#Can people stop being ableist to psychotic people for ONCE. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

vergess · 1 year

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this is a personal af question that you do not need to answer publicly or at all esp. bc its for fanficish writing purposes but anyway so like how DO you, personally at least, deal with episodes of psychosis? because google tells me that the go to needs to be antipsychotics but 1. the context is a character who does not have regular access to them anyway 2. every one i have looked at has GOD AWFUL PERMANENT SIDE EFFECTS that seem to be almost guaranteed to happen? and my doctor oc would not subject that to anybody. the usual psychosis symptoms i write in my current rps are post-ictal and postpartum psychosis specifically because getting information about that from people who actually HAVE THE CONDITIONS is easy, and there seem to be other methods of dealing with them without antipsychotics (plus, you know, magic dnd for one, and pokemon psychic bs for the other) but finding information on how people with other forms of psychosis (in this case, schizotypal ftr) deal with it from their own perspective is almost impossible? it's ALL ableist bullshit from doctors which is why i am hesitant to trust the idea of "antipsychotics are the only way" :/ even reddit is not helpful here lol and i want to get this right? i know it's just tumblr rp/ao3 fanfic/discord rp that nobody important will read but me and my friends are trying to NOT be ableist shitbags on purpose you know?

Boy I really just don't answer tough asks over the winter months, huh.

I started keeping a closer eye on how media that I otherwise recommend depicts psychosis since getting this ask, and I'm disappointed to announce that over the last two months only two (2) pieces of media have been Normal About Psychosis.

So, the first thing to remember when writing a Psycho is: WE ARE WHOLE ASS ADULTS WITH ADULT BRAINS OKAY, we're not small children lost in a fantasy. We're not violent monsters out for blood. We are people who sometimes see, hear, etc things that aren't really there.

Writing a psychotic character competently isn't about curing them, or even about reducing their symptoms. It's about showing how they cope with those symptoms while carrying on with their daily lives.

I'm currently on the lowest possible dose of antipsychotic right now, and I will say two things about that. 1) the meds make reality checks and other coping skills MUCH more effective. 2) Even at a low dose, abstract and creative thinking are hindered. I don't feel hindered; but I have a 24 year long writing portfolio that says I sure as shit am hindered.

Whether a character will benefit from going on meds is going to be a balancing act. But since you aren't actually looking for meds advice, lets talk about those Other Coping Skills.

Broadly, I would split my skills into three categories: stuff for hallucinations, stuff for delusions, and stuff for dissociation.

So, first off, reality checking is my #1 go to for hallucinations.

You pick this skill up pretty quickly as a kid; everyone does. The difference being that where a non-psychotic person eventually gets to stop relying on others to tell them what is real, we get to keep on asking forever.

It's actually super exhausting to be in a crowded space because most of the nonverbal cues you come to rely on (eg, no one else flinched so that noise probably wasn't real) become INSTANTLY useless. Every noise, movement etc may of may not be real, and your only option is to either gauge other people's lack of reaction, or ask someone you trust for a reality check.

Sounds like an easy way for an abusive shit to control your entire life with no effort? It is!!

THAT'S WHY PSYCHOTIC PEOPLE ARE WAY MORE LIKELY TO BE ABUSED THAN THE GENERAL POPULATION.

Once you know if something is real or not, you can decide to ignore it. Like ignoring anything obtrusive, this is easier if you are in a good mood, physically comfortable, etc. An absurd amount of "coping with psychosis" is just constantly monitoring yourself and others to make sure you are reacting to the right things at the right volume.

Ignoring something that your brain insists is real and a threat is very tiring, so there's also a lot of sleeping.

Delusions are significantly harder to manage than hallucinations, IMO. Not just because, as a multiply marginalized person there are myriad ways that an ambiguous "them" is actually trying to ruin my life for real. Being on terror watchlists due to racism REALLY makes it IMPOSSIBLE to manage my paranoid delusions because some of the more insane shit is just real.

But there are other delusions that are easier to handle. Mostly, this comes down to self monitoring again. I can take an extra second to ask myself, "hang on, statistically speaking, how likely is it that this total stranger ACTUALLY wants to kill me?" The answer, of course, is "violent crime has been trending down for years, and everyone in this area thinks I'm white as long as I don't go outside during the summer, so I'm safe."

It's all about finding the information that helps keep you calm.

Because the absolute certainty that this is a murderer and you are walking into the slaughter will not go away. You just... take it on faith that this time will turn out as safely as the last 399 times.

It's just a shitload of observation, mimicry, and forcing myself to do things that feel dangerous by reminding myself that they aren't.

That shit sounds simple, but it's a CONSTANT fight; it never really gets easier, you just get used to it.

Which brings me back around to my meds again: I think I prefer it this way. My writing sucks, and I keep crying when I read it because it's wrong, it sounds like a field amputation. But god, I went to a cafe during the morning rush a few days ago, and the overload of noise and data only left me bedridden for ONE day. ONE!!! Not a WEEK!

Maybe losing my only art is okay in light of how much less bad things are.

Anyway, I can't remember the name of the 2014 short story about the One Person With Psychosis being wrongfully shunned by her colony because she doesn't feel affective empathy, in spite of her constant and perfectly reasoned moral code ensuring she is, if anything, the least dangerous person in town. I wish I could remember it!! It's a good example!!!

I haven't read it yet, but people I love and trust seem to generally agree that the psychosis in Harrow the Ninth is well written, too, so maybe check that out IDK

#answered asks #myfriendskickass

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qualityfartwerewolf · 5 days

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All I need is for someone to listen!

@octobergrim @gnomethievery @sammysundog @motherpsyduck @bethisims

All I wanted was for someone to listen to me. To hear me out and actually understand how hard this is for me. I never meant to cause trouble I really didn't, I never did all this to be creepy, or a stalker, or to break anyone's boundaries. I just needed someone to listen, it didn't matter if you let me back or not if you guys have listened.

In normal circumstances (when I am not triggered or having a psychotic episode) I can actually be very kind, loving, and sweet, it's only when I'm going through an episode where I act crazy and say the weirdest, meanest, insufferable, hateful, terrifying, out of pocket shit! I shouldn't have to apologize for being mentally insane, but you guys deserve that just for all that my mental disorders put you through!

I mostly behave this way if I get triggered by something, or if someone says or does something that upsets me greatly, then I break off from it and I regret it later and I try to reach out to the people that I hurt to try and fix it.

Obviously, this behavior isn't normal, nothing about me is normal, do you guys think it's normal to have thoughts about gouging your own eyes out? Do you think it's normal to self-harm or think about blood pouring out of your eyes, or mouth? Those tweets I sent to Sam and Clare in May are indeed disturbing, but that doesn't hold a candle to what goes on inside my head. But to refresh your memories I have to say that:

I am NOT a threat to ANYONE. Except for myself! I went too far and I know I did. I still don't feel ready to move on yet.

I know I am hateful and I don't mean to be, some of the tweets I sent to other people were not based on race or gender or anything. I was angry, and I said horrible things without thinking when I was angry.

Not to mention Alcohol makes me impulsive and I just do stupid things and say stupid things like I did last night.

I also have a right to my own opinion, just because I am a woman doesn't mean I have to be a Democrat, I just don't agree with communism, that's it, I don't like communism and that's why I vote Republican, can't get more simple than that. (Yes I am a capitalist, I guess you can add that to your list of reasons to hate me lol) But what I like more than Capitalism and Communism is TRUE freedom.

I am Anti-Racism

I am Anti-Misogyny

I am Pro-LGBT

I am Anti-Ableist

I am Pro-Palestine

I am Anti-Communism

I am a conservative and a Christian, I wanted to break the stigma against people like me, but I did a poor job of doing that (I am ashamed of my behavior though, and I lash out because you guys paint me as a bad guy when I just want to fix things.)

I am not less of a feminist because I refuse to get an abortion and because I refuse to be a misandrist

I am not less of an LGBT ally just because I want to protect children

I am not Racist just because I got into an argument with a person of color, or because I'm white.

I am not ableist because I came up with ONE theory on why I might have autism (because no one in my family has it but me) and also because I used an offensive word ONCE and never again.

You guys are just judging a person on the internet that you don't know. We can still talk this out and work this out! Then I'd be more willing to leave you alone!

I didn't mean to start shit, the ban triggered a trauma response in me, then Pheobe died the next day. I just don't want to be abandoned again.

What I want more than anything else in this world is to fix things, I promise to not pull this shit again, and to stop drinking when I am depressed. Please, guys.

At least think about it.

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fictionkinfessions · 1 year

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https://www.tumblr.com/fictionkinfessions/713200823185850368/also-to-go-with-that-last-ask-if-your-psychotic

This will be my last response to you ab this

I do curate my experience there are just some things 100% unavoidable in some fandoms. Blocking tags isn't going to be a cure all fix all for everything. Some things are just so deeply ingrained into fandoms that you just can't avoid them without leaving the fandom space entirely which 90% of kinnies don't want to do.

Just because you're also mentally ill and have been able to separate yourself from fandom doesn't mean everyone can do that. Some of us are unable to entirely and that isn't something people can just fix magically. Especially those of us without access to proper medication.

I'm once again stating, yes, you ARE being ableist. Like it or not, just because you- anon can make that separation easily doesn't mean everyone else can! And I'm so sorry to tell you this, but they don't have to? People are allowed to be upset and hurt by what people do in fandom spaces, especially regarding shipping. The characters might be fictional to everyone else, but again that's still who they were at one point. And for people who have DID/OSDD, psychotic disorders, etc, it can be very upsetting seeing that content and that's okay? I'm not saying sure go harass people over it, but people are 100% allowed to be upset and vent about it especially here or on their own blogs. Once again, not everyone has that ability to separate these things.

Those of us with DID/OSDD can be even further affected because some of us literally ARE the characters people talk about. It can be very hard to differentiate especially adding in dissociation and other traumas on top of it all.

I myself am an introject and I get severely uncomfortable when people say things about me that are untrue. It's very easy for traumatized people (especially those who have been bullied) to internalize things people say about them. And once again, especially VILLAIN KINS. I 100% curate my experience. I block users, tags, and make sure I don't follow anyone who posts content that makes me uncomfortable and sometimes it still slips through anyway! And guess what! It's still extremely upsetting!

You can't just claim "well people should curate better!" as a defense for people having ships that kinnies of those characters find uncomfortable. They're allowed to be uncomfortable. How would you feel if someone shipped a picture of you with a picture of someone else then told you that you just need to curate your experience better? You'd feel pretty shitty. That's what you're telling people anon.

Yes we are all fictional characters. But we are also kinnies and still experience emotion tied to that. Stop being ableist towards people like me who can't control the way they feel about fandoms treatment of them. Suggesting we just get over it and do better by just blocking some tags is really gross.

#fictionkinfessions #dscns #ask response #mod party cat!#fakeclaim #ableism cw

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rachymarie · 1 month

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I was too scared to add these thoughts to the post i saw (bc i suffer enough my illness and its stigmatization to be further attacked by people being righteous in an ignorant way, feels like it would be walking into the lion's den asking to be targeted 😔) but Honestly I hate AI art as much as the next artist, but I noticed how toxic the anti-AI art space has all gotten.

People have been (what i can only hope is fake) threatening detailed and quite specific violence and stalking in tags and notes of some of the posts, against anyone who broke their rules just made due to Tumblr's fuck up.

Which isn't our fault bc some of us are actually not born in the 00s with AI on the scene and have been making "mistakes" since the dawn of Tumblr around 2009 when we were just teens and had no idea of this unforeseen consequence of simply wanting to share and credit other artists' work. I was thinking kinda "any publicity is good publicity", "art is made to be shared" and even reposted my own stuff to WeHeartIt back in the day to boost my traffic.

Tumblr didn't used to be so text-heavy and discourse-heavy it was free and light and fun, home of the artist and art-lover alike. No-one (well, many) meant any harm, wanted to celebrate and bookmark fellow artist. We wanted so much art we traversed websites for more.

The rampant ripping off of artists for AI is definitely a new thing, and it's completely fucked up. No-one was prepared for this, and the laws around it need a lot of work to protect us.

So maybe I am learning reposting is not ok (another etiquette i should have known but apparently didn't - I thought it was ok because I made every effort to credit profusely and I and I wouldn't have minded people reposting my art with credit if it helped traffic, but apparently it's not). But like I am disabled and don't possess the spoons and mental capacity to correct/take down every post. I did that spring-cleaning like once back in 2016 and I ended up in psychosis. I will correct what I can but understand I am struggling day today to keep up with basic tasks. I am barely awake most of the day. I am only ever living off adrenaline and fake energy from coffee. I am just one of the many mentally ill not to mention abuse victims/survivors.

Don't threaten violence to random people on the internet you don't know what they've been through. Most of us know you're joking (i hope you are tho i even saw tags saying not joking) but some won't and it is kinda ableist/saneist don't be this openly hostile to strangers

Tumblr is supposed to be like the one even moderately safe space we have to just exist as ourselves and y'all are making it scary being violent to us in our space heavily populated by traumatized and isolated people (like psychotics), a demographic already quite vulnerable to and with past traumas of violence and who already suffer with "delusions" thinking the world is out to get us. Don't make those delusions real

I say this as an autistic schizospec fellow artist, don't be so quick to bully people for making mistakes they can't easily undo and they are already suffering

i get that you're mad but stop it you are being mad at the wrong people. Be mad at the bastard corporations not your fellow person/s

Lets not make the internet any more hostile to struggling folks than it already is, that's icky

Many schizospec and mentally ill are struggling artists ourselves, we are some of the most deeply passionate, authentic and purposeful artists around. And we know more than any about being exploited. Our image is stolen constantly and misrepresented to further marginalize us. Please be more considerate

I know someone eventually gonna say annoying things like "it's not that deep, don't be so triggered it's not FOR you. Stop policing our language/freedom of expression BLA BLA BLA" But people literally threatened violence at thousands of people they don't know in a space heavily populated by communities vulnerable to and traumatized by violence, stigma and delusions of being targeted etc and I'm calling people out for it

#actually schizophrenic #schizospec #actually schizospec #anti-AI #toxic #tw violence #tw ableism #tw delusions #delusions #mental health awareness #mental health #mental illness #mentally ill artist #do better #tw abuse

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echo-of-sounds · 2 years

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I really want to talk about the utterly rampant ableism in the BNHA community, but I genuinely don't think people are ready for that. Like, I have an entire essay written already, and I have more to add to it.

Draw Todoroki with a dark scar. It isn't light pink. It's very noticeable (Same with Endeavor; Same with Dabi; Same with Toshi [they're scars; they aren't something to be ashamed about]). Don't belittle or call him an airhead for 'being dense' and not understanding social cues. Don't dumb him down.

Don't reduce Kaminari down to being a dumb, little idiot for his numerous neurodivergent traits. Same with Izuku. He isn't some 'precious bean incapable of understanding big adult topics like sex'. Every time you infantilize Izuku, it hurts. I see those traits you treat like he's a baby for in myself and others in my life. Treat them with respect.

Present Mic isn't some idiot for having ADHD traits. Stop acting like he can't function as an adult man. He has three jobs, knows two languages, and isn't once portrayed as being actively 'stupid' as people like to write him as.

Just stop reducing characters down to their neurodivergent traits you just so happen to find annoying (Iida, Tsuyu, Shouto, Hizashi, Bakugou, Kaminari, Izuku, Dabi, and more).

I'm typically not the biggest fan of villain characters as they just aren't my type, but it is so painfully clear how little people know when talking about trauma, abuse, PTSD, the entire Todoroki family, and just how utterly complex situations can be because I've seen armchair psychologist throwout NPD and ASPD onto Dabi because "he's a bad guy so he has to have a 'bad guy' disorder, right?". They'll call him psychotic and insane and treat him like he's disgusting and terrible with absolutely no nuance. There isn't a black and white, and latching already stigmatized personality disorders onto the villains just isn't the answer, particularly because I've mostly seen stuff like this from people who have stated they don't have those disorders.

Don't *magically* heal Toshinori's disability. He's missing fucking organs for Christ's sake. He has a giant scar. He is a visibly disabled man that's at the forefront of the BNHA narrative. If you make Eri or some other character magically heal him and his life is suddenly amazing again, it's insulting to every disabled person out there. And don't tag fanart of him or Dabi with #body horror. That's insulting on numerous levels.

And for the love of God, don't compare quirkless people to disabled people. They don't struggle with simple, daily activities. They aren't forced to spend days in bed because of pain. They don't have to take handfuls of medications to function at the bare minimum level. Being quirkless is not equal to being disabled.

I've also seen people equating being quirkless as being much better than being disabled, implying being disabled is 'less than' being a 'regular' person, which leads to the line of thinking that a disabled person is 'much more less than' a person with a quirk. And that's 100% ableist. We are not less than in any way because we cannot function on the same level as you may. I immediately get on edge when I see people talk like this, especially because the times I have seen it discussed, it was by abled people with none of our input.

I feel like I didn't word all of this how I wanted, but I just needed to get this out after seeing some horrible treatment of the characters.

#bnha #bnha fandom #mha #yagi toshinori #all might #yamada hizashi #present mic #midoriya izuku #kaminari denki #todoroki shouto #dabi #fandom #fandom ableism #tw ableism

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felinedetached · 3 years

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Fandom Ableism in the MCYT Community

[Edited 14 June 2021]

One thing I’ve noticed about the MCYT (Dream SMP, specifically) community on both Tumblr and Twitter is that when informed of things that are ableist, or harmful to ND people, a lot of people ignore the post/tweet, derail it or actively fight against it.

“I’m ND so I can’t be ableist” is a common statement, which is blatantly untrue. Even I’ve used ableist terms and phrases before, without realising they were harmful. So as a neurodivergent person, with autism, BPD, depression/anxiety, dyslexia, psychosis & brain damage*: here’s some common ableist things both CCs and fandom say almost constantly**.

*note that not every neurodivergent person will agree with me on these, but these are commonly ableist things people have previously talked about online, and/or have been discussed between me and other neurodivergent friends. No minority can ever speak for the entire group.

**note that a lot of these are common outside the MCYT community as well, and that some of these are just considered societally acceptable. This isn’t okay, but it explains why a lot of people don’t recognise jokes or comments like these are wrong, and it means that it’s not a direct moral failing of people that they don’t immediately or directly recognise these comments as wrong.

Now, let’s get into the things you might not have realised are potentially ableist:

1. Use of “Psychopath/Psycho/Sociopath/Schizo” and other demeaning terms for people with mental illnesses as insults, or to describe characters who are considered villainous. Psychopath/Psycho/Sociopath are already terms that people with ASPD dislike using, even not as an insult, but using these terms to describe people or characters who you disagree with or see as villainous only contributes to the villainisation of people with ASPD and other mental illnesses. Using c!Dream as an example: Dream as a character is not confirmed to have any of these mental illnesses. He is, however, commonly labeled as psychotic/psychopathic, incapable of any kind of compassion.

He is also a character that fandom largely insists that nobody is allowed to sympathise with. This is a huge issue, and has hurt a lot of people, especially people with low empathy, or mental illnesses that cause them to relate to some of c!Dream’s actions (e.g. pulling away from all his friends, desperately grasping at straws to gain control of situations etc). Insisting that these characters are characters it’s impossible to sympathise with, all while calling them psychotic/psychopathic/sociopathic, is extremely harmful, and I hope this post draws attention to that.

Here’s another post that talks about that.

2. Use of the term “freak”, in general. As an insult, “freak” has been typically used to insult neurodivergent people, people with visible physical disabilities (ex. “freakshow”, and the term was reportedly created with the intent of insulting people with physical disabilities), or people who display any kind of abnormal/atypical social behaviour/physical aspects — people who are usually ND people who lack a diagnosis or people with physical disabilities. Recent usage has come to mean “people who do things that hurt other people”, but this is harmful as well; using words like “freak” or “weirdo” which mean “socially atypical behaviour” to refer to people who are actually doing things that hurt other people conflates the two, and often has a side effect of hurting disabled people who see it.

3. Calling ND ccs like Technoblade monotone/emotionless. While the term “monotone” isn’t ableist in and of itself, the fact that it’s being used against a neurodivergent man who emotes in a different way to neurotypical people rubs a lot of ND people the wrong way. I’ve partially discussed this here, in a tweet responding to a person who said that c!Technoblade, quote, “has no human capabilities like emotion for example”. This, however, is not something contained to c!Technoblade — one of the most common jokes in this fandom is how rare it is to hear emotion in Technoblade’s voice.

The issue with that is that neurodivergent people almost universally agree that Technoblade emotes perfectly fine, and, in fact, emotes more freely and clearly than a lot of others do. Hence, calling him monotone perpetuates the idea of ND people as emotionless/less able to be hurt/less expressive, which often hurts us. It also contributes to the dehumanisation of ND people — related to how ND symptoms are most often seen in robots or monsters in shows — and is generally extremely harmful, on top of being untrue.

4. Related to point 3: the infantilisation of ND ccs like Tubbo and Dream, usually paired with assigning “caretakers” of their friends, like Tommy and George. This is about the posts that spread like “omg, Tommy helps Tubbo with his dyslexia, that’s so cute” or “omg George is so patient with Dream, I could never sit through that” on videos of Dream vocally stimming because of his ADHD. This is another post that talks about this, but I wanted to talk more about why this is harmful here.

4a) With Tubbo’s dyslexia, from someone with dyslexia, it isn’t harmful to correct his spelling and move on. Personally, I think this is helpful — others will think it’s condescending, because not all ND people are the same — but as the above linked post mentions, this is not what Tubbo’s twitch chat does. This is not what the comments say. It’s all things about how it’s “so cute” that Tubbo can’t spell, how Tommy/Ranboo are “so patient” with correcting him. This is rooted in the need to constantly watch over ND people while acting like we can't live our lives without someone having us under constant vigilance. It feels like savior-complex ableism, like people are trying so hard to not be ableist that they spin back around to hurting us instead. And it feels like we are being treated like children. Like we are lesser than, and need to be monitored/watched over.

4b) Similarly to what people do with Tubbo, the comments on posts about Dream’s vocal stimming are often full of people calling George “patient” for “dealing with it”, or claiming they “wouldn’t be able to handle it”. This is inherently ableist. They’re praising George for basic human decency towards ND people, and claiming in the same breath that they wouldn’t be able to do that themselves. And then there’s these.

These comments infantilise Dream — claiming he “wouldn’t be able to stop/calm down” without George’s help, implying he’d “spiral out of control” or claiming “everyone is now my child”. It’s all related to the infantilisation of ND people, and the belief that without help/a caretaker we cannot take care of ourselves.

5. The way people treat ccs who likely have undiagnosed neurodivergencies, like Wilbur. Wilbur has openly admitted on stream before that his parents considered getting him an autism diagnosis. He also openly admits on stream that he has habits he doesn’t understand why he does, and hyperfixates on things for months at a time and doesn’t know why. Posts like this have gone around Tumblr, in which Wilbur displays blatantly ND traits.

And fandom generally calls him weird for expressing those traits. This video where he talks about eating sand because he likes the texture? That’s an ND trait. This video where he talks about his irrational hatred for anteaters? While mostly a joke, irrational hatred of something when you can’t explain/understand/articulate why is also a common ND trait. He spends 20 minutes during a Philza stream info-dumping about self-sustaining ecosystems (sharing the photo, because I think it’s really cool) and fandom begins calling them “Wilbur’s weird jars”. It’s demeaning to people who infodump, and as a ND person who hyperfixates and infodumps it’s really upsetting to see. It’s also upsetting to see other ND traits being called “weird” or “freaky” & made out to be soley some funny joke for NT people to laugh at us about.

Additionally: It’s strange to me that people think it’s okay to make fun of ND traits just because they know that or perceive that the person they’re making fun of is NT. It’s still making fun of ND traits. It’s still insulting ND people. It’s still ableist as hell. Why is it okay just because the person is NT?

6. Implying that c!Ranboo’s enderwalking is inherently violent. Ranboo has shown us time and time again that the enderwalk state isn’t a violent state. That the enderwalk state isn’t a seperate version of c!Ranboo that does horrific things. Why, then, is it so common to imply that Ranboo would be violent and hurt people why he’s enderwalking?

It comes back to the perception of c!Ranboo as a character with “two halves”, or as a character with DID. Ranboo has made it clear that his character does not have DID, but this headcanon about his character persists, and it persists in a way that is directly harmful to people with DID — and to people who dissociate or sleepwalk. We do not commit horrific acts while we dissociate, while we’re sleepwalking, because the majority of the time we’re just checked out, our body is on autopilot. Insinuating that we do is harmful. Insinuating that Ranboo has “another half” that’s inherently violent or evil is harmful to people with DID. I’m not going to ask you to stop writing these headcanons etc, but please consider the effect you have on people before you do.

7. Related to point 6: the perception of c!Ranboo as “soft” and “cute” and/or perfectly moral because of his canonical anxiety. This is really harmful, and comes once again from the infantilisation of disorders like anxiety and depression. Ranboo has made clear time and time again that his character isn’t moral, and in fact is extremely inconsistent. He’s portrayed his character as inconsistent, as someone who hurts his friends unintentionally and often due to his want to please everyone, and yet he’s constantly seen as “soft/pure/the only moral one” because of his anxiety causing to have repeated and consistent spirals on-screen. These spirals are not healthy. They don’t indicate his “perfect morals” or make him more moral than anyone else on the SMP. Please stop infantilising people with anxiety, it’s really hurtful.

8. Implying that c!Technoblade is inherently a violent person because of his voices. I’ll admit here: my hallucinations are visual. I do not get auditory hallucinations, and I cannot speak for people who do. But many people have spoken out about this, and discussed how talking about Technoblade as an inherently violent character because of his voices is harmful, and a stereotype of people with schizophrenia.

Technoblade’s character is, in and of itself, inherently a stereotype (despite the fact that his chat are more likely to be a supernatural entity than a symptom of a disorder such as schizophrenia) in that the idea of “hearing voices that encourage violence” is a stereotype of people with schizophrenia. As an actual symptom, is a very uncommon one. More common auditory hallucinations for people with schizophrenia or psychosis are, reportedly, whispers or unrelated conversation. One of my friends hears screaming.

But the issue is with the implication that c!Technoblade is “driven to violence” by the voices. Canonically, he has dealt with the “bloodlust” of chat by grinding withers. He’s perfectly capable of being peaceful, even with “voices pushing for violence”, and he’s perfectly capable of being violent without the “voices” influence. It’s the connotations and the history that fandom has in demonising and villainising c!Technoblade for even having the “voices” in the first place, and acting having them makes him inherently violent and unstable. There’s precedent for that already in society, and it’s not okay to perpetuate it.

[Edit: as of 22/05/2021, I do experience auditory hallucinations, and I can confirm that I am not any more violent, and the voices I hear don’t push me to violence. The clearest one just said ‘click’ in my ear.]

9. Jokes about brain damage and the use of “brainrot” as a term. I made a post about how common jokes about brain damage are here, and I would like to reiterate bits of it.

Jokes like these are really really normalized in modern society. I’m sure a lot of you didn’t even register it as wrong, and that isn’t a moral failing! It’s a norm in society, and that means the majority of people arent going to register it as something hurtful, because it’s said so often. But it does still hurt. The idea of using a disability as an insult is really harmful and it feels dehumanizing, like our disability makes us lesser, something that should be laughed at.

“Brainrot” as a term originated in Skyrim, as a disease that literally rotted your brain. However, as a term, it has very similar connotations to “brain damaged” and has been used in similarly joking and insulting ways. It’s something that feels really off to me and other neurodivergent people to see used by neurotypical people. It even sometimes feels uncomfortable when used by neurodivergent people, even if it’s used in positive ways. I know quite a few people who have removed it from their vocab completely because of the connotations, and I have personally done the same. Once again, I am just asking you to please consider your words before you use them.

10. Calling c!Wilbur during his Pogtopia Arc “Vilbur”. Yes, he was a villain. Yes, he hurt people. But c!Wilbur during the Pogtopia Arc only has one major difference from c!Wilbur during the L’Manburg Arc: a visible depiction of mental illness, specifically paranoia and psychosis. Treating him as a seperate person and calling that seperate person “Vilbur” comes across as extremely hurtful, and contributes to the villainisation of mentally ill people. His mental illness does not excuse him from hurting people, but calling c!Wilbur “Vilbur” upsets a lot of us, because wether or not it’s intended, it feels reductive, hurtful, and insulting.

If you got to the end of this post, thank you so much for reading. I hope that this helped you recognise things that you might not have known were ableist, and that you consider what I’ve said here. I also know that I haven’t addressed everything ableist that’s spread through the MCYT fandom community, so if you’re ND and have something you’d like to add, please feel free.

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star-anise · 3 years

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Thank you for your reply. My ask was kind of all over the place. (I've done some dbt before with a previous therapist and it helped! But that therapist was not a good fit I'm at a new one now tho).

Random thing, you mentioned bpd I heard in my abnormal psychology class that a lot of therapists won't treat someone diagnosed with bpd??? It was the teacher who is a grad student studying to be a therapist who said it. And like. I don't understand. They sound like a very in need population who was often abused and there's a whole huge book of treatment resources written by someone with bpd. I've heard they're "hard to treat" and talked about like they're hopeless. but like why be a mental health professional if you don't like mentally ill/different people?

This is also the same professor who insisted trauma is only the few things listed under dsm ptsd definition as traumatic events.. like she said parents getting divorced isn't a traumatic event because you aren't physically in danger... that class really scared me about the mental health field because of all the awful people in it aspiring to be therapists including the teacher.

Sorry for all the asks I love the work you do on this blog

Ahahaha, what IS it about undergrad abnormal psych professors? Mine said he wouldn't touch clinical practice with a ten-foot pole, and told a story about how once a student told him she had schizophrenia, and he knew that she was lying because obviously nobody with schizophrenia could actually manage to attend university.

(It's seriously untrue. I've had both friends and clients with psychotic disorders who succeeded in university. He was being an ableist bastard. Like, I know psych students can tend to over-identify with a disorder they're studying without actually having it, but that doesn't mean no psych student is ever entirely correct about their deal.)

Okay so, BPD. The thing about BPD is that it requires a special skillset that does not come standard in most clinical training. If a therapist who doesn't have that skillset tries to treat someone with BPD, the therapy will not be very effective and the process will be very frustrating for both them and their client. To be very frank, it's just as true that ordinary therapists are bad at treating BPD and don't like feeling stupid, as it is that people with BPD are hard to treat.

(And training to deal with people with BPD clinically is often not included in grad school education. DBT training is expensive and they won't accept you unless you have an adequate clinical placement.)

Also, part of dealing with BPD in particular is... people with BPD often have trouble seeing authority figures with anything more nuanced than "adoration and compliance" or "fear and loathing". As a therapist, you're signing up as an authority figure. Part of the work means letting your client express all their feelings about you, and helping them work to something more nuanced and sustainable, like, "I am furious and enraged that I'm in pain and I wish my therapist could take that pain away, but I realize that's not within her power. I have to admit that she's not being an evil villain here, so I can feel my resentment but let it go."

Which can be stressful to deal with, as a therapist. You have to live with a lot of hurt and anger and rage headed your way, and keep your perspective. Be empathetic without getting carried away in those emotions. You have to be able to face that pain and say, "I can't take that away. I can only help you learn to bear it."

Basically everyone I know in grad school had a nervous breakdown somewhere along the line because we go to therapist school because we're smart and capable and feel good about helping people, so when we encounter a person we can't help, or are put in situations where we have to stop helping, we tend to have existential crises and end up sobbing in the student lounge about What Am I Even Good For Now. I was lucky because I had a version of that breakdown before I entered grad school, and my therapist warned me to get a new shrink when I moved for my Master's, "Because if you don't need one at the beginning, you'll definitely need one by the end." So I was more equipped to help classmates for whom this was a wholly new experience.

In my opinion, the healthy way to approach the problem of A Person You're Not Good At Helping is to practice humility, set reasonable boundaries, recognize the limits of your competence, and see where you can learn and grow. But many therapists and helping professionals use what I consider to be an unhealthy approach, labelling such clients as "defensive" and "resistant" and "hard to treat" and blaming them for the difficulty.

Which like, I get that "practicing humility" is like "doing exercise", sometimes you're tired and cranky and don't want to go for a run. Sometimes you just want to blame the other person for not accepting your magnanimous help.

Anyway, within the field of mental health psychotherapy, complex trauma is a unique sub-speciality that many therapists don't want to touch at all. I had many classmates say, "Woof, you're into complex trauma? You must be so tough, I could never." 🙄

(Technically I have the ethical obligation to represent my profession in the best possible light to encourage public confidence in the field of psychotherapy. But I think it's not undermining the profession to admit what everyone already knows, which is that some therapists are oblivious assholes who do bad work. I've seen it, I've met them, I want them to piss off forever. Jordan Peterson is a blight to our names and Phil McGraw can go choke.)

So people who are on your wavelength about BPD and trauma and What Therapists Are For are out there. They're just a little rarer than the usual run of therapists. For what it's worth, I've found they cluster more in areas like complex trauma, DBT, Narrative Therapy, and the Hearing Voices Movement. Next year (knock on wood) I'l be going to a conference on the treatment of complex trauma with a friend, and this sounds weird given that it's a weekend all about child maltreatment, but I expect it to be a blast, because I'll get to be among My People, talking about the work that fills our souls.

I really wish that as an undergrad, I'd spent more time hanging out with Social Work students, and going to conferences and trainings. Those are where I met some of the coolest people I really clicked with. And in grad school, I had the extreme pleasure of meeting other people who were a lot like me. Those friendships were especially rewarding because as skilled helpers, we ended up playing a game of Needs Chicken, where each tries hide their own needs and caretake for the other, which finally ended up in a standoff where we had to agree to put down our caretaking skills and just be honest about what we wanted, even if that felt new and scary and raw.

(Support me: Patreon and Paypal.)

#therapisting #advice about therapisting #borderline personality disorder #ableism tw #long post

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bondsmagii · 3 years

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gonna be honest, i'm really tired of people brushing off sexual harassment because somebody is autistic. I was harassed endlessly by someone who everyone thought was just harmless and autistic, who kept getting away with it because he was autistic, and I'm finding out now that he raped his younger cousin who was a child. as an autistic person can we stop acting like we don't know any better.

idk if this is directed at me re: the Chris Chan discourse, or if this is just a general rant, but for the record I totally agree with you.

in terms of Chris specifically, I'd like to reiterate once more that I'm not excusing her behaviour. I was just illustrating the difference in context. Chris is severely autistic, and as autism is a spectrum there are genuinely some people out there who cannot learn safe boundaries. in this situation, it's up to the person's caregivers to protect others from that person's behaviour. Chris's parents failed those women in that respect, and the caregivers of the person who harassed you also failed you. the reason I was pointing out the different context with Chris was not to defend her actions but rather because there were people in my inbox acting like she was an intentional predator doing it for creepy predator reasons, and not a severely autistic person who was incapable of learning otherwise and had nobody to set things right -- and because of this misconception, these anons were insinuating that Chris deserved the horrific abuse and torture I'd previously outlined. that's... just not on, imo.

in terms of a general rant, and going on from something I touched on above, I think it's important that people consider the fact that even if somebody is autistic, or mentally ill, or has a personality disorder, etc, they can still cause harm. there are people out there with these issues who do cause harm, and while some of them are genuinely incapable of understanding or preventing it, others are. some will even use their issues as an excuse. increasingly online, talking about any negative harmful behaviour in the context of any of these issues is seen as "demonising [issue]", but this uniform assumption also causes harm. if people had been more pragmatic about your concerns, they would have been capable of understanding that a person can be both a) autistic and b) dangerous, but unfortunately a lot of people see that as ableist. what is ableist is seeing somebody with a certain issue and assuming that they will act that way ("all autistic people are clueless and will harass me", for example), but being aware of the nuances is not ("some autistic people might not understand boundaries and therefore could harm me"). as soon as it became clear that the person who harassed you was in the latter group, people should have stepped in. I'm not sure why they didn't, but I know that attitudes these days often make people either reluctant to speak out for fear of being accused of ableism, or unable to speak out because they're met with attitudes like what you experienced.

it's an uncomfortable fact that a lot of people for some reason don't like to admit, but there are people out there with autism or with mental illnesses or other issues who are dangerous, and they are scary. they genuinely do not know better. acting like it's ableist to be frightened of an autistic person who cannot understand "no" invading your personal space and touching you, or that it's ableist to be frightened of a psychotic person on the subway who's raving about things and seems likely to get violent, is ridiculous. fighting ableism is not the ability to act like these things aren't happening, and to yell others down for sharing their contrary experiences. fighting ableism and avoiding being ableist yourself is the ability to understand that these things can and do happen, that some people fall on the side of spectrums where they are dangerous and they do need special care, but to understand that they are deserving of care and empathy and a safe place even if they're scary or violent or "creepy". it is unfortunate that people get hurt by this behaviour, but if more people were aware of said behaviour and less people acted like it was the height of ableism to acknowledge that sometimes people with disabilities can be dangerous or violent, there would be more in place to assist with this issue. "he's autistic; he can't help it" shouldn't mean "so we'll let him continue and turn a blind eye". it should mean "so we will remove him to a safe environment where he's unable to continue this harmful behaviour". that is the difference; that is what should have happened with the situation you described, and that is what should have happened with Chris.

I am very sorry that happened to you, and if what I was saying did seem like I was defending similar behaviour, I apologise. I hope I've managed to make myself clear, both for you and for other people who might have interpreted it in a similar way. if this was just a general rant, then yeah. I totally get it.

#anon #asks #chriscourse

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sys-garden · 2 years

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I feel like discussing ableist langauge is like...the recycling of the disability world.

is recycling gonna stop global warming? no because the biggest poluters are companies and military powers mainly from the U.S and the U.S would never tell them to chill out cause companies and the military gives the U.S power.

But you should still try to recycle ya know?

no longer using ableist langauge like stupid or crazy doesn’t get rid of systematic structures that make disabled people and mentally ill people have more struggles in life and live shorter lives.

for me its more about making you aware of people you may not think of often an what they go through. And how the value of intelligence and stigma of mental illness can hurt everybody even outside of the intended groups. I know not every disabled person or mentally ill person is hurt by someone saying stupid or crazy. like me for example I’m autistic and i got a psychotic disorder. does crazy hurt me? yes and no. It doesn’t hurt because if I let it hurt I would hurt alot. it makes you more aware and once you are aware of the problem you can do other stuff to address the problem, systematic ableism survives longer if the average citizen doesn’t care and doesn’t know.

But I also think the reason why the internet fixates on ableist langauge instead of other problems disabled people face is because the internet doesn’t know how to do other discourse and is very good at self-sabotage you know what I mean? Trying to limit ableist langauge would be like the first step maybe of being a good ally, maybe even 1/3 of step one but people keep on tripping on the first step.

#disablity #ableism #ableist #ableist language cw #tw ableist language #mental illness

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ardenttheories · 4 years

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Gamzee is also an ableist stereotype in addition to an antiblack one, specifically against people with psychosis. During Murderstuck he (at least initially) seemed to be experiencing hallucinations and religious delusions, and a number of characters describe him as psychotic, schizophrenic, lunatic, etc. Even though the voices he was hearing turned out to be coming from a possessed puppet, the writing still leaned into tropes that demonize mentally ill people

Another anon asked: The whole situation with Gamzee has me turning sour because he was a genuinely good person before he went sober and that’s... not how addicts act when they’re off something. Considering sopor has been confirmed to be dangerous I would even go so far as to say he would have been better if he was just left to process his addiction and rehabilitate normally but no. Make the sweet guy who cares for his friends an absolute monster. Thanks Hussie

The combination of these two points is, frankly, what makes me furious about Gamzee’s treatment in both Homestuck and Homestuck 2.

Gamzee is heavily coded to suffer from psychosis. My boyfriend has it; a lot of the things Gamzee goes through (the religious delusions, the paranoia, the violent thoughts and actions, the severe hallucinations) are things I’ve seen in my real-life partner. They’re things that happen specifically when he’s off his meds, when he’s at his least stable - and they’re things that genuinely harm him if I can’t help him or make him take his meds at a more regular time again.

It’s a real-life fact of psychosis. It’s not inherently bad to show a character suffering from these things, because in truth, that’s just showing how badly psychosis can affect a person - how scary it is to suffer from it when you’re the one seeing the hallucinations and the delusions, when you have that never-ending paranoia and nobody else does. When my partner goes through psychotic episodes, I am more scared for his safety than anything else - and that’s what, honestly, should be seen more in the representation of psychosis.

Instead? Hussie plays Gamzee into every fucking horror trope known to man. He becomes a violent, volatile murderer who acts without care for the people around him, who is terrifying and vicious and snaps only when he’s been off of his self-medication for a signifcant period of time, but specifically when there’s a trigger (so it seems “out of the blue” and unprovoked, which isn’t actually what happens with psychosis but hypes up that terror). It’s the perpetuation of the idea that psychosis is a scary mental illness that breeds murderers and that medication only “soothes the beast”, which is frankly disgusting. Especially when Gamzee’s first act after snapping is the methodical hunting of each of his friends.

It’s this reminder that people with psychosis “cannot be trusted”, even when medicated, because it’s only a slip-up that you’ll never see coming away from slaughter.

You know the worst thing my boyfriend has done while off his meds? Harmed himself. Taken drugs and drink and self harmed while I was sleeping and had no way of stopping him. His first instinct is to hurt himself. Not other people. Not to go hunting for victims. Even at his most volatile, with the worst intrusive thoughts of violence in his mind, he only ever hurts himself.

And this is what I hate the most about Gamzee’s situation. It’s just a perpetuation that harms people with psychosis, who already struggle with getting help and not being abused in institutions. It paints every good thing he’s ever done as some lie that hides the face of murder, when that’s just not how the mental illness works. Psychosis isn’t the “true face” of the person; the person they are while on medication is who they are.

That doesn’t even get into the whole concept of demonic possession that is often tied to mental illness in horror flicks. Or how often (historically) in religion “genuine mental illness” is subjected to psychological torture because people assume it’s demonic influence.

Yet, at the same time, he’s the perpetuation of every violent drug addict stereotype we’ve ever seen. Getting someone off of their addiction doesn’t inherently turn them into violatile murderers, but it sure is something media likes to portray - and, again, facilitiates this idea that the medicated self isn’t the “true” self, but rather “how the medication affects you”. As if that’s some sort of lie? As if dear, sweet Gamzee was never real, and everything he does after going off of drugs is what he’s always been.

It’s not only just completely wrong to real life situations - considering drug addiction is incredibly detrimental to the person and withdrawal is often one of the hardest things a person can go through, as well as an ongoing experience that sometimes takes years of dedication to achieve - but also just feeds in further to the anti-black stereotype (of black men becoming more volatile when denied their addictions).

It also just never goes into Gamzee’s withdrawal at all? Which is part of the inherent problem in Gamzee becoming a villain in the later Acts. You’d think, once he’s been forced to go cold turkey for that long and incapable of lapsing back into addiction, that he’d slowly start a very troubled road to recovery that brings back the sweet boy we saw in Act 5. But no. That boy never comes back. He gets off the sopor, and it’s this slow burn to continuous violence to enforce the idea that the initial view we got of Gamzee wasn’t real.

It’s why it’s so easy for people to hate Gamzee and to deny that any of his actions in Act 5 had any validity or weren’t just a facade. It plays into every negative stereotype and fear people have of psychosis and drug addicts wholeheartedly; it’s why Gamzee even works at a “villain” at all. He has these traits that people see as inherently villainous, and it’s hard to connect that with the kid who refused to adhere to the hemospectrum and showed genuine concern and care for his friends when we first saw him. It’s easier to ignore these inconsistencies than to question and criticise them - and to wonder if part of our fear/hatred of him is saturated in internalised abelism or racism.

#long post//#ardenttheories #homestuck critical #character analysis #Anonymous

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ittybittydragonfox · 4 years

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Mental Illness is Not Psychic Power

That’s a doozy of a title, ain’t it? But it’s true, and it reflects the lies I was told by my earth-and-spirit-loving pagan and witch communities growing up. For those that don’t know, I’m a lifelong witch of 25 years from a generational family that’s been practicing witchcraft for 200 years. My parents are also pagans. My father is a legal, ordained High Priest.

And despite all that spiritual education, I still grew up hearing these two phrases: “Mental illness doesn’t exist. All you need is to connect with nature and your spirituality.” “You’re not mentally ill, you’re psychic!”

Sounds a lot like “You’re a wizard, Harry!” And just like Harry Potter is a pile of fiction, so are these statements. Let’s talk about it.

I don’t talk about my personal demons too much, but I suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID). These two things combined have resulted in two very real symptoms that the pagan and witch communities like to attribute to psychic awareness: hallucinations (”Visions”) and erratic, unpredictable, sometimes strange behavior that is complete uncharacteristic of me (”Channeling”). Those that live with me (my partner and, in the past and near future, roommates) have gotten to see me do some truly odd things in an attempt to hide my illness, but the things I do when I can’t hide it anymore are even more strange. I’ve hidden in sheds in my pajamas in -20 F weather because I thought my hallucinations couldn’t follow me there. I’ve spoken in a heavy accent from a country I’ve never been to. I don’t answer to my name. I ask people I’ve known for years, in homes I’ve lived in for months “who are you and where am I?”

Growing up, I showed a lot of these odd symptoms. I do have psychic abilities, and so, when I started hallucinating at the age of 14, my parents wanted to believe my Sight/Clairvoyance was just showing me “new things”. But the fact was, my PTSD had been so bad, and untreated for so long, that I was seeing things that truly weren’t there. These are not spirits. They are my fears incarnated into visuals and sounds. The more terrified I became, the more my pagan parents, our churches, and covens would tell me that “everything is alright. These are just spirits. You know how to banish spirits. We’ll help banish them. You’re just getting more powerful. You’re just becoming more aware.” And no matter what I did, no matter how powerful the High Priest/ess in my church, no matter how in-tune the witch in my circle was, they could neither sense these spirits, nor banish them. They assumed that because my psychic senses are overdeveloped anyway, I was seeing something invisible even to most powerful psychics. The truth was, I was just a frightened child being followed around by a grinning, white monster created by my own mind specifically to scare me. And the constant sound of doors being slammed or dogs growling that only I could hear was keeping me awake every night and ruining my straight-A performance in school.

I’ve had DID since childhood, and my parents were used to my erratic, uncharacteristic behavior. They shrugged off my not answering to my name, and my friends seemed to just accept that I called myself by 20 different names. The truth was, I was dissociating, and an alter had taken my place. And no, I couldn’t control it. I still struggle with control. DID is not something I get a choice in. It’s not fun and it makes my life extremely difficult. I don’t enjoy waking up after 3 days to find that my friends have been trying to call me, I didn’t attend my doctor’s appointments, and I may have done any number of things, none of which I can remember. And that’s if I get lucky and wake up at home. My pagan and witch communities believed I was channeling, because I am a spirit worker, and they believed I was one of the best at it, save for the fact that I couldn’t control it. They believed when they spoke to me as my child alter, that they were speaking to the Young God, or a child spirit, through me. But they weren’t, and they refused to believe otherwise. They never questioned that they were talking to God or a fairy or what have you.

This comes from a misguided belief that mental illness isn’t real. Or that it can be treated with some herbs and yoga. Because of this, I spent 10 years struggling with my mental illness untreated. Everywhere I went, people looked at me as something to Be. “A powerful psychic who sees into a whole other world.” They viewed me as dramatic or gatekeep-y when I said I wouldn’t want others to have this “power” or that I wouldn’t teach them to see. But the fact is, I was incapable of teaching anyone anything about these skills. Because I didn’t have them. I had a mental illness, and my brain was rebelling against me.

This absolute denial that mental illness exists leads to people attributing illness with power. It’s not healthy, and it leads to a really harmful culture where people with mental illness can’t see that they need help, and they don’t get the help they need. Often times we end up with people with illnesses leading groups, sometimes working with the “visions” (hallucinations) they’re having. Or worse, we end up with this toxic idea that taking the medicine someone might need is hindering their awareness, which is some ableist bullshit I still fight with all the time in psychic circles.

I’m not saying that clairsenses don’t exist. I have them, and I believe in them, but there must also be a balance of discernment in the pagan and witch communities. We have to learn to accept the science: The brain is an organ, and it can malfunction just like any other organ can. Mental illness is an illness, and it often needs the help of doctors and therapists to treat it. Loving ourselves and building a better community means it’s time to examine this ableist bias, and do what’s right, so that we stop passing these gross ideas down to the next generation of magic-inclined folx.

My psychic community meant well, but in their effort to erase illness, they made me sicker and used that sickness as a reason to both uplift me and spite me. They gave me undue praise and anger for a thing I can no more control than someone else can control their diabetes. And worst of all, they blinded my family into not getting me help before these illnesses very nearly took my life. My parents almost lost their son to the depression that comes with PTSD. And it took them almost losing my sister too for them to understand that while we may have psychic abilities, we are also sick, and we need help. My parents have since become an active part of my and my sisters’ recoveries. They support us, where once they had been afraid of us losing something if we took these steps, and do their bests to uplift us. We’re both better. Neither of us want to die anymore. I’m on anti-psychotics and an anti-depressant now. I still have hallucinations but they are manageable. I’m in talk therapy, and I’ve learned how to decipher what’s the difference between me seeing a spirit, and me hallucinating. I still do spirit work, but I understand that my alters are not spirits possessing me. They are fragments of my mind, and I am reflected in them. I’m learning to come to terms with that and trying to go through integration. It’s a long road. I still see spirits. My medicine did not take that from me. I still talk to deities. My medicine didn’t take that away either. But my medicine does help me approach them without fear, and with certainty that they are real, and not a figment of my ill mind. And because of that, I can have a meaningful, fulfilling relationship with spirits and deities, built on trust and love instead of the innate fear of “not knowing”.

So for anyone out there who needs to hear it, because it’s important: You are not a failure in your faith or spirituality because you realized you are ill and sought help. Taking care of your mind does not make it, or you, weaker. Let’s change the narrative, and learn as a community that seeking help is how we grow stronger.

Jake

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psychotic-psypport · 3 years

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Thank you for your blog!!!

TW: media ableism, slurs, delusions, nonverbal auditory hallucinations, mentions of bullying, mentions of misdiagnosis

CW: infodump

How do you feel about reclaiming fictional characters who are written by ableist writers but nevertheless mean a lot to you? I have this one character, we are almost polar opposites in some important things, but I have always related to them so much in terms of mental illness, to the point of once, soon after I first met them, having a delusion on being them under human disguise with false memories (a thing in this canon, it is generally extremely psychosis-triggering and I'm making a list of the main triggers to post. Several affected me back then, but even though I still love that canon). That was way before I got diagnosed, first thought that they might be schizo-spec too and actually learned what schizophrenia is (pretty much in that order).

They are one of the core reappearing antagonists, and yes, that's as bad as it sounds. I'm on my way on going through all their appearances, but for now I'm mostly familliar with the later ones. So, I don't know how schizo-spec were they shown originally, but :))))) I know that the main character called them "m*d and paranoid" in one of the early appearances :)))))) F*CK. The character responded that everyone is, but they admit it. Fast forward to the time where the series died and after 15 years of books-and-audios-only was revived on screen: that's when things got HORRIBLE. The character got introduced into the revived series returning from being disguised as human with false memories, what I mentioned earlier — thanks for inducing delusions!!!!! Much appreciated!!!!!!! But this was, like, the least bad part for a while. The writers suddenly gave them a constant abstract auditory hallucination (four-beat rhythm, the heartbeat of their species) which they never had been mentioned having before, AAAAAND they got a delusion that it is "calling for them", and tried to turn Earth into a warship and conquer the universe thinking an eternal destruction might stop the drumming. Things are even worse because the actor still wanted to give them depth but the writer/showrunner 'pushed him to play "giggling lunatic"' (TV Tropes quote)! In their next appearance, still with the same actor and writer (also the last episode by that writer) they are still psychotic, but this time they have a lot of depth and it's honestly still my favorite episode in the entire show. But, don't know how it counts, but: their hallucination turned out to not be a hallucination but was implanted into their head as a child so that looking for the means to stop it they would save their home planet from the eternal war (the story is actually longer than I said it) and then the person who did this wanted to dispose of them.

Oh and yes I had this hallucination when I had the delusion of being them and thanks to that shit I thought it's more than a simple hallucination without any additional delusions :)))))))))

Their next several appearances, with a different writer and a different actress, are usually much less ableist in itself, but the actress constantly called them cr*zy/ins*ne/etc in interviews and there are some other gross ableist things. The previous actor and writer did that too. And the next, current actor and writer seemed to be a GIFT — they recognized them as mentally ill, recognized their depth, they did not call them names, they respected them!! And the actor is an absolute GOD in playing them. But some of the promos were f*cking ugly, and in the last interview the actor did, in the end, call them cr*zy. That was a full stop knife in the back. I could not believe it.

The main character is repeatedly ableist to them too — "m*d and paranoid", "psychiatrist field day", "a lunatic". Thanks, I hate it

So, why don't I throw it all into the Ableism Garbage Can?

They were pretty much the first character to whom I related in terms of mental illness. Like me, they were emotionally unstable, codependent, depressed, constantly on fire mentally, had lifelong identity crisis, and that was way before I learned what else united us.

Also, they, together with the main character, were bullied as a child, and it was the first time I saw a character who shared the traumatic experience which unfortunately shaped my whole life, and their experience wasn't mocked in any way. That meant and still means SO MUCH to me.

(and yes, this point was written by an entirely different person than those who wrote them in the revived TV series)

When I got diagnosed, I first thought that I was misdiagnosed — I thought I was autistic for a long time, and I got diagnosed with Pseudoneurotic Schizophrenia, which is a subtype of Schizotypal in my country, and many autistic people in my country get misdiagnosed as schizotypal. But I started to read about it and it was the first thing ever that explained what the hell was I going through.

(I still think I'm misdiagnosed — I'm most probably Schizoaffective bipolar subtype, but the doctors in the hospital didn't take my bipolar symptomatic in account. I'm going to a new psychiatrist this Sunday, and I hope to talk to him about it)

So I desperately needed schizo-spectrum characters to relate. Characters to relate were always a biggest thing for me, long before this one. Aaaand I first had a thought, then fully realized that they shared this experience to me, too.

I first met them five years ago, and got diagnosed half a year ago, all this time they were there for me when I most needed it, along with several other characters, but they are still the only schizo-spectrum character among them. I don't want to let go of them. I want to reclaim them.

What I told about are not the only instances of them showing schizo-spec symptoms, and I want to make a big post on it once, perhaps when I'm familiar with all their appearances. And I'm on my way, and I'm moving!

I'm also writing a fanfic about them, and I want to explore the topic, along with everything that I appreciate in them and a general deep character study.

Also: their homeworld used "insanity" as a term about them — it has probably about early XX-century concept of psychiatry (barring the sh*tty gender things, literally the only good thing about that society is a complete absence of gender), and back then it was a legitimate term for psychosis (please don't think I'm defending the early XX-century psychiatry or the character's homeworld). So, pretty much confirms.

My answer for this is probably gonna be a lot shorter than the ask, mostly because I feel a very strong pull in one direction.

It's ok to claim characters like this! Death of the author! Frankly, we've seen it happen a lot where the whole fandom of a piece of media goes "ok, my character now". It's especially understandable if you relate to this character like you do. Honestly, take what you can and take what you want from this and discard the pieces you don't want. You don't want to defend this behavior of course, but there's not a thing wrong with claiming this character as your own and finding yourself in them. You are allowed this, and you don't have to ask anyone's permission. Kinda like the other ask I got earlier, who finds themself in and enjoys the Shining, it's ok to enjoy it even if it's problematic. We don't get much representation, so mostly we come away with villains, which sucks, but you get to do with those characters what you please, no one can stop you from relating or feeling connected to the character. If they give us the scarcist representation possible, is it really a failing on our part when we connect with the few characters we find like us? I don't think so. It's only natural to seek these parts of yourself in media, and they just happen to mostly show up in an ableist/derogatory/stereotypical way with villains.

#ask #anon #answered #leviathan

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jadelyn · 6 years

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Heya. Recently saw a post of yours going around regarding mental illness and not having to censor your own experience, be constantly positive, offer up your success story ect. I suffer from clinical depression and anxiety myself and I was kind of interested in your referring to yourself as an "old crazy" and what not. A lot of times I feel like depression is more like a... comparatively "pretty" MI and like it's barely even valid to talk about having a MI in certain ways you know? 1/?

But you're confident enough with it that you'll say things like "old crazy" and just generally... treat it with the seriousness it deserves? I feel like there's almost two sides of it. When talking to nurotypicals yeah, depression is obviously a MI and our experience is way different from theirs, but when talking with other folk with MI's it feels almost like... whining? Maybe a bit like being a "small fat" in regards to fatphobia vs someone who is much bigger and receives more scorn for it? 2/?

Anywho, if there was a question in there I supposed it was going to be"is depression the only mental illness you suffer from? And what's your opinion on "reclaiming", I guess, stigmatized words like "crazy" when one suffers from comparatively less stigmatized MI's?" I mean I've got best friends who deal with hallucinations, family with bipolar disorder, in laws with disassociative identity disorder and I guess I low key feel like I cant even call myself someone with an MI by comparison. Idk. 3/3

So...okay. Let me start by saying, I’m really trying not to be an asshole about this. If I come off sounding like a jerk, it’s not intentional, and I’m mad at the ideas and social forces behind them, not you for giving voice to them in my inbox.

That said...fuck that noise.

My specific diagnoses are honestly nobody’s business but mine and my doctor’s. I’m pretty open about them here, but it does rub me a bit the wrong way to be asked, basically, “what are your Crazy Credentials?”

I’ve been formally diagnosed with chronic major depression and social anxiety. My therapist has made noises about C-PTSD a few times but never anything official, more just letting me know that some of the things I thought were shitty personality quirks actually fit the diagnostic criteria for C-PTSD and may be less my own fault than I think. And I’m about 99% sure I have ADHD, to the point where I’m about ready to seek out official diagnosis to see if I can get treatment for that in addition to my depression, bc I think it would really help me.

Short answer re my thoughts on reclaiming “crazy” as someone with...I can’t even bring myself to say “less severe” tbh considering that my depression has tried really hard to kill me several times over the past 20 years and has almost succeeded more than once, but someone who doesn’t have psychotic or personality disorders, is that if people use it against me I have a right to reclaim it for myself. And that has happened enough times that I’m feeling pretty confident in my Earned Right to call myself a bitter old crazy fucker.

I also suuuuuper object to the classification of depression as a “pretty” MI, even comparatively. Like. That shit made me drop out of college, cost me the first ten years of my adult life, I have literal physical scars from the self-harm I used to do because of my depression, I’d have died years ago if not for the family and loved ones who took care of me when I couldn’t take care of myself. None of that shit is fucking “pretty”. I hear you say it’s a comparatively “pretty” MI (and like I said, I’m not mad *at you* so much as the ableist cultural attitudes that make people think that about it) and all I can think of is the nights when I would be curled up as tight as I could get, sobbing so hard I couldn’t breathe, hating myself so intensely that if I could’ve spontaneously wished myself out of existence I would have. I think of the emotional neglect I perpetuated against the man I love, the way that him trying to take care of me left him with scars and issues of his own, and all I can do is offer my experience in how to cope with those kinds of things, I can’t undo it for him, I can just ironically use my experience of the depression that harmed him to help him learn to cope with his own. I think of the fact that I’m 32, but I’m a mere 4 years into my career, basically the point where someone in their mid-20s would be, because of the way my depression crippled my ability to work for so long. I think of the fact that I only stopped stashing razor blades around my living space “just in case” I needed to self-harm about a year or two ago, and even now I know without having to even pause that if I suddenly decided to go back to that, the exacto knife in my little home toolkit under the kitchen sink upstairs has a box of extra blades that I could use.

That’s...not...pretty.

But I think you’ve actually hit on a pretty perfect comparison in the “small fat” thing, tbh. I’m fat, undeniably so, but I’m a smaller fat, only a size 18. So there are parts of the “fat experience” I’ve never had to deal with, like having to use seatbelt extenders on an airplane or buy a second seat or get kicked off a flight.

But that doesn’t mean I’m insulated from fatphobia, including the deadly kinds like medical neglect. It doesn’t mean I can’t or shouldn’t call myself fat.

If you can look at someone who’s a size 16 or 18 and simultaneously acknowledge that said person is fat and faces fatphobia for it, and that they’re a small fat and that bigger fat people face unique issues that the smaller fat person doesn’t...can you do the same with MIs? If you have depression, or mood disorders or anxiety disorders in general, you are mentally ill and you face ableism and stuff because of it; at the same time, there are types of ableism that you aren’t targeted by since you don’t have a personality or psychotic disorder. Those things can be true at the same time. And it really sounds like you’re struggling with some internalized ableism around this, that you’ve picked up some of the general cultural attitudes around Real and Bad MIs like psychosis vs meh MIs like depression.

It’s okay, and entirely possible, to both understand that someone with a mood disorder faces a different level/type of ableism than someone with a personality disorder - and still understand that both of those people are still mentally ill, both of those mental illnesses “count”. There’s no mental illness olympics. Having different types of MIs results in different experiences, sure, but that doesn’t make people with mood disorders not *really* mentally ill.

We need to stand together, all of us, in fighting stigma and ableism around mental illness. Those of us with less-stigmatized disorders need to stand with those who have more-stigmatized disorders - but doing that doesn’t require that we minimize or dismiss our own illnesses or experiences.

Don’t let mundanes divide us against ourselves.

#depression #mental illness #suicide cw #self-harm cw #Anonymous #asks

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blancheharlow · 7 years

Text

Of All The Lies | SOLO

TLDR: Jeremy and Blanche exchange some words.

TRIGGER WARNINGS: Assault, Bad Language, Ableist Language, Bullying

Another day. Hopefully one where she didn’t almost die. She cracked her neck, trying to roll the achiness out of her joints. Blanche skipped a last glance in the mirror that day as she left the house. It just wasn’t worth it.

At least, that’s what she told herself. 10 minutes later, she was carefully checking her eyeliner in her rearview mirror. Blanche pulled into her parking spot, and sighed as she watched everyone rushing to enter the building before the second bell rang.

Blanche felt her heart sink into her chest.

Just until June. She just had to survive until June. And she could graduate and.... Well, she didn’t know what would happen then. Her father still wouldn’t speak with her. Her mother cast her disappointed looks. Maybe going across the country was the only choice.

Blanche took refuge in the bathroom by second period. People were getting to be too much for her these days. In previous years, it was easy to ignore the looks because she was actively trying to hide something. They could look all they wanted, say what they wanted, think what they wanted. What did it matter to her?

But they kept calling her crazy. Crazy, crazy, crazy. She wasn’t crazy. Blanche saw ghosts. Ghosts were real. Vampires were real. Things like that were real. There wasn’t any hiding it. There couldn’t be any hiding it. Blanche was sick of hiding it.

She remembered that boy yelling at her-- the other Blanche’s brother. That was a weird thing to think about. Blanche glanced in the bathroom mirror, brushing an eyelash off her pale cheek. She then saw a pair of eyes staring at her. She sucked in a breath, bracing herself against the sink.

“What are you doing here, Granny?”

“Why didn’t you let Reza kill him?” Granny fired back. Blanche pressed her lips together.

“Granny. You know that’s wrong. Reza wouldn’t have forgiven him.”

“Do you forgive him?”

Blanche straightened slightly. “Reza? It wasn’t his fault that happened.” Granny looked at her sharply.

“I didn’t mean Reza.”

She stared. “You mean Jeremy, Granny?”

Granny nodded.

Blanche sighed slightly, sniffing as she wiped her eyes. “Fuck no way.” Blanche said.

“I wouldn’t either.”

“That doesn’t mean I want to hurt him.”

“I know.” Granny agreed.

Blanche reached for her bag and dug around for some ibuprofen she wasn’t supposed to have on her. “We don’t hurt people Granny.”

Granny stayed silent for a moment. “There is... something wrong.”

Her fingers closed around the bottle of aspirin, and Blanche glanced up, guiltily. “I know.”

Neither of them said it.

“What do we do about it?” Granny whispered to her. They were both unwilling to admit it. Blanche didn’t know how this could have happened to her poor Granny. Blanche shifted.

“Stay away from Rebecca.” Blanche warned. “And whatever the hell that demon’s name is. She said... Rebecca said.... There’s other options. I think. Something about being reborn. And not just disappearing.”

“Blanche.” GRanny said sharply. “I don’t believe in that.”

“There’s got to be something that will make this right.” Blanche insisted, leaning forward to prop her leg up.

“What do you mean?”

“Granny. I’m not studying with Rebecca to get rid of you. She isn’t a ghost hunter. She does it to problem ghosts and those who ask her too.” Blanche said. “She helped people. I’m not doing it to make you angry. You should know that.”

Granny stared at her, unhappily. “I know.”

“I think I can fix this.” Blanche insisted. “I really do.”

“You’re a smart kid.” Granny agreed. “If only you would stand up straight...” Blanche let out a groan. “Or straighten your hair more, or even just put a little bit of makeup on that mole on your neck. And we--”

Blanche cut her off. “Enough.”

“Um--” Blanche’s head whipped to the door. A freshman was staring at her with wide eyes.

“I’m on the phone.” Blanche snapped, holding her phone up. She crutched out without another word.

“--I heard that girls that lose their tempers easily are more likely to be psychotic and get locked up before they turn 20.”

Blanche glanced up from her desk. Amanda was looking straight at her. They had a sub in Calculus that day-- Mr. Goodwin was practically asleep. Poor guy. Blanche raised her eyebrows, and leaned forward. Amanda was still staring, waiting for her to respond. She let out a sigh and swiped her books into her bag.

“Well fuck me gently with a chainsaw,” Blanche smiled mockingly at her, watch the shock sink into Amanda’s face. Blanche stood, swung her bag over her shoulder and started crutching to her next class.

That was probably the only good thing about being on crutches. Leaving class 5 minutes early. The downside was she barely had any friends willing to carry er stuff, other than AJ in the few classes they did have together. Blanche heard Amanda bite another insult at her, but she ignored it.

She didn’t need this. Could she do this until June? Why not just drop out now.... Blanche frowned, sighing as she blew a piece of hair out of her face.

Maybe she should just focus on surviving the day.

The rest of the school day was as uneventful as it could be. People were still giving her shit for what happened last Tuesday, added with whatever snark she had given Amanda that morning. Blanche could take it, she had a thick skin before this. It wasn’t like one incident was going to kick her ass.

However, she had been doing her damnedest to avoid Jeremy since the incident with Reza. She'd been doing pretty good until he cornered her as she tried to crutch to her car. Blanche felt someone approach from behind as she stood at her locker, and she had to bite back a groan.

Jeremy slapped the locker next to her as he leaned over her." I need to talk to you." He said. The fearlessness she shown the week before had evaporated. . Blanche pressed her lips together in a thin line, and slammed her locker shut. Her bag rested at her feet, and Jeremy leaned and swooped it up. "I'll carry your stuff." Somehow, she suspected his smile was not as friendly as he was pretending. "Come on."

Blanche grumbled and followed him. He has bandages up his arm, but otherwise he looked fine. She regretted staying later, wanting to avoid the buses and the parking lot drama. But that left hardly any witnesses in the actual school to help her. He lead her to an empty classroom, and Blanche paused. This was not smart. Jeremy gestured for her to go into the class room. Blanche let out a sigh.

Granny had disappeared since the incident, so she was fucked. There was no one to help her once this went wrong. Jeremy shut the door.

"Well this is creepy." Blanche said, dryly.

"Shut the fuck up," he snapped, dropping her backpack on a desk.

"What the fuck happened the other day?" Jeremy glowered at her. Blanche's eyes narrowed. Right. This was a thing.

"I don't know. I stayed after school for math, AJ had detention because someone beat his face in, and we heard a shit ton of commotion."

"Bullshit. There's no way both of you were just conveniently there while some fucking psycho bit me and caused lights explode like the fucking-"

"Can't you just be fucking grateful we were there to help you?!" Blanche cut him off angrily. Sure it was her fault that had happened, but it wasn't her fault that Granny decided to go batshit or that Reza couldn't control himself.

"Have you seen my arms? And my fucking neck? It looks like I was bitten and-" Her temper flared. She did not want to be having this conversation with someone had been tormenting her for years.

"Jeremy! Jesus fucking Christ, what do you want me to tell you?! Neither of us know what happened- what? You were bitten by a vampire that we fucking fought?! We saved your ass! I don't fucking know how any of it happened!"

“You’re lying.” Well, he wasn’t wrong.

“I am not. How the fuck am I supposed to explain any of it.”

"You have to know something you were fucking talking to yourself like the freak you are!" Jeremy spat, stepping forward, pushing her shoulders back. Blanche stumbled back.

"What the fuck, Jeremy!" Blanche snapped, steadying herself.

“What? Can’t back your words up, you stupid girl?”

"How about: I see dead people, you were attacked by a vampire and a poltergeist, and AJ was just fucking there you-"Jeremy's fist connected with her jaw, and Blanche screamed as she fell back off her crutches. Her cast bounced against the ground, her jaw and leg exploding in pain. Blanche cussed, trying to squirm away.

"Please stop!” Blanche spluttered, trying to move.

Jeremy was on top of her, straddling her to hold her down. Blanche looked up, violently jerking as she tried to break free. "Listen you little freak-" Jeremy bent inches from her face, and Blanche growled.

"Get the fuck off me you piece of-" Jeremy snatched the front of her sweatshirt, pulled her up and slammed her back on the ground. Bla

"Shut the fuck up! You walk around like you know everything when you don’t fucking know anything. No one gives a single fuck about you. They could care less if you fucking died, do you hear me? You're a scitzo freak who-" Blanche lurched, but her arms were pinned to her body by his knees. She was in pain, and she was still seeing stars.He shifted on her. Blanche groaned, tried to yell even, but she was having trouble breathing. She was panicking.

What was wrong with Jeremy-- Blanche groaned. SHe was seeing stars still, black spots in her version. His fist connected with her cheek again. Jeremy wrenched himself over to her broken leg. His knees pinned her arms to her side. SHe could feel him ripping at her leg, doing... something to her fucking cast---

“Maybe I’ll give you a fucking reminder of what you actually are. Plenty of room between all those fucking signatures from friends.”

“Get off!” Blanche gasped in pain.

Jeremy finished whatever he was doing picked up her leg, and dropped it. The plaster of the cast bounced and her leg felt like it was on fire. Fuck. “You told me I’d be a fucking disappointment in my life? Well you know what you’re going to be, Blanche?” He rarely referred to her as her first name. He turned back to her, the pressure on her arms relenting.

“Alone. Everyone thinks you’re fucking psycho. You should be locked up away from society so you don’t fucking give anyone a chance to--” Blanche had shifted, and suddenly she felt her fist connect with his face a loud whap. Jeremy was thoroughly unprepared for that, and he fell backwards. Blanche yanked herself out of his grip completely, snatching her crutch, and she bashed him in his already broken nose.

He let out a yelp and backed away holding his face. She was free. Blanche immediately tried to stand.

“You bitch!” He swore at her. “You ugly bit--”

“Don’t you fucking talk to me like that!” Blanche hissed, ignoring the fact that tears had sprung to her eyes. Probably from the pain.“You don’t get to talk to me like that you son of a bitch! All you do is focus on what other people think about you and you let your fucking emotions get the better of you-- You’re a fucking dickhead. I’d rather be alone that have friends like you assholes.”

Blanche angrily wiped her face. Jeremy held his hands up in surrender. Clearly he was unable to take the pain and Blanche felt herself roll her eyes. She steadied herself on a desk, straightening blouse. Blanche looked down a her cast. There was angry words written all over it--- Blanche looked at the uncapped sharpie that lay forgotten on the ground.

Bitch. Scitzo. Freak. Ugly. Creep. Various ugly black lines all down her cast. Tears sprang to her eyes. Goddamn it.

This wasn’t about what had happened the other day with Reza. This was about revenge for calling his out in the parking lot. He had planned this all along.

She had hit him too. That was a fucking problem-- she could easily get in just as much trouble. His eye was starting to swell and one of her rings had given him a tiny cut on his forehead. Blanche prodded her jaw carefully. Ouch. That wouldn’t be anything she couldn’t cover with more makeup, hopefully.

Jeremy was still on the ground. Things diffused the second Blanche had hit him back. Clearly he wasn’t used to jumping someone without his posse.

“You--”

“Don’t fucking talk to me!” Blanche seethed, leaning against a desk tiredly. “You are garbage!” She spat, and Jeremy glowered up at her, holding his nose. “You treat everybody like fucking dirt to feel better about yourself and if you don’t start changing your fucking tune you’re going to be the one that’s alone.”

Jeremy hustled to his feet, though Blanche wasn’t really ready for a round 2. But he just leaned forward. “Fuck you. Someone will knock that pretty little head of yours off your shoulders someday. You’ll fucking see-- this town is fucked up. And when that happens you’ll see who comes to your fucking funeral.” Blanche’s eyes narrowed. “Fuck you, bitch. And stay the fuck away from me.” He was about to jab her in the shoulder, but Blanche slapped his hand away.

“Don’t you dare fucking touch me, you piece of shit!”

“Bite me!” Jeremy snapped. He pushed her again and fucking stormed out pf the classroom. Blanche stared at him in disbelief, before some sort of hysterical laughter bubbled out of her. Bite me?!

Jeremy stopped, turning to look at her. “What?”

“You’re fucking kidding me?!” The laughter bubbled out of her, showing no sign of stopping. “Bite me-- goddamn it. You couldn’t come up with something less ironic. God, you’re such garbage.”

He looked like he was going to come after her again, and the words fell out of her mouth before she could stop them.

“And if you or your buddies fucking touch me , AJ. or anyone again I’ll call that person back and deliver him to you personally. Fuck off.”

Jeremy stared, eyes going wide at the threat. And then he was gone, slamming the door behind him.

Blanche sank into her desk, half laughing, half crying, hysterical. Blanche felt Granny behind her, but she ignored her, her head dropping into her hands.

Granny’s voice floated to her. “At least you finally learned to threaten people dear.”

#solo #solo blanche #solo blanche 8

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meriisgreatlmao · 7 years

Text

TLDR: Jeremy and Blanche exchange some words.

TRIGGER WARNINGS: Assault, Bad Language, Ableist Language, Bullying

Blanche felt her heart sink into her chest.

“What are you doing here, Granny?”

“Why didn’t you let Reza kill him?” Granny fired back. Blanche pressed her lips together.

“Granny. You know that’s wrong. Reza wouldn’t have forgiven him.”

“Do you forgive him?”

Blanche straightened slightly. “Reza? It wasn’t his fault that happened.” Granny looked at her sharply.

“I didn’t mean Reza.”

She stared. “You mean Jeremy, Granny?”

Granny nodded.

Blanche sighed slightly, sniffing as she wiped her eyes. “Fuck no way.” Blanche said.

“I wouldn’t either.”

“That doesn’t mean I want to hurt him.”

“I know.” Granny agreed.

Blanche reached for her bag and dug around for some ibuprofen she wasn’t supposed to have on her. “We don’t hurt people Granny.”

Granny stayed silent for a moment. “There is... something wrong.”

Her fingers closed around the bottle of aspirin, and Blanche glanced up, guiltily. “I know.”

Neither of them said it.

“What do we do about it?” Granny whispered to her. They were both unwilling to admit it. Blanche didn’t know how this could have happened to her poor Granny. Blanche shifted.

“Blanche.” GRanny said sharply. “I don’t believe in that.”

“There’s got to be something that will make this right.” Blanche insisted, leaning forward to prop her leg up.

“What do you mean?”

Granny stared at her, unhappily. “I know.”

“I think I can fix this.” Blanche insisted. “I really do.”

Blanche cut her off. “Enough.”

“Um--” Blanche’s head whipped to the door. A freshman was staring at her with wide eyes.

“I’m on the phone.” Blanche snapped, holding her phone up. She crutched out without another word.

“--I heard that girls that lose their tempers easily are more likely to be psychotic and get locked up before they turn 20.”

She didn’t need this. Could she do this until June? Why not just drop out now.... Blanche frowned, sighing as she blew a piece of hair out of her face.

Maybe she should just focus on surviving the day.

Granny had disappeared since the incident, so she was fucked. There was no one to help her once this went wrong. Jeremy shut the door.

"Well this is creepy." Blanche said, dryly.

"Shut the fuck up," he snapped, dropping her backpack on a desk.

"What the fuck happened the other day?" Jeremy glowered at her. Blanche's eyes narrowed. Right. This was a thing.

"I don't know. I stayed after school for math, AJ had detention because someone beat his face in, and we heard a shit ton of commotion."

"Bullshit. There's no way both of you were just conveniently there while some fucking psycho bit me and caused lights explode like the fucking-"

"Have you seen my arms? And my fucking neck? It looks like I was bitten and-" Her temper flared. She did not want to be having this conversation with someone had been tormenting her for years.

"You have to know something you were fucking talking to yourself like the freak you are!" Jeremy spat, stepping forward, pushing her shoulders back. Blanche stumbled back.

"What the fuck, Jeremy!" Blanche snapped, steadying herself.

“What? Can’t back your words up, you stupid girl?”

"Please stop!” Blanche spluttered, trying to move.

"Get the fuck off me you piece of-" Jeremy snatched the front of her sweatshirt, pulled her up and slammed her back on the ground. Bla

“Maybe I’ll give you a fucking reminder of what you actually are. Plenty of room between all those fucking signatures from friends.”

“Get off!” Blanche gasped in pain.

He let out a yelp and backed away holding his face. She was free. Blanche immediately tried to stand.

“You bitch!” He swore at her. “You ugly bit--”

Bitch. Scitzo. Freak. Ugly. Creep. Various ugly black lines all down her cast. Tears sprang to her eyes. Goddamn it.

This wasn’t about what had happened the other day with Reza. This was about revenge for calling his out in the parking lot. He had planned this all along.

Jeremy was still on the ground. Things diffused the second Blanche had hit him back. Clearly he wasn’t used to jumping someone without his posse.

“You--”

“Don’t you dare fucking touch me, you piece of shit!”

“Bite me!” Jeremy snapped. He pushed her again and fucking stormed out pf the classroom. Blanche stared at him in disbelief, before some sort of hysterical laughter bubbled out of her. SHe sank into a desk, half laughing, half crying. Blanche held her head in her hands.

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