advice, but many people were accused on this website of stealing stuff and used it as evidence that the other person is shitty. For some reason, RP attracts people who don’t have a very strong sense of identity (which is fine by the way, sometimes I struggle with that too, so I know how it feels) and sometimes these things happen, and they don’t even realize. It sucks, but it is what it is. And your complaining will be used as ammunition.
You can get into a fight, but honestly, it’s not worth the mental turmoil, because this is basically what thirteen years old children do, mimicking Ar*ana Grande or other famous celebs. It is hurtful to see other people being rewarded for your content, but it’s not like you can do anything, there are no judges. Unless the person is level-headed (if someone told me I would probably apologize bcs it’s my big fear, copying someone! I’d rather know that continue that behavior), there’s a little chance they will admit that they’re basically stealing it from you and most likely they don’t even realize (which is not an excuse, but it lowers the chance of them admitting to it). You probably won’t win and if you will, you will pay for it with your mental health. Most likely, you both will lose in the end or it will be a pyrrhic victory, take that from me. Also I have one thought about it being one or two people – they might be unconsciously mimicking one another, so they might appear as the same, just thought.
So I would advise you to just block them and not watch them. In the end, it’s embarrassing for them to steal something. And as someone who had their content stolen (ironically, by people who would probably prefer if I died and who lied about me and last time I was told they’re still at it but I can’t let that get to me), there’s one thing that always calmed me down. That they can take some things from me, but it doesn’t matter, because it came out of my head, my head is mine, they can’t replace it by taking the things it created. That’s the thing they want, but will never have, your mind. People say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery and it is true, it just sucks that people will take the credit.
But what you can do is evolve your ideas. They will be better since they came from you. You aren’t replacable. Try to focus that stress into something creative, even if it’s just out of spite and pettiness. If you don’t want to leave, there’s only that option left. And it’s much better than obsessing about what they took away, because it will only stress you out. You already have the most important thing – your mind and that’s already a higher ground. Not people liking it. It’s much better than fighting them and being petty on main. Believe me, you don’t need that kind of negativity in your life. Some people will notice, some won’t, but you don’t want them around anyway.
Oh and the last thing – take care of yourself. Sometimes I wish people on the internet could see the other person, because I doubt it would be as scary. This is like a high school and nothing more. I hope you will find peace in your ideas, and you won’t feel the need to check them. It can really get uglier than it is now, because some people feel they are entitled to make your life hell, don’t be one of them. Just say no to that negativity, be careful and don’t check them out, because it will ruin your fun. Try not to spiral down and not let the bad thoughts in, this is how you protect your safe space.
I’m sorry for telling you to kind of surrender, but safety and mental health comes first. And this is the only way it worked for me.
#anonymous#ask#✿life is full of little interruptions✿#konohanians talk#✿wouldn't you like to know✿#ooc probably?#fandom shit#also keep on asking#hashiramathetheTherapist
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I'm legit curious how Steve and Bucky's last conversation went on. Steve's idea of making Sam the next captain and Bucky "well, I don't know him well but nice". Like, these two old man don't even thought in asking what Sam would think.
Also, what are your thoughts about that scene when they recovered the shield and Bucky throws the shield on the floor next to Sam. I got ?? like wtf man you are really imposing and implying something here. The next scene of them they already cleaned up the shield and Bucky was really upset and I not talking to Sam, I wonder if it was because after all happened Sam didn't seem to want the shield. And one more thing, when Bucky had a change of mind ? like, meeting Ayo and realizing that he's able to do the right thing and being forgiven is when he decided to visit Sam and apologize? I have so many thoughts and doubts 🧐🤯
Oh, great points (and sorry for taking forever to get back to you.) Hope it’s okay to post in public - if not, let me know and I’ll delete the post!
There are soooo many ways that conversation could go, right? Depending on how much time they spent talking, what Steve’s tone was, what Bucky’s headspace looked like... The possibilities are endless. And when the show starts, Bucky has been ignoring Sam’s texts, so???? It’s not a matter of “sometime off-screen Sam and Bucky became friends” - sure, maybe as Bucky became more depressed, he began to ignore Sam in a way he hadn’t before, but that doesn’t seem to be what happened. So I honestly have no idea. And if they had the time to discuss it, couldn’t they have spent half a sec saying “Hey, Sam, you want the shield?” I’m not asking them to spend a whole week discussing the finer details, but even just a heads up? It’s probably the result of the show trying to make sense of a scene that was awkwardly written in the movie due to pacing, but I hate it when I can’t make Watsonian sense out of weird Doylist decisions :/
Okay, so I went back and rewatched that part of the episode. I think part of why Bucky is a complete asshole in that scene (sorry Buck, but you were) is that I’m pretty sure - even if it’s Walker - fighting someone who has that shield probably triggers the hell outta Bucky’s PTSD, on top of generally messing with his unresolved Steve feelings. The other part is, I think, that he’s still thinking (especially because heat of the moment, etc) that Sam didn’t do a good enough job looking after the shield that Steve left him. Yeah, they took it back, but only after it’d been... desecrated is the word I’m looking for, I think. I think maybe it was something like “There you go, we got you the shield - make sure you hold on to it this time because you completely fucked this up and none of this would’ve happened if you’d just done as Steve told you and like I kept shouting at you to do”? Which is stupid and mean, but y’know. Emotions. Bucky’s track record with Sam hasn’t been exactly stellar.
Then what happens is, as far as I can tell, that Bucky only sticks around because the mission isn’t done. I find it pretty interesting that he’s... withdrawn but not as sulky as he could possibly be up until when Torres shows up. For me that shows he was already pretty on the edge and even just one half-stranger showing up was enough to make him want to Get The Hell Out Of The Room Immediately, Mission Be Damned. But then by the time he gets to Zemo, he seems bad-tempered but honestly pretty calm? Zemo tries to get to him and doesn’t manage to, which is maybe a first in the show, so while I don’t think he was in a good mood, I think by then enough time had passed that he had cooled off enough to be more rational about things.
And then it’s like... He messed up, but when he made things right, Ayo gave him a second chance. And I think something clicks in his brain that even if Sam messed up, he’s trying to make things right, so maybe Bucky should give him a second chance too. Asking Ayo a favor definitely seems to be a last second decision. No that he thought right then and there “hey, let’s get Sam vibranium gifts!!!” but maybe he had considered that before and this moment just made him decide to follow through with that idea.
By the time Bucky takes the suit/wings/whatever to Sam, he’s definitely had the time to sleep on it and I think that’s how he goes from “I can forgive Sam for messing up” to “Huh. Maybe I messed up,” because by the time he meets up with Sam to “drop this off” he seems... extremely convinced Sam is about to kick him out. There’s something very defensive, very ready for Sam to pick up their argument from earlier, y’know? He keeps checking if he’s still wanted there or if Sam wants him to leave, which is very unusual for Bucky “I’M COMING WITH YOU WHETHER YOU WANT IT OR NOT” Barnes. I think he knows Sam would have every right to be mad at him.
Now what exactly made the lightbulb go off, I have no idea. My headcanon is that since he’s on speaking terms with Ayo, maybe they had a quick chat about it? He almost certainly didn’t go to Wakanda with her - he’s not welcome anymore - but it’s possible that they talked when she gave him the suit/wings/whatever? Bucky seems to have a tendency to work out things by talking (even if he’s bad at it), so I feel this is just a tiny bit more likely than him just staring at the ceiling Reflecting. Not that I think reflection didn’t happen - I think it did - but I think Bucky might have double checked with Ayo that he was on the right path, you know? That’s the headcanon I’m going with until canon contradicts me.
...this is probably 10 times longer than what you wanted, I’m so sorry, I’ll shut up now.
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Pro-Hero Lingerie Pt.2
Summary: Continuation of PART 1
Words: 2,316
Warning: Semi-Lemon Headcanons/Mini scenarios
Author's Note: I recently received a lot of asks for more characters so I just decided to combine them into a part 2. I should have included All Might and Sero in this but I'm not going to go back and delete the posts I already made just to make a new one.
Suneater
Tamaki wasn't the most outgoing person, in the beginning of your relationship, but he did what he thought would make you happy. The more you two were together, the more he came out of his shell and didn't get flustered easily. In fact, it's gotten to the point where Tamaki can take control in the bedroom, making you realize how sexy he can be when he's dominant. However, you missed hearing his stutters and shyness so from this release, you hoped to hear them again.
→ What it looks like: It's a cute purple lace romper with a plunging neckline. The part covering your breasts is lace detail and the detail stops where the plunging neckline stops. From there, a small black ribbon with a bow separates the top from the bottom. The bottom half of the neckline is a see-through mesh that is flowy against your thighs. The back is crisscrossed with the adjustable straps in a keyhole detail.
You rushed home, knowing that Tamaki was on his way home too and you hoped to beat him there so you can surprise him. Sighing in relief, you were the first one home and you hurried to go get changed in the bedroom. Just as you were slipping the on the lingerie, you heard the door open.
→ His reaction: "(Y/n)! I'm home!" Tamaki called out to you cheerfully. "Welcome home! Can you come help me in the bedroom?" He hears you call out to him in response and he starts to walk towards the bedroom. "Are you ok- o-oh." He stops and stares as you sit on the edge of the bed innocently looking at him with your head tilted. There's that shyness. Standing up, you walk towards him and grin, watching that blush start to grow on his cheeks.
You lean up and kiss his cheek softly. "Do you like it? I dressed up for you, Tamaki~" You purr up at him, staring into his eyes. Tamaki gulps and nods, his hands shaking as they move to the bottom of the romper, rubbing your thighs through the mesh. "I love it...are you trying to t-tease me, (Y/n)?" His eyes darken slightly and you bite your lip trying to savor what control you had left. You shake your head innocently, moving to run your hands down his chest. Suddenly, Tamaki grabbed your hands and pinned them behind your back, forcing your chest out. "T-that's not playing fair, sunshine. You said you needed help, but since you're not playing fair, I don't think I should either."
Shinsou
It was early in the morning when you heard about the release. Shinsou was laying next to you breathing softly, the warm rays of sunlight entering through the cracks of the blinds. You were happy to see him finally able to sleep soundly, something he never did when he was a hero in training. The hard work he put in made him both physically and emotionally tired making him sometimes sleep in later than you. Today was the day you two both had a day off together, so you were excited to spend time with him. Although hearing about this release, you thought it would be fun to surprise him when he wakes up. Slipping the covers off, you slowly get out of bed to get changed to leave and buy the lingerie.
→ What it looks like: It's a three-piece set. this first piece is a black satin underwire bra with a little purple bow in the center. The second piece is a black panty with lace detail adorning the front, teasing what is underneath, with another little purple bow at the top. The last part of the lingerie is the garter belt stocking fishnets. The top of the fishnets have the same lace detail as the panty with the little purple bow in the middle of each one.
Picking up the set, you hurry and check out hoping that Shinsou is still asleep. You carefully open the door and close it behind you, not hearing any noise in the kitchen. Sighing in relief, you tiptoe down the hall and peek your head in the bedroom seeing Shinsou still sleeping soundly, hugging a pillow to his chest. You smile and head to the bathroom to change before heading back to the kitchen to surprise Shinsou with breakfast.
→ His reaction: Shinsou woke up to the delicious aroma of bacon, eggs, and coffee. With his eyes still closed, he turned on his back and yawned deeply, stretching his arms and legs to rid himself of drowsiness. "Good morning, Hitoshi~" He heard you sing entering the room. "Good mor-" Shinsou had opened his eyes when he replied but stopped, seeing you place a platter of food and coffee on the nightstand. In that.
Shinsou sits up in bed and smirks as his eyes trail over your body slowly. "Oh? What do I owe for the room service?" Pretending to think, you walk over to the edge of the bed, kneeling on it as you begin to crawl towards him. "Hmm...do you like your surprise?" Shinsou watched you intently as you straddled his hips, the small smirk on his face making heat grow in your stomach. Your arms come to wrap around his neck as his hands come to trace along the garter belt, his fingers teasing under the straps. Shinsou hums and leans in to kiss your neck up to your ear. "Surprise? This is such a naughty way to wake me up, (Y/n). Am I awake? Looks like I need to make sure I'm not dreaming."
Eraserhead
You were at home waiting for Aizawa to get back from UA when you heard about the release. Surprisingly enough, Aizawa still worked as a teacher and with every new year, students came in with such strong quirks and great pro-hero potential, that you haven't seen him much lately. Especially lately with The Provisional License Exams coming up, he's been extra stressed out trying to get his class ready. Deciding to surprise him at the school and help him relieve some stress, you go to pick up the lingerie.
→ What it looks like: It's a black two-piece set. The top is a caged bra with a high neck top and an open net-front. The bottom is a mini garter skirt with a criss-cross opened detail at the hip. The piece also comes with matching thigh-high fishnet stockings to clip to the garter skirt.
The lingerie had a mature vibe to it and you knew Aizawa would be pleased. You stopped home to change into the piece, hiding the surprise under a trenchcoat. You were about to walk out the door when you pass the collar, handcuffs, and cat ears that were apart of his sex toy release. Gasping, you quickly put the collar on, and pop the collar on your trenchcoat to hide it, and place the handcuffs and cat ears in your pocket. Slipping on a pair of stilettos, you walk out the door giggling.
→ His reaction: It was late and Aizawa was still sitting at his desk shuffling through the hero intern forms, getting them ready for after the Provisional License Exam. He paused to rub the bags under his eyes, drained of today's activities. Every year the students seemed to get more and more out of control making him feel he was getting too old. He got up and stretched walking towards the door to go get a coffee from the teacher's lounge.
When you arrived, you opened the door to Aizawa's classroom and saw he was missing. Humming in confusion, you start untying the trenchcoat and toss it over one of the desks before pulling out the handcuffs and cat ears. Putting the ears on, you spin the handcuffs around your finger and walk over to Aizawa's desk, leaning against it waiting for him. On cue, Aizawa walks through the doors and stops when he sees you. Slowly and unblinking, he steps into the room and shuts the door behind him, locking it. "(Y/n)..." You pout sweetly and place the handcuffs down on his desk, strutting over to him. "Master, I came to check on you." Aizawa met you halfway as his eyes roamed your body, his hand moving to undo his shirt. He rested his hand under your thigh, just under the bottom of your mini skirt, teasingly brushing up the curve of your ass. "My little kitten...what a surprise. I should punish you for coming here dressed like that. Would you like that? Over my desk? Be a good kitty for me and maybe I'll give you a reward."
Present Mic
Being in a relationship with Yamada was nothing you ever expected. Before you were together, he tried all of his tricks to win you over, and when he finally got through to you, he personality calmed. It's been years since the two of you have been together and Yamada had just recently expressed his desire to start a family with you. It was a pleasant surprise to find that Yamada was ready to settle down, considering his loud personality. You were excited for the two of you and what better way to try than to spice things up a little?
→ What it looks like: It's a simple but sexy black bodysuit with a thong cut. The bodysuit itself is fully laced with ruffled sleeves and the fabric around the thong cut is ruffled as well. It has underwire support and wrapped around that is a yellow ribbon that has a big yellow bow between your boobs.
You had bought the lingerie earlier and you were currently waiting for Yamada to get home. The idea of starting a family with him made you nervous but excited. Looking back down at your outfit, you hoped that him seeing you like this would get him riled up. Anxious, you begin fixing your hair in the mirror.
→ His reaction: Yamada walked through the door and was about to call out to you when he stopped himself, not wanting to get into the habit of yelling if he wanted to start a family with you. He was trying to prepare himself now so he could properly take care of his future child and not cause you so much stress. Instead, he closed the front door and decided to look for you. Pushing open the bedroom door, his jaw dropped.
"(Y/n)?!" How Yamada managed to keep his voice down, you'll never know, but you jumped and whipped your head around in shock. "Oh! I wasn't expecting you to be this home early. I was going to surprise you." You bashfully held your hands behind your back. Yamada stalked toward you and tugged at the bow between your breasts. "So you're serious then? You want me?" He questioned, staring into your eyes. You nodded. "I'm serious if you're serious, Yamada. I want to start a family with you." Yamada growled and lifted you up by your ass caring you to the bed. "Prepare yourself, (Y/n). I'm going to get you pregnant."
Endeavor
When Enji took over the number one hero spot, he became even busier than before. You were proud of him, but you missed those nights when he would come home late and cuddle you until he fell asleep. Now there were some nights he didn't even come home. You were touch deprived and hurt that you two didn't see each other often. Enji was never one for words and more of an action type of guy, but you knew he was missing you too. Just the other day, he sent a huge bouquet of roses to your job, surprising you. Sighing, you glance down at your phone at the release announcement, trying to figure a way to surprise him back.
→ What it looks like: It's a two-piece set. The first and main part is a dark navy blue long mesh dress that hugs your figure with an intricate lace border detail. The dress is slit by your hips on the sides to show off your legs and a little bit of your ass, leading down to just reaching your ankles. The second piece is a simple thong that goes underneath the dress to cover yourself, however, it is optional.
You went to pick up to lingerie anyway excited by the design since you knew Enji preferred more of a classy look. Coming home, you were still thinking of a plan as you went in the bedroom to change. You could still dress up as you thought about an idea, right? Just then your phone buzzed with a text.
My Number 1: Thinking about you x
You smirk thinking of a plan.
→ His reaction: Enji sat back in his chair at the agency longing to come home to you. Yes, he was finally the number one hero, but he had someone now he wanted to take care of and spend time with. That's why he had pulled out his phone to send you a quick text that he missed you. He had just put his phone back down when it buzzed again and he picked it up excitedly.
Baby Doll: -1 image attachment-
Confused, Enji opened the text and his eyes widened in shock before he smirked, leaning back in his chair. 'Thinking about you more ;)' was titled under the picture. Enji admired your pose in the floor-length mirror, his eyes zoning in on you biting your lips. He growled and stood up, grabbing his things and walking out the door, determined to take the rest of the day off. Opening his phone in the elevator he sent you another text.
My Number 1: You better be ready when I get home, (Y/n) and leave the outfit on. I'm going to show you exactly what I was thinking about.
OTHERS:
Original
All Might
Cellophane
Ingenium
Phantom Thief
Tsukuyomi
Gang Orca, Midnight
#my hero academia#boku no hero academia#mha#bnha#my hero academia x reader#mha x reader#mha x reader lemon#bnha x reader lemon#bnha x reader#aizawa shouta#aizawa x reader#aizawa x reader lemon#present mic#yamada hizashi#yamada x reader#yamada x reader lemon#shinsou hitoshi#shinsou x reader#shinsou x reader lemon#enji x reader#enji x reader lemon#endeavor x reader#endeavor x reader lemon#tamaki amajiki#tamaki x reader#tamaki x reader lemon#mha lemon#bnha lemon
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My mental state has just worsened over the days, though I'm not sure why, and I just feel so unmotivated and lacking any energy to practice any self care other than napping, and also feel anxious because I'm not studying enough.. feel like I'm just 1/4th assing my responsibilities.. And when someone asks me how I'm doing, sometimes I blurt out that I'm not fine, and the guilt I feel afterwards for making them worry, so I find myself withdrawing from initiating conversation with them, even though I really want to, and this makes them worry about me more.. I just don't know anything anymore, everything feels too much, yet I can't rant in a clear conscience without feeling guilty for bothering them, and thinking how I don't deserve to complain because they have had so much worse (yes I know pain is relative, but I feel so horrible, like a whiny child, who doesn't know how to be content with her blessings)......
Sorry I know it's a lot.. feel free to delete it if it's triggering or making you uncomfortable in any way... I just needed to get it out..
My lovely nonnie, im so, so glad you sent this ask. and got it all out of your system. yeah this sounds cheesy but like ive been there, with not knowing how to reach out—im proud you had the courage to send this ask. girlboss vibes.
also this ask took a while to answer and im so so sorry about that, but I didnt want to do anything less than the best for you, so let's just jump right in <[:)
Lacking motivation, god I've been there, but doing self care is super super important so here is a how-to, hon.
How to do selfcare when you’re not motivated to:
1. Be a little “gross.”
Gross is in quotes because it’s so subjective, but you undoubtedly have a few behaviors you consider kind of gross regardless. Now’s the time to do them without judgment. For me, that’s meant showering less, eating weird food combos (sometimes in bed), and letting my brows and mustache grow magnificently unruly. For you, it could mean doing something you normally judge yourself for or cutting back on activities you only do for the benefit of others. Now is not the time to allow “socially acceptable” behaviors to rule you.
2. Eat whatever the hell you want.
This should be a rule always, but I’m not going to pretend there aren’t societal, social, and personal pressures that go into why we eat what we eat. Try to shut down the voice that judges or polices what you’re eating right now. We’re in the middle of a goddamn pandemic. If dinner has to be some slices of cheese and deli meat eaten in front of the open fridge, so be it. If you have a lot of cravings and are snacking more than you normally would, cool. If pre-pandemic you decided you were going to stick to a certain meal plan and it’s just not happening anymore? Don’t beat yourself up.
Yes, what we eat is connected to our mental health, and I don’t want to discount that—but if the stress of eating healthfully is making you feel like crap anyway, whether that’s because you can’t fathom cooking or don’t have the means to shop for certain foods during isolation, just eat the sleeve of Oreos and try again another day. It’s okay.
3. And wear whatever you want.
Or, more realistically, wear whatever you can. Even if it means wearing the same ratty sweatpants for a whole week. Or month. Maybe you started all this out aspiring to get dressed every day to work from home productively, or maybe you have a whole collection of comfortable loungewear you feel guilty for not utilizing. Whatever arbitrary rules and expectations you’ve set for yourself, you can throw them out.
On the other hand, maybe you need to quiet the voice that tells you there’s no point in getting dressed or feeling presentable. If it helps, by all means, play with your look, wear awesome or weird outfits, do your hair and makeup or whatever activity might feel a little silly given your current reality. In the middle of a pandemic, nothing is a waste of time if it makes you feel good.
4. Use shortcuts to avoid creating chores.
In my first week or so of working entirely from home, I was baffled by just how messy my apartment got. How on earth were so many messes piling up when I wasn’t even doing anything but working, sleeping, and eating? I hadn’t realized it, but a lot of my small tidying routines had become casualties to the pandemic. And, it turns out, slacking on the little ways I pick up after myself every day (such as doing the dishes right after I use them) added up quickly.
Instead of forcing myself to stick to the same levels of tidiness that I used to maintain, I’ve found shortcuts. For example, I use paper plates and plastic cutlery when I feel too fatigued to wash dishes so they don’t sit in the sink for days on end. Or I stick to the same two “outfits” to avoid clothes piling up when I’m too depressed to put them away every day. If you can find a small way to go easy on yourself, even if it feels a little wasteful or indulgent or gross, it’s okay to tap into those shortcuts right now.
5. Be kind to yourself if your place is messy or dirty.
I won’t lie: I’m someone whose space impacts my mental health a lot. Typically, keeping my apartment clean helps keep my mental health in check and letting my apartment get gross makes me feel worse. That’s still true in a lot of ways, but to adapt I’ve been trying to be mindful and accepting of where I’m at. And it’s…helped?
It turns out that taking the pressure off does a lot to mitigate the guilt and some of the other negative mental health effects I usually experience. In practice, it involves a lot of talking to myself. Instead of seeing my apartment turning into a depression cave and immediately thinking, “Oh, God, I need to clean up, this is so disgusting, I’m a monster for living like this, of course I feel depressed,” I go for kindness. I think (or even say out loud because, well, desperate times), “Of course my apartment is a mess right now. I’ll get to it when I get to it. I can handle the mess for now.”
6. Accept your new sleep schedule.
idk anyone whose sleep hasn’t been screwed in some way by all of this. Anxiety, depression, fatigue, pent-up energy from sheltering in place, tech use, new work responsibilities, screwy schedules…pretty much every aspect of our new reality can impact our sleep. Some people are sleeping a lot more, some are sleeping a lot less, and some are cycling through both extremes. Oh, and the temptation of naps! It’s all there.
Trying to maintain a healthy sleep schedule during all of this is a worthy endeavor—and more power to you if you’ve figured out how—but there’s a good chance that it feels impossible.
By “accepting” your new sleep schedule, I don’t mean pretending it doesn’t suck; I mean doing what you can to be gentle on yourself about it. For me, acceptance has looked like watching some comfort tv and reading my favourite books at 2 a.m. instead of staying in bed and anxiety-spiraling about how I can’t sleep. Is it ideal? No way. But I’m not going to waste energy stressing about something I currently can’t control.
7. Give yourself plenty of room to do absolutely nothing.
I’ve given myself permission to do a whole lot of nothing. That includes getting rid of the pressure to be productive and practice self-care, yes, but in a broader sense, it also means not forcing myself to actively “adjust” every day.
Some days, I just need to do nothing but feel my feelings. Or avoid feeling my feelings. Or stare at the ceiling. Give yourself space to do (or not do) whatever you need to.
also, nonnie? my love?
Never feel guilty about telling someone who cares about you when you don’t feel okay.
People who genuinely care about you—and I’m sure they are many—will care if you aren’t feeling good, there are always going to be people who care about you, who want you to be okay, that’s why they ask, why people make rant, why “how are you?” is such a common question.
But if you do need to talk, but you feel like you’ll “burden” people who you do talk to, here’s a guide to ranting.
Guide to ranting:
1. Pick the right person. Someone who’s in the right headspace to listen to you, you could also pick someone who cares about you—if you’re anxiety tells you nobody cares about you, pick someone who “should” care about you in your relationship, e.g: a friend you’ve had for a long time, a friend who’s told a few of their problems, or friend you might not feel close with, but seems very kindhearted and a good listener.
2. Pick the right time to talk to them, so you can have their undivided attention. If they are busy—as most people will be with something—they’ll have a hard time giving you good advice and listening to you. Ask them when they are free, and then ask them:
3. “hey, can we talk? I’m not mad or you or anything, it’s just that I have been not feeling great, and I just want to rant to someone about it.” and “No pressure to say yes, you might have your own stuff to do deal with.” to make sure they are the right person to talk to.
4. It’s ok to test the waters. Start slowly, you don’t have to share everything at once if you don’t want to.
5. You never know how your friend will react to what you say.While you can’t know how they’ll react, just remember that sometimes people’s initial reactions may come from a place of shock, surprise or not knowing what to say. Their initial reaction isn’t always their longerterm reaction, it may just take them a little time to process.
6. Look for ways to take action. Don’t get me wrong, ranting can be amazing for you, but on its own may not solve your problem.
But maybe venting to people isn’t for you. No matter! There are other ways to get out emotions:
Ways to rant without talking to anyone
1. Cry it out— simple and rewarding. When the baggage is just too heavy to carry cry it out. It can help you ease the pressure and ease your mind to think straight after days of holding that frustration in.
2. Work out — easy and fun. tire yourself out and release all the frustration in working out! This is going to be so satisfying for you as you try and punch, kick, balance, lift, and breathe those frustrations away.
3. Clean & rearrange — practical and can be fun. we get frustrated by so many things and one thing that can truly help clear our minds is to have a clean place where we can stay and live for the moment to breathe. Clean your room, rearrange your things and you’ll be surprised by the satisfaction this brings — a signal of a new beginning.
4. Scribble — simple and fun. Make scribbles, doodles, drawings, take a pen or a pencil, and let go. It does not have to be “good” art or professional at all. Just draw whatever comes to heart, sunflowers or clouds or rainbows—anything.
5. Write it down — fun and simple. Let those words out of your head and just live in the moment.
How to fight the lack of motivation.
1. Don't fight the lack of motivation.
If you feel down or unable to muster tons of energy, let it be ok. Be easy on yourself and acknowledge that it's ok to have a dip, especially at this time of the year.
2. Once you have accepted your slump, get to the bottom of it.
Ask yourself, "What is the root cause of this sluggish feeling?" Go deeper than the obvious reasons. Is it related to work? Your personal life? Relationships? It might also just be the weather. Get clear on what areas of your life you're feeling the most resistance.
3. Dig into that area. What is not ideal about this aspect of your life? What would make it better?
Make a list of how you'd like your current situation to improve--and be specific. If you truly can't find a reason to be less than enthusiastic, then accept your feelings and let them pass with time.
4. Take your list of what is missing and go through it.
What is holding you back from being able to create the things that are missing in your life?
5. Get support for creating the life you want.
Do some research and find an expert to help you. Even though they love you, friends and family aren't objective enough, and they tend to give advice that is a reflection of their own life and insecurities.
6. Think of current habits that are contributing to a less-than-ideal life.
Maybe it's fear, laziness, or not having enough confidence. Pick one to focus on.
7. Address this habit over the next 2 months.
They say it takes 28 days to create a new habit, but this varies from person to person. If you focus on it for two months, you are sure to build the neural pathways needed to call it a new way of being.
8. Buy a book, read articles or do some research on this particular behavior or feeling.
Read about the common causes of this habit as well as the proven ways to bust through and work around it.
9. Create a plan around shifting your current habit.
Make sure that changing this habit ultimately helps you move forward in the area of your life that is not ideal. The energy from clarity, awareness and then action will immediately get you feeling more motivated, no matter what.
10. When all else fails: make a list of activities that excite you, and do one of them right now.
Talk to a fun friend, dance around at home, workout, watch a funny YouTube video, tackle something on your to-do list. Accomplishing something will give you a hit of dopamine in your brain. If you're too overwhelmed by your day, sit for five minutes and meditate. Put on some soothing music and breathe.
okay, that's all nonnie, I hope you feel the lust for life in your lungs, please have all my love, i hope this helped, this ask took a while, but it was worth if it helps
and if you need to dont worry to send another ask, if you like spam the inbox!! queen!!!
take care, much love my sweet honey, bye <3
—*putting daisies in your hair as they leave* mod peppermint <[:)
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