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artemismoorea03 · 10 months

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DP x DC: Original Serial Adopter

When Bruce adopted Dick Grayson the Media was in a frenzy. The billionaire and playboy adopting an orphan after some kind of freak circus accident? Nobody expected it to last more than a month. The media called this action an "Act of Charity".

Then a few years later he adopted Jason Todd. Jason was much more scrappy and after a while some media started calling him the "Wayne Stray".

When he took in Tim after Jason's "accident" they called Tim a rebound. But instead of a relationship Tim was just being used to fill the void that Jason left. The media eventually called him "Jason Todd's replacement."

The media got much more suspicious when Bruce adopted Cassandra and crossed lines with their speculations that resulted in a lot of lawsuits. Though nobody in Wayne's circles believed the rumors for a second, so rumors were wiped out pretty quickly. The least offensive of these things called Bruce a "Bleeding Heart" when the media saw the scars Cassandra had.

Stephanie was never officially adopted - at least legally - but anybody who saw her with the family knew that Bruce had adopted her as a daughter. Like Cassandra she got some negative comments but they learned after the first time. "Another Wayne Joins The Manor".

When Damian came into the picture the media exploded. Comments along the lines of "The Bastard Child" which made Bruce's blood boil but kept quiet. Damian had only known violence and aggression growing up, and while his mother loved him she had exposed him to a life he didn't need to see. Bruce wasn't about to make everything worse by loosing it on the media for being jackasses.

When he fostered Duke the media exploded again. Showing the ugly side of human ignorance but Bruce and Duke were both able to ignore it (while Tim and Oracle found ways to rip every person apart who dared make a comment against them).

Bruce didn't care what they said, because at the end of the day he had children who he loved with all of his heart and was learning to do the best for. Sure, he made plenty of mistakes but he tried to learn from his mistakes.

Though the rumor about Bruce being a "Serial Adopter" was one that would be one that would never leave him.

But he had to learn it from somewhere.

A fact that was ignored until Alfred showed up back to the manor after a shopping trip with a scrawny child walking hesitantly behind him, carrying some of the groceries'. He was prime "adoption bait". Underweight, messy black hair, blue eyes that were just a bit too blue, and bruises that were in view despite the kids best attempt to cover them with his hoodie.

A large hand print bruise around his neck, scraped knuckles, and a bruise peeking out from under his hairline might as well have been ink in the pen that Bruce was going to use to sign that kids adoption papers and sign the receipt for the shovel he would buy to bury the bastards responsible.

After the groceries were put away Alfred properly introduced the kid. His name was Danny and after a series of unfortunate events while Alfred was shopping Danny had been forced to jump in and help him. Bruce thought that maybe Alfred had been in danger and never called them but when it became clear that luck just wasn't on his side and that he was never in danger for anything despite being late it made Bruce even more concerned about the teen that currently was eating his third apple as though he had never eaten anything in his life.

He stayed small, stayed silent, looking around the room anxiously. He clearly kept tabs on every window. Every door. Every exit but hardly paid any attention to the valuables. He was scared but not a thief.

Finally they have to ask about Danny's injuries. Was he safe at home? Did he have a place to stay? Why was he so thin? Did he need them to call somebody.

Danny was quiet for a long time.

"I don't have a home to go to. The bruises are fine, I'm just clumsy. I don't need a place to stay. Thanks for the food and the hospitality but... I don't feel like being kidnapped and tortured by another millionaire so if Alfred doesn't need anything else I should go."

Danny tried to get up and move, the pain obvious but before anybody could say anything else Alfred simply said.

"Sit."

Danny hesitated, then sighed and sat down again.

"You promised you would allow me to treat you before you left. I am a man of my word so as soon as you finish your apple I will bandage your wounds and you will be free to leave if you wish."

Classic Alfred trap.

One that worked flawlessly.

Fresh bandages, a full stomach, warm clean clothes and a cup of hot chocolate on the comfortable couch in the living room was all it took to lull the injured teen to sleep.

Alfred continued this trend for three more days managing to trick Danny into helping him with minor tasks around the manor, offering him another meal because he 'made too much and didn't want to waste it' and countless other things.

It wasn't until day four when Danny seemed to accept his fate and allowed them to help him. Which prompted Cass to point at Alfred.

"Original Serial Adopter."

Making the entire table laugh while Danny just looked increasingly confused.

#dp x dc prompt #my prompts #dc x dp prompt

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girl-failure · 1 month

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Transwoman needs answers

this isnt an easy post to write and it's going to be full of info about me that's personal and embarassing but I am desperate for answers and assitance so please bear with me. Long story short, im almost 3 years hrt (may 19th will be exact) and it's like nothing has changed. More info under the cut.

I'm going to try and explain everything to the best of my memory, but exact dosages and stuff might be fuzzy and inexact. I began HRT on May 19th 2021, when I was 22. I took one and a half 2mg pills, twice (morning and night) daily. I took them sublingually. I was also prescribed Spironolactone, though the exact dose escapes me (i remember it was 1 pill nightly). I had only come out as trans in the December the previous year, so i considered myself unfathomably lucky to get to start so soon. I had done this through informed consent at a planned parenthood and was excited by the possibility of a future where my own body didn't make me want to die. The idea of changing my body gave me a feeling of control in my life that had been entirely absent until that point. I knew I wanted all the help I could get with breast development (the women in my immediate family are well endowed) and I had read & heard from other trans women that prog could help, but I'd have to wait to ask for it.

I think it was on December 15, 2021, I was officially prescribed 100 progesterone nightly. At this point I had began to notice softer skin, lighter hair, the few bits of acne left over from high school had gone entirely, and the inklings of breasts beginning to form. My libido had all but dissipated entirely at that point, but I was told (mostly by other trans women) it would come back, especially after starting prog, and that my body would likely experience pleasure differently, and that my orgasm would be very different. The fat from my stomach (i wasn't overweight or underweight, i was pretty average for a man my height, but I did have a masculine stomach I despised) hadn't relocated at all, but I knew HRT wasn't a sprint, but a marathon, and I had a long way to go. This continued for a long time, eventually i would be bumped up to two 2mg of E (sublingual pill) twice daily (8mg total), and my Spiro would change to 200mg a day EDIT: My Spiro dosages did fluctuate, though again I don't recall the exact dosages, (I initially got it confused with my prog dosage, sorry), though there was the occasional few week period where I'd be bumped back down to one and a half E pills because I had timed my blood-work poorly. It had been a while since starting HRT and I was starting to worry. My libido never came back, I was unable to feel the sensation of pleasure entirely, my breasts & nipples never became sensitive or had growth pains, and my breasts really hadn't grown at all. My stomach still made me feel awful and masculine because fat continued to pile up there instead of in the feminine places I was told and led to believe it should!!! I was scared and frightened and upset. I'd say I developed an eating disorder but my eating was already disordered. I was afraid of food. Afraid it'd just make me look manly, instead of going to my hips/waist/whatever and breasts like it was supposed to. I began to feel like the hrt that was supposed to save my life was just making me feel worse.

On October 23rd, 2023, I finally started seeing a doctor again after 9 years of not being able to afford it, and only then because a parent got insurance through their work. I was officially prescribed Estradiol Valerate (.3mL intramuscular, and the bottle itself is 20mg/mL) , and quit Spiro outright. Now that I was talking to a doc, especially one who had been working with trans people in my area for years, I was starting to have hope again that maybe injections would solve my problems. After all, they're supposed to be more powerful right? Well after some blood-work revealing that my T levels were so low they were undetectable, we started fiddling with my injection dosages. I went down to .25mL. Nothing changed. I went down to .2ml. Nothing changed. I stayed at .2mL and was prescribed a med called EstraTest (.625mg E and 1.25mg T), a single pill which has both E and T in it, to try and raise my T levels back to measurable levels and hopefully find that golden ratio of E and T where maybe my body will start working again and start changing. But that brings us today. I still don't feel any sensation of pleasure (masturbating is pointless, intimacy just feels like I'm disappointing my partner), let alone a female orgasm (which as embarrassing as it is to admit, I was really looking forward to), my nipples still don't get sensitive and my chest doesn't get sore or get growing pains. My breasts look the same way they did 4 months into hrt. I've still had practically no fat redistribution, though I've gotten better about eating and not being afraid of food. I'm even beginning to notice my acne slowing starting to come back. I feel like I'm losing my mind. Why has nothing worked? Why does it feel like I'm regressing? I lost my health insurance earlier this week, and I can't afford to see my doctor again with my dumb pizza delivery job, so I haven't been able to ask to try anything more drastic to try and fix these issues. My current theories are that maybe my body is just more resistant to E? Which would be awful, but might be handled by just tripling my dose or something? Or

that my receptors are fried, and that the only solution would be to stop taking my HRT for a while (maybe even a long while). I pray that isn't the case, because I'd sooner off myself then let my body regress any further.

So this is a call for help. If anyone has any idea what could be causing these problems for me, or knows how I might be able to fix them, PLEASE let me know. I've lost hope in having a future as a woman, or even just feeling apathy towards my body (instead of intense self-loathing) at this point.

Here's my ca$happ if anyone wants to throw some money my way and maybe I'll be able to see the doctor again. cash.app/$occultChloe

#trans #transgender #trans woman #help #please help #trans crowdfund #trans fundraiser #mtf hrt #hrt #hormones

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crookedkryptonitebeliever · 5 months

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I wonder like what does Yves like to eat? Does he prefer sweet foods? Savory? Salty? Etc?

I could also imagine that he would change his darlings food cravings and wants with his reality bending if they are lacking a certain vitamin or mineral.

TW: eating disorders, gore and nasty horrible rich people stuff like making people their toilets or something, sexual harassment and human trafficking

He has expensive taste, the palate of a stereotypical rich person. It doesn't matter if the dish is sweet or savory, it must be made from scratch from the freshest produce the market can offer. He prefers to eat his own cooking as he can easily control what goes into it.

Yves has an intense aversion to strong-tasting foods, not because he can't handle the pungent aroma of garlic or other spices; he used to eat boxes upon boxes of takeout, fast food, and convenience meals.

It's because he associated them with the decades he spent struggling to find his footing in this world. They were cheap, accessible, and definitely not something he would willingly put in his body despite knowing it probably wouldn't affect him greatly in any way now.

Foods that are greasy, overly salty, processed to unrecognizable heights, and contain a barrel's worth of sugar are foods that Yves has a strong disdain for. He very much prefers eating foods that are steamed, boiled, or baked with minimal amounts of oil, salt, and sugar. His cooking is definitely still flavourful, it's mostly simple but it has a quality that makes it lavish and 'clean'.

Yves wasn't always like this though. Just like most humans, he started off hating his vegetables and fruits, yearning for junk and other vices. His previous cravings are only exacerbated by the stressful life that he lived, to no one's surprise, he wasn't always in the best shape. Or the best state of mind.

He knows what it was like to live in a severely unhealthy body on both ends of the spectrum. Yves was both a hundred pounds overweight and a hundred pounds underweight, neither phase was fun at all and it just made his life much harder than it was supposed to be.

Yves sobbed hysterically when he failed to stop himself from eating an entire 5-pound chocolate cake to cope with his emotions, then promptly threw up everything afterward on the dingy floor of his dilapidated rental. He was too familiar with the feeling of his two fingers pushing his uvula as deep as he could so he could empty his stomach into the toilet bowl, to the point that the off-white ceramic was painted red. Yves knew what half-eaten hamburgers covered in god-knows-what, found in dumpsters taste like. He knew what ingredient in candies to look for that aided him in vomiting, he tried all the slimming teas, laxatives, and enemas. Yves had his favorite brands.

Yves vividly remembers how he would be out of breath just by standing up, how his joints felt like it was about to give out at any moment. The bruises he received from merely sitting on certain types of chairs, the horrible chafing that led to nasty, debilitating infections because he didn't have the means to receive medical attention, the humiliation, and degradation, painful and permanent swellings, the increased frequency of sexual groping that usually led to something much worse, overheating in a flesh suit that he cannot just remove, the cruel loneliness, the desperation for food when he doesn't even have a single cent left to his name, his reflection and more revolting memories.

He remembers all of it. He remembers the broken bones that were forced to heal on their own, bleeding orifices leaking with excrement due to his abuse of weight-losing drugs, articles of clothing ruined by his own feces and vomit, the obsession over the number on his scale, the shivering even at scorching temperatures, locks of his hair clogging the drain, fainting spells that cost him his meager wages for the week, the taste of his own stomach acid still lingers on his tongue, his "friends" who were equally as ghoulish calling Yves a fat pig and incessantly oinking at him for finishing a whole apple by himself, being unable to chew properly because his teeth were eroded, being unable to fight back because he was just that weak, fingers that looked like it belonged to a rotting corpse, his reflection, the hunger, the hunger, the hunger...

And in both chapters of his life, one thing stayed constant. The infamous, deep-fried, saturated, tastebud-abusing slop served to the disadvantaged masses.

So please do forgive him when he gives you a blank look for an uncomfortable while when you eat a crispy fried chicken leg in front of him. He didn't mean to give the plate of french fries on the table a long, dull stare before digging in like any other normal person; with a lot more elegance. Yves just had a few memories pass through his mind, that's it.

Not to say that he will act like it's the end of the world to eat the food that he hates. You wouldn't know that he despised them unless he told you, Yves would have eaten it without complaint and hesitation, expressing his gratitude to you for getting these for him. He doesn't wear his heart on his sleeve, after all.

Yves understands that his experience doesn't necessarily reflect yours, he has no issue with you eating garbage foods in moderation. You will have cravings, it's simply something humans like you have to deal with. He will still agree to have a date or two at a fast-food joint even if he detests the griminess and classlessness of it all, as long as it makes you happy to see him 'enjoying' himself too. Of course, he would attempt and succeed at making healthier alternatives at home.

If you're craving something that is missing many of the key nutrients but it's not harmful to your health, he would fortify it with the needed vitamins or minerals. You couldn't even tell the difference, but your body will.

He will have a massive problem if you exhibit the same symptoms his younger self had. Yves will plant his foot firmly on the ground, he wouldn't even talk to you about it. He goes straight to rewiring your brain without even thinking if Yves noticed your struggles. You would find yourself one day 'cured' of whatever complex you had with food, baffled but grateful, brushing it off as something trivial although it is anything but.

You might notice that the fridge always has at least one tin of sturgeon caviar on a block of ice. You deduced that his favorite food is caviar, but you might not truly know why.

He isn't stingy with it. Yves told you that you are welcome to eat as much as you want (within reason, it has a ridiculously high sodium content). Whether you like eating it or not, it was astonishing that he could replace it as soon as it's finished despite needing to pay an exorbitant amount for a container the size of your palm.

And he associated that overpriced spoonful of fish eggs with the dawn of a new era and the end of his horror-filled years. His life wasn't perfect when he first tried it, far from it actually. He still gets assaulted, spat on, molested, and insulted straight to his face, more so due to his new career as a budding fashion model. But it was a change, an overall positive change.

Despite first trying it at a mansion owned by a syndicate of influential Oligarchs who hire conventionally beautiful people and commit unspeakable acts against them, caviar became a symbol of hope. Yves, disheveled, drugged beyond belief, and covered in bruises, cuts, and disgusting fluids, managed to slip out of the room where the torture happened. His own disorganized thoughts drowned out the screams of his colleagues and the cheers of the rich, Yves was on a mission.

He somehow maneuvered his way through the hallways without being detected by staff or other members, finding his way to one of the private chambers. It was occupied an hour ago, as shown by the mildly displaced chairs and empty crystal glasses.

Even under the influence of substances, his first instinct wasn't necessarily to run away. It was to rob them of everything they had, watches, jewelry, shoes, bags- anything he could get his sticky hands on. God, he so badly wanted to own their wardrobe. The rings looked dazzling on his fingers, and the purses fit right around his arm.

Then his bloodshot, dilated eyes landed on the glass table.

An open bottle of champagne half filled; in Yves's eyes, half-empty. A tray with something he only heard of, but never seen. A tin filled with numerous, tiny black spheres accompanied by a plate of Blinis and an intricate bowl of creme fraiche, and a couple of lemon wedges.

His hands trembled as he stumbled towards the glistening set. These are what the rich and powerful eat. He thought to himself. Yves didn't understand the fondness towards these. Tastewise, he didn't find anything particularly exciting or great. Statuswise...

For a minute, just a mere minute, Yves felt like he was at the top of the world. Yves ate what his 'masters' ate.

It didn't matter that he got caught after, it didn't matter he was made an example of by being urinated in front of an audience, beaten unconscious, and had a skull fracture. For a moment, he was their equal. And this will be the last time he will be disrespected to this level.

He escaped with enough stolen goods to buy his way out of his hell.

And he stole a coveted tin of caviar for himself.

#yandere #yandere x reader #yandere oc #yandere male #yandere concept #tw yandere #yandere x you #yandere oc x reader #male yandere oc x reader #oc yves #tw gore #tw sa #tw dead dove #tw eating issues #yea i kno its a simple qurstion about his likes n dislike of food #but i simply gotta seize da chance to expand on his lore #yves is basically a mary sue with literally every tragic backstory ever

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widow-writer · 26 days

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There's something about the fire within her...

Tw: sexual assault, talks and implications of past abuse, details of murder to men who needed to die.

Fire in her eyes

Natasha has seen the worst of the worst. Her work not only as a spy, but as an avenger allowed her to see the real tragedies that terrible people caused. She had also been trained by the red room, an establishment set to train the strongest young girls to kill and to kill the weaker girls and assess their weaknesses to improve.

She hadn't disregarded the red room but she knew the moment it crashed down that she was going to be the savior for so many young widows who were killing under the control of a person who was now dead. She knew she would likely get attached to some of them but what she had yet to learn could potentially hurt her worse than any injury.

It was nearly a month after she had finally eliminated the red room that she met her first widows. They were around the ages of 10 and 13. One girl was tall with dark red hair braided tightly. The other was shorter and had a blonde bob that was very wavy.

It was a fight getting them exposed to the gas, but when they were freed it was even harder for these girls to trust Natasha.

"it's ok. I promise I'm here to help you." Natasha whispered kneeling. Allowing herself to get on their level.

Both girls allowed the elder woman to lift them up and carry them. One on either hip, they were so severely underweight that it was easier than it should have been.

Upon the arrival of these widows to the stark facilities Natasha led them in holding their hands that were covered in dirt and mud. Immediately she showed them where the bathroom was and allowed them to go take a bath while she finished their bedroom. The last touch was simply making their beds. Everything else was done.

Once both girls had taken a shower, she sat with them and detangled their hair while watching a movie. When Natasha braided the redhead's hair back up, the redhead spoke for the first time since she had been found

"can you do something different please? I don't like my hair like this," she said she sounded so timid and scared of Natasha as if she'd hurt her

"Of course my darling," Natasha said gently undoing the braid and beginning to work on doing a secure Celtic hairstyle she had learned. It was three smaller braids tied back into a ponytail with the rest of her loose hair.

"thank you," the girl said.

"anytime, can you tell me your name?" Natasha asked

"I don't know. I was always referred to as my number 62339" she said

"me too, I was 2723" the blonde said, less timid but still extremely quiet and fearful.

"well how would you like to choose your names? I can choose if you'd prefer but I think you should choose." Natasha told

"I've always liked the name Avery," the blonde said.

"is that what you want to be called? Avery," Natasha said watching the blonde nod seeming to come out a little more confident. Maybe she hadn't had as bad a treatment as her redhead friend or she was just less impacted.

"what about you dear? You look like a Maddy to me." Natasha suggested trying to give her ideas.

"No!" The redhead squeaked, "not that. I like misty" she said.

"ok misty. But Why did you react so quickly to Maddy" natasha asked curious as to the odd reaction.

"that's what he called me." Misty said.

"who dear?" Natasha asked now concerned for her girls wellbeing.

(TW: please read triggers and read at your own risk)

"t-the men. They were in the red room. When I was there they would pull me out of training sessions to go alone to an empty room or closet and they would touch me in places. Places I didn't want to be touched." Misty explained trying to keep her voice level and will her tears away.

Natasha was silent. She was shocked that there were monsters who would do this to a little girl.

"did you also get pulled out Avery?" Natasha asked

"yeah. If I wasn't fast enough at picking up the techniques I would get pulled out and a guard would take a cane, belt, wooden spoon, and paddle and beat me with it. Thirty licks of each, the spoon and paddle stayed on softer, more meaty parts like my legs. The cane would be my legs and back, and the belt would be anywhere he felt like hitting. My legs, my back, my sides and stomach." Avery said.

Natasha knew there were still men who survived the red rooms downfall. She would find them, and kill them. She now had two young lives to care for and she was going to give those men what they deserved for hurting her girls.

"Don't worry girls, they will never hurt you again." Natasha told, "For now, I'm going to set up some cots for you two to get some rest. I have to go talk to my friends and other avengers for a little. Well be in the kitchen, which is just down the hall."

Natasha set up the cots with a fluffy pillow and a cozy blanket on each. Both girls got cozy and Natasha left them be.

When Clint saw Natasha emerge from her bedroom and come out he saw a fire in her eyes. A fire unlike any other, it was fury. A sheer need to hurt the people who hurt the ones she loves.

"Spider, what's going on? Clint asked concerned.

"I freed two orphaned girls today. I decided against sending them to a shelter or putting them in the foster care system, so I am going to care for them. They're both around 10-12 I'm not sure just yet. But there are men alive that abused those girls. And I need to find them, kill them, and burn them." Natasha told

"Ok. I will put that on the mission list for this coming week, but you need to stay here for a couple days to get these girls adjusted to being here before you leave to serve justice." Clint told "I know how you are, but trust me on this one, those firls need yoy most right now. They're in a new place with people they've never met being treated far better than what they're used to."

"I know Clint. I had planned to stay. I'm going to clean up the spare bedroom for them and get them all set up before I leave." Natasha tells

That night Natasha was gone. Both of her girls slept soundly, assured they were safe.

The fire in Natasha burned far brighter than any other fury. She was determined that both men would die before sunrise. And she would be back at the tower by daylight. Upon Avery and Misty retelling their traumas, Natasha immediately knew who was behind them.

A man named Adam shoskovich and another named Alexander shoskavani. Both men were supposedly laying low in a hotel complex in the states. Little did Natasha know that five minutes of research and about an hour of scanning through security footage from across the city would result in her finding out these two men were in the hotel complex down the street from her favorite bakery a block away from the tower. It seems she could pissibly be done with this before 3 am.

She rigged a sniper atop a building that overlooked the hotel. She had long since cut the cameras so no footage would be caught of her commiting the murders. She was in all black and had even opted to cover her face with a mask that also hid part of her hair. she had gone blonde but had since grown it out and this mask hid the blonde which right now was an extremely identifying feature to Natashas profile.

She looked through the scope and aimed at her first target. It seemed to her luck both were in the same hotel room and there were no other people in the room with them. They were sitting ducks.

One moment later and Alex was dead. Another and Adam followed. She looked through the scope and assured herself that both shots hit right in the middle of the forehead and went through to the back of the skull.

She disappeared and in the shadows changed into a white shirt and green leggings. She removed the mask and to make her look sleepy tossed her hair to create the illusion of having laid on it.

She entered a local ice cream store that stayed open at night and got herself a scoop of peanut butter swirl ice cream. She left and walked back to stark tower just before 3 am. She sat in the dim living room and ate her ice cream and fell asleep after she set the empty paper cup down. Now they were safe.

When Natasha arose the next morning she was greeted with the smiles of her girls. Misty and Avery were safe now, Natasha could rest and enjoy her girls.

Clint saw how soft and easy Natasha's body language was. Definitely not a sign of murder. But Natasha was different. She was tense when Clint finally went to bed, if she had followed his plan to make a course of action shed still be tense. But she's relaxed and calm. She had to have done something.

"you killed them didn't you?" Clint asked after Natasha had shooed the girls off to get their shoes for a little shopping trip.

"I did, they deserved it though. They hurt my babies," Natasha argued.

"nobody saw?" Clint asked

"not a soul. I'm a Russian spy dear, we can do anything without being see or caught." Natasha grinned

"of course you can," Clint sighed

Hope you enjoy ❤️

#marvel #natasha romanoff #avengers endgame #black widow #bruce banner #captian america #clint barton #hawkeye #hulk #infinity war

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brightgnosis · 3 months

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I was talking to @beneathfrenzy yesterday about everything that's been bothering me lately- but especially my weight gain.

My issue isn't that I'm "fat" again. For the first time in my life, I actually feel neutral about "being fat"; there isn't that ED voice in the back of my head screeching at my like a Harpy, like there has been my whole life- having constantly had my body poked and prodded and scrutinized; first being chronically underweight as a child, not hitting puberty until my Junior year of High School, and then suddenly being "too voluptuous" and being judged as promiscuous and everything else that comes with solid (obnoxiously German) bones (as my Bio Mother would say).

It's the fact that I can no longer access my own body. There is now all of this ... Extra mass in my way that drags me down, holds me in place, and ultimately prevents me from moving in all of the ways I am used to. And it is so frustrating not being able to access your own body anymore. Especially when you're disabled, and you already have so much wrong with your body in the first place. It just complicated things and makes it worse.

Not only can I no longer access my own body, but the constant need to buy new clothing- and being forced to buy incredibly cheap fast fashion at that, because my weight has been increasing so rapidly that I can't afford to keep up with quality clothing ... It's distressing! It sucks! It makes you feel like shit; no matter how good your relationship with your body is, it's horrible to buy a skirt one week and then turn around the next and find that you suddenly can't fit in it anymore. Especially when you love the skirt.

But then I feel guilty about that, too — about the hatred it makes me feel not only being disabled in my early 30's, but also being fat again on top of it ... Because being fat again is a good thing for me! It means that my body is no longer literally starving to death anymore from untreated Gastroparesis; it means that we figured out the true cause of what was keeping me from digesting my food and forcing me to vomit it all up for 7+ years, and that my body is finally getting all of the nutrients it needs.

I know that my body is still panicking right now; that it did spend 7 years grasping desperately for nutrients, deficient in nearly every damned vitamin under the sun, and inflamed to the nearest freaking Volcano and back. And I know that now that it's finally getting all those nutrients, it's hanging onto everything that it can with an iron grip, because it's terrified of it happening again. Because that's what our bodies do when they're traumatized like that.

And I also know that a lot of the current gain on top of all that was because I spent the last 3 months bedbound and incapable of movement in the first place.

I shouldn't hate my body because of all of that. I feel guilty for hating it because of it. Especially because there's nothing wrong with being fat, and I have no real feelings about that itself to begin with ... But I still hate it. Because at the end of the day, I still can't move. I can't access my body. I can't exist easily in the world (or, at least, more easily; the world will always be uncomfortable for me as a Disabled individual regardless of whether or not I am fat on top of that).

Emotions are stupid.

#Trigger Warning #Body TMI #Personal #2024 #Alphabet Soup #Weight Gain #Gastroparesis #Fibromyalgia

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newyorkkiss · 1 month

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this week i hit my lowest weight since my ED manifested and it’s the lowest i’ve weighed since i was 18 at least. i never thought my body could drop below a certain point because i’d been trying in ways and failing for 5 years now. so it feels really weird. and i think it’s all really hitting me now. my body feels so much more skeletal than it was like 2, even 3 weeks ago but it still luckily doesn’t look anything out of the norm for me (aka not raising any flags because i have forever looked like a bag of bones) but it’s slowly becoming significant. i’m only a kilogram and a half from where i’d like to be. i could give up now and try and force myself into a “pseudo-recovery” thing and be content but i need that safety net. i just want to drop to the number i want so i can stop purging. i fear the damage it’s already caused or is going to cause if i keep engaging in it. i just want to stop doing it but it just happens without a single thought in my head. it’s hard to even attempt have one day where i do something like starve and give my body a rest (as stupid as it sounds) because it’s so hardwired into my life now. i have to eat something and purge it. i have to. i’ve only done it once but forcing myself to have a second meal hours after i already purged in order to feed myself something was so mentally distressing that i scared myself because it’s like holy fuck, i’ve become a shell of myself?

i know where this all comes from too. i wish i didn’t live in my house anymore but i’m very much tethered to it for a myriad of bad excuses. it feels very selfish in a bad way to say that i’ve been severely underweight my entire life and my highest weight is still significantly underweight and i’ve been plagued with normal people thinking i had an ED growing up because i had kind of odd eating patterns that again, i had my entire life and never caused concern to my parents so why should it ick me? and living under the roof of an extremely fatphobic father who basically reenforces thinness and pretty much has an ED himself just makes it… worse? if i ever gained weight to a significant visually obvious way i would be so ridiculed. my need to whittle myself back down is just to create a threshold where i didn’t tread too far into a normal weight which would make me look rancid and fat in his eyes probably. it feels so strange to say that despite never really enjoying food in any capacity that i miss eating. i miss eating a huge fuck off plate of pasta or spicy noodles. i really hope to eat again soon.

this is probably too much detail but i’ve purged everything i’ve eaten (but the very small amount of things i will allow myself to consume but even then i’ve had moments where i’ve eaten something else with it and said it’s too much even though realistically it isn’t) for nearly two solid months. the last day i ate something and didn’t purge it immediately was when i last left my house. i’ve been rotting here in isolation ever since then. but i think i might be able to go somewhere soon, so i hope i don’t get too scared and can challenge myself to eating something while a very significant distance from home which means i have no choice but to stomach what i consume. it’ll be difficult but it needs to be done.

overall i feel fucking terrible that i’ve relapsed this bad and really thought i could rebuild and re-maintain the purge free streak i had before i relapsed a second time last august (it would have been a whole year by mid september.) i really thought i could re-stabilize myself a smidge post-spoon because before i left the state i was basically purging daily or every other day but still managing to sneak a meal here and there so it was nowhere near the scale of bad that it is now. hell i even said to myself not to make my trip about my ED and not let it get in the way but it basically still did intrude on me. i ate once during the entire 3 days i was gone. didn’t eat at all the day of. how my body didn’t fucking go into some kind of distress from the lack of nourishment and the heat i legitimately have no fucking idea, but my body did feel like it was floating on a very dangerously thin string the entire time. anyways. after that i was almost two months purge free (like days away) until i relapsed again. don’t even remember what triggered it either. but i knew deep down that if i did ever inevitably relapse again it would be fucking worse than the last time. i just really fucking want this to be over in some way. i’m so fucking tired. i’m weak. i don’t know what to fucking do. i just have no choice but to hope the spell runs its course. i just want to move on i want it to fuck off for a good while i’m so sick of having to vent about it constantly. like get a real fucking personality again and not be consumed by this silly fucking disorder. fool!! fool!! fool!!

cat for endurance.

#tw//#another one for the fire #in the sense that i will delete this okay i hate venting and leaving this shit around

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riley-gordon · 7 months

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I hid my mental health issues for 12 years and I need someone to relate to

Pt. 1

When I was 6, I started having panic attacks. I always had them in the school bathroom during lunch time and frequently threw up during those episodes. My parents took me to the doctors, they gave me a strong antacid, and introduced me to the diagnosis that would proceed to rule my whole life: Generalized Anxiety Disorder.

I had a friend named Olivia. Olivia was good. We were friends from birth and she was the person I would always go crying to whenever I had a panic attack at school (which was quite frequently). On top of this, I always was different than the other kids at school. I am from a very small rural town, and the small, nerdy girl who cried a lot ended up getting isolated because of it. I thought that there was something wrong with me, I thought that I was the problem in this situation because I was the only one having these feelings.

My mother was a teacher at this school, and every time I tried to tell her about my problems, they were shut down and I was told that I had no reason to complain. I was told that the other kids had it a lot worse than I did, so I should just stay quiet and be happy. So, I stayed quiet, yet I never ended up being happy.

Up to about 8th grade, I stayed anxious and quiet, having only my friend Olivia, who at this point had started to form her own friends, leading to a drift between us. In 8th grade, I think I became depressed. All I knew is that I wanted to hurt myself for being weird, for being different from the other kids at school. I tried many different ways of injuring myself, but I settled on scratching myself to the point of bleeding in neat lines on my forearm. I don't remember too much from this time, as 5 years have passed since then, but I do remember one thing. I was crying out for help without saying anything. Some of the kids around me noticed the marks on my arms, but any time that anyone my age mentioned it I would lie my way out of the situation. I would however write about feeling depressed and not wanting to be around anymore and submit those pieces to my writing teacher. I would purposely wear short sleeves and set my forearms out so that my homeroom teacher would see and tell someone. But the adults must have been blind. I am choosing to believe that they simply just didn't see, because it makes me uncomfortable to think they would ignore those things for any reason.

I slowly got better in the 8th grade, I ended up joining the softball team and ended up slowly gaining a bit of weight. Something that is of note in my life is the fact that I have always been borderline underweight. Knowing what I know now, I just have never been eating enough. I thought that I was simply meant to be skinny, but I just didn't have the motivation to eat food because I was so anxious about the things going on in my life.

In 9th grade, I started hanging out more with two friends that I have known since birth. I love them like sisters, but I think at this point we were all struggling and not talking about it. I could do a detailed separate post about the things that they and their separate group did to my mental health. The gist of it is that I was more social than ever but felt so isolated, I was the butt of every joke and was bullied for being a lesbian (I am mostly straight), and was constantly told that I was weird and would be forever alone. Ironically enough half of those people have only had failed situationships and I now have a boyfriend who accepts me in my entirety.

Then Covid happened. I often wonder how my life could've ended up if Covid never happened and if I had stayed with that group, I wonder if I would've ended up making it this far if I had.

Covid zapped through my Freshman and Sophomore year and it was mostly the same for me mentally. Generally pretty anxious about everything, constantly being reminded about my lack of weight, and staying top of my class in school. It was around this time I started carefully crafting an image for myself.

#perfectionism #depressing shit #anxiety #anxi4ty #alone with my thoughts #you are not alone #secre

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compassionatereminders · 1 year

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Tw Ed, medical fatphobia, poor medical health, ableism

Not looking for advice per SE, more just want to get it off my chest and talk about it if that makes sense? Would like some emotional support though

I used to be extremely underweight as a kid cos my mother starved me since I wasn't grateful for food all the time and it led to me developing a lot of problems around food, arfid + anorexia and pica as well, after I moved from my mom's I was at my dad and had a lot of mental health issues that weren't obvious at my mom's but showed at my dad's and I went to psych hospitals a lot and got put on a lot of medication and gained a LOT of weight, fast forward to a few years ago I was having health issues and I went to the doctor and they said I just needed to lose weight so i did, I lost weight way too fast and went down like 80lbs in a couple months and they took me a little bit more serious but they they thought I was just crazy because of my mental health problems so I ended up not going back for a long time and then last year I started to get sicker and sicker and sicker and losing weight slowly so I went back to the doctor for help and they said they weren't concerned since I was still technically overweight and it's not a big deal and so I thought that if I jaut lost a LOT more weight they would take me seriously?? So...I did and I finally got a diagnosis for some of my problems, and my stomach is paralyzed and me losing weight and falling back into my ED likely made it a LOT worse and now I'm stuck in a stupid relapse of an ED and I feel so fucking ashamed about it because I wouldn't even qualify for anorexia anymore, only atypical anorexia, because I'm not quite underweight yet (I'm rlly only a few lbs away) and I'm fucking angry that the medical system is so full of fatphobia and that it bled into me and hurt me because I don't think fat people are bad at all!!! I just want people to actually care about me and take my health problems seriously :(

-bela (it/she)

I am so, so sorry about everything you have been through and all the health issues it has resulted in and I am absolutely furious that the system supposed to help you hasn't been taken you seriously and has in fact actively encouraged unhealthy behavior. That is so fucking terrible and you deserve so much better than this.

#chat with kat #medical neglect tw #medical abuse tw #eating disorders tw #weight tw #body image tw #starvation tw #abuse tw #fatphobia tw #psych ward tw #ableism tw

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psychomoonlady · 2 years

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23 / 10/ 22

Starting off this page at 3:57 am on a sunday morning definitely gives a little bit of insight into the slightly unhinged lil story I'm living in. Yes I'll be the protagonist and you could follow me to find out what in the ( and i can't stress this enough) absolute fuck I've been upto lately.

Today let's just say I woke up at 3:30 am , had the sudden urge to turn my life around. Then I read a little bit of Murakami's "Norwegian wood" .

I'll show you the lil note I made that I thought would help in totally changing my life. For the better or worse we'll have to wait and watch.

'Here' refers to the city where my college is. It's a Government Medical College in a pretty big city in Kerala, India and I'm right now hopefully a third year student. I say hopefully since I've still not passed a paper from my second year which if I don't pass in one more chance, I might just get expelled. Absolutely no pressure.

The sweatpants and tees are since I've decided to start going to the gym since two of my friends started going and i have seriously got to do something about my weight. I might be super cute but I'm severely underweight, right now running on 32 kg (70.5 lb). Oh I didn't mention, I'm 22 and I'm yay high. Nah I'm super short standing at a majestic height of 4'9. It's a thing I'm really bummed out about since noone takes me seriously because of my tiny appearance. It particularly affects the way patients interact with me but I do have a good way of speaking in a really mature manner which helps compensate for it.

Now about nitc. National Institute of Technology, Calicut.

How is it related to me? Well that's where my ex boyfriend is studying. I'll tell you about our what i thought was really wholesome relationship in the coming days. I don't wanna spoil everything on the first entry. But the current status is that he dumped me three days ago because he felt that we're incompatible. The box I am planning to send includes some gifts I had bought for him since I didn't know what was coming plus two of his college's tshirts that i don't think wearing anymore would be good for my mental health.

On 25th, my second sessional ( internals) exam would be starting and it ends on 28th . On that day we will have to shift out hostel rooms. And currently my roommate situation is a little bit complicated which I'll tell you about in time. So I need new roommates and texted three of my friends at 5am about the pros and cons of living with me and asked whether they would be interested in doing so. Main pros I mentioned was that am a really chill person who won't judge if they play their music aloud and stuff like that. My clothes fit them almost always so just like how we already do, we can continue to share the wardrobe. Also we could sneak in drinks and we'll drink them occasionally when we feel particularly happy. I don't know of many girls who drinks in the hostel and we usually have to sit on the stairs and drink from seven up bottles pretending it's water and it takes half the fun away.

We could also make the room pretty aesthetic which is something I'm rather fond of that i haven't seen many other people care much about. Another advantage is that we could call proxys for each other which also is not something a lot of people are ready to do. Also since we're really close friends we could comfort each other and be there for each other whenever needed. We could study together but that's entirely upto them and if they don't want to do that it's totally okay.

Buying the bean bag chair is part of making the room aesthetic and comfy but that will only work if the room is big enough. So I'll have to decide whether or not to do it after getting the room.

A single room is something I've always wanted but it's hard to get and there are a lot of disadvantages to it and to be honest I'm not sure about it. But since it has been a dream of mine, I thought I'd give it a thought.

#true story #my story #diary entry #diaryposting #online diary #life stories

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not-scared-of-microwaves · 5 months

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i feel like i’m losing everything when i only just got it back.

i’m a dancer. that has been a huge part of my identity since i was seven years old. i lost that after corona virus hit, and last semester, i finally started dancing again.

it was the most amazing feeling. dance has always been an escape for me, a way of setting aside everything that was fucking up my mental health etc. has always been this source of joy even when everything else sucked.

around thanksgiving, my hips started to pop and crack. i’m hyper mobile—this isn’t unusual for me. it also wasn’t unusual when they started to ache constantly. my joints always hurt.

but then it got worse. by the start of this month, i was limping bc of how much it hurt. a week after that, i’m barely walking at all, because now my knees and back were effected. Monday, my hip dislocated. it didn’t particularly hurt, and it went right back in place on its own (i’ve always been able to pull my hips and shoulders out of place at will) but after that, it started happening out of nowhere.

today i nearly fell down the stairs twice, because my hip fell out of place and my knees buckled. i caught myself on the rail, but it fucking terrified me. i could live with not taking the stairs, but now the same thing happens when i’m just walking.

my nurse practitioner referred me to physical therapy, but they can’t see me until january, and she inly talked about the fact that i was in pain, she didn’t take the joint collapse seriously. maybe she thought i was being dramatic.

i’m making another appointment tomorrow. my therapist has suggested i ask about hyper mobile ehlers danlos syndrome. from what i’ve read…it makes sense.

and i’m fucking angry. maybe if we had found it sooner i would be dancing next year. maybe i wouldn’t be losing the one thing that brings me joy in my fucked up head if my doctors had noticed my joints all bend backwards (it was my dance teacher who pointed it out and gave me exercises to improve my strength), or that i’m in constant pain because of it, but they were too busy telling me to eat more because i’m tiny and underweight. they prescribed me meds to improve my perfectly normal appetite rather than telling me it isn’t normal to black out when i stand up (oh yeah my therapist wants me assessed for PoTS too)

actually i’m mad about the weight thing too. people think that because i’m thin (size 2 atm) it’s ok to comment on my weight. it’s happened twice in the past two days. this is why i hate the holidays. i don’t want to hear about how you wished you looked like me—not even doctors want me to look like me. they’ve asked me if i’m anorexic, put me on meds for my appetite, taken me off effective depression meds because i was losing weight, sent me to get my growth hormones tested. it isn’t fucking fun. i am terrified of seeing myself in the mirror because of it. it makes me so incredibly uncomfortable to hear people comment on it, treat it like a good thing, or tell me “it’ll catch up with you when you’re older.” it ignores all of the struggles i’ve experienced because of it, and is frankly not any of their business.

i just. i only just got dance back, and now i’m losing it.

edit: i think it’s actually that it’s actually subluxation not dislocation. idk exactly? but they certainly aren’t where they’re SUPPOSED to be,,,,,,

#vent #tw ed #tw body image #ehlers danlos syndrome #hypermobile ehlers danlos #pots syndrome #ballet #dance

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taiscerayne2426 · 11 months

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MEDICAL ISSUES AHEAD

I'm not asking for money, just need to get some things off my chest

So back in October of 2022, I started having extreme heart palpitations, randomly and seemingly without any provocation. I could be sitting, walking, laughing, eating, even sleeping and my heart would just pound upwards of 130 bpm for 10, 20 minutes at a time. I'd struggle to breathe, fight passing out, and try to stay upright.

As these episodes got more and more frequent and severe, my partner insisted I go into the ER. I didn't have a primary Dr at the time, so I didn't have anyone else to go to. The ER ran a bunch of tests, found nothing at all wrong, and sent me home with a heart monitor.

I met with a cardiologist, and I'll be honest he was by far one of the worst doctors I've ever seen. He dismissed everything I said, belittled my experience, diagnosed me with POTTS, then sent me home on what he said was a beta-blocker to slow down my heart. Fine. Not great, but fine. Until I get to the pharmacy and they say "This isn't a beta-blocker, this is an anti-depressant. I wonder why he told you that?" Never saw that cardiologist again.

Fast-forward to December 2022. My job has let me go because I'm barely able to hold myself upright and can pass out at any time so I'm not medically cleared to drive. My partner is burning both ends of the candle trying to keep me safe and manage his college classes. We're struggling to survive off one income in the city.

My episodes get rapidly worse, then slowly start tapering off until they're only happening once a day. Then it's once a week, but the worst it'd been thus far. Then, for no discernable reason, they stop in February 2023.

I was overjoyed. Finally, FINALLY I could get back to life. We moved to a new town, a smaller quieter place with cheaper rent and less violence. I got a new job nannying two amazing kids and babysitting a third once a week. My partner and I both continued college. Everything was going so, so well.

They came back. About 4 weeks ago, beginning of June 2023. It was slow at first but it's getting worse and worse.

And it's fucking scary, dude. I find myself physically incapable of taking a breath for so long that I sob when it finally comes. It's like everything in my body just. freezes. goes stiff. I can't feel anything, I can't move anything. I can barely signal my partner so he notices. We can't find anything that helps.

I'm not able to drive anymore. I can barely support myself to move from the bed to my desk. I pass out if I stand in the kitchen too long pondering what to eat. I'm on a cane now, for the first time. It helps a bit, makes me feel a bit less useless.

I'm barely eating. Don't have an appetite. I've lost more weight in the last few weeks than I want to admit, and I was already dangerously underweight.

The scariest part, though, is that I can feel myself fighting to hold on every time I have an attack. I fight so fucking hard to stay, because I can FEEL that if I lose consciousness, I'm gone. And it's getting harder and harder to fight. Don't misunderstand, I have no desire to die. I'm fighting for a reason after all. I'm just getting weaker, and it's getting more and more difficult.

I let my PCP know that bit today. She won't see it til she's in the office next, but until this new heart monitor comes off on Monday they won't be able to give me any answers anyway. 2 more weeks. Just 2 more weeks til I hopefully get some results. Because if I don't, I'm... gods. I'm fucking scared.

#medical issues #tw medical issues #tw doctors #tw hospitals #tw er #tw death mention #death mention #doctors #hospitals #er #taisce talks

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howiwashealed · 1 year

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Breakdown Of Events

I had to go in circles to figure this out. My advice would be to document everything as I have done to make a timeline from the start and keep everything organised, blood tests, MRI’s, hair tests anything kind of medical history.

There has to be an origin point where your problems started, mine was this.

On July 27th 2017, I was finishing band rehearsal late at night and was packing up my car getting ready to go home. I picked up an Orange 4x12 Cabinet and whilst loading it into my car felt an electrical zap in my lower left back (sacrum) in a straight line all the way up to behind my left ear. I didn't like the feeling and felt a little panic at the time because who would like to have that sensation in the body. So the following weeks the only injury I had was a little numbness to my left ring and pinky finger.

Fast forward to 2019 I spent the year being so frustrated with life not going the way I wanted that I stopped eating as much and stopped playing music. I began to crack my neck towards the left everyday and was constantly angry.

Then in March 2020 I woke up one day where everything looked as someone had tilted the entire world to the right. Believing my neck was the cause of the issue I went to see my first ever chiropractor and that's when everything began to go downhill.

I saw my first chiropractor April 2020 and is the reason for this blog. At the time I was underweight, skin and bones due to me eating less because my colitis was flaring up and I found by eating less often I could avoid pain. I kind took fasting to the extreme. My diet was pretty much a coffee with a couple oreo’s in the morning, rice and fish for lunch and then for dinner if I could be bothered I’d cook chicken and rice.

My Chiro at the time was very charismatic and sociable who explained to me that my whole body was outta whack and how I needed to heal my stomach. I began to get weekly adjustments and each time I would feel worse. I couldn’t figure out why. Initially I thought maybe that’s just what happens to the body as it’s being put into a new alignment but each time the treatments got rougher and I began to feel more drunk, like I was living life in a haze. Around the 4th adjustment I had my neck pulled back and then rapidly twisted. I remember hearing a click and driving home with no change. However 30 mins after getting home and sitting on the floor, I had my first ever panic attack. Something definitely didn't feel right in my body. I once again put it down to stress, thinking there's no way a Chiro could hurt me, when he’s so busy with a revolving door of clients.

I wasn't able to sit without feeling this panic sensation, so I’d opt to walk around or stand. The drunk feeling was 24/7 akin to if you’d spin around on a ride at a playground and then after a minute you'd almost regain your equilibrium but not quite fully. That’s exactly what I had 24/7 hell.

Anytime I’d have to sit I’d slouch so my chin would rest on my chest so I'd gain some stability. Insomnia started and god that was awful. In between sleep, I’d be laying in bed and it felt like I was on a boat moving up and down in turbulent sea. My teeth that were never an issue before began to become sensitive to hot and cold temperatures liquids.

Heeding my charming chiro’s advice that everything I was feeling was dietary related, I began to eat less red meat thinking the acidity was making it harder to heal my stomach. I did a hair mineral analysis test with Interclinical Laboratories. My results showed a massive toxicity of copper, it was through the roof. So I went down a journey learning about copper toxicity and how it could be giving me all my symptoms and problems. I bought the best supplements I could find LipoNaturals - Vitamin C and began megadosing 5-10grams a day hoping to bring down my levels and alleviate my symptoms.

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one-abuse-survivor · 2 years

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possible ED anon, so i am still struggling with the food, but i've been able to get back into some foods i haven't eaten in forever. it still doesn't help that i rarely eat fruits or veggies.

some of the only plants i can eat are tomatoes, anything else i normally will not eat. everything my stupid brain wants to eat is bread or meat with the occasional sugar. i still dont want to mention it to anyone tho, cause i'm just too scared to. i have a feeling i might be underweight but idk if looking would be a good idea or not.

my family knows about my eating habits, i don't hide it at all, yet they haven't realized that it's probably an ED. since i've been picky as hell since i was a kid and the fact they're focusing on curing my sister of her ED.

i do feel bad for my mom cause she cooks everything in the house so making 3500 different meals a day must be hard, but i have no fucking clue how to cook so i can't help her.

i still can't believe how my dad would threaten to starve me if i didn't want to eat something but then tell me he didn't want me or my sister to ever experience going hungry. like wtf dude.

also pretty sure he has never threatened to starve my sister, but i would have to ask her to be sure. (just asked her, she said he has threatened to starve her but i don't remember it, i believe her though)

food is very weird for me for sure

i remember i do like eating but i kinda hate it at the same time, some foods are awesome and others are absolutely terrible and can't eat them. sometimes i don't eat and other times i eat 10 times a day.

i also believe people would often ask me why i always ate the same things. they'd say i should try more foods. they'd tell me i'm so picky and so spoiled and should be grateful for food when there are so many kids dying of hunger around the world, that it doesn't matter that i hate that food and can't eat it cause someone else has it worse right?

i remember being told picky people were spoiled brats, don't remember who told me that or if i heard that online but it doesn't matter, so one time i was talking to a girl i knew i'd never see again and i lied to her and said i wasn't picky at all cause i was embarrassed. (thinking about it i think she might have said that while talking about a relative of hers)

i get so nervous when going to new restaurants cause i don't know if they're going to have the right foods. i'm nervous when people say they want to cook for me cause idk what they're going to make.

and reheat food is either a hit or miss, i hate leftovers cause the texture tends to be off when we do it, but most of the time i can eat while others the texture is so fucked if i eat it i will die.

my mom does sometimes sound a little frustrated when i don't want to eat anything we have, and i feel bad, i really do, i don't want to be this way either. but i can't help it.

Hi, nonnie!

I think it’s okay to be scared of telling anyone what you’re going through. These things can be really hard to talk about, and I know I myself didn’t tell anyone about my mental health until I was an adult. I’m proud of you for just noticing the things you’re struggling with and contemplating the idea of reaching out to an adult, and I’m really sorry your family hasn’t realised you’re struggling. I hope you know it’s okay if the fact they’re too focused on your sister’s issue to see yours hurts or upsets you.

I also can’t believe your dad would say those things to you and your sister :( you should never have had to hear that. And you should also never have had to hear that you’re spoiled or that you should be grateful as a reaction to you always eating the same foods. The “other kids are starving” line is a very common guilt-trip, but that doesn’t make it okay. It’s just a way for adults to dismiss children’s needs and try to guilt them into being “easily manageable” on the table, but, at least in my opinion, all that’s usually accomplished is that the kids who hear it are more likely to develop guilt and other negative emotions around eating and around their needs regarding food.

You deserved for people to listen to you about why you had trouble eating, nonnie. You deserved to be taken seriously. You were never ungrateful or spoiled. You were struggling, and the adults around you didn’t notice it and didn’t help meet your needs.

I think it’s understandable that your mom feels frustrated sometimes, because we’re all allowed to get frustrated by other people’s needs from time to time. But that doesn’t justify letting out that frustration onto the people with those needs. You’re already dealing with so much, and you really don’t deserve to have her frustration be a source of guilt on top of everything else. You’re not doing this on purpose, and you need help, not judgement.

Sending a virtual hug ❤️

#ask #ED anon #possible ED anon #ed tw #eating disorder tw #guilt tripping tw #neglect tw

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boycannibal · 3 years

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huh so math test this Fucking wednesday i forgot about huh ... huh....

#i literally want to not study at all and just fail this one #like i can retake it #daily dose of complaining but this fucking sucks #me ranting about everything below<3 god bles but ive gotta get it out somewhere #im realizing how much i rely on like. cheating? and stuff like that and im somehow afraid of going back to school because i wont be able to #do that anymore #and like today i cried again simply because ''things were happening too fast''#and my dad suggested i go to therapy over this kind of thing but at the same time i dont even know if ill be willing to work on it #and if i wont be willing to work on it then theres no use of me going anywhere #and like if i wanted to work on it id have to open up about the ed thoughts/tendencies and like thats not happening</3 #partly because i dont want to be supervised partly because im afraid i will be told ''you dont have an ed because youre not deathly #underweight'' like that would only make everything worse #and ive been loosing motivation for school and only scraping by because of that last minute doer part of me #and ive been playing a lot of lol which ultimately makes me happy with lore and all but at the same time i feel bad? for it?#like somehow its a worse thing to procrastinate with video games than with drawing or podcasts #ok. ok. im about to get into a spiral time to try something else

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arcadejohn127-9 · 3 years

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Okay, so I'm really skinny. Underweight tbh. And I'm kinda insecure about that, because I'm literary bones and skin.

Could I request Brothers dealing with some lesser demons who were laughing at MC because how small, skinny and "easy to break" they are?

All body types are valid and wonderful; just like some people can't control how much weight they put on, others can't control how much weight they can't gain. It's not always simple with body types - just look after yourself regardless of your size. Eat your 3 main meals, have small snacks or mini meals every 2-3 hours that are more healthy or if you have healthy main meals let your mini meals/snacks be unhealthy

Though too much of anything can be unhealthy so is there really a different between the types?

Also please everyone drink plenty of water even if you have to give it some flavour for it be more enjoyable!

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"are you sure you're a human? You look more like a reaper to me."

Three demons surrounded you, leaning on the table as you tried to ignore them. Keeping your focus on the the worksheet Infront of you but a demon snatched your pencil.

"Hey, doesn't this remind you of Someone?" the demon laughed, pointing the pencil at you.

But they took it another step, they easily snapped the pencil in half with one hand. Throwing it back at you. You flinched away, covering your face but luckily it landed on the table.

They were all snickering. Prodding at your arms and sides. You squirmed away from them and slapped their hands.

"leave me alone..."

A different male demon grabbed your wrist, inspecting your slim wrist.

"hey don't grab them like that, you might break them! I mean look at them, they're bone!" The female demon mocked concern.

"Aw come on~ can't handle a few jokes? Humans really are weak."

Your wrist was thrown from his grasp; it smacked on the table and you hissed. Just before you could do anything the classroom door suddenly opened. The demons all whispered a fearful "oh shit" under their breath.

Lucifer:

"I see you're living up to the title 'lesser demon', how wonderful for you."

His condescending smile immediately drooped

His hands moved swiftly and a whip appeared in them, he glared at them

The three of them gulped, looking at each other

"How many lashing should I give them, perhaps everytime they insulted you? Every snicker or chuckle - how about everytime they breathed?"

he snapped the whip with a snarl

They looked at you for mercy and you considered letting Lucifer having his way

But you felt a sick feeling in your stomach knowing how vicious he could get

"i just want an apology and to be left alone..."

"You heard them, beg for forgiveness and if i find any of you were bothering them again I won't let them decide your fate."

The three demons immediately got on their knees, legs shaking as they apologized repeatedly for their actions

You knew it was fake but apart of you felt happy hearing their apology

"you can leave now."

On that cue they ran out making sure to dodge the quick whip from Lucifer

The last one Getting caught on the butt and practically jumped out of the room

"They're foolish, love, you are absolutely ravishing and I could never ask for a more wonderful partner, let's go get some ice cream - my treat to help your bad day."

Mammon:

"ya wanna repeat that? Don't be going all silent just because I'm here~ go on, keep insulting the human, see what happens."

He chuckled, hands in pockets

The demons weren't sure how to respond

To test what he'll do or play it safe

Mammon twiddled a playing card between his fingers, a smirk on his face as he stood behind you

One of the demons opened their mouth but he just flicked his wrist, the card sticking itself in the wall just missing the demon

"I ain't very forgiving, ya see so it's best you start apologizing now or things could get abit messy."

You was surprised by how fast they all dropped

Apologizing and begging for you to forgive them

"Please leave, you've apologized enough."

They all ran out thanking you for being so kind

"awww but (Y/N), you could of made them your posse!"

"I just wanted them to leave, I know they aren't actually sorry."

"hfmp, they better be or else I'll get 'em - did I look cool?! I was practising that trick for weeks!"

You chuckled, kissing his cheek

He grinned even wider as he grabbed your hand

"you were real cool, you were like a spy."

"does that make you my stunning partner in crime? Your looks lure in the suspects and I get them? You can't convince me otherwise - you're a real beaut."

Levithan:

"LMAO, your faces~! I can't wait for this to go viral, perhaps even Prince Diavolo will see this, wouldn't that be unfortunate."

He kept filming, pointing the camera at their faces

They looked even more Horrified

A powerful demon was already coming to get them but now the prince could get involved?

"should I post it, (Y/N)? You're in it after all."

"I just want them to leave me alone, I don't care."

Levithan hummed, displeased at the demons

"it's pretty rude you're just standing there and not apologizing, they're the one in charge if you get found out or not."

The demons gasped, staring at you and then back at Levithan

They immediately started apologizing, blaming their actions on just jealousy

You shook your head and they began to sweat

Fearing they're going to put on blast for their actions

Surprised by your defeated sigh

"just go....it's not worth it."

Levi was about to argue differently but the demon had already left

"Wha!!!! I felt like an anime protagonist! Did they say anything else to you?! I swear they can't tell what beauty is-"

"it's fine, they weren't wrong."

"HUUUH???!!!!!! don't listen to them, (Y/N), I think you look just fine the way you are and yo-you should see yourself as attractive too-! because you're awesome and Your loo-looks are even more cool!"

He hugged you, hiding his red face in your shoulder

Satan:

"You're brave to think you're in any position to even breathe in their direction, for all our dignities It would be best you apologize and leave."

They were ready to bolt right there and then

They looked at you and started to apologize but Satan clicked his teeth

"be sincere, we can be here for as long as we want until you feel genuine guilt for your actions."

He slammed his hand down on the table

The lesser demons cowered

You just sat there, frowning

You just wanted to be left alone and let your feelings out

The demons apologized again

Making sure to add sincerity in their voice but Satan kept making them repeat themselves

It got to the point you had to cut him off

"It's fine, they've apologized, let them leave."

He hummed, annoyed but nodded

The demons scrambled out of the room, fearing to even look at the two of you

"if you ever need me to go back at them I'll do just that, I couldn't believe they would say something like that to you."

"thanks for helping, just let them leave instead of using your energy."

"I'll try to but I'll make sure there is no next time, you don't deserve to be spoken to like that and you are far more charming than any of them, I for one, adore how you look."

Asmodeus:

"repeat that again~? I hope I didn't hear you three insulting my darling, it's so ugly to shame others for their body."

The demons tried to utter out a response but he just stared at them

Tilting his head as he smiled

He got closer to them, staring into their eyes

Soon enough they were charmed

"why don't you tell me why you thought it was okay to speak to (Y/N) like that."

They all began speaking; expressing their envy for your relationship with asmo and the other demons

One of them just telling him they saw you as fragile and unlikable

Asmo smiled wider before suddenly grabbing one their chins, a snarl on his face now

"do you feel sorry? Are you ashamed of yourself?"

They all said yes, apologizing to you

"thanks asmo, you can let them go now."

He happily did as you said, telling them to leave

He nuzzled into your body, hands wandering over it as he grinned

"They're just jealous demons who can't handle their own Insecurities, you're not like them, everything about you is good looking - inside and out! I couldn't ask for anything more~"

"Seriously...?"

"yes!!! I'm in love with you and your body is marvelous to look at, i can't get enough of you!"

Beezlebub:

"Apologize and leave or I'll make you my next meal."

Straight to the point

And it was effective

His size was already intimidating but his willingness to devour whatever he wanted was scarier

They apologized to you, Getting on their knees and telling you how gorgeous you were

You felt your mood get worse so you waved your hand

"don't bother, a sorry was enough, you can leave now."

They shot up but Beel bite the air Infront of them when they passed him

They shrieked and picked up their speed

"I can't stand people like that.... they're more clueless than mammon."

He sat with you

Clenching his jaw, you held his hand and leaned against him

"Don't listen to them, I think you look really nice, I like the way you look but I know the important thing is that you like the way you look, I don't mind how you look because you'll still always be you."

Belphegor:

"Hey gorgeous, are these idioits bothering you? What a shame, I was hoping lesser demons knew how to keep in their place."

He wrapped an arm around you

Glaring at the lesser demons, they grew more nervous under his hateful eye

They muttered to themselves for not realising he was there but belphie mocked them, asking them to speak up

"what's with the change of energy? You were confident about your opinions before, what changed?"

They couldn't answer without looking weak

Belphegor only grinned at them

He kissed your cheek

"that's what I thought, scram!"

They ran off, not daring to look at you

They couldn't even hiss or glare, knowing the demon behind you would have their throat for it

They were lucky to not get hurt when he found them

"thanks, sorry, did you come here to sleep?"

"I was looking for you, keep me close, okay? Don't listen to those demons - they wouldn't be able to tell what's good or not even if their lives depended on it, you're perfect the way you are."

#obey me #obey me shall we date #gamingclubpresident #aracadejohn217 9 #obey me mammon #obey me mc #obey me asmodeus #obey me satan #obey me beelzebub #obey me belphegor #obey me leviathan #obey me luficer #obey me imagine #obey me x brother #obey me headcanon #demon brother's #obey me swd

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