#and I haven't figured out yet how to move past that in order to properly make things more accessible for them
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Anon wrote: I'm a 20 year old INFJ girl. I know you don't like to say what decisions people should or shouldn't make in their lives, but I would like to ask for help to understand what I should do from now on, maybe something for me to reflect on this situation.
A few months ago I entered college and met an INFP girl, we talked about going out after we became friends and we had an exclusive relationship, although without the label of girlfriends. It's been two months since she sent me a message explaining the reasons why she doesn't feel ready for a serious relationship, one of them being the experiences of her past relationships and, according to her, the fact that during our relationship she didn't
She wasn't honest with herself and with me, repressing feelings she likes to feel and suffocating the freedom she has at the moment.
We argued a lot and had conversations that ended in hurt and resentment on both sides. I must take responsibility for this because I let my confused and intense emotions get the best of me and I have become extremely immature and toxic since then, I have done bad things like accusing her, offending her and even suggesting that I would kill myself to make her feel guilty about this.
All of this is tearing me apart, I'm not being able to figure out my life and do the things I need to do to become a better person. I feel like I went back to square one and became the worst version of myself again, I haven't even been able to sleep or eat properly, I spend practically my entire day on my cell phone and when I'm bored I try to torment that girl with things that I know will affect her. -there.
She's fine with staying friends but I don't know if I should go through with it. I want her around, but every time I imagine her getting over this and moving on to the next relationship it hurts me because I want her with me. I tried to block it and stay away but nothing has helped because I always go back on my words and on her.
I don't want to lose her but it hurts me a lot to know that everything ended even though I tried everything to make sure it didn't happen, even proposing other relationship alternatives and listing the things that could be changed. What do I do? I really don't want to give up and leave her.
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Questions for Reflection:
1) What do I want versus what do I need?
Do you know the difference between "need" and "want"? A need is legitimate, universal to all humans, and must be satisfied in order to live a fulfilling life. A want is a path/method of fulfilling a need, but wants are not always legitimate. People who confuse needs and wants often end up chasing the wrong things in life and/or feeling inexplicably unsatisfied whenever they get what they want.
A want is legitimate if it is a positive and constructive way of obtaining what you need. A want is illegitimate when it leads you to destruction or to harm yourself/others, which, in the end, actually prevents you from obtaining what you need. If your want is determined to be illegitimate, then you have a moral responsibility to switch direction or find a different method of obtaining what you need, otherwise, you might do tremendous harm, getting further and further away from living a fulfilling life.
Based on what you've said, what you want is an exclusive relationship with this particular girl. It's impossible because she doesn't want it. Therefore, this is a dead end for you, yet you keep trying to go this way, why? You need something but don't know how to get it. Presumably, if you want an exclusive relationship, you legitimately need things such as romance, companionship, or love. However, the path/method you are using to fulfill these needs is illegitimate, because you are causing harm and actually destroying your chances of establishing a loving relationship, so it is your responsibility to change direction, in whatever form that must take.
If your Ni is unhealthy, you get stuck and fixated on only one way of doing things, which means it's time to zoom out and use Ni more appropriately to look at the bigger picture. Thus, the follow-up is: Clarify exactly what it is you need and then ask yourself, "What is a better and healthier alternative for getting my needs met?"
2) What kind of person do I want to be?
Do you want to feel proud of who you are and conduct yourself in a way that allows you to sleep well at night? As alluded to above, you have moral responsibilities in a relationship. When you shirk those responsibilities, how do you feel? It's not a good way to live, is it?
You speak as though you have little to no control over this situation, yet the negativity that has transpired since the breakup is down to the decisions you have made. When faced with the choice to do the right or wrong thing, by your own admission, you have too many times chosen to do the wrong thing. The question is, why do you choose the wrong way if it's going to make you feel terrible?
Being a moral person isn't easy, otherwise, we'd live in a wonderfully moral world. But being a moral person is essential to feeling like a good, worthy, and whole person. If you want to feel that way, then you need to pause and think before acting, in order to make decisions that align better with the kind of person you hope to be. Perhaps you need to work on your critical thinking skills so that you can think through problems and make decisions more successfully.
3) What kind of partner do I want to be?
You have a problem with emotional regulation and this often coincides with Se grip and impulsive behavior in INFJs. Do you have to act on every feeling and emotion that pops into your head? If your Fe is unhealthy, then you cannot bear to suffer alone, so you make others suffer along with you. This makes you a poor choice of romantic partner (i.e. "toxic") because you can accept violating and harming people. It sounds like you need to work on yourself in two ways:
Improve your emotional intelligence in order to i) learn how to take responsibility for your own feelings rather than inflicting them upon others, and ii) learn to manage intense emotions better.
Improve your boundary setting skills so that you know how to i) separate your feelings from others', and then ii) show proper respect for yourself and others.
I have written about these two topics before and they are both related to essential Fe development, search the tags. There are also recommended books on the resources list. If you're unable to improve these two things on your own, the problem might be deeper than you think, in which case work with a therapist to get to the bottom of it.
Generally speaking, if toxic relationship behavior reaches extreme levels, i.e., it interferes with life in a very serious way and/or does serious harm, it could be a sign of a personality disorder that requires professional treatment. I don't think this is the case for you, but I don't really know you. It's up to you to reflect honestly on the full extent of the problem and reach out for help as needed. The good news is that, as long as a person has enough self-awareness to realize they have a problem, there is always hope for improvement.
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Maybe a bit of a weird WIP question, but I'm curious how much One of a Kind has changed in your head during the 15 years it's been simmering. Has it changed? If so, is it only the as-yet-unwritten stuff, or would you, in hindsight, also retcon some of the already existing stuff? Some of my oldest unwritten story ideas have undergone such metamorphoses over the years that I find it quite impossible to pin them down into one coherent narrative anymore, and I'd be curious to hear your thoughts and experiences on this. Thanks! :-*
aaaaa, thank you! :D :D :D I am delighted to be able to ramble about this ridiculous story (I've posted a bit of the main novel and a bunch of ficlets to AO3) XDDDD
It has changed a bit - it began as three interconnected fanfics, which I then decided to originalify, so I strung them all together, moved the setting somewhat arbitrarily to Manchester, changed the characters' names, filed off the serial numbers, and wrote a lot more stuff. I physically rewrote most of it in the process - I copied and pasted some bits, but retyped a lot of it, and added in a lot of stuff (there was a lot of cohesive stuff that needed adding because it wasn't a fanwork any more so there was all manner of background that needed to go in, for starters). I also changed the order of some of it - going on some advice you gave me, actually, when you very kindly read it over about four years or so ago :D - although that then left me with other issues which I still haven't solved, mostly connecting scenes that I haven't written because I can't work out how/what needs to happen. Rewriting/redrafting is not something I usually do, and I don't really know what I'm doing with it (really I think I need a beta reader with a lot of time and patience who can read it over for me and tell me what needs to happen in the gaps XD ).
I did de-drama-ify a few parts of it - some of the early stuff was cowritten with someone else and they were much more of a one for dramatic pronouncements and traumatic backstories (I think that's where Jack's backstory originated, and now I'm having to retcon and handwave it a bit because some of it is administratively impossible or at the very least implausible - my main excuse is that Jack is not at all a reliable narrator, but I'm still not entirely sure how he's managed to get this far in life without a birth certificate, for example, or without social services knowing he existed...)
The background characters have also come into their own somewhat - not so much Nicky and Lawrie, who still occupy the first bit of the plot because it's based off the first of the three fics, and who then almost vanish from the story as Hal and Jack get more established (I still need to figure out what to do about that XD ), but people like Andy (Hal's bassist), Simon (Hal's brother) and Anita (Hal's ex and the mother of his daughter Natalie), not to mention Hal's grandmother and her crochet club - they definitely have a lot more to say now, and there's also a new background character called Tillie, who I haven't quite worked out what to do with (she's another one who appears briefly and then disappears again).
I've also written various ficlets set in the same 'verse, although after the timeline of the novel (such as it is *hollow laughter*), mostly as part of Writers' Month, and I'm not entirely sure what to do with those, either. The main timeline begins more or less where it always did in the fics, follows the thread more or less through and finishes slightly after the final fic did (mainly because I wanted to write Jack attempting to shop for barbecue supplies, although now it doesn't really finish properly and I should probably just call it quits, split it into about three novels and a set of short stories and have done with it). The main story is about 180k so it's nowhere near appropriate-novel-length, but it also doesn't split conveniently into three 60k sections, so it's not three novels, it's more like two, but they're totally different lengths, and...uh. It's a mess, basically, and every time I look at it thinking I might have another go at it, my brain shorts out and I end up not getting it making any more sense than it did before. I definitely need a hand with it XD It doesn't help that I'm no good with plot, so as soon as I go off-piste into stuff that wasn't in the original fics, I don't quite know what to do with it and it ends up feeling very forced and stilted. As for the as-yet-unwritten stuff, I have no idea what it even is - I don't/can't plan, so although I know I need X scene between Y scene and Z scene, I don't really know what needs to happen, whether it needs to be one scene or two, or five, or three chapters, or...well. Or what. There's a couple of huge gaps that I have no idea how to fill.
Part of me wants to get on and sort it out. And part of me feels like it's far too much like hard work and maybe it's best left where it is. XD
I don't know if that was any help at all?! I am a very unstructured writer, which really doesn't help - outlining and planning are totally outside my capabilities, so when it comes to trying to hammer this monster into shape, I'm totally out of my depth.
And if anyone out there wants to help me wrangle this ridiculous tale of two ex-street-kid musicians with assortedly traumatic backstories and no small amount of baggage into shape...oh god. Please. Let me know. I'm floundering over here. XDDDD
Thank you so much for asking! <33333333 If anyone else wants to ask me about any of my WIPs, the list is here.
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HAUNTED
Pairing: D:BH!CONNOR x HUMAN!READER (gender neutral)
Words: 4.058
Warnings: TRIGGER WARNING! mention of suicide; odd behavior; cursing; hurt - comfort;
A/N: Another day - another request...
I really hope you like it! Thanks again for your idea.
Synopsis: You are a Detective of the DPD and had worked many cases with Hank. Until something went utterly wrong. Since then, you get haunted by your past until you see only one last way out. Luckily, Connor is there to help you.
"You know you don't have to do this.", you said serious.
Sara pulled the wire of the bug underneath her shirt before it got taped on her back, "Yes, but I want to. I have to. I owe it to my sister to do this. She shall find peace finally and like the Lieutenant said, me as her twin, I have the best chance to get this bastard. He doesn't know that she's dead. Therefore, I'm your best chance to get the information you need, Detective."
"Detective..."
"Detective."
"Detective, YLN!"
As if awakening from a deep trance like state, you focused back on reality as your name got called out. Haunted by your typical dark memories, you hadn't even noticed where you were. Slowly, you opened your eyes. The owner of the calm male voice stood on the outside of your car, next to the window of the driver seat, and looked concerned at you through the glass.
You blinked several times. The sun, which already fell through your windshield because it stood so high in the morning sky, made you blind for several moments and as you moved, you noticed your aching back and neck from sleeping in the car in an unhealthy position. Obviously, you had knocked yourself out with booze again.
"Detective YLN, my name's Connor. I'm your new partner. I'm the android sent by CyberLi- I got sent from Captain Fowler to meet you. Rather, he sent me to find you because you missed a meeting this morning. And now, he wants to see you.", Connor said and watched you. Even if he had already learned a lot about human behavior from Hank, there were still some mysteries to solve.
Like: why are you sleeping in a car in a position that harms eighty percent of your muscle tissue through soreness and lets your bones and joints burn like fire when you move?
Or: why are you drunk this early in the morning-
"Hey, tin can! Shut the fuck up!", you shouted.
Connor stared at you in shock as he realized that he had asked the questions out loud instead of just thinking about them. A habit he started with as Hank had left the DPD to retire finally, "I'm sorry, Detective. I haven't notice-"
"Yeah, yeah, yeah... what do you want, Carlos?", you asked, searching for your flask you couldn't find.
"My name's Connor, Detective. And as I said, Captain Fowl-"
"Oh, yeah... the meeting... right. Get in the car.", you ordered and even if Connor was sure that it wasn't a good idea for you to drive in the state you were, he also knew that any kind of discussion would lead to nowhere. He still knew that from his time with Hank.
**
Twenty minutes later, for a way that only took ten minutes usually, you, followed by Connor, entered the DPD which was crowded with androids, policemen and people who were complaining about some uninteresting nonsense. You made your way through all these people, trying to dodge as many colleagues as you could - but of course, one of them caught you. Like always.
"Hey, YN! This is the DPD and not some bar. You won't find any kind of booze around here."
"Just shut the fuck up, Reed! Or otherwise, I will tell everyone that you own some pair of bright pink panties- oh, upsi! My bad!", you called out, gleaming at him with a smirk. Everyone started to laugh.
Gavin stared at you with a hate-filled glance, he was fuming, "Fuck you!", he muttered.
"Oh, sweet. That's all you got, Reed?", you shot back with a grin.
But before Gavin could respond to anything, Captain Fowler stepped out of his office, "Detective YLN! In my office!"
"And? Who's laughing now?", Gavin said with a smirk and winked at you before he left the DPD to do some work.
Connor closed the door of the office behind him as you were inside. You walked over to the Captain's desk to sit down in one of the chairs but even without looking up you sensed the anger radiating from your boss. It was tangible in the air. Without asking, you took one of the fresh glasses on Fowler's desk to throw an aspirin into it. Then, you pulled out the flask you had found finally to fill the glass with a transparent liquid.
Fowler watched you, half shocked and half concerned, "What are you doing?"
"Taking an aspirin, Sir. I have a murderous headache."
"And what was in the flask if I may ask?"
"Vo- uhm... water. Just water, Sir.", you answered before you gulped down the bubbling mixture.
Fowler looked from you at Connor who also seemed to be concerned about the fact that you had mixed pharmaceuticals with alcohol before the Captain looked back at you, "Where have you been this morning? We had a meeting."
You put the empty glass back on the desk, "Oh, yeah... the meeting. I'm sorry, Sir. I was on observation and obviously, I lost track of time.", you explained, leaning back in the chair, waiting for the aspirin and ‘water’ to do its magic.
"Observation, huh? For what case? What's the file number?", Fowler asked, leaning back in his own seat, folding his hands in front of him while waiting for your answer.
"Oh, yeah... the file number. One moment, Sir-"
Fowler slammed his plane hand on the desk's surface that you were jumping in your seat, "Cut this shit, god dammit! You have no file number because you have no current case, Detective! Let me guess, Connor had found you sleeping in your car, right? How many nights had it been this time?"
You kept eye contact but you gave him no answer. You just gritted your teeth and pressed your jaws together.
Fowler sighed, "Listen, YN, you're a great Detective but since the things with Sara happened-"
"No!", you called out, jumping from your chair and stopping the Captain mid-sentence with your sudden outburst, "We won't talk about this!", you said serious before you turned around to let your glance roam through the office with all the busy people, "Alright, Sir. What's the matter with the android? Monitoring what I do and what I don't do?"
"Connor is the former partner of Hank-"
"Oh and now, Hank doesn't want to play with it anymore so you give it to the next screwed up cop you can find?", you asked, turning around to look at Connor with his fancy clothes and neat hairstyle before you looked back at the Captain.
"Hank retired two weeks ago. I thought you knew that.", Fowler said and looked even more concerned at you.
"No, I'm sorry. I didn't get invited to any funny parties nor did I got a notification. But who cares. So, the android's with me then? How long?", you asked emotionlessly.
"It's your partner now. Brief it into your cases-"
You stepped forward, aiming for the door, "Cases, Sir? What cases? You already said I have none.", you pointed out while leaving the office.
Fowler watched after you, not amused about your unpredictable behavior and the fact that you were carrying a gun.
"Sir?", Connor asked and brought the Captain back from his thoughts.
"Yeah... Listen... as you can see YN has a few problems. They used to be a good cop in the past until one of the cases they and Hank had operated went wrong. The anniversary is in two days and I fear... well...", Captain Fowler stopped himself, watching you grabbing a coffee from the kitchen.
"I will keep an eye on them.", Connor said and left the office as well.
*
Connor was surprised how carelessly you were in managing your cases - even if it were just a few. There was nothing special or difficult and yet, you weren't able to file the cases properly, "Detective, this report here, I'm not sure to which case it belongs.", Connor asked as he had read an interview of a woman who had reported her dog as missing. Added to that, the interview was part of a file about an armed theft in the heart of the city. There was no connection at all to these two cases.
Without looking up, you took a folder from your desk to hand it over to Connor, "Yeah...here. That's the case you're searching for."
Connor took the case and skimmed through the pages several times before he looked at you, frowning, "Detective, this is a file about a stolen android.", he pointed out.
"Yeah, just ... put the page in this file. I'm sure it will be right.", you said, ignoring the android's expression.
"Detective, I'm not sure-"
"Excuse me, I need some more coffee.", you cut him off, standing up to aim for the kitchen with your mug in your hands.
"And I thought Hank was challenging.", Connor whispered under his breath and shook his head while he still tried to figure out which pages were parts of which cases.
"You're a murderer, Detective! That you still think yourself as worthy enough to call yourself a cop is way out of my understanding!", a jarring, female voice echoed through the office and drew the attention of everyone to her and to the person that stood in front of her - you.
Connor craned his head to watch the scene like everyone else did. But while the attention of the others was because of curiosity and spitefulness, Connor watched you and your bodily reaction to the woman's accusations. You stood there like a timid fawn. The cockiness you presented before seemed to be gone completely. Your heart rate increased, you were shaking and your eyes became big as if you were intimidated by the woman in front of you. The woman stepped even closer and Connor watched, surprised, that you stayed where you were. Easily, you could have escaped the unknown woman and yet you stayed rooted to the spot.
"Because of you I lost both of my daughters! I already have lost the one and yet, you thought it would be fair to take the other away from me as well!", the woman screamed erratic, tears were already running down her cheeks but she was still not able to stop herself and no one else was brave enough to step into the scene, "You and your partner will pay for what you have done! You will burn in hell for that!"
"Chris! Escort Mrs. Mason into my office!", Captain Fowler ordered and stopped the woman's outburst even if it was a bit too late.
Connor saw tears building in the corners of your eyes. Quickly, your glance scanned the area but the only way you could find was the way out. You aimed for the precinct's main entrance to leave the building in a hurry. Connor followed you. He ran through the office and left the building as well but as he stepped onto the pavement you were nowhere to be seen. Like a ghost, you had vanished between all the other pedestrians.
**
Hank had just taken a new beer to watch the next half of the Detroit Gears game as someone rang his doorbell. In the penetrant way how this person used his doorbell and the way how Sumo reacted, Hank knew who the visitor was, "Connor, hey. What are you doing here? It's a bit too early to go for a walk with Sumo.", the older man said but he already saw that something else was bothering the android.
"Yeah, actually, I'm not here because of Sumo.", Connor said.
Hank let him in and Connor came straight to the point that kept him busy, "One year ago, you and Detective YLN had a case together. But something went wrong. What exactly happened? I couldn't find the case file."
Hank frowned, "Why do you ask?"
"Captain Fowler teamed me up with Detective YLN because of the anniversary of this case. He's concerned about the instability of their constitution."
Hank shook his head. He missed working with the android but he didn't miss the long-winded explanations of him. Then, suddenly, he became serious again, "Instability, huh?"
"Yes. They seem to be so unpredictable in their behavior that Captain Fowler fears something worse will happen because the anniversary would be in two days. I ... I found them this morning sleeping in their car.", Connor explained with a frown.
Hank raised his brows in surprise and at the same time, he felt worried, "YN and I, we... In the past, we worked together on some cases. Well, that changed with our last case. Lynn and Sara Mason.", he said slowly, feeling the pain stinging his heart as he remembered what had happened one year ago.
"Why couldn't I find much about it in the archives of the DPD?"
Hank stood up from the couch, walking over to the book shelf to pull something out that was hidden between his several jazz vinyl. He walked back to Connor, offering the android the case file but stopped as Connor was grabbing for it, "You just can find the basics of this case because I kept it printed. Some wounds are so deep, it's better if not everyone is able to find a tool to reopen them all over again.", he said and gave Connor the file finally.
***
The next day, Connor drove again to your place and was happy to see that you weren't sleeping in your car again. As he knocked at your door, you opened him with a smile. You had taken a shower, your hair was still damp and your clothes were all fresh and clean. Connor noticed that you weren't accompanied by the scent of alcohol and he even couldn't smell anything in your breath as you talked with him.
"I... I want to apologize, Connor. Our start yesterday wasn't the best. I'm looking forward to working with you. I'm sure we will make a great team."
Connor knew you just one day, not enough to understand a person completely, and yet he had the strange feeling of something going on that occupied his mind suddenly by the way you acted.
"Oh, can you call a taxi?", you asked while sipping on your coffee.
"What happened to your car, Detective?", Connor asked surprised while ordering the vehicle.
You smiled at him, "Oh, I sold it. I will have no use of it anymore. And please, call me YN."
To Connor's surprise, your behavior stayed kinda strange even if he couldn't say what it was exactly. You and Connor went early to the DPD. On your way in, you talked with colleagues. You joked with Chris and as Gavin entered the kitchen, you pressed a cup of coffee into the Detective's hand which left him utterly confused.
Gavin stopped Connor by stepping into his way, "Hey, tin can. Is this coffee drugged or what is going on here?"
In the way Gavin looked at Connor, the android noticed real unease, "No, Detective. The coffee is not drugged or anything. I guess others would call it 'tasty'. You can drink it.", he said but looked frowning at you. As Connor left Gavin, the green-eyed man was still sniffing suspiciously on the hot liquid as if the mug might contain acid instead of his most favorite beverage.
Connor went back to the desk opposite of yours and was surprised to see how you cleared out the different pages of the case files. Several small piles were lying in front of you while you tried to bring them into the right order and to collate them.
Later that day, Connor was puzzled as you went to the Captain to apologize to him as well as you had done it with Connor in the beginning of the day. You apologized for your behavior the day before and of all the past weeks, "I know I did a few things wrong, Captain. But I promise to change that in the future. In fact, the change will happen soon and then, everyone will be pleased with me again.", you said before you took your jacket to leave the precinct.
Connor looked at the Captain and saw on the man's face what he was thinking: strange.
‘Strange’ was the only word Connor could find to describe your work day even although you were acting practically perfect. You were nice. You had sorted your cases. You had apologized for your behavior. And yet, something was odd. Something felt wrong. Connor sensed that something was ... going on. But he couldn't put his finger on it. So, out of instinct, Connor followed you and drove to your place with a taxi.
As he knocked at your door, you opened, smiling at him and dressed in a bathrobe, "Oh, Connor, hey. What is it? I just wanted to take a bath."
Surprised, Connor looked at you. He was sure you had taken a shower this morning so there was no need to take a bath and then, he reminded himself that he still had not much knowledge about humans and their several oddities, "Yeah, I ... I just wanted to ask if everything is alright, Detective.", he said honestly.
You smiled at him, "Of course, Connor. Everything is more than alright. I just need some time to relax and tomorrow, everything will make sense to you and the others. Thanks for checking on me, that means a lot to me. Goodnight.", you said and closed the door.
Connor stared at your closed door for several moments before he stepped slowly back to walk down the hallway. Since he turned deviant, Connor's systems needed a bit longer to process information - not much, it were just seconds, but sometimes that could be more than enough.
As Connor was still connecting the different dots and hints you had spread the whole day, Hank called him, "Connor! Where are you?"
"I'm leaving YN's place. They want to take a bath. Why? What's the matter?", Connor asked as he sensed the slightly concerned undertone in Hank's voice.
"You have to go back, Connor! Go back to them! YN hates to bath!", Hank demanded worried.
Even if Connor was confused, he turned around, walking back the way to your apartment, "Hank?"
"I just got a letter from YN. It got brought by a delivery man. It's a handwritten suicide letter. Hurry and stop them!", Hank ordered.
Connor ended the call, hurried down the corridor and without knocking, he broke down the door of your apartment. Quickly, Connor ran through your small apartment, already seeing the door of your bathroom ajar. He stormed into the room and the second his eyes landed on you lying in the bathtub with the razor blade between your fingers, he was by your side, taking the blade away to throw it into a far corner before you could even cut. Slowly but demanding, Connor dragged you out of the water, took a towel and laid it around your shaking frame because you already were ice cold. Obviously, you had filled the bathtub with cold water to support a fast sleep while your blood would have drained from your body after the cut.
You were screaming and yelling for Connor to let go of you. You demanded the razor back and that he should leave your apartment but Connor ignored everything. You punched against his chest with your fists but Connor stayed unimpressed, determined to save your life. With a strong grip, he wrapped you into the towel and also laid the bathrobe around your shoulders before he guided you out of the bathroom. You were still struggling in Connor's arms to get free. All you wanted was to end what you had started. Desperate, hot tears were running down your cheeks as you were crying violently about the fact that you were still alive. Alive and alone with the memories which were still haunting you like mean demons.
Connor placed you on the couch, sitting next to you and wrapping his arms around your frame to give you even more support and comfort while you cried against his chest, "Please, just let me die...", you cried out between two heavy sobs.
"No, Detective. I have to refuse your request."
"Cut this 'Detective' shit. Just call me YN, god damnit.", you whimpered helplessly because now, everything was just worse than you had expected. You had planned everything and yet, the android was there to destroy your neatly made plans, "What are you even doing here, Connor?"
"Hank received your letter and called me right on time."
You leant closer against Connor's chest with closed eyes, seeking the android’s presence while cursing about yourself, "Hell, the letter. I should have changed the delivery time to a later one. Then, everything would be over. All the pain. All the guilt. All the haunting.", you breathed with a sad voice.
Connor tightened the embrace around you even more, "It's about Sara Mason and her sister, isn't it?", he whispered softly, placing his chin on top of your head to enclose you even more.
You nodded, not surprised that Connor already knew it, "Yeah... it's my fault that Sara died. It's my fault that her mother lost both daughters.", you cried out, clawing into Connor's white shirt with your fingers.
"Well, I read the file. Sara came up with the idea to get bugged and to infiltrate the drug dealer who had killed her sister Lynn. I mean, the idea was good. It was just bad luck that the dealer already knew about Lynn's death and looked right through the façade you and Hank had planned.", Connor said softly. To calm you even more, he stroked soothingly over your back with his hands.
You leant back to look into the android's face and for the first time, you noticed the incredibly intense, brown color of his soft eyes, "Y-you don't understand. Not even Hank knew that but Sara didn't come up with the idea to get bugged on her own. I dropped this idea as I was alone with her and manipulated her to think it was her own idea. I mean, how evil can someone be to do this, huh?", you asked, closing your eyes about this painful memory.
Connor cupped your face, knowing that humans needed physical contact to feel secure and safe and he wanted to provide you both as well as he could. He was glad to see that you opened your eyes again and that you stayed where you were, "Listen, neither you nor Hank nor someone else could have known every single possibility in this case. The idea was good. The Captain said the same in his official statement. But ... Look, kid, sometimes bad things happen, and you can't do anything about it.", he said softly.
Through a sob of new tears because Connor was the first for a very long time that was caring about you this much, you chuckled low, "Have you... did you just quote the Lion King to cheer me up?"
Connor looked slightly caught with a sheepishly smile playing around his lips, "Yeah... Hank said I should improve my knowledge about pop culture. I binge watched all the Disney movies I could find last week. I thought this quote was suitable... Or did I have done it wrong?"
You chuckled a bit more about his innocence and strong will to help you, "No, it was pretty good. Thanks for... you know... thanks for being here with me.", you whispered low, feeling your cheeks reddening.
Connor leant back on your couch, bringing you close to his chest so you could snuggle against him, "I'm your partner now, YN. And partners are looking out for each other. You can count on me no matter what it is.", he said softly and after five minutes where he just stroked comforting over your back, he noticed your even breathing that told him that you had fallen asleep. Hank called and without making too much noise, Connor briefed his former partner that you were alright.
You were still alive. You still had a long way to go to leave your haunting ghosts behind but Connor was sure you would make it. You were strong enough to do it - and he would be by your side to support you as promised.
#detroit become human imagines#detroit become human connor#rk800 x reader#dbh connor x reader#connor#detroit connor#connor rk800#dbh connor#rk800#detroit rk800#dbh rk800#rk800connor#detroit become human rk800#male reader#female reader#gender neutral reader#hurt comfort
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Future Self Pick a Pile
What does your future self have to say to you?
Remember that this is a general reading and some things may not apply to you. Do not try and force it to fit. If you would like a personal reading I am currently offering free readings. Dm me if you are interested!
Pile One (Fuchsite):
Who are you currently?
The Chariot:
You are constantly striving to achieve your dreams. Constantly on the move, never stopping for anything. You are extremely strong-willed and fearless. Despite not yet fulfilling all your dreams, you are confident nonetheless.
What does your future self have to thank you for?
Temperance:
Since you are constantly striving for success, you don't have time to strive for happiness. You instead live a life of contentment. This is good. The degrees of happiness fluctuates, but contentment is a state of equilibrium, which means there is less risk of things going wrong. Your future self wants to thank you for this. Your constant state of equilibrium has helped you become who you are meant to be.
What does your future self want you to focus on?
Emperor:
Emperors are in charge, and they are surrounded by people who listen to what they have to say. Your future self says that you need to focus on taking charge and being in control. Your future self is showing me that you are in a position of authority and that you should practice being a boss now in order to improve your leadership skills for the future.
Page of Swords:
The Page of Swords is a signal that someone in your life does not have your best interest at heart. They are spying on you in order to feed the people who do not like you. Your future self wants you to pay attention to this, to concentrate on finding out who it is; if you know who it is then you can either try to free yourself from that person or fix the relationship. Note that this person does not have to be literally in your life; they can also be someone who follows you on social media.
What does your future self want you to cut out?
Ten of Pentacles:
From the energy I feel coming from you, I get the impression that you are a person who, yes, keeps moving toward their dreams of success, but you are also always changing what you view as successful. You never stop to realize that who you are right now is who your past self never dreamed you could be. You need to realize that your future self does not recommend this mindset. It's important to slow down and realize what you've accomplished.
Some advice your future self has for you:
Queen of Wands (reversed):
If the Queen of Wands is reversed, it indicates someone who is demanding, vengeful, jealous, selfish, and a bully. In your life, perhaps you know someone like this, and your future self wants you to let this person go since you know deep down that this person isn't healthy for you and shouldn't be in your life, so now's the time to do so. Some of you don't know who this person is, which means that your future self wants you to know that if you don't heed their advice, you will become this person.
Oracle:
Storm:
Every hurricane has an end, says this card. Your future self is telling you that you should maintain your equilibrium and not stress too much about whether you will succeed or not. If anything bad happens in the future, your future self wants you to know that you will get through anything that comes your way.
Shark:
In this card, the message is that you need to get out of this situation quickly. When you hold the mentality that you are constantly striving for success, you will never allow yourself to slow down and realize that where you are now is what your past self could never have imagined.
Pile Two (Amethyst):
Who are you currently?
Eight of Wands:
Currently, you are highly motivated to achieve your goals, and you aren't afraid of change. You are moving through life very quickly. Your motivation comes from your excitement about what lies ahead. Additionally, you may have noticed that your communication has been much better lately than it has been in the past. You're more motivated to write, post on social media, and respond to emails.
What does your future self have to thank you for?
Queen of Swords:
This Queen doesn’t let anyone walk all over them and everyone around them knows where they stand with them. Those are the qualities that define you. Being an advocate for yourself and making sure you are treated properly are two of your strengths. Your future self wants to thank you for that.
The Lovers:
Given that you know what kind of treatment you deserve, it makes sense that you love yourself. The most important thing is to love yourself. In your eyes, if no one likes you, then it is okay because you love yourself. Because you give yourself that kind of love, you know what kind of love you deserve. Your future self wants to also thank you for that.
What does your future self want you to focus on?
Ace of Cups:
Since you know what kind of love you deserve, you refuse to settle for less which is great, but you have reached a point in your life where you believe no one will ever be what you need, so you have stopped looking. Your future self wants you to start looking again because there is someone out there that will give you the love you deserve. According to the energy I'm receiving from them, you will find someone one day who makes you happy and loves you the way you deserve. They don’t want you to give up on love because you may miss out on this.
What does your future self want you to cut out?
The Sun:
Presently, you think that only you can make yourself happy, and that is not a healthy way to live. Let other people make you happy because that's what your future self wants. It is not necessary for you to be the only one in your life. It is okay to let others in.
The Well:
This goes along with The Sun. Taking care of yourself does not necessarily mean you're the only one doing it. It's okay to let other people into your life. It is okay to let other people care for you.
Some advice your future self has for you:
Eight of Cups:
Your future self wants you to let go of the idea that you only have you in your life and that is how it will always be. They want you to accept others into your life, accept love from others because others can give you the love you deserve it doesn’t have to always be you.
Two of Pentacles:
They want you to have a sense of balance in your life. Although you have been alone for so long and that is what makes you happy, there may still be a part of you that hopes someone will break through your walls and make you happy. The problem is that you never allow anyone into your life, so this never happens. According to your future self, you need to find balance, and the best way to do this is to slowly let people into your life.
Oracle:
Feast:
This card urges you to slow down and enjoy your life. You've been living life so fast and focusing on making yourself happy that you haven't realized how much you have accomplished. You are constantly on the move trying to fill the void that you do not realize how much you have accomplished for yourself. It is important to your future self that you slow down and acknowledge how far you have come.
Escapist:
This card's message is to come home to yourself. You have been running for so long trying to fill your void that you don't even realize where you are now. Take a break from that constant running and recognize that you don't have to fill that void constantly by running, but taking a break can fill it too.
Pile Three (Amazonite):
Who are you currently?
Five of Pentacles:
Currently, you are going through a very dark period. There have been many sudden losses for you, and this has made you very depressed. The last few months have been tough for you and you haven't felt like yourself because of it.
What does your future self have to thank you for?
Seven of Swords:
No matter what you've been through in your life, you've never let it stop you. No matter what happens, you continue to fight and stand your ground. As the card of betrayal, you may have had someone in your life who was not healthy for you, they did not treat you the way you deserved. Your future self wants to thank you for being so strong and overcoming all of your struggles.
What does your future self want you to focus on?
Knight of Wands:
The card of enthusiasm. Although your future self knows that you have endured a lot in your life, they say that now is not the time to give up hope because you will get through this. Your focus should be on finding enthusiasm for your life again, that's what they want.
What does your future self want you to cut out?
Seven of Wands:
The Seven of Wands is the card of fights. Someone in your life is causing you a lot of drama. You should cut this person out of your life, according to your future self. They say they are not healthy for you and that your life will be much better when they are not around.
Some advice your future self has for you:
The Sun:
It's time to find happiness again. The most important thing is to figure out what makes you happy right now and to allow yourself to feel that happiness because yes, you have been through a lot, but that doesn't mean you don't need happiness because you do.
Oracle:
Homeward:
This is the card that tells you to take yourself out on a date. To love yourself in the way that you deserve because you do deserve it. Take care of yourself right now. Do something that makes you happy. Do a self-care night, run a bath or shower, lather yourself up in some nice smelling lotion, and put some comfy clothes on. Watch a movie or tv show that you have always wanted to.
Sun:
The sun can always be painted back into your sky. It is up to you to discover and pursue your own happiness. It is not necessary to live in sadness forever. Remember that good mental health is a journey, not a destination. You can get through this, and there will always be things that make you happy. All you have to do is figure out what they are right now. Finding something new to make you happy will assist, it doesn't need to be what made you happy in the past.
Though tips are not required, they are very much appreciated. Thank you!
Venmo: @ aphrostarot
Paypal: paypal/aphrostarot
#tarot reading#pick a pile#pick a card#spirituality#divination#astrology#aries#taurus#gemini#cancer#leo#virgo#libra#scorpio#sagittarius#capricorn#aquarius#pisces
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Little Red Elf
Thor X Reader
3174 words
This is longer than intended and quite different than requested and I have no excuse than my lack of discipline but I hope this is good enough
You are seriously thinking about investing on a security camera.
No, it wasn't that you were worried about being robbed. It's was being, 'gifted'.
In an almost daily basis, different items would make it's way to your doorstep. Black roots, hyacinth, hellebores, poppies and other herbs that would usually not grow around the area. It was nice, that was the first thought you had. You were no Circe, the great witch of Aiaia, but such ingredients could and did help greatly with your draughts. So as much as this occurrence should startle you, you brushed it off as the doing of one of your friends working for Lord Osanyin who would usually send you samples of anything new. You figured business was just doing better than usual for her to give you this much.
Two weeks, it continued on. When you rise for the day, there would be a neatly placed bundle of herbs or plant on your front steps. Always perfectly centered. And for two weeks, you accepted each and everything in such giddiness.
That is until you until today.
"I haven't been given you anything, (y/n)," She turned away from the selves she was organizing and continued, "it's been pretty busy lately for the last month with the arrival of new supply from Asia."
Her answer gave you a sudden feeling of uneasiness.
"Then who," your voice trailed, dragging the weariness and alert in the air. Your friend was quick to catch the shift of your mood.
"But think about it," she placed the bottle she was holding and walked towards you, "those herbs are rare and what are the chances of a random miscreant obtaining it?"
It eased your nerves a bit to hear her words.
"Or maybe, you finally have an admirer even if your always holed up in your home!"
She laughed at the jesting glare you sent.
"Like you're any better, cat lady."
"Hey! Having four cats does not count as being a cat lady!"
"Sure, whatever you say."
You shared a laugh, the tension thinning out. After saying a few words, she went back to the counter to pack the herbs that you bought, the reason why you were there in the first place.
"You bought quite a lot. What is it for anyway?"
"Loki wanted some draughts to "bring entertainment around this damn boring halls", his words not mine."
She laughed, commenting how it sounded just like him. She handed you the carefully packed products, with a small purple ribbon tied on the basket as she always did for you.
Just as you're about to leave she called out.
"If you're still disturb about the whole mysterious gifts, why don't you try staying up to see who it is?" You thanked her for her suggestion and concern and with a wave, headed back home.
To say the least, her suggestion was not very successful.
After you went home, you got started on the ordered draughts and by the time the moon greeted the sky, your eyes were already heavy. Being stubborn, you stayed sitting in your kitchen, chair facing the window to see if anyone or anything would past by.
The minutes were slow and before you knew it, the sun has reclaimed its place. And there was yet another gift. A freshly uprooted crab apple tree that barely passes as an adult. How in the world did they get this one?
Another week fast approached and the gifts arrived just as fast. Cornel bark, elecampane, silver fir, the list goes on. Each night, you attempt to desperately stay awake to catch but a glimpse would always end up with you succumbing to sleep. It didn't matter if it was for hours or a mere minute, by the moment your eyelids flutter open, it was already there. Perfectly centered as always, in an almost mocking way.
"You missed us again", you could hear the ridicule from it.
As days flutter, the gifts and your frustrations would only intensify. One time it was antlers from a dear Australia. The other day it was the tusk of a bore. Yesterday it was the blood of steed. The last one made you panic a bit, but thankfully in came only in a small vial. It eased your nerves, albeit slightly that the animal was minimally harmed.
You tried sleeping in the morning so that so that you could roam at night. But when you rise from your chair for a drink or to go the toilet, the sneaky bastard have already placed another gift. You went as far as sitting on your doorstep for the whole night, but even that didn't help. The gift was on your window.
You were at your wits end with this "Persistent Santa" shenanigans (it was your friend who called them that. It was that or creepy-pile-of-dung-that-had-to-much-time). Whoever they were, they are good.
You sighed tiredly again, the dark bags proving Your fruitless efforts.
"Wow, you look miserable!" You silently snapped at the voice, too sleepy to argue but to proud to ignore it. His laugh was laugh, always happy to see others demise.
"Just give me the money, Loki." You impatiently thrust the basket full of draughts to him, eager to leave and maybe sleep for a few days.
"Aren't you greedy." The more he teases you, the more punching him right in the face became an increasingly good option. As if reading your voice, he raised his hands in mock surrender.
" I would pay you, but," he dragged his voice as floated closer to you, "I dont have my money right now. And the old man is calling me so can you wait a few minutes for me?" He smiled, oh-so-mockingly sweet at you.
A tomato would have been jealous of the tint of your check. The itching call for violence is now an unignorable howler. But before you can give in, the god of mischief is already pushing you into one of the rooms, claiming your silence as agreement. In a blink, you were in a well decorated room. The walls were cream in color and golden leaves decorated the corners. Threre were shelves of book against one side of the wall and-
"Wait a minute." Snapping out of your trance, you shouted, voice filled with vile, "Loki!"
But sadly, it came too late and the door have already been shut and only his feint mocking voice telling "enjoy!" Was heard from the other side.
You could sighed, pity for your own predicament. Moving towards one of the shelves with a colorful string of curse words following, you might sa well entertain yourself with something. The books were more old, and probably cost more than your soul. Each one was placed neat and organized, neither a speck or spot of dust could be seen. But one particular book caught your eye.
With a gentle finger, you traced the gold imprints on its spine.
Herbs, Medicine and Witchcraft
Unlike everything else, this one book was placed different. It was pulled slightly forward, as if recently placed back but someone else other than the organizer. When you pull it out, you also noticed the small, almost miniscule dirt on its cover. But other than that, it was nothing special.
"I didn't think they'll have this kind of book."
You sat down and flipped on a random page. It was filled with information about different plants that can be used for both medicine and, surprisingly witchcraft. It included their typical use, characteristics, side effects and their locations. And it was very specific too.
"I wonder if I can borrow this."
Page upon page was flipped, despite the fascination dwelling in you, drowsiness became unbearable. It was just so quiet and peaceful here. Maybe a few minutes won't hurt, right?
"Loki will be there for a while anyway. Might as well." Your reasoning seemed to make sense with your tired eyes and you rest your head. Not even bothered by the fact that you used the book as your pillow.
It'll just be few minutes anyway.
It wasn't a few minutes.
Slowly, your eyelids fluttered as consciousness begin to come back. You sighed contently, that nap certainly helped with your mood. You buried your nose deeper into the soft cloth you leaned on and inhaled. It smelled like fresh lilacs and the sun.
Wait, cloth?
You lifted your head and saw, indeed there was a neatly folded cloth on the place of the book. It was pale apricot, almost faded white and now that you are looking properly, it was a short robe?
"I starting to think you were not going to wake up."
Do you know the sound of a startled walrus with a respiratory disease? Imagine that, but worse. That how you sounded as you whipped your head in surprise to the voice. Right beside you was the god of thunder himself, Thor. The difference in size between him and the chair he was resting on was almost comical. You would have laughed if it wasn't for the fact you want to live a longer.
"He-hello Thor-sama." Damnit, what did you stutter?
He casted his eyes sideways to acknowledge your greeting, glacing right back into reading afterwards.
Looking yourself, it was then you noticed the book he was reading was the one you were previously sleeping on.
"It didn't seem like you were using it," his voice was monotone as for usual, "aside as a pillow, that is."
Ahh, the sheer pleasure of being swallowed by the ground right now would be nice.
"Ah! That- I! Yes..." You simply stared at your lap instead, fist clenched tightly on top. Better to stay quiet that to embarrass yourself further.
Thor was in between being an acquaintance and a work friend. Neither of you talked much, aside from greetings and small talk but was more than used to his presence with the number of times you had to deliver things to Loki, enough so that you don't have to tremble everytime you meet.
But sitting this close, in a close space, alone, this was definitely the first time.
And it'll be the last if you're not careful.
The silence was suffocating, for you at least. You have almost jumped in your sit when he flipped a page in the book.
A minute passed and you are so closed to jumping out of the window. The room was too quiet. Making small talk won't be bad at times like this right?
"It's a nice book."
Wow. If you could, you would have hit yourself in the back of your head. Great thinking, really.
He merely nodded and the silence dragged once again.
"There's a lot of useful information in it."
Stop, just stop. Please stop digging your own grave.
"That's why it's a shame to be drooled on."
"I do not drool!"
In the distant, the sound of funeral bells rang clear in your head. The life you lived was good. Your friend will remember what flower you wanted to be placed on your coffin, and she can have your house, maybe even your-
Before you could complete your will, you heard a smallest of chuckle from the other god.
Huh?
You stared at Thor and sure enough, there's the tiniest arch in his lips. His eyes remains on the pages but - shit - has he always been this pretty?
Between the brief greetings and quick glances, it was hard to appreciate his beauty. Though mostly blank, his face was clear and smooth. Not a single blemish as one might expect from a god who knew battlefield as his home. He was no Aphrodite nor comparable to Paris, but he himself held a beauty of his own. You couldn't quite decide on if it was the light from the window or it was simply him that was glowing?
His neck flexed in the smallest notion as he read. The muscles of his shoulders were relaxed against the table.
Heavens. Those muscles.
You blushed on your thoughts. You tear your eyes away from his physique, the wooden table suddenly very interesting.
"It is rare to see you without Mjolnir, Thor-sama."
"I don't bring him when I read."
"Him?" The question lingered on your head. Was Thor one of 'those' people?
"Do you read often?"
"No."
"Are you interested in herbal medicine?"
"No."
"Is that so?" Your answer was awkward just as the air around you. But to the very least, the tension have eased out knowing that he didn't obliterate you so far.
"Um, Thor-sama?"
Curse you and your need to fill in the silence.
"May I ask why you are reading a book about witchcraft? You do not seem the type to be interested in it." Realizing what you said was potentially insulting, you quickly apologized, eyes wide as you tried to explain. "Not that you don't look like it! What I mean is, um, - that." You stumbled over your own words with nervousness but he simply kept his eyes in the book, barely even glancing at you.
"... give you." His voice made you stop with your gibberish. Catching only the tail-end of his words, you looked at him questioningly. Only then did you realize that it has almost been a minute since he flipped a page, almost as if your question startled him as well.
"Ma-may you repeat that?"
There was a short pause before his answer came.
"So that I know what to give you."
Furrowed brows and confused eyes marked your features.
"So that I know what to give you."
His words repeated in your head, like an stubborn echo inside a cavern.
"I know what to give you."
"Give you."
"Give."
Oh shit.
"You're the Persistent Santa?!" The chair you previously sat on collided with the floor with a loud "thud". Hands planted heavily against the table, you casted accusing eyes to him.
Before any other words were uttered, your senses made its way back to your head like a harsh slap of water. You just yelled at the strongest Norse god. You might as well have dug your own hole and painted your tombstone.
But all fear and confusion left you as you stare at the fore mentioned god. He was not glancing down anymore but instead his eyes found its place opposite of your direction. And if one would look close, really intently stared, the faintest of red could be seen blooming in his cheeks.
"He-he's blushing."
Thor is blushing.
"You shouldn't be shouting here." His voice did not have the same air of threat and authority it usually holds. If your ears were right, it almost sounded like he was embarrassed.
Silently picking up the fallen chair, you sat down with your eyes burning holes the robe infront of you. Which you have almost forgotten was there.
Thinking back to the times you interacted with him, one word would usually come to mind. Quiet. He would acknowledge your presence or sometimes even greet you during the times you bump into one another but has never to made a conversation. Compared to Loki, you have always figured that maybe he was just more refined.
It wasn't until you heard his tale from your friend that you have gathered a sort of fear towards him. You knew how gods are, how vile and wrathful they are. And a god of his caliber could wipe you with a single flicker of his finger.
You would now bow and act more politely to him. Going as far as trying to avoid any contact with him.
But now sitting a mere foot apart, you felt no threat. No danger. And only then did you realize that you have never really felt any danger to begin with. When he speaks, he did not have the murderous aura that they claim to choke anyone. He had never given you any reason to fear him, it was only you who decided to believed other's opinion.
"I'm sorry."
As if a trigger, his head turned to you upon hearing your timid voice but you dare not look at his eyes.
"You don't-"
"Not just for yelling."
Where did you get the courage to cut him off? You do not know. But, still with the false bravery, you continued.
"I mean, I have been very rude to you for a long time,"
"You have never been mean to me and I only returned the gesture by fearing you without any basis of."
With every fiber of yours screaming otherwise, you turned to look at him in the eye.
"I'm really sorry."
The longer you look into those golden eyes the more the heat on your neck spreads to your cheeks.
Guess his hair isn't the only thing red now.
"It's nothing," surprisingly it was Thor who turned away first. This time though, you eyes remained on him with a small smile. Youu have been missing out on so many things. But now, you have the eternity to catch up. And you're sure as hell you will.
"Thor-sama."
"Just Thor."
You laughed a bit, a sound that you did not notice brought a smile on his own lips.
"Why did you give me those gift anyway."
He turned his head to the other direction, but your keen eyes could see his tainted red ears.
"Loki said gifts were a good way to get close to someone." You grinned.
"I should have known better than listen to him."
His words dragged a loud laugh from you. The thought of him asking Loki, of all people for an advice was something you thought you'll never hear. And the small pout in his voice upon the next statement both brought you giddiness and butterflies.
Your hands instinctively covered your mouth, but still the sounds slipped through. And if you would have opened your eyes that moment, you would have seen the adoration in Thor's as he watches you.
Yes, it was embarrassing to ask his cousin for advice and finding those herbs was a hard task. But if seeing you like this, with lips arch into the most beautiful smile he have seen filled with happiness he once thought he couldn't bring you, then he would do it a thousand more.
Bonus:
Outside the closed doors, Loki grinned at himself. Trying to get you two was a pain with how standoffish Thor was by this was the most entertainment he had for a long time.
"What the hell are you doing?" It was one of Odin's crow that screeched from beging, as they watch the god smiling, and by experience it never means well.
"Oh nothing," he sing-songed. He floated pass his uncle but never before saying,
"Hope you're ready for grandkids!"
"Huh?"
But they did not receive an answer, only a chorus of laughter from the god of mischief as he drift away.
If you don't know who's Circe is, she's a witch in the Greek mythology that turned sailors into pigs. Odysseus met her during his travel home from the Trojan war. She turned his men into pig too. And it's a book of Madeline Miller too! You should really read her books.
This was requested by @tenshi-san and I apologize that I might have strayed too far from your prompt. I really hope I did your husbando some justice. He was so hard to write because that only thing I can see him as is bored😂. But I hope you still like it!
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Honey - part two
Elide Lochan x Lorcan Salvaterre roommates au
A/N: I’m so tired yall have no idea. My eyes are burning and my fingers are cramping cause I’ve been writing all day to get this done, so yeah, I’m very satisfied and some of the blogs that I consider big or are big for a fact started following me and commented on the first part, so I freaked out a little, but I can tell that I’ll sleep peacefully tonight because of that, so thank you all. Enjoy!:)
Oh, and I almost forgot, the song at the end is called “Honey” and it’s by Johnny Balik (shoker, as my man Kieran would say)
masterlist
Word count: 4,966
Lorcan's least favourite day was definitely Friday, unlike all people his age. Not because he didn't like going out in the city at night to have fun and drink until you forgot even your mother's name, but because it was the only day of the week he had to work at both the shelter and the toy shop.
He loved working with the dogs and the few cats they brought in, and although he wasn't really a people person, he enjoyed spending time deciding with the kids and parents what was the best gift to go home with. And although Lorcan would never admit it out loud, he had grown fond of some of the regulars - especially a mother of three who he knew worked as a lawyer in one of the offices above the shop. Almost every day she would come in during her lunch break to buy one of those surprise sachets that cost a euro each and if Lorcan didn't see her coming before he went on his break, he would wait a few minutes before closing up just for her. Elide had managed to find out this detail a few months later after she moved in and he knew she would never stop teasing him because he had a heart of gold.
The phone vibrated in his hand just as he got behind the wheel and he wasn't at all surprised to see that the last message he had gotten was from Elide.
He huffed, not even opening yet another link that would surely send him to yet another website with information on why the world was ending very slowly and why humans were to be blamed entirely. He started the car and drove off towards their house.
Lorcan wasn't a bad person and he really cared about everything Elide was sending him, but he was tremendously tired and all he could think about was how much he wanted to take a shower and pass out in his bed. The fact that none of this was going to happen because Fenrys and Rowan had forced him to accept the invitation out to dinner made it all worse.
It took him less than ten minutes to get home and when he parked and saw the lights in their living room on, he seriously considered backing up and getting out of there to get to Vaughan's house before Elide noticed his car and he wouldn't be able to get away no more.
He was sure his friend would take him in without question if he asked to put him up for a night.
But luck was not on his side as Elide's petite figure appeared in the window and Lorcan could not see her face, but he knew she was smiling as she bounced and waved to greet him.
Despite everything, Lorcan raised his hand in turn and smiled back at her, knowing full well that even she could not see him so low and hidden by the evening shadows.
As he climbed the sixth flight of stairs and mentally prepared himself for two more, he could foresee the flood of words that would wash over him when he entered the house. Elide hadn't kept quiet for the entire day, sending him voice messages and staying with him on calls for the entire duration of his lunch break, so much so that at one point he had wondered if she had gone to class and then to work. He had discovered that yes, she had gone, but she hadn't paid the slightest attention to what they had explained and had gotten half the customers' orders wrong.
When he opened the front door, he recognized the melody of one of the songs she'd put on her apology playlist, the one he'd made for her nearly three weeks earlier after she'd found out he still smoked. She'd seemed so hurt that after he'd gone to bed and cleaned the tiles of his blood until they glistened, he'd stood at the kitchen table and spent hours and hours searching for the perfect apology songs. A bit dramatic perhaps, but it had had the desired effect.
He sighed, slipping off his jacket and putting it as far away from Elide's as possible, so that no animal hair would get on hers. He would clean it later.
The girl in question sputtered out of the living room with a beaming smile on her face, her cheeks strangely red and her eyes so bright they were glossy, "Hello, handsome."
"Hi, Ellie." he murmured, straightening his back and making the bones in his neck crack. Elide approached and Lorcan took a step back, bumping his back against the door, "I haven't showered yet," he put his hands forward to keep her at arm's length, "you can touch and hug me all you want later, but please not now," he begged her.
She gave the cutest pout he had ever seen, "But-"
"No buts, you can wait three minutes for me to wash up without dying," he continued, walking past her without touching her or making any overly sudden movements.
"You're such a pain in the ass," she complained, that adorable pout deepening all the more, "I can always take the antihistamine if I get allergies."
Lorcan shook his head, turning a confused expression on her, "I'd rather you didn't take medication just because you want to hug me."
It was true.
To their great misfortune, Elide was one of the very few people he knew who was allergic to animal hair. Any animal. More precisely, she was allergic to the mites that lived in the fur and the dust that accumulated in it in enormous quantities even on a normal basis. Given that the dogs Lorcan worked with were left to run loose in the fields all day, when he came home he was covered in anything that could kill his friend and roommate in one sniff and he didn't want to have to take her to the emergency room again because they couldn't tell if she was breathing properly.
It was why every night since he'd started working at the shelter he had taken a shower before doing anything else. It was why their water bill had gone up so much since they had found out about this allergy of hers.
"It's just a pill Lor, it's not like I have to get shots or..." she shrugged, as if to indicate anything more invasive than a simple pill.
He brought his hands in front of his mouth like a prayer, looking her in the eyes, "How many times do I have to explain to you that if you take one type of medicine every day, after a while your body no longer perceives it as an extra foreign thing to help you, but as the norm and so it no longer has any effect?"
Elide grimaced, "I hate you."
He chuckled, walking backwards until he reached the bathroom door, just in case she had the great idea to ambush him and jump on his back, "Just wait five minutes."
"It was three before," she said frowning, "And, speaking of showers-" and then she did something that made Lorcan freeze in his tracks. He didn't register what was going on until Elide's shirt was too high up for him to avoid seeing everything. And by everything, he meant everything.
"Elide what the fuck are you doing?!" he turned around, screaming, then his eyes went wide, trying to figure out if what had just happened was true or not. He squeezed his eyes shut, closing his hands into fists, biting his knuckles, "You're not wearing a fucking bra." he said in a voice sharper than he had intended.
He heard her giggle, but the sound came out muffled, "Loorcaaan." she crooned, "Help."
"I can't turn around Ellie, you're naked," he pointed out to her with his eyes still closed, then in a lower voice, "God, you're naked. What has gotten into you?"
He felt her move as she walked around him and stopped in front of him, "Help." she said in a flat tone. Lorcan had to laugh, her tone reminded him so much of the way the green aliens in Toy Story talked.
"Help what?" he asked letting out an amused laugh.
"I'm stuck." she said slurring her words and he felt her move, she was probably wiggling to get out of her t-shirt. And if she was wiggling, that meant her-
Lorcan took a sharp breath, cursing under his breath and trying to quiet his wandering mind.
He arched an eyebrow, though he was pretty sure she couldn't see him either, as doubt crept into him, "Are you drunk?"
Elide was silent for a while, then giggled like a child, "Just a little tipsy."
"Ellie it's seven o'clock," he exclaimed amused, but surprised to learn that she had been drinking, "why on earth are you drunk at seven?"
"Just a little tipsy," she repeated like a broken record. Then she screeched like a pterodactyl and Lorcan burst out laughing again, turning and taking a step or two forward to avoid risking accidentally touching her once more.
"Alright, why are you just a little tipsy at seven o'clock on a night when we're supposed to be going out with the others?" he asked now a little more eager to know the answer.
He heard her snort audibly, "The world is ending, Lorcan, why won't you understand that?"
He opened his eyes wide, not believing what she was saying, pinning them on the picture their friends had given them for Christmas, the one with all their best pictures collaged on a coloured canvas.
And here he thought he was the dramatic one of the two.
He nodded to himself, "So you're telling me that the reason you decided to get drunk before you even went out is because of global warming?"
He heard a rustle and then something hit him on the head, "Sorry, I didn't mean to slap you," she said in the tone of someone who couldn't care less about having hit him, "Anyway, yeah. Global warming and forests catching fire and animals dying and plastic burning..." she took a deep breath and then continued for a few minutes, making a list of all the things she had learned that afternoon by reading all the articles she could find about why humans were the worst living thing in the world.
Lorcan stood patiently listening to her, occasionally getting lost when she introduced topics that were a little too specific, but listen to her he did. The way she was saying all those things was always reminiscent of the little green aliens, but he knew the subject was more serious than it sounded.
With his arms crossed over his chest, he didn't think he'd moved too much, but at one point Elide sneezed and he cursed himself for not having moved fast enough to go to the bathroom.
"I told you you'd get allergies."
"But I didn't even touch you," she squealed back.
"You know that's not necessary for even your soul to start itching too," he scolded her.
Elide remained silent for a while longer, then started talking again, "And we should seriously get some glass bottles, if I see you with those stupid plastic bottles again I'll kill you. Scout's honor." she threatened him.
Lorcan chuckled, "Elide you've never been in scouts."
"How punctilious of you." she scoffed at him, then gasped, "We could buy matching flasks, with glitter and," she gasped again, sounding increasingly excited, "We could have one of our pictures printed on it."
A smile broke out on Lorcan's lips and he knew that if he had looked in the mirror at that moment he would have seen the face of a boy lost in love. He pulled himself together, straightening his back, trying not to think about how he felt about Elide. It wouldn't have done any good to admit that those feelings were real and tangible inside him.
He was staring at Fenrys' face in one of the pictures they had taken on holiday that summer, when Elide spoke again.
"This is a list of things that should make you understand why we have to shower together."
Lorcan choked on his saliva. He coughed a few times, patting his chest.
How had they gone from polar bears dying from melting ice to them showering together?
"What are you talking about?" he asked her in a squeaky voice.
The fact that she was alluding to them showering together while he knew she was half naked behind him, a breath away practically, made him feel so many different kinds of wrong.
"We can't waste water Lor, it's not hard." she sounded exasperated, then muttered, "Sometimes I really think you're being obtuse or stupid."
Lorcan's eyes went wide, "Wow, thanks Ellie."
"You're welcome." she chipped.
He shook his head, sighing and running a hand over his face, "Don't you think there are plenty of other ways we can start saving the world, before we have to shower together?" he took the fact that she wasn't answering as a cue to continue, "Like start recycling?"
Elide gasped again, making him chuckle, "Did you sign the petition?"
"Which-" he trailed off. She was talking about the petition to have a door-to-door rubbish collection service introduced in their town. Something that would force everyone to sort their garbage. "Yes, I signed it."
"Good." she whispered.
"I signed them all," he reiterated, because it was true and he knew that Elide never sent him stupid petitions, that whatever she sent him must be important and it didn't cost him anything to put his email and name on a website if it meant he could make a difference in his own small way.
"Thank you. I really appreciate it." she said in a weak voice.
Lorcan felt strangely uncomfortable all of a sudden.
And not because of the fact that Elide was naked behind him and had just confessed to wanting to shower with him, but because he would have wanted to turn around and kiss her, not do what any other guy would have thought of doing with a half-naked girl. No. Lorcan just wanted to kiss her and take his time in the process, savour the kiss and not be hasty and quick.
He wanted it to be slow and heartfelt, he wanted her to feel every single thing he couldn't say out loud.
"Lorcan?" she whispered, "I'm always stuck and I'm starting to get cold."
He blinked, "Yeah, you're right." then interrupted. They were silent a few seconds, "You really can't pull your shirt down?"
"No."
He took a deep breath. Then another.
"Okay, I'm going to turn around and keep my eyes closed, please stay still so I don't touch- anything. I'm not touching anything. I'll try to help you." he stammered, clasping his hands along his sides. She made a simple grunt of assent and he huffed, raising his hands in the air and lowering them slowly until he touched her head. He squeezed his eyes shut tighter and then released the elbow that had gotten stuck in her shirt.
"Yay." exclaimed Elide.
Sensing that she was moving freely on her own, Lorcan pulled away again and when the sound of clothes stopped, he asked, "Are you done?"
"Yes," she said singing.
His shoulder sagged a little and he smiled. He opened his eyes, ready to move Elide to the side and go take that holy shower, but whatever he'd thought when he'd asked if she was done must have been the exact opposite of what she'd thought, because Elide's tits were freer than ever between the two of them.
Lorcan grunted, slapping a hand over his face to cover his eyes, "What the fuck, Ellie. Stop flashing me, I'm begging you."
He heard her giggle and then a gust of wind and her laughter fading down the corridor let him know she had run off. He opened his eyes tentatively, peering through his fingers to make sure she wasn't still in front of him and sighed with relief when he finally managed to get into the bathroom and lock the door behind him.
He leaned against the sink, clutching the ceramic between his fingers and staring at his reflection in the mirror.
He never thought the first time he would see Elide's tits would be under these circumstances. He ran a hand over his face again, trying to somehow erase the image he knew he would never forget.
He had just stepped into the shower when he heard something very large and heavy slam against the door. Something that seconds later burst out laughing. Lorcan could only follow as he imagined a half-naked Elide running towards the bathroom and failing to stop in time.
"Are you alright, honey?" he asked her just in case. He turned on the water, hissing when he found it frozen, but not moving from under the jet. After all, a cold shower wouldn't hurt him.
"Let me in." she shouted, slamming her fist against the door, "Let me iiin!"
"Are you dressed?"
"No."
"Then you can't come in."
A scream of despair followed by what could only be a fake hysterical cry made him burst out laughing again, but then for a few minutes all that was heard was the sound of the shower and water falling from his hair.
"Ellie, are you still there?"
The answer came quickly, "Yes."
"Are you still naked?"
"Maybe." then he heard her move against the door and realised she'd been sitting on the floor.
Perfect, he was stuck in there. He reached for the phone and thought of something.
As he finished untangling the knots in his hair and washing out the conditioner, Elide was talking about how harmful the soaps they used were and had even gone so far as to say that they should both shave their heads so as to minimise their impact on the environment.
"What did you do today?" she asked him suddenly.
Lorcan didn't answer, dialling the number of a certain blonde girl who could help him out of this situation. Aelin answered after the fifth ring and Lorcan knew full well that she had done it on purpose, hoping he would hang up so she wouldn't have to talk to him.
"Hello?"
"Listen, something kind of weird happened and I need-"
"Who is this?" Lorcan arched an eyebrow, pulling his ear away from the phone to check the number. It was Aelin's phone. And the chick's voice on the other end was her, he was sure of it. "God, Lorcan, I'm fucking with you, what's up?"
"Funny," he deadpanned, "Elide's already drunk."
"What? But it's not even eight o'clock."
"I know, I came home and she was already like that."
A few moments of silence passed, "Okay, and what do you want me to do?"
"Well, she took her shirt off at one point."
Lorcan waited for a reaction, but Aelin didn't respond.
"And now she's naked in the hallway and blocking the bathroom door and-"
"She's what?" the friend burst out laughing.
"She's naked," he gritted through his teeth, "And she's blocking the bathroom door. I don't know how to get out and I don't want to open the door and push her off and risk hurting her. Is there any way you could come over here and help her? Help me?"
"I’ll make sure she'll never hear the end of it." Aelin laughed louder and Lorcan heard Rowan ask her what was going on. The blonde took breaths before saying, "Ellie flashed Lorcan and how he's stuck in the bathroom because he's afraid of a pair of nice-looking boobies."
"So are you planning on coming?" he asked before he completely lost his patience.
He imagined her wiping tears from under her eyes, "Yes, we'll be there in fifteen minutes."
"We?"
"Me, Ro and Fen. He's the one driving tonight and he picked us up."
"Okay," Lorcan murmured, "but they can't come up to the house."
"Why?" drawled Aelin, "Because you're jealous?"
He counted to ten, restraining himself from hanging up on her, "No, because this is going to be humiliating enough for Elide without two more of her friends seeing her half naked, so please just come up alone."
Aelin huffed, "You're right, but you're no fun."
They said their goodbyes and Lorcan put the phone down, starting to blow dry his hair.
"Lorcan."
"Lorcan."
"Lorcan."
Elide hadn't stopped saying his name for half a second throughout the call and it was starting to annoy him. Then he shook his head, no. He wasn't annoyed by Elide, it was Aelin.
That girl could get under his skin like few could.
"What?"
"You didn't tell me what you did today."
And Lorcan did, so that at least she would stop slamming her hand against the door.
He told her about the last man who'd come to see what dogs he could give his daughter and how he'd seemed so much like the guy who'd abandoned them on the side of the road after not even a week and it had pissed him off. He told her the morning had been even worse, because one of the children had started opening all the toys on display and his mother, who had been right next to him the whole time with her eyes fixed on the phone screen, hadn't stopped him and it had been up to Lorcan to tell him he couldn't do it. It was only then that the woman had realised what a mess it was and had simply apologised to him, running out of the shop so fast that he hadn't even noticed they had left. He had to call his manager and he was not exactly pleased to hear this story, but he also said that they would donate the toys to the church down the street, which was responsible for distributing them to kindergartens in the neighbourhood. That cheered him up a little.
By the time he had finished his story, Aelin had arrived and once he had taken her to her room. Lorcan could finally go out and get ready himself.
***
It was after midnight, the entire group was rocking out on the dance floor of their favorite outdoor club, a place called "The Wild Night" that was on the edge of town, closer to the forest than anything else, and normally Lorcan would have joined his friends to dance and sing, but there was a problem.
A big, huge, handsome problem.
And the problem was called Kyllian.
He couldn't figure out whose idea it had been to invite the boy with them that night, but whoever it was, this person's days were numbered, because Lorcan would kill them first and then use the limbs of their corpse to kill Kyllian.
Kyllian who had now been rubbing up against Elide for hours and who had offered her more drinks than stupid charming grins - and he really was reserving a lot of those for her.
"If you don't stop looking at him like that you're going to make his head explode," someone said, throwing themselves onto the small bench next to him.
He turned his head so fast he wondered how he had managed not to break his neck, "What are you talking about?"
Fenrys arched an eyebrow, "Even if you weren't staring at Kyllian like you wanted to see him disappear off the face of the earth, everyone here, including Elide," he told him with so much as a glare, giving him a slight shove, "would know that you're not really into what's going on on that dance floor."
"He's right," Rowan said to his left, sipping the drink of Aelin's she'd left him. When the hell had he sat there?
Lorcan didn't answer, remaining motionless with his sullen expression.
"I can give you a hand if you want," Fenrys murmured, sucking on the fuchsia straw sticking out of his equally pink glass.
He inhaled through his nose, "And how would you do that?"
"You have to trust me."
"Never." said Lorcan as Rowan said at the same time, "Don't."
Fenrys looked at them both with his mouth wide open and a hand to his chest, "I'm hurt." then finished what was left of the drink in one gulp and stood up abruptly, staggering a little, but holding himself up nonetheless. He cast a glance over his shoulder at the two boys still sitting, grinning, and Lorcan knew immediately what was going to happen.
"Ellie!" he shouted, turning more heads than necessary, "Love of my life!"
Kyllian pulled away from Ellie just enough for Fenrys to grab her hand and spin her around a few times until she burst out laughing and begged him to stop. The new boy didn't even seem to exist anymore as his best friend laced her arms around Fenrys' hips and rocked left and right, increasingly drunk.
Lorcan's heart clenched in his chest as he heard that sound so carefree, so happy.
He didn't realise he was smiling until Rowan cackled beside him, "God, you're fucked."
He didn't pay any attention to him and stood up, keeping his gaze fixed on her face.
He heard Lysandra and Aelin calling his name, hyping him up and threw them a real, quick smile that made them scream even louder, as if they were fans at one of his concerts. When he finally reached Fenrys and Elide's side, the blond spun her around ninety degrees and for a moment she closed her eyes, giggling, intoxicated by the amount of alcohol she had ingested, but when she opened them again and saw Lorcan standing in front of her, a smile as wide as he had ever seen it spread across her face.
"I'll leave you Ellie, you're in good hands," Fenrys told her, winking at him from above her head.
But neither of them even looked at him.
His eyes locked into hers as they both took a step forward and found themselves a caress away. Her chest rose and fell in an agitated rhythm. After all, she'd been dancing with everyone for hours, so much so that Lorcan wondered how she hadn't thrown up yet.
His gaze ran over her body, her bare shoulders, the line of her collarbones, and further down between her breasts. Breasts he'd had the chance to see for a millisecond a few hours before and remembered perfectly. The darker shade of pink that had characterized her-
"Lorcan."
He felt his heart pounding in his throat.
She had never said his name like that.
His eyes went up, sliding over lips so full, so perfect, up, over her nose and then up again, finding hers and the music changed, becoming slower, the lights dimmed as the strobes were turned off. Elide seemed to recognise the tune as her lips parted slightly, "Lor," she repeated. He raised a hand until his knuckles brushed her cheek and when she let go a shuddering breath, Lorcan began to sing under his breath.
"Tell me everything and hold no lies. Say you're waiting for better skies," he leaned forward as his other hand slid to her hip and Elide moved closer, until their bodies were fully joined to each other and one of her legs was between his and their hips were one thing moving in sync with the music. He felt Elide's breath against his neck and had to suppress a shudder when she too began to sing along with him.
"Oh, but honey don't taste like summer no more. Stick around now, I miss you every night,"
He lowered his head even more, brushing her nose with his own. The hand that had been on her cheek had slipped over her shoulder and was now tracing the path down her back, grazing the top of her bottom until it rested on her hip.
"Elide," he whispered, breathing on her lips. She closed her eyes, pushing herself up, towards him, and Lorcan held her tighter, moving his fingers over the exposed skin between her miniskirt and the black top she was wearing and there he was. Elide was there, with him, and she was so close to his body that he could feel the heart beating in her chest.
She was there and the next second... she wasn't. Because Elide had snapped away and was now vomiting on his feet. Lorcan held his breath as she was shaken by another gag and he had just enough time to take a step back that she threw up again.
The people around them quickly scampered away, creating a small circle of spectators and casting a quick glance at his friends he saw that they had a large audience. He just hoped Elide was too drunk to remember what happened the next day.
He looked down and grimaced, all sorts of emotions swirling inside him as the girl he loved clutched at him and puked her dinner all over his clothes.
He cursed at whoever decided how things went for breaking the best moment of his life with vomit and then gathered her hair into a loose ponytail, tying it with an elastic band he kept on his wrist specifically for these occasions.
He heard her whimper and put both hands on her shoulders, stroking her in circular motions to help her warm up. Aelin and Lysandra appeared next to them shortly after and when Ellie was firm enough on her feet to walk, they stepped over the pool of vomit and Lorcan wrapped an arm around her shoulders, pushing her towards the exit.
"Let's go home, Ellie."
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#elorcan#tog fic#throne of glass#elide lochan#lorcan salvaterre#elorcan roommates au#fluff#elorcan fluff#elorcan fic#rowan whitethorn#fenrys moonbeam#aelin galathynius#honey
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Whose Side Are You On? (Part Three)
Terminator (1984) reader-insert.
Warnings: death, violence, blood imagery, mention of war
Context: (Y/n), Kyle and Sarah have their first run-in with the Terminator.
A/N: Again, I just really suck at descriptions 😅💛
Masterlist
As soon as we enter the brightly lit, cacophonous room, I feel disorientated, something in my head not quite able to compute the ranging sounds and heavy rhythms, my vision briefly blurring over as it corrects itself to adjust to this new environment. Around us, people are moving in time with each other, sweaty bodies pressing up against each other as they dance to this pounding music, the area bustling and uncomfortably busy, though we manage to get to what I know as the bar somewhat easily, given that people instinctively move out of the way of others. A strong reek of alcohol and sweat radiates from the throbbing crowd, the stench assaulting my nose harshly as we finally make it to the bar, barely able to hear ourselves think.
Subtly, I look over my shoulder at our target, locating her before turning back around, waving off the bartender as he comes over, completely unsure of what we'd order in any case, unfamiliar with the drinks on display. Instead, I stare at the entrance, staying like that for a good half hour as I watch more and more people arrive, though none of them seem to be the right one, apparently showing no real danger to the victim that is sitting a few metres behind me. I fiddle with the handgun in my pocket, running my fingers over the grip and stock, just to be familiar with it before I have to use it, my thumb flicking the safety off as it passes, the weight of the now-ready weapon reassuring in my pocket. We stand together for some time at the bar, not saying anything to each other, both too occupied with our own thoughts, until Kyle speaks up.
"You've got a gun, right?" He asks, looking down at my hand.
"Yeah, but I haven't got too much ammo." I affirm, my eyes remaining fixed on the entrance.
"Hopefully you won't need it just yet." He lowers his voice so he's whispering in my ear, " How about the...thing?"
My eyes flick to him.
"What do you mean?" I say, emotionless.
"Well, are you going to be ok, or is it gonna happen?"
"I'll be fine, thank you." I growl back, though I'm not totally assured of this myself, my hand instinctually coming up to run over the ghastly scar lining my face.
"Just making sure." Kyle reassures me, patting me briefly on the back as I return my gaze to the entrance, where something catches my attention.
"Hang on, look! He doesn't fit in with the rest of them...he's too...awkward." I point at a newcomer, a large, muscular man wearing an oversized grey jacket over a tight t-shirt, who's features are unrecognizable in the odd casting light. As if detached from the rest of the room, he steps through the crowd, eyes methodically roaming the faces present, his facial expression only now becoming recognisable.
His countenance is emotionless, as if dead and devoid of any feeling, which it most likely is, his huge stature easily parting the crowds. For a split second, his gaze finds Kyle and I, though it swiftly moves on when his homing device doesn't instantly recall our faces, making us both sigh in terse relief.
Initially, the newcomer walks past our target, just missing her as she bends to pick something up off the floor, though she then looks up to find Kyle watching her, freezing her in place. Naturally, this leaves her face exposed to the sight of the one person she should, in fact, avoid, the hulking figure making his way over to her, pulling a gleaming pistol from inside his jacket, the laser sight focused between her eyes with an unnatural accuracy.
Vaguely, I notice Kyle draw his sawn-off shotgun from under his coat, pushing and shoving confused people out of the way as he takes aim, cocking the gun and firing. As the gunshot splits the air, something behind my right eye whirs to life, my conscience suddenly fading as I slump forwards.
*
Beside Kyle, (Y/n) goes limp, body falling forwards slightly until her eyes suddenly snap open again. Instantly, her posture rights itself and she becomes rigid, expression blank as she pulls her handgun from her pocket, moving with military-style efficiency as she cocks it and takes aim, firing straight at her target, not reacting when he ducks out of the way.
"(Y/n), what that hell?!" Kyle screams at her as the bullet narrowly misses his head, eyes wide with confusion as he takes in the dead expression of his sibling. As she lifts the gun once more, however, it clicks in his head, a short burst of despair flaring to life inside him as he grits his teeth and slams his shotgun across her face.
Her body falls to the side, a dull crack coming from the impact point as she crashes into a nearby table, drawing the muscular figure's attention away from the terrified form of Sarah Connor and to the momentarily prone soldier a little way away. Seemingly disregarding the pain of being hit, (Y/n) climbs to her feet, gun now pointed at the guy across from her, eyes staring into each other as they watch each other, (Y/n) shooting into the broad torso without abandon until he falls back. As he goes, he shoots once at her, the round just grazing (Y/n)'s shoulder as it passes her, but there is no reaction at all. Instead, she turns back to Kyle, gun raised at him once more, eyes almost unseeing.
Behind them, the previously wounded man stands, expression just like that of (Y/n)'s showing no sign of pain whatsoever as he draws a quick-fire gun from under his coat, the bullets tearing through the air to (Y/n)'s left as he attempts to hit the fleeing Sarah Connor, only managing to catch someone running behind her. They fall to the floor, Sarah caught beneath the body of the dead runaway, the killer purposefully stepping over to her, weapon raised.
Upon seeing this, Kyle ducks out of range of the handgun pointed at his head, narrowly avoiding another bullet as he swiftly moves over to the entrance of the club, shouting at (Y/n) as she lets yet another bullet loose at him. Fortunately for him, that marks the last of her bullets, the soldier pocketing the gun and stepping forwards, eyes fixed on the retreating from of her sibling, only darkening when he lashes out with the shotgun again, cracking her across the face again. This time (Y/n) falls to the floor properly, body limp as her conscience leaves her, her head having hit a table corner on the way down.
Having dealt with one threat, Kyle turns his attention on Sarah Connor and the looming figure standing over her, his grip on the shotgun tightening as he lets loose into the clothed back of the seemingly invincible killer. Spinning on his heel, the tall man staggers backwards with every shot, falling out of the smashed window as each round smashes into him, leaving him sprawled on the pavement outside.
Going to Sarah's side, Kyle crouches down beside her, hand holding her arm gently as he tries to get her to move, eyes fixed on the body outside.
"Come with me if you want to live!" He snarls at her, hoping it will spur her on, though it's only when the man slowly sits upright again that she snaps out of her trance and scrambles to her feet, running after Kyle as he goes to leave, the soldier briefly stopping to scoop his sibling up into his arms as he goes.
Together, they race out of the building, leading their pursuer down a seemingly secluded backroad until they find a car which is already, conveniently, open, Kyle swiftly dumping (Y/n) onto the backseat as he uses the door as a shield, firing the shotgun at the gas tank under one of the cars a little way away, grimly standing again when the vehicle explodes. Harshly, he forces Sarah into the car with him, getting into the driver's seat and putting it into drive as he goes to pull away, only to curse when the guy suddenly appears on the bonnet.
The car tyres squeal loudly as he puts the vehicle in reverse, trying to throw the killer off with swerves and sharp movements, biting his lip when a fist is smashed through the windscreen, the hand instantly reaching for Sarah's throat. Thankfully, one particularly sharp twist manages to dislodge the man, sending him flying to the floor, the car quickly speeding away.
Part Four
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Yandere Soldier Jungkook
War was never easy, killing for things you didn't get a say in was never easy, facing the enemy and ending them no matter their age or gender was never easy. Being a soldier was never easy.
Jungkook was born in war and trained to be a soldier from the moment he could walk. He was trained to feel nothing, no love, no remorse, no pity, no sorrow, no joy. The only thing he knew was anger, the only thing he was taught to feel was anger.
At the age of 18 he was said to be the most ruthless war machine to be born. He killed when told to kill, he trained when he wasn't out on a mission, and he took orders like it was the only thing he knew how to do.
He was the best of the best and trusted to go on so many missions that he was almost never on base. He was the perfect soldier, and everyone thought he was going to be the one to help them win the war. That is until he was sent to a small city on the outside of one of the enemy's bases.
———
"Taehyung go right, Hoseok tail him. Namjoon go left with Jimin and Yoongi. I'll go straight, meet back at camp and report your findings to Jin once you finishing clearing your area of the city" Jungkook says and they all nod heading off to do their jobs.
He slowly makes his way through his area of the city and kills any person he comes into contact with. While rounding a corner he spots a little girl running somewhere, and aims getting ready to fire.
His finger almost pulls the trigger before he watches a second person run out on to the road and grab the girl, a feeling he's never known before rushing through him as he sees them. Their hair was (H/l) and (H/c), their (S/c) skin glistening with sweat as they pick the child up, their (E/c) eyes scanning the area before they fall on Jungkook.
Their eyes widen and they break into a sprint running somewhere with the child in their arms. Jungkook lowers his gun and goes after them being much faster then they were and soon reaches them, they see they can't get out of the situation and throw the child over a fence and then blocks his aim from the child.
"RUN AND DON'T LOOK BACK, FIND YOUR PARENTS," They scream and the child runs off leaving the solider and civilian alone. Jungkook looks them over with his gun raised ready to shoot.
Their body was covered in cuts and bruises and looked tired and weak. Their clothes which were a pair of pants were torn to pieces and a long sleeve (f/c) shirt that was missing half the sleeve on the right side, had massive holes in the sides of it, and the back of it was covered in dirt. And their face was red from having just ran from him with the extra weight of a small child, and yet he found that feeling from before rushing through him as he looked them over.
"You gonna shoot me or not?," They ask and Jungkook lowers his gun, "No, but I will be taking you with me," He says walking forward causing the civilian to backup into the fence behind them. "Over my dead body," They say as they try to move past him only for Jungkook to grab them and knock their head into a wall causing them to pass out.
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I wake up with a splitting headache, in a bed that isn't mine, in a place I didn't know. Sitting up in the bed I look around and find the room I'm in is well furnished and very clean.
Pulling the covers back I find my clothes are gone and have been replaced with a large black shirt that looked like a dress on me.
My wounds were cleaned and dressed with pure white bandages, and my skin was no longer covered in dirt and was shiny clean.
(I DON'T WANT TO EXPLAIN THE ROOM BECAUSE ITS HELLA BIG SO HERERE)
Getting up from the bed I pull the glass door back and step out into the larger part of the room.
I look around and the first thing I come across is a book that's called 'The feelings from within' I pick it up and find it's a book on normal human emotions and what they do to the body, how they make you react, what they feel like. Setting it down I turn and start to explore elsewhere looking through his kitchen.
It had simple stuff, lots of sweets though. His cupboards that laid closes to the refrigerator were filled with cookie, candy, pastries, small cakes, frosting, and brownies. The other ones were filled with normal food, like bread, chips, hamburger helper, and other things.
I was looking through the bathroom when the door to the room opens and before I can close the door to the bathroom the soldier from the city that cornered me stops in the doorway, "You're awake," He says and I stand there looking at him.
He was dressed more casually then before, instead of his field uniform he was wearing grey sweats and a black tank top. His face that was covered before was now open and free giving me a view of how handsome he was, his eyes big and brown and his lips so soft looking.
His face was cold as he looks over me, his short curly hair moving a little as he looks down at my legs, "Your wounds are bleeding again," He says and I look down to see fresh blood on the bandages that were placed in my knees and lower legs.
He grabs my arm and I yelp at his tight grip while he pulls me to the couch and pushes me on it before walking over to the sink and looking under it, grabbing a first aide kit. He walks back over to me and takes off the bloody bandages propping one of my legs on his thighs while he sits on the coffee table in front of me.
"You should be more careful, you're body is very delicate from all of the stress you've put it through," He says as he starts to clean the wounds. I stay quiet as I watch his movements, he cleans and re-bandages everything on one leg then moves on to the next doing the same thing before placing both of my legs down on the ground.
"Are you hungry?," He ask standing and walking over to the fridge opening it, "I don't have much, but I can always get more... I have unlimited access to everything on this base," He says. "I'm on a base?," I ask looking to the window, "Yes, I brought you back with me after our latest mission," He says, "Your latest mission being to kill a whole city filled with wounded, woman, and children?," I say looking back to him as he closes the fridge and looks at me nodding.
"Yes, I was told to eliminate all personnel that wasn't known," He says and then moves back over to me sitting in front of me again with a glass of water. "My name is Jungkook," He says and my eyes widen as I push myself further into the couch, "The killer bunny," I whisper, "I hadn't realized my little name reached this area yet," He says his expression still cold.
"Everyone knows who you are. The killer bunny takes no prisoners, it kills everyone no matter the age or gender, it's not human it's a monster," I say as I start to crawl over the couch to get away from him, "It's not an it, it's me, and I'm not a monster I'm as human as you," He says gesturing to me, "No... no you're not, I've heard stories about you. How you've killed woman while they held their weeping children, how you've not blinked shooting a baby that cried for its lost parents, you have no remorse for your action. You feel no emotions a person is supposed to feel," I say and he nods.
"I know, I'm learning though," He says holding up the book I was looking at earlier, "I wasn't raised or trained to feel anything but anger and rage, I didn't even know there were other emotions until I got put in my group and met some of my fellow soldiers," He says as he walks around the couch and corners me into the part of the room with the bed.
"I didn't know I could feel those emotions until I met you. I believe if I read correctly the first time I saw you I felt joy, or love, or happiness. I'm still not to sure those three seem to have the same effect on people," He says with a slight shrug.
I give a look of disgust as he gets closer to me, "No you must be mistaken, obviously you haven't been reading that book properly," I say and he shakes his head, "No. I felt the so called butterflies, my heart rate increased, my mind became hectic. I felt everything you're supposed to feel while experiencing those other emotions," He says, "That's why you're here, I've decided I want to feel something other then anger and you're going to help me," He says as he reaches for me and pulls me towards him.
"How do you expect me to do that?," I say pushing against his chest wanting him to let me go, "By being here, even just standing close to you and holding you like this my heart rate has increased and my stomach hurts," He says and I almost gag at his words.
"You're going to help me learn these emotions, and then maybe I'll let you go," He says, "You're saying that if I help you learn emotions you'll let me go," I say and he nod, "And you won't come after me, or try to find me?," I ask and he nods, "Fine I'll help you," I say causing a small smile to appear on his lips.
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"It's called be anxious, you have anxiety," I say with an eye-roll as Jungkook holds to me tightly while having a panic attack, "Why does my chest hurt this bad? Why can't I breath, I cant breath," He says a little frantic, "Jungkook stop, you're gonna make it worse," I say and he holds me tighter, "How do you get it to stop?," He ask, "Sit down and put your head between your legs while taking deep breaths," I say shuffling over to the couch with him still clinging to me.
He lets go and sits down doing what I told him to do, "Why do I feel like this?," He ask, "I don't know Jungkook, what were you doing before you woke me up?," I ask, "I was getting ready for a mission, and I was trying to figure out what I was gonna do with you while I was gone," He says as he reaches for me and grabs my hips pulling me to stand in front of him while he calms down.
"Do you think maybe you got worried and over thought everything and maybe that's why you're feeling anxious?," I ask and he pulls me closer pressing his head into my stomach, "Why would me thinking about you cause me to have anxiety?," He ask, "Well Jungkook you do calm to have feelings for me. And if you really do love me, it's normal. Leaving someone behind that you love and not knowing what could happen to them will cause anxiety," I say and he looks up at me.
"Really?," He ask and I nod, "Yes, just take a few more deep breaths and you'll be fine," I say lightly patting his head. He does what I tell him to do before he stands again and looks down at me, "I don't like this emotion," He says and I nod, "No one does, it's hard to handle if you don't know what it is or how it happens," I say as he stands and pulls me into a hug.
We stand there for a moment before he pulls away cupping my face, "I'll be gone for a few weeks," He says and I nod. "If you need anything you'll have to call a lower class to get it, but don't leave this room. I don't need you getting taken and thrown from the base," He says and I nod.
He stares at me for a few second stroking my cheek before leaning down and kissing my forehead. "Why'd you do that?," I ask as I start to blush. "Because I can, I'm leaving now behave yourself," He says letting me go as he walks towards the door and leaves.
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I had figured everything out in order to escape. The door that leads into the room was locked from the outside, and I needed someone to come unlock it in order to get it open.
The person that appeared when I called on the phone for things was always a female and was always different most of them were small though and would be easy to take down.
I made a make-shift hammer since I couldn't find one in the room, got ready and made a call asking for some fruit. It took the person about 20 minutes to make it to the room and knock.
"You asked for fruit?," She says opening the door, "Hello?," She says not realizing I'm hiding behind the door. She steps into the room and I take my chance and hit her on the head as hard as I can causing her to fall forward spilling fruit everywhere.
I grab the keys from her side and her badge and then leave the room after smashing the phone so she can't call for help. I close the door and make sure I lock it behind me.
I make my way down the halls towards the first floor trying to go unnoticed. Reaching the door leading outside and use her badge to get out, scanning the bar code on the small screen to the right side of the door. Stepping outside I find it's raining heavily, the smell of the rain bringing a smile to my face; it's been weeks since I've been outside.
"Ma'am are you alright?," A man in a soldiers uniform ask as he stops in front of me, "Oh um yeah, sorry I just really enjoy the rain you know?," I say and he smiles nodding, "I do indeed, here though take this it would be a shame if you got a cold," He says handing me his umbrella, "What about you?," I ask and he shakes his head, "I'll be just fine," He says tipping his hat to me, "You have a nice day now," He says before leaving.
I smile as I step out into the rain, the boots I had stolen from Jungkook's closet splashing in the puddles of water. I start my walk toward freedom, following the signs that point towards the exit. I pass person after person that say hello and wave to me before I come to the conclusion that I'm lost.
"Excuse me miss would you like some help?," Someone says behind me and I turn with a smile, "Yes I'm trying to find the front gate but it seems as though I'm lost. New base and all," I say with a casual shrug he gives me a square smile and nods.
"I'd be more then happy to help, my name's Taehyung," He says and I smile nodding, "It's nice to meet you I'm (Y/n)," I say as he takes the umbrella from my hands, and places it over the both of us so we're both covered. "Come on its this way," He says and we start to walk somewhere.
"So (Y/n) when did you transfer in?," He ask, "Oh not to long ago," I say and he nods, "I wish I would have noticed you sooner," He says and then makes a tsk sound with his mouth, "Hey you don't mind if we stop by the radio tent right? I forgot my ID and I need it to get into the mess hall," He says with a chuckle and I shake my head.
"Not at all, lead the way," I say with a smile and he nods and starts to walk towards this tent. We reach it in no time and he hands me the umbrella, "Wait here I'll be out in a second," He says and I nod.
I wait patiently for him to return and turn looking around at everything giving a few friendly smiles to people that pass by. I hear the tents opening ruffle a little and turn with a smile ready to see Taehyung and leave this place.
"Wow you're right that didn't take long at-," I stop talking as I see Jungkook standing in front of me with a less then pleased look on his face.
He grabs my arm and pulls me into the tent setting me down angrily in a chair, "What are you doing out of the room?," He ask crossing his arms over his chest, "I... I was- I wanted to...," I trial off as he gives me a death glare, "You were trying to escape right?," He ask and I slowly nod.
"You know I'm luck to have such a loyal team mate," He says and I look off to my left to see Taehyung smiling brightly, "How'd he even know?," I mumble, "The boots, Jungkook is the only one on base that has a high enough status and rank to wear boots in that style," He says and then he pats Jungkook's shoulder, "And then I remembered how Jungkook brought a girl/guy back with him on that mission not to long ago and how he was super excited to get back and see them today. I made a hard guess about you, and I guess I was right," He says with a chuckle.
"Like I said before though I wish I would have known noticed you sooner," He says, "I'll leave you 2 alone," He says leaving the tent. Jungkook glares down at me, "Anything else you want to confess before I take you back upstairs?," He ask and I lower my head.
"There's an unconscious girl in the room...," I whisper, "And why is that?," He ask, "...I hit her on the head with a make-shift hammer...," I say and he chuckles darkly, "I knew you were smart but I didn't think you would've been able to escape," He says with a sigh.
"Explain everything in full detail, I want to know what you did?," He says grabbing a chair and sitting in front of me.
I look down at my lap not sure on where to start so I stay silent, "I said," He says grabbing my throat and cut off my airway, "Explain everything, I want to know what you did," He says and then pulls away allowing me to gasp for air.
"I- I figured out that the door locked from the outside and only woman were coming to give me things when I asked for stuff. I made a hammer, called and asked for some fruit and waited until someone showed up. I hid behind the door and waited until they walked fully into the room behind I hit them on the head, "I say and then give him a small glance to find his expression to be cold.
"I broke the phone, took their keys and badge and then left... someone was nice enough to give me their umbrella so I wouldn't get wet and I started to look for a way out before Taehyung found me," I say looking back down at my lap as his expression says unchanged.
"Who gave you the umbrella?," He ask, "I don't know I didn't catch his name I only saw his face," I say and he nods grabbing my arm pulling me up. He walks over to a microphone placed on one of the tables in the tent and presses a button.
"This Jungkook speaking, I require all soldiers to gather in the mess hall immediately," He says and he voices booms over speakers on the base. He keeps a tight grip on me and marches out into the rain, "Ow Jungkook you're hurting me," I say as his grip tightens and he pulls on my arm harder.
By the time we reach the mess hall we were both soaked and I was shivering from how cold it was. Hundreds of soldiers stood in the hall waiting for instructions, waiting for Jungkook's instructions.
He walks in front of them dragging me with him, "Those of you that have spoken or seen this girl/boy right here today stay standing. Those that haven't may sit," He says and 16 people remain standing, not one of them being Taehyung.
"Which one of them spoke to you?," He ask shoving me forward, "Make the right choice and you'll save others life, but I suggest hurrying I'm in a crappy mood now and I won't hesitate to kill everyone last one of them," He whispers into my ear. I look at the 16 of them and point to the man that gave me the umbrella.
"Him?," Jungkook ask and I nod slowly. He walks over to him, "Did you speak with this civilian soldier?," Jungkook ask him, "Yes sir!," He yells back and Jungkook draws his pistol and shoots the man right between the eyes.
The room that seemed to be quiet before anything happens becomes even quieter as Jungkook walks back to me, "Who was the next person that smile at you, that saw you?," He ask and I shake my head in fear at what had just happened, "Tell me," He says as he grabs my throat again.
I point to the next person and he walks over to her, "Did you see that civilian there and not stop to ask who they were?," Jungkook ask and she nods.
"Yes sir!," She yells and he shoots her between the eyes as well. This continues until all 16 are dead and I'm on the ground crying, "Let this be a lesson to all of you, this girl/guy right here," Jungkook says as he grabs my arm and pulls me up causing me to yell out in pain, "Is MY property, They are not to be looked at, spoken to, or touched by anyone that isn't me or someone that I say can. If any of you decided to do anything with them you will be executed on the spot with no questioned asked," He says letting me go so I drop to the floor with a loud thud.
"Do I make myself clear?," Jungkook yells and the whole room yells 'Yes sir' together before Jungkook dismisses them. Once everyone is gone he kneels in front of me and grabs my face, "Tell me (Y/n) what emotion do you feel right now?," He ask looking over my face and then his gun.
"Sorrow, guilt, pity, maybe even anger?," He ask with a chuckle, "Because whatever it is, it looks great on you," He says giving a twisted grin before he picks me up and starts to walk back to his room. We get inside and find the girl I had hit was still unconscious, Jungkook shoots her and throws her body out of the room.
He sets me down on the couch and then sits on the coffee table in front of me, "You know I was so happy to come back here and get to see you, I was so happy to know that I was gonna be able to walk through that door and find you here waiting for me... I suppose I should have known better, I let my new emotions get the better of me and I didn't even think you would be smart enough to escape," He says as he cracks his knuckles.
"I've learned from my mistakes though and I think I have the perfect solution," He says as he grabs my left leg and places it on his thigh, "Now hold still (Y/n) I don't want this to hurt more then it needs to," He says and then quickly turns my leg one way causing a snap to be heard as I scream in pain. He broke my leg, "Now for the other, and don't worry I won't break your femurs that would be to hard to do, and you would feel to much pain," He says as he sets my broken leg down and grabs the other one pulling me back to him as I try to crawl away.
With another quick motion he breaks that leg and then sets it down, "There we go, you can't really run away from me with two broken legs now can you?," He says with a chuckle. I cry out in pain as he lightly kicks one of my legs, "Oh darn, I'm sorry I didn't mean to do that. Here let's call and ask for someone to bring the things up to fix your legs. Oh wait you broke the phone," He says looking over to the pieces of plastic on the floor that were once a phone.
"I guess you'll just have to stay like this for a while," He says with a shrug as he stands, "Jungkook please," I cry and he looks at me with a blank expression, "Please what?," He ask, "Please don't leave me like this," I cry as I reach out for him and grab hold of his pantleg, "Please help me," I cry and he takes my hand off of his pants and holds it in his, "Why should I, give me one good reason," He says.
"Because you love me," I sob and he smiles nodding, "That I do, that's why I did this though. I don't need the person I love running away anytime soon... tell you what if you start sleeping in the bed with me, cuddling with me, and just showing me affection, the kind I read about in the book I'll go get everything to fix your legs and set them back into place so they can heal," He says and I nod.
"Okay I will, I will I promise," I cry and he smirks, "Prove it, kiss me," He says kneeling down in front of me and pointing to his lips. I lean forward and with a small shaky breath place a soft kiss on his lips. He grabs the back on my neck and pulls me closer deepening the kiss.
He pulls away after a while and smiles, "I'll go get everything you stay here," He says standing and walking towards the door leaving. I sit there and cry from the pain that croses through me, "Why me?," I cry as I fall over on my side curling in on myself, "Why me?,"
#bts fanfic#bts army#bts x reader#bts x y/n#bts x you#btsyandere#bts#bts imagines#bts one shot#yandere#jeon jungkook#yandere jungkook#jungkook x y/n#bts jungkook imagine#bts jungkook#jungkook#yandere x you#yandere x reader
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