#which like how did that not get taken down from youtube
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8 Shows To Get To Know Me
thanks for tagging me @stephmcx!! I'm always so surprised when people tag me in these things 🥹🥹
8 of my favorite shows are M*A*S*H, Twin Peaks, Dynasty, Seven Deadly Sins, Neon Genesis Evangelion, The Witcher, Hawaii Five-0, and Gorl World YouTube Drama
you can read my unhinged ramblings below the cut ♥️♥️
M*A*S*H: this show was my absolute favorite in high school, and it took me so long to watch because I had to rely on re-runs. If I was lucky, I would catch 2 episodes Monday-Thursday and 1-2 episodes on Saturday 12-2am. The series finale completely destroyed me to the point that I have a hard time finishing any TV show these days.
Twin Peaks: yet another show where the then series finale really stuck with me until we got The Return finale which also really stuck with me. Special Agent Dale Cooper remains one of my all-time favorite characters. His optimism and work ethic are inspirational.
Dynasty: y'all haven't lived until you watch an 80's soap opera. The drama and wardrobe are phenomenal. Some of the craziest shit I've ever seen was in Dynasty season 2 and 3. The plot points to get to this clip... incredible.
Seven Deadly Sins: this is the first anime I really got into, and it changed my life. Ban was my first husbando, and the rest is history. The series finally ended in two parts last year, and I kinda wish the second part never happened. It's sad that the series was dropped from the original animation studio, so later seasons do not have great animation. It's a fun ride! Just don't want the second half of the last season.
Neon Genesis Evangelion: a lot of my favorite shows have endings that just rocked my world, and boy howdy is Evangelion one of them. At the end of the anime, I was very hopeful, but I was devastated after finishing End of Evangelion. Two endings that are supposed to be the same but different. I am Shinji. Shinji is me. I first watched this show in 2019 and then rewatched in 2021, and it hit different in the midst of a pandemic and after the Texas 2021 Winter Storm. Excited to rewatch again this year!
The Witcher: while I prefer the video games now, the show is so good that I ended up binging the first season in 1 day with a friend of mine and then I bought Witcher 3 on my PS4 the next day. The rest is history. I love Geralt of Rivia so much. He is my special traumatized old man with a praise kink who has seen some shit boy.
Hawaii Five-0: this is not a show, it is a gay fever dream. I started watching this show while visiting my grandmother last year because she had crime show re-runs on constantly, and I always hoped that Hawaii Five-0 would come on. I am continually amazed by how close Steve and Danny are that I sometimes don't believe it's a real show. How did they get away with it all and still not make McDanno canon? They lived together, went to couple's counseling, shared the same bed, cuddled on the couch, DANNY TOLD STEVE TO PICK A BASE. gay gay homosexual gay.
Gorl World YouTube Drama: I fell into Gorl World about 2 years ago, boy howdy I can't stop watching. I don't enjoy reality television, but I sure as fuck am down to watch hours uponhours of coverage on everything that goes down with Foodie Beauty, ALR, Nikocado Avocado, and others. FB in particular bc her life is so buckwild that it can't be real. i miss the nashie era. long live Queen BBJ ♥️♥️
#about me#tv shows i love#don't judge me for how much i follow foodie beauty drama#that woman is a hot mess#we're all wondering if she has covid or got MERS from hugging a camel on the side of the road#she recently uprooted her whole life to live in kuwait with a man who doesn't love her and her marriage to him isn't real/legal#i think this is all an elaborate plot on FB's part to get her ex back#the same ex who dated her publicly for 5 days and also smoked crack/meth live on youtube#which like how did that not get taken down from youtube#we still don't know#anyway#don't judge me#or my unhinged youtube watch history
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re: Somerton
Not for nothing, but I think we should remember that James Somerton's fans and subscribers are normal people, just like you. They are people who received his output in good faith, and extended to him a normal amount of grace and benefit of the doubt, which he took advantage of.
I don't think it's helpful to respond to the exposé on Somerton with sentiments along the lines of "wow, how could anyone ever think THIS GUY'S videos were any good, ha ha ha, how did he ever get subscribers?" because 1) you have the substantial benefit of hindsight and a disengaged outsider perspective, and 2) it's a rhetoric that creates a divide between you (refined, savvy, smart, sophisticated) and Somerton's audience (gullible, unrefined, easily taken advantage of, terrible taste), which is a false divide, with a false sense of security.
Somerton's success happened because he stole good writing. He found interesting, insightful, in-depth work done by other people, applied the one skill he actually has which is marketing, and re-packaged it as his own. He targeted a market which is starving for the exact kind of writing he was stealing, and pushed his audience to disengage from sources that conflicted with him.
Hbomberguy makes this point in his exposé video: good queer writing is hard to find and incredibly easy to lose. The writers Somerton stole from were often poor or precarious, writing freelance work for small circles under shitty conditions, without the means or the reach or the privileges necessary to find bigger markets. And, as Hbomb demonstrated, when people did discover Somerton's plagiarism, he used his substantial audience to hound them away and dissuade anyone else from trying to hold him accountable.
He stole queer writing by marginalized people, about experiences and perspectives that people are desperate to hear more about, and even if his delivery and aesthetics were naff, his words resonated with people because the original writers who actually wrote them poured their goddamn hearts and souls into it.
Somerton also maintained a consistent narrative of persecution and marginalization about himself. He took the plain truth, which is that queer people and perspectives are discriminated against, and worked that into a story about himself as a lone, brave truth-teller, daring to voice an authentic queer perspective, constantly beset by bigots and adversaries who sought to tear him down. As @aranock, who works with some of the people he targeted, writes in this post, Somerton weaponized whatever casual bias and bigotry he could find in his audience to reinforce his me vs them narrative (usually misogyny and various forms of transphobia), which is what grifters do. They find a vulnerable thread in a community and pull on it. And while you may not have the particular vulnerability that he exploited, you do have vulnerabilities, and they can be exploited too.
People felt compelled to support him, even if his work was sometimes shoddy, because he presented himself as a vulnerable, marginalized person in need of help, he pulled on that vulnerable thread.
Again, he has a degree in marketing, and just like propaganda, nobody is immune to marketing.
YouTube as a system is set up to push for more, constantly more. More content, more videos, more output, more more more more, and part of Somerton and Illuminaughty's success was their ability to push out large amounts of content to the hungry algorithm, even if it was of inferior quality. The algorithm rewarded their volume of output with more eyeballs and attention, and therefore more opportunities to find people who were vulnerable to their grift.
It is a system which quite literally rewards the exact kind of plagiarism that they do, because watch-time and engagement are easily measurable metrics for a corporation, and academic rigor is not. There is pressure to deliver, and a lot of rewards to gain from cutting corners to do it.
Somerton and Illuminaughty and Internet Historian are extreme and very obvious cases, so blatant that you can make a four hour video essay exposing what they've done, but the vast majority of this kind of plagiarism isn't going to be obvious - sometimes it might not even be obvious to the people who are doing it. Casual plagiarism is endemic to the modern internet, and most people don't get educated on what the exact boundaries are between proper sourcing and quoting vs plagiarizing. We had an entire course module at my university aimed at teaching students the exact differences and definitions, and people still made good faith mistakes in their essays and papers that they had to learn to correct during their education.
All of this to say: it is extremely easy in hindsight to call Somerton's work shitty and shoddy, his aesthetics flat and uninspired, and to imagine that as a sophisticated person with good taste and critical faculties, you would never be taken in by this kind of grifter. It is extremely easy to distance yourself from the people he preyed on, and imagine that you will never have to worry about your fave doing your dirty like that.
But part of the point of Hbomberguy's video is that plagiarism is extremely easy to get away with, and often difficult for the average person to spot and call out, and with the rise of AI tools blurring the lines even further, it is not going to get any easier.
So I think we should resist the temptation to think of Somerton's audience as people with bad taste and poor faculties. We should resist the temptation to distance ourselves from the perfectly normal people he preyed on. Many times in your life, a modestly clever man with a marketing degree has fooled you too.
On a personal note, by the same token, I am resisting the temptation to assume that I am too good to be vulnerable to the systemic pressures that produced Somerton and Illuminaughty. No, I've never made a video by word-for-word reciting someone else's work, but I know for a fact that I could do a better job of double-checking my work and citing my sources. I feel the exact same pressure to get a video out as fast as possible, I have the exact same rewards dangled in front of me by YouTube as a platform, and I can't pretend it doesn't affect my work. To me, Hbomb's video felt like a wake-up call to do better.
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Jealousy, Jealousy- Chris Sturniolo
Summary: You got a little jealous and insecure about chris’ relationship with Tara, the fans don’t know about you so it makes your thoughts a little worse.
Warnings: Arguments, inscure, fluff, use of Y/N, kinda Asshole chris, TW! co comparison
A/N: I HOPE YOU GUYS ENJOY THIS BABIES?! also a PSA!! no hate to tara i love her sm she’s absolutely amazing and beautiful this is jus a FICTIONAL story!!
•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••
It was an average Tuesday for me sitting in my apartment waiting for chris to come over so we can have our normal once a week movie night at my house. i knew chris had a video to film, i assumed it was for his youtube channel cause normally they film either on monday or tuesday for their wednesday videos. The endless scroll of tiktok was genuinely getting exhausting, considering chris and i had both decided to keep our relationship private until we felt comfortable enough to share with his fans, i always get chris fan edits all over my for you page, which was nice, sometimes i send him the good ones to see his reaction, but as im scrolling through tiktok a video popped up of chris and his newer friend tara, singing ‘Primadonna’ by Marina, now normally i don’t get jealous or insecure because i know he’s mine and im his, he ALWAYS made sure i was okay with anything, but he never told me the video he was doing was with her? she had this newer series on her channel called ‘Stuck in a car with..’ and last weeks was Nick, so i’m assuming this weeks was chris.. but why wouldn’t he tell me? he tells me everything? why was she smiling at chris like that? does she know he has a girlfriend? did he tell her? why was this the song choice? why was he not telling me it was Tara that he was filming with? i trust chris why am i overthinking so much? why am i questioning him? do i have a right to question things? should i test him? should i just ask? what if he gets mad at me for being like this?
A billion thoughts were flooding my once at eased mind with thoughts of Insecurities and Jealousy. she’s a beautiful woman, amazing style, she’s funny, she’s a lot of things i’m not, but does that matter to chris?
i get up off my bed to head to the bathroom to run me a nice warm bath to see if that’ll ease my mind, i step in the bathroom and turn on the light and start the water and stop in the bathroom mirror and stare. i just sit here for a good 4 minutes looking at myself, comparing myself to her, was it her perfect skin? her perfect figure? i let out a frustrated sigh and hop in the tub and my tense body softens at the hot water absorbing into my skin. i lean back in the tub and stare at the ceiling. questioning myself what i’m gonna do.
it’s now about 6pm, i’ve taken a bath, nervous baked, cookies, brownies, and a chocolate cake, baking always seems to calm my nerves down, i’ve watched 7 movies, no word from chris which is weird, but what’d i expect.
Speak of the fucking devil.
Chrissy 🎀
Hey ma, sorry i’ve not responded, we just got done filming and we ran a few errands and im on the way to your house now baby.
this motherfucker, did he just lie to my face? so he’s now believing his lie that he was filming with his brothers?
Y/N
doors open 🙃
maybe i should just play it cool, maybe i should just see how long he cracks? nah i shouldn’t do that thats some toxic shit.
i hear my doorbell ring a couple times, i get off the couch and walk to the door and open it up to find chris standing there in his light blue Fresh Love hoodie smiling at me.
“Hi baby” he smiles at me holding his arms out expecting a hug from me like i normally do but i can’t help but stare into his eyes and my once harsh gaze softens at his smile and i walk closer giving him a hug and he kisses my head.
i pull away from his soft hug and let him in. as he walks in he notices my disarray of a house, dishes everywhere, flour is scattered over my kitchen counter he has a puzzled look on his face.
“what’s with all those dishes and stuff?” he points around at my kitchen.
“oh that?… yeah i uh started watching tiktok waiting for you and i started baking..” my voice trails off.
“okay..” he starts “anyways… what movie do you wanna watch” he walks with me to my couch and sits down with his arm draped over my shoulders.
“i don’t wanna watch a movie” i smile “i just wanna sit and talk to you for a little bit” he smiles softly at me.
“what do you wanna talk about ma” he chuckles smiling at me
“umm how was filming?” i drop my head playing with my rings on my fingers.
“oh yeah it was good, a lot of good laughs, but it’s how we normally are” he laughs nervously.
“so just you and your brothers?” i lift my head up smiling at him. at this point i blacked out, i completely lost control of my voice, i trust him but why wasn’t he telling me the truth?
“yeah, we was filming for wednesdays new video” he looks me deeply in my eyes, straight up lied to me.
my lips kiss my teeth and i nod, “so Tara is your brother?” i spit out.
his eyes widen, and his face goes pale “Y/N, it’s not what it looks like, look i know me and you have been together for a year and a half in private, she knows i have a girlfriend who i love” he places his hand on my knee rubbing circles on it.
i nod “yeah so why didn’t you just tell me you were with tara? then when i asked you completely lied to my face, yeah i saw the fucking tiktok you guys made, and best believe me, the comments on that fucking video? a BUNCH of boat emojis, and ‘oh the way he looks at her’ what the fuck chris?” my voice cracks with anger and sadness
“Y/N i just know how you are..” he looks down playing with his thumbs.
“HOW I AM? chris i have done nothing but trust you, im sorry for expecting the bare minimum by i don’t know my boyfriend to tell me that he’s filming a video with someone? then not lie to me about who he was with?” i yell standing up off the couch.
“Y/N sit down, talk to me ma, i promise it’s not like that” chris starts trying to grab my hand, i jerk my hand back.
“no you’re not gonna ‘ma’ me, at all, you lied chris, u caught you in a lie, if i would have never seen that fucking tiktok, you would have never fucking told me about it chris, what the fuck?” i pace around my living room in anger and in almost tears
“Y/N…baby” he gets off the couch trying to calm me down.
“no chris, get away from me, get out, i don’t wanna see you” i sit on the floor next to my window in fetal position with my head between my knees.
“Y/N pls don’t push me out” he starts “please, i love you” he squats down at eye level with me
“give me one second chris” i stand up and go out the door unlocking my phone and dialing matt’s number.
“Y/N? what’s up?” matt answers
“come get your brother, i can’t look at him” my voice shakes and tears form my eyes.
“what happened Y/N” his voice panicked
“i should let chris tell you, just please matt?” i single tear drops from the left side of my face
“i’m on my way” he sighs.
i end the call walking back inside and chris is sitting on the couch with his face in his hands as if he’s stressed.
“your brother is on his way Christopher” i sigh walking to my room and locking the door, obviously he followed me sitting at my door with his head leaning against the door.
“Y/N please… i just know since our relationship is private how sometimes you can get insecure” he starts; not helping the situation.
“Chris, leave, you’re not helping” i start crying
“fine, you know fuck this, i tried explaining myself, you don’t believe me, ive tried, now im the problem” he sighs dragging his feet and slamming my front door which causes me to jump and start harshly crying. i hear a ping from my phone assuming its chris i turn it around to find Nick frantically texting me.
Nick Bean 🫘
Y/N??
WHAT DID MY BROTHER DO?!
ARE YOU GUYS BROKEN UP?
WHO I NEEDA FIGHT??
i guess news travels fast in the sturniolo household.
Y/N 🎀
no we’re not broken up, he didn’t tell me that he was filming with tara, told me he was filming with you and matt, but i found out from a tiktok.. all of his comments were shipping him, and i know our relationship is private but like nick… i love your brother so much..
i start crying harder then i’ve cried before. i never would have thought chris would make me cry like this, never, he’s always been so communicative with me. why start this now?
Nick Bean 🫘
what the fuck..
why?
but i have to say one thing Y/N, you know he would never leave you, i can say that, i can’t justify his actions but i can say he loves you dearly.
was i overthinking? he lied. was i being dramatic? he lied.
Y/N 🎀
i know nick, but i jus need a couple days to cool down.. that’s all im asking, a couple days to get his ass straight
i put my phone down and power it off so i can sleep without interruptions, or at least try and attempt to sleep.
about an hour later i woke up, tears staining my face, mascara still running down my cheeks, my heart aches. why would chris do something like this.
Two Days Later
the past two days i’ve heard nothing from anyone, nick hasn’t checked on me, matt hasn’t, and i expected chris not to check on me considering he’s playing the victim card.
New Message Requests from Ms.Yummy on instagram!
hm? tara texted me? god she’s probably the last person i expected to hear from.
Mrs.Yummy
Hey girl! so i heard about you and chris! i just want to say he did tell me all about you, he bragged so much about you!! sorry if things got mixed up between me and chris!! nothing is going on between us! i hope you can forgive him! <3
so i’m guessing chris texted her. wow. he can text her but not me? are you kidding me? i clicked on her profile and found myself gazing at her pictures, looking at the way she does her eyeliner, the way she dresses, her smile, her nonexistent acne, her perfect makeup. fuck i’m doing it again, but i’m not answering her.
Movies, sleep, cry, shower. that’s my routine for the last 2 days. i can’t live without him. maybe he’s right. maybe i am insecure. maybe i am jealous.
fuck it.
Y/N
come over at 5. we need to talk.
i texted chris. we needed to fix whatever problems we had. weather it’s me being insecure and jealous or chris lying to me. we needed to fix things.
Chrissy 🎀
i’m coming over now.
fuck. i had no time to get ready, i looked like shit, felt like shit, still had stains on my face from tears. never mind, i didn’t care, i just needed my boyfriend back.
about an hour waiting for him i was in between dozing off and staying awake, i hear keys jingling at my door. damnit he has a spare key. he slowly walks in holding flowers and my favorite gummy candies and chocolate.
“Hey Y/N i’m sorry it took so long, i ubered all around LA, you know how embarrassing that is? matt refused to drive me anywhere today. him and nick are both mad at me since the whole…yk?” he started nervous smiling.
“these are pretty, and thanks for the food” i say walking up to him with a straight face, and grabbing things from his hand and placing them on my kitchen counter.
“so now what?” he placed his hand on the counter.
“i don’t know chris, You told Tara about our relationship problems obviously, she took your side” i rolled my eyes.
“look i know i fucked up Y/N, i should have just told you about filming with Tara, i shouldn’t have lied..” he starts
“you didn’t just lie Chris. you lied to my fucking face even when i questioned you.. THEN you told Tara about us and she fucking texted me all silly and ass kissing me.. how do you think i’ve felt? genuinely curious how do you think i’ve been doing?” i sit on the counter with my arms crossed staring at him looking at the floor.
“well uhm by the looks of things around here, and your stained cheeks, not good…” he continued to look at the ground moving his ring on his finger around in circles around his finger.
“chris you’ve got me looking in the mirror differently thinking i’m flawed, i mean look at Tara? she’s fucking beautiful, she’s skinny, she’s funny, she’s got amazing style, and definitely good taste in men if she’s interested in you..” my voice fades off and i start breathing in and out trying not to cry.
“fuck” he whispers “Y/N you’re all of that and more… no i’m not making this up, you’re absolutely the right woman for me, i should have told you about tara, im just saying i should have never made you feel different about yourself, i shouldn’t have lied, and i shouldn’t have lied to you. i’m sorry Y/N, for everything, im sorry for making you feel any less then perfect, you’re so very perfect to me” he grabs both sides of my face looking at me deep in the eyes. “you” he kisses my forehead “are” he kisses my right cheek “so” he kisses my left cheek “perfect” he finally places a little kiss on my lips making me smile.
“there’s that beautiful smile i’ve missed” he says still cupping my cheeks making a soft pink color appear on my cheeks.
“i’m sorry chris, i may have overreacted but im sorry for causing an emotional distress upon our relationship” i softly smile.
he places his hands down besides my legs on the counter “that doesn’t matter anymore. i promise from here on out, no matter what, no matter who, i will tell you who im filming with, okay?” he holds out his pinkie, i roll my eyes and intertwining my pinkie with his and smiling.
“i just want you Y/N Y/M/N Y/L/N, only you, one day i’m gonna make you take my last name, i can PROMISE you that” he says kissing my lips softly.
“i only want you Christopher Owen Sturniolo” i smile back softly giving him another peck on the cheek “can we take a nap please… i haven’t been sleeping good lately… and i just want you to hold me” i look down and back up at chris with his blue eyes gazing down at me smiling.
“yes but i have to do something before anything okay? but you can’t look” he smirks
“i’m confused but okay..” i smile softly.
Liked by Nicksturniolo, Mattsturniolo, MommyYN and others
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ChrisSturniolo WHOOPSIE FINGER SLIPPED.. Hard launch :) @MommyYn
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“CHRIS” i drag out the ‘s’ “no way..” i almost had tears in my eyes.
“now the entire world can see that you are mine and i am yours” he smiled kissing my lips softly “now we can take a nap.. come here ma” he opens his arms out for me i lay down on the couch resting my head on his chest and he kisses my head whispering sweet nothings to me, as i fall asleep peacefully for the first time in 2 days with my boyfriend.
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A/N pt 2 I HOPE YOU GUYS ENJOYED THIS!! again no hate to tara, i love tara, she’s an icon to me, this is completely fictional!! I LOVE YOU ALL
XOXO
Gabs 💋
#Spotify#chris sturniolo#christopher sturniolo#matt sturniolo#nick sturniolo#nicolas sturniolo#sturniolo fanfic#sturniolo triplets#the sturniolo triplets#sturniolo smut#sturniolo x reader#chris sturniolo x you#matt sturniolo smut#matthew sturniolo#chris sturniolo x reader#sturniolo#tara yummy
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Pairing : Dad!Lee Felix x F!Reader
TW : it's still pure angst ; Felix pining over reader ; biiig regret ; arguing ; Y/N has an idol boyfriend, but I'm gonna keep it a surprise, let me know in the comments how you feel ;
Word Count : 4.7k
Request : So many... It's here now!
A/N : I kinda did a fast forward here because I feel like I do a lot of fics like this where the child(ren) are newborns and there's not much that I can do with all that. So, it's set about 2 and a half years after the first fic!
“You can finish editing tomorrow…” Your boyfriend said, coming up behind you as you sat in front of your laptop that felt like it was now burning holes through your eyes. “And the offer is still on the table, I can have one of the editors from the company take on the videos. I’m sure they wouldn’t mind.” He leaned over your chair, his chin resting on your shoulder as your head jerked forward, your lack of sleep catching up with you fast.
“We’re not even supposed to be together, I don’t think the company would really be okay with editing the vlogs… I’m fine, I just need another cup of coffee.” You excused, making sure to save the current editing file just in case you passed out and accidentally clicked something. “Are the babies still sleeping?” You asked as you pushed yourself up from the chair, about to head to the bedroom door, but his hands grabbed your hips, holding you in place.
“Yes they’re sleeping. And you don’t need another cup of coffee, you need to get to sleep too.” He gently led you to the bed, stifling his laughter as you staggered and tripped over your feet on the way over, only letting you go to pull the blankets back far enough for you to get under them. Once your head hit the pillow though your eyes were shut. “Goodnight, baby…”
//
“Who the fuck is that?!” Felix groaned as he watched the video on the tv screen, hoping that if the image were bigger he’d be able to figure it out, but you seemed to perfectly blur the guy in every shot and you didn’t even show his face. “Clearly it’s her boyfriend or something… He’s holding the kids and he’s in every single fucking video!”
He had only found out about your youtube channel and your twice a week vlog uploads because one of the guys had shown him, none of them had even known that you had been pregnant when the two of you broke up, but when they saw the babies, they immediately knew that they were Felixs kids. He became a regular viewer, and he had even created a fake account just to follow your channel so he’d be notified when you uploaded.
It was the only way he was able to see his kids, he was too ashamed to try to reach out to you, and you had done so well with working while you were pregnant and saving up money that you didn’t even ask him for help. Now that your Youtube channel had taken off, you were making more money and you seemed happy and that destroyed him.
“Dude… Why don’t you just call her up and ask her who it is? I mean, they’re your kids, you have the right to know who’s around them…” Hyunjin groaned, watching the video on the screen be rewound for the hundredth time so Felix could once again try to make out the mystery man just by his blurred back. “This is ridiculous… You’ve been watching her videos for a whole year… It’s giving stalker vibes.”
“Shut up, everyone watches her videos. You’re not calling them stalkers.” Felix mumbled, leaning forward until he was almost halfway off the couch and slowing down the video before pushing play again. “What if he’s an idol… What if he’s like… One of us, and she can’t show him because it’s against company rules. I haven’t heard anyone talk about her though… I know a lot of people… Fuck!”
“Yeah but people that watch aren’t acting like you.” Hyunjin retorted, rolling his eyes as Felix got on his knees in front of the tv now, his face practically against the screen. “For fucks sake, just fucking text her and ask. The worst she could do is tell you to fuck off… Which honestly wouldn’t be far fetched considering the way you were… But still.” Felix paused the video once more only to look at Hyunjin over his shoulder, his eyes narrowed at his hyung. “Don’t even… You’ve literally been watching your kids grow up through a screen. Just… fucking try to set something up so you can at least meet them. It’s kind of pathetic that you’re doing all this.”
Felixs eyes rolled as he turned back towards the screen, now focused on his son and daughter, both of them being held by the blurred man in each of his arms, their smiling, freckled faces looking at the camera that was directed towards them. He had missed so much, but in some way, the videos made him feel like he was still there, he was still a part of their lives in some way, even from a distance. It’s all he had. “What am I supposed to do? Run back to her house and try to apologize? I said awful things, Hyunjin… I can’t take those things back. Let me at least have this.”
Hyunjin sighed heavily, running his hands over his face before looking down at his phone. “It’s 2 in the morning, Felix. At least do this shit when you’ve had some sleep. Your eyes are barely even open.” And, knowing that Felix wouldn’t move unless someone else moved him, Hyunjin got up off the couch and yanked Felix up off the floor. “And think about what I said… It would be way better than doing this every single night.”
//
“You’re bringing them in today, right?” Your boyfriend asked as you sat between both of the kids' highchairs, taking turns making train sounds as you fed them their morning oatmeal. You eyed him curiously. You had never brought the babies into the office, you never felt the need to, plus, nobody knew about them, nobody even knew that you and your boyfriend had been together for an entire year now. Everything was kept under wraps to protect him and the children.
“And why would I do that?” You mused, your eyes still darting between the kids to make sure none of them were spitting up their breakfast. He simply shrugged, but you saw the glint in his eyes, he was up to something. “They’re not old enough to be trainees yet, and I don’t even know if I want them to live that kind of lifestyle. You see how hard it is.” You were being honest, but you also knew that that wasn’t what he was thinking of at all, and usually when you said something so off the wall ridiculous, he’d quickly correct you and tell you what he was really thinking, and that’s exactly what happened.
“I don’t want them to be idols either. I want them to be happy and not have to hide from cameras all the time. I want them to be able to date… When they’re old enough, and not have to worry about scandals and rumors. I want them to be able to live their lives normally.” He agreed, pulling out the chair next to your daughter and lifting her bib to wipe her chin. “I want the guys to meet them, I want management to meet them. If they say anything, I don’t really care. I love you three, and I’m tired of things being so secretive. I want to be shown in your vlogs. I’m tired of everyone assuming I’m Felix because the kids look like him.”
You snorted loudly, drawing the attention of the kids beside you who both tried to mimic the noise you had made. “I think that’s the craziest thing you’ve said all week.” You joked, but he was serious, and you could tell by the look he was giving you. “Babe, I love you, and I’d love to be able to show you in the videos… But do you know how much backlash you and the group would get? I can’t do that.” You explained, scraping the last bit of oatmeal out of their bowls and feeding it to them before cleaning them up and letting them out of their chairs to go play.
“What are you talking about? Fans love watching us with kids, they live for it. We could get so much footage of not only me with the babies, but the other guys too. The fans will go crazy in a good way!” He tried to reason, and you knew he wasn’t exactly wrong. That’s why BabyClouds channel had so many views and so many subscribers. People really did love watching their biases in domestic situations like that. “Plus, I already told the managers that I was bringing in a couple people today that I wanted them to meet, and they cleared their schedule a bit to meet you guys.”
You huffed loudly, running your hands over your face. “Do they know exactly who they’re meeting, or did you just say someone?” You asked, and he pursed his lips, averting his gaze. “You’re throwing me and the babies into the lions den… What the frick?” He chuckled lightly at your censored curse, he thought it was adorable. “It’s not funny. You said it yourself that you didn’t want them being followed by cameras, and if the world finds out that it’s you in my videos, they’ll never leave you, me, or the babies alone.”
He reached across the table, grabbing your hands and giving them a light squeeze. “You’re thinking too hard about all this. Just go get ready, I’ll watch them while you do, and then I’ll help you get them ready so we can go up there. Everything is gonna be fine. I wouldn’t do this if I didn’t think it would be okay.” He brought your knuckles up to his lips, pressing kisses along each of them before lowering them back down to the table.
“Felix is gonna find out…” You muttered, drumming your fingers on the table nervously. “I’m trying to protect your friendship. If he knew…” You trailed off. He didn’t care, he didn’t care about anything other than you and the kids. It was exactly what you wanted in a partner, and it was still shocking sometimes to see just how much he stepped up to fill that spot. “What if they get mad?”
He shook his head, getting out of his chair to stand beside you, slipping his finger under your chin and tilting your head up to look at him. “They won’t… And even if they do, you and the kids are worth more than being a star. This…” He looked around the house, the floor littered with toys, stains on the carpet from spilled bottles, scribbled out drawings that hung on the fridge like the most priceless paintings… “This is what matters, this is what I want.”
You blinked a few times, your vision blurring with unshed tears as you looked up at the man that you absolutely loved with your entire heart. “You’re amazing… you know that right? God, I love you.” He chuckled softly, leaning forward to press his lips to yours, his thumb gripping your chin lightly to keep you from pulling away too soon.
By the time your lips disconnected, you were breathless and slightly dizzy, not even wanting to open your eyes, but his voice brought you back down from cloud nine. “Go get ready, baby. I’ll watch the kids while you do.”
//
There was something big going on in the industry, so big in fact, that the heads of the companies themselves were said to have been talking about it. It was nothing solid though, at least, not that Felix or the rest of the guys have heard. In the grand scheme of things, when it comes to big news, groundbreaking information… the idols don’t hear much until it’s either about to come out, or when it’s already been released.
This case was no different, other than the fact that the people who did know were much more tight lipped about whatever it was that they knew. That didn’t stop tiny bits of information from coming through the cracks, making their way into Felixs ears in passing. A company war, was all Felix had heard though, and sadly, those words gave him more questions than answers.
At first, Felix thought it would be another Kingdom situation, but that didn’t make any sense to him after giving it a bit more thought. They hadn’t been told about something like that, and usually all the companies involved would be promoting it. None of that was going on, and whenever he caught wind of this apparent war between the companies, it seemed more serious than a tv show.
“BigHit Ent. Yeonjun finally reveals secret life… And it is Adorable!” It hadn’t been top news, but it was close enough that Felix didn’t have to scroll too far down his home page to see the headline. The picture that went along with the story was just a promotional photo of Yeonjun, so Felix was intrigued, wondering what it was that his friend was upto that he finally “revealed”. Felix could only assume that it was another pet, probably something like a Guinea pig or something, so he clicked the link, letting out a yawn as it loaded in.
The internet seemed to be going brutally slow, almost like it was done on purpose, but once the page had loaded in, Felix cursed himself for not taking time to mentally prepare for what it was that he saw. A screenshot image of the blurred out man from your vlogs had an arrow pointing directly to a selfie of Yeonjun, as if saying that he was the guy in your vlogs that Felix had been working so hard to identify.
That was impossible though… He and Yeonjun were close friends, and he was sure that Yeonjun would tell him something like that if it were the case, not exactly that he was dating you and parenting his children… But he would have at least heard something along the lines of him being in a relationship and being a father type figure… Right? It must have been clickbait, it had to be clickbait.
So he scrolled down, his heart already frozen in his chest before seeing anything. He didn’t know what he’d do if it wasn’t clickbait… Was there even anything that he could do? Taking a deep breath, he pushed play on the video that seemed to take forever to buffer. Of course, an ad came first, giving him time to breathe a bit more before the video actually started. It also gave him time to think more, panic more. Would it be an actual statement or just some video that looks like a fan edit?
When the ad ended, it was a black screen, and then it faded into Yeonjun, sitting in the room that he and the other guys usually did live streams in. Was he going to actually admit it? Was he going to say it himself? The managers actually agreed to this? “I’m sure everyone has seen the statement issued from the company, but I just wanted to come on here and say it myself.” He said, and Felix tried to remember if he had ever seen a statement at any point from BigHit. He was sure he hadn’t read anything, he would have texted him or called him if he had.
Yeonjun talked for a good bit, and Felix was barely even listening, still trying to rake his brain for any memory of a statement or any paparazzi pictures of you and Yeonjun together. There had been nothing. The two of you were either really good at hiding it, or the image at the top pointing to the blurred man in your vlogs was in fact clickbait and Yeonjun was with someone completely different. Felix would feel a lot better if that were the case. But then his eyes focused back on his screen when he saw movement just above the desk, as if someone was walking over.
“I guess he wanted to introduce himself first…” Yeonjun chuckled as he lifted the freckled tot onto his lap, gently grabbing his wrist and making him wave at the camera. There was no denying it, and even if he were to still attempt to say that wasn’t his son, you soon came into view as well, holding your daughter who looked identical to the boy, a spitting image of Felix himself, but the longer he looked, the more your features came into focus. The twins were a beautiful mixture of the both of you… breathing, living proof that at one point in time, the two of you loved each other.
You looked happy, and while that should make Felix happy, it did quite the opposite. How could Yeonjun, how could you do something like this to him? You knew that he and Yeonjun were close, you had been backstage for many shows and seen the interactions between the two of them. How was he supposed to continue being friends with the guy when he knew that Yeonjun was not only with you, but being a father to Felixs kids that he hadn’t even been able to meet.
“I’m so happy that the company allowed me to introduce them and show you this part of my life. These three are the most amazing people, and I’m honored that Y/N allowed me into her life. Now that everyone knows, it’ll make it so much easier for Y/N to post her vlogs, and you all can see what the four of us get up to in our daily lives.” Yeonjun explained, and Felix couldn’t handle it anymore. He couldn’t continue listening to his so-called friend talk about how he loved living out the life that should be Felixs.
He swiped off of the tab, his teeth gritted together as he stared at the ceiling. It felt like an attack, one so vicious that he couldn’t fully stomach the fact that it was coming from you. It was the breaking point though. He had gone long enough sitting back and trying to live vicariously through your vlogs, trying to put himself in the place of the blurred man in your videos. He was going to see you… But he had one thing to handle first.
///
“Tell the guys that me and the babies said hi.” You said from the couch, your head turned to look over your shoulder at Yeonjun as he stood behind you, his eyes bright and his smile wide as he looked between you and the children that he had come to call his own.
The two of you felt much more at ease now considering the fact that an entire week had gone by and nothing had happened, at least nothing that Yeonjun and yourself had truly been worried about. The fans were far more supportive than you both, and the company, thought they would be, and while there were a handful of weirdos that were now photoshopping their faces onto yours in your new vlogs, there were no actual threats. The biggest worry had been Felix though, and there’s been no word from him at all, so the two of you were just hoping that he either didn’t see it, or that it had been long enough since he had walked out that he realized it would be ridiculous for him to pretend to give a damn about what was going on now.
“I always do, babe.” Yeonjun murmured, leaning in to press a kiss to your lips, the small peck gradually growing deeper and more passionate as his hands moved from gripping the back of the couch to cupping your face and keeping you close to him. “I’ll be home before dinner. Don’t miss me too much.” He winked at you, causing you to roll your eyes before he stepped around the couch to crouch down on the floor, pressing kisses to the top of the twins heads. “Be good for momma, I’ll bring you home candy if you are.”
“Junie… No candy…” You whined, pushing yourself up off the couch to follow him to the door, grabbing his bag for practice and handing it to him with a pout. “They hate having their teeth brushed, and the more candy you give them, the higher their chances for cavities and I don’t want them to have to go through all that.” You explained, and Yeonjun sighed softly, leaning his forehead against yours, and through that you could feel him vibrating with silent laughter.
“Fine… No candy…” He relented, his hands gripping your hips. “I’ll get ice cream on the way home and I’ll brush their teeth before bed.” He squeezed your hips, turning your protest into a quiet squeal and he took the opportunity to quickly back out the front door.
As Yeonjun made his way down the hall to the practice room, he saw the other four guys standing awkwardly against the wall, their eyes trained on him as if they were expecting him, but there wasn’t a good feeling that came along with their looks, not at all. “What’s up?” Yeonjun asked, glancing around at all of them, their lips tightly drawn together as they all looked at the practice room door that was left cracked open, but not enough to see inside. “You’re not gonna tell me?” Yeonjun quizzed, and the guys all kept their mouths shut and their heads low as he finally walked by them with a shake of his head into the practice room.
“You know, I’m not one to fight.” The voice that was so obviously familiar came from the far corner of the room and Yeonjun quickly turned in that direction to see Felix standing against the wall, his arms crossed but his eyes boring into Yeonjun like lasers. “And I don’t really want to fight now… I just want to know why. Why her? Why my family?” Yeonjun knew this conversation was coming, he knew that he’d have to have this talk with Felix at some point… He just didn’t think it would be happening now.
“Felix…” Yeonjun whispered, trying to keep things calm, which was especially hard to do considering the daggers that Felix was giving him from across the room. “It’s not easy to explain… And I really don’t think either of us have the time for this kind of talk. Maybe we should wait a little bit to talk about this, when you’ve calmed down a bit.”
Felixs eyes widened and he took a small step forward. “I’m calm… I’m super calm. And I’ve got all the time in the world right now to hear your explanation. So just humor me… Lie to me… Tell me something because I need to know why the hell you thought I’d be okay with this.” There was no security team around, there was no one but those two in the room right now. No one thought things would get violent, and Yeonjun was hoping for the same… But it seemed like Felix wasn’t going to let things go, not right now.
“I never thought you’d be okay with it because honestly I didn’t think that you’d care.” Yeonjun spoke truthfully, running his hand through his hair. “I never intended on dating her out of respect for you… But when I heard about the way you left, the things that you said… I decided that I shouldn’t care about the emotions of someone who clearly never cared in the first place. I did what made me happy, and it makes her and the kids happy too.”
“You don’t know my emotions… You don’t know how I felt… How I’m feeling now.” Felix stammered, and Yeonjun sighed loudly as he rolled his eyes. “You saw us at the shows, you saw how much I love her, you know I do. I was stressed from a tour when that happened, I was jet lagged and I was exhausted when she told me. I didn’t mean anything that I said that day, and I relive it constantly… So don’t tell me that I didn’t care… I don’t want to hear that shit.” Felixs voice gradually grew louder as he spoke, and Yeonjun was quickly realizing that this was a bad idea, that he should have gotten someone to come in here with him as soon as he saw that it was Felix standing in the room waiting for him.
“You’ve been silent for two years. Don’t tell me that you regret saying those things now that you find out that someone else is in her life and fathering the children that you said you’d rather have had aborted.” Felix winced when his words were thrown back at him, but Yeonjun wouldn’t stop, not there. “You prioritized your career, and I’m not going to belittle you for that because that’s what most people in our position would do… But don’t come in here yelling at me and trying to pick a fight because I decided to prioritize the family that you kicked to the curb. I didn’t care about what could have happened when I came out about it because my family comes before this job.”
Felixs head lowered, shame evident in his body language. “I’m sorry…” He muttered, his cheeks hollowed as he sucked them in, trying to hold in his sniffles. “You care a lot… And they deserve that… And I can see that you’re… happy… Being with them.” It was hard for him to say these things, to speak the truth that he didn’t even want to believe in himself. “I still want to meet them though… the kids… I want to see them… If that’s okay…” He couldn’t bring his voice above a whisper, and Yeonjun slowly walked over to Felix and wrapped an arm around his shoulder to try to comfort him, because even though the situation in itself was awkward… He still sympathized with his friend, he still wanted to be there for him.
“And no one will stop you from seeing them. I know they’re yours, and Y/N knows that you have the right to see them as well. She just didn’t want to bother you while you were working, and she wasn’t going to take you to court. We talked about it a lot and we came to the conclusion that you’d either come around and ask to see them, or you’d just move on and pretend that it never happened. I’ll ask her which day is good and I’ll let you know, okay? She’s got a doctors appointment coming up though, so maybe next week would be better.” Yeonjun explained, trying to remember the schedule for this week off the top of his head, but Felix tilted his head to the side, concern filling his eyes as he looked up at Yeonjun, who simply laughed at his reaction. “She’s fine, don’t worry. I didn’t want to tell anyone… She didn’t want anyone to know yet… But we’re expecting…”
“Expecting what?” Felix quizzed, backing out from under Yeonjuns arm, his eyes narrowed now and his eyebrows furrowing. “Is she sick or something?” He pressed, and Yeonjun was momentarily confused before shaking his head, the smile on his face sign enough that whatever was going on wasn’t awful, at least not in the morbid sense.
“She’s pregnant…” Yeonjun stated, and he watched Felix go through many emotions in such a short amount of time, like rolling a dice, and instead of landing on the side where Felix would congratulate Yeonjun on the news, he was angry. “Felix!” Yeonjun called out the name when the boy stormed past him, throwing open the practice room door.
“Screw this! You get my kids and a kid of your own! And you’re gonna stand here and act like you actually care about the way I’m feeling! You’ve taken everything away from me!” Felix shouted, and the guys in the hall all stood just outside the door to watch, their jaws slack and their eyes wide as they listened.
“I didn’t take shit from you!” Yeonjun shouted back, throwing his hands in the air, in complete disbelief at the sudden turn. “You didn’t want this life, you turned your back on it, so don’t get pissed when someone else gladly steps in and lives it for you!”
Felix scoffed, his hand balled into a fist against the door that he was holding open. “You’ll never have what we had… I’ll always be the father of her first children… And I’m back… And I’m not turning my back on it anymore. I’m ready to live that life… So you better be ready for me to be there all the time.”
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I have a lot of thoughts about the Watcher move and I get why they did it. I've kind of half-suspected something like this would happen, because I don't think their current business model is growing enough to make it profitable for them to keep the staff they have, not with the kind of videos they put out and they've been clear that they want this to be their livelihood and a genuine production studio.
But the big production videos like this just cannot survive on YouTube, unless you're like Mr. Beast or a very few other creators. And the reason big production companies like Mythical or Smosh can survive on YouTube is because they're putting out videos EVERY DAY pretty much, they keep the average costs down.
And even Mythical has talked about how their views have plateaued, Rhett and Link have talked repeatedly about how they're constantly trying new things and can't really pursue them if they're not a massive hit because they're beholden to only having resources for things that won't lose them money. It took them twenty years to get to a place where they could finally say, "Fuck it, we're doing what we want, because we're secure enough to take the hit, if it comes to that."
Watcher in contrast is making more high level production shows, a lot of research into a single episode (rather than something that can be used for multiple episodes), expensive location shoots, etc. And so I think they looked to Dropout as a business model that might work for them.
But the thing is that I'm not sure they have a strong enough roster to pull it off. Puppet History and Ghost Files are both hits, but I'm not sure any shows that aren't centered on Ryan and Shane have ever really taken off? Maybe Worth It or Dish Granted?
Meanwhile, Dropout has the whole D20 lineup and Game Changer is a huge hit (also possibly Make Some Noise?)(I'm judging by how many shows I see cross my dash, which may not be the best metric, tbf) but they have a huge cast to work with and their model relies heavily on how much of the D20 stuff they put out in volume.
So, I get why Watcher did this, in some ways, I kind of agree that it might have been the only move for them if they wanted to do this long-term. And I think it's important to them that, the whole reason they left Buzzfeed was because they wanted to do their own stuff, their own passion projects, rather than just what Buzzfeed deemed a viral hit. And their YouTube shows do mean being beholden to advertisers and only focusing on what will be as big a hit as possible, which is exactly what they wanted to get away from.
I'm just not sure it'll work because they can't put out enough content that enough people would want to pay for.
I kinda wish they'd gone the Mythical route instead, where they put up the behind the scenes stuff and special series on their own site and had tiers of membership for people who wanted to access them, while keeping the main shows on YouTube. (But I guess that's basically what they were doing with the Patreon exclusive videos and it must not have been a big enough draw to keep going the way they did.)
I think they probably felt like this was the only route forward for them long-term, that it was either this or they would have to dissolve the company, but I'm just not sure I believe that it can work. I love the shows, but I'm not getting a subscription service for a roster of shows where I watch like three of the shows.
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Math Tips
(Pictures are not mine)
Well, let me tell you, we all have this love-hate relationship with this subject, right? The worst part is that when you don't know what the heck is going on, so, as a girl who studied maths (2 Volumes/textbooks) on her own during the year she was homeschooled, here are some tips and tricks that I did to get an A+ in my math finals!
Get your syllabus together
In the beginning I had no damn idea what was going on and it was just confusing. I had to do the first thing I did was taken my index/table of contents and mark the chapters which i knew very well and the ones I had no clue about. And then i arranged them with the marking scheme, like which one carries the most marks etc etc and study accordingly.
Complete lessons/chapters that you already know
When you finish off the things you already know then that's gonna give you the confidence you need even if you know only 1-2 chapters, learn it throughout and make sure that you'll get the answer no matter how twisted the sum is. If you're doubtful about the whole textbook like any normal person.... Start with the easy ones. (I know there are literally really no "easy" chapters, spare me)
Harder chapters need hard work
Most chapters like Trigonometry proofs, Geometry proofs, Algebra, Graphs, Mensuration and Calculus etc need more than minimum effort but here's a trick, what is the common thing in this? Yes, they're all formulae and theorem based which goes to my next point. These chapters are completely based on how much you've understood your basics.
Formulae and theorem cheatsheets
Make a list of all formulae and the theorem used in the book, write them chapter wise and no printouts or digital notes. Take a paper and write it down, no excuses. It helps you while you're practicing, revising and in the last minute review, it helped me damn much. Remember, maths is a sport. The basic formulae must come to you like reflexes.
YouTube is your best friend.
For every single chapter, go and watch the basics and how a sum is done step by step. A recommendation for this is Organic Chemistry Tutor who literally is one of the reasons i passed. He has videos from basic geometry, trigonometry, statistics to calculus. Search for your own YouTubers and be clear with concepts.
Math is fully memorization
Memorize formulae and theorems with the back of your hand, you should be able to recall them within seconds. Be thorough.
Memorize basic math values (if calculator isn't allowed)
Do this if you have a majority of chapters like Statistics, Mensuration, Profit/loss calculation etc, where large numbers are concerned. Memorize the first 10 square, cube, decimal and multiplication values. It may be dry but there are literally songs available for these things, I'm serious, i learnt the first 10 cube roots by listening to Senorita xD Search for rhymes and they'll definitely be many!!
Work it out!!!!!!
Can't stress this enough, atleast 30-40 mins is the minimum for maths. I'm serious, work out each sum, don't ever think it's a waste, you'll see the results. Practice makes perfect. Work out every single sum, from examples to exercise ones cause let's be honest, our examiners love to take problems from every nook and cranny of the book.
Whiteboard method
So, I made this up and it actually works, if you have a whiteboard or anything else, once you completed a chapter, take a random page and whatever sums you have on those two pages, you need to complete within a given time limit. It helps you to identify your weak points and where the hell you're losing both time and effort and not to mention that it gives you confidence boost up.
Hope this helps :))
#mathematics#mathblr#math#maths posting#math problem#mathskills#maths#math student#school#studyblr#exam season#exams#high school#study notes#study motivation#study blog#studyspo#study aesthetic#study with me#studying#student#study rant#study techniques#study tips#studying tips#studyblr community#study plan#trigonometry#calculus#bella_studies
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You’ve Got my Body, Flesh, and Bone Part One
Summary: You didn’t think you would let it go this far, but alcohol always gives you the bite to challenge Colby until you’re both faced with the things that keep you from being together.
Warnings: Colby x Reader smut, Angst, Slow Burn, Dom/Sub dynamic, Best Friends to Lovers, slight Predator/Prey kink, Overstimulation, Bondage, Overstimulation, slight Subspace
Words: 23.4k
No Y/N Used
Title is from ‘The Summoning’ by Sleep Token
Part Two
Don’t get me wrong, I loved my friends to death and back and then some, but they could be real fucking idiots sometimes.
Most of the time.
Perhaps I simply had a more conservative outlook on the dating culture in LA, or maybe I was traumatized enough where my hopeless romantic naive middle school girl heart turned into an all or nothing brittle young adult woman heart. Nothing was wrong with that, I didn’t think, until I moved to LA to live closer to my new friends.
I met them after my YouTube and Instagram exploded, which I know I said I would never do, but they truly were the most amazing people I met.
My friendship with Sam and Colby didn’t end after they invited me and one of my friends to film a video with them. I knew who they were; we interacted on social media plenty of times but never communicated privately. I also was keen on truly finding out more about the spiritual realm, so when I followed them into that haunted mansion, there was no room for bullshit.
I guess they respected that because not even 24 hours later, Colby was asking for my number.
Maybe I was an idiot and gave it to him.
I genuinely thought it was purely so we could have an easier time than clogged dm’s to collaborate again. And it was. We strictly talked about spirituality and paranormal activity for six months. I always asked about their investigations and he always enthusiastically responded.
I enjoyed it. I really enjoyed it.
The messages developed into something else, something with seemingly less purpose, in the autumn. I remember it being mid October when Colby sent a photo of himself. It looked like any other Snapchat or Instagram story he would post, but then I looked on his social media and realized that this photo was taken just for me.
Which was fine; I didn’t think twice about it. In fact, I felt excited because he trusted me enough to ask about the new merch sample they received. Of course it looked good and there were now flaws to pick out. I picked out a couple to make sure he stayed humble. Of course they were lies.
I learned a month before that they had private socials for their friends only. And, oh. The amount of tomfoolery that went on behind that firewall was better than the latest show I binged. For one, I didn’t realize that Colby saw a different girl basically every night. At least I think they were different girls.
At heart, I’m 100 percent a girl’s girl and I will always see the value in every girl but goddamn; I didn’t realize how easy it was to make yourself look exactly like someone else. I mean, down to the exact shade of brunette hair, body type, and sometimes eye color? It felt like I was the delusional one and tripping out on his new girlfriend. That wasn’t what it was though. A different girl was tagged everytime.
The boys weren’t unfamiliar with posting edgier photos whether it be in the middle of an abandoned place that could crumble and kill them before they thought to react, or it be them posing with minimal clothing or some kind of flirtatious caption in the description. Those weren’t bad things, but they were new to me, and honestly, it kind of melted down the anxiety I built in my head about posting new photos on Instagram. Suddenly it didn’t feel like I had to be perfect and get the perfect shot anymore; a lot of it was shock factor.
Which the boys did exceptionally well.
My friends bulldozed their way through the beginning of 2024. It was entertaining, to say the least, but when I saw photos of their New Year’s party, I was taken back by how minimal they turned out. I came across four photos. A girl kissed Sam at midnight, Colby’s arm was around a girl’s waist, the two of them with probably nine other people in a cute group shot, and the last one was them outside the club the party was at—darkened city streets and palm trees that glistened with New Year’s sparkles and confetti were behind them—and I loved those photos. All of them.
But they weren’t the full picture. Definitely not the full picture.
I vividly remember turning the corner with friends into one of the secluded cut outs of lounge space. My best friend and I tried to find more friends and, well, we found them. Firstly, I would admit that the music was so loud I felt the bass in my bones, so maybe that had something to play. I also was in the double digits of how many combined drinks and shots I had, so there was that as well.
But when we turned the corner, I remember the same girl who kissed Sam at midnight was on his lap kissing him again, only this time she fully grinded on him and he didn’t even raise a hand to stop.
Which, okay, to be fair, whatever I don’t care. What caught me off guard was the complete lack of care from everyone else as well. I’m not sure if I have the confidence to practically have sex in a semi-public space with all my friends around me, but whatever.
What bothered me more, somehow, was the way Colby’s hands wouldn’t leave that girl’s skin—the same one he kissed at midnight—and I didn’t know why. Maybe I did, but it was more of a complete annoyance than anything. Maybe some disapproval as well.
He was with someone different just the night before—it was on his Instagram story—and he hooked up with the same girl multiple times during the trip we all took during Christmas. At least he was with her for an entire week rather than one day.
It wasn’t my business though, so naturally, I didn’t give a fuck nor did I say a word. It was so easy to behave like it didn’t affect me in any way or leave a bad taste in my mouth, because it didn’t.
”Hey!” I instantly broke into a smile when Tara met us halfway from the couches and drinks and friends and confetti and the making out— “Where have you guys been?”
”We had drinks and kind of got lost dancing with people,” I laughed. It was the truth and considering the flush in our cheeks and the more unkempt pieces of hair down our backs, Tara didn’t question it. Her hand linked with mine and she dragged us to the left side of the room; black leather couches lined in a semicircle.
And that was when the night truly began.
It also finished there when one of us passed out; I don’t remember who but I swear it wasn’t me.
My night finished when I emptied my guts on the street outside. I think Tara’s hands were in my hair and Colby’s voice was quiet and close to me. I’m pretty sure the sun was rising when we stepped foot in that Uber.
So that was as far as my friendship with Sam and Colby had gone. They were fantastic at their jobs, cared deeply about their work, and cared even more about the supernatural and what’s beyond, and they partied hard.
It was true. I scanned over the last few messages between us. I didn’t mean to leave Colby on read. Something sprouted in me from that moment. I couldn’t fully comprehend what it was. Maybe it was the abrasiveness of the photo, or maybe it was because I didn’t anticipate Colby ever crossing that imaginary boundary. This photo didn’t just cross it, he shot a hundred yards past and then some.
That look in his eyes—the subtle desperation in his text—something, somewhere, did it for me.
It was completely unsolicited as well. Well, unwarranted at least. Once I saw the photo it was solicited in every way imaginable. I didn’t understand where those intense feelings came from. It was intangible.
My stomach soured inside of me. It had me spiraling. Every look, every touch; Colby hardcore gave himself away. It wasn’t that I couldn’t handle it. It wasn’t that I didn’t want it, no, not even that.
It was the fact that I loved it.
That caught me off guard. That nearly scared me.
It was no secret that a while ago, before we even interacted on social media, Colby drunkenly uncovered some too-personal details on the internet. And of course the internet ran wild with them. It kind of became part of his persona which he bravely embraced—which I admired because if I were in his situation, I would coil up and die—and it surpassed the internet’s perception of him as well.
But the underlying tone of his photo, of his text, completely betrayed that persona I was familiar with.
So I waited.
And waited.
I didn’t mean to leave him on read before the photo, but after he sent it, I left him on read with purpose in order to see what came of it. If he was willing to send that one desperate photo after an accidental ignoring, what would he do if it was deliberate?
It wasn’t very dominant of him to lace his photos and matching words with yearning like that.
I groaned as I rolled over in my chilling duvet. My arms stretched above me and my vision darkened. Damn right it was 6am, and I innocently woke up and couldn’t go back to sleep so I checked my phone. It still lodged in my stretched hand.
It buzzed again.
Unfortunately, he and I both knew that he was right.
I rolled out of bed and my legs tangled in the slick white sheets.
I haphazardly made my way into my en suite and flicked on the light. The eye bags were out to say hello this morning, which checked out. I was nearly 27; why the hell did I allow a grown man to get me out of bed to go outside before my body willed.
”Jesus Christ,” I gasped at his behavior. So, naturally, I snapped a photo of myself in the mirror.
‘Better?’ I typed and hit send with trembling hands.
He didn’t respond.
My heart pounded.
Perhaps I shouldn’t have sent that.
If he spits out his own medicine then he shouldn’t have offered it to me.
With shaking hands, I got myself ready as requested.
It hadn’t always been like this even though it felt so.
Our relationship evolved and with every text, it dramatically developed into something more than a professional one. Like a friendship, at the very least, and now here I was finding myself lacing my shoes for this man before seven am to go to some… place.
Eight days ago we came back from a long trip of filming content for their channel.
Five days ago Sam asked us to go pick up shit for this party that was forgotten in transit or something. It was the first time we were alone together, and while the task was simple and mundane, it was fun.
Fun enough for me to say yes to him all the time apparently, because four days ago, Colby asked me to come to a photo shoot for their next merch launch.
Three days ago, Sam, Colby and I went out with Tara, Jake and Johnnie and took photos afterward.
Two days ago we partied hard with the gang again.
And yesterday, well, yesterday I went to Sam and Colby’s house for no reason.
We had breakfast, relaxed for once, and did nothing.
Nothing was so entirely great.
Now when I left my apartment that morning, he was already there waiting for me. We didn’t live close enough to walk, but maybe two exits at most from each other.
“Wow you look so happy to see the sun,” Colby remarked. My squinted eyes glared back at him. I forgot to change my hair from its bed head state in any way. A piece of it dangled in front of my eye bags. He only laughed back at me.
“I’m here. I didn’t say I would be happy about it.”
”Don’t worry, you will be soon.” I didn’t respond because I didn’t want to get too snappy. I knew I was joking, but the lack of caffeine and over abundance of morning light did not fare well in me.
”Here is this,” he said before he even gave me a thick enough pause to reply. I looked over and he pulled an energy drink from behind my chair. It was cold. “Palatable offering, I hope.”
”It is,” I laughed and snapped it open.
For an early morning, it was fairly a quick drive on the freeway to this mystery location.
”We’re flying to Australia soon.”
”Oh really?” I gasped and looked over at him. The sun brightened this side of his face. ”Damn.”
”Yeah, we’ve put it off for so long and it’s finally happening. We’re so excited.”
”I bet. Wait, when are you leaving?”
”Six days.”
”That is really soon.” His eyes widened with a sigh.
”Yeah.”
”What, unprepared?”
”As much as we should be prepared already considering how long we’ve wanted to go, yes. Very much so unprepared. We’ve been running around like crazy trying to get things in order at any time we can.”
”So this morning?” He shook his head. I hadn’t looked away from him for a second as we spoke. He kept his eyes on the road.
”How dare I take a tiny break for myself.”
”Naturally you invite me then?”
”I suppose.” By the quiet tone of his voice, I didn’t push. I didn’t prod or step across a line.
I don’t think I even stepped on it. I ran away from it.
”DId Tara mention that we’re going to New York and staying there until Tana and Brooke get there while on tour?”
”Oh shit, no she didn’t. Wait, she did go on their podcast recently.”
”Yeah. Two weeks ago she did. I went with her and we talked for so long. We literally canceled our next plans and decided that we would catch up again in New York when they got there. I think they have a good five days off or something to stay there a week.”
”Oh sweet, when are you leaving?”
”March second.”
”Oh shit, that’s the day we get back from Australia.”
”Oh really?”
There was silence.
“And when do you get back?”
”The plan is to be back by March 12th but we’ll see if that happens.” For the first time since he gave me the drink, he stole a glance from me.
”You’ll see?”
”Tara was talking about going to uh—God I forgot, a specific place, though, for spring break with some other girls too. I think we may be back to re-pack and then head there.”
”Oh okay, okay.” My stomach swarmed with butterflies. I couldn’t pinpoint why. I was overly excited for our trips; it had been a while since I went anywhere for a break and to spend time with myself and the girls, and myself and the girls only.
We parked.
It was a bit farther than I anticipated, but there were less people and mainly lone hikers who risked more of a challenge in the early morning. I didn’t mind. I was simply here for the ride and grateful that I could keep up with Colby.
”Sam and I came here a while ago because we saw it and were curious. It’s a really nice place for photos and to walk in silence.”
”Oh silence. I love that.”
”Yeah,” he laughed. “I know.”
So we walked in silence.
The hills rolled and seemed to touch the skies in some places. Even in the winter chill, the sun warmed my face and within ten minutes both of our hoodies came off. Dust emitted from the ground but stayed. It was dry as hell and not as windy as usual so we were covered in it.
“This way,” he said and we veered to the left up a steeper route of white rock. Thistles of cacti and various plants I was afraid to touch nipped at our ankles as we calculated our steps on the small jut outs lodged in the hill.
Then, near the top and to the right, Colby reached a eight to twelve foot—I wasn’t quite sure—plateau. It wasn’t a long drop to our ground, per say, but the sun’s light was cut from where I stood. I basked in the shade as Colby climbed up with his long ass nimble legs.
”Here,” he said and his hand reached to mine. I climbed the first few feet of rocks before taking his hand.
Maybe I should not have been as enthusiastic to hold his rough dirty hand if even for a few split moments.
Once on top, there was another few yards of elevation until we reached the peak that I supposed he and Sam found before. They weren’t wrong. This portion of the hill was fairly tall compared to the rest, and while we stood in the dusty rocks of the peak, the other side was a grassy downslope that fell straight towards the valley from which we came. Morning light streaked across the city in pinks and oranges while the tips of buildings and hills on the other side of the city reflected mature midday sun.
Maybe getting out of bed this morning wasn’t all that bad.
“Oh my god, you were right. This is a fantastic place.”
”See?” He replied happily. “And there’s really no one who comes out this far.”
”I know. Maybe we should come back for photos since you left me out the first time.”
”Well when we do come back for photos, you will have been here the same amount we have so it’s like we didn’t leave you out.”
”What are you talking about? You’re here now.”
”Well… It’s fine. We’ll still come back.”
More silence.
I sat down first. Colby sat next to me and leaned back on his hands.
“Right that way,” Colby started as he pointed quite to the right of us; east. “Sam and I filmed this one video. I don’t think we can see the plateau very well from here, but it was the one where this guy in a cloak threw a cross over us and into the valley.”
”Oh shit, wait,” I gasped. “I remember that.”
”Yeah,” he scoffed. “Sometimes I think about all the weird stuff that happens at night only for the morning to feel so peaceful.”
“It’s almost as if your mind plays tricks on you.” He gave me a look.
”Wow, I guess Sam and I and also the camera hallucinated that damn cross.”
”Oh my god,” I laughed. “No but, he threw that thing damn far.”
”I know! It was even crazier in person because it wasn’t light when we picked it up.” I looked back to the valley. The white rocks descended into purples and blues where a few highways entered and exited.
”Do you think he’s the reason you got all scratched up?”
”Oh god, I have no idea.”
”Or do you think whatever it is just stays here?” Colby shrugged but kept his gaze across the sea of hills. I could tell; he tried to identify the property they were on but couldn’t.
”I don’t know. If it does, it sure isn’t in charge of the morning, is it?”
”No.” My voice was quiet.
My heart pounded.
When would it get a rest?
I opened my mouth before I thought about it.
”Why didn’t you bring Sam?” My seriousness was probably enough to tell him that I meant bringing him in this moment instead. He shook his head before he spoke.
”I didn’t—It’s not that I didn’t bring him. I just wanted you to come.”
”Oh. I see.”
“You said yes,” he laughed.
”Maybe I just like doing nothing with you. All we do it work and run around like crazy all the time.”
”That’s true.”
Another pause.
”This weekend was really nice though,” I admitted. He looked at me. I didn’t look back.
”It was, I think.”
”Because yeah we probably got too fucked up on Friday and Saturday nights, but just relaxing and not doing anything with you guys is actually nice.”
”You say that as if you expected it to be awful.” I smiled and shot him a look.
“No I don’t. I just mean that it’s nice to see you—all of you—not stressed until you want to drink yourself to death.” Colby sighed.
”No, you’re right.”
”I know I’m right.”
”Yeah, and humble.”
“Shut up,” I laughed and shoved his arm slightly. It gave out and he caught himself.
When we straightened ourselves and leaned back like we were, his hand accidentally landed close to mine. It didn’t touch me, but I felt the warmth between us.
This silence was still. Brutally, peacefully, still.
My tongue clamped to the roof of my mouth. I heard my heartbeat in my ears. As I tried to find something within the horizon to take interest in, the corner of my eye caught the expression on his face. He too looked forward, eyebrows pressed serious, and lips parted.
I would think he was lost in thought and had been for a while now.
As I looked at him slowly, his finger ever so slightly lifted and came over mine. I don’t think it covered but half of my finger, and I wasn’t sure if he touched it all that much. But it was there and I waited for the weight of it.
”Let’s get up. You haven’t posted on Instagram in, what? Three months? Why should we wait to take pictures later?”
”Bitch,” I gasped and sat forward. He looked at me. His eyes were still thoughtful and dark. But his mouth lifted to a smile. “I look like shit.”
”No you don’t.”
I left it at that.
A handful of photos—for both of our feeds—later, and we coasted down the hill twice as fast as we came up. My ankles were almost too weak to handle it from the photo session. I tensed my entire body to shake the thoughts away. My hands were so slick by the time it was my turn to snap photos of him that I thought I would drop his phone. I held my breath the second his shirt came up and off his body. I only really stared at the screen.
There was something about that moment that seemed too close, too serious, for me to look at him not through a screen.
It wasn’t that I hadn’t seen him half dressed before; it was basically his everyday wear. For some reason though, out by ourselves alone in the valley made it seem ten times more intimate. I’ve been alone with him in his bedroom when he hardly wore clothes, I’ve fallen asleep next to him on flights, in beds, on sofas.
It wasn’t like this. My eyes couldn’t retreat from the areas the sun reflected on his skin.
When we got in the car, suddenly it was stuffy and hot, and we tossed our clothes to the backseat before Colby turned the A/C on high.
”Jesus Christ, it’s February!” He shouted. I laughed and held onto my drink. Of course it was flat and not cold anymore but it was something for my aching throat.
I forced myself to look forward even as his hand subconsciously met the back of my chair when he began to back from the parking space. Even with the over abundance of cameras on this damn car, he still never used them.
“Aw shit,” Colby laughed as he looked at his phone.
”What?”
”Sam asked where the fuck I was.”
”Oh my god—“
”And then just asked to grab food on the way back.”
”Let’s get food then.”
I spent the rest of the day with them.
When I walked into their spare bathroom downstairs, I paused as I turned on the lights.
My hair was a mess, my tan popped against the dark sports bra that caked with dust, and in the reflection were sun dazed eyes. Then I looked to the counter and the room spun.
Half of my make up and products I used to get ready sprawled across the granite counter. I forgot that on Saturday night I got ready here before we went out, and Tara sat in the bathtub eating her dinner and entertained me while I did so. My shampoo, conditioner, and body wash were in the shower. I looked back at myself in the mirror.
My towel hung behind me.
”Come on!”
“I’m hurrying!”
”Let’s go!”
”Fucking trying, bitch!”
”You’re walking!”
The door slammed.
”Impatient animals, Jesus fuck,” Tara sighed. She turned back to me. I backed away from the mirror.
“Wait we look hot let me—“ And Tara grabbed her phone and snapped mirrors selfies with the both of us before we exited the bathroom.
”Just put your shoes on in the car or else Sam will leave us here,” I told Tara. My shoes were also in my hand.
”Right, right,” she grumbled. “Coming.” I stood at the front door and waited for her. I scowled at the raging black clouds in the sky. There was no way we would make it into the studio before the storm began. “Surprisingly my ex-boyfriend would never treat me like this,” she grumbled as she hopped past me. I scoffed a laugh.
”Yeah because he knew he’d get his ass beat.”
”I mean you’re not wrong.”
We hopped in the back seats of Sam’s car, and that was how we started the last night we all had together before over a month of separate travels.
To be fair, we were running over 30 minutes behind to get the photoshoot we should have been ultra prepared for. We planned it nearly six days ago after Sam complained about not being a part of our morning photoshoot in the hills. Tara came along because, obviously.
Bickering was the only way for us to relieve the stress of not getting into the car as soon as we needed.
”If I find another one of these in the car, I’m fucking throwing it away,” Colby spat and chunked whatever tube of makeup into the bag Sam held.
”Excuse me, that was mine—“
”Was,” Colby cut me off with a little too much emphasis.
”I’m pretty sure they stopped making those—“
”God fucking thank you then. Now I don’t have to throw one away everytime I climb back here to get shit.”
”You throw them away?” I cried. Colby glared at me from where he leaned inside the trunk of his car.
“Yeah? They would end up crawling back over here anyway.” I rolled my eyes at the muted pitch of his voice.
We stood at the back of the car for all but ten seconds while we each grabbed different things for the photoshoot and the podcast we were about to film and within those ten seconds, the angry clouds decided it was a good time to rain down on us.
As Colby slammed the back shut, I followed Tara straight for the door to the back of the studio. She already was safe under the patio cover.
The tension in the air wasn’t funny or a joke anymore.
I repeated the expression I saw on Sam’s face in my head when I whirled around and followed Tara. He wasn’t messing around anymore. He didn’t look at me and only stared at Colby waiting for his next command.
Needless to say, it never came.
Colby didn’t say another word until we were on the set.
It had been a few minutes. We caught our breaths while our hair and makeup were freshened. Tara and I gossiped between ourselves to calm down and keep ourselves occupied.
And then it was time for photos.
This morning we woke up late. We went out last night and didn’t set alarms. With two podcasts and a photoshoot scheduled, the day started off high stress. We scrambled to get ourselves to the podcast. We surprisingly were only ten minutes late.
This time, however, we somehow were not as lucky.
Between getting food, driving across the city, and changing, we didn’t get enough time in between the first podcast and the photoshoot. Of course this used up the last of Colby’s patience. He was snappy and unapproachable because it was supposed to work, and now, other people had been waiting for us and the podcast was pushed back as well.
Sam and I were wholeheartedly fine with taking the brunt of it too.
But by the time I walked on set, my own frustration pooled in my stomach. Colby’s eyes still flared angry and spiteful even as I looked at them. He blinked a few times before he looked away.
We posed and were posed by the photographers for such a long time, I was tired of pretending to smile and, honestly, I was simply tired of being perceived in such a vulnerable way. Sure, the other three were more used to it, especially Sam and Colby, but damn. I was fatigued and dizzied with alternating emotions.
Tara and I posed alone together next which was alleviating.
My brain turned off.
Then it was Sam and Colby’s turn alone.
My brain turned on when Sam gestured me over.
I wanted to coil up and rot in my bed. I was tired, Colby stressed me out, Sam was snappy with me, and Tara just wanted to sleep. We were falling apart, but when I came back to them, they were somehow brighter. They talked to and cooperated with the photographer more, and the three of us got shots that I was actually excited about.
What numbed me and gave me a second wind was the feeling of Colby’s hands on my waist, him against my side, and our backs to each other. He grabbed my arm during a pose set up and I swore my skin melted to the bone. I felt it through the rest of the day.
Then, we changed and did it all over again.
An hour later, we were leaving the studio when Colby got the call.
The last podcast was canceled.
No one talked when we piled in the car. It was pure silence, and I looked in the rear view mirror slowly. I watched Colby. He looked down at his phone and texted for a little while until he started music. Then he looked up. His eyes locked on mine.
No one spoke. Neither of us looked away. He didn’t look happy, to say the least.
”What are we going to do?” Sam sighed. The only one brave enough to speak to Colby was him obviously; he was the only one Colby wouldn’t kick out of the car. Probably.
”I don’t know,” he sighed and looked away from me and adjusted how he sat. His head hit the head rest. “I’m fucking tired and done with today.”
”Let’s just go out.”
”Again?” I gasped. The burning in my throat from last night returned.
“It’s Saturday night and I know a group’s about to get dinner before hitting a couple clubs,” Tara said as her eyes still locked on her phone. I looked back at Colby. He was already looking at me. I looked back at Tara.
”I mean, we have to be at the airport at five in the morning.”
”We’ll sleep on the plane.”
”Being hungover on a plane doesn’t seem like a fun way to fly.”
”You’re flying regardless,” Colby intervened. I looked back at him. His eyes were thinner, darker. “Let’s just go.”
”Fine.”
And that’s how we ended up drunker than we ever had.
I was hungover before I finished my umpteenth shot, Tara was on the table, and Sam found the girl he had been talking to. Of course she was a part of our group now; the group Tara texted.
The haze in Colby’s eyes calmed me down. He spoke enthusiastically and smiled more than not. Finally, it felt like we wound down to our regular selves again.
“Come on!”
“I really can’t—“
”Please! It’s our last time here for a while, let’s just have fun!”
”Tara, I can’t even walk straight without running into things. What makes you think I can dance?”
”Everyone’s so close anyway, you don’t have to hold yourself up.” Her arms yanked me out of the sofa before another protest had the time to settle. I was followed.
I didn’t know by who, but I felt the presence behind me as we made our way across the dark club. Finally, Tara led me across the threshold of the dance floor. Then she spun around and didn’t let go of my hand.
Her eyes lifted behind me. An evil smile pulled at her mouth.
”What’s wrong—“
”Nothing,” she cut me off, and pulled me from looking behind me. “Come on.”
She didn’t have to tell me twice. I felt the music reverberating through me like a vessel already. If I was going to be in pain all day tomorrow, I might as well make the most of it tonight.
It didn’t take long, but I felt a hand on my arm, a pressure on my body, and I turned around wildly. A face I couldn’t recognize, and Tara yanked me away, closer to her.
I watched her mouth but I couldn’t hear her words. I nodded and smiled in agreement anyway, and danced with her.
And again, hands found my waist, but this time more pressure in places that I definitely didn’t ask for it to be, so I gasped a breath and whipped myself around, but the hands were off of me before I got the chance to see who it was.
I looked up to Colby who shoved someone—the pressure I supposed—behind him. He looked back to the man who grabbed me. Violently, he spoke and shoved again. I didn’t understand what he said but I agreed. Wholeheartedly.
”Colby,” I gasped as if he could hear me.
With the shaking of his head, he stepped into my personal space.
”How did you know I didn’t want to dance with someone?” He scoffed.
“I don’t care if you wanted to or not, clearly you didn’t ask for that.”
”I could have taken care of it.”
”And? That was gross. I was right there.”
Right, Colby followed us to the dance floor. That’s right. I felt his eyes on me the entire time.
”Why were you watching us?”
”Because you’re drunk as hell and both of you are half the size as the majority of people here.” Why did I like the hostility on his tongue? I almost tasted the alcohol that intoxicated him.
”Yeah, that’s all it is, isn’t it?”
”What else would it be?” There it was. That flirty flick up of his eyebrow. We were the only three paused in the sea of dancing bodies.
”Just—Come on,” Tara grumbled and gripped both of our elbows. “Can’t have any fun with you when Colby’s around, can I?”
”What the fuck does that mean?”
Tara didn’t respond.
She went back to friends, but Colby grabbed me and held me back.
Again, his grip was heaven itself there in that hell hole. I spun back to him. I didn’t miss the way his eyes flickered across my full face before settling on my eyes. Drunken mistakes.
”No, tell me,” he said. Lowly.
”Tell you what?” I scoffed. He rolled his eyes.
”What else would I defend you like that for?” My gaze fell from his eyes, his nose, lips, chest, the floor.
I shook my head.
”I’m drunk as hell.”
”Yeah same,” he sighed. He took a step back. His eyes didn’t leave me though.
”Why do you look at me like that?” He shook his head. Don’t ask the things you don’t want to know about. “Stop looking at—Talk to me,” I demanded.
”You’re so—“ He gritted his teeth and his voice caught in his throat when his hands found my face and held me still. My lips parted fairly widely as shock rose my eyebrows. His eyes looked at me. With intention.
My body caught ablaze, and I didn’t like it. Not this time. This kind of wildfire was destructive; non rebuildable.
”Colby—“
He just looked at me. Even closer. I almost felt the sweetness of his mouth on mine.
”I’m more of an all or nothing kind of girl, Colby, not—not a one and done like you,” I said. My calmest words laced with a poison that furrowed his eyebrows. “I don’t do those smash and dashes like you do, so if that’s what you’re looking for, you can go back to those models you fuck every other day because that’s not the kind of body you’ll find here.”
Hurt spread across his face. His hands slowly fell from me, and for the first time, I wanted to take the words back.
“Really?” He gasped. It cut deeper; his hurt. I didn’t mean it.
Maybe I got it all wrong.
”That—Really? That’s what you have to say to me?”
”Colby,” I spat his name through teeth weakened by grit. “Don’t ruin our new friendship, I was liking it way too much.”
”I’m not ruining anything. You don’t know what I want.”
”Then you’re confusing. Too complicated for me.” I stepped away from him. He took a step towards me. “I don’t appreciate my best friends using me.”
”Good. I don’t either.”
”So what’s this?” I gesture to his hands. “Why do you touch me like that? And why does it look like you could kiss me at any moment?”
”Are you projecting or something? Because my wanting to kiss you doesn’t equate to using you.”
A laugh burst from me.
”So when you kissed all those other girls in front of me even after we texted the way we do and after you fucked them, you didn’t use them?” My head cocked to the side in defiance.
Fire blazed in his eyes.
”You’re ridiculous.”
”I am?” I shouted.
”You don’t know anything.”
”Right,” I scoffed. “Not like you’ve made advancements in helping me know something—Colby.”
He grabbed my face like he did and shoved himself back into my space. This time, I felt his front collide into mine. My hands grabbed his wrists.
I froze.
My lips parted the moment his grazed mine.
He caught me. His eyes lifted to mine with a smirk slowly pulled at his dark lips.
“So you talk your shit but you’d still kiss me back?”
”Fuck you,” I spat. He smiled evilly.
”You’d love to, wouldn’t you?” He molded his words over my bottom lip, and I opened my mouth for more.
“Mm, maybe,” I mumbled. His eyes blew wide when I bit down on his bottom lip. “But I would love it more if you didn’t fuck me over after.”
He shook his head quickly.
”I wouldn’t,” I think he gasped so quietly that only by the breath on my skin could I discern his words.
I retracted my teeth and replaced them with my lips.
That was when one of his hands traveled to my messy pulled back hair and he kissed me with such intensity that I’m sure I fell to the ground. A noise escaped my throat but I didn’t back down. I couldn’t when his hands were firm on my body like he knew it already.
So of course I kissed him back like he was mine.
He always was, wasn’t he? I licked into his mouth first, and I think it caught him off guard because a deep moan pressed against my tongue and his thumb jutted under my chin as if to hold me in place. The taste of our drinks mixed in our mouths, and I breathed him in like I needed the hit.
I think he moaned my name; all this time he took a step and then another step into me as if he aimlessly tried to find a stable surface to pin me but couldn’t. He was too drunk to remember that we were in the middle of a bustling club. I ran into someone. I didn’t care.
I took advantage of his leap of shock and my lips wrapped around his tongue. That was when his eyes opened and he slowly looked down at me in surprise when we ever so slowly retract from each other.
”Holy shit,” I thought I heard, and we must have both heard since we both looked over in the direction of our friends.
Sam stared back at us and Tara’s pouty smirk fired directly at me.
Colby took three big steps away from me. Looked at me.
”Colby,” I said but he left me and walked towards Sam.
Sam and Colby walked towards the back door of the club with a dictionary of words between them. Tara stood in front of me.
”It’s 2:30, we gotta go and get ready for our flight.”
”But—But Colby—“
”I know, but we gotta go. Sam was going to be sick.”
I took her hand as she took mine and her friend dropped us off at my house.
The taste of Colby’s lips was the only thing that kept the vomit in the back of my throat.
That sunrise was not kind.
I vomited while packing. I vomited while in the Uber. And again while waiting at the terminal.
At least we got through TSA without a vomit session.
I wanted those hands on me again. To numb the pain. I typically didn’t hurt this bad with a hangover.
I plopped in my seat and Tara already cuddled up into me with her neck pillow and blanket. I checked my phone.
New message from my best friend, but that was it.
I couldn't blame them—to be fair—it was still the night for them, and if Sam had to be sick while at the club, I knew he would be drunk until the late morning and hungover by sundown. Colby on the other hand was drunk, but I couldn’t tell if he was drunk enough to be hungover. I couldn’t read him at all tonight—last night. I understood his mouth perfectly well though, and unfortunately I wanted to communicate more.
Or fortunately? I couldn’t decide quite yet.
I fell asleep before we took off.
When I woke up, the sun blared into the cabin like a lightning rod. I moaned and squinted my eyes, and stretched in my sleep.
”Oh good, you’re up,” Tara said. I looked over at her. Her AirPods were in, a roller was in her hair, and she watched Netflix on her laptop as she filed her nails. “I was getting bored.”
”Jesus Christ, Tara. I’m going to be sick.”
”Ha! No you’re not. Take this.” She handed me a pill and what looked to be an antibacterial wipe. “I don’t give a fuck if you gotta stick that wipe up your nose; you won’t be vomiting on this plane. That’s so embarrassing.”
”Tara,” I moaned and sat up more. The nausea sickened me. I dry swallowed the pill. The alcohol from the wipe did, in fact, aid my hangover bile. ”What time is it?”
”Ten. We’ve been on the flight for like four hours.” I sighed and sat upright in my seat with my eyes clamped shut. My thoughts battled to ward off the nausea. “So, Sam and I walked in on you making out with Colby last night.”
”Oh my god, don’t remind me.”
“What the fuck was that about, huh?”
”God, I have no idea”
”And you didn’t even do anything after as well.” I shot her a glare.
“The fuck you mean ‘do anything?’ Obviously we weren’t going to fuck if that’s what you’re saying.” I rolled my head away from her and leaned it on my hand. It needed physical support too not just emotional.
“What are you talking about?” She laughed. “The tension has been making me sick. I thought you guys were finally going to get it over with.”
That annihilated my ability to ward off nausea.
”I’m going to throw up.”
”Fucking don’t, bitch,” she threatened me with her nail file. “We have to get our nails done in New York because I feel like a dirty girl when we’re going to nice clubs or whatever.”
”We can get them done.” The thought of a nail salon scent quenched the nausea.
”Anyway, about Colby—“
”I do not want to hear that name right now.”
Tara looked at me with concern. A frightening silent concern. The concern was only heavily serious when Tara was quiet.
”He didn’t look happy after he kissed you. What happened?” And how could I lie to that hushed worrisome voice.
”I told him that—oh god what did I say?” I tried to remember as I rubbed my eyes. Thank god Tara convinced me to take off—and also partially helped me—take off my makeup last night. “I said something like I’m not into hooking up like he is—Oh, I’m not a one and done kind of girl. I told him I wanted all of him or nothing.”
”Shit,” Tara gasped. “That’s kind of a lot, isn’t it?”
”I mean he tried to kiss me, Tara! Before we even talked about it.”
”Okay? What’s the problem with that?”
”I really enjoyed our friendship,” I sighed. “I don’t want it bursting into flames. Hanging out with them and working with them is amazing, and once it does inevitably fuck up after we actually date, then I can’t lose them.”
”I know it doesn’t work for everyone, but you could still be friends with them.” I sighed heavily. Tara’s eyes still examined me.
”There’s no way I could feel for Colby the way you do for Jake right now.”
”How come?” I opened my mouth to speak but no words found me. “You—You’re really serious about Colby, aren’t you?”
”Yes, but-but not to say you weren’t serious about—“
”No, I know,” Tara quickly said. “I get it. We’re a lot less unserious after our relationship. We just tried it and it was fun be we aren’t meant to be together romantically.”
”That’s the thing, Tara,” I grumbled and finally looked at her. “How do you not get attached? I’m already scarily attached to him. Fuck; I hate him for it too.” She lips curled in a smirk. “Stop fucking looking at me like that.”
”You are so down bad for that man it’s hilarious.”
”What would be hilarious is if you shut the fuck up.”
”Just admit that you love him so much that you would rather never see him again than not be romantic with him.”
”You’re literally putting words in—Do you not hear the words coming out of my mouth?” Tara rolled her eyes at me and I sighed. I settled in my chair.
“I know. I get it, I do.”
”I just don’t know what I’m going to do, Tara. I already fucked up a lot between us whether we pursue each other or not.”
”How come?”
“I basically called him a slut too.”
”You-You what?” She gasped. She choked back a laugh before it burst out of her. “That is the most diabolical thing—“
”I know it was so wrong of me, but I was drunk and terrified.”
”I know.”
”Tara!” I gasped. “He fucks everything that breathes!” The anger stung my gritted teeth and she parted her lips with surprise. “Do you not fucking see it?” I shout in a whisper. “He has a new fucking partner every damn week which-which whatever, that’s fine, but then he texts me the way he does and it’s like he wants to get in my pants too, just for the sake of it!”
”Whoa, how do you text? Give me your phone.”
”No way.”
”You sent him nudes?”
”What? No!” My blush flared hot. She rolled her eyes.
”I’ve known Colby for so long, it’s nothing I haven’t seen.”
”We haven’t fucking—Wait what the fuck does that mean?”
”Jesus Christ, no need to get wound up. I haven’t fucked him; remember Jake used to live with them. I stayed there weeks at a time.” I nodded and handed her my phone. We really didn’t have anything important to hide.
As she read the texts, my heart quickened. Her silence scared me.
”Oh my god,” she gasped. “The damn tension is even worse in text.”
”Give It back,” I spat and stole it from her. “What tension? We’re just friends.”
”Pf, yeah; friends that are able to make any conversation dirty talk. Now stop being a pussy and-and suck his dick or something.“
”Tara!” I cried. I shoved my phone back in my bag. “There’s no way—No! I-I can’t do that.”
”Oh right, you’re so in love with him you want to have sex with him and let him kiss you all gentle—“ Her silly baby voice physically ignited the fiery anger inside of me.
”Seriously,” I spat and held my hand up. “It’s not like that.”
”Oh,” she gasped. “Right, it’s Colby I forgot. He might not like gentle sex.”
”Nor relationships, so let’s stop speaking about something I can’t have.” Tara looked at me as seconds ticked by.
”You do really like him.” I nodded slowly. “If you liked him enough, then what could come of it would be worth risking ever speaking to him the same way again.”
I stared at her wide eyed.
Where did that wisdom come from?
”Potentially.”
“Then talk to him like an adult. And don’t do it when you’re drunk; you disrespect him like that again and he’ll cut you off without you even getting about to suck his—“
”If you’re so obsessed with his dick, why don’t you suck it yourself?” I spat.
”Damn, alright. He’s yours.”
”He’s not mine,” I spat. “If last night was anything to go by.”
”No no,” Tara exasperated. “You literally have it all wrong. He looked so-so enthralled by you, that you’re already his. That’s why it pissed him off so much.”
”He wouldn’t be pissed off if he talked to me like an adult and didn’t fuck other women.”
”Talk to him.”
”You’re acting like you know something.”
”Obviously neither of them talk to me and I supposed neither of them talk to Johnnie or Jake because those two boneheads are clueless as always.” I smiled. “Talk to him. Both of you attitudes are starting to piss me off. I just want to have fun with my best friends without stepping on eggshells.” She sipped her drink.
”I fucking need one of those.”
”It’s a mimosa.”
”I know.”
”You literally were about to throw up.” I rolled my eyes and kicked back in my seat.
”I need to be drunk again.”
“Ma’am, yes ma’am,” she sighed as she eyed down a flight attendant. “Oh, you’re fucking hot by the way.”
”Exuse me?” I choked on nothing.
”Your tattoos are great, and I can’t believe you sent him and underwear pic.” My face burned.
”That was on accident. I was delusional and got out of bed before I was awake at 6am.”
”Yeah, uh-hu. Keep telling yourself that.” And Tara caught the attendant as she passed us.
Between us and the hangovers, it was easy sailing until touchdown.
When we stepped into the airport, my phone rang off the hook with late messages. Of which, Colby was missed. My stomach did that familiar flip at the sight of his name in my messages.
I stared at my phone wide eyed and breathless, and it must have taken me far too long to get going, because Tara peered over my shoulder.
”Damn, see I told you. He set the stage for you, now speak like an adult.” I looked at her sunglasses covered face. I judged her for looking like a freak wearing Jake’s inappropriately too large hoodie with the hood over the roller in her hair as she wore sunglasses on her face that were big enough to cover a horse’s eyes.
Not like I could judge; I might have been wearing Sam’s hoodie and Colby’s sweatpants with my own sunglasses covering my hangover but that’s neither here nor there.
“Let’s go,” I told her and we bulldozed our way through the airport and towards whichever fancy hotel Tara picked the month prior.
And the hotel was very nice.
It was large enough for an entire group to crash in after a night out. The window showed the evening city as night fell, and I wanted nothing more than to curl up in the bed that could easily hold four people. I stared out the window for sometime as Tara got settled in. I could have been thinking about our plans for the morning, where we were going to get—most likely—brunch and where we would go thrifting after, but there I stood in the nicest hotel room in New York City I’ve ever been in thinking about Colby.
I thought to text him now.
I will.
Maybe.
My eyes fell heavy, and it took effort to pull myself from the window.
“Thinking about room service. Forgot to get food before.”
”I know, I was just dreaming about this bed,” I moaned as I collapsed into it.
I fell asleep before Tara got off call with room service.
I woke up when the food came.
”Get up or else I’m eating all this pizza.” I slugged over to sit hip to hip with her as the food sprawled ahead of us.
“I’m beat.”
”And once we eat, we can sleep so long and happy once our bellies are full.” She logged into her Netflix on the TV as I scrolled on my phone.
“Okay can we eat now, like damn.”
”Sorry,” I laughed as I read the last word he sent, and my phone was tossed to the bedding.
“How much will you text him? This is supposed to be our chilled out work week; emphasis on boyless work week.”
”Yeah I know, I was going to call him after we eat so we can talk about whatever the fuck happened last night.”
”Okay,” she said as she took a bite.
“Then we will be boyless.”
”Good.”
And she was right. My eyes rolled back even more so as the pizza settled in our systems. She got ready for bed as I slid out onto the balcony to talk to Colby. The chilly air was certainly more than enough to prevent me from falling asleep.
”Hi.”
”Hi,” he said back. “How are you feeling?”
”I’m good, better,” I sighed. “It was kind of the worst flight of my life though.”
”That’s what I was worried about. Good thing you made it through.”
”Yeah, hardly though. Tara threatened me and stuffed alcohol wipes in my nose every time I moved.”
”Oh my god,” he laughed. “I felt really bad last night. You were so sick and then Sam was sick—god, he still is—and I was just like, ‘shit, maybe this was a bad idea’ especially after—everything.”
”Yeah, I know. But-But it’s fine; it was fine. I had a good night. Just won’t do it before a five am flight ever again.”
Silence.
”I wanted to talk about last night though, like what happened between us.”
”I know,” I sighed and released the energy. “First I wanted to say sorry for what I said to you; I didn’t mean it and it was really disrespectful. I was so drunk and should have closed my mouth especially since that’s your business anyway. I feel really bad and didn’t mean it.”
”I-I know,” he said not too convincingly. “It—I mean, I get where you’re coming from and alcohol amplified everything.” My eyebrow twinged with question.
”What do you mean ‘where I’m coming from?’”
”I mean—“ He took his time and I bit through the first layer of skin on my lip. “I-I guess it’s no secret I’m not with anyone and don’t—didn’t have any plan to be. I—oh my god—I was going to say I wanted to just have fun, but I’m such a mess it isn’t fun anymore.”
”Why are you such a mess?” My voice was low as if it knew the answer.
”I guess I’m not wanting to be alone but I’m also just not-not wanting to commit or anything.”
”Oh.” I didn’t mean to be so short, and he took a breath to say something quick but I interjected. “Why did you kiss me then? You heard what I said and I did—and still do—mean it. So why did you kiss me like-like you meant it or something?”
”I’m just as confused as you are about it.” I didn’t appreciate the frustration in his tone.
”Oh yeah? What’s so confusing about it, then? I’m not confused.”
“What?” He gasped. I could tell I picked and picked at the seams until he couldn’t keep it back anymore. “You told me I was confusing to you last night. I’m confused as well.”
”I’m not confused about the situation but I’m confused about the damn choices you’re making.”
”Oh yeah? And what choices are those?”
”How every time you look at me I’m trying to decipher whether you want to kiss me but then you don’t and go kiss another girl like usual. I’m not into this whole—this whole yearning thing. I don’t do situationships or adjacent dysfunction, okay? So if you want to kiss me like you did last night, then I’m the only one you’re kissing and that’s what I’m not confused about.”
”You think I don’t want to kiss you like that?” He gasped. My throat clamped together. “If last night was anything to go by, you’d know that I’ve only ever wanted to kiss you like that. But it’s so much more real.”
”How is it so real?” I scoffed. The bitterness flowed from me, and I didn’t hold it back. How could I? There was so much unknowingly built in my chest and it needed to be relieved. “If it were real, you would kiss me. You wouldn’t fuck any other thing that breathes; you would come to me.”
”Jesus fucking—I don’t fuck anyone! Why do you keep saying that?”
Speechless choked me.
”You-You what?”
”I’ve slept with two people all through last year and no one this year, alright? Just because I might have fun or take photos with people doesn’t mean shit. I’ve only slept with—“
”You don’t have to tell me. I’m-I’m not—I trust you.” I didn’t like the way my voice shook, but I sat still in disbelief. Those nasty things I told him—
“Please,” he sighed. “I’m not—I don’t like to fuck around like that. I mean yeah maybe I do, but not like that. Not the amount you think I have. Do you really think so poorly of me?”
”I don’t-I don’t think poorly of anyone who does that, Colby. Especially not you. The thing that ticked me off was how you treated me. I could only think of those girls; did they know that you talked to me like that? Did they like to hook up meaninglessly like that? I didn’t want to be responsible for any messy situation that came of it.”
”And you wouldn’t have,” he said all too sweetly. “It’s my responsibility and I wouldn’t throw you under the bus like that. I mean; if there even were a bus. Every time I would ‘take someone home’ they would just leave in their own Uber and I’d go back with Sam. Or if I went to their house, honestly I would just crash at Jake and Johnnie’s for the night so that Sam could have the house for the night.” I never thought about those things. Unfairly too; I always believed the worst.
I took a lengthy pause. I was still upset. Unsatisfied. So I yanked harder.
”Then why do you loop me into all of this? Why play with me and kiss me just to go back to how we were?”
”Who said I would ever do it?”
”I don’t know!” I burst out. “Maybe it’s because I saw with my own eyes the amount of girls you were with and didn’t know the details. It’s like you wanted me but kept me on edge for fun.”
”That’s not-That’s definitely not what happened or what I was thinking at all.”
”Then what is, Colby? What the fuck are you thinking about me then, because I’m getting fed up and—“
”I’m thinking that if I just got my shit together and-and got over things I was scared of, I could have you and talk to you about how I feel about you.”
”Which is how?”
”God fucking damnit, you’re really making me spell it out, hm?” I shrugged.
”Obviously. I’m not here to fuck around anymore. I like having fun with my friends and I do not like being used and thrown away. I have more self respect than to be fucked over again and again.”
”I wouldn’t do that.”
”And you’ve given me no reason that you wouldn’t or proof that you would do any better.” The phone etched into my palms from the amount of force I used to hold it.
”God fucking—“ He paused and I heard a breath. “You’re so fucking difficult.”
”I’m difficult? You’re putting my through the ringer because you can’t communicate.”
”I can’t communicate? When did you ever tell me that you didn’t like it when I was with other girls?”
”I don’t know maybe because it’s not my fucking place? Jesus Christ, you think I have the audacity to nose my way into your business?”
”Well you’ve fucking nosed your way into every other area of my life.” I dragged in a deep breath.
I saw red. I finally understood what it felt like when people said that.
”Oh yeah? And whose fault is that exactly?”
”It sure as hell isn’t mine.”
”I swear to god! Ugh! You’re so fucking annoying!”
”I’m annoying?” His voice finally raised. “You’re the one who flirts with me and I get the message that you want something but then you tell me ‘oh, no my expectations are so much higher than what you could reach’ and then get mad when I can’t reach them?”
“You haven’t fucking tried!” I finally yelled. “And you’re projecting! I have never given you my expectations for a relationship and yet you still think you can’t reach them, what am I just some selfish bitch to you or something? You haven’t asked or talked to me about anything serious at all! The only thing you know about my personal needs in a relationship is that I’d like for it to be exclusive and serious. I didn’t realize that was just so fucking hard for anyone to give me.”
”Becase you’re looking in the fucking wrong direction!”
I paused for a moment. I licked my dry lips.
”Oh so then you think the problem is you? Because I know having standards—and low ones, might I add—isn’t typically an issue for people.”
”You are—oh my fucking god.” I heard the way his voice grew quieter as he pulled the phone from his ear in frustration. “Maybe—listen to me—Maybe I think you’re looking in the wrong direction because you need someone who can fit your expectations. Not because you’re too much but because I care about you enough to make sure you’re taken care of and not at risk for it blowing up in your face since clearly that’s all I’m good at.”
”Colby,” I gasped.
This was never about my behavior. This wasn’t even about our lack of communication, then.
“When did I ever say I didn’t want you.”
”What?” He spat. “I never said—“
”No, but clearly you think you’re not good enough for me. You don’t know what I want outside of a stable relationship, and that I know you can give me if you try.”
”How do you know that?” His spite was thicker than the words he said.
”I mean-I mean I don’t but you’re smart and clearly you fucking care enough so I supposed you’d figure it out.”
”But that puts you at risk.”
”Fuck!” I yelled. “For as often as you put your physical body at risk with Sam you certainly are against it emotionally. Maybe I know that it’s a risk liking you as much as I do, but maybe it’s one I’m willing to take.”
”But you want—“
”Fucking hell, Colby. I just wanted you!” God it felt so good to say. “I just wanted you without having to worry that one day I wouldn’t be able to see you again because-because if it does blow up, I’m not sure I’ll be able to be friends with you after. That’s how much I care about you and need you.”
He was silent and my own anxiety took the wheel again.
”I-I really liked our friendship and don’t take that lightly; I hope you feel the same way about it—“
”I really do,” he reassured me.
”Then that’s why I didn’t want to be the one to start something more with you. I didn’t want it to blow up—“
”Oh so you wanted me to start it so that whenever it does inevitably blow up, you can blame me?”
”That’s not what I fucking said now, is it Colby? I said—“
”No.” It was so incredibly final that it took center in my stomach like a knife. “I’m not—We’re not doing this.”
”So then that’s it?”
”How much more do you want to lose?” It hit me. He wouldn't be able to go back after that kiss.
”If you think we’ve already lost something, then how bad could it be?”
”I can’t fucking do this right now.”
”Oh come on,” I laughed. “That’s so—That’s such a tap out.”
”No, I’m serious. You’re literally asking me to solidify a relationship with you so that when we break up, it can be my fault.”
”That is not what I’m asking you to do. Like, at all.”
”Yeah? Then what is?”
”I’m asking you to stop being so fucking scared of everything.”
Silence.
”I want you to stop trying to control everything around you all the time. You can’t control how I feel. Stop blaming yourself for things you haven’t even done! I’d never blame you if things didn’t work out between us. But I am blaming you if you keep yourself from me just because you’re scared.”
“I’ve never been so scared of anyone like I’m scared of you.”
”Colby—“
”The way you make me feel is too much. I can’t-I can’t fuck us up. I’d rather you at a safe distance for forever than nowhere near me at all.”
”And if it all blows up, what are we going to do?”
”I can't think about that—“
”No, tell me.”
”I swear,” he laughed.
”Colby, tell me now.”
”I—We’re going to stop speaking. I know that much. I won’t be okay for a long time—“
”What if it all blows up but we just stay together anyway?” He was quiet again as if it was the most confusing thing in the world.
”What-What are you talking about?”
”Things go wrong in relationships all the time. That's why only the people who choose to stay together and work on themselves for the other person last more than 20 years. I don’t understand why a disagreement or argument can derail an entire companionship if they actually care deeply about each other.”
The way he said my name made me forget all the other times my name had been said.
”It’s that much?”
”What?” I asked.
”You actually want me that much?”
”I could.” It was the truth. I did want him—badly—and with time, maybe he could be the only one I would want.
”I think I could let myself want you that much too.”
”Colby, stop saying you’ll ‘let’ yourself. Not everything has to be controlled; literally chill out and let things happen.”
”Okay, okay,” he sighed. I, too, was tired of arguing, and with that sweet tone on his tongue, I wished to sleep cuddled into his side. What a way to begin a month apart from each other. “I trust you.”
”Good. I trust you too.”
It felt like the end of the conversation. I didn’t know where it left us, but we were farther than where we started.
I also trusted the fact that we had much time to think about things before we saw each other again.
”By the way,” he said with that goofy tone that I knew meant something outrageous was brewing in that head. “‘Smash and dash was so fucking funny. If you didn’t literally break my heart in that sentence, I would have cried laughing.”
”Oh my god, shut the fuck up. I have no idea where that came from—“
”It was so good.”
The night was brutal. It took me a second to register the fact that I shivered like my life depended on it.
“Colby,” I mumbled. “I care about you a lot, and maybe that’s why I’m so-so protective, or something, of what—or of how I feel. I didn’t want to stress you into something you didn’t want, and I didn’t—I don’t know—I don’t want to see you scared or in pain.”
“I know, I know. I care about you as well which is why I tried to get rid of my confusion and frustration in some way because I didn’t want to hurt you or not be enough for you. It—All of this is a lot, and I’m not ready for it.”
”Maybe we won’t be,” I sighed. My breath piled in front of me. “We can wait.”
”Yeah,” he agreed.
”I’m so sorry but I’m literally—I’m outside because Tara’s in there and it’s so fucking cold so I was going—”
”Oh my god, yeah go inside.”
”Okay.” I stood up. “I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”
”Okay, also, thanks for talking. You can be—god—you’re so fucking pushy and you never back down.”
“And you’re so damn combative it’s hard to not fight with you.”
”No one usually fights me, they leave or, I don’t fucking know, listen to what I say.”
”Ha!” I burst out laughing. “That’s so funny. I only listen to myself. I like you a lot, okay? So I’m going to fight back if you sound like an idiot.”
”And you sound like a spoiled bitch who always gets her way.”
”No,” I dragged out. “I just do this thing called thorough communication, and I never sacrifice the things I value just because some boy wants to fuck me.”
”Whoa,” Colby gasped. “I never expected you to sacrifice anything.” I laughed as my face heated up.
”Oh okay maybe so, but you want to fuck me then?”
“We are not talking about that right now.”
“Oh come on, you could have just said no.”
”And now you sound like the idiot.”
”Whatever, I’m going inside so I don’t have to freeze my ass off anymore.”
”You do that. I’m getting food then sleeping another ten hours.”
”Okay good,” I smiled. “Bye.”
”Bye.”
Even when I curled up in my bed happy and content and warm as I could be, I still shook to my core.
And it wasn’t from the winter air.
I woke up to the sound of an alarm, and Tara sitting up to turn it off.
”Why?” I complained. “Why so early?”
”It’s literally nine am. Let’s get up and get ready.”
”Fine,” I grumbled. I stretched so hard that I nearly missed what she said.
”I was asleep by the time you came in last night, what did you and Colby talk about for so long?”
”Honestly? We just argued the entire time but we’re fine now.”
”What?” She laughed. “What did you fight about?”
”Colby’s personal bullshit. Also, we may or may not date; we aren’t sure.”
”That is literally the most you and Colby thing I’ve ever heard,” Tara laughed as she got up. ”You guys are so exclusively not exclusive.”
”And you are so already breaking your rule for having a boyless trip.” She smiled at me as she pulled her glasses on.
”You’re right. Now get ready; we have bagels to eat and thrift stores to infiltrate.”
The day ended as fast as it came, and when we woke up the next morning, we decided to stay in and have a self care day instead of walking because our legs cramped.
I don’t remember another time my mind emptied of stress and worries about work, scheduling, and recording. Maybe we filmed a few videos, and maybe we vlogged, and maybe we met up with friends for a video, but it was a week of my life that my job melted into a privileged everyday life rather than a literal job.
After Tana and Brooke showed up, it was time for a little less self care to say the least.
He didn't respond.
“You’re breaking the law.” I looked up to Tara who sat on the edge of the bed talking to Brooke. I leaned against the head board and dropped my phone to the sheets.
”What are you talking about?”
“See, I didn’t know if you were or not but you just gave yourself away.”
”What law do we have this week?” Brooke asked.
”No speaking about or texting or calling males this week.” Brooke’s eyes rounded and snapped to mine.
”Who were you texting?”
”N—“
”Colby,” Tara sighed.
”Okay, that’s great. Thank you so much for letting that cat out of the bag.” Then Brooke’s eyes widened.
”Am I not supposed to know?”
”No,” I sighed and scooted closer to them. I stole a gummy worm from the bag in between them. “It’s a situationship I fear.”
”Oh I see,” Brooke laughed as a smirk pulled on her rosy lips.
“And it’s becoming a situation for all of us because you keep texting him.”
”You should be glad we aren’t at each other’s throats anymore.”
”I don’t know if you two being at each other’s throats is as bad as being down them anymore—“
”Oh my god, Tara, no. That’s-That’s too far.”
”Yeah, mhm,” she sighed with raised eyebrows. Tana came from the bathroom. “It’s almost like you were the one who went too far with him first.”
”Who’s him?”
”Colby,” Brooke replied to Tana faster than anyone could think.
”Oh,” Tana said as she looked at me up and down. “Honestly that checks out. Is this new?”
”As of three days ago,” I sighed. My head met my hand as if I massaged a headache.
”It’s actually been a nine month long languished yearning slow burn from both of them but apparently Colby has trust issues and she’s just too cut throat for him.”
”Tara,” I spat. “You are just full of it today aren’t you?”
”Yes, now I understand how everyone else felt when Jake and I first started dating and I’m getting flashbacks so I’m snappy.”
”Clearly.”
”You both are breaking your own law,” Brooke intervened.
”That’s true,” I said to Tara with eyebrows raised.
”What law?”
”No speaking about men on this trip,” Brooke told Tana to which Tana laughed, of course.
”I am a felon.”
✧˖*°࿐
Taglist (Comment to be added):
@a-random-google-user
#colby brock#sam and colby#sam golbach#18+ only#minors dni#colby brock smut#colby brock x reader#rosie writings
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Base Yandere Velvette Headcanons: I'm The Hashtag Yandere and Do What I Please
[Hello, My Sexy Muffins! I had this VOTE on YouTube for the next videos/headcanons and you all were more than HALF of you! Wanted to see Velvette so here she is! Headcanons on Wattpad, Tumblr, and Archive! And A YouTube video version of it! Enjoy this!]
(Disclaimer: Velvette is not yandere in canon! This is just for fun, and not to be taken seriously at all! Simping for fictional characters is fine! Just do not be illegal or gross about it! Yanderes are not ideal partners to have in real life! Also, remember to separate fiction from reality and headcanon from canon!)
-Base Yandere Headcanons With Velvette from Hazbin Hotel-
.Velvette is the glue that holds the two other V's together.
.She is also the youngest of the V's and the youngest of the overlords.
.She has high ambitions though and wants to make her status in hell top tier and everlasting.
.She fell in love with you, one of the people that work in the Vs towers. You were not a model, and your soul did not belong to any of the V's.
.You just knew where the money was to be made, and knew that the Vs could very well be the future of hell.
.She had you work in her department, she wanted to make you into a model, but she chose not to.
.As she does not want to share you with anyone else.
.Though she personally designs clothes for you, you really are her doll.
.She dresses you up how she likes you to look, and does your hair how she likes it.
.You are more or less a dress-up doll for her and because she is an overlord you really cannot say no to her.
.Besides you do not mind as much cause she has the best style and she actually does make you look really fucking good.
.She would see you when you are her partner as needed to uphold the Vs brand, so you have to look as stylish as possible.
.She is also the backbone of the V's and is willing to go after what she wants even willing to fight other overlords.
.this affects you as she is willing to fight for you and throw down for you.
.She will get right in the thick of it and beat the living shit out of anyone that tries to steal you away from her.
.She is your partner and if some unlucky bitch tries and steals you away from her, well they are good as double dead.
.She is a bit of a critical and judgy yandere, she knows when you are looking at others and she is very critical of it.
.She is also very judgy of anyone you are interested in.
.She will verbally belittle them and mock them, telling them how worthless they are and how pathetic they are.
.She will make them feel like absolutely vile creatures for daring to catch your attention.
.That or she will just kill them. It depends on her mood that day.
.She is also VERY Observant, she can tell when anyone takes an interest in you, which she puts a stop to right away.
.She also can tell if you are into her or not.
.Which allows her to manipulate your feelings and make it so that you do start to develop feelings for her.
.That is right she is also a very manipulative yandere, and will also most likely gaslight you as well.
.She is all about the grind, girl boss, and gaslight lifestyle.
.She is also very quick-witted and quick on her feet.
.She can react very fast and well to learning new things. So she can outsmart you and be several steps ahead of you as well.
.She knows that she is the best option for you and that you are the best option for her.
.She will possibly drug you, with her love potion.
.Cause that is right, she is great at cooking and potion making.
.She in canon uses Valentino Phermone salvia to help make a love potion which I suppose works like a aphrodsiac, ectasy, and possibly the Date R Word Drug maybe.
.She would use it on you as a very last resort. She rather not use it, but she is not above sinking that low to be with you.
.She also might make a new potion to make you have feelings for her.
.In which you are still yourself but you are attracted to her and want to be with her and only her.
.Again that is a last resort. She will sink that low, but only as the very last option.
.She will keep Valentino away from you, threatening to cut off his dick if he tried anything with you.
.She also gets along with Vox very well so she uses his cameras to keep an eye on you, and make sure you are safe when not with her.
.She is FOR SURE 1000 percent a stalker type of yandere.
.In which she stalks your socails medias, stalks you with Vox camera, and has put cameras and micrphones in your home.
.She knows where you are (Most likely is tracking you.) at all times.
.If you step to close to other Overlord's territories she will remind you that you work for her and that you are hers! And NO ONE Else's so stay where you are allowed to go!
.She is low key a very controlling yandere.
.She is also a very good cook and cooks for you all the time. She uses it as a way to smooth over any arguments.
.And she will drug the food to if she needs to.
.If worse comes to worse she will chain you to her bed and make sure that you can never ever leave her.
.She rather not do that, but she will is she has to.
.She also LOVES To show you off, you are her trophy darling and a prize that she has.
.She is going to make sure all of hell knows that you are hers and hers alone.
.How she deals with rivals, verbally, socially, emotionally, and physically ruining them and humiliating them.
.Most like making a public example of them and what happens when someone tries to steal you away from her.
.She would confess to you and offer a marriage soul contract. Where you give her your soul and become her spouse.
.If you accept this, you will sign and there will be no escape she will own you and you will be hers for the rest of the time.
.If you reject the proposal and her feelings, well be ready to be drugged and have her force you to sign it.
.One way or another you will give her your soul, it just matters how many freedoms you want, cause if she has to force you to sign it.
.You can be sure to be changed to the bed while she punishes you for trying to say no to her.
.You never say no to her, you belong to her, and you are damn lucky she loves you, or she would let Val punish you for telling her no.
.She would never actually let Val touch you, but she would threaten it, just to scare you into being a good partner.
[YASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS finally got this chapter done! I hope you all enjoyed this and stay sexy!]
#yandere#yandere velvette#yandere hazbin hotel#yandere headcanons#headcanon#hazbin hotel#hazbin velvette#hazbin hotel velvette#velvette#velvette x reader#reader#gender neutral reader#gender neutral
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Celeb!Gojo x POC Reader
Satoru doesn't pay much attention to the things people say about him on social media. Not until they get his girlfriend involved.
a/n: celeb gojo prolly dont even manage his own account ughhh
(POC Reader!, suggestive dialogue, pet names {princess, love, babe, etc}, m4f)
You yawn, turning over to the empty spot beside you in the bed. Per usual, Satoru was making phone calls. He called his manager about his next events and interviews, simultaneously fighting allegations on twitter and instagram.
“Cancel the party for- What do you mean I’m trending? Excuse me?”
He frantically paced the halls, shouting yet still whispering so he wouldn’t wake his love. You heard the muffled rambling of his manager on the other line.
“It’s all about you and miss [F/N]. They have an image of you two entering coachella.” Satoru sighs at the clarification as he wraps up the conversation, eager to get back to you. He lets his head hang while his hands are on his hips. He couldn’t think of what to do.
It isn’t like he doesn’t want the world to know about you, he just doesn’t want you to receive any of the hate he gets on social media, especially by crazed fans who get upset at the thought of him with someone. You knew all this and still decided to fall in love with a celebrity.
I mean, who could blame you? He’s hot!
He paced more until he caught a glimpse of you sitting up from your shared bed. He stops abruptly and takes lazy steps towards you with a small frown.
“Morning, princess. Did y’sleep well?” He mumbles against your neck, peppering it with kisses and easing back into bed with you.
You rubs your eyes with a nod, leaning into his touch. His hands were soft, but cold against your skin. You yawn before stretching and putting your weight on him as you tilt against his chest.
“Ya haven’t slept that long since I fucked you to sleep-” His comment was cut off with a harsh smack in the face with his own pillow. “Ouch, babe. Love you, too.”
“Maybe don’t say things like that in my first ten minutes of consciousness.” You pout.
He gently tackles you to lie back down as he passes you your phone, watching you scroll on social media. You come across a fan edit of him before huffing and scrolling onto the next post.
Satoru reaches his hand out to scroll back up to the edit of himself. “What’s this? You make this or somethin’?”
You sigh before denying his inquiry, “No, Satoru, it’s an edit from one of your many fans.”
“Go to the comments, what are they saying?” He smiles, eager to receive the praise he gets on the daily from a bunch of strangers online.
You tap the comment section to open the pop-up and start to scroll through. He squints to read them and is taken aback by a few things.
“No lube, no… What the fuck? We aren’t stopping until- hold on, who is we?” Satoru gasps at the replies to a simple video of flashing lights and transitioning video clips of him. Is this really all it took to be talked about like a pornstar? He wasn’t sure how to feel.
A particular comment catches his eye.
‘guys chill yk he got a girl now’
‘when?!?! omg link??’
‘js search “satoru gojo girlfriend coachella” on youtube’
“Oh, way to keep a secret, Gojo is my idol underscore fifteen!” Satoru groans.
You continue scrolling through the replies which, to your surprise, are becoming less about your boyfriend and targeted towards you. And not in a good way.
Insult after slur and slur after insult, they were just going in on you.
‘that *** can khs, he dont deserve that thing’
‘Shes not even attractive bye’
You felt tears start to swell in your eyes, blinking them away as Satoru scanned the screen for some kind of joke. He frowned and stood up, dialing his manager again.
They exchange a few inaudible words from the other side of the bedroom door before he returns to your company and smiles widely.
“What’re you up to, Satoru?”
He doesn't reply, but instead sends you a tweet he made a moment ago.
He continues to grin as he sees your mood improve a bit, pulling you in closer. “Don’t worry about them. They’re jus’ mad cuz they probably don’t have the exotic gorgeousness you possess, baby.”
You smile but cringe a bit internally, “Never say exotic again.”
#jujutsu kaisen#jjk#jjk x reader#gojo satoru#jjk gojo#gojo x reader#gojou satoru x reader#celebrity gojo au#jujutsu kaisen x reader#he definitely can't text lmao#gojo x poc reader#gojo x black reader#gojo x hispanic reader#gojo x latina reader#gojo x asian reader#turnyptown
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20vs1 -W2S
Words: 1.3k
Warnings: none.
In which you are asked to be on the sidemen’s 20vs1.
y/username
Liked by sidemen and 901,452 others
y/username: guess what I'm filming today🤫
-comments-
y/nfanpage21: ooo I'm excited to find out❤️
user30781614: SIDEMEN LIKED OMFG🤭
-> user91368481: y/n x sidemen ahh!!!
A month ago... "Rach!" I shouted through my apartment. "Ye?" my roommate Rachel shouted before appearing in my doorway. "Do you know who the sidemen are?" I asked her. "Yes, they're massive on YouTube, why?" She replied plonking herself next to me on the bed. "They just asked me to be in one of their videos." She shot upright "what! Did you say yes?" She asked excitedly. "Umm, I haven't replied yet, are they weirdo's?" I asked since she knew of them. She laughed aloud "no I don't think so." she said with a giggle. "It says they want me to film a "twenty versus one", what's that?" I said flipping my phone around to show her the email. "That's a series, they do, let me just show you." she grabbed the control and flipped on my tv.
That night I went through a rabbit hole, researching these people. I wanted to make sure they weren't creeps before agreeing to be in a their video. They had a pretty massive following and there videos were entertaining. I eventually decided it'd be fun so agreed to be in the video. When I told Rach she was ridiculously excited.
Today is the day of the shoot. All I'd been given was a location and a time, so I got up early to get ready. I took a shower, dried and straightened my hair, did my makeup (adding extra powder so I wouldn't shine in the studio lights) then got dressed into a black, tight play suit, an oversized denim jacket and some black four inch heeled boots. Once I was finished I sprayed myself with my favourite perfume, grabbed my bag and left my apartment.
After a 30 minute drive my uber finally pulled up outside the filming location which just looked like a large building. I thanked him and slid out of the car. Just as I was walking towards the front entrance I was greeted by a woman who said her name was Tanya and that she was the head of production. "She seems nice" I thought as she led me inside. She brought me to a green room with multiple other women, and a table with drinks and food. I sat down on one of the chairs. "wait, are you y/n y/l/n?!" One of the girls asked me. I nodded "yep, that's me." I replied with a light smile. "Omg I love your vlogs!" She announced excitedly. "Thank you!" I said appreciatively.
Almost 20 minutes later all twenty of us were taken through into a small hallway, and formed into a queue. I was sixth and when it was my turn I walked out and stood on the marked spot on the white floor. "Hi, how are you?" I asked who I learned from my stalking was Harry. "Not great to be honest." he replied, clearly not enjoying this shoot. I laughed slightly "just breathe." I said breathing deeply in and out. He copied my actions and did the same. He smiled "yes." he said, flicking his hand towards the door then I heard a cheer from another room. "Thank you." I said politely and walked off the set.
Ten minutes later everyone was sent back into the room and we all stood in an oval shape facing the camera. Then Harry walked in and greeted us "hello everyone, I said yes to way too many people so if you don't like me please- leave." he chuckled then turned around to face the camera. Five people left leaving nine of us. Harry opened his eyes and turned back around "I'll take that, I'll take that, I'll take that, I'll take that," he repeated quickly "thank you very much. alright, I'll see you shortly, I guess." Then he left and all of us were taken back to the green room.
I sat there for well over two hours waiting, since I was the last one. Once it was finally my turn, I was taken back to the studio, by Tanya. "You'll do great!" she said with a light pat on my back just before I entered the room. I was reattached to a mic and then told to sit down on the comfy looking chair. Harry entered a few minutes later and I stood up to greet him with a hug. "Hello again, sorry you've been waiting so long." he said politely, before sitting down. I smiled "no problem." He took a breath in "so what's your name?" "y/n." I replied. "And what do you do?" He asked. "For fuck sake I hate this question" I thought. "I do YouTube." I replied. His eyes lit up slightly "oh, what kind of videos do you make?" He asked, sitting forward in his chair. "Vlogs, beauty stuff, outfits, that kind of thing." I said counting them on my fingers. "Oh cool." he said with a nod of his head.
The date lasted just under 15 minutes. From the video Rach showed me it seemed that these weren't just normal dates but it felt completely normal to me... actually in the other video there was one date where the man was just told to be himself, so maybe that was what was happening. We talked about what both of our favourite movies were, we found out we both lived in London and when I asked if he was into football he explained that that was what his YouTube channel was based off, along with an online game to do with football.
Once the date finished, we hugged goodbye and he left. Then I was asked two questions by the main camera man: what I thought about him and if I would go on another date. "I thought he was a really sweet and seemed interested in our convo. I will definitely go on another date with him." and as I said those words, I heard in eruption of cheers in another room, which Tanya had now explained was the other members of the sidemen watching the dates. I laughed slightly then stood up. I quickly had my mic taken off, then went to collect my things from the green room. As I was grabbing my things Tanya popped back into the room to ask me something, "the boys were just wondering if you could come and see them so they could thank you for coming." she asked. I smiled "of course."
She took me through a corridor, and then down a smaller hallway and into a room. There was a group of boys stood up in front of around six TVs that I assumed they had been watching the dates on. "Hey, nice to meet you, thanks for coming!" who I knew to be JJ said putting his hand out for a handshake. I shook his hand and said "thank you for having me." They all introduced themselves to me and we stood talking for a few minutes. Just before I left I heard my name "y/n!" I turned around to see Harry stood in front of me "I was just wondering... if it was okay with you, I could get your number?" he asked. I smiled "sure." He passed me his phone I typed my phone number in. "there." I said, passing his phone back to him. "thank you." he said with a sheepish smile. I waved the other boys goodbye before I left the building.
The next day, I got a text from Harry asking if he could take me out on a "second" date, and obviously I said yes.
#fanfic#image#oneshot#sidemen#harry lewis#harry w2s#w2s#w2s imagine#w2s x reader#w2s fic#wrotoshaw#wroetoshaw#20vs1#ksi#miniminter#zerkaa#vikkstar123#tobjzl#behzinga#instagram
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i became a phannie in 2018 (right in the middle of ii) and i'm a bit scared to ask lol but... what was the vday video? :0
*cracks knuckles* oh boy
the date is september 17th, 2011. a video gets uploaded to the lessamazingphil youtube channel, it stays up for about three hours. the video, simply titled with an emoticon, is.. deeply embarrassing, if i’m being honest! it’s essentially a valentine’s card from phil to dan, painfully earnest and very very sweet, but obviously not meant to be seen by anyone else. at this point in time the phandom was quite small and nobody really lost their minds fully, though there are still reactions from the day up online. most of the reactions were people just going ‘lol called it’.
the original upload date of the video was february 13th 2010, and it had been private on lessamazingphil for a year and a half until a YOUTUBE GLITCH publicised it. quite frankly if i was dnp i would be burning down youtube headquarters because that is some fucking bullshit. the video gets taken down as soon as phil notices. he reaches out to people who saw it and explain to them that it was an april fools prank that they decided not to go through with.
now because not THAT many people saw it, and there weren’t many diehard shippers at the time, everything kinda died down. that is, until dnp properly blew up and got genuinely famous and oh no of course someone saved the vday vid and of course someone leaked it. halloween 2012! that’s when it all broke loose. at this point not only was the phandom big but there were a metric fuckton of shippers out there. and so when someone posted THAT.. well, you can imagine.
dan was in the middle of his no homo howell era and went the FUCK off at people on tumblr about it, phil was answering questions about it like hahaa nooo it was a prank lol. basically they were sticking to the april fools story, which is a hilariously bad excuse for many reasons, and truly did not add up even a little bit. there’s not really a reason anymore for us to pick it apart, because after BIG and dan confirming they were romantically involved at the time it’s more clear than ever that they were full of shit when they said it’s a prank, but people were writing essays about that shit. you had to be there, i fear. but also be glad you weren’t cause it was carnage out there
for YEARS after this phil would take down any copy of the video online, like i’m talking everywhere from youtube to pornhub to obscure foreign websites. the phandom rule was kind of to just not mention it at all, but definitely never post it.
i think we’re best off keeping the ‘don’t post it’ rule, because although the ‘outing them’ part of it all isn’t relevant anymore, it’s still a very private video and i just cannot stress enough how deeply embarrassing it is. i say that lovingly.
that being said, mostly everyone has seen it anyway. i am so sorry dan and phil. kind of, it’s kinda funny also. but sorry again. for what it’s worth, phil seems to have stopped taking it down, so while i won’t post it i will say that if you want to find it you can
... i am going to share their comments on it though because good lord
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Pendatang and why I think it's important for the fight against censorship
Malaysia's first fully crowd funded film is finally out and its free on YouTube!!!
youtube
(btw its fully subtitled in English, Malay, Chinese (Simplified), and Tamil for those who want it)
Pendatang by Kuman Pictures is set in a dystopian future where, due to racial extremism, Malaysia is fully segregated. Citizens live in their own areas based on their race and mixing between the races is punishable by 25 years in prison.
The story centers around a Malaysian Chinese family who is forced to relocate to a designated house by the authorities but they find a Malay girl hiding in their attic.
Anyone who is familiar with the Malaysian film scene would be wondering, "A Malaysian movie about race and inequality? How the fuck did this movie get through the censorship board?". Well, easy. They didn't even try.
In the name of keeping peace in the country, The Malaysian Film Censorship Board (Lembaga Penapis Filem - LPF) is notorious for censoring local movies to the point it loses its impact or keeping movies in a limbo for years. But films need LPF's approval to be able to release theatrically local cinemas.
The makers of Pendatang knew that this film wouldn't have made it past the censorship board or any other kinds of local governmental/commercial release or funding channel. So from the start, they set out to crowd fund this movie to release it for free online - where the LPF has no jurisdiction.
They managed to raise past their goal of RM300k (which is about slightly less than 100k USD). And one year later, they've kept their word - the movie is available on YouTube for free with no ads (making it a non-profit movie).
This is what the makers have to say about this move and what they hope it achieves:
So not only is it a badass move to bypass censorship and non-profit, its also a ground breaker and this opens up a whole new avenue for Malaysian filmmakers.
But it can't be that bad, can it? Well here are some films that weren't so lucky with the LPF.
Mentaga Terbang a story about a young girl's religious journey after her mother's passing to find out what happens after death. It was banned in Malaysia.
Tiger Stripes, the Cannes award winning teenage body horror film detailing a girl's journey with womanhood. It was so heavily cut by LPF that the filmmaker has disowned the censored version and has come out to say that essence was removed from the movie.
Spilt Gravy on Rice is a dark comedy based on a play of the same name. It is a story about a journalist who is close to death and decides to fix his family issues with his 5 kids who all have different mothers. The film was submitted for approval in 2012 and was forced to make changes (including an alternate ending) and was finally approved in 2020. Due to covid, the premiere was delayed till 2022. The original playwright, Jit Murad, passed earlier that year and never got to see his story in the big screen. You can find the film with its original ending on Netflix now.
This is why a movie like Pendatang is so important. Some suspect that Pendatang will be taken down or blocked by the government. I hope it won't.
Malaysian filmmakers want to share good stories that shouldn't be watered down. Malaysian voices want to be heard and shouldn't be unnecessarily filtered and censored.
#pendatang#pendatang movie#media censorship#censorship#malaysia#film#mentaga terbang#tiger stripes#spilt gravy on rice#image id in alt text
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WatcherTV Debrief
I said I was going to write down all of my thoughts yesterday, but I was simply too tired after work. So I'm going to do so now, in a post that is likely going to be very long, but hopefully will still be worth the read for some of you anyway.
TL;DR: I believe this is a very poor decision on Watcher Entertainment's part and it is at the very least going to cost them a huge swath of their fanbase, if not their entire company in the long run. And at this point in time, I myself will not be subscribing.
With that said though, I don't want this post to merely be a rant about how much I dislike the decision, so I'm going to start off by looking at things from their perspective and explaining why, although some people in the fanbase might feel betrayed, none of the three (yes, three, because Steven, Ryan, and Shane were all equal parts of this decision) personally betrayed anyone in the fandom. If you're still angry, I understand that seeing what might seem like a "defense" might be upsetting, but again, I hope you'll find some value in it regardless.
All of that said, that plus my extensive criticism of this decision is going to be long, so let's go beneath a cut.
First, let us state the obvious: Watcher Entertainment is a media company -- a business -- and Shane Madej, Ryan Bergara, and Steven Lim are not your friends. They are business owners first, and media producers + actors second.
I italicized actors to draw attention to it, because this is something that I think gets . . . not forgotten, per se, but pushed aside in people's minds when they consume video content online, particularly when that video content is on YouTube, which originally began as a point and shoot video upload website that was meant to give anyone and everyone the ability to upload their vlogs or silly little videos. The term "parasocial relationships" is one that has proliferated across the internet, but I think the issue here -- with Shane and Ryan in particular -- is not only that people are thinking of them as "friends," but also that they are thinking, "These are their authentic selves, this is who they really are, I know them." And the fact of the matter is, that isn't true. Shane and Ryan are actors. What we see in their videos isn't their authentic selves. We don't know them.
Now, that isn't to say that it's all a lie. It isn't quite the same as, say, Ryan Gosling or Leo DiCaprio playing a role in a film. But every internet celebrity (and that is what they are at this point) presents themselves in a particular way to their audience. Even in the Pod Watcher podcast, where ostensibly they're having Just Friendly Conversations About Whatever's On Their Minds, they're mindful of the fact that their audience is listening, their audience is judging, their audience is making gifs and fanart of moments they like. They're acting. They're playing up personas to keep fans engaged, to keep fans coming back for more.
So Shane and Ryan (and Steven, when he can be) are actors. You don't know their true authentic selves, and you never have. Anything they say has to be taken with a grain of salt, because they are saying what they want you to hear. Even their live shows are rehearsed. And what this means -- that they only show you what they want to show you -- is that they did not betray you, because they couldn't betray you. They don't know you, just like you don't know them. Betrayal is not possible here.
To that end, Watcher Entertainment is a media company -- in other words, a business. And businesses must generate not only revenue, but profit in order to stay afloat. Now, I don't know what Watcher's financial books look like right now. I have seen people throwing around a lot of numbers about what they have to make from Patreon, from ticket and merchandise sales, et cetera, but without looking at the expense reports, the bank statements, and the budget sheets, it's difficult for any of us to say just what state Watcher is in financially. We can guess, but that's the best we can do.
That said though, we don't have to guess to know the very basic principle of running a business. A business has to, at the bare minimum, break even. Ideally, the business would profit, so that they can not only do things like pay their employees fairly, but also so that they can expand and grow. Any business requires money in order to make product, whether that product is food, an item that you can purchase, or entertainment media that you consume as a viewer. As nice as it would be if Watcher could make their content without needing money to do so, they can't. Even independent YouTubers, including video essayists and Let's Players, require money to make their content. The equipment, in both purchasing and upkeep, requires money. The games (for Let's Players) require money. Internet and electricity bills, food, books needed for research, props, et cetera -- all of that requires money. No matter how simple a video may look, it still requires money to make. There is a reason that most people aren't able to make YouTube a full time job, and it isn't because they aren't talented; it's because it is a deceptively expensive venture to get into.
So with that said, even without knowing Watcher's current financial situation, it does make sense that they need money to run their business, purely from a "businesses need money" standpoint. This is common sense. This is why things like Watcher selling merchandise, having sponsored ads, having a Patreon, et cetera always made sense. And it is possible, too, that even if their present financial situation is okay, that they are thinking about the future, and costs they are likely to be incurring within the next year.
I don't know how many people within the fanbase listen to their podcast, Pod Watcher, but I do. A few episodes ago, Steven revealed that he wants to open a Malaysian restaurant within the next year. This is his dream, to bring Malaysian culture to the United States with food. This is an amazing dream for him, it's wonderful for him, I wish him success in this venture.
However, running a restaurant -- and not only running one, but building one from the ground up and running it -- takes an astronomical amount of time and energy. This is time and energy that Steven is currently expending keeping Watcher Entertainment afloat as the sole person in charge of managing their financials. (He has the official title of CEO, with Shane and Ryan having stepped away from that title In Name Only to focus on production, but the job that Steven is actually doing is CFO -- Chief Financial Officer.) So when Steven announced that he was going to be opening a restaurant within the next year, what I heard was, "Oh, Steven is leaving Watcher within the next year." This is supported, in my opinion, by Steven saying things like how Shane and Ryan will get free drinks whenever they visit, and then hastily tacking on fans can have it, too. He was trying not to show that he was leaving just yet to the fanbase, but the writing is on the wall and they all know it.
What this means is that when Steven leaves, they will need to find someone to replace him. Either Shane and/or Ryan will need to step away from producing and acting in their shows to take over CFO duties (which the reason why they stepped away is because they handled CFO duties poorly while Steven was better equipped for it, so I doubt either of them would like to do this), or they will need to hire someone to do that for them. The lowest CFO salary in LA I can find is $140k/year, and that isn't including benefits. Since Steven helped found the company, it's doubtful he's making that much, but his replacement won't be a founder and will likely want competitive compensation. There is a good chance that, considering this, Shane, Ryan, and Steven feel pressured to bring in a lot more money than they're currently doing right now.
And I understand all of that. I have supported them where I can; yesterday I literally wore my $80+ Mystery Files jacket to work, which felt a bit bitter after the news broke and I realized I wouldn't be able to watch future seasons of said show. I overpaid for a denim jacket because I wanted to support them. It's not as if I don't understand.
However . . . here is where the criticism begins.
To begin with, there is an old saying: you have to spend money to make money. To go back to my previous statements about how even smaller scale YouTubers spend money to keep producing videos to keep their channels afloat, what this saying means is that if you aren't going to put any money into your business or product, you aren't going to have a business or product to generate any revenue. However, some young business owners take this to the extreme, and figure that if they pump tons and tons and tons of cash into their business at the start, it will start to generate revenue more quickly. What ends up happening is that they overspend, sometimes even despite their best efforts not to, and end up not being able to claw their way back out of the red in the end.
Unfortunately, that is what I think that Watcher is doing with their new streamer.
Let's be clear: There have been valid criticisms about how they seemingly over-budget on shows that don't need to have such high production values or budget. Someone mentioned that their Let's Play show (I don't watch that one because horror games are uninteresting to me, so I don't remember the name) credits something akin to 26 people, which is silly when you consider the fact that there are independent Let's Players who are able to produce content themselves. Of course, you have to remember that the LPers on YouTube are editing their own videos, which Ryan and Shane probably aren't able to do -- but even then, that would be one or perhaps two additional editors. The number of people they have working on that particular venture does seem excessive.
With that said though, those 26 people were already employed and being paid, so having them work on the Let's Play show was likely not a new business expense. The streamer, however, is a completely different story.
First, they had to have paid likely multiple people to build the WatcherTV streaming website for them. Granted, I could be wrong since I have never used Squarespace, but I find it difficult to believe this is something Squarespace would be capable of handling. So unless they already had experienced programmers on their staff, they would have had to hire programmers to build the streaming website. They would also need to pay for hosting the streaming website, which includes not only the domain, but server space for all of their videos, and videos take up a lot of space. Previously, YouTube hosted all of their videos. Now? That needs to be on Watcher, and server space and maintenance is not cheap.
So they are paying for programmers, domain name, server space, server maintenance. They are also going to need to pay for security. Not only do they need to be concerned about any potential DDoS attempts, but more importantly they need security to ensure that they can't suffer a data breach and lose the credit card information of their subscribers, something which happens all the time to other companies. Now you may say, if it happens all the time and those companies are fine, Watcher will be too, right? Well, does Watcher have lawyers on retainer? Because litigation can be raised against companies with insufficient website security that puts customers' financial information at risk, which means Watcher could find themselves facing a lawsuit if their streamer is hacked and credit card information is stolen.
So they will need to pay for systems administrators to not only build security for the streamer, but also maintain security for the streamer, because cyber attacks evolve each day and it is a constant battle against them. It is possible that whatever third party they partnered with to build the streamer for them bundled all this together (if that is the route they went), but either way, services like that do not come cheap -- and if they do, you are not getting a service of value.
So what this comes down to is that Watcher Entertainment has likely spent a ton of money they allegedly do not have to build this streamer, taking the "you have to spend money to make money" adage to the extreme. Their hope, near as I can tell, is that they will generate enough revenue from the streamer so that they will be able to recoup the cost of building and maintaining the streamer and generate profit. However, judging by the reaction from the fandom, I think that is unlikely.
As everyone knows, the reaction to this news has been abysmal. While some of the responses toward Steven and Ryan in particular have been racist vomit, I do think there are valid reasons for why this news has been received so poorly. These reasons include:
Watcher built hype for a week, with a countdown timer and everything, teasing an announcement as if it were a new show or similar "gift" to the fandom, when in reality it was the news that the fandom would now have to pay for content that was previously free.
Patreon subscribers are expected to continue paying the same amount, but for far less content than before. Access to the streamer is not included in the basic tier; they'll need to double their cash output.
Many fans are international fans who can't access the streamer at all without a VPN to switch their location to the United States. Even if they want to pay, they are barred from doing so, meaning that Watcher Entertainment is shutting a large portion of its fanbase out for the foreseeable future.
Watcher took a very patronizing tone with their audience in both the announcement video and their Patreon letter. In the announcement video, which was fourteen minutes long when the actual pertinent information took half that time to deliver (if that), they began with a long diatribe about their careers and how much YouTube meant to them, and how sad they were to leave it -- as if they had guns held to their head, and weren't making this decision of their own volition. This is condescending; it implies they believe their audience is stupid enough to believe they were backed into a corner and have no choice. In the Patreon letter, they had a line that read, "And part of that change includes a bit of news that will surely be met with some fits of sobs- we're bringing Watcher Weekly+ to a close. We know. We know." Again, this is patronizing language. They are talking down to their fans, and assuming their fans will be heartbroken by losing a behind scenes the video, or whatever Watcher Weekly+ is. This arrogant, condescending tone does not help soften the blow of being told they are going to pay the same amount of money for less content.
As you can see, the way that Watcher Entertainment executed the announcement that they would be moving future content behind a paywall was abysmal, and the fanbase reacted accordingly. Provided that the anger isn't empty and that the current fanbase sticks true to their word about not subscribing (either out of principle, location, or because they can't afford it), Watcher Entertainment has lost a huge chunk of expected revenue directly out of the gate. And it's possible that they expected this; they had to know they would be shutting out international fans (at least for a time, presumably) and that there would be fans who couldn't afford it. But it's possible that they felt that there would be enough fans to support and subscribe anyway (hence the arrogant tone about people sobbing over losing Watcher Weekly+; that attitude screams of "you're so devoted to us you will do whatever we ask no matter the cost"), and also that they would be able to pick up enough new fans that it would cushion the blow of losing old fans.
Here is where the next problem lies.
Watcher's current subscription model is $5.99/month or $60/year. If you go monthly, you end up paying $72 for the year, so the annual plan is the better deal by $12. When you compare pricing to other streaming services, this may not seem so bad at first; it's on par with DropoutTV, and it's cheaper than Netflix, Disney+, and other big names such as those.
The difference, though, is that all of those other streamers -- DropoutTV included -- have far more content than Watcher does, meaning that the customer (and keep in mind that we are customers, we are not friends, and truly we are not fans when we are paying them money for product from their business) gets more bang for their buck.
I have seen the argument from defenders of the streamer in fandom that say, "So you care about quantity over quality?" And this argument is flawed for several reasons:
There are plenty of quality TV shows on other streaming platforms. DropoutTV has Game Changer. Hulu has Schitt's Creek and Abbot Elementary. Peacock has The Office and Parks & Recreation, so on and so forth. Watcher Entertainment has good shows, but they are not the only good shows in the whole of the media industry. Dare I say, they aren't even the only good shows on YouTube.
While Watcher does produce shows of high quality, their shows have tiny seasons of only six episodes each, and their seasons are spaced out months apart. They also cancel their shows without warning or announcement, meaning fans can wait (and wait, and wait) for a new season of a show they like that will never come, because Watcher dropped the show and didn't bother making official word on it. If you go through Watcher's entire content library (which is easy to do even if you like all their shows, and even easier if you only have a handful of shows you enjoy), then you will be paying for a streamer that you do not use for months on end while you wait for the next batch of six episodes that you maybe want to see if, again, you don't like all of their shows. (I myself only follow five: Puppet History, Mystery Files, Too Many Spirits, Top 5 Beatdown, and Ghost Files.) That is money you have spent on a service you rarely use. In other words: money wasted.
That last point is particularly important when you consider that Watcher Entertainment hopes to draw new customers in to subscribe to their streamer.
Pretend, for a moment, that you have never heard of Ryan, Shane, or Watcher before. You are browsing YouTube, and you come across the season premier of season three of Ghost Files. You enjoy it, so you think, oh, I would like to view the rest of the season. You learn that the rest of the season is on a streaming service called WatcherTV, which only hosts series that Watcher themselves have produced. Their library is very small right now. New episodes for ongoing seasons are weekly, they only have one season airing at a time, new seasons have month long gaps between them. This service costs $60 a year annually, or $6 a month ($72 annually). You've never seen any of their other shows before, and while you could technically afford it, it's not as if money is no object to you. You'd likely have to give up a streamer that has a much, much larger selection of shows and movies you already know you like to give this one a shot. (This one that, mind you, doesn't work outside of your internet browser, so you can't watch it on your television either.)
Would you do it? Really put yourselves in the shoes of someone who has no familiarity at all with Shane, Ryan, Steven, or their shows before that moment. Would you choose to pay $60 for a streamer with low accessibility, and a tiny, infrequently updated library? Especially if it meant losing access to so much more?
It isn't just that numerical value of the price that makes it a bad move. It's the price relative to the product being offered. Watcher's own fans, who love their content, are fiercely divided over whether to subscribe, with many saying they won't. In what universe does someone who has never heard of Watcher sign up to pay them that much for so little offerings? Particularly when they'll only be advertising via YouTube, and infrequently at that given that they'll only be posting season premiers?
(And this is not getting into how they were originally going to pull all of their content before the backlash. Yes, they walked it back -- but not only did they say in the video that the content would only be live until May 31st, but the Variety article says that the company originally told Variety that they would be pulling content, only for Ryan to issue a statement saying they wouldn't do that after. Meaning, they walked that part back because that's the part they could walk back. They have undoubtedly sank far too much money into the streamer to back out of that now. It's way too late.)
Businesses need to make money. Steven, Ryan, and Shane are business owners who are trying to make their business profitable. But I believe that this was one of the worst ways to go about it. I'm not saying that I know exactly what they should have done instead. I don't have all the answers. But I do know that from the terrible execution of getting everyone excited only to tell them (in the most patronizing way possible) that they would now have to pay for a previously free service, to deciding to sink a bunch of money into a streamer that they seem to have done no market research on beforehand and that they don't have the content library to support, this absolutely seems like the wrong way. Moving their content to an existing streamer like Nebula would have been a better move, in my opinion. (And it would have prompted me to actually sign up for Nebula, since there are several video essayists I haven't followed there . . . but I would have followed Watcher, since it would give me access to Watcher content and the content of those video essayists I've been missing.)
But what's done is done. As I said, I think at this point Watcher Entertainment has jumped off the cliff and they didn't do so with a bungee cable. I don't think they can walk this back. I'll be interested in seeing if they succeed, but I have very strong doubts they will.
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Hello, and welcome to 'Thoughts on the Try Guys streaming platform thing', by basically the only remaining try guys dedicated account on Tumblr (I think (Also ignore I haven't changed my pfp after the controversy))
So, as I've said before, I think the guys really managed this very well when you compare today's video with Watcher's announcement from a few weeks back. They seem to be using the new streaming service as a fancier Patreon that you can subscribe to if you like the content and want more of it, plus the exclusive vids or extra stuff, but it doesn't seem like it's meant to replace the channel and leave the people who can't afford it behind. They are offering a lot of new shows, many of which they teased on the youtube channel. The little pilots were used not only to give us a taste of what 2nd Try will be like but also introduced the new cast members! (I guess it's apropiate now to call Johnny Cakes, Kwesi, Marissa and rest as Try Guys too?). I'm so so happy to see them now as main talent; they helped carry the new era of the channel for the last year and a half and deserve the recognition.
Hooowever, I will say this.
I feel like the way they are handling this transition (and, let's be frank, the reaction from the audience) would not have been the same without the Watcher TV announcement and its fallout.
In case you don't know: Zach and Keith told us there would be a BIG announcement around this time of year way back in December. In early May (I think) watcher announced their own streaming service and literally everybody hated it. In mid-may, on a random Wednesday, the try guys channel just? don't post anything? and it seems like a very last minute decision to not post a video when they have posted videos every Wednesday for years? And now, a week later, they announce their own streaming service (with a video that references Watcher's announcement, so we know it was filmed after that was posted).
We can only guess, of course. Nothing is confirmed. But it really seems like they were going, if not the same, a very similar route that Watcher was. This is why I struggle to give them that much credit for offering a better deal that the Ghoul boys did, since I don't think they would've taken the same decisions a month ago. I want to think they are good guys who understand that most people can't afford to pay for this and they wouldn't put ALL their content behind a pay wall. But if you asked me a moth ago, I would have told you that Ryan and Shane were incapable of that too.
So I guess I'm not sure how to feel lol.
(Also I know many watcher fans are kinda mad that the try guys are getting a better response that Watcher did and also that Keith and Zach referenced the Watcher.tv vid because they think it was shady.
Calm down. They're literally friends. I bet they know what's okay to joke about and what isn't. I even bet they spoke about this in the last few weeks. Calm. Down)
#and a reminder that english is not my first language so i bet there's lots of mistakes here#sorry#keith habersberger#the try guys#tagging watcher because i spoke about them a little and also just to be a little bit messy#tryguys#try guys#eugene lee yang#zach kornfeld#2nd try#watcher#re:watcher#i dont go here but i totally adore them
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A Blank Page, Torn From A Book Without Name
Well, I ended up trying to put the word salad in my head into actual, coherent words after all.
First of all, everything here is just my take on things. The theories and thoughts I've had on certain things. I don't think any of it is official, but if anything of it is, in fact, confirmed to be true or false, feel free to tell me!
Some of the panels were taken from a YouTube video, which I'll link at the bottom!
TW for: Human trafficking, dehumanization
Ok, so first things first, some of this stuff I've already written down a while back for writing reasons. I found some of my old notes, and noticed that, after rereading the panels, they make more sense than I previously thought.
Let's start here: what stands out the most to me isn't that he's in the desert, not even the ticket. No, it's the simple »[...] or even who I was«
Because who, indeed, is Sigma? Sigma does not have an identity. He has no history, no nothing. Just the clothes on his back, a ticket that seems to be useless and earrings, for some reason.
Without a name, you don't have an identity and without identity you don't have a name.
Then there is this, too:
»I gave myself a name. Sigma. A man of the casino«
I don't believe he had a name upon being created. I don't think he had one for a long time, because in the same panel that he mentions giving himself a name, he also mentions the casino- which came much, much later. Sigma existed for three years by the time the series started. However, the timeline is wonky as heck.
Because how long did he stay with the traffickers? How long was he on his own after escaping? How long ago did Fyodor find him? Questions upon questions, but since I've already mentioned the lack of a name and the traffickers, let's get to my thoughts on that, specifically:
»They captured and enslaved me« along with »And once they knew that I had a skill [...]« makes me wonder: how long did it take for them to find out?
I haven't researched anything about human trafficking, but it's basically slavery, from what I've gathered through the previous things I've heard and read. And he does say so himself, too.
Sigma, three days alive, spent his early life a slave. It's confirmed that he was shackled, seeing that he is wearing them in the panels.
(As a side note, I do believe that he has scars from the shackles around his wrist. He wears a tight, wrist-long turtleneck beneath his coat, and I think it's to hide the scars. Both from others and himself.)
His first human interaction was plain horrible. Did he know and understand that? Did he understand that this wasn't normal? I don't think he knew how wrong this was at first. I don't believe that he understood it immediately. If he didn't know who he was, why would he know that being treated like this is wrong?
I believe that he realized it at some point, but not as soon as it started. I think he lived like that for a while, thinking it was normal, before getting some sort of wake-up call. Perhaps through his ability, or a fellow prisoner. Maybe both, or neither.
He must've gotten whiplash, once people genuinely looked up to him when he was the manager at Sky Casino.
I also think that he, probably, does tend to forget that being treated like that is, in fact, not normal or okay. Our upbringing leaves some sort of mark on all of us, experiences define us, give us habits and a feeling of what's normal and what isn't.
Which means that his "normal" is skewed and he expects being used rather than kindness, probably even after learning that some people are genuinely kind. I'm guessing that his mindset is, due to that, a simple "If I'm alive I'm alright".
I don't think he'd complain about being treated wrong and or left behind, or admit when he's injured. Or at the very least attempt to keep it a secret as long as possible- especially from those he sees as authority figures.
However, I also think that he was isolated, as per this panel:
Not only the text, but also the background paint a picture that causes me to believe that.
I almost skimmed past this panel while making my analysis, before pausing and taking a closer look. I thought this was in Sky Casino at first, until I looked closer and realized three things:
1, the background does not match Sky Casino in the slightest
2, he isn't wearing shoes or his current outfit, but the old clothes he had when wandering the desert
3, the shadows aren't from the light of a window, they're bars from a cell
While I did believe before that the traffickers kept him isolated from others (due to wanting to keep him unaware of the wrongness of his situation as well as to make sure he doesn't learn things he should/other prisoners finding out things that Sigma got to know by accident), this sort of put the final nail in the coffin for me.
But, at some point, he did realize that it was wrong. Perhaps he'd had a bad feeling from the start. Maybe he hated being treated like this. Who knows? Point is, he escaped. This brings us back to this page:
»No matter how kind someone seemed, they used me and then tried to kill me for knowing too much«
Sigma, after escaping the traffickers, after escaping the life of a slave, probably still didn't know much about living.
And I firmly believe that Sigma is smarter than even he himself thinks. There's just one issue: Sigma is naive (at least in my eyes), and it's not even his own fault. He simply tried his best to survive, and what was the reason the traffickers kept him around? His ability, most likely.
Problem is that his ability truly is something people would love to exploit, and it seems as if they did. Which makes me believe that he has a talent for running into murderers thinking they're nice people, only to get a not-so-nice surprise.
»The last one to use me [...]«, this specific line is the reason why I believe Sigma to have been used a lot. We don't know how often, exactly, his ability was taken advantage of. But we know the latest person who did.
Fyodor was the last one to use him, which means that, at that point, he was probably used to it. Used to being treated like a pawn, and used to people trying to kill for knowing too much. And I believe that he was, quite plainly, exhausted.
Imagine, your entire life consists of being forced to aid others with crimes, with being shackled. You don't know the difference between working for someone and being used by someone.
If you were offered what you wanted most, wouldn't you accept, too? Even if you know that you're once again being used? I mean... this time around, you gain something for it. Doesn't that make it worth the risk?
It's a gamble Sigma took... and lost.
This page involves two quotes that give me pause:
»Don't you wish for a home?«
We don't know why or how he knows what a home and a family is, but he does. And he wants it. He says it was never within his reach. But it is perfectly clear to us, while reading the Sky Casino Arc, that he wants it. He wants a home and a family.
He'd rather sacrifice his own life than see Sky Casino fall. »Home« and »Family« are, to him, more important than staying alive. Because it's something he never had, and something he clings to. Simply because he doesn't have anything else.
»I, who was originally 'nothing'[...]«
Is the second line that makes me pause. Because like previously mentioned, Sigma was a slave with no name or identity of his own. We don't know when he found out about being created by the book (and I firmly believe that he found out one way or another), but I believe he didn't see himself as a human before, and this "confirmed" it for him.
Think about it, would traffickers care about their victims? Would they treat them as human beings? Call them by their name? What about a person who has no name to begin with?
He wasn't treated like a human being in the beginning, and thus considered himself nothing. Considered his home and "family" to be worth more than hid own life.
He was literally created from nothing. His story doesn't have a beginning. He has no memories prior to being created, he had no name nor identity. How his story will end is unknown. We don't know what's written on his page.
I believe this, combined with being with the traffickers, makes him doubt his humanity. Not only because he was created through the book, but also because for the first (months? Year?) of his life, he wasn't treated like a human.
His sense of self-worth is probably down in the dumps.
»In the end I never did understand what I was born for...«
I don't think he knows the details of his existence. The content of his page, the words that brought him into existence. He doesn't know why he was born/created. He doesn't know what things were predetermined.
He doesn't know what's real and what's just writing on a page.
Sigma, in three years of being alive, went through hell. He was enslaved, his ability was taken advantage of over and over, he was used by multiple people who all ended up trying to kill him and when he thought that he finally found a home? A family? It was taken away from him.
Genuinely, he needs a plate of cookies, a hug and a ton of therapy.
Anyway, I hope you enjoyed my little analysis and theories? I never did something like this before, so criticism is welcome!
Here's also the link to the video from which I got the screenshots: https://youtu.be/KwsSvFYAKjA?si=R_IvH-S8GYut_hrG
#sigma bsd#bungo stray dogs sigma#bungou stray dogs#sigma character analysis#sigma's backstory#character analysis#bsd theories#fan theories#ooc post#I had this title floating around but it matched literally none of the os I planned#so I used it for this#I also don't think he knew what hugs were and had to get used to them first#Also he's a self-sacrificial idiot (affectionately)#sigma headcanons#my headcanons
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ENAMORED (II)
Modern Hantengu clones X Reader
Featuring:
"Pissed Cubicle Worker" Sekido
"Depressed Programmer" Aizetsu
"That Guy in the Alley" Karaku
"Unfunny YouTube Prankster" Urogi
"Disappointed Grandpa" Hantengu
"Delinquent Middle Schooler" Zohakuten
"Possibly a Criminal" Akaza
●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●
You will NOT be shipped with Zohakuten or Hantengu because:
A.) One is an old man
B.) One is a young boy
Ty for your time 😌
fem!Y/N goes for her last job with Murata's Service Emporium 😢 but gets an interesting offer due to her *OUTSTANDING* work.
●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●
Hantengu.
You've heard of that household. They order some sort of cleaning service every month or so. Only, it's never been you that has gone before, so how exactly do you know about their service requests?
BECAUSE APPARENTLY THEY'RE FUCKING INSANE.
Some of the other employees have literally returned from the job crying.
WHICH INCLUDES, BUT IS NOT LIMITED TO TERRY THE GARDENER! A TALL, BUFF MAN!
WHAT DEMON IN THAT HOUSE IS MAKING A GROWN MAN CRY LIKE THAT? WHY DOES YOUR BOSS HATE YOU? WHY CAN'T YOU JUST CURL UP IN A BALL AND FOSSILIZE.
You sigh. A big sigh. A really, really long sigh.
If you had the heart to, you would've quit the moment your boss revealed he was going to fire you, only.. you knew it was like him to try and withhold your paycheck for the week if you did. Obviously, he can't do that if you've done your job on schedule for any amount of time, but you're not gonna jump through flaming hoops just to stick it to the guy.
Easier to just get this over with.
You grab your supplies and load your car.
Yes, they make you use your own transport for this job. No, they don't pay for gas.
Maybe losing this job won't be so bad after all.
Starting up the map on your phone, you type in the adress of this demon house and get ready to be very fucking miserable for however long you spend there.
The clouds are grey this morning, as they are every morning, but this morning is different. Maybe it's because you fell down two flights of stairs. Maybe it's because you held some handsome guy's hand this morning when he helped you up. Maybe it's because you literally just got fired like 10 minutes ago. But something is different.
○○○○○
Unbeknownst to you, in the opposite lane of traffic, Sekido is screaming at the cars infront of him.
Nevermind, it's not just Sekido. In some strange sort of... brotherly bonding ritual, both Sekido and Zohakuten are screaming at the car infront of them (which is going the speed limit).
"WHY WON'T YOU PRESS YOUR DAMN GAS? THERE ARE PEOPLE OUT HERE WITH JOBS AND SHITHEADS WITH SCHOOL! 20 ABOVE THE LIMIT NEVER KILLED ANYBODY!"
"...Sekido, I think 20 above the limit has killed people. BUT THOSE PEOPLE WERE GOING TOO DAMN SLOW!"
Sekido's grey minivan pulled up to the school. Zohakuten grabbed his bag and opened the door, but was stopped by a hand on his shoulder.
"...Zohakuten."
Red eyes met his, and he felt slightly uncomfortable at how calm Sekido was managing to be.
"....what."
"....one day."
"wha–"
"One day without doing some stupid shit to get sent home or to the principal's office. If you do, I'll... I don't fucking know, have the gods come down and kiss you on the nose one by one. Just be good. Ok?" He said, almost in a... defeated tone.
Zohakuten, for a moment, was dumbfounded. Had Aizetsu taken over Sekido's body? Was this some sort or trick? Who did he think he was? It's not his fault he'll never use this crap again. Nor is it his fault that some of the kids are little shitheads.
Instead of saying all this, out of respect for Sekido's effort to be *nice*
(Literally, beads of sweat were beginning to form on Sekido's face, and he looked constipated)
....he nodded.
"Okay. I want ice cream after school."
And shut the car door.
Sekido was left by himself, face immediately breaking back into that scowl he wore so well.
"Fucking ice cream. I might as well get him a horse and a spaceship while I'm servicing His Majesty. Seriously, how hard is it not to throw desks?"
○○○○○
Your car stopped infront of a mansion.
Maybe not a mansion, but.. it was something.
A three story house with 2 vehicles in front (AND A MOTORCYCLE?). However, the only decorations in front were a little knome and a set of windchimes. You could also faintly hear "Barbie Girl" playing from somewhere in the home.
At the very least, it was... a flattering home. The outside didn't look too bad, but you were at least slightly concerned about the inside.
You knocked on the door, cleaning supplies in hand.
"Murata's Service Emporium!"
The door creaked open slightly, before opening to reveal a rather handsome, dark-skinned man in nothing but a towel and.... a face mask and hair curlers.
His eyes were a deep emerald green, a complete contrast from his skin that you were HERE FOR.
He looked you up and down, before turning his attention back into the house. "Aizetsu! Your escort is here!"
Immediately your face turned red. "Wha- did you not hear what I said when I knocked!?"
He raised a brow at you.
"Service Emporium?"
Oh.
That actually sounds pretty bad when taken out of context.
"...okay, but why would I be holding all of these cleaning supplies?"
He looked down at you again.
"I don't know what freaky stuff Aizetsu's into, okay? Are you coming in or not?" He huffed.
You reluctantly waddled in and set your things down.
Oh my.
It was a disaster.
The dishes were piled sky-high, the floor SEVERELY UN-VACUUMED... you had work to do.
Another man, almost identical to the one who opened the door, approached you in a rush. His eyes, though, were blue, and significantly more lifeless than the guy before him.
"I'm sorry.. I am Aizetsu. As you can see, our house is a disaster... sorry."
And he walked away.
THAT WAS ALL HE HAD TO SAY?
WAS HE EVEN GOING TO PAY YOU?
HE'S JUST GONNA LEAVE?
You were starting to understand the struggle.
○○○○○
The camera lens was clean. The audio was crisp. In his browser "solt jasz musuc backgriund" was playing.
Everything was perfect.
And now, out of his room once again, was the legendary, the one and only, greatest failed theater kid of all time..
Urogi!
And he was ready. Ready to bamboozle this busy, strangely attractive woman that wandered her way into his home. Ready. But she wasn't.
Which is what made it good content.
And good content -> motorcycle upgrades.
Which he wanted.
Very badly.
So there he was, creeping up behind you, four cans of silly string in one hand, a camera in the other.
You, on the other hand, were almost finished up here. You cleaned in and out, over and under, anywhere you could. The dishes were dried and put away, and everything was soon to be in order. The only task you had left was to sweep the kitchen. A relatively easy job. After that, you could get out of here, and... you didn't have a job to go to.
Hadn't thought of that in a while.
But there wasn't any time to think about it when you heard something being set on the counter behind you. You turned around, only to be met with a man leaping at you.
Naturally, you dodged out of the way, dropping the broom and hooking your attacker around the neck, locking him in a chokehold. All was well until a flurry of colors came flying toward you into your hair and eyes.
Immediately you were overpowered, your key sense being obstructed. You were pushed over near the sofa, being sprayed relentlessly with some sort of squishy string-like material.
You were quick to recover, and reached up to what you assumed to be the sofa, taking off one of the pillows and swinging wildly at your attacker. Terrifying laughter was heard from above you, and you overturned them until you had them in prime suffocating position. Moments into your retaliation, you pulled some of the strange material off of your face, only to see the face of both people you met earlier. Except this one had yellow eyes.
You paused in your struggle with him, both of you huffing and puffing like you were about to blow someone's house away.
He stared up at you, and you stared down at him, before your gaze flickered up to the counter, only to see a camera placed there and aimed directly at the two of you.
Footsteps distracted you from this realization.
"Aizetsu? Your escort got loose. I think she got confused. Did you not tell her about being a quad?" It was the green-eyed man, back with his bunny slippers and some actual clothes, but no hair curlers or face masks.
"IM NOT A PROSTITUTE!" You snapped at him, smacking the man under you again with the pillow for good measure.
"Why the hell is there a woman on top of Urogi? Why are you just watching, Karaku? You sick fuck.."
Another voice was heard, deeper and more gruff than the rest. You looked up, and saw another man identical to all three of the others! Unlike his counterparts, this one had blood-red eyes.
"What's going on? Are you all siblings?" You said, before mentally face-pamling. Of course they're all siblings. What else would they be?
"Of course we're siblings. What else would we be? Idiot." The red-eyed man growled, before hanging his keys and stomping off to who knows where.
The man under you tapped on your forehead.
"...can I get up?"
You rolled your eyes at him, delivering another smack with the pillow before getting off of him. "You don't just sneak up on some unsuspecting person like that!" You scolded, but he didn't listen. He was already busy fiddling with his camera.
You pinched the bridge of your nose, mumbling a slew of curses before going to pick up the broom.
"So clean, so clean! It looks like this house is brand new! Where are they? The cleaner? Where are they?" A labored, weak voice sounded from the hallway. An old man appeared, and hobbled toward you. You tried backing away, but it was no use, as he grabbed your face to examine you.
"Lovely girl, lovely girl! Cleaned up everything perfectly! You're the angel who cleans up my grandsons' mess every month, are you? Lovely girl!" His voice was trembling, as were his hands.
He must be talking about the company. But before you have time to explain, he cuts you off.
"I wish to hire you, lovely girl! Lovely girl! You can live in my home, in the spare room! You can clean up and teach my grandsons how to behave! Will you? Don't leave an old man like me helpless. Their mother isn't around to teach them to behave, will you? Lovely girl?"
Your eyes widened at the offer. "..hire? Like, for money?"
The old man laughed. Well, he tried, but it came out as a cough. "For housing? Food? Anything you'd like?"
"....and for money?"
"...yes, I'll pay you weekly."
You needed time to recollect your thoughts! Living here, with unknown people? Cleaning! More cleaning!
But at least you'd have a roof over your head, and food, and 'whatever you'd like' whatever that was. And you'd even have your own money on the side. Maybe you could save for a house? To go back to school?
At that point, only Karaku and the old man were left in the room, eyes trained on you. Karaku's lips broke into a smile. He knew what your answer was going to be.
"..I'll do it."
#kny#demon slayer#kimetsu no yaiba#kimetsu no yaiba x reader#kny x reader#kny aizetsu#aizetsu#kny sekido#sekido#kny karaku#karaku#kny urogi#demon slayer urogi#urogi#urogi x y/n#urogi x you#urogi x reader#sekido x reader#sekido x you#aizetsu x you#aizetsu x reader#karaku x reader#karaku x you
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