itspixthecrazybitch
Pixie/Pix
⚠️TW, this is a vent blog⚠️I’m Pixie/Pix, she/her.
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#memes#meme#bpd meme#mentally ill jokes#bpd#actually bpd#vent#lol#reblog#relatable#actually mentally ill#undescribed
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because sometimes there are invisible tests and invisible rules and you're just supposed to ... know the rule. someone you thought of as a friend asks you for book recommendations, so you give her a list of like 30 books, each with a brief blurb and why you like it. later, you find out she screenshotted the list and send it out to a group chat with the note: what an absolute freak can you believe this. you saw the responses: emojis where people are rolling over laughing. too much and obsessive and actually kind of creepy in the comments. you thought you'd been doing the right thing. she'd asked, right? an invisible rule: this is what happens when you get too excited.
you aren't supposed to laugh at your own jokes, so you don't, but then you're too serious. you're not supposed to be too loud, but then people say you're too quiet. you aren't supposed to get passionate about things, but then you're shy, boring. you aren't supposed to talk too much, but then people are mad when you're not good at replying.
you fold yourself into a prettier paper crane. since you never know what is "selfish" and what is "charity," you give yourself over, fully. you'd rather be empty and over-generous - you'd rather eat your own boundaries than have even one person believe that you're mean. since you don't know what the thing is that will make them hate you, you simply scrub yourself clean of any form of roughness. if you are perfect and smiling and funny, they can love you. if you are always there for them and never admit what's happening and never mention your past and never make them uncomfortable - you can make up for it. you can earn it.
don't fuck up. they're all testing you, always. they're tolerating you. whatever secret club happened, over a summer somewhere - during some activity you didn't get to attend - everyone else just... figured it out. like they got some kind of award or examination that allowed them to know how-to-be-normal. how to fit. and for the rest of your life, you've been playing catch-up. you've been trying to prove that - haha! you get it! that the joke they're telling, the people they are, the manual they got- yeah, you've totally read it.
if you can just divide yourself in two - the lovable one, and the one that is you - you can do this. you can walk the line. they can laugh and accept you. if you are always-balanced, never burdensome, a delight to have in class, champagne and glittering and never gawky or florescent or god-forbid cringe: you can get away with it.
you stare at your therapist, whom you can make jokes with, and who laughs at your jokes, because you are so fucking good at people-pleasing. you smile at her, and she asks you how you're doing, and you automatically say i'm good, thanks, how are you? while the answer swims somewhere in your little lizard brain:
how long have you been doing this now? mastering the art of your body and mind like you're piloting a puppet. has it worked? what do you mean that all you feel is... just exhausted. pick yourself up, the tightrope has no net. after all, you're cheating, somehow, but nobody seems to know you actually flunked the test. it's working!
aren't you happy yet?
#writing#relatable#reblog#vent#tw vent#people pleasing#people pleaser#fuck#yeah#neurodivergent#neurodivergence#actually neurodivergent
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I hate being autistic because I struggle to feel interest in most pieces of media so I don’t know the ones that everyone else knows and there’s so many conversations I just can’t interact with because not only am I the only one left out of a huge inside joke but if I try to interact about it I get “do you live under a rock”d and that shit gets tiring. Like yeah. I do. With the insects that I hyperfixate on instead of caring about the movie you’ll all forget about in two months. Ugh
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Day 3 without my fp.
I’m so fucking numb.
I’ve been distracting myself every moment I could but I can feel it creeping up on me. All those feelings I’m hiding from.
I’m worried what lengths I’ll go to in order to ward them off.
I can’t stand this life.
I just wish I wasn’t here.
#bpd#actually bpd#vent#tw vent#bpd vent#actually mentally ill#mental illness#bpd fp#actually personality disorder#actually borderline personality disorder#bpd favorite person#favorite person#suffering#tw depressing#depressing#fucking helppp meeeeee
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On a purely practical level auditory hallucinations are so annoying because I was lying upstairs in bed listening to my family talk downstairs and my hallucinations were adding things that weren’t real and I can never really be sure
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cute bpd things!!
paranoia
*small inconvenience* BREAK UP BREAK UP BREAK UP BREAK UP
yeah im fine lol look at this meme :D
paranoia
mood depending on them
every text hurts or feels way too good
intrusive thought yeouch okay ouch thats another one yeOOUCH
the 50000+ articles on how youre abusive
paranoia
fp is bad for me but its ok i love them<3
"if i hurt someone its gonna be myself"
becoming completely obsessed with someone the moment they give you the slightest attention
never being able to cut anyone off ever. immediately go running back
cry because theyre talking to someone that IS NOT ME
oh my fp isnt here. okay. oh im dissociating okay i dont have any purpose to continue living without them okay my life literally revolves around them i want to die where are they are they safe i dont know what to do with myself
"just leave. everyone does anyways"
5 minutes later theyre the worst person ever
*looking for an identity* hmmm, where could it be?
dependent on fp like theyre a parental figure you never had
paranoia
#actually bpd#actually borderline#borderline personality disorder#bpd#bpd fp#bpd problems#bpd safe#bpd shit#bpd splitting#bpd stuff#tw paranoia#reblog#relatable
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#nobody.#bpd#actually bpd#relatable#reblog#tw vent#vent#bpd vent#actually mentally ill#mental illness#undescribed
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Hello please reblog this if you’re okay with people sending you random asks to get to know you better
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"just be yourself" i dont know who the fuck i am
#actually bpd#actually borderline#borderline personality disorder#bpd#bpd problems#bpd safe#bpd shit#bpd splitting#reblog#relatable
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Sometimes they don’t love you, they just love the way you love them.
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i don’t know who i am anymore, there’s too many versions of “me”
#borderline#borderline personality disorder#bpd#borderline thoughts#bpd vent#actually bpd#vent#relatable#tw vent#reblog
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Me: damn this situation I'm in sure isn't ideal, what am I gonna do about this
Suicidal Ideation Man who lives in my brain: perhaps I have a suggestion ☝️🤓
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HELP ME HELP ME HELP ME PLEASE FUCKING HELP ME-
Ahem. Anyways.
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i will give and give until nothing is left of me
#me#relatable#mood#reblog#vent#tw vent#vent tw#bpd#actually bpd#unhealthy relationships#unhealthy relationship#toxic relationship#codependency#actually codependent
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I’m a terrible person and everyone I love is suffering because of me
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Please don’t leave me please I need you I can do better please just give me a chance to fix it please I can be better I can fix it please don’t leave.
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