#and i am also aware i am ugly even in spaces where the “weird” and “odd” is celebrated | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

intersex-support · 2 years

Note

Hi! I know this might be kind of a weird ask, but I just needed a space to talk about this and your blog appears to be safe.

So I have what has been diagnosed previously as PCOS. I'm seeking genetic testing for various reasons, but the symptoms are relatively consistent. Anyway.

One thing I never see talked about is how people with PCOS can and do face medical abuse and "correction". I was put unwillingly onto puberty blockers - ones not even intended as such, it was a common off-label use that came with potential long term side effects. I'm also trans, but didn't know it at the time. Had I known, I may have chosen puberty blockers, but it was still very much a nonconsensual attempt to "correct" my "precocious puberty".

Then as an adult, due to, well long story, but abuse from my mom, I was convinced to take estrogen-based birth control that in all likelihood contributed to my worsening dysphoria, to "manage" the huperandrogenism I'm now actively encouraging with low dose testosterone. Without constantly being told it's ugly, I love being hyperandrogenous! It makes me euphoric!

Related to this, I also got told I was appropriating intersex experiences for wanting my (already intersex body) to more closely match my being intersex. I admittedly said it poorly, in a way that made it seem like I was generalizing all intersex bodies into a common misconception, but I was trying to say that me being altersex (or another word, I've heard that term can be intersexist but don't have an alternative, if it is I'm happy to change the term I use) is a direct result of me being intergender/intergender (again, don't know which terminology to use, sorry!). I was accused of fetishizing intersex conditions by someone who admitted that PCOS should be considered one.

I don't actually know whether I had any coercive surgery in infancy due to a lot of crap with birthfamily and being removed at nine months and adopted at 14 months. But every other experience I've had has been (mostly perisex and a few bad faith gatekeeping intersex) people coercing me into fitting more neatly into a binary sex, often medically, and often with transphobia on top. I've had people deny that I can experience transness in multiple ways (I use transfem, transmasc, and transneutral/transandrogenous, particularly because I also am plural which just further complicates things.

I just... I wish people understood that I have faced many of the struggles typical to the intersex community. I have never experienced gender like a perisex person. I have always been cautious about speaking to my own experiences because I've tried to be aware of privilege where I have it and to uplift the voices of others with different experiences than mine, even where there are no dynamics of privilege/oppression.

Having people like you say "yes, people with PCOS can use the intersex label, we have shared experiences, you belong" has also been incredibly healing. It's like... I feel like people can often innately recognize when they have shared community in regards to innate identity. I felt drawn to the queer community before my gender/sexuality eggs cracked, for example. I feel like exclusion only hurts people because it- well, essentially is a form of gaslighting. "No, your experiences in this specific aspect are fundamentally so alien to ours that we couldn't possibly talk about commonalities in any meaningful way, and will deny you a belonging that is already yours." Does that make any sense?

I'm not perfect in the way I say things, so I do wanna say that I'm absolutely willing to be corrected if something I have said is harmful.

Just uh,,, thank you for listening to this long vent.

(In case I interact via anon in the future, can I sign off with "starry anon"?)

Hey, anon 💜

I'm so sorry that you've had to put up with so much judgment, abuse, and coercion from so many people and places that you expected to be safe. You did not deserve any of that. You have PCOS and hyperandrogenism, and you are intersex. You belong in intersex spaces and anyone who says you doesn't is being a complete asshole. There's so many reasons like you've listed here, where you have so many commonalities of experiences with other intersex people, and deserve to be able to find compassion and solidarity. I'm so sorry that you've faced medical abuse, and I think you're brave for speaking up about it and talking about the fact that intersex people with PCOS can and do face medical abuse. You are not alone in that, and it absolutely wasn't your fault.

You are intersex, and there is no way that you can appropriate your own experiences. I sort of do think that altersex is a label that's used in an intersexist way a lot of times and I personally tend to be uncomfortable with it, and I tend to stay away from altersex because of my issues with it. I think altersex is really only being used by people who aren't intersex, so I could see why people might have thought you were fetishizing or appropriating intersex experiences, as if you say you are altersex people are going to think you are saying you are dyadic. You can just say that you're intersex and intergender if that's language that makes you feel comfortable, although I'm not going to tell you what language is and isn't right for you to use--that's a personal choice.

I don't know you and your story and I'm also not going to tell you what ways of experiencing your gender and what labels are okay for you to use--I know that it can get very complicated when we're intersex and we're sometimes reassigned gender or sex in childhood, or at puberty, or undergo certain types of transition that's unexpected for our AGAB. I don't think that it's a free-for-all that any intersex person ever can just claim to be transmasc or transfem or both or that every single intersex person has a claim to every label, but my policy is to trust intersex people when they tell me their labels and trust that they know what the most accurate and affirming language is to use based on their own lived experiences. I think this is something that individual intersex people have to really think through and decide what labels are appropriate for them to use, and be thoughtful about what times we need to stay in our lane and when we follow our instincts. It does get complicated and my approach is to just trust that people know what labels are actually accurate to their life, and I only bring things up if it is an issue. If people are appropriating labels, if they don't have a certain type of lived experience but they are claiming that they do, if they are perpetuating oppression, then I will call people out and deal with whatever they are actually doing. I'm not going to tell you that you can't use labels or not when I don't know your life and story, or say whether you should be doing things or not, and just trust that you have thought through what is appropriate and what is right for you and listened to what the communities you are a part of are telling you.

Even though you did use altersex language, or if you were confused and couldn't figure out the best way to phrase things, you still are intersex and have an intersex body. And I completely understand wanting intersex affirming and gender affirming things to feel more comfortable in your body. I think that a lot of intersex people do have dysphoria and I know a lot of us who really have strong feelings about wanting to return to our natural intersex bodies before medical abuse, or returning to a version of ourselves that we were never allowed to be. I think that's something that makes so much sense, and even though I can see why people would react badly if they thought you were dyadic and using confusing language, know that you are not doing anything wrong by being intersex and having these feelings, and you cannot appropriate your own experiences. You belong in intersex community and are allowed to share your own experiences.

This blog is a safe space for you, anon, and feel free to share your story or come and vent if you need it.

💜💜💜

-Mod E

#asks #actuallyintersex #intersex #to clarify bc we've been having a lot of discussions on and offline about this lately #i don't think that every intersex person ever. can claim to be transmasc or transfem #like for instance i think it would be entirely inappropriate for me to claim to be transfem. i was afab raised female #and even though I went through medical abuse and hormonal conversion therapy #I don't think i live in any meaningful way as a transfem person. because i am a trans man #so im like in my case it would be weird if i started claiming i was transfem u know. bc im not #but i do think that with intersex people. birth asssignment gets tricky #i have a friend who was amab. but then was raised as a girl from the age of 5. and than at puberty transitioned back. and he considers #himself a trans man #so im like okay i think there are times where people's birth assignment doesn't line up with the dyadic birth assignment for a trans experi #so it does get complicated when you are intersex. or when you're intersex and like #you're transitioning one way. in a way that isn't usually expected of your birth assignment #and i dont' think i get to make all the rules for who is what. i think that would be silly #i think that's something that we all just need to think about what labels are right for us to use and what our experiences are #and if we think we're overstepping then we totally might be! if we think we belong in a certain community or certain label #and the community accepts us! that can also be true #so basiaclly long story short: i dont think that being intersex means that now you can just say that you r whatever trans label you feel #like. if you don't have the lived experiences #and i think it's good for us to be aware of that. but i do think its complicated #and that if you do have the lived experiences. if a certain label you use is right for you. im going to trust you #bc i am not in charge and dont feel like you know. telling people what they can and can't do

33 notes · View notes

semper-legens · 1 year

Text

56. The Underground Railroad, by Colson Whitehead

Owned: No, library Page count: 366 My summary: Cora has been enslaved on a cotton plantation for all her life. But thanks to a few poor choices, she finds that her life is in even more danger than her fellows. One of the men on the plantation swears he has an escape route - the mythical Underground Railroad, which can lead runaways to the Promised Land in the North. But escaping the plantation is just the first part of Cora’s long journey to freedom. Will she ever find true safety? My rating: 4/5 My commentary:

I'd heard about this book before I read it. It just seemed to crop up everywhere, enough that its presence on the shelves everywhere I went inspired me to actually pick the thing up and give it a read. But while I'd heard about this book, it wasn't in enough detail that I knew much outside of its premise - in 19th century America, the Underground Railroad is, instead of a route out of slavery, a literal railroad running underneath the country trying to get enslaved people to safety. Which was an intriguing enough idea in itself. But beyond that, I didn't know much; my preconceptions were entirely based on that concept. So let's see how the rest of the book panned out!

Cora is our main character, an enslaved woman who is the daughter of a runaway, and became an outcast for it on the plantation in which she was held. She later runs away with the help of another enslaved person named Caesar, as well as the agents of the Underground Railroad. Cora's life is informed by trauma, both the horrors she was subject to on the plantation and the things she experiences on the road to freedom. She is given moments of respite, months spent in reasonably friendly places, but her life of running and hiding is obviously hard. She's a character with a great sense of resilience - you'd have to be resilient to be a fugitive - but she still has her moments of vulnerability, desperation, and being overwhelmed. I like how stubborn she is, how she refuses to compromise and buckle under to how people expect her to be, like in South Carolina when she refuses the doctor's pressure to become sterilised even before learning the greater context around his requests. She's a very credible image of a woman in her position.

This book has a really weird relationship with reality. Other than the titular Railroad being a literal rather than figurative railroad, this book aligns with reality perfectly, at least as far as I am aware from my admittedly limited reading. References are made to real abuses done to both enslaved and free black people, albeit not all in this time period. For example, the first place Cora and Caesar go to in South Carolina has the government own escaped enslaved people, but employ them and provide medical care. Cora finds out that they are forcibly sterilising women and using men as test subjects in an experiment to test for syphilis treatments. I don't know what period the former was happening in, but the Tuskegee Syphilis Study was in the 1930s to 70s. This isn't a criticism, however, just an observation - it's interesting how Whitehead takes real experiences and fictionalises them, conflating centuries of abuses directed at black people and creating a world that both reflects real historical experiences while still crafting a distinct world.

And, yes, this book is brutal in its depictions of the horrors of slavery. As it needs to be, really. You can't talk about how terrible slavery was without mentioning children being ripped from parents, the inhumanity of slave catchers, the ugly bigotry shown towards black people. Cora ends up in North Carolina, where black people are illegal and any found in the state will be violently and ritualistically murdered. She spends months cooped up in a tiny attic space, hidden from the world - reminiscent of Jewish people hiding from the Nazis, but also of Harriet Jacobs hiding from an abusive enslaver. When violence erupts, it is sudden and startling - the moments of relative peace in Cora's life provide a chilling contrast to the sheer brutality on show here. It's an impactful book, but not an easy one to read by any means.

Next up, some tales for queer teens.

#The Underground Railroad #Colson Whitehead #bookblr #book blog #book blogging #4 #Slavery /#Abuse /#Racism /

3 notes · View notes

menalez · 9 months

Note

Hello Mena! I was hoping if you can maybe help me with confusion about my ethnicity. I am from post-ussr country and so interact in english spaces less and not sure about few things. I am mixed ethnicity, various slavic and central asian ethnicity. But I am not half and half, rather from what I learned about my family tree I am a bit more then 1/3 central asian. But, as you can imagine, with woc women marrying into men of dominant culture, I was able to find only very little of my asian female ancestors. I mostly seen myself as white, but the genes of my asian female ancestors show on my face. I did not know about any of these when I was teen, I was just sure I am 'ugly'. I spend great deal of time trying to make myself 'pretty', which was kinda white washing myself. If I bleach my hair, shave my eyebrows, avoid sun like plague and paint my face I can be quite white passing, just with weird nose and small and dark eyes and wide face. I also struggled with people being very prejudiced towards me through my whole life, like they start right away acting as if I'm stupid and a bit slow. I have been wondering for my whole life if maybe I am weird or slow indeed in a ways I am not aware. I would never know if that is because of my face or not. But when I moved to less white region, it has been long time and no one acted towards me that dismissive. I also stopped worrying about my nose and keeping skin as white as possible, bc I don't stick out so much anymore. Hairdressers sometimes still try to convince me to bleach my hear, because I would look good, but I reject it. The thing is, if I talk about these in english speaking places while only mentioning my location, women (I suppose mostly white, who do that) try to convince me I am just a bit mentally unwell, imagined prejudice where it did not happen, obsess over my looks etc. If I mention my ethnic compound, they revert to blanket validation, which is also weird to me, bc it's so overt and suddenly they take me seriously. When they do it, I honestly feel like impostor. Or I guess before that they imagined slavic blonde like stereotypically shown? (It's actually wrong stereotype, but it's another topic.) My question is, I don't really I can call myself woc, I would be imposing on woc with actual problems. If I was say half and half with equal connection to both cultures, it would be another matter. But I also treasure my asian ancestry and what I could find of it, the genes of my asian grandmothers are seen in my face, and I think it is not fair to them if I don't mention that. Maybe you have some advice on that, on how can I indicate my ancestry better without imposing on others who deal with actual oppression unlike me? Sorry it turned out a bit long.

hi anon!! first of all, i feel like you’re questioning your perception & intelligence and just so you know, you don’t seem stupid at all to me. at least based on this message, you seem to be an introspective and well-spoken woman, albeit with clear confidence issues.

in terms of how you can accurately describe your ancestry, i’m also mixed but not 50/50 as it is intergenerational, so i understand how it can be difficult to describe ur experiences. i simply state im mixed & if ppl assume it means i’m half black and half MENA, i correct them and state that is inaccurate to my reality. you could say the same, basically calling urself mixed white + central asian or just mixed. even the term biracial does not necessarily mean half & half although some people assume that to be the case, so u could use that too. u could even say ur white-passing biracial (although im not sure if white-passing describes u accurately? since u said u feel like u look more similar to central asians when u live among them). u could also say ur white with asian ancestry if u feel like being white defines ur experiences more prominently

0 notes

mistergoddess · 1 year

Text

something something last pride i was in a disastrous gender tailspin doing so very bad on the gender front deeply closeted staying briefly with my parents between apartments working at a normie bar where there was a lot of pressure to be cute and feminine and appealing but the most dysphoric ive ever been because ive been quite masc ever since i realized i was trans when i was fucking 13 and somehow at 25 decided to put my own ass back in the closet and went to pride in a bikini top and booty shorts and fishnets and was miserable with myself and so repressed and had nobody but myself to blame for it and spent the whole time thinking haha wouldn't it be funny to go to the gender clinic booths and get info about testosterone while dressed like this haha how i look with he/him in my bio and all that haha right but i wouldn't because im in denial about being a guy rn haha im just a funky they them lesbian or whatever idk haha. and now just 1 year later i'll be going to pride 6 months on t and having made the first grueling steps of coming out to family and people close to me and i'll definitely be boyly boying it up and its all very surreal and gooooood?

idk it's weird because i feel 100% positive and happy and right about transition so far like... internally. independently. but the social aspect is still very funky and scary and i'm sure that's completely normal because society sucks! it's a sucky cultural situation we're in rn! and it's scary and bad and easy to invalidate yourself and get imposter syndrome and be bitter and jealous and feel weird and scared about being socially out and trying to socially transition and make it known that yeah i know i don't seem like one but actually i'm a guy! and i'm literally still not even saying that i'm still just letting ppl assume im a woman and misgender me bc i'm fucking avoidant and don't have the guts to like correct restaurants when they get my order wrong let alone correct everyone when they get my gender wrong! arrgghhh! but i'm very excited for ~my first pride~ and i hope being in a space where people are expecting it and won't be shocked or confused will give me some confidence and i can be open and at ease there and i can take some of that with me back to everyday life. idk. something along those lines.

also i'm definitely in my fresh out the box overcompensating era lmfao like i'm still nonbinary as hell and i still wanna be fruity and i'm definitely not Just A Guy and i'm definitely not Just Masc and i haveeeeeeeee a really really bad history with that and some big ugly Gender Trauma that makes this stage of like. just trying to be more masc and a dudething. kind of a very bad vibe but i'm doing it on my own terms this time and am aware of how that plays on my mental state and i feel confident that i'll grow out of it and that it's ok for now and as i progress i'll settle back into the things i like because i DO like fruity shit and i DO like the booty shorts and the fishnets and jewelry and painted nails and i'm not fully a dude and there's a sick ass nonbinary trans culture that i'll figure out how to occupy!!!!!!!! but yea i'm accepting that for now i'm just like hrrgnnnghhhh yes im a Man :) a fucking Guy a Dude Bro hahaaaaa

#anyway sorry me of 1 year ago that was a fucked up time for you but dw it's gonna get so good so soon #shitpost.txt

1 note · View note

silverechosandblankmasks · 3 years

Text

Platonic Polyam Bench Trio Marriage AU

You guys asked, so here I am to deliver! Platonic Polyam Bench Trio marriage au where Tommy marries into Tubbo’s and Ranboo’s platonic marriage. (focus on Tommy lol)

NOTE; These are about the c!characters and not the irl people, and I'm writing this like a poly queerplatonic relationship okay? None of this is intended to be romantic or anything else and anything that is in this list is PLATONIC INTENTIONS ONLY

Edit; Now called the Bench Husbands Au

-It kinda all kicks off when about a week or so after Tommy gets out of Prison. (Note, nothing after the first stream after Tommy gets out is canon in this au, as well as some things before)

-Tubbo and Tommy finally have a small fight and argument, before talking, like really talking and Tubbo invite Tommy to come live with them in the mansion in snowchester once its done.

-Tommy doesn't really want to... but he’s tired and lonely and still scared to death and Tubbo promises he’s safe with them, plus if they lived together they could plan on how to kill Dream easier as well.

-Ranboo doesn't mind but after that he tries to go talk to tommy more, but Tommy isnt... the most receptive? Tommy is suffering still and is feeling very replaced and lonely, but doesn't excuse his kinda snippy behavior with Ranboo

-This finally comes to ahead when Ranboo snaps and calls him out, leading to another small fight, before Tommy apologizes and they also talk. This one is more in depth though and Tommy talks about what happened in exile, in the prison, and just general shitty stuff that's being going on.

-Ranboo, in turn, talks to him about the voices and Dream’s voice and the sleepwalking and Tommy is very much more concerned about them then anyone else he told was, and validates the fear about it, and resolves to help Ranboo get rid of it somehow.

-After this, and both trying to convince the other they should tell Tubbo, that they both probably need to tell Tubbo. They want to keep him safe and not worry him, but... they both need help in different ways and they both love him enough to not do that to him.

-The night ends with lots of tears, Tubbo admitting his own traumas and tears and what he’s been not saying, and a promise to help each other.

-Its not a while after that actually Ranboo brings up the idea of adding Tommy to their marriage. He can tell the blond is struggling with feeling replaced and low-self esteem, and it would help him feel more equal and loved maybe? Tubbo thinks its a great idea and they go to ask Tommy.

-Tommy’s pretty uppity at first, he believes its just them pitying him and treating him like glass again, which he hates more then anything, but after they calm him down and explain they just want him to feel equal and that they both actually cared for him and wanted him to join in on their thing, he’s more contemplative. Ranboo nervously throws in a few other points, like how for legal reasons it could benefit him like it was for them, their allies had to leave him alone, plus Tubbo only started making his own hotel becuase he wanted Tommy to start interacting with him again, and-

-At this point Tommy just, interrupts and says yes, surprising them. They didn't exactly think he’d say no, but they thought it would be harder then that. He laughs at their expressions and says why not? Plus it stood to reason they’d want Tommy, everyone wanted Tommy.

-Ranboo and Tubbo exchange a look before bullying their now platonic fiancée. They agree to get married as soon as the Mansion is done, and till then Tommy can finish packing his stuff and a few other things he wanted to do.

-Also Tommy is totally not avoiding Michael because every pet he ever got close to has died and he doesn't want to get attached and risk Tubbo and Ranboo losing something they cared about because of him, no siree, why wouldn't you think that?

-Speaking of Michael!

-Its not all that strange to keep undead mobs like Zombie piglins as pets, in fact Zombie Piglins are the probably better undead mob to keep around due to their mostly passiveness if you want a pet and the fact they don't need much to eat and wont really be harmed if out leave them alone for long periods of time

-Though Tommy kinda thinks Tubbo and Ranboo’s insist on treating him like their child is weird, but he’s willing to let them have it, clearly it made them happy to play around

-Isn't until he finally moves in that he realizes that Michael is different then other zombie piglins and finds himself being pulled into the parent dynamic as well

-Though now that he thinks about it, something about Michael seems off… welp it's probably nothing :)

-When the mansion is done, he tears down the dirt shack and makes it a community garden and it becomes one of the only things that stays free of the red vines (who knew watering it with water from the holy land would make it untouchable? It's thanks to this garden later others figure out how to defeat the egg)

-They elect to not have a ceremony, not now at least but Tommy actually thinks a small wedding party would be fun at a later date. Ranboo doesn't mind much if they have one or not but Tubbo is actually very excited about planning it.

-Tommy wears his ring on a necklace most of the time, but occasionally wears it on his fingers, usually when he needs something to fiddle with.

-Ranboo wears his on his tail (the area right before to fluffy part) normally but also wears it on his finger sometimes when he feels like it. (If your version has horns, he also does that too) it just really depends on what he’s feeling and if he’s forgotten where he put it. He also like, never takes it off unless to move it around because he’s afraid to lose it.

-Tubbo wears his as an actual ring on his finger (though if he has horns, sometimes he puts it on one of em if he needs the ring to be off his hand.) Tubbo learned the hard way when building nukes or other machinery (since, if you can believe it, his husbands aren’t that comfortable with the nukes as he is) you can't wield or do high heat stuff while wearing metal and nearly lost his finger. He’s very lucky and he has a small scar from it.

-Each of them have their own rooms so they can have their own space and somewhere to go if they want time to themselves/store their stuff in, but there is a 4th room (directly across from Michaels) where they share and tend to curl up to sleep together. About 5 out of 7 days of the week, some combo of them are cuddling together at night, more if they're having a bad day or nightmares.

-There's multiple bathrooms in the mansion but there's one they all like the best and will fight over it/race to get into it first before the others and the other two will stalk off salty to use a different one

-They're all pretty tactile people but out of them, Tommy is the most tactile (once the fear of being hurt recess he practically attaches himself to the others) and Ranboo is the least (he won't seek out comfort and touch as much as the others unless he needs it, but is the best at telling when the other two need touch or need to be left alone) and Tubbo is in the middle of that.

-Tommy is the one that cooks most of the time, Ranboo is banned from it after The Incident and while Tubbo is okay at cooking, Tommy just knows more recipes and how to make things taste really good.

-Tommy picked up sewing from when he was a kid, even before he was found by Wilbur and adopted by Phil, it was useful to be able to patch the rags he called clothes, and just ended up continuing because his brothers and dad sucked at sewing. It then morphed into full tailoring because he found it relaxing and liked being able to make his own clothes. He can and will be insulted if anyone wears anything he deems ‘ugly’, especially his new husbands. He makes them clothes all the time, specially Michael.

-In fact he also cleans the most, he just gets bored and while he makes a mess, if the house gets to a certain point he gets really uncomfortable and overstimulated, so he cleans.

-DomesticInnit? In my au? More likely then you think!

-Gradually the whole ‘watching the prison’ and ‘planning to kill Dream’ starts to fade as he gets back into the groove of living again and therapy. He’s just… tired of Dream having a hold on everything Tommy does, he’s sick of it. So… he just tries to live these days one step at a time. (Healing arc baby! Dream can die mad UwU)

-Tommy dragged them both to Therapy with him after a while.

-Because of this he finds himself home a lot with Michael, especially if the other two are busy. They’ve pretty much decided that someone has to be home with Michael at all times, which is now 100% more doable with the 3 of them, and Puffy or Foolish babysit if there’s ever time they can't.

-Tommy is a lot less of a hovering helicopter parent then the others and was the one to finally convince them Michael cant live trapped in a room. Yes, they were all worried for his safety but… you can't raise a kid in a cell, even if it's a nice one. Tommy takes Michael out more

-Tommy started to sleep walking again once they moved in and he still gravitates towards water for some reason. Nothing more startling then waking up because you plunged into frigid below 0 temp water while sleepwalking. Ranboo also enderwalks/sleepwalks more as well and there've been some nights where Tubbo has had to track them both sleepily walking around and make sure they don't hurt themselves or drown or something. At least Ranboo is semi-aware when enderwalking and normally just does weird ender things, Tommy likes to apparently walk into oceans or climb the mansion and nearly fall off and wander hundreds of blocks away. Tubbo’s not salty at all, really.

-Sapnap, Quackity, and Karl are 100% salty the benchtrio got platonically married before they got married

-They fight about last names all the time despite none of them actally taking eachothers last name, and if they happen to pick and choose on which one they’re feeling based on mood, well they can do what they want!

-However its agreed Michael’s last name is hyphenated so he’s now ‘Michael Beloved-Underscore-Innit’

These are all I have for now, feel free to ask about it or use my ideas! <3

#dream smp #dsmp #tommyinnit #tubbo #ranboo #bench trio #benchtwt #mine #headcanons #au #my aus #Benchtrio platonic poly marrige au #NOW CALLED;#Bench Husbands AU

359 notes · View notes

chocoladieimagines · 3 years

Note

Hey can I request akatsuki fluffy HC with a black reader

Thanks 😊

Sure thing! It took me a bit of a while to think of an idea but I got you! I also hope it’s fine that I am comfortable only doing a few of the members in the Akatsuki🤎🍫Enjoy!

Akatsuki x Black! Reader

For one of their missions, two people are sent to a village called Nikkōgakure, meaning Village Hidden by/among Sunlight. They see a possibility of finding the person they’re looking for by infiltrating a local rally, but only experience the feeling of nostalgia after seeing a childhood friend. Y/N L/N is a civil rights activist who has become very well known throughout villages and is sought out by citizens for social change.

Kisame Hoshigaki

- The Akatsuki had to operate in teams that would be most efficient in earning money but also not draw attention to themselves. With two shinobi, it’s the bare minimum to have an actionable team that can accomplish goals.

- Two individuals highly skilled such as Kisame Hoshigaki and Itachi Uchiha are sent to the village, acquiring information about the shinobi forces so the Akatsuki could provide more mercenary services.

- Aside from tracing Jinchuriki, a back up plan was to make countries increasingly dependent on Akatsuki’s services, corner the entire market for shinobi missions and eventually put all of the shinobi villages out of business.

- Kisame didn’t expect the village to have such an ethereal beauty; everything in honeyed tones like there was a layer of tinted filtering added to the sky. As the sunlight sauntered in, it ignited shadows to vivid oranges and reds, giving vivacious hues to the village like it was another world of art.

- The broad days of sunlight allowed tenacious vegetation; flowers seen in every turn he made.

- The truth was that the people could never see flowers too many times; they brought flowers into hospitals and graveyards, used them as a vibrant way to express their love and would plant them in their backyards though they couldn’t bear any edible fruits. The village spent thousands replacing them along the streets and as soon as they would brown, more are brought in.

- “Maybe this place wouldn’t be so bad.” Kisame said to himself but it was more likely loud enough to be heard just between the proximity of him and Itachi.

- “Yes, there’s something about it that makes it look so peaceful. Like it’s ducked off from the world’s ugliness and imperfection.” Itachi spoke. “Therefore, we will not spark any attention on ourselves. We will only pursue what is absolutely necessary.”

- Kisame followed in Itachi’s words as they watched villagers gather inside of a place, soon walking behind them.

- They both sat in the corner of the room at a small table, everyone’s conversation dying down after the lights dim.

- Kisame heard the sound of heels becoming discernible as they progressed closer to the stage. Once they stopped, the spotlight shined on a beautiful woman.

- He felt himself be captivated by your features; dark satiny brown skin, these dark expressive eyes—pools of honey each time the sunshine hits them, as you wore your hair naturally in its born state.

- You greeted everyone with a warm smile and it seemed a lot of your audience has seen you before—Kisame knew he definitely has.

- He remembered you back in Kirigakure, Village Hidden by Mist or The Hidden Village of The Land of Water. He often saw you tagging along the crewman that traded goods with his village. Having many adventures as a shinobi prior to joining the organization, some of his missions consisted of being involved with the lakes featured along the many islands composing his village.

- The two of you have crossed each other up until the point you kindly greeted him and couldn’t help but feel intrigued by his unique features. He didn’t take offense from it, taking in mind how your voice sounded out of admiration and saw your hand raise a bit like you wanted to feel his features you thought as surreal.

- He only smirked a bit and answered that that was the heredity of his folk, then turned the question on you and asked, “How come whenever the sun hits your skin, you start glowing?”. He watched you stare at him in shock.

- From there on, you two had nice conversations but then you suddenly didn’t see him anymore. You assumed he was getting caught up in a lot of missions and became too busy, which lead to dreading if he could’ve been killed.

- This proceeded for years unbeknownst of him participating in the Akatsuki. But today, he saw you stand behind the podium winning cheers from the crowd. He felt the weird feeling of an adrenaline rush pumping through his bloodstream as his heart rate accelerated by the second he kept looking at you.

- He began to space out from your words, then pondered to himself how he followed the code of the Shinobi in order to “kill his emotions”, which would prevent the average from running wild and causing the mission to be a failure.

- Despite if he was able to feel a drawback from violence, he sadistically enjoyed fighting so there was nothing more that could ever make him feel so vulnerable. He didn’t want to look weak.

- Itachi noticed how Kisame stared at you and honestly he couldn’t blame him. But there was something he sensed other than the gravitation of your beauty, but more like Kisame was remembering you. Like he recalled your appearance from years ago and felt some type of desperation or allure to speak to you.

- “If you wish to speak to her, I recommend this cafe I saw not too far from here. Or take her for a stroll along the street side and visit this flower shop with the biggest garden. But do it when it’s getting darker— the time we’re not on duty.” Itachi assisted, much to his friend’s surprise. “Trust me, I don’t need my sharingan to see how you look at her.”

- With that, Kisame left an anonymous note, telling you to meet him at the heart of the village, where there’s an enormous flower bed, at 8. You wore a fitted kente dress with bell sleeves flaring at your wrists and adorned your hair with a head wrap—having the complementing color, red. His eyes lit up when he saw you approaching the address, watching you look around until you see a man rise from where he was sitting.

- Your mouth was agape in shock as you had a closer look, throwing yourself at him before slowly wrapping your arms around his neck. Kisame stiffened at your display of happiness since he wasn’t sure how you felt about his appearance, if you had a new life with someone or if you shared the same feelings as him. Yet, he wrapped an arm around your waist and walked with you that night.

Deidara

- Deidara felt at ease by the village he was assigned. Unfortunately, being tasked with Tobi made his experience less enjoyable than he would’ve liked.

- But he accredited Nikkōgakure for the artful displays of rainbow freckles adorning the window boxes, the raised medians, or by canopying storefronts. The village always seemed like it was in the presence of a clear sky; the sun mooring itself in the blue as if anchored to heaven’s ether. It wasn’t too hot, nor too cold but adequate for the black cloak he was wearing.

- Tobi openly expressed his awestruck by continuously wanting to stop at places. He even grabbed a brochure upon entering which contained a map of the village, since they were aware of often having newcomers.

- He wandered different places to the point where Deidara would be looking in one direction and next thing turn to see that Tobi is gone. He caught him sniffing the ingredients being chopped up at a vegetable soup stall; tasting some of the scooped broth from the wooden spoon the cook used to mix.

- Deidara snatched him from the stand, “You dunderhead! Do you know what we were even sent here for—,” Tobi raised a finger in clarification. “Don’t answer that question. We are here because there was traces left of a jinchuriki, while you’re steady lollygagging around with your head stuck in a shit-filled world of cupcakes and rainbows called your ASS! Hm. It’s like I’m looking after a fucking child.”

- But then, he noticed that Tobi was looking in another direction; poking his finger out for a black swallowtail butterfly. His menacing glare made the male detect it was silent and looked towards Deidara. “I’m sorry, what did you say again?”

- The blond growled in frustration, chasing after Tobi until he caught him and punched him unconscious. With a huge knot on the man’s head, he snored with a snot bubble drawing from his nose as Deidara dragged him by the back of his collar.

- Suddenly, the snot bubble popped shortly after Tobi awakened. Five minutes into realizing Deidara was pulling him, he caught sight of an art exhibit.

- “Hey Deidara!” Tobi’s childish accent startled the boy. “How did you—” “Look! An art exhibit!”

- Deidara begrudgingly turned to his side to see what appeared to be a church with gardened—pruned—shrubs of hydrangeas; blossoming large, globe shaped flower heads in shades of purple, blue, pink and white.

- “I’m not falling for another one of your shenanigans.” He resisted. “Oh please! I promise this is the last stop! Gaah, I thought you liked art.” Tobi whined. “Art comes in many forms. What would you know about it anyway? Hm.” “It just looks so pretty in there. Do you even try to take your time with things once in a while? Ya know to soak everything in? Enjoy it while it lasts? Yeesh, you should indulge in yourself more.” “Shut it.”

-Although, in the back of Deidara’s mind, Tobi actually made a point. Their duties often consisted of violence after the lead of Nagato or “Pain” concluded that the only way the world would turn away from its constant warfare would be to experience such catastrophic death destruction that it could never again stomach the idea of conflict.

- Nikkōgakure had many amenities that it already looked like it was in its own world of peace. There were only a few times the members had a day off, why not take the opportunity to enjoy himself a bit while he had the chance now? “Your pondering silence means you’re letting my words settle in, doesn’t it? Go on, I’m waiting.” Tobi said, beginning to file his nails. “You really have the nerve to test my patience when it’s my decision to choose how we’re carrying out our mission, hm. I bet you chose an art exhibit just because you knew I like art.” Deidara anticipated. “Who cares? Can we just go in now?”

- Tobi rocked on his heels and swayed in place in impatience, mentally questioning what could possibly be keeping the boy from submitting into a positive answer. Deidara sighed, “Fine, whatever. We don’t have all day.”. The man-child squealed and raised his arms in the air as he quickly ran through the doors. Approaching the exhibit, Deidara’s interest in the hydrangeas returned; feeling drawn to reach out to a grouplet of periwinkle flowers. He was surprised to feel the sensation of paper, stroking his thumb on the cut out petals to realize they were made out of coffee filters. “Incredible, they look so realistic.” He thought.

- On entering, it was even more colorful inside; each of the whitewashed walls possessed by the colors refracting and dispersing from the sun’s light. The walls had pictorial designs of contrasting pieces like mosaics but as stained glass. They took on the designs of flowers with their leaves blooming from the lead frame by being painted along each side of the room. Most significantly, up in the front of the main entrance, there was a large window panel of a tree; it’s branches winding away from it into leaves of different colors. They were soft shades of pink, blue, yellow and green. “Truly beautiful.” Deidara thought.

- Then, he realized he lost track of Tobi. Although Tobi was an adult and could take care of himself (past tense “could”), it was more like he couldn’t because of his antics. Plus, he wanted to make sure they remained on track of their mission.

- On his search to look for him, he was still in amazement of the exhibit and found himself walking down different halls. The building was a combination of both indoors and outdoors. Some of the roofs became like a greenhouse; transparent ceilings allowing the sunlight to shine through as rooms became greenery with more artwork.

- There was a imperceptible voice down the halls, so he began to follow it. He was finally brought to another room but it was filled with people. He almost ignored it until he caught a glimpse of a girl. You were on stage, a blissful smile wide on your face while he acknowledged that you were the one speaking. He took a double take once he saw you; your hair is in tribal braids, free of your face as they accentuated your golden features. Your eyes never aged, they still spoke of your youth and liveliness.

- Just as he remembered, back in the days before he joined the Akatsuki, you two were friends in his home village, Iwagakure: Hidden Stone Village or The Hidden Village of the Land of Earth.

- You were a ceramist in the Ceramic Village, a small village in the Land of Wind, who was a practitioner of Hanasaki. Hanasaki was known for its pure white color and the series of fine cracks that run along its surface which resembled blossoming flowers (befitting its name). As it brought fame to Ceramic Village, Ninja of Sunagakure frequently requested that parts for their puppets be made in the Hanasaki style, but Hanaski was already difficult to produce for mere ceramics.

- Masho, leader of the ceramic village and created of Hanasaki, rarely took requests because of this. However, you were compliant with many ninjas including Deidara who used the high-quality clay because inferior clays wouldn’t take the exact forms he wanted nor would their detonation be as impressive. Hanasaki was the best clay he found as well as you being the best person he could rely on it from.

- Ceramic Village began running low on Hanasaki but you had set up kilns and workshops throughout villages and found different types of clay, including a muddy clay in the Village of Lies. Back in the village, Masho and other Hanasaki ceramists were killed because it was bringing the village to its downfall from hugely relying on Hanasaki as a source of income. The killer‘s motive was that it would be better to pursue new art styles.

- But, you survived because you often hung out with Deidara, flying on his C2 dragon (a large, flight capable dragon), while he showcased different explosives and experiments he made. You convinced him into throwing them into the air like they were fireworks so he wouldn’t hurt the tons of life below you. He enjoyed seeing your reactions to his explosives because he wanted to impress you, to show you that your clay wasn’t going to waste.

- This soon came to an end when he suddenly left the village as an S-Rank missing nin. Now that he was seeing you currently, many of his memories were brought back to him and so were his feelings. The instant he saw you made him feel warm inside, like he body began starving for sweetness and clung to an emotional sugar source. The sound of your laughter along with the people in the room ignited something in him.

- “Deidara! There you are. You know you shouldn’t run off like that, I was looking all over for you. But I gotta say, I knew you would explore this place top to bottom.” Tobi said. “You dumbass. It’s not my fault you got lost in here and along that, sounding like a baby looking for his mom. Hm.”. Tobi shook away what Deidara had to say and instead looked ahead to see you. “Sweet mama, whose the babe? Don’t try to deny it Deidara, I saw you making goo goo eyes at her,” He began nudging him. “Come on you can tell me. Who is she? Your girlfriend? Best friend?” “She is none of your business.” Deidara said through grunted teeth.

- He wasn’t sure about going up to you. He expected that you would be mad, if anything feel betrayed that he could’ve used you for Hanasaki clay. Really, he enjoyed your company and developed feelings for you. But he didn’t think that you returned them and after all, there were many other ninjas you made clay for. So, he left without telling you, not thinking it would mean much or have a significance.

- Yet, here he stood, watching you shake hands with the host of the event as everyone applauded you for your speech. “I may be a dumbass but you really would if you don’t go and talk to her.” Tobi chimed into Deidara’s trance. “Don’t tell me what to do. Don’t you think I would if I could. Hm.” “Why can’t you? She’s right there! The gods have chosen you two to meet each other again!” “Would you shut up.” While they were bickering, you slowly walked up to the blond, recollecting your memories of your old friend.

- “Deidara?” His body jolted at the sound of his name, like you scared him or he was caught by surprise. He slowly turned to look at you, his roseate cheeks burning when you were much closer to him than behind the podium. You looked even more attractive to him being a short distance away; the way your lashes distinguished the gold flame in your brown hues, the way the sunlight shining through the transparent walls hit your skin. “Long time no see.” He could only say through his awestruck, expressing his familiar smirk he always given you. Maybe Tobi did hand it to him this time, he could’ve been onto something all along.

Obito Uchiha

- “Tobi” arrived at Nikkōgakure on his own. Instead of it obligating to be a mission, he knew where your whereabouts were and visited the village following as you described.

- “Dear Tobi, It’s a village named Nikkōgakure. It is very beautiful here; there are flowers everywhere and the people seem so happy. You will notice the disappearance of clouds but a clear blue sky, making way for the sun’s rays. I believe Nikkōgakure has made a settlement somewhere near the outer circle of the equator since the village’s weather is always content and sunny—just right. Turns out, I will be included in a meeting with other kages in order to suggest a change in poverty villages or else referred to as slums. They are low income places where people were displaced in from wars. We are planning to be supplementing money and food into these villages so they may rise and expand on shinobi forces. Then we could affiliate our alliances for times of need...meet me at the sun perennial garden. I hope to see you soon. Sincerely yours, Y/N.”

- You met Obito after he was saved from White Zetsu who was following orders from an elderly Madara. You were a subordinate of Madara, who took you under his wing because of your omni-benevolence. Along with his Eye of the Moon Plan; replacing the contemporary world of violence and death with one where nobody ever needs to die, he spent his time keeping a close eye on Konohagakure to find a suitable pawn to take his place.

- Omni-benevolence meant that you had the capacity to be infinitely good and good in every capacity that good is recognized by any sentient being in existence. This associated with embodying virtues that consisted of your capability of seeking unity and being able to join others or have others join you. You subconsciously emitted an aura that could induce emotions; generally that of compassion, courage, peace or charity. The inducement would draw others to you; alluring social attraction to make people feel appreciation, respect, trust or a liking towards you. It would form an allegiance with that person or anyone you encounter.

- Madara observed this and thought he could use it as another tactic for his idealism of world peace. He could use you to align different villages who crossed each other as enemies and end all conflicts that contributed to war. At the time, since you were only a simple villager who worked at an orphanage in Konoha, it took little for Madara to send Black Zetsu to sway you into Madara’s plans. Black Zetsu opted that you were born with supernatural/psionic abilities and could be the aid for world peace, leading you into the mastermind behind it.

- From the moment on, you were by Madara’s side and helped tended to Obito’s injuries; following the procedure of removing his body parts too damaged to be healed and replacing them with limbs cultivated from the cells of Hashirama Senju. Obito felt frightened by the legendary Uchiha but immediately fell comfortable by your mere presence. He felt indebted to Madara for saving his life, along with you and was willing to render any assistance he could, an offer Madara made clear he would collect upon. However, you had no harmful intentions and would often share your backstory with Obito as a way of bonding.

- Being an orphan himself; Obito grew up without knowing who his parents were and was left in the care of his grandmother. Hence, he felt alone in the world and aspired to become the Hokage so that the people of the village could acknowledge his existence. Finding out that you were training your natural abilities by working at an orphanage, made him feel warm and felt as though you were doing him a favor too.

- After witnessing the loss of Rin Nohara by Kakashi unintentionally plunging his chidori through her heart, Obito vowed to do anything for Madara if it could bring him together with Rin and Kakashi again. Now, Madara would explain his Eye of the Moon Plan and imparted all of his knowledge and plans to Obito, taught him abilities he would need moving forward, entrusted him with his possessions and would have you along with Black Zetsu to assist as a guide. Until Madara’s revival, he told Obito that he would act as Madara Uchiha.

- You knew all about the plan moving forward and there wasn’t a single bone of malevolence in your body. Although Obito was technically in leadership of the plan, you walked up to the man while he watched the sunset and made a proposal to him, newly as Madara.

- “How about we go through with the plan in two ways. I would like to go undercover as a Civil Rights activist to create conditions for the healing of the brain as a resolve to world problems and spread more love. To spread a new philosophical idea.” You said. “Look at you, Y/N. Too pure to be tainted by the world’s sickness. You sugarcoat Earth’s harsh realities with the idea that there can be social change. If anything, humans should be wiped off the face of the planet. We take and take from Earth and yet there is not plenty for all because some of us are greedy and seek a profit. God used to be our guide. Now people worship the corruption of money. There is much evilness upon our world. We lust after killing one another. And no one seems to care.” Obito unfolded, his voice almost cracking.

- “Madara has projected his hatred onto you. It is the Curse of Hatred that has imbued your disillusionment.” You softly whispered in his ear. “An Uchiha’s love can instantaneously turn into hatred, leaving them more inclined to do anything and everything in their power to achieve their goals and show their own superiority, regardless of the consequences and repercussions of their actions. I can heal that, I can allege the world in love.” You noticed he became calmer by your words, the pace of his breathing slowed and with the patient intent to listen to you speak.

- You continued, “Love reduces the cortisol, the stress hormone, which alters brain architecture for the better. Of course I agree with you that humans are imperfect, their flaws drilled and fracked into our planet. We aren’t evolved enough to be trusted with love. We’d try to engineer it, alter it, use it, weaponize it. Power addiction is always the wrong route to escape fear. The only way to understand love is to feel it, embody it, embrace it.” Obito stood in silence for a bit, you assuming that he was taking in your words. Then he sighed, “And you have a feeling this could work?” “Well, the question is, how do you know your plan will work? Will everything matter in the end?” He acknowledged your words again, feeling the lightest bit of hope. “Fine.”

- He concluded that you will have to send letters of your progress as evidence that your plan is going through development. Or else, they will result to what was set originally of projecting the Infinite Tsukuyomi on the moon in order to trap the world in a dream, thus saving mankind from destroying itself but robbing free will of the world.

- This lead up to recently, visiting Nikkōgakure to see you. Just like you addressed, you two met at the Sun Perennial Garden; the flower beds of Daylilies, Hollyhocks, Geraniums, Alstroemerias, etc. The huge glass enclosed garden was filled with butterflies and hummingbirds, like an exhibit, with pathways of stepping stones—tiny flowers blooming between the crevices. He felt that warm feeling again, just as he did when he was first getting to know you. He looked at you with your hair braided into dookie braids (or known as jumbo box braids) that lengthened down your back. You dressed in a patterned halter top with a matching wrap skirt and strapped heels, expressing your body to the homely temperature. He thought you looked more prettier than ever, not because of your open honey brown skin, but because of the peace illustrated on your face. It made him realize maybe the death of Rin could’ve meant something. Not that it was good.

- But was it for the sake of moving on? Meaning so he could make room for another? Or so he could realize the inevitability of death opens the door to pure potential that can make you a better, more open and loving person? All he knew was that it all had to wind down with him meeting you and slowly falling in love like you were saying. I can allege the world in love.

Sorry to keep everyone waiting! I hope you all are having a great day and enjoyed reading!🤎🍫

#naruto x reader #obito x reader #akatsuki x reader #Naruto shippuden x reader #deidara x reader #Kisame x reader #naruto x poc!reader #naruto x black reader #Akatsuki x black reader #obito uchiha x reader #anime x black!reader

216 notes · View notes

morganaspendragonss · 3 years

Text

holly's august extravaganza day 17: you and me (moving through this world as a two-man team)

for both my incredible birthday twin jenny (@laelipoo) and a little bit for myself! i hope you are having a wonderful, wonderful day and i wish you all the love in the world. i'm so glad we became friends and i cannot tell you how glad i am for our conversations 🥰🥰🥰

many, many, many thanks to jenny as well for helping me out with the plot!

ao3 | 3.1k | firefighter carlos, hurt/comfort, pining, developing relationship, major character injury (two of them 😌)

TK does not have a crush on the 126's latest hire.

Carlos Reyes: an Austin local, an incredible firefighter, and—objectively speaking—the most beautiful man TK has ever laid eyes on. Which is, in fact, the entire point; TK has eyes and, yes, he will use them to sneak a look or two when he’s suddenly sharing space with a man who looks like a Greek god.

That does not mean he has a crush, Paul.

(and, sure, maybe he does sometimes dream about how soft Carlos’s lips look and the soft blush he gets when he laughs and those little flecks of gold in his eyes, but he’s only human)

(how TK knows about the gold in Carlos’s eyes is none of anybody’s business)

The thing about Carlos Reyes is that he isn’t only stupidly hot; he’s also just plain nice. TK can’t even make up a flimsy excuse to keep his distance. Carlos is, quite literally, perfect.

He shares recipes and book recommendations with Paul, he spars with Marjan, he discusses superheroes with Mateo, and Judd has had nothing but good things to say since before Carlos even joined them. Apparently they’d worked together a lot before the explosion, when Carlos was with the 116, and he’s ‘one of the best damn firefighters’ Judd has ever seen.

He even makes time to hang with the paramedics, which...isn’t a new development, exactly. But it is recent, and TK is willing to bet they’d still be pretty divided if Tim hadn’t suddenly transferred back to Maryland and he hadn’t taken the leap to be a full paramedic.

Even after that… His friends were hardly going to abandon him after he switched, but Nancy had still only been semi-included at best. She’d called him out about it during their first week working together, but fixing it had been a slow process.

Until Carlos came along, that is. Excluding Judd, they all regularly hang out at his place now, and Nancy’s inclusion had never even been a question. Safe to say, Carlos has charmed everyone in the firehouse, including both captains, and the worst part is, he doesn’t seem to realise he’s doing it.

He’s perfect, from his freakishly toned body to his infuriatingly sweet personality to his incredible skills in the field, and TK does not have a crush, goddammit!

One morning about three weeks after Carlos’s arrival, TK is greeted in the firehouse by the sound of a long, beautiful laugh coming from the kitchen. Three weeks is an embarrassingly short amount of time to admit that he’s memorised everything about him, but he instantly recognises the noise as coming from Carlos, even if he can’t see him yet.

He saunters into the kitchen, where Carlos is standing with Paul, and leans up against the counter. “Hey.”

“Hey.” Carlos turns with a winning smile and holds out a steaming mug of coffee, clearly freshly made even though TK only got in two minutes ago.

He blinks. “How—” Then, taking in the slight pinkness to Carlos’s cheeks, “Are you seriously offering me your own coffee, Reyes?”

Carlos shrugs, forcing the mug into TK’s hands. “I only just made it so technically it belongs to anyone, and I can always make another,” he says. “Besides, you look like you could use it more than me.”

His grin has TK narrowing his eyes and stubbornly refusing to drink even though Carlos is right—he really, really needs it.

“If I didn’t know any better, I’d say that was an insult.”

“Who says you do know better?”

TK splutters, momentarily left speechless in the face of Carlos’s smile and the twinkle in those goddamn eyes. He turns to Paul for help, but Paul...has disappeared. Huh. TK honestly hadn't noticed him go.

He shakes his head and looks back to Carlos, only to be stunned silent again by the way his smile has softened into something else, something more.

TK’s heart skips a beat or two and he swallows, staring down into Carlos’s coffee. “Whatever, Reyes,” he mutters.

It was too late for a witty comeback anyway.

Carlos’s laugh follows him out of the kitchen, and TK wonders when, exactly, he let himself fall this far.

“Earth to TK? Hello?”

TK is rudely snapped back to reality by one Nancy Gillian’s hand waving violently in his face. He scowls at her, to which she responds with an eye roll.

“Stop drooling over your man and come help me with inventory.”

“I’m not drooling,” TK argues, following her over to the rig. “And he’s not my man.”

“Right,” Nancy drawls, folding her arms over her chest as she leans against the ambulance. “So you’re just going to deny that weird energy around you two that makes the rest of us feel like we’re creeping on something?”

“Exactly.” TK nods emphatically, then frowns. “Wait, what?”

Nancy casts her eyes heavenward. “You know,” she says, “you’re a lot of things, Strand, but I hadn’t pegged you for oblivious.”

TK’s next words are reflexive, said without thought for the consequences—the story of his life, really.

“I’m not oblivious!”

The grin spreading over Nancy’s face rams home just how much he’s fucked up with those three words. TK drops his head in his hands and groans, unable and unwilling to look Nancy in the eye.

“Not a word,” he warns, which Nancy appears to respect, for now. TK is well aware that there will be words—several of them—later, whether he wants them or not.

The thing is, he really isn’t oblivious. He knows perfectly well what Nancy is talking about and he has often fantasised about all the things he’d do to Carlos given half a chance. TK likes Carlos, way more than just in the physical sense, and he’s pretty sure that Carlos likes him right back. It would be so easy to start something between them and, god, TK wants to. He just… He can’t.

One year—that’s what he promised himself back in New York. One year on his own to sort his head out and figure out how he fits back into the world after the overdose. Granted, his sobriety anniversary is only a couple of months away now, but he refuses to give up on his promise, especially when he’s so close.

Maybe in a couple months, if Carlos hasn’t gotten bored of something that’s clearly going nowhere.

But not now.

“He did not ask me out!”

“He totally did, dude, and you know it. You want to say yes, I can tell.”

“No, I don’t. I—”

“Children,” Tommy interrupts from the back of the ambulance. They’re heading to a callout, and Nancy has not let up the entire way about something TK is certain never actually happened. “Either of you want to enlighten me on what the argument is about this time?”

“TK’s too chicken to go out with Carlos,” Nancy jumps in, before TK can stop her.

“I am not!” he protests. “Plus, he wasn’t asking me out, he said we should go over to his place for dinner sometime, which Carlos does all the time. So there.”

“Strand, you are not this dense,” Nancy snarks, probably rolling her eyes. “His exact words were, ‘You should come over sometime’.”

“We were all there! It was obviously the plural you.”

“Oh my god—”

“Alright!” Tommy sighs wearily. “Nancy, can we keep from provoking TK until we’re back at the firehouse and he’s no longer driving?”

“Ha!” TK exclaims, but Tommy’s not done.

“TK, if I weren’t your captain, I’d be telling you that Nancy is right and you should pull your head out of your ass before it’s too late, understand?”

Now it’s Nancy’s turn to be triumphant as TK struggles to form a coherent response. Thankfully, he’s saved from further torment by them finally pulling up at the scene—a warehouse where one of the workers had become trapped after parts of the upper level walkway had broken and fallen. Apparently, the falling metal had caused some of the machinery to malfunction, turning the call from simple to beyond complicated in a matter of minutes.

“TK, grab your turnout gear and your bag; I’m sending you in with them,” Tommy informs him as soon as they’re out of the rig. “Normally, we’d just talk the firefighters through it over radio, but given your training it’ll be quicker and safer for you to deal with our patient.”

TK grins; he’s missed the adrenaline rush of running into emergencies more than he can say. “Got it, Cap.”

“Maybe try and look a little less happy about a serious injury, too.”

“Copy that.”

The noise when they enter the warehouse is deafening, an ugly screeching cutting right through TK’s skull.

“Shouldn’t they have shut the machines off?” he shouts, fighting to be heard.

“Apparently they can’t,” Judd calls back. “Something wrong with the control panel, I don’t know exactly what.”

TK groans—just what they need. The sound is lost in the din, but Carlos still looks over and gives him a sympathetic grin, shrugging in a ‘what can you do’ motion. TK can’t help but grin back, the mere sight of Carlos easing the annoyance he feels and the headache already beginning to build behind his eyes.

Their patient, when they reach him, is pinned under a large, heavy-looking sheet of metal. He’s bleeding from a gash on his temple and his skin is worryingly pale, to the extent that TK can tell even from a distance. He jogs to the patient’s side and kneels down, pressing his fingers against his neck.

“Cap, I have a pulse,” he reports into his radio after a few seconds. “But he’s unconscious with a head wound, and I think there are probably injuries I can’t see yet. Possible spinal damage, but I can’t tell until we’ve got this metal off him.”

“Copy that,” Captain Vega says. “Get ready to run a line; he’s gonna need it as soon as he’s free.”

TK nods and moves to secure a c-collar around his neck. “We need to cut this thing off of him,” he says, addressing the team. “Quickly, but carefully.”

Judd steps forward, brandishing the saw. He hands TK a couple of spare turnouts and kneels on the patient’s other side. “Couple of you need to cover him, and yourselves.”

TK doesn’t even have to ask before Carlos appears next to him, taking one of the turnouts from him. He smiles gratefully before arranging himself to provide maximum protection to all three of them as Judd starts working on the metal. The vibrations from the saw are unpleasant, and TK dreads to think what effect it’s having on the already unstable machinery, but it’s the only option they have to get their patient free.

Fortunately, everything seems to go off without a hitch, and soon the team are able to remove the metal. TK immediately gets to work, feeling for any damage. As he suspected, there’s a pretty large gash on the man’s leg which is bleeding badly, though thankfully it seems to have missed any arteries. He also seems to have a broken wrist, but he should heal.

TK quickly wraps his leg, then gets Carlos and Judd to help move him onto the spine board. It feels like, for once, the call has gone as smoothly as possible, and TK allows himself a breath of relief as they prep to get the guy outside to the ambulance.

Naturally, that’s when everything goes to hell.

The machine closest to them lets out a threatening groan and shudders before there’s a loud roar and it explodes. On instinct, TK folds himself over the patient as shrapnel rains down on them, and he sees Carlos doing the same in his periphery.

The downpour seems to last forever, but eventually it slows and comes to a stop. TK cautiously lifts his head, his heart pounding, and sags in relief as it seems that the worst is over.

They need to get out of here, now.

He stands, a brief stab of pain running through his back—probably because of his awkward position over the patient—and turns to Carlos, reaching to offer him a hand up.

Only to see Carlos’s face tight with agony, and then the cause—a jagged piece of shrapnel running right through his hand.

“Carlos,” TK breathes, horrified. Carlos looks up at him, his breathing carefully measured and his eyes wide, and TK drops back to his knees, reaching out for him. “It’s okay, I’ve got you, don’t worry.”

Carlos swallows and nods, his eyes squeezing tight. TK’s heart rate skyrockets, and he’s barely able to keep his cool as he signals to the others to get their first patient out of the warehouse.

“Cap, the team are bringing him out, but we have a problem.”

“Talk to me, Strand, what’s going on?”

“It—It’s Carlos.” TK breathes out shakily and takes a moment to steady himself before continuing, “It’s not serious, but some of the machinery broke apart and some shrapnel impaled his hand. I’ve got to stabilise the shard before we come out to you.”

“Alright, but hurry. I don’t want you guys in there for longer than necessary.”

“Copy.”

Stabilising the shrapnel with rolls of gauze and wrapping Carlos’s hand should be a matter of course—it’s an easy process that TK could probably do in his sleep. But this is Carlos, so his damn hands won’t stop shaking and he almost fumbles and drops his supplies.

He manages though, and soon he’s helping Carlos up, instructing him to hold his injured hand above his heart. Carlos sends him a wobbly smile, which ends up turning out to be more of a grimace, but it’s a comfort nonetheless. Things could have gone so much worse today; TK could have even lost him, and he would have never been able to—

But that’s not important. Carlos is okay, or he will be, and they still have plenty of time to figure out whatever this is between them.

Everything will be okay.

TK’s back and side twinge again as they make their way out, but he brushes it off, too focused on getting Carlos to the hospital as fast as possible. Tommy shakes her head as they make their way over, her eyebrows raised despite the concern clearly in her expression.

“Never a peaceful moment with you, Strand, is it?” she asks dryly, hissing as she inspects Carlos’s wound.

“In my defence, Cap,” he says, more at ease now that they’re safe, “it’s not me who’s injured this time.”

Tommy hums, then directs Carlos into the back of the rig, jumping in after him. “Get back here, TK. Nancy’s driving.”

She has a teasing look in her eyes that instantly makes TK suspicious, but he moves to comply, shrugging off his turnout coat as he does. The movement hurts, which is weird, but he thinks nothing of it.

At least, until Tommy’s eyes go wide and she stands from her seat, holding her hands out towards him. “TK, do not move,” she instructs, her eyes firmly fixed on his right side.

TK frowns, then follows her gaze down, and— Oh.

His grey undershirt is stained with blood, and it’s difficult to miss the large piece of metal sticking out of his side. He has no idea how he missed it, but now that he knows, the pain slams into him full force, causing him to stagger.

“Oh,” he gasps, eloquently.

Then, his legs buckle and the world goes black.

TK wakes up to a steady beeping sound, which only exacerbates his pounding headache. He groans, scrunching his face up, before slowly peeling his eyes open, almost slamming them shut again after getting an eyeful of obnoxiously bright fluorescents.

“You’re awake,” a voice says, sounding surprised, then the lights suddenly dim, the room lit by the gentle glow of a lamp. TK sighs in relief and shifts to look at his saviour.

It’s Carlos.

“You… You’re here,” TK states, confused. His gaze drifts down Carlos’s body and lands on the white bandages around his hand, the memories of the warehouse suddenly hitting him all at once. “Shit, you— How are you?”

Carlos shakes his head and comes to sit in the chair by TK’s bed. “I can’t believe you’re the one asking me that.”

“I’m a paramedic, it’s my job.”

“Not when you’re the one in the hospital bed,” Carlos counters, sighing. “If you must know, I’m fine. They gave me some pretty good drugs, so…” He shrugs, and TK can’t help but laugh, which proves to be a very bad idea.

His side lights up, an unnecessary reminder that TK is very much not on the good drugs, and he moans softly, slowly settling back in the bed. “I hate you,” he mumbles, eyes closed.

“You love me,” Carlos says, and TK’s heart seizes in his chest.

The silence after his words is deafening, so TK forces himself to crack his eyes open enough to look at him. Carlos is frozen in his chair, biting his lip hard, and he looks like he either wants to bolt or be swallowed by the earth.

TK thinks he should probably be feeling the same. They’ve been dancing around this issue for weeks now, and he’d thought he had it under control. That he could last that little bit longer until his one year was up; that he could ignore these feelings that have been steadily growing since he first laid eyes on Carlos.

It was a hopeless endeavour; he recognises that now. TK remembers the fear he felt when Carlos was injured back at the warehouse, the desperation for him to be better, and now with his own injury…

He could have lost this chance before he ever got it, and TK isn’t about to let it slip through his fingers now. He reaches out and takes Carlos’s good hand, startling him into meeting TK’s eyes.

“Yeah,” TK whispers, just loud enough for Carlos to hear him. “I think I do.”

The smile Carlos gives him lights up the room, and he doesn’t waste any time in leaning down to kiss TK. And it’s… It’s everything TK had hoped and imagined it would be and more. It’s soft and sweet and gentle and perfect, and he never wants it to end.

But end it does, though Carlos doesn’t go far. TK smiles at him, squeezing his hand with all the strength he can muster.

“That’s a yes, by the way,” he says.

Carlos frowns. “What?”

TK’s smile widens and he flicks his eyebrows at Carlos. “To dinner. Or were you not asking me out after all?”

Carlos huffs a laugh, and the look in his eyes when they lock back onto TK’s melts his heart and makes his entire chest ache. “Does Friday work for you?”

He nods, tugging Carlos down for another kiss. “It’s a date.”

60 notes · View notes

sugar-petals · 3 years

Note

Hey Caro ☺️ I just took your super m quiz - thanks for making such a fun quiz, I feel like it helped me get into super m! I know nothing about them yet but I thought it fit soo well that I got Kai bc I’m a full time dancer - now you have me super curious about him 👀👀

KAI :: INTRODUCTION MASTERPOST (dance focus)

so you wanna know about the god of k-pop choreo? oh yeah, i’ll talk to you about fucking kai! if you dance, this guy is the #1 must-know. once you see him move, there’s no going back. i don’t exaggerate: kai is the gold standard. brace yourselves, i’ll show you why.

kim kai aka kim jongin (27) is a solo artist and super m’s plus exo’s main dancer — est 2019 and 2012 respectively — heading either group with a passionate, hyper-physical style that roots in his early practice of of jazz dance and ballet. the influence definitely shows.

learning choreography, he’s become the gorgeous fusion of emotional grace and explosive power that unites both tension and extreme accuracy. while at the same time: never sacrificing his interpretation. and HOW MUCH HE BLEEDS FOR HIS CRAFT. he enjoys it so much.

and he’s communicating it 100%, jongin’s dance is so interactive and raw, luring. i swear to god, put the seatbelts on for this one. it’s never just him, it’s you as well. you’ve never seen this before. he’s like “yes, i meant you, i’m looking at you”:

he’s even gonna modify the choreography to point right at you to underline that very thought. he’s so good, he can learn it, ace it, epitomize it, and do his own thing anyway. even the person in the last row will get whatever point kai wants to make. this is dance that belongs on the biggest stages.

even when he films without a crowd, it’s like you’re literally standing opposite to him. he focuses on two people: his moves, and the viewer. he has it look like you made him smile and self-aware, or you made him determined. INCREDIBLE. he shows his charisma, BUT he also shows your own (!) impact on him. it’s a duet. he wants you to join him on the dancefloor. this is from exo’s call me baby mv where kai does his famous come-hither:

he flirts and he encourages. he values the audience and wants them to be confident as well. i think it’s the reason why he’s so outstanding and addictive, kai thinks beyond himself. it’s a tango he involves you in with his eyes and how he opens his body, interprets a lyric.

it’s not about imposing himself going one way. instead: he plays the back and forth ALL. THE. TIME. in any context. whether it be frivolous, or fun, or gloomy, or sweet. even with a simple little smiley wink it’s happening. and he acts like you had a reaction to it. there’s literally just a camera.

this guy’s physique, strength, elegance, feeling for the beat, character portrayal (!), and control is unbelievable. he’s destroyed it in every fancam out there. he can’t switch it off even if he tried. your eyes would go toward him in the largest group formation still. put him in the center, that’s his spot, he showcases it.

because he doesn’t just show learned moves, he makes it radiate something dynamic and animalistic (he embodies superm’s ‘tiger inside’ all the way).

jongin’s dance says: i love this, you love this, let’s do this, the feeling is right. he makes bodies and unrestrained touch the opposite of wrong, he pronounces it a source of having fun and being instinctual. and he never breaks the tie with you throughout, and uses his shoulders and lips to put the oomph into it.

he uses innuendo and a ‘we both know’ sentiment perfectly as an invitation rather than just going through his routine. that’s how he can make each move fascinating. you can tell kai knows exactly how to make everyone scream their lungs out. i bet somebody held their breath just reading this post already.

exo’s most famous choreo is ‘monster’ (kai focus linked) with good reason: jongin can turn himself into nothing short of a roaring beast. it’s one sharp, complex move after the other. kai can bend any gravitational law he wants to show any feeling and pose he wants. a glimpse:

now, how to spot him in general if you’re new to him? here are some pointers. kai’s execution is clean, fast, and powerful. those are two decades (!) of experience showing. kai is an all or nothing dancer, he plays no games. he treats every group and solo stage like his best and last. his work ethic is beyond words. yeah, he’s a capricorn. his style is direct as can be, working every axis.

as you can see, jongin is hard to overlook anyway: he’s a 182cm giant made of steel. he strives to acutely visualize impact in his style and it is always successful. in fact, it’s his signature. it’s like he creates invisible objects and pushes through them. boom, he just burst another bubble.

when the song gets to his part, i guarantee you won’t miss him and all the boldness and expression he brings to enrich the performance. hell... he carries it. jongin can handle the center, i’m telling you. (look how fast he rotates here)

talking features — this is what to look for when he dances in a group setting: you can recognize kai’s face by how wide, bluntly structured and sensual it is. jongin is a sight. he has such an aura, serious, sultry, and smiling alike.

with a very recognizable silhouette (like... holy hell!):

he’s very cute as well ♡ the fandom and kai himself have an adorable analogy going on. jongin calls himself a teddy/nini bear and we joined in on it. (i made a thread about it here, it talks more about his offstage life) — hence kai’s fans are called eri-gom, eris as in exo’s fanbase and gom meaning bear.

and i mean. look at him. what an attractive guy. he’s that handsome. strong brows, teddy eyes, square jaw, swept hair, glorious lips, tan skin.

now yes, something important concerning his appearance and a serious topic: i don’t want to list you the endless instances of colorism that kai has to endure but it has to be mentioned. jongin has been called every name in the book and people agonize him over his skin incessantly. it goes on and on and on. every day a new terrible comment about him emerges because some pitiful person thought it was funny and would elevate them.

he’s had to deflect, ignore, reframe, defend, remotivate, assert, harden, prove, denounce, and push himself, protect his confidence, decline skin bleaching constantly, laugh along, dance and practice thrice as hard to get the respect, and still see his dignity torn to pieces all day. i’ll just give it to you straight, that’s all fucked up. kai’s skin is perfect, he’s amazing and wonderful.

in his own words:

— exactly right. say it even louder.

having him at the bottom of every joke is weird and messed up. this man is an utter beauty and nothing has to be fixed. it is up to him to define himself rather than get called ugly for his skin’s appearance by default, and get whitewashed at every opportunity. it’s been going on for 27 years, he scrunitizes himself all the time and doesn’t look at himself fondly because he hears these beatdowns daily.

it’s heartbreaking that this happens literally with no end in sight (’kai is just a stripper!’... ‘he has bad vibes’... ‘darkest guy jongin!’). for his skin, and how he decides to show it, too. jesus christ his skin looks fantastic, end of debate. they just can’t handle him, kai couldn’t be any more immaculate.

♡

jongin has vigorously protected fans from discrimination, bullies, and shaming himself whenever it came up. in a very straightforward and deadpan manner because he knows exactly how it damages you. (”J” in the subtitles = jongin, he’s wearing the plain white top at the very back)

we need to protect and praise him that way right back. it’s important.

so, needless to say. all in for jongin getting the center stage he deserves. because he has the wow factor in every regard. kai usually opens an MV because there’s no better way to get people’s attention with that level of presence. with kai, you can’t go wrong. if you get the center in a an all star group like superm, you are the king.

being part of that presence, kai’s stage alter ego has reached levels of infamity you can’t even imagine. it’s great to see him being sovereign without apology.

and it doesn’t stop there. he shows time and again that acting, props, and commanding the audience has to be mastered to be an exceptional dancer. kai owns his sex appeal. sometimes, he even dances a portion of choreo with his eyes closed because he’s feeling it so much.

he is a pro in using his surroundings as well, superm’s stages are a glorious opportunity for kai to show how he comfortably ‘lives in’ the 3D space around him.

which makes the viewer do the same: watching kai makes you feel amazing, energized, but also serene and enjoying the moment.

there’s always balance. it’s the magic of it. e.g. he comes along with so much impetus and decisiveness but eventually, he halts to offer himself. here i am — take me. i’m yours. closed arms, open arms. walking, kneeling. looking down, looking up.

kai goes every extra mile there ever was and makes each eye contact count. involving the audience, one grin at a time. it works. it’s about establishing contact. he connects to the onlooker with so much nuance.

kai’s smirk is notorious and you can see why it’s so raw and real: he makes it linger. it’s such a duality since his dancing says i’ll come over, while his message is come and get me, i know what’s on your mind.

with a hilarious twist – kai expertly uses humor. you don’t get that in many dancer repertoires. i love it. all those quick expression changes. his smile! 😊 what a man.

so — what makes him so good and known: yes, his style doesn’t deny that dancing and eroticism are one in his business. that takes courage. kai has it. iconic performances have been his reward. point dance/killing part: exo’s love shot choreo.

that suit has swept the nation. what’s more: kai shows you it’s more than just good hip movement that a good dancer needs. he does everything at once, he puts the pleasure on his face, all his limbs are following the template he chooses.

the thing is. kai couldn’t be any shyer, but when the music starts he becomes a oscar-winning madman. he emotes constantly (!) and stays in character. this is gold.

jongin always plays it up. he knows how to use that face and does a lot of power posing. this is how visceral looks like. he’s interpreted exo’s aggressive concepts to a T.

and he has so. much. fun. it propels him. on every beat.

past every hurt, heartbreak and injury, man. if you know about his genre you knew this was coming, kai does all of that with 4 herniated discs. since debut days, never recovered. every gif in this thread, he dances with a battered spine. wheelchairs, stage collapses, relapse-recovery-schedule tales, the dilemma of injuries being inevitable, limping, kai falling into depression during breaks, constant pain killers, countless tears on stage, we’ve seen it all, the extreme end of it.

kai works out like hell to literally keep his body from falling apart. but it doesn’t help the nerves in his back that are impacted. doing choreo you can sometimes literally see the pain kicking in and he pulls himself through with force for the last minute. once you know how strained his back is, you can see it.

at the end his expression goes fuck now it’s coming when the adrenaline fades. he takes every second-pause he gets to rest but still finishes each move. even when he holds back, he keeps it together and executes each turn. sometimes, he has to restrict himself and soften his movements to protect his health (especially in hard choreographies such as lucky one which is universally disliked by exo — still jongin makes the very best of it smiling bright and dancing so hard his sleeves come off).

he frequently states he ‘dances in any case unless his legs are affected by something’. all torso injuries are fair game, this guy is hardcore. and people claim he’s just pretending. chen (a fellow exo member) says not a single part of jongin’s body is intact. he has paid every price to get this far to follow his love. he’ll step on stage with crutches. he works SO HARD.

that being said: exo being called the official nation’s group, i say kai is the nation’s dancer. period. he has had his great moment at the korean olympics flawlessly dancing in a hanbok with traditional instruments and fulfilling his dream.

i love the tension and drama he can bring. he can also thrill with slow, vulnerable movements alike.

kai’s is called a legend, he’s all that and even more. the facial expressions alone are feared by any kai stan because they hit home.

this guy is a sex icon and goes off like a gun, messing around was never kai’s incentive.

while at the same time being incredibly nuanced and so, so descriptive with his movements.

point dance: baby don’t cry. yep, kai has danced in water. must-watch.

this man loves what he is doing. he said he wouldn’t regret to die on stage because dancing is his destiny. boy, it shows. this guy has found his purpose. he can tell any story he wants. he’s a complete artist.

he’s perfectly portraying his incentive and he couldn’t look any more like a god on earth.

long story short, kai is dance and motivation goals. if you dance professionally, you can easily look toward him for the right words.

if you want to further your study and knowledge: he released a self-titled solo album recently. highly recommended. he worked forever on it, and he’s really dishing it on there. you get to hear his soft voice plus sizzling footwork. and he isn’t even getting started yet. you’ll hear from kai, i promise. he constantly achieves new levels of artistic perfection.

a last remark. jongin is amazing for a myriad of reasons that go beyond what i show you here given the post focuses on his work on stage. but the point stands, while other people have tried to break him, he broke through every barricade instead and stood up for himself. we can be extremely happy to have him and witnessing his unreal dance is an exceptional pleasure. here’s to jongin continuing his passion and confidence, healing, and getting the sweeping respect and acknowledgement that is his.

121 notes · View notes

remuswriting · 3 years

Text

please notice; kenhina

Summary: Kenma doesn’t understand why it bothers him when Kuroo and Hinata talk.

Pairing: Kozume Kenma/Hinata Shoyo

Word Count: 784 words

Warnings: N/A

Notes: I know this isn’t x reader but like kenhina. I don’t think my Kenma portrayal is all that good but this idea only works in his pov. Also, I am literally only coming on here to post writing and stuff because I’m writing things I actually like right now.

Read on AO3

Kenma doesn’t understand why it bothers him when Kuroo and Hinata talk. It’s not like he becomes full of rage by any means but it just irks him and he can’t help but just keep looking up at them from his PSP. All he wanted to do was play The Legend of Zelda but Kuroo and Hinata were standing too close.

They were talking about volleyball or that’s what he assumed since he couldn’t hear them. Hinata only ever thought about volleyball and Kuroo did too but just not on the same level. It was probable that they were talking about blocking since Hinata found Nekoma’s captain so cool. Kuroo enjoyed the praise since he rarely got it from anyone outside of Lev.

“What are you staring at?” Yaku asked, and he looked over to see Kuroo and Hinata. He chuckled and Kenma didn’t know why. “You’re going to reveal your crush if you’re not comfortable.”

“Crush?” Kenma asked with a scrunched up nose and confused expression.

“Yeah, the one you have on Kuroo.” Yaku looked like he wanted to ruffle the setter’s hair. “Don’t worry, he doesn’t know.”

Kenma didn’t know either. He hadn’t been made aware of this crush he apparently had. Not that his friend was ugly by any means, because he wasn’t, but Kenma had never thought of Kuroo in that way. He saw him more as a pest and best friend, sometimes a brother but that was only when Kuroo’s sister visited.

“Okay,” Kenma said, and Yaku nodded as if he had helped settle something. Kenma wasn’t sure what there was to settle.

Kenma stared at Kuroo and Hinata, and he watched how big Hinata smiled. He looked like he was glowing whenever smiled like that and Kenma loved when he smiled like that at him. It always made him feel warm and content. Hinata was just warm and inviting though.

Hinata laughed and it was loud enough to where Kozume could hear it. It was clear and bright and warm. Nearly half the gym looked over at the sound and all of them had some form of fondness on their face. Kenma had never noticed how people looked at Shoyo before and he wondered what he looked like.

Maybe he had a crush on Kuroo and this feeling of annoyance was because he couldn’t compare to Hinata. No one could compare to Hinata and he was so out of Kuroo’s league, so it’s not like his best friend could actually manage to get him. If he knew this, then why was Kenma still bothered by this?

Hinata pouted as Kuroo ruffled his hair and Kenma didn’t care what the rooster head guy looked like because he didn’t look as cute at Hinata. He didn’t have those big brown eyes that turned amber in the sun and hollowed out whenever Shoyo got so into a game that Kenma couldn’t believe. Kuroo didn’t have expressive eyes and Kenma couldn’t even remember the color of them.

It was a no brainer that Kuroo had offered to teach Hinata something in order to get him to stop pouting. Once volleyball was mentioned, Hinata was bright again with smiles and laughs. It was cute to see how quick it took for him to cheer up. Kenma didn’t want to look away because he could miss it.

Why did he keep staring at Hinata if he had a crush on Kuroo? Maybe he wanted to make sure nothing weird happened between Kuroo and Hinata. Kuroo could be weird at times, never on purpose though. He was just weird.

Hinata looked over at him and smiled so brightly. Kenma’s heart felt like it had stopped because he’d never seen a smile like that given to him. Hinata rushed over, his ginger hair glimmering under the gym lights. He was beautiful.

“Kenma, will you set for me?” Hinata asked, and they were so close. Hinata had never known personal space and Kenma was drowning in the scent of bar soap and sweat, but it didn’t bother him all that much.

Being close to Hinata never bothered him.

Kenma looked over at Kuroo, who had some kind of look. A look that said to not believe what anyone told him when Hinata stood in front of him.

“Because whenever you watch shrimpy play, you have the same expression on your face as when you’re about to play a new game you just bought.”

“Yeah, but only a couple,” Kenma said, and Hinata jumped up in excitement.

“Woo-hoo!” Hinata yelled, and his voice always sounded so warm and happy. “Let’s go!”

Kenma let himself be dragged by Shoyo because he knew he’d be okay wherever he’d take him.

#kenhina #kenhina fic #haikyuu fic #haikyuu one shot #kenma kozume #kozume kenma #hinata shoyo #hinata shouyou

92 notes · View notes

cherryhanji · 3 years

Text

all the love, hyunjin.

oneshot. hyunjin x jisung, hyunjin x female reader

genre: college au from the onset, high school au, neighbors au, tinge of fluff, angst

words: 2.8k

warning(s): super duper slight mention of alcoholic drinks, and nothing heavy at all except for the extreme trashy plot twist pfft, italicized words are in present times

•••

alexa's note:

y'all its good to be back after a month(?) of not writing hihi, good thing that my fam @districtninewriters decided to hold a valentines' event for their writers! Go check them out here! make sure to read my fellow writers' entries coz u won't regret it, they're amazing as hell!

•••

_____

It feels so good to be back home (even tho you went back last christmas but only for two days). Three years are too much and you missed staying for long at your childhood home. This time, you'll stay for a week so you will do everything with all your might while you're at your parents' house. And one thing from the list is to clean your room. Though you are aware that your parents sometimes clean it. But since you were here, it's time to declutter all the things that are no use for you.

You started by cleaning your closet, removing all the clothes that you don't need anymore. Bringing out all the ones you needed when you come back at the dorms. While rummaging through your clothes, you saw the brown box nicely placed at the bottom of your closet. You forgot that the box was here since your closet was stuffed with clothes. A smile crept up on your face as you grab the box. That box contains all of unnecessary things that you kept from your high school years.

You sat on your bed as you open the box, completely forgetting that you have things to do as soon as you open it. Torn pages from notebooks, folded papers, pictures, arcade tokens and random stuff are inside. Smiling as memories rush back everytime you see a specific stuff. The smile that was on your face eventually disappeared when a pink folded paper caught your eye. You picked the paper up and opened it. it was the letter from your neighbor, your bestfriend hyunjin. remembering how you felt after reading this letter from him.

•••

y/n. it's hyunjin.

i know you know why i made this letter. but if not, well i just joined our school's event. this is nuts and unexpected. but i guess this is the right time..? or probably not but i think of this as an opportunity. so why let it slip?

i know you'll be weirded out, and i'm expecting it tho. but pls don't worry. you don't have to do anything. i just want to give this to you so you can be aware of what i'm going to tell you.

•••

you suddenly remember that he made this letter because of the foolish idea your school came up for the valentines' day that time. it was when you were all in your ninth grade, almost 6 years ago.

•••

"So how many letters are you going to give to Jisung?" your friend, Ryujin asked as she fiddled with the letter she received from someone.

"Ryu, I already told him that I won't give him and he understand. And please, couples aren't required to do it. We already know that we feel the same for each other, so why bother? Jisung knows how special he is to me." You said, frowning at her. you already told Jisung about it. It's not that necessary and it won't affect your relationship, like it was such a shallow thing to do.

"Your annoying bestfriend's outside." Ryujin said and pointed at the door where you saw Hyunjin.

"I'll just go to him. Go read that letter with all your heart. Maybe they're the one for you." You said and gave her wink which made Ryujin roll her eyes at you.

"Hey stupid." You said as soon as you approached Hyunjin who pinched your arm jokingly.

"Hello too, my stupid best friend. So what are you up to?"

"You were the one who went here and you're the one asking that? I'm gonna ask that to you, what are you up to?" You said making Hyunjin silent, but the boy just rolled his eyes at you. What's with people and they keep on rolling their eyes on you?

"Whatever. You busy? Just wanna ask you to go with me to the mall. My treat." He wiggled his eyebrows at you and showed her mother's credit card.

"What the-- did you just stole your mom's card again? Wait let me tell her--" Hyunjin tapped your arm when you tried to get your phone from your pocket. He looks like he's the type of guy who wouldn't do it, but you've known him for years and he can be a sneaky rat sometimes.

"No I didn't- I asked her okay? And she let me because she knows I'm with you. She likes and trusts you so much she lets me use her card for our mini-date" He said and wiggled his eyebrows at you. This kind of banters are normal between and it doesn't really affect you, tho sometimes, or you should say, you used to feel moved by this kind of retorts from him. this means nothing to you now, as you said so to yourself.

"Okay, okay fine. But Jin, Uh, uhm. Jisung already asked me a while ago, and I said yes. So I might not be able to join you with your mini-date. Sorry." It's obvious that his expression changed into something that made you feel somewhat guilty.

"Oh, why did I forgot about that? Okay, nevermind. Enjoy your date then." He said and flash you a smile, and you can really tell that it was just a facade. But you decided to brush it off.

"Why don't you ask Ryujin? Seungmin? Felix?" You decided to suggest, since the three are his friends too.

"Uhm, yeah. I'll just ask them. Good luck with your date, by the way. I know Jisung will make you happy, especially it's your first Valentines' date together." He replied making you grin like an excited kid.

"Don't smile too much, you look ugly, remember?" He retort making you glare at him. He's back with being a mood breaker. He is really your best friend.

"Whatever, you look ugly too, you know that? Anyways, I need to go already, maybe Jisung's waiting for me. See you tomorrow then?" He nod before bidding each others' goodbyes, a little pained knowing that you won't join him for the first time on Valentines' day. Every Valentines', You and Hyunjin have a tradition of mini-date every Valentines' after school. Treating each other foods, but mostly Hyunjin was the one who always spends since "he proposed this idea to you" which you immediately agreed because Hyunjin's so fun to be with. But after rejecting him for the very first time, makes you a tad guilty. But he understand it, right? Yeah, he understands it.

•••

You had a nice and special day with Jisung. It feels surreal, because you were able to celebrate Valentines with the person you like, the guy who cherish you with all his heart. Jisung is a nice guy, and you'll do everything not to hurt him. He has a special space in your heart. The guy you're sure who will stay with you no matter what happen. Like Hyunjin.

You shook your head when Hyunjin suddenly passed by on your train of thoughts about your boyfriend. Hyunjin is different, he is your best friend, your confidant. The guy who you grew up with and also has a special space in your heart. But they are utterly different. Jisung is Jisung, he is your boyfriend. Hyunjin is Hyunjin, your bestfriend.

"Y/N! Y/N" You went out of your trance when you heard your mother calling your name downstairs. You just got home from your after school Valentines date with Jisung, and you must admit, you feel giddy, extreme butterflies took flight in your stomach. Everything was just perfect for you.

"What is it, Mom?" You went downstairs and saw your mom at the kitchen.

"Hyunjin's outside, calling for you. He's outside, I'm letting him in but he said he won't stay long, he just need to give you something. Go to him, don't let him wait." Your mom beckoned you to go to Hyunjin, you checked the time first and its already 7 in the evening, what's with him?

You saw him standing outside, looking edgy, making you baffled. Your "hey" made the boy jump a bit and flash you an obviously nervous smile.

"What's up? Mom said you'll give me something. What is it?" You said as you approached him, the higher the proximity, the nervousness he feels also increases. But why?

"Uh, hey. Uhm yeah. I'm gonna give you something. Uuhm- here it is." He gave you a folded pink paper with his trembling hands. You attempt to open it but the guy moved faster.

"Please open it after I leave. Please?" Your eyebrows knitted and nodded slowly, agreeing with the way he prevented you from opening the letter, making you more confused.

"So what's this all about, Hwang Hyunjin? Is this some sort of prank? A blackmail?" You said joking. Hyunjin just gave you a sheepish grin, completely lacking of words to reply to you. The answers are inside the paper he gave you. So what else would he say to you?

"No. Just promise me that you will open that one when I leave, okay? So, I'm gonna leave now. See you tomorrow?" Hyunjin bit his lip, bidding his goodbye to you before he sprint out of your sight, didn't dare to wait for your response. You just rolled your eyes and shrugged, examining the paper he gave you. But there's a sudden strange feeling crept inside you, didn't have an idea why and where it came from. You went back to your room and decided to read the letter there.

•••

Just promise me one thing. don't you ever dare avoid me after reading this. but maybe i'll understand it if you do. i am not insensitive you know?

yep, i like you silly. i don't know when this whole thing started. i swear, it's like wow, what's this i'm feeling? do i like y/n? oh yeah, i like her. i see and feel things differently when i started liking you, but not in a creepy way! i'm not that kind of person! it's like even if you're just doing those normal things like you always did back then, it feels more special, bizarre. is it always like this if you feel something romantically towards that person? or am i just overreacting? whatever it may be, that's what i felt.

remember when you slipped on the hallway because of the slippery wet floor, good thing i was with you and i am able to catch you, then you told that you really can't live without me? maybe for you it just casual, just a friendly banter, but for me? not gonna lie, it made my heart jump out of my chest. and luckily my face don't blush that too much, you're not able to see how affected i am with that. there are more, but i won't write that anymore. It won't fit in this goddamn piece of paper!

•••

Did you expect this? Absolutely not. But you wished he told you sooner, sooner so you won't feel any regrets now. He likes you, but do you still like him? You definitely don't know. You already have Jisung, but do you think that reason is enough? Your mind is rambling with thoughts. All you were aware of is you used to feel the same way for him. But is it still here? You really don't have an idea. Why does it have to be late?

Hyunjin is the type of person who you will easily like. With his bubbly, sometimes slow-witted (yeah he is) but caring and loving persona, you'll just eventually love everything about him, no wonder all girls from your school are after him. And you are an example of it. Having an advantage as a best friend. You are lucky that you are one of the women he treasures the most. And you are grateful for it. Too grateful that you started growing feelings for him that exceeded the line of being just best friends. It lasted for about two years, you know you were too young back then, but it's Hyunjin and you know how much he cares for you. But soon you realized that he's just being like that since you are his best friend. So you tried moving on, thoughts of telling him about what you feel passed your mind but didn't have enough courage to do so. Now, knowing that he feels the same way too, made you feel somewhat regretful. You are mad, just mad. But do you have any rights to be mad at Hyunjin? Actually none. Guy doesn't even have an idea you like him too. This whole situation is so much frustrating than you've ever imagined. You never want this to happen, no one wants. Now, you have no idea what to do, with Hyunjin's feelings. He did mention that you don't have to do anything, he just wants you to know how he feels, but it's like something inside you was telling you otherwise. What are you gonna do now?

•••

you know, you've been my bestfriend for years ever since you live in this neighborhood, and i am so grateful for that. i am grateful enough to know you, grateful enough to be a bestfriend that is always by your side. So please, please don't say sorry if you don't feel the same way. i just want to tell all of this to you, because i can't always keep this secret. i needed to vent it out. i need to tell you. so that i won't regret it in the future.

i can see how happy you are with jisung. and i am not planning to steal that happiness from you. what kind of friend am i if i'll do that? i know you too will last, i can feel it. but don't forget me, yeah? i am still your bestfriend, your neighbor, and your best boy.

all the love,

hyunjin xx

•••

You were thankful that Hyunjin stayed by your side after all those happened. He accepted that he won't stand a chance anymore. You tried and tried, to get rid of those feelings left you have for him and luckily, you did. You were happy with Jisung.

You picked up another folded paper, this time it was a letter you made. For Hyunjin. You planned on giving this to him, but you soon realized that all your feelings for him are much better left unsaid. You don't want him to feel remorseful just because he didn't tell you what he feel sooner.

You heard the doorbell rang, immediately jumping out of the bed, thinking that it was your parents.

"Coming!" You shouted as you run your way down the stairs and greet the person from the other side of the door.

"Mom? isn't it too earl- Oh." Your rumblings abruptly stop when you saw who is the person, are the persons outside your home.

"Hey Y/N! how are you?" Ryujin greeted you and envelope you with her warm bear hug, a smile automatically creeping up on your face, as the other people flash you a smile.

"I-I'm good. How about you guys? Come in, come in!" You said and let them inside your house.

"I'm definitely fine! These two? I don't have an idea." Ryujin said as he rolled her eyes at the two, making the other guy frown.

"Don't tell me you two fought right before going here?" You asked the guys nod in unison.

"Exactly, because he almost declined from going here. What a brat, didn't you miss your best friend?" Jisung said making Hyunjin sigh in defeat.

"I do! It's just that I am not in the mood to get up from my bed. Our very entitled professor just rejected my proposal that I worked for almost two weeks, just wow." You can't help but to laugh at your best friend, he really did not change, so dramatic ever since.

"You know, you just need a date. You're depriving my best friend hm? Maybe Jisung's not being a responsible boyfriend I think, do you agree Ryu?" Ryujin sneered and nod in agreement, making Jisung groan.

"Am not! He's the one ignoring me these past few weeks, and you'll pass the blame on me? What a sweet best friends you are." Jisung babble making you all laugh.

"Well, don't fight now, please? Let's just all catch up with our lives. What do you guys want to do?" You suggested.

"Pizza delivery and soju please! I need that" Hyunjin suggested and you immediately agree.

"Gotta go upstairs and grab my phone, be right back." You said and run upstairs to get your phone.

You bit your lip and realize that you still have an unfinished business in your bedroom. You just shrugged and tidied the box, storing the letters back and putting it back inside your closet. For now, you just want to catch up with the people you cherish.

•••

oh my, this is my first time writing a scenario involving member x member pairing, tho not the main pairing, but i rlly hope u like it🙃

- alexa

#districtninewriters #inkidz #stayverse #stayhavennet #skzwriternet #stray kids #skz scenarios #skz imagines #hyunjin x reader #hyunjin imagines #hwang hyunjin x reader #stray kids drabbles #skz drabble #hyunjin drabble #skz #stray kids scenarios #stray kids imagines

49 notes · View notes

darkpoisonouslove · 3 years

Text

Sparks of Life Opera Edition

I am still not over Singing a New Tune so I am going to recap for you the experience of writing that fic because there were many interesting moments over the course of those three days. Lemme start from the beginning.

- So I’m writing a fic that mostly focuses on sexual stuff but it is also mainly happening in an opera so my first order of business is to figure out what that opera is. Both the building itself and the show they’ll be watching. Because that is of utmost importance.

- I have already mentioned that SoL is located in New York so I looked up New York operas. I do not vibe with research most of the time but I vibe even less with having to come up with names for any kind of thing so research was definitely the choice here.

- I somehow get results about operas that are in the other end of the USA. That was not great. I get to the Metropolitan Opera House at last (which I might have known existed if I cared about opera in any way, shape or form) which is great! I am so close to starting the fic! Just need to figure out what opera they’re watching. Because I need that for reasons.

- I end up downloading a PDF with the seatings inside the Met Opera so that I can figure out where the hell they will be seating. But I leave that for later. I look through the actual plays that they’re having while absolutely failing with the navigation of their site. I find a show that catches my eye. It’s called The Magic Flute. I have zero idea what it’s about so I read the Wikipedia summary just to be aware. It mentions that a character has a moment when he’s singing about his search for a wife and I think “Perfect! Foreshadowing!” (since this is set pretty early on in Griffin and Valtor’s relationship).

- I decide to look up the opera and see if I can find a part of it on youtube to figure out how it will sound. I am pretty sold on it already because of the summary I read and also because it implies there is magic as a subject in it which would call back to canon. Still, I look it up. I find a full version of it on the internet with English subtitles... It is 2 hours and 35 minutes:

youtube

- “Wow, okay... that’s a bit much. But hey, it has got subtitles in English. Maybe I’d actually watch that... once I’m done with the fic. I’m just gonna listen to a little bit while I finish my research, though, so I can have an idea of what it sounds like.”

- Now it’s time to open the engagement fic - Enough to Be Yours - because I don’t remember what year they got engaged in and I need that to reverse engineer the year in which this fic is taking place so that I can make sure that The Magic Flute was being performed back then. I don’t have an year stated in the engagement fic, though. I have a date - 9th October which is Friday and that means the year is 2015. Great! So I need to figure out if they were performing The Magic Flute back in 2010. Great.

- That takes a shit ton of time and nerves as it turns out. I spent over 4 hours just researching the logistics for this fic and a lot of that was unnecessary but I’m getting ahead of myself.

- I cannot find out whether they were performing the Magic Flute in 2010. I get results of it being broadcast in English (for the first time, I believe) in 2012 but that is way too late for this fic to be happening. Also, they are speaking of a broadcast which just doesn’t work for me. So I am having a hard time over here.

- I find a list of the new titles in 2011 but nothing mentions The Magic Flute as far as I can see.

- I am now considering switching to another opera. I see an opera that is based on events from The Song of the Nibelungs (I cannot be assed to go back and check what the actual title was). That catches my eye because I have read a book that was titled The Ring of the Nibelungs, I believe, and I kinda remember stuff from it... which is what makes me hesitate because that was a big tragedy.

- Meanwhile, I have stumbled upon a trailer for The Magic Flute:

youtube

MY GOD IS THAT BEAUTIFUL! THOSE PROPS ARE FUCKING GORGEOUS! WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN THAT YOU GET TO GO AND SEE THAT LIVE? THAT IS NUTS! (Also, when I mentioned paper birds (I think they are) in the fic, I meant the ones shown in 0:13, not the big one in the beginning but HOLY SHIT, DID YOU SEE THAT THING????? HOW IS THAT REAL?!?!?!?! IT IS SO FUCKING AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I CAN’T. I AM DYING. THIS IS JUST TOO BEAUTIFUL.)

- I somehow happen upon an old archive of the opera (idk how I did that but I bookmarked it in case I’ll need it again) that has information about plays going back as far as the year 1900. This is nuts! I am in too deep but I can’t pull myself away. I’ve gotten this far, I will see it through.

- I search for keyword “flute” and I get results. Some of them are pretty old but I finally find what I need. Performances of the Magic Flute in 2010! Bingo!

- ...Oh, wait, they’re all around Christmas and New Year’s Eve. Hmm... when will it be okay for them to go? I mean, Valtor has been established to have zero free time around that time of the year and I can’t see them going on the 24th or the 31st... Oh, those are matinees. Definitely no! I need them to go in the evening. And some of these are broadcasts which doesn’t work for me either.

- I looked up earlier years as well. I considered another opera again. I decided to switch up the timeline a little. It makes sense if it’s in 2009. I think they had spring performances of The Magic Flute then. Or was it 2008? Anyway, I finally settle on an early April date in 2009 (I think). Now that that’s settled, let’s go back to the seats.

- First I need to figure out what floor (let’s say) of the opera they’re on. I was thinking of the last one first (family circle) but the boxes (I figure those seats will be safest for their activities) look like this:

which isn’t vibing with me because they would be in the front row and it seems more visible. So I relocate to the previous floor (balcony) that looks like this:

That works a little better although there’s the danger of having more people in their box. But they’re sitting in box 14, seats 5 (Griffin) and 6 (Valtor) (where the arrow is pointing) and there’s only one man in seat 4 in front of them. So that is the best I can do.

- Wow, all that’s finally figured out. I decide to do all the rest of the research up front in order to be able to just write after that and not stop for another 4 hours. More on those other things later BUT I get to the part where I need to pick a vibrator and... well, I done fucked up.

- First thing that comes up for a remote controlled vibrator is Lush, of course. And I am immediately sold because it has a sound activated setting which Valtor will definitely love to utilize while in the opera.

BUT

Lush 2 (which is the first one to have the sound activated setting, I believe) came out in 2018. Even if we accept that Lush also has it, that came out in 2015. My fic is set in 2009. Searching for 2009 vibrators literally went no where so in the end I decided that the SoL verse is actually set in a parallel universe where time is a little warped so the Lush 2 is out in 2009. Plus, that way there isn’t going to be a pandemic in future installments. Overall, that works. Except that I needn’t have been so thorough with my opera research beforehand. Oh, well. It’s finally time to start writing.

- How do you write? How do you start a fic? One word in front of the other? Oh, okay, never mind. Lipstick is a girl’s best friend. Let’s start from there. And a kiss that leads to the discussion of lipstick... Damn, I forgot to spend one more hour on researching what kind of lipstick Griffin would have worn. Shame! You don’t get that detail now. I believe I didn’t even mention a shade.

- Oh, wait. Need for his breath to taste like something. Hmm, let’s see. Tonic water? Yeah, that sounds about right. Never mind that he should have probably drunk it right before getting out of the car to kiss her if it was still lingering on his breath. I mean, that’s not impossible. Just improbable.

- He’s also wearing cologne, right? Gotta research that too. How else would I get this:

and zero idea what it actually smells like despite the description. Also, did not check if that was a thing in 2009 but the story now exists in a vacuum so who cares.

- Apparently, Griffin doesn’t own any golden bracelets even though she does have a golden necklace? Or she could have a golden bracelet, just not one she likes for the current situation? Anyway, I wanted to mention Ediltrude as well because the twins always go together and that was the best I came up with. (That said, I didn’t need to put the mentions of them one sentence apart.)

- My god, I used a semicolon! That feels illegal. I sure hope I used that bitch correctly.

- Okay, I absolutely love all the banter and just flow in the car. Idk how I did that since it’s such a constricted space but I am really proud of it. However, the logistics were sometimes hard to logic my way through. I mean, Valtor doesn’t get to look at her a lot and I had to employ a red traffic light to give him the chance to do so.

- I hit a wall about three paragraphs later. Things started going in a weird direction. I was considering even deleting the last two lines but then I managed to get back on track thanks to having figured out how they met and I decided to write a little bit about that without spoiling it (that will be a fic of its own some day). Suffice it to say it was a meet-very-ugly. But it bailed me out. Also, they got over it so it’s all good.

- And now... that paragraph. You know which one I’m talking about. It stands out with the locations I’ve given. That paragraph required 30 minutes of looking at Google Earth to figure it out and I still nearly got it wrong. At that point it occurred to me that they’ll need a place to park. I mean, idk how parking is in NYC but it’s probably not the way it is in Bulgaria especially on small neighborhood streets where it’s just... park wherever (even in front of a garage if you’re brazen enough and don’t fear having your tires slashed). So first, I was going to have them coming down Tenth Avenue and passing by the backside of the Opera which is not ideal for me because I needed Griffin to figure out they’re going to the opera so that they can have the following dialogue. But there is the New York Public Library of the Performing Arts right next door so I figure Griffin will recognize the area if it’s next to a library. And I have them almost at the garage but... that’s not looking right. This garage is on 65th Street and mine is on 62nd... I have been looking at the wrong garage for the past hour. Now that I have caught that mistake, things get easier. They just drive right past the facade of the opera, take a right turn and then enter the garage. Easy peasy. For whoever’s actually paying attention to the map.

- They’re in the garage now and I have to write another kiss. Shoot! I do not vibe with writing kisses. Writing sex scenes is much easier. But I’ll try my best because this is a little bit necessary if we’re dealing with an insertion of a vibrator in a public bathroom one minute from now. (Again, logistics!) I actually went back to add in a little discomfort during the kiss (but not too much because they’re consumed with each other anyway and probably missed something) just to make it more realistic. They can’t be comfortable in the car. Also, you have got to love how I never even thought of what make the car is. But I did stop to research the tinting of the car windows.

- Now this is extremely funny but I would have had zero idea that there are different laws about how tinted your car windows can be in the USA if I hadn’t read a very extensive critique of Fifty Shades (whichever part it was that had that info). So I look up the VLT for New York and it says 70%. Great! Then it won’t be that visible through the windows what they’re doing inside. Oh, wait! VLT means Visible Light Transmission aka 70% of the light should be passing through the window. Aka it is only tinted on 30%. This much:

That’s practically nothing. You can see everything through it. Welp, then someone’s gonna see, I guess.

- Can’t believe I didn’t stop to look up clutches either. (Lmao, I was calling it a purse instead of a clutch at first even though I definitely meant a clutch. And then I remembered that clutch existed as a word. Who would’ve thought?) It’s baffling trying to figure out why my brain was prioritizing some details over others and I just genuinely have no idea what was going on.

- Griffin is blushing a lot in this. Can you tell I have no idea how else to convey Valtor giving her feelings through body language?

- I first envisioned the box being opened by the hair pin by turning it like a key. Only later did I realize that that wouldn’t be possible because the pin has two parts (whatever they’re called) and that would make turning it impossible unless all of the base fits into one hole in the lid of the box. So I had to adapt my vision to using the extensions at the ends of the hair pin like a hook that pulls the lid up once it’s clicked free. I have zero idea how that would be done but I’m sure it can be done. So yeah, anyway, the pin looks like this but with attachments at the ends to open the box:

- I might have gone a little overboard with Griffin’s reaction to having the vibrator inside her. I might have made her a bit too embarrassed but I still think that she simply wouldn’t appreciate someone knowing about what she considers a private experience (despite the very public setting).

- And I am being overly specific again with the seats but I worked for that information so you’re getting it against your will!

- Speaking of, that man in their box was pretty ignored throughout the fic. But then again Griffin wasn’t overflowing with lucidity. She is sure to have missed... A Lot, actually.

- My apologies (once again) to @her-majesty-wears-jeans for not letting Griffin punch Valtor in the face for the terrible pun he was about to make but I thought that that would ruin the mood so I had to skip it.

- I might have imagined things a little differently but then consent factored in and I had to change things up so that Griffin is clearly on board with everything. I hope it came through that way at least. She is on board even if she is very, very frustrated. She would never throw the bet just because it’s difficult for her. Though, I’m taking note for future fics of maybe being a little bit more explicit about the enjoyment of all parties involved. I just couldn’t really think of a way to convey it better back then and I am coming up with several ideas now and I will try to keep them in mind for future fics.

- I keep going back and forth on just how far into their relationship this is. Sometimes it feels like it’s not enough time for them to get this familiar with each other and sometimes it feels like too much for them to still be skirting their feelings for each other like that. Will update when I make up my mind about how long exactly it has been.

- In retrospect, probably should have picked up an opera that people would be less likely to bring their children to (as brought to my attention by @her-majesty-wears-jeans). I apologize for this. Did not consider it at all.

- A wild tangent about Griffin’s sexual experiences before Valtor popped up (for the second time now). This is giving me thoughts and I am not even sure if I’ll manage to get them all out in the bachelorette party fic. Oh, no, I am getting ideas again.

- God, I had to mention those paper birds because I adore them. Also, needed to do a time skip somehow (sure hope they don’t show up at the very end or the very beginning).

- So there are some things about the whole thing with the suit jacket that if you squint, you’ll miss the very far-fetched and convoluted ways in which I could make them make sense but again, it isn’t impossible to make them operate according to logic so good enough.

- And now for the dress:

I thought it would be reasonable for Griffin to own something like that. It doesn’t look overly expensive or dramatic.

- I swear that most of the 2% angst was an accident. Griffin was supposed to say the “You paid how much for tickets exactly just so you could fool around?” line but the following few paragraphs sprang on me out of nowhere. That was where I left it off the first day I was working on it and I wasn’t sure how to continue it. Then the angst happened.

- I do not believe the retaliation part was planned but would it really be a Griffin x Valtor story if something like that hadn’t happened? XD

- “reverberated”, “multitudinous” and “unobtainable” are probably not words that Griffin’s muddled mind would go to in that precise moment but everything else I came up with for them just did not sound right.

- I completely forgot the word for neckline and was so mad at myself for that but, luckily, I managed to remember it before posting the fic. I believe the original read “he slipped a finger under the fabric of her dress, running it over the top of her breast” which is not incorrect but just not precise enough for my liking.

- Sure hope the shortened version of the opera did not cut out the ending musical sequence. But that seems unlikely.

- The idea was running overly long in my head by having them going back to the penthouse so that I could have the scene where he picked her up so I decided to move things around and have him carry her bridal style on their way from the opera to the car. It’s not like she didn’t earn it.

- Pretty sure I had planned something a little different for the last several lines of dialogue but I couldn’t remember what so we get this. Which isn’t a disadvantage. I mean, Griffin is already thinking of marrying him. XD (That’s probably a bit of a stretch at the current status of their relationship but then again, she was thinking of a wedding, not necessarily of their wedding even though I’m clearly a little romance gargoyle that meant exactly that.)

- Originally, Valtor was supposed to floor the brakes while they were out in the NYC traffic but then I decided that doing it while still in the garage with only one car behind them and both vehicles driving at a very slow speed was a lot safer so I switched to that. It also saved me writing more words which was appreciated. I thought this fic would be a bit shorter.

- I was at a loss for how many orgasms Griffin should want from him but then the commitment line happened and that was all avoided.

#winx club #winx griffin #winx valtor #griffin x valtor #covenshipping #sparks of life #singing a new tune #trivia #trivia tuesday #research #my writing process #the magic flute #yeah no cut and this is gonna be hell on mobile #i know #i'm evil

9 notes · View notes

pandoraborn · 3 years

Text

Coping, Part 3

( previous. )

Characters: c!Tommy, c!Ranboo, c!Techno, c!Wilbur, c!Phil Word count: 1885 Content: dissociation tw, unreality, broken bonds, broken trust, healing, hurt/comfort, sbi family feels, found family, dead!wilbur, revival mention

-----

Tommy already misses the days when he could sit in the back corner of his little dirt shack and dissociate. He misses when he could pretend reality doesn’t exist anymore, and it’s just him and himself in a sea of nothingness. Today though, Ranboo is sticking to him like glue, much to Tommy’s annoyance.

He can’t even bring himself to be too mad though, because the alternative is going back to Techno’s cabin and facing him, and Phil, and Wilbur. Tommy knows they’re inside. Every time they pass by the cabin, their voices carry outside, filled with laughter, and sometimes a concern that Tommy doesn’t miss.

He’s jealous. He wants to be in there with his father and brothers, he wants the feeling of safety, but Tommy doesn’t remember what safety feels like anymore. Sure, Ranboo offers some sort of comfort and stability, but Ranboo isn’t safe either. Tommy is well aware that on a moment’s notice, Ranboo could easily snap and attempt to kill him.

Not that he blames Ranboo; it’s not his fault he’s under Dream’s control.

No, it’s best that Tommy keep his walls up. He doesn’t want to speak to anyone in his stupid family, no matter how left out he feels. They all hurt him personally, and he’s tired of it. He’s happier in Ranboo’s ugly house, with Ranboo’s pet cat. Enderchest is the closest to safety he knows.

He doesn’t know how long he’s spent in Ranboo’s house. By the time Tommy finally lets himself come back, it’s significantly darker, though he wonders if that’s because they’re in a snow biome, and the days are already shorter. Poking his head out the window, Tommy allows himself to get lost in the shades of purples and pinks in the sky before Ranboo is shaking him again.

“Tommy, you’ve been avoiding that place for ages,” Ranboo points out. “Almost the entire day. I gotta kick you out soon.”

The teen grumbles in response, turning back to Enderchest. She lets out a quiet meow as she nuzzles into his hand. “I could just easily go home. I’m not needed here.”

“You and I both know that the second you make for the portal, they’re just going to grab you again.” Ranboo sits next to Tommy, letting out a sympathetic sigh. “I know being here isn’t ideal for you, and they’re trying to give you space, but they do mean well.”

“What would you know?” Tommy snaps. “You weren’t personally betrayed by all three of them, one right after another. In fact, they did the complete opposite with you. They gave you a home. You have a place to go, you have people to rely on.”

“Come on, we had such a nice talk earlier,” Ranboo points out. “You and me talked about this already. They love you. They want you in their lives, they just suck at showing it.”

“Yeah, we did talk about that. But I also seem to remember telling you that I’m not ready to talk to them.” He scoops Enderchest up and holds her close to his chest. Normally, he’d rather have a dog, but right now, Enderchest is doing more wonders for his psyche than anything else is.

“How long do all four of us have to wait for you to be ready? Because this is a really slow pace.”

“Bitch all you want, memory boy. I’m focusing on myself for once.”

“No, you’re relying on unhealthy coping mechanisms to get by, and I’m kind of getting tired of watching you do it. You had a couple of days already, the least you can do is go inside.”

“Why do I have to leave your house? You’re nicer than Techno is.”

“Technically, because they’re the ones who kidnapped you. I think they’d want you around them instead of me, and besides, Wilbur’s in there.”

“Wilbur’s a fucking ghost,” Tommy mutters darkly. “His opinion doesn’t exactly count for much right now. Selfish bastards, the lot of them.”

There’s no verbal response from the enderman hybrid. Tommy continues to pet Enderchest, taking comfort in the way she purrs and squints up at him, completely content in his arms. In this moment, he envies her. That feeling of utter contentment and safety is a foreign feeling to him, and right now, he wishes he were a cat. Someone holding him so carefully and lovingly must be nice.

Well, it’s nice until Ranboo pries her from his arms. Tommy’s initial reaction is to start crying, reaching back for her, but before he can grasp her fur, Ranboo is hauling him to his feet, nearly lifting him up off the ground.

He feels like he’s throwing too many tantrums lately.

It’s hard to combat though, because everything is too much. Reality aches. Physically, emotionally, mentally, everything in between. He can feel himself being walked back towards Techno’s cabin, where he’s urged inside and handed to someone else. Tommy cries harder when he feels a pair of arms wrap around him, holding him close.

“I thought you might want him back for the night.” Ranboo’s voice sounds far too distant for his liking. “I’m going to go back home, and.. yeah. Just call me if you need anything.”

There’s that sound of a door closing, taking all of Tommy’s hopes with him. The arms around him don’t fade away into nothingness, and neither does Tommy’s mind. The utter lack of dissociation this time is more confusing than anything else. There’s an unfamiliar warmth in his chest as he’s picked up again, cradled in someone’s arms.

“Tommy, I am so very sorry for what happened to you.” The voice above him sounds weird. Logically, Tommy knows it’s Phil. It’s Phil’s arms, Phil’s voice, and Phil’s concern, but there’s a crack in the voice that sounds very unfamiliar; he might as well be a stranger.

“No you’re not,” Tommy forces out. “No one ever is.”

“We are.” That’s Wilbur’s voice. “Do you know where you are right now?”

“No.” He closes his eyes. If he can’t see them, they’re not there. Pretending he’s back at home is far nicer, anyway. In his fantasies, Enderchest is there as well.

“You’re in Techno’s cabin,” Wilbur continues. “You’re in Phil’s arms, and Phil is talking to you. So am I, Wilbur.”

“You’re dead,” Tommy counters. “What you have to say means shit.”

“Tommy, please open your eyes and look at us.”

“I don’t want to.” In spite of himself, he’s burying his face in Phil’s chest. That unfamiliar warmth is growing warmer, almost achingly so. Tommy recognizes it as a feeling of safety, but he wants desperately to push it back down. He doesn’t want to feel it with this lot. They hurt him. “I hate all three of you.”

“Do you really hate us?” Techno’s the next to speak up. “Or did you convince yourself of that because of everything that happened? Because from where I’m standing, it looks like you’re just saying that to be stubborn.”

That’s enough. Tommy’s eyes fly open and he wretches himself away from Phil to strike at Techno. It’s not a hard hit, but it’s hard enough that Techno reels back and rubs at his shoulder, with wide, almost hurt eyes.

“You don’t get to be upset,” Tommy snarls. “You don’t get to look sad, alright? You don’t get to hurt me over and over again, only to be sad when I decide to work on my own terms. Why do all of you suddenly love me again? Where were you when Wilbur went crazy and blew up L’Manburg? Where were you when I was exiled? Where were you when L’Manburg fucking died for the last time? Oh, that’s right, you were doing the blowing up. Save your fucking sadness, Techno.”

There’s another long pause, similar to when he was in Ranboo’s house. This time, Tommy doesn’t have a cat to comfort him or keep him steady. He has his own shaky breathing, trembling hands, raw anger and...

and...

...and Techno wrapping his arms around Tommy, ruffling his hair and whispering in his ear. Techno, saying that their family is too broken, that Tommy is carrying too many burdens and that he finally deserves a break.

Of course he breaks.

Instead of slipping away this time, Tommy crumbles into a boneless, sobbing mess in Techno’s arms, crying harder than he ever remembers crying. He’s desperately clinging to his older brother, grasping weakly at his sleeves and hair, afraid to let go. Letting go this time means Tommy will dissociate, and he’s so, so tired of escaping into a fantasy, when he finally has comfort.

He wails when Phil lifts him again, pulling him away from Techno. Of course Tommy shifts to cling weakly at Phil, feeling smaller and more vulnerable than he did seconds ago.

“We’re going on vacation,” Phil says. “We’re going away from here, just the four of us. We think this place, and the SMP, carry bad memories for all of us, and we think taking you somewhere completely new will do wonders.”

“Don’t leave me again,” Tommy whimpers. “ Please, please just don’t leave me again.”

“Phil knows someone who can help me,” Wilbur interrupts. Tommy can feel Wilbur’s hand on his head now, so he leans into the touch. “You know how Phil is ancient? We can go somewhere far, far away, meet new people and forge new memories.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Tommy’s throat is starting to ache now. He’s spent, wanting nothing more than to sleep. At the same time, he just wants to enjoy the comfort. He feels like Enderchest, safe in someone’s arms with that stupid feeling of safety. He’s not pushing it away this time.

“I can be revived, safely.” Wilbur sounds like he’s beaming. “Phil knows people that can help, we don’t need Dream or anyone around here. We can also learn to heal and become a family again.”

“You promise?”

“Yeah.” Techno chuckles. “We’re all fucked up, but we’re together, right?”

Tommy nods, letting his eyes close again. He’s tired, and dimly, he can feel himself being rocked.

“Sleep, my child,” Phil whispers. “We’ll leave soon, alright?”

“You’d better not leave me behind ever again. I can’t handle it anymore.”

“No,” Wilbur confirms. “None of us are ever getting left behind again. We’re a family again, and I personally promise you’ll heal. Just promise all of us one last thing, alright?”

“What’s that?” Tommy cracks an eye open to peer at Wilbur.

“No more unhealthy coping mechanisms,” Wilbur says. “Ranboo was messaging us all day, saying he had to keep a close eye on you. If you want to heal, we’ll all heal together, but you have to stay with us, alright?”

“Get me a pet and we’ll talk.”

“Tommy, I have dogs. I have so many dogs, I could give you ten dogs and it wouldn’t matter. You can have a dog, just pick one.” Techno starts laughing.

“Not tonight.” Tommy nuzzles more into Phil. “I just want to be with you.”

Phil coos. “That, we can do.”

Okay, so maybe Tommy isn’t a cat, but he’s a sixteen year old boy, and he’s feeling safe for the first time in months. Broken family, broken trust, whatever. He’s starting to feel like he’s home again.

26 notes · View notes