i feel like i’m suicidal most of the time or i just get the feeling i don’t wanna exist but most of the time i’d be too scared to go through with it so i feel like it’s not that deep. i’ve only actually come close a few times but yh. it’s tiring just not wanting to exist most of the time 🙉

Danzig  -  Tired Of Being Alive

Danzig ‎– Tired Of Being Alive

The more kind hearted, loving, generous and genuine you are the more life and people fuck you over. Prove me wrong.

Sad. Very, very, very sad.

everything in this life that has ever happened to me has happened for a reason. every little fucked up thing that has happened to me, I’ve deserved for some other fucked up thing I’ve done

I’m tired of being disabled.

i love this human so much but i know they don’t love me. they are the best person in my life and have been the best person to ever be in my life. yet, i’m somehow not good enough to love… i mess everything up..

they didn’t tell me i’m not good enough.. i can just feel it

Life is getting harder to deal with. I don’t know how much longer I’m going to be here on earth.. the days are getting darker and harder and I’m getting weaker not stronger.

Vent post bc I don't have anywhere else to post it.

Warning for medical gaslighting, mention of pregnancy

I've been dealing with chronic pain since I was 15 largely caused by an accident and not receiving proper medical care (or really any medical care close to the time of the accident) bc my family didn't have insurance since my mom's husband at the time refused to ask for government assistance even tho I've been dealing with a blood flow restricting birthmark in my face that requires medical intervention from time to time.

I stopped receiving the medical intervention when I was 16 bc we moved states and no one in my current state knows what it is or how to go about it medically.

Most recently, I've been medically gaslit about my face, my severe chronic pain, and my hormone issues bc of my weight and my diagnosis of anxiety on my record.

In the months before I found out that I'm pregnant (before March of this year), I'd been dealing with severe pain that limits my mobility, my ability to work, and episodes where my heart rate reaches 200 bpm according to a fitness watch which I know isn't always accurate. I bought my own mobility aids without the assistance of my medicaid and when I showed up to my next doctor's appointment with concerns about my pain getting worse, her only concern was getting me to lose the mobility aids. She prescribed physical therapy that I had already been attending for 3 years, tpi's in my back, and told me to come back when the physical therapy worked. It doesn't. It hasn't and being pregnant has only increased my pain tenfold. The government food assistance I was getting was taken away because my partner apparently makes too much. We've been paying $1100 a month for a STUDIO apartment and we're literally starving despite my partner working 50+ hours a week.

We don't qualify for housing assistance, we can't get help from local churches because we don't technically have a lease since the apartment is an extended stay.

I feel so fucking helpless. My grandmother was supposed to help us with food today but ended up bailing bc there's food boxes in the area. I've already explained that the food boxes that run only run on days and times that my partner is working and I can't lift anything up 2 flights of stairs to our room. I don't have friends that can help me bc my chronic pain and quite honestly my isolating behavior when I'm stressed has either pushed them away or prevented me from making friends bc I rarely leave the house.

I don't blame these people, I really don't. I get that I'm not the best friend and I'm flaky and I'm not always in the best mood so it can be a pain to hang out with me. The friends that I do have live hundreds of miles away and are in the same boat as I am financially.

I'm just tired yall. I'm tired of not being taken seriously by doctors bc of my weight. I'm tired of being made to feel like my limitations are a burden on others when they're a burden on me too.

I'm tired of being nearly bedbound because it hurts too much to even get up and walk the 3 feet to the bathroom. I'm tired of not being able to eat half the shit we can afford bc it triggers my trauma or there's a consistency or taste problem. I'm tired of puking so hard I burst blood vessels in my eyes and no one can figure out why bc my labs are all "normal". I'm tired of every doctor blaming my pain on my weight bc there's nothing wrong with the bones in my spine according to the shitty ER doctors in my area. I'm especially tired that doctors didn't give a shit about me or my health problems until I got pregnant

so i think i have pmdd cos i’m always super suicidal before my period but i’m confused cos i’m also suicidal after my period?

And even though she starved, ate less, picked out different outfits, took care of her face, talked to more people, made more friends, listened to popular music and watched popular shows and media, acted like a cute innocent little girl who wanted everyone to be her friend,

In the end, she was still her.

And nothing scared her more than that.

Occasionally want to scream at the top of my lungs "I KNOW"

I know I am never going to be taken seriously or respected but fuck all, I just want to feel normal instead of living in a husk

im so fucking useless

can’t talk about it

[ID: Black and white comic of Vash and Wolfwood from Trigun Maximum. The comic starts with the sounds "thud, thud, click". Vash, mid-action of peeling an apple, turns to the sound, noticing who it was that entered, and says, "Oh, Wolfwood, you're back." He resumes back to his apple in the next panel as he speaks, "Where'd you go? You snuck out of bed quickly this morning..." Wolfwood's hand then enters the panel, hovering over Vash's cheek and Vash looks up as Wolfwood asks, "Can I?" Vash responds, "Not going to talk about it?" while using a hand to gently hold Wolfwood's hovering hand and presses a kiss to his inner palm.

Vash then gets up fully, setting down the knife down on the table and the apple onto a plate, He leans into Wolfwood as Wolfwood explains, "Had to meet someone. Nothing interesting to talk about." Vash kisses Wolfwood's left cheek and a hand moves to cup his other cheek while muttering, "You're being vague." Wolfwood says neutrally, "If yer really that curious, keep askin'. We  can talk about that instead of doing this." Vash leans back and responds, "Let's talk after, since... You look so tired."

The panel pans to a close up of Wolfwood's downcast eyes, bags heavy underneath his eyes. He doesn't allow Vash to sit in that moment for long though, then saying, "Yer not helping, Spikey. Being all slow with it... I could fall asleep right now." He moves his hand to start unclasping Vash's coat, starting from his collar. Vash with red cheeks, responds briskly, "Oh, shut up. I'm worried about you. I can't be worried?"

The final shot shows Wolfwood's back to the viewer while Vash's softened expression can be seen as he holds gently onto the side of Wolfwood's face and a hand firm on his waist. Wolfwood responds, "I'm fine, seriously," pausing for a moment before continuing, "Is it okay to still..?" Vash responds, "Yeah, it's okay."

The next image is a shot from later that night after the previous comic. Vash and Wolfwood are now in bed, half naked. Wolfwood's buries his face into Vash's chest, his arms wrapped around him, while Vash is petting at his hair. Vash reminds him, "Hey. You said we'd talk about it." Wolfwood pauses for a moment before piping up, "In the morning? I'm sleepy." Vash says, "Okay..."

The next two pages start from the morning after. Wolfwood is already fully awake, pulling on his outer jacket as he says to Vash, whos' still bundled in his blankets, "Breakfast is on the table. Make sure to eat it. I'm going to grab some things in town and then we're leavin'. Got it?" Vash says, "Mh." Wolfwood responds, "Good. See ya in a bit." The dialogue starts to shift into Vash's inner thoughts now, as he gets up and eats toast, thinking, "Wait. Weren't we supposed to... talk about it?" The next shot then shows him fully up, meeting Wolfwood in town. He carries a half worried expression with him while Wolfwood slides on his glasses for him. A quick panel shows Wolfwood's tired expression from the night before and quickly juxtaposes with Wolfwood in front of him who's smiling gently, the shades covering his eye bags. Wolfwood asks him, "Still not awake yet?" Vash pauses, his thoughts stirring, thinking, "Oh. I guess I was getting ahead of myself... thinking you owe me that kind of honesty." He smiles at Wolfwood and responds, "I'm awake!" His thoughts continue, "Maybe one day, you'd trust me enough to share your burdens."

The final image shows Wolfwood pulling at Vash's cheek and Vash complains, "Owwwww why..." Wolfwood quickly says, "You were thinking something stupid, right? It's all over yer face." Vash mutters, "Nooo, I wasn't..." END ID]