Hello Tumblrinas!

Do I have some excellent traumacope poetry for you tonightttt!

My poetry collection (linked above) deals with religious trauma, abusive relationships, obsessive possessiveness, and the fallout of mental illness in a end of a world sort of situation; it's got layers my friends, like a ogre or an onion.

Do you like Hannibal, Yellowjackets, The Haunting of Bly Manor? Do you enjoy phoebe bridgers, boygenuis, paris polma, and the antlers?

Do you want cannibalistic obsession? Want criminal yearning? Want desire? Want want want?

Please find all of this and more at the link above and if can't afford to pay for it I'm linking the pdf--just be sure to like and reblog if you download the free pdf!

Thanks, enjoy!

Hey God, I'm Here to Beg Again--

Christ Almighty, cheese on a cracker

I want to be normal

I want to want good things.

Look at me Lord,

look down upon me and tell me

I am loveable--

tell me you want me.

There is only desire in my heart!

I love and love only to be left into mourning--

Tell me the secrets in the original Aramaic.

I want to be with you.

Look at these hands Almighty,

they are so ugly, these are the hands of a beast.

You made me a beast.

You could make me not an ugly thing.

You could. If only you would love me.

I have many sets of crooked teeth and

insensitive gaze to my eyes--

but I am a tender object, a wounded bird.

There is no malice in my outbursts--

I know you've seen the desert.

I know you have tasted

the emptiness of longing--

temptation is a dear friend,

suffering our only cure.

System Update 02/10/24

David here! Today has been fucked up. On Thursday we started seeing a man on fire sitting in our living room recliner--he has flesh wings--he appears at eight pm--or at least he has the last couple nights. Today I saw him on my couch sitting next to me and eating raw meat. I saw a crucified deer woman in my backyard. I'm sleeping okay (suprisingly) I guess my meds don't let me stay up all night l--it is scary to go to sleep but I have to trust these things can't actually hurt me. I'm holding it together in the presence of my family. They don't seem to notice I'm losing it but maybe it is just temporary. Stress about school and such--grad school is no joke after all. Things are so fucked right now--everyone else in the system seems to want me to keep this shit handled, so I'm dealing with it and being front stuck with minimal to communication between other alters. I'm so frustrated and tired and I feel very dramatic and stupid and annoyed right now.

Hello from the psychosisholder David and my subsystem who will float in an out of co con along the way--we are having a little bit of a rough time; we are trying to be positive and everything but we saw someone chopping up [REDACTED] in our kitchen and [REDACTED] was gory and it sucks and our T is very worried about us and wants us to take meds we don't want to take and it is pissing us off...

ALTER INTRO—GRAHAM (12/27/23)

Name: Graham

Age: 35

Pronouns: He/Him/His

Favorite Colors: Green, Brown, Grey (just earth tones in general)

General Responsibilities: Bodily Hygiene and Self-Care/Environment Upkeep and Cleaning

Favorite Movie: Idk, I haven’t watched any movies in a really long time; I think I’d enjoy the hobby, but I generally have other things to do besides watch movies—I’m kinda an emergency deployment—I’m meant to fix burning patches in the tapestry of the hellishrebukesystem’s life; like I do the unpleasant self-care nobody else wants to do. So I don’t watch a lot of movies—but I guess if I had to pick one it would probably be some stupid action flick or something from the MCU.

Favorite Food: Don’t laugh, but something simple, like PB and J or pepperoni straight from the bag—I know, I know—it’s not impressive or classy, but I like food that just gets to the point.

Favorite Animal: Dogs—specifically Golden Retrievers

Hobbies: Reading, Blogging, Poetry (both reading and writing—a lot of the system has this one in common) and Art.

Favorite Book: Been a while since the body picked out a book based on my tastes—but the last we read together that I really enjoyed was “No Longer Human”—very good, very painful, very existential—highly enjoyable. (Made me, at least, not feel so alone in my stupid and messy feelings)

Inner World Appearance: Curly Brown Hair, Dark Blue Eyes, Short, Muscular—tendency towards comfortable clothes—jeans/slacks and button down shirts (I love plaid—don’t judge me).

Idk what else to include here…I’ve never really done one of these before and Idk what’s relevant and what’s not and all that; you can follow along with my system/mental health positivity blog @wgsblogofwhatever I post just general positivity and self-care advice, but I might get into sysblr and syscourse stuff eventually (I have a real passion for it)

A song before we go—one of my favs in fact—=)

—see you next time I post// much love—Graham

I wish there was a way to leave comments on spotify---like yeah, sure their are those artists with millions of followers who would probably never read them or very few of them anyway, but their are like so many small, struggling artists on there--and just once in a while I'd like to be able to say-- I love your music and its changed my life and i've put it on like dozens of playlists and I will never be the same again.

Imma brag a little bit! Here are my Duolingo stats the last few days. Been on my grind babes!

Jo is trying everything she can, but. she just can't remember how she got to this place in her life--it certainly wasn't her plan to land in the hospital… between the abusive exes and the total implosion of her life--Jo has a lot on her plate, but things are only going to get more complicated. Enter Aileen. Jo knew Aileen was there, but Alieen doesn't remember who she is or what she's doing in Jo's brain--Aileen is frightened at her presence in the system. It unnerves Jo, but really what doesn't? As Jo and Aileen struggle for co-consciousness, the system is thrown into turmoil. While David, another alter, works in the background trying to pull the system back together--of course, David has problems of his own--the triggers surrounding hospitalization--and he is carrying the trauma the rest of the system doesn't want to face--as well as having psychotic symptoms--Jo and Aileen fight against the barriers of the outer world, institutionalism, and the entire rewriting of the system's life And just when Jo and Aileen begin to manage working together and Aileen begins to repair her relationship with David and his brother Cole, Jo is torn away to the Alter Prison--a dark mirror world of reality created by Dark Mags. Dark Mags lives as an imprint of abuse in the systems headspace. Abuse suffered at the hands of the system's current lover, Magadelena. There are three other alters trapped in the Alter Prison with Jo--so together with Jokesy Jo must solve the mystery and reunite the system through Jokesy's spiritual mannerisms and rituals--as well as through Jo's worldbuilding skills-- and with Cole, David, and Aileen's connection to the headspace--the system must be willing to lay it all on the line—while Dark Mags lingers, tantalizes, and the truth about the cute nurse, Nat, lingers on the horizion none of the system is safe. As I Want to Remember It is an exploration of toxic relationships, healing, and mental health through the lens of dissociative identity disorder—it follows a fractured system conquering emotional and traumatic events in their lives using fantasy imagery for imagination and metaphor in the form of a literary thriller.

System Update—Harley + Hughie (❤️)—01/06/22

Okay tumblr girlies—today has been difficult; we just haven’t wanted to do anything. Avolition has been a fucking bitch today—it took us like two hours to get to a point where we could actually put on pants and do anything besides scroll TikTok. But sometimes you just got to do things that are really fucking with you—honestly, the thing is, that the block for us was some sweaters we just could not bring ourselves to hang up; for like the last four days—we just ignored this stupid pile of stupid sweaters and did not want to to touch—just like couldn’t bring ourselves to.

Well, we finally did it. We finally hung up the dumb sweaters and it seems to have untied the willpower knot. This is the reminder that sometimes self-care is doing the cleaning task you hate or taking a shower even though the thought of water seems repulsive.

We finished two books yesterday, so we are going to have to find two more start reading in 25 page chunks. I tell you what—you’d be amazed at how quickly just reading 25 pages at a time will get you through a book—this philosophy can probably be applied to any amount of reading—like five pages a day, that’s a book in two months—it like three hundred pages in sixty days—which means six books a year—which is much better than zero books a year (just a quick heads up from your local clown—Harley).

A lot of us got cracking on the academic project yesterday—only to be hit up by a professor at the local university asking us to work on a round table for the sigma tau delta convention this year. Something about grammar norms—pretty sure she wants us to cover grammar rules and the interaction between following the standard and being creative in poetry/novels/other kinds of creative writing. I’m excited about it, but we are also incredibly nervous. We have to draft an e-mail to her, definitely, today—she’s already sent us one and we’ve got to respond today—she sent that e-mail like three days ago—that’s a big yikes, not responding right away, but I will get to it.

Anyway, we are hoping to have a pretty good day from this point forward, especially since we have real pants on now. Lol.

See ya later—Harley 🤡

System Update—10/24/22 [7:46 AM] {Front: Jacob, Crow, Jay, and David}

In other words—as you can see by the title of this post—we are a blurry mess. There is a lot of us co-fronting right now with a lot of mixed desires about what exactly we want to do—not to mention that our psychosis is acting up so fucking badly right now—like so really very bad.

We can feel the darkness taking us over—we can feel ourselves turning into the thing we fear the most and what’s worse is we can feel our therapist getting upset with us about it. Like we aren’t trying to be difficult or strange or irritating or any of the things we know she is thinking, but like it is demonstrable fact that we are those things. I don’t wanna be a monster, but I know I am turning into one. It is devastating.

In all honest hope, we are trying to keep our life together—we have a lot of things on our plate right now; but we are desperately hoping that we can hold back the breakdown that is on its way. We have to make it through December, after that—everything is free game—but we’ve got to get through to Japan. We have to. It is a lifelong dream of a lot of members of the system, including some of us fronting right now, and it would be absolutely painful if we had to cancel because of our stupid mental health. We are not gonna let that happen. We are going to keep ourselves together—whatever it takes—[of course, excluding cancelling international travel]—we don’t wanna ruin what few things we have to look forward to.

We are trying to take our therapist’s advice and find things to be involved in and to do with our time. We are trying to keep our mind engaged and our interests healthy and helpful, but things get outta control—we get involved in things we’ve been warned to stay away from; it isn’t intentional—it just kinda happens—not to say it doesn’t mean we are responsible for the consequences—but it does mean that we don’t start out with the intention of making ourselves crazy.

I know that most of this has to do with stress from traveling to Santa Fe and coming back, as well as worry about whether or not we will actually be able to handle Japan physically [as well as mentally—because of course that is always a worry] but that is beside the point—the point is that our psychosis (if it really is psychosis and not just the objective truth) is getting a bit out of our league and it is incredibly frustrating, but idk what else to do than vent about it on tumblr.

Ta for now—Crow 🚬

12/28/22 {GRAHAM @ FRONT}—3:15pm

We survived the psychiatrist appointment today—got to talk to someone else besides Dr. K. Talked to Joann instead. My blood pressure was super super high and they told me to go to the ER about it but I declined. I’ll follow up with the PCP sometime soon—I have to get labs done anyway in the next few days due to medication changes.

I guess that’s the good news—not locked up this time—we’ll see what T says in two days time. It is a tiring feeling,ya know, this feeling that people are going to lock me behind asylum doors; not like it hasn’t happened before—thank God I’m not a minor or I’d probably be in a State Hospital by now; I get choices not offered to me when I was under eighteen—I guess that’s a minor miracle in itself, ya know, that I survived to a point that I get any kind of say in my mental health journey.

I’m still feeling (super super) suicidal—but I don’t believe I’ll actually act on any of the impulses or desires. I just have to be strong—I just have to keep pushing through; I really don’t have any other choice in the matter—I’m either dead or alive and there is no in between—so I continue to fight the transformation/Wendigo in ways that are secret but manageable.

So, no I don’t want to be locked up and I am relieved that Joann is going to give us a med change to deal with some of these symptoms—but sometimes the feeling of being taken to “grippy sock jail” is so pervasive in everything I do—sometimes I think it would be a relief to go again and get it over with.

That is the kinda contradiction I live with. That is the fear that grips me to the bone—sometime I will be so monstrous they will not let me live with “normal” people—I will be locked away somewhere for the safety and goodness of the world outside; there is so much plaguing my mind at any given time that I seem to be falling apart.

I am trying to be hopeful that the meds will do some good—I’m trying to keep my head above water while searching for the plug at the bottom of the tank—maybe the meds will drain some of the water—maybe I’ll be able to stop treading and be able to keep breathing in a less pressured state in just a couple weeks.

That’s what Joann said—it will take two weeks for the meds to kick in and do their work. Good God I hope so; I hope I can keep on keeping on—in fact—I’m hoping I can get beyond keeping on into thriving and kicking ass again. I’m so tired—I mean really really tired—but I got to hold on until the light breaks through again; maybe it is just winter and the weather is hurting my brain—but I’m trying to keep strong for just a little while longer; just until the meds can take away some of the pressure—I’m sick in the truest sense and that’s really the only conclusion I can come too—my meds have been changed and in the end I can at least be glad that someone offered me a solution rather than blowing me off again.

Dear Graham,

Okay, so I'm just gonna say it, all right? I love you, like a little brother or a vicious annoying nuance that I've been forced to accept due to life circumstances. That sounds meaner than I mean it--but I'm frustrated with you dude; I'm not trying to hurt your feelings, but shit is getting hard right now--you wanna handle psychosis your way--I get that--you have your coping mechanisms for the system; but I was here first, ya know--I handled that shit for years and you've gotta let me handle it my way sometimes.

I know you don't agree with skipping meds and sleep--I know you don't okay, I know you don't agree with me; but the thing is sometimes it causes far more emotional distress to not give the parts like me (Cole, Jay, DVID, RATS) some leeway to interact with and explore the spiritual and alternative methods of cleansing the ick vibes and satisfy the religious/extensional needs. I know you disagree with the rest of us who think this might very possibly be real. That these might be good visions and signs--but we live here too, and we have real fears and feelings, and we have to do this. We do.

So, here's the agreement--because I think it will satisfy both parties--Three days on, two days off, okay? Three days of no sleep--two days off regular sleep and normal eating. With the liquid fast for three days we will have one meal and it will be a big meal--seven hundred calories at least, alright? Everything is gonna be good. =).

I don't want to fight--I don't want to be mad and I don't want to hurt the body or any other party of alters. Okay? Let's get along. Let's do what we must and let's fix our spiritual alignment.

Love,

David.

System Update--Graham and David @ Front 02/12/24

Got a break from the psychosis today--no sightings of deerwomen crucifixes, priests in neighbor's yards, tarantulas, or burning men with flesh wings in our living room. The creepy whispering as gone away for today as well--we slept for 11 hours and 2 minutes after not sleeping for nearly thirty six hours. That being said, we are starting our sleep fast over and plan to stay awake for the next 72--it is hard to explain exactly why we are doing this but it mostly has to do with trying to commune and communicate with other dimensions/timelines/etc. We know that sounds like psychosis, but we aren't so sure that it is, rather we think that maybe it might be a spiritual awakening of sorts. We didn't take our night meds to achieve this goal and will continue to not take meds for the next 72 hours.

***This is not an endorsement of going against treatment plans or doctor's advice--I'm not telling you what to do--I just know what's right for me and my needs as of this moment in time.***

We got major headache around five today, but it was gone by nine tonight, so hopefully we can keep our physical health problems to a minimum--we also hope to go on a liquid fast and only drink liquids and consume no more than one meal a day for the at least the next 72 hours. This also not for weight loss or ana reasons and I do not support that, and I am not encouraging that--this is for religious reasons and if you are struggling with an ED, you should not take this for some kind of diet or reason to starve yourself. I have clear reasons for doing this, I have a therapist and people taking care of me--this is not something to do without doctors and people around you to monitor you and make sure you will be okay, okay?

Anyway--Graham is annoyed because he thought he was done with having to deal with shit like this--He and I try to be friends, but we usually end up getting on each other's nerves, because well--we just handle these things very differently; he wants to be responsible and keep house/keep things clean/make the bed/take care of the body--yada yada yada and I'm more the type to just get exhausted and want us to take a break. Let stuff slide a little and just enjoy the quiet moments we get; we were both disappointed about all the sleeping but for very different reasons, ya know.

I was disappointed because I had a gillion fun things planned, but we fell asleep instead and that was frustrating, like I wanted to get caught up on all the relaxing we hadn't been doing for the last however many months and I wanted to feel good, ya know? I was pissed at Graham too, because he took the damn morning and night meds (yesterday) even knowing that was gonna make us fucking tired! He took the day meds today too--but fortunately I did not take night meds even tho he tried really hard to convince us to. I know if I can make it past midnight, I will stay up all night--and I'll be happy to. I'm not happy to have to start the fast over again. It is so stupid--like we get the instructions on what to do and Graham wants to ignore them all the time.

He was disappointed in us too for falling asleep--not last night--but the nap that we took--which we wouldn't have taken if we hadn't fallen asleep last night--it's a momentum thing--the longer you stay awake the easier it is to stay awake after a certain point--it tips in your favor. If he had let us keep browsing Tumblr too--we would've been fine--we would've been wide awake. That's another trick; you can't let yourself get bored. It fucks up everything. He disappointed about the nap because he wanted to do some homework/revisions for our MFA class--but honestly, I was pretty pissed at him for it--we didn't even have feedback from the professor yet and he wanted to pressure us into doing some stupid ass unfocused work. It would've been easier if he would've let us have this. I can't believe he undid our work.

Honestly, sorry this is so long--this probably won't be the last you hear about it--honestly, I might just, like, idk, do a call-out for Graham, not that he'll read it the little bastard, but I'd feel better about. Separate post. KK bye.

System Update: Jacob, Jay, Cole @ [FRONT] 01/24/24 UUUUUUGGGGHHHH

Things are good, but I am exhausted--we are exhausted. Not to mention, Bri's recent oversharing in therapy--anyway we are running ragged these days. Homework, homework, homework--gradschool is no joke. We feel exhausted but productive and that makes us feel good about ourselves. It is not a healthy thing but it is all that gives any feelings of self worth. We haven't even done half the things we wanted to do this month and it's over in a week so that's kinda bumming us out a little but we'll get over it.

List of Goals 2024

1. Read 35 📚 [12 audiobooks/12 paperbooks/12 e-books]

2. Gain 10k TikTok and Twitter followers (TikTok handle is [at] hellishrebukesystem and Twitter handle is [at] OnceIateataco)

3. Start a Podcast (maybe)

4. Release an audio and visual chapbook as a playlist on Tiktok and on YouTube.

5. Be a producer of 5 film projects

6. Rework my draft of 'Cards on the Table'

7. Finish my main draft of 'MAGI'

8. Make a journal and writing draft prompt

9. Learn marketing and Kickstarter techniques

10. Build a social media presence

11. Research documentary and filmmaking techniques

Just Checking In and Leaving Some Reminders for the Rest of The System—Harley @ Front

First, thank you to David for buying the Liquid I.V./ Hydration stuff—our body was so badly dehydrated that we were starting to get cramps and headaches and pains and this helps a lot—it also helps with keeping us awake and on task—so this is to the rest of the system, just in case I get knocked from the front and if David or Graham front at all today—please drink your water—we’ve prepared a 64 oz bottle and it taste like Sunny-D so you don’t have any excuse not to drink the stuff. Also eat something today—don’t go crazy with it, but do eat something today.

Second, we have to clean our room at some point today—put away the laundry, clean the floors, make the bed. It is all very manageable, and I think you can handle it; don’t freak—just one thing at a time; I’ll do as much as I have time for, but I’ve got a few other things on our plate.

Work on the Novel Draft is done for the day—we spent about an hour on it—we do need to write our poems, but I think we should handle that after our social media engagement and work today.

We took a shower last night—but please, everybody, remember to stick to the schedule and shower regularly—we don’t need to get sick or infections or anything like that so please, please keep up with it—thanks =) <3