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acescavern · 7 months

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END TO START - LEE TAEYONG X READER

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Pairing: Soulmate!Johnny x Soulmate! reader, Taeyong x reader. ( Ft Mark, Jungwoo, Ten, Jaehyun, Taeil, Yuta. Mentions Jaemin once.)

Genre: Heavy angst my guys, soulmates au, neo frat au, university au, fluff, Hanahaki Soulmate trope.

Synopsis: Taeyong had been perfectly happy to sit back and watch you and Johnny be together. However, when he starts to notice certain behaviors that are all too familiar, he finds himself unable to watch you slowly die. Just because Johnny may not love you anymore... doesn't mean Taeyong doesn't love you either.

wc: 4.9k

Warnings: Heavy angst, Blood, Mentions of death, suffering, choking, johnny is unfaithful, it's a Hanahaki au so they basically cough up dead and thorned flowers. It's not a graphic description but there are descriptions of pain too, mentions of weight loss due to being unwell, Unrequited love, hurt, Taeyong's been in love with the reader since before her and Johnny got together, heavy rejection, soulmate rejection ( Just because i have written this does NOT mean that i think any one of the nct members would cheat or act thi way. this is pure FICTION.) Please let me know if i have missed any warnings

Note: Hi! I have a few fics in the works but I'm worried I wont get them done for Halloween. So, I am blessing you with this heart-breaking fic. I wanted to release this fic early as a thank you for all your love on Operation Rizz! Now, this is the same frat universe as all my other NCT fics. they can all be read as stand alone though, so don't worry! Any feedback is once again appreciated. I do not own the concept of Hanahaki.

Likes and reblogs are appreciated

Soulmates were supposed to be someone's everything—the one person who was meant specifically for them. Someone you can lean on and cherish, who would dote and adore you. Someone to dish out as much love to you as you unto them. To stay by your side and grow old together. However, some people are already at that stage when they meet their destined person. There was also the worry of some people not having a soulmate. Legend says that only the blessed are gifted with such.

Gifted? Yes. To many, the Soulmate system is a curse - depending on what type you are assigned to. Tattoos? Easy. Mind reading? Okay a little more difficult. Red string? That practically takes you straight to them. Eternal life? Near impossible! You could spend many years with someone you thought was a soulmate only to see a wrinkle and realize you aren’t made for each other at all. Seeing things in black and white only to suddenly be overwhelmed with color at a music festival and not know who the hell you’d bumped into in that massive crowd that could possibly be your soulmate. Not everyone even had a soulmate, they could be with whoever they wanted without consequences.

But there was one type in particular that nobody wanted. Hanahaki. Named after the fictional Japanese Hanahaki Disease. It comes from the Japanese words Hana - meaning flower and Hakimasu - quite literally meaning, to throw up.

In a soulmate's case, when they first meet each other a seed is awakened. It grows thorned roses - the flowers of love - cradling the person’s heart and twining around inside their lungs. For the most part, other than the occasional flutter and heartburn, it goes unnoticeable. So long as the soulmate reciprocates the feelings of love. But, should one soulmate start to fall out of love? The other will suffer terribly. The flowers will die, the spikey stems squeezing at the organs they were once gently caressing with love. Crushing in their anguish.

Of course, unlike the other soulmate types, there are two ways out of Hanahaki... Let the weight of the unreciprocated love drag on painfully until you die, or convince your health insurance to accept the cost of the operation to remove the offending plants. However, by the time one realizes they are soulmates, it is likely that the bond has already been unreciprocated.

Taeyong knew this. He knew this because it happened to him. He had once been on the receiving end of the agonizing scratch of dead rose stems climbing up his throat in a mess of blood and wilted petals. Taeyong had nearly died. He recognized the signs clearly and that was the reason he was so shocked to see them in who he did.

Johnny’s soulmate.

Taeyong first took notice when you walked through the door of the club. A celebration night to celebrate the frat’s anniversary alongside Taeyong’s new choreographer position in the dance studio he works in. Your face had a slightly paler tone and although you were doing a good job at keeping your breathing even… Taeyong recognized the telltale signs of a wince when you took the air in too harshly.

But when he saw Johnny approach you and press a loving kiss to your forehead, he scolded himself for thinking such things. Taeyong knew something was up though, your smile didn’t meet your eyes and when you congratulated him with a hug, he swore he could feel your body tremble.

He tried not to worry too much throughout the night but when he saw Johnny by the bar, his charming smile dazzled at some sorority girls that had been invited… Taeyong wondered where you’d gone. The disappointment within him only grew when he watched his best friend and frat brother go home with one of them.

So, maybe his suspicions were correct. A few weeks passed and he’d not seen a glimpse of you, Johnny hadn’t even uttered your name. The rapper hadn’t had time to sit him down and ask him about the incident. Until now.

Taeyong dabbed the sweat from his brow with the neckline of his shirt, swiping his water bottle from the floor. He shuffled toward his friend, watching as he grinned at his phone as he typed. He was talking to someone and Taeyong only hoped it was you. That you’d both mended things to stop it getting worse. The thought of it all being a misunderstanding had a relieved smile spreading across his face as he settled on the floor next to Johnny.

“You texting ____? Tell her I said Hey.” Taeyong said, twisting the cap off his drink to take a swig. Taeyong was almost taken aback at the irritated flash that crossed Johnny’s expression at the mention of your name.

If Taeyong wasn’t so observant, he would have missed it. Johnny shook his head, swiftly locking his phone when his leader went to peer over his shoulder. “It’s not. It’s Yuki.”

Taeyong’s eyebrows scrunched, posture freezing for a moment. “The sorority girl you went home with?” He tried to keep his tone level. Memories of the same thing happening to himself reoccur in his mind. “What about ____?” The question hung awkwardly in the air, Johnny staring at Taeyong as if he’d asked something ridiculous.

“What about her?” He shrugged. “Just because I do stupid things, doesn't mean I don’t love her. She’s my soulmate.” He paused, an almost defeated sigh sagging at his shoulders. “The only one I got.”

Taeyong took notice of the slight bitterness in his words. Almost as if he didn’t realize that he did it. “Do you?”

Johnny rubbed at the back of his neck, his mouth opening but no words coming out. Once again, a defeated shrug of his shoulders. “Yeah… yes.” He cleared his throat as his voice broke. “I’m sure we’d of noticed by now if I hadn’t.” Johnny left no room for debate, standing up with a clap of his hands to suggest they continue their lacrosse practice.

You knew. You knew Johnny’s feelings for you were dwindling. You were reminded every time you coughed. Reminded by the way your breath left you in an agonizing squeeze when Johnny would kiss your forehead.

But, even though you knew… it didn’t make you love him any less. You knew what he got up to when your nights weren't spent together. You didn’t do a thing, didn’t bring it up. You almost tried to ignore it. You loved Johnny. You always would. And, as long as you continued to love him, he wouldn’t have the same fate as you. You would never wish this pain on him even if he was the cause.

You wished you’d heeded Mark’s seemingly lighthearted warning at the beginning of your relationship. ‘He’s one of my closest friends but he doesn’t always do the right thing, just… please be careful.’ Mark had said one evening. You hadn’t truly understood why he had said it, nor did you get to question him before Johnny had slid his arm around your middle.

You understood perfectly now. Especially as a sharp tickle wheezed in the back of your throat, your eyes discreetly scanning the new text message from your seat at the very back row of English lit class. ‘Can we rain check date night again? Coach is being a hardass and wants us to stay late.’ For the third week running, the same excuse. Sure, you’d seen Johnny. But Thursday was always date night. Something you’d both stuck to like glue once before.

Pain twisted in your chest, your breath rough. You brought the sleeve of your hoodie to your mouth, attempting a discreet cough. It didn’t do anything for you, the feeling like you’d swallowed razorblades. The world felt like it was spinning for a moment and you had to close your eyes and count to ten to steady it again.

One look at your sleeve had you frowning. The next stage had started. You’d read about this. Discoloured petals. You’d only coughed up one but one was enough for you to be sure. With one last attempt at clearing your throat, you brushed the blackened petal to the ground.

Taeyong shared this class with you. Whilst he didn’t often sit next to you, he was mostly always on the same row. Not many people occupied the back row and so, when he heard the muffled hack come from your direction he had looked over, shoulders tensing as he watched you.

He approached you at the end of class, watching your sluggish movements as you shoved your laptop back into your bag. “____, Are you alright?” He asked softly, noting the sheen of sickly sweat coasting your forehead.

Lips pressed firmly together, you nodded. You were certain if you opened your mouth you'd start coughing and choking again but you didn’t want to be rude. “I’m fine.” Bad idea. “Sorry, Yong, I gotta go-” Taeyong had never heard your voice so scratchy and coarse. He had also never seen you flee so quickly before he could even open his mouth, your notepad falling from your unzipped bag as you vanished before his eyes.

As he knelt down to collect it from the ground, his fingers made contact with a velvety, withered texture.

A blackened rose petal.

The next time Taeyong saw you, you were much worse than he could have imagined. He had only turned up at your apartment because he assumed Johnny had left his phone at your place. He couldn’t really understand the rushed words of ‘Shit! I left my phone at her place, I’m already late!’ When Taeyong offered to go and get it, he naturally thought of your place.

So when you answered the door, he was standing frozen at the sight of you. Your eyes had bags under them that would put JFK airport to shame. Your complexion was grey, lips cracked and dry. Taeyong could definitely see you’d lost some weight too, your knitted sweater nearly slipping off one shoulder. His gaze caught onto the marks along your neck, long red streaks almost looking like you had been clawing at it in your agony. Your winced call of his name kicked his brain into gear.

“Now isn’t a good ti-” His hands flew out to rub and pat your back as your words were interrupted.

Taeyong’s heart broke as he watched you struggle. You couldn’t get your breath, your face turning red from the strenuosity. Taeyong backed you into your apartment, kicking the door closed behind him. He sat you on your couch, disappearing from view for a moment.

You didn’t even take note of what exactly was being thrust under your nose, only that it would catch what your body rejected. One of his hands held the bucket, the other sweeping your hair away from your face. It was all too familiar for him. Except for Taeyong, he had done it alone.

“It’s okay, ____” He hushed, palm flattened over your back to rub comforting circles. “Breath through your nose and count to ten. It helps.”

You did as such, shoulders relaxing as the air finally seeped into your lungs. You wiped your mouth with the back of your hand, sighing at the crimson residue that was becoming all too familiar. You opened your mouth to speak, only to be gently hushed once more.

“It’s okay, it’ll hurt too much if you talk.” He set the bucket down on the side table. “You should get yourself some grapeseed oil. A teaspoon a day should at least prevent the attacks so often.” Taeyong didn’t look at you as he spoke, his hands busying themselves with opening the small drawer to your coffee table in search of tissues.

“You mean this?” You rasped, pulling the small droplet bottle from your pocket, and setting it down on the surface before you. Taeyong’s eyebrows creased.

It was the exact same bottle he was sure he had. Though, catching sight of the label on the bottle he knew it was his bottle. ‘Taeyong’ scribbled messily on the labeled sticker. He looked at you expectantly.

“Johnny gave it to me.” Just uttering his name sent a pang of hurt through you, a wave of emotion rippling from your jaw to the tips of your toes.

Taeyong understood immediately, a deep sigh resonating as he nodded once. “He knows then.” To which you nodded, eyes fixed on your lap.

He had never seen you cry, and he would hate to admit it but your eyes looked pretty when you did. It was as if the glaze of tears enhanced the colors of your iris. “He doesn’t know it’s this bad. He thinks the tickle has just started.”

“____, you’re dying and you’re telling me Johnny hasn’t noticed yet?” To say that Taeyong was in disbelief was an understatement. The new knowledge that Johnny knew now had floored him.

Why? Because Johnny hadn’t once let it show. Taeyong had been around the guy all week and he was still the happy comedic genius he always was. Not a hint of anything bothering him.

“Yong, It’s okay. I..” You drew your knees up to your chest, patting the spot next to you for him. “I’ve come to terms with it.”

“Come to terms with it?!” He spluttered. “____, you are in your twenties! You can’t be okay with dying in your twenties.” His hand raked through his hair, eyes blinking rapidly like he couldn't come to terms with how calm you looked right now.

Taeyong could feel the anger bubbling up in his chest, his gaze hardening as he addressed you once more. “You know he’s been seeing her too, don’t you?”

You were silent, shame eating at your subconscious. “If I ignore it then he won’t have to be like this too.”

Taeyong sprung up to his feet. “Wake up! He’s out there living his life with no regrets and you’re the one to suffer? I can’t…” He shook his head, shoving his clenched fists into his pockets. “I’m sorry, I just-” With one last shake of his head, Taeyong left you there. The slam of your front door announcing his absence.

Johnny remembered the conversation between the two of you very clearly. He was convinced he still loved you a lot. Just not in the way you need. At first, he thought it was doubt, but as time went on he started to notice the dry tickly cough and the abundance of petals scattered in your trash. He was sure it wasn’t harmful yet, certain that he still held the love in his heart for you.

Johnny didn’t love Yuki. She was fun. She was different. She wasn’t you. He could spend time with her without any strings attached. It was freeing, knowing he wasn't destined to be with her no matter what.

He felt guilt at first. He didn’t like lying to you, but it was for his own selfish gain that he did. Johnny had seen Taeyong go through the pain and near death of a soulmate falling out of love, he didn’t want that for himself. Johnny had too much to live for, as arrogant and self-centred as that sounded.

He remembered what you said when he gave you the vial of grapeseed oil, how your shaky hands had placed over his own. How you told him it was okay, it wasn’t his fault. But Johnny couldn’t help but think it was. Johnny tried so hard to make himself love you still. Your words of comfort swirled in his mind and kept him up at night. ‘Nobody can help who they do and don’t love. Feelings change, People don’t’ You’d said to him.

Johnny felt ashamed. Being unfaithful to you whilst you still loved him with every ounce of your soul. Deep down, Johnny knew you only had two options he just hoped you made a decision before it was too late.

Taeyong had been seen by barely anyone all week. It was as if he was attending his classes and then picking up every extra shift or odd job imaginable. The Neos were even more shocked when Mark slapped a flier down on the dining table ping pong table in front of some of the brothers. A for sale flier, advertising their frat leader’s motorcycle. The very same one that he cherished and spent a fortune to modify.

“Do you think he’s in debt?” Jungwoo frowned, setting his beer on the table.

That question alone earned a chortled laugh. “Woo, we’re in university. We’re all in debt.” Yuta clapped him on the back. “But, on a serious note, He’s been acting super weird lately.”

Everyone launched into debate, trying to determine why Taeyong would be selling his pride and joy so suddenly. Conversation ceased when the front door opened and the man in question shuffled into the open-plan living space with an exhausted wave.

“Ty, are you actually selling the bandit?” The question came from Taeil, Neo frat’s oldest member.

Taeyong moved through the living area, taking a seat at one of the beanbags littered around the table. “Already sold it.” He bobbed his head in a nod.

It earned him many concerned looks. “Are you in trouble or something? Are you trying to cover the water bill from when Mark broke the faucet?”

“No, Jae. I’m not in trouble. It’s not for me.” He reassured, his voice dying down quietly. “It’s for ____.”

Everyone stopped. Mark locked his phone, Yuta stopped chipping at his nail polish, and Taeil nearly spat out his beer. Jaehyun and Jungwoo were already staring at him.

“Why?”

Taeyong took a deep breath, anticipating the question.It didn’t take long for him to catch them up to speed. “You haven’t noticed? I can’t watch her die. Even if she’s come to terms with it.”

“She’s not been to class for a few weeks. Professor Choi just straight-up skips over her name now. I’m guessing they know.” Jaehyun hummed.

“Hm, Jaemin said he saw her last week on his midnight ramen run.” Mark recalled, “Said she looked like something out of living dead.”

“Mark,” Taeyong gave him a warning look. The younger just shrugged his shoulders. “I’m going to book the operation for her. She doesn’t know. I just need the deposit. After that, it’s monthly payments. I can scrape enough together for the monthly just fine.” He looked pained. “Whenever I see her, it’s like I’m watching myself go through it again.”

One by one, Jaehyun, Mark, Jungwoo, Yuta, and Taeil offered their help.

The six of them didn’t make it known what their plans were but soon enough, after Taeyong had put what he had already saved with what the others offered, it was enough. He rocked up to the private medical center, cash in an envelope that was tucked neatly within the inside pocket of his jacket.

Taeyong was pleasantly surprised that he was allowed to schedule and pay the deposit on your behalf. Acting on best interest. The receptionist did stress that you needed to fill in the form and sign consent upon arrival but Taeyong was more pleased that he was giving you a chance at life. That there was a possibility that you could carry on.

What he didn’t expect, was your immediate refusal when he brought the leaflet and forms over to your apartment the following morning. The smile dropped from his face as you tried to hide away from him. ‘He could die.’ You’d cried at him. And whilst it had been proven he wouldn't, you were convinced.

“He won’t, ____.” Taeyong begged. “Please, you can’t just accept this.” The bed dipped as he sat on the edge. The many times he had visited you now, you had always been. The last time you got up to open the door, Taeyong honestly worried that you would pass away right there on the doorstep. He took your spare key after that.

Taeyong’s gentle fingers lifted the damp wash cloth from the bowl at your bedside, running the cool material over your brow and cheeks. A light smile twitched at the corner of your lips, the sensation easing your fever, only a little but it was better than before. He knew he wasn’t going to get many more words from you this evening. You’d exhausted yourself already for the evening. Taeyong was just content enough to sit here and care for you.

Honestly, before it was known that you were Johnny’s soulmate, Taeyong had hoped you’d notice him. He had often found himself wishing that it wouldn’t last so he could at least have a shot with you. His hopes were crushed when Johnny had run through the fraternity declaring you were both soulmates. Taeyong had made peace with the idea that maybe he was meant to be alone, satisfied just by seeing you whenever Johnny brought you over to hang out.

He never wished for this, though.

Tenderest of touches brushed your hair away from where it had clung to your forehead. Taeyong clicking on the standing fan in an attempt to offer you some cool relief. “Trust me, ____.” He whispered, voice brittle. “I went through this.” His confession had your right eye cracking open.

“Back in the first year,” Taeyong recalled. “Watching you and Johnny go through this… it’s like a mirror. I nearly died,” He picked up your hand, engulfing it in both of his own. “I refused the operation until it was nearly too late. For the same reason, actually.”

Your fingers twitched in his own, your index finger hooking around his thumb to offer comfort. You have suspected Taeyong had some close experience with this. Especially in the way he always seemed to understand your pain, the sad gazes, and his drive to help you. You had never expected that he would be the one in your position though. The meer thought had tears welling up in your eyes. You seemed to cry a lot around the man these days.

“He didn’t die though. Apparently, he just… coughed up the root.” He lifted your hand, the ghosting feeling of his lips against your knuckles. “I promise you, Johnny won’t die… At least think about it.” To which you nodded in agreement.

Taeyong made you soup, your favorite kind. You weren’t even sure how he knew it was your favorite but he did. He parted from you with a lingering kiss to your hairline. Just like every night. This form of unrequited love seemed to of hurt him more than his last.

He’d left the forms and leaflets on the empty bed space by your feet.

You’d asked Taeyong not to come over for the last four days. As worried as he was, he had to respect your wishes. You didn’t want him to see your sudden decline as you entered the last stage of the rejection. Meaning, that Johnny had almost fallen completely out of love with you now.

You were expecting it, Taeyong too. You and Johnny had broken things off the last time you saw each other. Both of you doing so without even having to clarify the matter. He was free. Almost.

Taeyong had been stressed all week, even his frat brothers had given him a wide berth. Many put it down to the lacrosse game the pending evening. Only a select few really knew that it was because today was the same day Taeyong had scheduled for your surgery.

He hadn’t known it was the same day as the game, Jungwoo uttering the words with caution the day before. Taeyong swore to himself that he thought he booked it for next week. He didn’t even know if you were going to accept it… Any time he brought it up you tended to change the subject.

How Taeyong managed to even pass the ball with steady swings amazed even himself, his hands hadn’t stopped shaking. He had nearly skipped the game in favor of being with you, but he knew he couldn’t. The game had gone smoothly, they were winning by one. In fact, Johnny had to take the penalty shot.

The whole field waited on bated breath, all eyes on Johnny as he just stood there, his expression morphed in such a way that Taeyong exchanged a look with Jaehyun.

“Seo! Take the damn shot already!” The coach didn’t even get through his ending word before Johnny’s form curled over, knees slamming into the ground.

Taeyong rushed over as his friend tore off his helmet and spat his mouthguard to the ground. He would worry about that later. Taeyong slid to his knees beside Johnny, his own helmet crashing to the ground out of his grip.

Johnny had never felt such pain. His airways were burning. The sensation in his chest felt like all the oxygen was being torn from him. The team crowded around him, blocking anyone else's view of the scene. A choked cough left his throat, a shout of agony following after. Petals. Blood. Stems. The flower was unwinding itself, pulling at the roots from within his chest and lungs.

The team managed to maneuver Johnny back to the locker rooms, it took four of them to carry him but soon the male was slumped against the tiles of the showers. Taeyong was beside him once again. “Cough it up Johnny, you’ll do more damage if you don’t.” He tugged Johnny’s arm to sit him forward, his fist thumping down in the center of his back. “Johnny, come on!”

To say Taeyong was relieved when Johnny finally started coughing again was an understatement. “You gotta carry it on, it’ll hurt but I’ve got you.” He pleaded over the sound of his friend’s cries and chokes.

Johnny doesn’t know how long he continuously coughed for. All he knew was the last one to shake through his body finally offered him release, Taeyong tugging him away from the mangled mix of plant and blood only to rip him, Johnny, from his shock-induced state by shoving him under the freezing cold shower stream - kit and all.

A big, clear breath left him.

“What the fuck, John?” Ten peaked his head around the corner, having raced in after the team to check on his best friend.

“Dude, that's your flower.” Mark grimaced, crouched down next to the offending object.

The announcement made Johnny’s spine straighten, and Taeyong hung his head. “What does it mean?” Johnny shakily stood, pressing the button to stop the stream of cold water.

It was fascinating how Johnny already felt better. He felt no pull in his chest, no weakness even after the whole ordeal. He felt new. But if he felt like this… then what had happened to you? The realization of what had happened weighed heavy on his guilt.

He turned to address the sort of traumatized, faces around him but it wasn’t him that spoke up. It was Taeyong. “It means I need to find ____.”

Taeyong had raced past his teammates and into the locker room without any further explanation. His phone cramped between his ear and shoulder as he tugged on his sweats at record speed. “C’mon, Petal. Pick up.” He swore to himself, only removing the device from his ear to throw on a t-shirt from his locker. It was a term of endearment he had taken to calling you of late, though quite often when you were too dazed to notice.

He ignored the looks of confusion from his friends. Well, from those other than Mark and Jaehyun. From the look on Johnny’s face, he was still piecing things together. Taeyong didn’t have time for that, snatching the keys for the beat-up Honda he had gotten recently and sprinting from the room.

Taeyong continued to call you on the way to your apartment. He had just hoped you’d gotten yourself to the appointment. He didn’t want to think about the possibility of losing you like this. He found himself afraid to enter your building, scared of what he may find. His head thumped against the steering wheel, eyes burning with unshed tears. You had to be okay.

His phone buzzed, body jumped when he saw your name flash on the screen. He swiped to answer, bringing it up to his ear with a relieved sigh. “____.” He listened to your breathing for a split second, registering the steady beeps in the background.

“Is he alive?” Your tone was filled with urgency but your voice was clearer than Taeyong had heard in weeks. It had a relieved laugh bubbling from his chest, salty droplets cascading down his cheeks and leaving his tear ducts with the tension in him.

“He’s fine.” He sniffled, rubbing at his face. “ Petal, you’re okay. I tho-” You interrupted him with a soothing call of his name.

“You were right.” He listened to you pause, the sounds of you sipping through a straw present in the receiver. “There are things I do have to live for.” You spoke quietly. “The first one being myself.”

He hummed in agreement, starting up the car again. “Yeah? I’ll be there soon and you can tell me all about the second, Petal.” He was rewarded with a breathy laugh. “What?”

“Petal.” You murmured, Taeyong could hear the slumber lingering back into your tone.

“Get some rest. I’ll be there soon.” He was about to pull the phone away from his ear when you quietly called his name again.

“Yes?” He hummed, clicking the hands-free and setting the phone into the holder on the dash.

“Can I tell you my second reason?”

“What’s that, Petal?” He smiled softly to himself.

“It’s you.”

©Acescavern - I do not give permission for my works to be copied, translated or reposted

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espresseo-cafe · 6 months

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life is still beautiful | johnny | ch.1

genre: cappucino, romance, angst, university!au, dad!au, drama, slice of life

pairing: collegestudent!johnny x fem!reader

bean count: 4k

a/n: i’m so excited to be sharing this with you! it has been in the works since 2020 on and off and omg i can finally post this fanfic. this whole series has mentions of characters from different groups other than nct- red velvet, dreamcatcher, seventeen, sf9, etc to avoid confusion with people of the same name! note: this is only a work of fiction, it doesn’t reflect the artists’ personalities in any way.

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growing up, the continuous tingling feeling whenever you see your parents arguing at the end of your hallway always broke your heart. the raised voices, objects getting thrown around, and the banging of slammed doors against the doorframe deafened your ears. you remembered you had to knock on every single apartment on the floor; same, above, and below- to apologise the nuisance your parents caused. some with good hearts would understand out of pity for you, others would provoke to kick your family out of the building. so far, you’ve made it to several years without any notice from the landlord.

with that background, there weren’t any doubts that it affected the way you perceive everything in life. silence overpowered the joyous you like a large coat, it has been that way. the younger you wouldn’t understand the clash of your parents. the younger you wouldn’t know the problems they had. most importantly though, the younger you wouldn’t receive any love or support from them at all.

it was like you never existed.

as you hit the eighteenth mark, you’ve made the bold but practical decision to move out. the toxicity they emitted were too much for you to handle. with every penny or dime you’ve been saving everyday since you were twelve and some extra cash from various part time jobs since you were sixteen, you had your small carry on luggage packed and left first thing in the morning one summer. a dilemma kind of held you back whether to leave a note for your mom and dad, only deciding not to and tell them not to find you.

if there was anything you were blessed with even if you were put in a dire situation of a broken home, you had to pat yourself at the back for never failing your grades. just average and sometimes in the honorable mention’s list. thanks to that, you’ve secured a place at a university far from your family home.

and of course, choosing a location far off was more than intentional.

the first few months were a challenge, the surroundings took you sometime to familiarise. adjustment was never an issue though, running away from home was worth the change. as you expected, your parents didn’t bother to look for their only daughter. scoffing at the past, you realised it had almost been three years since you left.

making friends was easy too, to your surprise. known as the loner and depressed type in high school, you tried to change yourself a bit and managed to befriend a new crowd of people. of course, you were discerning on people who are worth to befriend, not the ones who’d waste your time. one of them being kim yoohyeon, who’s now your best friend and roommate.

“y/n, i’m going out to the store, want anything?” she asked while putting on a cardigan.

you hummed and rolled your eyes playfully, “hm, two packs of ramyeon and chips. you’re paying alright?” she threw a crumpled ball of tissue at you, gasping at the very direct response. “what? it’s two in the morning and i’m helping you pull an all-nighter for your fashion thesis due in two months and a half. i deserve a treat. be thankful i don’t have class tomorrow and that my part-time’s in the afternoon.”

“okay fine.” she dramatically slouched her shoulders down, “be back in a jiffy bub!”

as the door closed, you sighed and stretched your almost numbed body. yoohyeon’s project was half done, just needed a little more tweaking and you could say hello to a convenience store feast.

yoohyeon was the first person you met at orientation, she seemed to extract innocence at first glance. though as you got to know her, she was a meme in real life who possessed extreme talent in singing. you and her clicked, she had problems in her home but they were immediately managed. so she was all smiles from ear to ear. it was something you were envious of; to have a healthy relationship with parents, however, it wasn’t working with you at all.

sometimes you wondered how it felt like, to have someone love you like family. your aunts or uncles would message you to check on you, and whenever they brought your parents up, you shoved down the topic back to its grave. it’s dead conversation anyway. the latest update you heard from them was two years ago. they still lived in the same damned roof where they argued a lot, you wondered why they were still stuck to each other like glue. the only difference was that your dad worked the night shift while your mom on the mornings. so they probably never see each other eye to eye.

when they did though, all hell broke loose.

you were brushed off your thoughts when yoohyeon opened the door, “okay, here’s your food, time to pig out!”

“finally, i’m starving.” you had the hot water boiling before she arrived, immediately putting the ramyeon in the pot.

“so,” she started, opening a bag of potato chips.

“when are you planning to date? it’s been theee years since uni started and i’ve never seen you on dates before.”

you pressed your lips into a thin line, “not right now.”

“why not? you’re pretty, you can cook; you’re even taking an early childhood education course, specifically in special education.” she plopped one into her mouth and chewed shamelessly, “i bet you’re good with kids too.”

“so apparently that makes me an ideal girl?”

“an ideal girl worth to have!” she exclaimed, later reaching for your unlocked phone. “guess what, download this app and go have some fun.”

“if that’s tinder you’re planning on brainwashing me with, i’m not interested.” you joked, mixing the sauce and toppings with the now cooked noodles.

“you never know, it might work.” she singsonged.

you sighed, yoohyeon has been pushing you to date because she felt like you were like a hermit, always stuck in your own shell and would only go out if needed to. not that you were interested, you just wanted to get school done and make a stable living. love will come anyway.

she clicked on the app store and downloaded a trendy app named ‘love click’. “it’s an app solely made for university students within the state. kinda like tinder but you play anonymous with a made up nickname, no one will know how you look like.”

you raised a brow. “that’s dangerous than tinder, y’know?”

“this is different, they can detect fake accounts and do a facial recognition. anyway, once you put your actual photo and real age, it will automatically pair you with others similiar with yours; interests, and hobbies. then it will change your face to a random avatar if ever you do a video call.” she tapped away. “that’s how i met hwang minhyun.”

“eh, i still think it’s risky. besides, you just got lucky. you scored a hottie.” you slurped on the noodles. “i could never.”

“just try, you could always quit and they’ll never find you. and who knows? you might even receive the whole package.”

you sighed, “okay fine. i’ll do it just once, for you alright?” you finished the rest and threw the excess soup away. “i’m not doing any after that.”

“cool! all your details are in here already. let me know if someone messages you.” she gave you a playful wink before working on her project once again.

—

johnny stretched his limbs after a quick power nap, he haven’t had enough rest since he was on the clock 24/7. he turned to his side to check the time, sighing a relief when it was only 3pm. as if it was waiting for him to be awake, a text message from his mom appeared on the screen.

[ mom] : “don’t forget to eat, my dear john. you’ve got two mouths to feed ❤️”

johnny smiled at his mom’s reminder, he was relieved that the messages were reduced to a low, knowing how protective she was.

a loud thud on the floor made johnny stand on his feet and rush to the door next to his. his worried demeanor soon changed to a soft one when he saw a little smile beamed at him from the ground.

“youngmin-ah, what’re you doing on the floor? did you hurt yourself?”

the child just giggled, softening johnny’s heart every single he did so.

he remembered the night when the almost two year old came into his life. it was a rough beginning, but he managed himself and was proud how he actually did while still in school.

his friends were in full support of this unexpected scenario and would take turns in looking after the child while he worked the night shifts at a café. like any other people, his friends were in doubt at his decision of bringing him to lectures.

johnny again proved them wrong.

what surprised them wasn’t how the baby managed to be quiet in all of the classes, but how johnny effortlessly handled him if ever a fuss was made. kun recalled that in one of their exams in biology major, johnny had the baby cradled in one arm as the other wrote the quiz. the professor wanted to hold the baby boy while johnny did the exam, but young man refused to, saying that he could handle it. he wouldn’t want the baby crying in a stranger’s hold while everyone was so stressed for the exams. adding that the baby’s wails would be a distraction.

he became viral at the university page when a photo of him feeding youngmin a bottle of milk, that certain scenario made girls want him as a husband. sometimes they would stop by to say hello to him and the child.

“dada.” johnny smiled at title, the little toddler fiddling the bottle in his hand while his feet stretched up.

“seems like you’re alright.” he poked his nose, earning a giggle from the two year old. “i still have to check any injuries. say youngmin, your birthday’s coming up soon. what would you like?”

youngmin hummed, as if he understood the question clearly.

“well?”

“mama.”

johnny was caught off guard that he tickled the little toddler as he smiled. “buddy, you already have a mama though.” his phone dinged, indicating an incoming text message. “speaking of her, she just texted me.”

[ kim minji ]: sorry babe, couldn’t make it tonight for dinner. i got singing rehearsals.

[ johnny ]: it’s cool. how about tomorrow?

[ kim minji ]: i’ll see first, pretty busy.

he put his phone back into his pocket, sighing at the same excuse his girlfriend gave. he didn’t want to overthink but it had been like this for a while, he wondered if she had fallen out of love. shaking his head, he shrugged off the thought to the back of his mind.

youngmin turned his full body to the side before standing and climbed onto johnny’s kneeled figure, the bottle still in between his baby teeth. “mama, where?”

“she’s not coming home tonight. maybe some other time.” he ruffled youngmin’s soft hair, eyes closing due to exhaustion. but then the little toddler smiled and patted his cheek and johnny wrapped his arms around the little frame. “come on, let’s get you dinner, we’re having your favourite!”

“lasagna!” youngmin put arms up, and johnny could melt anytime.

“hey you said it perfectly this time! well done my so-“ he paused as his phone dinged, a snapchat notification from taeyong appeared on the screen. making the toddler tilt his head to why the young man stopped mid-sentence. “let’s go to wash your hands alright?”

while youngmin nodded then hopped away towards the bathroom, swiping to unlock his phone, a snap video that his said friend sent made his eyebrows meet in an ugly mood.

[ taeyongss ]: bro is that jiu? your mj?

it was his girlfriend giving a lap dance to someone he couldn’t seem to recognise due to the flashing lights, she was enjoying it and the shocking thing was, she wasn’t drunk at all.

kim minji, his girlfriend since senior high, had a few names labeled on her. one of them was jiu (pronounced as ji-yoo) a nickname everyone called her in school, being one of the main solos for the choir.

some of the juniors called her a pink princess because of her obsession with the said colour. owning almost everything in it.

and mj was a form of endearment that only johnny used. his expression changed from a smile to a frown, throwing his phone on the bed that it bounced off and landed on the ground; earning his phone a crack on the screen.

“dada?” youngmin peeked through the bedroom door. now it was him to hear the thudding sound. “happen?”

johnny jumped a little seeing the child standing by the door with a towel in his hands. “my phone fell. come on, let’s eat.”

lasagna was a favourite dish youngmin adored eversince he brought him to an italian restaurant. meatballs were a favourite too, but something about lasagna topped it. as youngmin was busy making his hands dirty, johnny called his mom at this hour, she was probably home by now.

“ah my love johnny! i’m glad you called, what is it?” her voice still bright and lively.

“um, i was wondering if i could drop youngmin off tonight?” he played with the fork. “taeyong messaged me and i think i need to have a drink and hang out for a bit.”

his mom’s soft laughter brought relief to his ears, “oh sure my dear, your dad and i could need some company. it’s been quiet around here since you’ve grown.”

johnny smiled at the reply, “great, we’ll be there in ten.”

“see you later.” she singsonged.

after dropping youngmin off, he made his way to the bar where his girlfriend was. everyone who met johnny knew that he could be reckless when someone crossed over the line, who knows what scene he’d make tonight?

“johnny.” taeyong called out after seeing him enter the bar, johnny walking towards the bar where his friend was stationed at. “please don’t make a scene. my boss let you off the hook the last time you broke loose.”

johnny’s eyes scanned the area, looking for mj before looking at back at taeyong. “don’t worry. i won’t. this johnny won’t do anything.”

“better keep your word. she’s by the corner over there.” taeyong pointed with his head, “she’s been here for the past three months. good thing i’m the only one from campus who has seen her. if anyone else did she’d lose her solo spot at the choir. so called ‘angel’, huh? no offense.”

“none taken, but thanks bro. see you later at the dorms.” johnny said, then he walked through partygoers, the blasting music was deafening so much he hated it.

“i know right? he’s such a sweetheart.” mj said to her friend as she patted the guy’s shoulder who she danced with earlier. “i’d love to-“

“mj.” johnny’s cold voice rung in her ears, sending shivers to her spine. what is he doing here? “i’m guessing rehearsals ended early or it never existed.”

“babe i-“

“ey johnny suh!” the guy seated next to her greeted him drunkenly, the more he looked closer in the dimmed light, his blood boiled. “haven’t seen you since you had a baby! minji has been great to me recently.”

it was his high school rival, takuya terada.

“we’ll catch up soon won’t we?” johnny said sarcastically. takuya wouldn’t know anyway, his vision probably already blurry to even comprehend a straight conversation. he looked at minji, who averted her gaze towards him as she rolled her eyes. “we need to talk, outside.”

he took her by the wrist and he didn’t care if he was hurting her. she hurt him first; for a while now actually. he just had to put up a front before he vent out when they exited the bar.

“what the hell, minji.” he threw his grip away, minji holding her wrist and tsk-ed at the attitude. “is that why you’ve been missing out lately? you were cheating on me with takuya?”

“missing out? johnny you’ve been missing out too!” she raised her voice, “i don’t know if you have noticed but it’s been straining on the both of us recently!”

“so your solution was to hang out with another guy when you could’ve voiced out to me about your feelings? mj, we’ve talked about this!” he wiped his face frustatingly. “i don’t think-“

“i don’t love you anymore, john.” she said blankly, her face didn’t emit any pain she felt, it was like she wanted it out there. “that’s why i’ve been ‘missing out’.”

“you don’t.. love me anymore?” johnny stood in shock, his voice shaking a little.

“i fell out of love. i’m sorry.. i’ve been planning to tell you but i couldn’t.” she hugged her arms. “i didn’t want to hurt you.”

“my gut feeling told me there was something up. i was hurt just thinking about it. i don’t know but somehow i knew it all along that you were out of it. i didn’t bring it up because i held onto hope and believed my guts were lying that you cheated on me.” he said, his hands rested on his hip. “turns out i was right.”

“i’m sorry.”

“save it. i’m not hurt at all. maybe i just had to come here to confirm if it were true. you can live with that guilt that you’ve broken me already before you even said anything. i’ll raise youngmin myself. we’re done.”

johnny walked away while the cold wind sliced through his cheeks. usually in a breakup, one would break down. him and minji dated since high school, and there were on and off arguments here and there. they would always make up through talking, but to be told that she was cheating on him by another person sure sucked. he’d rather find it out himself and vent out right then and there.

guess this timing was actually better. though he told minji he was broken, he was actually so much more than that. he expected to at least shed a tear, he didn’t, for youngmin’s sake. even though he felt like an elephant was lifted off his shoulders, his heart was anchored deep below.

he felt so heavy with betrayal that his heart ached so much in a way he didn’t expect.

he wanted to break down so bad.

the door swung open of his family home and youngmin screeched a high pitched tone loud enough to startle the old man beside him, who was reading a newspaper. “oh john’s back.”

“dada.” the little one ran towards him, hugging his long legs for a second before johnny picked him up. “back!”

johnny’s mood changed like a shooting star whenever youngmin’s in sight. “hey little buddy! i’m back, i had to meet a friend earlier.” he kissed his cheek, “were you good to granny bear and papa bear?”

“he was an angel, john!” his mom gave her son a quick peck on the cheek. “who knew you could raise him very well? plus singlehandly!”

“he got it from me, my dear.” his dad took the chance to say, “are your studies going well though?”

“still a dean’s lister, dad.” johnny’s ears tinted a light shade of pink.

“that, he got it from me.” his mom winked at his dad, who scoffed at the remark. “where’s minji? you haven’t brought her here for a while.” the look on johnny’s face was too readable that his mom knew in an instant.

“we broke up. she had another guy behind my back.”

the sudden snickers from his parents left him in question, were they laughing? “great ‘cause we didn’t really like her for you!”

“really?.. wait, what?” he asked in disbelief, “anyway, i broke it off and i kinda knew she was out of it already.”

“took you a while to realize it, john.” his father just sighed, “are you going to get a new one?”

“what? no.” johnny chuckled awkwardly, “anyway we’ll take our leave now.” johnny shook youngmin a little before his parents bid them a goodbye. he walked towards his car and buckled him up. “ready to go, buddy?”

“ready.” he wiped his eyes, sleep covering him very soon. “music please.”

“which one?” johnny asked as he set the rear mirror to get a good look at him, knowing well what youngmin was going to say.

“coldplay!” they said simultaneously.

“now that, you got it from me.” he laughed heartily while they made their way back to his shared apartment with taeyong, jungwoo, and kun.

the clinks of the apartment keys had the boys look up from their game on playstation. jungwoo sighing frustratedly when kun defeated him thrice in a row. “seriously? you’re cheating, kun hyung!”

kun stretched, “clearly not. you’re just a bad player.”

“could one of you dumbasses get the kimchi from the table?” taeyong shouted from the kitchen, only to be greeted with youngmin having the wanted side dish in his tiny hands. “see, youngmin just got here and he did a better job than you two!”

“it’s loud in here, damn.” johnny took his shoes off while youngmin had his phone in his hands.

kun sat on one of the couches, eating the kimchi fried rice taeyong just made. “so you met up with minji, how did the dinner go?”

taeyong nudged the younger boy, and jungwoo looked confused. johnny couldn’t blame the two, they didn’t know what actually happened. “these two lovebirds called it quits tonight.”

“what!?”

“yup.” johnny popped his lips, “takuya terada”

kun’s eyes widened, “like.. takuya from high school?”

“they suit each other anyway, the biggest flirts of ____ high.” jungwoo chewed on a kimbap. “no offense.”

“none taken, i feel relieved anyway.” he sat down spotting taeyong busy typing on his phone. “you still looking for girls on love click?”

“well yeah, someone should at least find me attractive.” he replied.

jungwoo snickered before choking on his food, “as if anyone would see your face through a filter system on the app. just what is the university thinking?”

“ha, wait until they see this handsome thing for real.” he turned to johnny, “bro you should try looking for new love, you’re in need of it right now, you know?” taeyong locked his phone to continue eating the almost midnight dinner.

“please, i’m still freshly ‘heartbroken’, don’t tempt me.” johnny rolled his eyes.

“mama.” youngmin shook the huge phone, a selfie of johnny and minji flashed the screen.

“not mama anymore.” he told him, then youngmin clicked on another app.

“mama.” he showed them the love click app; the color scheme of red and pink caught his attention. and johnny scrunched his brows, the other three smirking at each other.

“seems like he wants a new mama.” kun teased, earning a death glare from johnny. “what? that whole daddy look of yours is attractive to almost every girl in campus. just wife someone up already!”

shaking his head, he couldn’t believe the encouragement from his friend. “too soon my bros.” johnny chuckled, “maybe i’ll give it try after a few weeks or so.”

johnny sat by the bed while youngmin slept with his sausage pillow. now that he thought about it, the little boy hadn’t seen minji in months. it was obvious that he’d look for her. but what he didn’t get was that he showed love click; a dating app he didn’t remember installing.

“mama.” he recalled youngmin say.

he dimmed the lights and sat beside youngmin, patting his bottom gently as he drifted away into slumber, he too was getting sand in his eyes. he pressed his lips into a thin line, halfheartedly created an account just in case he really needed it.

“this is stupid.”

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

taglist: @titanmaknae29 @joepomonerof @lovesuhng @studyingthemind @cheyehc

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bbobpul · 2 months

Text

stranded on the same ground — j. suh

NOTE. hey sorry for ghosting (again...) PAIRING. johnny suh x fem reader GENRE. hurt/comfort, angst SYNOPSIS. the entire process of getting over your ex, johnny suh (and meeting each other again) WARNINGS. profanity, mention of alcohol W/C. 4.8k

(⁠人⁠*⁠´⁠∀⁠｀⁠)⁠｡⁠*ﾟ⁠+ masterlist.

The morning of your breakup with your first-ever boyfriend isn’t as awful as you expected. Life went on like it usually does. Blinded by anger, you wished for your ex to have the most terrible, annoying, and awful day ahead and all the other days that followed. Call it childish, if you may. Call it a little bit immature when I say the two of you didn’t really end on bad terms. Your only worry after you parted ways was, ‘How could he fumble so badly? ’. You didn’t cry the morning after your breakup with Johnny Suh, but you did on a random Tuesday night when you saw the sticker he put on your tumbler. You cried again the following week when you found yourself walking on the same route you would always take with him on the way to the terminal when both of you had enough time before heading to work.

It truly is the little details that bring you to tears. Not the broken promises and the plans you made together that you will never fulfill because you are used to those things, unfortunately, because you weren’t really that loved when you were younger, which is sad, and now that the only person that showed you affection is gone for the sole reason that ‘the two of you need more space to grow and move forward’.

It’s all bullshit. And you hope he thinks the same.

You hope he feels the same. You hope that every day he wakes up, he reaches his arm to the other side of the bed and realizes that you no longer lay beside him. You hope that every time he prepares the table, he gets two spoons and then realizes that he has to eat alone and not have anyone to talk about absurd things during breakfast, lunch, and dinner, which leaves him no choice but to watch stuff on his phone. On top of that, you wish that his WI-FI doesn’t work, so he will be bored to death.

You sat at the lonely six-seater dining table so early in the morning. It’s been three months since you broke up with Johnny, and really, you don’t feel anything right now other than the desire to make this day as productive as possible, and you seem to be on a really great start.

You woke up at 5 a.m. in the morning to go on a morning jog, and when you reached your desired time, you decided to stop by the bakery to grab yourself some pandesal. When you got home, it was almost 7, and you decided to use your espresso machine that has been sitting in your kitchen, praying to be used. The fact that today was your first time using it was very evident because you had to get a chair to get it from the highest counter, and the box that it came in is now covered with dust. And then it hit you.

That coffee maker was a gift from Johnny. No, you’re not going to cry. You wouldn’t let that little piece of equipment ruin your day. Even if it was an anniversary gift. Even if you know damn well, he saved up most of his salary to buy you that. And now you’re on the verge of tears as you remember the fact that you didn’t even get to thank him properly because that was also the day you broke up with him.

And now! Another! Day! Ruined! Thanks, Johnny Suh.

In the end, you decided to drink instant coffee.

You heaved a sigh, trying to contain yourself. No! You wouldn’t let that happen. He should be the one crying over this espresso machine because it’s so expensive. Hell, he knows you don’t even drink coffee. He bought this for himself and gave it to you, and now he can’t even take it back because you are no longer together. Ha! Take that, Johnny Suh.

But then again, Johnny Suh is rich as hell so he won’t be crying over a gift for his ex.

Moving on (something you obviously can’t do), your work as an architectural designer starts at 9 a.m., and for some weird reason, you wanted to look your best when going to work. After all, you are going to meet tons of clients (and you are running for senior architect, so obviously you gotta do a bit of sucking up to your superiors because you! need! the! money!).

So with your desire to get promoted and get more money, you decided to go to work an hour early.

God forbid nothing cliche happens when you are at work, like meeting your ex and having him as your client, because if your memory doesn’t fail you, my goodness, Johnny Suh talked about wanting to have his own house by the end of this year!

“Architect, meet Sir Johnny Suh.” You are fucked. Seeing him again was one of the scenarios you made on your way to work today, and you blame your mind for being imaginative to the point of manifesting him right in front of you.

“I’ll be assigning you this project because this is a great opportunity for you to grow and improve.” Sounds familiar. Maybe because that’s what you told Johnny when you broke up with him. “I believe you are responsible enough to lead your own team, and this is your chance to demonstrate your skills,” your superior told you. It wasn’t very clear on your end because your ex is just a few feet away from you.

“Thank you, ma’am. I will do my best,” was all you could say. Your boss then left you alone with... him.

You stood there in shock, but you tried your best not to express it with your face, mainly because you didn’t want him to think that he still had an effect on you. You didn’t want him to think that his showing up at your workplace so early in the morning three months after your break up still has an effect on you.

You thank the universe that some of your colleagues are late because if they were here, they would make fun of you until the sun sets. After all, they were the ones you drank with until your heartaches ended.

You looked at him and saw him looking at the displays in your work. You realized that this was his first time here. Throughout the course of your 7-year relationship, he never insisted on visiting, or maybe you just didn’t let him.

‘He looks.. well.’ You thought to yourself, and you don’t know why there was a hint of disappointment laced in the crevices of your brain. Could it be because he looks like he is doing a lot better than you or because he looks like he is doing a lot better without you?

There he is, still standing tall, and here you are with all of your fears coming back to your system. The fear that led you to end everything, despite everything being good, If the reason you gave him that night wasn’t really clear on his part, it wasn’t clear to you either. After all, your mind was clouded with your low self-esteem, but it was a lot more than that. It was too much for you to take, and you just didn’t want to burden him anymore. He has a book of plans, and yours was paper thin due to your uncertainties. But is that even important now that everything is done?

You cleared your throat in an attempt to get his attention. “Let’s head to the conference room.” Putting your ex aside, this is a great opportunity for you to get promoted. You haven’t seen the project proposed by your client, but this is your chance to get the salary you deserve and your own office. After countless nights of working overtime and overextending yourself, it will all soon be worth it. You hoped.

Johnny Suh won’t ruin this chance.

You didn’t let the awkward walk to the conference destroy the harmony and creativity you could offer for this project, and the moment you sat on one of the chairs in the conference room, you didn’t waste any second asking, “What are your goals and objectives for this project? ”

Your immediate question didn’t surprise Johnny. You are the type of person who is very driven. And he knows that. Very well.

“I would want a space that is aesthetically pleasing and functional.” His answer exuded a lot of professionalism. Something you hope he maintains until the end of this project.”

“And what is the budget for this project?”

“As long as we don’t exceed tens of millions, though I don’t mind not staying within the budget only if it is very essential for the house.”

‘Tens of millions. He really has a lot of money, huh? ’ You thought. You look at the mood board on the folder handed to you by your boss, and right there you understand why he needed that much money. It’s almost a mansion!

‘Why does he need a house this big? ’ You asked yourself. Maybe it’s for his family. He always mentioned wanting to build a house for his mom and dad so they would live closer to them and not experience the hassle of buying expensive tickets and tiring flights.

After more questions, you almost forgot that you were working with your ex. Maybe you don’t really care anymore. Maybe you didn’t care that he was starting to turn one of his plans into reality. A house? Such a big step into your 30s. While you go home every day to a small apartment that has been opening its doors for your big problems, Maybe in those three months, he already found the path while you were still navigating the route towards it.

You looked at his back as he stepped out of the room. A view you are strangely familiar with. Even if the results of your decision still haven't caught up to your life, change is very different in Johnny Suh. Change looks good on him.

You let out a small laugh when you remember the number of times you wished the worst for him. Turns out he is doing a lot better now that you are gone from his life. Aside from that, he didn’t sound affected at all. It’s just you who is still stranded on the same ground.

But there is something you can’t deny. Not blinded by anger anymore. You are really proud of him.

After the meeting, you gathered your team. You hired an engineer and an assistant. You also consulted a group of construction workers willing to work on the project. It's the productive day you wished for.

As the day came to an end, you received a text message from him.

Please be at the groundbreaking ceremony. It’s nothing big but it would be nice to have you there.

The message read. As much as you didn’t want to go, he is still your client and you need to, for the harmony of the team.

I will be there. You typed on your phone as you waited for a cab to stop in front of you. This is the closure you needed. This is the closure you need to move on from your paper-thin plans and actually move forward with real, concrete plans. It doesn’t matter if you are navigating the route alone; as long as you know, when you walk towards the path you promised him, you will carry no regrets. You will know that it was for the better.

The 20 minutes you spent inside the taxi were more excruciating than that random Tuesday night when you first cried over the two of you. It’s bittersweet in the sense that you no longer feel angry about your own choices and feel sad because you have come to the realization that you no longer have the right to pry into his choices. He wants to build a house. Good for him. He specifically asked for you to design his house. Fucking great. It totally doesn’t feel like he is doing this to make you feel bad. But knowing Johnny, he is not the type of person to hold a grudge. If he loved you in the past, then he has no reason to hate you in the future, despite not being a part of it anymore.

And the day of the groundbreaking ceremony came quickly. You wore your best clothes to look as presentable as possible, and as expected, the moment you stepped foot onto the site, the cool breeze was the first one to welcome you. The 500-square-meter lot was surrounded by trees inside a gated community. It's a very secluded area. You wouldn't expect this to be in the middle of the city. The walls and trees hovering over the houses are enough to muffle the noises from the highway.

"Hey there, it's good to see you," Johnny greeted you warmly, his smile stretching wide across his face. You reciprocated with an equally warm smile. Despite only seven simple words passing between you, the air seemed to thicken with emotions, leaving you momentarily breathless. Johnny's presence was striking, a stark contrast to the person you had parted ways with three months prior.

"Ah, well, I couldn't possibly leave a client hanging," you replied with a light chuckle, trying to shake off the sudden intensity of the moment. You blamed your tardiness on traffic, a common excuse but one that felt feeble in this instance.

Johnny's laugh was soft and understanding. "No worries, I completely understand," he reassured you.

The exchange hung in the air, followed by a brief but poignant silence. It was as though the unspoken weight of the time apart and the changes that had occurred in both of your lives weighed heavily in the space between you, mingling with the anticipation of what was to come.

"Hey, are you feeling hungry at all? There's a sandwich over there if you're in the mood. Oh, and by the way, Engineer Lee is currently in the tent."

“Not really, I will just take a look around the lot. Thanks”

The ceremony started earlier than originally planned. You stood at the back with your friend Ten, who is also the engineer you hired for this project. You watched Johnny with his parents, holding a golden shovel, marking the ground as the start of the construction process. Materials are all set, and the design is already settled. The workers will be present on the site tomorrow, and they will start working on the foundation of the house.

You let out a sigh of relief when Johnny’s parents didn’t notice you at the ceremony. Maybe it’s because of the new haircut, or you really just didn’t want to be seen. But that really is inevitable when Johnny and his family are inviting the entire team for dinner at their house. And Ten has been pushing you to at least say hi to them. After all, the family didn’t do anything wrong to you.

“Just go to them and say hi!” He said as he slightly pushed you towards them. Your eyes were glued to the family. They were laughing, and his mother looked very happy as she fixed her son’s hair. You are used to seeing them like this. They were like your second parents at the end of the day.

You mustered your courage and walked towards them. You don’t know why you are so nervous about greeting them when they’ve only given you nothing but love.

“Hi, auntie, uncle.” You greeted them with a genuine smile plastered on your face. They turned to look at you in surprise.

“Oh my goodness, honey. You didn’t tell me that the best architect in town will be in charge of the house,” his mother said before engulfing you in a hug. You wrapped your arms around the older lady and laughed in response. You exchanged eye contact with his father before smiling and nodding at him, and after that, your gaze fell on Johnny, who was looking at the both of you with emotions whirling around his face—something you cannot quite paint. He was smiling, but his eyes looked very different. You brushed it off with the reason that you guys haven’t seen each other for months. What rights do you have to dictate the emotions in his eyes?

“How have you been, darling?” His mother asked you with so much gentleness laced in her voice. Her eyes scanned every part of your face.

“I am doing great, auntie. How are you?”

“Well, I am really thrilled for our new house! And to have you design our home, ugh, it’s like a dream come true.” She said, and you gave her a small smile. “I saw how much you worked hard to get where you are right now, and I am so proud to see how far you’ve come.” She continued as you both slowly walked away from Johnny and her husband.

You could only hum in response. Overwhelmed by the love and appreciation she is showering you with. You looked at your hand; she was squeezing so tightly, and you realized that the moment you lost Johnny, you also lost the mother who has showered you with love ever since.

"Listen, I know whatever happened between you and my son is no longer my place to pry into, but I just want to ask you to try and settle things. I understand he can be a bit stubborn, but if you two can't reconcile romantically, at least try to maintain a friendship," she said unexpectedly, catching you off guard with the sudden turn in conversation. You gazed at her, unsure of where she was leading with this.

"You're the one who understands him better than anyone else, who knows the deepest corners of his heart. It'll be difficult for him to find someone else like you," she continued, her words carrying a weight of sincerity as she held your gaze. "He loves you dearly, my dear."

"I loved him too, auntie. But sometimes parting ways is for the best. I hope you can understand that," you replied softly, feeling a mix of gratitude and sadness.

"You know I'll always understand," she reassured you, her tone gentle and understanding.

"Thank you for everything, and for trusting me with this house," you expressed your gratitude sincerely.

"Honey, trust me when I say it was all him. He trusted you with this house," she replied warmly.

Dinner with the future house owners came and went and now it was time for goodbyes. There wasn’t much talk while you were eating. You were just enjoying the switching conversations in your surroundings. You would answer when they asked you questions but you don’t actively participate in the discussion.

"Thank you for dining with us, Engineer Lee, and honey," Mrs. Suh addressed both of you with a warm smile. "Thank you so much for coming."

"It's my absolute pleasure, auntie. Thank you so much for having me," you responded with genuine gratitude, your smile reflecting the warmth of the evening.

"I'll get going, ma'am, sir," Ten interjected, offering to drive you home. You glanced at him, mustering a condescending smile, and mouthed, 'I can handle myself.'

"You sure?" he persisted, concern evident in his voice.

"Yep, don't worry," you reassured him.

"Okay. Bye, everyone. Thank you so much for this amazing night," Ten bid farewell, expressing his gratitude to the gathered company before making his exit.

"Uh, I can drive you home," Johnny offered as Ten's car exited the gate.

"Oh, no, no nee—" you began to decline, but Mrs. Suh intervened.

"Yes! Yes, drive her home. You commute, right? You know it's dangerous for you to commute, especially late at night. So yeah, take her home, Johnny," she insisted, her concern for your safety overriding any objections you might have had.

You can never, and I mean never, decline any offer from Mrs. Suh. She has always been persistent, and that is one of her charms. Something Johnny didn’t get from his mom. You can never say no to her, not in the way that she will get mad or upset if you decline; she is just so good at it.

You took a deep breath and let out a smile, “Okay.”

And there you were, in your ex’s car, three months after your breakup.

It was like your throat was dry because of the coldness inside the car. You couldn’t bring yourself to utter a word, and the same thing goes for the man driving. The route to your apartment is something you have memorized so well, and now it is mixed with the familiar, clean scent of his car and the feeling of relief that you are going home with the person who was once the love of your life. It’s very familiar.

Because it was all you lived for in those seven years.

You worked your best because the thought of going home with him and telling him about your day is what you lived for all those years. You worked your best because you wanted the best for the both of you without knowing it’s what would break the two of you. Maybe it was the overwhelming amount of socialization you did earlier, but now you could admit that you were insecure. You were insecure about him having so many plans and being so sure of his future with you while you worked tirelessly at a job you were not sure deserved you. You wanted the best for him, and you just didn’t have the capability to be the best for him. You wanted more for yourself because he made you feel small. Not intentionally on his side. You can now admit that it’s totally your problem. He never did anything wrong. You just think he is too good for you. And you wouldn’t let him have a future with someone like you.

You wouldn’t want him to live in a future that is uncertain.

“Engineer Lee mentioned something about paint and tile picking tomorrow for the interior.” He took the upper hand and broke the silence. You looked at him and nodded your head.

“Yeah, uhm, you can tag along if you want.” You regret saying that. Why did you immediately assume he wanted to come with you?

“I was going to ask about that. Okay, I will go tomorrow.” He responded, and then silence hit the both of you for the nth time.

Friday, rush hour, everyone desperate to go home, and you were one of them.

You wish Johnny would just drive faster so he wouldn’t have to sit in the painful silence, but the traffic wouldn’t let him.

You made a concerted effort to keep your gaze away from him, determined not to let your neck betray your curiosity. Despite your best efforts, fate seemed to have other plans, and against your will, your muscles betrayed you, turning your head to face him. To your surprise, you found him already looking at you, his gaze meeting yours in a brief moment before both of you looked away at the same time.

You want him to ask if you are doing well. You want him to ask how you’ve been in those times you weren’t together. You want to see him desperately get to know you again in those times he missed your presence. You want him to ask, or at least say something. You want him to initiate a conversation. You want to know if he still cares about the choices you’ve been making. You want him to ask about the little things happening in your life, just like before.

But he didn’t.

Until you reached your building, he didn’t ask anything.

From days to weeks, until it became months of working together, nothing much happened. Totally not that closure your foolish ass expected. Honestly, why were you even expecting anything? Now that months have passed and it’s been a year since you ended everything, I don’t know why you are still expecting anything when you don’t even know what you want to happen.

Sure, he would casually talk to you when he’d drive to the site to visit. Sure, he would buy you breakfast or lunch, but you are not the only one. You are working for him, and he is paying you. He wants you to do a great job, and of course he would treat you well. Sure, he would still invite you to dinner with his family, but he would also invite Engineer Lee.

On the other hand, Johnny has been making extra efforts to make you comfortable after that night. Not expecting anything in return, maybe his mother was right. A little effort will make a friendship between the two of you blossom. After all, it’s a very essential thing when you are working together. But he can’t help but notice that after that night on the road with you, you were being a little more cautious than usual. As if you were walking on eggshells around him. He understands that you feel sorry for what happened, but he isn’t the type of person to dwell in the past now that you are still here in the present.

You have been very ignorant of the fact that he is trying to mend things between the two of you, and now that the project has almost come to an end, with Johnny seeing you as oblivious to his efforts, maybe he should try a bit harder.

If only you knew. If only the both of you knew how much you hoped something would happen that night when he drove you home. If only one of you asked something. But let us not dwell on what could have been; you are here, and this is the last day of construction. They are only installing the lights outside and painting the exterior walls.

Like many other nights before, no one took the initiative. As always. The two of you might be so used to it by now.

The housewarming event came up next, and both of you knew this was your last chance. This marks the end of the project and the opportunity to mend the broken hearts you left each other with.

After working hard for years, you finally got the promotion you wanted. You proved yourself with a project they assigned you, and he was somehow involved too. But all the credit goes to you. You worked really hard to find the best supplier and design the house they wanted.

You've accomplished the first and final wish you made for him. Now, you don't owe him anything anymore. You designed his first house and have become a better version of yourself in the process. Perhaps that was the closure you needed—not just with him, but with yourself too.

And you were fine with just that. You didn’t want to expect anything anymore.

You made sure to greet all the people you worked with throughout this project, and you didn’t forget to express your gratitude to the team that supported you and showed patience every step of the way.

As you socialize with more people, Johnny, who has been observing you the entire time, has a genuine smile on his face. ‘Change looks good on you,’ he said to himself. He can’t help but be proud. He doesn't have any reason not to. You look the happiest right now, and as someone who knows all your dreams, this is a check in the box among many others.

He made the right decision by picking you as his architect. Other than being good at what you do, he saw this project as an opportunity for you to really get what you want, and the reason why you ended things with him was growth. He knows how much you need that push in your life. He knows how much you need something to happen in your life. Even if it means losing you. Even if it means not being with you every step of the way, He is happy for you and the change you made in that one year.

Amidst the bustling crowd, you locked eyes with him and offered a smile, prompting him to raise his champagne glass in acknowledgment. With purpose, you made your way through the gathering until you stood beside him on the balcony of the freshly constructed house, both admiring the view of the garden below.

For several moments, silence enveloped you both, the weight of unspoken words hanging in the air.

"Thank you for your brilliance, architect," he finally said, breaking the silence.

"It's my pleasure," you responded, the words carrying a sense of fulfillment.

"As an extra payment, can I take you out to lunch tomorrow?" His offer brimmed with confidence, breaking the quietude with a hint of anticipation.

“How could I ever say no to that, Mr. Suh? ”

#Spotify #johnny suh x reader #johnny suh x you #johnny suh imagines #johnny suh fluff #johnny suh angst #nct 127 x y/n #nct 127 x reader #nct 127 angst #nct 127 imagines #nct imagines #nct fluff #nct scenarios #johnny suh scenarios

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peanutpinet · 1 year

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I Got You | Mafia! Johnny Suh x Undercover Agent Fem Reader

Pairing: Mafia Johnny Suh x Undercover Fem Reader

Warnings: mention of torture/abuse, strong language, illegal activities, slight angst, minor character death, cursing (?)

A/N: hello everyone!! I live, don't fret :) I know it's been a while since I wrote a fic and this is actually my first mafia Johnny fic. After so long of wanting to write a mafia Johnny T^T Was heavily inspired by my dream that I had of Johnny ehehehe. Also, special thanks to @anya-writes-stuff for helping me figure out the plot 🥹🫶

Synopsis: you had always thought that you were working for the right people for the right purpose but it was all just a big act, making you realise that the right person was the one that you had to leave after an incident

Slight inspiration from the K-drama: My Name :)

Never in your life did you think that you had to be running from people who were said to “protect” the regular citizens from all the human trafficking, drug dealers, slavery or even mafias and yakuzas..

You had always played the good role of bringing justice to all the wrongdoings. Corruption, drug dealing, illegal clubs, brothels to even mafia leaders. One by one, you managed to take down and bring justice.

However, what you failed to notice was the agency that you were brought in to take down all these injustice actions. At first, you were too focused on building yourself to be able to take down all those crimes that you failed to know how your agency was able to keep standing.

Years later you finally find out how did your agency manage to gain the amount of money to sustain itself and even earn much more with every criminal behind bars. They didn’t just get the money for sending the criminals to jail. Heck, the majority of these criminals didn’t even end up in jail with how the government allows the agency do as they please as long as the criminals are out of the picture, especially during times like elections.

Upon looking up on the next target of the agency did you find out the full plan that they always have been using. They take down the target from the inside out, pretending as if the criminal is being taken to court to get the official punishment but somehow between those time, there was always news about the criminal being found dead before the trial, hence all the money that they earn were “returned to the victims” when in reality, the whole set up was from the agency and the whole “giving the money back to the victims” were just a lie because the agency took more than half of the money for themselves.

At first, you didn’t want to believe it until you were assigned to be the main leader for the next mission, targeting the CEO of a media company who just happens to be your high school lover, your childhood best friend, Johnny Suh.

Johnny Suh was a name that everyone in Chicago knew. He wasn’t just known as the hot young rich bachelor who just happens to be the CEO of an entire media company. But rumour has it that he was one of the big bosses of a worldwide mafia that somehow managed to spread throughout China, South Korea, Japan, Canada, Thailand and even in the US.

Both you and Johnny have a long history. The two of you became friends the day you suddenly moved next door to Johnny’s house in Chicago. You were practically doubted as peanut butter and jam back during junior high up until high school.

Unfortunately, it was during high school that you encountered the most painful moment in your life that made you join the agency in the first place. When your parents were killed by a group of drug dealers. And while Johnny and his family were more than willing to take you in, before they could officially be your guardian, you were already taken in by the agency, not even bidding Johnny or his family goodbye.

Ever since, you lost contact with Johnny, his family and your old friends. You weren’t so much close with your relatives as they all lived in different countries and by the time the news of your parents reached them, you had already had a change in identity and was nowhere to be found.

The one time you and Johnny had an encounter after the incident was actually in a club sometime after a dinner event. You had just arrived after getting news that a mafia and his friends were ambushed and some might got injured so you were told to find them. But what you weren’t expecting was to find Johnny, your childhood best friend, clutching onto his right hip.

You weren’t sure if Johnny got involved in the ambush. Perhaps he was the one that made the ambush in the first place and got shot. But the other part of your brain told you that he could be the mafia that your agency was looking for. Either way, you wanted to know the answer from Johnny himself and not anyone else.

That is why that day, you told your team that you didn’t find anyone and just some drunken man in the bathroom, quickly wrapping things up from the club. Concluding that the mafia must’ve called backup the second the ambush happened. When in reality, you actually helped them escape; even if you did it just to meet Johnny again on your terms.

Unfortunately, here you are, years later, finally finding out the truth about your agency and Johnny. However, you didn’t know what got to you when your agency confronted you about refusing to be the leader of the mission to take Johnny down. Maybe it was because of the fact that you found the truth of your agency or the idea that you wanted the truth from Johnny as a friend, not as a foe.

You didn’t know how you manage to survive through all the torture they put you through or even how you managed to escape. But one thing was for sure, you weren’t going to let them get to Johnny first. Not when he is the last person you have left. The last person you could trust. Even if you don’t really fully know him as well as you thought. You had to find him and warn him on what you know.

Lucky for you, Johnny was known more as a CEO so you easily found the company that he runs and somehow, managed to sneak past everyone and made your way to try and find Johnny’s office.

However, you didn’t realise that you were actually being followed by the people of your agency. Fortunately, before they could get to you, Johnny himself found you first; especially when his secretary told him that someone by the initial (Y/N) was looking for him. The second he heard your original name, he knew something was off. In fact, ever since your sudden disappearance, Johnny has never stopped looking for you. Even when he became the CEO, taking over his parents’ company.

The night you saved him, Johnny swore that he would never have you leave his sight ever again. Even when he was being treated, he had every tech person in NCT Mafia to find you and honestly, he was quite shocked to find out that you were working for that damn corrupted agency.

“Bringing people to justice, my ass. All they do is look like a hero but is pretty much just as corrupted as everyone else” Johnny scoffed when he found out

Even so, Johnny was sure that with enough convincing, you would leave the agency and he could finally have you in his arms, safe and loved, just as he always wanted ever since the incident. What he wasn’t expecting was for you to come to him because he was just about ready to find you and convince you; even if he had to beg for it.

Multiple thoughts were running through Johnny’s mind with every step he took to finally see you again. He only hoped that you’ve been well and holding on until he could get you. But as he walked past within the building his family owns, he noticed that there were several unfamiliar faces. Without thinking twice, he called for security to “handle” the situation and “show” how they do things around here.

Once that’s done, Johnny finally managed to find you. Though, in a state that he never wanted to see. Not before the incident, not now, not ever. Without warning, Johnny crept up behind you, his steps startling you that had you backed up against his desk. Noticing your trembling self, Johnny was reminded of the time where you had to deal with everything yourself. No. Johnny promise himself, his parents and your parents that he would take care of you.

Letting out a sigh, Johnny closed and locked the office door and gently made his way to where you were. Making sure to shake off his cold demeanour, reminding himself that you did nothing wrong and clearly, looking at the bruises and cuts all over your body, it was clear that you were “manipulated” in that agency.

“Hey. It’s been a while, hasn’t it” Johnny tried to break the silence, his voice coming out rougher than he’d like

“Yeah. It has. H-how have you been?” you stuttered but managed to ask him back, bringing a soft smile on his face

“I’ve been good. As much as I’d like to take it slow, I didn’t get to thank you for that time. You saved me, you know” Johnny let out, finally standing in front of you. Even after what happened to you, your eyes still had that spark that Johnny loved

“Oh. That time…I knew that you had your reasons. Even if I didn’t know them” you told him, your hands were shaking as they gripped the edge of his desk

“I’ve missed you. My parents too. I never once stopped looking for you, you know. I was so confused about how you just went under the radar. Well, until that night of course. Ever since, I, I actually tried to keep an eye on you. I actually wanted to get you. I really didn’t expect you to come and find me first” Johnny mentioned, both his hands were either side of your hips, rubbing them gently, bringing comfort instead of the constant fear all this time; actually feeling like home

“I, I wanted to warn you…” you whispered out but Johnny suddenly lifted you to sit on his desk while one of his hands cupped your cheek, caressing it and making you look at him

“I know. I had my friends dig up everything. I had known about your agency right when I started to take over the company. When I found out that you were part of that agency, I had mixed feelings. I was so damn sure that you were manipulated into joining them but I know that you wouldn’t hurt me. I trust you and I was right. You saved me even with the mixed thoughts” Johnny explained, gently kissing your forehead

“Johnny…” you called to him. “Hmm?”

“Aren’t you disappointed? How are you calm and not angry about what happened?” you asked, almost frustrated

“How can I? You’ve been through hell and worse. I would never get angry with you. You had your reasons. Are you scared of me?” Johnny asked, now cupping both your cheeks

“How can I be scared of you? You were there for me, always” you replied with no hesitation, making Johnny smile even wider

“Even if I’m part of the mafia?” Johnny asked, still unsure

“You have your reasons, Suh. Plus, a hero would "sacrifice" someone like me for people whereas you would burn the bad people for me. And like I’ve said, I know you wouldn’t hurt me, right?” you asked back, now you were the one that was unsure

“Never. I always got you. And you're right. I would kill anyone who harmed you, who ever has hurt you or even thought the wrong things about you. Plus, I’m never letting you go. Ever” Johnny stated, making you smile for the first time in a long time

Without even thinking, you wrapped your hands around Johnny’s neck, softly pulling him towards you but before you could continue, Johnny asked first. “Are you sure? Shouldn’t we get you treated first?”. Gosh, how can someone that looked cold is an actual warm bear? Without thinking, you pulled Johnny and kissed him which felt warm and like home. Johnny was your home and just like a home, he would be there for you, to provide you comfort, warmth, protection and most importantly, make you feel loved.

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jungwnies · 1 year

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syn ' there's no fixing something so broken pairing ' fem!reader x bf!johnny

it was so good until it wasn't. it was so sweet until it turned bitter. it was so comforting, until it hurt.

the room you stood in with a lawyer besides you, and a judge in front of you felt unreal. you never would've thought you'd be going against someone you loved so deeply.

someone you thought would never hurt you.

(flashback)

you checked your voicemail, "i left some papers on the kitchen table, don't wait for me tonight, i won't be coming home." is what the voice on the other end of the line said.

the second you stepped into your home, you saw the papers enclosed in a big yellow envelope. divorce papers.

you're heart shattered, but you weren't surprised. in fact, you even laughed.

time was always a measurement of your relationship and it finally ran out.

so you signed the papers, not thinking anything of them. if it wasn't now, then it would've been later.

(present)

it hasn't started, the judge was preparing, walking in and out, and our lawyer was preparing papers.

you walk up to johnny and greet him, "long time no see."

johnny looks at you with a blank stare, "please don't look at me with so much resentment."

"why? i can't be upset that the person i love is finally leaving?" you challenge with a scoff.

"don't pretend like you haven't imagined your life without me." johnny argues, laughing.

you laugh, "after not seeing you for so long i thought i'd be sad, but honestly seeing your face makes me want to die." you look at johnny and shake your head, "and to think how much you made me miserable and i still loved you.”

"you know i loved you too." johnny tells you, "i still do."

"you left like i was never a reason to stay." you tell him sadly. "i didn’t realise i was such an inconvenience."

johnny swallows, "i don’t see the same person i loved when i look at you anymore."

you look him up and down, "neither do i."

"y/n i'm hurting too." johnny lamented.

"i hope we never have to see each other again." you tell him walking away.

2022 © jungwnies

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ligayangdala · 11 months

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📣 JOHNNY SUH. angst | non-idol!au

✍️ written in taglish | ⚠️ separated parents, child experiencing doubts, profanities | 📅 posted on june 12, 2023 | may be triggering for others, please read at your own risk. | 📨 requested by an anon huehue pasensya na agad kung angst ang unang lapag ngayong buwan, matagal na to naka-tengga sa drafts kaya sorry anon :< specifically ni-request 'to as mini-series pero let us know what you guys think!

🎧 LISTEN: glimpse of us by joji

“MOMMY, SAAN NA PO SI DADDY?”

tanong ng 5-year-old mong anak na si eleanor–ellie kung tawagin niyo ni johnny. “i’ve been waiting for him since kanina pa po, where is he?”

napabuntong hininga ka at tumigil sa pagtatype. ang hirap balansehin ng pagiging boss at nanay minsan, pero wala kang magagawa dahil pinili mo rin naman ‘to at kailangan mong gampanan ang parehong trabaho. tinext mo na si johnny kanina, mag-iisang oras na rin simula nung nagreply siya na malapit na siya at dalawang oras simula nung sinabi niyang nakalapag na ang eroplano niya. hindi naman ganun kalayo ang tinitirhan niyang apartment, pero busy rin kasi ito madalas.

umupo ka sa tabi ni ellie, sinuklay ang buhok nito para kumalma ng kaunti ang bata. “he’s on his way na daw, baby eh. onting wait na lang, okay? dadating rin si daddy mo.” sabi mo sakanya at niyakap siya ng mahigpit, “ellie, one month mo ring hindi nakita si daddy mo because he’s on a business trip. promise, anak, onting wait na lang at dadating rin si daddy.”

“does… does he not love me anymore, mommy?”

it broke your heart seeing your only daughter this way, wala ka namang magawa dahil hindi mo kontrolado ang schedule ni johnny at ang takbo ng buhay nito. naiinis ka kasi ang bata bata pa ni ellie para mag-isip ng ganito at napapaisip ka na sobrang naapektuhan ang bata sa sitwasyon niyo ng tatay niya.

“ellie, love na love ka ni daddy. pati ako, love na love ka. please don’t think na we don’t love you because we’re busy most of the time. busy si mommy and daddy because nagwowork kami para mabili namin yung needs and wants mo, anak.” paliwanag mo kay ellie, “okay, how about… pagbalik mo from daddy’s place, alis tayo. tayong dalawa lang, girls day? what do you think?”

ellie sniffed and nodded her head, “...okay mommy.”

“baby, please don’t cry na. i promise, dadating na si daddy soon.”

ilang minuto mo ring yakap-yakap ang anak mo, hindi mo na napansin na nakatulog na siya kaya inayos mo ang pwesto niya sa sofa at kinumutan. eleanor suh looks exactly like her mother, sa korte ng labi at ilong, sa hulma ng mukha… ikaw na ikaw eh. hindi mo mahanap-hanap kung nasaan ang features ni johnny sa mukha ni ellie dahil carbon copy talaga mo talaga ang bata. kung ipagdidikit ang baby pictures niyon dalawa, alam mong sayo nagmana ang bata. nagtanim ka ng halik sa noo ni ellie bago bumalik sa kusina kung saan ang laptop mo at nagumpisa na ulit magtrabaho.

ilang oras ang lumipas, lumbog na ang araw at napalitan na ng dilim ang liwanag sa labas–wala pa rin si johnny. hindi mo alam kung nasaan siya, ni hindi nga siya makapag-reply sa messages mo ngayon. when ellie woke up, nagpalit na lang siya ng ibang damit na pambahay. excited pa naman siyang ipakita ang bago niyang damit sa tatay niya dahil alam niyang matutuwa si johnny kapag nakita niya ito. pagkatapos ng trabaho mo, nagluto ka at sabay kayong kumain ni ellie–hanggang sa nakapagtoothbrush at ready na matulog ulit ang anak mo, hindi dumating si johnny.

pabalik ka na sana sa kwarto mo pagkatapos mong maglinis ng pinagkainan niyo, nung narinig mong tumunog ang doorbell. alam mong si johnny na yun dahil sa sunod sunod nitong pag tunog. napabuntong hininga ka nalang at pumunta sa may pinto, huminga ng malalim bago ito buksan.

“i’m sorry,” sabi niya, “asan siya? galit ba?”

“ewan ko, johnny. hindi ko alam kung galit ba si ellie sayo.” sagot mo, umisod ka ng kaunti para makapasok siya sa loob. “tulog na si ellie, she was really excited to see you earlier pero she got her hopes a little too high and you’ve disappointed her. again.”

this wasn’t the first time that this happened, few times na nga. hindi mo na maiwasang hindi makaramdam ng galit.

“it’s not my fault that my meetings got extended. alam mo bang pagkalapag na pagkalapag ng eroplano ko akala ko didiretso na ako dito? hindi, kasi biglaan na namang niliko ng driver ko yung sasakyan papuntang opisina.” galit na sabi nito, siniringan mo na lang si johnny at naglakad papunta sa kwarto ni ellie.

“wag ka sakin mag-explain, johnny. hindi ako ang pinaghintay mo this time, si ellie. sanay na ko sayo.”

napatigil sa paglalakad si johnny, pati na rin ikaw pero hindi mo siya hinarap. alam mo kasing na-offend siya sa sinabi mo–lalo na’t alam niyang hanggang ngayon, dala-dala mo pa rin ang galit mo sa nangyari sa inyong dalawa.

“kasalanan ko bang demanding ang trabaho ko? i’m doing this for a living, to support ellie. what the fuck is wrong with that, y/n? i already said i’m sorry for being late.”

“hindi ka dapat nagsosorry sakin, johnny. kay ellie.” banat mo, “tapos at pagod na kong maghintay sayo, pero si ellie? wag mong gawin yung ginawa mo sakin sa anak ko–sa anak mo. it’s more than enough that i was the one who suffered first, that i was the one who experienced it firsthand. i wouldn’t let my daughter experience the same pain you’ve given me, suh.”

sasagot pa sana si johnny, pero bumukas ang pintuan ng kwarto ni ellie. nakatingin ang bata sa inyong dalawa, hawak-hawak ang paborito niyang stuffed toy at medyo magulo na ang buhok dahil sa tulog.

“are you two fighting?”

“n-no, ellie. we were just… talking.” sagot mo, “do you still want to go to daddy’s place? we still have time to repack your bags naman, sabihin mo lang sakin.”

umiling si ellie, and that made johnny’s heart break pero hindi niya masisi ang bata kung bakit ayaw na rin niyang pumunta sa bahay niya.

“ellie, sayang naman ang byahe ng daddy mo if hindi ka sasama sa kanya.” pakiusap mo, “remember what we talked about kanina? girls’ day pagbalik mo galing sa house ni daddy mo.”

“lagpas bedtime ko na po dumating si daddy eh,” sagot naman ni ellie.

lumuhod si johnny sa harap ni ellie, akmang yayakap sa anak pero umiwas ito. “ellie, i’m sorry.” sabi niya, “promise, last na to na malelate ako. i’ll arrive on time na next time, i promise.”

“no.”

sinara ni ellie ang pinto ng kwarto niya sa harap ng tatay niya, ikaw mismo hindi makapaniwala sa ginawa ni ellie dahil unang beses niya tong ginawa. hindi mo rin alam kung saan niya nakita o natutunan yun. si johnny naman, nakaluhod pa rin, hindi rin makapaniwala sa nangyari.

“i’ll talk to her. sa sala ka muna,” sabi mo bago kumatok sa kwarto ni ellie, tumango naman si johnny at tumayo na. “els? it’s mommy. pwede ba akong pumasok?”

“no, ayaw ko pong makita si daddy.”

napanbuntong hininga ka, “eleonor, it’s just me ang papasok. si mommy lang, daddy’s in the living room. can i please come in?”

ilang segundo lang at narinig mo ang paa niya na tumakbo papuntang pinto bago ito bumukas. pumasok ka na agad at sinara ito, “ellie, why did you say no to daddy?”

“because i heard you tell him he hurt you.” sagot ni ellie, hindi siya makatingin sayo at pinaglalaruan lang ang stuffed toy niya. “if daddy keeps going here and you keep seeing him, you will be in pain mommy. dito nalang po ako sayo. okay lang po na hindi ko po makita si daddy.”

how can a 5-year-old like ellie understand what’s happening between you and her father? na nasaktan ka ng tatay niya dati, na hindi maganda ang ending ng relasyon niyo? naiipit ang anak niyo sa sitwasyon niyong dalawa. ang aga pa para mapansin ni ellie to. isip mo. alam mo namang magiging cause ng trauma to ni ellie paglaki niya, as much as possible, gusto mong nakikita niya na parehong okay at civil kayo sa isa't isa ni johnny pero ang hirap kasi kung palaging mainit ang ulo niyo ni johnny sa isa't isa.

napaluha ka sa sinabi ni ellie, “mommy, are you crying because of me?”

“hindi, anak. it’s just…” you sighed, “i just love you so much and i want to protect you, and mommy is really sorry if you’re experiencing this kind of situation at a young age.”

ellie finally looked you in the eyes, “i love you, mommy.”

and that’s when you realized ellie has her father’s eyes. those warm brown eyes that shine beautifully under the light, johnny na johnny.

“mommy?”

“yes, ellie?”

“pwede po bang pasabi kay daddy, sorry? can he come back tomorrow na lang po? i’m sleepy na po eh.”

you gave her a warm smile and nodded, “okay els, i'll talk to daddy.” sagot mo, at inayos si ellie sa kama niya. humalik ka sa noo niya, “sleep ka na, anak. sabihin ko kay daddy mo balik na lang siya. but baby, i think mas maa-appreciate ni daddy if ikaw mismo yung magsosorry sa kanya, so promise mommy na tomorrow, magsosorry ka sa kanya.”

“promise po.”

umalis ka na sa tabi ni ellie, pinatay ang ilaw at lumabas ng kwarto niya bago pumunta sa sala kung nasaan si johnny. tulala pa rin siya, hindi makapaniwala sa nangyari kanina. tinawag mo siya para mawala siya sa pagkakatulala at tinanong: “gusto mo ba ng something na inumin?” tumango si johnny at tumayo, sinundan ka sa kusina. nilapag mo ang dalawang wine glass sa coutertop kung saan siya banda nakaupo at nilagyan ito ng wine, pinot noir–ang paborito niya.

“thanks.”

the two of you quietly stayed in the kitchen, naghihintay lang kung sinong unang magsasalita.

“so–” “ano–” sabay niyong sabi, sumignal nsman si johnny na mauna ka na daw magsalita.

“ellie says she's sorry,” sabi mo, “hindi daw muna siya sasama sayo ngayong gabi, she’s already sleep when she told me that. balikan mo na lang daw siya bukas.”

“oh…”

“don't worry, i told her to say sorry to you again. personally para naman maramdaman mong galing sakanya at hindi sakin.” you chuckled, “anyway, narinig niya kasi yung sinabi ko sayo. ano… i wanted to say na pwede bang maging civil na lang tayong dalawa ulit? na every time ellie is within earshot, wag tayong mag-away. you can hate me from the distance, i just don’t want ellie to hear us fighting kasi ayokong matrauma si ellie.”

“noted on that, but i think dapat mo ring i-apply yan sa sarili mo.”

hindi ka na ulit sumagot, at napalibutan na naman kayo ng katahimikan. walang nagsasalita hangga’t walang nagiinitiate ng conversation.

“so, uh… late na rin. at ayokong malate ng punta bukas.” sabi ni johnny, “i should probably go.”

tumango ka nalang at sinamahan siyang maglakad hanggang sa pinto, walang paalam sa isa’t isa. sinara mo na ang pinto pagkalabas niya at huminga ng malalim

how did it end up like this? isip mo.

why do you hate the man you once loved, imagined a future with? and everytime you look at your daughter's eyes, you see a glimpse of your relationship with her father.

CAUSE SOMETIMES I LOOK IN HER EYES, AND THAT’S WHERE I FIND A GLIMPSE OF US.

#nct angst #nct 127 angst #johnny angst #johnny suh angst #nct scenarios #nct 127 scenarios #johnny scenarios

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jenniejjun · 11 months

Text

FALSE GOD.

PAR: johnny suh x leitora!fem

GÊNERO: fluff e angst / idol!au

avisos: não tem nada demais nesse a não ser o fato de que é citado que a leitora e o johnny já terminaram antes, uma discussãozinha em que os dois são meio babaquinhas mas não tem nada tóxico (ao meu ver), a leitora também é artista.

PESSOINHA QUE PEDIU ALGO COM O JOHNNY EU PERDI SUA ASK DESCULPAAAAAAAAAAAAA! mas tá aqui, desculpa pela demora imensa! bom gente, como já tinha falado antes aqui, eu fiquei bem abaladinhe com a notícia dos shows da taylor swift e de que eu não poderia ir, sou fã dessa mulher há 10 anos e foi um puta baque pra mim. acabei perdendo a inspiração pra algumas coisas, mas tô de volta agora! os pedidos continuam abertos caso queiram pedir algo. essa fic é antiga e eu só adaptei pro johnny porque achei que combinava super com ele, esse homi me passa a impressão de false god todinha!

━━━ ⟡ JULHO, 2021.

Você olha pela janela e de repente são cinco da manhã em Seul. Da última vez que olhou para o relógio, mal passava do meio-dia, mas escrever um álbum pode ser assim tão avassalador. Toda a cidade estava a dormir, até o rapaz que considerava ser o dos seus sonhos estava a ressonar num sono profundo. Mas, por outro lado, você não conseguia bater um olho. Talvez fosse o fato de estar a pensar no álbum que estava a escrever, e este parece vazio. É como se precisasse de algo mais... precisasse de algo intenso. Que lembre às pessoas, e a você, o que são os sentimentos. Algo que, cada vez que cantasse, fizesse sua alma entrar em combustão, assim como as pessoas ao seu redor.

Você suspira, com a mente vazia, e vira-se para ver Johnny, o seu Johnny. O rapaz que lhe roubou seu coração há tantos anos. John que está a dormir pacificamente, alheio a tudo. Ele é tão bonito e tão seu, que poderia passar toda a sua vida a adorá-lo, independentemente do drama. Johnny tem sido tudo para si desde que se conheceram há dois anos atrás em no Inkigayo e pensar que houve um momento na sua vida em que realmente pensou que vocês poderiam ser apenas amigos depois de tudo, faz com que um vazio que você pensava ter preenchido se esvazie novamente.

Flashes sobre aquela noite passam-lhe pela cabeça, o medo entra-lhe no corpo como uma cobra. Frio e duro. Sai do quarto e dirige-se para a cozinha. A cozinha de vocês. O apartamento era pequeno, uma vez que era suposto ser um segredo, por isso a caminhada não demorou muito mais tempo. Sentindo a brisa a bater-lhe no rosto, e quando se instala numa cadeira, o seu olhar encontra a camisa de botões que ele vestiu no início da noite para o evento a que foram. Também a camisa que ele usou nessa noite.

Sentindo-se pequena, você abraça o pijama, abre o seu cancioneiro, pega na caneta que lhe estava presa e começa a rabiscar, sem saber por onde começar.

As memórias daqueles meses toldavam-lhe a mente e sabia que, se queria mesmo escrever uma canção sobre tão arrebatadora, teria de reabrir aquela ferida dolorosa. De alguma forma, parecia mais profunda do que a de 2019, mais madura. Lembrava-se de se sentir tão assustada, como se o fosse perder de novo.

Concentrando-se nesse medo, você escreve:

"And I can't talk to you when you're like this, staring out the window like I'm not your favorite town.”

E isso é tudo o que basta para a fazer voltar, como numa máquina do tempo, a uns meses atrás. Mesmo antes do eventos daquela fatídica noite, quando você era um pouco mais imatura e mais nova.

━━━ ⟡ FEVEREIRO, 2021.

Na sala de jantar da Irene cabiam 30 pessoas. De alguma forma, ela conseguiu colocar 50. Você estava enroscada com a sua melhor amiga a celebrar o seu aniversário antecipado, às oito da noite, quando a ouve. Em alto e bom som. Madison Tottenham e uma garota na qual você não conhecia, falavam sobre algo que Mark Lee disse. Você grunge ao ver aquilo.

"Se eu soubesse que aquela garota ia ser babaca e convidar a ex do teu namorado para a minha festa, nunca a teria convidado”, Irene disse, com um tom de veneno, os olhos a rolarem para a parte de trás do crânio.

"Para ser sincera, também não sabia que ela ia trazer a Madison”, Joy respondeu, com as mãos suadas. Você quase teve pena da pobre mulher, se não estivesse demasiado concentrada na garota morena que balançava o corpo ao som da música.

"Tudo bem”, você manteve as coisas simples.

Mas não era tão simples assim. Você não era alguém que agia por maldade, não importava quanta raiva tivesse por aquela pessoa. Se Madison estava lá, não deveria ser um grande problema. E não era. Não até que o reacender da sua amizade com Johnny começasse a florescer. Se ele quisesse voltar a ser amigo dela, tudo bem, mas você reconhecia que os sentimentos platônicos eram unilaterais. Os quadris a andar para trás e para a frente, os cabelos indo de um lado para o outro e os olhares. Era completamente desrespeitoso, mesmo que Johnny não estivesse a responder. A culpa é dela, você tem todo o direito de estar zangada. Com Madison, mas não pode deixar de se sentir zangada com seu namorado também.

O namorado que ficou ali a franzir o sobrolho quando viu a carranca na sua cara.

Você estava a ser injusta, sabia. O Suh só tinha olhos para ti. Isso explicava a forma como ele lhe beijava o pescoço, discretamente, cantarolando a sua canção preferida, quando reparava que estava aborrecida. Mesmo quando você se virava de costas.

"Estamos em público, para”, você disse, com um tom de voz firme, mas ao mesmo tempo suave. E ele apenas acenou com a cabeça, abraçando-a pelas costas e depositando um beijo no seu cabelo.

Por um momento, nem sequer se lembra do infeliz incidente. Vira-se para trás, alisando-lhe o cabelo com os dedos enquanto se abraçam. Até revira os olhos quando ouve um comentário provocativo de Jaehyun. As coisas voltam ao normal por um instante. Mas esse momento desvanece-se rapidamente quando Johnny vai beber um copo e acaba por ter uma conversa com a menina Tottenham.

Ela estende a mão para lhe tocar no ombro, rindo-se de algo que ele disse e isso faz seu sangue ferver. Johnny, felizmente, afastou-a instantaneamente quando se apercebeu que ela estava demasiado perto.

Mas, mesmo assim, sentiu a cara a ficar vermelha quando Taeyeon te abordou com algo sobre pensar em voltar com Baekhyun. O pânico corria-lhe nas veias, tanto quanto o estresse, quando você se desculpou com Irene. O que significava nada de festa e Johnny ao seu lado no carro. Má ideia.

A primeira coisa que faz quando chegam a casa é desbloqueá-la e pedir desculpa a Irene.

"foi mal mesmo, joo! prometo recompensar com uma noite das meninas qualquer dia desses.”

Não demorou muito para que ela te respondesse:

"relaxa, solzinho! se resolve com o johnny primeiro e depois a gente marca algo :)”

Você sentiu-se à beira das lágrimas, mas engoliu-as para deixar cair as chaves no balcão da cozinha. Você sabe que está a ser dramática, ainda mais quando percebe que o Suh lhe está a dar tempo para se abrir sobre o que a está a deixar chateada, mas as imagens de Madison a exibir-se como um troféu para ele não estavam a ajudar em nada. Quer que ele sinta que fez besteira, e das grandes. Mas, no fundo da sua mente, é apenas um ato egoísta.

"Quer falar sobre isso?", Johnny te pergunta enquanto se deixa cair no sofá da sala de estar.

"Sinceramente, não sei como expressar o que sinto”, você diz do outro lado da sala, com os braços fechados à volta da sua figura. "Porque é que não a impediu?"

Johnny suspira. "Pensei que tinha deixado bem claro que sou teu namorado o tempo todo, bê. Já passamos por isto antes, estou contigo e com mais ninguém. Ela que se foda se não consegue respeitar isso."

"Eu sei, mas não podia simplesmente dizer que tem namorada?", você pergunta, lentamente.

"Ela sabe que eu tenho namorada. Madison só tá tentando se meter entre a gente, eu conheço ela, mas se você quiser eu grito pro mundo que você é a minha garota”, Johnny assegurou sério. “Não posso empurra-lá na frente de todo mundo, essa merda chega na mídia e é um inferno. Tu sabe disso, vai ser maior do que precisa de ser”, sim. Você sabia disso, mas isso não a impediu de suspirar, Johnny parecia etéreo mesmo quando as suas palavras a magoavam involuntariamente.

"Então, eu tenho que ficar aqui sentada sempre que ela se atira em você?”, quis saber.

"Não, não. Claro que não, linda, isto é provavelmente uma coisa de uma só vez. É só ela querendo atenção”, o tom da sua voz era suave quando ele se levantou e caminhou até você, envolvendo os braços à volta da sua cintura. Suh beijou o seu nariz. No entanto, o contato não durou muito tempo. "Amor."

“Nem vem, John. Ela faz isso sempre, cada vez que se encontram”, você pega a palavra novamente, exasperada. "Sabe que não me importaria se fosse outra pessoa. Mas não é, é ela. É sempre ela, não uma fã apaixonadinha ou uma amiga. É sempre a Madison com o seu complexo de 'posso ter tudo o que quero'."

A sala de estar fica em silêncio.

"Sei que é arriscado e que podemos ser cancelados por coisas estúpidas, mas é desconfortável e pensei que você, mais do que ninguém, entenderia. É a nossa relação."

Quase parece que você o agrediu, atirando-lhe à cara uma recordação tão dolorosa. Ele era a pessoa que mais entendia. Você sabia disso. Foi ele quem suportou todo o drama com seu colega de elenco quando a mídia, de fato, transformou aquilo em algo que não existia. Havia sido ele quem teria aguentado todos os rumores de traição que Dispatch poderia soltar sobre vocês nessa época. Foi ele quem aceitou o término que você propôs com a desculpa de que seria melhor para ele e a imagem do grupo em que estava inserido.

Foi ele que te telefonou quando vocês terminaram, deitado na sua cama, todas as noites, à espera que estivesse pronta para falar. Ele sabe disso e você sabe disso.

"Eu entendo, bê, mas é de Madison que estamos falando. Quanto mais deixar isso mexer contigo, mais vai mexer contigo. Além disso, pelo menos, eu e ela não nos vemos o tempo todo", diz ele, tentando parecer mais calmo do que irritado.

Você nunca foi a primeira a quebrar, Johnny tinha sido sempre o primeiro a pedir desculpas quando ele tinha sido a causa de uma de suas brigas. Mas era visível que isso estava em outro nível. Você estava a ser irracional.

"Tá tentando me dizer alguma coisa?", disse séria.

Ele sabe que você está magoada.

"Não, só estou dizendo para não deixar que o ciúme se meta no meio de nós outra vez", ele diz desesperado.

"Não é ciúme, John, é literalmente o mínimo que estou a pedir. Se fosse eu no seu lugar, não ia querer o mesmo?", você suspira, de repente não está zangada com ele, está zangada com consigo.

Zangada porque sabe que está a ser injusta com o namorado.

"Ah, mas eu quis. Eu quis e você não fez nem isso", ele deixa escapar, zangado. A voz está a tremer.

Um murro tê-la-ia magoado menos, pensa.

"Isso é diferente, amor. Ele é meu amigo. Um amigo do trabalho, não um ex com quem você sabe que eu tenho um passado", ela nem sequer hesita em dizer. "E ele certamente não estava se jogando em cima de mim."

Você aproveitou a oportunidade para se aconchegar no conforto do sofá, abraçando uma almofada. "Estou pedindo algo tão difícil assim? Apenas diga a ela para parar. É quase como se você gostasse."

É claro que é mentira, ele adora o chão que você pisa. Mas mesmo assim, a mágoa e a confusão toldam-lhe a mente.

"Cuidado", ele avisa mas você o corta.

"Não, John. Você nunca te impõe neste aspecto. Só coloca lenha na fogueira, sabe que é verdade. Só faz alguma coisa ou admite que está errado quando percebe que estragou tudo. E não devia ser assim tão difícil, honestamente, se quer saber a verdade é que estou cansada. Se isto vai ser sempre um obstáculo na nossa relação, não consigo. Não consigo fazer isto".

"Você tá sendo injusta", o rapaz Suh aponta com a voz a estalar no meio do assunto.

"Quer saber? Antes eu estava! Me senti tão mal por estar zangada com o meu namorado quando na realidade o problema era ela. Doeu um pouco quando não fizeste nada, mas quando veio ficar comigo, eu sabia que estava lá para me confortar, mas agora, vendo como você se recusa a admitir que devia ter feito alguma coisa, faz-me questionar isso. Tem noção de como foi embaraçoso para mim ficar vendo aquilo? Precisar que os meus amigos me assegurem de que provavelmente não era nada? Ou as pessoas olhando para os dois de forma curiosa por causa disso?"

Você chora, mas não consegue evitar o que sai da sua boca.

"E o que é que você quer que eu faça? Eu fui àquela festa idiota por sua causa, não preciso de ir cuspir o meu amor e carinho por ti na cara de toda a gente, porque eles conseguem ver isso claramente! Se ela não consegue ver isso é porque não nos respeita e se não nos respeita então não vou perder a merda do meu tempo com ela".

"Não te estou te pedindo pra fazer cena, apenas para falar com ela. Você a conhece como disse, é muito simples."

"Por Deus, será que você consegue confiar em mim por um instante? Pare de ser tão insegura! Eu tô com você, não tô?", ele fecha a boca instantaneamente, arrependido de tudo, e você fica calada do outro lado da sala. "Amor, eu…"

"Vai se ferrar, John."

Os dois estavam a segundos de chorar, odiando-se pelas palavras que tinham dito.

"Escapou, bê, desculpa. Não sei o que me passou pela cabeça, foi uma merda. Eu sinto muito", ele disse, aproximando-se do seu rosto ofendido.

Doeu quando deu um passo atrás.

Ele sabia que aquilo tinha feito explodir um fósforo dentro de você, todas as memórias de brigas passadas retornando. Mesmo que soubesse que não tinham acabado, sabia que talvez fosse uma hipótese. Quiçá, vocês não fossem almas gêmeas, afinal.

━━━ ⟡ JULHO, 2021.

"Bebê?", uma voz faz você olhar por cima do ombro, onde Johnny Suh te olha sonolento. Ele brilha ao luar, desgrenhado e com os boxers de Stormtroppers que vestiu nesse dia. Ao estender a mão, você sente John envolver os seus braços à volta dos seus ombros, deixando beijos molhados no seu maxilar e pescoço, e você suspira, sentindo borboletas por todo o lado.

"O que tá fazendo acordada?", ele pergunta, olhando por cima do seu ombro para o livro de canções. John lê a primeira letra e franze o sobrolho, sentando-se, partilhando os dois a mesma cadeira.

"We were crazy to think, crazy to think that this could work."

"Sobre o que tá escrevendo?", Johnny te olha e te transfere para seu colo, sentando-se desta vez confortável na cadeira inteira, um beijo no seu ombro.

"Tava escrevendo uma canção sobre o que aconteceu em Fevereiro", ela diz, fechando os olhos.

Era uma ferida fechada, já não doía, mas ainda os deixava desconfortáveis de vez em quando. Envolvendo os braços à volta dos ombros dele, inclina-se e beija-o por um breve momento.

"Vai escrever uma canção sobre isso?", ele sussurra, com os olhos fechados assim como os seus. Suh trata de deixar beijos em você como forma de distração. Assim, você o abraça com mais força e cantarola ao som do canto dos pássaros à janela. Já era de manhã.

"Não uma canção inteira", sussurra de volta, acariciando-lhe o cabelo curto. Seu namorado te olha, acenando com a cabeça para que continue. "Eu queria mostrar os altos e baixos de uma relação. Não é necessariamente uma canção de separação, é mais a normalidade de coisas como são quando se está apaixonado. Ainda nem sequer está terminada", explicou sorrindo e corando como uma criança só para ele.

"Eu sei, mas agora vamos escrever sobre os altos, está bem? Ele diz deixando beijos na pele exposta dela, enquanto ela se ri quando os beijos lhe fazem cócegas. Era como se estivéssemos juntos numa bolha que ninguém conseguia rebentar.

"Vai me ajudar?"

Ele cantarola enquanto sorri. "Alguma ideia?"

"Não muitas", você responde, deslizando as mãos pelas costas dele. Ele te olha de novo, duvidoso. "Tô falando sério. Pra ser justa, só tenho o conceito."

"Me conta", Johnny pede.

A verdade é que você tem estado a pensar nesta canção há já algum tempo, em como as coisas acabariam por se tornar. A ideia original era ser uma canção de término, como as suas antigas canções em "Haunted", mas ao vasculhar o seu cancioneiro encontrou letras antigas de 2018. Como ela parecia apaixonada na altura, não mais do que nos dias de hoje, mas tão apaixonada pela ideia de um romance.

Os versos de "L-O-V-E" cheios de doçura e inocência, acabou reparando como tudo parecia quase milagroso.

Como se não houvesse nada mais puro para ser fiel do que o seu amor por Johnny. A ideia de um romance tão forte que é a única coisa em que se acredita é tão atrativa para o álbum, que o tornavam um álbum tão pessoal. Os seus sentimentos por ele também eram, pensava. Era a sua religião, afinal de contas. Uma conduta que seguiria em qualquer lado. As noites que passaram juntos a perpetuar isso, tudo lhe trouxe um sorriso ao rosto.

"Na verdade, eu tenho uma ideia", diz enquanto se baixa para escrever algo no livro.

Remexe-se em cima do colo do homem. Pela forma como a respiração de Johnny se acelera, imagina que talvez o mesmo pensamento estivesse a passar pela cabeça dele.

"We might just get away with it, the altar is my hips."

#₊‧ ˖ ࣪ ་ 🐇 works by vivi #nct 127 #nct 127 angst #johnny suh #johnny suh fluff #johnny suh angst #johnny suh smut #nct 127 reactions #nct 127 smut

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boywithlcv · 9 months

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Champagne Problems | JSUH.

Summary: Johnny suh knew one thing. Y/N knew nothing.

tags: established relationship, Angst, gn!reader, barista!johnny, film major!reader, sad sad Johnny.

Wc:

A/n: part one! Also the first part of my BLONDIE series! Based off of Taylor songs sing she’s coming to Canada <3.

‘You booked the night train for a reason.

So you could sit there in this hurt’

✩

December 28th.

Four hours after the final goodbye.

the weather was anything but nice. the type of chill that nipped at peoples skin as it devilishly danced through the air. The tall man didn't mind it though, he'd felt worse than some pinches from jack frost. The bustling sound of trains coming in and out of the station along with the crowd of passengers that left the vehicles carts. everyone going from one place to the next.

Though johnny, didn't quite know where he was going.

He knew he was going far, far away to hide away from whatever vendetta the world had against him. He felt as though he must of broken glass, the superstition his mother would warn him about when he was younger. though he's sure it was just because she didn't want to clean up any glass that johnny would've easily broken. though the superstition followed him to adulthood as he found himself a very superstitious person. come to think of it... he did break a glass bowl a couple months before, if that made any difference to his feelings about this situation.

Yes, the situation johnny suh found himself in.

the situation he thought he would never find himself in. because he was so sure, god why was he so sure?.

But it lead him to, standing alone. at an ungodly hour of the night, just so people wouldn't see the tears that fell down his cheeks. late night train full of people too tired or in too much of a rush to notice the tall man weeping away his sorrows over his lost lover. it also gave him time to sit and think, overthink or under think. it didn't matter. as long as he could sit in his hurt as dusk turned into dawn.

the hurt that was caused by his once muse, yn.

He wishes he could take everything back, maybe he wouldn't have been so stupid. A young barista falls in love with the film major. maybe it was a set up from the beginning, since the minute yn stumbled into his coffee shop looking as if they didn't know what sleep was. but yet johnny thought they looked beautiful.

He wishes he could take back when he made the first move. everyday yn would order the same thing, a basic black coffee. something johnny would always poke fun at. a drink he thought was reserved for older men and the occasional caffeine addicted mother. and every-time johnny would make it as a chuckle left his lips. until the seventh time they ordered, after a month of watching them for hours in his shop. he wrote his number on their napkin along with a J.

He wishes he could take back the way he smiled at his phone for the next week and a half like an idiot, every text he re-read a million times and could probably resite by memory.

He wishes he could take back the first date. which led to the second. the fourth. the eighth. the final.

he wishes he could take back letting them meet his family, letting them move in with him, letting them befriend his friends.

he wishes he could take back the last 47 hours.

johnny suh wishes he could take back loving yn.

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pearl-neo · 1 year

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Paranoia

Pairing ⬩ Reader + Johnny

Genre ⬩ psychological thriller \ suspense \ mystery \ angst

Length ⬩ 13k — one shot

Plot ⬩ After a year spent living as a shut-in, you finally agree to go on a drive with your sister. When a storm steers your plan off course, you find yourselves brought closer to two charming strangers—but an unsettling tension lingers in your mind.

Warnings ⬩ anxiety; agoraphobia; implications of depression; ongoing feelings of helplessness, general discomfort, self-doubt; mental breakdown; minor violence; character death

‹ Note › The feelings/mannerisms that come as a consequence of (mild?) agoraphobia in this story all come from a personal place. I don’t mean to make light of anyone’s experience with mental illness.

Disclaimer! I don’t know any of the nct members personally, and would never claim this is how they behave/think in real life. They only inspire me to write these stories, and I think of them as a cast of actors like in a drama or movie. It’s never my intention to project on or disrespect any of the people mentioned.

A sliver of light escaped through the window blinds as your fingers pulled at one of the blades. Despite the clear and sunny sky outside, it was dim in your apartment. It often was. Your eyes rejected the foreign light for a brief moment before they readjusted.

Outside, a pale pink Cadillac convertible was parked in front of the building’s entrance. The kind where the back just above the tail lights rose in a theatrical peak on either side. The roof was down, revealing the velvet white interior. You liked the velvet, it was comfortable; you could almost remember what it felt like.

Although, right now, it only served to remind you of how much time had passed since you were last in it. Maybe a year, maybe a little longer than that… Right before your driver’s license got revoked and you gave up entirely.

“Are you gonna keep staring at it, or are we gonna go get in?” Your sister quipped from behind you, resting her chin on your shoulder. “Not that this isn’t a killer view.”

Even though you appreciated her keeping up a humorous air for your sake, you could still feel the tension. She had been trying to get you to go outside for at least an entire year. Yet you still always managed to back out at the last second.

“We’re absolutely not going to get out of the car?” You asked, probably for the tenth time now. For the whole duration of this past month, you would ask and she would reassure. Over and over again, that it would’ve made anyone else sick of you by now.

She squeezed your shoulders. “Nope, just drive around. Eat something nice. Drive back home before sunset. We’ll get on the coastal highway so there won’t even be that many cars.”

Opening the front door wasn’t a problem—online shopping was basically your lifeline. The slight nausea began only after you stepped out for the first time. Autumn was coming to an end, with the beginnings of a fierce winter approaching eagerly on its heels. The cold wind bit at your flushed cheeks, and you closed your eyes to take it in before willing yourself forward.

It almost didn’t feel real. That somehow made it easier.

The sky was so blue, the trees so green, you couldn’t quite stop staring as everything sped past you. The sun breathed life into the colors of its surroundings in a way that it could never fully achieve inside your apartment. Even having the sun directly on your skin felt foreign. Car roof down, the chilly wind engulfed you in waves.

Soon, you were on a curving highway by the sea. The road was flat and stretched as long as you could see, with only the odd car here and there. What you could only describe as psychedelic pop music played in a pleasant volume in the background.

The drive would be four hours long, two to the end of the coastal road and two back, but you took that as an excuse to stop by three different drive-throughs to assemble what was surely going to be a magnificent spread. A car picnic was part of how your sister had managed to entice you, after you saw some characters on a TV show do it. She even let you pick all of the food.

Breaking the trance-like silence, you said, “I don’t know if I can stand the smell of that food much longer…”

“Same,” she said, “we’re almost there, you see that?”

She nudged her head at a square brown building in the distance. It looked like one of those rest stops that would have a shabby family pool up front. You felt a sense of relief that you wouldn’t have to go in. Maybe you would get the courage to venture out of the car next time. Or maybe the time after that. You let your mind wander as you got closer and closer.

There was one other car already parked there, a jet black Brabus G Wagon. It was a monster of a car, so big and square you thought it almost looked like an armored hearse. When your car pulled over a few spaces away from it, it still managed to dwarf you by comparison.

The music kept playing as the pair of you laid out all of your food, placing it on a checkered picnic blanket that you had covering the trunk of your car, and pushed the front seats as far as they could go for you to stretch your legs out on.

Thankfully, the food was still hot when you took it out of the thermal containers. You had yourself to thank for that idea, so you mentally patted yourself on the back.

“The chicken is all limp,” your sister whined after she picked one up. Just as you reached out for a strip yourself, a drop of cool water landed on the back of your hand and slid off to the side. The colors had grown faded, and the air felt different.

“Oh no.”

And just like that, in under a minute, a few stray drops turned into one of the quickest downpours you had ever experienced. A strong wind came and blew some of the smaller containers off, while you both rushed to hold down whatever you could.

“This doesn’t look very partly cloudy,” your sister laughed. You admired her ability to laugh it off while you panicked and scrambled around dramatically, making a mental note to never trust the weather forecast again.

“Go on, you bring up the car roof and I’ll take care of these,” she called to you over the wind that was continuously growing louder.

The moment you let go of what you’ve been holding down, they slid away from you but mostly held their place (for now). The retracted roof only budged by the tiniest margin despite your incessant pulling. All this rain must’ve done something to it…

At that moment, the door of the black SUV opened and a young man with soft facial features half-jogged to your car. Fighting your instinct to recoil, you found yourself avoiding his eyes instead. You really weren’t ready to talk to anyone. Not to mention, you didn’t get a chance to do any mental preparation for it.

He, on the other hand, had an effortless smile on as he approached, and you almost rolled your eyes at yourself for noticing his dimples right now. But you didn’t, your brows furrowing instead.

“Hi,” he called, “let me help you.” Smoothly, he joined you in pulling the roof up. You could only manage a small “sorry” but your sister added a friendly “thank you!”

He was only wearing blue jeans and a lightweight white sweater. The expensive kind of fabric you wouldn’t want to get wet. So you glanced at him with guilt as it got wetter and wetter.

“It’s like it’s nailed down,” he laughed, eyes squinted in what looked like embarrassment.

“Oh!” he added, looking behind you. You turned to see one more young man coming out of the rest stop this time. It was a bigger guy dressed all in black. Despite his tall and muscular build, something about him was gracefully cat-like.

“Johnny! Could you give us a hand?” The dimpled guy beckoned him over, although he was already on his way to you.

“What’s up? Ah.”

Soon, it was all three of you yanking at it together. Ridiculous. For some reason, it didn’t feel any different than when you were pulling on it by yourself. You prayed that it would be over as soon as possible. You could already feel your breath constricting—even looking their way was difficult. Like they were radioactive.

“Okay, I don’t think this is working out. We might actually damage it if we keep this up,” Johnny said, looking between the three of you, “you’re better off coming inside for now. At least until this storm is over.”

You looked over at your sister, who had just successfully put away all she could save from the food, which was now stacked in a corner in the back seat, getting pitifully hammered by the rain.

Her smile was stretched from ear to ear. You tried to catch her eyes and somehow telepathically communicate to her how uncomfortable you felt, but she had already moved on to observing the dimpled guy’s physique.

Under other circumstances, you would’ve found it funny that you could see the exact moment she snapped out of it. But you were sad to admit that over the past year you rarely found anything funny anymore. A few moments later, her eyes found yours, apologetic.

“Actually, we really need to get going,” she turned to them. “Thanks for your help, though!”

Owing to the storm, it had gotten darker much earlier than anticipated. A glance at the road ahead only discouraged you further when you saw just how thick the fog had gotten—even with the roof up, driving in this weather would certainly be a questionable choice… You would never forgive yourself if you were the reason your sister got into an accident.

Frozen with your hands clenched by your sides, you mentally talked yourself into it. Just one night. Clearing your throat, you gave a hesitant “okay. Let’s go in.”

Her eyebrows shot up in response. “You sure?” Even though she was offering otherwise, you could see how tired she already was. You could also feel the eyes of the two men on you, although you didn’t look up to confirm it.

“Yeah. It’s too dark. We’ll leave as soon as the sun comes up, okay?” Although your words were directed at her, part of it was also said to yourself for reassurance. You continued in a low voice, forcing yourself to look up at them, “uh, thank you so much for trying to help.”

“No worries,” the dimpled guy smiled at the both of you.

If your sister had a tail, she would’ve been wagging it. It was hard not to see that she had a type. The dimpled man, who had a laid-back demeanor and a twinkle in his smiling eyes, was exactly the type she always gravitated towards. The type that looked like he would never hurt you.

A stagger in your step, you found your body resisting the walk inside. Something felt very wrong in your gut, twisting a knot into your stomach. Sharp feelings of regret started to find their way into your mind at having offered to stay. Today wasn’t supposed to go this way. You weren’t supposed to run into anyone.

It could’ve been your imagination, but you felt Johnny’s stare linger on you as you finally followed everyone inside.

You were wrong about there being a pool by the entrance of the rest stop. That was probably for the best, because everything else looked fairly uncared for, and the rain only exaggerated all the dirtier aspects.

Past the small courtyard covered in dead (and now, wet) leaves, and a lone vending machine with a few snacks covered in a thick layer of dust, the four of you walked through a smaller door leading to the lobby.

It was just as shabby on the inside as it looked on the outside. Dim, warm-toned light-bulbs provided less-than-ideal lighting so that you could only just make out your surroundings. A musty smell wafted your way almost as soon as you stepped in.

“I’m Jaehyun, by the way,” the dimpled guy’s voice made you turn, and you saw that he still had a relaxed smile on. You and your sister introduced yourselves as Johnny went ahead to the front desk, which was manned by an old woman and her cat. The cat sat with its front paws tucked into its chest, unfazed by the new guests.

“Are you guys staying here, too?” Johnny called back to the two of you.

“Go on,” your sister encouraged. You shot her a look, and she returned it with two thumbs up, miming you can do it.

Keeping any further signs of discomfort to yourself, you agreed that you were in dire need of practice. Given that you hadn’t spoken to anyone other than your sister for the past year, even the thought of a brief exchange with a clerk was enough to set you on edge. You approached the counter with heavy feet.

“Good afternoon,” you started, but the woman spoke right away in a sharp tone. “No vacancy. Under repair, dear.”

“Oh. Well… We’ll just wait in the lobby then, if you don’t mind.”

Your sister had moved on with Jaehyun, the pair of them talking by the entrance. Sopping wet and looking giddy, their laughter and voices were drowned out by the storm outside.

Johnny looked down at you then back to Jaehyun across the lobby before offering “you guys can crash at our room if you want.”

His smile was cat-like to boot, and he was even bigger up close. Absurdly attractive, too. Something about that almost made you queasy, but you passed it off as your nerves building up. How long was the storm going to last?

“We couldn’t. Thank you for your offer, though.” You managed to return a small smile, but by then there was something else in his eyes that you couldn’t decipher. Interest? Amusement?

It must’ve been something you didn’t like, after all, because you hurried away and hooked your arm through your sister’s. She took her time before finally turning away from Jaehyun and back to you.

Deciding it was best to speak away from Jaehyun’s ears, you dragged her farther away. Just in case he felt charitable enough to repeat the same offer—at this point, you weren’t so sure she’d turn it down.

“No vacancies. We can just wait in the lobby for now,” you relayed, steering her towards the waiting area. At least you would get it to yourself.

There were only two shabby couches facing each other, with peeling wooden legs and faded out green fabric. With a start, you noticed for the first time that it wasn’t empty after all.

There was someone sleeping with his legs stretched out on the floor in front of him, ankles crossed. His head slumped forward so that his red hoodie obscured his face, his arms folded against his chest. He was only as big as you or maybe a little taller. Strange. You hadn’t noticed any other cars parked outside.

“Is he with you?” Your sister whispered to Jaehyun, who had followed the pair of you and was suddenly looking around the lobby awkwardly, brows slightly furrowed. He shook his head no.

There was still water dripping from the ends of his hair. He must’ve noticed you unconsciously stare, because he said “I’ll go get us some towels” and went up a narrow set of stairs to their room. Johnny glanced up at him only for a second, before going back to playing with the cat on the counter. The cat squeezed itself past his hands and stalked away into the shadows somewhere.

Why was Jaehyun sitting in the car, if they already had a room with their things in it?

“She doesn’t like us very much,” Johnny said to himself, his tone light. You don’t know why your heart did a little jump. He was talking about the cat. Not you. Right?

That was a non-ideal time for him to look straight at you. But nevertheless he approached, and his quiet walk reminded you of the cat he had just been petting. When he got close enough that it made your body tense up, you were relieved that he didn’t stop and instead kept walking past you.

“Forgot something in the car,” he said to no one, and left the lobby.

A pang of guilt sounded in your chest. You knew you were coming off as stand-offish, but you had your set limits. Especially today.

Your sister had her back turned to you, and was observing a large, muted painting of a tall ship sailing through turbulent waters. There was an ornate but faded golden frame around it.

Reaching out for her hand, you opened your mouth to say something, and—

“Towels?” A smooth voice spoke up behind you, and you spun around so quickly that you almost twisted your neck.

“Aww, thanks!” Your sister took one and let it fall over your head before taking another for herself. That made Jaehyun laugh, twinkles in his eyes. Everything seemed to make him smile or laugh, like he didn’t have a care in the world.

You grabbed the towel off of your head and absentmindedly held it out to your sister until she took it, then you turned to follow Johnny out into the rain.

A cold hand gripped your arm, stopping you. Turning around, you saw Jaehyun’s pale face staring back at you. “You’re gonna catch a cold if you go out there again. Do you need me to get you something? Your roof is open anyway, so I don’t need your keys.”

Next to him, your sister was looking at you with a puzzled expression. You hoped your voice wouldn’t crack, and said “uh, no… No, nevermind, it’s nothing.”

“You okay?” Your sister put her arms around you. “Long day, huh,” she said, rubbing your back.

“Yeah.”

When Johnny came back, you noticed he didn’t have anything in his hands.

What did you forget in the car? You wanted to ask him. But you knew better than to share what was on your mind, with everyone around.

You cursed under your breath at Jaehyun, who was still buttering up to your sister. The curse wasn’t only for how stuck to her he was, or how taken she was with him. It was also for how despite that, he still wouldn’t let you follow Johnny outside.

Although you supposed you had yourself to blame for that, too. It’s not like he forced anything on you. But somehow, when he told you not to go, you felt rooted in place and could no longer do anything other than what he told you to do. Somehow, your body was under other people’s control more than it was under your own.

The whole past year, you had felt yourself slowly slipping—you had been at a war with yourself that went on for so long it left you only as a ghost of who you once were. A silent shadow etched onto the pavement you once sat on.

All the new activity must’ve been noisy, because the sleeping man (boy?) took a deep breath in, sat up, and stretched his arms out in front of him. When he looked up at the three of you and his big eyes caught the light, you decided it would be more accurate to call him “boy” rather than “man.” Wide, circular glasses framed his youthful but angular face.

He immediately looked away and awkwardly drummed his hands on his knees. His clothes were wet, but his hair was dry underneath his hoodie, so you guessed that he must’ve ran in just before your group did. Probably while you were all struggling with pulling the roof up.

“Hi there, storm messed with your plans, too?” Your sister scrunched her nose at him playfully. “Sorry if we woke you, by the way.” She was still rubbing your back.

“No, not at all! Um, I wasn’t actually sleeping or anything. I just ran in a few minutes ago, actually,” he said, “that storm really came out of nowhere! And there was nowhere else to stop… so, yeah.” he paused, then added “I’m Mark.”

You introduced yourselves, and Jaehyun asked if Mark wanted him to check the front desk for a towel for him.

“No, I’m okay, thank you,” he pulled his hood back and shook out his hair, running a hand down its front to calm it down. Something made you instinctively look to your side, and you caught Johnny quietly staring at Mark. His eyes looked different when he wasn’t smiling. He glanced back at you, and that blank expression disappeared just as quickly.

Johnny took that as a chance to address you. “Hey, could I talk to you for a second?” When you nodded, his hand brushed gently against your wrist and led you to a more private space.

“I’m really sorry if I made you uncomfortable earlier.” He leaned into you, his voice soft. “It wasn’t my intention…”

“Don’t worry about it,” was all you could scrape together. You’d be lying if you said this hadn’t caught you off-guard. That being said, you still kept your defenses up. You were a naturally wary person. To be honest, you weren’t even sure what he was apologizing for.

“You didn’t do anything wrong, so…” You trailed off. You used to be so much better at talking.

“Didn’t I? Asking you to share a room with a stranger you barely just met,” he gave a soft laugh, and you could feel his warm breath on your face. Peppermint. Was it just you or was he closer now than when the conversation started?

Feeling the heat rising to your cheeks, you realized you needed to end this exchange soon—you weren’t ready for whatever this is. Willing yourself to continue, you said “you were just being considerate. I can understand that.”

“Is that so? Well, we’re in room two if you change your mind,” he countered, only half-joking, a glint of whatever you caught in his eyes earlier still there.

“But hey,” he said, as he reached to take his jacket off, “it’s chilly out here, so at least let me give you this.” He draped it over your shoulders and walked away, letting his reiterated offer hang without rejection.

* *

The rain outside was relentless. The gaps in the wood of the windows had the cold wind whistling through them, and rattled the glass rhythmically. It made your bones feel damp. Your sister had you wrapped in a tight hug both for her warmth and yours.

Quite the opposite from how you were feeling, these circumstances had her vibrating with excitement at all the possibilities. She adored movies where a random ensemble of characters were stuck together and had to find ways to get along.

Much to your sister’s disappointment (and your relief) Jaehyun and Johnny had went up to their room soon after that encounter. Thanks to the lack of Wi-Fi, she had spent her time so far pestering Mark out of boredom. As the conversation went on, he had loosened up and politely entertained her with whatever random topic she sprang on him.

It was just like your sister to quickly get people to open up to her wherever she went. But soon enough, even she was running out of things to talk about with Mark.

The pause in the conversation left enough room for your sister’s ears to perk up, picking up on the noise coming from down the hall. Considering the fairly small size of the rest stop, and the fact that you watched the two men walk into the room right across from the few steps leading up to the corridor, you could somewhat see their door from here if you strained your eyes hard enough at the dark.

The gap between the door and the floor told you that their lights were still on, and seeing the shadows moving around was the final push your sister needed to bounce up and practically skip there, dodging your desperate hands that clambered to pull her back down.

“Shh, I’m bored, I’ll just go see what they’re up to, that’s all!” She giggled. Your heart just threw itself against your ribcage miserably, in slow but heavy thumps. All the will in your legs escaping, you accepted that you probably wouldn’t be able to get yourself to stand up and follow her. You were under an invisible binding spell. So you and Mark watched her disappear down the short corridor.

She knocked a musical tone on the wood of their door, and it opened in no time, unleashing the light from their room and illuminating their silhouettes. Judging by the size of it, you guessed that it was Johnny. His head bobbed, going along with whatever she was saying to him.

He stepped aside, and your body tensed even more when you saw her go in. From here, it was hard to make out his features as he stood still, facing you. Was he looking your way? He held that position for a little longer before finally closing the door and drowning the corridor back in shadows, making it seem darker than it was before.

You couldn’t tear your eyes away from the corridor. It was as though everything stood still as you watched that door. Almost like all your surroundings shifted, steadily bringing you and that door closer, everything else around you disappearing.

Mark cleared his throat, asking “are you okay?”

That made you snap out of your hyper-focused state, sparing him a glace before returning it to the corridor. “I think so. Sorry.”

“Um… Do you wanna, like, go after her?”

You nodded, almost as though you were given validation to move. Just as you braced yourself to get up, the door opened again. The sight of Johnny stalking down the corridor and coming towards you made you stop, confused.

He sank down into the space next to you, casually flashing you a smile. “Hi again.”

You gave him a curt nod in reply, before impulsively shifting your gaze away. When your eyes found him again, through a great deal of effort on your part, they lingered this time. At that, his eyebrows went up inquisitively.

“Is everything okay?” He finally asked.

Before you could answer, you jumped at the sight of your sister already approaching you with Jaehyun on her tail. You really must’ve been out of it staring at Johnny…

As they maneuvered to find an empty spot to sit, the pair had ditzy smiles across their faces, and you could even see a hint of childish mischievousness.

“You won’t believe what Jaehyun here had in his suitcase,” your sister teased, both of her hands holding something behind her back. “Which was immaculately organized, by the way. But…” She pulled out a long rectangular box, and it took you a moment before you recognized that it was a Jenga tower. “Who the hell travels around with this thing?”

All four of them laughed at your sister’s presentation, and you felt like the odd one out for not having it in you to laugh along with them. Your sister plopped down in the space between Jaehyun and Mark, and began setting up the tower on the short coffee table that stood between the two couches.

“We might as well make use of it, right? You’re all playing,” she said. After that, it was mostly quiet as she finished working on it. It wasn’t plain wood like what you usually saw on TV, but instead with blocks tinted red and green.

“How about you go first?” You found your sister pointing at you excitedly. Now that she was guaranteed time spent together with everyone for at least the duration of one game, she was practically bouncing in her seat. And you knew perfectly well that she didn’t plan on letting it end after only one round.

“Let’s go!” Mark clapped, saying your name to hype you up.

You reached out and plucked an easy red block towards the top of the tower, which you were eager to set back on the very top to get everyone’s eyes off of you.

“Not so fast,” your sister said, finger twirling playfully in the air, urging you to pick the block back up. When you did, you noticed a line of small print on the underside of the block:

Whisper one of your deepest, darkest secrets to the person on your left.

Truth or dare. You never thought it was something that you would have to come across again as an adult. When participating was unavoidable, you had always defaulted to truths. But looking at it now, you concluded that the green blocks must be truth and the red ones must be dare. Although this one felt awfully a lot like both.

“Well?” She pushed, “read it aloud!”

“Whisper one of your deepest, darkest secrets to the person on your left,” you read, and Johnny perked up as he held his long hand up to his ear. Pathetically, your own hand shook as you leaned forward to set the block back.

“The darker the better,” Johnny winked at you.

“Oh. Well…” For starters, telling him anything personal was out of the question. What was something believable you could come up with on a whim? Finally, you leaned into him as close as you could get yourself to go (which wasn’t very close at all) and whispered “I cheated on my college final.”

“That’s all you got?” He feigned an expression of disbelief.

“That’s all I got.” You said, deflecting.

“You’re welcome to give us a dark secret of your own then, mister the darker the better,” your sister teased, earning a playful nudge from Jaehyun, who seemed to be enjoying driving Johnny into a corner.

“Oh, trust me, I have plenty,” Johnny’s tone was lighthearted, but your eyes met his and you caught that same look from before, lurking just beneath the surface. He didn’t look away, almost like he was pausing to savor your discomfort, so you broke eye contact first and cleared your throat.

“Mark, your turn.”

When you glanced up at Mark, you caught his eyes darting from you to Johnny. Too caught up in whatever was going on between you two, you had failed to notice that Mark was somehow under the same blanket of tension. Or at the very least, he was an observer. Had Johnny noticed?

Mark mirrored you in clearing his throat, then pushed a finger into a block towards the middle of the tower. A green one stuck out on the other side, and he reached around to take it. Truth.

“What is the most childish thing you still do?” He read.

“And try to limit it to one, kid,” Johnny stared ahead at Mark, his calculated smile delayed.

So he had noticed.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Mark said, although he was visibly trying to keep his tone light. Meanwhile, a laid-back Jaehyun still had his amused smile on as he watched Johnny. When Johnny didn’t comment, Mark moved past it and gave a half-baked answer to his prompt.

“Finally!” Your sister gave an exaggerated sigh, probably relieved to have the focus shifted away from Mark and Johnny’s strange tension. She went straight for a red block, picking out a dare. “Hm, dance with no music for one minute… See, no, that’s no way to treat the game master.”

“Game master?” Jaehyun echoed, grinning.

“Yep. You may be the landlord for packing the Jenga, but I dug the thing out, so I hereby officially declare myself game master. Everyone kneel—or actually, I’ll settle for some singing this time.”

Johnny held a conceding palm out to Jaehyun, who pondered for a moment before slipping into smooth singing. You weren’t surprised by how it sounded just as rich and smooth as his speaking voice did.

“I fall in love too easily,” he sang extra slowly, earning a smack on his shoulder from your sister for picking a ballad, followed by some passionate head-banging as she pretended to dance at a rock concert.

“I fall in love too fast,”—his voice broke at ‘fast’ as he held back his laughter—“I fall in love too terribly hard,”—it was getting harder for him to maintain his composure when Mark and Johnny didn’t share his reservations, with Mark clapping like a seal right next to him—”for love to ever last... Okay, okay, I think the minute is up. You’re gonna dislocate something.”

Out of breath, she flopped back down onto the couch, hands busy fixing her wild hair. “Your turn,” she panted to Jaehyun, “And don’t be lame. Dares only.”

“Okay, dare it is,” he laughed. Then proceeded to laugh even harder when he read out his dare. “Serenade the person of your choosing.”

Needless to say, of course your sister was serenaded twice in one night.

The game went on for a while, with Johnny, Jaehyun, and your sister routinely picking dares. The group would eventually get loud enough to warrant an occasional scowl from the old lady at the front desk, until it was late enough for her to call it a day and disappear into a door tucked away behind the counter.

Meanwhile, you and Mark had mostly stuck to truths, as the Jenga tower grew more and more unstable. It was Mark’s turn again when he picked yet another green block.

“Name one thing you’d do if you knew there would be zero consequences.” He read in a drowsy voice, going on to give a quick answer. “I don’t know, I guess I’d knock some snacks out of that vending machine. I don’t know why I said that, I wouldn’t actually do that. I really am getting kinda hungry, though…”

“Your mind went straight to burglary? You guys better watch your bags tonight,” Johnny said, and what you assumed was supposed to be a humorous jab came across a little too sharp-tongued. Everyone’s energy levels had been depleting over the past couple of hours spent on the lobby’s less than ideal couches.

“I’m sorry, do you have some kind of problem with me?” Mark retorted.

“I don’t know, should I?” Johnny said.

“Dude, if you have something to say to me, just say it.”

Your sister pushed herself off the couch. “Well, I’ll go use the bathroom until you guys figure this out like big boys.”

“Nice and condescending, yeah?” Johnny said, not bothering to look up at her as she retreated to their room.

Jaehyun hid his evident enjoyment long enough to hold both of his hands up and say “okay, guys, how about we take a break?”

“Nah, I’m good.” Johnny shot back, his face anything but. His demeanor was scarily calm throughout the entire exchange.

That cold atmosphere went on for the next few rounds. You hadn’t forgotten that you were merely attempting to get along with strangers you knew nothing about. Johnny with his two sides, all calculated smiles and concealed stares. Jaehyun with his eerily laid-back demeanor and strange enjoyment of the conflict. And Mark. You didn’t know what to think of him yet.

With the added tension, you stopped trying to look up at any of them.

Before you knew it, it was your turn again. Would this cursed game ever end? So far, you had exclusively picked truths and lied your way through all of them. Your eyes scanned the tower over several times, before you gave up finding a green block that was stable enough. You picked your second dare of the night, this time voluntarily.

Let the group look through your phone for one minute.

A whole host of reasons rushed through your mind at how bad of an idea that was. At the very least, they would know that the only contact on your phone was your sister. You had virtually no pictures, and no apps. Everything pointed to your ghost-like life, so empty and unremarkable that it was practically a burner phone.

“Well?” Jaehyun said.

“I don’t want to do this one.”

“It can’t be that bad, can it?” Johnny asked.

“She just told you she’s not comfortable with whatever it is, though.” Mark spoke up, having mostly kept his silence for the past few rounds.

Johnny reached for the block in your hand, and your body flinched involuntarily, the block flying out of your hand and skidding across the floor.

“Whoa,” Johnny hung back, “I’m sorry. I wasn’t gonna do anything.”

“I think you’re scaring her, Johnny.” Jaehyun said, his voice ominously quiet. Was there a hint of a smile in his voice? Were you imagining things?

“Am I?”

No one said anything for what felt like a long moment, until finally, as if on queue, your sister was back in the lobby.

“What did I miss?” She said, entirely missing the atmosphere of the room.

Johnny reached forward and tugged one of the legs the tower was supporting itself on. The entire thing came crashing down.

“Oh.” She stopped midway, hovering awkwardly next to them. “Okay then.”

“Good night.” Johnny said, getting up and giving you a brief pat on the head, before slowly making his way back to their room. Your scalp felt like pop rocks as you watched him walk away.

* * *

It was past midnight. Now it was just the two of you again, along with Mark. Your sister was sleeping soundly next to you, her head on your shoulder.

Mark was still awake on the couch across from you, but he was back to sitting quietly in the corner and avoiding eye contact. Save for the occasional accidental eye contact with you, which he responded to by sending a small smile your way before going back to aimlessly staring away.

His hands were curled around the warm thermos your sister had given him earlier. He set it down when the owner’s cat sauntered towards him, and patted his lap for it to come up. It deliberated for a moment, then jumped and curled up on him as he stroked it.

Your mind couldn’t help but go back to your interaction with Johnny, running it over in your head again and again until you had positively squeezed the life out of it. One minute he was cold and calculated, and the next he was the gentlemanly romantic lead. Or at least he knew how to make people perceive him that way.

You shivered—the weather was getting colder.

“Mm?” Your sister looked up at you, eyes barely able to open.

“It’s nothing, go to sleep,” you reassured her, then took the chance to get up now that her head was no longer resting on you.

The front desk was empty now, but you attempted to ring the bell on the counter anyway. A while of waiting made you accept that no one was coming. It was probably safe to assume the old lady ran this place by herself, and was most likely asleep by now.

You needed to go to the bathroom. A quick look around led you to a door with a sheet of paper taped to it, reading “Staff Only.” You twisted the doorknob, your guilt a second priority right now. Locked.

It might have been the hope of almost finding a bathroom, but suddenly your mild need for it turned into a more urgent one. You looked around some more, before cursing under your breath and going up the narrow staircase that led up to the rooms.

To your surprise, the hallway was very short. It was even darker than the lobby, so you gave your eyes some time to adjust. There were only three doors, the one in the center had a brass number 2 on it, and was right across from the staircase.

We’re in room two, if you change your mind, Johnny’s captivating voice played in your mind for what felt like the hundredth time. Feeling your heartbeat speed up again, you took deep breaths and willed yourself to calm down. The other rooms were under repair, but maybe their bathrooms weren’t.

First, you attempted to open the door with the brass 1 on it, but it didn’t budge. Then the one with the brass 3, but that one wouldn’t open either.

You clenched your fists and cursed your terrible luck. Would they even be awake?

After a lengthy struggle, consisting of an internal argument about whether you’d rather ask them for help or go out into the nearby wilderness in the middle of a storm, you knocked on the door of the second room.

As you waited, you glanced back down the stairs behind you, your eyes searching for your sister. She was now lying down on the couch, breathing deeply…

The door springing open made you jump, and Jaehyun was positively beaming in the center of the door frame. Following a quick scan, his smile faltered when he realized your sister wasn’t in tow.

He looked like he had just showered, his hair damp again, and his skin glowing. Johnny was stretched out on the bed behind him, awake.

“Welcome,” Jaehyun said, picking his spirit back up. “Did you change your mind?”

“No, but would you mind if I use your bathroom?” You died a little on the inside.

“Of course not, come in,” he made way for you, and you abandoned your last remaining shred of dignity as you sprinted to what you assumed was the bathroom. Jaehyun giggled behind you before you closed the door and finally got some privacy.

Despite being done, you stalled going back out, probably out of dread. You supposed it was in your favor that the bathroom was by far the cleanest place in the entirety of this pit stop. A quick look around told you that Johnny and Jaehyun were comfortably settled in. An electric shaver was strewn on the counter, and a travel-sized toothpaste tube lay feebly next to the sink, almost all used up. Peppermint.

Finally, you took a deep breath and opened the door. You were immediately met with Johnny, who was leaning on the wall by the bathroom, not even an arm’s length away. Behind him, Jaehyun was nowhere to be seen, and the door leading out of the room was closed.

Momentarily dizzied from the blood rushing to your head, you took a step back to create some distance.

He smiled sweetly, “the storm sure is taking a while to settle down. Where were you two on your way to, again?”

“Just a short trip. They’re expecting us back at work tomorrow.” You lied, knowing full well there was no one there who would notice your absence, save for your sister.

“Oh, you two work together? Jaehyun and I work together too, actually.”

His eyes watched you patiently as you flipped imaginary pages in your head, scrambling for something normal to say next. You felt like it would be the polite thing to do to continue the conversation, but your heart was beating too fast for that, which made you that much more nervous and jittery. Johnny seemed to be enjoying your visible anxiety. You weren’t sure if it was your imagination that his smile was getting wider. Something about it wasn’t so sweet anymore.

“I should get back. To the lobby, I mean. Thanks again.” He didn’t lock the door, did he? The nausea was creeping back up.

You speed-walked to the door like you used to do when you were little, when you were alone in the dark and scared of whatever thing that might snatch you and drag you away before you reached the light. You could only feel fear. Fear of how powerless you felt about everything.

It felt much longer than it should’ve but you reached the door. The hair on your neck stood and your breath quickened. You turned the knob, and it swung open.

In a hasty moment, you tripped at the first step of the stairs, and a big arm grabbed you around your waist. You could see Johnny’s profile in your peripheral vision, curling down for his cheek to meet the side of your head, slow breaths against your ear. His chest rose and fell gently against your back; he was holding on so tightly.

He felt like a solid wall, and you knew it was impossible for you to get away unless he was the one who chose to let go of you. He alone should’ve been able to pull up the car roof with ease.

“Back when we were playing that game,” he said, his voice so low you could barely hear it, “did you feel like I was gonna hurt you?”

What was he saying? You left his words unanswered as you were still engulfed by your silence.

From here, you could see that your sister was still sleeping peacefully, and Mark had his head turned away. Nevertheless, just having your sister in your sight helped soothe your nerves. That feeling was fleeting as Johnny spoke his next sentence.

“Are you scared of me?”

Trapped in what felt like an iron embrace, you opened your mouth but you still couldn’t make any noise come out. Some hunch or instinct, or maybe just pure chance, must’ve been what made Mark’s head turn your way out of nowhere.

He was staring for a while with an expression that told you he wasn’t quite sure what he was looking at. His eyes must’ve finally adjusted to the darkness of the hallway, because he suddenly got up, making the cat on his lap scuttle away offended.

“Dude, what are you doing?”

The entire building let out a groan, and whatever dim lights were there all blinked out simultaneously, plunging you into complete darkness. Johnny held on for a few more seconds before finally letting go. You ran down the steps without looking back.

Mark called your name, his voice alarmed, “is everything alright?”

Your throat was still squeezed shut, as you walked into something and stumbled in the dark until you felt your way to the couch your sister was on. Your hands found her sleeping from, and you shook her awake.

“Get up, we’re leaving,” finally finding your voice, you spoke sternly. She was still in a daze and clearly confused.

“Wha- what? What?”

“We’re leaving. I’m gonna call us a ride, I just need you to be awake with me,” you stammered. Your sister sat upright, most likely still processing.

Mark’s voice spoke up. “It’s pitch black outside, the roads around here aren’t lit very well. Did something happen? Are you okay?”

You couldn’t put it into words. The familiar dread that built up in your gut.

At this point, you just wanted to go home and shut yourself in again.

You ignored Mark, and ruffled through your bag for your phone. You went through every corner of it four times, your heart sinking deeper with each try. “My phone is gone. Where’s my phone?”

Without waiting for a reply, you tossed your bag aside and felt around for your sister’s this time. Also gone.

“Wait, mine’s not there either? That’s weird…” Your sister went through hers again for good measure, her voice thick with sleep. “Do you think we left them in the car?”

“No, I always have mine on me.” Something suddenly occurred to you. “I was awake the whole time, wasn’t I?”

You felt your sister shrug next to you. Hesitantly, Mark answered instead, saying “I don’t know, you both kinda drifted off at some point.”

“And you? You were awake?” You pushed.

“I was, yeah. I went to check on my Vespa for a second.” You couldn’t quite grasp what it was, but something was off about Mark’s voice.

Paranoia now had you firmly in its grip. You decided it was best to watch your words until you could see again. But you couldn’t stop a wave of helplessness from washing over you, making your limbs go cold.

“Could we borrow your phone, maybe?” You asked Mark. One final attempt.

“Oh, man, I sent it for repairs this weekend,” Mark said, apologetic. Why did his voice sound like that?

“Let’s go.” Resolute, you grabbed your sister’s arm and attempted to head towards the exit.

“Just give me a minute!” She said, releasing her hand from yours. “You go on and get the car started, okay?”

You hesitated, before making up your mind and following the only source of light, out into the storm.

The rain immediately battered down on you, and if you thought it was cold in the lobby then this was absolutely freezing. You could only barely make out the silhouettes of the parked cars.

If you just turned on the headlights all the way, the two of you could probably drive through the dark. And if you kept moving, the rain wouldn’t bother you. You had the keys ready in your hands, and you were grateful that at least they were still in your sister’s bag. Maybe you really did forget your phones in the car, after all.

But something was squirming in your gut, making your stomach do desperate flips as you jumped into the driver’s seat, slamming the door behind you.

You slid the key in the ignition and turned. Nothing. Not even the sound of the engine trying to start. The sounds of the howling wind and heavy rain carried on.

Reaching for the glove compartment, your hands found the flashlight, and a weak beam of light pierced its way through the darkness. You stepped out of the car, wrapping your other arm around yourself to stop from shaking. When the hood of your car was open and you shined the light at its interior, you doubted your eyes.

The battery was gone.

You were just silent. Your own worse fears coming into realization right before your eyes. After what felt like a second and an eternity of staring down at the empty spot in the hood, you felt a light touch on your arm when your sister joined you by your side. She looked exhausted, her breathing heavy. Calling over the storm, she said, “should we ask them if they can do something about this?”

Your head snapped to her in bewilderment. Could you be wrong? You doubted yourself for a second, but then got a grip back. There was no other explanation. You were stuck here, and it was too late to speak up. The words collided into themselves and were left mangled somewhere in your throat. But you had to say something, anything.

“Listen,” you started, and she looked at you attentively, concern clouding her face, “I think—”

“Is something wrong?” A voice spoke up from behind you. Jaehyun. Again.

“We were just talking about you!” Your sister chimed. “Take a look at this. Think someone stole it?”

You were dumbfounded as he leaned in between the two of you to take a closer look at the car’s contents.

“Mmm,” he didn’t look very surprised. He turned to your sister and said “we can give you a ride tomorrow morning. You might need to get it towed.”

“Okay... I can barely hear you. Let’s go inside?” She turned to you. Your face must’ve looked terrible because she did a slight double take and put her hand on your shoulder. “Come on.”

Shining the flashlight ahead, the three of you walked back to the rest stop.

When you were back inside, Mark was gone.

* * * *

At least an hour must’ve went by until Johnny was back. He didn’t acknowledge anyone as he came in, just silently sauntering past the lobby. He was completely soaked again from head to toe. Drops of dark water trailed behind him as he made his way back to their room.

You resolved that you would find a way to take your sister and leave any way you could. Maybe you would find a way to take their car. They were only human, they had to sleep sometime.

For now, Jaehyun was still in the lobby with the both of you.

“You don’t think he took our car battery and our phones, do you?” She was talking about Mark. Your sister was sitting next to Jaehyun and mostly addressed him, since she hadn’t gotten a word out of you after you failed to leave. Having Jaehyun hovering around took away any of your will to speak up.

“He didn’t seem like the type…” She trailed off, still thinking about Mark.

The night felt longer, probably because of the changing seasons, but it might as well still have been midnight. You lost track of how much time was going by and doubted yourself when you remembered that this has all been just one long day. The power was still out. You had the flashlight off to conserve its battery.

Down the hall, you heard the room open, and after a minute you felt the cushions next to you gently sink with a familiar weight.

“I found some candles and lit them in our room,” Johnny’s voice spoke up. You could only see his outline and features like a hazy dream. You avoided looking at his face. You were too tired.

There was a soft, dancing reddish light coming from their room now. Gently, Johnny spoke again. “It’s too dark out here, isn’t it? Let’s go inside.”

Your sister shifted, and you noticed for the first time how close she had been sitting to Jaehyun. Were they holding hands? You didn’t know if your mind was playing tricks on you. She got up before your eyes could decide what they were looking at.

“I need to wash up,” she said, sounding just as tired as you felt. Getting up, you followed her to their room. You couldn’t care less if you looked completely unhinged, sitting on the floor right in front of the bathroom door after she closed it.

“You two are so close,” Johnny spoke though the dark, face hidden in the shadows cast by the candle light. You still refused to look up at him, but you could hear the tone of amity. The candles on the night stand behind him exaggerated the size of his shadow and made it dance over you.

“You look tired,” his voice was gentle, surreal, “get some rest.”

You hugged your knees closer to your chest, fighting to keep your eyes open. The sound of the water running in the bathroom was steady. Your eyes kept rolling back into your head, and you kept dragging them back into focus…

But they were so unfocused…

And the steady stream of the shower ran…

And everything swayed in the candle light…

Everything swam…

and the water ran…

and ran…

You dreamed that Johnny was carrying you and wading through a crimson sea. Gently. Gently.

You were floating in crimson.

Or was he the one floating?

Daylight. Your body woke up with a jolt, eyes snapping open. The first thing that screamed out at you was how incredibly sore your body was. It must’ve been from all the tension that you had built up. You were curled up on your side, holding your own body close.

Small mountains of white sheets were piled up around you, and strips of sunlight draped over the bed and made their way to your skin. It was so silent; last night’s storm almost felt like a distant dream.

Moving excruciatingly slow, you lifted your head and looked around. Your heart hammering in your chest when you saw that Johnny was sleeping over in the other bed, his large frame rising and falling slowly with each breath.

The bathroom door was open, and you could see from here that it was empty, too. It was only the two of you in this room.

Logically, you knew that there was still a possibility that Jaehyun and your sister chose to sleep on the couches outside. But there was a pit in your stomach that crippled you. It made it hard to move. Hard to think.

As quietly as you had it in you to move, you left the bed. The cold floor against your feet made you notice for the first time that you were barefoot. Good. With quiet footsteps, you made your way to the bathroom to double-check. The floor was wet under your feet, like someone had walked in from the lobby straight to the bathroom not that long ago.

But just like you suspected, it was empty. The curtains drawn shut over the bathtub caught your eyes, but one look at the material told you that it would be too noisy to try and move it right now. It was too quiet for anyone to be sleeping there, anyway.

You turned back towards the bedroom door, taking glances behind you to make sure Johnny was still asleep. You didn’t take your eyes off of him as your hand gripped the doorknob and turned it. It opened without resistance, and you peeked outside at the lobby past the staircase. Empty.

Trying to slow your breaths and breathe more quietly only proved to make things worse for you. It was as though you were running out of air. Before you could give your brain more time to panic, despite your overwhelming instinct to just run out and start calling for your sister, you walked back towards Johnny, who looked so peaceful in his sleep that your own panicked state was almost laughable.

At this point, you must’ve gone out of your mind, because suddenly you found yourself fighting the urge to laugh. You were hysterical. You had to stop and put your hands over your face, as your body shook with silent laughter, but tears started to stream down your face.

Thoughts of your sister were racing through your mind. Maybe she really was cuddling up to Jaehyun last night. Maybe they went somewhere together. Maybe she thought she’d be back before you woke up.

But you knew deep down that she wouldn’t leave you behind. You were so convinced of that, that any what ifs you tried to feed to your worry, to keep it from consuming you, just felt forced.

You knew she wouldn’t leave you because she knew how fragile you were after what happened last year. You were so fragile, you saw everything through the lens of a horror movie. With your own little cast of strangers.

Something caught the light just outside of your line of vision, halting your chaotic train of thought. Your hands wiped away any tears that lingered on your eyelashes so you could see more clearly. There, carelessly tossed away on the nightstand by his bed, a set of keys were reflecting the sunlight. Among them was a car key.

Well, if you really were crazy, then you might as well see where it led you.

The closer you came to Johnny, the harder it was to breathe. Until you couldn’t bear to do anything but hold your breath. Finally, when the keys were within your reach, your hand closed around them. There was only the slightest sound of scraping against the wood of the nightstand.

With no time for you to worry about the sound the keys had just produced, Johnny’s hand shot up and grabbed your wrist. But it didn’t stop. His grip got tighter and tighter until the ends of his fingers yellowed, and your hand shook and dropped the keys with a clatter. Even so, he didn’t release his grip.

“Where were you gonna go?” He spoke slowly.

“It depends—where’s my sister?” You shot back, voice shaking.

He laughed quietly. He had a gentle laugh. Finally letting go of your wrist, his hand instead brushed through his hair. “I told her you might get worried. You must’ve gotten a scare… Sorry about that.”

You turned to him with an inquisitive look, hanging onto his words. He looked sleepy and relaxed, his hair tousled. Not like someone who almost broke your wrist less than a minute ago.

“Jaehyun told me about all our phones going missing, and your car battery. That Mark might’ve made away with them or something. He and your sister went to pick up a new one.” He explained. And as you listened, your heart sank.

“Okay. Please take me to her, then.”

“You know, I think they wouldn’t have minded some time alone, too,” he chuckled, “but sure, if you’re so worried. I’ll take you.”

Passing through the lobby, you noticed the old lady was back at the front desk. Were you brave enough to finally say something? Everything in your body screamed at you not to, straining your muscles into place.

Your heartbeat quickened, and you used any strength you had left and turned to approach her. Before you could go on, you felt Johnny’s hand hold onto your upper arm and pull you closer, wrapping you into a hug by his side.

“Let’s not waste any time,” he whispered, and held on as he led you all the way out of the rest stop. He only let go of you when you were in the shadow cast by his giant car.

The day you stopped for the car picnic, you had parked farther away on the left side of it, but as you approached the other side of his car this time, you saw what had been obscured by the SUV. A turquoise Vespa came into view.

Mark’s.

Seeing it sent goosebumps down your back and up your neck, but you dragged yourself away. You couldn’t afford to comment on it right now, not to Johnny. You would talk to your sister when you saw her…

A sting creeping into your eyes warned you of incoming tears, but you blinked them away rapidly, not ready to face a possible reality. When you saw your sister, you would tell her everything you had on your mind and you wouldn’t care who might be listening in.

Johnny was making his way to the driver’s side when you spoke up abruptly, before you could help yourself. “One more thing?”

“What is it?”

“I just want to get something from the car. My sister’s car.”

“Go ahead,” he leaned an arm over the car roof as he waited for you.

In the trunk, a few thermos flasks were stacked neatly to the side, with small labels taped to them, reading “12” and “24” and “48.” Your sister had always been meticulous when it came to packing. This would be all you had of her with your right now. You found the one labeled with the number twelve, and hugged it close to your chest. Twelve would do.

For now, you walked with your own two feet right to what felt like your doom, and hoisted yourself up into his car. A second after you got in, all the locks snapped shut.

* * * * *

He drove with the two of you in silence for a while, his eyes focused on the road, one hand on the steering wheel. You were getting farther and farther away from the rest stop, in a stranger’s car, your sister nowhere in sight.

Reality finally crashed into your chest like an icy wave. The tears you were holding back fell down your cheeks, making your chest heave in small, irregular breaths.

Incoherent thoughts raced through your head, and you started hyperventilating, your seemingly never-ending tears threatening to choke you.

“Hey, hey,” Johnny reached his other hand out, the one that wasn’t on the steering wheel, and brushed his long fingers against your face, lulling you, “deep breaths. In… out… that’s right. Just like that. In… out…”

Your rattled breathing slowed, your mind halted.

He didn’t turn your way once, his cold stare on the road, face expressionless. But his voice was gentle. Effortlessly soothing. If you looked hard enough at his face, maybe you could find something you wanted to find. Maybe it wasn’t cold. Maybe he was just tired.

“What are you so afraid of? You’re safe. Everything’s going to be okay.”

He sounded so reassuring that for a long moment you doubted that anything out of the ordinary had happened today. Maybe you were just imagining everything. Maybe your isolation had finally gotten to you.

You were glad someone kind like Johnny was here to look after you.

Taking his outstretched hand into your own, you nestled your face into his palm and closed your eyes.

“Good girl,” he said.

That was the last thing he said for a while.

Hours must have passed by the time you realized you had fallen asleep out of exhaustion. Orange hues now stretched across the sky in broad strokes, clouds almost dissipated. Next to you, Johnny was still silently driving, soaked in the orange light. Everything was so saturated, it looked like a painting.

“How did Jaehyun leave without his car?” You asked, your voice coming out small.

“This is my car,” Johnny said. “But we came with two. I told you, we work together.”

“Oh.” Somehow, the more time you spent with them, the more you didn’t have it in you to know more about them. Ask about their life or what they did for a living.

“You know, I had this car modified. It’s sound proof. And bullet proof, even.”

“Hm.”

The silence was strangely comfortable now. You closed your eyes and leaned your head back on the headrest.

“You cold?” He asked.

“No.” You said, your hands unconsciously pulling in his jacket tighter around your frame. “I never thanked you for giving me your jacket… Here. I want you to have this,” you handed him the warm thermos. The last thing you had of your sister’s.

Somehow, you felt like everything would be okay. Just like he said it would be. He gave a grateful smile and took slow mouthfuls from the flask, as you watched the sun outline him through his window.

The trees that were scattered more sparsely before now gathered into denser bunches the farther along the road he drove. Before you knew it, you were driving into the middle of a forest thick with pine trees. The car rocked left and right underneath you as the ground grew wilder. At some point, all directions started looking identical.

Eventually, the car slowed into a stop and he cut the engine. You were surrounded by nothing but trees, in what seemed like the middle of nowhere. “Get out,” Johnny said, not looking your way.

The silent bubble you were in was broken by a rush of cold wind when he opened his own door, stepping out. Following him out into the forest, the smell of pine twined with the cold air seeped into your lungs. The silence was only broken by the sound of Johnny’s and your shoes against the vegetation.

Your body felt so heavy with sleep, it only exaggerated your dream-like state of mind. The orange light of the sunset warmed you to your core. You were the calmest you’ve been in a very long time, as you followed him deeper and deeper into the forest.

“Where are we?” Your own voice sounded jarring against the silence.

“Jaehyun likes it here. It’s quiet, and there are no eyes around. I’m just making a guess that they made a stop here.”

The trees parted and the sea revealed itself for the first time. It had been years since you were this close to it, and the air coming through over the water felt nice on your face.

Johnny had stopped walking ahead of you, and you were now the one in the lead. You stopped as soon as you got to the edge of the water, staring down at the crimson ripples.

There was a trail in the sand that looked awfully a lot like something heavy had been dragged away, back towards the thick of the trees.

“Why are we here, Johnny?”

Johnny’s arms reached around from behind you, slowly, wrapping you into a snake-like embrace, his broad hands curling around your frame. His movement was tentative, like he was giving you a chance to pull away.

It was quiet for a while before either of you said anything.

“Back when we were playing that game,” he repeated, before stopping to recollect his thoughts, and starting again, “look, I know I haven’t known you for long. But this whole time, I was watching you, you know.”

“It’s just… Something about you seems off,” he continued, “You’re scared of everything. And there’s the way you walk all folded into yourself… I wasn’t sure at first. I thought maybe you were just having a bad day. Then I thought maybe that guy Mark was bothering you or something. Until you flinched at me like I was gonna hurt you.”

For the first time, nerves were evident in his voice, “like… I don’t know, like that’s something you’re used to. Like you’re in trouble… Or you’re trying to hide from it.” He paused to take a shaky breath, his words dripping with uncertainty, his voice odd. Just like Mark’s had been.

“You seemed like you’ve been trying to say something these past couple of days. No one is around here right now, you can talk to me. Whatever is going on with you, I think I can help.”

You kept your eyes ahead of you, watching the sea. There was nothing you could say or do now. You understood now that last year’s events had their claws on you too deep to shake off. You were a haunted house.

Like how he had been holding you back at the corridor, his embrace lingered. But this time, he let it linger indefinitely. It was comfortable.

You don’t know how long the two of you just stood there in silence. Over time, his grip loosened just a little but kept hold. Then it loosened more, until it completely slipped away from you. There was a loud thud behind you when he hit the ground, but you didn’t turn around. Caught on watching the crimson ripples for a moment longer.

You still had twelve hours.

That would be enough.

When you finally turned around to face his slumped body, your eyes didn’t go up to scan the forest. Instead, you trained all of your focus on Johnny, because you knew everything counted on these next coming moments. Because you couldn’t let things end like they did last time.

Getting down on your knees, you pushed his heavy body until he was flat on his back. Then you put your hands around his neck and squeezed.

You knew how hard you needed to do it to cut off someone’s air supply. How long you needed to keep it cut off until it was too late. So you knew your limits perfectly well, and how to do it just enough to be convincing. Just enough not to really hurt him.

And when your hands finally withdrew from his neck, you stayed perfectly frozen in place, not moving a muscle or making a sound until you could make sure that he was drawing the shallowest of breaths again.

Finally, your hands roamed his pockets until you found his car key. Your grip wrapped around it tightly.

A rustle and the crunching of leaves told you that your spectator had finally come out of hiding. The crunching stopped as your sister walked onto the sand of the small beach. She was scanning your face carefully. In her hand, a long metallic baseball bat.

“I almost thought you wouldn’t be able to do it.” She said, proud.

“You told me I would develop a taste for it sooner or later.”

“And I guess I was right, huh,” she teased, nothing different from the usual way she spoke. She didn’t let go of the baseball bat as she raced towards you and drew you into a big hug. “I’m so proud of you. I can’t believe it’s finally happening! We’ll be so good together!”

Your body tensed up, and she withdrew to look at your face. “Something wrong?”

“No! No. I’m just… tired.” You pulled her back into the hug, spinning your bodies ever so subtly. Shifting her view away from Johnny.

“You’re acting weird. Are you mad at me?” She said.

“Why would I be mad at you?”

“You could barely stand looking at me after last time.”

You mustered up everything in you to stop your voice from wavering. “Because it was my first time ever seeing anything like that. There was… so much blood. There was so much blood on you, I would see it again in my mind every time I looked at you.”

She drew away from you again to give you an understanding look, before saying “Well, now you can do things your own way. No blood. Right?”

“Right.”

“We’re in this together, right?” She beamed at you. You nodded in a silent reply.

“You’re avoiding my eyes again,” her face dropped into a cold stare almost instantly.

“I’m not… I told you, I’m just tired. I wanna go home.”

“I know I promised we wouldn’t do anything this time… But you know I can’t keep doing this alone. It just doesn’t feel the same. We’ve always done everything else together, and I wanted you to finally accept this side of me.

"You accept it now, don’t you? You just did it, too. You just killed someone! We’re the same now,” her eyes were shining as she kept filling the silence. “How did it feel?”

“It felt… It- it felt,” you stuttered, “I was the most scared I’ve ever been in my life. I want to go home now. Please?” You felt the urge to throw up, which you held down by swallowing your bitter saliva repeatedly.

Thoughts of Jaehyun and Mark weighed heavy on your mind, and thoughts of what she would do if she noticed Johnny’s shallow breaths made your body start shaking out of your control.

“Wow, you’re really taking this hard. Shhh,” she held you to her side, supporting you back into the woods, “it’s okay. It’s okay…”

“Is Jaehyun here? Is he somewhere in this forest?”

“He is.” Her reply was curt.

“And Mark?”

“Poor baby…” she cooed like she was talking about a wounded puppy, “he followed me right out into the storm. So eager to help. After I was done with him, he had to spend the night out in the rain. I had to lay his body in the bathtub the morning after, early enough while you were all sleeping.”

“Oh.” Bathtub… Bathtub…

You left her with him. Why did you leave?

“Anyway, we’ll need to actually go get a battery now. I don’t think the one I took out is usable anymore.”

“Hm.”

“Which car do you wanna take back? I got Jaehyun’s keys. It’s a pretty nice car. He had good taste in music, too.”

Had… You were the one who agreed to stay at the rest stop.

And it cost two people their lives.

Your step faltered. “Johnny’s.”

She side-eyed you, “you’re talkative. Okay then, lead the way.”

It felt as though your blood had entirely escaped your body by the time you were back by the car. The keys were clutched so tightly in your hand that you wouldn’t have been surprised if they drew blood. You doubted that you would’ve felt it right now.

“Can I drive?” You asked.

“Ooh. Are you sure?”

“I think so.”

She gave you a proud look once again, and she threw the baseball bat into the car before she finally got into the passenger seat. You, on the other hand, had been pretending to circle around to the driver’s side after having used the remote control key to activate the locks. Ten more seconds before deadlock would be activated.

Nine… You walked as slowly as you could, but not slow enough to draw any suspicion.

Eight… What would happen to her if you turned her in?

Seven… What would happen to Johnny if you didn’t? And every other person after?

Six… She said she wanted you two to be together. You would be. You were just as guilty.

Five… You were positive that these were the longest ten seconds of your life. Everything seemed to move in slow motion.

Four… Your eyes betrayed you as they stole a worried glance at her.

Three… She held your eyes for a moment, before you watched a slow change in her expression.

Two… Her eyes went wide, realization dawning on her face. She lunged at the door, and—

One.

You couldn’t hear her screams as she thrashed at the door handle, shouting something at you. Then, all at once, she stopped. There was a crazed expression on her face as she pulled out her baseball bat. She waved at you before pointing at it, giving you a wild smile.

Your heart sank. Your knees weakened under you and made you slump to the ground like a rag doll, using your arms to brace yourself against the soil of the forest.

It was over.

You had ruined everything.

Of course it wouldn’t have worked.

You betrayed her.

What were you thinking?

She swung the bat at the window by the passenger’s seat, and you couldn’t do anything but watch in stunned silence as she bounced right against the glass. Coming back for a more charged swing than the one before it, she bounced back as harshly as she had swung.

And then you remembered why you couldn’t hear her screams one bit from out here. Johnny had modified the car. It was soundproof. Bulletproof.

You scampered away from the car, your legs still refusing to carry you. She wasn’t giving up, baseball bat bouncing off the glass over and over again. When she finally stopped, staring into your eyes like an animal whose leg got caught in a bear trap, your heart hammered so loudly that it was all you could hear.

Please, she mouthed at you.

She was bargaining.

You weren’t sure which stage weighed heavier on you, this or the anger from earlier. She dropped the bat and splayed both of her hands against the glass.

Her eyes were so wide, so scared, that you had to fight the urge to run back to her and unlock the door. She was all you had. Your sister, your best friend. You only had each other.

But you knew that more than anything you could give her, she needed help. And you needed help. If you went on living like this for any longer, you were sure you would only lose your mind more and more. That was if you hadn’t already lost it.

You took a deep breath and looked her squarely in the eyes, then you shook your head no.

Her face broke down into a silent sob as she slapped her hands at the unmoving glass. Crying for the freedom she knew she had just lost. Grieving for it.

Then you were reminded that the stages of grief weren’t always linear. Because just as quickly, she was back to anger, and your hand went up over your mouth as you watched her bang her head against the glass.

Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang.

Maybe she was hoping you would let her out before she hurt herself too much. And then it dawned on you that this wasn’t anger. This was really just her final bargain.

You couldn’t do anything but sob quietly to yourself as you watched your sister. Before long, she grew sloppier and swayed against the glass until she finally gave out and collapsed.

Turning away, you walked back to where you had left Johnny, and followed the trail you had spotted earlier in the sand. Where it looked like someone had been dragged away.

Surely enough, Jaehyun was at the end of that trail, propped up under one of the thicker trees. His face was pale and peaceful, his back leaning against the tree as though he were sleeping. Your movements stuttered as you approached him.

Getting a grip on either side of his face, you pulled him forward. One look at the back of his head was enough to tell you that it was too late for him. You cried for the lives ruined and lost because of one reckless decision.

The more your adrenaline tapered off, the more your muscles reminded you of how sore you were, and the more the hammering of your headache increased. What now?

Call the police? None of you had your phones.

Drive back to the rest stop and do it from there? Your sister had the keys to Jaehyun’s car. The thought of unlocking the car and attempting to get the keys from her unconscious body spiked a horrible fear in you that you couldn’t possibly face right now.

Getting on your knees next to Johnny, you lied down on the sand and watched him as he slept.

You wondered if his neck would bruise, and whether he would be as sore as you were when he woke up.

You wondered how many hours were left until the sedative from the flask weakened in his system.

You wondered what he would do when he finally woke up.

You wondered about what kind of person he was, and whether he would still help you after he found out how much trouble you were really in.

When you noticed the first signs of his understanding, you were nothing short of terrified. The past year felt incredibly lonely. But the thought of someone finding out about the burden you carried was frightening.

You had never taken a life, but you were there when your sister did—and you were too damaged to say anything about it. All you had in you to do was shut yourself away from the world and live the life of someone who had died a year ago.

And as you wondered many things, your eyelids grew heavy. From here, it almost looked like Johnny was floating on the surface of the crimson sea. So you watched him and watched him until you couldn’t anymore.

This work is fictional and for entertainment purposes only, but is licensed and protected under a creative commons attribution-noncommercial-noderivatives 4.0 international license. Any instances of plagiarism will be dealt with accordingly. Do not re-post or translate without my permission.

#nct #nct 127 #nct x reader #sfw #johnny suh #johnny x reader #johnny fic #nct fanfic #nct scenarios #nct imagines #nct thriller #nct horror #nct angst #johnny scenarios #johnny imagines #johnny suh angst #my first fanfic #new to tumblr

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whosafraidofmarklee · 2 years

Text

about you

pairings: photographer! johnny/ arthistorian! reader

genre: established relationship, loads of fluff but also angst...

summary: johnny has successfully opened his first solo photography exhibition. however, he is secretly hoping for someone to walk through the gallery doors all day. intertwined with love from five years ago, his photographs speak louder than words.

wc: 6250 words

a/n:

hey all!!!! here's a wee bit of a johnny fic heavily inspired by the 1975's new song, about you. that song is so good it got me weeping for days as i concocted this story in my head. enjoy, don't cry :')

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"Aren't you excited?" the curator beams, patting his fuzzy felt blazer down, composing himself.

Johnny turns his head toward the dimmed gallery behind him, the frame reflections catching the glimpses of streetlights outside. Each photograph sits nicely on the wall, proud and tall, waiting for visitors to be voyeurs into his life. He purses his lips, letting out a small "Yeah" before turning round and heading out the steps.

"Get ample sleep, alright! It's your big day tomorrow - your grand opening. I am telling you, everyone would be buzzing over your photographs. They hold so much emotions, that's precisely why I chose you," the curator closes the door behind him and spins back toward Johnny. "Be proud of yourself, your exhibition is going to be spectacular."

"Thank you so much, I appreciate it, really. I'll see you tomorrow then?" Johnny turned his heel and waved a short goodbye before speed-walking to his car. He could not take it anymore, all this holding it in.

He sits at the driver's seat and shuts his eyes. Finally, some peace and quiet after a whole month of crazy preparations. His chest expands and contracts, the warmth of his breath countering the frigid weather he just walked through. He gathers himself, or so he thinks.

"Yeah, Johnny. You'll be alright. It's your big day tomorrow, don't fuck it up," he whispers to himself.

As he places his hand on the wheel, his eyes flutter open. Under the starless winter sky, the amber streetlights embrace the white flurries falling aimlessly. One, two and suddenly, a whole gust of them make their descent onto Johnny's car. His eyes trail the flurries’ every move as they softly land on his windshield, eyes capturing the delicate intricacies of the snowflake before it begins to fade away into nothing.

In the tiny gaps of the melting snowflakes, he saw her again.

—

“So what is your new years resolution, my love?" she giggles as she wraps their thick, Rudolph-printed blanket around her body.

Johnny catches her gaze and smiles back tenderly. She looked absolutely marvellous, her hair falling all over the place having just woken up. Their curtains are fully opened, revealing the expansive city below them while the winter sun breaches its way into their abode and whose light finds refuge on her hair, illuminating her figure. He watches as she goes back to scribbling her goals onto her tattered journal, occasionally looking up and whispering to herself to perfectly articulate her desires.

“To keep loving you, of course," he replies after awhile.

“Don't be ridiculous, i already know that," she puts her pen down and reaches towards him, "we are going to be by each other's side forever and ever and ever. That's our eternal january 1 wish."

He leans forward and gives her a quick kiss, lingering over her lips as she pulls away. He does not have to look, he feels her lips curve into the same smile he fell in love with 4 years ago, the moment he walked into his introduction to art history class and saw her sitting at the end of the room. He knew from then on out, she would be etched into his life for years to come.

“Well… since it is our last year of college, I was thinking of doing a year long project where I document the events that make me feel tumultuous emotions. Sort of like cataloguing my life…into photographs…as photographers do….” Johnny finally answers her question and trails off, his hand finding the waves of her hair and habitually running his fingers through them.

“Yeah? A great big project before you get pushed into the real working world?” She asks smugly.

“Definitely that.”

She shifts under his touch and leans towards his embrace, letting herself fall into his arms. Johnny pulls the blanket over their bodies and lets himself melt into her. He could do this all day, intertwining himself with her. She was his life-force, his sun and moon.

“For me,” she breaks the silence in a whisper into his ears, “it would be to get accepted into a post-graduate course.”

“Why’d you have to whisper it like someone’s going to come running in and stop you?” he buzzes at her lingering lips on his ears, giving a little laugh.

“Because if I don’t get in, it is embarrassing. I’d rather whisper it to you so you can pretend to forget it if I don’t get accepted.”

“Are you kidding me? You are the best art historian I know, you can name every artwork off the top of your head, you’re like a walking museum,” Johnny assures as he holds her tighter under him, placing a quick kiss on her forehead.

She looks back up at him, gazing into his hazel eyes that bore into her soul. The very eyes that comfort her in her darkest nights, envelop her every morning and the one that showed more love in its little reactions to her presence. Letting her fingers trace his features, she grins slightly as she feels her heart grow fonder and fonder with every sight of him.

“I best be in all your photos this year then,” she jokes and snuggles into his warm neck.

Truly, waking up next to each other on the first day of every year has become a norm. They were renewed, rebirthed with every passing year, but they feel just the same every time their hands graze each other. Between them both, time slows and speeds but never halts. They were orbiting together, their love powering the cycles of many lifetimes.

—

The lamp switch clicks and Johnny’s room brightens. He is acutely aware of the silence in the house. Bending his head slightly, he roughly dries his wet hair on the towel. When he looks up, his eyes fall on the paper by his bedside table.

THE COMEDIAN

A Solo Exhibition by Johnny Suh

31 December-31 January

The golden text bounces itself off the sheen of velvet blue cardstock paper. His name seemed unfamiliar to him, a jumbled up word from the array of alphabets. Then again, he never felt like himself the past five years.

An inaudible sigh escapes his lips as he throws his towel to the side, climbing into the left side of the bed. That was always his side.

He turns the paper over and extends his body to turn off his lamp. Rolling over the bed, his eyes slowly adjusts to the darkness of the room.

A pillow rests untouched beside him, the white space demarcating the absence in his life. The blanket creases over his side but straightens itself as it passes his body. He takes in a sharp breath but he feels the oxygen running out. The air is heavy, damp with memories that flood to the forefront of his mind. As he blinks to compose himself, he sees her brief silhouette laying there, as it should be, as it always has been. But a silhouette could be a mirage. The brain tricks itself, as Johnny has tried to trick himself for years.

She is not there, she has not been for awhile now.

His fingers run along the cotton bedsheet, imagining the weight of her next to him as he lulls himself toward the door of dreams.

—

2:03 AM

Johnny looks up from his crumpled notes, scratching his head. Letting out an exasperated sigh, he pushes his glasses up his nose bridge and squints at her direction. There she sits, opposite him, legs tucked under her, biting her lips in anxiety while she mumbles the notes off of her laptop screen. He beams as he notices the way his sweatshirt hangs off her shoulders, too massive to fit her frame.

It was midterms season and they were cramming for an exam the following day. Well, technically, that day of. On his desk lay his scrambled astronomy notes. It is ludicrous in hindsight, that Johnny would take the time off of his photography classes to take it as an elective. But he tells no soul about the fact that it was simply because he notices her contemplating the sky every night, searching for the different stars and planets that appears with every passing season. Compelled by her devotion toward this habit, he took on the class in hopes of piquing her brain.

He pushes his notes slightly and stands up from his chair, groaning as he twists his crammed up body. He notices that she did not take her eyes off of her screen and with pursed lips, slowly walks towards her. He carefully carries the nearest chair, placing it silently next to her and sits on it, eyes on her screen too, curious to find out what she was reading about.

“Hey, that’s pretty cool,” he comments, skimming through the page, matching her speed of reading.

“What is?” she asks offhandedly, not moving her gaze one bit.

“The artwork.”

She stops scrolling and turns her head toward him, looking all frazzled. Her hair stood at weird angles and her blue-light glasses precariously on the tip of her nose. He chuckles and gently pushes the glasses up for her.

“That’s some intense dedication there, to walk from the ends of the Great Wall of China for 90 days just to meet each other in the middle. That’s such a romantic way to propose,” he muses and raises his eyebrows, “should we do that? Walk along the wall, meet each other after 3 months and I will go down on one knee?”

She laughs at his proposal and untucks her legs beneath her.

“I stopped scrolling at the wrong time then. They managed to pull off the performance but instead of getting married, they broke up in the middle instead.”

Johnny’s eyes widened, a little too invested in this, “why?”

“It started out as a passion project, they were both highly regarded performance artists whose practise involved testing the limits of the other. They had ambitions to get married but approvals from the Chinese government to walk along the perimeters of the wall took too many years to be cleared. By the time the approvals were passed, their relationship had slowly fizzled out. They had affairs and were unhappy with each other, but for the sake of their art, travelled the wall.”

She watches as his face softens at her explanation, his lips puckering slightly, a habit she noticed him doing every time he is in deep thought.

“Oh, that sucks,” he blurts out in response.

“I guess you could put it that way… I still find their dedication toward their art very fascinating. If it is of any consolation, they met years later in another performance artwork of hers.”

He takes her hand in his and shakes his head slightly. “That’s good, no? Reconciling.”

“To a certain extent, yes. It rocked the art world for months and years on end: the greatest love is back again!” she dramatises, sticking her arm out like she was in a performance, gaining a laugh from the boy in front of her.

“Now I don’t know if I should make us walk a historic wall before I pop the question, it seems so silly,” he strokes her ring finger subconsciously and traces the creases on her palm. She notices.

She leans in, kissing his cheek, “continue brainstorming then, my love.”

Johnny grins and imagines himself walking over battered bricks to get to her. The ground shifts below him but the running hills circle in around him, as if giving him comfort to persevere on. She was at the end of the wall, slowly walking toward him too. It did not matter how long it takes, where it happens or what season it was.

He knew he would walk across endless walls just to get to her.

—

Walking into the metallic frame of his hanging mirror, Johnny puts on his emerald coloured sweater, fixing his white button-up collar in place. His eyes were sunken in, tired from imagining all the possibilities of today. He sighs, proceeding to grab all his belongings and throwing them into the bag strewn on his floor.

It was his big day, he knew. But he cannot help but wish for the morning to turn out differently. His eyes catches the perfectly shaped pillow on his bed and his feet quickens its pace out of his home.

“God, it is freezing today,” he mutters to himself as he exits his car, tightening his coat around his body. Every breath of his turned into vapour, clouding his view of the gallery right in front of him. He looks up toward the sun, seeing only an obscure ray of yellow hanging in the air. There was no warmth, not even in the atmosphere and definitely not in his heart.

He checks the street for cars before dashing across, finding himself at the doorsteps of a gallery he knows too well. In the glass door, he sees his languid figure obscured by view of the gallery inside, his photographs and him merging into one incomprehensible figure.

Putting on his best smile, he opens the door and walks in.

—

“Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, here it is!”

She muffles a squeal as she grabs onto Johnny’s hand, pushing him into the crowd. Fishing their way through, they land in front of the very painting they were there for.

She could barely control her excitement. Bits of tears pool around the corners of her eyes as they land on her most beloved painting. It was real, in front of her, in all its delicate brushstrokes. The warm spotlight of the gallery was nothing but a halo to this painting, so she thought.

Sensing her bewilderment, Johnny wraps his arm around her waist and scoots them closer to the work, shielding her from the mass of crowds around them. He recalls her screaming when the news came in, her favourite painter of all time had a travelling show and they were miraculously showing in the gallery closest to their house. He grins every time he sees her shared calendar countdown to the number of days until the exhibition opens in the notification tab of his phone, silently counting down with her too. He made sure to purchase two tickets for the opening day, to which she kissed him tenfold when they landed in her hands, and he could still feel her hand on his chest waking him up at 6am this morning to beat the snaking queue into the gallery.

Now, they stood in front the very work they came here for. It is a little bit smaller than I thought, Johnny mused to himself. He had seen the painting countless times whenever she showed it to him on her phone screen and he felt that the years of seeing it in pixels made him grow fond of the artwork too. His breath hitched as he is pulled into the black mass of the painting, his eyes gaining refuge from the darkness with the two figures standing on the stage. He knew them by the back of his hand. The two figures stood by the stage, wearing Pierrot and Pierette costumes, in the midst of bowing toward an imagined audience. The delicate brushstrokes of the painting arrested Johnny’s gaze as he stood in awe of the piece of canvas.

“It is so beautiful,” her voice croaks, breaking the bubble of silence between them. They stood side by side, eye-level with the figures, staring so intently into the heaps of paint that they could almost see themselves in the obscurity of the figures’ features.

“Out of all his paintings, this last painting of his is arguably the most striking as it is the only time we see two figures accompanying each other but not alone in their own world. In his other paintings, even if the figures were interacting with each other, their expression still signalled isolation. But this painting is an outlier. Their hands suggests their union against the loneliness of the world, their white costumes as a resistance to the fading darkness behind them. They are in tandem, in the same performance, in the same space, sharing the same moment. How poignant that he chose to paint him and his wife as his last legacy,” she reveals in hushed tones, gesturing at the painting.

Johnny listens intently, nodding as he follows the trailing of her fingers, leading him furthering into the work.

“I love this painting because they are fools. Their quirky garb appoints them to the roles of a Pierrot and Pierrette, infecting the world with their joyous art,” she continues. “Historically, the fool is known to be the bearer of all binaries; the divine and profane, power and destruction, morning and night. Due to their ties with those in power, they enlighten others with the truth through their little whims, being the only one to merge the truth and absurd laughter, just like Hopper does with his works. The position of the fool reveals the significance of being more than ourselves, discovering our potential through such a limitless figure. That’s why this painting is called Two Comedians.”

“Most importantly, the painting reminds me of us.”

Johnny’s train of thought snaps back into reality at her words, shifting his wonder from the work to her. In this moment, as they stood in front of this timeless piece, they held many possibilities for the future. Their lives were intertwined like his hands around the hem of her skirt, their legs under the blanket after a long day apart and their riddled words of affection. They are painted in white, staring into the abyss of their future.

—

The wine in his glass sloshes side to side but never disappearing into his mouth. It has been at the same level since two hours ago, when the scarlet ribbon decorating the entrance was snipped off and people trailed in to discover his works. The wine dissolved under him, morphing into the torn ribbon, morphing into her lips, morphing into the her favourite book on his shelf, morphing into th-

“Johnny!”

His head whips upward and the curator was staring back at him, wide-eyed. Next to him stood a guy donning a navy suit, his blonde hair slicked back and his hand gripped on an empty wine glass.

“Meet Taeyong, he’s an art critic,” the curator subtly raises his brows at Johnny,” and he has expressed great interest in your work thus far. Thought I’d introduce you two.”

Johnny extends his empty-hand and gave the well-dressed guy a tight handshake. Taeyong has a wide grin on his face, returning the handshake with near excessive shaking.

“I am a big fan of your work, these photographs are extraordinary. What would you say is your inspiration for these works? I believe it was a year long project, yes?” he chides, leaning toward the artist, enunciating his questions.

Johnny lets his hand go at the word “inspiration”. He purses his lips and could feel the curator beside him anticipating a brilliant reply. It is your big day, remember that Johnny, he reminds himself.

But the only words that left his lips were: “just foolish things throughout the year.”

Throughout the entire conversation, his eyes went over Taeyong and the curator’s head. They were instead set on the rectangular door frame of the gallery, assessing every person walking in and silently praying to notice the same rosy lips he had last kissed years ago.

—

She flips through the pages of her book, aware of the dissipating feet shuffles around her. Her fingers grazes against each page, imagining each word in her mind.

This was her weekly routine, waiting for Johnny to finish his shift at the cafe while she finished her reading in one corner. By then, she has pavloved herself to associate the fragrant smell of coffee beans to this place and nowhere else. As such, Johnny too became her coffee lover.

Fleeting her eyes between the pages and her watch, she notices that he is running slightly behind time today. In her peripheral view, she sees him wiping the coffee stains off of the counter. Though it is so mundane, she fixes on this sight, scrutinising every detail of his face that she has memorised by now. She believes that love is inherently non-corporeal. But whenever she lays her eyes on her lover, she thinks about how his every physical detail is filled with so much to love. His cupid's bow draws the same curve as the back of every chair she sees. His eyelashes appear in the labryinth of twigs above her in her daily route to her classes. His hair's texture remains in the crevices of her fingers, forever part of the stitches of her hand. Everything led her back to him.

She gathers her stuff when she sees him untie his apron and disappear into the back room. Unbeknownst to her, a small smile is plastered on her red face while she was doing so.

The moment she heard the backroom door open, she turns around and watches the strides her lover takes toward her. Five, she counts. Five too many.

She reached toward his neck, bringing his lips down to hers. She feels his lips curve into a cheeky smile as he pulls away, shifting the position of his bag behind him.

"Why was your shift extended today?" she asks casually as he holds the door open for her.

His hands naturally finds their way around hers, their feet turning toward the direction of their home.

"I ran a little late because my previous class ran over," he replies her, taking a quick glance at her curious expression before focusing back on their path.

She notices that while he is holding her hand as tightly as he always does, his other hand occasionally tugs onto his bag from time to time as if making sure that the bag was there at all costs.

"Why are you holding your bag so carefully? It's not like anyone is going to steal it" she jokes, earning a nervous chuckle from him. There and then, she knew.

Johnny never answered her question. He knew better when he ran into the ring shop because his class ended earlier than usual. Occasionally, he would walk past this shop and casually survey the different rings on display but this morning, one caught his eye. Sapphire green, her favourite colour.

He talked to the jeweller and his hands trembled as he opened the velvet box to see the ring destined for her. Entranced by the beauty of it, he realised he was late for his job. Even after sweating buckets from running blocks to the cafe, his heart never faltered.

When he saw her seated at the edge of his cafe, engrossed in her book and with the warm lamp light softening her features, he knew he made the right choice.

—

Slowly, visitors filtered in and out. But none of them contented him.

His mouth hurts from forcing a smile and his feet shifted back and forth, aching from standing too long.

He listens to the hushed whispers of those viewing his work. He watches as they encounter his work, first glancing at his statement before their eyes fall on the work on the wall. After a minute or two, they turn to the person next to them and tell secrets while side-eyeing the work.

Johnny wonders if perhaps they saw his pain through the photographs. Granted, these photographs were taken 5 years ago but he wondered if they saw right through him when they look at the prints. Could they read his every thought? Could they see how much love he had? Could they sense that this time was then truncated, smashed into pieces and reglued to be the pictures they see right now?

Photography offers a look of love, he used to tell her.

He wondered if they could now see the world through his lens. If that was the case, could all their love accumulate and transcend the gallery space, bursting into the frigid air outside and somehow find their way to her, give her a little pat on the back and usher her into this gallery?

He sits and wonders.

—

"I just received exciting news!" Johnny exclaimed, hand clutching onto a ripped open envelope addressed to their address.

"What is it?" she could barely contain her excitement, the red neon light of the diner reflecting on her face outwardly expressing her anticipation.

His eyes were sharp, twinkling at her as he pulls out the letter, pushing it toward her.

"I just got accepted into a photography residency programme here, the best one in town," he grins.

She did not even skim through the letter. At his words, she lunges forward and hits her waist against the table.

"Ouch!" she exclaims as she tumbles forward clumsily, hugging her lover as tight as she could.

"I am so fucking proud of you, John," she says, "You deserve it."

Johnny pulls away and kisses her tenderly, melting under her touch. He applied the day she found out about the residency, continuously bugging him to apply every hour. She knew his ability best, knowing that he could grow better in this environment and never once did she doubt his success.

"When are you starting? When did the mail come in? Are you getting paid? Are there any other names accepted? Do you know who your mentor is going to be? God, I am asking countless questions but I am so happy for you," she feels tears welling up but blinks it away at the sight of his lit up face.

"Nothing's decided for sure yet accept that I got in, the details will slowly come in in the weeks to come" he states, "how about you? have your acceptance letters come in yet?"

She feels her face slowly fall, just like the silence between them. Slowly, reality began to dawn on her.

"No... but if they do, I am going to be halfway across the globe," she trails off, a hint of doubt in her tone.

Johnny catches it and replies, "that's not a problem, I will travel back and forth for you even though our original plans to move there altogether might not happen… I am sure we can find a way around this..."

She glances out the window for awhile and watched the sun glare down on the walking passersby. The heat was unbearable at the height of summer. She watches as people struggle under the heat, occassionally waving a paper fan on themselves to alleviate the heat.

Brought back by the sound of the diner's bell, she notices Johnny's gaze still on her.

"Yeah, we will figure it out," she smiles and feels guilty. This was his big day, there was no use worrying about her acceptances and their future. All that matters is this moment.

"I love you, John."

He opens his mouth to speak but was interrupted by the waiter bringing their food, clanking the dishes against the cold marble table. The retro music drowns her words out and she stares into the hashbrown on her end of the plate, picking on it until it falls apart.

—

Johnny's stomach rumbled loudly, breaking the silence of the gallery. His eyes widened as he awkwardly shifts himself away, finding himself a chair in a hidden corner to nibble on some snacks.

From the glass door, he gathered that it was late into the night. He watched endless cars pass by this street and the disappearing winter sun.

Hope is scary. It manifested in everything he saw that day, creeping up on him with every ding of the doorbell.

As he looks at his watch, he sighed. It was 5 minutes before closing and still, his wildest dreams were not realised.

He watches as the last visitor headed toward the door, silently bowing to him and opening the door to the world outside.

A gust of freezing air rushed into the gallery, penetrating through Johnny's exposed fingers and straight into his heart. He shudders.

It was about time he gave up. It was never going to happen. He had hoped endlessly for the past years but to no avail. It was selfish of him to expect more, to want her right next to him like nothing ever happened. He was the one that sent her off, he knew that all too well.

Leaning against the wall and closing his eyes, he relents.

A second after, he hears the sudden ding of the door.

—

"We could try, but I do not think it is particularly feasible," she thinks out loud as she paces around their living room.

Johnny is sat on the couch, head heavy in his hands as he ran through many solutions. In front of him, her acceptance letter lays bare on the table.

While the initial reaction to the letter was utmost joy, the two of them slowly came to realise the prospect of the future ahead of them. Where they were previously of the same bubble, with every passing second, each of them could feel the glass breaking.

"Yeah, we could do long-distance," Johnny voices out, reaffirming her thoughts, only to be met with her sigh.

"But I will be gone for 4 years, John, that is a.. ho- horridly long time," she chokes on her words and stops her pacing. Her hands were placed firmly on her hips as she tilts her head back to prevent her tears from falling.

"That's no worry, is it? I will fly to you every time I have a break, and you could do the same for me, we could keep this apartment together and we could still be together," he tries to convince her, hands shaking at the thought of them possibly separating. His words hung uncomfortably in the air.

He looks up at the home they have built together for the past 4 years. Their books are mixed on a single bookshelf, their selves undiscernable from the other. His camera collection sits on the floating shelf above the tv, right next to her gigantic painting she first finished the week they moved in. Her pink and blue pillows rests against his grey striped ones, creating a disjunct of colours in their mint green living room - but it was intrinsically them.

Everything they have built in the past 4 years was slowly crumbling. It seemed irrational, it seems. Long-distance could definitely work out. Many couples have done it and it was successful, what makes them different?

Despite desperately trying to rationalise their decision, each of them felt it deep in their hearts. The inevitable rift. The intimacy that gets lost in the endless flights. The conversations that get lost in timezones and sleep schedules. The love that gets jumbled up in the array of their pursuits.

"You know that we have to," she says finally.

Johnny doesn't meet her eye. He would love to live in denial, reject this all and suddenly wake up to find out that this is just a dream but he doesn't. The overwhelming pain in his heart grounded him in reality, with nowhere to run.

"We could always find each other again, right?" he manages his words out, concealing the quiver in his voice to not scare her.

"One day."

Their bodies are turned away from each other, their gazes fixed on different things. The place that they came home to everyday for the past few years suddenly feels constricting. The walls were collapsing onto them and the oxygen was being pumped right out. But both of them stayed, watching the walls slowly crumble, crackle and disintegrate.

They sat and stared, waiting through the whole duration of the damage until their house was unrecognisable and turned into bits of ashy rubble. Amidst the dull ruins and dust, a glinter of sapphire glows.

—

She walks in. Her hair was cut shorter than when he last saw her, shaping her face perfectly. Her cheeks were the shade of freshly planted roses, matching the mauve tint on her lips. Her neck that he has kissed time and time again was wrapped snuggly with a red and blue plaid scarf, shielding it from his view. Her hands slowly untucked itself from the deep pockets of her black coloured coat, revealing the veins that used to course through her body with her endless love.

Johnny felt his breath knocked out of him. There she was, in flesh and blood. She aged, as he did, but she looked more beautiful than ever, he thought. She looked better than when he last saw her, she looked like the person he knew yet not at all. She looked at him with rekindled fire behind her eyes, letting the warmth of the gallery welcome her into the space.

"Y/n."

Her name left his lips for the first time in years. It sounded, felt and tasted unfamiliar but the moment the word lingered in the air, he remembered why it was his favourite word.

"Hi Johnny," she responded, managing her breaths between each word, controlling her emotions at the sight of her beloved.

He did not know how to react. He was overcome with many conflicting thoughts and emotions. He wanted to hug her tightly and never let go. He wanted to shun her away for showing up so late and letting him wake up alone this morning. He wanted to kiss her eagerly and remember the taste of her mouth. He wanted to spit out all the pain he felt throughout the years, letting her know exactly what he struggled with all this time. He wanted to ask her a billion questions about the years that eluded them. He wanted to curse her for never reaching out even once, even though it was the pact made, he supposed that she would somehow break it but she did not.

She lets her eyes fall on the photos scattered around the gallery. Every photo, a sight too familiar to her.

"So this was your one year project, hm?" she hums, eyes landing back on the bamboozled Johnny.

"Yeah, it was" he manages out.

Silently, they made their round around the gallery. She led the way and he trailed behind her, occasionally smelling a whiff of her perfume that used to sit on their dressing table. He watches as her face barely changes with every passing photo. She remained silent, her lips pursed together and her eyes non-judgemental.

They made their way through photos of their empty bed, disordered bookshelf, dusty shelves full of collectibles, colourful tupperwares of food in their fridge, brown oak front door, creaky silver chair they found near their garbage disposal, frayed bohemian carpet and the mismatched sock pile in their drawers. All scenes that are engraved in their memory. As they walked further, the sight of the last painting halted them in their tracks.

Finally, Johnny watches as her eyebrows twitch and fall. Her eyes softened. Her lips steadily parts.

"Was that the ring?"

Johnny remained silent. He remembers taking the photo, the day he bought the ring. After they returned from the cafe, she rushed off to bathe and he sneakily took the box out, quietly opening it and marvelling at its sight. He grabbed his camera when he heard her shower stop running. Taking a quick shot, he buried the box behind the shelf full of art books.

"Yeah."

"It's beautiful."

Silence penetrates the room once more. They were turned away from each other, bodies drawn toward the photograph. They could hear each other's laboured breath bubbling up the room until Johnny pricks it.

"Would you have said yes?"

She lightly shifts toward him, meeting his eye for the second time since she entered. The same eyes that he looked into every morning and night. The same eyes that saw him in the lecture room years ago and the same eyes that bade him goodbye in the departure hall.

"Of course, John."

Her response washed over him like flowers blooming in place of melted snow. He held her gaze.

"Well, we've made our journey across the wall, haven't we?" she chuckles, making Johnny reveal a slight smile.

She takes a step closer.

"After looking at endless artworks the past few years, I came to realise something. I see you in all of them. The greats, the worsts, the ones portraying the highest moments of humanity and the lowest. The ones encased with grief, anger, fury and the ones with joy, love and fondness. Beyond every frame, form, brushstroke or performance, you were there. You were everywhere."

"I realised after awhile that just as I am cataloguing these works and granting them significance, I was doing the same for all our memories. I have never, not for a single second, forgotten you."

Outside, people were gathering and gearing for the year end fireworks. Screams of excitement filled the streets, anticipating the looming new year. They huddled together, their bodies emanating warmth that the night could not offer. They wait, staring at the sky.

Inside, two figures stand beside each other, framed by the dark photograph. They bow forward, stumbling on each other’s shoes as they clumsily announce their musings of each other, stepping forth from the peeling curtains. Their clothes glimmer in their pure whiteness, illuminating their path into the unknown.

At last, the clock struck midnight.

#nct imagines #nct scenarios #nct au #nct angst #nct fluff #nct oneshot #johnny suh #johnny suh fluff #johnny suh angst #nct drabbles

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hwxnghyynjin · 2 years

Text

Red Lipstick

Pairing: johnny suh x reader Genre: mafia!au, angst, suggestive Warnings: kidnapping, swearing, threats, slapping, minor character death, implied sexual violence, speeding (don't speed kids), use of weapons, implied sex (let me know if I missed anything) Words: 9,426

The smell of coffee hit your nose as you walked into the coffee shop, your heeled boots clicking against the ground. Your black cargo pants hugging your legs, tucking your black t-shirt into them. You walked to the counter, the young man behind it giving you a cheeky smile. You just rolled your eyes and gave your order, the man getting to it straight away.

While waiting for your order, you reapplied your red lipstick to your plump lips. That was your signature trademark: you took that lipstick with you everywhere. Your boyfriend Johnny thought it was funny when you first started dating, but now he doesn’t care. He even nicknamed you ‘Red’ because of it, which you find funny, but accepted it anyway.

Your order was called and you grabbed your coffee, thanking the barista. Running your hand through your hair, you left the coffee shop, sipping on your vanilla latte. As you walked back to your car, you felt yourself being watched. You walked a bit further, waiting for Jaehyun to pull up, as he was picking you up. You suddenly heard footsteps behind you and you froze on the spot. You grabbed your knife from under your pant leg quickly, ready to hurt the person stalking you. You turned around and saw no one, when suddenly, you felt yourself being grabbed from behind, your legs kicking out.

“Hey, get off me, you bastard”, you shouted, but the person grabbing you put a cloth over your mouth, and you felt yourself getting faint. Your eyes closed and you suddenly saw black.

When you woke up, you found yourself in a room which looked like a basement. You looked around, trying to see if anyone was in there with you, and when you saw there was no one, you tried to get free. But, to no avail, your hands were tied tightly, feeling your wrists starting to bruise already. A sound of a door opening got your attention, a strange man coming into your view. You tried to look tough but, if you were being honest, you were terrified.

“Well, well, well. Look who the cat dragged in. Mr Johnny Suh’s girlfriend”, the man said with a sickening smirk. “Let me go, you absolute freak”, you spat, making him chuckle darkly. “Oh darling, we’re not letting you go any time soon. Besides, Johnny has something of ours that we want back. In trade for that, we’ll return you”, he said and you just scoffed. “You really think he will give anything to you? Ha, you really are stupid”, you said, causing the man to frown. He lunged forward, standing in front of you, just staring. Suddenly, you felt a sting across your cheek. “Be cautious with your words, bitch. Cause if not, instead of going back to Johnny alive, you’ll be going in a fucking bodybag, got it?”, he said, gripping your chin, making you look up at him.

You stared at him for a moment, a smirk on your face. You didn’t even think, and spat in his face. The man wiped his face, looking at you darkly. “You’re going to regret that, whore”, he said, and punched you square in the jaw, knocking you backwards. Your hands were suddenly free and you went to make a run for it, but the man was faster. You grabbed you, punching you in the stomach, knocking the air out of you. You coughed from the impact, and felt a knife on your throat. “Don’t tempt me, bitch”, he spat, digging the knife in your throat deeper, causing blood to trickle down. Your breath hitched in your throat, and you felt yourself becoming lightheaded.

The man let go of you all of a sudden, and you hoped he wouldn’t touch you again. You hoped too soon as he grabbed the back of your head, slamming it against a table, knocking you out cold.

-------------------------------

Johnny walked into his office, wiping a bloody knife with a cloth. He had finished interrogating someone from a rival gang, which didn’t end well for the other guy. Basically, it was a deal gone wrong for him, regarding money. He put his knife in his pocket, sitting in his office chair.

“Don’t worry Johnny. We’ll get our money eventually”, Jaehyun said, walking into the office after Johnny. Jaehyun could see the distressed look on Johnny’s face, Johnny rubbing his temples. “I know, I’m just frustrated that the bastard lied straight to my face. He had what was coming to him”, Johnny said, Jaehyun nodding.

“Also, have you heard back from y/n?”, Jaehyun asked the older boy, confusion evident in his voice. Johnny looked up when he heard the question, looking at the younger. “I haven’t, thinking about it. She was supposed to be back an hour ago. Let me call her”, he said, trying to keep his voice sounding calm. He rang your phone and it rang once. Twice. Three times. But no answer.

“Hey, get Taeil to track her phone, now”, Johnny said, getting up and leaving his office. Jaehyun looked confused but went to Taeil anyway. Johnny knew there was something wrong, as you always picked up straight away.

Jaehyun ran to find Taeil, and he saw him on his computer. “Hey, Johnny said you need to track y/n’s phone. She’s not picking up”, Jaehyun said, out of breath from running. Taeil nodded and tracked your phone right away.

“Oh shit”, Taeil said, causing Jaehyun to widen his eyes at what he saw on the computer. “We need to tell Johnny, now”, Jaehyun said, running to find Johnny. He bumped into Yuta and Mark on the way, the two stopping him. “Hey, man, what’s wrong? Wait, aren’t you supposed to be picking y/n up?”, Mark asked, a confused look on his face. Jaehyun realised that he was supposed to be picking you up, and guilt ran through him as if something bad had happened to you, it would be on him.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck!”, Jaehyun shouted, being too in the interrogation that he forgot to pick you up from the coffee shop. “We need to find Johnny. y/n has been kidnapped and it’s my fault as I was supposed to pick her up and I…”, his breathing got heavier, feeling himself starting to panic. “Hey, man, calm down, ok? It’s not your fault, you must have been too into the interrogation and that happens sometimes. Don’t beat yourself up. Besides, if something did happen to her, she’s a tough girl”, Yuta tried to reassure him, and he managed to calm Jaehyun down.

The three of them found Johnny attacking a punching bag, taking his anger out on it. “Johnny!”, Jaehyun shouted, getting his attention. Johnny stopped attacking the punching bag, and looked at him. “We have a problem”, Jaehyun said, Johnny’s face dropping.

“Please don’t tell me he’s got her”, Johnny said, snarling at the thought of his worst enemy. “Unfortunately, he does”, Jaehyun said, Yuta and Mark’s blood running cold at the thought of him. “Fucking Hyungsik. I’m gonna beat him to a pulp once I get my hands on him”, Johnny spat, storming out of the room and going to change his clothes.

-------------------------------

When you woke up again, you found yourself lying on the floor. Your whole body was in pain, your core throbbing, but not for good reason. You felt dirty and disgusting, fearing what that dirty animal did to you. You tried not to let yourself cry, wanting to seem tough, but it was too much. You cried and cried, wanting this to be a nightmare. You screamed your heart out, screaming until your throat hurt. Your t-shirt was ripped, your pants halfway down your legs. You pulled them up gently, trying not to cause any more pain to you. You’re glad that your bra is still on, glad that you’re not too exposed. You sat up, your whole body shaking.

Your sobbing had subsided, but tears still ran down your cheeks. You checked the camera on your phone, and saw the mess you were in: your makeup smudged, bruises and cuts all over your face, mascara running down your face. Suddenly, the ringing of your phone made you jump, until you saw the caller ID: Jaehyun. You answered it, your voice shaky.

“J-jaehyun? Please save me, I’m scared and I hurt all over. The sick bastard has done things to me and I want to go home, please”, you were crying again at this point, your sobbing heard on the other end. “We’re coming for you, baby”, you heard Johnny shout, and you smiled hearing his voice. The sound of a door slamming open scared you, your breath hitching. “I gotta go, please hurry”, you pleaded, and you felt yourself being grabbed again, a loud scream leaving your mouth.

Johnny heard your scream through the phone and he revved the car, going faster. “Johnny, be careful”, Yuta warned. “y/n is in trouble and if we don’t hurry, she’s going to fucking die”, Johnny spat, shutting Yuta up. He understands that he’s worried, but he also doesn't want Johnny to crash the car.

He pulled up outside the building you were in, and slammed the brakes on. “Yuta, Jungwoo, Mark, you go in through the front. Me, Jaehyun, Taeyong and Doyoung will go through the back. Taeil and Haechan, you stay in the car and try to hack into the surveillance system. Got it? Ok let’s go”, Johnny ordered, and everyone obeyed. Taeil got his laptop out and hacked his way into the surveillance system and turned the cameras off, Haechan helping him. Yuta, Jungwoo and Mark went through the front of the building, taking out anyone who came in their way. Johnny, Jaehyun, Taeyong and Doyoung did the same round the back of the building.

You were tied up to a chair again, Hyungsik hitting you constantly. The sound of guns firing got your attention, a smile creeping onto your face, knowing you’re about to be saved. “Hey, don’t just stand there you fuckers. Got take them out”, Hyungsik spat to his men, them running out of the basement. Now it was just you and Hyungsik alone in the basement.

Hyungsik stared at you, more specifically your breasts, and licked his lips. “Well sweetheart. Since it’s just us, why don’t we have some fun?”, he smirked and you gagged, feeling disgusted. He walked over to you and straddled you, the smell of whisky evident in his breath. You struggled against him, trying to get him off you. What Hyungsik didn’t know was that you found a little knife before he grabbed you, using the knife to cut through the rope that was binding your hands together.

“Get off me, you sick fuck”, you spat, headbutting him in the face, hearing a crack from his nose. Blood started pooling from his nose, him groaning. “You broke my nose, you stupid slut”, he yelled and he went to grab your legs but luckily, you cut your hands free, using the knife to slice across his face, making him yell from pain. You kicked him in the crotch, running to the door. Unfortunately, you weren’t quick enough and Hyungsik grabbed your legs, pulling you towards him. You screamed bloody murder, your screams mixing in with the sound of bullets being fired. Men yelling outside, the sounds getting closer. Hyungsik pinned you to the floor, before putting his hands around your throat. He gripped your neck, you struggled against him. You hit his arms, trying to get him to release you. You felt yourself losing consciousness, your movements getting slower.

Suddenly, the door to the basement slammed open, Johnny running in, aiming a gun at Hyungsik. “It’s over for you, Hyungsik”, Johnny spat, Hyungsik smirking. “Well, I don’t know about that. Though, I’m sure it is for your girlfriend”, he said, and Johnny saw you lying there, motionless. Johnny yelled and ran towards him, knocking Hyungsik off you, knocking him to the ground. He punched him in the face numerous times, blood going everywhere from the punches. Johnny grabbed Hyungsik’s head, knocking it into the ground a couple of times, hearing a crack. He let go of his head and grabbed his gun, aiming it at his forehead.

“Any last words before you die, you sick fuck?”, Johnny said and Hyungsik smirked. “Yes. Your whore of a girlfriend is so tight”, he smirked, and Johnny lost it. He screamed bloody murder and pulled the trigger. One. Two. Three. Four. Four bullets into Hyungsik’s head. Blood started surrounding his lifeless body, his face unrecognisable from Johnny beating him to a pulp. Johnny got off of him and ran to you and checked your pulse: nothing.

“Fuck! Help!”, Johnny yelled to the others, Taeyong and Doyoung running in, Jaehyun following behind. Jaehyun saw your motionless body, guilt running through him. If only he had picked you up, none of this would have happened. Johnny picked up your body, running to the door. He saw Jaehyun’s face and glared at him. “Don’t”, Johnny warned, Jaehyun confused as to what that meant but followed him outside, Taeyong and Doyoung following.

-------------------------------

It’s been 5 long, painful days for Johnny as you were still unconscious. You had lost a lot of blood, so they had to do a blood transfusion (thankfully, they found your sister and she agreed to it, as she’s type O and they got lucky. Your sister said she would do anything to keep you safe, so she didn’t hesitate to agree).

When they arrived at their base, they took you to the medical room and they made sure you got the right treatment to keep you safe. Now, they’re just waiting for you to wake up. If you wake up.

Johnny sat by your bed, holding your hand. He was looking down, his tears threatening to spill. “Baby, you need to wake up, please. We made a pact, remember? If one of us goes out, the other goes out with them. So, if you don;t fucking wake up, I’m going with you. I love you too much for you to give up on me, Red. You need to wake up”, Johnny was crying at this point, not caring if people see or hear him. He was shaking in his seat, terrified of losing you, the love of his life.

The two of you met 2 years ago. You were in a bar, and some random drunkard tried flirting with you, but you wanted him to leave you alone. Johnny saw you from across the room, seeing how uncomfortable you were. He had his eyes on you the whole night, taking a liking to you. He saw the drunk man tried touching you up, and that’s when he made his move. He saved you from getting assaulted, and you thanked him. You spent the rest of the night by his side, and he took you home, the night filled with laughter and little kisses, which turned into soft, passionate love, something which was the total opposite of his appearance.

After that night, you were surprised to see him the morning after, making you breakfast. That night soon turned into something special, the both of you getting closer and he asked you out a couple of weeks after. You were hesitant at first, due to having a couple of bad breakups in your past. But you soon agreed, wanting to give it a go. You were both inseparable. You didn’t know about Johnny being a mafia leader until a month into your relationship, as he showed up to your house, covered in blood. Johnny thought you would be scared off when he told you, but it was the total opposite. You were so engrossed in his work, wanting to find out more about it.

You met his members after that, and they were wary at first, as Johnny had a few bad relationships in the past. But you proved to them that you were a good person. Out of all of them (apart from Johnny), you were the closest to Jaehyun and he became like your brother. He taught you how to fight and how to defend yourself.

There was a knock on the door, and Johnny’s head turned to look who was there. Jaehyun was at the door, and he looked like someone had just kicked a puppy. “Hey, talk”, Johnny managed to speak out, his crying now turned into little sniffles. Jaehyun walked in and sat at the other end of your bed, his leg bouncing up and down.

Jaehyun took a deep breath before talking. “If only I had remembered to pick her up, none of this would have happened, you know? I’m so fucking stupid”, Jaehyun sobbed out, still feeling guilty about what happened. Johnny sighed and cleared his throat. “Hey, look at me”, he obeyed and Jaehyun looked at him through his tears. “What happened is NOT your fault, ok? So don’t even think that. Stop doubting yourself for a small mistake”, Johnny told him, and Jaehyun felt better, hearing it from Johnny made him feel less guilty.

Johnny and Jaehyun were talking when suddenly, the sound of the machine you were hooked on started beeping. The beeping was going mad, they shouted for help. Taeyong ran in and gave you more morphine, hoping it would help. It seemed to do the trick as the beeping slowed down. They thought everything was ok, so Taeyong walked out again. Until the three of them stopped at the sound of someone’s voice.

“Hello?”, the voice came from you. Johnny placed his hand on your shoulder and you thrashed around. “No, please, don’t touch me”, you screamed and Johnny and Jaehyun had to both pin you down gently, Taeyong holding your legs.

“Baby, it’s me, look”, Johnny said, making you look at him. “Johnny? Jaehyun? Taeyong?”, you asked, looking at the three of them. You started crying, finally feeling safe as you threw yourself in Johnny’s arms, wincing but not giving a care in the world, just glad to be in his arms again. Jaehyun and Taeyong looked at each other, silently agreeing to give the both of you space.

You both pulled away from each other, Johnny admiring your face. The cuts and bruises have started healing, the colour in your skin returning to you. He grabbed the sides of your face gently, and brought you into a passionate kiss. He poured all of his emotions into the kiss, kissing you like it’s the last time. You softly moaned into the kiss, tugging onto his hair gently. He pulled away and pressed his forehead against yours. You smiled through your tears, glad to be alive and safe.

“You scared the shit out of me, Red. Don’t ever do that to me again”, Johnny warned, but you knew he said that out of worry. You kissed his cheek softly and cuddled into his side. “Oh, I think you’re forgetting this”, Johnny spoke up, handing you your red lipstick. You laughed and thanked you, happy you still have it. You never go anywhere without your red lipstick.

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Over the next couple of nights, you woke up in a cold sweat, your body shaking in fear. Nightmares clouded your thoughts, always putting you in a cold sweat. Johnny calms you down whenever you wake up, tears streaming down your face. He always managed to stop you from shaking, kissing your tears away, stroking your hair, and you both fell into dreamland again, cuddling into his side. No nightmares, just happy thoughts.

Though, this particular night was different. You felt trapped, just black clouding your mind. Hyungsik’s voice kept ringing in your head, his sickening smirk burned into you. You screamed for you to wake up, calling out to Johnny for help. Nothing seemed to work as you laid there, sweat soaking you from head to toe, your body shaking in your bed.

You soon felt yourself running, your feet hurting. You ran and ran, trying to get away from something, more like someone, chasing you. The thing grabbed you, pushing you to the ground. Before they could do anything to you, you woke up, screaming at the top of your lungs. You fell off your bed with a thud, your breathing getting heavier, tears blurring your vision.

Johnny heard you scream, running into your shared bedroom. He saw you on the floor, your entire body shaking. He ran towards you, holding you in his grasp. “Sshh, baby, I’m here. You’re safe, no one is going to get you”, he tried calming you down, but your breathing was still erratic. You struggled to breathe, feeling lightheaded. Johnny knew what was happening so he turned you around, making you face him. “Honey, I want you to copy me, ok? Just try and copy my breathing”, he instructed and breathed in and out, hoping you would follow. You followed his breathing, trying to calm down.

After about 10 minutes, your breathing had gone back to normal and your body had stopped shaking. You just laid in Johnny’s arms, feeling exhausted. He picked you up and laid you down on the bed. He went to leave, but you grabbed his wrist. “Please don’t leave me”, you pleaded, fear in your voice. Johnny looked at you with soft eyes, leaning down to kiss your forehead. '`Do you want to sit with me while I do some work?”, he asked softly, you nodding immediately. He picked you up bridal style, and brought you into the living room where he was doing work on his laptop.

You noticed Jaehyun sitting on the couch too, smiling at him. He smiled back and you snuggled into Johnny’s chest as he sat down. Johnny and Jaehyun were softly talking, trying not to disturb you, when Johnny’s phone suddenly rang, your eyes shooting open at the sound. Johnny picked his phone up straight away, putting the device up to his ear.

“Hello? Yeah, that’s ok. Wait, really? How? That’s- wow, that’s great! Ha, we can celebrate. Ok, thanks man”, he said and hung up, a smile on his face. “Why are you so happy, what’s the good news?”, Jaehyun asked, confused at the sudden smile on Johnny’s face. “That was Taeyong. We got our money back”, he said, smiling. Jaehyun cheered, accidentally a bit too loud, as you whined at the noise. “That’s great news, babe”, you said softly, placing a kiss on his chest. Johnny stroked your hair and you soon fell asleep, the sound of Johnny’s heartbeat lulling you to sleep.

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When you woke up, you found yourself back in your bed, your body covered by the sheets. But, you woke up alone. Rubbing your eyes, you got out of bed, putting your dressing gown on and headed downstairs. The smell of bacon hitting your senses, you walked into the kitchen and saw Johnny making breakfast. Johnny turned around at the sound of footsteps, his eyes finding you, and the sight in front of him made his heart warm: your hair messy, your sleepy face, a pout on it. He thought you looked so cute, he wanted to pick you up and tackle you in hugs, but he also didn’t want to burn the house down. “Morning, darling”, Johnny said, plating up plates with bacon, eggs and some toast. You sat down at the table, sleepily eating your breakfast.

Johnny chomped on a piece of bacon, scrolling through his phone, when he came across something. His eyes widened as he read the headline.

Mafia leader Hyungsik dead, causes uproar as his brother goes on a killing spree, murdering innocent civilians

“Well, shit”, Johnny said, your sleepy self now fully awake. “W-what’s wrong?”, you asked, now you have finished your breakfast. “After what happened with Hyungsik, his brother found out and now he’s gone full on psycho, going on a killing spree. I’m sure his stupid ‘minions’ went straight to Hyungsik’s base after the whole commotion. Fuck!”, Johnny suddenly shouted and instead of flinching at the sudden shout, you felt yourself getting angry too. Yes, you’re glad that Hyungsik is dead but you heard about his brother. His brother made Hyungsik seem soft. “Want to go fuck shit up?”, you said, making Johnny widen his eyes. “Honey, are you sure you’re up for it?”, he asked, worried that you might get hurt again.

“I’ll be ok. If anything happens, I’ll shout”, you said and got up to put your plate in the sink, and went to get dressed. Johnny just smiled and put his plate in the sink, following after you. You walked into the bedroom, took your dressing gown off and hung it up. You stripped yourself, your naked body now exposed. Johnny walked in as soon as you were fully naked, seeing the faint cuts and bruises all over you. He came up behind you and kissed the area between your shoulder blades, wrapping his arms around your waist. You turned around in his arms, placing a small kiss on his lips.

“I’m so glad that you’re alive”, Johnny said, his voice soft and gentle. He stared into your eyes, noticing a glimmer in them. You smiled softly up at him, kissing his cheek. “I’m glad that I’m alive too. I’m also glad that the bastard is dead. Now, let’s stop dilly dallying and get ready. I want to kill people”, you said, a hint of humour in your voice. Johnny chuckled at the last two sentences and let go of you, letting you get dressed.

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You tied the laces of your boots, and stood up. Johnny handed a knife and a gun, putting the gun under your pant leg, and the gun under the other pant leg. You put your leather jacket on, and you both went downstairs, ready to leave. A black van suddenly pulled up, the door opening and revealing Taeyong. “You guys ready?”, he asked, the both of you nodding. You got into the van, and Taeil drove away once the door was closed.

“You remember what to do when we get there?”, Johnny asked you, making sure you remember. “Yup. Go in with you, Jaehyun, Yuta and Taeyong, and if something happens, give you a shout”, you said, Johnny smiling. “Good girl. Now, let’s go”, Johnny said as soon as Taeil pulled up, all of you getting out and heading in through the back of the building. You went with Johnny, Jaehyun, Yuta and Taeyong while the others went a different way.

You knew you were getting close as you suddenly heard yelling. “Talk, bitch”, the sound of the voice made your blood boil. Hyungsik’s brother, known as Seonjun, was torturing an innocent civilian, making you angry. You went to run in the room when a hand stopped you, turning around and seeing Jaehyun. He mouthed ‘wait’ and you did. Suddenly, a gunshot went off and all of your heads turned towards where the sound came from. “Seonjun, you absolute piece of shit”, Johnny whispered, making sure he didn't hear them. Blood started pooling out from under the door, the poor individual’s body dropping to the floor with a loud thud.

A loud yell and a slam was heard, the yell coming from Haechan, alerting everyone. Seonjun’s voice boomed through the building, making you jump. “What the fuck?”, he yelled, and you, without thinking, bursted into the room, aiming your gun at him. “y/n!”, Johnny yelled, and they all ran into the room after you, seeing you pointing your gun at Seonjun.

“Hello there, you pretty thing”, Seonjun said, making you gag. “Don’t talk to my girlfriend like that, you freak”, Johnny spat, standing behind you. The rest of the guys ran in, Haechan coming in last. His nose was bleeding, using his hand to wipe away the blood.

“Well, well. Looks like the whole gang's here”, Seonjun smirked, and he grabbed another innocent civilian, putting a knife against their throat. “Seonjun, why are you doing this?”, Johnny asked, a hint of anger in his voice. Seonjun scoffed and chuckled darkly. “Why am I doing this? Well, let me tell you. My brother is fucking dead. Because YOU murdered him. I’m going to make you pay for that. Starting with your girlfriend”, he laughed and suddenly, the knife on the civilian's throat sliced the skin open, blood dripping down their neck. Seonjun dropped the body to the floor and suddenly grabbed your arm, but when he reached for you, you grabbed your knife and stabbed him in the arm. Seonjun screamed and then hit you across the face. That caused an outrage and Johnny suddenly shot one of Seonjun’s men and everyone started shooting.

Dead bodies were on the floor, only a couple of Seonjun’s men were left. Some of the members were injured, but they were only minor injuries. You fought against Seonjun, remembering the tactics Jaehyun taught you. You dodged Seonjun’s punches, kicking him in the stomach. As Seonjun was about to grab you, you flipped and swung your legs around his neck, bringing him to the ground. As you were trapping him on the ground, you failed to notice Seonjun grabbing his gun, aiming it at Johnny. You noticed too late, Seonjun pulling the trigger, hitting Johnny in the chest.

“NO!”, you screamed, getting off Seonjun and getting on top of him, fighting against him. Something clicked inside of you and you went mental, hitting and punching him. You noticed a crowbar beside you, and you grabbed it. The others saw you and they tried to stop you, but it was no use. You lifted the crowbar, and started hitting Seonjun over the head. Blow after blow, you didn’t stop until you were sure he was dead. Blood splashing you in the face, you dropped the crowbar, getting off of Seonjun’s lifeless body. To make sure he was actually dead, you grabbed a gun and pulled the trigger, hitting him several times in the chest, screaming at the top of your lungs.

You dropped the gun and ran towards Johnny, blood gushing out of his chest. “Johnny, baby, stay with me, please”, you cried, putting pressure on his wound, making Johnny cry of pain. You looked around and saw his members standing there, frozen. “What are you just standing there for? HELP ME!”, you screamed, the others came to their senses and ran towards Johnny, Jaehyun pulling you off him so Taeyong and Yuta could lift him. You thrashed against Jaehyun, kicking your feet out, crying your heart out. You suddenly felt yourself growing tired, falling into Jaehyun. He picked you up and took one last glance at Seonjun, his body just lying there, motionless. He scoffed and left, holding you in his arms as he followed the others to the van.

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You sat by Johnny’s bed, his body motionless. You held his hand, gripping it tightly. You haven’t stopped crying, your body growing exhausted from the amount of crying you’ve done. “Johnny, you need to wake up soon, ok? Please, don’t give up on me. I didn’t give up on you, so don’t you dare leave me”, you said through your tears. It’s been a couple of hours since he got shot and thankfully, they patched him up just in time. He only lost a bit of blood, but you’re still worried about him.

A hand moving got your attention, noticing Johnny’s eyes opening. “Oh my god, you’re awake”, you said, smiling, the taste of salty tears on your lips. Johnny sat up, wincing, but managed to sit up successfully without help. “Hey, baby”, Johnny smiled at you, the feeling of your lips on his forehead. “He’s awake!”, you yelled to no one in particular, Jaehyun and Taeyong running in, seeing their leader awake. You hugged Johnny, crying tears of happiness. He hugged you back, not caring about the pain in his chest.

“By the way, what happened to Seonjun?”, Johnny asked, Jaehyun and Taeyong looking at you. “Your girlfriend literally beat him to death”, Taeyong said, Johnny looking at you with wide eyes. You looked down at your knuckles, all bruised and bloody. Johnny lifted your chin with his finger, using his thumb to wipe the lipstick smudge at the corner of your red lips.

“Guess we don’t need to worry about him anymore”, Johnny smiled softly, you nodding your head. After beating Seonjun up, you felt….. different. You felt like a different person and to be honest, you don’t like it. You felt like a murderer and Johnny could sense there was something off by your facial expression. “Red, look at me”, Johnny instructed, and you did. Tears pooled at the corner of your eyes, threatening to spill. Johnny wiped the tears away from your eyes, stroking your cheek.

“What you did, don’t feel guilty, ok? He was a disgusting individual and he got what was coming to him”, he said, trying to reassure you. You sighed and nodded your head, sitting back in the chair.

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A few days had passed since Johnny got shot, and he seemed to be doing better. He sat at the edge of the bed, looking at his bare chest in the mirror. He ran his fingers over the area where he was shot, and he just smiled. “You’re a warrior, you know?”, you leaned against the door frame of your bedroom, admiring Johnny. He just chuckled at you, patting the bed next to him.

“Well, I guess we’re both warriors”, he smiled at you as you sat next to him. You ran your hand over his shoulder, up to his face and pulled him in for a passionate kiss. Johnny gripped the hem of your t-shirt, lifting it up and over your head. He laid you down softly, your back hitting the sheets.

Sounds of pleasure escaped your mouths, your skin hot to Johnny’s touch. The night was filled with soft, passionate love making. Your hands gripped his back, nails digging into his shoulder blades. You soon fell asleep in his arms, your head buried into his chest, soft snores leaving the both of you.

The sound of a door banging woke you up from your slumber, noticing the sun peeking in through the curtains. The clock read 7am, making you confused at who the fuck would be at your door at this hour of the morning. You put Johnny’s shirt over your bare chest, the shirt covering your panties. You tiptoed down the stairs, being on edge. You peeped through the peephole, seeing an unusual man standing at the door. You hesitated before opening the door slowly. You stared at the man as he turned around, when suddenly…

Bang

The sound of a gun going off woke Johnny up, and he sat up immediately. He saw your side of the bed empty and got off the bed. He didn’t bother putting a shirt on and ran down the stairs in his boxers, thinking the worst. He stood by the front door, seeing the scene in front of him: you were standing there, blood splatters on your face and Johnny’s shirt, the dead body of a man lying on the doorstep. Both yours and Johnny’s eyes set on the culprit: Jaehyun. “Jaehyun? What are you doing here? And what the fuck happened?”, Johnny asked, holding you in his arms while you wiped the blood off your face.

“Well, I couldn’t really sleep so I decided to go for a drive. I saw a strange looking van and thought I should follow it, and that’s when I saw the van pull up outside your house. I stayed hidden while I saw him get out of his van, and I noticed a gun in his hand. That’s when I quietly got out of the car, and here we are”, Jaehyun explained. “Do you know who this guy is?”Johnny asked and you bent down to identify the body. You turned him around and that’s when you fell backwards out of shock.

“What? Do you know him?”, Jaehyun asked and you looked up at him. “This is the guy that served me my coffee the day I got kidnapped”, you said, your breathing starting to get heavy. Johnny brought you into his arms and calmed you down. If people like him were everywhere, you knew that you’re not safe.

“What do we do? If they’re everywhere, we’re not safe”, you said, looking at both of them. “Jaehyun, you take his body and dump it somewhere. Honey, come with me”, Johnny said and held your hand, leading you somewhere. Jaehyun picked up the guy’s dead body, and put it in the boot of his car, before driving off.

Johnny sat you down on the couch in the living room, putting his hands on your knees. He looked you in the eyes, and you didn’t recognise the emotion in them. “You trust me, right?”, Johnny asked and you were confused. “Of course I do. Johnny, what are you thinking?”, you asked, afraid of what he was thinking. Johnny sighed and hesitated before speaking. “What I need you to do is this: run away. Run as far from here as possible. Make sure you leave no trace where they can’t find you. We’ll find each other again, I promise”, he said and you were shocked. He really thinks you’re just going to leave him? After everything you’ve been through?

“No, absolutely not. We’re in this together, don’t tell me you forgot about the pact we made? One of us dies, the other goes too? Well, it’s also about us sticking together, no matter what the fuck happens, ok? So, no. I’m staying here”, you stood your ground, not wanting to leave him. Johnny stood up, tugging his hair. “Baby, I’m doing this to protect us all, and we’ll find each other again. Whether that’s tomorrow, next week or next month. I fucking love you and there’s absolutely no way I’m leaving you, so don’t think that. Now, I’m not asking you, I’m telling you: I want you to run far from here”, he said, you just sitting there, taking his words in.

Johnny had a point and he didn’t want any of his members to get hurt, and you felt selfish for refusing, just thinking about the two of you. You stood up and stared him dead in the eye. “Tell me what I need to do”, you said and Johnny sighed out of relief, thankful that you listened to him. “Ok so, pack a bag of clothes and a gun, just in case. Don’t take your phone, they’ll be able to track you otherwise”, Johnny said, and hearing him tell you not to take your phone made your eyes widen.

“B-but, how will I contact you and the guys?”, you asked, scared that you won’t be able to contact him without it. “Don’t worry honey. We’ll find each other. We always do, don’t we?”, he said and kissed your forehead, pushing you towards the stairs to get ready.

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You grabbed your duffel bag, leaving the house. You turned around and took one last look at Johnny, the last look you’ll give him for god knows how long. Your sister was sitting in the car, waiting for you to get in. You dropped your duffel bag, ran to Johnny and pulled him in for a passionate kiss. Johnny tasted his tears through the kiss, the saltiness mixing in with the saliva as you pulled away. You were both crying, leaving each other for a while but it was for the best. “I love you”, you said to Johnny, walking to your sister's car. “I love you too, Red”, Johnny said, the nickname he gave you slipping off his tongue. You got in the passenger seat, hugging your sister.

You told your sister to drive to the airport, and you waved to Johnny, seeing him wave back. You thought it would be best to leave the country, your sister going with you. “You got everything?”, you asked your sister, looking at her while she focused on the road. “Yeah, I even left my phone at home. My poor phone”, she said dramatically, making you laugh. She was always dramatic during situations like these, but she only did that to make you laugh, something she’s done since you were younger.

You both arrived at the airport, getting your stuff out the boot and walking towards the terminal. You both went through the terminal and then headed towards where your plane is, walking along the bridge side by side. “You ok?”, your sister asked, sensing your uneasiness. “Yeah, just thinking. What if they end up finding us?”, you said, worry in your voice. “Hey, whatever happens, just know that we have each other”, she reassured you and you smiled, walking onto the plane. The steward showed you your seats and you both sat down, getting ready to be in for a long journey.

The plane took off and you both held hands, smiling at each other. You then linked your pinkies together and, at the same time, whispered out ‘together’, which is your way of saying, ‘through thick and thin, I’ll stay by your side, no matter what’.

After a long 11 and a half hours, you had finally landed in London. You got your stuff and walked off the plane, your sister following behind you. You walked through the terminal, and then you left the airport. You called for a taxi and the both of you got in, telling the driver to take you to the nearest hotel.

The driver pulled up outside the hotel, putting the brakes on. You thanked the driver and went to pay, but realised you had no money. “Shit, I have no money”, you said to your sister, her eyes widening. “Don’t worry ladies. It’s ok”, the driver suddenly said, shocking the both of you. You thanked the driver and got out, grabbing your bags and heading into the hotel. You went to the front desk and asked for a room. “I already have a room for you ladies, here’s your key. Don’t worry, it’s already paid for”, the lady said, handing you your keycard. You were confused as to who could have done that. The only people who know you’re out of the country are the guys but, how did they know the exact hotel to pay for?

You decided to let it go and grabbed the keycard and went to your room. You used the keycard to unlock your room, and went inside. You saw two king size beds, a flatscreen tv and a bar. You didn’t care who paid for the room, since you were in love.

Your sister threw herself on one of the beds, which made you laugh. You did the same, and felt like you were on cloud nine. Being in an expensive hotel room, a bar full of wine and staying with your sister was your ideal heaven. If only Johnny was here. You sighed and closed your eyes, feeling the jetlag getting to you.

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It’s been about 3 months since you left Seoul, and you were sitting on the edge of your bed, applying your red lipstick to your lips. “Wow, you look nice”, your sister said, admiring the black dress you were wearing. You smiled at the compliment and put your heels on, grabbing your purse. “You sure you don’t want to come out with me?”, you asked, watching your sister use a towel to run through her wet hair. “I’m sure. I’ll probably have an early night. I’m tired”, your sister yawned, you cooed at your younger sister. “Well, see you when I get back”, you said, and placed a kiss on the top of her head, waving her goodbye as you left the room.

You left the hotel, heading to a bar, your purse swinging with every step you take. You were admiring the building around you, not looking where you were going when suddenly, you knocked into someone. Your purse fell on the floor, everything falling out of it. “Oh my god, I’m so sorry”, you said, bending down to pick everything up. “It’s alright, honey”, the familiar voice rang in your ears, making you look up. After 3 whole months, the man you love with your whole life is standing in front of you.

“Oh my god, Johnny”, you yelled, not caring if people stare at you, as you stood up and threw yourself in his arms, tears rolling down your cheeks. “I missed you so fucking much, oh my god. Is this real? Holy shit”, you rambled on, Johnny’s laughter ringing in your ears. You pulled away from the hug and inspected him. His black hair was now a light brown, and his hair was longer. Your appearance had changed too: your hair, which was down your back, was now just above your shoulders, and dyed brown. “Where are the others?”, you asked. “Oh, we actually found an empty building and decided to use that as our new base. The others are there now”, Johnny said, and you still couldn’t believe he was standing in front of you.

You just couldn’t help but stare at Johnny. You were so used to seeing him wearing shirts and dress pants, so seeing him wearing tight clothes just…. did something to you. His muscles were exposed by the white t-shirt he was wearing, accompanied by a pair of ripped jeans which made his legs look longer, and his favourite pair of black boots.

Johnny smirked as he saw you staring, more specifically at his muscles, and his laughter brought you out of your trance. “Love, you’re staring again”, he said and you blushed. You may have a habit of staring at Johnny whenever his muscles were exposed and even though he didn’t say anything about it, he chuckled to himself whenever he noticed.

“Oh, you gotta come see our hotel room. It’s so fancy, there’s a wine bar and a flatscreen tv. We felt so expensive just being in there”, you said and Johnny chuckled, following you back to the hotel. Just as you got a couple of feet from the hotel, a massive explosion blasted you backwards, your back hitting the ground with a thud. “y/n!”Johnny ran towards you, helping you up. You saw the whole hotel on fire, a hole in the building. “No, my sister is in there. MINA!”, you shouted, trying to run towards the hotel, but Johnny stopped you. “LET ME GO”, you cried out, struggling against him.

“I know she’s your sister, but you can’t go in there. You’ll get yourself hurt. Let me go”, Johnny said, and ran into the burning building, leaving you there by yourself. You stood there for a few minutes and without thinking, you ran after Johnny, not caring if people called for you to not go in there.

The flames burned against your bare arms, the fumes stinging your eyes. The sound of broken glass getting crushed under your shoes, along with other pieces of debris from the building. You headed straight to the stairs and ran up them, careful not to trip. You managed to reach the floor you were staying on, pushing pieces of debris out of the way. Smoke clouded your vision, making it hard to see or breathe. The sound of people screaming for help and out of pain were heard from all directions, the sound bringing tears to your eyes.

Through the fire and smoke, you saw someone carrying a person. The silhouette came closer and you realised it was Johnny carrying your sister. The feeling of hope inside you soon turned to dread as you realised, Mina wasn’t moving. Johnny saw you and he ran towards you, firefighters moving behind you.

“Miss, you shouldn’t be here. As for you young man, come on”, the firefighters guided you downstairs, making sure you were out safely. You left the burning building and coughed your lungs up, feeling smoke getting into your lungs. You were guided to an ambulance, a paramedic putting an oxygen mask over your mouth. You breathed in the oxygen, soon feeling better.

You saw Johnny placing your sister on a stretcher, another paramedic doing CPR. The paramedic did it for a couple of minutes when you soon saw him shake his head, and stepped backwards. You screamed, tears spilling out of your eyes. Your sister was the only family you had left, and now she’s gone. You took the oxygen mask of you, and ran towards her, her pale face covered in burn marks and cuts. You fell to your knees, holding your hand. “No, please. You’re not supposed to leave me so soon. Wake up”, you cried, Johnny putting a hand on your shoulder, everyone looking at you crying. “WAKE UP”, you screamed, startling some people from how loud your voice was.

You stood up and watched the paramedics take your sister's lifeless body away, putting her in the back of the ambulance. You felt your blood boil, wanting to kill whoever did this. Johnny held your hand and took you to his car, clutching your purse in your hand.

Johnny sped to the base, his hands gripping the steering wheel, his fingers going white. You had a face like thunder, feeling so angry at the fact that your sister was killed, no, murdered. Johnny arrived at the base, you looking at how big it was. Johnny slammed the brakes on, turning the ignition off. You took your seatbelt off, got out the car and slammed the door behind you, storming into the building.

You opened the door, walked in, and saw Jaehyun. “y/n?”, he said, and you walked up to him, hugging him tightly. He hugged you back, and you cried. Out of anger, sadness, tiredness and just because you’re so done with everything. Jaehyun rubbed your back and Johnny walked in, seeing the two of you. “What the fuck happened?”, Jaehyun asked, seeing the state the both of you were in.

“The hotel y/n and her sister were staying in? Some fucker thought it would be funny and blow it up. And now Mina is dead”, Johnny said, voice full of anger and frustration. “Shit”, Jaehyun said, pulling you in tighter. You pulled out of the hug and straightened your dress. You wiped down your dress, getting rid of any dust and smoke that went on it.

Johnny showed you to where your room was, and you stripped yourself down, your bare body feeling the sudden cold. You walked into the ensuite bathroom and decided to get a shower.

The warm water ran down your back, the water relaxing your muscles. Your tears suddenly got mixed in with the water, sobs leaving you. You felt someone behind you, engulfed you in his arms. Johnny turned you around, burying your face in his chest, running his hand through your wet hair.

You pulled away from Johnny and held his cheek, bringing his face down to you, and attached your lips to his. The taste of your salty tears mixed in with the water, the kiss deepening. Johnny pushed you up against the wall gently, holding your hips. You moaned softly into the kiss, his mouth swallowing it up. He stuck his tongue in your mouth, making you gasp. You pulled away, stopping before the kiss escalated.

You both washed each other's hair and body, and got out of the shower, wrapping a towel around your bodies. You finally felt clean, no longer covered in dirt and ash. You left the bathroom and got dried and dressed, flopping down on the comfy bed. Johnny got into bed after you and pulled you into him, putting your head on his chest. The sound of his breathing lulled you to sleep, falling into dreamland.

-------------------------------

It was the day of Mina’s funeral, and you looked at yourself in the mirror. Your bold red lip stood out from the natural eye makeup you had on. You slipped on your black jacket over your dress, smoothing the material down. You put on your boots, and walked out the bedroom. You stood there for a moment, trying to keep your tears in. Johnny walked up to you and held his hand out, a sombre expression painting his face.

You held his hand and you left the building, heading towards Johnny’s car. Johnny started the car and drove away, following the hearse in front of him. He drove with one hand and held yours with his other, putting it to his lips and kissing it every now and then.

You arrived at where the funeral was taking place, and you got out of the car. You and Johnny looked at each other for a moment before you walked forward, hand in hand, towards the building.

The entirety of the funeral was full of crying. It was just you and the guys at the funeral, along with the vicar. It was now time to bury her body, all of you standing round the coffin. You all said a little something before the coffin was lowered into the ground. You looked up and suddenly saw someone walking away, and you let go of Johnny’s hand. “I’ll be right back”, you said through sniffles, and Johnny watched you as you walked away, going towards the figure in all black.

You caught up with the figure, calling out to them. “Hey, what are you doing?”, you asked, trying to keep your voice steady. The figure just stood there, not moving a muscle. “Hey, asshole, I’m talking to you”, you shouted and it got the attention of the others. They all turned their heads and saw you trying to get the attention of a mysterious individual.

The person suddenly turned around, showing their face. They had a scar across their face, going from the corner of their right eye down to the corner of the left side of their mouth. The man in front of you gave you a sickening grin, taking a gun out of his pocket, aiming it at you. You didn’t even flinch when the gun pointed at you, your eyes just staring at the man. You had no facial expression, you just stood there, emotionless. The guys saw the gun and went to help but you turned to look at them.

“Please don’t get involved, ok? I want you guys to stay there and let me handle this”, you said, sounding rather calm, which scared the others, especially Johnny. They’re not used to seeing you like this, so it frightened them to the core.

You walked slowly towards the man, taking the gun off him gently. The fact that you were being so calm right now made the man confused, wanting him for you to be scared and scream out. You held the gun and aimed it at the man.

“How many?”, you asked, your voice sounding calm, which was the total opposite of the rage you were currently feeling. “I don’t know what you’re talking about, darling. You need to be specific”, the man said, smirking at you. “How many of you are left?”, you asked again, being more specific this time. “I don’t know”, the man just replied, shrugging his shoulders. But you didn’t like that.

“HOW MANY ARE THERE?!”, you suddenly shouted, startling everyone around you. The man jumped backwards, fearing you all of a sudden. “It’s just me. I’m the only one left”, the man said quickly, hoping you would believe him. “I swear, I’m the only one left. I’m not lying”, he added on quickly, your face still emotionless.

You looked down at the ground, lowering the gun. The man sighed out of relief, thinking he’s now safe. You suddenly looked up again and stared at him for a few seconds. “Good”, that’s all you said before you pulled the trigger, shooting him right in the head. His body hit the ground with a thud, you dropping the gun to the floor. You turned around and walked towards the guys, ignoring their expressions. You walked to where your sisters had been buried, and just stood there. The guys suddenly appeared behind you, Johnny wrapping his arms around you and putting his chin on the top of your head. “I love you, Mina. Rest well, my angel”, you said, a tear rolling down your cheek. You all went to your cars, hoping your new lives in London would get better.

#johnny suh imagines #johnny suh scenarios #johnny suh angst #johnny suh au #johnny suh x reader #johnny suh #nct 127 imagines #nct 127 scenarios #nct 127 angst #nct 127 au #nct 127 x reader #nct 127

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espresseo-cafe · 5 months

Text

life is still beautiful | johnny | ch.2

genre: cappucino, romance, angst, university!au, dad!au, drama, slice of life

pairing: collegestudent!johnny x fem!reader

bean count: 3.7k

a/n: ch.2 is here! enjoy reading my beans 🤎 note: this is only a work of fiction, it doesn’t reflect the artists’ personalities in any way.

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“y/n,” your professor jogged up to you, the papers in her arms all hugged up towards her chest. “you got time?”

you drank your cup of latte as you turned to face her, sipping the last bit of it before discarding it to the bin close by. “yes ms. lee, what is it?”

“your grades are coming up the ranks, you’re in the top 10.” she fixed her glasses, her smile widening little by little announcing such a news to you. “i see so much improvement compared to when you started back in year one. i’m not being biased but don’t tell anyone you’re one of my favourites of your year.”

assuring, that was what you felt as those words filled your ears and infiltrated down to your heart; causing it to expand around your body in a warm, fuzzy, feeling. like a warm cup of chocolate to tend to the cold weather, it was music to your ears. you may not show it, but you were happy, too happy that you might as well run around the campus.

“thank you, professor.” you smiled, your feet tapping a little too much, to which she noticed.

“you deserve it, y/n.” she patted your arm before shaking it softly, “because of that, you’re already in the dean’s list for this course. congrats.”

now this time you were jumping small hops. “this is amazing! i’m out of words!”

“yeah, if only your parents could see how much you’ve grown.” she said cautiously, knowing about your relationship with them. but you knew it’d come, it was natural to bring up your achievements to your parents.

if only they paid attention.

giving her a nod, you looked down at the mention of your mom and dad. the air slowly tightened, the atmosphere immediately became awkward. “i hope so. uh, i’ll have to go to my part time at the kindergarten. don’t wanna be late.” you somewhat said enthusiastically.

“oh yes, yes. you should get going.” she gestured for you to leave, “i’ll see you at the dean’s camp in two months okay?”

“yeah, see you.”

that was one of the advantages of taking this course, you could have a part time whilst studying. to gain experience, and the other? interacting with little kids. growing up as an only child, you’ve always wanted to have a companion but obviously your parents’ relationship were already in the rocks not too long after you were born.

tapping your card to enter the pre-school, you were greeted by yeri, who was a new part timer and your junior. you held in a laughter when she was struggling to make three of the kids to stop crying. “y/n! thank heavens you’re finally here! a little help please?”

you approached the kids who were throwing fits. “alright, who wants a marshmallow?” you sat in front of them eye to eye level, making all three look at you, hiccupping and sniffing.

“me.” they said in unison.

“okay, then could you help me with something?” you said softly, smiling, but your voice was firm.

“yes.”

“if you stop crying and behave, and help clean up your toys, i’ll give you three marshmallows each.”

the kids immediately stood up, wiping their faces and racing to pick up the toys that were scattered around the classroom. yeri shook her head in amazement, “wow, bribing them with a treat? they never mentioned it in the books.”

“i’m surprised you’ve never thought about that.” you teased, putting your bag away in a staff shelf, just beside yeri’s belongings. “we have until 5pm. who else isn’t here?”

“um.” yeri flipped a notebook, her finger lining the roll call book. “liam and jade.”

“hm,” your finger ran through your chin, “jade i can understand, because they recently moved apartments, they’re still adjusting. but liam? it’s been a few days that he’s been late.”

“maybe his family moved as well?” yeri suggested, making you pull a face. “what? it’s a possibility. and to add, he’s your favorite kid over here, you always ask for the boy.”

“he’s adorable! and he’s a smart kid.” you reasoned out, “look, maybe-“ your phone rang, a notification showed up. yeri looked on your phone so nosily, nearly choking on her water.

“since when did you start using love click?” she coughed, a smile evident on her face.

“since two days ago.. yoohyeon forced me to make one and apparently make out with someone.” you sighed, taking your phone.

yeri’s laughter heard in your ears. “well, she made a right suggestion, you need to date at least once in your life, y/n. so, the app found you a match?”

“yeah, after two days. talk about consistency.” you unlocked your phone, the notification made you want to gag. “‘we have found you a match!’ it says. ugh, i’m disgusted.”

“you scared you’ll date a weird, creepy guy?”

“i’d rather switch to tinder thank you very much.”

the door opened to reveal liam running towards the classroom. “miss y/n, liam here!”

“hi liam!” you put your phone down, walking towards the little boy and knelt in front of him. yeri sighed, then smiling at you. you were a good teacher, but you sure did have favourites.

—

johnny never expected to look after or raise a child so early in his life. funny how a child could change someone instantly, now he was his whole world. it was like an instinct he was meant to have, sure, the first few weeks were the worst. youngmin would cry every single time he couldn’t drink milk, and obviously, johnny could definitely not provide such skin to skin contact. though his research; he found out that youngmin could start milk formula straight away. most of the time he was a quiet and a happy baby.

now that he was a little bit older, youngmin was vocal in almost about anything. johnny looked through the shelf full of toddler toys, pondering on which theme or gift he’d get for youngmin. most of it were either paw patrol or marvel related, and being the marvel fan he was, johnny set his mind on the superhero team.

taeyong looked at the older boy, a smirk unreadable. “you’re really going all out this year for youngmin’s second birthday.”

“of course man, youngmin was struck by a fever last year that we had to postpone his birthday trip to chicago. on his first birthday.” johnny told him as he ran his hands along the captain america plushies. “and thanks to that, i missed a week full of lectures due to flu and fever.”

“that’s understood. and don’t stress too much about it, the guys and i will be here to help.” taeyong reassured him, knowing that johnny did so much to raise a little boy whilst studying. it amazed him how his friend was able to manage such a tedious task.

“thanks bro, i’m glad-“ his back hit on someone briefly, and he mumbled an apology before continue his conversation, “-that you guys could look after youngmin when i’m busy with projects. my parents lived quite far at the time.”

taeyong brushed his tongue, “you still owe me a couple of bucks for babysitting your kid while you studied for your exams.”

your kid.. johnny still felt jittery whenever youngmin was referred to as his. the feeling just hitting him every now and then, and when did, he was really happy. “hey, i never agreed to pay you.”

taeyong gave a giggle that every mother at the toys’ aisle looked at him as if he came out of a novel. “i know, i know. i was just kidding.”

“come on, let’s just get on with shopping.” johnny shook his head while his friend followed him suit.

the moment you stepped out of the mall, yoohyeon questioned your weird gesture as you walked towards her, your hand rubbing your forehead to soothe the pain from whatever happened earlier.

she sipped on her iced lemon tea, later throwing it away. “okay i know you could be sensitive, but what on earth happened to your forehead?”

you hissed at the sore, stinging feeling. “i’d like to know too. some guy was busy walking backwards while talking to his friend.”

“did he apologise though?” she asked as you both walked towards elevator to the carpark.

“yeah but man that guy really has a strong built.” you shook the bag, “alright, i got my niece’s gifts. we’ve got to get wrapping!”

“how many kid parties are we attending this month?” yoohyeon whined, “i’m getting tired of being your bag holder.”

“can’t help that our past seniors and teachers chose me as their kids’ godmother.” you fixed the items in the paper bags. “i don’t know why they love me so much.”

yoohyeon gasped as if she heard the same self appraisal. “pfft, don’t act humble. you clearly know why you’re the favoured person.”

you giggled, you loved the feeling of being trusted. so you guessed it was normal to be all out, somehow you had to control the spending spree. “there’s still one more party so that’ll be our last item to look for.”

“ugh finally! i could rest my legs from walking the whole day!” yoohyeon smiled, walking ahead of you.

thank goodness you made it home before the thunderstorm came crashing in the city. sitting in front of your study table, you scrolled through youtube to watch some videos. your projects and essays were done, so a leisure time on the net was a way to go to bring your mind out of stress and deadlines.

asmr cooking videos were a favourite, you had learnt to cook by just watching and yoohyeon was probably so spoiled by you.

a knock heard from the door. yoohyeon came out from the bathroom as she brushed her teeth, her wet hair wrapped with a towel. opening the door, yeri stood with her belongings; her face all red, her eyes all puffy, and her clothes soaked from the rain, head to toe.

“oh crap.” she incoherently mumbled. “y/n! your minion’s here!”

“yeri?” you looked by the door, walking towards it. “what happened?” you asked worriedly and took her belongings, giving her space to enter before quickly grabbing a spare towel to keep her from catching a cold. “you’re all soaked.”

“i couldn’t take it anymore, y/n.” she sniffed, “the hate and the backstabbing and all.”

“you must be tired.” wiping her face with the towel. “tell us after you have yourself cleaned.”

you paced around the dorm while giving small little bites on your finger. you knew the rumours that has been going around her. and they weren’t good ones. yoohyeon tapping her foot slightly frustrated, saying that you worried too much and should calm down.

calming down was an option you considered. worrying was a trait you wished you never entertained or had. it all started back at home, when all that worrying in your head would become reality if you see either your mom or dad leaving with a luggage in hand.

yeri was sure taking her time in there, and it was quiet.. too quiet that yoohyeon and yourself looked at each other. yoohyeon knocked on the door, calling her name out as you took the spare keys.

the door flung open and the both of you see yeri laying on floor as if she passed out. yoohyeon squealed in shock while you remained calm, checking for any injuries. to your relief, there weren’t any so you proceeded feeling her heartbeat, it slowly beating under your fingers. she must’ve fainted from exhaustion, you thought. you asked yoohyeon to call an ambulance, them arrving in five minutes.

it was about five in the afternoon when yeri woke up, blinking quickly when she saw you seated beside her. tearing up, she apologised for being a nuisance.

“you were never a nuisance, yeri.” you patted her head, “what’s really going on?”

yeri bubbled her cheeks, her eyes darting across the room. “my roommates jennifer and others set me up with this guy- mark lee, the transferee from vancouver. they told me he liked me, and said that he was waiting for me at the rooftop.” you nodded as she continued, “he was there, and i was too excited that i told him that i liked him as well. he was puzzled and left, and then my roommates were watching the whole time while taking a video, laughing.”

you scoffed, “who are these girls? imma give them a lesson or two if they need any.”

“no. you don’t want to mess with them, their families are big names around here. it’ll be messy if you get involved.”

“okay, in the meantime you can stay in my dorm until we find you a new one.” you smiled, patting her head once again, “i have to get going, got dinner to make. you rest well for the night, okay?”

yeri waved with a small smile before the door slid close, fading away as you were out of sight. she sighed, reaching for her phone in her bag. she wanted to tell you more about her life in university. how it wasn’t as fun as she thought it’d be. she was about to shoot you a text message when the door slid open again.

this time, it wasn’t you. but she was happy to see this certain person, it had been a while since they’ve hung out.

“i heard the nurses call your name when i stopped by to submit some health records.” he said, taking his cap off and hanging it on the clothes rack nearby. “what happened?”

yeri smiled from ear to ear. “johnny! i’m glad you’re here. i just had a concussion when i visited my senior. she brought me here.”

“well i gotta thank her when i see her then.” johnny patted her head and her eyes widened as her skin turned a little pink. this little expression caught johnny’s attention. “what’s with your face?”

“uh..” she looked away, her lips pressed into a thin line. she did the same thing before she left. “oh! i know! i’ll set you guys both up! you’ve broken up with minji right?”

johnny flared his nose and snickered, “yeah and where’d you hear that from?”

“lucas.”

“and where did lucas hear that from?” he asked before he and yeri answered the same time.

“jungwoo.”

they both laughed for a minute and johnny immediately felt bad for leaving early when he just got here. “sorry yeri, i have to take my leave, youngmin’s at my parents place and i have to bring him home to the dorms for dinner.”

“it’s alright, you haven’t been bringing him to uni lately. i miss that little cutie.” yeri smiled, already shooing him away.

“he started playgroup lately. he’s a busy kid now.” he chuckled. “oh be there for youngmin’s second birthday! at the mom and dad’s home.” he handed her an invitation and her eyes lit up.

“great! i’ll be there.”

—

you stared at your phone back and forth while having breakfast with yoohyeon in the morning. your foot placed on the chair while eating your omelette with bacon and kimchi fried rice, yoohyeon curled her tongue and held in a laugh.

“can’t you stay put y/n?” she chewed in between words, “what are you glancing back and forth of your phone for?”

“this app you told me to download and try doesn’t work, does it?” yoohyeon’s eyes grew wide hearing those words from you. you didn’t show any interest after she had told you about it, and to see this unleash before her eyes was something new to her. “it says they’ve found me a match but it’s been two weeks and nothing’s happened.”

“oh honey you gotta check if you accepted it. it’s kinda like a friend request.”

raising your brows, “maybe the person didn’t accept it too.” you checked on the match this ridiculous app paired you with, yoohyeon asking the information of your possible partner. “i don’t know.. what if this person is a creep?”

yoohyeon by now didn’t even bother counting the times she rolled her eyes at you, chewing so unladylike before putting down her bowl, “here lemme see.” showing you the plus button to accept the match.

“now that you’ve done it, i’m actually creeped out.” staring at the username, you didnt’t really know what to feel. maybe it was the right time to start searching, your university years would finish two summers later and yoohyeon would tease you about it and you’d probably won’t hear the end of it either.

“so which one of your godchildrens’ birthdays are we going to first? i’m only in it for the food and gossips.”

“i swear you’re gonna be that annoying auntie who’d pester the kids.” you laughed, checking your schedule on your desktop, “let’s see, gotta attend kahi-unnie’s son’s birthday and we’ll go from there onwards. goodness, they’re all on the same day.”

you were thankful that yoohyeon accompanied you to buy gifts for your godchildren but wanted to strangle her for leaving you behind with a huge gift. a step forward you almost tripped when a hand grabbed your arm.

“oh minhyun,” you jumped a little in surprise, seeing him smiling at you then shaking his head at his girlfriend’s figure walking towards the party.

minhyun just smiled at you before letting your hand go and carried the big, yellow wrapped gift. “that’s minhyun-oppa for you.”

you groaned and chuckled, “i don’t want to call you that, it’s corny.”

he clicked his tongue hearing your response, “you’re like a little sister so you got no choice, y/n.”

you started to walk to kahi’s house with minhyun, “tell yoohyeon she owes me a ramen dinner.” seeing kahi waving at you in joy.

“having too much ramen isn’t healthy, lil sis!” you rolled your eyes at his constant reminder.

“auntie y/n!” kahi’s 4 year old son, noah, hugged your legs before letting out a high pitched squeal, seeing his gift double his size, “is that mine?!”

you ruffled his head and knelt down to his eye level, “yes it is! but, you can open it once the party is finished.” he gave you a pout so hilariously funny before walking backwards with his arms crossed. you turned to kahi only to realize she was pregnant.

“oh- wow, noah seems to want another playmate. congrats!”

“baby number 3.” she winked, “i hope it’s a girl this time.”

the party was decorated with colourful balloons and streamers of blue and white, stripes were the accent, anchored plushies for little chair cushions, and sailor hats were used in exchange for traditional coned ones.

kahi really went out this time, given with the fact she was busy at work for noah’s previous birthdays. being a co-owner of a performing arts center sure took most of her time. and now that she was on maternity leave, she’d spend it more with her sons.

she excused herself while she tended to other guests of the party, so you chose to walk around the area to admire the scenery.

you inhaled the fresh breeze that greeted you with serenity, it has been a while since you encountered this kind of peace. it wrapped you figure in a hug you wished you had before. it was cool; yet it was gentle, contrary to the gushing storm you had back home.

sometimes you unconsiously wondered how your parents were, but you brushed it off before it ruined your mood. spotting a fruit punch section, you decided to cool your mind even further while the heat started to prick your skin.

you wanted to squeal in joy when the mixture of bright fruits zapped up together with light alcohol- the tanginess from pineapples and passionfruits, the sweetness from mangoes, and zesty lemons and oranges were a sweet wake up call.

though that caught your attention in your tastebuds, something else diverted that. a tug from below the table made you look down, it was a toddler’s hand gripping your favorite floral dress.

ah, my heart’s melting, you thought.

you didn’t know why but he made you smile like an idiot.. this baby was cute, too cute he looked up at you and showed off his growing bunny teeth.

“hey there little cutie. what are you doing under the table?” you asked him, bending down to see him eating a bite-sized donut. “afraid of too many people?”

the toddler just hummed, as if he understood clearly. well, you couldn’t tell how old he was because he was rather big. maybe two and half years old? you weren’t sure. you peeked around to see if his parents were looking for him, but none, much to your dismay.

you didn’t want to leave him alone, so you gestured for him to follow you towards the open balcony. only to have your heart melted even more when he reached both of his hands to you, asking for a carry.

“oh.” you smiled and picked him up as he rubbed his eyes. “aw, you tired buddy? where’s your mom and dad?”

it wasn’t quite audible for you to hear but the kid mumbled a lot, it was adorable. fortunately, he liked the sun and slept in your embrace in a jiffy, nuzzling his little face on your shoulder.

johnny could barely escape the doting mothers and single ladies of his senior’s friends. they asked him so many questions about his personal life when he probably repeated several variations of the same answers.

he finally could get a breather after he politely excused himself from the crowd, not forgetting that he didn’t come to the party alone. he sighed a bit tiredly until he saw fruit punch on the table, thinking he could relax a little after a drink.

the sun greeted him brightly that he used his forearm to shield his eyes from its rays. if the sun wasn’t so bright, he probably could make out what he was seeing in front of him quicker before his heart garnered him stunned:

it was a faint sihouette of a young lady whose back was facing him, carrying youngmin gently as she cradled him to sleep.

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taglist: @titanmaknae29 @joepomonerof @lovesuhng @studyingthemind @cheyehc

68 notes · View notes

rosewould · 2 years

Text

cynics; jns

part vii

masterlist

words; 8.6k

genre; angst!

warnings; self-destructive behavior, mentions of alcohol, mentions of and implied sex, poor mental health, did I miss anything

preface; a song that goes well with this chapter is 'blue ocean floor' by justin timberlake of all people. also are you guys angry about what mc did in this chapter T___T if so which thing LMAO

In school, Jaehyun was an awkward, spindly kid with an unfortunate haircut. You never batted an eye, you were all pretty unfortunate in high school. But you never noticed just how awkward you were until looking back at pictures stuffed in your closet. Taking a look through that shoebox was like entering a time machine. You hadn’t looked at them in ages. They just made you too sad. And while they still squeeze at your heart, you can’t help but laugh. The fact that the three of you were bullied and still felt confident enough to pose in pictures like this was bizarre.

The two of you drifted apart so vastly that you hadn’t thought to check out his streams. You wonder what he looks like now. Did he fill out and get taller like Johnny? Maybe he even got more attractive. Something he and Johnny would have in common as well. You decide to let yourself be surprised when he came.

While you waited, Jaehyun was downtown waiting as well. He turns when he hears a surprised voice call his name and sees Johnny. His hair is longer and he had a little stubble coming along. He looked completely taken aback by how Jaehyun changed.

“Look who’s not scrawny anymore!” he laughs as the two clasp each other by the hand and pull the other into a half hug. Johnny pulls back, seeming genuinely happy as he smiled.

“I would say the same about you, but you're getting there.” Jaehyun teases.

“Get out of here.” Johnny dismisses the jab. The friends find themselves falling right back to the way things were, feeling natural around each other like no time passed. Laughing and bantering in the corner of Johnny’s local coffee shop. The three of you were inseparable as kids. Your bond wasn’t as strong as you and Johnny’s alone, but it was nothing to sneeze at.

You both considered him your second closest friend. He left before you met Taeyong. Johnny falters for a moment, expression going sour as he considers that might have been for the best. Though Johnny missed him dearly, it would be selfish to wish he were still around to endure this whole shitshow. He wonders if he was given the chance to change the past, would he make Jaehyun stay? Act with the same selfishness that hurt you?

“What’s on your mind? Must be so much.” Jaehyun asks in concern. Johnny sighs, forcing a smile.

“I just wonder what would’ve happened if you didn’t leave every now and then.” Johnny responds, pretending his thoughts were solely fond memories of their friendship.

“The moment I boarded that plane, I was thinking about all the things I was already missing. What if your stream blew up without me? What if you replaced me with another friend?” He gives a short laugh before his face hardens a bit. “But most of all, I kept worrying about if you guys would be okay. I had nightmares one of you got really hurt by Hyojong and Hyuna. I felt like I abandoned you guys.” It was so far in the past, yet Johnny could tell a part of Jaehyun still felt bad. It did get worse right after Jaehyun left, but he doesn’t need to know that.

“You don’t need to worry about us. We did just fine. She was stronger than me, she’s the reason we didn’t have to deal with them any more actually.” Johnny recollects that fateful time. The moment Taeyong came into your lives, things started changing around you. Not Hyojong and Hyuna, they were persistent and thought no one could touch them. After all, they were delinquents, Taeyong was a star student heartthrob. Saying their paths didn’t cross would be an understatement. So they didn’t know who they were dealing with.

After they disappeared from school things started to look up. People didn’t just start acknowledging you and Johnny, no, they were sucking up to you. How common is it for peasants to shoot up to nobility? You actually did it. You made it so that the two of you weren’t afraid to go to school.

He never quite thanked you for that.

“Tell me more, I need to know the events that led to this.” Jaehyun leans forward in intrigue and concern. Johnny nips at his bottom lip. Maybe it’s for the best he doesn’t tell everything.

You set your coffee down and rush to the door at the sound of a knock. Opening the door revealed a man only described in romance novels. Your smile falls as you take in his appearance. “...Jaehyun?”

“I’m a little offended I’m not getting hugged right now.” Jaehyun outstretches his arms with a pretend pout. Though he doesn’t look the same, he sure acts the same. You roll your eyes and hug him, making him drop the pout in favor of a warm smile.

“This is more than a glow up, it’s witchcraft.”

As he pulls away his smile fades slightly as he gets a good look at you. He doesn’t pick fun at your appearance like he did Johnny. You notice his shift in mood and get confused.

“You’re still as beautiful as I remember. Even more beautiful, actually.” You brush off his compliment as if you’re not utterly touched and invite him in. It was sweet on its own, but you could hear how genuine the compliment was. It made you feel warm and fuzzy. Pathetic.

“I would ask you how you’re doing but I’ve already heard from literally everyone else.” He settles next to you on the couch. “Everyone can’t stop raving about you. It makes me so happy to hear you’re doing well.”

“You’re buttering me up.” You say, shyly looking to the side. You go to take a sip from your cup before remembering you have a guest. “You want some coffee?”

“No thanks, I’m all coffee’d out now.” He declines politely. From having coffee with Johnny you presume. You open your mouth to ask about it but decide to let it be.

“You don’t want to know from where? With who?” Jaehyun tilts his head forward to catch your gaze. “You’re not going to ask how meeting your ex was?”

“Oh– seriously Jaehyun cut it out!” You slap his shoulder, pulling a laugh from his chest.

“As if you guys weren’t always on the verge of kissing-”

You find yourself easily manhandling this beautiful man as if time never passed. “I’m gonna fuck you up.” You mutter as you grab his collar.

“Okay! Okay. I’m sorry. That’s like the only explanation that makes sense. If not, then what happened?”

You unhand him and settle back into your spot. He didn’t tell him. You feel yourself start to get worked up. You want to tell Jaehyun every horrible name he called you. Tell him about all the times he called you fat. Tell him how he laughed when those idiots ridiculed you. You feel like you’re right on the edge of ruining his relationship with Jaehyun for good. But you stop.

“Whatever happened I just… he’s not doing well.”

You look over at him, witnessing the playful atmosphere slowly dissipate. “I don’t want to impede on your personal conflict, but it just sucks seeing him like this. He seemed fine at first, I was worried after talking to him on the phone. It sounded like he was just crying.”

You shift uncomfortably. You never thought about how all of this might be affecting him. You wanted to be smug about it. It’s what he deserves, right?

“But after we hung out for a while, he just seems like he slowly started to show signs that he was suffering.”

There was no way you’d tell Jaehyun now. Not when there was still a part of you that wanted to prevent bad things from happening to Johnny. It was so easy for Johnny to push aside your well-being for personal gain. Why can’t you be as selfish?

“I won’t be here forever and I don’t know who else he can trust around here. Do you know anyone that can help?”

“I’m not sure.” You dismiss him quickly. It was a bit cold, but you’ve already had your fill of helping Johnny to last you a year. He should be lucky you’re not airing his ass out. With nothing to fill your thoughts, your mind travels to his lack of support. His parents want nothing to do with him after their huge fight over his career choice. The three stooges are gone. He never liked Taeyong much. Mark made his severed ties public. And you were one of the first to go.

Simply blaming it on karma is a temporary solution to your worries, but in your heart was a subtle pain just noticeable enough. Your mind keeps picturing a desolate Johnny lifelessly ambling around his house.

But you promised yourself going forward you’d invest more time and love for the people who return just as much. Jaehyun traveled here to see you and you’re stressing over a dead man. It was time to get serious.

Today is a special day. You hit five hundred thousand followers last week and the numbers were still climbing at the speed of light. You’ve never been on a podcast before. You’ve never even had connections to streamers outside your group before. Everything is changing so quickly.

“We’re here with the hot topic these days ladies and gentlemen.” The podcast host and co-host smile in your and Mark’s direction. The host was a burly man with a commanding presence, his co-host being his polar opposite. From his higher voice to his tendency to look for approval. “We have two members of the hottest crew on Twitch, the Dreamies. Could you introduce yourselves for us?”

The two of you take turns saying your name and handle before the room filled with light applause. The podcast set was very modest. Instead of feeling stuffy, it made for a more relaxing experience. They showered you and Mark with endless compliments, pouring over your achievements and mentioning your impact on the platform.

“I mean, you guys have a proper fandom.” The co-host notes, “Shipping and all.” Both hosts laugh at the way you cringe at the word.

“Yeah… Mark and I have seen the… art.” They laugh even harder at the way you dodge the word you’re all thinking. Despite the shipping, you have very few complaints. You’re finally getting recognition for your skill, your comments and overall community are less bigoted, and you even got recognized in daily life more. You were investing more in yourself and the universe was rewarding you for it.

“Now, not to dampen the mood, but we have to talk about the ginormous elephant in the room.” The host cuts through your laughter with a serious tone. You look at him questioningly, trying to remember if any of the topics you were briefed on were serious.

“You two used to be in Taeyong’s circle, am I correct?”

Your mouth hangs open, nothing but panicked laughter coming through. You can feel Mark peeking over at you.

“Yeah, but I think we’ve said our piece on the matter.” Mark interjects, trying to shut it down before it even began.

“Well you did, but she didn’t.” The co-host gives you a look as if to suggest you’re hiding something. “She’s been the most quiet despite being one of the most speculated aspects of this debacle.” The host talks to Mark before looking at you. “You were the first one to leave that circle. They weren’t exactly Dreamies level, but they were pretty popular. There had to be a reason you’d risk losing eyes to leave.”

After still only coming up with um’s and awkward laughter the host throws his hands up to surrender. “Hey, don’t feel pressured to answer. I’m just sharing what I found odd.”

“No it’s fine, I just look at what happened behind the scenes as personal.” You finally answer.

“At least give us this, does it have anything to do with these Lucas rumors we’re hearing?”

“Lucas rumors…?” You knit my brows together as you look to them for further deliberation.

“You didn’t hear?” The co-host continues when you shake your head, “Twitter has been exploding because of what other streamers had to say about him. Said he was hard to work with, shit-talked them behind their backs, and would even make degrading comments to their face at times.”

“I didn’t believe it at first, I know he’s getting accused as well but I always thought he was a charismatic guy. After a few people I trusted seconded those accounts my jaw hit the floor. Is that true to your experience?”

Coming out and slandering the boys would be pretty dumb on your part. People are waiting for the chance to lash out at any woman streamer on the rise, and your words could easily be turned against you. But if thinking Lucas is an asshole is the popular opinion, you needed to jump at this opportunity.

“You know what? Yes. Absolutely. All of that rings true. I didn’t want to start drama but if other people are coming forward the damage is already done.”

“Yeah, Lucas was definitely a huge jerk.” Mark adds. As you and Mark share a look, you take a guess you share the same thought as well. What about the others?

“So then I was right? That’s the reason you left?” The host leans forward with a hopeful look. No, not entirely was the correct answer. There were three more reasons you left. However, adding more details was potentially messy. Here you had a clean way to get somewhat justice for what happened to you. Plus, to suddenly start bashing everyone could paint you as spiteful and disingenuous.

“Yup. That’s the reason.”

For the rest of the interview you can sense that Mark has something to say to you. It doesn’t surprise you that he’s turning to face you as soon as the cameras are off.

“Why did you lie?” He whispers.

“I didn’t lie.” You reply nonchalantly.

“Lucas was not why you left.”

“He was one of ‘em.” You shoot him a look that communicates how little you want to have this conversation before standing up. Mark follows you all the way out of the studio.

“You know they’re looking for more people for their group now, right? Meaning more people for them to break down.”

“I’m,” You stop, letting the information fully develop in your brain before continuing. “If that does happen then that’s really upsetting-”

“If?” Mark asks incredulously.

“It’s my choice to come forward about the shit that happened to me.” You stop walking and raise your voice. You peer around nervously at the people glancing at you.

“It didn’t just happen to you, though! They treated me horribly as well! And it only got worse after you left. Hell, Lucas, Doyoung, and YangYang even gave Johnny a hard time.”

“What?!” The exclamation comes out before you even process it. Their best friend? The one they used to laugh it up with?

“Yes! Why else do you think I left?”

“I don’t know, because of the way they treated your friend?”

Mark’s face untenses immediately, his mouth falling open in shock. Mortification takes root before he drops his head with a sigh.

“Do you think I didn’t notice your little awkward laughs?”

“I… ah fuck- I’ve been meaning to apologize for that. I was so scared they’d lash out at me if I spoke out.”

“Well,” You exhale sharply and drop your shoulders. “I guess we both have selfish reasons for our decisions.” You turn and continue walking to Mark’s car. You hope that was the last of that conversation, that it’s all out of his system now.

When he enters the driver's side he sits in silence for a beat before turning to you. “I’ve only known you for two years or so, but I still somewhat witnessed how they beat you down.”

You sigh loudly, sinking into your chair.

“There’s some bright-eyed small streamer in line to be crushed in the same way.” He hesitates before continuing, “I know what you’re afraid of.”

You look over at him cautiously.

“You’re afraid people are going to turn against you, or that you’ll somehow fuck things up. That seed of doubt wasn’t planted by you. I felt the same way, it was the reason I sat dormant for so long. Then that night happened where the boys came to “apologize”. I thought I overheard them plotting in the car but brushed it off. Then I saw YangYang making a move on you and I couldn’t ignore it anymore.” Mark taps his index finger against the steering wheel.

“I stopped doubting myself when it felt like it was getting out of hand. I mean, they already destroyed your sense of self, and now they were ready to do more damage? It seemed inhumane.” Mark stops, his eyes wandering. He felt uncomfortable with your silence but pressed on nonetheless. With a sigh, he starts the engine.

“I just don’t think people should get away with stuff like that.”

Jaehyun had been insisting to meet up with Johnny every day. They would go from place to place, but never home.

“We can go to your hotel if that’s what you’d like.” Johnny shrugs, avoiding eye contact.

“That is not what I mean. And what do you mean my hotel.” Jaehyun shifts uncomfortably on the hard bench. He could not understand why they were at a park right now. If there were a place that could be described as “not their scene”, the first place Jaehyun would think of would be a park. Jaehyun thinks for a moment before looking at Johnny confusedly.

“Johnny, are you staying at a hotel?”

Johnny anxiously swirls his vending machine coffee. If he said no Jaehyun would see right through him. He also didn’t want Jaehyun to be offended that he kept that from him. So he just stares into the steaming hot liquid in his cup.

“Why don’t we go to your hotel?” Jaehyun manages to pull Johnny’s head out of his coffee. Johnny laughs humorlessly and shakes his head.

“Nah, there’s not much to see there. Let’s just go to yours.”

Jaehyun’s hotel is definitely a lot nicer than Johnny’s motel, though that’s not a high bar to reach. The state of Johnny’s living arrangement worried Jaehyun, judging by the loaded silence after Johnny insisted to go to Jaehyun’s.

Thankfully, that feeling quickly subsided after one dunk of Johnny’s head into the water. Johnny springs up with a strong gasp before roughhousing ensued. They were the only two at the pool, so they were free to revert to their childish antics as they pleased. For a sweet moment, Johnny was able to stop worrying. He could just focus on the way the surface of the water crashed against his body before he was submerged. Everything else was muted as he sank to the bottom, encased in a personal bubble.

It was serene.

He and Johnny got out to rest in the hot tub nearby. They could relax there for a moment before going to his room to play video games.

“So tell me about this Taeyong fella.” Jaehyun requests as he settles into the water with a grunt. Johnny feels like someone threw ice over his head at the mention of his name. Johnny had just mentioned in passing that he was the reason everything was better for him. He wasn’t looking to expand on that since the details were locked behind a wall preventing him from completely losing it.

“He’s just helped us since around the time you left. It was kind of a “scratch my back I’ll scratch yours” type of thing.”

“I see. How did you guys scratch his?” Jaehyun wades his hands in the water before looking at Johnny. He looks up as he thinks. He never put much thought into how they helped Taeyong. He just always described it as mutually beneficial. Taeyong extending a helping hand to you and Johnny always felt like charity work.

“I wouldn’t be surprised if you didn’t have to do much. He always seemed very kind. Me and Dejun were talking about how he’s one of the only good-natured large streamers.” Jaehyun smiles to himself before peering at Johnny again. His smile falls when he sees his face. “What’s wrong?”

Taeyong wasn’t a good person. Johnny learned that very quickly. The way he led you on while discreetly insulting you when he thought Johnny couldn’t hear. The way he ignored, downplayed, and even laughed at the toxic behavior around him. All while painting himself as this altruistic angel who looked down on all the immoral people he was surrounded by. But he wasn’t looking down on Johnny and the others. He was using them to make himself look better. That’s why he helped them in high school. He was already seen as a saint, but that act of kindness boosted his status even more.

“Hey. Is everything okay?” Jaehyun shakes Johnny by his shoulder but he remains in his dazed state.

“Let’s go to the bar.”

While it was nice to see Taeyong again, the way Nayeon was smiling at you was making you uncomfortable. You shifted awkwardly in your seat as you let out a small laugh to fill the silence.

“What brings the two of you here today?”

“Why so formal? I’ve only known you forever.” Taeyong laughs before looking at Nayeon. Nayeon laughs as well, as best as she can fake it through her clear unease.

“Right, right. Mark told me you asked him to come back to the group, so I’m assuming that’s why you’re here.” You look a little let down when Taeyong makes a face as if he’s been caught. After everything Taeyong has done for you you feel bad about turning him down. You have a great thing going. You’re doing what makes you happy, moving to a new chapter in your life. Regressing to the past didn’t fit what you had in mind.

“Guilty. You know I kicked out those three assholes. There’s not only a nicer atmosphere but a lot more space now.”

“Yeah, about that…”

“I don’t know about you, but I feel so relieved now that they’re gone.” Nayeon adds, placing her hand on Taeyong’s legs. Your disdain for Nayeon had fizzled out a while ago. They seem happy and have been together for a few months now. It was time to grow up and get over this crush. In saying that, something about what she just said made you scowl unintentionally. She seemed pretty close to them when they were here, and now that they’re being dragged by the media she’s against them?

Before you can voice your suspicions, Taeyong is pulling her hand off his lap and placing it on her own. “Didn’t you say you needed to use the bathroom?” The venom in his words makes Nayeon frown, looking at him in confusion. It even catches you off guard. “But you said-”

“You should hurry to the bathroom.” He almost demands. She looks hurt as she agrees. Taeyong was here, smiling and cracking jokes, but there was something forced about it. When you watch him smile, it doesn’t feel too dissimilar to how he usually is. You can’t tell if he’s acting weird right now or if you’re just now picking up on how he’s always been. You get a bitter taste in your mouth and grimace.

“Taeyong, everything okay?” You ask once Nayeon is closed within the bathroom. Taeyong just smiles wider and pats the seat next to him. You quickly move to sit beside him with a worried look on your face.

“Please don’t look so concerned! I’m fine, I just feel like we haven’t been able to hang out recently.” Taeyong throws his arm on the couch behind you. You’re naturally leaning closer to him, it was a habit you never kicked. Being in his proximity let the little girl with a lingering crush loose. It was bittersweet to bask in his presence but remember that it’s all you’ll get.

There were so many ‘almosts’ and ‘maybes’. You just wondered why after all these years that nothing happened. You could feel that he felt something too.

“Look at you, so cute when something is bothering you.” He slides his hand across your jaw before lifting your chin to look at him. You savor every moment of contact as you look at him through your eyelashes. “Tell me.”

Both Johnny and Jaehyun got better with age, but Taeyong was on a different level. When you saw him in school, you thought an angel had descended and graced you with his presence. Longing gazes at him took up the majority of your time in any class you shared. You stared at pictures of him for hours in the comfort of your bedroom. In your mind, there was no way he could get any better. He was the definition of the perfect man. He only got more handsome while still somehow managing to look like he hadn’t aged at all. He was an enigma. One that was always just out of reach.

If all these things were true, why did you ever get your hopes up to begin with? By dating Nayeon, he’s made it clear how he likes his women. Why would someone hailed as an adonis waste his time on you?

All this success and you were still questioning your worth.

“I’m sorry, I think you should go-”

“Why?” Taeyong drops his arm onto your shoulder and hugs you closer. You were close enough to feel his breath fanning your face. Jungwoo had been too busy to keep you company. For two weeks you’d been laying awake in a cold bed, trying and failing to get yourself off.

You were showered by love on a daily basis, online and in real life. Jaehyun is even back to pitch in. Why couldn’t you just be happy about that? You bite your quivering lip as you grab his face and stare into his eyes.

“Because I’m about to do something stupid, and the consequence might just kill me.” You reveal quietly.

It felt like dozens of tiny needles were puncturing your heart, pushing in deeper with each moment that passes. Your brain goes fuzzy as he presses his lips to yours. There’s a ringing in your ear. The sound of Nayeon leaving the bathroom and promptly leaving your house and slamming the door is muffled. You close your eyes and fade into the kiss.

You feel weightless as he carries you to your bedroom. Pulling away from the kiss feels like losing oxygen. It’s all worth it when you drown in his brown eyes, hopelessly sinking to the bottom.

Mentally, Johnny is drowning as well. Downing drinks until the room starts spinning. You both float, bodies feeling totally numb. Ears plugged with white noise. It’s serene that way. Whether they were trying to block out their destructive thoughts or high on a feeling they’ve craved for years. It was serene.

That morning you wake up to a warm bed.

Johnny wakes up with an extended groan at his throbbing headache. His plasticky pillows were actually quite plush. His covers are nice too. They’re hard to enjoy with his brain pounding against his skull. He reluctantly sits up, taking in his surroundings. He’s not in his motel room. He looks around frantically before finding Jaehyun on the ground with a spare comforter and pillow. He makes a disappointed noise before standing up and nudging him with his foot.

“Hm.”

“Get on the bed.”

“It’s fine.”

“I’m leaving anyway.”

Jaehyun sits up with a stretch and yawn before scratching his head. “I’ll drive you.”

“Fine.”

The car ride is quiet. Each time he looks over at Jaehyun he looks like something’s on his mind.

“Do you remember what you told me last night?”

“Oh god.” Johnny plants his face in his palm with a groan.

“You told me you really hurt her.”

Johnny halts before slowly bringing his head back up. The car rumbles as it drives, slightly shaking the two men as they sit in silence. Johnny could lie, but why else would he say something like that? Drunk or not.

“The longer you and her stay quiet about what happened, the more worried I get. I’m trying to give you guys your privacy but I’m fucking freaking out. If you two just drifted apart, I wouldn’t mind. I mean, I’d be a little bummed, but that’s it. What’s worrying me is that something bigger might have happened.” Jaehyun grumbles, struggling with one particular thought. “Or that one of you did something bad.”

Johnny feels nauseous all of a sudden. Something disgusting swirls in his belly as he rolls the windows down. The air doesn’t help the building nausea.

“I can tell you’re remorseful over it, so if you tell me I won’t hate you. I know you’d never purposefully hurt someone.”

“Pull over.” Johnny barely gets out as bile fills his cheeks.

On the side of the road, Johnny keels over and vomits into the patchy green and yellow grass. He retches and retches until all the alcohol is gone from his system. Until all the painful reminders are as vivid as they usually are.

Dropping Johnny off, Jaehyun can finally see how he’s been living. The large motel sign has half its lights dimmed or completely broken. Sparks spray from the back of the poorly supported sign.

“Did you get kicked out of your home?”

“No, I can’t be there right now.”

“Is there any better alternative than this?” Jaehyun catches up to him as he walks toward the grimy building. Johnny kicks at the ground.

“It’s better this way.” He grumbles. “Easier.”

Jaehyun doesn’t know nor does he need to, but he doesn’t plan on sleeping there tonight anyway. He’ll get drunk and probably pass out there or in his car.

Many, many shots in Johnny is past the room spinning. His eyes are closed more than they’re open. They feel heavy, like there are weights hanging from his eyelashes. Of course he didn’t register someone calling his name and nudging him. Soon the nudging pulls him out of his numb state and he groans.

“Let me take you home alright? Actually home.”

“No!” Johnny screams, disrupting everyone in the bar. He couldn’t care less, he just rests his head on the bar and resists whoever is tugging him.

“You were serious? I thought you were just threatening me. Who was here?” You smirk mischievously at the puzzled man before you.

“It’s not just “who was here” but “who’s gonna be here again tonight”.” You wiggle your eyebrows as Jungwoo’s jaw drops.

“Who?!” Jisoo pipes in.

You bite your lip, trying to build more suspense, but you end up blurting it out. “Taeyong!”

Both of them express utter shock before worry. You roll your eyes. “Guys! He was always the nice one.”

It was no secret that Jisoo and Jungwoo hated most of the people in that group, but they did conceal their distrust of Taeyong. There were no overt signs he was harmful, but he also made no effort to try and stop the torment. What Jungwoo and Jisoo did and what Mark is now doing are the only correct responses to what they put you through. Not giggling and only speaking up when it’s gone too far.

He was the only one out of the group that Jisoo properly met. He came up, introduced himself, and talked about how much of a pity it was that the others pushed you out of the group. Jisoo will never forget how you reacted after she shared that conversation.

“He said that?!”

It was like you were touched, but more than that, it was like you weren’t certain he felt that way. He made it clear to Jisoo that he completely condemned their actions, but not the person it happened to? His supposed good friend?

“Oh, and I noticed you guys still don’t follow him. You can refollow him now, that incident was ages ago anyway.”

“I don’t know, I’m not too sold on Taeyong just yet.” Jungwoo mumbles.

“Me neither.”

“Guys!” You exclaim desperately. You know they won’t hear any of it but you try nonetheless. You sigh despondently. “I’m happy.”

Jungwoo and Jisoo feel the same dismay and guilt. Things are really looking up for you recently which is an argument for both sides. Finally dating Taeyong after years of a one-sided crush is like a cherry on top of your recent success. However, that could all come toppling down if Taeyong breaks your heart. Neither of them have proof Taeyong is malicious, but they do know you. And they know part of you sees this as proving your worth.

“You have so much going for you right now and you should be proud. Sure, the Dreamies boosted your audience, but your personality and skill are all you. You should be proud.” Jisoo smiles with a nod. That surely wasn’t the response you were expecting. You were proud of yourself. You were also proud of finally getting with Taeyong. You wished you could say both of those things without your confidence faltering.

“Thank you.” Your phone rings as soon as you finish speaking. You pick it up and smile. “It’s Jaehyun!”

Jisoo and Jungwoo hope their sighs of relief aren’t obvious.

“Hey!”

“Hey…” Jaehyun sounds apprehensive. “Am I intruding on anything?”

It was getting late, so Jungwoo and Jisoo were probably about to head out. “No, why”

“Are you sure you’re not busy? I really don’t want to bother.”

“It’s fine! What is it?” You chuckle. Jaehyun sighs, you can hear faint music and some sort of groaning.

“Okay, I wouldn’t ask this of you if it wasn’t an emergency. I don’t know anyone else in this city.”

“Emergency?”

Jisoo and Jungwoo watch with increased interest as you listen and give answers too vague to gauge what’s going on. “Okay, see you soon.”

“What was that?” Jisoo scoots closer to ask. You bite the inside of your cheek before peering up at her.

“You’re not gonna like it.”

Jaehyun met the three of you in the parking lot, looking immediately relaxed upon seeing you. “Thank god you’re here.”

He guides you toward the large man slumped over on the bar. You feel a twinge of a bad feeling. Not in a foreboding sense, just in the sense that you didn’t like seeing your old friend like this. Clearly Jaehyun didn’t either judging by the worry you could sense from across the room. He was a second away from a breakdown.

“I just- I tried to get some people at the bar to help carry him to the car, but he kept fighting us off. Everyone gave up and I just don’t know what to do.” Jaehyun exhales slowly as he clasps his hand over his head. You could tell he meant the last part in more ways than one. He’s not stressed from this one night, this must be a culmination of all the worry built up over the duration of his visit.

“Okay.” Jungwoo looks down at Johnny pitifully as he places his hands on his hips. “I’ll help get him into your car, ___ will give you directions, and then– will you be able to carry him into his house?” He turns to you and you nod.

“I think I can manage.”

“I don’t want to go home.” Johnny drones before a childish whine. Jaehyun beckons the three of you toward the edge of the bar.

“He’s been staying in this gross motel and refuses to go home. I don’t know why he’s doing this, but I think this is why he’s struggling against me.” He whispers.

“How long has he been living in a motel?” Jungwoo asks in disbelief.

“I don’t know, I just found out yesterday. I wondered the same thing but he would never tell me.” Jaehyun shakes his head regretfully.

As if sensing how you were feeling, Jisoo and Jungwoo peer over at you. Jaehyun notices and looks at you as well. You close off your posture, feeling uncomfortably seen.

“Okay, well if he struggles too much, maybe we can wait until he passes out?” Jisoo suggests with a grimace. It was seeming like the only solution.

“Or we can just knock him out right now.” Jungwoo mutters before snorting. Jisoo elbows his arm, making him look at Jaehyun’s unamused expression. Jungwoo clears his throat. “Juuust joking.” He forces an awkward laugh. “But yeah, maybe we should wait ‘til he passes out.”

“Let’s try to carry him to the car one more time before trying that plan.”

Jungwoo nods and Jaehyun nods back. They make their way to Johnny, Jaehyun lifts his legs while Jungwoo supports his upper half.

“No! Just leave me here! I’ll sleep here!”

“No, you won’t.” The bartender quickly shuts down.

Johnny begins the wriggle and the men tighten their grip. Johnny frees one of his hands and flails it around to try and hit Jungwoo in the face. “I’ve been waiting for an excuse to punch you motherfucker.” Jungwoo grits out so only he can hear. Johnny takes a moment to look up at him. He laughs dryly.

“You’re the guy from the photo.” He says with a crooked smile. He stops to think. He’s here and he’s your friend, does Jaehyun know him? Do they all hang out without him? No, Jaehyun would tell him about that. So the only other explanation would be you coming here. He cranes his neck up as far as he can. When he does he sees you there in all your glory. You look good just like the last time he saw you. It’s nice to see you consistently dressing up again. He wonders if your personality had gone back to normal yet. Then you turn your body away from him and put your head down. He must not be drunk enough because he could feel how much that stung.

He had stopped to think about you for so long that suddenly he was in Jaehyun’s car.

Jungwoo shuts the car door before immediately moving to where Jisoo is consoling you. You sigh and shut your eyes as you see him approach. “I’m okay, guys.”

“I know how hard it is to see him like this.” They both pull you into a hug, leaving unspoken how sad it is you still care about him. You watch as they get back into Jisoo’s car and drive away before deciding to board Jaehyun’s. The air is tenser than you expect. You clear your throat as you buckle your seatbelt.

“I’m leaving tomorrow.” Jaehyun breaks the silence only for it to resume soon after. Instead of continuing he just starts the car. You know he wants to ask you to keep an eye on him after he leaves.

“Your friends don’t seem to like him.” Jaehyun remarks, trying to be lighthearted but the worry is too potent.

“Yeah. I think Jungwoo actually hates him.” You trail off, realizing how cold you sound. It’s true, though. Did he want you to think it was unfortunate? You’ve made it clear where you stand.

“I could tell. He threatened him twice in one sitting. I don’t think he knows I heard the second one.” That earns a chuckle out of both of you. “What’s this I hear about you being in a relationship?”

You look over at Jaehyun confusedly. “Huh?”

“One of my streamer friends heard you were in a relationship. Is that not true?”

Who would’ve said such a thing? Was it Taeyong? You didn’t want to risk looking crazy by telling everyone he was your boyfriend.

“I mean, I’m trying to get there.” You shrug and he punches your shoulder.

“That’s great news! It was only a matter of time before someone snatched you up. Was it that guy from the bar?”

Johnny was drunk, not deaf. It was not polite to talk about someone when they’re right behind you. But it’s not like Johnny’s ear wasn’t perked up, though.

“No, he’s just a friend. Do you know Taeyong?”

Both Jaehyun and Johnny freeze. Johnny is forced to remember what he was drinking to forget. If there was anyone who’d be hurt by the realization he’d come to, it was you. And now you had pain on a different level to experience. He’s sure you were going to fall in love with Taeyong. He laughs bitterly.

“Fucking Taeyong.”

You roll your eyes.

“He’s been acting a little weird since I brought him up yesterday.” Jaehyun lowers his voice.

“That’s because he’s been jealous of him for years.” You say loud enough for him to hear, even peering at him in the rearview mirror. Johnny gets visibly defensive, unlike the last time the two of you spoke when he was tucking you into bed, acting all hurt. This must be how he really feels.

“Is that why you think I hate that man? Because I’m jealous of how cool he is?” Johnny condescends with his words slurring together.

“What other explanation could there be?”

“I don’t know, that he’s a fucking piece of shit? But no, you never considered that. Not precious little Taeyong. Not even when he was laughing while you got shit on. But no, he doesn’t catch flack for that.”

“And who was shitting on me?” You turn your body to stare straight into his eyes. He falters for a split second but you catch it.

“Guys, please!” Jaehyun begs.

“Go ahead! Tell him! I’m sure he put the pieces together already anyway.”

You gear up to do it. This will be it. It could potentially ruin their relationship for good.

Then he’d have no one.

You gulp, settling back in your seat. Jaehyun looks between the two of you, waiting for someone to say something. “I have been going crazy this entire trip trying to figure out what the hell happened. Can someone please throw me a bone?” Jaehyun didn’t want to hear if Johnny really fucked up, but not knowing was killing him as well.

“Just forget it. Turn left here.” You mumble, pointing to the street Jaehyun was approaching.

“He’s going to hurt you bad.” Johnny speaks up again, sounding more distraught than before. You force yourself not to look at him.

“You don’t know anything.” You start bouncing your leg and opt to ignore him. He’s a drunken idiot. You just needed to help get him home and get this over with. Then you could go on with your lives.

“You realize this is the Hyuna situation all over again, right?”

Your leg stops shaking.

“What the hell, Johnny?” Jaehyun peers at him through the mirror to find that there are tears streaming down his face. “I’m serious, what the hell is going on here?!” Jaehyun didn’t know what Johnny was referring to, but you knew exactly what he meant.

“You can’t seriously compare Taeyong to her? He shouldn’t have laughed but that’s nothing compared to what she did.” You breathe out, crossing your arms over your chest.

“Do you not remember comparing me to them? In fact, calling me worse than them? I’m not even saying it about you like you did to me, and you’re acting like you’re hurt?” You try to quip back but he’s sitting up and cutting you off. “You must be elated, right? What did you say that night, that you liked that I felt bad? Well I’m in so much pain that I want to fucking die.”

Jaehyun pulls over before parking the car. He rests his head on the steering wheel. Of all the things he expected to do during this visit, crying was not one of them. “Jae…” You reach over and rub his back but he shakes his head.

“I’m fine. I think you guys need to get this out of your system. I just… I just need a moment.”

God, look at you. You’re not even drunk so what’s you’re excuse? Arguing with someone so belligerent while your friend expresses over and over how you guys’ behavior is hurting him.

“I’m sorry Jaehyun.”

He sniffles before taking the car out of park and continuing to drive. The rest of the ride is silent save for your quiet directions. When you make it to his house is when Johnny speaks up again.

“I’m not going in there.”

The two of you ignore him and get out of the car. “Did you hear me?! I’m not getting out!” His muffled screaming becomes clear once you open the backseat door.

“Come on Johnny.” You say exasperatedly as you grab his torso. You hold him as tightly as you can as you pull him out of the car. Jaehyun swiftly grabs his legs. As you start to carry him you quickly realize something is very wrong. He isn’t just wriggling away like he did at the bar.

“Get off of me!” There is vivid panic in his eyes and voice. It sounds like his screams are ripping at his throat. “Let me go!”

The two of you hold his limbs tight and try to get him inside his house as quickly as possible. Every second watching him thrash desperately slashes at your chest. You feel close to just dropping him, but you’re almost there anyway. Why is he resisting so violently?

“I think we should stop-”

“We’re almost there buddy. You need to rest.” Jaehyun pleads with the man but he’s inconsolable. The neighbors would probably think you were kidnapping the poor man. Shit, were you? He’s clearly communicating he doesn’t want to go home. You’ve seen drunk tantrums. What happened at the bar was a drunk tantrum. This was something else.

“Let me fucking go!”

“Johnny what the hell is wrong with you?!” You shout hysterically. He looks up at you with bleary eyes, blubbering for you to just let him go.

When you get to his house and check the doorknob, it’s unlocked. What is going on with him? As soon as you step in the doorway you both gently place him down. The stench makes your eyes water. You cough as you pinch your nose. The stink wasn’t as bad as the feeling in your gut that something was gravely wrong.

Johnny immediately curls into himself and sobs uncontrollably. He rocks back and forth through his hysterics and all you and Jaehyun can do is watch in horror. You crouch down beside him as tears begin pouring down your own face. You can’t form any thoughts. You just watch helplessly as someone you love breaks down completely after you forced him to do something he didn’t want to.

“I-I just thought he was drunk, I didn’t know…” Jaehyun breathes.

You raise a shaky hand toward Johnny’s head, deliberating for a long time. After deciding, you slowly inch your hand to rest on his hair. It takes you a second to become steady but his sobbing starts to ease up. It was hard to hold your grudge when all you could see in front of you was a flashback to a young, scared Johnny. One who you were used to soothing.

“Everything will be okay.” You whisper shakily. He looks up at you with glassy, tired eyes. He looks the slightest bit relieved. His eyes flutter shut, and for a moment things finally feel peaceful. Then his red eyes open again as if he came to a worrying realization.

“Do you hate yourself because of me?” He asks weakly.

You bite your lip and look away. You can’t bear to look at him as you shake your head. He sniffles and hiccups as you continue to pet his head.

In your living room you can still hear Johnny crying. You just hope he can’t hear you. Jaehyun’s soft voice comforts him as you grip your cover and cry quietly.

In the morning Jaehyun was getting ready to leave. He comes to wake you to say goodbye. You give him a tight, lengthy hug before patting his back.

“Drive safe.” You say hoarsely. Jaehyun clenches his eyes shut, knowing it was because you were crying. He didn’t want to wake Johnny, he desperately needed the rest. He did want to ask you to hug Johnny for him, but he noticed how hesitant you were to even touch his head.

Do you hate yourself because of him? Why did he have to leave…

He’ll definitely have to check in on you two more often after he leaves. Maybe he could somehow piece together what the hell happened while he was gone. What started out as reminiscing on the good times and hanging out like nothing ever changed turned into a nightmare. Were you guys right about the Hyuna and Hyojong comparison? God no, Jaehyun didn’t even want to go down that path.

Jaehyun kisses you on the forehead before leaving.

You sit at your dining room table and stare at the back of the sofa. When was the last time Johnny slept over your house? When was the last time you even spent this much time together? Oh, right.

As you finish up your coffee, he slowly rises from the couch clutching his forehead. He looks around confusedly before standing up.

“Good morning.” You grumble.

He whips around to face you, looking to be embarrassed when he realizes where he was. “God fucking dammit- I’m so sorry you had to deal with me.”

“It’s fine.” You say quietly. After that night it was like something was permanently lodged in your heart, causing a sharp pain that never seems to go away. You’d go through a hundred nights with the toothpick than ever go through that again. That’s the same thing you said when he broke down in school. Yet here you are.

Johnny straightens out his clothes and wordlessly heads toward the door. “Stay.” You say loud enough to stop him. “Have some coffee. You don’t have to rush.”

“It’s fine, I can buy some-”

“I know you don’t have a place to stay.”

He stops, his mouth hanging open before it snaps shut.

“You can sleep on my couch until you figure it out.”

Johnny felt undeserving, but also completely drained. So he sits across from you as you silently drink coffee. It was harder now to suppress his deep fears. He hurt you, and there was no one left to distract or enable him. He had to face it now. Face you.

“I’m a bad person, I’ve come to terms with that.” Johnny speaks in a low voice. “I’m sorry for the things I put you through, for the way I made you see yourself.”

“I don’t think so.” You say before taking your last sip of coffee. He looks up inquisitively. “That you’re a bad person.” You stand up to wash out your mug. “Bad friend, definitely.”

Johnny looks down before nodding. “I just think you made bad decisions. A bad person wouldn’t feel a thing after doing what you did.” You set the mug in the cupboard before turning to look at his back.

“I understand now how much it destroyed you.” Your voice becomes unstable all of a sudden. He keeps his back turned toward you. You get a thought to soothe him again but retract your hand.

“I haven’t felt like this in a long, long time.” He admits with a slight quiver in his words.

“I know. I just always assumed you were stronger now. After last night it really felt like it was true. That I never really helped either of us.”

Johnny stands from the table abruptly before turning to face you. “You went through all of this for me. Even after all I put you through, you let me into your home. You’re almost too kind.”

You exhale amusedly at that, looking to the side. “Soft, more like.”

“No. There’s nothing soft about making a positive difference in someone’s life. You didn’t make YangYang, Doyoung, or Lucas the way they are. Everything bad that happened was either out of your hands or my fault.” He steps forward, looking intently into your eyes as he pats his chest. You smile, not feeling this way toward Johnny in a while. “You’re right, I did bad things. I made a negative impact on people’s lives. I was selfish.” Johnny looks away, eyes heavy with remorse.

“You were, that’s true, but it’s never too late to start impacting people positively.”

Johnny gives you an intrigued look while you give him a bittersweet one. You can still hear the demons in your head. And they still have his voice.

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