#work life balance i say as im trying to work every single day | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

pigeonwit · 11 months

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do you have any javey fic recs for a poor starving child? (the longer the better)

[willem dafoe voice] you know im something of a Javey Connoisseur myself-

i'm gonna try not to name too many of like. The Big Ones since you've probably read those already but. i am probably going to have a few in there. there is a reason the writers in every fic rec list are in every fic rec list you know? (also i have a poor understanding of tumblr boundaries so just to be safe i'm not gonna tag anyone outright. dont wanna annoy anyone) okay then! fic recs under the cut:

when we were younger by @/we-are-inevitable (also we-are-inevitable on ao3) - sentimental backstory: i was wayyy too early to work cause i live in the middle of nowhere and my buses get me there with at least an hour to spare, so i was looking to kill time and found this! and i thought about it for the rest of the day. so technically it is this fic and this author's fault for making me break a sundae glass. it's just the sweetest tenderest fic i've ever read; jack and davey are high school exes who stumble back into each others lives by complete chance, except now jack's a single father. i've read a few 'single parent' javey fics and they're all lovely, but this one stuck out to me because jack's daughter is actually a teenager. which works really well because we-are-inevitable does a wonderful job at capturing davey's Vibe of displacement in his everyday life (something i especially love about davey as a character) so it's really nice seeing him be able to naturally connect with jack's daughter and jack's life as a whole. it makes the moments of everything all coming together for davey - him finally feeling like he Belongs somewhere naturally, in a way that makes sense - it makes it all feel much more wholesome. it has enough angst to keep things interesting but it focuses much more on jack and davey reconnecting and being able to care for one another the way they weren't able to before, all while maintaining this heartwarmingly domestic family dynamic that i just adore. so it's lovely soft reading for a cozy afternoon (or you can just chug it in under an hour at a garden centre cafe if you're like me - but it's much better if you go slow with it and really let all the sweetness sink in :) )

tied together by @/penzyroamin (or PenzyRome on ao3) - penzy has so many BANGER multichaps and my claim to newsies fandom fame is that i actually helped a little bit when she was developing this one!! it's a beautiful and heartwrenching jack character study told through a soulmate/red string of fate au which works just,,, SO well with jack's issues with being seen and loved and loving others. it's also southern! there's farmers markets! and chubby jack/buff davey supremacy. it's angsty and messy and poignant and beautiful and all about learing to love yourself enough to let yourself be seen entirely ,and letting others make the choice to look at you and say 'this is what i want' - but also learning that it's not a reflection on you if it turns out that you weren't what they wanted. if i'm feeling down about myself i'll read the scene where jack and davey reunite in chapter 4 and just,,, Feel It. something about someone seeing the ugliest parts of you and still not wanting to forget you... ough. love it. gorgeous. mwah.

keeping promises by JewishDavidJacobs on ao3 - an FBI au where davey replaces denton at jack's agency, and jack is furious about it. 32 chapters and almost 90k of found family, enemies-to-fwb-to-lovers, recovering from abusive relationships, learning to be loved, learning you're ALLOWED love despite whatever flaws you have, and davey's patented inability to maintain a healthy work-life balance. it's everything i want as a davey stan. it's got a meaty white-collar crime subplot that keeps the conflict and tension going, and really adds to the friction between jack and davey as they navigate their very complicated relationship with each other. it's messy but it doesn't overstay it's welcome on the messiness - you get just as much of davey and jack being a healthy, loving, functioning unit as you do of them being disasters. that being said, be careful with the content warnings; past abusive relationships of both familial and romantic natures, and terminal illness/background character death.

across enemy lines by JewishDavidJacobs on ao3 - davey and jack are in an established relationship, but when davey gets hired as pulitzer's assistant, it creates a divide between him, jack, davey's family, and the newsboy union as a whole. it's VERY heavy on the davey whump and scratches the itch i have as a davey kinnie to make davey suffer as much as humanly possible. it focuses a lot on davey's homelife, the antisemitism he faces every day, his feelings of displacement in all the units he's meant to be a part of (school, the newsies, his family, etc), and again, davey's patented inability to maintain a work-life balance. as much angst and whump as there is, the final few chapters more than make up for it in terms of sweetness and catharsis and all that found family goodness. it also does a really great job of humanizing pulitzer and acknowledging the progressive aspects of him as a person while still being aware that this dude was a wealthy victorian capitalist and not actually some secret good-guy.

lovely bitter water by illinoise on ao3 - fairytale au javid where davey is a fairy sent to help pirate!jack find his happiness, which jack does NOT want him to do. it's got a wonderful stardust vibe that really makes you feel like you're reading an actual queer fairytale, which filled a void i wasn't even aware that i had. it's a wonderful exploration of both davey and jack's self-sacrificial natures and how they clash agains each other in that respect, which creates this fun enemies-to-lovers dynamic where they learn to understand and respect and pine for each other. the world is wonderfully set up and it incorporates the other newsies characters (including katherine, there is SO much respect for katherine in this fic) in really fun ways!

like real people do by @/loving-jack-kelly (AsperJasper on ao3) - now i know you specified 'the longer the better. full disclosure, this fic a oneshot of around 4.5k. HOWEVER, it does such a fantastic job of capturing this otherworldly ambience that makes it feel like the story just keep stretching onwards that i can't NOT recommend it. to summarize, davey lives in a small medievial-esque village and seeks out a fae (jack) to wish to alter his life. the world is so well-defined, and the rules of magic and jack's backstory are all so interesting that you just want to read it forever. if 'lovely bitter water' is a classic fairytale, this is a CELTIC faerytale, and i am nothing if not a devout welshman. it's raw and abstract and poetic, it draws beautifully on davey's desperation to make his family proud while still wanting to live his own life as just Himself, and it actually inspired a little babie au i'm noodling on! highly recommend.

these are the ones i could think of off the top of my head; i didn't want to pick too much of the same or pick too many that you'd probably read already, although it's possible you might've. read all of these already. they are REALLY good. if that's the case feel free to ask for more!! but if not i hope you like these fics like i did :))

#newsies #javid #javey #davey jacobs #david jacobs #jack kelly #anon #ask #fic recs #fic hoard

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9w1ft · 3 months

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Hi, this isn't really a Kaylor ask but as someone who has been following your blog for a long time, I was wondering if you could give me any advice about work-life balance?

Not just work and life, but also a wide variety of things — health, fitness, hobbies, social life, personality improvement, etc.

It feels like whenever I try to focus on one aspect of my life, I end up neglecting the others and so I'm always returning to square and moving very slowly ahead. But I'm also not good at multitasking or routines. Am I the only adult who's not able to get their life together even though it shouldn't be that hard? :(

hey! oh wow last night i was having dinner with a preschool mom friend of mine and we were talking about how hard this is!

i definitely don’t have a complete answer for you because i’m an entire work in progress 😭 and also everyone is gonna be a little different based on personality and life situation, but, here are some things that have worked for me. maybe something resonates for you!

i think one reason why i adopted the tea habit for me—aside from wanting to clean out my cabinets— was because i wanted to have a small victory for myself each morning. with habit building, some people will drink a glass of water first thing in the morning, or do a quick breathing exercise while still in bed… sometimes people do mantras or self affirmations. in essence, it’s something that you can set yourself up to complete with very minimal effort, and that will help you start off your day with a small sense of accomplishment. i’m a simple person… when i feel productive at the start of my day, im more likely to have a productive rest of the day 😆 and i can trick myself to feel productive simply by pressing a button on a tea kettle first thing every morning!!

alright, so, as for balance.. i think it’s important to recognize that work-life balance is less about achieving a perfect balance but more about getting better at knowing when you should prioritize something and then tipping the balance board in that direction with intention, maybe loosening your grip on other things that command your attention, or even streamlining them temporarily to make leaning into the one thing easier.

i’ll give an example i read about somewhere. i think for a lot of people, the holidays can be a stressful time. especially if you’re running a household or doing some amount of activities for other people, prepping and shopping and planning and getting ready for events or parties or gift giving can put a huge weight on resources and you might find yourself neglecting daily household tasks like dishwashing or laundry or self care. even if you arent the head of a home, it’s a stressful time of year and the stress can put a damper on your mood! one strategy i read about that i partially tried this holiday season was to temporarily change parts of your house and life into holiday mode: pack away all but one set of dishes and silverware, pack away or push aside your wardrobe and pick out five outfits that you’ll wear for the next few months, and streamline your daily beauty process (some examples are, cutting your hair short or getting a perm or treatment, putting all your skincare and makeup away and just using an all-in-one cleanser/moisturizer and like, one palette of makeup etc etc). basically the person was saying, it’s good to be mindful of the season that you are in and transform your space into battle mode when you need to. by taking away many of the options and streamlining the decision making process, it helps you focus more on getting through whatever it is you need to get through with. what i did was the dishes thing. i packed away everything but a single set of dishes for the family and went through december and january like that. the benefit is that it lowers the hurdle of dishwashing giving it a cap of about 15 minutes, whereas the stresses of the holidays often lead to reaching for another dish and another and another, just because you have them, in lieu of tending to the sink, and before you know it you have an hours long task. i’ve actually kept a lot of dishes stored away still because of how much easier this is 😆

in terms of work, i’m not sure your age or occupation but in case you’re in a 9-to-5 type situation i think it’s important to remember that most people are simply not paying attention to you. everyone is first and foremost focused on themselves. it’s a simple thing but i think it’s hard to remember. especially if you are a hard worker that naturally wants to do the best job that you can. it’s okay not to get it perfect. in fact, the most successful people, i think, are great at giving 80 or 70% consistently and quickly, in contrast to someone who gives 110% but sometimes burns out or often takes forever to make a decision.

there’s a japanese phrase called “saba yomi” which literally means “read the mackerel” and nowadays it is used to describe the act of estimating numbers in one’s favor (for example saying you are 25 when you’re actually 28). but it originally comes from the work of commercial fishers that pull in huge nets of mackerel, and how they report their numbers. in the olden days, refrigeration technology was not where it is today, and when there are hundreds or thousand of fish in a haul, you simply couldn’t take the time to count every fish in the net, take out the similar looking fish, etc, to get an accurate count, because the longer you take, the worse the taste of the fish would get. in other words, oftentimes, accuracy sacrifices quality.

when you can put down the armor and realize that not many people are paying attention to you granularly, i think it’s easier to let go of a need to get every detail of work perfect. and ironically in some ways, this can make you better at your job.

i think a common thread to everything i wrote is the idea of checking in with yourself and talking with yourself about what situation you’re in and how you’re going to approach it. this week work is gonna be busy so i’m just gonna wear these clothes and just do this hairstyle and power through, and this way i won’t have to have a huge pile of laundry and a messy bathroom to get through at the end of it. or, today im feeling like i’ve got a cold coming on so im just going to give 80% effort today and give myself a quiet moment later on in the day to relax. or, im not going to get everything right for awhile but ill do something simple each morning that i know i can do, and congratulate myself for it right away.

i hope there was something in here that helps… at any rate, be kind to yourself!! every day is a miracle in its own way.

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welcometomyoasis · 4 months

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-🌱

omg okay first of all im so sorry i spammed your inbox, second of all (😊) heres the link (ofc i wanna be moots!!!) https://www.tumblr.com/nonononranghaee/741224622870216704/met-the-other-half-fair-warning-shes-a-loser?source=share

(But i just wanna let you know that this is like a shared (?) account b/w me and like a friend (i write and she manages the account) and for some reason i can't send asks with this acc that aren't anonymous which is why i used this one😭. I had to beg her to send the photos because it just wasn't working. and omg lets be moots!!!)

Okay and third of all, i so agree with you. I totally believe that love did in fact exist once and i also have gone what i thought was a crush but in fact all i wanted was to be friends with the person. But i really dont believe it exists now. (This is ironic as im literally writing soulmate au fics right now) but yeah. I cant honestly say ive ever had a crush in my life. I told this to my friends and they were like what abt your parents? and the thing is i believe that they got married and then started to care for each other and become affectionate. I dont think they love each other, i do think they care for eachother. There are sm stories in my religion that show the love i believe in, like so many and idk i feel like of they existed 1400+ years ago they should exist now but they dont. And youre right, true love is like equal balance, its not one person being obsessed, its not both people not caring. Its equal. And youre so right abt the right person wrong time things but the thing is sometimes ppl find a really good person and then they cheat. idk i just really want to believe in love but i dont. its more like i believe in the idea of love, not its reality.

And again so sorry for the deep talks (idk what it is abt you shu you make it so easy to talk to you!) have the bestest day! and god help me because i managed to start soulmate au fic 2 but ive only done like 300 words. I cannot wait for the angst fics!!! also ly take care!! and sorry for the spam!

-🌱 (call me hafs if you want but being called 🌱 anon brings me sm memories, and is so so super adorable)

(my friend's a computer whizz so imma ask her to try and fix my tumblr so i can send you asks w/o being anonymous!!!)

first of all, don't worry about spamming my inbox! i'm sorry if i take longer to reply... also i just followed you <3 idk whether you can see it or follow me back? is that account a secondary one or a primary one because secondary accounts (or side blogs) can't send asks or follow people. but i'm just going to take it that we're moots okay 🤭 have a good day lovely! ly and take care too!

rest of my reply below the cut. warnings: cheating

soulmate aus are different, they are based on the idealised notion/ belief that there is someone out there who is fated to be with us. it's supposed to be an au for a reason so it's totally normal to write about it but not believe that true romantic love really exists.

of course, i totally agree with you that someone could find a really good person and then cheat. that's not right at all. in those cases, to me, it's that the cheater was taking their s/o for granted.

romantic love as a whole is just very very complicated. there are too many nuances and specificities in every single relationship's dynamics. i think it's totally normal and it's completely okay to not believe in romantic love. it's okay to question something which is romanticised (no pun intended) because of how reality plays out. it's normal to become disillusioned with what we've seen as we grow up. what is considered ideal or the perfect, true romantic love in our minds or even what is sold to us as true romantic love in tv shows, books etc., does not translate to reality, and that's just life? that said, personally, i still believe in the concept of love because there are so many different forms. familial love, self-love, platonic love etc. romantic love, i still hope to be able to have that one day, but for now, i think it's just a dream or delusion i tell myself...

seriously, you don't need to say sorry about all the deep talks haha. i actually love really deep talks and discussions like this. i could spend hours talking about these things.

aww thank you for saying that i'm easy to talk to, you're really easy and fun to talk to as well! and omg go you can do it! starting a fic/ any piece of writing is always the hardest part so good job for getting over that hurdle! i got to get some work done but i promise to check out the fic soon okay! i might reblog from my side blog @\hansooasis if i'm not online here!

also just putting it out there, you can send me asks or dms, i really don't mind either way. but if you do dm me, maybe dm me from my side blog? it's linked to my phone so i actually check it more haha.

#letters for shu ✏༝༚༝༚#anons ✮⋆˙#🌱 anon ✮⋆˙#hafs ⋆˙⟡♡#shu's moots ᰔᩚ

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femmesandhoney · 1 year

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no one in my family growing up would cook bc my dad and brothers refused to ever do it and my mom was the only one expected to but worked full time on top of looking after us kids and also hated it. She would try to get me to do it but never asked my older brothers so i refused out of spite. And so we all ate individually and lived off microwave meals and snacks.

As an adult i learnt to cook and love making things that are actually nutritious from scratch. I do get somewhat neurotic about not eating frozen meals/junk food but growing up on that has given me lifelong health issues. When people who grew up on homecooked meals for dinner every night call me snobby for avoiding overly processed food my eye starts twitching lmao.

I do wonder tho how many women have a weird relationship with cooking due to it being on one hand, a life skill everyone should have that has a huge impact on general health but on the other hand is something most girls were expected to do for their families and to be a *good wife* for future husbands, and so refusing to learn is almost a rebellion against that. Even now, i love cooking for myself but cooking for other people... nope cant do it :/. Especially not for a man, but ive had female roommates i was cooking for who would joke about me being their wife and start making demands about what i should make, get annoyed if i was too busy to cook, and expect me to cook for anyone they brought over. Its like any women who's doing the cooking is looked down on (even if the food itself is praised) and everyone forgets shes doing them a favor, while men who cook are fawned over.

And i kinda hate how, especially on tumblr cooking for someone is considered an act of love. On one hand i agree, cooking for someone *can* be loving and intimate, but on the other its just like... its almost exclusively women who are expected to cook routinely and its not some fun, loving activity, it's an exhausting chore and if she doesn't do it no one else will.

Sorry for the long rant on cooking, but i cant talk about these things in my real life without everyone thinking im being crazy and over thinking things lol.

"When people who grew up on homecooked meals for dinner every night call me snobby for avoiding overly processed food my eye starts twitching lmao" no i understand this completely anon! as my mom was a single mom, most of the meals i had when i was really little were frozen or microwaveable, it wasn't until i was older my mom started cooking more or at least buying hot meals/ready made fresh food from the grocery store that we were actually eating less processed food for once. my grandma, though, was an amazing cook, so i know my mom grew up with good food every day, that was just expected of moms back then too like you said. so whenever i cook, i love love love just cooking stuff from scratch as much as possible.

and while i get what you're saying overall, and you're right lots of women don't learn to cook as a fuck you to gender roles, i was thinking of my friend and her sister and mom. there's no man in that household lol, so there's not any form of "you should cook while your father/brother sits around". i think probably her mom rebelled against it as a kid and never learned and just never taught her kids then, which is sad af.

i'm sorry your roommates are expecting shit from you though. that's very unfair on you. and i think cooking definitely is a form of love, but it's more actually romantic and sweet when both partners know how to cook and can reciprocate all that effort in an equal way. i think like chef couples are sweet af because you can see both of them equally can balance those acts and that when they cook together there's no stress because you know the other knows what they're doing. people who are like "let's cook/bake" as a fun date idea with their partner but only one knows what they're doing is not fun lmao. you're just micromanaging the other the entire time. sooo romantic and loving.

#cooking is only loving when it comes from an equal appreciate of the others efforts #or when its from parents or children to the other that's a sweet show of love #there's always caveats tho ofc

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pendragora · 6 months

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so yeah hard mental health times. i need to yell into the void. beware.

special disclaimer for my moots that feel the pressure of helping others: dont even think about it. dont feel the need to say anything, if you opened this.

its okay. ill be okay.

for the past two weeks ive been balancing being sick and trying to work to end semester well with my students. i am still trying to understand how my work in this community college actually ... works. it is hard sometimes. some days are better than the others, sometimes i feel like an absolute shit, sometimes i feel like garbage. it is fine. i know the source of this and, unfortunately, the source won't go away. it's the background noise of my life - being autistic.

unfortunately, this is not something that can be resolved. the pressure of being an autistic person in the world of neurotypical people is constant, even when i am on my own inside of my home. usually it is just about not being normal enough. i am used to it. as much as i try to go by with my little rules, my own routines and categorizing things the way they should be - it is not always a winning strategy because human interaction is anything but structured and operated by rules. in times when all i built to assist myself fails, my main concern is my own feelings - i tend to dramatisize a lot, which is, shocker, also an autism thing for me. no matter the therapy, no matter the work i put in, it is a to-go strategy for my mind always, and i guess it is to stay with me for my whole life. my own feelings and my own self becomes a priority when i can't have any control on the situation because it is very easy to fall into a spiral and make yourself feel unworthy of life. recently i had a breakthrough. i managed to get out of the dramatic state after an unpleasant situation in class within ten minutes time of working through it and rationalizing. it felts good. i felt proud.

mainly i just... i think i wanted to say that it was really hard to manage both the world around you and yourself. some days i feel like i am my own supervisor, my parental figure (tbh ive always been my own parent of sort) and at the same time my own trouble kid in the class. i have to at the same time mask and put out "neurotypical" persona to work through situations while my mind is acfively spiralling with intense emotions and i am throwing my all into attempting to stop it.

it's... tiring. it requires a lot. every single thing in life requires something of me. i have to put in effort into the smallest things because if i dont do it right i will be infinitely upset about myself and it will serve as a reminder that i am different. that even with people i feel most comfortable around, with the closest friends of mine i feel detached and isolated because first i must do things right and then i must do everything else. one time i was so stressed that i did not manage myself and went into my initial, not learned, reactions recently and it ended in a disaster with my friends that was looming over me for weeks prior to december.

it is just... hard. it is hard to always manage yourself. and i cant even tell anyone really because i dont... i dont want pity, or comfort, or anything else. i just want to be acknowledged. i just want to be told that indeed it is hard what i am doing. that i am doing great still. that all of my effort is not pointless.

i know it will never be any easier. i know that this is my reality as an autistic person. and im fine with that. it is life and i guess it is what it is. as long as im alive i am grateful for what i have even if my life just has to complete a combo of things that make me stand out and be different. i learned how to live the way i am. i learned and i will learn again and again how to live my own life. if only i could just... get that pat on the back and a hug from somebody who would understand and see me and efforts put.

i will put a little trigger warning here for suicide attempt. if somebody is reading this, don't read further. it will only be a mention, but still. need to make sure it's okay.

———————————————————————

i've been really unstable recently because in first half of december two years ago i almost ended this all for myself. it was a positive thing. it made me realize i needed to change somethint, i needed to seek help. and i did. i was in therapy. i was medicated. i somehow got out of the university and now my life is better than ever. no depression. no panic attacks. no desire to die. i live well and i want to live. i dont wake up every morning with the feeling of dread. i don't wake up to a regret. i wake up ready for the day. i wake up, go to my work and enjoy what i do. mostly i am... happy for the place i am at. everything else that is a dramatic worry of mine will be figured out and dealt with. i know i can handle it and find the best way for myself. i've done that before and i will do it again.

but because of how traumatic this time was for me two years ago, i am not very okay now. it is another background noise. it is another backhround noise that adds to all the other noises i have. and it is too much. this time it is too much. so i step down. take a deep breath. type this. i feel tears streaming down my cheeks, which is good.

it will be better. i will get better.

#lena exposed #not delete later but a secret option: to bury under countless reblogs

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sleep-onnet · 1 year

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Connections

You've always been a connector

A connector?

Holding entire worlds together with a common kindness

And lacking meaningful knowledge of any

Your compassion seeking no commiseration

Just an anxious people pleaser

A complex connector, coupling confidence and cowardice

I'm good at pretending

A courageous connector, content with constant collision and a lack of continuity

Did I have much of a choice?

I admire you, it's very impressive

If only you saw behind the curtain

Hey... shut the fuck up

What?

Shut the fuck up

What, me??

Yeah you, shut the fuck up. Not helping.

I'm just balancing out your naive optimism with some healthy skepticism

Healthy? You think this is healthy??

Yeah?

All you do is criticize and cast doubt. If you think this is "healthy skepticism" then you should probably be skeptical of your grasp on the English language

...You gonna say something??

Ah, finally, some fucking silence in here.

Gotta say, it's really nice up here without you.

...I was just trying to help

By causing me to overthink every single fucking decision I make in my life? Wow thanks a ton, very fucking helpful.

Hey, not cool.

Shut the fuck up

Not. Cool.

Shut the fuck up, not listening to you

You don't have to be THAT harsh

After all you've done to me?? You have some guts to say that. Now shut up and fuck off.

So you know how it feels, and yet you insist on doing it back?

Shut the fuck up.

You know what? Fuck you.

This pretentious "poem" was supposed to end a couple lines ago, with my line.

We could've just ended it up there and left it up to the reader, if you have any that is. We could've just moved on and we could've kept writing more mediocre "poetry" that's really just you complaining, with your line breaks and occasional rhymes because that's what you think poetry is. And then it just gets buried in the noise of the internet, and no one gets hurt, and you get your satisfaction of being an artist or whatever

Hey. Shut the fuck up. You're doing it again

You know I have a point.

You're not helping. This is why I-

And instead you decided to ruin everything by doing this meta self-aware thing that's been SO fucking overdone.

I mean seriously. Splintering off your inner critic and having a confrontational conversation with it as a metaphor for dealing with self doubt? How fucking original man. Let me guess, you were gonna have them fight, and then after a bit they discover they have a commonality about "wanting to help" and then have them reconcile in the end circling back to the "connector" thing you were writing about in the start? And then your inner critic learns a lesson and never says anything again and you live happily ever after? Do they hug it out at the end too? I mean I knew you were naive but jeez man, that's so painfully unrealistic, it's laughable. That's not how the real world works. That's not how you and I work. You know that, but you're not ready to face it yet. So you dumb it down into a cute little contained story and put a bow on it so you can actually understand it

Hey shu-

IM NOT FINISHED

I mean you don't even have an internal monologue, all of this is for dramatic effect, all a performance at the end of the day. Who do you think is gonna clap for you? And you don't even get paid for it, what a waste of your time. If you were a truly good person you'd spend this time volunteering, or working, so you can donate your money to charity. But instead you choose to do this.

Aaaand right about now you're probably patting yourself on the back now because of how profound you think this is. And now you're imagining the praise you could get by putting this ramble into the world, that praise you crave so badly. And by making it so self-aware and self-critical so you can brag about how it's postmodern or whatever when you and I both know it's just a cheap way to shield yourself from any criticism. Because if you criticize yourself first, then no one can hurt you because you "already knew that" Right?? Right?? Am I wrong???

Hey, people need hobbies and rest, man. I need hobbies and rest. Your logic doesn't make sense. So the most virtuous thing to do would be to overwork myself into dust and donate all my wages and die young?

And the second part?? What's your rebuttal??? Please tell us all so we at least learn something from reading this long, cynical, depressing thing, when we could've been going outside, or watching a funny video, or reading things we actually enjoyed, something actually valuable. And, this is assuming people are still reading at this point, ha.

I...don't know.

I don't have an answer for you right now.

And honestly, I don't think I'll ever have one that will satisfy you.

And I think that's okay. I don't think I need one.

I enjoy writing, so even if no one reads it, it'll have made me happier. And that's enough. I don't need to meet your expectations, I don't need to impress anyone, I don't need anyone's praise, even if I would enjoy it, even if I crave it.

And as I was writing and rereading this, I've discovered some things about myself, so I'm proud of myself for that.

And you're right, it's a lot more complex than a neat and concise story of learning a lesson, and we probably can't reconcile through a single conversation and live happily ever after. If it was that easy then people wouldn't struggle with this so much.

But I'm willing to try with you, and I know you're willing to try with me. And this metaphor kind of falls apart here but that's okay.

And I think I was a little harsh on you earlier, I'm sorry. I'll let you have your space, and let you talk. Because you're as much a part of me as I am. I apologize for trying to entirely silence you.

...Fine.

I can't guarantee that I'll listen to your advice, (at all, or ever to be very honest, you're not the most charming person to channel) but trying to suppress anything you say isn't realistic, and it's tiring for me to do too.

I'm glad.

And I do appreciate you keeping me in check sometimes, because I can and do get ahead of myself a bit sometimes. So thank you for that.

...

I guess I'll just have to live with you, and you'll have to live with me.

And you know what? It could be worse.

...

Now, I don't have a nice way to tie this all together here in the end, and I do feel a bit cornered by myself. Because if I were to circle back to the "connector" thing here then it'd be kind of cliché wouldn't it?

Yeah, it would be.

#thoughts #poem #poetry #writing #poems #writings #sleeponnet #long reads #long poem #overthinking #rambles #caffeine #anxiety #kindness #love #patience

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kdipshit · 1 year

Text

Balance

Im Finna go get that bag yuuuhhhhhh, so I got my job back holy shit who else is surprised?? Me lol, they said no stuff ups aloud lol, attendance has to be onnnn, its gonna be super easy though because I’m working with my mum who’s got make sure we get to work on time everyday lol, we get along so much better these days so its going to be FUN I loveeeee it already. Not gonna lie the anxiety and all the thoughts that I had when I first left a month ago, and I was scared I wouldn’t be able to show attendance… but like I’ve been doing, I’ve been showing up for MYSELF every single day, why not this swell? Literally why not? I have my goals in my mind, and I probably won’t even work here that long before I can sit comfortably on journalism and my path going this way. Its just that when I started thinking about it I started to feel it, and it wasn’t a good feeling, but now that we know feelings come from thoughts, and we can choose our thoughts, its become a lot easier to adjust to the perspective. I choose the most positive one every time, its a choice, if I did nothing I would go no where, but stay in my thought trapped brain, instead of living in my beautiful life. I choose to live every time.

I feel much better now that I’ve taken my morning meds lol, thank you for all the problems I didn’t have to face. There Is a version of myself in my head that I haven’t heard for a while, I’m very loud but blunt, cut throat and quick. Very much wanting to come forward, I’m trying to keep positive though.

The sweetness of doing nothing.

When I’m triggered and it turns to irritation and anger, it’s like I’m pacing back and forth in my head wondering why someone would do this harm to me, immediate victim complex. I feel stuck still, unable to move, usually scrolling vigorously is the only thing that can keep me calm and level headed, so I just did that but it’s so irritating holy fuck. I just don’t like being yelled at and i can just see a system going on like my dad yelled at me coz he thought I didn’t do something because when he walked in my mum was doing it AGAIN, and I was like no I did it lol, and then I still get screamed at and made feel like shit and it’s not like my mum would be on my side and say ‘no I’m just doing it again because we’re about to have visitors’ and she’s crazy fkn ODC but whatever. It’s my fault, and now I leave everything for my mum to just do herself apparently, walking around saying ‘ugh I’ll just do it myself’ like what do you mean I’ve been doing the house all morning the house was not a mess when you walked in, you didn’t complain about a messy house you just did what you always do and clean bc your anxious. I’m on the verge of tears bc of this shit holy fuck man, I’ve got a whole ass frog in my throat over some silly ass trigger, it’s so stupid. The feeling I feel when I’m getting attacked by my parents is ummmm….. I don’t know. Lol. It’s like I’m 16 again with no rights lol. I know it’s something so small, but it effects me, but because it effects only me, I should only really be dealing with these issues by myself, so I never let it out towards them and I keep it chill on the outside, but that causes me to freeze. So now I need to figure out a way to deal with it without taking it out on myself and feeling the guilt and anxiety to an extreme, I guess the answer is to write ✍️ I guess the answer for everything lately has been to write, my mum is hoping that by me expressing my feelings and shit thru a blog might help someone else who is feeling so much alone.

I’m happy now, I have a full vape, a clean 50, and WORK tomorrow! I’m grateful I have been more open to phone calls, because that is what I can thank myself for being able to go to work tomorrow, I’m really excited, a lil anxious, maybe it’s just excitement, I’m ready, and I’m so excited for the other things this job is going to give me. As well as coming to the full acceptance of me being single for maybe the rest of my life, I’m excited to see my life in my career, in my study in my work. I’ve been love lead for my entire life, but my version of love is unobtainable, instead I can find ways to give it to myself, since I have the power of the source. I’m ready to get rich, or die trying.

i was so excited… coming back into the music world, to start writing again producing just fan having that feeling of making amazing shit that you really love like, I love that sahit, when I came to the not pad however my rhymes were so whack literally like I was blank. I just gotta keep that ball rolling coz this verse I’m tweaking now is fun good shit cuz, its diff weirdly, and thats all goods coz it sounds gangsta, and I love it.

The version of myself I want to step into, has her routine and positive attitude and goals and is sorted absolutely content and happy with the over flowing of money in my bank account, good coping mechanism and the space to relax and appreciate every single moment and what it ultimately brings me (my manifestations) I am it already, the independence , the growth, the knowledge.

I need balance other wise I get burnt out. By healing I’m hoping to get better and better every day, and I know there’s milestones in healing and those are what I’m trying to accomplish so I can live my most free life. Focus on the journey… not the outcome, okay, so that’s what I’m trying to do right now…… focus on the journey, not the outcome, have faith that the outcome will be the best outcome possible for my journey and I let it go into the universe, while I focus on the journey.

Do I just have to not scratch that itch to check if my ex messaged me? Is that literally all I need to do? Okay I guess :)

I have come to realise I need to balance my material and emotional lives, I’m unhinged, lol, I don’t think I actually am I just felt like that was the right word, so maybe I am right.

I sometimes think if someone else can’t do it for me, I can’t do it for myself either, is that a self worth issue? Or am I scared of being judged for doing something first? That way of thinking wastes so many opportunities and ways of life.

#blogging #new blog #mental health #actually bipolar #actually borderline #mental instability #actually bpd #original post #original writing #original words #bipolar

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candlewaxandp0lar0ids · 1 year

Note

pls i had to double check the notification to make sure i saw it right because the scream i let out- 😭 you better believe me when i tell you i cried a bit 😤

i love these two so so much and you write them to, dare i say, perfection. i literally cannot imagine them being even slightly different than how you write them....i mean.... you've made them look so natural at every freaking single thing they do or think or act on, it's like they're real people because everything about them is so detailed and in character omg I LOVE THIS (idk if im making sense im so overwhelmed with happiness im giddy 😭)

i missed their dynamic so much and watching jungkook finally getting comfortable enough to trust her on some things is amazing and what's even more amazing is how she is experiencing that shift too.... honestly i feel happy for her when it comes to her feeling comfortable with trying to trust him and even relying on "probably's" as she says because even if that does lower her guard and might not always be the best thing to do in her line of work but i still feel that she's been so hardwired all her life to stay in that hyperaware and cautious state that she's in certain ways just not felt safe enough to truly "breathe" tbh. we know she's always forcing herself to shut down her emotions and surely after that long period of not really "feeling" things, all of these new emotions must make her feel different and uncomfortable in a sense but i truly hope she can find a healthy balance in feeling and honestly accepting those emotions (jungkook better help her with it if she ever needs support tho 😤)

i know i always say this but hector truly is the bestest character everrrrr i love him and he's precious 🥺 i love his dynamic with the oc too and the gentle understanding they have for each other is really like a safe place amidst the entire list of intense interactions among other characters in the story. i could write a thousand words about why i love this story so much and it wouldn't be enough 💗

ohhh and i loved reading the long author's note too! pls feel free to write em as long as you want 😌 i love this story and i feel grateful that you choose to share it with us! that said, you definitely don't need to rush with the story. write at whatever pace you feel comfortable with and i'll be always here to support you (im sure a lot of us will be!)

i haven't been as active here as i used to be during the stay at home days since life has started happening again and im graduating soon too which means im having a very stressful time with the final year project and thesis too just like you mentioned you did but this iicngyp update came as a saviour in these stressful times and for that alone, i will support it till the end. you could say im emotionally attached to this fic 🥺

i said this already but the QUALITY of your writing is unmatched and it just pulls me in with how immersive it is but!! you wrote in the author's note that you feel scared that the chapters or writing won't be as good as earlier or if it'll match but i just wanna tell you that no matter how you write them, i trust that i'll love it. so pls don't feel scared or nervous about us not loving it because im sure we always will!

thank you for writing, ily 🥺 (also sorry for this long ask)

Hiiii, it’s always good to see you in my inbox 😁 and never apologize for long asks, the longer the better truly~

Ah no you make sense and this makes me so happy 😭 I was particularly worried about this chapter and if they’d feel ‘ooc’ (weird thing to say since I’m the one writing them I know) considering the fact that there’s a huge shift happening in their relationship, coming from Jungkook in particular. You’re right though, OC is not quite… there… yet. There are feelings that are starting to bubble to the surface and she essentially keeps shoving them back under. So yeah, it might take a little while until she gets somewhat healthy about it, but she’ll get there!

Hector is such a sweetheart, OC needed someone who’d be on her side and I’m happy with how he turned out and the fact that people like him that much 😁

That’s super sweet of you! I’m not looking to rush the story, but also sadly my productivity just plummeted after Covid and it’s upsetting because there’s a pretty direct link between my mental health and that (if I don’t write I’m less happy, if I’m less happy I don’t write, so it’s quite the vicious circle lol).

Oh gosh I hope your thesis goes well for you!! I know how stressful but I’m sure you’ve got this, don’t forget to take care of yourself during it too 💜

Ah thank you so much again, with this chapter I was actually quite unhappy with the way it turned out until I edited it, and then I was quite happy with it. The first scene (which had been written for months already) was almost entirely rewritten and I think it really helped ‘lift up’ the chapter. I’m very glad you enjoyed it though, makes me feel like my hard work really paid off

Thank you so much for the comment, again, always happy to see you in here and I hope i’ll get to keep reading your thoughts for future chapters as well 😊

#asks #jeonlovescoffee #iicngyp: 8

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cringeanator · 2 years

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The Last Legacy Main 4 when MC wants to go roller skating

idk how tumblr works lol

Felix

When MC excitedly comes up to Felix showing off these pairs of roller skates he is automatically intrigued

Shoes… with wheels attached to them..? He has never seen anything like this, Earth stuff is so peculiar

He wants MC to know that he cares about their interests so he enthusiastically listens when they talk about roller rinks on Earth….Until they suggest he tries them out

At first he’s like sure, completely oblivious about what’s going to happen to him

MC puts them on his feet and laces them up for him saying that he’s their person Cinderella

*felix hoping whatever “sinder rella” is it’s a good thing*

He stands up all at once and immediately falls face first into their chest

His face is bright red as he looks up at them as he tries to simultaneously stand up straight and apologize

When they try and teach him to skate he is GRIPPING onto them for fear life

It becomes a pattern of him starting to understand how it works and then immediately losing balance and falling

Im sorry but he is TERRIBLE

“You seem to be a lot more agile than me”

He says after falling on his butt for the 15th time

He is so sore the next day, refuses to leave the bed and must be taken care of like a princess

Anisa

She already has an interest in Earth ~stuff~ so it was an automatic yes when MC invited her to come skate with her

She pretends at first that she knows what she's doing and refuses help

*Proceeds to skate walk*

When she falls she lands on all fours hehe kitty

MC has to pick her up and begins to teach her

They hold onto her hands as she slowly gets into the motions of pushing her feet instead of walking

She starts to do good and successfully moves around!... until her shoelaces gets caught underneath her wheel and she falls, brining MC down with her

The two are tangled up together on the floor and they just burst out into giggles

But she gets up and tries again! And she… is definitely moving!

Ok she is terrible. Sorry Annie, still love ya

But please don’t tell her that, it’ll crush her

She moves so slow, she’ll start to pick up the pace a little bit before crashing into the ground

She’ll need a lot of practice but I think she’s most likely out of the M4 to want to go again!

Sage

Ahh Sage always the daredevil

When MC tells him about roller skates and how they use to skate all the time on Earth he’s automatically willing to try them on

On skates he moves super awkwardly but he’s trying

He doesn’t understand the concept of having to shift your body weight and push just bends down on pushes with his hands

When he is told he has to bend his knees he squats down and sticks out his butt LFHDJJSOSUD

That arch though 😩😩😩

First time he falls he just lays on the ground and is like “I’m never getting back up” and continues to lie there

MC has to pry him off the floor and then he immediately falls again into chest and they have to hold his whole body weights to stop him from falling

Then he teases them by looking up and saying “If you want me in your arms you could’ve just asked ;)”

He wants to try and go fast so he will try and race MC and loses every single time

His tail gets caught in the wheel

Makes MC patch up his injuries after 😏😏😏

Rime

Ok so this depends on which Rime we’re talking about

Because if this is redemption arc Rime that is making an effort to be better to the people around him then he’d be willing to go skate when MC mentions it, no questions asked

If it’s still evil Rime he only goes after MC says that they’re better than him and challenge him to a race

Which he obviously accepts, even though he has no clue what roller skates are

He put the skates on and does tie them properly at all

Looney Tune ass run before he falls face first

MC going over to help him and him saying I don’t need your help

*immediately stumbles and grabs onto their arm* “Oh my fucking god”

His knees wobble as he says that this is so stupid and that he shouldn’t even be trying this

But if it’s redemption arc Rime he lets MC teach him right away

Very reluctant to learn at first cause he was nervous but he’s trying to be… some version of nice now so he wants to try things out

Falls on his tail and it hurts the WORST

Also they have to drill holes into his helmet so his horns fit

OMG or will they have to put pool noodles on his horns?

Only person in the M4 that gets slightly good at skating, which compared to the rest of them isn’t that impressive LMAO

#last legacy #felix iskandar escellun #felix escellun #anisa anka #sage lesath #rime solano varela #head canons #fictif

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hanazuma-inactive · 3 years

Note

Hello! This is kind of a long request and well- Hopefully you’re fine with doing temporary Body Swap. :>

So basically Bakugou and his Male S/O are pro heroes and when out on a mission, they both get hit by a villain who has a swap quirk. Basically, they just swapped bodies. (Y/n is in Bakugou’s body and Bakugou is in Y/n’s body, they basically just switched minds.) They are told by the other pro heroes that the two should go home and take the day off. Unfortunately, nobody knows how long the quirk effect will stay, but they were convinced it was only temporary. So the two go back to their shared apartment and the day goes on pretty normal- besides the fact that, you know, they’ve swapped bodies. Though later Y/n gets a bit of an idea. What if he were to f*ck Bakugou in this body? The thought seemed kinda strange at first since he would literally be f*cking his own body, but he couldn’t deny that the thought was turning him on. Especially wanting to see Bakugou’s reaction. So, he basically handcuffs Bakugou to prevent him from struggling and.. while in the middle of doing it, something happens.. Shit! Why did it have to happen now?? Y/n panics in his head as he realizes they just swapped bodies again, and he is now at the mercy of Bakugou Katsuki himself..

I actually sent a request kinda similar to this to someone else but it was a while ago and they haven’t responded so they may not have liked it, or it just didn’t arrive. And sorry for choosing Bakugou again, you just may be able to figure out who my favorite character is.. Sorry for my rambling.

If you don’t wanna do it, that’s fine. Anyways, have a good day/night, man!

in his shoes (nsfw) bakugou x reader

pronouns: he/him

warnings: body swapping during sex, bottom and top reader+bakugou, selfcest (?), degrading, bratty behavior, claimming and possesive themes, bondage (handcuffs)

a/n: i really like this concept and i will write it don't worry 😎👍 i usually write all of my requests anyways. im also sorry this took literally 5 years.

_____

katsuki bakugou and y/n bakugou. the two of you have been married for 2 years now after you guys started working as heroes. you both went to UA and graduated at the top of the class. neither of you had time for love or romance resulting in neither of you confessing you feelings for each other. gladly, things managed to work out in the end.

"he's on it again, i need the bakugous here right now."

hearing the police force requesting your assistance, you and your husband show up on the case. it turned out to be the villain that the two of you couldn't capture the last time during patrol.

"HEH?! look y/n, it's this motherfucker again. what's up with this loser, coming back every time it's annoying."

"play nice now katsuki, let's just go and restrain him and let the police take care of the rest."

the two of you move quickly to match the villain's rapid movements. katsuki flew around using his quirk to attempt to catch him but failed. the villain was surprisingly agile and you guys had a tough time trying to chase him down.

after around half an hour of chasing you finally cornered the villain on top of a tall building in the middle of the city that was still in construction. the ground was hard to walk on and somewhat unstable but you managed to find your balance.

"alright, give it up, you've got nowhere to run now.

"what he said, stop resisting and i won't blow your face off."

the villain's expression turned to fear as you started to close up on him. out of panic, he used his quirk. it was a small beam that didn't hurt at all. however, after a few seconds your body started to heat up, you looked over to katsuki and you could tell he was feeling the same. what was happening?

seeing the two of you struggling, the villain quickly left the scene but he had trouble moving around due to his surroundings. his movements were also somewhat impaired due to fatigue. it was most likely the aftereffect of his quirk which was why he was pretty reluctant in using it.

the strange feeling in your chest wouldn't go away and your vision started to blur. next thing you know you woke up on top of the same building to see yourself lying next to you. was his quirk duplication? no it couldn't have been. you tried to stand up but felt the weight of some heavy armor dragging you down. you look down to see yourself wearing katsuki's hero costume and his gauntlet. still in awe, you heard a groan in your own voice next to you.

"shit… wtf happened, y/n where are you where-"

it didn't take long for your husband to find out what happened.

the two of you have switched bodies.

you both tried to explain to the police who's who but it only ended in confusion. you went home with your husband after they put the two of you on break for "damaged mental" from the villain because the majority of the police thought you guys were crazy.

there weren't any cases similar to body switching between heros before so the doctor said there's nothing that can be done other than attempting to wait off the effect. so there you were, in your husband's body, cooking dinner for the man while you saw your own body lazily sitting on the couch with your legs spread open watching the tv.

life went as normal for the next two days, since you two were both males there weren't any problems whatsoever. however, one day a thought flew into your mind while taking a nap with katsuki. since he was the one who would usually top, now that you're in his body wouldn't it technically mean you get to top?

physically you would be using your boyfriend's body to fuck yourself. but the thought of the all mighty bakugou katsuki taking his own dick, his bratty attitude, and lastly breaking him and making him fall apart by your touch aroused you in an indescribable way. you knew katsuki wouldn't agree to this due to his prideful personality so you had to take other measures to carry out your plan.

you and kastuki had all sorts of toys laying around and you decided to give him a taste of his own medicine with them. while he wasn't looking you grabbed the vibrator, handcuffs, and blindfolds and put them all on the nightstand. now that everything is in place, all you have to do is wait to catch katsuki off guard tonight when he gets tired.

later tonight, after finishing dinner, katsuki was yet again sitting casually again on the couch watching tv, not giving a single care to the world.

"heyy katsuki!"

"hm? yah?"

"come with me for a second? i want to show you something!" you said with a sly grin on your face

katsuki didn't care enough to talk back, neither did he think this could lead to the ill intentions you had with him tonight. following you into the bedroom, you gestured katsuki to sit down on the bed. he obeyed although he began to have a suspicion of what you're about to do. using your new body, you abused katsuki's strong muscle and speed to restrain your own body with the handcuffs you prepare. there was no way for katuski to fight back in this situation because your body was simply not built enough to resist his.

"h-huh? what are you doing dumbass…if you're joking s-stop it now, it's not funny."

"oh i am very serious katsuki, now that i'm inside your body. i am going to fuck your brains out. i'm gonna thrust that bratty attitude of yours right out the window."

hearing you say that, your husband looked away to avert his eyes while you heard a small gulp coming from his throat. you could tell he was nervous and that's exactly what you wanted. katsuki has never bottomed in his life before and he does plan on doing so either.

finally having katsuki in your grasp, you decided to carry on with your plan. you put on the blindfold for him as he jolted in surprise. katsuki tried to get out of the handcuffs but later found his attempt futile. these were the toys he used for you too and he out of everyone should know it's impossible to get out of them. once your husband stopped moving you gentlt took off his pants, leaving him exposed wearing only your boxers with an erection under it.

"aww katsuki~ already hard and i haven't even done anything yet, maybe you're better off being the bottom hm?" you teased

"s-shut up you shit head, just get on with it, whatever evil plan you have in store for tonight…"

"no need to rush katsuki" you said as you entered his asshole with 2 of your fingers, loosening him up for the vibrator.

"we have the entire night."

you heard your own voice whimper as you explored more with your fingers. soon enough it was time to put the other toy in. your fingers left for a bit preparing the vibrator, leaving bakugou panting from the pleasure and clenching his hole around well, nothing. you turned on the vibrator and katsuki immediately noticed the familiar sound of what's in your hands.

"o-oi y/n, don't put it in here, i-i won't be able to take it."

"oh i'm sure you can~ you made me do it plenty of times, why can't the big and strong bakugou katsuki do it?"

without mercy, you put in the vibrator quickly and let the show play out. katsuki was moaning and groaning while you stroked your own cock enjoying the view. katuski's cock was bigger than yours and you weren't used to jacking off such a big dick but it was a nice first.

seeing a wet spot forming on katsuki's underwear, you knew he was ready to go. you took off katsuki's underwear to see the precum leaking from it, so much it looked like he was about to cum any second now. next, you took out the vibrator and started to spread some lube on your cock. you positioned yourself on top of the katsuki and teased his pink hole with your huge cock.

"what do good boys say katsuki~?"

"tch! i'm not saying it, y-you sadistic fuck."

you slapped katsuki's ass so loud that the neighbors probably could've heard you.

"i'm the one in control right now, you listen to what i say, understood?"

"f-fine, jesus christ! p-please y/n, put it inside me…"

"that's a good boy…"

after you fit ¾ of your cock in katsuki was already panting heavily trying to catch his breath. it reached his prostate you leaned down on his chest to bite on his nipples to make him feel even better. his hole clenched on your hole so tight you were barely able to move your cock around. you continued to make thrusts and sped them up each time.

during your thrusts you suddenly felt the weird feeling when fighting the villain again. both you and bakugou's body started to burn up but it wasn't as painful as it was last time. next thing you know everything was pitch black. you felt a piece of black cloth on top of your eyes and a familiar size inside your ass. it didn't take you long to realize that you and bakugou finally switched back.

you were glad to be back in your own body but why did it have to happen now?! out of all the times it could've happened this was no doubt the worst possible timing. you just teased the crap out of bakugou and now that he's in control again he can take his revenge right here, right now.

"oh? would you look at that…our bodies switched back…" you couldn't see katsuki say this but you could already tell the evil smile on his face.

"k-katsuki i'm sorry, i didn't mean to tease you that hard i was just trying to have some fun y-y'know." you desperately tried to explain.

"too late now baby boy… bad boys get punished for what they did. now… get ready, for the night of your fucking life."

regret, nothing but regret. bakugou was already an aggressive person when it comes to sex, now that you pissed him off even more you weren't prepared for what he was about to do to you.

without warning, katsuki pulled back his hips and thrusted into you harder than ever. you took his entire length right away and the full feeling in your ass was too overwhelming for you to handle. you started to blabber nonsense, unable to form words due to the pleasure.

"c'mon baby… gotta speak up if you want me to understand you." bakugou said knowing damn well you can't talk back.

incoherent moans and groans escaped from your mouth as you felt dry orgasms again and again from katsuki reaching your prostate. you were on the verge of passing out till you saw your husband's panting just as hard as you. you could tell he was very close as well. you tried your best to stay conscious and cum with your husbands.

katsuki let out a loud moan as he cummed inside you. you reached your orgasm too cumming all over yourself. katsuki licked up the cum on your stomach as you slipped into sweet unconsciousness. he gave you a warm smile and patted your head as he took you into his arms and fell asleep with you.

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a-small-batch-of-dragons · 3 years

Text

Perceptive Blindness

Prompt: hi can i have some hurt/comfort lamp where virgil gets the others together and pines maybe? im feeling down and need to see virgil pining. ps i love all your fics (especially Is It Enough?)

Thanks to the nonny for this prompt! I hope it's what you wanted, I had fin with it. I love writing in Virgil's voice so much because I don't have to try and rein in my natural snark as much.

Read on Ao3

Pairings: LAMP babeyy

Warnings: our buddy V has a panic attack but it’s not super explicit

Word Count: 4814

It should’ve been easy, right? To see it coming?

Listen, Virgil’s job is to be observant, to pay attention to shit. Just because he’s notoriously, um, overreactive doesn’t mean he’s bad at paying attention. He sees a whole lot of shit and hey if you saw as much shit as Virgil did you’d be freaking out too, yeah? Okay, great, got that sorted.

So. Here’s the thing.

When Roman starts sitting a little closer to Patton that he used to on the couch or offering to help him cook and clean when they all know Roman would rather do anything else, Virgil notices. When Roman starts getting up earlier and earlier so he can beat Patton down to the kitchen so they can do it together, Virgil notices. (It’s not like he sleeps, he notices this shit when there’s not supposed to be people up and at ‘em for another half-hour.)

So yeah, maybe he sinks into Princey’s room one day and smirks when Roman startles terribly coming out of the bathroom.

“Hey there, Princey.”

“Don’t—goodness, Stormcloud,” Roman huffs, getting his balance back, “don’t do that. Haven’t you ever heard of knocking?”

“You were in the bathroom, you wouldn’t have answered.”

“How did you know I was—you know what, it doesn’t matter.” Roman shakes his head. “What do you want?”

“What, I can’t just pop my head in and say hi?”

“I’ve never in my life heard you say ‘pop my head in’ and I never want to hear it again.”

“That’s where you draw the line?”

“Everyone has a line, Dark and Stormy.”

Virgil shrugs, smiling when Roman glares at him for curling up on his bed. Which, alright fair.

“So.”

“You’ve yet to explain why you’re in my room,” Roman reminds, sounding less upset than confused.

“Just thought I’d say hi.”

“Yes, sure, that’s it.”

“What, you don’t believe me?” Roman just stares at him. “Okay, okay, I...may have an ulterior motive.”

“Aha!” Roman points at him victoriously. “I knew it! Now tell me, you fiend.”

It’s only the slight uptick of Roman’s mouth that lets him know that’s probably supposed to be a term of endearment.

“Oh, nothing much,” Virgil sighs, “just wondering about your sleeping habits.”

“Considering you’re the only one in the Mindscape who gets less sleep than me, you’re in no position to—“

“I’m not here to yell at you, Roman,” Virgil says quickly, relaxing a bit when Roman’s shoulders slump, “I just…you know, I hear you when you get up.”

“That’s…kind of creepy.”

“It’s my thing, Roman,” he sighs, “I pay attention to shit and it’s not like I’m asleep.”

“I know, I know, I didn’t mean it like that.” Roman sighs, scrubbing a hand over his face. “Are you asking why I’ve been getting up earlier?”

“Yup.”

“It’s nothing bad, Virgil.”

“Never said it was.”

Roman sighs again, more dramatically this time, flouncing over to his desk, definitely not pouting. “Virgil…”

“What? If it’s not bad, why don’t you wanna tell me?” Virgil’s eyes widen. “Ooh, is it a secret? Are you keeping secrets, Roman?”

“Shut up!”

“No!” Virgil lobs a pillow at him. “Tell me!”

He ducks quickly when another one flies back at him.

“Hey!”

“You threw it first!”

“Yeah, and!”

“Gah!” Roman throws himself up out of his chair, trying to hide how red his face is. It’s not working. “What do you want?”

“I told you, Princey,” Virgil grins, “I want to know why you’re getting up earlier and why you don’t want to tell me.”

“Because I want to!”

“And why do you want to?”

“No,” Roman insists, pointing his finger at Virgil, “I told you, that’s what you wanted.”

“Giving me the vaguest answer that doesn’t actually answer the question is not an answer.”

Roman stares at him for a second. “We’ve said the word ‘answer’ too many times. It’s not a word anymore.”

“Pity.” Virgil shrugs. “Guess you’re gonna have to just tell me.”

“That’s not—how does—“ Roman pinches the bridge of his nose. “That is not how this words. Works.”

Virgil snickers.

“Shut up.”

“You’re so flustered, Princey. I haven’t seen you like this in ages.”

“Leave me alone, Virgil.”

The note of genuine irritation in Roman’s voice is enough to give Virgil pause. He slides off the bed and walks over to Roman, shoving his hands in his pockets and rocking back and forth on his heels.

“You mean that, Roman?”

Roman looks at him from between his fingers, then looks away. “…no.”

“Okay.” He bumps Roman with his elbow. “Sit down, Princey.”

He winces when Roman lets his knees buckle and just collapses onto the floor.

“I didn’t—okay fine.” Listen, Virgil has no respect for ‘normal’ sitting places at the best of times. He sits next to Roman and watches the prince worry at the cuffs of his sleeves. “Roman, you gotta—you’re gonna fuck them up.”

“It’s fine,” Roman mutters absentmindedly, “I’ve done this before.”

“…not exactly reassuring me here, dude.”

“No, not—not this, I just meant the—my sleeves, they’re…they’re not…it’s fine.”

Virgil nods, frowning as Roman starts to fidget a little more.

“…Princey—“

“It’s Patton,” Roman blurts, his face flushing even brighter, “I—that’s why I’m waking up earlier.”

Something in Virgil’s chest twists.

“I figured,” he says instead, bumping Roman’s shoulder again, “you, uh, you had that look about you.”

“What look?”

Virgil tilts his head a bit. “You…you do know what you look like when you’re in love, don’t you Princey?”

If Roman’s eyes could go wider than when Virgil said he knew what was going on, well, they do.

“I—I’m—wait, what?”

“You’re romance, aren’t you?” The corner of Virgil’s mouth tugs upward. “Passion, desire, romance, all of that, right?”

“I am, but—“

“You—alright, I gotta figure out a way to say this without being sappy as shit,” Virgil grumbles, looking away for a moment. “Okay, uh—you’re—there’s no way to say this and not sound absolutely ridiculous, but um…your color’s red, right?”

Roman nods, still staring at him.

“You…your eyes turn red, Roman,” Virgil mumbles, “like…you know how cartoon people get like…hearts in their eyes?”

“I get literal heart-eyes?”

“Kind of?” Virgil waves his hand. “You just—you’re—your irises go red and like…sparkly.”

“They do?”

“Have you seriously never noticed?”

“No!” Roman looks like someone just told him Thomas got another Disney job or something. “I—oh my goodness, this is incredible! How can I see this!”

“Here’s a tip,” Virgil snickers as Roman’s cheeks start to color again, “next time you’re in the kitchen with Patton or something, look at yourself in the mirror or something reflective right after you look at him.”

“O-okay,” Roman mumbles, “okay, okay, I can do this, I can do this, I can do this—“

“Hey—“ Virgil prods him— “you’re supposed to be downstairs in ten minutes anyway, just go now.”

“Right!”

“And…he’s gone,” Virgil sighs, getting up and sinking back to his own room. He pulls on his headphones and turns up the music.

Had Roman…really never noticed his eyes did that? The dude’s had eyes for—well, as long as you have eyes for. Has he never looked at himself when he’s working before? Jeez, and here Virgil thought Roman was looking in a mirror every two seconds.

Well, it wouldn’t be the first time he’s noticed something that none of the others did. But still, what with how…obvious Roman can be sometimes, had the others really never noticed this either?

As it turns out, the answer is yes, but also no.

They’re in the living room a few days later and Roman’s bouncing off the walls, as per usual, as Logan looks up every so often from his book, and Patton giggles. Virgil is decidedly not paying attention because of course he isn’t, curled up on the floor out of the way of Roman’s bouncing.

“Watch where you’re going,” Logan scolds when Roman almost brains himself on the banister, “you’ll hurt yourself.”

“Pfft,” Roman blusters, “I haven’t paid attention to a single thing in my entire life and I’ll be damned if I start now.”

Virgil snorts. Patton makes a vague noise of concern. Logan just sighs.

“Roman, you are clearly intelligent enough to demonstrate that you do pay attention to things.”

“I dunno,” Virgil says, “he didn’t notice his heart-eyes when he’s in love until I told him about them.”

Roman sticks his tongue out. Virgil sticks his out back. Then they notice that Logan and Patton are quiet.

“Guys?”

“Roman has what?” Logan closes his book. “I…I was also not aware of this.”

“Hah!” Roman points at Virgil. “See, it’s not just me!”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever.”

“Patton? Did you also know this?”

“Y-yeah,” Patton manages, his voice strangely quiet, “I mean, I knew about Roman’s eyes, but…doesn’t he have that all the time? Not just when he’s in love?”

Oh.

Oh, shit.

Roman freezes, his mouth opening and closing without making sounds. Logan looks quizzically back and forth between the two of them until Virgil clambers to his feet and knocks his elbow.

“C’mon, L, let’s go somewhere else.”

“Why?”

“You’ll see.”

Sure enough, after a few minutes of them walking away to give Roman and Patton some privacy, Logan makes a small ‘ah’ sound.

“Yeah,” Virgil sighs, “took them long enough.”

“I am pleased to say that this I did notice.”

“Right?”

“I mean it’s not like it isn’t obvious.”

“That’s what I said.”

“Honestly, did they believe we couldn’t see?”

“I don’t think they knew until like, ten seconds ago.”

“They truly are a bit oblivious, aren’t they?”

“Oh, hell yeah.”

Hey, you know how sickeningly adorable Patton and Roman are normally? You know how much more sickeningly adorable they got after this happened?

Great.

Now double that.

Now you have like, some idea of what Virgil’s going through.

Dates. Kisses. Flowers. Baking together. Sitting on top of each other. Whispers in the corner. Curled around a phone so tight they can’t tell whose legs are whose.

All.

The.

Time.

Is Virgil happy for them? Yes. Absolutely. Great for them. Is he also about to down a bottle of soy sauce to even out the amount of pure sugar he’s being forced to consume? Pass that salt factory over here, please, pronto. That’s probably why the feeling that twisted in his chest hasn’t gone away any.

“Seriously,” Virgil huffs to Logan after the two of them vanish from the kitchen, “Thomas is gonna have so many cavities.”

“That’s not how it works, Virgil.”

“But it fucking could be.”

“I must say I think this has had a…positive impact on Thomas,” Logan says instead, “that his heart and his ego are so…compatible.”

Virgil snorts. “That’s one way to put it.”

“I suppose it makes sense.”

“Yeah, yeah, it makes sense. Right brain boys, we get it. Doesn’t mean I don’t feel like I’m drowning in a gallon of vanilla syrup every time I walk into a fucking room.”

“Alright, enough,” Logan says, giving Virgil a reprimanding look that’s just this side of too smiley to be effective, “I need more coffee.”

“Ooh, get me some too?”

“I have a better idea: why don’t you come with me?”

Virgil groans. “But that requires moving. And effort.”

“You have legs.”

“But—“ Virgil wriggles down into the nice little divot in the couch cushions— “comfy.”

Logan sighs, shaking his head in what might be fond exasperation. “Very well. Hold this.”

“Okay,” Virgil mutters, taking Logan’s empty coffee mug, “what are you—hey!”

Logan, because apparently none of them have noticed that he can apparently do this, simply tucks Virgil under his arm like a sack of potatoes, conveniently ignoring the fact that Virgil is, you know, a fucking heavy-ass person, and walks off toward the kitchen like this is absolutely fucking normal.

“Do I even weigh anything to you?”

“Your weight is not insubstantial.”

Well, judging by the way Logan’s just walking, like a normal person, uh, it doesn’t seem like it.

“How—since when—what?”

“Articulate as always, Virgil,” Logan remarks, stride never faltering, “I do seek to maintain some level of physical fitness.”

“Some level of—Logan, you’re carrying me like it’s nothing!”

Logan glances down and raises an eyebrow. “Is there a problem?”

Nope. Absolutely not. Not from this angle. Holy shit.

“No,” Virgil squeaks, “no, nope. I’m good. No problems.”

Logan hums and looks away, easily setting Virgil back on his feet once they get to the kitchen.

Yeah, yeah. Everything’s fine right now. Everything’s so fine. Everything’s so fine and good right now in the way that it’s happening. It’s never not been fine. Virgil’s never been more fine in his fucking life.

Holy fuck.

Okay, so Virgil was not observant enough to pick that up the first time around—get it? No? Fuck you, that was funny—but he does start noticing it more often. How Logan can just sigh and pick up the couch to grab his pencil, or how he never balks at having to put away the really heavy dishes that Patton struggles with. It’s—okay. Yep, he can deal with this. Totally.

Virgil just sees a lot, okay?

Which means that he can see how Roman and Patton react when they first realize how strong Logan is.

Patton’s looking for something in the top of the cupboard, straining on his tiptoes. He sighs and starts to try and climb the counter.

“Patton!” Logan rushes into the kitchen past Virgil who sits back to watch the show. “Don’t do that, you know how dangerous it is.”

“I know, I know, but I can’t find the brown sugar, I think I pushed it back too far!”

“Just get the step stool, you know where it is.”

“But it takes so long to reorganize the closet to get it out,” Patton protests, “and I know where it is, it won’t take long.”

“We do need to fix that, don’t we?” Logan sighs. “Alright. You say you know where it is?”

“Yes! I can see it, I just can’t reach it.”

“Alright. Ready?”

“Ready for—oof!”

Patton squeals when Logan just…picks him up and holds him by the cupboard, clutching Logan’s arms like he’s going to fall.

“L-Logan!”

“Can you reach it?”

“Y-yeah, I can probably—oh my goodness, Lo, you’re strong!”

“I’m not going to drop you, Patton, just grab the sugar.”

“Okay, okay, I, um…” Patton fidgets, still clutching Logan’s hands. “Gosh!”

“Patton? The sugar?”

“R-right!” Patton pulls the bag of sugar out of the cupboard as Logan lowers him gently to the ground. “Wow, thanks, Logan!”

“Of course. Though we really must get the closet reorganized, the step stool does not good if we can’t easily access it…”

Virgil snickers as Logan goes off about the closet. He knows damn well Patton is not paying any attention to what he’s saying. He catches Virgil’s eyes and just mouths ‘wow!’

Virgil responds with a shrug of ‘what can you do?’

“Virgil?”

“What’s up, L?” He cranes his neck back to peer up at Logan.

“Patton has requested that we all come to stay in the kitchen,” Logan says, offering a hand to pull Virgil to his feet. Virgil briefly entertains the idea of making Logan pick him up again when he decides against it.

“Okay…?”

“Do you happen to know where Roman is,” Logan asks as he pulls Virgil up, “or no?”

“I think he’s in the Imagination?”

Logan rolls his eyes. “Then you may as well come with me. We’ll have a better chance of finding him.”

Virgil tips Patton a lazy two-fingered salute as they make their way up the stairs. Sure enough, the bright red door to the Imagination is ajar, and as Logan steps through, Virgil spots a castle, a briar garden, and many many cloud fortresses above.

“Well,” Logan huffs as Virgil closes the door, “he’s not running out of energy any time soon.”

“Good.”

“Quite.” Logan glances around. “Well, we’d better start looking.”

Virgil’s about to agree when he hears something whistling above him. He looks up and squints.

He takes two steps to the left.

“Virgil?” Logan turns around. “What’re you doing?”

In response, Virgil just points up.

Logan follows his finger, his expression changing from one of confusion to that familiar fond exasperation again. Virgil expects him to glance around for something soft, or squishy, or at the very least move out of the way.

Instead, Logan simply sighs, takes two steps closer, and holds out his arms…

…and catches Roman effortlessly in a princess carry.

“Hello, Roman,” Logan says like he didn’t just fucking do that, “Patton wants everyone downstairs.”

“I don’t think Roman’s got speech right now, L,” Virgil snickers.

Indeed, Roman—which, hang on, let’s preface this by saying this is a reasonable reaction, okay? Logan just fucking caught him after falling from god knows how high like he weighs less than a fucking pillow, this is not something that just happens—is staring open-mouthed at Logan, panting heavily, frozen in Logan’s arms. Logan tilts his head.

“Roman? Are you okay?”

Virgil snorts when Roman suddenly flails and tries to struggle out of Logan’s arms.

“Roman,” Logan says sternly and holy fuck, “if you want me to put you down I will, but if you do that you’re going to hurt yourself.”

“Yep,” Roman squeaks, “you can—you can put me down, I can walk, you can put me down.”

“There we go.” Logan puts him down only for Roman to quickly brush himself off and dart toward the door. “Where are you going?”

“Patton! Downstairs! Forgot! Bye!”

“Well, he seems to be in a hurry,” Logan sighs, adjusting his glasses, only to frown at Virgil when Virgil just bursts out laughing. “What?”

“No, no, you gotta—holy shit!” Virgil doubles over, still cackling. “Oh my god, his face.”

“I don’t understand what’s so funny,” Logan says a moment later when Virgil’s wiping tears from his eyes, “did I do something wrong?”

The concerned question sobers Virgil, at least enough to stop dying. “No, no, L, you’re fine. Roman’s just…having a moment.”

“Because he forgot about Patton’s request,” Logan nods, “and does not wish to offend him.”

“…yeah, that’s it.”

“Well,” Logan says, dusting himself off, “let’s not be late too, hmm?”

“Sure, L.”

Logan might not know why Roman and Patton are muttering furiously to each other and spring apart the second they appear around the end of the stairs, but Virgil does. He just chuckles and winks and settles in to watch a dinner of the three of them being absolutely idiots.

It’s fine.

It’s so fine.

It’s probably because he was laughing so hard that his chest still hurts.

This lasts for like a week, and Virgil’s fucking face hurts from laughing at their fucking faces and trying to hide how hard he’s fucking laughing. And yeah okay Virgil’s in no position to judge, he’s got no idea how ridiculous he looked when he got jump scared by Logan’s freaky strength.

And it’s just not fucking fair because if it was Roman, they’d all expect it. He’d be sweeping them off their feet every two seconds and they’d be used to it by now. If it were Patton, he’d just pick them up and hug them and be the best dad ever and that would be great. But no, it’s Logan.

Logan who’s…Logan. Who can calm them all down better than anyone else but also has that sharp-as-hell tongue and quick wit that runs circles around them. Fuck. He’s just—gah.

Okay, at least Virgil’s not alone here. He’s seen Patton fumble through his words around a surprisingly patient Logan for ages now, and watched Roman stand way too close to Logan too. And yeah, okay, he’s seen the way Logan looks at them too.

So much so that he bites the bullet one day and sighs, tugging Logan out of the living room and to his room.

“Virgil? What’s going on?”

“What’s going on,” Virgil sighs, “is that if I have to look at you pining over them for one more second I am going to scream.”

Logan, to his credit, doesn’t try and deny it. Instead, he simply adjusts his tie and glasses, studiously avoiding Virgil’s gaze. “I suppose it really is that obvious.”

“To me, yeah, to those two, not so much.”

“I will get over this, I’m working on it.”

“God, no, L, that’s not what I—“ Virgil pinches the bridge of his nose. “Just talk to them, okay?”

“Are you certain? But you’d be…okay with this?”

Virgil levels a stare at him. “Dude, have you not seen how they look at you?”

“…no?”

“What is it like for you guys? It must be so boring.”

“I can assure you,” Logan says wryly, “I can see perfectly well.”

“Sure, Specs.”

“Alright, that’s enough.”

“Yeah, uh-huh. Sure.”

“Virgil!”

“No, no, I’m just saying it’s interesting that—“

“That’s enough.”

Virgil gulps. “Mhmm. Okay. Yep. Got it.”

He wisely does not go into the living room for the rest of the day.

There’s a lot Virgil sees. He sees the way Logan makes two extra mugs of coffee, sits just so on the couch, touches the small of Roman’s back or the crook of Patton’s shoulder. He sees the way Roman smiles when he looks at Patton the way he doesn’t smile any other time, wraps his arms tightly around Logan’s waist and hooks his chin over his shoulder, keeps his door cracked a little more than usual. He sees the way Patton fusses over the cookies, making sure they’ve always got Roman’s chips and Logan’s pretzels stocked, walks in the middle of the two of them with their hands swinging.

He sees a lot.

And, uh…he realizes something.

Remember that, uh, funny feeling in his chest that he totally thought was from somewhere else?

Listen, just because he sees a lot of stuff doesn’t mean he’s the best at recognizing it.

So yeah. He’s, uh…

You know.

Don’t make him say it.

As it turns out, that can make you blind to certain things. When he’s hyper-focusing on the things he knows he’s going to see, he doesn’t really have the space to realize there’s a whole host of things he doesn’t see.

He doesn’t see the way Patton’s smile drops when Virgil declines his invitation to movie night, saying he doesn’t wanna crash or invade. He doesn’t notice the way Roman makes a point to ask permission to hug Virgil too, cradling him with a tenderness he doesn’t notice that he’s only seen for the others. He doesn’t realize how much Logan’s behavior toward him is how Logan treats Roman and Patton now.

He doesn’t notice much past the ache in his chest.

Then he has a panic attack on their date night and the pain sharpens to an unbearable whine.

They’re not coming. They’re not coming. There’s no one here to help him, he’s alone, he’s always going to be alone, in the dark, in the shadows, away from the light. They’re not worrying about him, why would they? They’ve got each other, they don’t need him, they’ve never needed him, not like he needs them, he’s—he’s all alone, he doesn’t have anyone, no one wants him, he’s going to die like this. He’s alone. It’s cold. The cold is painful. His chest burns from how cold it is. He can’t breathe, it’s so cold.

“Virgil?”

No one is here, no one is coming.

“Roman, can you—?”

Something bangs in the distance.

“Virgil!”

Strong arms wrap around him and pull him into something warm. More strong arms cover his hands and gently pry them away from his face. Something soft rubs his face and strokes over his back.

“I need you to breathe with me, kiddo, come on…”

“We’re right here, Stormcloud, you just calm down now.”

“It’s okay, Virgil, everything is okay.”

They’re…here?

No, no, no, they’re not supposed to be here, it’s their date night, they—oh, god they’re missing their date night for him and he’s ruining it and they’re going to hate him now and—and—

“Shh, shh,” comes Logan’s voice from somewhere above him, “hush now, Virgil, it’s alright. We’ve got you.”

“You’re safe, sweetheart,” Patton coos, “I promise. You just sit with Logan for a minute, okay?”

“I’m—I’m so—sor—sorr—“

“None of that, shadowling,” Roman murmurs, brushing—wait, what?—brushing his lips over the back of Virgil’s shaking hand, “it’s not your fault.”

The ache in Virgil’s chest expands and collapses in on itself again.

Logan makes a comforting noise, tugging Virgil gently this way and that until he’s square in Logan’s arms, his head pillowed in the crook of Logan’s neck. Roman’s hand cards through his hair. Patton taps the 4-7-8 rhythm gently on his arm.

“Virgil, honey?” Patton reaches up to dab at his damp cheek when he mumbles a full apology. “Are you okay, sweetheart?”

“Yeah,” Virgil manages, “y-you can go now, ‘m sorry.”

Roman chuckles. “If you think we’re leaving you, little demon, you’ve got another thing coming.”

“B-but you—“

“Shh, shh,” Roman says quickly when Virgil’s breathing starts to pick up again, “take it easy, V, it’s okay, we’re not in a hurry.”

“It’s your date night,�� Virgil blurts, the words clumsy and too loud in his mouth, “you—you shouldn’t have to be here. W-with—“

“…with,” Patton prompts gently, “with what, kiddo?”

“…with me.”

“Oh, kiddo…”

“If you think,” Roman says quietly, “that we’d rather be anywhere else than right here, with you, at any time, you’re sorely mistaken, V.”

Wait.

What?

“B-but we’re—you’re—I’m not—“

“Not what, kiddo?”

“…yours.”

Saying it out loud punctures his chest again. Tears well up in his eyes as he buries his face shamefully in Logan’s neck.

“…oh my god,” he hears Roman say faintly, “it happened!”

“But I thought we—we were being more obvious!”

“I know! I thought we were too! But this happened! It’s just like the stories, oh my goodness—“

“Oh, kiddo…”

Virgil can’t process any of that right now, thank you very much, because he’s currently hiding in Logan’s embrace and would rather never emerge again.

If he had, well, he may have been a little more prepared for Logan to cup his face with one hand and pull back enough to look him in the eyes.

“Virgil,” Logan whispers, “we thought you already were.”

Stop.

Wait.

Pause.

Go back.

Rewind.

“What?”

“Surely you’ve noticed, kiddo, haven’t you?” Patton squeezes his arm. “We love you, Virgil.”

“B-but—you—“

“Stormcloud,” Roman whispers, brushing his lips over Virgil’s cheek, “we do, and you’re ours as much as you’d like to be.”

“I—I—Logan—“

“Patton’s right,” Logan says, still cupping Virgil’s face as he wipes away stray tears, “to be honest, I….well, I thought you and I were in a relationship long before Patton and Roman.”

“You what?”

In response, Logan leans forward and kisses Virgil’s forehead.

“You don’t think I’d do that for just anyone,” he whispers, too quiet for the others to hear, “do you?”

Hello, yes, hi, Virgil has precisely zero idea what’s going on right now, so uh, if everyone could just hold the fuck on for two seconds it would be greatly appreciated.

“Aww, Left Brain boys!”

“Shh!”

Virgil isn’t interrupting date night.

The others care about him.

The others love him.

The others want him to be a part of their family.

Logan thought they were in a relationship already.

“Shh, shh,” Logan shushes, his thumb stroking Virgil’s shaking cheek, “you don’t have to say anything right now, darling. This is a lot, I’m sure.”

“Logan’s right.” Roman ruffles Virgil’s hair. “We’ll be here for you, Stormcloud.”

“And that’s a promise.”

Yeah, Virgil’s brain is way too fried by all of this to process any of it. But he does know that Roman’s hand in his hair is warm and soft and perfect. He knows that Patton’s murmuring something quietly that’s lulling him right to sleep. He knows that Logan is still holding him tightly, his lips pressed to his forehead, whispering how much they love him.

“Go to sleep, darling,” Logan whispers, “we’ll be here when you wake up.”

“…rude?”

“You’re not being rude, kiddo, promise.”

“Close your eyes,” Roman calls softly, his fingers scratching around Virgil’s head, “and you’ll see, Stormcloud.”

As Virgil’s eyes drift closed, maybe…maybe they’re right.

Maybe it’ll be a little easier to see that way.

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dai-bendu-conlang · 3 years

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Qui-Gon’s Last Words in Dai-Bendu — a Meta/Explanation

So very early into this project, loosingletters and I (ghostwriter) watched The Phantom Menace together, and when Qui-Gon died, we looked at each other and were like “We can make this way sadder in translation, can’t we?”

And so off we went, with that goal in mind.

Because we went into this thinking “can we improve this interaction via language/translation?” we need to first first explain why we don’t love Qui-Gon’s last words in canon, to then explain why we made the changes that we did.

The reasons are as follows:

Qui-Gon’s last words have nothing to do with Obi-Wan, the person he is saying goodbye to.

His last words being an order about Anakin left a weird taste in our mouths

We wanted this to feel more intimate and more emotional

So, we started with ways we could change the connotation of the words being used. We came at it from a lens of assuming that the dialogue was a classic “bad translation” of what was actually said; as in, someone translated the literal meanings of the words into English, and lost a lot of the social meanings that the words might have in their original contexts.

Here are Qui-Gon’s original last words, in canon:

Obi-Wan: Master! Master! Qui-Gon: It’s too late. It’s too… Obi-Wan: No! Qui-Gon: Obi-Wan, promise...promise me you'll train the boy Obi-Wan: Yes, Master Qui-Gon: He is the chosen one...he will...bring balance...train him!

(Sidenote: upon actually looking up the dialogue, we were honestly shocked by how, like. Bare bones it is. And how pretty much all the emotion of that scene comes only from Neeson and McGregor acting their hearts out. So, kudos.)

When looking at this dialogue, we singled out the following things as points we could build on:

Jedi cultural values regarding teaching (which we all have a lot of Feelings about)

The word “promise”

The whole idea of balance

And then we proceeded to go to town.

The Dai Bendu translation of this dialogue is as follows:

Obi-Wan: Jaieh! Jaieh! Qui-Gon: Im enoh...nev forpai paikazah Obi-Wan: Shet. Qui-Gon: Obi-Wan, ikio… ikio fehl paipadenji keel nev paqorak. Obi-Wan: Haj dai, Jaieh. Qui-Gon: Enoah kar... daisha. Pauji... kar aimato’ak. Paden... karak.

Firstly, the things we didn’t change, ie: pretty much all of Obi-Wan’s dialogue.

Obi-Wan says, in order, “Master, Master!” (though he uses the Jedi-specific word for it, which also translates to “teacher”), “No.” and “Yes, Master,” just like in the original script. The most significant thing here is that the Dai Bendu word for “Yes” directly translates to “Force-Wills,” which could be read as some unintentional, ouchy subtext that both implies that Obi-Wan is agreeing with Qui-Gon’s point about Anakin being the Chosen One as a final act of comfort (because he’s expressed doubt about the possibility before), as well as conceding to both himself, Qui-Gon, and the universe that the Force has willed his Master’s death.

Next, the things that changed from the script mostly as a symptom of the ways that Dai Bendu is different from English/Basic. For instance, Qui-Gon refers to Anakin as “the child” rather than “the boy,” because Dai Bendu does not express gender in that way. Instead of saying “it’s too late,” a more word-for-word direct translation of “Im enoh nev forpai paikazah” would be “no time is left,” which both lines up with how we imagine time works in Dai Bendu (link here), and is more natural to the way Dai Bendu handles sentence structure (“it’s too late” is a very English sentence construction).

And now we get to the meaning changes. Other than changing the structure, “im enoh nev forpai paikazah” also adds “pai,” our consequential prefix, to “kazah,” which is the present-tense of the verb “kaza” or “to leave.” That makes the sentence mean something like “no time is left, and because of that the future has changed.” This is essentially Qui-Gon admitting to both himself and to Obi-Wan that his death is going to change, at the very least, Obi-Wan’s future forever, and also the future of the entire universe (though whether or not Qui-Gon knows this last part, in a Force-saturated moment right before death, is unclear in both the original version and our version).

Qui-Gon’s next line is “Obi-Wan, ikio… ikio fehl paipadenji keel nev paqorak.” Again, we have the consequential prefix, this time attached to “paden,” which means “to guide/to teach,” here in the future tense. The implication of that being something like “teach him and it will alter the future.” Adding the consequential prefix to something which is already in the future tense is considered repetitive — comparable to saying something like “it is so enormously big” in English. A native speaker making the choice to add it here illustrates a conscious emphasis. Qui-Gon is really trying to express how important he thinks teaching Anakin is.

We also have a lot of Thoughts and Feelings about the Jedi as a people who are dedicated to teaching as a cultural value. On top of being archivists and having/keeping a vast collection of knowledge, Jedi do pretty much nothing but study/learn their entire lives. They are dedicated diplomats and so on, but outside of that they seem to want to foster understanding and that in-and-of itself is always a lesson. In TCW, for instance, everything is a teachable moment for someone. The fact that so much careful consideration is put into who you pick as your Padawan, and that you retain a deep connection to them even when the apprenticeship is over, shows that this connection and this act of teaching is immensely important. It is considered a standard part of each Jedi’s life to step into that teaching role at least once — nearly every Jedi takes on at least one apprentice. If you take Obi-Wan as an example, he spent half his time in the PT being a student, and then the other half being a teacher. So here, Qui-Gon is taking one of their culture’s most important values and handing it to Obi-Wan.

Then we have the word for “promise” we used, “ikio.” While we have a standard word for promise, “aima,” the word that Qui-Gon uses here instead is one with more cultural meaning. “Ikio” refers to a very specific kind of promise, something like “promise me because you love me,” or “promise me because I trust you above all.” The word dates back to the Jedi-Sith schism, where it was used as an oath to state that you trust this person to take your lightsaber and bring it back to your home temple, should you die in battle.

Which means that, holistically, the line “Obi-Wan, ikio… ikio fehl paipadenji keel nev paqorak” both places the highest amount of trust possible in Obi-Wan’s hands, while also stating that Qui-Gon believes him ready of preforming one of their most culturally important values, and trusts him implicitly to carry that out.

Finally, the line “Enoah kar... daisha. Pauji... kar aimato’ak. Paden... karak.” Some of this is, again, just us having words in Dai Bendu which Basic doesn’t have. “Daisha” is the word for Chosen One, the one referred to as such specifically to that old prophecy Qui-Gon likes so much. It’s a word that all Jedi would be familiar with, but usually in the context of folk tales. It’s like calling someone “The Once and Future King.” (Which also makes Qui-Gon talking to the Council way funnier — “hey guys, I found King Arthur!” “what the fuck??”). Qui-Gon also uses the third person Jedi/in-community pronouns when referring to Anakin, showing that he already thinks of this kid as a Jedi.

Then there is the concept of “aimato,” here in the accusative case as “aimato’ak.” Aimato is the word for “cosmic balance,” which is both a very important idea in Jedi philosophy, and also a very big and abstract concept. And like any other big and abstract concept which has a large impact on lives and culture, like Love or Brotherhood or Democracy or God, it’s something that individual people and individual Jedi have different conceptions of and ideas about. This is a culture of warrior-philosophers — pretty much everyone has a slightly different theory as to what aimato/”cosmic balance” is supposed to mean and what it will look like when it is achieved, or if it’s possible to achieve, from "it means that one day the Force shows itself to all people" to "it's about finding balance within only yourself" to "it means that evil will finally stand down" to "it means that all who strive for it will achieve peace" to "it's in tiny everyday moments." People sit around and debate this for hours.

Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan deeply disagree on it’s definition, given their specialties in the Living vs. Unifying Force, and have essentially had an ongoing debate about it for years. It’s an old, comfortable argument both of them know that neither is ever going to win. They could both probably recite the other’s points in their sleep. However, it’s something they end up going back to every time they have a spare moment with nothing else to do.

Qui-Gon bringing it up here is not only referring to something very important in their culture, it’s almost like referencing an old, treasured inside joke between him and his student, which is something Obi-Wan would pick up on right away.

So, to summarize; we attempted to modify this very... Anakin-focused last dialogue, and instead make it about Qui-Gon telling Obi-Wan he trusts him above all, specifically to teach (which, again, with Jedi and their teaching focused culture is a HUGE thing) and to continue their discussions and keep their traditions going with this child.

It’s also a fun thought experiment in translation studies — sometimes, things really can get lost in a one-for-one translation of something, when cultural and collaborative meaning aren’t considered and translated accordingly.

Thank you for reading!

#Dai Bendu #star wars #star wars meta #obi wan kenobi #Qui Gon Jinn #jedi #jedi culture #meta

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