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#tw suicidal ideation
support · 10 years
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Everything okay?
If you or someone you know is struggling, you are not alone. There are many support services that are here to help. For 24/7 peer support and other resources, message KokoBot on Tumblr.
If you are in the United States, please try:
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (1-800-273-8255) The Trevor Project (LGBTQ youth, ages 13-24) National Eating Disorders Association (online chat, text) RAINN (National Sexual Assault Hotline)
If you are outside the United States, visit IASP to find resources for your country.
For more resources, please visit our Counseling & Prevention Resources page for a list of services that may be able to help.
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rox-and-prose · 6 months
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the thing about living with mental illness for decades is that occasionally your brain will be like hey you're useless and should kill yourself and your only real reaction is cmon man right now im in the middle of something
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blueskittlesart · 5 months
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Now that you're gone
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queerly-autistic · 1 month
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The episode is called 'Red Flags', and the entire through-line of the episode (and the episode before) is Ed displaying the absolutely textbook suicide warning signs.
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I'm particularly impressed that they so heavily featured that sudden sense of calm and happiness; where Ed is suddenly smiley and at peace to the point where some crewmembers are wondering if he's 'better' now, but it's actually a huge red flag that he's made the decision to die. Because that's a warning sign that most people would misread - would assume it's a good thing - unless they've had specific training/experience on what to look out for.
I'll say it again: the gay pirate romcom explores mental illness and suicidality with greater depth, and understanding, and realism, than the majority of serious dramas I've watched in my life.
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beebopurr · 3 months
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Water Under The Bridge.
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basically I had the thought "what if, in a universe where F!Leo went back, he visited the bridge that he and his brothers were goofing around on at the beginning of the movie?"
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ourflagmeansgayrights · 5 months
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actually okay. not to invalidate anyone’s personal experiences with the show or anyone’s feelings over the finale. and also not to overshare on tumblr dot com
as someone who has been suicidal before. i think izzy failing a suicide attempt when he was at his lowest point and then going on to heal and find community and happiness and peace before dying with no regrets surrounded by people who cared about him and who will remember him fondly. is pretty fucking powerful. we can say without a doubt that if izzy’s suicide attempt were successful not only would everyone else’s life be much worse but he would’ve died alone at the end of a life full of trauma and repression and misery that he had never healed from. and that seems like a pretty clear message to me.
you never know what’s right around the corner. you don’t know the happiness and joy that’s in store for you, and you’re throwing that all away if you end your own life. it’s worth it to hold on.
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what it's like to fuck re4 leon (angsty)
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pairing: leon/reader
cw: ANGST, smut, rough sex, mentions of suicidal ideation, mentions of death, low self-esteem
summary: i wanted to write headcanons/a similar post to the vendetta!leon post and give my 'realistic'/pessimistic take on re4 leon's sex life, (as opposed to the cute/sexy idealistic version), but i let my mind off it's leash and went full-blown depressing
wc: 977
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Leon’s a certified cynic and doesn’t do much to hide it. If you found him out somewhere, maybe a bar - a place he’d one day frequent, he’d seem unapproachable. Not only due to his obvious physical attractiveness, but also to his disinterested expression, which wasn’t directed at anything or anyone in particular. He probably got dragged out of his house by friends who were chatting and laughing, or had already gone home with someone else, so he was just biding time until he’d decide to call a cab home. 
If you struck up a conversation with him, he’d smile politely because behind it all, he’s still kind. The stoic facade is just a new manifestation of depression because he’s not allowed to cry or rot away in bed. That’s not what a good government agent does. He’s charming when you finally get him to open up a bit. He compliments you, sincerely, despite the awkward manner in which the words fall out of his mouth. 
As the night drags on you can’t stop yourself from thinking about how badly you want to take him home or vice versa. You’re hoping he’ll kiss you, but he’s not into PDA, so he won’t, in a crowded bar. But, when you’re standing outside about to call a cab, you think he’s going to offer you his jacket because it’s cold during the winter in D.C., but when he wraps one arm around you, his other hand lifts your chin, so he can kiss you. Soon, that same hand is cradling the back of your head, so you don’t hit your head on the brick wall behind you when you’re pressed up against it. The kiss is hot. It’s not all tongue-and-teeth sloppy, but it’s far from chaste, especially once he has one of your legs wrapped around one of his hips. 
Eventually, he’s holding you up entirely and it takes no energy for him, you can tell by his arms. Still, you can feel his biceps flex under your touch, and you can’t help but think about the possibility of reaching down and feeling a similar firm sensation at the front of his jeans. 
If you’re lucky, if he’s too drunk and can’t walk without stumbling, thus incapable of any sort of wild sex, or if he’s too sober and still has a grasp on the consequences of getting caught with his pants down in public, he might take you home. The sex wouldn’t be rough - unless you ask for it - because he doesn’t know you like that and would never want to cross a boundary. He understands what those are. If you asked for it hard, he’d happily grant that wish because he’s constantly pent up with frustration and has very few outlets to get his emotions out. It’s not like he can talk this shit out, so sex is a cheap bandaid solution, but it feels better than nothing. He’d like it from behind - he wouldn’t want to see your face, but not because he doesn’t think you’re beautiful. He does. But sometimes pleasure looks like pain and he hates to watch people cry even no matter the circumstance. 
On the other hand, he’s quite the masochist. He wants to get his hair pulled while he’s on his knees with his face shoved between your legs. His perfect, precious hair that he fought so hard to keep, but this is the only time it’s not for show. It’s useful when it comes to sex, it’s another vulnerability, one that he allows himself to have. He likes scratches down his back, too, ones that cover up old scars like a new paint job. In the shower the next morning, he doesn’t have to relive every knife and bullet that’s ever grazed his skin. Nails down his back or his chest let him link pain to pleasure, he only deserves the former in his opinion, though, the second is just collateral. 
Sex is just a chase to death, really, Leon thinks. It’s the kind he’s man enough to suffer. The ten seconds of oblivion are so good, especially since he doesn’t have to think anymore. He can’t off himself just yet, so it’s the best he can do. The only other options are morphine, lobotomy and a bullet to the head, or at least, that’s what he thinks. He’d never say it out loud, though. 
When he fucks you, he doesn’t have to think. It’s the same adrenaline rush he feels when he’s in fight or flight mode. It’s like killing, you feel the guilt later. It’s not the same as fighting bioterrorism, though, since the government’s the one that’s screwing him in that situation. The animalistic, carnal side of him doesn’t take over his mind when he kills. He’s not voracious like that, there’s nothing thrilling. Because no matter how hard he’s thrusting into you, even if the tip of his dick is hitting your cervix everytime and his iron grip on you leaves bruises, he’s a good man inside. 
If you don’t want it hard and fast, you’ll get it slow and deep and methodical. It’s a memorized routine, he’s just running on instinct, but he’s not bored. It’s more like watching the same TV show over and over, it was good the first time and it’s comfortable, so you keep cycling through the same episodes. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. 
Leon feels guilty when he gets his dick sucked, so you’d have to coax him into it. If you really want to spoil him, though, you’d have to ask him not to pull out when he’s right on the edge. He doesn’t even think he has a breeding kink, but it’s like you’ve put malware in his brain and just fucked up the code, he can’t help the fact that he blows his load inside you. He’ll buy you Plan B tomorrow and leave it on the counter alongside a sticky note with an apology on it, short and sincere.  
Leon will let you stay the night, let you snuggle up to him while he tries to reciprocate the same gentleness, and he’ll make you coffee in the morning. He won’t plan on romancing you, though. It’s not out of any malice. It’s just that he doesn’t quite believe in love, or at least, he doesn’t believe it’s for him. The government controls his life and he’s learned to submit - they haven’t sent any women to court him yet, so he’s convinced they’d never let him have a girlfriend.
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flimsy-spine · 3 months
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Alright, I'm gonna say it. You look like you're dying. You're- pale, and you're thin, and... you look like you're getting worse. We're all sitting here thinking it.
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nartothelar · 11 months
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emmet wakes up from his fever
- emmet has been asleep for 2 days straight until now
- his fever is getting worse
- ingo eventually used chandelure to use hypnosis to calm emmet down
- you say things you don’t mean when you are delirious
- the guilt ingo feels is near unbearable
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sjonni33 · 4 months
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final night / mike schmidt fanart
{support me on ko-fi☕️} {prints & stickers}
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thefandomlesbian · 4 months
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Inspired by the post by @oddlittlestories about Wilson touching House's sensitive points--specifically, the mention of the strongyloides patient and the afterlife. This is something I've been stewing on for awhile.
I don't think House's issue with the afterlife and the strongyloides patient was solely stemming from his own personal obsession or ongoing issues with suicidality related to his disability.
4x03, 97 Seconds, is only four episodes after 3x22 Resignation, in which House discovers Wilson has been taking antidepressants and it's implied Wilson has been struggling with his depression and simultaneously refuses to tell House anything about it, no matter how House pries. House makes his own inferences, that this is either a new thing or a change in prescription because of worsening depression, but Wilson deflects when he tries to ask. It's one of Wilson's sensitive points. We learn (and House explicitly observes later) that Wilson shuts down particularly painful topics, mostly relating to loss, and this is one that he shuts down hard and fast by accusing House of not caring about him.
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House, true to character when it comes to all things Wilson, assumes the worst. We don't know what Wilson is actually going through, that's left to be guessed at by the audience, but we do know that House has been effectively shut out while continuing to be concerned.
And then, only a few episodes later, we get two different patients: a man who experienced cardiac arrest and replicates it in front of House for the thrill, and a physically disabled man who discusses being free of his mortal body. We see House and Wilson have exchanges about both of these patients. First, about the knife in the outlet patient:
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House repeatedly tries to draw Wilson back to the topic of suicidality, why? how? what was the plan? and Wilson repeatedly avoids the topic until he gives up and leaves the scene sooner than have the conversation. My read: The implication is that Wilson at some point in the past (whether or not this is recent past or long past, we don't know) dealt intimately with suicidal ideation that makes him uncomfortable, either personally or with a family member (maybe his brother). House takes this as confirmation.
So then, this scene is followed up later in the episode, where Wilson and House together are with the disabled strongyloides patient, who is telling them he does not want cancer treatment. The patient says death will be a relief--in front of Wilson, House looks at him before he addresses the patient. It triggers a knee-jerk reaction, anger.
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House recognizes he oversteps and leaves the patient, but the argument continues between him and Wilson in the hallway. It goes much deeper than trying to talk a terminally ill man into living a few months longer, because the argument isn't really about him; he's just a narrative vessel for this conversation between these two characters.
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The most popular read for this exchange is that House is arguing for himself, that he thinks misery isn't a good enough reason to take his life and he is telling himself that death isn't a worthy escape (which is definitely a valid read of the scene). But given the recent context of Wilson's depression, his utter refusal to share anything with House and therefore the audience, his complete discomfort with the suggestion of suicidal ideation and all the big questions like why and how and what for... I don't think House's actions after this scene are for House.
We have this argument where Wilson is arguing in defense of a man who is passively suicidal. "You don't know death isn't better, you can't know, death could be better. There could be a solace after all of this, you don't know." If this conversation is framed in context of Wilson being depressed and having potentially been suicidal, he's not defending the patient--he's defending himself, for having had those thoughts. And House is arguing with him, against those thoughts. Wilson's conclusion is you can't go to the afterlife and see how much it sucks.
Of course House's conclusion is to go to the afterlife and see how much it sucks.
This is the song playing while House contemplates what he needs to do.
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Starting over anew without a partner, not knowing how to make sense of things, becoming a new terrified person in lieu of someone who is supposed to be there--that's where his mind is. He goes to look at the electrical outlet patient, just staring in silence. What could be so good that it needs to be revisited? He must be wrong. (Note that at no point does House ever share with Wilson that the electrical outlet patient's claim that death was the best 97 seconds of his life--he asks Wilson why but never follows up with the answer.)
So House pages Amber and tries to try to kill himself, as convoluted as it sounds, so he can know the afterlife isn't good. So he can have proof. So he'll have evidence. He'll know it sucks, even worse than Detroit, they can't have this argument again.
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House says it explicitly. "You insisted that I needed to see for myself." He had to know.
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House wants to talk about what he experienced. He deliberately seeks out someone who will understand, asks for that person specifically, he wants to share. But with Wilson, he digs in his heels. Entrenched. We see that Wilson is generally the person House shares personal things with, such as the suspected identity of his biological father, he goes directly to Wilson after Dominika leaves in S8, he seeks him out throughout the Stacy arc in S2, pesters him while the fellows are fleeing in S3 even after the Tritter arc, his soft place to land during and after rehab in S6--Wilson is House's number one confidant.
Not on this subject. He refuses to say anything, except, "I love you." He doesn't respond to Wilson's criticism that he's already had near-death experiences before; he doesn't bite at any of the bait. Not talking about it. The person he wants to share with isn't there, so he doesn't share, not even with Wilson. The only thing we get as the audience is his dialogue to the corpse at the end of the episode.
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This is also not something he shares with Wilson. Too much of a sensitive spot, too tender.
But all leading to my conclusion that... House didn't put the knife in the electrical socket for himself. As Wilson points out, House has had multiple near-death experiences. He doesn't need to almost die to find out what happens. He's already seen it. He already knows.
The character who has most recently displayed new depressive tendencies in this context isn't House. Wilson is the one refusing to discuss his mental health, ostensibly taking new psych drugs or minimally increasing the dosages, becoming uncomfortable with conversations about the difficult questions of suicide, and verbally defending a man's desire to die to end the mortal coil.
House didn't put the knife in the electrical socket to fight release for himself. He's been in chronic pain for a decade at this point, it hasn't changed, he has treated patients with self-destructive tendencies in the interim with no impact to his own mental health. This event didn't strike at a vulnerable time for House; it struck at a time when House knows Wilson is struggling, specifically when he has already tried to offer help and Wilson accused him of not caring. He had to do something.
House put the knife in the outlet to fight for Wilson. To have evidence, to talk him down. "See? I proved it. There's nothing. Now you know for sure. Now you have to stay with me."
That would be too saccharine. But he says, "I love you," and that's what he means.
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catamaris · 8 days
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what should we do today?
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Signs of Autistic Burnout
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Autistic Qualia
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confusedraven1 · 6 months
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i don’t think izzy fully came to terms with the fact that he shares the blame with stede for setting ed off on his destructive spiral until after he got shot.
when ed asked him to tell him why the vibes are toxic on the ship, that would’ve been a moment for izzy to admit that he was wrong to say what he did and apologize, but, instead, he said it was because ed couldn’t get over stede.
in the hidden room during That Conversation, ed tells izzy he had a dream that he killed him, shot him right through the skull (sidenote: not an actual dream, a plan). izzy looks at him almost in disbelief then says, “good for you. good for you for having fucked up dreams, why would you tell me something like that?”
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“it was good for me. it’s just what the doctor ordered.”
that line is….oof. 😮‍💨 BUT it’s also a callback to s1 ep10 when izzy tells ed he wished he had been killed by the english, that death was better than how he was acting.
in this scene in s2 ep2, ed is saying, “you were right. i’m better off dead, and apparently no one else can manage it, so i’m handing the job off to you. and this is exactly how i want it done. izzy, i want you to handle this. i want it done right.”
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she-is-amused · 5 months
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I've always wanted to see the world as Christians do. As made for us by someone who knows exactly what we need. It just seems so appealing, but I cant believe it based on the evidence I have. How do you manage to maintain your faith in the face of it all?
You’ll have to be more specific if you want a specific response, but in general? When I consider the universe as it is, as we understand it, the only logical conclusion I can see is intelligent design. When I consider mankind, all the horror, all the beauty, all the humor and all the grief, the only logical conclusion is intelligent design. Things like irreducible complexity and the things in my pinned post are also factors.
And for my personal witness, I was raised Christian. We went to church every Sunday morning, most Sunday evenings, every Wednesday night, we were sent to Bible Camp every summer. My mom read the Bible to us most mornings, my dad spoke at length about whatever topic he was presenting for his adult Sunday School class, in home Bible studies. . . I didn’t even have any friends who weren’t Christian. And as I got older, I questioned. There seemed to be a great deal wrong, a great deal contradictory to what I was taught, a great deal that I observed in those around me which seemed to prove that what I had been taught was unlikely. I wanted to believe what I had been taught. I clung to it. But there came a point when I seemed to be holding onto nothing, and I went through the motions that I’d been taught and inwardly fell apart. I lived that way for years, not having any safe avenue for expressing this doubt and fear and anger. I was depressed. I contemplated suicide most days. One night my family was driving, and I sat quietly in the backseat watching lightning flickering dismally at the horizon. I had every intention of killing myself once we got home. And as I stared out the window, I inwardly raged my frustration, defying this ‘God’ I’d been taught so much about who never even showed up. “If You’re everything I’ve been told,” I thought, “You would flash that lightning now.”
There was no flicker. There was no flash. There was a cataract of lightning across the entire night sky from horizon to horizon in the very same nanosecond as that ‘now’. So bright the world was clearer than the day, thunder so loud and close that the entire car, the earth, shook wildly and my dad slammed on the brakes and my family shouted in alarm. While I silently wept in the dark and began to cling not to hand-me-down, proper-training faith, but true blood-in-your-teeth, fire-in-your-soul faith.
There have been countless things in my life that are inexplicable if the answer is not an all-powerful, all-knowing, loving and compassionate God working for my good and His glory. My life has not been a terror but it has hardly been anything approaching a dream either, and I know too well the darkness that many people live their whole lives in. I don’t have the answers to every question, maybe not even most. And yet I could sooner and more easily disbelieve the breath in my lungs, because I know Who holds every answer. And He loves questions.
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jgyapologism · 7 months
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You know, I just can't get the opening scene of only friends ep 4 out of my head, and not just because it broke my heart.
When the scene opens, Ray is doing a voice over, and the first thing he says is: "Everybody has an emergency contact. Someone to call when we need urgent assistance. That person can be a lover, a sibling, or a family member, but for someone who doesn't have any of those, my emergency contact is Mew."
And it just really makes me wonder how estranged he and his father must be from one another, for Ray to not even consider him a family member, or even consider having his own father as his emergency contact. Instead, he chooses the friend who, immediately upon answering, says: "Are you drunk again? I'm not picking you up this time."
And Ray's response to that? "I just called to tell you that I love you."
That right there should be raising alarm bells in Mew's head. But what does he say? "You're drunk and talking nonsense."
And Ray responds with: "Thank you for being a good friend to me and always taking care of me."
And fuck. It just makes me so, so sad. Because Ray is reaching out. He's fucking SCREAMING for help in this moment, calling the one friend he trusts enough to be his emergency contact, and that friend is responding in the most unsupportive way imaginable.
(Listen: I've been that friend. I've been the one who's been called upon by drunk family members or friends who are ALWAYS drunk. It can be exhausting, but if they said that shit to me? I would be IN MY CAR already on the way. I would have my phone ready to call a fucking ambulance if need be.
And like, yes. Setting boundaries is important. We can't always take care of our self destructive friends/family, but at moments like THIS, when they start using language like THIS, you better fucking pay attention.)
"If I'm gone, I won't be anyone's burden anymore, right? You take care of yourself."
Just ... the way Ray responds to indifference, or to insults, is to internalize it. He always blames himself. He is always viewing himself as the problem. And I just know it fucking stems from his mother and his father - a mother who apparently never hugged him and a father who seems to have abandoned him.
It just makes you think about the fucked up relationship that Ray must have with love, and how people express love towards him, that he has internalized it to the point of thinking he's a burden.
So here we have Ray, on the verge of suicide, calling the one person he thinks will be there for him during a moment of crisis, or perhaps the one person he thinks will offer him a way out - and Mew just, doesn't. Not until he realizes what Ray is about to do.
And I don't know. I just think it's a lesson for us all: If you care about somebody, fucking show it. All the time.
It reminds me of the very first episode, when Ray tells Boston, Mew, and Cheum that he loves them, and Boston's response is to say: "He's saying please don't leave me."
It just really fucking breaks my heart that Ray's response to being ridiculed is to not only internalize it and blame himself, but to still show love to that person, to still show his sincerity. And even then, his sincerity isn't accepted.
Because he's just a drunkard. How could he possibly be sincere?
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