#i feel like everyones ocs need to be in some sort of group therapy after some of these islands events-
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I feel like being a poptropica adventurer would be super stressful
#poptropica#poptropica oc#quiet biker#i feel like everyones ocs need to be in some sort of group therapy after some of these islands events-#biker wouldn't engage tho she'd just stand in the corner and brush off any questions with jokes
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Illusion, Part 4/?
Illusion｜Part 4/?
Bucky x oc!Lori
Warnings: Angst, betrayal, swearing, torture, (suicide is mentioned once), violence
A/N: Part 4, wow. Ehum, Its this part and one more before I take a sort of break from this fic for a bit. There might be a one-shot here or there, but for now I´m just tired of writing this. I still live the story though so I´m not leaving it just yet, but I have so much in my head right now. Thanks for coming by! Please comment, reblog, like and share this if you enjoyed it! I appreciate it! As always, gif-credit to the owner! Oh and send me a message or so to get added to the taglist!
Summary: Reader is a supersoldier, one of a number, one of nine. Hydra´s backup for the asset. The group was started in 1974 and has been working under the radar, training for the day when the asset no longer exists. Lori is the only one left. Left in a cryo, she wasn’t discovered until 2023 when a certain captain and his buddy found her.
Words: 9k+ (I´m so sorry, this chapter, as a full thing, was a bit of a bitch)
Taglist: @selfsun
2024
Lori walked back to Wanda and immediately began to tell her what had just happened. She wanted to solidify it in her memory, it was one of the best things that had ever happened to her. Wanda was happy for her but made sure that she was okay before she asked for any details. They finished up the decorating while joking around before they walked to the kitchen. Wanda had to finish up her gifts for everyone, which happened to be cookies for everyone. Lori was not a baker and Wanda didn´t want help anyways, but Lori stayed as company.
The kitchen was also one of Lori´s favorite rooms to be in. It looked similar in almost every house and so did the compounds kitchen. Lori had a good memory from her life before Hydra and from before her mother started to hate her, and it had been in their kitchen, baking a cake together. She couldn´t remember why they were baking a cake, and she couldn´t remember what type of cake it was. All she could remember was that it was something she made with her mom.
Wanda talked away, as if she could feel the unrest and thinking Lori was doing. As if she was trying to distract Lori from her own mind. Wanda made sure to keep Lori busy with questions about the cookies for the other members. Like flavor, color and shapes. For Thor, they had decided on hammers and lightning bolts. His flavor of choice was always oranges and Wanda had made him orange-infused cookies. Loki would get cookies in the shape of reindeers with a mix of chocolate and vanilla flavor. Sam was getting bird-shaped chocolate-chip cookies. Wanda put a little more love into Sams cookies. They had gotten close over the past few years, but neither felt like it was the right time to pursue their feelings. Wanda was still in therapy after the loss of Vision. Loosing him twice had been a heavy blow to her and for a while she had let herself go which had led to her safety being in danger several times. Sam was always there for her but he had his own issues of course, suffering from more PTSD than he previosly had. The inifinity war and then endgame had brought back a lot of bad memories, and then having Steve leave had just been the icing on the cake.
Lori was quietly rooting for them to get together, and her christmas gift for Sam was part of that. Wanda was working quickly and using her powers to clean up while she was baking. Lori was sitting on the countertop and dangled her legs a bit. It was really nice to just hang out with Wanda and not have to think too hard on anything in particular. Peter eventually joined them and tried to snatch a few cookies which Wanda wouldn´t tolerate and Lori had to pull Peter away, into the livingroom, to stop the fighting.
A movie would surely distract Peter from the cookies and Lori could always use some Peter time. He was like a little brother to her and she loved him dearly. She loved spending time with him and watching their favorite movies. Currently they were knee-deep in Supernatural, the series, and they could fit in one of the christmas episodes before Sam would take charge of the tv and force them all to watch Die Hard, or some other bad christmas movie, he had been ranting about the past few weeks. Peter wasn´t brave enough to watch Supernatural on his own, so he came over two or three nights a week to watch a couple of episodes with Lori.
Once the episode was done Sam put on Die Hard to everyones groans and complaints. He didn´t care though and blabbered on about it being tradition. Despite the complaints everyone watched it, even the gods… although both Loki and Thor had questions about the plot. Sam did his best to explain or make sure they had patience for the plot to evolve and show itself. The 2 hour movie left them all exhausted on the couches. Lori and Peter had all but fallen asleep. Peter was laying on Lori who was laying on Bucky. The couch wasn´t very big, at least not for two supersoldiers and a boy who was still growing.
Bucky let out a soft cough and gently poked Lori to get her to sit up. “Come on sleepy head. Let´s get you to bed, the couch is comfortable but not as good as your bed, plus I might provide cuddles if you come with me,” he whispered and kissed Lori´s temple. She hummed and nodded before she slowly began to sit up. She gently nudged Peter and let him wake up fully before she pushed him off her. Lori was exhausted and she groaned as her back cracked when she stretched. The others looked over to her and she raised her eyebrows. “What? I´m almost 70, technically. Leave me alone,” she joked and that was the first time anyone had heard her joke about her age.
Age had been a very sensitive subject according to the therapist Lori had been paired with, but they had worked on it a lot. Lori clearly wasn´t 70 something years. She had been frozen for at least 30 of those years. Considering the serum and all her training the doctors had first aged her around 30 when she came to the compound. Technically she would have turned 30 the year she was put in cryo. It didn´t do her well to dwell on her age though. That was why she had started to joke about it. It took the bad vibes away from it.
Peter yawned but got up. They all helped clean up the livingroom before they made their way to their own rooms. Lori, Sam and Bucky all had rooms on the same floor. They took the elevator because they were all too tired for the stairs. Lori was the most tired and Bucky eventually picked her up as she seemed to be falling asleep standing.
Sam smirked as he saw the two of his best friends together. He was really happy for them. Of course he had noticed the change in their behavior towards each other during the afternoon. He may be a bit dull, but he wasn´t stupid. They went their separate ways from the elevator. Bucky carried Lori to her room and gently tucked her into bed where she would be the most comfortable. He got her a water-bottle as well to have on her nightstand. Once she was in bed he went to his own room and put on some news to fall asleep too. The quiet wasn´t something he enjoyed anymore, and he needed some sound around him to be able to fall asleep.
He slept well for a few hours. At 3.30 in the morning he woke up to something warm pressing against his right arm. He opened one eye and chuckled as he noticed Lori trying to slip in unnoticed. “Bad dreams or just cold?” He asked quietly and got comfortable on his back before opening his arms to let Lori curl up close. “A bit of both. This time of year brings out some bad memories. Plus I forgot to turn the heat up in my room and I´ve lost my extra blanket,” she mumbled and buried her face in Buckys neck. He was so warm, even his metal arm was at an ambient temperature.
Lori was soon asleep again, before Bucky had the chance to answer her, but he let her sleep. He wanted her to have all the energy possible for Christmas Eve, and if that meant sleeping in his bed, enveloped by his warmth, then he wouldn´t complain. He was also a little pissed that they didn´t have the time to cuddle during the evening before, but again, he wouldn´t complain. The past few days had been more than Bucky could have ever hoped for. He got to spend time with his family, and he had gotten together with a girl he had learned to know as a sweet and warm person, over the past few months. This Christmas definitely wouldn´t be so bad.
They slept through Buckys alarm. It had been set for 6 am, but neither of them heard it. They stayed cuddled up together until Friday made them aware of the other avengers waiting for them for breakfast. Bucky turned around to look at his phone, Lori seemed to be asleep still and he didn´t want to wake her up. They had no reason to get up early, The Donald Duck showing was available online and Lori had spoken on her wish to see it at around 3 pm local time. She claimed it felt right to watch it at 3 pm local time instead of Swedish time. That was all good with Bucky. He mumbled out a command for Friday to let them sleep in a bit more. He turned back to Lori who curled up to his side and pressed her lips against Buckys neck. “What´s going on? What time is it?” She asked softly, but she didn´t make any effort to wake up. “It´s just after 8, we can go back to sleep for a little bit,” he replied quietly and kissed her forehead.
While Bucky hadn´t expected himself to fall asleep again, he was glad he did when he woke up two hours later. He felt very relaxed and well-rested. Bucky turned his head and smiled as he found himself staring into the bright eyes of Lori. “Morning,” he mumbled and turned onto his side to look at Lori. “Merry Christmas Buck,” she said softly and leaned over, pecking his cheek quickly. Neither of them were much for laying in bed after having woken up and they decided to get up to get some breakfast.
Sam had made pancakes for everyone and once Bucky and Lori arrived in the kitchen he reheated four of the pancakes for the two supersoldiers. “We chose to bring out the whole deal so toppings are on the table,” he said and nodded to the big table to urge the two to sit down. “It started snowing late last night and it´s still going so we probably won´t be able to go anywhere. Wanda and I were thinking of going down to the river and pay our respects to Natasha, Vision and Tony. Pepper is going tomorrow with Morgan and we were thinking we could leave something nice at the memorial.” Sam continued and plated the pancakes for Bucky and Lori.
The two sat down by the table and smiled as Sam served them the pancakes. Lori decided to put jelly on her pancakes. She had never really liked Nutella, well she liked it, but only in croissants. She got the raspberry jam and put some on her pancakes before she poured herself some mango-juice. “I would really like to come with you to the memorial. If that´s alright?” Lori asked softly before she dug into her pancakes. They were delicious of course. Sam and Wanda nodded eagerly and smiled. They both looked to Bucky who shook his head a bit. He had never been able to ask for forgivness from Tony, and he felt unworthy of paying respect to people he had once fought. It didn´t matter how much Wanda and Sam encouraged him to go, or how much Morgan had begged him to go. It felt wrong.
“You guys go, and I´ll clean up and prep lunch for us, okay?” Bucky asked and smiled softly. The three in front of him smiled and nodded in agreement. None of them wanted to force Bucky into a situation where he would feel uncomfortable. Lori gulped dopwn her juice and pancakes happily. “These are so good Sam, what do we have to do to get you to make these every day?” She asked and looked at Sam. He chuckled and shook his head. “Nothing in the world can make me get up early enough to make breakfast for y´all,” he said and looked back at Lori.
She finished eating after fifteen minutes or so and leaned back in her seat groaning softly. She closed her eyes and leaned her head back hearing a familiar crack in her neck. Wanda made a sound of disgust and shuddered. “I really wish you would stop doing that,” she said and poked Lori´s arm. “Hey, don´t judge my bones, or get me new ones,” she teased Wanda back and slapped her hand away gently.
Sam, Wanda, and Lori left the kitchen once they had put the dishes in the dishwasher. Sam and Lori went to their floor while Wanda went to her own, or rather the one she sometimes shared with Peter and they all got dressed for the snowy, and chilly december day. Lori went for some sweatpants and a hoodie, sure it wasn´t super-conventional to go to a memorial site in such clothing, but she would stand back, she was there for her friends, not those the memorial was for.
Sam had gone for jeans and a nicer shirt and jacket while Wanda had put on a dark red dress and her coat. Sure Lori felt a bit underdressed but it was okay. Peter, Pepper and Morgan were all going the next day so she didn´t have to impress anyone. They left Bucky to prepare lunch. He had promised not to go overboard with it but they all knew he would anyways. Bucky always went all in with a task. He was planning on making meatballs, baked potatoes, and cooked salmon for them all.
The three avengers didn´t stay long at the meorial. Sam and Wanda left their gifts for Vision and Natasha and they all wished the three former avnegers a merry christmas and a happy new year. Lori stuffed her hands in her pockets and pulled her shoulders up towards her ears. It was getting windy out and if this continued they would get snowed in over the new years. She looked up to the sky and took a deep breath. She jumped a bit when she felt a heavy hand land on her shoulder. it was warms o she figured it was Thor, and she was correct.
Thor had decided to join them in silence. While he wasn´t close with all of the avengers he still had serious respect for them all, and he for sure missed Tony a lot. Tony had helped him get past a rough patch, and Thor didn´t believe he had repaid that debt. He therefore saw it as his duty to keep a check on the universe and the new avengers in Tony´s stead. Lori gave him a soft smile and patted his hand. “Are you and your brother staying til tomorrow?” She asked quietly. Thor seemed to shake himself out of his thoughts before he replied. “Yes, we also know swedish people traditionally celebrate tonight so we thought we´d dance around the tree with you tonight. And it might bring you joy that Loki has agreed, although quite unwillingly,” he said with a bright smile.
“Wow, that´s huge coming from Loki,” Lori chuckled and stepped closer to Thor who wrapped his arm around her shoulder. She felt really happy around the gods. Thor was like the teddy bear brother she had always wanted, while Loki was the kind of brother who made sure she was educated and always had books to read. Loki had helped Lori with a lot of the history in the past 30 years. She had missed a lot. Espeially when it came to freedom and technology. While the technology hadn´t been hard to grasp, it had been ahrd to grasp that Europe was no longer as segregated as it had once been. The soviet was no more, and neither was Yugoslavia. Sweden had joined the European Uninion, and the world looked slightly different. A few wars had been fought, a few were still ongoing. Old conflicts had been exchanged for new ones.
Lori was really confused by the new world. She couldn´t understand why peace wasn´t an option or why people couldn´t get along. She had also found that social media added a whole other problem, and that more fights were breaking out because of it. It was all very strange and Lori did her best to stay out of conflicts. She had an instagram, but she barely used it, and it was run by HR anyways. She never read comments, she didn´t read news about herself or the team.
She was unsure where her thoughts came from, but she guessed it was because of the current season and the holiday in front of them. Lori had always learned that Christams was for thanking God for everything in her life. Sweden of course didn´t have thanksgiving and very few other holidays were they would be thankful. It was weird. It was strange to have gone from Europe to USA. The culture was very different. It had been a schock to Lori in the beginning. Now, while she wouldn´t say it didn´t bother her, she could handle the different culture and how different people were.
Sam and Wanda came over to the god and the supersoldier and Lori held her hand out for Wanda. Anyone with a sense, knew Wanda needed some comforting. Vision had been a very important person to her. A role no one could really fill, even though some had tried. Wanda smiled at Lori and stayed close to her as they made their way back to the compound. The snow was coming down hard now and eventually they found themselves running to the compound, rather than walking. They made it inside just in the for the wind to pick up as well, and they all let out a sigh of relief.
Wanda seemed cold and Lori made sure to get her to the couch and wrap her up in a few blankets. “Do you want some tea?” Lori asked and gently stroke Wandas hair. They were so close now, like sisters. Wanda nodded and Lori walked to the kitchen to get her a cup of hot tea. Bucky was all up in the cooking and Lori chuckled a bit as she watched him. “Hey there Ace, want some help?” She asked as she filled the ketle with water. She flipped the little switch and turned around to watch Bucky while she crossed her arms.
“Only if you´d like too sweetie. You dont have to,” he said and shrugged. “I´ll happily help,” Lori replied quickly and smiled at him. “I just need to get the tea to Wanda,” she added and walked over to Bucky wrapping an arm around his waist. She leaned up and pressed her lips to his cheek. “I´m awful when it comes to cooking but I can for sure roll the meatballs,” she chuckled and hummed as she leaned her head on Buckys flesh arm. The water was done within seconds, much thanks to Stark tech, which Lori had learned fairly quickly.
Everything was fast, there was no need to wait for anything really. It had been a strange thing to get accostumed too. Speed with any kind of technology in the late 60s and early 70s wasn´t something that existed. Television was a very good example. During the 60s Sweden only had one channel. It wasn´t until 69 that sweden got its second tv-channel. Lori´s family recieved a tv in 1965, but Lori wasn´t allowed to watch a whole lot of it. She wasn´t allowed to watch tv everyday until she was 18, in 1970. 1970 was also the year they officially got colored television. Losing all that when she was pulled into Hydra and then getting it all back multiplied by a million was a weird and unsettling experience.
Technology had been, as one would imagine a tough learning curve. Hydra had techonolgy, and “modern” one at that, but Lori had still gone into the ice in the late 80s or early 90s. Everything was different back then. She had still to fully grasp the wastness of television and cellphones. Her phone wasn´t used a lot and charged maybe once a week because she used it so little. Had she been given a choice she would have skipped the phone completely.
Bucky kissed her forehead before he helped her get a cup, and some of the better tea that was stored higher up. Lori prepared the cup quickly and brought it out to Wanda, who had been joined by Sam on the couch. Lori handed her the cup before she made her way back to the kitchen. The big windows showed the snow coming down harder than Lori had ever seen before. “Would you mind if I put on some music?” She asked Bucky who shrugged as a reply. He wasn´t much for music, but he realized Lori would feel better with it on in the background.
Lori was aware that Bucky didn´t care much for music, so normally she wouldn´t put on music. There was enough noice going on around them anyways, but now the compound was silent, and nature made no sound. Birds weren´t chirping, and the snow falling on the windows and roof wasn´t audible. “Friday, please play my Christmas list, low volume,” Lori said out into the blue, before she washed her hands to be able to roll some meatballs. Bucky had heard part of her christmas list earlier and he actually liked it. It was mostly older songs, and even better, older versions of the songs, none of the Mariah Carey-shit. He couldn´t handle the newer versions, it was too much pop, or whatever the kids called it.
A lot of the songs were also in swedish, and Bucky wasn´t too mad about that. As an american in the 1920s his geography lessons had been less than detailed. Hell, not all states had been formed when Bucky was born, and not when he was in school either. Bucky had been good in school. He had always been an overachiever, but he had also had an academic interest which he would have pursued had he not inlisted. He chuckled to himself at the thought. It was always strange to imagine the life he would have, was it not for the war. For one, he would be dead, probably by a few years margin. Second he would have most likely found himself a good girl to marry. Maybe that girl would have been Dolores.
He tended not to dwell on what could have been. That had been every therapists recommendation, and so he didn´t. But sometimes, like with the music that was clearly from the 60s, 70s, and 80s, thoughts came wandering. He felt lucky to be a part of the avengers though, because it meant he was isolated. He didn´t have to change too much to fit in with the outside world if he didn´t want to. He didn´t have to listen to modern music because that´s what others did, he could stick with his 20s and 30s jazz.
Bucky looked over to Lori who was humming along to one of the swedish songs that was playing. He wasn´t in any rush to finish his tasks, as it would be better to have the meatballs done first. Almost everything else was already prepared. He decided to help Lori, it would go a bit quicker that way even if she seemed fairly sure with the rolling. He washed his hands before he took his place besides Lori and grabbed some of the meat. He had gone for beef raher than pork, neither Lori, Sam or Wanda liked pork.
They had all of the meat rolled up and lined on a sheet in just a few minutes, Lori had already done a big part of it. Bucky put the tray in the oven and set a timer for 20 minutes. He had a bit of a different approach to meatballs than many others. He always threw them in the oven and then fried them up in some crushed tomatoes. It wasn´t traditionally how meatballs were made in Sweden, because of course he had looked that up.
Lori hummed to herself before she began to sing along with the song that was playing. She was no singer, that was for sure, but she didnt sing for others. Her therapist had asked what her hobbies had been before she was kidnapped and Lori had answered singing so here she was singing, trying to take back what she had liked. Her mother had always sung Christmas songs with her when they were driving during the winter. That had been some of the best times of Lori´s life.
Wanda and Sam came into the kitchen together. They both seemed happy and calm, and Wanda seemed to be a lot warmer. “Hey, lunch should be done in about half an hour or so,” Bucky said and smiled at the two. Sam nodded and patted Wandas shoulder. “I´ll get a fire started in the diningroom, maybe you could set the table Wan?” Sam asked and smiled at them all. Wanda nodded and Lori offered to help her, but Wanda declined, reasoning that Lori had helped Bucky cook. Lori huffed and crossed her arms, ready to argue but Wanda just turned her around and pushed her into Bucky. “Dance with her and make sure she stays out of my way while I set the table,” Wanda told Bucky and left the two in the kitchen.
Bucky managed to catch Lori by the waist and kept her close. “Well, my lady, would you care to dance with me?” He asked and held out his hand for her to take. She took his hand gently and squealed as he pulled her closer and placed his other hand on her waist. Lori had never danced. She had learnt a bit during her time in Hydra, but only enough for one mission. Bucky asked Friday to raise the volume slightly and the two began to dance to the tunes of `Have yourself a merry little christmas`. The Sinatra version. If it was one thing that Bucky had learnt it was that Lori really liked Sinatras voice and found it soothing enough that she often fell asleep with his music playing.
It was very noticable that neither of them were used to dancing or had done it in a long while, but that was alright. They managed to avoid each others toes at least, which they were both happy with. Dancing with Bucky was fun. Lori had never had that much fun. She felt seen for the first time. The timer for the oven went off behind them and they both sighed. Bucky leaned down and pressed a quick, and soft, kiss to Loris´ lips before he released her to take out the meatballs. Lori stood frozen for a second before she decided to move so she was out of the way.
Bucky got the meatballs and immediatly tossed them into a pot he had prepared with tomato-sauce. He wasn´t sure what spices to toss in so he had gone for paprika, garlic, black pepper, and oregano. He had also shredded some mozzarella beforehand. Again it wasn´t a very traditional thing to have on Christmas, but it was meatballs at least. He turned the pot, which contained water and potatoes, on. Lori stayed out of the way as this was Buckys field now. She jumped up on an empty counter and swung her legs a bit as she watched Bucky work.
The food was prepared to perfection, everyone thought so, apart from Bucky. He was happy with most of it, but he was nervous. He wanted Lori to approve of it so badly. He had done it all for her after all. He wanted her to be able to hold on to some traditions, and if that meant them all eating together for two whole days then so be it. He would also sit through an hour of Donald Duck for Lori if it made her happy.
They all helped each other fix up the last of the lunch and took it out into the dining room. Bucky called out to everyone through Friday and they all gathered in the dining room. Aunt May had arrived just in time for lunch, and Peter had brought Ned as well. Scott and Hope was there, like Bruce and the gods. Lori sat down between Loki and Bucky. She poured herself and Bucky some water and asked wether Loki wanted some or if he was drinking mead. He accepted the water quietly and the whole team began to dig into the food on the table. There was definitely enough for them all.
Conversations were started and ended, but no one was arguing, as if it was a quiet rule. Not even Bruce and Thor argued about what was magic and what was science. Loki was quiet in general apart from when Wanda asked him a few questions abut his powers and how they differed from hers. They hadn´t always seen eye to eye and they hadn´t had a lot of time together to just talk. Lori smiled her way through the lunch. She felt happy, and safe. Safe was the most important, but feeling happy was an amazing experince.
The food was all eaten by half past two. Sam was complaining about how full he was and Wanda was teasing him for it. Bucky was quiet but he looked satisfied and happy. Thor was wondering if there was more food while Loki had picked up his book. Lori sighed happily before she began to clear the table. It was getting close to tv-time but it was always nice to have some stuff cleared up. She grabbed all the plates and got them all to the dishwasher. Bucky helped her of course and they cleared off the table quickly, and then moved to the livingroom with the rest of the team.
Bucky took the two-seat couch and patted the seat besides him to invite Lori, who made her way over to him happily. Sam and Wanda took the other two-seater while the others sprawled out on the third couch or the bean-bags on the floor. Bucky wrapped a blanket around them and pulled Lori into his arms before he asked Friday to play the Donald Duck showing from the swedish television with english subtitles.
Lori curled up to his side and laid her head on his shoulder as the hour-long segment started. She was quite invested in it in general and laughed a bit as the music was all in swedish. She could definitely recognize a lot of it from her childhood but there was also some new parts she didn´t know off. even when she was a kid there would always be new parts to the show, seeing as Disney were growing. Some of the original scenes had been shortened and some were completely new, from recent movies.
She was close to falling asleep by the end of the hour, as a mix of the food and just the calmness she was experiencing. She was happy. No other word could describe what she was feeling. Content maybe, but in general it was a positive experience and she was very glad she got to share this moment with the people that had saved her and helped her. She was especially happy that Bucky felt like spending the time with her, and her crazy traditions. He truly had done a lot for her in her months at the compound, and part of her regretted how she had treated him in the beginning. Especially when she broke his nose.
Bucky stroke her arm lazily. She was warm and soft under his touch, but he was cautious. He knew her strength, and part of him felt responsible. But he wasn´t with her out of pity, and he hadn´t enjoyed their kiss out of pity. The only thing he hated, was seeing what Hyda had destroyed within her. Much like how they destroyed him. Stripped him of his personality and replaced it with the one of a killer. While he was uncertain about the fate Lori had planned for her while in Hydra, he was under the impression she didn´t have as many kills under her belt as he did. He sighed softly before he stretched.
His watch showed 4.07 pm and he hummed. “I kind of want to take you out tonight, to a really nice place I usually go to for peace and quiet. How does that sound?” He asked quietly into Lori´s ear. She looked back and up at him and nodded. Her face was heating up quite a bit at the thought but she would love to spend a larger amount of time alone with Bucky. “Do you mean like a date or just dinner?” She asked and bit her bottom lip. Bucky chuckled softly and nodded. “Well, I was thinking of it as a date. But, changes can be made,” Bucky said but Lori shook her head. “No, no, I´d be very happy to go on a date with you, as long as it stops snowing,” she mumbled and looked to the outside to the darkness that faced them.
The team went their separate ways. The gods were going to Aasgard. Well, new Aasgard, to celebrate the night there. Wanda and Sam had plans on going out on their own, and Bruce was off to help some of the local hospitals with some new equipment. Peter and May were opting to just stay in and take a nice evening together. Lori got to her room to get ready. She had asked Wanda for help. She had no talent in putting together an outfit, which was why she was mostly in sweats or cargo pants. A black shirt went well with that obviously, and that´s why her warderobe looked just as dark as the vast space.
Wanda came to her room half an hour after Lori, and knocked before she opened the door. “Okay, let´s get you dolled up, I brought three dresses, two skirts, and some blouses that you can choose from. I also know you own two pairs of black jeans, one pair untorn, that I would recommend you keep in mind,” she explained as she placed the clothes on Loris bed. Of course she noticed it was made like it had been the day before, and she quickly deduced it hadn´t been slept in at all and that Lori had spent the night with Bucky. She didn´t mention it though, it was none of her business.
“Do you want to borrow a bracelet or some earrings. Maybe a necklace?” Wanda asked as she went through Loris wardrobe in search of a few nice shirts and her jeans, which she had realized Lori wasn´t wearing. “So, do you know where Bucky´s taking you?” She asked and looked over at Lori. Lori just shook her head and sighed. “He said a nice, quiet place,” she replied and sighed softly. “That makes me want to bet on jeans and a nice shirt or blouse. Maybe I can borrow the gray one from you?” She asked and looked to Wanda. “Of course you can borrow it. Are you wearing heels or just sneakers? Or are you going for like proper boots?” Wanda asked and frowned knowing Lori favored the boots over almost anything. Lori shrugged and looked to her warderobe, and her small selection of shoes.
Lori walked over and picked up her boots. They were simple matte black ones, but she really liked them. They were very comfortable. And they would keep her warm through the snow. “I´m going with the boots today, so jeans it is. I think the gray blouse would look great with them and then I´ll just throw on my black coat on top of that,” Lori explained and pulled everything out to line it up on the bed. “Are you sure? You won´t get cold when you take the coat off then?” Wanda asked and frowned. Lori chuckled a bit at Wandas worrying expression. “I´m a super-soldier Wan. I run warm, just like Bucky. We aren´t as affected by the cold,” she smiled and shrugged. “Plus I´m guessing I´m getting some warm food and possibly coffee or tea after that, so either way I should be fine,” she added quickly.
She really liked the outfit they had picked out. The jeans and blouse fit her perfectly and she pulled on some socks before she pulled on her boots. Wanda walked over to her nightstand and picked up the necklace Lori had lying there. “Wear this as well,” She said and helped Lori put it on. It was quite squiggly and silver but it was still very simple and went with pretty mcuh whatever Lori was wearing. Lori turned around when she was done and held out her hands. “Well, do you think this will be okay?” She asked Wanda and frowned. Wanda smiled and nodded happily. “You look great Lori,” she replied and skipped over to Lori to hug her. Wanda didn´t mention make-up as Lori didn´t wear make-up, ever. She found it unneccessary, seeing as she always got sweaty on missions. And she didn´t understand the whole deal anyways, there was just too much of it.
Back in her day, back in the 60s, when Lori would have been wearing makeup, the things she used was eyeliner and mascara and that was it. Now there was so much more, and so many different versions of essentially the same product. She had felt so confused while walking into a CVS, and seeing the whole aisle of makeup. It had freaked her out to begin with, not that she cared if anyone else liked it, or used that much makeup. She was just worried that that was the supposedly new normal.
She didn´t put on any makeup for the date either. It was still snowing and that was a good way to get runny mascara, which wasn´t a very attractive look. Wanda skipped out of her room to get ready for her own dinner date. Lori watched herself in the mirror and took a deep breath. The date would either be wonderful or it would be awful, she was hoping for the first option. She took a deep breath before she left her room to go look for Bucky.
He wasn´t far away, waiting in the living room. They were matching, but as always great minds think alike, and Lori was surprised to see him in dark pants, a lighter shirt and a leather jacket. She walked over to him and smiled softly. “You look great,” she said quietly as she began to pull her jacket on so they could leave immediately. Bucky looked up at her and let his eyes wander for a few seconds before he smiled back at her.
“YOU look great. Let´s take one of the nicer cars,” he said and held out his right hand for Lori to hold. She took it happily and intwined their fingers as Bucky led them down to the garage. He had a love for the very beautiful Range Rover the government had bought them. It was sleek, black, and frankly Bucky liked it for all the horsepowers it had. It was also a great car for the winter. He opened the door for Lori and helped her in before he walked over to the drivers side and got in.
It was manual. Bucky approved off that. Not that it mattered a whole lot to him anyways, he didn´t even have a valid drivers license. Sam had pestered him about it the past year but Bucky just couldn´t be bothered, plus he was well recognized as an avenger so cops didn´t stop him. Despite Bucky missing a lisence, Lori preferred his driving over anyone elses. He was always safe, and always kept to the speed-limits. Unless a situation needed him to exceed them.
Lori curled up in the seat and turned the heat on. Not because she was cold but rather because it was comfortable. Bucky glanced over at her every now and then as he drove and he eventually reached over and placed his hand on her leg. Lori smiled and placed her own hand over Buckys. Sure it was his metal-hand, and yes it was a bit cold, but Lori wasn´t bothered by it.
Loris life with Hydra had been hard, rough, and cold, but she had always found comfort in the strict schedule she had to follow. It had changed since then. It was the same shape, but so very different in structure. She couldn´t get to the metal nerves of it and it still bothered her a bit, she just didn´t know why.
Bucky parked the car by a diner which looked to be ancient. He got out of the car and got the door for Lori. “I used to visit this diner back in the 30s and 40s, before the war,” he explained and held out his arm for Lori to hook her own with. She did just that and stayed close to Bucky. “It looks very cozy,” she said softly as she followed him inside. Bucky introduced Lori to the owner, an 80 year old woman who seemed to be slighty too old to run a diner, but she was very nice and active for her age.
They got a table in the far corner from the door and a menu each. They weren´t as sticky as Lori would have expected from a diner. Of course Lori had a preset thought of american diners, but if this was as old as Bucky claimed it to be, she was excited. She looked through the menu but fairly early decided on a burger. It was simple, and no one could make a bad burger in Loris mind.
The old lady returned to take their orders. Bucky ordered a burger as well and diet sodas for them both. Lori watched him, and tilted her head as she leaned her elbows on the table. The lady left them to it for now but returned a few minutes later with their drinks. Not a word had been exchnaged between the two supersoldiers during that time. Once they had their drinks and were properly settled in Bucky let out a soft sigh. “I told Steve to take Peggy here when we were fighting the war, little did I know he wouldn´t come back home. And even less did I know he´d return to her from the 2020s,” he said as he turned the glass in his hand.
“You used to come here before the war with him, didn´t you?” Lori asked and smiled a bit. She really couldn´t imagine Bucky in the 30s and 40s, but she still tried. How different he must have been. How different everything must have been back then. Everything was very different for Lori, just from the beginning of the 90s til the 2020s. She despised some parts of it, but felt lucky to have been able to experience other parts.
Bucky nodded to her question and crossed his arms. “Yeah, the lil punk used to come here with me. Usually I tried to set up double dates for us, but he was never interested. All he wanted to do was serve,” Bucky explained and looked over to a wall of pictures. Lori followed his gaze and saw a bunch of black and white pictures. Some which clearly resembled Bucky and Steve before the serum. She was very thankful for her enhanced eyesight, which made it easier to see the pictures without having to move. “His father died before he was born, right?” Lori asked and glanced over at Bucky once more. She was trying to tread lightly knowing how important that time, and memories were to Bucky.
“Mhm, he died in the first war, two months before Steve was born. His mom used to say she was lucky that I had entered Steves life. She was working a lot to make sure they were both in a good position, and it helped if Steve stayed at my place,” he said and smiled at the memories. He didn´t have a lot of them, but some of the early memories had come back. “My family had money, I lost my ma when I was a kid, and pa went when I was a teenager. By then it was just me and Becca,” Bucky continued.
Lori listened with great interest. There was only so much she could deduce from a file. She had learned that stories were told, not written in a file. She took a sip of her soda as she listened to Bucky. He spoke of the 30s and 40s with such care. “Becca was sent off to some boarding school, and I didn´t get to see her before I was enrolled. I´ve seen her later on in life. She turned 100, four years ago and I was there to celebrate her, but she passed away a year later. I don´t keep in contact with her kids, it doesn´t feel right,” he added and bit his lip. He wasn´t interested in getting to know his family.
“I can understand that. My cousins have reached out to me, and their kids as well, but I… I just couldn´t bear to face them,” Lori said and sighed. “But, I´m eternally greatful for the family I´ve found with you at the compound.” She said quickly and gave Bucky a soft smile as a reassurance. “Yeah, I was very lucky to be able to join Steve and Sam for a few years. Even if Sam is a pain in the ass he´s still my best friend,” Bucky said and reached out for Loris hand. Lori took his hand quickly and smiled.
The food arrived just a few minutes later, and despite it being on the standard diner plates it looked amazing. And it smelled amazing too. “This looks great,” she told the old lady and got her hand back from Bucky to dig into her burger. She had always been eating the burger before fries. The burger was the main meal after all, and the fries were just a side. Sure she loved fries, but not as much as she loved a proper burger. Bucky started with two fries before he picked up his burger and turned it upside down. Lori watched him and raised an eyebrow but turned her burger as well before she took a big bite of it.
She moaned softly at the taste of it and closed her eyes. Everything about the burger was just perfect. It was savory, and round in flavor. The dressing was delicious and went very well with the pickled red onion. “Okay, from now on, I trust you wherever you take me on a date,” Lori said once she was finished chewing and swallowing her bite. Bucky chuckled at her and shook his head. “This is honestly the only good place I know. I´ve refrained from going to Manhattan or popular New York in general,” he explained and took another bite of his burger.
Lori continued to eat and a few bites in she coughed slightly as a piece of her burger got stuck in her throat. She groaned softly as she swallowed it down with a few sips of her soda. “Fuck, I should know better than to chug down food, shouldn´t I?” She asked and laughed. Bucky laughed with her and reached over with his napkin to wipe some dressing off of her chin. “Hey, I can´t blame you. The burgers are amazing,” he said and smiled softly. He finished his burger in three more bites, and Lori was amazed at how much he could fit into his mouth.
“What´cha staring at doll?” He asked between bites and leaned back as he swallowed his last bite. “Oh, nothing, just a real cute guy,” she teased him and smirked as she watched him. She finished her burger just in time for the old lady to come back and asked how they found their meals. They both thanked the old lady and asked her to send their compliments to the chef. “Well, my husband will be very happy to hear it. You kids are welcome here any time, we love seeing Bucky here, and it´s so nice to see him bring a lady with him,” she said and patted Loris shoulder.
Lori felt her face heat up and looked down at her hands. She wasn´t embarassed, but she felt as if she was getting praise she didn´t deserve. “She is the only one I feel comfortable enough to bring here,” Bucky explained. Lori looked up at him and bit her lip. “Oh, so you´re the only one who can beat him up, when that is necessary?” The old lady asked and placed a hand on her hip while giving Bucky a stern look. Bucky blushed and coughed to himself. “I´ll have you know that I´m a very nice man ma`am, no need for a beating here,” he said quickly. Lori couldn´t help but laugh and shake her head. “Don´t worry ma`am, he already knows I´ll win, I´ve done it once before,” Lori said and glanced to Bucky.
Bucky groaned as he thought back to the day and moment Lori was referring to. He had known Lori was like him, but he had thought she would go easy on him. Or that he´d have the upperhand, with his metal arm and his years of experience and training, but no. He had pushed her over the edge with his teasing and she had broken his nose and bruised him up good. “Yeah, and I was a mouthbreather for a week, that´s your favorite story to tell, but I´m sure Mrs. Green has better things to take of right now,” Bucky said and gritted his teeth a bit. He did not like to be ridiculed, and that story really wasn´t a suitable date-story.
With a sigh Lori instead dug into her fries. “Sorry, but you were the first person I got to fight, and also the first person I touched voluntarily after I came out of the Cryo,” Lori said softly. She didn´t mean to embarass Bucky at all, it was a good memory to her, despite hurting a person she had come to hold very dear. Bucky ate his fries in silence but hummed in approval of her apology. “I know doll, it´s just… I was undefeated until you came along, so my ego was bruised,” he said and frowned. Lori gave him a small smile and reached out to take his hand. “I get it, but hey, I´ll let you win next time, alright? I could use a more fair challenge than Wanda anyways,” she teased him and moved her hand out of his before he could smack it playfully.
“She is quite the unfair fight, isn´t she?” Bucky asked with a chuckle. Lori nodded and laughed. “But it´s great practice, she really keeps me on my toes when we train,” Lori said and shrugged while she polished off her fries. Bucky did the same and leaned back patting his stomach. “Please don´t tell me you´re better than sharing a slice of apple pie with me and have some coffee or tea?” Lori said and smirked at him. “Oh, I´m better. I suggest we get a slice each, and bring them back to the compound for a movie, I can even drive us past a Starbucks if you´d like. I know how much you like their drinks,” he teased Lori.
Lori lit up in front off Bucky and nodded eagerly. “Oh, yes please, I want a peppermint hot chocolate so bad,” she said and clapped her hands excitedly. Bucky chuckled again and ordered their apple pies when Mrs. Green came back. He also brought out his wallet to be ready to pay. Their pies came back in a cute little box with a bow on top. “It´s on the house today kids, just come back every month, alright?” Mrs. Green said and smiled at them both. Lori thanked the old lady a few times and once more complimented the food.
Bucky stood up and reached out to take Loris hand while she grabbed their to-go box. He stepped closer to her and pecked her lips. “Thank you for coming out with me, I always love spending time with you,” he mumbled against her soft lips. Lori smiled against his lips and pressed hers to his once more. “No, thank you Buck, I haven´t really ever been on a date, but this was just perfect,” she said softly with a smile. She was happy, and it showed. Bucky led her out to the car and opened the door for her. “Keep the pie safe, or I´ll have you pay for it later,” Bucky teased Lori who protectively wrapped her arms around the box. He laughed at her and shook his head before he closed the door behind her and got behind the wheel.
“So, Starbucks, and then back home to a movie?” Bucky asked as he backed out of the parking lot. Lori looked out the window at the snow that came down in beautiful flakes. It had eased up quite a bit while they were at dinner. Bucky drove them for a little while before Lori asked him to stop. “You brought your mobilephone, right?” She asked as Bucky parked the car by the side of the road. He nodded with a frown. “Could you take a picture of me, in the snow?” She asked excitedly and opened the car door.
Bucky nodded once more and got out of the car as well. “Alright, let´s do it, but quickly, it´s windy and I really want some coffee,” He confessed and got his phone from his pocket. He looked at the background and directed Lori to a place she could stand. Seeing as Bucky hadn´t turned the car off the headlights would work as their lightsource. “Okay, now hold up your hands as if you´re trying to catch the snow,” he insisted and held the phone up to snap a few pictures, from which Lori could choose her favorite.
Lori rushed back to the car and got in blowing some warm air onto her hands. Sure, both her and Bucky could withstand colder temperatures for a longer time, but it was still uncomfortable to be in. “Okay, let´s get drinks and then go home. This is enough nature for me today,” Lori laughed and turned the seat heat on for them both.
#Bucky Barnes#bucky barnes fanfiction#bucky x oc#bucky fanfic#bucky barnes x oc#Winter Soldier#the winter soldier#winter solider fanfiction#winter soldier x oc#the winter solider fanfiction#seapandorasfics#seapandoraswritings#marvel#Avengers#avengers fanfiction#avengers x oc
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Eres Mia (M)
Messy Chapter 8
Pairing(s): OC X Johnny
Genre: College AU, Fuckboy AU, Angst, Smut, a smidge of fluff/awkwardness
Summary: Fuckboys are basically good for one thing. You hit it and quit it- except when his voice draws you in, his body keeps you there, and dumb ass feelings linger making things particularly messy.
Warnings: mentions of drugs/alcohol, talks about suicide, the teeeeniest bit of violence, possibility of emotional manipulation, jealousy/possessiveness
Features: unprotected sex, creampies, rough fingering/finger sucking, oral/throat fucking, a little hint of bondage, rough hair grabbing, squirting, overstretching/gaping, daddy/princess dynamics, choking, relentless/brutal/deep thrusting, a bit of overstimulation/multiple orgasms, also being covered in cum
Word Count: 21,103K
A/N: So explanation about this chapter: It has some cultural references that maybe not everyone will get but I can explain them if anyone wants to send me a question about it. If you haven’t figured it out (or even just made a generalization) Eri is afro-carribean (the exact island is left vague on purpose, but it would be in the latinx part of the cluster). There’s also spanish in the chapter and tbh use google translate and if you still have problems again just message me.
Messy Masterlist Buy me a Ko-Fi Other Stories
The Boys Group Chat
Taeyong: 5
Lucas: what???
Ten: 5 what?
Taeyong: my score with Eri is at 5.
Lucas: HOLY FUCK
Taeil: OHHH HOW THE TABLES HAVE TURNED.
Ten: how?? When??? What???!
Taeyong: last night. Shower. Against the wall. In the bed twice. And our usual against the door.
Lucas: how tf did u manage that??
Lucas: i thought you hated her
Taeyong: i never hated her. It was just the drama and shit
Taeyong: like at the party i just didn’t want a fight to break out. i didn’t want the cops called or anything
Taeyong: so like i kicked her out but it was just because i knew she would have thrown the first punch
Lucas: well you aren’t really wrong
Lucas: i don’t blame you for not wanting the cops to show up
Taeyong: i had under 21 friends there. I didn’t want them to get in trouble
Ten: how did you even manage to get her to fuck you???
Taeyong: she called me actually. She was drunk af but sobered up before she got here
Ten: i cannot believe
Ten: i haven’t even been able to get with her AT ALL lately
Johnny: wtf is going on
Taeil: oooooooffff this is….
Ten: the tea brews itself
Johnny: Taeyong what did you say
Taeyong: i fucked your girl. She came to me instead of coming to you
Yuta: dude this is…
Johnny: don’t go near her again
Johnny: i mean it
Taeyong: dude i’m not scared of you
Taeyong: yall arent even official
Johnny: i don’t care
Johnny: dont touch her
Yuta: johnny quit it
Yuta: you can’t hog her to yourself
Yuta: just like jae can’t hog quinn
Ten: just admit ur jealous and move on.
Johnny: im not jealous
Johnny: you just dont deserve her after the stunt you pulled at the party
Taeyong: clearly i do because shes been thinking about fucking me for a long time
Taeyong: maybe even while shes been fucking you.
(Johnny has left the chat)
Ten: fuck
Yuta: this is getting fucking ridiculous
Yuta: i mean she texted me like when she was with him i think
Yuta: like she didnt care that she was with him and was being cute with me
Lucas: she flirts with everyone
Lucas: do you think she does actually wanna be with him?
Taeyong: who cares
Taeyong: fact of the matter is shes up for grabs
Taeyong: and if I wanna go after her i will
Yuta: WHOA WHOA
Yuta: you mean try and date her?
Ten: taeyong thats not a good idea
Taeyong: i never said id date her
Taeyong: but if shit happens, shit happens
Taeyong: thats all im saying
–
It was strange waking up in bed next to Taeyong. We had never done that before especially since the last time we were together we had to leave the office quickly. He looked strangely innocent when he slept, his shaggy hair ruffled and sticking up in random places and lips slightly pouted. I watched his chest rise and fall with each soft breath for a moment while I tried to keep my head from spinning. This…might have been a bad idea. I was in my feelings for Johnny and I knew that I only hooked up with Taeyong as a sort of rebound/revenge plot. I didn’t want to tell him that but I was sure we were still platonic enough that it didn’t matter. Taeyong wouldn’t make things weird or messy. This would just be a one time thing…or a five time thing. We may have gotten a bit carried away. He was tentative in the shower, making sure that I was still sober enough to be okay. He washed me, helped me wash my hair, and let the heated water run over me to warm me up. And when he slid down to wash my legs his lips met between my thighs and I couldn’t help but give in to his tongue.
He was no Taeil but he knew enough to make me try and steady myself against the slippery tile and grip onto his hair tightly. It was relaxing to finally get off by being eaten out, to just sit back and let him do all the work. It was definitely something I missed. After the shower, we dried off and he put me into some of his pjs (which were tight as all hell on me) and we relaxed in his bed. I got some more water in me and slowly weaned off the rest of the alcohol. Somewhere in the middle of trying to sleep we got lost in each other’s lips which somehow lead to him keeping me against his bedroom wall and fucking me as deep as he could go. Mid morning came and we didn’t want to get up. So of course the next option was to 69 then fuck me into the mattress. Just when I thought I would finally be able to leave he wouldn’t stop kissing me as I got to his bedroom door and we had a proper deja vu moment of last semester.
By the time I actually got home it was late at night and I was sore as all hell. I left him covered in hickies, scratches, and bite marks- my typical calling card- and he left me wanting to sleep for days. I collapsed on my bed unmoving for hours on end and barely making it to class the next day. Johnny was there of course and I tried my best to avoid him like the plague. That was always the hardest part. When we were on our highs, being next to each other radiated chemistry and we would rather pass the time sexting than paying attention. When we were on our lows, everything was ice cold and I detested even being within his vicinity. He still wouldn’t open up to me or even let me tell him that it was okay to cry. He didn’t need to worry about that with me. Of course he wouldn’t listen and we were stuck in a frozen tundra that didn’t let us move one way or the other. I tried my best to instead focus on studying for once. My grades were alright but they could definitely be better and I didn’t want to have to waste more money repeating classes. I spent my nights hitting the books and hoping I could retain enough information to pass. I was holed up in my room as usual when I heard knocking on the front door and i wondered if maybe Quinn forgot their keys. It seemed a little early for them to come home from being with Jae. I set my textbook down onto my desk and padded towards the living room. When I opened the door I hated what I saw.
His eyes were bright red and he reeked of menthol and weed. He leaned against the door frame, a big grin on his face that happiness didn’t seem to be the cause of. “What are you doing here?” I whispered in disbelief.
“What am i doing here?” He licked his lips and chuckled. “What are you doing fucking Taeyong?”
My eyes went wide. “Did he…did he tell you?”
“He told everyone in our chat. 5 times, huh? That a record or something?”
I backed away from him hating how he was acting and being hurt that what I did was blasted over some group chat. I couldn’t believe Taeyong would do something like that. I had stated plenty of times who i had hooked up with but it was on my terms, with my permission, not like gossiping around a watering hole. “You need to leave.” I swallowed hard and didn’t look at him. My voice was too unsteady for that.
I heard the door snap shut and looked up to find him looming over me. “Not a chance. Not until I make you forget all about that stupid bastard.”
He grabbed onto my sweater and pulled me towards him, easily overpowering me to crash his lips against mine. I clawed at his coat, digging into the soft fabric as I tried forcing myself away. I slammed the side of my fist into his chest and pushed him back. “NO! You don’t get to do this! You don’t get to come back into my life whenever you decide to! I’m not something to have at your convenience and I sure as hell don’t need you to keep leading me on.”
“Leading you on? Where am I leading you too?” His hands still had a hold of my neck and shoulders which I could not shake.
I could feel the tears already trying to come forth but i grounded myself, dug deep within me to stop them. “Leading me to you. I always get led back to you.”
“You don’t want to get led back to me.” He laughed. “I’m fuckin’ useless!”
I grabbed at his hands, wanting them off me. “Stop that! I’m not your fucking therapy and my purpose is not to fix you.”
“I don’t want to be fixed! I want to be fucked!”
“And that’s another layer to your goddamn problem, Johnny! Life isn’t all about diving into sex to make yourself forget! You need to reevaluate what’s going on in your life before you put your hands on someone else’s.”
“I don’t want you to have Taeyong on you.” He kissed me, gentler this time. “Or Lucas.” Another kiss. “Or Taeil.” A small lick. “Or Yuta.” He sucked on my bottom lip for a second before kissing me again. “Or anyone else.”
“You cant have me all to yourself. That isn’t how this works. You don’t want me, you only want what you see on the surface. You don’t give a shit about what’s beneath and you definitely don’t want to see it.”
He released me from his grasp and scoffed. “The surface? I’ve let you dig inside my brain more than anyone else in my life. You’re stuck inside there now, you can’t move. You know how sick i’ve felt, how weak i am, how less of a man i am-”
“Save that bullshit, Johnny! It’s not true! I told you it was okay to cry! It doesn’t mean you’re less of a man! It just means you’re a normal human being. Men can cry. Men can show emotion and they should. I just wanted to help…to be there for you.”
“You’re wrong. I’ve always had to be the man. There wasn’t any room for me to cry!” He screamed. “You want to talk about not wanting what’s beneath the surface? You’re already there, Eri. You’ve seen everything I could possibly hate to show anyone.”
“And yet you’re coming to me just so you can be buried inside something for an hour or two. That’s what it’s actually like to feel useless and discarded. I know you don’t fucking care and you never will.”
“This is starting to get messy…it’s a clusterfuck and it keeps growing.”
“You just keep fueling the fire.” I said. “I’m not going back. I can’t. My heart can’t take it. I hate seeing you like this. I hate hearing you like this and I want to help. I really do. But i can only take so much before you start swallowing me whole.”
He grabbed me again, pressing me against the door and trapping me between it and his body. “This is how you help.” His breath was heavy against my neck, tickling the sensitive skin there. I shuddered and failed to squirm away from him. “I know you’re not going to fix me. I can do that on my own, eventually, but right here, right now this is what I want.”
“Well i don’t.” The tears fell and i slammed my fist back against the door, pissed entirely that it was happening again. I shouldn’t be crying over him anymore. “I don’t want to be what you push inside of. You don’t want to know what’s really going on with me. You’d run away from me as much as I want to run from you.”
“You think i’d be scared of what you’ve done? What you’ve been through? Its nothing, Eri.” He grabbed my chin and and jerked my head to the side so he could growl in my ear. “I want you. Raw. Dirty.”
“You want me black out drunk? You want me with a broken hand through drywall? You want me bleeding out in a tub with a knife in my hand? You want me laying on the floor unable to breathe and falling in and out of consciousness? You want me running away from the one good thing i’ve ever had in my life?” My voice trembled again. “You want me hiding who i really am from my family? You want me watching myself be the cause of people’s hurt? Because that’s what’s really raw and dirty. Or do you just want to fuck as always?”
He hoisted me onto his waist suddenly, crushing me now to the point where i could barely breathe. I wrapped my legs around his as he shoved his forehead against mine. “Give me it. Give me all of it, Eri.”
I tried not to kiss him, i really did, but my heart shoved me towards it. My tongue slid out to creep into his mouth which he warmly accepted. It was angry, heated, rushed, and broken- like the entirety of our relationship. I was clutching onto him desperately as if I was trying to shock my system back into loathing him. It didn’t matter if I made drunken mistakes or if he made drugged out ones, every time, we somehow found a way back to each other as if we were tied with a string of fate. “Why?” I whispered when I finally caught my breath. “Why don’t you talk to me? For weeks at a time…it hurts…”
“Because i hate the way I feel about you.” He panted.
I licked my lips and hovered them over his. “How do you feel about me?”
He shook his head. “I…don’t worry about it. I’m faded as fuck right now. It won’t matter what I say.”
“Clearly it fucking does.”
“It’s only gonna get more fucked up between us.”
“It already is fucked up! Were fucked up! This whole shit is fucked up! We were supposed to hook up at the summer party and that’s it!!”
“Yeah and here you are fucking Taeyong and Yuta and whoever else you’d let inside you.”
I slapped him. The first time i’d ever wanted to hit him at all. I would’ve never laid a hand on him especially after all he had been through- i never wanted to be that person. Ever. But he crossed a fucking line and that small dangerous part of my brain was a ticking time bomb. He dropped me then and I fell right on my ass. I scrambled to get up as he stood there motionless.
“Dont…dont ever do that.” He whispered harshly.
“I didn’t want to! But don’t you ever come for who I sleep with! You don’t get to do that! You don’t get to be a hypocrite because you’re fucking jealous! What are you even jealous for? I’m not your girlfriend!”
“AND YOU NEVER WILL BE!”
I felt a stab of pain through my chest that hurt worse than anything I had ever felt before. Was this…was this what Jungwoo felt? Had karma finally come to get me and pay me back for what I did to him all those years ago? It felt like I couldn’t breathe but I could definitely feel the tears flowing down my cheeks like a river. His eyes went wide and he took a step towards me. I took one back before sprinting to my room. I slammed the door shut, pressing myself against it and sliding to the floor.
He pounded his fists against it, begging me to open it. I was afraid he was going to break through the wood with how hard he was rattling the door. I pulled my knees to my chest and buried my face in my thighs, staining my pajamas pants with tears.
“I-im sorry, ok?”
No you’re not.
“I didn’t mean for it to be like this.”
Well it is now, so fuck you.
“I don’t know what I really want, Eri.”
I guess…i don’t really know either. Should you even be my boyfriend at this point? What would I do once I had you? Would my fear of love go away? Or would you make it worse?
“I like when we spend time together. You’re cool as fuck but we…we cant be like that. You know that right? I don’t get with people and stay with them. We can only fuck…”
I hate you. Go away. Leave me alone.
“I guess i’m broken or whatever you want to call it but i’m not a charity case. I don’t want you to pity me or feel like you have to take care of me. Like you said, it’s not your job. But for right now…this is how I handle stuff, just like how you handle stuff your way, you know?”
By being a drunk partied out mess, i know. Hungry for attention, starving for someone to care for them, and completely barren of love but wanting to fill that void somehow.
“I’m not fine. I haven’t been fine for a long time. My anxiety never used to be this bad. I never even used to have night terrors or panic attacks. It just got worse after…after the first time i got…you know, what I told you about before. Then college happened and it was so much pressure and I wanted to make my mom proud and happy and take care of her because my dad never did. You know even when i felt so fucking empty around Rixi, i didn’t sleep for 2 whole days because I was studying my ass off for midterms just to keep my straight A’s?” He let out a soft chuckle. “I have a 4.0, hookup with dozens of girls, work three jobs, go to the gym, and try and do my art. When i say that i run on energy drinks and coffee i’m not kidding.”
That’s adding to your anxiety, stupid. And so is the weed. And your inability to FUCKING communicate. Why do you have to be such a stupid dumb….MAN all the time?!
“I know that doesn’t matter to you-”
It does because I know you’re hardworking and care about what you do. You’re a passionate soul and i love that about you. You’re so dedicated.
“But i dont know…i guess I wanted to tell you anyway. I’m not making excuses. I know what I do is my own damn fault but i just wanted you to know.”
I shifted slightly and reached up for the door handle, scooting away to pull it open slightly. I peeked my head through the gap and he looked at me, eyes a bit puffy as if he had been crying too. He wiped his nose and made it seem like he was put together in his typical Johnny fashion. I still didn’t say anything but he crept his hand closer to me and extended his pinky. I looked at it for a few seconds before locking mine around it. He was quiet for a bit, the tension remaining thick and heavy. The quietness was only interrupted by a few sniffles from the both of us. I wiped away at my tears, wanting to remind myself that this was proof. This was what always happened. Either i ended up drunk or ended up crying when it came to him. Or both for that matter.
I truly felt like i should continue to make myself suffer with him. One look of those soft brown eyes and honey-sweet lips would draw me in and his soothing voice would whisper caring thoughts and expressions. I saw the blushes he had when he talked to me, the way he seemed embarrassed or nervous, but there were always underlying signs that proved he didn’t like me. Most blatantly when he said-no, yelled- that i would never be his girlfriend. Logic told me to run. When had i ever put a man before me or anyone for that matter? Masochism told me that I enjoyed the pain of being rejected over and over again and that it was a game. Lust told me that i loved when he got jealous and growled in my ear. I wanted him to tell me that I was his as he fucked me so deep and hard that I couldn’t move. Greed told me that I wanted him all to myself. I wanted all the attention, all the love, all of him. The good, the bad, and the ugly. And rationality? That bitch was nowhere to be found.
“What saved you…when you tried to um…kill yourself?”
My head snapped up at the question. It hadn’t been posed to me since I met Quinn three years ago. It was something that I blocked from my brain and never reopened. But this was a test, to see if he could really handle what was fucking wrong with me. I squeezed his pinky tighter and finally croaked. “Daniella. She’s uh…she’s my little sister. I traumatized a 10 year old by bleeding out in a bathtub and she called the police and my mom. She tried to stop the bleeding. She cried but she kept pushing through. She was….so mature in that moment. More than I had ever been. She wanted to be there when they admitted me. My mom didn’t believe what was going on- more so in a sense that she didn’t want to believe that her kid was sick. Just like she didn’t want to believe I was gay at first. Eventually, she saw past it. She saw how much I needed her and how much we didn’t want to lose each other. But yeah…that was…it was Dani.”
“You know, her Quinceanera is in a week and I can’t believe she’s already 15. It’s weird how time flies…how I can’t exactly remember it all.” I continued.
“Are you going? To the party i mean.” He asked.
I nodded. “I have to. I’m like in the…so it’s basically almost like a bridal party. It’s real weird. But they pair us up and we walk down an aisle and Dani will come out with her big poofy dress and everyone will look at her and sing ’Las Mañanitas’ blah blah blah. It’s a precursor wedding and weird tradition I hated. So i never had one. And now, mom gets to put all her spite of her not having one and me not having one into an over the top expensive party for Dani, but you know…don’t help me with my student loans or anything.”
“Oh…sounds like a…journey.” I let out a small laugh and he crept closer towards the gap. I opened the door a little bit more. “It was my mom for me.”
“What?” I whispered.
“I was ready to jump off my school building after I got with her. I would see her everywhere on my social media and around town. I had to hide everything about how she made me feel and I felt like I just couldn’t deal with it anymore. I sat on the ledge for a long time, thinking about it and staring at the ground. Just as I decided I was going to jump, I got a text from my mom. It said ‘hi honey, hope you have a great day at school! I love you a lot.’” He rubbed at his eyes and looked away from me. “I still have it saved on my phone- transferred over each time I got a different one. I look at it sometimes when i feel like utter shit. Then I call her.” He sighed deeply and I pulled him closer to me, the door falling open wider. “Have I ever told you thank you?”
“W-what?” I asked, stunned.
“Thank you. For being there for me. When shit hit the fan basically. You and Jae pretty much helped me through a lot. Is that like…a part of working through this? Admitting when you’ve been helped?”
I nodded. “It’s a start…”
He got even closer and kissed me, our pinkies tightening and lips slow and steady. My will was wavering and I was kicking myself again. It never failed. I pulled away and turned my head away from his. He sighed and kissed my cheek. “I’m sorry.”
“Sorry doesn’t make up for a lot of things, Johnny.”
“I know, princess. I know.”
“No, you don’t get to say that word to me anymore. That part is done. It’s only for people who know how to communicate.”
“Ok…” he said simply.
I let go of his hand and moved away from the door. He came through fully, sitting beside me now and set his arm around my waist. He kissed my temple then rested his chin on my shoulder. We stood quiet for a moment, trying to process everything. Nothing had gotten better at all. Everything was more confusing and more painful. I didn’t feel good and I didn’t want him here but at the same time I did. I looked over at his sad eyes, knowing he was truly sorry but still cementing the fact that I would never be his. Hurting was all I was good for and I accepted the karmic punishment.
I grabbed onto his shoulders and his eyes drew themselves to me. I laid nothing but whispers against his lips drawing him in to press himself against me and steal my breath away in a kiss. Gradually, our clothes began disappearing until we were naked in my bed, hands between each others thighs, stroking and thrusting until we were dirty with each other’s release. He didn’t let me go instead opting to grab my hips and keep me flush against me. “I want me on you. Not any of those assholes.”
“I’m not yours…”
“Tonight you are.” He dug his blunt nails into my hips and sunk his teeth into the base of my neck. It hurt with how hard he was biting down but I knew what he was doing; marking me so that whoever i was with next could see the deep bruise he was trying to leave behind. I clawed at his shoulders, whimpering pathetically and about to beg him to stop but he pulled away, pressing softer kisses to the deep marks instead. I shoved his head away seeing the playful smirk he had on his face.
“Ass…”
“You want a bite mark on your ass too?” he asked coyly.
I rolled my eyes and commanded him to get a towel to clean up the mess he made on my stomach. He gave me another kiss before scooting off the bed and heading towards my door. For a moment I thought I imagined it and had to blink twice but i saw him licking his fingers- the same ones that were inside me just a minute ago. He had never done that. Usually he’d wipe them on my sheets or something. I laid back and closed my eyes, tossing away any ideas of what that meant. I felt him on the bed again, gently wiping away his cum off my skin before laying himself between my thighs, his head on my chest. That also surprised me and i wished I knew what the fuck was going on in his head. Was it from all the weed? I didn’t really know how much he smoked before he got here. It could’ve been what helped set off his emotions and express his jealousy about Taeyong.
I wanted to pry at his stupid decisions and actions some more but I was slowly running out of energy to deal with arguing, anxiety, and my mood swings in such a short amount of time. I decided to lay in my self hatred with Johnny on top of me, our breaths flowing together into an easier rhythm. I closed my eyes and set my hand on his head. “Pet my hair.” He grumbled.
“You think that a half fuck is going to solve this?” I said, ignoring his request.
“No. We’re doing what we do best, hurting each other.”
“But why does it have to be like this?”
“Because it’s just who we are, Eri. It’s what we do. It’s how we function together. You want to call it off?”
“Call what off?”
“Being fuck buddies.” Yes was what I should have said. Instead, I shook my head and kept my eyes away from him. “Good…Because I don’t want to stop fucking you.”
“I don’t either…” I said softly. I ran my fingers through his hair now, pushing it back and feeling his sides that were grown out. "Remember when you asked me to feel alive?”
He nodded.
“Do that for me. Maybe me feel like I don’t fucking hate you for what you’ve done. Like i don’t want you more than I need to.”
He stilled against me and didn’t say anything. I could feel him looking at me and when I finally had the courage to meet his eyes I saw that he seemed to be hurt by my confession. Eventually, he mumbled a response. “I don’t want you to hate me.”
"Mostly i hate myself.” I hate myself for loving you.
“Dont, baby…” He turned my face towards his to continue our kiss. “You don’t need to hate yourself.”
“Just shut up, Johnny. Fuck me already.”
“Fine.” He growled and gave quick bites over my breast making me arch against him. I hissed slowly, gripping onto his shoulders and digging my nails into his skin. He morphed his bites into kisses, working to gather my nipple in his mouth to suck slowly but hungrily. Eventually, his kisses got even lower as he discarded my breasts in favor of moving down to the softness of my stomach. A little nibble beneath my rib cage jerked my body towards his mouth, edging my hips into eager swivels. I parted my lips to let out a sweet sigh and a small plead for him to keep going. His tongue dipped into my belly button, making me squirm against the wet heat. I inched my hands back to his hair to return him to my lips and stop his teasing but he had other plans. His hands suddenly came crashing down on my wrists, pinning them to the bed and practically crushing them. I winced at the pain and asked him to ease up but he only snapped at me.
“Shut up and don’t touch me, got it?”
“W-what are you doing?” I asked, nervously.
“Shut. Up.”
I squeezed my eyes shut tight, swallowing hard and full of worry more than sensuality. I tried taking deep breaths but I felt like I was getting more nervous. Johnny was quiet as ever but I could feel his breath tickling against my sensitivity. I licked the dryness from my lips and just as I was about to try and pull away from his hands I felt it. It was small and gentle, just the tip of his tongue working over my clit. My entire body tensed and I remained frozen in place. I feared scaring him, or worse, triggering him. We retreated into minutes of silence that made my heart race with worry. “J-Johnny? A-are you-?”
There were butterfly kisses to my clit before his tongue reached out once again. It covered the entirety of my lower lips, pressing a slick heat over me and gathering the cum left behind from his fingering to trail it back to my clit. He trapped the bit of nerves between his lips, suckling lightly. I knew he was being cautious due to nervousness and unease but it was also amazingly tender and sweet. I dug my teeth into my bottom lip and let out a moan hoping that he would take it as praise and a sign to continue. There was another long pause and my fingers curled in anticipation for more but there was nothing. I opened my eyes and looked down at him.
He was stationary, his eyes glancing over my center and lips trembling. The grip on my wrists got tighter, too tight for even my own liking. “Johnny…you need to let me go.” I said softly.
“No. I-i cant…”
“You can stop now, it’s ok but you’re hurting me. Come up here. Come kiss me, baby.” He looked defeated but saw the pain in my face and finally let my wrists go. I didn’t immediately shake out the numbing feeling and instead waited for him to crawl back up my torso. I held onto him as tight as I could, covering his lips, cheeks, neck in excited pecks. He did it. With me. It wasn’t complete or full or satisfying by any means but it meant so much. “You did so good, baby boy. So, so good.” I cooed.
He hid in my neck and whispered, “I’m sorry.”
I shook my head quickly. “Don’t be. It was good. A great start, ok?”
“I wanted to try…a little at least so you don’t feel like i did when we fucked in the bathroom at the party. You shouldn’t want to feel alive with me because you’re numb. I don’t want that at all.”
“I just wanna feel good is all…” I held onto him tighter. “I don’t want to feel like i’m going to be thrown away.”
“I-i wont…” He swiftly slipped out of the bed and returned with a condom on. He whispered as he pulled my legs around him, pressing himself at my entrance. “I wont…”
“But you can’t promise that.” I swallowed hard and felt him sink into me inch by inch. The rest of my thoughts were voided by the methodical pace of him stretching me open. He ignored what I had said and instead focused on kissing everywhere he could reach as he thrusted slowly. My hands traced the length of his spine, resting in the center of his back and keeping him close. Inside my head I pleaded for him to not go slow, to not be intimate and stir up more dreadful feelings inside the pit of my stomach. Please just fuck me so I can be reminded of how shitty you are. Don’t remind me of how cute and caring you can be. I’m begging you Johnny.
I knew he couldn’t hear me so of course he didn’t stop rolling his hips to have his cock hit every space within me. He was panting softly, gentle moans mixing in every once in awhile. They sounded so precious and I couldn’t help but bury myself in his lips again. His hand pulled mine away from his back just so our fingers could intertwine. Nonono, stop that. For the love of god don’t do this to me.
He squeezed my hand tight and I felt my tears resurface. This is what scared me the most. Not him leaving or him ignoring me or throwing me away. This Johnny, the human, sentimental, emotional man that could have me fall into his arms (and bed) at the snap of his fingers. I was helpless against him and I just craved more and more torture. He kissed away my tears and nudged our foreheads together. “Hey…it’s okay.” He breathed.
It is not okay. It will never be ok. But he took care of me, stilling every so often to regain his composure as i could feel him throbbing and ready for another release. Worst of all was that I wanted him too. I wanted him to feel good, another hurtful self sacrifice because I cared so much about him. I gave him a soft plea to cum for me, which he took instantly. His free hand slipped between us, his thumb pressing small acts of pleasure into my clit as his other hand never left mine. He only squeezed my fingers tighter while my walls squeezed him the same way. Just at the very end his hips made quicker snaps, hitting the back of my thighs and making my back arch from the mattress. And in one fell breath i felt my stomach heat up and the most comforting sensation flowing within me.
My cheeks flushed as I had never felt anything like it before and wondered what the hell did he do differently. Maybe it was because i was so damn love drunk that it made everything seem better when i was with him. It wasn’t until he jerked out of me so harshly that I snapped my thighs shut. “O-ow! Johnny, what the-”
“The condom broke.” He trembled.
“Excuse me?” I couldn’t believe what I had heard.
“Eri. The fucking condom broke.”
I looked down and could see his cum flowing out of me and staining the bed sheets, while the rubber had a slight tear across the tip. Our eyes met and panic slammed into me at full speed. “O-oh my fucking god. Oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god.”
“You’re on birth control right?” His voice was an octave or two higher.
“Well no shit! But it doesn’t magically mean it’s 100% full proof! People still get pregnant while on birth control.”
“I’M FULLY AWARE OF THAT ERI.”
“DON’T YELL AT ME.”
“I’M SORRY I JUST…” I noticed him staring at me which made me more uncomfortable.
“What? What else is wrong?” He shrugged but continued to stare. “Johnny. What is it?!”
“Nothing! It’s just…i mean-”
“Oh, you asshole!!” I flung my pillow straight at his face. “I’m literally fucking panicking and you think cumming inside me is hot!!”
“I’M SORRY!!! I’ve never done it before and it just…looks good, ok?!”
“You are the absolute worse and I CANNOT stand you!” I covered my face that was getting heated up by the second. How could he think about that while I was panicking? How could I think it felt good and perfect when i absolutely loathed cum (and was panicking)? We truly were fucking stupid.
“Hey, we’ll be ok. I know we will.” He said softly, reaching for my hand which i pulled away.
“Easy for you to say. You have the easy way out in case that happens.” I grumbled.
He kissed my forehead and laid beside me. “No I don’t, because I wouldn’t leave.”
I turned away from him, shoving my face into the mattress as I felt his cum sticky between my thighs. “Yeah right…”
“I’m serious….i’m not gonna be like my dad.”
“Alright well, we’re gonna stop talking about this. I’m gonna shower and you can go home so I can die in peace.”
“Don’t be so dramatic. You’re not gonna die. It’s just cum.”
“I’m gay! All I am is dramatic!” I huffed as I felt all flustered now and wanted to get away from him. I stood up and cringed at the feeling of it sliding down my leg now. I awkwardly shuffled to pick up my already cum covered towel just to keep me decent enough to get to the bathroom.
“Can you stop saying that? Because i’m like…not a girl.”
I looked back at him. “Well no fucking shit, Johnny. It’s just a blanket term because you wouldn’t understand everything I identify as. Just roll with it. I don’t have time to explain.”
I grabbed my phone and went to the bathroom, locking the door tight. I tossed off my towel and turned on the water, sitting in the tub under the spray so i could suffer in silence. Eventually i ended up plugging the drain so i could sit in hot water for a bit and try and calm my nerves. I tried calling Quinn but didn’t get an answer, even texted them and still got nothing. They were still probably up Jaehyun’s ass or Taeil or someone else. I don’t know. I dialed again and waited patiently.
“Hello?”
“Doyoung, I need you please.”
“Be right there.”
He hung up as that was all he needed to know that something was wrong. I washed up, making sure to get as much of the cum out of me as possible, then rinsed and dried off. As i opened the bathroom door, Johnny was standing in the doorway, hand raised as he was going to knock. I glared at the lit blunt between his lips.
“’M leavin’.”
“Good. Bye. I have someone else coming over.”
He scoffed. “Wow. Okay. Fuck you too.” He turned away from me and headed towards my front door slamming it harshly behind him.
He made me so fucking irritated with his hot and cold bullshit. I trudged to my room and tossed my towel in the hamper, picking up my discarded pajamas and putting them back on. Around 15 or so minutes later Doyoung was in my room with an absolute cringey look on his face. “Look, i’m sorry but i needed someone to tell. You and Quinn are my closest friends and they’re not here. Please Doyoung…i know it’s gross.”
“You liked it…” he whispered.
“Please don’t remind me. I hate myself completely.”
“Why do you keep doing this, Eri? You are literally worth more than that.”
“I don’t know! I wish I knew. I wish I could just leave him but I can’t. Every time I’m mad, he shows me that side of him that I absolutely love.”
“That’s emotional manipulation.”
“It is not!” I protested. “Well…uh…maybe it is? But I don’t think he would be doing it intentionally? Why would he? He can get with anyone. He has gotten with a lot of people. I don’t think I would be any different. After all he blatantly said i’d never be his girlfriend.”
“And how did you feel about that?”
“I cried. Instantly. It hurt so fucking bad.”
“So we’ve come to the conclusion that a) he’s a fuckboy, b) he doesn’t want to be with you, c) he’s emotionally manipulative, and d) he couldn’t care less about what transpired tonight.” Doyoung gave me a shady look which made me shrink away like a scolded puppy.
“Well technically he said he would be there for me and then I kicked him out so…”
“And now you’re sticking up for him?”
“I’m not! I’m just stating facts. Doyoung, i know you’re totally and completely right. But i just…it feels weird. It feels different somehow.”
“I’m kind of sick of giving you advice and you ignoring it. It makes it seem like you don’t even care what I say.”
“No i do!” I grabbed onto his arm, sadly. “I do! i swear! I’m just a fucking idiot. I like to fuck up everything and keep myself down.”
“Why can’t you see that there are better people for you? Even ones that are right in front of you?”
I rested my head on his shoulder and set my hand in his, squeezing tight. “Doyoung, how can I…how can I stop when i love him?”
“It’s not easy to stop loving someone but…no offense- well a little offense because this is going to be hard to hear- you stopped loving Jungwoo because he loved you too much, you can stop loving Johnny because you love him too much too. You can run away and leave without giving him any explanation.”
I pulled away from Doyoung completely.
“I’m sorry for saying that and hurting you, but maybe it’s the kind of shit you need to snap out of it.” He pressed a kiss to my forehead. “And if you’re so worried about what might happen I can go to the pharmacy for you.”
“I-i just need time to think…” i said quietly.
“Well, you’ve got three days until it’s ineffective-or less effective or whatever. You can let me know ok?”
I nodded and felt him crush me to his chest. I held onto him for a long time, happy to feel a friends pure love rather than the tainted mess from my heart.
–
Johnny’s POV
“FUCKING SHIT!” I threw the beer bottle I just finished against my wall, watching it shatter into pieces. What the actual fuck just happened between Eri and I? Tonight was fucked up- no, beyond fucked up to the point where I just ended up more confused and angry then I was before. I paced back and forth across my room while thoughts zoomed in my brain. I tried to break everything down and figure out what i could so I could attempt to get my mind straight.
I was pissed off at Taeyong. He was such a smug little fuck about hooking up with Eri, blasting it all over the chat. And why were they counting how many times they hooked up with her like it was some sort of game? I didn’t want him anywhere near Eri. She was mi-. I stopped pacing for a moment. She wasn’t mine. She is not yours Johnny. She is NOT yours.
My pacing resumed. He didn’t deserve to touch her. And neither did those other assholes. I wanted her to myself. She’s mi-. As i grew close to the door i slammed my head against it, not too hard but enough to try and get it through my skull that Eri was not mine.
I had told her she would never be my girlfriend because I was angry. I knew it hurt her the second it came out of my mouth and I wished I could’ve taken it back. Our conversation was so back and forth she probably thought I was crazy. One minute I was mad, the other I wanted to be with her, comfort her, be inside her and make her feel good. I didn’t want her to feel like shit because of me but I was failing horribly.
What even possessed me to touch her like that? So slow and gentle? It felt like I was having an out of body experience and I watched who I wanted to be for her come out and take over. It was what I wanted to give her for the longest time. Something more stable to hold onto rather than whatever the fuck I was now. But that didn’t go over so well for my feelings. I was faded and more emotional than ever, a bad combination. I wanted to tell her what I felt for her but i don’t even think i’m too sure myself. Feelings were there but what kind? Did I have a crush? I liked her? Wanted to keep being fuck buddies? Did I love her? My body shuddered at the thought. I had never been in love before so how could I know?
I’ve always wanted to be in love and have someone to care about. I knew familiar love and friendship love but not romantic love. I wanted to take my girlfriend to the beach, to Korea, to visit countries across the globe. Take pictures of us for vacation scrapbooks and eat everything we could ever dream of. Go hiking with her and hold her hand so she wouldn’t trip on a branch and hurt herself. Laugh when we thought of a memory we had together or hold her as she cried. But i was also scared shitless of all of that. Could I even be that good of a person to her? I didn’t want to end up being a carbon copy of my dad. Why would I want to be the cause of my love’s suffering and leave them behind with a kid I didn’t care about?
Fuck.
The stupid condom.
I tossed myself onto my bed and groaned. I was scared of that too. I’m only 23 and work at a fucking coffee shop, what the hell was I gonna do with a kid? I’m sure we were gonna be okay but…it still made me a little queasy. Except for the fact that I thought cumming inside her was fucking hot. I was a complete jackass for thinking about it at a time like that but I couldn’t help it. Like me: worried to all hell and back about the condom breaking, also me: holy hell I want to do it again. I facepalmed myself and let out another frustrated groan. I was ready to just throw myself out a window rather than face my embarrassment and mistakes. Now Taeyong was probably going to be up her ass and I swear to god if he got with her I was personally going to go to his apartment and kick his ass.
I sat up and started taking off my clothes, figuring I could just sleep all this shit away and ignore it. I flung everything to a corner of my room and reached over to shut off my desk lamp. I noticed my little keychain that I had got at the bookstore resting on the desk. I picked it up and shut off the light before snuggling deep under the blankets. I kept the keychain close to me thinking of nothing but Eri as I went to sleep.
A week had passed since that weird half fight/half fuck between us and I was starting to get a taste of my own medicine. I hated not hearing from her and I found myself constantly checking my phone to see if by chance I missed anything. She hadn’t even posted on any of her social media that I followed her on. Whenever I would hang out with the guys at lunch none of them talked about her, not even Lucas. I had no idea what was going on. I tried to keep myself busy with school work but found myself thinking of her more than I needed too. Sometimes those thoughts implanted little sinister buds of sinfully delicious fantasies and in the midst of being hurt and confused about where we stood I was jacking off to thoughts of her more than I needed too. It was multiple times a day, whenever I was at home and it was starting to get on my nerves. I shouldn’t have been thinking about her like that when I was the cause of most of this mess but it couldn’t be helped. I was a stupid slut and would rather focus on that then the pain I caused her. I was in the middle of rutting against my hand and mattress only a few seconds away from cumming when my phone beside my pillow lit up. The brightness in the darkness of my room distracted me and I look at the screen, ready to ignore the notification until I saw who it was from. I wiped my hand on my sheets and snatched my phone up, unlocking it and going to the message.
🦇BatOuttaHell🦇: hey
I typed in my simple response quickly.
Hey
🦇BatOuttaHell🦇: come over
Fuck…did she actually want to hook up?
What for babe?
🦇BatOuttaHell🦇: we need to talk.
🦇BatOuttaHell🦇: asap
Talk about what?
🦇BatOuttaHell🦇: come over and i’ll tell u dumbass
🦇BatOuttaHell🦇: I mean it
Give me like 15 mins. Im busy
🦇BatOuttaHell🦇: fine but dont keep me waiting.
I bit my lip and set my phone aside. It made me nervous to think about what she wanted to talk with me about. A small part of me was hoping that I could still get laid and have amazing makeup sex. But first…
–
Eri’s POV
I hated that I had to do this. With every fiber in my entire being. It was definitely up there with one of the worst decisions I would have to make. I didn’t want to talk to him or even make him think that I had forgiven him. I had purposefully ignored him like he had done to me so many times before. Even when he sent me the occasional text I left him on read. It felt good to have that power but I had to cut my reign of terror short when I realized that my problem needed a solution and fast. Time was running out and I exhausted all my resources. I knew I was going to regret this but it had to be done. My stomach was in knots as I waited for him. 15 minutes was a lie, it was over a half hour before he showed up at my place. His hair was damp and he smelled of fresh cologne and soap. I stared at him quizzically when I opened the door. He smiled at me, looking like he was happy to see me while I was mortified to see him. He wasn’t wearing anything fancy either. Just a white crew neck and some skinny jeans and winter coat but he still looked so damn good. Stupid fucker.
“Sooo…” he started, chewing on his bottom lip a little bit. I yanked him into my apartment and dragged him towards my room, slamming the door behind us. “Oh shit, ok.” He grabbed at his shirt, about to take it off when I stopped him.
“No! None of that!” I swatted at his hands. “That’s not what I called you over here for.”
“Oh…” he said, dejected.
I rolled my eyes. “Look, i don’t have any other choice. You were the last person on my list, so don’t like flatter yourself.”
“What is going on? You’re making me suspicious.”
I sighed. “Will you be my boyfriend?” Oh jesus christ no, not what I meant!!
“Excuse me WHAT?!” He screamed.
“AHHH FUCK, I MEANT PRETEND. PREEEETENND. PRETEND TO BE MY BOYFRIEND!!” I tried to correct myself.
“AGAIN, WHAT, AND I CANT STRESS THIS ENOUGH, THE FUCK?!”
“Ugh! Okay okay, back peddling.” I took a deep breath trying not to fuck this up even more than I already had. “Just hear me out ok?”
“You better start talking asap, bro!”
“I need someone to come with me to my sister’s Quinceanera this weekend. I have literally asked every single one of my guy friends and they’re all "conveniently” busy. I seriously need help.“
"Why can’t you take Quinn or something?!”
I sighed. “Johnny, if I show up with a girl as my date my grandparents would disown me and it would make a huge scene at the party and I can’t take that away from Dani. My family has this thing where they obsess over asking me if I have a boyfriend or not. I’m the oldest cousin so according to them I should be married and pregnant by now. My mom tries her best to keep them at bay but if I just show up with someone they will at least be civil for this party. Please. I don’t have anyone else. I wouldn’t be asking you this if it wasn’t a huge deal for me.”
“Well that sounds like a personal problem. Sucks to suck.”
I was shocked that that was actually his response. It was a good effort I guess but I was stuck doing this alone. I hoped to all hell nothing would happen that would ruin this for my little sister. It was completely stupid that my family judged me based on who I loved or wanted to be with, that every question about my life had to revolve around me having a man. It always started with a blanket question, one that seemed innocent enough, but then veered into “when will you get a boyfriend?” territory. Not only that but I still had to be on the down low whenever I was with them. Dani knew and so did my mom who was still working to be supportive but that was it. I knew I couldn’t tell other people in my family. If I went alone I could just suck it up and be miserable the whole time which at this point looked to be my only option. “Sorry to bother you…” I said as i sat down at my desk. I lowered my head onto the top and tried to figure out a way to smooth things over with my family for one night.
“Eri…is this really that serious?”
I raised my head up and looked at him. “Yes. I just want things to go right with this, for her sake. I’m literally the black sheep of the family. I’m darker than everyone, my hair is curlier, i’m queer, i play in a heavy metal band, i’m not ultra feminine, and i’m as far away from traditional as possible.” I tried again to convince him. It was turning out to be more pathetic than I hoped for. “I will promise, like absolutely promise, to be nice and civil with you if you do this for me. Please Johnny?”
“What do I get in return?”
I sighed and rolled my eyes. “Whatever you want. I’m too desperate to fight you on this.”
“Anything I want? You’re serious?” He asked. I could almost see the deviousness going on in his head and instantly regretted it. But I swallowed my pride.
“Anything.”
“Ok. I’ll think about what I want and let you know. I gotta dress up or something?”
“So you’ll do it?” I practically jumped out of my chair.
“Yeah, i’ll do it.”
“Fuck, you stupid bastard! You’re the best!” I threw myself on him, wrapping my arms around his neck in a tight hug. “It’s tomorrow night. We have to drive two hours to get to where I live. It won’t end until late so we can get a motel if we’re too tired to drive back.”
“A motel, huh?”
“Don’t even start, please.” I went to pull away but he set his hand on the small of my back, keeping me close.
“Tell me what you want me to do.” He lowered his head towards mine, getting dangerously close to my lips. I swallowed hard.
“W-well…wear something nice and don’t be an asshole. Um…pretend like I’m the greatest thing to ever grace your life? Hold my hand or something…or hold me in general. Follow all my lies and try to remember them. Be prepared to be grilled by every woman in my family and subject to a bunch of sexist and misogynistic comments from my stupid uncles. They’ll be some kids there running around and loud ass music. Um…you may have to dance with me.”
“Oof…I’m not a great dancer.”
“It’s fine, i don’t dance much either. Oh and don’t get drunk. Oh! And don’t let me get drunk. I think that’s the gist of it. I may think of other stuff on the way there. Is that all ok?”
He cupped my face in his hand while the other held mine. He lowered himself to my lips and kissed me gently, barely teasing my tongue with his own and making my heart feel like it was about to burst. When he pulled away my lips kept following him not wanting to let go. He chuckled softly and looked directly at me. “Mi amor, siento que no puedo vivir sin ti.”
I shoved him away. “BITCH, WHAT THE FUCK?!”
He cackled loudly, clutching at his stomach. “Is that “boyfriend” enough for you?”
“Where the hell did you pull that from?!”
“You said it’s a Quinceanera right? I figured I could put my 6 years of Spanish class to good use. How’d I do?” He was still laughing up a storm while I was ready to call off the whole thing. I couldn’t believe he would be able to possibly understand my stupid family.
“How much do you know?” I asked.
“Enough. I’ll mess up every now and again but I think i could pull off a conversation if I needed to.”
“Christ. Ok…If they say something to you just pretend you don’t know anything. I know they’re gonna talk shit and then you can come back and tell me. That’s all we’re gonna do, ok? Ok. I’m gonna throw up.”
“Why? I won’t mess this up, okay? I know she’s important to you. We’ll be civil remember?”
I looked up at him and nodded. “Thank you, Johnny. Seriously.”
He shrugged and shoved his hands in the pockets of his jeans. “It’s cool. So what time is my hot date picking me up?”
“Probably around 4, i’m sure I’ll need to help set up and stuff. And help with makeup. We can get dressed at the motel because I do not want to walk in heels in the snow and i also don’t want to mess up my dress. Where I live my mom said that the snow is more melted and they have clearer sidewalks so I should be good there.”
“Alright, sounds good…so…what’s our plan for tonight?”
I raised my brow, confused. “What do you mean?”
“I came all the way here and I figured we might…We could practice for being a couple tomorrow.”
“You’re going to give me a bunch of hickies and I can’t have that.”
“That’s the pot calling the kettle black. All you do is bite and scratch like a little chihuahua.” He laughed.
I stomped my foot down and huffed. “I am not a little chihuahua!”
“How about I make them where everyone can’t see? Then we won’t have any problems, hmm?”
I crossed my arms and pursed my lips together, hating how devilishly convincing he could be. He was a natural born flirt and it made me want to punch him. I nibbled my bottom lip contemplating if I should really give him the satisfaction. He pulled his coat off and yanked his shirt over his head, showing me his perfectly toned chest and how low slung his jeans were. Asshole. I grabbed onto the waistband of his jeans and pulled him close so we could crash our lips together. He pushed me back onto the bed and crawled on top of me, shoving his tongue past my teeth and coaxing me to moan in his mouth. I grabbed onto his shoulders and shoved him down so I could roll on top of him. “What’s the real reason you were late?” I asked as I dug my nails into his stomach.
“Jacking off.” He grabbed at my tshirt and tried pulled it up but I shoved his hands away and pinned his wrists down.
“I knew it, pig.”
“You act like you don’t do it. How many times have you showed me what you like doing when you’re alone, hmm? When we facetime and I call you late at night?” He teased.
“Shut up, Johnny. You’re so fucking annoying.” I dove my head down to bite at his chest, leaving harsh kisses in my wake. He tried moving his hands but i kept him pinned, liking the fact that he was the one squirming for once. I moved just a bit lower to land a few bites before licking through the center of his chest and up his throat. His entire body practically caved in on itself with how hard he shuddered.
“Fu-fuck…” He licked his lips and tossed his head back, moaning deeply. I blushed as I watched, feeling myself become victim to how good he looked. I resisted the urge to suck on his neck and went back to his chest, taking his nipple into my mouth. I knew this would truly make him squirm but i didn’t expect how hard his hips would buck. I moved my head away from him to over hover his face.
“You’re not being a very good boy are you?”
He opened one eye to glare at me. “When am I ever?”
“I think I should stop. I’ve got a lot to do tomorrow.”
“Oh don’t you play that game with me, Eri! That’s not fair!”
I moved away from him completely and made my way over to open my bedroom door. “Out.”
He sad up with an incredulous look on his face. “You’re kidding?!”
“You’re being bad so you get nothing. C'mon now.”
“I’ll be good then! Whatever the fuck that means!”
I shook my head. “I’ll pick you up at 4, ok?”
“Fuckin’ hell!” He got up, his jeans visibly tighter and pulled his shirt back over his head. He grabbed his coat and made his way out of my room with the biggest pout on his face. Just as he had stepped out of the door frame he turned back to me. “Can I ask you something?” He propped his forearm above his head on the frame and looked down at me.
“What?”
“Besides us freaking out…did you…did you like it when I came inside you?
My entire face felt like it was on fire and took a step back as if that would somehow prevent him from seeing my embarrassment. "I-i-i-i have n-noooo idea what you’re t-talking about!” I stuttered.
“I mean, did you like the way it felt inside you? Like how hot or how deep it was?”
“Please stop talking!” My voice was now a squeaky whisper.
Johnny smirked and ran his tongue over his teeth. “I guess that answers my question, doesn’t it? See ya tomorrow, Eri. And don’t forget, you owe me one.” He winked at me and headed towards my front door, leaving me more flustered than ever.
–
I spent the whole two hour ride telling him about which one of my aunts would grill him the most and which cousin got pregnant first and who’s baby daddy was a complete failure and which of my uncles was most likely to get drunk and cause a scene. I was sure he wouldn’t remember any of it but I was trying to over prepare him for the shit show that was my family. I also needed him to make a good impression so it would look like he was actually happy to be dating me. Fake dating me of course. We checked into the motel first and I spent most of my time being frustrated with my hair and trying to curl it the way I wanted it. It just barely cooperated and i wasted about half a can of hairspray trying to keep everything in place.
My makeup was more softer and neutral than normal to go with my pastel pink floor length sweetheart neckline dress (which made me feel lowkey so pretty). Dani’s theme colors were pink and mint so I was able to at least wear something I would like. Just as i had slipped on my gown i realized there was no way I could reach the zipper in the back. I huffed and squirmed, trying my damndest until I finally gave up. I opened the bathroom door just a crack and peeked out. My heart basically exploded and I wouldn’t normally say that my basement could flood in two seconds but this was definitely one of those times.
Johnny was checking himself out in the large mirror on the other side of the room. He wore black pinstripe pants that hugged his ass like a dream. The sleeves of his dress shirt were rolled to the elbows and a fitted grey vest covered his torso. He adjusted the black tie around his neck, fussing with it until he seemed comfortable enough. He had an extremely nice watch on one wrist and a silver chain bracelet on the other. A few simple rings decorated his fingers and his black dress shoes seemed to sparkle in the fluorescent lighting. His hair was even freshly faded and his bangs trimmed and slicked back. Lord have mercy I wanted to die. I swallowed hard and took a few deep breaths before I called out to him.
His honey brown eyes shot up to look at me and I gripped the handle of the bathroom door tighter. “What?”
“Could you um…help me zip my dress?”
He sauntered over to me I tried to keep myself within the tiny gap of the open door but he pushed it open leaving me exposed to all of his handsome glory. He found the zipper and slid it up slowly, making sure the fabric didn’t get caught in it. “Do you want me to tie the sash thing too?” I nodded meekly and felt his hands smooth over the fabric under my chest and slide back to gather the ends to tie into a bow. It was such a simple thing to do but it had my body turning warmer by the second. I caught him looking at me in the reflection of the mirror above the sink once he was done. He looked shocked, licking his lips as if he was trying to say something but not being able to get anything out. I turned my head back towards him.
“Do I…do I look okay?”
He shook his head as if to clear his thoughts. “Yeah, you look alright.”
“Oh…” I said softly. Just alright.
“I mean like you look good, you know? Um…yeah, real good.”
I avoided looking at him as I slipped out the bathroom. I didn’t have that much time left before we had to head over and I still had to wiggle my feet into heels that I was sure would break my ankles as soon as I got into them. I struggled to get them strapped around my ankles, huffing when my boobs got in my way as I doubled over to reach my feet. I sat down at the small desk and tried to angle myself another way but it was still just as frustrating. “Need help with that too?” He asked.
I nodded, defeated and he came in front of me, landing on one knee. He slid my dress up to my thigh and took my foot in his hands, delicately securing the straps around my ankle. I couldn’t help but feel like Cinderella in that moment, even if my so called prince charming was a fuck boy. “Thanks.” I said softly as I stood up. He rose to his feet too and it was weird to almost be face to face with him, instead of staring at his chest.
“Oh, i don’t like this.” He joked. “I’d like you to stay mini sized.”
“Yeah well they won’t be on for long. They’re already killing me. I just need to get through the walk and first dance and then i’m tossing them.” I nibbled my lip for a moment before pressing them to his, which seemed to catch him a little off guard. “Hmm, it’s nice to not have to stand on my tiptoes to kiss you.”
“Hm, let’s hope that walk goes fast. I don’t like those heels either.” He smiled at me and offered his arm. “Ready now?”
I grabbed my clutch from atop the desk and nodded. “You have the room key right?”
“Yep.” We headed out of the room and towards the parking lot to my car. “You know, the pastel pink is really nice with your skin tone.”
I straightened up at his compliment. “You really think so?”
He opened the door to my car and lead me to sit down. “I know so.”
I laughed nervously. “A-are you practicing your boyfriend skills?” I tried to make it sound like a joke but he just shrugged and went over to the passenger side to get in. I swallowed hard and clicked my seat belt into place before revving up the engine. “Oh, remember how I said if I told you my government name I’d have to kill you?”
“Yeah?”
“Well you’re going to hear it tonight and if you so much as ever repeat it you won’t have a dick, got it?”
“Why not? It can’t be that bad!”
“Trust me, it definitely is.”
–
“ERIANNALISSE!”
I cringed. I cringed hard and wanted to shrink away into a minuscule molecule and be non existent. I didn’t even want to look at Johnny to see what he was going to say. I could practically hear him trying to cover up his snickers. I sighed and put on a fake smile as my aunt came to me with arms wide open to capture me in a death grip hug that could snap my spine in half. “Ay, mija! Look at you, you look so pretty!” She paused. “Have you gained weight?”
“Nice to see you too, Titi.” I grit my teeth and tried to ignore her shade. Her eyes went over to Johnny, looking him up and down and squinting her eyes a bit.
“Eriannalisse, quien es este?” She asked who Johnny was.
I grabbed onto his arm, digging my nails into his bicep. “This is my….boyfriend, Johnny.”
He waved and grimaced through my death grip. “Hi. Nice to meet you.”
“Hm…” Was all my aunt said. “Titi Carmen has been wanting to see you. I’m sure she’d want to meet…Johnny.”
“Yeah, i’ll go see her in a bit! I have to find mami and Dani first.”
My aunt kissed both of my cheeks and left to go join the gossiping group of women in my family who all suddenly turned their gazes from their champagne flutes to Johnny and I. I turned my back towards them and looked up at Johnny. “I will literally pay you .25 cents to kill me. Just make it quick.”
“Don’t be so dramatic, Eriannalisse. What’s the worst that could happen?” He smirked and laughed a bit which made me frown.
“Johnny, I told you don’t call me that. I’m serious. They can call me that because they don’t recognize who I am as a person. You can’t.”
“O-oh…is it a gay thing? Like one of your gay things that you won’t explain to me?”
I sighed and looked down at my feet. “Yeah, sort of. I’ll explain it to you eventually. Just not now ok?”
He took my hand in his and gave it a squeeze. “Ok, i’m sorry. I won’t say it again.” He leaned down just a bit and gave me a soft (rated PG) kiss which made me smile.
“It’s just hard being around them…I wish it would be a fun time but-” I suddenly heard vicious clacking before arms were thrown around my shoulders.
“ERIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!” I recognized the overly excited voice and looked up at my modelesque baby sister. “I missed you so much!”
I kissed her cheek and turned around to properly hug her. “Hey, happy birthday.”
“You’re like almost my height!” She said, looking down at my heels. Dani was so graciously blessed with being 5’8”, skinny, with straighter hair and caramel skin as opposed to my milk chocolate. Her eyes were the perfect shade of hazel with flecks of green that sparkled perfectly. She was only my half sister as our fathers were different but we were raised both the same, save for the fact that she was a model and I was the throw away. “You look so pretty. I’m glad you’re not in black- Yooooooooooo, who is THIS!?” Her attention turned to Johnny, her eyes wide and mouth practically watering.
“Uh…hey.” he said sheepishly.
“This is my boyfriend, Johnny.”
Dani laughed and slapped my shoulder. “No, really!? Who is he?”
I pouted. “I’m serious. He’s my boyfriend.”
Dani looked at me then stepped up to Johnny. “What’s her favorite color?”
“Pastel pink.” He answered.
“Favorite food?”
“Pizza…and pasta.”
“What instruments can she play?”
“Guitar, and she sings.”
“What’s her favorite anime?”
“Sailor Moon.”
Dani squinted her eyes. “When’s her birthday?”
Fuck, he didn’t know that. I grabbed Dani’s arm, trying to get her attention from ruining our facade. “Dani, can you not grill him please? It’s bad enough Titi Lisa and probably Titi Carmen are talking shit about us already. Also, I haven’t told mom yet.”
“You haven’t told mom yet?! How long have you been dating?”
“It’ll be four months in December.” Johnny added. “We started dating right when the semester started. We have a class together and I thought she was cute so,” He shrugged. “Here we are.”
“Yeah but you’re hot. Eri has never dated anyone this hot before.”
“Well gee, thanks Dani! And i’ve dated cute people before!”
“Yeah cute, not hot. He’s hot. If you’re not going to keep him, I’ll take him.”
“You’re fifteen!” Johnny and I said at the same time.
Dani shrugged. “I mean…”
I held my hand up. “Don’t even go there. He’s like-” How old was Johnny anyway? “Way older than you. Stop being an instagram thot for once. Where’s mami? I need to know when she wants us to line up and start this.”
“I think at 8 exactly, but she’s running around like a chicken with her head cut off. I’ve just been chilling with my friends for now. This dress weighs like 50 pounds and I’m sweating like a whore in church.” Dani fanned at herself and hiked up the bodice of her dress. I looked at her poofy dress that was a beautiful array of soft Monet colors but way too 90’s barbie cake topper. It wouldn’t have been my first choice but I was sure mami wanted it to look as traditional as possible. “Oh, by the wayyyy, I know you have a boyfriend now but mami invited Josue.”
I straightened up completely when I heard that name. Josue was my childhood crush. He was older than me and I never stood a chance with him but we always played together. Once we kissed in my backyard and told me that he wanted to play house with me and be the daddy. I had been in love with him up until I was 12 when he moved away to a different state. “Jo-Josue? He’s coming? Here? Tonight?” I squeaked.
“Who’s Josue?” Johnny interjected.
“Josue is Eri’s big ol’ crush from when she was younger. All they did was play house together and be mommy and daddy and make kissy faces at each other. Then they kissed for real and he touched her chichi’s! But they never lived happily ever after because he moved away.”
“Dani, por favor, why do you have to be like this? I’m just happy to know he’s going to be here. I haven’t even seen him in like…almost 7 years. Besides I’m with Johnny now so it doesn’t matter.” I forced his arm around my waist and he clutched onto it tightly.
“Uh-huh whatever. Have you not followed him on Insta? There’s a lot of nice gym pictures. He hit a growth spurt. He’s like 6”3’ now.”
I swallowed hard. “Really? O-oh wow…”
“Sounds like a tool.” Johnny scoffed. “Ya’ll got beer at this place?”
Dani nodded towards the bar at the back of the venue. “Just fight my uncles off before they drink them all.”
“Cool.” He dipped out completely, leaving me and my sister to be swept away by our mother who had just stepped in like she was out of breath. She hustled to get us all lined up and ready like a bridal party ready to walk down the aisle. I sighed as I stayed in place, shuffling a bit as my feet already started to hurt. My mind started wandering to my childhood crush. Memories started bubbling to the surface; he had been my first kiss, the first to get to second base, and the first person I had wanted to be my boyfriend. He was three years older than me and I didn’t stand a chance with him. But his name was written all over my notebooks until I got my first girlfriend.
I couldn’t help but peek around a bit, wondering if he was already in the venue. I didn’t have much time to investigate as our entrance music started playing and pair by pair we walked into the main dance floor. I was walking with one of my younger cousin’s who I rarely spoke with so I barely paid attention. He had to yank me back a bit when I walked too fast and it made me want to punch him. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Johnny leaning against the back wall nursing a beer and watching me intensely. I smiled in his direction, letting him know I was still trying to be civil but he just took another sip and shoved his hand into his pocket. I wondered if he was ignoring me on purpose or if he genuinely didn’t see me. I chewed on my bottom lip almost getting swept up in my thoughts, that was until I saw Dani walking into the room.
Even though I had seen her just minutes ago now that all eyes were on her she looked sparkling and glowing. I’d never seen her look so beautiful before and it brought tears to my eyes that I tried wiping away as soon as they surfaced. I was a proud sibling then. She meant so much to me that I hoped that this day always reminded her of the happiest times she had in her life. We had our ups and downs but for the most part I was always there for her as much as she was there for me. She embarrassed me and I made sure I had to keep her in place before she got too out of hand. Even though I was far away from home now, I knew we would always remain close.
The floor was hers now and we dispersed to let her have the spotlight. I retreated to one of the circular tables while her and our mom shared a dance. It was normally meant for a daughter and her father but since neither of us had them in our lives our mother was the one who deserved to have that dance. I felt a touch on my shoulder and turned to see Johnny sitting behind me at the table. “Want some?” He said, offering the beer which i denied.
“I hate that kind. I’ll leave you too it.”
“She looks nice.”
“She��s a little shit but I love her.”
“I could say the same about you.”
I whipped my head around to stare at him wide eyed. “W-what?”
“I meant like you’re chill! Like i like you. Not like like you but like we’re cool. Uh…you know.” I stammered.
“Right…yeah, um…ok.”
“You wanna dance?!” He said, changing the subject quickly. Dani and my mother had finished their sentimental dance and the dj had switched to some reggaeton/trap mix Dani most likely requested.
“Uh, you mean make a fool out of ourselves?”
He shrugged and chugged down the rest of the beer in a few gulps. I guess it wouldn’t be so bad. My cousins were already grinding with whoever they invited or dancing in groups and laughing. We could probably blend in without being too weird. I kicked off my heels and stood up, extending my hand for him to take. I should’ve had a drink before I even agreed to this. My stomach was already in knots and my anxiety was making me feel like I was going to look stupid but he took my hand and we found a spot in a little corner of the dance floor. I stood in front of him waiting for him to make a move but he just stood there with his hands in his pockets. Why the hell did he keep doing that? Was it a nervous habit?
“So…” he said.
“Are you gonna like…move?”
“I’ve never danced to this sort of music. What do I do?”
“Literally it’s the same as rap music in english. You just sorta…” I gestured towards my family. “Grind on each other and act a fool.”
“So you turn around and just like put your ass against me?”
“Oh my God, have you never done that before?”
“Listen I was a dork and went to high school with a bunch of white kids and we like listened to Ke$ha and Britney Spears. What do you want from me?” He laughed.
“That’s unfortunate.” I joked. I turned around so my back was against his chest and I set his hands on my hips. “I’m not the best but I figure I can put my ass to use.” I worked myself back against him, swaying to the music a bit in hopes of getting him to respond.
Instead he laughed nervously and held my waist tighter. “How do people not get boners doing this?”
“I mean that’s what the song 'Too Close’ is about. Don’t tell me this is turning you on already.” I teased.
He lowered himself to face level and turned my head towards his to kiss me. I held it for a bit, enjoying the way the warmth of his tongue flowed over mine until I realized if my mom caught me doing this my ass would be grass. I pushed him back gently. “Johnny! I can’t do that. Behave!”
“C'mon, I at least need to have a little bit of fun while I’m here. And then when we get back to the motel we can-”
I felt a tap on my shoulder then. Johnny and I both looked up to see a tall, absolutely golden, green eyed adonis that looked like he could pick me up and toss me around in an instant. If I could have heart eyes I definitely would. I let go of Johnny instantly, almost pushing him away as my heart started to skip beats.
“Eri!” I knew it was him instantly even if puberty hit him like a freight train and gave him a deep bass-y voice that made my hair stand on end. He opened his arms to scoop me up and crush me to his barrel chest which smelled of high priced cologne. My feet dangled just a bit when he lifted me. “I can’t believe it. I haven’t seen you in ages!”
“Oh my god, Josue…Jesus, you’re huge.” God I hoped he was huge everywhere.
He laughed and I tried not to show how much it affected me. “Oh yeah, I’m really into that health and fitness thing. You really uh…wow. Definitely not a teeny bopper anymore.” He set me back down and adjusted the sleeves of his suit jacket.
“Yep! Got bigger boobs now, haha!” Why did I say that? WHY???
He licked his lips a smiled a bit. “I can definitely see that.”
Johnny cleared his throat deeply. Josue turned his attention to the man behind me. “Oh hey, I’m Josue. Who are you?”
“I’m her boy-”
“This is just Johnny!” I interjected with a nervous laugh. “Just Johnny! Want to go get something to drink? We can catch up!”
Josue flashed his incredibly perfect teeth. “Yeah I’d love that.” He set his giant hand against the small of my back ushering me away from Johnny.
“Eri!” Johnny said sternly.
“I’ll just be quick!” I mouthed to him, letting myself get whisked away. He didn’t seem too happy about that but I could let him sulk for a bit. I was too preoccupied at the moment anyway.
–
Johnny’s POV
That was fucked up. Way more than fucked up and I was pissed off beyond belief. She was the one who begged me to come with her so she would survive her family. Now she was head over heels for some dude she had a crush on years ago who looked like the biggest douchebag to ever exist. He was taller than me and more built, had perfect teeth and no lisp. I wanted to punch him dead in the jaw.
I didn’t know what to do now. If I went after her it might cause a scene which I didn’t completely want. I still knew that this party was important to her sister and unlike her I wasn’t being an asshole for once. I could get another drink and maybe get away with being a little tipsy but her loud uncles were hogging up the space and the bartender’s attention. I grumbled as I sat back down at the table. my arms crossed as I contemplated leaving her and going back to the motel by myself.
"What are you pouting for?!” Dani said as she plopped down next to me, her poofy dress seeming to expand.
“Nothing.”
“Where’s Eri?”
“With precious Josue.” I said bitterly.
“Ah, so he finally found her. I knew he would.” She drummed her nails on the table thinking over her next statement. “You’re not dating my sister are you?”
“It’s complicated…”
“You’re fuck buddies?”
“Yes.”
“I figured as much. She can’t never lie right when it comes to me. So, you’re in love with her then?”
I snapped my head towards her. “Excuse me?”
“You’re in love with her right? I mean that’s the only reason you would be sulking over her because Eri went off with her new papi.”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about. I’m not sulking.” She was definitely Eri’s sister with how she blurted out things without consequence.
“Look, if you want to win her over you need to definitely do something that will make her remember you. Not that I want to hear about my sister’s sex life or even think about her getting p or v action, but if you got something she might like, go for it. And do it before she ends up going to Josue’s hotel.” She craned her neck to see where Eri and that asshole had gone off too. “Looks like he may have already given her his number.”
I looked in the same direction, my anger only getting stronger. They were huddled over their phones, laughing, with Eri casually (but noticeably) keeping her hands on him. I didn’t want to “win her over”. I wanted to stake my claim and tell him to fuck right off. The grip on my biceps got tighter the more I stared at them. “Ay, you got a younger brother?”
I turned my attention back to Dani, a bit grateful that she was distracting me enough to not go apeshit. “What? No? I’m an only child.”
“Wack. But like if you’re not gonna date Eri then likeeee…”
“You’re fifteen! I’m not going to jail nor am I interested.”
“Ok, ok…but like do you have any younger friends? What flavor Asian are you? Chinese? Or like them ones that dance on tv? The um…the Korean ones!”
“Oh my God.” I ran a hand over my face. “Yes I’m Korean. And no I don’t have any friends your age. My only young friend in Toronto is 18, which is still illegal.”
“Dammit. You know Eri be listening to that stuff right?”
I pulled out my phone, wanting her to take a hint that she was now annoying me without being too rude. “Doesn’t surprise me when she fucks half of Asia.”
“All her hookups are with Asian guys?”
“As far as I’m aware. But who fuckin’ knows.”
“Oooohhh I gotta mess with her about that. Guess she trying to get that carribean dick now.” She cackled and slapped my back hard as she got up. “Call me, ok?!” She said as she finally left me to join the gaggle of teenage girls that were her friends.
I rubbed my temples and took a few deeps breaths. I needed a smoke, badly. I looked to see if Eri was still stuck to Josue’s side but they were nowhere to be found. I looked around the dance floor trying to see if they might have gone there. Sure enough she was grinding on him now, definitely not as awkward as she had been with me. She was practically bent over and ready to get fucked by him. Fuck it. I stood up and weaved through everyone dancing to make my way over to her. I stood in front of her, watching as she came up from shaking her ass.
“Can we help you?” Josue yelled over the music to me. I rolled my eyes at him and took Eri’s chin in my hand giving her a deep kiss. She stumbled back a bit and gripped onto my vest. When i pulled away i licked my lips, tasting the slight flavor of her lipstick.
“Johnny!” She exclaimed.
“What the hell are you doing?” He asked, in his macho voice, trying to one up me.
“Oh, you didn’t know?” I grabbed onto Eri’s waist and kept her close to me. “She’s MY girlfriend. You had your fun catching up right?”
“Eri, you didn’t tell me-”
She looked panicked as she glanced between us. “No, wait- It’s just-”
“Come with me.” I growled in her ear. “Now.”
“Johnny , I swear to g-” I kept my arm around her waist and lead her towards the front door of the venue. When we were in the clear she whipped around to face me. “What the actual fuck?!”
“I should be asking you the same thing! You’re really gonna ditch me to throw yourself on him? After you begged me to come here?!”
“I wasn’t throwing myself on him! We haven’t seen each other in 7 years! So excuse me if I wanted to talk with him.”
“Hard to talk to him with his dick practically in your mouth! What is wrong with you?!”
“Why are you being such a jerk again! You always do this!” She yelled.
“You’re the one being the jerk this time! I’m fuckin’ pissed. When are we leaving?”
“Leaving?! I have to stay here for at least a few hours! Clearly you don’t know how these go.”
“No, Eri, i fuckin’ don’t. But I do know that you going off with someone else while I’m supposed to be your boyfriend blows our entire cover. So either you fucking act right or I can leave right now. You sister already knows were lying.”
“Fuck!” She stomped her foot and sighed. “I knew she would figure it out. She better not tell anyone.”
“I’m pretty sure she won’t have to with you being stupid. Get me my cigs from your purse wallet thingy.”
“Get you-? Get it yourself! I’m freezing and I’m going back inside. And maybe i’ll still be talking with Josue!”
I grabbed her arm and held onto it. “Eri, do you want to go there? Really want to go there?” My eyes caught hers and i could see how hard she swallowed. Her chest was heaving chest a bit and trembling with the cold.
“What are you going to do?” She sniffled.
“Do you want to find out?”
“M-maybe.”
I let her go then opened the door, guiding her back inside. “Then keep it up. I dare you.”
She stayed quiet then but shuffled ahead of me quickly. I realized I had made her walk outside without her shoes on or our coats but it was whatever at this point. I needed her to know that I wasn’t playing games any more. She was mine.
–*
Eri’s POV
I could barely keep up with Johnny’s long strides from the parking lot to the door of our motel room. He continued his little tyrade of sticking by me and keeping me from Josue, never letting go of my hand, or my waist, even when he went through the ringer of meeting more members of my family. Him being pissed off had me pissed off and it didn’t help when my family told me how fat I looked, or asked when Johnny and I were getting married, or why I had spent so much time in college, or even that what I was studying wasn’t going to get me a real job. It made the entire rest of the night absolutely fucking miserable. Not to mention when I told my mother I was going to spend the night in the motel with Johnny instead of driving home at midnight she blew up on me, saying that it wasn’t right and insisting that I stay at the house. I refused to and I had no idea why she still thought I was some sort of Virgin de Guadalupe or some shit. It was another fight to end this magical night. I gave up and just wanted to take a hot shower, put on my fuzzy pajamas on and possibly smoother Johnny with a pillow as he slept.
Johnny barged into our room, not even bothering to hold the door open for me. I didn’t even want to deal with him since I was still mad at my mother for treating me like a child. I went straight to prepping for my shower, tossing my clutch and fake eyelashes on the desk and my phone on the bed so i could plug it in to charge. I unzipped the dress as best as I could without his assistance and shimmied out of it, leaving it a puddle in front of the bed. I didn’t care anymore. Not one bit. After I showered I pulled the too short towel around me and went back into the shared space. Johnny was sitting in the chair, feet propped up on the desk and tie loosened. He was glaring at me and I swallowed hard at the intensity. He dropped his legs and leaned forward in the seat, undoing the first few buttons on his dress shirt.
I tried to ignore the effect he had on me and instead went to my duffel bag to try and find my pajamas. He stopped me as I passed by him, grabbing my wrist and pulling me in front of him. “Ow! What’s your problem now?!” I asked, still trying to clutch onto my towel so it wouldn’t fall.
“This night was complete bullshit. I’m your boyfriend and all you could do was throw yourself onto that guy and embarrass me in front of everyone.”
“I wasn’t throwing myself on him!” I argued again. I hated that he was saying that. So what if I found Josue incredibly attractive and felt like a preteen again as soon as I saw him? That was my business and not Johnny’s.
“You grinded on him, got his number, and had your arms around him for minutes on end. You made me look stupid. I’m your boyfriend, Eri.”
“Fake boyfriend.” I corrected.
“That’s what I meant.”
“Why should you be embarrassed then?!”
“Because your uncles didn’t think that I was man enough to keep you with me. And your aunts talked shit about me all night.” He pressed himself up against me making the edge of the desk dig into my lower back. “You said you were going to be civil and you were far from civil.” He set his hands on either side of my hips, keeping me in place.
“A-ah, Johnny…back u-up.” I whimpered and avoided looking at him but he grabbed my face roughly.
“You wanna try that shit again, Eri? Hmm?”
I could feel his fingers digging harshly into my jaw. “I didn’t do anything wrong! You’re just a jealous prick that-”
He pulled away from me and shoved me back onto the bed, instantly hovering over me. My towel fell open just like my legs and he pinned both my wrists above my head in one of his large hands. I swallowed hard and felt my heartbeat increase. I had no idea what had gotten into him and i was partially thinking about what Doyoung had said about Johnny. Was he actually trying to manipulate me and make me feel bad for being with Josue? I bit my lip as I thought, wondering what his next move would be. “Get off me.” I tried to sound strong but it was a pathetic attempt.
“Open.” He demanded.
“W-what?” What the hell did he want? I figured it out quickly as three of his fingers dove down my throat almost making me gag. I squirmed against him, trying to edge my head away but he was adding more of his weight onto me as his fingers plowed into my mouth. His knee was pressed right into my center, the residual wetness from the shower dampening the fabric. I tried swallowing around the invasion when his knee started to rock into me.
“Suck harder, Eri.”
I didn’t dare look at him. His voice was doing something to me as always. Stirring the pot of emotions and hormones that made me fall into a space of complete submission. This wasn’t like his usual ways though throughout or hookups I could see the dominance poking through. Now he was another person that I was desperate to get to know. I tried my best to suck deeper at his fingers, sliding my tongue around them and providing them all the wetness they hopefully needed. I knew exactly where they were going and i was going to be stretched far beyond my imagination. With his thrust his rings kissed my lips, shocking me with a bit of cold and excitement. I edged my tongue around the silver as best I could given the invasion that took up most of my mouth. Slowly the metal warmed up and I pressed my thighs against his, feeling a tingling throughout my center.
He pulled his hand away sharply, making me cough as his glistening fingers dove lower. Two were rushed inside me making my knees jerk up towards my chest and toes curl. I was already crying out his name, wanting him to slow down just enough for me to catch my breath and adjust but he ignored me. Instead he was working in the third finger, forcing my walls to flex and waver around him. He was already digging my arousal out of me. I could hear it so blatantly echoing in our room. I buried my face in my arm beside my head, still being unable to free my hands though I struggled as much as I could. He seemed to like that struggle as his fingers curled deep inside me, knuckles pressing against my entrance, the rings threatening to push past and fill me up too.
“Fuck, Johnny!!!” I cried out as my thighs almost snapped shut. It was starting to be too much and I could feel myself already crawling towards an orgasm.
“Quiet.” Was all he said as he pulled his fingers out to give me some relief from the pressure. I was throbbing and gaping around the stretch he left behind, my whole lower half practically trembling. He finally let me go and sat down on the bed. He splayed his legs open, unzipping his dress pants and beckoning me over to him. “Get over here.”
I shook my head, raising myself to my knees and shrinking myself away. I wasn’t scared of him, far from it. I was definitely turned on more than anything but I wanted to push him further than he had ever been capable of. He wanted to be a jealous boyfriend that pushed my buttons well I was going to push right back. “You’re being a jerk. I’m not giving you the satisfaction, especially after you decided to barge in there with your giant ass fingers!”
He lurched forward and grabbed onto my arm before I could wiggle away. He yanked me to his chest then gripped the back of my neck hard. Our eyes met before he pulled me close to his lips. “I like it better when you don’t talk.”
I squinted at him, almost in shock that he used my own line against me. “You fucker.”
He pressed me down towards his lap though I tried to resist as much as I could. It was no use as he was stronger than me and I was face to face with his growing length trapped within his briefs. His hand was now digging into my hair keeping me firmly in place. I landed a bite to his hipbone making sure he knew I wasn’t too pleased in the way he was handling me. He hissed out my name and arched his hips, his nails digging into my scalp. I wrapped my hand around his, trying to pry his iron grip away while adding kitten licks to the outline of his cock. That seemed to soothe him a little as I heard him exhale through his nose as he relaxed back against the wall. His nails quit marking my skin and he opted to push my hair away from my face gently instead of trying to rip it out.
I slid his briefs back and guided him towards my mouth pressing kisses down the shaft before licking back up to the tip. Once I got to the tip, I took him in, swallowing his head completely. I shifted my hips to raise my ass higher for him to look at knowing it would tease him. I looked up at him and saw the full pleasure that was written across his face. His eyes had closed, his lips pressed together, and his fingers trailing down to open more buttons on his dress shirt. I popped off him and placed kisses up his stomach with each new area that became exposed. “I can tease that little spot that you like.” I smirked and added a slow stroke to his cock.
“Actually, I have a better idea.” He shoved me down onto my back and straddled my shoulders, his cock now hovering above my face. I couldn’t move with his weight on me and I was trapped between his thick thighs. He tapped my lips with his cock which I absolutely hated. I slapped at his stomach but he remained stoic. He only moved to shove himself down my throat, propping one hand against the wall while the other kept my head in place. He worked quickly to rock his hips against my face making me claw at him. I wasn’t used to this sort of thing, even with all of my experience, and it hurt like all hell. I was trying my damnedest not to gag around him but it was impossible given the fact that he was ramming into my throat. My eyes watered and tears fell against my will. My nails dug into his hips as I silently begged for him to slow down.
He was moaning my name, more than he ever had before, completely lost in the pleasure of torturing my throat. He looked fucking amazing, I had to give him that much, even if I hated what he was doing to me. I loved the way his hair was coming undone from the gel he used, the way his dress shirt lay open and his tie dangled above me like an invitation. The way his thighs stretched out his dress pants was a dream and I wanted to touch every part of him. I reached for the thinner end of his tie, pulling roughly so it zipped up to his throat. He lurched back at the sudden pressure and looked down at me. He must have seen my fucked up state because he pulled out, leaving me grossed out by the messy spit that connected us still.
"Fu-fucker. That hurt” I croaked.
He pulled off me completely before lifting me up to sit in his lap. He wiped away my tears and I buried my face in his neck, clutching onto his vest. He kissed at my cheek, pulling me away from hiding. “You ok?”
I sniffled and nodded. He worked his hands over my sides and hips trying to soothe me more. Of course he couldn’t help himself and gripped my ass tight which made me laugh just a bit. “I’ve never done that before…”
“Really?” He asked, surprised.
“Ok, I’m a hoe but like there are some things I haven’t done before. You have to remember you dick is huge, dude. I’m small.”
He gave me soft tender kisses and tucked my hair behind my ear. “I know, princess. I’m sorry. But don’t think you’re getting away with this shit either.”
I pouted and crossed my arms over my chest. “I stand by the fact that I didn’t do anything wrong.”
“Hmm.” Was all he said before he tossed me face down onto the bed. I looked back at him as he discarded the rest of his clothes, dangerously holding his tie in his hand. He mounted me, as I was completely his to take and wrapped the loop of the tie around my wrists, pulling tight. “You like this don’t you?” It was supposed to be a command but I could tell it was mostly an uneasy question and he needed permission to continue.
I nodded and smiled at him. “I like it a lot, daddy.” I gave him a quick kiss sealing my consent. I threw out my rule of not using our titles with one another since he couldn’t actually communicate but in this moment I need him to know that I was his to command and I was giving him as much power as I would allow.
He wrapped the length tie around his fist, keeping a firm hold on it. His other hand jerked my hips up while his knee nudged my legs apart as far as they could go. My ass was raised, arms outstretched, and my body was trembling with excitement. His first thrust was swift and hard. I could hear his hips snap against me and I was barely able to hold myself up in that moment. My arms shook weakly and I dug my fingers into the sheets as my mouth curved into a silent moan. He was almost too deep for me to handle and every slam into me seemed harsher than the last. I couldn’t really keep up. It was overpowering and I wanted to scream my pleasure into the tiny room though I could barely even mumble a word.
My fingers curled as I tried to send tension to my arms instead of my weakening legs. It was useless though and I could feel my stomach tightening. He landed a slap to my ass just as I tried to pull away from him and regroup. I hissed and bowed my head, breathing out his title again. Suddenly, my phone buzzed by my head, the screen lighting up and distracting me. I turned to see who it was and winced. This was the worst time for him to call.
Johnny pressed my head into the mattress and sped up his brutal thrusts. “Why don’t you answer it, Eri? Let him hear how good you’re getting fucked. Tell him who’s really your boyfriend.”
I opened my mouth to say anything but all that came out we’re soft croaks. I panicked when I saw him reach for my phone and I struggled to move to try and block him. “D-dont, please don’t.” I was finally able to say. He let go of his grip on the tie wrapped around my wrists and instead set it around my neck. The call disappeared much to my relief.
“What a shame Eri. Let’s see if he calls back or if he took the fucking hint.” I swallowed hard and nodded, biting into my lip to try and still my moans. He quickly latched his teeth into my neck, sucking deeply like he always did when he wanted to mark me. “Stay on all fours, got it?”
I propped myself back to my elbows as he forced my thighs to rest on the outside of his. I could hear his moan of satisfaction at the sight of me splayed open with his cock stuffed inside me. I wanted to shy away and hide but he wouldn’t let me of course. He resumed his grip on the tie, pulling it taught around my neck and constricting my air flow. My eyelids fluttered and i wondered if this was heaven. Jesus, it felt so amazing even if every muscle in my body felt like it was burning and my insides were a scrambled mess. While he made my back dip by pulling my neck by the tie I felt his other hand slid down from my hips to my wetness, flowing over my clit. I was grateful for the extra attention and wiggled my hips to rock back against him and dive further into his fingers.
His finger started to trail from my clit to dance around my gaping entrance and just like before he pressed the long digit in little by little until it was almost as deep as his cock. I pleaded for him to stop, it was too much, too overwhelming for my overly sensitive walls but he kept working away at my torturous pleasure. That, coupled with his thickness, made the tendons in my legs strain as bliss shot through me. My moans mixed in with my strangled pants as he dared to press a second finger into me.“J-johnny!!” I rasped. “It’s too much!!”
He pressed his body weight harder against me, keeping me pinned so I would have no way from escaping the overstretching. “You’re not going anywhere.” He whispered harshly in my ear, making me shudder. He curled his finger then, the pressure of his knuckles against his cock, and the sliding of his rings against my heated walls made me clench meekly around him. Johnny enjoyed seeing me writhe beneath him, seeing me try and focus on being a good brat when in reality I was starting to unravel into a brainless mess. Nothing had a hold on my attention like the buildup he was creating inside me. I could barely process the words he was saying to me with how fuzzy my senses were. He curled his fingers deeper getting right to the root of my pleasure. The head of his cock was edging as far as it could go within me, his fingers pressed into the perfect spot, and his thumb brought back smalls swipes and circles against my clit. It was a haphazard clusterfuck of intense sensations that all culminated into a harsh orgasm that sent my mind reeling. It felt like my cum rushed out of me, painting my thighs with a deep warmth that was astounding.
I squeezed my eyes shut as my entire frame trembled. My muscles seized, tensed, and finally gave out. I fell forwards, collapsing onto the bed in a breathless heap. My lower half practically felt numb and I tried to concentrate on not passing out. It wasn’t just the physical fatigue, the mental and emotional fatigue of the entire day weighed on me in that moment. My few seconds of recuperation was cut short when Johnny pulled his fingers out of me. I felt another gush then, making me a bit confused as to how wet I really was. It definitely felt different and I could hear Johnny make some remark though his words weren’t registering. He said something else and I nodded weakly, agreeing to whatever he had posed just for me to have the ability to relax soon.
But that was definitely wishful thinking. He yanked me almost to the edge of the bed and continued his brutal fucking. I let him grip onto the back of my thighs as he huffed out growls and moans. He was swelling inside me, making me wince yet encourage him with mumbles that I thought were words. His fingertips dug into me harder and that sweet heat spread throughout my body again. I smiled and relished in the feeling of him pumping into me, slower and slower, until he milked himself completely. I laid there, unmoving and enjoying the way he felt inside me like I always did until I i lost myself in sleep.
–*
Johnny’s POV
I felt her move beneath me and there was a stickiness and sweatiness between us. I groaned as I didn’t really want to move but I needed to break away and get some air. My hand was over hers, my body curled around her, and my cock of course still inside her. It was almost perfect save for the giant wet spot we were forced to lay in because she squirted everywhere. We had both fallen asleep almost immediately after and i just adjusted her in the bed for me to have enough room to spoon her. Now everything made me feel like I needed an hour long shower. I rolled away, letting go of her hand and putting my forearm over my eyes to block out the bright light of the room. How long were we even asleep for?
She mumbled something and groaned, blinking a few times before fully looking at me. “Hey.” She sounded like she had smoked 2 packs of cigarettes a day for the past 40 years and I cringed at my handiwork. She tried clearing her throat but opted that it was too sore and winced in pain.
“Hey…maybe you shouldn’t talk…” She glared at me and I shuffled a bit away so she wouldn’t attack me.
“I feel gross. Why is everything wet? What happened?”
“What do you mean what happened? We fucked?”
“No, no, I know that. But I was so tired at the end-” She paused to rub at her throat. “I felt like half asleep. It was good though but I was worn out.” She laughed softly.
“Well, you’re welcome for that but like…do you even remember your orgasm?”
She nodded quickly, her smile beaming. “Oh yeah.”
“You squirted everywhere and basically we’ve been laying in the soaked sheets because we’re dumb as fuck.”
“Wait…squirted? No, i can’t do that. I’ve never done that.”
“What do you mean you cant do that? You literally did. Twice. The first time when you had your big one and then when i pulled my fingers out. It was like…not how they make it out to be in porn. Like not some weird super soaker spray but like-”
She held her hand up to stop me. “Please don’t describe it any further. I just…holy shit.”
I pulled out of her slowly, never getting used to that amazing feeling. It got me every time. It also sent my cum dripping out of her which was almost as good of a sight as her squirting. “Fuck…”
She wiggled a bit, a look of discomfort on her face. “What the hell?”
“We’ll now we got my cum on the sheets…” I said, partially annoyed. We really had to get them off this bed.
“DID YOU CUM IN ME AGAIN?!”
Her yelling caught me off guard. “Yes? I asked you this time and you agreed!”
“When?!”
“What do you mean when!?”
“I’m sorry if I was too fucked out and tired to freakin’ listen to you blab during sex! But you can’t be doing that! It freaks me out!!!”
“Hey, i asked to cash in my favor and you definitely said yes so I did it. It is not my fault.” I sat up slowly and inched my way to roll off the bed. “Come on. We need to get these off and I think I’m gonna take a shower.”
“Aren’t you worried at all?” She said softly.
“Me? Not really. I told you it’ll be alright. We’ve got everything covered.” It was a lie but I was blinded by how good it felt sexually and I also didn’t want to make her panic more than she already was. I told myself I’d stop after this one last time and not risk it anymore. She didn’t move and I could tell she was overthinking again. I went over to her and scooped her into my arms, holding her bridal style. “I’ll have you get the shower started while I take care of the bed. She held onto my neck and buried her face in my chest as I walked her into the bathroom, gently setting her down in the tub. “You ok?”
“Y-yeah…” She reached up and pulled me in for a kiss that I held for a long time. It wasn’t deep or passionate but more so intimate and warm. I sighed and cupped her face.
“Go, ok? I’ll be right back.”
I pulled away from her which seemed to be getting harder and harder each time. Even if it was just back into the room it felt like a million miles away. I tore off the soaked sheets, glad that the comforter was still mostly dry, and tossed them in the corner of the room. I said a silent apology to housekeeping and hoped to all hell they wouldn’t look at it directly when they put it in the wash. I padded back to the bathroom and slipped in behind her.
“Turn around.” She said and I gave her a questioning look. She sucked her teeth. “I was just about to get the…stuff out.”
“Eri, i’ve literally seen you every which way. Do you really think I care how you look getting my cum out of you?”
“JUST DO IT.”
I sighed and turned around, picking up the little motel bar of soap and ripping off the plastic. I waited for her to finish, getting impatient about being in the cold spot. “Dude, hurry up.”
“THERE IS A LOT OK? You don’t cum like a normal human being!”
“Apparently neither do you, Splash Mountain.”
‘OH MY GOD. SHUT UP. SHUT UP. SHUT UP. SHUT UP.”
I snorted and looked back at her. “Can I please get under the water now? I’m freezing.”
She switched spots with me and I finally got under the hot stream, thankful to wash away a whole nights worth of sex. My time under the stream by myself didn’t last long as Eri snuggled up next to me, her hair a soaking mess of waves that framed her face and made her look like a painting of a goddess. “Too cold. I want to be next to you.”
“You big baby.” I joked and ruffled her hair. She pouted and poked at my stomach making me squirm away. Our antics made our shower way more fun than it should’ve been, mimicking the perfect time we had in the tub before I freaked out on her. It was almost like a do over and I was appreciative of that fact. Once we were done and dried we curled up, facing one another, under the comforter. And although we were both fatigued, we stood up for hours talking about shit I never even dreamed about knowing about her. By the time the sun rose I was able to realize that one thing was for sure. I was in love with her.
–
We thought everything would be fine after that, and it was between us, but on Eri’s side things seemed to hit the fan one after the other. Their grandpa, who was back on the island they were from, fell ill. Their mother didn’t let them have a say in anything and whisked them away, making them leave school and work behind. There was a looming threat that they could be fired or even lose their financial aid which worried them just as much as their grandpa’s health. Each night they were gone we would facetime just so I could see them. I missed having them beside me whenever I wanted and it wasn’t even about the sex anymore. I genuinely found that I liked talking to them. There was never any judgement and I started to understand why certain things were important to them. Now I had to be there for them and help them stay strong even though I knew they were crumbling.
I was laying on my side, my phone propped against the wall, as I watched them cry. There wasn’t much I could do, or even say, at this point but i remained on the video. They apologized over and over for crying so much but i reassured them that I didn’t care. They let me know that it was okay when I cried and I wanted them to know the same. “I miss you..” They hiccuped.
I sniffed and cleared my throat, swallowing my own emotions. “I miss you too…you know you have to be there. It’s going to be okay.”
“He’s gonna die Johnny. I know it. I visited him today at the hospital and my mom and my aunts just keep putting this weird bandaid on it. They keep thinking he’s going to bounce back and be able to take care of the house and my grandma and he wont. He literally wont. I don’t know why they won’t just fuckin’ say it.”
“They’re scared, Eri. They’re losing one of their parents. It’s always going to be scary.”
“I know that but I hate being the only fucking rational one here. It’s driving me insane. Just look at him and say he’s going to die! He’s just going to die, Johnny. He’s going to…” They burst into another round of tears and buried their face into a pillow, muffling the heart wrenching sobs. I wish I could be there. I wish I could hold them so fucking tight and never let them go. It hurt me to see them like this.
“Baby, look at me, ok?” They moved their head up and wiped at their eyes. “When you come back here, i’ll be here for you ok? It’s going to be hard but I’ll help you get through this. And so will Quinn and stupid ass Lucas and all your other friends.”
I finally saw them crack a small smile which made me feel a little better. “I know…I-” Suddenly, someone burst into their room. I couldn’t make out who it was exactly as the video started to pixelate. They had a conversation that I couldn’t understand but seemed stressed. They grabbed their phone and finally the video came back into view. “I have to go. I-I’ll talk to you later, ok?!” Before I could even respond the video was cut off and I had my own disturbance burst into my room. I shot up in bed, looking at Jae who seemed to be distressed. Great, was everyone around me having issues at once?
“Dude, what the-” He held his cell phone out in his shaking hand and I could see a call from an unknown number going on. “What?” I asked, still confused.
“Talk. Talk now.” was all he said.
I took the phone tentatively and held it to my ear. My body went into shock as soon as I heard the voice that had haunted me for weeks on end. The voice that made my skin crawl and make me want to vomit. What she said next drenched my blood run cold.
“Johnny, I’m pregnant.”
#johnny#johnny fanfic#johnny smut#johnny suh#johnny seo#nct#nct 127 fanfic#johnny nct#nct 127 fanfiction#nct 127#nct smut#nct 127 smut
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Shouldn’t Be -KNJ [Part 3]
For the @btswriterscorner - Amor Fabula Launch Project in celebration of the month of Valentine’s Day!
Plot: Kim Namjoon is a Doctor whose most challenging client ends up teaching him about how love could heal.
Rating: PG-13 // SFW
Genre: dystopian!au/dystopian themes | angst | romance/fluff
Pairing: Kim Namjoon x Female OC (Madeline) ft Kim Seokjin
Warnings: Strong language, mentions of conversion, violence
Links: FAQ || BTS Masterlist || Admin L’s AO3 || [ REQUESTS ARE OPEN ]
Word Count: 1,698
AN: This certainly was a challenge to build a world like this. It was a bit different than what I like to write (supernatural and fantasy) but I feel satisfied with it. I hope you guys like it as well! Comments, reviews and all around messages are always welcome!
© thebiasrekkers (Admin L). All rights reserved. Reposting/modifying our work is prohibited. Translations are not allowed. Plagiarism/stealing is not tolerated by any means. Legal action will be taken in instances of theft.
Two months had passed and Madeline had been healing quite nicely. Namjoon’s careful manner had ensured that she healed within the maximum limits of her body. However, he had gotten to know her a lot better since she was staying with him. The authorities had come by several times during that time to ask him what had happened that night but it was a strange thing that nobody was missing her. He didn’t want to pry into her life but after that amount of time, it was starting to become apparent that there would be nobody else looking for her.
So that meant that she wasn’t of their Caste.
He’d come to that conclusion about 3 weeks into her stay with him because with the higher castes or even the ones with him in it--they would be looking for people if they had gone missing. With that relevant information, he decided to go ahead and run her genes and her blood type since he would have access to all that information. The results of that had his heart nearly falling out of his chest because everyone was required to submit their genetic data and all health issues to the System. He had stashed the paper with the results in his room, safeguarding it as best as he could.
Because she was a Rebel.
However, the longer she stayed--he found out that there was more to her than the Rebellion. Namjoon found that he could talk to her much easier than his wife of 8 months. He could gaze at Madeline and not feel the chasm between the both of them. They sat outside and marveled at the way that everyone was able to rebuild with what they had. She even expressed her sorrow about how violent some of the Rebel’s were. They talked in great detail about the emotions that he’d been missing out on like the sorrow she had felt about that latter topic.
The subjects that would come up between them were deep and profound like he had been sitting with someone from long ago near a river. He could almost imagine the scene including the cold air on his face as the stream trickled by them.
Felicity noticed the difference in her husband almost immediately and constantly pestered him to come over. Namjoon could tell that she was a good person but she was misguided by her upbringing. His wife constantly complained to him that she needed to move in with him or for the opposite to happen. Even bringing up the fact that it had been long enough for them to conceive a child, heading to his place of work to file for paperwork herself. He had that stopped right away when he found out, finally bringing her to reality for the moment. Since then, his wife had been quiet and demure in the times that he was actually able to meet with her.
But with the days with Madeline there, he felt no such pressure to exist. Namjoon was free to relax around her, to question things and ask her more about things he had been wondering about. She even acquired an old movie tape for them to watch together, Old Yeller. He’d never felt such joy when watching the thing, even had a few tears escape his eyes. To feel such things, it moved him and gave him a brightness that he’d been missing since being born. He found that looking at Madeline then brought him a bit of what they called happiness in his dull life. The colors in the world were finally starting to make sense, actually becoming colors that were vibrant and meant something other than the words that he learned.
Felicity, however, had finally seen what was going on in her husband’s life. Even from speaking to his colleagues, it wasn’t hard to figure out that she needed to enter his house. That was where she found the paper with Madeline’s information and all of his notes concerning her health. That was when his wife picked up the phone to call the Authorities to report the woman that dared to invade into their lives.
They were able to track where her husband had gone that day but he wasn’t alone. Madeline had insisted on seeing the sea, finally able to get out and enjoy the weather. They had no idea of what was coming for them, only the scream that Madeline emitted when they were charged at from the back. A group of heavily armed men came rushing towards them and separated the both of them, Namjoon confused as to what was going on while Madeline was fighting them to the best of her ability.
“So… that’s how it happened, Mr. Kim?”
The therapist looked over at him, his glasses sliding down his nose just a bit. Some would say that his face was perfectly symmetrical, baffling the others on his looks. His dark hair and just as dark eyes seemed to stand out in the white of the office that Namjoon was now in. The therapist noted that the man looked even more haggard since he was brought in, a combination of life stress and the unfortunate situation that he was now placed in.
He noted that his work record and his achievements were beyond explementary, even taking a scientific approach to life itself. Now, from what he’d seen of the man--this was something strange for him to go through. Even his wife proclaimed that he had been acting strange since the Rebel arrived, even going as far as suggesting that she did some sort of mind altering drug on him. Toxicology reports came back to disprove that, much to her chagrin. However, that still didn’t show why he all of a sudden decided to help the Rebel.
When Namjoon nodded his head, unwilling to speak to him--Seokjin jotted that down in his notes. There was no room to feel pity for the man as he should have known what would happen should he help her. The man before him had given up on everything, he could see it so there was really a couple of things he could do from there on out.
“You do realize that we have submitted Madeline into our Converted Therapy?” Namjoon’s head shot up, eyes finally at full attention. His face dropped even more than what he thought it could when he heard the news. Seokjin, however, kept his neutral face and adjusted his glasses once he saw the reaction that came from him. Every little bit that he noticed, he jotted down and from what all that he’d seen--he might suggest the same thing for the good Doctor as well.
“According to the doctrine we have to apply, Madeline will not remember much of you. We will start purging her emotions and other facets of her personality that she had developed according to the law. You know this, Namjoon….” He leaned out of his chair to get a better look at the man, “So why are you so upset at this news?”
Namjoon rested his head in his hands, something sorrowful coming over his body. He recognized the feeling when he watched Old Yeller with Madeline, the feeling like someone had reached inside of him and pulled something out. He now fully understood the depth of grief that was portrayed in the movie, the sense of hopelessness that he had once he knew that she would be gone...forever. Knowing that, it sent him into a fit of rage--a fit that finally burst through the dam that was taught to him since a young age. The unfair treatment that Madeline had talked about, it was all beginning to make sense to him.
“BECAUSE I LOVE HER! IS THAT SO WRONG?!” He slammed his hand down on the table before lifting it up, sending it crashing to the side. “She was the first person to truly talk to me, speak to me in a way that didn’t need words sometimes. She understood my work and why it needed to have been done--didn’t p-push or anything, just let me be me…”
A sob came from his body, leaving his last few words broken and struggling to escape. He crouched down, crumpled from his outburst. Seokjin’s eyes were wide as he avoided the trouble but then knelt down with him, patting him on the back. He may not have understood what was going on but by all accounts, this man was having a mental breakdown and would have to be dealt with accordingly.
“I-I want to be put through the same therapy.”
Seokjin’s eyes couldn’t have gotten any wider at his statement. The treatment wasn’t for the faint of heart, only needed for the cases of Rebels and some of the Converted when they slip off the train after the first time. He had to know why he wanted to go through it with her. He licked his lips and got just a bit closer to him, the faint keening sound that he just realized he could hear--coming from Namjoon in his grief.
“Why, Namjoon?”
He looked up at him and the determination almost left him open mouthed. The man had decided on what he was going to do and there was no talking him out of it.
“Because I love her and there is no use of living with my memories if I can’t have her with me. And you all have taken her from me, so what use am I to anyone now? Sign the papers and let me go.”
Seokjin sighed and got up off the ground, crossing it to his desk. He pulled out the same paperwork that he signed off on for Madeline, scribbling his name and why he was suggesting the therapy for one--Kim Namjoon. Soon, the men came and collected his body from where it sat in sorrow. It never got any easier sending someone to the Compound but it had to be done, regardless of why they decided to take the unlawful road or not. It was just a shame that someone of his caliber had to go through something like that.
Case closed.
#btswriterscorner#btswriterscollective#hyunglinenetwork#bts-amor fabula#kwordsmiths#btsbookclub#bts fanfiction#bts fanfic#bts#kim namjoon#bts dystopian au
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Your recent ask about struggling with your serious writing projects really hit home, but was also super inspiring. And intimidating. I hope you know I think of you like a writing sensei now. Is sensei the right word? Writing big sibling? Anyway, how do you deal with the anxiety of all those projects? I want to be a Proper Writer too, and I have the ideas and the time, but I always get nerfed by anxiety whenever I try and write original fiction. Any tips on how to stop overthinking?
In light of our shared fandom, dear @captainkirkk, I will accept "Sifu".
Writing tips!
You are obviously solid on writing mechanics and short story arcs (maybe long form arcs too, but I've only had the pleasure of reading your short fics thus far.) So in your case, it is probably just a lack of experience causing most of this anxiety. 'Cause I have found that becoming comfortable with each new stage of writing is an exercise in exposure therapy.
If you're specifically worried about original characters/fics, consider working more OCs into your fanfics just to get more experience with/feedback on them. You'll know real fast if people are reacting well to your OCs, and can tweak things accordingly in the wonderfully low-stress world of fanfic.
As far as anxiety on writing in general, as far as I can tell it never goes away, but there are definitely strategies to lessen it. You'll have to experiment with what works for you. For me, going for long nighttime jogs and just turning ideas over in my head in a low-stress not-even-trying-to-write-right-now environment is super helpful. And if you haven't already, it's Real Big Important to learn to separate the "something is wrong with this story" anxiety from the "I am the worst writer ever and everything I touch becomes ash unto mine eyes" anxiety. I've gotten in the habit of literally trying to write out my anxiety causes. Mock example that's pretty much exactly like what I really do:
(I start with a clear statement of the problem:) Why do I hate this scene, it feels like the literal worst?
(Then I list potential causes:) are character interactions weak? Anything I can do to increase tension/character interplay? More background elements to add depth to scene? Is this supporting the plot enough? Do I even need this scene or can important elements be combined into future scenes? Etc.
Then I work my way through each question, allowing "no this is fine" to be an acceptable answer. And if everything is fine... I might just be in a grr mood where Everything Is Awful and I should take a break because I'm only going to do more harm than good here. Go for a jog, play with the cat, switch to another story for a bit if-I'm-not-grring-at-that-one-too. I actually ran into this with Little Zuko 31; I basically did exactly the above, and ended up scraping about 3k of perspectives-in-the-waiting-room because they were slowing the pacing and coming off as too Zuko-whumpy in a story that doesn't usually drag its heels in depressing bits. My solution was literally "this boy needs a goddamn coat earlier in the chapter so everyone can stop worrying about him and we can get back to the right tone", so I deleted a whole slew of scenes, inserted the early Yue POV, and had her bring him a goddamn coat. And suddenly the chapter was good, great, I-can-work-with-this. But it took a few hours to A) acknowledge that I was writing myself deeper into a pit of this-isn't-working, and B) put my finger on the cause enough to fix it. Sometimes it takes me days to figure that stuff out. Or months. Or years. I've got a novel I just took out of my Grrr Drawer that I hated hated hated, but now that I've got more experience with fixing things, I was able to spot what was wrong and figure out a roadmap for fixing it.
If you haven't already, make sure you've joined some sort of weekly-if-not-daily critique group where you can crit a metric ton of stories and read the crits others have written; it is notably easier to spot mistakes on someone else's work, and many times you'll walk to the fridge and go "...wait a sec, I'm doing that too". I have learned more about story structure from criting works that were almost-but-not-quite working than from reading all the perfectly edited novels in the world. (Critique Circle is an excellent site for this, best I've found, though as with all crit sites you need to know how to work the system so you're getting the most out of your time spent there. If anyone is interested in CC specific tips, shoot me an ask.)
Also, if you haven't already, figure out what stages of your projects you need what kind of feedback on. It took me a Real Long Time to figure out I worked best without input of any kind until I had a draft I personally couldn't improve upon further. When working on my original projects, I no longer show anyone anything until things are finished and polished. Then I invite the crit jackals in (I love my crit jackals, proper constructive criticism hurts so good). Fanfiction has been an interesting experience and a reminder of why I work that way: I am really easily influenced to change things based on reviews. I've now got enough experience writing full novels that I can (mostly) sort out "cool ideas" from "cool ideas that actually work in the broader context of this story", but I still find myself tweaking my outline after reviews. In ways that are hopefully good. But back when I was a less confident writer with terrible outlining skills, oh man I wrote myself down unworkable tangents just because "wouldn't it be cool if..."
So yep. In summary: experiment with anxiety relief strategies and self-care that work for you, acknowledge that the anxiety will always be there and that is normal there is nothing wrong with you, use the anxiety as a tool to address whatever your subconscious is trying to tell you about your story (stop and have a Real Talk with your anxieties--are they trying to tell you something, or do you just need to take a quick brain break?), and know that you're already an amazing writer you just need to practice more on original fics and get them out in the world. <3
Also: sometimes you will get to the end of a project and it... Just didn't work. It's unfixable, or would take more time to fix than just moving on to your next project with lessons learned. I see so many newer writers getting stuck on their "dream story". The one they've been editing and re-editing for years. And it's like, honey, you remember that first clay pot you made in kindergarten? That one that's lumpy and leaning to one side and objectively terrible and I'm pretty sure a mouse crawled inside, got lost, and died in it? Your novel is the equivalent of that. Don't try to fix this pot, go practice making more.
#I still have that pot#it is on the windowsill in my office#it is so terrible but I still love it#much like all these old stories No One Can Ever See#writing advice#ask#writing thoughts
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JKSF Jobs
I got asked awhile ago by the lovely @mewithanie if I could write about everyone’s jobs in jksf if it sparked my interest. It did spark my interest, but I couldn’t figure out how to make it into a one-shot or story, so take a tumblr post bullet-style explanation instead!
Read on to find out all about the jobs Patton, Roman, Logan, and Virgil hold in just keep stumbling forward (baby im waiting for you)
tw: suicide (oc), PTSD and trauma (mentioned only), mentions of drugs, alcohol, and school shootings.
Patton
Runs a non-profit
Non-Profit pairs up with schools
Non-Profit is an art therapy center focused on increasing connection within teenagers and allowing them an appropriate outlet for emotional turmoil
Patton’s group generally gets placed on ‘high-risk’ campuses or campuses that have incidents happen at them
‘High-risk’ in this case is defined by higher than normal suicide rates, low attendance rates, high-levels of illegal activity (generally drug and alcohol use), high rate of poor mental health, more than average amounts of cheating, etc
Instances involve things like excessive inappropriate school-wide behavior (ie. all the kids getting drunk and disorderly at a school event) as well as shocking incidents (student death from suicide, overdose, drunk driving, or things such as school shootings)
Some kids come by choice, others are referred through a suspension exchange program
Pretty much, a kid gets suspended but can choose to go to the group’s meetings instead of facing suspension
Kids get referred for suspensions that deal with violence, drug use, alcohol use, excessive absences, and so forth
The idea behind it is that suspended the kid will only negatively impact the kids record and give no reason to change behavior, while the group can help get to the root of the issue and work towards solving/improving that instead
Other kids go by choice bc they’re looking for extra support, a healthy outlet, advice, etc
They have weekly after school meetings (per each district, with one focal school in each one. The program is currently seven districts wide)
They also have lunch drop-ins were you can come make art, chill, get a snack, pet a therapy dog, and other stuff
One of Patton’s first schools was the same school Virgil works at
Patton generally leads the entire non-profit and has delegates to deal with the different districts
He handles the school/district that Virgil is at, though he attempts to go to as many things at the other districts as he can
Does a lot of outside work promoting the program to school and school boards, but is starting to delegate a lot of that work to others so he can focus on the kids instead of the bureaucratic shit
Has had to cut back on individual involvement and delegate more as the work and stress from running an entire non-profit has taken a large toll on his health related to chronic illness
He is Not Happy about this fact, but it’s for his health and he needs it. His spouses help support in any ways that they can.
Roman
Theater Boi
He is a director for a local theater company that is actually not half-bad
Enjoys the heck out of it
Went into college planning to become an actor
And boy does he love acting and the truth is? He was good enough. He could have become an actor.
But somehow he finds it even more magical running everything behind the acting (and so so much more work, god he never realized how much Work This Was)
So he joins a theater company and he slowly works his way up
At first he comes in as assistant choreographer
He’s young and they don’t think much of it, but the show genuinely improves by his individual suggestions and work and wait, who the fuck is this kid and how do we hang onto him?
He makes his way up quite quickly, sliding his way into assistant directly and then co-director and then suddenly the director’s leaving and now he’s the director
It happens fast and it’s very very exciting but he’s also honestly a little overwhelming and he’s never been good at managing large tasks without procrastinating bc executive dysfunction (see this post and this one about Roman and ADHD)
And now he is The Director and an entire production is depending on him. Everything. All of it. And it was what he was looking for but it’s a lot.
The first time he’s on his own, it goes okay
It’s by far not the best the company has done, but it’s also not the worst and the company is pretty supportive of his jump to director and the people who have been there longer help him learn to delegate tasks
And so he tries again, and he does better, and he just continues to get better from there
There’s just one hiccup: the scenographer
Basically the scenographer Does Not Like Roman and it creates Conflict
(In my head I sorta imagine the boss character Joan played when they were playing Thomas as Roman as Joan as the boss character in that one part of “Can LYING Be Good?”)
Luckily, Deceit later takes that position, and him and Roman work way better together and pull off some pretty bomb ass productions
Roman has been asked to join other companies before- specifically travelling companies and work on Specific Productions- which is very cool and very exciting but he decides he’d rather do what he’s doing now bc
a) he enjoys the rhythm of his work. b) larger productions are more stress. c) he doesn’t want to be gone from his spouses. And d) he gets a lot of positivity and meaning out of what he does now and doesn’t see a reason to change that
Every summer he also runs the local chapter of Shakespeare in the park.
He does act in these as well bc it’s completely volunteer based. Deceit also acts in these with him and these two theater dorks have way to much fun together
They may or may not of kidnapped Trixie for one of the productions (with Virgil’s consent of course)
Logan
Logan works for a company that considers themselves as a “research and problem-solving team for the improvement of marine environments”
Basically, Logan researches issues that negatively impact marine life and helps come up solutions to improve or solve these issues
Most of what he does is cycle through data that other researchers collect and figure out what that data means and how it connects
He looks at a lot of abstract numbers and pulls them together to state exactly what the numbers are reporting
From there he brings that research to a board that forms a hypothesis and then comes up with potential solutions
These solutions are often considered very progressive and liberal and as such cause a lot of debate
Solutions range from legal changes (laws reducing companies waste, laws to prevent oil spills, protection laws around certain species/habitats, etc) to inventions (boats that clean the ocean, replication of habits to help support species that can’t live outside of a certain ecosystem, etc)
The company Logan works for has had numerous very successful projects and many of these projects were successful bc of Logan’s involvement
Logan’s spouses are very very proud of this fact
Logan is modest af and brushed it off
Logan’s had quite a few articles published in scientific journals and his findings/theories/work have also made it to national news in the past
Logan himself has actually been asked to present some of his stuff on the news multiple times. He refuses each time and someone else goes in his place.
Does this mean that person gets a lot of credit that should be assigned to Logan? Yes. Does that person feel bad? They do and try to give credit to Logan. Does Logan care? No, no he does not.
Logan could care less about credit, he just cares about marine ecosystems and That’s Literally It
Seriously, people ask him things like “does he understand the ‘political implications’ of his job” or “Are you okay with your team constantly stealing your work” and he’s just like “Fish are cool. Leave me the fuck alone.”
Logan has also done more hands-on experience which has included cool adventures that included scuba diving trips to study coral reef damage, spending days in heavy wetlands, and swimming with sharks
His spouses think that this is the coolest thing and Logan agrees a 1000%
He usually works on research because that’s Where He’s Comfortable, but the occasional planned (it has to be planned) research trip is always exciting
Logan also has so much passion for his job. So much passion. It’s sort of an agreed upon deal in the house that when Logan comes home he will generally Need To Infodump because his job is The Coolest
Because of this, a time period between him getting off work and them eating dinner is designated Logan Infodumping Time
Generally this happens while they cook (because as mentioned a few times, Logan is the best cook)
Even if his spouse aren’t helping w/ dinner, they usually try to stick around and listen because a) Logan is Cute when talking about things he enjoys. b) he talks about interesting stuff. c) even if they don’t find it interesting, Logan’s enthusiasm is infectious and they just Have To Listen
Virgil
Virgil is a high school English teacher
He generally teaches sophomore regular English and junior AP English
Classes can shift slightly depending on the year
Virgil was at first a very distant teacher and didn’t connect with his students
Like his students thought he was a fine teacher bc he wasn’t too strict and didn’t assign a bunch of hw, but no one really liked him either
About his fourth year teaching, a kid at Virgil’s school got suicide baited and ended up taking their own life
It was a Big Deal (and is also how Patton found his way to Virgil’s campus)
After the event, there were lots of discussions and groups at the school, and each teacher talked to their classes
Virgil’s discussion was,, impactful to say the least
He talked to the students frankly about the issue and opened discussion to the topic while making sure to keep it respectful and calling students out on shit while at the same time helping support everyone who was struggling
He ended it with a small speech about self-worth, what it meant, and the struggle to achieve it, especially when everyone around you is pulling you down
It spreads like wildfire throughout the school and suddenly Virgil is a very well-liked teacher because He Gets It, y’know
(to clarify- his student’s do not know about his suicide attempts or personally history regarding his PTSD and experiences, that said, they all know there’s something different about this teacher. Something that makes him understand in a way others don’t)
He also has just this snark that students fall in love with
(One of his class’ learning targets for an entire week was just “We’re going to stick it to The Man. How you ask? Well we’ll find out!”
There was also a situation one year when one of Logan’s articles turned up in a multiple choice quiz and No One, including Virgil knew the answers (Virgil did have the answer key but it Did Not Make Sense)
He had to actually call Logan to figure it out
Turns out, most of them was the quiz maker’s mistake because he was asking questions about “author’s tone” and “author’s purpose” and Logan’s just like,, I didn’t meant to have any tone? I don’t understand tone? My purpose was I like fish? Why are they saying it’s to educate the average person??
(pretty much they analyze Logan’s article from a neurotypical standpoint, which Logan Is Not, so it doesn’t work. Virgil scraps the quiz.)
#ts virgil#ts logan#ts roman#ts patton#sanders sides#ts sides#jksf#just keep stumbling forward#colfanficextras#autistic logan#adhd roman#patton has chronic pain#patton is chronically ill#chronic illness#chronic pain#virgil has ptsd#virgil has trauma#service dogs
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Generations Pt. 7
Previous / Masterlist
Pairing: Bucky Barnes/Winter Soldier x Taya/OC
Warnings: Human experimentation, flashbacks of childbirth
Word Count: 1601
Square Filled: Lost
Summary: The day has come to retrieve the files on Delilah’s creation, everyone hopes they can find answers. Taya may find more than she can handle.
A/N: @star-spangled-bingo @avengerscompound @lillianfromaccounting@patzammit @mumbles411 @until-theend-oftheline @nikkimarie (If you’d like to be tagged just ask)
“Steve? Yeah, we’ll be back tomorrow. I’m fine, the place was almost deserted, I didn’t have to do anything. She’s processing everything. Did they get the doctor caged somewhere? Good. You get the details from Nat? Yeah. I’ll work on the mission report when we get back. How’s Lila? Okay, yeah, bye.”
Bucky hung up the phone and tossed it onto the bed. He pushed his hair back with both hands and sighed. Taya was in the shower, he could hear the water running.
They had made it in and out of the facility where Taya had Delilah easily. Like he told Steve, the place was all but deserted. Thanks to their being ousted from SHIELD many of the HYDRA controlled groups had to relocate. The Avengers had leveled many. This one was not the underground creep factory Bucky remembered from his time. This was a three-story brick structure on the Ukraine/Slovakian border.
“It looks like a fancy hospital,” Nat remarked as they flew over it. Her intel had shown that the place seemed defunct, no people or cars on a regular basis.
“It was supposed to.” Taya sat in one of the quinjet seats. She was looking out the window, but not at the building. “I came here since I was useless as an assassin or spy anymore. You came here to be fixed, be useful again.”
“Landing.” Clint shot a look at Natasha, Taya had weirded him out.
“You don’t have to go in.” She signed.
“This is how horror movies start.” He signed as soon as his hands were free.
“Clint and I will secure the outside. There are maybe four guards, they patrol the whole grounds. If you can get to the roof there’s an access hatch or just go through the front doors.” Natasha shrugged. “They don’t seem that concerned about breaking and entering.”
“Probably means all the files are gone.” Taya stood up and took the gun Natasha offered her.
“Let’s go see.” Bucky looked at her. Taya met his eyes and gave him a small smile.
They had gone in from the roof just in case. They checked the top two floors and they were clear. Empty, to be more exact. There were five rooms on each floor. The rooms were hospital-like except for the steel-reinforced windows and iron doors.
“It’s like a psych ward,” Bucky muttered as he looked at the locks on the second floor.
“My room was on this floor.” Taya looked around. “There were three other girls I remember. I think the top floor were their offices. The ground floor had the exam rooms and testing rooms.”
“Taya?”
“Yeah, no, I’m fine. It’s empty. I sort of liked my room. It was bright and you know, I wasn’t expected to lie and kill people while I was here.” Taya turned with a huff. “Downstairs may be another story.”
Bucky led the way down. The main floor had more security. The rooms here had not only locks but alarms and cameras. Bucky could see panic doors set at intervals along the hallway.
“This looks more like I’m familiar with,” Bucky muttered as he ducked in each open room to clear them. “Seems like they’re in the middle of clearing this floor. Is there a basement?”
“Procedure rooms and parking.” Taya clenched her fist. “Bucky, someone is down there.”
Taya was now keeping it together by a thread. This was the floor she had escaped from. She had been having a post-birth exam when something had happened in the basement. She’d been left alone, the door unlocked. Delilah was in the next room and Taya could hear her fussing. She had known that she would get in trouble but she went to Delilah.
The baby was in a metal crib, there were sensors all over her, there was an IV in her foot. Taya’s heart had dropped. She knew that the baby was an experiment but this was too much to see. She had grabbed Delilah and ran, killing anyone. Most of the staff was in the basement dealing with whatever had happened. Taya took a nurse hostage and with her retinal scan had escaped.
“Taya, get behind me. Your gun is down.” Bucky had pushed past her to the room with a light on.
A pleasant-looking woman was sitting at a desk. She looked up and shook her head.
“Kataya. And you, I know who you are as well. Why would you come here? Everything is gone.” She stood up with a smile.
“Doctor. I want the experiment dossier on my daughter.” Taya swallowed. This was the woman who had delivered Delilah, who had implanted her, who started this whole thing.
“You don’t have a daughter, you stole a weapon. Just like that one over there.” She gestured to Bucky who glowered at her. “You signed up for this Kataya.”
“HYDRA convinced me that I was helping, that the outside world wouldn’t understand and I could never go back after what I did. You said I could be fixed.” A tear rolled down Taya’s cheek.
“You don’t realize what you were a part of. Of all the women you, only you, were able to finish the experiment. You could have created an army to shape the world. We didn’t give you enough stabilizers and your maternal instinct saw it as a child.” The doctor rolled her eyes. “Now, Mummy, what are you going to do when she wakes up one day and has peak strength? Or one of the other many gifts her fathers have?”
“Shut up. She’s a child, she thinks like a child, acts like a child.” Bucky moved closer to Taya as he spoke.
“I’m thinking not. You came for answers, so she must be displaying some abilities. That’s the tricky thing with the super serum, not to mention that X serum. That beauty activates evolutionary advances in the body. Beyond the strength, agility, senses, so on and so on she could have the ability to destroy all she touches. Or teleport across the globe. If you would’ve kept her here, she would’ve been controlled and monitored.” The doctor slammed her hand on the desk.
“Stop it,” Taya whispered.
“Or maybe you came here to ensure the retrieval attempts would stop. Don’t worry, once you took her to these men, we knew getting the two of you back would be useless. You may have their protection now, but you won’t forever. And as the specimen grows and you lose control, maybe you’ll need our help again. I am assuming I am under arrest but I’m sure my colleagues will be seeing you in ten years or so.” The doctor grabbed a file from her desk and gave it to Taya. Then waited to be escorted out.
Now they were in this hotel room. Natasha and Clint had taken care of the doctor but everyone was concerned about Taya’s near-catatonic state. They agreed that she should have some time before going back to Delilah, so they would stay overnight in London and fly home in the morning.
Bucky finally decided to check on Taya, the water had stopped and he didn’t hear any movement. He knocked on the bathroom door.
“Come in.” Her voice was quiet, but at least she was talking. The thousand-yard stare and silence had been disturbing.
“I talked to Steve. Everything’s fine there.” Bucky opened the door to find her sitting on the edge of the bathtub wrapped in a towel. She looked up at him.
“While we were there, I remembered when she came out of me. She wasn’t really crying, she was sort of whining and she looked so lost. Shit, I was lost. One minute I’m an incubator and then she was there. They acted like she was theirs, but I knew she was mine.” Taya stood up and gave a watery chuckle. She moved into the room and grabbed clothes. “I made some fucked up choices, but she wasn’t one.”
“No, she wasn’t. As for being lost, I guess that’s our job isn’t it, help her find her way. And I’m not saying that this is going to be an ideal life. But I am saying that no matter what she was created for, or what you were used for, you make peace with it. You find your way and get un-lost. If you don’t, you’ll go batshit crazy.” Bucky spread his arms in a what can you do gesture.
“An ideal life was never in my game plan. But now I have to worry that Delilah will go to preschool and, I don’t know, levitate the playground equipment.” Taya turned and smiled. She was feeling better now that she was out of that place. It was just a building now. She knew she still had the file to go through but knowing that HYDRA would leave them alone at least was something.
“As long as there aren’t any kids on it, we should be okay.” Bucky crossed his arms over his chest. “I also think when we get back, you could meet that therapist Nat talked to you about. They’ve worked with parents of gifted kids.”
“So you and Steve will be going to?” Taya made a twirling gesture with her finger so Bucky would face away from her.
“What? Oh.” He turned away as she dropped her towel. “Steve and I have our own therapists but family therapy isn’t a bad idea.”
“Okay, turn back.” Taya pulled her hair out from her collar. “So we go from here. Where do we start?”
#starspangledbingo#bucky barnes fanfiction#the winter soldier fanfiction#bucky x oc taya#avengers fanfiction#marvel fanfiction
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Ok i’ve GOT to know 14 and 15 because josh...you have a torment hard-on unlike anyone else i have ever seen...why do you always have one OC who’s like a fucking orphan with a peg leg and almost starved to death as an infant or another one who ended up in the hospital and lost all of their money because their small time drug dealer turned out to be working for the colombian cartel and robbed them blind. josh why
ok tumblr wont let me post all of it but gimme a sec and ill edit this ask
edit:
HHSHDJDKXNXJDJZNSJ WHAT'S FUCKIN LIFE WITHOUT PERILOUS DANGER and inborn trauma and tragedy... i do it to purge myself of my own problems and to give me incentive for research and discovering different walks of life than my own ... you almost hit the nail on the head with lewis though which is the answer to
14. The roughest backstory I’ve given an OC
Lewis was made because the head of this cult wanted lewis to be born... kinda like symbolism for jesus's birth. i don't know all the lore for this cult yet but they're a small commune north of a small town in northern California. They have their own isolated community of two hundred people give or take. Lewis' mom was a teenage runaway and lewis' dad was a simple farm hand in a cruel family who treated him poorly because of mental disability and they had to have lewis because it was ordered of them and there was sorta no way out of it...they had a boy and for some reason the birth of this kid didnt feel right and he didnt feel like... divine enough to be used for ritual practice and the ultimate mission of these cults leaders... which would inevitably be a sacrifice of the boy. haha (: and so theyre like ...try again. so now Lewis was born with a fraternal sister but they only cared about Lewis...his real name is Aloysius for petes sake, he's named after a saint. Lewis isnt particularly singled out as he grows up like he doesn't know he's being especially watched because of some bullshit prophecy that was most definitely made up and no theres no angelic godly energy running through him everyone is just a bunch of freaks. Lewis grows up not knowing his siblings are his biologically because the commune is about group-raising. everyone is a sibling every adult is a parent. he doesn't know his mom is His mom but she watches him extra close and lewis gets an idea that this one women may be his Mom mom even though he doesnt have a strong concept of what that even means. Lewis is abused and neglected like other kids, him more severely by a man called Father Gabriel..we despise him ha ha. he's the most vile evil character i will ever make. Lewis's life is fine, not fine... because he's being raised in a cult... but fine in his eyes because he gets schooling in the small community school, he gets recreation activities..this is where he learns to paint, he does labor a lot but he does love when he gets to garden and pet the animals in their barn, he sings in the church choir. the hardest part about it are his visits with Father Gabriel that occur whenever father wants them to at whatever time of day and the neglect from the Brothers of the church as well. this starts when he's about 7 or 8
he's treated especially poorly and corporal punishment and solitary confinement and withholding of basic needs is a big thing. etc etc. this is a religious cult obviously so that sort of biblical fear is instilled in him. uhhh then for whatever reason i have to iron out the kids are allowed to go to private schools close by, probably as not to seem like a closed off and suspicious cult that draws attention. lewis meets chris at his school (: hehe. lewis still has to go back to the commune every weekend though and thats especially hell because things get worse when he's in middle school. uhh when high school comes around hes actually plucked out of the school system and is going back to living full time in the commune and being homeschooled except he and 5 children are selected to go on a Retreat with father gabriel and two of the Brothers..the retreat is actually just living in an abandoned home in the middle of Nebraska and its one big sacrificial ritual thats lasts a year and the kids are of course neglected, made to do odd rituals, are humiliated. uhh basically its Horror Movie stuff... i wanted it to feel like a horror movie that lewis is trying to escape from. theres no light in the house. they only use candles and daylight. theres limited food. hardly any outside time. the ultimate goal is that they'll eventually get very malnourished and then theyll be sacrificed... a little girl doesnt make it. Lewis is upset because he learned to love her as a sister. he can feel himself getting closer to death.... he has deep lacerations on his leg from abuse and theyre not getting treated and his tissue is dying and his leg is getting gangrene. he escapes one night through the corn field and he tells a man he sees in town to call the police and then flees. he realizes his leg is dying! he by chance meets a doctor! lewis has no money for amputation so he offers something Else and this disgusting doctor accepts!!! lewis is sent off with a bad wooden prosthetic and not enough healing time in bed and no physical therapy and his own supply of pain meds that will soon run out! lewis prostitutes for money and pain meds in mystic overhang!! he gets with very repulsive men that mistreat him! when lewis is touched he gets very pliable and limp as a coping mechanism! he stops the meds and withdrawals! thank you
15. The least painful backstory I’ve given an OC
My least painful backstory HHHSHDHSHS IS TANNER. jesus tanner grew up with a very...here or there father. he's not great at all. he's not the worst. but being around him feels kinda empty and they don't talk about much besides tanner in hockey and other common interests like that. his parents are divorced, he feels lost with his passions and where he's going in life. it all feels a bit aimless and he feels like he's on the Precipice of something bad or losing something he holds dear. like friends and memories and his girlfriend amiyah. his brother is really mean like pretty much abusive..he's 14 and he's narcissist asshole with a fucked up head and he makes his life hell and he's honestly a little frightening. sometimes his mom is unaware of the important things going on in tanners life and she's a bit harebrained and unfairly self absorbed but she is a good lady and he loves her. also we arent sure yet if this is canon material but he gets amiyah pregnant and she miscarries 3 months in SO...yeah there u have it.
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Yugioh S3 Ep22: Mokuba Gets Murdered
So today’s is...a long update, I may half it, but I’m gonna be away from my computer a whole bunch for a few weeks so like...if I half it you’re gonna be waiting on that other half for...kind of a while and by then I may have sort of forgotten what was happening in the first half. So I dunno, maybe I’ll just make this a huge ass...59 cap post.
honestly it’s mostly 59 caps because, surprisingly, no one dueled this episode.
I KNOW.
When I saw that “To be continued” last episode I really thought I’d have to deal with more paper-form BS but Noah finally plopped over at the beginning of this episode so I guess he’s just officially done playing cards now. Everyone has been turned back from being stoneware with absolutely no consequential brain damage. Probably because you could not do any more damage than what has been previously done.
But don’t worry he’ll get some more brain damage in by the end of this episode.
Remember the plot point that Tristan was slowly becoming a real monkey? I think he forgot about that because he’s been a monkey for...a realllllly long time and he kinda like...continues to just be Tristan. Maybe Tristan was nearly a monkey to begin with?
We also get a rare sighting of an actual real deal hug on this show and it was from the last person you’d ever expect.
Surprisingly heartwarming for this show.
If that duel disk goes off, both of them are super dead. Hugging in a duel disk might be the most dangerous sport either of these boys have ever done.
Anyway, because Seto and Mokuba were the first ones to go, they have no idea that any time has passed at all.
He seems pretty OK for Yugi just nonchalantly taking his dragons but this is VR and...the cards aren’t...actually here. So like...Yugi didn’t actually steal anything? No proof, no crime.
To be honest, no one should have any cards in any of their decks right now, but the show kind of forgets that these digital cards need to be drafted each round. It’s fine.
Anyway, in the wake of losing a card game, Noah just remembered that he’s a freakin god of this universe so he decides to just go for plan B, which you would think would be most people’s plan A.
(more under the cut)
Ya Noah could have peaced out at any point in this show, but because he was trying to impress Daddy he just...didn’t?
Not like it mattered because the integral plot device was like “oh yeah guys, I’m in this show, too, completely forgot. Oops, is it too late? It’s already episode 22? Eh, better late than never.”
and don’t be deceived by the cap, it showed like...every millennium item for some reason. You’d think it wouldn't show the rod because Yugi doesn’t have that, but apparently Marik up there on the ship was like “the hell is this going off for?” and then just shrugged it off.
Noah gets...mostly this image of a well waxed Pharaoh while Yugi gets images of Noah’s memories, where he finds out each of Yugi’s friends and Yugi himself were stuffed in little sci fi VR pods. You’d think that they wouldn’t need to access Noah’s memories to realize that. Should’ve been the first thing they realized when they got here. In VR.
Like, think about it, the only other person that got kicked out of here was Pegasus. And to kick out Pegasus it took all of Yugi’s friends except Bakura. Apparently this time all Yugi needs is for Pharaoh to focus (and Bakura to be just...youknow...present, I guess. Assuming the writers haven’t forgotten that Bakura’s still in there)
I think they mostly did this memory exchange as an excuse to give us a review--thing is there’s so much weird stuff to review it feels a lot like exposition. Like I don’t remember seeing these big boys before:
There is just...a lot of design put into this robot you only see like a couple of times. Some concept artist when all ham so I wonder...was this his OC? I’m so glad his weird OC sleepytime bot got into Yugioh. Good for him.
So at this point I kinda turned to my bro and was like “this feels a lot like the Matrix, doesn’t it?” and then in rolls in the bright purple cloud of “you don’t even know.”
I’ll just leave this here.
back to Yugioh.
Yo I kinda forgot in the mayhem that Kaiba’s Dad was clearly here this whole time. I figured we’d run into him, I didn’t really think he’d Castlevania it up in the sky in order to do it.
So this show presents these two brain orb AI monsters as being pretty well...alive...in that Orb because we’ve only heard this explanation from two AI beings who are pretty sure they never died. But, are they alive, really? Did they really transcend to a higher plane like Noah thinks? Or was this a thinly veiled murder/suicide? Did Gozaburo Kaiba kill his son because he could not allow him to be crippled, seeing an opportunity test out this crazy orb AI that needed a human brain in order to function--knowing full well what he was doing? And then later kill himself after losing everything to Seto?
Like, I’ve heard that in the Japanese version, Gozaburo commits suicide and in the English version he does not. But, at least from where I’m sitting...I think he commits suicide in both versions. Like, maybe it’s because I’m an adult watching this and not a child, but it feels like Gozaburo did this in order to set a trap for Seto as his last screw you before he left this mortal plane.
Either way, Noah’s kind of an idiot and so he still has not caught on. What followed was the three very worst Kaiba boys just kind of shouting at eachother for 5-10 minutes but, like, on completely different wavelengths, every single one. The lack of communication between these dumbasses right after Gozaburo drops this horrifying bomb of “and then I killed myself to kill all of you” was actually pretty low key hilarious.
The dub then got very confused as to when Noah died. Really confused, I’m not going to analyze that too much, it’s dub problems. Dubs do that sometimes.
Also, this is a new Noah outfit. Huh. shame we never got to know it.
Anyway, as the truth comes out, suddenly this accidental Kaiba family therapy
sesh everyone else in this High School class is privy to just starts escalating.
OH OK, KID’S SHOW.
Yo, remember how many jokes I made that Kaiba was raised in Outer Heaven? Apparently I was WAY closer than I realized.
And speaking of Metal Gear:
Anyway, remember that random idea that Noah dropped on us to consume the world with VR tech? I knew it would come back, just not quite like this. Not with a nice Power Point slide show via the sky from the Most Evil Mufasa.
And that was how Kaiba’s Dad decided “I was once scorned by a rude 12 year old, lets destroy every human on Earth and extinguish all civilization.”
So basically the entire freakin ocean is just filled with these robots? Just completely polluted with nighty-night bots?
Yo.
So like this whole time we’ve been following Marik, who’s trying to destroy the world, and keeping babysitting tabs on Bakura, who’s trying to destroy the world, but Kaiba just wants to be the best and show everyone else up so he just decided to set in motion the entirety of humanity’s destruction BEFORE THIS SERIES EVER STARTED.
*coughs* I can’t believe Yugioh just did the Matrix better than the Matrix.
Now listen, I know what I said--and I have to tell you, the Matrix was one of my favorite movies when it came out when I was wee middle schooler and watched it secretly at my friend’s house. It was rated R for absolutely no reason, and so I wasn’t supposed to watch it--but I did anyway and it was very thrilling to break the law like that. Keanu Reeves did a middle finger--yes, that was the cuss that put it into R territory--and I was like “wow, he is crazy!”
But, while it’ll always hold a place in my little tween heart, that one did not age well. Mostly because, once it stepped away from the cave allegory you have to start asking questions like “so...how did everyone get trapped in the Matrix?” and it was like “because the robots needed batteries. So like...humans...became batteries...rather than..........actual batteries.” which makes a lot of sense when you’re like a child and you don’t know how batteries work, but as an adult it’s like “...so they’re not very smart robots, then?”
But, Matrix came out about 1999, and because it was super cool, it influenced everything. This show was about 2001, and Kaiba’s wearing a floor length coat--I really think there may have been a bit of an influence?
And I think they may have explained how all humanity would get placed in the Matrix better than that movie series that was like 3 movies and a bunch of video games and a very violent cartoon. And like, the Yugioh explanation is still balls insane, but hey, at least this motive makes sense.
And then, at this point, Mokuba’s Stockholm Syndrome came back, but this time it’s just plain old fashioned Stockholm Syndrome, no weird brainwashing on the part of Noah was necessary to make any of this happen.
Like I really think Moki’s finally snapped. It’s finally snapped. He doesn’t know have any idea what is going on anymore and desperately needs a nap. A nap that will last like 5 days. Moki needs to go to the beach and just...not move for about a straight week to recover from the mess of this tournament.
Most people at this point would be like “yeah I think maybe Noah isn’t trustworthy” but this group of kids--this is the only group of kids that sees a cackling undead digital ghost dude hunched over like this who has already tried to kill them on multiple occasions--straight up just 10 minutes ago--and says “he’s probably much better now.”
Just 10 feet away from them, Marik is desperately trying to finish the arc he started, but keeps running into filler problems. Which is this door.
This X-men door, the most powerful filler villain in the Yugioh universe.
I can’t believe they explained away Marik--super powerful evil villain that bested Bakura--by using one singular door that kept him occupied for like 20 episodes.
Apparently the bedtime bots are equiped with Huge Lasers.
Which kind of defeats the purpose of keeping everyone alive to send them to the VR realm?
But whatever, they have huge lasers, but little do they know, Marik can shoot lasers out of that necklace he stole off Bakura, and he didn’t actually do that and it’s kind of a bummer. Instead he reflects the lasers with the rod. Which then makes you wonder--is that why Bakura didn’t use his laser attack then? Because of the reflection issue?
Sorry I can’t believe I even entertained that idea. Clearly they completely forgot about S1 at this point. It feels like it’s been so many years since things were simple and you could shoot lasers out of your eyeball/necklace.
And then, canonically, Marik gave up on this door. This normal ass door. The only foe he has ever stepped down to.
This door has faced the ultimate evil, it has stared down an actual fallen god born of anger and violence, who, after thousands of years steeped in an abusive tomb, has risen to consume the entire world, but, this door, using all of it’s bolts and joints you can buy at your local Home Depot, sent that fallen god back whence he came. Which was a blimp. Marik came from a blimp.
This door should be the 4th God Card.
(I want y’all to know that I originally wrote “5th” god card and bro corrected me because I literally thought there were 4 this entire time.)
The amount of time that Mokuba was not kidnapped after Yugi and co just saved him? I want to say maybe 10 minutes. He got one hug from Seto, and then went back to the kidnap zone.
Apparently, Noah decided to trap everyone else in their old memories--which is an interesting way to recap what happened in S2. The trap doesn’t trick them very well because these guys are missing a fair amount of memory at this point, so they basically got served a bunch of weird nonsense.
So while those guys are going to go down their very, very short memory lanes, Noah takes Mokuba to the same exact Dave & Busters that Tea and Yugi went on a date to back in like S2. Like this is the same exact one. And what’s nuts is I think they even redid the backgrounds, but definitely used S2 as reference. It’s quite the devotion to detail.
Noah tried to invent some sort of weird mystery doorway but then Mokuba was like “yeah it’s in the game right? Don’t say no, because I am hankering for some arcade time--don’t touch the other stick though, I want to play solo.″ and then Mokuba just proceeded to play this 2 person arcade game by himself while Noah just...watches.
In Dukes memories, Tristan looks the same as Duke’s always perceived him.
There’s just a lot to take in here.
But don’t worry, it gets weirder than three cultists on one small toy monkey, because here comes some romantic development that had absolutely no basis in reality. This is just so freakin weird, get ready for it.
They definitely almost run over Duke and Serenity--Joey’s sister--and Joey does not not seem to have any reaction to nearly running over his little sister on the road, because one second later, this is happening.
And that was how Noah managed to insert his JoeyxMai fanfiction into Joey’s head and tried his damnedest to make it canon. It’s wild. I can’t believe Noah was a shipper this whole time. Like, who else has he been secretly shipping???
Noah had a split second to use his fabulous orb brain to deal with Joey, and while he used actual memories from the other kids, when it came to Joey, he sort of stopped and went “oh yes, my OTP!”
So then, in this split second Noah kinda turned to his pile of Joey fanfic he keeps stashed in the corner of his Orb Brain Consciousness and was like “well I have this really good one I wrote where Mai wasn’t in the coma yet, and there clearly aren’t enough romantic sunsets, and like...what if they were getting married? Oh man I love this AU! This is so good, can’t wait to upload it to his brain, OMG, he’ll love it. What if they were in Hawaii or something!? OMG they’re so freakin cute.”
Like everyone else on this show who has a canon relationship had to go through some type of sweet hell terror memory but Joey--just Joey--got to go on a date or something and then seal his love with a ring. Like we’ve seen many indicators that Noah is a small child but this was probably the biggest indicator we’ve seen of Noah’s maturity level when he was like “this is how relationships work.”
Again, Yugioh just writing your fanfiction for you--did you want an AU where Mai and Joey’s age wasn’t an issue and she also wasn’t in a coma yet and was uncharacteristically like “lets run off and get married?” because usually you’d have to search Google for that content, but now it’s just here and given to you on a silver platter.
At about the same time they were fully convinced none of this was a real memory, they all ended up back here, minus Kaibas. Joey apparently took the longest amount of time although he had the most bizarre set of memories. He probably just wanted to see where that fic would pan out, but like most fic’s, it kinda stopped updating at about chapter 3 so he gave up on it.
Just a few blocks away, Mokuba and Noah’s playdate from Hell is going according to plan, and Noah is just biding his time before snatching a body. But, before he does, I guess Noah did want to see what happens in this arcade game Moki’s playing because he’s just been standing here admiring Mokuba’s work.
Even Noah at this point is surprised at how deeply Mokuba has Stockholm Syndrome. Noah was just not prepared for how low Mokuba’s expectations are regarding his evil and pathological brothers.
Actual line of the show through this whole ironic experience, Noah just saying “wow...I almost feel bad”
Anyway remember that DDR game--that huge screened DDR game where Tea had a dance fight with Johnny Steps during her date with Yugi?
Did you ever think it would, one and half seasons later, become the scene of a horrific crime?
Did you ever think that the crime that would occur on the inane DDR machine that Tea once had a dance fight on against a guy wearing fringe moccasins would later be the scene of a family betrayal where Mokuba got murdered by his own dead secret older brother?
Because I sure didn’t.
Anyway, now equipped with his ultimate form--a very small kid with hair that weighs more than the kid itself, Noah rises from his grave.
I kind of love evil Moki, not going to lie.
Apparently Moki’s evil in Season 0 so I’ll probs have to go back to that season eventually to get more of that evil Moki fix.
I hope this is the type of scene that will end this entire show, TBH, just a crazy ass Moki cackling over the bodies of every other card player. That would be such a good way to end this series.
Anyway, I don't know whennnn the next update will be. I may update on that later--maybe not, but until we meet again, we’ll just leave evil Moki here in this nearly abandoned SeaQuest, laughing his face off over the sweet tunes of some Plantasia.
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#yugioh#yu gi oh#episode recap#photo recap#S3 Ep22#yugi muto#seto kaiba#mokuba#tea gardner#tristan taylor#serenity wheeler#joey wheeler#duke devlin#I can't believe Mokuba's freakin dead#again#Joey considers matrimony and it's not even the weirdest thing that happened this episode#ygo#tw suicide
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Hello and welcome to HD Wrote 3k words of Pain.
ft @invisiquirk hc that Tooru dies at 21.
Also @needlxd and @amplifyingtrace and @rrenao make an appearance bc...OC rights babey
Heroism is a profession that is, by its very nature, fraught with danger. As such, there isn’t a single hero in existence without some scars. Physical or otherwise.
Prism was one of the few that carried hers over from childhood. By the time she experienced her first battle she was already scarred. Already bent and bruised. Already prepared to look into the face of oblivion.
Tooru is the type of person to try to hide their pain. To pretend everything is fine, to focus on everyone but herself. It’s hard to tell if her wounds have begun to heal at all, or if she’s just better at shutting people out.
Izuku likes to believe he knows her well enough to tell the difference. Knows her scars, has traced over them with gentle, careful, fingers, as she has done with his own. The ones not on her skin but within her mind and soul...those are a little more difficult to detect.
He knows some. About as much as she knows about his own. They’re not quite secret, but also not the type of thing one wants to talk about in any sort of detail. The kind that bring everything rushing back in an instant. So he doesn’t know everything, every bruise her mother had left; every nasty, vile word, spoken.
But he supposes he doesn’t need to. Tooru doesn’t need someone to hate Yue Hagakure, she needs someone that loves her. Despite all of the years that she’s been told she’s unlovable, despite all the lies Yue told her about her lack of worth. That she’s loved.
Of course, Izuku Midoriya is not the only one, not by a long shot. Tooru is as well loved as she is kind. He is, however, the only one who knows how much she needs to hear it. How easily she forgets that the world would shatter without her presence.
He’s the only one who bares witness to moments like this. Woken from some unknown nightmare, with shoulders curled forward, away from him; so she won’t wake him. As if rest is more important than this, more important than the quiet sound of her sobs.
“Tooru,” Spoken in a hushed tone. Always careful because loud noises, sudden movements, they can all reopen those unseen scars.
In response there’s a hiccup, a hitch of breath followed by forced even heaves. A rustle of the sheets around them, as Tooru turns towards the source of the voice.
“I didn’t mean to wake you up,” her own voice shakes, sounding oh so tired. And it hurts to wonder how long she had been like that before he had noticed.
“You should. You should wake me, I want to help.” The usual reply to the usual response. It has somehow become a part of their routine. These nightmares. Slowly, hands find hers; weaving their fingers together. He would like, in this moment, to hold her tightly. But that may be too much. “Is this ok?”
“Yes,” The affirmation is just as worn as her initial response. For a few moments they lay like that. Just listening to the sound of each other’s breathing, taking in the warmth of their shared space.
“Why do you stay with someone so broken?” Tooru asks. And she may not be broken but her voice is, clearly still in the mindset of her dream.
“You’re not broken. You’ve never been broken. Just...scarred,” Silence follows Izuku’s words. The kind of silence when she doesn’t want to argue, but doesn’t believe what he said. “I don’t know...what you were dreaming about just now…”
Tooru’s breath hitches and she tenses once more.
“I won’t ask, if you don’t want to talk about it,” The tension bleeds back out, slowly. He traces circles over her palm with the pad of his thumb. “But it wasn’t real. Even if it was a memory. It’s a lie to say you’re broken.”
There is more of that silence, so he simply continues.
“You know me better than that. You know I don’t settle. I’m with you because I want to be. Because, whether or not you believe it, you deserve love. And I'm incredibly, insanely, lucky, that I get to be someone who gives it to you.”
Finally there’s a response, a snort of laughter. Not derisive, not even laced with bitterness; genuine, if somewhat sad at the same time.
“You’re so corny,” Tooru teases, when she’s done laughing.
In place of a retort, he brings her knuckles up to his lips and gives them a small kiss. She can feel his smile against her skin. Feel the nightmare melting away.
“Hey,” Izuku speaks again after a moment “You should call in, we could stay in and watch movies and eat junk. It’s been a while since we’ve had a chill night.”
“I can’t do that, I have work. Lady Hydra depends on me, we don’t have a lot of sidekicks,” What’s unspoken is that she doesn’t want to acknowledge just how much this is affecting her. Doesn’t admit that she’s tired and the idea of doing patrol work after less than an hour of sleep isn’t appealing at all. Nowhere as appealing as sleeping in and spending time with her fiance.
“It will be fine for one day. You have sick days for a reason, someone can cover for you; just this once. Sasaki will understand, she cares about you too, you know,” One of the benefits of working for an underground hero. Or perhaps Lady Hydra was a special case. “Please?”
This is selfish, he knows. Because any day Tooru is not working as a sidekick is experience missed. She prides herself on being reliable; is reliable. But she’s also exhausted and in no state to fight. Likely, it would be fine. It always is. She’s strong and smart and always comes out relatively unscathed.
That doesn’t mean he doesn’t worry. And if there’s one thing Izuku has learned over the years, it’s that sometimes being selfish is the right choice.
“This could be our last chance to hang out for a while, you know,” He adds. And it’s true, what with them both working as heroes and the wedding just around the corner.
“Okay,” Tooru relents, because it does sound like exactly what she needs. Just, a quiet day at home.
…
When Izuku stirs the next morning, it’s not with a start. It’s slowly, deliberately grasping at the dream even after it fades away.
They’ve been tormenting him for months, these ‘could have been’ dreams. He can’t tell if they’re better or worse than the nightmares. Would she really have stayed, had he simply pressed harder? If he had insisted would she still be here? Questions like these were useless, but plagued him anyway.
In the end, things had happened the way they happened. Tooru had gone to work with a smile, Izuku hadn’t stopped her. And the hero Prism was no more.
No more than a dream that gave him a few hours of respite a night.
The buzzing of bedside alarm was no more relentless than the forward motion of time itself, and with a worn sigh he reached over and shut it off; blinking away the lingering wetness in his eyes.
After a dream like that, it would be a good idea to book an appointment with a grief counselor. They could tell him that it wasn’t his fault. That you can’t erase someone’s trauma with affection alone. (He knows that, of course he knows that. But he could have made her stay, made her rest). While he pretends to believe those words. Pretends that guilt isn’t festering inside along with a different, more ugly, feeling.
Izuku had been doing that for months, though, with no results. Therapy didn’t help overnight, he knew that. Was still going for things that had happened to him a decade ago. But this was different. There was something impeding any sort of progress. He couldn’t move past the moment of her death.
Holding her cold, lifeless, hand, in his own.
There were more healthy ways of grieving. His friends insisted on them. Cards with professional’s numbers on them and pamphlets for support groups. They meant well. And they were going through the same loss. Izuku wasn’t so naive as to believe that he was the only one hurting, was the only one she had left behind.
It just seemed like he was the only one unable to move on.
Somewhat reluctantly, he heaves himself out of bed and away from the comfort of the ‘what could have been’ dream and prepares for the day ahead.
…
It’s a coincidence, really, a twist of fate; that the name Hagakure passes his desk. Not Tooru Hagakure, no, there would be no reason for that name to be attached to a recent report of organized crime in Osaka.
No, this was Yue Hagakure. Cold eyes staring back through a photograph.
Funny, he’d tried to imagine this woman many times. Tried to picture the kind of person who would hold such wrath towards her own child. Somehow, she seemed even more evil than he’d assumed.
He wonders if she knows that Tooru is dead. Wonders if she knows that it's her fault. That Tooru was always a little willing to die because of what she had done.
Sick of looking at her, her name and her face, he files the folder away quickly, and moves on to the rest of the paperwork assigned to him. Not exactly glamorous work, but necessary. And informative. As Izuku files away past reports he always skims for details, learning about villains he may one day have to face.
He tries to forget what he had read about shadow manipulation, about the Yakuza branch in Osaka headed by the woman named Hagakure.
Tries to forget how long it would take him to get there from his home in Kyoto by train.
…
Iida is the first one to notice. Perhaps because he knows the feeling of wanting revenge. He sees the storm brewing before Izuku himself does. Because he’s still pretending he didn’t see that file. Ignoring all the ways he could negate shadow manipulation.
Osaka isn’t in the area covered by the Wild Wild Pussycats, anyway. It’s neighboring. The report was just about the spread of Yakuza related activity. It wasn’t a mission. He was just a sidekick.
Revenge was a dangerous path.
Iida takes him out to lunch, just the two of them. They’re friends, certainly. Izuku can even safely say that the engine hero is one of his closest friends. But they usually go out as a group. And Iida never wants to meet up on a day he has patrol, never shirks responsibility.
Izuku pretends not to see the red flags. He does an awful lot of pretending, these days.
“Midoriya,” Iida breaches the topic with an air of formality, despite their familiarity. A nervous tick Izuku knows well, but ignores. Maybe if he continues to pretend everything is fine, it will be. At the very least, he refuses to look up from his menu.
“Why haven’t you gone to the counselor?”
This gets Izuku’s attention, causing him to flinch. Appointments were made through the agency. They wouldn’t know what was discussed, but they would know if he canceled repeatedly. Which he had. Mandalay had probably relayed that detail to Iida. He wouldn’t hold it against her.
“It doesn’t help,” He opts to answer honestly. “I went a couple times, it didn’t help.
Iida frowns at the pitiful excuse for a reason, gently taking the menu from his friend’s hands and setting it down. “This kind of thing takes time. Itou still going.”
That made sense. The ex-villain was closer to Tooru than anyone. No one ever really talked about it, but Kitiara had been saved by Tooru. They were sisters, if not by blood. And if anyone knew the hole her loss had left, it would be her.
Izuku hadn’t seen her since the funeral. Not that that was her fault, he was avoiding her. Avoiding seeing that emptiness reflected back.
“I’m dealing, in my own way.” Izuku says, uncomfortable with the concerned stare of his long time friend.
“I hear there’s been a rise in Yakuza activity near Kyoto. In Osaka.” Iida says, his expression clearly stating that he sees right through the core of Izuku’s darkest thoughts.
“Yeah, I suppose so. I don’t see a lot of action, as a sidekick.” Izuku tries, in vain, to keep the conversation casual.
“Revenge won’t help.” Iida moves straight to the point.
“I know,” Izuku replies. Because he does know. But it’s getting difficult to ignore how badly he wants to make Yue Hagakure pay. At least the criminals behind Tooru’s death had already been put away. Lady Hydra had made sure of that.
Iida looks unconvinced. “I learned that lesson back at UA, you saw what happened.”
“I know. I did.” Izuku winces, trying not to look at the scar on the back of Iida’s hand. “You’re right. And I….I’m not going to do anything stupid.”
…
The next, almost as if on cue, is Todoroki. Whereas Iida has been in Izuku’s place, he has been in Tooru’s place. Has scars from the hands that were supposed to raise him gently. Had been molded into a weapon for his father’s use.
Unlike Iida, he doesn’t take no for an answer. Tells Izuku where to meet him.
Somehow, he ends up staring at the name Hagakure once more. Tooru Hagakure, engraved in stone. Early spring frost causes the grass to crunch under their feet, and Todoroki says nothing; allows Izuku to grieve in silence.
He’s not sure how long they spend there. Long enough that he can no longer feel his fingers or the tips of his ears. He’s not even sure he’s had a single thought, the entire time. Brain filled with static as he stares at the marker. Surrounded, as always, by fresh flowers.
The ice and fire user waits until they’re ready to leave to speak.
“I’ve thought about it,” Todoroki says, voice impassive “Taking down my old man for the shit he pulled.”
Izuku’s not sure how to react to this confession, looking at the unreadable expression that follows it with concern and confusion. Todoroki, in turn, looks at Tooru’s grave.
“Sometimes our demons get the best of us. When that happens...we don’t hurt only ourselves, but everyone around us. That’s why I didn’t do it. Not because he deserves forgiveness, but because I wouldn’t really be hurting him.”
Izuku swallows hard, mouth suddenly dry at the double meaning to his words.
Todoroki looks, much like Iida, directly through him when he continues. “Don’t do anything stupid, Midoriya.”
…
Predictably, the one who is able to crack through his walls, in the end, is Leia. As it so often has been since they were children.
It takes little more than her plaintive voice over the phone, telling him to get some rest.
“You haven’t taken any time off since it happened,” Leia says, in the somewhat firm (but still, oh so gentle) tone that she reserves for when either he, or Katsuki, are being particularly stubborn. “You’re going to get burnt out.”
Revenge won’t help.
Don’t do anything stupid.
“Take some time, process things. Get some rest. Please, Izuchan, i’m...worried about you. I haven’t seen you this tired since highschool.”
And she’s right. He still had nightmares, to be sure, but hadn’t outright neglected self care for years. He slept, plenty, though. It was the only time he was able to be with Tooru again.
But he’d also been working more hours than necessary. If he worked all day and slept all night he didn’t have to be alone with his thoughts. That had always been a problem for him. He’d just forgotten for a while, because for a while he wasn’t alone even when he was alone.
“I miss her.” Izuku admits for the first time out loud in a long while. “I miss her so much I...Tooru deserved better. She deserved a long, happy life. She shouldn’t have died it’s not fair.”
And he’s aware that he sounds like a child, whining about how it's not fair. But it truly wasn’t. Tooru had already been robbed of her childhood, and now she had been robbed of her future as well. She deserved so much more. A light like that shouldn’t be gone. Not when the awful woman who had hurt her still walked free.
It’s in that moment, with Leia’s words of comfort floating through the speaker of the phone, that Izuku realizes what he’s missing. Why he’s been stuck.
Closure.
…
Even if he’d tried, he didn’t forget. Didn’t forget that file on Osaka. It hadn’t contained her exact location, of course. If the police knew that, they would have brought her in already. But Izuku was smart, and he’d plenty of time on his hands; since he’d finally decided to use his time off.
Mandalay was thrilled enough that he seemed to finally be mourning in a somewhat healthy way, that she had granted the leave request without question.
From there, it was just a matter of following the trail. Yue Hagakure wasn’t as much of a ghost as she’d like to think.
…
Deku isn’t sure that Yue is surprised to see him. He doesn’t even know for sure if she knows who he is. Or, at the least, who he was to Tooru.
And he doesn’t really care. The less he has to listen to Yue Hagakure, the better. Doesn’t care what words she uses to defend herself, if any.
Instead, he focuses on what needs to be done.
Closure.
…
The battle is hard fought, and hard won. Yue, even without the use of her quirk (he’d made sure, before cornering her, that there would be no shadows to manipulate) is a skilled fighter; and not one to give up easily.
But she underestimates him. The hero without a quirk. And that, ultimately, is her downfall.
With her face in the dirt she continues to antagonize. The words she speaks foul and acidic. Towards him. Towards Tooru.
So she did know, after all, the reason why he, specifically, was here. He thinks about all the satisfying ways to shut her up.
…
When the police are called in Yue Hagakure is restrained and injured, but very much alive. Albeit with a somewhat spiteful gag, preventing any more vile insults.
Later, when Izuku is commended on his restraint; he doesn’t mention the fact that he’s still shaking with the urge to end her life when she’s taken away.
…
Yue Hagakure doesn’t exactly look the picture of regret, even in her holding cell. Pissed, certainly, but seemingly confident that she won’t be in there for long.
She has no idea, the enemy she made. Enemies, plural, because Izuku isn’t even close to the only person who wants her to suffer for what she did to Tooru.
Just because revenge was off the table doesn’t mean that she would get away with everything.
“You can escape. But I’ll find you again.” He says, voice startlingly calm even to himself. “And again. And again. And again.”
“I will do whatever it takes to make sure you rot in here like you deserve.”
Tooru wouldn’t get what she deserved, the happy life, the peace. There was nothing he could do about that now. But Yue Hagakure would get all she deserved, that much was certain.
#invisiquirk#amplifyingtrace#needlxd#rrenao#;;out of character#v;;my deku means you can do it (pro hero)#so uhhh basically this is how it goes down in main verse#Izuku still goes off the rails a bit but uh less murdery#tw;;death#tw;;child abuse#tw;;recovery
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when all daisies disappear🌼 || chapter 1
• masterlist
• Pairing: taehyung x OC (mental hospital au)
• Genre: angst, fluff, eventual smut, romance
• Word count: 2.6k
• Warning: swearing, will contain themes such as suicidal thoughts, depression and mentions of physical violence. Some of the backstory for Taehyung’s character is taken from the BTS concepts during the hyyh era. if you feel uncomfortable with the topic of mental illness, I advise you not to read further.
•••
chapter 1 ➸ 0 🌼
"It's healthy to reminisce about the past, Jia. It's damaging to live in it." I snapped out of my thoughts to hear my therapist's final sentence after a long speech that analysed my overthinking mentality again.
There I was, sitting right there, right in that chair, thinking to myself for the thousandth time...How did I manage to get myself stuck in here? All these people, therapists, medicine to make me feel 'better'. Sometimes, I feel like I want to be here. But I know that's mainly because I'm too scared to get out, back to people, so I end up acting out of fear, pushing people away. But I could never admit that to someone. Admit it to any therapist or any other patient because that's too weak. People can't feel better with the passage of time, waiting for a change to fall onto their heads from the sky. They can only outgrow their old selves and move on. But that's hard work. And no one really knows how to do that.
Truly getting better and moving on are two different things. They come along with each other, one after the other. So, all this doesn't matter. I could talk about this for hours and it still wouldn't do anything. All I can expect is to get sedated, shut down and forced to have a social interaction when all I want is a true rest. A rest without oversensitive roommates and the forced idea of becoming a "stable person". So why would I play nice?
"I'm not living in the past. I'm resting from it." I said, sighing at the clichè saying he spoke so wisely about. "But when you think about it too much and remember all the hurt, then you do live in it. Regardless of what you say." He spoke as I couldn't really listen anymore. "I want to go to my room." I cut him off before he could say anything and sighed. "We can't avoid the problem like thi-" He tried to speak but I cut him off again. "Please." I spoke, which was something I rarely said, to anyone.
"Alright. I'm going to let you off talk sessions for a few days, only if you need you can come-" He exhaled in a calm tone. "What is it now?" I cut him off, knowing there was something about to happen I'm not going to like so he could analyse me again about it in a few days. He always let me of the hook the easy way when he had his sessions planned for me. I've always thought he was doing that on purpose, regardless of what excuses he would make. He sighed and answered. "You're getting a new roommate today." He said, which made me sigh and roll my eyes. "I want to see if you're going to get along considering your previous roommates." Even though it annoyed me, I realised that was a very acceptable thing to hear from him. At our ward, most people go through one or two roommates during their stay. Not exactly the same with me. I went through 17 roommates since the beginning of the year. When I'm bored next time I should add it all up over the years. Who knows, there might be some sort of a reward for such a high score like that. All of those people wanted to switch to another roommate because of me. I never asked for another roommate. The nurses just kept setting me with them, not wanting me to have a room for myself, thinking that would make me more messed up about human interactions. I scared most of them away by joking quite aggressively, turning those jokes into insults most of the time. I was warned many times but because I’ve been here for a long time, they don't want to switch me to another hospital. That wouldn't help anyone. To say I've been staying here for a while is a big understatement. I've been in here before I even became a teen. I even got my first period in this ward. I lived through the beginning of my teens here, bringing us to now, almost at the end of my teens wondering why do I feel the same I did when I was a kid.
All these roommates spoke the same, describing me as this huge, dramatic bite they couldn't keep up with. Seeing their cried out or frustrated faces somehow made my life fun in here. Only fun for me though. I got up and left the room, without speaking. He knew that I was going to go to the reception desk just to complain about my brand new freshly fucked up roommate, like I always did. I walked down the hallway, pulling down my sleeves of my favourite brown cardigan. Jiyu noticed me on the way and walked with me. "Why me? Why again-" I tried to speak to my favourite nurse but she cut me off. "We talked about that a thousand times, Ji." She spoke, focused on some of the papers she held in her hands. "But-" I tried to speak but she cut me off again, in a busy tone. "The support group is about to start. They're all waiting for you." She said, making me roll my eyes.
"Don't scare him off immediately. He seems very nice." Jiyu said. She is the main nurse in our ward. She was always nice to me, but always told nice things about all my previous roommates so I really couldn't judge her perception to be somewhat realistic. Regardless of that, she's basically always been the only person that could make me smile just by seeing her.
"Ugh, It's a boy this time?" I asked and grunted. "Yes. He's very handsome." She giggled. "Jiyu! Don't make your husband jealous, complementing all these young boys in the pinnacle of their youth-." I joked, overreacting. "Shhh, hurry, they're all gathered together." She chuckled and I quickened my steps. I walked towards the interaction room we had for support groups, musical and art therapy. The chairs and two couches were put in a circle that had sitting 15 people without my presence. That is my group. Group A. Ages 18-21, me being one of the seniors, yet acting worst than the younger ones. 14 patients, all roommates, divided into our light green rooms in that long hallway on the left side. Some roommates get really close, like some two similarly fucked up friends, purely by luck of similarities they might find within each other. 14 fucked up people and of course, Sejun , also kind of fucked up, a psychologist that organized these groups and did art therapies.
"Hi Jia." Sejun and the others said. I saw an empty place on the two seated couch with my new roommate. It was a boy. Like an actual boy. He looked pretty young and had a childlike face because of his big eyes and plump lips. But his body was not of a teenage boy, yet a young man with large hands. I observed him for a second before sitting down. Usually, these roommates would look quite hopeful when seeing a potential "friend" or seem fucked up just because they were fucked up. It would make me pity them even more, such a pathetic sight. But this guy's first time meeting me facial expression was non existant. He looked at me the unusualy casual way, like he's meeting me for the second or third or a billionth time already. He didn't smile, he just glanced at me like that, making me wonder a little bit.
"Jia, meet Taehyung. He chose to be your roommate for the next month." Sejun said with the enthusiastic look on his face. The word chose stuck with me. For a brief second I felt sorry for the poor bastard because he probably doesn't know what he's in for.
"Yeah, a month." I quietly spoke in a sarcastic tone. I awkwardly sat next to him as he looked down, focused on something else. "So, Taehyung, we are glad to have you here and I hope this will help you in your further recovery. You won't get judged here so say anything that's on your mind." Sejun spoke carefully, trying to give off the casual tone. I rolled my eyes at the choice of the approach towards opening up. Sejun noticed but decided to ignore me. "Why don't you say something about yourself?" Sejun spoke. I crossed my arms and looked at Taehyung, slightly judging and analysing his moves and words. "Uhm, my name is Kim Taehyung. I switched from a different mental instituion that was in Seoul too, I'm-" He spoke in his presumably natural deep voice. "Why the switch?" I cut him off.
"Jia, don't interrupt and don't force people to answer questions they wouldn't be comfortable with-" Sejun said in a warning tone but Taehyung immediately spoke back, acting out a playful gesture. The switch of moods made me confused about him. Is he playing a character the entire time or is he actually real? "It's okay. Uhm, I've been there for a full year, but didn't like it because the ward we had was only ages 25 and me being the exception, I didn't really fit in there. They also thought I'd be a good idea to redirect me somewhere with people my age." He spoke, some words stumbling through the air. "I'm here because...uhm.." He tried to speak but he looked down, nervously tapping his foot, furrowing his eyebrows a little bit. "If you don't feel comfortable, you don't have to say it." Sejun spoke with compassion in his eyes.
"I'd rather keep that to myself for now, sorry." Taehyung said and looked back up, making his ears perk through his hair. "That’s perfectly fine for us. Are you into music or art?" He asked him curiously. "Both, actually." He said in a serious tone and licked his lips. “That’s wonderful. I hope you’re going to enjoy our schedule then.” Sejun’s voice screamed enthusiasm but Taehyung only coldly nodded. I stared at him in pure curiosity. Immediately there was something enigmatic about him. He carried a weird aura with him, something that came off quite unexplained. Sejun started talking individually with every patient while everyone carefully listened. It was my turn to speak about if anything new had happened in my life over the last week since our last session.
"Anything interesting happened?" Sejun asked in a suspicious tone, wanting to get a confession from me. "Nope." I brushed it off playfully, aiming for it to be rude. "Nothing? Not even something you regret or feel bad about?" He asked again, judging me with his gaze. "Never." I rudely said, scratching the back of my neck. "What are you looking at?" I asked, looked to my left where Minjee was. She was the incident Sejun was trying to touch upon. "Please Jia, don't be rude." Sejun tried to remain things calm. Minjee looked at me in a scared yet numbing gaze. I caught eye contact with Taehyung a few times, who was just blankly observing the situation. "Are you going to apologize for what you've done?" Sejun asked in a polite tone. "For what?" I asked, not being too bothered. "For stealing her ear muffs. Then letting worms creep upon her bare ears. Then for putting the ear puffs over your head, and making her reach it." He added in a shocked tone.
I chuckled and rolled my eyes in annoyance as other people comforted Minjee who was almost crying. She was known for that. Her ear muffs. She always wore them as a result of a trauma that happened to her a few years back. She passed out in a forest and woke up with worms and bugs crawling on her face and some entering her ears. One of our youngest and most famous PTSD patients, with such a hilariously disgusting experience. "You should hear yourself how ridiculous that sounds." I said in a provoking tone. "Are we children in the 2nd grade to apologize for such things?" I mocked. After a few moments of silence, before Sejun opened his mouth to speak, a voice filled the room. "Are you that childish to do such a thing, then?" Taehyung softly spoke, immediately leaving me in wonder and slight shock. He caught eye contact with me as everyone intensely stared at him, including Sejun.
"Let me ask you something Taekyun." I spoke, provocating the moment to the fullest extent. "It's Taehyung." He quietly corrected. "Huh." I scoffed. "Have you heard anything about me before getting here?" I asked in a cold tone. Sejun started to get nervous. "Some things here and there. They told me your past roommates described you as troubled." He spoke in an playful and unbothered way. "You heard that before or after choosing?" I provocatively asked. "Before." He spoke easily. "You're so fucki-" I tried to insult but Sejun stopped me before I could swear or say anything bad. I responded a few seconds later with a judging look towards Taehyung and Sejun. Taehyung shrugged his shoulders and spoke again. "I mean, how bad can you be?" He asked a retorical question in a positive reassurement. "Well, we're gonna find that out soon, right?" I chuckled in disbelief at how he thought it would be easy with me. I coldly turned around, ignoring his stare. The alarm clock rang as soon as I finished my retorical question.
I immediately stood up and quietly got scolded for not apologizing to Minjee. I annoyingly nodded and went past him, meeting Jiyu in the hallway. "He's cute, right?" She immediately asked. "You know I'm not going to agree on that." I scoffed. "Why?" She asked, this time annoyed too. "He's annoying me." I spoke back, crossing my arms. I saw Jiyu straightening her posture all of a sudden. "Would you like to show Taehyung around?" Jiyu showed her beautiful white smile, raising her voice a bit, switching the tone completely. I sensed Taehyung was near so I turned around and saw him waving at Jiyu. "Ugh." I groaned. He approached us, his hands behind his back. "I'd love it if you could show me around. " He said in a bright tone.
"C'mon." Jiyu winked unnoticabley, walking away. "Let's make it quick." I said and started walking down the hall. I showed him around the parts he hadn't seen yet. I showed the washroom, toilets and receptions for receiving the medicine. I showed him the cafeteria and explained the gross foods they keep on serving. I showed him the remains of the interaction room that had a ping pong table, a TV and canvases and tables on the other corner, where our art therapy is. He kept quiet the entire time, observing all the rooms. "This shithole tour ends here, for any further confused questions, which I'm sure there'll be plenty of, ask Jiyu, I don't care." I spoke and opened the door to our room, where his two bags were brought. He observed the room, looking up and down. My side of the room was the right side, close to the door. The walls on my side had my drawings and paintings stuck on, giving some life to the emotionless light green room.
Who is this foolish boy? Does a man like this even exist? Is this just a character play or is he actually real? How can I man that I know for such a little while, being that foolish, make me so intrigued? I feel frustrated by him already. More frustrated to the fact that hate doesn't feel like this.
part 2
#bts#bts v#kim taehyung#kim taehyung fluff#bts angst#bts reactions#bts v smut#kim taehyung angst#kim taehyung fanfiction#kim taehyung smut#bangtansonyeondan#bts au fanfic#bts jhope#bts fic#bts jimin#bts suga#bts v angst#bts v fluff#kpop#taehyung#bts fluff#bts aus#bts jin#bts jungkook#bts kim taehyung#bts v fanfic
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Any stucky classics I can read. I am new to the fandom n all.
Hi nonnie! Welcome to the greatest fandom on earth. 😉 And thanks for writing in!
I sure do have some fic recs for you. Not sure what your jam is, so I’m gonna list out a couple of my favorites and you can go to town. Also, check out my fic recs tag!
Classic Stucky Fic Recs under the cut! And also, you should definitely check out the Influential Fics for New Readers post over at @thestuckylibrary.
to memory now I can’t recall by Etharei
Rating: Explicit | Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Additional Tags: Time Travel, World War II, Memory Loss, Time Loop, Alien Technology, Identity Porn
Summary: While on a mission storming a HYDRA facility, James Buchanan Barnes touches one of the many strange alien devices collected by the Red Skull. He does this, in fact, twice— in the past, and in the future.
Next thing he knows, Bucky Barnes is opening his eyes in the 21st century, which is full of great gadgets and coffee, and at least includes his old pal Steve. (And, inexplicably, a different Stark.) Meanwhile, the Winter Soldier finds himself in the middle of World War Two, helping Captain America hunt down HYDRA (which is at least familiar), pretending to be Bucky Barnes (which is not), and figuring out the very noisy group of soldiers who call themselves the Howling Commandos.
Comments: This is my one of my absolute favorite longfics in this fandom. It has everything: recovering!Bucky, time travel, tragic comparisons of Bucky’s past and current self, somewhat of a twist on outsider POV (in a weird way), and it is beautifully written and plotted.
This, You Protect by owlet
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences | Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Additional Tags: Humor, I hope humor anyway, cursing, Protection, Strong feelings about coffee, slightly off-canon, Steve is sassy, sam is sassy, Bucky is sassy, Everyone has their sassy pants on, just accept that grilled cheese is the perfect food, old people are Team Bucky
Summary: The mission resets abruptly, from objective: kill to objective: protect
Comments: This is typically most people’s entry for the “if you read one fic from this fandom” contest. Funny, clever, sweet, and a totally unique take on Bucky’s post-TWS mindset. Great fun and great sequels.
Ain’t No Grave (Can Keep My Body Down) by spitandvinegar
Rating: Mature | Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Additional Tags: Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Drug Abuse, Homelessness, Jewish Bucky Barnes, Catholic Steve Rogers, Religious Imagery & Symbolism, Artist Steve Rogers, Identity Issues, POV Alternating, Not Avengers: Age of Ultron (Movie) Compliant, because I am a desert pony that runs as wild and free as the wind, Period Typical Attitudes, Masturbation, Past Peggy Carter/Steve Rogers, original kid characters, a coupla goddamn kids, Pinkberry, Past Rape/Non-con
Summary: It’s six in the morning, and Steve is heading out on a run when he nearly trips over a bouquet of sunflowers on the front steps of his brownstone.
For a second paranoia takes over, and he kicks the flowers a little, waiting for them to explode. They don’t. They also came with a card, which he picks up. The front of the card has a tasteful picture of the Brooklyn bridge at sunset. It’s very nice and sedate, like the kind of card you would buy to give to your boss. On the inside someone has written a short message in big, shaky block letters.
I AM SORRY FOR SHOOTING YOU.
Steve sits down hard on the steps.
Comments: A really inventive take on Recovering!Bucky, with a super rich backstory and a daring characterization.
4 Minute Window by Speranza (@cesperanza)
Rating: Explicit | Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Additional Tags: Surveillance, It’s Like Grand Central Station In Here, Brooklyn Boys, Power Couple, People Are Sick of Conceptual Art
Summary: “Look, if they catch me,” Bucky muttered, “they’re either going to kill me or they’re going to put me in a box with a little window and—Steve, I can’t.”
Comments: Okay, so if you don’t know @cesperanza, you are in for a treat. Her characterization of Bucky is one of my absolute favorites - he is competent and cool, and she writes him and everything he does so convincingly. That’s the hallmark of a speranza fic: you believe every word of it, and it always feels real. It’s a totally immersive story that continues out into a delightful series. Honestly, you should read everything that speranza has written for this fandom - especially 20th Century Limited.
Silent thunder, as of a thousand wings by kaasknot (@kaasknot)
Rating: Mature | Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Additional Tags: Alternate Universe - Angels, angel!bucky, Religious Imagery, (Now with bonus sacrilege), Angst, Pining, Consent Issues, Agency issues, Gore typical of wartime, Period-Typical Ableism, Racism and racial slurs, PTSD, Flashbacks, Period-typical ignorance of PTSD, attempted suicide, Here there be Google translations, Bucky Barnes is a dirty liar, Steve is a chihuahua with aggression issues, thor is not an idiot, Everyone’s a grade-A potty mouth, Torture
Summary: A theologian once said that angels are constructs of love and holy rage, and chained to obedience through both. Or maybe a theologian hadn’t said that. Maybe it was the Bright One himself, or just Uriel being grumpy.
But Bucky knows that he loves Steve, and he loves his taskmaster of a boss even as he gripes about him over beers after work, and he loves the dames with their red, red lips and smooth, soft curves (and he loves the guys, loves their strength and the tall, proud lines of them), and he loves old Mrs. Greene even when her rheumatism acts up and she turns mean as a wet cat. But he loves Steve most of all, and if Bucky is shackled to mindless obedience because of it, he calls it a good trade, because Steven Grant Rogers is the best person he knows. When it comes down to it, he figures his desire only adds a new dimension to a love that was already there, glowing hot enough to burn.
He was sent to Earth in a cage of mortal flesh to watch over Steve, and Bucky can do no less than love him with all his heart.
Comments: A great, creative alternative universe story that that takes a difficult premise and executed it perfectly. The changes made to canon are so smart and it maintains the urgency and emotion and tragedy of canon while transforming it completely. And the OCs are amazing.
i need a forest fire by tomorrowsrain
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences | Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Additional Tags: Road Trip, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Hurt/Comfort, Angst, Reconciliation, Recovery, Past Torture, Fugitives, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Deaf Clint Barton, Fix-It, Jewish Bucky Barnes, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, On the Run, Developing Friendship, Healing, Past Brainwashing, Talking, some humor hopefully, Character Study
Summary: "The past beats inside me like a second heart. These fragments I have shored against my ruins."
In which Tony Stark makes a reckless decision, becomes a wanted fugitive, goes on the run with the former Winter Soldier, and learns how to forgive. For his part, Bucky Barnes is just trying to hold himself together. AU, post-Civil War.
(sequel of sorts to après nous le déluge, but can be read alone)
Comments: Love, love, love this story because it’s got Stucky AND Tony & Bucky friendship as well as a really smart characterization of Steve and Bucky.
The Crucible by Dreadnought (@dreadnought-dear-captain)
Rating: Explicit | Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Additional Tags: Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Psychological Trauma, Brainwashing, Teamwork, Science, Bucky Barnes-centric, Hurt/Comfort, Psychological Torture, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sexual Tension, Internalized Homophobia, Bad Parenting, Intergenerational Trauma, Suicidal Thoughts, Violence, Past Bucky Barnes/Various Female Characters, Sexual Content, Medical Torture, Psychology, POV Bucky Barnes, Hydra (Marvel), Emotional Roller Coaster, Stockholm Syndrome, Introspection, Unreliable Narrator, Trust Issues, Lots and lots of psychotherapy, Homophobic Language, Period-Typical Homophobia, Heavy Angst, Vomiting, Gaslighting, Anxiety, Depression, Recovery, Character Study, Explicit Sexual Content, Slow Build, Friends to Lovers, Psychologists & Psychiatrists, parasuicidal behavior, Therapy, therapy fic
Summary: Therapy's a bitch, but PTSD is worse. An in-depth character study of Bucky Barnes as he reconciles his years with Hydra in the wake of Civil War.
------
I don’t really know who I am. I do know that James Buchanan Barnes is dead. He’s a pile of bones at the bottom of a ravine. He’s a side bar in some other guy’s museum exhibit that might not even exist anymore. James Barnes would puke if he could see what he became. His parents and sister and friends would cry.
I don’t know what’s left over now, but I know it’s not good. And I don’t think it can ever be good.
Comments: This is the therapy fic. Dreadnought knows his stuff like nobody else and it hurts and it’s so good. You should definitely read this and then jump into his other fic, a WIP called Baghdad Waltz which will tear your heart out like nobody’s business. It’s a modern military AU, and 100% the best one ever written for this fandom.
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More young Artemisia! It’s a sort of continuation from this story, focusing more on Artemisia and her family coming into the FFXV story. Just a heads up, SBM and other stories probably won’t be on a regular schedule like it was before. I just don’t have enough free time to get a whole chapter done in a week. When I do have a story or chapter done I’ll post it on Fridays. I hope you enjoy this and all future installments, regardless!
Tagging: @insomniasix @theyearofdiamonddogs @zoeyredbird1 @seal-pai @ffxv-ocs-unite
The Future Belongs to the Curious
It had been several months since Artemisia officially met Noctis. Those months had been enough for the two to become the best of friends, though that wasn’t surprising considering their first meeting. Artemisia would go to work with her mother as often as possible just to visit her new friend. Often enough that her father childishly complained about he doesn’t get to see her as much now and that he should still be the most important guy in her life. Her quiet stare didn’t help his overly emotional response. Maybe it was the flu medicine he was on.
She would visit Noctis when she could after school, usually walking there herself straight from school or asking her father to drop her off later -- either way, her father wasn’t happy and made his displeasure very vocal. Artemisia’s mother had to remind him that the boy he was complaining about happened to be the prince. His only response was that if Artemisia didn’t care about nobility then neither did he.
That went out the door when Artemisia told him that Noctis liked one of the books he wrote.
Regardless, her time at the Citadel had earned her not only the friendship of Noctis, but some of the other residents as well. Most of the staff knew Artemisia now and their first response is usually to take her to wherever Noctis may be. Sometimes she would run into Ismene or Clarus, who would both greet her with gentle smiles and gestures. Ismene would usually stay with her and Noctis for a time when they would spend time together. Artemisia could tell that she was trying to see if there was any signs of improvement in Noctis’ condition during those moments of childish happiness and carefree attitudes.
Unfortunately, positive attitudes can’t fix everything. For months, the doctors and nurses tried every form of physical therapy and medication to help the young prince regain his legs. No matter what they did or used, he was never able to move or feel his paralyzed limbs. Failure after failure, everyone was noticing that it was starting to have an affect on the prince emotionally too. Artemisia’s presence helped for a time, but the frustration and hopelessness was taking a toll on his psyche. He was sleeping more, even without the aid of pain medicine, and becoming more closed off.
King Regis, seeing how miserable his son was and fearing the worst, made the decision to travel to Tenebrae with Noctis. There, they would seek the healing powers of the Oracle. It was seen as a last resort. Tenebrae and Insomnia were close allies, what with the history of the Oracle and Lucian kings, but Tenebrae was also far away. And with Niflheim becoming bolder each day as they grow and conquer, to say that everyone was worried about their safety would be an understatement. But this was the only chance they had left.
Artemisia ran towards the Citadel as fast as her short legs could go. Noctis had told her about them leaving for Tenebrae the other day and she wanted to see him before they left. She had brought her backpack filled with miscellaneous things to entertain themselves with. She knew that Noctis had tons of things that they could play with -- he was a prince after all -- but he always seemed to enjoy using her stuff more. Something new that isn’t royalty related, she supposed.
She hopped up the stairs to the royal palace and tried opened the hulking, engraved doors. She was greeted by two guards who helped her inside, opening the doors for her. She gave a nod in thanks to them before jogging past them to the elevator, ignoring their directions to where her mother was at moment.
She pressed the button for the floor where Noctis’ room was, waving at the two confused guards as the door closed. Noctis and the king were leaving for Tenebrae in three days. She couldn’t waste any time.
The elevator dinged as the doors opened to her floor. Artemisia skipped out of the elevator and down the hall to Noctis’ room. She gave a warning knock before opening the door just enough to peak through. Noctis wasn’t in his bed, his usual spot as of late. She opened the door all the way, looking around the room to see he was completely absent. His wheelchair was gone too. Perhaps he was somewhere else in the palace?
Artemisia wandered around looking for her friend, looking in all the area’s he might be in. He wasn’t in his room. He wasn’t in the garden. He wasn’t in the study. Artemisia even looked in the palace library as a last resort. Noctis didn’t usually go to the library on his own accord, but there’s been a few times that she’s found him in there with an older looking boy with glasses. He would usually complain about the whole experience afterwards.
She started looking in the more obscure and unfamiliar parts of the Citadel in hopes of finding him. The palace was huge, with so many floors and twisting hallways, and Noctis usually only stuck to a few places in the whole building so her knowledge of the whole layout was limited. She found herself in a darker hallway with a bunch of closed that had plates of people’s names next to the doors. She stopped when she read the name of someone she recognized:
Aetius, Ismene
She blinked, realizing that the door was slightly open. Ismene did spend time with the two of them every once in a while, perhaps she would know where Noctis was. Artemisia knocked on the ajar door before opening it the rest of the way to the room. It looked like it was Ismene’s office space. There was a giant desk in the middle with stacks of paper and folders spread out throughout the room. Some looked like they were in the middle of being organized in one of the many filing cabinets, but must have been needed again along the way as they were opened with the papers in a disarray. There was a small laptop amongst the papers on a desk further back against the wall, though it looks like it was push aside to make room for the other items. The only thing that the office was missing was the owner.
Artemisia was about to leave before her eyes caught something through the mess. She walked over to the middle desk, looking over the desk the best she could despite her short stature. There were small figurines atop a large terra graphic map. Artemisia couldn’t tell what it was a map of; it was somewhere beyond Insomnia. It would explain why Artemisia didn’t recognize anything on the map. Insomnia was the only land she knew after all. The figurines were grouped in different colors, one group blue and one group red.
She reached over and grabbed one of the figurines from each group, turning them over in her hands curiously. They looked exactly the same, minus the color differentiation. They looked like the pawn pieces in a game of chess. She noticed that there were a few of them that looked like that while the rest varied in shape and size. Balancing on the tips of her toes to look over the side of the desk, she moved the two figurines around the large map pretending they were climbing up the 2D mountain.
“Artemisia?”
The little girl jumped, the pieces dropping from her hands and clanking against the desk. She whipped around to see Ismene standing at the door with some files in her hand. Her eyes darted between the figurines she dropped and the older woman in front of her. She tucked her hands behind her back, trying to make it convincing that she hadn’t been playing with something that isn’t her’s.
“What are you doing in here?” Ismene walked in, looking over Artemisia and the map where she saw her pieces had been moved. “Your mother is in her usual spot downstairs.” Artemisia shook her head, looking down at the ground with a light blush on her chubby cheeks. Ismene noticed the backpack on the floor and put the pieces together. “Are you looking for the prince?”
The little girl nodded.
“Oh sweetheart, Noctis left for Tenebrae already.” Ismene exclaimed, walking around to the other side of the desk and taking a seat. “The king and his son both left early this morning. It will take them about three days to get there, so they needed to leave as soon as possible.”
Well, Noctis was a bit loopy from the pain medicine when she originally asked him about the trip. He must of gotten the time they leave and the time it takes to get to Tenebrae mixed up. Now this left Artemisia unsure of what to do with herself, awkwardly looking at her feet.
Ismene glanced down at the map and the toppled figurines before looking back at the young girl before her. “Your mother should be finishing her shift in a little while,” she leaned over and started to arrange the different map pieces, “Would you like to play a little game until then?” Ismene chuckled at the immediate sparkle in Artemisia’s eyes at the offer. “Here,” she scooted another seat next to the table, “I’ll show you how it works.”
Artemisia hopped onto the seat, resting on her knees to look over the desk. Ismene separated the figurines by their colors, keeping the red ones to her side and pushing the blue ones to Artemisia’s. “Have you ever played chess, Artemisia?” The quiet girl gave a one shoulder shrug. “Well, this is similar to chess. These are your pieces and they represent different units that you can use to win.” She held up the pawn piece from earlier and a piece that looked more like a shield at attention.
“And they don’t all move the same. For example, this one,” she held the pawn, “Can move further than this one,” she wiggled the shield. “The pawn represents a small unit of soldiers, while the shield represents a large group that are meant to defend an area.” She then picked up another figurine. It was the only one of its kind: it was shaped like a crown and was the largest piece in the ensemble. “And this is the goal. You want to capture this piece, and if you do then you win.” She put the piece down at the back of her figurine army. “The rest of your pieces are suppose to protect the goal by defending and capturing enemy pieces. Are you interested?”
Artemisia nodded enthusiastically, grabbing at her pieces and arranging them on the map. Ismene explained a few other rules: the purposes of other pieces, movement of the pieces, what pieces overpower others and how turns are taken. It was a lot to take in -- and those were just basic, beginner rules -- but Artemisia always enjoyed to keep her mind busy.
The two soon began their game. Once the first move was made all talking ceased and the only sounds were the clinks of the figurines against the desk. It took a while for Artemisia to fully grasp all the rules and limitations, but she soon fell into it. Though, as the game progressed and the situation became more havoc she needed more and more time to think of her next move. Turns out that was bad too because if she waited too long then Ismene would make her own moves, complicating things further.
Artemisia bit her lip, trying to force her brain to keep up with the ever changing game. She glanced up at her opponent and wasn’t surprised to see her as cool as a cucumber, leaning against her chair casually as she stared down at the map. Ismene noticed the girl’s attention and smiled at her. “Take your time.” She chirped as she moved another piece forward.
Artemisia lightly bit her finger as she brought her attention back to the map. Ismene, while obviously the superior mind, didn’t seem disinterested in how everything was playing out. Artemisia knew the older woman wasn’t playing to the best of her abilities, but she wasn’t making this easy on Artemisia either. If Ismene wasn’t going to back out of the challenge, then neither would she.
It was after Ismene moved another piece that her brain finally clicked. Her brought her hand down from lip, quickly reassessing the map with eyes wide with realization. She nearly lunged forward to make her move before Ismene, bringing one of her shields closer to the main battlefield. Ismene had flinched back slightly at her abrupt movement, glancing back between Artemisia and the map before continuing her move.
The game continued and while Artemisia still struggled a little to keep up, her thinking was clearer than before. The two were focusing their pieces towards a choke in the middle of the map where it became a battle of which figurines overpower which. Ismene had more available and more powerful pieces, but Artemisia kept her area fortified with a crowd of pieces. It looked as though the game became a battle of time as Ismene’s forces would slowly decimate the remaining pieces on Artemisia’s side. Ismene’s eyes trailed over the field, looking over her possible moves before her eyes noticed a few rogue pawns straying away from the main battle. With each move they would slowly inch their way further from the main party and closer to Ismene’s side, the pawns diverging to their own paths as they centered on one center target.
Well, someone’s a little clever.
A small knock echoed from the other side of the door. “My lady, I was told to deliver these to yo--” Artemisia’s mother, Sotiria, opened the door with a small stack of papers in her hands. Her eyes widened in shock. “Artemisia!” Said girl sprung from her chair, quickly finishing her move before jumping off her seat as her mother ran over to her. “What are you doing in here? You shouldn’t be bothering Lady Aetius!” Her mother looked up at Ismene, utter embarrassment and panic in her eyes. “I am so sorry, my lady! I-I didn’t know that she was here! I-If I did--”
Ismene looked up from the map at the red-faced woman before her. “Mrs Thanos, could I talk to you in the hallway?” She lifted herself from her seat and patted Artemisia on the head as she passed. “Artemisia can stay in here while we talk.”
Sotiria stood frozen as the older woman walked past her, a small gulp indicating her nerves. Artemisia patted her mother’s hand comfortably before turning her attention back to the map. Her mother wished she had her daughter’s confidence.
Sotiria stepped out into the hallway, with Ismene softly shut the door behind them. “I’m really sorry about her! I keep telling her to not wander off but she always finds ways. I’m so, so, sorry--”
“It’s alright, it’s alright.” Ismene insisted, calming the worried woman’s animated bambling. “I’m not mad at you or her. If anything I have to say I’m… intrigued.”
Sotiria blinked. “Huh?”
“Mrs Thanos, your daughter demonstrates exceptional skill in strategic thinking. Thinking above the typical level for children her age. And with her initiative to pursue her curiosities, I believe that your daughter could make a wonderful future tactician, with the right training of course.”
“Wait, what?” Sotiria gasped flabbergasted. “T-Tactician? She’s always been at a higher level than most kids her age, but isn’t that a bit much? A-After all, children are curious about everything. That’s not exclusive to Artemisia.” She rubbed her shaking hands together, a nervous smile on her face.
“Intelligence is given to those that are motivated enough to pursue it. Curiosity, and the desire to find the answers, that is something that can be lost if not nurtured and encouraged. Which I would, if given the opportunity.” Ismene clasped her two hands together, holding them down in front of her pelvis in a relaxed position. “Mrs Thanos, I believe your daughter, if given the opportunity, could rise above expectation and make a difference. The prince will need people he can trust in upcoming days. Royalty has its charms but it’s not all glitter and gold. Having a friend with him -- beside him -- can make a world of difference.”
Sotiria’s gaze shifted to the ground, unsure about the offering before her and her daughter. One isn’t just offered to suddenly train with the royal line of Lucis; especially one with no royal blood.
Sotiria furrowed her brows slightly when a thought came to mind, a thought that every mother would want to protect their child from. “If… If Artemisia did train with you, does that mean she would have to fight?” Most citizens were able to ignore the war with Niflheim, taking their safety behind the Wall for granted. Anyone involved with the king, however, was more than aware of the dangers outside of the Crown City. Despite most of her time being restrained to watching Noctis, Sotiria had seen some of the Crownsguard and even a few Kingsglaive. The Crownsguard members were always covered in bruises and scars from fighting and the Kingsglaive usually faired worse. Sotiria would go into a slight panic when she saw the slightest bit of blood on her daughter, there is no way she could handle seeing anything worse.
Ismene opened her mouth to respond before closing it once again, glancing down at the floor for a moment before returning her attention back to the woman before her. “Yes, she would.” No point in sugar coating the truth. “Eventually, that is. I would primarily focus on academic study and training her brain on how to think tactically. The combat training would come later, when she’s older and officially accepted into the position.”
Ismene could still see the uneasiness in Sotiria’s eyes. “In the end, it’s a decision that Artemisia will have to make when she’s ready.” Ismene reached into the pocket of her uniform and pulled out a small sticky note and pen. “In the very least, I would highly encourage you to enroll Artemisia to this school. It’s an intensive educational program that I think would benefit her, regardless if she decides to take the position or not.” She handed the written piece of paper to Sotiria. “I can see what I can work out with the school to see about covering the admission fees and what not.”
Sotiria stared at the paper in her hand. Everything was happening too fast, her brain couldn’t keep up. It was bewildering enough for her family to be friends with royalty, and now this? This was too much. “Do you…” She trailed off before hesitantly looking back at the councilwoman. “Do you really think she could do it?”
“I do. I wouldn’t have suggested it otherwise.” Ismene assured confidently. Even then, she could still see the uncertainty in the other woman’s eyes. “I encourage you to at least consider it.”
The door behind them squeaked, catching the two women’s attention. Artemisia pushed it open enough for her to squeeze through, looking at the adults with great interest. Her mother waved her hand, signalling her to come to her side. “Come on, Artemisia. We should be heading home soon.” Artemisia came over and held on to her mother’s hand as Sotiria looked back to Ismene. “We’ll think about your offer.”
Ismene smiled. “Thank you.”
Sotiria looked down at Artemisia and gave her hand a little comforting shake. “Say goodbye to Miss Aetius, sweety.”
Artemisia smiled and gave a small wave as they walked away. Ismene’s smile grew a slightly and waved back to the little girl before she went back into her study.
After arriving home, Sotiria told her husband about the offer before them. He seemed more excited at the idea than Sotiria, but he held the same concerns. Artemisia was only nine and the idea of having such a huge responsibility placed on her was enough to overshadow his previous excitement. They tried to discuss it privately, but that was proving difficult with Artemisia constantly following them. Why did their kid have to be so good at eavesdropping?
Dinner time was the only time they got any kind of relief from Artemisia’s intense stare. The parents looked over at each other from across the table, both picking at their food absentmindedly. The two were practically having an entire conversation with just their eyes, making strange faces and odd eye movements as they tried to avoid their daughter catching on.
Finally, Artemisia’s father was the one to break the awkward silence as he cleared his throat. “So Artie, I heard you played with Ismene today?” He asked, ignoring the small glare he was getting from his wife for his casual language. Artemisia nodded, her smiling face full of food. “Did you like spending time with her?”
Artemisia swallowed, nodding vigorously.
Sotiria glanced back her husband before placing her utensils down and bringing her hands together as she focused on her daughter. “Artemisia, are you interested in the things that Miss Aetius does?” Artemisia looked back at her mother with questioning eyes. “Miss Aetius made an offer, where she can teach you how to do what she does. You would have to transfer to a different school, but Miss Aetius thinks you will do well there and you would be able to learn how to do all the things that she does so that you can be…” she hesitated, “She wants you to train to become an tactician like her.” Artemisia blinked, digesting her mother’s words. Her mother wrapped her hand over Artemisia’s smaller one.
Artemisia opened her mouth before closing it again and looking down at her plate. Her father rubbed her shoulder comfortably. “It’s your choice, honey. But Ismene seems to think that you can do a lot of good in the future.”
Artemisia stared down at her half empty plate, a highway of thoughts coming and going through her mind. In flashes she saw King Regis, Ismene’s flooded office, the game they played earlier, and then she saw Noctis.
“...I want to try.”
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A..ALL of the oc asks for trolly?? ;v; they look so sweet and i couldnt narrow it down sakjdfh
!!! I presume you mean Tolly!! Thank you so much for asking about him, he’s my precious son and I’ve missed him
I’ll put this under a cut though bc this will get long x)
1. What is their favorite word
Hmm, I’m not sure he’d have one absolute favorite but I think he likes soft words, like ‘bubble’
2. How do they sleep
He has troubles sleeping and gets bothered by disturbances easily, so he wears that, what is it called, that blindfold-like thing to block out light, and earplugs etc. He sleeps better when he’s in company he finds safe, though.
3. Favorite companion
The closest friend he has is Will, and then of course he loves his eventually-to-be-boyfriend Neal :’) Both are his favorites, just in different ways!
4. What secrets do they keep, untold to anyone?
He’s really, really insecure about his body, he has freckles and moles all around his upper body and he’s chubby, both of which he tries to hide by wearing a lot of baggy clothes. (I wanna make clear that I don’t think these are “ugly” features at all personally but, he was bullied about these at one point and he has a really bad complex about being seen now)
5. How do they feel about magic
Huh… I think he finds it interesting and fun, he loves to read fiction and a lot of his favorite books include magic. I think if he played more games or trpgs he’d play mages (or clerics specifically if those are in the game).
6. How do they feel about killing
Bad!! Horrible!! Death is something he really mourns a lot, even with people he never knew, and he cannot comprehend killing someone…
7. How do they feel at night, in silence, all alone?
Lonely and scared. He doesn’t like darkness so he usually goes to sleep early. And while he is mostly introverted and has avoidant personality disorder and finds other people usually stressing, he also struggles with being alone a lot as well. So he’ll just listen to calming music and go to sleep before it gets too late.
8. Tell me about them in a modern AU
Well, he practically does live in modern world, perhaps a bit more advanced than ours. He’s currently a college student, he spends a lot of time hanging out with his friend group and often proofreads essays etc for his friends because he’s good at it (both writing them and editing them - everyone keeps getting surprised how strict he is proofing them when he’s usually kind and calm). He reads a lot of books and magazines on his free time and goes to therapy once a week…
9. What is their favorite meal
Filled bell peppers! He usually makes them without any meat if he’s making them himself but he’ll eat them any way.
10. What guides them
A wish to be a good influence on the lives of others, which he hugely looks reference for from books and other sorts of fiction. He also wants to get better with his mental illness, and he has gotten really far from where he used to be.
11. What hinders them
His own inability to believe in himself, mostly. He wants to get better and understands kind of what he should do but, he just ends up always backing off because he can’t believe in himself.
12. Do they have hidden talents
As mentioned before, he’s really good with academic text, but that’s not so much ‘hidden’ talent as it is just his talent. He’s also pretty good at giving massages, which many don’t know. He also reads… really fast…. and he’s super fast at sorting. He’s also really good at comforting people, although he doesn’t realize it himself.
13. How do they carry themselves
Hmm… He mostly kind of keeps to himself and tries to take as little space as possible. He seems meek and, well, he is too. He tries to stay out of the way, seem small. He fiddles with his fingers a lot and has a bad posture.
14. What are their vices
He has hard time gathering determination for anything and in turn loses it really quickly. He gives up on things and doesn’t usually try to pursue things even if they make him happy. He doesn’t say when things make him uncomfortable because he’s so afraid of causing any kind of conflict… In fact, he avoids anything that can lead to conflict, even if sometimes they are things he would need to do.
15. What was a turning point in their life
Meeting Will, probably. While they both struggle with their own mental illnesses, they’ve found a lot of comfort in their friendship and the strength to get better respectively. Will was the first one to know of Tolly’s struggles and he helped Tolly find friends.
16. Do they ascribe to any religion
He’s agnostic, for the most part. Religion is something that confuses him since, well, it’s not something easy to understand.
17. How do they react to trauma
Not well… He carries his trauma with him for long, finding it hard to let go of them. Every single hurtful word will haunt his thoughts for many, many years if not forever. He’s trying to learn not to mind them but, any wounds trauma has caused him always returns to echo in his thoughts.
18. What is their relationship to their parents
These days he has good relationship with them. In the past he had a lot of difficulties, his parents were distant and busy which partially caused his AvPD. They also used to be pretty conservative so he felt scared about coming out for a long time. Anyways once he finally got the courage to talk and start therapy, his relations have gotten a lot better, especially with his mother who is a psychiatrist and has actively tried to right the things she did wrong so far. His father is not that good at these things, but he tries his best.
19. Do they have siblings
He has an older sibling I haven’t yet defined that much, not even their gender identity;; All I know they’re a lot older than Tolly, something like 8-13 years older. They get along with Tolly but work in an another country so they don’t see a lot.
20. Tell me about their love interests
He gets crushes easily, so he has had a lot. He tends to get crushes on gentle and confident people (or at least people who seem confident, he can’t really recognize faked confidence). His current love interest who’ll in the story become his boyfriend is Neal! Neal is asexual, really calm and quiet and good at taking care of others. Tolly also did have a crush on Will but it didn’t really go anywhere.
21. What sexuality/gender suits them
Tolly is completely homosexual and a cisman!
22. Tell me about their body, are they tall, or smol
Tolly is pretty tall (if I remember correctly he was like 6′4″ - 193cm). As mentioned before, he has a chubby stomach but to the point that he can hide it with big clothes, mostly. His legs especially are long.
23. What is their combat style and weapon of choice
I’m not sure if he’d ever get into combat… If there’s a possibility of magic then that is his choice, especially healing spells. He’d in any cases rather play support, and not hurt others.
24. Do they have any fears/phobias
Strangers, and other people in general. He’s mostly fine with people he has gotten to know and he has gotten better about this so he’s not constantly scared when he’s out somewhere with people, but he still can’t approach people and will avoid places with a lot of people. Also people yelling or being loud in general makes him uncomfortable. He’s afraid of being hated or being thought of as disgusting or gross and especially being called by those words. He is also really, really uncomfortable with sex scenes with a male-female couple.
25. Do they follow their instinct or hard facts
Mostly he goes by his emotions, so instinct. Logic he can approach well in studies etc, but when it comes to his own life and things that affect him, he goes by what his feelings say.
26. How do they cope with sorrow
He shrivels into his shell, isolates himself from others and cries alone a lot. He used to lock himself up in his room, would hardly sleep, and listen to a lot of music. He also ends up in the cycle of not eating and then binge-eating, repeating this again and again.
27. What makes them burst out laughing
Very few things, he doesn’t really show emotions that strongly. Laughing out loud would gather attention after all and his self-esteem gets in the way too and he feels stupid if he laughs loudly. If he’s at home and watching a comedy show alone or with close friends, he’ll laugh a lot though. Just, often it is quiet and muffled since he covers his mouth when he laughs.
28. Tell me about their grooming routine
He takes a shower every morning and makes sure to dry his hair soon after with a hairdryer. He also lotions his face daily and his body once a week.
29. What makes them blush
Oh, gosh, many things. He blushes really easily, especially from either embarrassment or being flustered. Being complimented, mocked, making mistakes, seeing his crush, sometimes just talking with his friends…
30. What makes them cry
Getting mocked or shamed for something, or in general feeling like he’s stupid or has embarrassed himself. He’ll also cry really easily at animal videos that are even a bit emotional
31. Tell me about their aesthetic
Books. A lot of books. Also winter clothes and snow, small and comfy apartments, pictures of the sky.
32. If they had a tumblr, what would they post
He’d probably mostly use it to reblog things, like pictures he found pretty or things about the books he has read or series he has watched. Not really anything too involved, just nice looking things. Perhaps some occasional pictures of his life, especially study things :>
#urpo answers#mintyyprince#Tolly#sorry it took me a while to answer!!!! i had to go to sleep last night before i managed to finish this#and today i had friends over to watch a movie :'>#but thank u so much!!!!#i'm so happy to talk about Tolly it's been t o o long#i love my gay son#he's mostly a nervous mess so please be gentle with him#(also hey easy way to figure out how old my ocs are is to just check if they have a last name)#(if they don't they're probably older)#(if they do they're probably 2-3 years old at most)
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Wait, so you don't have BPD but you want to write parse with bpd as your representation? How does that work? I'm really sorry, I like your Parse stories and read them and I don't mean to say that you shouldn't write them, but I don't understand where you're coming from on this. Is it really that difficult to identify with any of the characters of color on the same level?
I’ll answer your questions backwards so the long personal story can go under a readmore:
“Is it really that difficult to identify with any of the characters of color on the same level?“
That’s something I’ve been thinking about a lot over the last few weeks. Like, mental health is my wheelhouse, that’s a huge thing I write about; what about writing mentally ill characters of colour? I can do it pretty easily with my OCs (cf. Luis and Maida) but feeling my way into mental health themes with canon characters of colour is more difficult while Kent and Jack are kind of like... low-hanging fruit, for me.
It’s why I’ve started bugging @abominableobriens with thoughts about BPD Nursey, gone back to trying to work my way into Ransom’s anxiety (I can’t find the post where I talk about where I was with this a couple months ago). It’s not a smooth process, though--I’m flopping around being like “but how do I respect Ransom’s personality and preferences but get him some TREATMENT and REST” and “Okay but I haaate conflict-laden relationships and Nursey and Dex’s canon relationship is so full of sniping, how do I write Nursey without Dex?” and that’s the kind of flailing and experimentation I have to do internally or talking to a few people. Mostly the for-public-consumption stuff that’s come out of that process so far has been fluffy romantic headcanons.
So we’ll see how that goes. It’s partly that positive depictions of BPD/the kind of complex trauma I’m interested in are really rare. Before OMGCP, I spent most of my time writing straight-up OCs in fandom contexts because I couldn’t find what I wanted in the source material. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Oookay, and now for the long bit: Why I care really personally about representations of BPD even though I don’t have it myself.
So basically, I’ve been depressed/mentally ill since elementary school, but growing up I kind of internalized the idea that letting my family know I was suffering would be so awful and unbearable for them that I could NOT do it. So I hated myself and I was miserable and was convinced that I couldn’t tell any adults about it. The big lifeline for me were young adult problem novels--books about teens in treatment programs for eating disorders or self-injury or, heck, kidney disease or parapalegia--I never saw myself in the symptoms, precisely, which was confusing, but I did see myself in the emotional experience of overwhelming pain, and I was captivated by the idea that feeling so awful all the time wasn’t normal, it was a disease; and a disease that could be treated. There were people who could help me be Not-That--but I couldn’t ask my parents to see a therapist, since that would be too awful for them, so I tried to soak up what knowledge I could through those books (or the nonfiction books that were available to me). The books... were very bland, whitewashed, rendered down to be acceptable; the girls were very soft, very fragile, would never hurt a fly (except themselves). I kind of internalized that as what a Good Mentally Ill Person should look like, and didn’t realize there was any other sort of mental illness.
In junior high school I started being able to articulate this depression to other kids and started making friends, online and in real life, who were also mentally ill like me. We could talk together about feeling worthless and unlovable, and participate in a conspiracy of silence Not To Let The Adults Know.
I’m struggling to explain this and keep my narrative somehow concise, not an essay about my entire childhood--long story short, I’m not Borderline; I was a lot more emotionally stable, even if my stability was in absolute fucking misery. I could take an emotion like a punch to the gut and sit with it, when a lot of my friends would have to get it out somehow--it drove them to do crazy and self-destructive things. (As an adult I know this difference is a lot about genetics and our lives before the age of three.) And also, long story short, I learned that one way to make people like me was to pay attention to them and take care of them. I nurtured out of self-defense and because it was the only way I knew how to socialize. So I was the person all my friends told about their problems.
And I thought they were like me, that we had the same problems, the same illness? I tried to take what I learned from books and apply it, which was all about being patient and giving and empathetic and loyal and A Good Friend. I thought friendship could cure anything. No matter what anybody did to me, I was totally disconnected from my anger and self-protective instincts; I thought I had to be a sponge, soaking up all their bad emotions and loving them no matter what.
So I was totally unprepared for them to split on me. I didn’t know anything about the idealization/devaluation cycle.
Splitting is... so, Borderline Personality Disorder is basically an inability to self-regulate, to integrate, to tolerate ambiguity. Either the person with it is an amazing perfect god, or a destructive piece of shit. Either their friend is a wonderful loving angel, or an evil demon who hates them and wants them to suffer. And this is an opinion that can flip on a dime, depending on how the person feels in that moment. So like--
I was maybe 16 or 17, and made a friend through a speech and debate club I was part of. From out of nowhere she liked me, thought I was pretty and smart and special. I stayed up until 3am one weekend and talked with her; we shared our hopes, our dreams, our favourite books. She sang a Scottish ballad that she said reminded her of me (”black is the colour of my true love’s hair”). The next time we met she gave me a little teddy bear with a hand-written note about what a good friend I was.
Then in the club, it was my job to make sure everyone got to meetings on time and was properly dressed and everything, and someone pointed out to me that my friend was wearing a skirt that was way shorter than dress guidelines allowed for. I had to go tell her that she was supposed to change and said, squirmingly uncomfortable, “People have talked to me...” She stalked off.
That night was a ceremony where people who aged out of the group got to talk a little bit about what the group meant to them, and say goodbye to people, and play or sing a song. Her turn came, and she announced that our entire group was full of fake, awful, petty monsters, two-faced liars, almost as hurtful, hateful, and abusive as her foster parents. The song she played was “Just Like You” by Three Days Grace. I sobbed the entire time and tried to apologize to her, but it didn’t work.
About a month later, she emailed someone in the group to say she’d been angry and hadn’t meant it, and she was sorry for ruining the ceremony.
That kind of thing happened to me with... maybe five or six different people, to greater or lesser degrees, from the time I was 12 to the time I was 20, which is when I finally got a handle on what was going on and how to predict it and keep it from happening. Friendships where everything was fine, wonderful, great thanks, how are you, fine, wonderf--KABOOM YOU’RE A FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT LIS YOU ABUSER (oh wait sorry i didn’t mean it where are you going).
It took a lot of work to learn that I had to get my sense of self from something other than helping other people, to look after my own needs as well as other peoples’, to learn (GASP) to accept and even ask for help. A lot of things changed when my mom told us, when I was 15, that she was depressed and going into therapy, because that meant we were allowed to do these things in our family. I immediately blurted out, “Can I see a therapist too?” So I got more centred in myself, and also finally figured out what was going on with my friends, and got better at maintaining friendships with people with BPD that did not explode, at making friendships that were not based around me being a pseudo-therapist, and at getting my helping-people jonesing out with actual paid work.
So you might notice that a lot of my fics about Kent and BPD aren’t actually from Kent’s perspective or about him--they’re about people trying to live with him. Hurricane or Campsites are stories about people who know what to expect, who have some understanding of what he’s like and how to keep themselves safe. They can find ways to love him for his good parts without letting his bad parts hurt them, can love him without letting themselves be sucked in by the extreme warmth of his regard, can maintain their own boundaries and make their own decisions.
(To be honest, I was initially really amazed to find that people with BPD appreciate my fics or me talking about the subject? Because I am an outsider, because I am writing from this perspective--a medical perspective, no less! The voice of the Establishment! But a lot of people have been really receptive to my POV--which might just be, again, the paucity of positive representations at all.)
I didn’t really think about it this way until I got this ask and started trying to explain it, but... I’m trying to write the kind of story I could have used when I was a kid.
(So then you ask, Lis, you’re still writing about other people, about meeting other peoples’ needs--when are you going to write about children like you were, about experiences like yours? When are you going to tell your own story? and then I change the topic and sidle awkwardly out of the room. I’m not ready for that yet.)
#stuff i wrote#kent parson discourse#race in fandom discourse#mental health#bpd kent parson#bpd nursey#Anonymous
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