#and both shares and listens equally and talks to me and understands my boundaries and just be all around an amazing person
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Must've been the Wind | Spencer Reid x fem!Reader
based on Alec Benjamin's original song 《Must've been the Wind》
Synopsis: You. Spencer. A strange noise and Spencer's inquisitive nature will lead both to the obligation to cross the boundaries that fear and shyness have forced you to draw.
Word Count: 1k.
TW: Read this please! We're gonna explore some sensitive topics.
〔Part 1〕〔Part 2〕
The days passed quickly after that, especially since the case had been tough. When he returned after those days of work, it was another stormy, windy, and icy day in Virginia.
He had decided to occupy his time by doing what he had been procrastinating for a while: organizing his library and, well, the entire apartment.
It was in the midst of the bustling cleaning work when he heard shouts from your apartment. At first, he tried to ignore it. It could be anything, right? Plus, you didn't seem to have been very comfortable with him the last time you talked, for some strange reason. It wasn't until he heard a too loud thud coming from the same place that he decided to set aside the bleach bottle and rubber gloves to leave the apartment and go upstairs with a knot of worry in his stomach.
He knew he shouldn't be interested in other people's affairs, but the problem is that there were certain things he couldn't ignore, and those were the signs. The crying, the arguing, and your clear and evasive response were signs that something was wrong.
When he climbed the stairs and went to knock on the door, almost as if by a vision, you opened it. Just enough for there to be space to see you. Your eyes were teary again, and your lips swollen. Your slightly reddened nose accusingly shone; you had been crying.
"Hey, I know I might sound pushy, but I heard loud noises again, and I just wanted to know if you're okay," he said.
You nervously bit your lips, and Spencer saw your eyes filling with tears that you refused to shed.
"Yeah, I know, but listen," you pointed to the ceiling, "it's raining heavily again, maybe...” You paused, nervously swaying and clutching your vest tightly around your body, as if protecting yourself from something. “…maybe there's a leak in the attic of the building and the wind is blowing through there. I'll talk to Larry, and he'll send a technician to check it out."
The sleeve of your vest slid down, revealing your reddened wrist.
Spencer frowned with concern. "Hey, are you okay?" he asked alarmed.
You quickly lowered your eyes to your wrist and covered it up. You disguised your distress with a smile and denied, pretending to be unconcerned. "Yeah, it's just a bruise I got while working out at this gym I'm going to. Someone is clumsy lifting weights," you laughed, "it's nothing," you reassured him, "it'll heal."
Spencer didn't believe a word you said.
"Okay," he finally nodded, "I'm sorry to be a broken record, but when I said you could call me for anything you need, I meant it."
You smiled without showing your teeth and then looked over your shoulder. "I know, thank you," you looked back at him, "Now I have to go back inside, but thanks again for caring. I guess it's part of the job."
It wasn't just that, but it was part of who he was. But he chose to nod and bid you farewell. He returned to his apartment equally or more worried and uneasy.
He decided to find a way to show you that you could trust him. A creative way that only you would understand.
"I think my neighbor is suffering PTSD and is being abused," he announced one day at work while sharing coffee with his friends from the BAU.
J.J stopped just before taking a sip from her cup and looked at him for a few seconds, trying to understand Spencer's concern.
"Have you tried offering her help?" Spencer nodded. "And what did she say?"
He pressed his lips into a thin line and then clicked his tongue. "She doesn't trust me. I've heard her cry, and I've seen bruises on her arms when I go to make sure she's okay..."
"Wait, son, have you gone to her apartment to see if she's okay?" Spencer nodded slowly before seeing Derek curl his lips into a wolfish smile. "Charmy."
Spencer frowned and turned to Emily and J.J.
"What do you think?"
Emily, taking Spencer's dilemma seriously, took a sip of her coffee and adopted a seriousness befitting an agent with her reputation.
"It's okay; you've tried the direct method, and clearly it's not working. She's scared and probably very ashamed if someone is really abusing her. Does she have a boyfriend?"
"Ex-boyfriend," Spencer clarified. "My neighbor, Mrs. Phillips, says he sometimes comes to visit."
J.J pursed her lips as if she genuinely regretted what she heard.
"The cycle of violence."
"If he's her ex, it's a step; a woman leaving her abuser is a very vulnerable person, and if you say he comes back occasionally, we're talking about a charismatic and very manipulative person," Derek raised his eyebrow and chuckled half-heartedly.
"Maybe you could try something more subtle; smile at her and ask her how she's doing," Emily added. "Actions speak louder than words; if you've already gone to check on her, you're already proving that she can trust you."
"I'd tell you to send her a letter; but you might confuse her if she's vulnerable," Rossi intervened for the first time. "And I guess you don't want to hit on her yet..."
"I-I n-never. Uh-I don't want that, I-I'm just worried,"
"Sure," Emily murmured just as she drank coffee.
"Of course," J.J spoke. "Use what you know to gain her trust; remember that sometimes even the details help us feel safe with someone."
Sensory Stimulation, he had thought; something she would hear and relate to calmness and safety.
So he decided to go to the record store and went straight to the counter.
Randall, the guy behind the counter, looked at him through his thick red-framed glasses with a tired expression and sighed.
"For the tenth time this month; no, your order hasn't arrived yet," he said impatiently. "Stop being a cliché for your own nerd class and put your compulsive obsession and your weird fetish for Beethoven somewhere deep in your mind where I can't see it anymore," he requested.
"That song that goes 'When you're in trouble or somethinglikethat, I'll be your friend.... etcetera, etcetera, I'll help you carry on.'"
He frowned. "You mean Bill Withers?"
Spencer frowned.
"I don't know who that is, does he sing that song?"
The man in front of him looked almost offended.
"You say it as if we were talking about the composers of Sesame Street."
Spencer pursed his thoughtful lips.
"Is that an indie band?"
The man grunted, staring at him as if he couldn't believe what was in front of him.
"Look Spencer, I've learned to put up with you because you're a customer, and because no matter how much I could kick you out of here, you being an agent is still intimidating, but I have much better things to do than stand here listening to you terribly offend all of pop culture history..."
"Randall."
"...And good musicians and bad musicians, and damn it, even me. We're not friends, but I've been serving you for years, I thought there was a buyer-provider relationship here"
Spencer pointed at him.
"You call me a nerd at every opportunity. That's not respect, Randall, it's condescension. Now, what about the song?"
"Well, but you have to tell me why you suddenly have an interest in musicians who have been dead for less than a century."
"With all due respect, but it's not your business," Spencer replied softly to avoid sounding rude.
"You came to my store for advice; it's completely my business."
Spencer grunted.
"I came to your store for a record, not for advice."
"Do you know what record you're looking for?"
"No," he gritted his teeth.
The man smiled, clasping his hands on his counter.
"Then you're looking for advice. Now tell me why you're looking for the record of a musician you don't really know."
Spencer looked at him for a few seconds. He could easily leave and go to another store. But first, he already knew Randall well enough, and he didn't have the personality to go to another store and hum a song he barely knew without feeling embarrassed. Plus, one of the reasons he chose that store was that Randall could be sometimes rude and unpleasant, but he didn't play those horrible top 40 songs or allow dirt in the store, nor was he a scammer like in other places.
"There's a girl..." he began to explain and heard Randall's amused laughter.
"You're not going to impress her with that Bill song."
"See, this is more important than impressing her..."
He shrugged.
"You definitely want to impress her, you're not gay," he wrinkled his nose, "trust me," he laughed, "I would know."
Spencer rolled his eyes, losing his temper.
"Can you give me the damn name of the record?" he muttered under his breath, "Normally our conversations don't go beyond two or three sentences, and I'm already getting angry."
Randall gave him a huge smile.
"It's just that you've just started to seem interesting to me."
Spencer grunted again, and he sighed. "Bill Withers, the album Still Bill," he finally said before Spencer went in search of the record.
When he returned home, he turned on the record player and made sure the music was loud enough for her to hear it.
He played the same record daily whenever he was in the apartment.
He didn't hear from you until two weeks later. When he crossed paths with you at the entrance of the building. You were digging around the rose bushes so that the water could reach the roots more easily, and he was coming from another tiring case involving teenagers and a rather elusive serial killer. You surely noticed the exhaustion on his face when you greeted him, and he could barely return the greeting.
When he entered the apartment, he sank into his sofa and contemplated the idea of sleeping pills, but instead, he opened the first book that was at hand and started reading it. He was in the middle of his reading when timid knocks sounded on his door. Somewhat surprised, he walked to the door and opened it to find your face on the other side. You were wearing a long earth-colored wool dress and military boots with a thick heel. In both hands, you held a tray with steaming cookies, the same ones you had given him on your first day in the building.
He looked up from the cookies to you with a curious look. You looked at him, and then into the apartment, seeming to be attentive to the music coming from the record player.
"You..." you cleared your throat nervously, "...I saw you were feeling a bit down, and I..." you handed him the tray with cookies, and when Spencer held it in his hands, you nervously scratched your neck, "I made cookies and thought maybe they could cheer you up," you shrugged.
"This is very nice, thank you. I like your cookies," he admitted, and you smiled at him shyly.
"I'm glad, I really don't know if you're really a person who likes sweet things, I hope you enjoy them," you paused for a few seconds and nodded, "I hope you feel better, I won't interrupt you anymore."
"Hey, can I make some coffee? Do you want to come in?" he offered.
You nervously toyed with your hands and shook your head. "I shouldn't."
Spencer then smiled kindly. "No problem, really, I wasn't doing anything productive. I was too distracted to pay attention to anything."
You finally relented somewhat insecurely. "Okay, but just for a moment, actually," you paused after putting one foot inside the apartment, "I also came to thank you for your concern, I know... you're good and honest, and those are things we take for granted but are unusual."
Spencer decided to take the compliment with humility and nodded with a small smile. "It's just the least I can do, come on in," he invited you to the kitchen, where he left the tray on one of the countertops and began to set up the Italian coffee maker on the stove.
You looked around somewhat uncomfortably; it must have been strange for you to enter his apartment, after all, you had spoken little to nothing; you really didn't know each other. And for that same reason, it had also been very strange for him to invite you.
"That's... very good music," you nodded approvingly as you listened to the song, "You play it quite often, I always hear it from my apartment."
He half-smiled, satisfied that his plan had worked. At least, you had noticed.
"I'm more of a classical music fan, but I think Bill Withers is a good singer-songwriter, plus the song Lean On Me..." he shrugged, acting naturally as he listened to the water boiling inside the pot.
You nodded in understanding. "It's really good. Music is a good stimulus; I work in the oncology wing of the hospital, usually with children," you commented, leaning against the entrance to the kitchen, "When they're undergoing treatment, I usually play music for them, and they respond better to treatments in a positive environment."
"Music creates peaks of emotions that increase dopamine," he explained, "So if you play happy music, the brain processes that emotion even when they're only at a subconscious level," he added.
You nodded with a half-smile, letting Spencer give that explanation even when you already knew it.
"And dopamine helps control pleasure in the brain," you commented, then furrowed your brow, "What do you really do in the FBI?"
He watched you for a moment before starting to fill two cups with the steaming and fragrant coffee.
"If I talk about my job, will I make you uncomfortable? I noticed something happened when Mrs. Phillips mentioned it."
You seemed troubled, and you put a strand of your hair behind your ear.
"No, it's just that people with guns unsettle me more than give me a sense of security," you tried to explain, "No matter if you're one of the good guys or the bad guys, a man with a gun is a man with a gun."
He furrowed his brow. "Well, it's true, that's why to do my job, there are strict psychological tests," he explained, "Besides, I've only used my gun when strictly necessary."
You looked somewhat distressed at the idea.
"I've seen men in uniform carrying guns who don't deserve them, that's all," you replied simply.
"I have a friend; she works at the FBI as our tech. She would understand what you're feeling," Spencer nodded. "I've never been fond of guns, but there were a couple of times I had to use them, and that meant a lot of pain for her."
You furrowed your brow, accepting the coffee cup Spencer offered.
"Why did she have to use them? She was a tech."
Spencer smiled, pleased that you were paying attention.
"Well, you see, we work for a department of the FBI called the BAU, Behavioral Analysis Unit, we profile difficult-to-find or dangerous criminals and their victims to find them."
You raised your eyebrows in surprise. "Wow, wait, you're basically detectives, that's... super dangerous but intriguing."
Spencer invited you to sit on the couch, and to his surprise, you settled in to listen. You placed the cookie tray on the coffee table and took one out.
"Something like that, and Penelope, that friend I mentioned, is really sensitive, if you saw her, you wouldn't understand how she worked in the midst of so many crimes. One day I was shot when we were out of town, and the local police were very corrupt, and we had found out. That's when a nurse tried to administer me carbenicillin, and I'm allergic," he explained.
You put your hand on your chest with empathy.
"Oh no. Poor thing, I really wouldn't know what to do with a gun in my hand."
"With the mitigating circumstances, I'm sure you would know what to do," he said.
You nodded, seeming to reflect on it. You drank the rest of your coffee in silence and looked at him attentively. You were so pretty, Spencer thought. And it gave him immense sadness and anger to know that someone was making you suffer.
He saw a lock of your hair fall onto your forehead, and he reached out to tuck it behind your ear without really thinking about it. Before his fingers touched your hair, you jumped in surprise, looking at him in fear, covering yourself with your forearms.
Spencer stood still, and you immediately looked remorseful for overreacting in that way. You left the coffee cup on the table and stood up, rubbing your hands on your skirt nervously. Spencer got up in the same way, calling your name softly.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done anything."
"It's not your fault, it's mine, I... I think I should go home now, thanks for the coffee, and you can return the tray whenever you want, no rush," you babbled, avoiding eye contact and starting to walk towards the door.
Spencer approached you with his hands raised so you wouldn't feel threatened. With sadness in your eyes, you stopped with your hand on the doorknob without making eye contact.
"Wait, wait," he asked softly, "I'm sorry if I crossed a line, I usually don't," he explained, "I'll put my hands on your shoulders," he warned, and then slowly placed his hands in that spot, feeling you tremble under his palms, "I know something is wrong," he said, eliciting a whimper of sadness from you, "but I know you won't talk about it with me, you don't know me," he shrugged, "So for now, it will be the wind that makes the noise," he nodded, "until you decide to trust me enough for it to stop being like that, okay?"
With teary eyes, you silently nodded. For a moment, it seemed like you wanted to hug him, but instead, you hugged yourself with a sad smile.
"Thank you, Spencer."
"I know we're not friends, but you can lean on me if you need to, okay? If you want to talk or just exist, you can do it here with me."
You nodded silently and slowly walked away from him, but you didn't seem scared anymore, and that was enough for Spencer to see you leave calmly.
That afternoon he played Bill's record again.
After that brief but hopeful encounter, Spencer didn't hear any noises again, no crying or slamming doors. Not until two weeks later. It was on a gray afternoon, while Spencer was enjoying a hot chocolate and a good read, that he felt that procession of infernal noise again. He heard a murmured argument, like being underwater, a slam of doors, and the crying. Spencer wanted to run there, he wanted to go where you were and cradle you, save you. Whatever you needed. He was truly willing to give it. But he couldn't push you: if something was happening, you had to be the one to open up and seek help. Spencer had seen too many similar cases to know that you were the one who needed to want to get out of this situation; otherwise, if he forced you, it would only be a matter of time before you fell back into that cyclical pattern again.
After a couple of minutes trying to calm his concern, Spencer felt soft knuckles tapping on his door. He got up somewhat puzzled; he rarely expected visitors, and when he opened the door, there you were.
You had a red nose, a giant sweater wrapped around you, and those leggings you seemed to always wear when you were at home. As soon as your slightly swollen eyes met his, you nervously rubbed your nose.
"Hey,"
Spencer frowned. This time you weren't trying to hide that you'd been crying, yet he didn't know what to say.
"Hey...a-are you...? Are you okay?"
You put your hands on your hips, trying to compose yourself, and then nodded. You let out a nervous laugh.
"It's the wind again; I don't think I can stand another second in the apartment. Y-you...was your invitation serious?" you asked shyly.
That broke Spencer's heart: you still didn't want to talk about it, but at least this was progress. Spencer opened the door fully and invited you in.
"Do you want some hot chocolate?" he asked when he saw you standing in the middle of the living room looking like a lost puppy.
That seemed to cheer you up, and you nodded with a smile.
"Yeah, please."
"Do you want to watch a movie?" he asked from the kitchen while you timidly approached Spencer's bookshelf to browse.
"That's fine; I brought my iPad because I'm studying a new case of Gestational Trophoblastic Neoplasia that has come to the hospital and we'll start treating it this Monday."
"Ouch; that sounds complex," Spencer walked over to you with a steaming cup of hot chocolate. You thanked him with a smile.
"It is, but it's in the early stages, which gives a lot of hope," you murmured, looking around until you noticed the small sofa by the window. "Do you mind if I sit there? I promise not to be a bother."
Spencer wrinkled his nose.
"You're not a bother; sit wherever you want."
In silence and somewhat nervously, you approached the couch and nestled among the cushions, unlocking your iPad while sipping your chocolate and putting on some reading glasses that somehow made you look innocent and fragile.
Spencer watched your nose hold the curve of your glasses as you paid absolute attention to your reading. He observed your body language: your shoulders were slightly slumped, your legs folded relaxedly; you trusted him. You knew you weren't in danger. And you were so pretty; you were always pretty; in your dresses, in your sportswear, in your uniform, and in your leggings. You were pretty even with the red nose and dry tears on your skin, although he hated seeing you like this.
His name on your lips snapped him out of his fascination.
"Uh, yeah?" he asked.
"Can you play the song?"
He didn't have to ask which one; Spencer already knew.
As suddenly as he knew, like a slap in the face, he liked you, a lot.
***
"Hey."
"Hey," you smiled at Spencer as both of you retrieved mail from your mailboxes in a comfortable silence. Both of you smiled, and there was a slight tension as if you had something to say but neither of you dared to speak yet.
"Hey," you finally turned to him, leaning against the wall to look at him. "I don't have to work today, but it's Ollie's last day at the hospital; the rest of the nurses and I wanted to throw him a farewell party with the other kids. Do you want to come help me with the decorations?"
Spencer smiled back at you; you had rosy cheeks, and it seemed like it had cost you a lot to ask for his help even though after months of starting to spend a little more time together. That day when you came crying to his apartment wasn't the only time; after that, it happened a couple more times, but you had never really talked about it. It was happening less and less, and Spencer had mixed feelings about it. He knew you were getting better, and apparently, your ex-boyfriend no longer visited you, and you didn't give him the opportunity to hurt you. But he also missed your presence in the apartment; your crocs hanging off the tip of your foot unconsciously while keeping your eyes on your iPad screen. Spencer had noticed that when you entered his apartment, it was filled with a soft scent of green apples that lingered for a long time even after you left. You brought cookies, and sometimes you talked about your jobs. Spencer had seen a more relaxed disposition in you when you talked about violence at the FBI and the cases that sometimes affected Spencer. He had built a friendship with the tormented girl from the upstairs apartment.
"Ollie is leaving the hospital already? Wow," Spencer smiled enthusiastically; he didn't know the little boy, but you had told him about him.
You had talked a lot about him.
He decided to accompany you that afternoon and get to know you a little more; you weren't just the neighbor in dresses who seemed to work with kids, love plants, and puppies. Spencer noticed other peculiarities; you were shy around adults and totally extroverted with kids. You really liked cake; you had eaten three servings and seemed to share the same love for sweets as Spencer. Suddenly, intrusive thoughts started attacking Spencer. What would happen when you found out the truth about him? That he was a former addict and had been briefly in jail for a crime he didn't commit but where he was forced to do things he never would have imagined to survive? He couldn't imagine you running away from the scene after telling you; it was too painful.
You had also discovered things about Spencer. And much of what you were discovering terrified you. Because that meant he wasn't like anyone you had ever met before; you couldn't anticipate any of his moves. You are always surprised by his warm conversation and social awkwardness. With his sense of morality and justice. You trusted him, which would be great, but the problem is that you didn't even trust yourself.
The last time you had trusted your judgment to judge someone, you had suffered too much.
But you couldn't walk away, especially when Spencer showed strength for you and on evenings like this: vulnerability.
Something had happened to him on the way from the hospital to the apartments. He was quiet, and although he tried to make conversation, he couldn't help but have moments of silence where he looked too introspective with a slightly worried frown. When you said goodbye to him before going up to the next floor where you lived, you asked him once more if something had happened. He only replied that he was tired. You weren't going to pressure him; he didn't do it to you.
So when you entered your lonely apartment, you turned on the kettle and opened the window of your living room wide, which was right above Spencer's, and felt the warm breeze of an impending rain. You leaned just a little to see him opening his window. You leaned out just a bit to see him looking out onto the street just like you, and you began tapping rhythmically on the wood of the window.
"Lean on me," you started singing. "When you're not strong. And I'll be your friend I'll help you carry on. For it won't be long, till I’m gonna need …"
"Somebody to lean on," Spencer's whisper was barely audible, making you smile sadly.
"I know it's not the fancy vinyl you always play but...I don't have one, and my phone died," you heard his chuckle, and then a realization hit you like a punch in the face.
You realized that you couldn't expect Spencer to trust you without taking a leap of faith yourself.
Spencer heard a small murmur and saw the tip of your shoes hanging just above his window. Worried, he leaned out to see you sitting on the frame of your window, just getting comfortable with a cup of tea in your hands, looking at the sky. He remained expectant, not knowing what to do: it was a somewhat strange situation, but you didn't seem to want to jump anytime soon.
They stayed like that for a while.
And then you decided to break the silence.
"I had-have," you clarified. "An ex-boyfriend. He was my first boyfriend; the guy I moved out of my parents' house with, you know? He was a big deal," you added, pausing for a moment. "He's a cop. And you know? It's funny, cops swear they'll protect the nation, and my ex did. And I was so proud of him," you remembered, feeling the first tear fall down your cheek. "He isolated me; he told me how suffocating my family was, how narcissistic my best friend was. He even went as far as to make me change my gynecologist to one of his choosing."
Spencer was speechless; he knew how that story went. He had heard it so many times with different protagonists, yet he felt an immense urge to know how yours continued.
"I stopped talking to my parents and pushed away my friends. Then that wasn't enough anymore; he accused me of cheating, said I spent too much time at work and was neglecting him. His ex-girlfriend wasn't like that; neither was his mother. He said, 'if you were better, maybe I'd stop looking at asses on the internet,'" you laughed without humor, wiping your tears. "Can you believe it? Now I can't, but at that time...damn...at that time, I thought I could change him. That deep down he was a good person, and who the hell would I have if I left him? No one; he had made sure of that," you murmured, trying to hold back your tears for a few more seconds. "One day, that wasn't enough anymore; that's when the shoves started. If we went out, he used to squeeze my wrist with his fingers until it left marks. And over time he got bolder; he would hit me with doors or try to choke me every time we argued. My breaking point was one night when I came home later from a shift, and he was...oh God, he was so angry. He put his gun right to my temple and asked me to give him three reasons not to do it because he had thousands to do it. When I begged and cried on my knees, he pulled the trigger just to show me the gun was never loaded. He called me a useless bitch and said if I told anyone about it, no one would believe me; he got promoted to detective after that," you finished the story out loud for the first time: told to someone else. And you had never felt so free and yet so empty.
"Sometimes he comes; he used to come all the time until a few months ago. It usually started sweet and then turned violent. I let him in because I didn't want him to escalate further or endanger any neighbor. I-I just wanted peace," you closed your eyes trying to explain yourself, but even then, everything you had allowed was unjustifiable to you. "It's been over a year since we broke up, and I'm still trying to repair my relationship with my parents. I don't have the face to apologize to my friends because I'd have to explain and Th-that. Oh, Spencer," you touched your chest needing air. "That's impossible."
You felt Spencer move in his apartment and a couple of doors closing. Panic shot through your back; he had left. He had left you alone. Or so it was until you felt the doorbell ring and hurried to get to it, looking through the peephole. When you opened it, there was Spencer, ready for you to throw yourself at him, giving him a hug and letting go of the tears you had accumulated with shame for over a year.
"I'm sorry, Spencer."
"Tss," his nose was pressed against your neck, and his hands massaged your back affectionately. "It's okay, cry."
"I-it wasn't the wind," you sobbed. "I-it never was."
He felt you nod.
"I know. Don't worry; you're safe," he promised.
And you believed him, truly did.
***
@the-tpd-bau
#criminal minds#spencer reid#spencer reid fanfic#spencer reid x reader#dr spencer reid#spencer reid x fem!reader#spencer reid x you
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okay a longish deepdive about PDs & Succession.
CONTAINS SPOILERS
some people leave no space for curiosity. no interest in other's inner worlds and constant projections of self into quieter people's energetic life, leaves those other people exhausted and unable to develop a real desire to get to know more.
I can be like this, at my most defensive and manic.
But being around other people like this for years has worked like sandpaper on me. Because if you both project yourselves at the other person with the same intensity the friction starts to escalate. Or you build on one another until sometimes you start sharing a psychosis. So to keep the peace you can try to be agreeable, validating, and listen as much as you can.
However soon the whole thing drains you and you realize you're being talked at, performed for, that this is not a relationship of equals, you have become an audience to the self-performance of this person, and your criticism or praise is largely irrelevant except insofar as they take it as helpful feedback for self development.
I do suppose this is the kind of person you could describe as a narcissist. But understanding the wounds, anxiety and beliefs at the core of this problem from having been In It for a long time, I don't feel like that label does justice to what is happening in relationship. Personality disorders exist mostly in the presence of other people. In early remission, people with BPD will share in forums how they feel okay now, so long as they are alone. other people trigger the defensive formations of the self that comprise the "disorder."
People who do this often are highly anxious and traumatized. The fear at the core of it is somatic. It is fear of being erased, silenced, destroyed, or fear of one's own power, of the shadow...many things but what runs the whole thing is fear, paranoia, distrust.
That's what struck me most about forums for people w NPD. most threads were talking about trust, of God, of the universe, of other people. The lack of it.
I think the pathologization of these personality formations has had net negative results but also aided us all in understanding a bit more how not to get lost in sick people's dreams and control.
Narcissism & personality disorders aren't scary crazy unreal spectacle things all the time. They're human suffering from spiritual misunderstanding and emotional damage or neglect. In fact I think entitled narcissism comes from neglect of emotional guidance (teaching limits, boundaries, respect, fairness) and wounded/defensive narcissism comes from abuse (berating, controlling, wounding child's self image, emotional manipulation, etc). And so they manifest a bit differently.
But I digress - because narcissistic people aren't just fun blorbo bugs to study under a microscope. A lot of people who do good in the world are still impossible to get to know and love on an intimate level out of glitches and destruction in the formation of their person good.
Succession, as a show, handles the interlinking clusterfuck of dysfunctionality that leads to these disorders by putting the characters psychosexual motivations on full display - it's one of the best written shows I've encountered yet, for character studies. I joked that I was "downloading Roman Roy's personality to become insufferable."
In particular his form of psychopathy compelled me the most because he clearly understands more than many people around him, he's just abnegated his own power to the point he is essentially neutered, castrated, helpless before the will of his father or the almighty dollar. However he still pays attention sometimes, listens. Unlike Kendall's manic depressive swinging that passes through reality entirely into constructed ideas of who he could be and what he could do, Roman knows what they are, what he is, even though he hates himself, and does not actually care about the harm the family causes....or does he? In some way he copes with extreme guilt.
The thing about Kendall that's tragic is he does, sometimes, try so hard. But he's trying. He never does it, not really. He doesn't connect with the lower class people he hangs out with. He thinks he does. But he never stops to check in, to really listen.
That's why he becomes most like his father in the megalomania, the abusive manipulation, the paranoia, the entitlement. He never gets checked all the way. Until, *SPOILER ALERT*
his siblings do it. What a poetic resolve.
My point is, studying the blorbos of the Roy family et al provided me some real insight into my own dysfunctional family, people I know and attract into my life, and gave me much food for thought about yes men, complicity and what it means to have a spine.
Yes men win, in the end, but they have to sell their souls so completely you can almost watch the personhood leave their eyes.
A refusal to intervene or accept responsibility for choices...what the Roy siblings demonstrate over and over no matter how many times they try to make things work, is what happens when the fundamental core of a person is neglected and trampled on. They refuse to take responsibility for themselves, their own personhood and choices.
Kendall blames systems and his family. He ignores his own obligations and failings by trying to take down or own the family legacy. He's a mercenary, out for hire. He wants to care but does not have the mechanism of accountability installed in him. He hides his crimes like a child hiding an ice cream spoon from a controlling parent (and God do I relate).
Roman blames himself, or no one. For him it's all a tragedy and a farce, he is the sharp tongued commentator. He gets what he wants no matter what other people say or do, or tries to. His awareness of how little self respect he carries himself with is...questionable.
Shiv does not show who she blames. She plays as if she is smarter than she is, because she wants respect from men who will never, ever, give it to her. She thinks she can get it. Or tolerate enough to get something. Shiv almost gets it but her controlling and undermining of her brothers is a very older sister undoing. She tries to square with people, her father, Matsson, even Tom. But because she is lying to herself and everyone about what she wants, nothing ever sticks.
Connor gets it right on the nose calling all his siblings love hungry. He knows, he says himself he has learned to survive without love. He knows he and his family are pathetic. He still puts on a show. Maybe he half believes his own show. He fakes everything to the and demonstrate his worth but under that knows it's a lie. Willa, presidency, all of it is a show to get people in his camp, to scrape up some kind of approval in lieu of genuine affection. As his outburst and praise at the gala demonstrates, whether or not he wants anything to do with you depends on your performance/to him/.
It's all ratings, baby, especially for the males of the Roy family. For the women it's proximity to power.
Anyways Kendall does call his father out as a grandoise psychopathic narcissist so there's that. But my point is that personality disorders are disorders of relationship, and individualizing Logan Roy's particular "pathogen" as Gerri calls it, distracts from the larger picture, the picture*SPOILER* Ewan tries at the funeral to convey with grace:
"my brother brought out a meanness in men."
The meanness is already there, in all of us. Ewan admits it's in him, too, but he still tries. Some people stop trying.
That part hit me hard. Because I think over the show you can track when Kendall stops trying. He almost gets it, that "the poison drips down" - it's not trickle down economics, it's a IV drip of toxins being fed into the veins of ATN viewers.
My thesis here is not very mindblowing: American political culture disorders our personalities. It is built off personality disorders.
No one in this show or in it's real life counterparts, are really happy. The only happy moments we see with the Roys...maybe "a meal fit for a king"? Goofing around together. Even in that, they are still being cruel, but their target is a shared outer target.
I loved those scenes, brief as they were, where the siblings were a united front against the big bad world, with their plans and their cool sunglasses and planes - you almost root for them. Almost. And then - the truth breaks it all to pieces, again.
The truth of who they are: not serious people.
Serious people, they think, watching their father do shit, do shit. Serious people own stuff and lord it over others. They don't remember the work their father did put in, the soul he sacrificed, to get to the top, they don't connect the dots of all the people working for them silently in the background at all times, how those people make the world go round, even if they feel like THEY do.
Being a serious person, finding joy, is accessible to every human being in the right context - the context to discover a purpose, a love, a passion - to stop merely taking and believe something good can come out of your self. The show is a tragedy not because wahhh poor rich people, it's a tragedy because it reflects a deep contortion in our own shredded social fabric.
I could say so much more but I have to go pack and make a tart and do laundry. If you read this to the end, thanks for stickin with it!
#succession#spoilers#succession spoilers#suck session#just commected the pun in the name oh my god#roman roy#kendall roy#logan roy#this show is such an excellent piece od media
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Hello and Happy Tuesday,
Music has and always will be a source of inspiration in my journey of self-discovery. From a young age, I've found that certain melodies spark my curiosity and lift my spirit in profound ways. It is this deeply personal power of music that I'd like to explore with you today.
While we all have diverse tastes, I believe music's ability to transcend boundaries and bring people together holds great beauty. The complex harmonies of classical speak to our shared humanity, as do the vibrant rhythms of jazz or the meaningful lyrics found in folk. Each genre reflects the souls of the artists who created it, and invites listeners to connect.
My journey in listening has been one of exploring new sounds and opening windows into cultures both near and far. But it is also a path of learning - as the moods that move me often reveal my changing hopes, interests and values over time. They actually tell me my personality. I praise people’s ability to read themselves back, and others through their choices and interests in music. It’s not the analysis that ever is the problem, it’s the process of which we organize to deliver the cognitive and emotional evidence. Do we analyze to between understand or do we do it more for conviction? Occasionally, there’s both and that will work out too if it’s fair and proportional to truth. However, I personally, would rather than judging what is "mainstream," I find layers of meaning everywhere, from popular hits to underground discoveries.
Music has also introduced me to fascinating people, as concerts, open discussions and sharing favorite songs have fostered friendships I would not have otherwise known. Even small moments of musical connection, like discovering a new streaming genre or happening upon street performers, seem to brighten each day. Below is an equation built for you to drop right into a search engine optimization. It’s using atypical object relation, it created it to talk right to algorithm. Drop right into a search engine, reflect yourself.
It's an equation I've come to appreciate: (Complex + Abstract + Unconventional Music) Eclectic Taste / [High Level Openness] = Journey Towards Greater Self-Discovery
The Symphony of Complexity
Complex music has always held a unique allure for me. The intricate melodies, the harmonious interplay of chords, the rhythmic undulations, and the profound lyricism of genres like classical, jazz, and progressive rock have always been more than just sounds to my ears. A mirror of my own life. They represent, to me, a labyrinth of emotions and ideas, each note a thread leading me deeper into the understanding of my own psyche.
The Abstract Canvas
Equally captivating is abstract music, an uncharted territory that defies traditional conventions. Experimental music, ambient sounds, avant-garde genres - they create not just a melody, but a mood, a sound landscape that is open to interpretation. I find myself diving into these soundscapes, exploring the different textures and ideas, and in the process, understanding more about my own emotional spectrum.
The Unconventional Path
Then there's unconventional music, the rebel of the music world. Genres like alternative rock and indie music, where artists are pushing boundaries, breaking from established norms, and incorporating unique elements. This love for the unconventional mirrors my own journey of self-discovery. It's a testament to my appreciation for creativity and originality, and my constant quest to seek something different from the mainstream.
An Eclectic Taste
My taste in music is as diverse as it is eclectic. From the classical to the contemporary, from the mainstream to the underground, from the familiar to the foreign, I find joy in exploring different types of music. It's this openness to new experiences, this willingness to step out of my comfort zone that has played a pivotal role in my journey of self-discovery.
The Trait of Openness
As a person with a high level of openness, one of the Big Five Personality Traits, I find that my openness is reflected in my musical preferences. Openness encompasses imagination, creativity, and an appreciation for art, all of which translate into my musical choices.
Complexity, Creativity, and Emotional Depth
My love for complex music reflects my appreciation for creativity and intellectual engagement. The layers of meaning in intricate lyrics, the interplay of different instruments in a complex musical arrangement - they all speak to my intellectual curiosity. The emotional depth in music resonates with me, as I have a greater awareness of my own emotions and a higher tolerance for a range of emotional experiences.
Exploration and Discovery
My journey of self-discovery is also a journey of exploration and discovery in the world of music. I am driven by curiosity and a desire for new experiences. I love exploring different music genres, discovering new artists, and seeking out music from different cultures, time periods, or underground scenes.
Intellectual Engagement
Music for me is not just about the sound, it's about engaging with complex ideas, about thought-provoking lyrics, about complex musical techniques. It's a testament to my intellectual curiosity and my love for engaging with complex ideas.
But this is just my journey, my equation. Each of us has our own unique equation, our own path of self-discovery, influenced by a range of factors such as cultural background, personal experiences, and situational factors. And that's what makes each of our journeys unique and beautiful.
I hope that sharing my journey has given you some insights, and perhaps even inspired you to explore your own musical equation and embark on your own journey of self-discovery. After all, music is a universal language, but how we interpret it is deeply personal. Happy listening, and happy discovering!
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I see the red flags from miles away, yet, I am committed to a plan that I must see through. Is that a ridiculous thought? I have a trip booked and paid for at a time when money doesn't grow on trees.
Do I trust the words I read in his texts or do I trust my judgement and anxiety?
A bisexual man, looking to explore. Yet, says he wants a boyfriend. He recently ended a 1 year and 6 month relationship with a girl and has been single for just over one month. He lives alone in a town he hates and works at a job which pays well but has a shit schedule and doesn't bring him happiness.
I confronted him today because I was almost sure he was watching porn in the background when we were sexting. Not such a big deal but I needed to know so I asked him. And he was. And he's given a valid explanation and tried to reassure me saying that I am "more than enough for him". But I find myself saddened still, as if he had cheated on me before we're even a real thing. I understand his reasons, but I am still hurt the same. Yet I don't seem to be allowed to feel hurt. And that's the thing with situationships, the boundaries are not clear. I almost wish he'd lied to me and said no. At least he was honest about it.
My first kinda boyfriend ever was also bisexual and I struggled so much to feel like I was enough for him. I will never be a woman and I have no desire to be. I understand that he feels attraction in both directions and currently at almost equal amounts. I don't know how I can ever make him fully happy. So maybe this really isn't the place for me.
I've been trying so long to make something work with someone. I'm told that that's part of my problem. I chase instead of attracting. Apparently what belongs to me will find me when the time is right. But I struggle to believe that. I believe everything in this life takes effort. We have to fight for what's ours or it will be taken away or walk away. I'm told I feel this way because I am weak, because my self-esteem is not higher, because I don't know how to be content being alone. And don't get me wrong, I'm trying to better myself. But there is one phrase that I once heard that I still believe: true love will find you in your mess and not at your best. If someone can stick around when it's all going to shit, then they truly want to love you. No one is perfect or at their best 100% of the time. Life is messy. If you want to love me you have to be willing to love the mess too.
So, am I willing to love him in his mess? The thing is I can see myself getting hurt just as much as I can see myself living a happy relationship. I am scared of getting hurt. But at the same time I am tired of seeking. And I don't believe it can be found. Things don't just happen. You make them happen. Even if sometimes they're easier than others.
Idk what I'm doing. I feel like I'm YOLO-ing life right now. But at the same time, I feel like I'm gonna hit the wall with such force that it may just finish me off. What a place to be, ey?...
He is sensitive and caring. He cries while listening to music sometimes. He sings a lovely song. We share many interests and can talk for hours on end without getting tired or feeling annoying or getting bored. We had a conversation once about the perfect day being single and the perfect day when in a relationship. Our ideas match very well. We talk about plans in the distant future. He seems to project us together long term. I feel hopeful yet terrified constantly. Because I've been here all too many times just for it to end just as unexpectedly as it started. I think I'm gonna roll with it a while longer and see where it ends up. At the very least it will be a story to tell someone someday. Wish me luck...
#real talk#personal#what am I doing#wtf#bisexual#dating#lgbt#lgbtqi+#gay#sigh#tired#thoughts#fml#lol#yolo
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Now I’m not asking for much I just wish more people would see me as a living person than my English and ceramics teacher did today after learning I fainted on Friday and helped me get to safety and recover but I thinks that’s too much to ask now hsjdndjfkfmgm
#vent#I love being seen as just something to talk at or use by eveyone#I live that no one noticed when I get better or worse#I love that no one is ever genuinely proud of me and would rather get pissed about having to be involved in what they made me do#I love that no one sees me as a friend and just an extra#I love that I’ll never be good at art or athletics or sciences or anything compared to eveyone around me#I love how the people I trust grow to use me as the butt of the joke because I never fight back#I love the fact that if I died right now no one would notice and if they did they’d be happy#I love how easily the people I cared so much about can forget me after I’m taken out of the situation#I love whenever I get the small chance to talk about what I like like I’m a real person the people I’m talking to make it about themselves#or what they like or people they cate more about#I love that I’ve poured so much time and care into people who usally forgwt I exists#I love that so many people I know online now only start convos to talk about themselves and have turned to tricking me so they have someone#to talk at#I love how quickly people toss me aside after they think they’ve used me for all I’ve got#I love how diffrent people act when they think I’m not there#peace and love on the planet earth am I right#shout out to diver for being the only acception to all this even if they’ll never see this#jdjdnfnfnfn u were the only person that made sure I was ok and checks in and makes sure I’m still taking care of myself#and both shares and listens equally and talks to me and understands my boundaries and just be all around an amazing person#well that’s my vent for the month again djdjfnf#chill session with bee
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i just binged-read all of your BNHA works and omg... 🥲 you don’t understand the rollercoaster of emotions i just went through! can i please request a story of Kirishima noticing that Bakugou has a crush on his darling. then when Kirishima confronts Bakugou about it, things get heated/physical? keep up the good work, i love your writings! 🥰💗
Thank you so much for reading through them, I am so glad you enjoyed them! :D And thanks for requesting ♥
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“I don’t fucking know either!”
Loud. Terribly loud were the two voices shouting at each other in your room, the little bit of safe haven you owned, entirely disrupted by the two men arguing. It was only made worse by the fact that they were arguing about you rather than anything else, their attention involuntarily always coming back to you after every sentence.
You had long ducked away, slipped into the area between the wall and your bed, the only place you had claimed as yours ever since you were forced to live here. It was barely spacious enough for you to breathe in, but it was too small to force you out of as well, which you always appreciated. On most days, Kirishima would treat you kindly and with a strange understanding despite the situation and relationship you two had.
But just as quickly did his mood change, his tendencies to demand more than you were willing to give being a constant point of stress between you two. Hiding yourself back here was the closest to some privacy you had, and now than ever, you just wanted to disappear from this pitiful existence. You didn’t even want to hear about what they were talking, let alone witness how the conversation would go.
“Fuck,” Bakugou groaned loudly, rubbing his hands over his face. “Of all the people...”
“Yes. Of all the people, it just had to be my partner you fell in love with,” Kirishima hissed back, equally angered. You couldn’t even pinpoint for how long the two had been discussing this topic, but it left a bad taste in everyone’s mouth, as it seemed. Sighing quietly as to not draw more attention to you, you buried your head in your knees.
For the longest time, you had believed those two were good people. Sure, Bakugou was a hot-headed bastard sometimes, but together with Kirishima, who shone with his kindness, you three always had a lot of fun. When Kiri confessed to you, you had been so happy! What you thought was love probably was more like a deep friendship, but you didn’t say ‘no’ and went out with him.
But then the craziness started. It was subtle at first, and you confided in Bakugou, who told you, you were just imagining things. No one seemed to notice how Kirishima started to polarize your time constantly, how, when he wanted cuddles, he simply pulled you into an embrace even if you didn’t want to. How every problem was solved with ‘Just don’t go there anymore, you can stay here! I’ll take care of everything!’
You very quickly found out you had been wrong both with him being a good person and you being in love with him. But then, of all people, he still allowed Bakugou to come over! Where he kept you locked in his apartment all day while he played hero outside, he still allowed your friend to visit whenever. Seeing that Bakugou was not going to help you, no matter how much you pleaded with him to save you, broke your heart. It completely shattered you.
Honestly, you wanted to believe that you three had been friends once, but whatever happened to make the two into what they were now, it scared you. It frightened you so much that you barely slept at night, rarely managed to eat more than two spoons of your food, and rendered you unable to focus on anything if not ensuring you were safe when things got too much to bear. And now, your body shaking more than ever, you had to witness how even Bakugou seemed to have changed sides, and that scared you even more.
You thought he was just loyal to his friend by refusing to help you, but by god, he was the same as that maniac Kirishima.
“Look, I didn’t choose that either! But you knew I liked them way before you confessed!”
At that, Kirishima only clicked his tongue, unable to say anything in return to counter this claim. So it was right, Bakugou had liked you all along. All these things about Kirishima’s and your love life must have been so painful for him to listen to in this case. However, right then, as you overheard their conversation unwillingly, you didn’t feel bad for him even a second.
“I wish it was anyone else, but it’s them!”
“Well, are you sure?” Kirishima grumbled, and you kind of understood Bakugou’s frustration as his friend didn’t seem to want to hear the truth. “Yes, I am damn sure!”
“If that’s the case...” Kirishima sighed before you heard steps drawing closer. “[Name]? Can you come out? You know it’s rude not to show your cute face to our guest.”
Even if he spoke his words in a sugary voice, nothing about Kirishima could calm you. Slowly looking up at him again, you saw him reach his hand out to you, knowing fully well that he couldn’t get you out of that gap even if he probably wanted. The mood in the room was tense and full of heated tempers. Their back and forth had only made everything more awkward and uncomfortable as it already was for you.
Inwardly, you wanted nothing more than to stay in your hideout, hoping it would all quickly pass, but crossing Bakugou’s gaze briefly, you saw his brows only furrow more, and you wagered if taking Kirishima’s offer was better as long as he still asked nicely before either of them would lose their patience with you, too.
Slipping out of the space without taking his help, it wasn’t long before Kirishima picked you up anyway. The man had as much understanding about boundaries as you had about what even was wrong with him. He sat you down in his lap on the couch, waving Bakugou over, who reluctantly took a seat on the furthest armrest from you.
“Tell him, [Name]. You love me, right? You want to be with me, right?”
Opening your mouth, you wanted to protest, but Bakugou stole the words from you before you could talk.
“Bullshit! They’ve always been complaining because you suck at being a boyfriend! They could do so much better and be with me, right [Name]? Tell that idiot!”
You felt like a dog, with both owners screaming at their furbaby to chose them and go to the one it likes more.
Their back-and-forth continued, Kirishima swearing his love to you up and down while Bakugou praised his abilities to be better in... every way. Kirishima liked to remind you how much ‘fun’ you two had together and how much he did and would do for you in the future. Bakugou liked to argue with his friend, using insults and belittling comments about his plans. Neither made a very good impression, and their voices rose to a volume again, making you wish you had earplugs to drown out at least a little bit of their shouting.
Instead, you lifted your hands to your ears, cupping them as to drown out the sounds, hoping it was over soon. Why couldn’t they both leave you alone? Why did you have to end up in this situation, not once, but twice? Why did the two best friends you had turned out to be this crazy? Crazy about you?
There still were so many questions to be answered, and you curled into yourself as you spiraled down into overthinking everything that happened. From regrets you had, to disbelieve you still harbored, to the despair you felt as you couldn’t pinpoint when this nightmare would end.
You were so inside your own head, you didn’t notice how their voices slowly calmed down, their hearts breaking as they saw you so overwhelmed by the situation. Kirishima and Bakugou exchanged a few glances, and even in Bakugou’s serious and furious expression, there were hints of worries to find that only his friends could discern.
“How about you move in with us... and maybe they can make a decision then. Not that I’d just give them to you, but I can’t watch them being sad about us fighting. You always meant a lot to us.”
Huffing, Bakugou turned his head away, hiding the flustered red spreading on his cheeks. “I won’t share with you, you Dumbass! They’re mine. They love me much more than you freak!”
“Doubt it,” Kirishima chuckled as he brought his hand to your head, brushing over it comfortingly. He had never been afraid to say his opinion openly, a trait you had always found remarkable and remarkable stupid at the same time. “Whatever,” Bakugou grunted, standing up before storming out of the door without another word of goodbye, Kirishima sighing before he pulled you close.
“I hope this makes you happy,” he mumbled, not even knowing you weren’t listening anymore. “I’d do anything if it makes you happy.”
By the evening, a new roommate was sharing the apartment with you and Kirishima. They didn’t talk, neither at dinner nor before or after that. You didn’t mind the silence, but you did mind having to hold one hand of each as they decided to watch a movie, ever so often squeezing to gain your attention and giving you grins when you looked at them. As if that equaled making a decision which you liked better, just because they had a few seconds of your attention.
But even worse were the changes. The first thing Bakugou did was move the bed. Your hideout was no longer as he decided you didn’t need it. And where you had struggled to keep Kiri from you, you now were too scared to shove away Bakugou. Perhaps, you really had it nice with Kirishima. You pondered about it all night as you were squeezed between them, their arguing going deep into the early hours before they fell asleep, snoring away into your ears.
Would it have been easier if you had just chosen one of them?
Or would it be fatal to ever choose between them?
#Bakugou#Bakugou Katsuki#Kirishima#Kirishima Eijirou#bakugou bnha#kirishima bnha#yandere bakugou#yandere!bakugou#yandere kirishima#yandere!kirishima#BnHA#Boku no Hero Academia#MHA#My Hero Academia#yandere bnha#yandere!bnha#yandere mha#yandere!mha#yandere#yandere imagines#yandere headcanons#yandere scenarios#yandere fanfiction#yandere writing#yandere oneshot#yandere drabble#yandere x reader#yandere x darling#Yandere TW#Anonymous
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Worth It
Hello, I’m back for Day 3, a secret relationship. I’m so happy that you guys liked the first prompt, despite the angst lol. This one here isn’t angsty at all, there’s my usual favoured fluff involved, with some Serious Conversations.
Anyway, enjoy!! :)
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cw: none
Aelin's mind was buzzing, torn between happiness and nervousness. That was all she could feel ever since the pregnancy test revealed the positive sign over an hour ago and she had just been staring at it since then, wearing nothing but her underwear and one of her favourite hoodies that she had stolen from Rowan long ago.
She and Rowan had talked about children, but had decided that it would be best to have them once things weren't so...complicated. When Aelin would get another job, because all over Rifthold, secretary positions were being offered, but no positions in Rowan's level were being offered.
Because Rowan was her boss, and she was his secretary. And at Havilliard Accounting Firm, office relationships were off the table. If anyone was found out to be in a relationship, it was straight to the HR office for a scolding and a firing; and that the was the absolute last thing that either of them wanted, and since Rowan was her superior, she feared of what would happen to him. Their relationship was equal, there was no manipulation from either side, both of them wanted the relationship and so they decided to be in one.
So Rowan and Aelin dated in secret, keeping their romantic and personal lives out of their professional lives. Which was hard at times, considering that they lived together, and sometimes it was hard to keep a straight face when an unresolved argument was hovering above them, so they had to repeat to themselves about professionalism and boundaries until it was time to go home and fix what problem they were facing at that time.
Aelin hated it, and so did Rowan. It made them feel dirty, like there was something wrong between them, when that was the furthest thing from the truth. When Aelin had first started on the job, she didn't think that she would be with Rowan—honestly, she thought that he was a bit of a bastard, but she got to know him, and found that they had many things in common, and slowly, so slowly, Aelin started to see Rowan in a different light, and when she looked back at that time, she came to the realisation that Rowan had felt the same, that the look he held in his eyes for her were the same as back then.
And once that shared attraction made its appearance, they had fought their feelings for so long, up until a year and a half ago when they had ran into each other at the State Museum on the weekend, had lunch together at the museum cafe and things just went from there.
They made it work, despite the secrecy of it all. Only a few of their friends knew and they promised to keep it to themselves. Absolutely none of the few Whitethorn cousins that worked in the same building knew, as they were complete busybodies and would tell everyone, not at all caring about the circumstances.
None of Aelin's work friends knew either. All they knew was that she was single and not looking for a relationship, that she was focusing on herself before she made any commitments; Rowan had told his work friends something similar.
At first, the secrecy of it all was exciting, like something straight out of the romance novels she adored, but a year and a half later, when they talked about marriage and Aelin had even told him the type of engagement ring she would like, it was becoming tiresome. Aelin just wanted the whole world to know of her love with Rowan, but so far, that was not to be.
Sighing, she wondered back to the now. She supposed she could say that it was the result of a one night stand, but it felt cruel to reduce Rowan to nothing as if was a stranger she fell into bed with and was nothing but a quick fuck after one too many drinks.
Besides, once she had the baby, it would be obvious who the father was. Silver hair and green eyes were dominate in the Whitethorn family, and the chances of her having a silver-haired, green-eyed child was high—it wouldn't take more than two seconds to figure out who the father was, especially if the child inherited Rowan's tanned skin and straight nose.
If the child inherited Aelin's fair skin, her ocean blue eyes, and button nose, however, it might be easier to come up with some story about how someone in Aelin's family had silver hair.
But Aelin didn't want to lie. Didn't want to pass off their child as someone else's.
According to the test, she was seven weeks along, and she was all ready exhausted.
The jingle of keys had Aelin's head snapping up from her seat in the living room, the pregnancy test heavy in her hand.
It was time to tell him. She had to leave work two hours into the day when she was overcome with nausea, and he had kept it professional when he wished her well, but she spotted in the concern in his eyes as he silently asked her if she was okay. Later on, he had texted her, asking if she needed anything from the shops, but she didn't.
Aelin told him she was fine, but now...now she was nervous. Not at all because of Rowan's reaction, but just because of their damned circumstances.
She had never hated the secrecy more until now.
But Aelin made herself smile as he made his way over to her, kissing her on the forehead and asking if she was okay again, once more asking her if she needed him to get her anything. Taking a deep breath, and telling herself that everything would be okay, she clutched the stick in her hand and told him to sit down. He did, his brows furrowed as he looked at her.
Wordlessly, Aelin handed over the test. Rowan took it from her outstretched hand, his eyes wide as he glanced at her, to the test, and then back to her.
“You're pregnant?” he asked, his voice a breathless rush.
Aelin could only nod.
“Fireheart, that's...” he trailed off, Aelin's heart near bursting out of her chest as she waited for his next words, she knew that they'd be positive, but still. Rowan smiled, and it was the most beautiful thing Aelin had ever witnessed. “This is amazing.”
“It is?” The words fell out of her mouth of their own accord. Clearly, she wasn't listening to herself.
Rowan sensed her unease and took her hands in his own, kissing her knuckles as he did. “I know that we've talked about having children later on, but I couldn't be more happy.”
Nodding, Aelin took a deep breath. She was excited too, despite everything. Which was why she said, without a hint of doubt, “I'll hand in my two week notice once I pass the first trimester.”
“Fireheart, I can't ask you to do that,” Rowan said, clutching her hand. “I'll ask for a transfer, and you can stay until you go on maternity leave, and if you still want to quit afterwards and look for work elsewhere, then I'll help you, but you've worked too hard to quit now.”
“Everyone thinks I'm single, Rowan, and I don't want to come up with a horrid about one night stands. We're all ready lying, and I don't want to add more to the pile.”
“The transfer—” Rowan started, but Aelin cut him off.
“You'll just be in a different building, but the company policies will still stand. I know what you're thinking, that in the future I'll resent you and that I'll blame you for making me quit, but I won't. I'm sick of lying, and I know you are too—it's been a year and a half of lies, and with this child are we going to extend that lie for another eighteen years? What if the child is a carbon copy of you? Then all the lies will blow up in our faces. I know you don't think it is, but this is the best option.” Part of her did want to stay, to utilise her maternity leave, but Rowan could be fussy, especially when she wasn't feeling well and if Rowan started fussing over his pregnant secretary then the questions would start flying.
Rowan sighed and was quiet for a long while. “I'm sorry,” he said eventually, “about the lying. I wish it didn't have to be like this. I wish that you didn't think you had to quit, but I understand why.” Again, he hated the whole expandable aspect of it all—but annoyingly, it made more financial sense for Rowan to stay and for Aelin to leave.
Rowan really did hate it, but Aelin had clearly made up her mind, and would not change her mind, she was stubborn.
“I know, but Rowan, I don't regret being with you, not for a moment. I just want to start this journey on a more joyful road. I love you, to whatever end.”
Rowan smiled softly at her, his worries easing away just a little bit at their words—their promise to each other. “To whatever end. We'll figure it out.”
“We will.” Deciding that she wanted to be wrapped in his arms, Aelin snuggled against him, breathing in his pine and snow scent, she was close to drifting off, when Rowan cleared his throat. Glancing up at him, he had a smile on his face, and an unreadable look in his eyes. “What?”
“I suppose now would be a horrible time to propose?”
Sitting back in a blink of an eye, Aelin crossed her arms over her chest and narrowed her eyes at him. “Rowan Whitethorn, if you propose to me while I'm wearing this shitty old hoodie, I swear to the gods, I will singe off your eyebrows right now.”
“So that's a no?” He asked, his lips twitching, eyes swimming with barely concealed mirth at her. Her own lips wanted to rise in a smile, but she slammed it down.
“It's a no for now. I want to be wearing a nice dress, eating good food—but not in a crowd, you know I hate crowd proposals—with a pretty view—”
“I thought that I was the pretty view?” Rowan interrupted, laughing at the glare Aelin sent his way.
“And I forgot the rest of what I was going to say, but I am not being proposed to on a sofa.”
“Okay, no sofa proposals, I can remember that.”
“Good,” Aelin muttered and returned to his arms. They spoke of their future, of their baby and a list of potential names.
X X X X X X
Rowan proposed six months later at the beach, three months to the day that she had quit, with work being none the wiser, until recently, and they got off scott-free since Aelin was no longer employed there. The sky was a beautiful canvas of pink and peach, the only sounds the crashing of the waves, with no people around.
The ring was the exact one she had picked out long ago—a sparkly emerald with size of her fingernail on a gold band.
And it was exactly as she wished it, her in a nice sundress, with good food and ever-growing pretty views.
Having a secret relationship for a year and a half was exhausting, but well worth it in the end.
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I Think About You
Pairings: Alive!Luke Patterson x Alive!Reader
Summary: Luke and Y/N had been the perfect couple, until they weren’t. Some things have definitely changed, but some feelings stay the same.
| MASTERLIST |
You sigh as you stare at the big doors of Los Feliz High School. Summer was officially over and the moment you had been dreading since then had finally arrived. This was the day that everything became real. No more avoiding the reality of your life.
You enter the school’s hallways with your head down, trying to cover most of your face with your beanie-free head. You wanted to avoid your friends for as long as you could.
It wasn’t that you didn’t want to see them, I mean Julie was your best friend, you just didn’t want to see him. Not after the breakup. You weren’t mad, you just weren’t ready, it still felt too soon.
You and Julie had been the best of friends since you moved to the house next door. Both of you connecting through music, always finding time to write songs together. That’s why when Julie was asked to join Sunset Curve — now Julie and the Phantoms — you were the first one she told and the first one to meet the guys.
Alex, Reggie, and Luke had instantly become of your liking which had sealed the deal for Julie to accept their offer, though as soon as the cute guitarist had taken the liberty to go through both of Julie’s and your stuff — even after you both had screamed at him about boundaries— he had found your songbook. After that, Luke would always go to you to talk about the songs for the band and then to write them with you.
It had become a thing between you both.
Soon, songwriting dates became real dates and, as everyone predicted, you two started dating. But the band always came first to Luke — you knew that and always respected it— which meant that dates started to be missed unless it involved the band's songs.
It had become too much for either of you.
That’s why, after almost a year of dating, Luke and you had broken up with the promise of giving each other the summer to heal before having to put the band’s needs as their priorities.
That’s why you hadn’t seen either of your friends, other than Flynn, through your whole summer.
Now though, the reality of the situation hit you with all its force. You and Luke were over.
With a sad sigh, you hug your songbook closer to your chest —the song you had written a few weeks ago feeling heavier in it— before making your way to your locker, which is located beside Julie's.
“Y/N”
You move your eyes to the source of your name, Julie staring at you with a soft smile before moving to hug you. You return the hug with a heavy sigh, you had definitely missed her.
“How are you?” she questions you as soon as she lets go.
You shrug your shoulders with a small smile before opening your locker, you didn’t want to be questioned about your mixed feelings right now. You were not ready for that.
“There is my underachiever and my failure”
Both you and Julie let out a laugh as Flynn positions herself in front of you both, you making sure to grab the books you needed before turning towards her with a smile.
“Hey, disappointment” Julie and you say simultaneously.
Soon, Flynn and Julie start to tell you about the summer gossip that they’d heard so far making you laugh as they mention Carrie’s Dirty Candy costume malfunction. Your smile disappears though as you see a hand position itself on Julie’s shoulder, a known leather jacket catching your attention.
“Hello, ladies”
Flynn and Julie smile at Reggie while you look at your surroundings in a slight panic, if Reggie was here it meant that the other two members of the band had to be close. You were definitely not ready.
“I... uh...” You stammer while starting to walk backwards, “I have... have to go to, uh... class! Yes! I have to go to class! See you at lunch!”
As fast as your feet allow you to, you run towards the music room knowing they won’t come after you and needing the quiet.
You sit yourself down on the grand piano, letting out a heavy sigh as you do. How were you supposed to ignore your still very present feelings for the lead guitarist of Julie and the Phantoms if you had to socialize with him?
Your hands open your songbook on the song you had poured your feelings in before putting it in on the piano’s music rack. Your fingers soon grace the instrument’s keys as you build up the courage to play it.
With the thought of hazel-green eyes you allow yourself to play it.
“Last summer we met
We started as friends
I can't tell you how it all happened”
Memories of how Julie had introduced you both come to you at full force, his boyish grin forever imprinted in your mind.
“Then autumn, it came
We were never the same
Those nights, everything felt like magic”
It hadn’t taken you both too long for your friendship to become something more, every time you stayed up late writing songs and talking about anything that came to your minds had made sure of that.
“And I wonder if you miss me too
If you don't is one thing that I wish you knew”
Before you can start the chorus you move your hands away from the piano your eyes filled with unshed tears. It was too much, too soon. You feel anger well up in your chest as you stare at the lyrics in front of you.
Without thinking about it, you rip the page out and crumble it before throwing it in the classroom’s trash.
Once that is done, you grab your stuff and leave the room in a hurry failing to notice the blond drummer that stood by the door with a broken look on his face.
He had heard and seen everything and he couldn't stop his heart from breaking after seeing how hard this was being on you. Especially since he knew how hard it was being on Luke too, even if he refused to show it.
With that thought, Alex enters the music room to grab the crumbled piece of paper from the trash. He was going to fix this.
Luke walked besides Reggie and Willie with a kicked puppy look through the school’s hallways, he was dreading the moment he had to see Y/N. Maybe breaking up hadn’t been the smartest idea, but he just didn’t want to hurt you anymore and he couldn’t make you his priority.
At least he thought he couldn’t.
After spending the whole summer without you things had changed. You had become his priority. You were all he could think about, you were what made him write and what stopped him from writing. You were his first thought in the morning and his last thought at night.
He had screwed the best thing he had and he didn’t know how to fix it, he didn’t even know if you’d want him back. You had been understanding when he had told you what he thought was best, even going as far as promising that the band wouldn’t be hurt by it only asking for the summer to be able to heal.
He had realized he loved you at that moment.
It had been too late though. And now, here he was walking through Los Feliz High School’s hallways without you by his side, a good enough reason to have a pouty face on.
That's why when Alex stopped his two best friends and boyfriend in the middle of their way to History class, Luke only glared at him. For once all the brunette guitarist wanted to do was listen to Mrs. Smith's awfully loud voice talk about World War II.
Although it seemed the blond didn't get the memo because he pushed a wrinkled paper to your hands, an urgent and hopeful look in his eyes.
Willie and Reggie look at the interaction with curiosity, Luke scoffing before looking at the paper. Eyebrows furrowing as he identifies the words as lyrics.
“I think about you every morning when I open my eyes, I think about you every evening when I turn out the lights” he reads in confusion “I think about you every moment, every day of my life. You're on my mind all the time, it's true”
He's about to push the paper back to the drummer's hands, his heartbreak feeling ten times worst after reading that song, but the realization that he knows that handwriting stops him.
That's Y/N handwriting.
That could only mean she had written this song, but Luke knew all your songs as he had gone through your songbook hundreds of times. That meant this one was recent.
"Does this mean what I think it means?"
Alex nods with a big smile, "Yeah. What are you gonna do about it?"
Luke reads the lyrics again and again with a big smile while the three other boys stare at him with equally happy looks on their faces.
"I'm going to get my girl back"
Julie, Flynn, and you walk towards your usual table at the cafeteria with your trays of food. You felt your heart thumping loudly in your chest as you prepared yourself to sit across the guitarist that owns your heart.
Luck appears to be on your side as you three sit across from Willie, Alex, and Reggie with no sign on Luke. You let your gaze wander through the cafeteria, your eyebrows furrowing in worry as you don't see him anywhere.
Was he not eating with you guys? Was he not eating there because of you?
You start to feel sick at the thought, hating the idea that you could make him avoid his bandmates. You shake those thoughts aways, he wouldn't do that.
"Alex, Reggie" You gain their attention "Wh-where's Luke?"
They turn towards one another with uncertainty and that is the answer you need. Suddenly your food looks no longer appealing, so you stand up from where you are seated.
A conflicted look on your face.
"Y/N/N?" Whispers Julie in worry.
"I have t—I'm not hungry anymore"
Alex and Reggie share a look of worry before standing up too, "You can't leave!"
Their outburst has you and the other two girls looking at them in confusion. What the hell? Before either of you can question your weird best friends, the sound of an acoustic guitar has you and everyone else in the cafeteria shutting up.
Though what has you shutting up is the fact you recognize the melody. With confusion, you see Reggie and Alex smile at something behind you before turning around.
Coming through the cafeteria doors with his six-string is no other than Luke Patterson.
“Last summer we met
We started as friends
I can't tell you how it all happened
Then autumn, it came
We were never the same
Those nights, everything felt like magic”
Your heart tightens in your chest as you hear his raspy voice sing the lyrics that you had written in tears when you had realized you were in love with him after losing him.
“And I wonder if you miss me too
If you don't is one thing that I wish you knew”
He moves towards you, not once breaking eye contact. You hear Julie and Flynn let out excited squeals behind you but your focus is solely on the brunette boy walking your way.
“I think about you every morning when I open my eyes
I think about you every evening when I turn out the lights
I think about you every moment, every day of my life
You're on my mind all the time, it's true
I think about you, you you, you you
I think about you, you you, you you”
Luke's green eyes take you all in. His heart feels lighter once he finally lays his eyes on you. Boy, he had missed you. Singing and playing came easier, heck breathing came easier with you.
Once he had read the song you had written he knew he still had a shot and he wasn't about to let it pass him. He needed you. He was in love with you.
“Would you know what to say
If I saw you today?
Would you let it all crumble to pieces?
'Cause I know that I should
Forget you if I could
I can't yet for so many reasons”
The girls at Los Feliz follow the lead guitarist with their eyes, jealousy and awe in display as they see him look towards Y/N with complete adoration in his eyes.
“I think about you every morning when I open my eyes
I think about you every evening when I turn out the lights
I think about you every moment, every day of my life
You're on my mind all the time, it's true
I think about you, you you, you you
I think about you, you you, you you”
Reggie and Alex fist bump one another as they see Y/N take small steps towards Luke as he keeps walking to her. They definitely had done their jobs as best friends.
Willie interlacing his fingers with Alex's other hand, both sharing a loving smile as Luke finally stops in front of Y/N.
“How long 'til I stop pretending?
What we have is never ending
Oh, oh, oh
If all we are is just a moment
Don't forget me 'cause I won't and
I can't help myself”
Both of you stared deeply at each other's eyes, green meeting e/c. Your heart flutters in your chest as you see the vulnerability in Luke's eyes as he sings your words to you, knowing he feels the same way as you expressed in that song.
“I think about you, ooh, ooh
I think about you, ooh”
As the song nears its ending, Luke circles you with you following his movements. A sweet smile takes over your face as he looks at you with so much love.
You didn't think he'd ever look at you that way again and that had broken your heart, but here he was looking at you that way.
“I think about you every morning when I open my eyes
I think about you every evening when I turn out the lights
I think about you every moment, every day of my life
You're on my mind all the time, it's true
I think about you, you you, you you
I think about you, you you, you you”
As soon as the song finishes, the students start clapping but neither of the two notice. Y/N and Luke are too busy looking at one another not knowing how to start.
Everyone watches in anticipation, some even recording the whole ordeal with excited smiles.
" Luke, I..."
Whatever you were gonna say is cut off by Luke's lips pressing against your own, both of you melting at the feeling of each other. Both of your hearts start thumping loudly as Luke moves his guitar to his back to position his hands on your waist to deepen the kiss.
All the people around you, especially your best friends, clap and squeal loudly in excitement. Luke and you breaking apart when you both are reminded you're not alone.
"I think about you all the time too" he whispers close to your lips.
Your smile grows before you capture his lips once more, not caring about all the people watching you. You both break the kiss only to hug one another close, suddenly both of your hearts feel lighter.
Neither of you thinking of letting go anytime soon.
#julie and the phantoms#jatp#luke jatp#luke patterson#luke patterson x oc#luke patterson x reader#luke patterson x y/n#sunset curve
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Am I in a Healthy Relationship?
It Feels Like Love — But Is It?
It's totally normal to look at the world through rose-colored glasses in the early stages of a relationship. But for some people, those rose-colored glasses turn into blinders that keep them from seeing that a relationship isn't as healthy as it should be.
What Makes a Healthy Relationship?
Hopefully, you and your significant other are treating each other well. Not sure if that's the case? Take a step back from the dizzying sensation of being swept off your feet and think about whether your relationship has these qualities:
Mutual respect.
Does he or she get how great you are and why? Make sure your BF or GF is into you for who you are.
Does your partner listen when you say you're not comfortable doing something and then back off right away, without trying to get you to change your mind?
Respect in a relationship means that each person values the other and understands — and would never challenge — the other person's boundaries.
Trust.
You're talking with a guy from French class and your boyfriend walks by. Does he completely lose his cool, or keep walking because he knows you'd never cheat on him?
It's okay to get a little jealous sometimes — jealousy is a natural emotion. But how a person reacts when feeling jealous is what matters.
There's no way you can have a healthy relationship if you don't trust each other.
Honesty.
This one goes hand-in-hand with trust, because it's tough to trust someone when one of you isn't being honest.
Have you ever caught your girlfriend in a major lie?
Like she told you that she had to work on Friday night but it turned out she was at the movies with her friends?
The next time she says she has to work, you'll have a lot more trouble believing her, and the trust will be on shaky ground.
Support.
It's not just in bad times that your partner should support you.
Some people are great when your whole world is falling apart, but not that interested in hearing about the good things in your life.
In a healthy relationship, your significant other is there with a shoulder to cry on when you find out your parents are getting divorced and to celebrate with you when you get the lead in a play.
Fairness/equality.
You need to have give-and-take in your relationship.
Do you take turns choosing which new movie to see?
As a couple, do you hang out with your partner's friends as often as they hang out with yours?
You'll know if it isn't a pretty fair balance.
Things get bad really fast when a relationship turns into a power struggle, with one person fighting to get their way all the time.
Separate identities.
In a healthy relationship, everyone needs to make compromises, but that doesn't mean you should feel like you're losing out on being yourself.
When you started going out, you both had your own lives (families, friends, interests, hobbies, etc.) and that shouldn't change.
Neither of you should have to pretend to like something you don't, or give up seeing your friends, or drop out of activities you love.
And you also should feel free to keep developing new talents or interests, making new friends, and moving forward.
Good communication.
Can you talk to each other and share feelings that are important to you?
Don't keep feelings bottled up because you're afraid it's not what your partner wants to hear.
And if you need some time to think something through before you're ready to talk about it, the right person will give you some space to do that.
What's an Unhealthy Relationship?
A relationship is unhealthy when it involves mean, disrespectful, controlling, or abusive behavior.
Some people live in homes with parents who fight a lot or abuse each other — emotionally, verbally, or physically. For some people who have grown up around this kind of behavior it can almost seem normal or okay, but it's not!
Many of us learn from watching and imitating the people close to us. So someone who has lived around violent or disrespectful behavior may not have learned how to treat others with kindness and respect, or how to expect the same treatment. This does not make it okay to disrespect you!
Qualities like kindness and respect are absolute requirements for a healthy relationship.
Someone who doesn't yet have this part down may need to work on it with a trained therapist before he or she is ready for a relationship.
Meanwhile, even though you might feel bad or feel for someone who's been mistreated, you need to take care of yourself — it's not healthy to stay in a relationship that involves abusive behavior of any kind.
Even if your partner was or is being abused, it is never okay for them to abuse you, and you aren’t a bad person for keeping yourself safe.
Warning Signs
When a boyfriend or girlfriend uses verbal insults, mean language, nasty putdowns, gets physical by hitting or slapping, or forces someone into sexual activity, it's a sign of verbal, emotional, or physical abuse.
Ask yourself, does my partner:
get angry when I don't drop everything for them?
criticize the way I look or dress, and say I'll never be able to find anyone else who would date me?
keep me from seeing friends or from talking to other guys or girls?
want me to quit an activity, even though I love it?
ever raise a hand when angry, like they were about to hit me?
try to force me to go further sexually than I want to?
These aren't the only questions you can ask yourself. If you can think of any way in which your partner is trying to control you, make you feel bad about yourself, isolate you from the rest of your world, or — this is a big one — harm you physically or sexually, then it's time to get out, fast.
Let a trusted friend or family member know what's going on, and make sure you're safe.
It can be tempting to make excuses or misinterpret violence, possessiveness, or anger as an expression of love.But even if you know that the person hurting you loves you, it is not healthy.
No one deserves to be hit, shoved, or forced into anything they don't want to do.
Why Are Some Relationships So Difficult?
Ever heard about how it's hard for someone to love you when you don't love yourself? It's a big relationship roadblock when one or both people struggle with self-esteem problems.
Your partner isn't there to make you feel good about yourself if you can't do that on your own.
Focus on being happy with yourself, and don't take on the responsibility of worrying about someone else's happiness.
What if you feel that your girlfriend or boyfriend needs too much from you? If the relationship feels like a burden or a drag instead of a joy, it might be time to think about whether it's a healthy match for you.
Even if your partner is mentally ill, or struggling with something in their personal life, it doesn’t mean you have to stay with them. A relationship is supposed to benefit both sides and make you both happy. If all it’s doing is making you miserable, it’s okay to end it.
You are never obligated to stay in a relationship, no matter your reasons for ending it.
If your partner ever threatens you with hurting themselves if you leave them, tell a trusted adult immediately, and end the relationship. Even if someone is mentally ill, it is never okay to threaten self-harm or suicide to keep someone in a relationship, and you are not responsible for their actions, even if they try to blame you. Tell a trusted adult that your partner was threatening to hurt themselves, and end the relationship.
Manipulating someone with the threat of self-harm or suicide is abusive, and it is never okay.
If you are struggling with suicidal ideation or thought of self-harm, talk to a trusted adult or call a helpline. You can talk to your partner about the way you feel, but it is not okay for you to use your mental illness as a threat or a manipulation tactic.
Feeling suicidal doesn’t always mean you want to die, wishing you didn’t exist or were never born is another common symptom. Click here to find out how you can get help if you’re feeling suicidal or want to hurt yourself.
Another reason relationships might seem so difficult is because intense relationships can be hard for teens.
Some are so focused on their own developing feelings and responsibilities that they don't have the emotional energy it takes to respond to someone else's feelings and needs in a close relationship.
Don't worry if you're just not ready yet. You can take all the time you need, even if you decide you never want to date at all.
Ever notice that some teen relationships don't last very long? It's no wonder — you're both still growing and changing every day. You might seem perfect for each other at first, but that can change. If you try to hold on to the relationship anyway, there's a good chance it will turn sour. Better to part as friends than to stay in something that you've outgrown or that no longer feels right for one or both of you.
And before you go looking for amour from that hottie from French class, respect your current beau by breaking things off before you make your move. Cheating isn’t okay, no matter your reasons.
Relationships can be full of fun, romance, excitement, intense feelings, and occasional heartache, too.
Whether you're single or in a relationship, remember that it's good to be choosy about who you get close to. If you're still waiting, take your time and get to know plenty of people, and know that no choice needs to be permanent.
Think about the qualities you value in a friendship, and see how they match up with the ingredients of a healthy relationship.
Work on developing those good qualities in yourself — they make you a lot more attractive to others.
And if you're already part of a pair, make sure the relationship you're in brings out the best in both of you.
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#relationships#healthy relationships#romance#dating#miraculous ladybug#Marinette Dupain-Cheng#Adrien Agreste#Chat Noir#Ladybug#Adrienette#Lovesquare#Marichat#Ladynoir#important#signal boost#abusive relationships#unhealthy relationships#abuse
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I can totally explain a bit of my thinking behind seeing lwj as autistic and wwx as autistic/adhd!! Before I get into specifics though, let me preface with where I’m coming from. I first saw CQL and then read the EXR translation of the novel. I prefer MDZS to CQL, but also want to acknowledge that because I do not read/speak Mandarin I am inherently experiencing this story second-hand and therefore am probably missing out on a lot of nuances. I am trying to learn Mandarin, but it will be a long time before I am even a little close to fluent lol.
Another preface- obviously not all autistic people present in the same way, and many of the things that I will mention are not solely specific to autistic people either. It’s one of those things where all of it added up together points towards asd, but each one individually would not on its own indicate asd, you know? Also, I will say that many of the things I picked up on for both characters are autistic traits that many autistic people have vs the clinical characteristics (much like most of the case I could make for wwx’s adhd would be adhd traits he has rather than symptoms that would lead to a real-world diagnosis.) Edit: OH! I almost forgot to say, that also all of these traits I’m listing are from a western perspective, and I would LOVE to read more about how autism presents in different cultures and to see conversations between autistc Chinese people specifically, so as to see if these traits are specific to western autistic people or not, but again, I do not speak Mandarin or Cantonese or any other Chinese dialect, so that’s a little inaccessible for me atm.
Ok, SO, for both characters I would list: strong sense of justice, lack of care for society’s opinion (I feel like it could be argued that lwj does to a certain point, but imo he operates more from what he morally considers to be correct and from a place of familial duty vs catering to the opinion of society at large), and then more vaguely, they both seem to be “nerdy” (this doesnt feel like the most accurate term, especially because it's not like being scholarly is specific to their characters, especially in ancient fantasy China- it’s more that their particular hmmm, flavor?? of love of knowledge feels very neurodivergent to me, vs like, being scholarly because it’s the thing that is expected of a Young Master, if that makes any sense at all- like the difference btwn someone getting an engineering degree because it is expected of them vs because they genuinely love engineering), and lastly for both- I would say that they are canonically kinky, and while I can’t cite any statistics, there’s a pretty high correlation between being autistic and being into kink. Obviously, not every person who is not vanilla is autistic, and not every autistic person is into kink…….but there is a high correlation.
For lwj specifically, the things that made me think he might be autistic are his lack of outward emoting combined with his depth and breadth of emotions, how he seems to thrive in and quite enjoy the very structured environment he grew up in, and then the last one off the top of my head (side note, I feel like a week from now I’m going to randomly think of other examples lol) I’m not actually sure IS an example, because I know (thanks to the awesome post from hunxi that you linked to that I had read previously) that his succintness does not equal autism, but I do kind of feel like it is very autistic to Always be so formal and to Always talk in textbook perfect language.
For wwx, I also think he likely has CPTSD! I’m not going to list anything for adhd or cptsd since we both agree on those :) As far as being autistic goes, there is, of course, the high prevalence of adhd/asd comorbidity. For specifc traits- while autism can show up as lack of facial expressions/tone, it can also show up as being overly exuberant and overexpressive. Especially for younger autistic children this can show up as being overly friendly/no boundaries w/ strangers (just?? going home with a random man who says he knew wwx’s parents???), making unusual connections that others do not can be both asd and adhd, his disregard for social status (disregard might be a strong word, and also I feel like this might be one of those things that got lost in translation and if I had read the original text I might have a different opinon, but what I mean here is the way that often autistic people learn certain social rules and try their best to follow them, but often do not pick up on specifics related to social hierarchy that are not spelled out for them- I think jyl’s take down of jin zixun is a great example of the /oppossite/ of what I’m talking about, and is a very neurotypical interaction. An example also of what I mean by disregard for social hierarchy, but from my own life, is how I’ve reflected on past convos w/ my boss only to realize that what I thought was just an interesting conversation about our opinons on a particular subject was actually them trying to tell-me-as-my-boss something they wanted me to do. We ended up doing things the way I wanted to do them because I didn’t realize that they were telling me to do something because they didnt explicitly say so, and because I just don’t pick up on when people are saying something from a social hierarchy pov. Idk if this makes sense or not, so I’m happy to try to expand if you would like me to. I feel like wwx could be described as having alexithymia, which is very common in autistic people, but could also be due to his cptsd. And then, I don’t feel like this is a true point because it is kind of based on headcanon? but wwx feels very demisexual to me, which is much more common for autistic people than it is for allistic people. But him being demi is not canon, just my perception of him (I see him as demisexual gay w/ massive comphet, but I know lots of people see him as bi, which also totally makes sense!!)
Tbh, I’m having a harder time than I thought I would listing wwx specifics. I might go through the book sometime this weekend and see if there are specific moments that pop out at me, but tbh w/ him its more that he Feels very adhd/asd to me?? Idk, I was diagnosed w/ adhd when I was 8, and all 4 of my siblings plus my father have offical adhd diagnoses. I’m 29 now and was only diagnosed as autistic earlier this year. All of my close friends have always been either adhd, asd, or adhd/asd. There have been multiple people I have met that I’ve suspected were neurodivergent who have later told me they started looking into it and are now seeking formal diagnoses. I mention these things, only to give full context when I say that I have spent a lot of time observing the differences between interacting with neurotypicals and neurodivergents. I mean, obviously, it’s possible that I could just be projecting, but to me, Wwx gives off late-diagnosed/heavy masker autism/adhd combo vibes. Again, maybe I am projecting, but I did try to analyze whether I was or not previously, and determined that since in the past with other favorite characters (who I probably share more similarities in personality with) I did not feel like they were neurodivergent, so I figured that probably I wasn’t? That feels like a very convoluted sentence, but what I mean is that I have not thought that about other characters who have been my fav, so I figured that while I do project in certain areas that this particular area probably wasn’t one of them. Or, to say it in yet another way, since i did not project any of my neurodivergencies on past favorite characters, I figured I probably didn’t start doing so now.
I would love to hear more of your perspective on this, particularly because I worry that I do not have the cultural touchstones to realize when something wwx or lwj is doing is not actually a sign of being neurodivergent. I try my best to research things I don’t know about and to listen to fans who actually do have that cultural understanding, but there’s only so much I can look into on my own when I only speak/read english. And also, I love mdzs and I love talking about both adhd and autism, so I’m glad to talk about these subjects with someone else who also likes all of those topics :) Sorry for sending a book of a response and also I hope you are having a great day!!
wow wow wow anon THANK YOU for doing your research and acknowledging your blind spots you seriously made my day. I wanted to get to this as soon as I made that rant while sharing cyan’s post bc this is specifically an example of a well researched proposition based on actual lived experience and critical thinking.
I almost want to ask you to come forward so we can take this convo elsewhere for a more nuanced discussion bc you’ve already hit upon an issue that’s been holding me back from making a big blathering masterpost on the matter - that the ND experience is so unique and individual, and no one person can dictate someone else’s experience. at the end of the day, if you personally relate to these characters and gain more understanding of yourself and your experiences from them, who am I to take that away from you?
in a public space though I have to make the discussion very broad in order to accurately contextualize these issues, bc in typical autistic fashion I feel morally compelled to Do My Best and Get It Right even as the masses show no inclination of returning the favor, so apologies for the boring backstories I have to get out of the way before we can approach anything resembling new ground.
first from a diagnostic standpoint, while I recognize the traits you listed (and appreciate your clearly nuanced understanding of ND expressions) and would find value in exploring them in a personal context, they are not unique to adhd and/or autism and wouldn’t constitute a basis for diagnosis in a clinical setting. I know that's probably beside the point for this anon, but there's enough edgy teens hoarding labels out there without tacit encouragement from scientists (yes I am technically a scientist, even though my ideologies these days range from conventional to... wildly esoteric, shall we say)
from a cultural standpoint, it’s important for me to emphasize that the concept of neurodivergence is a uniquely western notion. for those unfamiliar, the term 'neurodiversity' was only coined in 1998. I was born in 1991. I existed for a whole 7 years as an autistic person before the idea of being neurodivergent was even a thing. this ND acceptance thing is very, very new - people were not making tiktok confessionals about their adhd diagnosis journeys when I was growing up.
china, like most asian countries, is about 20 years or more behind on just about every social issue compared with western countries. to better illustrate, the experience of being ND in china falls much closer to the conventional experience of disability (i.e. being eugenicized out of existence) than the tentative ND acceptance movement that’s been kickstarted in the past 20 years in the anglosphere.
safe to say, there is no ND coding going on in chinese media. characters are either explicitly ND or they're not. there's no basis for a creator subtly inducing ND-like traits in a character, because there's no such thing as ND awareness in the cultural context of where mdzs was written and consumed. any resemblance is purely accidental, as they say.
as to how this resemblance could exist - I could go into the layers and layers of historical, cultural, social and religious context that make up these characters and the xianxia genre as a whole. for this anon in particular i'm happy to, because they've done the work. please please get in touch in some way where we can have a fully fleshed out chat if you're interested in taking this further, I realize i’ve basically addressed none of the finer points you’ve raised but honestly it’s another level of discussion to be had that cannot be summarized in one blog post haha.
as for those who would scream 'but special interests!!' at a character whose sect was founded by a literal monk - what would be the point?
PS. to comprise a starting point for why it's possible to see ND4ND everywhere in media if you looked hard enough - I refer you to the seminal red oni blue oni trope 💁♀️
#neurodivergence#neurodiversity#actuallyautistic#autism#adhd#danmei#mo dao zu shi#the untamed#mdzs#lan wangji#wei wuxian
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Written In The Stars XCVI (Harry Potter xF!Oc)
A/N: I will use PoA gifs until I run out of them. Which will be never. Look at Harry and tell me this wasn’t his best look. Tell me he isn’t beautiful I dare you -Danny
Words: 3,295
Series’ Masterlist
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Listen to: Can’t Help Falling In Love -by Elvis
Chapter Thirty-One: Daydreams.
"Just go through it again, Harry," said Hermione after they sent Sirius' letter the next morning. "What did Mr Crouch actually say?"
"I've told you, he wasn't making much sense, he said he wanted to warn Dumbledore about something. He definitely mentioned Bertha Jorkins, and he seemed to think she was dead. He kept saying stuff was his fault... He mentioned his son."
"Well, that was his fault–"
"He was out of his mind," Harry shook his head. "Half the time he seemed to think his wife and son were still alive, and he kept talking to Percy about work and giving him instructions."
"And... remind me what he said about You-Know-Who?" Ron shivered lightly.
"I've told you... He said he's getting stronger."
"But he was out of his mind like you said, so half of it was probably just raving..." Ron shrugged, trying to make it like it was no big deal.
"He was sanest when he was trying to talk about Voldemort. He was having real trouble stringing two words together, but that was when he seemed to know where he was and know what he wanted to do. He just kept saying he had to see Dumbledore." Harry replied with certainty.
"I just don't understand how he got here," Mel frowned. "It sounds almost as if he was fighting against the Imperio curse, remember? Most of us were just a blabbering mess when trying to come out of it..."
"If Snape hadn't held me up," Harry said in a terrible mood, looking at the owls flying above them, "we might've got there in time. 'The headmaster is busy, Potter... what's this rubbish, Potter?' Why couldn't he have just got out of the way?"
Mel reached out for his hand in silence and held it as a way of comfort. Harry squeezed back lightly, his eyes still fixed somewhere else.
"Maybe he didn't want you to get there! Maybe — hang on — how fast d'you reckon he could've gotten down to the forest? D'you reckon he could've beaten you and Dumbledore there?" Ron offered.
"Not unless he can turn himself into a bat or something."
"Wouldn't put it past him," Ron muttered.
"Still, why would he attack Krum and not Karkaroff?" Mel inquired. "If you mean to point to the discussions they had days prior, why attacking a student when he could've been directly attacked without anyone noticing?"
"We need to see Professor Moody. We need to find out whether he found Mr Crouch." Hermione sentenced.
"If he had the Marauder's Map on him, it would've been easy."
"Unless Crouch was already outside the grounds, because it only shows up to the boundaries, doesn't —"
"Shh!" said Hermione stopped them.
"— that's blackmail, that is, we could get into a lot of trouble for that —" A voice said from outside the door.
"— we've tried being polite; it's time to play dirty, like him. He wouldn't like the Ministry of Magic knowing what he did —"
"I'm telling you if you put that in writing, it's blackmail!"
"Yeah, and you won't be complaining if we get a nice fat payoff, will you?"
Fred and George froze at the sight of them.
"What're you doing here?"
"Sending a letter."
"What, at this time?"
"Fine —" Fred smiled, but it didn't look at all like his usual grin. "We won't ask you what you're doing if you don't ask us... Well, don't let us hold you up."
"Who're you blackmailing?" Ron said.
"Don't be stupid, I was only joking," George said quickly.
"Didn't sound like that," Her friend frowned.
"I've told you before, Ron, keep your nose out if you like it the shape it is. Can't see why you would, but —"
"It's my business if you're blackmailing someone. George's right, you could end up in serious trouble for that."
"Told you, I was joking. You're starting to sound a bit like our dear older brother, you are, Ron. Carry on like this and you'll be made a prefect," George walked past them and took an owl, expertly attaching their letter to its claw.
"No, I won't!"
George carried the owl and sent it off through a window.
"Well, stop telling people what to do then. See you later."
"You don't think they know something about all this, do you?" Hermione asked once they were gone. "About Crouch and everything?"
"No, if it was something that serious, they'd tell someone. They'd tell Dumbledore. You wouldn't be able to find out what they're doing now, could you?" Harry asked her.
"Don't think so," Mel sighed. "Been quiet lately, won't even tell me what they're up to like before..."
"What's the matter?" Hermione asked Ron, noticing his expression.
"Well... I dunno if they would. They're... they're obsessed with making money lately, I noticed it when I was hanging around with them — when — you know —"
"We weren't talking. Yeah, but blackmail..."
"It's this joke shop idea they've got. I thought they were only saying it to annoy Mum, but they really mean it, they want to start one. They've only got a year left at Hogwarts, they keep going on about how it's time to think about their future, and Dad can't help them, and they need gold to get started."
"Yes, but... they wouldn't do anything against the law to get gold?" Hermione added with doubt.
"Wouldn't they? I dunno... they don't exactly mind breaking rules, do they?" Ron then turned to her.
"Well, not exactly, but this would be thousand times more different..."
"This is the law," Hermione added. "This isn't some silly school rule... They'll get a lot more than detention for blackmail! Ron... maybe you'd better tell Percy..."
"Are you mad? Tell Percy? He'd probably do a Crouch and turn them in... Come on, let's get some breakfast."
"D'you think it's too early to go and see Professor Moody?" Hermione asked them.
"Yes, he'd probably blast us through the door if we wake him at the crack of dawn; he'll think we're trying to attack him while he's asleep. Let's give it till break," Harry sighed.
Harry was lazily playing with her hair as she laid her head on the desk. She watched him twirl the brown locks around his fingers and letting them slip, he looked focused on the task, his eyes falling from time to time as he kept his head prompted on one hand.
She thought of her conversation with Erick the day before and her heart ached at the idea of this extremely clever and quiet boy not having anyone treating him in the way Harry treated her. Most of all she felt incredibly thankful, overjoyed at the thought of being able to call Harry her boyfriend. If that's what they were.
She tried to say it to herself when she was alone. It sounded a tad fake, after all these years being nothing but a friend, as weird as it sounded, it also caused her great joy, and she could see herself getting used to the word eventually. A month? A year..? Maybe once they were on their seventh year the word wasn't going to be needed, they would just be, and everyone would know.
Harry laid his head fall on the desk softly, and he locked eyes with her in comforting silence. She felt her stomach flutter with anticipation, knowing full well that they were at the back of the classroom so they could be the first to leave and search for Moody. She moved slowly so neither Ron nor Hermione could feel it, and it only increased her need to get closer. Harry knew what she was trying to do and without a second thought lifted his face merely an inch from the table so he could close the distance.
The kiss felt like it lasted an eternity. She held her breath, Mel didn't know kissing felt like this, that a simple act could give so much happiness. She felt him smile against her lips and they parted seconds later, both equally flushed and with matching looks of utter fancy.
The bell rang and they quickly abandoned the classroom. That'd been the first kiss they had shared in public (not counting the awful incident with Erick) and for a second, she questioned herself: Exactly how bad would it be to just do it again, this time making sure their friends could see them. One kiss and they wouldn't have to hide anymore, was it that bad..?
"There he is!" Harry pulled her along to catch up with Moody, bringing her back from her daydreams. "Professor Moody?"
"Hello, Potter," Moody looked at a couple of first-years walking by before adding, "Come in here."
He took them to his empty classroom and closed the door behind them.
"Did you find him?" Harry asked abruptly. "Mr Crouch?"
"No."
"Did you use the map?"
"Of course! Took a leaf out of your book, Potter. Summoned it from my office into the forest. He wasn't anywhere on there."
"So he did Disapparate?" said Ron.
"You can't Disapparate on the grounds, Ron!" Hermione groaned in exasperation. "There are other ways he could have disappeared, aren't there, Professor?"
"You're another one who might think about a career as an Auror," Moody told her. "Mind works the right way, Granger." Hermione blushed at his compliment.
"Well, he wasn't invisible," said Harry. "The map shows invisible people. He must've left the grounds, then."
"But under his own steam?" Hermione continued, "or because someone made him?"
"Yeah, someone could've — could've pulled him onto a broom and flown off with him, couldn't they?" said Ron anxiously.
"We can't rule out kidnap," growled Moody.
"So," said Ron, "d'you reckon he's somewhere in Hogsmeade?"
"Could be anywhere," said Moody, shaking his head. "Only thing we know for sure is that he's not here."
"This might be a bit darker, but..." Mel moved uncomfortably on her place. "What if something inside the forest killed him? The map doesn't show people if they're dead. They told us that last year, remember?" She was careful not to mention any names. "What if his body is still in the forest?"
Moody's eyes flashed in a way it made her wince, she didn't know what that look meant, but it didn't look exactly friendly.
"Now, Dumbledore's told me you four fancy yourselves as investigators, but there's nothing you can do for Crouch. The Ministry'll be looking for him now, Dumbledore's notified them. Potter, you just keep your mind on the third task." Then he addressed Mel directly, leaning back on his chair. "And you, Miss Dumbledore, I assure you we know exactly what to do next."
"What?" Harry's brow lifted, spotting what Moody meant. "Oh yeah..."
"Should be right up your street, this one," Moody continued, his mood finally lifting. "From what Dumbledore's said, you've managed to get through stuff like this plenty of times. Broke your way through a series of obstacles guarding the Sorcerer's Stone in your first year, didn't you?"
"We helped," Ron said quickly. "Me and Hermione... and Mel as well."
"Well," Moody grinned. "Help him practice for this one, and I'll be very surprised if he doesn't win. In the meantime... constant vigilance, Potter. Constant vigilance. You two," He looked at Hermione and Ron, "you stick close to Potter, all right? I'm keeping an eye on things, but all the same... you can never have too many eyes out. And Miss Dumbledore," He smiled. "Use that brain of yours and healthy ears, listen carefully to the people around, see if you can catch something of importance."
Mel nodded silently, feeling uneasy and strangely unable to forget the way Moody's eyes had shifted after her comment.
Sirius sent their owl back the next morning.
Hermione read through the Prophet to confirm nothing about Crouch was mentioned, and then the four of them read the letter:
Harry — what do you think you are playing at, walking off into the forest with Viktor Krum? I want you to swear, by return owl, that you are not going to go walking with anyone else at night. There is somebody highly dangerous at Hogwarts. It is clear to me that they wanted to stop Crouch from seeing Dumbledore and you were probably feet away from them in the dark. You could have been killed.
Your name didn't get into the Goblet of Fire by accident. If someone's trying to attack you, they're on their last chance. Stay close to Ron, Mel, and Hermione, do not leave Gryffindor Tower after hours and arm yourself for the third task. Practice Stunning and Disarming. A few hexes wouldn't go amiss either. There's nothing you can do about Crouch. Keep your head down and look after yourself. I'm waiting for your letter giving me your word you won't stray out-of-bounds again.
-Sirius.'
"Who's he, to lecture me about being out-of-bounds?" Harry folded the letter angrily and put it away. "After all the stuff he did at school!"
"He's worried about you! Just like Moody and Hagrid! So listen to them!"
"No one's tried to attack me all year! No one's done anything to me at all —"
"Except put your name in the Goblet of Fire, and they must've done that for a reason, Harry. Snuffles is right. Maybe they've been biding their time. Maybe this is the task they're going to get you."
"Not if I can help it," Mel replied seriously. "I'll be there next time."
"Look," Harry said impatiently. Their usual arguments drastically dropped after their relationship improvement, but could still blow up in times of stress like this one. "Let's say Sirius is right, and someone Stunned Krum to kidnap Crouch. Well, they would've been in the trees near us, wouldn't they? But they waited till I was out of the way until they acted, didn't they? So it doesn't look like I'm their target, does it?"
"They couldn't have made it look like an accident if they'd murdered you in the forest!" said Hermione. "But if you die during a task —
"They didn't care about attacking Krum, did they?" said Harry. "Why didn't they just polish me off at the same time? They could've made it look like Krum and I had a duel or something."
"Because it wouldn't have made sense!" Mel replied sharply. "A fourteen-year-old simply does not have the power to kill another person, Moody told us this. I doubt Krum has it as well, even if his Headmaster has been teaching him some dirty tricks. It would've been messy and not everyone would've believed it. They're waiting for the right time when it can look like it wasn't planned."
"Look Harry, I don't understand it either," said Hermione. "I just know there are a lot of odd things going on, and I don't like it... Moody's right — Sirius is right, Mel is right — you've got to get in training for the third task, straight away. And you make sure you write back to Sirius and promise him you're not going to go sneaking off alone again."
"But–"
"Harry James Potter," Mel concluded in a voice that sounded too much like her mother's. "We're not doing this because we think you're stupid. We're doing it cause it gives you time to learn. If you want to face whatever is out there right now then do it, but you'll die in a second. Now, if you want to face it and live, then you listen."
Harry glared at her.
"Fine," He finally grumbled. "I'll do it."
"My dears," Professor Trelawney started, "we have almost finished our work on planetary divination. Today, however, will be an excellent opportunity to examine the effects of Mars, for he is placed most interestingly at the present time. If you will all look this way, I will dim the lights..."
"I wish she would dim the fire," Mel grumbled, looking at the fireplace with deep loathing. "I'm dying here!"
Once the lights were out Professor Trelawney showed them a miniature model of the solar system. As their teacher started to speak, she felt Harry's body leaning closer to her and when she looked down the boy, slowly falling asleep. Deciding that there was no risk on letting him take a nap, her eyes wandered around, falling on one of the curtains where a pretty insect was making its way up through the fabric.
She found it familiar, but she couldn't quite place from where. The mere thought was silly, an insect was an obvious thing to find familiar, they were all over the school grounds! However, this one had something, she just couldn't place exactly what... Harry groaned in his sleep, Mel barely paid him attention as she ran a hand through his hair to quiet him down so Trelawney wouldn't notice. It seemed to work for a while.
What a bunch of rubbish really, divination wasn't at all what she used to imagine when she was younger, thinking that she could read her future in the stars and guess what steps to take. Nothing was ever that simple.
Wouldn't it be great, though? To be able to read the sky like the centaurs, perhaps there was a way, she just needed to do more research...
What a blessing it was to have the opportunity Dumbledore was giving her, she could satiate all of her doubts and -Harry whined again, this time a bit louder- be wiser than before. She vowed there and then to learn to be patient and to know when the right time for everything was. After all, life wasn't that complicated–
Harry screamed, causing her to almost fall of her chair.
"Harry!"
The boy squirmed in pain until he fell flat on the ground, pressing one hand on his forehead. Mel felt all the blood in her body run cold.
"Harry!" She took a deep breath and focused all her energy into her words. "Wake up!"
Harry opened his eyes at once. She felt the rest of the class standing behind her, his eyes were tearing up.
"You all right?" Ron said from her right.
"Of course he isn't!" Professor Trelawney was beyond excited. "What was it, Potter? A premonition? An apparition? What did you see?"
"Nothing," Harry sat up abruptly. Shaking and affected, he looked around as if looking for something.
"Give him space!" Mel pushed a few legs back. "He can't breathe properly if you're all ogling at him!"
"You were clutching your scar!" Professor Trelawney insisted. "You were rolling on the floor, clutching your scar! Come now, Potter, I have experience in these matters!"
Harry looked up at her, then at Mel. "I need to go to the hospital wing, I think," He said slowly. "Bad headache."
"My dear, you were undoubtedly stimulated by the extraordinary clairvoyant vibrations of my room! If you leave now, you may lose the opportunity to see further than you have ever —"
"Didn't you hear?" Mel asked harshly as she helped him stand up. "He's probably heat stroked thanks to the way you keep us all locked up here!"
"I don't want to see anything except a headache cure," Harry agreed.
"I'll go with you, can't risk you passing out in the middle of a hall..." She replied, picking up her thing as well as his.
"See you later," Harry told Ron quietly as both of them walked out.
"Glasses," Mel said once they were out of earshot. "What the hell did you see?"
"Hang on," He looked over his shoulder and gave her a sombre look. "Wait until we are in Dumbledore's office."
"It's your scar?"
Harry just stared at her, but it was all the confirmation she needed.
Next Chapter —>
Taglist.
@dee123ksha @vampiregirl1797 @siriuslysirius1107 @stardusthigh @mikariell95 @vernon-dursley @thesuitelifeofafangirl @tomshollandz @kylosleftbuttcheek @reverse-hxlland @bloodorangemoonlight @omiwashere @t-rexs-world
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3, 5, 17, 24
<3 <3 These are fun, thank you @themastermindsqueen for the ask!!
3. What is that one scene that you’ve always wanted to write but can’t be arsed to write all of the set-up and context it would need? (consider this permission to write it and/or share it anyway)
- This one is a tough one for me because I’ve been thinking about it since last night. A while, I think it was you? Or someone else I know? Gave me a great fic idea and it ran out of my mind. Something about Elliot and another character getting closure.
I do like the idea of writing a fic where Elliot shares that he was sexually abused by his father, Edward Alderson. I would bring in Darlene and Mr. Robot since they’re so crucial to this. Darlene needs to know, she needs to know the truth about her father. I think it could give Elliot the cathartic healing he needs by sharing his experience with Darlene. She would start to see the truth behind Elliot, growing up as a kid, and the signs Edward displayed as a predator. Elliot would cry and they would talk. Really, Elliot would lean into trusting and sharing with his sister which is something they desperately need. For the both of them.
Maybe this is the fic idea? My gut tells me so. Still, it flutters in mind. It’s not quite the itch! We’ll see in time~~
5. What character that you’re writing do you most identify with?
- I would say Brian Kelly from Gleaming The Cube. I’m such a Christian Slater fan and I’m a wholesome bean. Who doesn’t love teen angst, kindness, warmth, and a bit of rebellion? He’s really such a nice kid trying to avenge his brother’s death, Vinh.
I wish I could hug him and throw him up into the air and shower him with love. Such a good guy, I wish I had someone like that in my life. In-person!
On the MR side, I would say Elliot. But he’s so difficult to write- he’s emotionally reserved and cut off. I usually sway to writing from Tyrell’s perspective because it’s easier for me! He’s irrational, delusional, and clearly has bipolar disorder. In the Mr verse, it’s easier for me to emotionally register into a character like that because I know what’s like to fall apart and have the world you thought you knew to be lost. And he’s grabbing onto a waypoint- Elliot- that he bases his worldview on him. It’s not healthy but luckily we all grow. I’m playing to my own tune and jamming hardcore. *Insert guitar solo*
24. Would you say your writing has changed over time?
Yes! I started off writing through poetry and roleplaying on Tumblr. Writing on AO3 is actually new to me. I’ve shifted from a short plotline to more fleshed out and developed characters. I try and make the world more immersive through sound and the character’s emotional development. I’m still working on the second part, sometimes I want to push things along and get to the more important stuff. But! It’s crucial. Hopefully, people can see that it’s something I’m developing. Maybe I need to publish more fics! I probably do lol. They’re coming along, I needed a break from writing. I want to come back to it. I want to finish the stories I’ve written.
Below: Trigger warning: Sex, rape mention, bloody smut, physical violence/abuse?, scat, hardcore pornography discussion.
17. Do you think readers perceive your work - or you - differently to you? What do you think would surprise your readers about your writing or your motivations?
Yeah! I think my writing gives off a different perspective of myself than what it is. I’m actually a quiet person unless I know you and then I can get very chatty. I’m also very sex-positive (not to drum up drama, I’m not interested in that) but I think the discussion of healthy boundaries is important. Even as writers. That’s why (personally speaking, not a shot at anyone) I don’t write real people fiction smut. I know what it’s like to be on the receiving end of uncomfortable sexual desire and so, for me, this is my personal boundary line. I can write, I can express desire in a way that is also removed from the actors themselves, and they aren’t experiencing uncomfortable feelings unless they go hunting for it.
Other people got their own boundaries and feelings on the matter and that’s okay. They’re valid! It’s just not for me and that’s okay. It works for other people!
On the other hand, I fucking planned to make my Bachelor of Art thesis on pornography and the way women are treated in pornography. And it wasn’t for the faint of heart- I’m talking scat porn, mutilation, beating, and drug use. The question of consent and regulation was a big question posed in my thesis- because when you have a half-conscious, cut up, bleeding person (really regardless of gender here) you gotta wonder why a person would do this for money. What are their circumstances? Is this their independent choice? What does this say about us, the people who consume it? The ones filming it- are they responsible for this person in any way? Is this *waves hand at the content* ethical? What does it do to us- the ones consuming it? Because there is a growing audience for it, and the internet only makes it more accessible. It’s going to go away either, it’s always been there. But what do we do about it? If anything at all?
And it’s all free baby. You can find this stuff through an easy google search and there are hordes of videos. You can even find people fucking dead bodies. Shot, bleeding, and they’re being fucked. Raped? Who the fuck knows!
So, it’s all about the discussion. Everyone has their right to do what they want, but sometimes I step back and go, “Whoa, is this even right?” And listen to my gut feeling. But I also do a ton of research to understand both sides. I’d rather learn and fully understand before I take action and have a hard stance as opposed to shutting something down before knowing more.
Also, this why I’m not trying to stir the pot. I like to talk and understand things. The world is far more grey than we make it out to be. It’s complicated! And that’s okay.
And hey, I’m the one making that content too! It says something about me and that’s okay. I throw guns and hitting in my own smut/artwork. I’m not an angel myself and I’ve consumed some dark content in the name of desire. It says something about me and I’m alright with that. Like I said, I’m not trying to create drama. I have the right to express myself and talk.
Motivations- fuck, I want more shows like MR. Hard, gritty, and rebellious. You can be mentally ill or really, a whole fucking person even in the moments when we feel guilty for being ‘broken’ or ‘crazy’ and still be a person. Mentally ill people can still have desire and do wonderful, powerful things in their life. No one is better than the other. We’re equal.
Also, the show has incredible writing. I don’t want it to end- but I bet you could guess that one, huh?
#ask#writing ask#tyler speaks#tw#tw abuse#tw rape#tw pornography#tw scat#tw violence#im a pandora's box of information#especially in regards to art
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May I have a aot matchup I'm a short girl around 5'2 with long brown hair and eyes and a leo. I like anime,dragons,reptiles,drawing but I'm not good,tarantulas,sweets,video games, memes,dark humor. I am very kind but I care more about others than I do myself. I have bad anxiety. I tend to overthink about everything. I love to sing especially country music but I am tone deaf. I have trouble standing up for myself because I was bullied alot. I can be very blunt. I also love to swear. I can be very loud. I love a good mystery and cop shows. I love dad jokes and puns.I am terrified of bees and heights. I am very lazy but I can be good at doing stuff if motivated. I have a very kind heart and sad stories or ones with very happy endings make my heart happy or hurt like crazy. But even though I'm kind that doesn't mean i am nice all the time. I am extremely grumpy and have a short temper especially on no sleep or if I just woke up. I also do have adhd and some anxiety I dont like being touched randomly unless I know it will happen or if I touch someone. As for dreams I'm not sure I wanna be a voice actor but not too sure if its right for me as I don't know how to edit or even have the equipment. I want someone who can just listen to me as I ramble on about things I love. I want someone to understand that I think differently then normal people. I also want someone to be able to understand im not the most affectionate person but I can be if given time but I will help someone if they are touch starved like I am.
Your Attack on Titan matchup is....
Eren Jaeger!
How does it feel being one of the only people in the world that can keep this crazy mf in check? First off, you guys are super compatible. With Eren being an angry ass Aries, he needs a Leo to balance him out and prevent him from committing literal genocide again lol. You and Eren both share a love for dark humor, and he helps you with your anxiety in any way that he can. Both of you are actually horrible singers, but what do you do? Belt at the top of your lungs to country music at 2am rip yall cause levi is going to tear yall asses up. When you have trouble standing up for yourself, Eren will be right there behind you to step in if he needs to, although he does want you to learn how to defend yourself in case he isn't there to help you. You and Eren will talk for hours on end about the things that you love and both of you are equally invested in the other's dreams. Eren is one of the most understanding when it comes to different views and he will never make you feel less than or inferior because of what you believe! Eren is 100000% touch starved, but he won't mind if you're not as affectionate at first. He's not someone to push your boundaries and will always respect your space. Overall your relationship with Eren is absolute goals.
A/N: I'm sorry if this isn't long enough, ya girl is burnt out and in need of a good night's sleep..but this has been sitting in my requests for a minute so I wanted to hurry and get this out. Sorry if it's bad :(
#attack on titan#aot#snk#shingeki no kyoujin#aot x reader#attack on titan x reader#eren jaeger#eren x reader#eren jaeger x reader#armin arlert#eren yeager#armin x reader#mikasa ackerman#mikasa x reader#levi ackerman#levi x reader#levi ackerman x reader#attack on titan x y/n#aot x y/n#reiner braun#zeke jaeger
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Lynn Gunn’s Honest Portrayal of PVRIS’ Past, Present and Future Plus Details on New LP ‘Use Me’ [Q&A]
Did you know that quicksand cannot really sink your entire body? Hollywood renditions of this frightening occurrence showcase “Indiana Jones” type heroes desperately reaching for a branch or a vine to evade being swallowed whole by the muddy foe. In real life, however, quicksand is much denser than the human body–namely your torso and lungs. So, although you may sink to some degree, you’ll only be engulfed to about your torso region. That being said, to escape the hold of this mucky captor, you’re called to utilize, not a vine or a stick, but a natural aspect of yourself–in this case, the buoyancy of your torso and lungs. Doing so allows you to adjust your positioning so that you are on your back and are therefore more easily able to free your legs and eventually, yourself.
During moments of crisis such as this, it is not often that we think to use what comes most natural to us in order to overcome difficulties. However, as PVRIS frontwomxn Lynn Gunn discovered, tuning into your natural inclinations can be exactly what sets you free.
After battling debilitating health issues, anxieties, and multiple album delays, the refreshingly new album Use Me is here, and it has the empowered LGBTQIA+ artist plastered all over it. From the distinctively raw lyrics, impassioned vocals, dexterous commixture of that classic PVRIS Alternative Rock and new-aged Glitch-pop, and even a 070 Shake feature, this new album is taking everything we thought we knew about PVRIS to much higher heights. Use Me serves as the first release since Gunn followed her heart and came forward as the sole architect behind PVRIS back in March. After listening to all 40 emotion-inducing minutes of this cinematic project, it becomes clear that Use Me is so much more than an album, it is an unapologetic reclamation of power.
We were able to speak with Lynn Gunn before the release of the album and gather her perspective on this new era of creativity, utilizing her natural abilities for this new project, and even on supporting social justice causes.
All quicksand jokes aside, sink into this interview with Lynn Gunn below:
Ones to Watch: Although you’ve been making music for quite some time, this new era seems to be of a new bloom, not only for PVRIS, but for you. As you have stated, PVRIS is still very much a collective, but you have decided to shed the skin of “band culture” and from it emerge as the sole vocalist, lyricists, and creative director of PVRIS. How has that transition been on you all? Are people taking to it the way that you imagined?
Lynn Gunn: I didn’t really imagine anyone taking it any way, to be honest, it’s happening regardless of what others want to say or feel about it. It’s felt great personally and as a unit. I’ve seen mostly support but obviously, with anything, there’s always going to be people with the opposite. At the end of the day, this is what this is moving forward and works best for us, I know my truth and what this journey has been and looked like so far. I’ve seen so many insane and comical theories and conspiracies about the transition/negative comments… but ultimately I think anyone who decides to wastes their energy like that might find their life to be much more enjoyable if they channeled that energy back into their own life as there’s clearly a lack/wound somewhere within themselves. If that seems sprinkled with “shade”, it is, but I mean that with the most sincerity as well.
The saying goes “you can never really outrun yourself”, and from White Noise to Use Me, it seems that you’ve left a bit of a breadcrumb-trail leading us to this point. Although PVRIS has primarily been recognized as an Alternative Rock “band”, we can hear tiny glimpses of the sound that best encompasses PVRIS now throughout your entire discography. Was this glitch-pop, disco-esque sound something you were intentionally experimenting within your previous projects?
To be honest, this is always where I imagined PVRIS’s sound living and the type of production I’d heard PVRIS songs being told through. I think in the past I didn’t fully know how to communicate the little production nuances that would have taken some tracks from point A to B, there was also a fear (that I now regret having) about straying from the “rock” production/experiencing rejection from the “scene” we initially started playing shows and touring in.
For the most part, and I truly mean this, there really isn’t that much of a difference in the instrumentation and sonic choices of this album from the first two, it’s still a very even play of organic instruments and electronic/synths, it’s just being produced through a different lens that’s a bit cleaner, crisper and crunchier in some areas. It’s a new interpretation of the woodwork that’s always been there.
What has kept you motivated to continue creating and sharing your truth with the world?
That’s a great question because I go back and forth with that feeling sometimes… Ultimately seeing comments from fans/listeners and hearing everyone’s stories and ways that they connect to PVRIS’s music is the most motivating thing in the world. I also feel that no matter what type of obstacle course the universe wants to throw me through, I’m always going to be grateful for the bruises/lessons and always going to feel compelled to create and share those truths through music.
I understand you’ve run into a deluge of unfortunate health issues the past few years that have affected you and the band greatly. If you feel comfortable sharing, could you talk a little bit about these illnesses and the ways you have had to overcome the obstacles they brought forth to get you to where you are now?
Totally comfortable sharing! I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease called Ankylosing Spondylitis (AS) about two years ago and then about a year ago was diagnosed with Crohn’s disease. AS is an inflammatory disease that mainly attacks the lower back, hips, and ribs, but it can also manifest in a lot of other ways as well such as joint pain, chronic fatigue, and even eye issues. Sometimes when my AS is really bad, I can barely get out of bed or even roll over in bed. Over time, if not treated properly or managed, it can cause your vertebrae to fuse... I’ve heard that’s super rare though. Crohn’s is chronic inflammation in the digestive tract and is a little more embarrassing but pretty self-explanatory haha…
They definitely taught me (and by taught I mean forced me) to take time in caring for myself and caring for my body. Resting properly, staying in shape, eating super healthy, setting boundaries with work, etc. It’s also just made me really appreciative of the moments when my symptoms aren’t as bad/just happy to be alive and not have it worse. I’m determined to manage both diseases holistically and through integrative medicine, so far I’ve seen great progress.
Do you believe these difficulties aided in your journey towards this self-actualization that listeners are able to distinguish in this new era of PVRIS? If so, how/in what way?
Definitely! There are definitely some references to those difficulties in a few of the songs. I think outside of the music, it’s given a lot more self-love, strength, and patience. It’s also just created even more urgency to live my truth and to live it unapologetically in the way that I want, which naturally extends into PVRIS and the art that I want to make.
youtube
If you had to use one word to describe each album thus far, what words would you use and why?
White Noise - Freshman - everything was so new and exciting and there was so much eagerness with it, like a freshman walking through a high school for the first time haha.
All We Know of Heaven, All We Need of Hell - Bootcamp (haha) - creating it and touring it were both pretty hard experiences BUT incredibly strengthening.
USE ME - Upgrade - despite all the chaos around this release, this is the freest I’ve felt and the most confident I’ve felt about a PVRIS album.
All the visuals and music video treatments that you have conjured up have a strikingly symbolic and cinematic feel to them. However, the symbolism and tone of the music videos tied to Use Me seem to take on a different nature. Can you talk about this shift in creative expression?
Mostly just working with new collaborators (Yhellow, Katharine White and Griffin Stoddard). I feel a lot less precious about things (to a healthy degree) and much more open to letting others run with the concepts as they wish! So many fun new exciting perspectives have been able to shine through.
I know you are a film fanatic and dabble in cinematography. Do you have any staple films that influenced the creation of the last five music videos?
The Holy Mountain was a big influence for the “Hallucinations” video, as well as [for] “Old Wounds”. For “Dead Weight”, I was actually inspired by the opening credits to That 70’s Show and Saturday Night Fever haha.
In July, you announced that the album was being pushed back so as to allow the floor for the amplification of Black voices, and to generate events in support of Black Lives Matter. Do you believe artists have a responsibility to take steps such as these to create a better future, regardless of whether or not these issues directly affect them?
Absolutely. We all need to be educating ourselves and actively doing the work to demand and create change towards a future that’s equal and just for Black lives.
Fans have been clinging to the edges of their proverbial seats waiting for Use Me in spite of all of the justifiable album delays. If you could relay one message to all the fans who have been patiently waiting, what would it be?
Please enjoy/connect, be good to each other and please please please vote if you are able!
Who are your Ones to Watch?
DRAMA, Jax Anderson, HDBeenDope, Royal and The Serpent, Nikki Hayes, Kat Cunning and LEXXE!
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G/T headcanons for the Host Club
Nobody asked but I need comfort fuel and maybe someone else will appreciate this post. This is basically some headcanons about how the hosts would react/behave (in my opinion) with a small reader.
Lets start with the King himself!
Tamaki:
· First encounter would be hell for you considering Tamaki would immediately reach for you and scoop you up in his palm.
· He wants to touch you and pick you up all while being his loud self.
· After seeing your expressions of fear he catches on that you are terrified of him.
· He takes his voice down a couple notches before officially introducing himself.
· He would want to introduce you to the rest of the host club but the moment you tell him you’re not too comfortable with that yet he would understand.
· Suoh thought that commoners lived weird lives but hearing how you lived was like talking to an alien species from a planet lightyears away.
· Tamaki blushes when he feels you cling to his neck while you sit on his shoulder.
· This man would dote on you 24/7 without hesitation. Giving you loving pet names.
· From day 1 Tamaki would feel protective of you…maybe overprotective.
· Boundaries are definitely something you would have to set with him. Picking you up without warning, cheek pokes etc.
· After you explain that his action are uncomfortable he would try his best to be respectful.
· If you decided to live with Tamaki you already know this boy would not hesitate to accommodate any need you may have,
· “Do you need a little bed? Or a wardrobe? Is that blanket too rough?”
· You usually end up sleeping on the pillow next to him. It’s pretty comfortable.
· Overall you feel safe with Suoh.
Kyoya:
· When Kyoya comes across you it feels like a hawk has spotted you. His gaze is so intimidating for a solid minute you just wouldn’t move.
· Unlike Tamaki he would not just reach down to pick you up. This man would crouch down on one knee to try and seem less intimidating.
· “Well, are you going to say anything or just stare?”
· Kyoya would feel awkward about holding you for the first few times.
· “Is this okay? Make sure you hold on tight in case I trip.”
· Once you grow closer with him, you tend to lay across his shoulder and watch him work on budgeting the host club’s finances.
· Kyoya is curious about where you came from and how your life has been so far. He’s a great listener.
· He has notes about your life.
· Kyoya wasn’t too thrilled to introduce you to the host club out of caution for your safety.
· He makes sure while the guests are there you are safe in his coat pocket.
· Every now and then he would give a soft little pat to his pocket just to feel you in it.
· You tend to poke light at Kyoya when he’s feeling down to try and lift his spirits and he appreciates it a lot.
· Anytime you get sick he makes soup (or at the least he has someone else make soup) for you and stays by your side until you feel better.
· One time you woke him up from his sleep and you felt like you witnessed a giant demon hovering over you.
· “It is a good thing you’re cute.”
· Loves flustering your little self for his own amusement.
· There’s a soft side of Kyoya you see that the others do not.
· You make Kyoya feel important whenever you hold on tight to him. All he can think about is keeping you close.
Haruhi:
· She’s shocked to see someone so tiny but out of all the host members she’s the most respectful in the first encounter.
· Kneeling down, she’d ask if you were okay or if you needed help.
· She’d reassure you she means no harm.
· Haruhi keeps you a secret for as long as she can but it would be the twins to find out about you due to how nosey they are.
· She sets up a safe place for you to sleep at her house.
· Anytime you seem uncomfortable with something she does her best to get you out of the situation.
· You’ve managed to get separated in the grocery store a few time, which was equally scary for both of you.
· Definitely fall in love with her cooking even if its something simple.
· Meeting Haruhi’s dad was almost like meeting Tamaki with more questions and less touching.
· Whenever you’re chilling on Haruhi’s shoulder she makes sure to be careful with you and how she moves.
· Introducing you to the hosts was difficult for Haruhi to watch without wanting to hold on tight to you.
· Haruhi trusts in you to not get hurt and out of all the hosts you get the most time to yourself to do whatever.
· “Let me know if they cause you any trouble. They can be a handful 101% of the time.”
· This girl has taught you how to see the positives in life no matter how hard it may be.
· At school you would definitely chill in her bag.
Kaoru
· Kaoru would spot you before you spot him.
· He would definitely lift you up by the collar of your shirt in curiosity.
· It wouldn’t register to him how scary it is for you until you’re either yelling at him or crying.
· He would apologize and set you in his hand.
· Kaoru has a habit of poking your cheek when you’re not paying attention.
· The younger twin wouldn’t rush to tell Hikaru about you but he would not actively hide you from him.
· Kaoru seems more relaxed than his brother which in return makes being around him feel less stressful.
· It would not take long for you to feel safe with this boy.
· Whenever you seem worried or frightened, he would gently reassure you that he would be there by your side.
· “(Y/n) It’s okay, as long as I’m around nothing bad will ever happen to you. I promise.”
· And I mean he barely leaves your side.
· Your safety and comfort would always be on this sweet bean’s mind
· And your clothes. Oh this boy.
· Giving you the highest quality clothes you could ever ask for was almost a priority for him.
· “Do you like how that feels? Is it too costumey?”
· You would have to remind him constantly clothes don’t mean much to you as long as they keep you agile and comfy.
· He would often watch you do your own thing just completely in awe with how you function.
· Kaoru around the others with you I got one word. Possessive.
· I’d say that more than protective because its not that he distrusts the hosts, he just doesn’t want to leave your side.
· “Please be safe. Don’t fall off anything.”
· At times it can be annoying how much this twin feels the need to protect you but he means the best. You talk to him about needing your own space and time and he’ll pout but he will definitely learn to back off and breathe.
Hikaru
· This boy has 2 braincells and handling a tiny human is definitely not something he can do without scaring the daylights out of you.
· “What the hell are you?!”
· Cue this twin holding you by your damn leg in front of his face.
· At some point you have to straight up fuss at him to set you down.
· “Jeez my bad.”
· Hikaru has to learn to be gentle and being around you is hard for him at first.
· “Fuck I forgot you were there can’t you watch where you’re going...Sorry.”
· He has so many questions about everything you do.
· “What the hell are you even wearing? How do you not know what sushi is? Your people don’t have fancy food?”
· When you warm up to him though he doesn’t know what to do with himself.
· Anytime you lean against him all he wants to do is protect you.
· Sometimes he’ll just pull you against him and pet your head until you fall asleep.
· Similar to Kaoru he makes sure you have everything you need to be comfortable.
· Sometimes it takes tough love to get through his thick skull and after dealing with this boys shenanigans for long enough you definitely are not afraid to share your mind.
· Hikaru is a tease though and takes any chance he has to compare you to something small.
· Whenever he gets a smirk on his face you feel a shiver down your spine.
· Hikaru would be the first to give you “fancy tuna”
· Also lots of pranks so prepare your heart for him to pop out of nowhere.
Mori
· The first time you see Mori you damn near have a heart attack.
· He’s not the tallest human you’ve seen but he is definitely the tallest human to personally handle you.
· When he first sees you he freezes. Afraid that he may crush you accidentally with one wrong move. Honestly you had not even noticed the teen behind you until you turned around. With Mori you would be the first one to break the silence.
· Mori cautiously crouches down to hold his hand out to you and is so slow to lift you, you get a little impatient.
· You’re a little uncomfortable being so high up from the ground when Mori holds you but you trust the giant not to drop you.
· As you get closer to him you both begin to open up to each other. His voice is soothing and makes you feel safe.
· Because he is so observant it doesn’t take long for him to notice what makes you uncomfortable, happy, upset etc.
· Mori is good at getting you to talk about how you feel.
· He gives you gentle nudges whenever you seem down.
· “Do you want to talk about it, or do you want a hug?”
· Oh Mori Hugs. Sometimes it was hard to not choose hug each time.
· The other hosts have a hard time handling you without Takashi watching them from wherever he is.
· Gave you a push pin for self-defense because he’s Mori and he cares about you.
· He likes being by your side because he feels like he can be his authentic self with you and trusts you not to judge him.
· 100% loves when you nap on his chest with his hand gently over you.
· Overall Takashi is a huge protective softy and you can not help but feel loved and protected with him.
Honey
· At first you think you’re staring at the face of a kid.
· Honey talks your ear off when you first meet him.
· He asks you so many questions you are not sure where to start or how to answer.
· Mitskuni is super gentle with you and makes sure to take caution whenever you’re on his shoulder.
· He always shares his sweets with you and checks on your comfort.
· Mitskuni may have told the hosts about you as soon as he found you.
· It’s a bit overwhelming trying to catch your breath with Honey’s energy.
· Honey loves to talk to you and about you. Hearing your name puts him in a good mood.
· Honestly you could say he hugs you more than Usa Chan.
· Mitskuni tells you how adorable you are constantly.
· This boy will get you out of your shell so fast.
· He always gets your opinion before doing something so you can feel heard.
· Like his cousin, Mitskuni is super observant of your mannerisms and does his best to not make you uncomfortable.
· He is so good with communication you rarely feel like there is anything you need to hide from him.
· Since he sits on Takashi’s shoulders at time, it can feel overwhelming to be so high up. But you also find it relaxing to not be below everyone.
· At home you have your own space to relax and be by yourself. Honey knows how overwhelming the hosts can be at time and respects that you need your time by yourself.
· Sometimes you literally just sleep on his head since his hair is so fluffy. And speaking of sleep, you’re surprisingly not afraid to wake him up.
· The most he does is glare at you and get over it 20 minutes later. Which you find hilarious.
· He’s the sweetest out of the hosts.
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Grief And The Healing Power Of Music
I find myself in the rather weird position of having listened to three Genesis albums in the last week. I am not complaining, however they are not normally a band I would listen to. As a grown man and consenting adult it would appear I gave myself permission to exercise this choice. Autonomy can be a bind and extremely confusing at times like these.
I am well aware of why this has happened. My Mother died less than two weeks ago and I now find myself revisiting songs, albums and artists from my teenage years. Tully (2017) suggests that music can have a role in helping a bereaved person accept death ‘as part of our everyday lives’ and more importantly, we then find meaning through the experience of grief. I dispute the concept of meaning as for the last fortnight I have felt lost, overwhelmed and more than a little confused. I am aware however that grief is linear, in that, it has stages and we navigate these in whatever order is relevant to each of us. Genesis though?
I haven’t listened to Genesis in a mighty long time. Well why would you? The ‘progressive rock’ movement left a nasty after taste for me, and therefore I ‘progressed’ on to pastures new and genres that gave voice to a political awakening. You might like Pink Floyd, Yes, Camel and Van Der Graf Generator but they left me cold and I never understood the reverence and undying love many of my friends had for this music. I still don’t. The progarchives.com offer that by definition ‘prog’ was “a mostly British attempt to elevate rock music to new levels of artistic credibility” (on-line) and bands at the time tried to push ‘rocks technical and compositional boundaries’. No honestly they did. Honestly.
In 1978 I was already besotted with punk and the clarion call to ‘never trust a hippy’ aimed directly at Richard Branson, or so it felt, owner of Virgin Records, who would and should shoulder full responsibility for the awful Mike Oldfield album, Tubular Bells. I digress though.
Heather Fellows (2020) makes the case, that music can offer ‘a safe space to feel the emotion of loss’. Those three to four minutes represent a beginning, middle and an end where we can bawl, yelp, shout and cry knowing we are contained in that time and space, safe and in turn we have sanctuary. Fellows talks about music being the outlet for the big emotions, arguing “when we listen to music that moves us, it’s hard to avoid our feelings. This can be a good thing” Fellows (2020). Through grief we can lose the sense of who we are and therefore identity can be transient. We are a child, sister, brother, friend, parent and the competing demands of these roles during a time of loss and bereavement can create a whole set of other feelings and a personal agenda which we struggle to reconcile. With this in mind music can reaffirm who we are and more importantly re-establish our spiritual roots, a reminder of self, of purpose and where we came from. Genesis though?
DiMaio (2017) argues that research conducted by O Callaghan (2013) evidences a highly nuanced relationship between people that are bereaved and music. The findings evidence that 70% of people involved felt that music helped them find “meaning and beauty in life” after the death of someone close. Equally people found that music helped confront pain and find meaning at a time when logic felt in very short supply. The participants were able to share stories, memories, thoughts, feelings and insights related to music and grief. In most cases people were able to confront their pain, adapt to loss and continue to develop a bond with the person that has died.
I cannot attribute any of the above to my current on-going audio relationship with Genesis. The 1978 album “then there were three” (Virgin Records) has proved quite a ‘rock’ in terms of support a and mechanism to revisit some of my memories of my Mum and particularly how those are located within the context of our family home. I find myself back in my old bedroom and music seems like the passage and avenue to how I now understand the world.
I would love to claim all those cool cultural reference points that others so frequently throw into conversations when considering their teenage influences. However it’s feels like I was adrift on an ocean all of my own making. Boston, The Electric Light Orchestra, Kansas, Cheap Trick, Sweet, Wizzard, Slade, T.Rex and Bowie, are not really the stuff of the cool kids at the time. Not too sure they are now.
I recently penned a piece regarding the lead singer of Boston, Brad Delp. I now know exactly why. I was readying myself for all that was about to happen. Don’t get me wrong I will stand by that first self-titled Boston album until the day I draw my last breath. However in the context of my Mum’s death I can’t help but feel that Brad, and the rest of the Boston chaps were steadying me, and reminding me that my life is so much ‘more than a feeling’ (Epic Records 1976). I could listen to that album track by track over and over. It’s a soundtrack isn’t it and a gentle reminder of the teenage Brian Mitchell and his Mum. The never ending threats regarding what would happen “if I didn’t turn that racket down’.
Tousley (2017) argues that people have known for hundreds of years that music can touch the soul, and it can heal us in the most profound of ways. It helps us remember the person that has died and it can bring ”balance, peace and harmony back into our lives, even if only for a moment” (griefhealingblog.com 2017) That seems to make sense, right here and now to be fair. I am still not too sure about the Genesis thing though.
As an aside, whilst listening to the album ‘then there were three’ in the car, I pulled up at some traffic lights and became acutely aware I had the widow down and anyone in the immediate vicinity would have heard ‘snowbound’ or ‘scene’s from a night’s dream’ emanating from within the vehicle. Needless to say I quickly turned down the volume and raised the window. I am not that ‘out and proud’ I’m afraid.
For now though I feel connected to my Mum. I always will. In the blog songsoflossandhealing.com the author argues that music ‘speaks simultaneously to both body and mind’ (2021) and that through listening to songs and tunes it allows us to really connect with “the indelible part in you that a loved one leaves in you and allows that part to live on through music” (2021) I adore this. It resonates on so many levels. It also explains the Genesis thing. So messrs Phil Collins, Mike Rutherford and Tony Banks, I’ll follow you, no need to follow me though chaps. I had very little credibility to start with. Don't take what shred of self respect I have now, if that is ok?
Blog dedicated to Joan Mitchell – My Mum
Much love
The Rock And Roll Fool
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