#because a year ago i was much much sadder | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

mafiadad5 · 5 months

Text

Kalopsia

( ka • lop • sia) - The delusion of things being more beautiful than they really are.

Jaehyun x femreader ft. Doyoung

Description- I went back to my college town, my dad worried about me and my safety makes sure to load me with a bodyguard to be safe, little do I know it turns into a whole web of secrets, lies, and history that shouldn’t have been dug up.

Word count- 11.6k

Genre- mafia au (not corny I swear), smut 18+, bodyguard au

Warnings- slight degradation, praising, oral (fem and male receiving), unprotected (plz wear protection yall T.T), 3sum, overstimulation, guns and blood (not too much), alcohol.

No proof read cause heh…

Authors note- hi my loveys! This is my first time writing something with actually plot and full (multiple) smut, I hope you like and please feel free to comment or dm with your thoughts:) I will like to say that the way I deceive them in the story is nothing like their personalities irl and I DEFINITELY do not see them like this. Thank you for reading and I hope you enjoy 🎀!

"Hey y/n."

The staff tapped my shoulder as I woke up. "What's up?" I said, removing my headphones from my ears, placing them on my neck. "Well, it's just that your dad is gonna explode if you sit in the plane for another 15 minutes." He said, pointing to his watch. "Oh shit, thank you, Leon." I got up, grabbed my bag, and headed out of the plane, my father waiting for me with a stern face. "Y/n." He said, a smile appearing as he took me into a huge bear hug. "Hey, Dad." I smiled, him kissing my forehead as he hugged me one more time. "Let's go home, I know you're exhausted." He said as Leon grabbed my bags, placing them into the trunk as me and my father got into the car. "I know you're tired and I'm sorry to do this to you on the first day you're back, but get dressed because we're having a dinner meeting tonight." I paused, looking at him. "Dad, already?" He smiled generously, taking a sip of water. "You know the drill Y/n, I don't make the rules."

"You literally do though."

After a long car ride home, we finally made it to our house, it was as glamorous and beautiful as I remembered. I got out of the car, instantly going to the garden, my favorite place, my dad screaming at me to not forget about the dinner. I sat on the bench, the beautiful lake shimmering before me.

"I didn't know you were back butterfly?"

I heard from beside me as I turned. "Marie?" I said as I excitedly ran up to her, giving her a big hug. "Where have you been I thought you quit years ago?" I laughed. "I would never." She said as she smiled, grabbing my hand, sitting down beside me on the bench. "Well, I was going to quit, but I decided to stay my dear."

"So then where's Margot? Or does she hate me? She stopped responding to my messages ages ago, is she mad I left for college in another country?"

Marie paused for a moment, her face changing into a sadder expression as she grabbed my hand, avoiding eye contact. "I'm afraid Margot is gone now." She said, swallowing every tear that was about to fall out of her crystal brown eyes. "Gone where?" I turned to her.

"She is dead, the Korean gang got to her. I tried to save her, but it was far too late."

A tear rolled down her face as I grabbed her hand. "No," I said, there was no way. "She was only a worker why would they even come for her?" "Y/n when we all tell you to be careful, it's for your own good. They would do anything to get your dad upset. They don't want him dead; they want him put away." "I understand." I said as I pulled her into a hug. "You need to quit then go far away." She broke the hug, looking at me in sorrow. "It's far too late, since I've worked for your dad, I will always be a target. Besides, my only job now is to keep you safe, I don't have much to live for anymore."

She gripped my hand tighter looking me in the eyes. "You should be safe because no one knows your location and where you go to school, it was the safest option. Promise me y/n, promise me you'll be careful, don't go out to parties or do anything stupid ok?" "I promise." I said as I gave her one last hug. "Now go get dressed for the meeting dear." I left her there on the bench, as I walked up to my room, checking my phone for the time. I had 3 hours till dinner, so I just decided to chill.

It was time for dinner and Leon walked me down to the meeting, my dad and his partners sitting around the table, Marie giving me a slight smile before turning back serious again. "Hello everyone thank you for showing up, especially my lovely daughter who left school to attend tonight, I promise you'll be flown back tomorrow. We have some important things to talk about." Everyone sat silently, the only noises were my dad and knives and forks gliding on their plates. "The Koreans are starting to make a move now. We need to talk about your roles." I sat, wondering why I was invited to this meeting.

Everyone was quiet, still not saying a word, but we all wondered the same thing. Why now? Someone cleared their throat, making it known that they wanted to speak. "How are they making a move now? They haven't been active for years." My dad looked at his plate, looking back up clenching his jaw. "That's because they know there's something I can't protect anymore." He looked at me, sorrow in his eyes as Marie looked at me as well. "I hired new bodyguards, bodyguards I can trust. Y/n he will assist you, when I say assist, I mean he will keep you safe, but the decisions you make are up to you, there's little I can do from here... you're in control of your own life now."

"I understand Dad."

He wiped his mouth, setting down his napkin. "Now..." he cleared his throat. "I know one of you is a traitor, I invited you in here to let you make your last call, and tell them everything you've heard in this meeting, and also inform them that if they even so, go into the same room as my daughter, they are dead. Leon, please escort Y/n to her room, I change my mind, she needs to leave tonight." He walked up to me, giving me a big kiss on the forehead. "I love you, you're my everything, my only daughter, my life. Stay safe y/n, your bodyguard will be waiting for you when you land."

"I love you too dad."

A tear fell down my eye as I hugged him tightly, Leon tapping on my shoulder, "The planes ready princess, we have to go, your stuff is ready." I went into my room, grabbing the stuff that Leon missed, giving my home one last look before getting into the car. One thing about this lifestyle is that it's nice, but so unpredictable. I might come back and the whole house would be destroyed.

The car and plane ride were long, and I pretty much slept the whole time, waking up to Leon tapping my shoulder softly. He helped me out of the plane, my luggage already outside. "Thank you, Leon." I said walking to the car, going to the driver's seat before someone stepped out in front of me. He had silver hair and beautiful clear skin, his cheekbones were sunken in, and his dark eyes stared daggers into mine. "Hello, you must be y/n?" He said, not moving an inch, still staring at me. "Yes? And who are you supposed to be?"

"I'm Jaehyun, your bodyguard."

He smiled, taking off his black glove, and reaching out to shake my hand. Before I could reach out to shake his hand, Leon held up his gun to him. "That's a Korean name." He looked at him, smiling while holding his hands up. "I'm just a bodyguard, nothing more nothing less." Leon came up to us, pushing me away from him, holding up the gun to his forehead. "Liar."

"Wait, Leon,"

I said, them both turning to me. "Stop Y/n." He said turning back. "No you stop... get in the car." I said to Jaehyun, he instantly sat back in the car, Leon turning to me with a frustrated look on his face.

"Do you trust me Leon?"

"Yes but..."

"Stop it, if you trust me then let me go with him. I'll be safe. That's my bodyguard ok. The Korean gang is not stupid, he wouldn't have said his real name. Let me go." I said, holding onto his hands. "I just don't want you to get hurt Y/n, you're my responsibility." "I'm not 12 anymore Leon, I'm my own responsibility. It's ok, let me go I'll see you soon ok." He kissed my hand, letting them go as he turned to the car before turning back. "Ok, ok. Please stay safe princess, I'll see you soon." He gave me one last look before getting back on the plane, blowing me a kiss, smiling before he left, just like he always did when I was younger.

"Ok princess, are you ready to go?"

I turned around to see him out of the car. "Don't call me that." I said as I walked to the passenger side, him following closely behind me, opening the car door for me. "Let's go mama." "Don't call me that" I said as he shut the door, hopping into the driver's seat, driving away shortly after.

"Where are we?"

I said. We pulled up to a small house in an abandoned area, the only thing lighting the area was a dimly lit warm house light on the outside. "This is where we're staying now" he said, getting out the car, coming over to the passenger side to let me out. "No, I want to go to my house." He popped the trunk, getting my suitcase, walking up to the door entrance as I paced behind him like a lost child. "You will, tomorrow when we go get your stuff. He unlocked the door to the house, opening the creaking door, flipping on the lights exposing the space.

"Um."

The space was small, everything was in the same room except the bathroom, and when I say bathroom, I mean just the toilet and sink. The shower was in the open space as well. "This is a little small." I murmured, walking into the enclosed space after kicking my shoes off, sitting on the couch that sat a few feet away from the bed. "Maybe just a tad bit." He said, taking off his gloves and shoes at the door, walking around the kitchen. "Daddy wouldn't buy me anything this small, what's going on?" He scoffed, walking to the couch, sitting beside me.

"Don't be a spoiled brat, this is fine."

I looked at him, rolling my eyes as he tried to get comfortable, hitting the couch beside him with a distasteful look on his face. "This couch is hard as a rock." I looked at him. "I thought this was fine." I said mockingly as he got up from the couch, doing the same hitting motion to the bed, ignoring what I had just said.

"Better."

"You care about my comfort that much?"

I said, getting up from the couch going into the small kitchen, getting a glass of water. "No, I care about my comfort." He said, looking at the open shower, then looking back at me with wide eyes and a small grin. "You better hope there's another shower here somewhere." "It doesn't matter anyways," I looked at him "You're not staying here."

He looked at me in silence, taking his blazer and white dress shirt off, exposing his black tank top underneath, the tight elastic fabric hugging his toned torso. I'm not gonna lie, I stared a little, maybe even stuttered but he was literally perfect. "Can we just go back to my apartment so we have separate rooms." He looked down, unbuttoning his trousers and pulling down the zipper before looking back up at me. "Your apartment gets raided and I'm in another room or taking a shower, then what? We're both dead." I stayed quiet, examining his body up and down, completely in a daze as his hands gently fiddled with the waistband of his pants.

"Am I distracting you?"

My attention instantly geared to his face, his eyebrows lifting teasingly. "I have to use the bathroom." I said, going to the small enclosed room with only a sink and toilet. "If you're going to touch yourself I want to see." He said, his eyes following me to the bathroom as he chuckled lightly.

"You're sick."

I said, before closing and locking the door. Pulling out my phone to text Leon.

—————————————————————————————

Leon why did my dad get me a house so small?

Y/n why didn't you ask him that yourself 😂?

Leon this is not a laughing manner, you know he's going through a lot, I don't want to sound ungrateful😭.

Don't ask me y/n, are you 👌 ?

Yes

Well goodnight princess, text me if you need anything👍

Ok Leon, goodnight lol.

—————————————————————————————

I sat in the bathroom for another 30 minutes, walking out to find jaehyun sleeping in the bed. My bed. I didn't mind though, he was cute when he slept anyways. I took off my pants, getting in the cold white sheets. Wasn't the most comfortable bed I've slept in, but I'll be ok. I sat scrolling on my phone a little, jaehyun moving around in the spot beside me, groaning slightly as he tried to fix his position, tugging the cover from me.

"Great, he's a rough sleeper"

I whispered out, laying down, facing my back towards him, tugging the cover back. I sat there, staring outside in the backyard, a dimly lit field fading into a dark void. It was intimidating, but somehow I felt safe. My eyes slowly closed as I drifted off to sleep as well.

"Y/n" I heard a faint whisper in my ear, I turned around, thinking it was just in my head, pulling the cover over my ears. I felt someone flick my nose softly, enough for it to wake me up. I opened my eyes slowly. "Boo." Jaehyun laid in front of my face, wide eyed as I jolted away violently. "What the fuck." He smiled, sitting up grabbing his phone. "Well, we have to go get some stuff from your apartment, do you have anywhere else you would like to stop?" He turned to me, my eyes still halfway shut as I nodded. "Where?" I got quiet, turning the other way, placing the cover back over my shoulders.

He jerked the cover off of me, my bare legs feeling a cool breeze as I tried to snatch back the cover, but failed. "You couldn't even put pants on before getting in bed with me?" I sighed, sitting up before grabbing the cover back from him covering myself up. "We're not 12, it's not that serious."

"Don't hide your legs now, they're pretty. Can't wait to make them shake."

My face filled of unamusement as I got up from the bed, stretching before going to the huge window I looked out of last night. " Weirdo" he got up, inching closer to me "Oh you know you want me to-" I cut him off abruptly, "We need window curtains I don't trust this." He sat on one of the bar stools in the kitchen, staring directly at my ass as I watched his reflection in the window.

"You're safe enough with me don't you think mama?"

"Stop staring at my ass."

I said before turning around. His lips folded into a grin as he turned the other way, trying to ignore me. His torso curved as his elbows rested on the granite counter. He had blue and black plaid pajama pants that loosely hung onto his waist, god he was so sexy. He sat his hand in his lap roughly, but delicately, waving it around making my attention gear to his face. "You seem to get distracted by my body easily," he said getting up from his chair, making his way towards me as I backed away from him.

"Do you want me?"

I stayed quiet, backing up until my back hit the window. "Do you think I'm attractive y/n?" I stopped for a second, silently looking at his face, examining his distinct, delicate features. "Mmm... No." I smiled, moving past him going to my suitcase. "Didn't you say we had places to go? Let's go then." I said, going through the clothes in my suitcase. I heard nothing but a door slamming as I turned around, jaehyun going into the bathroom. "Damn, I was just kidding." I whispered, laying back down in the bed after getting dressed. It was a while and he still didn't come out the bathroom, my eyes got heavy quickly as nothing but sounds of nature from the woods leaked into the house, causing me to doze off.

"Get up."

I felt someone shaking my body as I was rudely awoken. "Hmm?" I popped up, rubbing my eyes. I looked out the window, it was completly dark, the only thing lighting the house was a warm lamp that sat on the nightstand beside the bed. "We're leaving now." he said, walking to the nightstand with the lamp, opening the drawer grabbing a silver and black pistol, opening the magazine checking the ammo before stuffing the gun into his waistband.

He turned to me as I sat obviously staring sharply at his every action, raising his eyebrows before turning away from me, heading to the door to put on his shoes. I examined his outfit, a loose fit t-shirt with loose fit jeans. "Oh, so you're dressing casually now?" I said getting up, meeting him at the door, putting my shoes on, grabbing my jacket. He ignored the comment, opening the door, locking it behind me as I walked out.

We made it to my apartment, Jaehyun telling me we didn't have enough time to stop for curtains. I went to unlock my door, but something didn't feel right. I turned the door knob with hesitation, the door opening slowly as I peeked inside, taking a step back, leaving the door slightly cracked, my face turning into a look of panic. "Hurry up, what's taking you so long." Jaehyun's voice echoed through my mind as my heart sunk to my stomach.

"Jaehyun..."

my voice was breathless as I turned to him, a face of annoyance now turning into one of worry. "I think someone broke into my house." He got in front of me, opening the door, his hand under his shirt, gripping his gun. He slowly walked into the apartment, signaling for me to follow behind him as I shut and locked the door behind me so if there was anyone there they couldn't escape. He searched the living room, his gun now up and aimed.

"Sit down"

he mouthed silently, pointing his gun to the sofa that sat in the middle of the dark room. I sat soundlessly, my leg shaking anxiously as nothing but hushed apprehension filled the house. I sat there, a million thoughts racing in my mind as I bit my nails nervously. I was knocked out of my thoughts when I heard a doorknob rustling. I sat for a second, examining the apartment ... all of the doors open. My attention automatically geared to the front door, the doorknob manically shaking.

"Jaehyun."

My voice was shaky as I got up, backing away from the couch and door.

"JAEHYUN."

Jaehyun ran into the room as a loud thud sounded. Everything else was a blur as I ran away from the chaos. The only thing I saw was the light from the apartment hallway in the doorway, and sparks. I shut the door, locking it behind me as intense gunshots and loud thuds sounded, echoing violently in my head. I went to my nightstand, grabbing my small revolver as the gunshots stopped all of a sudden, the house falling silent again. I stepped away from the door, holding my gun up as I heard shuffling coming from the living room. I was ready for anything when I heard the doorknob to the room rustling again, then knocking on the door.

"It's me baby, open the door."

The voice was familiar, and gave me a bit of relieve as I took a deep breath, aiming my gun to the floor.

"Open the door."

I heard him say again. An uneasy feeling settled in my stomach as I held my gun up again, aiming it at the door. I walked slowly as the uneasiness and suspicion of if it was really him raced through my mind. I unlocked the door slowly, quickly opening it holding my gun up, Jaehyun's dark eyes meeting with mine.

"Aren't you a little too pretty for guns?"

"Fuck Jaehyun." I placed my gun on the tv stand, wrapping my hands around him as I pulled him into a tight hug. His hands wrapped around my waist, pulling me deeper into his body, his scent made me almost breathless.

"God look at you."

I said, his white T-shirt now covered in blood. "Get your things quick, before the police get here."

We made it out of the apartment safely, avoiding the police as we got into the car, driving back home. "I'm just gonna stay out here for a little, you can go inside." He nodded reassuringly, stepping inside the house. "Well, I'm going to shower." He shut the door, leaving me outside alone. I took in the fresh air, sitting silently thinking about my life, how chaotic things are all the time, and how surprisingly that wasn't even the first time someone tried to kill me. I reached into my pocket, grabbing a heart-shaped locket, feeling the exquisite patterns that laid on the front of the jewelry, the cold tarnished silver chilling my fingers.

I held onto it tightly, closing my eyes taking in the fresh air, thinking about all the memories, about what my life would be if I wasn't born this way. At times, I wish my life was just normal, I barely had friends growing up, not real ones anyways, well except for one, but all good things come to an end. Thirty minutes passed, I was knocked out of my thoughts when I felt a vibration in my pocket. I grabbed my phone out of my back pocket, Leon's name popping up on my notification center.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Hey princess😊

Hey leon

Just wanted to text you to see if you're 👌

Yea im good leon, im really tired though, so i'll talk to you later.

copy 👍 goodnight princess

goodnight leon

-----------------------------------------------------------------

I walked back into the house, taking my jacket off at the door. Jaehyun sat on the couch manspreading, watching tv. His hair was slightly wet as he had a loose black shirt on, with those same plaid pants on.

"You can leave now."

He looked at me, flipping off the tv as he got up from the couch, looking me up and down.

"Was today not enough for you to not want me to stay with you hm?" he inched closer to me, shooting daggers into my eyes.

"Nope, you can leave Jaehyun."

I said smiling, kicking off my shoes walking to the living room, going to the window. "It's my job to stay baby." He said still not breaking eye contact, his eyes following me. "Well, I'm your boss. Your boss is telling you to leave."

"Oh yeah? As far as I know, you're not my boss, you didn't hire me."

He was inching closer to me taking small steps pulling up the sleeves of his shirt, bringing attention to his muscular yet, soft hands and arms. "As far as I know, I can get you fired?"

"Fire me."

I stood there for a second, quiet, smiling slowly "You know what Jaehyun." I said, moving closer to him.

"What?"

"I think I'd rather fuck you."

I grabbed his shirt, pulling him closer to me with a mischievous smile. "Mmm, I thought it would've been at least a week before you wanted to fuck me. He grinned, the reflection from the outdoor light sparkling in his eyes. "Don't be cocky, just right place, right time situation." He nodded, our faces inches away from each other. "And what do I get out of this mama?" He said, his voice deep and husky, his eyes going pitch black once again. "What do you what?"

He grabbed my waist, our lips separated by nothing more than a conversation, his cold fingers feeling my waist, his voice in a faint whisper

"I want to know more about you over breakfast tomorrow morning."

"Deal"

Jaehyun quickly lowered his lips down to mines, taking no time to roughly kiss me. His tongue traced my bottom lip teasingly before diving into my mouth, his hands holding onto my hips tighter, his nails clawing at my skin ever so slightly. The kiss deepened as he explored my mouth, backing me into a window, the cold glass chilling my hot back. His hands wandered up and down my body, one of them unbuttoning my pants, his lips not leaving mine.

His hands slid into my pants, his fingers dipping lower as he broke the kiss.

"Wait."

He spoke, removing his hands, looking at me in the eyes deeply.

"Didn't you say you were going to fuck me?"

He said, moving to the couch.

"Do it,"

He spread his legs, his boner poking through his pants as he sighed, setting his arms along the edge of the couch.

"Fuck me then."

I walked over to him, getting on my knees in front of him, sliding in between his legs as he smiled, giving me a reassuring nod as I teasingly fiddled with the drawstrings on his pants, slowly pulling them down, not breaking eye contact with his cold eyes. I pulled down his underwear as his eyes filled with lust and determination. I took no time to wrap my hands around his shaft, spitting on his tip as I glided my hands up and down.

"That's it baby, give me what I want."

His hand moved to my face gently stroking my cheek, the warmth of his skin sending shivers down my spine. I slowly lowered my head, his length disappearing in my mouth. "Fuck." He grunted, throwing his head back on the couch. His hips started to move in a rhythm that matched the movement of my tongue, forcing me to take more of him.

"That feels so good baby."

He said in a desperate, but quiet moan, his hips bucking up slightly against my mouth as I took him deeper and deeper. His moans started to grow louder and more frequent, his hands finding their way to my hair, slightly tugging and guiding my mouth, his length throbbing against my tongue, demanding more.

"Fuck mama, right there, just like that."

His grip tightened on my hair, his other hand making his way to the back of my neck, guiding my movements as he pushed deeper into my mouth. His moans grew louder as I took him deeper, tears dwelling in my eyes, my tongue exploring every inch of his dick. His body tensed up as he rose his hips further and further, his hips moving faster as his length starts to twitch in my throat.

"Fuck." He choked out, throwing his head back on the couch, gripping my hair tightly as he released in my mouth.

"Damn."

He said, taking a deep breath, looking down at me, wiping my mouth and the tears that fell. I stood up in front of him. He looked up at me with a sly smirk, slipping off his shirt, his heavenly crafted abs and perfect frame fucking my mind before he even touched me.

"Come here, don't act scared now."

He said, grabbing my hand, pulling me closer. His hands wrapped around my waist, slowly moving down to my hips as he pulled down my pants and underwear in one quick motion, him looking directly at me with that same sly smirk. He pulled me even closer, kissing my bikini line, moving further and further down. He pulled me into his lap, wrapping his arms around my waist.

"You ready baby?"

I wrapped my arms around his neck. "Mhm." He lifted me up, placing his tip at my entrance, slowly sinking me onto his length. "Fuck." I whined out, his hands clawing my hips as he moved me up and down on his dick, going deeper into me every time. "Shit, like that." "This is what you wanted right?" his voice echoed in my mind as he thrusted into me faster, hips bucking up, as my eyes rolled up from the intense pleasure of his length deep inside of me.

"Look at me or I'll stop."

he said, moaning softly in between his words. I looked at him, beads of sweat dripping down his forehead, his hand moving back down to my hips, guiding me up and down. "I doubt it." I said, trying to sound as confident as possible, but not being able to hold my composure. "Oh yea? You want to test that baby?" He slammed me down harder, forcing a moan out of me. "Answer my question."

His free hand made its way up to my face, dragging my lip down with his thumb. "No." I mumbled out, throwing my head back as the intense pleasure sent shivers down my spine. He moaned out, desperate, full of need as he guided my hips sloppily. He grabbed waist, flipping us over, him now laying on top of me. He thrusted roughly as he cursed and moaned into my neck.

"Fuck you feel so good."

He whimpered out, his words vibrating on my skin as I gripped onto his hair, throwing my head back moaning loudly as my body jolted with every curt thrust. "Oh fuck I'm coming." My legs started to shake aggressively, the sensation of his deep breaths and moans on my neck mixed with the hard thrust driving me over the edge. "Well I'm not done." He said, continuing, pushing into me as my walls clenched around him, causing him to let out a quick moan.

"Fuck Jaehyun, please."

I moaned out, removing my hands from his head, placing them on his torso, trying to push him out of me. He instantly grabbed my hands, pinning them to the couch above me. "You can take it mama, I know you can." I threw my head back violently, trying to release my hands from his grasp, but failing miserably as he forced them back down. An overwhelming feeling of intense pleasure fell over my body as he thrusted harder. I shook my head before throwing it back, whining out to him.

"Do you want me to help you, or do you want to keep being bad and keep your hands pinned?"

He whispered in my ear, our bodies clapping together, making an unbearable friction. My loud moans filled the room as tears started to dwell in my eyes from the intense pleasure. "Answer me." "Help me." I mumbled out in a tired moan. He unpinned my hands, wrapping them around his neck. "Pull me when it feels overwhelming, grab my hair if you need to ok, do you understand me?" He said in my ear, his thrust slowing down, eventually stopping as he stayed inside of me. I nodded as he placed his hands beside my head on the couch to keep balance.

"I'm gonna go fast, do as I tell you or I'll stop ok."

I nodded again, his dark eyes looking at me, beads of sweat falling down his forehead slowly. "Tell me ok." He said wiping my tears. "Ok, I will." I felt him twitch inside of me, his head lowering into my neck, looking down for a second as he placed one of his hands on my waist.

He wasted no time, thrusting quickly inside of me. I whined under him while sliding my fingers into his hair, tugging softly. "Well, that didn't take long." He groaned into my neck, teasing the soft skin with subtle kisses. "Fuck." his moaning left tingles on my neck, making their way down my spine. I clenched around his length moaning loudly as he let out panting moans, going even faster in retaliation as my walls fought against him.

"Fuck Y/n, I'm almost there."

Sweet sounds of lust echoed through the house as he desperately thrusted mindlessly, my breath hitching with every movement. I cried out for him, my hands tugging at his hair as his thrust got sloppier. "I'm there, baby." he cried out, panting over me. My legs started shaking aggressively once again, his thrust sloppy as he twitched inside of me. He lifted up my shirt as he let out a choked moan, pulling out of me, releasing his warm liquid on my stomach.

Deep breathing filled the room as he sat beside me on the couch.

"Look at what a mess you made."

He chuckled, a ring of my arousal sat at the bottom of his member.

"I can say the same thing about you."

After a long shower, I had no energy to even get dressed, I lazily found a t-shirt, slipping it on as I sat on the couch, laying my head on the uncomfortable pillow, dozing off slowly as Jaehyun showered, falling asleep eventually.

I woke up, the bright sun shining through the window, burning my eyes as the soft sheets cooled my body everytime I moved.

"Stop moving."

An angry groan came from beside me. "Oh shut up, you're in my bed." I turned over, grabbing the cover, placing it over my head before Jaehyun pulled it back over to him. "Stop taking all the cover." I whined as he sighed, flipping over so he was facing me. "Then get closer to me sweetheart, so we can share." I looked at him, rolling my eyes before sitting up facing my back to him. "You hungry princess?" I nodded, as he handed me the cover "Here wrap yourself up, I'm going to step out for a moment, but get dressed so I can take you to the breakfast you promised me."

I nodded again, wrapping myself up, turning back to look at him, his pajama pants hanging low on his waist, his shirt hanging low on his collar bone. "Distracted again?" He said a small smirk appearing on my face as I saw him smile, his dimple leaving a distinct imprint on his cheek as he walked outside getting his keys from the nightstand

"Can you stop, no I'm not distracted."

He made his way to the door, sliding on his shoes "Whatever you say darling- I'll call you when you need to come outside so we can leave, ok?" I nodded, getting up going to my suitcase, Jaehyun calling me about 45 minutes later telling me to come on.

I put my slipped my shoes on, walking outside to see Jaehyun waiting outside the passenger door.

"Thank you Jaehyun, you're a doll."

An awkward smile painted his face as he shut the door, hoping in the drivers side, making sure the gates shut behind the car as he drove away.

"We're here." He gently tapped my thigh as I lifted my head from the car door. My face had lines and small indents from dozing off on the lengthy car ride. I looked outside to the small restaurant, face lighting up with excitement as I saw where we were.

"No way, I've always wanted to come here. How did you know?"

I turned to him, a questioning expression appearing on my face. He smiled, rubbing the lines on my face. "You're so pretty." His fingers slowly sliding down my face, his hand making its way to my throat, holding ever so slightly, his fingers teasing my skin.

"Is this supposed to intimidate me?"

"Is it working?"

He looked at my lips, then back up at me again, smirking while leaning in, his hand trailing up my thigh. "A little."

"Um, Excuse me. This is not a valid parking spot..."

I quickly turned around, Jaehyun's hand releasing from my neck as we looked at the traffic officer standing outside the window. "You can't even park right?" I laughed as he found a new parking space, rolling his eyes with a smile.

"So..."

He sat in front of me, circling the rim of his water with his finger. "So..." I hummed, looking at him from across the table as he sat awkwardly. "What do you want to know?" I took a sip from my cup, my eyes squinting slightly as the tartness of the juice hit my lips.

"I want to know more about you."

"My name is Y/n, I'm from France, but moved here for college, and I'm the only child of my parents, and the only daughter born into my family. Anything else?"

He made a small smile, looking down at the table before looking back up at me. "Why do you keep a postcard of this place with you." I tensed up in my seat, looking down playing with my fork before taking another sip of juice.

"Because my mom gave it to me, it was her favorite place here."

"Oh she lives here? Where is she?"

Jaehyun said, finally taking a sip of the water he's been eyeing. I looked at him, my head tilting slightly as I raised my eyebrows. It's getting on my nerves how oblivious he's trying to act in front of my face like I'm stupid.

"She's dead, the Koreans got to her, you probably know them right?"

"I've heard a little about them, but not too much, I'm so sorry about that Y/n."

I looked at him, taking a sip from my juice.

"An apology isn't gonna bring her back Jaehyun-"

"WOOOO."

We broke eye contact suddenly, the waiter coming up to us with the food. "Thank you." He hummed, as I smiled enthusiastically, grabbing my utensils.

"There's a party I want to go to tonight."

He looked at his plate, scooping food up into his fork. "Mmm." He hummed, looking up at me. "We're going." I spoke in a demanding tone as he silently finished his food. I looked at him, finishing the last spoonful on my plate. He nodded, looking up at me. "I think you're a bit too old for parties, but hey." He looked up at me, a blank look on his face, placing a hundred dollar bill on the table to pay for the food, getting up pushing his chair in.

"First of all, I'm only 23, second it's an adult party, 21+ at a hotel so don't do that."

I said, following him outside, the cool air chilling my cheeks. "Ok well, I don't feel like getting into another gun fight so please, make sure it's safe." He said as he opened the passenger door to the car for me, his eyes following me as I got in. "I can hire another bodyguard if you don't feel like it" I looked up at him, his hand resting on the top of the car door, his eyebrows raising up as he rolled his eyes.

"Shut up."

"Make me."

I looked up at him, a sly smirk appearing on my face like the one from last night, our eyes locking. "The same way I made you last night?" I turned into the car, looking away silently as he shut the door, getting into the drivers side and driving away, going back home.

Hours passed and the sun started to set as I got ready in front of the mirror, slipping on my black dress, struggling to zip up the back.

"Jaehyun, can you help me with this?"

I asked from inside the bathroom. He walked into the bathroom standing behind me as I looked at him from the mirror. "Can you help me with my zipper." I said, his hands finding the zipper on my dress, his fingers slightly brushing my bare back as he pulled it up slowly, looking at me through the mirror after. "Thanks." I smiled, completing the finishing touches to my lips, looking at Jaehyun still staring at me from the mirror.

"What?"

"It's just taking everything in me to not bend you over on this sink right now."

I looked at him before turning around. "Get a grip." I playfully hit his chest, pushing past him. "Plus you need to get dressed anyways."

"Ok whatever." He said as I smiled, slipping on my shoes at the door.

We made it to the hotel, the dining room a beautiful champagne color with crystal chandeliers. The last time I've been to a party like this was when I was living back at home, so yeah, a pretty long time.

"Oh my goodness I know that's not Y/n."

I heard, the blonde girl standing in front of me. "Hi, long time no see Emily." I sat there with a forced smile, hugging her gently as a man stood behind her. "This is my husband John." She pointed behind her as he gave a smug smile, waving before standing behind her quietly again. "Four years married," she smiled at me. "I must ask, are you married yet Y/n, I know you had a rough time with relationships in college?"

"No, I'm far too young you know. I know you started college late so it's not absurd for you to be married right now, but I'm exploring life."

She gave me a passive aggressive smile, nodded slowly as she took a sip from her champagne glass. "Oh ok I see, you know I was traveling the world before I went to college so I get what you mean, and do you have a job or are you still using your families money?"

"Oh my family has me under control. Speaking of families did your's finally pay your gambling debt, or did you do that on your own?”

Her eyes widened slightly before a forced grin appeared on her face. "Oh Y/n, I think this handsome gentleman behind you is trying to get through."

I looked behind me, Jaehyun standing there looking down at me, his suit fitting him almost perfectly as his bangs hung over his forehead.

"Oh no my dear, he's with me."

I smugly smiled, grabbing his arm, linking mine with his. "Oh really, wow im happy for you y/n... Well I'll leave you two to it, it was nice to see you again." She smiled before turning away, greeting other guest.

I rolled my eyes, turning to Jaehyun as he sat there with an awkward expression on his face. "I can't stand her Jae." I smiled as I rubbed his arm, the feeling of his soft, matte, velvet suit leaving small tingles on my fingers.

"I have to use the bathroom ." He smiled.

"Should I come with you?" I asked.

He shook his head no, before disappearing into the crowd. I sat there for a second quietly, holding my purse tightly in my hand as nothing but people's conversations erupted on all sides of me.

"Y/n?"

I heard from behind me, rolling my eyes slowly not wanting another tense interaction with an old peer. I turned around, forcing another smile yet again, before it dropped, my eyes widening. He was very well put together, a black blazer that almost fit him perfectly, like it was designed just for him. His hair was jet black, messily slicked back.

"Doyoung?!"

I pulled him into a hug smiling, looking into his beautiful crystal eyes as they sparkled. "I thought that was you, how have you been?" He gave a comforting smile.

"Oh I've been good, how have you been?" Before he could answer we were interrupted by Jaehyun.

"Who is this?"

He handed me a drink, looking at him with a smile, then back at me. "Omg this was like my best friend ever in college before I went back home."

"I'm Doyoung." He looked at Jaehyun with a smile, shaking his hand, Jaehyun nodding. "How about we go to the hotel bar so we can catch up without any noise?" Doyoung suggested, looking at me as I nodded in response.

We went to go sit at the bar, Doyoung asking for a vodka on the rocks. "That's a pretty strong drink, do you have a ride home?" I questioned, taking a sip of my margarita, Jaehyun sitting beside me with a sprite.

"Don't be foolish Y/n, I wouldn't drink and drive. I have a hotel room here tonight." He smiled, his eyes squinting close as he swallowed the alcohol, his nose scrunching up. "You're still as cute as I remember when you drink Doyoung."

"Um, I'm here too." Jaehyun cleared his throat as I turned back to look at him.

"Shh, I haven't seen him in forever, let us speak." I turned back to Doyoung, smiling as he chuckled slightly.

"So how have you been Doyoungie, I've missed you." His cheeks flushed light pink for a second as he smiled.

"Well, I've been pretty good, I've visited your home country Canada, and I literally could only think of you the whole time I was there." I smiled, finishing up my margarita, turning to Jaehyun giving him a small smile before turning back.

"I'm honored, I remembered you've always wanted to go there too, I'm happy for you. How's your relationship, are you still with that same girl?" He smiled, resting his hands on his crotch area, laying back in his chair comfortably.

"No, she wanted to break up after she found out we kissed."

"Are you serious? Y'all weren't even together yet."

He did a small laugh, fishing his wallet out of his pocket, placing a crisp 50 dollar bill on the bar counter.

"She thought we hooked up after, I told her we didn't, but she took it upon herself to not believe me." I raised my eyebrows, an astonished expression appearing on my face. "I cant even imagine hooking up with you."

"Let me show you."

The eyes that were once sparkly and doe'd were now darkened and sharp. "Hm?" I looked at him, trying to make sure I heard what he said correctly, or in the right context.

"Let me show you how it is to hook up with me." His voice was husky and low almost in a faint whisper.

I looked beside me to see Jaehyun glued to his phone, not removing his eyes from his screen. "What, you want him to join in? Ask, I like to try new things." He signaled for the bartender, asking for a pen and paper, writing down his hotel room number, sliding it to me.

"Come up when you've made up your mind." He said, slipping away from the bar.

I stood there still, not knowing what to do, getting knocked out of my thoughts by Jaehyun tapping on my shoulder.

"So are we going?"

He said, making me turn around to face him. "Hm?" I said, trying to pull that same card with him. "Going up to his hotel room?" His voice was possessive as he looked at me with stipulating eyes, basically demanding an answer instantly.

"Do you want to?"

"Mmm," He hummed teasingly, reaching to me, grabbing the sheet of paper out of my hand, examining it.

"I know you want to mama, so why are you asking me."

He got up from the bar stool, grabbing my waist helping me up, his dark eyes almost speaking for themselves as I made eye contact with him.

"Keep looking at me like that and I'm gonna fuck you before we even get up there." I stayed quiet, looking forward as he followed me to the elevator.

I stood there awkwardly, waiting for him to come to door, Jaehyun standing behind me.

"Oh you're here, and I'm assuming he said yes?"

He stood at the doorway, that solid black blazer turning into a sheer black one, his black pants sitting perfectly on his waist.

"Speak mama."

Jaehyun said, our bodies practically touching as his hands caressed my waist ever so slightly.

"Yea, mhm." I said, Doyoung's eyes sparkling for a second, going back to its dark demeanor immediately after.

"Well, come in." He said, shutting the door behind me and Jaehyun, leading us to the bedroom.

It was dark, nothing but dimmed blue lights lit the room. That was strange for a hotel room, but before I could even question it further I was knocked out of my thoughts by the zipper of my dress being pulled down.

"We're gonna take good care of you princess." Doyoung said in front of me, slowly pulling my dress off my shoulders.

Jaehyun gently kissed my shoulders, slowly making it to the sides of my neck. "Let me." Doyoung told Jaehyun, causing him to get from behind me. Doyoung pushed me onto the tv stand, getting on his knees in front of me as he slid the rest of my dress, along with my underwear off. Jaehyun grabbed my feet, removing my shoes as Doyoung planted kisses on my leg, slowly making his way up to my thigh.

I rested my hands on tv stand to keep myself balanced as he grabbed my hips, pulling me closer to him.

"You're already soaked Y/n, we've barely touched you." Doyoung said, teasing my folds with his fingers, causing me to suck in a sharp breath.

"Do you want it?" Doyoung questioned, his voice vibrating into my thigh, sending shivers up to my spine.

"Mhm."

My voice was desperate as I closed my eyes, his tongue entering my hole abruptly. Every time he went in deeper his nose made friction with my clit, causing swift moans out of me. His mouth made his way to my clit, sucking and licking passionately, placing a finger into my hole.

"Fuck." I moaned out, wanting to say more, but my words getting choked up on pleasure. I looked up at Jaehyun, his eyes wandering over my body as he watched what unfolded in front of him. He placed another finger in, speeding up his pace as my arousal coated his fingers, his tounge attacking my clit.

"Oh fuck, that feels so good Doyoung. I'm almost there."

I whined out, the sounds of my moans, whimpers, and the mess he was making on my lower half sounded in the room as I threw my head back, gripping Doyoung's now completely messy hair.

He let out small moans and noises that vibrated on my clit, causing me to let out panting moans as he fingered me harshly. "Fuck, I'm there." My body stiffened as I let out a choked moan, Doyoung finishing off, looking at me as he wiped the arousal that was left on his chin.

"Fuck, so messy y/n."

He got off his knees, taking a seat beside Jaehyun on the bed, shining him a sarcastic smirk causing jaehyun to get up. He smiled, walking behind me, trailing his fingers across my collar bone leading to the back of my neck. I looked at Doyoung, his eyes dark, as he titled his head sideways slightly.

"I bet I can make you feel better." Jaehyun whispered in my ear before pushing me down, making my face fall into Doyoung's lap.

I looked up at him to be met with a cold gaze, his hands rubbing over my head, making their way to my face, cupping and squeezing my cheeks forcing my mouth open. "You wanna do something for me princess?" His free hand made its way to his pants, forcefully unzipping them, taking out his member as I looked up at him.

Jaehyun grabbed my hands, placing them behind my back, causing my face to fall further into Doyoung's lap, my back arcing slightly. I tried to remove my hands from Jaehyun's grasp so I could use them on Doyoung, but he pushed them down, holding my wrist tightly together.

"I'm sure your pretty mouth can do well by itself." Doyoung hummed, placing his fingers on my chin causing my head to lift up.

Doyoung looked down at me, opening his mouth slightly, a small twinkle appearing in his eye as I sat my tongue on the bottom of his shaft, lifting my head as my tongue dragged up to his tip. I circled my tongue around the top as I felt Jaehyun at my entrance, teasing my hole. I let out a few shuddered breaths, Doyoung's hands finding their way to my head, softly grabbing and pulling.

"Fuck." Jaehyun cursed as he pushed into me, causing me to let out a whiny moan. I tried to look back at Jaehyun to see what he was doing, but failed when Doyoung turned my head back to his his.

Jaehyun started to pick up the pace, moving aimlessly as he went deeper making perfect thrust causing loud moans out of me. I looked up at Doyoung his eyes on my face as I lifted my head, making my back arch even more. The feeling of my hands being pressed against my back making me almost weak.

"Don't be selfish now."

I took no time setting my mouth on his tip, but this wasn't good enough for him. Doyoung pushed down my head further, my throat tightening around his length causing him to let out a desperate moan. As my head bobbed up and down on Doyoung, Jaehyun made harder thrust making my moans and the loud noises coming from my throat vibrate around Doyoung, causing him to shiver as he gripped my hair tighter.

"Shit Y/n." Doyoung whimpered out, throwing back his head as he let out small moans.

"And don't you dare come until I tell you to Y/n"

I heard Jaehyun curse from behind me, his pace now at an unimaginable speed as I cried out muffled moans around Doyoung's length. Jaehyun let out panting moans as his thrust started to get sloppier by the minute. Doyoung was no better as he let out loud cries and curses.

"I'm there Y/n." Doyoung whimpered out, his dick twitching inside my mouth, his hands grabbing my hair tighter in a way that made sure it didn't hurt. He pulled me off of him, releasing on my face as his liquid dripped down.

"So pretty baby." He smiled, rubbing the tears he created off my eyes.

My moans took no time to escape my mouth as Jaehyun did a few more rough thrust causing him to finish.

"Fuck."

He cursed, removing himself out of me. I took a few deep breaths, looking at Doyoung, his attention gearing towards Jaehyun.

"Where the fuck did you get a condom from?"

Jaehyun looked up at him, shrugging as he threw the used rubber in the trash can.

"Did he make you come baby?" Doyoung looked down at me as I shook my head no.

"Aw, do you want to come baby?"

He looked up at Jaehyun then back down at me as I nodded.

"Would you like me to use a condom too princess?"

He said, helping me up on the bed, my back hitting the cold sheets as my head laid on a pillow. I nodded again causing Doyoung to turn back to Jaehyun again, raising his eyebrows as he put out his hand in command, signaling for Jaehyun to hand him a rubber.

"I don't want to watch this, I'll be out in the living room when you're done y/n." Jaehyun looked at me, grabbing his pants as he headed out to the living room, shutting the door behind him.

"Well."

Doyoung turned around to face me, ripping the condom packaging open with his teeth. He got on top of me, kissing me on the neck slowly, making his way down to my collar bone.

"You're so pretty." He whispered, entering his length into me fully, causing a tired moan out of me.

"Fuck." I moaned out as he went in and out of me, going deeper everytime. "So pretty." He whispered into my cheek, one of his hands on my waist, the other holding my hand beside my head. I let out loud moans as my skin flushed from all the pleasure. My other hand found its way to his hair, tugging as his thrust started to get faster and rougher.

"How does this feel?" He questioned, his voice was breathless, rustier, deeper making the pleasure far more intense.

"Good, I'm almost there." I whined out.

I was reaching my high as he hit my g-spot, causing me to clench around him. He let out a loud whimper, his thrust getting sloppier as he moaned into my neck, his breath leaving tingles along my skin. My legs started to shake violently under him as I felt him smile into my skin.

"This is all for you princess."

He said, looking at me, placing a passionate kiss on my lips as we both reached our highs.

“Wow." He said as we sat there for a second, his dick twitching inside of me.

"Are you going straight home or would you like to freshen up?" He said, exiting out of me, rolling beside me on the bed.

"I'll freshen up real quick."

He nodded, helping me to the bathroom, shutting the door after he handed me a towel and washcloth.

I got dressed after my quick shower, walking out the bathroom to see Doyoung sitting on the bed with his phone in his hand, looking quite frustrated as he fiddled with it.

He turned to me, turning his phone and throwing it quickly away from him.

"I'll walk you out." He forced a smile, grabbing my waist, helping me into the living room.

"Took long enough." Jaehyun said, sitting on the couch. "You ready to go mama?"

He said, getting up, grabbing his keys as I nodded.

"Oh wait, here." Doyoung said, causing me to turn around. He grabbed a piece of paper and a pen, writing something down before handing it to me.

"Call if you need anything ok, it was a Joy having you here tonight Y/n, and uh you." He gave a displeased look to Jaehyun before looking back at me smiling.

"You too Doyoungie." I smiled before walking out the door behind Jaehyun.

—————————————————————————————

Jaehyun.

—————————————————————————————

“I have to step out real quick."

I grabbed my keys from the nightstand, going to the door, slipping on my shoes. I turned to her, her pretty doe eyes staring daggers into mines innocently.

"What?" I said, grabbing my coat.

"Can I come with you Jae?" She questioned, smiling as she got up from the bed, meeting me at the door like it was more of a command than a question. "Um, I don't know Y/n." I said, opening the door, eyeing her as she put her shoes on, grabbing a jacket and scarf.

"I'm coming with you." She smiled, following me outside to the car, getting in the passengers side without any second thought.

I pulled out my phone, sending a text message before pulling off. I looked to my side for a second, Y/n leaning on the car door, her eyes reflecting the moonlight as they sparkled when she looked out the window.

I grinned, turning back to the road, pulling up to a bar.

"Stay here, do not move Y/n, I mean it."

She looked at me, nodding with a smile before looking away, resting her head on the car door again. I took a small deep breath, getting out the car, locking it behind me before making my way to the side of the bar, sitting at a table, trying to get comfortable in the bar stool.

"I got your favorite, Whiskey sour." He slid the drink to me. I raised my eyebrows in appreciation as I took a sip.

"It was clever to host a party like that Doyoung." He smiled, taking a sip from his drink.

"I know, you've never been the brains in the operations I can say."

"Ouch." I laughed, wiping the corner of my mouth as he adjusted the collar on his black shirt.

"You owe me, that party came out of my bank account, a hefty penny." Doyoung took a bite out of the mozzarella sticks that sat in the middle of the table, as we laughed at the foolish statement.

"I do have some bad news though," Doyoung spoke.

"The video we took at the hotel corrupted, so all the footage is gone."

I looked at him, my face in daze as I leaned forward in interest. "Oh god? Guess we don't have anything to lure her dad in with. I'm sure we can try again, she's just as gullible as her damn mother." Doyoung giggled, taking a sip of his drink.

"Why did she look back at you when we were talking about Canada?" He questioned, his elbow resting on the table.

"Oh, she told me where she was actually from, she probably looked back at me to see if I spotted the lie." I smiled, taking another sip from my drink.

"She's probably not scared anymore, when we became friends it was in the middle of the whole fight so."

"Was it your plan to befriend her all along?" I said, swirling my straw in the drink, mixing what ever was left with the the ice cubes.

"No, it was actually a coincidence, I thought she was really pretty and had a crush on her," he laughed "By the time I figured out who she was, she was already gone."

I nodded, my face turning into one of realization as I looked at him, raising my eyebrows. "You were talking about her when we spoke on the phone?"

"Yes Jaehyun, I told you it was her like a thousand times remember, we were so in shock." I looked down, looking back up at him with a small smile.

"Yea I remember now."

"Why, do you think I should ask her out? My dad would kill me." He laughed, leaning back in his chair, grabbing the last mozzarella stick.

"No please don't, she's literally a slut, we hooked up like first night."

His eyes got wide as a smile circled around the mozzarella stick he was eating. He finished it off, his immense smile slowly fading smaller.

"Wait what?" His voice was a little cracked, his smile a little broken as he looked at me. The sparkle in his eyes could make anyone not want to hurt him, even his greatest enemy.

"Yeah, she's a little crazy." I laughed nervously, tapping the table with my finger tips.

"Yeah," he giggled.

"But why would you do that?" He looked at me, his eyes squinting slightly as he titled his head. "Well, she wanted to, and I was bored so I just did it. Plus I got to take her out to breakfast the next morning and find out more personal information about her."

"And what did you find out?" Doyoung said, his face getting far more agitated as I spoke calmly.

"Well she told me she was from France, and that her mom got killed— by us."

"So she told you stuff you already knew."

I gulped, looking at him timidly as I nodded. "Yea."

"So you hooked up and then took her on a date after I told you I liked her."

I looked down, staying completely silent as his upset aura soundlessly hit me in a way that hurt more than any physical punch.

"Doyoung." I said, following him as he got up from the table, walking to the alley behind the bar lighting a cigarette.

"Jaehyun, please get away from me. I am going to freak out on you."

"Doyoung I swear it was nothing."

He leaned on the wall, pushing the bud of the cigarette on the cold concrete of the bar.

"You know, you've always gotten everything you've wanted since we were kids, it's not fair." He looked up at me, his face full of indignation.

"Doyoung, it's not that serious I swear."

"But it is though. I want what I want too— I want something to myself, without having to share."

I looked at him, trying to make the conversation less daunting. "I'm the reason you even got to hook up with her in the first place, be grateful."

"Oh thanks for the handout Jaehyun, Im really grateful you left your leftovers for me." He walked up to me, an unsettling feeling washing over my body as I looked into his eyes that have now turned completely dark and cold.

"You give yourself way too much damn credit Jaehyun, in all reality you're just an asshole that only cares for yourself."

He was about to say something else, but choked on his words; rolling his eyes before walking away from me.

"Doyoung relax you can't even date her so I don't get what the big deal is." I shouted to him, my words getting choked up as regret and guilt spewed into my brain.

"You just don't get it do you." He paused, turning around to face me, his eyes filled of sorrow, voice shaky as he gave me a pitiful look.

"I'm sorry I said that Doyoung, I really am, but don't let something like this ruin our friendship."

"I was never your friend Jaehyun—" he took a deep breath, his eyes turning back cold.

"In fact, I hate you."

He reached into his pocket, pulling out an all black matte gun.

"Don't say that Doyoung, no you don't." I looked at the gun, then back up at him.

"I hate you, a lot. I wish my dad would've left you in that alleyway." He pointed the gun at me, his finger methodically finding its way to the trigger.

"Please, put the gun down. I'm sorry Doyoung, please just put it down. I won't do anything with her again."

"Oh I know." He sarcastically smiled.

"Goodbye Jaehyun— Fuck you."

I felt a sharp pain in my stomach, covering it up with my hands as I looked down, blood covering my fingers. I looked back up at him, a shocked expression on his face like he didn't think he would do it either.

I fell to the ground, looking up to the night sky, holding my wound taking it in as I got lightheaded.

"Jaehyun." A familiar voice rung in my ears as I just laid, ignoring it. I felt someone lift my head up and a tight pressure on my lower abdomen.

"Jaehyun it's gonna be ok, just look at me, you're gonna be ok." I saw Y/n's face ever so slightly, my vision blurring slowly as I fell weaker. "HELP!" I heard her scream over and over again, my vision getting weaker as the sounds surrounding me started to fade as well.

I looked to the stars again, closing my eyes slowly till everything was dark and I couldn't hear anymore.

—————————————————————————————

"He lost a lot of blood, but he's in surgery now and there's a very high chance that he will survive."

I looked at the doctor from my seat. My eyes were nearly shut as I sat there with my leg shaking anxiously.

"How long till I can see him?" I questioned, my voice raspier than usual.

"Let me go check on that for you Miss." I nodded, taking out my phone. I took a piece of paper out of my pocket, examining it before typing the digits into my keypad. The phone rang for a few seconds then I heard his voicemail.

"Hi this is Doyoung! I can't come to the phone right now but keep a look out because I'll call you back soon. Bye-bye!"

I took a deep breath, looking at the floor before hearing foot steps approaching me.

"Hi ma'am, it should just be two more hours and then you'll be able to see him. Can I get you anything while you wait?"

"No thank you." I smiled numbly, resting my head on my head as I dozed off slowly.

"Ma'am?"

I heard as I woke up a bit disturbed. The unpleasant feeling of the hospital lights shining in my eyes making me grumpy.

"Ma'am. He's out of surgery, you can follow me up to his room." The nurse said, looking at me with a slightly concerned look on her face. I followed her to his room, his eyes closed as he peacefully laid on the hospital bed.

“I know you’re probably tired so I’ll talk to you in the morning Miss…?”

“Y/n.” I smiled, my eyes puffy as she gave me a sympathetic smile, shutting the door behind her as she left the room. I looked back at him, walking to the hospital bed, biting my lip uncomfortably as I looked at him.

“I’m glad he didn’t leave you in that alleyway.” I whispered, half of me hoping he heard me, but the other half hoping he didn’t, hoping he didn’t find out what I was keeping from him in this way.

“I’m glad.”

I rubbed his cold, soft hand before finding my way to the couch that sat beside the bed. I laid, placing my jacket over my body as I looked at Jaehyun, the only thing moving was his chest as I followed the rhythm of his breathing with my tired eyes, dozing off soon after on the uncomfortable couch.

—————————————————————————————

To be continued …🎀

—————————————————————————————

Authors note- hi again! Sorry to leave you on a cliff hanger, but I will be going on a short break. When I come back the whole story will be posted, please feel free to dm me or comment if you would like to be tagged in part 2! I’m gonna say it again, but obviously their personalities are for the plot and I DO NOT think they are like this, or would do this. I hope you liked part 1 my loveys can’t wait to post part 2 for you🩷!

#kpop smut #nct x reader #nct smut #nct fanfic #18+ content #nct 127 #jaehyun smut #jaehyun fanfic #doyoung smut #doyoung fanfic #jaehyun x reader #doyoung x reader #nct mafia au #nct 127 smut #kpop fanfic #nct #nct imagines

300 notes · View notes

youreobsessedwithtoomanyfandoms · 2 years

Text

Did It Even Mean Anything?

Words: 1682

Warnings: angst, breakup, being played, only dating someone on a bet, probably poor writing but whatever

STRANGER THINGS Masterlist Main Masterlist

Request: "Gareth and Jeff make a bet with Eddie about not being able to get a date or a girl in general. Eddie asked out the quiet girl thinking it would be an easy bet, but realize they have a lot in common. Maybe the next day at school she finds out about the bet from over hearing it from Gareth and Jeff talking to Eddie. Ending of their reaction is up to you."

I have such a love/hate with this trope dude. Like, I love it, but I hate it at the exact same time.

I also hated making Gareth be the dick that he is in this. I love that guy so much man.

*EDIT AFTER WRITING AND POSTING*

THERE WILL BE NO FUCKING PART 2! I WROTE THIS WITH NO INTENT OF ONE! THEN THIS BECAME MORE POPULAR THAN I THOUGHT IT WOULD! AND PEOPLE WERE DEMANDING ME TO MAKE A PART 2 AND I WON'T FUCKING DO IT CAUSE YOU FUCKING DEMANDED IT AND YOU SHOULDN'T DO THAT! PLUS, I WOULD PISS Y'ALL OFF BY MAKING IT EVEN SADDER THAN IT ALREADY IS! IF YOU TRULY WANT ANOTHER PART THAT'LL BE HAPPY, WRITE IT YOURSELF!

I'm not trying to be an asshole I'm just tired of people asking for it when I have told them in the comments AND THE REBLOGS that I wasn't sure about it. But now I've decided to not.

But please, read this and continue to like it.

Anywho, enjoy

Eddie smirked at Y/N as he leaned against the lockers next to hers. She was quiet. Well, more reserved than most of the other girls that he knew of. And he knew that she had a crush on him. "So? What do you say, princess? Tomorrow, 7 o'clock? I pick you up at yours?" She stared at him with wide eyes before smiling softly and nodding. Eddie let out a small laugh, "You gonna use your words, darling?"

She felt her face heat up before letting out a soft, "Yeah." She cleared her throat and spoke a little louder, "Yeah, I would like that a lot."

He smiled, "Good. See you then." She nodded as he walked away.

And as he walked away, she turned to her locker and grabbed all of her books and piled them into her back. She couldn't believe it! Eddie Munson, the guy she had had a crush on since she met him her Freshman (his Sophomore) year, had just asked her out. She was ecstatic.

But she was also surprised. Eddie knew who she was? They had only ever spoken to each other 2 times. One was when he had asked her for a pencil. And the other was when he had asked what he missed in Mrs. Click's class because he had missed the past three days.

But that was 2 and a half years ago.

However, she stopped her worrying and walked out to her car. Excited that literally anyone had just asked her out. But she was also nervous because she had never been on a date before. So she had no idea what to do or wear.

However, unknown to her, Eddie was walking into the Hellfire room with the biggest shit-eating grin he had ever had. He opened the door, and with his luck, only Gareth and Jeff were there. He slammed his hands down on the table. "You two boys now owe me a hundred dollars each."

Gareth raised an eyebrow, "Why's that?"

"Because I just got my ass a fucking date."

Jeff scoffed, "Yeah? With who?"

"Y/N Y/L/N."

His friends started laughing. "Y/N Y/L/N? The girl who had literally had a crush on you since she met you?"

Eddie smirked, "You didn't say it couldn't someone easy. So pay the fuck up." Gareth and Jeff looked at one another and Eddie groaned, "Now what?"

"Date her until the end of the school year and you'll get your money."

"That wasn't the original fucking plan!"

Gareth shrugged, "Yeah, but we realized that you'll just go on one lousy date with her. Maybe even try to sleep with her. Then toss her to the side. Because we all know that you can't commit."

Eddie groaned, "You guys are literally the fucking worst."

They both shrugged this time, "You chose to befriend us, Eddie."

Eddie rolled his eyes, "Whatever." He ran a hand through his hair, "So I just have to date her until May 25th?" The other two nodded, "Fine. I guess I can do that."

Unfortunately for him, he would realize just how much he would fall for Y/H/C girl he just asked out on a bet.

Eddie was sitting next to Y/N in the back of his van at the Drive-Thru. Neither were really even watching it as they were just talking to each other. He was surprised to find out that she liked a lot of the same things he did.

"Actually, Rocky Horror is gonna be showed a town over in two weeks. I was planning on going, maybe, if you wanted, we could go together." The smile on her face as soft as she asked him.

He returned the smile and nodded, "That would be fun." He leaned back, against the side of his van. "One question. Do you dress up?"

She laughed, "Of course I do! Usually I do Janet as that's all that I really have clothes for. But I recently found a old maids outfit that I'm gonna fix up to look like Magenta. Hopefully it'll be ready in time."

He grabbed a piece of popcorn and popped it into his mouth. "I bet it will be."

He laughed lightly and she smiled at him confused. "What?"

"I just...I don't get this. You're literally so...perfect. I mean. You're so nice, you like the same things as me, and you're hot." She felt her face heat up at the last comment. "You're like a dream come true Y/N Y/L/N."

She smirked, "What? Did you think that I was gonna like a lot of popular stuff?"

"Kinda?"

She laughed, "I do like some of it. There are some chick-flicks that I love. Some music. I just like whatever I like."

He nodded, "What's your opinion on DnD."

"I've never played. But it seems pretty interesting. I don't really understand why people say it's 'satanic'. And that people who play it are 'devil worshippers' and 'evil'. Games don't make being evil. It's what they're surrounded by that do it."

He smiled, "I like your thinking."

For the rest of the film, the two of them continued to just talk about different things that they liked. And Eddie continued to be surprised that the two of them liked the same things as each other.

But the guilt that he just asked her out on a bet grew more and more.

The two had gotten together in January and now March was ending and April was starting. Eddie had truly started to fall for Y/N after a week. But he kept feeling guilty that this all started because of a stupid bet he had made with his friends. He had felt like he was using her this whole time. But he knew it wasn't true. Everything he had said and done had been true. And when he told her that he loved her. He had meant it.

But he knew he would have to tell her the truth at some point. Even if he knew that he would hurt the both of them. But he wasn't going to do that until after he talked to Jeff and Gareth and called the bet off.

Y/N walked down the hall to the Hellfire room. She had to ask Eddie if she had left her jacket over at his trailer. But she felt her blood run cold when she overheard a conversation that she knew she shouldn't have.

"-You can't do that dude! You calling off the bet means that you have to pay us! I thought that you hated losing!"

"Yeah? Well I didn't plan on actually falling for her! I can't go through with the fucking bet! It'll just hurt her!"

"That's your fault bro. You knew that this could happen, but you went through with it. You asked Y/N out on a bet, knowing that you easily could fall for her."

She hadn't realized that she walked into the room fully until she dropped the books in her arms and the three boys turned to her. Guilt covered Eddie's face when he saw her. And he was barely able to get her name out before she ran out of the room. He cursed under his breath and turned to Gareth and Jeff. "The bet is over. I'll pay you two tomorrow." And then without even giving them a chance to respond, he ran out to find Y/N.

He had a good idea where she would be. He remembered something she had mentioned once about a place in the woods. Different than the place he would meet people for deals. She had shown him it once. And when he made it to there, he felt his heart break. He heard her crying. And it pained him to know that she was crying because of him. Because of what he had done.

As a twig snapped under his foot, her head snapped around. She wiped the tears away from her eyes. "Leave me alone."

"Princess-"

"No. No don't. Don't do that." She stood up, "Don't sit there and say 'princess' and act all innocent. Act-act as if...as if this isn't all a lie!"

He shook his head, "It isn't a lie! I do love you! More than anything!"

She shook her head, "I was nothing more than a fucking bet. You asked me out just so you could...could what? Get money? Prove that you aren't a fucking loser?"

"Y/N I-"

"Was any of it even real?"

"What?"

She walked over to him and poked his chest, "Any of it? Was. It. Even. Real. Did you mean any of it? Or was it all apart of the fucking bet?"

"I meant everything I said and did!"

She let in a shaky breath, "Why me? Why did you choose me to be the fucking victim?" She laughed, "Actually. No wait, let me guess. You asked me because you thought I would be easy. Because you knew I had fucking liked you for years. Am I right?" He stayed silent. She was right. He had originally asked her because he knew that she would say right. She let out a small, dry laugh. "I should have fucking known. It was all too good to be true. I mean, why else would Eddie 'the freak' Munson ask me out? Why else if I wasn't just supposed to be another notch on his belt?" She looked at him, "Well, go find yourself some other girl to fuck with. Because we're fucking done." She pushed past him, but not without saying, "God, I wish I never had been seen with the freak of Hawkins."

And he watched as she walked away and felt him heart tear into a million pieces. He knew he had fucked up. He knew he should have told her the minute he gained feelings. But he didn't and now he had fucked everything up.

And now the one person who he had actually fallen for, hated him more than anything.

#eddie #munson #eddie munson #eddie munson x reader #eddie munson imagine #eddie munson request #stranger #things #stranger things #stranger things x reader #stranger things imagine #stranger things request #x reader #imagine #request

6K notes · View notes

disneyprincemuke · 6 months

Text

midnights, 10.1 * mv1

you take a deep breath, bottom lip quivering as another lump forms in your throat again. “max,” your voice wavers as you close your eyes, “come on, don’t do this to me.”

“it’s okay if you don’t want to.” max sounds sadder than he did. disappointed, even. his voice is low as he squeezes your hand with all that he’s got. “i just- i-“ he clears his throat, “i don’t want you to go.”

you shake your head, squeaking. you lift up both of your hands and press your lips to his knuckle. you open your eyes and let the tears flow out.

“it’s so risky for us to do that,” you frown. “getting over you is the hardest thing i’ve ever had to do. i felt like i was going to go crazy watching my phone for a text that never came.”

he nods, resting his head on the wall again. “it’s okay.”

“i want to remember you as a good person,” you whisper. you rest your forehead on his hands. “i’m sorry, max. i love you but i don’t want to hate you if all this spirals where we’d ended up in the first place.”

you breathe out shakily. “i can’t do that to you, max.”

you feel him move, taking his hand out of your grasp. he inches towards you and pulls you into his body, an arm around your shoulders and rubbing your arms.

“i get it,” he agrees, pressing his lips to the back of your shoulder. “i had the time of my life with you. thank you so much for loving me the way that you did.”

all you can do is choke out his name in a sob. you always imagined this moment, and never did you expect yourself to refrain a second chance at what you consider happiness. especially not from max.

the max that you’d fallen in love with years ago. the max that used to be yours.

“and i’m sorry if i didn’t love you the way you deserved months leading up to this,” he shakes his head, “there’s no excuse. but i hope you never doubted for a second that i did.”

you drop your head into your hands. “i love you, max. i really… i could never hate you.”

you feel him nod into your skin, cherishing whatever he could of the moment. so you lean into his hug, clinging onto the arm strewn over your torso for dear life.

max doesn’t move. it’s not often he hears you so adamant about a decision. this is something he simply has to let happen.

all he can think is how he never wants this moment to end. you have a point about getting back together, of course, but it doesn’t hurt any less. now he has to think of a future without you in it — after spending the longest time fitting you in every scenario.

there will be no more giggles in the dark during a thunderstorm, or waking up with you in his bed. no more reasons to buy unique scrunchies to add to your bowl or walking the paddocks hand-in-hand.

no more race weekends where he would rip off his helmet to see you waiting for him at parc ferme with a proud smile and open arms.

he will no longer have a reason to request for cocktail stock ups for every flight he will be taking.

even then, max knows that he will simply never be able to love anybody the way he loved you. it just feels like there’s no more moving on from this.

“thank you for letting me be a part of your family,” you hum, basking in the security of his arms one last time. “and i’m so so proud of the person you’ve become now. you’ve come so far.”

max smiles. “i was only able to do it all because you were always there.”

but you shake your head. you pat his knee, “you did it all on your own. i’m just glad i was here to see it firsthand.”

“for the record,” he whispers, “if it doesn’t work out with any other loser out there, my arms are always open for you.”

“don’t forget me, ‘kay?”

“i couldn’t even if i tried.”

you smile and glance at the wall clock. you sigh and pull away. “i’ve got an early morning with my colleagues. i have to go.”

“stay.” max keeps thinking he can bear to watch you walk out of that door again, but he just can’t. “just don’t go.”

“i have to. i don’t want to hurt you,” you frown, trying to rid his arms from your skin. when he finally pulls away, it leaves an empty feeling in your stomach. “trust that you’ll find someone again. i’m not the only girl in the world.”

he just frowns, refusing to meet your eyes. “i want you to be the only one.”

“max.”

“i know.”

he straightens his back, wiping his face roughly. “let me walk you out, at least?”

you smile with a small nod. you grab your purse on the floor next to you, accepting the hand max has extended to help you off the floor.

you huff, dusting off his shoulder. “we’ll be okay.”

max nods. he walks to you the door with his hand on the small of your back. it’s a good thing he doesn’t live here because he personally would feel sick watching the love of his life bid her final goodbye.

he counts his footsteps to the door. it feels like forever, everything happening so clearly right before his eyes.

he opens the door for you, leaning on the doorframe with his head hung low. hollow eyes bore into your teary eyes. “i guess this is goodbye.”

“i guess it is,” you say shakily, tears still rolling down your eyes. you heave a sob and reach out for his hands. “this is for the best. you know that, right?”

“i know,” max nods. “i wish it didn’t have to end like this.”

“me too.” your hands lift to cup his cheeks, wiping away the tears that fall endlessly. “don’t lose your spark, okay? i’m still a red bull fan.”

he smiles with a nod. “i’ll see you around.”

“i’ll see you on tv.”

taglist: @merchelsea @leclercdream @labelledejourr @laneyspaulding19 @lpab @graciewrote @hollie911 @thatsojasminesworld @mycenterfold @princessria127 @ironmaiden1313 @dl-yum @crlsummer @brekkers-whore @minkyungseokie @honethatty12 @barelytolerabled @vellicora @lokigoeschoki @avg-golden-retriever @lokigoeschoki @cherry-piee @telengraph @eviethetheatrefreak @hrlzy

#AAAABSOLUTELY CRIED WRITING THIS #U DONT EVEN UNDERSTAND #YOOOOOOO #this hit hard #disneyprincemuke #disneyprincemuke imagine #disneyprincemuke midnights #disneyprincemuke f1 #max verstappen #max verstappen x reader #max verstappen x fem!reader #max verstappen x you #max verstappen fanfic #formula 1 #formula 1 x reader #f1 #f1 x reader #f1 x you #f1 fanfic

252 notes · View notes

almondest · 1 year

Text

Favorite Crime

:: Blade ， Jing Yuan ， Dan Heng ， Sampo ， Gepard

summary: breaking up under certain circumstances, adhering to you as their favorite crime.

a/n: ib by what I'm currently going through RAAAAAAAAAAAA (expect for more angst in the coming days)

The things you did.

You played a significant role in him. Blade was sure you two would last longer than expected, but it was never bound to happen.

When you asked to end things with him in unfortunate circumstances, he felt his whole world turn upside down. The way all the things you did reflect in his vision every night.

There was no remedy for those memories, your face played like a melody that won't leave his head.

"Why..?" He meekly whispered. he was facing you, the tears that were threatening to fall down those crimson eyes were so forcibly kept. Instead, he just looked at you, scanning those eyes of yours in an attempt to convince himself that you were just joking.

"I'm sorry Blade. I-I just have too much on my plate right now..." You whispered back, before turning away from him. "I love you Blade, I really do. But because of this, I had to cut you off. for our sake."

Well, I hope I was your favorite crime.

He loves you so much, that he doesn't want to see you hurting. But Jing Yuans method, brought you down and just made you sadder than you already were.

You thought you knew him, but I guess you didn't. He hides so much stuff that you just wished he'd be free to tell you anything and everything.

"So, you were engaged?" You looked at him dejected, tears were slowly blurring your vision. "So you knew..."

"And you were planning to keep me from the dark? Do you never plan to tell me? I wouldn't have known if Yanqing never told me." Your tears finally gave out, breaking down right in front of him. "I was trying to get you to hate me!" You sighed, wiping away the tears that stained your cheek.

"Maybe we need to cool off for a while? Or better, Maybe we need to gather enough time for ourselves." You turned your back on him. "I love you. I really do, but maybe this isn't the right time for us."

It's bittersweet to think about the damage that we'd do.

After a heated argument with him a few days ago, you two gradually made up. But you always felt that deep inside, something was going on with Dan Heng. He was slightly colder, the vibe he gave off whenever you two met felt unfamiliar. It was as if, the love that once radiated to the two of you disappeared like nothing.

"I can't help but think, that as if we're strangers heng..." You started, walking towards the couch to sit beside him. "is something going on? You know you can tell me..." You whisper, taking his hand and playing with it.

He remained silent, treating you like a breeze of wind. 'No, nothing is going on my love...' Is what he wants his mouth to speak out but nothing comes out. "Did I do something wrong again? Please talk to me..." You started pleading, tightening your grip to his hand. 'No..You never did.'

Yet despite your pleas and begs, he never shared a glance with you. "[Name], let's end this." 'Fuck, please don't cry.'

Cause I was going down and I was doing it with you.

The first few years of your relationship was a blast. It was fun, it was something you never experienced with others before. Sampo was someone you gave your heart to ever so fast. But sometimes, these can be bound to break.

"You don't understand!" You screamed, accidentally throwing the vase of flowers that he gave you for your 3rd anniversary a few days ago, immediately feeling guilt rush through you.

He raised both his hands as a sign of surrendering. "[Name], my darling please don't get mad anymore... I swear I'll never really do it again!" You irked at those words of his. No matter what he says, you no longer felt the urge to give him another chance.

"Sampo, I'm done. Let's stop this..." You sighed, tears threatening to fall. "Once a thief, always a thief."

But I say that I hate you with a smile on my face.

He's beginning to grow distant. Gepard who once knew how to balance both his time for work, and for you was no longer there. After the whole fiasco of having 3 wanted people, he gradually lost time with you. And whenever he had, you did your best to get him to cheer up and spend time with you, but all you ended up receiving was a harsh cold shout of "leave me alone!".

"I'm home." A soft masculine voice echoed through your shared apartment but you never ought to give a response.

Soft creaking of the wooden floorboards were subtly heard, stripping your attention off to the newspaper you were reading. "Ah, you're home..." You unenthusiastically greeted.

You knew deep down that he had reasons as to why he acted that way for the past few weeks, you tolerated it and understood his situation. But when he actually shouted at you more louder than before gave your last straw.

Never once did he apologize after lashing out on you, never once did he even try to check up on you right after.

"Gepard, do you love me?" You asked, breathing in the courage to finally say it out. "Hmm? What's up? Of course I do... You don't know how much I do." He softly mouths, walking near you to give you an embrace he longed for.

"Oh, is that so?" You asked. "Are you doubting me?"

Long pause. Long pauses. Silence.

"I... Maybe we need space for a little while?"

531 notes · View notes

tojisbbygworl · 11 months

Text

Before I Let Go - Yandere!Miguel O’Hara x Reader

Summary: A grieving woman comes face to face with her thought to be deceased husband and can't find it in her to care about how wrong this was. She missed him. So much.

WARNINGS: Thoughts of Suicide, Suicide Attempt

Words: 4,994

Tags: 18+, 3rd person, Angst, Emotional Smut, Desperation, Grief/Mourning, Yandere, Spying, Kidnapping, Minimal Spanish terms of endearment

author's note: hey y'all. I have another fic for you. I am so glad I finished it it's been sitting in my drafts for a minute. The yandere part of this isn't violent although there is some slight physical pain put on the reader during sex. Just a mention of choking and scratching it's not bad. It's more obsession if anything. Also, I wasn't even gonna try with the Spanish girl. The most he says is carina and hermosa and I know y'all are sick of seeing that atp. I barely even tried with the British for Hobie I'm not about to embarrass myself LMAO

I hope this makes y'all sad honestly I feel like I could have made it sadder but I'm still very happy with it. Anyway, enjoy! 🩵

AO3 version

My AO3

Masterlist

The buzzing sound of a phone call is all that can be heard in the apartment. It has been a week since the funeral, and Y/N O’Hara hasn’t said a single word. She doesn't even remember what her voice sounds like.

Miguel O'Hara was everything to her. He meant the entire world. She would do anything he asked, but he never asked for much. All he wanted was her love. She was the same with him. A perfect partnership. She felt like she was on top of the universe. And then it was taken away from her. In a fucking car crash, no less.

He was the smartest person she knew. He was the head geneticist at Alchemax after all. He wasn't a stupid driver. No. It was the other driver's fault. But what could she do about it? It was just a kid. A teenager that had just gotten their license, but hadn't taken official driving lessons; no one really drilled into them the severity of texting while driving. How could she really blame them? How could she press charges? Miguel always told her that she was too forgiving. Too understanding.

He was right. But...she also couldn't help but to think it wasn't fair. That her beautiful husband had to die from their actions, and all they had to deal with was an insane insurance increase and a fucked up car that their parents were bound to replace. She would give anything to trade consequences. Anything.

Almost two months since his death, she's been wandering around her apartment frequenting the most common places she and Miguel would cuddle in. She always had a shared blanket, one of his shirts, or a pillow that had his hair on it to squeeze and cry into. If she sprayed it with his cologne and shut her eyes really tight, she could almost imagine he really was there. Almost.

These objects could never replace him. She missed his warmth. She missed his chest pushing her head up and down from his breathing. It would rumble when he chuckled. His hands were so large that her entire back would heat up when he held her gently. He was so tall, 6'6 to be exact, he would completely engulf her whenever they embraced. She felt so safe in his arms. She doesn't feel safe anymore.

Nearly two months of hunching over on the floor of her apartment in pain. She wailed into the ground. Coughing and scratching whatever she could hold onto, because the pain was too much to bare. Oh, the pain. She wouldn't wish this kind of heartbreak on anyone or anything.

The apartment was large, courtesy of his checks. He could already afford it on his own, then, the both of them married just a few years ago and he didn't expect her to pay a dime, despite how much she insisted. Instead, she bought food and handled upkeep. If it got too expensive, then he would chip in. She would have to move out eventually, his remaining income and life insurance the only thing keeping her afloat. Just another thing that she can’t fathom.

It was 3 bed, 2 bath. One was their bedroom, the other was his office, she's been going in there a lot as well, and they always wondered what they would do with the last room. For so long, it was empty even before she moved in with him. He never knew what he could use it for. He had hoped that she would turn it into a hobby room, she loved to paint and she played the violin a little, but there was a beautiful terrace attached to the apartment that she opted for instead and she insisted the living room had the best acoustics so the room remained a mystery. Until last year, when he dropped a bomb on her.

It was an extremely average day for the both of them. They were both home from work, nothing interesting to report, and were deciding what to eat for dinner. She suggests something they could cook, and he agrees. As the night goes on, something seems off about Miguel. He's quiet and zoning out a lot. Something has to be on his mind, right?

"Babe," she calls for him snapping him out of his trance.

"Hm?"

"Everything alright?" She puts her hand on his shoulders and gives him a worried look. Miguel swallows his spit then turns towards her grabbing her hand and placing his on her waist.

"I've been thinking..." His voice is small. She starts to grow anxious as she had never seen him look so timid. He was more nervous than when he asked her to marry him.

"W-What is it?" She stutters. He kisses her knuckles.

"It's just something that I've been wanting for a while now. And if you don't, then It's completely fine. I care about your happiness above everything."

"Miguel, stop being so cryptic and tell me what's up," She half jokes.

He nervously bites his lips and looks away. Then, taking a deep breath, he looks into her eyes and says, "I want to have a kid."

She felt it was best to pretend the work-in-progress nursery didn't exist. In her mind, the room is still empty. There wasn’t a crib set up. The walls weren't in the process of being painted. They didn't have arguments about what to put on it because they didn't know the gender. In fact, gender of what? They weren't planning for a baby. The third room is as empty as she is.

The both of them were foolish, deciding to get everything set up before she got pregnant instead of winging it like everyone else. She should have winged it. Then maybe she would still have a piece of him with her.

It was so fucking hard to focus on what mattered. She was hanging on a thread that thinned out every single day. Before the funeral, she wondered what would be her breaking point? The point where she finally got up and decided to keep going.

The weather was very fitting for that day. The sun was gone, and the rain came in waves. Her tears, however, never stopped. It was a stupid decision to make it open casket. She gazed upon his resting face for the first time since he died in the hospital then turned and ran to the nearest bathroom to empty her stomach. She hadn’t even gotten to say her speech; Miguel’s mother read for her instead.

Something inside her snapped. Sometimes the pain is a dull ache in her chest, and she’s numb everywhere else. Other times it’s a sharp twang that she can feel in her back. She has to lay or sit down when that happens. Sometimes it courses through her entire upper body and she can’t even move. But this…this stabbing, twisting, and searing pain that ripples through her heart and travels to the tip of her fingers and toes…she hasn’t felt this before.

This was the breaking point, but it did the opposite. She didn’t talk for the rest of the day, her and his family begging her to stay with them. She didn’t listen.

It was nights like tonight that she felt completely alone. She knew she wasn’t, if she just picked up the phone and texted someone, then maybe she would be okay. She just needed to stop looking at the ceiling, turn to her nightstand, pick up her phone, and call her mother. But it was 1 in the morning, and Miguel looked so happy in her lock screen picture…

Her and Miguel had been up here on the top of the apartment building so many times before. They liked to dance, he would watch her play or paint, they had picnics together, it was perfect when they wanted to get out of the apartment, but still have some privacy.

The view was nice. They could see across the entirety of Nueva York. Central Park in the fall was especially amazing to gaze upon. But now it fills her with grief. As she steps on top of the edge, she decides that if this couldn’t make her feel better, then nothing could.

She’s glad she’s doing this in the middle of the night, where no one could see her and call for help. She was sure that she would traumatize a couple people when morning came, a problem that she couldn’t be bothered by. She was ready to be back in his arms. So she walked off. And closed her eyes as she plummeted through the air.

She’s scared. But excited. She only has to feel excruciating pain for a second and then never again. It’s almost over.

She hits something, or more so, something hits her. She’s still flying through the air, but it’s different now. There’s a warm body holding onto her for dear life, and she’s soaring upwards into the night sky. Opening her eyes to gaze at her savior, she sees a masked silhouette. It-it’s Spider-Man…but he looks completely different. She can barely see him, the only source of light being the moon, but she could swear that this wasn’t his mask.

They land on the rooftop again and he puts her down. She crawls away from him, embarrassed and ashamed at what she’s done. She was still alive and now she was in more pain than ever before. Wailing on the floor, she glared up at him in vitriol.

“Why did you save me?” She yelled, her voice powerful for a woman who hadn’t been verbal for a week. Spider-Man didn’t answer. She wasn’t even sure if he was looking at her. “I didn’t want to be saved.” Still, he said nothing. So she continued to cry, and she cried harder and harder until she felt a sensation on her back.

He was trying to comfort her, but when she turned he backed off, holding his hands up instead. Her lips quivered, then she threw herself into his arms. His hold on her body was snug and comforting. Her anger for him dissipates immediately as she accepts his affection. For the first time in a while, she felt safe. She didn’t want him to let go.

And he didn’t. He stayed until she fell asleep in his arms. Then, he picked her up, gazing upon her peaceful face with the light from the inter dimensional portal, then walked into it with no intention of coming back.

This wasn’t her room.

She sat up in the bed and took in her surroundings. These weren’t her sheets, that wasn’t her wallpaper, the blinds were different, the floor wasn’t carpeted, everything even the floor plan of the room was different. This isn’t her home.

Her heart begins to pound. Where was she? She was still in her clothes, but that’s the only comfort that she had. Immediately, she shoots out of the bed, the comforter tangling in her feet making her fall onto the floor. The large thump that her fall makes scares her. She stays on the floor, still and quiet as a mouse. There's no noise for a couple seconds. Then, the sound of someone walking.

She hyperventilates, quickly removing herself from the blanket and standing up. But she realizes that she has no where to go. There's a small closet in the room, and space under the bed, but those the only hiding spaces she can think of. And the footsteps were getting closer. What can she do, she wonders as she backs into the wall.

The door swings open. And her heart stops.

Miguel stared at his wife's variant in concern and turns on the light. The woman blinks and shields her eyes, but the bewildered look that she sported quickly comes back. "What happened?"

When he spoke, she gasped and took another step back. She smacked her hand over her mouth. Her eyes glistened with tears, her breath shuddered. "You're alright?" Miguel asked her again. She didn't answer.

For what felt like the longest time, they just stared at each other. He was afraid of approaching her thinking he may scare her away. She was in completely disbelief at what she was seeing. Miguel raised his hands and stayed near the door way. "Please, don't freak out," he began.

She let out a sob, tears escaping her eyes when she did. Placing her hand on her chest, she lifts herself from the wall. Miguel takes this as a sign to keep going.

"I know you must be confused. You're probably upset and angry. I understand." She took a step forward. "But if you would just left me explain..." Another step. Then another. And another. And she held her hand out in front of her. As she approached him, he realized how badly she was trembling, and it only got worse the closer she got. But still, she moved forward.

The speech Miguel had been practicing before she woke up died in his throat. He was speechless as he watched her courageously close the space between them. When she finally stood right in front of him, she hesitated. He could hear her soft gasps and cries. Then finally, she softly touched his chest. He looked down at her hand, then up at her face. Even though she was crying profusely, she looked upon him in wonder. He just wants to reach out and grab her, but he holds himself back.

She begins to rub his chest and torso, appalled by his presence. He looks back down at her hands. Then, they trail themselves up to his neck, stopping right under his chin. He lifts his head up. They both hold their breath for a second. Then, with a gasp from her, and a sigh from him, she finally touches his cheek. Miguel closes his eyes and leans into her palm. He lifts his arm up, and encases her hand in his, keeping it in place.

Her lips begin to move. With a tiny shaky breath, she whispers, "It's you."

Miguel's face is troubled. He has a small frown and his eyebrows were upturned. He twists his head in her palm to give it a small kiss.

Her eyes flicker all over his body. It is him...but he's different. He's taller now. His build is thicker and he feels tense. Miguel was a gym buff, but this man...this kind of definition is not built in the gym. His frown is deep, and so are his wrinkles. His eyes were more troubled than hers, and had the slightest hint of red. And his teeth...she could feel his sharp canines with her thumb.

"No," she realizes. "It's not you."

Miguel opens his eyes and stares at her. He can see the fear growing on her face, and he starts to panic. He moves his hand to her wrist to hold it gently. But he's prepared to squeeze it if she tries to run. "I'm not him. But-"

"But you look like him." She continues, her voice on the precipice of hysteria. "And you sound like him." She holds both of his cheeks and caresses his face with her thumbs. "And you feel like him..."

Miguel winces as he watches her cry louder and louder with every observation. "Cariña, please," He takes her hands off of his face and kisses her knuckles. She completely breaks down crying. Miguel reaches his arms out, and she throws herself into his chest, sobbing into his neck. "You don't have to cry anymore. I'm here now."

"But who are you?" Her voice muffled by his shoulder.

He gulps. "...I am Miguel, but-"

"But you're not my Miguel, are you?" She lifts her head up to stare at him. She looked anguished, her brain not being able to process what was going on. He doesn't answer. "Did you save me?" He nodded. "Why?"

"I had to, baby. I-"

"Where did you come from?" She pushes herself off of him, and Miguel can't find it in him to hold her there. He let's go of her, knowing that there is no where she can really run where he won't find her. "No, where have you been?"

He furrows his brows and tilts his head. "What?"

"Where the hell have you been?" She screams at him in unbridled rage. Her tears were never ending, and her glare was fierce. "I was in fucking agony when you died. I couldn't live with myself. I couldn't get over you. I didn't want to. I missed you so much." Her anger turned into desperation and she falls to her knees on the floor, weeping into her hands. Miguel looks on in desolation, his eyes filling with tears as well. He walks to her and leans down, trying to get her to stand. She flips her head up at him. "Who are you?"

"Please, let me explain." He sits on the floor with her, holds her face and leans into it. She doesn't pull away, instead, she kisses him first, her cries never ending. Her hands tangle themselves in his hair. Miguel wraps his arms around her waist and pulls her into him. He sits back and pulls her into his lap.

The kiss lasts until they run out of breath, then they pull away, panting in each others' faces. "I...am Miguel." He starts. "But not your Miguel. And you are not my Y/N."

She shakes her head and scrunches up her face. "Just listen." Her mouth closes again, and she relaxes preparing herself to take in every word he says...

...Miguel spent a lot of time watching her. His Y/N, across the multiverse. In each one, they are together. It's fate. And in every one...she dies. No matter what that universe's Miguel does, she dies. That must be fate, too. Then he found a universe where that didn't happen. He died instead. He took a chance, and when he replaced himself he was the happiest he had ever been. And then everything was destroyed. An entire universe...gone. He swore to never interfere with fate again. He whispered a soft 'sorry' to every Miguel he found after that.

He saw her, Y/N on Earth - 548. Happy as ever with her devilishly handsome husband. He felt for him. He had no idea the heartbreak he was about to experience. But, for the second time in his studies, he was the one who died. He cried, knowing that he could never do anything about it. When she became a shell of her former self, he focused all of his attention on her. Putting all of his work on Jess and Peter, he monitored her. He watched her cry, she spent all of her time off from work at home rolling around in her bed as if the emotional pain was so strong that it was physical as well. He watched her touch herself at night, whispering his name into the empty air, him joining her from where he was spying groaning her name as well, wishing his cum was dripping from her cunt instead of down his hand. He called for her, hoping that his prayers to keep her safe would reach who ever was listening. They didn't.

He knew that when she sat up like a ghost from her bed that fateful night, she was about to do something rash. He held his hand over his watch, ready to jump as soon as he felt he needed to. When she began to walk to the edge, he decided to not even risk it and hopped into the portal.

He didn't expect her to turn and scream at him the way she did. He hadn't heard her beautiful voice for some time, he missed it so much, and the first thing she did was yell at him. He was stunned. He couldn't believe she was right in front of him. He looked at his watch. No indication of a canon event. There was nothing. Which meant...she was never supposed to die.

He was impulsive, he knows that. But, it worked out in his favor. She was supposed to be alive. He had done right. And now he had a decision to make. Does he leave her here to figure everything out on her own, or does he take her with him...and let her family think she's dead…

“You were watching me?”

Miguel refuses to meet her eyes. She didn’t move, but he tightened his grip around her just in case. Her voice was wavering.

When he didn’t answer, she continued. “Why didn’t you save him?”

He looked up at her that time. Above everything else, she was melancholy. “I couldn’t.”

“Why?”

“I just couldn’t, mi amor. You don’t understand.”

With her face contorted in pain, she released a choked sob. Her mouth was hung open. If she chose to believe this imposter, than hearing that nothing could have been done about the love of her life brought her no comfort. It wasn’t fair.

She gripped Miguel’s shirt letting her head fall forward into his chest. He held her for a long time while her shoulders shook. “Please, believe me.”

She doesn’t say anything, but her cries stopped. He began to worry, but she soon lifted her head up and looked into his eyes. His flicked back and forth between hers, and the both of them dive into another passionate kiss. This time, they don’t let up from each other. It gets more intense. Miguel’s breath picks up as his hands begin to explore her back and waist. She pushes her body up against his, rubbing their chests together.

She’s the one who pulls away opting to kiss down from his cheek to his neck. “Just come to bed with me. Please?” She begs into his skin.

Miguel, in a daze, whispers “Okay.”

He lifts her up and lays her down onto his bed, kissing her sweetly as he climbed on top of her. He felt so much bliss, he never imagined he would be able to do this again.

The way she grabbed his face made him never want to physically leave her side again. This was where he wanted to stay for the rest of their lives. She kissed him with so much despair, so much need, how could he ever leave her mouth? But, the strain in his pants and the grip she had on his back get worse, and he finds a reason to pull away.

She whimpers, missing the way his tongue caressed her mouth, leaving her lips swollen and shiny. Her eyes open, silently asking him where he was going, until he reached under the hem of her shirt and lifts it off of her, exposing her beautiful breasts. She gasps when he begins to rub his hand between them, eventually grabbing one to hold and play with. Miguel grins at her while she watches him rub his thumb across her hardened nipple. Which turned into her watching him dip his head down to her sternum and leave the smallest, lightest kiss.

The restraint he had on himself as he trailed his mouth down her body was unnatural. His claws had long since come out, ripping into the bedsheets as he tried so hard not replace them with her luscious hips. She was responding unbelievably well, making him happy he didn’t listen to Lyla tell him how terrible of an idea this was.

Lyla was wrong, he told himself when he heard her soft cry as his tongue played with her nipple. She began to squirm from frustration, and he just had to push his hips in between her open legs, the heat from his dick making her rub her wet panties along his shaft. Miguel moaned with her nipple fully inside his mouth, her moaning with him from the vibration against her chest.

She’s not scared of me, he thought as he leaves her nipple and kisses down her body. His lips finally met up with her panties, opting to push them to the side instead of taking them off completely. He places a kiss on her sensitive clit, his precum staining his underwear when she yelps. Miguel takes a moment to look at her glistening pussy, then he closes his eyes when he finally licks it.

And she doesn’t hate me. Miguel looks drunk when he starts eating her out. His eyebrows are raised and he gently placed her hand on her spread thigh, caressing the soft skin. Her whines making him even more desperate to please her, he presses his tongue into her center harder. His lips are covered with her fluid. Miguel gives her thigh a nice squeeze, then a slap, then he stands up straight.

When she opens her eyes to look at him, her heart races. His eyelids were low, and he towered over body making her feel smaller than she was. His stare was filled with infatuation, wiping off his lower face with one swipe of his large hand. Without breaking eye contact, he rips his shirt off and swipes his pants and underwear down, his large member bouncing back up. Miguel spit into his palm and started jerking himself off. Then, he climbs onto the bed, aligning his hips with hers.

He drools onto her pussy, her shuddering as his spit meets her clit and runs down her lips. It does well to lube her up with Miguel rubbing his tip in between her folds. “Ngh…fuck,” he mutters, the feeling of her wet cunt on his sensitive head giving him a feeling of euphoria.

She grew impatient, while Miguel was trying to take his time and savor her, she was ready to feel him split her apart. This was something she’s been dreaming about since she lost him. She waited for the day his naked body would engulf hers, his face on her cheek whispering filthy insults and sweet praises into her ear. As she remembers how sex used to be with her love, she starts to tear up.

“Miguel,” she whined making him look at her worriedly. When his eyes open, the red she noticed before is even more prominent. His mouth was opened slightly so she could barely see his fangs. How he could look so similar yet so different from her Miguel, she doesn’t know.

“Yes?” He asks her.

“Please, I can’t wait any longer. I want…” She moves her hips on him again. Miguel looks down at their hips and holds hers still.

He doesn’t respond, just pushes his length into her slowly. He grunts as he sheathes himself inside her warmth, reveling in her cries. “Shit, baby.” She’s tight and squeezing him so nicely, he can’t stop until he's inside of her fully.

She’s breathing heavily with her head thrown back and her eyes closed. Her back is arched lifting her naked chest into the air. “Look at me,” Miguel commands. She lifts her head up giving him what he wanted. Her eyes are filled with tears. It hurts, but feels so good. She missed him so much, and now they were one again.

Miguel whimpers at her beautiful face. “Hermosa,” he reaches out to her cheek to hold it. “Don’t cry.”

“But I love you,” she tells him.

He gasps. His hand lifts from her face. Freezing, he stares into her eyes in disbelief. “W-What?”

She takes his hand and brings it to her lips, leaving a gentle smooch. Her eyes close and the tears fall. “I love you, Miguel.”

His eyesight gets blurry as well, and soon Miguel is crying profusely. “Oh, baby,” he leans over her and pulls his hips backwards. Then he slams himself back down, making her yelp. She grabs his face and kisses him. “I love you too.”

As Miguel fucks her slowly, neither of them can find it in them to stay quiet. Miguel has to tell her how terribly in love with her he is. She has to let him know how much she missed him. He leans into her neck and whispers how he missed her too, and to stop crying because he’s here now. Even though, he can’t stop crying either.

She’s so happy to hear that he will never leave her side. She decides to believe him, accepting happiness instead of reality. She ignores his red eyes, his sharp fangs that press against her neck, as if he can barely hold himself back from biting her. She ignores how different the rumbling in his chest is from her Miguel. It’s not soft or sweet nor does it make her content. This one is predatory and dangerous, it makes her nervous.

She dismisses the way he grabs her neck; tight, leaving her with no air, whereas her Miguel knew that she didn’t like it rough. Honestly, neither did he. This Miguel went faster and harder. He grunted into her ear. But, she doesn't care.

She completely ignores how different this Miguel was. Her wishes were answered. She got him back. It doesn’t matter that his hold on her hip was so strong that he’s scratching her. That he didn’t stop or slow down when she came making her overstimulated. She let him cum inside her soon after, knowing that she wasn’t on anything.

“I miss you so fucking much,” she wailed when he slipped his dick out of her, his cum following suit and staining the bed beneath her.

Instead of getting a warm towel, Miguel laid down next to her and pulled her into his arms silencing her cries. “I told you baby, I’m right here.” But she doesn’t correct herself. She doesn’t calm down. She grips him for dear life and Miguel grows nervous.

Lyla was wrong…right?

“You know she will never love you the way she loved him. It will never be the same. Miguel...are you listening?”

“Lyla…shut down.”

ending a/n: Heyyyyy, did y'all like it? This will definitely not be my only Miguel fic but rn I don't really have any ideas for him. My brain is filled with thoughts of Hobie, and I need to stop neglecting my baby daddy Toji, lmao. So I'll be working on a real quick Hobie imagine and my AO3 stories as well for now. Unless I think of something else. I've been thinking about requests but I will fuck around and make a whole story from it cuz idk how to stop writing so damn much. Y'all I rly dk if I want to make another part to JFTN I rly like how it ended and I can't rly think about how I would continue it. Y'all might just have to deal idk girl. I love ya though! Anyway, I'll see y'all in the next story!🩵

AO3 version

My AO3

Masterlist

#across the spiderverse #miguel o'hara #miguel x reader #miguel o'hara smut #miguel o hara x reader #spiderman 2099 #spider man 2099 smut #yandere #yandere miguel o'hara #yandere miguel x reader

919 notes · View notes

barbarianprncess · 4 months

Text

annabeth chase and her many losing dogs: an (incomplete) anthology

read on ao3

chapter one: a (brief) introduction to the game and it's players

She gives Cerberus her red rubber ball.

Because he’s a monster, but she doesn’t think he means to be.

Because he’s a lonely dog and she is lonely the same way. The kind that doesn’t know how lonely it is until a person shows up and reminds them. The kind that wishes to just be left in loneliness long enough for companionship to be forgotten altogether.

The ball will make him happy. He will destroy it within minutes, it will disappear after he does nothing but be himself.

(She does that sometimes too.)

First Round: Frederick Chase

Bet Type: Blind Faith; awarded via mass tradition.

Made with no experience.

Trust given without the knowledge that trust must be earned.

Annabeth is four years old and hungry.

She hasn’t eaten since dinner last night.

Dad is playing with his planes again. The fancy small piece ones that Annabeth is not allowed to touch, ‘not now, not ever.’ She’s not supposed to bother Dad when he plays with his planes.

Plane time is Dad’s very special ‘by himself’ time. He’d explained a while ago that he has lots of very hard work to do, and then he has to take care of her which is even more lots of hard work, and sometimes he needs his special ‘by himself’ time, because Annabeth is a big girl now who can read her books and not touch the sockets.

(She wonders why he doesn’t do his special ‘by himself’ time when she’s taking her naps. That way they could have their together time when she’s awake.)

This would be fine, but she just ate the last of her super secret dad-is-in-his-study snack stash that she hides under her bed last week.

She wants to go in and ask, but the last time she’d interrupted him, even though he smiled at her, his eyebrows got all scrunched up together. He was not happy to see her.

(Sometimes, she wonders if he ever is.)

Annabeth is really very hungry.

There are bananas on top of the fridge.

Annabeth creates a plan.

The plan goes south almost immediately and she ends up dangling from the top of the white mountain with glass and bananas all over the ground.

“Christ! Annabeth!” She is being yanked from her very small cliff and carried into the living room and Dad’s voice is very loud and his face is more than scrunched eyebrows and Annabeth is ashamed.

“What were you doing?”

“I was climbing on top of the fridge. I knocked over a vase.”

That was the wrong answer because somehow his face gets even angrier. “Yes, I can see that. What were you thinking?”

“I wanted a banana. They were on top of the fridge.”

He pinches his nose. That wasn’t the right answer either. “You just had breakfast.”

“No, I didn’t.”

“Yes, you did. You had the fruit circles.”

“That was yesterday.”

He hesitates. “Okay, well you did wake up late, you couldn’t have waited until it was time to eat lunch?”

The clock on the microwave says 4:13 pm. “It is lunch.”

He looks at the clock. Closes his eyes. When he opens them, he still looks angry but not at her. His voice is much quieter. “Why didn’t you come get me?”

“Last time you got sad. You were in a groove, you said unless it was an emergency not to come in. I thought I could reach it.”

She watches his face change. His eyebrows are still scrunched up but his eyes get gentler and sadder all at once. He sits down on the couch and lifts her up into his lap. It’s been so long, she sits on his knees like he’s a chair. He turns her around in his arms.

“You’re such a quiet kid, Annabeth. Sometimes I forget you're here.”

She doesn’t think he said it to make her sad, but it does anyway. Which is irritating because she didn’t do anything wrong and she feels bad anyway.

“I was a quiet kid too.”

She doesn’t want to be quiet. She wants to scream. She wants to cry. She wants to hit him. She wants—

“I’m gonna clean up the glass and then we’ll have mac and cheese.”

She nods and lets herself be sat back on the couch.

Second Round: Ms. Helen (from Dad’s work)

Bet Type: Good Faith; awarded via proxy.

Made with no experience.

Trust given without the knowledge that trust must be earned.

The first time her father forgets to pick her up from daycare, she is too young to remember. She was also too young to remember the 2nd, 3rd, 4th, and 5th times.

She remembers the sixth.

Ms. Helen, dad’s work friend that has come to dinner every wednesday for four weeks, shows up at school wearing black yoga pants and a messy-on-purpose bun.

(The kind that always looks strange in the bathroom mirror when she tries it on her curls in the morning before they leave.)

She smiles at her teacher, tight and pinchy. She does that laugh/talk/sigh thing adults do when the words they're saying don’t really matter. And before Annabeth knows it, she's staring at the backseat of a minivan.

“What’s that?”

Ms. Helen raises an eyebrow. “The car seat?”

Annabeth nods but looks down. She said it like it was obvious. Annabeth knows obvious things.

“Don’t you sit in one of these to come to daycare?”

“No.”

“You just sit in the seat?”

“Yes.”

“You're too little. It’s not safe to sit by yourself.”

Annabeth doesn’t know what she's supposed to say. This happens a lot. Adults do this thing where they ask you a question that they want a specific answer to. Annabeth has developed a skill in which she can always tell when the truth is not what an adult wants to hear. It has, so far, been a pretty useless skill because she has yet to master the skill of knowing what it is that they actually want to hear.

(Sometimes, she figures it out and tells the truth anyway. Those times she doesn’t really mind getting in trouble after.)

“Your father must’ve put you in one of these.”

Annabeth shrugs. Her talent has deduced that Helen does not want Annabeth to say that she has never been in one of those, and figures nonverbal is the safest option because she would like to go home.

Helen crouches down and gets way up close to Annabeth's face. Her grown-up face-paint is smudged around the corner of her left eye. She smells like dish soap.

“I borrowed this from my friend when your father called, so we have to get you your own. From now on, you don’t get in a car without one of these. Understand?”

Annabeth nods.

Helen is looking at her with something strange and sad in her smudged up eye. She takes a deep breath.

Annabeth crawls into the backseat and waits to be tied in.

Fourth Round: Thalia Grace, Grover Underwood & Luke Castellan

Bet Type: Calculated Risk; awarded to an individual after carefully evaluated outcomes

Made after a great loss, in which perceived benefits outweigh potential detriment.

Trust earned after a win.

Thalia is frowning at her.

Annabeth hasn’t been with her and Luke for that long, but she knows that this is not cause for too much concern because she’s usually frowning.

Luke is the one with the smiles, and the cuddles, and the soft spot for the helpless strays—dogs and girls alike.

Thalia is the one with the frowns.

(Annabeth can tell she has a soft spot for Luke though.)

Before she can muster up the courage to ask, Luke beats her to it. “What’s up with you?”

“Her hair.” Thalia has a talent where she can frown and speak at the same time. Annabeth wants to learn how to do that.

Luke smiles at her before fixing his eyes on her puff. She gets that feeling in her stomach she used to get when her teachers asked her questions about her house, like she should be hiding behind her fathers legs.

(The last time she tried, Helen had snatched her arm and told her she was being rude.)

“Her hair.” He repeats in a way that tells both Annabeth and Thalia he has no idea what the problem is.

Thalia ignores him, and scribbles something down on his arm. “I saw a beauty supply store down the road. I need you to figure out a way to get this stuff.”

Luke frowns over her shoulder. (Uh-oh.) “That’s gonna be a bit of a stretch.”

“So stretch.”

“Thals—,”

She looks up at him and her eyes are all intense like when she’s fighting a monster. “They weren’t combing her hair. I took the hair tie off and it’s staying put. She’s only been on the run for 3 days.” Thalia looks back down at her. “Right? That’s how long you were by yourself?”

“Yes.” Annabeth nods. One of her favorite parts about being with Luke and Thalia, is that the truth is always enough.

Thalia looks back at Luke with something in her eyes that’s even softer than when Luke sleeps. “They weren’t combing her hair.”

Luke nods, a new kind of frown. The one he had when they found her. “On it.”

He winks at Annabeth and tweaks her nose which makes her laugh. Then he’s gone and it’s just the two of them.

Annabeth and Thalia have never been alone for that long before, except for bathroom trips and when Luke gets them snacks.

Annabeth knows it wasn’t Thalia’s idea for her to join the two of them. Annabeth doesn’t think she wanted to leave her there, but she knows Thalia liked it when it was just her and Luke.

She’s looking up at the sky muttering something angry in another language. “What’s Luke going to get?”

Thalia considers her for a moment and then sits down leaning against the brick alleyway. “Some hair stuff. Basics.”

“I thought we only took risks for food.”

Thalia smiles a little and it makes Annabeth's chest feel fuzzy.

“You’re a smart kid.” She pats the ground next to her and Annabeth goes to sit next to her.

“My mother…had a bad time. Things that aren’t supposed to be hard for mortals were very hard for her. And sometimes that made her not very nice to me.” She pauses and Annabeth waits patiently, doesn’t dare speak a word.

“She couldn’t really take care of herself. So, she couldn’t really take care of me either. My hair is curly like yours. And hair like ours needs special attention. When you don’t give it the care it needs, it gets stuck like this.” She takes Annabeth's hand and brings it up to her head, lets her tug on one strand gently.

“I like your hair a lot!”

“Thank you. I do too. But, it wasn’t my choice. My mother let my hair loc up so she didn’t have to comb it every day. You should get to decide whether you want your hair like this. Did you ask to have your hair up in a bun for that long?”

Annabeth could tell her how her Dad used to braid her hair on Sunday nights. How they would sit and listen to music and he would spray and comb and braid until she fell asleep on his leg. How when he and Helen got married, he suddenly had no time to do anything that Helen could do instead. How her slick, shiny, and smooth haired stepmother would wrinkle down at her curls, yank a brush through her head and tell her she was ‘impossible’.

But, she doesn’t. She looks down at her shoes and doesn’t say anything at all.

Thalia, even smaller than before, says, “Your parents weren’t very nice to you either. Were they?”

She doesn’t answer.

She doesn’t have to.

‘You’re such a quiet kid, Annabeth.’

(When Luke gets back, he and Thalia spend three hours spraying and combing and braiding until Annabeths hair isn’t stuck anymore.)

(In a few months, a satyr named Grover will take them to camp.

Thalia will not make it across the border.)

(Annabeth will refuse to let anyone touch her hair for a year.)

Final Round: Perseus Jackson

Bet Type: Wild Card; awarded to an individual that fails to qualify through conventional procedure.

Made with gut feelings, no logic, and excruciating human defiance.

Trust is given without measure.

Annabeth's first thought when she sees him for the first time is, “He must be the one.”

She’s sure of it. She says it out loud. Chiron tells her to hush, and she doesn’t even care.

He's the one.

She's not sure how she knows. She's waited for so long, seen so many campers. Many were far more promising than he is.

That's her second thought. He's skinnier than she thought ‘the one’ would be. Skinny and pale and more gangly limb than person.

He’s blinking up towards them but his eyes are unfocused and hazy. That's her third thought. He's fading. They’ll have to carry him.

‘Percy’ Chiron calls him. It’s a hero’s name.

She wonders if whoever gave it to him knew he’d be the one too.

‘He’s the one.’, she thinks again. It feels strange and tingly in her head.

Strange, but not false.

Hello, Percy Jackson. It's nice to finally meet you.

#SHEEEEEES BAAAACCCCKKKK!#it's been a while! i evolved and got a life and the show humbled me and took over my life.#for the percabeth induced insanity gc on twitter (love you)#percabeth #percy jackson #annabeth chase #percabeth fic #grover underwood #percy jackson and the olympians #pjo series #pjotv #pjo tv show #pjo tv series #pjo tv spoilers #luke castellan #thalia grace #frederick chase

134 notes · View notes

mncxbe · 10 months

Note

NO STOP NOW I HAVE TO KNOW WHAT WOULD BE READER'S REACTION TO FINDING OUT HE WAS TURNED INTO A VAMPIRE 😭😭😭

OH trooma. Ok so I made this kind of a part 2 for the 9:59♡ cuz why not. Didn't wanna make it overly dramatic but I hope you like it♡♡. also the way I wrote this the second I woke up I cannot

9:59♡ p2

𝑨𝒌𝒖𝒕𝒂𝒈𝒂𝒘𝒂 𝒙 𝒇𝒆𝒎!𝒓𝒆𝒂𝒅𝒆𝒓

𝑮𝒆𝒏𝒓𝒆: angst?/ idk what this is

𝑾𝒂𝒓𝒏𝒊𝒏𝒈𝒔: blood/ reader getting turned into a vampire/ implied death

°☆○

Four days have passed since Akutagawa died and you finally decided to leave your apartment. It wasn't like you were purposefully isolating yourself, but considering the ongoing epidemic of vampirism it was the wisest choice.

You stepped out of your apartmemt building into the hot late-summer air. There was still around an hour and a half of light left and the golden sunbeams drizzled down upon the city, making it glow in a honeyed colour; like the inside of a bees nest. You reached out a hand to catch the flakes of light but they slipped right through your fingers.

With languid steps, you made your way down the crowded boulevard. It was strange to notice how utterly unchanged the city was: men and women of all ages were walking or driving home from work, loud teenagers with wild haircuts were probably going to a club, elderly women carried heavy bags of groceries and then were you; who suffered the greatest loss of your life.

But were you really that changed? Maybe your partner's death didn't affect you that much since you knew it was going to come sooner or later, either because of his lung illness or a mission. After all, you seemingly skipped the first four stages of grief and went straight to the last: acceptance. You cried a little, yes. But you didn't suffer as much as when your mom passed away a couple of years ago. Akutagawa's death felt natural and it somehow came as a relief because you knew that he was in pain. And maybe it was better this way.

Still, the unshakeable feeling of guilt dug its claws into your stomach and heart, twisting them and twisting them until you couldn't breathe. How could you be even remotely relieved that he was gone? Why weren't you sadder? Why didn't you feel like the world was crumbling down? Why couldn't you save him? Why why why...

Lost in your spiraling throughts, you took the right and walked past the coffee shop you and Akutagawa used to go to on his free days. It was vacant, so you kept strolling further down the dark alley. As you passed a badly done Hatsune Miku graffiti, you caught a shadow at the corner of your eye.

For a moment you froze. A faint rustling sounded from somewhere behind you; taking a sharp breath you briskly turned on your heels to face the person behind you.

First you noticed the black hair which fell just past the man's jawline, ending with streaks of white. Then your gaze followed the line of his neck which disappeared under a black cloth. And then it returned to the blood stained lips and finally, drifted to his eyes.

"Ryu?" you spoke in a hushed voice. "Ryu is that you?"

You wanted to run towards your partner and pull him in a tight hug but your feet seemed to be glued to the ground. Although his body looked the same as before; Akutagawa's gaze was feral, his black orbs bathed in bloodlust. This surely couldn't be the man you knew and loved.

The man hissed, flashing you a pair of pearly canines. He had been turned into a vampire; your lost lover was now a bloodthirsty creature, which was worse than being dead.

Akutagawa suddenly lunged forward, closing the little distance left between you. Your body reacted on its own and your legs finally moved. Letting out a shriek, you managed to get to the end of the alley when a black tendril seized your ankels, causing you to topple forward. Blood rushed through your entire body as you struggled to get up.

"Ryu love what are you doing please stop." you pleaded in a tembling voice.

Akutagawa kneeled before you, eyes narrowing as he let out a ragged growl. A faint shadow of recognition passed his charcoal eyes and his teeth retreated.

"Darling?" you asked gently, your fingertips reaching to caress his cheek. Could it be that he recognized you, even in this state?

The second your digits brushed against his pale skin he snapped out of his trance and sank his teeth in your wrist. A burning sensation spread through your arm as you yanked it; still, your attempt to escape was futile. Akutagawa's grip was fierce, nails and teeth digging into your skin.

It was ironic to think that only four nights ago the same person was holding onto you and now...

Now he was turning you into a vampire too. A strange feeling washed over you: happiness? relief? gratitude? To you, living as a mindless creature would be better than having to return to your empty apartment, to a cold bed that still carried your lover's citrusy scent.

So you simply stopped struggling and allowed Akutagawa to bite you. Rashomon's black cloth wrapped around your body, enveloping you in darkness; you felt like a silk moth in a cocoon.

Your free arm snaked around your boyfriend's neck, earning a hiss from him. You felt oddly comforted in his cold embrace, ready to accept your fate.

And then, your gaze met his again. Akutagawa's eyes were glossy, tears streaming down his cheeks. They cascaded down your bleeding arm, mixing with your dripping blood.

Before the world faded to black you managed to place a string of ghostly kisses along the side of his face.

"It's okay Ryu, it's ok. I don't mind it love it's alright." Your digits tangled themselves in his tousled hair as you nuzzled closer to his chest. "I love you I always will." you chanted quietly.

A few minutes later the alley was silent again. The only sound that disturbed the tranquil atmosphere was a faint drip, almost imperceptible, and the soft sobs of a broken man. The setting sun cast long shadows across the city's streets.

#bsd #bungou stray dogs #bsd x reader #akutagawa #akutagawa x reader #akutagawa x you #bsd angst

202 notes · View notes

hollandsfavbabe · 5 months

Text

Where Do We Go Now

pairing: peter parker x stark!reader

synopsis: in which the death of y/n's father leaves her determined to bring him back and her boyfriend peter determined to save her

warnings: endgame aftermath, death, parental loss, isolation, suicide attempt (but magical?), it gets better - I promise

word count: 7.1k

masterlist

a/n: Hey guys. This is going to be a bit longer than my usual notes, but I feel like I should explain why I've been gone for so long and why this story is a lot sadder than my usual ones. My community has been riddled with tragedy recently as we've lost a lot of people to suicide this past year, some of which have been as young as middle school age. One of my friends died by suicide a couple months ago. I can't express to you guys how hard it's been trying to deal with the pain and the guilt his death has caused me and my loved ones. So many days have passed where I wish I could've been a better friend for him while he was here. It hurts more knowing that other people are hurting too. Writing this was the best way for me to cope for many reasons. I wanted to write about how I'm feeling and honor my friend in some way even if it's through a silly little fanfiction. I know I'm late, but I also wanted to honor one of my favorite characters, Tony Stark as he canonically died this past October. That being said, if you are struggling please, I implore you, talk to someone. There are so many people on this planet who would be so torn without you. My dms are always a safe space if you need anything at all <3

Also I'd like to thank Gracie Abrams for her music that I had on repeat the entire time I was writing this. I hope you like it!

“I am Iron Man.”

The words replayed in your head, over and over like a broken record with no one to turn it to a new tune. That’s exactly how you felt. So alone in your grief that even if miraculously every wish you'd ever made in the whole of your existence had been granted, it still wouldn’t be enough to make you happy again. To make you feel anything besides the constant regret and incessant grief that anchored you down as you wasted away in your bed.

It had been exactly a week since the passing of the great Tony Stark. Everyone else in the compound had mourned their coworker, riddled by a somewhat lesser version of your sadness for only a few days after his death. It’s not as if their grief had been washed away as if it never stained their cheeks with tears or weighed down their hearts with sorrow, but it eased much quicker than yours and before long they could continue their duties. Everything was so much harder for you because Tony hadn’t just been a coworker. He was your father.

You relieved every memory you had of him like bittersweet torture. You remembered when he held you as a little girl, wiping up a bloodied knee. When he discovered you had powers and helped you control them. Later on when he banned you from joining in on the Avenger’s Civil War and afterwards when he thanked you for sneaking in to help anyway. You could almost feel his comforting embrace as if it was only yesterday that he was assuring you before a failed battle against the mad Titan Thanos, the same one that left you dusted and missing your father’s last five years on Earth. And finally, of course, you remember his last moments all too well. It played out before you like the tragic ending of a stage play.

“Let me do it,” you shouted over the sound of war cries and carnage that surrounded you on the packed battlefield. “I can take it!”

You were almost certain that your power, your immeasurable magic, could handle the debilitating strength of the Infinity Stones making you the most reasonable choice for snapping Thanos and his army out of existence, but your father refused to risk losing his eldest.

“No,” he breathed, the metal plate shielding his chest rising and falling from the heat of the action. There was only one way to succeed, only one way to put a stop to the destruction of the universe. It had to be him. “I won’t risk losing you, not while you’re still so young. You have so much life ahead of you.”

“Not without you!” you cried, a tear streaming from your eye.

There wasn’t much time for your conversation as the world was moments away from being wiped of its human history, but despite the odds your father pulled you into a tight hug, as if he knew it would be the last. You both did.

“You are the strongest person I’ve ever known and I’m so proud of what you’ve become already.” he smiled when you finally pulled apart.

“I need you dad,” you sobbed, still reluctant to let him leave you. With the threat of his death, suddenly Thanos’ defeat didn’t matter anymore. Not nearly as much as having your father by your side. “I’m not ready.”

Your dad looked down on you with the saddest of smiles, but if any part of him was upset about his decision, he made no other hint toward it. He just held you close for as long as possible and comforted you in the way that you could always count on him for. In the way, it hit you, that you could never count on him for again. But yet, in the face of death, he cradled you close and spoke in his signature fatherly tone: assertive yet on the edge of softness.

“No one’s ever ready -,” he answered truthfully. “- but I know you can handle it. You always do.”

You looked up at him as he finally pulled away and headed towards the purple giant, but not before turning to you for one final declaration.

“I love you, junior, to the edge and back again.”

And then he was gone. You never got the chance to say it back.

Yours was the last name he uttered before his heart stopped beating and the light on his suit went out. By then Pepper had already said her goodbyes and you both were huddled close to his body, weeping as the other Avengers knelt around you in honor of your father. Peter was hunched behind you, one hand on your shoulder while the other worked to wipe away his own tears. Oh Peter, you had your father to thank for him.

It was Tony who was credited with setting you up with your long term boyfriend, Peter Parker, even if it was a complete accident. You two had gotten acquainted on a fateful plane ride to Germany and eventually ended up together after many failed attempts at confessing your feelings. There was something about him that had you smitten with him from your first encounter, your liking only strengthened when you learned that your father approved. He’d been with you through thick and thin and even now, Peter was the only person who could even remotely share your pain besides Pepper. Tony was like his father too.

He’d taken care of you ever since the incident. Brought you food and water, helped you dress in your black attire for the funeral, laid with you in your bed each night to calm you whenever you awoke in a nightmarish terror. He showed his love for you prevailing over his grief in the most selfless of ways and yet all you had managed to do since you father’s funeral was stand to use the restroom every once in a while. It piled on more weight that your poor soul could already take. You were nothing, but a miserable burden now.

The door to your room opened with squealing hinges as Peter stepped in, returning from school where he had spent the morning reuniting with your shared friends and finding out when the official return date was. You were supposed to join him, but instead you hadn’t moved an inch since he left. It wasn’t as if you wanted to waste the entire day in your lonely sheets again. You yearned for everything to go back to how it was; when Peter was happy and you could share it with him. When your father used to smile upon the two teens he didn’t mean to bring together. When your father was alive.

“Hey,” he said, softly as if not to startle you from your endless torturous pondering. He set something down on your dresser, a small stack of papers he must have gathered from the school, and removed his fall coat before sauntering over to you. The bed creaked and shifted under his weight as he took a seat next to you. “Good news, we don’t have to go back until the next semester so we get a break until January. Ned was asking about you. He wants to know how you’re doing.”

You turned your head to look at him, your eyes red-rimmed from all of your crying and your lips cracked and dry.

“What did you tell him?” you croaked, your voice hoarse from under use. There was little to talk about and no one else to talk to whenever Peter wasn’t around. Pepper had visited you once, but with Morgan to look after, she couldn’t spare much time for her late husband’s grieving daughter. You’d seen Happy a couple times as well, but he needed his own time to recover and reflect on his past time with his best friend.

Peter was gentle as he tucked some of the hair strands snot cemented to your jaw behind your ear and cupped your cheek in his palm. He was cold from the autumn chill outside, but his hand ignited the same soothing heat that his touch always brought forth.

“I said you were recovering,” he answered truthfully. “And that it’s different for everyone. And no matter how long it takes, I’m here for you every step of the way.”

The ghost of a smile graced your lips and had it not felt like it stopped beating after losing your father, your heart may have fluttered in its cavity in your chest.

“Thanks Peter,” you curled closer to him in the most sincere of ways. “But I’m afraid it’s going to be a while before I can get up to see Ned again. Give him my best.”

“Take your time. I’m sure he understands.” Peter assured before pulling off his flannel and laying down beside you to wrap you in his arms, allowing you to tuck your face in his chest. As unhappy as you were, all the swirling emotions of suffering were always suppressed by the sound of Peter’s heart and the feel of his body around yours. You stayed like that for a while, holding each other before Peter broke the silence as it neared time for your midday meal.

“I think you should come with me today,” Peter suggested, rising to run his daily lunch retrieval before running a loving hand through your hair. You couldn’t understand how he hadn’t gotten sick of you yet. You hadn’t been able to wash in over a week. “It’s not good for you to stay here all day long. You need to start moving.”

His voice was full of worry, though he wasn’t overbearing. He wanted the best for you, it’s all he ever wanted really.

“I don’t know Peter, I don’t think I can.” you sighed as tears started to fill your eyes again. How could anyone stand to be around you when you were being so pathetic. You wished there was a way to erase your pain, anything to bring you to your normal self again.

“It's okay baby,” Peter hugged you into a tight embrace, kissing your tears as they fell in slow salty streams. “I know it hurts, I feel it too. But I read somewhere that the best thing to do is keep a consistent routine. Maybe you should start today. Come get lunch with me.”

You wanted to agree, but there was no part of you that could move from the weight of your grief. It pressed you down, gravity multiplied by the mass of your sadness as it consumed you. It felt as if only a miracle could save you now.

“I’m so sorry.” you stated with remorse, but Peter made no move to share his disappointment if he had any at all. Instead he leaned down from his seated position and placed his lips on your forehead, a gesture as if to say that all was alright.

“Please don’t cry, y/n. It’s okay.” he assured you before standing to leave and get you something that you figured you probably wouldn’t even eat very much of.

“I’ll be right back,” he promised, turning the handle of your door to leave before looking back at you sprawled on your bed. Suddenly, as if he had recalled the cure to the rainiest of days, he expression shifted to one of great excitement as he stopped back into your room.

“I almost forgot,” he began. “Doctor Strange was here earlier. He wanted me to tell you he’s offering some meditation sessions for you if you’re interested. He said they’d be good for your powers and that they might help you feel better if you want to think about it. He’s free at 8 tomorrow.”

You nearly perked up at the sound of the man’s name, picking up your head to cast a last longing glance at Peter as he waited for a parting word.

“Thanks,” you managed. “I’ll let you know.”

And off Peter went to get you both something to eat.

You weren’t sure if he knew how dangerous it was for you to be left with your thoughts, how the mention of the magic doctor sprouted a myriad of mystical ideas all aimed at the same goal that would erase your eternal lonesome aching. How to bring your father back. By the time Peter returned with his hands full of two homemade sandwiches and more sweets than the two of you could ever finish in one sitting, your mind had been made up and you were ready to set the plan in motion.

The following evening was your first time out of the confines of your rooms for days. Peter had helped you greatly with all the tasks you did not have the mental power to do all on your own. He had brushed your hair and made your bed and before you left in one of the less expensive cars held on Avenger’s campus, he sent you off adorned with one of his favorite sweatshirts, a peck on the forehead and enough I love you’s to last more than a lifetime.

You pulled the sleeve of Peter’s sweatshirt over your palm as you drove off, using the cloth to wipe away fresh tears that had fallen after you left your boyfriend’s loving gaze. You’d always been an overthinker, but your bad habits crept up on you worse in your unbreakable stage of sadness. Especially in your father’s favorite car.

You didn’t understand why he hadn’t left you already. Maybe he would. Peter had offered to join you at Strange’s, but after you insisted you had to go alone, he made plans to go help his Aunt May figure out their apartment situation as the pair had been inadvertently kicked out after being gone for so many years. You’d almost forgotten he used to split his nights between the compound and his own bedroom. Recently he’d only stay with you.

He promised to be back before dinner so that the two of you could keep up your progress, but an unsolicited voice within you convinced you that he wouldn’t want to return. You weren’t good enough for him anymore, not like you used to be. Your plan was better for the both of you and as you pulled up to the familiar building on Bleecker Street, all the pieces started to fall into place.

You stepped up to the door, raising your fist to knock only for the door to crack open by itself as if to invite you in. You waited for the familiar sternness of Doctor Strange’s voice to greet you once you were past the stone floored foyer, but only wisps of the autumn breeze caught your ear.

“Strange?” you called, your voice still not stable enough to be louder than a whispery dialogue. You were met with no response. It was just like you had planned. The wizard wasn’t home.

You felt a strong tug towards the room of your desires, the forbidden library. It was as if fate was leading you or some other force from above, another sign that you were meant to do it.

Your steps were more sure than they had been in days as you made your way to the self, passing any magical fire walls with the sheer unfiltered strength of your powers. Strange once told you that they were guided by your emotion, the quintessential essence of every magic holder even to people like you and Wanda Maximoff who were outside of his world protecting wizard cult. It was easier than it should have been, like slicing paper with a katana, you broke each enchantment until all that was left was the cool leather cover of the book you were looking for. The book with every answer you needed inside its ancient yellowing pages, but you only needed the spell that would revive your father. Locating it near the middle of the book, your tore out the page and turned back to your car, leaving the Sanctum with the same unhurried pace you had entered it with. There was no stopping you now.

Peter was only an half an hour late for your agreed meet up time when he arrived at the campus. He expected you’d be in your room as per usual and as he made his way to your door, the excitement of getting to hold you and talk about your first day out of the campus since the funeral built up in his chest. He wasn’t sure if any accomplishment in the world could make him as proud as he was of you. With two brown paper bags of groceries in his hand, he couldn’t wait to shower you in the affection that you deserved with all of your favorite snacks, enough to share of course.

“Y/n,” he smiled, using his webbing to open your door handle only to find, much to his disappointment, that you were nowhere to be found.

He checked all over campus, leaving the bags by your bed. No one had seen you since you’d left and the spot where the car you’d taken was still empty, the normally pristine concrete covered in fallen crisp maroon leaves. It didn’t make any sense. Where could you possibly have gone?

“Y/n!” he called, circling the perimeter of the campus looking for you. There was still no sign of your reappearance. “Y/n- oh. Hi Ms. Maximoff.” Peter forced a strained smile as he nearly bumped into the woman.

“Peter, we’ve been over this,” Wanda answered, her voice calm. “You can call me Wanda.”

Like you, the witch hadn’t been doing the best in recent days as she had lost something just as valuable as a father: her partner. While she occasionally had days where the ground would’ve been lucky to feel the grace of her step, her superhero duties had kept her from spending each day hidden from society. She had a different way of coping, but like others, she seemed to start getting back into routine again.

“Right, sorry Wanda.” Peter apologized.

“What are you doing out here?” inquired the witch in her native Sokovian accent, always intuitive. “Is something wrong?”

“It’s y/n. I can’t find her anywhere and we agreed to meet back here nearly - an hour ago!” Peter pulled up his coat sleeve to check the time on his watch, the face of which bore a picture of him and your father from only a few months before the snap. It had been a birthday gift, one of his favorites in fact, though it couldn't top what you had given him the same year: a lego set and your first kiss.

“I didn’t know that she got out of bed. That’s a big step!”

“Yes it is and we were going to celebrate tonight, but she hasn’t come back yet which is really not like her.” worried Peter.

“Where did she go?”

“Strange’s. He was going to give her a meditation lesson for her powers.”

Confused, Wanda's eyebrow furrowed and she crossed her arms over her chest. “Doesn’t she know how to use them already?”

“Yes, but he thought it would help her manage her grief. Working out is a pretty common method, but she hates going to the gym so he figured some meditation would be better for her and -“

“Wait, hold on. Did she go to him this morning?”

“Yes and she was supposed to be back around noon, but it’s nearly six and she’s still gone.” Peter explained.

“Peter!” Wanda chided. She couldn't believe he could make such a grave mistake.

“What?”

“Strange hasn’t been at the Sanctum all day!”

“What?! Where is he?”

“Do I look like a wizard to you?" the witch gestured to her casual leggings and cardigan pairing that drastically differed from Strange's usual eccentric costumes. "How should I know?”

As if summoned by the topic of conversation, a figure appeared in the distant grass, hovering over the blades until he was close enough to be able to walk. His cape that flowed in the breeze like a blood red stream with a mind of its own was a dead give away. Doctor Strange had indeed arrived in the flesh.

“Parker,” he greeted, though he did not smile. “Is Ms. Stark ready for our lesson?”

Peter’s eyes went wide as he realized his mistake.

“Oh no.” he muttered, shaking his head in defeat. He was met with confusion from the wizard.

“No?” Strange repeated. “We agreed upon 8 didn't we? I know I'm a little early, but I assumed she wouldn't be busy. Didn’t you let her know I was coming?”

“Yes,” Peter confirmed. “I told her to be ready and then I sent her off to your place at 8… am.”

“What?!” Strange exclaimed as he summoned a portal to appear leading directly to his found home on Bleecker Street. He stepped through the fiery ring, a silent invitation for the others to follow as he hurried passed your car, up the steps, and into the door which did not part of him the same way it had earlier. Inside he was met with the most frightful of discovers accompanied by the looming feeling of doom as the situation became clear.

The Sanctum, unguarded with his absence, lay littered with books that had fallen from their homes on his shelf’s yet one stood out from all the others. It laid on the floor open with its pages to the ground while every other book was shut. Levitating it with the simple flick of his wrist, a horrifying sight awaited Strange as he turned it over. One of the pages in the sacred book was missing.

“Do you know how serious this is?!” Strange exclaimed and although Peter at first took it as a barbed criticism aimed directly at him, he was able to distinguish Strange’s tone from when he was reprimanding. This was a separate kind of worry, the sort of tone that he had used heavily on the fated spaceship you three had been stuck in until you landed on Titan, Thanos’ home world, nearly five years ago. Treachery was afoot and if your powers were involved, the whole fabric of your current reality could change.

“Which one did she take?” Wanda pointed to the book, clearly noticing the giant tear in its center.

Strange’s voice answered, heavy with concern. “The revival spell.”

“You don’t think she knows, do you? She can’t possibly know how to conjure it.” asked Wanda, the same concern for their future written all over her face.

“That’s exactly what I think.” Strange confirmed.

“What?” Peter asked. “What are you guys talking about?”

“There are many types of magic, Parker, and the Sanctum, the building where you sent your girlfriend, is full of all of them, good and bad alike. Every spell comes with a price, the bigger the spell, the bigger the price and the spell she took comes with one of the biggest prices there is to pay.”

“Think about it, Peter,” Wanda paled. “What does y/n want most in the world right now?”

It hit Peter harder than fresh fallen hail. You were going to try to bring your father back.

“We have to find her. Now.”

Strange tried to use his sling ring to appear wherever you were, but in your grief, the extent of your powers had grown massively. Intentionally or not, you managed to prevent even the most powerful of wizards from using his Sling Ring to access your location.

“She's blocked me out.” Strange frowned. “We’re going to have to track her on foot.”

“She can’t be far,” Peter agreed. “She always takes the shortest path whenever she wants something.” It was one of the many things he loved about you: your ability to turn any taxing task into something much simpler. You were one of the cleverest people he knew. He just hoped it didn’t work in your favor this time.

It was Wanda who had the idea of tracking your magic. She led them to the nearest withering woodland area, where trees with bare branches and dying leaves sprawled endlessly. It was the perfect place to perform dark magic, away from the unyielding eyes of society. The trio didn’t hesitate to run in.

The further they got, the closer you felt especially to Peter despite the fact that he was the only one without his own source of magic. If he lost you tonight, he feared he’d never feel any sort of magic ever again.

They were only half an acre in when Wanda and Strange called out in anguish, the witch falling to her knees while Strange stayed standing, pounding the air with his fist as his trying to break through an invisible barrier though it was to no avail. Whatever was holding him back, it wasn’t fading anytime soon.

“Keep going, Parker!” he shouted, urging Peter forward. “You’re the only one who can stop her. The spell will only allow that which she loves.”

“How do I do it?” Peter shouted. “How do I stop the spell?”

“The page,” Wanda replied, quicker than Strange could as his reply was easy for her to access. “You have to tear it apart.”

Without wasting a second more, Peter sprung back towards where he could feel you, running without fatigue as his superhuman endurance supplied him with plenty of energy.

It was only a minute later that he caught his first sign of you. There was a break in the tree line out of which a bright amber glow poured like an incandescent warning. It was a dramatic contrast from the normal comforting emerald greens of your magic, but it was you nonetheless and Peter didn’t stop until he was so close he had to shade his eyes from the light.

If it weren’t for the dark nature of what you were doing, Peter would’ve considered it one of the most beautiful events he’d ever seen take place. He wasn’t sure if the circle of trees that surrounded you had been a natural formation or one you made for the sake of the spell, but he was sure the way they seemed to bend to your will, despite the hard wood of their birch trunks, had to be because of your power. In the center of it all was you and the page you had stolen atop a pile of purple and golden leaves. You stood before it, eyes closed as you whispered some sort of incantation. Your powers spread above you in orange flickering flames as you outstretched your arms and summoned what looked like the beginnings of a portal, though it was hard to peer through like a bride covered in a veil of night black.

Peter shouted your name, screaming for you to stop, but you didn’t so much as flinch as the portal grew. You couldn’t hear him over the force of your will. He could start to feel what Wanda and Strange were trapped behind. There was some sort of invisible wall that threatened to push him back from you, but he couldn’t be defeated. He had to stop you. Step by step, he got closer and closer to you, watching in horror as your body was lifted from the ground and floated in midair. A new energy started weeping through the fabric that covered your chest, soft and white like a sheer glittering fabric. It drifted towards the portal and as Peter neared you he could make out the outline of a face forming from it in the black center of it. It started to take shape, growing a neck and a body and becoming more concrete than a fragmented part of your energy. He became more unmistakable as the color grew back into his face. Tony Stark, in the flesh. Peter hurried towards the page.

You opened your eyes to gaze into the face of your father, tears flowing down your face partially from the exhaustion of bringing him back and from being able to see him again.

You tried to say something, tell him how much you had missed him, but you were left rendered without a voice. Your words came out as mouthed nonsense, though it seemed he had regained his voice.

“Y/n,” he uttered, though it seemed more like a warning than a greeting after being torn from you for so long.

You mouthed something you knew he’d understand. I love you too, dad.

Some other force called your name, but you ignored it. You couldn’t focus on anything else, but the father you had lost regaining life right in front of you. With every part that he gained, you felt a part of your fade. It wasn’t painful, more numbing than anything like the final dose to end all your sadness. You couldn’t help but relish in it. You were bringing back one of the greatest men to ever live.

You were so distracted, you missed the web that landed on the page below you and pulled it away.

“Y/n,” your dad said again, nearly having enough of one of his legs to step out of the portal when suddenly, the inky blackness swallowed him whole again and dissolved in the forest light, taking back the only thing you ever wanted.

“NO!” you cried as your voice returned to you and you fell back down to the dry grass and dead leaves, crumpled on the forest floor as all of the magic you had summoned faded away save for the glittering cloud that returned to your chest with such force it made you cough. You had failed.

“Y/n!” someone called and you shuddered away from their hand on your shoulder as loud sobs erupted from you.

“Leave me!” you begged. “Just leave!” Peter refused to leave your side, tossing behind him the page he had shredded into tiny scraps of paper as he knelt beside you, careful not to touch you again. “Why did you have to do that? Why did you take him from me?”

“You were going to die! I couldn’t let you di-“

“I WANTED TO DIE!”

Peter froze as you whimpered, the truth spreading above the both of you in the cold air like storm clouds as you cried to him.

“I want him back. Everyone wants him back. No one cares about his depressed daughter and I don’t want to hurt anymore, Peter.” you paused to take a deep breath. “It- it hurts so much.” you could barely get the words out as you were choked by your sobs. “It hurts knowing I could’ve saved him. It hurts knowing it should’ve been me that snapped those stupid stones. And I don’t want to live with that anymore. I had to try to bring him back for the world. It needs him more than it needs me.”

You brought a hand to your face, wiping away some of your tears, though it was no use as more came pouring out.

“I need you.” uttered Peter, looking into your glossy eyes. The sight of your tears and the echo of your screams couldn’t deter him from you. You can’t be repelled from the ones that you love.

“But you miss him, don’t you,” you argued as hot tears coated your face. “You want him back too.”

Peter nodded in agreement.

“I think about him everyday. Our moments together. Like this one time he saved me from drowning in a lake. Or-“ Peter grinned. “- remember when he caught us making out that one time before we told him we were together. He was so mad.” Peter smiled to himself, looking fondly on the memory until he began again.

“I miss him so much and it makes me so sad that I'll never see him again. But I wouldn’t trade you for him. I wouldn't trade you for anyone. You’re worth more to me than anyone else in the universe.”

Your sobs slowed yet the tears did not cease as they still cascaded down your face.

“It hurts me so much.” you restated.

Peter opened his arms. “May I?” he asked. You nodded and before you knew it, you were engulfed by a warmth unlike any other as Peter hugged you tight enough to make sure you wouldn’t try to leave him again.

“I know you do,” he related. "And I wish I could take it away. I wish I could just bag all your pain and throw it all away. But it doesn't work like that. It's going to hurt. It's going to be painful, so much so that you won't move from bed for days and days. You haven't."

"But I feel like everyone else has already moved on. Why can't I?" you shivered.

"No one else was as close to him as you. Everyone else lost a friend. You lost a father. There's a big difference. You can't expect yourself to move on from it. That's not healthy. It's just like I said, I'm here for you no matter how long it takes. You have to take your time with it, don’t rush the process." Peter pressed the lightest of kisses to one of your dampened cheeks.

"I just don't know what to do."

"Breathe."

As silly as it sounded in its simplicity you did as he instructed and inhaled deeply, allowing the air to coat your lungs that hadn’t been exposed to so much fresh air in a week. As you exhaled, you let out another sob in his arms, but somehow it felt better than all the others. You were not rid of your pain by any means and sadness still corroded your core, but for the first time in so long, you didn’t feel so hopeless. Peter placed another gentle kiss on your cheek, encouraging you as you took several more slow breaths and quiet cries until you found the strength to speak again.

“Was it like this for you when your parents died?” you wondered aloud as you pulled away from Peter to look into his chocolate brown eyes that you almost forgot you loved so much, yet not so far that he couldn't keep his arms around your frame that was still bearing his sweatshirt. You hadn’t spoken much about them before and while you weren’t sure where the question had arisen from, it felt like the right thing to ask.

“I was so young when they passed, sometimes I feel like they were never mine to begin with,” he admitted. “I took a couple days off school when it happened, but I don’t remember crying all that much. It’s tragic and sometimes it makes me sad that they’re gone, but I’m glad that it does. It’s a reminder that they were there for me in the first place, that I knew them enough to miss them. The grief is proof that I loved them while they were here.”

You were both silent for a moment as you thought about his words in relation to your situation. All your pain was put into perspective. Everything you had been through since he died, all the days you wasted away in bed, it was all the proof that you had loved him so much when he was alive and that you were still carrying the love you had left for him. You missed your father so much you were willing to die to get him back and for a moment, you almost did.

You parted from Peter’s arms to stand though you still grasped onto his hands as you weren’t strong enough to be upright on your own. You closed your eyes again and listened to the sound of the forest, the swaying of the leaves that still clung to their branches, the faint twittering of birds, and the calm of the sky that was oddly cloudless for autumn. The sound of your name falling from your father’s reformed lips was still faint in the air and for a moment you felt as though you were with him again.

You remembered when he taught you how to ride a bike one evening when you were only four. You remembered the day he pulled you from public school and started teaching you at home. You remembered the look of shock on his face when you showed him your powers for the first time and even more, you remember his pride when you completed your first mission with the Avengers (that he'd approved ahead of time to avoid any more Germany -like surprises). He wasn’t there, but at the same time he was everywhere. And you missed him, but at the same time the absence he left in your life felt less empty.

The tears came out in slow smooth streams, flowing down in slow trickles as you finally sat back down. You didn’t say anything and neither did Peter, but you knew he could feel what you felt. He could feel your father too and minutes slipped by as you sat and cried together.

There was a sudden rustling in the distance and soon enough, Doctor Strange and Wanda had arrived at the scene, no longer held back by invisible barriers. They rushed to you bringing flooding guilt through your system as you began to apologize.

“I’m sorry,” you cried. “I’m so sorry.”

Strange opened his mouth to speak, but he had nothing to say. You could tell by his expression that he was disappointed, but there was more to it. He had empathy.

It was Wanda that leaned down to place a friendly hand on your shoulder.

“Let’s get you home.”

The months following were some of the hardest of your life. Every battle you faced was uphill, but you no longer felt like you were fighting alone. You started going out again, first to visit Pepper and your half sister Morgan who lived in their cabin home. Peter joined you of course, but he played with Morgan for the most part while you and Pepper talked. You cried with her, but you laughed a lot too. She shared with you so many of her own memories, times when your father didn't know what to get you for your birthday, when he had managed to mess up cooking dinner in the strangest of ways, and when he’d accidentally burned your favorite stuffed animal in the drying machine all of which Pepper had to remedy. Though she hadn’t raised you, she was the mother you never had and through her stories you learned that your father had been just as good raising Morgan with her as he had been with you.

You hung out with Ned and MJ again shortly after that. While Peter had suggested a brief check-in at a cafe so you could go home quickly to rest, you surprised him with a much more time consuming idea: laser tag. The four of you had the best time targeting each other, you winning more rounds than any of the others. You ended the day with smoothies, talking as you drank and making plans for the next time you would all see each other. MJ made you promise you would text her if you ever needed anything and Ned gave you a whole plate of his Lola’s ensaymadas, your favorite dish of hers.

Finally, though he was locked up in his house and avoiding humanity, you visited Happy. Peter offered to join you like all the other times, but you assured him it would be best if he stayed home, promising you would return later. Happy was in a similar state of dismay to you when you saw him and while he was able to care for himself and continue with his personal routine, you could tell he was hurting.

You didn't say much when you first entered his apartment, but there was comfort within the silence. You sat with him on his sofa and watched whatever mind numbing program he had turned on to distract his thoughts until you had both worked up an appetite for lunch. It was there, in the middle of a random Burger King in Queens over a plate of cheeseburgers that you both broke down. You told him what you had nearly done, trusting him with the sensitive information as he was almost a second father to you. You took your time telling him the story of how you had nearly died to bring back your father.

Happy cried as you did and when you were finished, he told you how much you meant to him. He traded your story for one from your father after he returned from Afghanistan where he had famously been kidnapped.

"You could tell he was shaken," Happy began. "He told me he wasn't scared to die, but he was scared of losing time with you and leaving you alone. Pepper and I had been so busy trying to get him back, he was worried you had been neglected while he was gone. But when he came home and he saw your room clean, your toys put away, and a fridge full of leftovers from meals you prepared yourself, he was so proud. You inspired him to turn his life around. It was after that he told me that he knew you'd be okay if he was taken from us one day."

You both cried after that.

Long after you had finished your food, Happy drove you to the Parker's new apartment with the promise that he would be okay too, eventually. He also admitted that he was starting to develop quite the liking for your faithful boyfriend after hearing all that he had done for you, though he’d skin you alive if you ever told Peter.

It was that night in Peter's new bedroom that you knew you’d be okay. It still hurt to think of your father and you knew you’d never entirely recover and that the pain would never fully leave you, but there was a certain comfort in it now. You knew Peter felt it too as he snuggled half asleep into your side, his arm slung around your body in a protective manner, but also to keep from falling of the twin bed you shared as he let you sleep on the side with the wall. There were still days when you didn’t want to leave your bed, but there were also days when you felt more elated than ever. You could feel your father in those moments the most, like the shine of his smile took form in the light from the sun. You couldn’t see him nor could you speak with him, but you knew he wasn’t really gone. It was love that kept him around. And it was the love you carried for him that would suspend you for lifetimes, through light and dark until the end of time.

“I hope this grief stays with me because its all the unexpressed love” - Andrew Garfield 💙

#tom holland x you #tom holland #tom holland x reader #tom holland x y/n #peter parker x you #peter parker x y/n #peter parker x reader #peter parker #mental health #suicide awareness #avengers endgame #tony stark #stark!daughter #stark!reader #fem!reader #you are loved

58 notes · View notes

chainofclovers · 9 days

Text

Just a bit ago I realized I was feeling very fidgety because I hadn't gone on a walk yet so I put on the soundtrack of a show I might never get to see live (Stereophonic) and went out and god my neighborhood is so beautiful. I've lived in this neighborhood (in three different places) for the last thirteen years, the longest I've stayed anywhere. It's been a bit unseasonably cool the last few days, humid but not stifling, and everything is so lush right now. Walking under mimosas and magnolias, pushing aside leaves from shrubs threatening to overtake the sidewalks, looking up at the dusky pinkish sky, breathing in someone's barbecue, breathing in ripe blossoms about to fall, breathing in new growth, meandering past the tattoo shop and the convenience mart and the weird building whose purpose I don't understand and back into more residential streets, listening to the music, feeling comforted by the rainbow flags and the prayer flags and the flags for other beloved countries and the kitschy seasonal decor, all the signifiers of people hoping for the best, people who might be scared but are nonetheless proud, feeling comforted by the hard-earned safety of this little place nestled within only one city out of countless cities, it made my eyes fill up with tears because the world is so wonderful and the more wonderful it is, the sadder it is that it's so violent and miserable, and yet in that moment wonder was the primary thing because without it there isn't much point.

I'm in the bright light, forgetting my name The shadow of our lives, familiar, but strange Without enough darkness left to hide all the pain I'm in the bright light again...

#personal #about me

31 notes · View notes

yo-yo-yeonkai · 9 months

Text

PAGES OF OUR YOUTH - CHOI YEONJUN - SFW

Choi Yeonjun x Fem!reader

Genre: Fluff

Warning list: Childhood bestie! Yeonjun, non-idol AU!, a slow burn, possessiveness, misunderstanding, they are both so clueless it hurts, underage drinking, alcohol, parties, swears, not proofread entirely, let me know if I missed any,

Word count: 14,070

Summary: You both kept dairies growing up and reading them now shows the desperate yet beautiful love story you had… who knew two people could view things so differently.

A/N: All of (Y/N)'s writing will be in italics with a pink date, whilst Yeonjun's will have a blue date, Anything their daughter says or is current time will be in bold

Extra: I’m sorry this is so long… it is interesting though, I promise!!!!

Happy Birthday Yeonjun <3

Fuck it was dusty up here, how dare Dad send her up here, she was practically choking on the air. Smelled old…like him, she laughed at her own jokes and kept searching for it. Why did she have to ask dumb questions….

A few days ago, she asked ‘’some parents have a box of their child’s things, do you have one for me?’’, and to that, her dad said, ‘’yeah, if you want it, it’s in the attic with a pink lid, it has your name on it. it’s easy to find’’.

Her dad offered to go and get it at that point, but she said no. God how she wished she’d said yes... this was unbearable.

It was clean up here but somehow dusty as fuck, the light shone over all the specs, and she could clearly tell which things had been moved more recently than others. She found the box, among other boxes. One said her mum’s name and one her dad’s name… cool they have childhood boxes too…

Let's see how ugly they were as children!

But what met her was much more confusing, it was a letter, from her mum to her dad, it was in her dad’s box. And the next one was, and each one had a date…

Oooo, what if she was to line them all up in timeline order? She was going to… because she was curious! But first, she had to clean this room and get her bean bag up here. That is how the 18-year-old dove into her parent's memories, not so accidentally finding out all about their relationship.

Once each note or letter was lined up in the folder of a book, and she acquired her parent's childhood diaries from the bottom of their boxes, she began flicking through them.

2005, September, 5

School today! It was okay. Beth tried to take my snack. She is mean! The teacher told her off. Mum says good. So do I. New boy in school. He wasn’t here last time. Where did he come from? I don’t remember his name. he looked weird.

2005, September, 5

School started. It was a new one. I don’t like it. nobody spoke to me. This girl got a bully told off. That was cool. I think her name was (Y/N). She seemed smart.

2005, September, 7

New boy lives next door! Mum made me say hello. I said no. but she never hears me. She must not like me. I love my mum. She must hate me. I feel sad. I still don’t know his name. he didn’t say hello. He must hate me. Now I’m sadder.

2005, September, 7

(Y/N) is my neighbour. She came over with her parents. I got scared because she is cool. She said hi. I didn’t. I’m mean. She probably thinks I’m stupid.

2005, October, 16

Mum keeps making me go to his house. I don’t want to speak. Not to him. He looks at me weird. He must hate me to the max. Mum says no. She is a liar. His parents are nice. Not as good as mine. Good. My mum and his mum are friends. Just like me and Hana. Good. Mum should have friends as well.

2005, October, 21

They keep coming to my home. Mum and Dad say it is because we are friends. I didn’t know. Me and her are friends? ok.

2005, November, 19

New boy stayed in his room when we came over. His mum said he was sick. She lied. I could hear him singing. It was good. I like singing too. Maybe we can be friends. I’m bad at singing. He will think I suck. We can’t be friends.

2005, November, 19

They are at my house now. I locked myself in my room. Mum told me to come out or (Y/N) wouldn’t want to be my friend. I don’t care. She scares me. She is quiet at school but loud with her parents. She must be a transformer or something weird. I’ll block her out with my singing.

2005, December, 17

Nearly Christmas! So excited! Mum told me to give Yeonjoon something. I asked Mum his name. I had to write it on a card. He is Yeonjoon. I don’t know what to get him. We aren’t even friends. He is just a weirdo. Maybe he’d like a rock as well? Do all kids like them? Hana doesn’t. But I do! Yeonjoon probably won’t.

2005, December, 21

Christmas. I can’t wait to get new toys. Dad made me sign a card for (Y/N). ok. Mum said I should pick her a flower for Christmas. There are no flowers around. I looked. Mum must have meant it as a joke. I should’ve laughed instead of being serious.

2005, December, 25

Yeonjoon’s family is coming over today. I don’t want them to. This day is meant to be for my family! Not other families. Mum says I should spend time with people I like. I told her I didn’t like him. She told me that was mean. Oh well. I must go now. The doorbell is ringing.

I’m back. I showed Yeonjoon Yeonjun my rocks, he didn’t care. I knew I shouldn’t have offered him one. He took it anyway. It was the small one, named Sam. I liked that one. I hope he doesn’t lose it.

2005, December, 25

Christmas today. I just opened all my presents. I got so many cool things. Mum told me to get ready because we are going to (Y/N)’s house after lunch. I decided not to fight it. Today should be happy. So I will be.

I’m home. We went to (Y/N)’s house. Food was yummy. (Y/N) spelt my name wrong on the card, so I corrected her. She seemed sad. I was sad she spelt it wrong. I got hers right.

We went to her room to play. She collects rocks. That’s not normal. She gave me one as a gift. It was weird but I picked one. The smallest one so she wouldn’t get sad. She called it Small Sam. It was funny that it had a name. I’ll keep him in my bedside table, so I don’t lose it. first Christmas gift I got from a friend.

2006, January, 29

I know Yeonjun lost Sam, he’s not in Yeonjun’s room. my small rock baby died. Because of Yeon-poop-jun. I hate him.

2006, January, 29

She was mad today. She was looking all around my room. I asked her what she wanted. She said she was only looking. Weird girl. It was kind of funny. I hope she wasn’t judging.

2006, April, 2

Yeonjun came over again today, he brought Sam. We played with rocks. He even went to the garden and found his own rock. Why is he nice? I’m sorry Yeonjun for thinking you killed Sam. I’m glad you like rocks as well.

2006, April, 2

I went to (Y/N)’s house because I was bored. Mum told me I should see if she wanted to play. So I brought Small Sam because I know she likes rocks. She was happy. We played rocks. She had more rocks to play with than me. I went to her garden and found my own one. I named him Gerard. Seemed right. I had fun even though they were rocks.

2006, June, 14

I had a thought when I was playing with Gerard and Sam. What if (Y/N) is poor and has no money for toys? That would be sad. I told Mum we should get her something. She said no. That (Y/N) had toys. She just likes rocks. Odd.

2006 July, 22

I have nobody to play with apart from Poop-Jun. Summer is boring. I wish my friend lived as close as Yeonjun. then I could play with them. Yeonjun is boring now. He got annoyed with my rocks. I thought he liked them. If he was a rock I’d put him in the toilet and flush it.

2006, July, 22

I went to (Y/N)’s. I was trying to see if she had toys. Mum says she does. I’m not sure. I asked if we could play with something that isn’t rocks. She got sad. I didn’t mean to make her sad. I was just checking if she was poor. If she was. I’d give her a toy. She got mad that I wouldn’t play rocks and kicked me out.

2006, September, 4

I didn’t speak to Yeonjun all summer after the rock thing. I saw him in school today. He has glasses now. He looks silly. I wanted to laugh but I knew I shouldn’t. I kept my head in my book all day.

2006, September, 4

(Y/N) still seemed mad about the rocks when we went back to school. I hoped she wasn’t. I feel bad that she does. She laughed at my glasses. On purpose to get back at me. Mum said I had to keep my glasses. But I hate them now. I don’t want her people to make fun of me.

2006, October, 31

Me and Yeonjun went trick-or-treating together. It was fun. He was a pirate. I was a princess. Our mum’s made us match. We looked good. I had pink hair spray. I looked pretty.

2006, October, 31

Halloween. (Y/N) was a princess. She had pink hair. I thought only adults could have coloured hair. Her mum told me it was fake. I asked if it was a wig. She told me no and showed me it was a spray. She asked me if I wanted some. I did. I got a streak of pink. (Y/N) told me it was pretty. She called me a princess. I was a pirate. But ok.

2007, February, 9

Mum told me Yeonjun and I are two peas in a pod. What does that mean? Peas are gross. Are we gross? Maybe he is but I am not. How mean!

2007, February, 21

Mum said me and (Y/N) are like magnets that could stick together but chose not to. She explained it to me. It was confusing. Magnets have two poles. If you put opposite poles against each other they join. If you put the same poles together they push apart. Is she saying I push (Y/N) apart? Do I need to spin around? I don’t get it.

2007, May, 7

Me and Yeonjun don’t speak in school. Isn’t that weird? Are we friends? I don’t know. But every time I hear a fun song I write it down and put it in his letterbox. I hope he likes it. He likes singing.

2007, June, 29

I was walking home today and I saw a rock. I thought it looked like a heart and I thought of (Y/N). She would like that rock. So I kicked it home and left it near her front gate. Hopefully she will see it and like it. I thought it was cool.

2007, June, 30

You won't believe it! I found the cutest rock ever today. It was near my house's front gate. It looks like a heart. When I looked up I saw Yeonjun with his head out of the door watching me. I decided I’d call it Yeonjun. it seemed fitting. He shouldn’t have been watching if he didn’t want me to use his name. hehehehe!

2007, June, 30

OMG! She just picked up the rock and saw me. She smiled at me. Does she know it was me? Oh no. wait. Maybe that isn’t bad.

2007, August, 1

I heard Yeonjun singing one of the songs I suggested today. So I asked how he knew it. I hoped he didn’t know it was me. He said his parents write notes for him to suggest him songs. He says the songs are good. That’s good! Because it isn’t his parents. It’s me!

2007, August, 1

(Y/N) complimented the song I was singing today. I’ll have to thank Mum and Dad for suggesting it. she seemed happy that she knew the song. Note to self: It’s one of her favourites.

She closed the diaries and sighed, ‘’Dad, that note to self was not helpful. How am I meant to know what song was Mum’s favourite? Grandma and Nana were doing all the work, goddam. Going to have to make a few phone calls after this. God, they were so clueless back then. Dad clearly likes her!’’. The slow-burn love story was driving her crazy, but she was invested. How did her parents fall in love? This would be the perfect inspiration for her creative writing project.

She picked up the next diaries, it looked like they were in secondary school now.

2010, September, 4

Looks like me and Yeonjun are still going to the same schools, how annoying. I thought I would finally be able to escape him, but I was dreadfully wrong. Yeonjun’s mum told me about us being magnets yesterday. She is clearly crazy. Me and Yeonjun aren’t even the same creation. He is cool and talented, and I’m just me. Was she just trying to show off her son and make me feel bad? Probably not, but it worked.

2010, September, 10

Apparently, the school want us to keep diaries, so we can stay in touch with ourselves and our mental health. Bullshit if you ask me. But whatever. I like writing, but when I’m forced to like this, it makes me want to shove a pen in my eye. Same way seeing (Y/N) at school does. She’s always around me, I feel like we are joined! I just want to grab a pair of scissors and cut the thread connecting us!

WAIT…. NOOOOO! I just made myself think about the red thread of fate! Oh, fuck no! Brb, going to die.

2010, November, 13

Yeonjun is so popular at school that it hurts. I used to be the only one that knew he was talented, but now it's different. He wants the whole school to know so he can climb the social ladder. What a bitch. He’s just rubbing it in my face that I’m not cool, I’m just a nerdy quiet girl. Well, fuck him!

2010, November, 27

(Y/N) was in the library again today, I could see her as I left to go to the field. She’s always in there. Maybe I could convince her to come and play with me? I doubt it. she hates talking to me at school. Fine, whatever she wants…

2010, December, 24

Yeonjun won’t be here this Christmas, he’s gone to spend it with more family. It’s weird knowing he won’t be coming for dinner, he has been since we were 6, we are 12 now. OH, MY GOD, I’ve known him for 6 years. GROSS!

2010, December, 24

(Y/N) told me to have a nice time visiting my family when I saw her earlier, but I could see the sadness in her eyes. Maybe she feels the same way I do. I love my family but, in a way, (Y/N) and her family became part of my Christmas. We’ve spent 6 Christmases together, it will feel wrong without her, I know that much.

2010, December, 25

Christmas was great, in a way it was peaceful without Yeonjun around. But I'm not sure if I like that or not yet. It felt a little dull without him, but I still had fun. I felt really close with Mum and Dad today, it hasn’t been like this in years.

2010, December,25

It sucks here! Not even my cousins could make me feel better. I want to go back home. I should be happy… I haven’t seen my family all together like this in years. But thoughts of (Y/N) keep coming to mind, and I miss her. I hope she’s at least had a nice Christmas. I’ll call her later, so I know she isn’t bored without me.

2011, January, 1

Happy New Year! Yeonjun came last night and surprised me and my family. It was nice, so nice I forgot to write about it. I’m glad I got to speak to him in person again because his calls every evening got boring. He danced and sang a lot last night, he made all the grown-ups laugh. I wish I could bring joy to people like that. I’m jealous.

2011, January, 1

It’s the new year now. Mum told me to make a resolution. I told her I did, but I'm a stinking liar. I know I’m not going to stick to that. Perhaps I should make it something like ‘’call (Y/N) every night to annoy her’’ or maybe something useful like ‘’sign up to dance club’’. Maybe the last one is smart. I don’t like the other one, I don’t want to annoy (Y/N), she’ll only start hating me.

2011, March, 30

Yeonjun started doing dance club recently, and now he’s always late home and late places. I heard our mums talking about it. I couldn’t imagine being late for anything. He's got too much on his plate, he's out of touch with what he's capable of.

2011, April, 7

(Y/N) told me I should start being on time for things today. All because I was late to school and then late to her house after club. It’s not my fault I’m tired and busy. She’s not my mother! She’s got big boots because she does every piece of homework the day it's set and hands it in early. I must be stupid in her eyes. It’s not that I can’t do it… I just can’t time myself well.

2011, May, 18

Rumour got around at school quickly that Yeonjun finally got a detention for his tardiness. I want to say good, but I feel kind of bad. I know he works hard he just can’t organise himself. All he needs is someone to keep him on track. Maybe I’ll message him something like ‘’Do you need my help. We can Facetime and talk about the homework the night it's set, and both get it done together’’. Yeah, that seems nice, I'll message that.

Oooo, he responded. He took me up on my offer. He wants to call now so I’ll go. Time to be a hero…

2011, May, 29

Thank God for (Y/N)! ever since she started helping me, I can control myself a bit better. My homework gets handed in on time and because I’m less stressed, I sleep better, which means I wake up on time for school. She’s a blessing, isn’t she? A little time angel.

2011, July, 6

I regret saying I'd help Yeonjun. he started coming over to my house every evening so we could work on homework together. It’s better this way, but it’s annoying. He doesn’t knock! It drives me crazy. Every time I remind him knocking is a thing he says ‘’Yeah, next time’’. BUT HE NEVER DOES!! Next time I’ll hit him, I swear.

2011, July, 27

I’m so glad the school year is over and me and (Y/N) got closer. I think my New Year’s resolution worked for both ideas I had. ‘’Sign up to dance club’’, well it also did the same thing as ‘’Annoy (Y/N) more’’. Though she doesn’t seem to hate me. Cool!

She put down the book and practically slapped her head ‘’How dumb are you both?’’ she questioned sizing up the next book that seemed to be from year 11. She wonders why there are so many gaps in between. Then she remembers the thing her dad wrote about being forced to keep a diary.

2014, September, 7

School started again… unfortunately. The summer was nice this year. Me and Yeonjun hung out nearly every day. He didn’t really give me a choice, he was always barging in. No, he still hasn’t learnt how to knock. It drives me insane. I punched him in the arm last time, he only laughed like a maniac. Fucking freak.

He’s in my Maths class now, he was the set below last year. Clearly, all the studying I helped him do pay off. I’m proud of myself, and him I suppose. He sits next to me now. He passes me notes. I’ll stick them on the pages.

You look like a nerd when you concentrate, did you know that? -Yeonjun <3

As if I give a fuck, who does he think he is? Sending me notes when I was trying to concentrate like a nerd! That was not helpful Yeonjun!

2014, September, 7

WINNING! I got moved up a set! To (Y/N)’s set, which means I’m a genius by the way. She even sits next to me. That means I can cheat! Not that she’d let me… she believes strongly in hard work, and so do I. That’s why I worked so hard over the summer to get better, I don’t need perfect grades for being a musician, but getting them would be nice.

I sent her a post-it note in maths class, I don’t remember what It said but she sent one back. Why didn’t she just write on the one I gave her and hand it back?

Shut your mouth Poop-Jun, focus. Or you’ll become dumb again <3

-(Y/N)

Did she seriously call me POOP-JUN!! like a child? It’s kinda cute funny!!!!!!!!! I’ll have to make up a dumb name for her. Game on (Y/N)

2014, October, 31

I’m going to a party tonight, for the first time in my life. All because Yeonjun asked… I hate this man. I heard there would be alcohol, we aren’t old enough for alcohol. I voiced my concerns to Yeonjun, but he told me that was normal. What? I didn’t know that… underage drinking is normal. Had he drunk before? Why?

2014, October, 31

I finally convinced (Y/N) to come to the Halloween party with me. Thank fuck. Maybe I can teach her how to drink today before we get to college, and she embarrasses herself. Even if she did, I’d still like her. NOT IN A WEIRD WAY!! I just mean that I’d still be her friend!!

She sighs at her dad and mumbles ‘’I think the boy doth protest too much… nobody asked how you meant it, dad!’’

2014, November, 1

I feel like such a bad child. I need to confess that I drank last night. Not because Yeonjun told me, but because I was curious. He did offer me, but he warned me first. I heard him out but even after his lecture I still did it. he decided not to because I had, and he wasn’t sure if I could take it. Turns out I couldn’t take it that well and Yeonjun tried to take me home, I tried to tell him not to because of my parents. He already knew that though; he’s known my parents for more than half his life!!

We went to his instead and he let me sleep in his bed, he slept on the blow-up bed on his floor. It was weird having a sleepover with him, especially drunk. I remember looking off the bed and seeing him on the floor sleeping peacefully. I wished I could sleep peacefully, but the urge to throw up last night stuck like a nasty bug.

2014, November, 1

Note to self: (Y/N) absolutely can’t drink!!

God, it was so cute funny! She drank quite a lot, more than I'd expected. She seemed to have a lot of fun. But suddenly she kind of fell backwards against me. At first, I thought she was trying to put the moves on me, and I froze, but I quickly realised it was because she was drunk. She was losing control of her body. Though she protested when I tried to take her home, she eventually gave in. under one condition, not her parent's house. Did she think I was an idiot? I already knew that! I wasn’t born yesterday! Her parents might kill both of us. But my parents didn’t care… who do you think drove us home? Dad picked us up and I explained it to him. He came up with the solution of her sleeping over.

I froze once again at the thought… (Y/N), sleeping in my house? That was new! Fine, whatever. I agreed to it. I sent her parents a message on her phone so they wouldn’t suspect anything. Genius.

She was gone when I helped her into my bed, instantly collapsing. It was cu… no I won’t write that again!!!! I kept an eye on her because I didn’t want her throwing up and she looked so red… but even then, she was beau…

Never mind…

‘’NO. Dad, it was right there. You knew it. you liked her!!!! Please tell me you knew it’’ she huffed, frustrated by how her dad kept crossing out words or not finishing them.

2014, November, 10

I told my parents about my drinking; they didn’t actually care because they knew I was safe. They just wished I had come home so they could take care of me instead of me being in the house across. It nearly made me cry when my mum said that. They said at the age of 16 they would rather I didn’t unless I was at home, but that they did it when they were my age. Me and Yeonjun had clearly perceived them all wrong.

When he came flying into my house unannounced, I heard them talking to him downstairs about it so laughed upstairs until he flung my door open, something along the lines of ‘’You could’ve warned me’’ coming out of his mouth. Apparently, he was downstairs trying to fight for my life by keeping up the lie, until my parents told him I’d admitted it. all I could say was ‘’that’s what happens when you don’t ask to come over’’. He was quick to respond though ‘’You love it when I appear’’. He was wrong, I don’t love it, I only like it mildly….

2014, November, 10

How dare she?? I’ve never been more: horrified, shocked, and embarrassed all at the same time… was this revenge for taking her to the party? No… she definitely had fun, she thanked me. What did I do to deserve this? Imagine me lying my ass off to her parents, meanwhile, they know the truth, God there isn’t much worse than that. Practically broadcasting that I’m not the boy they know and love!

When I told her she should’ve warned me she was nonchalant about it all… how dare she be so calm. It annoyed me to see her like that, but it somehow calmed me down at the same time. We sat in her room all evening talking about what had happened at the party, what she actually remembered, how she talks in her sleep.

It was great until I caught her mum on the way out the door. ‘’I know you care about her, so I know you would never let something happen to her. But please don’t lie to me like that again… put some trust in me Yeonjun, and I’ll put my trust in you’’. I wasn’t sure what she meant by that, and I still don’t. it keeps circling my head, and each time I just want to know what she really meant. Easier said than done.

2014, December, 25

It’s that time of year again. Christmas. I don’t get the same joy I used to get from it now, but Yeonjun still seems thrilled by it. he just wouldn’t hang up the Facetime call last night. We fell asleep on it. I eventually drowned out the sound of him talking and drifted to sleep, but I woke to his sleeping face on my screen and panicked and hung up. It took me by surprise, I thought he would’ve hung up. Unless he accidentally fell asleep.

Even though he knew he’d see me later that day he was texting me things like ‘’GOOD MORNING’’, ‘’MERRY CHRISTMAS’’, ‘’I HAVE THE BEST GIFT FOR YOU THIS YEAR’’. Yes, Yeonjun types in all capitals, he’s on drugs I swear. This year I got him new dancing shoes with money I'd earned from my job, they were the ones he’d wanted for months… and I joined forces with his parents so we wouldn’t both get them for him. I’ll write again once he’s got them. So, I can forever replay the epic moment when he tells me I’m the best friend ever for listening to his never-ending whining.

2014, December, 25

I didn’t wake up on a call with her like I thought I would. Maybe she hung up in her sleep, or the call cut out. When she fell asleep last night to the sound of my voice, I found that so…. I found it very… very peaceful and nice! So, I stayed on call and eventually fell asleep myself. I found it comforting to do so…

Waking up without her on the call was more disheartening than I thought it might be, so I messaged her. No, I spammed her! She must think I’m stupid! She eventually answered me though. ‘’I look forward to giving you your gift! It’s so good, you’ll love it!’’. pshhhh, she thought she had a better gift than I'd got her, she was severely wrong. I’d got her a new set of paints and brushes, the expensive ones she said were out of her reach. She loves painting… and I love looking at her paint.

"Dad you are driving me crazy here, just admit it to yourself’’.

2014, December, 26

Yesterday was crazy! Yeonjun’s family came over and we did gifts like normal. Yeonjun got me the paints I wanted!! I was so glad he listened to my groans and used his brain to get me them. I have no clue where he got all that money, and it made me feel bad thinking about how he’d spent it all on me… but I did the same, so I suppose it’s fair. The best bit was, he gave me a tiny painted rock he’d apparently painted when he was sat with me in the art rooms at school. I didn’t even see him! Crazy! I think I want to start painting rocks now, I have so many I might as well.

But when things got serious is when our parents invited us to drink with them and play board games. Imagine me and Yeonjun on a team playing games against adults that were only tipsy. Ridiculous. We played Monopoly and I kept stealing Yeonjun’s money, he didn’t know though. He seemed clueless every time he picked up his money to pay ‘’where did I spend my money’’ he’d whine, a stupid pout on his lips. I’d then make up a story on how he’d spent it on his way around the board. He fell for it every time… nice!

2014, December, 26

OMG!!!! (Y/N) GOT ME THE DANCE SHOES I WANTED!!!! She must be rich to have afforded these! They are so comfortable and feel so nice when I dance. She knows me so well…. She is such a great listener. I only mentioned these once, I think…

We ended up drinking all together with our parents it was hilarious because she was so gone. I drank a little extra to keep up with her, but I couldn’t help but laugh every time I looked down at her pink-flushed face… she truly sucked at drinking. We were on the same team for charades, and she was awful at showing words, but great at guessing them. I couldn’t help but laugh at her terrible impression of a reindeer, she tried so hard. It was so cute. We played Monopoly all together and she kept stealing my money, she thought I didn’t know, but I did. She even watched me watch her take a piece and she still seemed convinced I didn’t know. I’d let her win today; it was too FUNNY not to.

2015, January, 19

Yeonjun kept sliding me notes. Now I have a collection of them… here.

Is the answer to question a x=6?

Yeonjun ;P

By the way, the answer was not 6. Yes, I did help him. I’m not a demon.

The boy in front of us has a sticker on his back!!!! HAHAHA

Yeonjun XD

I heard Yeonjun laugh to himself as he: one, realised our classmate had a sticker on his back, two wrote the note, three as he handed it to me, four as I read it, and five, looked at the boy's back. Yes, there was a sticker… was it funny, maybe a little. But he was distracting me.

Do you think I’m sexy?

YES OR YES no

Sexy man Yeonjun ;D

When I received it, I crossed out his options with a laugh and showed him my new options. He pouted at me and acted like a stroppy baby for the rest of the class, how annoying.

Don’t cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me?

(Y/N) … Don’t ignore this! Write the next lyric. I know you know it!

Don’t you wish your girlfriend was a freak like me?

DON’T CHA!!!!!!!!!

Well done

That one I nearly didn’t write the lyric because I was trying to focus. But it became more distracting to not answer him than to answer him. I discovered Yeonjun gives up faster if I just respond to him. It was also a note I nearly got confiscated from my desk, had Yeonjun not snatched it up before our teacher could see it. I’m glad he did.

Can I come over today?

Yeonjun <3

You always come over…

Yes, but I was asking because I’m nice.

No, you are asking because you are bored, can you please just focus on the lesson.

Only because you asked <3

That one was prime craziness and I snatched it up when the sight of a heart met my eyes. How could he be joking so shamelessly?

2015, January, 20

IT’S THE WORST DAY OF MY LIFE! I got moved away from (Y/N) in maths!!! The teacher said we talk too much… I’m sorry but have you ever seen her mouth move for a fun conversation… no! She’s only ever explained things to me!! What is this hate that’s being slung our way! I’m pissed! There goes any fun I’ve ever had in school! Now all that’s left is cute notes she gave me!! I’m in my feelings!! I’ll stick the memories of our fun times together down below.

Yeonjun breath quieter, it’s too loud :)

Annoyed (Y/N)

The answer is 3 not 6!!

Smart (Y/N)

Our teacher is wrong the answer is actually 23. I have no clue how he got 24…

Confused (Y/N)

Can we get snacks before we head home?

Hungry (Y/N)

Is my hair flat at the back? I feel a bump…

Curious (Y/N)

2015, January, 23

Yeonjun got moved back next to me, good because he was whining about it so much, I thought I’d have to cut off my own ears. When I walked in and saw him sat down, I was glad the whining would be over. I knew he’d be all right without me, he is smart, but he seemed to want to cling to me. He needs to grow some self-confidence.

2015, January, 23

THANK THE LORD THAT ME AND (Y/N) SIT NEXT TO EACH OTHER AGAIN!!!! Apparently, it was only for that one lesson, so when I went into the classroom early begging to sit next to her because she helps me, I was just embarrassing myself. Ughhh, the things I do for her happiness. I just knew she wouldn’t be able to handle being apart from me. The look on her face, when she saw me sitting in my normal seat, said it all. She was obviously in love with me!!!

"God no mum! He wanted to stay near you because he likessss you’’ She slapped the words in the diary, now annoyed by her clueless mother as well as her father.

2015, February, 9

Me and Yeonjun keep talking about college and what we want to do in the future. We both seem as clueless as each other so we spend days in my room googling colleges, and the courses they have. Half the problem is… we don’t really want to go our separate ways. I may get annoyed by him, but Yeonjun has been my friend for 10 years, and for all of that we’ve gone to the same school. I really don’t want that to change, it scares me.

What happens if I can’t make friends? I won’t even have Yeonjun to rely on!! What if I hate it and Yeonjun isn’t around to annoy me because he’s swimming in his popularity in a new school!!! Live your life, but please Yeonjun, stay near me….

2015, February, 10

Looking at colleges is so draining!! Who knew making one choice would feel so pressuring? I know what course I want to do, and the clubs don’t matter to me because I do them outside of school. So why do I find myself looking for colleges that have not only music courses but art ones as well? And why do I find myself suggesting them to (Y/N)?

She seems so stressed out whenever we are looking, so clearly, I’m just trying to help her whilst also looking for myself. Yeah, that sounds right!!!!! Every time we scoot closer together to look at her laptop, the screen lit up with college, I notice it, the look in her eyes. She’s scared, and I don’t know what to say. Life is moving on and I don’t think she’s prepared. She’s been focusing so much on this year that I honestly don’t think she ever thought past it. and now, as she’s trying to revise for her final exams in a few months’ time, she has to make decisions. Ones she’s not ready to make.

In the moment I often think about reaching my hand out to hold hers, maybe she would find comfort in it. but I don’t… it would be weird to her. I know that much….

‘’This is by far the worst bit I’ve read yet! Dad just do it, make a move’’.

2015, February, 17

We picked a college, and both applied, we haven’t heard back yet, but they have no reason to not accept us. I heard it's easy getting into colleges… I’m not sure if I believe it or not, but I'll hope. When we put in our applications I almost cried because I got so nervous, but Yeonjun wrapped his arm over my shoulder and dragged me into his side, the warmth almost comforting. He’s never hugged me out of the blue like that, it shocked me.

I found myself wanting him to hold me longer. I think it’s because I’ve never been hugged by anyone other than my parents, or his parents. My friends don’t hug me because they assume I don’t like to be touched. Am I to serious? I wonder what Yeonjun thinks… maybe he thinks I’m too serious and it took him this long to work up the courage to hug me. Maybe I should think about how I present myself to people.

2015, February, 17

We put in our college applications today, together. We applied for the same college as I wanted us to. She was worried because we had finally done it, made a decision. She expected to hear back instantly, I don’t know why, and when she didn’t, she got so nervous I thought she’d throw up. So, my arm moved before I could think. I hugged her!!! She didn’t run away or tell me I was gross… she calmed down slightly. Maybe she didn’t find it weird at all. I was really worried she would, that’s why I never comforted her physically. I suppose I was the one that was scared after all.

I really hope we get into the same college; I don’t really know what it would be like without her. No matter where I go, she’s always been there… not really, I could list places she hasn’t been that I have… shut up Yeonjun….

I just want her by my side for a while longer. Is that a crime? If it’s not, why do I feel like it is?

2015, April, 14

We have spent so much time revising, I feel like I have no time for anything else. I don’t know how Yeonjun does it… he does clubs, school, revision and hangs out with his friends. I’m sure he’s awake 24/7, that would make sense. But he never looks tired. He always looks so awake, like every day is day he will love, even though he’s been living this life for months.

I have his timetable because I’m the one that organises his life… this isn’t a friend’s package… I’m doing too much. But someone has to, he has no one else that will... all this happened because I offered my help a few years ago, oh the butterfly effect, you’ve got me now.

2015, April, 19

ALL I DO IS REVISE!!! It’s so astronomically boring. Yeah, that was a big word, (Y/N) says it’s the word of the day. She says I should try using them, so boom!! Too bad she’ll never see the proof… I’ll have to use the word in her face later when I go to her house. Maybe I should say ‘’You are astronomically smart, I’m grateful for you’’…. EW, too mushy for me. I'd only say that to a girl I liked, and I DON’T like (Y/N)!!!

2015, May, 9

I had my first exam today… I’m so nervous. I think it went well, but I heard that means I did badly. I really hope I didn’t do badly. I haven’t tried my whole life to fail now. Come on (Y/N), only a little longer left. Time to get back to revising for my next test, its tomorrow, I’m wasting time.

2015, May, 9

Sat my maths exam today. It went well, I’m very happy. I sit my English one tomorrow, I’m not confident. (Y/N) is on Facetime right now trying to drill quotes into our head, I’m trying to listen, but I just can’t focus. That’s why I’m writing my mind on this page so hopefully I can listen to her again.

Why is it that every time I look at her on the screen stressing about the exam that I want to hug her, tell her it will be okay. At first, I thought I was just an amazing friend, and I wanted to help her. But the thought won’t leave me alone. I’m so close to marching over to her house and holding her until she tells me she feels okay.

I should listen to her again now, or she will get mad. That would only make things worse…. Good luck me!

2015, May, 23

I had my art exam today and I painted Yeonjun. I spent the whole day in a room painting his portrait… when I asked him to be my reference for art, he was okay with that, I think that’s because he’s confident in himself, I’m not. I’m jealous of him and his stupid face, which I can now say for sure, is very even. I spent the whole day painting it!!! I would know!!! I'd never focused much on his face when I was painting before, I could just kind of paint it, like it was the easiest thing. But today I was so careful that I was measuring. I couldn’t afford a mistake on this exam; I needed the perfect grade… I hope Yeonjun never sees that painting because honestly, I think I painted him too well. His ego may shoot, and I wouldn’t be able to stand that.

2015, May, 23

(Y/N) spent the entire day painting me, and when I waited for her by the classroom, I could see her through the glass. She looked like she was being careful, each stroke was controlled. I couldn’t see the canvas because it had its back to me, but I could see her. She had paint smudged on her nose and cheeks, clearly shed brushed it onto herself by accident. Why did my heart flutter at the sight of her? That wasn’t meant to happen…

A teacher saw me waiting and spoke to me ‘’Ah, Mr Choi? The one (Y/N) is always painting?’’. Did she speak about me to her teachers? He seemed to know about me… it was odd. I responded to him regardless ‘’Yes sir, that’s me. How do you know?’’. The teacher laughed at me and patted my back ‘’Word gets around… she paints you, and what do you photograph in your photography work?’’. He was teasing me!!!! How dare he!!! He already knew the answer… I photograph her. She just makes the perfect subject; she doesn’t need to pose. I can take a picture of her when she’s being moody and ignoring me and it comes out perfectly. Does she know I do this? No. if she found out would she hate me? Yes. She doesn’t like the way she looks… how sad… I think she looks perfect incredible… FINE. She looks absolutely normal, not bad…

2015, June, 20

I finally finished school, I'm not sure how I feel. I got accepted to the college me and Yeonjun wanted, and he did as well. We have the whole summer to do what? I have nothing to keep me busy now, maybe other than Yeonjun and work. I thought I’d be more excited to have an early summer. But instead, I realised I’m boring. What do I do with my days? All I do is wait for Yeonjun to finish living his life and then come around my house. When college starts, I need to make some friends, that aren’t Yeonjun!!!

2015, June, 23

THANK YOU, LORD!! TORTURE IS FINALLY OVER!! All exams are done, I got into the college I wanted, my friends still want to hang out with me!!! I’ve spent my days practically living at dance club, or my friends’ houses. Me and Soobin are curious how long I can live at his house without my mum telling me to come home. So far, we are at 3 days. In these days I haven’t seen (Y/N) and the only messages she sends me are ‘’Why didn’t you come over today?’’, ‘’You didn’t come over again today’’, ‘’Are you dead. You come to my house every day. This is the third day’’. Surely, she has things she can be doing, why is she so worried about me. It’s probably best I keep my distance, for my own good. She won’t mind, in fact, she’ll probably like it…

2015, June, 30

He still hasn’t come over… what is his problem??? I stopped messaging a few days ago. He never tells me where he is or what he’s doing, he just sends me a message saying ‘’not today, watch a movie or something’’. I don’t like watching movies alone… I thought he knew that. Why is he being mean?? I thought we got past that years ago… is it because of college? Is he scared? Well so am I!! I wanted him by my side… I guess not. Maybe I had the wrong idea about us…

2015, July, 3

I finally returned home because my mum told me to. She knew I was at Soobin’s because I told her, and she didn’t seem to care as long as I was safe. The only reason she told me to come home was because of (Y/N)… apparently she got so bored she came to my house to ask my mum to bake a cake with her. They did, and apparently, they had a nice time. But why in the world would she do that. Didn’t she have better things to do?

Mum told me I need to ‘be there’ for (Y/N), but I don’t get it. She seems fine so what’s the problem? I’ll go over and see her tomorrow.

2015, July, 4

Poop-Jun came over today. Stupid boy. Why did he think I’d want to hang out after he hasn’t seen me or messaged me in weeks. Did he decide I was too good for him? Am I too uncool and ugly for popular people like Yeonjun. he makes me want to slap him for being so foolish.

2015, July, 4

That didn’t go as planned. (Y/N) shouted at me and kicked her out of her house. She seems to think I don’t like her anymore; I suppose that’s what I get for trying to push us away from each other. I knew what I was doing, it was selfish. All because I can’t handle her… she doesn’t deserve this. I’m sorry (Y/N), I’ll make it up to you.

2015, July, 18

Yeonjun wouldn’t leave me alone, so we are friends again. He would just appear every day and try and get me to hang out with him. Hed refuse to leave unless we did something. At first, he’d settle for a conversation, then he wanted to hang out for an hour minimum, then he’d want to watch a movie, then go shopping, next thing I knew I’d fallen into his trap. I forgave him. I feel like I wasted my summer being lonely and mad at Yeonjun, is this seriously what my life has boiled down to?

2015, July, 20

We are finally friends again, she told me to come over tonight. I DIDN’T HAVE TO JUST ARRIVE, SHE TOLD ME TO COME OVER. She has never in her life done that. Breaking news if you ask me.

I think her parents invited me around for dinner really, but oh well, I’ll take what I can get.

I hope I can spend the rest of the summer making her happy, she’s started laughing with and at me again recently, I’ve never been happier to hear a sound in my life.

2015, August, 28

Me and Yeonjun have officially enrolled in college, we’ve gone to all the events and met people at induction. Someone even approached me to have a conversation, that was nice. At first, I thought she wanted to speak to Yeonjun, that’s what normally happens, but she didn’t. she told me I had a nice outfit and asked me what I’d be studying. We spoke for a while. Turned out she was a fashion and design student. She asked for my number and jokingly saved it as ‘my future model’. It was really flattering for a pretty girl to say I was model worthy, especially when I’ve never heard a compliment like that from anyone other than my parents.

I’m starting to think college won’t be so bad after all, I think I’m excited now.

2015, August, 28

I don’t want to be that friend… but that girl was hardcore flirting with (Y/N) …. IN FRONT OF ME!!!! How absurd!!!

‘’your outfit is so stylish and looks so pretty, just like you. Wow you should be a model’’!

HAHA

I already knew all these things! (Y/N) is my model… please find your own. I wanted to pull (Y/N) away from her so badly. Why couldn’t I be happy that she was making friends? I want to be, but I can’t. I don’t want to go to college anymore. The world is going to discover (Y/N), and she seems ready this time… she won’t just sit in the library…. Fuck.

Her mum’s diary cuts off there and turns into letters she wrote to herself and Yeonjun, but she never sent them to him, meanwhile his stays as a diary. It’s a good thing her mum dated each one or the story would have to end here.

2015, September, 1

Dear me,

Today was the first day of college. My stomach is knotted with anxiety. I’ll make friends won’t i? I became friends with Layla over the holiday. She’s so interesting, fun and so cool, she reminds me of Yeonjun. She’s such an it girl! Yeonjun says my outfits are cooler since I started hanging out with her. If they are better, why does he seem frustrated? Odd boy.

Class was excellent, I spent the lesson talking about art with people who love art. I found out artistic people are weird, just like me! Yeonjun seemed disgusted by the idea of a room full of Me, rude!

Yeonjun already has a following. I didn’t recognise any people from secondary. He’s already part of a big group. He ask if I’d like to sit with them, but I said I’d rather sit with Layla. He seemed disappointed, but oh well. I’m not like him, I don’t thrive in big groups, i feel most comfortable with a few close friends.

Layla always wants to talk about Yeonjun? Does she have a crush on him?! That would be kinda gross! Why would girls be attracted to him? He’s… Poop-Jun after all.

I have a few questions for myself next month…

Is Yeonjun popular yet?

Does Layla have a crush on Yeonjun?

Have you made more friends?

Do you like your art course?

Did you and Layla go shopping like you planned?

Do you hate it here?

Are… you and Yeonjun still friends?

2015, September, 1

First day of school was easy peasy. I loved having to do nothing but what I love doing. The only thing I don’t love is Layla, she’s been hogging (Y/N), and she knows it. Me and her have beef, seriously. She has been hanging out with (Y/N) ever since they met, and when they aren’t hanging out, they are messaging. (Y/N) says Layla reminds her of me… personally I've never wanted to throw up more. She has nowhere near as much style as I do, and she clings to (Y/N) unreasonably. I have my reasons!!! She’s been my best friend since we were 6, be for real!!!! Me and her AREN’T the same!!

2015, October, 1

Dear future me,

I’ve officially been in college for one month. Let me answer the questions of the previous letter…

Of course, Yeonjun is popular now! Everyone who knows him, loves him. I’ve decided to avoid him in the halls, so I don’t have to deal with the mess that is people saying hi to him or crowding him.

Does Layla have a crush on Yeonjun? It appears not. Since I stopped hanging out with him at school she’s stopped discussing him. That’s good, I don’t want her to like Yeonjun. I refuse to have my friends dating!!!

Yes! I have made friends! Layla and I are in a group of roughly 8, which seemed large in the beginning, but it’s not. Some are friends she brought to the group, and others are friends I made. We are all really creative and it's exciting! We inspire each other to be more imaginative!!

I love my art course; all I do is talk, learn about, and create art! It’s my dream course. It is intricate and sometimes difficult work, but I’m willing to invest into it because I love it.

Layla and I recently went shopping with the rest of our friends. We got the train to the nearest city, with new shops, it was so thrilling. I’ve never done something like that before, it was exciting, trying new styles, chatting! Yeonjun saw the pictures all over my social media. He was jealous we didn’t do things like that. But he hasn’t ever ask…

Nope, I don’t hate it at college. And why would I?! I can leave the college on my breaks, can GO TO THE TOILET WHEN I WANT, I feel like the master of my destiny!

Yes, Yeonjun does speak to me. He will run past me in the corridors sometimes and shout a greeting, but then he’s gone like lightning. We will sometimes sit together if we are both on break and I’m not with my friends. He loves looking at my artwork, especially since I often draw and paint him. It’s definitely strokes that ego…

2015, October, 28

There is a party for Halloween, and I didn’t even have to convince (Y/N) to go, because guess what, Layla and her are going!! They will even be matching!! I saw her outfit, she’s an angel, and Layla will be a devil. How basic… (Y/N) pulled it off though. She looked incredible; I can’t even lie this time. When she showed me, I thought she was beautiful, and I just couldn’t believe that she’s the girl that collected rocks…

Wait… if I thought she was beautiful and I’m her best friend, what will other guys think? No! No, this can’t happen. I can’t have them looking at her, I have to come up with a plan. Hopefully she’ll get drunk and return to my side, she does that when she’s drunk.

2015, November, 1

Dear future me,

Never drink that much again. I think I spilt my drink on this random girl, and I remember her crying? Yeonjun said he helped her out though… What does that even mean?! Wait… did he lose his jacket last night? He gave her his jacket, didn’t he!! That was a cool jacket, how dare he waste it on fixing my mistakes!

I don’t remember how I found Yeonjun, I was with Layla at first. But it reached a point where I just couldn’t keep up and I needed to find familiarity. I think I saw him standing near the fish tank, talking to four guys. I’m not sure how many, it’s blurry in my memory. Omg, memories keep bobbing up like apples. I remember falling against one of his friends and Yeonjun clutching me towards him. He said something to his friends and held me against his chest as he finished his conversation, his heart beat was comforting. I remember mumbling sorry for interrupting.

after he sobered me up a little, he took me home. I remember he helped me to my bed and tucked me in. He whispered ‘’good night’’ before he left… how embarrassing!

2015, November, 1

Why is it always the Halloween parties? God, she looked so perfect… I thought I couldn’t breathe when I saw her dancing with her friends in the corner of my eye. My friends didn’t even wait to make fun of me, they knew what was up. ‘’Yeonjun, she won’t disappear. You can look away from her’’. I knew that I could, but I didn’t want to. If I did would someone take her from me? I did though, I looked away and left her. I even moved room so I could have my own fun.

She took me by surprise when she came over to me, tripping over her feet and falling against my friend, who caught her in his arms and smiled down at her. Oh, hell no, not those two. Anyone but him (Y/N), please…

I grabbed her from his arms and held her against my chest, my hand rested on her lower back and her head pushed against me. There was no way we didn’t look like a clingy couple like this… but it was fine, just for tonight.

‘’You didn’t need to snatch her from me mate. I know she’s yours’’. That’s what he said, and I scoffed at him and asked what he meant. He told me ‘’We all know you like her, so we won’t touch her… everyone knows’’. He was being ridiculous, ‘’I don’t like her’’ I told him. And he said the worst thing I could’ve imagined ‘’Well, in that case, I’ll ask her out on a date. She’s too pretty to pass up’’. I laughed at his joke because it must have been one right. No way he’d say that to me, her best friend, seriously right…

When I got her home, she was clinging to me, and once I peeled her off and got her in bed. She asked me to stay and hold her. I thought about it, but I knew what the right decision was. I didn’t respond to her, I tucked her covers over her and told her goodnight. Why is it always Halloween?

2015, December, 1

Dear me,

Yeonjun has been annoying recently. He keeps running past me at college and ruffling my hair or scaring me. It's so annoying, especially when he messes up my hair because it’s always when I made an extra effort. Can’t he just keep his hands to himself? How annoying! Sorry, I’ve said annoying one too many times, clearly thinking about it makes me so frustrated I repeat myself!

And do you know what’s worse, when I shout at him after he’s finished, and in response guess what he does… he spins as he runs and winks, then he continues running out of view. That man! How dare he be so careless… I hope he runs into a wall one day!!

Art classes aren’t as much fun now, it’s already starting to feel like a chore, so I need to find something interesting to do for my project this year or I’ll get bored. Please future me, please… save me from tedium…

2015, December, 11

(Y/N) is only getting prettier and making my heart flutter endlessly. She walks down the corridors with the prettiest smile, books under her arm because they are too big for her bag, and the most beautifully curled hair. What other choice do I have? I run past her a ruffle it up so it’s not as good every time. She doesn’t need to look pretty for anyone else now, I've already seen her. Did I like her? No, of course not! I just care about her! I just don’t want other guys to like, her, doesn’t that make sense? I’m just trying to protect her…

2016, January, 1

Dear future me,

I’ve saved art for us… are you thankful? Well maybe Yeonjun did, but that isn’t important… You know how he always gives me a rock at Christmas time, a small painted rock, as testament to our childhood. Well, I’ve decided to finally start painting rocks. When I told my lecturer, she suggested I make a project out of it. I’m enjoying it immensely, and I have developed a whole plan. I have a question… did you tell Yeonjun? And did he act big-headed about assissting you with the concept? I bet he did…

Yeonjun wrote me a letter this Christmas, so I’ll put it with this one. It was simply beautiful, so emotion, it made me cry. I didn’t want him to see me teary eyed. He mentioned the magnet thing his mum would say when we were younger. I agree with him, we are magnets opposite poles attracting, and I think we are so powerful we can’t be separated.

He brought me an art easel and some canvases for at home, I was grateful. I didn’t write him a letter for Christmas, so I’m going to write him one soon and give it to him. I don’t want him to think I’m a bad friend. I think I’ll probably paint my parents, beautiful flowers, and a nearby lake that Yeonjun keeps dragging me to. I’ve drawn enough of Yeonjun that I could honestly go my whole life without ever painting him again.

Dear (Y/N),

First of all, Merry Christmas! I’m glad it’s another one together we get to add to the stack of them. How many has it been now? 11? That’s a lot… I’ve known you for more than half my life, isn’t that crazy? I hope that never changes. Can you stay by my side until we are old and wrinkly? I don’t think I want to ever stop being your friend. I don’t think I could at this point.

Recently I’ve seen you change so much, and all because we went to college. I heard people bloom at some point in their life, and I think I got to see you bloom. Do you know how incredible it was? I was scared at first, I didn't want you to get hurt and scarred by the world. I know you’ve always hidden yourself, and I was happy to protect you. But you didn’t want me to this year, did you? So, I let you bloom and now I look at you and I no longer see the girl who collected rocks as a child… I think it makes me sad in a way. I now see the girl who parties and paints, isn’t that a weird duo?

Just like us, no? When I was a child, my mum called us magnets, that were pushed the wrong way together. But now a days I think we are pushed the right way together; I think we click. Did you know it’s difficult to separate magnets, especially strong ones.

Merry Christmas (Y/N), I hope you have a lovely day!

2016, January, 15

Music classes are awesome, I made my own song recently. The lecturer says I’m above the expected level for my age, and that my song is full of emotion. Well duh, it's about her… Yeah, I did that. I can’t think of anything else but her, it’s so stupid. When she’s sat alone, I ditch my friends to sit with her, she probably wanted me to. That's what I tell myself, but who am I kidding? I desperately wanted to talk to her. Please save me, I can’t do this anymore.

2016, February, 1

Dear me,

I told Yeonjun about my idea when he saw it. I stayed in class later than I had to, so I could focus on my project, when he came to find me. He sat down next to me, chin in his hand, and asked why I was painting rocks. He shuffled through the notes and sketches I had on the desk. It didn’t take him long to realise, so I explained my plan.

My project is to bring colour back to my otherwise dull world. Nature is intrinsically beautiful, and I love capturing it any way I can. By decorating the rocks and placing them back where they belong, I add a bit of my beauty to the world. The plan is to distribute the rocks to my favourite places once I’m done with the project. I'll then paint some of the rocks in their location, for the final piece.

To answer my own questions. No Yeonjun didn’t get a big head like you thought he would, he seemed really joyful. In fact, he took me for ice cream when he found out… how odd. But I had fun.

2016, February, 14

I want to throw up. It’s Valentine’s Day, and MY FRIEND gave (Y/N) roses. I saw him do it. She was sitting there, pretty pink dress on because she wanted to wear a romantic colour today, hair in space buns like a cutie, and he walked up to her with the flowers behind his back. It’s like everything went in slow motion and I was given the chance to stop it, but I didn’t. He spoke to her, and she smiled, then he gave her the flowers, she turned the same colour as them. He gave her a note and she smiled again, and he walked away. I didn’t take my eyes off her as she put the letter straight into her bag, not even reading it first.

When she looked up and saw me, she giggled and waved the flowers like an accomplishment. I would’ve been happy if I didn’t like her… that’s right, I have a crush on her. Now I know why they call it a crush. It’s not for a good reason, it’s because it crushes you. I thought it was because you have a crush, and when you finally get the girl, you crush the silly feelings, and it turns into love. I was wrong.

If I ever see those flowers in a vase in her room, I think I’ll throw up… there goes the plan I made for her… I'll slip it here, so I never have to look at it again.

VALENTINES DAY <3 OPERATION CRUSH

1. Buy flowers – her favourites, tulips, not roses, that’s basic - done

2. Get her favourite snacks - done!

3. Download her favourite movies onto my laptop – done!

4. Build the den – done!

5. Decorate den – done!

6. Pack your bag full of the bits you’ll need – done!

7. Get her to come with you – to be done!

8. Success – no

9. Is she your girlfriend? – never

2016, March, 1

Dear me,

Yeonjun has been clinging to me like never before. He sits with me all the time, at school, at home and when we go out. I think we are conjoined at the hip. It’s kind of funny, in a babyish way.

He’s been weird with me ever since his friend asked me out, I told him no, but we became friends. It’s weird how that works… I did try and give him a chance, but I didn’t like him that way. I didn’t even feel anything, it felt dull. I felt bad, but I told him no, not that I told Yeonjun. It isn’t his business, if I’m honest. If Layla wanted to date him, the bile would rise from my stomach. Two of my friends dating, that is just a no. Maybe I should let him know so he relaxes. Maybe then he’ll leave my side… but it’s fun having him around.

2016, March, 17

Is it possible to love being around the one that broke your heart?

Am I really in love with her?

How to tell her I love her?

That’s what my search history looks like nowadays because nobody prepares you to feel this, or how to even deal with it. growing up I couldn’t imagine loving (Y/N), it was the wildest, most far-fetched thing ever. But as I read my diaries from those days and think about how I treated and thought about her, it’s obvious, I’ve had a crush on her forever. The only reason I didn’t notice was because I thought it was the normal feeling of liking a close friend. Why did it take me so long to notice? So long that now other guys like her as well. I don’t even have a chance anymore… who would’ve thought… certainly not me… I love the one girl who has never liked me…. How sad.

2016, April, 1

My project is nearly done. As I was resting today, Yeonjun flew into my room, not even knocking, as usual. Whenever he needed someone to check his music or dance, he’d come rushing over to my house, straight into my room. ‘’Listen to it!’’ he said sitting down on my bed, to which I said the only words that I could think ‘’Knock’’, and he nodded, both of us knowing he would most definitely not knock.

I listened to it, it was delicate, so emotive, and knowing Yeonjun’s created it, was even better. It was better than that! It was perfect, stupid talented boy. As I looked at my phone, I realised I had to go, it was nearly time for the call. ‘’Yeah, it's amazing Jjunie, can you go now? I’m busy’’.

He huffed at me, as if not believing I could be busy ‘’doing fucking what, you were in bed on your phone!’’. When I told him I was going to call a friend he whined about it being our thing, so I told him it wasn’t ‘’You practically living in my house is our thing’, Now get out he’s waiting for me’’.

The mere idea of a male wanting to speak to me clearly disgusted him because he burst ‘’HE??? I THOUGHT YOU WERE ONLY FRIENDS WITH GIRLS’’. I decided then that I shouldn’t tell him it was his friend I was about to call. ‘’ I have both Yeonjun, now get out before I hit you’’. He pouted at me like a baby, ‘’Fine, I get that I’m being replaced, I’ll go’’.

I watched him leave my room, then I watched him enter his own house and his bedroom light turn on from my window. I then called his friend, and we called for a few hours. It was 11 pm when I looked back out my window and Yeonjun’s lights were off. Yeonjun’s light is always on till at least 1 a.m. What was he doing?

I didn’t do anything to upset him, did I? I didn’t do anything wrong, did I?

2016, April, 1

I’m being replaced. I didn’t know a crush could turn into something worse, is there even a verb that can describe this feeling? Maybe instead of a crush, I have a pulverize… that seems right. My heart feels pulverized. Do you want to know why?

Well because (Y/N) kicked me out of her house to call a guy. I have never been kicked out of her house because of someone else like that. Not even Layla. If they called, I'd just sit in the room. why in the world would she kick me out for a different guy?

I feel sick… is that the remnants of my heart trying to escape my body? Should I swallow it or let it out? Is there any point in keeping the slivers of it? When I looked out my window I could see her, she left her curtains wide open again, and I could see as her serious face lifted into a bright smile. She was laughing at his jokes… and all I could do was watch. Do I do this to myself?

I can’t watch anymore… I can’t feel like this again. I’ll go to the only friend I can think of…

2016, May, 1

Dear future me,

Is Yeonjun still ignoring us? He hasn’t spoken to me in school, he hasn’t come to my house… what is happening? Why is he ignoring me? I hope he has a good reason because I don’t like how this feels.

Everything is endlessly dull without him. Where is the colour I love? He made everything so much brighter, more exciting…. Did I just say that I loved the colour, and then suggest that Yeonjun was in fact the colour to my world…. Yes, I did.

Am I in love with Yeonjun?

Holy fuck, I think I love Yeonjun. is this the feeling inside of me? The warmth and light when I’m close to him and the cold dusk when I’m apart from him. Oh god, I really love him… don’t I? Fuck… how did this happen? When did this happen? This year? I’m not sure…

What am I going to do?

2016, April, 16

Is it better if I keep ignoring her? She seems ridiculously sad nowadays. She doesn’t stay in school any longer than she has to. Can I reach out and hug her? Or will she push me away. She probably will, she has other friends now.

I must be a speck of dust in the vast landscape that is her world. I float by, annoying her for a while then I get forced to move along by this force, its wind to a dust, but to me, I’m not sure. What pushed me away from her? Is it possible that by turning my back to her I pushed the same poles of our magnet together? Is it possible that I am the force that’s keeping me from her? If she turns her back as well, does that mean we click again? Maybe I should spin around and confess how I feel. But after all…. I’m just dust.

2016, May, 1

I have a plan. I’m going to get Yeonjun back and make him mine all at the same time. I can’t survive much longer away from him. This feeling is devouring me.

The next stage of my project will arrive in a few days, that’s when I put the rocks in my favourite places. There is a heart rock I found as a child, I named him Yeonjun, and I’ve painted it! Its finally time to return it to my favourite place. I’ll write a letter for him and put the rock at the bottom, buried under colourful paper.

If this doesn’t tell him how I feel I’m not really sure what will. This was the perfect idea, and it linked up so magnificently.

2016, May, 21

I’m so in love with her. You’ll never guess what she did… it was incredible. Like a scene from a movie, or a storybook. She’s so perfect.

After a long day at college, doing my final performance for my exam I came home, just to find her sitting on my bed. I hadn’t spoken to her or been to her house in months. I was so scared to talk to her that I instantly spewed out the first thing she always tells me ‘’What happened to knocking?’’. She shrugged her shoulders with a giggle ‘’I will next time’’. I knew it was a tease at me for never knocking and never learning how. ‘’touché… what brings you to my house, you prefer your house’’.

She deadpanned me at my words and spoke ‘’You don’t come over anymore’’.

‘’You don’t invite me’’, that’s what I said! Could I really not think of a better excuse!!! ‘’I’ve never had to before’’ she countered, and to that I only made up mor lies to hide my feelings ‘’I finally clicked that you didn’t want me around’’.

She huffed at me’’ why would you even think that?’’. I shrugged at her and sat down next to her, trying to peak at what was behind her back, but I couldn’t even see because it was in a box, cutely wrapped like the Christmas gifts she gives me. She stood up and spoke ‘’I’m going to leave this here. You decide if you should start coming back over to my house once you’ve seen it’’. I grabbed her hand as she tried to leave ‘’Don’t be suspicious, just tell me’’. She giggled and squeezed my hand then let go ‘’nope, it’s something you should do alone’’.

The second she was out of my door, I reached for the box and when I opened it, I saw a letter, so I read it, I’ll put it with this one, so I never lose it. once I had read it, I put my hand into the tissue and pulled out a beautifully painted rock. Fuck… she’s incredible. It wasn’t any old rock; it was the one I’d found for her when we were children and I’d sneakily given it to her. I saw her painting it a few months ago for her project, and I knew she was planning on returning them to her favourite places…. I just never knew that would be me. I thought I wanted to cry right then and there.

I knew I had to chase after her, but was straight away to soon? It might have seemed a bit desperate, but I was. My pulverise needed to leave me alone that instant and turn into never ending love for her. Like I originally thought a crush was….

I ran to her house and the second I got into her room, I pulled her into my arms, hugging her as tightly as I could now that I knew she loved me back. I told her how I felt in a single whisper ‘’ I love you too’’ and that’s when she said it back ‘’I love you Poop-Jun’’. Any other situation I’d hate the stupid name, but this time it was almost adorable, it was perfect. She knew it as well.

I asked her the question ‘’will you be my girlfriend’’… and that’s why I know have a girlfriend. Isn’t that’s awesome. The perfect girl you’ve had a crush on forever, is finally your girlfriend. Future me, please keep her happy, and stay together till you are old and wrinkly.

Dearest Yeonjun,

I’ve met many people in my life; good people and bad. No one has ever captured my heart so completely. When I look at you, you appear to glow with a glittering aura. Everything else fades into a grey background without you, as if you have stolen the colour from my world and taken it with you. I need you by my side, Yeonjun.

Those times you would run past me at college, would make heart flutters, and butterflies swirl with delight. And rage with violent anger! You make me feel so many things, but even that’s better than dull and emotionless.

I know all kinds of things about you. All different things. Like the lake you visit when you're feeling lost. You’d found it on a walk one day, and showed it to me the next. Remember? I had never expected you to come across something so captivating, but of course you had. You always make my soul shimmer.

When my eyes laid sight on the golden sun, glistening on the blue hue of the lake, I felt the familiar surge of inspiration, like a guitar melody in one of your songs. When I turned to you, you were transfixed on the lake, so peaceful, enjoying the moment. Did you realise I stole that moment, imortalising you on my page as you drifted, weightlessly into your own reality. That mere drawing is the most honest representation of you. I’ve never told you, but you are the reason I fell in love with art in the first place, I wanted a way to treasure you. Yeonjun, you are a work of art to me.

I like being with you. I try to sit next to you as much as I can. I find myself staring at you all the time. I want to always be with you. And I can’t help myself.

These special moments just between us. You are my light, shining in my world, you ease the sadness. As overwhelming as the loneliness but as soft as cherry blossom, this feeling is as strange as it is new! I guess you can only call it love.

I find myself counting the days we’ve been apart. Longing, with one wish, only to see you again. I want you, I wonder, hopeful, if you feel the same. Thoughts of you fill me, I need you beside me, always.

When I feel the loneliness will consume me, I think about the moments we’ve shared, the Christmas joy, my rocks, and your music. Years ago a beautiful heart-shaped rock greeted me at the gates of my house, and when I gazed up I saw you staring back at me. From that moment I decided I’d call the rock Yeonjun, just like Small Sam had a name. I’ve wondered all these years, if you hid the heart rock for me to find. To me, it became a symbol of our friendship, our changing relationship, our blossoming love.

For my project you know I was painting rocks to return them to my favourite places, and this one is for you, Yeonjun. Because you, and everything you mean to me, is my favourite place. Isn’t it fitting that the rock I found that day, is the rock I return to you? Please accept it, along with my heart.

I love you

“Awwwww… mum fell harder!!! That’s so sweet. He was ready to give up on her but she made the move that he couldn’t! I can’t wait to tease them about this!” Their daughter giggled, packing the pages back away where they belong. Their youth… oh how magical it was.

132 notes · View notes