how do you cope with not being good enough? how do you cope with knowing that you never will be?

I can only live in my head. On the outside I just exist. I will never be what I want to be. That's just physically impossible. What a pity. Isn't it pathetic?

I'm not suicidal, but I'm super tired of existing. ya know?

Lately I have been thinking a lot about how all this physical shit don't matter, while I'm not really spiritual but Im realizing how non sense this physical world is. Ppl worry about foolish shit with their fear mongering, everything is a goddamn agenda or propaganda, hating others for no reason, idolizing shit that don't matter, overworking, over indulging etc etc I just can't stand this anymore.

I have started to listening people who have completely different view points from mines from the Mgtow to Christians to Ppl fighting against a *insert name* agendas also what the hell is even an agenda anymore? it's seems like everything is a goddamm agenda.

I look at ppl who are against these beliefs and it's all just non sense fighting to me now, it just ppl in their ego all these most online debates are a waste of time. These mgtow men dont view themselves as the "bad guys" nor the ppl against them, the Christians don't seem themselves as "evil" neither do the atheist against them both so what the hell are ppl even fighting about? Fighting for dumbshit that shouldn't matter.

This world is tiring and a distraction how do ppl live like that?

wanna make content but my body says no 🥲

.

Why is the feeling of emptiness a visceral feeling within your body?

Why do my insides feel like they are being pushed and pulled and squished in all directions?

Am I that empty that it's a black hole and it's sucking everything inside of it?

do you ever feel like you're just not.. idk, 'designed' to be here? 😮‍💨😔

i want to spend all day long on my phone and ignore everything else (including myself), even though i know it's not a healthy coping mechanism at all.

man. this whole thing pisses me off because like. even when people talk about staff having a history of hating trans women, that this isnt the first time, without fail black trans women are forgotten to be included again and again. im not surprised this caused such an uproar when the popular white woman gets deleted. nobody should be, its been that way like forever. some cunt in my inbox got annoyed i called rita a sex worker (lol? okay)

but i mentioned that in my post because so many black trans women have gotten removed from this site for their sex work alone, regardless of if it "broke community guidelines" or not, especially when tumblr live and the ads on this website are so fucking horny. idek what to say rn because like. this wont get as many notes as the posts talking about her will. the exploding car thing is gonna get more attention than the trans women on this site you dont actually care about listening to. ive been talking about how unfair it is to be a black tgirl on this site for years and nobody cares.

i love rita, we talked abit the other day and she's doing fine, dont get it twisted and think i hate her or some bs, she's a big fucking reason im not fucking homeless.

but part of why her deletion got to #1 trending on tumblr for multiple days in a row is that she's white

*exhales*

I pray everyday for God to take my life away.. I just can’t do it anymore. I don’t belong in this world I am a mistake, I’m lonely and miserable. I don’t fit in. I hate it here. I hate my generation. I’m hanging on by a thread barely surviving. My love life sucks, my family sucks, I have no friends. My life is horrible. I’m so alone and unwanted. I’m a huge burden and I want to be removed and erased from this planet and away from everyone and everything. I hate my existence from the bottom of my heart I want to die and I don’t care if I’m not remembered, I was already forgotten while I was alive.

i don't want to live not in suicidal way but just completely nonexistent