I'm not getting better. I'm just getting better at masking. But now I've exploded and now they all see. Now I'm a failure again. I actually thought I was doing better. But I don't really change. I just pretend.

Currently fantasizing about literally just unmasking with my FP and expressing all this clinginess and devotion and affection and love so strong that it’s fucking killing me

The worst part is that I know they’d be fine about it but I’m so used to masking that I’m terrified of showing that much

i think the problem is that i’m masking in front of my therapist so she will never get how bad i actually am

I have had to heavily mask who I am for 20 years! Idk who tf I am idk if my disorders are even real, I’m tired of not knowing!!! I just want someone to tell me what the fuck is wrong with me!! What disorders do I have!!!

I hate that I'll never be a real person just a shell decorated by a number of masks. I don't know who I am and I doubt that I ever will.

Learning how to deal with emotions when you suffer from borderline personality disorder basically means how to learn to wear a mask for the rest of your life.

one thing that i'll never understand is that when like autistic people mask they're not trying to deceive anyone and it's sad they've been forced to mask because of social pressures (obviously) but when people with personality disorders mask they're automatically trying to "manipulate" everyone around them so that they can "abuse" them and "trick" them ??? like what

forgive me if i lose tubbo character analysis points (rolls eyes heavily) over this or something but i honestly dont think the date was very ooc or that the frubbo romance is going to be played as something that makes qtubbo better. obviously qtubbo gained a lot of trust issues and lost a lot of hope in others + started to strongly believe that love only hurts after purgatory and the funeral. and hes an extremely defeatist guy at heart

but he also makes exceptions because no matter how much he tries to disconnect himself he still cares so so much about others. he has such a weird fucked up view of love and justifies seeing sunny as an exception by saying they wont hurt each other because their love is unconditional and yet he also claims empanada isnt safe when bagi is around because the eye workers will use that connection to their advantage And Yet he constantly looks after and takes care of sunny anyways. even though hes already mourning her before theyve even died. even though by his own logic it may be safer for sunny to not be with him

and like.. he says dont get attached empathy makes you weak but he tries to ruin fit & pacs date so they dont abandon him. he still jokes around with them and has happy moments with them bc ultimately theyre his friends and even if they dont Really understand what hes going through or what would help him they want to be there for him and make him happy and they Do make him happy. bc qtubbo doesnt spend all of his time with his friends whining and groaning about how theyre going to leave him some day and despite being suicidal and defeatist and at times a fucking jerk that isnt his whole personality

depressed people Have happy days. they have ups and peaks in their life and yeah actually many of them do manage to have nice relationships and theres a lot of depressed people out there who are fully capable of just. not being complete downers to be around all the time (cough a lot of comedians have depression cough). if anything i would argue it isnt just in character but realistic for qtubbo to be able to just. have a normal date where hes a bit of a loser and manages to get through an actual confession

and its not like hes going all in oh we're dating and we're going to get married now bc he doesnt even consider themselves boyfriends and he turns down sunny claiming fred as another parent. he just had a happy day and it boosted his mood a little. i dont think fred is really on his list of trusted people and in fact i feel like him just being very silly and awkward during the date is a Part of him not fully trusting fred or wanting to be super serious around/with her. i think to qtubbo fred symbolizes sure some pain from the whole funeral situation but also still a lot of happier simpler times and ultimately a time where tubbo was happier and openly hopeful

if anything, tubbos relationship with fred is another form of escapism for him. of course it isnt going to make him better. he literally brought fred to him and sunnys island where they plan to live far away from everyone to avoid their problems. its all a fantasy for him, and one that he isnt even allowing himself to fully jump into but will joke about and dance around the subject of nonetheless

it’s the fucking tism i swear i’m not a meanie on purpose :/

I'm so good at masking my autism but absolutely terrible at masking my BPD.

Acting normal while your body physically hurts from emotion is so much fun!!!

to people with personality disorders, I know it's hard for a lot of us to stop masking, and we're often discouraged to do so, but just know that it's okay. you can struggle, you can unmask slowly, you can take your time, and there's nothing wrong with no longer masking

anyone else listen to any cluster b coded song and get really internally defensive over it because there's no way anybody else relates to it as viscerally as you do. like people listen to it because it's cool, or to cheer up from a break-up, or to pump themselves up before some event, and you're here like

"no actually at all times i have the need to start shit to stave off the ever-consuming boredom. no actually at all times i Am better than everyone in this room. no the egotypicals cannot relate to my entire life being constantly this song. no you don't get it you can't even confidently ask for a ketchup packet. I Am Going To Light A Fire."

Responding to someone you’ve been losing your mind over but acting fine