#feels So Fucking Good to finally bring some of these guys online i've had this project on the backburner for Ages
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⚠️⚠️⚠️JACKALOPE ONLINE I REPEAT JACKALOPE ONLINE⚠️⚠️⚠️
the c!tubbo rp blog set in my headcanon / au project is up n running‼️‼️‼️ @shope-papilloma is HERE ‼️‼️‼️
#paq.txt#honeyverse#2/15 blogs online................. hoh boy#i'm cooking i'm cooking i'm cooking#feels So Fucking Good to finally bring some of these guys online i've had this project on the backburner for Ages
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mdni | gettin' distracted
I'm in the middle of a gaming session with my online friends, preparing for a dungeon raid and coordinating our next moves. Sometimes my leg twitches a little, but it calms down under your weight — you're sitting on my lap, lazily watching me play. My head rests on your shoulder, and I frown slightly, studying the contents of my inventory for the right potions.
"Guys, anyone needs some Elixirs of Health? I got a shitload of 'em. Sharing is caring and all that," I say with a chuckle, holding the headset mic to my mouth. I can hear my friends' voices in my rig, most of them jocking or simply refusing, and a few of them asking to share. You scoff, clearly not amazed by my continous inventory adventures — now to pass on some potions to members of our party.
You squirm slightly on my lap, and suddenly you have a devilish idea.
"Hey, uh, babe, can I… borrow your hands for a sec?"
"Hm? Yeah, sure, just a moment."
I finish up the potion distribution and put my character in a safe spot before turning my attention to you. My hands are a bit stiff from gripping the controller for so long, but I'm more than happy to help. I place my hands on your waist, my thumbs gently massaging your hips.
"All's good, sunshine?"
"Mmm, that's perfect. Just… a little lower, if you don't mind," you purr in reply.
One corner of my lips goes up as I slide my hands down your hips and under your shirt. My fingertips brush against your skin in slow but firm movements. I can feel your heartbeat quickening through your chest, and now a broad grin creeps across my face.
We are interrupted by another voice in the headphones. "Hey, are we moving out?" I immediately remove my hands and place them back on the controller; a wrinkle reappears between my eyebrows and I mumble into the microphone: "Yeah, I'm ready."
I can't see your angry face because you're pressing your back against my chest, but if I could… O-oh, shit. And if I had a glimpse of it, maybe I could have predicted what would happen next.
"Hey, babe," I say, not taking my eyes off the screen as you start to fidget and grind on my lap. "I'm kinda in the middle of something here."
"Sorry," you mumble into my ear, but your hips don't stop moving against me. Fuck, this is distracting.
"Dude, what's going on there?" one of my friends asks over Discord, probably hearing the commotion through my mic.
"It's nothing," I lie, trying to sound casual while you practically hump my thigh. "Just… uh, dealing with some… lag issues?" I immediately blush: I know I've said a load of bullshit, but I just can't think straight when you...
"Uh-huh, sure," my friend says, not buying it for a second. "Well, you better 'fix' that glitch, or you're gonna wipe us all out."
"Lag issues, huh?" you turn on my lap and giggle into my ear, warm breath making my skin crawl. Your hips continue to grind against my thigh, your wetness now seeping through your shorts and onto my sweats. "Seems like you're the one having some… input lag."
I let out a chuckle, either because of your joke or because of the growing tension of the situation. Now I can finally see your face: your bitten lip, the slight blush, the absolutely devilish gleam in your eyes — hell, you've been planning this all along.
You lean forward, pressing your chest against mine as you nibble on my earlobe. Your free hand slides down my stomach, teasing the waistband of my pants and then returning to your own shorts.
My heart races as you begin to stroke yourself, whimpering softly into my ear. It feels incredible to have you so close, wanting me even though I'm focused on the game. But damn, it's hard to ignore how turned on you make me.
Then I hear a fucking moan and I absolutely can't get back to my game.
I make sure that my mic is off and whisper, "You're so fucking naughty, teasing me like this, getting off while we're in the middle of a game." I cradle your chin and bring you closer to my face, looking intently into your eyes.
"I can't help it, mama," you pant, your eyes half-lidded and glazed over with desire. "You're so fucking hot when you're focused on the game, it drives me wild." You lean in closer, your breath hot against my ear. "I want you to know that I'm yours to touch, yours to taste, yours to fuck whenever you want me."
Fuck.
I can already hear some of the party members asking where I am, but I just take my headset off — they'll be mad later, sure, but I don't care. How can I care with this throbbing between my legs and you on my lap, flustered and needy and ready.
"I bet you're already drenched" I say, my voice low and teasing in your ear. You nod, unable to form words as my hand slides up your thigh, underneath your shorts, and finds the sodden fabric of your panties. "Knew it," I smirk, my fingers delving further, finding your slick folds.
"Oh, fuck," you moan, arching your hips into my touch. I can't help but grin, knowing how much control I have over you in this moment. "Can't get enough, ain't ya?" I sneer, my lips brushing against your neck as I trail kisses down your collarbone.
"Can't even speak, yeah? My poor messy girl..." I purr, sucking hard at the sensitive skin where your neck meets your shoulder. "Want my fingers that bad?" My words were punctuated by soft bites and nips, eliciting a whimper from you that went straight to my core.
"Please," you beg, your hips rocking against my hand. "I need… I need more..."
"More, huh?" I tease, my fingers circling your clit, but not quite touching it. "You're so greedy, aren't you? But I guess I can give you more…"
Slowly, I slide two fingers inside you, curling them in a way I know will drive you wild. Your walls clench sweetly around me, and your nails dig into my shoulders as you moan my name. Aren't you pretty like that, sunshine?
"That's it, baby," I coax, hoarse and filthy in your ear as I keep pumping my fingers. "Let me hear how much you love it."
"Yes, yes-yes-yes!" you moan, your hips rolling on my hand. "I love it, I love it so much!" Your cheeks are flushed, your eyes squeezed shut in pleasure. You look absolutely divine, and I can't help but want more.
"That's my good girl," I praise, my free hand gripping your hair and pulling just enough to tilt your head back.
I lean in, capturing your swollen lips in a messy, open-mouthed kiss, our tongues tangling together as my fingers continue their relentless pace. You taste like need and desperation, and I can't get enough.
"Tell me what you want, baby," I grunt against your lips, my fingers curling even deeper inside you. "Tell me what you need me to do to make you cum."
"F-faster..." you mumble, trying to kiss me again. I evade you with a scoff and return to your sweet neck. "Faster, huh?" I tease, my fingers slowing down just a bit, causing you to whine in frustration. "You want it rough, don't you? Then beg. Good girls always beg."
"Please!" you cry out, your nails scratching the fabric of the shirt on my shoulders. "I-I want to cum, please!"
"That's better," I coo, and with that, I return my fingers inside your wet heat, picking up the pace until my hand is a blur of motion. My other hand is now gripping your hip firmly. "You're so close, aren't you? Just a few more thrusts and you're going to explode for me, aren't you?"
"Yea— fuck, yeah..." you whine, your body tensing up. "I-I'm..."
I can't help but smirk as I feel your walls clench around my fingers, your orgasm washing over you in waves. "That's right, baby," I whisper, my voice soothing as I continued to stroke you through your climax. "Let it all out for me."
Your breathing is ragged and heavy as you finally come down from your high, your body limp against mine. I gently remove my hand from your shorts, my fingers slick with your arousal. I bring them to my lips, tasting you.
Glancing at the screen, I see that I've been kicked to the game's main menu for inactivity. I imagine my friends joking amongst themselves about my 'lag problems' right now and what a mocking mess they're going to make of our next session, but I'm not the least bit ashamed.
#lesbian#men and minors dni#lesbian nsft#wlw concepts#wlw nsft#sapphic nsft#wlw ns/fw#wlw post#lesbian ns/fw#sapphic ns/fw#wlw smut
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josh hutcherson bicurious (im paraphrasing)
i'm drinking miller and pirating contagion again on my laptop, which is overheating, and the fan is kicked on so high because i'm using all my available RAM with all the pop-up porn adds on this foreign streaming site called ww7.soap2day.co, and i am too lazy to try to close the titty pop-ups so i just let them loop, jiggling their tits over gwyneth paltrow's face as she hacks up a lung in the kitchen and keels over at matt damon's feet. i always forget that gwyneth paltrow has this insanely cunty and extraordinarily short-lived character arc as patient zero where shes in the movie for like 11 minutes and then next thing you know shes getting her head sawed open for an autopsy. the fan and the pop-up porn are so loud that i have the subtitles on and they just say [SAW BUZZING] and gwyneth's sort of stunned open-mouthed face is taking up the whole frame just staring slightly off screen. i feel like this has been said before but i love her character work here in contrast to the goop vagina rocks and pussy candles. me and jamie have been taking these quizzes recently to get our seasonal color analysis and i think gwyneth is a soft spring here. she's like pasty and bloodless but also so pastel while shes getting her brain dissected. me and jamie keep getting all four different seasons when we take all these different mommy blogger quizzes but i am just going to keep taking the quiz until i get what i want, which I think would be winter because its chic and classic and im so absolutely bored of midwestern people. i've only been to new york three times but i feel like its not too late to at least delude myself for a month or two that i'll move there next fall.
i keep seeing all these online debates about this new hunger games movie and something about the katniss / anti-katniss female lead character archetypes but i always scroll past before i have any sense of what they're talking about. i went through like 11 years of icloud photos tonight to show jamie because it got too complicated trying to explain all of the different phases & aesthetics i've cycled through. its so embarrassing to admit but in college literally everyone called me 'peen' for four whole years as some sort of extended callback to a weird comment i made freshman year about being team peeta & katniss and how i was team peenis. i really never set myself up for success and it was never mean spirited but it did feel particularly TARGETED, even when i came back to school in the fall one year incredibly TANNED and TONED from just working all summer and going to the gym like twice a day to avoid awkward one-on-one time with my mom. there was even this one dude that i fucked like three times or so, and we were like good friends but when i'd see him walking around campus he'd be like 'hey peen' and then proceed to text me to hang out a few hours later. classic that this would happen to me but again i did kind of bring it on myself in a moment of needing to just be the loudest, biggest breath-sucking striver in the room. i almost always succeeded, though, in captivating and maintaining.
you know years later i did finally succeed in reinventing myself as a cool fun party coke girl, but like one who also knows every pavement song and went to post-bar sex parties at this one allston dj's house. i think i fucked at least a couple guys who had josh hutcherson vibes but were considerably uglier. i think josh hutcherson once said that katniss & peeta & gale should have a threesome or something. in my personal experience, during this time i did have a threesome with this guy who i must have thought looked vaguely josh hutcherson, kind of stocky but with a nice jawline, but in reality this dude had a weird fupa and carried himself with a sort of an all-around, prematurely-aging affect. once after we boned he asked me to take pictures of him for his tinder account, and everything was just so boring then so i said sure yeah im game, and i truly had nothing else to do, so he had me take a bunch of shots of him laying completely naked on top of the bed with a copy of infinite jest folded open on his lap covering his crotch. you can see like a sliver of ballsack in every single picture. this, along with a few additional reasons, is why i think gwyneth paltrow's lobotomy on steriods speaks to me. i think a lot of my problems in life would be solved if i was just team gale
#alt lit#spilled words#girlblogging#spilled ink#nanowrimo#shitpost#autofiction#flash fiction#nano 2023#zine#lit#writing#dirtbag#dasha#girl blogger#ottessa
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I hate hate hate switching I hate it i hate it so much I hate coming back to answer awkward questions of things I didn't do i hate the "you were online why did you ignore me" conversation I hate missing days I hate missing interactions i hate the fact my loved ones feel betrayed and abandoned by me I hate the thought they miss me i hate how I don't even realize I've been gone i hate how I can't excuse leaving cause it makes me sound manipulative I hate leaving my friends i hate how they all probably resent me for how i dissapear I hate how my co host is an introjrct of my current comfort source and I can't enjoy it without thinking of the trauma and building some resentment for him even though he is genuinely a great guy i hate hurting people i hate being a bad person i hate not being able to be in the right i hate not being able to be a justice bringer I hate how my younger friends don't listen to me when I've been where they are and my advice can easily change their suffering i hate seeing the same exact experiences I've had and learning from them only to not be able to help others learn too i hate how none of the kind words people say about me are true i hate how i know everyone secretly wishes they havent met me because I'm never there i hate how i leave people without meaning to i hate how tired I am always so even if we were switching id still not have any energy for more than simple interactions i hate how im missing possibly my mothers final days i hate how i have no memory of head space i hate how my therapist insists she thinks I'm a system but also wants me to forve everyone to stop seeing me thay way and for me to stop identifying that way I hate how she is forcing us to integrate i hate feeling like 1000 different ppl at once because of integration i hate not knowing what is real and what is source i hate not having a stable identity i hate my loved ones not feeling loved by me
I hate it. I hate switching. I hate chronic fatigue. I hate BPD. I hate my eating disorder. I hate my addiction. I hate how fucking unreliable and inconsistent I am even thought I try so hard. I hate how ill never be the good person that is selfless and brings justice they see. I hate myself. But I am the best person to exist and only I am capable of carrying a burden like this. That is why God has plastered it onto me to be the anti-christ because no other human could carry all the hatred I have. I am the devils daughter and I should be burnt for that.
#tw vent#tw god#tw ed#tw everything#tw Christianity#sorry. getting messed with thr church qgain is fucking up mu head big time.#im sofry#bmgj#im going to bed irs qlmost fucking midnight n we just switcged and my head hurts and djskjdks
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I think I've grown enough now as a person that I can, maybe, sit down my parents at some point and talk about my childhood and school years. and how that time was so very fucking hard for me and looking back, yes I'm a little upset that they didn't notice.
I had friends in primary school and I'd invite them round or go round their houses frequently. Clearly I was a social child who enjoyed hanging out with other people in real space, who even liked things like going outside to exercise with friends. These are all things I did regularly in primary school, usually unsupervised.
But come high school and age 11, 12 maybe - all that stopped, cus I didn't have friends anymore. All my socialising after school stopped- or rather? moved online.
My mum used to give me such a hard time for being on my computer all the time as a teenager. Maybe it was too hard for me to explain that the reason I was sticking to the computer so much was because all my friends were in there.
I couldn't go out to hang with my friends because for a solid several years, I simply didn't have any that were close enough. Nobody at school liked me, really. I was spending most of my time at school waiting for it to be over.
I understand that if you're parenting two young teens and one of them is showing that they're very good at just sitting in their room quietly and that's actually what seems to be their preferred activity, it's hard to
1. see it as a problem,
2. do something about it,
also cus I was and am stubborn and struggle to ask for help and I've gotten sooooooo much better at this lately but as a teenager? no fucking chance you'd catch me ever asking for help. I was navigating the world the only way I knew how, which is to seek out friends and have fun with them, and for a long time online was the only place I could do that.
(So painful to remember and think about. I was the sweetest little kid all I wanted was to have friends. I didn't deserve the hell that high school put me through! I didn't deserve it one bit!)
I was & am disabled (arguably more so then than now, I have good coping skills and have structured my life to suit me, but at school I was just thrown about with very little idea of what was going on, or what would make it better) and I kinda wish my parents had recognised that even just a little bit
(But then they're both likely neurodivergent so I guess it was a bit of the old 'but everyone struggles with this' and 'this kid is like us and we are fine so they will be fine' not to mention that my parents both have their trauma and are on some levels Not Fine but let's not go into this too much)
It's gonna be so hard to talk about cus it'll bring out a lot of my mums internalised ableism and I don't really know what exactly I want out of this conversation. Maybe I just need them to know what was going on with me then, and what's going on with me now. Maybe I want to challenge my mum's ableist ideas and get her used to the idea of me as disabled (but still capable). Maybe we need to talk about how she still doesn't trust me as the highest authority on me, despite the fact that my parents and I only talk every couple months at a push. Maybe we need to talk about the fact that I am a very sensitive and highly emotional person and that I won't just "toughen up" like she did and I don't need to and I don't want to. But it would really make our relationship better if she recognised my feelings as part of me, for better or worse, and tried to work with me and my feelings rather than telling me not to have them.
Isn't it beautiful that I finally now feel safe and free enough to fully express my emotions in a way that my mother never could? It's sad, really, for her, so very fucking sad but I don't think my mum wants to be me: she's scared of her emotions, her anger, her grief and sadness and frustration. Probably even the loud, happy ones. Everything is clad in a layer of irony and tough guy act and she hasn't cried since she was 15.
I'm older than she was when she had me and I cry at least once a week on average, much more than that currently. I don't know how not to feel this much and I've had to radically embrace my full spectrum of emotions cus trying to suppress them like I did in school just left me stunted and hollow.
I would much rather feel everything! It makes me feel so alive. And I think that's what I need my mum to understand more than anything. I'm not scared of my emotions anymore so she doesn't have to be either.
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Bimonthly Media Roundup
-Hatoful Boyfriend (Video Game) - Hatoful finale and wow what an ending it was. I really have to applaud this game on turning a silly bonkers premise into a genuinely unnerving psychological horror while actually having interesting characters and emotional moments. I wouldn't say I connected enough with any of them to buy merch or anything but they had more depth than I was expecting from dating sim characters (and birds at that) with exiting little twists. The true ending was the culmination of all the routes and somehow delivered the most impactful story line of all, with a sort of fucked up but true case of "yeah minus the birds thing this is kinda how humans react to sudden and unexpected political shifts huh?". I'd definitely recommend giving it a playthrough/watch, it may seem a little slow at first but boy is it an experience.
-Face Off (TV) - Seasons 4 and 5 are on Netflix so I've been putting this on as background noise while I work. Really fun to see the neat challenges and designs, especially as I like to think how I would approach them myself (though more from a drawing/writing standpoint than crafting obviously). Too bad the whole show isn't available, I haven't found an archived set of all the designs and challenges online so I feel like I'm missing out on some fun ones.
-Suzume (Movie) - Okay so I had typed a whole big review on this out that glitched and did not save. I don't want to type it again so short version is that I respect the animation and themes or equating grief over the loss of a person with the loss of a location and community, but didn't really vibe with the lack of character or tension in the story. Also I feel bad for the little gremlin cat and think he deserved way better, justice for that cat that twink guy should've stayed a chair.
- Campfire Cooking (Manga) - A quick reread of the whole manga when I just wanted a self-indulgent relaxing cooking series. It's still very wholesome, though I will say that I think this is one of the rare ones where the anime is better than the manga due to the visuals really enhancing the appetizing meals and cute mannerisms of the familiars. Season 2 will be coming out soon which I am now fully prepared for, bring me the tiny dragon and loser elf.
- Six of Crows (Books) - Left without internet I was forced to listen to the pre-downloaded audio books I had bought months ago. It's actually pretty interesting so far, I do love heist stories, but I don't feel like talking about it until I'm farther in.
- The Apothecary Diaries (Anime) - I'm too tired to talk about how incredible this was right now but believe me it's really really good. I love MaoMao, this setting is amazing, the characterization of everyone is grounded enough to feel like unique people while leaving room for silly comedy, and the mysteries and twists are so compelling that I could barely stop watching. Highly recommend, might even rewatch it again soon.
- Dungeon Meshi (Anime) - Y'all weren't kidding about those lesbians huh? Good for them, Good for them.
- One Piece (Anime) - Arrived in Wano, the new art style is charming and so are Otama and Okiku.
- Genshin Impact (Video Game) - Making my way through Sumeru.
Listening To: How Did You Love by Shinedown, Give Up Your Dreams from The School of Rock, Everything Goes On by Porter Robinson, All the Boys by Panic! At The Disco, Willow by Taylor Swift, Rose Colored Boy by Paramore, Her Diamonds by Rob Thomas, Stray Italian Greyhound by Vienna Teng, Hey I Don't Work Here by Tom Cardy, Pierrot by Kei, and Can't Catch Me Now cover by Annapantsu
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survey #147
Have you ever drawn or painted a self-portrait?
Painted, yes, but only because it was an art class assignment.
Do you know anyone in a relationship with someone who’s old enough to be their parent?
It's possible, idk.
Do you know any narcissists?
I sure do.
When was the last time you spoke to someone in a different language?
I read a quote on the screen while watching Dark (it's German) with Girt because he wanted to know how it was properly read. I tend to fuck up on pronunciation a lot myself because I overthink it and for some weird reason I've never figured out am also just very awkward about speaking a language not everyone here understands, but I did pretty damn good that time, lol.
When was the last time you took a picture with your pet(s)?
With a pet, it's been a hot minute. I just don't like taking photos featuring myself.
Which shade of foundation do you usually buy?
I don't wear foundation, even in the extremely rare occasion I put any sort of makeup on.
Have you ever dreamt of someone you barely know?
Yes actually, those are so weird.
What would you consider your defining feature?
Well, I'm pretty sure people are gonna notice my weight first.
You kiss: boys or girls?
Boys and girls and everything inbetween.
What you wish your living situation was:
Girt and I in our own place with the pets.
One color you’d never paint your walls:
A bright yellow, for one.
A (normal, not manure etc.) scent you don’t like:
Gasoline, tar, freshly cut grass.
One kind of alcohol you won’t drink:
I will never, ever, ever put beer in my mouth because of my dad.
An actor you think has no business acting?
I don't know shit about acting, don't ask me.
A food you won’t eat:
Beans is one that people tend to not get at all, like I can't chew or swallow them.
An animal that scares you:
Centipedes, especially big ones. They're very cool visually, but way too fast and their bites are legendary.
What’s the stinkiest pet you’ve ever had?
Well Teddy and his diaper towards the end of his life, when he had UTIs non-stop. Have you also smelled a cat's litterbox? Especially when it's in your BEDROOM? God help Roman's shits sometimes.
Have you ever seen one of your friends get arrested?
No, that'd be upsetting.
Do you put sprinkles on anything?
No, I hate sprinkles.
How do you like your steak?
Medium well.
Long hair on guys: yes or no?
YES I fucking LOVE long hair on guys
Bring anyone dead back to life, who would it be?
Steve Irwin.
How many siblings does your mom have?
Three.
Have you ever met a mainstream band?
I've never met a band, period.
Would you ever meet someone you met online?
I've done it before and there are some more I would meet, even want to meet.
Is your last name extremely common?
I mean, I don't think extremely common, but it's certainly not rare.
Would you feel funny if you kissed somebody of the same sex?
No, it didn't even feel funny the first time I did it after living the vast majority of my life thinking I was straight.
What’s something you can cook or bake like a pro?
lol nothing
Would you rather donate time, blood, or money?
Probably time.
What’s a pretty bird?
All owls. Such beautiful, majestic animals.
Besides sleeping, what do you do in bed?
I used to do literally everything in bed for years, I lived in it and it caused the muscle atrophy in my legs, but thank GOD I finally stay out of it as much as I can. Now I really just sometimes read or do ✨couple things✨ in it.
Is the last person you called attractive?
I think my mom's very pretty, but I'm definitely not attracted to her, that'd be problematic.
What does your name mean?
"Of Britain." So boring, lol.
Do you know how many people your best friend has had sex with?
Yes.
Is the last person you kissed mad at you?
No.
Do you believe teenagers can be in love and stay in love?
Absolutely.
If you have a Facebook, when was the last time you changed your profile picture?
It's been quite a while.
Are you a stoner?
No.
What is the last gift you received and from who?
Haha Girt ordered it back in like, October, but within the past week it got here: a Mira plush that Konami released that I casually shared on Facebook just because it was super cute and Girt decided to buy it immediately, lol. She's an adorable shiba inu with a headset that originates from a joke ending in Silent Hill 2 where she's behind all of it at a big desk with tons of buttons and levers, and it became a trend in the game after that.
What is your state’s minimum wage?
$7.25/h, proven unlivable <3
Is there anyone that you’re mad at right now?
No.
Do you feel like different alcohols have different effects on you?
Not that I've noticed.
Did you change anything on your Facebook page today?
No, I seldom do.
How many significant others have you had in your WHOLE life?
Only three that were even remotely significant.
Have you ever purchased condoms?
I didn't.
Let’s say you had a baby with the last person you kissed?
Not in our foreseeable future, it'd break my heart but I'd abort it because we are not ready for that and there's already an insane overabundance of children that need parents. Also going through a traumatic experience like pregnancy would be for me (I have a wildly strong phobia of it), getting it out, and then not keeping it would ruin me, I know it would.
Do you have someone you can spill your heart out to?
Mom, Girt, Mazzy, and Tez I'm all comfortable doing that with.
Your ex shows up randomly at your house, what do you say?
None of them know where I live, soooo that would be concerning.
Is there a person that you would do absolutely anything and everything for?
No; I wouldn't kill someone just because my mom asked me to.
Does sex mean love?
Definitely not for everyone, but I would only do it with someone I love.
What was the last thing you posted on Instagram?
A picture of the Mira plush I mentioned earlier.
Do you consider yourself a nature person?
Absolutely, but I wish I could spend more time in it. Hyperhidrosis is NOT fun and dehydrates you so fast with severity like mine, and plus my legs still have healing to do before I can be outside without a place to sit nearby.
Will you keep your last name when you get married?
No.
Do you like fish or chicken more?
Chicken, I don't like fish.
What scares you more: snakes or spiders?
Out of the two, a spider is more likely to scare me. I love snakes, but I'd obviously be alarmed if I like, suddenly noticed a rattlesnake beside me. I'm still getting comfortable with spiders, though of course my FAVORITE spiders are the ones everyone's scared of haha, tarantulas. I'm more scared of things like funnelwebs, the smaller guys that have bites that will kill the shit outta you real fuckin fast.
Do you think that texting on a date is rude?
Unless it's an important text, yes, especially early on when you're getting to know each other.
What’s your favorite memory with your last ex?
Showing up at her house on her birthday when she had no idea whatsoever it was happening. Parents brought her into their room as a distraction for me to go into hers and just sit at her desk; her face lit the fuck up when she saw me, and it definitely hurts to remember, because that was genuine joy. I don't regret ending our friendship (it was already over), but I regret how I went about it.
What is the oldest online account that you still use?
Uh probably my primary deviantART. Or Facebook? idk
Have you ever had Christmas carolers come to your house and sing for you?
No, I'd absolutely hate that.
What country does your favorite band hail from?
Ozzy's from Britain, Rammstein are from Germany.
What’s the worst thing about being male/female (whichever you are)?
The prejudice that comes with having a uterus, add on that the government is super into controlling YOUR fucking body part.
What is your favorite documentary?
The Meerkats from 2008, everything about it is fucking beautiful, I consider it a favorite movie beside TLK.
Who crosses your mind the most?
Girt.
Ever got stitches?
Yes, in my chin when I fell right on it and got a concussion, and then after my cyst removal surgery.
If Hogwarts was a real school would you attend?
Because it would celebrate the work of a raging transphobe, hell no. This woman has LITERALLY said that it's her fucking income that is enough validation for her, I'm not engaging in a damn thing related to her.
Do you like fireworks?
They're pretty, but I'm against their usage because of how often the remains just turn into litter, they're a fire hazard, and above all they can be a trauma trigger to people and even kill small animals with how fucking scared they get.
Is respect given or earned with you?
I give everyone a baseline level of respect which will grow or shrink depending on you.
Are you any good with Photoshop?
I think I'm decent, but I am absolutely no pro, there's tons of stuff idk how to do.
The political spectrum. Where do you fall?
Somewhere on the left, idk my exact label.
Do you use a top sheet?
No, they annoy me more than anything.
Do you know what any of your close friends did yesterday afternoon?
Girt's my best friend, and Mom and I went with him and his family to lunch at Red Robin for Mother's Day. Neither of us had ever been there before, and I was really impressed, but way more than anything I just liked being together as a family, I don't see his enough, and I even got to meet his best childhood friend finally.
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Say Yes Maybe?
Pairing : Jungkook x Reader
Genre : Lovers to soulmates, lots of fluff!!!
Rating : 18+
Summary - It's Jungkooks birthday and a plan for a mini vacation is on. It has to be the best birthday ever and you were planning to make it the even more memorable.
The boys were supposed to back today from their tour after a long long time and i had missed him a million much, It was hard him not being around. It was hard to sleep with the empty bedside when i knew he would be right there most of the times to wake me or rather smother me with the best kisses- My Kookie.
I wrote a one-shot for first time, hope you like it, please do let me know your feedbacks would mean a lot.
Though this year marked a different beginning for me as i was sure of one thing i wanted to make this birthday the best for him. I had a surprise trip planned ahead for Jungkook. I had figured it out with Namjoon in accordance with their dates and i was going to surprise him at the airport.
I was waiting in the private lounge when i got the arrived text message from namjoon. Somehow they walked cluelessly and Jungkook froze the second he saw me, he couldn't absolute figure what i was doing at the airport in a private lounge. Namjoon smiled at me and tapped him on the back- Have fun buddy. Everyone gave me a teasing wink and left.
Jungkook was beyond amazed and he just kept staring which made me chuckle. "Baby what are you doing here?" and what's all this? What were those looks for?" He couldn't help but just ambush me with his questions. "Kookie relax I'm not kidnapping you." I said.
"That doesn't answer my question though." He sulked. We are going somewhere. I tried giving him a hint. There was a gleam in his eyes ."Where?" he asked with an amused look in his eyes. "Maybe i am whisking you away for your birthday?" I asked is that information enough for you as of now kookie? I asked innocently.
I let the destination remain a secret for now enveloping his boarding passes in a sticker so he couldn't figure where we were headed. It was a short flight considering he flew non stop for 18 hours but it was only a short while that we reach our destination to give him the surprise of his life.
It was two years since we started dating and it was an absolute roller coaster ride with kookie, There was never a dull day with him around and he made sure of that even when he was away. Of course we had our share of ups and downs but again it was normal to happen. But there was nothing Jungkook's kisses couldn't fix.
It was almost evening when we reached our destination. He went running like a excited child ready to explore whatever was thrown at him and you enjoyed watching him. We stepped out of the airport he dropped the bag he was carrying signing a no way with those doe eyes, All i could was smile at this bunny of my boyfriend- "Welcome to Milan, My love"
It was like a dream come true to me i always wanted a road trip and with man of my dreams and now i happened to have both of that and i knew i wanted to make this the most special birthday of his life, one which will be a fond memory to both of us. We checked in to the hotel to rest for the night before we left for our road trip.
It was so good to be with Jungkook finally, to feel his arms wrapped around me while we stood gazing at the window, Or his hands that cleaned me when we had shower together. We cuddled like nobody's business and fell asleep in each others arms tired yet content to be each others arms for the night. Just our kind of night.
The next morning was a fresh start since we just waited for our breakfast while a ride arrived honking infront of the bnb. I gave our copy of documents to the person and looked at the beauty of the car, she was an vintage beauty but very gorgeous. "Baby this is umm really sweet was all Jungkook could manage before he pulled me into a bear hug.
We drove through the countryside in Piacenza, It was a beautiful place by with open farms, picturesque villages with a typical rustic northern Italy atmosphere. We just grabbed something to eat and left on our way. It was a sight to watch Jungkook's hair in the wind looked like a sight i would die for.
I clicked as many impromptu candid, Fake candid's of him when he tried to pout in most of them, But i wasn't at fault either, Why would you hold back if you have a muse like ? He was such a sweetheart and his excitement had me bubbling inside, This guy had me falling in love with him more and more.
We stopped at Cinque Terre for the night, and god damn that place, i was speechless once i saw the place while i booked it online. It was a rustic cottage stay by the beach. It was beautifully laid out in the landscapes of olives, and wild flowers. The night was spent drinking wine lots and lots of it and some wild love making. I'm sure everyone around must have heard it.
I woke up to the sound of water gushing, and an empty bedside. I wore his shirt and just peeped in from the balcony, There was the man washing the car, Jungkook looked like a sin washing the car shirtless with a track, almost wet hair and those abs that flexed whenever he stretched to wipe the surface.
This man was going to be the death of me. I called him casually, he came running to me, "Good morning beautif.. Before he could complete i crashed him to the wall and kissed him which well ended up in a lot of heated make out and a lot of morning sex. "It was the fucking carwash isn't it?" He said grinning from ear to ear. "Nope, It was the shirtless Jungkook, hair wet and the abs." I chimed. He froze to the detailed description before pulling me in to smother his Jungkook kisses.
We drove through the Pisa had our share of touristy vibe of the leaning tower of Pisa before we headed to San Milato in the Tuscan countryside. It was supposed to be three days on the road before it was time for Jungkook's birthday and i had certain plans to celebrate so we had to make sure we had to reach Naples.
It was finally his birthday eve and we spent the night in the calmness by the sea a bonfire some marshmallows and some cake which happened to be utilized in a lot of other ways later. "Happy birthday baby" I said as we laid on the sands for the night.
It was in the evening, i had planned a surprise for him at the private beach by the hotel, It was more of a candle light celebration with some music and a dance maybe with the most handsome and hottest man in this world Jeon Jungkook.
It was after the celebration that we sat on the cliff by the sea with some dim lighting which were making the view even more beautiful. I sat with him with my head on his shoulder and hands intertwined in his. "Baby this is the most beautiful birthday ever, Thankyou for just bringing me here with you so unexpectedly, Thankyou for the amazing time we had and for everything. I love you doll, I just wish the time freezes here forever with you right here next to me." He said almost in tears.
"Then make it, I said taking my cue to ask what i wanted to right since the first day i started planning this trip. "As in?" He questioned.
"Jungkook i don't know how to say this without scaring you away, but i think I've fallen in love with you beyond anything and it would be the best thing in this whole fucking world to wake up next to you, grow old with you just tolerate those lame jokes you make, just drool over you the way i do, and let you convince me for anything with those puppy eyes for the rest of my life. Jeon Jungkook Will you marry me please?" I completed getting down on one knee for the man of my life.
He stood there frozen at his place and it almost made me think he was going to say no, my world was spinning right next to my eyes and i managed to control a sob. "kookie you don't have to answer me just yet if you don't-- He swiped me off the ground hugging me "Yes baby yes.... I am the luckiest person you know", He said with a sparkle in his eyes. I took out the box i got from my purse with his name engraved on it. "Baby where do i go for a ring" he whined. "Its okay baby i can have mine when we go back."
The next two days were spent in holding hands, making love, visiting historical places and driving by the countryside eating pizza, drinking wine, going all touristy before it was time to go back home to getting back to people who i badly wanted to celebrate with. Celebrate me and my kookie, celebrate US!!!
#bts jeon jungkook#jeon jungkook#jk headers#jk icons#jk gifs#jungkook fanfic#jungkook smut#jungkook fluff#proposal#roadtrip#milan#bts imagines#bts scenarios#bts scene#jungkook imagine#jungkook scenarios#bts x you
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Afterglow (A Bucky Barnes AU fan fiction) - Chapter 14
Afterglow chapters
Pairing: Bucky Barnes x reader
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
"So, princess, who was that guy you guys were with last night? One of Bucky's rich friends?" Nat asked as soon as she saw you sitting alone in the booth. You stared at the red cushion in front of you and said:
"He kissed me." You whispered. "Bucky kissed me last night."
"Holy shit." She ran so quickly towards the booth that you thought you saw red and yellow streaks behind her, like The Flash. She occupied the empty space in front of you. "Tell me everything. Everything. I want all the scoop. Aaaall of it."
And that you did.
You fed Nat what she'd wanted to hear. From the way Bucky spun you around, to how hot you felt when your bodies collided, to the fiery passion embedded in your short kiss, to how it felt like it lasted forever, to how he tasted in your mouth, to how you savored every inch of his hot breath, to how his veiny hands pulled your waist into his, lips still tangling, to how his face felt so warm in your hands, and finally, to a sleeping devil awakening inside you.
As you told Nat every little detail of your passionate kiss, she looked at you in awe but all you saw through her dark irises was the silhouette of me and Bucky as you kissed last night, with the thousand city lights just outside the window. It would've been the perfect first kiss anyone could have; that you could have.
"Not gonna lie," she said, tucking her chin under her palm, "the way you describe it was so cheesy but wow, that was so romantic. Spontaneous kisses are so romantic. Did you also feel sparks just flying all around you?"
You grinned, still admiring the silhouette you kept seeing in her eyes. "Now who's the cheesy one?"
"You did, didn't you?"
"I don't even know if there are sparks, like, how do you even feel it?"
She shrugged. "You just feel it, I guess. Maybe it's like with people who can taste a number or a word."
"Synesthesia?"
"Yes, that. Maybe it's like that. Who knows? Romance is an enigma. You can't really explain it but you can feel it."
"Huh, maybe there was." You whispered, watching you and Bucky move your lips against each other. The picture was getting bigger now. "I've never really felt that with anybody. You should've felt my heart, Nat. I thought I was going to have a fucking heart attack."
"If you did, at least you would've died kissing a hot guy." She laughed.
"God, it felt so good. He... he felt so good." You said, ignoring her comment. "It also felt, somehow, right. I thought it was gonna feel wrong but it felt so right. Shit, is it too soon to say that?"
"Did you sleep with him?"
"No."
"Then, it's too soon." She answered. "And what the hell, if that make-out session was so hot, what did you guys do after?"
"Nothing. He went to Peter's room to sleep, then I went mine."
"That's it?"
"And then we kissed again this morning."
"And you still didn't have sex?" She hissed. You shook your head no. "Oh for fuck's sakes. I know he's not that old but he's fucking slow. Anyway, you guys kissed again this morning... So, how did that go?"
Oh god, this morning.
With the images of me and Bucky stuck in your head last night, you couldn't even bring yourself to a good night's sleep. All you could think of was how badly — badly you wanted to march in that room, throw yourself onto him, and have his soft lips against yours; you wanted it so badly that you kept pacing back and forth right in front of his (Peter's) room but then decided against it. And then the rest of the night, you wondered if he did the same, or even thought about it.
You woke up with a smile on your face and what you would usually hate in the mornings, you found pleasant. The hummingbirds on the trees sounded like angels sent from heaven, harmonizing with the knocking against your window, and the sun, although nearly blinding your eyes, gave you a sign that today was going to be a good day, if not, then a better day than the days you’ve had. Then you got up, staring at the busy street ahead, thankful you didn't have to go through that, then went towards the bathroom. You opened the door, and just your luck, Bucky was standing in front, his mouth slightly agape at the sight of you.
"Good morning, beautiful." He said, nearly whispered.
"H-hi." was all you could muster, bewildered at the sight of his blue eyes, the same color of that of the high seas, washing over you. "I was about to, uh, go wash up."
"Right, right of course. Go ahead." He stepped aside, giving me space to walk into.
As soon as you were done washing up, you turned around, opened the door, and lo and behold... Bucky.
"Oh wow, it's like, one of those game shows," Nat interrupted, "you pick a door, they open the door then you get your prize."
You chuckled. "Oh, Natasha. You're so weird."
"So... did you get your prize?"
"Nat!"
"What? It was right there!"
And the answer was yes, you did.
Because as soon your eyes met, he wrapped his arms around you and wasted no time finding your lips. You threw your arms around his neck, elbows on his strong, broad shoulder for support. This time, you opened your mouth wider, allowing his tongue inside of you. A moan escaped your lips. The taste of minty mouthwash sitting on your tongue, and overlapping his.
"Wow," you pulled away, grinning, "Hi."
"Hello, doll."
"Hi, good morning."
"Okay, I'm gonna need you to shut up 'cause I'm still not done with you."
"Oh, okay — "
"Not another word, doll."
You opened your mouth to say some more, curious what he'd do if you continued to speak but no words came out; only his tongue coming in first in your mouth. He lifted your body so easily towards the couch, never letting your lips detach. He laid you down, your head landing on a throw pillow, and he hovered over your body.
"And then his phone rang." You groaned.
"Ugh, what a cockblocker." Nat mirrored. "And who the hell calls at seven in the morning?"
"He had some business emergency. He told me he could stay but I urged him to go."
"Why the hell would you do that? You were about to get some." Nat searched your face for some answers. Younavoided her gaze. "Oh, I know. You got cold feet."
"I think so." You replied, nodding and biting your lower lip.
"Please don't tell me this is about Peter. Honey, you're not betraying anyone if you sleep with Bucky or date him. How many times do I have to tell you that?"
"I know, I know." You sighed. "Surprisingly, that's not why. Gosh, I haven't even thought about Peter. But yeah, he's definitely not the reason."
Nat stared at you for what felt like forever. "How long?" She finally spoke.
You frowned. "How long the what?"
"How long since your last?"
You paused and thought about it for a moment. "A little over a year."
Nat's eyes almost jumped out of her sockets. "Over a year? Jesus, it's like you're a virgin again. I could never last that long."
"Of course, you won't." You replied. "That's why you went with Steve."
She scoffed. Now, it was her turn to avoid any eye contact she may have with you. "I don't know what you're talking about."
"Please. He imprinted his scent on you like a freaking werewolf."
"I don't know what you mean."
"Have you never seen Twilight?" You rolled your eyes. "Deny all you want but it won't change the fact that I could smell Steve on you a mile away."
"Ugh, I thought we were being so secretive." She placed her forehead on the wooden table.
"Then stop having sex at his office."
"We don't — "
"You come in smelling like you, then you come out there smelling like him. It's not rocket science." You shrugged. "How do you even do it there? It's so cramped and full of papers."
"How did we go from talking about your sex life to mine? Let's get back to you."
"There's nothing to talk about." You sighed. "I barely have one."
"The more we have to talk about it." She smirked. "So, who was your last and why was it your last?"
Nat could be so straightforward at times. You didn't know if you liked that about her or not.
"I don't know. Some random guy I met online, and I just wasn't interested in anybody after that, and I have no plans on having a long-term boyfriend then. Or even a girlfriend."
"Why not?"
"My ex-boyfriend wasn't that good to me and I guess I haven't felt anything romantic or... I don't know just something." You replied. "Until Bucky."
Nat leaned back on the booth. "Huh."
"What?"
"I just realized I don't know much about you." She shrugged.
"Nat, we weren't really friends back then; more like acquaintances. But you're here almost everyday now, thanks to Steve."
"We should go out soon, y'know." She said, clearly ignoring your last comment. "Just the two of us and hang out like real friends do."
"Sure, why not." You grinned.
"Anyway, back to you," she continued, "y'know sex is like riding a bike. Once you hop on to him, it'll get to you. And then you ride him into oblivion."
You couldn't help but giggle. "God, you and Steve must have some pretty kinky sex."
"Hey, what happens there," she pointed at Steve's office, "stay there. But what happens between you and Bucky? Should stay with me."
You let out a small huff. "Don't count on it."
"You're gonna sleep with him one way or another, maybe fall in love, who knows?"
"Okay, sleep with him — yeah, sure but fall in love with him? That's a bit of a stretch, Nat. Now, that's too soon."
"I didn't mean now!" She said defensively. "And again, don't speak too soon. Remember when you told me you'd never kiss him 'cause it feels like betraying Peter?"
"Uh-huh."
"Case in point." She smirked, resting her feet on the table. "Just flow where the river takes you. Don't think too much about it. Do what you feel."
The door opened briskly, revealing Steve with his signature denim on denim attire. He looked at you, a feigned confusion crossing his face. "Y/n, you're not supposed to be here."
You tilted your head. "I'm sorry, are you gonna have sex in the bar?"
"Y/n!" Nat reached across the table and slapped your hand.
"Jesus, woman. Don't worry your secret's safe with me."
"That's not what I meant." Steve nervously chuckled. "You have to go to the rooftop. Now."
"Wait," You paused, "you're serious."
"Yes, I am, and you need to go now."
Before you could even ask Steve what you were supposed to do on the rooftop, he was shoving you right towards the door and slamming it in front of your face, kicking you out of his bar. You brought your fist on the door, pounding it, yelling for Steve to let me in. The bastard did open the door only his head was out, looking like a floating body-less ghost.
"Um, hello?"
He flashed you a smile. "Hi!"
"Rogers, what the hell?"
"Just go, y/n. You're running out of time."
"What are you talking about? What the hell is going on?"
"Just do as I say. No questions asked. Goodbye. I'll see you tomorrow."
And with that, Steve slammed the door on your face for the second time that day in a span of two minutes. You let out a scoff and kicked the door, stomping your way towards the apartment, then climbing up the rooftop while thinking of a hundred ways to murder Steve Rogers. But those thoughts soon dissipated, seeing Bucky emerge from a white cottony teepee tent which was sitting perfectly in the middle.
He turned around, your eyes meeting each other. He was wearing a black wool buttoned cardigan, a black shirt inside, tucked in a pair of skinny jeans. He strode towards you, grabbed your face and planted a kiss on your lips.
"Hey," he breathed as he pulled away, "you made it just in time."
You bit your lower lip. "What did you do this time, Bucky?"
"I felt bad leaving you like that earlier this morning so I thought I'd make it up to you." He walked closer and held out his hand. "Come on, doll."
You grinned, placing your hand on top of his and letting him walk you towards the front of the tent overlooking the city — just like last time. The inside of the white tent was big enough for two people (at least). On the ground were a pile of blankets and pillows, and unlit hanging lights on its pointed roof. Upon the pile of blankets was a take-out plastic from a Chinese place.
"Sorry, I only know how to cook breakfast so I got us Chinese." Bucky said whilst sitting down. "Come sit." He said, patting a space on the blankets. You did as he told you to, and was handed a little Chinese take-out box. "I hope you like orange chicken."
"Are you kidding me? I love Chinese food." You said while taking it from him.
"Good, good." He said, opening his.
You looked back at the space behind you, admiring how beautifully messy it all was. Then as your eyes went up towards the hanging lights, a memory took place right before your eyes.
"Remember that thing you said about the hanging lights?" Bucky asked, following your gaze. You sheepishly nodded. "Well, I thought today was the right time to put them up."
You bit your lip, looking at him. "So, this is a date."
"Is that okay?"
"Bucky, we've already made out twice in less than twenty-four hours." You giggled. "I think it's only appropriate, but you should've asked me first, y'know. On my way up here, I was already planning on how to kill Steve for kicking me out the bar."
"Yeah, I called in a favor to Mr. Rogers. I'm glad he agreed." He laughed, popping an egg roll in his mouth. "I apologize for not asking you out on a date formally but in my defense, I like being spontaneous in hopes of whisking you off your feet."
You hummed. "You're not quite there yet, Mr. Barnes. You're gonna have to try harder."
"Challenge accepted."
A gasp came out of your mouth as soon as the sunset hues appeared above, like a painting coming to life. You drowned out the noises from below, and listened to the whistling of the cold wind.
"I know you miss watching the sunset." Bucky started.
"Thank you, Bucky." You smiled. "This is a breath of fresh air."
You stopped blinking for a moment, eyes glazed over the sun about to be cradled by darkness, and then for a brief moment, the afterglow lingered — the remaining radiance in the skies before the night takes over; for a brief moment, your heart stopped.
"Wow." You breathed, watching the moon come up. "I haven't seen that for a very long time."
"Neither have I." Bucky replied. "But the magic doesn't stop there." He turned to his side and flicked a switch, the hanging lights coming to life.
"God, this is so cheesy." You commented, shaking your head at Bucky.
He smirked, planting a kiss on your cheek. "Now, it's a date."
You sat there side by side, enjoying the Chinese take-out Bucky had gotten for the both of you, as he asked you questions about your life before New York — the classic first date stuff. You teased him, "Is this what you usually do with other girls?"
"Doll," he chuckled in a low tone, "I don't do this to other girls."
You set down your chopsticks and faced him. "So tell me, what do you usually do on first dates?"
He laughed. "Well, for starters I wouldn't do all this on a first date — or any date for that matter. It's usually just one date and then it's pretty much over."
"How so?"
"Because I don't plan on keeping them around for too long," He shrugged, swallowing his food before continuing to speak, "because they're not interesting enough for me."
Well, am I Bucky? was what you wanted to ask but you repressed yourself from doing so. "If they're not, what do you guys talk about on dates?"
"Boring work stuff. Nothing I've never heard before." He replied. "How about you?"
You snickered. "Oh god, I don't even remember the last date I've been on. But, I guess, it's just the normal stuff. I ask him about himself, and his family. That's pretty much it."
He hummed, nodding to himself as he lifted an orange chicken to his mouth. "So, how come you haven't remembered the last date you've been on?"
You squinted your eyes, looking out of nowhere. "Let's just say it wasn't much of a date."
Bucky frowned, confused, until the realization dawned on him. "Oh, you mean — "
"Yep." You nodded along. "I'm not proud of it. I just wanted to feel something, I guess."
"Did you?"
"God, no." You scoffed. "Meaningless, is what it was."
Under the bright luminescent lights hanging in the tent, you talked about past relationships. Bucky with his unending parade of girls, and yours with a decent number of people (yes, guys and girls), not exceeding twenty. Unlike Bucky, his were just one night stands and short flings, while you, in those number of people you’ve been with, fell in love with one and had your heart shattered into pieces by the same jerk back in college.
"If you don't mind me asking..."
"He... Well, he," You paused, wriggling out of his stare, "he became pretty abusive."
"Oh, I'm so sorry."
"He also cheated on me," you said, "with my sister."
Here, you met his eyes — his wide, unblinking eyes. "Are you kidding me — with your sister?"
"My sister visited me in college once and they bumped into each other somewhere. She didn't know he was my boyfriend, they hooked up, and then when we met for dinner that same night, all hell went loose."
He frowned, shaking his head. "I'm really sorry to hear that."
"It's okay." You shrugged. "I punched him right after. That felt good."
He smirked, nodding his head. "Attagirl."
From there, Bucky asked you about your family, your life before New York. Comfortable enough to tell him about your past, you did. You told him about the afflictions of being the middle child growing up, about how you’ve almost ran away from home back in high school, about how your parents constantly badgered you to continue the family business, about how you wanted to chase some silly dream in New York, about how you got cut off by your family, and about how you left them all behind for a new life in New York. You were pretty much close to a definition of an orphan — which you shouldn't have said in front of Bucky.
And then he asked you about Peter and how you met, and how you did back in college.
"That must've been hard." He commented. "Having three guys as your roommates."
"Are you kidding me? I was more of a man than all of them combined." You scoffed. "But yeah, they all sucked. Anyway, that's a lot about me. Let's move on to you." You set down your take-out boxes, seeing that you already done eating. You grabbed the bottle of water, quenching your thirst. "What's your story, old man?"
"We're gonna go with that? Really?"
"Yes, really."
"Come on, you know all about me. Didn't Peter tell you about all those stories about me?"
"You know that's not what I'm talking about, Bucky."
"Let's save that conversation for the next dates to come." He winked, finishing his food.
"Let's see if you're ever going to get a second date from me." You teased. "Depends on how this night will come to an end."
"Then, I'll make this one a date you will never forget."
You smirked. "Your move, old man."
"Challenge accepted."
#bucky barnes story#bucky barnes#bucky barnes fanfiction#bucky barnes x reader#bucky barnes x y/n#bucky barnes x you#bucky x y/n#bucky barnes au#bucky barnes fan fiction#bucky barnes fic#Bucky x reader#Bucky AU#james barnes#james buchanan bucky barnes#james bucky barnes#Bucky x you#Bucky story#bucky x female reader#bucky barnes smut#bucky fanfic#bucky fluff
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Act 1: While We’re Young
Chapter 5
Erik ‘Killmonger’ Stevens x Black OC
(Unedited.)
Tuesday
January 10th 2005
Last night was the only night I'm allowing myself to cry over him and his 'return'. What good would it do me? No, I was gonna take Erik and whatever he had to throw at me by storm.
Waking up the next day, I feel refreshed. Like a brand new person with a more positive mindset. Today I had 3 classes and I'm determined to have a good Erik free day.
That whole Erik free thing went out the window as soon as I got to my first class.
Double O Computer Programming 1 was a junior class, however I'd taken it during the summer during my first year at UC Berkeley. DOCP 2 wouldn't be available until next semester but I needed to have a class since this was my first year on the actual campus. Thankfully Miss Hill really needed a T.A and the fact that I could help with an algorithm that tied into thermal nuclear astrophysics had her sold.
Right after I finished taking attendance, she barely got a word out before the door swung open revealing Erik as our late comer. I quickly glanced at the sheet in front of me, scanning for his name. I was so use to calling him N’dajaka when we were kids, I completely skipped over ‘Erik Stevens’. I huffed rolling my eyes, arms crossed over my chest. His timbs were the only thing heard shuffling across the room making hid way toward the front of the class. Wordlessly he handed Miss Hill before his eyes were on me. They scanned me from top to bottom, before locking with me a smug grin on his lips.
"Hey Lona," my jaw dropped.
Before I could get out a word, Miss Hill opened her mouth, looking up from the paper he handed her.
"Welcome Erik, sorry for the confusion."
"It's all good," he shrugged.
"Im Miss Hill, and I see you already know my aid. As I explained to the class prior to taking attendance, If I'm unavailable feel free to email or call her during the hours listed on the sheet." She is then took a sheet from me and handed him to me. "Other than that, find a seat."
He nodded pretending look over the sheet before averting his gaze back on me.
"I'm definitely gon do that."
Fuck my life right?
Well, Erik just so happened to be in the Calculus class I skipped two days ago. I thank God my record was squeaky clean and Mr. Kennedy accepted my poor excuse before I was quickly reminded the man upstairs has a sense of humor as the only available seat was next to Erik.
"The person next to you will be your partner for the remainder of the semester so let's take the next 15 minutes getting know one another hmm?." Mr. Kennedy instructed.
I couldn't suppress the groan that slipped as Erik casually leaned back in his chair, examining me.
"You heard the man, get to know me."
"I know all I need this know about you Erik."
"Oh so I'm Erik now? Like that?" He spoke cool, calm, and collected like our exchanged was normal.
I gripped my pencils tight, my knee bouncing up and down my body tense.
"Let me set things straight now. We don't need to talk to one another. If it doesn't have anything to do with any of the classes we take together, don't want to hear it. When you see me act like you don't know me. We clear?"
The expression on his face was unreadable before his lip twitched slight him responding.
"Crystal."
Wednesday
January 24th, 2005
It had been two weeks since Erik showed up here.
Ok that's a lie.
Apparently this man has been here. And to top it off, this mans name was in every bitch mouth like the second coming of Jesus Christ. From what I've observed though, he doesn't say much, or gives any of these broads much attention. He don't say much in general actually, he's really good at blending in. He got that laid back, mysterious, bad boy vibe going for him and these females out here hella into that.
But when he opens his mouth, that cocky bastard sure knows how to disrupt my entire soul at least while we're in class.
Outside of class though, he acts like I'm invisible.
It was like he never knew me. And honestly, I don't know how to feel about it. I know that's what I said I wanted but it bothers me just the same.
Today in particular though, he argued me down during our Calculus class. We had one problem to figure out before we could leave class today. You and your partner were supposed agree on the answer, and heaven forbid he just agree with me so we can get out of here. Math was always my subject when we were kids, nothing has changed. I was damn near about to say fuck it when he started laughing.
What in the entire fuck it so funny?" I was fuming.
"You," he shook his head. "You really hella mad."
"Um, YES!" I damn near shouted fed up. "You literally been tryna convince me it's 5 when it's-"
"Chill. I know the answer is 3 girl. C'mon, let's go." So smoothly he closed the book, grabbed his bag and headed to the front.
I was so upset, I had to let him do all the talking when it came to explain to the teacher I'll answer and how we got there. I know I open my mouth I wasn't going to say anything nice.
"Girl what crawled up your ass and died?" Donise questioned with a stank look as we sat at one of the benches outside of the library.
"Yeah What did Erik do now," I could hear teasing in Tatiana's tone so I flipped her off.
Only giving a brief explanation, I went on a mini rant about what happened in class 20 minutes ago. Donise's thought it was funny, while Tati just shook her head.
"I still can't believe it him," Tatianna glanced as a group of guys from across the quad headed our way, Erik included.
"Yes, and I wish it wasn't."
Tatianna was the first real friend I made in a while. I was actually tutoring her online for a while before she found out I was 4 years younger than her. Our friendship started off as a trade. I was her tutor and she both convinced and enrolled in a mentor program to help me with my social skills. I didn't speak to anyone much when Erik left, but I got into a lot of fights. According to the school counselor I was taking out my anger and abandonment issues on.I have meds to tame the anger, and while I haven't had to take them in a while Eric definitely bring that anger out of me.
"Girl that's just sexual tension. You got to fuck all that out." Ashley put in her unwanted two cents.
"Trust me when I tell you on God it isn't."
"Well if you out to holla, then trust and believe I will." She tossed her hair over her shoulder
I didn't really mess with Ashley like that, but she was Tati's frat sister which made them 'friends'. That little thot pocket will screw anything with legs, D, and a pulse and I'm not bout that life. Plus she messy as fuck and I don't trust her as far as I can throw her.
"I don't doubt it," I smirked as Donise said exactly what I was thinking.
Donise was coo' though, I meet her when I first got here 2 months ago. Believe It or not she was apart of the welcome comity for MIT and turned out her and Tatiana were already friends. Once she figured out who I was, I was shot to the front line during registration and everything.
"Anyways, y'all going Ant and them party tomorrow?" Ashley questioned probably tryna bum a ride.
"What party?"
"The Que's," Donise answered. "The dudes with Erik are frat."
Now this was news to me. I met most of them before but I had no idea there were in a sorority. Examining them, I guess it all made sense. Most in the clique sported some sort of purple and yellow lanyard either around their neck or on their keychain that hung from their jean pocket as if they wanted everybody to know who they were. Which I wouldn't doubt.
"Ladies! What we chattin about?" Moses questions every bit of his thick English accent tapering off every word.
"Our plans for mañana," Tati answered l
"Word. Y'all coming to the party tomorrow?" Jay spoke playing with a few strands of Donise's curls.
"Tomorrow? It's Thursday." I said confused. "Ain't there class the next day?"
"What's the matter, you can't hang?" I glared at Jay, knowing he was only chastising me because him and Erik were close, according to Tati.
I swear to God men gossip more than women do. Rolling my eyes I spared Erik a glance and he looked like he was waiting on me to respond.
"Oh, I can definitely hang."
I couldn't hang.
Around midnight I was in the bathroom throwing up everything, damn near hug in the toilet as my surrounding looks so blurry and I can barely function. Im not sure when I'd finally finished, but I could feel someone picks me up and out the bathroom and soon everything goes blurry and then black.
Tag list: @kitesatforestp @xsweetdellzx @justgetitoverwith0 @letsshamelessqueen-m @cmkcolove @readingaddict1290
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I hate coming down to dinner with my family. One, its so awkward for me. I'd rather bring my food up to my room and eat there. I cam bring the plate back down amd wash it and all, but my mom says its "'Family time' the only time all of us get to be together."
Two, I'd rather not have my parebts listen in on what me and sister talk about when they're mostly just quiet or just talk to each other. I just can't.
Idgaf. I want to be alone in my room. Listen to my music and have a good cry over all my thoughts. Mostly of how worthless I am. How I have no idea what the fuck is going to happen to me when I leave home. I am a couple years away from needing to move out. I am both excited and terrified. Excitted that I would finally have a home all to myself. No bratty little brother or parents to barge through my door. But terrified of the world outside.
My social anxiety is absolutely terrible that I have lost touch with a lot of friends. I want to make more but I just can't seem to know how. I can't bring myself to try and join in any conversations. They talk about K-Pop and Anime, and I'm just at my desk awkwardly doodling gay people. I know they joke about it but I'm worried that they'll get too judgemental about it if I try and introduce them to some of my hyperfixiations.
If not irl friends, than maybe I could make some online? I can't bring myself to type either. I probably take too long to decide what to respond with that I accidentally chicken out and leave them on read.
I once made a friend. I checked up and chatted to them for like a week but then never again. Maybe its because we're both introverts and have no clue how to start a conversation. I accidentally abandon them and I feel absolutely terrible. I want to apologize for not talking to them in months but I'm not sure what their time zone is and I don't want to accidentally barage their Dms at 3 am.
I wish I could improve myself but Im far too deep in my shell of insecurities I can barely open my mouth to ask for help.
I know I shouldn't feel ashamed for feeling this way, and theres no need to be embarassed about it. But I just can't.
I feel too terrified to burden anyone. I'm too scared to open up and then suddenly get sent to a mental hospital.
I think I've told you guys about how my parents found out I was Bi before an lectured me. And they managed to wring in religious stuff into it. It really pained me so badly at how they reacted. They called me out right there at the same fucking dining table. It was humiliating and terrifying.
And they had the audacity to wonder why I don't show them my art anymore. Like lol, I've become way fruitier and portray them more in my doodles. I'd rather not get my ear chewed on and you can just save your fucking breath homophobic pricks.
---
If you're wondering where this came from, its because I have to follow my family to go Karaoke and I'm anxious about getting sensory overload.
I've never had one but I jumped out my skin when a door was slammed by the wind while I was praying. My heart skipped a beat and it was trying very desperately to escape my fucking ribcage I think I almost choked on air.
I don't want to break down out of nowhere because of the loud noises. I've always hated loud places thats why I don't go out anymore. Not even my room. The only loud noises will be coming from my earphones to drown out the other noises.
If I break down they'll be pretty weirded out and it'll be so fucking awkward with my parents and siblings just starring at me with possibly annoyance and confussion. Then I'd be told to wait outside. Im fine with just waiting outside with my own music. I just don't want them to end it so quickly and then blame it on my dumbass for returning home earlier.
I don't want to blamed for every little thing.
I hate how they're so hyped about it and I'm just here hating how my vocal chords are this way. I wish I could go mute. But then they'll be pretty confused on why I'm way quieter than usual.
I really don't want to go but wish me luck I guess... good god please kill me.
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25.21%
I've been sober for 3 months today. 92 days. 25.21% of 2021.
I could've posted more updates, more milestones (it took a LOT not to post on Day 69) but I wanted to kind of save it up for a Big Day. It was also a decent way to continue to incentivize my continued sobriety: a full pass to do a shameless, hardcore bragging sesh.
Anyway, this post comes in 2 parts: the TL;DR for those who only want the gist, then more in depth on my ability to stay sober, the lasting effects of rehab, etc.
I tried my damnedest to pare this absolute novel down, but it's long, so feel free to dip out if you just get bored. Onward!
TL;DR: I went to rehab the beginning of July for 3 weeks and haven't had a drop of alcohol since. I've lost weight, I'm more healthy, my daily anxiety level went from 8 to 2, I haven't had an anxiety attack in 3 months, and everything generally just seems... easier. My memory and concentration have improved. I've been productive and I've been meditating every day. I'm saving money, and while I sometimes fantasize about getting drunk, that's usually all it is.
Honestly, it's been much easier than I expected, but I think a lot of that is because for the first 3 weeks, the time in which I would usually break down and start drinking again when trying to get sober myself, was spent behind a locked door. So far I haven't had any days where I was close to giving in. I haven't had many days where I've been depressed about it, missing it or really tempted. Maybe 3-4. I've basically just gotten on with my life as if alcohol doesn't exist.
To wrap up the short version for those ready to peace out, I'll leave it with a bit of advice.
I don't feel qualified to give any specific advice, because my story feels very unique to me, and I honestly don't think what worked for me will work for MOST people. Sometimes people spend a year in rehab and still drive straight to the liquor store on their way home.
That said, there's one thing that I've found pretty universally true: you have to really want it. For a while, I floated about without much of a "reason" to stay sober. I don't have a spouse, kids or a job I've been fired from, so I didn't see the point.
It's taken me a while, but after not being "convinced" by a few superficial "reasons" like weight loss and saving money, I thought I needed something more... permanent? Consequential? I now realize that my "reason" for getting sober at a young age after only a few years of alcoholism is that I don't want it to get to a point where I'm hurting other people, drinking myself into multiple lasting health problems... I don't want it to become permanent or consequential.
Anyway, that's my two cents. If you do have something like kids or trouble keeping a job, definitely use that as your reason. But for anyone who's a pretty "functional" alcoholic like I was, "not letting it go on long enough to become disfunctional" is a good enough reason.
This is going to get stupid long, so feel free to walk away now, just glad you read this much and it really does mean the world when people listen to what I have to say.
Now some more things in depth. I'll go in chronological order: what made me get sober, what I took from rehab (and what I left), and how it's been the past few months.
I started drinking when I got kicked out, manic out of my mind and homeless unable to sleep. It took a while until I was able to sleep without alcohol, but by then the addict brain had taken over. I'd tried a few times to get sober myself, but I never made it more than a week without, and always got back to daily drinking after a few months maximum.
Some people need a "wake up call", a "last straw" or a "rock bottom". Something external to make them realize they can't go on as they are. For me, the catalyst was my health, which is more of an internal reason I suppose. I didn't have a heart attack or liver failure, but my anxiety was getting uncontrollable and I knew it was directly tied to my drinking.
My life had been starting to feel tolerable, and I was more financially secure than ever before. Things were looking up... except for the alcoholism. This is a weird analogy but the only one that makes sense to express why, if I was doing so well on paper, I decided to go to rehab: you have to sweep before you mop. If I hadn't been in the place I was, I don't think I would've been successful at rehab. I had to sweep up the cat turds from the floor of my life before I was able to mop up the shit stains with sobriety. I know, I'm a true wordsmith.
When I finally called the hotline that hooked me up with a bunch of different rehabs, I knew I was in for a wait. It was about 5 months from that call to checking in, which isn't too bad considering I've been on the waitlist for a neuropsychiatrist in ALL OF CANADA for 4 years.
That brings us to July 12th, Rehab Day One. I've gone in depth in multiple other posts but to touch on it briefly, if I had to describe my experience in a sentence I'd say "the place I went to got very lucky with me".
What this means is that, of the 5 people in my group, I think this exact program was only ever going to help me. At the same time, I didn't even know what I would need, but this exact program was 90% of it. I didn't think 3 weeks would be long enough, but for me it was. The hours-long, repetitive, basic-ass CBT groups held 5 times a day 7 days a week was absolute torture for everyone but myself. While it was a drag to spend an hour on defining what a cognitive distortion is, the routine and repetition, something I've never gotten out of any outpatient program, helped me to really absorb the information and let it rewire my brain.
I've always said that I'm someone who should be spending an hour a day with a therapist for the rest of my life, and while that's not even remotely feasible, this was as close as it's ever gotten, and it proved me right, because it worked. I've done biweekly therapy for a short time but even that didn't come close to the way my brain changed in those 3 short weeks.
This program required absolute commitment and open-mindedness. This isn't because it was hard work or difficult concepts, but quite the opposite. While I hate the entire concept of art therapy being used as a cure-all for mental illness, I willingly got out of my bed, went downstairs and tried doing a dot mandala for an hour because I'm willing to try anything to get better. A lot of people might think they are, but really aren't. To use the mandala as an example, one guy was really into it, I wasn't, but we both finished. The other 3 tried, messed up a few times, and then scrolled through their phones. When I say this program necessitates complete engagement, that's not a compliment. It shouldn't be a chore to engage with the program. It shouldn't take me actively saying "I know I've known this basic concept since 4th grade, but maybe hearing it again will help" to get something out of a rehab program. So again, in every way, I got lucky, and so did they.
Before I finish with the rehab section, having had a few months to reflect on the whole thing, I now have an endless list of things wrong with it. I arrived, greeted by the most jaded and disillusioned of staff, and quickly became disturbed and at points concerned with just how negligent the staff are.
Maybe it's because I've been on the psych ward where they won't even let you have shoelaces and shine a flashlight on your face every half hour through the night, but it could've been so incredibly easy to sneak in alcohol. I brought 2 full water bottles, fully expecting to have to dump them out upon arrival, but they said "nah it's fine". Is it though?
Then there were actual counsellors there who were... okay. I recall one, the one I thought was the smartest, reading a handout aloud and coming across the word "delve" as in "let's delve into..." and stumbled, then said she doesn't know that word. The room was silent. As she pulled up Google on the screen I said, "it means to dive into it". She Googled it anyway. Synonyms include "dive in". If that was the only example I wouldn't mention it, but this was the first of at least 10 words she had do Google, none past a 10th grade level, from HER OWN MATERIAL. From that point on it became clear that they had no fucking idea what they were doing.
We had one last one-on-one counselling session before we left and the counsellor just filled in boxes to questions on her computer, rephrasing everything I said to fit into the buzzwords and "lessons" we'd "learned". Example. Me: I do think I'm better able to catch myself thinking 'oh I can just have one drink' and say 'no I can't'." Her: "Okay, so would you say that you can recognize negative cognitive distortions like permission-giving thoughts and counter them with a more rational and less emotional mind?" Like girl, blink twice if your boss is holding your family hostage. She gave me some papers, detailing all the online courses they were signing me up for and options for more treatment they'd be sending me, a phone number to call and a phone appointment for the next Monday. I never got that call, the phone number is a hotline, I never got a single email from them, and given how shitty they really are at their jobs, I didn't feel the inclination to try and get those resources. If they even exist in the first place.
In summation, it was a place where it was physically impossible to get alcohol. That's really all I can say in its favor. Oh, and they let you have your cell phone.
Now on our timeline I'm back home. I want to kind of analyze why it's been easy for me.
I often said that my main goal of going to rehab was to lock me away from alcohol long enough for it to reset my brain. Most people thought that was naïve, but that's exactly what happened. But I'm well aware that my experience of "instantly became sober and literally hasn't had a single hard day in 3 months" is absurdly unusual.
I put this down to a few things. Firstly, I'm on seven different meds for my mental health. Almost all of them have their effects dulled or even eliminated when you drink. So when I noticed my mood, fatigue, memory, concentration etc all getting better at once - right about as I left rehab, I don't think it would be a stretch to say that all those meds started working properly.
Secondly, I've been keeping myself busy, but that's something I've always been good at. Now I specifically choose to undertake projects that will eat up a lot my time and put me in a state of flow. I recently made an entire card game from scratch, and let me tell you, I didn't think of alcohol for a week.
Thirdly, my other goals now get in the way of alcohol. I'm getting old and my body is deteriorating. But I've always wanted to do just one last season of gymnastics. Well, I need to lose weight for that to happen. I've already lost 35 pounds, and after another 20 I'll be ready to go. Also, I used to spend more on alcohol per month than rent. Even though I've done a few shopping sprees lately, I haven't come remotely close to how much I was spending before.
I want it more than anything. I want to be sober more than I want one night of "fun" that will more likely than not lead me back to where I was a year ago. I never want to need anything as much as I needed alcohol.
Lastly, just a few more random thoughts.
A lot of people, myself included, worried about the fact that I work at a bar as a cook, but honestly the entire time I'm there I'm thinking about food, not alcohol. If I'm hanging out with some regulars before/after, I can watch them drink and be perfectly fine with my coffee, because the coffee is $2, and I used to spend $20 after every work shift.
I also decided in rehab to start taking better care of myself as best I could. This started with getting my second vax which I'd been putting off, then an eye appointment, then new glasses, then a dentist appointment where I was informed I need to do $3000 worth of work on my implant that's erroding my bone matter, so that sucks, but I caught it early. I've also been meditating every day. In just 3 months, I've made pretty big improvements to my self-care and my daily routine.
One of my fears about sobriety was "missing out" on "having fun". A few days ago, all my housemates got together to play Mario Party, and it was kind of my first night doing something social while sober. It was a breath of fresh air - I wasn't constantly running to piss, I didn't worry about running out of alcohol, I didn't get sloppy and obnoxious as I can sometimes do. I even came very very close to winning my first game of MP. When I reflected on the night, I realized that, if I'd been getting drunk the whole time, I would've sucked at the minigames, been a hindrance to anyone unfortunate enough to be teamed with me, and likely would've stopped caring about the game itself after the first few turns.
Yesterday I was making my 4th pot of coffee of the day when I realized there was a full glass of wine just sitting on the counter. I had absolutely no idea where the hell it came from - nobody in my house drinks wine. I shrugged and poured that sweet sweet bean juice. It was only when I sat down and took a sip of coffee did I find myself thinking automatically, "this tastes so much better than wine". I only realized then that it had been rose wine, the only kind I've ever been able to tolerate. It was the ultimate moment of possible temptation, and the thought of just chugging that glass - as I may've done in the past - didn't even cross my mind.
I'm so glad to be where I am. I'm about to undergo some serious financial changes - i.e. going absolutely broke - but drinking isn't gonna help that, so I'm cautiously optimistic.
Stay Greater, Flamingos.
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La fin
Inspired by this ask.
Present day Duff and Vivian reflect on their romantic relationship
I sat down with my best friend to discuss our affair for the first time in 26 years…and gain a final piece of closure the two of us have yet to attain from one another.
"This is gonna be interesting because both of our spouses are here." I say as I sit down, at my kitchen bar and Duff takes a sip of his water before joining me.
"Nah, Su's as cool as a cucumber. We got this." He replies. "...I don't know about Sixx but me, you and Su can handle it." He teases.
"If you get war flashbacks, baby, just remember you're sober." I tell Nikki and he chuckles.
"I'll just go to the bathroom and sing 'Kumbaya'." Nikki adds and Susan laughs.
"It won't be that bad." She assures him. "I got my waterproof mascara on. I'm ready."
"I'm getting through this without crying." I state.
"You cry over google commercials, Viv." Duff informs me.
"Because they know how to market. This happened…" I have to do the math. "...thirty-two and a half years ago. I won't cry."
"Okay, well, just in case, I came prepared." Susan tosses me a pack of Kleenex.
"Thank you." I say to her, doubting I'll need it.
"I'm about to start the camera." Nikki tells us, going to press start on the camera he's got set up to film this. "Oh, it's already started." He states.
"It's okay, people won't care." I shrug, taking a sip of my Pepsi. "Okay, Hey, Guys." I say to the camera. "This is a very special occasion because I'm here with my best friend, and the father of my first child, Michael Andrew McKagan a.k.a Duff McKagan a.k.a Daddy McKagan according to some of you nasty, freaky, bastards." I pipe and Duff rubs his face.
"Oh my God." He chuckles.
"Do you read your instagram comments?" I remind him and he nods.
"It's just so weird to hear it in real time." He explains. "I think that's one of the most odd things you can call a sexual partner. Like…'daddy'..."
We just stare at each other for a moment and I look at the camera.
"He just single handedly dragged me in the nicest way possible." I say to him as Nikki and Susan try not to laugh.
"No, I jus--well, you can say whatever the hell you wanna say and call him whatever you wanna call him because you've earned it with the shit you've been through, but it's just odd for me to go online and there's, like, girls 30 years younger than me calling me 'daddy.' Like, I'm not sure if you realize this, sweetie, but I have daughters your age." He points out and I start laughing. "I-I could actually be your dad. Careful now."
"I think Vince has a higher chance of being these horny girls' father." I state.
"I know, but it's just food for thought, you know?" He shrugs.
"I don't even know how to transition from that to the topic--which is a serious topic, but this is just...oh my gosh." I giggle out, not able to stop.
"Speaking of 'food for thought'," He creates a transition for us to go into what we're talking about and I take the opportunity.
"Yes, we will be discussing our weird relationship-but-not-really-because-I-was-married-and-confused situationship in honor of my book coming out 'Verbatim: The Truth, The Whole Truth, & Nothing Left Unsaid', which tells everything that happened from 1981, to early 2000s, that people have already read about in everybody else's books." I explain. "I've had this, 'it isn't anybody's business' mindset and now, I feel like I'm in a place where I can tell what happened, including our thing--which is something, believe it or not, we have not talked about as much as people think we have."
"No, we haven't."
"I don't know exactly why we haven't spoken about it much, like it happened, it obviously happened because we got a son out of it...we just haven't acknowledged it happened, really. Which is why we're gonna ask the tough questions and hopefully get through some stuff."
"Which is nice because I honestly think the last time we even alluded to it was 1994, right after I got sober, and was advised to resolve things in my friendships, and even then we didn't get everything out there." He replies. "At least I didn't, and I feel like a lot of people have something to say about it, and we spent so many years letting other people define what that time was to us--which it was such a private and personal thing between the two of us that other people's two cent shouldn't have had the impact on us that it did--but we let it get to that point where we lost sight of what it meant to us and let it be defined however the fuck people wanted to call it. And that wasn't good for either of us, and I think that's one of the things that's kept me from bringing it up again. Especially now that, ya know, I'm married, have two grown daughters with Susan, you have Nikki and your children, and I've always thought there's no point in bringing something up that happened--like you said--thirty-two, almost thirty-three--years ago.
"Because you don't want to hear the b.s."
"Because I don't want to hear the b.s." He agrees. "But the more I've thought about it, there are parts of me that feels like I didn't get to say what I wanted to say when we decided to go separate ways, and that just gets fucking heavier and heavier with each year, and I'm sure you might, too."
"Oh, definitely." I agree completely, able to relate to it. "I feel like one of the main reasons for me, why I haven't tried to talk to you about it is because, like you said, people will automatically start something out of absolutely nothing, but also because I felt like I never had the right to." I state and he furrows his brows a little. "Why did you wait so long to tell me how you really felt about me?
He lets out a breath before thinking a moment.
"I refused to hinder what little happiness you had left in your relationship with Nikki. I knew you guys were struggling, I knew you were fighting like hell to get your relationship back on track, and I didn't want you to have any more confusion going on than what was already being put on you and if I would have told you how I felt, that would've done that. And then I was with Mandy for a while and that kinda helped me feel like I was over those feelings, but I realized I wasn't when she and I broke up."
"Did anybody else know about how you felt or..?"
"Well, I--yeah, Stevie thought it was just a little, like, I had a crush on you, but Izzy knew I loved you...which is why he wasn't shocked when they found out about us." He says. "...Of course he wasn't surprised because all the Nikki/Vanity stuff happened, so he was kinda expecting you to do something, which--okay, I don't know how to ask this." He admits, thinking of how to word it, glancing at Nikki.
"What?" I ask him.
"I just don't want to come across as an asshole for asking this because I'm assuming it's a lot deeper than just...okay, whatever, I'm asking it." He decides.
"Okay." I prepare for it and he sighs.
"Why did it take that level of public humiliation for you to realize you weren't in a good marriage?" He asks and it nearly makes the breath leave my body, Nikki and I looking at each other.
"Because it was public." I confess. "Everything else that had been done, had been done in private. There was no public input on it, there was nobody watching the situation unfold under a microscope, everything that happened up to that point was private. So, he could trip during a crack binge and shoot me and I could stay with him because I didn't have the public watching me, giving their opinions. But when his mistress announces it on TV, I can't just gloss over that because now everybody knows and has an inkling that 'uh oh, they're not this perfect relationship they've made people believe they are' and yes we came out and said it was a lie and tried to undo that damage that Denise caused, so physically I was still in the marriage, mentally I was drawing up divorce papers. And I'm not completely sure it was just the very public aspect of it, I think it was the fact it was her. And I realized, 'I can't compete with a woman who has absolutely everything about her that Nikki is addicted to: she knows how to have a good time, she's equally as wild as him, she's got the sex appeal, she's got all the drugs, she's on the same level as him in terms of entertainment industry' just everything that I wasn't...she was. And I was too exhausted at the point to try to compete with her so I gave up when that came out."
"I remember Izzy ranting, 'she's fucking comparing herself to Vanity and there's no reason to'." He impersonates Izzy and I chuckle.
"He drilled into my head for years to follow that I was fine the way I was, I didn't need to change anything about my looks, my personality, my hobbies, my sobriety, like it was like 'The Help' when she's constantly reassuring the little girl 'you is smart, you is kind, you is important'." I quote. "Anytime Izzy could see me struggling with myself or not feeling my best he'd be like 'seventeen outta ten, Viv. Seventeen.'"
Duff looks enlightened, and points to the space behind my right ear.
"That's why've got '17' right there." He realizes and I nod. "In his writing." He adds.
"In his writing." I confirm.
"That's--wow. I didn't know you struggled with that for so long because there was no competition." He assures me.
"Well, I already had shitty self-esteem and then that made it worse, and then even when you and I were together I still had this fear a little bit that you were only with me to help yourself get over Mandy."
"Abso-fucking-lutely not." He doesn't even think before saying and I feel myself tear up a little. "No way. No freaking way. I loved you, Viv, I really, really did. When you told me that you were filing as soon as the tour was over I started planning out our lives together, as crazy or cheesy that makes me seem, like, I was really going for it." He tells me.
"Duff." I feel guilty, my heart aching a little.
"I remembered, 'okay, she wants this many kids, she says she likes dogs but really wants a cat, too, she doesn't want to live in the middle of the city, she doesn't want an over-the-top house, she wants to go back to school at some point so I'll put away some savings for that', like, I was planning out everything and fitting Guns N' Roses in wherever there was time in that whole plan. I was ready to be with you and start a life with you. I really, really was." He adds and I see Susan's sympathy for him, only adding to my guilt.
"Well, just rip my heart out, why don't you?" I ask him to add some relief and Susan giggles, her bright smile coming back to her lips.
"Right?" She asks. "Geez, babe."
"I'm just saying." Duff tells us.
"Nikki didn't even plan his days out when he woke up back then, and then you were there with a calculator adding up how much money you probably needed to put away for my schooling."
"We wouldn't have had any money to go to school, anyway, Viv, 'cause it was all going to taxes and heroin." Nikki points out and I think for a moment.
"And house payments."
"And house payments." He agrees as I look back to Duff, who looks like he's thinking about something.
"Okay, sorry if this is a weird question, but what did you mean you felt like you had 'no right' to talk about our relationship?"
"Okay, well, we broke up, I was working on things with Nikki, you married Mandy four months after we broke up...I felt like 'okay, you've already gotten your husband back, he's gotten Mandy back, they're married, who the--' pardon my french ''--fuck are you to bring up your relationship and how it affected your friendship when you're both married to other people and doing your own things? Who are you to be worried with your time with him when you're with Nikki and he's got a wife, now?'."
"Ohh, yeah. Yeah." He knows what I'm talking about, nodding. "So, you kinda felt like it was disrespectful to dwell on it too long." He adds.
"Exactly. And I didn't want to disrespect Nikki, or Mandy, or Linda, and now Susan, by trying to work on us again, as friends, because we are exes, whether we want to admit it, we are. We dated. And I feel like it's easy to forget that sometimes because it was so long ago and that freaking sucks because I don't want…" My voice cracks and he looks at me pointedly as tears come to my eyes and I take a deep breath. "...I don't want to forget that time. And I'm not trying to be rude to my marriage or yours or make it seem like I still have those feelings for you, because I don't, but I don't want to forget there was a time in that hellacious cycle my life was in at that moment, that for a few months, I was genuinely happy in the midst of my life falling apart." I explain, sniffling. "And that wouldn't have been the case, if not for you. And I don't want to forget that."
"Vivian." He says as I grab at a tissue and I see Susan knuckle a tear in her tear duct.
"I don't know, it just felt like there was never a right time to address what happened fully because everything was happening so fast in our personal lives, for you and Guns, for Nikki and the band, I started having kids, and you got married a second time and your drinking was worse and worse, so it just never happened."
"Can I ask you something else?" He says and I nod. "When do you think we should have said, 'look, we were together, it happened, and it's okay'. Because we avoided it like the plague for years and still do at times, and that's practically due to--like I said earlier--listening to how people defined it. Like you were called a 'whore' and a 'slut' and just awful shit in public and in papers and tabloids for years after it happened and I feel like because of that, there was that element of 'we should be ashamed of ourselves and just pretend it never fucking happened' surrounding it, even though we had Monroe who's breathing proof of what happened at some point, but we just treated it as if we adopted him together as friends or something like--" I laugh, wiping a tear, and he laughs with me for a few seconds. "--it's the truth, though, we never talked about our relationship. We went on Howard Stern in '88 right after Monroe was born, and he grilled us about it, but we just shut the fuck down after that and didn't speak of anything again for a couple years until we got in that fight over you limiting my time with Monroe, and then again in '94, and that was it--and none of those times really accomplished anything. At all."
"We should have had that conversation before you got married to Mandy that May." I point out.
"That was so, so soon." He smiles nervously. "That was too soon, way too soon, to get married."
"You proposed to her the day after we broke up." I recall and he nods.
"I sure did. I sure as hell did. So stupid." He states. "I learned not to make important decisions when I'm in pain. 'Cause I married two different women when I was going through some painful stuff and only made it worse." He explains.
"And see that's the thing because you had me completely convinced you wanted Mandy. Like I felt so much better when we broke up, knowing you were with who you really wanted to be with, and I was with who I wanted to be with, and then I found out in an argument with you that you were miserable and married Mandy to try to make yourself excited about being back together with her."
"And that's exactly why I told you that because I needed you to be happy and if I would have told you how I really felt about you, you wouldn't have been happy because you would've felt guilty for staying with Nikki and fixing things with him. And I wouldn't have forgiven myself if I would have put you through that so I married Mandy so fast because I was hurt, and I thought I loved her as much as I loved you, and I held on to that and ran with it." He tells me. "Why wasn't I good enough for you to stay?"
I go to answer, before the weight of what he's asking really hits me, and several tears topple down my cheeks before I'm wiping them away.
"I can't begin to put into words how highly you surpassed 'good enough'." I inform him when I finally speak. "Um, my decision to stay with Nikki had absolutely nothing to do with you. That was all me, and issues I thought were resolved within myself that weren't resolved at all, I was just ignoring them." I say. "And something in me was telling me not to stay with you...and I fully believe that was God telling me to back the hell off because he had a plan for you and I had no business accompanying you in that plan as your significant other." I explain. "And I hate to say this, but I really feel like we would have gotten divorced."
His eyes widen and his brows raise, a knowing smile on his lips as his nods his head.
"And I hate to think that but we would have made it, maybe, up until '92 because I wasn't even your wife or your girlfriend but just being around you made me so miserable." I admit. "I-It was like--you would get up and start drinking until you passed out that night. I was watching the person who had his shit together the most in my life, fall apart, and that was scary for me because we had a son who was witnessing his dad spiral."
"Yeah." He rubs his lips together.
"And getting you to take accountability for what you were doing was like trying to bathe a cat." I add.
"And it took me months after getting sober to evaluate what went wrong in my life with the band, what went wrong in my relationships, what went wrong in my parenting with Monroe, what went wrong in my friendship/co-parentship with you, and own up to what I played a part in because none of it imploded on it's own, or just because of other people, like I played a part in all of it, too, and admitting that took a lot of time to swallow my pride and just accept that I became the very thing I got pissed at Nikki for being, years prior to that, and saying, 'okay, I made all those mistakes, I fucked up, how can I do better and learn from it to better myself, to better my friendships, to better my relationship with my son, and just do what I'm supposed to do?' And I even ended up going to Nikki, and apologizing for what happened between us," he motions between me and him, "because even before you and him were separated over the Vanity thing, knowing you went to me for shit, over him, made him feel less than, made him feel like he wasn't a good enough husband and I kinda felt the same way when he stepped up for Monroe when I was going through my drinking, and it made me feel like I wasn't adequate enough as a father because Monroe was leaning a bit more on him than he was on me, and for the shit I was going through in my life with my alcoholism and drugs, I was doing the best I could do as a dad. And it made me realize that Nikki was doing the best he could do as a husband back when he was in the thick of his heroin addiction, because he was sick and couldn't fucking help himself, just like I was sick and couldn't help myself, and neither of us wanted to hear we had a problem, neither of us wanted help. And I know people are gonna, 'well, Nikki cheated and was mean to her and this and that', I know what you looked like when Nikki was hurting you. I know the look you would get on your face...I know that I hurt you as much as Nikki did through my drinking because you would look at me the way you would look at him when you weren't recognizing the person in front of you due to how royally they had fucked themselves up."
"Yes." I nod, not even arguing.
"And that fucking hurt to realize that I was hurting you as bad as he had, and I remembered getting so pissed at him for doing that back in '86/'87 as he got worse, but then I did it, too, and that experience really opened my eyes when I got sober because I wouldn't have been humbled in that way had I not had a drinking addiction and reached that low, and I do think that's one of the reasons that was allowed to happen to me." He finishes and I take a deep breath before asking:
"If Monroe wouldn't have been conceived, if we wouldn't have had a child to come out of our relationship, knowing what we know now, how we ended up not staying together, the public slander and stuff we had to go through...would you still have had a relationship with me, if you could go back and change it?"
"Without a doubt, yes." He says, matter-of-fact. "It would have been a waste of a blessing to not have taken the opportunity to love someone as recklessly--maybe even stupidly, at times--unconditionally, with the magnitude I loved you with, at such a young age. Like, usually you can expect to find something like what we had when people get a little older, and get through all their bullshit relationships before finding the person that loves them for them fully, but I had the chance of experiencing that when I was, like, in my early twenties...and I didn't experience that again, and so much more, until I met Susan." He says and I nod. "And I don't want you to think that because we haven't spoken about it, maybe as much as we should have, that I'm ashamed of you or us or embarrassed, because I'm not proud that we did what we did in that timing--because it was really shitty timing and we both can agree on that, I think," he raises his brows and I agree, "but I will never be ashamed, or apologetic, or embarrassed that I ever had that with you. I felt like one of the most fortunate people to even know you, and then to have that relationship we had--even for the few months it lasted--was just...it was such a short time compared to how long you've been with Nikki and how long I've been with Su, but we spent it loving each other the best that we could. And we really did love each other, and we do still love each other--even if it's not in that same way, the spirit of it, I guess, is still there. There's still that 23 year old kid in me that'll kick somebody's ass over you, and wants to see you happy, and is in absolute love with you. And don't get me wrong, there's a 56 year old me that wants to see you happy and that'll still kick somebody's ass over you." He clarifies, making me laugh. "I'm just pointing out that even when those feelings went away, I don't think that bond ever did."
"Yeah." I nod, sniffling as I press a tissue to under my eye to catch more tears. "Do you, um...do you remember our break up?"
He exhales and gives me a little smile, nodding, before tears come to his eyes.
"I--yeah, I...I remember it…" He informs me.
"We had just gotten done messing around, and if we did anything before we went to bed we would just stay in bed and go to sleep, but if we did anything in the afternoon or whatever we'd get up shortly after and clean up and go about the day. And we got done, it was, like, 2:00pm, and it was this odd feeling in the midst of it that 'this is gonna be the last time we ever do this with one another', and neither of us said a word, we just laid there with each other for four hours when we were done, taking in every second that we could. Well I finally got up to go back home and check on Nikki because he had OD'd the night before." I explain.
"And you went to the door to leave and I stopped you, and was like, 'I know you're going to make things right with Nikki, and I'm going to fix things with Mandy, and I want you to know that I love you, and I'm proud of you, and I always will and always will be'. Of course you can understand me a little better now because I was crying when I choked those out, but, um," he laughs and I smile back more tears. "And you said, 'thank you, I love you, Duff' and gave me a kiss and a hug and then you were gone."
"And we rarely spoke about it, again."
"And we rarely spoke about it, again." He confirms and I let out a breath, feeling more tears swell in my eyes. "What a fucking way to end a relationship." He adds.
"This is where I'm really gonna start crying, um…" I start, chuckling nervously. "...I wasn't thanking you for being understanding, I was thanking you for everything that you'd done for me, and it took me a while to understand that that was one of the things I felt like was unresolved because that 'thank you' had a lot of weight behind it." I tell him.
"Okay." He tells me, listening intently.
"This is so freaking stupid and unhealthy but I wrote suicide notes for when Nikki finally OD'd and died, because I knew if he were to go, I'd have to go with him, I couldn't live without him." I tell him and he looks a shocked. "You taught me that I could live without him when I didn't think that I could, and you brought me so much peace and rest in a time when I couldn't remember the last time I was at peace, and I sure as hell couldn't get any rest. And I felt, and still feel, so indebted to you for those months that you spent trying your hardest to fix what you didn't break--you risked your career over me, you protected me, you defended me, you supported me, you loved me--and that's what I was thanking you for that day, and I feel like I've got a weight off my shoulders now because I have never told you that and I've always wanted to but didn't think it was a good time."
"Holy shit, Viv." He wipes a stray tear, and I see Susan doing the same, Nikki just smiling at me like he's glad I've gotten that weight off of me, because he knows I've been wanting to say it for years.
"And I'm sorry it was such a shitty breakup that kind of came out of nowhere."
"The way you were screaming and crying and begging God whenever we were trying to get Nikki to wake up, I knew if he lived you were gonna fix things. I was prepared for it, I promise." He assures me. "And I'm really glad we got to do this and get this out there with each other and I really hope you were able to get some closure with this, because I really did."
"I did, too." I nod, wiping more tears.
"I love you." He tells me as we get out of our chairs, giving me a quick, innocent, peck on the lips, before hugging me tightly.
"I love you, too."
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Flower Power
Namjoon x Reader, GN!Reader: Flower Shop AU!
:: semi-fluff, passive aggressive flowers, Namjoon being concerned, but also finding this hilarious
:: Warnings: swearing, semi-fluffy
Flowers hold many meanings, the best ones are the passive aggressive ones.
Colorful Flowers Offer Interesting Stories.
Namjoon was minding his own business while on his shift at the flower shop. It was a small, local shop that he had applied to on a whim as he had been looking for new hobbies and needed the extra cash, he saw the listing online at Colorful Delight and figured he'd try for the job. Now, two years later he loved his job and had become the manager of the little shop.
Business was pretty slow that day, it was a weekday and most people were busy working at 1 pm, so you could imagine his surprise as he was clipping some stems and you practically ran into the shop, panting as if you had been chased by demons.
The surprise must have been very clear on his face as he filled a cup with water and handed it to you without a word. He went behind the counter as you not so gracefully gulped down the water. You coughed a bit before uttering a small thank you.
"No problem, anything I could help you with?" He said with a small smile, a patronizing smile that he was required to give to customers, yes he loved his job but even he had his days where he didn't feel like smiling or being over the top happy.
At that, you pulled a crisp $20 bill out of your pocket, slammed it on the counter and asked, "How do I passive-aggressively say fuck you in flower?"
It took everything in Namjoon's power to not laugh out loud as soon as you finished with your question, in all his days working at this shop he'd never heard someone flat out ask that. He was impressed honestly.
"Well for one, that has to be the best thing I've heard all day," your already flushed face got redder, "and I have just the things."
He went around the shop collecting various flowers in gorgeous shades, placing some back in favor of those that complimented each others respective colors. After roughly three minutes, he came back to the counter where you had been watching him do his thing. In that time, you had gotten a nice look at him. He was attractive, most likely around your age and was well kept, most likely worked out judging by his butt biceps.
When he returned and you realised you just openly checked out this dude that worked at the flower shop, you turned your head sharply to the counter and questioned your life choices. Said life choices had actually led to where you are right now, your friend had called you telling you how their boyfriend had been cheating on them. Obviously you were pissed, but today also happened to be their two year anniversary so you wanted to give them flowers.
The thing is, that was before you found out about the cheating and now here you are, saying "fuck you" in flower to your friends ex-boyfriend, because if they are breaking up now and will never get back together lest you be damned. Anyways, as Namjoon was packing the flowers together he decided to ask you the million dollar question and after explaining the situation, he was also pissed at the ex-boyfriend. What an asshole.
"Well these flowers definitely get that point across, while still looking gorgeous."
“Oh? Care to elaborate on that Mr. Flower Power?”
Chuckling at the nickname, he realizes he never gave his name nor asked for yours, he began explaining.
“The flowers I chose are: Geraniums, for stupidity, Foxglove, for insincerity, Meadowsweet, for uselessness, Yellow Carnations, which mean ‘you have disappointed me,’ and Orange Lilies, for hatred. They make a very striking and spiteful bouquet!”
While he was explaining the meanings of the flowers you took that time to get a good look at his face, barely paying attention to the flowers he pointed at as he told you the meanings.
“—n the card?”
“Wait what, sorry I zoned out a bit,” you sheepishly rubbed the back of your neck as he offered a small smirk, of course he realized you were checking him out. It was the first thing he did the minute you walked into the store.
He leaned forward a bit and leaned his face against his hand as he held a piece of paper in between the fingers on his other hand.
“I was asking what you would like on the card.”
“Uh yeah, do you have a pen I could uh borrow?”
He handed you a pen and when you took it your hand brushed his, causing you to retract your hand quickly as he placed the card down in front of you, you took notice of his slender fingers. Not gonna lie they looked really nice and would probably be nice doing— NO! Woah! You just met this guy! Quickly scribbling a note down on it, appropriately saying, “Here’s to you, Rat Ass.”
He took the paper back and put a string through the hole and tied it around the bouquet, a beautiful note for beautiful flowers. His fingers while he tied the string were quite nimble and you're having thoughts again, stop, you just met this poor guy.
"And all done! I hope he loves the flowers!"
"I'm sure he will, when I toss them at him."
He nodded with closed eyes, "as you should."
You left the store after paying the needed amount, you waved at him letting out a thank you and went back to your regular, daily activities. After delivering the flowers in the manner you had stated, you treated your friend to some fun activities throughout the month to help her get her mind off things. You went to the beach, the ice cream place, and were currently at your house doing some self-care.
During this, both of you had been catching up on life, and when you happened to mention the cute flower boy at the flower shop they immediately screamed and made you tell them everything. They found it hilarious and really sweet that you wanted to tell off their ex in a subtle way and would definitely be using that.
“You know (y/n), it seems he might be into you,” they smirked at your face got red under your aloe Vera mask.
“I don’t know, I like him, but I don’t really know him and he doesn’t really know me...”
“DUDE! Then get to know him! You’ll never know maybe you’re meant to be or something, go to the flower place and ask him if he wants to go get ice cream or something! It’s hot out, treat him!”
“But—”
“Nope! No discussion,” you were dragged out of bed and your face mask was taken off. Your things thrown at you: wallet, house keys, shoes, all the things you needed to go out. Along with a cute outfit.
“Okay this is a bit much and we’re supposed to be bonding!”
A pout rested on your face, as your friend ignored you and pat your face to get rid of the excess aloe and put a bit of makeup on you.
“There you look pretty as a peach and handsome as Adonis! If he doesn’t go out with you I’ll scream now get ready and go!”
With one final push you were in your room wondering what just happened, nonetheless you complied and when you finished left as your friend just waved and then stuffed their face with ice cream. Truly a role model.
Over the course of the month you had also been buying flowers for your friend, their favorite and some that had funny meanings. During which you had gotten to know Namjoon just the tiniest bit more, that one moment where you yelled about flowers was the only time you really were outspoken with him. Other than that, you didn’t really have the courage to speak up, he’s really cute and you didn’t want to embarrass yourself in front of him.
You’d made it to the store relatively quick, just a quick ride to the flower shop from your apprtment and once you got there you didn’t walk in immediately, you just stood out there fiddling with your phone until you made eye contact with him through the glass. Oh that was an awkward moment that you didn’t like.
Namjoon, a little startled at first, blushes and bit and runs to the door to let you in.
“hEy— uh, hey! (Y/n), what’s up? Need some more flowers?”
His voice crack had made you chuckle a little, him internally screaming.
“Oh uh, no! I actually came to see you!”
You brushed your hair back, pulling slightly, it was a nervous habit you’d gained. Namjoon, though, loved this little habit of yours and was getting redder by the second at the thought of you coming to the shop for him specifically. It made him feel warm inside.
“Really?”
You nodded, looking into his eyes, “yeah! Actually wanna go inside, wouldn’t want bugs to go inside the shop, I know how much you hate when that happens.”
If his heart hadn’t busted a fat nut, then it just did. You remembering a small detail that really wasn’t that important about him? That made him want to just kiss you right there, but he held back. He led you into the small shop by putting a hand on your lower back and leading you inside, him shutting the door tightly, no bugs inside his flower shop.
You would have found that amusing if you weren’t so distracted at his hand on your back. He resumed what he was doing before you got there, taking his hand away and this led to you already missing the warmth he provided.
“So, what brings you around? Need some more flowers to passive-aggressively say ‘Fuck You?’”
You scratched your neck, “not this time— but I’ll keep that in mind— actually I wanted to know if you’d maybe wanna go for ice cream?”
He nearly dropped his spray bottle, he was watering the plants when you had just arrived, and was stuttering to get out a reply.
“I– uh”
“Actually y’know what it’s fine! NEVERMIND forget I said anything!”
You had started rushing to get out of the shop, but Namjoon grabbed your wrist before you could leave.
“NO! No! I was just really surprised, I’d love to go get ice cream with you!”
With a flushed face, you turned to look at his face. His eyes shone with such excitement, his dimples prominently showing with his wide grin. He looked so beautiful.
“Really? You want to get ice cream with me, it’s fine if you don’t. I get it really, but it’s just so hot out and youre usually stuck in here and whenever I come to get flowers or visit you complain about wanting to go out so I wasn’t sur—”
He cut off your rambling with a hand over your mouth, “yes, (y/n), I would love to get an ice cream with you. Would you maybe consider it a date? Only if you want to.”
It was now your turn to be shocked, had you died?
“Hello?”
“YEAH— yeah! I would really like to go on a date with you!”
With the biggest grin on his face he quickly ran to the counter at the front of the store, and got a blue flower and handed it to you. You noticed it to be his favorite flower, he’d mentioned casually that he would give it to the person that he really liked and wanted to date.
“Wait, this is—”
“My favorite flower and the one I said I would give to the person I liked.”
You took it slowly, admiring the petals.
“I really, really like you, (y/n) and I would be honored if you would go on a date with me. I originally wanted to ask you out first, but you kind of beat me to it,” he added at the end with a slight chuckle as he scratched his neck.
“I really, really like you too Namjoon and I’d be honored to go out on this date with you.”
With that you both left the shop together, after Namjoon flipped the sign to ‘Closed’ and locked the doors. Hand in hand you went out to the ice cream shop by the park. You’d never guessed that you would be going on a date with the same guy who you’d yelled to help you with finding flowers for a passive-aggressive act, but as you sat with Namjoon eating your ice cream cones, you wouldn’t have wanted this moment any other way. You’d never underestimate the power of flowers for as long as you’d live.
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I'm sorry. So much bad stuff has been happening to me lately and it's so hard. It's times like this I just don't want to go on anymore. I'm sorry. I won't try to attempt it tonight, not yet, but I want to so fucking badly and I can't. I'm going to post a few things to try to make me feel even slightly better and then I'm going to bed. Maybe in the morning people will stop twisting my words to hurt me. Wishful thinking, though, probably. But I can hope. I'm sorry. In the last two days nothing but bad things have been happening to me and it's so hard to go on like this. Maybe I deserve it. I know I'm not a good person, I know, but I'm trying. I'm trying so hard to fix myself. Is this what trying to be better gets me? I went through some of the most unbearable pain I've been in when I finally thought I had gotten over depression, and the more I try to bring me back to being good the more I seem to only have worse and worse things happen to me. I'm trying so hard, you guys, I'm trying so so hard, why is this happening to me, why, I'm trying so hard....... I'm sorry. I'm only going to be online for a little longer tonight, I think. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
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OK so I was getting some drinks because it's Hot and saw Holby stuff in the tv mags. Took a look through them all. No pics bc I didn't want to look dodgy. Can't remember a lot because I was seeing read (Yes it's THAT bad I think). Do remember one had interviews with Jaye (Donna), Bob (Sacha) and Guy (your Henrik), will try to find which one. Other one was Rosie (Jac) and Alex (Fletch), that one made me see red. third I think was just vague spoilers? p1
The only unaimbiguously 'awww yay' thing I remember is Bob saying he was speaking to Rosie the other day and recounting how they both said that when they became best friends on the show as Sacha and Jac they became best friends in real life so he's thankful to the show for that. p2
Cannot stress enough how bad it all sounds. It's confirmed the finale is about Jac, although everyone gets their loose ends tied. So basically all the returns are connected to her (but we already knew that). It's really not clear if she lives or dies still but fucking Yikes at everything anyway because the interview with Alex focused entirely too uncomfortably on them both playing a couple in The Bill and really made me think they're going to go that way out of sheer laziness. p3
Hilariously Hugh has not yet been interviewed, I'm guessing the BBC are desperately trying to gag him until after next Tuesday lol. But I'm leaning to the either Jac dies, or Jac lives with issues and chooses Fletch. And I'm not even someone who ships her with anyone at all, I'm team #JacDoesn'tNeedNoOne, but even I feel like. wow. if they do that, why would you go out of your way to shit over such a longterm narrative and part of Jac's story by having her reject Joseph at the last chance????
p4 this is the issue I had with them reviving Flac at the last minute too, because it was ALWAYS going to lead to this -- why force a situation where you give last minute hope to BOTH ships, which means that either Flac is gonna be randoly revived only to be dashed again and shit on those shippers for no reason, or they're going to bring Joseph back to completely contradict Jac's entire romantic storyline on the show for the literal finale which is a disgusting way to treat those shippers too.
Yeah, I've seen all the TV mag articles. People on Twitter and the DS forums have been sharing them.
That bit from Bob about him and Rosie becoming best friends as Sacha and Jac did is really sweet. I also loved the bit from Jaye where she was saying the thing she'd enjoyed the most about playing Donna was the romances, and then she was like "I was going to say the men, but there have been women too!". Glad she remembers Donna's bi even if the show ignored it lmao. And Guy approving of Henruss, although we'd already seen that in the online interviews.
But yes, the finale sounds SO bad. I mean, we always knew it was going to be a letdown lmao, what isn't a letdown on modern Holby, they've managed to turn Henrik coming out into a letdown for goodness' sake. But it's still annoying to get the details and hear it sounds just as bad as we expected...
And the Rosie and Alex interview was definitely WAY too much about them playing a couple in The Bill. Ugh. I really do think we're headed for Flac now.
"Hugh has not yet been interviewed, I'm guessing the BBC are desperately trying to gag him until after next Tuesday lol" LMAOOOOO SFSFSFSFSFSFSFSF yeah. I am really interested to hear what he's gonna say about the show after it ends. It's refreshing how honest he's been about the downfall of the show.
But yeah, I think I would've preferred Jac to end up either single or with another woman (but again, their fucking Queer Quota means that was never going to happen because Henrik's already getting a same-gender romance), but if they were going to give her an endgame romance with a man... Joseph is just the obvious choice and the one that makes the most sense? If they have her reject him for Mr. I-Played-Your-Boyfriend-On-The-Bill-15-Years-Ago, I'm gonna scream.
God, the whole situation is just such a mess.
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