#like for instance i think it would be entirely inappropriate for me to claim to be transfem. i was afab raised female
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Hi! I know this might be kind of a weird ask, but I just needed a space to talk about this and your blog appears to be safe.
So I have what has been diagnosed previously as PCOS. I'm seeking genetic testing for various reasons, but the symptoms are relatively consistent. Anyway.
One thing I never see talked about is how people with PCOS can and do face medical abuse and "correction". I was put unwillingly onto puberty blockers - ones not even intended as such, it was a common off-label use that came with potential long term side effects. I'm also trans, but didn't know it at the time. Had I known, I may have chosen puberty blockers, but it was still very much a nonconsensual attempt to "correct" my "precocious puberty".
Then as an adult, due to, well long story, but abuse from my mom, I was convinced to take estrogen-based birth control that in all likelihood contributed to my worsening dysphoria, to "manage" the huperandrogenism I'm now actively encouraging with low dose testosterone. Without constantly being told it's ugly, I love being hyperandrogenous! It makes me euphoric!
Related to this, I also got told I was appropriating intersex experiences for wanting my (already intersex body) to more closely match my being intersex. I admittedly said it poorly, in a way that made it seem like I was generalizing all intersex bodies into a common misconception, but I was trying to say that me being altersex (or another word, I've heard that term can be intersexist but don't have an alternative, if it is I'm happy to change the term I use) is a direct result of me being intergender/intergender (again, don't know which terminology to use, sorry!). I was accused of fetishizing intersex conditions by someone who admitted that PCOS should be considered one.
I don't actually know whether I had any coercive surgery in infancy due to a lot of crap with birthfamily and being removed at nine months and adopted at 14 months. But every other experience I've had has been (mostly perisex and a few bad faith gatekeeping intersex) people coercing me into fitting more neatly into a binary sex, often medically, and often with transphobia on top. I've had people deny that I can experience transness in multiple ways (I use transfem, transmasc, and transneutral/transandrogenous, particularly because I also am plural which just further complicates things.
I just... I wish people understood that I have faced many of the struggles typical to the intersex community. I have never experienced gender like a perisex person. I have always been cautious about speaking to my own experiences because I've tried to be aware of privilege where I have it and to uplift the voices of others with different experiences than mine, even where there are no dynamics of privilege/oppression.
Having people like you say "yes, people with PCOS can use the intersex label, we have shared experiences, you belong" has also been incredibly healing. It's like... I feel like people can often innately recognize when they have shared community in regards to innate identity. I felt drawn to the queer community before my gender/sexuality eggs cracked, for example. I feel like exclusion only hurts people because it- well, essentially is a form of gaslighting. "No, your experiences in this specific aspect are fundamentally so alien to ours that we couldn't possibly talk about commonalities in any meaningful way, and will deny you a belonging that is already yours." Does that make any sense?
I'm not perfect in the way I say things, so I do wanna say that I'm absolutely willing to be corrected if something I have said is harmful.
Just uh,,, thank you for listening to this long vent.
(In case I interact via anon in the future, can I sign off with "starry anon"?)
Hey, anon 💜
I'm so sorry that you've had to put up with so much judgment, abuse, and coercion from so many people and places that you expected to be safe. You did not deserve any of that. You have PCOS and hyperandrogenism, and you are intersex. You belong in intersex spaces and anyone who says you doesn't is being a complete asshole. There's so many reasons like you've listed here, where you have so many commonalities of experiences with other intersex people, and deserve to be able to find compassion and solidarity. I'm so sorry that you've faced medical abuse, and I think you're brave for speaking up about it and talking about the fact that intersex people with PCOS can and do face medical abuse. You are not alone in that, and it absolutely wasn't your fault.
You are intersex, and there is no way that you can appropriate your own experiences. I sort of do think that altersex is a label that's used in an intersexist way a lot of times and I personally tend to be uncomfortable with it, and I tend to stay away from altersex because of my issues with it. I think altersex is really only being used by people who aren't intersex, so I could see why people might have thought you were fetishizing or appropriating intersex experiences, as if you say you are altersex people are going to think you are saying you are dyadic. You can just say that you're intersex and intergender if that's language that makes you feel comfortable, although I'm not going to tell you what language is and isn't right for you to use--that's a personal choice.
I don't know you and your story and I'm also not going to tell you what ways of experiencing your gender and what labels are okay for you to use--I know that it can get very complicated when we're intersex and we're sometimes reassigned gender or sex in childhood, or at puberty, or undergo certain types of transition that's unexpected for our AGAB. I don't think that it's a free-for-all that any intersex person ever can just claim to be transmasc or transfem or both or that every single intersex person has a claim to every label, but my policy is to trust intersex people when they tell me their labels and trust that they know what the most accurate and affirming language is to use based on their own lived experiences. I think this is something that individual intersex people have to really think through and decide what labels are appropriate for them to use, and be thoughtful about what times we need to stay in our lane and when we follow our instincts. It does get complicated and my approach is to just trust that people know what labels are actually accurate to their life, and I only bring things up if it is an issue. If people are appropriating labels, if they don't have a certain type of lived experience but they are claiming that they do, if they are perpetuating oppression, then I will call people out and deal with whatever they are actually doing. I'm not going to tell you that you can't use labels or not when I don't know your life and story, or say whether you should be doing things or not, and just trust that you have thought through what is appropriate and what is right for you and listened to what the communities you are a part of are telling you.
Even though you did use altersex language, or if you were confused and couldn't figure out the best way to phrase things, you still are intersex and have an intersex body. And I completely understand wanting intersex affirming and gender affirming things to feel more comfortable in your body. I think that a lot of intersex people do have dysphoria and I know a lot of us who really have strong feelings about wanting to return to our natural intersex bodies before medical abuse, or returning to a version of ourselves that we were never allowed to be. I think that's something that makes so much sense, and even though I can see why people would react badly if they thought you were dyadic and using confusing language, know that you are not doing anything wrong by being intersex and having these feelings, and you cannot appropriate your own experiences. You belong in intersex community and are allowed to share your own experiences.
This blog is a safe space for you, anon, and feel free to share your story or come and vent if you need it.
💜💜💜
-Mod E
#asks#actuallyintersex#intersex#to clarify bc we've been having a lot of discussions on and offline about this lately#i don't think that every intersex person ever. can claim to be transmasc or transfem#like for instance i think it would be entirely inappropriate for me to claim to be transfem. i was afab raised female#and even though I went through medical abuse and hormonal conversion therapy#I don't think i live in any meaningful way as a transfem person. because i am a trans man#so im like in my case it would be weird if i started claiming i was transfem u know. bc im not#but i do think that with intersex people. birth asssignment gets tricky#i have a friend who was amab. but then was raised as a girl from the age of 5. and than at puberty transitioned back. and he considers#himself a trans man#so im like okay i think there are times where people's birth assignment doesn't line up with the dyadic birth assignment for a trans experi#so it does get complicated when you are intersex. or when you're intersex and like#you're transitioning one way. in a way that isn't usually expected of your birth assignment#and i dont' think i get to make all the rules for who is what. i think that would be silly#i think that's something that we all just need to think about what labels are right for us to use and what our experiences are#and if we think we're overstepping then we totally might be! if we think we belong in a certain community or certain label#and the community accepts us! that can also be true#so basiaclly long story short: i dont think that being intersex means that now you can just say that you r whatever trans label you feel#like. if you don't have the lived experiences#and i think it's good for us to be aware of that. but i do think its complicated#and that if you do have the lived experiences. if a certain label you use is right for you. im going to trust you#bc i am not in charge and dont feel like you know. telling people what they can and can't do
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Hello! I just saw your reply to an ask and noticed this passage:
At the end of a century which had profaned love, Robespierre distinguished himself by the purity of his morals and by the delicacy of his procedures towards a sex, which the literature of the time regarded as born almost solely for pleasure. Above all, he respected the marital bed.
Do you know more about Robespierre and his views and relationships with marriage/women (I don't mean in the political sense)?
I've heard that he was meant to marry once but the lady ended up marrying someone else. And that he wrote a poem to a lady once, and that he enjoyed talking/singing/dancing with the ladies at the poets club he used to frequent (I can't remember the name of it atm). Overall, I get the idea that he loved/respected/admired women a lot and wanted to marry in the future. And also that he had conservative views on marriage and women. Am I correct? Are there any other examples I missed?
Thank you!
Yes, Robespierre overall seemed to have respected and gotten along well with women. He gets described in friendly terms by both his sister, Élisabeth Lebas and Rosalie Jullien, who all met him in private. The woman he sent poetry to was Charlotte Buissart, whose entire family was close to both him and his siblings (they would however fall out with each other during ”the terror”). In the 1780’s Robespierre also sent works of his to one mademoiselle Duhay (1, 2, 3) who in her turn gave him canaries and puppies, as well as to ”une dame”, to whom he wrote that ”the sweetest, the most glorious of all, is to be able to communicate these feelings to a kind and illustrious lady whose noble soul is made to share them.” The historian Ernest Hamel reportedly tracked down an old woman in Arras who told him her mother used to dance with Robespierre and found him a pleasant partner, and once Robespierre got into politics the amounts of female fans he had was noted by contemporaries. There evidently exists so much material regarding his relationship with women that the historian Hector Fleischmann in 1913 could release a whole book with the title Robespierre and the women he loved (original title Robespierre et les femmes).
For the moment I can only really remember one instance where Robespierre is reported to have acted in an inappropriate way towards a woman, and it was reported in Souvernirs d’un déporté (1802) by Paul Villiers, who claimed to have served as Robespierre’s secretary for a few months 1790-1791:
As for [Robespierre’s] continence, I only knew of a woman of about twenty-six years, whom he treated rather badly, and who idolized him. Very often he refused her at his door; he gave her a quarter of his fees; tre rest of it was split between me and a sister he had in Arras whom he loved very much.
Villiers’ work was declared apocryphal by the historian René Garmy in 1967. When Hervé Leuwers 47 years later wrote he still thought it authentic, he added that some parts of it still seemed like ”probable fabrication” and listed the mistress claim as an example, though without elaborating why he thought that was.
There are three women Robespierre is alleged to have been engaged to — mademoiselle Deshorties, Adélaïde Duplessis and Éléonore Duplay — though none of these allegations were ever confirmed by Robespierre or the women themselves. The lady you’re thinking of is the first of those listed — mademoiselle Deshorties (it’s often said her firstname was Anaïs, but I don’t know what the source for that is). She was Robespierre’s step-cousin and had, according to Charlotte Robespierre’s memoirs, been courting him for two to three years at the start of the revolution. Charlotte claims that it’s very likely the two would have married had things remained the way they were, however, with Maximilien away in Paris, mademoiselle Deshorties soon enough got engaged to someone else, and the two got married in 1792. When Robespierre found out about this after returning to Arras for a short stay, he was ”very grievously affected” according to Charlotte.
If Robespierre would have married had he lived if of course something we can’t know for sure. There does exist an anecdote where he, upon his friend’s Pétion’s insistence that they must find him a wife to lighten up his stiff behaviour, firmly responds: ”I will never marry!” If it is to be treated seriously or not is of course another story (and, if it happened, who knows if he changed his mind between this moment and his death).
As for if Robespierre held conservative views on marriage and women, for the first of these topics, I can only really find one place where he’s recorded to have mentioned it at all, and it’s when he on May 31 1790 argues for granting priests the right to marry, stating among other things that ”to unite priests with society, we must give them wives.” However, this of course has more to do with men’s relation to marriage and not women’s.
For his view on these, his perhaps most feminist moment takes place in 1787, when the Arras Academy of which he since one year back was the director, accepted two well-read women as honorary members — Marie Le Masson Le Golft and Louise de Kéralio. Robespierre was not present when the two were elevated to membership, but he was the author behind the response to the discours de la réception written by de Kéralio (who ironically, would go on to voice much more sexist opinions compared to Robespierre). In the text, he regretted that there were so few women in the academies and advocated for letting more in, arguing that ”habit and perhaps the force of prejudice” had intimidated women from presenting themselves as candidates for open academy positions, but that ”their sex does not make them lose the rights that their merit has earned them. […] If we grant that women have intelligence and reason, can we refuse them the right of cultivating them?” This is however not to say he viewed men and women as being the same in essence, but rather that they had received different sets of talents from nature that complemented each other. Men and women, he argued, were not meant to study the same subjects, the former being more suited for ”the initricacies of the abstract sciences,” while the latter should not be forbidden to contribute to those fields that ”demand only sensibility and imagination,” such as litterature, history and morality. Another argument put forward is that women will be able to make the sessions more interesting for the men:
The mere presence of a lovable woman is enough to enjoy these cold pleasures. They give interest to nothing, they spread a secret charm over this insipid circle of monotonous amusements which usage brings back every day. Women make a conversation where nothing is said, an assembly where nothing is done, more than bearable. They share laughter and merriment around a game table. Beauty, when it is mute, even when it does not think, still interests; it animates everything around. It is Armide who changes the dreadful deserts into laughing groves, into delicious gardens. From this, let us form the idea of a society where we would see the most amiable and witty women conversing with enlightened men about the most pleasant and interesting objects that could occupy beings made to think and to feel. Ah! If those who have no other merit than the amiability of their sex can respond so gently about the business of life, what will it be like for those who, freed from the false shame of appearing educated, without blushing to be more amiable and more enlightened would boldly deploy in an interesting conversation the playfulness of a delicate mind and the graces of a laughing imagination and all the charms of a cultivated reason!
A year earlier, the lawyer Robespierre had also been given as client the Englishwoman Mary Sommerville, widow of Colonel George Mercer, Governor of South Carolina, who had been imprisoned for debt. In his defence of her, Robespierre first and foremost underlined the fact that the Ordonnance de Saint-Germain-en-Laye from 1667 expressly stated that women and girls couldn’t be kept imprisoned. But he also voiced his personal support of this differential treatment between the sexes:
When the legislators introduced this terrible right to throw a man into prison for the non-performance of a civil commitment, I observed that they made it their duty to soften its rigor by a large number of restrictions. One of the main ones was to exclude women; reason and humanity indicated this exception to them; its motives can be discovered by every man made to think and feel. The ease, the inexperience of this sex which would have led it to contract too lightly commitments fatal to its freedom; its weakness, its sensitivity which makes it more overwhelming for the shame and rigor of captivity; the terrible impressions that the apparatus of such constraint must have made on its timid nature; the fatal consequences that it can cause, especially during pregnancy; what will I at last say? The delicate honor of women, which the glare of a public and legal affront irreversibly degrades in the eyes of men, whose tenderness vanishes with the respect they inspire in them; the sacred interest of modesty injured by the violence which accompanies this rigorous path, and the facilities which it can provide to outrage it...
Once we get to the revolution, I have yet to find a place where Robespierre talks about women much at all. Searching for the term ”femmes” in the volumes of Oeuvres complètes de Robespierre covering this period, the most common phrase it shows up in is probably ”women and children,” as in, something good and precious that needs protection against counter-revolutionaries. The two instances I’ve found where he speaks a bit more on women as such are the following:
Women! this name recalls dear and sacred ideas. Wives! this name recalls very sweet feelings for all the friends of the society. But aren't the wives republican? And doesn’t this title impose duties? Should Republican women renounce their status as citoyennes to remember that they are wives?
Robespierre at the Convention, December 20 1793, showing his hesitation towards a commission of women that has arrived from Lyon to plead for mercy for their husbands.
You will be there, young citoyennes, to whom victory must soon bring back brothers and lovers worthy of you. You will be there, mothers of families, whose husbands and sons raise trophies for the Republic with the debris of the thrones. O French women, cherish the liberty purchased at the price of their blood; use your empire to extend that of republican virtue! O French women, you are worthy of the love and respect of the earth! What do you have to envy of the women of Sparta? Like them, you have given birth to heroes; like them, you devoted them, with sublime abandonment, to the Fatherland.
Robespierre’s report on religious and moral ideas and republican principles, held on May 7 1794
Robespierre is not confirmed to have ever openly advocated for women being granted more political rights in general, like Condorcet and Guffroy in 1790 or Guyomar in 1793, or that married ones deserved to share the right to administration of property with their husbands, like Desmoulins, Danton, Lacroix and Couthon in 1793. However, this is not to say he ever openly spoke against these ideas either. In the third number of his journal Le défenseur de la constitution (1792) Robespierre does however warn about a girondin plot that includes a ”female triumvirate,” seemingly implying he thinks the concept of women in power needs to be side-eyed:
When following the thread of this plot, we arrive at a female triumvirate, at M. Narbonne who, then struck by an apparent disgrace, nonetheless named the ministers; at Mr. La Fayette, who arrived at this time from the army in Paris, and who attended secret meetings with the deputies of Gironde, what vast conjectures can we not indulge in?
The three women Robespierre is alluding to here have been identified as Manon Roland, Sophie Condorcet and Louise de Kéralio-Robert, the latter of which ironically being the same de Kéralio he had welcomed as an honorary member to the Arras academy five years earlier.
Finally, in a notebook he kept in the fall of 1793 regarding measures to be taken, Robespierre has written ”Dissolution of F.R.R” as in the society Femmes Républicaines Révolutionnaires, which would indeed be shut down by the Committee of General Security on October 30, alongside all other women’s clubs. This has however been accepted as part of a bigger pattern of the deputies cracking down on anything that may pose opposition to the government and not a move against women in particular, even if Jean Pierre André Amar, when announcing the dissolution to the Convention, did motivate it in sexist terms.
It’s however hard for me to say if all these factors added together makes Robespierre have an overall conservative or an overall radical view on women. This due to the fact I still haven’t fully discovered what the standard perspective on the topic was for the time for an educated, middle class man. Instead, the concept of women and what they are and are not capable of comes off as deeply controversial, look for example at the aforementioned debate on women’s right to the administration of property, where men with overall similar backgrounds and educations come to fully different conclusions, some arguing women are biologically incapable of handling such things and some that women are born with as much capacity as men and that not letting them enjoy this right would be akin to slavery. Someone could ask for women to more or less be granted the same rights as men only for someone else to suggest women shouldn’t even be taught to read a few years later. The article Robespierre: old regime feminist? (2010), while underlining Robespierre’s suggestion to let women into the academies was met with a lot of backlash (nine out of eleven correspondents disagreeing with his views), also makes sure to state he was nevertheless far from alone in pushing for this integration, and that those who were against it argued less for the notion that women were incapable of learning (the actual amount of well-read ones making it come off as weak) and more that ”they could but they shouldn’t” since they needed to take care of the home and children. All of this makes it hard to say exactly how normal/radical/conservative Robespierre’s views were for the time. I would conclude by saying he deserves a ribbon for neither ”Revolution’s number one feminist” nor ”World’s most raging misogynist.” In his private life, he does however appear to have gotten along well with women, at least we don’t really possess any serious testimony hinting at anything else.
#ok this ended up being about his political views on women anyways hope you don’t mind#but yeah that’s about all i know regarding the subject#robespierre#maximilien robespierre#frev#ask
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I think a lot of the hostility in the discourse surrounding The Q-Slur™ is bc of the conflation between social spaces and political movements
for instance, I initially had a bad reaction to your take on the issue (although I took some time to think about it bc I'm not an animal tyvm) bc I value The Q-Slur™ as effective political rhetoric--a rejection of respectability politics, inclusive to everyone in a way that an unwieldy acronym can't be, simple and concise, etc.
however, I would never call someone The Q-Slur™ if they didn't want to be called that, bc that's rude? like really fucking rude? I'm even avoiding saying it here bc I don't want to stir shit for no good reason
there's a very big difference between how a movement should behave and how a social group should behave. a social group is made up of individuals with individual histories and feelings, but an effective movement can't be made up of individuals; it can only be statistics and icons, because it has to cover as many people as possible
imo, both things are true: it's not okay to demand people use it for themselves, and it's not okay to demand activists stop using it. the pain that The Q-Slur™ brings that makes it so inappropriate for so many social spaces is the exact reason why it's such a good political tool: it's confrontational and unyielding. it makes it clear (1) what we are, (2) what we want, and (3) what we will not concede ("our otherness is based actually" in a single-syllable word!) without making anything softer or cleaner
here's an example of how I personally approach stuff like this: I don't like the lesbian flag all that much (specifically the more-orange one made to replace the lipstick lesbian flag). I think it could be a lot more rooted in lesbian history/symbols instead of just being a pretty collection of colors that looks nice next to the other flags. but, no matter my personal feelings, I would never try to get people to replace it, bc dear lord we need some flag to unite under
(that obviously isn't the same exact situation, I just like allegories)
the Pride+ thing actually felt like a really good compromise to me. as it's a blog on an already p pro-LGBT website, it's a mix of both interpersonal connection and online activism, and wanting it to be as comfy for as many people as possible is entirely valid! go staff go!!
ig my main point in a nutshell is that it's v important to have manners in the vast majority of situations, with one of the main exceptions being when you're fighting for human rights. yeah I think that's it
anyway, I need to log off for a while. go lay down in a field and feel the rain soaking through my clothing. cleanse myself of the internet brainworms. remember that I'm human. hope you have a good one!
Thanks! This is probably the last ask I'll answer about this issue, because for a bunch of people claiming to be super trans-positive and inclusive, some of the people in my inbox really want me to play in traffic.
I also think that the political origins of the reclamation of "queer" are a good point to bring up. "We're here, we're queer" was deliberately chosen because it was a startling, incendiary declaration in the 70s and 80s. And it still is! It's a great rallying cry and wake-up call.
That being said, in a more personal space, yeah, I avoid being called queer for... well, basically every reason I've outlined in these ask answers. Having "THE QUEEREST PLACE ON THE NET" plastered on my blog was, while not triggering, rather uncomfortable for me last pride due to my associations with the word. There is nothing wrong with renaming the blog to "Pride" and using "LGBTQ+" instead of "queer" to describe the userbase, as it includes both queer (Q) people and people who might not identify with that word (LGBT*).
Thanks for taking the time to consider my position! Have a good day.
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Could you send the link to where Murdoc says he hates Noodle ships? I would love to see it as it makes me happy to see that they hate Noodle being shipped with them, she should be left out of shipping.
Hello! Sorry for the delay. I've gotten a few asks about this, and I kept putting it off because of my whole "canon doesn't mean much, or arguably anything" epiphany. It didn't feel like making the argument had a point since anything can get retconned at a moment's notice. However, I'm still not a fan of Noodle ships, and I think even with shaky canon, we can always makes argument with evidence that supports our claims.
Anyhow, Murdoc never states word for word that he dislikes Noodle ships, but they have kept his perspective - that Noodle is like a daughter to him - consistent since P1. So, while other people may disagree, I feel comfortable saying that he doesn't see her as anything else, has never thought of her as anything else, and would likely be weirded out if someone suggested it was anything else.
I can't find every instance where he calls Noodle his daughter rn (if you want more examples, I'll need to take some more time to look), but this is the one that stuck out to me, from Murdoc's P5 letter to El Mierda.
Additionally, Murdoc had been protective of Noodle, esp regarding inappropriate questions. This is taken from an interview during P2, from the June/July 2005 issue of Jane magazine:
You can read the entire interview here, in the old LJ community. It's probably on Lobotomy Pop somewhere too, but I don't have the link on me.
Separate from all of that, the writers have consistently shot down the idea of any Noodle ships. Whenever Noodle has been asked about shipping, she shoots it down (you can see in this screenshot from the a 2018 Youtube Q&A). People will have their hcs regardless, but overall, Noodles ships are generally a hard NO for most of the fandom (myself included), the fictional themselves, and the IRL Gorillaz team.
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Hey Goldy, why do you think jk could've been homophobic in the early years? I genuinely want to know becuz i didn't really feel that way myself . And when according to you did he become woke? And what do u think about jimin in this case?
I think JK could have been homophobic????
Have you been snooping around my Ko-fi page??? I don't recall ever saying anything like that on here...
Are you on Ko-fi? You can ask directly on Ko-fi if you have any questions with regards to any of the posts on there. Simply DM.
I said that, because I had read somewhere Jungkook was straight and was dating a trainee before 2015 when he and JM started fully dating but then those same peopele claimed somehow that JK was too young to be gay at the time or to be doing Jimin prior to 2015- in that context then to me, if he wasn't closeted and gay then he'd come off as very homophobic especially in the way he acted around JM and treated JM in that period in my opinion.
If he wasn't too young to be straight, he wasn't too young to be gay. I knew I liked girls at the age of seven ish. Never acted on it and shied away from gals mostly until highschool when I came across much older queer gals- Some have claimed they knew they liked girls much earlier than that.
I mean I'd assume straight people knew they were straight even in kindergarten. Why does it gotta be any different for gay people. It's really bizarre to me.
That's not to say I don't think Jikook weren't problematic or didn't have issues.
For JK I can say, toxic masculinity, internalized homophobia and immaturity marked his earlier phase- not just him but Jimin and everyone in bangtan too (minus the internalized homophobia of course) in my opinion. Which I think we've talked about on here a few times now.
I understand certain conversations make some people uncomfortable especially ones surrounding BTS and homophobia, misogyny cultural appropriation, gay culture appropriation etc.
As I said on Ko-fi, if Jungkook wasn't queer/gay back then, then I'm afraid, to me, a lot of the things he'd said and done around around JM was quite homophobic.
But since I believe he was gay, they just come off as internalized homophobia to me.
And by that I mean things he'd say similar to RM talking bout how 'Jimin tries a lot to be masculine even though he's not' and gets elbowed by Jin to shut up because it's something you just don't say to effeminate men like JM or especially gay men. It comes across as a homophobic slur or microaggression (if JM is in deed gay- which I think he is.)
Or all the crying jokes bangtan makes about JK most times and the constant attack on Jikook's masculinity in the group- being gay doesn't make you less of a man💀
You'll understand if you've seen JK's face drop at certain 'jokes' certain people in the group throw his way.
When did Jungkook become woke????
That's like asking me when did BTS become woke.
Sounds very sarcastic but whatever.
Don't think I can point to you a particular date in this instance just that there's been a very visible gradual shift in the way he thinks, behaves or carry himself within the group over the years.
When he stopped saying things like men shouldn't wear rings on their pinky or that men shouldn't check their selfies after taking them- to which JM replies in frustration 'men, men, men, what the heck is men!'
When he started unlearning the toxic masculine stuff and started embracing his true nature?
It's been a journey for him I'd say.
Whenever he second guesses himself and hesitates to touch JM in certain places-even to this day( a certain titanic run episode comes to mind)
He reaches for JM's waist, stops and holds his shoulder instead. There's a cut a his hand is now on JM's waist- clearly he was cued by the director or someone to hold JM's waist to make it more entertaining.
Now I wouldn't say this act is homophobic per se. Plus, he's not the only one who some times get confused around JM and hesitate to touch him- Tae does that too.
There's that TXT member who froze entirely when JM touched him.
But I can't ignore that JK's hesitation comes from him thinking it's inappropriate for him being a guy to hold JM in certain places like that- which is interesting because they be playing with each other's dixk and shit. You'd think that's more gay no?
Men are nasty and do nasty things like hitting eachother's private region for play or squeezing eachother's nipples and shit- Apparently, that's not gay. To them.
But suddenly, holding hands or placing their hands on a man's waist is gay because it's intimate and something a couple would do- very heteronormative I'd say.
Sounds familiar?
'Sounds like something a couple would do' then the members would proceed to act embarrassed by it.
And this was what, like a few months ago?
Toxic masculinity is at the heart of homophobia. One usually follows the other. If you can spot toxic masculinity in JK, you should be able to spot his internalized homophobic tendencies.
That being said. He's grown now. Way mature than before. Occasionally does some ignorant shit but he's way better than before- in my opinion💀
They shouldn't kiss and act grossed out. If it grosses you out don't do it in the first place that's just rude. I think you know what I mean.
Like RM says, they were all a bit in the mud, unsophisticated in their formative years and I don't think that excluded JM and JK( not gonna go into JK's problematic moments on here or recount them)
As to whether or not some of the things he said in those days were homophobic or not I think it depends on perspective and one's own understanding of anti homosexual tendencies and behaviors.
If not then ignorance is bliss I guess.
What do I think about Jimin???
I think he's gay. Lol.
But he's had his own toxic manly man moments.
'We are men and men shouldn't pop their booty'
Men shouldn't pop their booty? He tried it. Lol.
From the top, make it drop honey😏
Calling Hobi gay as a joke???
'I think he likes men a little too much'
Sir, sit down. A few years later, you are gay too. Very gay. More so gay than Hobi💀
This you???💀
Not sure how to steer this conversation because I feel you don't know exactly what that blog on JK and homophobia is about.
Anywho, thanks for the question. Love it.
I'm gonna answer all your questions. I love them🤤💜
Signed,
GOLDY
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daniil dankovsky is autistic and here’s why:
because i’m autistic and i said so
i kid, obviously. what sort of autistic person would i be if i wasn’t read to back up my silly little claim with an overly long post of evidence a total of three people will read? (hi ned hi jordan hi raven :))
i’m aware that this is cringey because adults aren’t supposed to have autism or interests or talk about either of those things, but this is my blog and you are free to block me if the cringe is too much for you.
these are some things i picked out from the DSMV’s diagnostic criteria, found on the CDC website:
deficits in social-emotional reciprocity
reduced sharing of interests, emotions, or affect
abnormal social approach
abnormalities in eye contact and body language
defecits in […] understand[ing] relationships
difficults adjusting behavior to suit various social contexts
repetitive motor movements or speech
rigid thinking patterns
highly restricted, fixated interests that are abnormal in intensity or focus
hyper- or hyporeactivity to sensory input
there’s also some misc. stuff not in the diagnostic criteria (though it may be in the adir or gars-3) i thought was worth noting.
important note from the diagnostic criteria: “symptoms cause clinically significant impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of current functioning”. i’d say that in his case, they do.
spoilers for pathologic classic, pathologic 2, and the marble nest
deficits in social-emotional reciprocity
in bachelor route of classic, daniil
seems completely oblivious to eva making advances toward him, to the point where she complains to him that he’s ignoring her in favor of asking questions about simon.
seems surprised when people mention maria being in love with him, despite outright asking her a couple of times if she’s flirting with him.
not to mention the fact that he asks her that at all.
his inability or resistence to making connections with others is typically considered one of his character flaws. although it is not outright stated in the dsmv criteria, one trait of autism and other neurodivergencies is “having extremely high or extremely low empathy” - and daniil, despite being a doctor, lacks empathy. which is not to say he doesn’t care at all. i think that he does, but is terrible at showing it.
for example, this scene from marble nest:
Sticky: You must feel terrible… right? That’s fine. I forgive you.
You just got confused… Adults always do.
Daniil: Oh yes, adults are always occupied with the most asinine nonsense. Like feeling anxious that a bunch of urchins keep roaming the streets, putting themselves in mortal danger!
daniil clearly cares about sticky’s wellbeing (and the wellbeing of the kids looking after him, though he’s not cognizant that he’s in a coma), but his way of showing it is… kind of by being a jerk. all of which bleeds into the next item on the list
reduced sharing of interests, emotions, or affect
he has no problem sharing his interests, but in both pathologic classic & pathologic 2, daniil speaks with a flat affect - which is to say that he lacks intonation. the words we read him saying may be dramatic or come across as passionate, but the actual voice reading his lines is very monotone, which may contribute to being read as lacking emotion.
and in pathologic 2, he has a voiceline lamenting not telling “her” (eva?) how he felt
in marble nest, he’s teased by the tragedians for being “heartless”:
Tragedian: Maybe. Possibly. But it’s useless to explain to a heartless man. …Take heart, Excellency! If you ever find it, that is. And then come back to us… Even though it all sounds like a rather implausible turn of events.
abnormal social approach
daniil has a tendency to say things that are tactless, odd, or just socially inappropriate. i probably don’t need to point out too many examples, as i think it’s fairly obvious - these are the things people love to pick at when it comes to him, but i do have a few in mind. like, for example, from haruspex route in classic:
Haruspex: What of the antibodies essential for making a serum?
Bachelor: I don’t know for sure yet, I’ll send you a report in a few hours. Don’t go about cutting people’s hearts out for your panacea until then. It’s a… controversial solution, you know…
Haruspex: What?! Do you even hear yourself?
Bachelor: Sorry! I meant no offence… it was just a momentary lapse of… well, you know.
Haruspex: None taken.
until artemy points out, daniil doesn’t seem to be aware he just said something rude. even with therapy, picking up on social cues doesn’t come naturally to people with autism, so we tend to say things that come across as rude or strange to others without realizing we’ve put them off. we tend to lack a “filter” that tells us when things are or are not appropriate to say. even when we may recognize it, the rules may not make any sense to us. for example, it makes very little sense that allistics favor politeness over honesty.
i think the glaringly obvious abnormal social approach in pathologic 2 is him threatening to hold artemy at gunpoint to get in the house, which is just overkill, but my personal favorite comes on day 7, when he’s complaining about the orders aglaya has given him. artemy stops him to say he doesn’t understand what daniil wants from him, to which daniil replies:
From you? Oh, nothing. I was just sharing.
to daniil, they were just having a normal conversation. but some part of this - his tone or his words or maybe even his body language - didn’t give artemy the impression that this was supposed to be a regular conversation. (we could, in fact, attribute the same idea to artemy here; why didn’t artemy pick up that this was a normal conversation? the reason i count it towards daniil is because artemy doesn’t seem to have this problem with anybody else. for the record: i don’t think artemy is neurotypical either.)
abnormalities in eye contact and body language
it’s hard to get proof of this in video games, but i will say i think it’s very funny that in pathologic 2 daniil’s idle animations are “pacing”, “sitting like he desperately wants to start bouncing his knees but is stopping himself from doing it”, and “standing unnaturally still” - but there you go. i don’t know anything about making gifs, or i’d gif this one specific talk menu idle he does where he holds eye contact for about three seconds, looks away uncomfortably, and then looks back out of the corner of his eyes.
deficits in […] understand[ing] relationships
mostly examples from his route in classic:
when the army arrives, he can claim to block that aglaya, whom he’s known for two days, is his best friend
he seems baffled by the fact that everone is smitten with maria and working with her, and seems equally baffled by the idea that she’s smitten with him
despite eva implying on day two that she is in a relationship with andrey, is completely blindsided by the revelation on day 6, asking him, “How in the world is she ‘your woman’?”
i’d also like to use his sign-off on his letter to artemy, day 2 of the haruspex route - he signs it as “Your friend (hopefully)”. i know i’m not the only autistic person who used to ask people if we were friends or not. pro tip, if you’ve never done this: don’t. it really weirds people out.
difficulties adjusting behavior to suit various social contexts
the fact that he stands out is blatantly obvious even in pathologic 2 and in the haruspex route of classic. people will comment on him being an outsider and mention that they don’t trust him. but you can watch it happen in real time in his route, because he never fully acclimates to the town. he says something about this to aglaya on day 7:
Bachelor: Was there any particularly notable backstory? I’m deadly tired of all these people. They’re inhuman. They tell the future, believe in walking zombies, and die in all manners of painfully abnormal ways.
Inquisitor: Your line of t hinking is obviously falacious - and I was implying something rather mundane. I promise you, no one can really tell the future around here: and neither are deaths inspired by third parties uncommon. Mysterious phenomenons do occur here sometimes… but hardly more often than anywhere else.
actually, there’s an example of him saying something similar to artemy on day 5 in pathologic 2:
Damn this town… I feel I’m trapped in a nightmare. The absurdity of it all… There’s no one to talk to. Everyone’s so volatile.
They all seem to want to help, but… their help is worse than hostility.
some of this can be explained by the town’s strangeness, but keep in mind that the first instance happens after he’s been there and involved in the ongoing for an entire week, and the second at nearly a week in. clearly he’s struggling to adjust to the changes.
it’s also worth noting that his reason for fleeing the town in the nocturnal ending?
I have no place here anymore.
This town is no longer mine. No longer human. No longer rational. It doesn’t… accept the likes of me anymore.
repetitive motor movements or speech
it’s harder to see the motor movements in classic, but remember how i pointed out earlier that he paces? pacing is a form of stimming. murky, who is canonically autistic, can also be found pacing as one of her idle animations. having stock phrases for characters to speak when you come near them already ticks off the box on “repetitive speech”, but that by itself doesn’t really cover what they’re talking about - echolalia.
but you know what this does fit with? “‘quoting’ things(communication is HARD! sometimes we need to take shortcuts and use someone else’s words)“
i’ll get to the more obvious example in a minute - i want to point out something that happens very early in pathologic 2 first. you know how you first meet him and artemy accuses daniil of trying to guilt-trip him by asking if it’s true that isidor would still be alive if artemy had come sooner? keep in mind that he spoke to rubin first. and this is what rubin says, when you get a chance to talk to him:
Yesterday, I was told you had killed your father.
That’s not far from the truth, Burakh.
You betrayed him. You left when he needed you most. He cried out for your help, but you didn’t care. He was in peril, and you were too busy elsewhere, He believed, truly believed, that your arrival would put an end to his troubles.
And, as always, he was right.
i’m not saying this was necessarily the game’s intent, but it’s entirely possible daniil is parroting back to artemy exactly what rubin said to him.
now, for what you’re probably expecting in this section: the latin. people love to refer to his use of latin as “random”, so let’s clear that up:
it is not latin daniil has made up. with the exception of latin that is mispelled in the game’s texts, all of them are proverbs or otherwise common sayings. you can find most of them on the wikipedia list of latin phrases, or through a 3-second google search.
he’s a doctor. him having taken latin isn’t anymore strange than a lawyer taking latin. in fact, if you pay attention, artemy also took latin; this is implied when artemy tells him he’s always sucked at it.
his uses of latin actually aren’t random at all. what he says fits the situation, and sometimes is used in place of him having to come up with something to say on his own.
prime example:
Forget it, Burakh. I have a splitting headache. If you have no urgent business, then we’ll talk later. Later, later… Qui non proficit, deficit.
qui non proficit, deficit - he who does not advance, loses ground. in other words, “i’m sorry, but i really do need to keep working.” one of his voice lines.
as for why he doesn’t translate the latin: it probably wouldn’t even occur to him to. these are not obscure sayings. the utopians all have a certain degree of education - what would he need to translate them for?
this bleeds into something that isn’t really mentioned, but that i’ve found i have a lot of trouble with in everyday life. autistic people have a tendency to either overexplain (and then have everyone get mad at you because they feel you’re being condescending) or underexplain (and have everyone get mad at you because you haven’t explained anything). the latin would be a case where it feels like a justified underexplanation. you’ll notice that when it comes to anything scientific, he tends to do the reverse, and overexplain. this also happens in classic, whether artemy has asked him to clarify or not.
rigid thinking patterns
the thing i had marked for this was simply his strict adherence to western medical practices and refusal to acknowledge the supernatural, even when it seems obvious - he has a conversation in his route in classic with yulia about this, and that is in fact how he manages to get to her: by asking saburov if there are any other logical skeptics in town. it should be noted they seem to be breaking with this in pathologic 2, where one of his voicelines is “I’m no positivist. There are things in this world beyond our mundane perception.” i have no idea where they’re planning on going with that.
there’s also a quote floating somewhere around twitter about him having been raised by a military man, and militaries tend to enforce very rigid routines. you could say the same thing of block - who (in classic at least) i also have my suspicions about.
highly restricted, fixated interests that are abnormal in intensity or focus
special interests. the one that should obviously come to mind is thanatology, though i would argue latin if not classics in general is a special interest of his as well - in addition to his usage of latin, he also references pericles in the marble nest and was probably refering to the roman occupation of haruspicy in addition to augurs in the same text. he also makes references to shakespeare more than once in both marble nest and pathologic 2.
hyper- or hyperoreactivity to sensory input
i don’t have much written down for this one but there seem to be several places in classic especially where he asks npcs to stop shouting at him. we don’t really have the privilege to know their volume or how they’re interacting with him, but i think it’s also worth noting that he’s the only one of the healers who wears gloves. in pathologic 2 he’s the only named character i can think of who wears them at all. his thing in the lucid dream about the brain being “a border”? gloves are his border, as is his jacket, which may be worn to cut down on sensory issues.
he will also sometimes seem to “overreact” to the situation at hand - such as in classic, when some dogheads mispeak and say that daniil is going to “sterilize” them, and instead of understanding that they must have mispoken, freaks out over the idea that they think they’re going to be… well… sterilized. or in haruspex route, when his reaction to the inquisitor arriving is to threaten suicide.
miscellaneous
he never goes anywhere without that carpet bag. we don’t see it in pathologic 2, but we do hear about it and he doesn’t let it go for a second in classic - not even in the cutscenes where he’s using the microscope. his bag could be a comfort item.
“getting very attached to things like inanimate objects” could work for the bag - but you know what it actually fits the bill much more obviously? the polyhedron. in the haruspex route he recognizes that it’s a lost cause, but he’s still too attached to it to let it go.
in classic at least, daniil is absolutely terrible at lying. most autistic people either are not good at lying, or feel uncomfortable or anxious with having to lie. when he’s asked by yulia and the kids in the polyhedron to lie to block (for different reasons) he’s clearly uncomfortable with the idea that it’ll work. and when it actually comes time to come up with a way to lie to block about why he needs five rifles, your options are to either buckle and tell him the truth, or simply say that you need them for “self-defense”. block believes that you’re not lying to him, but daniil can’t come up with any embeleshments to explain why he needs what he’s asking for.
Commander: Are you hiding something from me?
Bachelor: No.
he comes across as naive to other characters. in classic, capella has a voiceline saying, “The Bachelor is not smart. Intelligent, yes… but not smart.” in Pathologic 2, Daniil complains that Aglaya takes him for “a useless dreamer”. he’s also easily used by the Kains to fulfill their endgame in classic.
my final, and absolute favorite: he takes things way too literally. autistic people (and adhd people, from my understanding) have a hard time differentiating jokes and sarcasm. so my favorite moment in marble nest is a case of him taking that earlier advice - to “take heart” literally, by bringing the tragedians a literal human heart:
Tragedian: Oh… Excellency. What a sordid sight! Sorry for underestimating you. You definitely do have… how shall I put it… a creative touch. But this is pure madness. You can’t take things so literally!
Daniil: You wanted me to come back to you with an open heart. Well, here I am.
…It looked too fitting to be a coincidence.
your mind map, after this, updates to say “I misunderstood the tragedians.”
conclusion
people don’t stop being autistic with age and i think he’s a good example of what it’s like to be in your late 20s and be autistic. i’m sure i missed things as i haven’t finished haruspex route of classic yet and there may just be some other things he does or says that i missed! if anyone has anything to add they think fits i would love to know, thank you for your time :)
#icarus.txt#autistic daniil dankovsky#daniil dankovsky#pathologic meta#ok to rb but i'm not interest in your ''but he's just weird!'' arguments#please keep in mind that this post is about autism#and that this is written by someone w autism...#popular
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I’m glad you said that and i don’t think anything inappropriate with Val happened either but i did at a point think their relationship was kind of odd. And i 100 percent know her parents were always around and pretty close with Val too. Like his 21st bday post made it a point to say he was so happy finally be able to call her his best friend which i thought was weird because it was basically acknowledging the fact that being so close for so long was weird because of the age difference. I know nothing ever happened but there were just some things that kind made me raise an eyebrow over time. They did seem kind of obsessed with each other for a while and Val still kind of seems to fixate on her and her accomplishments.
Admittedly my timelines of things are fuzzy at this point, but I definitely don't think anything happened. Z was with Trevor pretty much from the time she was on DWTS through whenever they broke up and even in Val's books he mentioned her showing to her first rehearsal with her "little boyfriend". However I do think it's kind of an intimate situation to thrust a teen into--and I don't mean like anybody did anything wrong, but ballroom dancing is very intimate in terms of lack of personal space and lots of 1x1 attention. And yes, Val looked at her like she hung the moon so hence why I wouldn't be surprised that Z got attached to him. I can't explain as much the other way.
Lipstick Alley used to have these long threads about how they were in a secret relationship and all this bullshit but LA is a mess where nobody believes in facts. They would claim they were secretly together somewhere when there would be photographic/video evidence of Z being in an entirely different part of the country working, so most of that supposed tea was IMO 100% bullshit since anyone with a working brain could disprove a lot of it.
Also yes, at least until she was post 18 I don't know that they ever hung out without parents in tow. Even after that I'm not sure if they hung out sans other people because her parents were still going everywhere with her for quite a bit of time after that.
In later years with Val it's hard for me to tell what is his obsessing over her and him trying to name drop her for clout/attention. I'm not necessarily saying that is what he was doing early on but I felt that is what he did with the book. But I also think he's gotten the clue when he posts about her now or in more recent years and she doesn't acknowledge him in any way.
I'm long since blocked from his insta (I don't even remember why but it had nothing to do with Z) so I don't know if he still interacts with her stuff. But for instance his wife recently was showing off her Kizzmet necklace so its not like there is no overlap. I also occasionally used to see Z interacting more with Maks or Peta than Val himself. They may or may not have been invited to her huge bday part.
Also just because it was funny last week on DWTS, Carrie Anne compared JoJo (Jenna's partner) to Z and you should have seen Jenna's face. Then the camera cut to Val. Eyeroll.
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A Change in the Weather AU (inspired by Cacophonylights's A Change in the Weather) - Chapter 29
Read on AO3.
“Who in the world needs three trousseaus?” Sebastian moans, trudging behind his boyfriend, his sister, and his soon-to-be brother-in-law through what Olivia refers to as “the hallowed halls of Carolina Premium Outlets”. Kurt was initially surprised that a woman with the financial means of Olivia Smythe would opt to shop at an outlet mall instead of the other upscale clothing stores within a hundred mile radius of the beach house, but it also made him adore her even more.
Never let it be said that Kurt Hummel does not appreciate outlet shopping. His monthly bill to Rue La La alone will attest to that fact.
On top of that, not only had she invited Kurt to come, she demanded his attendance. “I need you, Kurt! I need someone with your refined, sophisticated eye for fashion to help me in this, my hour of need!” she’d declared with the dramatic flair befitting a literary scholar, grabbing him by the hand and wrenching him from his seat in Sebastian’s lap on the porch swing, not about to take no for an answer. At first, he suspected she chose him because her mother was otherwise occupied (which he discovered later on that she wasn’t), but it still flattered him that she went to him for help in this arena and didn’t opt for a personal shopper.
Going to a mall, doing something that could be defined by uncultured swine as banal, had been a welcome change. Not that Kurt didn’t absolutely love everything else they’d done so far - fighting the tides for their dinner, braving bee stings, nearly drowning in Sebastian’s Mustang …
… karaoke.
And the jellyfish. Oh sweet baby Jesus, he can’t forget the jellyfish!
This vacation started out like an episode of Survivor: North Carolina Edition, and even though it isn’t over, Kurt has nothing to worry about because he’s already won the grand prize. But walking into this plucky haven of discounted commerce, with it’s bright, white, artificial lighting and grainy, outdated music piped over the speakers feels like returning to the familiar. Breathing the recycled conditioned air relaxes every muscle like a full-body Shiatsu massage. It reminds him of weekends spent hanging out with his girls, grabbing a soft pretzel and complaining about the men in their lives, which was really a disguised form of good-natured one-upping:
“Finn will never understand the sanctity of my evening ice water face bath! He says it looks painful! He won’t even try it, the scaredy cat! Something about brain freeze and him being afraid of shrinking his skull. But his pores, Kurt! He’s got pores so big, you could live in them! And the sun damage from all that football? He’s such a … such a boy! I don’t know what I’m going to do with him some days! Anyway, did I show you the absolutely adorable music note pin he got me? It’s so perfect, I’m surprised you didn’t have something to do with it! You didn’t, did you? No, I didn’t think so. He said it was for the anniversary of our second kiss! How did he even remember?”
(How did Finn remember? Kurt had thought scornfully. Aside from the fact that Rachel circled the date on Finn’s calendar, then filled in the box with a note written in blood red Sharpie; inputted a message into his phone; and then reminded him every day of the week before; Kurt had no idea …)
“I completely understand what you mean,” Kurt had agreed with an appropriately commiserate eye roll. “I’ve finally managed to open Blaine’s eyes to the importance of jade rolling, but he’s so impatient! Married to the idea that an alpha hydroxy toner is some magical elixir that is going to solve all his problems for him.” Kurt tutted, nodding his head solemnly when Rachel gasped at the failings of his boyfriend. “But he did go out and buy me the cutest raw silk bow tie, out of the blue and for no reason whatsoever, so I guess I can’t be too angry with him for neglecting his dermatological responsibilities …”
The current man in Kurt’s life wouldn’t be in the running to win that competition, not with his constant bitching and complaining about the pain in his feet, the pounding in his head caused by the ‘lame ass music’, and his all-encompassing boredom.
But in this instance, listening to Sebastian gripe doesn’t dull Kurt’s shopping experience an inch.
On the contrary - it heightens it.
“I do.” Olivia grabs Kurt’s hand and bolts towards Talbots to outrun her brother’s sour attitude. “Now, hurry up! We’ve got seven more stores to hit!”
“Why bother?” Sebastian reaches for Kurt’s other hand, frowning when his fingers close around air. “I think you’ve bought every white outfit and peony-covered bed sheet in this place!”
“Hmph. You can never have too much white. And floral never goes out of style,” Olivia tosses over her shoulder, smirking when she notices her brother’s ineffectual attempt at retrieving his boyfriend.
“Great! You can use those sheets when you’re a wrinkled old biddy then.”
“That’s the plan,” Olivia replies with a grin of superiority nearly identical to her brothers. It’s uncanny, like they pass it around, only one of them allowed to use it at any given time.
“Should you even be wearing white at this wedding?” Sebastian retaliates. “I mean, isn’t white reserved for the virtuous?”
“Oh boy,” Brian mutters, taking a gargantuan step away to show how not associated with Sebastian he is at this moment.
Olivia and Kurt stop walking, spinning around in unison to glare down the approaching offender. Kurt wraps an arm around her, shielding her ears with his hands.
“That’s a low blow!” he scolds.
Sebastian shrugs, unfazed. “All I’m saying is that Olivia and Brian haven’t exactly been waiting on a block of ice for this day to arrive, have you guys?” He glances at Brian, who’s strategically hiding behind his fiancee’s fifteen shopping bags and a rotund, fiberglass planter. “Come on, man! Back me up!”
“Look, Sebastian, I love you like a brother,” Brian says, “but I’m not doin’ that. I know which side my bread is buttered.”
“Coward.” Sebastian turns his attention back to his sister and his boyfriend. He rolls his eyes condescendingly at their united front, their matching expressions of umbrage. “Sorry, not sorry,” he offers as his trivial non-apology.
“Oh, okay …” Olivia rolls up her sleeves, gearing up for a fight. “If that’s the way you want it, let’s talk some truth! If I was worried at all about a higher power sending lightning down to smote the impure at my perfect wedding, I wouldn’t have invited Julian or you! Between the two of you, you could set the entire venue on fire!”
Instead of being offended by that remark, Sebastian grins. “You’re not wrong. In fact …” Sebastian’s grin widens like he’s just conceived the most brilliant plan in the world “… I think it might be better if Kurt and I didn’t attend your stuffy old wedding.” He creeps closer to Kurt, prepared to take his sister to the ground to get his boyfriend’s hand back. “For the safety of your guests, of course.”
Olivia pivots, maneuvering a giggling Kurt out of her brother’s reach as swiftly as a chess master would castle a king. “I never said Kurt would set the place on fire.”
“And who says I wouldn’t go just because you weren’t going?” Kurt points out as he’s shuffled towards the safety of another store.
Olivia squeezes Kurt’s hand and beams, proud to have such a loyal companion in this fight.
“Employing that logic, I don’t see why my presence was necessary for this shopping excursion,” Sebastian argues, though it comes across more like he’s pouting. “You have Brian here to play valet. You guys could have gone by yourselves and had all the old lady fun you wanted. I would have given you my blessing.”
Kurt’s jaw drops straight to the collar of his borrowed button-down. “We told you where we were going! And I told you you’d be bored out of your mind! You begged us to come!”
“As a favor to you, babe.” Sebastian crosses his arms over his chest like a petulant toddler - a toddler with biceps the size of Kurt’s calves, on breathtaking display in the tight t-shirt he’s wearing. But Sebastian also looks so charmingly immature, Kurt can’t help breaking, smiling at him with heart eyes. This attitude shift - his playful moping and edge-free teasing - is one of the things Kurt loves about having Sebastian out here, surrounded by the loving bosom of his family. He’s softened, less sardonic, stopped trying to keep Kurt at arm’s length via the use of inappropriate jokes and jabs that skirt a line.
He’s gone from minor criminal mastermind, the scourge of Dalton Academy, and has become a goofy teenager.
Sebastian caps off his claim with, “Lord knows neither one of you has any sense of style,” and this time, it’s Olivia’s turn to cover Kurt’s ears. “Offense! Now you’ve gone too far!”
“Come, Olivia …” Kurt sniffles, squaring his back with a dignified roll of his shoulders, symbolically sloughing off Sebastian’s slights “… I refuse to stand here and be insulted by a boy wearing boat shoes.”
“Now, Kurt, don’t you listen to that mean, bitter … oh my God! Neiman Marcus is having a clearance sale! Come on!” She grabs Kurt’s hand and bolts toward the store, and God, is she strong! Kurt feels his feet fly out from under him as he rushes to keep up, Sebastian and Brian chuckling behind them. Kurt loses Sebastian in a sea of discount racks, each boasting bright red and yellow signs proclaiming 50% off! Final sale! 85% off re-racks! Kurt frowns at the signage, but then can’t help snickering at his own reaction to them. These signs are tackier than Kurt would expect for a Neiman Marcus store, outlet or otherwise, no doubt, but look at him being a sign snob when he can barely afford half the items on the rack at regular price?
Kurt finds his size (or his general range) and starts sifting through items one at a time, savoring the experience. He hears Olivia ooo and ahhh at a rack beside him, but his mind begins wandering to thoughts of the boy sauntering their way, helping Brian bear his load, laughing while his eyes search for Kurt.
And smiling like he’s never been happier.
For all of Sebastian’s incessant whining and rude remarks, Kurt can’t say he hasn’t fantasized about going on a no holds barred shopping excursion with him. He’s curious as hell how Sebastian would dress him. How Sebastian sees him. This button-down he’s wearing, top button undone and collar popped, is one of Sebastian’s - something Sebastian had tossed Kurt’s way after breakfast with only a, “Please?” as if his intentions were clear without further comment.
And they were.
But in a dedicated ensemble-selecting situation, what would his aesthetic be?
Kurt assumes there’d be a lot of denim and distressed tees involved, which might actually be quite fetching on him. It is on Sebastian, and the two of them are proportionately similar. With a chunky leather belt and his Doc Martens, he could see himself pulling that off. It’d be comfy, less restricting than the clothes he chooses for himself. And who knows? Sebastian might throw him a curve ball, surprise him by choosing an out-of-left-field accessory.
He’s exceptionally good at that.
The more Kurt thinks about it, the more he finds himself getting excited over the prospect of such a trip even though it’ll likely never happen.
But it could. Who knows?
It gives him something new to fantasize over.
Cooper had once accused Kurt of picking out Blaine’s clothes, and Blaine had defended him. Or himself, come to think of it. His personal style choices. But the truth is Blaine balked at a lot of Kurt’s attempts to dress him. He borrowed items from Kurt’s closet and vice versa, but letting Kurt style him? They didn’t do that all too often. The two of them had such signature styles, it felt like stepping on one another’s toes.
Might have been a good thing that Kurt didn’t, in retrospect. As with Rachel’s carousel horse sweaters, Blaine owns a cardigan or two that Kurt wouldn’t mind setting on fire.
And the temptation is strong.
But as for Sebastian’s style - Kurt suspects there’s a degree to which someone else buys his clothes for him. Like a personal shopper, or perhaps even his mom. He wears a lot of the same outside of his Dalton uniform - designer label clothes that suit his figure but don’t exactly scream personality. Kurt can see Sebastian approving the colors and having the final say, but in the end, he doesn’t do the work.
His t-shirts are a different story. Those he obviously picked out personally. They’re conversational, speak to more than his taste in clothing.
They’re a peek into his identity.
If Kurt had the chance to get his hands on Sebastian’s wardrobe, he’d dress him in pieces tailored more for his figure - dress shirts with the sleeves rolled up and one tail untucked hinting at his trim waist, layered over simple tanks of solid colors, and jeans slightly snugger than he usually wears.
Kurt swallows, his mouth stone dry at the silhouette that combination creates in his mind.
He startles out of his daydream when he realizes he’s stopped searching. Olivia’s voice has become a low hum in his ears, blending with the music and occasional store announcements; his hands gripping two separate hangers like an iron vice determined to break them in half. He peeks up to see an amused Sebastian staring at him, heading in their direction, but his view gets cut when Olivia thrusts a hanger in front of his face.
“Oh, Kurt! Look! It’s Tom Ford and it’s leopard! It would look so fierce on you!” Olivia takes a gander at the tag. “And it’s 75% off! A steal, Kurt! You have to get it!”
“Should I?” Kurt turns to the nearest mirror, mounted on a support pillar, and holds the long-sleeved shirt up to his chin. It is rather stunning. He doesn’t have to look at the price tag to know that it costs a pretty penny. 75% off of Tom Ford’s average retail price is quite the splurge for normal, non-economically blessed humans. What Olivia considers a steal would mean the sacrifice of an entire weekend at his dad’s shop. But, luckily, he has it to spend. And he’s worth it, especially after everything he’s been through.
“Absolutely! You’d be losing money not buying it at that price!”
“You know what? I think I will!” And as excited as he is at adding a new separate to his Tom Ford collection, Kurt feels a pit grow in his stomach when those words pass his lips. He feels guilty not bookmarking every single cent he has for NYADA, but seeing as he has this new plan to put into action, he breaks down and decides to buy the shirt, a pair of slacks, and a belt to tie the whole look together.
“You know, you should just go crazy,” Sebastian mentions. “It’s all good. I’ll pick up the tab.”
Kurt’s heart speeds at the offer, an orgasmic Yes! pinging through his brain, but he shakes his head. “That’s very generous, but even on sale, the prices in this place are insane! I don’t want you spending that kind of money on me.”
“Why not? I have it to spend. What’s a couple thousand between boyfriends?” Sebastian says, playfully bumping Kurt’s hip with his own. “Besides, I like the idea of spoiling you.” He leans close to Kurt’s ear and whispers, “If you want, I can take it out of what I owe you. Or in exchange for sex. Whatever floats your boat.”
Those words, in contrast to the heat of Sebastian’s breath, make Kurt’s skin go cold. It’s a joke. Sebastian is teasing. And Kurt should be happy that he feels free to tease him about this. Things are slowly coming out in the open, people are finding out about their ruse, and they don’t care, because in the end, the two of them fell in love. They’re happy.
And no one died.
Jokes about money, or their relationship, may not mean anything to Sebastian, not since the end justified the means. So they shouldn’t mean anything to Kurt.
So why do they?
Bzzz-bzzz. Bzzz-bzzz.
Kurt’s phone vibrating in his pocket is rare enough for this trip that it makes him jump a full foot in the air. Truthfully, he forgot he brought it with him. He’d deemed it unnecessary for most outings, only holding on to it in case of an emergency. He sticks the leopard shirt under his arm and pulls his phone out of his pocket. He unlocks his screen and sees an incoming message from his father. He taps on it to open it, but it refuses, bouncing back to the main screen after a few seconds of stalling.
“What is it, babe?” Sebastian asks after Kurt stabs at his screen for the fifth time with no luck.
“It’s a text from my dad, but I can’t open it,” Kurt replies. “He sent a picture attachment, but it keeps freezing up.”
“Maybe it’s too big.” Sebastian puts his share of Olivia’s shopping bags down and rests his hands on Kurt’s shoulders, gently kneading away the tension this is causing him. “Lord knows I understand that problem.”
“Ha ha,” Kurt deadpans, assaulting the screen more vigorously like he’s interrogating it for information.
Which he kind of is.
“Speaking of, can I see those pictures?” Olivia asks.
Sebastian shoots his sister a disturbed look. “You want to see pictures of my junk?”
“Does Kurt have pictures of your junk on his phone? Because if he does, I think we’ve identified the problem.”
“And what’s that?”
Olivia stares at her brother with such intense seriousness, Kurt thinks she may not be kidding when she says, “His phone obviously has a virus.”
Brian guffaws unexpectedly and turns away.
“Funny,” Sebastian deadpans back.
“I want to see the pictures from that hot air balloon ride you guys took!” Olivia clarifies, blessedly halting the conversation in its tracks.
“Oh. Yeah,” Kurt says, distracted by this issue with his phone. “Let me just …”
“Did you forget how to use it?” Sebastian asks, only half kidding. “I mean, you haven’t really been using your phone since we got here.”
“It’s not that,” Kurt says, not surprised anymore by how easy it is to bypass Sebastian’s humor and see the real message inside. Kurt is struggling to open a text - a text from his father. Sebastian knows that’s going to cause Kurt anxiety. “This has happened to me a few times before. Shoot! Now it won’t let me access my photo gallery!”
“I should really upgrade your phone,” Sebastian says, like it’s his responsibility to handle this problem, as if he has the authority to make that decision.
“My phone’s fine, Bas,” Kurt grumbles, more annoyed at his phone than he is at his boyfriend.
“Kurt, this is serious! I don’t want your wack ass service to go out when I need to get a hold of you. What if we’re sexting and your phone locks my messages, too?”
“I don’t think it’s the service. I have full bars. I can get on the Internet just fine. It’s my internal storage … mmph!” Kurt gives up on his gallery, accessing Facebook for the photos instead. “It’s the phone! I think it’s finally aged out.”
“Ergo why I should upgrade it.”
“Grr!” Kurt doesn’t bother glaring at Sebastian since he accepts the fact that he made his point for him. Yes, it would be nice to have a new phone. This one’s been giving him grief for a while. But it still works, and it’s decent. Why toss something away because it’s temperamental and frustrating? If that’s the case, he should break up with Sebastian. He laughs out loud when that conclusion pops into his head, but he doesn’t mention why, regardless of the strange looks he’s getting.
“It’s okay,” Sebastian mouths to a perplexed Olivia while pretending to patronizingly pat Kurt’s hair. “He does that sometimes.”
“Okay, okay!” Kurt cheers as his Facebook page pops on the screen. “I’ve got it! Here’s the one at holy shit!”
“Holy shit?” Olivia repeats.
“I don’t remember us going there.” Sebastian crowds with Olivia and Brian around Kurt, all staring at his phone. The first photo that comes up is the exact photo Kurt wanted - the two of them kissing in the basket of that hot air balloon with the caption he wrote, Love Defies Gravity, overhead. But that’s not the issue. The issue is:
“Seen by … 1,452 people!?”
Even Sebastian gasps when Kurt reads it.
“That’s … a lot of people,” Brian says, a less astute observation than Kurt would expect from a lawyer.
“It is. I---I didn’t even know this many people were checking their Facebook pages over the summer. Everyone seemed so busy …” Kurt pauses, swallows heavy, one that fills all the negative space in his throat, then crawls through his chest when it gets that far - his lungs, the spaces between his ribs, his heart. There it stays, obstructing his breathing, rooting him to the spot with its oppressive weight. Because it’s not just the length of the seen by list that makes Kurt’s eyes swell (and yes, it appears that almost everyone he’s ever met, known, given his Facebook information to has seen this picture), but the comments they left. Only the first four are displayed, but when he clicks the View more comments hyperlink, they shoot down his screen, disappearing out of sight.
Kurt scans the list of names quickly, noting that pretty much every member of the New Directions has not only seen the pictures but has had something to say – something positive, and that makes Kurt giddy with relief. Not that their disapproval would have had any influence over whether Kurt stays with Sebastian or not. He doesn’t need a single one of his friends to approve as long as they understand that this is what he wants. But it’s nice to know that his friends are happy for him, even Rachel, who has left him a string of heart emojis, one or two of them broken, and the almost impossible to believe comment – I’m so sorry. About everything. Call me soon. I want to talk about this.
Kurt stops reading names after he sees Santana’s remark - Plot twist of the century! Way to get it, pretty pony! FYI - I’m still down to cut a bitch if he goes back to being a puto!
“Hey!” Sebastian says, pointing her comment out.
“What?” Kurt gives him a one shoulder shrug. “It’s her way of saying she approves. Besides, it’s good to know.” Kurt smiles to himself when he hears Olivia backhand her brother and he yelps, “Careful, will ya!? Your engagement ring’s sharp!”
Kurt gets so caught up in his happiness, he doesn’t see one name in particular at the way bottom of the list. The name of someone who had said they’d sworn off Facebook for the summer, but who’d been checking it on the sly whenever they got the chance.
One of the first people to flip through all the photographs on Kurt’s page, even though they didn’t leave a comment.
They couldn’t bring themselves to, not on any of the photographs Kurt has uploaded while he’s been at the beach house – the ones he took of the ocean view from Sebastian’s room, the selfie he took with Sebastian on the porch swing, the one he took of Sebastian asleep in bed.
Especially the one of Sebastian asleep in bed.
Blaine Anderson.
***
Several times on the car ride home, Kurt attempts to download his father’s message. He waits while the loading icon circles round and round and round, but all he gets back is the error message File not available for download.
“Shoot! But why aren’t you available for download?”
The phone doesn’t answer, but Sebastian does.
“Because I’m a shit phone, Kurt,” he says in a cartoonish falsetto. “Let your sexy boyfriend upgrade me.”
Kurt side-eyes Sebastian. “Is that code?”
Sebastian bounces his eyebrows. “Do you want it to be? There is such a thing as a gadget kink, isn’t there?”
“You would know,” Kurt mutters. “You do realize that even if you upgrade my phone today to one that is faster, more reliable, has a longer battery life, and …”
Sebastian glances from the road to Kurt stuck in the midst of that sentence with his mouth half-open “… and …?”
“I don’t know. I kind of lost myself in my own argument.” Kurt’s face goes blank, marooned on the question of exactly why it is he’s turning down the offer of a new phone. He’s never been a phone snob. He’s the one constantly defending the fact that yes, he owns an older iPhone, but if it’s not broke, don’t fix it.
Except now that argument is invalid.
A newer generation iPhone would be nice, but again, it’s too much money. He loves Sebastian, but he doesn’t need him paying for everything.
At what point would spoiling be considered mooching in Sebastian’s eyes, even if Kurt starts out by vehemently objecting?
Kurt shakes his head, demolishing the image of himself wielding the latest in Apple technology when he remembers the point he was attempting to make. “That’s right. Even if you upgraded my phone today, I still might not be able to open this message. If I can’t download it, it might not transfer over.”
“Why don’t you give him a call?”
“I’ve tried! It’s not just my texting that’s on the fritz, I can’t do anything! The infuriating thing is I haven’t gotten any significant messages from anyone the whole time I’ve been here! The one day my dad has something so important to tell me he includes a picture, it pulls this crap, deciding that, after a long and loyal relationship, today is the day it’s going to screw the pooch!” At least it waited longer than Blaine, Kurt thinks sourly. Was more reliable in the end, too.
“Maybe the problem is your service and we’ve entered a dead zone,” Sebastian says sympathetically, as if a similar criticism about Blaine may have crossed his mind. “You’ve had no problems using your phone at the house, right?”
“Right.”
“Then I say wait till you get to the house and give it another shot.”
“You’re … you’re probably right.”
“Hey …” Sebastian reaches across the center console for Kurt’s hand. Kurt takes it without looking, without needing to look “… if you’re that worried about him, use the landline. Put your mind at ease.”
“Yeah.” Kurt pockets his phone, his mind whirling through the spectrum of possibilities, trying to hit blindly on which one is more plausible. It doesn’t help too much since not a single one of them is any better than the rest. “I might just do that.”
***
To Kurt:
Call me as soon as you can. We need to talk ASAP.
Sitting alone on the edge of Sebastian’s bed, staring at his phone screen, those words are as far as Kurt gets before his phone goes loopy again, but the chills that spiral up and down his spine show no sign of stopping.
Now that he has that much of the message open, his Facebook app starts flipping out. He’d been reading the threads underneath his photos, but the longer he scrolls, the app errors out and shuts down, forcing him to log in all over again. He has two-factor authentification set on all his apps, which means waiting for an authorization text before he can do anything. He’s had to change his password twice so far. He prays he won’t have to do it again.
There are just so many variations of TheGoddessPattiLuPone he can come up with.
He’ll have to move on to TheGoddessBetteMidler soon.
In between shut downs, he catches snippets of conversations that solve a couple of mysteries for him. Like how Sebastian managed to see his old Cheerios videos. A helpful Brittany was apparently instrumental behind that one, bringing them up on her phone from the official Cheerios archive (accessible only by past and present members of the Cheerios) when Sebastian mentioned he was interested in starting a squad at Dalton and would she mind giving him a few pointers seeing as she was one of McKinley’s star cheerleaders and all.
Kurt sighs over the fact that she fell for that one but he can’t hold it against her. She’s a sweetheart that way, rarely thinks badly of anyone for too long. Even with everything Sebastian has done to sabotage the New Directions, it would be water under the bridge as long as he was nice to her. Maybe gave her a gummy bear or two.
Kurt’s coffee order - a splash of cream and a half spoon of sugar - Kurt deduces in a round about way came from Mercedes one day when they went to visit Dalton to pick up some transcripts and he took her to the commons for coffee. He remembers her commenting in a voice that could never competently whisper, “A drop of cream and a half spoon of sugar? Oh honey. What’s wrong now?”
It was only once. Kurt had forgotten Sebastian was even there. He had started to dish when he caught sight of Sebastian out the corner of his eye. He immediately took Mercedes by the arm and led her away out of earshot of ‘the criminal chipmunk’.
If Kurt doubted that Sebastian actually did spend a great deal of his time gathering blackmail fodder on people the way he claimed, his mind has definitely changed, though he’s not exactly sure how knowing Kurt’s secret coffee order would help Sebastian bend him to his will.
On the flip side, Kurt is interested to find out what else he knows, and about whom.
The phone shuts down and restarts. As soon as it springs to life, it rings, the volume turned up so loud, it shocks him, causing him to fling his phone a foot in the air. Luckily he catches it before it hits the floor. He can’t afford for this thing to break more than it has. He looks at the screen, expecting (but not necessarily hoping, and that makes him feel like a heel) his dad’s number. But it’s not.
It’s Rachel’s.
Kurt groans. He’s not sure he wants to talk to her yet. Because it won’t be talked to, but talked at, a dozen questions flying at him in a single breath which he won’t be given a chance to mull over adequately before he’s expected to answer. And even though he recognizes that he doesn’t owe Rachel anything - any explanations and definitely no apologies - she may ask questions he doesn’t have satisfactory answers for. Not according to her.
Oh God! He doesn’t need this now! Doesn’t need this stress, doesn’t need to be pressured, especially when he has a mysterious message from his father to reckon with. He argues over it to a phantom Rachel in his head, outlining his reasons in a numbered list as to why he doesn’t need her interrupting his calm, harshing the one luxury he’s allowed himself the entire summer, and how there’s not a single thing she can say that will guilt him into feeling anything other than over-the-top, insanely happy.
He gets so wrapped up in winning this non-existent argument, lining up the zingers he’s been stockpiling for just such an occasion, it takes him a few seconds to notice that his phone has stopped ringing.
He stares at the red disconnected call icon on the screen, a choked off, “Oh no,” slipping past his lips.
Kurt took too long.
This could be bad.
But on the bright side, it’s not bad right this second. It seems fate answered his question for him. At least now he has a chance to take a breath before he has to consider---
The phone rings again.
Kurt sees Rachel’s name re-appear on the screen and mutters, “Good God.”
Rachel has nothing going on this summer, so she has plenty of time to keep dogging him till he answers. He knows that for a fact.
He could turn off his phone, put it in a plastic bag, shove that plastic bag in a pillowcase, and then put that pillowcase in his luggage, but he’s still trying to get to the bottom of the text from his dad.
He has no choice.
Best to get this over with, he decides, before she sweet talks Finn into finding out where he is and makes him drive her to North Carolina to talk to him personally. Even if they can’t narrow down the exact location of the beach house, she’d make him drive around while she called out his name through a bull horn to hunt him down.
Erring on the side of caution, Kurt begrudgingly picks up. Rachel’s voice comes through before the phone even makes it to his ear.
“Kurt?”
“Rach?”
“Oh thank God!” she says with an exaggerated sigh, as if Kurt has been missing for months. “I’ve been trying to get a hold of you all day!”
Kurt glances at his screen, the call history for her number outlined in small white numbers denoting this as the fifteenth call from her in the past hour. “I can see that.”
Then comes silence.
Silence because she expects him to lay everything out for her without her having to ask.
And, at the moment, after everything she said about Sebastian being a temporary person (even though, to be fair, Kurt had given her no concrete reason to think otherwise) he’s bitter enough not to.
She breathes in as if she’s about to start a sentence.
He breathes in, prepared to cut in and say, “I know what you’re going to say, Rachel,” though he doesn’t.
So he waits.
She clears her throat, and in a compassionate voice, she asks, “Wha---what happened?”
“Uh …” If that isn’t the loaded question of the decade, Kurt thinks. “It’s like this … he … Sebastian, that is … no - maybe I should start with Blaine … but first, there was this …” Kurt sighs. There is no good place to begin. “You know, it’s a lot to talk about and, to be honest, I’d rather not do it over the phone.”
“Fair enough,” she says, and Kurt can almost hear her nodding. She breathes in again but pauses, holding this one breath for a long time before letting it out in a rush. “You and Blaine aren’t getting back together … are you?”
She sounds so sad.
She sounds the way Puck’s hug felt after he and Blaine told their friends about their decision to break up.
She sounds like something important has been ripped away from her, because Kurt and Blaine’s plans for New York were, in small part, Rachel and Finn’s plans, too. As much as he’d daydreamed about living the poor college student life with Blaine, their Bohemia Academia in a run down apartment they’d make quaint and homey with a combination of stuff from home and accumulated kitsch, Rachel had imagined living somewhere nearby with Finn so they could drop in unannounced for impromptu trips to the farmer’s market; hang out on the fire escape during hot summer nights, sipping sweet vermouth and talking about the cattle calls they’d been to, the parts they hoped they’d get, commenting on no small parts, only small actors, which would turn into a dig at Blaine’s and Rachel’s heights respectively, and probably devolve into a pillow fight..
There was a future wrapped up in Kurt and Blaine’s plans that wasn’t entirely theirs and now that life is being mourned.
“No,” Kurt says, pulling off that bandage before it sits too long, hurts too much. It’s not the declaration that hurts. It’s the anticipation of what that answer might bring. He closes his eyes, jaw going rigid, hands clenching, bracing for the impact. “Never.”
Another in a long series of silences hovers between them. Not a tense one, but not a comfortable one. But then Rachel says the one word Kurt never expected to hear in response to that revelation.
“Good.”
Kurt’s eyes pop open, and inside his chest, his heart stops. “Come again?” he asks when he should be relieved he’s getting away relatively unscathed.
“He shouldn’t have broken up with you, Kurt! He was wrong! Everything he said at that party was wrong!”
“What about what you said at the party?” Kurt asks sarcastically. He can only keep so much of his anger over that contained. Of course what she said was annoying - typical Rachel Berry rhetoric. But he also felt betrayed by the person whose alliance was the most difficult of his life to obtain. He’d thought that made it the sincerest. “About how we were being very mature about the whole thing, and it was good that we were taking some time to reevaluate our choices as we stepped into the future as adults?”
“I was wrong,” she admits tearfully. And not Rachel Berry’s overacted I feel sad when you’re sad tears. These are the genuine article. “I wanted to support you. I wanted to support what I thought was your joint decision. But thinking back on it, re-evaluating what Blaine said, how you reacted to it …” She sniffles, blows her nose away from the phone, and all of the seething bitterness that has been building up in Kurt’s heart over her melts “… then seeing those pictures of you and Sebastian together, and after having a long talk with Finn, I realized that what Blaine did to you is wrong. On so many levels. You did nothing to deserve it. Nothing. And if Sebastian treats you right, if he treats you the way Blaine should have treated you, the way you deserve to be treated then …” She pauses for a deep breath, returning to form, coming to the crux of her argument “… you have my blessing.”
Kurt rolls his eyes at the insinuation that he needs any blessing from her, but he smiles fondly, so hard that his cheeks hurt. It’s a curse that none of them can seem to stay angry at Rachel for long. Even Mercedes, who had more right than any of them to hate Rachel’s guts after that rigmarole with West Side Story came around about a month later. “Thank you, Rachel. That’s very kind of you to say.”
“You’re very welcome,” she says, her voice slightly broken as she gathers herself together. “Well (*sniff*) now that you guys are official (and Kurt can see the air quotes on that one), may I ask you a very important question? And please answer honestly. This is for science.”
Oh boy. Here it comes, Kurt thinks. “Sure, Rachel. What would you like to know?”
“He’s a good kisser, right? Tell me I’m right! A boy with as much experience as he has should have gold medal technique!”
“Yes, Rachel,” Kurt says, laughing when he hears her snort. “A-plus. The absolute best!”
***
“Fuck …”
Sitting on the porch swing, stiff and expressionless as an Easter Island statue, Kurt stares at his phone screen, unable to blink even with the salty sea air stinging his eyes, sucking the moisture from them. His lips try to move instead so he can mutter to himself, sort things through with a private debate, but all he can manage is another expletive.
“Fuck …”
To Kurt:
Call me as soon as you can. We need to talk ASAP.
Along with that ominous message, his father sent a picture of an envelope, the return address NYADA, specifically the financial aid department. Across the bottom of the envelope where Kurt has gotten used to seeing the words AMOUNT DUE are stamped the words FINAL NOTICE.
Kurt swallows hard.
He’d tried calling his father when they reached the beach house on both his dad’s cell phone and the house phone, but they just rang and rang. They didn’t even go to voicemail. Considering the time, he was either running errands or in a meeting, Kurt didn’t know for sure, which didn’t calm his anxiety any. Because those errands could be to the doctor’s office, or with his cardiologist.
Spur-of-the-moment meetings, since Kurt didn’t know about them, indicating something important had cropped up while he was away.
He’d considered calling the Lima Police and requesting they stop by and do a wellness check, but that felt like an overreaction, so he decided to try one last hard reboot of his phone. The screen went black for what seemed like an hour but was probably more like fifteen seconds. After keeping him waiting, sweating it out, the operating system had the nerve to update. Close to five minutes later, the screen went white. His icons shuffled, then everything snapped back to normal. Then, without him touching it, the boxes he’d been trying to access for most of the afternoon opened, including the message from his father and its accompanying picture.
He didn’t have to look at it too long to know what it was. It slapped him in the face the second it filled the screen.
He wishes the file hadn’t opened so smoothly, that he could have eased into accessing it. Because now, underneath this beautiful star-filled sky, a stone’s thrown away from a magnificent beach, he’s about to be sick.
No, he thinks. Not now. Not when I’m here, in this sanctuary, where nothing bad can touch me, still trying to make sense of my feelings. Not when I don’t have a clue how to fix this, where to even start.
But maybe that’s the rub. Maybe he was never meant to figure this problem out. Maybe his acceptance to NYADA was something he was meant to lose, like Blaine, another part of his life he arrogantly thought was a sure thing, something he didn’t bother worrying about once he’d gotten it, slipping through his fingers.
“Hey! You figured your phone out!”
“Yeah,” Kurt says, quickly closing the text. “I just … turned it off and turned it back on again. Worked like a charm.”
Sebastian looks his boyfriend over, but particularly his smile - two-dimensional, not doing its usual job of lighting his eyes - and starts to worry. “What did your dad have to say? Nothing bad, right? He’s not … he’s not sick or anything?”
“No. No, he’s fine. He just got home, I guess.” Kurt tries to stuff the phone in his pocket, but his numb fingers have a problem working.
“You know” – Sebastian sits beside Kurt, his eyes lingering on the phone Kurt tucks out of sight – “I never did ask you what you needed $10,000 for. I mean, did you pick that number out of the air at random? Or was that what you thought dating me was worth, because, if that’s the case, then frankly I think you sold one of us short.”
Kurt nods tersely but doesn’t answer. He can’t. He’s paralyzed. Now is definitely the time to own up to something, but what? To his old plan of needing the money to go to NYADA? Or this new plan of moving wherever Sebastian is going that he’s become attached to? He knows he’ll tell Sebastian both, but which one takes precedence? If emotion weren’t entering in to it at all, if he wasn’t still confused about this relationship with Sebastian, then the answer would be NYADA, definitely. And even as that new plan, glimmering in his head, tickles his lips to make its way out, he knows the answer is NYADA no matter what, above all.
Sebastian puts an arm around Kurt’s shoulder and pulls him against him as he reclines. He pushes off the porch with his feet and starts the swing rocking its soothing rhythm.
“Originally I thought it was so you could buy yourself a new wardrobe,” Sebastian continues, trying to get Kurt relaxed enough to spill, “and I have to say, I was all for that. Hell, I was going to up it to $50,000 and take you shopping myself. Make sure you got your money’s worth.” Sebastian waits for a comeback, a snide remark, anything. But when Kurt remains quiet, Sebastian kisses his head. “Talk to me, babe. Tell me what’s going on.”
Kurt sighs. He can’t put this off any longer. Putting it off, coming up with some excuse not to talk about it, would feel like lying, and he doesn’t want to lie to Sebastian.
“It’s for … it was for college. NYADA.” God, he isn’t prepared to admit this. Not yet. Even after the time he’s given himself, he’d never wanted to admit to any of this out loud. That was worse than not having the money, so he’d been doing everything in his power not to. “I had gotten some scholarships and some financial aid, but I was approved before my father was elected to Congress.” Kurt hears Sebastian sigh. He knows he can fill in the rest, but Kurt feels like he has to keep going. “It never dawned on me to call and update them, but they found out on their own anyway. They readjusted my aid and, in the end, I came up short. Without that money, I … I can’t go to college.”
Sebastian sighs again, but instead of sounding frustrated, this sigh sounds hurt. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Because it doesn’t matter, Sebastian. I can’t take that money now. Not after …”
“Stop, Kurt.” Sebastian reaches into his back pocket. “Just … just stop.” He pulls out his wallet, takes out a piece of paper, folded once, and hands it to Kurt. At first, Kurt has no idea what it could be, though he has a nagging suspicion. But that suspicion can’t be correct! It would be ludicrous if it were!
But since ludicrous seems like par for the course this summer, it’s exactly what Kurt thinks it is – a cashier’s check for $10,000, made out to Kurt Hummel, dated the day Kurt agreed to their fake boyfriend arrangement. And even though Kurt is teetering on the brink of incredulity, he has to smirk at the comment Sebastian had the bank print in the memo line – For services rendered. Bow-chicka-bow-wow.
“You’ve … you’ve been carrying this around with you this whole time?”
“Well, yeah.” Sebastian shrugs. “Regardless of what you see on TV, you can’t just write a personal check for ten grand. And I had every intention of keeping up my end of the bargain. I got it drawn up early in case we didn’t fool anyone and my folks cleaned out my bank account. A personal check would have been worthless then, so …” Sebastian makes a go ahead and take it gesture, encouraging Kurt to put it away for safe keeping. But Kurt shakes his head.
“Thank you, but … but I … I can’t,” Kurt says, those words killing him, driving nails into his heart and twisting as he stares at this check, made out for more than he needs, his name in the pay to the order of line. It’s the answer to all his prayers, but for the sake of his conscience, he has to turn it down. Goddamned conscience! Fuck you! “That’s very generous of you, but …”
“We had a deal, Kurt,” Sebastian interrupts. “You more than held up your end. In fact, I would say you went above and beyond considering.”
Kurt nods. Objectively, he has to agree, but the way Sebastian chose to phrase it makes him feel sick. Plus, and he doesn’t know why, he feels offended. He doesn’t know what he expected Sebastian to say about the matter. He’d prepared himself for Sebastian to give him the money. He’d prepared to refuse and for the two of them to fight over it. But instead of indignant, he feels insulted.
“Then … then what does that make us? What does that make this? Everything we’ve done so far?”
“It makes it what it is, Kurt,” Sebastian says, throwing an arm in the air. “I love you, and you love me. And this …” He gestures to the check in Kurt’s hands like it’s an annoying fly he’s shooing away “… this is ancient history. Tying up loose ends.” Kurt starts shaking his head. It’s a reflex to object. This doesn’t seem right. It doesn’t seem like the kind of thing that boyfriends did for one another. Teenage boyfriends at that! It’s too much!
Sebastian, facing down his obstinate boyfriend, groans. “Kurt! Are you really going to throw your dreams away, your entire future, for something as stupid as money?”
“Well, you can call money stupid,” Kurt argues, his hand holding the check shaking. “You have it, alright? But when you don’t have it, it’s not stupid! It’s actually kind of important!”
“You’re right,” Sebastian agrees. “You’re absolutely right. It is important. It’s important, and you need it. You need it to go to college. So why the fuck aren’t you taking it, Kurt? I’m fortunate. I happen to have more money than I can use, sitting around, doing nothing. So let me give you some …” Kurt scoffs, rolls his head away. Sebastian amends his statement. “Or lend you some - however you want to do this. Remember when I said that money doesn’t matter to me beyond enjoying all the things my wealth can buy me? Well, I would really enjoy the opportunity to do this for you.”
Kurt doesn’t know what to say, so he stays quiet, hoping the right words will simply come to him. When they don’t, Sebastian takes that as Kurt trying to come up with a better argument against this, and he huffs out a frustrated breath.
“Look, if you don’t take it, I’m just going to send it to fucking NYADA with your name plastered all over it, so you might as well stop being so fucking stubborn and do it your damn self! If you and I hadn’t gotten together for real, if we hadn’t fallen in love, you’d be taking this check, conscience clear, and on your way to New York. But we lucked out, Kurt. We got something better out of this in the end. Being able to call you mine is worth the world to me. But if it causes you to give up your dream, then it’s a bad thing. I don’t want what we have to be a bad thing. I want it to be a good thing. I want it to grow and last, and that will only happen if you live out your life. If you follow your dream.”
Sebastian takes the check from Kurt’s fingers. He folds it and slides it in Kurt’s pocket. Kurt doesn’t move to object. He can’t. What Sebastian says makes sense to him logically. It’s his pride that has a problem with it. This isn’t the end. Sebastian isn’t Blaine. He isn’t going to let Kurt go just because they’re going to schools in separate states. Kurt is finally seeing an ending to this where he gets to have it all – the school of his dreams, the future he planned, and the boy he never planned on. This would be a loan, he promises himself. He’ll pay back every single cent, even if it takes him a lifetime.
“You’re going to NYADA, Kurt,” Sebastian says, kissing Kurt on the forehead between words, “one way or another. And there’s not a force anywhere on earth that’s going to keep me from making sure you get there.”
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2 Cinematic Stalkers: I Wouldn’t Be in Your Shoes (1948) and Feliz año, amor mío (1955) I recently watched I Wouldn’t Be in Your Shoes (1948), and Feliz año, amor mío (Happy New Year, My Love, 1955). Each of these films was based on a literary source: “I Wouldn’t Be in Your Shoes,” a novella by Cornell Woolrich (as William Irish), and “Letter from an Unknown Woman,” a story by Stefan Zweig which had been filmed at least 8 times before 1955, often without crediting Zweig. Both films are woman-centric, and--more importantly for the purposes of this essay--both have a romantically-obsessed stalker as a major character.
Popular culture, and notably Hollywood cinema, generally reflects the society in which it was created, and thus the depiction of stalkers has evolved over the years. In the last few decades, such individuals are often vengeful “exes” (Fatal Attraction, for instance) or obsessed fans (The Fan, 1981 and 1996—different plots but a similar premise). However, this has not always been the case—what pop culture cinema of the past often portrays as “cute” or “persistent” behaviour (e.g., a young man “won’t take no for an answer” until finally the object of his affections realises she loves him) can often—viewed through 21st-century sensibilities—appear inappropriate.
In I Wouldn’t Be in Your Shoes, the male “stalker” is eventually exposed as a murderer, but prior to this reveal, he’s chiefly depicted as a lonely and opportunistic middle-aged man who has a crush on a younger (and married) woman. Not appropriate, even for 1948, but not necessarily evil. The protagonist of Feliz año, amor mío, on the other hand, is a teenager who--as the film opens--is romantically obsessed with an older man and devotes her entire life to this crush. In the context of this film, her obsession is depicted as “romantic” and—while not normal—not necessarily wrong. Consequently, while both films contain a stalker character, they are portrayed quite differently; however, 21st-century viewers might not necessarily agree with the viewpoints expressed by the filmmakers.
I Wouldn’t Be in Your Shoes has a film noir-ish premise—innocent man condemned to death for a crime he didn’t commit; Ann could also be considered a sort of inadvertent noir femme fatale, inasmuch as she’s indirectly responsible for Tom’s conviction--but is short on the type of moody visuals one has come to expect from this film style.
The film is told in flashback as Tom sits on Death Row awaiting execution…Dance team Tom and Ann have fallen on hard times; they dream of moving to the West Coast where they’re sure their luck will change, but at the moment Ann supports them by working in a “dance school” (which appears to be one step removed from a dime-a-dance operation) and Tom pounds the pavement hoping to get a booking. One evening Tom tosses his dance shoes out the window at a noisy cat, then goes out to retrieve them but they’re gone; the next morning, the shoes are outside their apartment door. This seems suspicious to me, but Tom and Ann shrug it off.
A short time later, Tom finds a wallet stuffed with $2000 cash while waiting for Ann to leave the dance school. Tom intends to turn it in to the police but Ann convinces him to hold on to it and see if the owner advertises in the newspaper for its return. Tom reluctantly goes along, and after a few days they decide to spend some of the cash. Little do they know that one of their neighbours, a noted miser, has been murdered and his reputed stash of savings is gone. The police discover a footprint near the man’s home, and the distinctive shoe is traced to Tom, who is arrested, convicted of murder, and sentenced to die. As the date of Tom’s execution draws near, Ann offers herself to Inspector Clint Judd if he can save her husband’s life. Judd arrests a suspect but the man has an alibi. On the night of the execution, Ann tricks Judd into confessing that he committed the murder and framed Tom, so that he (Judd) could get Ann on the rebound. Judd is shot by the police and Tom is freed.
Early in the film, Ann tells her husband that one of her students regularly gives her a cash tip after each lesson; she mockingly refers to him as “Santa Claus,” and appears to have not given him much thought, other than as a something of a sucker. As it turns out, Judd is “Santa Claus,” and he’s also the detective who discovered the incriminating footprint. After Tom is arrested, Judd confronts Ann:
Judd: “Why didn’t you tell me you were married?”
Ann: “You didn’t ask.”
Judd: “As long as the $5 bills held out, you weren’t volunteering any information.”
Ann: “I didn’t think it mattered. I didn’t take you that seriously.”
Judd: “It mattered to me.”
This is an interesting exchange—Judd’s first comment suggests he was originally unaware Ann was married (when he was her dancing “student”) but clearly at some later point he later found this out and began his scheme to frame Tom and win Ann for himself. At the film’s conclusion, he tells Ann he’s purchased a luxurious apartment for her, and Ann (having picked up on a clue that points to Judd’s guilt) agrees to go there with him.
Judd says he’s “been working on this place for months,” and the apartment is furnished to her specific tastes, because “I know all about you.” He says “On my vacation I went back to Ohio, to your home town. I saw the house you lived in, the school you went to…I even saw the scrapbook you’d gotten together when you were 10…I even talked to people who knew you…I didn’t want there to be anything about you that I didn’t know. I loved you before you ever saw me. I used to go up to that dancing school at night because I was lonesome—then one night I saw you. I knew right away, but I watched you a long time…it took all the nerve I had to ask you to dance the first time. You didn’t even notice, but always the next day I could still smell your perfume…and I made plans, for us. And they’ve come true.”
Ann accuses Judd of being the murderer: “The only reason I kissed you was because I was desperate for any help I could get, and the only reason you agreed to help was because you thought you’d have me….you killed him, didn’t you? Why don’t you admit it?!”
Judd: “What does all that matter now? He [the murder victim] was no use to anybody. I wanted you to have everything in the world, don’t you understand? What difference does that make now? I love you.” At this point the police, having heard everything, enter from another room; Judd pulls a pistol and is shot to death.
Regis Toomey’s final scene as Judd is played out in an interesting fashion. Reading the quotes above, one might reasonably assume they’d be delivered in a manic, even evil manner, but Toomey delivers Judd’s lines sincerely, smiling fondly at times, proud to reveal his stalking of Ann (decades before Google & Facebook!) so that he’d know everything about her. At no point does he raise his voice or appear irrational or violent (he pulls his pistol but this seems to be a case of “suicide by cop”—there’s no indication he’s threatening Ann or attempting to escape). The closest he gets to anger is when Ann bitterly assails him for robbing and killing someone, then framing her husband for murder—he seems slightly annoyed that she doesn’t understand why he did what he did: “I love you.”
Judd’s actions are right from the stalker textbook: fall in love with a stranger; assume you are their perfect match and that you (and only you) can make them happy; research their life, likes and dislikes; try to win them over with gifts; if that doesn’t work, try to impress them by being “a hero”; exert control over them, using your specialised knowledge; if confronted, justify your actions by asserting everything you did was for “love.”
And yet, somehow Judd doesn’t come off as a wholly sinister character. This might be partly attributed to differing perceptions in 1948 and 2021; perhaps audiences in 1948 did find Judd far more unsympathetic than we do today. We have the benefit of comparing him with various over-the-top psychos we’ve seen in more recent films, and he doesn’t seem quite so bad. Also, Ann is not an entirely admirable character. She loves Tom and is emotionally affected by his arrest, but as noted above, in several ways she contributed to this situation. It’s not her fault that Judd falls in love with her and frames Tom, but the script makes it clear that she did not overtly reject Judd’s attentions: her claim that his repeat visits and cash tips “didn’t matter” to her rings true, but it also makes her seem as if she doesn’t care about anyone except herself and Tom. By not discouraging Judd (or at least pointing out that she’s married), Ann indirectly encourages him, apparently for the sake of the money. Similarly, Ann is the one who convinces Tom to not do the right thing and turn in the wallet and cash to the police. This is a crucial piece of evidence that leads to Tom’s conviction, and while one assumes Judd would have somehow ensured the same result even if Tom had turned in the cash (which only represents part of the stolen money), it’s not entirely a given. Neither of these are deliberately wrong, amoral actions on Ann’s part, and she shouldn’t be blamed for Judd’s obsession, but the film makes a point of showing Ann is not a perfect person and this slightly mitigates Judd’s guilt.
Feliz año, amor mío flips the gender of the stalker, from middle-aged police detective to young woman. María is a teenager who has a crush on celebrity violinist Ricardo, constantly listening to his recordings, reading about him, and drawing his portrait in her art class. She’s delighted when Ricardo rents a neighbouring house, sneaking in with the moving men to admire the furnishings. Caught by Ricardo’s major-domo Pedro, she leaves, self-consciously retrieving a drawing of Ricardo she’d left on the mantel. Later, María spies on Ricardo as he practices, and there’s a running gag in which she turns on a light outside of his front door so she can watch him as he arrives, only to have the Pedro turn it off again. María is sad when her widowed mother remarries and the family relocates to Pátzcuaro, a town about 350 miles away from the capital.
Several years later, María moves back to Mexico City to attend art school, and resumes her stalking of Ricardo. He spots her leaving the courtyard outside his home one New Year’s Eve, and introduces himself to her; they visit a nightclub, then return to his home where they sleep together. María leaves while Ricardo is asleep, but returns later in the day...only to discover he’s taken an emergency job overseas; she reaches the airport too late to talk to him. In true melodrama fashion, María is now pregnant and gives birth to Ricardo’s son—she refuses to convey the news in a letter, deciding to wait until Ricardo returns to Mexico…which takes several years. She then confronts Ricardo after a concert but he doesn’t recognise her, she learns he’s engaged to someone else, and she says nothing about their son.
More time passes (probably at least a decade). María anonymously sends Ricardo red roses every New Year’s. María plans to respond to her boyfriend’s proposal of marriage on New Year’s Eve, but spots Ricardo in a nightclub and goes home with him instead. She still doesn’t identify herself, and shortly after their (second) one-night stand is diagnosed with a fatal illness. Before she dies, María writes Ricardo a long letter—this rekindles Ricardo’s will to live, since he discovers he has a son.
Feliz año, amor mío is told from María’s point of view—most of the film is a flashback, representing her letter to Ricardo. Although María at one point fantasizes about what married life to Ricardo would be like (pretty great, she thinks), she apparently has no regrets about her missed opportunities: she has a son (suffering no social stigma because she’s an unwed mother), becomes successful in business, and dies happy—in the presence of her mother, stepfather, and longtime servant/friend--knowing Ricardo and his son will always remember her. Ricardo, on the other hand, clearly suffered because he didn’t marry María—he’s ill, unable to work, and has no romance in his life (his first wife and child died, and his second wife doesn’t love him or even live with him). That’ll serve him right for...leaving the country the next day and staying away for several years? Marrying someone else? Not recognising María after spending one evening with her years earlier? He’s considering suicide when the film opens, but María’s letter saves him.
Despite the fact that María is the protagonist of the film and her suffering and self-denial is portrayed as noble, her actions do meet many of the stalker criteria. She’s obsessed with someone she doesn’t know; she sneaks into his house; she spies on him; she sends him flowers anonymously; she’s jealous of the other women in his life; she dreams of being his wife. But when she has the chance to forge a real bond (other than two one-night stands more than a decade apart), María backs off, “honourably” choosing to remain unknown and depriving Ricardo of his company of his son until she’s dead. Her reasons for this are not clear, but the film doesn’t examine them or challenge their righteousness in any way. Her love is pure and noble, don’t you dare criticise it.
In addition to María denying herself and Ricardo the chance for a life together, she also prevents her son from knowing his own father for the first 10+ years of his life (Ricardito is probably at least 15 years old when María dies). Additionally María’s treatment of her suitor Manuel is extremely cruel. Manuel is a nice guy, gets along with Ricardito, and María coyly indicates she’ll accept his marriage proposal “at the stroke of midnight” on New Year’s Eve. However, when FATE places María in the same crowded nightclub as Ricardo, all it takes is an exchange of glances and a brief note from Ricardo (who, remember, has no idea who María is—she’s just a random pickup, unless he perhaps subconsciously recognises her from their brief meetings, years apart, more than a decade previously) and--BOOM--María leaves Manuel stranded without a word of explanation (he’s never seen or mentioned again—if there were any repercussions, the viewer never learns about them).
Although María’s actions are at times stalker-like, her character does deviate from the standard image of a stalker in an important way: although she does fantasize about marriage to Ricardo in one scene, she not only never takes steps to achieve this, but (as noted above) actively backs away from taking any steps to convert her fantasy to reality. Most cinematic stalkers—including Judd in I Wouldn’t Be in Your Shoes—would stop at nothing to make their dream come true, convinced that Fate has meant for them to be together with the one they love, and that they are the only ones who could make the object of their crush happy. María shows a bit of this magical thinking early in the film: after observing Ricardo bring a woman home and seeing them embrace in silhouette, María is angry and jealous, but subsequently rationalises to herself that these “romances” mean nothing to Ricardo, and only she could be his true love.
Feliz año, amor mío—and the earlier Hollywood version, Letter from an Unknown Woman, 1948, which has the same basic plot but is considerably different in the details—are both romantic melodramas about a woman obsessed with a man, as opposed to thrillers with the same basic premise, such as Leave Her to Heaven and Fatal Attraction. While the female protagonists of these films take similar actions—up to a point—the adaptations of Zweig’s novella are told from the woman’s viewpoint (although written and directed by men) and appeal to a female audience, whereas obsessed-woman thrillers portray the leading female character as a threat to the male protagonist.
Are “sympathetic stalkers” extinct in popular culture today? One would think so; perhaps not all obsessed men and women on screen are portrayed as evil, dangerous and unbalanced--there might be some that are played for comedy--but too many real-life tragedies have probably tainted this type of character beyond redemption.
#film noir#Letter from an Unknown Woman#stalkers#I Wouldn't Be in Your Shoes#Cornell Woolrich#Stefan Zweig#Feliz año amor mío#melodrama
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yasser aldurra
If you are reading this, it is because you searched the name, “Yasser Aldurra” in order to get to know him better. You want to dig up some dirt on him to see if he’s really the “good guy” that he claims to be. I am here to tell you, that if he asks for you, stay the hell away from him at all costs.
If you are here because you are searching for him as a doctor, I don’t know anything about that. I have no idea how he is as a physician. This post is strictly about him as a romantic partner. You won't find any reviews for him here so move along; this isn't for you.
For everyone else who is here because he asked for you for marriage... let me introduce myself. I am someone that met him for just a few days. We spoke to each other with the intention to get married. I have never bashed anyone after getting to know them, but he is such a liar and a bad person, that I felt like it is my duty to warn girls about him. Most of this stuff I picked up on because he never shuts up and he accidentally revealed too much about himself without realizing it. The rest I found out after things ended between us. When I first met him, I really thought that he was perfect, and I couldn't find anything wrong with him. Let’s just say that I was very wrong about that....
Here are some takeaway points if you don’t want to read this entire post:
he has actual narcissistic personality disorder and ALL the characteristics associated with that disorder
He’s insanely cheap and has lied about how much he makes (even if you don’t ask)
he’s a liar
he’s a liar
he’s a liar
everything he tells you is a lie.even things that don’t seem like lies, are lies. don’t believe anything he says. he twists the truth and gives half-truths to make things seem more plausible and believable even though they are lies.
HE NEVER SHUTS UP. HE TALKS SO MUCH AND HE’LL NEVER LET YOU GET A WORD IN
he’s manipulative
his “deen” is so incredibly flawed, and it is not the correct Islam that me and you follow.
he sees women as being inferior to men, and that men should control women and be the person in charge of the relationship. That men have the final say in all matters and that their opinion is more valid than the woman’s.
He’s able to fake being a certain way until he gets comfortable enough to reveal his true self that he hides behind his façade
he has no friends.
HES A GUY WITH NO FRIENDS. HOW MANY GUYS DO YOU KNOW THAT DONT HAVE ANY FRIENDS?! I don’t freaking know any! he’s so intolerable that even guys don’t like being around him.
has no social skills
easily offended by EVERYTHING
his ego is as fragile as glasshe does not fight fair. if he gets hurt by something that you said, even if it was unintentional, he will say something exponentially more hurtful back to you as a defense mechanism. it’s not healthy.
he will never answer your questions directly.
he will rush you to get married. he’ll use his age as the reason, but it’s really so that he traps you before you realize how trash he actually is.
he doesn't understand how to pace a relationship and will talk to you as if you've been together for years even if it’s just been a few days. He will rush you to move things forward even though you just met. When you refuse or say you need more time, he will try to make you feel guilty about it.
He constantly plays the role of the victim
He will try to make you feel sorry for him as a way to constantly control you and make things your fault, even when you’ve done nothing wrong.
He’s ridiculously controlling
he’s disrespectful as hell, and will even be disrespectful to your parents and your family
he doesn't understand boundaries or when to stop doing something, even if you ask him directly.
he is extremely blunt and hurtful
his expectations for marriage are unrealistic and unachievable. the girl he’s looking for doesn't exist in this century
he’s been through some traumatic things in his life that he’s never gotten past and it has heavily influenced how he is today. He needs some serious therapy, but ironically he’ll never get it because he thinks he’s perfect and doesn’t see anything wrong with himself.
he is childish and immature, even at 36 years old.
his mom. he worships her. their relationship is SO weird. he will tell his mom about everything that you have talked about.his mom expects to live with him in the future
even though he lives alone, he never took the time to teach himself how to cook
he cannot care for himself at any capacity and expects other people to do it for him.
He is racist
he has a hard time understanding new things that he is unfamiliar with. even things that are common sense, he struggles with.
he will belittle you and your knowledge, to make himself feel better about not understanding something. He will also go into an insane level of detail about a random topic, and when you change the subject, he goes back to it. If you ask him to move on from it, he won’t
He will control every conversation that you will ever have. He will do it slowly, and you won’t realize it until one day when you get a text from him, and you become disgusted with the idea of talking to him.
He is extremely opinionated, and any opinion that you have that disagrees with his beliefs, he will argue about it with you forever.
He says everything that he is thinking, no matter how inappropriate it is.
He has no filter. Although he lies like crazy about his past and his flaws, he is extremely honest about his expectations and how he wants you to treat him. This normally would be a good thing, except for the fact that he expects to be treated like some sort of god.
he’s insanely judgmental and not understanding. Anything that you share about yourself will somehow get thrown back in your face and used against you.
Gets angry at the stupidest, smallest things and will make things into a bigger deal than they actually need to be
He gets mad very quickly, and he doesn’t forgive or forget easily. You basically have to kiss his ass for him to forgive you for the “thing” that you did “wrong”, which is usually something stupid. He does this as a way to gaslight and control you.He will create issues out of thin air just to control your behavior and how you treat him.
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Yeah......................... you should run for the hills. Do me a favor though and don’t tell him about this post. just say that you are not interested without giving a reason.
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First of all, he is not as religious as he claims to be.
He claims to have memorized a large part of the Quran and he knows countless ahadeeth, but in reality, he only knows enough to quote it out of context to make whatever backwards argument that he is trying to make seem valid. He will use religion as the main source to back up all of his very twisted, and extremely unIslamic beliefs. He also uses it as a shield to defend himself in almost every situation. He also misquotes the ayah in surah an-nissa to convince you that men are supposed to control women, even though that’s not what that ayah means. He bends ayahs and takes them out of context just so he can use a strong source like the Quran to back up his weird, and twisted beliefs that have nothing to do with what the Quran is ACTUALLY saying (because he’s taking things out of context and interpreting them how he likes). Also, he mostly uses this to sell you the idea that he’s “a good guy”. Do not buy it. Do. not. buy. it. it is a lie. People that are actually religious do not do the things that he does or twist Islam to suit them. Islam gives clear instruction to men that they are the CAREGIVERS of woman. They are responsible for taking care of them, for spending on them, and for the other responsibilities that the girl’s parents had before she married that guy. They are not the “controllers” of women. Instead, they should be the leaders in the relationship because they have a bigger responsibility.
Secondly, and more importantly, he is a complete liar and this stems from the fact that he is a narcissist. I do not say this lightly. If you look up the DSM-5 definition of it, he fits the criteria perfectly. What is narcissism?
Narcissistic personality disorder — one of several types of personality disorders — is a mental condition in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, troubled relationships, and a lack of empathy for others. But behind this mask of extreme confidence lies a fragile self-esteem that's vulnerable to the slightest criticism.
A narcissistic personality disorder causes problems in many areas of life, such as relationships, work, school or financial affairs. People with narcissistic personality disorder may be generally unhappy and disappointed when they're not given the special favors or admiration they believe they deserve. They may find their relationships unfulfilling, and others may not enjoy being around them.
Signs and symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder
People with the disorder can:
Have an exaggerated sense of self-importance
Have a sense of entitlement and require constant, excessive admiration
Expect to be recognized as superior even without achievements that warrant it
Exaggerate achievements and talents
Be preoccupied with fantasies about success, power, brilliance, beauty or the perfect mate
Believe they are superior and can only associate with equally special people
Monopolize conversations and belittle or look down on people they perceive as inferior
Expect special favors and unquestioning compliance with their expectations
Take advantage of others to get what they want
Have an inability or unwillingness to recognize the needs and feelings of others
Be envious of others and believe others envy them
Behave in an arrogant or haughty manner, coming across as conceited, boastful and pretentious
Insist on having the best of everything — for instance, the best car or office
At the same time, people with narcissistic personality disorder have trouble handling anything they perceive as criticism, and they can:
Become impatient or angry when they don't receive special treatment
Have significant interpersonal problems and easily feel slighted
React with rage or contempt and try to belittle the other person to make themselves appear superior
Have difficulty regulating emotions and behavior
Experience major problems dealing with stress and adapting to change
Feel depressed and moody because they fall short of perfection
Have secret feelings of insecurity, shame, vulnerability and humiliation
There’s a lot to unpack here. I know it’s a lot, but if you’re still reading this, it’s probably because 1) you are Yasser (hi!) you are so full of yourself that you googled yourself and got here or 2) you were actually considering moving forward with this guy, but you are now concerned (as you should be).
Let’s start with the inflated sense of their own importance.
He will talk about his achievements for hours if you let him. In general, he never shuts up or gives you the chance to speak. He has exaggerated so many of his achievements. The one most memorable to me was the fact that he claimed to have “two board certifications, and two specialties”. like... okay.... most doctors who have a specialty also are board certified in internal medicine... you're not special. He talks so much about how “hard” he worked to get to where he is today as if the people around him are just sitting on their asses doing nothing. He bragged forever about all the places that offered him a fellowship.. which ironically were only a handful. I did not feel like he was being honest about his job offers at all. and if he was, then he’s a complete dumbass for turning them down because the offer he ended up choosing was apparently a lot worse, according to him. so, he’s either a liar, or a dumbass... or both.
on that note: he would frequently bring up the topic of money and he overemphasized how “little” money he makes. Apparently, this is because he did not want people to take advantage of him, including the person he’s getting to know for freaking marriage. any idiot on the street will tell you that a doctor in this country, that has a specialty, and is working in a private practice makes well over $250-$350k MINIMUM. He kept saying how little money he made even though I never asked him about it or even mentioned it. Everything that he told me regarding the topic of money revolved around an idea from the Quran that is taken completely out of context: “a person who overspends is the friend of the devil” (misquoting the Quran and failing to mention the next ayah on how God does not like people who are excessively stingy).
He set an exact budget on how much money he thinks is okay to spend on certain items like cars, shoes, shirts, electronics, and even things like the heating bill. He made it clear which stores he likes to shop at (they were stores like kohl's and jc penny). It’s fine to have a budget and be smart with your money. But it’s not fine to ask the girl that you are getting to know how many shoes she owns, what stores she buys her clothes from, and then blatantly tell her that the places she shops are “too expensive” for him and that she can get clothes from Kohl’s and JC Penny like him. She can shop wherever the hell she wants to shop and spend however much she wants to spend. She didn’t get those things by using your wallet. You are just getting to know each other. Chill the fuck out. Just because he has a specific budget for how much he thinks it’s okay to spend on things, we weren’t even together, and he was already controlling and judging me for my spending habits. And just to be clear, I don’t even shop frequently, or at stores that are absurdly overpriced. To hide the fact that he is so cheap, he then said “I don’t want you to think that I’m cheap. I donate a lot of my money to people in need.” A person who is not cheap doesn't need to say that they are not cheap.
For someone who speaks so highly of his achievements and success, it’s surprising that he constantly talks about how poor he is and how little money he spends.
I think we should talk about his biggest lie: what occurred in his past relationship.
Everything that he says is a lie, or some sort of twisted version of the truth. When I met him, he told me that he was divorced, which is true. But he made out his ex to be the shittiest person imaginable. He claimed that she was a “narcissist” (wow, projecting much?!). He also told me that he was the one who decided to end things with her, and that he “tried so hard to make it work but she was just very stubborn, controlling, and made him fear being around her.” He “didn’t feel safe around her.” When I asked him to clarify what he meant by that, he didn’t elaborate. It sounded like he was taking the words of his ex and using them to play the victim.
she apparently also wasn't there for him emotionally (which is imo impossible because he’s soooooooo goddamn needy, I can’t even imagine anyone even being able to fulfill this to be honest). He said that she didn’t pray, and he somehow didn’t pick up on this during their engagement!?! what a lie. whenever he would mention his engagement with her and all the “red flags” that he missed, he would always say, “I only blame myself, I’m dumb” trying to play the victim. worst of all.... he said that they were together only 6 months. Later on, I found out that they were together for TWO YEARS. I don’t know how the hell she managed to stay with his needy, controlling ass for 2 years, but may God reward her for what she endured. I couldn’t talk to him for more than a few days, I can’t imagine being with him for a few years. He bragged about how he paid her whatever was left of her mahr (dowry) and the class that she took when they ended things. He made it seem like his ex came from a very humble and simple family that was not very well-off financially, and that her dowry was A LOT.
I also found out that he was CRAZY controlling. His ex was apparently a super white and beautiful blonde. If they were in public and her sleeve came up a little to reveal her wrist, he would lose his shit. He was unbelievably jealous.
When they were signing the papers to get married, her parents, (who I found out later from someone.. are actually insanely well-off because her dad is a successful af businessman), didn’t ask for any mahr (dowry) because they trusted that his career as a physician is promising and that he would take care of their daughter. The person writing the papers said that they had to put down a number, because Islamically, it is the right of the girl to receive a gift from her new husband. So, someone in the room suggested $5,000. Not only did he agree to this ridiculously low number, but never even offered more when it was suggested. He just accepted it and moved on because he’s so cheap. Just for some perspective, I know that mahr can start anywhere from $10K-$15 and be as high as $50-$100K depending on how well off the guy is. This guy is a freaking doctor which means he makes that in like a week or so... Even as a resident or a fellow, that’s pocket change.
anyway. Her father got her a freaking brand-new Audi as a wedding gift, and her new husband gave her the promise of $5,000 after they get married... LOL.
so, when he was “bragging” about paying off her dowry when they ended things, I really thought it was a huge sum of money. it wasn't.
How he deals with his finances is really none of my business. I only mentioned it here because he would constantly mention it and emphasize that he didn’t want anyone (including his future wife) to take advantage of him. I could care less about how much money he makes because even though I never told him this (mostly because he never shuts up and I never got the chance to tell him about it), I am independently wealthy from a business that I opened up a few years ago. I am completely financially independent from my parents.
Although I never cared about his finances at ALL, it’s important to know that in Islam, a husband MUST spend on his wife. He MUST treat her well. and he MUST care for her and her finances. It’s his duty. Whatever money she makes, belongs to her. And whatever she wants to spend or save, is up to her. She can work full-time and save every penny that she has if she wants, WHILE HE SPENDS ON HER. She doesn't have to give him a cent of the money she makes (unless she wants to). AND even if she is working and she makes her own money HE STILL has to spend on her, and on the things that she needs while she saves her money or spends her money in the way that she wants. In Islam the husband MUST SPEND ON HIS WIFE. AND SHE CAN CHOOSE TO WORK AND SAVE HER MONEY IF SHE WANTS. AND IF SHE DOESN’T WANT TO WORK, SHE HAS THAT OPTION, AND HE STILL HAS TO SPEND ON HER. WHETHER SHE WORKS OR NOT, HE HAS TO SPEND ON HER. anyway. that’s why I mentioned it. I don’t care about it, I just listed it just in case anyone that’s reading this does care about it so that they know what they're getting into. Go back and read the symptoms of narcissism that I included above. It literally mentions that people with this disorder have issues with their money. This has absolutely nothing to do with Islam, and everything to do with him and his condition. He just uses Islam to back up his twisted viewpoints by misquoting things and taking them out of context.
And Islamically, just so you know, God does not like those who are cheap with their wealth. He loves those that are generous with the money that He blessed them with. And He loves those that spend on their families. Those that have wealth and are able to afford more, are expected to spend more on mahr when they get married. THAT’S what the Quran says in surah baqara at the end of the second juz when the topic of marriage, engagement, and divorced are mentioned. So even if he was using Islam as an excuse to protect his money from his wife, he’s literally wrong and it doesn’t say that anywhere. In fact, in a hadith, it is mentioned that if someone’s husband is not spending enough on her and her kids to take care of them, she is allowed to take whatever money she needs from him without his knowledge or his permission.
His past relationship tells you everything you really need to know about him. For example, everything that he complained about his ex, were things that he does. He uses the exact character flaws in him that ended his marriage as being the character flaws that his ex had. For example, he is clearly a narcissist. You can pick up on this up within just a few conversations with him. Yet, he claimed that his wife was a narcissist, and she has all of the negative characteristics of one.
He claimed that she was controlling in the relationship, yet he has extreme controlling behavior. If I didn’t talk to him or give him attention for an entire day because I was at work, he would lose his shit. He would be passive aggressive then progressively more and more aggressive until I asked him what was wrong. Then he would lash out at me as if we’ve been in a relationship for years and I did something majorly wrong, even though I didn’t. Every free moment that I had was apparently to be dedicated only to him. If I wanted to go out and I mentioned that I was leaving my house, he would start a fight just so that I could stay home and “fix” things with him. Let me remind you that I only spoke to him for a few days..... we were not a couple at any capacity, so he had no right to do this. It was extremely manipulative behavior. I was constantly gaslighted by him. I would find myself apologizing to him very frequently, and most of the time I didn’t even know why. Everything that I said to him was offensive, even though it really wasn't. For example, I mentioned the word “FOB” once to describe someone, and he was so offended by it, even though it wasn't directed at him and I didn’t say it in a derogatory manner.
Back to his ex. He claimed that she never prayed and that this was the main cause of him wanting to end things... but the entire time that I was with him, he never mentioned how frequently he prays, even when I asked him about it directly. He claimed to be super religious, but I never saw that in his worship at all (but also, only God knows that so I can’t judge him for that.. I’m just saying what I noticed). He didn’t really make time for extra ibada. Which would be totally fine if he didn’t try so hard to sell himself as being “good and religious.” The entire time we spoke he kept saying how he was religious and how he wanted a religious wife. I also never saw that in his character. I never saw that with how he spoke to and about others. He looked down on everyone that wasn't from the same background as him or had the same education as himself. He was very disrespectful of others. I found that it mostly stems from his ignorance and intolerance of other cultures.
He said some really disturbing things about immigrants coming here and mooching off of the system. That they are basically living off of the taxes that he pays. Even though he is an immigrant himself, he didn’t believe that they deserve the same opportunities and chances that he got. He firmly believed that everything he has now was earned by him, and that he worked hard for it. It never crossed his mind that he was given a chance by people who stood up and fought for those rights and opportunities for immigrants. He always saw himself as someone who was “self-made.” He was extremely oblivious to the fact that he wouldn’t have gotten as far as he did, had it not been for those same opportunities that he didn’t think the other immigrants deserve. He was very arrogant.
His social interactions:
I heard from someone this crazy story about a girl he was getting to know:
He suggested that she and he go out to some restaurant to eat. After they finished dinner, he INSISTED that they get dessert. She said she was full, and she wasn’t interested in getting anything, but he kept insisting over and over until she finally said yes. She chose a brownie or something that she liked. And he didn't freaking order anything. He suggested that they share because she needs to be watching what she eats. Apparently what she chose was too many calories for her or something.
SHE DIDNT EVEN WANT DESSERT IN THE FIRST PLACE. AND WHEN SHE GOT IT YOU TOLD HER IT WAS TOO MANY CALORIES FOR HER!? It boggles my mind how hypocritical he is. Everything he says and does is carefully planned so that he can tear down someone’s self-esteem and self-worth just to make himself seem better. I interpreted this story as him being too cheap to get two desserts. He obviously wanted something, and he wanted to overcompensate for his cheapness by insisting that she gets something so she thinks that he’s doing this out of generosity. This way, he only has to pay for one dessert because he can suggest later that they share it. Also, the fact that she ordered what she wanted makes it seem like she's in control of the situation, but then he gaslights her. In order to get her half of the dessert, he can’t just ask to share. Instead, he uses it as an opportunity to take a jab at her self-esteem so that she questions herself. It’s actually kind of complex for someone as stupid as him. He’s crazy manipulative and controlling like that. It’s the only way he knows how to interact with people, really.
When I asked him about people in his community and the friends he has there, he was EXTREMELY defensive. This was honestly the biggest red flag for me. I asked because if we were to get married, I have to move to where he is, because he refused to move to where I am. I wanted to make sure that there is some sort of community around us that we can interact with. I wanted to know if I could build new friendships and relationships with people there. AND I wanted to know how likable he is, because from everything I saw in the few days that we spoke, he was very intolerable. I wanted to know if it was because he was always like that or if something was going on with him. I think it is a pretty fair way to gauge someone’s general demeanor. Everyone I know has AT LEAST one friend. People that don’t have friends usually don’t for a reason. Either they keep their distance from others, or others have a reason to keep their distance from them. In most cases, it’s a red flag about that person. But in some circumstances, it’s really not that person’s fault and there is nothing specifically wrong with them. So, I had to make sure for myself.
If a guy has no friends, he will automatically expect you to spend all of your time with him. He won't understand or accept you casually going out with the girls or having them come over. Also, in general, guys don’t have as much drama as girls. Even if a guy is a complete scumbag, other guys will find something about him that they like, and they will generally get along. That’s just how guys are. They're all chill with each other, even if they don’t know each other well, or at all.
So, when I asked him this question and he got extremely defensive, I knew something was wrong. He claimed that the guys by him didn’t invite him anywhere because he isn't married. Everyone in his community is apparently married, and according to him, he was outcasted because of his relationship status. ...which doesn't make any sense. I’ve never heard of this being an issue for anyone, guy or girl. At least in my community, single guys and girls all get invited to married-people events. I know this, because I get invited to those events.
Basically, he has no friends. He doesn't even keep in touch with his old roommates or classmates. He doesn't really talk to his sisters either. That’s why this question was so triggering and offensive. Even though it’s not an offensive question at all. “tell me about the community there and your friends.” Literally nothing wrong with it...
He’s a loser. I hate to say this, but he really is.
The only person that he talks to every day is his mom. And to be honest, she's not the best role model for him. That leads me to my next major point.
His mom
She basically made up a very elaborate fabricated story about her and her son and how she hasn't been able to find him a wife for some fake reason. It was a complete sob story told to a rishta auntie so that she can hook him up with some girls. Every part of that story was fake and was told in a specific way to shift blame from the trash that is her son and to also to instill empathy for them. If she got your number, most likely this is how she did it.
The apple really doesn't fall far from the tree. She’s just as much as a liar as her son, if not more. I wouldn't be surprised if she taught him all of the manipulative things that he says and does as well as all the lies that he spews.
That’s not even why I mentioned her. The main issue you need to be concerned about is the fact that he’s in his freaking late thirties and she still has complete control over him. Their relationship is not healthy at all. Because she is the only person that he talks to, he tells her everything. And I really do mean everything, without any exaggeration.
Absolutely nothing off limits for what he shares with her, including private conversations with you. He will share EVERYTHING with his mom, no matter how personal it is and no matter how much you ask him to keep it to himself. and if it is something bad, he will use it against you later on and make you feel bad about it and judge you for it. everything that you have shared about yourself with him in private, he has already told his mom about. They have already discussed it, and they have already made the decision on whether or not they want to blow it out of proportion.
If what you shared about yourself or your life interferes, in anyway, with the plan that they have in mind for him... your issue will be exposed. For example, if you want to wait a year or two before having kids, this interferes with his plan to have kids immediately after marriage. HE WILL NOT TALK TO YOU ABOUT THIS DIRECTLY. Instead, he will act like he is 100% okay with it and seem completely supportive of your decision. If you ask if he has a problem with it, he will lie and say no. Then after you hang up, he will call his mom immediately afterward, then tell her everything that you told him. THEN she won't even call your mom to complain... she will first call the rishta auntie that gave them your moms number and ASK ABOUT YOU even if the lady doesn't know you. The thing that you shared with him in private, and he said he was okay with, has now reached two other people without your knowledge. After his mom talks to the rishta auntie and tells her about this “world-ending issue” that has come to light...that lady will tell her that she doesn't even know you well enough to give any advice (about something that’s not her freaking business). then she’ll tell his stupid mom to take it up with your mom. So, within 20 hours of talking to him about a private matter that you both seemingly clearly agreed on... your mom will get a phone call from his complaining about it and how that’s not what he wants.
This “guy” is so emasculated by his mother, that he can’t even stand up for himself. It’s so pathetic. She has to speak on his behalf.
Sometimes it is okay for parents to step in because they handle sensitive situations more delicately and in an eloquent way. But for him, EVERYTHING was a sensitive situation, and he didn’t know how to handle any of it on his own. the worst part is that his mom is a complete bitch. She was SO rude when she was speaking to my mom. She was unnecessarily aggressive in her speech and in her tone. Like if she was at least able to handle things like a normal person, it would've been acceptable. But she was literally this biggest bitch I've ever met. I’ve never had a guy’s mom talk to mine in such rude way. It’s no wonder why he acts like such a baby, why everything offends him, and why he expects everything to go his way all the time. They literally think that just because he’s a doctor, that he needs to be worshipped and that the world revolves around him.
This happened several times when I was getting to know him during those few days. I eventually learned that there are absolutely secrets between them. Everything you tell him will reach his mom, and she will share it with the third party that got you guys in touch. I’m honestly not surprised that he shared everything I told him with her. It actually makes perfect sense.
You must understand that they have a very weird relationship for a reason. You are not just going to marry him... you are also marrying his mom. That’s one of the reasons that she has to know you so well. One of his conditions is that you have to be okay with her living with you guys. He is adamant about this. He has a room for her in his place for when she comes to visit, but she's planning on moving in permanently. But yea, his mom has fully reinforced his toxic behavior and expectations. It’s perfectly okay to live with your spouse’s parents. But it’s not okay for them to learn everything about you, and for you to not have any privacy with your spouse. I blame his trash character on her and her Karen-ness.
On that note..
His trash character
If he hasn't shown this to you yet, because he is still on his “fake” persona that he puts up early in the relationship.. then heed my warning. Strap yourself in for the hell that you are about to experience (or have already experienced).
Expect him in the beginning to “love-bomb” you. meaning, he will overly praise and admire you all the time. He will put u on a pedestal and tell you that you are the best person in the world. that if he ends up with you he will be the luckiest guy ever. You are perfect in every way, and everything that you have done is a huge achievement (even if it’s something basic). He will list out all of the things that he loves and adores in you. this will come literally the second time you talk lol. He’ll act crazy obsessed with you.
BUT..... he is ONLY doing this because 1 of 2 things are about to happen. The first is that he is craving for you to admire him in a similar manner. He is literally teaching you how he wants you to praise him (all the time btw). He wants you to compliment him back. Everything that he said is straight up just him fishing for a compliment. Don’t give him one. You don’t need to. Just general advice: you don’t owe a guy anything for what he does. If you want to compliment him on something you genuinely like, go for it. But NEVER feel obligated to compliment a guy just because he complimented you. It’s okay to just say “thank you” and accept it.
The second, is actually really scary. This is a tactic that narcissists used when trying to trap someone. Remember the term I used earlier, love-bombing? Well, this is actually a tactic that narcissists use in their cycle of abuse. It’s not healthy to have such strong feelings towards someone you just met. But that’s how he’ll talk to you. If you want to learn more about what I’m talking about, read this article to get a better idea: https://www.healthline.com/health/love-bombing#soulmate-claims
Eventually he will start gaslighting you. Making you question yourself. making you feel like everything that you say and do is offensive to him. You will start apologizing to him for stupid things.
Out of all the lies that he told, he was ironically very honest about his uncontrollable anger. He gets angry, UNBELIEVABLY quickly and about EVERYTHING. If something goes wrong, it is the end of the world for him. He lashes out immediately, in a very rude and disrespectful way (...does this remind you of someone........? if you said his mom, good job!). Just like a bratty little kid lashes out disrespectfully at people around them when they don’t get their way... this guy is the same way. If he is “offended” by something... which is literally everything. Everything that freaking offends him.. he lashes out. If it is an issue that deals directly with his future with you, and his bratty behavior is not applicable, that’s when his mom is involved.
Yasser, if you are reading this, please grow the fuck up. you are in your late thirties, stop acting like a prepubescent dickless little boy who's balls haven't dropped. You are a grown ass man, act like it. Real men don’t have their moms listening in on every conversation, fighting their every battle, and being their only friend. Real men deal with their issues in a calm and respectful way, not by disrespecting the other person, projecting their issues onto them, and purposefully saying something mean to hurt them because they apparently hurt you. grow the fuck up.
You need therapy to deal with your mommy and daddy issues. You need therapy to deal with your textbook case of narcissism. you need therapy so that you can stop being such a shitty person so that maybe one day, someone other than your mom will love you.
I’m glad I met you, because you were the absolute worst person I’ve ever met in my entire life. Now I know exactly what to avoid with future guys that I meet, and I also have the comfort of knowing that no one will ever be as horrible as you.
If you don’t plan on bettering yourself after seeing this, I hope that if you do get married that you end up with someone who deserves you because they are just as shitty as you. I hope they take advantage of you and the money you keep hoarding. I hope they lie to you about everything in their life and in their past, and you don’t find out until it’s too late and you can’t leave or end things. I hope that they use your vulnerabilities against you. I hope that they disrespect you and belittle you. I hope that they are able to control you in every aspect of your life. I hope they are able to deal with your psychotic mother in a way that hurts you. I hope you are emasculated in your own marriage, and that your wife wears the pants in the relationship. I hope she makes decisions without you, and I hope it drives you crazy.
I hope your ex-wife got remarried to someone who actually deserves her and appreciates her. I hope their relationship is happy. I hope that her happiness with her new husband makes you completely miserable because you lied about how horrible she was and you abused her.
You lied about and exaggerated the things that I said to you in private and exposed me. I hope that you are exposed to everyone, just like you exposed me and my secrets. You may have told lies and exaggerations about me, but I’m telling the truth about you. Everything you said about me is nothing to be ashamed of. But everything about you is disgusting and shameful. You’re lucky that I didn’t go into more detail about how horrible you are, and the outrageous things that you said and did. This was in no way revenge. I could care less about you or getting back at you. I wrote this because I hope that every girl that meets you finds this post and heeds my warning about you and they are protected from you, your mom, and both of your evil. It’s a shame, that you have so much potential to be a good person, but you choose to be this way. I feel bad for you.
If you are a girl that met this fool and you want to share your experience, feel free to make an account if you don’t already have one and share with us. I genuinely hope that this post helps someone. I would love to know that it has. Leave me a message if this helped you in any way, even if it does not relate to him directly. Please don’t send him any hate on my behalf, that’s not the intention of this at all. I would prefer if he doesn’t see this, so don’t send this to him if you know him. If he does find it on his own, that’s on him.
If you are someone who is in a relationship with a guy or a girl you suspect has narcissistic personality disorder, please leave that relationship asap. It is not healthy for you. They will traumatize you and leave a lasting impact on what you’ll expect your future relationships to look like. You deserve better. Even if you don’t think that you do, YOU DESERVE BETTER. Leave. It’s better to be single than to be with this type of person.
#relationship#gaslighting#narcissism#narcissistic personality disorder#mental health#mental disorder#mental disorders#rishtas#khatabeen#men#love bombing#unhealthy relationships#relationship advice#fobs#karen#fragile masculinity#fragile male ego#ego#friends#red flags#doctor
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I saw your posts about Spider-Man on twitter but I’d rather message you anonymously because I’m shy; anyways, I saw your reaction to that video of Zendaya, Tom and Jacob to the is Spider-Man Jewish question. And their reactions pissed me off so much. They were all so dismissive of the questions and actually laughing at it. I myself am Jewish and was really excited to see so many people talking about Peter being Jewish and now I keep flashbacking to that horrible video 😡
Please don’t be shy! I don’t bite first. But I completely respect your right to be anonymous, particularly on this subject, which has garnered some heated discussion on several sides. If you saw my tweets I’m fairly sure you know my stance on it. I’m going to elaborate anyway for the unaware, free of twitter’s character limit, as to why the MCU Spider-Man cast’s reactions to being asked if Spider-Man is Jewish was frankly very inappropriate.
For those who haven’t seen the clip, it’s here. (Please don’t harass OP for posting it more than they’ve already been harassed for daring to point out the antisemitism in the clip, I just don’t feel like finding the whole Wired video.) I have multiple problems with this, starting with the fact that I personally feel like it’s a setup. The focus of this -- both from the critical and defensive sides -- has very much been on the actors themselves, but I want to walk it back a little bit, because while their reactions to the question were undoubtedly both ignorant and hurtful (there’s nothing inherently humorous about asking if a character is Jewish, so I’m not sure why Zendaya was laughing), ultimately I think the larger problem is why this was allowed on the internet in the first place. The actors themselves may be young -- though I will point out they are all adults and professionals, and this isn’t the first interview for any of them -- but their managers aren’t, and it’s hard for me to believe that if a company with as much range and influence as Disney didn’t want religion discussed in promotional material for the film that they couldn’t have that material blocked. It’s less difficult but much more questionable for me to believe that nobody saw these young stars’ reactions to the question “is Peter Parker Jewish?” and no one decided that the content needed to be refilmed so it came off less mocking or that it should be cut entirely. Let me be really very frank: a group of non-Jewish actors should not have been asked this question, even if their reactions were respectful and inclusive towards the Jewish identity, because their opinions don’t matter. The opinions of Jewish creatives matter. These actors most likely (or, based off their reactions, definitely) don’t have the tools needed to recognize the Jewish coding within the character the way a Jewish creative does, and their opinion on the subject doesn’t matter compared to that of a Jewish person. Take, for instance, Andrew Garfield’s insightful comments drawing on his own cultural experiences as a Jewish person, or Phil Lord of Into the Spider-Verse’s description of Peter Parker. This is not a flat out condemnation of Tom Holland, Zendaya, or Jacob Batalon, but it is fair to say that none of them are experts I would call upon to discuss the Jewish history of Spider-Man, given that none of them are Jewish or, based on the linked interview, apparently have given Judaism and the history of superheroes any serious thought. Which, again, is not their job or a faction of their identity, so I can’t exactly blame them for it. It’s disappointing that they are not more open minded and better spoken on the topic, but not surprising that they aren’t.
That being said: their reactions were completely inappropriate and borderline antisemitic. Let me make it perfectly clear that you don’t have to be acting with malicious intent to be antisemitic; antisemitism is ingrained in our culture, in our jokes, in our popular media, and it is incredibly easy to fall prey to it without realizing what you are doing, and these three young and very influential stars reacted to the notion of Peter Parker being Jewish as if you’d asked them if he was Martian. I’ve seen a lot of people attempt to excuse the comments by saying that the actors were “taken aback” or “surprised” by the “randomness” of the question, but there’s really nothing random about it when Andrew Garfield was quite outspoken about Peter Parker’s Jewish identity and when Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse had Peter B. Parker very notably have a Jewish wedding, which for me lends some doubt to Zendaya’s claim that she’d “never heard anyone ask” that particular question, all the while giggling like something was funny. It’s quite possible she’d never heard it before, but that means she’s divorced herself from greater discussion involving other adaptations of the story, including discussions that took place six months ago when Spider-Verse was in theaters. I’ve also seen plenty of people attempt to let Tom Holland off the hook for his comments, saying that he only said “I don’t know” when in fact he prefaces that with “I don’t think he is.”
Let me be very clear: that these young actors lack of knowledge about the Jewish coding of Peter Parker and the long Jewish history of superhero comics isn’t the problem. They are being paid to portray roles, not to know everything about the history of those roles they are portraying. The problem is the language they employed when the question came up. It was dismissive, it was insulting, and it was antisemitic, whether or not that was the intent of the speakers. Again, you don’t have to be actively malicious to be antisemitic. “Is Spider-Man real” was treated with respect while “is Spider-Man Jewish” was hurriedly and thoroughly dismissed. Let me be very clear: I would not have a problem with this clip if Tom Holland had simply said “I’m not sure”, or if Zendaya had said “I hadn’t heard that before, but that’s interesting,” or anything along those lines, being inclusive about the idea of Peter Parker being Jewish even if they weren’t hardline approving of it. The fact was there was no support for the concept of Peter Parker’s Jewish identity, only giggly or confused dismissal, and that is not the way to treat any marginalized identity, and I frankly can’t believe that people would rather side with the actors in a moment of ill-spoken and insulting dismissal of Jewish people -- acting as if it’s a total impossibility that Peter Parker could be Jewish -- than with the Jewish people who rightfully feel hurt by their insensitive comments. They’re fine, people. They still got paid far more than anyone taking offense at their careless words. They didn’t go down a hundred points in the secret Jewish gold stock market. They probably didn’t even notice the backlash from Jewish fans among their 18,000 other social media notifications. Nobody is quote-unquote “canceling” them for being ignorant of Jewish history in superhero media and pop culture and for speaking carelessly. Perhaps there should be greater consequences, like, at the very least, a public apology for their careless language and laughter, but honestly, that’s very unlikely, so you don’t need to defend them. They’re probably fine.
I said this on twitter, but I’m going to say it again: a lack of knowledge about Peter Parker’s Jewish coding or the long history of Jewish creators and subtext in superhero comics, especially when Marvel was getting its start as we know it now, is not a bad thing. It is not bad to not know this. If you didn’t know this, you’re not a bad person and you shouldn’t feel bad or guilty for just learning it. We all have things we are unaware of or that we don’t possess the cultural tools to recognize. That’s part of having an individual human and cultural experience. The problem becomes when this is brought up and instead of being interested or at the very least inclusive in their language, young influential stars dismiss it outright. Tom Holland’s “I don’t think he is” could have easily be “I didn’t think he was, but that’s an interesting point to look into”, whereas Zendaya claiming she’d never heard that could’ve easily been “I didn’t know that.” Simple as that. Minor changes, but a world of difference. These stars may be young, but they are professionals, and they should be expected to act in a professional manner. Instead, they chose in the moment to dismiss it entirely. And like I said, this is not entirely their fault, because I do think that upon their reactions either a reshoot should have been ordered with their handlers giving them tips for more inclusive and less offensive language, or that the question should have been cut entirely if it wasn’t going to be taken in good faith or discussed seriously. But it wasn’t. This was viewed as appropriate discussion and aired. And, as inappropriate as the actors’ words were, and as much as I personally believe they should apologize for those statements, that is not their solely their faults. Someone should have corrected them for their own good and for their own growth. There should have been people looking out for their images who should have said, “hey, this doesn’t look good, this is coming off like you’re dismissing the Jewish identity and experience.” But there weren’t, because the Jewish interest is not viewed as marketable, and therefore insults to Jewish people -- intentionally malicious or not -- are not viewed as things that need to be managed. And that is deeply unfortunate and very telling of how people in Hollywood, an industry that wouldn’t exist without Jewish people, currently views Jewish people. And I have to say, I expect better of young professionals in 2019 than when faced with a question about marginalized identities like Jewish people to either dismiss or laugh through the inquiry instead of paying it the minimal amount of respect by at least pretending to entertain the notion, even if they don’t personally believe it.
Ultimately, I have to say, none of this is surprising if you view Disney as thoroughly managing their own brand (and know that their own brand is heavily antisemitic), when Spider-Man: Homecoming contained several depictions of Jewish people that either unsettled me or struck me as inappropriate. The first is the black hats on the subway who glare at Peter -- poor little MCU Peter, who people are endlessly willing to woobify and excuse -- and then, in his school, the kid in full Orthodox attire, when a child at that level of religious dress would never have been at that school because a secular school could not properly address his religious needs and when the New York Orthodox community is famously insular. No, everything the MCU did in Spider-Man: Homecoming, in my personal opinion, reflected the harmful opinion that you can “spot” a Jew, by having men in full Orthodox dress glare at Peter Parker on subway, by having a child in his multicultural school in full Orthodox dress instead of simply wearing a yarmulke or a Star of David necklace like, say, Kitty Pryde was famous for during her debut. There’s nothing wrong with highlighting the Orthodox community, but when that is all the Jewish representation in your film, with no plot reason for doing so, it strikes me as distinctly odd, as if you’re trying to separate the Jewish contingent from the rest of your audience. When Marisa Tomei, who looks a certain kind of ethnic, is identified in-universe as “the hot Italian woman”, lest anyone think her Aunt May and therefore Peter Parker might be Jewish. The message then becomes: you can spot a Jew. And you can’t. That’s harmful. That’s what led to me in my grandmother’s rented apartment while she was dying while her nurse ranted to me about her landlord the “evil Jew”, afraid to say anything in case she harmed my grandmother while I wasn’t there. That’s how that ends up. So I’m sure Tom Holland, Zendaya, and Jacob Batalon didn’t view their comments in the moment as harmful, and I’m sure the people who are defending their naivete and ignorance about Jewish culture and the Jewish history of comic books are only trying to speak out towards their favorite actors, but there are real consequences towards this type of language and this type of behavior and this lack of respect for the Jewish identity, and this isn’t something that can just be brushed off. And those are my thoughts on the subject.
The MCU already took careful decisions to erase to the Judaism from Spider-Man, notably following Andrew Garfield’s open declarations about Spider-Man’s Jewish identity. Now its actor are following suit. It’s hard for me to pretend it is a total coincidence, especially following Into the Spider-Verse’s Peter B. Parker with his Jewish wedding scene, voiced by Jake Johnson, who is from a Jewish family, which came out barely half a year ago. It’s both fine and normal to be unaware, especially if it’s not your background, of the Jewish history of Spider-Man. It is not fair or appropriate, especially if you are not Jewish, to dismiss the notion that the character could be Jewish without any kind of consideration, and it is especially not fair to laugh at the notion. I don’t have a lot of faith that the actors involved will learn from this, but I sincerely hope that they do and that they behave better in the future, because they did hurt and insult a lot of real Jewish people whose feelings should not be ignored.
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Why I don’t interact with @gam.iru_ on Instagram
@gam.iru (idk what name they use) is a mestize puerto rican user who I have beef with because of their repeated instances of antiblack racism and racism against korean people, inappropriate sexual behavior, bullying of others, and a lot of other stuff. This post is going to act as my catch-all post explaining my reasons for no longer wishing to associate with them or their friends. I am not trying to “ruin their life” or intentionally make them look bad... they make themself look bad.
One of my main issues with them during the time that we were friends was their frequent use and defense of nonblack people, themself included, using the terms n*gga and n*gger. The first instance of the N word was in a group chat that we had back in early-mid 2018 for Cookie Run fans, where they would on occasion refer to certain individuals(cartoon characters, public figures, etc.) as "that n/gga", and then once I or another user called them out for it they'd insist that they were in the wrong headspace, failing to address the bigger issue.
To add from that, one of the things that lead to the termination of our friendship was their repeated defense of the use of the term "n/gger sugar" in a song by the band Queen, and continuing to listen to this song and mock me for it making me uncomfortable. This term is obviously racist, and there's never any reason for a nonblack person to use or defend it. From what I've been told byother users, gam.iru is claiming that they refused to listen to the song in question. I can confirm that gam.iru did not, in fact, avoid songs that contained the term n*gger. Their choosing to listen to the offending song in question was what made me first criticize the action. This first altercation (the first time I've called them out for the n word, not the first time it was used) was on April 17, 2019 at around 6 am EST, so 5 am for them.
Even if they were telling the truth with avoiding offending songs, it is still beyond inappropriate of them to try to defend or justify the use of this term by a nonblack individual, or furthermore claim that other individuals' actions are not racist because they don't think they're racist. Especially to me, a black person. Nonblack people do not get to dictate what is and is not considered antiblack racism, or try to tone police black people when speaking on antiblack racism. gam.iru did this on numerous occasions.
Another one of the things that they did was repeated racialized hateful remarks towards east asian musicians, specifically korean artists. Apparently, they've tried to justify this by citing that hating on kpop was a trend at the time, but the trend originated from racialized xenophobia and they knew that and simply didn't care. They repeatedly made comments lumping all korean people into one category, mocking korean artists, and all that, which is still racist regardless of intent. Using a racist meme doesn't excuse racism, and that was one of my problems with them. They also did this to a lesser extent with Japanese musicians who I listened to at the time, but I didn't mention that since their fixation seemed to be specifically on Korean people. They went a step further from simply "not liking" kpop to the mockery of korean people, bringing this up every single time other people in the group chat mentioned anything korean ,and making racist remarks. This was my issue.
(please note that the screenshot where I call them Jack is from 2018, before they chose the name Carlos. I don't intend to deadname them, this is just a really old message. To update, they no longer go by Carlos either, and I don’t know what their new name is.)
The idea that Western artists represent and own the concept of free expression while Asian artists are "starved" and are always forced to suffer is not only racist propaganda, but dishonest. The implication that this is merely a Korean issue, when many corporations such as Disney or Atlantic Records have had repeated issues with pedophilia, abuse, and censorship of their own stars, is therefore racist no matter how you spin it. You cannot criticize the kpop industry while actively supporting the western music industry as if there's nothing wrong, which is something gam.iru has done.
The entire trend of hating kpop was something started by mostly white men to emasculate east Asian men and mock them, citing that they "look the same", and mock teenage girls for liking these stars. Gam.iru , to date, has never apologize for making comments like this, or apologized to my friend, another black user, for her art "looking like a kpop stan's", and repeatedly inserting themselves into conversations discussing her interest in korean artists. All of this was done while spamming the chat with pictures of Queen (and occasionally other offending artists), whom Sharon and I had previously denounced as being antiblack in some form.
I can assure you, since I was there for all of this, that gam.iru was not speaking from a place of supposed concern for Korean artists when they made these comments, but rather simply being an ass.
To continue, the reason that their fetishization of dark skin was included in this list, is due to this being an aspect of racism. Talking about how you have a "preference" or whatever for dark skin while repeatedly engaging in antiblack racism and making comments about how hard it is to draw natural hair is disturbing. The fetishization of features associated with blackness, such as dark skin is weird as hell, and I personally take issue with it as a dark skinned person. It may not seem as significant to you, but comments like that make my skin crawl, as fetishistic racism is rather dehumanizing when you're at the receiving end of it.As someone who is dark skinned and female-presenting, I can say that the amount of sexual exploitation that dark skinned black girls go through because of this obsession with our bodies and features is incomprehensibly harmful to our psyche and self image. This fetishistic racism is also known as exoticism, which is what leads to people breeding for the aesthetic (people having mixed race children because they're "prettier") and white people adopting children of color for the Aesthetic, leading to psychologically damaged children who often times will have identity issues, be divorced from the culture, and in the case of white/poc mixed kids raised by white parents, be self hating towards the poc parent's race.
This entire supposed "preference" for dark skin, juxtaposed with the fact that they have /only/ dated fairly pale white people is disturbingly fetishistic and made me and other black people who were in group chats with them violently uncomfortable.
Other racist aspects of their behavior during and after our friendship would be their frequent digital blackface and seeming mockery of mentally ill black people, as well as overuse (and misuse) of AAVE and treating black people as the punchline to many of their jokes.
I can't explain what digital blackface is well in my own words, but it can be boiled down to a frequent use of black people and the black image as your way of "expressing yourself" (comments like your "inner black girl" or what have you), as a means of further commodifying the black image. Some articles/videos that explain it better than me: [X, X, X]
In regards to mentally ill people, one of gam.iru's favorite subjects of ridicule until only recently (the past 3 months) was a mentally ill black woman who goes by Peaches online. She is a victim of repeated physical and sexual abuse who achieved notoriety in 2017(?) after running away from her home and making money through creating shock videos of eating her own feces, and sex work, when she was roughly 16 years old. Since then, her behavior has become more hideous, with attempts to sell her infant daughter and incidents of public exposure in areas where there are young children, molesting and subsequently murdering a puppy, and intentionally trying to give sexual partners STI's. There are more things that she has done, but I don't wish to go into more detail. I do not in any way intend to defend Peaches' behavior, and have limited sympathy given the severity of the crimes that she has committed. Nonetheless, gam.iru , and people like them, find this behavior-what should be clear cries for help- amusing. I can't express my disgust enough.
Besides Peaches, frequent punchlines to gam.iru's bizarre humor were Wendy Williams, a talk show host whose rage and mental spiral has been played up by media for laughs, and Rick James, a musician who suffered from cocaine addiction and subsequently kidnapped, tortured, and sexually and physically assaulted women and girls on multiple occasions. Gam.iru unironically declared their being a fan of this man despite all of this on multiple occasions.(I really don't want to include every instance of them talking about rick james just trust me when I say it was a lot)
In regards to their misuse of AAVE, it would be inappropriate to call them out without acknowledging that just about every nonblack person I know also makes it a point to overuse and misuse AAVE. AAVE stands for African American Vernacular English, or alternatively BVE (Black Vernacular English). You probably know it better as internet slang or "stan twitter speak". This is another thing that gets misappropriated frequently in modern society, and I don't have the mental spoons to properly explain its history and the extent of why nonblack people using it is icky... to say the least.
Being overly critical and outwardly racist towards black people while fixing your mouth to use our own dialogue for a trend is yet again another form of racism, and pretty nasty on their part. They're not the only person who does this or the last person who does it (this is a growing problem in society), but I take issue with them in particular for using AAVE as a joke while also being extremely antiblack.
There are more articles that talk about this issue in detail, but to start here's this one: http://www.dailyuw.com/opinion/columnists/article_b7318c5a-fb7b-11e9-afee-a73bf103f2db.html
Besides racism, personal grievances that I and others had with them were their being uncomfortably sexual in conversation and in sfw spaces.
Frequently, when we were friends, they would send nsfw memes in inappropriate locations, or a completely sfw situation would be turned into something unacceptable. The main server that I spoke with them in at this time is a child-friendly server, where we were more than clear on the fact that since there are younger individuals and people who are uncomfortable with sexual jokes here, any subject matter of that category would have to be put in certain channels. They failed to do this, and skated heavily on the fact that they were friends with many of the mods here (myself included, I admit I was too lax with them and their behavior) to evade being temporarily kicked or banned.
For personal reasons, I don't want to find images of this subject matter and will not be sending any.
Another unrelated thing that's merely personal beef at this point (so I didn't include it on my story) was their repeatedly mocking/bashing/whatever their friend group from school in my DM's. By repeatedly, I mean on a daily basis. It scaled from being critical of one friend, who they believed had bad art and calling them "ddlg" (don't know their real name) while bashing them, their interests, etc. to repeatedly sending me pictures of their ex and their art and mocking everything about this person's existence. This ranged from their relationship with gender identity to things gam.iru found wrong with their art to bragging about mistreating them during their relationship. Although some of gam.iru's problems with this person were valid, as this individual's behavior on many occasions was unacceptable (will not go into detail), I now understand that this was a form of bullying, and regret all parts that I had in it.I will say that I didn't participate in the mockery of this person's art or their appearance, but my lack of speaking up on how mean gam.iru was being did enable them and give them a platform to be hateful rather than talking out their problems like a mature person would have.
This brings me to my last thing (which kind of ties back into racism), the incident that lead to our final falling out. After a series of comments mocking Kim Seokjin, a vocalist for the kpop group BTS, on June 19, 2019, I did finally ask them to stop.
(DM in question)
After I sent my first DM, they proceeded to go invisible on Discord and leave every group chat or server that I was in.
I was frustrated, but I felt that I'd said my piece, so I went to sleep. When I woke up the next morning, I was still upset, and seeing that I knew they were awake but had still failed to say anything in response (it was 11 am at this point, so they were awake), I sent another DM, being an ultimatum. At this point I'll admit I was not trying to be nice or cordial at all. I apologize for the vulgarity.
This was the last time that I made any attempt to speak to this person. About a week later, a former mutual friend (who is also more racist, ableist, and what have you but that's a whole other can of worms that I won't be getting into right now! maybe in a few hours though once I've slept) sent this message in the mod chat of the main server that we all frequented, and I responded.
That was the end of the conversation, until October 2019. In a server that I had been in that gam.iru happened to moderate, I noticed that out of the blue I had been removed from it with no warning.
^I contacted the ex mutual friend, and this is everything to be said on that issue.
As of today, June 1, 2020, they have not apologized for any of their actions to any of the parties involved. Accordingly, I will not retract any statements made about them being grossly racist and just gross in general until all other parties involved get their according apologies. If I get wind of them saying/doing shit like this again, I'll be just as vocal on how and why they're racist and gross, and will keep doing so until all other parties get their apologies. I have no interest in ever being affiliated with this individual again, because they have single handedly been responsible for half the drama in my life since 2017 and even if they do manage to grow as a person at some point, the damage has already been done and I want nothing to do with them. They're simply a nasty person and I don't believe that given their history, seeing any performative bs during a time of crisis for the black community is appropriate on their part. Do with this information what you will, and have a nice day.
UPDATE (June 7 2020)-
This user has still failed to apologize and considers all of the aforementioned issues “petty” so yeah I’m keeping this post up.
#honk#blocklist#I'm just making a post on this so I don't have to create another one in the future#long post
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I feel that I should give an explanation as to why I am upset over Meghan and Harry stepping back, and why I’ve grown to dislike them over the past two years.
My dislike for the couple does not come from a place of racism. As a white British woman, it is to be expected that people would assume I don’t like Meghan because she is a mixed race woman, but that isn’t the case. I recognize the privilege that I have as a white woman, and for the past few years I have been making a conscious effort to unlearn my racist behaviors and be more aware of the issues that people of colour face. When their engagement was first announced, I was very excited to have a mixed race member of the Royal Family. I thought that the monarchy was taking a step in the right direction, and I appreciated that there would be better representation in the RF for British POCs. I have been disappointed (although not entirely surprised) by the racist media coverage of Meghan, such as the “straight outta Compton” headline and the awful things said about Archie’s heritage, and the Sussexes have every right to be angry with the media over those articles. In addition to her race, I also didn’t care that she is American, an actress, or that she has previously been married. Those things are unimportant and are used as petty reasons to dislike her by people who are reluctant to admit that they don’t like her because of her race.
However, there are genuine grievances I have with the couple that have been building up since before their wedding. My opinion of Meghan was first altered upon watching their engagement interview. She came off as extremely phoney and disingenuous; there was something about her that rubbed me the wrong way, and as someone who has a knack for picking up on a person’s true character, I’ve learned to trust my intuition. There were also the reports that in the lead up to the wedding, Meghan and Harry were making requests that were a little out of line, and throwing fits when things didn’t go their way (which tiara Meghan wanted to wear, the air fresheners at Windsor Castle, reducing the Duchess of Cambridge to tears over Princess Charlotte’s dress).
I, like millions of others, watched their wedding. I thought that her veil was a bit dramatic, but whatever, not that important overall. The ceremony was lovely; I especially liked that Prince Charles walked her partially down the aisle. I thought that it showed the affection between them, and displayed the RF’s desire to make Meghan feel welcome.
A few weeks after the wedding, Meghan attended her first Trooping the Colour. She wore that now-infamous off-the-shoulder pink dress, and received backlash for it. My issue with that dress is not that she bared her shoulders, as almost every royal woman has at some event, but that she did it in that context. Trooping the Colour is a very formal, daytime event, and it is inappropriate to wear a dress like that. There must have been advisers who told her that that dress was inappropriate, and yet she wore it anyway. This was the first indication of the lack of respect Meghan holds for the institution, which she has continuously displayed ever since. Other instances off the top of my head would be her not wearing a hat when she was told that the Queen would be wearing one, wearing dark nail polish, not wearing stockings, and several instances when her hemlines have been far too short. Again, my issue is not that she broke protocol; it is that she has broken protocol at almost every single public appearance, despite the fact that she has a team of advisers to guide her. Her repeated offences have shown her lack of respect towards those who have greater experience than her, and shows that she thinks she knows best when it comes to representing the monarchy.
Another issue I have is the frequent reports that she mistreats staff. There is no excuse for that, and I believe all those reports to be true because of the number of staff that the Sussexes have lost in such a short amount of time. There must be a reason that those people wanted to give up such a highly desired position, and it comes down to the fact that Harry and Meghan don’t treat them well.
I also believe that Meghan has narcissistic personality disorder. My gran has NPD, and I recognise many of the traits in Meghan. She has exhibited a grandiose sense of self, as well as her sense of entitlement, need for admiration, her obsession with designer clothes that cost more than the average Brit earns in a year, the fact that she has repeatedly surrounded herself with rich and famous friends who she subsequently drops when they are no longer useful to her, her need for validation from the press and public, and the childish tantrums that she throws behind closed doors while presenting herself as sweet and kind in public. There is also something in her expression that leads me to believe she has NPD; you get the impression from her gaze that she is putting on an act in order to garner sympathy. In the ITV documentary, I didn’t buy her crocodile tears for one second because they were so obviously put on.
Her familial background also points towards narcissistic personality disorder. Now, I don’t begrudge Meghan for cutting off her paternal family. They are obviously toxic people who have proven they can’t have a healthy relationship with her. However, I don’t doubt that their negativity has affected Meghan. Growing up with a family like that, it’s almost impossible to not develop some type of personality disorder. So while she can’t be faulted for having an awful family, they do serve has another reason to believe that she has NPD.
And then, there are all the times that she has desperately tried to gain attention. They chose to announce their pregnancy at Princess Eugenie’s wedding, which, for the majority of sane people, is an incredibly rude thing to do. Their reasoning was that the entire family was present to hear their good news, but that’s a ridiculous reason to try to steal the spotlight from the bride on her special day. Harry and Meghan were living at Kensington Palace at the time; they could have popped on over to their relative’s homes whenever to announce the pregnancy. They absolutely did not have to do it at the wedding. And all throughout her pregnancy, Meghan insisted on clutching her baby bump like she was afraid it was about to pop off. The way she constantly drew attention to her pregnancy by rubbing her stomach and making sure her coats weren’t hiding her bump seemed very contrived. Another attention-seeking moment was on the South Africa tour, when they gave that interview to complain about how difficult their lives are. They were in South Africa to bring attention to the issues and causes there, but instead they had to make it about themselves and attempt to garner pity from the public. I’m sorry, but nothing they could have said would make me feel sympathy for two people who live in a publicly-funded mansion, take publicly-funded trips around the world, have a nanny, housekeepers, and assistants to help run their household, and never have to worry about money. Yes, the British press can be brutal, but in my opinion that is the price you pay in order to enjoy the incredible privilege of being a member of the Royal Family. In a time when many Brits are struggling, it was unbelievably callous and selfish of the Sussexes to complain about how hard their incredibly privileged lives are. They are so out of touch with the real world it’s almost laughable. And, most recently, they had to make their announcement that they are stepping down the day before Catherine’s birthday. That doesn’t bother me because they took the spotlight off of Catherine, which is honestly a ridiculous claim, but because that announcement inevitably caused pain and stress to the Cambridges, and it was selfish to do that to them on her birthday. They could have waited until they got the go ahead from the Palace to make their announcement.
The Sussexes’ decision to step down bothers me for several reasons. Firstly, it’s very transparently related to the perceived unfair treatment of the press. If they are no longer senior royals, and do not take part in the royal rota, then the press would be seen as overstepping their bounds if they continue to report on Meghan and Harry. Again, as two people who enjoy incredible privilege and positions of power, it’s not unreasonable for them to also have to endure media attention, whether positive or negative. It’s evident that Meghan greatly enjoys the positive attention, and can’t stand to tolerate the negative attention (again, this points towards NPD), as evidenced by their willingness to give interviews when it is guaranteed to benefit them, but anger with press attention when the media points out their wrongdoings and hypocrisies. Secondly, they claim to want to be “financially independent”, but are still intending on receiving millions of pounds a year from Prince Charles. That’s not financial independence. They should be embarrassed to be in their late 30′s and still expecting a monthly allowance from Harry’s father if they aren’t going to be putting in the requisite work. They have a net worth of tens of millions of pounds already; how much money do you possibly need? Saying that you still need more each year is tone deaf to the financial struggles of the average Brit and incredibly out of touch with the real world. Thirdly, they have trademarked “Sussex Royal” and are clearly planning on using their “brand” to sell merchandise. That would be an embarrassment to the institution of the monarchy and is completely disrespectful towards the crown. If Meghan and Harry intend on stepping down, spending the majority of their time in North America, and not accepting public funds, but still profit off their titles, then they shouldn’t be expected to keep those titles. They clearly view them as status symbols and a source of income, not as the symbols of responsibility and duty that they are. They have every right to give up their places in the RF and raise their son in a normal environment, but if they choose to exercise that right, then it must be all or nothing. They can’t have one foot in and the other out. They can’t continue to reap the privileges of royalty without carrying the responsibilities and burdens.
Anyway, those are my thoughts. I am not a “Cambridge stan” (my url comes from the fact that the Cambridge Lover’s Knot is my favorite tiara), and my negative views on Harry and Meghan don’t stem from my positive views on the Cambridges. I think it’s pathetic to compare the two couples and pit them against each other.
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Can We Take a Joke?
Recently I have been thinking a lot about what it means for something to be offensive. A few years back, a favorite comedian of mine lost his prestigious job, working alongside a duck, as a spokesperson for a large healthcare corporation because he tweeted a joke that some people (or perhaps an entire nation of people) found offensive.
This particular comedian is notorious for joking about topics that are really touchy. I have been a fan of his comedy since the 80s, probably since before I was even old enough to be watching his shows. I have never been offended by anything he's said. The reason being that there is not an ounce of maliciousness to be found there. He doesn't come across as hateful. Just tactless. Almost to the point where it's so ridiculous, that you know he isn't serious.
Gilbert Gottfried is notorious for joking about topics that are really touchy. I have been a fan of his comedy since the 80s, probably since before I was even old enough to be watching his shows. I have never been offended by anything he's said. The reason being that there is not an ounce of maliciousness to be found there. He doesn't come across as hateful. Just tactless. Almost to the point where it's so ridiculous, that you know he isn't serious.
Gilbert Gottfried has always appealed to me because of how bravely and stubbornly he refuses to yield to social conventions, which I personally find exhausting. Growing up as a neurodivergent (I have both autism and ADHD) I would often say things that offended other people and could never seem to understand where I’d gone wrong. I felt like I was running some kind of obstacle course, in which the rules were constantly changing. I was fascinated by watching Gilbert on stage, being true to himself despite whatever heckling he might endure. It took me years of navigating around other people's feelings to figure out how I could still be me, without causing others distress. I am still working on it.
Which brings me to my first point, which is what does it actually mean to be offended? We’ve all been offended at some point, whether we like it or not. Basically it means that something another person said or did triggered an emotional reaction in us that we did not enjoy, and after some analysis (or no analysis) we came to the conclusion that the source of our emotion lay entirely outside of ourselves, rather than consider the possibility that some portion of our reaction was the result of our own trauma or emotional baggage.
So, what is it that makes people feel the need to censor other people? It comes down to control. Just so you know, we don’t have any. The sooner you embrace that, the happier you will be. The problem is that, for the most part, we tend to feel helpless unless we take some sort of action. It gives us the illusion of control. When, in fact, we cannot control what other people say or do. Not really. If you don’t believe me, have some children and you should be thoroughly convinced. At the end of the day, we can only control ourselves. And most of us can’t even do that.
That being said, censorship actually began with conservatives and evangelicals. That’s not too hard to dissect. A major component of their ideology involves monopolizing the moral high ground. They devoted a great deal of energy to protecting humanity from such dangers as homosexuality and promiscuity and women wearing pants and having jobs. Things like that. And they had that gig for a few thousand years until, sometime during the last 4 decades or so, there was a paradigm shift. The right passed the censorship torch to the liberals. Or the right accidentally dropped it while they were looking for Obama’s birth certificate. Either way, it now seems that the left is attempting to do what the right could not, which is to police the world and rid it of its ills.
Bearing in mind, of course, that I consider myself as liberal as a person can possibly be. I find that while I often share the views of other liberals about what is and isn’t offensive, I don’t always agree with them about what, if anything, we should do about it.
Which begs the question, when should a reasonably intelligent, emotionally mature person be offended? And I think it really does come down to a few factors, primarily intent and context. These things are really important. Who told the joke and why were they telling it? Who is the target of the joke? Are we laughing AT them or WITH them?
A Jew telling a joke about jews is not offensive. And if you’re not Jewish, you don’t get to have a say about it. A black man joking about what it’s like to drive around a strange neighborhood, while black, is also not offensive. Neither is a white person joking about it, frankly, so long as the point of the joke is how ridiculous it is that a black person even has to deal with that shit in the first place.
When the target of the joke is a member of a marginalized group and the purpose of the joke is to commiserate with that person, then it’s not offensive. It only has the potential to be offensive when the person telling the joke is a member of a privileged group (male, Caucasian, Christian) and the target of the joke is not. Note, I said POTENTIAL. Because sometimes jokes that fit that definition aren’t offensive. They’re just not funny. In which case, that situation usually takes care of itself.
I have found that almost all comedy can be divided into two categories: drawing attention to that which is obvious or doing the exact opposite of what people are expecting. Most stand-up comedy falls into the first category. Which is why stand up comedians talk about things like relationship woes, airplane food, having kids etc. Because poking fun at experiences that large groups of people can relate to is a practical choice when you are dealing with an audience of total strangers. Especially when those strangers are your primary source of income.
The thing about comedians is that most of them don't genuinely believe what they are saying. The audience knows this. Or at least, they should. Comedians often adopt a persona when they take the stage, which differs drastically from their real life selves. Do I think Gilbert Gottfried is happy that Japanese people lost their lives to a horrible tsunami? Not for one second. Do I think that he was amused by the events of 9-11? As a lifelong resident of Brooklyn, I seriously doubt it. I think he was doing what he's always done, what we ALL do, which is to make jokes about things that are uncomfortable, in order to alleviate the discomfort. That’s what comedians do. In fact, we RELY upon them to do it. We RELY upon humor to help us cope with tragedy and trauma.
Which I can relate to on a very deep level because I have been through some pretty horrific shit in my life and I have always been the first person to make a joke about it. There have been times in my life where I have been telling a story about something terrible I went through and the other person was clearly uncomfortable with my making a joke about it. I could tell, just by looking at them, that they wanted to be offended. They wanted to claim that moral high ground and let me know that I was being inappropriate. But they couldn’t because it’s MY LIFE AND I WILL JOKE ABOUT IT IF I WANT TO.
Getting back to how to know whether something is offensive...I was watching a documentary called Can We Take a Joke? which was specifically addressing the topic of people being offended by comedy. Within the documentary there was some footage of a young man at a college doing some (and I use this term generously) stand-up comedy in which he was disparaging women's studies as a major, after which a woman in the audience (who he called a loud mouthed cunt) ran on stage and told him to shut up.
This is a perfect example of when intent matters. How is this young man different than a comedian who is simply joking about something uncomfortable in order to alleviate discomfort? Simply put, he believes what he is saying. Not only does he dislike women’s studies, he dislikes women in general. He is drawn to the stage out of a desire to have a platform for expressing that disdain. And that came across in his act because, well, he didn’t try very hard to hide it.
Can the concept of women's studies be funny? Absolutely. There are many jokes we could make about women's studies and gender studies and other similar academic majors. I could probably do an entire 30 minute routine just on social sciences in general. But this young man wasn't drawing attention to the obvious, which is that often these majors don't lead to any specific career path. He was simply expressing disdain for women.
Is that offensive? Well, yes. Disdain can be funny, so long as it isn’t the product of bias towards an entire group of people. Disdain for having a cold, for instance. Disdain for being stuck in traffic. Disdain for women, however, isn’t worthy of laughter.
But is the appropriate response to run on stage and demand that he be quiet? No. The level of anger expressed by the woman in the audience was, shall we say, disproportionate. She seemed a little unhinged. Although, it’s possible that she already knew the young man or that they had some sort of personal history. Either way, the solution, if there even is one, is to ignore him and stop giving him attention. Is it fair to be offended by someone who seems genuinely hateful? Absolutely. But it isn’t always appropriate, productive, or even possible to take any sort of counteraction.
Not only that but I think there is no real danger that this kid will ever break into the comedy business for real. So, he will likely have to look to some MRA themed subreddit for further validation of his misogyny. Unless the next loudmouthed cunt that storms on stage kills him, of course.
When Mr. Gottfried made that unfortunate tweet about the tsunami in Japan the internet crucified him. People actually said he should die. Which, to me, is a far worse statement than any jokes the comedian has ever made. I was furious, not only with the general public, but with other show business personalities who refused to speak up on Mr. Gottfried’s behalf. In hindsight, I realize that they were probably terrified that they would be next on the chopping block. Which says a lot about us as a society, I think.
But I don’t think the problem is that people are too easily offended. The problem is that too many people lack critical thinking skills. We need to be willing to ask ourselves whether something is genuinely offensive, or if the topic of it simply evokes negative feelings for us because of our own individual experiences. We need to be willing to step away and resist the urge to take everyone else with us. We also need to accept that sometimes there are genuinely hateful assholes in the world and that silencing them is not always an option.
If something genuinely is offensive, what should you do about it? 99% of the time, the correct answer is nothing. Now, I'm not talking about hate speech. I'm not talking about propaganda. I'm talking about some comedian, shock jock, TV personality making a joke that you found offensive. You can certainly blog about it, if it makes you feel better. But after that you should avoid that person, their material, their show etc. Because, clearly it is not the right entertainment for you.
I feel that way about King of the Hill and Family Guy. But since I am capable of acknowledging that those things are amusing to other people, I am able to refrain from launching a campaign against their creators under the guise of making the world a better place for everyone.
TL;DR Gilbert Gottfried is a national treasure and should be protected, like the Grand Canyon. AFLAC knew exactly what they were getting when they hired him and merely fired him due to the pressures put in place by late stage capitalism, which dictate that anyone working for a profit seeking entity is at the mercy of public opinion. Shine on, you crazy diamond.
#gilbert gottfried#aflac#aflac fired gilbert gottfried when they realized they'd hired gilbert gottfried#stand up comedy#people who are offended#what does it mean to be offended#offensive comedy#the difference between comedy and hate speech#free speech#leave gilbert alone and let him enjoy his life#op#juliabohemian rant#juliabohemianrant
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I felt owned by an employer once. He was sexist and baited me into working for him only to turn the tables and gaslight me. And to be honest I’ve never pin pointed the feeling that has sat in my gut about him until recently; until watching my idol go through the same thing on a large scale in front of the world, until what has happened, what has been happening to Taylor Swift in her industry.
Mine was a veterinary surgeon whom I worked with in the past. I left the veterinary field and started a new career. The Vet (we will call him) moved away and when he came back he contacted me with a new idea to start his own practice.
He painted me a beautiful picture of what this clinic would be like. He said he couldn’t do it without me and promised me the world. I still remember the phone call where he said the words- “you will be my practice manager, my right hand, you could run the show and have a handsome career, I’ll make sure you are set for life, you will have an opportunity to buy into the company as well, to profit share.
He offered to pay me whatever my current job paid me. I didn’t jump at saying yes. I worked so hard to be where I was and this was a big risk. My now husband was hesitant and didn’t trust him 🚩 but supportive of whatever I chose (love him). Well, im the only one of me so a month later I took the jump and put in my notice. I trusted him.
I was hired on with one other person. A male, roughly my same age, overall a nice dude. We will call him Sam. I was in charge of all operations of the front desk and all aspects of the business side of things. I started every excel sheet for income tracking, taxes, inventory. I created every document, I created the scheduling program, I set up every vendor accounts. I scanned every piece of paper that came into the clinic doors, I set up our benefits. I answered phones I handled every single client. I visited clinics and preached to people our vision, so they would refer to us (we were a referral based clinic) on my days off. I did it ALL. I also scrubbed into surgery with the Vet and Sam, as there were only 3 of us running the entire show. If the phone rang, I would answer on a headset under my face mask and handle a client or clinic call right there, scrubbed in. I didn’t mind, I felt proud to show off my multitasking skills. He would give a little wink and a joke and the validation felt nice, like I earned his approval 🚩 when I did something above and beyond.
About a year went by and I was rolling in hard earned money, that’s for sure. I was working 7 am to 10 pm some days so I always had overtime. Sam was responsible for 1 thing- patient care, and I was responsible for LITERALLY everything else you could possibly think of. 🚩Needless to say I was getting worked to the BONE 🚩 . I was cool with it tho, this is what I signed up for right? We were growing and successful and getting BUSY!
One day I accidentally found out the pay gap 🚩between myself and Sam. I had been completely naive to the fact that we were not equals, nor was I getting paid “management” but that he made SUBSTANTIALLY more than me. I gave it some energy for a couple days and vented to my husband, then I let it go. Sam was nice, it’s not his fault. 🚩Maybe he’s just worth more than I am to the company, I told myself. 🚩Maybe he has a past history I didn’t know about that made him more valuable. It definitely should have been my red flag 🚩
My relationship with the Vet was kind of like a daughter and father but 🚩 only on his terms. Fun and playful and lots of “your our boss lady!”. It would also take very odd turns, 🚩 having to do small tasks outside my morals. In the office he would call me “the office manager, the boss, it’s all up to you, hospital administrator!” yet on the phone would call me 🚩 “the front desk person” 🚩“my receptionist” to other veterinarians. It bothered me, a lot, but I pushed it away. 🚩Who am I to be that nit picky over a title? 🚩He probably didn’t mean it or misspoke, I thought.
The tricky part is that I only have little under the radar examples of his abuse. 🚩 The ones you can’t QUITE put your finger on, that you can’t QUITE justify quitting on the spot but make you feel 🚩 worthless. They continued every day. He was incredibly sweet and funny, and then 🚩condescending and cruel. It was a roller coaster to try to please him constantly. It wore on me. I came to work and to deal with it I would make lists on scratch paper. Lists of why I was starting to hate my job. Lists that I would read in the car and cry. If I wasn’t cheerful he’d come in with 🚩“PMSING TODAY?” .... I’d laugh n bite my tongue. 🚩 That’s just being friendly playful right, he knows me well enough to say that to me, we’re like family, right? But every day I felt awful. And I needed my job now, more than ever. 🚩 He knew I needed this job, too. We had just put an offer on a house and surprise! we’re now expecting a baby.
Being pregnant changed things. I couldn’t assist in surgery and xrays like I used to. 🚩He would scoff when I would have to leave for prenatal appointments. 🚩 He would be caring and kind one minute, giving me hand me down baby clothes and gifts, and then cold and dry the next. 🚩Sam could and often would sleep in and no call/no show. He would roll in at noon and jump into surgery, acting like nothing happened, they’d joke together about women in front of me and being hung over. I was 5 min late once because of a traffic jam and had to have a “sit down meeting” about attendance. 🚩 I felt so ASHAMED and EMBARRASSED. 🚩 I had never once, NOT EVER, had work problems, attendance problems, behavioral problems, in my entire history of working. This job was my LIFE. 🚩 Was something seriously wrong with me???
The last straw came when I was 6 months pregnant. He claimed that everyone was having a private “check in meeting”. He told me at mine that 🚩him and Sam talked 🚩 and agreed that I’m not the happy bubbly girl I used to be. I sat with him in the shade of a big oak tree in the grass that has since fallen in a wind storm (ironically. He said I would be getting a $1 raise and that he wanted me to take on MORE responsibility since I could no longer assist in surgery and listed basically anything he could possibly think of to tack on to my job to make up for that $1. 🚩 all I could think was... how???? I was already drowning. I finally got courage this time and said NO. My lip quivered and tears ran down my face with 🚩 stress. I brought up valid arguments but looking back I wish my voice wasnt so timid. Or that I had the courage to call out just one, ONE instance of his inappropriate behavior. But lastly, 🚩 I asked why is my title “FRONT DESK PERSON” when Sam is now “Lead Surgery Operations Director (Who Does No Wrong)??
His response sticks with me to this day. It was painful and degrading and I will never forget it. After working my ass off and building this place from the bottom, the long nights and everything I gave them... I also will never forget his 🚩 smirk . “Well you see, giving you a title like that would be like rewarding a BAD DOG with a BONE” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
🚩I was devastated. 🚩And confused. 🚩I’m a BAD DOG???
I stuck it out for the remainder of my pregnancy, working the 12 hour days up until I went into labor at work. I trained a new girl on every process, excel spread, schedule I had developed and created. I put on a fake smile and wrote my scratch lists and re-read my lists on the way home and cried. I couldn’t just quit. I couldn’t let my family down.
We had our baby and stared at his tiny toes and fingers and cried every single day that I may have to go back to my hell job. I interviewed for different clinics while on leave. I was desperate. The vet was on a sweet streak- 🚩 sending us gifts, having his wife cook us meals and checking in on us all the time. He frequently asked what date I was coming back. He informed me that when I came back I would need to take the later shift and give the new girl my current shift. 🚩She needed it, he said. He said we could discuss the title of “lead receptionist” now and could 🚩 continue to work towards my goal of hospital manager. 🚩 I accepted but I felt sick. 🚩 I felt like I had to go back to work for someone who I couldn’t trust. I felt like he owned me in the worst possible way. (At one time he even tried to tell me I had half of the PTO that I actually had saved up for maternity leave, another 🚩🚩🚩 but I saved my paystubs as PROOF)
Today I work for the clinic that we shared the building with. When they heard I left they immediately offered me a position. The Vet left to purchase his own facility. He acted shocked and surprised and in disbelief that I wasn’t returning. At first it was tough, not gonna lie. We literally ate noodles for a year because I went down to part time. But the bravest thing I ever did was RUN ♥️ I now LOVE my job and they treat their employees wonderfully and equally and have real life morals.
I actually didn’t intend for this to be a novel LOL but even if not a single soul reads this, it’s therapeutic for me to actually get my thoughts down after almost 6 years now. My advice is to ALWAYS trust your gut. TRUST THE 🚩 RED 🚩 FLAGS. Don’t let anyone make you question your character. Never EVER ACCEPT being controlled and manipulated against your morals. Choose the future over time spent in the past (thanks T @taylorswift) and work somewhere that respects you. That pays you FAIRLY. Don’t be afraid to TELL your story too because this has to STOP (I’ve almost deleted this whole thing 13x) If it happened to me I can’t imagine how many other women it happens to. Anyway if you read this then holy shit here’s a hug and CHIN UP YOU ARE WORTHY, YOU ARE NOT A BAD DOG. ♥️
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Solicitation of Minors, Part 2 (Charlie)
The second accuser to come forward with accusations against Jared Knabenbauer is a user that goes by the Twitter name “Charlie.” Charlie was introduced by Chai initially, and the two of them are friends. According to Chai, he learned about Charlie’s dealings with Jared while building his own case, and then the two of them spent over a year building a case before presenting it to NormalBoots and several other influencers on the YouTube/Twitch scene.
Now, Charlie’s case is a bit of a mixed bag. On one hand, Charlie has actual chat logs between them and Jared, so there’s a strong indication that the two of them actually did have sexual conversations and trade pictures. On the other hand?
Charlie admits Jared never knew their age.
So, already, we have an issue. As I mentioned in part one of the Solicitation of Minors posts, the accused has to knowingly solicit or be in possession of nudes of minors. Charlie entered a blog that outright stated it was for 18+, never stated their age, and then proceeded to commit a crime by sending pictures to Jared. Charlie even states openly at one point that the entire reason they didn’t tell Jared their age was because they feared Jared wouldn’t want to interact with a minor:
There’s a good reason why Charlie would think Jared wouldn’t interact with a minor. Every single one of Jared’s blogs was full of warnings that only 18+ (and in some cases, 24+) were permitted, and numerous sources have claimed to see him check for ages, including people that were publicly against him and just trying to prove he kept the blog going:
Maybe Charlie slipped through the cracks. Maybe they’re the one that Jared somehow forgot to ask. That still doesn’t change the fact that they not only entered an adults-only blog and failed to reveal their age, they admit they did so because they feared Jared wouldn’t knowingly interact with a minor.
Charlie posted chatlogs between themself and Jared, and at this time I would like to briefly explain a concept called “Poisoning the Well.”
Wikipedia summarizes the definition of Poisoning the Well a type of informal logical fallacy where irrelevant adverse information about a target is preemptively presented to an audience, with the intention of discrediting or ridiculing something that the target person is about to say.
What Charlie engaged in when they presented their logs was a variation of this logical fallacy. First, let’s take a look at some of the chatlogs by themselves, and remember, Jared didn’t know Charlie was a minor, so objectively, this is a conversation between two presumed adults. Also, be warned that the following logs contain explicit language of a sexual nature. That should be a given, but I still want to warn people.
Now, I’ve never been the type to engage in sexting but once or twice, but at face value there’s absolutely nothing in these messages to indicate age, coercion, or any inappropriate behavior. To me, these just look like two people flirting and sexting, consensually, with no force or reluctance. But what happens when we add in Charlie’s subtext? You see, they didn’t just post these logs because the logs themselves aren’t incriminating. They don’t show any manipulation or unwilling behavior, so Charlie had to make sure people reading these logs had a “poisoned mind” before going into them, and we get what’s seen below. Note that in order to cross-reference the full post Charlie is commenting on, you may need to refer back to the logs in their entirety that I posted above.
Charlie tells us that telling a fan they’re cute is “skeevy” and that it implies impropriety. I don’t feel like this is an interpretation anyone would really come to on their own. Furthermore, Charlie makes sure to point out that they were “spurred” on by the attention, implying they didn’t want to continue. These are words geared towards making the reader feel a certain way before even reading the logs.
“Masturbating to someone you know without their knowledge is kind of weird, even if your relationship is sexual.” - I never knew this. Apparently, those past times where I masturbated while thinking of my sexual partners was weird because I didn’t call them first to let them know? And again, this post ends with Charlie frontloading how you’re supposed to interpret Jared’s wording, rather than letting the reader come to conclusions on their own.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard an adult refer to themselves or another adult as a “baby” because they were too timid to do something, I could retire. Here, Charlie is telling the reader that it “clearly” expresses that they’re “young, inexperienced, or vulnerable.” Again, I would like to remind you that Charlie was the one that brought up the orgy in the first place.
Again, Charlie is urging us to interpret their language as “childish” because their entire narrative relies on somehow being able to discern age, since Charlie intentionally hid their age.
I don’t even know what I’m supposed to do with this. Complementing in all caps is meant to trigger a strong reaction? This is the first time I’ve ever heard that logic. I always thought it was meant for emphasis, like shouting out of excitement or anger.
This one really got under my skin a bit, for a few reasons.
This wasn’t a random “send nudes at 3:00am” request, it was in direct response to Charlie saying “aw shit well now I’m horny.” Charlie tells Jared they’re horny, Jared says send nudes, and Charlie calls that a random solicitation?
“I say no.” No, Charlie didn’t say “no.” What Charlie said was “I would, but I’m curled up in a blanket rewatching your Until Dawn playthrough.” This doesn’t equate to “no,” it equates to “I want to, but I’m comfortable.” Also, when Jared says “pause that shit and fap!” Charlie’s response isn’t “I don’t want to,” but rather a sexually suggestive comment about having to go get a vibrator, to which Jared replies “Then you’re stuck being horny.”
Between posting these logs, Charlie still found time to take some attempted witty jabs at Jared’s expense, for no other reason than to ridicule him and make the reader biased against him:
Subtly making fun of Jared’s penis...
Making fun of Jared’s erotic writing skills...
There’s not much else to it, really. Charlie intentionally hid their age from Jared because they saw, based on the warnings in his blog and Jared’s routine blocking/dismissal of minors that it was unlikely that Jared would want anything to do with a minor. They were deceptive then, and now, when they post their side of the story, they lace every single log with “poisoned well” mentality, frontloading each chat message with bizarre logic and strange interpretations in order to force bias upon the reader. When taken in their proper context, it’s plainly obvious that Jared had no reason to believe he was talking to a minor, and that Charlie was not only happily complicit in the mutual exchange of sexting and nudes, but many of the instances were initiated by Charlie.
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