just been thinking about how well night in the woods captures derealization

i don’t think i have the exact same problems as mae but as someone who struggled with derealization for like 7 months the feeling she describes as everything just being ‘stuff in the universe, lines that someone wrote’ hits so hard. when you’re in a state of derealization, it feels like you’re untethered to anything. everyone is a cardboard standee to you and you feel like you’re in a tv programme, and everyone’s just reciting their lines, repeating lines of codes. you want it to hurt, cause god damnit it would mean something.

when it got real bad i would just thrash around my room and try and break shit, just to prove i can touch something and my hand won’t go right through it, and i think mae’s breakdown on andy cullen is exactly what i wanted to do to make myself matter somehow and prove that the world i was living in was full of objects i can interact with.

it was all shapes, everyday, and it felt like everything was gone forever, but it being talked about it in a game,, i dont know it made the world feel a little more real to me. the whole idea of ‘at the end of everything, hold on to anything’ is such an important sentiment because at times like that you’ll use anything to ground yourself; little things that remind you that you’re a real person are crucial.

i don’t know i’m just rambling but i’m so glad i got out, and i just wanted to share what this game means to me :) if you’re going through something like this just remember it’s not forever. there’s always hope for you. i love you and you mean alot to me even if all you’ve done is read this post - we’ll feel real again soon friend

"Skk (or insert any gay ship tbh) will never be canon out of respect to the real authors".

Tanizaki Junichiro is fucking his sister, Mori Ougai is a pedophile, Fukuchi Genichiro is a terrorist that brutally tortures children, Fyodor Dostoevsky bombed children, Nikolai Gogol is a very sane man who loves to perform brutal violence, Yosano Akiko was being preyed upon by a child predator. On a non horrifying note Nakajima Atsushi and Lucy Montgomery have shipping chemistry, Higuchi Ichiyo is in love with Akutagawa Ryunosuke, Kyoka and Koyou are both genderbent from men to women, Alexander Pushkin is kind of a joke.

But oh no, not the gay ship, that would be so disrespectful to the irl authors.

Nobody cares if it will never be canon ffs but that's a weird place to start bringing up the irl authors.

Have fun - next generation pays

So long story short, rn and these past months I am having a really hard time with some pers stuff, my emotions are messy and that affects my capacity to draw. Still I managed to cope a bit and work on some zines that I am really exited to show y'all! I feel so confortable on this site and also dont wanna leave hanging some people that enjoyed my art a bit?, thats why I ll start posting more frecuently but still wanna take my time. Thats it!! Srry to vent a little i just tought that I owe u guys an explanation ( even forgot that I said i was going to answer my inbox and open comms;;) in the meantime meet my OCs! Think i never posted original stuff bfore ;;

She is a person who was supposed to be good and he believed he was being good. No names although I use the girl as my avatar on some games;

It's Happening Again LOL

My creativity sure is one double-edged sword. It becomes too much sometimes that I get choice fatigue and end up not doing anything. I can't work on every single thing that pops up in my head pleaseeeee shut up AKJSAKSAJSAK ily but shut up

I don't even write everything down bc I lose motivation to organize them all lmao--Believe me I've tried long ago pft

"You don't know what pain is"

I'm trans and swimming is my favorite sport.

Sorry for not posting guys but my ipad is cracked rn and I’m really going through something, so of course, i have to draw Spamton going through something as well. Thats how that works I think.

Emergency Commissions

Hi guys.I hate to ask but I'm in serious need of some cash to put towards the medical and legal part of transitioning. I currently live in a toxic and very xenophobic household so I can't count on any help from my immediate family. That's why I'm in desperate need of commissions. I'd never ask for donations without working for the money. So I wanted to give a small reminder that commissions are open. I'm happy to draw a piece from any fandom as long as it adheres to the previously set rules. Also for the time being for any rendered piece I'll throw in a free sketch

I hate being aroace

I know I should love being happy with myself and stuff but I hate it

I just want to be loved

I just want to love someone

why is it so hard?

I shy away at the idea whenever it comes up in reality

but I dream of being held and cherished close to someone

i want someone to love me

i want to love someone

but I can’t feel that

and it hurts

it hurts to watch my friends and family grow and fall in love and have everything I thought I wanted

and then I take a look at myself and I just feel like something is wrong with me

am I not worth loving?

am I not worthy of feeling love?

why is it so hard for me?

I just want to be loved.

Being an undiagnosed autistic sucks.

Don't get me wrong I personally don't mind being autistic and see it as an huge important part of myself that I don't wanna get rid of... However the fact that no one irl is aware that I AM autistic simply bc I do not have a diagnosis sucks.... I wish I could self diagnose but I can't... Despite suspecting that I'm autistic since I was 13(im 16 now) I can't bring myself to bc I'm scared I'll get attacked by others which is something that makes me very paranoid to think abt

Ever since I was a child I have shown symptoms of autism+pica and of course still show symptoms of both ... My parents response to those symptoms?

"Ur so weird"

"Stop doing **insert thing related to being autistic"

"Why can't you just be normal? "

"Ur only like this bc u use electronics too much!! "

Etc etc

I wish I could just tell them that it's bc in autistic but I can't bc I'm undiagnosed... It's too difficult for me to even go up to my parents and tell them that I suspect it. I tried explaining my mom a few times in the past but she doesn't believe me neither does my dad

Fuck a very few of my autistic symptoms WERE noticed when I was younger like my coordination/motor skill issues! However I wasn't diagnosed as autistic I'm not sure why tho..... Was younger me too reserved? Did I not openly show enough traits? Would I have gotten diagnosed as autistic earlier if I was more open back then?

Im not gonna pretend I don't think it's hot as hell when I'm In the Mood™, but when I am not and people come at me with no warning teasing me about how fat I am now I really wanna start throwing shit with my fucking mind. It's one thing when I'm blinded by the horny, but it feels so GROSS when people insist I'm fat or call me obese even if I know they don't mean it to be vicious because it's just like. I'm a size 2 at most. Slightly over 100 pounds. That being called 'obese' just takes me out of the fucking moment so so hard a lot of the times because it's just like a BIIIIIG Internalized Fatphobic Slap to the face. How are people that are bigger than I am by a Substantial Amount supposed to feel when they see people half their size getting fatshamed??? Not to mention that sometimes at my Worst, those sorts of things can and will trigger my own disordered eating problems and make me feel guilty about enjoying food...😐.

Sometimes I just feel too well versed in how fatphobia genuinely affects people on a real level to enjoy some of the stuff I see and deal with in this community, I guess. Calling someone that's not even 105lbs fat or overweight or obese reeks of 90s/2000s diet culture where it was only acceptable to be rail thin, not EVEN slim with a big butt. I definitely don't think every person guilty of this is bad at heart, not by a long shot. Most of it feels like ignorance and being blinded by horniness in the moment to think rationally, I just really wish some of them were a little more aware of how like... Loaded some of their comments can be, cuz I never wanna rip someone's head off if they just innocently think we're playing around.

I guess I just wish there was more nuance about it? IDK, a warning before jumping into that sort of thing??? xD IDK even a "hey are you in the mood for some Not So Soft Feedism" would go a long way cuz sometimes the playful teasing is fun!! But other times it just makes me feel gross. It's like a yucky reminder of "oh... you think any visible fat on someone's body = THEY'RE fat on some 90s/Y2K shit ... Ew...." and like I'm contributing to the "skinny people takin over the Feedism community " phenomenon just by existing and I dO NOOOOOTTTTT wanna do that at ALL. I'll ruin a whole vibe in a conversation and get serious before I start taking credit from the ACTUAL fat people in the community 😭

Me realizing that I barely even post doodles anymore and that I’m more drained of energy than I’ve ever been, barely interacting with people that I used to be close with, even on tumblr :(

Hi Tumblr. Hi moots.

I am taking a break from art, requests, my usual messy posting schedule, everything, for a length undetermined mental break because of some shit that's just happened. I'm okay, I'm just not in the right health or head space right now to do everything I usual would. I will still be occasionally reblogging and still chatting with my friends, but if I come off as distant or rude at all, it's nothing against you, especially if you're one of my close friends. I'm just stressed. And as much as I wouldn't want to leave anyone worrying, i'm sorry you will be left in the dark, but please don't worry.

And due to the severity and the sensitivity of the topic of what has happened, only people close to me will be spoken to about the recent events.

Again, sorry. Love y'all.

sometimes. a bitch wanna be Held. that is it. I cannot change this

UGHHHH

I'm like mentally ill in a "I don't cry when people die, but I will have a full-blown breakdown if my fp speaks to me in a certain tone." Type of way and nobody understands that 😭

I’ve never not felt like a leopard. I’ve seen countless posts declaring a fear of a “disconnection” to one’s ‘type. I’ve never experienced this, but there are times when I just can’t focus on what being a leopard feels like.

I mean, I’m a leopard with two full time jobs working ~70 hrs a week. I simply don’t have time to be anything else. And I kinda hate that.

I hate that I have to set aside what I am and focus on “being human.”

There’s no point to this post other than me yelling into the void. I think I’ll try to dive more actively into the otherkin community to try to make nonhumanity a more prominent presence in my life again.