kdipshit
Untitled, Unmastered
I overshare… BPD mostly
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The sad realisation that you're not actually a quiet person, you have just been forced and shamed into hiding your entire personality and expressing joy.
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The gap in my life that is my teenage years haunts me. I’m sad I’m not connected, I have a feeling I may have come into this body when I attempted suicide, I died, and came back a different person. 18 year old me, how are you? Where are you? Lost in the ocean trying to find my way home, the tide has pulled me into the golden beaches of Australia, but my body rests in peace at home, in Aotearoa. I arrived in australia shocked just like my first time, I felt new, I felt different, I felt happy, I felt alive, but empty. A soulless creature roaming the streets, 18 in bali… single, my ex has gone. And he won’t be coming back.
Well he’ll come back a few times actually over the course of a few years, and then he’s gone. He’s gone.
10 days until our 10 year anniversary, the date… it’s creeping up on me and my subconscious is trying not to flip the table holds everything together. I will be stronger than last time.
#actually bipolar#actually borderline#mental health#blog#bpdvent#lost soul#pro recovery#original writing#original words
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I’m sick and fucking tired of acting normal and masking myself. I’m not normal. Don’t tell me you get it you don’t. Don’t tell me how to fix it because it’s not like anything you have ever experienced, that shit doesn’t work on me. It’s not sunshine and rainbows out there it’s hell. I’m not happy. Stop telling me to be happy, to be grateful to be okay to behave to do any fucking thing, you have no idea how debilitating it is, how I feel like I have someone else in my body - how I feel like an imposter how I feel like a fraud. Every breath is forced, every inch of my skin raw, pounding head and the sense of a dark being inside and outside of my body. Don’t tell me to leave my shit at the door I will literally scream. Because that’s all I can fkn hear in my head anyway. Screams in my head, screams in my dreams, I’m silent but not on the inside. Stay away from me, leave me the fuck alone
#actually bipolar#actually borderline#mental health#mental instability#original writing#s3lfh4rm#I literally wanna kill myself
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If I look at the dots in the sky, I come back to myself
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My life is going good and my thoughts are so addicted to it’s pattern that it’s screaming for me to kill myself and praying for me to self sabotage
#mental health#actually bipolar#actually borderline#mental instability#bpd thoughts#actually bpd#original writing#original words
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Somebody help me disconnect from my thoughts
#actually bipolar#actually borderline#mental instability#actually bpd#original writing#original words
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Ugh bpd feelings suck, I can’t think about an ex without thinking about him for hours, I don’t even feel anything for my first love who I was thinking about for the last 6 months. I want someone else now… but is it real? Or is it BPD. I feel like I fucked up with him and if I could do it all over again I would have stuck with him the whole way. But I can’t tell him this, and I can’t get him back because he has a gf, bro, idk. But I want him back. And I feel sick, thinking about how he missed ONE message from me and before he could reply his ex was already trying to get him back aswell. And she’s my friend, so I was supportive and let her have him. Why did I do that. I guess I didn’t think it would work out. But they’re together now, and I’ve been sad about it ever since. When I see him my entire body lights up. And I love him, and I know he loves me too. Trying not to be a home wrecking slut, but my feelings are too strong. This is why I stay far away from everybody, my intentions contradict themselves. The only thing that gets me off one person is falling for another, otherwise I’m stuck in a loop of my exs who loved me for real. Thoughts, that’s all they are. I’m toxic, but I feel safe in my toxic brain. Even though I don’t like it there, changing it has been hard.
#blogging#mental health#actually bipolar#actually borderline#mental instability#new blog#actually bpd#original post#original writing#original words
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Im scared I’ve lost it, writing wise, like musically, its hard innit, I hope I haven’t lost it. I’m thinking too much when I write, is it gonna be good does it make sense, bruh just talk but rhyme.
Right now, I like the gym alot, I like the feeling I gives me, I stay to myself dont look at anyone, I wanna go back, I actually don’t care what people think of me. I feel confident, I feel like the fool card again :) 000
I love right now, I’m happy with right now, I’m dark. I’m a dark person, I’m okay with that and feel at home in the darkness. Black explains me perfectly, I feel like my name is black.
They say they love me and then they’re treat me like shit and I’m like ‘oh well this must be what love is’
I feel like if I can become aware of the fact peace and boredom can feel the same, i should be able to have the choice between which feeling I feel. Boredom or peace. Babes. I’m choosing peace every time. There’s a lot of pessimism around me trying to make me feel unhappy about certain things because that’s what we think we should feel…. When you can literally choose to look at it a different way, in a good way.
So what next for me anyway? Good chemicals released forever, so much moneys has manifested into my life its arrived. Gym rat I love it so much. I feel so good and confident in the gym, a like lost, but I felt good. I didn’t care what anyone thought of me n I gave it my all.
#mental health#blogging#actually bipolar#actually borderline#mental instability#actually bpd#original post#original writing#original words#lost#bpd vent#getting better
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why is wanting and needing things so humiliating like yes i do need a hug so what whatever die kys dont look at me i hope you blow up youre nothing leave me alone
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everyday i come on here and am like dear diary here are my deepest fears
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Everybody around me has some kind of dreams, goals for the future.
When I look at the future, it's just an empty darkness.
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Moving train
Looking for love at all would be ‘trying to replace him’. I literally have no doubt in my mind that he feels the same because of how real it is. And was. I wonder if we had no choice but to meet those 10 years ago. I still feel like I know him. That’s how I feel. Because I guess that’s what I think….
Fresha den a mahfucka still. Yanno how theres a train in the movie inside out? Thats how I recognise my thoughts. Doesn’t stop, or maybe it does, but its usually not a good idea to try to stop a train. I’m having thoughts associated with the feelings that trigger sadness, lol because I don’t have all the ingredients for my Oreo sundae :( thats my favourite food right now, so like, I want it yanno.
I was depressed during the years I was supposed to be gaining my confidence. Learning confidence at my big age is. Lil difficult to navigate, thank god I’m not older and I’m sorting it out NOW coz shit this shit has the capacity to blow up my entire life if I lose control. i can’t handle another blow up.
Im a disgusting pig. No I’m not, my thoughts are so perverted. I feel disgusted by them. They are so dark and twisted, just like my nails that will pierce the vein of the one I love. Lol jks, maybe. Should write a book. No girl, idk girl. But when I feel disgusted by my thoughts in turn I am disgusted with myself… so obviously I’m identifying myself with my thoguhts, whats going on girly? Lil slip ups maybe, they’re not you. Their like grapes on your head lol. Just get em off, just give some space, your thoughts are not going to abandon you, I know you hold onto your thoughts because when your close enough to the thought train, it drowns out everything its so loud. Its dangerous to be that close to moving trains, how was it is to die. i got pretty close to the train in fact I slept next to it. Letting go is obviously like, scary, I never thought of it that way.. huh. I’m attached to my thoughts bitch they don’t leave???let go man. Give me some space. I need to breath, lets go watch the train from up on the hill Over there.
Y’all, I need to level up, I don’t have to get the same Shi, do the same Shit or think about the same shit. I shouldnt settle. Weed isn’t sustaining me the same, its like my life is becoming grey. Been throwing colour bombs at it but I mean its still grey now it just has paint on it. I think I’m depressed, am I? I don’t know.. am I just lazy? I’m tired….
I wish sometimes that I would just fkn die I swear to god. I would rather die than to think how I think… sometimes.
I feel like I’m having trouble expressing myself, I don’t feel led by the thoughts, thank god, but I feel empty or lost, a very specific kind situation creates what I’m feeling
Smooth sailin’ from here on out. Weed keeps me calm so thats why I’ve found it hard to replace, opens me up a bit more for conversation, I want it all.
I want it ALL, why wouldn’t I want it all? Money, fast cars, diamond rings, gold chains and champagne, shit every damn thang. I want it all.
Am I slow? am I scared? Why do I never really say whats on my mind? I’m scared.. and then it get brought up anyways, why dot I speak up when I want to? I’m scared. whY?rejection. Embarrassment. I feel like ppl will laugh and I will remember that laugh every time I try to speak. i remember one time I plagiarised an English assignment without realising it was for a speech and I couldn’t say the words lmao.dont remember how I got out of that one.
I am most safe right now up on my hill watching my thoughts, that seat may very well be any position I’m in where I’m writing.
How good is sipping a fucking cup of tea. A hot cuppa, fuck yeah bro, I’m just missing the ciggy, might jump on those during the winter lmao. Smoke ciggys in the winter, what doya think? Yeah maybe, more aesthetic. I seriously wish I had a cigarette rn
#blogging#mental health#new blog#actually bipolar#actually borderline#mental instability#actually bpd#original post#original writing#original words
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Well then
Alrightyyyy, hows the crowd feeling tonight, I’m hearing so many cheers rn girl. First of all I feel good, I read a whole ass book in one sitting pretty much, and Jesus lord have me. I’m coming to the full understanding and awareness that I am not my brain, my brains is a fucking computer. I know, what the hecka, I change the colour of it, its pink. LOL WTF it already was, but now its a compter that lives in my brain. 1 computer, all files away neatly stored away safely. Omgggg, yanno my middle place? Well now I have a computer in my room, thats my brain, it’s all my thoughts, feelings and beliefs. I’m beginning to feel from my heart… thats my intuition, my gut feeling, my love, me.
#blogging#mental health#new blog#actually bipolar#actually borderline#mental instability#actually bpd#original post#original writing#original words#bipolar
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