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#and you can all be confident in my lists because well i will have read Every Single Comic
simpxxstan · 2 days
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Nobody Else (final: part 2)
pairing: chaebol!wonwoo x chaebol!fem.reader
genre: enemies with benefits to lovers, smut (minors do not interact please), arranged marriage, a lot of angst, and some fluff.
summary: the girl who was proud about making her own destiny, the boy she swore to never interact with. sometimes it takes a lifetime to know someone, even yourself. because who would've seen any of this coming?
chapter word count: 22.8k
warnings: angst warnings: overthinking, anxiety, a lot of it. spiralling, constant worries, mention of insomnia. mention of illnesses and a lung tumour, hospitals, medical treatments, relapse. discussions about death. please do not read if you find these triggering! a lot of arguing and usage of profanities. mention of smoking, drinking, food.
smut warnings: oral sex (m. receiving, f. receiving), usage of sex toys, unprotected sex, overstimulation, dom-sub dynamics, breast play, spanking, use of spit during sex, usage of petnames (darling, babe, sweetheart, princess, baby for female), degradation, usage of sir (for male), sir kink, marriage kink, breeding kink, office sex, elevator sex, sex in a public place.
a/n: OH MY GOD. so many people were waiting for this, i can't even imagine. i've had some really tough months when i could not find time to write at all, so i am very sorry for the delay. well, here you go! i hope it meets your satisfactions! putting the taglist in a reblog because the fanfic itself is massive. please let me know your thoughts!! reblogs, comments and asks are so appreciated <3 thank you for reading!
part 1
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You bite your nails nervously. You do this often, it’s a habit you mask well through regular manicures at your home. No one knows about it. No one needs to know. 
You’ve tried it all in these last two days, you swear. You’ve tried every trick on the web- listing the pros and cons of your thoughts on a sheet of paper (on your phone’s notes app), venting to someone (yourself in the mirror), meditation, drinking wine and unwinding in a bathtub, listening to white noise to help you sleep. 
It doesn’t help. Nothing does. Nothing helps to erase the thoughts from your mind, nothing helps to stop the cogs and wheels of the gears turning in your head, nothing helps to drown out the noise of your overthinking. You’ve worried yourself to a fever, and it’s on the fourth day that Jisung caves in and asks you, “Ma’am, are you doing okay?”
You can trust him, you know that. He had, after all, not outed your antics to your mother in spite of her attempts at bribing him with a higher salary. He had remained loyal to you, as he had himself confirmed when you’d brought up the issue with him the day after the fateful lunch invitation. 
But he feels too close, too personal, and yet too distant. He would understand, and yet nothing at all. It feels like a gamble.
“Yes, why wouldn’t I be?” You smile, while popping another paracetamol. At least the fever and its meds help you sleep. 
“You don’t look like yourself. I don’t know if I am in a position to say this, but… is this about the thing your mother discussed with you Ma’am?”
“Are you reading my mind, Jisung-ah? Is that your secret to being the best secretary in the world?” You chuckle drily, staring outside the glass window that makes up a wall in your office. It’s a rainy day, not the stormy kind, but the pestering kind. Where it drizzles light enough that people don’t want to carry umbrellas, but the rain is so insistent, it drenches you right through anyway. 
“I don’t know how appropriate it is for me to ask anything regarding this Ma’am. But I genuinely am curious about how Mr Y/L/N and Mr Jeon agreed to it in the first place.”
On the day you’d spoken to him about the entire affair, you’d told him the truth about your relationship with Wonwoo. His loyalty had earned him at least this much truth, and you were glad to have a confidant. You tried to play it off as coolly as you could, but as soon as you’d spilled the truth, you’d realise what a big weight had been relieved off your chest. It felt like being a teenager again. You had explained to Jisung that it was not romantic in the least, and in fact, you wanted to draw an end to it. You didn’t care to tell him that it was because you were addicted like a drug. 
That was the problem. These last three days wouldn’t have become such a burden for you had you simply called Wonwoo and sought his help. Like a magician, he’d silence the thoughts in your mind and leave you with more clarity than ever, almost like a fresh slate beginning anew. You knew he was the perfect solution, but you had decided to cut it off. There was no point in persisting in this kind of a relationship where you weren’t even friends, not even on talking terms, and yet you needed him to stabilise you. All while he didn’t need you at all. For him, you were just another of his regulars. He’s probably already replaced you by now. 
“My mother can be… very capable when she wants. She has her ways.”
“I’m sure she does. It must not have been an easy feat to swallow pride to agree to the idea of the wedding and take the Jeons out for lunch.”
Words get stuck in your throat. Pride. You’ve never let go of it. Life has been humbling, but you’ve never stopped being proud of who you are and what you’ve been able to achieve. All the dreams you’ve fulfilled. It forms an integral part of who you’ve become, your identity, and the way you perceive yourself. You’ve tried to not let it become arrogance nor vanity, although you have had sufficient reasons. That discipline is also something you pride yourself on. 
“But I guess it’s not a big price for happiness,” Jisung completes his little philosophical speech and busies himself with arranging out letters on your desk that need to be signed, arranged in order of urgency. “I’ll be at my desk Ma’am, should you need any help.” He bows and leaves the room, and you’re still staring out of the window. 
Happiness. 
What an odd word.  What an odd sensation for the billions of people across the world to be chasing all their lives. You had always considered yourself to be above that rat race for gratification and validation. Your successes spoke for itself, and you had no reason to consider yourself unhappy when you were living the dream you’d envisioned since you were a child. 
But are you happy?
_
It’s just for an enjoyable late night drive, you reason with yourself when you find yourself driving on the road that takes you from your office to Wonwoo’s office building. It’s just to see if their coffee has improved, you think, when you step into the building and walk inside. It’s just to see if their employees are forced to work overtime, you figure, when you’re granted a visitor pass by the reception desk even though they’re shocked to see you here. 
“What are you doing here?”
Wonwoo stares at you from the end of the corridor. It’s not lit very brightly and totally empty. 
“Are you busy?”
Wonwoo’s tongue goes into his left cheek, you see it through his skin. He’s wearing a suit in baby blue. You knew he’d look good in blue. 
“Yes. I’m working late as you can see. I don’t enjoy it particularly, so I don’t do it unless I’m really behind on work.”
And why’s that so? Trying to catch up with our closing figures for the financial year? A snarky comment is on the tip of your tongue, but you don’t want to say it. The jibe feels tasteless, even for you. 
No, tonight you’re here in desperation, you finally admit to yourself. You’re here because like any other addict, it’s hard to let go once you get used to the high of happiness you ride when the dopamine kicks in.
“Sorry. I’ll leave.” His rejection is clear. He knows what you’re here for, that’s for sure. You’d never go out of your way to come to his office if it had been for anything else. It’s a good reminder call of reality. 
This is the boy your parents want you to marry. This is the boy you rejected from marrying and from sleeping with. He has every right to turn you down now.
Wonwoo takes a step forward, you take a step backward. It’s a dance. You pause, you don’t even know when you were on the verge of tears. You bite your lips and turn away your face. You walk away quickly, as silently as you arrived. Your thoughts are loud enough to mask the sound of Wonwoo jogging after you, and you only realise when he grabs your arm as soon as you enter the elevator. He enters too, naturally, face a bit flushed from the chase, but before you can ask him what’s up, he pushes you against the mirror on the back of the elevator and kisses you hard. 
It knocks your breath away. In the best way possible. 
You kiss him back. Wildly, passionately. Like lovers, you would think in retrospection, not like rivals who fuck. As if you’d missed each other. Another second of overthinking and you’d delude yourself into believing that he needs you as much as you do. But thankfully, he kisses well enough to wash your thoughts away. 
“Don’t run away from me like that, girl.” He snarls near your ear, his breath making you ticklish, and you whimper when he begins to kiss your neck. He’s going to leave marks again, and frankly, you can’t find it in yourself to reprimand him. Not when your brain is finally drifting away from the anxiety. 
The elevator dings just as he puts his lips back on yours, tongue forcing itself in. You break apart, gasping for air. You haven’t even noticed what a mess you’ve made of his hair. “Wonwoo I… I can leave, really. If you’re busy.” “No, stay.” He doesn’t step away from you even when the elevator door opens, holding you down with his hands, keeping you close to him. The elevator door closes again, and he frantically presses the floor number of his office. “Come with me while I pack up,” he says as an explanation, and you understand. Then he unbuttons your shirt and begins to suck bruises all over the exposed flesh over your collarbones and chest, hands fondling with your breasts. Even over the bra, he instantly finds your nipples and rubs them to perfect hardness, making them so sensitive, that when he lifts you up into his arms and wraps your legs around his waist, your nipples brush against his face and he can feel the nubs poking out. 
“You get turned on like you’re a touch-starved bitch,” he says roughly, making you thrash your arms against his back for the rudeness, before chuckling and thrusting his mouth onto the clothed nipples to suck them while he walks out of the elevator, holding you in his arms still, and seemingly facing no difficulty in walking at all. You become silent again, as you ponder on how strong he really must be, and his bites at your nipples do nothing to prevent the manhandling kink from showing itself. 
“Take me on your desk, Wonwoo.” You beg as he enters his office, but he laughs and puts you down on his chair. Thankfully the entire floor is empty. He begins to arrange papers and turn off his desktop, while you sit silently at his desk. The high slowly wears out as his clearing up takes longer and longer, until you’re no longer turned on anymore and reality strikes. 
He looks at you once all the work is done, staring deep at your soul, making you feel naked. Consciously, you start to button up your shirt and fix your collar.
“I thought we were done with this, Y/N.”
He says it like you’d dumped him while dating, and it’s funny. But you can’t laugh. You did cut him off and now you’re begging him to take you back. It’s a little absurd- inconsistency has never been one of your weaknesses. You’re tempted to dissect it in your brain and understand why it’s happening, but you fall into a spiral of overthinking again.
It’s getting tough to breathe.
You stand up and walk around the room. It’s spacious, with a simple layout, nothing modern like your own office space. You can’t blame it, it definitely screams Wonwoo to you. Instead of huge windows on the walls, he has mahogany shelves stacked with books. Instead of a statement chandelier, he has minimalist lights in focal points of the room. Instead of a charcoal grey settee with everything in cool shades of steel, his office is done in off-white, decorated with rich tones of wood. The room tells you so much about Wonwoo, although you probably know it all already- legacy, tradition and diligence. This is what he’s made of, old money that takes no risks and succeeds without gambles. 
“You know why I had to come back.”
“That doesn’t change anything.” He walks up to you, standing in front of you, as you gaze at the books on his shelves. “Y/N, look at me.” And you do. He looks like Adonis and you want to kiss him. “You said it was getting toxic for you.” He snaps you back to attention, and you sigh. “I can’t… Wonwoo, I tried. But I…” you walk away, unable to continue. Continuing would mean telling him what’s driving you to the brink of anxiety every moment of the day.
“We can talk. If this is about that day, we’re in this together. We may not be friends, but we can be allies in this.” 
The simple way in which he says these words, you don’t think he realises how much more vulnerable he makes you feel. How much more tempted to spill it all to him and be relieved of the burden of this worry. 
“I don’t want to talk to you, Wonwoo. I didn’t come here for talking.” You walk back towards him. “Fuck me and make my brain stop thinking, please.” He closes his eyes for a second. The tension is palpable, it’s making your palms sweat. You tilt your head and gently lean in to kiss the edge of his jaw. His stubble grazes against your softer lips and it’s a nice feeling. 
“I can’t say no when you ask like this.”
_
You wake up in the middle of the night, clammy with sweat and naked under the sheets, alone in Wonwoo’s king-sized bed. Your wrists hurt from being tied with his tie for too long, and you’re definitely too sore to move, but the pleasant buzz all over your body is too good a sensation to forgo. But now that you’ve woken up, you feel thirsty and hot all over, so you get out of bed. You notice your underwear neatly kept on the couch, Wonwoo had taken care to not rip them. You quickly wear them before looking for any waterbottle in the room. Seeing none, and not seeing Wonwoo either, you open the bedroom door and slowly tiptoe your way outside. Once past the small corridor, you notice there’s a dim light in the kitchen, and you can see Wonwoo’s shadow from far away. As you step closer, you notice he’s wearing formals, complete with a glazing white shirt and a grey tie, and his hair is brushed back neatly, although his pants are still pyjamas. He’s doing something on his laptop. You wait in the shadows for a few minutes, trying to understand if he’s in a video meeting or something, but you only hear frantic typing noises from the kitchen. After a whole five minutes pass, you step into the kitchen, and Wonwoo looks up at the same time. 
“Oh! You scared me.”
“Are you in a meeting?”
“No, it got over a while back. Why are you up?”
“I could ask you the same thing.”
“The meeting was with a firm in Canada. They couldn’t adjust timings.”
“And you couldn’t get someone else to do it for you?” You huff, annoyed at how unbothered he is about waking up this ungodly hour and sitting for meetings. You once again thank Jisung for scheduling foreign meetings at suitable timings.
“Do you get someone else to attend your important meetings for you?” 
You both stay in silence for a minute, Wonwoo sitting on his kitchen stool, and you standing awkwardly near the door, staring at each other. It’s only when you start shivering in the cold that you realise what you actually came here for.
“You’re working hard. Too hard. Don’t try to compete with me, Jeon.” You lean down on the island next to him, close enough to hear his breathing but not touching him at all. 
“Go to bed, Y/N.”
“I was thirsty. Where do you keep water in your house?” 
He gets up from his stool and brings a bottle. “Drink, and go to sleep. Or go home.”
You silently sip the cool water, without replying. You can see the dawn slowly coming up from the window in the kitchen, lighting the room up. The circles under Wonwoo’s eyes become prominent to you, and for no reason at all, your heart aches. This is what it’s going to be like, marrying you, Jeon Wonwoo, you think, as you look at him with a careful glance. He’s focusing on his laptop again, typing at light speed, his glasses perched on the edge of his nose. You’re sipping water from his bottle, in his kitchen, wearing nothing but your underwear, and watching the sunrise. Is this what those nights filled with deadlines and insomnia are going to look like if you get married? Is this what staying up together will look like? Is this what watching the dawn together will be like? The sensation tingles your nerves and makes you anxious again. 
“Y/N, if you want to say something, just say it. Or go to sleep, trust me. You’ll need to wake up fresh tomorrow morning.”
The kitchen is warm, cosy, and filled with the familiar scent of Wonwoo’s body. You want to stay wrapped in it, and not say a word. You don’t want to break this moment, although you have no idea why sharing this simple moment is making you so emotional. Perhaps because you’ve never done it before and never imagined you would do it?
“My father is dying, Wonwoo.” 
Wonwoo stops typing and looks up.
“He has a tumour in his lungs.”
“Since when?”
“A few months now. He hadn’t told me. He didn’t want to bother me, my mom said.”
There’s a beat of silence. Again the warmth of the kitchen wraps you up and you both stare out at the slowly brightening sky outside. As a girl, you’d hate watching the sunrise. It would remind you of the nights you’d been unable to sleep and had been forced to stay up all night. But now, you can appreciate its beauty. Its consistency, its reliability. It happens every day. One of the precious few things that happen regularly, you’ve come to realise. 
Wonwoo breaks the silence. “So why now?”
“Huh?”
“Why tell you now, of all times?”
“He wants to see me married before he dies.”
Wonwoo shuts down the lid of his laptop with a smash, knowing fully what’s coming next.
“Y/N. What do you want?” He stands up and comes to stand next to you, leaning against the counter and looking down at you.
There are many things you want to say. I don’t want to throw away my freedom. I don’t want to marry a stranger. I don’t want to dance to my Appa’s whims. I don’t want to lose focus on my career. I don’t want to marry you. “I don’t want to disappoint him, Wonwoo.” It’s the ultimate truth. It’s what has fueled you for years- the desire to become that child for your parents who would take care of them when they need you, to love silently and support unconditionally, to give back everything they’d given to you. 
“I don’t want to lose him.”
“Is this what you were so worried about?” You look up at him, and he tilts your face upwards with his hand on your chin. You want to lean into the warmth of his palm. “Yes. I don’t… I … I don’t know what to do. I feel so helpless.”
“What about treatment?”
“Stage 4, practically impossible, that’s what the reports say. My mom showed them to me. She cried so much, and I… I couldn’t do anything. I can’t do anything.” You move away from him, turning your body to the other side. He lets you move away.
“Treatment abroad? In the US?”
“Yes, that’s… that’s what I’ve been trying to figure out. I’ve spoken to a few people, but Appa is adamant. He refuses to talk to me about this every time I’ve raised it, these last few days.”
He sighs. Your heart aches again. You don’t even notice when tears begin rolling down your cheeks. You’ve never felt more alone than this, more helpless, more pitiful. What worth were your dreams and successes if life successfully left you unshielded in one stroke?
“Let’s get married. You’ll have more bargaining power to talk to him then.”
He makes it sound so simple. You’ve thought of this a hundred times before, and you still can’t register that he just said that. You turn around slowly, looking up at him through your wet eyelashes. “Don’t joke with me.”
“I’m not.”
“But I don’t want to marry you.”
“Even if it gets your Appa into a good treatment abroad?”
You stomp your foot, and hurt your bare toes on the cold tile. “Why is my Appa so stubborn?”
“Just like you, isn’t he?”
You glare at Wonwoo, but he’s deadly serious. There’s not a hint of a joke on his face, and he genuinely seems to be invested in this idea. “You’re serious.” “I am. I wouldn’t offer marriage to you casually.” You bite your lip, your heart rate begins to slow down. Wave after wave of calm washes over you, suddenly you can breathe well again. “You’re serious,” you say again, not believing it still. “I am. Do you want me to go down on my knees?” “Wonwoo, you’re not thinking about this. Don’t turn your back on me when you regret it later. This isn’t a light thing, it’s a marriage, for fuck’s sake!” “Is your Appa’s life more precious than your ego?” “If it weren’t, I wouldn’t have come begging to you, would I?” “Then you know why I’m agreeing to this.” “Wonwoo, don’t take this on your conscience. I’ll forgive you if you step back right now.” “I won’t forgive myself.” He bends down to your eye level, and takes your chin in his hand again. “It isn’t going to be that bad, is it?”
You let out such a big sigh of relief that you’re sure the air tickles Wonwoo’s palm holding on to your chin. 
_
You don’t fall asleep that night, or rather morning. Wonwoo makes tea, and you sit on the living room couch, an arm’s distance away from each other, chalking out a plan to convince your Appa to go abroad for treatment.
“When did your mother come and tell you all this?”
“The day after the lunch. She called me over.”
You’re our breadwinner now, Y/N. Your father didn’t want to tell you because he doesn’t want to bother you anymore. Your mother’s words echo in your mind. Is this what you’d come down to? Were you that male who couldn’t be bothered with any problems of the household just because you earned an income? Had you become those slimy men you’d hated all your life? Just because you had taken over the company didn’t mean you had stopped being their daughter, for god’s sake. 
“He wants to die in Korea, he says.”
“That doesn’t mean we let him die without treatment.”
We. Wonwoo has started using it so freely, as if he’s truly considering you an ally like he had said before. 
“What are you going to get out of this?” You perch yourself on the kitchen counter, your bare legs dangling next to where Wonwoo sits on his stool. You’re chewing on the granola bar you found in the fridge because you’re suddenly hungry.
Wonwoo looks at you for a second, pensive and thoughtful in the pause before replying. “We don’t have to do forever and always. We can divorce after the treatment is done.” 
“You didn’t answer my question.”
“I have my reasons.”
The sunrise is beautiful, another day has begun. Although one tornado in your heart has calmed down, it doesn’t mean you’re completely at peace though. You’re still burning with worry, there are a thousand questions floating in your head. You don’t know the answers to most of them, and you’re scared just like you had been when you had stepped into the adult world on your own footing, for the first time. But unconsciously, you’ve come to realise that you’re not alone this time.
You have Jeon Wonwoo with you.
_
You drive directly to your sister’s house to tell her about your decision. You realise that she has no idea that your mother has spilled the news about your father’s health to you, when you tell her that you’re only agreeing to this marriage on one condition. She tries to deny it at first, but then she realises it’s a useless task against your obstinacy. 
“If you could admit now that you were dating Wonwoo, why didn’t you admit it that day?” she says finally, resignedly. 
“So that you could hide Appa’s illness from me forever?
“It’s nothing like that.”
“Firstly, tell me why you’d been stalking me for so long.”
“Not for so long. Ever since Appa found out, he became obsessed with settling you down. It’s become his last wish, you know, that kind of thing. His last project. His last duty. His last task to complete before he… you know. It was just a happy coincidence that as soon as we prodded your chauffeur he spilled that you and Wonwoo had been spending an awful lot of time together.”
You scoff. 
“Yeah, well, Wonwoo and I needed to talk over things. Commitment and stuff. Anyway, now we’ll give Appa what he wants. Promise me you won’t object to anything I say. Promise me you and Mom will back me up when I take him to the US for treatment.”
Her eyes soften down, tears brimming on the edge.
“He always loved you more, you know? Probably because you’re exactly like him.” “Unnie…” “No! I’m not jealous or anything. It’s natural to have a favourite child. He’s only human, after all. He found his ideal child in you- responsible and independent. He really sees himself in you, that’s why.” 
You hug your sister from the side, as you sit down on the couch. Her belly is quite bulging now, stretched against the fabric of the loose lycra dress.
“If anyone can convince him, it’s you, Y/N-ah. Our maknae. The apple of his eye.” She smiles. There’s something so broken in her eyes, and you hate it. Your Unnie, who you’ve never seen sad. You wonder how much she’s had to hide from you to keep this news a secret. You wonder how long they’d planned to keep it a secret, anyway. 
“Do you trust me, Unnie?”
She kisses your forehead, and smiles again, “Yes of course. Where’s this coming from?”
“It’s just… nothing. I just want to know I’m not alone.”
“You never were, sweetheart.”
_
After that, everything becomes a whirlwind. You barely have time to process things, how fast they happen. Wonwoo informs his parents, there’s another meal shared by the two families. You both still don’t tell anyone the truth about your relationship, and frankly, there’s no need to explain, when both families are so happy with the wedding. Especially your father. His eyes shine, and you stick by his side all evening. 
“My little girl’s all grown up now.” He says to you later. You almost cry at the fondness of his words, affection he rarely shows. There’s no more words spoken. There’s no need for words. You tuck him into bed, and pat him to sleep. You don’t want to leave his side at all.
_
You don’t cross paths with Wonwoo for the week running up to the wedding. There’s a clear division of work- he’s handling the internal logistics, and you’re running the external front. This is nothing but a business project for the two of you. You’ve pushed the worries about the marriage to the back burner, your priority being your father right now. You’ve already booked a treatment plan for him in the US, booked his flight tickets, and sorted everything out. Of course, you haven’t approached the topic with him yet, but you drop hints every day. 
You’ve decided to live with your parents until the wedding. You find it harder to stay away from them these days. Somehow, everything reminds you of them, and you’re brought to tears in the middle of a work meeting one day, when you remember how your father had brought you to the first stakeholder meeting when you were 16 years old, to introduce you to the world of business. You don’t want to leave life upto fate anymore. At least not the bits you can help. 
Part of managing the external front is speaking to the media. There’s countless questions at your latest press conference. Although the conference is to launch a new product, the journalists seem to be more interested in hearing the truth about the rumours currently floating around. You’d expected this, that’s why you’d timed the release of the rumours and the launch of the product at the same time. The public opinion needs to be in favour of your marriage, otherwise the alliance would hurt you both. 
“Y/L/N Y/N-ssi, is it true that you’re soon getting married to Jeon Wonwoo-ssi of Jeon Estates?” 
You blush, again a carefully practised move. You’ve spent many a minute in front of a youtube screen last night, trying to perfect the fake blush.
“Are we really going to discuss personal matters at an official conference like this?” Another measured smile, followed by a general laugh rippling across the audience for the sake of being polite. “But yes, it’s true. I won’t try to hide it anymore.”
At that very moment, a thousand questions pop up from all corners. “Anymore? Y/L/N Y/N-ssi, does that mean that you’ve been together for a long time now?” “Can we expect a merger of Jeon Estates with your company, then?” “Is the marriage a business decision or an affair of love?”
You’re another fake smile away from throwing up right now. Their curiosity gets on your nerves, you know that no matter what you say, they’re going to interpret what they really want to. Thankfully Jisung, who is moderating, carefully steps in and stops the journalists from asking any more questions. “We’ll not be taking any more personal questions. With that we come to the end of the conference. If you have any more questions, please write to us and we shall answer them over mail. Thank you for attending today.”
You exit the conference hall quickly, eyes hurting from the flashlights. It’s going to only get worse, you think. Time to brace for impact.
_
It’s only the night before the wedding that you get the jitters. You’re sitting on the floor of the balcony, looking at the roads of the Seoul night view, stress-eating cotton candy. You can’t believe that this is happening. Would you ever be able to have guessed this is how you’d be getting married? Not that you had ever harboured any ambitions about love or marriage. You’d been happy to see your parents share a loving marriage, and your sister as well. But since a young age, you’d decided that marriage was not for you. Sex? That was necessary. Dating? Perhaps, but casual. Love? Your first relationship in college had convinced you it was not your forte- you’d fallen out of feelings after a few months, and you had never tried to fall in love again. Marriage? Not even on the cards right now. Kids? Probably never. You didn’t think you’d live that long. 
And yet, your wedding invite was sitting idle on your lap. Printed on beautiful handmade paper, intrinsically engraved with orchid petals, and the fonts printed out in a loopy serif font, it was really pretty. Posh and classy, like everybody expected. It had been sent out to a few people only, Wonwoo had asked for a small wedding, and you had happily agreed. Having to deceive your parents and sister was bad enough. Lesser the better. 
The doorbell rings. You’re taken by surprise, not expecting anyone at this hour. Probably Jisung, perhaps he’s come to drop something off. That boy’s working too hard as well, you need to give him a raise after this entire affair is finished. 
But it’s Wonwoo. 
“Are you busy?” He asks before even entering. 
“No?”
“Can I come in?”
He looks over your figure, the long t-shirt you’re wearing with the shorts that are hidden under the t-shirt. You’re getting more confused by the moment. You open the door wider, and he steps in. 
“What’s going on?”
“There are details we need to talk about.”
You take a deep breath, leaning against the wall. Since that conversation at dawn with Wonwoo, you had started guarding yourself against him. Something had changed in your mind- you’d feel more vulnerable next to him, more bared, more naked. Even if he didn’t look at you, you’d feel like you could read your mind all the time. 
“Like what?”
“I made a contract. It’s a… guidebook of sorts.” He sits at the sofa, taking out his phone and placing it on your coffee table. He’s wearing his work clothes, so you’re guessing he’s come directly from work. “What’s it about?” You sit next to him, and he pushes your phone towards you. “Do you have a printer? We could print it out. Or you can-” “I’ll get a print. Do you want something?” He leans back on the sofa, but his posture is still stiff. You’ve not seen him like this. It’s almost like he’s nervous. “No. I need to leave quickly, so it’s best if you can go through this quickly. I don’t have time to waste.” You roll your eyes and stand up, keeping your knee perched on the sofa, terribly close to where his hand is. “What’s this attitude? We’re getting married tomorrow, and this is how you’re going to be?” “Well, what did you expect? Just because I agreed to marry and help you out, doesn’t mean I’m going to suddenly be in love with you.” “Help me out? I didn’t fucking need your help, Wonwoo!” “Really? Your desperation told me something else that night.” He’s standing up now too, and it feels like he’s towering over you on purpose to make you feel small. You take a step back, he doesn’t move forward. It’s not push and pull, it’s gravity unwinding. 
“Listen, we can still call this off. I don’t want to be an object of your pity.”
“Pity? I wanted to help you, Y/N. There’s a difference, or is your brain too ego-clouded to understand?”
“Wonwoo, I could marry anyone-”
“And yet, it was me you came to!”
“It was convenient! I couldn’t really marry … say, Jisung, when my parents had proof that we’d been sleeping together!”
“Oh, so it’s Jisung now-”
“It was a damn example!” You’re shouting now, but his voice is still low and hoarse. It creates goosebumps on your skin. 
“If that’s who you want to marry, you can go ahead. You better know that I have no desire to be wedded to you tomorrow!” He takes a step forward, and you step back. “What do you think I am, huh? Your toy? Today you want to fuck, tomorrow you want to end things, the next day you come begging at my door to blow your mind with my dick, and the day after that you want to get fucking married? You don’t think keeping up with your plot twists are stressful for me? Do you think I’m getting off on your mood swings? I am helping you, because you’re in a dire situation. Don’t you dare spin this narrative to anything else, because it is not charity or love for you that’s motivating me to step into this hell of a marriage that I can see coming.” 
With every word he utters, he steps closer and closer, and you keep walking back until your back hits the wall. And then he’s standing right in front of you, close enough that you can see the exact dilation of his pupils even beyond his glasses. “I don’t need your help, Wonwoo. I’m not a damsel in distress.” He closes his eyes for a second, breathing in. When his eyes do open again, they’re different- darker, yet with more clarity, less angry and yet more dangerous. He leans down, and for a second, for a delusional mindless moment, you think he’s going to kiss you. You part your lips, waiting for impact, as he tilts his head ever so slightly, all while staring into your soul.
“I don’t give a fuck about you, Y/N. I don’t care. I’m just repaying an old debt.”
Then he steps back and picks up his phone from the coffee table. “I’ll mail it to you. Don’t be a brat and make sure to read it.”
You’re still stuck against the wall like an insect, too stunned to move. Before he walks out of the door, he says without looking at you, “See you tomorrow, sweetheart.” 
_
The wedding dress is simple, nothing in frills. You see it for the first time when you wear it on the morning of your wedding. As you sit in your dressing room, revising your vows, your sister enters. She’s all but jumping in excitement. “Darling, why so serious?” She grabs your hands and smiles widely at you. “Today’s your big day! Don’t think about Appa’s sickness today, or work stuff, or anything at all. Your wedding day isn’t going to come back, so you make sure to make the most of it!” You wish you could laugh at her face, her words seeming ridiculous to you. You wish she wasn’t so excited, it would only save her the disappointment she’d have to face later. 
So you force a smile. “Is it time? I’m just nervous. What if I forget my vows?” “Then you forget them. You love Wonwoo, Y/N-ie. You can just declare your love freely. You don’t need to stick to a script. Go ahead and curse him if you like!” You do laugh at this, and she joins you too. “There! That’s my girl. Honestly, discovering that you and Wonwoo… together… it was a shock for us. Like, we’d never thought of you both ever liking each other. But then, it made sense. Especially what he had said that night, I remember. That’s the moment I knew, something was definitely up” You gawk, “What night?” She giggles, “That night at the party. You know? Don’t act dumb, cutie.” She wriggles her eyebrows and it dawns on you what exactly she was referring to. Fuck. Of course she had heard, fuck Wonwoo for being so damn loud. 
You got out of your head, when someone called you to the hall, telling you that it’s time. You slowly make your way out of your dressing room, making sure your dress doesn’t get spoiled. Your father waits outside the room, dressed elegantly. 
“Are you ready?”
There’s an odd peace in his eyes, as he smiles at you with pride. 
Fuck it. Thank god you’re getting married early. Otherwise who’d walk you down the aisle… if you got too late?
“Yes, Appa.” You smile back, and loop your arm through his outstretched arm. 
_
The gates of the hall open up, revealing a beautifully decorated banquet, with an announcer standing in the centre, to conduct the ceremony. All the guests turn to look at you, dressed to their nines. But you’ve got eyes on only one person in the room. 
For the first time in your life, you think Wonwoo looks beautiful. Attraction based on looks was barely something you experienced with him, but today you realise why people fell for him like dominos. He looks absolutely regal in his tuxedo- simple, yet that’s what suits him perfectly. You think, you’ve never seen Wonwoo wear anything excessive, always minimalistic, and really he looks best like that. Because he doesn’t need any accessories, his face does enough. 
“Go, sweetheart,” your father leaves you midway the walkway, and you realise you have to walk the rest of the way on your own. You bow a little to Appa, and then look up front again. Your eyes meet Wonwoo’s and your heart races. He looks too pretty to be real, and yet you find yourself walking towards him. The entire audience erupts into applause when Wonwoo takes a few steps forward and extends his hand. You take it, and he accompanies you to your place, dropping your hand only after a slight peck pressed on the back of your hand. The crowd erupts in cheers again, and for the first time in your life, you blush genuinely. 
You stand facing the announcer, not daring to look at the man next to you. You have enough time to look at him anyway. 
_
The rest of the wedding ceremony went off peacefully. After reciting your vows perfectly, hand in Wonwoo’s hand, avoiding his eye contact desperately, and exchanging the rings, the announcer asked you to kiss. Well, that was easy. He didn’t use tongue, thankfully, otherwise you would’ve moaned in public. Even the drinks and dinner arrangement afterwards was easy. Smiling and small talk came like free flow to you after so many years. 
The hard part comes later, when you both sit in your designated limousine, exhausted after the long ceremonies of the day. Your feet hurt in the heels, and using the washroom had been a pain in the dress, so you’d desperately held on to your bladder. You’re counting down the minutes to going home, and all you want is peace.
But Wonwoo, like so many other things, is not on the same page as you. 
“Where are we going?” You ask, noticing that the car’s heading in the opposite direction as your house.
“To my house.”
“Wait, what?”
He looks up from his phone. “Didn’t you read the guide?” 
“Wonwoo, I’m not jobless, you know.”
“I fucking knew it. Right, you’re too busy being a brat.” He mutters under his breath, before opening a can of a fizzy drink from the mini cooler inside the car, and looking outside the window. 
“I haven’t even packed my stuff, Wonwoo. I can shift in once I’ve got my stuff ready.”
“You don’t know how many eyes are following us? What will the media think if we get off at different apartments tonight? It was hard enough stopping my parents from booking us a honeymoon suite.” 
You sigh. He’s right. But he doesn’t stop talking.
“You’ve got time now, read the guidebook.”
“Just tell me what’s in it, Wonwoo. Stop making such a fuss about it. Also what the fuck is a guidebook without my suggestions.”
“If you’d read it, you would have made suggestions, darling. I wasted my time going to your place last night. Anyway, if you need anything urgently from your apartment, I’ll send my secretary to fetch it for you.”
“No thanks. I don’t need anything.”
Thank god you’re familiar with Wonwoo’s apartment, because you immediately lock yourself in the bedroom and take off your dress. Once it’s off, you unlock the room, and find an exasperated Wonwoo standing outside. “Woman, why are you monopolising territory already?”
“Just go change in the guest room, Wonwoo.” You push past him, dressed in underwear, carrying your heavy dress and laying it across the living room sofa to avoid creases from forming. Then you head straight into the bathroom to clean your makeup and take a shower. 30 minutes later you emerge, and Wonwoo’s nowhere to be seen. 
After a few minutes you find him on the small personal rooftop that extends from his apartment through a small flight of stairs. You’d never gone to the roof, but now you see it has a nice bench on it, and is surrounded by lights. 
Wonwoo’s smoking. 
“I didn’t know you smoked.”
“I didn’t know you were going to hoard my space as soon as you entered my house.”
He doesn’t look at you, still gazing out at the Seoul skyline. 
“You could’ve used the other one.”
“You could’ve used the other one.”
You breathe in once, and then speak again. 
“I’m going to bed. I’m really tired.”
“Wait.” He finally turns around, and you can see his hair is completely messed up and his eyebags are visible under his glasses again. 
“Did you take my clothes?”
“Just a pajama shirt.”
He nods, seeing what you’re wearing. The cool breeze makes your skin tingle, almost making you regret taking off your bra and wearing only panties under the shirt. 
“Goodnight.”
“You’re not coming along?”
He turns away again. Well, fuck it. It’s not like you’re going to butter him up for a response. And yet when you go downstairs again, you make sure to sleep on the left side of the bed, like you’d always done whenever you’d slept together before. You don’t know why you do it, but you go to sleep assuming he’ll eventually come to bed.
_
He doesn’t. The next morning, you wake up to see the other side of the bed absolutely empty and untouched. He’s even taken away his pillow and blanket and you suddenly find yourself shivering. When you’re awake enough, you squint at the clock on the wall and figure out that it’s almost eleven in the morning. Quite late for someone like you. But then, it has been an exhausting day. 
Did Wonwoo not sleep at all?
You put these thoughts away when you stumble into the washroom, nearly slipping because your step is unbalanced. But that minor shock completely jerks you awake at least. 
Once you’ve brushed your teeth (without even realising how your toothbrush had magically appeared in Wonwoo’s bathroom even though you hadn’t packed and brought a thing), you walk out of the room. Again, there’s no sign of Wonwoo. The house is humid, from no windows being open, so you gently open up a few sources of ventilation. As the noise from the outside world begins to float into the house, the silence gets broken and you feel less claustrophobic. Sunshine falls on the simple upholstery and decorations of the house, and it makes everything shine. It’s a hot day, but at least it’s a sunny day. You hate gloomy days. 
You quickly search for Wonwoo in every room. And you eventually notice that the bed in the guest room seems to have been slept in last night. Was that where Wonwoo had slept last night? 
It didn’t make sense. It’s not like you two had not shared a bed earlier. Sure, Wonwoo had never stayed in the same bed with you for longer than an hour after the sex, unless it was a marathon until the morning, and you rarely ever woke up next to his warm body, but it seemed absurd that he’s treating you like a complete stranger. It’s not like the movies, for fucks’ sake. You’re familiar with each other, even if you’re not in love. And sharing a bed isn’t a big deal. 
Exactly Y/N. So why are you making it such a big deal?
There’s a printout of something on the coffee table. You head over and see that it is the ‘guidebook’ he’s kept blabbering about. Why is he insisting that you read it? You have an impulse to go and dump it in the dustbin and push his limits a little further, but then you have pity on him. But it’s not like you wanted to stay with him either. He’s the one who made you come and live with him. So technically, you shouldn’t feel any remorse or pity. So you do dump the prints in the dustbin without a second look at it. 
That’s when you hear your phone ring. “Hello, I’m speaking from ABC Packages. We’re here to shift your packages from your old house to your new residence. We’re waiting outside the door, are you at home?” Huh? “I’m sorry, who asked you to do this? Do you have a name?” “Yes Ms. Y/L/N. The order came from a Jeon Wonwoo-ssi.” No wonder. “Aaah. Okay, just wanted to confirm,” you quickly say to avoid any suspicion. “Yes I’m home. I’ll open the door.” 
And so the next hour is spent in a flurry of bringing in boxes, and when the delivery persons leave, you open them all. There seems to be enough space in Wonwoo’s walk-in closet for your stuff, which isn’t much at all. So you hang up all your formals, which form the majority of your clothing, and stash the rest of it in the shelves. Your shoes are also lesser than Wonwoo’s and you barely have any accessories and makeup apart from essentials. The problem arises with your underwear and … other personal belongings. You’re not sure if Wonwoo would appreciate opening his underwear drawer to find your box of dildos stashed there. But there’s no other space, so he’ll just have to deal with it. 
Thank God you’d taken the day off. Jisung had offered that staying away from work would make the impression of the honeymoon more imminent, and you’d agreed. Although it does seem like Wonwoo had gone to work all the same. And so, you’re left all alone in the house, and while it’s a little odd, you sit at almost every surface of the apartment to get used to it. Sure, you’ve been sat at all of these before, in various positions, as Wonwoo had fucked you, but it feels different now under the sunlight. You’re not surprised to find Wonwoo’s fridge stocked almost completely with ample groceries, so making lunch isn’t a hassle (apart from the fact that you barely know how to cook anything). But all-in-all, it’s not a tedious day, and you’re settling in nicely. 
Until Wonwoo comes home, blazer on his arm and his hair messy. He lets himself in, but you’re sitting on the kitchen counter, checking out what’s kept where. “Oh, you’re here.” You turn around and see him flunking down on the sofa, legs sprawled out. “Are you that tired?” He doesn’t answer at first, just stares at you for a second too long. “I am. It’s been a long day.” “I’m making coffee, do y-” “No. I’m going to the gym now.”
Gym takes longer than you imagine. It’s well past 10 pm when Wonwoo makes his way back, and you’ve already finished your dinner of cup ramen and ice cream. He doesn’t bother to look at you and wordlessly enters the guest bathroom. You consider entering the guest room and waiting for him, and then talking to him about why he slept separately, but then you drop it. You know he won’t answer you properly, and it’ll be a waste of effort. You sigh and make your way to the bedroom, leaving the door unlocked and slightly ajar so that he knows he’s still invited inside.
_
Wonwoo and you arrive last at the little gathering your family has set up to celebrate the one month anniversary of your marriage. Wonwoo’s family is here too, along with Kyungmin Oppa and your sister, and it’s a big group even for the large sprawling, and largely empty house, where you parents reside. You’d think it’s easy to get lost in the crowd, but not when you’re the newly wed couple who’s the focus of the party. 
“I’m so disappointed y’all aren’t going on a honeymoon,” your sister endlessly complains, and she’s completely backed by the two mothers. “Yes!” Your mother joins in. Just like the rest of the family members, she seems to have bought your wedding as 100% real as well, although she should’ve been the first to connect the dots that you’re only doing this sham wedding for the sake of your father’s wishes. “I have itineraries planned for Bali, for Scandinavia, for the Maldives, or even for Japan, if you don’t want to go too far!” She giggles, and the other ladies do too. You don’t understand what’s so funny. Especially when you know how little conversation you’ve shared with your husband over the last month, in spite of not being strangers. 
In fact that makes it worse, you think. Wonwoo’s wearing a dark blue blazer over a white shirt which puts his pecs right in your face. You know what it’d be like to touch them, and bite all over them. The way he has his left hand pressed against the small of your back means he knows what it’d be like to just drop his hand an inch lower and feel your ass against his palm. Andit is worse because even though you know each other intimately, there’s so little emotional connection you feel with him now. Whatever vulnerability had developed around him when he’d first agreed to the wedding had become hardened again under his cold attitude, and you’re back to just who you were when you’d grinded up against him at your sister’s engagement party. You curse yourself for thinking that you could ever feel a nice way about Jeon Wonwoo, because honestly, look at the man. He’s probably never regretted any decision taken after midnight as much as he’s regretted the decision to marry you. 
When you sit down at the dinner table, you notice him not eating any of the seafood. You wonder if he’s just not hungry or rudely ignoring the special grilled fish that is your Appa’s speciality. It’s probably the latter- some testosterone shit. And yet, he’s speaking charmingly smoothly with your Appa, even though Wonwoo’s not much of a talker and you know that. 
When he sits in the corner of the room, smiling and talking to your mother, you wonder what lies he’s spewing. You’ve noticed how easily lies come to him at the wedding itself, when he’d spinned tale upon tale about your ‘love story’. I fell for her, honestly, for the first time, when she’d walked into my class in ninth grade. You had scoffed, remembering the disgusted expression he had worn in reality, when he’d seen you being introduced into the class. Of course, we’ve known each other for a long time now. Naturally, there have been ups and downs. Gosh, this reminds me of the time we’d gone on that date to the amusement park after our last day at school, huh? We’d fought so bitterly after that, you’d think we were enemies. Haha. You’d nearly laughed at that- your school had taken you all out to the amusement park on the last day of classes, and somehow Wonwoo and you’d been seated together on all the damn rides. Fuck him for laughing at you for becoming scared on the roller coaster rides and then pretending to take care of you when you had passed out in his arms at the very peak of the ride. You bet the teachers had cooed at him for being so chivalrous, when in reality it was a smack to your face. 
When he leaves early, and leans in to press a kiss to your lips, you almost cringe away. It feels like you’re kissing a stranger even though his lips and the stubble on his jaw feel so familiar. This is the first time he’s shown you affection in front of others. It’s all a show, you know. You gotta do what’s needed to keep the show running.  “I’ll see you at home, sweetheart,” he says before pulling away and tucking your hair behind your ears. You search in his eyes for honesty, and all you find is a dark abyss. 
_
But it seems like your family buys the facade again. Banking on the fact that they seem pleased with your husband, and on your good choice of marriage, you finally broach the real issue with your father. You’re both sitting at the patio, sipping whisky after everyone’s left and the two of you have some peace after a long day of chattering and feasting.
“Appa, there’s something I want to talk to you about.”
“Yes, Y/N-ah?”
You pause before answering. Finally, you decide to take the blunt route, knowing that there’s no easy way about this. 
“Come with me to the US for your treatment.”
He sighs. It’s a sigh that sounds almost like a cough, and it makes you wonder how much phlegm is stored in his damaged lungs now. You wonder how you didn’t notice it before.
“Who told you?”
“Eomma.”
“Of course she did.” He sighs again, and looks at you. “Are you asking me or commanding me?” 
“Appa, I’m not your boss. I can’t command you.”
“But you’re my daughter. I know how children feel when they think their parents aren’t listening to them.”
You smile. “I’ve always been stubborn, you know. I’ve got it in my genes.”
“Genes I’m proud of. How much has your mother told you? Did she mention I’m in stage 4 and it’s practically incurable?”
“Yes, and no. There are still chances to cure it, Appa, if only you’ll listen to me.”
“Sweetie-”
“Why aren’t you giving this another chance? I didn’t know you to be a person who easily gives up!” You can feel yourself getting angry, tears pooling in your eyes. It’s stupid how he’s arguing against it, illogical, meaningless. Your heart breaks every time you look at his eyes- they’re old, wrinkled, and yet the fire hasn’t gone out. Does he really want to end it all this fast?
“You know, I get where you’re coming from. But… I don't want to prolong suffering, Y/N-ah. It’s time, I can feel it. There’s no point being a vegetable pushed about in a wheelchair and drinking soup for the rest of my life. There’s no point living if I have to just gobble medicines all day and not drink any more port wine. There’s no point living a life which isn’t even a life, it’s just a laboratory experiment.”
You do burst out crying at this. You want to throttle his neck, and shake him, and ask how could he say such things. 
“Aaah, Y/N-ah! Don’t cry-”
“You’re making me cry, Appa! You didn’t even tell me! Were you just planning to sit on it till it’s too late?”
“It is never too late, Y/N-ah. Appa is always here with you, even if I can’t be here physically.”
The tears don’t stop, he pulls you closer, until you’re wailing on his shoulder, and he hugs you with one arm. 
“It’s not fair,” you mumble in between tears, hiccups interspersed in your words. Then he only rubs your back and you gently quieten down. “I don’t care, Appa. Come to the US with me. I’ve spoken to doctors, they’ve said there are chances to improve.” He smiles wistfully, looking at your face, which is childishly covered in snot and wet tears.
“Appa, you have to promise me you’ll try. For me, please. I’m not ready for this.”
“It will be a waste of time and effort. I would rather you pay attention to your career. And also your marriage.” “There’s not much to pay attention to. Wonwoo and I are busy almost all the time,” you try to dismiss him. “But you are young, and in love. I should believe there’s nothing other than your love life you should pay more attention to.” You sigh. It’s sad, just how well you and Wonwoo have deceived them all, even your most observant father. You wonder how it is possible, given how distant the two of you are- emotionally, always, and physically, recently. “There is something called urgency, Appa. There’s an order to how things need to be done.” 
There’s a few long minutes of silence. Your father finishes the drink in his glass and looks at the stars in the sky. You, for one moment, are sure he’ll put up another fight. “You’ve never asked me anything with so much insistence, Y/N-ah.” “You’ve not hidden anything from me before, either.” There’s another pause. The waiting is tiring, and you’re going to cry again. 
“Alright. I’ll do it, Y/N. But on one condition.” You hang on to his words, waiting for him to continue. “One chance. I’m not going back again if there is a relapse. I will not push my fate to a sour ending. You go back to your life, where I want to see you happy. And I will let nature take its due course.” You dare to smile, too afraid he’s going to take back his words. But then he smiles back, and beckons you to lie down on his lap, as he begins talking about something new he;s recently read, and you’re grateful for the distraction. 
That night when you go home, you find Wonwoo playing in his gaming room. It’s a small room, probably meant to be a spare bedroom, or a kid’s bedroom, but he has an elaborate gaming setup there, and he locks himself up in it every weekend. Sometimes you wonder if he’s dead, but then you hear his cocky, hushed whispers of victory when you lean on the door. He’s always been good at games. 
Today the door is slightly open, and you think for a deluded moment, that he perhaps left it open so that he could hear you enter the house. So you lightly knock and he turns around in his gaming chair. You realise he’s wearing a tank top, his hair hidden under a hideous beanie, and for a second, he doesn’t look like the brooding adult you’re married to. 
“I spoke to Appa tonight.”
He looks up at you and takes off his headphones. He nods once, understanding immediately.
“I’m leaving for New York tomorrow, and I don’t want to delay the appointment.” 
He stares at you for a second, then replies, “When is your flight?” 
“Afternoon.”
“And how long are you going to be away?”
“I don’t know. Perhaps a month, perhaps longer. I don’t want to leave until it’s all done. I want to see it to the end.”
He nods again, standing up from his chair. The screen flashes something about the game being paused, and his character awkwardly bounces about in the game field. The character has black hair and wears glasses like Wonwoo. 
“Pack enough, then. I’ll be here when you come back.”
You nod, and he smiles. This is why you got married in the first place, afterall. You bet he’s glad to get the wheels moving as quickly as possible so that this farce can come down before he’s so tired of it that your mere sight repels you.
_
The next three months pass by like a whirlwind, a miracle from heaven. Because not only are the doctors extremely positive about your father’s condition, but also hopeful for complete treatment. A part of you is too wary of everything going too great, too good to be true, and you’re crying every night when you lie sleepless in your hotel bed. There’s not a single second you’re free from anxiety, and there’s literally nothing else in your mind except praying that every minute of the treatment goes well. You’ve never been so nervous, except when you’d been in college and getting your papers approved by your professors and they’d laughed straight up in your face at your ambitiousness. You get periodic calls from your colleagues, the managers and Jisung, most often. But if there’s a perk of being a CEO, it’s that your employees know when to respect your personal space, unless there’s an absolute emergency. Relatives call you, your sister calls you ever so often. You hope she doesn’t go into labour with your father still stuck on the hospital bed, but it’s only a small part of her worries, you’re sure. So you assure her about everything being alright and encourage to focus on her pregnancy being perfectly smooth, although Kyungmin Oppa tells you that her mood swings are more distinct now with more things to worry about. The baby kicks for the first time, and you wish you could be there. You don’t want to miss a lot of firsts, but it’s a small tradeoff you don’t mind making. 
There’s only one person who doesn’t call you, Wonwoo. He probably knows that you don’t want to be disturbed, but sometimes you have thoughts. Thoughts about how different your life was just a few months ago. Thoughts about how your marriage is due to be annulled as soon as this business ends. Thoughts about whether you should have let Wonwoo ever into your life. Thoughts about how he feels about this entire thing. You know how he’d said he had just wanted to help you, but was it a moment of pity or a calculated decision? Was he actually humane enough to want to do this? You’re unsure, just like you’re unsure about how much you even know him. Sure, you’ve known him for your entire damn life, but not really. 
Firstly, there’s the matter of the wedding. The fact that Wonwoo didn’t actually need to be roped in to convince your dad is a surprising issue. You hadn’t expected Appa to be so pliant to your words and your tears, when he had supposedly protested so much in front of Unnie and Eomma. Well, there perhaps was something called a favourite child. Secondly, there’s the concern of what happens now. It’s already been four months since your wedding, and it’s almost mid-December now. You’re 100% sure that Wonwoo will not be interested to drag on this farce for longer than necessary, so you mentally take notes to draft up divorce letters and take them to him as soon as you return to Seoul. Your PR team’s done a fairly good job in hiding the fact that you and Wonwoo have barely spent any time together since the wedding. So it’s not going to take much to silence the media if they raise eyebrows at such a quick divorce. Family will be easy to convince, as well. We just don’t have enough time for a full-on relationship now. We’re focused on our careers, that’s where our priorities lie. Honestly, this was why we were so hesitant about marriage in the first place. See, we told you, we weren't made for this relationship business. If only you hadn’t practically stalked us into it, we wouldn’t have to disappoint you all like this. 
And what happens after that? 
Do you remain exes who smile at each other at social gatherings? Do you remain fuckbuddies, forgetting about your trash past altogether? Do you become strangers who don’t even bother to remember birthdays? 
You’re feeling dizzy, so you pass out on the couch in your hotel room. 
_
It’s New Years’ Eve when you return to Seoul, and nobody can stop the smile on your face from breaking out every three seconds. Your father’s body may still be weak from chemotherapy, and he may have to visit the hospital every other week to get follow-ups on his treatment, but he’s alive and the spark in his eyes haven’t been snuffed out. There’s hope, infinite hope, and you feel whole again. There’s incredible joy blooming in your heart, even if all the trees are barren and all the world is grey. The doctors say that it is a godsent gift, and there can be a relapse, but the chances are low enough to be confident that there’s going to be at least five more years of happy life for your father. For someone who was praying for five more minutes, it’s a harvest too bountiful, and you feel like a person born again. 
The happiness lasts the entire journey back home, back into the wide waiting arms of your mother who had never gone to the US because she was too scared of being there. You can see how the stress has taken a toll on her, as her figure seems frailer than before, and there’s no longer than glow radiating off her face. And yet, this gift is more than she, or you could ever have asked for, so you take what you can get. Your father’s organs haven’t failed yet, and he can eat better things than soup, so your mother’s cooked specially for him, although she hasn’t entered the kitchen in years. It’s softly cooked galbi and prawn pajeon, and he devours the meal after months of hospital food. You stay the night at your parent’s home, as your sister comes over along with her husband. It’s a great family reunion, and you feel like you could die in this happiness.
Except reality strikes when you wake up the next morning and realise that you should go to your actual home now. You wonder if he’s going to be at home or not, given that it’s the New Year and he may have plans with others. 
But there he is, as you let yourself in through the main door, and he locks eyes with you sitting on the couch, wearing shorts and no shirt, his hair quite wet. Apart from the fact that this is the first time you’ve seen him wear shorts, nothing’s changed. He’s still exactly the same. It’s cold outside, and the journey here has frozen your limbs, but the house is warm as fuck, just how Wonwoo’s always liked it. 
You can’t stop yourself. You don’t stop yourself when you run halfway across the living room and hug him without waiting for him to say anything. 
To his credit, he doesn’t say anything. He simply hugs you back. His body is so warm in spite of being shirtless, and you can smell the fresh soap clinging to his body. He rubs one hand on your spine and for a second you feel tears threatening to flow down your face. Did you miss him?
“How’s your father?” 
“Much better. There is hope.”
You can feel his hands moving more insistently on your back, stretching through all your muscles. It feels comforting in a way you’ve never received from Wonwoo. He doesn’t ask anything else, and you don’t mind. 
“Welcome home, Y/N.”
_
You’re bent over on the floor, unpacking your suitcase in your own room when he casually saunters into his walk-in and you don’t pay heed. It’s only when he walks out wearing a black leather jacket, a turtleneck, a light gold chain dangling on his neck, and fancy sunglasses perched on his nose that you turn around to look at him. You’re shocked at seeing him like this- you realise you haven’t seen him in casuals in so long. You haven’t seen him in so long. 
“You’re going out?”
“Yeah, it is the New Year. I have a party with my friends.”
You’re too busy ogling him, so he asks, “Don’t you have plans?” 
“Yeah, I’m going to unpack my stuff.”
“You could do that tomorrow. Going out with friends on New Years’ will not happen tomorrow.”
You roll your eyes. You assume I have friends. It shouldn’t be news to him, you’ve told him this before. And yet, you feel embarrassed again. You didn’t know Wonwoo had friends, but it’s wrong of you to think every workaholic has no life like you. 
“No. It’s been a tiring few months… I’d rather just sleep in.”
Wonwoo, surprisingly, sits down on your bed, facing you, and removes his sunglasses. You can see his pretty eyes from up close, and you realise that he’s never really sat on this bed since you’ve come to his house. “Do you want to come with me? They’ve been asking about you for quite some time now.” You look at him silently, “Nah, I don’t… don’t want to barge in.” “You won’t be.” “You’ll get late if you wait for me now.” “It’s not a big deal, most of them will be late anyway.” “Are you going to a nightclub?” “No, we’re going to a barbecue party.” 
Small, private, cosy. You’ll definitely be barging in.
“No Wonwoo, I don’t want to go somewhere where I’m not welcome. And anyway, I’m cool with whatever you’ve told your friends about us.” “I haven’t said anything in particular.” “Well, then you’re good at avoiding things.” “I am. You must’ve been away too long if you’ve forgotten about this.” 
You want to run away. He’s surely talking about avoiding being your husband- and he’s proud about it as well. 
“Then you might avoid it further. There’s no need for me to make a public appearance.”
Wonwoo stares at you for a second too long. His jaw hardens, and you can see his tongue in his cheek. Then he gently pulls your hand into his own, and carefully touches your fingers, purposely avoiding the bit around your wedding ring. The way your fingers seem much smaller compared to his makes you feel a certain way. You pull your hand back, but he doesn’t let go. He ends up pulling you up to stand, so that he’s still sitting on the edge of the bed and you’re standing right in front of him. His fingers are still laced around your own, and you feel sparks at the touch after months. 
“I’m going to show my wife off to my friends. And your excuses are pathetic, darling. You know you want me to show you off as well.” His fingers tighten their grip against your wrist, and you feel the vein in your wrist throbbing around his touch. “So get dressed nicely. I know you clean up well.”
It takes you a solid ten minutes to find something good to wear. Sure, you’re not big on fashion, but you like to look fit for the occasion. Especially if Wonwoo’s dressed up all fancily like that. But when you finally step out of the closet, you’re wearing a beige corset top with a black skirt, and a long black coat with tiny gold details. You find Wonwoo still sitting on your bed, scrolling through his phone. “How do I look?” you ask at the same time as he raises his head to look at you. After checking you out twice from top to toe, he nods slowly, but before you can exhale in relief, he says, “Will you feel cold in that skirt?” “No. And before you ask, I’m not wearing stockings. The coat will be enough.” “Don’t complain if you get cold later. Come down in five.” 
_
When you’re finally in the car, you ask him if you should buy something for the host, since it is New Years’ afterall. “If we bought something for him, the others will be mad at us for not buying something for them too.” You laugh it off, wondering how that could be possible, and proceed to stop at a nearby store to buy one of the trendy perfumes that’s popular amongst men these days. 
You find, not even half an hour later, that it is possible. 
“Wonwoongi! You only brought presents for Mingoo? None for hyung? How will hyung survive without your generosity?” A lanky, beautiful man immediately latches himself onto Wonwoo’s arm as soon as you both enter Mingyu’s house. It’s a pretty bungalow situated a little far from the city, and decorated extravagantly with lights. It’s only after Wonwoo makes it through the first few people crowding near the entryway that everybody notices you. 
There’s a collective gasp going around when everyone turns around and looks at you, smiles galore. And then they all start speaking together, and you get overwhelmed. Wonwoo shushes them all in an uncharacteristically loud voice, and announces, “Since y’all wanted to meet her, this is Y/L/N Y/N, my wife,” and you bow deeply to everyone as everyone greets you back. When you stand upright again, you stumble a bit, not having noticed the thick carpet, and Wonwoo’s quick to grab your hand. He casually interlocks his fingers with yours, and you both make your way into the apartment. 
The first man you meet is Mingyu, the host. You’re shocked to see him, not expecting to see him as the host. So he’s the host. He’s become taller than Wonwoo now, his face still identical to what you remember from high school. It sparks an annoyance in you, as scenes from each sports day of your high school years flashes by. There wasn’t a single time when you hadn’t defeated Mingyu in tennis, badminton and squash. You really loved playing racket sports, and it seemed that so did Mingyu. But not just that- Mingyu’s arrogance was even more childish than that of Wonwoo because he was insanely arrogant about his looks and the number of girls (and boys) thirsting over him every day. Although you hardly met him outside school because he didn’t belong to a chaebol family, you’d actively glare at each other every time you met in school. You wonder what version of these same memories flashed in his mind as you stand in front of him now. 
“It’s been a long time, Y/N-ah. Didn’t imagine that you and Wonwoo would end up married.” It’s a genuine smile, and for a moment, you wonder if you’d had the wrong impression about him all along. “We didn’t imagine it either, trust me.” Wonwoo smiles, and it breaks you out of your reverie. You hand Mingyu the gift, and say, “Thank you for extending your invitation to me.” “There’s no need to be so formal, Y/N-ah. But what’s the need for the gift?” “Since I’m visiting you for the first time… as Mrs. Jeon, I felt I shouldn’t come empty-handed.” Mingyu giggles and nudges Wonwoo’s arm, “Mrs Jeon, hmm? Feels like a Hollywood movie. Thanks Y/N, I’ll use it well!”
Then Wonwoo introduces you to the rest of his friend group one by one. You meet Seungcheol, who you remember all too well. “How the tables have turned, huh?” He chuckles, before handing you a glass of wine. There’s a familiarity in his mysterious smile, that twinkling look in his eyes, that elite tilt of his chin, as if he owned the world, which used to annoy the hell out of you, because to you, he seemed to be the stereotype of the worthless chaebol heirs who’d do nothing in their lives except eat out of their parents’ money. And yet, he’s made it big on his own, if news reports are correct, and perhaps you can find some respect for him now. “I hope we get along better this time, Seungcheol Oppa.” He’s the only man from Wonwoo’s high school group who you would call Oppa, and that was only to tease him because he’d been voted as the Sexiest Oppa of the Year at the end of the high school year. Seungcheol seems to remember that too, because he laughs, and you realise it’s a fond memory, no matter how much annoyance it had sparked in you back then. 
Then there’s Jeonghan, who’d been that beautiful man who’d spoken to Wonwoo earlier with that aegyo nickname of Wonwoongie. who disarms you instantly with his jokes. Joshua, who’s introduced as the gentleman, but you can see the mischief in his doe-like eyes, much too good-looking for his own good. There’s Soonyoung and Seokmin, who are already playing beer pong, laughing and spilling a lot of the beer on the table (and the carpet, but they implore you to not tell Mingyu that). Seungkwan referees them, while he’s wrapped around his boyfriend, who’s extremely charming and interesting. Vernon and you speak for a good two minutes before Seungkwan interrupts you both and takes you to meet Jun. Jun is sitting on the other side of the room, with his girlfriend, Lihua. She’s also Chinese but speaks fluent Korean, as she’s a teacher in Seoul, as she explains.You find out that Jun is an actor in both Korean and Chinese tv shows, and his visuals explain a lot of it, for sure. Then there’s Minghao, who’s busy discussing Met Gala looks over the years with two women, Soyeon (Jihoon’s fiance) and Aeri (Chan’s girlfriend). Chan and Jihoon themselves are missing, but soon you find them in the kitchen, helping Mingyu and his fiance, Hayi, to make cocktails. 
And when the introductions finally end, Wonwoo and you flop down on a couch in one corner, both tired from all that smiling and small talk. 
“Are you sighing so loudly because they’re not nice?” He teases you, as he place an arm around the head of the sofa, successfully cradling you without even touching your body. “Wonwoo. I didn’t know you were still close to Seungcheol and Mingyu.” “Hmm… should I have warned you before bringing you here?” You turn your face away from him, “A warning would have been nice. I wasn’t really ready to see Mingyu’s annoying smile again after all those years of his delinquency.” Wonwoo laughs, and you continue, “But I’m curious. What did you tell them about me that they’re welcoming me with open arms? Did you tell them that I’ve completely changed or something?” “No. They had their reservations too, but it’s not like they could do anything. I told them only a day before we got married.” You open your mouth to refute, but quickly become silent. Not for the first time, you wonder, how had Wonwoo adapted into the marriage so quickly in spite of having nothing to gain and everything to lose. It reminds you of the divorce papers you had asked Jisung to prepare, so you don’t say anything.
Jeonghan comes and sits on your other side too. “Oh, we have another person joining our lazy line, I see.” He giggles as you look confused. “Wonwoo, Hao and I are the lazy line. We run out of battery first. We can’t keep up with the other over-energetic boy.” “But the absolute first is Wonwoo, of course. There’s no end to group photos where he’s yawning in all the shots.” Minghao strolls in, grabs Wonwoo by the arm, calling him to the other room where they’re all playing billiards, and then it’s just you and Jeonghan on the sofa. 
“So, Y/N, I hear that you and Wonwoo have been friends since school?” You laugh, because he can’t have heard that. You know Jeonghan knows you both have never really been friends. He laughs too, and you realise how easily he’s prodded right into the truth. “It’s complicated,” you say safely, as you get a feeling you can’t hide from this man. “And yet I think you’re perfectly fit to be Mrs Jeon, from what I hear.” You laugh again, because genuinely it is a funny statement. You think he’s making a joke- probably about how you both hated each other’s guts in school, or had an equal temper. But no, he’s all serious and he repeats his statement with more sincerity. You twist your lips in confusion, and ask him, “How can you say that?” “Because I know Wonwoo very well. That’s it.” He then laughs a bit and continues, “They call me the Eomma of the group for a reason, you know. They’re all my kids. Even Cheol and Shua.”
And then Wonwoo calls you both to the barbecue which had begun on the outdoor patio. 
_
The party may have begun awkwardly for you but it soon becomes quite exciting. The temperature continues to fall as it becomes darker in the night sky, but everyone’s gathered around the barbecue grill outside so you don’t want to move. The girls are mostly sitting together, sitting cocktails that Mingyu prepares for you, winking every way until he reaches his fiance who exaggeratedly winks back. You sit sandwiched between Aeri and Wonwoo, and while Wonwoo is busy discussing games with Seungcheol, Aeri doesn’t let you feel isolated. You’re included into the group surprisingly quickly, and soon you’re playing drinking games with them. Games you’ve never played before, so you’re obviously totally incapable at defeating them. They seem to play these every other weekend, while you’ve never even heard of these game rules. The reality sends pangs to your heart because it hits harder than ever that you’ve never had a friend group with who you could drink with. Not even a casual drink. Not even a girls’ night out. Not even a pole dance at a strip club. 
“Okay! Let’s play the hongsam game,” Seungkwan shouts out and immediately everyone cheers in agreement. You must be looking confused as hell, because Jihoon quietly leans in to explain the rules simply. Seungkwan and Jihoon show you a small demo, and you nod. You may not have understood fully but you don’t want to hold up others in the game. And so the game goes on for nineteen rounds, and you lose ten of them. You somehow miss the timing every time, or maybe you just don’t know their names well enough. Even Joshua, who messed up the first three times, seems to have caught on, but you’re just stuck. Although they make you feel better about it, laughing with you instead of at you, and reassuring you that it’s okay to make mistakes, you feel embarrassed. It’s not a tough game, just requires hand-eye-brain coordination that you’re sure you’re not lacking in, but perhaps some part of you wants to do better because it’s Wonwoo’s friends you’re playing with, and performing poorly here would mean… well, you don’t know what it would mean, but it doesn’t sit right with you. So you try to be more competitive, and although you keep losing, as the shots go in, it feels less stressful and more fun. You become more familiar with the games, and the S.coups game you’re actually good at, although you have no idea why it’s called the S.coups game and Seungcheol personally makes it a point to threaten anyone who’s about to tell you why it’s called the S.coups game. 
And so, as the night goes by, you become more comfortable. Even if it is still a little awkward, it’s not altogether bad. Mingyu and Seungcheol are being nice to you, although a bit wary. The others have positively welcomed you with open arms. And Wonwoo, well, he’s being a little odd. He’s having a hell lot of fun, being much louder than you’ve ever seen him. He seems more reserved than his friends, but then, his friends are too hyper. And while he doesn’t make direct efforts to talk to you, he’s becoming more touchy by the minute. The first few shots in, he was just putting an arm around your shoulders. Next few shots in, his hands are properly rubbing all over your bare arms as he makes you open the coat when you say your body’s getting warm with all the soju. When you feel the buzz of alcohol getting more serious by the second, his right hand, the same one which had held your hand earlier that day, places itself on your thigh and refuses to move. It’s splayed all over your thigh, nearly covering from end to end, and there’s not much skin showing anyway, but with his hand, it feels like you should’ve worn a shorter skirt. 
Wonwoo’s favourite game is the mafia one. The game app somehow generates him to be mafia three out of four times, and he has way too much fun killing the innocent citizens who seem to be completely deceived by him. Wonwoo’s too good at lying, you realise, when you’re taken aback each time on finding out he’s the mafia although you’re sitting right next to him. The fifth round, you both are mafias, and after the penultimate round of guessing, when you two are the only mafias left alive and you lock eyes to decide who to kill, you giggle at the way he’s staring you down. 
“I say, Soyeon. She’s the closest to guessing me out.” You say seriously, but his eyes aren’t even on your eyes. They’re fixed lower, at your lips, but you panic and shift away from him. Now his eyes look up at yours, confused, but you’re guessing he’s just drunk. He would never behave like this if he were sober. 
“I say let’s get out of here. While their eyes are still closed.” He smirks, whispering hotly in front of your face, and you feel red all over. 
“Wonwoo! They’re your friends.” “So what? They love you already. They wouldn’t be mad at you for leaving, if that’s what you’re thinking.” “Don’t be ridiculous. You’re having so much fun, why would you want to leave?” “Because I know I could have more fun with you with my face under that skirt of yours.” You’re blushing again. “You don’t want to know the number of times I’ve left fun gatherings like this to fuck you in my car, sweetheart. This time, at least, they’ll understand better.” You blush even harder, with the way he’s speaking. It’s making your heart beat too loudly. You know it’s because you both are drunk, but you’ve never been able to resist it when he talks dirty to you. And now his hand starts squeezing your thigh, so you’re left wondering what it would feel like if his face was under your sk-
“Oh for fucks sake! I know it’s Wonwoo and Y/N with all this whispering, I’m sitting next to y’all, guys!” Aeri whines from next to you, and the moment is broken. Everyone opens their eyes and Wonwoo’s hand stop squeezing, although it’s still on your thigh. “If you’re going to undress each other, just go home!” Chan says, and you laugh. “I’m not leaving the party even if Wonwoo does, just so you know. I’m having way too much fun.” Aeri and Hayi hug you from one end, pulling you away from Wonwoo. “Yes,” says Hayi, “we’re not letting you go either. Boring mafia men can leave if they like.” So they pull you away from Wonwoo and you end up sitting somewhere far away from him, between Joshua and Minghao, and it’s nice to be around people who aren’t game aces either and you can have a lot more fun because they’re not as serious as Wonwoo.
A few seconds later, your phone buzzes in your pocket, so you take it out. There’s a text from Wonwoo. 
I wasn’t kidding, Y/N. I really want to get out of here with you.
_
Twenty minutes later, you’ve bid the last round of goodbyes, hugging Jeonghan and exchanging numbers with most of them, while they whine about why Wonwoo gatekept you for so long. Even Seungcheol and Mingyu joke around you, showing that they’ve become more comfortable around you. Perhaps growing up has taken away some of their jerk attitude from them. 
Wonwoo’s already leaning against his car when you walk out of the house. You know he’s drunk with the way his eyes check you out without any filter, and you’re also drunk and out of your inhibitions. You try not to get into your head as he opens the door for you, and you get inside the warm car. Wonwoo joins you in the backseat, and the chauffeur drives you out slowly. 
But somehow, being in the car now, away from the dopamine of the party, and the general excitement from having a surprisingly fun evening with strangers, the overthinking does kick in. Wonwoo doesn’t say a word, but his hand has returned on your thigh, and you let it be there. But you can’t help but think, is he finding you attractive only because he’s under the influence? 
So you ask him that, when you both get out of the car and he opens the door to the apartment. Drunk, dishevelled Wonwoo looks glorious in the night light, his dark hair falling over his eyes, which are hooded in desire as plain as day. “Are you fucking serious, woman?” That’s all he says, before he pushes you against the back of the same entry door, and puts his hand under your skirt. He finds you panties as an obstruction so he pushes them aside before kissing you and entering one finger inside your cunt simultaneously. You immediately melt under his touch, not just because it’s been months since Wonwoo’s touched you, but also because you’re feeling so relieved he’s still attracted to you. At least the farce hasn’t repelled him away this far. 
So you don’t speak any words. You both stay silent except the sounds he forces out of you. You come embarrassingly fast with just two fingers up your vagina, and his mouth creating hickeys all over your neck. “Fuck, Wonwoo, I-” “Shit you’re still coming- your whore pussy’s thanking Sir for taking care of her after so long?” You moan his name harder, your entire body writhing under his touch as he drags out your climax under his touch. “Yes, Sir.” “And what to good girls say in gratitude?” You can barely form the words but you say it, “Thank- thank you, Sir!”
“Where do you wanna take it, hmm? To my bedroom which you’ve taken over? Or my bedroom where you’ve exiled me to?” He picks you up and shrugs off your coat, and you wrap your legs around him, stretching the skirt. “It doesn’t matter.”
So he takes you to the bedroom where he’s sleeping these days. He flunks you on the bed, and you tumble to fall on your face. The sheets smell like him, and you breathe in his scent. You don’t want to sleep anywhere else after this- only next to him, if this is what his bed smells like. 
He leans in from behind you, and unhooks your top and skirt, leaving you in your underwear. Your panties are ruined, so he makes quick work of removing them. But he keeps the bra on, and gently slides in under you until your pussy is on his face as he prepares to eat you out from behind. His hands are splayed over your ass, and as soon as his tongue makes contact with your already abused vagina, you scream out his name. But he doesn’t stop- he continues, his tongue harshly fucking your cunt. When he’s done making you orgasm again like that, and you’re done screaming his name into his pillow, he finally moves away from you. You fall limp on the bed, as you hear him take off his clothes. Eventually he cages you from behind, and slowly fills you up from behind, one hand on your neck and the other rubbing your nipple over your bra. 
So he fucks you like that, his cold chain makes sparks every time it brushes against your spine. “Sir, please! Faster, please-” Wonwoo doesn’t reply to any of your begging, but he responds physically to everything you say, by doing the exact opposite and dragging out your misery. His hands don’t leave your nipples as he leisurely fucks you. “Fuck, Y/N, not even four months, and you’re tight like a virgin again.” Your hands slip and weakly try to clutch at the bedsheets, but you feel useless, like a toy, and he feels every inch of skin which he’s missed out on all this time. You don’t know what he’s looking like now, but his hand presses your head down on the pillow softly, and his grunts and moans are soft enough to be enveloped by your own louder moans and pants.
“Please, I’m begging you, please- pl- faster- Sir!” And the second he lifts his body away from yours, thrusting into you faster, you spasm and orgasm right there, and it triggers his orgasm too. The warmth of his cum flowing inside you stays there as he gently falls down on your body, panting. When he begins to pull out, you whine, unable to say anything but he gets the message. He lies down next to you softly, without pulling out for a few minutes. When your body finally comes down from the high, you go limp around his body, and Wonwoo gently pulls out. 
“I’ll clean you up.” “I’m sleepy…” “Yeah, then sleep.” And then you pass out.
_
When you wake up the next morning, Wonwoo is, unsurprisingly, not next to you, although his side of the bed is not cold. It feels like an upgrade, and you take what you can get. For the first time since you’ve gotten married, you’ve slept together and the thought of it makes you pleased for some reason. 
“Morning,” he walks in, before you can properly wake up. He’s wearing a peach-coloured hoodie with sweatpants, a cup of coffee in his hand. “Is that for me?” “No, I didn’t know if you were up.” “Okay, I’ll go and get my own.”
So you do. You brush your teeth and make your coffee and return to the bedroom, and Wonwoo’s still sitting there, his back leaning against the headboard. For a second, you feel like you’re stepping into someone else’s married life, but then you realise it’s yours. It makes you giddy. You don’t understand why- it’s not like you’ve ever craved for Wonwoo, or anyone, in this way. But somehow, you’ve warmed up well to the idea of having him as your … partner. There’s nobody who could be an equal match to you, to be honest. Either they’d be seriously less intelligent and you would be able to hold no conversation with them, or they’d be arrogant as fuck if they were smarter than you, and they’d make it a point to make you feel lesser, always. So Wonwoo is the perfect match for you. 
Although, Wonwoo could surely find someone better. Jeonghan’s words float in your brain once again, and you fight the urge to contradict him. Mrs Jeon could definitely be someone else- someone who’s less distant from Wonwoo, someone he could love truly deeper than just skin-level attraction, someone who would want to be with him for real feelings and not just a facade.
“There’s something I want to talk to you about, Wonwoo.” 
“Yeah, me too.” You both sit against the headboard, bodies far apart, as if repelled again by magnetic force, no matter how close you were last night. 
“Okay, you go first then.”
So he says, “Last night was… a mistake. I know it sounds cliche, but it’s true. I don’t… want to do this with you.”
Oh fuck. You did not see that coming. Sure, the relationship could have been a mistake. Getting married without him getting anything out of it could have been a mistake. Continuing this marriage after your dad’s treatment was successful could have been a mistake. But last night? Last night had felt so right to you. There was no one who knew your body like Wonwoo did, and you knew it went the other way round too. Then how could he say that?
He continues, “I don’t want to be fuckbuddies with you like this, Y/N. We got married for a goal, and now that goal’s been fulfilled and…”
“And you want a divorce. I get it.” 
He looks at you with confusion, his eyes wide and his eyebrows furrowed. “No, that’s not what I said.” 
“That’s what you meant. I’m an adult, Wonwoo, don’t teach me nuances.” You get off the bed and walk away. 
“Y/N, you’ve got to hear me out when I’m saying something.”
“Wonwoo, I already know what you’re trying to say.” 
“Fuck you, Y/N. This is why it’s not possible to have a proper conversation with you.”
“You’ll get what you want, Wonwoo. Don’t worry. Thanks for telling me, I needed to know.”
_
It feels good to get back to work after so long. The familiar sound of people typing away on their laptops and the busy movement of people everywhere, it brings peace to your heart. There are people hovering around you, hoping to speak to you, but Jisung somehow brings you to your office without you having to say anything more than good morning and happy new year to anyone. 
It’s only when you enter the office and you see the pending paperwork that you realise just how much you’ve missed. There’s a deal with Lee Corp. that’s sitting on your desk, and Jisung presents it to you with a proud smile. “We got it done, Ma’am. Every detail you wanted, to the t.” You don’t know how to respond, because it’s unbelievable. “But how?” This is your dream- signing a contract with Lee Corp., the leading organisation for facilitating stools for robotic surgery in Korea. Although your technology has always been more modern, they’ve retained their large market share because of simply how long they’ve sustained in the business- after all, when it comes to health, trust comes before modernity for customers. 
“Jeon Wonwoo-ssi set up the deal for us. The Deputy CEO and myself attended the meeting, I can share the minutes with-”
“Wait, stop. Wonwoo, you said?” 
“Yes Ma’am, I… did he not tell you? He told me he’d tell you.” Jisung looks genuinely confused, so you know it’s futile to investigate him further. 
“Well, as you can see, it’s news to me.”
“There is a meeting today, at noon, Ma’am, I need to brief you about the details before you-” 
“I’ll get the details directly from Wonwoo, thanks Jisung. Ask my chauffeur to get my car ready please. I’ll be back before the meeting.”
_
Wonwoo’s office building is bustling with the same energy as your own, and you face no trouble finding his office. So you walk right in. 
“What’s this I’m hearing?” He’s standing next to a shorter man showing him something on a tablet, but he immediately leaves when he sees you, bowing quickly. “I was busy, Y/N, you can’t just walk in like that as if you own the place.” He walks up to you, and gently closes the door, before leaning against it and asking you, in that fucking relaxed expression he always has, “What’s the matter?” 
“You fixed a deal with Lee Corp. for my company?” 
“What about it?” 
“And you didn’t bother to tell me?”
“I thought it was best not to disturb you when you were busy with your father.”
Your eyes widen in disbelief. “Wonwoo, this is literally the most important event that can turn my career around forever, and you choose not to tell me-”
“So you’d rather I invade your privacy for this? I’d arranged it so that it would be closed only after your return anyway, so it’s not like-”
“It’s exactly like you were making deals behind my back! God knows what subscript you’ve mentioned in the clauses with the Lees- yeah, step one: get into a trusting contract with Y/N, step two: slowly overtake all her market power, step three: make the company so weak that Jeon Estates can easily take over.” 
You’ve taken a step closer with every word, and now you’re standing at a hair’s distance from Wonwoo, who’s just staring at you. “For god’s sake, Jeon Wonwoo, say something!” 
And then, he fucking laughs. It’s a bitter laugh, one with no mirth, and it makes goosebumps rise on your flesh. 
“You’re mad, Y/N. You’re paranoid, stupid, ungrateful, selfish little bitch, and I can’t even be mad at you because I knew this is how you’ve been all along and yet, I can’t fucking stop myself from falling in love with you every damn day!” 
It’s your turn to go speechless. The documents in your hands fall limply to the floor, as your jaw opens and you stay rooted in one spot, stunned beyond belief. “You… what?”
“You were so fucking right every time you called me a dumbass, Y/N. Because I am one.” He laughs again, taking off his glasses with one hand, and rubbing his eyes with another. Then he stops laughing and when he wears his glasses again, his face looks twenty years older. 
“Wonwoo… I’m not understanding.”
“You will never understand. Because you don’t have a fucking heart. One would think I have a masochism kink- the way you kick me out every day and I come back to you like a dog. Have you ever thought that maybe I don’t want to take over your company? I’ve told you before- I have enough ways and means to bring you down already had I really wanted to. For fucks’ sake, it’d take a minute for me to destroy your reputation by spreading a rumour about how you wanted to bang me just because you thought it was a great way to get your dad to get into treatment.”
“You still could-”
“I’ve never taken advantage of you- never. I’ve respected you, with as much as I could. When you’ve been petty, when you’ve been oversmart, when you’ve been angry. And you think I’m really interested in destroying you? No, Y/N, if there’s anything I feel towards you and your professional career, it’s admiration. And respect.”
“Don’t lie to my face, Jeon.”
He laughs again, and kneels down so that he’s looking away from you, down at the floor, his body no longer held up in his usual manly stature. 
“I’m so tired of running around and playing these games with you, Y/N. I’ve admired you since you’d been promoted two classes at once in ninth grade.”
“That is a lie. You’d gone right after that class to bitch about me, very loudly, to your friends, about how I’d been promoted only because my dad’s business was flourishing.” 
“It was a front, because all of my friends, and mind you, I don’t mean Mingyu and Seungcheol, had become pissed at you for it. I had to… I don’t know… be popular? I couldn’t be any more of a loser than I already was. I’d lost a year as it is for breaking my leg and not being able to attend classes, and then… owning up that your intelligence and intellect amazed me and got me on my fucking knees would mean I’d no longer be the cool boy in class who everybody wanted to be with.” 
You kneel down next to him, imploring him to look into your eyes. But he steadfastly avoids eye contact- and you feel the floor slip away from your feet. Things you’d believed for years… hearing them become untrue… hearing them being simple misunderstandings… it was too frightening and too overwhelming to be believable. 
“But there’s not been a moment these last dozen years when I’ve not had my heart beat fast whenever I think about you… see you. I’d accepted your harsh words and your cold attitude as the norm because… I knew it was because I’d not behaved very nicely with you either, and I was to be blamed for it after all. But I took what I could get. A beggar cannot be a chooser, you know?” 
And he finally looks at you. 
And finally you can read Jeon Wonwoo. Every expression is as clear as day on his face. His eyes clouded with betrayal and pain, his lips twitching, seconds away from breaking down, his hands pale and trembling. You want to walk away, be a coward again, run away and escape to your bubble of yourself and only yourself. But you also want to take his hand, and feel the truth he’s speaking coursing through his veins buzz out into your own skin.
So you do that. 
For once in twenty six years, you do the brave thing. 
You sit down completely on the floor, and you lean forward to face him, and touch the tips of his fingers. You’re surrounded by the flurry of papers you’d brought to him, but in this moment, when the current of his touch matches the voltage running in your mind, you forget what they were. He looks away, and says, “Everything about you was so electrifying. You were the first woman who had never pedestalized me for my money and my position in society. The first woman who’d made me feel like just another human being. The first woman who I’d been unable to seduce with just a casual look. The first woman who threw a challenge at me with not just her attitude but also her smartness. And boy, you know how competitive I can be.”
“I was okay with being fuckbuddies too, you know. This way, I didn’t have to pine over you from a corner of the room at social gatherings and wonder how you smelt. I didn’t have to look at you from the other side of the cafeteria at school and imagine how it would feel to kiss the cream off the corner of your lips. And I fucking loved it. I loved being able to hold you close, make you mine. I- well… the first night you’d hooked up with me? If you’d not come back to me yourself, I would have begged you and confessed that very night. I would have cried at your feet to let me be your lover.”
There’s a single tear falling off his cheek and onto the point where your fingers touch. He doesn’t look at you. The sky outside darkens with the impending rain, making the room infinitely darker than it was earlier. 
“And then… when you’d asked me to stop… the world had broken down on me. I’d given up on making you want to like me- but,” and he laughs again, that broken, mirthless laugh, “a man can dream, can he not?”
“Wonwoo, I’m sorry.” you whisper. You know it’s pointless, but you still want to say it.
“For what Y/N? You’ve done nothing wrong. You’ve just shown me my place.”
“For hurting you. I didn’t know…”
“No you… you didn’t even know you were hurting me. You were just being you.”
“And it’s sick that I hurt you so much when I was just being myself.” 
There’s a long minute of silence, as he looks up at you. Lightning cracks on the horizon outside, your body shivering with the sudden sound of thunder, and his hands withdraw from your own.
“Y/N, I don’t want to interfere in your life any longer. I’ve lived happily this last year, being so close to you, even when I knew it wasn’t in the way I wanted. But last night…”
“Wonwoo. I-”
“It was a mistake because I can’t do this so casually anymore, Y/N. I don’t want to wake up next to you just like that, Y/N. I don’t want to be married to you on paper, Y/N. I don’t want to pretend in front of my friends and not make you mine in public. Seungcheol and Mingyu accepted you fully… because they knew just how smitten I’ve been with you forever.” The edge of his lips tilt upward in a lopsided, winsome smile, as he continues, “That day in the amusement park? You’d been so mad at me for no fault of mine at all, but you’d been so cute when you’d lolled all over my shoulder and clutched onto my clothes for your dear life. That time you’d made your first speech as your father’s heir to the company, I swear I could’ve run to you and kissed you right there, you’d been so hot up on stage, in the spotlight, right where you belong.”
He starts standing up, looking away from you. He begins picking up the first paper next to him. 
“Oh, you bought the divorce papers.” 
You spring up to attention at once, and snatch it away from him. “Wonwoo, I-”
“No, thanks for bringing them. Thank you for putting me out of my misery of this awful mirage called hope.”
“No, please, I-”
“I see you’ve already signed-” 
“Wonwoo! Just please listen to me?”
He finally pauses in his tracks and looks at you. “You’ve said enough, Y/N-ah. You’ll get the divorce you so want. And if you like, I’ll ask Jihoon to put in a word to take away the deal as well. If you feel so threatened-”
“Wonwoo, hold up. Jihoon?”
“Yeah? You didn’t know? His cousin is the CEO of Lee Corp. currently.”
He picks up a pen to sign, and you literally lunge yourself on his body. It’s cinematic, a little unreal, but you do it out of desperation. It results in you being draped all over his body, as he falls back on his desk. “What do you think you’re doing?”
“Shut up. Let me talk,” and you clamp a hand on his mouth before he can say another word. You take a deep breath, as his eyes widen for a second, but then he stabilises himself on his desk and waits for you to continue. 
“I’ll admit it, I’ve been an awful person. I’ve been mean, selfish, and paranoid- and yes, while I may have been justified to some extent, I … should’ve trusted you. It’s absurd though- had I not trusted you at all, how could I ever submit to you even in sex? How could I trust you with my body at my weakest, most out-of-control moments? Perhaps, deep down, I knew that, no matter how much we sparred with our words and our eyes, we… you would never harm me. And I think you know I wouldn’t have harmed you either, really. Because you’ve been nothing if not my twin spirit. You’ve been the only person competitive enough to challenge me. You’ve been the only man who hasn’t given me up even when I threw tantrums. And I want to stop talking in the past tense. Even in the future, I see… I see you as the only man who’d ever really understand me. If I tell you I need a week to just cut off from the world and focus on my work, you’d understand me. If I tell you, Wonwoo, I… well fuck it, I didn’t even need to tell you that I don’t like being lonely every New Years’ Eve, did I? You agreed to be my ally when our families turned against us. You agreed to be my husband when I hadn’t even asked you about it. You’ve… you’ve shown me that a world beyond me exists, you’ve shown me that I’m not the only person in this world I can care about, and you’ve shown me that you don’t need to be loud and obvious when you want to do things for others. And I haven’t even shown gratitude for it. So you’re right when you call me a paranoid, stupid, ungrateful, selfish little bitch.” He shakes his head, but you only laugh a little. “No you’re right. You are. Wonwoo, I… these last few weeks. When I was away, with my dad? I didn’t think it was love but… I did think it was longing. I didn’t even know when I’d gotten used to not living alone at home. I didn’t even know when I’d developed the habit of waiting till 10 pm to see you enter the house after working out, sweaty and your muscles bulging. I’d told you I had become dependent on you as a way to relieve my stress? Well, turns out now I’ve become dependent on you for attention, for affection, for a way to cure my loneliness. I am a paranoid, stupid, ungrateful, selfish little bitch because I’ve been so lonely for years. Apart from my parents and my sister, I… I’ve never had anyone else. And I thought it was  a strength of mine … until I grew up and realised just how lonely I had become. And then… I found you, I guess? Even when we just had sex, it was better than spending all those nights alone, drinking on my own. Even when you’d tie me up to your bedpost for hours on that stupid yellow vibrator of yours, it was more intimate than anything else, and simply because… you even read my face and understood when I was reaching my boundaries. And I’m having all these epiphanies right now, and I feel like a fool for priding myself on my smartness, because truly, what have I gained if I’ve lost you?”
And then, he wrings his hands free and leans over you, and kisses you. Kisses you with his mouth open, his eyes on yours as he gauges your expressions turn from surprise, to wonder, to thrill. When he’s finally kissed you out of breath, you pull away from him to breathe in and feel alive again, only to find that the roles have switched and he’s got you pinned against his desk now. 
“Baby, if only… if only I’d known, that your pretty mind was having so many epiphanies, I’d have not left you on the bed alone in the morning. Tell me you don’t really want the divorce, tell me what you said right now was not a joke?”
“It’s not… I don’t want a divorce, please Wonwoo. I had only got them prepared because I thought you’d want them- but…” 
“Well, I deserve to be treated like a shithead for not making you feel just how badly I want to hold on to this marriage. Because even if it is fake…”
“Wonwoo, shh… it’s not fake if I love you, right?” You say, experimentally, hoping you’re doing the right thing now by being brave, and when he doesn’t reply for a second, your brain goes on a spiral again, but then he must know it because he kisses you again. “Say that again, princess.” So you do. He asks you three more times, and each time, he punctuates his sentences with kisses on your face, and you blush harder each time you admit that yes, you have fallen in love with Jeon Wonwoo. The last person you’d expect to fall for… but it’s true, and it’s real, and it’s warm and novel with how it’s coursing through your veins. 
“I love you too, Y/N, if you’ll really have me.” So you kiss him back, your tongues lazily sliding against each other, the sensation making you numb. It feels good to kiss Wonwoo, but it feels even better to kiss your lover Wonwoo, you realise, and you go back for a million more kisses, before the grandfather’s clock in his room rings out and reminds you that it is noon. 
“Wonwoo… Fuck! I’d forgotten,” you whisper as he kisses you down your neck, lavishing every inch of your skin. “The meeting with the Lees!” “Oh.” He looks up at you. “I’ll call Jihoon and ask him to reschedule. Can’t let work get in the way of pleasure, right now, Mrs. Jeon. Not when I can finally make love to you like you’re mine.” You giggle at his words, unimaginably corny. But you can’t deny how good it makes you feel. “Wait, who said I’m yours?” “Fuck, don’t mess with me, woman. You- you just said!” “I am, relax! It’s a joke, Mr. Jeon. I see your cheesiness has changed now… but your sense of humour is just as poor as before.” He snarls against your lips, although it’s sexy in a way. “I’ll not let you go for comments like that, you know?”
_
So he doesn’t. He calls Jihoon and reschedules the meeting, and then he drives you home, in his car. He’s sitting in the driver’s seat, his hand wrapped in yours, as he pauses at every red light to kiss you. “I still can't believe it.” “You’ve got me here, Jeon. I’m not going away.” You can see the way his hands tremble, but you hold on tight. You’re telling him as much as you’re telling yourself, you’re never going away. 
It’s still raining outside, but he covers your head with his blazer as he picks you up and carries you all the way upstairs to his apartment, doesn’t even lower you in the elevator. Thankfully there’s only an ahjumma inside the elevator, who doesn’t seem to mind, only giggles when you apologise. “It’s okay. I know how lovesick men can be,” she says, before she gets down at her designated floor. 
And then he doesn’t stop kissing you. He doesn’t leave your mouth even when the elevator door opens and you both walk out into your apartment. He doesn’t leave your mouth when you shrug off your heels and he takes off his own shoes. He doesn’t leave your mouth when he directly takes you all the way to the master bedroom, and just plops you down on the bed, you nearly springing up with the impact. 
“Wonwoo?” You ask when he turns away and walks into the closet, only to return with a box that’s too familiar to you. It has all your toys in it. “Do you know, Mrs. Jeon, just how cruel you’ve been by forcing me to see these every time I open the drawer to take out my underwear? He opens it slowly, showing you the three dildos inside, and the bullet vibrator Wonwoo himself had bought for you. “Every time I see them, it feels like you’re cheating on me, because fuck, how can anything give you pleasure when I literally exist?” His words are cheesy again, but in that dirty way which is so on brand for him. You’re leaking under the suit pants already, you know that. 
“Wonwoo… I… you know I don’t use them when you’re around.”
“And you shouldn’t have to use them ever. Not when I’m here to fuck you good like you deserve, like the cumslut you are, hmm?” He presses a finger under your chin, taking in a good look at you from above, before he orders, “Strip.”
So you do. He takes his sweet time watching you strip, while taking out one dildo from your box and his favourite ties. When you’re down to your underwear, he pauses you and extends a hand waiting for something. You know what’s coming, so you just extend your hands to him and let him tie you up. He smirks at your gesture, so he ties you up the poles of the bed. He also uses another tie to wrap around your eyes, and then he gently peels off your panties. “God, fuck. You smell heavenly.” Did he just sniff your underwear? “Wonwoo! Don’t!” There’s a sharp spank on your pussy, exposed to him in its wet glory, and you crumble instantly. “Little baby girls don’t tell Sir what to do and what not to do, hmm? They just take it as they’re given.” So he spanks you again, and it sends shivers through your body. Just the thought of fucking in the broad daylight seems like a sin, but then… isn’t this what married couples do?
You realise that Wonwoo’s seated himself next to you, and he’s gently taken your head into his lap. His hand is already playing with your clit, and you feel something cold and liquidy being rubbed over your pussy flesh. Lube? He’s still fully dressed, and you can feel the cold metal of his watch graze against your sensitive thigh, making you hiss in pleasure. 
“It’s been far too long since you’ve been taught a lesson, darling. Seems like getting married has made you feel like you’re beyond Sir’s control. But that’s not how it goes, is it?” You whisper out, “No… No Sir.” “Good girl. If you want to be treated like you’re married, then you’ve gotta earn it, yes? Now. Can you take one finger?” He inserts his finger gently, which is coated in the cold substance you’re assuming is lube. It isn’t really necessary, given how wet you are already, but it feels hotter when the lube is so cold inside you. 
You nod. “Words.” “Yes, I can.” So he slowly pumps it in, before saying, “Can you take two fingers?” You whimper as he stretches you by putting in two fingers. “Yes Sir.” “That’s a good girl.” The praise is making your head spin.
“And can you take-” he puts in another damn finger, “three fingers?” Now it’s a real burn. It’s in till his knuckles all too quickly but you can’t say no because you want to please. “Quick, princess. Don’t keep me waiting. Yes or n-” “Yes! I can. I will. I’m a good girl, Sir?” He pumps all three fingers deep until it hits your spot, and you scream out his name. “Such a good girl. Now fuck yourself on those fingers thinking that’s Sir’s cock.” 
You push up your hips, and he thrusts in, meeting your halfway. And then he sets the pace, as he fucks into you relentlessly, his other hand gently wrapping around your jaw and you take out your tongue, almost drooling, until he puts a finger inside your mouth too. You just know he’s smirking right now, with you being desperate for something in your mouth too, but you can’t care less. 
Your orgasm hits you as soon as he orders gently, “Cum for me, pretty baby.” But when you come down from your high, he doesn’t take his fingers out. He gently pumps in your cum into your system again, and you writhe with sensitivity. But he uses his other hand to stop you, as he takes it out of your mouth. “Now, can you take a dildo along with these fingers?” You gasp, because it’s not imaginable. “No, I… it’s too much, Sir.” “Is it? I don’t think it’s bigger than your husband’s dick, is it?” And fuck, you can’t stop yourself from clenching at that. It’s crazy how hot he makes it sound, but it feels amazing when he calls himself your husband. And he must feel your cunt clenching around his fingers as well, because he whispers near your ear, “Oh Mrs Jeon likes that, huh? Too bad she can’t take her husband’s cock then, because it’s too much-” “No I can take it! I can- I can fit in my husband’s cock.” You can hear the way Wonwoo grunts, as he plunges his fingers deeper into your cunt. “But first, I’ve got to train you, yes? You’ve become too unruly. You want to be the perfect wife, don’t you?” “Fuck!” you can’t form words as you clench around his fingers hopelessly, overstimulation forgotten, and buck up your hips to help him reach your spot. He just laughs and begins fucking you again, all three of his thick fingers snugly fit inside you till the knuckles. 
“Can you feel my wedding ring inside, baby?” He whispers again, and you cry out his name continuously as he drives you to a new high, so familiar, and yet so new. He’s your husband now, fuck. It’s a revelation that hits harder in the middle of sex, and you come instantly, coating his fingers with your essence. 
“Oh, my cockslut’s eager to please her husband, is she? So eager to be the perfect wife, is she?” 
“Yes, yes! Please- pl- I just want-”
“Want?”
“Please fuck me Wonwoo!”
He immediately removes his fingers from your pussy and you scream out as you feel empty. “Aaah! Please!” 
“I’m not making any girl who’s forgotten rules in the bedroom, feel good.” He takes off the tie that was wrapped around your eyes, and you notice that he’s not leaning down at you, his glasses still on, but his eyes dark with hunger. God, he’s hot.
“I’m sorry Sir.”
There’s a sharp spank to your clit, and you jump. It’s too much, but in the best way possible. 
“I’ll ask you again. Can you take three fingers and one of those dildos you love so much that you torture your husband with its sight every day?” He doesn’t break eye contact, and you whimper in front of him, pathetic and desperate. 
“Yes, Sir. I can.”
“Open your mouth.” 
Wordlessly, you do, and he spits into your mouth. Then he puts in the dildo. As you see the purple dildo, which is considerably slimmer than Wonwoo’s dick, but about the same length, enter your pussy, you notice how much Wonwoo’s gaze has hardened. Is he really jealous of that damn toy? It’s funny, so you buck your hips up to meet the way he’s slowly fucking you with the plastic dildo, and his eyes become more dangerous. 
“Are you that desperate for it, darling?”
“I want to feel full, Sir.” 
And then something in Wonwoo snaps. He wraps three fingers around the head of the dildo and along with the fingers, he plunges the dildo into you, stretching you out much more than before. The burn eases out after a second, but he fucks you at an incredibly slow pace, which only makes you eager for more. “Faster, please!” “You want me to fuck you with this plastic toy how I fuck you with my cock?” “Yes! I d- I do! I just want to feel full!” Then his other hand finds its way to your tits and twists a nipple hard enough to make it painful. “You’re such a whore, Y/N. Just a pretty whore. You’d take any cock just to keep your holes filled?” “No! I … I only like it when Sir does it for me.” “Liar. Just now you’re so happy to take this dildo, huh?” You can’t even think straight with the pace he’s torturing you at, but you do reply, “That’s- aah! Only- only because Sir’s fucking me with it. Because I can feel your wedding ring inside me, Sir!” 
“Fuck!” There’s another sharp pinch at your nipple before Wonwoo begins fucking you faster, and it only takes you a minute before he’s bringing you to yet another high which leaves you dizzy. 
“God, you’re left speechless. Does Mr Jeon fuck you that good?” He leans it to kiss you, his wet fingers now wrapped around your breasts. You can feel the way your cum still sticks on his fingers, but it feels too good to be gross. You kiss him back, arching your back off the bed, until he pulls away. 
He stands up from the bed, and languidly takes off his clothes. “So pretty like this, princess. Legs all spread out for who?”
“You, Wonwoo. My husband.” 
He stops his movements and stares at you for a second. It seems like calling him husband has the same effect on him as the effect on you when he calls you wife. “Yes, you’re right. Your husband.” He sits next to you to kiss you again and this time, you try to sit upright, in spite of your hands still being tied. When he breaks off, he says, “So let me train you to be my wife, hmm? I want to fuck you so good that your pussy shapes itself around me. That you won’t even need prep when I want to fuck you because it’ll be so used to me.” Oh, no wonder for that size training. “Why? Does your cock get bigger now that you’re my husband?” He smirks, eyes cruel because you’re talking back to him. “No, because I need to fit in perfectly to ensure none of my seed leaves you when I’m breeding you.” And then he attacks your neck, and you’re moaning even before his lips hit skin because his words flip some switches in you that you’ve never even known. Sure, Wonwoo’s always fucked you raw because you’ve been on pills for years, but the idea of him breeding a child into you? Fuck. You’d never even thought about having a child, but this idea turns you on remarkably insanely. 
Soon his shirt is off and he unties your hands. “Take off my pants for me, baby.” And you do. You tease him a bit, but that’s only fair with how hard he’s sucking your breasts, as if he’s born to do this. Before taking off his boxers, you notice the precum that’s leaking out so much that it’s made the fabric quite wet. So you lick his dick clean while it’s still inside his boxers, and you’ve got him hissing and grunting like never before. “Fuck, Y/N, don’t,” he pulls your head away. “Why?” He must notice the way his precum is still sticking on your lips, because he groans again. “I want to cum inside you. Breed you full, baby.” That puts a shy smile on your face as he takes off his underwear, and you finally see his cock upright, leaking and bright red. And perhaps you’re delusional after all those orgasms, but it does seem bigger than before. 
“Please, Mr Jeon, take me.” And he responds to your begging. He kisses you softly, as he lines himself up with you, his left hand still pulling your hands up above your head, and your right hand clutching your hips in an iron grip that will leave marks. And then he just enters, without warning, till the hilt, and you both moan out at the sensation. You don’t know why it feels different, but with how he’s kissing you, almost softly and gently, like he’s a gentleman, while fucking you ruthlessly like he’s in rut, you’re in heaven for sure. 
It’s also the first time Wonwoo is so audible during sex. He’s panting and moaning, although much softer than you, but his sounds spur you on even harder. He can’t stop whispering your name and other pet names in your ears, while you keep moaning his name loud even to burst his eardrums. He doesn’t care. He responds to every word you utter, every little request you beg, and he fucks you fast and hard, until he can’t hold on any further and his entire body is trembling with the incoming orgasm. “Mrs Jeon, can you cum with me?” “Yes, please, Sir.” And so you do, releasing into each other while still making out with each other. It feels like you’ve entered a different dimension of pleasure, and Wonwoo is here with you. It’s a safe feeling beyond description, and you pass out right there.
_
When you do wake up, you find Wonwoo sitting next to you with a cloth in his hands, wiping gently at your legs. 
“How long have I been out?” 
“About ten minutes?”
He doesn’t answer smoothly. You can see the way his hands move softly, almost worshipping. 
“I love you, Wonwoo.”
Then he looks up at you, and you see the way his eyes are quivering. 
“Hey, what’s wrong?” “Nothing.” “No, tell me.” “Nothing just-” You sit up, and take his hands in your own. Then you nod at him, gently urging him on. 
“Was it too much?”
“Huh?”
“Did I push you too much?”
“No. I would’ve used my safeword if you did.”
“But what if you forgot the safeword in the middle of it all- what if you got too pushed by me-”
“I wasn’t, and that’s what matters. I remember it all the time, Wonwoo, you… the traffic lights aren’t really easy to forget. I would tap out somehow if I felt like too much. But it wasn’t, so where’s this coming from?”
“Nothing… I… I hope you’re not just taking it from me because I’m your husband now.”
And at that, you laugh. “Hell, nah, Wonwoo. You know I wouldn’t take it from you even if you were god. You’ve really got me all wrong, then.”
He smiles weakly, and you know it’s still on his mind. So you move over to sit gently on his lap. “Wonwoo, when I said earlier that you know my limits. I wasn’t lying, you know. You do. You don’t push me too much.”
“But if I ever do-”
“If you ever do, you should know that I’ll tap out at once and never forgive you. You always make me feel safe, Wonwoo.” And you hug him, and the fact that you’re both naked makes your hug even warmer and softer as you feel Wonwoo’s hands wrap around your back as well. 
“I love you too, Y/N. I promise I’ll always keep you safe.” And then he kisses your forehead, and you snuggle your face right into the crook of his neck. He smells… like Wonwoo, and it feels like home. 
“Now, how about some lunch, baby?”
“You’re hungry when I had to do all the work?” You gasp while still tucked into his neck, and he giggles with the way your breath tickles his neck. 
“So what does my pretty wife want?”
“She just wants to cuddle you and sleep.” 
“And my wife’s wishes are my commands.”
So he lays down, with you still on top of him like a koala, and pulls the blankets over you both, wrapping you into one tiny ball. You look at him with a fond smile, and you see your expression mirrored in his. “I love you so much, Y/N-ah.”
“And I love you, Wonwoo. I could love nobody else apart from you.”
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Well...after over five weeks...I'm finally finished. I've finally made it to the end of Season 2 of The Magnus Archives, so...here is my seventh post detailing my thoughts, feelings and theories on every episode of the series, this time on Episodes 71-80. And you know...these have basically turned into semi-recaps of the episodes at this point as well, so uh...add that to the list of definitions.
This final quarter of the season...has been absolutely phenomenal, every episode has knocked it out of the park, and I can say with full confidence that I absolutely adore Season 2 as a whole. But at the same time...DEAR GOD, if these episodes did not contain a boatload of information. There was just....so, SO much to unpack here, hence why this one has taken so long to publish (for the most part anyways), and because of that...this is easily the longest post I have written so far, and...actually the longest thing I've ever written in my entire life. Like, I'm pretty proud of it, but...yikes, this is what my life has become?
I guess I COULD tell you the word count right here and now if I wanted to flex...but my desire to indulge in pride outweighs my desire for people to...actually read this, so um...in order to not scare people who are new here away...let's just say that you'll learn the word count if you make it to the very end. There you go. That's your incentive to read this behemoth of a post. But uh...do it in parts for your own sanity and wellbeing, please.
As always though, some things you should know. Please don't spoil anything past the first two seasons of The Magnus Archives for me, which includes all of The Magnus Protocol. If you haven't gotten this far into The Magnus Archives yourself and have any interest in doing so, please turn away and go listen to it first, because there's obvious spoilers here. I will be making reference to the previous six posts in this series of mine, so I recommend you read those before this one, all of which can be found in the masterpost that is linked above the cut. And finally, trigger warnings for everything in tma, particularly episodes 71-80, will apply here.
With all of that out of the way, I hope you enjoy. :)
- Episode 71, Underground 🚉
Statement of Karolina Górka, regarding a brief period trapped on the London Underground. Statement taken direct from subject.
….what? I mean…uh…ok, I guess just…live your best life girlie, I don’t know. So this was…certainly an…interesting episode to say the least. But not necessarily in the sense of like…insane lore drops or anything, more in the sense of…like…it’s just really damn odd. Overall, this is an extremely short episode with not a whole lot going on, which is most certainly by design given how the characters act in it, but like…I hope that makes you understand why I probably won’t have all that much to say about this one overall. I mean, I don’t really think I’m SUPPOSED to have much to say about this one given how the podcast itself treats it…but like, even if I don’t have any big theories or groundbreaking thoughts to give, I…genuinely kind of love this episode? Like, (and I mean this in the best way possible), it’s so objectively simple and not really all that remarkable, that it works its way around into becoming an extremely memorable and…oddly comedic episode, and I genuinely really like that. It’s really like…the only episode that doesn’t feel like it takes itself seriously so far…and that’s kind of fantastic. It might not be great for the same reasons that…honestly all of tma’s greatest hits are so good, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t fantastic its own…weird way. Like, I don’t think it’s quite as much of a masterpiece as Binary for example…but it’s very Binary-esque to me with how…unashamedly weird it is, and that is arguably my favorite aspect of Binary so…yeah, this one unironically slays! Honestly, I don’t have much to say that isn’t basically said by the episode itself, but I’ll still document my thoughts for the sake of it, and I still have some mini-theories regarding this one too, so uh…yeah! Spooky train episode!
So, this is yet another statement taken direct from the subject, this time focusing on a woman named Karolina Górka. Now, I usually talk about my thoughts on the statement givers themselves before I actually get into talking about their story, but…with Karolina, her story is so intertwined with my thoughts on her that I’ll hold off on talking about her for the time being, and save that for later. All I’ll say for now is that…I absolutely stan her. Anyways, she’s come to the institute to give a statement about. an experience that took place a few weeks prior. On January 6th, she was engaging in a belated New Year’s Eve celebration with some close friends of hers at the Star in London. At one in the morning, she left the pub while three of her friends stayed behind, and she headed towards the Victoria line in the London Underground, which had recently started an all-night service on Fridays and Saturdays. Firstly, I have to say that…yeah, choosing the London Underground as a setting for a horror story makes a lot of sense, it is genuinely kind of terrifying in real life sometimes. But also…given what Jon says later on, I do have to wonder if this “all-night service” is actually a bit more sinister than what is let on, and if it’s more of a trap in this scenario…hm. I mean, sure, the service does exist in real life but…in this universe it’s a tad more strange. Anyways, Karolina finds that there’s no one else on the platform outside of a man with a shovel. Given what happens later, I have to wonder if this guy was either someone who ended up in the same situation as Karolina and managed to escape…or if he was the direct cause of it, the latter of which I find quite a bit more interesting. After quite a while though, the train finally pulls up, although Karolina notes that in retrospect, it was probably much more old and dusty than it should’ve been. She finds that she’s still the only person on the train, and after a while, when the silence becomes more eerie and oppressive than comforting, she noticed the adverts plastered across the car were covered in tight-packed soil and mud, as were the chairs, the floor, the windows, really everything. She decides to get off as soon as possible, but the train does not stop. …I know I called this statement more comedic than others, but honestly, this scenario would be fucking terrifying if it happened in real life. She tries to pull the emergency lever, but it breaks off, and eventually…the train actually stops for about twenty seconds. She then finally manages to get some of the doors forced open, finding that the tunnel…is actually just damp, bare earth instead of a manmade structure, and that she can’t get out through the side exits due to how close the earth is to the train. (Unrelated, but I find it kind of odd how the last statement also somewhat prominently featured a train now that I think about it.)
So, with no way out from the sides, Karolina decides to try and reach the front in hopes of getting help from a potential conductor. She then squeezes her way through the doors, hearing…a sound of immense strain on the metal that increases as she goes forwards, and eventually realizes that the train is slowly compressing in on itself. She figures that at this point, any potential driver would be dead, and that there’s absolutely no clear escape at this point. Weirdly though, she actually finds another person on the train, an old man with blue eyes and a grey beard, almost…stuck to the seat around him. He’s realized that there’s no way out at this point, and then digs his hand into Karolina’s skin, saying that there’s “not enough space to move, and never enough to breathe.” And after he lets go…Karolina makes her decision. Having fully accepted there’s no way out, she just…lays down, closes her eyes, and waits for it to be over, as the train compresses even further and the old man screams. And then…somehow, for…SOME reason…she wakes up on the platform at Walthamstowe Central, still alive. She…survived by just not giving a fuck. Due to the mud and dirt all over her, as well as the mark on her wrist where the old man grabbed her hand, this event obviously happened for real, but…she’s somehow not dead. And…that’s the end of her very brief statement. So uh…yeah. Let’s…talk about her in more detail I guess, as I think she’s probably the most important aspect of the episode.
I’ll start off by saying that the incident…in general, like, the whole creepy dreamlike station that takes you to a compressing ghost train…probably isn’t that important in the long run. Well, at the very least, I don’t have too much to say about it for the time being. It’s obviously related to the compression-aligned member of ✨the horrors✨ that shows up in episodes like Lost Johns’ Cave and Held in Customs, and I wouldn’t be surprised if the man with the shovel that Karolina saw at the station was somehow responsible, but ultimately…I don’t think it matters too much. Jon does mention multiple people disappearing after heading to the Victoria line alone, including a man named Nicholas Lekman, presumably the man who Karolina was on the train with, and who is…unlikely to have actually gone to the station as his son says he was a severe claustrophobe. On top of that, there’s no footage of the people who disappeared ever arriving at the station so…yeah, a creepy fake dream dimension where a train tries to eat you is certainly scary, especially if you don’t ACTUALLY have to go to the station to end up there, is certainly pretty scary. It’s also…kind of Micheal-coded, but honestly…you could argue everything in this damn podcast is Micheal-coded if you wanted, and I highly doubt this actually relates to him, even if I would personally love that. Oh, and Jon does seem personally concerned since “Sasha” takes the line…oddly late at night for some reason, but like…I’m not complaining if SHE ends up there. But anyways, that’s enough rambling, what about Karolina? Well, before I delve into why I think she and her involvement with the train actually matters quite a bit, can I just say how much I love her? This woman survived by the sheer power of just…not having a single fuck to give. She was so unbothered by everything, so willing to die in what should’ve been the most traumatizing experience of her life…and that somehow allowed her to see the light of day. And then..when she gives the statement, she is just the most chill person imaginable. Like, as much as love stuff like Tessa’s 6-minute monologue at the beginning of Binary, the fact that Karolina just…immediately gets into it, not even asking for a follow-up at the end and remaining completely unbothered, probably only coming to the institute out of obligation…like what? How can you not love her?! she might just be the most powerful person in the entire podcast so far. I…most definitely have an affection for the statement givers who survive through the most ridiculous methods possible, I think Karolina would get along great with Joshua Gillespie. Actually…it’s funny I mention that because…well, I’ll get to THAT in a little bit. For now though…I want to talk about Karolina’s reaction to the scenario, and how she survived the whole thing, since I think it might actually provide some pretty relevant information when it comes to understanding ✨the horrors✨. Not on the levels of something like Thought for the Day for me…but it’s interesting.
I think the methods through which Karolina survived are…interesting. I’ve seen two possible explanations as to…how exactly taking a nap of all things allowed her to survive, both of which honestly have some decently strong arguments. I’ll start with the argument that I agree with a teensy bit more, which also happens to be the more simple of the two. The most simple explanation for Karolina’s survival is that…she simply just did not care, and whatever was tormenting her got bored, or in my interpretation…stopped working. I agree with this interpretation…mostly because it’s more simple and funny, which is almost never a reason to agree with a theory, especially when the other explanation has much more depth…but given how I think this episode is intended to be seen as pretty simple and comedic, I’ll make an exception just this once. And I mean..outside of the more meta reasons, I think this interpretation still works given both what I’ve seen so far, and what I’ve proposed. Going back to Joshua Gillespie for a second, he already showcases that…ignoring ✨the horrors✨, just simply minding your own business as much as possible…is a pretty valid strategy if you want to stay alive. And if that’s the case…then Jon, and to a lesser extent the entirety of the institute, are probably doomed given how much they dig into this shit. On top of that, I’ve proposed that ✨the horrors✨ are actually just fear incarnate, and if you run with that line of thinking…it would certainly explain why Karolina survived. Sure, she was somewhat unnerved and trying to escape at first, but there’s enough of a tangible difference between fear and survival instincts, and in the end..she just didn’t care. If ✨the horrors✨ are literally fear, and Karolina had no fear in that scenario, then maybe some sort of…error in the system occurred. (omg the simulation theory lives) If she stopped feeling that fear, the being trying to crush her to death just didn’t affect her at all, unlike with Mr. Lekman, whose claustrophobia ultimately killed him. So..yeah, this interpretation is probably my favorite…but the problem with it is that it doesn’t explain how for some reason…Karolina left the archives oddly dusty. This…at the very least suggests that she didn’t get out of the experience entirely unscathed, and that she might not be able to just…move on with her life as normal. Now, some people have suggested that maybe Karolina actually did die on the train, and that her ghost, or something akin to a ghost, was talking to Jon. I mean…it’s not impossible…but it’s also not really based on anything else that’s been shown in the rest of the podcast, nor is it that interesting in my opinion, and it doesn’t feel like there’s nearly enough to take away from that line of thinking in the grand scheme of things. Like…it’s not impossible, but I’m not that wowed by it.
I think a more likely explanation is that she was…”marked” by it, in a similar manner to that of people like Jane Prentiss, Jared Hopworth, Annabelle Cane and so on. Still though…I don’t entirely agree with this idea. I mean, I think it would be cool, and it definitely gives Karolina a better chance of coming back later on, which I would love…but it kind of goes against what I’ve been thinking so far. Firstly, the weirdest things about Karolina are that she leaves dust behind, and is…just so incredibly chill, the latter of which is unlikely to be paranormal. Meanwhile, other people marked by ✨the horrors�� either possess crazy supernatural abilities like throwing people into an endless abyss, or are just…actual fucking monsters like Jared. On top of that, I’ve suggested before that people have to experience the fear associated with the horror they serve in order to get marked, and Karolina…really didn’t feel that. Now, something I neglected to mention (which in retrospect I really should have when talking about Thought for the Day), is that the fear…seemingly turns into adoration eventually. For example, Jane, while she initially feared The Flesh Hive, eventually came around to it, gaining more love and affection from the worms than she ever did from other people. Jared Hopworth now has a seemingly well-paying job due to his bone-turning abilities, Simon Fairchild seems to be having the time of his life as he throws people into the void, and..yeah, you get the picture. But while Karolina’s certainly at peace with her experience mentally…I don’t know, she’s not exactly enthralled by the idea of being compressed or anything. Like, she’s fine…but I doubt she’d ever wish to re-experience that either way. Ultimately…I think she was marked in a way where like…the powers of ✨the horrors✨ still linger in her soul to some extent, but she doesn’t have those deep connections, or crazy superpowers that all of the major weirdos so far have shown. This theory is far from terrible, I can still see it working…but I personally think it’s more likely that she survived by the raw power of “guess I’ll die”. I think this one also works slightly better tonally, as having her survive due to being chosen or whatever…I don’t know, I just don’t feel like that works as well with the general vibe being presented here, but maybe that’s just me. Overall though… I think this is pretty relevant information! I feel like the major takeaway here is that if you’re any to survive…just ignore it all! Which…probably means I’d die if I were in this universe but who cares! Hooray for new information! …Ok, there is…actually one other thing I feel is worth mentioning, and it actually does connect to the train itself. As I said earlier, I don’t think the creepy train thing will actually matter in the long run, and that Karolina’s interaction with it is what really matters..but I do think the train might explain something else, if kind of slightly? So, everyone remembers the coffin from Do Not Open and Hard Shoulder, right? Well, I already said that Karolina got me thinking about the absolute chad that is Joshua Gillespie, and…then I started thinking about how the train basically acted like a metaphorical coffin for Karolina…and how coffins are tight spaces, and how it’s not actually clear whether you immediately die or not if you enter the coffin due to how Daisy’s old partner went inside…so…I’m wondering if the coffin is somehow aligned with the compression. I think I…still like the idea of a bajillion spiders in there a bit more, and given the scratching and moaning (the latter of which is admittedly a bit similar to how Karolina describes the sound of the train), I definitely think that whatever is in there is at least…a somewhat alive being. There’s also the fact that Joshua escaped the coffin by waking up, and Karolina escaped it by going to sleep, which is a notable difference (although I guess sleep is a recurring motif there)…but it’s an interesting thought, no matter the answer.
So uh…yeah, that sure was Underground. I’m just…honestly kind of surprised by how much I ended up liking this one in the end. Usually, the more simple, short episodes, while never bad by any margin for me…do fall towards the latter end of my liking. Like, they’re still enjoyable, but I have much more fun with the longer episodes that are more complicated, emotional and lore-heavy, most of the time at least. Like, for example, I’m pretty sure my least favorite episode in the entire story so far remains as The Man Upstairs, and it’s mostly a process of elimination deal, but…now that I think about it, I think my problem might’ve been that despite the plot being “guy nails meat to his apartment walls”, it feels like it’s being treated just as seriously as everything else. Like sure, I think I recall Jon commenting on the ridiculousness of the scenario, but it’s in the same manner that Season 1 Jon calls EVERY statement ridiculous. And…I think that’s why I like this one so much. It’s not afraid to call itself out on how it’s both really simple in comparison to most other things, and honestly kind of absurd. It’s well aware that it’s not super serious…and I’m surprised yet delighted to say that this single, lighthearted element makes me really like this one! And even outside of that, the episode still came with an admittedly pretty scary scenario, a really memorable protagonist, and at least from my perspective, some surprisingly intriguing implications. So yeah…I really liked it! I know it might sound like an ironic liking, but even if some of the enjoyment comes from the absurdity, I swear that I have a very genuine appreciation for this one. Well anyways, all of that aside for a moment, we do have the matter of Jon’s post-statement and supplemental. I’ve already discussed most of the post-statement, although I felt like I should just bring attention back to how Not!Sasha is staying as late as she is. That doesn’t really tell me much, it’s just…really fucking concerning is all. But as for the supplemental…well, this one is actually quite interesting. Jon’s been making it much further down into the tunnels recently, which is both concerning and exciting, but as he does so…he’s noticing that there’s more and more normal trash down there. This has led him to come to the conclusion that whatever’s down there is at the very least human-like…and I find that very interesting. I assumed it was a lot more eldritch and monstrous in nature, but while this doesn’t necessarily narrow down any suspects for me…it does tell me what I should avoid looking for, at the very least. I also find it interesting how there’s a very likely possibility that this…person(?) is the one responsible for using the compression powers on Jon in Too Deep, especially since…that’s exactly what this episode dealt with. I mean, given the mystery of how this person is getting their supplies, it might not necessarily be impossible for them to leave the tunnels…so who knows? Maybe this person is the man with the shovel? …I don’t know, admittedly it’s hard to find leads when it comes to this mystery…even if I’m still a little bit curious about that page Mary gave Gertrude, and it’s whereabouts…If the person ends up being Gertrude’s ghost I’m actually going to flip. Oh, and mentioning her, Jon also brings up the possibility of her being killed by more than one person, which I find interesting. It could be a red herring, but I have thrown out the idea of it being a group like The Divine Host or The Lightless Flame before so…that’s interesting. Oh, and lastly, Jon mentions that he’s going to halt exploration until he can get some police assistance from Basira, which is honestly great news! Even though I’m dying to know who and what is down there, it’s good to know that he’s being cautious with the exploration, and that Basira hasn’t just entirely peaced out, since that makes the idea of more of Gertrude’s tapes a lot more likely. So uh…yeah! Underground! …I’m still so in awe of Karolina. What an unbothered queen…
Supplemental: Wow, that was…longer than expected. Anyways, there’s been a couple of other things running through my head recently. For one, I was thinking a bit more about the whole situation with Tim at the end of Binary. I felt like I kind of brushed over it in my last post due to…all of the other shit that episode presented, but the more I think about it…THAT’S GENUINELY KIND OF TERRIFYING?! Just…like, I’m less concerned by what’s keeping him (and presumably…everyone) there than I am the mere fact that you CAN’T. LEAVE. The idea of being trapped in a job that’s gotten as dangerous as this one is…genuinely a horrific thought, and just…IS HE OK?! IS HE HOLDING UP WELL?! DOES ANYONE ELSE KNOW ABOUT THIS?! I DON’T…OH GOD. Well…anyways, on another note, I was thinking more about ✨the horrors✨, as I always do, but more specifically, I was thinking about their…humanization. What I mean by that is that, in my last post, I kind of suggested that maybe they were more human, or at least human-adjacent in how they function, than I initially assumed, due to Gertrude suggesting that The End was a “who”. But since I also proposed the idea that ✨the horrors✨ were fear incarnate in Thought for the Day (Istg that episode will haunt me for the rest of my life), which is a lot more…abstract, I kind of want to give an update on that idea. I personally think it’s…up in the air. A lot of ✨the horrors✨ I’ve established are more…environmental, like the darkness, the compression, The Vast, so on and so forth, but then you have ones like The Piper and…possibly The Anglerfish, which are much more humanoid in design, and then there’s…Micheal, who’s this sort of weird middle ground that clearly possesses a consciousness and personality, as well as a…somewhat human figure, but also identities as a “what”, and is…apparently synonymous with his weird backrooms dimension. So ultimately…I’m still kind of unsure on how human-like these things are, I think I’m leaning towards abstract concepts overall…but I’ll just have to wait and see. Or not! Maybe I’ll never get answers, who knows?! Well…that’s all for now. I’m going to go to sleep now, since that’s apparently a very effective way to not die.
- Episode 72, Takeaway 🥓
Statement of Craig Goodall, regarding his explorations of an abandoned chicken and kebab shop in Walthamstow.
To quote our beloved Head Archivist of The Magnus Institute, London….“hm. More meat.” You know, when the phrase “meat-based horror” pops into my head whenever I think about tma, I always feel like that should be something that only scares like…HARDCORE vegans (it’s the internet, you know exactly the kinds of people I’m talking about), and then I actually listen to the meat episodes and they’re genuinely really unnerving. So on that note, yeah I really liked this one! I don’t know why, but I’ve always had a bit of strange affection for restaurants as horror set-pieces, so I knew I was going to like this one right out of the gate. And this one absolutely delivered on its premise! I thought it was really well paced, had some extremely vivid and…somewhat squirm-inducing scenes and imagery that were executed horrifically well, and while it might not be the biggest episode of all time in regards to lore, it does expand upon and kind of…tie together a lot of the themes in the more body horror-esque episodes that have shown up in the past, and it also brings back a plot point that I…honestly almost completely forgot about for a brief moment. So yeah, there’s not much more to add, so uh…time for another episode about consuming things that should not be consumed I guess.
Ok, I should start off with a brief yet important note. Obviously, this episode opens with…quite the interesting and relevant scene, taking place before the statement even begins. For the time being though…I’m going to ignore that. Not only because the supplemental this time was very brief and connects directly to the opening, but also because said opening is entirely unconnected to everything else in this episode…and also drives me into much more of a panic, so…I’ll go over it at the end of the episode. All I’ll say for now is…JON. HOW IN THE HELL CAN YOU READ A STATEMENT NOW OF ALL TIMES?! YOUR ASSOCIATE IS POTENTIALLY DEAD AND YOU GO “OH NO, ANYWAYS” ON HER?! WHAT THE FUCK?! Like…I guess his voice sounded debatably more shaky than it usually is but….dude! Sort your priorities out! I understand that she’s…probably somewhere very far away but COME. ON. Well…what about the statement? So, this statement comes from a curious man named “Craig Goodall”. Yeah, apparently much like “Antonio Blake”, this guy is a statement giver who’s faking his identity. For what reasons, I have no idea, but it’s enough to make me suspect that he…might come back in the future. You know, it’s kind of scary to think about these statement givers with fake identities, since for all we know, they could return at any moment, maybe even showing up before they gave their statement…and we’d have no idea unless they directly revealed said identity. …I don’t like that thought. Anyways, regardless of his identity…Craig absolutely kills it! I mean…he’s not particularly remarkable overall, but any guy who confesses to most likely being a cannibal at the very beginning of the episode is at least kind of memorable to me. And…yeah, I guess I should cover that. So, Craig was a somewhat common customer to a local takeaway called Waltham Express Grill, which served chicken, kebab, burgers and all sorts of meats. The owner was a man named John Haan, who was accused of murdering his wife in 2004, and…well, selling the dismembered body parts as meats, only saying “meat is meat” as he was arrested. So…yeah, given his status as a regular there when the place was more than an abandoned ghost story…there’s a very good chance that Craig ate some of Mr. Haan’s wife. Well…I appreciate his honesty. Craig…actually gives some pretty interesting insight into cannibalism as a concept that I had never really thought about before. Obviously he’s against murdering people, or only eating people when there’s so much meat out there, but like…he’s not exactly against the concept of eating human flesh if he has to. Like, the actual act of doing so is fine to him, since there’s no more of a difference between human and animal meat than there is a difference between like…pork and fish, it’s just that consuming human meat is a lot more morally questionable. And like…I honestly have to agree with this take. Obviously, I’m not a cannibal, but like…I don’t know, if it does apparently taste like pork then…I’m fine with it. I mean, my relationship with non-human meat is already one where I don’t particularly care for it (or…most food in general now that I think about it), but I’ll still eat it to stay alive…and I honestly don’t see it being much different with human meat. If I was given nothing to eat outside of human carcasses, I’d eat the caracasses, ok? …ah, sorry for the rambling. I just like it when tma makes me think about weird shit. Going back to the actual story, it’s not surprise that after Mr. Haan was arrested (I’m kind of dumbfounded by how the amount of Micheals are seen as more meme-worthy than the amount of Johns btw), the old takeaway became abandoned, since no one wanted to buy a former cannibal restaurant. Still though, Craig stayed around, never leaving the neighborhood, even though he was reminded of his potential cannibalism every time he walked past the place.
As time went on, the place became more and more disheveled without care…but there were a few times where the ever-curious Craig would poke his head through the cracks in the metal sheets that covered the windows…and would find that it looked far too clean to be abandoned. Already this reminded me of another meaty statement, since this was very similar to how Gregory Pryor described Jared Hopworth’s…. “butcher shop”, if you can call it that. I don’t think they’re actually connected in the sense that Jared is familiar with the takeaway, but it’s a…somewhat notable similarity at the least. Anyways, on a particularly gloomy and rainy day, as Craig was walking past the abandoned ruins of Waltham Express Grill, he heard…a sound. It sounded like something small and light had hit the ground inside…and then he heard quiet laughter. He also noticed that the window was slightly ajar, and that’s when he figured that someone was inside, and decided to call the police. Ultimately, all they found was a teenage boy with a spray paint can, and they just let him off with a warning. So that’s…understandable, but then one of the cops drops the can on the ground, and leaves it behind split open…and pouring blood red paint. Now, this could theoretically just be some standard ominous imagery…but I honestly doubt it. Given what we later learn is actually inside the takeaway, as well as the source of the laughter…I do not think that the teenager was ok. I’m pretty sure that kid had some sort of nasty experience…and I wouldn’t be surprised if there was really blood in that spray paint can. Well…either way, Craig doesn’t sleep very well that night, his mind still on what happened back there, manifesting in the form of some freaky, bloody nightmares. He ultimately makes the foolish decision to head back, calling a friend of his with a penchant for urban exploration and housebreaking, Leroy Yates, to come help him if he doesn’t check in within an hour or so. And…this is the part where the episode makes me queasy. Like I said, I am not exactly scared of meat on its own, but mutilation…yeah, that’s…no thank you. The human body is already pretty weird and disgusting on its own to me, and this episode doesn’t make me like it much more, but I guess that’s a good thing for a horror podcast to strive for. Regardless, Craig manages to squeeze his way through the gaps in the metal and get inside the takeaway, seemingly inside a storeroom. All perishable items had been removed from the place, but…everything else was still there, the equipment somehow looking shiny and new. He eventually discovers a freezer marked by the teenager’s…what I hope is paint. Craig assumes that he was trying to spell out John Haan’s iconic “MEAT IS MEAT” phrase, but only had time to write “MEAT IS ME”…but once again, given the weird shit going on in the takeaway, I have to wonder….oh god. Thankfully, nothing is inside the freezer…but then Craig hears that same quiet laughter. He looks to his feet and finds a pale Chinese man with a terrifying grin staring at him. Now, while this man is never named, we have every reason to assume that he is supposed to be Tom Haan, the exact same man who worked at the Aver Meats abattoir in the episode Killing Floor. Because I mean…who else is it going to be? I’ll discuss my thoughts on him, as well as what his presence here ultimately means in a bit, as I do think he’s the most important aspect of the episode, but for now I’m just establishing his name so I don’t have to call him…“the man”, or something stupid like that. Well, regardless of his name, it’s clear that this guy is an absolute psycho because he…cuts through Craig’s Achilles tendon with bolt cutters. …I’m not going to lie, that…really got to me. That is a PAINFUL fucking place to get butchered. Just…just no. Well, agony aside, this injury causes Craig to knock his head on the counter, and he blacks out. And it only gets weirder from here…I guess…
So, after his blackout, Craig finds himself on the upper floor of the takeaway, bound to a wooden floor with cable ties, noting that his ankle was throbbing with pain, but…not as much as he expected it to. He saw that around him were chipped teacups, old bibles, “oddly textured” candles, and…a whole pile of human fingers. …oh dear. Tom Haan then walked into the room, shirtless and painfully thin-looking, while chewing…something that I’d rather not have the answer to in his mouth, and carrying a butcher’s knife. And…when he starts talking, we get the funniest part of the episode. Craig notes that he was surprised to learn Tom could speak English, and that despite the fact he was about to be brutally dismembered, he felt bad about thinking something low-key racist. …you can see why I like him, right? Like, that’s just kind of funny. Well, comedy aside, Tom just shows more and more psychopathic tendencies. He cuts off three of Craig’s fingers, and starts skimming through the pile of old bibles, talking nonsense about how Christians both Ho lured disregarded the body, something about souls…so on and so forth. This…oddly Christian undertone that’s associated with cannibals has shown up many times before, although…it’s kind of weird the more I think about it? Like, neither he nor Eustace Wick actually seem to be Christian, but seem to use Christian-sequel practices when worshiping their…weird meat god thing, possibly in a derogatory way given what Tom says. And…I guess that could explain why Edwin Burroughs was so heavily mistreated by god-knows-what for being Catholic, and then forced to eat human flesh…I don’t know, it’s a really weird situation where it feels like these guys are…stealing Christian practices, both for their own gain and out of disrespect. And then you have Jared, who seemingly connects to the same body horror being, but has no Christian imagery whatsoever? Maybe because his transformation into The Boneturner was a lot more…involuntary? But it’s not like we know how Tom or Eustace started serving this power anyways so…eh? I don’t know, it’s a curious theme, but a weird one. (Also uh…this is probably very obvious, but no, I don’t think this Tom is the same as Not!Sasha’s boyfriend, they seem entirely separate all things considered.) Well, enough rambling. Right before Tom is about to chop another piece of Craig off, Leroy Yates shows up and barrels into him, using the butcher’s knife to free Craig. It’s then that…what is actually the only…technically paranormal thing in this statement comes to fruition. Craig notices that his ankle, his fingers…they’re present. They’re fine. The pieces that were cut off (which is obviously very Piecemeal-core), are still there…but he has a fresh new set of flesh in its place. But before he can say anything about this, he notices that one of the candles had been pushed onto the bibles…and the entire place gets set ablaze. Craig and Leroy flee the scene, and Tom’s fate is left uncertain, at least to them. So…yeah! Takeaway! Overall this was a great episode, I think my favorite aspect about it was how it wasn’t even explicitly paranormal up until the very end, and despite that, it managed to feel just as creepy, ominous and disgusting as every other much more…clearly unnatural episode in the story so far. The setting was executed perfectly, and while it’s not the most lore-heavy episode to date, it still gave a pretty nice extended look at the body horror and it’s strange Christian undertones, and also some very relevant information regarding the previously elusive Tom Haan. And…yeah, I guess I should discuss him in more detail now.
Up until this point, Tom Haan only had one appearance in an episode, and that was Killing Floor. Now, the statement in this episode was given in 2013, so that basically confirms that Tom survived the fire that burnt down Waltham Express Grill. To give a brief recap, he was seen in this episode working at the Aver Meats industrial abattoir alongside the protagonist David Laylow, who had decided to quit his job on the killing floor after he started to have thoughts of humans and animals being the same kind of meat. Tom approached David on his final day at the killing floor, telling him he “could not stop slaughter by closing the door”, which I interpret as him saying “it doesn’t matter if you leave, these animals will still die”. David later found himself in a liminal-dream like space, where he almost walked into a meat grinder at one point…and was later forced to shoot Tom Haan with a bolt gun by Tom himself. After he did that he managed to escape. Now, it is entirely possible that Tom died here, I believe Tom’s whole goal when seemingly throwing David into this…weird sort of dream abattoir was to force him to keep on viewing humans and animals alike as nothing more than meat, which definitely fits…the family ideology that seems to be upheld in Takeaway. And you know, having to kill another human with a bolt gun you usually use to kill animals would certainly get the point across. But…I’m not entirely convinced. Tom is said to have left the abattoir in the middle of a shift, later completely vanishing, and then there’s the fact that the whole scenario was kind of…vision-like, the fact that Tom’s power’s apparently still affect the place to this day, and also the fact that…as much as he seems to be very ideal-driven, I doubt Tom would sacrifice his own life if it meant one random guy viewing humans as meat, that just seems like kind of a waste. So…I personally think that he’s still out there, and that the version Mr. Laylow shot with the bolt gun was just some sort of…vision he conjured up. But hey, he might actually be dead for real, I’m just spitballing here. I would also like to note some…odd similarities to other characters he shows here. I think similarities to people who obviously have this…body horror motif going on are pretty obvious (so like, Jared Hopworth, Eustace Wick, Angela from Piecemeal, so on and so forth), but…he has some weird similarities to other people as well. The way that saying a weird phrase threw Mr. Laylow into some sort of hell dimension really reminds me of how Simon Fairchild saying “enjoy sky blue” threw Robert Kelly into the endless sky. That could potentially just be a running theme among all of these people with creepy superpowers, but then you have the…really weird similarities to Micheal. Yes. I’m doing it again. Until I get answers I refuse to exclude him from discussion. But…in all seriousness, I do have to wonder if there’s something going on here. Both of them lure people into liminal space hell dimensions (which oddly enough, is a trait that Tom doesn’t exhibit in Takeaway), and while Tom comes off as kind of cold to me in Killing Floor…I don’t know, in Takeaway it felt like he exuded that same cryptic, unhinged creepy smile energy as Micheal. …yeah I’m well aware I’m insane but what else am I supposed to do? NOT talk about the funny big hand man? …I mean yeah probably but THAT’S BESIDES THE POINT. So…anyways. That’s about all of the information and weird details I could muster from Tom’s previous appearance…but what about the new lore this episode gave us? …I should’ve probably discussed this earlier, god I’m so sorry.
Ok…so, I should start off by explaining what little we know of Tom’s past. How exactly this man became a meat freak remains unknown, but I’m going to assume that it’s a sort of…lineage based thing, in a similar vein to how all of The Fairchilds likely serve The Vast, and how…most of The Lukas Family has this desire to isolate, minus Evan. I assume this, because we learn at the end of the episode that nine months before his incarceration, John Haan (who is revealed to be Tom’s uncle), let the rest of his staff at Waltham Express Grill go, and left it to Tom, explaining how and why he was hanging out there. I think this was done because John also served this meat-related power, and wanted the takeaway (which I’m starting to assume is some sort of…holy ground) to be in the hands of someone who was also devoted to the power, rather than any of his employees, who we know all thought John was just a normal guy before the cannibalism, meaning they were unlikely to be in touch with the weird meat shit, going on the assumption that their testimonies are true. So…yeah, that probably explains why Tom moved over from China to Walthamstow. His uncle wanted him to continue the…”family business”, if you can call it that. Now, I really don’t have much else to say about Tom when it comes to his motivations, or anything of the sort. He’s obviously dismembering people because he’s a cannibal, and also because he worships some sort of meat god via Christian and Eucharist-like practices. There’s…not really much more to add here, until further notice I think he’s pretty easy to explain. But…what’s really interesting to me are his abilities. All of the body horror people have had pretty different powers. Jared can turn people’s bones, Eustace could seemingly make corpses speak in an attempt to get others to eat them, even after his own death, and Angela has that weird…body part loss and regeneration curse thing going on. Tom though is…a lot more curious. I’ve already mentioned his odd, Micheal’s Backrooms-esque abilities shown in Killing Floor, which this episode doesn’t shed much light on unfortunately. What this episode does show however is a regeneration ability, one not too dissimilar to that of Angela. Obviously, even after getting three of his fingers and his Achilles’ tendon chopped off, Craig found that he maintained those body parts. I really see no one else but Tom being capable of this…and I feel like that might explain what he’s actually doing. I don’t think Tom…actually kills his victims, I think it’s much more likely that he spends time cutting off pieces of them, regenerating and cutting again, and maybe even lets them leave afterwards. I have a feeling that given the…somewhat ominous circumstances surrounding him, that kid was likely one of Tom’s victims, being used to gain a number of parts until Tom got bored and let him go. But there is…one other notable thing about Tom’s abilities, one that might actually explain one of the most polarizing and mysterious episodes in the entire podcast so far.
You see, I initially assumed that the episode called Thrown Away connected back to Anatomy Class, but thanks to some insights from the YouTube Comments…I have second thoughts. If you don’t recall, this episode deals with mysterious trash bags containing excess amounts of strange items. Three of these items (doll heads, a copper heart and human teeth) are either body part-esque or just straight up body parts, which is definitely fitting for Tom. Interestingly, it’s noted that all of the teeth were…seemingly replicas of the exact same tooth, and that would certainly work if we assumed that Tom pulled out a tooth, and kept on regenerating it and pulling it out again. (That is…an absolute nightmare now that I think about it.) The second bag also contained charred Latin bible verses, and I mean…he did get his old bibles set on fire so…yeah that checks out. Basically, the argument is that the trash bags on 93 Lancaster Road were all left behind by Tom Haan, which also makes him Alan Parfitt’s murderer. I think for the time being, that makes the most sense when trying to explain Thrown Away. So…yeah, that’s about all I have to say on Tom Haan for the moment. Pretty cool character, I hope to see more of him.
Well, that’s about all I have to say regarding the main statement, and…some other potential connections. So what about the post-statement and supplemental. And…the pre-statement for that matter. Well, we do have a few small details regarding Craig’s story from Jon. Well…there’s actually only one thing that I haven’t mentioned here. Apparently, the remains of Lanying, John Haan’s wife, lacked any notable defensive wounds, and some of them seemed almost self-inflicted. I take this to mean that Lanying likely committed suicide, although I doubt John was entirely uninvolved. I think the most likely explanation is that both of them were meat freaks, and while John did deal some damage to her, it was ultimately consensual on her part, and she probably wounded herself a bit too. …I don’t know if that makes me feel better or worse about the whole scenario. But disregarding all of that…I really ought to touch on how the episode begins and ends. So, at the beginning of the episode, Jon gets a call from Basira, who is…god knows where honestly. And apparently, her and a number of other members of Section 31 have been sent to arrest…MAXWELL FUCKING RAYNER?! HELLO?! …LIKE RIGHT NOW?! HE-HE’S ACTUALLY FUCKING HERE?! SINCE WHEN?! Oh god…things really ARE heating up now. So yeah…Rayner is still around apparently, and for…whatever reason and under whatever circumstances, the police have found him. I’m just…HUH?! Like, I expected him, and The Divine Host as a whole to make a more direct appearance eventually but…I just didn’t expect it to happen…now of all times. But you know what, despite that, and despite the raw terror this puts me in…I’m REALLY excited by this. The whole Divine Host plot is really intriguing to me, it’s such an interesting look at the life-ruining effects of cults to me, and the whole aesthetic is really cool as well. So having the ever-elusive Maxwell Rayner seemingly make his in-person debut…OH HO HO HO HO. I’m stoked. But…I’m also horrified. You see, Jon advises Basira to bring torches (which I initially interpreted as the American version of a torch because I have yet to be fully Britishified by my extended family) in order to combat Rayner’s darkness. But right after he does so, static starts creeping in, and Basira is cut off. And…the static isn’t the regular ambient static that shows up in most episodes, it’s much more akin to the audio distortions that play when Not!Sasha and Micheal are around, so…oh god. Much like Jon, I…really hope that she’s ok. And unlike Jon, I hope that if Daisy’s there, she’s also ok. (don’t listen to him, he just hates to see a girlboss winning.) Well…given that the next episode is literally called “Police Lights” I’m sure I’ll know what happens soon enough…but I’m still pretty worried. …oh my darkness. Things are..definitely about to get hectic, I can feel it.
Supplemental: God I’m just…I’m so fucking sorry. This- this episode was about MEAT. It was about fucking human flesh of all things and I somehow managed to write all of that. I’m just. What. What the hell is even wrong with me at this point. I would say I’d try and make things more brief…but like, I’m in too deep to back out now, this podcast is my everything and I. Can’t. Stop. TALKING ABOUT IT! Send help. Or don’t. It’s not like it’ll make much of a difference, for I will still be insane about this. Oh, one other thing, I was re-listening to those static noises I mentioned, and…I realize they kind of reflect whatever’s showing up pretty well. Not!Sasha’s is high pitched and the faintest, hiding in the background. Micheal’s is all squiggly and choppy, you can’t really get a good idea of it. And the darkness is really loud and oppressive, almost…all-consuming. I just think the podcast has some really clever audio editing, and thought it was worth appreciating.
- Episode 73, Police Lights ⚫️
Statement of Police Constable Basira Hussain, regarding the attempted arrest of Maxwell Rayner. Statement taken direct from subject.
WHAT. WHAT. WHAT. WHAT. WHAT. WHAT. WHAT. HE JUST. HE JUST FUCKING DIED. LIKE. THREE SHOTS AND HE’S DEAD. I CAN’T. HUH?! NO GODDAMN WAY. NO. THIS DOES NOT END HERE. THERE’S TOO MANY UNSOLVED MYSTERIES. THE DIVINE HOST WILL LIVE ON. I CAN’T EVEN COMPREHEND THIS. I JUST. AJSJJSJDJEJEKEKKEKEKLELELELLELELELEL. …So um…wow. This was…yeah, this was quite an episode. I…I really don’t know how to feel about this one if I’m being honest. Not in the sense of like, I don’t know whether or not I like it, because I’m pretty certain I do. It advanced the plot in really interesting ways and is making my head spin in a lot of different directions, which if you know me, you’d know is like…the best thing an episode of tma can do for me. It’s just…the turns it took are really surprising to me, and…I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a little bit worried. I’ll delve into it a bit more later on, but like…I’d be lying if I said I didn’t find what happens to Rayner a little bit concerning for the future. This is one of the few instances so far of a statement-only plot…kind of entering the main story that affects the characters we’re personally familiar with, and…as long as this isn’t where things end, I’m totally fine…but I’m just a little concerned. I mean, I overall doubt this is where the entire Divine Host story ends given just…how many mysteries there still are, but…sorry, I’m getting ahead of myself. I will delve into it a bit later, but just know that provided I assume the best going into the future…this was an absolutely killer episode. It REALLY does feel like we’re in proper season finale territory right now, and even if the inclusion of this storyline at now of all times was pretty surprising…I’m getting super excited regardless. Sorry I’m just…I feel like I’m trying to get all my thoughts out right now because there’s just SO much…but I’ll make sure to take it one step at a time. So um…I guess I’ll just start then!
Edit: I’ll explain it soon enough but…oh it is so not over. It is SO not over. OHOHOHOHOHOHO IT IS SO NOT OVER!!!
Ok so starting off: THANK GOD BASIRA SURVIVED. I mean, I got the sense that I wasn't going to be left hanging for too long after the phone call from last episode, given how the episode is literally called "Police Lights" but like...I was genuinely worried here. I think it was mostly due to the fact that her and Jon had been pretty distanced for a while, and like...it just felt like a time where they could kill her off, you know? And given where she ends up at the end of the episode, I have to wonder if...maybe that idea was something that Jonny considered at one point, but I really can't be sure. Well, regardless, what matters is that she's ok. Well...she's ok as she can be after that experience. It's really interesting to see Basira, who's been one of the most mellow people in the entire podcast so far, end up as distraught as she is here. It kind of feels like she parallels the archival staff in this way, having had minor paranormal or...just slightly strange things happen to her, before coming face to face with something much greater than she could've anticipated, (The Divine Host in her case, The Prentiss attack in the institute's case), and it leaves her changed and shaken. She's silently mourning the loss of a colleague, clearly pissed off at how the force plans to handle things...and yet she's still so quiet. It's just...a really good show of how dire the situation has gotten now. But uh...yeah, cutting to the chase, Basira had a rather nasty encounter with Maxwell Rayner and other members of his cult. As I alluded to earlier, I'm...honestly surprised that they're showing up so prominently at...now of all times. Currently, I'm kind of working on the assumption that this episode is just a tease for the time being, and that The Divine Host will come back in a greater force that we get to see in person later on, but...it's still kind of peculiar to me. I've assumed that Season 2 is building up to a finale that centers on topics like Not!Sasha, the tunnels and The End, but...maybe I should add The Divine Host to that list? I mean, I've already thrown them out as a possible Gertrude killer, even if I think there's some noticeable holes in that argument, but like...even then, I think another thing that the Season 2 finale will draw attention to is the paranormal nature of The Magnus Institute, and that seems to center around the eyes, and The Divine Host has a closed eye for a symbol which suggests some sort of rivalry so...MAYBE?! I guess only time will tell, but...it would be very interesting if they somehow play a much greater role in the finale than I expected. Either way though, I'm really happy that more light is being shed on them (uh...metaphorically, not really literally), because I've always found them really compelling, and thought that they've given some fantastic episodes in the past, so...yeah, I love their inclusion here either way. But uh...enough preamble. Let's just get into the statement, because oh boy...I am happy to announce that there is some LORE here!
So, starting from the top. It all began on the previous day, when Basira, Daisy (who was oddly absent from this episode despite Jon mentioning her in his last supplemental), and a number of other sectioned officers were called to deal with the case of a kidnapped 12-year old named Callum Brodie. Now, this kid isn't present for much of the statement and doesn't really do a ton, outside of being traumatized which is...yeah fair enough actually, but there's actually something really interesting about him to me. So, for reasons I'll explain later, I decided to scroll through the wiki articles for all of the previous episodes with significant involvement from The Divine Host (while avoiding spoilers of course), and when stumbling upon Exceptional Risk, I found that the protagonist of that episode, Philip Brown, had an ex-wife named Caroline Brodie. I guess this COULD be a coincidence, given how many Micheals and Johns there are, but given how both statements deal with the same member of ✨the horrors✨, and how Jon strangely drew significant attention to Caroline and her divorce despite her...not being seemingly significant whatsoever, outside of her existence further proving that Philip Brown was a massive dick...I definitely think he's supposed to be her son. But...this is pretty interesting from a lore perspective. You see, I have reasons as to why I think The Divine Host kidnapped a child in the first place, but it was kind of difficult to pinpoint...why Callum Brodie was chosen specifically. But the thing is...if Philip Brown really is his dad, then both of them have dealt with the exact same forces. This could just be a thematic thing going on, but like...really, what are the odds that the kid you abduct just happens to come from a guy you previously traumatized 15 years ago? ...So what if it wasn't a coincidence. If Gerard's words in Lost in the Crowd are anything to go off of, then people who have had paranormal experiences can get "marked", some seemingly in more potent ways than others. So like...does this imply that when you get "marked", it's...like a disease of some kind? Like, people you're close to get haunted by the same thing as you? But that's really weird to me, because like...if Callum is 12 years old right now, and Caroline left Philip in 2004, then chances are she was at least in early pregnancy, and at most, Callum was a VERY young baby. So...the chances of his dad's curse following him seem kind of weird...and I hope to god that this isn't some sort of...paranormal sex thing like with Squirm. (I am so sorry for putting that image in your mind holy fuck.) I'm...probably reading too much into this, but I feel like there HAS to be a reason for Callum Brodie being chosen specifically, especially since The Divine Host was stationed pretty far away from where he lived, so they definitely weren't content with any other child. Uh...fuck I've been rambling again. Back to Basira!
So yeah, her, Daisy and the other officers are pretty surprised to have been called in for a kidnapping case that doesn't seem all that paranormal, but they got the sense that something was off soon enough, especially with the presence of a counter-terrorist firearms squad. They basically got a short briefing, explaining how Callum had been found in the captivity of one Maxwell Rayner, and how that name led to obvious suspicion of cult involvement. Interestingly, it was while the rescue team was in the van when Basira decided to call Jon, and he advised her to bring as many torches as possible. I find this peculiar, because if you recall, there was another creepy static noise that cut her off, and I initially assumed that was Rayner or...just the darkness in general, and while that could still be the case in theory (especially given the sort of...all-consuming nature the darkness exhibits)...I'm honestly not...AS convinced as I was. I think I'll still run with it for simplicity's sake, but it didn't sound like Basira was really near the hideout when she made that call so...I wonder if the thing that cut her off might've been something else. I'll...keep it in mind just in case. Anyways, with a number of torches in hand, the team started their explorations of the two-story industrial complex in Harringay where Callum was suspected to be held. Interestingly, this building was said to be owned by a company called...Outer Bay Shipping. This group, which according to Jon seems to be a shell corporation of some kind, has only been once before, very briefly in Growing Dark. Apparently, (at least in the world of tma), they basically own the small Norwegian town of Ny-Ålesund, which you might recall as being the same one that's home to Optical Solutions Ltd., the group that provided the...cut cameras for Daedalus. Now, given their clear connection to Ny-Ålesund, it definitely seems like The Divine Host has...some sort of arrangement with Outer Bay. My best guess is that they might be meant to transport members of The Divine Host to Ny-Ålesund. (which now that I mention it...I kind of wonder if they're familiar with The Tundra? I mean, The Lukas Family and The Divine Host are implied to be familiar in Personal Space so...maybe?) And on that note...I...kind of find it weird that The Divine Host is even stationed in England at the moment. Natalie Ennis previously implied that they were making...some sort of movement, in what would've been March of 2015, and I assumed that was a migration to Ny-Ålesund due to them chanting its name in Hither Green Chapel, and...them just having a general reason to be there due to the longer nights. But...no, they're still here. Honestly, as interesting as I find them, it's really hard to figure out what the goals or motives of The Divine Host even are, outside of worshipping darkness and...fucking everything up I guess. Oh, uh..back to Basira.
So, each sectioned officer was paired up with one from the firearms squad, something apparently breaching the protocol to a massive degree, which just showed how serious this mission was. Basira was partnered with an officer named Goodman, and the two of them took to exploring the loading dock at the back of the building. They noticed that the street lights were a lot dimmer than they should've been, everything that wasn't directly underneath them being shrouded in darkness. They eventually made their way inside, finding the place decently well-lit, and filled with boxes that...didn't really contain anything especially remarkable. And...that's when a scream was heard. The scream seemingly came from a figure that Basira described as dressed head-to-toe in a black leotard, although...I don't necessarily think this was some ordinary Divine Host member. Not only is their outfit decently different from what we see other members wear later on, but Basira described the scream as...almost animal-like. I find this relevant, because I suggested that the darkness itself was more like a beast of some kind after Exceptional Risk. This makes me think that the person wasn't just a human dressed in all-black, but rather some sort of...humanoid manifestation of the darkness. ...And I get the sense that could be relevant to a theory of mine, not exactly sure in what way but...I'll get to that soon enough. Then again...the figure did seemingly bleed when Goodman shot it, and there are other weird clothes in this episode so...maybe I'm off the mark. Well, either way, Goodman shot the figure, leaving Basira's ears filled with a high-pitched whine for a while, but they still tried to push upstairs after searching the lower floor. But before she could follow, Goodman tugged on her arm to reveal two other nearby officers. One of them was a trigger-happy member of the firearms squad Basira didn't recognize, and the other was Leo Altman, another sectioned officer who Basira was somewhat familiar with. The two of them had discovered a basement that wasn't mentioned in the briefing, and...well, they really had no choice but to go down. And when they did...they discovered the most horrifying thing of all. ...an accidental Deltarune reference. Like, come on. Darkness leaking out of a door as if it were light? Photon readings negative? That's literally just Deltarune. And I absolutely love it. But in all seriousness, Basira mentions that a sound came from behind the door, one that sounded like a crashing waterfall slowed right down. That...does actually sound pretty similar to the static from the phone call, so...yeah, the darkness intercepting her makes more sense to me. Anyways, they open the basement door, and...well yeah, everything goes dark as expected. Thankfully, the officers were able to turn on their torches, but they only illuminated a small area around them, the darkness being thick and oppressive. Basira notes that they never even went through the door, and that there were strange, inky particles in the air that never touched their clothing, but floated around them all as they stumbled around in endless darkness, constantly having to replace torches as they sputtered out. Eventually, the old industrial smell of the Outer Bay complex disappeared. A faint roar permeated through the air the entire time, and Basira feels like she might've been screaming, but couldn't hear it over the choking darkness. Well...that's just swell, isn't it. So yeah, cops are wandering around in the dark and everything is oppressive and super creepy, but don't worry! ...Things get even worse! And I...still find it hard to believe that what I'm about to go over took place in the span of five seconds.
So. ...oh boy. After who knows how long spent wandering around in the darkness, Goodman lands his torch on a tall old man. He's wearing a dark, black robe that seems to move and shift in an unnatural way, his wild white hair covers a scraggly beard...and his eyes are milky white. This is obviously Maxwell Rayner, and tied to a chair next to him is Callum Brodie, his eyes...blank, but not entirely clouded like Rayner's, and his face is locked into a silent scream. Basira sees that Rayner has his thin bony hands raise to Callum...and that a thick, black ink-like substance is pouring from his mouth like a heavy fog, working its way up towards Callum's face, the roaring sound from earlier being revealed to have come from Rayner. Thankfully, Goodman opens fire on Rayner and shoots him square in the chest three times, which....oh my god. I just realized this like...as I'm writing this. ...That is exactly how Gertrude died. ....No, there's NO way that this guy is her killer, there's NO way. Like...I'd be absolutely baffled if that was the case but...I feel like this HAS to mean...something, you know? I just...oh god, I've absolutely opened a can of worms here and...I'll need to think about this one. I um...I'll just leave it here for now...back to Rayner. As he's shot, his robe violently twitches, and all of the black liquid backs off of Callum. Basira swears though that, as Goodman was opening fire, she found herself in a cathedral. It's never specified whether this was just some kind of...weird quirk of the scenario, or if the cops were led so far away from the building that they somehow found themselves there when stumbling around in the dark, but...it's interesting regardless. Still tough, the dark substance continues to pour out of Rayner's mouth, and it ends up hitting Leo Altman's face as he attempts to untie Callum, causing him to howl in pain and start clawing at his face, once again a very bestial thing. I...kind of wonder if maybe this was how Robert Montauk really died? Like, maybe he got touched by this stuff and then...clawed himself to death given all of the scratch marks? I don't know, it's food for thought. Thankfully though, Rayner had been shot dead. Ok...spoilers for later I guess, but even though I don't think he's really dead...that's some pussy shit I'm sorry. You are like...the lord of darkness and you died from three shots to the chest? Get real. After his death, the lights came on in the room, and a woman who was later found to be Natalie Ennis from Growing Dark buried a knife in Altman's throat, before being shot by his partner. ...Rest in peace you wacky roommate, I hope you're eating disgusting spinach in ultra super mega hell. And...that's where it ended. Maxwell Rayner and Natalie Ennis were declared dead, Callum Brodie was rescued but...clearly traumatized, there was no sign of the black dust or ink, and...Altman's body was found with the same milky white eyes as Rayner's. According to Basira, two other members of the church were murdered, and three others were captured, although they haven't revealed anything. And...that's where the story ends. So...let's analyze.
Earlier, I said that my biggest fear that stemmed from this episode was the idea that The Divine Host simply…ends here. That there would be no more relevance from them, and that they wouldn’t be as big of a player as I initially thought. This mostly stemmed from the fact that Rayner “died”, and the fact that Jon…literally says he thinks the story is closed. But after some reflection…yeah, there’s no way that this storyline ends here. First of all, while I’m certain that this whole event has dealt significant damage to The Divine Host, I would be seriously surprised if it actually got rid of them for the good. Given how much influence they have across England, and even other countries overall, and the fact that they’ve had…like, at least 50 members at its peak if all of Robert Montauk’s murders are anything to go off of, I sincerely doubt that four members dying and three being arrested destroyed their entire operation, even if their leader has…at the very least been heavily damaged. (Once again, I will get to why I don’t think Rayner’s actually dead soon enough.) We might not know what The Divine Host’s end goal or purpose is, but I’m sure they’ll come back…eventually, whether in person or in older statements I’m not sure, but I just can’t see this being the end of everything regarding them. Secondly, there are a bunch of unanswered questions still floating around. This was why I was looking at the wiki pages for other episodes centered on The Divine Host, I wanted to compile all of these mysteries and overview them. I’m…just going to list them off now if you don’t mind, so that you have a good idea of what I'm dealing with.
- The ultimate circumstances behind the disappearance of Robert Montauk's wife, and the reasons for him and Julia being haunted
- Almost everything regarding Maxwell Rayner's past, all we know at present is that he was a defrocked pentecostal minister, and likely German.
- Maxwell Rayner's likely connections to Joseph Rayner, the dead soldier from The Piper.
- What Natalie Ennis was referring to when she mentioned "three hundred years waiting" and "Mr. Pitch"
- The complexities of the church's connections to Ny-Ålesund and Outer Bay Shipping
- The true circumstances behind Robert Montauk's death
- Reasons for kidnapping Callum Brodie, and his likely connections to Philip Brown and Caroline Brodie.
- Their likely connection to "Those who Sing the Night"
- Their involvement in the Daedalus Space Station.
- Their likely involvement in End of the Tunnel
And so on. Now, I'm fully aware that chances are, not all of these questions are going to be answered. I mean, the first and last ones could remain eternal mysteries and I'd still be satisfied. On top of that, it's not like Police Lights doesn't give us lore, in fact, i think it might actually make possible answers for some of these questions easier to discern, but the point is that a lot of this has yet to be properly addressed by the podcast itself, and the desire for answers to these questions feel like they're being left to the listener. Ultimately though, I have good faith in Jonny and all of Rusty Quill to not leave most of these unanswered in the end. I still think that despite everything that's happened here, The Divine Host will return in some sort of way, even if it's a little bit more scattered and broken than I initially assumed. But...that's where the big question lies. If The Divine Host returns, will it be more of a...collection of scattered remnants trying desperately to hold on to the cult, or will it return in greater force? Well, while I'm not entirely opposed to the former, and I think it could be done well provided that answers are still given, and it remains plot-relevant...I am honestly leaning towards the latter. I feel like the podcast is trying to bait me into thinking that any future involvement from The Divine Host will be very small, when in actuality...it's going to be a bit more threatening. And it all comes down to the nature and fate of Maxwell Rayner. As the founder and leader of the church, he's probably vital to their survival, hence why his supposed death came as such a shock and a worry to me. But the thing is, after some reflection...I'd be genuinely surprised if he was actually dead. I mean, the withered old man was clearly shot dead, I'm not disputing that...but I don't think that old man was really "Maxwell Rayner", at least...not the one we know. Ok, I'm just going to cut to the chase, no more ominous buildup. Thanks to a Youtube Comment, as well as him reminding me of Emperor Belos from The Owl House (I mean come on, religious imagery, old man with long hair, dark goo, you get it), I think I finally understand what Rayner's deal is. I personally believe that the old man body was just a vessel. That the real "Maxwell Rayner" was probably just a regular guy at one point or another, and that some greater power, the evil cult leader that we all know and...are kind of freaked out by, has been possessing him all this time. And I think that greater power's true form is the dark goo. Rayner isn't a servant of the darkness...he IS the darkness. Not like...in an edgy way, he is just straight up one of ✨the horrors✨, using an old pentecostal minister as a meat suit. Which...really does add to the idea that ✨the horrors✨ are more concious than abstract, so...I'm back at a sort of tie in that regard. And you know, this might actually explain some of the weird timeline stuff with the church. If Rayner really is an eldritch god inside the body of an old man, then maybe he's not the first guy to suffer this fate. Maybe this darkness has like...haunted the Rayner family for years. It possessed Joseph Rayner during World War 1, and then moved over to Maxwell Rayner in the 90s (which might explain why he stopped being a pentecoastal minsiter, although there is another possibility there.) Maybe "Those Who Sing The Night" was an older iteration of The Divine Host, but still ruled by the same being, just in an older body. Maybe whatever the church is planning was attempted before, hence the whole "300 years" thing. Maybe "Mr. Pitch" is actually an alias for Rayner but is like...the true name of the darkness. You know what, I think I'll stick with calling it that until further notice, I like the name. Hell, this would explain why it's even called "The Divine Host" in the first place, because...you know, the leader is a literal host for a divine being. All in all…I think this adds up.
The idea that one of ✨the horrors✨ might’ve been staring me in the face this entire time is…quite frankly terrifying, but also kind of amazing? Like…if I’m on the money here, this would be a really cool idea and an excellent twist. I mean, we’ve already had stuff like the immortal skin book, Amherst’s constant deaths and revivals, and Agnes “perfect botox” Montague, so I don’t think body swapping for immortality is out of the question (also it reminds me even more of Emperor Belos so that’s a personal bonus.) And obviously, this provides a pretty good explanation as to why The Divine Host kidnapped Callum Brodie. Rayner was…clearly a very old guy, and if “Mr. Pitch” needs to keep swapping bodies, chances are its bodies still age normally, so it needed a new one. Either that, or it’s a need to change identity after all the crimes, but like…I mean it’s not rocket science, the darkness was literally climbing into the kid’s mouth, it seems like a pretty clear attempt at possession. I kind of get the sense that maybe Mr. Pitch could have a preference for younger hosts since they obviously last longer (which …kind of makes me wonder if Robert Montauk was driving it back in an attempt to protect Julia from being possessed), although that could interfere with the idea of Maxwell’s possession being his reason for becoming defrocked, and I already threw out the idea that Callum was chosen due to his father’s previous experiences. Either way, I definitely think Mr. Pitch intended on moving over from Rayner to Callum. But that just leaves one more question. …what now? I’m clearly suggesting that even if Maxwell Rayner is dead, the darkness possessing him isn’t, so…where is it now? Well, Basira says there’s no sign of it, so it’s possible that it just kind of…fucked off to who knows where and is possessing someone else as we speak. Alternatively though…it clearly marked Leo Altman, given how he had the same milky blind eyes as Rayner, so…maybe it’s possessed him, and he’s become the new “divine host”? But like, that raises questions as to why Natalie Ennis stabbed him. Maybe she just didn’t see him being possessed, maybe the screaming and scratching signifies he’s unworthy and Mr. Pitch really has gone for someone else, or maybe killing the original person is necessary if you want to use their body. I…honestly don’t know. Maybe Mr. Pitch has gone somewhere else, maybe it’s possessing Leo Altman (which is so, Basira will probably face a VERY interesting reunion sooner rather than later)…I’m really not sure. But at the end of the day…I think it’s very unlikely that this ends here. Maxwell Rayner might be dead, but Mr. Pitch certainly isn’t. There is likely one of ✨the horrors✨ running amok somewhere, planning to get ahold of a new divine host…and that is a very unnerving thought. I REALLY hope this doesn’t turn into another Not!Sasha situation, we’re fucked enough in that regard as is. And even if this black goo really is gone for good…there is no way The Divine Host is fully done for. There’s just too many mysteries. …No matter how much they hide behind darkness, I have faith that light will shine upon them, and we will get answers. …why did I say it like that I’m not trying to write poetry here.
So that's about it on Police Lights. Overall, I thought this was a fantastic episode. The Divine Host remains as one of the most interesting aspects of tma lore to me, so to have more light shed on them (wordplay very much intended) was an absolute thrill. I loved getting more stuff from Basira, the whole atmosphere was really creepy, and it came with some REALLY interesting implications regarding the lore of Maxwell Rayner, The Divine Host as a whole, and the member of ✨the horrors✨ I'm now calling Mr. Pitch. While it did give me some slight worry for the future of the storyline, I think I ultimately came out of it more excited for the future than anything else, and I don't doubt that there'll be more stories and information later on, or that Jonny will be able to pull off something special regardless. But with that aside, we have everything that comes after the statement, which gives us some pretty damn relevant information. So, as mentioned earlier...Basira is pretty damn shook after everything that went down. And she's decided that enough is enough...and that she's quitting the force. Now, despite the fact that I would've done so the second my colleague drowned himself in boiling water if I was her...I ultimately think this was the right decision on her part. Not only because...I mean, it's probably better to not be a cop than to be a cop, but also because I hope it'll give her some safety and solace going forward. I mean...I feel like it's been shown that once you get involved it's hard to get out (I mean, look at the symbolism in Anglerfish), but...hey, at least her job isn't literally unquittable! At least...I think...oh god please don't let that be the case. But yeah, I'm glad that she's at least trying, and even if I can't personally relate...I think it was pretty cool of her to just say "NO" when Jon offered to tell her more about The Divine Host. But unfortunately...her resignation from the force leads to a couple of problems. Firstly, one of the main people investigating Gertrude's murder is just...not doing that anymore, although granted it's...not really like we've learned all that much about the police investigation to begin with, even if I think that's partially due to Jon hogging evidence. Secondly...I mean, Basira trying to get away from it all feels kind of like a death flag...please don't let that be the case. But worst of all is the fact that Jon no longer has easy access to Gertrude's tapes...NOOOOOOO!!!! THAT WAS ONE OF THE MAIN REASONS I WANTED HIM AND BASIRA TO RECONCILE NOOOOOO!!! I mean, I guess there's technically Daisy, but as far as I know she only gave him that tape per Basira's request, and seems to personally hate Jon's guts, so...I don't know where we go from here. For once...I would actually be ok if Jon broke an entering for the sake of knowledge. Well anyways, I wish Basira the best regardless. There are...a couple of other noteworthy things though.
Firstly, Jon mentions that he feels like to leave the institute would to be giving up what little protection he has...which is honestly a horrific thought. Like, he's been eaten by worms and stabbed by Mr. Cryptic, and THAT'S the best case scenario?! ...damn. But secondly, there's something very interesting he brings up. He mentions how strange it is that the police were able to locate Rayner and Callum, given how the former had been hiding pretty effectively for the past two decades, how Basira didn't have any insight, and how the church didn't seem to expect visitors. This makes Jon think that someone on the outside must have tipped the police off, so the question is...who? Well, I've held true for a while that The Divine Host is probably against the eye thing due to their insignia, and The Magnus Institute is obviously connected to that, so...I feel like the person who tipped them off is nearby. And given his power and pre-established connections with the police, as well as the general sketchy vibes...I'm inclined to suspect Elias the most. He might not be doing anything wrong here...but it's strange to think that he of all people would get this involved, given his general attitude. I might be wrong, but..it's the best guess I have for now. ...I'm very conflicted about him either way. Ok, my wrists are in searing pain from typing now, and I should probably go buy a new lamp after this one, goodbye! :)
Supplemental: The People’s Church of the Divine Host:
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Oh, I thought I should also mention that in retrospect, the idea of there being a Rayner family curse or something might not work if Mr. Pitch wished to possess Callum. I think it’s still possible that Callum was exceptional or some sort of desperate measure, or maybe Maxwell just didn’t have any relatives around to possess so they had to switch to a new family, but like…while I still think that Joseph Rayner was a previous divine host, maybe these are just random, unaffiliated people, and Mr. Pitch is simply making up new names for them after possession. Just thought that was worth throwing out there.
- Episode 74, Fatigue 💤
Statement of Lydia Halligan, regarding her insomnia.
WOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! HE’S BACK!!! HE’S DEFINITELY, ACTUALLY SO FUCKING BACK!!! THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE HOLY SHIT!!! AFTER 28 EPISODES HE FINALLY RETURNS I MISSED HIM SO MUCH!!! I DON’T EVEN CARE THAT IT’S NOT IN PERSON I’M SO HAPPY!!! MICHEAAAAAAAALLL!!! Ok…I think I’m…I’m done now. So, aside from the return of my beloved…something, what was this episode actually like? Well uh…holy shit. This was…an absolutely haunting episode through and through. It didn’t tell its story in a traditional sense, instead deciding to reflect numerous vague anecdotes that took place when the statement giver was in an extremely poor mental state, and it reflected said mental state perfectly. And it was genuinely terrifying. It played with unreality and insanity in a genius, yet almost disgusting manner that shook me to my core, and I feel confident in saying that it’s one of the most unique experiences in tma so far. And…if any of that sounds familiar to you, it’s because yes, this episode reminded me a LOT of Hive, which is obviously a good thing. So yeah…I absolutely loved this episode. It might not be like, a Top 10 episode for me, but it’s going to stick with me. I thought it was extremely creative and it scared me absolutely shitless, which is the best thing it possibly could do. But…I’m really only telling you all of this now because…I have no idea how I’m going to properly summarize this one. I’ve slightly messed around with the way I format things for episodes like First Edition, but…I don’t even think THAT will make things easier than that. Hive was abstract sure, but…not to this degree. At least with Hive, I had enough prior knowledge about The Flesh Hive and Jane as a character to get what was going on, but…I can’t say the same for Fatigue. Now, that is FAR from a bad thing, I mean, if an episode contains Micheal of all characters, then making it intentionally confusing and maddening is a genius move, and I think it makes the episode an overall better experience. But…that’s the thing. The episode works best when you experience it, but it’s just vague enough to make summarizing and speculating about it…honestly kind of a nightmare. Like…it’s in this place where I REALLY feel like there’s some important information I can glean from this one, but it’s just so goddamn weird that gaining that information feels possible. That doesn’t really take away from how much I like the episode…but it does mean that this part of the post might unfortunately be a little bit brief. (I mean, whenever I say that it comes out longer than I expected, but I’m letting you know just in case.) I…REALLY wish that I could gush more about this episode, that I could examine everything that makes it so good and come up with some wild theories based on what it gives us, because I honestly think that’s possible! I strongly doubt that this episode isn’t hiding some big secrets right under my nose…but I don’t doubt that I’m not smart enough to find it. I’ll still try my best to formulate my thoughts and glean what information I can, but…I think it’s best if you expect this to be an episode that I…put in the bank for the time being. Hopefully there’ll be a moment later on in the series where I realize…what its deal is, and why and how it’s significant, but for now…I don’t think I have the information or brainpower to do so. Also, ironically enough, I was very sleepy when listening to this episode, so…yeah, maybe my perception is a little skewed. Just know going in that I love this episode a lot, and that I’m not going to entirely write it off as a one-off horror story simply because I can’t glean much from it right now. Well…with all of the preamble out of the way, let’s…try to get into it, I guess. …I can at the very least guarantee that there’ll be at least one instance of me mentioning how much I love Micheal.
So, this statement comes from Lydia Halligan, who is a woman with chronic insomnia. Now, I’d argue that while understanding the deeper complexities, relevance, meaning and reasoning behind her insomnia is difficult, I think the basic crux of…what’s going on with her is pretty easy to understand. For some reason, presumably a paranormal one, she is nearly incapable of sleeping, which has caused her “dreams” to seemingly…blur into reality? If it even is reality? It’s…just vague enough to be up to interpretation. I think the easiest assumption to go in with is that the hallucinations she’s experiencing…aren’t actually real, the only thing that is real is whatever’s causing her insomnia, because it’s just…a bit too extreme to come off as even a worse than usual real-world case of it. However, I don’t think her hallucinations are entirely irrelevant…or just regular tricks of the human psyche, so…I’m still going to keep them in mind just in case. Either way, I’m pretty sure I understand what’s going on with this episode…structure-wise. It’s constantly flip-flopping between paragraphs that have no discernible place in time, either describing one of Lydia’s hallucinations, or something regarding her relationship with sleep, or the lack thereof. The episode opens up with Lydia…basically being as confused, probably more than I am. She’s said that due to both her lack of sleep and her futile attempts to gain it, her waking has been disjointed and her dreams have been vivid, and now they are starting to blur together in reality. So…basically her brain is having trouble distinguishing fact and fiction. I’ve got to say that I’m honestly kind of surprised there were…no follow-up notes regarding any potential sightings of Lydia. Like, it seems like a missed opportunity to maybe…I don’t know, have someone see her wandering around doing weird stuff while hallucinating, but I also wouldn’t be surprised if she wasn’t leaving the house all that much. She then describes what is…presumably her first hallucination. She’s hot and sweaty while lying in her bed, doing nothing but staring at a ceiling fan. Honestly, if it wasn’t for the fact that she mentions her flat not having a ceiling fan when she first moves in, I’d just assume this was a common insomnia symptom, and I feel like that was intentional, because the part where she reveals the initial lack of a fan at the end of the anecdote…that really got to me. Also, despite being arguably the most mundane hallucination, I think this one was one of the scariest to me! It just evokes…a very specific feeling, like, the feeling of waking up in a cold sweat at 3 AM in a quiet dark bedroom, and you want to get up, move around, maybe get some water, but you just don’t have the energy, and your parents are sleeping downstairs in a house with creaky-ass floorboards so you don’t want to disturb them, so you’re just left lying there in your own bodily fluids and don’t get any sleep? You get what I mean? …No? Ok. Anyways, Lydia then goes on to mention how she would always stay up reading as a child, but looks back on those memories as the first sign of early insomnia. The way that this episode makes you doubt its…actual involvement with the paranormal is something I’ll talk about in more detail later, but I’d just like to say that I REALLY liked how this part tries to trick you. It makes you think that maybe Lydia just has a really bad insomnia problem…before it later becomes clearer that’s not the case at all. And then we get to the billboard. Jesus Christ, this billboard is going to haunt my nightmares. It was MADE to be memorable. It’ll obviously show up more later, but for now, it’s…decently normal. It’s slightly rusty, but it shows a coffee advertisement with a smiling woman and rising steam, with the quote “sleep is overrated!” on it. Lydia…does feel like she’s being watched by the woman, but for now it’s just a creepy set piece. Although…I won’t ignore the dissimilarities between that feeling and everything involving the eye monster.
Well, after that vision, Lydia talks about her job as a freelance writer. She goes over how it’s…an admittedly shitty place to be in, but that she always thought it fit her schedule and gave her flexibility. Now though, she sees that it has robbed her of relating to the rest of the world and how it organizes itself, and that…her perception of time is tainted. Once again, the thing that makes this episode so terrifying to me is how…evocative it is. Even if it’s overblown beyond reasonable proportions…I feel like I REALLY get what Lydia’s feeling, the amount of research into the tricks of the human mind that must have been done to make this episode is a crazy thought to me.
And then…we get to the return of the best character(?) ever made. IT’S MICHEAL!!! IT’S HIM!!! HE’S HEEEERRRREEEEE- ok I’ve already done the screaming bit. Anyways, I am of course VERY happy that he’s finally made a substantial return. I will admit that I would’ve really liked another in-person appearance, since I absolutely love how Luke Booys portrays him, but I really cannot complain that much. And I mean, his presence here just further confirms his relevance to me, so I’m getting a lot more certain that he’ll make another major appearance sooner rather than later. Anyways, his presence here is definitely the most intriguing part of the episode to me, and I do actually have a decent bit to say about it, but I’ll just quickly go over his first appearance in Lydia’s hallucinations. Basically, at one point or another, he started showing up in Lydia’s living room, asking how Lydia’s days has been and saying that “names are overrated” whenever she asks for said name (slay king). When Lydia responds by saying she doesn’t know what he means by “day”, he laughs his distorted laugh, and Lydia’s nose starts to bleed. She says that she’s been drawing intricate patterns with…something that isn’t her pen, which is unnerving. Given Micheal’s clear connection to fractals and spirals, I have to assume these are the “patterns” Lydia was referring to. So…yeah, it’s another instance of Micheal being peak chaotic neutral, that’s for certain. Now, Jon questions whether or not Micheal is the direct cause of Lydia’s hallucinations, or simply observing her, but I’m inclined to go with the former. I mean, there’s decent evidence that Lydia had some level of insomnia before this, which I’ll get into, but I think Micheal drove her to…this extreme. This is because, while it’s certainly pretty different from what he did with the door, it..kind of serves a similar purpose. Think about it for a a second. Outside of killing her, his main goal in The New Door was seemingly to just…fuck with Helen Richardson’s mind. It started with the door, where the mere sight of it made Helen question her sanity, and that only continued as she walked through the backrooms, constantly questioning the geography of the place and…how real it all was. And now with Lydia…well, we have a very similar situation, where someone is being driven to question what is real and what isn’t. Micheal ultimately goes at his own rhythm, but if there’s one thing he…at the very least LIKES doing, it’s messing with people’s heads, so him being the root cause of Lydia’s troubles makes a fair bit of sense to me. Even then, I find the idea of him being the cause pretty interesting. Once again, I have more to say later, but…it kind of suggests that he isn’t fully limited to the whole…doors and hallways thing. I mean…at least I think so? There are some minor signs of it later…and Micheal did kind of suggest that he is synonymous with his backrooms on a biological(?) level, so like…I guess they’re here by default. I could argue that Lydia was maybe stuck in the backrooms the entire time, and all of this was just late stage effects of being there, which does kind of fit with the sleep deprivation that Helen felt, but I do kind of doubt that if only for the fact that Lydia’s body was found. But…it’s also kind of implied that Ivo Lensik’s dad was taken by Micheal, and his body was found so…I really don’t know. Do you see why this episode confuses me? There’s clearly a lot of routes to take, and I yet cannot go down any of them. Well, all in all, I’m very excited by Micheal’s return, and I definitely think he’s the main cause of Lydia’s hallucinations. I’ll touch on him a bit more later on, but for now…moving on!
Next, we get more insight into Lydia’s relationship with sleep. She explains that as an academic, she’s often tried to push herself to her limit, counting how many hours she could stay awake and trying to beat her record. She eventually stopped counting, but…never really stopped the “experiments”. …look, I feel really bad for her, but if you want to avoid insomnia and/or door demons, then this is like…the last thing you should be doing, I’m sorry. Something…pretty interesting to me though, is what Lydia says at the end of the anecdote. She mentions how, in comparison to her friends who lacked the capacity to stay up more than 40 hours, she always felt like the longer she stayed awake, the more she…peered into things beyond human comprehension. This is…EXTREMELY cosmic horror-like, and I do actually have a small, yet pretty enticing theory regarding this part, and…really all of the other parts that kind of suggest that maybe, just maybe, the hallucinations are real, and everything else is fake. Uh…ok, wait, I might actually be getting a bit ahead of myself there, let’s just move onto the next dream. So, Lydia recalls a dream where she’s sitting in a café, trying to imagine it as the painting “Nighthawks at the Diner” (omg Hatchetfield reference) despite the grim atmosphere. She drinks her subpar cup of coffee…and spits out a singular, child’s milk tooth that was inside the mug. The waitress named “Vanessa” ignores the tooth, and simply keeps on bringing more coffee. I’m…sure there’s some deep symbolism going on here that I’m just not smart enough to pinpoint at the moment, especially with the coffee billboard, and how Michael’s first appearance was in a coffee shop in mind. I’ll…keep all of this on the radar, but I really don’t have much more to say about it at the moment, other than that I find it really creepy and surreal. Anyways, Lydia goes on to talk about how her lack of sleep has affected her vision. She says the pressure on her eyes makes it go strange, how she sees strange pulsing movements on inanimate surfaces, how her brain is too tired to process the signals the eyes are sending. All of this has even more Micheal and eye-horror vibes, but..Lydia actually says some really interesting stuff here. She mentions a time when she wrote a short story, one that revolves around ghostly creatures that could only be seen by those who had deprived themselves of rest to the point where the mind…opened itself. This, combined with how she talks about our brains just filling in the gaps with lies so that we can make sense of what’s going on…it all makes me think that something ESPECIALLY weird is going on with Lydia, which once again, I will talk about later. It ties into the whole…“the hallucinations are real” thing I mentioned earlier, but uh…I’ll get into it when the time comes. For now, on to the next vision. This one brings back the billboard, except…now it’s much more different. The swirls of the steam are oddly unaffected, but the woman has had her eyes morphed into a glare, and her smile warped into a sneer. It’s soaked and peeling, the rust is much more apparent, and the message now reads…“sleep is for the weak.” …oh dear. Well…I’ll obviously come back to that, but for now, there’s another sleep anecdote. So, Lydia talks more about her relationship with sleep, and how you got through phases of extreme physical fatigue and bursts of manic energy, which she considers to be out of a subconscious desperation. She also described insomnia here as….“like your whole self is trying to push you into bed, but it is covered by a solid granite block.” I felt like this part of the episode is where things became…evidently really paranormal, like, it became clear that this wasn’t just regular insomnia, she literally lacked the ability to sleep…on a fundamental level. And…that kind of ties into the next hallucination.
Micheal returns in this one, except this time, he and Lydia are sitting on a bench in the park. He’s twisting blades of grass into spirals but keeps cutting through them with his knife hands (I still think about how he stabbed Jon for no apparent reason every day), and he says that Lydia looks terrible. Lydia mentions that his body is shifting and undulating when she tries to focus on him, which could be a symptom of the insomnia, but…given what little we know about how Micheal functions, I wouldn’t be surprised if this was actually happening. Anyways, when Lydia tells him she hasn’t slept, Micheal says that’s ok, but she gets the sense that he’s lying. Now, Lydia suspects that this vision displays when she and Micheal first met, and…I’d have to agree. I briefly mentioned earlier that I don’t necessarily think Micheal is like…the full cause of Lydia’s insomnia, he’s just boosted it. I think he saw her in the park when she was just a regular insomniac, and when he did, he decided to make it much worse for her, and this “hallucination” is just a memory of that meeting. And if that’s the case…I just need to point out how weird of him that is. In The New Door, he played the whole “I only kill those who enter my domain” thing (even if he did lure Helen in himself), but unless Lydia did actually enter the backrooms…he’s just acting like “teehee! no sleep for you :3”…because he can. And that…would honestly be very fitting for him. It’s entirely possible that he showed up at another time, and this really is just another common hallucination, but I like this idea the most. Moving forward, Lydia gives another monologue about how her insomnia affects her and..I really don’t have much to say about it. It basically boils down to her just talking about how insomnia affects your physical health, and how she’s lost her sense of time. If I’m being entirely honest…I think the paragraphs that aren’t focused on Lydia’s hallucinations are probably the weakest part of the episode. A good few of them have some VERY interesting information, and the script remains top notch all throughout…but I did feel like they kind of dragged a little bit towards the end. Thankfully, the next hallucination is pretty interesting. In this one, Lydia is running through a city, and she describes the alleyways as “narrow and winding” and mentions that they don’t turn in all the directions that they should. Combined with how she hears Micheal’s laugh around this time, I think this one DEFINITELY had something to do with his backrooms, the similarities are uncanny. Like I said, I don’t think it’s too likely that Lydia was secretly inside there the entire time, but I feel like this vision suggests there was…some sort of encounter with it at one point or another. It’s just…UGH! I CAN’T FIGURE OUT WHAT POINT IT IS OR IF IT REALLY HAPPENED BECAUSE IT’S TOO VAGUE!! But it isn’t confusing in a First Edition way it’s just…I feel like I have no idea what’s even happening with this one. Ok well…that aside, we’re almost done with the summary.
Lydia gives two final anecdotes. The first one is pretty simple. She admits that she cannot show the institute any tangible evidence of her experiences, and that she truthfully doesn’t know why she’s here, outside of the fact that she’s desperate to sleep again. This doesn’t really give much relevant information in my opinion, but I do think it’s a really good example of character writing. I always love it when statement givers don’t really have evidence, but their desperation, the way that their words are framed…it tells you everything you need to know, and I think Lydia is one of the prime examples of that, I really did get a great sense of how much pain she was in. And finally…we return to the billboard. It’s even rustier, the woman looks even more foul, there’s twisted shapes on whatever poster is behind her, and the message now reads…“sleep no more.” And yet, for some reason, the steam coming from the coffee is the exact same. And then, in what might be one of my favorite subversions of expectations so far, it’s revealed that the title of the episode wasn’t referring to Lydia’s mental state…but the fatigue in the billboard, as the rusted metal falls apart, and Lydia collapses alongside it. And…she dies of a most likely Micheal-induced heart attack a month after giving her statement. …damn.
So uh…yeah, that was Fatigue! Sorry if parts of my summary were a little brusque or incoherent. Overall I absolutely loved this episode, I think it’s really well written and masterfully creepy, it plays with unreality in some super phenomenal ways, and best of all, it has Micheal…but MAN does it confuse me. I’m certain there are so many details and bits of symbolism that are completely lost on me at the moment, and really…only time will tell if they end up mattering or not. I mean, this episode definitely matters to an extent…but I feel like that extent might go beyond the surface level. Also, I am ironically still very tired as I’m writing this, so that doesn’t help! Well…I hope that you were able to get some grasp of what I was saying, at the very least. It’s just…as good as it is…this is not an easy one to recap. But, I still really enjoyed it, and I’m excited to see where all of the stuff with Micheal will go. However…disregarding all of that for a minute, I did allude earlier that I was actually able to construct…what I think is a decent theory out of this episode. It’s not an especially big one, and I don’t think I’m quite done fleshing it out yet, but it does build upon some previous ideas of mine…and I kind of want to just…put it out there. So, I mentioned that this episode reminded me a lot of Hive, and while that is heavily due to the poetic and abstract writing, it also stemmed from…the hyper-awareness of the protagonist. What I mean by that is, Jane had this special connection with The Flesh Hive, and because of that, she seemingly had a greater understanding of how it, and likely all of ✨the horrors✨ function. Lydia doesn’t quite have that, since she’s more of a victim of ✨the horrors✨ than a servant…but she has something similar going on. I pointed out a couple of times how I find the parts of the statement where Lydia mentions her…awareness, very interesting. Like, the part where she says that when deprived of sleep, she felt like her eyes had been truly opened, and how the lies her brain tells her to fill in the gaps are now gone, seemingly…allowing her to see an ugly truth. And if we assume that story she wrote is meant to parallel her predicament…she probably witnessed something greater than herself. …I’d like to take you back to Thought for the Day for a second. I’m sure you all remember how I proposed the idea that all of ✨the horrors✨were fear incarnate, which I still think I stick by, but this episode doesn’t really add much to that idea, outside of making me even more sure that Micheal represents the fear of your mind being messed with. However, I did also suggest in Thought for the Day that maybe, JUST maybe, the episode was basically a smaller scale version of tma’s entire plot, and that the world of tma is just one big experiment into fear, likely something akin to a simulation.
So…given how Lydia kind of talks like she’s stared into the face of a great old one…I’m wondering if maybe she saw the truth of the world. Her hallucinations…weren’t actually hallucinations, they were more real than the world that her, and everyone else, thinks is real. Now, if my simulation theory is correct, then this doesn’t say much about the world outside or what the simulation’s purpose and history might be…but it does suggest that maybe, despite how much horrific shit already happens in this world, it becomes even worse when the cracks start to form in the foundation. Other evidence for this might be found in how similar the episode is to Personal Space. Not only did that episode also terrify me, but I strongly speculate that the Daedalus Space Station is actually a simulation (perhaps within a simulation), and not only did Carter Chilcott see many things that may or may not be real, but he ended up getting out of his isolation by depriving himself of a basic human need, except that time it was food instead of sleep, but I could still absolutely see these episodes being parallels to one another. And this is all without considering how MICHEAL factors into this. If he really is the cause of Lydia’s “hallucinations”, and my theory here is correct…then that means he has the ability to show people the truth of the world they live in which is…just a lot to think about honestly. Like, does that mean that Micheal is…some sort of virus? Does that insinuate that he isn’t one of ✨the horrors✨ that might’ve been made to experiment with human fear, and is instead something else entirely? Because that would really work well with the whole “door and hallway that shouldn’t exist” thing, especially if he is just a fraction of larger being that’s further encompassed by his backrooms! Or is he still one of ✨the horrors✨ but like…gone rogue or something? I’m just…I have no idea. Either way, if he does really have this ability, he could be VITAL for understanding some of the greater mysteries. Micheal is obviously very cryptic, and more often than not is extremely dangerous…but that doesn’t mean he can’t be put to good use. He doesn’t seem to be cryptic out of some sort of…lack of knowledge, and if it benefits him, he can actually be helpful towards others, i.e. when he taught Sasha how to deal with The Flesh Hive. If he’s given a good reason to later on…he could reveal some terrifying yet vital information to Jon and the rest of the institute. Oh, and I also mentioned a couple of times that parts of the episode really reminded me of all the stuff surrounding the eyes, and I mean…there does seem to be a “knowledge” theme going on there, so…yeah, it’s possible that thing also factors into this, although I’m not really sure how…yet, at least. Overall, I do think I need more time to flesh this theory out, and a lot of that comes down to how I feel like I’m still missing a lot from this episode…but I might be on to something here. Either that or I’m way off, I’ll just have to wait and see I guess. Well…that about wraps it up on this mindfuck of an episode. …I’m going to lie down now…
…EXCEPT NOT!!! Because of course, we have a supplemental. …I don’t know why I acted like I wasn’t going to talk about this, what the hell is wrong with me? Can you tell that my mental state is declining as I descend down this rabbit hole? I’m so much like Jonathan Sims omg!!!!!!!1111111 Speaking of the silly little guy, while there’s like…nothing really noteworthy post-statement, I did just want to give a round of applause for Jon for fully believing the statement. Obviously he’s been doing that for all of Season 2 at this point, but when HE’S initially more sure of the statement’s legitimacy than I am….yeah, I feel like that deserves special attention. But more importantly, the supplemental…there’s actually some really interesting information here. Due to Basira having her own concerns, Jon’s just decided to deal with the tunnels on his own, which is…maybe not the best decision but…whatever. He’s decided to set up a camera in the archives right above the trap door, to see if he can get any information on the person inside. He notes that it’s remarkably poor quality, and that seemingly diverts suspicion from Elias having difficulties setting up CCTV in the archives…although it does make me wonder why it doesn’t work in the archives in the first place. Regardless, Jon’s seen a couple of people entering and exiting the tunnels, although they’re hard to distinguish. The first is Not!Sasha, who Jon’s seen enter and leave on two separate occasions. That’s certainly concerning and all, but…it’s kind of hard to gauge what she wants when we don’t really know what’s in the tunnels, outside of some burnt books and a mystery man. And…mentioning that, we FINALLY have a vague idea of who’s actually down there! We…don’t actually have their identity, but they’re a male presenting figure around middle-age, and spend about half an hour going through the archives, before stuffing files into a briefcase and leaving. On top of that…they don’t open the trap door normally, instead they…somehow move the solid floor itself out of the way, which is not too dissimilar to what happened to Jon in Too Deep. This person…could be a lot of people. I guess I could go through every middle aged man who may or may not have supernatural abilities in the show so far, but…that would take forever if I’m being honest. I did throw out Elias and Micheal as potential suspects, but Micheal seems to have his own separate thing going on, and if Jon recognized “Sasha”, I would think he’d recognize Elias as well. Ultimately though…I’m not actually too concerned about figuring it out before the reveal. This is because I have very little doubt that this person’s identity will be revealed by the time Season 2 ends, given how much focus has been planted on them recently. And I mean, I only have six episodes left in the season, which is…still absolutely crazy to me, so I’ll just let this one reveal itself, and if by the chance that I don’t learn their identity by the end of the season, I’ll start taking it more seriously when I get into Season 3. For now though…this is definitely progress. Ok, now I’m ACTUALLY going to go to sleep, I think I should make sure that’s something I’m still capable of. Honk shoo mimimimimimi or whatever.
Supplemental: I…I genuinely can’t stop thinking about Police Lights. Like…it just feels like more and more of a milestone the more I think about it, you know? So much of tma so far has been more lore than a moving plot, which isn’t a problem at all, but that just makes an episode that pushes the ongoing, real-time plot forward…THAT much even more special. I’m really excited by it. Oh, I also thought I should maybe give an update on the whole John/Jeffery Amherst situation from my thoughts on The Tale of a Field Hospital. Basically, I ended up learning that any potential harm that could’ve been caused was entirely unintentional on Jonny’s part, and in retrospect…I think some of my nitpicks might have just come from a misinterpretation of John Amherst’s dialogue and motivations. Just wanted to let people know it’s all cleared up now, and that pretty much all of my issues regarding the topic’s involvement in the episode are non-existent now. I’ll still probably keep that part up for history’s sake, but uh…yeah. Just letting people know.
- Episode 75, A Long Way Down🪜
Statement of Stephen Walker, regarding his brother’s disappearance from the top of Tour Montparnasse in October 2006.
You’ve heard of Enjoy Sky Blue, you’ve borne witness to Enjoy Ocean Blue, now gaze upon the one, the only…ENJOY FRANCE BLUE!!! Which to be fair, is arguably the scariest scenario of them all. Anyways, this was another great episode! Like most episodes that seem to deal with The Vast, this one did a great job at triggering my own vertigo, even if it’s not the scariest example so far, it still did a great job! It had a pretty interesting main duo, brought back some plot points that I’m VERY excited to see make a return, contained some really vivid and freaky imagery, and also had a lot of really interesting things that came after the statement itself, all of which got me really intrigued and excited for the future. I…don’t really have much more to say, since this one was actually pretty standard affair so uh…yeah! Time for another Mike Crew episode! …I find it kind of funny how the two most prominent Micheal’s have a track record of episodes appearing back to back, first 46 and 47, and now 74 and 75. But like, I’m sure that doesn’t mean anything, right? …right? Yeah…I regret to inform you that by a twisted rule of fate…that theory hasn’t entirely died yet…oh dear.
So, starting off we have a…rather grim opening. This statement comes from Stephen Walker, a man who’s recently lost his brother…at least he hopes, because apparently he’d be much better off dead which is…yikes. Now, while I certainly sympathize with Stephen to an extent, let me just say…this guy kind of sucks. Not like, in terms of writing, I’ve said many times before that I like the statement givers who aren’t great people, but like…yeah, he’s just not all that good of a guy! I’ll go into why I think this throughout the post, but…for now, let’s just say that Lost Johns’ Cave has made me significantly more intolerant and terrified of toxic siblings in tma. …One is not the same after Lost Johns’ Cave… Well, regardless, I still feel kind of bad for the guy, since he DID lose his brother. And I mean…at least the death doesn’t seem…planned like that of Alena Sanderson…sorry, I can’t get too wrapped up in thinking about that one, or else I’m going to have nightmares. Anyways, after saying “deep down I know that’s not my brother”, therefore making me thing that his brother had an encounter with a particular table for a hot second, Stephen starts to tell us his story. Ever since childhood, his brother Grant possessed a fear of heights…so you know he’s well suited to be in this podcast. He always tried his best to climb trees, full of bravery and lacking in survival instincts, but would always get terrified as soon as he was halfway up. He was usually fine with lifts and tall buildings, had some trouble with stairs and windows where you could see the surface getting further away, but…he had a particularly bad fear of ladders. Which honestly, I completely get. Ladders are one of the most terrifying inventions ever conceived, like…was it that hard to make stairs that you can just fold and unfold? I mean…yeah probably, but like…WHY DO THE RUNGS HAVE TO BE SO SMALL I HATE IT SO MUCH. Well anyways, the phobia didn’t affect Stephen and Grant’s life that much prior to his death, but they still had their fair share of problems. Grant had been fired from his job at Deloitte a couple of years prior to the events of the statement, and since Stephen had a spare room after a break-up, and Grant had no money…well, you can imagine that the latter started crashing on the former’s couch. This is…kind of where the first signs of a not-so-great sibling relationship become apparent. I mean, what Stephen says here isn’t unreasonable, it’s ok to be annoyed if you’re roommate (who you didn’t really ask for at that) isn’t contributing much, and I can get behind the “better when we’re apart” idea…but it’s still just bad vibes. Partly due to, once again, what Lost Johns’ Cave has done to my brain chemistry, but like…I don’t know, calling your brother who is either dead or being tortured for all eternity an “indentation on the sofa”…it’s just not the best look. But yeah, Grant was struggling to find a job that could make use of his specific skill set for quite a while, and Stephen wasn’t exactly thrilled about the new living arrangement. It’s around this point though, that Stephen mentions he…couldn’t have known what would happen to Grant, despite his feelings towards him. Apparently, Grant’s disappearance was due to…a man with a lightning scar who Stephen vows to kill…and that’s where I start to get very excited. (Also like…you’re going to KILL him?! Like, I can respect the determination but…you, you of all people, plan to kill Mike fucking Crew? Even if I liked Stephen I’d be telling him to get real here.)
So, things started to get kind of...weird around a year prior to Grant's disappearance, just after Halloween. Him and Stephen had been out partying the night before, but both of them either lost or didn't have their keys, leading to a messy argument on their front lawn. But after a few minutes, Stephen notices that Grant has left his window slightly ajar, and takes that as an opportunity. Although, he says he would usually take that as an opportunity to remind Grant about the possibility of burgulars, which like...shut the fuck up! The chances of that happening are so slim, like...GOD, they did a great job making this guy as unlikable as possible. He...REALLY reminds me of some people I've had to deal with, the kinds of people who will literally find any opportunity to make it seem like you messed up, even if doing so doesn't benefit anyone at all. Thank god his girlfriend broke up with him, I hope she's living her best life. Ok well, him being shitty aside, he decides to go to their…honestly just as shitty neighbor, and asks for a ladder since he’s a builder. Obviously, Stephen is the one who goes up the ladder first, but as soon as he reaches the window, he “coincidentally” falls off, careening to the ground with a broken arm and a broken phone, so they can’t easily call an ambulance. After knocking on nearby doors to see if anyone was available, and getting no responses…it ultimately became clear that Grant would have to go in himself. …I just find it absolutely heartbreaking, but also kind of hilarious that all of this, and I mean…ALL of this, including what’s to come, could’ve been avoided if one of them had keys available. That is…deeply upsetting, but so damn comical. But uh…yeah, Grant climbs up in a…genuinely uncomfortable scene with how well it’s described, but as he does…Stephen notices a man on the other side of the street. He looked short and young, yet with an old grey suit and undone short buttons…revealing a lightning scar climbing up the side of his neck. So yep! Mike Crew is back in action! You know, for as much as I greatly anticipated any sort of return from….the other Micheal, I really never talked about how much I wanted this guy to come back. I mean, I do like Micheal quite a bit more, partially due to the fact that I’ve actually heard his voice, but I really wish I talked about this guy more, since I’ve found him super interesting ever since his proper debut in Literary Heights (which is still a top tier episode by the way). So yeah, it’s great to have him back! On one hand, I’m glad that he didn’t get stuck in Ex Altiora and burned to death by Gerard (who also hasn’t shown up in a long-ass time now that I think about it…bring the goth guy back please…), but on the other hand, I am terrified to know that he is no longer a poor tortured university student…and is basically young brooding Simon Fairchild instead. …We’ll get to that. Oh yeah…I also guess I should address what this means for my “every Micheal is the same guy” crack theory…I’ll also get to that later. Just know for now that as unlikely as it is to come true…I refuse to stop committing to the bit until I’m absolutely forced to. Well, going back to the plot, Stephen notices that Mike’s eyes are fixated on Grant, and that whenever he looks back at Mike (uh, Stephen, not Grant, I hate scenes with three people that share the same pronouns in it istg), he feels as if he’s fallen from a great height, but it fades every time he looks back at Grant. Well, Grant thankfully makes his way inside (what the hell dude your brother with horrible acrophobia made it in while you didn’t what is up with that), and Mike runs away. I…definitely think it’s safe to say that Mike was the reason Stephen fell and broke his arm, and probably intended to do the same to Grant if he hadn’t gotten inside first. Which…might’ve honestly been a better fate than what actually happened to him. Well anyways, Grant comes out the front door with his phone in hand, and calls an ambulance. And after some time passes, we get to late 2006…and that’s when things all went wrong.
Over time, things started to get better. Grant was lucky enough to get a job in a different department at Deloitte, started offering to cover the rent for a few months, and…all of that was enough to get Stephen to begrudgingly let him stay with him. (but not without complaining about him yet again GOD DAMNIT HE LITERALLY JUST DIED…or worse) But in the late Summer of 2006, Stephen starts planning for a trip to Paris, which Grant…comes on without asking. Ok…I’ll give you that one Stephen, that is actually pretty annoying, and…somewhat relevant to his fate. It didn’t help that Grant had recently got fired again, never allowed to join Deloitte again. Although…he did get fired for smoking weed, so…maybe he could’ve had better luck with The Magnus Institute, I think the CEO would’ve really liked him! Although…it’s probably for the best that he didn’t join a place that’s constantly haunted by worms, changelings, door man things and/or an eldritch god, which you’re also incapable of leaving for whatever reason. …Writing all of that down makes me realize how fucking weird this podcast is. Well, getting back to the plot, Stephen begrudgingly lets Grant come, using what little sympathy he has for his brother up. Unfortunately, using that sympathy up led him to doing something extremely stupid! Yay! (I know with how frustrated I am you might assume I don’t actually like this episode, but believe me, I DO, having such an insufferable protagonist is what puts this episode in the place where I keep important memories lol.) So…for some unholy reason, when they get to Paris, Stephen decides to take Grant up to the Tour Montparnasse. You know, that ugly-ass skyscraper, the highest point in all of Paris? What the fuck dude?! Yeah, I get that sibling pranks are a thing, but not only are you a grown (barely) adult, but that is a NEW level of cruel. Your brother had chronic vertigo and acrophobia, you’ve already had a weird-ass experience involving heights due to the sexy sky man, and yet…you somehow think this is a good idea? …HOW?! That is SO PETTY. Ok…if I think about this any longer I’m just going to get mad, so what actually happens up there? Well, Grant is obviously terrified as they head up the elevator, choosing to sit down as far away from the observation terrace as he can when they reach the top. Stephen is having the time of his life though, both due to the view and Grant’s despair which he finds oh so delicious…but he gets a scare of his own. He feels that same falling sensation he felt when he first met Mike, and after slamming himself into the barrier and landing on his hands and knees…he sees him again. Stephen’s breath is caught in his chest, and he notes that Mike…looks oddly bored? On one hand, the fact that a guy who does…what he’s about to do is so neutral to his actions is both terrifying and badass, but I also find it kind of funny? Mike is the second person we’ve seen who seems to connect to the being known as The Vast, but in contrast to Simon Fairchild, who comes off as having the time of what little life he probably has left whenever he tosses people into the void…Mike just doesn’t care. I don’t know, I find the difference a little amusing. Well, back to being serious, Stephen is pulled up by a couple of tourists, but he notices that Mike is now gone…and so is Grant. Grant…isn’t anywhere, not in the lobby, on the streets, he’s nowhere to be seen. He doesn’t get to charge his dead phone until he gets back to the hotel (both of these brothers could really learn to prepare better before going out, I’m just saying), but when he does charge it, he finds dozens of missed calls and nearly four hundred texts…all from Grant. Most of the texts are scrambled, but the ones that are readable are asking where Stephen, anyone and the elevators were. One picture, the only one that isn’t all too corrupted, shows the edge of the skyscraper, but now there’s no barrier…and a ladder. And whenever he tries to call Grant…all he hears is rushing wind. As cool as Mike is…I haven’t been this glad a fictional character isn’t real for a while.
So, that’s A Long Way Down. Another great episode all in all. The way it portrayed an unhealthy sibling relationship was really well done, it did a great job at bringing out my fear of heights, and the return of Mike Crew makes me extremely happy. I…don’t really have much more to say about it, it’s just another solid episode among…a lot of solid episodes. …wow I love this show. As for analysis, well….most of my theories stemming from this episode come from what we get after the statement, although I guess I should take a quick look at Mike first, just going a little bit deeper than I did while recapping. So yeah…turns out he didn’t die! A lot of people thought that due to the Lichtenberg figure only appearing in Ex Altiora after he stole it, chances are he got stuck inside the book, meaning that…he was probably dead. Now, while I personally took the route of my Micheal crack theory…deep down I thought this was pretty logical, made even more logical thanks to First Edition revealing that you can get stuck in…at least one Leitner. But nope, turns out he survived! Now, since he seemingly gave himself to The Vast, I think it’s safe to say that either gained the ability to fly, or the ability to fall without issue after jumping out of that window, and now, he’s basically doing what The Fairchild Family does, just on a smaller scale. So…that’s great, there’s just…two guys throwing people into the void now. …Or is there? Because, I mean…this statement took place in 2006, over a decade prior to where we are now…so maybe Mike isn’t alive. Or…maybe he isn’t alive as we know him. Yeah…I regret to inform you that I’m not giving up on my Micheal-related theory just yet. Once again, I STRONGLY doubt that this theory is true. Chances are, Mike is still alive as a servant of The Vast to this day, he is completely separate from Micheal, and I’m absolutely crazy. I mean, I’ve already given a bajillion suggestions as to what Micheal might actually be, and all of them are probably more plausible than this. But I’m still going to throw it out there, simply because…it’s funny. Like I said, I am committing to the bit until I physically can’t anymore. So, I was fully prepared to give up on the theory right here, right now. It just…seemed like the podcast was intent on making Mike a threat that would come into play later on. But then…Jon comes along, and said something very interesting. If you don't recall, the basic gist of my Micheal theory was that some sort of unknowable horror was...absorbing various people, and that all of the people named Micheal who have featured somewhat prominently were among these absorbed people, with the big-handed blondie we all know and love being the result of that. This theory spawned because in Literary Heights, Mike is seen being pursued by some sort of pattern in the sky, and I thought it was described in a similar manner to that of a fractal, which I found notable since...fractals are one of Micheal's recurring motifs. And wouldn't you know it...Jon straight up calls that pattern, both the one on Mike's chest and the one chasing him...a fractal. This is...absolutely hilarious to me. Because it means that even if my theory isn't correct, Mike and Micheal have, at the very least, some sort of tangible connection beyond just their names. That's just...wow. But you know what? I REFUSE to settle down here. This is enough evidence to make me continue milking this concept for as much as it's worth. Because I. LOVE. MICHEAL.
Sure, Mike might not have been absorbed right after the events of Literary Heights, but who knows? Maybe he took refuge in The Vast for a while, and then Micheal eventually caught up with him? Sure, Micheal probably existed before this statement, if the fate of Ivo Lensik's father is anything to go off of, but maybe Mike just hadn't been absorbed back then. Sure, maybe I initially proposed that Mike was running from The Vast and it caught up with him, which would mean that Micheal and The Vast are the same thing, but maybe it's different. Maybe the pattern in Micheal and Ex Altiora is what connected Mike to the vast....although the whole lightning thing seems a lot more associated with The Vast...hm. Ok, I'll admit that's either a currently unsolvable mystery, or a hole in my argument. But I don't care! I. HAVE. ENOUGH. This theory is not going to be proven true. Mike Crew and Micheal...something are probably completely different people. But I refuse to give up. Because if I do....then I have failed my solemn duty of committing to the bit.
So uh...outside of my growing insanity, there are quite a few other interesting things found after the statement. Jon takes the opportuinity to talk a little bit about Leitners, or more specifically, how they affect the people who read them. While some just die, others get connected to ✨the horrors✨, Mike and Jared Hopworth being clear examples. And Jon says here that...the people who read them don't just change their actions, but who they are, and rather than them wielding the power, the power wields them. ...This is very interesting to me. I should preface this by saying that personally, I don't think there's that much of a difference between people who become "marked" by reading Leitners, and people who become "marked" through...literally any other method. We've seen it happen in so many different ways, from wasps nests in attics to experiments into ESP, and while I do think all of these transformations are united under something common (probably fear and/or resonance)...I don't think Leitners are all that special. They are just one of many ways ✨the horrors✨ mess up people's lives. But going past that...I find Jon's comment interesting due to recent events. Because, you know how I suggested that Maxwell Rayner was ACTUALLY the darkness that The Divine Host serves, just switching between a variety of possessed bodies. ...Well what if that's not exclusive to him. What if that goes for...everyone who's been "marked"? Because, we haven't really seen many of these weirdos in person, only getting descriptions of their personalities that are...just telling enough to the point where the listener can get a sense of their vibe and overall premise, but they're stil vague. The only person of this manner we've seen so far is Jane, and honestly...she fits the manner of "possessed" perfectly, given the whole hivemind thing she had going on. Sure, we also have Not!Sasha and Micheal, but Not!Sasha falls into this category where...I really don't know what she is, outside of the fact that she's most likely connected to The Anglerfish, The Other Circus and all of that fake stuff, and Micheal...well, I think he is actually just one of ✨the horrors✨, even if there is some...elements of humanity within him. The point is...I wonder if this entire time, ✨the horrors✨ have been showing up a lot more frequently than I thought. And like...that's really interesting to me, because if my line of thinking is true...can I really view these things as eldritch gods anymore? Because by this logic, a character like Agnes is being possessed by a Sumerian fire demon, meaning...a Sumerian fire demon had a tragic coffee shop romance. Well...whatever the case, I just find this single line from Jon interesting, and I think it might really help when it comes to understanding...just what the hell is even happening.
Ok...and now to the last scene. Well, before I get into the real meat, I did want to point out something a little bit strange. So, Jon starts comparing the statement to the story of Robert Kelly, the skydiver who got eaten by the sky. I don't think I really need to explain why he says this, since both are obviously connected to the same force, but...as he starts talking about this, the audio, and Jon's tone, suddenly change in a really abrupt manner. It's possible this was just an editing mistake, given how we hear a door open and a new voice just after this shift occurs...but given the usual quality of the audio, as well as how creative they like to get with effects like static (I mean, these ARE the people who used pasta to make worm sound effects)...I just have to wonder if there's maybe a greater meaning here. Given how devoted tma is to its framing device, as well as the...strange oddities surrounding the tapes from a story perspective, not to mention the archives and the institute as a whole...I'm obligated to keep an eye out for things like these. I don't have any clue as to WHAT it might mean, I just thought it's worth noting. But that aside, we get a surprising return from Basira, not too long since her last one. And....OH MY GOD SHE PULLED THROUGH. SHE DID EXACTLY WHAT I WANTED HER TO AND MORE. HELL. YES. So, to the surprise of...unfortunately no one, the police are covering up what happened during Rayner's attempted arrest. They're trying to frame Officer Altman's death as part of a botched drug deal, and have no issue getting Basira out of their hair. This has caused her to lose all faith in them, and that includes their ability and willingness to solve Gertrude's murder. So...she did the unthinkable. She didn't just give Jon a new tape...she gave him ALL OF THEM. Well, at least as many as she could get her hands on, but still. FUCK YEAH!!! SHE'S SO COOL!!! This is just...absolutely fantastic news. I was SO worried as to whether or not Jon was going to get the tapes after she quit, but this...it's better than I could've ever imagined. And apparently, Daisy's the only other person who knows, so hopefully Jon shouldn't have to deal with repercussions for holding onto the tapes. This is SO exciting to me. As per tradition, it makes me think the next episode will be a Gertrude tape, but like...what if ALL the remaining statements in Season 2 are Gertrude tapes? Not necessarily all the remaining episodes, as I'm sure some Infestation-esque shenanigans are bound to occur, but like...the actual statements. Granted, it definitely sounded like Basira gave more than three or four, so I do think that these tapes will carry into Season 3, but either way...AAAAAAHHHHH I"M EXCITED. Hopefully Basira also gets away with this fine....but man. What a legend. ...I am so not prepared for these final five.
Supplemental: Well...I'm halfway through the post now. Given everything that's been happening recently...I get the feeling we are about to enter some dark-ass waters. Maybe some of the episodes will be decently chill (I mean, the episode before Infestation was the fucking homophobic vase one)...but just in case, I want to outline some brief predictions for the finale. I don't think these are going to change much in the final pre-finale episodes, so I feel pretty comfortable putting them out here now. So uh...here you go.
- Given all of the buildup, I think that Jon will finally become aware of the truth behind Not!Sasha. This could potentially be done through Melanie, although given how she’s only appeared once throughout the entire season, briefly at that, I’m kind of leaning towards the tunnels, or maybe even Elias being the thing that reveals the truth. I guess Micheal also knows but…good luck getting him to give any answers. As for what she might do after being found out…that’s a whole other can of worms. A can of very scary flesh eating STD-adjacent worms.
- Mentioning the tunnels, I think we’ll definitely get some insight into what their whole deal is, which also probably means some Robert Smirke lore? I’m also certain that we’ll learn the identity of the guy living there, as I mentioned earlier.
- I’m definitely sure at least one more Gertrude tape will come before the finale, and that’ll come with some very vital information. Said information might be the big clue towards uncovering her killer (who I still think is either Elias, the person in the tunnels, both, some eldritch monster, or someone affiliated with a cult), and I think the killer will be revealed by the end, since it’s kind of been the big mystery of the season. If not, then maybe it’ll carry over into Season 3.
- I think the death-aligned being I’ve been referring to as “The End” since First Edition will play a significant role, given how there’s been quite a few episodes that seem to surround it recently. I also definitely think that Leitners will somehow be relevant in the finale, given how much they’ve been mentioned both in and out of statements all throughout the season (…stupid idiot motherfu-), and when you combine those two…maybe some Keay family lore is due as well. Perhaps that’ll come from a Gertrude tape, and we’ll learn what was up with that page Mary gave her.
- The archival assistants and Elias have been weirdly absent since Thought for the Day. I definitely think this is intentional, and is meant to show how Jon has been driving them away, but I’d be surprised if they didn’t all show up for the finale. I also think Basira will come back one last time (at least for this season), and she might even bring Daisy along with her.
- Micheal…maybe…please…
- And finally, I just think that there’s going to be some really big changes to the status quo. If Gertrude’s killer is in the institute as Jon seems to believe, that’s one thing, but given how this season has been really intent on making it clear that the institute is just as paranormal as everything else, I think any potential answers regarding that weirdness could be…pretty earth-shattering. I also get the feeling that the narrative will become a lot more…centralized? Like, there’s a lot of running narratives seen in statements, and many of them have been converging as time goes on, all fitting into the grander narrative, yet very few of them have actually had a tangible effect on the institute yet. I have to assume that’ll change sooner rather than later so…yeah, I just feel like there’ll be some big changes going forward.
Well, that’s all my last-minute thoughts. Here’s a picture of my initiation into The People’s Church of The Divine Host, just for good(?) luck as I go into the final five. See you on the other side :)
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- Episode 76, The Smell of Blood 🚃
Statement of Melanie King, regarding her further researches into war ghosts. Statement taken direct from subject.
Well...I guess I'll eat my damned words then, jeez. So...huh. Right after I make the shockingly bold proclamations of "next episode will definitely be a Gertrude tape" and "Melanie might not be super important"...they throw this at me. Is this karma or something? What did I do? Did I bully Stepehen Walker too much? Or is Rusty Quill trying to fuck with me by debunking my "final predictions" as quickly as possible? Well, regardless of what the answer is...THIS EPISODE WAS SO FUCKING GOOD!!! While I was starting to doubt whether or not she'd return by the end of the season, that doesn't change the fact that I'm SUPER happy Melanie returned, she's always been one of my favorite side characters, so getting not only a prominent return, but yet another full blown statement from her is the best case scenario. ...Even if I'm a little bit concerned about whether or not we'll see her again but...I'll get to that later. Outside of her return, the episode had some really creepy imagery, giving off the vibes of something you'd hear about on a ghost tour or...funnily enough, a UK paranormal documentary, and it obviously pushed the story into...what is indisputably season finale territory (glad to say that I'm probably right with at least one prediction), and this episode made me REALLY happy when you pair it with how I've tried to make sense of ✨the horrors✨. I have...quite a fair bit to say, both in terms of my recap and analysis....so I'll just jump on in right now. And maybe I should bother to learn what a "Buzzfeed Unsolved" is...
Ok, before I get into all of this, can I just mention how insane it is that this statement takes place on February 13th, 2017? ...Ok that was a weird way to phrase it. What I'm trying to say is that the whole incident with The Divine Host took place on February 10th, meaning that over just four days, Jon has dealt with five different statements, two of which were given by people he knows personally to some extent, and has also had to deal with the implications of said statements, all of the tapes that Basira just got him, and now the realization that something is very wrong with one of his coworkers. ...I mean, I know his life hasn't been all that pleasant since Martin's statement, but...all of that in this short of a timespan? Poor guy. Well, with that aside, on to the actual content of the episode. So, while Jon was trying to figure out which of Gertrude's tapes to listen to first, Melanie suddenly returned after getting the information she needed from the institute's library, and is now ready to give a statement regarding the aftermath of her time filming at CMH, and her arrest after breaking into the Rotherham train graveyard. I...honestly feel kind of stupid for assuming she wasn't going to come back before the season ended. Like, come on me, there was no way they were just going to ignore those "weird things" she mentioned. Well anyways, Melanie's here now, and Jon isn't that happy about it, due to his need to investigate the tapes. Ah...how I longed for the banter between these two to return. Although oddly enough...I kind of think they could work well as friends? I'll get to that later, but going back to Jon, he's initially dismissive...until Melanie reveals a large scar on her shoulder, saying it came from a 1940s surgical scalpel. So, he ultimately lets her make her statement. It begins with a more detailed description of what happened to Ghost Hunt UK after their encounter with Sarah Baldwin at the Cambridge Military Hospital. Sarah had went missing a few months after the shoot, but oddly enough, despite her whole skin peeling and stapling thing, Melanie says that she wasn't as hung up on that as she was...the hospital itself. She says she felt a presence in there, implied to be separate from Sarah and The Anglerfish, and that said presence was likely the thing that attacked the former. This is...very intriguing to me. When I initially wrote about Skintight, not only was I much less detailed, but I was so focused on The Anglerfish coming back that I neglected to mention...how weird the hospital itself was. Sarah was oddly concerned about going inside, apologizes for "unintended trespassing" at one point, and Melanie mentions paint that looked like blood, and a phrase spray-painted over a mural that read..."silk will not stitch the butcher's meat". And...quite a bit of that is very reminiscent of what happens in this episode, beyond the fact that both of them star Melanie. I'll do a deeper dive into this topic later on, but for now...I'll just say that I don't think The Anglerfish was the only spooky thing in Skintight, Sarah Baldwin might've been attacked by something else, and...I get the feeling that Melanie's gotten into some really deep shit. Like, the similarities between her two statements are so noticeable that i have to believe she's either become haunted (or..."marked", even), or that there is just something...deeply, innately wrong with her. Well, aside from her being a youtuber and a meme, that is. Anyways, back to the summary.
So yeah, things hadn't been going well with Ghost Hunt UK. The incident at CMH had been tearing them apart, and multiple people were deciding to quit, with many of them doing so unofficially, or without even telling Melanie. She actually went back to the hospital at one point, but unfortunately didn't find anything. ...Ok maybe Sarah and The Anglerfish were the only weird thing going on here, but like I CAN DREAM OK. Maybe the reason she didn't find anything is because by classic ghost logic, if you go out of your way to look for something weird, the chances of you finding it are pretty slim. It finds you, not the other way around, something that is even evident later in the episode. Well, when she couldn't find anything, she decided to look into similar places, mostly other military hospitals, but really...anywhere that was known as "haunted" and had a connection to historical conflicts. It was then that she realized...basically everyone in her field looked in the same places, constantly retracing each other's steps and coming to the same conclusions, at least in The UK but...even in countries like America, it's apparently not much better. Melanie initially assumed this happened in order to avoid anything that might be fake, but nowadays...she thinks it's to avoid anything that's far too real. But Melanie was determined. Her encounter with Sarah was arguably the most significant thing that ever happened at CMH, so...when she discovered a whole truckload of spooky places and stories that her coworkers had entirely avoided...she unfortunately decided to dig deeper. This caused all of her friends to start distancing themselves from her, likely because they...felt like she was going to get herself hurt, and that they would be subjects of a mysterious spooky death story if they didn't just give up and leave. ...yikes. Well, as unfortunate as that is, it still didn't stop her. She started going on various online forums looking for leads, going off the beaten (and safe) path in hopes of finding some answers on the...weird presence she felt. She eventually learned how to peel out the real ones, or at the very least, the ones that the writers think are real, as they were always the ones that...never really had any resolution or narrative flow. ....This single comment she gave somehow sent me into a minor rabbit hole. I'll keep this brief, but when I first heard that quote, I found it kind of ironic since...all of the statements we hear have good narrative flow, and are supposed to be real in the context of the show. I mean, it's not a problem, I'd obviously rather the podcast has good structure than bad structure, but I thought there was some irony behind the comment. But then I realized...the statements are probably only a small fraction of paranormal encounters. Like, statistically speaking, there are probably hundreds and hundreds of spooky incidents in this world that DIDN'T have narrative flow, and probably ended in much more bleak and grim ways. Because everyone who gave a statement lived long enough to do so, but...that probably doesn't go for the majority of people who've fallen victim to ✨the horrors✨ in the past. I just wanted to talk about that, because I thought it was really cool how what initially started as a line potentially worth critiquing, ultimately got me to appreciate the writing even more, and start thinking about...just how many incidents that are entirely heard of have occurred, because it's not like everyone in the world is in close contact with, or even knows of the institute. It's just...man, this is a damn good show!
This comment also got me thinking about...how weird it is that everyone is able to give a perfect account of their experiences. I already kind of thought it was weird in the cases of characters like Daisy, but...it's just getting very strange to me how all of the statements are perfectly told to us, despite coming from so many different kinds of people. It's probably just for the sake of writing a compelling story, which if so is completely understandable, and I'm willing to suspend my disbelief if it means the script stays this consistently good. But...like I've said before, I'm inclined to be suspicious of almost everything this podcast throws at me, and the structure is no exception. If the perfect recounts of these incidents really are something worth keeping in mind...then I have to say, I find it really weird that a homeless drug addict who nearly died of lung cancer was able to give not only a very well written statement, but one that was twice as long, maybe even longer that the average one. ....Wow that was a hell of a side tangent. Holy shit I need to get back to the plot. Uhhhh...Melanie is on the interwebs, yeah! So, after some digging, she eventually came across...quite the interesting lead. She found a guy on a forum who claimed to work at the C.F. Booth scrap metal and recycling yard, a place located in Rotherham that happens to be one of the biggest train graveyards in the UK. He worked there scrapping the trains, but there was one train that for some reason, was never on queue to be scrapped, and had seemingly been there since The 1950s. On top of that, every time he got near it...he smelled blood. For some reason, even though it didn't seem all too different from all of the fake stories floating around...this one stuck with Melanie, so she decided to go see some family up in Sheffield, and make her way to the train graveyard from there. It's around this point where Melanie mentions how while she should've turned back, she didn't out of a desire to be assured that what she saw at CMH was actually real, and Jon claims he knows the feeling. Not much to say about this really, but I'm happy that my analysis of the parallels between these two and their stories was proven correct, and that hopefully...maybe they can bond over that in the future. Regardless, after spying on the security and cameras for a few nights, Melanie finally managed to sneak her way into the train graveyard. She eventually came across what the forum poster had described; a large steel boxcar with a curved roof, a windowless sliding door, and specks of olive paint scattered across it. And wouldn't you know it...the smell of blood permeated from it, getting stronger as she got closer, and guiding her through the night better than her own eyes. As she got closer, Melanie swore she could see figures in the other cars, but they were never there if she glanced back. Like I said, classic ghost story shenanigans. Eventually, she got up to the car, the smell of blood being at an almost choking level. When she went up to the doors, her torch landed on a serial number surrounded by more specks of olive paint, which she says reminded her of the army. After noting the number down, she went inside...and that's when things got a bit TOO bloody. (Fun fact, I tried tasting a bit of my own blood after I got a small cut not too long ago. Unfortunately I found it pretty bland, so chances of me being descended from vampires just went way down :/.)
When Melanie first opened the car, it was dark and featureless as expected. But then she directed her torch to the floor and....oh. Blood. Who could've seen that one coming. As she followed the stream, she landed upon an old hospital bed, colored in the same army-green as the specks of paint. On top of it was a white body bag with...ominous black stains at the bottom (which is oddly Rayner coded to me if I'm honest, but probably means something else), and as most ghost stories with body bags go...it started to move. Melanie tried to run, but as soon as she did, a new figure, one that looked like a war medic in his mid-twenties, came charging in, and...began to stab the body bag with its scalpel, over and over again. Melanie notes that his eyes weren't normal, that they lacked everything that made a person human. All that was there was a lust for violence, carnage and blood. ...The mention of eyes in general is certainly interesting to me. Unfortunately, the look in his eyes was enough to distract her from his oncoming charge. That's...obviously how she got the scar on her shoulder. Her scream from the pain was seemingly what alerted the guards, and well...we already know the rest. She was technically arrested, but got sent to the hospital for her wound, and as expected, no one believed her. ...If only Basira was the cop there, she would've been cool about it. Oh, Melanie also became a meme for a short while, which leads to one of the funniest parts of the podcast so far, where Jon defends his knowledge of memes when Melanie questions him. I choose to believe that he was bullshitting it, and has absolutely no idea what they actually are but...to each their own I suppose. But...it didn't actually stop there, as there's a reason as to why Melanie didn't immediately give another statement.
So, despite everything that happened, she continued digging, such is one's fate as a parallel to Jonathan Sims. Via the serial number, she learned that the train came from World War 2, and was coincidentally...an army hospital train from the US that was used in the European theatre from 1944. However, it crashed and derailed in 1945, killing five and seriously injuring fourteen, although there were no patients officially on board at the time. But with no extra information, and no way to tell how the train ended up in Rotherham, she came to the institute's library. Here, she found an account from a man named William W. Hay, who was seemingly a real guy, although I've had some trouble finding any extra relevant information on him that isn't specified in the episode, and said episode obviously deviates from real world history for the sake of spooks. Apparently, Hay became an occultist later in life (...quite suspicious given the podcast's history with such a topic), and that led to most of his memoirs and research findings being published in a very edited form. However, the institute...somehow possesses the original scripts, (that's totally not so convenient that it's suspicious whatsoever) and from those scripts, Melanie learned that he just so happened to serve on the exact train she explored the ruins of. ...I loved how Jon and Melanie were nerding out in this scene by the way, this is exactly why I think they could make good friends. But from a photocopy of his memoirs (which Jon read in perfect form by the way...which is also something I'm kind of suspicious of now AAAAAAAAAGGGGHHHH), we learn that during his time upon the train, Hay witnessed how bloodshed, carnage and violence can effect one's psychology in the long run. He saw their senses start to dull, and eventually, a select few developed a strange fascination with the mechanisms of violence and butchery, how wounds were formed...with the smell of blood supposedly being a strong motivator. It's from this account that we also learn...why exactly the train crashed. Apparently, a young medic got filled with an insatiable urge to commit violent acts, so the other workers aboard the train crashed it, choosing to die in that way rather than risk his rampage. ...I think it's safe to say we now know who exactly it was that stabbed Melanie, or at the very least...who that spirit represented. There is...one other thing Hay mentions though. Apparently, he spent some time at an infirmary in Amritsar, and...he witnessed two dozen Ghurkas tear each other to bloody bits, seemingly driven by that same, soul-consuming bloodlust that he saw on the train. ...Yikes. So, that's the basic rundown of Melanie's statement, but what about my thoughts? Because...I certainly have some.
Honestly...from a plot and character perspective, I really don't have much to say about this statement. The story of the derailed hospital train seems to be, at the very least from a timeline perspective, mostly unconnected from anything that's shown up in the past, with the obvious exception of Melanie herself. The main thing that interests me however is...the themes, all of those recurring ideas of violence, war and bloodlust, as...I think they're actually really important, not in terms of understanding the timeline, but rather...the nature of the hospital train, as well as CMH. I will admit that the theory I'm about to propose should be taken with a grain of salt. It's made with much more serious intentions than something like my Micheal theory, and I think the evidence I'm providing is a bit more tight, but ultimately...this is just kind of a fun thought experiment, and I don't really think I'm all that right with this one. It's plausible, but...I don't know if it'll be the route the podcast takes. Honestly, that's kind of a thing with most of my theories regarding ✨the horrors✨. Like, I've been using the formula I proposed after Old Passages for...over 40 episodes now, but that's really only because it's the easiest way for me to categorize things. I don't know how likely it is that my interpretation of tma's eldritch forces is true, but....hey, I'd have a hell of a lot less theories if I didn't have SOME way of understanding things. So, as you've probably surmised, my theory revolves around which one of ✨the horrors✨ I think is haunting the hospital train. But before I make my proposition, I think it's important that I take a better look at Melanie, and...how she connects to all of this. Because...it is super weird to me that she just so happens to come across another military hospital thing, like...by coincidence. Sure, she was doing some digging into other military hospitals after the trip to CMH, but with the train...she didn't learn it was used for the same purposes until after she got arrested and did some extra research, up until that point, she was just...drawn to it, for some weird reason. And as far as we're concerned, beyond...probably being connected to the same member of ✨the horrors✨, CMH and the hospital train don't have any lore connections, so...I feel like there's something going on with Melanie. I don't think she's secretly an eldritch monster or anything, we already have someone fulfilling that role, but...there's something going on here. And...you know how Melanie mentioned feeling a presence inside CMH, one that got to her more than Sarah Baldwin peeling and re-attaching her own skin? Well...I'm just wondering if she got..."marked" by that presence. Not in the same way that someone like Jane got "marked", where you straight up get consumed by ✨the horrors✨, but more like...Andrea Nunis from Lost in the Crowd. Melanie's just being...followed by whatever was in CMH, and that's why she was mysteriously drawn to the hospital train, seemingly haunted by the same presence. Hell, maybe she got "marked" before that, and that was what drew her to CMH, although I think that's pretty unlikely since she had more of a legitimate and normal reason to go there, as opposed to the hospital train, which she just felt oddly compelled to go for. So...yeah, I think Melanie's gotten herself in quite the sticky situation. But with that in mind...what exactly do I think is haunting these places, and by extension, her? Well, I guess I should mention some...potential candidates first.
One candidate...could technically be whatever Sarah and The Anglerfish are involved with, although I think that's pretty unlikely, mostly due to the fact that Melanie straight up says there was something in the hospital other than them, and that's what she's most concerned about. I guess you could interpret Sarah apologizing for trespassing as her, like...begging for forgiveness from the monster she serves, the phrase "silk will not stitch the butcher's meat" is pretty reminiscent of the skin thing, and you could also interpret her getting flinged around as being the doing of The Anglerfish (which I admittedly also thought at first), but...I'm not so sure anymore. I think it's more likely that she intruded upon the domain of a separate being, and that as a servant of The Anglerfish...she got tossed around a bit as punishment. This kind of makes sense to me, because ✨the horrors✨ do seem to have some sort of...weird thing going on where some are allies, but others are enemies, like Asag and the spiders being clearly opposed for example. As for the graffiti, well...that works well with all of the medical horror, so...yeah, I don't think these two should be Melanie's biggest concern. Another potential candidate is the being associated with all sorts of body horror. Stuff like gore and blood definitely line up nicely with that, and...honestly I could see the graffiti as being something straight out of Tom Haan's mouth, but still, I'm not...entirely convinced. I mean, I guess it has a good chance of being the driving force behind all of this, but that's not as interesting of a thought to me. It also doesn't help that there's no signs of classic tma body horror motifs like cannibalism and Christian imagery, and admittedly, the gore in these episodes is a lot more...standard wound-based, where as all of the stuff that seemingly follows the body horror thing usually deals with concepts like dismemberment, so...I'm still not fully convinced. Both of these are decently plausible candidates for the member of ✨the horrors✨ that's following Melanie, but I think evidence is lacking in some parts...and they aren't the most interesting options for me personally. So what DO I think is haunting these places? Well...hear me out. What if...it's The Piper?
Ever since I composed my first list of✨the horrors✨, The Piper has always been there, but never for the same reasons as everything else. Most of the beings I claim to exist (minus the technology related one, but if you've read my thoughts on Binary you know that's an absolute ride), I only put on that list due to how much they pop up over and over again, and often, whether or not they have notable followers. Stuff like fire, darkness, falling, disease, spiders, meat, compression, isolation, so on and so forth, have all shown up many times...but The Piper hasn't. I've only ever included it on this list due to the fact that it's described in a very abstract and spectral nature, and...that it is literally the embodiment of war, which feels much more god-level than monster-level. But like...it has never shown up past its debut episode, and MAYBE in Grifter's Bone, but I've always thought that was a bit of a stretch. As time has progressed, I've honestly become less and less sure of its status as one of ✨the horrors✨, only really holding on to it because I liked my number of fourteen, based on how many passages Robert Smirke made beneath The Reform Club. But...this has kind of changed things for me. Like I said, I FEEL like I'm making a stretch here...but I will take any excuse I can if it means making The Piper important again. Because...just look at the themes of this episode. War is a very obvious returning motif, but then...all of the history behind the hospital train, along with the mad Ghurkas in Amritsar, revolves around people going mad with an insatiable lust for blood, carnage and the formation of wounds. That is...way too damn similar to what happened to Wilfred Owen and all of the other soldiers for me to simply ignore. I REALLY feel like The Piper might be haunting the hospital train, and even if there weren't really any themes of bloodlust in Skintight, it was probably still...somewhat present in CMH by extension. And it doesn't stop there! In retrospect...I feel like it might've been even more present throughout the podcast than I ever realized. For example, let's go back to Grifter's Bone. Now that the whole bloodlust thing has become more apparent, the idea of Alfred Grifter being a servant of The Piper who drove all of the people at his performances to murder and/or suicide feels a lot more likely. It also helps that the people at his performance in Soho were seemingly ghosts, since due to the ghost of the mad medic on the train, The Piper being pretty spectral in the way it's described, and Melanie formerly running...Ghost Hunt UK, it is very possible that ghosts are a recurring motif here as well. And then you also have The Tale of a Field Hospital. Granted, Amherst is the main focus of this episode, and I think he's connected to The Flesh Hive. But...I don't know, the episode DOES take place in a military hospital, and lightly touches on the horrors of war here and there, so...hm. I guess I COULD also throw Cheating Death and Crusader into the mix, since both of them take place during wars, but...honestly, I think the settings of war are more likely there to act as nothing more than a framing device, since the episodes overall deal with very different themes, and seemingly different members of ✨the horrors✨. I mean...Crusader did kind of touch on the topic of war so...maybe, but I'm not as convinced as I am with other episodes. The only real problem with this line of thinking that comes to mind is that...some episodes lack certain aspects of The Piper. Grifter's Bone doesn't really deal with the idea of war at all, and Skintight, The Tale of a Field Hospital and this episode have little to do with music. But even so...I'd love it if I was on to something here. This theory is...admittedly pretty self-indulgent on my part. I'm really only making it because...I've put a lot of thought into how I define ✨the horrors✨ over the course of the past few months, and I'd REALLY like to be proven...somewhat correct, though i'd be stunned if I got it nailed down 100%. Either way, I hope I'm on to...something here.
That concludes my recap and analysis of Melanie's statement in The Smell of Blood! This was another fantastic episode, I'm just...really happy that Melanie's proven to be a relevant character with an ongoing story, and the potential implications provided by the themes of the episode really excite me, and I'm pleasantly surprised by how much it made me look back at previous episodes, despite the narrative seeming relatvely self-contained at first glance. It also had tons of creepy imagery, and...yeah, just a great time, I'm super excited to see how it all pans out! But...there is no way in hell that I can ignore what comes afterwards. Because oh. my. god. Well, starting off with the simpler, but...arguably just as concerning(?) part, we have the matter of Melanie's next move. Because...you know how I mentioned the bloodshed Hay witnessed at the infirmary in Amritsar. Well, because she is, once again, cursed to parallel Jon...Melanie is unfortunately STILL not giving up, taking a trip to India, and giving her statement...in case she dies. Oh....I...really DO NOT LIKE THAT!!!! That is a bad, BAD death flag. Best case scenario is that she sees another really traumatizing thing, and gets to give another statement, but worse case scenario...she doesn't come back at all. PLEASE be careful Melanie, I...really do not want her to die now. Honestly, I feel like right now is like...the most worried I have ever been for the character's lives. I mean, it makes sense, I've obviously gotten more and more attatched as time goes on, but like...I SAW what happened to Sasha at the end of the last season...DON'T DO THIS TO ME AGAIN PLEASE. Oh yeah...there's that too. So...turns out the theory was indeed correct. For some unknown reason (I'm guessing it's the encounter with Sarah, since there's some level of tangible connection going on there)...Melanie is capable of seeing through Not!Sasha's facade. I will say that it was nice to get some canon description of OG Sasha, which thankfully lines up with my pre-conceived mental image of her, and hear that her and Melanie actually got along quite well, talking about haunted pubs (which is a cute reference to A Distortion), but overall...holy shit. When Melanie starts proclaiming that...who Jon thinks is Sasha is someone else, things obviously get heated. (and they were actually getting along a bit...sigh) Melanie accuses him of gaslighting, and unfortunately storms off, but Jon...is understandably not doing too well. I will admit that I initially found his...less than calm reaction to Melanie's words a bit hasty at first, but honestly...given where he is mentally right now, especially with his suspicion of Not!Sasha growing, I think it makes sense for something like that to trigger him. And I mean....based on his supplemental, I definitely think he's starting to get a better hunch as to what's going on. Jon ends the episode by saying that now that Melanie's given her statement, he's ready to sort through the tapes Basira gave him...and thinks he knows where to start. ....AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!! You see, I was RIGHT to put in those pre-finale speculations after the last episode! Things are about to get so, so wild...and I am very far from prepared for it. But like...what does Jon mean when he says he knows where to start with all those Gertrude tapes? Does it somehow connect to Melanie's statement? Or...is it somehow about Not!Sasha? At the very least, Jon mentions there being multiple stories in the archives about things that decieve and trick you (holy shit that's what I said one of ✨the horrors✨ was related to HOLY SHIT)...so I feel like it has to be tangentially connected to the latter at the very least. Either way...there's no chance the next episode ISN'T a Gertrude tape, so...I'll just wait and see. What I do know is that as always with her, there is going to be some lore...and I don't know if I can process that right now! Oh dear...four more episodes...how did I get this far...
Supplemental: Ok, here's some...random miscellaneous thoughts I wanted to put out. So, first off....man I really miss the rest of the archival team. I mean, I think their lack of presence is a really smart move, it's good to sacrifice that if it means showing how distant Jon has become...but I miss them so much :(. Hopefully they'll show up in time for the finale though. Secondly, and I've been meaning to mention this for AGES now, but...Jon has been getting more and more sloppy with his recordings now. I think I first noticed it in Still Life, where he mentioned not trusting his assistants on the main tape, but like...now we have episodes like A Long Way Down, where he leaves both evidence of conspiracy with Basira, and possession of Gertrude's tapes on the main recording as well. Just...I really hope that doesn't have repercussions. ...Oh who am I kidding it's absolutely going to have repercussions. And finally...I kind of just wanted to talk about...some of the "fake" things that showed up in Still Life, what with Sarah Baldwin and Not!Sasha being pretty relevant right now. Namely, I wanted to discuss The Other Circus and Breekon and Hope. You see, given how much this podcast jumps around in time, I find it kind of hard to remember what's something worth worrying about, and what's a tale of the past. Like, you would be surprised by how many times I've forgotten that Gerard is dead in the present. So on that note...I'm kind of wondering if The Other Circus is even around anymore? Things like the calliope and the fake tiger are definitely still here, but for all we know, those are just remnants of a long-gone organization, with the only known encounter with the circus itself being in the 1950s. Hell, the fact that those artifacts aren't in their possession makes it seem even more likely they're inactive, along with the fact that the ringmaster, Gregor Orsinov, was described in a way that made him seem...somewhat older in the 50s, so I don't know how likely it is that he's even around. Well, provided that he ages like a normal human to begin with (I say as I shoot looks at Mary, Agnes and Rayner). I also just wanted to touch on Breekon and Hope. These guys have shown up a ton, and while I've investigated their motives and alignments and...all of that before, I've never really questioned...what they even are? Like, seriously. What are they supposed to be? Are they brothers? Cousins? Friends? ...Lovers? I genuinely have no idea, but at the very least I doubt they're normal humans, since they don't seem to have aged at all between the 50s and present day. Well, you know, based on what little description we get of them. Uh...ok, that's all, just needed to get some random thoughts off my chest. See you next time, where...some ungodly shit is going to happen, I bet.
- Episode 77, The Kind Mother ❌
Case 9941509. Lucy Cooper. Incident occurred in Draycott, Somerset, August 1994. Victim’s name given as Rose Cooper.
Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no NO!!! So...uh...yikes. I mean...at least I'm DEFINITELY right about things going to shit...christ almighty. This episode....I mean, where to even begin? Well, can I just say that this one is an absolute triumph? Firstly, I'm really happy that Season 2 is having...a more focused buildup to its finale, I guess? What I mean by that is, like, Season 1 kind of just had an assortment of miscellaneous statements that didn't connect to what we were dealing with, and then BOOM! All of a sudden worms. That wasn't a problem at all, since not only was there plenty of other episodes building up the attack throughout the second half of the season, as well as...little extra plot bits in most of those later episodes, but I'm also not immune to the comedic value of the last somewhat standard Season 1 episode being the homophobic vase one. My point is though, I think it's really cool that they're focusing entirely on...what we now know is called The NotThem (which feels like a pretty obvious name in retrospect), even before the real "finale". But mentioning that...thing, the other thing that impresses me about the episode is just...how innovative it is. While there's been many instances of returning characters over the course of these two seasons, each episode has still had a pretty individual concept. This one however, is entirely centered around something we're all too familiar with at this point, and yet it STILL manages to stand out in...what is conceptually the most terrifying utilization of The NotThem to date, in my opinion. That's just...a huge testament to the writing quality we're dealing with here. But uh...yeah, this was yet another fantastic one! More of Gertrude after not hearing her for a while was great, some of the lore the episode set up was...holy shit we'll get into that, and OH GOD I AM SO SCARED JON PLEASE DON'T GO INTO THIS ALONE AAAAAAAAAAAA!!! Truth be told, since this episode deals with a very familiar concept, I might not have a ton to say about the actual statement beyond a recap and some miscellaneous thoughts, but that's totally fine, because...boy do I have a few things to say about everything else. Don't worry, it's not Thought for the Day level...although it does kind of come back to that...uh...you'll see. So uh...let's just get this one over with. (I mean that in the best way possible, I'm just very scared right now.)
So, as expected, this episode is another one given by Gertrude. ...Thank god, the amount of worry I had for the chances of getting another one for like...10 episodes straight was staggering. I do find it kind of funnily convenient that she just...happened to record one about the exact thing Jon needs to know about right now, and he got ahold of it at that exact time. It's not a problem, more a godsent than anything else, but it made me chuckle. What's also convenient is that Gertrude thankfully knows to say when exactly she's recording her tapes, and from this, we know that this is the earliest one so far. Unfortunately, that means there's no real information on her murder here, but it does give us a better sense of how long The NotThem has been around for, and...maybe there's some hidden clues that hint towards what the institute was like at the time, since Elias would've probably only been appointed as head very recently, maybe not all depending on how late into 1996 he even was brought in. If so, I couldn't pick up on any clues...but I'll keep it in mind just in case. This was also the first Gertrude tape since Tightrope that's actually narrated by her, which is great since I absolutely love her voice...but it also made me come to a realization. You see, while Gertrude still reads her statements in a very convincing and immersive way, it's not quite...on the same level of insane dramatic theatre kid as Jon. And it's not in a way that makes me think it's like....a testament to the difference in skill between VAs (because holy shit if Sue Sims isn't brilliant I don't know what she is), it comes off as more of a...potentially plot relevant thing. Like, I've said a couple of times that I'm kind of getting suspicious of...why Jon reads statements so dramatically, because as the institute itself gets weirder and weirder, I start to doubt that he's just a theatre kid (although I still think he IS that either way.) Gertrude however...I don't know, she felt a lot more calm and composed, the difference between her regular voice and statement voice is a lot more subtle to me. I might be reading too much into things here, but...I'm curious, I feel like this is a weird difference between the two worth noting. Well, while there's still a lot of intrigue surrounding Gertrude, for now I'll go over the statement. This one comes from a woman named Lucy Cooper, and, I'm just going to cut to the chase, her mother, Rose Cooper, has been replaced by The NotThem. Already, an aspect of this episode that sets it apart from other instances of this same idea is the familial connection, which goes a surprisingly long way in terms of creativity. And uh...on that note, I kind of want to discuss the whole..."how is it that certain people can see through The NotThem's disguise" dilemma. I certainly have my own thoughts on it, which I'll go over in due time, but I wanted to address a certain theory that I saw a lot of people in the YouTube comments throwing around.
Basically, the theory states that the people who can see through the facade are those who know of, but aren't super close to the person who's been replaced. Amy Patel stalked Graham Folger, but they were only brief acquaintances outside of that. Melanie knows of and was rather fond of Sasha, but they only had like...one conversation. And then Lucy obviously knows Rose, but is far from close to her. And...yeah, I can see where that idea comes from, it's a decent foundation, but...I'd have to disagree. And the reason for that is...those relationships are far from rare. Most people have plenty of relationships with others that boil down to being...brief acquantances, or familiar faces that don't know each other personally. Like, take Graham for example. He never came off as an especially social person, but I'm sure plenty of people recognized his face, so statistically speaking, there would be way more than just Amy claiming that Not!Graham was a different person. Same probably goes for Sasha, you'd think that someone in a different department of the institute, who probably only sees her around the hallways once in a while would've noticed something, but...no. So yeah, while this theory isn't entirely unfounded or impossible, I have my doubts, personally. I'll go over my thoughts on how I think this...actually works soon enough, but for now, back to the statement. So, Lucy and Rose Cooper have never gotten along particularly well. The latter was always extremely blunt, harsh and/or critical towards her daughter, to the point where Lucy could never feel accomplished at anything due to the constant critique. Honestly, I really liked the light that was shed on this kind of parent-child dynamic in this episode, it kind of reminded me of A Long Way Down with how the relationship is a lot more...subtly toxic, not exactly flat-out abusive but...still wrong, and the episode makes a good point of that. It all came to a head when Lucy and Rose got into a big argument about the man who proposed to the former, the latter stating he was a piece of scum who'd preveng her from achieving anything. This caused Lucy to entirely ditch her mother for nearly a decade, and she spent that decade trying to convince herself that she was fundamentally different from her mother...but deep down she knew that it was their similarities, their shared stubborness, that drove them apart. Lucy would go through two separate affairs, yet still stuck with her husband out of fear of her mother being proven right. Even when said husband got jailed for embezzlement, she still refused to talk to her. However, when her father, George Cooper, fell from a ladder and ended up in a wheelchair, Lucy decided she should finally make amends. Oh hey, there's another similarity to A Long Way Down. Hopefully it doesn't have the same freaky connotations, maybe Jonny just had a bad experience with a ladder and needed to vent when he was writing around this time, I don't know. But...yeah, Lucy had a much more positive relationship with her dad, even if he was somewhat quiet and inefficient in the face of Rose, so she thought that if it meant being there for him, she should probably try to reconnect...in general. When she first visited Draycott, the village in Somerset her parents now called home, it...wasn't exactly easy. Her mother hadn't changed beyond her age, and she wasn't above getting into more fights with her daughter, but George was always happy to see Lucy, and...Rose liked seeing him happy, so they made a sort of uneasy truce. Hell, despite the long journey to and from London, Lucy found a reason to go more often. She had been doing work on oral histories for the British Library, and Rose just so happened to have studied a lot of English and Welsh folklore in her time as an academic, so despite her initial reluctance, she ended up making some recordings for her daughter to use, and all in all...everything was pretty decent! Well...you know, for a time at least.
So...that's great, everything's going pretty well right? Lucy and Rose are doing their own mini-version of tma, they live in a village known for local myths and legends in a podcast that loves to exploit that sort of thing for the sake of making manmade horrors beyond our comprehension, what could go wrong? Well..everything, obviously. Roughly two weeks before giving her statement, Lucy returned to Draycott for another visit, but the person who opened the door was...odd. She was wearing Rose's clothes, but was nothing like her. She was short, less thin, and had long curly white hair, as opposed to Rose's much shorter cut. She made an...oddly joyful laugh, and when George came in as if everything was normal, that's when Lucy started to get concerned. She started questioning where her mother was, but her father just looked at her with a confused expression, repremanding Lucy for her "unfunny joke" while...ok no need for ominous buildup, we're callling her Not!Rose, just stood there with open arms. A...couple of things came to my mind at this point. Firstly, at around seven minutes in, a static noise plays that...I SWEAR has never shown up in the podcast before. It could just be some new audio resource Rusty Quill got their hands on, but...like with everything else that relates to the audio...I can't help bu be suspicious right now. I know Jonny and Alex have went on record to say that the music is the one thing that doesn't matter, but like...what if that noise doesn't count as music. The weird thing is though...you'd kind of think that if a unique static was to play at this point, it'd be the one that plays when Not!Sasha's around, but...no. It's entirely different and....AAAAAGGGHHH I'm so confused. Well anyways, the other thing i found really interesting was...Not!Rose's general behavior, as opposed to OG Rose's. It's here when I realized why the episode was called "The Kind Mother"...and this single aspect of the episode is what makes it so special and terrifying to me. Although...I kind of wish they took it a step further? You see, every other instance of The NotThem has been like...nothing but a purely negative thing. There is absolutely no benefit to it killing Graham and Sasha, but here...it's a different story. Rose might be dead and replaced, which is obviously terrifying...but Lucy now has the ideal relationship with her "mother" that she always wanted, so there's unfortunately a good side to the scenario. I just...kind of wished they utilized that a bit more? Don't get me wrong, I still think what they actually did, with Lucy realizing how much her mother actually meant to her in the end, was fantastic, and even if it;s not utilized to its prime, the dilemma of Rose's replacement is still really cool conceptually. And I mean, this is the earliest example of The NotThem timeline-wise, so they need to explain how it made its way to Graham and Sasha, meaning that Not!Rose can't stay around forever. But like...I don't know, I think they could've done more? Like, this statement takes place in 1994, while Across the Street is in the mid-2000s. Sure, more people might have gotten replaced between that time, but based on what we currently have, I think it would've been interesting if Lucy...let Not!Rose stay around in hopes of having a better relationship with her mother, because that would've felt just as fucked up as the paranormal stuff, and would also create a trend of the protagonist being morally questionable in NotThem statements. (Looking at you, Amy "it's not stalking it's people-watching" Patel.) But hey, I'm still more than satisfied with what we got, and there's definitely some morbid comedy in Lucy being like "you're way too nice to be my real mom." Well uh...tangent aside, back to the plot.
So, for the next couple of hours Lucy goes through the typical NotThem awareness experience. You know, feeling like the entire world is trying to gaslight you into thinking you're a gaslighter, being extremely creeped out by the person you don't recognize, questioning the fate of the person you do recognize, overall an average Thursday in the UK. After a while, Lucy excuses herself in order to call the police, but when she does...she sees a collection of family photos on the walls. And as expected, all of them show Not!Rose, clearly not being staged due to a crease on one picture, which Lucy recalls accidentally sitting on during a car journey when she was a child. What was initially weird to me though was how...Lucy mentions Not!Rose aging throughout the pictures. I found this odd, because I recalled that a picture of teenage Graham showed a boy that looked nothing like Not!Graham, making me assume that The NotThem was only capable of editing pictures or recordings that were taken somewhat recently, or at the very least maintained enough of the original person's features. Thankfully, we do get an explanation as to why that picture of Graham didn't change later on, and it's not related to age, so...it's just good to know that The NotThem isn't beyond that capability. Anyways, Lucy starts freaking out. She pulls out a family photo album, and sits down with Not!Rose and her father, frantically flipping through the pages for hours as the former looks on with mocking amusement, not finding a single picture of the real Rose Cooper. She asked after some neighbors who had known George and Rose since they moved in, but they said that Rose had...always looked like she supposedly did now. However, when Lucy went to visit a kindly vicar named Neil Angus at the Church of St. Peter's, she found something interesting. He said the same thing as George and the neighbors, but said that Rose had a fall outside the church roughly a week ago, and that...even though she was fine in the end, her scream was like nothing he'd ever heard. ...Given what happened to Sasha in Infestation, I feel confident saying I know what he means by that. But...I feel like I should address one of the strangest aspects of this episode now. As I'm sure most people noticed at this point, this is the first episode with The NotThem that doesn't include that stupid fucking table. Based on Not!Sasha's conversation with Jon in High Pressure, not only did I come to the conclusion that there was only one NotThem, which Gertrude confirms here (that has nothing to do with my point here, I'm just saying HA HA I WAS RIGHT), but from my perspective, she implied that she was trapped by the table in some sort of way. This leads me to believe that originally, The NotThem was able to roam entirely freely, but at some point in between 1994 and 2005, it got trapped inside the table, and can only attack those who get close to it, with Breekon and Hope acting as its couriers. You could maybe say that the table was behind the church, but like...I'm sure Mr. Angus would've mentioned that if it really was there, and also, a table behind a church...I don't know, that just sounds really dumb and not aesthetically pleasing to me for some reason. Disregarding that though, I think the most important takeaway from this whole thing is that The NotThem wasn't connected to the table from birth, meaning that my idea that it was somehow the combined souls of all the dead Hill Top Road children looking to regain some semblance of identity is...most likely incorrect. I do also have to question...who or what even got The NotThem trapped in the first place? Given how Raymond, a likely servant of the spiders, was seemingly using its power, I'd have to assume it was probably done by someone of his caliber. Oh god....and that's without questioning where either the table or The NotThem even come from to begin with, how the table got removed from Hill Top Road in the first place, how ANYTHING AND ANYONE IN THIS WORLD EVEN WORKS....I need a drink, badly.
Ok, uh...going forward. So, after talking to Mr. Angus, Lucy goes home and confronts her "mother" about the fall, to which Not!Rose responds with...saying she had a "bit of a funny turn". ...You son/daughter/gender neutral offspring of a bitch, that is some cruel-ass wordplay. Ultimately, Lucy leaves Somerset, but when she does...she comes to a realization. She listens to the tape recordings that she made of her conversations with her mother, and finds that the voice of the original Rose is still on them. ...Oh boy. So, I honestly completely forgot that Not!Sasha had stolen all of the tapes with Sasha's voice on them, but...this not only reminds me of it, but seemingly confirms that she didn't necessarily steal them to learn more about Sasha...but because Sasha's voice can still be heard on them. Granted, given where Jon is at right now, I don't think it matters whether or not he finds the tapes, since...he's definitely already figured it out, but it's nice to finally get some confirmation that the tapes work like that. However...I don't actually think that this shows us anything wrong with the tapes at the institute. Not only because Lucy's tapes function the same, but because Gertrude also mentions that polaroids function in the same way, which actually explains why that picture of teenage Graham shows his original self, because it was apparently a polaroid. ...The amount of stuff that must have been planned in advance for this podcast is insane. Like, all of that was in EPISODE 3, that's still so insane to me. Now, tapes and polaroids share something in common, and that is of course the fact that they are rather old and primitive ways of recording audio and images respectively. This has led me to the assumption that The NotThem might be on...the younger side of all of the freaky creatures we've seen so far, and might not be naturally adapted to change older, or maybe even newer recordings of things. I'm sure there's a bit more to it...but that's the best guess as to why these forms of recording evade its clutches for the time being. And who knows, this knowledge could be very important if there's another significant storyline involving this thing. Ultimately though, Lucy decides to give one of the tapes to the institute, and show the rest to her father, hoping that it'll get him to believe her, while also coming to terms with the fact that...this is probably the only way she'll ever hear her mother's voice again, which is a really great metaphor for grief. I think that part is where the familial connection really shines for me, even though Lucy and Rose are not on good terms, and understandably so...this is the most personal instance of The NotThem so far, with the obvious exception of Not!Sasha, but...that's more personal to the audience in my opinion, and up until very recently, it's been personal in the "oh god they have no idea" sort of way, since only Melanie has noticed, and she wasn't SUPER close to Sasha. Well...there's also Elias and Micheal, but who knows what's even up with that. Unfortunately though, two days after the statement, George Cooper was found to have died from a gas leak which was totally not intentional...and the being calling itself Rose Cooper was never seen again. ...Damn. Overall, a fantastic story. I thought it was a really creepy and clever spin on a pre-existing concept, a great way to keep the main story moving forward while sticking to the format of statements, and...yeah, it was just great! But of course, this is a Gertrude tape...which means we can't finish things off without being confused.
Ok, before I get into...everything, I should make something clear. So, you know how I get sent into rabbit holes by the most random, probably not-all-that-crazy things that show up? Well wouldn't you know it, that happened again. There is...one specific thing that Gertrude says that sent me in some wild directions, like, literally a single line. I'm just going to dance around that for the time being, go over everything that's said by her and Jon, and THEN talk about it. For now...Jesus Christ this old woman. I...absolutely love her, she is one of the coolest characters in the show, but her presence is terrrifying and her words are vague. Just like...every time I feel like I'm getting somewhere, this in-universe loremaster comes along and just...paints the walls red with information. She is everything, she knows everything, and yet I know NOTHING. So um...what does she say? Well, she mentions that there was apparently another statement regarding The NotThem that she read before this one, though likely not on tape. The statement was submitted on July 6th, 1991 by a man named Adelard Dekker, who seemingly named the creature, and based on what Jon proclaims at the end of the episode, it definitely seems like that'll be the next episode. ...I'm not getting a moment of respite for a while, am I? You know, I once heard that Season 3 is apparently really intense. ...Does that imply that...this ISN'T intense?! HELLO?! Anyways, It's also said that this statement is where Gertrude learned about how polaroids aren't affected, so that gives us at least a little bit of preliminary information. Gertrude also says that she feels content knowing that The NotThem sows chaos...apparently without any motive, and that it would be much worse if it had a purpose. I'll touch on this a bit more later, but...I'm concerned by what that implies. Like...huh? Why is that a problem? I mean, Micheal doesn't seem to have much of a motive beyond wanting to fuck things up, and he's pretty dangerous. But now that I think about it...do we even know what anyone's motives even are? Like, we have a sense of...goals here and there, but even that's pretty sparce. There's a bunch of people doing some truly horrific shit, but...we really don't know why, and based on what Gertrude says here...maybe it's better off that way? But like...nowadays, we have Breekon and Hope transporting The NotThem around via the table, so...does that have a purpose at all? Maybe? Maybe not? I....UUUUGGGHHHH EVERYTHING SHE SAYS IS SO VAGUE!!! Anyways, the...almost final thing she says is that she's destroyed the tape Lucy provided, as she doesn't want to draw The NotThem's attention. A bit dissapointing, since I would've loved to hear Lucy and Rose's voices, but I guess it's understandable. It...does concern me to see further proof that Gertrude was not above making enemies of powerful forces though. Like, if she thought there was a possibility of her getting replaced, that is not a good sign. ...Okay, I need to get this off my chest, are we SURE that she didn't get murdered by an eldritch monster, or just straight up one of ✨the horrors✨? Like, I know Jon thinks a human murdered her, and I know his top suspect is the person in the tunnels, and I know that person is confirmed to be a male-presenting human, but...really? Sure, I know she was shot, but like...I literally just made a theory on why one of ✨the horrors✨ was war incarnate, and said incarnation of war literally opened up a random bullet wound in a guy's head, I don't think eldricth gods are beyond using weapons anymore. (This isn't to say I think The Piper killed Gertrude, I think that's quite a stretch, but like...you get the point.) But stuff like that, combined with everything she's been saying and doing...man, I don't know. There are some good human candidates, but I am REALLY starting to suspect other things. Then again...this entire arc is about a monster that pretends to be a human, so...maybe she was killed by both? I...I really don't know. Gertrude Robinson, you are an absolute enigma.
Ok, so what about Jon? How's he doing? ...How do you think. The tagline of Season 2 might as well be "This guy does not sound like he is in a very good condition", and I regret to inform you that despite all of his attempts to get better, this...might just be the worst state he's ever been in. Although granted, I think it's actually pretty fair this time. Now that I think about it...I have not bullied this man for his antics in a while, have I? Either he's getting better, or I'm sinking down to his level. Oh, and on the note of bullying him...I think the YouTube comment section deserves this man a formal apology. Look, this podcast has a surprisingly great comment section, for the most part it's really civil and intelligent. But...some people really have grinded my gears with how they've treated Jon. Sure, I poke fun at him here and there, but when it comes to Not!Sasha...really? Like, for some reason, everyone gave him so much shit for not noticing what was going on with her, and I see that as either a lack of fact-checking how The NotThem works, getting way into a fandom joke to the point where it starts to affect your media literacy towards a character, or both, and frankly, all of those options suck. It's far from that big of a deal..I just needed to get it off my chest, because it's a bit of a nuisance. Well, disregarding all of that....my poor guy :(. Jonny continues to absolutely astound me with his delivery, the part where he cuts himself off before he can say "how it kills" when referring to The NotThem, and you hear him choking up as he slowly comes to the realization that...Sasha has been dead for over half a year, and he's been none the wiser the entire time...it really got to me. It's...kind of setting in to me how tragic the whole scenario is as well. I don't have much more to say about the tragedy behind her death that I didn't say in my final post on Season 1, but...I've spent so much time worried about Not!Sasha, worried about what she's planning, that I feel like I never really took the time to properly grieve the loss of a character who, despite having a very sparse number of scenes, I quickly grew attached to. And I feel like that's intentional. The NotThem would WANT me to forget Sasha, and I think the reveal that it's motiveless, that I shouldn't have been worried about its plans, that it'll just leave after a while and replace someone else...it makes it sting so much more. This thing is a truly evil creature, through and through. Rest in peace Sasha James, I hope that wherever you are, you've learned how to pronounce "calliope". And as much as I hate to say "well anyways"...going back to Jon, he says that he plans to find the statement from Adelard Dekker...and then find out how to kill The NotThem, clearly without any intention of taking anyone else's help. Oh. dear. god. You know how I said I wanted the archival assistants (minus one, obviously) to come back? Yeah, well...we need Martin and Tim more than ever now! Not Elias though, he's either useless or sketchy to me. If that doesn't work...well, I know Basira wants out, but like...she'd also be really helpful right now! But either way, just...PLEASE be careful Jon. You literally just met someone in a near identical headspace to you, and admitted that her chances of survival are slim, CAN YOU JUST LEARN TO READ THE ROOM PLEASE?! I...get the feeling he's going to come out of this with...whatever the Season 2 equivalent of his worm scars are, and I don't like that. But uh...that's the end! Or...at least it would be the end, if it wasn't for that one line. That. single. line. That thing Gertrude said that sent me into some dangerous ass waters. So what is that line, hm?
"Personally, I suspect it to be an aspect of The Stranger, though that's entirely conjecture at this point." - Gertrude Robinson, 1996
...COULD YOU CARE TO ELABORATE MA'AM?! Oh god...I am so, SO tired... So of course, as this is one of the final episodes of the season we just...CAN'T leave without a line that drives me up the goddamn wall. So...the main thing of interest that Gertrude mentions here is "The Stranger." Now, I'm pretty certain that the word "stranger" has shown up here and there before, and I have a hunch that the word "the" has done the same, which I know might seem like a stretch but stay with me, but...this time it's capitalized. Meaning that "The Stranger" is a tangible, relevant, in-universe concept, that we have never heard of before. And Gertrude just HAPPENS to know what it means, because of course she does. I have...two interpretations of what exactly The Stranger is. One of these theories is shorter and simpler, but more logical and likely, while another is a bit more of a stretch that relies on other theories, but is much longer, complicated, and...for me at least, a fair bit more interesting. Let's start out with the former.
So, what is another "The (Something)" that's capitalized? ...Ok that was very specific, my point is, a term similar to "The Stranger" in this way is "The End", something that also sounds like an abstract concept, but is talked about as if it's an actual thing that exists. Basically...it's because of the way it's talked about that I've deemed "The End" as a member of ✨the horrors✨, and logically, the same should therefore go for "The Stranger". Now, since...I think the episode Still Life, I've deemed Not!Sasha, and by extension The NotThem as a whole, to be connected to a number of other beings, all of which had some sort of involvement with The Trophy Room taxidermy shop. The first of these beings was The Anglerfish, along with its supposed servants, so like, Sarah Baldwin, Daniel Rawlings, and presumably the other three who went missing on Old Fishmarket Close. Not only did Not!Sasha eagerly volunteer to go to The Trophy Room herself to meet with Daniel, but she shares a lot of similarities with The Anglerfish's people, namely the fact that they are all rather odd people who seemingly kill and replace their victims, but take on appearances entirely different from that original person. They aren't entirely the same, since Sarah and Daniel have an odd association with skin and taxidermy, and also don't seem to have the same mind-altering abilities as The NotThem, but there's enough similarities there regardless. Another being...s it's connected to are Breekon and Hope. Not only do they have some sort of partnership with The Trophy Room, but they were also the people who delivered the table, and by extension it, to the institute, and were even seen traveling with...who is presumably Tom, Not!Sasha's boyfriend, during the incident that put Daisy in Section 31. And finally, there's The Other Circus. Or....Another Circus? The Circus of The Other? Whatever, there's a lot of weird names for this thing. Admittedly, their involvement with Still Life is pretty tangential, only seen via the fake tiger from Tightrope being kept in The Trophy Room, but like...still, Breekon and Hope worked with them for a time, and all of these beings have this...weird association with being fake as well. The NotThem, The Anglerfish and it's people all seem to be monsters that pose as human, Breekon and Hope are uncannily similar, while also getting very little visual description and speaking in a really weird way, the people they've traveled with are also very indescript, ad everything about The Other Circus, from its performers to its animals to its damned audience, is fake. So with all of that in mind, I think it makes a ton of sense to say that all of these things serve the same member of ✨the horrors✨, and that said member of ✨the horrors✨...might just be called "The Stranger"! Which honestly feels super fitting! Anglerfish is as much of a lesson in stranger danger as it is an anti-smoking PSA, same goes for the "John" we meet in Do Not Open, and "Tom" as well, The NotThem, Sarah and Daniel are all fake, unrecognizable people...at least to some, Breekon and Hope are creepy delivery men who show up out of nowhere, and I mean...a traveling Russian circus that wasn't controlled by the Russian government in the 50s? So like...weird strangers who show up in your town out of nowhere? Yeah, "The Stranger" fits all of them perfectly. And if you go with the idea I proposed in Thought for the Day, of all of ✨the horrors✨ being fear incarnate, then they work really well with the fear of being deceived or gaslit, or like...fear of unreality, I guess. Honestly...I think this is a very solid theory! I would be extremely happy if I was proven right here, I think it works really well, it could be executed fantastically given the combination of themes under one idea, and it would also mean I...finally have a name for whatever the hell these things connect to! But....even though this is already great progress in terms of theorizing...I will admit...I just HAD to take this one step further. I am...so sorry.
Let me be very clear: I don't think I'm right here. I wouldn't call this theory implausible at all, I think it overall has a pretty solid collection of evidence and would work really well. But ultimately, it all comes down to the fact that I think the former theory, the one where "The Stranger" refers to one of ✨the horrors✨, works a lot better overall. That one feels like...at the very least, something the podcast wants me to consider as a possibility, and it's built more off of connections that near indesputably exist, and honestly, I can't see many holes in the argument, nor do i think it really requires me to rethink anything I've already proposed in the past, it just expands on things. This one is a lot more out there, a lot more self-indulgent, there's probably more holes in it, and it would require me to rethink how I view ✨the horrors✨...quite a bit, which...I REALLY don't want to have to do until the podcast explains things, at least for now. And that's why I'm just saying that...take it with a grain of salt. It's not Micheal-theory levels of crazy, (although Micheal is involved in it, because of course he is), but honestly, I am just as, if not more content with the other theory, and for the sake of my own sanity, I'm going to stick with that one until something else comes up, whether that be validation, deconfirmation, or anything that puts me in a different, more logical direction. That being said...this theory was just...way too much fun for me to not talk about anyways. Ok, enough dawdling, what even is this theory? Well...here's the thing. You see, one thing that weirded me out about that line from Gertrude was how she called The NotThem an..."aspect" of The Stranger. When it comes to ✨the horrors✨, I've always thought of the things that connect to them, but aren't actually the real deal as...servants, devotees, cultists, that sort of thing. Sure, The NotThem is more of a monster that a human cultist, but...I still found that wording weird. It makes "The Stranger" sound less like some sort of eldritch god, and more like...a concept, a term that refers to a specific category of something. I mean, I have suggested that ✨the horrors✨ are literally fear incarnate, so...they could be both eldritch gods and abstract concepts for all I know, but...just hear me out for a second. I'm well aware this is a major stretch, but...what if "The Stranger" isn't one of ✨the horrors✨ at all? What if it's something entirely different, a larger category of...things, still freaky monsters, but ones that function a lot differently? ...Oh boy, here we go. So, another wording choice that came from Gertrude that weirded me out was the part where she refers to The NotThem as "reality-bending." I'm like...80% sure I'm reading into nothing here, but like...why not use a term like "mind-bending" or "memory-altering" instead? "Reality-bending" still works...but it seems a bit grandiose, maybe not as concise. So um...I'm sure you're aware about my theory that all of tma is basically one big simulation, or something adjacent. I'm not going to recap all of it, since it would take WAY too long, but like...refer back to my thoughts on Binary, Thought for the Day, and Fatigue if you want the entire theory so far. The basic rundown is that I think the entire world of tma might be somewhat artificial, and that Thought for the Day is like...a smallscale version of the entire lore. I think the world of tma might have been built as an experiment into human fear, and that all of ✨the horrors✨ are...literally manmade beings made to do...something with that fear, and they often "mark" those who experience enough of said fear. But that aside...the main importance this theory holds to my Stranger theory here comes from Fatigue. With that episode, I suggested that Lydia Halligan had somehow...seen the cracks in the simulation, and that it was probably due to our beloved blond boy, Micheal! Yes...he's back. I avoided talking about him with the last episode, so I think I've earned this one.
I basically suggested that Micheal was a...sort of virus in tma's code, since it paired really well with his whole "not making sense, the door was never there before" thing, would explain is relative neutrality outside of his desire to fuck with people, the insane knowledge he holds, and how and why exactly he did...what I think he did to Lydia. ...Ok why am I even telling you this, that episode summary is in this exact same post. Although it's...actually been nearly two weeks since I wrote that. ....It's been slow lately, but I digress. But um...if you recall some of my earlier theories from Season 2...you may know where I'm going with this. You see, I've suggested that there's a lot of similarities between The NotThem (specifically Not!Sasha) and Micheal in the past, and while I've kind of drawn back on that in recent times...I want to look at it again. Some similarities and connections include:
- Micheal and OG Sasha having some notable connections. Admittedly this means like….nothing on a fundamental text level, but it…might have some thematic relevance, I don’t know.
- Both of them are spindly figures who are…kind of human but also not really, and pose as more human than they actually are.
- Micheal is one of the few people who are able to see through Not!Sasha’s facade. This…could just be a result of him having more knowledge than most for some entirely unrelated reason, but…let me dream.
- The two of them have different, yet VERY similar static noises that play whenever they’re in the room.
- THE. GOD. DAMN. TABLE. I do definitely think that the pattern on it is more likely to be a spiderweb, given Raymond Fielding’s possession of it (actually…do you think Not!Sasha was trying to kill all of those spiders in the tunnels?), but like…Jon CALLS it a fractal at one point, and Micheal is heavily associated with those, there’s NO way that doesn’t mean…something. Maybe the pattern is just some abstract thing that can be interpreted either way, I don’t know, but there’s…something going on there.
Ok, so overall, my evidence isn't super airtight, but firstly...I did warn you, and secondly, it's enough to give me some brainworms. (teehee...Jane reference.) So...with all of this flimsy, yet interesting evidence in mind...here's what I'm thinking. What if, much like what I think Micheal might be...The NotThem is some sort of invasive virus in the code. And therefore, "The Stranger" is not the name for one of ✨the horrors✨, but instead a term that refers to all things that are not supposed to exist in the artificial world of tma, a different kind of horror. It doesn't mean stranger as in "stranger danger" it means stranger as in "stranger than the other weird shit". Because like...think about it! There's this thing running around, seemingly without any discernable identity or...even genuine existence (which is...VERY unreality-core), that another supposed member of ✨the horrors✨ has went out of its way to imprison, and like...it also has no discernable motive out of sowing chaos and disrupting things? Because not only is that really similar to what Micheal seems to be like, but it also fits PERFECTLY with the idea of a virus, it's disrupting the intended experiment set up by...whatever set up this theoretical simulation! And like...this brings up so many other things! I said I'd mention my thoughts on...how certain people can see through The NotThem earlier, and if my first theory regarding The Stranger is correct, then it's...basically what I've already proposed in the past. Either The NotThem chooses to reveal itself to random people in order to make them look crazy for shits and giggles (which would also work pretty well with this theory to be honest), or...people notice it due to certain experiences. I already mentioned Melanie's encounter with Sarah Baldwin as potential reason for her seeing through Not!Sasha, but maybe Amy saw through Not!Graham because she saw The NotThem enter his window, and Lucy saw through Not!Rose because of her studies into changelings, I don't know, that could work. But if THIS theory is to be believed...then maybe The NotThem is doing what I think Micheal did to Lydia, showing them the cracks in the code. And like...if you frame The NotThem as "taking their place", then maybe it's not actually killing them, but rather setting them free from the simulation, which is also fitting for an external virus that seeks to mess with the status quo! Then maybe Sasha, Graham and Rose are still alive! And...maybe "death" works a little bit differently than I thought...oh god, I'll uh...I'll touch on that in my supplemental.
And this might also give some better insight into the spiders as well. If they, or someone serving them, are responsible for trapping The NotThem in the table, then maybe that implies that they are adamant on keeping the status quo in check, basically the...eldritch IT guys of this universe. I mean, the spiders do have this whole association with control going on, and it would explain why Thought for the Day, which I believe to be a small-scale version of this whole theory, was focused on them specifically. It also really gets me thinking about the knowledge and motives of someone like Raymond Fielding, and also...how the hell The Cult of The Lightless Flame could play into all of this. If they seek to destroy the spiders, then maybe THEY are also similar to Micheal and The NotThem, beings who seek to break the code by burning it to ash, although...that would make the power they serve an aspect of "The Stranger" as well....and potentially the powers of other cults that are similar like The Divine Host....and then like...maybe that means the "struggle" Micheal described is a lot more...one on one than I initially assumed? But like...that would require me to almost entirely rethink my list of ✨the horrors✨ on a moment's notice, and like...how they connect to each other...and I don't have the time or energy to do that right now and....AADGADVADVGADGVADGVADVDDAA. You...you can see why I'm proclaiming this is...kind of a crack theory, right? Like, not a jokey crack theory like the Micheal one , I'm decently serious about it, but...I'm ultimately going to put this one in the bank until I have more evidence, because it's just...a lot less mentally taxing and complicated if I stick with my initial interpretation of The Stranger, and there's stronger evidence, and it doesn't require me to rethink a bunch of other stuff, and...yeah, you get the idea! ....hopefully. ...please? Well um...anways, there is one other thing I feel is important regarding this theory, and that's Gertrude's involvement with it. I feel like if this theory is somehow true, then it could explain why Gertrude says The NotThem not having any motivations or purpose makes it less dangerous than things that do. If this theory is to be believed, then ✨the horrors✨ have some level of purpose, as they're intentionally built into the simulation in order to carry out some sort of fear experiment, while this interpretation of "The Stranger" is an external virus that only exists to fuck things up. If we assume that ✨the horrors✨, and the simulation as a whole is the main threat, then...maybe that would make things like Micheal and The NotThem less dangerous by proxy. I mean, I STILL think they aren't exactly...friendly by any means, but...who knows, maybe there's no true heroes in this scenario. I should also address Gertrude calling The NotThem "reality-bending" one more time. Because you might think that by using "reality", it implies that...this can't be a simulation. But...I'd have to disagree. Gertrude is obviously very intelligent, and I think it's possible for her to know that there are beings who can break through and corrupt the foundations of the world she lives in, know that they are different from other horrific forces that are actually meant to be there, and even have a term used to refer to those sorts of things, that being "The Stranger". It's just...she might not have been at the level of knowledge to the point where she knew the world she lived in isn't actually real. To her, maybe The Stranger refers to like...aliens from outer-space coming to Earth or something adjacent, when it actually refers to beings from the real world coming into the simulation. If the world even really is a simulation, then I think that Gertrude...didn't know about it, at least at this point in time. Maybe she did learn eventually...and maybe that's what got her killed OOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHH!!!! Ok, WAIT. NO. NO MORE THEORIES FOR NOW. STOP IT.
Well...uh...thank you so so much if you've managed to make it this far. God just...what am I even doing anymore? How did we get from "yeah I liked this episode :)" to...this? I dread to think about what state I'll be in once I get to the end of the entire podcast, god...ONLY on Season 2?! But at the same time...ALREADY on Season 2?! Like I said, take that second theory with a grain of salt, I think it's interesting and I would be super happy if it was proven even somewhat true (well...provided it happens at a time where I know more, I...really don't want to have to manually reorganize my list of ✨the horrors✨ now...), but I am more than content to stick with my first theory, where "The Stranger" refers to one of ✨the horrors✨ instead. God it's just...it's going to be so funny no matter what the result is. It'll be hilarious if this is somehow right, but it'll also be hilarious if I broke my fingers while typing for absolutely nothing. I just...oh boy I need to sit with this one. There's probably so much I neglected to mention with everything that's going on in my head...but I hope I was able to get all the relevant stuff down. See you next time...I guess I could say that I hope for something more chill, but...yeah, in my dreams. (Oh also this episode ended with Jonny doing the credits again instead of Alex? I’m not sure if that has any significance or not? Maybe it’s meant to represent…Martin’s distance from Jon? Uuuuuuhhhhh I don’t knowwwwww)
Supplemental (oh god why): OK I SWEAR THIS'LL BE SHORT STAY WITH ME. Just...a couple of additional thoughts, ok? Firstly, I just realized how tma really likes to give voices to...the weirdest statements imaginable. Like, Dr. Elliot, Tessa, and Karolina all get to be voiced characters, and their statements are among the biggest "what the fucks" in the entire show. I just thought it's worth appreciating that Rusty Quill...certainly has their priorities in order. Also...I just wanted to briefly bring back that whole death thing I mentioned earlier. It's pretty simple really, I think there's a possibility that if the world is simulated, death just means...getting sent back to reality. This comes partially from The NotThem, but mostly from Personal Space. I've also cited that as potential foreshadowing for the simulation idea, since I think Carter and the other astronauts were in fear experiment simulations...possibly within the simulation, it's kind of a combination of two theories. And if you recall, Carter...at the very least got off Daedalus by starving himself, so...maybe that foreshadowes how death works in this universe? But it also makes me think about how "The End" might work. On one hand, it has associations with death, so maybe it functions like The NotThem where it frees people...but on the other hand, it's been shown to keep people immortal on like...four seperate occasions so far, at least I think, so...yeah, I think I'll consider this one of ✨the horrors✨ no matter which theory I go with, especially because unlike Micheal and The NotThem, it's never made an in-person appearance. I also do kind of wonder how the technology horror idea would work in this scenario though...like, maybe Sergey Ushanka is supposed to represent early test subjects who were put into the simulation, or maybe he...IS one? Like, the techonology wasn't as advanced, so it had a much more mentally taxing effect? ...I don't know, those are...those are just some thoughts. Damn, the contrast between the Micheal theory and the simulation theory is wild. The first one is stupid in a funny way, but...I feel like this one is stupid in a dumb way, god. ...THIS ALL STEMMED FROM ONE FUCKING LINE OF DIALOGUE!!!! ONE!!!!
- Episode 78, Distant Cousin 🪓
Statement of Lawrence Moore, regarding something that was not his cousin.
Oh. my. god. I'm just. I. I. I have. No words. Ok that's a lie I obviously have a lot of words but. I just. I. ....wow. I um...I definitely...was expecting something to happen here, it's just...I didn't expect that. All things considered, I figured that much like Lost and Found, this episode would naturally segue into the likely two-part finale, and while it certainly did...I was NOT expecting to get what is both the rawest and most infuriating series of scenes in the entire podcast so far. You see, the biggest takeaway from this episode is that's it's remarkably easy to buy an axe in Central London. Now, I'd take that to mean that I should probably stay away from Central London, but...but JON. No no no no no, he...he took a different approach after recieving that information. I just. ....wwwwwwwwwwwWHAT?! WHAT DO YOU MEAN?! WHAT WAS THAT?! WHY WAS THAT SO GOOD WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?! WHERE DID?! HUH?! YOU CAN'T JUST DO ALL OF THAT TO ME I-AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!! ...Ok, I'll stop. If I wanted to, this entire section could just be me doing incoherent screams, much like I was when I first listened to the episode (the way I started running laps around the room when...you-know-who showed up again), but for everyone's sake, I'm not going to do that. This episode...was absolutely fantastic, yeah. Obviously it was. It's...honestly incredible that this final quarter hasn't had a single episode I haven't vibed with so far. But just....WOW. Obviously I'm most insane about everything that happened after the statement, but the main plot of the episode was still super endearing, helping to make more sense of the timeline surrounding The NotThem, while also setting up some very interesting plot threads in the process. And then when we get to the end of the entire episode...I mean, you'll hear my thoughts soon enough. Because boy oh boy, do I have them. There's...uh...there's definitely quite a bit to say, I don't think I have too many huge theories, but uh...let's just get into it. ...My ensuing dread towards whatever lies in the next two episodes has not been eased, I'll say that much.
Edit: Ok uh...this has become an exceptionally long one. Just um...just brace yourselves. What I'm about to say isn't like...super groundbreaking theories or anything, it's just...a lot. There's a lot.
So, before the statement even starts, there's already some notable things to cover. Firstly, before he begins reading, Jon ends up muttering "I...er...we...we didn't", before cutting himself off, and beginning the statement in an...understandably stressed tone that I don't think we've heard since...the first episode of the season, I think. For the time being, I think the meaning behind Jon's mutterings are open to interpretation, I personally see them as a sign of him realizing how no one in the archives ever noticed Not!Sasha's true identity, but...that's just my interpretation of the few words he says here. Either way...his stress in this scene made me sad :(. Well, that aside, when he starts reading the statement....the statement's existence ends up being quite a surprise. While it does follow the story of The NotThem, managing to give us some of the last pieces of its relevant lore, it is not the statement that Gertrude teased in the previous episode. (Also side note, I forgot to mention that The Kind Mother is...probably the last Gertrude tape we'll get this season, a bit of a shame, but I'm sure they'll come back in Season 3.) The statement she teased was one given by Adelard Dekker, the man who named The NotThem in the first place, but when Jon opened the file for his statement, he surprisingly found one from Lawrence Moore instead. Now, I'm not too interested in why this file was kept in the one where Dekker's statement should've been, since...given what happens in the statement, it's pretty obvious as to why it's here, but I'm more curious as to why....whoever did this felt the need to put it there, and more importantly...where Dekker's statement actually is now. My personal hypothesis is that it was likely stolen by the person in the tunnels (holy shit the chances of learning their identity are higher than they've ever been right now PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE), as not on;y have they been shown to steal files from the archives, but they are...probably pretty aware of Not!Sasha given her own expeditions into the tunnels, with Jon outright saying that he thinks the two are familiar with one another. Alternatively, maybe The NotThem itself stole it, since it did a similar thing with the tapes, and...well, given the lore of this episode, it would have good reason to get rid of any and all information provided by Adelard Dekker, especially if it concerns itself. The thing is though...why is Lawrence Moore's statement in there? Sure, it had obvious connections to Dekker, and might even have more relevant information concerning The NotThem given the later date, but...someone likely put it there. And given how a lot of people, myself included, think that Gertrude's strange organization tactics were done for a purpose, likely her wanting to make sure that her successor had all the information they needed easily accessible in the face of a bunch of fake statements...I kind of wonder if Dekker's statement went missing when she was still around, and she put this statement in its place. This could mean that neither The NotThem or the person in the tunnels are responsible for this statement's disappearance...or that the latter has been farting around in the institute for a long-ass time. Either way, given how it has a named case number, and how Adelard is...certainly an intriguing character, I have no doubt that his statement will be retrieved soon enough. Or who knows, maybe it's still in the archives and just...horribly misorganized, but until I get answers...I'm intrigued by its absence. And I mean...if there's still one statement regarding The NotThem...who knows if we'll even be done with this thing by the end of Season 2. ...OH SHIT there's an actual statement in this episode, right.
So uh, yeah, in the absence of Adelard's statement, Jon comes across the story of Lawrence Moore, which thankfully (well, I say thankfully, but...given what happens because of him reading this statement...maybe I shouldn't) contains more information on The NotThem. I will say that my one...somewhat notable gripe with this episode is that, in my opinion, it has the weakest utilization of The NotThem so far. Not!Graham had a really interesting dynamic with Amy Patel and OG Graham, as well as the benefit of coming first, and therefore being the most shocking. Not!Rose had a very interesting moral dilemma and change in personality, and Not!Sasha is...well, she's Not!Sasha, I don't need to explain why she's special. This episode's NotThem, known as Not!Carl, on the other hand...doesn't really do a ton that hasn't been seen before, outside of some very minute little things. Granted, it's honestly not that big of a deal, since I think the main draw of this episode comes from its other elements, but I felt like it was worth mentioning since it's my only problem. Anyways, Lawrence Moore (who, by the way, had a voice that was...oddly a lot more similar to Jon's regular speaking voice? I feel like that might be intentional in order to demonstrate his stress, but who knows.) recently had his cousin Carl replaced by The NotThem. Now, Lawrence and Carl were never especially close during childhood, and especially adulthood. They lived somewhat nearby each other, and got along...fine, but they never saw each other that often, never had much in common, and Lawrence suspects Carl saw him as an annoyance due to his younger age. They grew even more distant as they entered adulthood, Lawrence believing that they never even spoke for more than an hour ever since he turned eighteen, and even when it turned out that the two of them didn't live far from one another...Carl never seemed keen to meet up again. Lawrence then goes into this really cool monologue, talking about how people who briefly knew you as a child think they're talking to that same child when they see you again as an adult, when in reality, that child is practically dead, replaced with a new, more grown and fleshed out person. This is obviously...very tonally fitting for the episode, and really makes me appreciate how The NotThem plays with themes like identity and...what makes us human, but it's also just a cool concept to me in general! I do often think about how....different I, and pretty much everyone is at different stages of their life, and whenever I'm told about what I was like when I was a small child by parents or older relatives...I just cannot believe that I share a body and mind with that kid. I don't know, I think it's a very interesting topic and a cool look into identity as a concept. Anyways, going back to the statement, Lawrence noticed the change when he went to his brother Adam's wedding, said brother having been noticeably closer to Carl during childhood. When Lawrence met a man he had never met before, who claimed to be his cousin...yeah, he was obviously pretty spooked. Now, I said in the previous section that I don't think the theory that The NotThem is visible to people who weren't anything more than an acquaintance to the original person holds much merit. I will concede that this episode definitely adds to the idea, but...eh, there's still enough going against it for me to say otherwise. I think I'll dispose of the idea that like...prior experiences with paranormal-ish stuff allows you to see it, since Lawrence never mentions anything weird happening before meeting Not!Carl, but I'm more than willing to go with the idea that The NotThem intentionally reveals itself to one person to make that person look crazy, since it just comes off as more and more mischievous, sadistic and unhinged as time goes on. Or...you know, if my second theory regarding "The Stranger" is true, then...simulation breaking is also still on the table. ...I swear that wordplay was unintentional, I'm so sorry.
Going back to the wedding, Lawrence starts asking around, and of course, everyone there recognized the dark haired man with yellow teeth as Carl, including his humorless father, which made Lawrence realize this wasn't some kind of sick prank. Once his aunt gave him a glare, Lawrence left the wedding. He tried to convince himself he was subject to some kind of dissociative episode, since he had been struggling at work and recently divorced himself, even thinking that if the only thing wrong with his brain was...him not recognizing a cousin he wasn't even that close to, then he probably got off lucky. But of course...it continued to eat at him late throughout the night. He knew that the man he saw was not Carl. It was about a week after the wedding that Lawrence realized a few years ago, when his grandmother had passed away, he had been handed a collection of her old photos and was asked to sort through them. They had been rotting in the attic (HOLY SHIT JANE PRENTISS REFERENCE???!!!111) ever since, but...without anything better to do, and hoping that maybe, just maybe, he could find some semblance of the cousin he knew, Lawrence went to go fetch them. As expected, most of the photos in that hot and sticky attic (of which there were many) were pictures of Lawrence and Adam, but now alongside a dark haired child where Carl should've been. All except for two, which showed the boy with light short hair that Lawrence recognized. So presumably, some of these photos were polaroids. It's nice to see that get incorporated after being teased, even though we didn't get Adelard Dekker's statement, but like...it's kind of weird to me? Lawrence suggests that one of the photos with OG Carl in it looked like it was taken moments after another photo, and that latter picture had Not!Carl in it. So like...did their grandma just switch from something more modern to polaroids in a matter of seconds? Is this some sort of sloppy crack in The NotThem's system? I'm...just going to assume that maybe one of the photos was taken by someone else, and happened to get sorted among all of the pictures taken by their grandmother, since I feel like that makes the most sense. Well, moving forward, Lawrence hears a soft knock on the door. When he answered it, he was met with the man he did not know, Not!Carl. And...this, for me at least, is where the episode transitions from something that's good yet...very standard, to something really cool.
While I still think the other three utilizations of The NotThem are a bit more clever...I will admit that I really like how terrifying it is in this scene. Not!Carl just strides into the house while Lawrence is paralyzed by fear, talking about how it would be rude to not come by when they lived so close, and then he just...sits there for the rest of the afternoon, not saying a word. Not only does this use one of my favorite aspects of The NotThem, that being the brief instances where it's willing to engage in behavior separate from the original person, but only just to the point where it's weird to the person who sees through the facade and no one else....but the whole atmosphere is so damn tense. Because like, in previous iterations of The NotThem, it's been really freaky, sure, but like...it's never done much beyond just replacing someone and...acting strange, that's about it. Hell, the stuff that Gertrude said about it at the end of last episode gave off the impression that as long as it successfully replaced someone, it was completely content until it chose a new victim somewhere else. Now, this episode disproves that in a later scene (let's just say I was...very wrong to assume that The NotThem's lack of motive meant it wouldn't hurt anyone else in the institute), but...I think its danger became apparent in this scene first. The way that Not!Carl just...sits there, staring at Lawrence with amusement, how Lawrence can never quite get a proper look at him (...very glitchy sounding to me...), but swears that his neck gets longer for a brief moment...it's all just so unnerving, and the way Lawrence's fear is described to us is absolutely perfect. And then, when Not!Carl leaves, and says "we must do this again, and soon", leaving Lawrence to cry alone....AAAAAAAAHHHHH THAT'S SO CREEPY!!! Look, The NotThem might not have the same charm or personality as other weird characters like Jane, Micheal, Mike and Agnes, hell, I kind of hate the thing with how it's just...built to ruin everything from the looks of it...but I'll be damned if it isn't one of my favorite monsters and concepts on the show. Honestly, I think the fact that it's...least like a person out of any of the freaks we've seen and/or heard of so far just adds to it, since it's the one that's most adamant on convincing people it's just a normal person. Just....wow, this is some good-ass horror. Oh, it also made me realize something really cool as well. I was looking back at Across the Street, just to make sure I hadn't missed anything relative, and had a good understanding of The NotThem's timeline, and when I did, I stumbled across a part where Not!Graham tells Amy he'll "have to return the visit someday." ...It's probably a good thing she moved if my interpretation if that line is true. Hell, maybe it's a good thing Melanie went to Amritsar for all I know! So yeah...that's a great scene and all, but it only gets better from here. This is where the episode gets very, very unique.
In the middle of the following night, Lawrence gets another knock on his door. (HOLY SHIT MICHEAL REFERENCE???!!!111) This time though, it's loud and harsh, and instead of Not!Carl, he's met by an old muscular black man with short grey hair and a stern and imposing aura, dressed in a white shirt with rolled up sleeves and a thin necktie. The man asks if Lawrence recognized his previous visitor, and as soon as Lawrence says no, he bolts into the house without a second thought, and orders him to get any photos that hadn't been changed. Out of fear or helplessness, he doesn't know, but Lawrence immediately obliges, and when he brings the photos downstairs, he decides to ask the old man for his name. He then introduces himself as...none other than Adelard Dekker. This was uh...quite the surprise honestly. I don't know...why exactly, but after last episode, I was kind of under the impression that he would be a...one time and you're done kind of character, you know? I mean, probably somewhat familiar with the paranormal if he was the guy who named The NotThem, maybe even an associate of The Magnus Institute, but like...I wasn't expecting him to be among the gallery of what-the-fucks that show up in statements given by relatively ordinary people, you know? But no, he's here, hence why this was in place of his own statement most likely, and he claims to be an "exorcist of sorts." ...Dude, if you end a claim like that with "of sorts", and exist in a series where almost everyone is vaguely suspect at best...you're not fooling anyone, I'm sorry. Suspicions aside though, Adelard starts flipping through all of the old photos, ignoring any and all of Lawrence's questions in the process, and when he finds the two unchanged photos, his lips twist into a wry and ominous smile. He tells Lawrence to follow him out into the street, and the two of them then pull a large wooden box out of his blue transit van, later carrying it inside the house. Lawrence tries to open it, and gets a brief glimpse of...dark varnished wood on the inside, but Adelard quickly slams down the lid before saying "it's not for you." ....The amount of sheer excitement and dread I got when this happened was a sight to behold. Like...that's one of the best feelings I get when listening to this podcast, the feeling of something familiar returning is such an adrenaline rush every time.
Well, while that's all exciting, if...slightly ominous, Lawrence is then instructed by Adelard to go up to his bedroom (what are you his dad), and to not leave "until it's safe." When Lawrence asks how doing so would help save Carl, Adelard quite sternly tells him that Carl is dead with little sympathy, and that this is all to prevent Lawrence from ending up like him. He stays in that room, all throughout the morning and into the afternoon, with there not being a word from Adelard. Then, at 3 PM, the exact same time Not!Carl made his visit the previous day, he hears that same soft knock on the door. The air grows heavy, an hour passes...and then Lawrence hears the most unnatural scream he's ever heard. Understandably terrified by this, he bolts out of his bedroom, but before he can leave the house...he checks the living room. And that's where we get the big reveal, the thing that nearly completes the timeline of The NotThem thus far. You know...I was certain we'd learn how it was bound to the table eventually...but I was certainly surprised, yet very elated, to see it happen ONE EPISODE after I started thinking about it seriously. Like...AAAAAAHHHHH IT'S SO EXCITING!!! I mean...I guess Jon getting that knowledge is ultimately a detriment but...we'll get to that soon enough. But in that living room, Lawrence sees Adelard, standing still with rapidly moving lips, although he can't hear any sound coming out. He sees that ever-iconic table with its intricate patterns, and in front of the table...is The NotThem in its true glory. It's long and thin with stick-like limbs, its head and shoulders are bent against the ceiling, and its face is unlike anything Lawrence had ever seen. Pulsing across the carved channels with a sickly pale light is spiderweb, and Lawrence watches as that web wraps around the grotesque creature in front of him. But as soon as he processes what's in front of him, he runs away. He doesn't return until the next morning. When he does, Adelard and his blue van are gone, the latter now replaced with an off-white one with something printed on the side. He then sees two men in overalls leave his house with Adelard's crate and OH MY GOD BREEKON AND HOPE!!! I'm honestly super glad to see them here, it would've been a shame if they didn't keep up their tradition of appearing once per post lmao. This also gives us a pretty good timeline of when they started transporting The NotThem. Although...maybe they were transporting it earlier, and they only started transporting it with the table after this? But like...if that were the case, and they were somewhat allied before this event...why would they not just destroy the table? Unless they..can't for some reason? And I doubt that The NotThem needed another being to carry it before it was bound to the table, so...huh? Unless Breekon and Hope are more interested in the table and not The NotThem? But then why was Adelard initially in possession of it? And how does that explain the weird connections between Not!Sasha and those two suggested in Still Life? I.....AAUUUGGHHHH. Look, we can at the very least say that this tells us when The NotThem was bound, by who, and when Breekon and Hope started transporting it and the table as a package deal. Either way, it's really cool to see them again! But uh...geeking out over two delivery men with an ambiguous dynamic aside, as they drive away, Lawrence returns to find the table, and the being that called itself Carl completely gone. That was the last time he saw any of those weird people, things or monsters, and when asked about his missing cousin...he just said they weren't close. ...Man, the people in this world go through just...the WORST days don't they? The UK is a cruel and unsightly place, holy shit.
So yeah, that's Distant Cousin. Well, the statement at least, I certainly have...quite a bit more to say about the episode as a whole. Yet another fantastic one all things considered. Admittedly, I...don't really have that much to say about it beyond my recap, because honestly...this is one of the first episodes in tma that feel like they wrap up a plotline. I mean, there's obviously still some stuff to unpack with The NotThem. Where it comes from, the deeper complexities of its nature, the statement of Adelard Dekker that goes over his knowledge of it, any other potential sightings of the creature, its connections to other things, and obviously...whatever happens with Not!Sasha going forward have yet to be fully resolved. But...I don't know, this episode still feels like a pretty definitive cap-off. We now have a pretty decent understanding of how The NotThem functions, how it was bound to the table and by who, and how it came into the possession of Breekon and Hope, at least alongside the table. And really, any mysteries that surround the thing...aren't really given more clarity in this episode, so those are matters for a later date. Overall, I don't have all that much to say...except for when it comes to one particular matter. That is of course, the mysterious Adelard Dekker. Adelard is...quite the perplexing and polarizing character to me. He's kind of come at a point where I'm thinking....SURELY there can't be any more important characters, right? Or at the very least, any important characters that'll show up later have been alluded to, even if they don't seem important initially. But...no. He is clearly quite the important figure, and as far as I'm concerned, he hasn't even been alluded to prior to The Kind Mother. So...what do I think of him? Well, he's very mysterious, but that doesn't mean I don't have thoughts about him. We currently know very little about his past or motivations, but what we do know is that he is...certainly familiar with The NotThem, having encountered it in some way, shape or form at least a decade before his appearance here, and giving a statement about it which we know Gertrude read. This kind of makes me wonder if Adelard was a witness to The NotThem replacing someone in his past, which honestly seems pretty likely since, like...how else would you have knowledge about it, but it's also possible that maybe he just heard about it from someone else, so...all of this is really just baseless conjecture for the moment, but I like the idea. At the very least, he's definitely familiar with ✨the horrors✨, and maybe other similar concepts depending on which theories you run with, that much is obvious based on all of the behavior he exhibits. No matter what his past with The NotThem is, he definitely understands it better than most, and given how he gave the creature...what seems to be accepted as its definitive name, at the very least by a very intelligent person who was more than familiar with the paranormal when she was still alive, I get the sense that he probably had some level of prestige in academia, maybe even being more familiar with The Magnus Institute than most, as I mentioned earlier. But now I want to adress...what he actually does in this episode.
So, yeah, it's confirmed now that Adelard is the man who bound The NotThem to the table, which is a really cool reveal! While motives for doing so remain unclear, it seems at least partially influenced by his position as an "exorcist of sorts", whatever that description...really entails up in the air. The thing is though, he's able to manipulate the power of the table, something clearly aligned with the spiders, without any external apparatus like a Leitner. The only other person who's been shown to do this is Raymond Fielding, a man who was very clearly a freaky spider person, so I'm naturally inclined to believe Adelard is also a creepy spider person much like him, along with Annabelle Cane from Thought for the Day, and the homeless woman Trevor killed in Children of the Night. Granted, he doesn't have a ton of spider-based imagery, but like...neither did Raymond really, outside of, much like Adelard, the cobwebs and his utilization of the table, so I think this checks out. But you see...that's where things start to concern me. Yes, Adelard did do something very helpful in this episode, I won't deny that, The NotThem is clearly a little bastard creature that's capable of much greater harm when not bound to the table (thank god it's there forever, right? ...right?), and he saved Lawrence's life. But outside of that...he is honestly pretty concerning to me. The whole vibe he gives off is extremely intimidating and...honestly really cold at times, Lawrence says it felt like Adelard was towering over him despite his smaller size. It also doesn't help that he's seemingly aligned with the spiders. Annabelle Cane and the unnamed homeless woman were seemingly a lot more monstrous and Jane-like in the way they're portrayed, so that leaves Raymond as the only...kind of level-headed spider person we have so far, and like...he's arguably one of the most twisted characters we've seen so far. It also doesn't help that the spiders are most prominently against The Cult of The Lightless Flame above all other factions, and while they certainly have their negative streak...I don't know, compared to a lot of other creepy factions and creatures, they're...marginally nicer, what with Arthur Nolan destroying Jane's wasp nest, and Agnes being....just a really tragic character from what we've seen. So...yeah, while it's admittedly not the best read of all time, given what little information and context clues we get on Adelard...I'm inclined to be pretty suspicious of him. He might be capable of helping people, but it might not be with the best motivations in mind. And I mean, if you go with my unlikely theory about The NotThem being a glitch in the simulated world that's freeing people in its own twisted way, and the spiders basically having the job of keeping things under control...yeah, it doesn't make him look good! And no, I don't think him giving a statement to the institute does him much favors, not only because the institute is already very sketchy in its own right, but also because we have had statements from the Season 1 antagonist, and...at least like, five people who have confessed to murder, as far as I'm concerned, any old ass can make a statement here. So...yeah, those are my thoughts on Adelard Dekker. Overall, he's a very interesting figure, if a little bit sketchy, but I'm really excited by the potential of learning more about him in the future, and I'm really happy that prominent new faces are still showing up! Although...I do actually have one more little theory regarding him, one that actually just popped into my head as I was writing this, and one that...might actually be very important with these next two episodes in mind.
Adelard...is honestly the best possible candidate for the person in the tunnels that I can think of at the moment. Like, seriously. Think about it. The little description we get of this person is very vague, but what we do know is that they are male-presenting, and middle-aged or older, both of which definitely fit Adelard. But beyond that, you know how I mentioned the idea of the person in the tunnels stealing Adelard's statement? Well...what if Adelard took his own statement? Maybe it had information in it that he doesn't want anyone to find, so he stole it, and maybe instead of Gertrude being the one who put Lawrence's statement in its place, it was him. Not to mention the fact that there's a notable abundance of spiders in the tunnels, even when compared to the rest of the institute, there's the fact that Not!Sasha has been heading down there, so like...maybe she's trying to get rid of the man who imprisoned her, and then there's the fact that...it would line up really well with where the story is now. I've already stated that I'm certain we'll learn who this person is in the finale, they were alluded to in the very first episode of the season, and more and more information surrounding them has been building up recently. So...then you have this brand new character getting mentioned for the first time in the final episodes of the season, his statement being notably missing, and everything that I just mentioned, and...yeah, I think it adds up nicely. Granted, the person in the tunnels has floor-moving abilities that we never see Adelard use, the spiders have apparently only been growing in numbers post Prentiss attack when this guy has probably been there longer (although that could be easily explained by them just…having more food now) and the description of "male and middle-aged" could probably fit a lot of characters, but...I don't know, this is really the best I've got. I think it would be pretty cool if we got to meet him in person in the finale, maybe he could help defeat The NotThem once and for all, or maybe we'd get to actually hear his statement, who knows? I'm just happy to actually have a theory regarding this person's identity, regardless of whether or not it's right, because honestly...I have had no damn clue what's been going on with this person this whole time. Like...not even an inkling, it's just been that damn vague. Although...given how Jon thinks the person in the tunnels murdered Gertrude...and the fact that I already don't trust Adelard...oh no. Well...at least her being the first one to mention him would be pretty cool foreshadowing! And you know what the funny thing is? All of that, everything that i just talked about...it isn't even the best part of the episode. That comes with the series of scenes at the end, and while I don't have many theories outside of "what the fuck is going to happen next"....I CERTAINLY have opinions. ...Despite the table being gone, I feel like it's going to haunt my nightmares even more from now on, given what...I now associate it with. (Oh, one more thing. Lawrence thinks Adelard is a Jehovah's Witness when he first sees him, so if this guy ends up being yet another little freak...just know that I am never going to let him live this down.)
Oh man. Oh. MAN. This ending. This ending is...a sight to behold. I feel like this is probably a very bold claim, but...this series of recordings, especially the final one...it might all come together to make up my favorite scene in all of tma so far. I'm serious. I mean, I'm almost certain it's at least my favorite scene outside of a statement, but that's already an extremely high bar. It's just....AAAAAAAHHHH IT'S ALL SO PHENOMENAL!!! I just...uh...here's what I think about the first recording. ...oh god. That is...deeply upsetting. This uh...it's doing a great job of showing Jon's mental state, but...man does it hurt. You know how I said that I was kind of starting to mourn for Sasha again? Well...yeah, this scene came at the best and worst possible time for me! Firstly, I love how for the past few episodes, Jon hasn't been doing his usual kind of follow-up. Usually, he talks about any external information regarding the statement that he was able to find, but here...no. He's figured out what's going on, and he's understandably much more concerned for himself and his coworkers that he is anyone in the statement, and it SHOWS. That aside though...he found the tapes stolen by Not!Sasha. Turns out they were in the desk he was rifling through the entire time, I don't entirely know why she didn't just destroy them, but...it certainly made for one hell of a scene. Hearing Jon replay the tapes, hearing Sasha's voice again...oh god it hurt like hell. Like, it's really cool and an amazing idea, but this is NOT HELPING THE GRIEVING PROCESS. I would have audibly cheered at the return of "kah-lee-o-pee" if it wasn't for the circumstances. And just...the way that Jon questions another outcome, dreadfully wondering if there was anything he could've done, if he could've been more attentive...it really hurts. It's bad enough that his coworker is dead, but it's even worse that it took him so long to notice. And then he ACTIVELY AVOIDS PLAYING THE PART WHERE SHE SCREAMS I CAN'T DO THIS I CAN'T DO THIS!!! Ugh god...why must he suffer like this, his misery is like a disease that spreads to me. And then there's the part where we once again hear Not!Sasha's "I see you"...and Jon responds with "and now I see you." ...Holy shit that is amazing dialogue. Like...wow. The scene where Not!Sasha arrives is one that lives in my head rent-free, so getting surprise payoff to it right here right now...it's an absolute stroke of genius, and a perfect way to make it clear that shit is about to go down. And I mean...it certainly does, although not in the way I expected or...really wanted. Honestly, the episode could've ended right here and I would've come out completely satisfied, but somehow....they ended it on an even higher note. I just. Why is this so damn good.
Ok, admittedly the second recording isn't like...absolute peak tma or anything, I don't think it hits quite as hard as the other two, nor do I think it would've worked as well as an ending, but like...it's still great, and I'm super glad that it was included because it makes the whole package feel a lot more complete, you know? Anyways, YAAAAAY MARTIN AND TIM WOOHOO!!! Thank god that they're back for the finale, I mean, I had very little doubt that they were going to show up, but it's still great to see them regardless. Now, I will admit that one of my main gripes with Season 2 has been...the unfortunate lack of the archival assistants. Like, they're still around a decent amount, we get to see them in a good few scenes...but I kind of feel like I don't truly know them. Don't get me wrong, I do love them, any time they show up in an episode it's absolutely fantastic, but like...beyond their basic vibes and small facts about them here and there...I just feel like I don't know them as well as I should? Like, they're supposed to be part of what you'd consider....the main cast, and they don't completely butcher that role, far from it...but I just feel like I should know more about them after nearly 80 episodes of...being aware of them. Sure, they're around in Season 2 more than they are in Season 1...but I just feel like they should be here a little bit more. Like, I have a decent idea of what's going on with them, Martin is obviously trying to hold everyone together while likely crushing on Jon, and Tim is just...absolutely done with this shit, I just wish we got to SEE that a bit more. Or I guess...hear it...you get what I mean. I mean, characters like Basira, Melanie, and even Gertrude, a character who's dead, feel like they've gotten quite a bit more development than these two, even though they...don't even work at the institute, at least not anymore in the latter's case, and one of them has only appeared in three episodes, only really being the star of two. I still love Martin and Tim for what they are, I just feel like they need...a little extra push if I'm to love them beyond just their personalities and vibes, because I don't feel like those can carry their entire characters in the long run. (Also, I don't have this problem with Elias, because I think he works best as an ominous figure in the background, and Not!Sasha because...she's a literal monster, she doesn't really need character development in my eyes.) Ok, that was a long rant, but with all of that said...I'm REALLY hoping these two get to do something cool in the finale. I felt like the Season 1 finale made massive strides for these two, it showed what...still feels like the biggest development that Martin, and his relationship with Jon have had so far, and both episodes really got me to love Tim, showing both his comedic and upset sides in full-force. So...yeah, I have high hopes for their involvement here, and I REALLY hope they don't get written out until the last second. It's especially enticing to me because if the ending of this episode is anything to go on, it seems like Martin and Tim will be separated from Jon for at least...some level of time. While that is...partially very scary, it could also provide a good opportunity for them to interact, which I would absolutely love because...I mean really, how often is Jon not in the room? I remember listening to the Martin poetry short (which I now know came out much later and probably altered my viewing experience, but as far as I know it didn't contain spoilers for anything past Season 1, and I'm already not having an average viewing experience by writing these damn posts so SHHHHHHHHH), and I really liked the dynamic that those two displayed, so...any chance to hear them just interact with each other without Jon in the room would be great. (which isn't to say I don't want Jon around, I absolutely love him of course, I'd just like to hear characters interact without him around every once in a while for the sake of shaking things up.) ...wow that was a long side tangent. Uh...what actually happens here?
Fuck, that took up and entire paragraph....why am I making these so long...ok anyways, Jon is a shit liar. He comes up to Martin and Tim saying that he's coming down with something, and that they should both take the next couple of days off since he still has "things he needs to take care of." Now, I don't think either of them believe him fully, that's clear enough from the tones of their voices, but they both display very different attitudes towards him. I think Tim realizes that something is up with him, but given that the animosity between them hasn't really died down, he's more than content to leave Jon behind. That...admittedly isn't a great look on him. Look, I feel like I'm a fairly strong Tim defender, I absolutely understood his side of things in Binary...but I feel like this is kind of...objectively wrong of him. I get why he's still mad at Jon, but like...leaving him behind when he's clearly in a vulnerable state and is likely about to do something dangerous...yeah that's...not all that good. I think it's an interesting character flaw that could be explored in really clever ways, so I'm ultimately happy to see more sides of him...it's just that said side of him isn't especially pretty. It doesn't really make me like him much less, as I said I think it strengthens the nuance of his character, which he definitely needs since he's...from my point of view, the least-fleshed out archival assistant (and also, any character who seduces cops for information and comes up with the Joe Spooky gag is at least a 9/10), but...I'd like to see him do better if possible. It also doesn't help that I feel like he disregards Jon's apology in quite a passive aggressive manner, like, I strongly doubt the cheery goodbye he gives is all that genuine after everything that's happened, but then again, I think it's not unfounded to question the legitimacy of Jon's apology, given that it's pretty out of nowhere and hidden behind some lies, and even though I personally think a part of it is genuine given how he clearly isn't happy about the distance he's created...it's still not wholly being done with the intention of righting his wrongs and getting better, he's only saying it now of all times because he needs Tim and Martin away from him...and is about to commit his craziest act in the entire story so far. So yeah, I get where Tim's coming from...but the whole situation kind of just sucks, and him just dragging Martin along didn't help either. Speaking of which, what about Martin?
Well...he continues to be the resident "poor guy" of this entire story, which is saying something given the fact that "poor guy" is an excellent way of describing the protagonist who's been in every episode. Much like we saw in the opening scene of Thought for the Day, he's still trying his best to just...hold everyone and everything together, making sure that it's all holding up well after the Prentiss attack and that the archives don't collapse in on themselves. And like...god damn, someone give him a hand, or a hug, or just anything. Right after Jon stops bullying him, he just...immediately gets saddled with being the resident institute superglue, and like....I feel really bad because he's genuinely such a sweetheart :(. Even though it doesn't seem like he fully believes Jon, he still tries to sympathize with him, offering to take him to a nearby walk-in when he mentions being ill, and then he runs out after Tim at the end in an attempt to keep them together. It's just...I feel like he's too nice for his own good, you know? He's really sweet, but it's to a detriment, and that's one of many reasons why I'm really desperate to learn more about his past, I feel like something definitely...made him this way, and that feeling applies to Jon and Tim as well, I just...yeah, his behavior here is one of many instances of something that makes me scream at the archival staff until they tell me all of their secrets, because I am getting HUNGRY for their lore. ...It also makes me really want to see Martin just...snap in the season finale. So, I've never really talked about it before since I was waiting for the opportune moment to do so, but uh...Martin has a few little weird things going on with him. Like, I've already mentioned the spider connections a couple of times, which just get more and more concerning to me as time goes on, but like...he lied on his CV, steals the tape recorders to put down his (NOT shitty and I will stand by that until the day I die) poetry, and also somehow pulled the whole worm corkscrew solution out of the deepest trenches of his brain. I don't think Martin is like this...secret manipulator villain or anything, I feel like that's a really obvious and boring card to play, and one that the podcast is above, but like...he is capable of scheming, and isn't just some shy little uwu baby. Combine that with the fact that he endured Jon's bullying throughout Season 1 (remember the time Jon sent him to investigate the Piecemeal lady? Because I do, what the fuck was his problem), and that he's now enduring just...everyone being so much less normal than him, I think he has earned the right to go ham at least once in his life. If that happens in the season finale I will jump for joy. Oh and uh...mentioning his relationship with Jon...I kind of wonder how that supposed crush is going.
It's overall been a very, VERY minor part of the season, which...I'm honestly fine with? Like, while I do wish other aspects of the archival assistants came into play more often, this B-plot is pretty lighthearted at the moment, and given where Jon and Martin are with each other...yeah, it wouldn't feel right to make it a major focus at the moment, I think more of their general dynamic needs to be fleshed out first, and also, a horror-mystery is one of the last genres where I'd want shipping to be front and center, so...yeah, I'm fine with its relative lack of presence. But that doesn't mean that I don't like it! While I think they'd be...an admittedly disastorous couple in the state they're in right now, I think it's a really funny and actually kind of sweet idea, and it could work in the future, it's just...boy does the future not seem bright. I honestly don't know if this idea will ever amount to anything, I mean, it hasn't even been stated that there's a crush going on, I'm just going on that assumption because of the poetry short, my constant need to look for queer subtext whenever I can reasonably find it, and...admittedly the fact that I've seen some fanart a few times, altthough as far as I'm concerned, I haven't been spoiled on anything, and it's been quite a while since I saw it. But like...regardless of whether it's canon or fanon, destined to succeed or destined to fail...I think it's a fun idea, which is honestly saying a lot for something that is...debatably a bully x victim ship in the early stages of the series, which I'm usually not huge on. But going on the assumption that he does indeed have a crush on Jon...I kind of wonder where this crush comes from? Maybe it's driven by...I don't know, Jon reminding him of someone from his past, maybe he's just very emotionally driven and doesn't understand it either, or in the funniest case scenario, the number one thing on Martin's mind is "I can fix him". As minor as the whole thing is...I'm invested in regardless. ...WOW this really went off the rails. I...I'm so sorry this has gotten so long, I know I said I didn't have too many theories but..god. I swear I'm almost done. Anyways, long story short, I'm really happy that Martin and Tim have come back, I hope to see more of them in the last two episodes, I'm very invested in both of them even if I wished they showed up more often, and it'll be both hilarious and deeply concerning if Elias spends yet another season finale vibing upstairs as Jon gets chased around by another eldritch monster...or two. Anyways, the recording ends with Jon apologizing to Martin and Tim, saying that they deserve the truth, but he's not losing anyone else. ...Christ that is sad. Even if Jon makes some stupid decisions here and there, (VERY IMMINENT FORESHADOWING) even if he can really struggle with proper communication...I don't doubt that he feels genuine remorse for his actions, and that despite it all, he has a good heart. ...Unfortunately he does not have a very good brain, which is embarrassing for an adult academic. So..yeah. It's...it's time for the big one. The one that I feel pretty confident in saying is my favorite directly recorded moment in the entirety of tma so far, maybe even being my favorite moment both in and out of statements, but is a masterclass of storytelling either way. But before you read my thoughts on it...just take five seconds to guess what my initial reaction to this scene was, ok? 5, 4, 3, 2, 1...
Screaming. It was screaming. I was screaming internally, maybe even externally but if so I couldn't hear it over the sound of my internal scenes. "That was very stupid" YEAH MICHEAL I'D HAVE TO AGREE WITH YOUR CRYPTIC ASS FOR ONCE. This scene...I mean, where to begin? Well uh...the beginning. The scene starts off with Jon creepily whispering "it is remarkably easy to buy an axe in Central London" into the recorder. So, he's already setting off some serious alarm bells in my head...great. Let's just...add that line to the ever-growing shelf of tma quotes that live rent free in my head, we'll put it next to "Martin...you didn't die here, did you?" for....dumb man related reasons. Funny thing is, when I first heard this line, I was under the assumption that he was just about to...fucking decapitate Not!Sasha, especially since he said "I'll be seeing her later", and that would've already been dangerous and stupid in its own right...but now I kind of wish that was what he did. Because instead....he..oh my god. This guy...he reads a statement, and the purpose of this statement is to tell whoever reads it "hey! The NotThem is bound to the table! The table is keeping it trapped! It does not like it in there, but it is severely less likely to hurt people, and it's now basically impossible to hurt anyone who isn't within its general proximity! It can only hurt the people that the cockney delivery men want it to! Would be a shame if it somehow escaped!"...and yet, the thing he takes away from it...is that The NotThem is directly, biologically(?) connected to the table. ...So he decides to go grab an axe in broad daylight...and smash the only thing really keeping him safe from getting replaced. I just...I have no-well no I do actually have words, but WOW are they hard find. This is...by far the stupidest decision I've seen take place in the story so far, even JOSEPH RUSSO made better decisions, because at least he and other similar statement givers can be slightly excused by not being familiar with what they're dealing with. But Jon...he should not have this excuse. He has heard of The NotThem four times, one of which is an instance he is currently living through, and like...if those statements aren't enough, then maybe take a look at the Hill Top Road story?! But...no! He just decides to smash the thing in a massive fit of rage, because HE CAN"T BE TRUSTED TO HANDLE THIS SHIT ON HIS OWN. This is something evident from Season 1 honestly, because while he wasn't nearly as mentally broken there as he is now, if it wasn't for discoveries made by Martin and Sasha...he would have been eaten by worms. It's just....AAAAAUUUGHHH THIS WHOLE THING MAKES ME SO ANGRY, AND THE WORST PART IS...it's actually a very logical and clever thing to make his character do.
Like, I'm very pissed off at Jon right now (not as much as I'm scared for his life obviously), but...dammit, it's actually a fantastic part of the story. Jon's entire arc in Season 2 has been one massive downward spiral, no matter how much he tries to get better, he always finds himself deeper and deeper inside paranormal shit, something that in retrospect, was foreshadowed brilliantly by the first episode. So in all honesty, I've kind of been expecting him to do something extremely reckless and dangerous for quite a while now, but...what he ended up doing was so much more stupid than I could've ever predicted, which yeah, is a little bit frustrating, but I overall have to commend Jonny for still managing to subvert my expectations like this. I'm upset with Jon as a person...but when it comes to Jon as a character, I think it's a very logical thing for him to do, so I really like this decision. And honestly...I've seen worse. One of my least favorite tropes in horror is when characters are just made cartoonishly stupid for the sake of making bad things happen, but here...I don't know, it feels a lot more earned. Like, I do genuinely believe that this is something Jon would do given the current state of his mind and emotions, which is honestly something that tma does really well across the board. Every character feels like they're as smart as they should be, and there's a good level of diversity in terms of levels of intelligence. And I mean...god, the entire scene does go really hard. The sound of the axe hitting against the wood (which by the way, I...do admittedly find it kind of funny that something so consistently powerful and ominous was destroyed so easily), Jon's frustrated grunts that show off his sheer rage and anger at The NotThem and everything associated with it perfectly, the static noise that gets louder and louder before being eclipsed by a low scream (which like...I kind of wonder if that's supposed to be the static noise for the spiders, since all of ✨the horrors✨ seem to have their own specific sound), and then the way the noise stops as the table is destroyed, with Jon letting out an exhausted chuckle at the end...it's all really chilling, and I genuinely froze up while listening to it. It also kind of feels like...I don't know, the end of an era. From all the weird shit at Hill Top Road to post 2001 encounters with The NotThem, this table has caused so much damage...and now it's finally gone. That's obviously not a good thing overall...but I'll be damned if there isn't a sense of finality with its destruction. And mentioning finality...I fear such a concept will meet Jon's life very soon. After he destroys the table, a new static noise starts creeping in...and there he is. The man(?), the myth(?), the legend(?)....Micheal McFuckHands. Let's. Fucking. GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! He might have had his time to shine in Fatigue, but now, after 31 episodes of not hearing his voice, he's FINALLY back in the spotlight. Also, I absolutely love how HE, the most cryptic and vague character in the entire story so far, who is intent on making it as clear as possible that he is not human, just comes in saying the truest thing ever. Just...god I love him so much. "That was very stupid" can also go on the quote shelf. Honestly, Micheal is a peak example of what vibes alone can do to someone. We know next to NOTHING about this guy, he's only properly appeared in four episodes, two of which didn't actually have his voice...and he's probably, no, definitely my favorite character so far. Just...this man has such a visceral effect on me that I can't ever properly describe. What an icon.
Anyways, he shows up, Jon says "what do you want" in a very cold manner (which makes me laugh because it suggests to me that despite them presumably only interacting once before this, he's already tired of his bullshit), and Micheal responds by telling Jon the obvious. While doing so, he mentions..."the protections he has here", and how he doubts Jon can survive The NotThem even with those on. I find this pretty interesting, it definitely adds to the inherent weirdness of the institute, but...it could mean a whole plethora of things, and this section is already long enough so...maybe that's a discussion for another time. But as Jon's mistake finally sets in...we start to hear Not!Sasha in the distance, calling out his name as her voice gets closer and closer...and gradually more distorted. AAAAAAAHHHHH THAT'S SO TERRIFYING!!! Like...after a whole season of her just hanging around for the most part, the prospect of her finally going full massive monster is just...just no. No thanks. I...also feel like I should point out how we now have Micheal and The NotThem in the same scene, since I pointed out their similarities in one of my theories. Admittedly, while I do find these odd shared traits interesting...I have to be honest, I'm becoming less and less inclined to follow that theory of mine as time goes on. I still think it's very cool conceptually but...eh, there's a number of holes in the idea, and now that we know the table is not connected to The NotThem outside of it acting as a prison, and that it has much more of a prominent spider connection than a fractal connection...yeah, that's already some evidence for the two of them being "aspects of The Stranger" gone down the drain. I'll still keep that theory about "The Stranger" referring to viruses in the code in my mind, but...I think the idea of it referring to one of ✨the horrors✨, namely the one that The NotThem and all of the stuff from Still Life serve, makes a lot more sense. Besides, it's taken a lot of effort to assemble a list of ✨the horrors✨, so I don't want to tamper with it too much unless I absolutely have to. I still think the simulation idea works well enough, and the idea of Micheal specifically being a virus or error also works...but I think I'll hold off on The NotThem for now. Still, them being in the same scene like this is interesting. But uh...finally wrapping things up, Jon starts freaking out as Not!Sasha starts approaching (I definitely imagine her sort of...going into her true form as this happens as well), and then...Micheal opens his door, basically saying that it's Jon's only way out. ...Oh my god. That is as terrifying as it is awesome. With that, the episode ends as Not!Sasha bursts into artifact storage, and Micheal leaves us with his...subjectively beautiful laughter. So um...yeah. Needless to say I'm absolutely terrified. The NotThem is pursuing Jon (PLEASE don't let Not!Jon become a thing), he's probably going to find himself in Micheal's backrooms which is...fun..I guess, Martin and Tim are...somewhere, as is Elias...there's probably going to be some stuff with the tunnels, some big answers regarding the guy down there, maybe some Gertrude lore, maybe some involvement from Basira, the next episode will probably be like Infestation...I don't know. I...guess I'll just have to see for myself. Great episode but....ugggggghhhh god help me.
Supplemental: Wow....that came out much longer than I expected. And it took longer too, Christ it was like three days. Uh...thank you so much for making it this far, I do hope you can see why this post has taken so long to get published, but like...I seriously appreciate anyone who's reading this very sentence, you rock. I...really wish I could spare you from a longer supplemental, especially since I still have two more episodes and a little bonus thing to write for....but I'm sorry, this has been playing on my mind and if I don't get it out soon I'm going to explode. I'll try and make it quick. So, I've obviously been drawing attention to how weird the institute is a lot recently, and while I still stand by that claim (especially with what Micheal says in this episode)...I haven't really thought about how weird the archives are specifically, in comparison to the rest of the institute. It's outright said by Mary in First Edition that the people on higher floors of the institute (so, presumably different departments) don't understand how special the archives are, which...might honestly explain why Elias acts the way he does if it turns out he's not that aware of his own institute's weirdness, although I'm still personally pretty suspicious of his demeanor. But like...if Mary, who is the institute's Number 1 hater, is able to admit that there's something special about the archives...there's clearly something going on there that's worth drawing attention to. And...do you remember how in Crusader, Gertrude talked about how she thought the old ruins of the serapeum were a "previous iteration of the archive", and how the creepy cyclops monster was likely once an archivist? Well, the way she talked about it...to me, it didn't sound like she was calling the serapeum just...an old archive in general, but specifically, an archive that the modern day Magnus Institute archives are based on. This leads me to believe that Jonah Magnus, or...whoever made tha archives of the institute specifically, somehow adopted the design of the serapeum archives, and brought its paranormal properties with it. For what purpose, I don't know, we know that the institute was relocated to London after starting in Edinburgh, but that Jonah had knowledge of the strange architecture of Robert Smirke (which the institute was built on top of, ala the tunnels) before he did so, so...he clearly was not opposed to the idea of making the institute paranormal. But..it's concerning. Especially if that cyclops thing is a previous archivist, and the archivists are a sort of...lineage that stretches back to god knows when like Jon suggests...like, that's weird right? Is that meant to suggest that Jon will become a cyclops monster one day? Is that...somehow what remains of Gertrude, if she even has remains beyond her human corpse? Do certain other weird qualities of the institute, like the inability to quit or be fired...only apply to the archives? I'm just...oh god I need to lie down. There’s just so many mysteries, and trying to solve them is a…not fruitless, but certainly rigorous endeavor. That's all from me...I think at least, uh...see you for episode 79. ...why is this so long...
- Episode 79, Hide and Seek 🫥
Original recording of manifestations and sightings at the Magnus Institute, London.
...do...do you get it? The emoji? It's like- it's like a person fading away. Because of...because of The NotThem. ...Look I'm really trying here, it's hard to sum up 15 minutes of running, screaming and lore-dropping in a single symbol. Anyways uh...what was I supposed to be doing again? Oh yeah, AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAAAAAAAAAATTTT???!!! ...Much better. So as expected for this lovely little season finale, I just...cannot catch a break, can I? I don't think ANYONE can vatch a break in this scenario, not me, not the characters (except for Micheal who's having the time of his....what I think is a life, and Elias who's smoking pot in his office), and not Rusty Quill because holy shit those audio distortions are a lot. Thankfully, this episode is pretty short, and due to its structure, there's probably not going to be as much recap to get through, mostly analysis, which is...very handy given that the final episode of the season is the longest in the series so far. But...as for that analysis...ohohohoho. There is some...very, very interesting information in this episode to unpack. I don't know how many new theories I might have here, but I at the very least know that this episode has done a great job pushing the plot forward...and holy shit, do I feel validated by some of the fuel it's added to my pre-existing theories. It's certainly a chaotic ride, and...dear god, there is a LOT riding on the next episode's back after this one, but for now...I'm just going to lay out my thoughts in as coherent of a manner as I possibly can. I just...I...the fact he's called "Mystery Figure" in the credits and transcipt is both a blessing and a curse, my god.
So, here's a fun fact for you. After the...not so calm events of Distant Cousin, especially with the ending in mind...I was understandably very scared of what was to come next. For all I knew, I would be greeted by the raging screams of a mangled changeling creature as soon as my beloved intro music faded away, and when you combine that with my scrambled thoughts, busy schedule and the...three days I spent writing the last part good god, and you're left with someone who takes an entire week to muster up the courage to listen to this one. Finally, I know what it's like to listen to this podcast as it comes out kind of maybe not really! So...imagine my suprise when I finally tune on in...and I am greeted by the admittedly subpar musings of a verbally abused queer office worker. ...God I hate my life. I don't even think there's any greater meaning to the episode opening up this way beyond it just...being on the tape Tim uses. Like, believe me, I've tried examaning what the poem says...five or six times now, but beyond London, architecture and...people...yeah there's nothing there. So as far as I'm concerned, this was just put at the beginning to toy with people like me. ....Well played Jonny. And like...I'm sorry, I know I've been defending Martin's poetry since the beginning of the season (not like...as a consistent thing, but...you get what i mean), but...yeah I'm not impressed by this. Maybe it gets better later on, but for now...poor job Mr. Blackwood. Also, this just made me remember that he has a middle name. What is it though? "Korn"? "Krispy"? "Kill me, for I have fallen in love with the worst possible man to fall in love with?" Is this the most important mystery of the entire plot? Who knows, (aside from....everyone who's already finished the podcast I guess) but for now, let's just move on to the actual plot of the episode. So....I must give my deepest apologies to Tim. As it turns out, he thankfully knows better than to leave Jon alone like that. I mean, I already figured he knew something was up, but it's good to know he didn't just leave with Martin despite it. Granted though, it doesn't mean that he's...exactly worried about Jon. He's a lot more worried about what Jon might do specifically, doesn't think his apology was genuine, and is there to...stop him rather than save him, which is in stark contrast to Martin, who's obviously a lot more genuinely worried for him. Once again, it's....somewhat frustrating to see Tim act like this, but also understandable from his perspective. Sure, his lack of concern for Jon's wellbeing isn't...great, but like...he's in a situation like no other, so I can't blame him for being kind of self-serving, since even though he's wrong to assume that he's the only one in the archives who feels alone...at the end of the day, he's still alone, and he doesn't seem to have much to distract himself with. You know...I know that the whole thing about him seducing cops for information was kind of played for laughs...but I do have to wonder if that shows a lack of ability for personal connection on Tim's part...or maybe I'm just reading too much into things. My point is, as always, it's frustrating to see Tim have so little regard for Jon's wellbeing, and parts of his reasoning for acting that way are certainly flawed...but I fully understand where he's coming from. Everyone might be in the same lonely situation, and it's hard for me to determine whether or not Tim really has it worse than everyone else...but I can at the very least tell that the toll it takes on him is...different, it makes him more angry than sad or scared. I do hope we get to learn a bit more about his deeper psyche and elusive past eventually though, because right now...while I still really like him, it's sort of hard to pin down what my overall view on his character is.
Anyways uh...minor character rambling aside, it's nice to see Martin and Tim's escapades recorded here, even if it's supposed to be used for court evidence, and also totally not being done on the same tape used to record Streets by Martin K. Blackwood. I'll touch a bit more on their dynamic with each other later, but for now, just know that it was really nice to see them interact without Jon around, even if the circumstances make their relationship a...bit less happy and fun than what was heard in the Epiphany short. But uh...back to what they're actually doing, as they go around the archives looking for Jon, they eventually find that he's not in his office...of course. But as they wander around...Tim brings up some interesting points. I am happy to say that FINALLY, after all the small little hints spread throughout the past two seasons...the weirdness of the institute is finally going places. Tim talks about how he can't quit or get fired, the same seemingly applying to Jon, points out how Elias doesn't even run the place properly (THANK GOD he says that because holy shit if that isn't weird I don't know what is), he talks about how something is watching everyone and messing with their heads, and how...Jon's behavior seems supernatural in itself. This is all...extremely gripping to me. We get more clear and substantial information on some of these topics later in the episode, but...this certainly sows some seeds right out of the gate. The whole...watching thing reminds me of all the eye imagery, which thankfully comes back around later, but like...I'M STILL PRETTY FREAKED OUT ABOUT IT. I'm starting to get...genuinely very suspicious of Elias, like, it's funny to me that despite him having...arguably the most detailed backstory out of anyone in the institute so far (which isn't saying much but still), he's...honestly the most mysterious and polarizing to me. I REALLY need some more lore on him soon, because right now...piecing him together is damn near impossible. And then we have Tim thinking that Jon himself is supernatural, which...well, I'll get to that later, but this is all very intriguing for now. He also moves on to say that he thinks the institute is more haunted than it used to be, and-oh look there's the mangled changeling creature screams! So...yeah, as soon as he says that, The NotThem, now in its true form from the sound of things, bursts through a door, and immediately scuttles down through the trap door and into the tunnels, still on the hunt for Jon. Now, while the timing of its...pleasant noise is played for dramatic irony, comedic effect and a jumpscare, it did also make me realize something. A while back, I proposed that the reason Tim's unable to quit was because The NotThem was utilizing the power of the table against them, binding them with its webs in a similar manner to what Adelard Dekker did. Now...I'm pretty damn certain that's not the case. Not only do we learn a little bit more about The NotThem's purpose later on, which doesn't really seem to require it to do or want to do such a thing, but I think it's safe to say that it and the table are entirely separate things now, and that it can't utilize the table's power itself, as that power likely only belongs to spider people like Raymond and Dekker. Just...wanted to clear that up, but going back to the story, Martin notices how much The NotThem looks like..."Sasha", but both he and Tim deny that it's her. Which like...yeah, it isn't, but I find it both funny and tragic that their reasoning for thinking so is completely wrong. But while they're obviously very freaked out by the sudden appearance of... god-knows-what, Martin refuses to let up. Realizing that The NotThem is after Jon...he heads into the tunnels, and since it's physically impossible to say no to him, Tim follows. Oh...dear me. I know I said I'm glad to have some Martin and Tim escapades in this episode...but I would've honestly been fine if they just went to get lunch and that was it. Regardless, now that they're in the tunnels, how's Jon doing?
Ok, on the count of five, give me your best guess as to how Jon's doing. Five, four, thre-BAD. HE'S DOING BAD OF COURSE HE'S DOING BAD! LIKE ALWAYS HE IS DOING BAD. Granted though...he could be worse. Unsurprisingly, he found himself in...quite the sticky situation at the end of last episode, so he was left with no choice but to go through Micheal's door. On the bright side though, it turns out that the door isn't just an immediate sentence to the backrooms, as Micheal actually sent him to the tunnels instead. That actually gets me wondering if...maybe the Micheal and the door are more separate than I initially assumed. We know that he is...in one way or another, the same being as the backrooms, but now that it's been shown the door and the backrooms aren't neccessarily connected, I have to wonder if...maybe the door is some sort of artifact that Micheal's got his big-ass hands on, and while he usually uses it to trap people in his hell dimension, i might ultimately be just...some kind of general teleportation device, and that...also makes me wonder if the backrooms have a set location on earth that we just don't know about yet. Well, at least Jon isn't there, although the tunnels are only...marginally better than the backrooms if I'm being honest. I do find it kind of interesting that the tunnels and the backrooms are so similar though, like, they have their fair share of differences, but...I don't know, Jon straight up says they're both corridor hellmazes, so there might be some relevance there. Uhhhhh....MICHEAL THEORY #47!!! He's like...some sort of sentient construct built by Robert Smirke, since he also built the tunnels. I'll add that one to my list of theories, and then proceed to do nothing with it ever again. Anyways, going back to Jon....yeah, he's in a bad spot. He has no idea where in the tunnels he even is, is trying his best to stay hidden from The NotThem, and is THANKFULLY bemoaning his destruction of the table. I can not even begin to tell you how much of a raging inferno I would've become if he just...never acknowledged his own stupidity in that moment ever. Ultimately though, I forgive him, since not only did...I mean, I...think things have turned out ok by the end of this episode? Maybe? I guess I'll just have to wait and see, but...the main reason I'm forgiving him is because HOLY SHIT IF I DON'T FEEL VALIDATED BY THIS SCENE. Jon talks about how the table is associated with webs and spiders, and how that force naturally opposes and weakens The NotThem. This isn't like...a huge revelation or anything, I think anyone with ears (except for Jon in the previous episode apparently) can probably figure that out, but...it's like the biggest acknowledgement of this opposition between forces that we've gotten so far, not even the episodes with The Cult of The Lightless Flame against the spiders got this much acknowledgement on that front, and...it REALLY does add fuel to my ideas surrounding ✨the horrors✨, at least in my opinion. Maybe not aspects like my exact list of them, or all of the stuff surrounding the simulation theory (excluding that now...likely outdated interpretation of "The Stranger" for the record), but...at this point, I think it's safe to say that there's multiple eldritch beings influencing all of the monsters, weirdos and artifacts that have shown up so far, all in opposition. Like...I'd be stunned if that wasn't the route they were going down at this point, but I'm honestly just...really happy that at the very least...parts of my initial interpretations behind ✨the horrors✨ are being confirmed as we speak. I've had these ideas for a very long time now so...I'm praying that I get a decent amount correct here, and Jon's whole monologue here is one of quite a few suspected answers to those prayers. But with all of that aside for the moment, Jon says that he's going to conserve what tape he has...and then we hear that distorted call of his name before the recorder clicks. ...yippee.
We cut back to Martin and Tim, who've now entered the tunnels in search of Jon and....what to them is some sort of really gangly whatever that looks like a REALLY stretched out "Sasha". You know...if they manage to escape from their current predicament...I wonder how they're going to react if Jon tells them what he learned. That could be...very upsetting. Well, before I start getting scared and depressed, let's try and stay on track. So Tim and Martin's ideological differences really shine in this scene. Tim starts being a little hypocritical, suggesting they try and get Elias after calling him useless earlier, and Martin holds this and his initial desire to not do anything about Jon against him, while also complaining about how he's never heard. So yeah...both of them are being extremely petty and I absolutely love it. I know I said I love their friendship in that short, but this...this is just as good, if not better (although it does make me pretty sad to see them fight as well). Anyways, Tim angrily asks Martin what he even wants, and...he says that if he wants everyone to be happy forever, it's not going to happen. Now, I can't disagree with him there, I mean...look at what's going on right now, everyone here is absolutely traumatized, but I find this line kind of interesting because...it seems like Tim is deflecting? Or at the very least, he's venting his own frustrations while also pinning them onto Martin. I say this because, personally, I see Tim as someone who...doesn't cope well in situations where people aren't happy. He's less prone to fixing the problem than Martin, who keeps on pushing to make things better despite there...unfortunately being a slim chance of return, but...I don't know. His behavior in Season 1 shows that he's kind of the office ray of sunshine, at least until after the Prentiss attack, and even in Season 2...while he's most upset about stuff like Jon watching his house, he also gets upset seeing Jon just...do weird shit in general, like whispering into a supplemental tape that didn't even concern him. I'd hesitate to call him some sort of...massive empath, not only due to his disregard for Jon but...also because I feel like Martin fulfills that narrative role a bit more, but...I don't think he's someone who copes well in environments where others are unhappy or stressed. I think it just...REALLY kills the vibe for him in a way that leads to him doing toxic or unhealthy things, and I find that to be an interesting character flaw. And then we have Martin's response, which also reveals some interesting things about his character. Firstly, I'm happy to report that he POPPED THE HELL OFF!!! I'm really happy to see him finally get genuinely angry and express his emotions, I mean, I was kind of hoping for something like him brutally murdering The NotThem in a fit of rage, because that would've been...just the most metal thing the podcast could do at the moment, but I'll still take what I can get. Although...him brutally murdering someone isn't off the table. Like...I've said before that I think an "evil Martin" twist wouldn't be my favorite thing, which I still stand by, but like...I could work with a gradual corruption arc, or something adjacent, if it meant him REALLY cutting loose. But as much as I love this whole scene, along with Alex's delivery...something stands out to me about it. While Martin is angrily expressing his emotions, which is overall a massive sign of growth...he's not really standing up for himself. He's standing up for Jon, he's standing up for...generally everyone, talking about how Tim doesn't realize he's the only person suffering, but...he's not quite standing up for himself. Which like, yeah, that makes sense since Tim has not been nearly as hostile to him as he's been with Jon...but it did make me come to a bit of a realization. Martin Blackwood...probably has some issues with self-worth.
I mean, I feel like I've known that subconsciously since his debut, but...it hasn't really hit me just...how much of an unfortunate pushover this guy is, and I say that lovingly. It's not exactly the most...wild take of all time, I know, but I've never really discussed the fact before. Martin is always extremely doting towards others, always looking out for them before himself. Now, I'm sure that quite a lot of that comes from him just being a genuinely kind and empathetic person, don't get things twisted. But there's a difference between being loving towards others, and being so prepared to put others first that you neglect your own happiness. Because, take a look at every scene Martin's in, or every comment that's been made about him...and you start to realize how a shockingly tiny amount of what he does ever benefits him specifically, it's usually benefiting everyone at best, and hurting him at worst. And while he's always sweet and courteous and rarely super upset or down...I can't name a scenario where he seemed really, TRULY happy, even Jon has a couple of scenes like that, but not Martin. And even when he does do some rather self-serving things here and there, like stealing recorders for his poetry or lying on his CV...he's always super ashamed of it. Those two things I just mentioned remain his biggest secrets to date, when honestly, they're...pretty harmless all things considered. But things like those slightly cheeky actions, and his monologue in this very scene...they show that he has the capacity to be an upstanding person, I don't think he's a pushover deep down, he definitely has a sturdy spine...he just doesn't use it. I'm starting to get the sense that his "sweet little guy" personality is kind of a mask, but not in a manipulative sociopath way, more in a..."I really need people to not hate me" sort of way. I think that he believes if he doesn't act all sweet and humble, people won't like him, he doesn't think people would like a version of him that stands up for himself, which makes Jon's initial distaste for him EVEN more depressing in retrospect. Even in this scene, the most he's ever stood up for what he believes in...he's not doing it for himself. He's doing it for Jon. And like, while I still think the idea of JonMartin could really go in great directions in the future, this is one of the reasons why I'm actually not onboard with the idea when you consider the current state of the characters, beyond it being...kind of funny to ship them in their current states, because at the end of the day they're just soaking wet fictional men. Not only do I feel like they wouldn't work as they are now because...truth be told, I'm not really convinced that Jon reciprocates his feelings at the moment, even if their platonic relationship has seen some noticeable growth since Season 1, but also because I feel like that if Martin were to be in a relationship, he'd need to learn to serve himself here and there. A relationship where he throws away everything for a man who...cares about him, sure, but not quite THAT much...it just wouldn't work. I still think that there's many routes the two of them can take going forward, and a lot of those routes could result in a genuinely great relationship...but now? Nah. And...one last thing, going back to the whole thing about Martin not believing that people would like a version of him that stands up for himself...I find that so sad because...they absolutely would. And why do I think that? Well, that's because of my good friend Epiphany!
In this short, Tim outright says that Martin will give himself away until there's nothing left of him to be loved, and that people will love him not because of what he has to give, but because of where he stands firm. And while Martin genuinely appreciates the advice...I don't think he's really been taking it. Part of it might be due to the fact that his relationship with Tim, the guy who gave him the advice in the first place, has worsened since that short's place in the timeline, but I would not be surprised if it was also just...part of the way his brain works. He knows that he should love himself more, he knows that it'll make his life better...but I don't think he knows how to start doing so. Ultimately, I get the sense that Martin's character arc is likely to be one of self-worth, whether he gains or loses more is entirely up in the air, but it's interesting regardless.
Well...that was a long side tangent. I know this is...pretty different from what I usually write in these posts, but that's because I'm just...really happy that I'm starting to understand these characters beyond just the sum of their parts. As much as I do truly love making all of my wild speculations and analysis of the plot, lore and world of tma, I have really been wanting to do some more detailed character analysis for a while now. Because...this podcast has a genuinely really endearing cast of characters, I think they're all very interesting, but I think the anthological structure, along with the fact that the majority of recurring characters have yet to appear outside of statements where they're not much more than a mysterious stranger, makes it hard to truly understand every dimension of every person. I will admit that I was...a little harsh on Martin and Tim's characters in my section on Distant Cousin, and I could've worded my thoughts much better. I think saying that Basira, Melanie, and especially Gertrude have had more complete arcs than them was definitely a stretch. It's just that ultimately, they're all members of the supporting cast, so...while I now realize that their arcs are smaller than Martin and Tim's, I guess I felt more satisfied with their size given how they aren't really supposed to be as important as these two (although that isn't meant to say I think their arcs are necessarily complete.) On top of that, I feel like their arcs have oddly contributed more to the plot, what with Basira giving the tapes, Melanie revealing the truth behind Not!Sasha and paralleling Jon, and Gertrude…being herself, where as Martin and Tim are relegated to office drama, which I still find very interesting, and I’d hesitate to call it irrelevant or meaningless…but it’s not as much of a big game changer as what other characters have provided. I guess I've just wanted more from Martin and Tim, because even though I became immediately endeared to both of them as soon as they first appeared...they're supposed to be part of the MAIN cast, and that leaves me wishing for their appearances more than I do characters like Basira and Melanie. Hell, as much as I play up my mournful longing for Micheal to come back, I'm actually a lot more fine with him being an infrequent and unpredictable appearance, because that just feels in line with his chaotic neutral persona. Martin and Tim though...I don't know, I feel like they deserve more. But at the end of the day...I doubt these minor criticisms will mean much in the long run, because it definitely feels like they're really developing! I can safely say that I feel like I'm finally starting to get a good grasp of Martin as a whole after this episode, and while my thoughts on Tim are still kind of muddled and shifting, it's definitely some great progress. I can only hope that this progress continues into Season 3. Oh and uh...one last thing regarding this.
As happy as I am with this development....man, it really puts into perspective how tragic Sasha's character is. I know I've made my theories about...death in the hypothetical simulation meaning release into the real world, and there are instances of immortality and ghosts, sure, but...after what Dekker said to Lawrence Moore in the last episode...the chances of us ever hearing Sasha again are slim to none, which means that realistically...we'll never really know her. And honestly, I feel like that's by design. She was replaced by The NotThem, a creature that erases its victims memory from the world. So having the cast lose their true memory of her, and having the viewers never really get to see the greater extent of her as a person...well, I don't think I need to explain why I find that so tonally fitting. It's just...I really miss her you guys :(. Ok, enough rambling about suffering gay people, let's look at a DELIGHTED gay person instead. It's him! He's here! He was gone for like...7 minutes but who cares! He's back! Micheal!!!!!!!!! God I just. I can't. Why is he the most perfectly imperfect specimen of all time? That is my husband. That is my wife. That is my sleep paralysis demon and I love him with all my heart. He's just...so silly as well, like, Martin tells him to stay back and he says "no :)". I know I just did a long monologue about how I want more character exploration beyond just vibes, but honestly? Micheal is the one exception to that. I do want answers regarding...what the hell he even is, not neccesarily because I think his character needs it (I mean his whole thing is not making coherent sense in any way shape or form), but it's more because...I have spent too much time and energy trying to decipher this man. But outside of that....he's basically perfect as is. His energy is just that immaculate. At this point, an interesting backstory or any actual character depth would just be the cherry on top of an already 5 star cake. Anyways, as always, he says some very vague, yet still interesting things. Firstly, I just noticed that...he pretty much always introduces himself by his name...except for when he met Jon. And...also Lydia Halligan if I recall, but...her statement is pretty loopy in it's own right so I'll leave that one up in the air. But with Sasha, Helen Richardson, and now these two...he always uses his name, which is interesting to me when you consider his whole "there is no such thing as a real name" spiel that he gives Jon in The New Door. I'm...also kind of concerned by how he calls Jon "the archivist" now. It initially didn't strike me as all that strange (at least by Micheal standards), since he doesn't refer to...anyone by their names that often at all, but...given how this episode sheds a bit of light on what the title of "the archivist" even means in this context...I'm raising an eyebrow at this little quirk now. Anyways, the long story short is that he considers watching Jon die a "sport" (...is it wrong that I would probably find that more attention-grabbing than any actual sport?), and also claims to plan on killing Martin and Tim, simply because he wants to see what happens if there's no one to save Jon. ....Never change you horrible blonde thing. He also mentions how no one is protected down in the tunnels, as opposed to the institute. This definitely makes sense, it's a nice nod to how the tunnels initially belonged to Millbank Prison, and the institute was just built upon them...but it also made me realize that maybe Jon would've had a better chance of surviving The NotThem if he DIDN'T take Micheal's door. I know Micheal said that he doubted Jon could survive, even with the protections of the institute...but man, I think he took a much worse option than he realized. Regardless, it seems like Micheal's threat might be a bit of a bluff, as it causes Martin and Tim to run through his door, and-...oh no. Oh no no no no no no no no. That's. Um. That's not good. I'll uh...I'll come back to this later, but for now...let's check back on Jon.
Once again...he is not doing well. After hearing The NotThem, he started descending into the lower sanctums of the tunnels, eventually coming across a metal pipe which....wait what happened to his axe? Come on man, if you're going to use it to make the biggest fuck-up of the century you could at least bother to amend that by using it for good. Even he admits that the pipe won't help, and...sure, the axe probably wouldn't do much better, but it's a step in the right direction! Well, having a weapon at least makes him feel safe, so I guess it's better than nothing. And then...things get depressing. Jon has realized that The NotThem is likely intent on replacing him next, and starts yelling into the tapes that...if he's gone, then the being that would be called "Not!Jon" is...well, not him. On top of that...he continues to mourn for Sasha, not just because she's dead, but because he can't even remember her face. It's all...really depressing, and I think the first part shows a depressing...well, not a willingness to die on his part, more of an expectancy, but...that's not great. Anyways, Jon quickly learns to stop talking, as The NotThem eventually makes its appearance. And I've got to say...I REALLY like it in this episode. I've always thought that it's an amazing concept for a horror monster, and Not!Sasha has been consistently intimidating throughout her entire time in the podcast, but like...it never quite had the same draw as other antagonists. Like, Jane had her really tragic and messed up backstory, Micheal has his whimsical mystique, but The NotThem...it works really well as a general evil force in the story, but I was never attached to it as a character like I was with others. Here though....I mean, it's still the most evil and despicable out of the three big bads that have shown up so far, like, I need to make it clear that this thing is pure evil to me, and...if it really does turn out to be dead after the events of the episode, or if not, dies later on without any sympathy added to its existence, I will not be mourning it like I did with Jane. But...all things considered, while it's still evil and terrifying, I really like the personality it showcases in this episode. When pretending to be Sasha, it's not much more than an ominous presence, but now that it's here as its true self...man, I love it. It's cunning, taunting, and later on just gives off this sense of...being absolutely done with everything, so much anger and frustration at its situation and the people it's had to put up with. This scene in particular is where it comes off as the most downright despicable. It taunts Jon, keeping up the charade of Sasha as a cruel joke, before later telling Jon it's going to wear him (which was a fucking HAUNTING line by the way)...and then it mentions how what it did to Sasha hurt. ...The fact that that was what set Jon off into confronting it directly, the fact that The NotThem used it as bait...man does that hurt. With that, Jon is sent running once again, in what is...arguably the most danger we've ever seen him in, more than the Prentiss attack. But before we get to what is my personal favorite scene in the episode, there's one more look at Martin and Tim to go over.
OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO. Just when I thought we had narrowly avoided the backrooms, when I thought that Micheal wouldn't do anything...THAT bad...here we are. And it's arguably worse than if Jon was stuck there, because Martin and Tim have...absolutely NO idea what they're dealing with. So yeah...after hearing a door open alongside Micheal's infamous laughter...these two are stuck in his domain. Throughout the recordings that take place in here, Martin and Tim's voices are now distorted and echoing, with the same squiggly static that showed up when Micheal first appeared also being there, and both effects being louder upon the final recording done by these two. It's genuinely terrifying to finally hear what it's like in there firsthand...but I will say, I'm starting to become really confused by all the static now. Like, I now noticed that Micheal has a static noise that plays in both The New Door and this scene, but has a different one that plays in Distant Cousin, and the scene with him in the tunnels earlier in this episode. Then you have the table, which plays something that sounds like The NotThem's static, but also a...screaming sound, which...might be the spiders' static noise since the table is being destroyed as the sound plays, but...I don't know, for some reason the scream feels more fitting for The NotThem to me. And then you have the static on Basira's phone call in Takeaway, which...should theoretically represent the powers of Mr. Pitch, but according to Basira's statement in Police Lights...she wasn't even at the Outer Bay Shipping building when she made that call. So...what's going on here? I don't know, either I'm wrong about how I interpret the static, there's some issues with continuity, or maybe it doesn't actually mean much and is just used for creepy effects like the music. I doubt the third one is the case, especially since Martin acknowledges the backrooms noise in this very scene, and I have better faith in Rusty Quill than what choosing option two would entail, so...maybe I need to rethink some things in the future. Anyways, back to Martin and Tim...oh god. I'm...actually getting really scared for them. I've already brought up some potential death flags before, but...wow, this does not look good. I mean, I'm pretty sure Martin will be...well maybe not FINE, but at least alive, but Tim...I don't know. I think he has a decent chance at survival, but...we did lose an archival assistant last season, and if they wanted...they COULD kill him off here without much trouble. I personally hope that doesn't happen, but.....AAAAUUUUUGGHHHH PLEASE BE OK BOTH OF YOU!!! I...really hope that Micheal doesn't start haunting them...or worse... One more recording, oh boy.
So...this one. HOO-WHEE IS THE LORE GOING STRONG WITH THIS ONE. So, as Jon continues to run away from The NotThem in panic, it makes some snide comments about how it hated waiting around in the institute... but then gives a "statement" to him in mockery, and...there is some really interesting information in this. This is where a lot of my thoughts...REALLY get validated. The NotThem starts off by recounting some basic information we already knew, talking about its general abilities and how Adelard Dekker bound it to the table. Still though, it's really cool to hear the story from its perspective, I especially love how it refers to Dekker as a "nasty man". It also says that it enjoyed it whenever someone remembered the old person, because it meant they became scared when no one else was. To me, this...almost confirms that The NotThem was intentionally revealing itself to select people for the sake of sick pleasure, and if that's not the case...well then, it at the very least isn't against that happening. But then...it starts to recount what happened after it was bound to the table. It says that it got its "friends" to carry it around so that it continue its work, "friends" obviously referring to Breekon and Hope. This confirms at least one of my suspicions from Still Life, that being that The NotThem and Breekon and Hope are allies, and that they weren't utilizing it as an unwilling weapon or anything. At least...not until recently. Now, we know from Gertrude that The NotThem is motiveless, on a personal level, it has no desire outside of replacing people and scaring a select few, which seems to be more of a natural instinct than anything else. However...Gertrude also says that if it were to have any purpose beyond that, it could prove much more dangerous, and unfortunately...even if it's not out of The NotThem's own will...it was sent to The Magnus Institute for a reason beyond just sowing chaos. Apparently, The Magnus Institute and The NotThem, or...potentially the greater forces that the two of them serve, are enemies, and Breekon and Hope sent The NotThem to the institute in order to steal information. ...Oh dear.
So, as you already know, I believe that The NotThem, Breekon and Hope, The Anglerfish and The Other Circus are all united in one common goal, likely serving the same member of ✨the horrors✨, and said member of ✨the horrors✨ is probably called "The Stranger". I also believe that The Magnus Institute is paranormal in its own right (which is practically confirmed at this point), and that it serves and/or is connected to the member of ✨the horrors✨ that possesses prominent eye imagery, which also seems to be served by the Keay Family, with the exception of Mary. This is even backed up when The NotThem outright says their enemy has "the biggest eyes you ever did see." And thanks to Micheal, we know that there is some sort of "struggle" or "war" going on, one that the institute has a stake in, and due to various context clues such as rivalry between The Cult of The Lightless Flame and the spiders, and Jon's whole thing about the spiders and The NotThem being naturally opposed earlier in the episode...it's safe to assume that this is a war between ✨the horrors✨, although what they're fighting for is unknown. Alternatively...if you for some reason stick with my crack theory about the maintainers of the simulation against the invaders, then...maybe the war is more one-sided. The point is, The Magnus Institute is at war with The NotThem and all of its allies, which...honestly works very well thematically. This...eye thing, it's an observer in nature, always watching in the distance, keeping its eye on the institute staff. I think this is why it's connected to the institute, since they are a faction that is actively seeking knowledge, trying to understand the paranormal without intervening, simply choosing to look from afar. But as for The NotThem, and everything else I believe to be united under "The Stranger"...they're nearly the complete opposite. They not only seek to actively cause paranormal activity, where as the eye thing simply sits in the background for the most part (I mean, it has a shocking lack of statements surrounding it), but also, the one major thing all of these "aspects of The Stranger" share in common is appearing as normal, when in reality they are eldritch, weird and monstrous. They choose to conceal, which makes them a perfect natural enemy for The Magnus Institute. The institute is trying to understand them (not in an empath way, but like...in a stalker way), and The Stranger does not want to be understood. So...yeah, them being on opposing sides is pretty clever. As for what secrets The NotThem was sent to steal, well, that's a complete mystery, and I have no idea how they plan to resolve it. But...as for WHY they need secrets in the first place...I might have an idea, but I'll get to that in a moment. But getting back to The NotThem's "statement", they explain that it was sad at the institute, because it couldn't reveal itself to anyone there, thus sowing more chaos. It seems like this is the one instance of Breekon and Hope delivering it to someone for their own goals instead of The NotThem's own desire to sow random chaos, and...that seemingly gave it motivation to go against orders and betray them, at least, that's how I interpreted its dialogue. As it turns out, it intentionally left clues leading towards the truth for Jon, in hopes that he would at the very least be scared, when in actuality, he ended up releasing it from the table entirely, allowing it to be free from all responsibility set upon it. This reveal of The NotThem intentionally sowing seeds was actually really well foreshadowed in retrospect, I think that's probably why it chose to reveal itself to Melanie, and it also makes me think it's actually the most likely candidate for whoever replaced Adelard Dekker's statement with that of Lawrence Moore, since the former wouldn't have revealed its connection to the table.
So...yeah, this is all very interesting. We finally know at least...a little bit more about why The NotThem was sent to the institute in the first place, what exactly its plan across the course of the season has been all along, and...it's definitely building up to a grander plot, what with all the talk about enemies, eyes, secrets, and its mission. ...But we're not quite done yet. The NotThem goes on to taunt Jon for his stupidity and arrogance when smashing the table, saying how fun it was watching him act all suspicious of his innocent coworkers when it was right there. It also says that he isn't even a shadow of his predecessor, which is...kind of interesting to me. I guess this could be interpreted as a sign of The NotThem being familiar with Gertrude, but...I feel like if that were the case, it would've just replaced her on sight, and I doubt it would've killed her with a gun. I think it's more likely that it got its hands on Gertrude's tapes when sneaking around, or that it maybe just heard about her from one of its allies who was more familiar with her. And then...as The NotThem contemplates the idea of replacing Jon...it drops some of the biggest lore bombs in the entire episode. The first one is a mention of something...entirely new. Something it calls the "Unknowing", which...I feel is most likely an event of some kind, given how The NotThem says it's something that Jon would "miss" if he were to die now. So, we've never heard of this thing before, and as of now, all we really know is that it's something that The NotThem believes Jon wouldn't understand. I personally think this is sowing a seed for something in future seasons, more light could potentially be shed on it in the final episode, but I personally feel like there's more currently prevalent mysteries that need to be solved first. Still though...I have thoughts. Don't worry, it didn't send me into a massive rabbit hole or anything. So, my first thought upon hearing it was that it would be some kind of....mass NotThem-ing, or something adjacent, but like...I don't know how that would happen at the moment, and given that there's only one known NotThem (and the status of said NotThem is up in the air by the end of the episode....yeah, I discarded the idea pretty quickly. I personally think that this "Unknowing" is...some sort of massive attack on The Magnus Institute, and it's probably why The NotThem was sent there in the first place. Maybe the "secrets" it was looking for was....any exploitable weaknesses they could find, I don't know. It mostly comes down to the name. Like, the institute is a place of academia, therefore a place of knowing, its supposed patron member of ✨the horrors✨ is a being that desires to observe. So....if you were to try and destroy the place...yeah, it would be appropriate to call such an act an "Unknowing". Now, it's decently likely that this "Unknowing" is something being manned by The NotThem and its allies, but other parties could be involved, since these supposed "aspects of The Stranger" don't seem to be the only ones against the institute. The Divine Host for example has closed eye imagery, suggesting some sort of rivalry, they also obscure in the face of a seeker of knowledge via their darkness, and I definitely think the institute is responsible for selling out their location to the police. You also have Jane Prentiss, or rather The Flesh Hive as a whole, who attacked the institute solely because it sook to understand them without their consent. So maybe this "Unknowing" will involve multiple different factions gunning for the institute, which....would admittedly work well with that whole sustainer vs. invader theory, but...I'm not going to go there out of fear of losing my mind, and it's also nearly midnight right now. Either way, I definitely think this "Unknowing" will be a much grander plot than something like the Prentiss attack, especially if it's being built up in a season where...there's no way it's happening in the last 30 minutes. I don't entirely know what this thing might be...but it's mention is interesting.
God, like....who am I supposed to chher for in this podcast? Do I follow The Magnus Institute or The Stranger? Do I follow the spiders or The Cult of The Lightless Flame? I just...UGH! Everyone's so confusing, one minute a faction is exactly what we need in an era of strife, and the next minute they're Satan incarnate! I think I'll just side with Micheal right now, because he's apparently neutral, and I'm also not immune to the bias generated by a scary blonde man. Well...there's one last thing The NotThem has to say. And it's...quite a big shock. It questions the effects of "wearing" Jon...and asks if "it'll really become The Archivist", and if it'll "rob the eye of its pupil"...before deciding otherwise, and saying it'd just be better to simply kill Jon. Wow. That's...very well timed given what I talked about in my last supplemental. So...yeah. While the details are still as vague as they can possibly be...this is a major step towards some REALLY big things. The NotThem has definitively confirmed that "The Archivist"....isn't just some fancy job title with nothing else. It is a title that holds...power. Being The Archivist means to be important in some sort of way. Jon isn't just some random schmuck who got stuck in this situation by working at the institute like everyone else...he's special, but I DON'T THINK IT'S IN A GOOD WAY. The NotThem calling him "the eye's pupil" comes off as some metaphorical wordplay to me, it suggests that Jon is in some way specially chosen by the patron of The Magnus Institute in order to fulfill some role in the greater narrative, making him likely to be more important than...anyone else in the institute, maybe even the god damn head. And if...whatever the hell these responsibilities are come with the occupation of archivist, then the same logic applies to Gertrude and all who came before her. And like....you know what this reminds me of? You know someone else with a connection to an eldritch power who supposedly possessed some kind of important role? Some kind of....destiny mayhaps? Yeah, for some god forsaken reason, my mind jumped to Agnes Montague after hearing this, and if you recall...her life sounds like it was kind of shitty. You know, between this reveal and the new parts of The NotThem's past that got told to us, I find that "purpose" is...an oddly recurring theme throughout this episode, it's not there a ton...but it's there more than I thought. And do you have any idea what the worst part about all of this is? As always...I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT ANY OF THIS REALLY MEANS!!! All I know is that Jon is actually kind of super mega IMPORTANT now. He's not just the guy Jonny decided to saddle us with for 200 episodes, he's like...someone with an actual stake in the grander narrative, like...he's starting to give off the vibes of a fucked up twist on the chosen one trope, and I DO NOT like that. I don't have a damn clue what it really means to be "The Archivist"...but this solidifies that...whatever the meaning....it's a whole new can of worms, and Jon...he's more than just an employee at the institute, he's more than just a guy who walked into the wrong building...he has purpose, purpose seemingly born from a long line of predecessors...and it could mean so many things. All I can say is that I definitely think this explains why Micheal refers to him the way he does, why Tim believes Jon is supernatural in his own right, and it might even connect to some of the aspects surrounding the statements which I'm starting to find a bit weird, such as the tapes, Jon's commitment to whoever's voice he's acting as, and how people from all different sorts of backgrounds give nearly perfect accounts of their stories. I just...uggggggghhhh. What sort of Pandora's Box of mysteries has this skinny-ass monster just opened. Please just...just give me answers please. I...really don't have the energy or resources to make a big-ass theory on this one...at least not yet. Does it connect to ✨the horrors✨? The statements? The institute? The simulation theory? Micheal again? I...do not know... :/
(OH GOD MY INTERNET DROPPED OUT I THOUGHT THESE PAST FIVE PARAGRAPHS WERE A GONER HOLY FUCK)
Well...time to wrap this one up I guess. There's just...so much. I will never know peace, will I? So, as The NotThem tells its story, Jon starts whispering...what he believes to be his last words into his tape recorder, apologizing to Martin, Tim....and Sasha for everything that he's done, and telling them to get as far away from the institute as they can if they're still alive. ....NOOOOOOOO STOP MAKING ME CRY YOU HORRID SHOW YOU!!! God, that is...that is super sad. It's not only another example of Jon fully expecting his own death, but shows that even after all of the shit he's pulled over the course of the season, all of the insanity...he's still far from a bad person. Sure, you can argue the apology he gave in Distant Cousin wasn't genuine, that he was simply using it to divert Martin and Tim's attention...but that doesn't change the fact that deep down, he genuinely feels terrible for what he did, and does really care for his coworkers, nay, his FRIENDS...even the one who isn't around anymore. I fully understand Tim's frustration in a lot of areas...but if he were to hear this tape...I don't know, I'd hope that'd set things into perspective. Because if Jon's last words are an apology to his friends, and a desire to keep him safe...I'd still consider him an overall good person, despite his flaws. God I just...I LOVE how fleshed out these guys are becoming! Like...they're genuinely so humanly written and it makes me so happy! Do you want to know what doesn't make me happy? Jon, about to get fucking murdered. So yeah, The NotThem finally catches up to him, Jon begs for mercy and makes me cry once again...but just before The NotThem can strike...something strange happens. The sound of stone and brick shifting is heard, and the horrific monster that replaced all those people lets out a shrill scream..and then...silence. Footsteps are heard...and then a brand new voice approaches, telling Jon that it's finally time they have a talk. Yes, they're finally here. The mystery figure from the tunnels. Oh, they're literally credited as mystery figu-OH WHAT THE FUCK?! COME ON, REALLY?! YOU"RE NOT GOING TO TELL ME WHO IT IS?! GRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAGGGHHHHH-wait. No this is. This is good actually, Because if their identity was revealed to be something majorly shocking right here and right now, I'd have to write like...at least two more paragraphs. But either way...holy shit. They were first teased at the very beginning of the season...and now they're here in the flesh. And...yeah I'm placing my bets on this being Dekker. Not only could I see the voice really working for him, but like...even if it's through the structure-shifting ability and not the table...he LITERALLY seals The NotThem once again in this scene. Or...did he kill it? Because...I don't know, it kind of sounded like it got eviscerated with the perfectly cut scream and all. If it's just sealed under the floor or something...well uh...that's progress...but I would still probably like to kill it if possible. Like...that's still around...no thank you. But if it's actually dead for real now....REST IN HELL BITCH!!! YOU TOTALLY DESERVE THIS....although I will kind of miss you because you were a very threatening and creative main antagonist for the season who was implemented perfectly but GET FUCKED REGARDLESS!!! Well....whoever this guy is (please be Dekker please be Dekker), the one thing we can say for certain about him is that he's voiced by Paul Sims, Jonny's dad. ....Look, I'm just saying that if this guy really did murder Gertrude....that is some morbid-ass meta humor on Jonny's part. Just....wow. ....One episode left, huh? How time flies....I'm gonna be 100% real I am shaking in my bed right now.
So that's Hide and Seek. Firstly, I need to congratulate everyone involved in everything up until this point. The first two seasons of this podcast has absolutely proven itself to be one of my favorite things....ever, really, and I'm not even halfway done with the entire thing, yet I have no doubts that it'll continue to be excellent. Secondly....what the fuck is your problem and what the hell do you have in store for me now. Just...oh god I am so unprepared. Human Remains was a nice way to wrap things up with some big revelations and set-up for the next season...but this...I am so terrified of what's to come, because there's NO WAY they just skip to after the whole fiasco again. Jon is now hanging out with some mystery man (if it's his dad in-universe or something I will not hesitate to wear someone's ribcage as a coat), Martin and Tim have been sent to ultra super mega hell (now with shitty wallpaper), Micheal is...Michealing, The NotThem is either sealed again or FUCKING DEAD, and Elias is just...up in his office celebrating April 20th early I guess. I'm just...wow. This was a great episode through and through, as short as it was, it was still extremely tense, and gave both amazing character insight and insane plot reveals and implications. But...where the hell do they go from here?! Even though the last episode is the longest one so far, I don't know if they'll be able to cover everything it seems like they're aiming for, let alone anything I suggested in my predictions halfway through the post. I'm just...I can't even put my thoughts and feelings into any words other than "wow". I'll...um...I guess I'll be back for the next one.....hm.
Supplemental: Truth be told there's...not a lot I forgot to mention in that section. At least...I think so? It's...honestly kind of hard to tell right now, I'm still mulling so many things over in my head and...it's all so scrambled. I did...write a couple of things down though. So, I was thinking about those scenes we get where Jon reads excerpts of things that aren't statements, so like, those parts of The Tale of a Field Hospital, or that account of William W. Hay's time aboard the hospital train that now lies in the scrapyard in Rotherham. Well, I realized that I forgot to mention one of these in my last post, and that was the quote Jon found on the burnt scrap of Gertrude's copy of The Key of Solomon. The quote reads as follows:
"They have for adversaries the Satariel, or concealers, the Demons of absurdity, of intellectual inertia, and of Mystery."
Now, Gertrude's copy of The Key of Solomon was a Leitner, so it could very well have some altered text like The Tale of a Field Hospital, but it's worth noting that this quote does exist in the original text. However, I point it out here due to...how well it corresponds with recent themes, particularly the light shed on ✨the horrors✨ as of late. They've been connected to the concept of demonology for a very long time, and the whole bit about "concealers" or "mystery"....I don't know, that's very in line with what I believe The Stranger is supposed to be. So yeah...I just thought this was worth bringing attention to. Oh, and on the note of ✨the horrors✨...I feel like when given Jon's monologue about The NotThem and the table, and all of the stuff with the eyes in the institute and...so on and so forth, ✨the horrors✨ could...very well get some light shed on them in the very near future, so because of that (and also because it's been a while since I've done this)...here's my updated list of ✨the horrors✨.
- The Stranger (1, 3, 24, 28, 25, 39, 44, 54, 61, 77, 78, 79)
Servants Include: The Anglerfish, Breekon and Hope, The NotThem, The Other Circus
Fear of being deceived
- The Vast (4, 21, 46, 51, 57, 75)
Servants Include: Mike Crew, The Fairchild Family
Fear of falling and/or drowning
- The Flesh Hive (6, 22, 26, 32, 36, 39, 40, 45, 55, 68)
Servants Include: Jane Prentiss, John Amherst
Fear of disease and bugs
- The End (11, 29, 43, 62, 64, 70)
Servants Include: The Reapers, Dr. Margaret Tellison(?)
Fear of mortality or immortality
- The Piper (7, 28, 42, 68(?), 76)
Servants Include: Wilfred Owen, Alfred Grifter, Train Ghost
Fear of bloodlust and violence
- The Lightless Flame (8, 12, 37, 43, 55, 59, 67)
Servants Include: Agnes Montague, Arthur Nolan, Diego Molina
Fear of fire
- The Spiders (8, 16, 19, 59, 69, 78)
Servants Include: Raymond Fielding, Annabelle Cane, Adelard Dekker, Mystery Homeless Woman
Fear of spiders and control
- Mr. Pitch (9, 15, 25, 52, 63, 73)
Servants Include: The People’s Church of The Divine Host
Fear of the dark
- The Observer (12, 23, 53, 60)
Servants Include: The Magnus Institute, The Keay Family (minus Mary), The Archivist Cyclops Ghost
Fear of being watched
- Isolation (13, 33, 57, 66)
Servants Include: The Lukas Family (minus Evan)
Fear of isolation
- Compression (15, 50, 66, 71)
Servants Include: George Gilbert Scott, The Governor
Fear of being trapped or compressed
- Body Horror (5, 14, 17, 18, 30, 49, 58, 72)
Servants Include: Tom Haan, John Haan, Jared Hopworth, Eustace Wick, Angela
Fear of meat, mutilation and cannibalism
- Ushanka’sDespair.exe (65)
Servants Include: \/(I\I)\/
Fear of losing your humanity
And then….I’m kind of on the fence on whether or not Micheal’s a part of this list, or something else entirely at this point. Well…that’s all. I’ll see you for the next one...
- Episode 80, The Librarian 📚
Statement of Jurgen Leitner, regarding his life and works. Statement taken direct from subject.
Stupid.
Idiot.
Mother.
Fucking.
....Jurgen Leitner. *inhales*.....
....*exhales*. Ok. Without further ado. ....WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTT?????!!!!! I just. HUH?! YOU'RE JUST. YOU'RE JUST ENDING THE SEASON LIKE THAT HUH?! HOW. HOW DID YOU COME UP WITH THAT?! HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO SEE THAT COMING?! ...oh my god I wasn't, was I? I...what am I even doing anymore? Like...now that...all of that has been thrown at me...is there even a point in theorizing anymore? Because I think i have to accept that I'm just...not going to be prepared for anything anymore. I'm just. Wow. On one hand, I'm still stunned that I can officially say I've listened to 2 entire seasons and 80 whole episodes of this story, that is a massive milestone to me. But on the other hand...holy shit there's three more seasons of this?! And then a whole-ass sequel series?! Like. How. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO HANDLE ANY MORE OF THIS?! I'm just...look, I still plan to see this entire project through. I've gotten this far, there's no way I'm giving up writing these things when I'm not even at the halfway point. But...I just don't know what to believe anymore....dear lord. So uh...if you couldn't tell...I'm a teensy bit frazzled after this one. Fun fact, I actually listened to Distant Cousin right before a show I was performing in, and like...I thought that was bad at the time. I...could not have been prepared for the feeling of listening to this, away from home, 1 hour before I had to head out to go see Starkid in one of the most life-changing experiences I have ever had. BIG MISTAKE, WOULD NOT RECCOMEND. (concert went great though lol) Ok...screaming aside for a second...this is...pretty damn polarizing. Did I think this was a good way to end the season? Uh...yeah? I'm still kind of deciding as I write this to be honest. I can at the very least say that it left my mouth agape, and it was...certainly a real show-stopping way to end the season, it definitely went out with a bang, but...whether or not I think it's a good way to end the season overall...I feel like that hinges on how well it transitions into Season 3, so...I might reserve my judgement for now. I cannot imagine what it must have been like during the hiatus between seasons, dear lord. Either way though...I can say that this episode was an experience like no other, so...when looking at it on it's own, I feel pretty confident when I say it was fucking amazing.
And honestly...looking at it on its own is probably the best thing I can do right now if I want to maintain my sanity, because...this is by far the biggest lore bomb in the entire podcast so far (and I would NOT be upset if it stayed the biggest lore bomb until the end because jfc), and...there's just a lot. I'm going to make whatever connections I can, but...I doubt I'll be able to pinpoint each and every one of them, at least for the time being. So, just expect me to...work with what I think is the most important for the time being. Rather than make some crazy theories based on miscellaneous lines of dialogue, I'm just going to try and examine and contemplate what the episode clearly tells us, because not only does that information trigger a MASSIVE change in the status quo that I feel like I need to come to terms with before I jump into Season 3, but...that is already a massive workload in it of itself. If I made another "aspect of The Stranger" theory out of this one...I would explode in a nuclear blast that destroys the entirety of the UK. And I mean...god, that information huh? Overall, I think this episode did a great job solving the core mysteries of Season 2, some minor details are still left unaccounted for, but they wrapped the important stuff up nicely, and I'm happy to say that a good few of my predictions and theories ended up being right, some of which I wasn't expecting (although there were also quite a few that ended up being wrong, but they still had cool answers.) But...the thing is...gaining those answers has in turn spawned like...twenty new questions, and because of that...I don't know if this is the most fulfilling or confusing experience in tma so far. And like, that's JUST the lore bits. As for the events that actually transpired on the 16th of February, 2017...you know what, we'll get to it when we get to it. This is already the longest intro I've written for any of these posts, and this is the longest episode in the entire series so far, so...let's just begin. Oh [EXTENDED SOUNDS OF BRUTAL PIPE MURDER], we're really in for it now... You know, I had actually heard of Brutal Pipe Murder before due to all the memes, but I had no context since I wasn't listening to tma at the time. I was actually starting to think it had something to do with The Piper...but now I'm wondering if that would've been a better outcome for the characters because...what the fuck Elias.
You know....I think it's very telling of this episode's insanity that simply reading the description of this episode was enough to make me recoil from my laptop, not even listening to the damn intro and...already a surprise. So...let's just get it out of the way. As it turns out, the person in the tunnels, the mysterious man with a power over archietecture...was not Adelard Dekker. He wasn't Micheal, he wasn't some eldritch abomination...he was...someone who you might call the biggest clown in the circus. He was potentially laughed out of town. For reasons beyond our comprehension, someone once compared him to a cowboy. Yeah...it's Jurgen Fucking Leitner. I just...wow. You know, it- actually, I don't know whether or not I should have expected this. On one hand, the idea of Leitner showing up at all...yeah, I'm honestly surprised with myself for not even having the thought cross my mind. Leitners have been very prominent throughout this season, both in statements and the overarching plot, especially everything with Gertrude, so...him showing up here is definitely fitting, and he's a great choice for the last statement giver of the season. But at the same time...DAMN did they hide him well. Having him be like....THE guy in the tunnels, the big surprise character reveal for the season...that's just a brilliant move all around, and it thankfully still manages to make perfect sense after everything is revealed. I think maybe the reason I was so surprised by his inclusion here was that...I was always under the impression that if we met him in the first place, he'd be a considerably late addition. I mean, it seemed like the man had caused the most worldwide damage out of anyone in the story so far, and he had this kind of...loremaster vibe going on from what little we knew about him. Both of those thoughts ring truer than ever after this episode, but...no, he's here. Like...I still can't get over it. I...I got to hear JURGEN LEITNER'S voice. Wow. I...honestly don't know why I thought "The Librarian" was referring to Gertrude, maybe it's just because she reminds me of every terrifying presence of a librarian I've met before. And now that he's here...what do I think of him? Well...he isn't exactly what I expected. To make things clear, I wasn't expecting some super evil villain or anything. Mary made it clear that Leitner was a rather kind and courteous person (and when she of all characters considers a person "boring"...well then that person is probably alright), and the story so far has made it clear that Leitner is not the direct creator of the books, just connected to them in a few ways. But even then...I thought he'd be a bit more imposing, a bit more strong and grand. Don't get me wrong, he still definitely has some powerful abilities, and I still believe that out of everyone so far...this guy is like, THE main cause for most bad things that have happened in tma so far. But...that's only because of the mistakes he's made, not really his own power, and overall...he's just a sad, pitiful and regretful old man who's been hiding underground for over two decades. It's far from a problem or anything like that, I think it's really interesting to see what he's finally like at all, and this personality makes PERFECT sense for him when you consider what we learn of his past. But....it's a surprise, a damn good one, but....yeah. Well...I'll cover him a bit more when we get to the actual details, but for now..the actual plot.
So, after their meeting in the tunnels, Jon and Leitner headed back up to the archives. Leitner seems....hasty for all intents and purposes, he clearly wants Jon to help him with something urgent and likely dangerous, although we don't quite learn what he wants until the end of the episode, and...that's mostly due to Jon's opinions. Understandably...he does not trust Leitner. Not only because of the sheer power he displayed, and the general...craziness that's been going on, but also because...it's Jurgen fucking Leitner. The books this man possessed are responsible for the transformations of Mike Crew and Jared Hopworth, the immortality of Mary Keay and...other unfortunate souls, and the deaths of...so, so many people. Whether intentionally or not...Leitner's possession of these tomes has done damage, so I get Jon's fear. He also decides to place the pipe he found in the tunnels on the table for protection, a gesture that I'm sure will have no later repercussions. Anyways, while the two of them are obviously not on great terms right out the gate...they come to an agreement. Jon will help Leitner with whatever he needs, but in return, he must answer all of his questions. So...yeah, this episode is basically one massive lore dump from one of the most important characters in the story...and as much as that intimidates me, I couldn't be happier. Besides, I'm happy they've saved this for the finale rather than putting it in a place where I'm unprepared, it's much appreciated. It also makes Leitner's statement (the part where Jon says "Statement of Jurgen Leitner" went SO HARD for some reason) feel like more of...an interview, or a conversation than most, Jon feels a bit more involved this time than he usually is, even amongst other statements taken direct from subjects. Regardless, the first question he asks (although it's technically before the statement), is...what happened to The NotThem, and also the original Sasha? Well...unfortunately, The NotThem is not truly dead...and Sasha is. In fact, Leitner actually doubts that The NotThem is even capable of dying to begin with. ...great. He explains that he's managed to trap the monster, hopefully for a very long time...but if it could be released from the table, I...don't think we're done with this thing quite yet. Based on what happens later in this episode, I think "The Unknowing" will play quite a prominent role in the not-so-distant future, and...whatever it is, The NotThem is most definitely aware of and likely connected to it, so...I feel like it'll get released sooner rather than later. ...Yikes. Also, it just now occurs to me that due to how this episode ends, the chances of Tim and Martin being aware of the truth about Not!Sasha are slim to none, so...that's fun. Well, hopefully it remains dormant for a decent amount of time, even if it unfortunately hinders exploration of the tunnels.
Speaking of which, the second question Jon asks is one regarding the tunnels! Unfortunately, the tunnels remain as one of the big Season 2 mysteries that we...don't truly understand. We don't know how and why Robert Smirke built them, nor do we know why Jonah Magnus likely felt a need to build the institute on top of them, which is...honestly more of a confusing decision than ever given what we now know regarding...what forces the institute belongs to, and what forces the tunnels don't. However, we do learn about the weird shifting and compressing that Jon witnessed during his explorations, which directly connects to Leitner's ability to shift Smirke's architecture, the same ability he used to trap The NotThem. As I suspected, he doesn't possess any supernatural abilities in his blood, he's much like Mary in the sense that he's not restricted by any one power. Oh...I guess I should address that. So...this episode basically confirms that these...greater eldritch forces, this pantheon of higher powers that have caused everything to happen...are indeed real. I'll go into my thoughts on this reveal and the nitty gritty details later on, but for now, I just want to make it clear that I'm still going to be calling them ✨the horrors✨, since while they've been referred to as things like...."powers", "forces", "entities", it's hard for me to pick up on any one canonical term for referring to them that's more prominent than others, so I'm just going to stick with the one I've made until further notice. It's just that now....I can be a lot more sure of their existence than I was before, at least to an extent. (Don't worry though, I will absolutely be keeping up with the sparkle effects if a canon term is revealed, those are WAY too near and dear to my heart.) Uh...but going back to Jurgen, while he can't wield the powers of ✨the horrors✨ through sheer force of will, he CAN do so via his books. And...he just so happens to be in possession of two as we speak, specifically the ones that Gertrude bought. Uh...yeah, we'll ALSO get to his relationship with her later. Regardless, all of that manipulation of the tunnels he did was due to "The Seven Lamps of Architecture", which much like The Tale of a Field Hospital, is very different from the real world version, being presumably published a year before Ruskin began writing the book, and having text that varies quite a bit from the original. Leitner says that the book makes one feel as if the walls are pressing in around them, and that if handled recklessly it will physically entomb whoever's reading it. This leads me to come to the logical conclusion that this book is an extension of whichever member of ✨the horrors✨ has a fondness for compressing its victims. But despite the dangers, Leitner has learned how to utilize it without much issue, although it's quite arduous and difficult. Apparently, it has a special connection to Smirke's architecture, which is...kind of weird to me? Smirke certainly has his connections to this...compression power, but based on how he talked about George Gilbert Scott, someone who is...DEFINITELY serving the thing, I got the sense that he probably wasn't all that fond of it. So...the fact that The Seven Lamps interacts so well with his work is weird to me, but it...might make sense given some of the additional lore we get surrounding his work. But back to Leitner, uh...yeah, he was basically using The Seven Lamps to keep Jon from finding him or going too deep until he decided whether or not to make contact, and he obviously used it to trap The NotThem.
He also finally explains what was up with all of the trash strewn around, and the arrow. The trash...well, there's not much new there, we just learn that it WASN'T a trail, and that Leitner was just being messy. But as for the arrow...it was apparently drawn by The NotThem, who as Jon and I suspected, was looking for Leitner. THIS is a bit more interesting to me. When I assumed that the person in the tunnels was Adelard, I thought The NotThem was after him for the sake of revenge. (Oh god...now I have to think about where Adelard actually is...) But now...I have to wonder why it was after Leitner. If it...didn't know the identity of the person down there, it could've just been out of curiosity, but if it DID know they were Leitner...well, I now suspect everything this creature has done in The Institute is for the sake of this "Unknowing", and that the "secrets" it was sent to steal by Breekon and Hope somehow pertain to it...maybe even being those same missing files we later learn Leitner is after. So with that in mind...I do have to wonder if Leitner somehow pertains(.../pertained) to "The Unknowing" in a relevant way. He's at the very least aware of and interested in this thing, so...hm. Aaaaahhh god I'm rambling again uh...oh! We also learn that he's in possession of the other missing...well, more of a pamphlet than a book, that Gertrude had. This one, entitled "A Dissapearance" has the ability to remove its reader from the world, but reading one or two words is uh..."sufficient to hide me from the prying eyes of your master", as Leitner says...we'll get to that. Unlike with The Seven Lamps, I...don't actually really know which of ✨the horrors✨ this one belongs to. If I had to guess, it would be The Stranger, since the whole "removal from existence" thing reminds me of The NotThem, but...it doesn't seem to erase memories, and it lacks all of those themes of...the uncanny, deception, so on and so forth that The Stranger seems to possess, so I'm honestly not sure. But, yeah, this pamphlet has allowed Leitner to hide from others when he needs to, and has even let him go above ground, sometimes to meet with Gertrude when she was still alive. He...also mentions that one of his library assistants was never seen again after reading the thing. This...recklessness that Leitner has with his assistants is pretty interesting to me, especially with how it both parallels and foils the institute...but my thoughts on it connect to later revelations, so I'll just leave things here for now. Anyways, all in all, it's nice to finally know what happened to all of Gertrude's remaining Leitners, and learn how Leitner himself has been so evasive all season. It...also makes me realize just how potentially powerful he really could be, or rather...was in his relative youth. Like, sure, he's a rather polite and mostly harmless old man in this episode, but...if he was able to pull all of this off with just two of his nearly 1,000 books that he's come across over the years, then...I kind of shudder to think what he could've been capable of when his library was still around. Anyways...moving on! ....christ this is going to be a long one, isn't it?
So, the next question Jon asks Leitner is...how long has he even been down there? As we already knew, Leitner went into hiding roughly...21 years ago, after his library "burned down." It sounds like he's been in the tunnels for a very long time, but he clarifies that he hasn't spent all of the time down there beneath the institute, since they stretch all across Millbank. (which I actually explored during my trip to London last weekend! Omg I'm just like Jon.) This actually reminded me of all the Millbank Prison details that were given in Too Deep, and I recalled how Jon specifically mentioned how the place was home to one of the more notable attempts at creating a panopticon. ...Given what we learn about the institute in this episode, and how all that correlates nicely with the idea of a tower that watches you when you least expect it, and also...keeps you confined, I do have to wonder if MAYBE that prison design has some greater relevance than I initially assumed. Anyways, Leitner says that he's barely left the tunnels since Gertrude died, mostly due to the fact that despite him having a number of safe spaces on the surface, he constantly finds himself being hunted down by both fearsome monsters, and those who believe he is the one responsible for their loved ones falling victim to ancient tomes beyond mortal comprehension. That...might be an easier explanation as to why The NotThem was so interested in him, maybe the man's just a natural monster magnet in a similar vein to...what I feel like is safe to call Jon now. But who cares about that shit?! Because...Leitner then reveals the most epic piece of information ever conceived.
Apparently, three years ago, he spent a full night outside the tunnels. And on that night, he had the everlasting shit mercillesly beaten out of him, almost to the point of death...by Gerard god damn Keay. Oh. My. God. This...this is everything to me. I don't even think you understand how much I love this. There's like...so much to unpack. Not in the sense that like...this spawns a bunch of new theories, I just...it speaks to me like no other line. Firstly, I'm just happy that Gerard's...finally back in some form. Considering how important the man was in Season 1, I'm...kind of surprised that he's been so absent throughout this season, not even being mentioned in his mother's statement. Although, at the same time, the fact that all he's done this season is go on vacation, warn a woman about the horrors of Genoa (er...not neccessarily the same as ✨the horrors✨ in this case), and then nearly brutally murder Jurgen Leitner...what an icon. I also feel like this gives some...nice clarification when it comes to his character. I've definitely eased off the idea of him being a bad guy as time goes on, considering his negative relationship with his...fucking twisted mother, and his tendency to wipe the ever-dangerous Leitners of the face of the earth...but I feel like this scene adds some additional perspective to his likely motivations. Since Leitner equates him to others who have had their lives destroyed by his books, it...really does get me thinking about how likely fucked up his relationship with Mary is, and really makes it clear...WHY he's so insistent on destroying them. There's still a lot we don't know, and I think he still...BARELY fits into the "morally gray" categoy for me with what knowledge we have, but like...these books are a contributing reason as to why Mary is as fucked up as she is, and given how she was shown to be a twsted psychopath from at least the age of nine...Gerard probably had to put up with her shenanigans all his life. By proxy...Leitners ruined his life as well, so I feel like this initially goofy-sounding action of his actually told me quite a lot about him. Even if he's dead, I really hope we get some sort of statement from him at one point or another, because as much as I already do find him super cool and interesting...he's always played the role of an elusive stranger in all of his episodes, and the one statement giver who actually knew the guy didn't even talk about him at all. So getting to hear things from his perspective, get a better look at his personality and past...yeah, I'd really like it, and I think the chances are pretty high, given his family's connections to the institute, and the fact that he uh...seemingly serves its patron. Oh, and mentioning him being dead! If he died in 2014, and Leitner was beat up by him three years ago, and this episode takes place in 2017...then there is a very good chance that one of, if not THE last notable thing Gerard Keay did before death was nearly killing Jurgen Leitner...and that is so important to me. Rock on king. Heh..."killing Jurgen Leitner". I mean, what kind of psycho would do such a thing to the old man?
Ok, so...moving on. Now, Jon then asks Leitner about...his motives. If he didn't make the books himself, then why did he mark them all with his name? Why did he build his library? ....What was the point of all of this? Now...believe me, this has been a burning question in my mind for the longest time, and it's part of why Leitner's general existence has been such a frustrating anomaly to me. ...Ok, I call him frustrating, but to be honest, a lot of that "frustration" only comes from the rant playing in my head nonstop, and the fact that we...really didn't know much else about the man, but to make myself clear...I quite like him after this episode. He's made some mistakes, BY GOD has he made some mistakes...but for all intensive purposes, I enjoy his character, he's interesting and rather charming at times, with Paul Sims doing an excellent job at portraying him. (Side note, I know he's probably voiced by Paul due to his connections with Gertrude, but...given how Sue Sims probably voices her because she's Jon's predecessor...I do have to wonder if this hints at some deeper connection between Leitner and Jon? Even if they don't know each other personally? Hm. ...I swear to god if him and Gertrude are the man's parents I'll eat my foot) ...FUCK I'm getting sidetracked. Uh..back to my main point. Basically, while the answers are really interesting...I'm just going to skip this part of the statement for now, move on to the part where he talks about his life, the library and its ultimate destruction, and then talk about his motivations when it's appropriate to do so. I just think it's easier that way. Anyways, disregarding all that for a moment, Jon asks Leitner...to tell him everything. The whole story behind the books, his library, "the attack"...all of it. And...it is certainly quite the tale. ...How are we just now getting to the main story of his statement?
...Ok. So, the Leitner family was one that possessed great wealth, as all who commit cosmically stupid mistakes usually do, formerly dealing in manufacture before moving on to property holdings and investments, and they emigrated to England not too long after Jurgen was born. Leitner had...basically his entire life set from birth, and never HAD to do anything of value to succeed, but despite that...he still desired to put effort into doing something noteworthy. You know...for all of the guy's mistakes and flaws, that's actually pretty cool of him. In a world where the majority of the wealthy old men seem content to throw people into the depths of the ocean or isolate them in space until they attempt to kill themselves, both seemingly doing so...because they have the money, I can respect a guy who sets out on a more humble endeavor...even if it ended up getting pretty crazy in the end. Unfortunately, despite his dreams, Leitner initially struggled to find a calling in life, as politics, academia and business all left him unsatisfied...but eventually, he found his skill for finding things. He possessed an uncanny ability to locate items of great value, and eventually, those talents gave him an audience with some of the wealthiest and most eccentric curio hunters in the entire world. It was from an associate named Desmond Lorell where he first learned of the books. Now, Desmond was a foolish man who was completely unaware of how powerful and dangerous these books really were, and...when he found one titled "The Stalwart Hunter's Almanac" well, he did not handle it with care, and...the results of doing so certainly came to bite him in the ass. Much like with "A Disappearance", it's a little hard to tell which one of ✨the horrors✨ this one really belongs to, but...Leitner says that Desmond was found mutilated, so I'm inclined to believe it relates to the meat, since that...seems to be that one's domain. Oh, and of course, the almanac ended up being Leitner's....first of many dark tomes, and the beginning of a chain of truly gruesome events. Surprisingly, Leitner immediately accepted the existence of the paranormal as soon as he discovered it, simply adapting its existence into his life and workflow...and after easily tracking down a few more books, he unfortunately found his calling. Going back to the part where Leitner explains his plans and motivations...it's interesting. Despite his experiences, he was so motivated by his desire to be appreciated and recognized, his own pride, his...let's face it, savior complex, that he remained blind to the true power of the books. He had this strong desire to be known, he thought that if he were able to lock away the eldritch forces of the world in a singular location, his name and library would stand as symbols of peace and justice...but he was a fool. He thought he could control the power within the books, that they had rules and limits, but ultimately...did not understand what was behind them, and didn't even know that ✨the horrors✨ had servants to begin with. You know...considering how much the idea of "person's beloved hobby and/or career gets turned against them" gets utilized in tma, all often using the theme of punishment for hubris...it feels very damn fitting that said hubris was Leitner's motivations. Just...just wow. Ultimately, he's far from a bad person at heart...but he REALLY fucked up didn't he? He's a...flawed and complicated human, and I think the fact that all of these details are revealed in one episode, with more big ones unlikely to come up in the future (because...you know...bonk bonk drip drip), is what makes him such a good and interesting character to me. Anyways, uh...back to the story.
So, with his purpose set in stone, Leitner got to work. Initially, he put...little thought into where the books actually came from, he just focused on acquiring them, and uh..."making sure he had the staff he could spare to study them." ....You know, if that line came from ANYONE else...the connotations would be so much more different. However, he started to run into problems after a while. Once he had built up a decent collection, Leitner found that some of the books reacted....negatively when put close to one another, adding to that idea of ✨the horrors✨ being in...opposition to one another. Thankfully, he was able to get help when he discovered Smirke's architecture for the first time. Apparently, he had written a number of philosophies about how to balance opposing forces, ones that he seemingly incorporated into his architectural designs. So, Leitner commissioned his library to be built in that style, while also buying out a number of buildings that he had built himself...and with that, The Library of Jurgen Leitner had finally been built, and he had acquired a number of additional buildings to store them in as well, and had also finally made his bookplates, which he claims were made as a way of tracking down the books, but...deep down, he did it out of vanity. ...There's quite a bit to unpack there. First of all, I think this finally explains a bit about the timeline surrounding Old Passages. I think the passage that contained the animal bone book was likely one of these extra-mini libraries he possessed, given how they were all built by Smirke. Which I guess means he...did eventually get a hole to the place made? Maybe? That...could potentially require me to adjust my number of ✨the horrors✨ from 14 to 13 if it turned out that one of the passages was just his own tunnel...although I kind of doubt that's the case given how they were all framed. So...that means that he probably stored the book there, and then Gerard retrieved it in the early 2000s when he was a teenager, and it fell back into Mary's hands afterwards, whether consensually on Gerard's part or through force being unclear, so...I guess her saying she got it back after "the attack" was just a timeline thing, and it doesn't really connect to said attack.
But...moving on from that, I find this whole...ability of Smirke, his ability to balance ✨the horrors✨ and make them less powerful very interesting. It very much ties back into a lot of things we already know about him, like the "balance and fear" plaque in Old Passages, and his spiel about balance and equilibrium he gives to Sampson Kempthorne when he shittalks George Gilbert Scott in Foundations. But outside of that...well, part of it just gets me thinking about...what kind of knowledge this guy even had outside of architecture (the fact they're going THIS far with a real historical figure is kind of insane to me), but I feel like it also explains a lot of his motivations. I was initially under the impression that Smirke was building all of these horrific estates for dark forces out of....just being another weird servant of ✨the horrors✨, probably not bound to any specific one in the same vein as Mary and Leitner, but still...kind of a freaky guy. But now that we know his goal with the architecture was to create balance between these dark forces that are always at war with each other...yeah, I kind of think the man's saving people's asses as we speak. Now, after hearing this, I thought "oh, if his architecture can manage ✨the horrors✨, then maybe the tunnels are a sort of safe space", but...no, that's...entirely wrong of me. I mean, we have Micheal, The NotThem and The Seven Lamps of Architecture all working down there, Micheal outright says that everyone's safer in the institute than in the tunnels, and I mean...all of Smirke's architecture so far has had something freaky inside. Sure, the tunnels act as a safe space for Leitner, but I think that's less of a crazy cosmic horror deal and more of a...just being underground and generally well hidden sort of deal, so overall, that line of thinking was VERY wrong of me. I think it's actually a lot more likely that Smirke built these as places to...contain ✨the horrors✨, pretty much exactly like how Leitner did. They might be really freaky and dangerous spaces on their own, but...if not for his work, who knows how rampant ✨the horrors✨ would be today. So yeah, Smirke seems like he was a pretty cool guy for his time...but there is one other thing that bothers me.
For a while now, I've been wondering...why exactly the institute was constructed over the tunnels. And unfortunately...this episode just makes things more complicated for me. This episode gives us definitive confirmation that the institute belongs to one of✨the horrors✨, and while it's TECHNICALLY possible that connection only arrived when Elias became head, or maybe someone else...I have some slight doubts. I'm far from entirely closed off to that being a possibility, but given the long-standing connection to the von Closens and The Keays that has persisted since the institute's founding...I feel somewhat confident in the idea that the institute has had these connections to its patron since it's conception, especially due to all of the weird oddities surrounding Jonah Magnus and the like. So...if you're in service of one of ✨the horrors✨...why would you want to build the institute over a place that seeks to contain and suppress its power? Sure, maybe it has a chance of keeping the institute a little bit safe from your enemies, but...you're unlikely to be an exception in this case. So...why? But, I mean, hey, this is all on the assumption that Jonah Magnus, or anyone else who might've been involved in the institute's founding, was a servant of ✨the horrors✨. But truth be told...we know very little about Jonah, or the early history of the institute in general. I mean, he was definitely up to some sketchy stuff, probably doing some pretty deep digging when you remember he...SOMEHOW found Mrs. Carlisle's journal in a random cave in Idaho, but...that's really it, and they could go in a ton of directions when it comes to all this. The only person in all of the institute's history we know of who is a willing servant of ✨the horrors✨...is Elias, so it's possible all of this freaky shit started with him. I...could make an argument for either side honestly. Maybe it gained its patron when it was founded, maybe it did so when Elias arrived, or maybe it did so somewhere in between, who knows? I'm just going to leave it up in the air for the time being, because I want to be open to all logical possibilities regarding this matter...but that does mean that for now, the purpose of building the institute above the tunnels remains an anomaly. ...Where was I? Oh yeah, THE ACTUAL PLOT. ...help me please. ...I just realized how surprising it is that we didn't get more on that skin page Mary gave Gertrude. Like...I'm kind of glad they didn't give me EVEN more to chew on, but like...come on, what the hell was up with that?
Ok, so, with all of that, Leitner had finally built his grand library. A vast, maze-like structure located in who-knows-where that was home to...978 books in the end, dear god. That's not a lot for an average library...but it's concerning for one of this type. Unfortunately though...the library did not stand for a very long time, as it wasn't long until "the attack" happened. Now, we were initially led to believe that the library burned down...but what actually happened was so much worse. So, Leitner had put great effort into making sure that the power of the books was contained within his library, hence Smirke's designs...but he did not account for stopping things from getting in, because outside of the few odd artifacts, he didn't know that ✨the horrors✨ could manifest in ways other than the books, let alone have servants. For a while before the attack, almost every day Leitner would be met with a stranger who wished to view his collection. They were always...odd, speaking and moving in non-human ways, often forgetting to blink. Based on this description, I think it's likely that these..."people" were agents of The Stranger...meaning that they kind of spearheaded the attack. I find this relevant because, well...it's pretty easy to see the parallels between Leitner's library and the institute, and given my theory about what "The Unknowing" is....and how it's seemingly being spearheaded by servants of The Stranger...well, we'll get to it later, just know that I feel like the parallels are worth considering in regards to the attack. And speaking of which...the attack. Ok, well before that, I wanted to mention this. Leitner says he was typing a catalogue entry for "A Journal of a Plague Year" on the day of the event, and that's actually another example of a real world book made into a Leitner! Written by Daniel Defoe and published in 1722, it account's the experiences of a London man during the bubonic plague. If the Leitner is at all similar to the original, then I think it probably belongs to The Flesh Hive, given all of the themes of disease it could play with. Anyways, the attack.
So, I initially assumed that Leitner's library burned down, and he scattered his surviving books across the land in an attempt to keep them safe. But the truth of the matter is...well...all of ✨the horrors✨ lead an attack on the library...because all of them were after their books. So...all of the Leitners that have been found in the wild since the attack got to their respective locations through different means. And I mean...god, the description of the attack is just absloutely brutal. All of these assistants who...Leitner clearly saw as disposable, let's be honest, just...dying in the most gruesome ways. From what I can discern, there were four members of ✨the horrors✨ described in this scene. One assistant was stabbed in the throat by a creature with knife-like limbs and too many teeth, which sounds...pretty similar to The NotThem if I'm being honest, so even if it wasn't...I'm inclined to equate this creature to The Stranger. Another one was pulled into a giant pile of meat (gross), which I don't think I need to explain. And then there was one assistant who fell through a hole beneath her, and another who was plucked away by a giant hand from the roof,...and both of those seem to align with "The Vast" in my opinion. And then...there's the assistant who went through a door that shouldn't have been there. ...So yeah, Micheal was there at the attack- or, maybe it wasn't Micheal at the time, it was just The Distortion...uhhhhh...we'll go over that reveal in a bit. Oh, and Leitner also mentions rooms that fell into darkness and fire that didn't burn the books, so..that means Mr. Pitch and The Lightless Flame were also there. Leitner managed to escape, either because ✨the horrors✨ let him or our of luck...but the same could not be said for his assistants. He ran as far away as he could as his life's work was laid to ruin...and that was it. The Library of Jurgen Leitner was destroyed, the books within were scattered across the world and left to bring ruin to the lives of many (well...just The UK so far...I find it kind of hilarious how all of the freaky shit seems to be here of all places, honestly it's not unfitting), and Leitner was left to hide in what little safe space he could find for the next two decades, no books in hand, most of the world presuming him dead, and most who knew he was alive were intent on hunting him down, whether out of monstrous bloodlust or vengeance for their loved ones. The bookplates he once wished would act as a symbol of goodwill became an omen of evil, and therefore...so did he. ...So that's his story. Overall, it's very nice to finally get the full picture on one of the podcast's most vague and mysterious historical events...but MAN is it bleak. It's such a good yet such a depressing story about a man who...really wanted to do good in the world, but was so driven by his own pride and desire to be noticed that he ended up committing acts so cosmically stupid that...I think they beat out the table incident honestly. It's just...IT'S JUST SO GOOD!!! But...even though that's the main story of the episode...it is so far from over yet. There's just...so much. I feel...I feel like Jonny cooked a little TOO hard with this one...uuuaaaaagggghhhh.
Ok...so moving on. So, before the next big reveal comes in, Jon reprimands Leitner for his actions, while also asking why he didn't just burn the books. Leitner says that, once again, it was mostly due to his own pride, but there are some more logistical reasons for it as well. From Book of the Dead, we already know that some of them can't be burned, but...Leitner says that some of them actually liked the fire, and that the ones that did..."would be released to take a different form." ...This is interesting. I think it's safe to say that the books that liked the fire belonged to The Lightless Flame, but...them taking different forms...that's interesting, and someone in the Youtube comments ended up being smart enough to point out...maybe that's where Agnes is from? Obviously she was around LONG before the library was destroyed, but...she doesn't seem to be all that human, and her aging process is also quite the mystery, so...yeah, it's a fun thought, I like the idea of her being a direct manifestation of The Lightless Flame coming from a Leitner. But..moving on from that, Jon asks his next question? If Leitner didn't take any books with him after the attack, how did he get the ones he holds now? Well...this is where Gertrude comes into play. So, funnily enough, I've been on the assumption that she was working with Leitner since Held in Customs, where it was revealed that she was indeed grbookworm1818...but it was actually for the wrong reasons. I thought that she was buying her books directly off of Leitner, but only recently remembered she was getting them from random sources like auctions, so...I find it kind of funny that I accidentally predicted they were working together for completely wrong reasons. But...yeah, when Leitner started his collaboration with her (how they met being unclear), she helped him track down three of the missing books she thought could assist him. Now, Leitner says that while it was mostly done out of a desire to learn more about the books, which makes sense given what we know of her...he suspects that Gertrude helped him out of her own loneliness. That's, uh....not what I expected. From what we've seen of Gertrude so far, I never got the impression that she was...particularly dependent on others in any way shape or form, unless she had some substantial knowledge to gain from collaboration. So...hearing Leitner say this is pretty interesting to me. It's possible that maybe this WASN'T the case, and that Leitner is somewhat unreliable here, but...he seems to know Gertrude quite well, based on my impression of him at least, so I feel kind of obligated to hear him out on this one. Either way...it's an interesting characterization, certainly not what I expected. But...what's more interesting to me is WHY Leitner thinks Gertrude was lonely.
So...apparently, she actually had three assistants of her own, all of whom met "unpleasant ends", the last of them dying not long before she met Leitner. ...Oh dear. Ok, on one hand, this is a SUPER exciting reveal. I'm a sucker for whenever a faction of characters gets to have like...a full-on previous itteration of their group, who all get to be very fleshed out with their own stories, and sometimes act as parallels and/or foils to their successors...so if tma ends up pulling something like that with Gertrude's assistants...OOOHHHH that's enticing. But on the other hand...this is absolutely terrifying. It kind of depends on HOW they died, but...to know that Gertrude lost all of her assistants to...what I can only assume is ✨the horrors✨ is just...no. And like, sure, as far as I'm concerned we have no knowledge of these assistants outside of what's given in this episode, it's not like I'm super invested in them or anything...but I am very invested in our current archival assistants. And you know...given how Gertrude parallels Jon, and how the library parallels the institute, and how both the library and the institute have histories of assistant abuse, and how it's likely the old archival staff will parallel and/or foil the new one, and how Sasha has already left us...yeah, I'm absolutely terrified by the thematic implications here. Just...no. Oh, and the same principle goes for the narrative implications, it's just that...I shouldn't have to explain why people dying horrible deaths is unnerving. ...Gertrude Robinson is simultaneously making more and less sense as the days go on. It's um..it's very...not great sounding. Uh...m-moving on, we also learn what was up with the destroyed copy of The Key of Solomon Jon found in the tunnels (unfortunately the same cannot be said for the destroyed chairs). While some of the finer details are ultimately lost, the implication is that this one belonged to multiple members of ✨the horrors✨, and likely contained knowledge on them as well. Leitner and Gertrude thought they could utilize the stability inside the tunnels to gain its secrets, but it..."went wrong" in the former's words, and they had to destroy it. ...It is after this reveal that Jon asks...what is most definitely his craziest question yet. He asks...what these "powers", these forces arrayed against them, the ones behind everything...even are, and Leitner responds by saying that Jon should know about them by now...but also realizes that he's more of an observer than a connecter (oh my god oh my god), and says that Gertrude was quite similar to him in that regard. But Jon isn't satisfied with that, and he pushes on. So with that...it's time. It's time to finally learn about ✨the horrors✨. ...the way I screamed you have no idea.
Ok...so, starting off, let me just say that....I was right...and I'm extremely happy about that. Ok, well I obviously can't say that I was ENTIRELY right, and honestly, I don't expect myself to be entirely right going forward. Details such as...the exact number of these things, or what each specific one even is beyond the, like...seven that are basically confirmed still elude us, there's a LOT of information revealed here that I never predicted to begin with, especially that in regard to how ✨the horrors✨ function, and said information also creates even MORE questions, so...yeah, I can't fully judge how right or wrong I am until we get more information. But...I can at the very least say that I was right about the idea of all the spooky shit being at the behest of a pantheon of eldritch horrors, and while I'm certain that's far from the craziest theory ever...I don't know, I'm still pretty proud of myself whenever I correctly predict...anything in advance, and what, I've theorized this since like...A Father's Love? I...yeah, I think that's pretty good and validating! And I mean, my experience aside...the fact that there's finally any semblance of confirmation on just...how and why everything has been happening is just...kind of unreal to me. I'm...I'm really at the point where this is canon. Also, because I don't really know where else to put this, I feel like I should mention that...yes, revealing why all of this spooky shit has been happening in the first place and where it comes from...does have the potential to put the story less scary going forward, given how a lot of tma's horror comes from a fear of the unknown. But...I wouldn't be so immidiately pessimistic. The information we're given on ✨the horrors✨....makes them up to be pretty terrifying in their own right, leaning more into cosmic horror than tma has ever done before in my opinion, and on top of that, I feel like even if the podcast were to get less scary, that wouldn't matter to me all that much as long as other aspects of the story grew in its place. Because as strong as the horror is...I don't know, I think tma excels in a lot of other areas as well, such as its endearing characters, and what is obviously my favorite aspect, the general mystery, which encompasses lore and plot more than it does the nature of ✨the horrors✨. Oh, and that's not to say I think the story will become weaker if we get answers regarding lore and plot, it's just...look, the point is that my main concern is that the story remains consistently good. I don't really care how it decides to be good...I just want general quality. So...yeah, overall, I'm not too worried by these big reveals. Ok, that was...a lot more preamble than what I expected...what even ARE these big reveals I'm gassing up?
Oh...Jesus H. Crisps. So, Leitner explains that there are..entities, beings, forces beyond simple human comprehension...that do indeed exist. He initially says that they exist in the world, but then corrects himself by saying that they exist...next to it. Not neccesarily in different dimensions, Leitner clarifies that himself. My interpretation is that they exist in...some sort of in-between state? That's not to say that there's neccesarily alternate dimensions to begin with in tma's world, but like...I guess they exist in...purgatory? Primordial chaos? Some sort of...inner layer of a cosmic firmament? Just like...the void, is what I'm picking up here. Not an entirely different world, and as Leitner says, they are still linked to ours in ways I'll explore in a second, but...they sure as hell do not exist in any defined location on Earth, at least...not in their full power. So, throughout this whole description of ✨the horrors✨ (I just...I'm still in awe that they're actually real and being talked about properly), Leitner is very adamant on making the point that they are NOT. HUMAN. Like...in any way shape or form. The idea I once proposed, that they possessed thoughts and personalities that at the very least vaguely resemble human ones...was utter horseshit. These are eldritch beings in their prime, they are not and...probably never will be understood by humankind. And...yes, I am more than aware that such a reveal probably requires me to rethink some theories, such as the idea of Rayner's possessor being Mr. Pitch itself...but that is a whole othe rabbit hole that I don't have the time or energy to descend into, and...I'll save that for whenever The Divine Host comes back into play, because I still refuse to believe they're actually done for. Same principle applies for any other theories that might be changed by these reveals. Anyways, the fact of ✨the horrors✨ being almost entirely inhuman comes into play later through different means, but for now, it's only important for understanding that...these things just cannot function in our universe. It's never explained why, it's just...it's like trying two opposing magnetic forces together, it just scientifically does not work. At least...not fully. Whatever these things even are...while they might not be able to manifest in the human realm in full force, they can...push through on occasion. Basically, almost all of the weird manifestations we see, whether that be artifacts, books or just...generally strange occurrences, are...pieces of these beings bleeding into our world. Leitner uses a pretty good analogy to describe it. He says that if you imagine humans as ants in a colony who have never seen a human, and then imagine a scenario where a massive human figure started diving into your colony as the same as ✨the horrors✨ bleeding into our world...then that's basically it. He also says that the ants might have trouble figuring out if all of the body parts of the human are their own beings, or if they're all connected to one larger being they can't fully visualize, which is equated to people not being able to figure out if...let's say, a Leitner, is just its own entire thing, or simply a fragment of an eldritch being in a plane of its own. ...God, where is he even getting this information from? Like...huh? How? How...how do people know about this stuff? Who discovered these things? I just....AAAUAUUUUUGGHHHHH. Uh...moving on, there's another key piece of information regarding ✨the horrors✨ that we get here.
Jon asks if they're all "evil gods", but Leitner essentially says...no. Obviously there are plenty of people who see them as gods, as seen with all of the goddamn cults, but Leitner says that...trying to force a sort of..."pantheon" of these things into existence, trying to rationalize these beings and understand them as if they were gods from any other religion or mythology...doesn't really work. It ties back into the whole "these things can't be humanized" idea. This is...perplexing to me. While we still don't have a full list of these things, nor all of their titles...I feel like this dialogue confirms that such a list exists. All of the cults serve different beings, and all of the beings are fighting each-other. But...the whole monologue here kind of suggests that in actuality...that interpretation might not be correct. Assuming that there's a definable pantheon of eldritch gods isn't really a genuine academic study of these things, rather...it's just humanity's attempt to rationalize them, to understand what cannot be understood. Now, I don't think this makes trying to create a list of ✨the horrors✨, or trying to separate them into different beings entirely futile. At the end of the day, humans are still making distinctions between them, they're still worshiping and fighting over separate powers, and that is a more important plot point than ever. If the humans in this story can make their attempts at rationalizing ✨the horrors✨, then I sure as hell can do so. Besides, I like coming up with eldritch god pantheons, and I mean...the plot is already confusing enough as is, so I do NOT need more confusion on top of that. In short, I think the pursuit of further understanding these things is far from a fruitless one, because it'll help me understand what all of these weird people's goals and...overall deals are...but it won't help me understand ✨the horrors✨ themselves. Whatever framework humanity defines ✨the horrors✨ under is good for understanding the cults and the weirdos and all of the little pieces that bleed through...but not ✨the horrors✨ in their purest form. As of now...trying to understand them specifically seems like a futile quest. But hey...the pantheon DOES exist, maybe only in our puny earthling minds, but like...so does the concept of time, but I don't see YOU calling that useless, do I? ....Ok, this got a little too deep. Uh...oh! There's one last major thing, and thankfully it's a lot more simple.
Basically, Leitner explains that things like the books and...presumably all other sorts of artifacts, are exactly what I previously explained, just pieces or...direct creations of ✨the horrors✨ brought into the human realm, "their essences in a purer form." But....their servants, beings like The NotThem, or any of the cult members...they're a bit of a different story. They are still directly connected to ✨the horrors✨, or course, and maybe slightly controlled by them...? I don't know, that part's a little bit more vague, it would tie in with what Jon said about...the people affected by Leitners becoming more like the powers than themselves, but the point is...even if they're directly connected to ✨the horrors✨, even if they're...somewhat a part of them, they are also still their own individuals. So like, The NotThem for example. It's seemingly connected to what we define as "The Stranger", and definitely...represents it in a lot of ways, but it's also it's own concious being at the same time, emphasized by how it...kind of betrayed those it was working for. This kind of makes me think of ✨the horrors✨ as like....reclusive gods who the people never see, and all of the weirdos who've been marked by them, their...prophets, connected and representative of the beings they work for...but still somewhat individual. And yes, I'm well aware that's kind of falling into the trap of trying to humanize ✨the horrors✨...but I'm just...REALLY trying to not get confused here, ok? The chances of us actually meeting ✨the horrors✨ in their purest forms seems pretty slim at the moment, and the chances of them being anything vaguely human-like...seem slim to none, so...if we wanted to get any idea of what ✨the horrors✨ would be like if they had actual minds or personalities like that of regular people (so like, eldritch gods more in line with The Lords in Black from Hatchetifield...look I had to mention them at some point because have you SEEN some of those parallels?!), then...I guess all of their servants are our best bet. And one last bit. While most of the people and sentient monsters who are connected to ✨the horrors✨ have their own individual minds...there do seem to be a couple of exceptions here and there, ones that embody the power they serve on a...deeper and purer level. The most obvious example of this to me is Jane, who is similar to people like...I don't know, Mike, in the sense that she's a human who was turned monstrous by one of ✨the horrors✨, but...looking at her personality, or rather her...disturbing lack of one post-statement, it's clear that she's a lot more intrinsically linked to The Flesh Hive than Mike is The Vast for example, which is likely a result of all of the hivemind themes going on there, and also...arguably one of the best cases to be made for a pantheon interpretation of ✨the horrors✨...actually being pretty on the money. So uh yeah...all very interesting...and all very terrifying.
Ok...that was a lot. I'm sorry if my analysis was kind of sloppy it's just...wow. I'm very grateful for all of this information, believe me, but at the same time....GRRRRRRR I NEED MORE!!! Like it's just...it's just missing a few core details that could make me feel at ease, but for now....ugggghhh. Overall, I think that...in order for me to fully feel at peace with all of this information, I'm going to just...need to get used to it being a thing, since WOW is this a dramatic change in terms of worldbuilding and status quo, but I'll also need some extra bits of information here and there. Like, even if they can't be truly understood, even if the idea of them functioning like the Greek pantheon or whatever isn't scientifically correct...I'd like to at the very least know...what that pantheon concieved by humanity is, because there's clearly...SOME sort of list out there given how everyone talks about ✨the horrors✨ as seperate beings. Like, what do people call each of them? How many of them do people think they are? And like...is there any more information due to come out on their true nature, or are they cursed to forever remain mysterious and vague? Because like...whether as a symbolic design choice or as an in-universe fact, I'm more sure of the idea of them representing different kinds of fears than I've ever been, and if you pair the idea of them bleeding into our world with the simulation theory...then maybe ✨the horrors✨ are like the virtual world creators influencing the matrix-WAIT! NO! NO! I SAID I WASN'T GOING TO GO THAT OFF TRACK! BAD! Look it's just...it's just a lot. Truth be told, I'm still processing all of this, because it is just...such a monumental lore-drop. Hopefully I'll have a better understanding of them sooner rather than later, but for now...it's just a matter of getting adjusted to this new information being a thing, which...kind of ties back into the whole "this episode is amazing on its own but I can't really determine whether or not it's a good finale until I see how it transitions into Season 3" thing, and it's also a matter of getting more information that explains ✨the horrors✨ in more detail. But for now...I'm just going to leave it all here. Oh my god HOW AM I STILL NOT DONE I'VE BEEN WRITING THIS POST FOR FIVE FUCKING WEEKS NOW JUST SAVE ME ALREADY!!! Well, next up we have...what is objectively the only important aspect of this entire episode, and if you disagree with me you shall be thrown into a hallway. Everything else would've been important if it wasn't for this. That's right. It's time for the fucking Micheal lore-drop.
So....Micheal. God's favorite. Owner of all nobel prizes. The boy who lived. Whatever. He's...been quite the perplexing character, hasn't he? Over like...the past four posts, I've concoted a plethora of theories as to what his deal is, which has been...as maddening as it is throughly enjoyable, which is honestly a pretty good way to describe the entire process of writing these. And...while there's still quite a lot of pieces missing, like...wow do I still not understand him one bit, this episode wa sgracious enough to give us some...vague, yet still very insightful information on him. It...honestly feels kind of miraculous to get anything at all. ...So. Basically since his vocal debut, I've assumed that...whatever Micheal is, he is part of a larger being. This is because in The New Door, when Jon asks if he "owns" his hallway dimension, he responds by asking if "your hand, in any way, owns you stomach." This has led me to believe that Micheal, his hallways, and...likely his door are all part of a much larger being...and I think this episode confirms it. Leitner tells Jon that "Micheal" is simply a name used by something called "The Distortion". ...Oh boy. This can be interpreted in...a lot of ways. Maybe "The Distortion" is just the real name of the blonde man, and "Micheal" is an alias for whatever reason, I don't know. But my interpretation is that...The Distortion is the larger entity that Micheal and the hallways encompass. I have...no idea what it could be outside of that. Like...what kind of "distortion" is it? Temporal? One in the fabric of reality? Is is a simple manifestation of one of ✨the horrors✨, an artifact, or a servant with a will of its own? I just...I just have no idea. However, what I do have for a reasonable belief is the idea that The Distortion...takes different forms at many times. The backrooms are one of them, but Micheal is another. Given how Leitner describes him, I think Micheal is like...a vessel, The Distortion's OC or something. It can't move around or communicate with others due to...whatever its nature even is, place, monster, alternate dimension, who knows? So...it uses Micheal like you would use...a player character in a video game or something. Which to me, makes a lot more sense that Micheal being a corrupted human, since his demeanor and...even apperance, range from somewhat strange to just straight up not human in nature. For him to be the persona, the humanoid vessel of something that is anything but human...I think it checks out. It's also...VERY similar to The NotThem, but it's basically confirmed that the two of them are believed to belong to different members of ✨the horrors✨ now, so...either their similarities are purely a thematic representation of the deceit, paranoia and insanity that Jon has been up against all season, since the two of them have...basically been the main antagonists for this part of the story, or...it might tie into the idea of the agreed upon pantheon of ✨the horrors✨ being somewhat debatable, but...I'm not going to go there for now. And you know what's funny? ...All of this information doesn't entirely disregard my theory about all of the Micheals being this one. I mean...there's like a 0.5% chance it happens, but...it's still not impossible, and that is absolutely hilarious to me. It SHOULDN'T have lasted this long, and yet...here we are. Either way though...I feel like some of the ideas presented in that theory hold some merit? Like, I've already talked about Mike having a "fractal pattern" burned into his skin potentially making him...somewhat connected to Micheal, but...Micheal is a very, VERY common name, and if we view him as The Distortion's attempt at making a human OC for itself to parade around as...I don't know, the idea of it choosing one of the most common names feels tonally appropriate to me, so...maybe the heavy amount of Micheals is actually meant to foreshadow something here, even if they aren't the same person.
But, crackpot theory aside, there is one other big piece of information we got on Micheal here. So...you know how I kind of suggested that if my simulation fear experiment theory was true, there was a chance that Micheal was a glitch or virus trying to break things down? Well...while the general simulation theory I proposed in Thought for the Day still holds pretty strong ground in my opinion...the second part doesn't do so at all anymore. This is because we have explicit confirmation that Micheal, and "The Distortion" at large, is an aspect of one of ✨the horrors✨. So...he's a part of a larger being that is part of a larger being. That is...just way too perfect for him holy shit. So, yeah...The Distortion, whatever or whoever it truly is, belongs to an eldritch power which Leitner calls "The Spiral", although it was initially named by one of his assistants as "Esmentiaras" which roughly translates to "it is lies" or "it is lying". Honestly, both are pretty fitting names, but I'll stick with "The Spiral", since I think it fits better with the...common trends seen among the naming schemes for ✨the horrors✨. Anyways, Leitner explains that The Spiral deals in fooling and tricking the senses, making people see things that aren't really there and driving them to insanity, which...definitely checks out when you consider the nature of the backrooms. And of course, it has a fondness for fractals. That's...really all of the major stuff I have to say on "The Spiral", truth be told I don't think there's much hiding in Leitner's words here, although I do have a couple of thoughts that...kind of relate to it. First of all, this confirms that Micheal and/or The Distortion specifically...isn't one of ✨the horrors✨ in its entirety, simply an aspect of The Spiral. This might mean that episodes that...seem as if they contain involvement from Micheal might actually just be related to some other manifestation or servant of The Spiral, and that maybe some statements I initially didn't understand the cause behind...might be a bit more clear now. I think an example of this might actually be the one and only homophobic vase. It basically caused Mr. Ramao to stop trusting what he perceived as reality, and...I mean, it's not exactly fractals, but the patterns on it...line up with them well enough for me. Secondly, while the idea of Micheal being some external variable infiltrating the simulation run by ✨the horrors✨ is absolutely not true, I...still think he might be able to break down the system given what he did to Lydia. I mean, her talk about staring into the faces of cosmic horrors when sleep deprived feels more relevant than ever now, and even if Micheal belongs to one of ✨the horrors✨...he's still a bit of an exception. What made him so initially terrifying to me was how he was the first example, and...still is one of the only examples of ✨the horrors✨ not being entirely antagonistic, he's much more hard to predict and turbulent in his alignment, and on top of that, he's one of the very few freaky characters so far that seems to have no stake in the struggle between ✨the horrors✨ beyond just seeing what happens next and fucking around when he wants to, so...I think he's still capable of doing some unique shit, just not for the reasons I once assumed. Or..maybe for no reason at all. And finally...god damn, if the way Leitner talked about The Spiral didn't make me even more suspicious of ✨the horrors✨' connections to fear...I don't know what it did. Well, that's a wrap on the Micheal lore! He's the humanoid identity of something called The Distortion which we know next to nothing about (maybe...one of many given how Leitner phrased it as "what it calls itself nowadays", rather than just in general), and The Distortion belongs to one of ✨the horrors✨, which is usually referred to as The Spiral. MOVING ON!
Ok...so before I get to the big event YES I KNOW IT'S TAKING A WHILE, there is one last bit of information Leitner gives regarding ✨the horrors✨. Basically, he tells us that if you want to classify which one is causing any instance of the paranormal, you need to think about the meaning behind what it's manifesting as, rather than...just exactly what's in front of you. The example used here is bones. Sometimes, bones are used to represent the raw physicality of flesh, which seems to tie them back to the body horror. But on other occasions, they might be a symbolic representation of butchery, or a human figure like Micheal being twisted into something impossible, the former of which being...a bit hard for me to decipher a connection for, and the second one obviously being The Spiral. Ok? That's all I've got. Now...for Jon's last question. The one that's been on our minds this entire season. The one that's been the driving force behind all of his actions over these past 40 episodes. ...Who killed Gertrude Robinson. Even if it's not always the big mystery at the forefront of everything...if Jon didn't care about it, if the prospect of her murder didn't terrify him as much as it does...we would not be here. So...who did it? Well, Leitner is quick to deny himself as the murderer (which honestly thank god, like I said, I could NOT handle Jonny's dad murdering Jonny's mom), but he still attempts to change the subject and shallowly reassure Jon that he's fine, likely out of fear. But, Jon keeps on pushing for answers, like he always does...and we finally get them. Gertrude Robinson was murdered by Elias Bouchard. At least, if Leitner's to be believed, and I don't think I have much reason to assume otherwise. ...Ok. For...very obvious reasons, I'm going to save the Elias discussion for just a little bit longer, since...I have quite a few thoughts. For now though...I think I can at the very least give my opinion on the general twist of him killing her. I...honestly think it works pretty well! Now, look, is it the craziest plot twist of all time, god no. I was suspicious of this man since before he even showed up in person, and when it was revealed that Gertrude was murdered and I listened to his statement in Human Remains, that suspicion only grew. I mean, hell, Jon himself was exceedingly suspicious of him as well, so I don't even think it's supposed to be a big twist. The big twist...comes a little bit later, but I'll hold my tongue for the time being. But all things considered...I'm still satisfied, and decently surprised as well! While there is still a lot we don't know about Elias, and this finale raised like...a thousand more questions about him from me, with the information we've been given on his motives and methods so far...yeah, I don't see any reason to doubt it's possible. And while I never looked away from him completely, I think the podcast did a genuinely good job at making me consider other candidates for Gertrude's murder, such as..."the person in the tunnels" as we once knew him. It didn't necessarily make me trust Elias, just...not pay as much attention to him as I should've. So...yeah, it's far from the craziest plot twist I've ever seen, but it works well enough, and like I said, it's not like this episode is derived of twists. ...God, is it not derived of twists.
Anyways, my thoughts aside, Leitner goes on to explain what he believes is Elias' motive for killing her. Apparently...she was going to destroy the archives, along with Leitner himself, although Elias seemingly didn't know about the latter's involvement. That's...certainly interesting. It definitely lines up with what we currently know about Gertrude so far, given how it's been well established that she didn't trust the institute. And...look I'm not going to bother doing the whole dramatic buildup here, but since we now have confirmation that the institute belongs to one of ✨the horrors✨...that also lines up, since both Leitner and Gertrude have a history of fighting against them through different means, although the latter's motives for doing so still remain a gaping mystery. And it makes sense for Elias to stop her, since...well, he's the head, I assume the institute is very dear to him if that's the case, like...yeah it's his job. I do have questions about the whole timeline of events surrounding this, Gertrude and Leitner's methods, the...suspicious emphasis on the archives rather than the institute as a whole, which I've talked about before, and also...who we consider to be in the "right" here, Gertrude or Elias, but that last one's...a whole other can of worms. [INSERT OBLIGATORY JANE MENTION HERE.] But uh...yeah, overall, this all makes sense so far. It's here that Leitner also reveals what he needs from Jon. Apparently, there are files on...something, it's kind of vague on what exactly, but they seem to contain information on the institute, and...things Gertrude found on The Stranger specifically. Uh...we'll touch on that a bit more in a second, all we need to know right now though is that these files are...important, important and secret enough to the point where Elias likely stole them after murdering Gertrude. Leitner was digginng for them in the archives, hence what Jon saw on the CCTV, but since they weren't there, he assumes they need to break into Elias' office and steal them before he catches on to what's going on. Oh, and mentioning the CCTV, Leitner ALSO explains (god my head is spinning from all this explanation) that the reason Elias can still be the murderer despite him not showing up on the CCTV footage...is because he has the ability to directly control what they see, or simply ruin them beyond recovery, at least when it comes to those in the institute. And...that's when Jon comes to a big realization. Something that most of the season has been building up to. As expected...the institute is the domain of one of ✨the horrors✨. The being that always makes Jon feel as if he's being watched. The being that's preventing Tim, and seemingly everyone from quitting. The being that stalked Rosa Meyer. The being responsible for the ancient archivist in Alexandria. The being that Elias...seemingly serves. ..."The Eye", otherwise known as Beholding. ...Yikes.
Honestly, while I, and I assume most others, clocked it a while ago...I think the buildup to this reveal was handled absolutely phenomenally, just...sowing little seeds as the story progresses. And in general, the twist of the institute being just as paranormal as everything it researches is just...such a novel concept in its own right, and I'm REALLY intrigued to see what they do next now that the theory has been confirmed. Also, I feel like an idiot for just not calling it "The Eye" in the first place. Something like "The Spiral"...makes sense, but isn't THAT easy to predict. This though...I don't know, I feel like it should be within my capacity to call it that with confidence, but...whatever. Anyways, Leitner goes on to explain that not only does the institute belong to The Eye...but so does Jon as well. Now, based on the whole...inability to quit thing, I get the sense that everyone in the institute has at least some sort of connection to The Eye, but Jon...he seems special. The NotThem literally called him its "pupil" in the previous episode. This seemingly ties into the title of "archivist" having greater meaning, which leads me to assume that Gertrude possessed a lot of the same unique qualities as Jon...but beyond that, we don't know much. All we know is that...Jon is important in this regard, but how exactly is just a wide open enigma at the moment. I can at the very least recognize that he doesn't seem to be...quite as willing to serve it as some others, but...he also doesn't seem to be that able to fight against...whatever power The Eye has over him, which is actually in stark contrast to Gertrude. For all their similarities, the two archivists have quite a few differences, and one of those is that Gertrude was a lot less of a coward. She went out of her way to put a stop to multiple paranormal occurrences, which included destroying one of The Eye's domains...and attempting to destroy the institute herself, so despite her likely connection to it...she wasn't subservient. Granted, it's possible that Jon will do more things like her in the future and I'll be proven wrong, I mean, it doesn't seem like he'll be confined to the institute in Season 3 given how the episode ends, so that could definitely provide opportunities to fight against the paranormal directly soon enough. But for now...I get the sense that Gertrude was a lot stronger than him in this regard, but...it's all very interesting. Well...with all of that out of the way, Jon is...understandably shaken after everything he's learned. He's discovered an incredibly fucked up story about evil books, is probably shaking at the prospect of The NotThem still being alive, has learned that everything in his life is at the whim of a pantheon of eldritch horrors, that his boss is a murderer, and that he belongs to a horrific eye that seeks to watch him run about his miserable life until he dies. And to make matters worse, he logically doesn't have time to freak out because...you know? Evil boss? The files? But...he chooses to ignore that fact. He's so desperate to just...get a few minutes of peace, that he decides to start smoking again after being quit for five years. And not only is that a bad idea in general (like, does he not remember Anglerfish?), but...going out there for a quick break, leaving behind his...self-defense mechanism...ends up being his second greatest mistake behind the table thing. Yeah...it's time for THAT scene. But first...
Ok, yes, I'm well aware this probably feels like I'm stalling, I know people probably want to hear my thoughts on the uh...sound of leaky tap water that plays near the end, but I just...I NEED to talk about Elias. I was thinking of doing my deep look at him AFTER the scene, but...I'd be talking about him all day if that were the case, and honestly...I think this has better flow. Basically, I'm going to look back at everything we've seen of him up until this point, which truth be told isn't a lot, and then see how those scenes are recontextualized...not really by his actions in this episode, but just by the simple knowledge of him being Gertrude's killer...and also inherently fucked up and evil. At least...I think he's fucked up and evil? Just...uh...look, his alignment depends on just...which of ✨the horrors✨ we're supposed to cheer for and which ones we aren't, along with just...a lot of other stuff that I don't have the time or energy to discuss. Just know that, as of now...I think Elias is kind of a psychopath, I do not trust him one bit and I find him very dangerous and scary...but it's just impossible for me to tell whether or not he's going to be an antagonist or not by the end. At the very least, I...don't think he'll be the friendliest force in Season 3. Ok? Ok. ....Right. So...Elias. He's always been one of, if not THE most perplexing character in the entire series to me. He's just so...oddly absent, really sketchy and...honestly came off as kind of boring to me in a way that no other character in tma has before. I know I've said that I wish the archival assistants showed up even more, but despite that, Martin, Sasha, Not!Sasha and Tim have always sort of just...felt nearby, whether that be due to actual appearances, little mentions of them from Jon or...just the general energy of the archives. Elias on the other hand, has always just...felt so distant to me. I mean, yeah, he works in a different department, but for a guy who runs the entire institute...I mean, in retrospect, he comes off as a lot more in charge of things than I initially assumed, but he just...didn't FEEL like a big piece of the puzzle in the same way everyone else has, and whenever we did see him...he always just had the most boring middle-manager vibe concievable. And yet...there's just SO many things that are off about him. His backstory, which seems oddly out of character for the person we know today, to the point where I have to assume that he's hiding SOMETHING about it. His odd reluctance to talk about Gertrude's death. His desire to just...ignore everything parnormal as much as possible, and then other weird things like him recognizing The NotThem (which makes a lot of sense now given the whole...Eye vs. Stranger thing). So...depite his relative plainess, there was always clearly something else going on. The thing is though....I never thought of him as truly, plainly evil. I've thought for a very long time that he was capable of doing bad things, that he HAS done bad things, that he doesn't have the best moral compass, and that he was likely to be Gertrude's killer. ...But I always had enough faith in him to assume that he had...at least some good reasoning. I mean, it's not like Gertrude hasn't done her own fair share of...questionable things, even if for good reasons, so...maybe Elias killed her for the greater good. Maybe the reason he tries to ignore the glaring oddities within the institute is because he wants to keep others safe. Maybe...he wasn't that bad. But while that still isn't technically impossible, while he....COULD still pull through...I doubt that he will. Because after seeing how he acts in...the big scene, the way he talks...I do not think Elias is likely to be all that good of a person.
Probably not a creature of pure evil like The NotThem...but certainly someone worth fearing, someone who is just...overall unhinged and terrifying, someone who is willing to do some extremely messed up things for...likely not great reasons. Just...yeah, he gives off some very bad vibes. And I think that's what makes him work as a twist villain of sorts. I don't think you're supposed to be shocked by him being a corrupt and dangerous character, nor are you supposed to be shocked by him being the murderer...but you are supposed to be shocked by just how...incredibly brutal he ends up being. And at least for now, I feel like he's avoided the classic twist villain trap of just...doing a complete 180º turn in personality. I mean, sure, what we see of him in this episode is...VERY different from what we're used to, but depending on how he acts in Season 3...I feel like they have the ability to make it believable that this is still the same guy, and we're just now witnessing a different side of him. I...really hope they write him like that at least, because I wouldn't really like it if he just...started acting crazy 24/7 and never showed his more calm and reasonable aspects ever again. Anyways, I have no idea what his motivations are, what the deeper aspects of his past might be, or just...where he's going to even stand in the story going forward beyond being a very unnerving presence, especially with all of the OTHER shit that seems to be encroaching into the main plot...but even if I can't decipher his entire character at the moment...what is my general opinion of him now? Well...I think he's most likely going to be a dangerous and antagonistic force throughout Season 3, but his role in Seasons 4 and 5 are still very up in the air. I think...something extra happened in between him joining the institute in 1991, and becoming head in 1996, and that it'll explain why he's so different from what you'd assume of him based on what little we know about his past. He is most definitely a servant of The Eye, and even if it turns out he was brought into its embrace unwillingly, he is most definitely serving it out of his own will nowadays, at the very least more than Jon and the rest of the institute, and also seems concerned with making sure it comes out on top in the struggle between ✨the horrors✨. Although...given how The NotThem says the archivist is "The Eye's pupil", I do actually wonder if maybe Jon is more important to it than Elias, but...that might be a bit of a leap. I definitely think that Leitner is correct in his hypothesis of Elias killing Gertrude due to her attempt at destroying the archives, in fact, based on what happens later, I think it's safe to assume that he is willing to murder anyone who even remotely gets in the way of...whatever the hell he wants. Uh...he's probably deeply entwined with institute history in one way or another...I think he's likely to be the guy who sold out The Divine Host's location to the cops in Police Lights...he probably has a plethora of other supernatural abilities that we just don't know about, and, uh...overall...I've gone from finding him perplexing and kind of sketchy to being...absolutely mortified by what he's capable of, and by whatever else he might do in the future. Also I think it would be funny if it turned out that all of his fucked up actions were committed when he was zooted out of his mind, and he's actually completely normal outside of that. Remember kid, the true eye monster is marijuana. That's...basically it. Sorry if this part was a bit incoherent, truth be told my mind is still kind of all over the place when it comes to this guy...but it's good for me to get down what thoughts I can. Oh, and uh...on the note of what he's capable of...how about that big scene?
....Ok. Stay calm. Take a deep breath. You can do this. *inhales*....BEATING YOU WITH A METAL PIPE ASMR!!!!!! I just. I. I can't believe that after all these...uh...months...I've finally gotten here. Ok, let me just start off by getting something important out of the way. I...understand why this is such a meme. I mean, like, how could it not be, you know? This is...one of, if not THE most powerful scene in all of tma so far. It's full of drama, information, amazing voice acting, amazing pacing, and triggers the biggest change in the story's status quo so far. Like...it's absolutely unforgettable, I'm still partial to the table scene personally, but...this is a CLOSE second. (Also the parallels between that scene and this one will haunt me and my family for generations.) But with all of that being said...christ you feral zombie children are evil. You listen to a sad old man get beaten by a pipe and decide that "yes, THIS is what we'll be making jokes about for the next seven years"? ...How wretched of you. Ok, in all seriousness...I have some stuff to say. So, going back to where I left off, Jon ignores the message of the first episode (in all seriousness I really hope him going for a smoke is intentionally referencing Anglerfish), and decides to leave the room, while absolutely definitely making sure he doesn't leave anything important behind. As he does...Leitner talks into the tape, seemingly as if Gertrude were there, suggesting that...despite their similarities, despite their shared paranoia, she probably wouldn't have liked Jon due to his lack of an ability to stomach what everyone's up against. I really do like how Jon and Gertrude both parallel and foil each other, this season has done a great job at showing they're more similar than we initially thought, but they have enough differences to prevent it from feeling like they're TOO similar. And also...I'm only saying this just in case but...what if Leitner talking to Gertrude here implies she's in the tapes? Do I believe that? No. But....in the 0.0000001% chance such a theory is right, let it be known that I DID throw it out there, OK?! Well, while that's kind of a sweet and sad moment, it doesn't last long because- OH HI ELIAS. So...yeah, unfortunately he isn't blind to what's been going on, and also isn't happy about it either. Now...the following conversation is...vague. Like, REALLY vague. There's clearly a lot of important stuff being talked about here, but telling what that important stuff even is...it's difficult, to put it lightly. But...I'll try my best.
So, Elias barges in, immediately threatening to kill Leitner if he dares to touch one of his books which is...pleasant. He explains that he's known someone's been down in the tunnels for a long time...and I mean, if he serves the thing that's always watching then I guess he probably knows...a LOT of things overall (like just...AAAAAHHH IT'S SUCH A COOL AESTHETIC FOR A PLACE OF ACADEMIA), but that he never knew it was Leitner, nor that he had gotten out and come into the archives. I assume this is due to the power of A Disappearance, as Leitner implied earlier on, and...that also kind of adds to the idea of it being associated with The Stranger, given, once again, its supposed opposition to The Eye. Unfortunately though, Jon's clumsiness outweighed Leitner's discreetness, and Elias was able to find him in a way he couldn't when Gertrude was around. Mentioning her, he also asks if Leitner told Jon about her. I'm assuming this is meant to refer to...you know, her murder, which means Leitner's probably lying when he says no, but...it could techincally refer to anything else regarding her that the two of them both know about, so...eh. Anyways, he then demands Leitner to tell him what he's after, to which he answers with the files in his office. Now, Elias asks if Leitner's planning to commit arson, so...I guess the files tell you how to burn down the institute and/or the archives? Maybe? But like...that kind of brings up the question of...why would you need these top secret files to know how to do that? Why couldn't you just grab a lighter? Hm...well, keeping that in mind, Leitner tries to explain that he's not only after the files due to what they contain on the institute, but also...the supposed member of ✨the horrors✨ known as The Stranger, and...the something relating to them called The Unknowing. So...this is one of the most interesting things mentioned here. As I'm sure you remember, it was mentioned by The NotThem last episode, and I believed that due to its name and its clear relation to The Stranger, it was some sort of attack on the institute, either entirely committed by servants of The Stranger, or at least primarily led by them. And...I'm inclined to believe that the latter interpretation is true. Firstly, Leitner says that Elias of all people should want to stop it. And I mean...if it's an attack on the institute, that comment checks out. And you know how I alluded to Leitner's library parallelling the institute in a lot of weird ways. Well...the attack on his library was, in my opinion, likely led by servants of The Stranger, since the people who started visiting before the attack, the ones who were really weird and forgot to blink...match up pretty well with beings like The NotThem and The Anglerfish's people. So...maybe the attack is supposed to act as foreshadowing for The Unknowing! At the very least though, even if this interpretation is wrong, I think it's safe to say that The Unknowing is something heavily linked to The Stranger, and...something worth dreading. I mean, given its rivalry with The Eye, I think Elias has enough motivation to get rid of anything relating to The Stranger, and I mean...if Gertrude was keeping her intel on it with the same files she needed to...somehow destroy the archives, then there's a decent enough chance she'd want to stop it. But...that raises the question of why she'd want to stop something that would theoretically do exactly what she wants...but then again, it kind of feels like all of the ✨the horrors✨ are just a bunch of different brands of evil fighting against each other, so...maybe The Unknowing results in something bad in its own right? I...I don't really know, but given how it's being built up, I feel like more intel on it is due sooner rather than later, so...I'll just wait and see.
Anyways, while Leitner seems pretty scared by the prospect of...whatever The Unknowing is, Elias is the stark opposite, entirely confident that he can put a stop to it, even willing to lightly poke fun at the servants of The Stranger having a supposed lack of creativity. And then...Leitner asks what Jon's going to think when he arrives back in the archives...and in retrospect, I think...he knew what was about to happen. Elias responds by saying that Jon "was always going to have to fly the nest at somepoint", clearl insinuating that he wants Jon to leave the archives, which is...strange, Leitner seems worried that he'll die in the process, which...I guess makes sense, Micheal did imply that Jon is protected from ✨the horrors✨, but only in the institute, and then...it happens. It. Happens. My ears are serenaded by the one, the only....[EXTENDED SOUNDS OF BRUTAL PIPE MURDER]. I'm in...well, I'm in a lot of states. Shock, confusion, excitement, satisfaction, fear, sorrow...all of it. Elias Bouchard...just brutally murdered a man to death with a metal pipe, not a whiff of hesitation or remorse emanating from him. And Jurgen Leitner...is dead. The man who led to so many terrible happenings by pure accident and folly...is dead. The man who still had so many answers to all of Jon, mine, and everyone's burning questions...is dead. The man who for all we know, could've destroyed or saved the world had he lived longer...is dead. And whoever wrote that infamous rant about him...is THRIVING. There's...really not much I have to say about this scene that I'm not certain hasn't been said before. It's just...it's as shocking and iconic as it is cold and cruel. In a world of eldritch gods and supernatural abilities...an old man getting murdered by an average lethal weapon is arguably the most insane thing that's happened so far. While I doubt that we're entirely done with Leitner as a concept, as there are most definitely many of his books still out there, along with the people who have been changed by them and a number of other mysteries that will likely tie back to him...the fact that the man himself is dead, that he's been brutally murdered without ever getting the recognition he desired, his mark on the world forever a stain...that changes so much. How it changes things is a mystery for the time being...but I just know. I know it does. This...um...this certainly wasn't how I expected the season to end. ...Rest in peace Jurgen Leitner, for all of the abysmal mistakes, for all of the lives ruined by your actions...at heart, you did not deserve this. Elias...even if you aren't the big bad, even if you get redeemed by some slim margin...fuck you, you little freak. I say that affectionately though because HOLY SHIT he has become so much more interesting to me now, and like...I can't view him as anything but iconic after this scene. But uh...yeah, that's basically it. Just...I'm...huh.
Elias leaves the room, and we're left in the cold dead air of the archives for nearly a minute, the only sound accompanying us being the deathly drip of Leitner's blood, from his head and onto the floor. That's...just really fucking cold of them, yikes. Thankfully though, we aren't left with them for too long, because Jon comes back into the archives and-..hey wait that's not much better! The whole bit here...man. Jonny does such an absolute killer job here, coming into the room ready to make idle chitchat about him quitting smoking, only for the cold realization of what's in front of him to set in...and the stammers, the nervous laugh, the inability to finish his sentence...my god it's brilliant. And this is where Elias and Leitner's exchange finally starts to make sense...because yeah, if a man is found dead in the office of the guy who's been exhibiting incerasingly disturbing behavior for the past 7 months...it's not hard to see what the logical conclusion is. ...Elias framed Jon, seemingly so that he'd be forced to run away into the wider world in order to avoid being arrested. ...WHY?! WHAT IS THE POINT IN ALL THIS?! Is he just framing Jon because it's easier than covering up the body? Is he trying to push Jon out of the institute so that he gets murdered by ✨the horrors✨, and then...I don't know, HE gets to be "The Eye's pupil" or whatever? Or is it for some other reason that I can't properly comprehend at the moment? I just...AAAAAAAAAGHHHHHHHHHH!! At the very least...I definitely feel like Jon's fallen into Elias' trap in one way or another, and...whether he immediately gets arrested or spends Season 3 on the run from the authorities...it is clear that he is in danger...and that he's probably not in the institute anymore. He just...he needs to run. Whether he can physically stay away from it for that long is a whole other question but uh...yeah. I...don't really know what this means for the future. Maybe we'll only follow Jon next season, maybe we'll hang out with Martin and Tim at the institute, I'm...personally guessing there'll be a mix of both, but...there's definitely going to be some changes...and that is equal parts exciting and mortifying. I just. Wow. The Magnus Archives is a fucking podcast.
Well...one more part. ...I am so tired right now you have no idea. The final recording comes from....OH MY GOD THANK THE STARS THEY'RE OK!!! Honestly I...kind of forgot about them as I was writing for this episode, but neither Martin or Tim got eaten by The Distortion, which is good because...man was I worried, especially for the latter of the two. No Micheal though...sad but understandable, I hope they just let him hang around the archives like a normal employee more next season. They mention that "the tape works now" which actually made me come to the realization that this entire time...the static has been coming from the tapes. Outside of...maybe the phone call with Basira (who, by the way, I'm honestly a little surprised didn't have anything to do in the finale, but...maybe her and/or other members of Section 31 will come back in Season 3, especially in regards to the uh..."plumbing issue" in the archives), the static doesn't actually seem to permeate in the air, it's only audible when listening to the tapes...so that's interesting, it certainly makes the tapes themselves a lot weirder than they already were. They also mention...an encounter with a woman? It's very vague but...they had an encounter with someone in trouble, and weren't able to help her. For now it's a pretty wide open mystery that I'm sure'll get expanded on in Season 3, but...it's interesting. Anyways, Martin is still trying to maintain as much optimism as he can in their dire situations, but Tim...not so much. He's accepted the cold and harsh reality that...this life, this constant chase of worms and corridors...it's theirs now, and they have to keep on going until they die. ...Yikes man. It's...a shame to see a guy who was once such a ray of sunshine in the archives turn so cold, but...I guess it's realistic. ...Reality hurts though. Regardless, Martin goes into the archives to check if Jon's alive and well...and is instead greeted by something that is neither Jon, nor alive, nor well. So...not only is Elias framing him in the first place pretty bad...but now we have Martin and Tim fully convinced that he did it too. Even though they're entirely out of the loop, they don't know who that disfigured old corpse is, they don't know anything about the library or ✨the horrors✨, they STILL don't know about what happened to Sasha...their faith in Jon has sunk so low that they have no choice to believe he's now a murderer. And while Tim being unsurprised is already hurtful...the season ending on Martin, the one person who has been desperately trying to keep his faith in Jon sustained all season, asking..."what have you done?" in a shaky and sad voice....AAAAAAAUUUUUUUGGGGGHHHH YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME YOU SON OF A BITCH!!! And...that's it. We end there, the credits give Basira the wrong surname for some reason...and we're done. ...paypal.com/ifuckingfeelreallybadforjurgenleitner.
So...that's a wrap on The Librarian...and Season 2 of The Magnus Archives as we know it. Overall...I mean where to begin? This season...has been absolutely phenomenal from start to finish, this whole last quarter of episodes especially. I already adored Season 1 with all my heart, and still do, but this...like, I was expecting an increase in quality, but...I WAS NOT PREPARED FOR THIS MUCH. The statements at large were even more creative, memorable and high quality than those of Season 1, the greater interconnected narrative was even more engaging, the cast of character was even more lovable and endearing, there were so many more great dramatic moments, the supplementals added so so much value to every episode, the ways they experimented with the formula in episodes like the Gertrude tapes was great, the general editing and sound quality was even more impressive, the way that everything has started to connect and make more sense has been nothing short of extremely satisfying, and...Michael. Just...what a masterpiece. And as for this finale specifically...holy shit. A really engaging and gripping main story with the tale of Leitner's library, so many interesting plot reveals in regards to the tunnels, Gertrude, Elias, The Distortion, and ESPECIALLY ✨the horrors✨ at large...and an ending so shocking and earth-shattering that I still don't feel like I'm capable of properly describing it. I am...even more excited for Season 3 than I was before, which I didn't even know was possible. I felt like I had a good enough idea as to where Season 2 might lead after I finished Season 1...but here? It could go in...so many different directions, but I have no doubt that they'll manage to pull it off. Just...what a triumph. I...was going to write a whole list of questions I want to see answered here like I did at the end of Season 1...but we'd be here all day if I did that. And of course, thank you so, so, so so so so so so so so so much for reading this. I say it every time, but it means so much more to me than you could possibly imagine, and...given how each post just seems to get longer and longer (I REALLY HOPE THAT THE NEXT ONE ENDS UP A BIT SHORTER THOUGH), that appreciation gets bigger and bigger each time someone reads through one of these. But...if it's alright, I might just have you wait a little bit longer for that word count I promised. Because...you know how I promised a teensy little bonus at the end of my previous post? Well...while I'm kind of regretting making that promise due to how long this ended up being...I refuse to go back on my word. So...if you may...
Supplemental: Ok, just a couple of quick things I need to get out. Firstly, while I'm not going to make an entirely new list of ✨the horrors✨ , since...truth be told this episode didn't change much in terms of how I categorize them, I did want to just list off the ones that have...somewhat official names, like...the ones that without a shadow of a doubt, DEFINITELY exist. So, we have The Eye and The Spiral fully confirmed, and then all signs point to The Stranger, The End and The Lightless Flame being ones as well, and then...most likely The Vast and The Flesh Hive too. I have some...less official names myself for other, more speculative members of the pantheon, but these seven...I feel almost 100% confident in. As for my second thing, I just wanted to say that while I was doing some spelling and grammar check (I am well aware I have left some incorrect spellings of Michael in there, but I refuse to edit all 10 trillion mentions of his name for obvious reasons), I listened to both parts of the Season 2 Q&A! Once again, it was very fun, Jonny and Alex continue to have a lot of charm in casual conversation. I really loved hearing about how they cast VAs, how they do their research when making episodes about certain jobs or places or bits of history and culture, what it was like working with Jonny's parents, what some of their favorite episodes and parts of the series have been (Alex loves Michael HELL YEAH), some little tidbits on what to expect from Season 3 were very nice too, and of course...the prospect of a 2-hour Christmas special. I'd better be seeing Tim with a reindeer headband come December. I was a little disappointed to learn that Michael would never love me...but...whatever. Anyways, that's all, onto my...weird 1 AM brain rot idea.
- BONUS, I...don't know what to call this 🤷
OK. So...hear me out for a second. I was just awake in the middle of the night thinking about..stuff, I guess, when a thought came to me. Every season of tma has the same number of episodes, right? So...what if, at the end of Season 2, I pitted the episodes from each season against each other, and tallied up an overall score? Why? Uh...I don't know, I guess I just...thought it'd be cool? Keep in mind that this isn't like...genuine critique of all 80 episodes meant to be taken seriously, I generally find that comparison on its own is a bad way to do unbiased critique, at least for me, and like to judge something on what it is individually, for the most part at least. This is just a fun little excuse to do a series of quickfire retrospectives on all of the episodes so far, and sort of just...reminisce, since it's been a while since I listened to a lot of these. Plus,....I don't know, I just like ranking and organizing things, it makes me feel at peace for some reason? And who knows? Maybe I'll do this again if people are up for it, whether that be at the end of every season, once I get to MAG 160 and pit the Season 3 and Season 4 episodes against each other, or at the end of the entire story, where I pit the first half against the latter half. And of course, all of this is just my opinion, so if you think A Sturdy Lock clears Burning Desire by a landslide, that's totally cool! Anyways, uh...on to the competition!
Anglerfish 🚬 Vs. Too Deep ⬇️
Both of these are great starts to their respective seasons that set the tone especially well...but even though Too Deep has deeper lore and great insight into Jon's psyche...I'm sorry, Anglerfish is just way too iconic. It's creepy, but doesn't peak in creepiness too early in the series. The Anglerfish luring its victims away is fantastic symbolism for what both Jon and the listener are about to go through, and the way it's returned throughout the story so far has been excellently executed, and I like how its mysteries are being carried across multiple seasons, as opposed to Too Deep which is...mostly related to stuff that gets resolved later in Season 2. Still, both are great! (That goes for every comparison by the way, I love all of these episodes.)
2. Do Not Open ⚰️ Vs. Grifter's Bone 🎹
Ooooooooh...this one is tricky for me. I...could honestly give these two a tie if I wanted, but...I think I'll give the slight edge to Do Not Open, simply because it's the first episode in the entire series that REALLY hooked me. Still though...they're pretty tied when you take away the nostalgia aspect.
3. Across the Street 📓 Vs. Section 31 🚔
As much as I do truly love Basira and everything surrounding her, and as grateful as I am to this episode for introducing her...eh, it's not a big standout for me. I like a good few of the episodes that are multiple stories in one, but...while it's cool how these ones connect to others, I'm not...huge on them as individual tales. As for MAG 3, while I wasn't wowed by it at first...man, everything surrounding The NotThem in Season 2 has REALLY pushed it into higher esteem for me, now that I know what exactly its purpose was. Like...It's REALLY good.
4. Pagerturner 📕 Vs. Tightrope 🎪
I've said it before, but...I'm not huge on Pageturner. As a part of the overarching plot, it works perfectly fine, great even...I just think it's a bit too complicated and confusing for the fourth episode. I'm glad that Leitners get involved early on, but....eh, it's just a bit too much information to start off with for me, and since most people probably won't be that big into theorizing right out the gate...I don't think it works as well as the later lore-heavy episodes with a ton of connections, because by that point, the listener is more likely to be in really deep. Even though I understand what was going on in the episode a lot better nowadays...I'm still not big on it, but maybe that'll change on relisten. As for Tightrope...it's not the most incredible episode ever or anything, but it's good! It's creepy, and I like the involvement of The Other Circus and the great introduction to Gertrude!
5. Thrown Away 🗑 Vs. Blood Bag 💉
Honestly these two are...also pretty close in terms of how much I like them, but...I might have to give the edge to Thrown Away? I mean...they're very interchangeable, but this one just sticks out in my head a little bit more than Blood Bag. I...don't really know why, I mean, a lot of the early episodes do stick out in my head more because of their iconic status, but uh...yeah, this one wins because my brain is weird.
6. Squirm 🪱 Vs. Literary Heights ⛈
Ooooooooh...I really hate to do it to Squirm, but...I think Literary Heights wins. Squirm is excellent, it's such a weird and disgusting story, it stands out as the only episode of tma with like...any notable sexual content, and it obviously introduces us to my beloved Jane. But...Literar Heights just hits different. Jon's voice in this one, the first proper appearance of Mike, the way that it brings back Ex Altiora and recontextualizes a lot of stuff...yeah, what can I say, I just really love this one.
7. The Piper 🔫 Vs. The New Door 🚪
I mean...The Piper's really good and all, it has a very unique and creepy atmosphere and a very cool incorporation of real world history, but...The New Door has Michael, so...pretty easy one for me.
8. Burned Out 🌳 Vs. Lost in the Crowd 🧳
Ugh...another one that really hurts! I...have a lot of respect for Lost in the Crowd, simply because that scene in the crowd itself is...absolutely haunting to me, and we get to see Gerard just chilling on vacation and it's absolutely hilarious. But...to be honest, I am just way too invested in Hill Top Road to not give this one to Burned Out, plus, I think it's really cool how the events of this one have come back throughout the story, whereas Lost in the Crowd is a lot more standalone. Not inherently a bad thing whatsoever, but I do prefer it when episodes have bigger connections.
9. A Father's Love💡 Vs. The Butcher's Window 💪
The Butcher's Window is overall fantastic, it has a loveably shitty protagonist, a great use of body horror, and it's really cool to see The Boneturner return...but it doesn't hold a candle to A Father's Love for me. This is still one of the most depressing and tragic episodes in the entire podcast for me, just a really sad look at childhood trauma and the effects of cults, and just...god, it's so beautifully painful. Also, on a less serious note, I'm infatuated with The Divine Host, so...yeah.
10. Vampire Killer 🧛🏻 Vs. Foundations 🏛
Yeah...Vampire Killer wins here. Foundations is pretty good all things considered, I like the old-timey vibe, and the insight it gives into Jonah Magnus and Robert Smirke is pretty cool...but I don't know, Vampire Killer is an example of the...multiple stories statements being done really well, and Trevor Herbert remains as one of my favorite statement givers to this day.
11. Dreamer 💭 Vs. High Pressure 🤿
High Pressure is pretty cool and all, I think it experiments with its concept in great ways, is decently scary and has a fun inclusion from Simon Fairchild. But man...Dreamer just hits different to this day. I think it was the first episode that made me realize...just how seriously I should be taking the podcast, its framing device is unlike no other, and the suspicion it causes is really cool, especially in regards to Gertrude's death and the identity of "Antonio Blake."
12. First Aid 🏥 Vs. Exceptional Risk 🚰
Look...part of me probably SHOULD give the point to First Aid. It's the first episode that brings back a recurring character in a noticeable and prominent role, and one of the first big clues towards understanding ✨the horrors✨. But...I can't help it, I'm just way too invested in that Montauk family drama. Plus, I'm a sucker for the Season 2 episodes that feel like direct sequels to Season 1 episodes...most of the time anyways, so that also gives it a bit of an edge.
13. Alone 🌫 Vs. Crusader 📜
Uuuuuuuuggghhhhh...I hate to do it to Alone. Look...MAG 13 is still an episode I absolutely love, it stands out for including the first voice that isn't Jon, it has some really cool and creepy imagery, and Naomi's story is very sad. But like...Crusader just has...SO much going for it. Walter Heller is brilliantly performed for a one-off character, the whole story is very intriguing lore-wise, and the way it sets up so many details regarding Gertrude and the institute...like, this one wins for me by simply being THAT important.
14. Piecemeal👆Vs. Still Life 🐅
Piecemeal is...really good and really freaky, the whole concept is absolutely brutal and I love how it works as a lesson in patience. That being said...I just really love Still Life. It sets up so much regarding The Stranger, (like, I was STUNNED by how much it brought together when I first listened to it), has an amazing atmosphere with the taxidermy shop, reveals some REALLY cool information regarding The Anglerfish, and also has an unknowingly autistic protagonist who simply leaves because "well, they weren't committing tax fraud!" So yeah, peak fiction.
15. Lost Johns' Cave 🕯 Vs. Pest Control 🐜
Ok...this one's probably going to be controversial. Is Lost Johns' Cave good? Yeah of course! I was absolutely shook to my core when I first heard it...but nowadays not so much. I don't know, I think it's probably because there are many other statements that have gotten to me more, but honestly...I don't really get why people find it THAT scary. It's up there sure, but...eh, maybe if I had a sibling, went caving or was more claustrophobic, I'd have a different opinion. As for why I prefer Pest Control...yeah it's because of Jane. She's not even really in this episode, but...I just find The Flesh Hive really interesting, and the way the episode uses Arthur Nolan is also a major benefit to me. I can absolutely see why Lost Johns' Cave is a fan favorite...but I just vibe with the bugs a bit too much.
16. Arachnophobia 🕷 Vs. Children of the Night 🛏
Huh...both spider episodes. Anyways, I don't have too much to say that I haven't already. I like Children of the Night just fine, but I do have some minor gripes with it that kind of hold me back from truly loving it. I think those gripes will fade over time, but even then...it's hard to compete with the GHOST SPIDER episode. Like. It's just absolutely iconic. I will never get over Jon still proclaiming the statement bullshit after hearing Mr. Vittery was wrapped in web upon death. WHY WAS HE LIKE THIS?!
17. The Boneturner's Tale 🦴 Vs. Personal Space 🔒
The Boneturner's Tale is great and all, I really remember it for being another early example of things getting connected, and for being Elias' introduction...dear god Elias, but...it unfortunately can't compare to what is still the single most terrifying episode so far to me. If it can fuck me up THAT bad...I think Personal Space deserves the win.
18. The Man Upstairs 🥩 Vs. Trail Rations🍴
It's still kind of funny to me that these episodes just...happen to be connected. Anyways, as you know I'm not...super huge on either of these episodes, but Trail Rations does get an edge for having a very unique framing device, a more compelling villain, more interesting paranormal stuff, and some more intrigue surrounding Jonah Magnus. ...Not much more to add.
19. Confession ✝️ Vs. Recluse 🍏
Yet another pair of episodes that are oddly connected! Both of them are fantastic...but I do think I'll give the edge to Recluse. Confession has some really haunting religious imagery, although it's done better in its second part, and I do adore how it ties back to the events of Burned Out...but I mean, Recluse is just SUPER good. The way it flips around the initial impression of Raymond and Agnes, all of the super cool plot reveals it gives, the generally very novel concept, the LORE...yeah, I definitely prefer it. It also helps that it's...like, a complete statement, although I don't want to judge the Father Burroughs duology too hard simply for its unique structure.
20. Desecrated Host ✝️ Vs. The Observer Effect 🪞
And on the flipside...Desecrated Host wins here! The Observer Effect is still great, the raw fear emanated by the protagonist, the insight it gives into the institute and The Eye, and my own personal connections to it give it a special place in my heart. But...Desecrated Host is just THAT haunting. It's another one of the earliest examples of those "what the fuck" episodes, and still stands tall as one of the best in that regard. The religious imagery, the ending, the raw insanity that ensues from...what is in retrospect, probably all of ✨the horrors✨ mingling together for...some weird reason...it's just amazing.
21. Freefall 🪂 Vs. Hard Shoulder 🚐
Ok....I hate to do it to the episode that gave us "enjoy sky blue" and "the sky ate him"...but I do actually prefer Hard Shoulder. There really isn't anything...wrong with Freefall, I think it's a scary and emotional story and the episode as a whole has a really shocking ending...I just prefer Hard Shoulder. Daisy is a really interesting character in this one, and I mean...come on, finally getting the coffin back after all that time is WAY too satisfying.
22. Colony 🔦 Vs. First Edition 📃
First Edition is absolutely brilliant. Mary is an absolutely terrifying character, her backstory is grim and enticing, and the amount of lore it brings...I mean, wow. But...I don't know, Colony introduces us to Martin, brings Jane back, and is the episode that finally, truly gives tma an ongoing story. It...very clearly deserves the win here in my opinion.
23. Schwartzwald 🇩🇪 Vs. The End of the Tunnel 📹
Another example of two episodes I'm not all that huge on...but End of the Tunnel is the clear winner for me here. In retrospect...I'm not all that big on Schwartzwald to be honest. I still think it has a cool setting and a fun classic horror vibe, but otherwise...meh, it's pretty much the only episode of tma that drags for me, and the novelty of a letter to Jonah kind of wore off after Foundations. The End of the Tunnel...it's nothing crazy, but it's effective, pretty scary, has a canonically queer protagonist, maybe some Divine Host involvement, and Melanie shows up at the end. ...That's pretty good overall.
24. Strange Music🪆Vs. Burial Rites 💀
This one's pretty easy for me. Burial Rites certainly has a lot of merits, from the shitty protagonist to the return of the reapers...but I just prefer Strange Music. I don't know, it's not...that much of a difference in terms of how much I like them from the lense of logic...the former just sticks out to me more for whatever reason. What can I say, I think the calliope and the dolls are pretty cool, and I like the way it comes back around in Tightrope a lot.
25. Growing Dark ⛪️ Vs. Binary 💻
Look...Growing Dark is a fantastic episode. It does an even deeper dive into the effects of cults than what A Father's Love did, has a great and compelling cast of characters, and is just really intriguing and compelling all around. But...I'm eating my computer crunch crunch crunch keyboard keys for breakfast dinner and lunch you see the red drip from my lips I call this snack computer chips woa-oah and I'm chewing up bits of the screen but it's glass so it's cutting into my throat as I swallow the mass of crystal and the blood continues to fall I won't leave until you watch it all-
26. A Distortion ☕️ Vs. Held in Customs 📦
Yeah, the box is cool and freaky and all, and I like the Salesa-Lukas business collab...but expecting me to rank it above a statement from Sasha which details her encounter with both Michael and the worms would be the stupidest thing you could do right now.
27. A Sturdy Lock 🔑 Vs. Burning Desire ❤️‍🔥
...This is quite literally one of my least favorite episodes up against what might just be my absolute favorite. Ok, look, I can appreciate A Sturdy Lock for what it is, I think it's pretty scary and has good themes. In fact...the more I think about said themes, alongside the prominent presence of a door...it might even have some Micheal involvement for all I know, which would definitely boost my opinion of it very high up. But even then...I don't think it could compete with something as beautiful, tragic, and heart/face-warming as Burning Desire.
28. Skintight 📸 Vs. The Tale of a Field Hospital 🪰
Agh...I HATE TO PIT THESE TWO AGAINST EACH OTHER AS WELL!!! I really do like The Tale of a Field Hospital, I think it's one of the most unique episodes in the entire series when it comes to the premise and framing device, and just has...such a lovable loser of a protagonist. But...I think Skintight still wins for me. Melanie is just a really great character, the whole idea behind it is super charming, and the way I freaked out when The Anglerfish came back...I'll never forget that.
29. Cheating Death 🎲 Vs. Thought for the Day 🧠
Oooooooooh...this is a very interesting one. I've had...very interesting experiences with both of these episodes to say the least, but...I think I'll give the point to Thought for the Day. Cheating Death is phenomenal, it has such a cool location, and I will never forget the way it absolutely blindsided me by the time it was over. But...Thought for the Day gets the slight edge, not only because I'm REALLY fond of the whole psych experiment idea and the spiders...but also because if it weren't for this episode, I would have never gotten to experience the joy and pain of my simulation theory rabbit hole, and unlike Cheating Death, that experience is still greatly affecting me to this day. So...win for the funny number.
30. Killing Floor 🍖 Vs. Book of the Dead 🧵
Ok, so...I think Killing Floor is a pretty clear favorite here for me. Book of the Dead is...pretty good all things considered, it has a decently freaky premise and I really like the open-endedness it brings, I just don't like it as much as Killing Floor. But like...while I'm not surprised to see it win, I am surprised that in retrospect, I like Killing Floor as much as I do. Like...I don't know, something about the idea of a creepy never-ending abattoir that you can't exit until you accept that humans and animals are all just meat in the end...that's just really cool and interesting to me for some reason, and I really like how it's implied that freaky stuff is STILL happening there at the end. So uh...yeah.
31. First Hunt 🦌 Vs. Underground 🚉
First Hunt is a pretty damn good episode all things considered. I mean, anything that perfectly represents the horrors of the Appalachian trail and has a somewhat homo-romantic story about two tragic hunters is pretty cool in my book. But like…I think it’s pretty hard to reach the level of iconic possessed by Karolina Górka, so….yeah, there’s a clear winner here for me.
32. Hive 🐝 Vs. Takeaway 🥓
Yeah…this one’s obvious if you know me. Takeaway’s good and all, I like the creepy abandoned restaurant as a setting, all of the religious dismemberment is pretty cool, Tom Haan is a scary antagonist…but it doesn’t even come close to the raw, poetic horror of Jane’s psyche that we get in Hive.
33. Boatswain’s Call ⛴️ Vs. Police Lights ⚫️
Yeah, I mean…I guess I like Boatswain’s Call a good amount, The Tundra is a nice setting and I’m very intrigued by The Lukas Family…but I mean, come on. A story about Section 31 going against The Divine Host, ending a big bang for…at least parts of their respective story arcs? That’s pretty hard to beat.
34. Anatomy Class 🍎 Vs. Fatigue 💤
Hm…this one is interesting. Both of these episodes are among some of the most unique and memorable fan favorites I’ve listened to, and both for very good reason, they’re amazing. But…I’m going to give the edge to Anatomy Class. Fatigue has…so, SO many amazing elements that I absolutely love, from poetic and haunting dialogue to the mere presence of Michael…but, most of its great elements can still be found in at least one other episode. Anatomy Class on the other hand? I mean…that’s just one of a kind. I have yet to have anything like it since listening to it, so…yeah, I think it just barely wins for me.
35. Old Passages 🔨 Vs. A Long Way Down🪜
Ok, look…A Long Way Down is great. Ladders, Paris, Mike, toxic sibling relationships, all great elements that are used to great effect. But let me remind you that if not for Old Passages…a lot of my theories would’ve never come to pass. Not the majority…but a lot. So…yeah, it wins. Also it has teenage MCR fan Gerard so that’s a plus.
36. Taken Ill ✋ Vs. The Smell of Blood 🚃
I’m…honestly kind of surprised to say it, but…I think Taken Ill wins here. Like…it shouldn’t, but for some reason…it does. The Smell of Blood is phenomenal, it’s such a creepy episode and a great continuation of Melanie’s character, but like…I don’t know. Taken Ill just…really stands out to me. The way it slowly builds up to its climax, the general concept of an elderly home being overrun by Amherst’s horrible disease, Trevor’s appearance at the end, and the absolutely bone-chilling mental image of the place burning down with everyone inside, as well as Nicole cutting off her hand…it just sticks with me in a really special way.
37. Burnt Offering 🍼 Vs. The Kind Mother ❌
Burnt Offering still stands out to me as one of the best examples of a really short, yet really good episode, as well as one of the most…non-stop painful sounding ones with all of the heat and fire. But, I do think I have to give the edge to The Kind Mother, since it’s carried by its extremely creative use of The NotThem, Gertrude’s inclusion, and the way it furthers the plot.
38. Lost and Found🏺Vs. Distant Cousin 🪓
Look…admittedly…I do prefer the statement itself in Lost and Found, it’s a lot more memorable to me for…pretty obvious reasons. But…not only does Distant Cousin still have a great statement regardless, but…that ending scene really does carry it hard for me. It…kind of feels wrong, but…my vote goes to the latter.
39. Infestation🧯 Vs. Hide and Seek 🫥
Ok, so…both of these are great, but I do think Infestation did it slightly better. Hide and Seek is phenomenal in its own right, I love all of the scenes with Martin and Tim, Micheal’s inclusion is great, and I mean…the whole chase sequence with Jon and The NotThem is in a league of its own. However…I don’t know, I think I still prefer Infestation. It just has a bit more going on in terms of character, and amongst all of the chaos, there’s a lot more great development, tender moments, and fantastic comedic relief from Tim. Also…not to mention Sasha’s death, like…wow. So yeah, both great…but I do still slightly prefer Infestation.
40. Human Remains 🩹 Vs. The Librarian 📚
Ok…look…I’ve had some time to let the recency bias settle…but even then, The Librarian clears. Human Remains does everything it needs to. It wraps Season 1 up nicely, it has some great character moments, and gives big reveals in the forms of Gertrude’s body and Not!Sasha…but at the end of the day, it’s main purpose is to nicely transition into Season 2. The Librarian…I did just talk about it, so I won’t go into too much detail, but…it basically achieves all of that and more, not only setting up next season, but…setting up everything to come, shaking the very foundation of the story. Basically, both are endings to story arcs…but The Librarian feels like it’s also the beginning of 10 new ones, so because of that…it wins.
And with that...I'm finally done. Every episode of Seasons 1 and 2 of The Magnus Archives pitted against each other. And the results are...an exact tie. Like...I didn't plan this out to be corny and all like "oh, there's no need to fight, they're equal :)" or anything...it literally just ended up like that. Granted though...I once again need to emphasize that this is not fully emulative of my actual opinions. Like I said, it's just a fun thought experiment I'm doing in order to reminisce on older episodes, and I don't think comparing episodes like this, especially in a way where I'm pitting against episodes with completely different narrative purposes 95% of the time, is a good way to do critique. It's just a fun idea of mine, and at the end of the day, I'm still pretty confident that I like Season 2 a bit more than Season 1 when you compare them as a whole. Well uh...once again, thank you a bajillion times for reading this all! And as promised, the word count for this entire post is....84.482. Congratulations, you just unknowingly consumed what is technically considered to be the length of your average adult novel :). ...What's that? Am I flexing underneath the guise of being humble? ....Ok yeah maybe a little bit, but CAN YOU LET ME HAVE THIS?! I'VE BEEN WRITING THIS THING FOR FIVE FUCKING WEEKS AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE, AND HAVE SPENT THE PAST THREE HOURS TYPING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT NON-STOP IN THE HOPES OF GETTING THIS BLASTED THING OUT BY SUNDAY!!! ....Ok but in all seriousness, you genuinely rock if you've read this much sleep-deprived neurodivergent rambling about the funny pipe murder podcast. Like, all I have to do is info-dump on social media, reading that is a whole other skill that you should be very proud of. And even if it sounds like I'm getting super tired of writing this at times...believe me when I say I wouldn't trade doing this for the world. Life can get...pretty slow and lonely for me at times, but being able to write about my passions like this, and being able to get some really kind responses and feedback from people...it means everything. Well...I'm finally done. I'll see you around next time for the first 10 episodes of Season 3. I'm probably going to take a brief break from listening to tma in order to just finish up some other stuff and work a bit harder for school, but uh...I hope to see you again soon! And hopefully...the eighth post won't be quite as long as this one. Bye! :)
Supplemental: POV you are Jurgen Leitner
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thewordypeach · 1 year
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Milk
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Milk (Cream)
pairing: Joel Miller x fem!reader word count: 3.3k warnings: 18+, NSFW!!!!, smut! smut! smut!, no use of y/n, unprotected p in v = creampie, fingering, slight orgasm count, oral fixation??, titty sucking (lactation kink), fingering, implied breeding kink?!? summary: Joel doesn’t have to worry about getting you pregnant because the damage is already done. author's note: i should be studying for my finals next week but joel miller sucking titties is obviously more important, and i just couldn't help myself! i just had to write it!!! the result? it's hot. maybe too hot - can you handle it? i know i couldn't. xoxo the wordy peach <3
“Only nine weeks left!” Ellie says excitedly, peering at your protruding stomach with wide eyes of wonderment. She can’t wait to meet her little sister or brother, and each week since announcing your pregnancy, Ellie crosses off a week in her little calendar. 
Fondly, you smile at her. She’s been your saving grace during this pregnancy - distracting you with every question possible. She even managed to get it out of you when you and Joel convinced the damn thing (“It was that night at the stables, wasn’t it?”)
“Nine weeks,” She repeats with a confident nod; she glances at you, a single eyebrow raised, “Have you looked at the list of names I gave you?”
You let out a chuckle, nodding, “Yes, Ellie - I look at it every night,”
Her eyes widen, “Every night?”
“Every damn night,” Joel grumbles as he walks into the room. He’s exhausted from the extra shifts he’s been putting in because he wants time off for the baby. With tired, bleary eyes, Joel looks at Ellie, “Shouldn’t you be at school?”
She glares at him, points directly at your belly, and speaks with conviction, “Well, technically, I am in health class, and if I have to learn about procreation, Joel, I want her to teach me,"
Exasperated, Joel sighs. He shakes his head with frustration, and briefly, you can see the hint of annoyance on his tired face. He looks at Ellie with his eyebrows knitted together - she knows better than to argue with him. She purses her lips into a thin line and begins gathering school supplies. Ellie ignores Joel and starts idly chatting about her day and her plans.
She’s looking forward to the new reading assignment and asking if you’ll help her later with something. You rub your belly and nod, “Of course, Ellie - you know where I’ll be,”
A flicker of concern mixed with panic crosses her face. She glances at you; you know she’s asking if you’ll really be here when she returns. Ellie confirms, a slight wavering in her voice, “You’ll be here, right?” 
You feel a pang of empathy for her. The world you live in is uncertain - even here, in Jackson, there’s no guarantee of safety. You understand her fear, and reassuringly, you tell her, “Yes, Ellie - I’ll be home all day,”
She nods, and her shoulder’s visibly relax at your confirmation. But before leaving, Ellie just has to turn to Joel and says, “She isn’t feeling good today, so don’t be a dick - or else I will know, and you’ll have to deal with me,” 
As Joel sips his water, Ellie shoots him a stern look. Despite what your partner likes to think, you both know Ellie is in charge. Her gaze holds a silent warning, and you stifle a chuckle, watching as she finally leaves the house. Once the door is closed, silence falls between you and Joel. It’s tense; his eyes penetrate you, noting your skin's paleness and its sickly sheen of sweat. Usually you’re glowing -
“What’s wrong?” Joel asks in that demanding tone of his. 
You sigh, shaking your head, “It’s nothing,”
“Babe,” Joel warns, and you hear him shuffling over before the chair next to you pulls out, and he’s sitting there. He places a hand on your thigh and repeats his question more gently this time. 
“I’m…” You think about the right words, carefully selecting them, “Uncomfortable,”
Confessing this to your partner is almost embarrassing. Maybe it’s his rough exterior that makes you feel like this. Joel, who is waiting patiently, peers at you. His eyes soften, and he looks at you with such tenderness. You’ve been missing these moments because he’s never home anymore. 
He presses, “C’mon, darlin'… tell me what’s wrong,”
Your cheeks flush pink, and after a minute or two, you admit: “My boobs hurt,”
Joel gives you an incredulous look, and his cheeks blush too. His gaze turns to your breasts - even he can’t deny how much they’ve grown in the past few weeks. Joel knows they’re swollen with milk for the incoming baby, but he doesn’t understand how uncomfortable you are. He probably never will because, biologically, he’s a man.
He watches as you reach up, adjusting your tits, groaning out a slew of complaints: “My nipples are so fucking sensitive and hard all the goddamn time! I feel like I’m in that stupid Austin Power movie with the fembots and their machine gun titties,” Joel knows the movie you are referring to, and he can’t help but chuckle and hearing this makes your eyes narrow at him. 
“Are you seriously fucking laughing at me, Joel?” Your voice is emotional, and you attempt to stand, but it’s useless. Your stupid round belly makes it impossible to do anything, and sadness floods your hormonal body. You whine, “I am so fat -”
Joel shakes his head, watching as your face goes through several emotions simultaneously. There’s not much he can do, but he does reassure you that you are not fat - “You are pregnant,”
“Yeah, and whose fault is that?” You grumble, arms crossing over your chest. You wince because you’re nipples feel like they’re on fire, and you feel like they’re about to burst at any second. You wiggle uncomfortably and pout at Joel. He’s thinking of ways to help and can only think of a single thing that might help but is hesitant about bringing it up. 
“What if…” He trails off, swallowing the dry lump growing in his throat, “What if I help… relieve some of that pressure?” 
Your eyebrows furrow together, confused. “How?” 
“Umm,” He glances around. He knows it’s just the two of you, but he wants to make sure because he’s about to suggest something crazy. His voice drops an octave, suggesting, “I can milk you,”
Your jaw slacks, and you hiss, “Like a cow?”
“N-no!” Joel sputters, hands waving aimlessly around, but it dawns on him it’s exactly like that, and sheepishly, he says: “Okay, yeah… it might be similar to that,” 
“Joel,” Your voice wavers, hot tears swell in your eyes. You feel stupid! And your emotions won’t stop. You know he’s just trying to help, but dammit! Joel just called you a cow - “I can’t believe you think I’m a cow,” 
Joel gives you an apologetic look. He’s sympathetic to your situation; he knows you don’t mean to be this hormonal, and he knows it’s his child doing this to you. He places a hand on your belly and gently rubs the fabric of his stretched-out shirt (the only one that fits!). He leans over, “Darlin’… you’re not a cow. You’re growing a baby. And I think, from what I read, that your milk ducts need to be expressed,”
“What does that mean? Expressed? Are you going to suck the milk out, Joel?” 
Joel's cheeks redden, and the sultry tone in your voice surprises him. He thinks he has imagined it, but then, Joel sees how your eyes darken into a lustful frequency. He reads your message loud and clear. 
Without hesitation, Joel captures your jaw between his rough fingers and kisses you. It’s sweet. Gentle. Exactly what you need to forget your frustration with him. But of course, you want more. You deepen the kiss, swiping your tongue across Joel’s lower lip and dipping your tongue into his mouth. Ever so slightly, he groans. He loves it when your forward. 
You’re leaning over, as far as you can with your belly, and place your hands onto Joel’s jean-clad thighs. You must hold onto something for balance because your stupid belly messes with your center of gravity. You have yet to get used to it. You’re trying to climb into Joel’s lap, but it’s useless. You’re struggling to lift your body into his, and you pull back, huffing in frustration. 
“This stupid belly!” You mutter while rubbing it. Joel finds your annoyance cute, and despite his best effort, Joel’s cock is already stirring inside his pants. It’s been a while since you two had sex, and today is the day that he’s going to fuck you after weeks of hiatus. 
“Babe, it’s not stupid,” Joel coos and helps you stand. Your belly knocks into his, and it makes him smile. His teeth flash, and the skin by his eyes crinkles with delight. He can’t believe he’s going to be a father again. He can’t wait to meet his little one. But, for now, Joel must give you some relief because it is his fault that you’re in this position. He’s the one who kept pumping his seed into your womb. 
Joel knew the consequences of not using a condom, and here he is - reaping what he sowed. He begins leading you to the bedroom, insisting, “Let me take care of you,” 
“We shouldn’t - I have to meet Maria in an hour, and it’ll take me at least 45 minutes to waddle there,” 
Joel ignores you, pulling your body into the room and shutting the door swiftly behind you. He doesn’t need prying eyes on what he’s about to do. Joel starts by showering your jaw and neck with kisses, his fingers playing with the bottom hem of his shirt before tugging it off. He nearly gasps from seeing your breasts, practically spilling out of the tiny bra that once fit your tits so perfectly. 
You feel Joel devouring your body, noting how his hungry eyes stare at your chest. You mutter, “They’re massive, aren’t they?” 
“They’re perfect, babe,” Joel nods and wraps an arm around your body. With a single finger, he unlatches your bra, and your tits spring free as the garment falls to the ground. A groan of surprise escapes Joel’s throat, and his hard cock strains against his zipper. He marvels at your milky skin, strewn with veins and stretch marks. He reaches and cups them, his fingers ghosting over your nipples, which are a deeper colour than before. Even in these short weeks, your body has made changes he wasn’t even aware of. 
You hiss, “Joel,” but your eyes close because the relief of him holding your breasts has taken the strain off your back. He blows a soft gust at your left side and watches as your face twists into discomfort. 
“Shit, darlin’… are they really that sensitive?” 
You whimper, “Yeah - they’re that sensitive,” 
“If it hurts, tell me to stop,” Joel instructs before he lowers his mouth to your breast. He kisses the skin, and you melt beneath the attention. When Joel swipes his tongue across the rock-hard nipple, you bite back the yelp that threatens to come out and instead focus on how Joel gingerly kneads the pillowy flesh that drapes from your chest. He’s listening to you, waiting for you to tell him to stop. But you don’t. You’re bearing the torment he's putting you through because you know it will feel good at some point. And eventually, it does. 
It’s undeniable: Joel’s hands on your breasts feel amazing, and his warm mouth working on your right nipple is starting to create wetness between your thighs. As his fingers continue, you notice a new sensation in your breast that makes you squirm. At that moment, you feel a release as something emerges from your nipple and shoots into Joel’s mouth. You gasp and watch as he finally yields, pulling away from your body. You see the slightest evidence of white dew on his lower lip, and when you look down at your nipple, it's leaking with the same substance. You are shocked, unsure of what to do. 
“Does that feel better, darlin’?” Joel hums. Hastily, you nod and swallow dryly. It does feel better, but you need more relief. 
You gaze at Joel, eyelids cutely fluttering at him. You sheepishly ask, “What about the other side?” 
Joel just smiles and helps you onto the bed. He places two extra pillows behind your back, ensuring you’re comfy before he settles down. He raises his head again, latching his mouth onto your other breast. Once more, the feeling is overwhelming. Almost too much to bear. You grit through the discomfort, relenting to the sensation of Joel’s mouth and hand as he works. Soon enough, another squirt of hidden cream comes forth. 
It has you moaning this time, and you bask in the momentary relief. And instead of leaving your breast unattended, your hands thread through Joel’s dishevelled hair, and you keep him there. Breathlessly, you demand, “Don’t stop,” He listens and continues to work your breasts until your moans are frantic and your thighs continuously flex. Your arousal has grown to great heights, and an aching desire radiates in your core for the first time in a long time. 
You reach down, fingers dipping into your sweatpants - again, it’s the only thing that fits - and notice how soaked your panties are. Of course, these days, it's a common occurrence. Pregnancy has your body changing in ways you didn’t even consider. Some of them are shocking, and some of them are annoying. Since the first trimester, the idea of sex repulses you. And it made you feel guilty because you live to please Joel. But your lovely partner doesn’t mind; he’s just been taking longer showers, which has been pissing Ellie off because there’s often no hot water left for her - 
Joel notices your hand sliding into your pants and wants some of that action too. He takes one hand and places it on top of yours. Sharply, you inhale. You love how Joel is guiding your hand to his will. With his skillful touch, it doesn’t take long to reach the peak, turning you into a groaning mess as waves of pleasure swell and roll across your body. You notice how your belly quivers with delight too.
As you descend from the peak, you let Joel go. He lifts his head and wipes his milk-laced mouth before kissing you on the lips. You taste yourself. It’s sweet and creamy, reminding you of something you can’t quite place. As Joel’s tongue explores your mouth, you relish the feeling because it’s been too long. You missed his passion, and you missed him ravishing your body. 
“Joel, I need you,” You whine through kisses as your hands wander up and down his back, attempting to undress him. He moves, and his shirt and pants are on the ground within seconds. With no underwear in sight, your eyes lock onto his dick, hanging freely. The presence of it never fails to make you drool. 
Despite his quick movements to undress, Joel takes a slower approach with you and leisurely removes your sweatpants. His hands work with delicate precision, especially when he’s around your stomach. It’s incredibly frustrating for you, and you’re huffing in annoyance. It’s never been like this before. He’s always so rough, taking on a lusty savageness, and Joel would be inside by now. However, he’s still working off your panties. 
“Joel,” You whimper. Your body vibrates with anticipation, and you don’t know how much more you can take. You need his cock, and you don’t care if something goes wrong. Months of built-up horniness are making you reckless. You beg, “Please just fuck me already,” 
His eyes snap to yours. They’re dark with desire. As he places his body between your thighs, he murmurs, “I don’t want to hurt you or the baby,” Joel anticipates your reply - stupid belly - and hushes you before it can come out: “It’s not stupid - it’s love,”
“Love?” You whisper, confused. It’s not common, and Joel has only used it once. Morning sickness took over, and you were throwing up for weeks. Ellie and Joel thought you were dying. And, of course, for a little while, you believed them. It wasn’t until Maria asked when your last period did you clue in. And when you relayed that message to Joel, his grumpy face went unusually slack before joy took over. He swept you into his arms, kissed you, and said: 
“I love you,” He repeats while wrapping a hand around his cock, lowering it to your glistening, swollen exterior. Expertly, he glides the crown of his cock up and down, watching as your juices coat it. You moan because your pussy is so unbelievably sensitive that another climax is blooming in your core. Joel finds himself commenting: “Goddamn… Your cunt is soaking wet,”
You squirm, hips wiggling as you spread your thighs further apart. You hate begging for it, but your cunt yearns for fulfillment. “Please!”
Joel presses his big, round tip against your tight entrance. You bite your lower lip, eyes gazing down at the penetration point, but your belly is in the way. You can’t see what’s happening but don’t have to because you suddenly feel his cock pushing through. At first, your velvet channel is resistant, but that doesn’t deter Joel.
As your walls grip his cock, coating it in a creamy warmth, Joel tosses his head back and sighs with satisfaction. It’s been so long. His hand has nothing on your pussy. Joel delves his cock as deep as possible, and you can feel it practically bulging inside your stomach. And when Joel places his hands on either side of your protruding belly, your impending orgasm rips through.
“Mmm, cumming already,” Your pussy convulses and clenches as a powerful wave of immeasurable pleasure crashes. White, hot flashes across your vision, sweeping you into a moment of intensity. Joel admires as your body undulates beneath him, studying as your belly ripples. He knows the pregnancy is the reason for your quick orgasms, and he wonders how many he can get out before he cums. 
With a mission in mind, Joel lets you come back down before he starts to rock his hips back and forth. It doesn’t take long until you’re trembling with a third orgasm. You cry out, hands gripping the sheets below. You barely have time to catch your breath before Joel ups his pace, and he excitedly speers your pussy with youthful energy. 
Hypnotically, Joel watches as your tits bounce with each thrust, and soon enough, his fingers are back on them. He squeezes and kneads until the milk sprays out with a such force that it sprinkles across your chest and coats his hands. A feral growl escapes from your mouth, “Joel,” 
Your vision swirls, and your body shivers with ecstasy as a fourth orgasm rolls through. You gasp, sucking in as much air as you can. You look at Joel, marveling at his skin's sheer layer of sweat. He has a look of concentration on his face, and you know he must be close. You encourage him to cum, repeatedly. 
But before he can, a fifth and final climax hits your body. It has you swearing and calling Joel names, “You fucking bastard,” as your pussy floods and swells around his cock. By this point, there’s a growing puddle beneath your ass, and Joel’s cock is exploring your molten wetness with ease. His flesh claps against yours and echos across the room. His groans are uncontrollable now, and he screws his eyes shut, trying to hold back. 
The effort is futile, and he slams into your body, forgetting about being gentle. A stern look of arousal etches upon his face, and a deep, low guttural grunt spills from his lips. He doesn’t have a chance to warn you because his cock surges with a thick, plentiful rope of his cum, and floods your cunt with a warm stickiness. His hands are back and resting against your belly. Joel juts his hips forward, pushing a second load of cum deep into your cunt. He doesn’t have to worry about getting you pregnant because the damage is already done.
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Text
Are you staying? (Logan Sargeant)
Before the Miami GP, you fly over to spend some days with your boyfriend's family, and it turns out that you can charm more than one Sargeant
Note: english is not my first language. This is the first thing I've ever written for Logan and I'm excited and nervous to see how it goes! Nothing against other careers, but I'm a sucker for the stereotypical smart job and paired up with the friends to lovers trope, I made this! I hope it's good for my first piece for him! Also, I'm aware that Leo hasn't been in the paddock for what I can assume obvious safety reasons, but I thought of this and didn't want to leave it behind 🫣
Thank you so much to everyone who likes and reblogs, your feedback is appreciated 🤍 and I'm taking requests so if you have any ideas or concepts you want to share, feel free to do so as I'll try to get to them the best I can!
my masterlist
Cw: mentions a previous injury
Tag list: @myloverjk-blog @hiireadstuff @c-losur3
"Is this your list, babe?", Logan said as he opened the document on his iPad after you sent it to him, reading a checklist of all the things you needed to pack last minute after he said he wanted to help you.
"Yes - actually, can you help me with it, please?", you asked as you packed your usual medication, "I already have my meds in the little bag and my chargers too - you can check those off".
"Okay, done", he offered as he crossed them with the pen, "next, we have documents - passport, I'm the one with the tickets and they're in my phone as well, and Travel insurance? Since when do you do Travel insurance?", Logan wondered as you packed the documents into your bag.
"Since I'm going to motherland of paid healthcare - I don't usually get sick, but you never know! Just to my luck I could feel some pain and before I know it, I'll be knee deep into debt that no amount of working could help with! I'm just about keeping university fees covered, I can't have anymore on me", you offered as you looked at the camera. Even though the timezone was different, Logan still FaceTimed you, tucked in his bed while he saw the sunshine through the window behind you
"If it comes to that, which I hope it won't because I like you all in one piece, I would cover i-", Logan added as you shook your head.
"Let's all hope that I go and come back with pristine health and that this was just me being my forewarned self", you smiled and crossed your fingers, "what's next?", you wondered as you walked around your bedroom, looking for anything that could stand out.
You met Logan, out of all places, in the pool you had been swimming in your whole life. You never wanted to compete - for you, swimming was a way to forget about the day for a couple of hours and to ensure you were active. A couple of years ago, this boy walked inside, leaving his flip-flops on the side next to yours and he seemed to be doing some conditioning work.
Later, you found out he had picked up a muscle injury and he was there with his physiotherapist at the same time you went everyday, and by the time his treatment was over, you became good friends and it bloomed from there.
A party before his first season in Formula One was the last straw when he wasn't the only guy there who noticed how beautiful you looked. It seemed that all of the single drivers had their eyes on you, both from the novelty of your presence in the function and from the confidence you exuded. His protective side came forward, and as he was driving you back home, he didn't let you leave his place until he confessed his feelings. As it turned out, you felt the same.
"And last, but not least, lip balm", your boyfriend said in a overly exaggerated accent.
"And for that, you don't get to use this anymore!", you put the small tube on the small bag, zipping it and finding a place for it before you stuck your tongue out at him.
"That's alright - I'll just kiss you after you put it on", he smirked.
"Like that is any different from what you do now", you grumbled, closing your backpack and patting it, "I'm all ready!", you smiled.
Even though the original plan was for Logan to fly to England and then fly with you to his home country, your university practical assignments had been changed to that week and there was no way you could swap, let alone miss them. You didn't want your boyfriend to spend less time with his family because of you, so you ended up deciding that you would fly over on your own and meet him there as soon as you could.
"I miss you, I can't wait to kiss your beautiful face", he smiled.
"I miss you too, but soon enough handsome!", you said as you looked at your watch, "the train leaves later today, but I heard there was a lot of traffic so I think I'm going now", you muttered, not wanting to end the call yet but having to do it for practical reasons. Besides, Logan needed to sleep and you were sure if you didn't end the call, he would pull an all nighter.
"Don't be late, gorgeous girl - I'll dream about meeting you when you get here", Logan charmed.
"See you later, Logie! Have a good sleep!", you beamed, "don't forget to put your phone on silent because I'll text you the flight updates! I love you!".
"I will! I love you too - have a safe flight!", he smiled before his face disappeared on your screen.
Making sure everything that needed to be off was turned off and on its right place, you closed and locked the door behind you before starting your journey.
Once you had done the security checks at the airport and found your gate, the nerves on your tummy settled in. It wasn't the first time you had to fly on your own and you knew well enough where they stemmed from. You had briefly met Logan's parents a couple of times before since they travelled for some of the races, but spending time with them in their family home carried a different weight to it.
Luckily, there weren't many setbacks and the flight actually landed a couple of minutes before schedule, making you text Logan that you had already landed so he could sort the situation out.
Spotting him wasn't too hard once you saw your name on a lavender coloured cardboard and your boyfriend holding it.
"I missed you loads", he whispered on your ear, kissing under it and hugging you tight.
"I missed you too", you answered back, letting him squeeze you one last time before grabbing the cardboard, "You did this for me?", you beamed.
"Yes, one of my cousins was over yesterday and she gave me the idea to put the glitter on there", he nodded to the glittery letters.
"Yes, I definitely noticed that wasn't you", you giggled, pushing your suitcase along and to the parking lot.
"Mom wanted to come and get you, but she put in her head that the house had to be spotless, so she stayed back, and I think my dad went out to get an order my mum made for a bread she remembered you liked and she wanted you to have it", he stated, unlocking the car and popping the trunk open.
"They're going what? I don't need any special treatment, Logan, - I don't want them to think I want princess treatment!", you argued, holding onto your things, "my Goodness, your parents think I'm a snob", you groaned.
"No, they don't! They just wanted to make sure you feel comfortable and at home!", Logan offered, trying to get your backpack.
"I could sleep on the floor and be happy about it!", you grumbled before you let him get the bag.
"If you really want that, that's fine, but my bed is quite good to be fair", he smirked before you swatted his chest, helping him with the suitcase next.
"Stop making jokes, I don't want your family to think-", Logan interrupted by placing his lips on yours.
"Stop talking nonsense, my parents are excited to have you here", he spoke.
It wasn't a lie. All of his family was excited and curious to finally meet the girl that captured Logan's heart. He knew they could be a handful, and he had certainly warned you considered you came from a small family giving that your parents were only children - it wasn't so much that he thought you wouldn't feel okay, but it would definitely be a little more crowded that you were used to.
On the other side, his family's opinion mattered to him and he was nervous of what they could say. Not because of you and the person you were - he was sure you were going to be just fine, but it wouldn't be the first time that his family's opinion swayed someone the other way. His parents had met your briefly before and now you were being introduced to everyone else. Grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins and everyone else that wanted to tag along and nitpick at you. Everyone's eyes would be on you, and so would their opinions.
"I'm choosing to believe you", you smiled, getting inside the car and watching Logan do the same.
"Did you have a good flight?", he asked as he reversed out of the space, "a lady behind me was saying that her daughter had a turbulent flight".
"It was fine, but I don't really know - I slept on the last couple of hours. Didn't think I had it in me", you tsked, "but the seat was quite comfy and there wasn't anyone in the middle seat, so me and the guy that was on the row sort of took over it and had a silent agreement to share it".
The drive to his parents' house was quick, Logan pointing to all of the spots that carried memories and special moments.
"That's my mom and my dad is also arriving behind us", he looked at his rear view mirror to check if his father had space to park.
"Hello! Welcome welcome, Y/N!", Daniel smiled and greeted you with a hug as soon as you stepped out of the car.
"Hi! Thank you for taking me in for these couple of days", you giggled.
"Nonsense! We're glad you could join us after all - did you do well in your examinations?".
"Dad!", Logan warned slightly, not wanting you to feel ambushed about it.
"They went well, yes! There's only one mark left and it should come out one of these days", you smiled, walking up to greet Logan's mother at the door.
"Hey sweetie! How have you been?", Madelyn asked, pulling you in for a tight hug.
"Hello! I've been good, and you? I hope it wasn't too much trouble having me here", you told her.
"Oh, no, don't worry! You're Logan's girlfriend, you could never be too much trouble", she offered, letting you in, "How was your flight?".
"It was good", you added, "there wasn't too much trouble with customs either, but it was quite tiring for me, I've never done such a long flight", you chuckled.
"When we got back to Silverstone, I had to take three days to recover from it! And I felt so dirty that I had to shower once we got home", she giggled.
"I might actually do that, if you don't mind - my whole body just feels icky", you admitted, knowing you had just arrived and while it maybe wasn't the way to go, it was something you wanted to do.
"Of course, of course! Logan will help you - I left the towels on your bed", she patted her son's back before he headed up the stairs as you trailed behind after excusing yourself.
You headed straight for the shower after getting your toiletry bag from the suitcase, kissing Logan's lips quickly before. When you exited the ensuite bathroom, Logan was doing his hair in the mirror.
"Don't you look handsome?", you whispered, kissing his cheek, "I must say, I'm a big fan of this longer hair", you mused.
"Thank you, love", he smiled, "are you feeling good enough to go out or do you want to stay at home?", he asked.
"I'm good - that shower really helped", you offered, "let me just get ready and then we can go - are your parents joining us?", you wondered.
"I'll have to ask, but I'm assuming they are - they made reservations for us for lunch too", he let you know.
"Okay, I'll just change quickly and sort my hair out", you kissed his cheek before looking for an outfit on your suitcase.
As soon as you were ready, you headed back downstairs so you could leave the house, Logan's mother insisting that you rode in the passenger seat next to your boyfriend, "it's not everyday we get to be driven around town", she snickered.
They pointed out at different houses of family members you would soon meet along with some friends and spots like their workplaces and favourite shops.
After lunch, Logan drove to his uncle's house, telling you about the little girl who inspired the welcoming cardboard he picked you up from the airport with, "she loves animals too, so be prepared to be ambushed with questions and a show of her stuffed toys", your boyfriend chuckled.
"It's true, Y/N! She has built her own collection and it's quite impressive!", Madelyn added.
The house was similar to Logan's parents', your boyfriend parking the car safely before you got out.
"Welcome Y/N!", an older woman said, "we've been waiting to meet you!", she smiled.
"That's my aunt, my uncle and that's my great aunt - she's my grandmother's sister", Logan said before you greeted them warmly, hearing quick footsteps on the corridor, "and that should be Millie".
A little girl no older than three years old ran up to Logan, hugging his legs and hiding behind them, "why don't you say hello to Y/N, honey?", her mother encouraged her.
Slowly, she peeled herself from the driver's legs, taking a look at you.
You crouched down so you would be in the same level, "hi Millie", you tried.
"How do you know my name?", she asked.
"Logan told me all about you - I loved the glitter you used for my name of the sign he took to get me from the plane", you smiled.
"I have more, do you want to see them, Y/N?", she beamed, stretching out her arm for you to take her hand.
"Go go, Y/N! I'll get some snacks out for us and then you can come down if you want something - we want to have a chat to get to know the girl our nephew's speaks so fondly of!", Logan's uncle winked before Millie pulled you.
Her room was decorated in a jungle theme, animal decals decorating the walls, "do you want to draw with me? Momma got me these with glue so it doesn't get messy", she explained before pulling a chair for herself, "Oh, I don't have one for you, I'm sorry".
"That's alright, love - I'll just sit on the floor", you smiled, kneeling down and getting comfortable.
Millie was an only child and from what Logan told you, there weren't many girls in the family, so she was taking full advantage of having some girly time with you.
"Millie! Poor Y/N has been here for nearly two hours!", Madelyn called for you from the door.
"It hasn't been that long, has it?", you wondered, feeling guilty to have spent that long away from them, "I didn't even notice!".
"Don't worry, honey! It's all good, we were just wondering if you two wanted to eat something", she procured.
"We'll go in a bit, auntie Madelyn! Y/N's nails are not dry yet!", Millie stated, "and I need to ask her a couple more questions about giraffes - did you know they're Y/N's favourite animal? She knows a lot about them!".
"Okay, then! Your momma has some sandwiches for you and little cakes for when you want to come down and join us - no pressure, Y/N, but she might keep you here forever now that she knows you like animals too", your boyfriend's mother squeezed your shoulder.
"Is everything alright?", Logan asked as he watched his mother get back to the living room on her own.
"Millie is holding Y/N hostage, but I think they'll be down here soon!", Madelyn offered, "I think she's in love with her".
"Looks like you've got some competition, man", Daniel told his son.
"She looked to be having a good time - she's such a sweet girl", his aunt said.
"She helps babysitting some kids, and there are not a lot of little ones in her family, and I'm sure Millie has picked her brain about her studies", Logan offered, "she's studying to be a vet".
"She's very lovely", Madelyn said spontaneously, "You would be a fool if you let her slip through your fingers. She's smart, caring, loving - I can tell from the way you look at her", she offered.
She had always been honest with him and she was known for not leaving words unsaid, but to do so in such a spontaneous and open way was surprising to Logan.
"And Millie loves her, and you know how much she hates new people - she has her seal of approval", she smiled before everyone heard giggles approaching.
"We were so entertained and having so much fun that I didn't even notice the time passing by", you apoligised as you sat down next to Logan on the sofa, Millie sitting by the coffee table and munching on the snacks.
"You have some glitter here, babe", Logan pointed out, shaking some of the yellow flakes from your eyebrow.
"I'm a bright star, of course I have it", you joked, giving him a big smile before Millie pulled on your pants' leg.
"Y/N, these are my favourite - momma and I baked them!", she offered you a small biscuit, "these bits here that look like giraffe spots are cinnamon!", the little girl smiled.
"Thank you, Millie", you accepted, taking a bit out of them and humming, "they're very very good!".
"Logan, did Y/N also teach you how to tell apart the different giraffe species?", Millie asked her cousin, choosing to sit on his thighs.
"I think she has, yes - the star shaped ones are the giraffa giraffa, right? And there's the one with 'camel' in the name because of a hump on the neck", Logan offered.
"That's right, Logan!", the little girl cheered as she drank some of the juice her mother offered in her cup.
Conversation flowed between you, his family members asking you questions about you so they could get to know you without delving into matters that you deemed too personal, which you were grateful for, and overall it was just a nice chat.
"Logan used to go around with this cap he had signed by some of the drivers - you must have been what? 10 maybe? I still remember the fight I had with him because he wanted to shower with it", his aunt laughed after clapping her hands once, "he was so adamant that the ink wouldn't budge that I had to show him that it would vanish and then he let me take it away from him".
You were loving all the childhood stories, holding Logan's hand and laughing with them, kissing his cheek once the rest of the group got up to help his aunt in the kitchen once they suggested that you stay over for dinner.
"I was a dorky kid, what can I say?", your boyfriend smiled as blush erupted on his cheeks.
"Shut up, your stories are the cutest!", you giggled, "way better than my 'I wanted to prove I was as tall as my older cousins so I fell in the pool' and 'I cut my own hair because my mum was busy with work and I thought I was helping her' stories", you argued.
"Depends on how you look at them, really", he smiled, stealing a kiss from your lips before Millie came back.
"Y/N, are you staying here with auntie Madelyn and uncle Daniel after Logan leaves?", she asked.
"Do you want me to leave, Millie?", Logan asked, feigning offense with his hand on his chest.
"No, silly - but I know you travel for work, so maybe Y/N could stay here!", she explained.
"I can't, Millie, I have school back home", you offered, noticing her shoulders fall.
"I like having you here, I like you", she muttered.
"I like you too a lot, Millie - how about we play as much as we can while I'm here, hm? You can pick my brain about anything you want, not just giraffes! Do you like tigers? Or cows?", you suggested, diverting the attention to something else.
"Tigers and cows? That's a weird combination", Logan quirked an eyebrow, "my practical exam was about cows and I was studying tigers before I left", you shrugged your shoulders.
.
"You guys can stay here whilst I do the debrief", Logan guided you inside the hospitality, letting you know where everything was in case you needed it.
You, Daniel and Madelyn engaged in conversation, hearing a couple of more stories from Logan's childhood and a few of your own stories from back home.
"It's my mum, sorry, if you'll excuse me", you said before heading outside since the signal was better there.
Once you finished your call to update your parents on how things were going there and here, you felt fabric run over your sandals, looking down to see a small dachshund puppy.
"Hey there, little one", you bent down to pet him, "you look like you're lost, hm? Who do you belong to?", you mused, rubbing his belly once he flopped down.
Behind you, you could hear Alex's and Logan's voice approaching and then you spotted Lily too.
"Hey, Y/N!", she waved, "Since when do you and Logan have a puppy? It's so cute!", she beamed.
"Hi! We don't, I just found him, or he found me I guess", you mumbled.
"This looks like Charles' dog, doesn't he?", she mused again.
"Have you two seen a small dachshund- Oh! Tell Charles he's here!", Logan said as he spotted the dog on your lap while Alex began calling the monégasque driver.
"He's here, Charles!", your boyfriend called once he spotted the Ferrari driver, "Animals just find their way to her, I guess", he joked as he watched you play with the dachshund puppy.
"Look at your puppy teeth - do you know what this one is called? I know, Leo! I go to university so I can treat little ones like you, but also the big ones! Have you met big dogs too?", you mused, all too happy with the puppy who seemed to be happy at the attention he was getting.
Charles approached you as you got up, carrying the puppy and giving him to him, "Oh no, Leo - did you run away from your parents?", you asked the dog, "now, that's not something nice to do, is it? They were probably worried about you, little guy!", you said before letting him go back to Charles.
"Thank you! He seems to have liked you", he pointed out, holding Leo in his arms.
"He just came in here and started playing with my shoelaces", you smiled.
"Leo does that a lot - last week, he found my sandals and he was a puppy on a mission running away from me with them!", Alexandra chuckled.
By the time the sprint race was happening, you sat in the garage and watched the whole race, waiting to see about the penalties they were handing out, seeing Logan ended up with P10.
"That was a good run, though, wasn't it?", you asked your boyfriend once he was able to be with you, "some learning curves for tomorrow at least".
"The balance was a bit off, but we'll look into it", he stated, kissing your forehead before also greeting his parents.
"I'm going to the bathroom", you excused yourself.
After discussing the sprint, his parents took the opportunity that you weren't there to talk to Logan about you.
"She loves you a lot, I can tell - I just hope we haven't been too much for her, this whole things is too much as it is", she gestured to the whole paddock and figuratively to the life her son led.
"The whole media attention definitely isn't her favourite thing, but she's been doing well, we speak about it every now and again to check and make sure we're both well with all of it. She's very private and her friends and family also help a lot with arranging stuff and being careful with those sorts of things", Logan offered.
"She's an incredible young woman, and you two are great together", Daniel complemented his wife's opinion.
All doubts of whether it had been right or not to bring you home for a few days washed away as Logan heard his parents talk about you like you were one of their own, welcoming you into their family so seamlessly and listing and pointing out all of the things that attracted Logan to you in the first place. You fit right in with his family and Logan couldn't be prouder of that.
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st4rtar0t · 2 months
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Helping your recognise your superpower
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I'm currently doing donation based readings to pay for my tuition fees. DM to purchase a reading!
Thank you so much for your time and energy and I hope you have a great day ahead!
Picture 1
Your lust for knowledge is your superpower. And I know you may think that is a lame power to have but I do want to your realise that knowledge is everything. The more knowledgeable you are, the more mature you become. Maturity comes from a sense of understanding and experience. The way you're always ready to learn new things makes you unique. Some of could be an higher achiver, or your sense of self comes from your academic performance. I think it's good to be knowledge but don't bring yourself down when you don't perform well. Give yourself time to learn and revise.
Your another superpower is your ability to look at situations from different perspectives. You know sometimes our pain clouds our vision making it difficult to acknowledge the hurt of others. But not for you, no matter how bad your situation is, you wouldn't let your emotions cloud your judgement Which is an remarkable ability.
Your faith, whether in yourself, in others or in something greater than us all, gives you strength and resilience in times of difficulty. Your belief in humanity, your trust in kindness and your faith in the possibility of a better future awaiting us uplifts not only you but also the people around you.
Picture 2
Your planning is your superpower. It's like having a secret weapon in life. When you plan, you're like a master strategist, able to foresee obstacles and navigate around them. You can set goals and figure out the steps to reach them. Planning helps you stay organized, focused, and prepared for whatever comes your way. It's not just about making lists; it's about taking control of your future and making things happen. So, embrace your planning abilities, because they can truly make you unstoppable. Some of you could be INTJ/ENTJ.
Your another superpower is your protectiveness. It's your ability to shield and guard the ones you care about, keeping them safe from harm. Just like a superhero, you have an instinct to watch over others, anticipating dangers and swooping in to shield them from harm. Your protective nature is a strength that shines brightly, offering comfort and security to those around you. Embrace this superpower, for it is a reflection of your love and dedication to keeping your loved ones out of harm's way. you may think that this makes you more feminine but caring for the people that you makes you stronger. Your constant transformation is your superpower because it means you're always evolving, learning, and adapting. Instead of being stuck in one way of thinking or doing things, you embrace change and use it to your advantage. You're like a chameleon, able to adjust to any situation or challenge that comes your way. This flexibility allows you to grow stronger, wiser, and more resilient with each transformation. So, don't fear change, embrace it, because it's what makes you unstoppable.
Picture 3
Your love for others is your superpower because it has the ability to transform lives in ways beyond imagination. When you extend kindness, understanding, and support to those around you, you create an atmosphere of warmth and positivity. Your love has the power to heal wounds, mend broken hearts, and inspire greatness in others. It's a force that spreads joy, brings people together, and fosters deep connections. Through your love, you become a beacon of hope and strength, capable of uplifting the spirits of those who may be struggling.
Your powerful presence is like a superpower. It's all about how you carry yourself and how you make others feel when you're around. You don't need special abilities because you are your own strength. People notice you without you having to do anything flashy. Your confidence and the way you connect with others make you stand out. Your presence is like a magnet, attracting attention and admiration wherever you go. It's what makes you truly remarkable.
Your voice and the words you choose have immense power. When you speak, it's like magic weaving through the air, touching hearts and minds. The tone, pitch, and rhythm of your voice can convey emotions and messages in ways that no other form of communication can. And the words you select? They're like arrows hitting their target, shaping thoughts, inspiring actions, and building connections. Whether you're calming a storm with soothing words or igniting a fire with passionate speech.
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oflgtfol · 2 years
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Idk how you have the strength to get through all those terrible venom comics. I started reading the 2003 one when I first got into venom and just searched venom and started there. What a mistake lol, I don’t think I made it more than three issues. Props to you for continuing, I could never make it. Also as much as I hate the out of character comics, I’m loving your analysis. It’s very vindicating
also I appreciate getting little views into which comics are terrible without having to find out on accident like I did the first time
good luck on the rest, love your venom posting!
oh believe me i’m questioning my sanity through it all too LMAO. but back in like, october last year or whenever i first started reading the comics, i pledged to myself that i would read Every Single Venom Comic. i have no idea why i decided to do that but well i did! so here i am. checking over my megadoc right now, i have read 36 unique titles so far, and i’d estimate definitely over 100 issues. and i’m barely into the ‘00s, i still have the ‘10s, and i still have a few random things to check out from the ‘90s too
venom 2003 is legitimately the worst comic i have ever read like for all my rage over everything else, that is the worst one ever. if i ever make an anti-suggestions list, it is entirely because venom 2003 was so god damn horrific. it goes to the top of my anti-suggestions list like DO NOT fucking read that thing if you know what’s good for your mind, body, & soul
i’ve been feeling kinda bad for the absolute comics spam over the past few days especially bc a majority of my followers don’t care about venom comics to this extent. (i hope everyone is blacklisting my liveblog tag if you don’t want to see it…) especially my longwinded rants about how bad everything sucks like i do feel like a broken record writing word vomit to an uncaring audience. like i know its my blog i can talk about what i want but lmfao i do feel bad for spamming. but i’m glad at least a few people are getting a kick out of it!! it’s not all for naught
anyway tl;dr I read venom comics so YOU don’t have to! this is my service to the community. o7
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natriae · 1 year
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MINORS DNI
A/N: on my ushiwaka grind rn i love him
i fully believe that Ushi is not good at sex especially not the first time. He has no idea what he's doing.
He understood sex jokes in highschool but he just didn't know why tendou and the team thought they were so funny. Sex was not on his priority list, so he wasn't ready at all when you started to climb on his lap when you guys were kissing.
Somehow his brain told him to bring you closer, so he did just that, but you could feel the hesitancy.
"'toshi we don't have you," you tried to comfort the strong man.
"n-no i want to," but you knew deep down he was just saying what he thought was right based on what he heard in the locker room.
Safe to say you guys didn't have sex that night, but you did your best to make sure toshi didn't feel uncomfortable or feel bad for leaving you "high and dry". His therapist taught him that communication was very important to a relationship, so you were thankful he was blunt and clear with his feelings. He didn't want to mess up, or cum at the wrong moment.
You knew Toshi was a virgin but not because he was so worried about preforming wrong. Volleyball came easy for him but he always had to put a little more work into your relationship especially after seeing his parents. He wanted to treat you like a princess, and if he knew he couldn't provide you in some way he'd find someone else to do better.
"Toshi I don't care if any of that happens. It will be our first time. It won't be perfect. Just like Volleyball you practice all the time to make sure your skills grow."
"you're right, but can we still wait a bit?"
"of course, goodnight baby."
~
From that day toshi did as much research as he could to learn how to "preform" well during sex. He read blogs, he even asked Kageyama for help which lead to a very awkward stare off.
When the real thing happened he needed lots of help. You directed him to your clit, and things that made you feel good. Seeing his small smile brought you more pleasure then the sex itself. And Toshi was beyond proud of himself, but his confidence lowered when it was time for him to take his dick out. What if it doesn't fit? What if it doesn't feel good for you? He won't even be able to look at you in the face if he-
He feels you grab his face, "toshi look at me,". seeing your eyes look so deeply into his was enough for him to begin pushing it in.
Yes he did cum before you, but he kept going till he was overstimulated because he wanted to be perfect for you. Train himself to hold it till you came.
You ended up faking an orgasm because toshi looked to be in pain, but he doesn't need to know that.
So no Ushijima Wakatoshi is not good at sex, but he will practice just for you. And you are glad he was willing to step out of his comfort zone for you.
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wzrd-wheezes · 8 months
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Sharing - Sirius Black x Remus Lupin x Reader
AN - this was supposed to just be a Sirius smut but then my finger slipped and it turned into a threesome. This is filthy so read at your own risk. I’ll list the warnings below and as always, minors dni. (also i literally didn’t proof read this because tbh i couldn’t be arsed so sorry x)
contains: kind toxic!sirius/ fuckboy!sirius. friends with benefits, so much sex, oral and anal lol. dirty talk, degradation, dumbification kinda, choking and just general filth. read at ur own risk <3
Sirius let himself into Y/N’s flat, as he often did. It was a wonder that he didn’t have the spare key given the fact that he came over nearly every night. He walked into the living room confidently, the room instantly filling with the scent of his aftershave. Y/N was lounging on the sofa, curled up in the corner with a book clutched in her hand. She barely looked up when he came in, he only got her attention when he was stood right in front of her.  
He was tall, he towered over Y/N by at least a foot and was broad in the shoulders, his black hair falling in waves just below his chin. His eyes were dark, rimmed with thick dark lashes that stared down at Y/N. Even though she wasn’t his girlfriend, he treated her with a possessive air that bordered on territorial, constantly flirting and placing a possessive hand on her back or hip whenever he could manage in. 
“We meet again.” He finally spoke, his voice like a siren song. Y/N felt her heart rate speed up, her ears burning from the heat rising in her body, “What are you reading? Is it any good?” he asked, cocky smirk playing on his lips as his eyes flitted down her body, settling on the book in her hand.  
“Yeah it is actually,” Y/N finally looked up at him properly and quickly flashed him the cover of her book, “Remus lent it to me.”  
“Oh, he did, did he?” Sirius chuckled, sitting next to her on the sofa and resting on of his hands on her hip. His lips curled up into a mocking smile as he looked down at her, still taller than her even sitting down. Despite his smile, his eyes had a serious glint, “How is Remus, anyways?” 
“He’s fine.” Y/N looked back down at her book, “He’s your best friend, you should know.” 
“You’ve been spending a lot of time with him, haven’t you?” Sirius asked, ignoring her last comment. His hand wandered upward, settling on her side above her hip. There’s a look in his eyes that makes her insides tighten and her whole body stiffens up in response. 
“We’re friends.” 
“Are you sure that’s all that you are?” His eyes travelled down her body, his smirk never leaving his face, “Because I think that there is... something else between you.” He paused, his gaze drifting back up to meet her own. The look in his eyes made her breath hitch. 
“There’s not.” Y/N sighed, used to having been through this before, “I’m not sure why you’d be bothered if there was.” She closed her book and reached over to place it on the coffee table. Sirius’s hand never left her waist the whole time.  
“I’m not bothered at all.” he said smoothly, “I’m just curious.” 
Y/N didn’t say anything, she knew instantly that it was a lie. She’d seen his competitive side many times before and was used to the way that he would get incredibly possessive over her.  
“I think you’re lying, love.” his hand creeped up to cup her cheek, his thumb softly brushing over her skin, “I know you’ve been spending more time with him, and I know that you’re not just going over to swap books like you tell everyone.” he continued, his voice husky. 
“So, what?” Y/N turned to face him properly, “I’m not your girlfriend?” 
“You know that I don’t want to share.”  
“That’s hilarious,” she scoffed, “I know full well that you’re also sleeping with other people.” 
“I can see and sleep with other girls.” he replied, his expression unchanging, “It’s not like we’re exclusive. I just don’t like it when you do it.” 
He pulled her closer to him, his body pressing against hers. His fingers searched for the bottom of her shirt tugging at it slightly to expose some of her midriff and trailed his fingers down her bare skin. He pulled her so she was entangled in his arms, her head leaning against his chest. 
“Did you sleep with Remus?” he pressed. Y/N didn’t reply and Sirius just cocked an eyebrow at her, “I knew you had something going on. I’m not stupid and I don’t miss anything. I always know when you’re trying to hide something from me.” 
“I wasn’t trying to hide it. Just didn’t think you’d appreciate me telling you that I was sleeping with your best mate.”  
“Oh, I already knew.” Sirius smirked, “He told me the other day, I just wanted to hear you admit it.” 
Y/N rolled her eyes at him. He was so infuriating sometimes. He had this air about him that just seemed to get him whatever he wanted. He was like a spoiled child that wasn’t used to not getting his own way or being told no.  
“Was it good?” he asked, his voice low. He reached up and tangled his fingers in her hair. 
The girl just nodded in response, not really knowing how to reply properly. She avoided his eyes, hoping that he wouldn’t notice that he was making her flustered. Sirius’s fingered tightened in her hair, pulling her head back so he could look at her. 
“Tell me about it.” he breathed, bending down towards her, “Did you like how he touched you? How he kissed you?” His voice was dark and hoarse, and she could sense the jealous and possessiveness rolling off of him.” 
“I never thought I’d see the day where Sirius Black gets jealous.” Y/N laughed, trying to take control of the situation. 
“I’m always jealous.” his voice was softer now, “Jealous of the things and the people that you give your attention to. I always want to be the only one that you have eyes for. That’s how it should be. His face was so close now that their noses were almost touching. He drew her close to him, his hands sneaking up her shirt and running down her bare back. He trailed his lips across her cheek and the soft whisper of his breath made her shiver. 
“You’re ridiculous.” 
“And you love it.” he chuckled, “You love my touch, my attention... and I bet you loved Remus touching you as well.” 
“Shut up.” 
“Is this making you a bit uncomfortable?” The grin on his face widened and his eyebrows raised. He leaned closer again, his lips brushing against her ear, “You loved it, didn’t you? You like when Remus touched you... touched you where only I’m allowed.”  
“Tell me... did you like it?” His breath caught for a moment, the note of possessiveness back in his voice, “Did you like his hands on your skin, his lips on yours?” 
“Yes! Fine! Yes, I liked it!” Y/N exclaimed, defeated by his relentless questioning.  
“Do you want it to happen again?” he whispered, “Would you allow it, if he was here right now?” 
“What? Here with you as well?” 
“Perhaps,” he said, smiling again, “I could allow it. Would you like that, love?” His head dipped down and he caught her lips with his own, pulling her lower lip into his mouth with his teeth. 
“Answer me.” he pulled away from her, “Would you like me and Remus?” 
“Y-yeah...” 
Sirius’s eyes flicked for a brief moment and the look of sheer elation on his face was almost comical. He crashed his lips against hers once again, this time the kiss was harsh and messy. His tongue forcing it’s way into her mouth and clashing against hers. 
 “Are you sure you can handle the two of us, darling?” he leaned back and his face twisted into a cocky grin, “That’s a lot to handle, you know.” his hand slid from her side to the back of her neck, bringing her close to him once more. With his other hand, he traced the fabric of her shirt, the tip of his finger just lightly brushing the skin of her stomach. 
“I want to. I’m sure.” 
“Oh, I know you want to.” he grinned, “So when should he come? Should I call him right now?” 
“Y-yeah. Call him now.”  
“You’re quite eager, aren’t you? You want him that bad already?” his eyes flickered down her neck, “Makes me wonder what else you’d be willing to do with a little motivation.”  
Sirius grinned at her, his eyes glittering as he watched her respond. Y/N’s heart was hammering in her chest, her mind whirling from all the possibilities and thoughts racing through it. The dark-haired boy left the room, swiftly shutting the door behind him. Y/N could hear him murmuring as he spoke, presumably on the phone to Remus.  
The door swung open and Sirius strutted back into the room, grin once again plastered on his face. This time, however, he didn’t sit back down on the sofa next to Y/N. Instead, opting to lean against the door frame, his hands tucked into the pockets of his jeans.  
“He’s on his way.” he announced, “How about we go to your room and get started? I’ll leave the front door unlocked for him, yeah?” 
Y/N nodded and quickly got up, following him into her bedroom. Within seconds, Sirius had her pushed on the bed, sprawled out across the sheets. He climbed on top of her, all but pinning her down beneath him. Hot, messy kisses were pressed against her throat, Sirius’s fingers tangling in her hair. 
Y/N jumped as she felt another presence next to her, the bed dipping down slightly as someone else climbed onto it. Another set of fingers weaved into her hair, pulling her head back from where Sirius was kissing her.  
“Thought you said you were going to wait f’me?” Remus asked, his voice gruff.  
“Couldn’t help myself. You understand, right?” Sirus smirked. Remus grinned back at him. 
“You’re sure about this, yeah?” Remus asked, pulling Y/N up so she was sitting in front of them both. 
“I’m sure.” 
“Good girl.” Remus said, his voice low, “Are you ready for the two of us to ruin you?” 
Remus captured her mouth with his, his hand trailing down her side, her stomach tightening at his touch. His lips were warm and soft, but firm, and he wasn’t gentle as he pushed her back down onto the bed.  
Sirius moved so that he was sat behind Y/N, her fitting perfectly into the space between his legs, her back resting against his chest. He wrapped his arms around her protectively and ducked his head down so he could whisper in her ear.  
“Are you going to let him touch you?” he murmured, his eyes flicking to Remus who was making short work of undoing her trousers and shuffling them down her legs, “You going to let him do whatever her wants? Going to let him ruin you?” 
“I thought you didn’t like to share?” Y/N said, her voice breathless but still somehow managing to tease him. 
“I can make an exception for this,” he shrugged, “And the answer is yes. You’re going to let him do whatever he wants. You’re going to let him touch you anywhere, everywhere. Do you understand?” 
Y/N barely got chance to reply as Sirius’s ring clad fingers wrapped around her throat, applying pressure to the sides. Her eyes fluttered shut, lips parted slightly. A moan slipped out of her mouth as Remus buried his head between her thighs. Y/N’s body arched against Sirius’s as Remus’s tongue darted across her clit. He looked up at her, his chin glistening with her wetness.  
“She’s a good little slut, isn’t she?” Remus said, his hands gently playing over her body. 
“Mhm, the best.” 
Sirius moved so that she was now laying flat on the bed with him kneeling next to her head. He unzipped his trousers, pulling out his member. He pumped it a few times before lifting her head up to meet it. The tip of it bumped against her lips and she quickly opened her mouth to take him inside. Sirius let out a low groan as her lips wrapped around him, her tongue swirling across the head of his dick.  
“Looks so pretty with a cock in her mouth, too.” he said, affectionately stroking her hair as he thrust into her. He laughed when she gagged, one of his thrusts being slightly deeper than she was used to, “What? Too big for you, love?” 
Remus chuckled, shuffling up the bed and kneeling the other side of Y/N. Like Sirius, he also removed his trousers, his cock now bobbing in front of her face. Remus’s teeth sunk into his bottom lip as she switched between him and Sirius, sucking on each of their dicks for a few moments before swapping to the other one. Whoevers dick wasn’t currently in her mouth was being stroke by her spare hand, not wanting to leave one of the unattended. The room was filled with filthy groan and grunts for the two men as they had their way with her. It was only when Sirius got fed up that they decided to switch positions.  
“Can’t wait any longer.” he grunted, “Wanna fuck that arse of yours.” 
Y/N was on all fours, Remus positioned underneath her and Sirius knelt behind her, his cock brushing against the globes of her arse as they got into position. Remus pulled her down to kiss him, his tongue slipping into her mouth. Remus rubbed his cock up and down her folds a few times, coating himself in her wetness before finally plunging inside her. Y/N let out a loud moan as she stretched out around him. He gave her a few moments to adjust before starting to move.  
They had just found their rhythm when Y/N felt Sirius smear lube over her rare entrance. He gently pushed a finger inside of her, stretching her out so that she was ready for him. 
“We’ve done this before, love, yeah? Just like last time.” His voice was much softer now, and he pressed kisses against her shoulders as he slowly started sliding inside of her, “If it hurts too much tell me and I’ll stop, okay?” 
“It’s fine. Feels good.” Y/N managed to get out. 
“You like being filled up by two cocks, don’t you?” Remus smirked, his hands resting on her hips, guiding her to bounce on both of their dicks, “Such an eager little slut.” 
“Filthy girl, aren’t you?” Sirius teased, “One of us just wasn’t enough for you, eh? Had to have us both?” 
Y/N nodded frantically, too lost in the pleasure of it all to form a verbal response. Her teeth dug into Remus’s collarbone as she bit down to stifle the moans that were threatening to tumble from her lips.  
“Don’t hide those pretty noises. We want to hear how dirty you sound, don’t we, Sirius?” 
“Of course. Tell us how much you love being ruined by us.” he grumbled, “Or have we fucked you too dumb to speak?” The two men increased the pace of their thrusts, chuckling as Y/N tried to form coherent sentences to answer them.  
“Feels so good.” Y/N gasped, “L-love being ruined by you both.” 
“Clever girl.” Remus praised her, “But clearly we aren’t fucking you hard enough if you can still talk.”  
Remus and Sirius both looked at each other, seeming to telepathically create some form of plan. Their thrusts became relentless, plunging deep inside her simultaneously, barely giving her chance to breath. Sirius’s hands wandered up to grip her throat again, pulling her back so he could get a better look at her face.  
“I want to be the one that gets to see that pretty face as you cum around us.” His teeth grazed against her neck, nipping at the sensitive skin and causing her to groan. Y/N just nodded frantically in response, her holes clenching around them both. Remus’s hands were still planted on her waist, guiding her up and down on his cock and Sirius slammed into the back on her. Her eyes began to roll back as she climbed the peak, her body growing weak and relying on them to hold her upright.  
“Gonna cum inside of you at the same time, yeah”? Sirius groaned, his thrusts becoming sloppy.  
“Gonna fill up those holes of yours.” Remus continued. 
“Fuck.” Y/N moaned, her eyes squeezing shut as her orgasm came crashing down on her. Her breath quickened and she panted as they both continued to pound into her, chasing their own highs.  
Strangled moans came from both men as they reached their peaks, their thrusts eventually slowing down. Sirius collapsed down on the bed, slipping out of her. The girl laid between them both, all three of them in a panting pile on the bed.  
“Y’know what, I don’t think sharing is so bad after all.” Sirius laughed. 
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theemporium · 7 months
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🐈‍⬛ w/Norstappen being like :O the first time their witchy s/o does magic in front of them pretty pls 🙏🏻 ?
thank you for requesting!🫶🏽
.
Despite the boys knowing your secret, they had never actually seen you perform any magic.
They had made plenty of jokes in the meantime. It was mostly Lando, but Max had his moments too. They would affectionately call you countless famous witch and wizard names. They would joke about you throwing them in a cauldron if they pissed you off. Countless pictures of brushes and brooms were sent to you on a daily basis. Sometimes they would even joke about the fact Sassy and Jimmy only liked you because of a witch’s connection to cats. 
It was safe to say their knowledge on witchcraft was limited, but despite their jokes and remarks, they did want to learn about it. It was a massive part of your life, of your identity too. They wanted to know every part of you, they wanted to love every part of you—even if the jokes wouldn’t necessarily stop. 
You had been teaching them things in passing, explaining anything when you noticed the way their brows would furrow in confusion. Whether it was when you were making a list of ingredients you needed (“No, Lando, I can’t just buy them from the grocery store.”) or preparing weeks in advance for a certain spell (“Max, baby, I love you but witchcraft isn’t just about shoving things into a bubbling pot.”). 
But they had never actually seen you use magic until that night. 
You had been so caught up in your work that you hadn’t even realised the time until a message pinging from your phone broke you out of your concentration. You swore under your breath, rushing towards the kitchen to get started on dinner in the hopes it wouldn’t be too late. After all, it had been your night to cook.
You hadn’t even heard the boys come in. You were rushing around the kitchen like a madman, pots and pans and ingredients flying around the room. There were pots bubbling on the stove, there was a knife cutting vegetables on a cutting board, there were unused dishes being washed in the sink and at the centre of the chaos stood you, cookbook in one hand whilst the other orchestrated the world around you as you read through the recipe. 
“Holy shit.”
Your head snapped to the side to find both boys standing in the doorway, jaws slack and eyes wide as they watched the scene in front of them with the same level of shock and excitement as kids coming down to presents under the Christmas tree. 
“Hey,” you breathed out and gave them a sheepish smile. “I’m sorry, dinner will be ready soon but I got caught up in—”
“You really are like Hermione Granger!” Lando exclaimed, an excited laugh as he stepped into the kitchen, ducking when a carrot whooshed over his head. 
“I—” You blinked, a little taken aback. 
“Do you do this every time?” Max asked as he followed the Brit in, only to pause for a second. “Why have you never done this in front of us before?” 
“Yeah, this is so fucking cool!” Lando grinned, turning to you with a glimmer in his eyes. 
“I…didn’t realise it was something you wanted to see so badly,” you admitted with a small laugh, though something in your chest warmed at how enthusiastic they were about your magic. A small part of you feared they would be scared by it.
“You’re controlling all of this?” Max questioned.
“Every single thing,” you confirmed with a nod.
“How the fuck do you do that?” Lando murmured as his eyes focused on the plates setting themselves on the dining table connected to the kitchen. 
“Practice,” you said with a smile before leaning in to peck his cheek. “I’ll show you more after dinner.”
Lando’s eyes lit up. “Really?”
You nodded. 
“Maybe even pick something in that grimmy thing you have,” Max added, looking a little sheepish about his request even if he tried to sound confident.
“My grimoire, baby,” you corrected with a small laugh.
“Yes, that. Magic cookbook,” he said with a completely serious face. “Show us what our girl can do.”
“Well, right now your girl wants to eat dinner,” you snorted. “But if Lando eats his greens, I’ll show you a few spells after dinner.”
“This is bribery.”
“Lando, I will shove that broccoli down your throat if I have to.”
Lando gaped at the Dutchman before rolling his eyes. “It’s not my first choice but geez, fine.”
.
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che444 · 7 months
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Being (the “I am” state)
(Long post)
I think the most common instance I see in the community when interacting with asks and reading different struggles we all have/have had during our journey, is that people don’t just let themselves be.
A lot of us believe(d) that we have to work hard for everything, and we take that and apply it to manifestation. Maybe you feel it is too easy to just provide to yourself in imagination, you think there must be something else you have to do, that it can’t be that easy. Well, my love, I see you, I hear you, and I have been you. But, I am glad to inform you that when you reach this beautiful garden of truth and learning yourself and how this world works, that it is in fact, that easy.
As children, we played so freely in our imagination, even when we did not have the best days. We were always enthralled with our wildest dreams, excited by the mere glimmer of something new, even if we may have lost the ability to return to that sanctity as life become complicated, and imagination was thrown away for the sharp and harsh situations that life may have thrown at us. But I assure you, that you never lose the ability to imagine, it is never gone for good, maybe put to the side but never lost.
Imagine states being in a big shopping mall. You can try on any state you want, you can fill your cart up with fancy coats and dolce bags if you embody being rich (I am rich, I am financial free, I am always receiving gifts), you can fill your cart with heart patterned sweaters and lovely smelling candles if you are focusing on manifesting love or self love (I am loved, I am chosen, I am beautiful), and if you are trying to embody the state of being unloved you can fill your cart with no happy ending romance books and candles that smell like cat piss and back way alleys after it rains (I am unloved, I am not appreciated). Best deal is, it’s all on the house, all you have to do is pay in your mentality and accept this state as your own.
Now, let’s say you get to the register and you realize you don’t have enough mental bucks to spend on feeling rich today, let’s say life has been going crazy and you can only lay in bed, you feel overwhelmed by everything and you can’t raise your vibes right now.
Well, you’re in luck!
There is a layaway where you can store any state you plan to return to, even if you just need to wallow for a bit. The person at the register doesn’t look angry or upset, the look at you with the same witty smile, and hand you slippers, comfy socks, and a complimentary box of chocolates! You get your receipt and it lists all of what you have on layaway, waiting for you at any time! You can leave confidently knowing that you still have them, they just have to be picked up when you’re ready!
Now let’s break this down:
Clothes and different items you can place in your cart = the state you are wanting to be in
employee at the register = your subconscious, you
Layaway = an infinite amount of states that are always accessible to you because everything is you, they never go away, they are just not being made aware of to come into fruition
The register = the point of deciding, from the moment you make that transaction and put on your new clothes, you are now occupying that state, and the unfolding begins.
My love, those parts of you that you may feel like you have lost due to the harshities of this world are never gone, you just had to put them down because all you had the energy to focus on at that time was what you had to get done (working to make ends meet, dealing with a tumultuous relationship, having mental health issues) and that is okay. It may feel like you need to apply that survival mode to get these good things too. But no my love, you do not. You have been doing this since you were a child, your gift is limitless and always exists inside of you. Use your beautiful and boundless imagination internally to give yourself what you want externally.
When you are down, when you are sad, when you feel like you cannot hold yourself to a new state, work through your current one, do not run away, do not ignore it, do not fight against it to be perfect. You are already perfect and you always will be, Angel. Imagine yourself on a throne, as a famous movie star, go into the depths of your imagination and soar, feel the essence of what is like to be your true self. That doesn’t require you to lift a finger, so be gentle with yourself. No one is angry that you didn’t stay in the state today, you are not a failure, you are learning, and time is not your god, you are god.
when you feel as though you cannot do it today, don’t, but when you can, return to yourself as a child, and bask in your boundless imagination, treat yourself to bliss and never stop and your 3D will have no choice but to give it to you. All you gotta do is go shopping, and that mall is always there for you sweetheart. It is never too late to shop for a new look, you can change it at any time.
I love you, from my gracious heart to yours,
Luv, che 🌷
P.S
PUT THE 369 method DOWN, GET SOME SLEEP AND WATCH A COMFORT SHOW! 💕
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Hi!! Really like your writing could we possibly get a drabble or something like that of Middle Schooler Yuu?
Hell-Raising Gremlin: A Middle Schooler
Synopsis: Yuu is a cringy middle schooler that curses a lot and insults people
Cw: Cringe writing. Yuu is 12 and Gn. Cursing. They call Riddle stupid and tell Azul he's gay. No romance ofc. Not proofread
“What the fuck?” Was one of the first things that came out of your mouth when you kicked off the door to your coffin. A crowd of eerily robed people turned to stare at you as if you were the weird one for wearing normal clothes. Each person had matching eyeliner and wait, does that person have horns… and a tail? What sort of fucked up LARP furry cult were you kidnapped into?
“Honestly…” Another voice rang out “Coming through the door of your own accord is virtually unheard of, why are you in such a rush?” A bird masked individual said as he approached you, two glowing yellow orbs peaking through the mask, each part of his person accessorized to fit a perfect aesthetic. Okay, thats a pretty cool costume you’ll admit, but it still doesn't change that you are obviously in the wrong place.
"Um… probably because some strange carriage literally kidnapped me and forced me into a coffin and then I woke up here? I don't think I'm in the right place."
"Hmm I don't think you are entirely lucid yet… a side effect of the teleportation magic perhaps…" the man wondered out loud.
"Can you break character for a second and tell me where the hell I am, dude?" You glared at him and a few of the weird adults around you laugh. You keep a brave face despite the fear building up.
"You are at Night Raven College, a prestigious magician training school in Twisted Wonderland." The masked man states bluntly and confidently like that explains everything.
"Didn't I just say to break character? I'm not playing DND here or anything, I need to get home, I'm not supposed to be here in this weird cult thing… I need to get home!" a few more laughs reverberated in the crowd.
"I'm being serious, this is a school for magicians"
"Right well… I don't have magic. How's that?" You give a smug smirk. "So please send me home?"
The man just gives an infuriating blank expression. "Why, you are here because the black carriage recognized you as a powerful mage! You should be quite proud of that given how young to appear to be! Please stand by and the mirror will sort you into your dorm shortly!"
"I was kidnapped first of all, and I don't even have that weird robe thing! Look dude, you got the wrong person! I'll go up to that mirror right now and show you!" You assume this "magic' mirror was just some computer check in thing. Hopefully when you give your name it'll prove you aren't on the list of whatever the fuck this is.
"My, so hasty… such is the youth I suppose. Fine then, go up to the mirror."
You must give props to this actor for staying in character the full time, but now wasn't the time. As you approach the mirror you hear whispers, and you see 5 individuals and a floating tablet standing by it, looking as superior as they could. Some glared at you, others looked intrigued.
The mirror spoke, "State thy name."
"Yuu…"
"You're soul is… invalid… I cannot read it. Therefore I sort you in no dorm."
The crowd murmurs amongst themselves as the masked person looks genuinely surprised. "Well then. I must apologize, there must be some mistake." You exhale in relief. Finally he gets it. "Mirror, send this person home!" No response. Why was he asking the mirror?
"Ahem… Mirror take this person—"
"I cannot."
"... huh…" You frown
"This child's home is nowhere. They do not exist here. They are from another dimension. Therefore, they cannot be sent home."
The crowd's murmurs get louder. You still don't believe in this whole weird magic school act thing. "Are you fucking kidding me, did I seriously get isekaied by a horse drawn carriage?" 
At that you see the floating tablet mute themselves. Before you could even turn around and ask for the masked man to get a real person to send you home, a strange creature runs in front of you. You stared at it in complete shock.
"Mrahaha! If they can't join this school, then there's room for me!" The weird cat thing talks. Flames came out its ears and its tail was forked. What the fuck, what the fuck. How is this cat on fire and talking?
The crowd laughed at the cat's words. "Oh yeah?! I'll show you!" The creature yells out. You didn't think much of it until you saw blue plumes of flames come from its mouth and aim directly into the crowd. The crowd yells and pushes each other around. You could feel the heat.
This couldn't be some high tech animatronic could it? You gawk as banners catch flames and you see some of the mages in the crowd casting water spells to put themselves out. Is this really another world…? No way… no way. You have to get hit by a truck for that! This just has to be a very weird fever dream...
Another blast of flames is fired across from you, growing bigger and bigger, threatening to engulf everything in the room. One person from before lets out an annoyed sigh and you see him turn to approach the flame. 
Without thinking you immediately run over to pull him back catching him by surprise and making him stumble. "Dude, what are you doing?!" The doll faced young man looks over at you in shock, before his race reddens.
"How DARE YOU try to—"
"Riddle enough! They were just trying to help!" Another taller green haired mad says with a clover on his face. "Come with me…" the man says before pulling you back protectively.
You watch as the strange ruby-haired man, Riddle– what a stupid name–, approaches the weird cat. He raises his arm before lowering it. "OFF WITH YOUR HEAD!" He yelled, and a strange collar appeared around the cat. The flames around the room suddenly die.
"Hey what gives?! What I'll just… huh?! My magic! Its…"
"Sealed away. That collar around your neck does not allow you to use magic." Riddle states. "No cats are allowed are celebrations, your very existence here is a violation." A few robed figures go to grab their cat and toss him out.
"Damn…" you mumbles as you step put from behind the stranger that protected you.
"You there, child." Riddle states, still looking upset. "What you did was dangerous, you should have never stepped in to try to help."
Oh this dudes attitude pissed you off with how condescending he sounded. "Well sorry for trying to fucking make sure you didn't burn yourself. God forbid I didn't know you could do that weird collar thing."
The green haired man paled and the face of Riddle got red. "Excuse me?! You need to learn how to treat your superiors with respect–"
"I respect whoever respects me regardless of age! And you're not superior at all! You throw tantrums like a kid!" You spat back and the crowd seemed to laugh. The green haired man tries to pull you back. "Come on now, Yuu try to be nice…"
"Why would I? He's the one that started it! He can start yelling at people for no good reason but I can't? Hell who the fuck even names their kid Riddle its such a stupid name!"
Riddle was fuming at this point and everyone just seemed to either cringe or watch in rapt excitement. "IT IS NOT! You have not followed a single rule of the entrance ceremony! Those who don't follow the rules should be punished! Especially rude ones like you!"
"Did you not hear the mirror? I'm not from this world! I literally don't know any rules at all! How are you gonna get mad at me for that?! You're the one that keeps yelling for no reason and then getting mad at me for giving back the same energy? And now you're trying to threaten me!"
"Enough!" The red head yells. "Apologize now or it's off with your head!"
"Oh no my magic that I totally have! I'm so scared! Go ahead and do it! You're only punishing me because I'm right! You can't ever comprehend being wrong so you need to make yourself look stronger in every other way because you're a coward and a control freak! I may not have been in this world long, but something tells me in the real world you can't collar everyone that upsets you! You're a coward and a god damn fucking tyrant that feels the need to prove himself superior to a fucking TWELVE year old just because I had the audacity to try and help you! I am twelve and everyone here appears to be an adult yet none of you are actually helping me! I wanna go home!"
"Enough!" The masked man's voice yells out and you huff and look away. "That is enough for both of you." You look over at another man with blueish hair and glasses along with a mole struggling to hold in a laugh. You narrow your eyes. "Oh I just KNOW your bitch ass isn't laughing with your birthing hips and gay little face!" The man's eyes widen and he stares in shock for moment before looking down at himself. The crowd erupts in laughter.
"Yuu!" The masked man reprimands before sighing. "Dorm leaders! Take your students to their new homes! I will deal with this… situation" As everyone left, you glared at Crowley.
"It's about time you fucking listened me, hot topic wannabe ass." Crowley could tell that this child would fit in perfectly here.
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drizztdohurtin · 2 months
Text
Rolan Headcanons: marriage and domesticity
pairing: Rolan x gn!reader
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〚 Masterlist | WIP List 〛
I'm sorry if any of this feels reminiscent or repetitive of Gale's marriage and domesticity headcanons, they are very similar men, but I'm trying my best to add variety <3
I've discussed many of these with @viennacherries so I just want to throw her some credit for any of her ideas that have seeped into my brain and bled into this post <33333
-MDNI-
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01. Marriage:
I struggled so hard when writing the pining and dating headcanons but now.... buckle in bitches (affectionate)
I want to be married to Rolan so bad dude
Rolan LOVES introducing you to people as his wife/husband/spouse once you're married - he is literally so proud to be married to you
not even because "Wow look at me I'm married to the hero of Baldur's Gate", but just because of who you are as a person and how much he loves you
in the beginning, whenever he hears you refer to him as your husband, his tail swishes happily and he starts purring without realizing it - it's very quiet, but you notice
after a few occurrences, you point it out to him one night because you find it so endearing - he lowkey freaks out he's like WAIT I DO??
If you don't want kids, he's completely fine with it bc he gets to be the cool uncle when Cal and/or Lia have kids
If you do want kids........ well, it's complicated (begging you to wait for my 'conceiving/pregnancy/fatherhood' hc posts because I will go into hella detail)
on one of the last nights of your honeymoon, you make a comment about how much you had been enjoying going to sleep and waking up next to him every day during your trip; making a little joke about how that wouldn't be the case once he returned to his work when you two got home
and even though it was only meant to tease him lightheartedly, and even though you reassured him of such once you saw his face scrunch in concern, it was the only thing he could think about for a while
upon returning from your honeymoon, he'd do his best to be there with you when you laid down for the night - and tries to be around for you more often, generally speaking
it doesn't work super well at first, but he's definitely trying
as per my dating headcanon post, he cooks dinner for you once a tenday as a little at-home date night - and once you're married he'll start doing it more often
after maybe 5 years of marriage he gets to a point where he's finishing his work early every single day, like before sundown, so he can cook for you or take you out to eat, and have enough time to cuddle up and read to you before going to sleep
Everyday Rolan thinks about how much he loves and cherishes you, how much you've sacrificed over the years, and how lucky he is to be your husband
based on how I paced the progression of the relationship in the pining/dating post, I strongly feel that Rolan really blossoms as a person and as a partner only once you've gotten married
Before you guys got married, obviously he was already in love with you, already cherished you, and was already comfortable around you, etc. etc.
but all of that gets so much more amplified once you're married
Fully Comfortable Rolan is such a treasure
after even 6 months of marriage, he's so much more confident in how he touches you and how he talks to you, or the things he does for you
Married Rolan is touchier, he jokes more, he laughs more, he infodumps more! he's unstoppable!
This complete security also means it's easier for him to be vulnerable with you, he's more likely to open up to you about things that trouble him, eventually coming to you about them before you even have a chance to ask him what was wrong
a lot of his "attitude" in the past came from insecurity, so Secure Married Rolan is no longer snarky with strangers (unless they suck), and he no longer feels like he has to prove himself to others
He's calmer, he's more patient, he's more likely to offer help to others
Married Rolan eventually takes on students, or maybe an apprentice or two, and he's so good with them
Married Rolan is Matured Rolan - in the healthiest way (good for him !!!)
02. Domesticity:
Rolan takes such good care of you
Due to how he grew up, he has a lot of domestic skills that would stick with him for life
Having to take care of Cal and Lia for so long, both being much younger than him, he'd know a few level 1 healing spells, he'd know how to cook, he'd know how to mend clothing and get tough stains out of fabric
that night when you return to him after defeating the Absolute, he'd heal you as many times as you'd allow him to, even though he wasn't as skilled as a cleric
there were a few times during the events of the game when you'd come to see him and he'd notice a tear in your clothes - always insisting on sewing it back up for you
and once you're moved in together, he'd mend your clothing without even telling you - you'd just realize the hole in your favorite shirt is all patched up one day
Rolan's a good cook, and he loves to do it for you
and if you cooked for him, he'd 100% do the dishes
but he still wouldn't let you do the dishes when he cooks for you
He's always cleaning up around the tower, often without even realizing it
It's second nature for him to be tidy and whatnot, but it's also because he respects the tower so much - he wants to keep it as pristine as he can
just going around and putting things back in their spots, even something as little as putting a quill back in a drawer
After he becomes the master of the tower, he spends a lot of his free time rearranging furniture and decorations or replacing them altogether to make the tower feel more comfortable for him and his siblings
I also think that seeing all of Lorr*akan's belongings leaves a bad taste in his mouth, so redecorating the tower played a part in helping him move on from the whole situation
And once you moved in with him, he desperately wanted to make sure you felt at home
He didn't see it as you living in his home - it was your home just as much as it was his
He'd encourage you to have your own office and decorate it to your liking, and he'd always ask your opinion on something before buying it for the tower
Rolan never leaves clothes on the floor, he always makes the bed, he cleans up immediately after he's done cooking (honestly he starts cleaning up while in the middle of it, too)
he always makes sure his clothes are free from wrinkles, often running his hands over the clothes he's wearing to make sure nothing's creasing, and he'll do the same to you
Rolan has always been quite responsible with money since things were always tight growing up
he probably has more money than he knows what to do with after being the master of the tower for only a year
He'd save a lot of it in case something were to happen, but he also donates a good portion of it to various causes in the city
he'd be particularly fond of the organizations that care for orphans and help young people receive schooling
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Text
Thirsty (Adrian Chase x fem!reader)
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Rating: Explicit - 18+ only
Word Count: 7.5k
Warnings: SMUT, Mutual pining, Romance, Canon typical descriptions of murder and violence, Dubious consent (they are both kind of drunk), Oral (fem receiving), P in V, Safe sex (male condom), Multiple orgasms
Summary: Your job restocking vending machines takes you to businesses all over Evergreen - including Fennel Fields where the cute busboy keeps making eyes at you. (Based on this ask by @kpopgirlbtssvt)
A/N: There’s a part where Adrian picks the reader up over his shoulder but he is a very strong boi, I am confident he could shoulder carry any thirsty MF. PS My toxic trait is that I slip a reference to Scotland in literally everything I write.
Masterlist
Tag list: @likeficsinthewnd, @she-wolf09231982,
Chapter text:
The muscles in your forearms ache as you drag your hand cart, stacked with cases of soda and water, up the ramp at the back of Fennel Fields. 
You wheel your final delivery of the day straight into their break room, as usual, and park your cart beside the vending machine, ready to start your restock. You’re greeted amicably by the staff, who know you well enough that they’re not surprised to see you. 
But one particularly familiar face spots you from across the room and practically leaps off his chair. Adrian Chase looks forward to your weekly trip to Fennel Fields, and today he can’t help but notice the glow on your face from hauling your delivery. He wonders what else makes your face glow like that. He bets he could.
“Hey, stranger,” you say, and he blinks at you as if snapping out of something.
“Stranger? It’s me, Adrian.”
You grin. You can’t tell if he’s joking or not but either way, you find it sort of cute. And, yes, Taylor warned you to stop flirting with the hot but kind of dorky busboy because he’s gonna end up catching feelings, but there’s something fun about getting him all flustered and making his cheeks burn.
“I know, Adrian. I could never forget that pretty face,” you tease. He turns slightly pink. There it is. “Thirsty?” you ask.
“Yup, and wait til you see what I got you.”
This has been your routine at Fennel Fields for a few months now. You pick up some speciality soda while you’re delivering beverages across Washington and Adrian brings you something- usually a snack or anything else he thinks you might like.
“Three… two… one.” At the same time, you pull the soda out from your bag and Adrian hands you a small, blue rectangular box.
A cassette tape. Aqua- Aquarium. 
“Adrian! This is so sick- it’s so hard to find tapes these days.” You flip it over to read the tracklist. “I fucking love Barbie Girl.”
“Me too! And I noticed your Walkman, so I thought you could use some more music.” He looks down at the orange and blue soda can in his hands, reading the label. “IRN BRU?”
“This is the weirdest soda I’ve found yet. It’s like bubblegum cream soda but it burns.”
He cracks it open, takes a sip and looks confused. “I think I like it?” He takes another sip. “It’s like my mouth hates it but needs more.”
“I know, right?” You put the cassette in your bag and open the vending machine.
“Thanks for the soda.” He nods at your tired arms as you start loading in your delivery. “Sick forearm pump, by the way.”
“Uh, what?”
“Yeah! You can totally tell you’ve been working on them- they’re huge.”
You raise an eyebrow. It’s probably meant as a compliment, but you’re not sure how you feel about Adrian talking to you like you’re one of his bros at the gym. 
“I mean- not huge! Like normal. But nice. And-“
“Have you seen Taylor?” You decide to step in before he can dig this particular hole any deeper. “I need him to sign for this.”
“What’s up, Cuz?” Taylor appears from around a corner. 
You hold out your electronic POS and stylus, awaiting his signature. “Just need you to sign this, then I’m done for the night.”
“Nice!” says Adrian “You got any plans after this?”
“Depends on who’s asking,” you tease him, a small balloon swells up in your chest with excitement. You’ve never been sure whether Adrian’s always so excited to see you because he likes you or if he just really likes soda. 
“Uh, me,  Adrian. Remember?”
“Hey man, what did I tell you about hitting on my cousin?” Taylor gives him a stern look. “Don’t you have a pregnant girlfriend to be worried about?”
You’re surprised, to say the least. The fact that Adrian has a girlfriend (a pregnant one at that) but he still goes out of his way to exchange gifts with you every week is kind of disappointing. It reaffirms your belief that there are no decent men in this town.
“Yes! I mean, no. We, uh, we broke up.”
“Because of the party you tried to throw her?” asks Taylor.
Aw, that’s kind of sweet.
“Uh, yeah, she did not appreciate the abortion party.”
What the fuck?
Taylor signs for the delivery and hands you back the device, giving you a meaningful look- I told you so. The balloon of excitement in your chest feels well and truly punctured.
“But I mean, I’m not hung up on her or anything. I actually dumped her.”
Yup, no decent men alright.
You and Taylor exchange glances. You can practically hear the wet raspberry of the balloon deflating completely. 
“I’d better go. Thanks for the tape, dude,” you say a little more coolly than you’d intended in your hurry to hide your dismay before wheeling your cart out of the break room.
“Hey, let me help you with that,” Adrian’s voice calls from behind you, but Taylor grabs the door before he can.
“I got it, man.” 
Taylor walks with you to the van. You lean up against the cab door in exasperation. Taylor offers you a cigarette which you go to accept, but he retracts the packet.
“Nuh-uh, let’s hear it first.”
“Fine,” you sigh. “You are so full of wisdom, as always, and I will forever heed your dating advice from now until the end of time,” you concede to Taylor, snatching a cigarette. He grins and lights you both up.
“Y’know what the weird thing is? I don’t think he ever had a girlfriend.”
You exhale a puff of smoke in surprise. “What was that about then?”
“I dunno. I caught him out here celebrating one night, and he made up a weird abortion party story. I think he was really out here dancing because Peacemaker came into the restaurant-“
“Peacemaker?! Jeez, isn’t that guy in jail?”
“Musta released him. But I think Adrian was being an excited fanboy and got embarrassed when I saw him. Dude’s a serial liar- I thought he’d come clean if I asked him about it in front of you.”
You lean your head back against the van. “Where are all the decent men in Evergreen?” You lament and start rhyming off, counting on your fingers. “They’re either obsessed with capes, racists, racist capes or racists who are obsessed with capes!”
“Well, speaking of capes, it’s getting dark. You better hit the road before you run into that nutcase, Vigilante.”
“Yeah, or the escaped gorilla,” you laugh, stubbing out your cigarette. 
“Put that in the trash or you’ll end up with a bullet in your head for littering.”
“I’ve charmed my way out of worse situations. Besides, maybe he’ll be the one to sweep me off my feet.”
“Vigilante? Or the gorilla?”
“Honestly, at this point, I’d take either.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The following afternoon, your delivery route sends you off down the highway. It’s not a glamorous job, stocking vending machines at different businesses all over the place, but it’s easy, and you can listen to your own music. It takes you all across this little corner of Washington, and the more you see, the more grateful you are that you get to live in this beautiful, rocky state.
Even if there isn’t a single eligible man to be found on your entire route. You still feel a little crestfallen thinking about Adrian Chase. Why was he so intent on lying to Taylor yesterday? How deep does his Peacemaker obsession go if he was that embarrassed?
You pull up to the back of the Glan Tai bottling plant on the outskirts of Evergreen, put on your headphones and turn on your Walkman. You want to keep a low profile because the clients are much weirder here than the rest- Adrian Chase excluded.
They weren’t always like this. The facilities manager at Glan Tai was a friendly old man - Clive- who let you use their bathroom, and gave you filter coffee from a polystyrene cup to ease your two-hour journey home. Until one day recently, Clive wasn’t so friendly anymore. New management, you expected.
Head down, you drag your cart through the service entrance and make your way to their storage room. Aqua blasts in your ears as you wheel your way along the corridor. There are loud bangs and the ground vibrates slightly, but it’s nothing out of the ordinary in a site with heavy machinery. 
You get to the room where they keep the IT equipment, files and vending machine and start unloading. You feel a heavy hand on your shoulder and pull your headphones down around your neck.
“Oh, sorry Clive, I didn’t see you-“ 
You freeze, icy fear spreading through your veins as you find yourself face to face with - you’ve gotta be fucking kidding me - the escaped gorilla from the zoo.
You scream. Loudly.
Two people burst into the room, startling the gorilla. It backs away from you. For a second, you think they’re factory workers running to your rescue. But they slam and bolt the storage room door shut behind them.
“No! Unlock the door!”
They whip around and point their guns at you. You drop the case of water you’re holding and hold your hands up in surrender.
One of them, you recognise from the news. A man in a black and teal suit, armed to the hilt, with his face almost entirely obscured- except by a red visor covering his eyes.
It’s him. It’s Vigilante. And a blonde woman you don’t recognise. 
He lowers his gun and nudges hers away from your direction.
“Shoot her before she kills us both!” snaps the woman, irritated. 
“She’s not a butterfly,” says Vigilante, his voice muffled behind his mask. “I know her.”
He knows me? How?
“I’m just delivering water, I swear!” You beg her, looking between them. 
Just then, the gorilla appears from behind the shelves and launches the blonde woman across the room.
An involuntary yelp of shock escapes you again and the gorilla returns its attention to you. Thinking fast, you tip your cart forward, and the giant ape trips up on the cascade of cans and bottles.
“You didn’t think to tell us there was a gorilla in here?!” Comes the annoyed blonde woman’s voice from behind a broken table.
“I was preoccupied with the guns in my face!” 
The door to the storage room is blasted open and another woman bursts in, followed by none other than Peacemaker.
Adrian would lose his shit right now, you think to yourself.
Peacemaker looks at you through the eyeholes of his helmet “She’s clear, Adebayo” and the other woman lowers her gun. The gorilla gets up. “Oh shit!” says Peacemaker as it sends a swipe in your direction, sending you tumbling off your feet and onto the floor.
You cower in the corner as they fight the gorilla. Vigilante stabs it but it bats him away easily and does the same to the woman called Adebayo. Peacemaker launches himself onto the gorilla’s back but the beast throws him off onto the hard floor.
“Die, human!” 
Did that gorilla just speak? What have you gotten yourself into?
The gorilla raises its fists, ready to crush Peacemaker, when a man with an oddly patchy beard runs through the door, chainsaw in hand and proceeds to kill the gorilla, sawing it almost in half and sending blood splattering everywhere. 
A small winged creature crawls out of the dead gorilla’s mouth. The blonde woman gets to her feet and shoots it casually. What the…? Was that some kind of parasite?
The gunshot leaves your ears ringing but hearing your name whispered in your ear brings you back to reality. You blink stupidly at Vigilante, who is now crouched down inches from your face and you try to make out his eyes through the red visor. You know those eyes. But how? How does the mass murderer of Evergreen know you?
He hooks his arms under yours, lifts you to your feet and wipes the smattering of blood off your face. Your heart is racing as you continue to stare at him silently, dumbfounded. You know you should be scared of this masked man, who’s wanted on multiple counts of murder. But here he is, claiming he knows you, making sure you’re okay.
“What do we do with her?” asks the bearded man with the chainsaw. 
“Who, me?” you try and sound nonchalant. “I didn’t see anything. I’ll just get out of your beard- hair! I mean hair.” You go to put your headphones back over your ears but the blonde woman rips them off.
“Hey!” Vigilante steps between you and her. “Look, she’s cool. She says she didn’t see anything, so she didn’t”
“How do you know she’s not a butterfly?” she challenges Vigilante.
“X-ray helmet,” interjects Peacemaker. “No butterfly in that pretty little noggin.” He winks at you and Vigilante bristles, folding his arms in an irritated sort of way.
“Listen, I’ve got like four more deliveries today so…” You trail off as your body starts to go on autopilot. There’s an awkward silence as they watch you bustle around, stacking the blood-covered cases of water and soda back onto your cart.
“She’s clearly in shock,” says Adebayo, more gently than the blonde. 
“Hey, let me help you with that,” says a muffled voice from behind you.
‘Hey, let me help you with that.’
In the exact same cadence as yesterday. 
“A-Adrian?” you say hoarsely and you turn back around in time to watch Vigilante drop the case of water. “Adrian Chase?!” you repeat, your voice slightly hysterical. 
“No!” says Adrian unconvincingly but at the same time Peacemaker says:
“Godammit Vij. How does she know you?”
Adrian groans in frustration. “She delivers drinks to my job too!”
“That settles it- she’s a witness and she knows Vigilante’s identity. Adebayo, you need to end this. Don’t make her beg for her life like the other guy,” commands the blonde woman, clearly in charge of the team.
“Nonononononono,” Adrian stands in front of you with his arms folded. “No way. I am not letting you kill her.”
“That’s an order, Adebayo. Vigilante- move.”
“Wait,” says the guy with the beard. “She might actually be useful, Harcourt.”
Harcourt raises her eyebrows. “Well?”
“We’re looking for other leads, right? Other places where the butterflies are?” He looks at you. “Hey, water girl. Does this company have any other locations?”
“Y-yes,” your throat feels dry.
“Can you tell us where they are?” he asks.
“Will you let me live if I tell you?”
Everyone looks at Harcourt. She groans. “Fine. But we’re gonna need to figure out what to do with her to keep her from blabbering.”
“C’mon, she already said she was cool!” says Adrian.
“And you trust her?”
“One hundo percent.” He gives you a reassuring thumbs up.
“I wouldn’t trust his judgement,” says Peacemaker and you immediately feel faint. It must be obvious on your face because he backtracks. “No! Not that we should kill her! Definitely not. But Adrian would trust any hot girl. We can’t just let her go.”
Harcourt pinches the bridge of her nose as she thinks. 
“Vigilante,” she says finally. “I’m telling Murn that water girl is your responsibility. You’re going to keep her with you 24/7 until the mission is over. Any fuck-up, if she does or says anything that jeopardizes our objective, she’s dead and you’ll be doing black ops in Belize. Got it?”
“Cool, got it!” says Adrian enthusiastically, as if that isn’t the most horrifying thing he’s ever heard.
“Wait, don’t I get a say in this? I have a job! I have people who will be looking for me.”
“Do you want to cooperate or do you want to die?” 
“Which one do you wanna do?” asks Adrian.
If you hadn’t already figured out that Vigilante was Adrian Chase, that would have been the dead giveaway.
A few moments later, Adrian is leading you by the hand back through the factory to where your van is parked while you cover your eyes with one hand. He had suggested it after your knees almost gave way when you saw the pile of bodies at the door. And he liked that you had rejected Peacemaker’s offer to hoist you over his shoulder and carry you out.
“Oh, no… Clive,” you whisper, making the mistake of opening your eyes and seeing the old man crumpled on the floor, next to the coffee machine. You cover your eyes again.
“Watch you don’t slip in the blood here,” says Adrian gently, guiding you to side-step.
You groan. You think you might puke. 
“I can’t believe you killed all these people,” you whisper, wishing you could disassociate from this whole thing.
“We didn’t, not really- I promise. I’ll explain on the ride home.”
Harcourt instructs Adrian to drive your van, following theirs back to Evergreen. When you’re both out of earshot and in your van, Adebayo sits in the driver’s seat turning to Harcourt, Peacemaker and Economos. “Isn’t it kind of weird seeing Vigilante like this?”
“Like what?” asks Economos.
“Like, compassionate, sweet… not all hell-bent on murder?”
Peacemaker shrugs “He’s like this all the time. You should hear the way he talks about this other girl, his friend Taylor’s sister, or cousin, I think. He’s just a sucker for anyone who’s nice to him.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hours later, you’re sitting on the couch in your apartment, waiting for Adrian to finish up in the shower.
On the drive to their headquarters, Adrian had explained all about their mission and how an alien race called ‘the butterflies’ had taken over the bodies of (and, therefore, killed) all those people in the factory long before Adrian’s team had arrived.
At headquarters, you had told them everything you knew about your clients at Glan Tai and had given them the coordinates for their other delivery location- a small farm thirty miles north of the factory. Murn seemed to be satisfied with your intel and approved of Harcourt’s plan to have Adrian keep you under close surveillance. Great. 
Adrian grabbed his go-bag from his Sebring and drove the two of you in your van back to your apartment, where you immediately ran to the shower, to try and rid yourself of all the negative feelings from today.
He now appears in your living room, fresh out of the shower in a pale blue t-shirt and jeans, looking much less out of place than when he was in his full combat gear. But he still stands awkwardly, not sure what to do with himself. 
“Thirsty?” you ask him. “I’ve got wine.”
“I shouldn’t. I’m supposed to be keeping an eye on you.”
You find two wine glasses and place them on the coffee table. He sits on the edge of your couch. “What am I gonna do, Adrian?” You open up a bottle of red wine and start pouring. “I could barely stand seeing all that shit at the factory. Do you really think I’m gonna kill you?” You slide a glass towards him and start filling your own. 
He looks down at the wine but doesn’t touch it. You raise your glass. “To forgetting the worst day of my life.”
“The worst day of your life? Today was awesome!” He looks genuinely surprised that you’re not sharing his elation. “We killed a ton of butterflies, and now thanks to you, we know where they keep their cow.”
It’s a sentence that wouldn’t have made sense to you a few hours ago. And you hate that it does now.
“We’re saving the world,” he continues. “And you helped!”
You push his wine glass closer to him. “To saving the world, then.”
He takes a sip and screws up his face. “Do you have any beer? Ooh, or soda!”
“It’s in the van. And most of it’s covered in blood now.”
“Then this is great,” he says, a little too politely. 
“If you’re not used to it, the first glass tastes like acetone,” you tell him, draining yours. “But the second one…” You pause, pouring yourself another. “The second goes down real smooth.”
Adrian copies you and gulps down the red wine. You refill his glass, and he takes another sip.
“The second one isn’t so bad, actually.” He sounds surprised. 
You sink down on the couch next to him. “So now what?” you ask. He looks confused, so you elaborate. “What do you usually do with hostages all night?”
“You’re not a hostage!” He looks offended. “I’m more like your bodyguard.”
“Oh yeah? Who are you guarding me from? Your friends?”
He looks up over his glasses in thought. “Well, just Harcourt. And Murn. But it’s mostly to keep you safe from the butterflies.”
You take another drink of wine. Studying his face, you think he’s telling the truth. He really doesn’t consider you to be his hostage. As you look him over, you realise you’ve never noticed how curly his hair is before- he’s normally wearing that dorky little Fennel Fields hat. 
You’ve always thought he was cute in a wholesome kind of way but now that he’s out of his work uniform, you can appreciate that he’s, like, ridiculously, conventionally handsome. You wonder if he knows it. You wonder a lot of things about Adrian, especially now that, come to think of it, everything you know about him is probably a lie to keep his secret identity hidden.
“Truth or dare?” you blurt. 
“What?”
“Go on.” You gesture towards him with your glass. “We’ve got a long night. I want to find out more about you. Adrian. Vigilante.”
He looks excited. Maybe it’s the prospect of playing a game, or maybe he’s just happy someone wants to know more about him. Both sides of him.
“Truth then.”
“Does your pregnant ex-girlfriend exist?”
He groans and leans his head back on the couch, staring at the ceiling. “No. I was just trying to cover how stoked I was that Peacemaker was out of jail.” 
You laugh, but your eyes linger on his exposed neck and the way his Adam’s apple moves when he talks.
He turns his head to look over at you through his wire-rimmed glasses. “I don’t think Taylor likes me.”
“Taylor likes you just fine,” you lie, sipping your wine.
“Truth or dare?” asks Adrian.
“Truth.”
“Has Taylor ever told you that you shouldn’t date me?”
“Ugh, fine. Yes. He told me not to give you my number.”
“Why?!”
“If you want to ask a follow-up question, then you need to take a drink. That’s the rule.” He does so- quickly. “Okay, fine. He says he doesn’t trust you because you’re always lying about things, and it kind of annoys everyone because you’re a bad liar.”
“Everyone?! I thought we were talking about Taylor?”
“If you want to be liked and have a secret identity, you need to be a better liar.”
“Okay, that’s fair,” admits Adrian, twisting the stem of the glass between his fingers. “Your turn, truth or dare?”
“Dare.”
He thinks for a couple of beats. “I dare you to finish your drink.”
“Are you trying to get me drunk?”
“It was the only dare I could think of that wasn’t a sexy dare.”
The newly formed idea of Adrian asking you to do something sexy for him makes you pause. Warmth pools deep in your tummy as watches you, waiting. God, why does red wine always make you feel so slutty? You raise your eyebrows over the rim of your glass, and you drain the rest of the liquid. “Why don’t you want to give me a sexy dare?” you ask, setting your glass down.
“I dunno, don’t you think there’s kind of a power imbalance?” 
“That’s true. You are my bodyguard after all.” You nod contemplatively. “And I guess it would be awkward since you need to stay here for a few more days.”
“Oh, I meant-” Adrian cuts himself off. What he really meant would sound incredibly childish now. 
You get up from the couch to retrieve another bottle of wine from the breakfast bar that separates your kitchen from your living room. “Go on, what did you mean?”
“No, I meant what you said.” 
No, he didn’t. What he meant is that you have all the power because he has such a huge crush on you. And the way the wine is going to his head, he’s not sure he trusts himself to give you a dare without it having an ulterior motive. Adrian watches as you twist the corkscrew into the bottle with precision. Your chest jiggles in your tank top with the recoil of your arm extracting the cork, and it makes Adrian blush bright red. He discreetly adjusts himself in his jeans.
You bring the new bottle of wine over to the couch and sit down cross-legged, your back leaning against the armrest so you can get a better look at him without constantly straining. Fuck, he’s gorgeous like this, you think, as he gets comfortable, changing position so he can look at you too. In the soft light of your living room, you can make out that his cheeks are pink again. “Does wine usually make you flush like that?” you ask. 
“Uh, I wouldn’t know. Can wine do that?”
“To some people, yeah. For me, it just makes me feel kinda sexy.” You clap your hand to your mouth, watching Adrian’s eyes widen. “Ugh! Sorry, I wouldn’t have said that if I hadn’t had two glasses already.” You scoff and shake your head. “Truth or dare?”
“Truth.”
The wine is making you feel bolder. “Have you had sex in your Vigilante costume?”
“Today?”
You almost choke on your newly poured drink with laughter. 
“Okay, that answers that question. In which case, I have a follow-up,” You take a sip, pointedly. “What’s Vigilante’s favourite sex position?”
“Oh, uh…” Adrian thinks back to when he last had sex as Vigilante, with Amber and Peacemaker a few days ago. “Any, I guess.”
“Any? C’mon, you picked truth!”
“It is the truth! I don’t take my mask off, or my suit if I don’t have to. So it always feels the same. Fun, I guess, but sorta uncomfortable. Funcomfortable.”
You smile and rest your head on your hand, elbow leaning on the back of the couch. “What about Adrian?”
“Is that another follow-up question?”
You acquiesce and take another drink but before you can even swallow he says “Missionary.”
“Boring,” you tease but he doesn’t seem fazed.
“It’s not. Not when you really like someone anyway. Missionary is fucking great - when you can kiss them, hold their hand, stare into their eyes…” He pauses, his green eyes burning into yours. “Boring is not being able to even taste someone because of my mask.”
You realise you’ve been holding your breath. You look away and exhale slowly, trying to steady the growing arousal burning hot, deep in your pelvic floor. 
“Are you okay?”
“Yeah, I-” When you raise your head again, he’s still looking at you intently. “I just realised I haven’t been fucked like that in a really long time.”
He shakes his head. “Yeah right! I bet you go on tons of dates.”
“I do,” you admit with a tilt of your head. “But did you know that like 90% of women don’t orgasm on a one-night stand?”
Adrian’s eyebrows knit together “That doesn’t sound right. Women always cum when I-”
“That’s what all men say, Adrian. But honestly, I don’t think a man has made me cum in, like, the entire time I’ve been single.”
“I could,” he says, matter-of-factly. It’s not a boast, it’s a simple statement. 
Honestly, you're not sure if it’s the alcohol or the vivid image you have of Adrian making you clutch at your bedsheets and moan his name, but something’s making the blood rush to your face and other parts of your body that you’re still desperately trying not to think about. 
“I’ll do it right now if you want?” 
He’s asking if he can try to make you cum as casually as if asking if he can help you restock the vending machine. It’s bolder than you’d expected from the shy busboy. Then again, you’d never expected him to be Vigilante either… maybe you should review all the preconceptions you have of him.
Your abdomen clenches. Fuck, you can feel how hot and sticky your underwear is as he blinks at you behind his glasses, waiting for your response.
You look at his face hungrily, eyes lingering on his lips, now stained with red wine. “Adrian, listen. I’m sure you’re very good, blah blah blah. But I just… I don’t want to set you up for disappointment. It’s kind of hard to make me cum.”
“Let me give it a shot. And if I can make you cum, you let me take you on a date.”
You stare at him, feeling your chest pounding as you contemplate his offer. There’s something about his voice that’s so sincere and so fucking desperate for you, your brain can’t think of a reason not to say yes.
“Truth or dare?” he asks, breaking the silence.
“Truth.”
“Do you want me to go down on you? I’m really good at it.”
Yes! You want to scream- already stupidly soaking fucking wet at the mere idea of it. 
Instead, you squeeze your eyes shut and nod. “I can’t believe we’re doing this.”
“Yeah?” His tone makes you think that he wasn’t really expecting you to say yes.
“Yes, Adrian.” You laugh in disbelief. “If you make me cum, you can take me on a date.” He grins and you shift inelegantly, not sure how to proceed. “So… how do you wanna-”
Adrian pounces on you before you can ask the question, his red-stained lips crashing against yours. You kiss him back- hard. You’re thirsty for him, you realise, as you taste the alcohol mixed with the slightly metallic taste of his saliva. You want to drain him, drown in him.
He groans when you grab the nape of his neck and suck on his bottom lip. He can’t believe that you’re kissing him like this- like it’s you who’s been pining after him and not the other way around.
You pause, lips barely touching his. “Fuck, I’ve wanted to kiss you like this for so long,” you whisper.
“You- you have?”
“Adrian, I spend half my week trying to find you new kinds of speciality soda just so I have an excuse to talk to you.”
“Oh.” Realisation dawns on him. All this time he just thought you were really, really into soda. 
Adrian gives you one last deep kiss and pulls away. He gets on his knees on the floor, and the sight of him there, with his hands on your hips and his body between your legs, makes your cunt clench. You bite your lips in anticipation.
His fingertips hook the hem of your sweatpants. “Can I take these off?” You lift your hips, permitting him to remove them.
“Fuck,” he breathes, staring at your pussy.
“Adrian…” You mumble, suddenly self-conscious. Exposed. You try to bring your knees together, but he places a hand on each of your thighs, holding them firmly open. 
“You’re wet already,” he says, in a self-satisfied sort of way that makes your skin feel like it’s on fire. “When did that happen? Was it when I said I’d make you cum?”
You shake your head. “When I was wondering what kind of sexy dare you wanted to give me.”
He grins “I wanted to dare you to take your top off.” He traces a finger along your hot, wet folds. You gasp, feeling the calloused texture of his fingertip brushing up and down against your skin.
“Like this?” You lift your tank top up and over your head, tossing it aside and then you squeeze your tits together. 
He sits on the floor, lips parted slightly in awe. You feel like he’s looking at you like you’re the most-
“You’re the most beautiful fucking thing I’ve ever seen.”
Now you really are embarrassed but before you can respond, he dips the finger that was sliding along your folds into your pussy. You bite your lip to stifle the vulnerable, blissful sigh that leaves you.
“It’s okay- you can moan for me.” He reassures, pushing a thick finger in and up. You feel your walls squeezing around him in response. “God, you’re so tight around my finger.”
“Fuck-” you plead, as he teases you, gently stroking your g-spot. His lips haven’t even touched you yet and you already feel like you’re having to consciously stop yourself from cumming.
“You needed this, huh?” he asks and you watch as he kisses your inner thigh, sucking the sensitive skin there. You have to look away- just the sight of his jaw muscles moving as he traces his tongue along the crevice where your thigh meets your body almost sends you over the brink.
“Adrian, I’m- fuck-” After all your warnings about how difficult it would be to make you cum, you’re are shamefully close already- and Adrian knows it. Everything below your waist is hot and shaking and swollen as his finger curls up inside you, tapping rhythmically. 
“Wait not yet- I’ve got to taste you. I want you to cum on my tongue.”
Warmth envelopes your clit as Adrian opens his mouth and slowly glides his tongue over the bundle of nerves there, tasting you for the first time. He barely moves at all but you’re so close that just the pressure of his mouth on you sends the crashing wave of your orgasm rolling across his hot tongue. Your back arches and your walls clamp down around his finger. 
He lets out a groan, sending pleasant vibrations across your clit. 
“Shit, Adrian-”
Blinding lights appear somewhere between your eyelids and the centre of the universe. Your thighs tense as the pleasure shoots through your body, your pussy flooding his mouth between your legs. 
When you finally stop twitching he removes his tongue from you, giving you a moment’s respite. 
“That was, like, really easy,” he smirks as you run your hands through your hair in disbelief. “I didn’t even have to take my glasses off.”
“I’ve never-” You try to catch your breath, blinking at him. You’re not sure you’ve even made yourself cum that quickly before. “That’s never happened -so fast- ever.”
“I shoulda asked what two orgasms would get me.”
“Literally anything. Do whatever you want with me-” you babble, staring up at the ceiling. You pause to look down when you feel him remove his finger from inside you. 
And he takes off his glasses, ready to make you a fucking mess.
It’s the singular hottest action you’ve ever seen anyone do in your entire life- Adrian Chase is going to be the end of you.
He hooks his arms behind your knees, lifting your ass off of the couch and pulling you towards him. 
“You’re so beautiful like this,” he says, mesmerised by the way your chest still heaves in the aftershock of your orgasm. Adrian buries his face between your legs, delving his tongue between your lips and exploring your entrance.
He pulls back for a second “I knew you’d taste so fucking good.” 
Fuck. 
You watch as he sucks on two of his fingers and sinks them deep inside you, up to his knuckles. When you repeat his name over and over, he answers by flicking his tongue over your clit.
You gasp at the sensation and grab a fistful of his thick, curly hair. His tongue rolls gentle circles around your clit as his fingers work in and out, softly stretching your pussy. Adrian takes his time now and it’s agonising. 
For so long he’s been having sex as Vigilante. Adrian’s missed this, the freedom of having his mask off. Of taste. And he can’t believe that it’s you that he’s devouring. 
Fuck, and you could lie here like this forever, just enjoying him exploring you, like he wants nothing more than to make you gush all over him and cry his name again. Normally you’d feel under pressure to perform, to give him that second orgasm he’s so determined to draw from you, but the way he’s taking his time, lazily swirling his tongue in circles, and curling his fingers into you makes you dissolve into a puddle.
“Fuuuck,” you whine helplessly, feeling the familiar sensation of you losing yourself, the heat that’s been slowly building deep in your core threatening to boil over. “Can we do this, like, the whole time you’re here protecting me?” Your eyes try to find his but he’s staring at your tits. His other hand is on your hip, fingers not quite stretching up towards you - as if unsure what the boundary is on touching you when it comes to this silly little deal you’ve made.
You pull his hand to your chest, encouraging him to squeeze you. He moans needily between wet, sloppy licks. The sound of him being so turned on just from touching your body, when you haven’t laid a hand on him yet sends ecstasy searing through you.
And it comes, whipping through your core and cracking like thunder. You squeeze your thighs around his head and he lets you set the pace, as you grind yourself wildly onto his tongue, his lips, his chin. Adrian groans in encouragement when you grip the back of his head, his fingers still pressing into your g-spot as you press yourself against his mouth. 
You cum hard again, your rocking hips eventually shuddering to a halt as he gives you a few last long, slow licks. The faint prickle of embarrassment you feel from letting yourself come undone like that vanishes when you see Adrian’s face light up, his lips swollen and sticky, totally enamoured by your now slightly dishevelled appearance. 
His mouth looks irresistible. You slink down off the couch to join him on the floor so you can kiss him desperately. Fuck, why did you ever listen to Taylor? You needed this. Needed him. You taste the sweet, salty juices on Adrian’s lips and on his tongue.
“I’ll admit-” you breathe, pressing your forehead against his. “- you’re like really, really fucking good at that.”
“Told you.” He leans on the couch and gets to his feet. “So, where’s your bedroom?”
“Uh, down the hall, across from the bathroom. Why?”
“Two orgasms and I can do what I want with you. Deal’s a deal.” Before your brain can catch up, he hoists you to your feet and over his shoulder, making you squeal involuntarily with delight.
Oh my fucking god.
Adrian slaps your ass and carries you through to your bedroom, tossing you onto your bed where you burst into a fit of giggles. He smells warm and clean, like your favourite shower gel he must have used earlier. He crawls on top of you and plants tiny kisses all over your lips, your cheeks, your nose- every inch of your face and neck peppered with his affection. 
He pulls off his T-shirt and - Jesus Christ, he has abs. But you also notice his torso is covered in scars and bruises, the evidence of his double life painted across his body. A streak of white scar tissue here, a purple welt there-
“Don’t girls usually ask about all these injuries?” You ask, tracing your hand down his chest.
“I usually keep my suit on.” He shrugs.
And that’s when you realise- he doesn’t just happen to have sex as Vigilante. He only has sex as Vigilante. You feel a pang of understanding, thinking about the way he so wistfully described missionary earlier. You’re the only one who’s seen him like this. Both sides of him.
Adrian undoes his belt buckle and looks down at you lying spread out of the bedsheets in front of him, still flushed and glowing. He knew he’d be able to make you glow like that.
He pauses. “Do, uh, do you have a condom? I wasn’t expecting to…”
You find a condom in your bedside drawer while he undresses and then you help to put it on him as you kiss the small trail of dark hair below his belly button. He’s big- bigger than what you’re used to. You’d really, really like to suck it, you think. But Adrian has other ideas. He guides you back to lie on your pillows and climbs on top of you.
Wanton anticipation bubbles over inside you, you sigh needily as he kisses your neck and brings his calloused hand between your legs again. He slides his fingers into your folds and you hear the wet sounds of him rubbing your slick on his cock. It’s greedy but you’re already impatient for him- you want to cum for him again.
He positions himself at your entrance and looks into your eyes. “You okay?” he murmurs.
“Yes,” you breathe. “Fuck me- please.”
The way you plead makes him twitch- he can’t take it anymore. The erection he’s had since you opened that second bottle of wine is throbbing. Adrian’s hips press into you and you feel his cock pushing through your folds, into your centre. A soft whimper escapes your lips as you feel him filling you up, the walls of your pussy struggling to accommodate him.
Watching your reaction, he double checks “Sure you’re okay?” 
You nod. Because it aches - but in the best kind of way. 
“Good,” he says. “Because you feel so good. Your pussy feels so fucking good around me.”
You wrap your legs around his waist. Fuck, he has such a slutty little waist, you think to yourself as he grinds into you, pushing deeper, the head of his cock pressing into your g-spot. You slip your hand between your bodies to touch yourself and he moans quietly in your ear.
“Oh my god, yeah. Fuck, rub your clit because I’m not gonna last long.”
He clasps your other hand, fingers intertwining with yours- half holding it, half pinning it to the bed. Your body writhes under him, leaning your head back into your pillows and he takes the opportunity to suck at your freshly exposed neck.
“You look so good taking it so deep like this,” he groans, tilting his head down to watch his cock slide in and out of you. “I can’t believe I’m fucking inside you.”
Everything he says makes the hairs on the back of your arms stand up. You feel so, deliciously full- the indecent slapping and squelching noises as he picks up pace and pounds into you only makes you wetter.
Your legs squeeze around his waist as your whole body tightens like a spring coiling, ready to be released. The friction of his body moves yours, driving you into your mattress, and putting even more rhythmic pressure on your fingers against your clit. 
“Adrian, I’m- ah, fuck- I’m gonna cum again.”
“Fuck, look at me. I want you to cum when I cum. Let it all out for me.”
You try and keep eye contact with him while bliss rockets through your body as his hips slam into you harder. It spreads from your centre right down your legs, now in a vice-like grip around him. You curse his name incoherently, your pussy tightening and releasing as you cum around his cock. 
“That’s it- fuckfuckfuckfuck-” His full weight collapses on you as he empties himself. You feel Adrian’s cock pulsing inside you as he groans your name and comes to a halt.
You both lie there for a few moments, Adrian breathing raggedly into the crook of your neck, his heartbeat and yours pounding against each other. Your euphoria is interrupted only briefly when he pulls out of you and disposes of the condom. 
Adrian returns to your bed and pulls you into his chest. 
“I am never listening to Taylor ever again,” you say, face pressed against his pectoral muscles.
“Yeah?”
“I mean, unless…” You tilt your head up to look at him. “You still want to take me on a date right?”
“Are you crazy? Of course, I do. Why wouldn’t I?”
“Nevermind.” The dating scene in Evergreen has sucked so hard for so long, your first thought was that he might not want to see you again.
He grabs your face with both hands, trying to drum sense into you. “I’ve wanted to ask you out for months. You’re not getting rid of me.”
Adrian plants a kiss on your forehead.
Maybe there is a decent man in this town after all.
1K notes · View notes
mosaickiwi · 3 months
Text
14DWY As a Drama AU
Hey remember when I said I’d post this in February oopsies!! (don’t ask me about demon!ren i will cry)
Open at your own risk this thing is LONG. Tried to give everyone at least a little something! upon putting this in my drafts i realized olivia exists i'll add her at some point uhhh. Also you can tell how much I love Elanor... hehe
14 Days With You is an 18+ Yandere Visual Novel. MINORS DNI
The cult classic romantic thriller, 14 Days With You, is now a drama! Coming to all your favorite streaming platforms this summer. A whirlwind romance gone right and wrong that you DON’T want to miss.
Cast List
[REDACTED]
🖤 Quiet kid that used the after school theater program to delay returning home. Never wanted to perform, but loved doing costumes, make up, and correcting others (in his mind) on how to portray their roles. 
🖤 Spent a little extra time perfecting the costumes of a certain someone who didn't even know they existed. He always traded house chores with his sister so she'd sit in the audience to solely film Tree #2's performance.
🖤 Was an apprentice special effects makeup artist after graduation at first, particularly for horror films, but it didn't exactly pay the bills when they left home.
🖤 Easily rose to the top in their acting career due to his dedication for crafting characters to perfection. 
🖤 Dolly Parton/Lady Gaga-esque in their separation of work and life—completely unrecognizable in their regular civilian attire. Paparazzi have never gotten a picture of them in all their years trying.
🖤 Has zero issues getting into character, but does "method acting" on occasion to make sure people leave them alone on set. And also to fuck with directors and producers they don't like. Notoriously difficult to work with because of it + their overall attitude towards others, still gets hired somehow.
🖤 Got offered the role as the main love interest in 14DWY without an audition, thanks to a previous manipulative pink haired character he played in a film that ended up never being released. (2017 Ren because it's funny)
 Angel (you!)
💜 Participated in the same after school theater program as [REDACTED] and Leon for a few semesters before you got bored of it. Curiosity for acting resurfaced later in life.
💜 Newbie actor at the recently formed talent agency of your friend. Only starred as non-speaking roles or background characters in small productions until the drama. You moved back to Corland Bay after uni for the better industry prospects.
💜 You initially auditioned for a very small role in the drama as an employee in a seaside shop at first, but somehow you wound up as the lead? (un)lucky you.
💜 Feel free to fill in the blank for any whys and hows you think of to fit your OC/self/sona as you so please <3
Elanor
💖 Normally an actress and casting director, first time as an executive producer for the drama. Dreams of bringing her own romantic screenplays to life. Hasn't quite proven herself the way she wants in the industry to feel confident enough in them. 
💖 Catalyst for the drama being made. A "friend" mistakenly recommended the 14DWY book to her. She absolutely loathes all the psychological horror of it but sees the potential it has.
💖 Also the reason [REDACTED] was immediately cast, and you as well once she saw your chemistry with him while reading for a minor role. He hadn't shown a fraction of as much interest when reading lines with other potential candidates, so she decided to take the risk of an untested talent as the headliner.
💖 Refuses to use her family's name to get her stuff made. She wants her works to speak for themselves. Very picky about who she works with due to her family having hands in most of Corland's entertainment industry so she hardly gets a genuine interaction beyond ass-kissing.
💖 Always partial to working with Conan's small studio since he was the only director to give her any sort of criticism in spite of her family, as gentle and polite as it was. She still cried a little in the dressing room though.
💖 Genuine confusion when Conan wants her to act as both a producer and assist with direction. She only intended to bring it to his interest. But how could she say no to someone whose judgment and opinion she respects so much?
Conan
💖 Runs and owns a small scale studio in the Bay that seems to pick and choose its productions at random. It is in fact Alice sneaking into her dad's home office and putting scented stickers on the ones she likes. (She only reads the titles)
💖 Extremely proud of Elanor for getting so far on her own, and would take on one of her dozens of scripts no questions asked if she'd only work up the courage to show him one. So imagine his surprise when she comes to him with a romantic horror instead of one of the fairy tale romances he sees her scribbling notes on during breaks.
💖 While he’s the one with the final say, he does try to let Elanor have as much free reign as possible on the project in the hopes to boost her confidence.
Kiara
💖 A super-star actress and model that got her start in Corland’s local industry, but quickly hit it big. 
💖 When she isn’t drowning in work, she’ll swing through town to check in on her sister.
💖 Desperately wants to star in one of Elanor’s productions, but respects her sister’s desire for independence. Though she does like to tease about certain casting decisions on the drama when made aware of them.
the rest of the cast are unfortunately very silly i couldn't resist
Moth
💖 Started a talent agency out of spite for the terrible castings in their favorite media. Got further invested upon realizing they could read the scripts before the movies or show adaptations were even announced.
💖 The one who pushed you to audition for a minor role in the production once the rumor about who was cast as the main love interest reaches them. They've heard all the horror stories about [REDACTED] so wanted the inside scoop. Horrified and fascinated to find out you get the lead role. It’s like watching a train wreck.
Leon
💖 Joined the theater program initially because of you, but got really into it. Moved away to attend a performing arts school until his mother got sick.
💖 Took every wacky infomercial or street performance gig he could find to pay the hospital bills until Teo found out and swooped in.
💖 Eternally grateful for the burden of financial ruin being relieved, so he always accepts the jobs Teo gets for him. He definitely won’t complain since he’s not dressed in an animal costume and shouting nonsensical slogans for cleaning products.
Teo
💖 Met Leon through a shared production and quickly bonded. Attended a different performing arts school and met Jae as a child.
💖 Almost the exact opposite of his game character purely for the funnies. Shy, introverted, can’t flirt to save his life. Still a nepo baby but he can hold his own in acting. Doesn’t like his character much, but is extremely jealous of the confidence he oozes.
💖 Leon and Jae are his only friends in the industry so he uses his sway to get them parts if they haven't already gotten a call back. Gets REALLY nervous on set for certain roles so he needs their support.
Jae
💖 Attended the same school as Teo when they were kids, and is constantly pitching intentionally bad ideas and joking on set to reassure his friend.
💖 A little bit of a thrill seeker, so does all his own small stunts if he thinks he’s capable. Stands there and gawks watching the more extreme stunts, loudest to clap when they go well.
💖 Kept bringing Maple to the shoots cause how could he even think about leaving her at home? She would occasionally break her leash and wander into a scene for head scratches and kisses. The film crew always booed when a PA came to take her off set.
Violet
💖 Completely terrible at caring for plants. Inspired by her role, she starts vlogging about her plant mom journey before shooting even begins. All her advice is completely wrong and terrible. Her personal assistant keeps her in the dark by tending to the plants themselves to fix her mistakes.
💖 Finds out she has a talent for flower arrangement, though. Does thank you vases for the cast and crew on all her future productions that last a lifetime because her PA made sure all the flowers were fake.
Exposition
(silly on set shenanigans)
🎬 Scenes get retaken quite a bit, since you’re still extremely new to it all. Most of the cast and crew expect anger out of [REDACTED] after the 4th call for a re-shoot on the first day’s library scene, but he’s surprisingly cracking jokes about his dye job and reassuring you that you’re doing great. The infamously ill-tempered actor is smiling somehow… even being patient? Not glaring down his co-star for minor slip ups? They cannot recognize this person.
🎬 Violet and [REDACTED] naturally butt heads on set. She respects their acting, not the actor. Zero hesitation to snap back if he’s getting snarky with a PA. You’re the one people have to beg to separate them, and you’re completely baffled that [REDACTED] doesn’t treat others as nicely as he treats you.
🎬 Even though Elanor is a nervous wreck about the first real thing to ultimately make or break her career, she’s scarily efficient on set—as long as no one distracts her. She does get sidetracked once in a while, only because she loves chatting and answering any questions the cast or crew might have. She even brings one of her own cats to set during a slower day to see if they can get along with Maple. Leaves Conan in charge when the horror scenes are being shot. They’re both put off by how vivid they feel, but Conan at least can grin and bear it. 
🎬 You and Leon manage to catch up on set while [REDACTED] is otherwise occupied shooting said horror scenes. You tease him about a few infomercials you saw when looking up his actor reel, and Leon teases you back about your unlucky streak of being a tree or a rock in every play the theater program put on when y’all were younger. Laughs even harder once he finds out your most prominent roles until then were “unnamed zombie #5 at the bottom of the pile” and “sleeping train passenger.”
🎬 Try as he might, [REDACTED] doesn’t convince Elanor to change up a few crucial parts of the script for his benefit. His offhand threats of leaving the production fall on deaf ears, as she is all too happy to do re-shoots to make Teo the lead. His innocent hints to you about the shoddy script fly over your head for some reason! You love how it's turning out, what does he mean?
🎬 Super shy Teo prefaces and warns his co-stars before acting in every scene of his character being excessively flirty. Most of the actors have worked with him at some point or another beforehand, so they let him go through his routine without issue. Some crew members love the whiplash of him switching between overly courteous and smarmy, others vastly prefer the flirty character and mourn the loss as production comes to a close.
The Build Up
📺 The higher ups pressure Violet to start a short-lived streaming career to boost interest, since she’s hopeless with plants. She amasses a cult following for her MMO reviews, blind raids on new patches, and her wild ride of a Minecraft playthrough. In the end she winds up preferring to play games off stream, but once in a blue moon she’ll do a first time raid stream so her more dedicated fans can join and watch her alliance get wiped. Creative trolling is highly encouraged.
📺 Teo, Jae, and Leon appear on a late night TV show for promotion. It was meant to be for Teo and [REDACTED] at first. (Where’s the leading lover? [REDACTED] refused all promo appearances or sit downs without you being involved in them.) The host plays a clip that Teo’s particularly embarrassed about, and he hides his face in shame when the crowd hoots and hollers praise about his portrayal.
📺 [REDACTED] comes across as doting and overprotective of you once you’re pushed into the spotlight of celebrity, and shows increasingly concerning behaviors as the premiere looms closer. Depending on your response, they’ll back off to a point or dial it up. Interviewers and consumers mistake it as the eccentric actor’s “method acting” so the red flags just slide right past.
📺 Elanor and Conan guest star in a podcast for off-the-cuff romance enthusiasts. Their strangely cagey and joking comments like “there were so many retakes we couldn’t keep track of what was meant to be the actors messing around or part of the final cuts,” and “we’ve actually sent all the reviewers 1 of 14 versions with completely different endings,” leave listeners all the more curious to see the film.
The Climax
🎉 Reception is huge, in good ways for most. The majority of the cast see a surge in popularity if they didn’t already from the hype. 
🎉 Teo bemoans his endless offerings for sarcastic pretty boy jobs, Leon makes enough to get picky about his roles (and pay Teo back), Jae somehow cons a studio into an action film starring Maple—and subsequently adopts every single one of her stunt doubles. 
🎉 Moth throws the agency away to start adapting anime and manga themselves. Elanor finally feels validated enough to bring one of her romantic screenplays to the big screen, starring her sister Kiara and a very enthusiastic Violet as the leading couple. 
🎉 Conan’s studio is overloaded with scripts, and Alice runs out of scented stickers that much quicker. They are severely backlogged send help.
🎉 One determined conspiracy theorist sets out to prove those missing 13 versions of the ending are real, based on minor cuts and inconsistencies purposefully left in the public release.
The End, Roll Credits
choose your own ending
Bad End 💔 - A Falling Star
💔 If you respond negatively to [REDACTED]’s demeanor during shoots and promo: he plays the waiting game, uses his connections and blackmail to make sure all your roles without his name attached don’t garner nearly as much attention as the ones where you’re co-stars.
💔 Your negotiating power quickly plummets as you fall out of demand and end up begging just for the non-speaking roles you once loathed.
💔 The careers of anyone you got close to on set fall apart much faster than yours, before they’re outright blacklisted in the industry.
💔 You begrudgingly call up your last option. He can’t do much for your friends, but their offer to help you make a comeback is always open.
Neutral End 💌 - Just One More Try
💌 If you respond indifferently to [REDACTED]’s demeanor: the drama leads to you getting more offers, though a handful are for playing opposite of [REDACTED], as the on-screen chemistry was too much for studios to ignore for cash grabs.
💌 Elanor has rid herself of the drama’s subsequent rights, despite positive reception, so a sequel sprouts up in the works at a different studio. One that doesn’t mind catering to the whims of their actors when it comes to script integrity.
💌 You arrive on the set to find that not just one, but all of your cast mates except for them were written to have much smaller parts in the sequel. In fact, you rarely find a scene in the revised script where [REDACTED] isn’t alongside you.
💌 Sadly the contract is air tight, just put up with it until it’s over… What’s this clause about further sequels?
Good End 💍 - Off Into the Sunset
💍 If you respond positively to [REDACTED]’s demeanor: you’ll sadly announce at the post premiere press conference that acting was a one-and-done adventure for you. Retired effective immediately, no farewell interviews.
💍 You’re spotted around town for a few weeks in a mask with a tall, darkly dressed companion at your side before you disappear from the public eye and Corland Bay all together.
💍 A few of your friends at least have an idea of where you are, and they meet up with you whenever you're in a nearby city. None of them can recognize the man glued to your side, though. Not that he'd say anything to clue them in.
💍 After months of near inactivity, [REDACTED] mysteriously deletes their socials without a word, sparking confusion and outrage among hardcore fans still desperately hoping for a sequel.
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peachy-cheeks · 3 months
Text
Kusakabe Atsuya A to Z
warnings: nsfw... and didn’t proofread… ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
a/n: ovulating, rewatching season 2, and kinda fixating on maybe my favorite minor male character in jjk... idk i know there are more atsuya stans out here in hiding and i'm sad that there's more fic for like... idk... naoya... than him... like stand up yall, he's excellent, relatable, has a decent backstory, and i kinda wanna give him a kiss. anyway....
Masterlist
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A = Aftercare (What they’re like after sex)
Atsuya's disposition often reads as removed, cold, or unenthusiastic but I like to think of this in two ways: it's a defense mechanism and his job (unfortunately tied to his entire life) is conducive to him acting this way.
All of that to say he's likely the exact opposite one-on-one. Especially when he's completely disarmed by the comfort of his partner— he's the type to cradle and cuddle you, shower you in little pecks, gently move strands of hair out the way to get a better view of your face, and bury his face into your neck to breathe more of you in... You might have to kick him off of you to grab a towel before he falls asleep though.
B = Body part (Their favorite body part of theirs and also their partner’s)
For him, it’s his forearms. He’s grateful that they’re used to bearing a lot of weight and can still exert a good amount of strength. It also gives him a little endorphin rush to feel the palm of your hands grip onto his arms for leverage and support.
His favorite part of you is a 50/50 split between your breasts and the inner plush of your thighs. The sensation of rubbing against, gripping onto, pinching, and biting the delicate skin excites him, mostly because he knows that he can always get a rise out of you from those areas. Truly he's indecisive, but he knows that the soft warmth feels much better in his grasp than the stiff, weighty tsuka (the main source of the callouses on his fingertips) he's used to reaching for.
C = Cum (What it says on the tin...)
I mean there isn't anything really special about his cum (at least he thinks), but he does love seeing it streaked across your face, glistening in your mouth, running along your chin and down your neck. Guilty pleasure is seeing it in your hair, though he sympathizes with how annoying that can be to deal with so he tries to avoid it.
D = Dirty Secret (Pretty self explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs)
He absolutely loves when you boss him around. Not that he doesn't already listen to you or that he'd be combative, but he really can't help it if his pants feel just a little tighter every time you tell him what he "needs" to do or even get a little cross with him. Oof... and you potentially praising him for doing something right? Definitely a submissive side he has yet to unpack or even connect the behavior with, though he can totally acknowledge that you taking the reins gives him a chance to step back from the big brother/instructor role for once.
E = Experience (How experienced are they? Do they know what they’re doing?)
Decently experienced and while he wouldn't divulge his past escapades with you (unless you asked), you can definitely feel the experience in how he touches you. Attentive and confident in how his hands direct your body.
F = Favorite Position (This goes without saying.)
Indecisive on this as well but he takes deep pleasure in seeing you take control. If he had to list his favorite three, it would be cowgirl, reverse cowgirl, and missionary at the very top.
I mean, he loves seeing you on top but he's a traditionalist and, efficiency-wise, he can reach where you need him most at a faster and harder pace with you under him. Missionary is also the easiest position for him to hold your cheeks between his hand to keep your focus on him.
G = Goofy (Are they more serious in the moment, or are they humorous, etc)
Again, someone who seems more serious than not. But when he's comfortable and in a non-life threatening situation between the legs of his lover, a tender side of Atsuya shows. Of course, it takes a bit of time... multiple sessions and hours really... of cutting through his reserved attitude, but after a while you find that both of your kisses, moans, and deep, vulnerable sighs are bookended by smiles and giggles. Maybe someone pulled a funny face or decided to give up prematurely on a strenuous position. Maybe you both have a moment of realization that the perfect person is fucking you and you can't help but laugh at your luck.
H = Hair (How well groomed are they, does the carpet match the drapes, etc.)
I have a personal soft-spot for this so walk with me a bit... chest, arms, legs... perfect sprinkle of hair... enough to give a very mature (ugh... dilf-esque) compliment to the toned muscles underneath. A very charming, dark happy trail dusts his lower abs and leads to a nicely trimmed yet fuller tuft of hair above his dick.
I = Intimacy (How are they during the moment, romantic aspect…) 
Recurring theme here... he's a secret sweetheart. Day-to-day and outside of a dangerous situation, he's a particularly dedicated, caring, and thoughtful person. There's still a reserved quality to how romantic he is PDA-wise. Hand-holding is fine, the occasional well-timed kiss— ideally away from students— is fine, he just prefers to be more chivalrous (acts of service) than overtly affectionate (touch). He's more-so worried about giving himself the ick from being a bit too forward and all over you in public (and in-turn giving you the ick.)
But... when he is all over you, the body worship makes you feel like the only person on earth. It's like he has an innate sense of how to nonverbally rectify anything you may have misread about his feelings for you (from a mix of cultivated experience and natural chemistry). Because he's constantly in minor disbelief about how you want him as much as he wants you, in bed he's very communicative, quick to learn all of your trigger points, and loves to hand out compliments:
"Mm... I remember. That spot's really sensitive... can I kiss you there?"
"Comfortable? Feel like my hands were made for holding you here..."
"Seriously don't get how someone can be as perfect as you..."
J = Jack Off (Masturbation headcanon)
Oh boy... rare now since he's not away from you too often. I think prior to shooting his shot with you he had a major moment of self-discovery where you slowly became the main subject of his spank-bank.
K = Kink (One or more of their kinks)
Something about Atsuya makes me think that he's generally vanilla but would be really into subtle power-play. Not committed to the full dom/sub relationship or BDSM as a practice, but loves a little touch of friendly roughness. A hand to his (or your) throat, hair tugging, a few loving slaps, maybe even a little spit-play.
I think shibari/kinbaku would be the furthest he'd go. He respects the beauty of it, the amount of trust and patience it takes to do it right, the learning process, and how much you look like you need him by the end.
L = Location (Favorite places to do the do)
Traditionalist... nothing can beat a bedroom. Though the shower is nice... keeping you from slipping gives him a great opportunity to lift. The kitchen table is great too since it offers the perfect leverage. The couch offers the same thing too for a few different positions. Well... I guess as long as it's at home...
M = Motivation (What turns them on, gets them going)
Your smile. It’s really that simple. Seeing you express any amount of joy, let alone share it with him fills him with a type of yearning that he can’t really verbalize. It just makes him want to be as close to you as possible.
N = NO (Something they wouldn’t do, turn offs)
Teacher kink... would indulge if you really enjoyed it but reminds him entirely too much of work 😭
O = Oral (Preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc)
He enjoys giving and isn't bad at it by any means but you swear something very repressed and primal unveils itself when he locks eyes with you on your knees, mouth open, and doe-eyed. He tries to be gentle about it at least.
P = Pace (Are they fast and rough? Slow and sensual? etc.)
This can vary since he enjoys almost any pace as long as it's with you. With setting a pace he really keeps an eye out for what he thinks you'd prefer at the moment. I think there's always a point where he can't hold back but he strategizes around and prioritizes getting you off... depends on how much time you both have. But hey, if the pace happens to start out needy and desperate...
Q = Quickie (Their opinions on quickies rather than proper sex, how often, etc.)
Not against a quickie, but as mentioned, defers to your mood on how to proceed. For him, the most likely scenario of needing a quickie (because he’d prefer to just be late or cancel whatever was cutting into your time) would be on campus; a taboo that he hates to admit actually excites him.
R = Risk (Are they game to experiment, do they take risks, etc.)
He's willing to experiment with you and anyone he's had an extended relationship with, but frankly speaking the limits of his own risk-taking imagination run fairly short (apart from speculating on what places you two could get away with hooking up.) But if you can show him something new, he's likely game (though, nothing super bloody or violent... just not his thing.)
S = Stamina (How many rounds can they go for, how long do they last…)
He blames it on getting older but, normally, twice in one go is maybe the best he can do. Definitely exceptions to this... say someone feels particularly giving, there's a special occasion (anniversaries, birthdays, coming back from an assignment, a nice date night), or maybe you two lucked out and have a whole weekend, unbusy and unbothered, together.
T = Toy (Do they own toys? Do they use them? On a partner or themselves?)
He seems like a very simple, no-frills guy. But if you have any favorites to bring to the table, that'd likely pique his interest.
U = Unfair (How much they like to tease)
Atsuya aims to please so his teasing (just light petting, groping, and sweet whispers) is typically relegated to foreplay. Beyond this, he likes to give you very simple, sometimes curt, directions to follow while he’s fucking you. He doesn’t fully restrict you (most of the time) or prevent you from chasing your high but he likes to put small roadblocks and rules to bargain on in your way:
“Hey, look at me. Don’t touch. I’ll do it if you look at me. Mmhmm… keep your eyes here. Good... Feel good? That what you wanted?”
V = Volume (How loud they are, what sounds they make)
Not loud, per-say, but does have a habit of moaning into your mouth, against your ear, or just against your body in general. Maybe he’s a little too shy to moan aloud and feels safer relinquishing these rare sounds to you only.
W = Wild Card (Get a random headcanon for the character of your choice)
Atsuya definitely has an oral fixation. He deeply misses smoking– especially a post-sex cigarette– but he doesn’t mind if you indulge. Actually, he really looks forward to seeing you have one. Over the years he’s wisened up to the fact that smoke deteriorates the body but he still finds something enticing about the act of sucking on death itself. Especially the way you do it (of course, he does want you to live a long, prosperous life…)
You always offer him a hit but he’s principled enough to look and not touch… he also keeps a few candies in a couple of different drawers around the house, so he’s covered. On the more current end of his oral fixation, he loves sharing lollipops with you. Even better when you steal a kiss with the candy caught between both your lips.
X = X-Ray (Let’s see what’s going on in those pants, picture or words)
Tanned shaft (that he loves feeling you squeeze against), darker pink tip (that he loves feeling you suck on), wonderful shape with a few prominent veins and an upward tilt. Girth-y and not unbearably long, but even when he's not hard there's a decent chub.
Y = Yearning (How high is their sex drive?)
He would say he has a very unremarkably normal libido though you’d say otherwise. Again, he tries to reel back on PDA but when you’re both lounging around, cooking, doing chores around the house, getting dressed, and other regular daily activities he can get quite handsy and heart-eyed.
Z = ZZZ (… how quickly they fall asleep afterwards)
Leaves a bit of space (let's say an hour... hour and thirty tops) for a sweet and short make-out, pillow-talk, and cleanup but otherwise ready to sleep like a swaddled baby and will most likely be the big spoon.
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vivipokedex · 4 months
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Your animal anatomy foundation 100% feels very solid, do you have any books or online sources to recommend to budding artists?
thank youuuu :)))
im gonna be honest... i never really specifically sat down to study drawing animals, or followed any art-oriented books or guides about that or anything. tutorials tend to not be very helpful to me because they rarely deal with gesture and focus more on getting the proportions right, which by itself is only a small part of it. and live drawing classes rarely involve animals...
i think it helps to have an existing, like, sense and confidence when it comes to observation and capturing volume and gesture in general. at the end of the day pretty much everything can be broken down into basic shapes, planes, blobs. actually A Blob is a good starting point to draw pretty much any animal... draw a blob and then put a head and limbs and appendages on it. yknow?
another thing is to just be curious and have an interest in the diversity and minutiae of the animal kingdom. i know it sounds very basic but I Love Animals. there are some real crazy creatures out there. obviously i recommend looking up as many reference pics as you can, not necessarily to copy stuff, but to have a handy guide of where stuff goes. but just looking at pictures honestly isnt quite enough in my opinion... read up on the animal. get a sense of what makes this particular species unique among ones similar to it, how it lives and functions in its habitat... watch a nature docco. watch some footage of weird little shrimp. learn how to tell different species of aeshnidae apart.
also, yeah, youre gonna have to look at and draw some animal skeletons at some point. i dont think you have to like, study the skeleton of every vertebrate you wanna draw, but yknow, its good to have a general knowledge. it really does teach you a lot to draw a horse skeleton and the individual parts in it. ideally of course you would be sitting in front of either the real thing or a 3d model, but sometimes photos and illustrations have to suffice... it's just important that you pay attention to what you're doing.
as for books... well, a relevant point here is that photos arent everything. obviously theyll give you a faithful picture of the living breathing animal, but thats the thing, they wont always let you see the exact shape, all the distinctive details, and so on. so this is where i recommend getting into some old timey illustrated books. yeah youre gonna have to do some treasure hunting... but listen. ive got this awesome book from 1979 for example, which lists pretty much every species of bird that lives in my little corner of the world, along with amazing detailed illustrations. it's so inspiring and informative. it is the kind of stuff i really wanna urge everyone to get into.
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